LETTER I. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

WHEN you quitted the smoaky capital, to retire to your delicious residence in Northumberland, you enjoined me, my dear Louisa▪ to become a constant corres­pondent. The request was so consonant to my inclinations, that I yielded to it with alacrity; but I am not without my appre­hensions that you will be wearied with the length and number of my epistles. I slatter myself, however, that our friendship is established on so firm a basis, that you will forgive what you cannot approve, and give me credit for my good intentions, should I trespass with prolixity or impertinence.

[Page 4]You know, my Louisa, all the secrets of my heart. Considering you as my sceond self, I have ever communicated to you the particulars of my thoughts, words, and ac­tions; hitherto, indeed, my life has been unchequered with the vicissitudes of fortune, and hardly furnishes an interesting scene; but I am resolved to be no longer unnoticed in the world—no longer considered as a mere blank in the [...]!

I need not inform you, that I am this day entering into my eighteenth year; and you will, without accusing me of vanity, admit that I am not very defective in person or ac­complishments. Do not consider this, my Louisa, as an eulogiu [...] on myself▪ but rather as a reflection on the insensibility of the men; for I have never received a [...]ngle over­ture from any of the sex: I therefore, am determined, in justice to myself to compel them to pay attention to me: and I dare venture to flatter myself that before many days are expired. I shall behold half a dozen of these lords of the creation, sighing at my feet.

This may appear romantic to you, with­out further explanation; but my scheme is very practicable, though it may be thought to deviate, in some degree, from the delica­cy of my sex. Be that as it may, hazard it I will, regardless of the censures of the [Page 5] world, if my Louisa should but approve the step.

Beauty, like any other mercantile com­modity, is become an article of traffic in our daily prints; advertisements indiscriminate­ly announce the bargain and sale of a lady's person, or a bale of silk; and direct the readers whither they are to repair to treat for the affections of a lady, with as little reserve as if she had been a hogshead of sugar, or any other common article of commerce.

Taught, therefore, by example, I intend, to pursue the same mode. The WORLD shall be the vehicle for my advertisement; it is read by all the world, and will probably produce me many suitors. The address I propose, shall be nearly in the following words.

‘A young lady, pretty far advanced in her teens, thus publicly appeals to the young gentlemen of this kingdom. She has not the smallest reason to accuse Na­ture for not embellishing her person; and Fortune, she admits, has been equally liberal to her. Acquired accomplishments, she also flatters herself, she has a compe­tent share of; and her disposition has generally been thought amiable. Not­withstanding these perfections, which are far from being exaggerated, she has not been [Page 6] asked the material question by any man living. Thus circumstanced, she candid­ly acknowledges that a state of virginity is so irksome to her, that she would willingly exchange it for a better. Proposals, ad­dressed to Belinda, sealed up, and left at the Bar of the London Coffeehouse, shall be duly attended to, and an interview appointed, if the proposals appear ade­quate to the lady's expectations.’

Blame me not Louisa, for forming a reso­lution of this kind; for be assured I shall act with the utmost prudence and decorum in the whole of the business. Never shall Louisa have the least occasion to blush for her affectionate friend,

LETTER II. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

YOU astonish me, my dear Belinda, by the resolution which you have formed. Be not too precipitate in the execution of [Page 7] such a romantic plan! Excuse me, dearest girl, for taking the freedom of a friend.— Suffer me to expostulate a little with you, on the impropriety of exposing your person, to the wanton sneers of a rude rabble; for such will assuredly be the fellows who make application for your fair hand, in conse­quence of the advertisement. I tremble for the consequences of such a procedure, and conjure you, if you value my friendship, to let the idea perish whilst it is in embryo.

Consider, my Belinda, very few serious applications are made to ladies of your age. I am indeed half a year older than you are, and I should look upon any matrimonial overtures as an insult to my understanding; and rather an attack upon my inexperience, than a justifiable claim to my affections. Your person and talents are sufficient to cap­tivate the richest and most accomplished of the sex; and, in due time, will certainly be attended to. The men are not those indif­ferent beings you would represent them; but hitherto you have mixed but little with the world; like a recluse, you have passed a few successive years, in pious attendance on an infirm and ancient parent, who is now no more. The finest pictures, when not ex­hibited, are unknown to the connoisseurs; but where your semblance appears, every man must be an amateur.

[Page 8]You are now emerging from the chamber of sickness and desolation, and will natural­ly receive and pay visits among the circle of your friends. Chance, my dear, will soon introduce objects worthy of your esteem, who will, doubtless pay their court to such beauty and excellence as belong to my Be­linda. Why, therefore, should you have recourse to such expedients as even the de­serted and abandoned almost despise?

Consider, my Belinda, how soon a female reputation receives a blemish; and, when once sullied, how difficult, nay how impos­sible, it is to remove that blemish. A single erroneous step, or a step, even bordering up­on error, will, by the censorious public, be magnified into a crime; and my poor, in­nocent Belinda, by disregarding appearances, being conscious of her own purity and integ­rity, may incur the calumny of malignant tongues, and lose the most valuable jewel upon earth, a " good name."

I am too young to assume the character of a grave adviser, and you may probably be surprised at so serious a lecture from one who is destitute of grey hairs. Had you re­quested my opinion respecting the fashion of a ribband, or any other article of dress and the ton, I would have answered you with my usual pleasantry, and you should have [Page 9] found your Louisa as sprightly and frolick­some as ever. Vive la Bagatelle!—But, where your reputation and future happiness in life, are the objects of consideration, my years appear to double upon me, and I think myself as well qualified for a pre­ceptor, as a Seneca, or a Solon.

You have not been accastomed, my dear Belinda, to such epistles as these from your Louisa. Often have you termed me, in the pursuit of our innocent extravagances, your little madcap. Hereafter I suppose you will think me entitled to the appellation of your philosopher. At all times, however, you may rely upon me as your friend.

Lay aside your ridiculous plan, my Be­linda, or you will make me miserable. Were I possessed of half your fortune, and a tythe of your perfections, I should think myself entitled to the attentions of the first nobility. Apropos, have you any of the beau monde in your quarter, or do you abound in fox hunters?

LETTER III. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

PARDON me, Louisa, if I condemn you for the severity of your epistle. I have unbosomed my whole soul to you; which I never should have done, had I not been convinced that you entertained the highest opinion of my integrity and honor. Do you suppose, my Louisa, educated as I have been in the school of adversity, (though af­terwards, liberally treated by the sickle God­dess) that I should so far forget myself as to hazard my reputation or my honor? No, my dear friend, I wish only to see the world; to trace out the snares which are so industri­ously laid to entrap the unweary sex▪ and to learn to be upon my guard against the strat­agems of seducers.

Either you have flattered me, or you have always entertained a good opinion of my dis­cernment and integrity. You cannot there­fore suppose that I should instantly bid adieu to such attendants, without giving them a [Page 11] proper warning, and engage indiscretion and irregularity in my suite. Indeed, Louisa, I am as immaculate as you left me, and am determined to continue unpolluted in thought, word and deed; still, however, I am resolved to have my humour, and to carry my projected plan into immediate ex­ecution. I can, without deviating from the rules of decency, receive the letters of those who are candidates for my person, peruse them, and answer them as they deserve; should any of them display evident marks of being the production of gentlemen, I may probably condescend to notice them; but if ignorance or vulgarity are the most promi­nent features in their epistles, I shall, with contempt, commit them to the flames.

Should I even deign to permit an interview with any of my unknown correspondents, it should be with such as displayed evident traits of honor, and a liberal education. A gentleman is as well known by his stile, as by his deportment; and no impostor can impose himself, in that character, on a wo­man of the least discernment. With a gen­tleman, therefore, I have nothing to risque; with such a man, preliminaries my be talk­ed of; and, if the treaty should not happen to be definitive, the negociation is at an end, and no disagreeable consequences can en­sue.

[Page 12]Many vulgar epistles I shall most proba­bly receive, deficient even in orthography and common sense; but, you know, my Louisa, I detest pretenders of all kinds. I address my advertisement to gentlemen, and a person who assumes that character, especially in his writings, is sure of being detected.

To be brief, this advertising scheme is a hobbyhorse of mine; and I am sure to gather amusement from it, whatever may be the other consequences. I expect to re­ceive letters from the canaille, as void of decency as of sense, which may afford you and I some little amusement, when there is a dearth of more essential matters. Such epistles, however, shall not survive the ob­servation of the day, but be decently in­terred, and consigned to perpetual oblivion.

I expect, in a short time, to possess as many letters as a robber of the mail; but I should be much surprised at finding any bank notes inclosed in any of them.

Does the WORLD circulate in Northum­berland? If so, you will therein read my address, or, if you please, my ADVERTISE­MENT FOR AN HUSBAND.

I hope my extraordinary resolution has not so far lessened me in your esteem, as to deprive me of your correspondence. If my adventure should not procure me an hus­band, [Page 13] suitable to my wishes and deserts, it will at least furnish entertainment for me and my Louisa. You must not, therefore, throw out any sarcasms upon my conduct; but believe me to be, as you have ever found me, your truly affectionate friend,

LETTER IV. PEREGRINE PESTLE, to BELINDA BLACKET.

YOUR advertisement in the WORLD, has struck me like electricity; but, perhaps, as I am an apothecary, you may consider me as a mere drug, and fit only for an opiate to a lady of your consequence. But, spight of all the poppies in the world, I am awaken­ed by your elegant address. Though I have not seen you, I anticipate the happiness your company will afford. I have not the [Page 14] least scruple but you will make me every grain of allowance upon an occasion of this magnitude. Matrimony, indeed, has been said to be a bitter pill to swallow; but this must have been the assertion of the ignorant, who knew not the ingredients of which that pill was composed. Every man of experi­ence must readily admit that he who ex­claims against the honorable state of matri­mony, ought to be pulverised. There is not a more excellent electuary, in the whole Materia Medica, than a sufficient quantity of bank stock beat up in a mortar, with a due portion of prudence and good nature to form it into a proper consistence.

You may imagine, Madam, from my lan­guage, that I have acted as a surgeon in the navy; in that situation I was employed the whole of the last war; and, I hope, with honor to myself and advantage to the wounded. But▪ by you I am imperceptibly wounded; I feel the stab, though unac­quainted with the arm that directed it.

Have pity, therefore, on your humble servant,

LETTER V. MR. HEATHCOTE, to BELINDA BLACKET.

IT is my usual custom to lounge away an hour at a coffeehouse almost every morning; during which time I meet with a variety of amusements in the diurnal prints; but nothing has so far excited my attention as your advertisement, which ap­peared yesterday in the WORLD. There is such an air of ingenuous can dor in that little composition, that I am induced to think the writer of it is in earnest.

Your address being general, no apology is necessary for troubling you with a few lines. As I purpose to be a candidate for your hand, you will naturally expect that I should give some account of myself, before I can ever hope to be favored with an in­terview. I shall begin therefore, by giving you a faithful portrait of my person, without exaggeration, either on the side of flattery or caricature. In point of height, I rather exceed the middle size. I am neither lean nor cor­pulent; and my figure is erect and strait. [Page 16] The whole symmetry of my body will bear investigation, except my legs; they are thought to be somewhat out of proportion, nature having been too profuse in furnish­ing those regions. My face is of the oval kind, and my nose aquiline; my eyes and eyebrows are truly ebon. It would savour too much of vanity were I to mention the encomiums which have been lavished on them. The small pox has made some rav­ages upon my countenance, but has not in­jured it; on the contrary, it has stamped a degree of manliness upon it, which it might otherwise have wanted.

So much for my person! With respect to fortune, I have not much to say; I have a small unincumbered estate, which I let for three hundred pounds per annum, and that is all I am possessed of. I might, indeed, by following the example of my neighbors, almost double that income, by raising my rents among the tenants; but I am happier at seeing them thrive and flourish upon my farms, than any augmentation of my rents can possibly make me.

My father, knowing I had but a scanty fortune to succeed to, bred me to the Bar, to enable me the better to support the char­acter and appearance of a gentleman. But there were unsurmountable obstacles to my distinguishing myself in Westminster Hall; [Page 17] I had too much diffidence, and too much honor in my nature, to make any progress in the courts of law.

Were I possessed of the most shining talents, I never could condescend to prosti­tute those talents, and plead against my con­science for a fee. If I unjustly detain the property of the fatherless or the widow, and give a lawyer a large fee, his mercenary tongue will move for hours, to varnish my sullied character, or to conceal my villainy; without regarding the distresses of those whom his abilities have robbed of bread.

Not being able therefore to add to my fortune, by exercising my profession; my income would be inadequate to my ex­penses, were I not to observe the strictest fru­gality upon all occasions.

Permit me then, Madam, to approach you, and solicit your fair hand; I feel a kind of presentiment that nature has formed us for each other. My little fortune, added to what you possess, will afford independen­cy to both. If you will deign to honor me with an audience, I flatter myself that I shall be able to plead my own cause entirely to your satisfaction.

Should I be so unfortunate as to be thought unworthy of an answer to this epistle, I know not what might be the con­sequence. Pistols and daggers are alarming [Page 18] things!—I will not tell you, however, that I shall have recourse to either of them; but I should positively be much chagrined to be treated with so much indifference. This is the first love epistle (if it may be so called) that I have ever written; and, should it not be honored with your notice, believe me, Madam, I shall never write another.

P. S. I forgot to mention my age, I am on the verge of my twenty second year.

LETTER VI. PATRICK MAC GREGOR, to BELINDA BLACKET.

IN passing through the WORLD, ac­cording to my usual practice every morn­ing before breakfast, I ran my head against [Page 19] your advertisement. Indeed, Madam, you talk like a woman of sense and parts, when you say you are willing to change your state for a better. A man need not be a conjuror to know what you main by a better, for sartainly it is better to be married than not to have a husband.

By the holy Shannon, Madam, I am vio­lently in love with you! for though I have not seen you at all at all, my mind's eye has been looking at every failure belonging to you, and running over all your charms, from the sole of your stocking, to the steeple of your bonnet.

I have no fortune, at present; to spaik of, but I shall have when I come to it; for my father (Heaven rest his soul!) has made a will, and appointed me his sole predecessor when he dies, which I hope will be spaidily, for he is as worthy a craiture as ever stepped upon shoe leather. I think, Madam, I have a right to survive my father, becaise I am told he was born before me. He has got a large sum of money in the Bank and South Sea, and several other freehold estates, which must all come to me; for it is not in his power to laive it to any body else, without altering his will, and that he cannot do, my jewel, becaise I have got a copy of it in my own possession.

He has a grait deal of other terra firma, [Page 20] which must all be mine; particularly a large share in the New River Water Works, and the navigation of the Liffy; besides, he has an annuity of five hundred pounds a year upon his own life, so long as he lives, which you know he cannot keep any longer than he can keep his breath.

You see, Madam, I am not a mere for­tune hunter, like some of my countrymen; for my own fortune will be immense, when my father will be so complaisant as to take himself out of this wicked world.

By way of amusing myself till I come to my estate, I play in Covent Garden with a sedan chair, in partnership with another jontleman, who was educated at Dublin Col­lege; but, devil burn the new pavement! it is made so aisy and convainient, that people ride upon a hackneycoach, or upon their ten toes, whilst a poor chairman stands like a mere cypher, and is no more regarded than a chairman of a porter club, or of the Eastindia Company.

I hope, Madam, you will not consider my employment as disgraceful, becaise, you know, every one is a gentleman who can keep his carriage as I do.

Pray let me have an express from you, by the penny post, to let me know if you have any regard for me. I think I have said enough to win the affections of any raisonable wo­man; [Page 21] but if you are unraisonable, the devil go along with you! You say your "vir­ginity is irksome to you;" then who is to be blamed but yourself for keeping it any longer; when a jontleman, like me, is willing to take you for better or for worse?

There is some little disperity in our ages, I must acknowledge; for you are but eigh­teen, and I am thirty six; but that is a mat­ter not worth making a botheration about, for after we have been married eighteen years, we shall be both of an age.

It is not my intention to desaive any wo­man, especially one so amiable as yourself; my honor therefore compels me to acknowl­edge that I am already married to a couple of wives; one of which I left in Crow Street, Dublin, and the other at the Ring's End; but, we were married without ceremony, I left them without ceremony, and am now at liber­ty to bestow my hand according to my own will and pleasure.

It is very disagreeable for a man to be alone, except he has got company with him; and I am sartain you would find my com­pany more agreeable than to be alone with any body else.

[Page 22]Direct for Patrick MacGregor at the sign of Belzebub the Angel, Octagon Square, St. Giles's.

LETTER VII. THE REVEREND MR. PROBY, to BELINDA.

ACCUSE me not of presumption, Madam, for venturing to trouble you with a few observations on your conduct, respect­ing your address to the Public, on so inter­esting and important a subject as matrimo­ny. I cannot think you are in earnest; for a young lady with your figure, fortune, and accomplishments, must demand the admira­tion and reverence of mankind.

But, whether you are in jest or earnest, let me entreat you, my dear girl, to be strict­ly upon your guard. Be not entrapped by the seducive wiles of the abandoned liber­tine, [Page 23] who flatters that he may destroy, and who prides himself upon the victims he has made.

Struck by the consideration of your age and inexperience, I considered it as my duty to remonstrate with you on so alarming a procedure. You will the more readily ex­cuse me, my dear Madam, when I inform you that I am a clergyman; and in that character, conscienciously performing what I could not dispense with, without commit­ting a violence on my feelings. If in this particular, you think I am overacting my part, I kiss the rod of correction, and request your pardon; if, on the contrary, you should commend my vigilance for your safe­ty, I should esteem myself happy.

My humble situation in life precludes me from making you a tender of my hand, or I would immediately have addressed you as a lover; in order to snatch you from the danger which apparently awaits you. I am but a poor curate, and may probably long continue so, having but little interest with those in power; and exaltation in the Church depends wholly upon a man's con­nexions.

I pretend not to superior talents, or to a more exemplary life, than many of my cloth; but, admitting that my abilities and conduct were in the highest degree meritori­ous, [Page 24] how little would they avail against the influence of connexions! Obliged to sup­port the character of a gentleman, I am starving upon the paltry pittance of fifty pounds a year; whilst some of the meanest mechanics in this metropolis, acquire double that sum annually; and, with a mixture of pity and contempt, express their sorrow for a poor miserable journeyman parson.

Should you, however, condescend to take compassion on me, and, by honoring me with your hand, lift me from poverty to happiness and independence, how much would you be entitled to my gratitude; and how zealously should I endeavor to deserve a favor so distinguished and so unexpect­ed! But I condemn my arrogance and self delusion, having as great pretensions to a mitre, as to such unparalleled generosity from Belinda.

Pardon me, Madam, even for suggesting so extravagant an idea. Let me observe, however, in mitigation of my presumption, that, though I am indigent, I am unincum­bered with debt; no man having a claim upon me for a single shilling, It is possible, Madam, that you may receive applications from men, who, with the appearance of affluence, may be infinitely worse than nothing, and your fortune may be in some [Page 25] degree exhausted to satisfy the demands of his clamorous creditors.

Though these observations, so far as they respect myself, may be ineffectual; yet I hope they will admonish you to be extreme­ly wary and circumspect. Your unsuspect­ing years may be amused by misrepresenta­tions and specious promises; and you may find, at length, that you have listened, with too credulous an ear, to the protesta­tions of the mercenary or the abandoned.

But how am I deviating from the path I entered upon! When I sat down to write to you, I was actuated by the purest principles, to dissuade you from attending to the pro­posals of others, and I am imperceptibly drawn in to tender proposals of my own. But should they be honored with your attention, or even excite your curiosity to be further acquainted with them, still I en­treat you to examine them with the nicest penetration.

But, lest I should swell my letter to the bulk of a moderate sermon, and deter Be­linda from passing through it, I must hasten to a conclusion; but I cannot take my leave of you, Madam, without submissively be­seeching you to listen to my own overtures; or, if they should be deemed unworthy of your [Page 26] serious consideration, to be attentive to the cautions suggested by

LETTER VIII. MR. RATTLE, to BELINDA.

'PON honor, Madam, you are a very pretty, delicate, modest lady, to ad­vertise for a bedfellow in such positive and feeling terms! What, because you are turned of seventeen, and suppose yourself capable of being made a mother, you think a mo­ment's time ought not to be lost! Oh, what a forward minx! A little proper correction would be more serviceable to you than a husband.

Have you no affectionate friend, who would undertake to administer such a reme­dy to a giddy girl! If not I am at your service, and you may command me at any time.

[Page 27]Alas, poor lady! She is afraid of leading [...] in another country; because, forsooth, she thinks herself neglected and forsaken, in not having a man to play with, almost be­fore she has thrown aside her Doll! Mercy on us! That such an infant should think of leaping from her leading strings into the arms of a lover!

The manners of the sexes appear to be inverted; t [...] [...]es are become feminine, and the fema [...] all masculine; the former assume an effeminate delicacy and timidity, and the latter an air of roughness bordering upon heroism. I have seen a blowsy female in a phaeton, whipping, cutting and man­aging the reins of two pair of horses; and I have seen a male milliner simpering behind the counter, dealing out ribbands, thread, and catgut.

Let me advise you, my dear little Miss in her teens, to return to boarding school, and desire your governess to feed you upon watergruel and lemonade; all ani­mal food you ought carefully to avoid; and a little of the discipline, recommended in the former part of my letter, will be found very salutary.

When you arrive at years of discretion, (which I am afraid will be at a very distant period) you will be convinced that I have acted as your real friend. I have taken the [Page 28] liberty of treating you with that freedom which every child would be entitled [...] from one who is acquainted wiih the world. No man is a greater admirer of the fair sex than I am; and, whilst I exist, I will ever endeavor to be their friend,

LETTER IX. MR. BRISKET, to BELINDA.

IF so be that you will permit me to bid for you, I shall sartainly be very much obliged to you. You must know as how I am a butcher, but I am wholesale, and only deal in carcusses. I am as well known about Leaden all as any man that ever stuck a knife in a bullock, and am as well to do, thouf I say it; but I have my enemies, who throw out a great deal of callummy and [Page 29] slander against me, only because I get up in the world; and when some people sees a man prosper, they grows envious, and all that.

But I does not mind the whole kit of them; not I, believe me. I have got that in my pocket which will stand my friend, when all other friends dezart me.

I once put up to be a common council man of Cheap ward, but it turned out to be a very dear piece of business; and, what was worst of all, I came off second best. I treated the whole ward with buggamy, and claret, and sham pain, to the tune of twenty guineas, besides the calves heads that I sent in to make turtle of; but all this would not do; Mr. Blackgrain, the shoemaker, had got the length of the Alderman's foot, and pre­vailed on him to make a false return, thouf I had as many hands for me as there was singers for my antigonist.

I thinks, however, I shall come in next St. Thomas's Day; but you know, Madam, that is a long ways off, and who can tell what may happen between this and then! I confess I longs to be a member of the corpo­ration, because as how it make a man spicuous in the world.

I have sarved all parish offices, and am one of the select westry. I dont say all this from wanity, Madam, but only signify as how [Page 30] I am a man of some a count, and not a mere venturer and beggar. Besides, Madam, I am comed of a very good family; for my great grandfather of my mother's side was a large bisket baker in Horseliedown; and great grandmother of my father's side mar­ried the first cousin of a capital soapboiler, in Swine Alley, Barnaby Street.

Yes, Madam, I often boastes of my four fathers and four mothers, and all the rest of my ancesturs and predy cessurs. I knows what Mr. Alexander Pope, the great poet, says, upon these occasions.

You perceive, Madam, that I am a man of rudition and reading, and I have a most purdidgeous memory. I ave got all Pope's es­say on man by art, and I once repeated the 119th salm for a wager of a lamb's fry, and won it hollow.

I do assure you, Madam, I am a man that knows things, and am up to all the rig of the best of them. It would do your art good, my dear Madam, to hear me, when I talks about history. I knows the crissen name of all the kings and pottintates from William the Con­currer, to George the Third of Greatbritain, [Page 31] France and Ireland, king, defender of the Faith. I have got the hole story of Nanny Bullen at my finger's ends. I can tell you all about Jane Shore and Lord Hasting, and all that; and as how Jane shore was starved to death for want of eating. I can tell you what made the two houses of York and Lan­caster so angry with one another, and how they happened to fall together by the ears.

I knows all the purticulars of Betty Can­ning, Mother Squires, and the Rabit wo­man; and can entertain you, for an hour together, with the martyrdoms of Smith­field, where I goes every Monday and Fri­day to buy beasts, and cattle, and sheep. How many good men have been butchered there, by bloody Queen Mary, because they would not be papishes.

In short, Madam. I have a fun of entertain­ment within myself, and shall never be at a loss for a subject to be guile the tedious hours of a long winter evening. I subscribes to Mr. Lane's circulating library, and studies politics, mathematics, and all other ticks, and I can speak French as thouf I had been a natif of France, and born there. Take this as a sample commong vou po [...]y vou? How do you do! Four be-eng, Je vou remersee. Very well I thank you. You will not find many butchers that have got so much larning as I have; I can ax in French for bread, [Page 32] and beef, and a fine lady, and many other necessaries of life.

Now, Madam, I think I have said enuff of myself to convince you that I am some­body; and that if you reject my purposal, you may meet with a more worser offer be­fore you die.

If so be that I was twenty years youngerer, I should not doubt of capty vating you; but as I am on the rong side of forty, I am not without apprehenshons that you may think me rather too old to be you consart; thouf I can assure you that I am as young as ever I was in my life, in one sense, and have not got a single grey hair about me.

But if I be too old for you, mayhap my son may do; for the boy is a chip of the old block, a chop of the old joint, and as frisky and frolicsome as any young fellow in the precinct. I should be main glad to have you in our family, by hook or by crook; for I am sartain that you are vise and vartu­ous by your manner of riting.

I never rote so long a letter in my life be­fore, except when I gave an a count of my travels, from Dover to the continent of Calais.

Some evil minded persons, being instigat­ed by the devil, have said as how my trade is savige and unsentimental; but your sue purla­tive good sense will not be by assed by such narrow prejudices. I never lays wiolent [Page 33] hands on any of my bullocks, sheep, or lambs, having proper executioners to per­form that bisness. Like Majesty, I only sign the death warrant. Let me suppli Kate you, Madam, to pay all dew attention to my let­ter, and to grant me one of the favors I have axed. Let me either claps you in my own arms, or con sign you over to my son. In either case, I shall consider myself,

LETTER X. MR. SALMON, to BELINDA.

YOU would think me an odd fish, Madam, if, after I had perused your senti­mental advertisement in the WORLD, I had not thrown in a bait to angle for your affec­tions.

Some crabbed old fellows may perhaps condemn you for casting such a net to catch lovers, and carp at the impropriety of it; [Page 34] and some antiquated dames will perch them­selves at the tea table, or any other gossiping place, and flounder on at a violent rate against such a step, as deviating from the line of delicacy, especially when a maid is the object.

Though, Madam, you are but seventeen years of age, it does not necessarily follow that you are but a shrimp. Ladies of your time of life are sometimes as fat as porposes, and sound as roaches. I mean not to convey any indelicate idea respecting your person, but only that I suppose you to be embonpoint. I am not a dab at making love, or I should turn the scales upon the antiquated thorn­backs who swim in the strong current of slan­der, and, when detected, twist about like an eel, to exculpate themselves.

I have only to add, that my natural ele­ment is fresh water, that I have never yet been pickled; that I am at all times ready to be served up to you, that I shall be like a fish out of water if you treat me with indiffer­ence; and that I am, Madam,

LETTER XI. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

BELIEVE me, my Louisa, I receive as many letters as if I had been in a princi­pal department in the state; and more are incessantly arriving. Lawyers, clergymen, apothecaries, fishmongers and newsmongers, compose a part of my correspondents.

Hitherto I have not any reason to regret the adoption of my scheme. It affords me amusement, keeps me from ennui, and in­structs me, in some measure, in the knowl­edge of the world.

As I expected, I received epistles of various kinds; serious and humorous; whimsical and solemn; sarcastical and ludi­crous. An apothecary recommends himself to me as a drug; a lawyer very obligingly offers to partake of my fortune, because he he has too much honesty and honor to support or defend an act of villainy; and a very sententious clergyman advises me to be [Page 36] extremely cautious and circumspect, in a matter of such great importance.

Among the ludicrous letters that have yet come to hand, may be reckoned that of a blundering Hibernian, who declares himself to be a gentleman of large expectations, but chooses to amuse himself with carrying a sedan chair!

Another is from an impertinent puppy, who desires me to return to boarding school. This is the most insolent epistle that I have received. It is evidently the production of some empty coxcomb.

A wealthy butcher, in the true Smithfield style, solicits my hand, either for himself or son, and gives a very curious and entertain­ing account of himself; and a Mr. Salmon desires to be served up to me, not considering that Lent is just expired.

A fresh packet of letters has this moment arrived, which would take some hours in the perusal; but they shall remain unno­ticed by me, till I have discharged my duty to my Louisa.

Had I sufficient leisure, I would copy the letters as I receive them, and transmit those copies to you; but I am sufficiently em­ployed in reading them only. You must therefore wait with patience till you return to London, when you will certainly have a [Page 37] delecious treat in looking over those which I shall recommend to your perusal.

I am really of opinion, my Louisa, that, among my epistolary wooers, I shall be able to make a prudent and judicious choice. One or two, who have already favored me with addresses, seem perfectly qualified to render any reasonable woman happy, if mental qualifications are essential to that end. My fortune is more than sufficient for the sphere of life in which I intend to move; then why should I require an addi­tion to that fortune, or seek for an equiva­lent in an husband?

A match, upon such a construction, could be but barter for barter; where, like two plodding partners, each may be considered as having brought in his full proportion of the articles in trade, and that neither of them are indebted to each other.

My disposition is of a different, and I flat­ter myself of a nobler turn. It is a glori­ous satisfaction to me, to confer favors, with­out even the desire or expectation of a re­turn! I should be happy in bestowing the means of happiness on a man whom I esteemed, and in receiving those returns of affection which the grateful are ever ready to pay. But, where mercenary marriages are negociated, and shilling for shilling is the stipulation on both sides, the equality of [Page 38] the parties is principally contended for, and a man treats his wife with common decency and respect, from no other motive than be­cause she advanced her share of the capital stock.

Such people, my Louisa, are destitute of sentiment and feeling. There is a pleasure in conferring and receiving favors; but where there are cautious stipulations and every act is performed for a valuable con­sideration, a generous heart shudders at the idea.

I hope you are, by this time a little bet­ter reconciled to my project. As I have found time, notwithstanding I am so much engaged in business, to write you this long epistle, I expect one of the first magnitude from you. Favor me with a description of the country round you, and with some account of your neighbors. Tell me if there are any pretty fellows within a reasonable dis­tance of your mansion; but, above all, be particular in informing me when I may ex­pect the pleasure of seeing you in the me­tropolis.

LETTER XII. MR. LUCKLESS, to BELINLA.

IF your heart is capable of feeling for the unfortunate, I may flatter myself that you will take compassion on me; or at least, that you will condescend to pay some atten­tion to my disastrous tale.

In my early youth, indeed, nothing mate­rial happened to me of a calamitous nature, except the loss of an indulgent father and mother; but ever since I approached man­hood, a series of misfortunes have attended me.

At the age of twenty, I succeeded to an estate of fifteen hundred pounds per annum, and upwards of thirty thousand pounds in cash; so affluent a fortune I thought would enable me to adopt a genteel mode of living, without injuring my circumstances.

Having only an antiquated mansion house upon my premises, I ordered a new [Page 40] one to be erected in the modern style, on which I expended seven thousand pounds, and about a fourth part of that sum in the most elegant furniture I could procure; but, before I was in the actual occupation of it, the whole building took fire, and that and the furniture were all consumed to ashes.

Prior to this accident, I had deposited up­wards of ten thousand pounds in the hands of a merchant, whom I considered as my banker, and meant to draw on him for cash as I might occasionally want it. He was a director of the Bank, a member of parlia­ment, and a governor of many of the city hospitals. He was said to be immensely rich by all who knew him, and I thought my property as secure as if it had been in the funds; when, guess at my surprize, Madam, the very next day after the flames had lev­elled my new mansion with the ground, I read my merchant's name in the Gazette, introduced with a whereas; and I have since received a dividend of only two shillings in the pound.

I should have had an equivalent for all these losses, by a twenty thousand pound prize, had I not foolishly parted with my ticket to a neighbor. I had purchased it for myself with a determination to stand the chance of it; but, being then in London, I received a letter from a gentleman in the [Page 41] country, requesting me to purchase him a lottery ticket. Unwilling to quit the com­pany I was then engaged in, to repair to a lottery office, I sent my own ticket to my friend, thinking I could buy another at my convenience; and that ticket was afterwards drawn a prize of twenty thousand pounds.

Certainly I was born under the influence of some unlucky planet; for, not long after this very provoking accident, fortune, in one of her freaks, deprived me of a considerable legacy. A distant relation of mine, think­ing his death approaching, gave instructions to an attorney to prepare a will, wherein he had bequeathed me five thousand guineas; the will was engrossed, read and approved; but, just as he was about to sign and execute it, he called for a glass of cold water, and drank it; which immediately threw him into convulsions, and he dropped down dead. By his thus dying intestate, I lost the five thousand guineas, that were intend­ed for me, and the heir at law (who would have been cut off with a shilling, had the will been executed) succeeded to a very large real estate.

Chagrined at such a succession of disap­pointments, and my ready cash being all exhausted, I applied to an advertising mo­ney lender for a present supply; who readi­ly undertook to discount my own notes for [Page 42] any sum I might require, at the moderate and legal interest of five per cent. He ob­served, however, that it was usual, on such occasions, for the borrower to allow a small premium to him, as agent between the bor­rower and the lender. To enforce the proprie­ty of his receiving some little reward, he add­ed, that he must guarantee such notes, by en­dorsing them himself, which rendered him liable to pay the whole sums, provided I did not honor them regularly as they became due; politely observing, at the same time, that he did not imagine he ran the least risque with a gentleman of my seeming probity.

There appeared to be something so plausi­ble and proper in the man's conduct, in this business, that I submitted to his terms, and drew three promissory notes for five hundred pounds each, at two, four, and six months after date, and presented them to him, rely­ing upon his protestations that he would furnish me with cash for them at the hour of two the next day. I waited impatiently for the arrival of that hour; but my plausi­ble Jew never made his appearance; and I never heard of the securities I had given him to negociate, till after the expiration of two months, when I was arrested for five hun­dred pounds, the amount of the first note that became due.

[Page 43]I remonstrated with the sheriff's officer on the cruelty and injustice of the transaction; who unfeelingly replied, that it was of no consequence to him, nor did he wish to be informed of any of the particulars; he had got a warrant to arrest me, and that was suf­ficient for him. Without further ceremony, he conducted me to a spunging house, where I was confined till I found means to procure the money to pay the note, and costs of suit.

As the two other notes successively became due, I was treated in the same inhuman manner, and actually paid the whole fifteen hundred pounds, though I had not received a single shilling upon any of the securities.

I consulted lawyers, whether it was possible by any means to evade the payment of them, as it was evident they had been swindled from me; but, as they had passed through several hands, and had been endorsed from one to another for a pretended valuable con­sideration, they advised me to submit to my present loss, rather than engage in expensive suits, which would probably terminate against me.

In order to raise money to get rid of this infamous business, I was compelled to mort­gage my estate, upon which I borrowed ten thousand pounds. The remainder of that sum is now almost consumed.

[Page 44]These, Madam, are a few of the misfor­tunes which I have experienced; but you may be assured I shall be extremely wary for the future.

If you, Madam, will condescend to no­tice me, I think I should receive an ample recompense for all the untoward events that have befallen me. My fortune is still consid­erable, and probably yours may be sufficient to discharge the incumbrance on my estate. That your disposition is amiable, appears evidently in your address, and your person, from your own modest representation of it, is fashioned by the Graces.

Let me intreat you, my dear Madam, to favor me with a line. It will afford infi­nite satisfaction to

P.S. Having hitherto been so remarkably unfortunate in all my undertakings, I ex­pect a series of successes to balance the ac­count between the blinded Goddess and myself.

LETTER XIII. MR. STANZA, to BELINDA.

YOUR advertisement, Madam, ex­cited my curiosity, and I have presumed to become your correspondent. I cannot, however, boast of any large possessions or expectancies, my estate being all personal, in the strictest sense of the word; for I have only my person that I can call my own. I am ready to settle that on you, Madam, at any time; but, as I cannot say much in commendation of it, I am almost afraid to recommend it to you.

Having no income but the produce of my brain, I may literally be said to live upon my wit. Consequently my table is but in­differently spread. Turtle and capon I know not even the taste of; and instead of a sirloin smoking on my board, a mutton chop, un­accompanied with pickles or other provoca­tives, frequently constitutes my whole bill of fare.

[Page 46]When I attend my duty in the house of commons—mistake me not, Madam, for I am not a member of that august assembly, but only act in the character of a reporter— every speech delivered by any of the senators of that house, I commit to memory, and serve it up to the public the next morning. Probably, Madam, you may take in the World—That paper is devoted to my pro­ductions—The Speeches in Parliament, Memoirs of school boys, the fabrication alluding to crim. con. and all the casualties in that performance, are entirely my own compositions.

Indeed I am thought capital at a casualty, few of my profession presuming to attempt to vie with me in that department. No longer ago than yesterday, I overset a boat under London bridge, by which accident two gen­tlemen and three ladies were drowned; and to render the shock as great as possible to the reader, I made one of the ladies in the last month of her pregnancy.

On the same day I stole an infant, the only issue of a rich and reputable family, from the arms of the nursery maid, put out its eyes, and sold it to a beggar woman in Whitechapel.

During the drawing of the last lottery, I killed as many pigeons, by throwing them [Page 47] from their horses, as would furnish half a dozen dove houses.

I am thought to be particularly excellent in a murder. A murder of my committing is immediately known by an intelligent reader, because it is always attended with such peculiar circumstances of horror. I am allowed a shilling each for all my mur­ders, whilst others are glad to furnish those articles at only half the price.

Sometimes, when advertisements run short in our paper, I am ordered by the conductor, to make about half a column of scandal, which is one of the easiest tasks in the whole province of literature. I acknowledge, in­deed, that I feel some little remorse in fab­ricating articles of that nature. Were it not in the way of business, it would be a species of cruelty to rob a lady of her repu­tation, and load the husband's forehead with a pair of imaginary horns, for so trifling a consideration as I usually receive. I have occasioned at least half a dozen separations between husband and wife, by insinuations and oblique charges, when the lady has been as chaste and innocent as Diana.

Do not imagine, Madam, that my abilities are limited to the productions of a diurnal paper. I sometimes associate with the Muses, and pick up a penny in the poetic line. When I have got a few shiners in my pocket, [Page 48] I attempt heroics, and often with success. As my cash diminishes, my genius dimin­ishes of course, and then I can only pro­duce sonnets and other inferior lyric compo­sitions. If my last guinea suffers trans­mutation, the wings of my imagination are so closely clipped, that I am then fit only for elegy.

Once in my life time, I attempted to write a tragedy, but the managers of the royal theatres thought proper to reject it; sagacious­ly observing, that it was too deep and affect­ing. Was there ever so ridiculous a reason assigned for not performing a dramatic piece, of singular excellence? Can any thing be more absurd than to condemn a tragedy for being tragic?

My tragedy was called, " The Incendiary; or, 1780." The plot had some gunpowder in it and a large quantity of hemp. When I came to the denouement in the last act, one of the most awful scenes are represented, that I believe has ever appeared on any stage. No less than three gallowses are ex­hibited at one view, and sixteen malefactors! pendant from each gallows. Was there ever a more noble spectacle! and how con­sistent with the solemnity, sublimity and dignity of the tragic Muse?

I fear, Madam, you will think me too prolix; but, when I profess myself a suitor [Page 49] to a lady, it is necessary that I should ac­quaint her with the reasons on which I build my pretensions to her hand. I wish, Madam, to become your husband; but I should not expect that you would honor me with an answer to this epistle, had I not pointed out a visible method of getting bread for myself and partner.

With your pecuniary aid, I would engage to establish a new morning print upon the most permanent footing. Should such a journal appear, as I am capable of pro­ducing, the publications of the day must hide their diminished heads. The World would then be at an end; the Post would be deserted; the Public Advertiser confined to a few private hands; and the Herald be­come a Pursuivant.

I have some thoughts of taking away one of the gallowses from the catastrophe of my tragedy, and present it a second time to the managers, but I will not give up the other two, to please all the critics in the universe.

Before I conclude, I must beg you to give me an audience; when I will produce such credentials as, I flatter myself, will convince you that I am not wholly unworthy of your attention.

LETTER XIV. EBENEZER PRIMITIVE, to BELINDA.

I BLAME thee much for the step which thou hast taken, and am determined to reprove thee. Thou hast vaunted of thy frail person in terms that do not become thee, and thrown out a bait for carnality to nibble at; but the upright will depise thy blandishments, and consider thee as a lost sheep.

Thou mayst accuse me of impertinence for dictating unto thee, but verily, friend Be­linda, thou art sailing in a rough sea, without rudder or compass. Recal thy advertisement, reject the importunities of seducers, and confine thyself to the channel of thy ac­quaintance. If thou hast merit and money, thou hast nothing to fear. The men natur­ally cleave unto thy sex, as the point veereth to the north; but thy proceedings savoreth of levity, and thou wilt expose thyself to calumny and insult.

[Page 51]Thy plan of public wooing is reprehensi­ble; but if thou wilt abandon it, and suffer me to treat with thee on principles of regu­larity and decorum, I will meet thee when and where thou pleasest.

Thou mayest perhaps object to the starch­ness and singularity of my professed princi­ples but I am not so violently attached to opinion, as to be deaf to thy reasonable ob­jections. If, upon an interview, thou shouldst find me agreeable to thee, and I should also think thee agreeable, my hat should no longer go unbuttoned, but be moulded into any form thou pleasest.

LETTER XV. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

I CONGRATULATE you, my Be­linda, on the number and respectability of your suitors, and doubt not but you will manage them with propriety. I crave your pardon for [Page 52] assuming the austere synic in a former letter, and perfectly approve of your whole plan of operations.

Be it known, too, that I have made a con­quest since my arrival in this part of the world. The son of an affluent grazier has paid his addresses to me in form, and made me a tender of his heart and hand. He is a good figure, but rustic, rough and unpol­ished. He is also good natured in the ex­treme; and, upon the whole, with a little cultivation, would be a valuable acquisition.

He has indeed rather too much of the mauvaise honte, but that sheepishness and timidity will vanish when he mixes a little with the beau monde. His name is Graham. He was solemnly introduced to me as a lov­er, by a very respectable old gentleman, his father, I received him with respect, but with­out familiarity, and the conversation, as near­ly as I can recollect, was as follows.

'Tis a remarkable fine day, Madam.

Yes, Sir.

We had a fine refreshing shower yesterday, and yet the roads are now incommoded with the dust.

The wind is pretty high, Sir, I think.

[Page 53]

Remarkably so, Madam; and yet it would be termed a gentle breeze, by mariners.

They would call it a gale, Sir, I believe.

Probably they might. Pray, Madam, what is it o'clock?

It is time for you to be going, Sir, if you are far from home.

I fear, Madam, my company is trouble­some to you.

No, Sir, not in the least.

If I could flatter myself that my presence was not disagreeable to you, the danger of being benighted would not give me the least concern.

You much over rate me, Sir, if you think my company equivalent to such a sacrifice.

Pardon me, Madam; I make a just estimate of the value of my time, when I prefer the moments passed with so amiable a young lady, to all that may be lost or wasted in insignificant pursuits. An hour of your [Page 54] company, though obtained by the sufferings and solicitudes of many months, would be purchased at too cheap a rate.

So courtly a compliment I did not expect at such a distance from the capital. Permit me, however, Sir, to consider it as a compli­ment; and, even in that light, I think my­self obliged to you for your civility.

I am too much of the rustic, Madam, to be guilty of a compliment. Men of polished man­ners only can manage those weapons with dexterity. Such unfashionable characters as myself, permit the tongue to act in unison with the heart, and are generally so vulgar and ill bred as to speak their real sentiments.

Believe me, Sir, you have seen exhibited an unfavorable picture of polite life; one that has been heightened with caricature. I cannot see any reason why politeness and sincerity may not accompany each other; or that a man cannot have integrity without being a savage.

My rusticity, Madam, I am afraid, has given you the idea of a savage. I would cheerfully submit to that, or any other appellation, to obtain a single look of appro­bation [Page 55] from Louisa. Permit me, Madam, to salute your hand.

Your advances are somewhat too rapid, Sir. What encouragement have I ever given you, to induce you to suppose that I would admit of such liberties?

I approach you, Madam, with that re­spectful awe, which is due to a divinity from a mere mortal.

You may remember, Sir, that you enquir­ed about the hour, soon after your arrival. I take the liberty of informing you that it is now somewhat later, than when that question was proposed.

Too well I understand your meaning, Mad­am: It is but too apparent that my absence would afford you pleasure. My towering hopes are withered in the bud, and distress and misery await me!—Banished from thee, the world will become tasteless, and life a burthen! Happy should I have continued, had you not visited these regions; had I not seen that angelic face, that captivating air, that sweetly engaging countenance and de­portment!

Consider the hour, Sir!

[Page 56]

You rally me, and indeed too justly, for such an impertinent interrogatory; but your good sense and generosity will pardon the effects of my simplicity. Awed by the pre­sence of so much beauty and perfection, words inadvertently escaped my lips▪ and I am a sincere penitent.

And will sin no more?

Yes, if talking with Louisa be a sin, let me sin on, so I may be forgiven.

I forgive you what is past, but be cautious how you offend in future.—I wish you a good evening, Sir.

Permit me to retort a little, Madam; it is now my turn to echo your own words— "Consider the hour, Madam!"—It certainly is but an early hour. Your wishing me a good evening might be construed a summons for me to depart, by those who were indifferent; but, delighting in your company, I consider it as a French salutation; it is customary in France to salute with those words when com­pany meet to pass the evening together, and not when they separate, in order to retire to rest.

[Page 57]

You have travelled, I suppose, Sir.

Not out of my native island, Madam; but I have read the productions of some travellers of veracity, who have visited the continent, and from some of them I have picked up this piece of information; the truth of which is hardly to be doubted.

You seem determined, I perceive, Sir, not to understand the broadest hints I am capa­ble of suggesting.

Nothing but direct, positive, and peremp­tory terms, respecting my departure, will I presume to understand; and Louisa, I am well convinced, has too much politeness, to adopt such language.

You will, however, permit me to request that you will take your leave.

Yes, Madam, upon certain conditions.

What are those, Sir?

That I may be permitted to visit you again.

[Page 58]

On no other terms, will you depart?

On no other terms, Madam.

Agreed!

Let me thank you on my knees—Let me—

Keep your raptures for another opportuni­ty!— Be thankful that your petition has been granted, and begone.

At this moment my enamored swain took a most respectful leave of me, and I re­tired to my dressing room.

Thus have I given you, as faithfully as my memory will permit, the first dialogue between me and my northern lover. He be­gan his suit with great naivete and simplici­ty, but gradually improved as he acquired more confidence, and at last acquitted him­self very handsomely.

I freely acknowledge to you, Belinda, that he is far from being indifferent to me; and though I affected to wish him gone, by talk­ing of the lateness of the hour, and bidding him good night, I was as desirous of his staying as he could possibly be.

I expect—I am not ashamed to say that I even hope—his second visit will not be long [Page 59] delayed. I feel a partiality in his favor, and apprehend he will find no great difficulty in subduing me.

Appearances, however, must be preserved for a time, and I must affect reserve and in­difference to avoid the imputation of for­wardness. You are a happy girl, Belinda, in having so many strings to your bow; whilst I, like the almost deserted hen, must lavish all my affection upon a single chicken.

You shall be regularly informed, post af­ter post, of my lover's progress. As his for­tune is reported to be immense, my fears are alarmed that my little portion may be thought too inadequate, and, from the re­monstrances of mercenary relations, the youth may slip through my fingers. But, if I can read countenances, on his it appears in legible characters, that he is completely done for—nailed! rivetted!

My thoughts are so thoroughly engaged on my new victory, that you must suffer me to postpone the description of the adjacent country, which you so strongly solicited in your last. My swain will probably expect me to accompany him in a few jaunts, which will enable me the better to perform the task you have imposed on me; but our's will be a romantic peregrination, and instead of hunting fossils, antiquities and ores, we shall search after enamelled meadows, laved by the [Page 60] purling stream, and retreat to amaranthine bowers, formed for enraptured lovers.

P. S. The length of this epistle, may just­ly claim a long one in return.

LETTER XVI. SIR HARRY HATTON, to BELINDA.

BEING a gentleman and a baronet, I take the liberty to become your correspon­dent. I once had a tolerable good estate, but now have only a scanty annuity, barely sufficient to keep myself above want, and my apparel from being ragged.

But my distresses, thank heaven, shall nev­er attempt me to act dishonorably by false representations. I have a title to bestow, [Page 61] Madam, and a title only. If that should merit your attention, you may command my attendance at a moment's warning; but, if you should not deem that title equiva­lent to your fortune, our treaty is at an end.

Permit me, however, to observe, that I am not deficient in personal or mental qual­ifications, and my age does not exceed twen­ty six. You need not be precipitate in giv­ing me an answer. Take time to deliberate, before you come to a determination. You know, Madam, the respect due, and general­ty paid to a title, by the universal consent of mankind, and how respectable the title of my Lady is considered in all companies, and upon all occasions.

You have a fortune without a title, and I am in the actual possession of a title with­out a fortune. By a union we should both have titles, and an ample independence; both of us would be gifted with preemi­nence and fortune.

Nor do I consider it as descending from my rank, when I deign to make proposals to a lady of your seeming abilities and pen­etration.

I have further to observe, for your serious consideration, the probability of the advan­tage which your posterity may hereafter en­joy, especially the male heirs, lineally de­scended, [Page 62] as the title of Baronet will belong in hereditary course, to the most distant progeny of the house of Hatton.

It is in your power, Madam, to be Lady Hatton, and your real friends will advise you to embrace so fair an opportunity. But, if you are determined to shut your ears, when honors court you to receive them, I shall expect and request that this epistle may remain unanswered, and that this negocia­tion may continue a profound secret.

My address is "Sir Harry Hatton, Lam­beth."

LETTER XVII. MR. ELMAR, to BELINDA.

EXCUSE an undertaker, who, for a moment neglects his deceased friends, to lay himself at the feet of a most amiable young lady. I have a flourishing run of business, which will fully enable me to support a lady [Page 63] in an elegant style. On the very day that you advertisement caught my eye, my wife took a final leave of this sublunary world, and has left me a widower. She was a good wife and merits decent interment. A hearse and six, decorated with plumes▪ and attend­ed by three mourning coaches, shall conduct her to her last home.

How opportunely has she quitted the theatre of life, when so fine an opening pre­sents itself to furnish me with another!

Luckily for me, Madam, we have had a very unhealthy season, and I have driven a roaring trade for these several months past. I have buried many of my best friends, and, if the reigning fever should continue its ravages, I am not without hopes of attending the obsequies of as many more. A young physician in my neighborhood has con­tributed not a little, to accelerate their de­parture. That he may live long and pros­per is the foremost of my wishes!

There are many advantages, Madam, pe­culiar to my profession. Elm of an inferior price, as effectually serves for a wooden mansion, as that of the first quality, and the inhabitant never can complain of the architecture. Heirs at law, executors, and legatees, always pay the undertaker's bill, without taxation or grumbling, especially if the deceased cuts up pretty handsomely; [Page 64] and, if he leaves the world as he found it, some pious relative generally undertakes to perform the last service liberally.

Really, Madam, I am in a most excellent line of business, and have had the pleasure and happiness of burying some of the first nobility. I lately was employed to conduct the funeral of one of the most benevolent gentlemen that ever existed; his loss was universally lamented, except by me and his legatees. Had I not been his undertaker, I would have sincerely wished him a longer life!

Probably you may have a friend at Court, who may have interest to procure me the management of a royal funeral. What a flattering prospect for a man in my line of business! for, as the family are numerous, the common course of mortality will fre­quently create a job for me. Far be it from my thoughts that such melancholy events will give me pleasure, but when a person's time is come▪ Madam, I may as well bury him as any other undertaker.

Should I be so unfortunate as to survive you, Madam, you shall be interred with all the pomp and trappings of my profession. Mutes shall be posted at my door, escutche­ones and plumes shall decorate your hearse; and your funeral sermon shall be preached by a doctor in divinity.

[Page 65]As a very tender connexion may possibly take place between us, you may command my services, upon the most moderate terms, if any of your relations should happen to take a trip into the other world. You per­ceive, Madam, that I have an eye to busi­ness upon all occasions; and, though I may not be so happy as to be the object of your choice, I should be proud to be your un­dertaker.

I dabble a little in the business of an up­holsterer, and should you fix on any other per­son than myself, to be your happy husband, suffer me to furnish the bridal bed, that you may consummate in clover. It shall be em­bellished with all the art of the profession, and the down, of which it is composed, shall yield to the lightest pressure. On such a bed you may extend yourself, and repose with the highest satisfaction, and you and your consort will think yourselves in elys­ium.

A sopha, too, will probably be wanted; it being a very necessary and convenient piece of furniture, I have a patent for mak­ing them with elastic spings, on the most approved principle. Any commands of yours shall be executed with punctuality and dispatch.

Permit me, Madam, to request an inter­view. When you see me, you will pro­nounce [Page 66] me a man of address and parts, or I am miserably mistaken. I have not been accustomed to write long epistles, and must consequently appear to a disadvantage as a correspondent, but you would be con­vinced should I be honored with a tete a tete, that I am something more than a preten­tender to excellence in my several depart­ments. You will also find me a man of the world, and not a stranger to the ton.

All who know me, consider themselves honored with my company; and the heads of the parish invite me to all their convivial meetings; but nothing can so much gratify my ambition as to receive a summons from your fair hand, to attend you, and person­ally answer for myself.

LETTER XVIII. DR. POTION, to BELINDA.

HITHERTO I have considered a wife as an emetic, and have had a violent aversion even to the name of one; but, with our years, our appetites and dispositions va­ry, and what is a salutary regimen at one time, opperates like poison at a future pe­riod.

Matrimony has been considered, by some practitioners, to be worse than an epilepsy or a catalapsy, as only death can effect a cure; but still there are periodical maniacs who venture upon that state.

Charmed by the stile and matter of your advertisement, I thus presume to examine your fair pulse. In your situation, as the symptoms appear to me, a husband is the remedy I would prescribe to you, but the dose must not be too often repeated—A plurality [Page 68] of husbands, according to the Aphorisms of Dr. Thelypthoras, may bring on a cardialgia.

The husband I would advise to be taken, should be composed of the following ingredi­ents. A manly figure, mixed with the essence of good nature, and a quantum sufficit of un­derstanding. A few grains of volatile tinc­ture of youth, would be an essential im­provement.

I am that composition, Madam, and per­fectly adapted to the nature of your com­plaint. If a medicine of this kind should not be speedily administered, the disorder may become violent, and recourse must be had to refrigerents, evacuants, and annodynes. The diet too should be cooling and light; such as whey and vegetables. Bleeding is proper, and should be often repeated, especially if the pulse be strong and quick. Cathartics, such as cremor. tart. with rad. jalap. sal. cathart. amar. tamarind. mann. elect. lenit. with nitre dissolved in whey, &c.

You see, Madam, that I am as well ac­quainted with the treatment proper for the amorous, as the iliac passion. I ought in­deed to understand the science of medicine, having been regular trained to it in all its stages. I served seven years to a farrier, during which time I acquired a perfect knowledge of the structure of a horse, and [Page 69] the most effectual methods of combating the diseases incident to that noble animal.

At the expiration of my apprenticeship, I walked the Hospitals, as it is generally term­ed, but not as a regular pupil, who pays a valuable consideration for being permitted to attend medical and chirurgical operations. When an opportunity presented itself, I mix­ed with others, and stole as much knowledge and experience, as would have cost a con­siderable sum, had I proceeded in the regular mode.—At length, thinking myself fully qualified as a physician, both for man and horse, I deserted the hospitals, and without further ceremony, took a shop in a very re­spectable neighborhood; put up, in gold letters over the door, Peter Potion, Surgeon and Apothecary; and for some hours in the day, amused myself with thumping the pestle in the mortar. This continual sound of business, together with a fine chemical and galenical exhibition at the window, soon produced some real patients.

Having picked up a few old volumes on medicine and surgery; such as Heister, Astrue, Sharp, Hunter, and Le Dran; I ventured to undertake any case however difficult, and generally by the assistance of those authors, performed a cure or at least gave such medi­cines as afforded a palliation. To some, however, I fear I gave a passport to the other [Page 70] world; but I have the consolation to think that I exerted my best endeavors, and the best physician could have done no more. The most eminent of the faculty are often obliged to work in the dark, and consequent­ly whether they kill or cure, must depend merely upon accident.

Becoming a little established in business, I conceived an idea of inventing a few nos­trums. Being, as I before observed, a regu­lar practitioner, I could not bear to behold a parcel of empiries lolling in their coaches; many of whom had been shoemakers, black­smiths, or the most menial mechanics; I therefore ushered into the world, with the greatest dispatch imaginable, a Cephalalgi [...], or powder for the headach▪ and a plaister for the destruction of corns. Thus, by laying a tax upon the two extremes of mankind, the head and the feet, I presently found myself in a situation to enable me to imitate the other nostrum mongers, and set up a mo [...] elegant carriage.

Encouraged by a series of successful events, I came to the resolution of purchasing a diploma, and be constituted in reality a doc­tor in medicine. I applied to the universi­ty of A—, and for the moderate sum of fourteen guineas, purchased as complete a diploma for that purpose, as could be obtain­ed [Page 71] at Oxford or Cambridge, by eleven years academical residence.

Possessed of such excellent materials for puffing, I got my diploma translated into English, printed the substance of it on the papers which inclosed my nostrums, and took such other steps to acquaint the world with my real dignity, that I am now consid­ered as one of the first physicians in the metropolis.

I have projected some other general medi­cines, which will, in a short time, be re­spectfully presented to the public. Particu­larly, a lotion to promote dentition; an otalgiac powder for the cure of the earach; and a balsamic tincture for the heartach; the last of which I fear I must have recourse to my­self, unless you condescend to notice this epistle, and express a willingness to partake of my good fortune.

I have forgot to observe to you, Madam, that I once had a specific for the gout, which is the only article of mine that has not been attended with success. It happened unlucki­ly that, during the time of my advertising that medicine, I was laid up with a severe arthritic fit. This got wind, and my speci­fic became a mere drug; the public very judiciously observing, that, had I actually possessed an infallible remedy for such an [Page 72] excruciating disorder, I certainly should have found leisure to administer it to myself.

The wisest of us, Madam, are sometimes off their guard; and, in that single instance, I admit that my prudence was not properly displayed.

My chariot waits for me, Madam, or you would have found a tedious correspondent, in

LETTER XIX. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

I CONGRATULATE you, my Louisa, on your new acquisition; and I con­gratulate the inhabitants in your vicinity▪ on their having a man among them so capa­ble of discerning merit, and so susceptible of the tender passion under its proper influ­ence.

I am pleased at the encomiums you have bestowed on your ingenuous swain; but the [Page 73] choice he has made is a sufficient eulogium on him; a volume of panegyric cannot so effectually display his taste, his understand­ing, and his discernment, as his taking the earliest opportunity of tendering his hand and heart to my Louisa.

The naivete and simplicity of his manner, on a first interview, are highly characteristic of his sensibility. Who could approach so much excellence, for the first time, without the greatest agitation and perturbation of mind?—None but the ignorant and the in­different. But, according to your own re­lation, how rapid were his advances from timidity to a proper degree of confidence, and from confidence to courage. He is indeed a jewel, and requires but little polishing.

I am not displeased, Louisa, that you ac­knowledge Mr. Graham possesses a little cor­ner of your heart. You admit that he is not indifferent to you; and that you "expect," and even " hope," that his second visit will not be long delayed.

Ah! my dearest girl, you must now be numbered among the wounded.—You must no longer declare yourself impregnable. Happy am I to find, however, that he who inflicted the wound, can administer a cure; from him proceed the poison and the antidote.

I am entirely of your opinion, Louisa, that appearances are to be preserved; for the malignant tongue of slander is ever voluble, [Page 74] and where any action will admit of two con­structions, the worst is sure to be adopted.

You doubtless expect a catalogue of those lovers, who have made me a tender of their services since my last. They would make collectively, a most excellent groupe, and furnish great scope for the genius of a Bunbu­ry. The first upon the list is the most ill fated mortal that ever has existed since the days of Adam, and pleads his misfortunes as a kind of claim to my compassion; not con­sidering what the poet has advanced—

But, with all becoming deference to Dr. Young, this observation is more poetical than just. It comes, however, with propriety from the lips of an avaricious father, who recommends a fortunate lover to his daugh­ter, and pointedly exclaims against a suitor whom she approves, merely on account of his misfortunes; though, in other respects, the former is much inferior to the latter.

My next correspondent is really a pleas­ant fellow. His letter extorted several hearty laughs from me in the perusal of it. He as­sumes the name of Stanza and mentions several literary productions in which he is an assistant. He ridicules, in a fine vein of [Page 75] humor, the contrivances of the editors of newspapers, to amuse and entertain their readers. His satire on particular manoeuvres is equally just and entertaining, and his pro­jected plan of a new paper, is mentioned with great pleasantry.

A Quaker is the next upon the list, who, after abusing me in the affected style of that ridiculous tribe, clumsily offers to embellish his beaver with a button, rather than not be admitted one of the candidates for my per­son.

A Baronet, presuming on his title, attacks me with some effrontery; but I shall treat him with the negligence he merits.

An Undertaker next addresses me, who, from his own discription of himself, is cer­tainly an original character. I may, perhaps, condescend to answer his letter, and appoint an interview; but it will be only to afford amusement for the hour.

A Quack Doctor is, to me, a most detest­able character; and the epistle which I have received from one of that description, con­firms me in the opinion I have always enter­tained of that baneful fraternity. He has meanly purchased of the mercenary college of A—, a doctor's diploma, the better to enable him to proceed upon his medical farce, and impose upon mankind. It was well said by a certain wag, speaking of that [Page 76] university, that though it was poor now, it would get rich by degrees.

I have this day received a visit from one of my epistolary candidates, in consequence of a permission under my sign manual. It was my clerical suitor, Mr. Proby; and real­ly he appears to be in all respects, a gentle­man. Taking example by you my Louisa, I shall relate the conversation that past between us, according to the best of my recollection, by way of dialogue.

I think myself particularly honored, Mad­am, by the partial selection you have made in my favor, among a multiplicity of suitors who have doubtless troubled you with their addresses. I have to intreat your pardon, Madam, in the first place, for having pre­sumed to arraign your conduct respecting the advertisement.

That your remonstrances proceeded from the best of motives, is not to be doubted; and they came with singular propriety from a gentleman of your cloth. The step I have taken, will be supposed, by many, to be the effect of levity, and deserving of the severest reprehension; but, be assured, Sir, my in­tention was perfectly inoffensive; and what­ever aspersions this conduct of mine may have drawn upon me, I prefer my honor to [Page 77] my life, and would sooner resign the lat­ter, than suffer the former to receive the slightest blemish.

Madam, I believe you. So amiable a countenance proclaims a purity of heart.

You are pleased to compliment me, Sir.

Not in the least, Madam. You have too recently had a sample of my plain dealing, to suppose me an adept in the school of flattery. I speak, Madam, the sentiments of my soul, when I declare to you that I think you one of the loveliest of your sex.

Your are too lavish, Sir, in your encomi­ums.

It is not in my power, Madam, to express half what I conceive of your person and perfections. Sorry am I to reflect that I have treated so much excellence with oppro­brious censures.

You have my free pardon, Sir.

Such generosity, whilst it reflects addition­al lustre on your conduct, gives me the keener anguish for my offence. Gladly would I wish to expiate, by the attentions [Page 78] and assiduities of a whole life, a crime so wanton and unprovoked.

If I understand you right, Sir, you have not any preferment in the church.

None, Madam.

You are neither a rector, nor a vicar?

An humble curate, Madam, at your ser­vice.

I sincerely wish you had a good living.

For your sake, Madam, I wish I had a mitre. I might then venture, with some degree of confidence, to express my affect­ion for you, and solicit a return; but my poverty teaches me humility, and I dare not presume to ask what would infalliably be refused.

Perhaps, Sir, you may be mistaken.

When I consider my situation, I am a­mazed at my own effrontery, in daring to hint at terms of matrimony with a lady of your fortune and endowments; but as I have proceeded thus far, I will still go far­ther. Suffer me, therefore, Madam, with [Page 79] the greatest deference and respect, to ask you, if you will permit my future visits? If you refuse to grant my request, which I acknowledge to be an unreasonable one, I must submit to the sentence with resignation —If you hesitate, I will not despair—but, if you comply, I shall deem myself the hap­piest of mankind.

If chance, at any time, should bring you to this quarter of the town, you are wel­come to call at my house, and rest yourself after walking.

My best thanks are due to you, Madam, for such unparalleled generosity.

Such, my Louisa, was the conversation between me and my young sprig of divinity; when, after a few compliments of course, he bowed and took his leave.

He is really a very handsome fellow; and, had he not quite so much gravity and formality, would stand very forward in my esteem. But, like your timid lover, I ex­pect him to improve, and should not won­der at finding him a perfect rattle after he has received two or three audiences.

Should he happen to be the man of my choice, promotion in the church may be ob­tained for him upon very moderate terms. Other genteel and lucrative employments, [Page 80] are purchased at a more extravagant rate, because they are suitable to every man; but ecclesiastical preferments can be enjoyed on­ly by ecclesiastics.

His having no fortune is not displeasing to me, as I have sufficient of my own. Be­sides, my uncle is the patron of a living of five hundred a year, and the present incum­bent is upwards of eighty. This is no very distant prospect; and I know I can procure it for him without any difficulty.

You requested a long epistle from me, and so far you certainly are gratified; but whether it will contribute to your amuse­ment or information, is a matter which ex­ercises my hopes and fears.

A new comedy has just appeared at Co­vent Garden theatre. A Baronet's lady confesses herself the author of it; but she has not acquired that reputation from it which she expected. It abounds with indelicate allusions, and double entendres bordering on obscenity. It is to be lamented that the ladies have taken greater latitudes than the men in these particulars; especially those who have figured in the dramatic walk; as Mrs. Behn, Mrs. Centlivre, Mrs. Cowley, &c.

This observation will almost justify the assertion of the poet, that,

[Page 81]I long to be made acquainted with the second conference between you and your northern swain. Suppress not a single syllable, for I feel myself much interested in the success of that negociation.

As the abilities of some senators are rated according to the length of their speeches, why should not epistolary productions be decided on in the same manner? On that principle, I have wrote you a very excellent letter, because it is a very long one.

LETTER XX. LOUISA LENOX, TO BELINDA BLACKET.

YOU encourage me, Belinda, by your encomiums on my lover, to cherish a partiality in his favor. He is indeed a val­uable youth, and daily advances in my esteem. Permit me, however, to thank you, in the strongest terms, for your extraordina­ry compliment, in estimating Mr. Graham's [Page 82] abilities by the judicious choice he had made.

I thank you for the supplemental cata­logue of your suitors—What a curious groupe! May you select, from such a med­ley of characters, a person worthy of you! May your young sprig of divinity, bloom forth, and become a respectable branch!— You certainly have a penchant for him; and, if you can overlook his deficiency of fortune, in other respects he appears to de­serve a preference in your esteem.

After entreaties many times repeated, I consented to accompany my swain to his father's house, where elegance and hospital­ity appeared conspicuous. I was received and entertained like a divinity, and intro­duced to Mr. Graham's sister, a young lady of most amiable manners, but had been se­verely treated by that merciless destroyer of fine faces, the small pox. She was perfect­ly accomplished, sang well, played delicate­ly on the harpsichord, and was inimitably excellent in various kinds of needle work.

After passing a most agreeable day, I was conducted home by my swain, in his phae­ton. On my return, we had a tete a tete; when I received further proofs of the sincerity of his professions, and the amiableness of his disposition in the following conversation.

[Page 83]

To convince you, my dear Madam, that I am not a mercenary lover, I will not even ask you the amount of your fortune, or whether you have any at all; and to prove the ex­tent of my passion beyond the power of words, I freely and voluntarily offer to make such a settlement on you as you shall desire, consistent with my present possessions, which are indeed very considerable.

But tell me, Sir, what you expect in re­turn for so liberal and generous an offer?

Yourself, Madam.

But should you hereafter alter your opin­ion, and think you have purchased me at too dear a rate, you will then repent of having taken so inconsiderate a step, and wonder at your folly.

Never, Madam, never. Louisa is too cheaply purchased with all that I am pos­sessed of; which, thank heaven! is a clear two thousand pounds a year. I must ever remain your debtor; for your person and affections overbalance my fortune, to an ex­tent almost infinite.

Would I could entertain so good an opin­ion of myself.

[Page 84]

Your humble opinion of yourself my dear Madam, enhances your perfections.— With a modest diffidence, you seem insen­sible of your own attractions▪ though they are acknowledged and approved by an ad­miring world.

Little did I expect, in this remote corner of the world, to have met with so much honor, generosity, and politeness. But virtue is the growth of every clime. Even the ster­ile regions of the north, have produced a man the most amiable that I have ever seen.

Your approbation of my conduct, Mad­am, raises me in my own estimation; for, what you approve, cannot be destitute of merit.

But can it be supposed that your venera­ble father would consent to your bestowing your hand on so improper an object? Can it be possible that he should not object to your union with a woman without a fortune, when there are many in affluence who would think themselves happy to receive your o­vertures?

My father is no stranger to your person and deserts. The old gentleman is almost [Page 85] as anxious as myself for the alliance. There can be no impediment but of your own creating. Suffer me, therefore, to hope that you will not long delay my happiness.— Your fiat makes me miserable or happy for ever.

I cannot be insensible to so much good­ness; but suffer me to deliberate on a mat­ter of such importance.

Deliberation, Madam, appears unneces­sary; but your will shall ever be a law to me, as sacred as the statutes of the Medes and Persians, irrevocable!—But, afford me some consolation.—Permit me to hope that you will not abandon me.

You are entitled, Sir, to my best wishes; but be not too precipitate—you have a claim upon my gratitude, I had almost said an interest in my heart—But I cannot pre­vail upon myself to give you a definitive answer.

May I then hope that you will think fa­vorably of me?

You may do more, Sir—you may expect it.

[Page 86]

For the present then, I will be satisfied. But when shall I know farther? Believe me, Madam, I am on the rack. My impatience is not to be expressed.

In a few months you shall know my de­termination.

Months! Talk not of months, or weeks, my dear Louisa! Tell me how many days I am to continue in suspense.

You shall soon be satisfied.

How soon?

As soon as possible.

Shall it be tomorrow?

That cannot be. Excuse me, Sir, but, were I ever so much inclined to listen to your proposals, delicacy, and even decency, requires a reserved conduct on a treaty of this nature, from a woman who wishes to escape the censures of the world. It is not enough that I am sensible of the rectitude of my own conduct; but even appearances [Page 87] are to be preserved, or it is impossible to avoid calumny.

Your prudence is commendable, my Louisa; but it is rather cruel that I should be so great a sufferer merely for the sake of etiquette.

Let me entreat you to have a little patience —Give me but a month.

Agreed, though it exceeds a year in my calendar.

Now, Sir, let me hope you are satis­fied.

I must submit, my Louisa, as it is your pleasure; but I will visit you, as the divine Shakespeare says, "Every day in the hour."

I never shall complain of the length or frequency of your visits.

I thank you for such gracious condescen­sion, and shall exercise the privilege you have honored me with, in its utmost lati­tude.

[Page 88]Am not I, Belinda, a fortunate girl, to be so eminently distinguished by so valuable a youth! He took his leave of me with as much reluctance, as if a soul was separating from the body; and bade me, adieu with such a grace, that I was [...]mored with him.

You see how impatient and how importu­nate he is to have the connubial rites per­formed, which are indissolubly to unite our fates: You see with what difficulty I have obtained a respite of only a single month. I almost wish it had been but for a fortnight; and unfortunately it happens to be one of the longest months in the year, consisting of thirtyone tedious days▪ I wish the alteration of the Calendar had not taken place till now, for I would thankfully have parted with el­even days, and should have thought myself much obliged to the legislature for restoring the Julian method of regulating time.

You may imagine, my dear Belinda, by my raving, that the little winged deity has pointed his arrow at my breast, and has pen­etrated it at least skin deep. Indeed I feel myself vulnerable, and can no longer boast of my insensibility; which you know, Lou­isa, I have often done in your presence; but I had not then seen Mr. Graham.

Positively, Belinda, I think I shall be married before you. My spark has no [Page 89] competitor. I have not, like you, a multi­tude to select from; nor do I wish to pro­caastinate, for the earth cannot produce a man more worthy of my affections than Mr. Graham.

I must again postpone my description of this country and its inhabitants; which I am sure, your goodnature will readily ex­cuse, when you consider how deeply I have been engaged on my own private concerns. My mind has been so much agitated, as to disqualify me for a mere narrator of com­mon circumstances and events.

But—Mr. Graham is arrived!—I see the dear youth entering at the gate!—Excuse me then, Belinda, for abruptly concluding my epistle—Next to Mr. Graham I prefer my dear Belinda to all the world; and she must pardon me for the exception. I expect the young clergyman to supplant me in the same manner in the affections of Belinda. I wish, however, always to preserve the second place in her esteem; being well convinced that she will, at all times, possess that prefer­ence in mine.

Adieu, my dear Belinda—write me long epistles, and write often—communicate to me every particle of intelligence, respecting yourself, and the amiable young man whom you so deservedly esteem. Every thing [Page 90] that concerns Belinda, cannot but [...] [...] esting to her

LETTER XXI. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

YOUR letter, my Louisa, delighted me exceedingly. Happy am I to be in­formed of your certain prospect of an union with a man, who has every thing to bestow that can constitute real bliss. Youth, an agreeable person, brilliant parts, unaffected case, good nature, and a large estate.

Happy am I also to find that you ac­knowledge yourself wounded by the shaft of the amorous deity. Your expressing sorrow for the length of the month, clearly points out your situation, and that the ar­row has dealt a deadly stroke. Apropos, Louisa—I have contrived a method of lop­ping off three days, which to a lover as far gone as you are, is a little age.—Suppose [Page 91] you make it a Lunar instead of a Calendar month? Drop a hint of that kind to your much loved swain, and be assured he will take the benefit of it.

Pray, my Louisa, how much do you think you are indebted to me for annihilat­ing three whole days?—But, whenever I can serve or oblige you, the satisfaction it affords me is a sufficient recompense.

But, now to my own affairs—I was in high spirits yesterday, and much disposed to mirth, and therefore, merely pour passar les temps, and enjoy a little diversion, I sum­moned another of my suitors to appear before me; and when I inform you that it was Mr. Patrick MacGregor, you will pro­bably be surprised; but there was so much laughable absurdity in the letter he was pleased to honor me with, that I expected to have been greatly entertained with his con­versation.

His entre was rather more familiar than re­spectful, and the following dialogue ensued.

Your humble sarvant, Madam: I have not had a wink of sleep all night till ten o'clock this morning, for thinking of the honor you have done me by fixing your mind upon me. I was graitly plaised to find that you was over head and ears in love [Page 92] with me, before you had sat eyes upon my parson?

You are much mistaken, Mr. MacGregor, if you suppose me to be in love with you at present.

Then when will you be in love with me.

I am incapable of answering that ques­tion.

Well, only set your time, Madam, and be punctual; and you shall find that I will be in love with you at the same time.

That would be very obliging indeed, Sir.

Fix upon the day, Madam, if you plaise, and you shall find me as punctual and sar­tain as the weather. I never forgets an ap­pointment, unless it happens to slip my memory. Fix upon the day, Madam, if you plaise.

What think you of the thirty first of Feb­ruary?

That day is a long way off, Madam.

[Page 93]

Your observation is extremely just.

When I took the trouble of writing to you, Madam, you must remember if you don't forget, that I told you my father would be very rich when he died, and that all his fortune was to succeed to me, besides several grait estates. Now, as the Undertaker has given him over, and he won't live any lon­ger (like a good craiture as he is) long life to the son of his mother!

I really am shocked at your behavior, Mr. MacGregor. How can you mention the loss of a parent with such seeming uncon­cern?

If I was dead, like my father, I shold be sorry for it, and cry and weep, and all that —but, by the holy Shannon, a man must be a fool to grieve for being alive, and having the possession of a large estate left him in reversion.

Well, Mr. MacGregor, I would not wish to detain you. You'll remember the thir­ty first of February?

That I will, Madam, for sartain.

[Page 94]

Give me leave to wish you a good day, Mr. MacGregor.

Excuse me, fair lady, for I never take laive till I am gone. I don't like to be turn­ed away, d'ye see, except I go voluntarily. I wish you a good day, too, Madam; but that is no raison why I should not stay to enjoy the pleasure of your company, if it is only out of spite for your wanting me to be gone.

You seem angry, Sir.

I generally am, Madam, when I am dis­plaised. You sent a letter to me to ax me to come and see you, and now you wish me a good day; which is as much to say, in plain English, that my absence is more a­greeable to you than the pleasure of my com­pany.

I beg your pardon, Sir if I have inad­vertently offended you, and hope you will continue with me as long as you choose.

I'll continue with you longer than I choose, if I like it. By St. Patrick, I think myself very ill used with your botheration!

[Page 95]

Be pacified, Mr. MacGregor. On my honor, I had not the least intention to of­fend you.—Will you be pleased to draw nearer the fire?

Now, Madam, since you are so poltie and all that, every thing past and to come shall be buried in oblivion, and you shall find me a devilish good fellow for the fu­ture. Give me laive, Madam, to examine your face and eyes, becaise, you know, I am a candidate for your hand.

You really stare me out of countenance, Mr. MacGregor.

How can I discover your charms with­out seeing them? By the baird of my moth­er, you have got the sweetest wrinkle in the upper part of the middle of your forehead, that I ever saw with all my eyes.

You are not very gallant. Mr. MacGre­gor, to point out a lady's blemishes.

A blemish, do you call it!—a blemish, indeed! No, Madam; belaive me, there are ten hundred or a thousand Cupids, lurking [Page 96] in that charming wrinkle, armed with cut­lashes and bludgeons to knock down unwary passengers, open their chests, and steal a­way their hearts.

A very pretty allegory, Mr. MacGregor! —A very poetical conceit!

You have as good eyes, Madam as ever appeared in a pair of sockets. I like them becaise they do not blaze and sparkle like one of the new patent lamps. Some eyes look at you as if they would ait you up at a mouthful; but give me an eye like your's, that has not so much fire and brimstone in it.

If you are so lavish of your compliments, Mr. MacGregor, I shall entertain too high an opinion of myself. Now you have done with my eyes, what think you of my eye­brows?

They are two very fine eliptical semicircular arches, and the color of them suits me to a hair. They are as regular and as smooth as the down upon the skin of a badger.

How much am am I indebted to you, Mr. MacGregor, for so flattering a descrip­tion of me!

[Page 97]

Excuse me, Madam, for not being able to spaik in commendation of your nose. I like a wide nose that is almost as broad as the face, and as flat as a flounder, such as they wear on the other side of the water in Africa and Guinea. Your's is a little thin narrow bit of a thing, and sticks out like a what-d'ye-call 'em of a sun dial.

Now, Sir, I begin to suppose that you are in earnest; you dealt so much in panegyric before, that I began to doubt of your sin­cerity: But I am now perfectly satisfied.

Your lips, Madam, have a fine blush upon their cheeks, like vermillion and red ochre. I wish, Madam, you would let me have a taiste of them, by way of sample and speciment.

Not till the day appointed.

Well then, my dair Madam, as I am now resolved to go and laive you immaidiately, I have a grait mind not to stay any longer. So I must put off your teeth and chin till our next merry meeting; when I main to have a touch upon your neck and breast.

[Page 98]Just as he had finished these words, he rose from his seat, bowed, and departed.

Oh! my Louisa, what have I endured in the presence of that Hibernian monster! When I permitted, or rather invited, him to come, I thought he would entertain me a little with his absurdity, and that I could get rid of him at pleasure; but I soon per­ceived my error, and was so alarmed and shocked at his behavior, that I knew not how to act. At length, by soothing him, and complying, in some respects, with his humor▪ the brute thought proper to depart; and I shall take special care▪ by changing my place of residence, that he never shall be able to pay me a second visit, except on the thirtyfirst day of February, according to my jocular appointment.

This adventure, Louisa, will almost deter me from permitting any of my other candi­dates to approach me, except the clerical stripling which I have already seen. He is, indeed, a youth of amiable manners and disposition, and one for whom I have con­ceived a great esteem; as I have already in­formed you.

But, notwithstanding the insults I receiv­ed from MacGregor, and the terror I en­dured lest he should proceed to disagreeable extremities. I am half inclined to give an audience to Mr. Stanza; a character which [Page 99] I mentioned to you in one of my epistles. If I can form any judgment from his letter, he is perfectly inoffensive; and as he ap­pears to know the world, I doubt not but he will be entertaining.

Whether I see Mr. Stanza, or Mr. Proby, or whether I am a party in any other ap­pointment or engagement, every particular worthy of relating, shall be transmitted to you; in return for which I expect to be informed of every thing that concerns you.

LETTER XXII. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

I THANK you, my Belinda, for the three days which you have cut off between me and happiness. As you predicted I gave the hint, and the worthy youth improv­ed it.

[Page 100]I trembled for you, when I perused the dialogue between you and MacGregor, and could perceive, from your cautious and guarded answers to his insolence and absurd­ity, that you were much terrified. From your description of the fellow in a former letter, I thought him absurd and inoffensive; but it appears, upon trial, that he is a strange mixture of malignity and whim. His sar­casms terrify me, but his absurd oddities divert me. Never suffer him to approach you more.

You must be expeditious, or I shall set you an example, instead of waiting to be a follower. My aunt with whom I have now taken up my residence, and who is my near­est relation now living, highly approves and encourages the proposed match, well know­ing that such an alliance would be, in all respects, honorable and advantageous to our family.

Mr. Graham has no idea of my having any fortune; but I mean to surprise him, by presenting it to him on the day that our nuptials are celebrated. I think I need not now inform you how much it is, having, I well remember, already mentioned the sum to you. Instead of three thousand pounds, would it were fifty.

I flatter myself that Mr. Graham will not have made an improper or disadvantageous [Page 101] match, when all expectancies are taken into consideration. My aunt's fortune is very considerable, and I am her next heir; but, what is still of greater consequence, I am her only favorite.

How solid, serious and thoughtful am I grown, since I have formed a resolution of altering my condition. Upon all manner of subjects. I debate with as much formality and seeming sagacity as my aunt, and de­liberate on the consequences that may prob­ably ensue in certain situations.

In short, I am ceasing to be girlish, and am willing to put on the woman, in every acceptation of the word. Be not surprised, therefore my Belinda, at the gravity of my future epistles.

I had a most delightful tete a tete, yester­day evening, with my amiable suitor. If possible, he every successive day appears more worthy of my esteem, I had almost said of my warmest affections. The following dialogue, taken verbatim, will fully con­vince you that my prospect of happiness is beyond my most sanguine expectations.— Heaven grant that it may be realized!

Well, my Louisa, though time moves heavily, it will at length arrive at the hap­py period! But why so mechanically punc­tual to the day proposed? Why not ap­point [Page 102] an earlier day for removing my anx­iety.

You must have been convinced, Mr. Gra­ham, that our affections are reciprocal; you must have discovered, in a thousand instances, that you are not an object of my indifference: Nor would I wish any longer to conceal from you▪ that your unbounded generosity first demanded my gratitude, and gratitude is ripening into a sublimer passion. An affected reserve and coyness, would be difficult for me to assume; nor can I think it departing from decorum to be ingenuous. I acknowledge your triumph over me, and glory in your victory. Van­quished by virtue, I yield without repin­ing.

Amiable girl! On how firm a basis have you established my hopes! I flattered my­self▪ even before this kind, this candid dec­laration, that I was not wholly indifferent to you; but I can now look forward, with a degree of certainty, to the moment which will cement our hearts and fortunes. Suf­fer me, my dear Louisa, to propose an alter­ation respecting our lunar agreement. In­stead of giving me a definitive answer on that day, as therein covenanted, give me the definitive answer now, and let that day [Page 103] (alas! too distant for my impatience) be fixed on for the solemnization of our nup­tials.

How pressing, and how impatient!

Say rather, my Louisa, how deliberate, and how ceremonious!

Permit me to consult my aunt, Sir, before you have my final answer.

To that, my dear, I have not the least ob­jection.

In her you have a strong advocate Mr. Graham. Her advice and solicitations have much accelerated the conclusion of this treaty. It is therefore probable that she would recommend a compliance with your terms, provided I did not throw in a caveat against them.

Which I entreat you not to do.

I will not, on my honor.

Now, my Louisa, I rank myself among the happiest of mankind. From this mo­ment I shall consider our faith as plighted to [Page 104] each other, and that we actually are (cere­mony excepted) cemented by the most ex­alted tie, the union of hearts. I shall make immediate application to some gentlemen of the bar, to prepare a proper settlement for my Louisa, in which blanks shall be left open to be filled up at her discretion; for I detest the idea of stipulating with a woman I adore. She knows the extent of my for­tune, and she shall have uncontroled liberty to make such a provision for herself as she shall approve. I have only to add, that nothing will give me more displeasure than to shew an illtimed delicacy upon this occa­sion. It will imply a doubt that I am not actuated by the most generous principles, and that my liberality is not as unbounded as my love.

But, Sir, it you suppose me actuated by the same principles, and such a supposition would be but doing me justice, I must de­cline every act that would pronounce a mercenary disposition. If you, to convince me of your affection and generosity, are lib­eral to excess; my acceptance of such lib­erality, would betray a want of affection in me, and a sordid ungenerous mind. Besides I have too high an idea of your probity and virtue, to suppose that you can ever submit to act dishonorably, merely because there are [Page 105] not skins of parchment to oblige you to a contrary conduct. In short, Mr. Graham, I cannot prevail upon myself to agree to the humiliating terms which you have offered. I have a spirit as liberal as your own, and, if I have not affluence to enable me to confer favors, I have the generosity to refuse them, when they are presented to me unmerit­ed.

Your arguments, my dearest girl, are too refined. I admire the nobleness of your disposition, and the delicacy of your feel­ings. But consider how infinitely I am your debtor, and how inadequate my whole for­tune is, to make any thing like a compensa­tion for so much beauty and perfection.

I must persist in my resolution to decline your generous offer; therefore let us change the conversation. Have you heard of an anecdote respecting a clergyman of our par­ish?

Nothing to his disadvantage, I hope!

No, it certainly was to his advantage; for he was a gainer by the transaction. But I shall hereafter pay little attention to his doctrine: Precept, when not supported by [Page 106] example, is a kind of mockery of religion and morality.

But, to the point, my dear Louisa, if you please.

The inhumanity of the tale will shock you.

Should it be a tale of woe, I fear it will produce a sigh from thy sympathetic heart.

This parish, you know, is pretty extensive▪ and as Mr. Norton, our rector, was taking a ride near a remote corner of it, a sudden shower of rain obliged him to seek for shel­ter; a poor female cottager, seeing his dis­tress, invited him into her humble mansion. He accepted her invitation, seated himself by the fire, and after many earnest entreaties from the poor but hospitable dame partook of a rasher of her bacon. Mr. Norton's horse was, at the same time, conducted to a hovel, rubbed down, and plentifully refreshed with hay and corn. Whilst this reverend cler­gyman was so cheerfully and generously en­tertained by the good hostess, he observed, through a window which opened into a lit­tle orchard at the back part of the house, a sow attended by several pigs; and the pigs [Page 107] were just of a proper age for the spit: Struck by so tempting an appearance, his reverence asked the honest cottager if the sow and pigs belonged to her? She answered in the affirm­ative, when he humanely told her he was entitled to one of those pigs and should send his servant for it in the afternoon. The dame pleaded a large family, and the ex­treme difficulty of providing for it; and concluded with entreating him to forego his claim. The doctor was not to be dissuaded from his purpose, he was peremptory in his demand, and actually sent for the pig as he had threatened.

Inhuman miscreant!

The woman shall not be a lose, she shall be satisfied for her pig, and the story shall be circulated over the adjacent country. To execute such severity, after having re­ceived the most generous treatment, is de­grading to humanity; and con [...]urable, in a much greater degree, in a man of his sacred function.

I am every day receiving fresh proofs of the purity of your heart, and the amiable­ness of your disposition. Every occurrence, of whatever nature it may be, draws forth [Page 108] some latent virtue, some hidden excel­lence.

No sooner had this compliment escaped the lips of my dearest youth, than he affec­tionately took his leave. Immediately after which, I had recourse to my pen, that I might not delay to communicate to my Be­linda, what I knew would afford her satis­faction.

Is not Mr. Graham one of the worthiest of his sex? Can I be blamed for acceding so expeditiously to his terms?—To the for­mer question, I know, you will answer in the affirmative, and to the latter in the neg­ative. It would have been unreasonable to have held out longer.

I think you may, without apprehension of danger, venture to admit Stanza—His pleasantry will divert you, and chace the ennui which your late visitor may have oc­casioned. Mr. Elmar, the undertaker, would I think, afford you a pleasant hour—he is indeed an original character.

Of Mr. Proby, I expect to hear much, in your next epistle. I wish he had more vi­vacity than he appears to possess—But it is difficult to determine upon a single inter­view. Adieu, my Belinda, and believe me ever

LETTER XXIII. MR. VARNISH, to BELINDA.

I WOULD advise you to advertise yourself for sale to the best bidder; you would find it a much better method of dis­posing of yourself than that which you have adopted. I am a sworn broker and auction­eer, and should be glad to be employed for that purpose. You may be sold by hand, by candle, or by auction, according to your own election. I should be happy to put you up, as I doubt not that you are a good com­modity, and will fetch a handsome price. But, to prevent your being knocked down for a mere trifle, we must engage a few puffers.

It will be necessary, however, that, for three or four days previous to the sale, no­tice should be given in the public prints, [Page 110] that you are to be seen and examined; for it cannot be supposed that any man will bid for a L [...]t, before he has seen and hand­led it.

It will be equally necessary that a striking description of your person should be print­ed, and circulated in all the Coffeehouses. I am particularly celebrated for displaying articles to advantage, and for exciting the attention and curiosity of the public. An address, something like the following, would probably have a proper effect—

"To be sold, by inch of candle, at Lloyd's Coffeehouse, a young Lady of character and distinction, free from blemish; and in per­fect condition. She moves gracefully, and is fine in figure. Her dam was the lady of a baronet, her grandam a baroness, and her great grandam a countess—Her pedigree in the male line, is equally respectable. She is as beautiful as the Venus de Medicis, as chaste as Lucretia, and as accomplished as Minerva. She is to be taken with all her faults, and five per cent is to be paid down by the purchaser. The remainder on the execution of the conveyance, which will be prepared with all convenient dispatch. She is to be seen and examined three days pre­vious to the sale, which will be particularly announced in all the public prints.

[Page 111]"N. B. The buyer must covenant to sup­port her like a gentlewoman; and make a settlement on her proportioned to her for­tune, which is considerable. None but gen­tlemen of fortune will be deemed compe­tent to become bidders for this valuable lot."

Something similar to the above, with prop­er variations according to the circumstan­ces, cannot fail of calling forth the attention of the curious, who will probably be anxious to become purchasers.

I shall charge only five per cent commis­sion, including the advertisements and other incidental expences. Terms so very mod­erate cannot surely be objected to, especially as the estate is only personal.

Being a bachelor, I shall have no objec­tion to treat with you privately for the lot; but if you are determined to have it decided by the candle or the hammer, I trust you will give me the preference. No man shall serve you with greater punctuality, dispatch and integrity.

Should you condescend to honor me with your commands, Madam, you may rely on my obedience. I have a prodigious flow of words, which is essentially serviceable to me in a line of business where so much oratory is required. I can talk for half an hour to­gether, upon nothing; and dwell as long [Page 112] upon the perfections of a pipkin, as on the finest productions of a Raphael or a Titian. A me [...]y mouthed fellow can never make a good auctioneer. Name me any man in the city (no matter for his riches or conse­quence in life) who can dwell upon a sub­ject like myself, or embellish it with half those flowers of rhetoric which I am master of. But, I hate to be my own panegyrist. It is not vanity, Madam, that induces me to make this flight mention of my superior abilities; but a desire of employing them in the service of so amiable a lady.

When you are exhibited, Madam, at the Coffeehouse, you will be astonished at the fine flourishes which I shall display upon the business. In short, Madam, I shall cram you down the throats of the audience: Par­don the vulgarity of the metaphor, Madam; and suffer the strength of the observation to apologize for its indelicacy.

By this time, Madam, I flatter myself that you will be convinced of my ability to render you essential service; and, believe me, Madam, my inclination shall accompa­ny my ability: But, Madam, as I am just going to mount my pulpit, to dispose of an elegant mansion, with suitable attached and detached offices, situated in a brilliant park, which is delightfully decorated with prolific [Page 113] fishponds, permit me to take my leave of you for the present.

LETTER XXIV. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

PREPARE yourself, Belinda, for a most alarming tale! How uncertain and in­secure are the pleasures and blessings of this life!—I, who but a few days ago thought myself the happiest of mortals, and that joy and bliss would constantly await me, have been plunged into the most agonizing and unutterable distress.

On Monday last, Mr. Graham passed the evening with me, and did not depart till it was unusually late. Finding the night advanced beyond his expectation, and un­willing to keep his servants from their rest, instead of walking, he ran home, This ex­ercise [Page 114] being more violent than what he had been accustomed to, a violent perspiration ensued, and after that a swimming in the head. The best medical advice that could be procured in that country, was obtained the next morning. The doctor pronounced the malady a malignant fever, and of that dangerous kind, that he could not flatter the sorrowful attendants; with any hopes of his recovery.

Think, my Belinda, of the shock I must have sustained, on receiving such direful intelligence. I hastened to his assistance, and administered to him all the comfort and consolation in my poor power. Growing worse every succeeding day, he expected a speedy dissolution, which, with tears in his eyes, he lamented, because it would sever him, he said, from his dear Louisa.

My concern for his situation, which was too poignant to be concealed, affected him much. The tenderness of his expressions but added to my affliction. He appeared, if possible, more amiable to me now than ever! But the thought of losing him planted dag­gers in my breast.

The physician, thinking his recovery not only doubtful, but almost impossible, re­quested he would settle his affairs. The dear youth, with apparent resignation, gave [Page 115] instructions for his will, which was accord­ingly prepared and executed.

Permit me to add, my Belinda, that I was the first legatee named in this last testa­ment. He bequeathed me a thousand pounds a year, and a sum of two thousand pounds to be paid me immediately after his decease.

This additional proof of the strength of his attachment to me, quite overcame me; I swooned, and fell senseless on the floor. The alarm occasioned by this accident, struck Mr. Graham like electricity. In spite of the violence of his disease, he rose in his bed, and wanted to come to my assistance, but the attendants prudently withheld him. The ex­ertion both of mind and body on this oc­casion, produced a crisis to his disease; from that moment, he gradually recovered, and is, now thank heaven! perfectly restored to health.

It may be necessary to observe, that, after my swoon, I was taken from the floor and conveyed to a bed in an adjacent room; nor was it till the afternoon of the next day, that my senses were returned.

But, as soon as reason reassumed her throne, I enquired, with fear and terror, af­ter my dear youth, and had the exalted hap­piness to be informed, that his recovery had been so rapid, that he was pronounced out of [Page 116] danger. The most enchanting music could not have so delighted my ears, as the heav­enly accents which conveyed to me the blessed intelligence!

I ran to the dear idol of my soul to have this vision realized, for I still dreaded that it was all delusion! But, (blessed be the Gods) the joyful news was true. As soon as he beheld me, he greeted me with a benign smile, expressive of the sweetness and com­placency of his nature, and of the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing me. I fell on my knees and thanked Heaven for his recov­ery!

It was a delightful embarrassment that I experienced! Gratitude, affection, joy, al­ternately were my ruling passions. It al­most astonishes me that my poor weak frame could support me under such a varie­ty of transports!

In a few days Mr. Graham's health was perfectly reinstated, and, with it, the rosy hue which embellishes his manly cheek.— Pardon me, my Belinda, if I express myself too warmly upon this interesting business— To be cool and tranquil upon such oc­casions, would certainly be criminal! I feel myself too much elevated to be a mere nar­rator. My transition from wretchedness to happiness, was as sudden, as it was unex­pected!

[Page 117]But, let me suffer my raptures, for the present, to subside. Remember, my dear Belinda, you are now two epistles in my debt. It is a debt of honor, and I expect to have it immediately discharged; but let it be at two separate payments, by two succes­sive mails.

During my tortures and distress, I hope you, and your man of the gown, have had a second interview. Nothing tragic, I hope, has befallen you, in your extensive line, as a lover—nothing that has given you uneasi­ness or alarm—for really, my Belinda, your mode of courtship is not without its dangers and inconveniences.

I am this moment going to take and air­ing with my dear man: The phaeton is waiting for us, therefore, for the present ex­cuse,

LETTER XXV. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

YOU expect from me Louisa, a letter of condolence and congratulation. I am extremely sorry for the sufferings you have endured, and I felicitate you on your relief from those sufferings. Your tender bosom must have been greatly agitated by the va­rious conflicts it has experienced; but I hope the severest trials are past, and that perfect tranquility may be speedily restored; for even the most pleasing passions of the soul, whilst they delight, do injury.

But, my Louisa, your delicate feelings are too susceptible—You have too much sympathising goodness, to taste tranquility when you behold others racked with torture or disappointment.

Notwithstanding the severity of your late sufferings, you rally me, with your usual pleasantry, on my young divine. Rally on, my Louisa! should you mention him in every line, you will not displease me.

[Page 119]More than once or twice since I last wrote to you, have I seen Mr. Proby; and I find him the most agreeable, the most deserving man I ever knew. He has▪ indeed, so firm­ly rooted himself in my affections, that I fear (or rather hope) he is not to be eradicated.

I abandon the thoughts of all my other correspondents. The grave ones cannot a­muse me, nor the ridiculous ones divert me. Indeed, as I hinted to you, I sum­moned my undertaker to appear before me, but he disappointed my expectations. In­stead of finding him a man of wit and whim, as I expected from his epistle, he was a pert, solemn coxcomb, as dull as he was pedan­tic. Stanzy was humorous and agreeable, and really entertained me much.

At present, however, Mr. Proby wholly occupies my thoughts. His person is ele­gant, his address pleasing, his character ir­reproachable; and though he modestly sup­pressed that circumstance, in the letter he honored me with, he is allied to a family of rank and great respectability.

I flatter myself that he entertains a pen­chant for me; nay, I am convinced of it. He has even made proposals to me in form, and I listened to them with respect. In short, we seem to be in a regular train, and advancing, step by step, to the hymeneal altar. I wish our proceedings were less [Page 120] gradual, and like yours, hastening to a hap­py conclusion.

Luckily, the rectory is now vacant of which my uncle has the advowsen; and con­sequently the right of presentation. I have acquainted that worthy relation of mine, with the overtures I have received from Mr. Proby, but without mentioning the origin­al cause; and he perfectly approves of him, after a minute investigation of his charac­ter and connexions. He has even promised, as an addition to my fortune, to present my intended to the living in his disposal, pro­vided an union should take place between us.

This generous offer I have communicat­ed to my reverened swain; which was high­ly gratifying to him, as it testified my con­sent, in the most unequivocal terms, to be­stow on him my hand.

Still, however, he laments that his situa­tion is so inadequate to mine, and express­es his fears that I should hereafter look on him in the light of an adventurer or fortune hunter. Though I approve of the delicacy of his observations, I endeavor to discour­age such suggestions.

I doubt not of his sincerity, when he as­sures me, as he often does in the most posi­tive terms that he should be happy to become mine, though I did not possess a shilling in [Page 121] the world; not doubting but his endeavors would at least procure a competence and happiness.

He wishes to settle the whole of my for­tune, which you know is considerable, up­on myself; but I reprobate such an idea; scorning to act a mercenary part with a man of so liberal a disposition, and a man who, I am convinced, loves me for myself alone.

He candidly acknowledges that at pres­ent, his chief clerical emoluments arise from a small curacy; and exclusive of that, he has only a fellowship in St. John's college, Oxford, which of course, terminates with his marriage.—But, what of that! He is a gentleman, in its most extensive acceptation, and, with a due estimation of his merits, I think him my superior.

Your opinion, my Louisa, upon a mat­ter of this importance, would be acceptable; and yet, if it did not concur with mine, I believe I should reject it; but, if it should, as I know you would give it me ingenuous­ly, it would afford me infinite satisfaction, and encourage me to proceed. At all events, however, favor me with your sentiments.

Though I am happy at having procured, by my advertisement, one worthy man, I la­ment that I have exposed myself to the sneers and insults of the malignant and the [Page 122] vulgar. In addition to the catalogue of char­acters, which I have already given you, an im­pertinent auctioneer has had the audacity to send me a letter, replete with derision and vulgarity. He impudently offers, his servi­ces to fell me by hand, by auction, or by inch of candle. Thank heaven these infamous fel­lows know nothing of me, but my christian name!

It pleases me exceedingly, my Louisa, that my uncle so well approves of the man of my choice; and he approves of him from a conviction of his deserts. Had there been a blemish in the character or conduct of Mr. Proby, my uncle's penetration would have discovered it; but they have stood the test of the severest examination, and he is pro­nounced immaculate.

You will perhaps accuse me of incohe­rency; and indeed, with justice you may accuse me: But indulgencies are allowable to persons in my situation—I had almost said to lovers. Though intent upon one object, they ramble from circumstance to circumstance, that ultimately tend to the same point.

I fear you will think me tedious, my Louisa; but, on so interesting a theme, you must excuse my prolixity. Our cases in­deed are somewhat similar, and no difficulty can occur in framing excuses for each other.

[Page 123]In one of your epistles, you mentioned purling streams, enamelled meadows, and amaranthine bowers. From such a speci­men of your abilities, as a pastoral writer, I expected soon to have received from you some picturesque description of the enviable state of happy lovers, interchanging vows beneath the fragrant jessamine, or breathing tender tales in a forest of woodbines; whilst the harmony of the feathered choir, as if celebrating the natal day of some neighbor­ing shepherdess, adds dignity and simplicity to the scene.

Are you not surprised, Louisa, that an inhabitant of the metropolis, like myself, pent up within the bills of mortality, should be able to form even a tolerable idea of rural matters? But all lovers delight in pas­toral prospects and descriptions.

Mr. Proby is this instant arrived; there­fore suffer me to take my leave,

P. S. After having finished this letter, a fresh packet of billetdoux arrived in con­sequence of the advertisement; but none of them I believe will make me change my re­solution respecting Mr. Proby.

LETTER XXVI. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

THE last post conveyed an epistle from Belinda to her friend Louisa; the sub­sequent mail contains dispatches from the same correspondent, and to the same respect­ed friend.

Wonder not Louisa, that I did not wait till I had received your answer to my last before I imposed another heavy task upon you. I hinted to you in the post script, that another large packet of letters had arrived from my dispersed lovers; but I have some further particulars to mention with regard to my new wooers. Not many of them are inhabitants of London, or its environs; many of them, indeed, reside at a consid­erable distance from the metropolis, as ap­pears by the place whence they are dated, as well as from the corroborating post­mark.

That these billets did not arrive sooner, is easily accounted for: Some days must have elapsed before the newspaper, in which [Page 125] my advertisement appeared, could have been circulated over the distant counties; a further delay must have been required, to enable my rural adorers to pen one of their best epistles; and no inconsiderable time was necessary to convey them from the re­spective towns and villages, to the grand centre of correspondence and communica­tion.

Upwards of one hundred and fifty propo­sals have I received by the general post, all franked by the payment of the postage; the revenue will therefore be somewhat enrich­ed in consequence of my singular project.

Had I not proceeded so far with Mr. Proby, I might doubtless have made a prudent choice among these new candidates.—Many of them appear to be comfortably situated, and independent; others candidly and in­genuously state their difficulties, as well as their prospects; but most of them exhibit strong traits of integrity and honor. To enable you to judge of the difference be­tween my London and country correspond­ents, I have enclosed those dispatches, which seem most to claim attention. Co­pies of my London declarations of love, you are already in possession of.

LETTER XXVII. HENRY HEATHFIELD, to BELINDA.

ENCOURAGED by your address to the public, I have ventured as an individu­al of that public to offer you my devoirs.— Supposing you in earnest, I take the liberty of informing you, that I am as willing as yourself to alter my condition.

I flatter myself that you can have no ob­jection to my situation; as I am far re­moved from poverty, and rather border up­on affluence. I have an estate of one hun­dred and thirty pounds a year, which I keep in my own hands, and manage in the most advantageous manner that I am able. Be­ing my own landlord, my stock or movea­bles can never be distrained for rent, a cir­cumstance which affords me no inconsidera­ble consolation.

But, though the soil is my own, as it con­sists principally of grazing land, some money [Page 127] is necessary to enable me to stock it as it ought to be. If I cannot purchase sheep and cattle to be fattened on that land, the emolu­ments which I shall derive from it will not support me, and much less a family: I am therefore inclined to think that your money, joined to my estate would place ev­ery thing upon a proper footing, and enable us to live comfortably and genteely. Per­haps, however, you may think differently: If you do, I must look out for some other worthy woman, who has got a few hun­dreds.

Till we agree about pecuniary considera­tions, I would not wish to have an inter­view. I am so sensible of the influence of beauty against my strongest resolutions, that all my cautions and stipulations must be exercised during the epistolary treaty.

Having mentioned my possessions, you will perhaps expect some account of my person, and such other particulars as are us­ually the topics of investigation, previous to an union of hands and fortunes.

I cannot send my picture, as my figure has never been delineated by a Reynolds, a Gainsborough, or any other artist. The following, however, are the genuine out­lines of my person, for I never flattered any man: I am rough and unpolished, as you may well imagine, having received my ed­ucation [Page 128] among the fens in Lincolnshire. I am just now entering my twentyfifth year; am about five feet eight inches in height; and rather thin than corpulent. I have a homely country face, with a dark brown head of hair, unfashioned by the hands of the frizzeur.

To you it may seem extraordinary that I cannot make a proper matrimonial connex­ion in my own country. Though this ob­servation might naturally occur to many persons, yet in this part of the world it is not applicable; except absolute paupers, here are but two classes of women, the rich and the middling. By the former I am con­sidered as infinitely their inferior, and any overtures of marriage made to any of them, would be pronounced an insult not to be forgiven; though, perhaps, in point of for­tune, I am equal with the greater part of them. To the other class, my pride will not suffer me to descend, as I should be un­happy with a woman wholly unaccomplish­ed; I would wish her to possess a cultivated mind.

That you are an object of attraction, I cannot doubt: With a becoming modesty, you acknowledge it. If you think me en­titled to your slightest notice, favor we with a line, to which I will render due obedi­ence.

[Page 129]I must do myself the justice to declare, that, though I am a plodding farmer, I have had the education of a gentleman. This in­formation is not given from motives of vanity, but to convince you that an alliance with me will be less a degradation to your family.

LETTER XXVIII. EPHRAIM STEER, to BELINDA.

I HOPE you will not engage yourself before Monday next, as I shall then attend Smithfield market in London. As soon as I have sold my bullocks there, I will meet you at any place you shall please to ap­point; [Page 130] and, if you and I can agree upon terms, I will be your chapman.

I never love to haggle over a bargain, but to be off or on, as a body may say, in the twinkling of an eye. If so be as you and I likes one another, why we will com­pare notes, and if every thing turns out right, well and good: If it does not, there's no harm done. Then you know you may keep your own money in your pocket, and that which I shall take for the beasts will be mine.

If you should happen to have disposed of yourself before I comes to London, pray send a line for me, to be left at the Bear and Ragged Staff Inn, in Smithfield, di­rected for Ephraim Steer. They knows me there.

LETTER XXIX. PETER TROTEUS, to BELINDA.

ACCEPT of me as a correspondent, in answer to your alluring advertisement. To shew what pretentions I have to a pref­erence in your choice, it may be necessary to mention who and what I am. That task, however, will be attended with some dif­ficulty, as I hardly know who and what I am myself, having been in such a variety of situations, during the short period that I have existed.

Having been pretty liberally educated, I was first apprenticed to a surgeon in the country; but I had too much timidity and tenderness in my disposition to arrive at any degree of eminence in that butcherly busi­ness; I therefore quitted it, and engaged in a trade equally sanguinary. My father purchased a pair of colors for me in a marching regiment, and with my scarlet uni­form, [Page 132] epaulette, and flaming cockade, I cut a most tremendous figure.

Feeling the consequence of a military character, I sometimes ventured to hector and bluster, among those whom I supposed had not a sufficient share of spirit to call me to an account for my insolent behavior. For a long time I enjoyed the reputation of valor, and was in hopes that no one would ever put my courage to the test. At length, however, I received a formal challenge, from a young gentleman whom I had insult­ed, and I did not feel myself bold.

I condescended to ask pardon in the most humiliating terms, but my petition was re­jected with contempt. What was to be done? I knew myself possessed of a natural mildness of disposition, and could not bear the thoughts of drawing blood from any human creature. I remonstrated with my antagonist, who also bore the king's com­mission, on the impropriety of exposing two military lives to danger, in consequence of a foolish private quarrel, when there was an appearance of their services being speed­ily required, to chastise the insolence of the enemies of their country.

These arguments, instead of abating, roused the rage of my challenger; he grew bold, in proportion as I exhibited signs of fear and trepidation.

[Page 133]He threatened to post me for a coward, if I would not meet him at a certain hour in Hyde Park; adding, that I might rely on finding him and his second there at the ap­pointed time.

Not wishing to purchase honor at the risque of my life, I soon came to a resolu­tion how to conduct myself in this business. I knew that, if I refused to fight my man, my military profession was no longer tena­ble. Instead of meeting the hero and his second, I went to a proper agent to find a purchaser for my commission.

My commission having been bought, I was permitted to dispose of it; but had it been given me, no such indulgence would have been permitted; I must have resigned with infamy.

I was not greatly chagrined at this occur­rence. Finding that a man of a forgiving turn of mind, was a despicable character a­mong soldiers, I was determined to enter into a line of life, where a man might dare to be a coward without becoming infamous. My next step was to qualify for the church. A few lessons from an old clergyman, with whom my father was acquainted, enabled me to rub up my Latin and Greek, and I found no great difficulty in getting ordain­ed.

[Page 134]Here I indulged my talent for declama­tion without control, and without danger of murder or assassination. I declared instant war against Satan and his ministers; and made it, for [...]e time, my whole study to blacken those characters, though they never had offended me. I knew myself perfectly safe, in this kind of scandal and abuse, as I had no apprehensions of a summons to Hyde Park.

My salary as a curate, for I never had either rectory or vicarage, was about equal to the pay I had received as an ensign; and I had some casual extra fees on performing certain ceremonies annexed to my clerical function. I now thought myself happy and independant; but, hearing that many clerical gentlemen had worked themselves into a good fat living by abusing the minis­try, I set to work immediately; and, if a­buse is worthy of a reward in proportion to its rancor, I ought at least to have had a mitre.

I proved that there was not a man of in­tegrity or understanding in the cabinet; that the bishops had no charity, and the maids of honor no chastity; and that neither our admirals or generals could endure the smell of gunpowder.

Not thinking I had gone far enough to be noticed, I even scandalized a few princes. [Page 135] This indeed occasioned my strictures to be attended to, and I was promoted to—a place in Newgate. An information was moved against me for defamation: I was arraigned for having published a fal [...] scandalous and seditious libel; and though I attempted a justification, and to prove the truth of what I had asserted, I was found guilty; It ap­peared, indeed, in the course of the trial, that, could I have proved the truth of every syllable which I had advanced, I should have been equally culpable; it being a maxim in law, that "a libel is not the less a libel for being true."

It would not have become me to contend with my judges; therefore, as a means of mitigating damages, I urged the plea of poverty; no man could have see forth such a plea with more propriety than myself, for my little all was distributed in fees among the black gentlemen in Westminster Hall. My whole personal estate (and I had nothing real) did not at that time amount to more than nineteen pence three farthings.

Having proved myself a pauper, by affi­davit, I thought I was perfectly secure from having any pecuniary penalties imposed upon me; but when I reflected on the pro­bability of substituting imprisonment for fine, I felt myself a little uneasy. Imagin­ation [Page 136] presented the word NEWGATE before my eyes, in very large legible characters.

I was anxious, however, to be made ac­quainted with my doom; but, as the usual forms were not [...] be dispensed with, I was for the present ordered to be carefully pre­served in the Maison de Force, that due de­liberation might be had, in order to pro­portionate my punishment to my offence.

At a day appointed, I was presented be­fore the solemn tribunal, as a culprit con­vict, to be made acquainted with the pun­ishment due to my demerits. With great humanity, I was informed, that, previous to the pronouncing of the sentence, I was at liberty to say any thing which I supposed might tend to extenuate my guilt.

Imagining that a real statement of facts might probably answer my purpose, better than a string of improbabilities which I could easily have invented, I related to my judges, "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

"Gentlemen," said I, "I paid my ad­dresses to an amiable young lady, and flat­tered myself with the appearance of encour­agement, so far only as respected herself; but upon application to the lady's father, and answering a few interrogatories con­cerning my circumstances, I received a po­sitive discharge from his premises; accom­panied [Page 137] with a threat of a degrading punish­ment, if ever I should again presume to mention the subject of love in the presence of his daughter. Finding it impossible to obtain this accomplished female, till I had proved myself her equivalent in point of fortune, and the old gentleman expected guinea for guinea, I resolved to have re­course to my pen, as the most rapid means of acquiring riches.

"I knew a gentleman who wrote himself into an annuity of three hundred pounds, by a little well timed abuse, in a letter ad­dressed to a certain great man. A second epistle, addressed to the same illustrious per­sonage, was threatened in a few days. Some truths or falsehoods were alledged in the first which were not relished by the man in power. The specimen he had given was indeed so highly disapproved, that the au­thor was sought after, found, and reward­ed in the manner which I have mention­ed.

"It was a kind of negative reward for the services he had rendered, by withholding his satirical lash. He was not expected, in con­sideration of the annual emolument he re­ceived, to be daily varnishing the character of his benefactor, according to the usual practice; it was his silence only that had [Page 138] been purchased, his silence only was requir­ed.

"Recollecting the particulars of this bu­siness, and with what ease a comfortable in­dependence might be acquired, I commenc­ed scribbler, and produced the pamphlet which, from what at present appears, will turn out much less advantageous to me than I expected.

"Believe me, gentlemen, this is the real fact: I had no malice against any of the persons whom I have vilified. I meant no injury to them: I wished only to benefit myself, and to become an adequate suit­or to the lady whose hand I had solicit­ed."

I concluded by observing, that, if I was not thought entitled to a reward, like the fortunate friend I had mentioned, I hoped the court would not think me deserving of further punishment, having been already under lock and key for upwards of seven weeks.

Having, as I supposed, spoken much to the purpose, and excited the compassion of my judges, I expected a sentence of the most lenient kind. One month's imprisonment, and a fine of thirteen shillings and four­pence, was the utmost that I dreaded; but I found myself exceedingly mistaken:—The composition by which I thought to have [Page 139] raised an independance, if not affluence, procured me the following sentence. To be two years imprisoned, to stand twice on the pillory, to pay a fine of six shillings and eightpence, and to find sureties for my good behavior for seven years.

I was struck with astonishment, and in­dignation, at the apparent severity of this judgment; but I was compelled to be obe­dient, and to repair immediately to the miserable mansion destined to receive me.

The loss of liberty I could have submitt­ed to with some degree of composure; but the idea of exhibiting my face to the multi­tude, through an ignominious wooden frame, was insupportable. Is this my reward, ex­claimed I, for turning politician? For my attempts to regulate mankind, and point out their duty and defects, I am to have the elevated station of surveyor of the pave­ments!

After innumerable applications to my friends and relatives, some of whom move in a sphere truly respectable, I obtained a remission of the ignominious part of my sen­tence; the pillory was therefore removed from my affrighted imagination.

By affected sorrow and contrition, and repeated protestations that I would never more appear in the character of a politician, further indulgences were extended to me: [Page 140] After the expiration of one year, instead of two, I was set at liberty; and even without entering into a recognizance, with surities for my future good "abearing."

Finding myself in the wide world much sooner than I had expected, I had not planned a mode of life which would enable me to procure subsistence: My mind had been so humbled by my sufferings, that I had no ambition beyond that of being ena­bled to get my bread. The flame of passion, which beauty had raised within my bosom, had become perfectly extinguished. My ap­parel, like myself, had lost much of its bloom, and I knew the world too well to expect civility and attention in a threadbare coat. Besides, the residence which I had quitted, did not reflect any considerable de­gree of honor upon its tenants; I could not therefore build any pretentions to commis­eration on that account.

I directed my steps from prison, to the house of my sister; a worthy creature, and a person for whom I had much affection and esteem: Our tenderness for each other was indeed reciprocal; for, though she knew me to be eccentric, she knew also that I was rather an oddity than an infamous abandon­ed calumniator.

So rejoiced was she at my liberation, that, as soon as she beheld me, she threw [Page 141] herself into my arms, and felicitated me heartily on my accession to liberty, regard­less of my disgusting appearance. A suit of cloaths of her procuring, clean linen, and every comfortable appendage, enabled me to cast off my wretched covering, in which poverty and filth were too conspicuously portrayed. With my ragged and dirty hab­iliments. I also shook off a train of attend­ants, which never fail to be in the suite of wretchedness and misery.

But though I was received with affection and regard by my beloved sister, and might have quartered myself upon her for a long time, before she would even have hinted any disapprobation of my conduct in so do­ing; I had too much spirit to live upon alms, and resolved speedily to engage in ac­tive life.

To my clerical profession it was impossi­ble for me to return: My crime and pun­ishment, and more particularly my sentence, had stamped my character with indelia­ble infamy, and rendered me unworthy of appearing in an ecclesiastical habit. Could I have had the audacity to reassume the sac­red robe, the ordinary would doubtless have stripped me of it with indignity and de­ [...]adation.

While I was ruminating on these, and other disagreeable circumstances, an over­ture [Page 142] in one of the public prints particularly arrested my attention: An itinerant compa­ny of comedians, at no great distance from the metropolis, wanted a gentleman to en­gage in their little troupe, a vacancy having been occasioned by the desertion of one of their principal members. Nothing was said about terms; but it was requested that no person would apply who had not a compe­tent knowledge of theatrical concerns, and was able to give satisfaction, both in tragedy and comedy, to a genteel and brilliant au­dience.

Having always delighted in dramatic po­etry, and perfectly remembering the most striking scenes in Shakespear, O [...]way. Con­greve, Sheridan, and other celebrated writ­ers, I thought I should soon be capable of appearing in some of the most striking characters; especially as I fortunately possessed a quick as well a retentive mem­ory.

I repaired to Hendon, whither the adver­tisement directed me, and was ceremonious­ly introduced to the two managers. After some conversation on this important busi­ness, a rehearsal of some passages was re­quired, by way of specimen of my theatric taste and talents. Luckily my endeavo [...] were approved; terms were proposed, and I acceded to them. In consideration of my [Page 143] great merit, (as these dramatic sovereigns ex­pressed themselves) I was to receive seven shillings a week, and to have a clear benefit, at every town or village in which they thought proper to perform.

That no misunderstanding might happen between me and my august masters, I was informed, it was expected that I should find my own clean linen and stockings; but with regard to every thing else, I might de­pend upon a proper supply from their exten­sive wardrobe.

Preliminaries being thus adjusted, I en­tered upon my new duty, and, as I thought, performed wonders. I shone forth in the characters of Lear, Richard the Third, Ham­let, Macbeth. Kitely, Abel Drugger and Marplot. To the audience I gave uncom­mon satisfaction, and commanded from them bursts of applause, whenever I mani­fested a nice discrimination of character, and gave evident proofs that I entered into the spirit and meaning of the author.

Thinking I had now got a permanent em­ployment, though not a very lucrative one▪ I found myself somewhat happier than I was in Newgate; but, so uncertain are all hu­man affairs, my merit, in my new profes­sion, was my destruction. The managers, notwithstanding the theatre was crammed every evening on my account, began [Page 144] to look on me with a jealous eye. Their nightly receipts doubly exceeded the sums which they had ever taken, but that was not thought a sufficient recompence for the loss of fame and consequence: They had been accustomed to share the plaudits, as well as the profits of the house; but now their finest acting was disregarded, and I en­grossed the whole of the applause.

I now perceived that I was in danger of expulsion from our society. I was so crit­ically situated, that I knew not what steps to pursue. My offence was of so singular a kind, that I could not correct it, without reducing the income of my masters, and ex­posing myself to ridicule and contempt.

I daily expected a discharge, but my gov­ernors were so far actuated by the princi­ples of honor and conscience, that I was first permitted to have a benefit; and that benefit was much more productive than I expected. Believe me, Madam, I received the neat sum of seven pounds, nineteen shillings, and sixpence. So prodigious an accumulation of cash, in one evening, is not extant in the annals of our compa­ny.

Early the next morning, my two govern­ors dispatched a messenger to my apartment, to inform me that my attendance on them was expected at a certain hour, which they [Page 145] had appointed. I obeyed the mandate, and was received rather ceremoniously than cor­dially. Appearing in a subaltern character, I requested to be favored with their com­mands.

The senior of these two kings of Brent­ford, after having thrice stroked his chin, deigned to address me thus, "Far be it from us, Mr. Proteus, to complain of the manner of your conducting business; your abilities, as a comedian, are great, very great; they are of the first magnitude. We cannot there­fore think of retaining a gentleman of such distinguished talents, in our vagrant troupe. Your efforts cannot fail of placing you at the head of one of the London theatres; and we should act a villainous part to rob you of your deserved emoluments, or to deprive persons of distinction of that satis­faction which your performances cannot fail to give. Permit me to add, Mr. Proteus, that human nature, is human nature; we have all a spice of vanity in our composition, and a man does not like to be totally eclipsed, after having been allowed to shine with some degree of lustre for many years. To be plain with you, Sir, your talents are too splendid for our plain company.—While you continue with us, the audience come only to see and hear you: When you are gone they will, as before, be satisfied [Page 146] with our poor exertions, and sometimes con­descend to favor us with their plaudits. I believe, Mr. Proteus, I need not explain my­self any farther; your penetration can easi­ly discover my meaning. In short, Sir, it will be for our mutual benefit and satisfac­tion to separate as soon as possible."

The other manager bowed assent; and I did not oppose my discharge, it was convey­ed to me in such flattering terms. The con­duct of my masters reminded me of that of the late British Roscius, who, thinking a­nother player superior to him in a few cha­racters, engaged that player at a large salary, to lay him on the shelf, as it is termed. By this step he prevented a formidable opposi­tion at the other house; and he completely prevented it on his own boards, because he was limited to an inferior cast of charac­ters.

My vanity feasted not a little, on the idea of being discarded for having too much merit; and I was the better reconciled to my destiny, as my benefit had lodged a few shiners in my pocket.

After thanking my governors for their civility, and receiving a balance due to me of a few shillings, I took my leave of them, and bade adieu to the wooden theatre of Hendon.

[Page 147]No expense attended my removal; my goods and chattles were all personal, my whole wardrobe being upon my back.

Not thinking so highly of myself, (not­withstanding the flattering circumstances which I have mentioned) as to suppose I was qualified to make my appearance at either of the royal theatres, I took the di­rect road to Bath. I thought myself, at least, capable of being transplanted into that flourishing theatrical garden.

I remain at present in that city, and ex­pect daily to be incorporated and inrolled with the persons of the drama, who perform alternately there, and at Bristol, another city at the distance of about twelve miles.

Soon after my arrival here, madam, chance threw your advertisement before my eyes. I resolved immediately to become your correspondent, called for pen, ink and paper, and wrote this long epistle, perhaps too severe a trial for your patience.

Though I am a whimsical kind of being madam, I would scorn to impose on any woman. I have given an honest, candid, and ingenuous account of myself; and if, after due consideration, you think I have any claim to your attention, you will pro­bably favor me with a line. If, on the other hand, you should deem me an impertinent puppy, you are at liberty to burn this letter, [Page 148] which cost me upwards of two hours labor, and with it all remembrance of your itiner­ant correspondent.

You, Madam, are now in full possession of my genuine history. I have not attempt­ed to gloss or misrepresent a single circum­stance. It will, however, convince you, Madam, that if misfortunes arrive, I have always my shifts and resources at hand. Should I be ever so much laden with dis­tress, I shall never sink under my burden; being always sure of finding out some ex­pedient to keep me above want. With your ready cash, and my knowledge of the world, we might become an enviable and a happy pair. If you refuse to accept of me as a husband, permit me to subscribe my­self,

LETTER XXX. THOMAS APRICE, to BELINDA.

PERMIT a Welchman to be one of your wooers. Though my income is not very considerable, I am a gentleman from my profession. I am a clergyman, and the vicar of a parish. Many years have I been curate, but I am now preferred to a liv­ing of ten pounds a year clear of deduc­tions.

Had I continued in the humble sphere of a curate, I should not have had the pre­sumption to address a lady of your fortune; especially with such accomplishments as you seem to possess, if any judgment is to be formed by your elegant little billet in the newspaper.

Besides the living which I possess, I have the prospect of another advancement in the church; an advancement equally honora­ble [Page 150] and lucrative: It is no less than a pre­bend, to the amount of four pounds nine­teen shillings per annum. With my own income, and the interest of your money, we can afford to make a very respectable figure in this country. Very few could equal us in splendor and magnificence, and hardly any would be able to excel us.

I am a widower almost without incum­brance, being left with only two boys and the same number of girls: So small a fam­ily will not, I hope, be considered as any obstacle to our nuptials.

If you should have any objection to com­ing into Wales, I am not so particularly attached to my native air and soil, as to re­fuse my assent to any place of residence you may think proper to approve, having it al­ways in my power, for a small annual sum, to procure a curate to perform duty on my living.

As there is a possibility of our not con­cluding the business, on which we are now treating, I think it fair and equitable for each party to pay half the postage of this letter; I have therefore paid my moiety, and caused the words half post paid to be written on the outside, not doubting but you will advance an equal sum. Should this affair terminate agreeably to my wishes, [Page 151] we shall find no difficulty in adjusting the expences of this correspondence.

If you meet with a more advantageous proposal, than what I now offer, you will doubtless close immediately with that, and reject mine. If you do not, a line directed to the Reverend Mr. Thomas Aprice, at the sign of the Nag's Head, at Dhthwsy [...]y, in the county of Carmarthen, will be sure to find,

LETTER XXXI. THOMAS ALDER, to BELINDA.

THOUGH an inhabitant of a forest, I sometimes get an opportunity of taking a peep at some of the London papers. In [Page 152] one of those I saw your advertisement, and am therefore encouraged to become your correspondent.

I have no great quantity of cows or sheep, but my premises are completely fur­nished with animals of inferior magnitude; all of which are my own property, when I can catch them. Thousands and tens of thousands compose but a very inconsidera­ble part of the number of my live stock.

To come to the point at once. Madam, I farm an exetensive rabbit warren, and should think myself very happy if you would con­descend to be mistress of it. I find it suffi­ciently lucrative to enable me to live de­cently and comfortably; but, with the ad­dition of your money, I could also take a considerable farm, and we might then fare sumptuously.

My house is delightfully situated on a pleasant spot, remarkable for the salubrity of the air. If I could entice you, by any means, into these regions, it should be my study to make you happy; if I cannot, I shall not condemn myself for the attempt, especially if you should be so obliging as to favor me with any kind of answer. In humble expectation I remain,

LETTER XXXII. MR. PLOWDEN, to BELINDA.

YOUR advertisement, madam, has induced me to commence this suit. I much approve of your declaration that you are weary of a single life, and therefore I have a sufficient plea for sending you this rough draft of a letter. If you think proper to put in an answer to it, I hope I shall have no cause to take exceptions to it, but at all events I must crave permission to amend my bill

If you wish to have counsel's opinion how to act in this business, be pleased to draw up your case forthwith. I should be happy to bring this cause to a speedy issue, and the sooner we have a hearing the sooner I may hope to obtain judgment. As I mean to act upon honorable terms, I care not how many witnesses there may be with regard to my proceedings.

Any interrogatories touching my charac­ter and circumstances, shall be answered by [Page 154] satisfactory depositions. I defy any man to charge me with having been guilty of an unjust or dishonorable deed, or of any un­fair practice: My word is my bond.

I am ready to give any security for my appearance to any card, summons, or other process, which you may think proper to serve me with, how quick soever it may be re­turnable.

Believe me, Madam, since your ingenu­ous advertisement first arrested my attention, your dear ideal image has ingrossed the whole of my thoughts and meditations. Imagin­ation has given me a fair copy of your per­son, and I peruse it frequently.

What a delightful employment should I find it, to draw marriage articles between Be­linda and myself? Supremely happy should I be, if she would condescend to come to my chambers, and give me instructions for that purpose. I assure you, Madam▪ I am an earnest solicitor in this action on the case, which is truly special, and hope no proceed­ings may be quashed for want of form.

P. S. My address is Richard Plowden, Gentleman, Paper Buildings, Temple.

LETTER XXXIII. SOLOMON SHRIVEL, to BELINDA.

Such, my Louisa, are the epistles which I have lately received, but they are not the whole: They are a few selected from sev­eral large budgets or packets; the cream, the quintescence of the whole. Imagine then, my dear girl, what trash the others must have contained!

If the perusal of the transcripts of letters which I have now sent you, should afford [Page 157] you any diversion or amusement, my pur­pose is answered; I had no other mo­tive for undertaking the task of copying them.

I have the satisfaction of acquainting my Louisa, that the tender negociation between Mr. Proby and myself, seems to advance rapidly, without obstacle or interruption. You and I, my dear friend, are steering for the same haven. May no adverse and tempestuous winds drive us again into the ocean of uncertainty, and dash us against the rocks of disappointment.

I shall impatiently expect an answer to this letter; and surely I have an immedi­ate claim to one epistle, now you are too long ones in arrear. Let me entreat you to give a circumstantial diary of every trans­action of importance in your part of the world, since the date of your last. When I say, "every transaction of importance" I mean every transaction of what kind soev­er; for every thing must be of importance to me, which in the least concerns my Louisa.

Among the billets, which this post con­veys to you that from Peter Protius is cer­tainly the foremost in point of literary mer­it. Whether in jest or earnest, there is something pleasingly whimsical in the char­acter he has given of himself; and he can­didly acknowledges, without a blush, that [Page 158] he is an arrant coward. He has ventured, however, to give me a challenge; but were I to accept it, perhaps he would flinch as he did when his military antagonist dar­ed him to the field: In love, as well as war, there are many who pass for daring or blus­tering heroes, who shew strong symptoms of timidity, when honor calls them upon actu­al duty.

My lover of ninety might perhaps stand a chance, if he was the only man existing upon earth. His argument on the method of avoiding incumbrances, will not be much attended to. You will think I have no mer­cy on you, if I do not instantly resign my pen. It will have performed its task for the present, when it has again assured you that I am

LETTER XXXIV. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

MY best thanks are due to you, Be­linda, for your very obliging letters; but how am I to make an adequate return! If you expect sheet for sheet, or line for line as you strongly intimate, to whom can I ap­ply for materials? In a remote part of the country, a dearth of incidents is to be ex­pected and I hope my Belinda would not wish me to invent tales, or even to adopt exaggeration upon facts, purely to swell out an epistle.

I have regularly communicated to you our progress in the road to happiness. I can have nothing fresh to impart to you on that business (highly important business to me!) till it is concluded, confirmed, and ratified. That day of accomplishment is not far distant—"Fly swiftly, ye minutes!"

As you have frequently expressed a de­sire to know the method of killing time, a­midst the woods and groves, I think I can convey an idea of it, by relating to you the [Page 160] particulars of a splendid entertainment, to which I was invited as a guest.

Sir Thomas Dighton, just come of age, acquired his father's dignity about three years ago, but could not fully possess his large estate till he attained the age of twen­tyone years. On Wednesday last he arriv­ed at the period which legally pronounced him Man; and the happy day was ushered in with the ringing of bells, dancing round the maypole, and every rustic method of expressing the most lively demonstrations of joy. Sir Thomas's generosity on this occa­sion was unbounded. Particular invita­tions were given to all the genteel families in the environs of his seat, and a general proclamation was circulated, that all his tenants, servants and neighbors, were ex­pected to repair to Dighton Hall, to partake of the festivity of the day: So extensive was his idea of bestowing plenty and good cheer, that peasants and paupers were not exclud­ed!

Auxiliary cooks from the metropolis were engaged upon this joyful occasion; and, that the ears of the company might be feast­ed with extatic sounds, the best vocal and instrumental performers were procured from the same great capital.

Every luxury of the table was abundantly supplied. Wines of the most expensive [Page 161] kind, were as liberally bestowed as if they were estimated but as water. This was pe­culiarly the case among the first class of the visitors, who attended. Those who were deemed the second in rank, were entertained in an apartment less magnificent, but their fare was hardly inferior to that which was provided for those who moved in a more elevated sphere of life.

A third class was entertained with almost equal pageantry and profusion; and the last division, far exceeding all the others in point of number, were abundantly supplied with good Old English provender, and fine sparking ale; some of the latter was as aged as the young baronet, whose majority they were celebrating.

The park and gardens received the over­flowings of the mansion: Many hundreds of the delighted neighbors regaled them­selves el fresco, under the shade of trees and shrubberies▪ the soliage of which became tremulous by the gentle breeze fanning and refreshing the company in the performance of their task; that of quaffing frequent li­bations to the prosperity of their generous and indulgent host.

Cheerfulness, with her endearing smiles, sat enthroned on every countenance. All was joy, harmony, pleasantry, jocularity and glee. The adjacent country seemed to [Page 162] partake of the general satisfaction; the woods, the copices, the gardens, and the en­amelled fields, as if clad in their holiday habiliments, appeared to have been arrayed for the festive purpose, and to have poured forth all their perfume, with their splendid trappings.

The birds, as if intuitively become ac­quainted with the cause of the grand assem­blage, joined in the general harmony, and from every tree and bough issued the vocal warblings of feathered choirists. To com­plete the scene, the weather kindly contrib­uted; an unclouded sky, a serene temper­ature of air. refreshed by soft breathing ze­phyrs, perfected the elysium of Dighton Hall.

This is the general account of occurren­ces on that auspicious day. I will now en­deavor to be circumstantial. I had the honor to be classed among the first rank of visitors, and partook of a most elegant and excellent repast. On this occasion the gen­tlemen and ladies associated; but, shortly after dinner, etiquette seemed to point out that it was expedient for the latter to retire, a proper apartment having been reserved for that purpose.

The propriety of this step was tacitly ac­knowleged, hardly a syllable being mention­ed, by any of the gentlemen present, which [Page 163] could be construed to oppose our departure. A ceremonious separation took place, and we repaired to the scene which had been provided for us. Our select sisterhood con­sisted of about thirty members, and for our accommodation and entertainment, a small band of music attended. Madam Mara was the only vocal mercenary; her profes­sional talents were rewarded with that liber­ality which they justly merited. Many volunteers, however, inlisted in our vocal corps.

A beautiful young lady, of the name of Harcourt▪ sung most divinely. Nothing could be more enchanting than her voice, except the irresistible graces which accom­panied it, and the angelic figure which so perfectly accorded with her celestial harmo­ny. All was supernatural and adorable! she seemed in every respect, superior to be­ings merely terrestial: Were she a man, she should be the god of my idolatry!

After Miss Harcourt had enraptured ev­ery auditor and beholder, I was solicited to contribute my vocal mite; I pleaded hard to be excused▪ but, perceiving that rudeness only could exculpate me, I reluctantly com­plied with the unanimous wishes of our fair society. But oh! what a falling off! I de­tested my own weak endeavors to please, and condemned my effrontery in presuming [Page 164] to enter the lists with a person so infinitely my superior. I lamented that I did not submit to any censures, rather than contrast the croaking of the raven, with the silver sweetness of the nightingale.

Perhaps, my Belinda, you may be sur­prised at these observations, knowing that I have hitherto entertained no contemptible opinion of my musical accomplishments, and thinking, as you have flatteringly assured me, that my exertions in that line have been more than tolerable. But I now hang down my head abashed. Miss Harcourt is "the fairest among the fair."—She is "angelic among angels!"—Mediocrity is the utmost excellence that I can ever hope to arrive at.

Madam Mara, as usual▪ gave perfect sat­isfaction. Miss Dighton▪ sister to Sir Tho­mas, without much voice, displayed great musical taste, and afforded entertainment. Several other ladies were entitled to ap­plause▪ for their assistance in our little con­cert, and the moments glided away with great rapidity. At length a promenade was proposed, and agreed to: We repaired to the shrubbery; and, shortly after our ar­rival there. Sir Thomas Dighton, hav­ing obtained leave of absence from the gen­tlemen, hastened to pay his respects to us.

[Page 165]With unaffected politeness and affability, he severally addressed our little coterie, and thanked us for the honor we had conferred on him by our visit. Some general con­versation ensued; after which I was se­lected from the groupe by Sir Thomas, and conducted to a remote corner of the planta­tion.

Without much preamble, Sir Thomas made positive professions of attachment to me; said he had long been a silent admirer of my person and perfections; and had now come to a resolution to solicit my hand in form. Whatever might be the amount of my fortune▪ he assured me that he was per­fectly indifferent on that score, having more than an ample independance of his own; but if I would condescend to be the mistress of Dighton Hall, as I was already the sov­reign possessor of his heart, he should think himself the happiest of mankind; if, on the contrary his suit should be rejected, he should be one of the most miserable of the human race. He concluded with an earnest wish, that, if I did not wholly disapprove of his addresses, I would give out a ray of hope that there might be a possibility of his succeeding, after the usual assiduities essen­tial in so tender a negociation.

I thanked Sir Thomas for his flattering partiality in my favor, and earnestly be­sought [Page 166] him to seek for a person who had a better claim to the title of Lady Dighton; one whose birth and fortune placed her on a footing with himself. I expatiated on the impropriety of the alliance he proposed, and begged for his own personal honor and em­olument, that he would not urge the pro­posal which he had so inconsiderately made.

He protested that nothing should divert him from his purpose, if I would vouchsafe to hearken to his petition; but, as I was so injenious in framing objections for him, he feared I was averse to the overtures he had made.

I repeated my observations with addi­tional energy; but he still persisted in his resolution▪ if he could be favored with the most distant prospect of being attended to. After many protestations of inviolate at­tachment▪ if I would condescend to h [...]arken seriously to the dictates of his passion. I told him ingenuously that I was incapable of at­tending to his tale; that I had not a heart at my disposal; that solemn engagements had been reciprocally made, between me and one whom I preferred to all the world; and that nothing▪ on my part, should cancel those engagements; that I was sensible of the honor which he intended to confer on me; but though he was truly [Page 167] amiable and respectable, and infinitely be­yond what my most aspiring notions had ever aimed at, yet I was indispensibly oblig­ed to discourage addresses which could only feed my vanity, without a possibility of al­tering a tittle of my sacred vow; or to have the least bias on my affections.

He heard me with astonishment and con­cern. He was so greatly agitated, that he frequently attempted to interrupt me; but finding, at length, that I was peremptory in my resolves, and that it would be equally ungenerous and ungenteel to attempt to ar­gue me into a breach of articles, he barely expressed his sorrow at the intelligence he received▪ and, with a sigh of resiganation, a­bandoned all prospect of success; declaring that the barriers between him and happiness were insurmountable.

This unexpected overture from a man of rank and fortune, could not but awaken my vanity, and atone▪ in some degree, for the mortification I had received in submitting to be a foil to Miss Harcourt. I began to entertain a more exalted opinion of myself than I had hitherto done; and gave myself credit for attractions of the superior kind, without considering that men are as fre­quently governed by caprice, as by the influ­ence of beauty and accomplishments.

[Page 168]I must admit, however, that, though I enjoyed the triumph over Sir Thomas, I felt a pang for the disappointment he had sustained. Though I exulted on my pow­er of inflicting wounds▪ I had not a wish that the sufferings and smarts which he en­dured should be too severe. Had I not been engaged, irrevocably engaged, to a man whom I had every reason to adore, Sir Thomas Dighton's bait would perhaps have been too alluring for me to reject. Let me tell you, my Belinda, a young man just twentyone years of age, with an agreeable person, an immense fortune, and a title, are no despicable ingredients in the matrimonial ragout.

This flattering preference in the opinion of Sir Thomas, in the presence of many beau­tiful and accomplished females, made my little heart palpitate with joy. It furnished me too with an opportunity of convincing Mr. Graham that I was not merely induced by prospects of advantage to accede to his proposals of matrimony. I shall now take the earliest opportunity of informing him, that I have refused the addresses of Sir Thomas Dighton, infinitely his superior in point of fortune.

Little did the young baronet expect that he should meet with a repulse from a per­son of small fortune, and perhaps smaller [Page 169] perfections. As soon as he had received the final sentence from my lips, he started an­other subject of conversation; we intermix­ed with the throng, and no particular atten­tion, during the remainder of the day, was bestowed by Sir Thomas on your Louisa.

A ball concluded the festivity of the day; and it was not till after the arrival of the succeeding morning, that the well pleased guests could prevail upon themselves to re­tire from the hospitable mansion.

The length of this letter will sufficiently apologize for my concluding it, without ex­hausting all my store of materials, which may be required in my next epistle.

Though I have refused the honor intend­ed me▪ it is with pleasure I inform you that I might have been Lady Dighton; and that I am, and ever shall be,

LETTER XXXV. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

IN a former letter, my Louisa, I gave you a long account of my reverend swain, and the methods I intended to pursue to procure a living; but you have been so much engaged on your own affairs, that our little insignificant advances seem hardly en­titled to your attention.

I hope Sir Thomas Dighton's civilities will neither prevent nor retard the proposed union between Mr. Graham and my Louisa. A little vanity may be permitted to reside in a female breast, and that little must have been highly gratified by the young baronets ingenuous declaration; but I hope you will remain firm to your first engagement. To prevent even a possibility of wavering, un­der such tempting circumstances, let me earnestly recommend to you an immediate compliance with Mr. Graham's request; ac­company him instantly to the altar.

[Page 171]Pardon me. Louisa, for supposing you capable of infidelity, or breach of vow. I only hint at possibilities, not probabilities. There are persons who, situated as you are, would cancel the most solemn asseverations, and plead the cause as an ample justifica­tion of such conduct. But I will venture to pronounce that you are not one of those persons, and that, attached as you are by pure affection to Mr. Graham, no allure­ments or advantages can warp your inflexi­ble mind.

Your narrative of the proceedings on Sir Thomas's attaining his majority, entertain­ed me much: Your kindness in giving it so circumstantially was very flattering to me, as it convinced me that you did not grudge the time devoted to my gratifica­tion.

I hope the enamored baronet will not re­new his attack. If he does, my Louisa, be firm and resolute in resisting his pretentions: Convince the world that nothing can make you deviate from the paths of rectitude and honor, and that you still merit the warmest degree of friendship, from

LETTER XXXVI. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

YOU did me injustice, Belinda, to suppose me capable of encouraging the ad­dresses of any man, after the solemn contract between me and Mr. Graham. Believe me, my dear friend, to be seated on a throne I would not deviate in the least from my en­gagements with that amiable youth.

Your tender concern on supposing me exposed to the most trying temptations, is an additional proof of your esteem for me. I am not therefore displeased at your inti­mations of fear and apprehension, that I should be unequal to the task which had been imposed upon me.

I shall dwell no longer on this subject, having matters of more importance to relate to you. I am obliged to Sir Thomas Digh­ton for the honor he intended me; but pur­suant to your advice. I have put it out of my power to become Lady Dighton.

[Page 173]I was entertained, Belinda, with a por­trait you sent me of your clerical swain, in a former letter, before you favored me with your fresh packet, and I admire your great prudence and generosity, in procuring a living for him. He ought to think himself a very happy fellow, to find a patron in a lover. I mean not to insinuate that he is a a mere mercenary lover, but certainly a good living is a very desirable acquisition. Who would not resign a fellowship, for a beauti­ful young lady, and a fat benefice?

I admire the generosity, or rather the gratitude, of your "deserving man." as you emphatically call him, when he makes a voluntary offer of settling your whole for­tune upon yourself; and your noble and spirited refusal to accept of such conditions, reflects equal honor on yourself.

Your resolution of destroying the letters, which you may happen to receive from fu­ture correspondents, I greatly approve.

And now, my Belinda, permit me to ac­quaint you, that I have exchanged the name of Lenox for that of Graham. Yesterday's sun saw me, with sacred solemnity, initiated into the mysteries of matrimony. The cer­emony was attended by the most respecta­ble nobility and gentry in the neighborhood, and a smile of satisfaction appeared on eve­ry face.

[Page 174]The husbandman forsook his field, and the shepherd his flock, to join in the festivi­ty of the day, and mix in the procession.— Mr. Graham is the idol of all who know him, from the nobleman to the humble cot­tager: undissembled joy was therefore testi­fied, by every means that could be contriv­ed, on that auspicious day, which united me to the best of men.

On our return from the altar, we partook of some refreshment at Mr. Graham's house; and▪ after taking and airing, came back to a sumptuous dinner, provided, upon the occasion, for the most respectable of our friends. Another extensive table was spread in the great hall, for those of less opulence, and who moved in an humbler sphere; and a third for the peasantry, and others. Bar­rels of beer, and plenty of all kinds of pro­vision, were also distributed to the populace without doors.

In the evening we had a ball, which was composed of the first characters in this part of the kingdom, and was remarkably splen­did.

Congratulate me, my dear Belinda, on this transcendantly joyful occasion; for, believe me, I am the happiest of my sex!

My situation, in all respects, is realy en­viable; the house or which I am now legal­ly constituted the mistress, is an antique but [Page 175] elegant building, and is situated in a pad­dock, at a proper distance from the road.— Many of the rooms are spacious, and fur­nished in the modern taste; the others are neat, simple and convenient; the decora­tions less splendid, though equally pleasing. A pleasure garden of about three acres lies behind the mansion, and is laid out with in­finite elegance and judgment. It abounds with variety of the choicest shrubs, fruit­trees and flowers, among which are many curious exotics.

Here, in the sweet society of my dear and amiable companion, the hours glide happily away. Like another Eden, our garden ap­pears a paradise to us, whence there is no danger of being driven, as we touch not the forbidden fruit.

A Summerhouse, beautifully constructed, embellishes one corner of the garden; whith­er we can repair when sultry Phoebus is too powerful, or when a shower of rain renders such retirement necessary. The murmuring of a little rivulet which meanders near this little structure, has a pleasing effect, espe­cially in hot weather.

An orchard, now rich with autumnal fruit, joins to our pleasure garden. It is pleasing to the view, and promises to furnish our table with a luxurious dessert.

[Page 176]Sometimes, to vary the scene, I accom­pany Mr. Graham in his phaeton (the only carriage he at present possesses) to take the air, and occasionally to visit some hospita­ble and friendly neighbor.

Not above half a mile from our residence a transparent river runs through the verdant meadows. This stream is often visited by the ladies and gentlemen in our vicinity, for the sole purpose of angling.—I have been many times prevailed on to be one of the party upon these occasions, but I cannot deem that a diversion, which inflicts death or torture on any animal, however insig­nificant it may appear to us of the human race.

Whilst more innocent amusements are to be found, I shall not in future be easily pre­vailed on to join fishing parties. But, as I would not affect to be over delicate, I shall decline such engagements, by making any apology that may occur to me.

Indeed, Belinda, home has so many charms for me, that I seldom am induced to quit it. If I have the company of my good man, I have not a wish beyond it; he is all the world to me!

Mr. Graham's sister, whose perfections I have already mentioned to you, shews ev­ery attention to me in her power; she is so capital in the musical line, that I have so­licited [Page 177] her to become her pupil. She po­litely thanked me for the horor I proposed to confer on her, and gladly took me under her tutorage. For the short time that I have applied myself to the study of that pleasing science, she flatters me with having made a considerable progress. I hope I shall in time, become a proficient, as I would joyfully embrace every opportunity of ren­dering myself more worthy of Mr. Gra­ham.

My musical tutoress sometimes accom­panies her brother and myself in a rural promenade about the hamlet. In these lim­ited excursions we are saluted with the clumsy bows and courtesies of the inhabit­ants, who frequently receive small bounties from us, in return for which we have their fervent prayers, articulated in homely but in heartfelt accents.

Such an honest simplicity of manners prevails among our peasantry, so much in­nocence appears in all their little pleasures and pursuits, as to convey an idea of the harmless shepherds on the Arcadian plains, so much celebrated by our pastoral po­ets.

A theft or robbery is hardly ever heard of among us. Contented with the scanty but wholesome food which their own in­dustry supplies, they never think of invad­ing [Page 178] the property of others. We might e­ven sleep in security with our doors wide open.

How different is this, my Belinda, from the state of rapine which reigns in the me­tropolis! Where vice not only lurks in ob­scure corners, but stalks forth in open day­light, and danger is to be apprehended in your public streets, Even the utmost vigi­lance of the police cannot protect you from the depredations of the robber and the as­sassin.

Suffer me to prevail on you to visit these happy regions. You have my earnest in­vitation to make your abode here, as long as you may find it agreeable; and Mr. Gra­ham, on his part, will exert himself to hin­der your departure.

But▪ should you bestow your hand upon Mr. Proby, which appears to me more than probable, I fear you will not be able to comply with my request, as his residence will perhaps be required on the living, to which he is to be presented. Of that you will inform me hereafter.

You ask my opinion on the proposed match between you and the reverend youth whom you so much esteem. My opinion will certainly be acceptable, because it cor­responds entirely with your own. Wed him without unnecessary delay! If he is as [Page 179] worthy as you represent him (and I never had any reason to doubt of your veracity) be careful not to lose him. He is a man worth any woman, and his equal may not easily be found.

I wait impatiently for your letter of con­gratulation on my becoming a bride. I know you will rejoice at my happiness; and, I assure you, if there is a possibility of rendering it more complete, the joy­ful tidings of your being happily united with the man you love, alone can do it.

Permit me, my Belinda, to affirm, that you will ever have the second place in my esteem, which is all that can be reasonably expected from

LETTER XXXVII. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

I HEARTILY congratulate you, my Louisa, on the celebration of your nuptials May your happiness be proportioned to your deserts! Celestial joys would then a­wait you! You would be beyond the reach of those sorrows and disappointments which usually embitter the cup of life! serving as alloy to those pleasures which must not be permitted to exceed the terrestrial stand­ard.

Again must I entreat your pardon for supposing there was a possibility of your breaking your faith with Mr. Graham; but for those we esteem our fears are alarmed on the most insignificant occurences; the most distant danger gives birth to anxie­ties; and we censure the gentle breeze, lest it should inflict a cold on the object of our attention.

Frequently, my Louisa, have you enjoin­ed me to furnish you with intelligence from [Page 181] the metropolis, the source of adventure and intelligence; and I have always endeavor­ed to oblige you, as far as the limits of a sheet of paper would allow me. A myste­rious affair has lately given rise to much conjecture, and some altercation; but the mystery begins to be unravelled, and the doubts seem to be superseded by stubborn facts.

A young lady, beautiful, nobly allied, and only in her twentysecond year, thought herself neglected by the youths of quality of the other sex, and therefore, if she could not have the satisfaction of procuring an actual wooer, she was determined at least to enjoy the reputation of being wooed: She therefore conjured up a man of quality, no less than the heir apparent of a puissant duke. To give the appearance of reality to the imaginary courtship, she did not con­fine herself to the bare method of commun­icating the pleasing tidings by the lips; she produced letters, not only from the suppos­ed enamored swain, but even from the head of the most noble house. Corroborative e­pistles were also circulated in variety of forms and places; insomuch that the tale was almost universally believed, and a speedy union was expected to have taken place between the young nobleman, who was utterly a stranger to the affair, and the [Page 182] young lady who planned and projected the whole business, and wanted to pass upon the world for a marchioness elect.

Happy, no doubt, at being thought the enviable object of an amiable young noble­man's addresses, she produced many docu­ments to keep afloat the story which she had circulated; well knowing that as soon as the eclaircissement took place her triumph would be at an end.

At length, however, the narrative passed through so many channels of communica­tion, that it found its way to the ears of those who were supposed to be the parties. Wholly unacquainted with every syllable that had been related to them, and the im­aginary rise and progress of an hymeneal treaty, they naturally expressed their aston­ishment at the ingenuity of the fabricator.

A discovery was now made that all the reports, epistles, billets, &c. had been fab­ricated. The marriage articles which had been signed, the jewels, and the bridal hab­iliments, were found to have been only in the epistles circulated by the young lady; and all her ideal rank and consequence van­ished instantly into air.

Though the fair adventuress knew that it was impossible for her to escape detection in the end, she flattered herself with being somewhat longer in possession of this ideal [Page 183] happiness and splendor; but, as a develope­ment was manifest, she, with infinite address, endeavored to make it appear that she had been imposed on as well as the noble lord; and for a time the public opinion was in equipoise whether she was the imposer, or the object of imposition.

The young lady had many advocates, who endeavored to affix the odium, due to the fabricator of the story, on another quarter. But the charge of delinquency is now gen­erally directed to the heroine of the ro­mance, and she will find it no easy task to get acquitted of the offence for which she is now arraigned before the public.

I wish it may hereafter appear that she is perfectly innocent; or, if not, that she should not incur the detestation of the world, for the exercises of a species of folly which could not be injurious to any one. A beau­tiful young woman wishes to be noticed; she thinks herself fully entitled to the atten­tions, and almost to the adorations of young men; she thinks she has so good a claim to their assiduities, that if they neglect their duty, it is but doing justice to her charms to create ideal lovers; that she may at least appear to possess what she has an indubitable claim to.

Perhaps, my Louisa, I may not be perfect­ly orthodox in the creed of love; but I hope [Page 184] you will admit there is no great impropriety in the argument I have ventured to advance in this business. It would afford me infi­nite pleasure if the young nobleman, whom the lady thought proper to be in love with, and to make the affection reciprocal, would actually realize the tale, and readily conduct her to the altar. He must be convinced that she has a regard for him, or she would not have selected him for her hero.

I have been thus particular in my little narrative, because it is now the general topic of conversation among the great and little world in our extensive capital.

Though in a former letter I mention my resolution of destroying any future billets that might be addressed to me, I have taken the liberty of reserving a few of them, but they are not very remarkable for their bril­liancy. The contents of some of them, however, may probably amuse you. I have transcribed a few of the best of them, and hereby faithfully promise you▪ never more to trouble you with the effusions of any more of my newspaper lovers; they are lit­erally as follow.

LETTER XXXVIII. HARRY HOUNSLOW, to BELINDA BLACKET.

I SAW your advertisement in the World, but business of some importance put it out of my power to pay the attention to it that it merited. To tell you the real truth Madam, I was taken that very day into the hands of the officers of police. Some accusations were made against me in Bow street; and though the charges were not fully substanciated, I was ordered into confinement.

Prisoners of war are sometimes suffered to be at large on their parol, but gentlemen of the road are not thought entitled to such indulgences. I hope, Madam, you will think I have made a sufficient apology for not sooner endeavoring to find you out, and throwing myself at your feet.

My business, Madam, is honorable, but angerous; the late extravagant improve­ments, [Page 186] particularly in the environs of the metropolis are very disadvantageous to per­sons of our calling. Formerly a gentleman might collect a few purses on the road, and the danger of detection was so inconsidera­ble as not to demand a serious reflection; but now so many snares are laid for us, so many illuminations are exhibited, and so many bloodhounds are in pursuit of us, that I have almost come to a resolution of relin­quishing my present trade, and engaging in something that may be less lucrative, but may not be attended with any fatal conse­quences.

Mercy, my dear Madam, is an attribute fit for the gods, and, as the divine Shake­speare affiruis, blesses both the giver and re­ceiver. If you would deign to have mercy upon me Madam, you might relieve me from the crimes and consequences of depre­dation, preserve me from a premature and ignominious death, and by a life of purity and integrity render me a fit candidate for the realms of blessedness above.

Perhaps, Madam, this may appear to you as a very singular mode of courtship. I am indeed of the same opinion; but as I have pointed out a plan by which you may be­come entitled to everlasting happiness, I ought to claim a little of your attention. To save a life would afford consolation to a [Page 187] humane breast; to save a soul would glad­den that breast exceedingly; but how infi­nite would be the future rewards for such exemplary pious actions!

I was bred and educated as a gentleman, Madam; from my infancy I was taught to believe and expect, that when I approached the state of manhood, I should have been furnished with a liberal provision for my support, in a mode of life to which I had been accustomed; but before that period arrived, death deprived me of both my pa­rents, and my father, with his last breath, lamented he had nothing to leave me, hav­ing broke into the last hundred of his cash, and his acres and houses had been long dis­posed of.

Entertaining an affectionate esteem for my father, I felt the loss of him as a very great calamity; but losing with him all expecta­tions of an independency, my situation was indeed deplorable. In a word, I was pres­ently made acquainted with my real situa­tion, and that the author of my being, sensi­ble that he had consumed a patrimony which was to have been transmitted to his posteri­ty, literally broke his heart.

Trained to no business, employment, or occupation, to what could I apply myself to procure a maintenance? Drudgery or hard labor I could not prevail on myself to [Page 188] submit to, or to appear in any situation which might be thought degrading to a gen­tleman. Though educated at an university, I had been too indolent to bestow close at­tention to the sciences, and therefore only acquired a little smattering in them; a little superficial knowledge which it would be disgraceful for a gentleman to be without.

Destitute of money, resources, or expect­ations, I was not long in forming a resolu­tion to enlist myself among the cavalry. My credit was not so much impaired by my misfortunes, but I still found I could be en­trusted with a horse. A pistol, and some other implements, adapted to the profession in which I was about to engage, were soon procured.

Thus, determined to procure a precarious support, by borrowing a little from the afflu­ent, purely to preserve existence, I set out with great composure in pursuit of my daily bread.

I resolved however, before I entered up­on my new calling, never to exercise the least cruelty, or to make use of such menacing language as might create terror in the per­sons on whom I might make a demand. This resolution I was determined invariably to abide by, whatever might be the conse­quences. In a lane, leading from Harrow to the Uxbridge road, I made my first essay; I overtook an old gentleman on horseback. [Page 189] and my salutation was an observation on the weather. "'Tis a fine day, sir," said I. "Very fine, indeed," replied the gentleman, of whom I meant to borrow a few pieces.

I told him that distress had induced me to undertake a new business, and therefore if I did not acquit myself with so much adroitness as one who had been longer in practice, I hoped he would make a proper allowance for my inexperience.

The traveller seemed alarmed, but did not perfectly comprehend my meaning. I therefore entreated him to furnish me in­stantly with what cash he could spare, and I would gladly repay him if fortune should ever put it in my power. I further inform­ed him that any unnecessary delay, on his part, would oblige me to produce a shining assistant from my pocket, which would en­force obedience to my request: I hoped, however, that I should not be compelled to act uncivilly; but that depended on his readiness to administer to my necessities.

The astonished yeoman (for so I supposed him to be) could no longer misunderstand the drift of my business, and with the ut­most expedition delivered me his purse; in which, on examination, I found the sum of seven guineas and an half. After politely taking leave of my benefactor, and thanking him for his seasonable supply, we separated▪ [Page 190] the gentleman proceeded on his journey, and I thought it prudent to take a contrary course.

Pleased with the encouragement I had met with on my first attempt, I began to be a little reconciled to my new calling, and meant to return immediately to the cap­ital; having, as I thought, a sufficient quan­tity of cash to support me for several weeks, and not intending to take the road again till necessity should compel me so to do. I did not become a plunderer to enable me to launch into extravagancies and follies, but to procure a bare subsistance, and to keep me literally from starving.

But while my mind was occupied with these reflections, riding at my ease without apprehensions of danger, I heard the sound of the feet of horses coming furiously be­hind me; guessing their business with me, I set off full speed, and we had an excellent race for about a mile and an half. At length I was overtaken, and I recognized among my pursuers, the gentleman of whom I had borrowed the yellow shiners.

Luckily for me, I had thrown away the purse; and though the booty I had taken was found upon me, pieces of coin cannot possibly be sworn to, unless they have been previously marked. I had also put on a wig over my hair, which I had carried in [Page 191] my pocket for that purpose. This made so great an alteration in my figure, that my accuser could not positively swear to the identity of my person, but said he believed I was the man who had robbed him of his purse and money.

I was conducted to a place of safety, and the next day exhibited at a public office; where many persons appeared who had ex­perienced recent depredations. After having been minutely surveyed by every one pres­ent, none of whom could charge me with any offence, I passed an examination before a magistrate, and, suspicions being very strong against me, was committed to a man­sion of security, that I might receive the judgment of my peers at the approaching session.

At the tribunal of Oyer et terminer I ap­peared, was arraigned, tried, acquitted, and discharged.

Being now perfectly at liberty, madam, I should be happy to receive your commands. If you will permit me to attend you, I flat­ter myself you will not think contemptuous­ly of me. Except the offence which I have mentioned to you, with all its particulars and consequences, I know not that I have ever violated the laws of morality or society. If you can overlook that single crime, and suffer me to partake of your independence, [Page 192] you will save from perdition, and fill with gratitdue, the bosom of your unfortunate, but not unprincipled servant,

LETTER XXXIX. SIGNIOR SQUALLIT, to BELINDA BLACKET.

I AM a vocal performer at the Opera house, and have a salary equivalent at least to your fortune. I have sung at the courts of Vienna, Berlin and Versailles, and am considered as one of the premier warblers in Europe: If you delight in harmony, Mad­am, I dare promise to render you one of the happiest of your sex.

Though a foreigner, I have been so long resident in England, that I can speak the language of the country with great purity, and with a proper accent.

[Page 193]There is one circumstance which perhaps ought to be mentioned, in a negociation of this kind; to qualify me for the most extatic vocal strains, a kind of operation was per­formed on me in my youth, and I sustained a trifling loss; but my powers of voice will more than compensate for a little diminution of person. It would not be acting with candor or propriety to suppress this cir­cumstance, for though it would not be con­sidered as any obstacle by a modest prudent woman, yet some of the sex have an aver­sion to things which have suffered mutila­tion.

But I suppose I am now addressing a lady of understanding, who cannot be influenced by such paltry prejudices. If you think you can be happy, Madam, with a man of my discription, a line addressed to Signior Squallit, &c. will be respectfully attended to, by

LETTER XL. PETER BRAY, to BELINDA BLACKET.

I shall trouble you with no more of the late epistles with which I have been favored, as no more of them are worth transcribing. The highwayman, if I had not been previ­ously engaged, had not much chance of be­ing a successful candidate for my hand; and the Italian squaller would have been rejected with contempt. Peter Bray, though illiter­ate, possesses a fund of shrewd observation. [Page 196] If their billets have afforded you amusement, the wishes are accomplished of

LETTER XLI. LOUISA LENOX, to BELINDA BLACKET.

YOUR letter, my Belinda, inclosing three of those which you have lately receiv­ed from your curious correspondents, suffi­ciently demonstrates that you do not con­sider any thing as labor, which you under­take to gratify my curiosity, or afford me information or amusement. The long epis­tle of Harry Hounslow must have taken up many of you precious moments, and could not be a very pleasing task for a person of your imagination. It is a slavish business, at best, merely to transcribe, though the sub­ject may be ever so entertaining.

[Page 197]Happy beyond expression, and wholly en­gaged in receiving the congratulations of my neighbors, I cannot at present find leisure to keep pace with you in epistolary matters. When I have given audience to all my cere­monious visitors, and submitted to the bridal etiquette, I shall have it in my power to shew that I am not inattentive to my Belinda.

What I have already said will, I hope, be considered as a sufficient apology for so ab­ruptly informing you, that I am, and ever shall be,

LETTER XLII. BELINDA BLACKET, to LOUISA LENOX.

ACCEPT my congratulations, most amia­ble Louisa, on the celebration of your nuptials! may you, and the fortunate possessor of your hand and heart, be as happy as you deserve [Page 198] to be!—Your recital of the particulars on the festive day of marriage, delighted me exceedingly—it conveys a pleasing idea of northern hospitality, and of the gratitude of individuals, in testifying their joy for the happiness of their benefactor.

You describe, with elegance and precision, the family mansion, and its agreeable ap­purtenances.

Your observations on the diversion of angling, are such as I should have expected from my Louisa. They do you honor, and are an additional proof that mercy and ten­derness, so amiable in a female character, inhabit your benevolent bosom.

Your reason for becoming a pupil to your sister in law, does you infinite credit; and your comparative view of the Northern and Middlesex inhabitants, is too just to be ques­tioned or contradicted.

I thank you for your obliging invitation to your agreeable mansion; but whether I can accept of it, depends wholly upon cir­cumstances.

I have followed your example, my Loui­sa, and am, like you, become a wife. My hand was given last monday to Mr. Proby; my heart was his long before. Our nuptials were solemnized at St. James's church, and celebrated at the Star▪ and Garter in Rich­mond; but not with that splendor and pa­rade [Page 199] which was exhibited on your bridal day.

My uncle, and a few select friends of both sexes, assisted at the ceremony, and passed the remainder of the day with us, with that cheerfulness and satisfaction, usually attend­ant upon such occasions.

Believe me, my Louisa, my happiness is now complete, for I enjoy the full fruition of all my wishes. Mr. Proby is every thing that is amiable, and my uncle has been lib­eral beyond my expectations.

A few days prior to our marriage, a long contested suit in chancery was determined, in which my worthy man was one of the parties. A decree was made in his favor, which gives him an estate of fifteen hundred pounds a year, besides a considerable sum in the con­solidated annuities. This cause has been long pending, the person who had usurped the estate, having taken every measure of delay which the court of chancery would permit.

Added to this, my own fortune is five hundred pounds a year real estate, and ten thousand pounds in cash; exclusive of a bank note, of a thousand pounds value, pre­sented to me by my uncle, on my wedding day; who has also caused Mr. Proby to be inducted to a valuable living.

[Page 200]Thus situated, my Louisa, every thing that is desirable is within my reach. Wed­ded to the best of men, whose fortune unit­ed with my own, readers us independent and even affluent, we may adopt any mode of living consistent with our annual income.

Though Mr. Proby knew of the decree in his favor on the day it was given, he did not communicate that intelligence to me till af­ter dinner on our wedding day. The news was therefore doubly welcome to me; in the first place, it must have proved to my good man, that I did not marry him on the [...]ore of fortune; and in the next, I was pleased at so sudden an unexpected an accession of property.

You and I, my Louisa, owe our obliga­tions to the fates—never were two friends more equally attended to by the blind god­dess, than we are!—dare you presume to say, that our merits' have a claim to such distinction?—for my own part, I candidly acknowledge that the project I engaged in, was a ridiculous one, however fortunate the event.

It was solely owing to the caprice of the blind deity that I have been successful; but you, my Louisa, have sufficient merit to en­title you to her best gifts, without creating even a suspicion of partiality.

[Page 201]I am now like a turtle lamenting the loss of my mate. Mr. Proby has been absent from me these three days; his attendance being required in Northamptonshire, on some material business relative to the living he is shortly to possess.

Soon after his return, we have fixed upon a Western tour, but our headquarters are to be at Bath; where we expect to pass our time very agreeably; afterwards we shall revisit the capital, and endeavor to learn from some of the public prints, whether any tolerable handsome mansion is to be sold, which, (if we can find one to our taste) we mean to purchase for a summer residence. We would not wish to have it more than fifteen miles from London, nor, less than ten or eleven.

You must not be surprized, Louisa, if we should accept of your obliging invitation, and pass the next summer with you in the North. The supposed impediment, which you mentioned in your last, cannot hinder Mr. Proby from accompanying me on such a visit; for, having a chaplain's scarf, his residence on his living may be dispensed with.

You draw so delightful a picture of your village and its inhabitants, that I should be anxious to behold so enchanting a spot, even if my Louisa was not there; but, such a [Page 202] magnet as you, must at all times, most pow­erfully attract me. Suffer me, however, to propose conditions upon this occasion, which I shall rigidly expect to be complied with on your part, that if I pay a visit to my Louisa in the north, she must accompany her Belinda on her return to the south; where, during the inclemency of winter, populous cities are not without their charms. In that dreary season, the country has lost the power of pleasing; grown cheerless by the long absence of the enlivening sun, life cannot be enjoyed in the northern regions, though it may be endured; the trees, strip­ped of their foilage, present a melancholly prospect; the birds no longer delight the ear with their harmonious notes; the earth ceases to teem with her rich produce and be­comes steril; and the face of it often cover­ed with a mantle of snow. The purling steams are arrested and silenced by the chil­ling influence of the frost, and all nature seems an universal blank.

On the annual return of these gloomy and unpleasant prospects, my Louisa would do well to quit the joyless scene, and direct her steps towards the capital; there a kind of artificial summer is ever to be found, and mirth and festivity chase away the thoughts of unpropitious winter, with all her haggard train. Deign thereof to make [Page 203] my house your residence on these periodi­cal returns, and you may rely on my pay­ing you, as frequent visits when the coun­try is clad in its best attire, when the woods are become vocal by the feathered warblers, and the zephyrs regale the senses with their rich perfumes. Happy shall we be in re­ciprocally communicating our joys, and in expatiating on the virtues of our good men, who have raised us to an enviable state of uninterrupted happiness.

That our felicity may long continue un­impaired, and that all who merit so blissful a state may enjoy it, is the earnest wish of your