THE LIFE OF MRS. SARAH OSBORN.
PART I. Containing an Account of the first thirty years of her Life, written by herself; with a brief Introduction.
MRS. SARAH OSBORN, was born in London, on February 22, 1714. Her father was Mr. Benjamin Haggar. Her mother was Mrs. Susanna Haggar, whose maiden name was Guyse. She was sister to the Reverend Doctor John Guyse of London. Mrs. Osborn came to America, with her mother, in the year 1722, in the ninth year of her age, her father having been here for some time before. They lived in Boston a short time, and then moved to Freetown, on the east side of Taunton river, near fifty miles south of Boston, and above twenty miles from Newport. In the year 1729, they moved to Newport on Rhodeisland, where she lived till her decease.
The following is a more particular account of the first thirty years of her life, written by herself.
[Page 6]HAVING been for some years strongly inclined to write something of what I can remember of the dealings of God with my soul from a child, I now, being about thirty years old, attempt to do it; hoping it may consist with the glory of God, at which I trust, through grace, I sincerely aim: And the good of my own soul, as a mean to stir up gratitude in the most ungrateful of all hearts, even mine, to a glorious and compassionate Savior, for all his benefits towards so vile a monster in sin as I am: And for the encouragement of any who may providentially light on these lines after my decease, to trust in the Lord, and never despair of mercy, since one so stubborn and rebellious as I have been, has obtained it, through the sovereign riches of free grace. But Oh, let all tremble at the thought of abusing a Savior so, lest God should say, "Let them alone, they shall never enter into my rest."
Lord, humble me for my base ingratitude; and help me, by affording me the influences and assistance of thy blessed Spirit, that I may be impartial in this work, declaring the truth, and nothing but the truth; and in all that, have a single eye to thy glory. O, for Jesus' sake, suffer me not to do any thing that will tend to puff up self. O, remove all spiritual pride, and keep me low at the feet of Jesus. Fill me with adoring and admiring thoughts of thee, O God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost, who has so wonderfully contrived and wrought out my redemption; and though thou hast, through infinite wisdom, hid these things from the wise and prudent, yet hast revealed them unto babes; and even to me, the most ignorant and
[Page 7] vile of all creatures: Whose deep rooted enmity against thee and thy laws broke out into action, as soon as I was capable of any. The first that I can remember of actual sins, of which I was guilty, was
telling a lie. And then that text of scripture often rang in my ears, "All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone."
I was frequently under the strivings of the Spirit of God, pressing me to forsake sin, and repent and perform duties: But sometimes found them very burden some to me; such as praying and saying many good things, which I was frequently taught. Blessed be God for such instructions. Sometimes I loved them, and was much affected with them: But my corruptions prevailed dreadfully, an angry temper stiring in me; especially when corrected by my mother. But I acknowledge, to the glory of God, that he preserved such a tenderness of conscience in me, that if at any time my mother convinced me that she did it because it was her duty, and for my sin against God, I could bear it patiently, and willingly, yea thankfully.
Thus I continued till I was about seven or eight years old; when, my father being in New England, my mother put me to a boarding school, about three miles from London, where every thing was delightful to me. I was constantly taught things that were religious, and they all became sweet to me, so that I verily thought I lived a heaven upon earth. O, how sweet were Sabbaths! And for secret praye
[...], I would
[...]o
[...] have omitted it for all the world;
[...] the
[...] omitting it appeared so monstrous,
[...]and such
[...]
[Page 8] dreadful thing, that I dare not lie down without it: In this I was doubtless governed by a legal spirit. I was frequently much enlarged in that duty, and used to weep much when confessing my sins, and pleading for the pardon of them, and for an interest in Christ. The name of Christ was sweet to me, and sin appeared more hateful. I often used to reprove others, when guilty of it. But once in particular, I remember, when I was at Hartford, where my grandmother lived, and my brother with her, a little time before we came to New England, my brother did something which I thought was wicked, and I reproved him sharply for it; but was much perplexed, after I had done it, with these words of scripture, "Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." This frighted me exceedingly. I thought I was a vile hypocrite, and should never dare to reprove any body again. And, I suppose, a hypocrite I was. But at last I told my grandmother of it, who encouraged me to go on, telling me i
[...] was my duty so to do; and if I was faithful, God would bless me, and love me.
So I continued for a while, as I thought, to delight in the ways of holiness. But alas! alas! how soon was it over! My goodness was like the morning cloud and the early dew, which soon passeth away; for when I was in my ninth year my father sent for my mother and me to come to New England to him. And on board the ship
[...]ost my good impressions, and grew vile, so that I could then play upon the Sabbath. But was convinced of that sin by an accident which
[Page 9] befel me; or
[...] was ordered by infinite wisdom for that end. Fo
[...] as I was busy in boiling something for my amusement, I fell into the fire with my right hand, and burnt it all over; which I presently thought came justly upon me for playing on the Sabbath day: And I was ashamed and sorry I had done so.
But after this I do not remember any particular conviction for some years; but was changeable and inconstant, sometimes quite careless, and then more diligent in the performance of prayer. I had always, as I thought, a great love for those who I believed were good people, especially ministers. My very heart would leap with joy, when I could see, or come near enough to touch them. I mention this as a childish notion, that I took such pleasure in touching them. I used to go secretly behind them for that purpose. I thought I could do any thing in my power to serve them.
About two years and an half after we came to Boston, my parents moved to Freetown, and I with them. And when I was about thirteen years old, my mother went from thence to Newport on Rhodeisland, and went to visit Mr. Clap, who gave her a little book of spiritual songs for me, and desired her to give it to me, and tell me that it came from one who was a hearty well wisher to my soul. These words immediately seized me, and filled me with shame to think that one whom I never knew should take such care of my precious soul, while I was so careless myself. And from that minute I thought I had a grateful love for Mr. Clap
[...]
[Page 10] longed to sit under his ministry. I was then for some time under strong convictions. Had such a sense of the hardness of my heart, that I often thought it was impossible for me to be sufficiently awakened by any ordinary means; and prayed that God would do any thing with me, though ever so terrible, so that I might be driven from my evil courses, and turned to God. Some change I thought must be wrought in me, or I should never get to heaven; but after what manner, I knew not. However, I resolved to persist in the way of duty, as I called it, and to forsake my sins, and lead a new life. But, fool that I was, I made resolutions in my own strength, and built upon my own works; and so soon fell again. O, amazing grace, that God should spare such a wretch as me, such an abuser of mercy!
After this I found myself dead, and to have no heart, as I thought, to pray, nor any sweetness in it, when I did. Then, O how I longed for the return of the spirit of God, imagining he was withdrawn from me. Sometimes I did agonize in prayer, and plead with God that he would return to me by his Spirit once more. But was often answered by these words, "My Spirit shall not always strive with man." Then I would beg, and promise that if God would try me
this once, I would never grieve or resist his Spirit again. O, wretch that I was! thus to lie to the glorious God, who was then striving with me, to bring me to his Son; for I did,
I did quench his motions, and soon forgot my promises. O, deceitful and dreadfully wicked heart! who can
[Page 11] know it? Lord, I am amazed at thy patience that I am out of hell.
Sometime after this, contrary to my parents' commands, I got into a canoe to paddle about in the river,
* and could not get on shore again. It being in the night, though the moon shined bright, I expected no other but to be drowned. Once I thought to get out, and pull the canoe to the shore; but tried first if I could reach the bottom with my paddle: And finding I could not, durst not venture. Then I could see no probability of escaping death. So I kneeled down and prayed, and all my former convictions revived: And the sin of disobedience to my parents especially appeared odious. I thought it was just that God should bring me into this distress for this sin; and with great vehemence and self abhorrence confessed my sins, with their aggravations before God, pleading for an interest in the blood of Christ, and for pardon for his sake, for that, and all my other sins. And while I was praying, I felt a secret joy, verily believing that I was forgiven, and that Christ had loved me with an everlasting love, and that I should be happy with him, and longed for the time. I was immediately resigned, as I thought, to the will of God, quite willing to die, and willing to live; begging that God would dispose of me as most consisted with his glory. And after I had thus resigned myself, as I thought, soul and body into the hands of God, to do with me as seemed good to him, I was as calm and serene in the temper of my mind, as ever in my life.
[Page 12]But at length I bethought myself, that self preservation was a great duty, and therefore I ought to try to get on shore. So I hollowed as loud as I could to the neighbors, who with much difficulty were made to hear, and came to me, some hours after. There was not another canoe within two or three miles; for I had been driven by the tide some miles, first up and then down the river.
How it would have been with my soul, if God had taken me out of the world at that time, he only knows. Some christians have thought, a saving change was then wrought, and that I should have been happy.
After this, I was more diligent in pursuing, as I thought, the ways of holiness in the way God had appointed; and more watchful against sin. My life was pleasant and sweet. I had great enlargements in duties. But at length grew cold again. O ungrateful soul! to forget such a remarkable deliverance from death.
The next winter I was as wonderfully preserved. The weather being exceeding cold, the river was frozen, so that people, horses and teams went over on the ice. But while it was hard and slippery, I durst not venture on it, for fear of falling. But after a great thaw, so that the ice looked quite black, I, contrary to my parents' orders again, they being from home, went quite over to the other side, which was a mile. But the tide was rising, so I could not get on shore: And when I looked round me, I could see nothing but great holes, as large as houses, or larger, some of them. There was no way for me, but to go straight back again;
[Page 13] which I did. But the water was almost over shoes all the way; and the ice, it seemed to me, bent every step I took. And when I got back, the water was so risen, that I was much beset to get on shore: And it was in the dusk of the evening. But at last, with much difficulty, I found a strip of ice, as narrow as a bridge, which reached the shore, by which I got to land. But when I had got off, and saw the imminent danger to which I had exposed myself, by my folly and presumption, it made me tremble exceedingly. I presently thought again, how just God would have been, if I had been drowned for my disobedience to my parents; and wondered at his patience in sparing me: But do not remember, that I felt any abiding impressions; so great was my woful stupidity: Though I think I kept on praying, &c. As to the river, the wind rose presently, and blew very hard from the south, so that it, with the tide, broke it up, that before bed time there was not a piece of ice of any bigness within sight of our house, which stood close by the river. I am amazed, when I consider how wonderfully God preserved me, a poor finful worm, so unworthy of the least mercy.
The next March, we removed to Dighton,
* where we lived one year. I remember but one awakening in that time; and that was by hearing of the death of one of my former associates in Freetown, a young girl, about my age.
Then I was again astonished at the patience of God, in sparing me alive and out of hell.
[Page 14] Then I renewed my resolutions to lead a new life. But instead of that, in the spring we moved to Rhodeisland, where I soon got into company, and was full of vanity. But my conscience would not let me be easy.
After some sore trials and temptations, I was more comfortable, and had a great desire, I thought, to forsake
all sin, and to comply with every commanded duty. I longed to join to the church; but thought I was unworthy. I thought I thirsted for communion with God in the ordinance of the Lord's Supper, and used to think, if I came to
that, it would certainly be a restraint upon me, so that I should not dare to sin as others did. And when I stayed to see the ordinance administered, I used to think I could give all this world, I were fit to attend it. My spirit would even sink within me for the longings I had. Some times I should weep so that I could not conceal it. One Sabbath, I went to hear Mr. Clap preach at his own house, where I inclined to go constantly; but my parents went to the other meeting, and were not pleased I should go from them: So I went but seldom. But at this time there was a girl of about fourteen years old baptised, which so affected me that I could hardly refrain from crying out in the meeting, when I thought how I had broken the covenant engagements, which my parents had made with God, in my behalf, in my infancy, and so long abused so great a privilege, as being a child of the covenant: And she, who had not had so much done for her, should now come to desire it herself! I
[Page 15] saw, as I thought, such a beauty in her, that I loved her entirely, and wished to be as good as I thought she was. I made new resolutions to live answerable to the mercies I had received: But being made in my own strength I soon fell again. I thought I trusted in God; and used frequently, in times of trial, to go and pour out my complaints to him, thinking he was my only support. But I dare not now be positive, or really conclude, that I knew what it was to put my trust in God; for my conduct after this seems so inconsistent with grace, that I dare not say I had one spark of it then; but rather think I was only under a common work of the Spirit: Though some times I think I had true grace, though very weak. God only know
[...] how it was. O that he would enable me now to give diligence to make my calling and election sure, that I may not be deceived in a matter of so great importance. But to go on. After this (O that with deep humility of soul, with sorrow and shame, I could speak of it) I relapsed again, and was full of vanity. I kept company with a young man, something against my parents will. But that was owing to false reports raised of him; for at first they liked him. I made resolutions, that, after I was married, I would lead a new life, flattering myself that then I should not have the hinderances which I now had. I used bitterly to reflect upon myself, when I had given myself liberty to be merry; for though I appeared outwardly so, I had no real pleasure: But still put off repentance, or an entire breaking off from vanity, till a more convenient season; and
[Page 16] so resisted the Spirit of God. O Lord, how just hadst thou been, if thou hadst left me entirely to myself! And if thou hadst, nothing would have been too bad for such a vile wretch as I to have committed. But blessed be God, who withheld me from such sins as would have brought me to open justice, and exposed myself and family to shame and disgrace.
In process of time, I was married to Mr. Samuel Wheaten, being in my eighteenth year, October 21, 1731, and went with my husband, the next winter, to see his friends in the country; where I stayed almost five months; and was almost all the time under strong convictions. Oh, how I did sweat and tremble for fear my convictions should wear off again, and plead with God to set home strong convictions, and never,
never suffer them to cease, till they ended in a sound and saving conversion; till I knew and was sure that I had a saving interest in Jesus Christ, and was freely forgiven for his sake! And this was the substance of my frequent prayers ever after, when I could pray at all with earnestness; that I might never rest more, till I was sure my peace was made with God.
From this time I had a hope again, at times, that Ch
[...]t was mine. But it was some years after before it pleased God to answer it fully, by giving me an assurance of it. But then I longed again for the ordinance of the Lord's supper, though some times shocked by that awful text, "He who eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself." But
[Page 17] resolved at last, if I lived to get home, I would venture,
in obedience to the commandment of Christ; and throw myself into the arms of mercy. I longed to commemorate the death and sufferings of a crucified Jesus. I thought nothing should tempt me to delay any longer. But, oh my sinful soul, must I yet add to the number of thy backslidings! Could not the time past suffice, that thou hadst provoked a compassionate God! Was it not enough, and more than enough, that thou hadst rebelled so long against a glorious Christ, and grieved his blessed Spirit
[...] But must I go on again, after such awakenings as these, which one would have thought impossible! But, oh deceitful heart, thou didst,
thou didst! Lord, I blush and am ashamed, when I remember my notorious ingratitude. O break this heart of flint, dearest Lord, that it may melt into tears of contrition: And never suffer me to forgive myself, because thou hast forgiven me.
After I came home, I met with much affliction in many respects. It seemed to me that the whole world were in arms against me. I thought I was the most despised creature living upon earth. I used to pray to God in secret to relieve me; but did not, as I ought, see his hand in permitting it so to be, as a just punishment for my vile sins: And therefore was not humbled under it as I ought; b
[...]et nature rise, and acted very imprudently, in many respects. I was then with child, and often lamented that I was like to bring a child into such a world of sorrow: But some times found a disposition to dedicate my babe to God, while in
[Page 18] the womb; and did so, at all seasons of secret prayer. And, after it was born, my husband being at sea, I could not rest till I had solemnly given it up to God in baptism. And I thought that I did indeed give up both myself and it to God.
I met with many trials in my lying in, it being an extreme cold season. My child was born on Oct. 27, 1732. The next spring, my husband returned home; but went to sea again, and died abroad in November, 1733. I was then in my twentieth year. The news of my husband's death came to me on the first of the next April. And I was prepared the evening before to receive it, by being uncommonly exercised in my mind about spiritual things: And that text in Hebrews was continually in my thoughts, "How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation?" This put me upon pleading with God, that I might not be found among the neglecters of it. I went to bed in a house all alone, my child being at my father's. And about eleven or twelve o'clock at night was awaked to hear the heavy tidings. But God appeared wonderfully for my support. I saw his hand, and was enabled to submit with patience to his will. I daily looked round me, to see how
[...]uch heavier the hand of God was laid on some
[...]ers, than it was on me, where they were left with a large number of children, and much involved in debt. And I had but one to maintain; and, though poor, yet not involved. Others, I saw, as well as myself, had their friends snatched from them by sudden accidents. The
[Page 19] consideration of these things, together with this thoughts of what I deserved, stilled me so, th
[...] though the loss of my companion, whom I dearly loved, was great; yet the veins of mercy, which I saw running through all my a
[...]ictions, were so great likewise, that, with Jo
[...] I could say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, and blessed be the name of the Lord." I had then the promises of the widow's God to plead, and seemed to cast myself more immediately upon his care, verily believing, as I thought, he would provide for me, with my fatherless babe; for whom I often pleaded for covenant blessings, since he had been cast upon God from the womb.
O, how much comfort do those parents lose, who never gave their children up to God in baptism in their infancy! And how sad for children themselves to be deprived of the privilege of pleading with God for covenant blessings! My being dedicated to God in my infancy always put an argument into my mouth, to beg of God that I might not cut myself off, since I was a child of the covenant, and from a child given to him in baptism. But, to return:
As before this affliction every one seemed to be enemies to me, so from that time, all became friends. My parents treated me very ten
[...] and God inclined every one who saw m
[...] kind to me. My brother was come into
[...] England: And being a single man, we went
[...]o housekeeping together. But in three months after he married, and I soon found it would not do to live as before; and began to be thoughtful
[Page 20] how I should do. I could see no way in which I could get a living. All doors seemed to be shut. But I verily believed that God would point out a way for me. And accordingly, the very day I came to a resolution to move as soon as I could, a stranger to my case, who kept a school a little way off, came to me, and told me that she only waited for a fair wind to go to Carolina; and, if it would suit me, I should have her chamber and schollars; which I joyfully accepted. Thus the widow's God remarkably provided for me. This was on Nov. 19, 1734. I was then placed in a family, who discovered a great deal of affection for me; and in all respects used me as tenderly as if I had been a near relation.
It pleased God the next May to lay his afflicting hand on me, by a sharp humour, which broke out in my hands, so that, for three months, every finger I had was wrapped up in plasters; and I could help myself but very little, and was under the doctor's hands. In the fall I was taken with violent fits, and was quite deprived of sense by them five days. I was blistered almost all over by the doctor; and my hands and arms were all raw, from my fingers' ends, up above my elbows, attended with a h
[...] fever. But all my friends were exceeding
[...]nd to me, and those in the house took care of me, and of my children too; so that my school was not broken up, till I was able to take care of it myself again. But the sharp humour continued very violent, at times, for some years: And still continues at some seasons.
[Page 21] But, in all this time of illness, God wonderfully provided for me. I wanted for none of the comforts of life: Neither was I cast down; for his mercy held me up.
The instances of the remarkable hand of God in his providence, in ordering my temporal affairs, are innumerable. But, oh vile wretch! after all this I grew flack again, and got into a cold, lifeless frame. As I grew better in bodily health, my soul grew sick. I daily laid up a stock for repentance. But, through rich grace, I was again convinced of my stupidity, and began to be more diligent in attending on the means of grace. But I found I could not profit by the word preached: Nothing reached my heart; all seemed but skin deep: And the more I went to meeting, the more I found it so. Then I began to think I must take some other course.
Not long after I went to hear Mr. Clap; who told me the very secrets of my heart in his sermon, as plain as I could have told them to him, and indeed more so. His sermon was very terrible to me. My sins, from my cradle, were ranked in order before my eyes, and they appeared dreadful. I saw the depravity of my nature; and how I was exposed to the infinite justice of an angry God. All my former convi
[...]ions were brought to my remembrance. I saw how I had stifled the motions of the blessed Spirit of God, and resisted all the kind invitations of a compassionate Saviour. I was heart sick of all my works. And as it had been often suggested to me, I believe from Satan, that it
[Page 22] was time enough for me to repent hereafter, it was now strongly impressed on my mind, that it was
now too late for me to find mercy. Once I might have had a Christ; but now my day was past. And it was suggested that I had committed the unpardonable sin; because I had sinned against light and knowledge, even against the convictions of my own conscience. This I knew I had done; and therefore believed I had committed that sin which could never be forgiven.
In this distress, I went to my Bible; but could find nothing but terror there. My whole attention was turned to such passages as the following. "After thy hardness and impenitent heart, treasurest up wrath to thyself against the day of wrath, and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who will reader to every man according to his deeds. All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Consider this, ye that forget God, lest I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver. He that being often reproved, hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy. Ye have set at nought my counsel, and would none of my reproof: I also will laugh at your calamity, and mock when your fear cometh. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Who among us can dwell with everlasting burnings!" All these, and many more such terrible passages of scripture, I found, whenever I opened the Bible. My eyes were open to nothing else, and not one
[Page 23] word of comfort could I find. And if I thought of complying with any commanded duty, I seemed to be frowned away by these words, What hast thou to do to take my covenant into thy mouth? Oh, the distress and anguish of soul I then felt, neither my tongue nor pen can express, when I was brought to believe there was no mercy for such a monster in sin as I was, and expected every moment that hell would open its mouth and swallow me up, amazed that God had kept me out so long!
When Satan, and my wicked heart, had prevailed so far as to make me despair of the mercy of God, and verily to believe hell would be my portion, I was tempted to try to get the easiest room there; and, to that end, to keep myself as ignorant as I could; it being suggested to my mind, that the servant who knew not his Lord's will would be beaten with few stripes; while he who knew it, and did it not, would be beaten with many stripes: And as my time was over for doing his will, I had better leave off reading, praying or hearing the word preached any more; for I should fare better, if I did. And oh, vile wretch as I was, I yielded in some measure to the subtil adversary of my soul and salvation. O, astonishing grace, that God did not strike me down into hell the very moment I thought to do so! God had been just if he had done so, though I must have weltered under the scalding drops of his wrath forever and ever.
But, O! what shall I say, or how, with gratitude enough, express the wonderful goodness of that God, who preserved me, even when I
[Page 24] was, in my own apprehension, upon the very brink of hell, weltering in my blood; when no eye pitied me, and no created arm could save me: Even then did he spread his skirt over me, and said to me, Live. After I had been near a week in this distress, my very soul racked with fear of what I must undergo to all eternity, those words, "
Depart from me," sounding in my ears, and I uttering the language of hell, "There is no hope! There is no help! The door of mercy is shut against me forever!" all at once, I was alarmed with these thoughts, which seemed to be conveyed to my mind in the following words. "Who has told you, that your day of grace is over? Are not the doors of the meeting house open? Cannot you hear the offers of salvation? Have you not your Bible to read? And you may pray: Therefore, you see your external day of grace is not over. And how do you know but you may yet obtain mercy? It is the devil who has suggested all this to you; and he is a liar from the beginning." I was then convinced, that it was the devil who had been tempting me to despair of the mercy of God, which I did not perceive before, but verily thought what he suggested to me was true, viz. That there was no hope for me.
During the time of this distress, which was from Saturday night to the next Saturday night, I slept no more than just to keep me alive. And when I did sleep, it was filled with terrors. It was the same with my necessary food; I thought myself so unworthy of the least mercy, that I know not how to eat. I found that expression of
[Page 25] Solomon to be true, "The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?" For sure I am that no affliction or pain of body whatever, is to be compared with what I then underwent. Oh how terrible must it be for those poor souls who are on a death bed, to have such hard work to do! I have often thought if I had not been in bodily health, I could not have lived through it. But, blessed be God, it was when I was as well in body, as I have been for many years; which has been a comfort to me on all accounts; and particularly because sick bed repentance too frequently wears off. But to proceed:
After I saw that I was tempted by Satan to despair, and knowing that he was a liar, I began, for a few minutes, to have some glimmering of hope that it might possibly be, that Christ would receive me, because he had spared me hitherto, on this side the grave, and out of hell. Who knows, thought I, but I may yet be a child of God. Immediately upon these thoughts, I was furiously assaulted with new temptations by Satan, I believe, not to flatter myself with the thought that I should be a child of God; for I was not elected, and therefore could not be saved. Besides, God did not leave his children to be tempted by him, as I had been. I might be sure, if I was one of God's chosen, he would not have suffered me to be tempted so; but I belonged to Satan, and he was sure of me. And I, like a fool, yielded to these suggestions, and at once cast off my hope again, verily believing it was impossible that I could ever be a child of
[Page 26] God. Now I was brought to the greatest e
[...] tremity, and plunged into as deep an agony as ever. I saw myself utterly lost without a Christ. I thought I could have suffered all the torments in the world for an interest in Christ. If I could have purchased him by doing any thing, though ever so hard, I should then have thought it nothing. But oh, base, proud, unbelieving heart
[...] I could not take him freely, upon his own terms; because, though I had no doubt that he was able to save me; yet I could not see him willing to receive so vile a wretch. In this dreadful agony, I opened my Bible, and the first words I cast my eye upon were these:
[...] Co
[...]. x.13. "There hath no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man: But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will, with the temptation, also make a way for your escape, that ye may be able to bear it." These words were accompanied with those powerful influences of the spirit of God, which excited in me a sense of the excellence, glory and truth of God, and I had a pleasing confidence and rest in the divine faithfulness, and embraced the promises in these words. As it is not possible for me to express the greatness of the distress, in which I was before; so it is as much impossible for me to make any one sensible of the joy, with which I was instantly filled by this gracious promise; except those who experimentally know what it is; for God was pleased, at that moment, to give me faith
[...]o lay hold on it. O, how did it fill my heart and mouth with praises, and my eyes with
[...]oods of
[Page 27] tears! I was humbled to the dust, and
[...], as I paraphrased upon every branch of the text. It surprised, and comforted me too, to find that there had no temptation taken me, but such as i
[...] common to man, wh
[...] but a few minutes before I had been thinking that none had ever been tempted as I was. But as I perused the other part, viz. That God was faithful, and would not suffer me to be tempted abo
[...] that I
[...]a
[...]ble; but would, with the temptation, make a way for me to escape, that I might be able to bear it; my transpor
[...]: of joy was so great, that it was more than my poor feeble frame was able to sustain; for my nature even fainted with excessive joy. Then I saw Christ not only able, but willing to receive me; and could freely trust my soul in his hands.
O, how was that scripture verified, which says, "By grace are ye saved, through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God." Sure I am, I can never boast; for it was as much impossible for me of myself to believe, as it was to create a new world, owing to the c
[...]i
[...] inal blindness and obstinacy of my heart, which could not be subdued by any thing short of infinite power. Neither could any power, less than that which raised Jesus from the dead, cause me to venture upon Christ, and accept him upon his own terms.
Now my Bible appeared quite different from what it did but just before. I could find cordials in great numbers of texts of scripture; and all, as well as that just mentioned, looked to me as if I had never read them before. I think I
[Page 28] did not sleep any that night; but continued praising God. The next day I went to meeting: And, it being sacrament day, I stayed to see the ordinance administered. But O, what a condition I was in, when I viewed the dear children of God sitting with the Redeemer at his table! By faith I saw a crucified Savior pouring out his precious blood to redeem
[...]s people
from their sins. And believing that I, through grace, was one of them, O, how did my heart melt, and my eyes slow with tears, when I thought I saw my dearest Lord in his bitter agony in the garden: And then crowned with
[...]s, b
[...]ssetted and beaten; and at last nailed to an accu
[...]sed tree: And all to free me from the torments I had so lately dreaded! It caused me bitterly to reflect upon myself, and cry out, "My sins, my sins, O Lord, have been the procuring cause of thy bitter sufferings!" Oh, how odious did my sins appear then! And especially the monstrous sins of ingratitude and unbelief, which I had been guilty of, in abusing so long the kind invitations of a bleeding, expiring Jesus. Oh! when I considered how often and how long he had stood knocking; but could have no entrance into my hardened heart, I was astonished at myself, that I could possibly be so cruel; and astonished at free grace and redeeming love, that I was spared to see that happy day. O then I begged that the everlasting doors of my soul might be lifted up, that the King of glory might enter in and take full possession. O, how gladly did I embrace a Saviour upon his own terms, as my Prophet, Priest and King! He appeared
[Page 29] lovely, the chief among ten thousands, and wasten thousand times welcome to me. And I was enabled, through grace to own the covenant, and give up myself in an everlasting covenant, never to be forgotten, resolving, God's grace assisting me, to comply with every command of my dear Saviour. And these words loudly sounding in my ears, "
This do in remembrance of me," adoring my dear Redeemer for his infinite goodness in appointing such a glorious ordinance for the nourishment of his dear children, in which they might have
[...] mate communion with him, I promised, God enabling to keep it, that I never would omit that duty. (And I never did.)
* In this condition I remained during the time of the administration of the ordinance, filled with such a mixture of joy and grief, that I was not able to restrain myself, but was obliged to get down on the floor, and lean on the bench; for I could neither stand nor sit; but, being in a pew in the gallery, alone, my condition was not discovered
[Page 30] by any, as I had no desire it should; for I strove to conceal it as much as possible.
Thus, through rich unlimited grace, was I brought to lay down my arms of rebellion, which I saw I had held as long as I could. Blessed be God, that I was then compelled to come in, and list under the banner of Christ. Sure I am, whatever others may boast of a free will, I have none of my own, but to do evil; for I resisted to the last moment. O my God! I adore thy sovereign power, which made me willing in the day of it. If ever there was a monument of mercy, sure I am one. O, so let me remain forever and ever, for Jesus' sake.
The next day I went to see Mr. Clap, wit
[...] an intent to acquaint him with my desire to join the church, these words,
This do in remembrance of me, still sounding in my ears. But I appeared so vile in my own eyes, that I knew not how to ask the privilege of him. But when I came, after some usual questions concerning my welfare, he asked me when I had been to see him before. I answered, I had not for a long time. Then he asked me the reason of it. I dare not now make any formal excuses as usual; but burst out into tears, and told him, I had been too wicked. He no sooner perceived what my condition was, but like a tender father to a little child, bid me not grieve, if that was the reason; I was welcome to him
now: And he would do all he could to help me forward. And after some more conversation, contrary to my expectation, he asked me if I did not desire to join to the church? I said, that was indeed part of my business.
[Page 31] I had met with many hinderances, and particularly that awful text of scripture, "He that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself," had made me afraid to approach the Lord's table. But
now resolving, through grace, to rely upon Christ alone for assistance and acceptance, renouncing all my own righteousness, believing it to be a positive commanded duty, I dare not omit it once more, if I might be received. Upon this he told me he should inquire into my character. This I told him I expected; but could tell him more of myself, than any could say of me, having been, through restraining grace, kept from open and scandalous sins. Then he said I had great cause to be thankful. He bid me come to him, as often as I had a desire, if it was morning, noon or night, and I should be always welcome. And he lent me a book, entitled, "But they seek a better country, even an heavenly." I was so delighted with it, that I sat up all night to read it two or three times over.
I visited Mr. Clap very often; and he as often expressed his willingness to do me good. And once in particular, after he had done so, he lifted up his hands, giving me his blessing, and said, "You see I am willing to do you all the good I can; and if such a poor, sinful creature as I am, is willing to do so, think with yourself, how much more willing your glorious Lord is to receive you."
These words having so much reason in them, filled me with joy unspeakable. I hardly knew how to get home. I saw Christ willing, and I,
[Page 32] through grace, made willing. I could utter no other language but, "Come in, Lord Jesus, take full possession; I will come to thee, thou art mine, and I am thine. Even so, Father; for so it seemed good in thy sight." I immediately retired when I got home, to give vent to my feelings. But O, what a rapture was I in, when I renewed my solemn engagements to be the Lord's! Enabled, I trust, by grace, sincerely to take the Lord Jehovah for my covenant God; the Lord Jesus to be my Prophet, Priest and King; the Holy Ghost for my comforter, guide and sanctifier; the scriptures for my rule to walk by: Giving up myself, soul and body, all my faculties and members, as instruments of righteousness. O, how I could sing of redeeming love and free grace! Surely my heart reached forth in burning desires after the blessed Jesus. O, how was I ravished with his love! And when examining myself, thrice putting the question to my soul, which Christ put to Peter, Tell me, O my soul, lovest thou the Lord Jesus? How did my heart melt, and my eyes slow with tears, in appealing to him! Lord, thou knowest all things, thou knowest that I love thee. And when inquiring into the cause of this love which I felt, and from whence it flowed, it still overcame me more, because I knew I was brought to love him, by the powerful grace of Christ, who was before an enemy to him. This caused me to loath myself, and cry out Lord, what a traitor have I been, and yet thou hast freely loved me! O, why me, Lord! Why am I not in hell! Why among the living to praise the Lord!
[Page 33] There can be no other reason, but this; where my sins have abounded, thy grace has much more abounded. O, amazing grace! Hast thou snatched me as a brand out of the burning! O, hast thou ransomed my soul from destruction, and delivered me from my own lusts, and out of the clutches of a cruel tyrant, who had so long enslaved me, and tyrannised over me in misery! O, then how sweet was a Saviour! I could heartily subscribe to those words of scripture, "Unto you who believe he is precious. The chief among ten thousand, altogether lovely."
Thus I continued from day to day, in such ecstacies of joy, thirsting for full sanctification, and more intimate communion with God; daily asking what I should render to him for all his benefits to such an hell deserving sinner; earnestly begging that God would find out some way for me, that I might be made instrumental in advancing his kingdom and interest in the world. O, how I dreaded being an unprofitable servant: The employment I still followed seemed to encourage me to hope God intended to make use of me for the instruction of little ones; which caused me often to bless God for placing me in that calling. And though I know that it every thing I offend, and in all come short of God's glory; so that every performance has need of washing in the blood of Christ; yet it is a comfort to me, to this day, that I was enabled by grace to labour with the little souls, then committed to my charge; but desire to be humbled that I did no more. O, that I had been more faithful I Surely I longed that all the
[Page 34] world, but especially those dear to me by
[...] bonds of nature or friendship, might be convin
[...] ed of sin, and come to a glorious Christ.
[...] thought I could even spend and be spent f
[...] them. I thought I could travail in birth
[...] Christ was formed in them. And when I s
[...] any giving themselves a liberty to sin, I cou
[...] not, at some times, refrain from reproving them. Some would tell me I was turned fool, and di
[...] tracted, when I said I had been a vile sinner,
[...] every body knew I had been a sober woman
[...] my days; and yet I used to do such things to
[...] as well as they: And what was the matter
now
[...] Sometimes they would say, "This fit will be over quickly." But all such answers as these,
[...] which I had a great many, would serve to humble me yet more, and put me upon pleading f
[...] persevering grace, that I might never bring dishonour upon the name of God. And indeed all the trials I met with, which were various had, through the abounding goodness of God this effect,
to quicken me yet more.
But Satan had still a desire to sift me as whea
[...] He assaulted me daily; but those words of th
[...] blessed Jesus were frequently applied for
[...] support, "I have prayed for thee, that thy fait
[...] fail not." One night in particular, when watching with a dear friend, who was sick, Satan assaulted me in as furious a manner, seemingly as though he had appeared in bodily shape▪ though with my bodily eyes I saw nothing.
[...] believe the combat lasted, at least, two hou
[...] as fierce as though I had talked with him fa
[...] to face. He again ranked all my sins befo
[...]
[Page 35] my eyes, telling me it was impossible, not withstanding my great hopes, for me ever to be saved. He was still sure of me, and would not let me go. I should surely turn back again, and be worse than ever. It is impossible to relate the tenth part of the fiery darts he slung at me. But I was composed, not in the least daunted; but could prove him a liar in every thing he suggested, by scripture, which flowed into my mind, as though I had learned it all by heart. Never had I such a variety of scripture texts at my command in all my life, either before,
[...] since. There was nothing he could allege against me, but if I knew it was true, I immediately subscribed to it; and then flew to the particular properties of the blood of Christ, which I found sufficient for me. Thus I overcame him by the blood of the Lamb; and was left, in the issue, filled with the consolations of the blessed Spirit; triumphing over Satan; blessing and praising God for delivering me out of the hand of this cruel tyrant; adoring the lovely Jesus. And thus I spent the remainder of that night. O, how sweet was it to me! I longed for more strength to praise and love; and even to be dissolved, and to be with Christ.
Thus I continued for some time, rejoicing and resolving, by assisting grace, to press forward, and by all means to make my calling and election sure. Then I wrote my experience to be communicated to the church; and I was admitted, February 6, 1737, to partake of that holy ordinance of the Lord's Supper. But it is impossible for me to express the ecstacy of joy I was
[Page 36] in, when I saw myself there, who was by nature a child of wrath, an heir of hell, and by practice a rebel against God, a resister of his grace, a piercer of the lovely Jesus, unworthy of the crumbs that fall; yet, through free grace, compelled to come in, and partake of children's bread. It was indeed sweet to me to feed by faith on the broken body of my dearest Lord. Surely it did humble me to the dust, and filled me with self abhorrence, as I meditated on his sufferings and death, and knew my sins to be the procuring cause. But when I came to take the cup, and by faith to apply the precious properties of the blood of Christ to my soul, the veil of unbelief seemed to drop off, and I was forced to cry out, "My Lord, and my God," when I beheld the hole in his side, and the prints of the nails. And I could not but, in the words of Peter, appeal to him, Lord, thou knowest all things, thou knowest that I love thee." O then I was admitted, with the beloved disciple, to lean on his breast! O, astonishing grace, and unspeakable joy, to see God reconciled to me, in and through him; and he bidding me welcome to his table! The Holy Spirit, by his powerful influences applied all this for my strong consolation. O, what a feast is this, when intimate communion with the glorious God is thus obtained! When strong covenant engagements with him are renewed; I being assured that he was my God, and giving myself, body and soul, to him forever, and rejoicing in him as my only portion forevermore. Surely, I thought, I could never enough adore the
[Page 37] lovely Jesus for appointing such an ordinance as this.
But I cease to say any more of this; for it is impossible for me to describe the thousandth part of what I then felt. O, that I could always live as one who had thus been on the mount with God! The next morning I was as much refreshed by meditating on the 32d Psalm, from the first verse, to the end of the 5th. This caused me yet more to adore distinguishing grace, and even to be swallowed up with love to the immaculate Lamb; and resolve more and more, with full purpose of heart to cleave to the Lord. The frequent language of my soul was this, "Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee."
I daily renewed my covenant engagements with God: But that they might be more inviolably kept, I resolved to write them. And accordingly began to do it; and went on comfortably, till I came to write these words, "That I would leave, lose, and deny all that was dear to me, when it stood in competition with God, even life itself, if he should please to call for it, rather than to forsake him and his ways." Then Satan beset me, and furiously assaulted me. He suggested to me that I was now lying to God: For I had nothing in me, that would stand by me, when an hour of trial should come; but, with the stony ground hearers, would fall away. This gave me a dreadful shock at first, and caused me to stop a while, to plead with God for a discovery of my state: That he would search me and try me, and see if there were any
[Page 38] wicked way in me: And grant me real and persevering grace. And in answer to my petitions, the following portion of God's word was powerfully set home to my heart, "My grace is sufficient for thee." And then my heart was filled with joy and praises, firmly believing he was faithful who had promised, and therefore would perform it. So I proceeded to write with more fixed resolution than before.
But again Satan with great fury assaulted me, and told me, my hope would surely perish; and I should turn back, and be worse than ever, and brought to shame; and ranked in order my sins of youth. But I immediately opened my Bible, being dreadfully shocked with fear lest it should be so. And the first lines I cast my eyes upon were in Isaiah liv. 4, &c. "Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: Neither be thou confounded, for thou shalt not be put to shame: For thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. For thy Maker is thine husband, the Lord of hosts is his name, and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel, the God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee, for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer. For this is as the waters of Noah unto me. For as I have sworn
[Page 39] that the waters of Noah should n
[...]
[...] go over the earth; so have I sworn that I would not be wroth with thee, nor rebuke thee. For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." These gracious promises were so adapted to every particular of my circumstances, and applied by the Spirit of God, with such great power, that they strengthened me exceedingly.
But O, when I had finished writing my covenant, which was on the 26th of March, 1737, and came to spread it before God, and with prayers and tears to deliver it to him as my own act and deed, it verily seemed to me that all the heavens rang with acclamations of joy, that such a prodigal as I was returned to my God and Father. And my joy was so great, that my bodily strength failed, and I was, for some time, as one whose soul was ready to break loose, and wing away into the bosom of my God. O, how welcome a messenger would death then have been to me! But my great petition was, that I might with patience wait my appointed time, and glorify God upon earth.
After I had so solemnly delivered my solemn covenant engagements to God, under hand and
[...]eal, I went on my way rejoicing; this being the language of my soul, "Who shall separate me from the love of God? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? No. I am persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor angels, nor principalities,
[Page 40] nor powers, nor things present, nor thing
[...] to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord." And I am astonished, when I remember the amazing condescension of my God! He granted me near access to the throne of his grace continually: And in almost every thing for which I earnestly prayed, I was remarkably answered; and so surprisingly, at some times, that I was afraid to think it was so.
Once in particular, in that same month of March, as I was asleep in the bed, early in the morning, I was awaked with the most terrible wind that I ever knew. It immediately tore off both my windows, and carried them into the street. I rose directly, and looked out. I think I never saw the heavens and the water look so dreadfully before: And the wind blew exceeding hard, so that it appeared that all the vessels in the harbor would soon be broken to pieces. I thought of those poor souls who were exposed to the fury of the storm; and my heart was filled with tender pity and compassion for them. I retired, for secrecy, into the garret. After I got there, I expected every moment that the roof would be ripped off and blown away. But I was very earnest with God to abate the violence of the storm, and to have compassion on the poor souls in distress. And while I continued pleading with God, I had an affecting view and sense of the sufficiency of one word of Christ to do it. It was only for him to say, "Peace, be still," and the winds and sea would immediately obey him.
[Page 41] And after I had some time thus wrestled with God in prayer, I went down. I had been so earnestly engaged, that I had not perceived any abatement of the storm; but looking again out of the window in my chamber, I was surprised above measure. The sea looked as calm and pleasant to me, as if there had been no storm. I immediately retired again, and returned thanks for it, as a remarkable answer of prayer. But have often heard since, that it was a piece of pride and presumption for me to think it so. However, this I know, God is both the hearer and answerer of prayer, for Jesus' sake.
I could not avoid, when there was opportunity for it, expressing my love and thankfulness to God, for snatching me as a brand out of the burning: And when I did this once to my mother, with tears of joy running down my cheeks, she said to me, "Ah, child, you will not always find your love thus flaming to the blessed Jesus. After a while you will be more cool again." But I hastily answered, too much like Peter, It was impossible I could be such a monster for ingratitude. But she told me, she did not mean that I should in reality love him less, but compared the first espousals of a soul to Christ, with that of a husband and wife, which was generally attended with more fondness and joy, than afterwards, though the love might be the same, or stronger.
I continued to go on my way rejoicing for some time, without knowing what is was to be deserted one hour together, or entirely to lose sensible communion with God in any duty or
[Page 42] special ordinance, or ever to lie down without God; or to awake without some sweet and refreshing portion of the word of God in my thoughts. My very sleep was filled with pleasant thoughts of divine things. Surely I enjoyed some foretaste of heaven at this season.
These were happy days.—But now how shall I speak! Oh that I may do it with a heart truly broken for my sins! After all this, I began to grow more conformed to the world. Things which, when I was thus lively, appeared insipid, and indeed odious to me, began to grow more tolerable, and by degrees in a measure pleasant. And depraved nature and Satan together pleaded for them thus, "That there was a time for all things; and singing and dancing now and then, with a particular friend, was an innocent diversion. Who did I see, besides myself, so precise and strict? Other christians allowed themselves in such things, who, I had reason to think, were far superior to me in grace; especially one with whom I was very intimate. Sure, if it was sin, she would not allow herself in it.
[...]t was for extraordinary christians, such as ministers, and others who were eminent for piety, to avoid the practice of such things, and not for
me. Who did I think I was, that I should pretend to outdo other christians? They could talk of worldly things. What ailed me?" Thus the devil and carnal reasoning argued me out of a great part of my resolutions for strict godliness; and, in short, made me, in a sort, believe that it was only pride and hypocrisy, and to be seen of men, that had ever made me pretend to it.
[Page 43]Thus I sunk by degrees lower and lower, till I had at last almost lost all sense of my former experiences. I had only the bare remembrance of them, and they seemed like dreams or delusion, at some times. At others again, I had some revivals. I still constantly attended the means of grace, and Sabbaths were sometimes very sweet to me. At times I had access to the throne of grace, and obtained some communion with God, and resolved to be more circumspect, and renewed my covenant engagements with God. But I knew I was a dreadful backslider, and had dealt treacherously with God, and sometimes dare not, with any boldness, look up to him; guilt would stop my mouth. At other times gracious invitations to backsliders to return, would revive me. Thus I continued, for a great while, some times revived, and sometimes sunk, and dejected.
In Sept. 1740, God in mercy sent his dear servant Whitefield here, which in some measure stirred me up. But when Mr. Tennent came soon after, it pleased God to bless his preaching so to me, that it roused me. But I was all the winter after exercised with dreadful doubts and fears about my state. I questioned the truth of all I had experienced, and feared I had never yet passed through the pangs of the new birth, or ever had one spark of grace. And what confirmed this to me, my dear aged pastor, Mr. Clap, frequently preached, that they who had
real grace, had
growing grace. This used to make me tremble, because I could not perceive any growth; but thought I rather went back,
[Page 44] and grew worse. Thus I was covered over with thick clouds for months together. Oh, the dreadful fruits of backsliding! At last, I applied to Mr. Clap, and begged of him, that if he knew of any thing which I had left undone, by what I had told him, or wrote for my admission into the church, he would let me know it, that the mistake might be rectified before it was too late. I was indeed possessed with the thought, that he saw so clearly into my state, that he knew I was a hypocrite, though I did not till then. I told him of this. But he said, he never thought so; and put me upon renewing covenant engagements with God, and giving myself up to him
then; and perhaps I should find I had done so before. This I endeavored to do, and did get some relief; but was not yet satisfied. The tokens of a woful backslider were upon me. I had forsaken my first love, and God justly deserted me. Sometimes that text would refresh me, "Return, ye backsliding children, and I will heal your backslidings." My heart would answer, "Behold I come unto thee; for thou art the Lord my God." And sometimes that passage, "I, even I am he, that blotteth out thy transgressions, and as a cloud thy sins: Return unto me; for I have redeemed thee." But ye
[...] all this time I could not get clear of doubts; but thought such dreadful formality and hypocrisy, as I perceived to be in my heart, could not consist with grace. I labored along thus all the winter, unresolved how the case stood between God and my soul: And an uncomfortable, dreadful life it was. At some times I was
[Page 45] so covered with darkness, that I seemed to be sure I had not one spark of grace: At other times afraid of ingratitude, afraid to deny what God had done for my soul. Oh, these were the dreadful fruits of backsliding, and losing my first love! The Lord in mercy preserve me, that I may never do so any more!
I continued thus till March, 1741. And then it pleased God to return Mr. Tennent to us again, and he preached twenty one sermons here. But while he was here, I was more than ever distressed. I had lost the sensible manifestations of Christ's love. I had no more but a bare remembrance of some things, which I had experienced; and yet I was afraid to draw up a conclusion, one way or the other. I applied to Mr. Tennent, and he discoursed very suitably with me. But still I was not quiet, but exceedingly distressed.
I had some light and refreshment under his preaching the next day; but my darkness returned again, and I sunk very low. I was so afraid of presumption, that I dare not conclude my state was good. And he struck directly at those things, for which I had so foolishly and wickedly pleaded christian example, such as singing songs, dancing, and foolish jesting, which is not convenient. He said, he would not say there was no such thing as a dancing christian, but he had a very mean opinion of such as could bear to spend their time so, when it is so short, and the work for eternity so great. Then, and not till then, was I fully convinced what prodigal wasters of precious time such things were.
[Page 46] And, through grace, I have abhorred them all ever since. And to the glory of God be it spoken; for it is only from his sovereign wonderful goodness to me.
I am indeed now astonished when I think how I myself, or any other christian, who has once tasted one moment's sweet communion with God, can have any relish for such vanities as singing and dancing, &c. O, how much greater is the pleasure which is to be enjoyed in the exercise of religious duties, than any such thing can afford! Not only so; but I am amazed to think how I could possibly want such things to pass away time: For I now find the precious moments fly so fast, and my work so great, that I am often hard beset to know how to spend my time as God requires, between the immediate exercises of religion, public, private and secret, and the calling, in which God has placed me. I know the same God, who has bid me hear, and pray, and search the scriptures, has bid me work; and both in their place is my duty. And I find it very difficult to yield a uniform obedience; to give to God, what he requires for himself, and to the world, what is required as a duty, and no more. Besides all this, my heart is so perverse, that I have enough to do to watch against pride, sloth, wanderings, formality, hypocrisy, and the temptations of Satan, who is always ready to disquiet me. All these, I find, are employment enough to take up all my time, without those former recreations. If I am cheerful, a song of Zion is more sweet and refreshing to me, that all the vain songs in the world ever were, or can
[Page 47] be. And sure I am, whatever any may plead, that there is a time for all things, God never yet allowed time for sin.
O Lord, humble me for the bad example I have set, since I called myself a Christian; and forbid that any should ever again be able to plead my example for vanity. And oh, that all who name the name of Christ, may be enabled to depart from iniquity, and abstain from all appearance of evil! And if we pretend to be in Christ, oh that we may walk even as he walked! For I am persuaded, that the careless walk of professing christians, lulls more consciences asleep, when the devil, and flesh and blood set in to plead their example, than the vices of all the world besides, who make no profession. And oh, what a dreadful thing for christians to be the means of ruining precious and immortal souls, and diminishing that kingdom and interest, which they should be forever engaged to promote; and promote his kingdom and interest, against which they should always proclaim open war! Oh dreadful indeed! that Christ should be so wounded in the house of his friends! Lord, make me yet more circumspect, for Jesus' sake.—But to proceed—
I still continued in very dark and melancholy circumstances, between hope and fear, afraid to conclude one way or the other. And having no opportunity to speak with Mr. Tennent again, I wrote to him as well as I could, briefly relating what I had experienced, and begged of him to try it by scripture rules, and judge of it accordingly, and give me his opinion; that I
[Page 48] might not sin by denying the grace of God, if I had it; nor speak peace to my soul, if God did not. To which he returned the following answer.
"I LIKE your experiences well. They seem to me to be scriptural and encouraging; and I think you may humbly take comfort from them, and give God the glory of his pure grace. They who have been so humbled and distressed for sin, as to be divorced from the governing love and practice of it; and have been by the Spirit of God made willing to embrace the Redeemer deliberately, unreservedly, and resolutely, upon his own terms, have a sure interest in the great salvation. John i.12. To as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name. And whatever involuntary defects they are guilty of, they shall not break the everlasting covenant between God and their souls. Though they have played the harlot with many lovers; yet they may return to their first husband. Though God may hide his face for a little moment, yet with everlasting loving kindness will he return. Though they be sometimes easily beset with sin; yet he, who was the author, will be the finisher of their faith. I add no more but love, and remain, your real friend,
I have transcribed this letter, that, if Providence should ever cast these lines into the hands of any in like circumstances, it may, if the Lord will, have the same happy effect on them, as, by
[Page 49] the blessing of God, it had on me; which was this—The letter itself was exceeding sweet and refreshing; but the precious texts of scripture, which were quoted, were so powerfully set home on my mind, that they scattered all my clouds immediately, and I was as one restored from the grave. Then with life and courage I again renewed my written covenant engagements with God, and became more lively and zealous for God than ever. O the amazing goodness of God to me! I have heard of some christians who never recover such backslidings all their days. But I have not since lost my evidences of grace. Though I have been sometimes under desertion, yet I could frequently say, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul, and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, who is the light of my countenance, and my God."
After I was thus revived, my longings to be made useful in the world returned, and I earnestly pleaded with God that he would not suffer me to live any longer an unprofitable servant; but would point out some way, in which I might be useful: And that I might now be as exemplary for piety, as I had been for folly. And it pleased God so to order it, that I had room to hope my petitions were both heard, and in a measure answered. For soon after this a number of young women, who were awakened to a concern for their souls, came to me, and desired my advice and assistance, and proposed to join in a society, provided I would take the care of them. To which, I trust with a sense of my
[Page 50] own unworthiness, I joyfully consented. And much sweetness we enjoyed in these meetings. (And blessed be God, they are yet kept up.)
About this time it pleased God to lay his afflicting hand upon me by the removal of my only brother by death. As to the loss of his person, I found I could quietly submit, and say, "The Lord gave, and he has taken away, and blessed be the name of the Lord." But I had a sinful curiosity to know how it was with his precious soul: And being filled with fear about it, I was very much dejected. But I knew my curiosity was sinful. And I pleaded earnestly with God, that he would not suffer me to attempt to pry into the secrets of his will; but give me a quiet submission. I continued wrestling with God for resignation to his will, till about two o'clock in the morning, and then I went to bed, still begging that I might never spend another day unresigned. And just about break of day I awaked with the following words strongly impressed on my mind, "Secret things belong unto God, but those which are revealed belong unto us. The will of God is done,
the will of God is done." These words quieted me, so that I arose as cheerful, composed and thankful, as if I had met with no affliction at all, and I think more so; and never did from that hour, nor could mourn as I had done. This I considered as a remarkable answer to prayer.
After this my business failed, and I found I could not keep my room where I lived; and which way to turn, I knew not. But was persuaded God would point out some way for me.
[Page 51] I had several offers to go into the country to keep school in credible families, where I had a prospect of wanting for nothing of the necessaries of this life. But I could not bear the thought of going from the means of grace, and other precious privileges, which I then enjoyed. And the society of young women often entreated me not to leave them. I had double ties every way, and knew not what to do. But I was not distressed, believing God would provide for me. Accordingly he did so; though by an afflictive dispensation. It pleased him to remove a dear friend by death, with whom I was very intimate. Her husband was a very sober good sort of a man, and wanted me to keep his shop for my board, and wash for myself. This offer suited me very well; for hereby I was not likely to be deprived of any of my religious privileges. So on the first day of July, I went there to live, and indeed had much comfort. Dear Mr. Clap met with the society at his house twice every week, which I constantly attended; and religion seemed to be the chief business of my life. Had much comfort in all the duties of religion, public, private, and secret: And had as much time to spend in them as I could desire.
About this time I had the offer of a second marriage, with one who appeared to be a real christian (and I could not think of being unequally yoked with one who was not such.) I took the matter into serious consideration. I foresaw there were difficulties which I must unavoidably encounter; and many duties would
[Page 52] be incumbent on me, to which I had been a stranger: Particularly, in my being a mother in law to three sons, which my proposed husband had by a first wife. But after weighing all circumstances, as well as I could, in my mind, and earnest prayer▪ which God enabled me to continue in for some
[...]e. I concluded it was the will of God, that I should accept of the offer, and accordingly was married to Mr. Henry Osborn, on the fifth day of May, 1742.
The next July after I was married, I went with an intimate friend, to Little Compton, on purpose to join in a fast which was appointed there to implore the outpouring of the Spirit of God on that place; which was attended with much solemnity. The next day, which was the 29th day of the month, my friend and I were riding to a private religious meeting, and my horse stumbled and threw me over his head. My stomach came first to the ground; and yet was comparatively but little hurt; and close by the spot where my head came was a large rock, which must, in all probability, have ended my days, if I had fallen upon it. This gave me a sense of the goodness of God in preserving me. I got safe to the house to which I proposed to go. And in the evening Mr. Tylar preached a sermon, which greatly affected the people, who were under concern before: But they with much difficulty kept silence, till the sermon and prayer were ended; and then cried out in vehement agonies, lamenting their lost condition without a Savior, and pleading with God to have mercy on them, and give
[Page 53] them an interest in Christ. At this time I had an awful sense of the state of the damned, who were crying out under their torments; but past remedy.
Then a number of young women with myself withdrew into a chamber, in order to form a religious society. Where we spent some time in praying, reading, conversing and singing. At the same time a company of young men were engaged in another room in the same exercises. We happened to sing in both rooms at the same time. The melody was very sweet, and gave me lively apprehensions of the glorious employment, and blessed enjoyment of the saints in the New Jerusalem; and filled my soul with adoring thoughts of God.
But in my return to the place where I lodged, it being late in the night, we were overtaken in the most awful storm of thunder and lightning that I ever heard or saw. During the terrible claps of thunder my horse stood trembling; and as soon as they ceased, ran with full speed. I was then filled with a greater sense of the awfulness and majesty of a God, than I had ever experienced before; and more realizing thoughts of the solemnity of the last day. I did not imagine that was the time; but thought it a great resemblance of it. And I expected every moment to be called to appear before my Judge, either by the thunder and lightning, or a fall from my horse. This put me upon examining myself, to see where the foundation of my hope was laid; and whether I had real grace, and a sure interest in Christ;
[Page 54] that he might then be my advocate. I earnestly pleaded that this might be my very case. Upon strict search, I found such evidences as kept me from all fears of hell. Though I did not then feel the manifestations of the love of God, as at some other times; yet I found Christ was my only refuge. But just after the last hard clap of thunder, my horse turning suddenly round a corner, threw me off backward. My right temple came first to the ground. As I fell, I committed my spirit into the hands of my Savior, expecting death: But was wonderfully preserved; so that I was but little hurt. Thus God shewed me, in this day and night of large experience, what he could do
with me, in a way of judgment; and what
for me, in a way of mercy, in preserving me, when in imminent danger of death. Lord, for thine own name's sake, write a law of gratitude in my heart for this, with all my other mercies. O Lord, what am I, the chief of sinners, that thou art thus mindful of me!
Soon after this, we fell into disagreeable and difficult worldly circumstances, with respect to living and paying the debts we owed. My greatest concern was with respect to the latter, lest we should not be able to do justice, and so wrong our creditors, and bring dishonor on God, and our profession. Under this pressure and distress, I was relieved and supported by the following words of Scripture, "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and
[...]e content with such things as ye have; for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake
[Page 55] thee." I lived cheerfully, upon this promise, for a considerable time. And God ordered things so that our creditors were paid to their satisfaction.
I have often thought God has so ordered it throughout my days hitherto, that I should be in an afflicted, low condition, as to worldly circumstances, and inclined the hearts of others to relieve me in all my distresses, on purpose to suppress that pride of my nature, which doubtless would have been acted out greatly to his dishonor, had I enjoyed hea
[...]h, and had prosperity, so as to live independent of others. I will therefore think it best for me; for the tenderness of my friends to me, has always had a tendency to humble me greatly, and cause me to admire the goodness of God to me, that while others were daily complaining, that the rich have many friends; but the poor is despised by his neighbor, I could never say I had not as much love and respect shewed me, as if I possessed great riches, and that by the rich, as well as the poor. So that, on the account of my poverty, I never was despised.
*
[Page 56]AND now I have, according to my desire, committed some of the many thousands of my experiences to writing. And I will give my reasons for doing it. The first motive, as I mentioned in the introduction, was, that I might be excited to praise and glorify that God who has wrought such wonders for me. And through the influence of his blessed Spirit, moving me thereto, it has had this effect, in some measure, throughout the time of my writing it. The Lord grant I may continue so all my days; and then my first great end will be answered. Secondly,
I have always reaped much benefit myself, by reading the lives and experiences of others. Sometimes they have been blessed to convince me of sin—Sometimes, to scatter doubts—And sometimes to raise my affections into a flame. When expressions have been warm, they have put me upon imitating them as well as I could, by breathing out my soul in like manner. And though I fall ever so short of the excellencies with which others have been endowed; yet I know all things are possible with God. He can bless a word from the weakest, meanest, and unworthiest of all creatures, even
me. If a word in these lines ever prove useful to one soul, after my decease, it will be ten thousand times more than I deserve from the hands of a bountiful God: To him alone be all the glory. It is his glory, I trust, through rich grace, at which I sincerely
[Page 57] aim. And if it does not consist with that, to have these lines seen by any, either before or after my decease, I heartily desire, so far as I can possibly fathom that unfathomable deep, my own deceitful heart, and know it, that they may be all buried in oblivion. Surely, I had rather my name, and all belonging to me, should be forgotten among men, than remembered to the dishonor of my God. I am an ignorant short-fighted creature: But God knows what will be for the best. To him I commit it, praying that, in his all wise providence, it may be disposed of as he sees meet.
N. B. Finished writing this, Dec. 18, 1743, in the 30th year of my age.
[Page]
PART II. Containing a
GENERAL ACCOUNT of her
LIFE ▪
THE parents of Mrs. Osborn were never in affluent worldly circumstances; and had little or nothing to give to her when she married: And perhaps did not give her all the assistance which they were able to do, as they were not pleased with her marrying to the person whom she chose. He was young, and used the sea, and had nothing beforehand, and died in the second voyage after he was married, and she was left a poor widow with one young child before she was twenty years old. She continued a widow more than eight years. In which time she did no more than just support herself and son, by her industry, in keeping a small school part of the time; which business she was, at length, obliged to relinquish, by sickness, in which she needed and had the assistance of some of her kind friends. Thus she continued a poor widow, till she married the seccond time, in the twenty ninth year of her age.
Her second husband was in some trade and business when she married him; but soon appeared to owe to his creditors more than he was able to pay. They gave up all they had and their creditors were paid, so that they wer
[...]
[Page 59] all made easy, and gave them a discharge. From that time he did but little or no business, by reason of bodily disorders, and other infirmities. At the same time he had children who were poor, and wanted assistance. In these circumstances, Mrs. Osborn began to keep school again in May, 1744. In which business she continued about thirty years, till her eyesight and bodily strength failed, so that she was obliged to give it up. She was, during this whole time, attended with bodily weakness, pains and infirmities; her constitution being greatly injured by taking mercury in an improper manner and degree, which was prescribed by her physician when afflicted with the distressing disorder, which she mentions in the account she has given of her life, the weakening and painful effects of which attended her to the day of her death. Under these disorders, which were at times very distressing, she persevered in her business, which in her circumstances required a diligence, circumspection and resolution, which have been equalled by few or none, until she lost her sight and strength, to such a degree as obliged her to desist.
For this space of about thirty years she presided in a school, which was most of the time so large that she was obliged to employ assistants. The whole number of children in her school amounted sometimes to seventy or more, some of whom, at times eight or ten, she boarded.
But, having a considerable family of her own to maintain, and other dependents which she thought it her duty to help, and the price for
[Page 60] schooling and boarding being low, she, through this whole time, was not able to lay up any thing; but was reduced to great straits and difficulties; and at the end of the year she frequently found herself in the rear, rather than to have gained any overplus or stock for the next; this kept her in a constant state of peculiar trial, and temptation to worldly solicitude and anxiety, which required an uncommon degree of faith and piety to surmount. And sometimes, under the darkest appearances, her faith would so far fail that she would sink into gloom and dejection, especially in the former part of this time. But she evidently made advances in her faith and cheerful resignation to the divine will, and happy contentment with the allotments of Divine Providence, while her trials and worldly straits, continued as great as ever: So that she appeared, at length, to have got the victory over the world to an uncommon degree, and to have enjoyed a calm, sweet resignation and contentment in her worldly circumstances, which was the source of high religious enjoyment, in the constant and strong exercise of that piety, by which she enjoyed God as her only and eternal portion. This appears from her diary; and was especially manifest to her intimate friends, after she was obliged to give up all business, and was wholly dependent on her friends for support; of which a more particular account may be given, before these memoirs are finished.
Mrs. Osborn began to keep school the second time, as has been observed, in the month of May, 1744, in the thirty first year of her age.
[Page 61] With respect to which some things are noted in her diary, which may be properly transcribed here.
"
Saturday April 28, 1744.—This day I am determined, if the Lord will, to enter again into the calling of keeping school. Will the Lord in mercy bless my endeavors, and prosper the work of my hands, and overrule this for his own glory, by making me instrumental in promoting the good of souls. O Lord, if thou wilt again employ me, and make me faithful, my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness. Oh, preserve me from making dependence on any thing I can do, either for soul or body: But if it may consist with thy will, O bless me in this lawful undertaking. But above all, O Lord, go on to resign me to thy will. Not mine, but thine be done. Lord, I desire to leave it with thee. O undertake for me, and deal graciously with me, for thine own sake, as thou usest to do to those who love thy name. Help me to eye thee in all thy dispensations of providence, and be thankful to thee for every temporal mercy. Dear Lord, order it so that thine own honor may be secured, and thou mayest be glorified in me, and it is enough. Once more, I beg to be resigned, and to take all things well at thy dear hand. Whether thou smile or frown, let me bless and love; for this is my duty, and what thou justly expectest of me. Lord, thou art worthy of infinitely more love and praise than I am capable of giving: But oh, accept my attempts to love and praise, for Jesus' sake alone.
[Page 62] In his name I come to thee for all blessings, spiritual and temporal.
"
Friday morning, May 4.—At this time much straitened in myself to know if it is my duty to pray evening and morning in my school, if the Lord bless me with one. I am afraid of ostentation, afraid of doing any thing to be seen of men. I am afraid of neglecting it, on account of what others will say or think, lest that should be being ashamed of Christ and his ways, in this wicked generation; and yet, I am afraid of bringing religion into contempt. O Lord, direct me to do, in this case, as will most consist with thy glory. For I beseech thee, dear Lord, that thou wilt not suffer me to enter into this calling, except thou wilt be with me, and bless me in it. Oh, make me instrumental of the good of their souls committed to my charge, as well as faithful to their parents in instructing them. And if it be thy will that I pray with them, as well as for them, oh strengthen me and encourage my heart. Lord, pour out on me a spirit of prayer and supplication, that I may ask for things agreeable to thy blessed will. O Lord, I leave this case with thee. I beg thou wilt direct me, and suffer nothing but pure aims at thy glory, and the good of souls, to be the governing principle in me. Lord, I am afraid of the reasonings of my own deceitful heart. It easily imposes upon, and deceives me. But, blessed be thy name, it cannot deceive thee. O, do thou search it and try it, and discover to me more of its vileness, that I may never be a fool, trusting to it. Lord, it is
[Page 63] thine: Oh mould it into thine own likeness, fill it with thy grace, and possess it forever.
"
Thursday May 10.—I desire to record it with thankfulness, that God in his providence gave me an opportunity last evening to advise with my dear aged pastor (Mr. Clap) about praying with my scholars. He rejoiced much in the proposal; and advised me, by all means to proceed, and let nothing discourage me, and fear no scoffs; for it was God's cause, and he who put it into my heart to do it, would take care of his own glory. He likewise reminded me how highly Christ resented it, when his own disciples would have deprived little children of privileges. He advised me to be brief and plain, and often to mention those words in Matth. vi. "Ask, and ye shall receive; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." And those in Prov. "I love them that love me, and those that seek me early shall find me." And to make confession of sin, and plead for pardon for Christ's sake.—Endeavor to follow him in plainness, so that the little ones might understand what I meant, &c.
"As I think I never saw him more joyful, and pleased with me, so I know not when I have come away more comforted: For my scruples all vanished. And now, by assisting grace, I determine to proceed, as God shall enable me. Blessed be God, that I enjoy so great a privilege as my dear pastor, who has thus encouraged my faith, obedience and joy; and helped me in my strait. And now, O my God, I am convinced it is my duty to pray with my dear
[Page 64] children, I fly to thee again for assisting grace. Lord, without that it will be only a piece of formality, and will never prove serviceable to any. I beseech thee, O Lord, pour out on me a spirit of prayer, and fill me with bowels of compassion to poor little ones."
Mrs. Osborn not only prayed daily with the children in her school; but was constant and careful to instruct them in the principles of religion, and in their duty to God and man; and at certain times, and on particular occasions, seriously addressed them on the concerns of their souls, urging their attention to the Bible, to Jesus Christ, and the way of salvation by him; and to give themselves up to him, to fear and serve him, &c. Her discourses with them on these subjects frequently appeared to make impressions on their minds, and greatly to affect them: And most of the many hundreds who were instructed in her school, retained a love and esteem for her in the future part of their life, and numbers of them, how many cannot be now known, have never lost the serious impressions, which they received by her instruction and admonitions; but they have issued in their saving conversion to God. And we may reasonably consider some of them now in heaven with her, as her glory, and joining with her in mutual joy.
She composed and committed to writing a number of particular directions and rules for the children in her school, pointing out the decent and proper manner of their behavior towards her, and each other in school, and when going
[Page 65] away and returning; at home and abroad; when in the house and by the way; and their manner of speech and behavior towards all with whom they had any connection and concern; which rules were to be often read in school. These rules discovered her good judgment and taste, respecting the propriety and decency of conduct of children in all situations, and towards superiors, equals and inferiors, in age and other circumstances. They might be very useful to teachers of schools and to their pupils, were they transcribed; and were they not too lengthy to be inserted here.
A FEW months after Mrs. Osborn began to keep school the second time, her only son, Samuel Wheaten, died, being near twelve years old, who was an apprentice in the country above twenty miles from Newport, and was a promising youth. She has recorded some of her exercises under this trial, part of which will be here inserted.
"
Friday morning, September 22, 1744.—On Thursday afternoon, the sixth day of this month, I had the sorrowful news that my only son was sick unto death. God in his providence provided presently for me—My dear Susa Anthony to keep my house—A horse for my husband and myself to ride, and all other things comfortable. And on my way God gave me such
[Page 66] a sense of his goodness to me in a thousand instances, that instead of sinking under my sorrow, my mind was employed in attention to, and blessing God for my mercies. Sometimes, that he was not snatched from me in a moment, by some awful accident—That he was not at so great a distance, but I might be allowed to go to him, with hopes of finding him yet alive▪ And those precious promises which in the morning had supported me, still continued as a refreshing cordial; even these. "Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will hear thee. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him; and saved him out of all his troubles."
"On Friday morning we got to Rehoboth
[...] where I found my son much swelled with a dropsy, and pined to a mere skeleton with the jaundice, scurvy and consumption, all combining. He rattled in his throat, like a dying person, laboring for every breath. He was given over by the doctors and all friends, who lamented him, and did the best for him in their power, as to the body. But alas! my great concern was for that precious jewel, his immortal soul. I endeavored to improve every opportunity to discourse with him, and read to him such portions of scripture as I thought suitable, with passages out of Mr. Allen's Alarm, &c. And I was enabled to pray all the day, by ejaculatory breathings, and sometimes to plead and wrestle with God on his behalf: Though alas! God was pleased to hide his dealings with him altogether. For I could discern no evidence of a work of grace wrought on his soul▪
[Page 67] for which I did plead from day to day. I did not so much as once, in all his sickness, pray for his life; but for some evidence that his soul might live. And for want of this, I sometimes seemed to be crushed down, having a sense of his doleful case, if not reconciled to God. On Thursday, Sept. 13, the day before he died, I was just ready to give up, and sit down discouraged. My heart even almost died with fear of what would become of him. But just in this juncture, God in his providence ordered it so that I received a letter from my dear S
[...]sa, which was a cordial to my drooping spirits.
"In his dying moments I had an awful sense of his deplorable condition, if his naked soul should launch into a boundless eternity, without a God to go to. I had also a view and sense of his and my utter inability to help ourselves, and utter unworthiness that God should help us. And with the woman of Canaan, I cried out, Truth Lord, I am as unworthy as a dog! But I pleaded for the crumbs that fell, one of which would be sufficient for me and mine. I had a clear discovery of the fulness and sufficiency of Christ to make satisfaction. I pleaded that he would have mercy, as on the theif on the cross, then at the eleventh hour; apply but one drop of his precious blood, and it was enough. Thus I was enabled to fill my mouth with arguments, and in bitter agony of soul I wrestled with God for mercy for him. Surely the pangs I then endured for his foul far exceeded those that brought him into the world. But as soon as the soul had taken its flight, I was eased of my
[Page 68] burden. I immediately cast myself, and my burden too, on God. I adored him as a sovereign God, and blessed his name; for he had given, and it was he who had taken. Surely he was better to me than ten sons.
"I then arose from my dead child, and was quieted, for the will of God was done, and my work was done, as it respected my child. And God was pleased to give such evidence of his love, that my mouth was filled with praises. But when I looked on the young people who stood round lamenting him, I felt bowels of compassion for them, and besought them to take warning, and make their speedy flight to the blessed Jesus, before sickness and death overtook them.
"While friends were putting on his grave clothes, I went out into the field and walked, where, with more secrecy and freedom, I could breathe out my soul to God. And the sweetness of that season I cannot express. God discovered himself to be my God, my covenant God, my Father, my Friend, my only portion and happiness, my sovereign, my all in all, my infinite fountain of all fulness. And these were some of the breathings of my soul after him. "Lord, I adore thee as my all. I rejoice in thee as my only portion. Lord, if I have thee, I have enough. Though all the streams were cut off; yet the fountain remains; I cannot be poor. Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none on earth I desire besides thee. Though my flesh and my heart fail; yet God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Blessed God, though death separate from
[Page 69] all things here below, it cannot separate between thee and me." O, here I rejoiced again, chose my God again, and again renewed the dedication of myself to him, my whole soul and body, with all I have, am, or can do. O, his word comforted, his
rod comforted me. I saw no frown in it: No, but the kind chastisement of my indulgent Father. This portion of scripture was very sweet, "If ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth." Therefore I cried out, "I know, O Lord, thy judgments are right, and in very faithfulness thou hast afflicted me."
"But I must cease.—For such blessed seasons are better felt than expressed. I continued so composed and comfortable, that I feared those who knew not the cause would think me void of natural affection; till my taking my last farewell at his funeral. And then I found the bonds of natural affection very strong; and I wept much. But as I followed to the grave, I pleaded thus with God, "Lord, I adore thee still as my sovereign. I do not repine at thy hand. But, dear Lord, pity me, and suffer me to weep under the smart of thy rod; it is my
only son." Then I thought on Psalm ciii. "As a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him." This comforted me. But as I inquired again, if my tears were not sinful, and the effect of an unresigned will, which I dreaded most of all, I was comforted again by reflecting, that when
[Page 70] Martha and Mary wept for their brother Lazarus, the blessed Jesus was not angry, but wept with them. O, then I again adored a sympathising Savior, a glorious high priest, who was sensibly touched with the feeling of my infirmities. These and such like were the exercises of my mind, while following and laying my dust into the grave. And ever since I have been kept composed and cheerful.
"The Lord in mercy grant that I may more and more glorify him in this affliction. O that my sins may be more mortified. Lord, grant I may come out of this furnace as gold purified and fitted for my master's use. If I have behaved in any measure as becomes a child of God, and any resignation has appeared in me, Lord, it is all owing to the riches of thy glorious and special grace: For hadst not thou by that compelled me to act otherwise, I should have flew in thy face, murmured, fretted and repined at thee; cast away all my other comforts and mercies, and said I had none left, because thou hadst taken
one from me. Lord, these, and more than these, would have been the effects of my perverse nature. Therefore, not unto me, not unto
me; but to thy glorious name be all the glory forever and ever. Amen."
IN the year 1741, a religious, female society was formed under the care of Mrs. Osborn,
[Page 71] they having chosen her to be their head. Of which she makes mention in her account of her own life, which has been transcribed, page 49. This society met for some time twice every week, viz. on Tuesday and Friday evenings. Afterwards they agreed to meet but once a week, on the afternoon of Wednesday or Thursday. Mrs. Osborn was continued and considered the head of this society from that time to her decease, which was above fifty years; and it still subsists, and there are above thirty members of it who are now living. It has consisted of a much greater number of members. About thirty years ago, above sixty persons were members of it. But the war, and other evils which have since that time taken place, have diminished it.
This society have met constantly once every week, during this whole time of above half a century, excepting a few interruptions, by some extraordinary occurrences. They also have observed four whole quarterly days in every year, as days of fasting and prayer, confessing their sins, and seeking God for spiritual blessings on themselves, on the church of Christ, and on all nations. They also have been wont to spend the afternoon of every first Thursday of each month in prayer together; and the afternoon of every Saturday before the monthly administration of the Lord's Supper. They have a box, which stands in the room where they meet, into which money is put by each one, as she is able and inclined. And at the end of the year, or any other time, when they
[Page 72] think proper, the box is by their consent opened, and the money contained in it counted, and generally given for the support of the gospel.
They did agree upon a number of articles and rules, which were committed to writing, to be observed by the society and by each individual, and to be signed by every member, and by every one who should afterwards be admitted. The substance of these is as follows:
At the weekly meeting of the society, when the appointed hour arrives, and a number are convened, the exercise shall begin by reading in some profitable book, till all have come in who are expected. Then a prayer shall be made by one of the members; and after that, a chapter in the Bible shall be read, and religious conversation be attended to, as time shall allow. The meeting to be concluded by another prayer. Four quarterly days in the year, in January, April, July and October, beginning on the first day of every January, to be observed as days of solemn fasting and prayer. We promise not to ridicule or divulge the supposed or apparent infirmities, of any fellow member; but to keep secret all things relating to the society, the discovery of which might tend to do hurt to the society or any individual. We resolve to be charitably watchful over each other, to advise, caution and admonish, where we judge there is occasion, and that i
[...] may be useful. And we promise not to resent; but kindly and thankfully receive such friendly advice or reproof from any one of our members. We will endeavor that our discourse
[Page 73] while together shall be on the serious and important subjects of religion: And when separate, that our speech and behavior shall be such as become christians, that we may be holy in all conversation.
If any member commit any scandalous sin, or walk unruly, and after proper reproof continue manifestly impenitent, she shall be excluded from us, until she give evidence of her repentance. Each one shall pay her proportion to defray the necessary expenses for wood, or any thing else, unless excused by the society.
When any person shall manifest to any one of us a desire to join the society, it shall be mentioned in one of our meetings, that all may have opportunity, who desire it, to satisfy themselves, respecting the character and conversation of the person offering to join. And if at the meeting on the next week, there be no objection to her being admitted, she may apply to the head of the society, who will read our articles to her, and if she is willing, and do sign them, she shall be considered as a member of the society, regularly admitted.
As to any other matters, which we shall hereafter find conducive to the benefit and good regulation of our society, we engage to leave to the discretion and decision of a major part of us, to whose determination we promise quietly to agree and submit.
This society has evidently been of great advantage to many if not all the members of it, to the church and congregation to which most
[Page 74] of the members have belonged, and to the interest of religion in general, especially in Newport, by their prayers, and apparent sincerity and engagedness in religion, and exemplary conduct.
Mrs. Osborn was by unanimous consent the head of this society above fifty years, as has been observed, even from the first institution of it, to the day of her death; and a great part of the time their meetings were attended at her house. And she was distinguished in her usefulness in this station and capacity, by her prayers, her conversation, advice, judgment, prudence and example; by which she was a principal medium of the long and happy existence and union of the society. Her influence apparently reached to every member, and her steady, prudent zeal and activity, and her amiable character, were very much the means of their continuance and edification. The society continued to meet in the room in which she lived, till her bodily infirmities were so increased that she was no longer able to sustain their company, and the exercises of the meeting. They then withdrew into another room in her house, where she was tenderly remembered in their prayers; and she was present in spirit with them, and partook largely with them in their exercises and enjoyments.
MRS. OSBORN was esteemed as an eminently pious, exemplary christian, by all who
[Page 75] knew her. And even the irreligious and profane had a degree of veneration for her, as a remarkably good woman. Few or none have obtained this character more universally than she did, among all sorts of people, who knew her or heard of her: And not many women had a more numerous acquaintance, or more extensive fame. Many educated in her school were afterwards settled in distant parts, and spake in favor of her character and school to their friends and acquaintance. And as she had a great respect for the ministers of the gospel, she corresponded with some of them; and many others visited her, agreeable to her inclination and desire, when they came to Newport, as did many other religious persons. By this, as well as what has been before mentioned, her name and character was spread abroad, as few or none who visited her, went away unimpressed in her favor, as amiable in her conversation and behavior, and eminently pious and benevolent. In conversation she appeared remarkably mild, pleasant and cheerful, and discovered a modest, meek, humble, tender and benevolent mind, impressed with the serious, important and pleasing truths and duties of Christianity. The law of kindness was in her tongue to an uncommon degree. She had a strong, habitual aversion to any thing like aspersing the character of others, being careful to speak evil of none; and when occasion offered, was disposed to say all that could be said with truth in favor of the worst. She was often greatly grieved and rendered very uncomfortable, in
[Page 76] companies where slander and detraction took place, and would endeavor, when there was opportunity, to divert the conversation from topics so disagreeable to her. This part of her character, of which the above is an imperfect sketch, rendered her agreeable, and recommended her to the esteem and affection of all religious persons who were acquainted with her, or heard a true report of her. And this procured to her the general approbation of all, of every denomination and character, as an eminently good woman.
IN the years 1766, 1767, there was an uncommon attention to religion, which turned the thoughts of many to Mrs. Osborn. They repaired to her as a known pious, benevolent christian, to whom they could have easy access, that they might enjoy her counsel and prayers. This was the occasion of numbers resorting to her house. When she saw this, and that the number increased, she was at a great loss what to do. She trembled with fear that if she encouraged their meeting at her house, it would be going beyond her sphere, offend some of her christian friends, and give occasion to some not friendly to religion, to speak evil of her and of religion, and so do much more hurt than good. On the other hand, she was afraid to discourage them, and refuse to let them come to her and meet at her house, when under apparent concern about their souls, lest, by this, their attention
[Page 77] and concern should abate and cease. She advised with her christian friends, and some ministers; and upon their advising her to encourage them and attend to them, she granted them liberty to come, and appointed particular times for their coming. The poor Blacks appeared more generally concerned and engaged, than others. They agreed to meet at Mrs. Osborn's on the evening of the Sabbath. She admitted them, on condition that they should behave orderly in coming and retiring, and always break up seasonably, and that those who were not free should not come without the consent of their masters, and that they should not make any acknowledgment to her by attempting any compensation by presents, or any other way; declaring that she would not receive any thing of this kind from them. On these conditions they convened in great numbers, commonly to the amount of sixty or eighty, and some times more. Mrs. Osborn, finding their attention was so much to her, was greatly cautious, fearing to go beyond her line, as a woman, in endeavoring to promote their instruction and religious impressions for the good of their souls. She used to select passages of scripture, which she thought would be most useful to them, and from other religious books, and read them to them: And when she had opportunity, she would invite some christian man to pray with them. She took opportunity to converse with individuals, and some times would give a word of advice to them all.
[Page 78] And where she could, she obtained some minister to preach to them, and converse with them; the pastor of the church, to which she belonged, not being able to attend.
These meetings continued a year or more, and were the means of the apparent reformation of many, and of the hopeful conversion of a number.
*
[Page 79]This particular respecting the Blacks will be concluded by inserting here some of her exercises on this occasion, found in her diary.
"
Lord's Day evening, Nov. 23, 1766.—About eighty six below, and fourteen above; an hundred, in all, here this night: The Lord command a blessing for Christ's sake. O for divine influence! O thou dove of heaven, descend. I am waiting for influence from heaven. Lord, except thou dost take the work into thine own hand, all will come to nothing; the poor impotents will either grow weary of the means, and turn away from them: Or, if they still lie by
[Page 80] the pool, they will grow worse and worse. None can help them in; nor can any one, of himself, obtain healing. O, dear Redeemer, come and make them whole, for thine own honor and glory's sake; not for mine. If they should all turn back and I should be reproached, What is my name, to thy glory, and their salvation? I would have no self in pleading that thou wilt crown my poor labors with success; but a single eye to thy glory. O that thou wilt order every step I take, and guide me by thine eye, and employ me just as thou wilt, only glorify thyself, and still serve thyself of me. Here am I, Lord. Use me as thou wilt; only preserve thine own honor, and it is enough."
"
Monday morning, January 26, 1767.—It snowed yesterday, and I was not well; yet in the evening I was more strong and lively; and I trust God did help me to converse to the edification of the poor, dear souls. O Lord, seal instruction. Own thy worthless nothing, and the glory shall be, it
will be, thine forever. The house was full, no weather stops them. The Lord bless them! Lord, teach me what thou wilt have me to do. Let me be influenced by divine teaching alone, and not by Satan, or indwelling corruption. I want none of their influence or teaching. Make me quick to discern what is from thee, and what is not. And O God, I pray thee, make the path of duty straight and plain in this matter: And either spirit me to the work, and enable me to do it judiciously, in such a manner as will stand the
[...] or else to lay it aside, and do nothing at
[...]
[Page 81] Lord, may I approve myself to thee in all I do in this matter, and have a conscience void of offence towards God, and towards man. I commit this cause to thee. I would be influenced by thy word. I have chosen it as my rule to walk by."
Not only Blacks; but numbers of other people met at Mrs. Osborn's in this time. A number of young men used to meet on the same evening with the blacks in a different apartment; for prayer, reading and religious conversation. And on Monday evening a number of young women from nine to twenty years old, often above forty or fifty, met together at her house, to enjoy her prayers and instructions. Mrs. Osborn at first was in doubt about the propriety and expe
[...]iency of praying with them. But after maturely considering the matter, and seeking direction, she concluded it was her duty, and accordingly practised it, and read to them, and gave them that instruction and advice, which she thought proper and important. And they appeared so attentive, and at times some of them were so impressed and affected, that she was encouraged to proceed. On Tuesday evening a large number of boys met in her room for a considerable time to receive her instruction and blessing. Wednesday evening was devoted to the stated weekly meeting of the society of women. On Thursday or Saturday, or both, she catechized the children of her school, when a number of children who
[...]id not belong to her school often attended to
[...]eceive instruction from her and hear her
[Page 82] prayers. On Friday evening a number of heads of families used to meet at her house for prayer and religious conversation; so that every week some hundreds of persons met at her house for religious purposes. This gave constant employ to Mrs. Osborn, and called up her attention, and strong and constant exercises of mind, while she at the same time presided in a large school of children. Some of her exercises respecting her house being thus crowded with people for religious purposes, were as follows, taken from her diary:
"
Tuesday morning, January 27, 1767.—O my Lord and my God, appear for my help now, as thou hast appeared for my help heretofore. Fain would I raise a tribute of humble praise and thanksgiving for thy condescension and grace to me in the year past; for the Lord himself has vouchsafed to be my protection from errors and confusions, amidst the throng he has gathered round me. To thee be all the glory forever. In July last the number had amounted to three hundred souls. And now the Lord has increased it to five hundred and twenty five, who have statedly resorted here. And yet no evil has followed, though my fears have often been alarmed, with respect to Lord's day evenings; yet all is quiet, and every company more seriously composed and settled in steadily pursuing after knowledge. Blessed be God, who indulges me with frequent tidings of Blacks and little ones being more concerned, and getting alone to pray. O
[...] the Lord, in his infinite wisdom, will carry
[...]
[Page 83] his own glorious work, in his own gradual way which he has chosen; and confound all the wisdom of the wise. We have been lotting upon great and extraordinary impressions upon souls here, and by great and extraordinary means; but God will take his own way, and use what clay and spittle he pleases to open blind eyes, and cause the walls to fall, by what rams' horns he pleases. Amen. Let the most despicable worm upon earth be employed for God, that the glory may evidently be his own."
"
Tuesday, June 2, 1767.—Blessed be God, who gave me opportunity to converse with forty two young girls last evening. The Lord seal what was said and read for instruction; and hear my poor cries for converting grace. O have mercy on these souls! Lord, secure them for thine own: O take the prey from the mighty. Snatch them as brands out of the burning, I pray thee. Thanks be to God for the solemnity, assistance and refreshments of the last evening. O help me still to hope in thy mercy, under all discouragements, thou faithful, merciful God."
From the year 1770, to the time of the British taking possession of Newport, the church, both male and female, used to hold their monthly meetings at her house; as this was peculiarly agreeable to her, and she lived in a convenient room. And there was a weekly meeting at her house of a number of professors for prayer; which continued most of the time
[...]ing the war. Thus her house was indeed,
[...]in an eminent sense,
A house of prayer.
[Page]
PART IV. The Conclusion of her Life.
THE bodily infirmities of Mrs. Osborn increased so much; and her eyesight failed to such a degree for above twenty years of the last part of her life, and her whole bodily frame was so weakened and worn out, that she was obliged to give up her school, and was not able to do any thing to support herself. And as she had nothing laid up to live upon, she was wholly dependent on Divine Providence and her friends for daily supplies, during the whole of this time; and was, the greatest part of it, confined to her room. This was in many respects the happiest part of her life. She was free from worldly anxiety and care. She enjoyed a calmness and serenity of mind, the attendant of resignation to God, and humble trust and confidence in him, contented with the allotments of Divine Providence, seeing the hand of God in every thing which took place—constantly thankful to him for the mercies she was daily and every hour receiving—full of gratitude to those whom God inclined to show kindness to her—spending the chief of her time and strength in devotion, in contemplating the divine perfections manifested in his works of
[Page 353] creation and providence, and in his word—adoring and praising the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, praying to him for the church and the world; for her acquaintance, relations, friends, benefactors, and for herself; with constant, humble confession of unworthiness, aggravated sins, and depravity of heart, making the daily occurrences respecting herself, and others, the matter of prayer and praise.
She enjoyed an almost uninterrupted assurance of her interest in the divine favor through Jesus Christ, and longed to be perfectly holy. The thought of dying was pleasing to her: And when any particular disorder, or pain of body, came upon her, which seemed to indicate a speedy dissolution, it would commonly give a spring to her mind and excite pleasure and joy. Thus she appeared in this last part of her life in a measure to enjoy the happy consequence and reward, of the sore trials, labors and conflicts, through which she had passed in former years. Something of which the reader has seen in that part of her diary which has been transcribed.
Mrs. Osborn often said to her friends in this time, that she considered her situation and circumstances in life, to be the best for her; and that she knew of none, with whom she could wish to exchange outward circumstances, were it left to her option. She expressed a particular satisfaction in living sensibly dependent on the providence of God, for daily supplies for the body, living with God by the day, as she used to express it, having no store of her own, and not able to do any thing to supply her returning
[Page 354] wants, and not knowing how and by whom they would be supplied, till it was sent in to her, commonly in ways, and by persons not thought of by her. This was suited to excite a constant sense of her dependence on God for daily and hourly supplies, and the exercise of trust in him, and constant application to him, and acknowledgement and admiration of his goodness in supplying her wants, in a way and at times suited to discover his hand and particular care of her; and to excite her gratitude to her friends, and prayers for them, who sent or brought to her the things she wanted.
In this manner she lived more than twenty years, and often declared to her friends that her daily wants were fully supplied, and that she was never destitute of the necessaries of life, and commonly had a fulness, and often abounded. Her wants were not great. She stood in need of daily food, washing, candle light, fire wood, and some clothing, and money to pay the rent of her house, which was five dollars every three months. All these wants were constantly supplied, while no particular person was engaged to do it; so that she had none to depend upon but God. While the British had possession of Rhodeisland in the time of the war, which was near three years, the inhabitants of Newport were driven to great straights, by the scarcity of provision, fuel, &c. and many suffered to a great degree. Mrs. Osborn lived in a great degree of quiet, and had a constant supply of the necessaries of life; and received no abuse from the British officers or soldiers, as
[Page 355] most others did. Though a number of soldiers were quartered near the house in which she lived, none were obtruded on her, as they were on others. And as to those who were quartered near her; it was remarked by her and others, that they made less disturbance and noise, than they did elsewhere; and were particularly careful not to do any thing on the Sabbath to disturb that
good woman, as they called her. And they took care to avoid all profa
[...]e words when near her. Which she used to mention afterwards to her friends, as a remarkable instance of the tender care and protection of heaven.
In the year 1778, while the British soldiers had possession of Newport, Mr. Osborn, her husband, died; and a grand daughter of his, with her husband, who lived in her house, on whom she had some dependence for protection and assistance, moved into the country, by which she appeared more destitute and exposed, than before, being left
alone.
In this time of particular danger and trial, Mrs. MASON, a person who gave good evidence that she was a real friend to Christ, and to his followers, manifested peculiar friendship and generosity towards her, by her constant attention to her, and supplying many of her wants; and continued her special kindness in ministering to her as long as she (Mrs. Mason) lived, which she did till March, 1792. Mrs. Orsborn often said, that Mrs. Mason never failed her in one instance, as a peculiar friend and constant benefactor, to the day of her
[Page 356] death. We have no reason to doubt that they, both the giver and the receiver, are peculiarly happy together now; and that the former is rewarded a thousand fold for all her kindness to the latter, as a dear disciple of Jesus Christ. Others have distinguished themselves in their kindness to Mrs. Osborn in ministering to her, whom it is improper to mention, as they are yet alive. We have the pleasure of being assured that they, and all who have ministered to her,
because she belonged to Christ, will have an ample reward at the resurrection of the just.
There was something peculiar and extraordinary in her being able punctually to pay the rent of her house in this time, which is worthy of particular mention. She depended wholly upon the unsolicited benefactions of her friends for this, as she did for her daily support. And no one was engaged to assist her in doing this, or to take any care about it. She had therefore no particular person to look to for it, or to make up any deficiency by which she should be unable to pay what was due at the end of each quarter. It was therefore a very precarious matter, to human appearance, whether, when she had paid the rent of one quarter, she should ever be able to pay another. She could not conjecture from whence it would come, as she had no
[...]e to look to for it, but that God, whose is the world, and the fulness thereof. Her intimate friends were sometimes concerned for her, when her quarter was near at an end, and she had received but part of the five dollars which would be soon due, and there was a
[Page 357] great scarc
[...]ty of money, and all appearances that she would not be able to pay. When this was suggested to her, she would reply nearly in the following words. "I desire to be thankful to God, I do not feel in the least anxious about it. I do not doubt of my having the whole of the money at the time in which it will be due, or near it. God has given me a constant and earnest desire to do justice, and pay when any thing is due. This is a just debt, and God has been pleased hitherto to gratify me by enabling me to pay, when it is due; and I believe he will still continue to do it. Perhaps I shall not live to the end of the quarter. I shall then leave enough to pay this debt. I desire to leave it with God." She generally had the money in her hand by the time it was due, and never failed being able to pay with punctuality. She frequently did not receive much, if any part of the money, till just before the quarter was ended, and knew not from whom, or from whence it would come; yet before the time to pay came, as much as was necessary to answer her end at that time, would be brought or sent to her, by persons who knew nothing of her present strait. And it was often sent by persons who lived at a distance, which would come to her just at the time in which it was wanted. She had money sent her from Quebec, from the West Indies, and from various parts of the United States.
This is related as a remarkable instance of humble trust in God, and resignation and acquiescence in his will; and of the tender care
[Page 358] and faithfulness of God, and loving kindness towards one devoted to his service, and trusting in his promises: And that it may serve as an example and encouragement to all, to "trust in the Lord, at all times, and pour out their hearts before him."
Mrs. Orsborn was, in the last twenty years of her life, stripped, by degrees, and deprived of many privileges and enjoyments, which to her had been very great and precious. She had esteemed public worship, attending on the preaching of the gospel and public institutions, as far more desirable and important than all worldly good, in attending on which she had great enjoyment. But her bodily infirmities were so great and increasing, that for near twenty years she was unable to attend public worship. Her eyes failed her to such a degree, that she was obliged to lay by her pen, not being able to write any thing considerable, which she had done before this with great pleasure and profit to herself, having written more than fifty volumes, the least containing near 100 pages, the bigger part above 200, and a number 300, and more, besides letters to her friends, and other occasional writing. The failing of her sight also deprived her of the pleasure and profit of
reading; especially of reading the Bible, which she had before daily perused with great pleasure and advantage. She had the Bible, indeed, read to her daily; which she considered as an unspeakable favor. But this did not equal the privilege of being able to have access to it, at all times, and on every
[Page 359] particular occasion. But she paid such attention to the Bible, read it so much, and so treasured it up in her memory, while she could read, that she found great pleasure and benefit in being able to recollect so much of it, when she was not able to read; which she frequently mentioned to her friends, as matter of thankfulness.
The religious meetings in the room where she lived, which have been mentioned, of the church, of the female society, and occasional meetings for prayer of a number of professors of religion, which she considered as a great privilege, were continued as long as she was able to bear them, partly for her sake. But at length her infirmities were so great that she was obliged to relinquish this enjoyment. And she became so weak that she could not bear lengthy visits of her friends, in which she used to take a peculiar pleasure. Her most intimate friends could only have short interviews with her at different times. But while she found herself thus deprived of these privileges and her precious enjoyments, one after another, she remained calm and resigned in a sense of her unworthiness of them, and desert of infinitely greater evils; and constantly expressed her thankfulness for the privileges and favors she yet enjoyed; particularly that God had not taken himself from her; but indulged her with such a degree of free access to him, and such enjoyment of him in views of his glorious perfections and works, especially his love and grace in the glorious work of redemption,
[Page 360] which more than made up for all that was taken from her. She enjoyed the almost uninterrupted light of God's countenance, and spent most of her time and strength in devotion, in prayer and praise, in which she had unspeakable delight, and a rich foretaste of heaven. She used to say, she had learned to consider and hold her nearest friends, as well as all worldly enjoyments, as a cloak or loose garment, which she was ready to have taken off and laid aside, whenever there was occasion for it.
Some years before her death, she said to her friends, she thought the time was now come for them, and all who knew her, to be quite willing that she should leave the world; for she was become useless in all respects, and was only a charge and burden to those by whom her bodily wants were supplied. She was told, that all her friends desired that her life might be yet continued, if consistent with the divine will, as she was far from being useless, as we had her prayers for her friends; for the church and congregation to which she belonged; for all the people and churches of Christ, and his interest and kingdom in the world, &c. And when her acquaintance, and, particularly, the congregation of which she was a member, thought of her, as being alive in her room, which probably most of them often did, it was attended with an idea and feeling, which tended to their good, and which they could not have, if she were not in the world. And as to those who ministered to her support and comfort, they enjoyed a privilege and satisfaction
[Page 361] in it, instead of its being an undesirable burden, which they could not have, if she were not here in just such circumstances. And they who did this to her, because she belonged to Christ, had opportunity hereby to exercise christian charity, and express their love to Christ, for all which they would be abundantly rewarded in his eternal kingdom. Her reply was to this purpose. "If this be so, and I can be in any respect and degree useful in my situation and circumstances, I am willing to continue in the body; but to depart and be with Christ is far better. I desire to leave it all with God, and am willing to live or die, just as he pleases."
Some months before her decease her disorders of body appeared to increase; her strength failed her more and more, and she became dropsical, and was at times in great distress for want of breath. She considered herself as now soon
going home, as she expressed it, and wished for patience to wait till the appointed time of her departure should come, and to bear whatever bodily distress God was pleased to lay upon her. She desired her friends to pray for her, that she might have faith and patience to the end of life, and, in no respect, conduct so as to be a disgrace to the religion which she professed, and put her christian friends to shame on her account: But that she might glorify God, and speak, and conduct worthy of her high and holy calling, to her last breath.
In a sketch of Mrs. Osborn's character, inserted in the Theological Magazine, No. 1.
[Page 362] Vol. II, is the following paragraph, written by one who visited her often in her last sickness.
"As she drew near the close of life, she was a proof of the strength and hope of the righteous; was an instance of the mysterious example of flourishing virtue, with the decays of nature: Of satisfaction in the prospect of future good, when from the world she could derive no pleasure. My physician," she said, "has seriously intimated, that I cannot live
[...]ng; but I am not alarmed. Unless my heart deceive me, and
the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; but unless mine
greatly deceive me, I have no reason to be apprehensive for the future state. It appears to be the will of God that I should go hence. I ought to submit to his will, and I do, with cheerfulness. May his will be done." In another season, she said, "The trials of my situation are great; to be in want of breath, is very distressing; pray for me, that I may have patience and resignation: I desire them above all things. O pray for me that, in these last hours of my life, I may not cause you all to blush that I have professed christianity." It being remarked, that God was faithful, and would never forsake those who had loved and served him. "Yes," she replied, "I know, by experience, that he is a faithful covenant keeping God, and he will never leave those who love and serve him; though without his grace I should immediately sink, and my mind be filled with darkness and repining." In this temper of humility and reliance on God, she
[Page 363] continued, and gave no sign of impatience, more than saying, a day or two before her death, when she heard the bell toll, that somebody had got the start of her."
She continued to sink by degrees, till after a distressing turn, she appeared more comfortable, and they who attended her, helped her to lie down, at her desire, hoping she might get some rest and sleep. They left her for a few minutes, and when they returned, they found her breath was gone, and she a lifeless corpse! Thus she left the world, and passed that death which
[...] had so often and so long desired, calm and serene, without the least perceivable struggle or groan, and, we doubt not, entered into that rest to which the righteous go, on the 2d day of August, 1796, in the 83d year of her age. Her funeral was attended on the 4th day of August, by an uncommon concourse of people. The corpse was carried into the meeting house, and a funeral sermon was preached, from Ephesians iv.1.
I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you, that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called.
THESE Memoirs will be concluded by mentioning a number of particulars of her christian character, in which Mrs. Orsborn was eminent, and worthy of imitation, which have been in some measure brought into view in the foregoing narrative, and the extracts from her diary; and appear in a more clear and striking
[Page 364] light to those who have perused the whole of her writings, or had a particular and intimate acquaintance with her.
She was sensibly and strongly devoted to the glory of God, and conscientiously sought to honor him in all her ways. She was tenderly concerned, and careful to do and say nothing which had the least perceivable tendency to
[...]onor him, and constantly watched against every thing of that kind. She desired nothing for herself or others, and that nothing might take place, but what was consistent with the highest display of the divine glory; and it was matter of constant joy to her, that God was able and would secure his own honor, and make the brightest manifestation of his own glorious perfections; and would suffer nothing to take place but that which should be for his glory; and therefore would cause even those things and events, which, in themselves appeared to have a tendency to the contrary, to be the occasion of a more clear discovery of his most amiable and glorious character. She had an affecting and strong abhorrence of every thing which she saw in herself, even all moral depravity; and which appeared in others, as having a tendency to dishonor God. This was a constant source of grief and trouble to her. By this she manifested a high degree of disinterested, benevolent love to God, and was more conformed than most professing christians appear to be, to that apostolic injunction, "Whether therefore ye eat or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."
[Page 365]Her love to God, and benevolence to mankind led her greatly to desire the prosperity and advancement of the interest and kingdom of Christ in the world, and the salvation of men. For this she prayed, and rejoiced when she found others engaged and united in this, and when there was any appearance of the revival of religion, and of the conversion of sinners, or heard of any thing of this kind in distant places. She earnestly sought the salvation and temporal good of all whom she knew, and with whom she had any connection; and their circumstances, and the events respecting them, whether prosperous or adverse, affected her, which constantly afforded her matter of prayer and praise, while she endeavored to conduct towards all, and treat them so in all respects as to recommend religion to them, and persuade them to embrace and practise it.
She practised secret devotions at stated times, unless prevented by some unavoidable interruption; in which she spent considerable time every day, in reading the Bible, serious meditation and prayer, in which she had, especially at times, great enlargement and delight. And when she had no sensible access to God, she could have but little comfort and enjoyment in any thing. Her mind was frequently and almost constantly exercised in devotion by pious ejaculations, when in company, or attending to her daily business.
She was a great friend to family religion, to have some portion of the Bible read, and prayer attended in the family, in the morning
[Page 366] and evening; and took care to have all her family present, and that they should behave with decency. And when no man was present, she thought it her duty to pray with her family herself.
She had a great veneration and love for the christian Sabbath, and public worship. This was a high day with her; and she commonly had great enjoyment in attending public prayers, singing, and hearing the word preached; and especially in attending the Lord's Supper; for which she was careful and solemn in preparations, and self examination. She used to recollect the particular heads of the public discourses for her own improvement in her retirement, and often committed them to writing, with her reflections on them. She was careful to prepare for the Sabbath, by ordering her family affairs so as not to be led by them to intrude upon the Sabbath, or be any disturbance to her devotions. And after she was confined, and could not attend public worship, she took special care not to attend to any thing on the day before the Sabbath, which might in any respect unfit her for the private duties of the Sabbath, wishing to reserve all her strength of body and mind for the exercises of that high day. And though she could not enjoy bodily attendance on public worship; yet in her spirit she was present with the worshipping assemblies of christians; especially with that to which she had a more particular relation, so as to have a peculiar enjoyment in her attending to them, and joining with them in her mental exercises.
[Page 367] In this respect she received great benefit by public worship, and doubtless had more benefit and enjoyment from it, than many, if not the most, received, who were allowed to attend constantly. She was so inquisitive to know what were the subjects of the public discourses, that she would be informed what they were to be, before they were delivered, or soon after, and she would attend to them, and so feast upon the truths contained in them, that her entertainment and profit by them appeared far to exceed that which most who heard them in public obtained.
The following extract of a letter which she wrote to a friend, is inserted here, as an illustration of the above. Speaking of her being deprived of the enjoyment of public worship, by bodily infirmity, she said, "My Lord's days' enjoyments, since my confinement, have been better felt than expressed. Perhaps my exercises never were higher, when worshipping in God's own house, nor even at the Redeemer's table: Never felt a dearer union with the people of God; that oneness which cannot be expressed. Nor had stronger desires excited by the Spirit of God for Zion's prosperity; and the destruction of sin and Satan, and advancement of Christ's cause and kingdom: Nor stronger desires to help my dear minister while he was engaged in the Lord's work; to be permitted to hold up his hands, that Amalek may not prevail, but the work of the Lord prosper in his hands. The sweet delight I have in realizing that the dear sheep and lambs of Christ's fold
[Page 368] are feeding on the gospel dainties, is not easily described. I am indeed a partaker with them, though absent in body. And God so blesseth something repeated to me from the sermons, that I retain and feed more on the precious truths all the week, than I have been able to retain, when I have heard the whole. Thus, because akin to the glorious Jesus, I dwell in Goshen, though not in the King's court, or at his table. And dare I be restless and complain, because I cannot go out? No, no! The will of the Lord be done. I stand amazed at his gentle dealings with such a monster of iniquity!"
She was not talkative; yet affable and pleasant in conversation, and when in company with her friends and acquaintance, she had an aversion to vain, trifling conversation. And if at any time it took place, she would generally attempt to divert it to something serious and profitable. If in any instance she neglected this, and in any degree joined with them, and spoke any thing which on reflection she thought to be too light and unprofitable, she would with sorrow condemn and humble herself before God. Her chief enjoyment in company was with her christian friends; and when she was with them and little or no religious conversation took place, it would be matter of grief, shame and lamentation to her. Few have their tongues so much under a bridle, as she had; yet she often lamented that it was not more so.
She had a deep, abiding, and increasing conviction and sense of the evil of sin, as being enmity against God, and all that is truly good;
[Page 369] and of the exceeding depravity and wickedness of her own heart, and felt herself wholly undone and lost, if left to herself; that she deserved to be cast off and made miserable forever, and that God would be most just in casting her into endless destruction; that she depended wholly for salvation on the sovereign mercy of Him, who has mercy on whom he will have mercy; that a heart to embrace the gospel, and every degree of right exercise of heart was the gift of God, of which she was infinitely unworthy; and that she depended on the same sovereign grace for the continuance in the exercise of grace;
[...]o be kept from falling, and to be made perfect in holiness. She therefore trusted in Christ alone as her redeemer and sanctifier. He was infinitely honorable, excellent and precious in her sight, on whose atonement, merit, righteousness, wisdom and power she relied, as every way sufficient for her pardon and complete salvation. This is abundantly expressed in her diary. She felt the power of these truths to form her to a willing obedience to Christ, and earnestly to desire perfect conformity to the holy law of God, and his moral image and character, knowing that she could not be completely happy till she awaked in the likeness of Christ.
She highly esteemed those who appeared the true ministers of the gospel, for their work's sake, and was liberal in her contributions for the support of public worship and the preaching of the gospel, knowing it was ordained by Christ, that they who preach the gospel, should live of the gospel. It is known that in this
[Page 370] matter she was willing to her power, and even beyond it; and that she often gave more to this end, than many wealthy persons of the same congregation. And she used her influence to excite others
[...]o contribute. And when she was wholly dependent on her friends for a support, and unable to attend public worship, if she had more given to her than she wanted for her present supply and comfort, she would give a part of it for the support of the gospel; and would say, she presumed her friends who kindly ministered for the supply of her wants would be willing that she should have the satisfaction of contributing her two mites for the support of the gospel ministry, when she had any thing to spare.
Mrs. Osborn had an uncommon concern to do justice to all with whom she had any dealings, in all respects, both in the sight of men, and before God. In this she was conscientious, and constantly exercised herself with great care and circumspection to have a conscience void of offence towards men, always keeping what she called the golden rule in her view, desiring to do to others, as she would they should do to her. This appears in a clear and striking light in her diary.
And she not only did justice, but loved mercy. She gladly embraced every opportunity to relieve the wants and distresses of others, when in her power, and would often run ventures, and strip herself of what she really wanted, to relieve others who appeared to her to be in greater want. When she was dependent on
[Page 371] others for support, and she had any thing in her hand which she could spare, she took delight in relieving the poor in distress, knowing that her benefactors were willing she should enjoy this pleasure, which was much greater to her, than to use it for herself. In this way she was always laying up a treasure in heaven, and became rich towards God.
Mrs. Osborn was a kind and
faithful friend. She was a true friend to all, even to those who acted an unfriendly part to her, and injured her. But her heart was united in a peculiar manner and degree to those who appeared to be friends to Christ. These were her chosen associates and companions, in whom she had great delight. And all her christian friends might place the greatest confidence in her, and use the utmost freedom without giving offence; and trust any secret with her, with the greatest safety, without the least fear of being betrayed, or that it would be communicated to any one. She had a number of intimate friends, with whom she conversed with great openness, freedom and pleasure, finding, on acquaintance, that she could safely rely on their candor, friendship, prudence and fidelity. Among these Miss Susa Anthony, whose life has lately been published, was the first, and her greatest intimate, whom she highly esteemed and loved, as an eminent christian, of uncommon discerning and judgment; and whom she found to be a most faithful, prudent friend, at all times. There was a distinguished and eminently christian and happy friendship enjoyed and cultivated
[Page 372] between them, for about fifty years, without any interruption, and to their great mutual comfort and helpfulness.—They were truly, and in a distinguished degree, of one heart and one soul, and during the whole time loved each other with a pure heart, fervently. It is not known or believed that there is to be found, or has been in this century such a union and happy christian friendship between two such eminent christians, for so long a time, as took place in this instance. What fervent prayers and praises did they pour out before God for each other, when separate! What hearty and sweet counsel did they take together, giving mutual advice and assistance, under their various trials, burdens, difficulties and doubts, while they opened their hearts and feelings, in full confidence in each other! With what fervor, freedom and pleasure, did they two join in devotion, by pouring out their hearts before God, when they had opportunities! With what high delight and rapture have they met among the spirits of the just made perfect, where, free from all sin and sorrow, their long continued friendship in this world, is made perfect with an assurance that it will increase in happiness and last forever, in the favor and presence of Him, whom they love with all their hearts, and is their everlasting portion! Here we are lost, and must wait till the curtain of mortality be dropped, to have a perfect knowledge and enjoyment of that felicity and glory of which we have now ideas so dark and very imperfect. Blessed are they
[Page 373] who are not slothful, but followers of them, who, through faith and patience, now inherit the promises!
AFTER Mrs. Osborn had laid by her pen for a number of years, through the defect of her eye sight, and debility of body and mind, her thoughts unaccountably turned upon meditating on divine subjects, in verse or rhyme. This increased upon her, so that she made verses on a number of subjects; and her memory retained them, while they were not written, so that she could rehearse them distinctly, when she pleased; which she did to some of her intimate friends. They were pleased with them, not for their elegance and poetry; for to this she made no pretension; but for the sentiments, as expressed by
her, and flowing from her heart, without any speculative study: And some of them were written from her mouth.
Her mind became more and more engaged in this way, which she found to be entertaining and profitable to herself. At length she thought of attempting to resume her pen, and write her verses on several subjects, though she knew she was not a poet, and had never before attempted any thing of the kind. She found herself able to write, beyond any thing she, or her friends, had ever expected, and wrote so much on a number of subjects, many of which she had before
[Page 374] composed in her mind, and retained in her memory, that, if collected together, they would make a considerable volume.
As this was, in several respects, an extraordinary event, and these writings express the devout exercises of her heart, in a manner different from her diary, the following is here inserted as a specimen of the whole.
The Employment and Society of Heaven.
WHAT goodness this, which God extends
To us, who once were not his friends!
Compassion had on whom he would,
Though we did evil as we could.
Infinite love! 'Tis all divine;
God's wisdom form'd the vast design;
His pow'r has kept and brought us in,
Through all the assaults of hell and sin.
And now we shall forever gaze
On God, and his perfections praise;
We shall be like him more and more;
Th' Incomprehensible adore.
No hateful sin, or weariness,
Shall cause us any more distress.
To do God's will with Seraph's joy,
Shall ever be our sweet employ.
[Page 375]
Ye dear companions here at rest,
With love sincere in every breast,
We now will cordially embrace,
Without a blush in any face.
No more misunderstandings here;
No misconstruction now we fear;
No censures hard, those bitter roots,
Which cast out love and blast its fruits.
No envy now, or selfishness,
Will e'er again our souls possess;
Benevolence shall sweetly flow:
We felt too little when below.
No prejudice shall make us stand
Aloof, as in that foreign land;
Because when there we could not see,
We in essentials did agree.
We surely did, since we are here,
Where none but friends to Christ appear;
And now our God hath brought us home,
We ever will rejoice as one.
O here's no trace of discontent;
Not one who murmurs in his tent:
Nor are there any fiery darts,
Ever to break or vex our hearts.
O precious blood, that once was spilt,
To cleanse our souls from all their guilt;
By which we are indeed made free,
Our souls from sin at liberty.
[Page 376]
O this gives joy its fullest tide,
That out Redeemer's glorify'd;
With satisfaction views the whole,
The fruitful travail of his soul.
Ye who are now before our eyes,
Who were on earth our enemies,
We bless the Lord that you 're forgiv'n,
And are arrived safe in heav'n.
For this we gave the Lord no rest,
And he has answer'd our request;
For which we magnify his grace,
And join with you to sing his praise.
Ye worthy friends, who did relieve
Our pinching wants, ye now receive
The great reward Christ promis'd you;
Ten thousand thanks to God most true.
Now grateful love our souls doth cheer,
That we enjoy your presence here:
You did it for King Jesus' sake,
And of his joy you do partake.
Ye sweet acquaintance, christian friends,
Partakers of our joys and pains,
How oft by you did God afford
Relief to us from his own word!
Your tender sympathy and love
Did oft to us as cordials prove;
By sweet reproofs, and fervent prayer,
Ye kindly did our burthens bear.
[Page 377]
In sore temptations, sharp and long,
You faithful held the Lord, and strong:
The great atonement all complete,
The promises most sure and sweet.
Ten thousand welcomes to this state,
Each other we congratulate,
And now our work shall all be praise
Through an eternity of days.
Though bonds of nature now do cease,
Our happiness it does increase,
To see our godly parents here,
And relatives to Christ most dear.
Can we review God's providence,
And yet retain no grateful sense
Of all your love and tender care,
Us for this heaven to prepare?
Do we not know you? Yes, we do,
No ign'rance hides you from our view:
The leaks in mem'ry are all stopp'd
Since we our imperfections dropp'd.
What multitudes are there which rise
To fill our souls with sweet surprise?
It is the charming infant race,
Brought here thro' rich and sovereign grace.
These little ones were born again,
And did believe in Christ, 'tis plain:
God's Spirit wrought the work; but how
On earth we could not fully know.
[Page 378]
Glory to God, that now we see
Nothing's too hard for Deity:
These were the lambs, whom Christ caress'd,
Took in his holy arms and bless'd.
Thanks be to him his word was giv'n
"Of such the kingdom is of heav'n,"
Now they behold his glory too:
Sweet babes we do rejoice with you.
New wonders still! Lo, here are they,
Unjustly brought from Africa!
They've heard the gospel's joyful sound,
Though lost indeed they now are found.
Those we see here who once have been
Made slaves to man by horrid sin.
Now through rich grace in Christ are free,
Forever set at liberty.
Thanks be to God, though not to man,
'Twas he who laid this glorious plan
From evil great, this good to bring
All glory to our God and King.
Hail Ministers of Jesus' name,
Who this salvation did proclaim;
Our very souls do live anew
That we in heaven do meet with you.
You have receiv'd the sweet, "Well done:"
And your eternal joy's begun;
Rich and complete is your reward,
And we forever bless the Lord.
[Page 379]
What saints are these with crowns we see,
Of joy and immortality?
Gladly we find they are the same
Who out of tribulation came.
The holy prophets who did die
Because they truth did prophesy.
Apostles bless'd, and Martyrs, slain
Because Christ's truth they did maintain.
We know that these the world did hate;
But Christ has made them rich and great
He promis'd them this great reward,
And we adore the faithful Lord.
New scenes arise. Let us attend:
Here's Abr'am's seed, God's ancient friend.
We see God's covenant was sure,
And did from age to age endure.
All these have had repentance giv'n,
The true Messiah own'd from heav'n.
His promises they did embrace,
And now behold his glorious face.
That very blood by them was spilt,
Which truly wash'd away their guilt;
Glory to God! we see the Jew:
We, Gentiles, do rejoice with you.
Transporting scene! All is delight!
Throngs numberless are in our sight,
Of every kindred, tongue and size,
To overwhelm us with surprise.
[Page 380]
When Christ a thousand years did reign,
Ten thousands then were born again;
Who now, through rich and sovereign grace,
Are here to fill this holy place.
Language is pure and all refin'd;
Quickly we know each other's mind.
All here is concord; all at peace;
And happiness does still increase.
These holy angels all have skill
To know and do Jehovah's will:
They joy'd at our Redeemer's birth,
And minister'd to him on earth.
The Angels, who excel in strength;
Who were our guardians all the length,
Of the afflictive, tiresome road,
And bare us safe to this abode.
Is this the heav'n of which we heard!
Are these the mansions Christ prepar'd!
How low have our conceptions been,
In a blind world of night and sin.
O come, yet lower let us fall,
Before our God, our all in all.
Sing praises to the worthy Lamb:
Ever adore the great I AM.
Amen, Hallelujah.
FINIS.