A KICK FOR A BITE.

IN the course of a very severe engagement between an English privateer and a French one, the English boatswain had both his legs taken off by a shot; and as he lay in that plight, called out to his Captain, to request that he would ram both his legs into a cannon, and fire them off at the French, that he might have the satisfaction of one kick at them before he died.

THE RETORT.

MR. COLT, superintendent of the canal at Fort Stanwix, being provoked at an Irishman, gave him a sturdy kick.—"By St. Patrick," retorted the Hiber­nian, "if you kick so, while you are a Colt, what will you do, when you came to be a Horse."

LAST WORDS OF DON FRANCIS.

PERICO de Aya [...]a, the buffoon of the Marquis de Villena, came to see Don Francis, the buffoon of [Page 74]Charles the Fifth, when he lay on his death-bed. Pe­rico, seeing him in so bad a way, said, "Brother Don Francis, I request you by the great friendship, which has always subsided between us, that when you go to Heaven (which I believe must be very soon, since you have always lived such a pious life) you w [...]l beseech God to have mercy on my soul." Francis an­swered— "Tie a thread on this finger that I may not for­get it." These were his last words; and he instantly expired.

A MILITARY ANECDOTE.

A GERMAN peasant, newly enlisted in the army, was scarcely arrived at the regiment, when he was sent with others upon a skirmishing party; and ap­proaching a wood in which a party of the French were posted, who immediately fired upon the Germans, and while the muskut balls were flying very thick, the honest peasant stepped out of the ranks, making a sign to the enemy to desist, at the same time bawled out— "Why what the devil are you firing for, don't you see there are people a coming?"

PREACHING WELL APPLIED.

A CERTAIN Bishop had a servant, whom he or­dered one festival day to go to a butcher, who was called David, for a piece of meat; and then to come to church, where the Bishop was to preach. The Bishop, in his sermon, bringing authorities, from the [Page 75]scriptures, to prove his discourse in this manner, "ISAIAH says thus, JEREMIAH says thus, EZEK [...]L says thus;" at last, happening to turn towards the door, just as his servant come in, went on, "and what says DAVID?" Upon which the servant roared out, "DA­VID swears that if you do not pay what you owe him, you never need send to his stall again."

DEAD ALIVE.

CAPTAIN Christie, an Irish officer, who served with considerable credit in America, had the misfor­tune to be dreadfully wounded in one of the battles there. As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate sol­dier, who was near him, and was also severely wound­ded, made a terrible howling, at which Christie ex­claimed,: "D-mn your eyes, what do you make such a noise for, do you think no body is killed but yourself?"

STORY OF AN ASS, WHO CONTRADICTED HIS MASTER.

A MAN went to borrow an ass of a neighbour, who said the ass was not home.—Meanwhile the ani­mal happened to bray: upon which the borrower ex­claimed, "How! did you not tell me the ass was not at home? you certainly meant to deceive, for I hear him bray." The other replied, in a great passion, "Why neighbour, will you take the ass's word before mine?"

THE MAN OF FEELING.

A SWISS Captain, burying pell-mell in the field of battle both the dead and the wounded, it was re­presented to him, that some of those, whom he thus buried, were not quite dead, and with care might perhaps recover. 'Poh! poh!' said he, "if you take their word for it, there is not a man of them will own himself dead."

A DOUBTFUL CASE.

A SCHOLAR, meeting a man, said to him, with great seeming surprise, "Bless me, Sir, I heard you was dead." To which the other answered, "Oh! no; it is not true; you see I am still alive." The scholar replied, "Perhaps you are; but, upon my word. I don't know how to believe you, for he, who told me you were dead, is a man of much more credit than you are."

A REMARKABLE CASE.

A SCHOLAR, wanting money, sold his books, and wrote to his father in the following manner: "Re­joice with me, my dear father, for now my books maintain me."

TIT FOR TAT.

A COUNTRY fellow was just come to London, gaping about in every shop he came to, at last he came [Page 77]to a lottery office, where seeing only one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold there; but calling to the clerk, "Pray Sir," said he, "what do you keep to sell here?" "Logger­heads," cried the clerk. "Do you," answered the countryman: "by the living jingo, then, you have a special good trade, for I see you have but one logger­head left."

HORSEMANSHIP.

AN Irish sailor, as he was riding, made a stop for a few minutes—The horse in beating off the flies, caught his hind foot in the stirrup; the sailor obser­ving it, said, "How now dobbin, if you are going to get on. I'll get off, for dam-me if I'll ride double with you.

PRAYER AT SEA.

AN atheistical fellow, in a storm at sea, began to use this rhetoric to God for his life: "O Lord, I be­seech thee to hear my praver at this time, for thou knowest I trouble thee but seldom."

SIGNS OF CIVILIZATION.

THE writer of a modern book of Travels relating the particulars of his being cast away on an unknown shore, thus concludes:

[Page 78] "After having walked eleven hours without tra­cing the print of a human foot, to my great comfort and delight, I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet, my pleasure at seeing this cheering prospect was inexpres­sible, for it convinced me, that I was in a civilized country."

SUM TOTAL OF A LORD MAYOR's TALENTS.

KING James the Second passing through Colches­ter, it was resolved, that the Mayor should compli­ment him on his arrival. It so happened, that this chief magistrate was eminently stupid (which is look­ed upon as no strange thing in England). The town clerk was appointed to attend him at his back, and whisper what he was to say to the King. When they came into his Majesty's presence, the clerk, designing to encourage the mayor, whispered, "Hold up your head and look like a man." "Hold up your head and look like a man!" did the mayor bawl to the King. The clerk, astonished, whispered, "What the devil do you mean?" The mayor bawled out, "What the devil do you mean?" The clerk, sweating with fear and vexation, whispered, "By Heaven! you will ruin us all." The mayor immediately repeated, "By Heaven! you will ruin us all." The clerk, in a vio­lent rage, said, "Oh! you blundering puppy, I wish you had never come here." The mayor again bawled, "Oh! you blundering puppy, I wish you had never come here." The clerk, on this, immediately took to his heels, and the mayor followed him, leaving the King in a violent fit of laughter, though not without rage.

ORATORY.

WHEN Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great-room in York buildings, which he intended for public orations, he happened at a time to be pretty much behindhand with his workmen: and coming one day amongst them, to see how they went forward, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a speech, that he might observe, how it could be heard. The fellow mounting, and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said Sir Richard, "no matter for that; speak any thing that comes upper­most." "Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one penny of money; pray, sir when do you intend to pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard "Pray, come down I have heard enough; I must own you speak very distinctly, but I cannot say I like [...] subject."

COUNT DE GRANCE.

THE Count de Grance being wounded in the knee with a musket ball, the surgeons made many in­cisions in the flesh to find it. The Count losing pa­tience at last, asked them, why they cut and carved him so cruelly? "We are seeking the ball; "said they. "Why the devil did you not speak before", said the Count, "I took it out myself and have it in my pocket."