CHAP. I. Containing an account of the first rise of my concern about re­ligion, its result, revivals, and other occurrences thereto relating, for the first two years of this time.

IN the month of May 1685, my mother being by the heat of the persecution obliged to retire to Holland, I went along with her. While we were at sea, being in some real or apprehended danger, my conscience, which had for all the by gone ten years, so far as I can now re­member, been fast asleep, began to awaken. I was hal­lenged for fin, terrified with the apprehensions of hell and death, and the wrath of God, which I had no thought about before I was brought to this distress: Jer. ii. 27. They have turned their back unto me, and not their face: Eat in the time of their trouble they shall say, Arise, and save us.

2. All this concern was nothing more than a sad mix­ture of natural sear, and a selfish desire of preservation from the danger that was supposed imminent, at least by me. Peace, acceptance, communion with God, came not much in my thoughts. I was afraid and unwilling to die. I would gladly have been out of danger of hell. This was all my exercise at this time. It was not sin, but death, its consequence, I was concerned to be rid of: Exod. x. 16. Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in [...]as [...]e, and said, I have sinned against the Lord your God.—Now [Page 36]therefore I pray thee, forgive my sin only this once, and in­treat the Lord your God, that he may take away from me this death only.

3. As this exercise was wholly selfish, without any con­cern for the Lord's glory, so it led me to selfish courses for relief. I promised, that were I at land, I would live and be better than formerly. I engaged to keep all God's commands. My mother told me, I was in a mistake, and would not hold there. But there was no persuading one so ignorant of his own heart, as I at this time was, of this. I multiplied engagements, and doubted not my­self as to the performance: Josh. xxiv. 16. And the people answered, God forbid that we should forsake the Lord to serve other gods. Ver. 9. And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the Lord; for he is an holy God. Ver. 21. And the people said unto Joshua, Nay, but we will serve the Lord.

4. No sooner was I come to land, and fixed at Rotter­dam, but I verified what had been foretold. I forgot all my promises and resolutions. The unrenewed and cor­rupt heart, being free from the force put upon it by the natural conscience under appearance of hazard, took its old course. I returned to former evils, and grew worse. Corruption, that had been dammed in for a little, having easily forced down all these mounds raised to hold it in, run with the greater violence. It is true, through the mercy of God, I was still res [...]ined from open scandalous sins. Toward which the awe of my godly and prudent mother, and principles of education, did contribute not a little. But as to secret evils of all sorts I had no aversion to them: Nay, to many of them I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my own inclinations. I was a ready and easy prey to every temptation, not­withstanding all my engagements; Jer. ii. 20. And then saidst, I will not transgress, when upon every high hill, and under every green tree thou wanderest, playing the harlot.

5. My sins, in this place, had this grievous aggravation, that they were against greater light, and more of the means of grace than I had formerly enjoyed. On the Lord's day we had three sermons and two lectures in the Scots church; on Thursday, a sermon there likewise. On [Page 37]Tuesday, one of the suffering ministers by [...]rns preached. There was a meeting for prayer on Wednesday. On Monday and Friday's night Mr. James Kirkton common­ly lectured in his family. On Saturday he catechised the children of the Scots sufferers who came to him. My mother took care to have me attend mod of these occa­sions, was careful to keep me to duty, was not wanting in advice, correction, prayer with and for me; she obliged me to read the scriptures and other edifying books. But so far were all these from obtaining a due effect on me, that I was weary of them, and went on in sin: Isa. v. 4. What could have been done more, (viz. in point of outward means), to my vineyard, that I have not d [...]? Wherefore when I looked that it should have brought forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes? Mal i. 13. Ye said [...], (viz. of the Lord's service), What a weariness is in it? And ye have senffed at it, saith the Lord of bests: And ye brought that which was torn, and the lame, and the sick; thus ye have brought an offering: should I accept this of year band, saith the Lord?

6. At this time I wanted not frequen [...] convictions, oc­casioned sometimes by the preaching of the word, and at other seasons by the light of my educatica, which still hung about me, and was a check upon me: But all this was only like the starts of a sl [...]ping man, occasioned by some sudden noise; up he gets, but presently be is down, and faster asleep than before. I found means to get rid of these convictions—1. I would, when they were u [...]ua [...]y, promise them a hearing afterwards: Acts xxiv. 25. And as Paul reasoned of right [...]s [...]ess, temperance, and judgment to come, Felix trembled; and answered, Go thy way, and when I have a c [...]nient sea [...]n I will call for thee. 2. At other seasons, I looked to the tendency of them, that they aimed at engaging me to be holy, and then I pored upon the difficulties of that course, till I not only got the edge of my convictions blunted, b [...]t frighted myself from a compliance: Prov. xxii. 13. The sluggard saith, There is a lion in the way, and I shall be [...]ain in the streets. 3. When convictions were lighter, I got rid of them by withdrawing from the means: Ja [...]es 1. [...]3. 24. If a man be a bearer of the word and not a doer, he is like unto a man [Page 38]bebolding his [...]u [...]l face is a gless: For be be [...]ldeth him­self, and g [...]th his way, and straightway f [...]getteth what manner of man [...]e was. 4. Sometimes I promised thea [...] fair, and so put them off at that time, but minded it not afterwards: Matth. xxi. 30. — And be said to the second likewise, and be answered, I go sir, and went not. 5. Some­times ther issued in fr [...]itiess, u [...]active, and slothful wishes. Prov. xiii. 4. The [...] of the s [...]ggard desir [...]th, and hath nothing. xxi. 25. The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his bands refase to lab [...]r. 6. At other times when they were ti [...]bleso [...], I turned [...]ine eye to something which I thought good, in my way, though, the Lord knows, little was there that had so much as any tolerable appear­ance of good. Yet so foolish was I, that I rested here, as [...] had been not only enough to atone for by-gones, [...] good at God's hand: Luke xviii. 10, 11. [...] [...]vent up into the temple to pray, the one a Pharisee, the other [...] publican. The Pharise [...] stood and prayed with himself, God I thank thee that I am not as other men, extar­tioners, [...]just, adulterers, or even as this publican, &c. 7, Sometimes endeavoured to diminish my sin as much as I could: Hof. xii. 8. In all my labours they shall find [...] iniquity in me, that were fin. 8. When these shifts sailed, and they were still uneasy, I then betook myself to diversions, and they choaked the word, and convic­tions from it: Lake viii. 14. And that which fell among therus are they, which when they have [...]ard, go forth, and are ch [...]abed with cares and riches, and pleasures of this life, and bring [...]o fruit to perfection.

7. Abont this time, I met with some things that cros­sed [...]. Hereon I turned thoughtful, what way to ri [...] myself of these difficulties. I seemed more than ordinary concerned, and my spirit was much troubled; yet really this strai [...] [...]d [...]e not to God. But my thoughts were spent in rese [...]en [...] against the real, or supposed authors of my uneasiness, in proud, selfish, and vain contrivances for mine own case and relief: Psal. [...]. 4. The wiched [...] the pride of his countenauce, will n [...]t seek after God: God is not in all his, thoughts. Job xxxv. 9, 10. They cry on [...] by reason of the arm of the mighty: But none s [...]ith, Where is God my Maker, who giveth songs in the night Is [...]. xxii. [Page 39]8, 11. And then di [...] lock in that day to the armour of the b [...]se of the forrest, &c. But ye have n [...] l [...]ked u [...]to the Maker thereof, [...]ther had respect to him that foshimed it long ago.

8. About the month of December 1686, upon the ear­nest desire of my father's sister, married to John Glass, provost of P [...]rth, I was sent home. While I staid in his family, I saw nothing of religion, though my aunt was a woman very moral. Here I was much indulged. I got liberty, and I to [...]k it. I faw little of the worship of God, and I easily complied, and turned remiss too. What fur­ther advancer toward an open rejection of the very form of religion, I made in this place, I do not now, at this distance, distinctly remember: but no doubt they were great. This I do remember, that I sound my aversion to these sins, which through the influence of education I [...]ominated before, sensibly weakened. Yea, I sound [...]e secret hankering after some of them, a delight in them who were guilty, and a sort of approbation of them in my heart. Yet still I was, in a great measure, restrained from an avowed practical compliance, by the awful impres­sions early instruction had left on my mind, which were not as yet wholly worn off; though far were they decayed, considering the shortness of my stay, whence I may easily discern what had become of them, if I had stayed longer here. Further I mind, that at this time I had a great aversion to learning, which was the only good thing that in this place was urged upon me. I looked on it as a bur­den and drudgery, to which the basest employments were to be preferred, and hence I no way set my heart to it; but trifled my time a [...]ay. And many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I might get the time shuffled o­ver: Psal. l [...] 17, 18, 21. Thus I hated instruction, and c [...]st God's word behind my back. When thou sawest a th [...] th [...]u consen [...]edst with him, and hast been partakers with [...] ­dulterers. These things hast thou done, and I kept silen [...]; and thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thyself.

9. Thus I spent the winter. In the spring, 1687, my mother fearing that I might be ensnared with the compa­ny I was now amongst, came home for me, as minding the wise man's observation, Prov. xxix. 15. The rod and [Page 40]reproof give wisdom: But a child left to himself bringe [...] his mother to shame. Rom. i. 30. 2 Tim. iii. 3. But [...] great was my wickedness, that in spight of natural affection I was grieved at her return, and when first I heard her voice it damped me; I cared not to see her. Nothing I disliked more, than a godly and affectionate mother's con­verse. I seared to be questioned as to by-gones, I feared she would carry me away back to Holland, whereby I would be put under uneasy restraints from my sinful liber­ty. Jer. ii. 25. But thou saidst, There is no hope. No. for I have loved strangers, and after them will I go.

10. In the spring, or towards summer, my mother carried me with her, much against my will; and put me to school there, at Erasmus' school. I stayed but sho [...] while there. But the advantageous method of teaching tock with me; I began to delight in learning, and quick­ly turned proud of my success. But otherwise lived as I had done before, still worse and worse under all the means God made use of to bring me near, and keep me close to him.—Je [...]. xiii. 11. As the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so [...]ave I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel, and the whole house of Ju [...]ab; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praise, and for a glory: But they would not hear.

CHAP. II. Containirg an account of the revival of convictions, their ef­fects, progres [...], issues, and interruptions, from the close of 1687, to 1690 or 1691, when I went from Perth to stay at Edinbergh.

1. IN the month of February 1687, king James emitted his proclamations for indulgence, whereon most of those who had sled ventured home; and my mother a­mongst others, toward August or September, that year. It had been for my advan [...] [...]bably, for my educa­tion, to have stayed [...] made me unwilling to return. In our retu [...]n we were in imminent danger of shipwreck on the Scars of England, but by the mercy of God escaped. The danger was sudden, and suddenly o­ver, [Page 41]and so lest little or no impression on me. When we came home we fixed at Perth, and abode there till harvest 1690, or 1691, I cannot be positive which. What was my case as to my soul concerns during this time, so far as I remember, I shall here narrate.

2. Presently upon our settlement in this place I was entered to school; and made some better proficiency than before. But as to religion, I continued as uncon [...]rned as ever, as intent upon sin, as averse to duty as f [...]erly. However I carried under my mother's eye, when I was among my comrades I took my liberty, and went with them into all the follies and extravagances they went into; but with this aggravation above most of them, that what I did I knew to be a fault very of [...]en, whereas they, at least many of them, did not. Yea, not only went I along with them, but was foremost, and enticed others to folly. Yet still, through the mercy of God, kept from openly scandalous evils, save once, that I mind, with some other boys I was sei [...]ed in a garden, taking some fruit; where­of I was much ashamed, and never attempted the like a gain; not from any real dislike of the sin, but sears of a discovery. And thus I continued till toward the close of king James' reign, when fears of a massacre or some sudden stroke from the papists, whereof then there was a great noise every where, revived my concern about religion. Psal. lxxviii. 34, 35. But when he slew them then they sought him: and [...] returned and enquired carly after God. And they remembered that God was their ro [...]k, and the high God their Redeemer.

3. This concern being some deeper, and the effects of it more remarkable and lasting, I shall endeavour a dis­tinct account of it. About this time, the Lord, by the means I lived under, the preaching of the word, cate­chi [...]ing in public and private, enlightened my mind fur­ther in the notional knowledge of the law and gospel. My capacity growing with my years, and knowledge of what was sin and what was duty, and what the fearful consequences of sin were, and the advantages of duty, in­creasing; sin was lest open and naked without the ex­cuse of ignorance, and conscience had a further advan­tage, being armed with more knowledge, and better in­formed [Page 42]hereon its checks, when now by the Lord's pro­vidences it was in some measure awakened, were more frequent and sharp, and not so easily to be evaded: John xv. 22. If I had not come and spoken to them, they had not had sin, but n [...]w they have no cloak for their sin.

4. Some touches of sickness riveted on me the impres­sions of mortality and frailty, and the tendency of each of those [...]merous train of diseases, by which we are daily expo [...] to death. Hereon I was brought into and kep [...] un [...]er continual bondage through fears of d [...]ath, Heb. ii. 15.

5. Bot that which above all affected me most deeply, and gave [...]n edge to convictions, was the continual fears we were in of being suddenly destroyed by the papists: This kept death in its most terrible shape ever in mine eyes and thoughts: And to my great terror, I saw wrath and [...]udgment following it. The s [...]ers in Zion are afraid, fearful [...]ss hath surprised the hypocrites: Who [...] [...]s shall dwell with devenring fire? Who [...] [...]s shall d [...]ell with everlasting b [...]nings? Isa. xxxiii. 15.

6. Hereon I was east into grievous disquietment, Psal. xiii. 2. I te [...]k counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily. I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two. On the [...] hand, my convictions of sin were sharp, fears of a present d ath and judgment quickened them; this made me attend more to the word; the more I attended to it they increased the more, and I was daily persuaded more and more, that there was no way to be rid of them, but by turning religious. On the other hand, if I should engage in carnest with religion, then I saw the hazard of suffering for it, and wist not but I might be called im­mediately to die for it; and this I could not think of do­ing. Betwixt the two I was dreadfully tossed in my own mind; some nights sleep went from mine ey [...]s, and I was full of trouble. I set imagination a-work, and did some­times strongly impress myselt with the fancy of an Irish cut-throat holding a dagger to my breast, and offering me these ter [...], ‘Quit your religions, turn papist, and you [...]ha [...] live: Hold it, and you are dead’. The imagination was sometimes so strong, that I have fainted almost with it, and still I was dre [...]dfully unresolved what [Page 43]to do: Sometimes I would let him give the fatal stroke; but hereon my spirits shrunk, and my heart failed at the apprehension of death: At other times I resolved to quit my religion, but with resolution to take it up again when the danger was over. But here I could get no rest. What, thought I, if the treacherous enemy destroy me after I have done it, and so I lose both life and religion? And what if I die before the danger is over, and so [...]i [...]e be not allowed me to repent? Hos. vii. 11. Ephr [...] [...] silly dove without a heart; they call to Egypt and they go to As­syria.

7. This sort of exercise frequently recurred, and I con­tinued this way at times, ever till after the bottle of Gil­lechrankie, which [...]as sought July 27th, 1689. It had some interruptions, and then I was remiss as before, but for near a year, few weeks, and frequently few days or nights, passed over me without some such exercise: But the fears of the papists being quickly over, my remaining difficulty was only with my convictions. Now as to these, I endeavoured to relieve myself, 1. By promises of abstain­ing from those fins which most directly crossed my light, and for which I was most plainly challenged, Exod. ix. 28. And Phar [...]ab called for Moses and Aaron, and said, Intreat the Lord for me—and I will let the people go. 2. I took sanctuary [...] resolutions of enquiring into the Lord's mind, and comp [...]ying. But when I consulted any practical book, or the ministry of the word, and found them not give such directions as agreed with my unrenewed heart. I was grieved, and stuck there: Marth. xix. 16, 21, 22. ‘And behold, one came to him, and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do that I may have e­ternal life.—Jesus said [...]nto him, if thou wilt be per­fect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: For he had great possessions.’ 3. I thought to find peace in a more careful attendance upon duties: Rom. x. 3, 4. ‘Thus being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish [...]ine own righteousness, I submitted not myself unto the righteousness of God; nor shewed I any regard to [Page 44]Christ, who is the end of the law for righteousness, to every one that believeth.’

8. Though my foolish heart run to those courses, yes really they afforded no solid repose: For, 1. The first fin against light, and the first omission of d [...]ty, which very speedily ensued upon the intermission of the force that present conviction put upon me, shock all. And I was confounded at the thoughts of appearing before God in a right [...] so plainly ragged, that where it had one piece it wanted two, Isa, Iziv. 6. 2. Though these ways gave some case where trials were at a distance; yet when the thoughts of death came near, I found not quiet here: This was not gold tried in the [...]ire, nor would it a [...]le so much as a near-hand view of a trial: [...] at the very ap­pearance of a storm, this sandy foundation shook, Marth. vii. 27. 3. Whenever convictions were awakened as to new sins, challenges for old ones recurred, which shewe [...] that the cure was not perfect ^*. Isa. l. 11. ‘Behold all ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about with sparks: Walk in the light of your fire, and in the sparks that ye have kindled: This shall ye have of mine hand, ye shall lie down in sorrow.’

9. The effects of this exercise, that abode and increased afterwards, were principally these three: 1. Hereby I was brought into a doub [...] about the truths of [...]igion, the being of God, and things eternal. This he [...]tation was no [...] from any arguments that offered themselves against these truths; o [...] from any suspicion of ministers, pa­rents, or others from whom I had received them: But merely from this, that whenever, in danger or strains, I would build on them, a suspicion secretly haunted me, What if these things are not? Whence I was brought to think, that I had not certainty and evidence about them answerable to the weight that was to be laid on them. I thought death, and the trouble attending it, were cer­tain and sensible things: But I could not get my mind satified, and fully assured upon the truths of religion. S [...]l, when under apprehensions of death, I would have taken [Page 45]rest upon the truths of religion, the persuasion failed me, and my mind began to waver: though I could give no reason of this, Prov. iv. 19. The way of the wicked is as darkness: They know not at what they st [...]mble. 2. I was hereby persuaded, and this persuasion ever after increased in strength, that I could never have peace till I came to another sort of evidence and certainty about the truths of religion, than I was yet acquainted withal. Death I saw inevitable, it might be very sudden. I was capable of be­ing impressed with the fore-thoughts of it, and could no [...] banish them. Therefore concluded I, unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it, as will make me not only look at death without fear, but go through it with comfort, better for me I had never been: But how or where this was to be obtained, I was utterly [...]ncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholy impressions that I had hitherto spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which prof [...]th not, Isa. Iv. 2. 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased, while, one day or other, reading in the close of the Fulfilling of the Scrip [...]ies, how Mr. Robert Bruce was shaken about the being of a God, and how at length he came to the fullest satiss [...]ction; hereby a hope secretly sprung up, that one time or other, in one way or other, the like might befal me, and that the Lord might satisfy me in this. Here was the dawning of a light, that though long it did not fully clear [...]p, yet was never put wholly out again; though it was far from satisfying, yet it kept from despair as to the issue: Mark viii. 23. And be took the blind man by the band and led him ou [...] of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hara's on him, be asked him if be saw ought. And be looked up and said, I see men as trees walking.—But all this notwith­standing the vail still remained untaken away, 2 Cor. iii. 14, 15.

10. About this time, one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend old minister, preached at Perth, and came to visit my mother; called for me, and among other questions, he asked me, if I sought a blessing on my learning? To which I ingenuously answered, No. He replied with an austere look, ‘Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done [Page 46]much mischief to the kirk of God.’ This saying stuck with me ever after, and left a deep impression [...] me; so that whenever I was any way straitened, I ap­plied to God by praver for help in my learning, and par­don for n [...] seeking his blessing. But this was only when more than ordinarily difficulted.

But [...] to the main, all this exercise left me where I was before, afar off from God. and an [...] to him in my mind, which I evidented by wicked works, Col. i. 21.

CHAP. III. Giving an account of the increase of my convictions, during my stay at Edinburgh, from harvest 1690, or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain refuges I betook myself to for relief.

1. MY mother designing to have me well educated, for the advantage of better schools, in harvest 1690, or 1691, did remove to Edinburgh, and sixed me at Mr. Gavin Weir's school, where I stayed (save only for the space of some months that I abode in Carlop's family, and learned with his children and some others, under one who had been an under teacher to Mr. Weir, and af­ter his re [...]l taught a few privately) till November 169 [...], when I entered to the college, under Mr. Ale [...] ­ander Cuningham. Here it was my mercy that I sell in with sober comrades, and bookishly inclined. But this is n [...] my design to narrate; and therefore I proceed to ob­serve the step [...] of the Lord's work with me as to my soul.

2. While I abode here, the Lord gave not over his dealings with me, Acts xii, 18. About the time of forty years, suffered he their manners in the wilderness. Long also did he bear with my manners. In this place the work went on: For, 1st, As kn [...]wledge increased, so co [...]ic­tions, it not in force, yet in number, increased: still as knowledge of the law grew, which it daily did under the means of grace, the knowledge of sin also grew: For my the law is the knowledge of sin, Rom. vii. 7. The Lord daily let me see, that he was wroth [...]on account of sins that formerly I had not noticed, Psal. l. 21. These [Page 47]things thou hast [...], and I kept silence: Thou thoughted I was such an [...] as thyself: But I [...]l reproce thee, and set thy sins in order before [...]. [...], By new af­flictions the impressions of my mortality were riveted, and I was still the further in berdage through the growing fears of death, Heb. ii. 15. 3dly. The word being daily preached, and daily meeting with me, forced me, though unwilling, to make some enquiry int [...] my sincerity in re­ligion, which I now made some profession of. A close word will, at length, even bring a judas to say, Master, Is it I? Match. xxvi. 20, 21, 22, 23. 4thly. By the means of grace, Herod-like, to save some bosom idols, engaged me, Mark vi. [...]0. to do many things, and hear the word gladly.

3. The means whereby these effects were wrought, were, 1st, The preaching of the word: Rev. i. 16. By the two edged sword that goes out of his mouth, the Lord did oft wound me, and the secrets of my heart were made manifest. I found the word a discer [...]er of the thoughts of the heart, and its in [...]e [...]ts, I Cor. xiv. 29. Heb. 17. 12. 2dly. [...]he Lord made use of the rod. He [...]id his hand on me. When I was well and in health, the word did not affect so much, nor did I attend to it so carefully. Jer. xxii. 21. I spake unto thee in [...]hy prosperity, and thou would [...]st not hear: This has been thy manner from thy youth, that than obeyedst not the voice of the Lord.— Hof. v. 15. In their affliction they will seed me early. Job xxxvi. 8, 9. If they be bound in fetters, and be holden in cords of [...]ffliction: Then be sh [...]th [...]nto them their work, and th [...] transgressions that they have exceeded. 3dly, I rend Shepherd's treatise, called. The sincere Convert, which galled me, and cut me to the quick: it came very close home to me, and affected me very much, and put me to question deeply my sincerity.

4. By these means I was driven sometimes to great ex­tremity, and carried the length of a form of religion. I prayed not only evening and morni [...], but at some other times retired, and would weep plentifully in secret, and read, and pray, and resolve to live otherwise than I had d [...]o [...]. But his goodness was at the morning cloud, and ear­ly d [...], Hos. vi. 4. It kept pace with my convictions. [Page 48]It was force, not nature; and this strictness lasted no lon­ger than the force that occasioned it did. And Joash did that which was right in the fight of the Lord, all the days of Jehoi [...]da the pri [...]st.—But Jehoiada waxed old—and died, 2 Chron. xxiv. 2, 15, 17, 18. Now after the death of Jehoiada, came the princes of Judah, and made obeisance to the king, and the king hearkened unto them. And they left the house of the Lord God of their fathers, and served groves and id [...]ls.

5. While I was under these distresses, many a wicked shist did I betake myself unto for relief, though without effect, Hos. v. 13. When Ephrain saw his sickness and Judah his wound, then went Ephraim to the Assyrian, and seat to king Jarch, yet could be not heal you, nor care you of your wound. When searching marks were offered from the word, which tended to discover my naughtiness, or when I read them in books, 1st, If any thing was spoken or mentioned, that did in appearance make for me, then I greedily griped to that: For I was very unwilling to see my own hypocrisy; and therefore, if; I had but a shew to found my claim, I laid hold on what was offered; like the young man, when Christ spoke of keeping the com­mandments, he answered, being unacquainted with the spiritual extent of the law, Matth. xix. 20. All these things have I kept from my youth, what lack I yet? So said I. 2dly, When I found somewhat required, that I neither had nor tesolved to comply with, because perhaps it was, on some account or other, dear, then I resolved to compound the matter, and make amends some other way, and beg a licence for that, like Naaman, 2 Kings v. 17, 18. Thy servant will henceforth offer neither burnt­offering nor sacrifice unto other gods, but unto the Lord. In this thing the Lord pardon thy servant, that when my master goeth into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leaneth on my hand, and I how myself down in the house of Rimmon. 3dly, When any mark was offered, that I could not shift, [...] pretend unto, then I was ready to question, whether he that offered it were not mistaken, and secretly questioned the truth, following the measure Sa­tan took with Eve, Gen. iii. 1, 4. — Yea hath God said, ye shall not cat of every tree of the garden. And again, [Page 49]— Ye shall not surely die. 4thly, When I could not see, not through the want of sufficient light, but through my unwillingness to admit it. I was ready to quarrel that ministers and books did not tell me plainly: John x. 24. Then came the Jews round about him, and said un­to him, How long dost thou make as to doubt? If thou be the Christ tell us plainly. Jesus answered them, I told you, and you believed not. 5thly, Sometimes when I was grav­led with a mark, I promised it a hearing at a more con­venient season, and so like Felix shifted the trouble for the time, Acts xxiv. 25. 6thly, Sometimes I would slip over these things that made against me: Acts xvii. 32. He that doth evil, c [...]meth not to the light, because his deads are [...]vil, lest they should be repreved, John ii. 20. 7thly, I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least de­grees of grace that might be saving. I designed only as much religion as would take me to heaven; and therefore I still enquired with the young man, What good thing shall I do that I may inherit eternal life? Matth. xix. 16. I desired no more than would do this, serve this tern; and any thing that would serve this, provided my beloved lusts were spared, I would, with him, resolve upon. 8thly, When more of these shifts would avail, in the general I would resolve upon doing any thing that the Lord required, like him that said, Lake ix. 57, 58. Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goast. But then, with him, I still retracted when the Lord, as he oft did, did tell me of particulars he would try me in, which were cross to my inclination. 9thly, When I saw I behoved to quit these, of which the Lord oft convinced me, then I begged a lit­tle respite or delay, and I would comply: Angustine-like, "I was content to be holy, but not yet." And another also said, Luke ix. 61, 62. Lord I will follow thee, but let me first go bid them farewell which are at home at my house. And Jesus soid, No man having put his hand to the plough and looting back, is sit for the kingdam of God. An excuse, a delay, in God's account, is a plain refusal: For all commands and invitations require present obedi­ence; a Cor. vi. 2. Now is the accepted time. New is the day of salvation, Heb. iii. 15. And to-day if you will hear bis voice, harden not your hearts. 10thly. [...]fter all [Page 50]ways were [...]d, I found no relief. I blamed my edu­cation, I knew there was some change; my question was, whether is were the right one? Now, thought I, if I had not been religiously educated, but had turned all at once, it would have been more easily discernable. Thus I [...] inta [...]gled in my own ways, Isa. lix. 9, 10. We [...] for [...]ight, but behold obscurity; for brightness, but [...]e [...]alk in dar [...]ness. We grope for the wall like the blind, [...] we grop [...] as we had [...] eyes: We s [...]mble at [...] day [...] it the night [...] are [...] and [...] had been to my [...] Psal. [...] they [...]. Prov, xiv. 6. The [...] seeketh [...]isdom, and [...]deth it not. [...] and shifts my heart used, which now [...] I cannot remember. But these are the [...] which do occur upon [...]eflection; and in them [...] is it, that the heart is dec [...]itful above all th [...] [...] wicked. Whe [...] or can know it [...].

6. Though now I seemed sometimes to have go [...] far, yet really I was [...]holly wrong. For, 1st All this while, being convinced of the necessity of a righteousness, but [...]g [...]orant of Christ, 'I sought it by the works of the law,' [...]om. xi. 3. 2dly. The carnal mind tha [...] 'is enmity [...] God, and is not subject to the law of God,' still comm [...]d; Rom. viii. 7. 3dly. All my exercise was on­ly a [...] betwixt light, and love to sin: and sin still [...] it; for my bosom idols I would by no means part with. 4thly, Self was the animating principle of any form of religion that I had. So much of it as would save from hell, or take me to heaven, and no more, I desired. 5thly. All this religion came and went with the occa­sions mentioned: It was not abiding.

7. Providentially about this time Clark's Martyrology was cast into my hand. I loved history, and read it gree­dily. And some impressions it left on me, that wanted not their own use now and afterwards; 1st, The patience, joy, and courage of the martyrs, persuaded me that there [...] a power, a reality in religion, beyond the power of mere nature. 2dly, I was convinced that I was a stran [...] [Page 51]get [...] this, be [...] I [...] not think of su [...]ng. 3dly, I was brought to some faint desires after acquain­tance with this power of religion: Dan ii. 18, 29. ‘Then Neb [...]chadnezzer spake, and said, blessed be the God of Shadrachi Meshach, and Abednego.—There is [...] other God that can delives after this sort.’ Oft was I in reading this book, at Balarm's wi [...], ‘Let [...] di [...] the death of the righteous, and let my laft end be like his,’ Numb. xxii. 10. But like him, I loved not their life.

8. [...] that at this time, 1st, God restrained [...] many [...], and I was [...] to, by my bodily in [...]y, a trouble in my joints, [...]ich made me unable to go. ‘Thus he hedged in my way.’ Hos. ii. 6. that I should not sind my lovers. 2dly. The Lord in mercy provided me comrades, that were tender of me, and took care of me. He fed me, and led me, though I knew him not, Hos. ii. 8. Isa. xlv. 3. Jer. ii. 17. 3dly. So far was I from being thankful, that my proud beart fretted that I was kept from these things others followed. I would have been at rejoicing at my strength; and vexed I was, that I had an occasion of glorying out off. And I was not thankful either for the Lord's cutting off, by this means r [...]a [...]y occasions of sin; not for his mercy in providing persons to take case of me. O what reason have I to say, ‘The Lord is good to the unthankful and evil,’ Luke vi. 33.

CHAP. IV. Containing an account of the progress of the Lord's work, the straitr I was reduced to and the courses I took for relief, from May 1693, when I left Edinburgh, till I went to the family of Wemyss, August 1696.

1. THE air agreeing neither with my mother nor me, the was advised, and at length resolved to leave Edinburgh, and go to St. Andrews, a place more whole­some, and more convenient for my education, to which she always had a special regard. Here I cannot but observe the remarkable kindness of the Lord in guiding [Page 52] [...] though then I took no notice of it, Isa. xlv. 6. ‘I am the Lord, and there in none else, there is no God beside me: I girded thee though thou hast not known me.’ 1st, At a time when my heart inclined me most to folly, and by my entering to the college, I was ex­posed to many temptations to it, the Lord seas [...]bly [...]id his hand on me, and try [...]ed me with [...] mean to restrain [...], and keep me from contracting any intimacy with those, whose converse might have prover prejudicial to me, and to engage me to choose sober com­rades. Deut. viii. 5. ‘Thou shal [...] also [...] in [...] heart, that a [...] man chasteneth his son, so [...] thy God chasteneth thee.’ Again, 2dly, This is [...] during the first two months of my stay at the [...] [...] ­ing only in my joints, did dot hinder, but fu [...]er my studi [...]s; and the Lord provided one who, though, [...] stranger, and under no special obligations, yet attended me as close as he had been my servant, and was as tender of me as if he had been my brother. During this time, I made [...] greater proficiency in the Latin tongue, than ever I has formerly done; the regent I was under being very skilful in teaching it, and attending very carefully. After this time [...] ill, and was not capable to attend; and I fell ill, and was thereby obliged to remove to St. An­drews, which was much to my advantage. For I came under the care of Mr. Thomas Taylor, a man very capa­ble, and very careful of, and kind to me; and the class I [...], the regent continued indisposed that year, and falling next year into a phrency. Thus the Lord chased me from place to place for my good, and every where provided one friends, Deut. xxii. 10. ‘He found him in a desert lands and in the waste and howling wil­derness: He led him about and instructed him, he kept him as the apple of his eye.’ But God's kindness in guiding to places for my good, and keeping from incon­veniences, snares, and dangers, into which others fell, had no effect on, nor were they noticed by me. Jer. ii. 6, 7. ‘Neither said they. Where is the Lord that brought us up out of the land of Egypt, that led us through the wilderness, through a land of deserts, and of pits, through a land of drought, and of the shadow of death.—And I [Page 53]brought you into a plentiful country, to eat the fruit thereof, and the goodness; but when ye entred ye de­filed my land, and made mine heritage an abomina­tion.’

2. When I fettled at St. Andrews, the Lord lest not his work, and striving with me; but the same sovereign grace that begun went on with it. Ezek. xx. 6, 8, 9. ‘I lifted up my hand unto them, to bring them out of the land of Egypt.—But they rebelled against me, and would not hearken unto me.—Then said I, I will pour out my fury upon them.—But I wrought for my name's sake.’ Ezek. xxxvi. 32. ‘Not for your sakes do I this, saith the Lord God, be it known unto you: Be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O honse of Israel.’

3. Here the Lord cast my lot under choice means of grace; the ministry of worthy Mr. Thomas Forrester. Under his searching ministry, the Lord began to give me some small discoveries of the more secret and spiritual evils of my heart, and carried me (Ezek. viii. 12.) into the secret chambers of imagery, to let me see what my heart did in the dark. 1st, He opened mine eyes to discern some­what of that world of pride that is in the heart, and the wickedness of it. Though I was some way convinced of my own weakness, when I had any difficulty more than ordinary before me, and would seek help from God, yet when I got through, I valued myself upon my acquittance. Of the wickedness and unjustness of this, the Lord in some measure convinced me: I Cor. iv. 7. ‘What haft thou, O man, that thou haft not received? And if thou haft received, wherefore dost thou boast?’ 2dly, He con­vinced me of the wickedness of the straying of my heart after idols, especially in the time of worship: Ezek. xi. 21. ‘But as for them whose heart walked after the heart of their detestable things, and their abominations, I will recompence their ways upon their own heads, saith the Lord God.’ Ezek. xiv. 4, 6. ‘For every one of the house of Israel, or of the stranger—which fetteth up his idols in his heart, and putteth the stumbling block of his iniquity before his face, and cometh to a pro­phet to enquire of him concerning me, I the Lord will [Page 54]answer him by myself.’ I was made to see, in some measure, the danger of offering such duties to him, who requireth us, Deut. xxxii. 46. to set our hearts to what he speaks, and to keep our feet when we come to the house of God, Eccl. v. i. 3dly, I was likewise made to see some­what of my trusting to my duties, and resting on the bare performance, inasmuch as I was not for most part challenged for unsuitable performance, but for the intire o [...]ission of them), and with the Pharisee I thought it e­nough, if I could say, that I did the duty. But now the Lord let me see, that more was required; though with him I could say, I fasted twice a week, Luke xviii. 12. the Lord convinced me, that he might answer, When ye fasted, did ye at fast unto me, even to me? Zech. vi. 5.

4. These, when added to former discoveries of guilt, gave frequently much disturbance, and cast me into rack­ing perplexity and disquietment; but the darkness and en­mity of my mind remaining, I still had recourse to wick­ed and vain courses for peace, such as these formerly mentioned; but they afforded me little quiet. Pharaoh-like, I engaged to amend those things wherein formerly I had failed; but, with him, I quickly broke, when the force that drove to this was over. At last finding no peace in any of these courses, I resolved to enter into solemn covenant with the Lord; and accordingly I wrote and subscribed a solemn covenant, whereby I bound myself to be for God: like Israel, when under the awful impressions of Sinai, and the dreadful appearance of God there, I said, Deut. v. 23, 28. ‘All that the Lord our God shall say unto us, we will hear and do it:’ And like the scribe that came to Christ, Luke ix. 57. ‘Master I will follow thee whitherfoever thou goest.’

5. When I had once done this, then I concluded all was right: For, I. I found a sort of present peace. Amend­ment I thought sufficient attonement, and such an engage­ment I looked on as performance. I now said, Prov. vii. 14. ‘I have peace-offerings with me: this day I have paid my vows.’ 2. I at this time found frequently an unusual sweetness in hearing of the word; especially in hearing Mr. Forrester lecture on Acta xiii. 53. on the Sabbath night. Here as I received sometime the most [Page 55]piercing convictions, 1 Cor. xiv. 25. so I received testes of the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, Heb. vi. 5. Thus, like the stony ground, ‘I heard the word, and anon with joy received it,’ Match. xiii. 20.3. Common gifts increasing as light grew, I took them for special grace; and thus have taken up, with the foolish virgins, the lamp of a profession without oil, Match. xxv. 1. I began to set up for a virgin too, and like such I began to be esteemed, by some of them, for that which I really was not, but only appeared to be.

6. But the merciful and good God would not suffer me to rest here. Jer. ii. 35, 36, 37. ‘Yet thou sayest, Because I am innocent, surely his anger shall turn from me. Behold I will plead with thee, because thou say­est, I have not finned. Why gaddest thou about so much to change thy way? Thou also shalt be ashamed of Egypt, as thou wast ashamed of Aflyria. Yea thou shalt go forth from him, and thine hands upon thine head: For the Lord hath rejected thy confidences, and thou shalt not prosper in them.’ The Lord quickly let me see my mistake: For, I. The imaginary peace that I had by making this covenant, was quickly lost by breaking it. Corruption retaining still its power, its locks not being yet cut, whenever a temptation offered; Judges xvi. 21. like Sampson upon a cry of the Phi­listines being on him, it broke all those ties, with which I foolishly, like his deceived mistress, thought it bound: Like the children of Israel at Sinai ^*, I engaged fair­ly, and herein thought all right; but when I came to Kibrothhataavah, which was the next station in their way through the wilderness, and a temptation fell in my way, I fell a murmuring, loathing the manna, and lusting after the flesh, and this broke all. The Lord's wrath hereon being afresh intimated against me, as it was against them on that occasion. 2. Not only upon such breaches met I with challenges, but old ones were revived; and by this I found former accounts still to be standing against me, which filled me with consusion, and jealousies of these [Page 56]ways, Jer. ii. 22. ‘For though thou wash thee with nitre, and take thee much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked before me, saith the Lord.’ 3. The Lord insinuated some discovery of the treachery of my engagements: let me see how my heart was not sound, and how there were secret reserves in my engagements for some sins from which my heart was not divorced; though yet I remember, that at the time I made those engagements, when my heart put in for sparing these, my light forced me, as it were for the present, though not without reluctancy, to give them up, at least in words; but really I did not do it. Now the Lord gave some intimations of this heart-treachery, which when further discovered by the event, my covenant could not quiet me about. Deut. v. 29. ‘They have well spoken all that they have said. O that there such a heart in them.’ 4. The Lord le [...] loose some corruptions, like the Canaanites, to try me; took off the restraints, and then, like water dammed in, they became more violent and troublesome, and at length bore down all that I had set in their way: By these means the Lord let me see the fruitlessness and vanity of this covenant; which however specious like, was indeed but a covenant with death; and by the discovery I was put into the ut­most confusion, while the evil I thought I had provided against came upon me: Isa. xxviii. 19, 20. ‘From the time that it goeth forth it shall take you: For morn­ing by morning shall it pass over, by day and by night, and it shall be a vexation only to understand the report. For the bed is shorter, than that a man can stretch him­self on it: And the covering narrower, than that he can wrap himself in it.’ This I found verified to my sad experience.

7. Notwithstanding the felt vanity of these legal, sel­fish, anti evangelical courses, I still cleaved to them: For, I. The peace I lost by breaking, I still endea [...]oured to recover by renewing my covenant, [...] myself in the the greatness of ray way, and labouring in the fire. My heart, when I was defeat, gave me suel advice as the king of Syria got from his servants, when he was defeat by Israel— ‘Number an army like thou hast lost, horse for horse, and chariot for chariot, and we will sight a­gainst [Page 57]them in the plain and surely we shall be stronger than they,’ 1 Kings xx. 25. I laid the blame still on some accidental defect in my former management, and I thought were that provided against all would be well. 2. When still I found something wanting, I cast about in my own mind, and contrived to make it up with something estraordinary of my own; the multiplacation of duties, or some such thing or other. Micah vi. 6, 7. ‘Where­with shall I come before the Lord, and bow myself before the high God? Shall I come before him with burnt-offerings, with ca [...]es of a year old. Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, or with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my first-born for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?’

5. But still these vain refuges failed me, and my case was truly miserable while purs [...]ing them. Isa. xxx. 1, 2, 3. ‘Wo to the rebellious children, saith the Lord, that take counsel, but not of me: And that cover with a covering, but not of my spirit, that they may add fin to sin: That walk to go down to Egypt, and have not asked at my mouth, to strengthen themselves in the strength of Pharoah, and to trust in the shadow of E­gypt. Therefore shall the strength of Pharaoh be your shame, and the shadow of Egypt your confusion.’ Now, as I was really miserable in following these courses, so, if the Lord of insinite mercy had not prevented it, I had landed in one of four sad issues, wherein oft times such exercises and courses terminate; either, 1. If I had been freed from convictions, or the L rd had given over his striving with me, and carrying on the work of convic­tion; after convictions had carried me the length of a form of religion, I had surely, notwithstanding all the disappointments, sitten down satisfied with that, as having found the life of my hand; or having, by the endeavours of my hand and its labour, obtained that which would give me a sort of life, Isa. lvii. 10. ‘Thou art wearied in the greatness of my way, yet saidst thou not, There is no hope: Thou hast found the life of thine hand (that is, a sort of life by thy labour), therefore thou wast not grieved.’ Or, 2. If convictions had been carried on, [Page 58]and the Lord had lest me to follow those courses I took, I would have. (Hab. ii. 13. ‘laboured in the fire all my days, wearied and vexed myself for very vanity; (Isa lv. 2.) spending my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which doth not profit;’ in a continual vicissitude of vows, covenants, engagements, and resolutions; breaches and disquietments, engagements and false peace, breachea and racking convictions, would alternately having taken place. ‘And thus I had spent my days, and at the end been a fool,’ Jer, xvii, 11. Or, 3. After I had weatied myself for a while in those vain ways, I would utterly have given up with religion as a vain thing, and said, with those mentioned by the prophet, who said, ‘It is vain to serve the Lord; and and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinances, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?’ Mal. iii. 14. And so with them I had gone over to plain atheism and prosanity. Or, 4. Being for­ced to seek shelter from my convictions; and being so oft and sadly disappointed by all the ways I tried, I had at last ended in despair, like Judas; and said, 2 Kings vi, 33. 'This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer, like that wicked king? And in very deed I had some experience of all these issues. Sometimes I sat down with the form, Rev. iii. 17. ‘and judged I was rich and increased in goods, and stood in need of nothing.’ Some­times I wearied myself in running from one of those vain courses to another. At other seasons I turned careless, as finding no profit, and was just at throwing up all care of religion. And very oft I was upon the very brink of despair, almost quite distracted.

9. When I was thus disappointed, especially after the making, and frequent repeating of vows and engage­ments, I was cast into the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God recommended by ministers, mentioned in the scripture, and the people of God declared they had, found the bene­fit of it. I could not challenge myself, at least at some times, for known guile in the making of it. What I en­gaged to do, I was resolved upon at the time. I did en­gage with much concern and solemnity; and for some [Page 59]time after, I would have walked with much strictness: But though I could not then discern where the blame lay, I have since been made to see it. I. ‘Being ignorant of the righteousness of God, I still went about to esta­blish a righteousness of my own,’ Rom. x. 3. And though in words I renounced this, yet indeed I sought righteousness and peace, not in the ‘Lord Jesus Christ, who is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believes,’ (Rom. x. 4.) but in my own covenants and engagements; so that I really put them in Christ's room. 2. Whatever room I, in words, allowed Christ, as to forgiveness for by gones, yet my peace and hope of it for the future, and so my trust, was in the evenness of my own walk. I obtained not righteousness, because I sought it as it were by the works of the law, Rom. ix. 32. This neglect of Christ, and shuffling my own cove­nents and obedience in his room, was evident; because whenever I was challenged for sin, instead of recourse to his blood, I still sought peace only in renewing my vows. 3. The consent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness, but merely, in compliance with the constraint put upon me by my con­victions. But in very deed (Rom. viii. 7.) the enmity a­gainst it still continued. And I would not have made it my choice, if that had not forced me to it: so that I subjected not myself to it. 4. I engaged to live a new life with an old heart, not being yet made to see, that unless the tree is made good the fruit cannot be good, Matth. xii. 35.5. The eye was not single, Matth. xix. 16. vi. 22. All I aimed at was self, to be eased of convictions, and obtain peace from these racking disquietments I was un­der. I had not the least concern for the Lord's glory, provided I were safe. 6. In a word, I engaged before the Lord had thoroughly engaged me. We may be wil­wing in some sort, before the Lord hath made us truly wil­ling. I. John iv. 10. The first real kindness begins on his side; and we are never engaged to love till the Lord's kindness do draw us. The force of a strait, by convic­tions, may overpower us into some pretensions of kind­ness; thus it was with me. Willing I was to be saved from hell, and to have heaven, under the general notion [Page 60]of a good place; but no not to be saved in God's way, on his terms, and in order to these ends he proposes in the salvation of sinner [...].

10. This was no my only trouble at this time. Now I was engaged in the study of metaphysicks and natural theology, accustomed to subtile notions, and tickled with them; whereupon Satan, in conjunction with the natural atheism of my heart took occasion to cast me into racking disquietment about the great truths of religion, more e­specially the being of a God. Thus, in the justics of God, that wherein I delighted, I mean subtile and ab­stract notions, provad the occasion of much perplexing difficulty to me. For, 1. Some seeming success in my stadies, the first year I engaged in the study of philoso­phy, fostered the natural conceit we all have of our own ability to know, and emboldened me to proceed further than was meet. So true in that of the word, 1 Con vlii. 1. Knowledge puffeth up. Hereon the natural curi [...]ity of my vain mind took a liberty to enquire without fear into things too high, and made me promise myself satisfaction about them, in and by my own enquiries: Job xi. 12. Voin man would be wise, though be in like the wild asses's [...]lt. Thus he intrudes into those things which he hath not seen, Col. ii. 18. vainly past up by his fleshly mind. 3. And hereon suffering a disappointment, and failing of success, the natural atheism and enmity of my carnal mind, that rather inclines to reject the things of God than our own darkness, begun, when puzzled, to enquire, How can these things be! John iii. 9. Thus, Rom. i. 2. pr [...]sessing myself wise I became a feel. 4. Satan, that waits all advantages, finding me thus caught in the thick­et, plunged me deeper, by throwing in (Eph. vi. 6.) fiery [...] of subtile arguings against the being of a God; whereby all was set on a flame, and I so [...] cast into without convulsions.

11. This exercise about the being of God was much more disquieting than that formerly mentioned. Then, there was only an unsettledness of mind, proceeding from the selt want of evidence sufficient to quiet the [...] in that assurance of the truth that was necessary to embo [...] it without fear, in all its [...], to have [...] to, had [Page 61]take rest in God. Now, there were contrary disquieting arguments: Then I was only at that of the disciples, John xiv. 8. Lord, shew us the Father, and it sufficeth us: But now I was disturbed with the working of the ruler if darkness, Eph. vi. 12. and high imaginations exalting themselves against God, 2 Cor. x. 5.

12. Though the atheism and enmity of my heart a­gainst God were still unremoved and great, yet the Lord suffered me not to yield, but made me dread and recoil at the terrible conclusion aimed at by those arguings. For, 1. There remained so much of that natural knowledge of a Deity, which God hath made manifest even in the hea­thens, that is, in their consciences, Rom. i. 9. and there was so much of strength added to it by the external evi­dence of this truth, by the works of creation and provi­dence, as made me recoil at the thoughts of that horrible conclusion of the atheist, There is no God. 2. Being at the same time, deeply affected with deep apprehensions of the shortness and uncertainty of a present life, I dreaded to admit the conclusion, that I saw would shake the foundations of any hope of relief for the future from the other side of time, Psal. xi. 3. If the foundations be de­stroyed, what hath the righteous done?

13. In this strait, betwixt light that would not admit of a flat denial of the being of a God, and atheism enflam­ed and strengthened by Satan's fiery darts, I betook my­self still to vain and selfish courses. My disturbance was from reasonings, and I thought to relieve myself by my own reasonings. Nothing more, did I foolishly think, can be requisite to establish my mind about this truth, and for ever to quiet my mind in a firm assent to it, than to obtain demonstrative arguments for the being of a God: Thus I thought by searching to find out God, Job xi. 7. And like the Psalmist, when shaken about the providence of God, Psal. lxxiii. 16. I thought to know it. That is, by own reasonings, I expected to obtain establishment in the truth, and an answer to the objections urged a­gainst it.

14. Wherefore I seriously set myself to the search of such arguments; and I found them; but found not that relief I expected: Psal. lxxiii. 16. When I thought to [Page 62]know this, it was too painful for me. For, 1. The most strait­ening and forcible of those arguments, proceeding upon the absurdity of the contrary conclusion with great evidence, would not allow of any thing to be said to the argument, and so extorted an assent: But not enlightening the mind with any satissying notions and discoveries of the [...] God, whom they obliged me to own as existent, my poind was not quieted. For in things of any practical [...], without some competent measure of light about for na­ture of things, the soul requiring satisfaction, not only as to their reality, but their meetness to answer those prac­tical uses whereabout it is concerned, cannot rest without some discoveries of this: John xiv. 5. Thomas said [...] him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way? 2. These arguments forced indeed some assent in the time: But not dissolving contrary ob­jections, whenever the light of them was removed, and contrary objections came in view again, I was intirely shaken, like him in Cicero, who read Plato's arguments for the immortality of the soul, and said, ‘When I re [...]d I assent, but I cannot tell how: but so soon as I lay down the book, all this assent is gone.’ It is faith alone that, as the word is, Heb. xi. I. reproves contrary arguings, and plants in the soul an abiding light, that keeps the soul firm in its adherence to truth. Thus, like the philosophers of old, I Cor. i. 21 In the wisdom of God, by wisdom I knew not God.

15. Though I was thus intangled rather than extrica­ted, by these selfish shifts, yet my vain mind still follow­ed these courses. For, I. What hitherto I had sailed of, I expected I might find by some further progress in learning; and therefore I applied myself vigorously that way. But any little progress I made, made me still more sensible how far I was disappointed, and made me experience the truth of this, that he that increaseth know­ledge, increaseth sorrow, Eccl. i. 2 [...]. The further I pro­ceeded, I still found the more diffculties, and the less sa­tisfaction. When this course could not avail, then I spent my weary hours in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries: Luke xvi. 20. Nay, but if one rise from the dead, they will believe.

[Page 63] 16. Though I reached not the satisfaction I aimed at, yet I cannot but say this exercise had some useful effects. I. It let me see, that I had need of some further evi­dence and establishment about the truths of religion, than hitherto I had either attained or wist how to attain. Thus I had got some view of it before: Now I was more con­sirmed of. 2. My mind being sometimes more quieted as to these truths in hearing of the word, than by all my arguments, I was inclined to hope, this evidence I wanted might come from the Lord. 3. I was beat some­what from that towering opinion of my own knowledge and abilities to know, that my first seeming success in in philosophy gave me, and brought to an useful diffi­dence of my inability to reach satisfaction, even about natural things, and solve objections that lay against truths, which yet upon clear argument, I was forced to admit: Which afterwards was of confiderable use to me.

17. But during this period of time, under ali these wreitlings and strugglings betwixt growing light and sin, corruptions, as I grew in years, grew stronger and stron­ger, took deeper root, and received an increase of strength by occasional temptations, and new force from the weak resistance made to them by these vain courses, Rom. vii. 8, 9, 11. As the law came nearer, in its spiritual mean­ing and extent, sin revived, and appeared more discerni­ble in its strength; and sin taking occasion by the command­ment wrought in me inclinations to all evil. Being fretted, not subdued, it grew stronger, till at length it slew me.

18. Under this perplexity, I betook myself still to one or other of the fore-mentioned vain courses: Jer. ii. 36. I gadded about to change my way, sent to Egypt, went to [...]ssyria, yet could not they help me. But yet these exereises and perolexitics had some intermissions, and then I turn­ed remiss and careless: Hos. vi. 4. My go [...]ness, like the morning cloud and early dew, soon passed away.

19. However, by these means I was brought to a specious like form of religion. For now, 1. I took some care to avoid those sins, whether secret or open, that thwarted the light of my conscience most plainly. I not only obstained from these evils, to which most, even of the soberer sort of students, were srequently drawn over; [Page 64]but with a sort of resolution I kept at a distance from the occasions of them. Thus I begun, 2 Pet. ii. 20. to escape the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the truth. 2. I was more exact and punctual in attending duties, public, private, and secret, than heretofore, and that not without some concern, at least at sometimes, as to my in­ward frame in them. Thus I thought I kept his ordinances, Mal. ii. 14.3. When I was ensnared, either into the commission of sin, or omission of duty, I was brought to a deep sorrow; and for some time walked mournf lly before God, ibid. 4. Whereas I always had a sort of aw­ful regard for them that seared God, since ever I began to be in the least awakened, now I begun to have a sort of liking and kindness to them, and pleasure in their company and converse, even about matters of religion. Thus light forced an approbation of them on my mind, and so to give glory to God; their light so shining before me, Matth. v. 16. that I could not but take notice of them. 5. I had frequent tastes of the word of God; and the powers of the world to come, Heb. vi. 5. which made me delight, in approaching to God. And, 6. I got some things that looked like return of prayer, when, under a sense of im­potency, I betook myself to God by prayer. In any strait, I found help so remarkable, that I could not but take notice of it. The Lord hereby drew me gradually in to expect good in his way; and, though I was wrong in the main, as it were encouraged the faintest be­ginnings of a look toward a return. 1 Kings xxi. 19. And the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite, saying, Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me: Because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days: But in his son's days I will bring the evil upon his house.

20. Now, though by these means I got a name to live, yet really I was dead: For, 1. The natural darkness still remained uncured. Some dawnings of light were indeed begun, and some discoveries made of what formerly I had not known, yet the power of darkness still remained, and the vail was not yet taken away, nor were spiritual things seen in a true light, 2 Cor. iii. 14, 15. Eph. iv. 18. [Page 65]2. The enmity of my mind against the law ^*, especially in some instances, remained in force; there was not a respect to all God's commands, Psal. cxix. 6. I had not yet a sight of the beauty of holiness. Nor did I in my heart approve of the whole yoke of Christ's pre­cepts, as good and desirable. It was not that I delighted in holiness and conformity to the law, at least in some instances, but that I was undone without it, that made me aim at any sort of compliance. 3. I yet sought righ­teousness as it were by the works of the law, Rom. ix. 32. I was wholly legal in all I did, not seeing the necessity, the security, the glory of the gospel method of salvation, by seeking righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ a­lone, Rom. x. 4. Psal. lxxi. 16.4. Self was the spring of all: My only aim was to be saved, without any re­gard had to the glory of the Lord, or any enquiry made, how it might be consistent with it to save one who had so deeply offended? In a word, all my religion was constrained, violent, selfish, legal, and anti-evangelical. These, not to mention other things, were still wrong.

Reflections upon the foregoing exercise.

IT will not be improper to review the preceding exer­cise, and offer two or three observations.

1. The foregoing exercise affords me full confirmation of many of the truths contested by the Pelagians and o­thers, concerning man's inability to good, and the cor­ruption of his nature. When I read and hear their high swelling words of vanity, in commendation of man, and in praise of his free will to good, and his good inclina­tions; and when I hear specious like arguments offered for proof of these notions, I have no reason to be shaken. Will they dispute me out of my senses? May I not be­lieve the word? Or mast I wrest and distort scriptures to make places that appear unfavourable to free will, accord with these notions of it which some advance? Sure I am, if they will not allow scripture to be its own interpreter, it is safer, at least in these things that concern our own natural state, which conscience may know, to admit ex­perience [Page 66]to comment, rather than reason proceeding upon abstract notions: And where scripture and experience join, there we have the fullest confirmation of the truths that are established in the mouth of two such witnesses; the last not only confirming, but illustrating the testimony of the former. If they say that their hearts are not so perverse and ill inclined, and that they find inclinations to good in them, I cannot say so of mine: Yet by the way I must observe, that is their practice they go seldom further, if so far as others, who agree with me in owning their hearts so wicked, their corruptions so strong, their wills so de­praved, and set upon evil, that they can do nothing well pleasing to God: Now surely, if matters are as they re­present them, they are far to blame. As for me, I find more solid truth in that one scripture, that tells us, that that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, Jer. xvii. 9. than in many volumes of idle anti­scriptural notions, reared up on the subtile arguings of men, whose eyes have never yet been opened to see the plagues of their own hearts, and who therefore run out in asserting such an ability and power, and inclination to good in man, as neither scripture, nor the experience of such as have their eyes in the least measure opened, ad­mits of. However, if others will think that there are such good inclinations in them, I must quit my part in them. Wosul experience convinces me, and obliges me to acknowledge, to my own shame, that I never looked towards the Lord's way, save when he drew me, Jer. xxxi. 18. I was as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke; I never went longer in it than the force lasted; I inclined to sit down, and sat indeed down at every step—no great sign I had any heart to the way! I never got up again, but when the Lord's power was anew put forth. I all this while never went one step but with a grudge, Gen. xix. 26. I frequently looked back to Sodom; I have been as a backsliding heifer. I was grieved for what I left behind; my heart clave to what my light had the greatest opposi­tion to: Job xxiv. 13. Thus I was of them that rebel against the light: I oft refused where the command was plainest; when I was brought into a strait, I betook my­self rather to any shift than to Christ; Prov. xxviii. 16. Sin bit me, and yet I loved it; my heart deceived [Page 67]me oft, and yet I trusted in it rather than God: Jer. xvii. 5, 7. God dealt with me in a way of kindness, but when he spoke to me in my prosperity, I would not hear: Isa. lvii. 17. He smote me and I went on frowardly. I never parted with any sin till God beat and drave me from it, and hedged in my way. Surely this looks like the heart deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, Jer. xvii. 9.

2. The foregoing exercise clears what a depth of de­ceitfulness is in the heart of man. How many shifts has my heart used to elude the design of all those strivings of the Lord's spirit with me? What strange shifts has the heart of man, and how many are they! I have told many, but the one half is not told. All these shifts respect but one point in religion. If one would undertake to give an account but of those deceits, which are more noted, with respect to the whole of his walk and way, how ma­ny volumes might be written! There is much true di­vinity couched in that short scripture, Jer. xvii. 9. The heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it? Psal. xix. 12. Who can unaersland his errors? When I upon a review mind so many, how many more might I have no­ticed if I had observed them in the time, or soon after? and if so many may be seen, how many secret, undis­cernible, or at least undiscerned, deceits are there?

3. How far may we go in religion, and yet come short? Many things I seemed to have and do: Mark vi. 20. ‘I did many things, and heard gladly; I was almost persuaded to be a Christian,’ Acts xxvi. 28. ‘I seem­ed to escape the pollutions that are in the world by the knowledge of the truth,’ 2 Pet. ii. 20. ‘I seemed en­lightened, and partaker of the heavenly gift, and got some tastes of the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come,’ Heb. vi. 5. I underwent many changes. and yet all the while was naught, defective as to the main: ‘Many shall seek to enter in, and shall not be able,’ Luke xiii. 24. ‘Not every one that says, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of God,’ Matth. vii. 21.

4. I cannot but look back with wonder, to the asto­nishing patience of God, that suffered my manners (Acts xiii. 18.) so long, and the steadiness he shews in pur­suing [Page 68]his work, notwithstanding many provocations to de­fist, still working for his name's sake, Ezek. xx. 14. All the creation could not have a [...]forded so much patience. The disciples of Christ would have called for fire from heaven, Luke ix. 54. Yea Moses, the meekest man on earth, would have found more to irritate him here, than at Meribah, Num. xx. 13. Glory to God, that we have to do with him, and not with man. His ways are not our ways. Nor his thoughts ours. But as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his ways and thoughts of mercy a­bove ours, Isa. lv. 8.

5. I must bear witness to the rationalness of God's way. For, 1. These things he put me under concern about, deliverance from wrath, eternal salvation, and security about them, were such as my own reason, upon the best attention, could not but own worthy of the ut­most and first concern. He did not call me to vex my­self about-vanity, and the things of no importance. 2. The way he dealt with me in, was not destructive to the na­ture of my faculties, but improved them. He enlight­ened my eyes to see what he would have me to do; and he forced, not my will, but swayed it in a way suitable to its nature, to a compliance, so far as I went. This was not to force, but gently to bend the will, to these things that really were proper for it to incline to. 3. He al­ways observed the true order of the saculties. He sway­ed the will, so far as it went in compliance with his work, by sending forth his light into the mind, that in the true order of things, should guide the understanding. 4. He carried me on to consideration. He did not seek, as it were, to entangle the affections, and by them carry my mind away in a hurry, as sin and Satan are wont to do, who guide sinners, as the Philistines did Sampson, they first put out theireyes, and then make them grind in their mill. 5. The Lord never obliged me to part with any way, any sin, or refuge I betook myself to, till he had let. me see, that it was not only against my duty, but my true interest. 6. So far as I complied with his call, I cannot say that his way was fruitless, or that he was a barren wilderness, or a land of drought, Jer. ii. 31. The mean­est and most feckless piece of comphance wanted not its [Page 69]reward; Mal. i. 10. Who is there among you that would shut the doors for nought: Neither do ye kindle fire on mine altar for nought. Thus the Lord's work was power, not force. He drew, but it was with the cords of love, and bands of a man, Hos. xi. 4. He bid me quit many things, but they were vain things that were no bread, Isa. lv. 2. Remember this and shew yourselves men: Bring it again to mind, O ye transgressors O house of Israel, are not my ways equal? Are not your ways unequal? Yet ye say, the way of the Lord is not equal, Ezek xviii. 25.

6. Though it was congruous to reason, yet it was a work far above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I sought not, I thought not of, I liked not, yea, I hated it, I seared, I avoided, I shifted it; and when all this would not do, I opposed it. For I was of those that rebel against the light, Job xxiv. 13. I cannot ascribe it to any outward means. There are many parts of it which they did not reach. The most feasible failed; the weakest wrought the effect. Neither strong nor weak, had always the like effect. But the work was carried on by a secret in­discernible power of him who is like the wind blowing where it listeth, John iii. 8. The work bears an impress of God in all its steps: the word that awakened me, was the voice of him that makes the dead to hear, John v. 25. that calleth things that are not as if they were, Rom. iv. 17. The light that shone, was the candle of the Lord searching, yea, piercing unto the hidden parts of the belly, Frov. xx. 27. tracing a deceitful and unsearchable heart into all its turnings and windings, Jer. xvii. 10. The work was that of one who is every where, and who knows every thing, and is of one mind, Job xxiii. 13. and so not to be turned; who will not faint, nor be discouraged, till he have brought forth judgment unto victory. The work is uniform, though variously carried on, through many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a long tract of time, by means seemingly weak, improper and contrary, suitable only for him whose ways are in the sea, and whose paths are in the great waters, and whose footsteps are not known. In a word, it was a bush burning and not consumed, only by the presence of God, Exod. iii. 3. It was a spark in [Page 70]the midst of an ocean, maintained, notwithstanding floods continually poured on it to extinguish it. This flame was maintained by oil secredy conveyed into it, Psal. cxviii. 23. This is the doing of the Lord, and it is wondrous it our eyes.

CHAP. I. Giving an account of the progress of my convictions, tempta­tions, and vain reliofs, from the time I went to the Weymss', till I was at the last brought to the utmost extremity.

1. WHEN I had studied philosophy three years, be­ing tickled with it, and somewhat puffed up with what progress I had made, and designed and expect­ed to make—(though I must own that still as knowledge incerased, self-conceit decreased; and I apprehended I knew more the first year than ever I thought I knew af­terwards) —being thus prepared, I designed to go abroad, and improve myself further; to which also was advised. But two things broke this project; my mother would not consent, and the former exercise having brought me into bondage through fear of death, I was afraid to run the hazards I must run of my life, so long as I was in so un­settled [Page 71]a case as to my soul's state. Wherefore, upon the motion of some friends, I consented rather to engage chaplain to a family for some time.

2. Accordingly, August 1696, I went to the Weymss'. When I came here, a stranger amongst strangers, and per­sons of considerable quality, by my natural bashfuln ss, the consoriousoefs of my auditors, the publieness of the appearances I was obliged to make, to which former­ly I had not been accustomed, my want of breeding, and the like. I was, for a time, in a very great strait, forced to retiredness, and to petition for help how to car­ry it: And though it was my own, not the Lord's ho­nour I designed, and was concerned for, yet he that hears the cry of the ravens, Job xxxviii. 4 [...]. Psal. cxlvii. 9. and would not overlook Ahab's h [...]riliation, I Kings xxi. 29. and the Ninevites' repentance, Jonah iii. 10. did not fail me in my straits; but helped, so far as was necessary, to maintain the respect due to the station I was in, and to obtain kindness.

3. During the first half year or so that I was here, I was somewhat diverted from my main work, being obli­ged to study what was necessary for my accomplishment for converse in the world. But still I held on, and the more difficulty I met with, I kept the closser to the form of religion I had taken up. Besides, now my sta­tion called and obliged me to somewhat more. But leav­ing this, which is only introductory, I proceed to that which is mainly and only designed in this narrative.

4. I had not long been here, when I was often neces­sarily, and frequently without sufficient necessity, engaged in debates about the truth of religion, the divinity of the scriptures, and the most important doctrines delivered in them, whereby I was drawn to read the writings of de­ists, and other enemies to religion, that I might be ac­quaint with the arguments, whereby those I sometimes had occasion to dispute with, opposed the truth. As to the issue of those arguings, with respect to others, I shall here wave it, because others are concerned in it; only I may say, I found it true, (Tit. iii. 9.) that fool [...]sh ques­tions, and genealogies, and content on [...], and strivings about the law, are unpres [...]able and vain, 2 Tim. iii. 13. For [Page 72] evil men and seducers was worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. 2 Tim. ii. 16. And profane and vain bab­blings do increase unto more ungodliness. And to my sad experience I found, 2 Tim. ii. 17. that their words doth eat as doth a canker, or gangrene. It is of an infec­tious and contagious nature; and therefore it is safest to shun, avoid them, and follow the wise man's advice, Prov. ix. 6. to forsake the foolish and live; Prov. xiv. 6. and depart from a foolish man when we perceive not in him the lips of knowledge; Prov. xix. 27. and cease from the in­struction that causes to err from the words of knowledge.

5. This was of very dangerous consequence to me, and could not prove otherwise to one in my case. For, I. I was not rooted and grounded in the truth, Eph. iii. 17. Col. ii. 7. being neither notionally instructed in the grounds whereon the scripture is received, nor acquaint­ed practically with its power, and so was naked of that armour of light, Rom. xiii. 11. that is necessary toward a conflict with such enemies. 2. The power of that enmi­ty and darkness, Col. i. 13. which incline the vain mind of man to reject and carp at the truths of God as foolishness, I Cor. ii. 14. still remained unsubdued; and so I was, Eph. iv. 14. as the children, who are tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine. 3. The objections I found started were many, struck at the foundations, I John ii. 9. were new and surprising to one who was so unsettled, and were dressed up by the slight and cunning craftiness of them who lie in wait to deceive, Eph. iv. 14. 4. I was not ac­quaint with that watchful [...]ess, vigilance, and humble sobriety, that was necessary to prevent Satan's gaining any advantage. 5. Hereon Satan finding so fair an occasion, slipt it not; [...]or he goes about, I Pet. v. 8. seeking such seasons; and finding things thus, he improved it to my great disquietment.

6. The adversary finding all things thus prepared, set on me furiously, and employed many against me—1. He wrought up the natural atheism, darkness, and enmity of my heart, to vent itsel [...] against the truths of religion, in foolish enquiries, Is it so? Psal. lxxiii. 11. How can these things be? John iii. 9. And what authority hast thou, since thou requirest su [...]h things? 2. He employed some [Page 73]who had all advantages, Matth. xi. 28. and were the m [...]st likely to prevail; persons smooth, sober, and who oppo­sed the truth with rational argun [...]ts: such sometimes the devil makes use of, who seem themselves not far from the kingdom of God, Mark xii. 34. like the scribe who answered and questioned our Lord civilly; whose words are s [...]ther than butter, while war is in their b [...]art, Psal. lv. 21. And these are usually more prevalent: for with their fair speeches they deceine the bearts of the simple, Rom. xvi. 18.3. He himself acted sometimes the subtile ser­pent, putting and suggesting sub [...]ile queries, Gen. iii. 1. Hath God said so? And sometimes he threw in [...]ry darts to inflame and disorder me, Eph. vi. 11, 12, 16. Thus I found, when I was alo [...]e, when I was in prayer, and most serious, hellish oaths, and grievous blasphemous sug­gestions cas [...] forcibly into my mind, which made me tremble. No wonder he should deal so with me, when he impudently sugg [...]ed to him in whem be bad nothing, John xiv. 30. such blasphemons proposals, as that of sal­ling down to warship him, Matth. iv. 9.

7. By all these ways he assaulted me, and I was griev­ously tossed about all the truths of religion—1. The be­ing of God was again brought in question: The enemy said daily, Where is thy God? Psal. xlii. 3, 10. And the atheism of my heart said also, There is no God; and w [...] is the Lord? Psal. xiv. 1. Exod. v. 2. I was assulted about his providence, and all the disorders of the world were urged, to my great disturbance. Psal. lxxiii. 2, 13. As for me, my feet were almust gone: My steps had well nigh slipt. The ungodly prosper in the world, they in [...]rease in riches, and therefore his people return hither. Waters of a full cup are wrung out to them: And they say, How doth God know? And is there knowledge in the Most High? 3. I was assaulted as to the truth of the word, and many ways troubled about it: when I read, when I thought a­bout it, I was plied hard with grievous suggestions. Some­times the want of sufficient evidence was complained of; John vi. 30. What sign [...]west thou then, that we may see and believs [...]hoe? What lost thou work? At other times it was blamed, one while of obseurity, John x. 24. How l [...]ng dost thou make us doubt? If thou be the Christ, tell [Page 74] [...] plainly; and anon another suggestion was clapt in a [...] gai [...] some passages as hard—This is an hard saying, w [...] can hear it? John vi. 60. When this ro [...] not, it wa [...] accused in some places of plain blasphemy— He ha [...] spoken blasphemy—Ye have heard his blasphemy, Matth. xx [...]i. 65. It was blamed as contradictory to i [...]sell, John. xii. 34. We [...]ve heard [...] of the l [...]w, that Christ abi [...]th for ever; and ho [...] j [...]yest thou, The So [...] of man m [...]st be l [...]st up? In pro [...]ises we [...] called in question, 2 Pet. iii. 4. Where is the promise of his coming? As were also i [...] threats, Faek. xii. 22. Every vision faileth. Jer. xvii. 1 [...]. Behold they say unto me, Where is the word of the Lord? Let it c [...]me [...]. Thus was I daily perplexed, in so much that it was a terror sometimes, for fear of these sugges­tions, to look into the Bible. 4. Tho mystery of the po [...] ­pel was partioularly set upon, and represented as soolish­ness, I Co [...]. i. 22. as setting up new gods, Acts xvii. 18; and of; was I put to answer, John iii. 9. H [...]w can these things be?

8. The subtile enemy who had often solicited me to high thoughts of myself, now when he found it for his purpose, [...]sged upon me me [...]n thoughts of myself, and pressed to 2 bastard sort of humility: He often whis­pered me in the ear, 'Tis vain for you to expect to rid yourself of these difficulties, when so many learned men, who have studied the point with so much ca [...]e, and who were far more capable to discern the truth, can­not reach satisfaction, but have rejected them, John vii. 48, 49. Have any of the rulers or the Pharisees believed on him? But this people who k [...]weth not the law, are cursed.

9. By this I was brought into grievous perplexity, and many sad toffings, Psal. xlii. 3. My tears have been my neat day and night, while they continually say unto m [...] Where is thy God? But still I tried wrong courses—1. [...] attempted by own reasoning [...]relieve myself, Psal. lxxiii. 6. I thought to know this. 2. When this failed, I bought, I read books wri [...]ten about the truth of religion, Job viii. 8, 9, &c. This indeed, had it been [...]ept in its own pla [...], was allowable and uselu [...], [...]ccl. xii. 12. But I expede [...]h more than I had reason to look for, and as I used it, this was only the s [...]it of unbelief, and a vain [Page 75]coerse running to As [...]r, sending to Egypt. [...]. I wished for vision, voices, or some extraordinary course, L [...]ke xvi. 30. Nay, b [...]t if one rise from the dead they will believe. 4. When these sailed, with the sluggard I sat down dis­couraged, Eccl. iv. 5. The fool foldeth his hands together, and [...]ateth his [...]wn f [...]esh. 5. I sometimes betook myself to prayer; but herein I desiderated success, not seeking in the right way, nor to right ends, James iv. 3.

10. But all these ways failed me, Eccl. vii. 23, 24. I [...] co [...]sel in my sc [...]l, having sorrew in my heart daily. I said I will be wise, but it was far from [...]. That which is far off and exceeding deep, who can find it [...] 1. As to my own reasonings, they avail not against him who esteems iron as straw, and brass as r [...]ten wood. Psal. lxxiii. 16. When I thought to know is, it was too pain­ful: It was labour in mine eyes. 2. As for books, be­side they satisfied not as to these things they mentioned, many of my scruples were overlooked by them, so they proved physicians of no value, Job vi. 25. How profita­ble are right words? But what doth your arguings reprove? 3. As to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, Luke xvi. 31. They have Mos [...] and the prophets, and if they will not believe them, neither would they believe though one should rise from the dead. 4. My sloth still in­creased my trouble; that foolish poring fretted my spirit, slew me; Prov. xxi. 25. The desire of the stuggard hilleth him, because his bauds refuse to work.

11. I had quite sunk [...]nder the weight of this trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow, and [...]nded in despair, if its force had not been somewhat ab [...]d by occasional considerations, that were by the good hand of God, sometimes one way, sometimes another, brought to my mind: I. When the hellish conclusions at which all these temptations aimed, the renouncing of religion, rejecting the scriptures, &c. were urged, it was oft seasonably sug­gested, John vi. 68. To whom shall we go? Then has? the words of eternal life. The Lord powerfully convinced, and kept the conviction strong on my mind, that at what time I parted with revelation, I behoved to give up with all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. What deists told me, of the demonstrations of a future [Page 76]happiness built only upon nature's light, had no weight with me; because I had tried those long ago, and found them to my apprehention inconcludent: and had they been concludent, I was never a whit the nearer satisfaction. To tell me of such a state, without any account of its nature, or the terms whereon it is attainable, was all on [...] as if nothing had been said about it: This created still a dread of the conclusion in my mind; and still when I was solicited to quit the scriptures, I returned, To whom shall I go to find the words of eternal life? 2. Upon a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but look on them (though their real worth I did not yet discern) as the better part of mankind; and the Lord created a dread in my soul of conclusions, that imported the charge of a lie in a matter of the greatest importance against the better part of mankind, Psal. lxxiii. 15. If I should speak thus, I would offend against the generation of thy children. 3. The Lord opened mine eyes to see the remarkable folly of those who abandoned rovealed reli­gion: Not to mention the impious lives of the generality, I saw the soberer sort guilty of unaccountable folly. The scripture tells them plainly, that if they have a mind to be satisfied as to the truth of these pretensions, they must walk in the way of its procepts to find it, John vii. 17. If any man will do his will, he shall know this doctrine if it is of God, or if I speak of myself. But they walk in a direct contradiction to its precepts, and yet complain of the want of evidence, while they refuse to try that way wherein only it is to be found. Again, some sober and learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons own, that if we are either cut off from hopen, or left to uncertain­ty about a future state of happiness, we are miserable: —and that they themselves are yet uncertain. While af­ter all this has been by them confessed, and by some to myself, I saw them either at little or no pains to be sa­tisfied, Prov. xiv. 6. The scorn [...]r seeketh wisdom and find­eth it not; yea, I found this sort of persons much more eager in searching after what might strengthen their doubts, than what might satisfy them: This smelled rank of a hatred of light. Now I thought it was not safe to sollow those whom I faw so evidently foolish, and who [Page 77]did so plainly proclaim their folly, Prov. xxviii. 5. Evil [...]n understand not judgment: But they that seek the Lord understand all things. This had that weight with me, that I now ceased to wonder that such were unsatisfied about the truth of religion, and that there was no ground of doubting its truth because they are unatisfied. 4. The shining evidence of the power of religion, in the lives, but more especially in the deaths of the martyrs, of whom I had formerly read of, stayed me as to this, that there in a reality in religion, when I was beat from all other holds: Heb. xi. 33. They were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. Here I beho­ved to own the finger of God, especially when I consider­ed their numbers, their quality, and all circumstances. 5. The known instances of the power of religion in chil­dren in their tender years, was of great use sometimes, and appeared of great weight: it checked the force of temptations that drove me to doubt of the reality of reli­gion, Psal. viii. 2. Thus out of the mouth of babes and sucklings the Lord ordained strength, and in sone measure stilled th [...] enemy and the avenger. 6. The sensible and violent op­position I found Satan making to the scriptures in all the fore-mentioned ways, was oft staying, and persuaded me in some measure, that there behoved to be a reality in religion; und I could not see what could induce him thus to oppose it, if it were a cheat, Matth. xii. 26. Is Satan divided? 7. I got frequent touches in a way of convic­tion, Heb. iv. 12. and thus sinding the power and piercing virtue of the word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to fall down and own God to be in it of a truth, 1 Cor. xiv. 25.8. Satan sometimes departed and left me for a season, Luke iv. 13 and then I had some intermission of my sore trouble. 9. I found a secret hope begot and cherished, I could not tell how, at some seasons, even amidst the violence of temptations, that I should be satis­fied, and that I should yet have good [...]se to praist God, Psal. xlii. 5.8, 11, and that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter, John xiii. 7. which was strength­ened by the consideration of what others had met with, who had been trysted with temptations that were some way like mine: Albeit, I doubted, if ever, in all re­spects, [Page 78]any had been so molested as I, and if there was any sorrow like unto mine, Lam. i. 12. Yea, sometimes I was made to hope that Satan's raging foreboded that his time was but short, Rev. xii. 12.

12. As by these and the like means, the force of the temptation was somewhat broken, so I was encouraged to several things, which I have reason to own God was kind to me in holding me to them—1. Hereby I was engaged to hold on, in an attendance with more concern in duties of religion, public, private, and secret; and so to wait at wisdom's door post, Prov. viii. 34. which af­terwards I found the advantage of. 2. Hereby I was e­nabled to conceal all my own straits from others, who thereby might either have been stumbled or hardened in their evil way: I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion, 2 Sam. i. 22. Tell it not in Gath, —lest the daughters of the uncircum­cised triumph. In converse with such as were shaken, I still endeavoured to stand for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it; and I must own, that while I did so, the Lord often countenanced me, and satissied me as to what I had formerly been disquieted about: How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost; not will he suffer the least service to pass unreward­ed: A heathen Cyrus must have his hire; and so must Nebuchadnezzar, Ezek. xxix. 19.

13. Before I leave this, I must observe some things which the Lord taught me by this exercise. 1. I here­by learned the danger and vanity of reasoning with Satan: When I began to answer him with my own reasonings, he had still great advantage, 1 Pet. v. 9.; he easily evad­ed all my arguments, and easily repelled my answers, and enforced his suggestions, James iv. 7.3. and when his sug­gestions were to be maintained in point of arguments, he injected them with that impudent violence that I was not able to stand against, Matth. iv. 10, 11. Our safest course is to resist, and to hold at a distance, to avoid communing with him, Jude 9. 2. I must observe like­wise the wise providence of God: that the greatest dif­ficulties that lie against religion are hid from atheists. All the objections I met with in their writings, were not near [Page 79]so subtile, as those which were often suggested to me: The reason of it, from the nature of the thing, is obvi­ous; such persons take not a near-hand view of religion; and while persons stand at a distance, neither are the dif­ficulties that attend it, nor the advantages of it, discerned. Again, Satan finding all things quiet with them, keeps all so; and finding that they are ensnared, he uses not force, Lake xi. 21. It is where he is in danger of losing a person, that he uses his utmost efforts: when Christ is ready to cast him out, then he rages and tears poor souls, Matth. ix. 29. Besides, the Lord in his infinite wisdom permits not all these hellish subtilities to be published, in tenderness to the saith of the weak. He that sets bounds to the raging of the sea, and says, Hitherto shalt thou come, and hore shall thy proud waves be stayed. Job xxxviii. 11. keeps Satan under chains, and he cannot step beyond his permission, Rev. xx. 1.

14. This exercise had sundry effects upon me—1. The fears I was brought under fixed a deeper sense of my frailty in general on me, and that I was but a man, Psal. ix. 20. Put them in fear, that the nations may know them­selves to be but men. Selab. 2. Hereby the Lord with­held me from my vain projects about learning. Now I was so far from expecting, as some time I had done, that I feared I should fall short of what was absolutely needful to my own well being, Eccl. vii. 23. I said I will be wise, but it was far from me. 3. Whereas I was educate with an eye to the ministry, and aimed that way; now I came to see the difficulty, and repent my rash in­tentions; and laid down a resolution to look no more that way, unless the Lord satisfied me fully about those truths whereof I now doubted. I could not without hor­ror think of speaking to others what I believed not my­self, 2 Cor. iv. 13. 4. My bondage through fear of death was increased, and grew stronger, Heb. ii. 15.5. I was urged to somewhat of more closeness in the performance of duty; though often I was urged to give it over as vain, yet I still resolved to hold on there. 6. I was still more and more confirmed in the necessity of further evi­dence for the truth of religion, than I either had attained or knew how to attain.

[Page 80] 15. All this while I was under sundry inconveniences that increased my trouble, and gave advantage to my corruptions. 1. Most of the converse I had, was with such as helped forward my trouble. I was a companion of fools, and so [...]igh to destrustion. For he that well w [...] the wise shell be wise, but a companion of souls shall be de­stroyed, Prov. xiii. 10. Again, 2. I had no friend to whom I could with freedom, and any prospect of satisfac­tion, impart my mind: Eccl. iv. 10. We to him that is alone when he falleth; for be bath not another to help him up. 3. Endeavours to conceal entirely my concern and trouble, broke me. When I hept silence, my hones, waxed old. Psal. xxxii. 3.4. I was laid aside from my studies, and had no dirersion, nor could follow any. I had heart to nothing, could not read, unless that sometimes I read the scriptures, or some other practical book. Unless when there was an intermission of my trouble, for near a year and a half I read very little; and this slothful pos tare laid me open to temptation, and made corruptions grow stronger, Prov. xxiv. 30, 31. I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the [...]an void of under­standing, and [...]o, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had cov [...]red the face thereof. And the slo [...]e wall thereof was broken down.

16. Hereupon my corruption took vent several ways— 1. In vain and slothful desires, Prov. xiii. 4. I desired and had not 2. In foolish contrivances and searches, how to ease my smart, Psal. lxxvii. 6. I commened w [...]h mine own heart upon my bed, and my spirit made diligent search, but without a due eye to the Lord. 3. I spent my time in foolish complaints that dispirited mo; I com­plained and my spitit was overwhelmed, Psal. lxxvii. 3.4. I was sometimes at cursing the day of my birth, wish­ing that I had never been born, or that I had died assoon as born: Job iii. 11. Why died I not from the womb? Why died I not when I came out of the belly? 5. I wished often that I had been in other circumstances, and that I had been bred to the plough, or some such employment, and that I might have in the desert a cottage, Jor. iii. 11. a place of way faring men, where I might give myself to continual grief. 6. My spirit sometimes rose in quarrel­lings [Page 81]against God, Psal. lxxvii. 3. I thought on God and was troubled. I said, wherefore do I cry, and thou [...]st not hear me? Job xxx. 20. And frequently I was not far from that, Wil [...] thou always be to me as a liar, and waters that fail? Jer. xv. 18.

17. After I had thus-wearied myself, after the edge and violence of the temptations above mentioned was, by the formerly narrated considerations, blunted and some­what broke rather than removed, and I eased by Satan's departure for a season, I inclined to rest; and Satan hereon finding matters prepared for an assanlt, made fresh attempts in another, and no less disquieting manner: Matth. vii. 12, 43, 44. ‘When the unclean spirit is gone our of a he walketh through dry places seeking rest and finding none. Then he saith, I will return to my house from whence I came out; and when he cometh, he findeth it empty, swept and garnished. Then goeth he and taketh with him seven other spirits, more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: And the last state of that man is worse than the first.’

The devil cannot be at rest, where he hath no mischief to do to men. The devil so leaveth none but he will be attempting to come unto them again; and he ordinarily succeedeth, where Christ hath not prepossessed the soul: All other reformation proves bot a sweeping and a gar­nishing, while the soul is empty of Christ. It may be swept from the filth of flagitious sins, and garnished with the paint of religion, or some habits of moral virtue: But none of these will keep out the devil. Thus I found it to my cost: For, 1. Satan finding my soul, after all my sad tossings, empty of Christ, returned. 2. And my soul being like the vineyard of the sluggard, Prov. xxiv. 31. by sloth, detence­less, without its stone wall, he easily found opportunity to sow tares, and while I slept, to cultivate the thorns and net­ties, which naturally grow there. 3. It was no hard mat­ter to persuade one so wearied, Gen. xlix. 15. that rest was good; and that there was a lion in the way, Prov. xxii. 13. And, 4. Having thus possession and quiet a­bode, with his seven other spirits, my own corruptions, he quickly made my last state worse than my first. My [Page 82] enemies grow strong and lively, Psal. xxxviii. 19.; my corruptions began vigorously to exert themselves.

18. Hereon the Lord minding his own work, brought, by the ministry of the word, the law in it s spiritual mean­ing hearer. And then, I. Sin revived and I died, Rom. vii. 9. I found more discernibly the stirrings of corrup­tions, ibid 8. Yea, 2. Sin taking occasion from the com­mandment, and being fretted by the light let into my soul from the word, it wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Lusts of all sort, self, sloth, formality, &c. strove to maintain their own place. 3. Hereby I was plunged in. to deeper guilt, Psal. xxxviii. 4. mine iniquities went over my head. And, 4. Hereby my challenges were sharpened, and I found no rest in my bones, ver. 3. for sins that I had done.

19. Under this distress, I still, as formerly, sought to other physicians, rather than to the Lord. For, 1. Ha­ving now, by the knowledge of the truth, escaped the pol­lutions of the world, 2 Pet, ii. 20. my exercise was much about the more secret actings of sin, and its working in the heart; and as to these, I sometimes used extenuations and excuses, taken from the strength of the temptations I lay under, and other considerations of that sort; and sometimes this was done not without secret reflections on God. This was Adam's way— The woman thou gavest me to be with me, she gave me and I did eat, Gen. iii. 12.2. Sometimes after my engagements and vows, and breaches of them, when I found conscience disturb me, I begun to enquire whether the things were sin, and endea­voured to persuade myself, that some which were most disturbing were not, Prov. xx. 25. Thus, after vows I made enquiry. 3. I, at last, when all these cour­ses failed, again said, I will not transgress; and I made new vows and rosolutions, accompanied with sor­row for my former breaches, and solemnly bound my­self against my sins, those that predomined; Exod. x. 16.17. Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste, and said, I have sinned against the Lord your God, and a­gainst you. Now therefore forgive I pray thee my sin only this once, &c. 4. I set apart time for fasting and prayer in secret; and November 23, 1697, on a time set apart [Page 83]for prayer, I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to God to walk in his ways; and when my own heart told me, that I could not serve the Lord, I said, Nay, but I will serve the Lord, Josh. xxiv. 21.

20. But all these proved physicians of no value. For I sound, 1. That they were not able to keep me longer, than till a temptation came in my way from fin. When­ever this appeared, corruption, that had been so far from being really weakened by all those inventions, that it real­ly grew in strength, broke down all that I had set in its way, Jer. ii. 20. Of old time I have broken my yoke, and burst my bands; and thou saidst, I will not transgress: When upon every green tree thou wanderest playing the har [...]ot. 2. I found these vain ways. I took to smother convictions, were not able to procure me peace, but really increased my inward disquietment, and wasted my spirit, Psal. xxxiii. 3. When I kept silence (that is, when I sinfully endeavoured to suppress my guilt and trouble) my bones waxed old, through my roaring all day long. 3. The Lord in mercy gave me no rest in any of these inventions, but suffered me to weary myself in seeking my lovers, that I might at length betake myself to him. For so long as I followed these ways. Day and night his hand lay heavy upon me: My moisture was turned into the drought of sum­mer, Psal. xxxii. 4.

21. Though hitherto I failed of a right issue, yet I was carried a great length in compliance with convic­tions. I kept myself from open pollutions, I was careful in duties of worship, yea further, I was much in secret, I received the word with joy. I was oft challenged for secret pride, unbelief, and other heart spiritual evils, and as to the knowledge of them was considerably enlightend. I fasted, prayed, mourned in secret. I resolved and strove against sin, even my peculiar sins that I loved best. Thus I had with others a name to live, Rev. iii. I. and tock up a form of religion, 2 Tim. iii. 5.

22. Yet for all this, I was a stranger to its power; which the following evidences sufficiently manifest: for whatever lengths I went, yet, ist, I was a stranger to the glorious and blessed relict, through the imputation of [Page 84]the righteousness of Christ: Not that I had not some notions of this; for I prosessed to embrace it: But really. I was in the dark, as to its glotious efficacy, tendency, and design. I was ignorant of the righteousness of God all the while, Rom. x. 3. 2dly, Still in all this the eye was not single, Marth. vi. 22. It was only the saving of myself, without any eye to the Lord's glory, I designed. Rom. i [...]. 31. 3dly, It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or part, that I sought relief. No won­der peace was unstable, that stood on so weak a founda­tion. 4thly, Though I was, by the force of convictions, brought to part with my beloved sins, or consent to their destruction; yet it was neither without reluctancy, or without some secret res [...]ve. It was like Pharaoh's con­sent in the like case, when his servants persuaded him of the danger of his persisting in his sin, Exod. x. 3. Moses and Aaron were brought back again to Pharaoh: And he said unto them, Go serve the Lord your God. But who are they that shall go? 5thly, My heart was utterly averse from spirituality. Sometimes, through the force of con­victions, I was indeed brought for some time to aim at getting my mind fixed upon heavenly things, and kept on the thoughts of them: But my heart being yet carnal, I wearied of this hent, and of this forcible religion. And it was intolerable to think of being always spiritual, Rom. xiii. 7. The carnal mind is enmity against God, is not subject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be.

23. By these means I was at last brought to an extremi­ty: For, is, My 'sins were set in order before me,' Psal. l. 21. ‘Innumerable evils compassed me about, mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs upon my head, therefore my heart faileth me,’ Psal, xl. 12. 2dly, They were set in order in the dreadful­ness of their nature and aggravations, and all shists, ex­tenuations, pleas and defences, were rejected, and ‘my mouth stopped before God,’ Rom. iii. 19. 3dly, All the vain ways I had taken for my relief; baffled my ex­pectation, and increased my pain; they were ‘the staff of a broken reed,’ Isa. xxxvi. 6. they pierced my arm, when I essayed to lean on them, and I was ashamed, and [Page 85]even c [...]sea [...]ded, that I had hoped, Job vi. 20. 4thly, The wrath of God was dropped into my soul, and ‘the poi­son of his arrows drunk up my spirits,’ Job vi. 4. 5thly, I was as yet unsanctified, as to the truths of reli­gion, and mine enemies oft told me, that even ‘in God there was no succour for me,’ Psal. iii. 2. Yea, 6thly, At sometimes Satan, to intangle me more, assaulted all the traths of religon at once, and then I was dreadfully con­founded, when the Lord commanded that mine enemies should be round about me. And ‘they compassed me about like bees,’ Psal. cxviii 11.12. 7thly, All ways I took to bear down my corruptions, proved of no avail: For' fin revived and I died,' yea, ‘taking occasion by the commandment, it slew me,’ Rom. vii. 9, 11.

24. By the extre nity of this anguish I was, for some time, about the close of 1697, and beginning of 1698, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I use Job's words, ‘I loath it, I would not live al­way,’ Job vi. 16. And yet I was afraid to die: I had no rest, my sore run in the night, and and ceased not in the day, Psal. lxxvii 2. At night I wished for day; and in the day. I wished for night, Deut. xxviii. 66 67. I said, My couch shall confort me, Job vi. 13. But then dark­ness was as the shadow of death, Job. x. 21. When I was in this case, I was [...]ft brought [...] the brink of des­pair. He sn [...]ed me with bisterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. Lam. iii. 10, 16, 17, 18, 1 [...], 20. ‘He broke all my teeth with gravel stones; he covered me with athes. He removed my soul far from peace: I forg [...]t prosperity. And I said, My strength and my hone is perithed from the Lord; remembering mine as [...]licton and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul and them still in remembrance, and was bow­ed in [...].’ N [...]w I was made to think it a wonder, that I was not consemed; and though i dreaded destruc­tion from the A [...]mi [...]ety, yet I could not hat justi [...]y him, if he had destroyed me!— Righteous is the Lord, for I have rebelled, [...]n. i. 18. I was made to fear that the Lord would make me a Magor- [...]ss [...]bib, a terior to myself, and all round about, Jer. xx. 41; [...] that he would make some dreadful discovery of my wickedness, that would [Page 86]make me a reproach to religion, and give the enemies advantage, which put me upon the Psalmist's prayer, Psal. xxxix. 8 ‘Deliver me from all my transgressions, make me not the reproach of the foolish.’ I was made to wonder, that I was not already cut off. And indeed this was sometimes reviving, Lam. iii. 20, 21. ‘It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. This I recal to my mind, therefore have I hope.’ But this hope was easily cloud­ed. It amounted to no more than this, ‘Who can tell but he may be gracious?’ 2 Sam. xii. 22. And to this my fearsul heart suggested the greatness of my sins, as what were above the reach of pardoning mercy. And Satan daily urged me to give over, and take some des­perate course, to say, 'There is no hope,' Isa. lvii. 10. Thus I walked about, dejected, weary, and heavy laden; weary of my disease, and weary of the vain courses I had taken for relief, and uncertain what to do, what course to take, Psal. xiii. 2. ‘I took counsel in my soul, ha­ving sorrow in my heart daily.’

CHAP. II. Containing an account of the outgate I got about the close of January 16, 8, and the state of matters thereon.

1. IF this extremity had lasted much longer, my soul had sunk under the weight of it, and even, that while I was in this case, had ruined me, if the Lord had not timely supported in the time of the greatest extremity, and as it were held me by the hand, even while I car­ried most wickedly, Psal. lxxiii. 22, 23. ‘So foolish was I and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee. Ne­vertheless, —thou hast holden me by my right hand.’ And at this extremity, the Lord stepped in, when I had destroyed myself, he let me see help in him, Hos. xiii. 9. He found me lying wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I had none that would, or could save me. I was forsaken of all my lovers. I was caught in the thicket. I was quite overcome; neither was I in case to fight, or flee. And then the Lord passed by me, [Page 87]cast his skirt over me, and made this time [...] time of love, Ezek. xvi. 8. ‘And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: As it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen,’ Gen. xxii. 14.

2. I cannot be very positive about the day, or hour, of this deliverance, nor can I satisfy many other questions about the way and manner of it. But this is of no consequence, if the work is in substance sound, John iii. 8. ‘For the wind bloweth were in listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: So is every one that is born of the spirit.’ Many things about the way and manner we may be ignorant of, while we are su [...]ficiently sure of the effects. As to these things, I must say with the blind man, ‘I know not: One thing I know, that whereas I was blind, now I see,’ John ix. 25.

3. However, it was toward the close of January, or the beginning of February, 1698, that this seasonable re­lief came; and so far as I can remember, I was at secret prayer, in very great extremity, not for from despair, when the Lord seasonably stepped in, and gave this merciful turn to affairs: When I said, My foot slippeth, thy mercy held me up, Psal. xciv. 18. And when there was none to save, then his own arm brought salvation. 2 Cor. iv. 6. ‘God, who commanded the light to shine out of dark­ness, shined into my mind, to give the light of the knowledge of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ.’

4. That which yielded me this relief, was a discovery of the Lord, as manifested in the word. He said to me, Thou haft destroyed thyself, but in me is thy help. Now the Lord discovered, in the manner afterwards to be men­tioned, several things, which I shall here take notice of. 1. He let me see, that there are forgivenesses with him, that with him there is mercy, and plenicous redemption, Psal. cxxx. 4, 7. ‘He made all his goodness pass be­fore me, and he proclaimed his name, The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth; keeping mercy for thousands. forgiving iniquity, transgr [...]stion and sin, who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy,’ Exod. [Page 88]xxxiii. 19. xxxiv. 5. This was a strange sight to one, who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, Heb. xii. 29. which I could not see and live, Exed. xxiii. 28. 2dly, He brought me from Sinai and its thunderings, ‘to mount Zion, —and to the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that cleans­ [...]th from all sin, and speaks better things than the blood of Abel,’ Heb. xi. 22, 24. He revealed Christ in his glory. I now with wonder ‘beheld his glory, as the glory of the only begotten of the Fas [...] er, full of grace and truth,’ John i. 14. And I was hereon made to say, 'Thou art sai [...]er than the sons of men,' Psal. xlx. 2. 3dly, Herc [...]n he let me see, that he who had before rejecied all that I could offer, was ‘well pleased in the beloved.’ Psal. xl. 6, 7. ‘Sacrifice and offering then didst nor desire, mine cars hast thou opered. Burnt offerings and fin offerings hast thou not required. Then sald I, Lo, I come: in the volume of the bock, it is written of me: I delight to do thy will, O my God,’ And [...]thly, Hereby I was further fully satisfied, that not only there was forgiveness of sins, and justifica­tion by free grace, ‘through the redemption that is in Jesus: Whom God half see forth to be a propitiation, through suith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the renission of sins that are past, through the sor-bearance of God,’ Rom. iii. 24, &c. But moreover, I saw with wonder and delight, in some measure, how God by this means might he just, in justifying even the ungodly, who believe in Jesus, Rom. iv. 5. How was I ravisned with delight, when made to see, that the God in whom a little before I throught there was no help for me, or any sinner in may case, if there was any such, notwithstanding his spotless purity, his deep hatted of sin, his inflexible justice and righteousness, and his un­tained faithfulness, pledged in the threatenings of the how, might not only pardon, but without prejudice to his justice, or other attributes, he just in justifying even the ungolly! The reconciliation of those seemingly inconsist­ance attributes with one another, and sinners salvation, quite surprized and astonished me. And, 5thly, The Lord further opened the gospel call to me, and let me see, [Page 89]that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation seat, Acts xiii. 26. All this was offered to me, and I was invited secretly to come, and take of the water of life freely, Rev. xxii. 17. and to come in my distress unto this blessed rest, Matth. xi. 28. Come to me all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and ye shall find rest for your souls. 6thly, He, to my great satisfaction, gave me a pleasant discovery of his design in the whole, that it was that no flesh might glory in his fight, I Cor. i. 29, 31. but that he who glories, should have occasion only to glory in the Lord, that he might manifest the riches of his grace, and be exalted in shewing mercy; and that we in the end might be saved, to the praise of the glory of his grace, who made u [...] accepted in the beloved, Eph. i. 6, 7. Isa. xxx. 18. 7thly, The Lord revealed to my soul, that full and suit­able provision made in this way against the power of sin, that as there is righteousness in him, so there is strength, even everlasting strength in the Lord Jehovah, Isa. xlv. 22. to secure against all enemies; and that in him there is sweet provision made against the guilt of sin, that through the power of temptation his people may be inveigled in; 1 John ii. 1, 2. ‘These things write I to you, that ye sin not: But it any man fin, we have an advocat [...] with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous; and he is the propitiation for our sins: And not for ours only, but also, for the sins of the whole world.’ 8thly, When this strange discovery was made of a relief, wherein full pro­visions were made for all the concerns of God's glory, and uny salvation in subordination thereto, my soul was, by a glorious and sweet power, carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every way suitable and satisfying in my case. They that know his name will put their trust in him, Psal. ix. 10.

5. All these discoveries were conveyed to me only by the word. It was not indeed by one particular testimo­ny, or promise of the word, but by the concurring light of a great many of the promises and testimonies of the word seasonably set home, and most plainly expressing the truths above mentioned. The promises and truths of the word, in great abundance and variety, were brought to remembrance, John xiv. 26. and the wonders contained [Page 90] in thems, Psal. cxix. 18. were set before mine eyes in the light of the word. He sent his word and healed me, Psal. cvii. 20. This was the r [...]d of his strength, that made me willing, Psal. cx. 2, 3. And it was the plain word of salvation, that I sound to be the power of God, Rom. i. 16. I cannot positively say, that the panicular places a­bove mentioned, were the words whereby these discove­ries were conveyed to my soul: But by these or such like passages; and I believe, by mary, even of those men­tioned promises and truths were the discoveries above named made to me.

6. But it was not the word alone that corveyed the discovery: for most of these passages where by I was re­lieved, I had formerly in my distress read, and thought [...] ­on, without finding any relief in them. But [...] Lord shined into my mind by them, 2 Cor. iv. 6. Formerly I was only acquaint with the letter, which p ofits not. But now the Lord's words were spirit and life, John vi. 69. and in bis light I sow light, Psal. xxxvi. 9. God opening mine eyes to see wonders out of his law, Psal. cxix. 18. There was light in them; a burning light by them shone into my mind, to give me not merely some notional knowledge, but ‘the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ,’ 2 Cor. iv. 6. And many differences I found betwixt the discoveries now made, and the notions I formerly entertained of the same truths. i. It shone from heaven, Acts ix. 3. It was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone sudden­ly about me; it came by the word of God, a heavenly mean; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things, the glory of God, and it led me up as it were to heaven. Its whole tendency was heaven-ward. 2. It was a true light, John i. 9. giving true manifestations of God, even the one true God, and the one Mediator between God and man; and giving a time view of my state with re­spect to God, not according to the foolish conceits I had formetly entertained, but as they are represented in the word. 3. It was a pleasant and sweet light. ‘Truly light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun,’ Eccl. xi. 7. It had a heavenly satis­faction in God attending i [...]. It led to a pleasure in the [Page 91]fountain whence it came. 4. It was a distinct and clear light, repre [...]nting not only spiritual things, but manifest­ing them in their glory, 2 Cor. iv. 6. and in their comely order; it put all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct and sweet views of their ge­nuine tendency, i John ii. 27. [...]9. It was a satisfying light, the soul retled in the discoveries it made, and and was satisfied; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were [...] as it represented them, Psal. xvii. 16.6. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light; when this Sun of righteousness arose, there was healing under his [...], i [...]al. iv. 2. It was like the summer's sun, warming. Just word, it was the light of life, John viii. 12.7. It was a great light: It made great and clear discoveries, where [...]y it casily distinguished itself from any former knowledge of these things I had attained. And, 8. It was a powerful light. It dissipated that thick darkness that over [...]pre [...]d my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that had formerly disturbed me, fly before it. When the Lord arose, his enemies were scattered, and fled before his face, Psal. lxviii. 1.9. It was compo­sing, it did not, like a flash of lightning ^*, suddenly ap­pear, and fill the soul only with amazement and fear; but composed and quieted my soul, and put all my saculties in a due posture as it were, and gave me the exercise of them. It destroyed not, but improved my former know­ledge. These particulars might be explained and further amplified: But the nature of this narrative, and the brevity designed in it, will not allow me to insist and I the more willingly stop here, and forbear to give any more large account of my small experience of this light, because I know, that no words can express the notion, that the weakest Christian, who has his eyes opened, really has of its glory. The true notion of light is not conveyed by the ear. The ear tries words, the mouth tastes meat, Job xii. ii. but it is the eye that beholds the jun, Eph. v. 13. No words can convey a true notion of light to the blind. And he that has eyes, at least while he sees it, will need no words to describe it. It mani­fests, itself, and other things. It is like the new name, [Page 92]that none knows save he who has it. And they who really see, but because their light is weaker, and Satan raises mists to obscure it, will be more capable of jud [...]ing of it by its effects, than by any accounts of its nature; there­fore, I shall forbear to speak any more of that, and now proceed to account for the effects, whereby its reality and difference from former light will more obviously, evi­dently, and convincingly appear. However, at least while this shining brightness lasted, this one thing it con­vinced me fully of, and made me certainly know, that whereas I was blind, now I see, John ix. 25.

7. The first discernible effect of this discovery was, an approbation of God's way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ, to the praise of the glory of his grace, which I take to be the true scriptural notion of justifying faith; for this not only answers the scripture descriptions of it, by receiving, coming to him, leaking to him, trusting and believing in him, &c. John i. 12. Matth. xi. 25. Heb. xii. 2. Psal. ix. 10.; but it really gives him that glory, Rom. iv. 20 that be designed by all this contrivance, —the glo­ry of his wisdom, grace, mercy, and truth. Now this discovery of the Lord's name brought me to truth in him, and glory only in the Lord: I found my soul fully satis. fied in these discoveries, as pointing out a way of relief, altogether, and in all respects, suitable to the need of a poor, guilty, self condemned, self-destroyed sinner, beat from all other reliefs, and who has his mouth stepped before God, after he has spent all his substance to no pur­pose upon other physicians, Mark v. 26. In this I rested, as a way full of peace, comfort, security, and satisfac­tion, as providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation was not mercly for a fit, but over after in all temptations it discovered itself—1. By keeping me up in a fixed assent, and ad­herence of mind to, and persuasion of this truth, That God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is only in his Son, 1 John v. 11. 2. When afterwards I was, under temptations, solicited to go away and seek relief in other ways, it still kept me constant in a firm resolute rejection of all other ways of relief, and renunciation of all pro­posals that led to them, even when I found not the pre­sent comfort of this way; I ever held at that with E­phraim, [Page 93]What have I any more to do with idds? Hos. xiv. 8. And with the disciples, I still said, To whom shall I go? Thou host the words of eternal life, John vi. 68.3. In all my after-exercises about guilt, my soul counted all things but loss that it might win Christ, and get a new discovery of him, Phil. iii. 8. When challenges disturb­ed, when thoughts of an arpearance to judgment were suggesled, whenever, I was in a strait, this was the only sanctuary I took relief in: Let me be found in him [...]ot having mine own righteousness but b [...], Phil, iii. 9. if this be obtained, I am sase; and nothing besides this could make me think myself so. 4. Whenever the Lord did anew discover the glory of this way, by a beam of fr [...]h light, whatever my distress was before, it still compoted all, commanded a calm, answered chall hges, and give me boldness and access to God with good hope, as to all other things, through grace, 2 Th [...]ss. ii. 15. then I reje [...]ed in Christ Jesus, Rom. v. 2. Phil. iii. 3. and nothing else was able to disturb me while this view l [...]sted. 5. When­ever I was I wrong, yet still reited satission, that a dise [...] ­ry of the Lord in his own light would set all right ag [...]: And therefore I was ever at that, O that I was where I might find him, Job xxiii. 6. I Know, though he might m ke sin bitter, yet a m [...]nfestation of him [...] put strength in me Job xxiii. 3. as formerly in swe [...], [...] ­ence I had found. 6. I was then only pleased, [...] never approve myself, but when I found my [...] measure moulded into a compliance with the [...] of the gospel, Rom. vi. 10. emptied of self, su [...] to the Lord, and careful to have him alone exal [...]

8. The next remarkable effect of [...] that it set me right as to my chief [...] and made me look to the glory of [...] had sttill, in all the courses I had [...] no real concern for. Now mine [...] measure single, Matth. vi. 22. [...] [...] ­nour which in this light was [...] with my own happiness; and my rea [...]d [...] that evangelical self-denial, which the Lord every where cells for, consilts, discovered itself [...] all the [...] which I afterwards found of that [...] self, for [Page 94]obtainig its former room: 1. It manisefted itself in fre­quent desires, that the Lord alone might he exalted and glorified in my lise or by my death, Phil. 1.20.2. It kept my soul fixed in the persuasion of this, that it was every way meet that I should take shame and consusion to myself, as what truly and only belonged to me, and that the glory of my salvation was only and entirely the the Lord's due, Dan. ix. 8, 9.3. In a watchful obser­vation of the stirrings, and the most secretactings of self, secking to advance itself upon the thin of the Lord's horour, and to the prejedice of it; and uban I was not able to bear it down. I yet still cried against it, Not [...] is, &c. Psal. cxv. 1. Yes, I redoubled my cries in op­position to its impodent endeavors, Not autous, O Lord, not nets as, hat to thy name be the glory. 4. I was brought to look upon it as the principal eremy, on which I was always to have an eye, Gal. ii. 10.; and therefore where the seaft occasion offered, I had, at least when not other­wise cut of case, still a Not I, ready as a caution against it, I or. xv. 10.2 Cor. x. 5. And, 5. The remaining self power and activity of this idol, still has been one of my greatest grievances, Rom. vii. 24.6. I never was satisfied, nor found comfort, Rom. vii. 25. but where this idol is discernibly at under; and no victory is so re­freshing, as what at any time is, in more or less, obtained over this, Phil. iii. 8, 9.7. As the apostles, (2 Cor. iv. 5, and 6, compared), by the shining of the light of the knowledge of the glory of God into their minds, were made to preach not th [...]niselves, but Jesus Christ the Lord. So whenever this light shone, according to the measure of its clearness, and its continuance, the interest of self was weakened in my soul, and I was made to seck not myself but Christ Jesus the Lord.

9. The evidence of this change was for some time fre­quently darkened; by which I found, whenever I was a­gain, by the prevalency of sin, challenges thence arising, or the Lord's hiding, brought under any sears of my own salvation, then my thoughts were nigrossed, and as it were wholly and only taken up about my own safety, and my concern for the Lord's glory not then appearing, I was there by cast under fears that I was altogether selfish; but [Page 95]the Lord at length cleared up this case unto me. Our minds are weak, they have many concerns, some where of they value more, some less: they cannot, through their weakness and limited nature, be intent in their thoughts about all, or even many of them, at once. And there­fore when any one, though the least of them, is in hazard, their care must be taken up mainly, and as it were about that only, Lake xv. 4. I ven the good shepherd, though really he vajues the ninety and nice more than the are rest, and employ all his thoughts as it were about that: But when all are equally safe, and none of our concerns are in any visible hazard, then is the only proper time to judge what is really uppermost in the soul; that which it then is most frequently with, delights most in, and can least think of patting with, that is uppermost. That which has the heart is the treasure, Matth. vi. 21. And the Lord let me see that my soul was, when all was safe, wholly almost taken up in viewing with delight the mani­festations of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ.

10. Before I proceed to take notice of any other ef­fects of this discovery, I shall represent in a sew particu­culars, the pleasant way where by the Lord carried on this change as to the chief end—I. When the Lord came to work this change, I was funk under the weighing sense of this, that I had destroyed myself, Hos. xiii. 6. and deeply concerned to know how I might be saved, ibid. Isa. xlv. 24.2. The Lord made me first lock up, by a discovery of salvation and help which answered my con­cern about my own case. 3. When I looked to this salvation, I found it in him. 4. When by this means I came to see his glory shining in the continvance of my salvation, by the lustre of it I was affected so, that I be­gan to value it above all things, and look on it as of that importance, that, provided it were secured, all other things, the highest concerns of the creatures not except­ed, were of small moment, Phil. i.: 9. And, 5. Here­in viewing the glory of his goodness, in ordering it so, that the creatures in aiming at his glory should fird their own salvation; this endeared the Lord and his ways ex­ceedingly. Thus the Lord sweetly led me, by a view of [Page 96]help suited to my case, to a discovery of his glory in my salvation; and helped me to place things, in some mea­sure, at least in wish and design, in their own order, and give his glory the pre eininency that was its due. But this only by the bye. Now I go on.

11. A third discernible effect of this discovery was, with respect unto the Lord's yoke, his precepts, 2 Cor. iii. 18. beholding his glory, I was changed into his image, and made to look on his yake as easy, and his burden as light, Matth. xi. 30. and to count that his commaniments were not grievous 1 John v. 3. but right concerning all things, Psal. cxix. 128. This was very far contrary to my former temper. Now the reality of this change ap­peated and evidenced itself, even amidst all temptations, slips, yea, and relapses into the satare sin, several ways— 1. I now came to a fixed persuasion, that the law was not only just such against which I could make no rea­sonable exception; but holy, such as became God; and good, Rom. vii. 12. such as every way was suhed to my true interest, and peace, and advantage, which I could never think before. 2. Though I [...] in me opposing it still, yet I delighted after to in and man in the low, as boly, just, spiritual, [...] Form. vii. 20, 22.3. I saw the commandment [...] broad, Psal. cxix. 96. [...], and [...] delighted with it, R [...]n. vii. 14.4. The [...] heart had the greatest aversion to former [...] made easy, pleasant, and refreshing, om [...] Formerly I could not thick spiritual minde [...] easy to me or any other: But now when I [...] in some measure, for some time, as first after [...] I did, I found it life and peace; and on [...] carnal mindedness was as death. 5. I [...] peculiar beauty in there laws in partic [...] [...] those sins which had the firmest rooci [...] and the greatest advantage from my [...] occasional temptations, Psal. xviii. 2. [...] all these advantages still continued, and [...] heart was so strangely altered, that [...] ful, upon the account of n [...]ne did I [...] no sins was I so glad of victory over, [...] I so truch [Page 97]for the ruin of, or did I cry so much against, or complain so frequently of to the Lord, and set myself more 2-gainst; my mind was continually engaged in contrivances for their ruin, which formerly I sought still to have spa­red. And if the Lord would have given me it in my choice, to have the laws that crossed them razed, or to let them stand, he knows I would have thought the law less pleasant, less perfect, if these had been wanting, Phil. iii. 7. Thus what things were gain, 1 [...]w counted dung, and endeavoured to keep myself from mine iniquity, Psal. xviii. 23. and I could never think myself happy till these were plucked out, which were before as the right eye, Matth. v. 29, 30.6. I took delight in others, or in myself, only in so far as there appeared any thing of a self­denied, humble conformity to the law of the Lord, such I counted as the excellent of the earth, Psal. xvi. 2, 3. and I was glad when I got near them in any the mean­est instance. 7. My soul frequently spent itself in such breathings after conformity to the law of God, as the cxixth Psalm is filled with throughout, Psal. cxix. 5, 20, 33, 112. O that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes. My heart breaketh, through the longing it hath to thy com­mands at all times. Incline my heart that I may keep them always unto the end,—and the like. 8. This appeared fur­ther, in a fixed dislike of the least inconformity to the law, either in myself or others. Now, albeit I was not always suitably affected with my own or other's breach­es, yet this was my burden. I wished always that rivers of tears might run down my eyes, because I or other trans­gressors kept not God's law, Psal. cxix. 136.9. Even when sin prevailed, and I was afraid to be ruined, when that which was ordained for life oroved death to me, even then my liking to the law, and value for conformity con­tinued, all this notwithstanding I consented to the law, that it was holy, just, and good, Rom. vii. 10, 16.10. The sins which, through the force of temptation, I frequent­ly relapsed into, yet were, and I durst appeal to the search­er of hearts as to the truth of this, what I would not do: That is, what the constant bent of my will (when not un­der the immediate force of a temptation, Rom. vii. 12. when I was not myself) was set against. II. Now nothing [Page 98]appeared more satisfactory in heaven, than a prospect of being there satisfied with his likeness, Psal. xvii. 5.12. I looked on the remainder of sin, as my greatest misery and burden, and that which made me truly a wretched man, Rom. vii. 24. and daily cry for deliverance. In aword, I saw that if I could reach conformity to God's law, I would have pleasure, and peace, and liberty, Prov. iii. 17. All wisdom's ways are ways of peace, her paths pleasantness, her commendments not grievous, I John v. 3. her yoke light, and nothing uneasy, but that remaining enseb­dned corruption, that would not hoop to put its neck un­der the yoke, Matth, xi. 29, 30. This effect was the most discernible of any, under temptations, and has stood me in the best stead.

12. A fourth discernible effect of this discovery, was the exercise of evangelical repentance, which was very different in many respects from that sorrow I before was acquainted with. 1. In its rise: sorrow formerly flowed from discoveries of sin, as it brings on wrath, now it flowed from a sense of sin, as containing wretched un­kindness to one, who was astonishingly kind to an un­worthy wretch. I looked upon him whom I had pierced, and mourned, Zech. xii 10. O! what an unkind wretch am I, to provoke such a God, who has followed me with so much mercy, and yet offers kindness? 3. Sor­row formerly wrought death, 2 Cor. vi. 10. alienated my heart from God, and so dispirited for duty, and made me fear hurt from him: But this sorrow filled my heart with kindness to God, to his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. It flowed from a sensen of his favour, to an unworthy wretch that deserved none, and was thus a godly sorrow leading to kindness to God, drawing near to him, but with much humble sense of my own unworthiness, like the returning prodigal, when he saw his father coming to meet him, Luke xv. 20, 21.2. The more God manifested of his kindness, the more this still increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded, Ezek. xvi. 63. After I was turned I repented, I smote noon my breast, and was ashamed and confounded for my strayings, Jer. i. 9. The sorrow I had before I looked on as a burden, it was nothing but seld [...]sh concern for my own safety, and a fear of being [Page 99]made to seel the effects of a righteous resentment of God. But this sorrow was sweet and pleasant, as being the exercise of filial gratitude, and I took pleasure in the surprising manifestations of God's favour to one so un­worthy, and in acknowledging my own unworthiness, Psal. lxxiii. 22, 23. A sense of my ingratitude, when kept within, covered me with blushes, and I was eased when the Lord allowed me to vent my sense of it, and pour it as it were in his bosom. 5. This sorrow was a spring of activity in the way of duty; and I was glad to be employed in the meanest errand that might give opportunity to evidence how deeply I resented my former disobedience, Luke xv. 19. Make me as one of thy hired servants. 6. In a word, it had all the marks, in some measure, which the apostle gives of the exercise of this grace. It was a godly sorrow, coming from God, it led to God, as always what comes from him in a way of grace, leads to him in a way of duty. It wrought re­pentance unto life not to be repented of, 2 Cor. vi. 10. it issued in a return to the way of life, and to such a course, as upon a review I did not repent of, but delighted in, and defired to be carried further on in. And still in as far as this sorrow obtained, there was a liveliness in fol­lowing this way, that leads to salvation or life. It wrought carefulness to avoid sin, and please God, indignation a­gainst sin, fear of offending God again, vehement desire of having sin removed, the Lord glorified, and obedi­ence promoted: It wrought zeal for God, and revenge against myself and sin. It was not as former sorrow, preg­nant with pride, stiffness, and unwillingness to undergo any chastisement; but it humbled, softened the soul, and wrought a willingness to bear the indignation of the Lord when I had sinned against him. In a word, I was glad when the Lord allowed me any measure of it, and griev­ed when I found it wanting, and cried to the Prince ex­alted for it, because of the good effects it had, and the real advantage I found by it, with respect unto the whole of that obedience the Lord requires.

13. A fifth discernible effect of this discovery was, a humble, but sweet and comfortable hope, and persuasion of my own salvation, answerable to the clearness of this discovery; that is, rising in strength, or growing more [Page 100]weak, and less discernible, as the discoveries of the way of salvation were more or [...] clear und strong. New because this is what I take for gospel assurance, with the worthy Dr. Owen, I shall give some further account of it, as I found it then and since.—I. When the Lord gave this discovery of his way of salvation, he satisfied me, that it was a way full of peace and security, the only safe way whereon I might safely venture; and hereby, as I told formerly, I was sully persuaded, That this was the way wherein I should walk, Isa. xxx. 21. Hereby I was tr [...]ed from that disquieting sear, that in trusting to it, I was trusting to that which would fail. I was satisfied, I could not fail otherwise than by missing this way; I doubt­ed of myself, but not of the way. 2. The Lord, by the discovery above mentioned, did powerfully draw my soul to close with it; and in so far as I have to, and closed with this, in so far, considering the former discovery of the safety of this way, I could not doubt of the issue, but was sweetly satisfied, that my expectation should not be cut off, Prov. xxiii. 18. nor my labour in [...]ain in pursuing this course. While I clave to, and reposed with satisfaction on what I was convinced was safe, I could not, in so far as I leaned to this, but be quiet and composed about the issue. Which shews how nearly allied faith and assurance are, though they are not the same, and therefore no wonder the one should be taken for the other. 3. Hereby I was animated to walk on in this way, and follow duty; and finding, as I went on in duty, that so far as I proceeded, my expectation was not disappointed, still according to success, this hope insensibly and secretly grew. This God is our God, we have waited for him, and he will save us, Isa. xxv. 9.4. This discovery manifesting salvation in a way of self denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so soon marred this hope, as the least appearance of self, and stirring of pride. Whenever the glory of the Lord was revealed, and he spake peace, I was hereon filled with shame, and the decper this humiliation was, still the humble confidence of my safety increased, Ezek. xvi. 63. Now these two last remarks shew, how far this assurance is from any consistency with negligence, much less does it foster it: For it grows only upon adherence to the Lord's [Page 101]way, and is strengthened by a successful pursuit of salva­tion in the Lord's way. To intermit or neglect duty, razes the foundation, or at least, lays an unsurmountable stop in the way of its progress and growth. And fur­ther, it is widely differenced from that unassaulted con­fidence some pretend to, which is a fruit of pride, and fosters it, as the last remark clears. In a word, the case is plainly thus: This way the Lord discovers, is safe for a self-condemned sinner. I am sate in a practical adher­ence to it. The further I go, and the closer I in prac­tice cleave to this way, hope of this salvation increases the more. Here no place for sloth, but a spur to dili­gence, as what will not be in vain in the issue, and is at­tended with the comfort in every step, as carrying still nearer the desired salvation. And this safery arising from a renunciation of all confidence in the flesh, and a trust only in the sovereign grace of God through Christ, there is no place for confidence in ourselves, or pride in any degree, the least degree of pride being a step out of this way of peace and safety.

14. A sixth discernible difference, was with respect to the ordinances of the Lord's appointment, Psal. xxvi. 4. This discovery, 1. Drew me to follow them as the Lord's institutions, and appointed means of obtaining discoveries of his beauty. 2. It made me follow after discoveries of the Lord's glory in them, and discoveries from him of myself, my case, my sin, my duty. I desired to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple, ibid. 3. It put me to the Lord to seek these discoveries from him, and to pray with respect both to myself and those concerned in the dispensation of the gospel; one thing have I desired of the Lord, ibid. This was now more constant; I desired and sought after it. 4. I was brought to more of liveliness, when the Lord discovered himself; my soul then followed hard after him, Psal. lxiii. 8. cxix. 32, 65. when his hand upheld me, and when he drew I ran. 5. When the Lord enlarged and caused me to approach to him, and see his glory, he still humbled me, dicovered self, and put me in opposition to it: I have seen him, and therefore I loathed myself, Job xlii. 5, 6.6. I was now acquainted, in some measure, with [Page 102]that boldness and freedom of access, with humble [...]onsi­dence, to God, as on a throne of grace manifesting him­self in Christ. I [...] a word, I was sensible of the Lord's hiding and manifesting himself in duty, in some measure, and or the necessity of the exercise of grace, particularly of [...] in all approaches to God, and thereby pus upon frequent complaints, dejections for the want of it, cries to C [...] for it, and the like.

15. Many other effects followed upon this discovery, [...]o long to repeat at large. [...]i. Hereon I found a new and formerly unknown love to all that seemed to have [...]ching of the Lord's image, however different in prin­cipses as to lesser things, tempers, &c. and though distant and unknown, otherwise than by report. And this evi­dencing itself in prayer for them, sympathy with them in their afflictions; which, as all the other, still was more or less lively, according as I was otherwise in worse or better case. I John iii. 14. By this do we know we are passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. A­gain, 2. Hereon I found my care of all the Lord's con­cerns enlarged, and I began to be desirous to have the Lord exalted on the earth, Psal. cxii. 6, 7, &c. Zion prosper, and all that love her: I was fearful of hazard that threatened any of his interests, affected with the suf­ferings of his people, or any loss his interest sustained. And, 3. Hereon I began to be more concerned for any affronts offered to the Lord's glory by others. I saw transgressors and was grieved, because they kept not God's law, Psal. cxix. 158. and was oft made to weep, and pray for them in secret, Jer. xiii. 17.4. I found it easy and delightsome to suppress resentments, and oppose them, and even to pray for those whom I apprehended to have injured the, Luke vi. 27, 28. Yea, with delight I could seek their real good, and pray earnestly for it, Psal. xxxv. 13. Other consequences of this discovery will be mentioned hereafter, in their proper places.

16. To conclude this chapter, I found this discovery sweetly drawing (Psal. cxix. 32. Cant. i. 4.) to a wil­ling, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation. Whereas, all former courses I took only drave forcibly to a feigned submission: Which made me oft [Page 103]admire the folly of Socinians and Arminians and other Pe [...]gian enemies, who pretend, that free justification leads to security and carelessless. I could not but say, and think often, What! shall I believe such wild and wicked reproaches against my clear experience? Do not I find the quite contrary, while the love of Christ constrains to judge thus, That if one died for all, then were all dead: that they who henceforth live, should not live to themselves, but to him that di [...]d for them? 2 Cor. v. 14, 15. They err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God.

Thus [...] things were in some measure made new; and I, who a little before, with the jailor, Acts xvi. 34, had fallen down trembling, was now raised up and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and be­lieving. But alas! I was like the disciples on the mount, I dreamed not of what was abiding me, Matth. xvii. 4. as the sequel will shew. This I desire to recount, how­ever, with thankfulness, not to my own commendation, but to the praise of the glory of his grace, Eph. i. 3, [...] How far I was from having attained, or being already perfect, Phil. iii. 12. the following pages will clear.

CHAP. III. Containing an account of the pleasure of my case at this time, the mistakes I was still under, the sad effects of them, and the way of their discovery.

1. THIS glorious discovery was very surprizing, and filled m [...] with wonder; oft was I made to [...] and wonder that this strange sight meant, Exod. iii. 3. and whereto it would turn. Things that I had not heard were told me, Isa. lii. 15. Oft did I say, What hath the Lord wrought! Psal. cxxvi. 1, 2, 3. When God turned back the captivity of Zion, we were like men that dreamed. Our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: Then said they among the heathen, The Lord hath done great things for them. The Lord hath done great things for us, whereof we are glad: The great­ness of the things God hath done surpassed belief; and yet the great and clear light wherein they were dis­covered, [Page 104]and the discernible effects, would not allow me to doubt.

2. Albeit the effects of this discovery above mentioned were most discernible at first, yet I did not then, nor till after that light was gone, distinctly observe them.— [...] 1. The glory of the Lord was so great, that for a time I only fixed my eyes upon that, and I was less in­tent, though much pleased with it, upon the change that was thereby wrought on me. All this while I was still crying out, Whence is this to me? Luke i. 43. And what am I, and what's my father's bonse, that the Lord has vi­sited me, and brought me hitherto? 2 Sam. vii. 18. Again, 2. I was the less sensible, or at least was the less distinct in observing these things, because of the remaining darkness as to the many and great things contained in the cove­nant of grace. This light clearly revealed the mystery of sice justification through Christ, and peace by his bloo [...]: But I was afterwards to learn other things be­ [...]ging to the mystery of redemption: This was what I at present needed, and this the Lord gave abundantly, in so far as the present case required it. But yet after this glorious light had staid some considerable time with me, I was sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even unto the mystery of forgiveness, the daily use of this atonement, and the use specially of the Lord Christ with respect to sanctification. [...] Well might Christ say to me many a day after this, as to Philip, John xiv. 9. Have I been so long time with you, and yet bast thou not known me, Philip? What therefore the Lord had done at this time, I knew not now, but here [...]fter, John xiii. 7. xvi. 13. when the Comforter had further instructed me in the nature of the gospel discovery, as I was able to hear it, and as my daily exigencies required it; and when with Peter, being come to myself, recovered out of the strange surprise, and put to consider the thing, then I knew, with him, Acts xii. 11, 12. more distinctly what con­cerned the Lord's work, and what he had done for me, Acts xviii. 26.

3. This discovery, while it lasted, was full of ravish­ing sweetness, and many things contributed very much to make it so—I. The case wherein it found me: I was [Page 105]condemned by God, by my own conscience, and was like to sink under the pressure of the fear of a present execu­tion of the sentence: When the usual labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body toiled and wasted with the disquiet of my mind, made me heavy, and urged it more; yet I was afraid to close mine eyes, lest I should awaken in hell, and durst not let myself sleep, till I was by a weary body beguiled into it, lest I should drop into the pit before I was aware, Eccl. v. 12. Was it any wonder that the news of pardon and forgiveness were sweet to one in such a case? whereby I was made to lie down in safety, and take quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid, Micah iv. 4. For so giveth he his beloved sleep, Psal. cxxvi. 2. A little before I was like Jonah in the whale's belly, Jonah ii. 5, 6, 7. The waters compassed me about even to the soul; the deep closed me round about, the weeds were wrapt about my head, I went down to the bottom of the mountains, the earth with her bars was about me for ever. Ver. 4. And I said, I am cast out of God's sight. Now, was it any wonder that such an one was delighted when brought into a garden of delights, placed out of all view of trouble, save a reflec­tion on it as past, which is retreshing, and set down, to sun himself, and dry himself under the refreshing rays of the Sun of righteousness? 2. The things that the Lord discovered, were in themselves glorious, the glory of the Lord shone about me: I saw such things as eye hath not seen, besides thee, O God, Isa. lxiv. 4. No man hath seen God at any time, the only begotten of the Father, he hath declared him, John i. 18. In a word, what I saw was the mystery of godliness, 1 Tim. iii. 26. the wonders of God's law, which the angels stooping earnestly look into, 1 Pet. i. 12. and that with wonder. 3. They were new things wherewithal I was utterly unacquaint before, and this made them the more affecting, Isa, lii. 15. He shall sprin­kle many nations, the kings shall shut their mouths at him: For that which had not beem told them shall they see, and that which they had not heard shall they confider. Prov. xxv. 26. As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country. Again, 4. The light wherein these things were discovered, was a clear sparkling light, that [Page 106]had a warming force, and reviving influence, that I was altogether a stranger to before: And one that was a stran­ger to light, at least to this light of the Lord, could not but with pleasure enjoy it; for truly light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to behold the sun, Eccl. xi. 7.

4. This discovery and manifestation was of a much lon­ger continuance, and far more bright than any I ever since got; for it shone in its brightness for about ten days time, and for long after that, it was not quite off: And while it lasted, many things made it observable—1. New discoveries were daily made, the Lord carried from one thing to another, and in this short time taught me more than by all my study I had learned before: Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another and quite different manner; what naturally and notional­ly I knew before, in it I corrupted myself, Jude 10. but now the Lord instructed me with a strong hand that I should not walk in this way; Isa. viii. 11. and day unto day uttered spe [...]h and might unto night taught knowledge, Psal. xix. 2.; every day I was surprised with some new and before unthought of discovery of the Lord, Iron. iv. 8. This was as the shining light, st [...]ming more and more unto the po [...]fect day. 2. All this [...]uoe my mind was wholly almost taken up about spiritual things: my conversation was in heaven, Phil. iii. 20. I saw those with whom I conver­sed turn every thing (even what was not only innocently, but piously said and meant) into obscene senses: Where­as now, whatever occuned in reading, in meditation, in converse, in daily observation, was by mind, and to it, spiritualized. I reflected with wonder on this difference, and oft, during this while, was made to look on the mind as a mould that casts whatever is brought into it into its own shape, Tit. i. 15. To the pure all things are pure, but to them that are defiled, and unbelieving, is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled. 3. Hereon I was not only joyful, but I found the joy of the Lord my strength, Neh. viii. 10. for all this while I was carried out to extra [...]inary pleasure and diligence in duty; it was not now, as for ne [...]ly, a burden to go to duty: But I rejoiced when they said to me, Let us go to the house of God, Psal. cxxi. 1. And my soul answered, I will go to God my chief joy, to God that performeth all things for [Page 107]me, Psal. lvii. 2. My heart was enlarged, and I run in the way of God's commandments with delight, Psal. cxix. 32. Willingly I engaged in duty; and when I was en­gaged in it, my soul oft made me like the chariots of Ammi­nadib, Cant. vi. 2. and I was not easily stopped; and failed sometimes as to the just bounds, whereby others, that felt not that ravithing sweetness I enjoyed, were some­times disgested, though some were not; for so near as I can reckon, it was about this time that the Lord began to commend himself and his worship to lady Anne Elcho, which made her at death bless the Lord for family wor­ship. 4. The Lord daily instructed me all this while out of the scriptures, and my heart burned within me while be talked and walked with me by the way, and opened the scriptures, Luke xxiv. 32. which before were as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark; even that where­of I had some notion, I was ready to say of it, I cannot read it, for it is sealed, Isa. is. II. The design and in­tent, and mystery was hid from me; and the rest of it, I was forced to say, I know nothing of it, I was not learned. Again, 5. Mine enemies received a sinnning stroke, and all of a sudden, by the appearance of the sun, these frightful things that disturbed me in the dark disap­peared: He graciously for a time restrained them, and bore down corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any disturbance by these enemies, [...]th whom I have before had, and since likewise, many sad wrestlings, Psal. xviii. 12, 14. At the brightness that was before h [...], [...] thick clonds passed. When the Lord arose h [...] enemies were scattered. Yea, he sent out his arrows a [...] sca [...]ered them; and be sont out lightnings and discomf [...]red [...]h [...]m. Ver. 17. Thus he deliverra me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. 6. Which was the lise of all the former, the Lord, by keeping his glory continually in mine eye, kept me all this while more humble and self-denied than ever: Seeing him, I loathed and detested seit, Job xlii. 6. Beholding his glory, I was in mine own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing and vanity, and gloried only in the Lora, re­joicing in Christ, esus, and had no confidence in the siesh, Num. xiii. 33. Isa. xl. 22. I Cor. i. 30.

[Page 108] 5. The Lord had many gracious designs in this, which I was ignorant of then, as what I shall speedily narrate will shew; but the Lord has in some measure since taught me, some of which I shall here narrate—i. I was sore broken and wounded before, and the Lord did this in tenderness, Job v. 18. He bound up my wounds, Psal. cxlvii. 3. He poured in oil, Luke x. 34. He made a bid in my sickness, Psal. xli. 3. He watched me, and keps me free from disturbance, till I was somewhat strength­ened, Isa. xl. ii. 2. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as one who had in anger shut up his tender mercies, and forgotten to be graci [...]us, Psal. lxxvii. 8, 9. and I was not easily induced to believe good tidings, for I had forget prosperity, Lam. iii. 17. and though it was told me, I could not believe, Job xl. 16. partly for joy, and partly for sear, till I got a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived, Gen. xlv. 27. and the Lord satisfied me in deep condescension, that he was seal, and in earnest, and had [...] pleasure in my death, Ezek. xviii. 32. and xxxiii. II. and that the wound was not incurable, Jer. xv. 18. that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, Jer. xxx. 14, 17. but the wound of a friend, in or­der so healing. 3. He was now for to make me sell all for the pearl, Matth. xiii. 45, 46. And like a fair m [...]r­chant that means not to cheat, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to choose, that I might be satisfied I had made a good bargain: And though many a day I have seen neither sun, nor m [...]on, nor stars, since, Acts xxvii. 20. and have been in the deep day and night, 2 Cor. xi. 25. yet so far did this go, that I durst never once in with retract my choice. 4. He knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore led me not into that long and weary journey till he had made me cat once and again, as he did by Elijah, 1 Kings xix. 6, 7.5. The Lord did not at first plunge me into war, lest I should have repented my engagement, Exod. xiii. 17. And it come to pass, when Pharash bad let the people go, that God bad not led them through the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near; for God said, lest pevadventure the people re [...]evt when they see war, and [Page 109]they return to Egypt. 6. The Lord hereby undeceived me as to my hard thoughts of his ways, and reproved me for them; oft was 1 put to say, Lord, I was as a beast, Psal. lxxiii. 22. and how brutish was I to think that spirituality was a burden, and that it was impo [...]sible to be one day so to an end, without weariness! Thus he let me see, that I uttered what I understood not, Job xlii. 3. and though once I had so spoken, yet now I durst not proceed, Job xl. 4.5. For I saw what with men is impos­sible, with God is possible and easy, Matth. xix. 26, who can change the heart, and then the thoughts change, Matth. xii. 33. Finally, The Lord designed to give me something that might in all after trials be staying; and oft has the remembrance of this been sweet when present sense failed, Prov. xxi. 1. Dan. iv. 16. I called to mind the years of the right band of the most High, Psal. lxxvii. 10. and was still supported by it.

6. But, alas! I understood not this, and by my ignorance I was cast into sad mistakes. 1. I fancied this world would last always. I ravingly talked of tabernacles, with the disciples on the mount, Matth. xvii. 4. I knew not that I was to come down again, and that my dearest Lord was to depart from me again. Psal. xxx. 6, 7. In my prosperity, I said, My mountain stands strong by thy favour, and I shall never be moved. 2. I dreamed no more of sighting with corruptions; but thought that the enemies that appeared not, were dead, and that the Egyptians were all drowned in the sea, Exod. x v. 13. and that I should never learn, nor have occasion for learning war, Is [...]. ii. 4.3. I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and stint myself to such a course of walking, as neither our circumstances, comptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. Hereon I remember, I could not en­dure to read these books which were really proper and necessary to be read, and all time employed in them I reckoned on as lost: This was the old legal temper be­ginning to work again, and secretly inclining to seek nighteousness, not directly as before, but as it were by the works of the law, Rom. ix. 32. and aiming to entangle me in a yoke of bondage: Yea, I began to grudge and be challenged about the time spent in necessary refresh­ment [Page 110]of the body by meat and sleep, and endeavoured to abridge myself. The devil secretly drove from one extreme to another, and be knew full well that I would not hold here, and that he would easily get me cast late another extreme, to assume a latitude beyond what was due, Col. ii. 23. Thus I was well nigh entangled into that yoke of bondage which the Lord hath so lately broke; and deceived into a voluntary humility and mor­tification, being vainly passed up to it by my s [...]ly mind, Col. ii. 18.4. I began to reckon upon calargement and success in duty, as what was not only my due, but what I should always have, and that it was more mine own than really it was: I began to speak of it with de­light, like the disciples, I said, Lord, even the d [...]cils are subject to [...]s, Luke x. 17.20.5. I looked upon this stock of grace I had gotten, as what would be sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties, Isa. xl. 31. and saw not that the grace that was sufficie [...], 2 Cor. xii. 9. was yet in the Lord's hand.

7. But now the Lord quickly undeceived me: For, 1. After a little he began to hide himself, Psal. xxx. 7.2. He gave me a thor [...] in the s [...]sh to humble me, 2 Cor. xii. 7. My corruptions began to stir again, and like gi­ants refreshed by wine, to make furions assaults. 3. A messenger of Sat [...] was sent to butset me, ibid. and I be­gan to seel the fury of his tempeations.

8. Hereon I was cast into great perplexity. I. I [...]ell into deep sorrow: Thou didst hide thy face and I was trou­bled, Psal. xxx. 7.2. I began to question the truth of former manifestations, and to say with the disciples, We thought it bad been be that should have redesmed [...]srac [...], Luke xxiv. 21. Again, 3. I began to doubt of my through-bearance, and to say, One day I sha [...] perish by the boud of Saul, 1 Sam. xxvii. 1. And, 4. I began to quarrel secretly with the Lord as if he had beguiled me, and to say, Why hast thou not delivered me? Exod. v. 12, 13. Why is my bondage increased, since thou began to a [...] ­pear for my deliverance?

9. Under this case I tried all means, but run oft [...] wrong ways. 1. I complained, and then my soul was [...]erwhelmed, Psal. lxxvii. 3. Again, 2. I thought [...] [Page 111]God; but not sinding the discoveries as before, I was troubled, ibid. 3. I enquired into the causes of this, Psal. lxxvi. 6, 7, &c. Wherefore bidess thou thy s [...]ce [...] Why art thou so far from belping? But here oft my spirit began to go too far, and even to say, Jer. xv. 18. Wilt thou be al­ways as a liar, and as waters that sail? And then I took myself, and was sunk deeper for my wickedness in chiding with God. 4. I essayed to shake myself, and to go to du­ty as before, Judges xvi. 20. I wist not that the Lord was departed, that my locks were cut, and that the enemy that lay in my bosom had discevered my strength, and got be­tween me and it.

10. I was hereon exceedingly melancholy, and so much the more, that now I remembered all my goodly pleasant things I enjoyed before I sell into-the c [...]e [...]i [...]s hand, La [...]. i. 7. But yet when, after the violence of the conslict, I recovered myself, I could not but see that things were letter at my worst case, than sormerly in my best. For, 1. The Lord gave frequent blinks of his countenance: He ‘looked forth at the windows, and shewed himself thro the la [...]ess,’ Cant. ii. [...]. and sometimes put in his singer by the hale of the [...], and spoke kindly, and my bowels were u [...]ved for him, v. 4.2. He frequently let me see some­what of his power and glory in the sancinary, Psal. lxiii. 2.3. opened a scripture and made my heart burn, or un­folded my case, and told me all that was in my heart, Luke xxi [...]. 32. or let me see the end of enemies. 3. Some­times he allowed me access to him, Rom. v. 2. and made me come even to his seat, Job xxiii. 3. and pour out my sond to him, Psal. lxii. 8.4. When I was at my lowest, I stood otherwise affected to Christ than before: Though I could not run after him, yet I unwillingly strayed a­way: My soul longed after him, Psal. lxxxiv. 2. when wilt thou come? Psal. ci. 2. I frequently breathed for drawings, Draw me, and I will run after thee, Cant. i. 4. sometimes I essayed to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would empower me to lay hold on him: I still stock to this, that salvation only is to be sound in him; I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on, and though be should stay me, ye [...] trust in him I would, Job vi. 68.5. As to the law of [Page 112]the Lord, though I could not run as when my heart was enlarged, Psal. cxix. 32. yet my will was still bent that way: I longed to walk, and run, and for that enlarge­ment that would make me run: I breathed after con­formity: I had no quarrel at it, but myself: I delighted in the law after the inward man, Rom. vii. 22.6. As to sin, there was a great odds; though I could not delight in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of delighting in sin: I was sometimes by the power of temptation driven to consent, to its embraces, but that was just such a forced consent, as by the power of conviction I before gave to the law; whenever I was at myself, I retracted it; my re­pentings were kindled within me, Hos. xi. 8. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before, Judges xvi. 15. I found another sort of opposition made to it; it was dead in purpose and design; and if it gained vic­tory, I was the more enraged against it. In a word, as to the law of God, I was as a sick man with his friends sitting at his bed side; he has no aversion to them, though he cannot delight in them as before, he reflects with such a pleasure, as his present case allows, upon the satisfaction he has had in their converse, and wishes to be in case again. But I was quite contrary with respect to sin. Finally, This deadness was now a preternatural state; I could not rest in it, but cried daily, Psal. lxxxv. 6. When wilt thou revive me? I loathed myself for it: I wearied, I essayed to break prison, I looked back to former seasons when it had been otherwise, and oft said, O that it were with me as in months past, Job xxix. 2.

CHAP. IV. Containing an account of my strugglings with indwelling sin, its victories, the causes of them on my part, and God's goodness with respect to this trial.

1. I Had not been long in this pleasant case before I found my mistake, that enemies were not foiled, and that I must down into the valley, and wrestle with principalities, and powers, Eph. vi. 12. and fight with no less enemies than the Anakims. My corruptions, self, [Page 113]passion, &c. and especially those sins which casily beset me, Heb. xii. 1. which formerly I was so careful to have spared, and which I refused to deliver up to justice, set upon me. And finding that I was now no more their's, as formerly, they gave me frequent scils: I fell before them often, and multiplied relapses, Rom. vii. 21, x9. When I would do good, evil was present with me, and the good I would do, through their power, I did not, and the evil I would not do, that I did. Thus I learned, that the difference betwixt the Lord's people and others, is not simply in this, that the one falls and the other stands, but that there is a difference in the issue, Prov. xxiv. 16. The just man falleth seven times, but the wicked shall fall into mischief.

2. Now though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to ar­mour upon the appearance of these enemies, who receiv­ed great advantage by that security wherein I had fallen. And before I was aware, they received a great advantage I could not easily get from them again. But however, since fight I must, I tried what weapons would be most successful, Judges xi. 35. And, 1. I objected to them, that now I had no more to do with them: I had enga­ged with the Lord, Isa, xxvi. 13.2. I essayed to rea­son against them, as Joseph did, but without his faith, Shall I do this great evil, and sin against God? Gen. xxxix. 9.3. When they still persisted, I essayed to flee from them, and avoid the occasions: But the enemy was in my bosom, Prov. iv. 14, 15.4. I prayed against them, that the Lord would rebuke them, Zech. iii. 2.5. I complained of them as his enemies, Hab. i. 1.6. I protested aginst them, Rom. vii. 20. And many other ways did I try.

3. But after all they persisted, and I was often soiled; and hereon I fell into grievous discouragement. And, 1. I began to doubt if I was sincere, or if the Lord was really with me: If the Lord be us, why is all this evil came upon us? Judges vi. 13.2. I began to doubt of the issue, and conclude, I should one day perish by their band 1 Sam. xxvii. 1.3. My conscience being defiled, I was damped, and could not look up to God. And up­on the whole, I was in very great distress, oft at giving over, Psal. xl. 12.

[Page 114] 4. Though I oft searched at the time, I could not dis­cover whence it was that I sailed, Psal. lxxvii. 6. For no mean that I thought of then, almost, I lest unessayed. But since, several reasons of the prevalency of sin, and the unsuccessfulness of my attempts against it, has the Lord graciously discovered, though I am far from think­ing to hit them all, or pretending to remember even all that the Lord hath discovered; yet some of them I shall mea­tion, that now occur: 1. I was in the entry of this war­fare too confident in grace already received, laid too much stress on it, and promised too much on my own hand, like Peter, Matth. xxvi. 33. and so wonder I met with his fate, and was lest to make discoveries of my own weakness. 2. The subtile enemies I had to do with, took [...]e betwixt the straits, and I was not watchful a­gainst, nor aware of the seasons when they had special advantage. The thief knew his time, when the good man is from home, and all is quiet, Matth. xxiv. 43. And I did not watch; and therefore be came in an hour when I looked not for him. 3. Mine enemies put me upon vain work, where the sin lay, not in the thing itselt, but in the degree of it, there my subtile enemies put me on to appear against, and seek to eradicate what was really in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with re­spect to passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people: I minded not, that if we were boand altogether up from converse with the idolaters, fornicators, &c. of this world, we must needs go cat of the world, 1 Cor. v. 10. And as there was an anger to be avoided, so there was an anger that was allowable, and even duty re­quired that we should be angry, Eph. iv. 26. but so as avoid sin, Eccl. vii. 9. Thus Satan tempted me to pro­voke God, by aiming at things which were neither given of God, nor had I any reason to expect them, and thus to tempt God, by seeking stones to be made bread, Matth. iv. 3. or things not meet to be done: Like the Stoicks, I was not content to have the passions kept in their own order, but would have them eradicated. Thus the devil drives to extremes, and when we fail of success, he takes thence occasion to discourage [...]s. Again, 4. I still neglected some means of God's appoint­ment, [Page 115]under pretence of inconveniences and difficulties, and sometimes because irksome to the flesh; whereas these were oft-times the only proper means, that were o­mitted, or at least the principal in that case. The omis­sion of one thing ruins much, and our apologies and ex­ceses will not do, 1 Sam. xiii. 13, 15, 20, 22. Some particular sins require particular remedies: When God has appointed the use of these, and this is omitted, no wonder all others fail. When the disciples asked, where­fore they could not cast the devil out? our Lord told them, there were some kinds that went not out but by fasting and prayer, Mark ix. 28.29. Whenever any mean is appointed by God, when the case occurs wherein it is requisite, the remedy of God's appointment must be used, as we would reach the end. If there are supposed or real difficulties, yet while these difficulties are not our sin, we have reason to trust him as to these, and try the means. 5. I was often sinthful, and by dro [...]ness a man is cloathed with rags, Prov. xxiii. 21. and enemies m [...]y easily sow ta [...]es when men are asleep, Matth. xiii. 25.6. Above all, I was little acquaint with the way of saith's improvement of Christ for sanctification, and a trade with the throne of grace for supplies to help in time of need, John v. 40.7. I was sometimes not single in my aims; I designed to have a victory that would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness. I was weary of a sighting life, and would have been at case, and had too much of an eye unto this, and such like aims; and, belike, if I got leave to rest. I would have been too proud of my had success: Thus we ask and receive not, because are use amiss, to consume is on ear l [...]sts, James iv. 3.8. When I was not presently heard, I did not persevere in prayer for the supplies of grace that I sought. Luke xviii. 1. Thus I found oft, that so long as I was with the Lord, he was with me, 2 Chron xv. 2. They that want on the Lord shall renew their strength, Isa. xl. 31. But I was too soon over with it. And from these, and the like causes, did my want of success proceed.

5. Yet notwithstanding all these dreadful miscarriages on my part, the Lord, in the heat of this conflict, and even while I was many ways faulty, was very kind: 1. He [Page 116]kept me from giving quite over, though I fell, yet I was not quite cast down, Psal. xxxvii. 24.2. When I had many times gove furthest with temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and passing all my mis­carriages, he helped me up, let me see that he kept me from being quite overcome, and gave me some assurances for the future, Psal. lxxiii. 24. Thus foolish was I and ig [...]ant, I was at a beast before thee. Nevertheless I am continually with thee: Thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou wilt guide are by thy counsel and receive me to glory. 3. I had gracious experiences of the Lord's help­ing in the time of need, and hearing cries. The Lord sometimes stepped in when I was overcome, and sent as it were an Abigail, to keep me from executing my wicked purposes, 1 Sam. xxv. 32. sometimes be gave me a cleanly victory, and strengthened me to repel temptations: And ma­ny other ways did he help and deliver, Psal. cvi. 43.4. He sometimes, and even very frequently, when I was hard put to it, cleared up my sincerity, and gave me such views of it, as emboldened me to appeal to him, which freed me from that temptation, and lest me at liberty under the advantage of this new encouragement, to appose more vigorously; Psal. cxxxix. 21, 22. Do not I hate all them that hate thee? I hate them with a perfect hatred. I cou [...]t them mine enemies. And hereby I was not emboldened to sin; I durst not take encouragement to sin, because grace abounded, though motions were made this way by my naughty heart; but I was made more afraid of of­fending. These, and many other ways, was the Lord kind in the conflict: He frequently said to me, fear not; Surely there is an end, and thine expectation shall not be cut off, Prov. xxiii. 18. xxiv. 14.

6. The Lord has since let me see what gracious de­signs he carried on by this trial, and what need there was of it, in order both to his glory and my good:— 1. Hereby he taught me the nature of that state we are here in, that it is a wilderness, Cant. viii. 5. a warfare, 1 Cor. ix. 7.2. Cor. x. 4. and that we must all be sol­diers, if we mean to be Christians. 2. He taught me hereby, that the grace that is sufficient for us, 2 Cor. xii. 9. is not in our own hand, but in the Lord's; and [Page 117]that therefore our security with respect to future tempta­tions, is not in grace already received, but in this, that there is enough in the promise, and the way patent to the thro [...]e of grace for it, Heb. iv. 16.3. He taught me that God is the sovereign disposer, and gives out as he sees meet in time of need, ibid. his own grace, Eph. i [...]. 7. and he is the only judge of the proper season of giving it out. 4. He led me hereby to discern somewhat more of the covenant of grace, that in it there are no promis­es made of absolute freedom from sin while we are here; 1 John i. 8. If any man say, he has no sin, he is a liar: And that we have no promise of freedom from gross sins, and those sins wherein we have been formerly entangled, but in the use, and diligent use, of the means of the Lord's appointment. 2 Pet. i. 8. If these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ 5. Hereby he taught me that great lesson, that when I am w [...]ck in myself, then I am strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might, 2 Cor, xii. 10. Whenever I was diffident of myself, i was then always victorious, or at least came off without hazard: Which is very far different from what men generally think; that when a man is diffident, and dis­trests himself, that then he is not meet for managing any undertaking; and this is indeed true, when he is carnally diffident. But where there is a distrust of self, with an eye to the Lord, it is very far otherwise. 6. He hereby taught me the use and necessity, and glory of that pro­vision that is made by the covenant of grace for guilt; it writes all to us to dissuade from, and enable us against sin; but if any man sin, through the power of tempta­tion, it lets us see an advocate with the Father, and blood that cleanseth from all sin, I John iii. 3.7. He let me see his holy jealousy, and how displeased he was with me for my cleaving to sin so long, and sinful forbearance. Because I would not slay them as the Lord appointed me, and when he required it; therefore he left them like the nations of Canaan, Judges ii. 3. to tempt and try me. The sins that now molested me, and frequently cast me down, were those that I sought to spare before; God cried often to me to part with them, and I would not hear, and now God would not hear when I cried to be [Page 118]rid of them: Thou wast a God that forgavest their iniq [...] ­ties, but thou [...]okest vengeance of their inventions, Fsal. xcix. 8.8. The Lord by this did humble and prove, Deut. viii. 2. and let me see what was in my heart, even a great deal more wickedness than I suspected. 9. The Lord hereby instructed me that this is not my rest, Mich ii. 10, &c. and made me value heaven more than other­wise I would have done. 10. Hereby he discovered the riches and extent of that forgiveness that is with him, Psal. cxxx. 4.7. that it reaches to iniquity, transgr [...]ssion, and sin, Exod. xxxiv. 7. That is, sins of all sorts, mul­tiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to for­give to seventy times seven in a day, will not do less, Matth. xviii. 22. Yea, he tells us, that in this respect, his thoughts are as far above ours as the heavens are above the earth, Isa. Iv. 9. And finally. The Lord hereby fitted me to compassionate others who are tempted, and comfort them, 2 Cor. i. 4. Heb. ii. 18. Thus I was made a gainer by my losses and falls, to the praise of his grace.

7. After some years strungg [...]g, the Lord made me lay by all prejudices against proper means, and wait on him in the use of them all, with some eye to him, and then he gave me, in some measure, a victory: Thanks be to God who giveth us the victory, I Cor. xv. 57.

CHAP. V. Containing an account of my exercise about the guilt of sin, the means of obtaining pardon, and the intimations thereof.

1. THE power of indwelling sin being still great, and through its own activity, occasional temptations, more fixed advantages, and my own mistakes and negli­gence, frequently prevalent, I was cast into frequent per­plexities about its guilt, Psal. xxxviii. 3. There was no soundness in my bones, no rest in my conscience for sins that I had done.

2. Besides sins of infirmity, sometimes my corruptions did, through my sloth, neglect of proper means, and the advantages they otherwise had from temptations, and from their being rooted in my nature, bear me down, and car­ry [Page 119]me captive, prevail again [...]t me, and carry me not only into commission of grosser evils, at least in heart, and o­mission of duties, but even into frequently repeated re­lapses into these commissions and omissions; these being sins against light, engagements, obligations, intimations of love, the guilt of them was heavy upon my conscience, and I was much perplexed about it; my bones were broke [...], my conscience desiled exceedingly, and wounded for them.

3. At sometimes when I sell into such sins, when self and pride prevailed, or the like evils I was more deeply engaged against, obtained any notable advantage, I was, by the deceitfulness of sin, for a time hardened. Heb. iii. 13. and insensible, like David after his soul fall. But then, 1. While it was so, grace languished, the things that remained were ready to die, Rev. ii. 1.2. The Lord hid himself, I had no countenance in duty: while this re­gard to sin continued, all was out of order, Psal. lxvi. 18.

4. At other times, I had no sooner complied but my heart instantly soute me, i Sam. xxiv. 5. and I was pre­sently, with Pater after his fall, March. xxvi. 75. called and stirred up to the exercise of repentance, and enquiries after forgiveness. But sooner or later the Lord awakened me out of this security, and set my sins in order, some­times by one mean, and sometimes by another, before mine eyes. I. Sometimes he trysted me with some out­ward affliction, and hid himself, and then I was put un­der a blessed necessity of seeking after him, and enquiring into the reason of his withdrawing, and laying his hand on me. When I was bonned in the cords of affliction, he shewed to me my transgressions that I had exceeded, Job xxxvi. 8, 9. I will go and return to my place, till they ac­knowledge their offence, and seek my face: in their affliction they will seek me early, Hos. v. 15.2. He sometimes remarkably punished me, and wrote my sin upon my pu­nishment, Rom. ii. 21, &c. Because when I knew God, I glorified him not as God, neither was thankful: but became vain in my imaginations: therefore God, though he gave me not up (glory to his name) to vile affections, yet he let them loose to molest me. He as it were gave a com­mission to the king of Egypt, Assyria, or Babyl [...], Ezek. xxiii. 9. some of my powerful neighbouring enemies, evils [Page 120]to whom I had formerly been in bondage, with whom I had been in friendship, on whom to say [...]ounding I had doated, and therefore now hared above als [...], to some one or other, or [...]ie may be more, gave he [...] com­mission or pertrission to invade me; and then I began 19 c [...]sider what I had d [...]te, and open name eyes when I was in the [...]rait, and clolely a [...]a [...]lted by then. 3. Some­times again, and most frequently, by his word and spirit in ordinances, he roused me, and laying as it were his singer on the sore, he tol [...] me all that I ha [...]d do [...]e: He sent a N [...]th [...], that told, Thus art the man, a Sam. xii 7. Whoever gets away with [...], his own will not get leave to lie still, though they on [...]y lie long in it: Im only have I known of all the families of the earth; thr [...]ef [...]e I will punish you for all your iniquities, A [...]os iii. a.

5. When the Lord discovered sin to me, then was my soul troubled—1. A sense of the wrath of God was let in­to my conscience, which at sometimes was very terrible. I had no rest because his indig [...]ti [...]e went forth again [...]t me, Psal. cii. 10. Jer. xv. 17. The pois [...] of his arrow dr [...]nk up my spirits, Job vi. 4.2. My soul was filled with shame, while a sense of ino [...]metable evil [...], and especially such as imported ingratitude and wretched unkinde [...]f [...], [...]ay heavy on my conscience, I could not look up for blothing, Psal. xl. 12. I lay down in my sh [...]me, and my cons [...]s [...] c [...]vered me, ser. iii. 25.3. I was cast into dreadful sears, left the Lord in anger shut up his tender mercies, and be gracious no more, Psal. lxxvii. 8, 9. and I should not get pardon, or at least a sense of it, any more.

6. Satan, who waited for my halting, finding me in this case, did frequently tempt me to give over duty— 1. He told me over all the marks of God's displeasure, and put the worst construction on every thing, as he did with Cain, Gen. iv. 14.2. He hereon tempted me to draw his conclusion, That my sin was greater than it could be forgiven, and that so there was no sacc [...]ar in God for me, ver. 13. And 3. Hereon he told me, there was no more forgiveness, God's mercy was at an end, he had for­gotten to be gracious, and attempted to prove it by the un­successfulness of my endeavours, and thorefore inferred, that it was to no purpose to wait any longer, a Kings vi. 33.

[Page 121] 7. But the Lord graciously broke the force of this temp­tation— 1. Sometimes by saro [...] discoveries of forgiveness Who can tell but he may be gracious? 2 Sam. xii. 22.2. By reminding [...]e of sormer kindness, the ‘years of the right hand of the most High,’ Psal. ixxvii. 10. and the discoveries of the sovereignty of his grace, at first when he manifested himself. 3. By letting me see the desperate issue of this course, that ruin was inevitable in it; if I sat still, I saw I was goes; if I went into the [...], and again followed the course of the world, I saw interi­table ruin there, and therefore I resolved to throw my­self upon him, and it be saved me alive, I lived; and if otherwise, I should bal die, 2 Kings vii. 4. Job xiii. 15.4. When this temptation was urged most violently, and I was hard put to it, then I thought it not time to dispute, whether ever the Lord had manifested himself savingly, but yie [...]ed the worst as to my case that the tempter could pretend, and then I laid my case in all aggravatiors to the extensive promises of the covenant. Be it granted, said I, that I and but a hypocrite, that I never obtained pardon, that I am the chief of sinners, that my sins have such aggravations, as those of none other of mankind's sins are attended withal; yet ‘the blood of Christ cleans­eth from all fin,’ and he ‘came to save the chief of sin­ners,’ 1 John i. 7. 1 Tine. i. 15. This way proved ost relieving.

8. When I had got over these temptations, then I go: up as I could, and resolved to seek him in the use of all duties of his appointment, meditation, prayer, reading, hearing. These duties I followed with various success. For, 1. Some [...]imes when I essayed to confess my sins, the Lord closed my lips, and I had not a word to say, Psal. li. 15.2. Sometimes I got leave to run the round of duties; but with the spouie her success, ‘I sought him, but I found him not,’ Cant, iii. 1. Agaic, 3. At other times I met with new strokes; ‘The watchmen that went about the city sound me and smote me, and took away my vail,’ Cant. v. 7. even the faithful servants of Christ made my wound deeper, by setring home sin more closely.

9. At sometimes being outwearied, and sense wearing off, through the weakness of our nature, diversions, are [Page 122]the deceitfulness of sin, I attempted to speak peace to myself, I got a fort of quietness and relief. But this was easily discernible. For, 1. It left me in my former deadness, and I was not as before when God spake peace, Ezek. xiii. 10. Jer. viii. 11.2. I was easily induced to 'return again to folly,' Psal. xxxv. 8.3. When I said, 'Peace, peace, sudden destruction' followed it, 1 Thess, v. 3. For the Lord was wroth, and one way or other dis [...]vered his displeasure against me; and finally my own peace did not heal the sore, for the wrath of God, shame, and confusion hovered over my head.

10. When the Lord let me see my mistake, then he set me a-work again to enquire after him, and to pursue the former course, and when I had gone a little further, I found him. Cant. iii. 4. and he relieved me, and the way whereby he relieved me was the same with that whereby he at first did deliver me, whereof before I have given account, and therefore I shall here represent it on­ly more briefly—I. The Lord set my sin in all its ag­gravations, especially as it struck against him, before mine eyes. ‘Against thee, thee only have I sinned, and in thy fight done this ill,’ Psal. li, 4.2. The Lord led me up even to the fountain, and discovered original sin as the source, and all, at least many, of the other bit­ter waters that flowed from that bitter fountain, by the light whereby he discovered this one; he (as it was with the woman of Samaria) ‘told me all that ever I did in my life,’ John iv. 29. ‘Behold I was shapen in ini­quity: and in sin did my mother conceive me,’ Psal. li. 5.3. Very oft he laid before me, and brought me under an afflicting sense, even of ‘the iniquities of my fathers,’ Lev. xxvi. 40. Ezra ix. 7. and predecessors whom I never knew. 4. He cut off all excuses, and made me self-convicted, and so stopped my mouth quite, that I could neither deny nor excuse, and so I was guilty be­fore God, Rom. iii. 19. being stripped of all my ornaments, Exod. xxxiii. 5, 6.5. He discovered to me, what in justice he might do, and that he might cast me off, and out of his sight, like Cain, and brought me to own, that he would be righteous, holy, and clear in judging hus, Psal. li. 8. and that any punishment on this side [Page 123]hell, would be mercy, Lam. iii. 22.6. In this case I lay waiting to see what he would do with me, convinced that whatever he should do, though I could not but dread wrath and separation from him, and cry against it, yet I owned all would be just. To the Lord belongs righteous­ness, and to me shame and confusion of face, Dan. ix. 7.7. Then in mercy he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of the ‘fountain opened for sin and unclean­ness,’ Zech. xiii. 1. and that blood of atonement that cleanses the conscience from all sin, 1 John i. 7. in the sight of the Lord. 8. Hereby he drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress on it: ‘Iniquities prevail against me I must confess: But as for our transgres­sions, thou wilt purge them away,’ Psal. lxv. 3.9. Ha­ving by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked at him my soul melted in tears, and my heart that was formerly bound up was loosed, Zech. xii. 10. and my lips, formerly sometimes quite closed, were opened, Psal. li. 15. When I looked on him whom I had pierced I mourned, and oft, like Peter, I wept bit­terly, Luke xxii. 62. Whereas before, when I was lying self-condemned, guilty, and my mouth stepped, I some­times could scarce look up, or give a sigh or a groan, now I flowed in tears. 10. While he thus answered me, Job ix. 16. and I seemed shy of believing the news that were so good, and so unexpected, he created peace by the fruit of his lips, Isa. lvii. 19. by the word, and as it were forced it upon my soul, and shed abroad his love in my heart, Rom. v. 5.11. Hereon I remembered all my for­mer ways, which the Lord had formerly discovered to me, and was ashamed for them, and even confounded, now when the Lord was pacified, Ezek. xvi. 61, 63. When he told me, he would blot out and forget, then I had the most distinct and affecting remembrance, Jer. xxxi. 19. Like Ephraim, when ‘I was turned, I repented, I somte on my breast, I was ashamed, and even confound­ed, because I bare the reproach of my youth,’ and of my former ways. But this shame was not that dispiriting shame accompanied with distrust, and inclining to hang down the hands; but an ingenuous concern, and blushing for wretched unkindness, like that of the prodigal when his [Page 124]father met him. 12. Hereby my spirit was made ten­der, and I was put upon a resolution of walking mourn­fully before him in the bitterness of my soul, Isa. xxxviii. 15.13. Hereafter, while this discovery of forgiveness and peace by it continued, I was made in some measure watch­ful of returning again to f [...]lly, Psal. lxxxv. 8.14. I was quickened to duty, Psal. li. 13. ‘Then will I teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners shall be turned unto thee.’ 15. While this lasted, and was not ma [...]d by sin again, the sins of others, and every provocation by whomsoever done, I could mo [...]n [...]er it. R [...]rs of tears were ready to run d [...] wins eyes, because [...] ­sor [...] keps [...] God's law, Psal. cxix. 136.16. Here­on the conscience being p [...]rged, I now recovered that f [...]lial boldness of entering into the Lord's presence by the blood of Jesus Christ, Heb. x. 19.22. Yet with much tenderness and awe upon my soul, Isa. xxxiii. 15.16.19. Finally, hereby my soul was much weaned from all things [...]ise, and endeared to the Lord. To this case the Lord frequently brought me. And now, alas! while I [...] rarely attain unto this exercise of repentance and saith in such liveliness, as then I ofs did, I am made many times to wish, as to this repentance, that it were with me a [...] [...]ths post, Joh xxix. 3. though I dare not to wish for the occanon of it again. At that time, when I was assaulted with boisterous lasts, and soiled by them, and my conscience defiled with guilt, the Lord did frequently lift me up, yea lift me sweetly up.

11. To prevent mistakes, I shall subjoin a sew chser­vations concerning this exercise. 1. Though at some­times the Lord carried on this work gradually, even as to time; yet at [...]ther seasons, all this was done, as it were at once, and in a moment. The Lord, as he did to David, in one breathing speaking sin and peace, Sam. xii. 7, 13.2. There was a very great difference as to the degrees of this work, sometimes convictions and bun itia­tion was deeper, and discoveries of forgiveness clearer, and the exercise of faith and repentance more lively, and sometimes less so, Jude 22. But whenever God did tho­roughly rècover from any grievous fall, all these things in substance were found, Isa. xxviii. 27.3. This was [Page 125]not always of a like continuance; sometimes, through my own fault, I quickly lo [...] the jewel: And provoked him at the Red-sea, Psal. cvi. 7.4. Though God, to punish me for my wickedness, sometimes let me seek peace long before I got it; yet at some seasons, to shew the sove­reignty of his grace, and that I might [...]t pretend, that it was my secking that moved him to [...]ew mercy, he surprised me immediately upon the back of my [...], be­fore ever I had thought in the least what I had done, and gave me such a [...], as made me weep bitterly, Luke xxii. 62. And when it was thus, it deeply affected my soul, and filled me with the most deep self-loathing and detes­tation, and the highest wonder at the rickes, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of grace. 5. There [...] one thing I may observe with grief of heart, that the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. At that time I was attacked with sins that were easily known to be sins, my conscience was easily convinced of them, and aiar [...]ed with them and thereby was more deeply exercised and sought more after distinct discoveries of forgiveness, which were attended with all these pleasant effects; since that the Lord in some measure broke these lusts, I have been assaulted with less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties, and these secretly devour my strength, and rarely and difficultly are they discovered in their ex­ceeding sinfulness, and so when it is much needed, I am more a dranger to that state of repentance. But as I see I need it, so the Lord knows I long to be brought into it, and to be humbled, especially for secret and hidden sins that wasted the strength. Oft have I been made to think of this, that all the excuses mentioned in the para­ble of the supper, that kept them that were invited from closing with the offer, were taken from occasions in them­selves lawful, Matth. xxii. 5. And no doubt, the excuses whereby the Lord's own people are kept from that near­ness, that it is their duty and interest to seek after, flow from the same things: I have found them far the more dangerous and hurtful hindrances.

12. The Lord, by such exercises, instructed me since, and at the time, in several useful lessons—1. The Lord this way taught me how to walk with him. He dealt [Page 126]with me as we are wont to do with children, he held me by the hand, he let me well nigh slip, Psal. xciv. 18. and sometimes fall, and this to let me know I was not able to go alone; and then he graciously raised me up, and comforted me, that I should not by this be altogether discouraged from walking in his way, Hos. xi. 3, 4. ‘I taught Ephraim also to go, taking them by their arms, but they knew not that I healed them; I drew them with the cords of a man, and with bands of love. And I was to them as they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them.’ 2. As the Lord, by the prevalency of sin, taught the necessity of an ex­tensive remedy, so by the experience of forgiveness, in such cases as I have mentioned, he taught the certainty of this, that this forgiveness is really as extensive, rich and free, as the case requires, Psal. xxxii. 5.3. He, by the experience of this, enabled me to understand better, and speak more feelingly of these truths, than otherwise I could have done, and to comfort others with comforts, not only real, but experienced, even such wherewith I my­self had been comforted of God, 2 Cor. i. 4. Thus what I have heard and seen, and handled, of the word of life, that declared I to others, 1 John i. 1.4 The Lord gave some acquaintnance with the nature, exercise, and effects of the most useful and necessary graces of his Spirit, fai [...]h, repentance, &c. And finally, The Lord beat down self very much by this exercise. Of this design the Lord, of late, while I read in my family in the 9th chapter of Denteronomy, gave me a pleasant view, which I shall re­present in the following remarks from that chapter.

• 1. God's great design upon Israel, is to manifest the glory of his grace, mercy, patience, and faithfulness, in their salvation, their deliverance from Egypt, and put­ting them in possession of Canaan, see ver. 5, 6.
• 2. Naturally sinners, as all his people are such, are, and appear very opposite to this design, being deeply sel­fish, as the whole of this chapter, and the scriptures ma­nifest. And this self has two branches, which are like its two eyes, self strength, and self-righteousness, ver. 1, 2. and ver. 5.6.
• 3. Self in these two branches is very strong. We are [Page 127]ready to pretend, that our own strength carried us through difficulties, when once we have overcome them, which we were so far from being able of ourselves to grapple with, that the very thoughts of them frighted us, com­pare ver. 1, 2. of this chapter, with the 13th and 14th chapters of Numbers. And we are ready to ascribe to our own righteousness what we get, when we, meanwhile, are not worthy of the least of all God's mercies, ver. 5, 6, &c.
• 4. Yet how strong soever these are, they must be sub­dued. In order thereto, the Lord, after he begins to ma­nifest himself to his people, leads them not presently into Canaan; but carries them through the wilderness, where a variety of temptations draw out discoveries of their se­cret corruptions, their weakness and wickedness, see ver. 6, 7.
• 5. The discoveries of God's patience, mercy and grace, and of his people's weakness and wickedness, especially after remarkable manifestations of [...]e Lord, are means which the Lord makes use of, and remarkably blefies, to cure them of these distempers, and put out these two eyes of the wicked idol: Consider the whole chapter.
• 6. The Lord, for this end, whenever he is about to complete, or carry on the begun deliverance and mercy, revives the impression of these things. Read the whole chapter, particularly ver. 7.

Many other gracious designs did the Lord in this way carry on, he let me see the bitterness of sin, and disco­vered it to be exceeding sinful; he let me see much of the hellish ingratitude of my heart, he let me see the ne­cessity of coming daily to the throne of grace, as for grace to help in time of need, so for mercy and forgiveness. He made me see with wonder, how one view of forgive­ness and pardoning mercy alienates the soul more from sin, than twenty sights, nay tastes of hell, (which Pela­gians cannot understand): And many other things.

13. Besides these more gross evils I fell into, through the violence of temptation, I was exercised about the guilt of sins of daily incursion and infirmity, deadness, wan­dering in duty, and innumerable others. When I began to be first exercised about forgiveness, I was much diffi­culted [Page 128]about these; and I shall, in the following particu­lars, represent my exercise about them: 1. When the Lord manifested himself, his enemies fled before him, Psal. lxviii. 1. and received a stunning stroke, as has been shewed. 2. It was sometime before any of the stronger enemies discovered themselves again, presumptu­ous sins for a time, as has been represented, kept quiet. The first discoveries of the remaining power of indwel­ling sin which I got, was in the invasions of sin of daily infirmity: 'For in many things we offend all,' James iii. 2.3. Hereon I began to be much discouraged, nei­ther understanding well our state here, that if any man say, He has no sin, he deceives himself, 1 John i. 8. and the gracious provision made for this case in the covenant of grace, the daily sacrifice, that is, the daily application to the throne of grace, the blood of atonement, the fountain opened, Psal. xxx. 6. And so being under a fond and groundless expectation of entire freedom from sin. 4. My foolish expectation being quickly disappoint­ed by the outbreaking of these sins, I wist not what to do: I thought it hard to trouble him who had been so kind, to seek new favours, lia. vii. 13. The pride of my heart could not stoop to be continually, daily, hour­ly beholden for new favours: I would have been a lord, and come no more to Christ, Jer. ii. 31. This pride was so masked up, that at that time I did not discern it; but since the Lord has made it manifest. 5. But necessity has no law: they grew many; ‘For who can understand his errors?’ Psal. xix. 12. and the light of the Lord daily discovered more and more of them. 6. Hereon I essay­ed to humble myself distinctly for every one of them, and to make a distinct application to the throne of grace about each; but when I began to observe them, they were so many, that if I had followed this course, my whole time would not have sufficed: Hereon the Lord led me to that course, which a worthy friend, to whom I owe much for a distinct understanding of the Lord's work with me, told me what Franciscus De Sales, a popish casuist, ad­vises to in this case—I was fain to take them all in the ump, or rather to go with them all on me at once, and plunge myself into the fountain that is opened for sin and [Page 129]for uncleanness, that is, I took a view of myself as defiled by innumerable evils of this sort, and under a sense of them, cast myself upon the glorious atonement, and en­deavoured to lay stress for cleansing as to them all, whe­ther such as I ciscerned distinctly, or such as I had not yet discovered, on that blood that cleanseth from all sin; which I think was the Psalmist's way under the like case, Psal. xix. 12, 13. ‘Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins, let them not have domi­nion over me. Then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.’ That Popish casuist before mentioned, as my worthy friend told me, illustrates this by a very elegant similitude, ‘If a man see one or two filthy creatures on him he shakes or washes them off: But if he look and see him­self all overspread with such, then he must bethink himself of some general course, he goes to some bridge, and leaps into a deep pool, and drowns them all, and leaves them behind him.’ If any one grosser sin o­vertake us, we must endeavour a distinct recovery and intimation of pardon by a distinct application to the blood of sprinkling: But when we look upon these sins which cannot be numbered and searched out, and which are still growing, then we must betake ourselves with the man to the bridge, and leap into the pool. 7. To clear this mat­ter yet further, I observe, that the light wherein that plenteous redempton that is with God, was first discover­ed, though variously clouded and darkened, yet continu­ed in some measure: A child of light continues light in the Lord; he may walk in darkness, and to his sense have no light, Eph. v. 8. Isa. l. 10. while yet it is the remain­der of light that makes him discern his darkness, but he really is not darkness as before: He has his summer's sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his win­ter's sun, that shines shorter, is more frequently clouded, and has less heat: He has his fair days and foul and rainy days, and a changeable intercourse of day and night, wherein he has only the moon and stars; but light more or less there is still. 8. When no extraordinary indispo­sition, no extraordinary darkness was on me, this habitu­al [Page 130]discovery of forgiveness, and the way to it, had its own use. The winter's sun was not able to revive when I was cast into any of those distempers above-mentioned; and therefore, as has been above-narrared, in that case, I waited a blink of the sen in its strength; but for or­dinary, I by the direction of that light did endeavour daily, as to fins of infirmity, to betake myself in prayer to the blood of atonement, according as the Lord has taught us by the daily morning and evening sacrifice un­der the law: As for particular cases and pollutions, there were other institutions with respect to them. 9. This ap­plication by prayer to the redemption that is in Christ, even the forgiveness of sin through saith in his blood, Rom. iii. 25. according to this discovery of it, in and by prayer, especially when the Lord quickened by any new blink; (for the winter sun has his warm and refreshing blinks, even in the coldest season): this application, I say, espe­cially when the Lord, as he frequently did, gave any new breathing, did relieve me, and help to quiet my conscience as to the afflicting sense of these sins of daily incursion: When the helped to pray for cleansing from secret sins, and keep back from presumptuous sins, Psal. xix. 12.13. I was satisfied as to my uprightness and freedom from the great transgression, and acceptance with him in following any duty of my station, through the beloved. 10. As the case was not so urgent, so neither was the outgate so dis­cernible: but it was sufficient to answer in some measure the end above-mentioned, freedom from dispiriting dis­couragement, and some measure of comfort and quiet as to my acceptance with God through Christ.

I conclude with four observations as to the whole: 1. Though we may sometimes heal our own wound slight­ly, yet it is God's prerogative to speak solid peace, Isa lvii. 19. yea, and the speaking of it is a work of the greatest power, where the conscience is really exercised; it is a creating peace, and where he creates it, he can make it take effect, Job xxiv. 29. When he giveth quietness, who then can make trouble? and when he hideth his face, who then can behold him? Whether it be done against a nation or against a man only. 2. The Lord let me see, that con­sidering the pride and unbelief of our hearts, and the [Page 131]greatness of our guilt, it is not easy to win to believe that the forgiveness that is with God is able to answer all we need, and so to engage a sinner to betake himself unto it at all times, when once he comes to see his case throughly; and when his unbelief is in some measure [...]s­tered, and the soul satisfied of the fulness of the fountain, and extensive, nay, infinite reach of the forgiveness that is with God, and the pride of heart so far broken, that the soul is willing to be daily beholden to grace and mer­cy, it is not easy to keep up either a due detestation of sin, or keep our carnal hearts from a common use of it, or rather an abuse of it: Here, in my opinion, lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with God; to come daily and wash, and yet to keep as great a value for this disco­very of forgiveness, as if it were once only to be got and no more: Indeed the more we see of it, the more we should value it; but our carnal hearts, on the contrary, tern formal, and count it a common thing. That which is out daily allowance we value little, and we are fo [...]d of novelties and dainties: Bread is more precious than most, nay, any of the rarities which men purchase at so dear a rate; but because God has provided i [...] in plenty, and we daily use it, therefore we make a light account of it: Blessed are they with whom it is otherwise in the case now in hand. 3. I observe, that the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained when we walk tenderly and cir­cumspectly; it is inconsistent not only with the enter­tainment of any gross sin, [...] with a careless walk: Then had the churches rest throughout all Judea, and G [...]ce, and Sanaria, and were edified, walking in the fear of the Lord, and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost, &c. Acts IX. 32.4. I observe, then when I was as the lowest ebo, as to forgiveness, doubting if the Lord would pardon, after many duties have been essayed without finding the Lord, or any sense of his love, I have oft found him in the du­ty of thankfulness: And whereas one will say, What had I then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus, What a mercy is it that I am out of hell? Lam. iii. 21, 22. It is of the Lord's mercies I am not consumed; blessed be the Lord for this. Again, What a mercy is it, that not on­ly [Page 132]the Lord has helped me to notice his mercy in keep­ing me out of hell, but to be thankful for it? Again, Blessed be the Lord that has kept me out of hell, blessed be the Lord that has made me observe it with thankful­ness, and blessed be the Lord that has made me observe his mercy in helping me to thankfulness: Thus I have gone on till the Lord has led me to a sense of his love, and restored comforts to my soul: They that will praise the Lord for little, shall have more, Psal. lxvii. 5, 6. Let the people praise thee, O God: let all the people praise thee. Then shall the earth yield her increase, and God, then our own God shall bless us.

Upon a further observation of this variety of cases wherewith I was exercised, the Lord's management of them, and what I have felt in myself, I see, besides the fruits before-mentioned, many others. 1. The Lord hereby rebuked me for my fondness of enlargement, and my thinking to live a life of sense, and trained me some­what up to a life of faith, the faith of adherence, that cleaves to God as revealed in the word, and refuses to quit the word even when it finds not the Lord in it, in a sensible way that refreshes, which certainly is more strong than that which cleaves to it when it feels sensible refreshment and power: to trust in God when hiding and threatening to stay, Job xiii. 15. is to hope against hope. 2. He taught me not to judge of my state by my frames; beside many other lessons that now occur not.

CHAP. VI. Recounting my exercise about the being of God, and so [...]wing the way of my outgate from this temptation.

1. I Have before mentioned, and given some account of my trials about the being of God. Being now to give an account of the relief, it will be proper to re­capitulate briefly my whole exercise with respect unto this head, and set the temptation and the relief together.

2. I have shewed above, that I was early, even as soon almost as I began to have any close concern about reli­gion, [Page 133]exercised with temptations in reference to this great and fundamental truth. But at first I had no arguments urged against this truth, or injected into my mind. On­ly being made to see, that this was the hinge whereon the whole of religion turns, all hopes depend, and by which all practices were to be regulate, I found myself at a loss for want of an evidence, sufficiently clear and strong, and convincing, which I thought necessary, with respect to a truth whereon so much weight was to be laid. In a word, I was at Pharaob's pass, Exod. v. 2. Who is the Lord that I should obey him, and let Israel go? Plainly, very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things, and before I trust so far, I would be satisfied to know more of that God in whom I am to trust, as to so great things.

3. But afterwards Satan attacked me by subtile injec­tions, as I have shewed before, took me at a disadvan­tage, when I was estranged from God, and my head intent upon abstract subtilities, and while I followed such vain speculations, intruding into things I had not seen, he took his opportunity, and said daily, Where is thy God? Psalm xlii. 3, 10. And when he had got me down, he triumphed, where is now that mouth, with which thou didst all along reproach Atheists? Such are their arguments, try your strength with them, and fight them, Judg. ix. 38.

4. Hereon a sharp conflict began to be managed in my breast. On the one hand, Satan, in conjunction with the natural atheism of my heart, plied me hard with fiery dares, Eph. vi. 16. and subtile sophistry, arguments sometimes astonishing, so far were they above my reach. On the other hand, I, a poor apostate creature, sadly dark­ened, but yet retaining some remainders of light, which God has made manifest in my conscience, Rom i. 19. as in these of other men, and somewhat confirmed in those notions of God by education, the outward dispensation of the word, and it may be, by some common work of the Spirit, riveting all the former, keeping alive these impressions, or at least restraining Satan and my corrup­tions from blotting them out. Against that formidable [Page 134]confederacy, I, such a one as I have now represented my­self, made head, and ap [...]ea [...]ed.

5. In this conflict, I used various ways: 1. I some­times rejected the suggestions, and refused them a hea­ring, Who art th [...]n soul [...], or disputed against God? Rom. ix. 20. It shocks nature's light to say, Psalm xiv. 1. There is no God. Even the [...] dare scarce say it out. 2. Sometimes I prevented them as it were, and not only refused an hearing, but representing in my own soul how deep resentment such a provocation, such a mo­tion deserved. If any man will plead against God, or for Baal, none shall intreat for him, but he should ear­ly be pat to death, Judg. vi. 31.3. When the impudent enemy would not thus be put [...]f, I essayed to maintain the truth, and answer his argument. But his instances were so many, and so subtile, that I could not prevail this way; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was put in the greater loss, Rev. xii. 9. When he comes in spea­king terms, he is too hard for us; and no wonder he be so for us, he worsted our sirit parents in innocence. 4 When I found this, then I oft would wish for a discovery of God himself. O that he would appear, and O that I knew where I might find him, Job xxiii. 2. when my wishes took no effect. 5. The devil hereon took advan­tage to tell me, that he did not appear, and that surely, if there was a God, he would help one that was standing up for him in such a strait, Psalm xxii. 6. In this case, I sometimes hoped that he would arise, and then mine enemies would be made to flee before him: Though the truth is, I could but give little reason for it. 6. Some­times I prayed. Satan urged me with the unreasonable­ness of praying, till I was once sure there was a God. And I confess I was sometimes hardly put to it, to defend the practice; yet I always inclined to the affirmative, and thought, that it there was a God, as I durst not say but I had reason to think there was, he could best satisfy me as to his own being, 2 Kings xix. 10.7. I was some­times obliged to flee him, and seek sanctuary in diversions. 6. Sometimes the Lord mercifully restrained him, and be lest me for a season.

[Page 135] 6. While this trial was lengthened out, the Lord gave frequently some checks to it, and to Satan. I. By clear discoveries of the horrible tendency of the temptations, that they tended to [...] the fis [...]tires of all human happiness, Psalm lxxiii. 15. cat reproach upon all the best and wis [...]t of the world, and account, and set up as the only happy and wise men, pr [...]d fools, [...]al. iii. 15. If the s [...]ndei [...] are [...] the right [...] h [...]e? Psalm xi. 3. Then are the proud happy, and [...]ey that hate God are ex [...]ted. 2. I was relieved by the consideration of the comfortable [...] c [...]ers had got, who had been in like manner exercited. Psalm xxix. 4.5. Our fathers trusted i [...] God, they trusted in God and were b [...]d. 3. God sometimes let me see some glimp­ses of his glory, even in the works of creation: The [...] declare his glory, Psalm xix. 1.1. The Lord sometimes, from the word, re [...]ered me by some beans of his glory. And I remember I was oftener not once helped by the Lord's suggesting with [...]sual power, the three children's answer to the king of Babylon, with the glorious issue; O [...] we are [...] careful to answer thee in this matter. If it bes [...], our God whe [...] we serve, is able to deliver as from the bur [...]ing fiery sur­ [...]ace and be will deliver us out of three band. But if not be it [...]now [...] [...], O king, that we will not serve say gods, nor worship the [...]lden [...] which then husl set up, [...]n. iii. 16, 17. There was something indeed here, that I could not reach: but my heart was affected with the noble resolution, and encouraged to attempt, weakly as I could, to write after their copy: and the issue was encouraging. 5. The devil in these temptations acted so visible a part, that I could not but discern that there was a devil: And when I saw him to deeply engaged in this quarrel, I was strongly induced to think be was not [...] against a straw, or to [...]u [...] a shadow,: Sam. xxiv. 14.6. When the Lord began to deal with me closely about sin, the edge of this temptation was much [...] could not easily [...] in persuading there was no God, while I found his arrows slick soft in me, and the p [...]son of them drinking up my spirits, Ju [...] vi. 4.

[Page 136] 7. But yet I was not fully relieved. Nothing but a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan, Zech. iii. 2, Wherefore the Lord at length pitied me; not in the way that I could have desired; for I would have had it then. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy, and I could not have thus seen him and lived, Exod. xxxiii. 10. Such an appearance would indeed have made me believe and tremble, James ii. 19. But this would have cast me into new trouble. Wherefore the Lord led me to right satisfaction another way: He discovered sin in the way above mentioned, and by this discovery, as I have now hinted, diverted the violence of this temptation, and broke its force, as has been above hinted: For be stays his rough wind in the day of his east wind, Isa. xxvii. 8. And having thus humbled me, he gave me the above mentioned discovery of himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.

8. That then which brought me to a soul satisfying assent, and repelled all temptations against the being of a God, was the above-mentioned view of him in his glory, 2 Cor. iv. 6. While God who commanded the light to shine [...] of darkness, by his word and Spirit shining into my mind, to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. I could not desiderate any more satisfying evidence of his being. And while that light did shine, or when at any time it does shine, Satan then dares not oppose. All the mountains of op­position, the bulky arguments, that appeared like rocks and hills, shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. And now the light being come, I John ii. 8. and the Lord being seen in his own light, I had manifold and satisfying evidences of this glorious truth.

8. That then which brought me to a soul satisfying assent, and repelled all temptations against the being of a God, was the above-mentioned view of him in his glory, 2 Cor. iv. 6. While God who commanded the light to shine [...] of darkness, by his word and Spirit shining inte my mind, to give me the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. I could not desiderate any more satisfying evidence of his being. And while that light did shine, or when at any time it does shine, Satan then dares not oppose. All the mountains of op­position, the bulky arguments, that appeared like rocks and hills, shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. And now the light being come, I John ii. 8. and the Lord being seen in his own light, I had manifold and satisfying evidences of this glorious truth.

1. I-had the evidence of sight, not by the eye of the body, but by that of faith; I saw the glory of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre, that satisfied me it was truth, and no lie, 2 Cor. iii. 18. The glory was so great, that it not only let me see, and convinced me of its reality, but really convinced me in some measure, that nothing else is real. This sight gave [Page 137]me more consistent, God-becoming notions of him, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, which shook the foundation of many of my former seruples, that proceeded only from my ignorance and darkness about the nature of God.

2. I had the evidence of the ears, for I heard him speak, not to my bodily ears, but to my soul; and his voice did sufficiently distinguish [...]self from the voice of any crea­tare. For, first, he spoke terror to me from Sinai, Heb. xii. 19. and then when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said, Peace, be still; and with authority com­manded he the winds and the sea, and they obeyed, and presently there was a cain, Mark iv. 33. His word en­lightened mine eyes, and converted my soul. It was a powerful voice that came from the Lord most high, Psal. xxix. 4. The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul. The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the sim­ple. The statu [...]es of the Lord are right rejoicing the heart. The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes, Psal. xix. 7, 8.

3. I had likewise a seeling of his power. I not only heard his voice, but I se [...]t his power casting me down, and raining me up again, Psal. cii. 10. and sawing to one that was weak, Be strong, Ls [...]. xxxv. 4. Psal. Ixviii. 28. yea, and commanding strength. Thus my saith flood not in the wisdom of man, but in the power of God, 1 Cor. ii. 5. I have before told what of his power I felt, what effects were wrought, and so here I forbear any further account.

4. I was now made to taste and see that the Lord is good, and that tho-Joul that trusts in him is bl [...]ss [...]d, Psal. xxxvi. 8. I sat down under his [...], and the s [...] above-men­tioned were sweet to my [...]aste. Cant. ii. 3.

5. I was made to seel the savour, and rel [...]h a fragrant sweetness in his word, works, and ways. His name was as o [...]tment. scured forth, and therefore I l [...]d him, Cant, i. 3.

6. Hereby all my objections were solved, Hcb. xi. 1. Faith is the evidence of things not seen; it not only-satisfied the soul about them by the clearest evidence, but it re­proves contrary objections, Psal. xviii. 12. At the bright­ness that was before him, the dark cl [...]ds passed away. My [Page 138]objections now were like those kings mentioned by the Psalmist, who had come in a combination to ruin the church, but were frighted by God's appearing, Psal. xlviii. 4.5.6. Lo the kings were assembled, they passed together. They saw it, and so they marvelled, they were troubled, and hast­ed away. Fear took hold upon them there, and pains as of a woman in travail. Just so was it with my adversaries; faith (as the word rendered evidence, Heb. xi. 1. signifies) reproved them, and at this rebuke they fled. For, 1. If they should now say, Where is thy God? I was ready to­reply, Lo this God is our God, we have waited for him, and be will save us; we have waited for him, and will be glad in his salvation, Isa. xxv. 9.2. If they shoald now object the sceming inconsistency of his attributes, which was oft made use of to trouble me, I had an an­swer given, a word put in my mouth. At the same time God condescended to shew me his back parts, h [...]tisfied me, that no man could behold his face, Exod.xxxiii. 3. He by the discovery gave ma a view of his incomprehensibi­lity, sufficient to silence all these; Job xi. 7. Caust th [...] by searching find out God? Can [...]t thou find out the Almigh­ty unto perfection? Our short line cannot measure God. 3. When the seeming contusion and disorders in his go­vernment were urged, I now had wherewith to answer all these, Job xxxiii. 13. He gives an account of none of his matters, Psal. lxxvii. 19. His way is in the sea, and his paths in the great waters: His footsteps are not known. Yet though clouds und darkness are round about him, righ­teousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne, Psal. xcvii. 2.4. The Lord really cleared many particular objections as to all these heads, and by this discovery of himself in the sanctnary, Psal. lxxiii. 17. he satisfied me in a way rational, yet above s ason, letting me see ra­tional answers in the light of his word and Spitit. He laughs at the prosperity of the wicked, because he sees their day a coming Psal. xxxvii. 13. Thus were mine enemies foiled, and so let all thine enemies perish, O Lord, Judges v. 31.

This light, thus kindled, he daily increased, and con­firmed me every day more and more by new discoveries of himself from the word. And now I could look with [Page 139]satisfaction upon the heavens and the earth, and see the print of his hand upon them.

CHAP. VII. Containing an account how I came to be satisfied that the scriptures are the word of God, and how temptations in reference to them were repelled.

1. TO give a clear account of the issue of my tempta­tion, it will be necessary that I shortly recapitu­late what formerly has been spoken concerning the trial, and my carriage under is.

2. This tempation did not attack me so early as the former, but it was managed much in the same way; some­times my mind only hung in suspense, and hovered in un­certainty, for want of evidence proportioned to the im­portance of the truth for my faith to fix on: At other times, I was strangely harassed with violent temptations, multiplied and subtile objections which were thronged daily in on my mind, by reading books full of them, by converse with enemies to the word, by Satan's sugges­tions, which were by much the more subtile and trou­blesome to me.

3. This exercise was in some measure more perplexing than the former, because it was no less ruining to all sa­tisfying religion; the objections were much more plausi­ble, they were far more in number, and entertained by persons of a better character, and the evidence of the truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.

4. Before the issue came, the Lord gave, by consider­ations formerly mentioned, sometimes a merciful check unto temptations, and kept them from overwhelming me quite; of which I have formerly given some account.

5. I tried many ways besides prayer and attendance upon ordinances; I bought, borrowed, and read many books, written in defence of them, which wanted not its own solid use; for hereby I got a deep rational convic­tion of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for them against enemies, and oft times to beat them at their [Page 140]own weapons: and I got many particular objections fully answered, and was hereby encouraged to wait for full sa­tisfaction, without despairing. Especially one book had this use; after I had, without the satisfaction I desired, though nor without the fruits above-mentioned, perused my later writings, the Lord [...]d me to look into the [...] filling of the Scriptures, which had lien by me negrected: And I found this more convincing than any I had read, because it brought me nearer the proper evidence where­on faith should fix, than any of the rest; it discovered more of the intrinsiek worth of the word than the others, and pleaded strongly in point of reason.

6. Yet after all this, my mind [...]mained unsatisfied, none of these arguments had acthority to repel [...]atiens, being but the wisdom of man; nor, on the same account, did they lay a four [...]ation for divine faith, nor did they enlighten a darkened mind to see the evidence of God in the word; nor were they able to rectity an indisposed pallate, and convey a taste and savour of the word of God to the soul, that was able to satisfy me that it was such bread as a man might love by, Matth. iv. 4.

7. Thus it continued with me un [...]il the Lord came, and let in the fore-mentioned discovery of his glory into my soul, and hereby I was relieved and satisfied as to this doubt also, [...] Cor. xiv. 24.25. The Lord had before, when I was under the convincing work of his Spirit, af­fected my conscience with some sense of his authority in the word, evidencing itself by that convincing and con­demning light and power which I di [...]cerned and [...]eit; and hereby the force of the foregoing temptation was usually broke in some measure, when the Lord by the word and fasten on my soul a sense of my guilt, but this discovery of sin by the word being terrible to me, rather extorted an assent, than induced to a willing consent and cheerful acquiescence in the word as coming from God. But the Lord, when he gave the before mentioned outgate by the word, conveying a sense of his authority in it, by a light and power that relieved my soul, [...]pe [...]led temptations, re [...]ved, composed, comforted, and strongly: bore up [...] soul before depressed and bowed down: this made [...] not only give an a [...]ent, [...] with much pleasure acqui­esce [Page 141]in this word as the word of life; then I found his words, and did eat them, and I rejoiced as they that find great treasure, and they were to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart, Jei. xv. 16. And hereon I was sweetly satisfied as to the scriptures being his word; for they did many ways evidence that they were from him.

1. All discoveries of guilt were conveyed by them, be­fore and since my outgate: God by it spoke in mine can sins, which none save God that searches the heart could know; it made these sins manifest which I knew not, no creature else knew, 1 Cor. xv. 25. By it the secrets of my heart were made manifest; and hereon I could not but fall down, and own that God was in it of a truth, and that indeed it was a beam from the fountain of light: For whatever maketh manifest is light, Eph. v. 13. And that it was from him who tries the reins, and sets our secret sins in the light of his countenance, Jer. xvii. 10. It discerned the thoughts and intents of my heart in such a quick and powerful way, Psal. xc. 8. and with that authority, Matth. vii. 29. that made me own it the word of God. And now I was ready to say, Come see a book that has told me all that ever I did in my life, is not this the book of God [...] John iv. 29.

2. All the discoveries that the Lord gave of his wrath were conveyed by the scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropped into my soul, and revealed from hea­ven against me, Rom. i. 18. The word, as the arrow of the Almighty, Psal. xxxviii. 2. thrown by an omnipotent arm, pierced and stuck in my soul, and the poison of it drunk up my spirit, Psal. xlv. 5. Job vi. 4. it was the rod of God's strength, Psal. xc. 2. whereby he broke and crushed me while his enemy.

3. It was by the same word that he let in upon my f [...]ul that glorious discovery of his being, attributes, pur­poses, Rom. x. 8, 9. and his whole will in reference to my salvation by Jesus Christ, whereof before, 2 Tim. i. 10. Tit. iii. 4. hereby he conveyed into my soul sweet and satisfying evidences as to his being; satisfying, consistent, and some way God-becoming notions of his nature. Here­in it was that he proclaimed his name, the Lord God mer­ciful and gracious unto sinners in Christ, Exod, xxxiv. 5, as I have before shewed.

[Page 142] 4. It was by the word he conveyed all those converting, Psalm six. 7. transforming, quickening, so [...]orting, re­ [...]iving, compoting influences above mentioned. It was his word converted my soul, whils I lay in sin, Psalm cxix. 50.93. [...] me when I was dead, charged me into h [...] image in some measure, 2 Cor. iii. 18. [...] me and [...]atered me, [...]sa. lvii. 15. when again I was weary, supported and [...]aved me when I was ready to sai [...], P [...]lm xx. 2. Acts xx. 35. and composed me when I was like the [...], Mark iv. [...]9.

5. It was b [...]he sau [...]e word that he let in glorious dis­coveries of all the truths of religion, wherewith I was now made acquainted; let me see the wonders of his la [...], Psalm cxix. 17. excellent things in coursel and knowledge, Prov. xxii. 20. By it he was pleased to discover the craft, the power, the actings and designs of my enemies, and by it he satisfied me of my doubts, let one see his se­cret designs in my trials, and somewhat of his designs in many of those his public administrations, whereat I had before taken exception.

6. As all these discoveries and influences were convey­ed by the word, so be now in the conveyance affected my conscience with this authority, and evidenced that his name was in it, by that light and power pecu [...] to God, that went along with it, Gal. iii. 2. Jer. xxiii. 2 [...]. It spake not in all these things as the scribes and [...]hari­sees, the wise [...]t, the greatest, or the best of men, but with another sort of authority and weight, it spake as never ma [...] spake, Math. vii. 29. John vii. 46. Whatever it said, either with respe to God, or my case, or others, my conscience was ma [...] to stand to it, when he c [...]a [...]en­ged by his word for things which I knew not to be saults, men notice not, conscience obeyed, and took the hint, and armed with this authority, accused, arr [...]igned, conden [...]ed, and, as it were, executed the sente [...]ce too. Nor would it stand to, or reg [...]rd defence or pleas from any other airth. When God spake wrath, be [...]indled a stame in my foal, by the breath of this word, that mony waters could no [...] quer [...] he raised a storm in it, that I could neither quiet, nor row against, so as to get to land, Job xxxiv. 29. The heart that before was as unconcerned [Page 143]as a stone at reading the word, or hearing it, now trem­bled and quaked. In like manner when he spoke peace he created it, Isa. lvii 19. He made the d [...]ad to bear, and the hearer to live. He sent his word and h [...]d me, Psalm cvii. 20, 29. And immediately there was a calm. The winds and s [...]as obeyed him, at his rebuke they fred, Mark iv. 39. Templations after it spoke not again. When I was self destroyed. self condemned, and by its power beat from all pleas, so that I durst neither deny, excuse nor ex [...]e [...]uate, nor quarrel the [...]a [...]dest sentence which I dreaded most; and was hereon cast into the great­ [...]it agony of trouble, when I was ready to say with Job. If I had called, and he had answered me; yet would I not believe that he had heark [...]ed to my voice. Job ix. 16. When with him I ref [...]sed to be comforted, and scarce did think comfort possible; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me, and my soul was commanded to be at peace, a glorious calm always [...]nsued. Whereas, on the other hand, when I or others endeavoured to speak peace to myself, mine enemies boldly repelled all, and flew on me, as the devil did on the exorcises, Acts xix 16.

7. The Lord now sweetly relieved me as to my doubts about the scriptures. I. Whereas mine en [...]mies had ost pushed me with this, that there were many pretenders to revelation; and hereon, to difficult me, asked, how I would or could distinguish the word of God from these preten­ders? The Lord himself now gave a qui [...]ting reply, Jer. xxiii. 28, 29. The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word fa [...]thfully: What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire, saith the Lord? And like a hammer that breaketh the reck in pieces? 2. He was pleased particularly to speak these things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, and oft to evidence his autho­rity in and by these passages which I took exception at. And this condescension was of manifold use; it satisfied as to those passages, it reproved and humbled me for my unbelief and ignorance in quarrelling at them; it render­ed me jealous of the like temptations with respect to other passages. It put me to plead for clea [...]ing as to what was da [...]k from the Lord, it gave me hope as to the issue. [Page 144] These things understood not his disciples at the first.—They said therefore, What is this that be saith, A little while? We cannot tell what be saith.—But when he had ris [...] from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this unto them: And they believed the scripture, and the word which Jesus had said, John Chapter xii. 36. compared with Chapter xvi. 18. and with the Chapter ii. 22. Then was I made to say with the diciples, Chapter xvi. 29. Lo, now speakest thou plainly, and speakest no pro­verb. 3. Where I was not presently cleared, the Lord gave me subsistence, as it were something to live on till light came; he satisfied me from the word, of the reasons of his expressing himself in the scriptures in parables to the multitude; and he told me, that what he did and said, I knew not now, but encouraged me to hope, that I should know hereafter, John xiii. 7. when my need required it. 4. He was as good as his word; for when I was alone with him, he opened what before was spoken in parables, and while he opened the scripture, and discovered my ig­norance, he often made my heart burn within me, Luke xxiv. 32. Again, 5. He satisfied me, as to many things, that I was not yet able to bear them, Mark iv. 33. John xvi. 12, 13. as to others, that it was nor for me to know them at present, that the proper season of light as to them, would come, when he would shew me plainly of them, and then should I know them. 6. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in training me up to dependence, for opening of my eyes to see the wonders of his law, Psalm cxix. 18. Job xxxiv. 32. and leading me to importune him, that what I knew not he might teach, John xvi. 12, 13. and discovering hereby that I knew but in part, and stood in need of the Spirit to guide unto all truth, to bring all to remembrance, 1 Cor. xiii. 12. and that it was my duty to meditate in Gods law day and night, Psalm i. 2. and search the scriptures, and that with much humility, since the secret of the Lord is with them that fear him, and he shews them his covenant, and he guides the meek in judgment, and clearly teaches them his way, Psalm xxv. 9, 10, 12, 14.

8. When after this I now read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, [Page 145]quickening and sparkling glory, 1 Cor. ii. 15. yet I found mine eyes opened, and an habitual light planted in my soul, John x. 4, 5. whereby I was enabled almost every where to discern the glory of the Lord in some mea­sure, Col. 1.13. and thereby my conscience was secret­ly overawed, 1 John ii. 27. and brought even then to regard them as his word, Col. 2.13. being transtated out of darkness into light, and illuminated in some mea­sure in the knowledges of God, his nature, purposes, and the tendency of his whole dealings with men: there was hereby a light reflected on the whole scripture, and I was ordinarily enabled to discern the congruity of all that I read there to those discoveries of God, and how wor­thy of him, and like himself every thing was. And by this abiding light, I was capable of discerning in the word, discoveries of the actings of sin in grace, a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save the omniscient and only wise God.

And being thus once in this way quieted as to the truth, in the same and other ways of a like nature, I was daily confirmed.

CHAP. VIII. Containing a short account of the issue of some other temptations wherewith I had been exercised, and the relief I got with respect to them, from the Lord.

1. I Have above shewed, that Satan, who had oft temp­ted me to pride, when he found it for his interest, turned himself another way, and made it his work to drive to a bastard sort of humility. When I was caught in the thicket of his temptations about the truth of the scriptures, and other things of an alike nature, and was using means to get my mind relieved; he oft, with much importunity, urged me with this thought, "To what pur­pose do ye seek for satisfaction, or how can ye be so vain, as to expect it about these things, wherein men of incomparably greater reach, abilities, diligence and opportunities, have been obliged to remain unsatisfied, and upon that account, have given up with them?" This temptation was often [Page 146]urged with that hell'sh violence, that I had no spirit left in me by it: I was ready to let my hands hang down, my knees turned feeble, and my mouth was oft at speak­ing it out, that there was no hope, and I went about to make myself despair of any good, fruit of any labour ta­ken, or that could by me be exercised, and laid out under the sun.

2. When the Lord made the foregoing discovery of himself to me, the force of this temptation was quite broke, by seeing the truths of God in his own light. But I got not a particular discovery of the weakness of this temptation then, till some time after reading in my ordi­nary, the three first-chapters of the First to the Corinthi­ans, the Lord was pleased to open mine eyes, and make me understand the weakness of this temptation. The light that then shined upon my soul from, and by this portion of scripture, and the satisfaction of soul it gave, as to this temptation, no words can express: Nor can I, at this distance of time, narrate all that then the Lord made convincingly clear to me from his word. Yet the substance I do remember, and shall represent in the fol­lowing remarks.

3. First God here represented to me, that his great design in the method of salvation made choice of by in­finite wisdom, was to stain the pride of all glory; that no flesh might glory in his sight. But that he that glories should glory only in the Lord.

4. Secondly, The Lord discovered, that a vain ambi­tion to be wise above what God allowed, was the spring and principal part of our apostacy from God; and that ever since Satan first dropt that poison into our natures, it has wrought strongly: Vain man would be wise. The Jews as [...]e a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom.

5. Thirdly, That in order to the attainment of the fore­going design, and indeed for the recovery of man, it was plainly necessary, that man's ambition in this matter should be effectually checked. This being a principal branch of our corruption, if it were not cured we were not completely recovered. This lying in a plain opposi­tion to the design of God, if it were not levelled, this design could not be reached. Hereon it became neces­sary, [Page 147]that God should destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

6. Fourthly, God, to vindicate his own wisdom, which was reproached by this vain ambition of man, to fix an external blot on this wisdom of man, set up in opposition to it, and effectually discover its vanity in the depth of his wisdom, and holy severity in punishing this ambition, and other wickednesses of vain man, suffered for many ages all nations to walk in their own ways, and try them, whether they were better than God's way, whether they could supply the defects which they fondly imagined God at first had made them with, or relieve themselves from the misery their apostacy had brought them under. He said, I will hide my face from them, I will see what their end shall be: For they are a very froward generation, children in whom is no faith: And the event was every way answerable to the expectation and design of divine wis­dom and justice, and the desert of the wickedness and folly of men, who made the attempt; for after near four thousand years fruitless endeavours spent through the wise forbearance of God, The world by wisdom knew not God. They in the wisdom of God, quite missed the mark; their foolish minds were darkened; seeking to be wise, they became fools; and instead of getting their eyes opened to see and know more than God allowed them, they could see nothing but their' own nakedness; and so imperfect were their discoveries, that their wisdom suggested to them, that fig leaves would cure that.

7. Fifthly, After in the wisdom of God, the world by wisdom knew not God, after they had spent the time allot­ted them, for trial and discovery of the vanity of their own wisdom, with a success answerable to the vanity of the attempt, God, in the depth of his compassion, step­ped in for the relief of mankind; and for a furtherance of the glorious design above-mentioned, was pleased to pitch on a way quite opposite to all that the wisdom of foolish man aimed at. The means he made use of, were not such as man's wisdom would or could expect, prescribe, or approre of. He made not choice of the enticing words of man's wisdom, or eloquence, human eloquence. It was no way suitable to the majesty, truth and uncerity of God, [Page 148]to make choice of that mean art, whereby the affections of weak men are inveigled, and their judgments are bi­affed, and led blind fold in a subjection to these pas­sions, which they could govern. He made no choice of arrificial reasonings, the other eye of human wisdom. It did not become the majesty of God to dispute men into their duty, or a compliance with his will. And albeit he wrought signs to awaken the attention of a world drowned in security, to conciliate respect to his ambassa­dors, to strengthen the faith of his own, and cut off all seemingly rational pleas for unbelief; yet he choosed not them, nor did he principally insist on them as the means of converting and recovering the world, not being willing to derogate so far from his word, as to encourage an opi­nion, that the devil would, and has frowardly propaga­ted, that God's word is not upon its own evidence, with­out miracles worthy of the acceptation of rational crea­tures. Nor would he gratify the unbelieving curiosity of men, who would put God to the drudgery of altering [...] course of nature, and please their humour at every [...].

8. Sixthly, God having rejected all these, made choice of the foolishness of preaching, that is, a plain declara­tion of his mind and will in his name, in the demonstration of the Spirit and power, and not in the enticing words of man's wisdom, by persons commissioned for that effect by him. After that in the wisdom of God, the world by wis­dom knew not God, it plensed God by the foolishness of preach­ing to save them that believe. Now this was every way worthy of God. Man was injurious to God, by credit­ing the devil rather than God. The devil seemed to have gained a considerable advantage, in persuading man in his integrity to credit him, and to discredit God. God on the other hand rubbed shame on him, by engaging fallen man to reject the devil, and credit him on his bare word; and upon this, to give up with Satan, and all that adher­ed to him.

9. Seventhly, God yet further to manifest his design, as he made use of the foolishness of preaching, that means which, though really it is the wisdom and power of God, yet men look on it as foolish and weak; so he made choice, [Page 149]not of the scribes, the learned, wise disputers, to be his ambassadors, but of foolish, weak, illiterate men: that by things which in appearance are no [...]ke might bring to nought these that are.

10. Eighthly, In a further congruity to this design, God saw meet to disappoint men's expectation and wisdom, as [...]ar, with respect to the Saviour whom he raised up, as the means of discovering him. He made choice of a crucified Christ, a man of sorrows and acquainted with griefs, and passed by all the great and high potentates of the earth, and the worldly pomp and grandeur, which men respect and dote upon.

11. Ni [...]thly, To lay man yet lower, that the Lord alone might be exalted, he chose not such persons, as the world would have thought stood fairest for mercy: But he chose the most miserable and contemptible for most part. Not many wise, not many noble, not many mighty are called: But God hath chosen the f [...]olish things of this world, to [...]found the wis [...], and God [...]ath chos a the [...]ak things of [...] world to confound those that are mighty: and base things of this world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen: yea, and things which are not, to bring is nought things that are.

12. Tenthly, The Lord hereon let me se [...], I. That it was to be expected, and was indeed inevitable, that a great opposition should be made to the gospel, and whole revelation of himself in the word. 2. That this oppo­sition was principally to be by pretenders to wisdom, learn­ed men 3. That theis objections should be against all the concemments of the gospel, matter, m [...]nner, means, all being opposite to their expectations. And that there. fore it was no wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at preaching, some at preachers. 4. That their pleas should be very different and various: The Jews seeking signs, and the Greeks wisdom, according as their different principles and inclications led them. 5. That it was to expected, that their objections should be speci­ous, they being suited to the wisdom, the natural ap­prehensions of all men unrene [...]ed, and not brought to a compliance with the grand design of God. 6. That it was impossible for any man that was not brought to be a [Page 150]fool in his own eyes, to be wise in the matters of God, or to discern and approve of the wisdom of God in this whole matter.

13. Upon this discovery, I was fully satisfied, that though those things were in the wisdom of God hid from the wise and prudent, yet babes might have a satisfying discovery of them, because it has pleased the F [...]ther [...] wal these things to them.

14. I was made to see, that this oppo [...]tion of [...]aned men, and these [...] in their enquitica, were so­far from being [...]jull prejudice, [...] truth of God, that on the contrary, it was a strong con [...]ation of the truth of religion. Thus, Out of the ea [...] [...], and sweet out of the strong. Wh [...]le I [...] knew [...] is was to [...] hard for me. Then went i [...] the san [...]uary, and there I saw their end. Hence I was made to hope, that thou [...] my heart and my flesh should. and did fail me, God would be the strength of my bear [...], and portion for ever, that he would guide me by his counsel, and afterwards re­ceive me to glory: And therefore, Surely it is good for me to draw near to God, who has not said to the seed of Jacob. Seek ye me in vain: He is good to the soul that secks him, to them that wait for him. In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

15. I found frequently that common and much noised pretence against the most important truths of the scriptures especially those which are controverted by Pelagians, Arminians, and Socinians, that they are contrary to rea­son, making considerable impression on my mind: But this being rather by fits and starts, than for any fixed tract of time, I shall shortly point at the springs of my relief from temptations of this sort.

16. First, God had long before I got a full relief, fixed me in a deep, rational conviction of the shortness of human knowledge, and that there is no truth we receive, whether upon the evidence of metaphysical, mathemati­cal, or moral principles, or even on the evidence of our senses, against which there lay not insoluble obje [...] ­tions, on which no man yet thought it reasonable to ques­tion those truths; nor though we would never so much, yet could we not for those objections bring our minds to [Page 151]hesitate about many of them. This I was fully satisfied about, on the clearest conviction of reason and experience. And as this was one of the most considerable fruits of my studies in philosophy, so it was many ways useful to me: For [...] [...] It made me see through the vanity of that pre­tence against divine truths, that there lie unanswerable at gu [...]ts against them. This I thought would not [...] if once I saw su [...]cient evidence for the [...] ­ [...] I was [...] conviction hereby, that is was reasonable to [...] more inext [...] dith [...]ties about truths supernaturally [...]ealed, than about others, because they lie farther out of our reach. 3. When difficulties [...]cevrred, I was led rather to suspect myself of ignorance, than the truths of God.

17. Secondly, When the Lord gave me the foregoing discovery of him [...]lf, he fixed me in the faith of his in­comprehentibility. While he let me see his back parts, he convinced me, that I could not see his face. He let me fee, that his ways are not our ways: And hereon I darst not attempt any more to measure him, or his ways, by my short line.

18. Thirdly, Hereby likewise I was brought to rest quietly in the determination of the word. I took all to the law and, to the testimony: And where the word clearly interposed its testimony, my soul was now in some mea­fure taught to acquiesce in, and stand to its determina­tion.

19. Fourthly, When I found the subtile endeavours of adversaries to prevent any particular testimony, and myself unable at first to disapprove their evasions; I was much relieved by a view of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all running the same way, and declaring as it were with one mouth for the truth.

20. Fifthly, When by consulting interpreters, especially criticks, I found myself rather darkened than cleared about the meaning of particular testimonies; I had re­course to the scope of the words, the plain meaning as it offered itself to view, with a humble dependence upon God for light as to his mind; and hereby found my soul much more satisfied about the meaning of the word than by the subtile fetches of bold criticks, that are of [...] jurious to truth.

[Page 152] 21. Sixthy, When for a time, by the subtile perver­sions of scriptore testimonies, I could not sind the use of them, the analogy of faith stayed my mind as to the truth, till I was in case to recover [...] p [...]olar tes­timonies out of the enemies hand: When the Lord mani­sested himself from the [...]ord to me, he gave me a sweet view of himself, and his [...] princinally aimed at in the whole revelation he made of himse [...] of the sweet and harmonious consent and concu [...]renot of the principal doctrines of the gospel, [...] promoting that [...] and he let me see how the end and the m [...] were [...] closely linked together, thas one of these truths could not be [...]wer [...] [...]med, hut almost all the rest must follow its sate: H [...] ­or whenever any of these truths were controverted its connection with the other truths, uniformly and plainly at­tester by the current of the scriptures, presented itself, and m [...]mind was satisfied it could not fall without they all [...]ell. This I take to be the analogy of faith; and herein I of took sanctuary.

22. Sev [...]thly, My mind was oft stayed by the concur­rent suffinge of the pious in all churches, and nations, and ages, witnessed in their p [...]rtieular writings and con­fessions of frith: I loved to walk in the footsteps of the s [...] that [...] of those of whose piety we had the best se­ [...].

23. Eighthly. The direct opposition, especially of the Pelagian [...]tions, to my owe experience, and that of all the fearers of God I conversed with, as well as the scrip­tures, was [...] very great relief.

24. Ninthly One thing that made me always read Ar­minians and Socinians with a just jealousy, was a clear view of their scardalous disingenuity in misrepresenting the opinions they opposed.

25. Tenthly, When I seriously viewed the difficulties they urged against the truth, I oft found them caught in the thicket, and as deeply fastened and entangled in the [...] full as great or greater incunveniences.

26. Elevembly, The fore mentioned view of the de­sign of the gospel, as represented from the First of the Co­rinthians, was of great use.

27. Twelfthly, God very oft, when I was perplexed [Page 153]about particular scriptures, gave me a view of their mean­ing in his own light, opened them to me; and after him temptations spoke not again.

28. Many other things and considerarsons of an alike nature, have been relieving; which, because they are roo many and too long, to be here narrated, I pass: These mentioned may serve for a taste.

29. I now come to give some account of my relief from another tempration, wherewith I have been continually [...]ised from my youth, and yet sometimes am; and it [...] dea [...] I have above above narrated what a con­ [...]ioua [...] [...]vas in through fears of death, and how [...] sears [...]gan; I shall now give some account of my [...]sies.

30. First, I [...]ound the Lord's mercy manifested in Christ, fr [...] m [...] from the spirit of bondage, and acquai [...] me in some muasure with that liberty that is the attendant of the spirit of adoption; and hereby all my fears were much weakened.

31. Secondly, The Lord by that discovery he made of himself in Christ, removed, in a great measure, the grounds whereon I had heretofore feared death most, the want of evidence about the reality of things not seen, and sin the sting of death; and hereon ray mind was much cased, because I was now in measure secured against both these fears.

32. Thirdly. The strong power of sin that I sound still remaining, and the disturbance thence arising, made life not desirable; and a prospect or riddance by dea h, and a more satisfying discovery of the Lord, made death ap­pear more desirable.

33. Fourthly, Whereas a natural aversion to death still continued, and I found still more fear, upon a close pros­pect of it, arising in my mind; I was much relieved by the promise of the Lord's helping against temptation, and engaging for his people, that they should not be tempted above what they are able to bear, but that when the trial comes, he will provide a way to escape.

34. Fifthly, My faith, as to this promise, was often strengthened by former experience: particularly, I re­member one day, travelling from Edinburgh to Leith, [Page 154]and meditating upon death, I was oppressed with Fes r [...] 0 when the Lord mercifully suggested this scriptural thought, though not in the scripture words, have you not shrinked formerly under the remore prospect of other trials? And have you not yet been carried honourably and safely through them? What reason have you to distrust God as to future trials, who has given grace formerly to help in time of need? This quieted my mind at the time.

35. Sixthly, With respect to this, it has always been very satisfving to consider, that it is no way meet that God should give us grace before trials come, but that he should keep us humble and dependent, by reserving that in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his judg­ment, as to the measure and time of performing his own premises, and giving the necessary supplies of grace.

Seventhly, Hereon my soul was quieted under all my fears of this trial, in some measure of the faith of this, that the Lord is a God of judgment, and that they are blessed who wait on him in the faith of his promises, not doubt­ing either of his faithfulness as to the accomplishment, or judgment as to the right timing and measuring them in proportion to our trials and necessities.

Eighthly, The Lord has often given me, when clouded by this fear, a sweet discovery of the beauty of this proposal, that we have promises to live upon, till the trials come, and that when they come, we shall then get accomplishments to live on: In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.

Finally, The experiences of the Lord's faithfulness re [...] c [...]a [...]d in history, and learned by report, or by my own [...]oservation, did oft help to strengthen my faith of this, and here I rest to this day. I dare not say, I am ready to die; I dare not say, I have saith or grace sussicient to carry me through death; I dare not say, I have no fears of death; but this I say, there is grace enough 0 for helping me laid up in the promise, there is a throne of grace to which in our straits we may have re­course: He is a God of judgment, who has the disposal, and who will not withhold it when it is really the time of naede

CHAP. I. Of his being licensed to preach the gospel.

WHEN I was under the violent strugglings rela­ted in the account of the second part of my life, I had daid by all thoughts of the work of the minis­try. It was like hell once, to entertain a thought of preaching to others what I did not believe myself: But now things began to alter, and the Lord led me on to that which I declined before: And I find the steps of his providence about me in this matter, do deserve to be re­membered by me. 1. My mother did devote me from my childhood to this work, and oft expressed her desire to lend me to the Lord all the days of my life, to serve him in the gospel of his Son: This has oft had its own weight on my spirit. 2. The course of my studies had looked that way; my education pointed towards that work; which providential determination of my studies, though I had no greatregard to it at sometimes, yet on other occasions it had some weight on my spirit, that I dorst not rashly turn my thoughts another way. 3. The Lord forcibly, by his providence, did break my design of fol­lowing the study of philosophy, by the foregoing exer­cise, of which I have given an account, brought my mind to acquiesce in this dispensation, and made philosophy comparatively distasteful, and it was upon the serious re­view of the temptations moving me to incline that way, made extremely unsavory. 4. The Lord having thus loosed my heart from that study, that for a while did ri­val [Page 156]it with the study of divinity; he did also, by the foregoing issue of my dark exercise, remove and take [...] way the principal stumbling blocks, and make the way straight. 5. He further, by the discovery of his glory in the face of Christ, engaged my heart to, and endeared to my soul the knowledge of Christ, and him crucified. 5. He brought me under a lively sense of that forcible tie that was hereon laid on me, to lay out myself in any way that he should call me to be serviceable to him, and I was made to think, that I should be the more happy, the more directly my work should look that way. 7. While, like Peter, I was musing sometimes on these things, about the month of April or May, 1698, two ministers were sent, to my great surprise, from the pres­bytery of Kirkaldie, urging me to enter on trials: I did altogether decline the proposal, because I had no reading, wanted the languages and had been much di­verted from the study, particularly by the foregoing ex­ercise, which had filled my thoughts for near a year and a half, and it was not then two years since I came from the college. In a word, I did answer, I am child, and cannot speak, Jer. i. 6. And here I stuck, surprised and tossed with thoughts what this might mean, and whence it was, for I had scarce ever looked near the presbytery. They prescribed John i. 12. for a text, and left me to consider of it. 8. I found my aversion strong to enter so soon at least on trials; but still it had some weight on my spirit, and I did think further of it, and found that the Lord's dealing with me of late, in the great variety of trials, casting me down, and raising me up again and again, looked as a preparation for comforting others with the consolations wherewith I had been comforted, and sym­pathizing with them, as having had experience of a great variety of tempations, and I found that by these my lit­tle knowledge of the mystery of the gospel received some improvement. The ministers continued to solicit me, and and press home their desire; but while I stood out against their solicitations, though not without some secret strug­gle and doubting, whether in so doing I might not be declining duty, I began to observe the Lord raising a storm against me: I began to see the snares of the sta­tion [Page 157]I was in, the advantages my corruptions had by it a­gainst me; and, in a word the Lord made it out to me, that I behoved to change my station; but I was not hereby clear­ed to comply with their de [...]ire, yet I durst not flatly decline it. About this I much tossed, May 20, 1698. The Lord was taking away some that had been most helpful and en­couraging, my inward perplexities grew, and I was not like to have peace in my own mind. 10. While I was in this case, Mr. Riddel did, May 30, come to the Wemyss, and after much converse, and many reasonings, charged me to try, and have my thoughts on my text, and then do, or stand off, as the Lord should clear duty, which I did consent to. 11. But after this I still did shift and decline, and could not think of a compliance; and then December 28, provost Ramsay wrote, carnestly desiring me to take the charge of my lord Maitland. This put me to a stand a little, and I was inclined to em­brace it at first: But on farther consideration I was fully cleared to reject that motion, and so I remained in my former strait, crying to the Lord frequently, that he might discover duty. I was fully satisfied that I beho­ved not to stay there, but yet was averse from the mi­nistry, at least so soon. But that which had well nigh turned me quite off, was an express from my friend and my father's, the worthy Mr. James Duncan, urging me, in the most pressing terms, to take the charge of my lord Duplin's children, offering what encouragement I pheased. My father's deep obligation to that family, and several other things, carried my inclination toward a compliance: But having at Mr. Forrester's earnest desire, undertaken a homily in the new college, which I was to deliver next week, I took time to consider of it; and after that I had, on February 28, 1699, delivered my discourse on Job xxviii. 28. I went to visit my acquaintance, worthy Mr. Shields, who did urge me to enter on trials, with that gravity and concern, that had more weight on my spirit, than all that had been spoken to me. Upon this, and other things that offered themselves to view, I was fully satisfied it was duty to lay aside thoughts of Mr. Dun­can's proposal. 22. The presbytery of Kirkaldie, March 16, c [...]n [...] 1699, urged me to try a common head, and if [Page 158]I was not after that clear to proceed, promised to leave me to my choice; whereupon I consented, and delivered it April 20, when I accepted of a text, and they offered me Psal. cxix. 9. which I delivered May 10, and after­wards the exercise and addition, which I delivered be­fore the synod that met about Mr. Inglis' affair, May 23, and thereon took a popular sermon, being not a little en­couraged by Mr. Shield's, who spoke again seriously to me after sermon and exercise, which was on Rom. viii. 36. My popular sermon on Psal. lxxiii 25. which I de­livered on June 22, and was li [...]ensed then, after I had gone through the usual trials. 13. As the Lord did, by the formerly mentioned conduct of providence about me, remove my scruples, and clear my mind; so his counte­nancing me in my first appearances, not only by supply­ing me for the work, but making me successful towards the awakening of some, and comforting of others did not a little confirm and encourage me.

CHAP. II. Of his entering on the ministry at Ceres.

BEING thus licensed, June 22, 1699, at Kirkaldie. I continued preaching as appointed or defired every Lord's day, for most part, blessed be God, not without some countenance and success. November 25, the call of South Leith came to me, where I had preached some­time before. Mr. Wi [...]hart the minister, with several el­ders, came with it: And November 29, a call from the Eli, where I also had preached, was put in my hand; and much about the same time the call of the parish of Ceres was put in my hand. I took them to consideration, and gave no manner of hopes to any. I found myself in a great strait between Leith and Ceres, and it was much the greater, that both posts lay not within one province: and so there was no judicature equally concerned in both, to whom I might submit; so that I was necessitated to make a choice myself. After some endeavours with my own heart, to bring it to a willingness to close with ei­ther, as God should clear up duty, I did set myself to [Page 159]consider and [...]nder reasons on the hand and on the other: And for Leith the following reasons had weight—

• 1. The importance of the post, and considerableness of the charge.
• 2. The unanimity of their call, after they had been long otherwise.
• 3. The colleague was most desirable, and one from whom I might learn much, both as to preaching and dis­cipline.
• 4. There was a considerable number of godly in the place.
• 5. In should have the advantage of living in the presby­tery of Edinburgh, where there is unquestionably the fairest occasion for improvemert.
• 6. The commission's interposition on behalf of Leith, by their letter of the date.—

On the other hand, for Ceres, it was of weight—

• 1. That the parish was considerable, had been entire­ly without one of a long time, had been divided, and were now harmonious; whereas Leith was well supplied of one.
• 2. That whereas Leith lying near Edinburgh, they had the choice of young men, and had men of weight and activity, and interest to obtain whom they had a mind to; it was otherwise with Ceres.
• 3. Where colleagues are most desirable, a collegiate life is not without such difficulties as should incline one not to run into them without an evident call.
• 4. I had not enjoyed time for reading, and could not in a town, and that so near Edinburgh, where the charge was so great, have any time for improvement which I might hope for in the country, at least in the winter sea­son.
• 5. The charge was less than the half of Leith, and my body was but weak.
• 6. I found my temper soft and unmeet for managing the humours of town's people.
• 7. I found my best friends, whom I had reason to re­spect, as designing nothing but my good, firm of the o­pinion, that Ceres was the most suitable charge.

[Page 160] Having weighed all, and laid the matter before the Lord as I could, I at length came to a resolption, to re­ject the call of Leith, and did, Jaruary 2, 1700, gave it up, and close with that of Ceres, to the great distatis­faction of the minister and people of Leith, who had been at more pains with me than I deserved. Peing thus in some measure cleared to accept of Ceres's call, that of Eli making no courpethion, I did enter on trials, and and delivered my common head de Communicatione I die­matam, February 13. 12 Coupar, and my exercise and addition on Gal. iii. 9. March 19; and April 16, I de­ [...]cred, my popular sermon cu Rev. i. 6. and underwent the other parts of my private trials; and at last, to May 1, 1700, was ordaiaed at Ceress [...]. Alexander Piteairn, minister at Kilnceny, preached on Heb. xiii. 17. and 0229 0224 Sabbath next I began my ministry on Acts x. 29. May 5, 1700.

CHAP. III. Of his management in the work of the ministry.

AFTER he was licensed to preach, and before he was ordained to the ministry, on some solemn occasions, he dedicated himself to the service of the Lord, with earnest player for the suitable endowments whereby be might be fitted for the discarge of that high trust, is it should please God to call him to it. This occurs frequently in his dairy, whereof take an instance on two in his own words.

April 18, 1700 being the fast in order to Lefly's sa­crament, I rose early in the morning; and after some re­view of my former ways, and serious thoughtsulness of the design of the present duty, I did in prayer pour out my soul to God, confessing fins; and I dare not say, but it was with some tender sense of the dishonour done to God, and of the wretched unkindness that is in them to God. Original sin, imputed and inherent, were both hea­vy and my par icular evils. I did solemnly revew my engagements to the Lord, accepting of Christ according to the gospel ofter and terms, and did endeavour parti­cularly to act faith on him, with respect to the ministerial endowments, and did devote my self to him in that service.

[Page 161] May 1, 1700, being the day of his ordination. This morning I renewed my engagements to God, and accep­ted of Christ upon the gospel terms, catting myself over open him, not only for what belongs to me as a private Christian, but as a minister, eyeing his strength for through-boarance in the whole of the work, particularly pleading forents presence this day; I cannot deny his presence in sector. Mr. Alexander Pitcairn minister in Kilmeny preached the ordination sermon, on Hebrews xiii. 17. Where he insisted upon the watchmen's duty, I cannot deny, but my heart was much weighed with the sense of the greatness of the work, and after I had answer. ed the questions put to me concerning my loundness in the faith, and the sincerity of my purposes in underta­king king the office and work of the holy ministry, I was or­dained. Lord, then knowest what my beart's desire to thee was in the time. O Lord, help, and through grace I shall lay out myself for gaining finners to thee.

Being thus entered into the ministry, he studied and prepared his sermens with much serious secret prayer for divine assistance and direction in his work, and for a successful blessing upon the word, both to himself and his hearers.

His practice also was to review and remark his beha­viour, and acquitting himself in public duties, as to what assistance and enlargement he obtained, as to the gravity, ferion sness, tenderness in his own frame, as to his con­cern for the soul or hearers, as to the warming of his assections with the comfons and ravithing sweetness of di­vine truths. And when he was remarkably helped, it issued in thanksgiving to God, and watching against vain pride and self, that that might not rob the Lord of the glory of his free grace. When otherwise, it was matter of humiliation to him.

Knowing that he was called to ‘watch for souls, as one that must give an account,’ he had the weight of the mienlerial charge much upon his spirit: He was there fore at pains to acquaint himself with the spiritual state of the souls of his stock, that he might be the more capable of dealing with them for their edification, according to their particular cases. In order thereunto, so far as health and [Page 162]strength did allow, he was diligent in visiting all the sa­milies within his parish, in instructing [...]is people by the familiar way of catechising, and in marking [...] profi­ciency in the knowledge of the truths of the [...] At some seasons also, especially when he was about to ad­minister the sacrament of the Lord's suppel. he conver­sed serverally with such who were to be admitted auto that holy ordinance; not to bring them unto auricu [...] con­fessions, but to try what sense they had of serious religion and practical godliness, what efficacy and insinence the word of God had upon them, and what fruits of the preach­ed gospel were to he found in them, that accordingly he might deal with their consciences, and rightly divide unto them the word of truth. Take one instance of this in his own words, as they are found written, July 8 1703, when he had laboured about three years in the ministry at Ceres.

I have, faith he, spent now about a month in converse with my people, and I observe the few following things.

• 1. That of three or four hundred persons, there ware not aboye forty, who had not at one time or other been more or lest awakened by the wond, though with far the greater part it came no length; whence notwithstanding it follows, I. That where there is a faithful ministry, it is not like, but most part are at one time or other in so far touched, as will be sure to i slue in a dreadful, aggrava­tion of their gnils in quenching the spirit, and putting out light: For if so many were touched, so that they could remember of it, how many more may have been so, who have not noticed this? 2. The Lord, leave not himself without a witness, even in the bosom of his ene­mies, whereby he makes them seign subreission, be gives the word such power as makes them feel that as is, his, which tends to enhance their guilt.
• 2. All who were thus convinced, did declare, that any awakenings ever they had, were either under the preachers in the field, or fince the revolucion. This whatever may become of the ministers, is a testimony to their way, and says, that they are called of God.
• 3. The most judicious and ingrained [...] did most frank by dech [...]re to me, that till the revolution ther [Page 163]were never touched with the word; there was never one that said he was touched by the curates; [...] on the con­trary, all declared otherwise, and the [...] [...]alous that way, were most frank in making und [...]fi [...]cu confessions by the plain evidence of truth.
• 4. There has not been one presbyterian minister in the parish since the revolution, whom the Lord has not ho­noured to awaken many; besides their being helped to beget some through the gospel to a new and lively hope. I conversed with some of whom I have reason to hope good things, even things that accompany salvation, that seem to have been brought in by all the presby terian mi­nisters, who were there these silty years by gone.
• 5. I observe, for which I bless the Lord, that befides not a few, whom the Lord has awakened under my mi­nistry, some there are who seem to promise more than flowers, even fruit. And further, a general acknowledg­ment from most, that the word comes near them daily. Which. 1. Makes me ashamed of my own negligence. 2. Adore God's goodness that blesses my weak labours notwithstanding. 3. Encourages me to think, that what­ever may be amiss, yet I have got run unsent.
• 6. I observe, that it is very hard to judge of the com­petency of knowledge, in order to admission. And,
• 7. That knowing people, estranged from the power of religion, are in the most deplorable condition imagina­ble; for I found it almost impossible to get such brought to any sense of their case.

His ministerial concern was not confined to his parish of Ceres, but did extend itself to the whole church: And the consideration of abounding errors and profaneness of the time, did fill his heart with heavy and perplexing thoughts; as may be observed from the foliowing hints.

Quest. What is the duty that is, in a special manner, called for from this church in this day?

Answ.

• I. Mourning; it is a day of abominations.
• 2. A serious endeavour to be rooted, and established in the truths of religion; for there is an aim to destroy the foundations; and remptations to final and total apos­tacy abound.
• 3. A shining gospel walk as a testimony against the horrid profanity of the time.

[Page 164] Herein, O! that I might get my soul continually ex­ercised. Blessed shall he be at this day, who, when the Lord comes, shall be found so employed. A sad neglect of those, gives ground to fear terrible things.

One reasons why the gospel is so unsuccessful at this day, is, because the simplicity of preaching is neglected; a due application of scripture is best preaching, for con­firming which it is remarkable, that though God may make use of the words of man in letting into the mean­ing of it, yet it is the very scripture word, whereby he ordinarily conveys the comfort or advantage of whatever fort, it is the tool of God's own framing that works the of, sect.

At another time he saith, Having considered the growth of error, My beart is affected and filled with many hea­vy and perplexing thoughts: I saw, and daily soe more and more the growth of Arminian, Pelagian, and Soci­nian errors; this, with the growth of profanity that is visible, gives me a sad prospect of what may be a com­ing. This observation that follows was strangely fixed upon my thoughts.

• 1. The gospel truth when fir [...] published, was pure without the mixture of errors. Yet,
• 2. When it spread a little, errors quickly were verted to discredit it.
• 3. Errors in process of time grew; and the further [...] from the first times of the gospel the further off from the simplicity and purity.
• 4. When Christianity obtained external establishment [...] in the world, then there was a remarkable increase of er­ror,
• 5. Superstition and error at length overspread, and the Lord must both punish and purge.
• 6. The way he took to do both, was to give up, in the firth century, to a general apostacy, under Mahomet in the cast, and the Pope in the west: Thus all these errors, as it were, run into one, or run together. That thus the churches were sufficiently punished by these two dreadful plagues, and that there was a purgation on them, is plain in that after the reformation, truth broke out with a beaming lustre, and much purity; Since that time, er­ror [Page 165]has had a second growth; whether the Lord may not take the same method of purging us again, by casting all into the furnace, we cannot tell; we must leave it to himself.

Some of the followers of Mrs. Bourignion having come into his parish, and endeavouring to propagate their opi­nions, under the plausible pretext of singular piety and devotion, he thought sit to guard his people against that intection; a short account whereof he gives in the sol­lowing words: April 10, 1707: This day the Lord directed to strike at the root of prevailing delusions; [...] opposition to which I taught,

• 1. That true holiness will not admit of leaving out of some duties; and that the devotees, while they withdrew from the world, omitted, 1. A testimony to the useful­ness of the Lord's institutions of worship. 2. Usefulcess among men. 3. Diligence in their particular calling.
• 2. That holiness confi [...]ts not in [...] [...]tri [...] observance of [...]elf devised rales, such as many of theirs are.
• 3. That when men pretend to holiness in their walk, and neglect the institutions of worship, then no [...]e can con­clude, that in any thing they are influenced by the au­thority of the Lord Jesus: for that same authority binds to the one as well as the other.
• 4. That the most effectual inducement to obedience, is a constant improvement of the blood of Christ by faith, and a sense of forgiveness kept upon the soul—Lord hear home truth.

CHAP. IV. Containing his judgment concerning several cases, especially with respect unto his own exercise and practice.

Concerning times of trial.

CONCERNING fears of falling in times of trial, I was much assa [...]lted, and was quieted with the fol­lowing remarks.

• 1. These fears of this which disquiet, are a part of that thoughtfulness for futurity which is forbidden.
• [Page 166] 2. These fears are bottomed on many wild supposition as that I should have strength proportioned to trials be­fore they come, u to trials that may never come, that they that live upon the promises have not a sure bottom, &c.
• 3. That in 2 Cor. i. 9. We have the sentence of death in ourselves, that we may not trust in ourselves, was quieting. But,
• 4. My great relief was, that which has been my life, that promise, 1 Cor. x. 13. There hath no temptation to her you, but such as is common to man: But God is faith­ful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above what ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way of eseape, that ye may be able to bear it. It is not what I have that makes me promise or expect through-bearance, but what is in Christ and in the promises.

Of eternity and immortality.

I had some [...]uggl [...]gs about the belief of eternity and immortality; but was very much quieted, I. By a clear view, that eternity was wrapped up and implied in every truth of religion. 2. Especially by much light accom­panying that scripturs, Whorefore hast thou made all men in vai [...]? Psal. lxxxix. 47. If there be not eternity, man answers no valuable purpose with respect to God, or with respect to himself; and so indeed made in vain: This did more establish my soul than ever it had been in this truth, which let me see how soon God can make unbelief give back, and give peace in believing.

Of ministers consulting people in ministerial duties

While I had occasion to speak and hear of some minis­ters, their being swayed much by the advice of good peo­ple, in dark steps of their ministerial work, I was satis­fied in the evident clearness of the following rules.

• 1. That it is very dangerous to lay too much stress up on the advice and apprehensions of the best of people, as to what may be sin or duty in matters that belong not to their station; for the promise of the Spirit's teaching be­longs not to them, as to what may be the duty of the minister's station: therefore,
• [Page 167] 2. It is safer to desire the help of their prayers, that God may, according to his promise, clear us, or dis [...]cver to us what is duty, than to learn them to step out of their stations, and advise in things that belong not to them.
• 3. In consulting with others for-light, regard would be had to the different talents of mens, and most regard should be had in matters of soul exercise, to those whom the Lord has sitted with endowments that way: in mat­ters of government, most regard should be had to those whom the Lord has sitted that way.
• 4. In judging if such are likliest to know the Lord's mind, who walk the most closely, we should consider, when we judge of the closeness of walk, not only what men's walk is, but what their temptations are; for one's walk may be much influenced that way, and grace may be more in one in whom it appears not so much, than in others who appear to have more, when the one's grace is continually tried with floods of temptations plunging on it, and the other's is free.

Observe, Ministers for most part are more shaken about the truths of religion, and the foundations, than about their own state: people more about their state than about the truths of religion. Ministers are helped to clear peo­ple, as to what they are straitned abouts; and people are, or may be helpful to ministers in what they are in the dark about. Thus they mutually excel, and are excelled; to humble botli, and keep both in their stations.

To sind duty in difficult cases.

I was much refreshed with somewhat that occurred, clearing up soubt to me, when at a stand which way to choose.

• 1. There it evera bias to one way or other.
• 2. Seek to get that removed, and cry that God may bring your heart to an equal willingness to take either, or neither way.
• 3. When this is attained to, then use reason, and take the most feasible way; and,
• 4. Cry to him [...]sat he may put a stop, if ye be ont of the road.
• 5. It the Lord afford light in any other particular way, [Page 168]use it; but mind to seek light soberly, use it tenderly, and be wary in the application of it.

Of legal preaching.

I saw the evil of legal preaching, which lies in one of two things, or in both—1. In laying to much stress upon the works of the law, our duties and strength: Or, 2, In pressing evangelical doctrines without an eye to that which is the spring of the church's edification, the Spirit of the Lord. Some press to duties, so that they seem to think, that their reasonings are able to enforce a compliance; or at least, they do not take care to keep up upon them­selves, and hearers both a constant sense of the contrary, in order to engage in eagerness in dependence upon the Spirit of the Lord: This is legal preaching. O Lord, thou knows how much of it is in the church. The gospel glory is, that it is the ministration of the spirit: The great pri­vilege of believers is, that the Lord manifests himself to them, as he does not to the world. When he manifests his authority in the command, it is then powerful: When he manifests his goodness and truth in the promise, it is full of sweetness: When he manifests his wrath in the threat­ening, it awes the soul: When he manifests his glory in the face of Christ, it is ravishing, reforming, attracting.

Atheism the root of sin.

Two thing I shall note, 1. The Lord gave me a sweet discovery this day in lecture, of the athelsm of the hearts of men, in rejecting the word, (notwithstanding there are more, and more evident prints of God on it, than on all his other works of creation), because they cannot get through some difficultier in it; whereas there are many more difficulties in the works of God: The light where by this was s [...]t home and illutrated in: particular instan­ces, was sweet. 2. Some days ago, reading Enod ix. and x. chapters, and finding this, that yet may [...]w that I am God, frequently repeated, and elsewhere in places innumerable, [...]as the end of God's [...] manifesting himself in his word and works: I observe from it, that atheism is deeply rooted even in the Lord's people, seeing they need to be taught this so much.

[Page 169] That it is a high attainment in religion, to win to know that God is the Lord, (Dent. iv. 35.); and to believe that all sin is resolvable in darkness and unbelief, as to this one point, that God is the Lord, and consequently, that all sin is reducible to atheism.

That the great difficulty which the whole of the divine revelation grapples with, is Atheism; and that its struggle is to recovery man to his first imprestions of a God. This one point comprehends the whole of man's recovery; as atheism the whole of man's apostacy.

The Lord saw meet to bring him through many sharp trials, and to keep him under much soul exercise, in the vicissitudes of discouraging damps and refreshing re [...]ls, upon his own spirit; that in his ministerial station he might, from his own experience, be the more capable of dealing suitably with others, according to their various cases and conditions: He also studied much a close ac­quaintance with his own state and frame, and was observ­ant of the Lord gracious dealings with him, as may be gathered from following short hints.

July 2d, 1702: The Lord, about this time, giving somewhat of a revival from a long deadness, I think [...]ay­self concerned to notice the means by which I obtained this benefit; and,

• 1. It was signally promoted by converse with lively Christians: At iron sharpeneth iron, so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend, Prov. xxvii. 17.
• 2. By some heavy strokes laid on me, the Lord did chas­ten me, and, in some measure, teach me out of his law.
• 3. By terrible providences with respect unto the public, the Lord did awaken me in some measure: Awake, sleep­er, call on the name of thy God, Jonah i. 6.
• 4. The Lord providentially brought unto my hands some papers, containing the exercise of some noted Christians, wherein I saw how sar short I was of others, and also not a sew of the causes of my sadly withered and de­cayed case: For this shall every godly one pray unto thee, in a ti [...] when thou mayest be found, Psal. xxxii. 6.
• 5. By some discovery of the vanity of my sweetest en­joyments: Therefore I will go and return unto my first hus­band; for then it was better with me than now, Hos. ii. 7.
• [Page 170] 6. By leading me to some subjects which I chused for others, wherein my own case was also remarkably touched, the Lord did in some measure awaken me: Thus while with David, I heard only a parable at first, I was quickly told in the end, that I was the man.

March 11, 1705: This day I preached on my ordina­ry; I was far out of order: Lerd pity and shine on me. At night I was somewhat refreshed in family worship, in meditation on my cafe, I saw unbelief to be the root of all my misery, and was broken on account of it; I cried to the Lord for relief against it, and that be might ma­nifest himself to my soul: Lord hear. I was much griev­ed [...] this, that in a time when so many [...]ange evils abound, there should be such a strange stupidity on my spirit, that I could not mourn for the dishonour done to God; I cried for a spirit of supplication and repentance.

April 7th, 1705: I was much disordered to body this day, and in little case for any work through indisposition, till towards seven at night, and then I was a little relieved, as to bodily disorder, and began to think of preparing for the Sabbath; and bowing my knees to prayer, I was su [...] of perplexity, the Lord hid himself, and my spirit was like to sink, I complained, and my spirit was [...]whelmed. I got no relief till after I had made some preparation for the work of the Subbath, and then my spirit was refresh­ed with that scripture, Heb. x. 17, 70. Having therefore, brethren, boldu'ss to enter into the holi [...] by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he buth consecrated for us through the vail, that is to say, his flesh; which I a little explained in my sermon: Hereby I found my mind com­posed; but, O that it were with me as in months past!

His case for some time.

April 17th, 1705: I was much disordered in body till towards night, then I began to muse on the state of mat­ters betwixt God and my soul, and finding, 1. A great withdrawing of influences in duty, in secret, in fami­ly, in public. 2. Hereon deadness followings. And: 3. Hereon a languishing of all grace: And that, 4. Not­withstanding many loud calls to diligence, and to aim at more than ordinary nearness to God; I hereupon [...] ­solred [Page 171]in the Lord's strength to enquire into the causes, and cry for light as so them.

July 5th, 1705: This morning in prayer, the Lord pointed out further the evil of a neglect of distinct ex­ercise about the, guilt of sin, I shall represent the sweet discovery in the following hints.

My case was discovered: 1. I felt deadness. 2. Wea­riness in duty. 3. Aversion following hereon. 4. Dead­ness of spirit for ordinary.

Canses of present deadness.

1. As to the guilt of sin, the sease of it impaired. Hereon the discoveries of the want of spiritual strength, which flows from dae distinct observation of sins, weakened. 3. The sense of darkress likewise impaired. 4. Hereon the trade with Christ for light, forgivenness, and strength, decayed. 5. This trade being the great mean of en [...]ring Christ, and the sweetness of these com­munications [...]ng that which keeps up liveliness in duty; all these evils follow on the want of it, Bless, bless the Lord, O my soul,

Relief.

July 19th, 1705: This day the Lord shined on me in duty, my heart was much composed, satissied, and re­freshed, and in some measure made to hope for a revival. Glory, glory, glory to free grace in Christ.

July 29th, 1705: This day I was much refreshed with a view of the glory of the Lord Jesus in the ordinances: My soul was sweetened with a sense of his love, warm­ed and composed in preaching upon Philip. iii. 3.

February 24th, 1706; being the Lord's day, and he being to preach, his case he relates thus. In the morn­ing I was sore shaken about the truths of God, but came to peace as to what I was to speak in three things. Lord, thou hast sully satisfied me as to the after vanity and u [...] ­fatisfactoriness, of all other courses to satisfaction, as to our great concerns, besides that revealed in the gospel.

Lord, thou hast fully satisfied me, that supposing the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary, and full s [...]u [...]y [Page 172]as to all that I can desire, with respect to time and eter­nity in it.

Lord, thou hast given me that full and rational evi­dence for the truth of the gospel, far beyond what would in other things fully satisfy me; and therefore it must on­ly be the wretched unbelief of my heart that keeps me hesitating here. I will look for faith to the author of it. Of these three I am so fixed, that no power of temptation has been able to shake me.

All my doubtings flow from unbelief's power, that will not be suppressed without an overpowering sense of divine authority. I preached, and was helped in public wor­ship, being strengthered in body, and sweetened in spirit.

December 5th, 1706: Mediration on his taking a jour­ney from his own house, before the dawning of the day—

What a different case am I in now, from what I was a little whise ago! then I was in a pleasant habitation, fur­rounded with wife, children, conveniences; in a habita­tion well illuminated with pleasant light, whereby I saw my enjoyments, discerned the pleasantness of them, and their suitableness. I had necessaries, quiet of mind, and opportunity to retire to my closet to converse with God, wherewith I was refreshed.

But what a change do I now find! I am engaged in a journey, my is dark, I find it cold. Now when I turn thoughtful, I fear every where, fear where no fear is! Now use and custom turn me secure, and I fear not where there is fear; I see no danger, and begin to conclude there is none.

Have I not here a view of man's state in innocency, and his state when fallen?

But what a change do I find! Light begins to appeat! Had I never seen it, I should have had no notion of it! What a surprise is this? When did it begin? How did it grow? Where were my senses? Did not I look on, and yet I cannot see, and cannot tell how it began, nor whence! So is every one that is born of the spirit.

But sure it is, one thing I know, whereas I saw no­thing, now I see; I see where I am, what is near about me; I see where there is hazard, and where there is safe­ty, in the way I am in; but what is at a distance I yet [Page 173]perceive not: The first dawning of saving light is not per­ceivable in its rise, in its progress, but unquestionable in its effects and gives a view of the state I am at present in.

But a new scene appears, light grows, I see at a dis­tance, but men appear as trees, pleasant trees, delightful fields, men suitable to me, and friends appear as monsters seen with an imperfect light, my fears are quickened: And is it not so with young converts?

Light still increases, it grows, every new degree is in­conceivable, and we have no notion of the discovery it makes. What before was dark, was frightful, is now pleasant and agreeable. Imperfect views of the best things give but mis [...]apen notions; light increasing satisfies as to them. Eye bath not seen, Isa lxiv. 4.

Truly light is sweet; even before the sun is seen, light is great, and is pleasant, makes the way pleasant, and gives pleasant discoveries; but it cannot be, without sense, told or conceived, what satisfactory discoveries, what quickening warmth the noon day sun affords.

So [...]n self examination.

January 11th 1708: In the morning I arose greatly indisposed with a looseness, but somewhat relieved before I went to church; yet immediately after sermon seized with a vomiting. Lord, teach and lead me to some suit­able improvement.

Queries to be [...]sidered as to my private case.

• 1. Are daily sins, sins of infirmity, searched, observ­ed, weighed, mourned for?
• 2. Is there care taken, to exercise saith distinctly in or­der to the pardon of them?
• 3. Is peace taken, when not powerfully by the Lord spoken?
• 4. Does the impression of the necessity and excellency of Christ's blood decay?
• 5. Are the experiences of its use and efficacy distinct as before?
• 6. Am I formal in worship, duties secret, private, eraving blessing to meat, returning thanks, prayer, me­ditation, and reading, &c.
• [Page 174] 7. Is there due cate of educating my family?
• 8. Are tods observed, and suitably improver?
• 9. Is there d [...]e concern for the flock; and singleness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayer for the flock, visiting the fick, &c.?
• 10. Is there sy [...]p [...]thy with afflicted faints and churches?
• 11. Are the sins of the day mourned for?
• 12. Is the voice of the rod heard, calling 10, 1. De­niedness to relations, the dear [...]. 2. Deniedness to the would. 3. To life. 4. Preparation for death. 5. [...]pi­t [...]ality in duty.

January, 1799. In secret I looked up to God, and reviewed the state of my scul for the last year, since Ja­nuary 12, 1708:

• I. These queries had not been, alas! suitably regarded as they should.
• 2. Another year added, under many new calls to re­pentance and reformation, is not suitably improven.
• 3. Is not this the design of my present indisposition, to rebuke for this?
• 4. Ah! the power of remaining sin and enmity againt duty, appearing in diverting from secret duties, indispo­stion for them, and for spirituality of mind, meditation, self-examination, prayer, reading the word, and liveli­ness in them.
• 5. Is it not a rebuke for failures as to faithfulness in my station, that I am not put to silence?
• 9. Is there not a call, if the Lord spare, to give myself wholly to the duties of my general and particular calling?
• 7. May not this indisposition be a check from prosecu­ting scholastic studies, and invite to apply myself to a con­tinuation of my experiences.

Mericies I noticed this last year.

• 1. O tward: 1. Though the Lord has chastised fore, yet he has spared. 2. When my work did call for it, about my own and other's sacraments, I was strangely strengthened. 3. The Lord gives some prospect as to an issue of the conlusions of my worldly affairs. And here, 1. Not all at once; this might tempt me to decend no more, or turn slack. 2. Not till the Lord had long ex­ [...]cised [Page 175]with difficulties; this serves to humble and keep saber. 5. Le [...]t all this should not do, he holds the rod o­ [...] my head. O the goodness, mercy, and wisdom of God?
• 2. As to my soal's case, 1. The Lord kept from de­spoadency, though the di [...]emper I labour under fosters that evil, yet I was kept from folicitousocss as to events. 2. The Lord kept from being altogether secure and unconcerned, and kept up a desire of divine teaching while I was chas­ [...]ed. 3. I have been [...]ept composed, and in a watching frame, though much under hiding. 4. He has not al­together cease [...] to be a reprover. 5. Sometimes I have had some blinks of his [...], and hopes as to the issue. 6. Some evidences of more [...] ordinaty provi­dence about me and any conceres.
• 3. As to my family, 1. The Lord has preserved as. a God has increased it. 3. God has directed to ser­vants sober and concerned; and however flowly we mo [...]e, which I defire to lament before the Lord, yet we are de­siring to look the same way, as to c [...]r eternal con [...]rus; at least, there is none venting any thing of a dislike to either truth or godliness in my family. Ble [...]ed be God for these. Lord, forgive unthankfulness. Above ail, blessed be God for the gosped.

If the Lord spare me to labour among the people, the following truths offered in meditation, as most suitable to my case and theirs:

• 1. In the gospel there is the most sweet, hononrable, profitable, suitable, and in all re [...]pects satisfying offer and proposal made, A murr [...]age with the king's sen, &c.
• 2. In the event, the generality of them to whom this is made, even the more saber, that are not among the remnant that use the servants despitefully, reject it, will [...]t come, but male ex [...]ses.
• 3. An ondne regard to things, in their own place law­ful, it that which gives rise to this ill entertainment a­mong the sober sort of people, at least, this is that where­by they countenance themselves in that infidelity, which otherwise without blushing they could not continue in. I have married a wife, I have bought a yoke of oxen, a field, &c.
• [Page 176] 4. In times of prosperity, or wh [...] the church is under no preseat trial, even the godly may decay and turn se­cure, fall from first love, and with the foolislt virgins sleep.
• 5. The rise of this evil is to be carefully discovere [...]: 1. Remainders of enmity. 2. Change of condition, with the want of judgment how to give every duty its own place and time, so that one may neither justle out another, nor drive to a careless management, doing this, without leaving the other undone. 3. The cunning of Satan, en­forcing one duty to a neglect of another, as in Christ's temptation.

This night I got such [...]a view of my guilt, that nothing could have kept from despondency, but a view of that grace that cannot be measured; but is best conceived by that astonishing evidence of it, Rom. viii. 32. He that spared not his [...], 8 [...], but delivered him up for us [...]ll­bo [...]a shall be not with him also freely give an all things. In the view whereof I defire to live and die, and speed eternity.

At night I was much refreshed in converse about some of these things.

Clouds return after the rain: This in time of a sore fit of sickness impressed me. Lord keep me from security, mind, pity. Lord, thou knowest my frame.

His health was much broken for some years before his death, and somewhat of his exercise in sickness may be learned from the following instance.

October 12, 1709, I was siezed with a violent flux, at­tended with painsul gripings, in three days time I was brought to the gates of death; but it pleased the Lord to bless the means that were used, and it began to abate.

OBSERVES

The canses of the Lord's contending were many, all reducible to this one, wosul remissnefs in the tenor of my walk, and neglect to stir up my self to take hold of God, in the lively spiritual attendance on the Lord in all the ways of his appointment.

2. I found myself on the approach of the trouble at a great loss, the Lord hid himself, the Spiat breathed [...] an the promises; all was dark.

[Page 177] 3. I had a mollifode of pteffures, my worldly bufiness, my wise's condition with a child in her belly; there was no place as to these things, but to roll them over on the Lord. That which weighted me most, was, concern a­boot my soul's stare. As to this I observe,

4. That though I found not that comfortable evidence of it, that sometimes I have done, yet I [...]ist not quit this hold, That the Lord had made with me an everlesting covenant, &c. (2 Sam. xxiii. 5.) And though many chal­lenges from all hands surrounded me, I stood resolved to throw myself on free redeeming love, and to ventore my surviving wise and children on the Lord's tender mercies.

5. As to my trouble, God kept me, 1. Submissive justifying the Lord without repiming at my circumstances 2. He brought me off solicitude about events in a great measure, and to commit the disposul to Lord, crying for a removal of any aversion to the Lord's will.

6. As to my work, though I wanted not heavy chal­lenges, especially as to the want of secret wrestling, and that frequency in it, for the success of the word among my people, and their salvation; yet it was refreshing, (though I durst not trust in any thing but sovereign grace) that I durst say, in the fight of God, without heart con­demning, 1. That I was concerned to know the truth. 2. That I durst not vent my own conceits. 3. Nor did I keep back what might be prositable. 4. I preached what I resolved to venture my own soul on. And that, 5. I desired to preach home to consciences.

CHAP. V. Of his marriage, and conduct in his family.

MR. HALYBURTON had begun this head in the following words: This being also a considerable change in my lot, and God's providence being to be remarked, as in other things so in this, whereabout he is particularly concern­ed, a good wife being from the Lord, who sets the solita­ry in families; I shall notice som; things here.

• 1. At the same time the Lord did convince me, that [Page 178]it was not meet I should be alone, he also clearly convin­ced me, that a prudent wife is from the Lord; and there fore I looked, and cried to, and waited on the Lord sot direction, with that eminent freedom, assistance, and pre­paration of heart, as gave me some ground to hope, th [...] he would incline his car to hear.
• 2. My great difficulty was, as to the way whereby. I might know his mind, as to the person whom I was [...] chuse and fix upon. The command, be not unequally [...] ­ [...]ed together with [...]believers, in the strictest seuse, was powerfully impressed upon my soul, in so much, that [...] prospect of outward advantages whatsomever, could have swayed me to make choice of one whom I thought vold of the se r of God. But whether in my choice to p [...] ­ceed upon the information and testimony of godly pro­ceeder, and concurring providences justifying their te [...] mony, and clearing the way; or whether personal and particular acquaintance were not previously necessary, [...] my strait.
• 3. I inclined to think this last necesiary, which did whatever pretences it was supported withal, proceed from too much of a dependence on my own understanding, and that joined with a distrust of the providence of God; which was the beginning of my mistake.
• 5. The narrowness of my acquaintance, which was con­sined to a very few of that sex, increased my strait, and had a considerable influence into that wrong choice I made. The person I pitched on wanted not several things which I did dislike; yet she appearing to be more suitable than any of whom. I had acquaintance particularly; and falling at that time under some unusual concern about re­ligion, which she did impart to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way, and ground to hope the removal of what I disliked in her walk; upon which I did too hastily proceed in the proposal.
• 5. I durst [...]ever absolutely pray for success, but had great frecdom and liberty in pleading that the Lord would direct; and that if it were not for my spiritual advantage, it might be effectually crushed, and that my way might be hedged in.

Meanwhile, this gentlewoman carried on an intrigue [Page 179]with another, to whom she was clandeftinely married, and thereby, in the good providence of God, Mr. Halybur­ton was fairly disengaged. And being thus happily dis­appointed in this, he fought direction of God in reference to a design of marriage with another; and also set apart same time expresly to this purpose. An account whereof follows, as it was found written by himself.

December 13, 1700. This forenoon I set apart for prayer; and being to address God in reference to my proposal of marriage with J. W. I did judge it suitable that I should begin the work with some inquity into my own state, knowing that one unacquainted with Christ has no reason to expect an acceptance in prayer. Therefore, after some serious application to God in prayer for the assistance of his Spirit, to make a true discovery of the state of my [...]ul, I found it as follows:

With respect to God.

• 1. Under a full conviction, that life is in his faveur, Psal. xxx. 5. nay, his loving kindness is better than life, Psal. lxiii. 3.
• 2. The like conviction I was under, that my interest in his favour, admittance to, or acceptance with this God, is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator. God being one that will by no means clear the guilty, I being guilty; God being holy, I unholy; God a comsuming fire and I one, in respect of sin, meet to be de­roured: I cannot see God, without a mediator, and live.
• 3. That God, out of mere love, without regard to any thing in sinners, has been pleased to choose, furnish, and send into the world, the Lord Jesus Christ, as the mediator, through whom sinners might be accepted of him.

With respect to Christ.

Notwithstanding the frequent and lamentable prevalen­cy of sin against light, against resolutions, vows, engage­ments, strivings, and prayers; yet I must say, that no alteration of my condition has ever been able to shake me from under a conviction of the following particulars, since the Lord first convincod,

• [Page 180]1. That the Lord Jesus Christ is such a faviour, as be­came the grace, mercy, love, wisdom, holiness, righte­ousness, justice, and power of God to provide; and on the other hand, su h 2 saviour, as became sinner's needs, sheir desires, and therefore deserves their acceprance, as sit, suitable, sufficient to save all that come God through him, and that even to the at [...]ermost, his blood being able to cleanse from all sin, and the Spirit sufficient to lead [...] to all truth. God knows what heart refreshing sweetness I found in a view of the glory of God's wisdom, holi­ness, power, &c, in the face of Jesus Christ.
• 2. That I do need him in all his offices: at no time, either when things did go ill or better as to my sense, durst I, for my foal, think of patting his offices; God knows that my heart was as much reconciled to his king­ly as to his priestly office; and that it would for ever damp and sink me, were it not that he has a power, where­by he can captivate every thought to the obedience of him­self. His reign, God knows, I desire.
• 3. I dare appeal to the searcher of hearts, that it is my desire above all things to be found in him, &c. (Phil. iii. 9.10.) and never doth sin reduce me to that pass, that I dare admit a thought of the insufficiency of this way of salvation to save me, or of having recourse to any o­ther, or of abandoing this; but the more that sin pre­valls, the more I see the excellency, sufficiency, suita­bleness, and indispensible a [...]ssity of this way of salva­tion, and of my adherence to it, rejecting all othere.
• 4. All my hope as to freedom from that darkness, which is my burden, is from Christ's. prophetical office: and my hope of freedom from the guilt, pollution, and power of sin, and acceptation with God, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hopes of any mercy, in time or eternity, but only through him; it is through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of glory.

As to the law.

Notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that

• 1. I count all his commandments, concerning all things to be right.
• [Page 181] 2. That I desire inward, universal conformity to them all, withou: reserve, and that in their spiritual meaning and extens; as reaching all thoughts, words and actions, and even the most mi [...]ut [...] circumstances of these.
• 3. That I would not desire any alteration in any of his laws, but on the contrary, do see the greatest excelleancy in those of them, which cross my inclinations most; which,
• 4. Occasions at all times, when not ander the immedi­are violent in [...]hence and hurry of some impetuons temp­tation, an habitual and strong desire of conformity to God's law; my heart ever breathing, with. the Psalmitt, O that my ways were directed to keep thy statutes.
• 5. Since the commencement of this affair, particular­ly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exem­plisied in the life of pir Lord, who fulsilled all righte­wusness, doing always the things that pleased the Father, and more particularly in his absolute and unlimited sub­missions to the divine will, even in those things which did cross the natural inclination of his innocent nature. And though at sometimes I could scarce reach this sub­mission, in reference to this affair; yet, 1. I would be made submissive. 2. I look upon it as exceedingly amia­ble. 3. I desire it, and condemn myself, in as far as I come short of it.
• 6. God knows, I desire 'to hate every evil way,' and would be free from every sin.

As to my frame and success, I can say, I thought it issued in ca [...]ness and composure; and as to this affair, contrary to my positive resolution, I was carried out to be more peremptory than usua, as to the success, though under sears of a refusal; yea, though I had my spirit in a more submissive frame, yet now I was more peremp­tory as to the event, than when my heart was most ea­gerly set upon the thing.

January 17, 1701. This day was set apart by J. W. and m [...], at parting, to be kept in order to our obtaining a blessing upon our marriage.

In the morning I began this day with prayer, wherein I did endeavour to trace back sin to my very infancy, and found the Lord countenancing me, by bringing sin to remembrance. Lord, I have been in all sin; not one of [Page 182]thy commands but I have broken, and that almost in all instances, save that I have been kept from the outward acts, and no thanks to me that it is so; for Lord, thou knowest it was only thy restraining grace that kept me from any sin. O! how ignorant are they of their own natures, or else of how sar different natures from mine are they, that deny original sin; it may be, some of them, had they been acquaint with my way and manner from my youth, would have been apt to think me of a good nature, and not given to ill; but O how ignorant are they who think so! though I had not the ensnating influence of bad company to draw me aside, yet without tempta­tion I was inclined to sin, and that against nature's light, very early. Whatever others speak of their good na­tures, Lord, I must own mine sinful, and that all the maginations of the thoughts of my heart have been only evil from my youth up. When I look at my face in the glass of the holy law, Lord, how black is it! Nothing but sin wherever I set mine eye.

The Lord helped me to confess sin, and did thereby give a fresh sight of the need of Christ in all his offices, of his excellency, sufficiency, and suitableness; and drew out my sou! solemnly to accept of him, renouncing all o­ther ways of salvation, devoting myself in my station, as a minister, to him, waiting for, and expecting from him (according to his most gracious promise and office, as the Prince exalted to give gists to men), such supplies of gifts and grace, as are needful for my faithful acquittance in the discharge of that office. Likewise I did solemnly de­vote myself in this new relation I was to enter in, to him, pleading, that he would not contend with either of us for the sins of our single life, that he would make us holy, and grant us to walk before him, and that he would bless us with all the comforts of a married state, fitting us every way for one another.

In my second address to God by prayer, the Lord gave me much sweetness and enlargement, in reference to that particular, for which I set apart this day. Blessed be God for his Spirit's directing what to pray for, and assisting in prayer; I hope this shall be comfortable: When be prepares the heart to pray, he inclines the ear to hear.

[Page 183] I looked on it as a part of the duty of the day, to search into my state; and after serious application to God for his Spirit, that saer [...]bes the deep things of God, to assist me, I pitched on the following evidences of the Lord's gracious work upon me.

1st. The Lord has given me by his Spirit some discove­ry of my sin; and here the Spirit has been,

• 1. Particular; he has fixed upon innumerable particu­lar sins of different sorts, fixing mine eye upon time, place and circumstances.
• 2. He has been very full; letting me see myself guil­ty of all sin: This day he took me to all the commands, and did clearly lay before me innumerable breaches of every one.
• 3. He has discovered to me the sins of all the different periods of my life, infancy, childhood, and youth.
• 4. He has discoverd to me spiritual evils, selfishness, pr de, unbelief, and aversion from God.
• 5. He has given me a broad sight of the sin of my na­ture, as the root of all these things, an amaxing discovery of its enmity to God, of its propensity to every sin, of its impotency and aversion to every good thing, of the utter impossibility that ever it should lead me to any thing that is really good.
• 6. The Lord has diseovered the guilr and hatefulness of those sins, so that I have been made to loath myself on account of them.

2dly. The Lord has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliess which nature leads to, and that, first, as to the guilt of sin, he has made me see, that my duties can­not sa [...] and I hope he has taken me off from resting upon them: For,

• 1. Under disquietments occasioned by sin, nothing, save Christ, could quiet me; duties have rather increased than allayed it, when looked to.
• 2. The Lord, when I have been most assisted in duties, took such care to guard me against this, that he then al­ways opened mine eyes to see a world of sin in them. And here,
• 3. I have been made, with as much concern, to desire to be saved from my best dutics, as ever I was from my worst sins. And,
• [Page 184] 4. The Lord, from the discoveries he made to me of my heart's inclining to lay some stress, at sometimes, up­on duties, when spiritually performed has stirred up in my soul a jealousy of my heart in this particular.
• 5. As to the power of sir, by manifold sad experien­ces, I found it too hard for my prayers, rows, tears, re­solations, &c. so oft has this been selt, that I have been brought to an otter despair of relief this way.
• 6. The Lord has been pleased to determine my heart to choose the way of falvation revealed in the gospel through faith's [...]ceptance of, and resting on Christ Jesus for wi [...]om, [...], sanctisication, and redemption: this the Lord brought me to approve of,

• 1. As the only way of obtaining those things.
• 2. As a way full of admirable wisdom.
• 3. As a way full of wooderful love.
• 4. As a way of great peace and secority to si [...]ers.
• 5. As a way suited to give glory to God.
• 6. As a way suited to honour Christ.
• 7. As a way suited to honour the Spirit of God.
• 8. As a way suited to honour the law.

Now, in all these particulars, I thought this way in­comparable; and my approbation of it was evident, in that I sound,

• 1. Every day my detestation of all other ways to in­crease.
• 2. I found every day the necessity of this way. And,
• 3. I found, that the more I locked at it, the more I loved it, and admired it, as fuil of all things that can make it defirable.
• 4. I found in myself an approbation of the law, and holiness of God in it. I am now satissied, t [...] the law is holy, juft, good, and spiritual. The carnal mind is en­mity against God, it not subject to the law of God, neither can be. But blessed be God, that enmity I once had at the law of God, is removed.

Evidences of that [...]mity.

• 1. I found in my mind a stated dislike at spiritual-mind ednefs, and at the laws enjoining it.
• 2. I had a complacency in being freed from all attead­ance upon duty.
• [Page 185] 3. I would fain [...]are had some of God's laws altered, &c.

Evidences of its re [...]al.

• 1. The Lord did remarbably reconcile my heart to these laws, which formerly I would gladly have had al­tered, so that I would not have these by any taken away. And this is the stronger proof, in regerd that, 1. I find these fins deeply rooted in my nature, which these laws do cross. 2. I have manifold temptations to them. 3. I have it to regret, that I am too oft overcome by them.
• 2. When I fear hell and damnasion on account of my [...]aches of the law, yet God knows this never occasions such dislike, as fear of offending him; see Rom. vii. 10, 11, 12.
• 3. I do desire no alteration, no change to be made of the law; God knows, I would have my heart brought to it, and not it to my heart.
• 4. I sind a constant [...]ame and selt loathing for short­co [...]ing and want of conformity to it, and that in these instances wherein none, save God and my own con­science, are witnesses.
• 5. I sind ext [...]ordin [...]ry satisfaction, when any degree of conformity to it is attained.
• 6. The ordinary and serious breathing of my soul, is such as that of the Psalmift's, in the c [...]ix. Psalm throughout.

Upon these grounds I do conclude, that the Lord has wrought faith in me, and therefore will save me; and complete what concerns me; and because he has deter­mined me to choose him, therefore I dare call him, my God, my sac [...] my sanctifier. The Lord did this day help to plead for strength against sin; and my God will hear me: I have reason when I have done all, to say, I have nothing, I cannot serus the Lord.

In the beginning of this affair, in March 1700, I was consident to meet with a disappointment, I was reiched to quit it, and did so for some time: God by one means or other broke all my projects to turn away: he kept me intent in observing providences, he gave me [...] ep­portunity, directed to means I had not [...] prevented my sears as to those which I [...] posite.

[Page 186] After I had the greatest prospect of encouragement, I met with discouragements, and then encouragement when least expected.

I have been kept off means, kept low as to thoughts of myself, and kept in dependence on God as to the islue.

The thoughts of which things made me with much sweetness promise good at the hand of God.

In prosecution of his purpose, he was married at E­dinburgh, January 23, 1701.

As God blessed him with him children it was his con­stant practice to devote them to Lord: He was much in prayer for his family, submitting all his and their con­cerns to the divine disposal, as to life, health, &c. But most earnest was he for their soul's eternal welfare; an instance hereof follows.

March 1705: An account of my exertise, with r [...]spect to my youngest child's soul's state, a girl of eleven m [...]hs old, represented in a sew remarks.

• 1. When two years ago my son died surprifingly in the birth, I was much concerned in desiring some sati [...]saction as to his eternal state, but obtained no particular promise at that time, save only. 1. That I was made to bles [...]. God, that I had no ground to sear the worst, as I might have had it he had been come to age. 2. I was made to look to the extensive promise of the covenant that in to us and our children. 3. I had peace in this, that I had devoted him to the Lord as soon as I found him to live in the belly.
• 2. When this child sell into a languishing sickness, and death began evidently to be threatened, I was put to more close exercise about her eternal state.
• 3. I was sometimes much enlarged in her behalf, bu [...] was unwilling to rest here, but humbly desired, that the Lord would give me some ground from the word to hope as to her.
• 4. That I might not be wanting in the use of the means of the Lord's appointment, I consulted books, and the experience of such of the Lord's people as I had ac­cess t, to see what I might expect, but found no satis­faction; yet I resolred to wait on the Lord, and cried [...] him.
• [Page 187] 5. When I cried to him, I found for a considerable time no answer, but heavy challenges; 1. For not observing returns by the word as I should have done. 2. For not seeking more this way, and resting too easily without this. 3. For not studying the word so much as I should. Thus the Lord dealt with me as with Israel, Judges vi. 7.—10. when they cried, before be sent deliverance, he sent a repr [...]of.
• 6. 'The Lord, further to humble me, trysted me with several a [...]lictions, my wife's frailty and my own.
• 7. When I was in this distress, I cried to the Lord, and in prayer he relieved me, by that passage, Mark x. 13— 16. Suffer little children to come unto me: as to which I remark, I. While I was in prayer, crying for merey to the child, it was then suggested. And, 2. The Lord let me see in it, that it was the parents who brought their children to Christ, desirous of his blessing of them. 3. The disciples were against Christ's taking notice of them, or putting any particular mark of respect on them. 4. But Christ rebuked them, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and sorbid them not. Though the diseiples would not have us to expect any evidence of the Lord's special love to young ones, yet the Lord is of another mind. 5. The Lord approved of the parents bringing, and blessed the children. 6. Here the Lord calarged me, helped me to rely on him, that he would put his hand on the child and bless her, and hereby quieted my soul, and filled me with thanksolness; and I was reliev­ed as to the child that is gone, and this that is dying: Bless, bless, bless the Lord, O my soul; be prepares the heart to pray, and he will incline the ear to bear. Re­member the word an which thou c [...]se [...]t me to hope.

April 11. The child died: Blessed be God I have had a child to give at his call, and blessed be the Lord that be heiped me to give her willingly.

Another instance at the death of his son George, March 23, 1717. The Lord's day, a day to be remembered by me, a day wholly spent in prayer and praise, an intro­duction to life: O my soul, never forger what this day I felt, I reached. My soul had smiles that almost wast­ [...]d nature. My kind colleague and I prayed alternately: [Page 188]O such a sweet day! About half an hour after the Sab­bath, my child, after a sharp conslict betwixt nature and the disease, slept pleasantly in Jesus, to whom pleasantly he was oft given.

Mer [...]ies and grounds of hope.

• 1. The Lord from the beginning fixed the eye on him­self, and kept submissive and dependent as to the child.
• 2. In the entry, the Lord brought the disease pleasant­ly on; gave him astonishing patience, when for several days and nights he slept none.
• 3. The Lord gave warning by this, that though the child, I doubt, scarce knew his mother's name or mine before, but named us always and only father and mother; in his sickness, when asked who we were? He answered, Thomas Halyburton and Janet Watson: Here the rela­tion was disowned, which struck me at the first, and I thought the relation was loosed. His mother one day asked him, why he called her so? But he returned no answer.
• 4. I asked him some days after he took it, George, would you be well and live, or die and go to hea­ven? I expected a child's answer; but he readily, and more readily than was consistent with his usual way of speaking, said, "I will go to heaven." I had herein some check for not being serious enough in the question; and his death I expected.
• 5. I had all this winter been extraordinary helped in crying for mercy to the children; and any blinks I had, and loosing of my bonds, was when I did point prayer this way; oft got I freedom to throw them on sovereign grace, oft to speak to them directly from the word at night, and never more than about a month before this, from Jacob's last word's: I thought now God was to take a trial in the tenderest point, whether I should stand to it, and hold by the oft repeated resignation.
• 6. I could not find freedom in seeking the child's life, but much in crying for mercy to him, and a token for good.
• 7. When he first fell ill, the burden was great on my spirit, till that night after my kind coll [...]ue and I had communed with much weight about the present state of [Page 189]the church, and of religion in this place; concern for the Lord's interest got far the ascendant in my heart, and my own dearest concerns sunk; and from that time the Lord scattered clouds, and comforted me, as to my present weighty concern for the child: and that, 1. In giving me enlargement to bless him, that I had no positive grounds to call in question his state. Again, 2. The Lord gave me to lay stress on his command of bringing little ones to him: nay, he caused me to hope or that word, and on the reach of the promise to children. 3. The nearer to his end, the more loosed I was from him, the more che [...]ful my resignation, sub [...]ission, and humble consi­dence, resreshing, purifying, and quickening my spirit.
• 4. The Lord led both me and others to express confi­dence; we could not avoid it. My kind colleague and I spent the whole day in prayer with and for him; and he in his turn, praying jost when the child was dying, even could not hold short of this, We [...]sire to believe, we hope, [...]ay, we are confident he is [...]nteving into glory.
• 5. Whereas he had been free of the fighting and roving for sorty-eight hours before his death, he came to have some little siruggles at last, though without contortions; I was put to cry for pity as to this, and that as a token for good, and was heard. 6. That same grace that pre­pared the heart to pray, inclined the car to hear, kept the soul cheerfully to resignation, and not only composed, but sweetened our spirits; so that before his death, praye [...] were well nigh made up of praises, and he was set off with thanksgiving.

CHAP. VI. Of his entering upon the profession of divinity.

THE place of professer of divinity in the new college in the university of St. Andrews being vacant, a proposal was once and again made to Mr. Halyburton, of procuring him a patent for that post; but he gave no encouragement to it, resolving to be no way the dispo­ser of his own lot. And in December 1709, being ad­vertised, that her majesly's patent was granted in his fa­vour, [Page 190]he said, Lord crush it, if it is not for thy glory. Herein I have peace, that I had no hand is it.

The queen's patent being expeded, the college there, upon applied unto the presbytery of Coupar, for getting Mr. Halyburton loofed from his pastoral relation to the parish of Ceres, in order to his being settled professor in divinity in St. Audrews: But that reverend judicatory did, in February 1790, reser the affair to the provinci [...]l sypod of Fise, which was to meet at St. Andrews in April thereafter; and the matter being grav [...]ly debated before the synod, and the people of Ceres fully heard in what they had to say, the desire of the college upon her majes­ty's patent was granted, without a contradictory vote.

Upon the whole, Mr. Halybarton had the following [...]ections: As to this affair, it sce [...]s to be of the Lord: For,

• 1. The first rise of it was without any thing, so much as a thought, in me.
• 2. The Lord crossed all other attempts, and disappoint­ed other prospects which they had to others.
• 3. The Lord kept my spirit, and held me so by the hand, that I durst give no insinuation or encouragement that way.
• 4. The desires of many that feared the Lord run this way.
• 5. The Lord laid his hand on me, and therein see [...]ed to say, I was not like to be able for the work in the pro­sent large congregation.
• 6. As the Lord began it with me, so be did carry it on, over obstructions remarkably enough.
• 7. I had no reason to doubt the singleness of any con­cerned, and who [...]cted in it.
• 8. When I began to compare the tract of the Lord's dealing with me, and the course of my studies, I could deny, that there might be something in it.
• 9. My people, whenever the matter appeared, began to saint.
• 10. Their consciences were affected with the prepon derating evidence of the reasons, as was mine; though inclination lay cross.
• 11. The Lord condescended to bring the matter to a decision of the most competent judicatory.
• [Page 191] 12. The Lord condescended to clear me as to submis­ [...]. 1. By that which I resolved, after serious eyeing the Lord, viz. that since there was a present harmony between me and the congregation, I should go as far [...] they inclined. 2. This being proposed in a full meeting, ( [...]iz. of the elders), they all unanimously declared they [...]signed to acquiesce in the fentence of the synod. 3. It was my desire to the Lord, that there might be some [...] of the Lord attending the determination; and I dare not deny, but that even beyond expectation, to the conviction of all my own people, there was, 1. Evident­ [...] a great weight on the spirits of the members about light. 2. The Lord was remarkably with Mr. Hog, who prayed before the vote. 3. When I retired, I cried to the Lord, that if the matter was not for his glory, he might put a remarkable stop to it: If it was, that he might carry it on in a way, that might give evidence of himself. 4. The synod inverted the course of the rolls, [...]ing St. Andrews and Coupar last, that two presbyte­ries, that were not interested, might be first. 5. There was not one contradictory vote; only the presbytery of Coupar forbore to vote, because they could not vote a­gainst the transportation, and would not irritate the pa­ [...]ish. 6. When all this was intimated, it was done with a convincing light, by Mr. Grierson, the moderator pro tempore. The will of the Lord be done. I had peace and composure in my own mind, the Lord condescending even beyond expectation. Now, Lord, fit for what thou dost evidently call to.

Upon April 26th, 1710, he was, by the principal of the new college, admitted professor of divinity there; and delivered his inaugural discourse in confutation of an [...]heistical pamphlet, intituled, Epistola Archimedis ad re­gem Gelomern.

Being admitted professor, he enjoyed not much sound health in the exercise of that office: For in the begin­ning of April 1711, he was suddenly seized with a dan­gerous pleurisie, which obliged his physicians to take from him a vast quantity of blood. And though he was reliev­ed of that disease, yet he never fully recovered his for­mer strength, by reason of the indisposition of his sto­mach, [Page 192]and frequent vomiting, which prevented the re­gular supply of blood for the nourishment of his body. Hereupon ensued, in the following winter, a coldness, swelling and stiffness in his legs, with frequent and ex­cessively painful cramps. But besides his bodily indisposi­tion, the grievances of the church of Scotland did not a little add to his trouble. His spirit was much weighted with the melancholy news of the toleration, and ic [...]or­ing the power of presentations unto patrons, and [...] less with the improsing of the eath of abjuration upon ministers, from the apprehensions he had of the sad effects that might follow upon their different sentiments about the Jaw fulness of that oath. He freely declared his own opinion in the meeting of the synod at St. Andrews, April 1712. And in conferences of the presbytery upon that matter, he ad­vised, that ministers, after all due means of information, should act according to their light. But what he especial­ly endeavonred to inculcate, as he had access, was that the difference among them about the meaning of an ex­pression in that oath, gave-no just ground for any aliena­tion of affection, or for division and sepatation, either a­mong ministers or people.

An account of some of the last words of the reverend Mr. THOMAS HALYBURTON, professor of divinity in St. Andrews, on his death bed, September,—1712.

WEDNESDAY, September 17th, when a friend came and asked him in the morning, how he had rested the by gone night? He answered, not well; and told, he had this night been sore tossed with the thoughts of eternity; but, said he, I dare not say they were dis­tractiag. My evidences are much clouded indeed. I have been thinking on terribilia Dei, [i. c. the terrible things of GOD], and all that is difficult in death to a saint. All my enemies have been round about me. I have had a great conflict, and faith like to fail. O! that I may be kept now in this last trial, that is ensuing, from being an offence to his people.

[Page 193] Afternoon, when some of his brethren came in to visit him, he said to them, I am but young, and have little experience; but this death-bed now makes me old; and therefore I use the freedom to exhort you to faithfulness in the Lord's work. Ye will never repent this. He is a good master; I have always sound him so; if I had a thousand lives, I would think them all too little to em­ploy in his service.

All this whole day, and some days preceding, he was under a cloud and desertion.

September 18, when a friend returned to ask him how he was, in the morning; he broke silence with these words, O what a terrible conflict had I yesterday! But now I can say, I have sought the good fight, I have kept the faith. Now he has filled my mouth with a new song, Jebovah jireb, in the mount of the Lord, &c. Praise, praise [...] comely for the upright. Shortly I shall get another sight of God than ever I had, and be more meet to praise him than ever. O the thoughts of an incarnate God are sweet and ravishing! and O! how do I wonder at myself, that I do not love him more, that I do not admire him more. O that I could honour him! What a wonder that I enjoy such composure under all my bodily trouble, and in view of approaching death! O what a mercy that I have the use of my reason till I have declared his goodness to me!

To his wise he said, He came to me in the third watch of the night, walking upon the waters, and he said to me, I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, I was drad and am alive, and live for evermore, and have the keys of bell and death; and added, he stilled the tempest, [...]ad O there is a sweet calm in my soul!

Thereafter, when defired to be tender of his health, he said, I'll strive to last as long as I can, and I'll get my rest ere it be long. I have no more to do with time, but to trap [i. e. spend it thristily and piece-meal] it out for the glory of God.

Then he said, I'll see my Redeemer stand on the earth at the last day; but I hope to sec him before that, the Lamb in the midst of the throne. O it will be a bonny [beautifulcompany: The spirits of just men made per­fect, and Jesus the mediator of the cover [...]! O for [Page 194]grace, grace to be patient to the end. Then he desired a minister to pray.

After prayer, he called for a little water to wash his eyes, and said, I hope to get them washen, and made like dove's eyes; and then farewel fin, farewel sorrow.

In a little, when taking some refreshment, he said, ye see I am eating heartily here. I get sleep from him, and I get food and drink from him, and I'll get himself. My heart and my [...] sai!: But God in the [...] of my heart, and my portion for ever &c. but we have need of patience.

When one said, keep the light of the window from him, it may hurt his eyes; he said, Truly light is [...], and a pleasant thing to behold the sun, the Sun of righ­teousness. O brave light, where the Lamb is the light of that temple! We cannot have a conception of it now; eye hath not seen, nor car heard, &c.

Seeing his younger child, he caused bring her to him, and said, Mady, my dear, the Lord bless you; the God of your father, and of my father, bless you; the God that sod we all my life, the Angel that redeemed me from all evil, bless you, and the rest, and be your portion. That is a goodly heritage, better than if I had crowns and sceptres to leave you. My child I got you from him, and I give you to him again.

To his wife he said, My dear encourage yourself in the Lord; he will keep you, though you even come a­mong enemies hands; surely he will cause the enemy to treat you well. And then declaring his willingness to part with his dearest relations, he said. This is the prac­tice of religion, sirs; this is a practical part of religion to make use of it when we come to the pinch: This is a lesson of practical divinity.

When the physician came in, he said, Is my pulse weak, doctor? Ans. Yes; but I have seen it as weak. Then he said, Doctor, as to this piece of work, you are near an end with it. I wish you may lay it to heart; it will come to your door too: And it is a business of great mo­ment to die like a Christian. And it is a rarity. Christ himself has told us, that there are but few that shall be saved, even among them who are called outwardly. I [Page 195]wish the Lord himself may shew you kindness. The great­est kindacss I am now capable to shew you, is to com­mend serious religion to you. There is a reality in re­ligion, doctor; this is an age that hath lost the sense of it. He has not said to the house of Jacob, seek ye may sace us vain. Atheisis will see one day, whether it be so or­not.

I bless God I was educated by godly parents, in the: principles of the church of Scotland: I bless him, that when I came to riper years, I did, on mature delibera­tion, make them my choice: I bless the Lord I have been helped ever since to adhere to them, without wa­vering: I bless him I have seen, that holiness yields peace and comfort in prosperity and adversity: What should I seek more, or desire more, to give evidence of the reality of it? Therefore, I am not ashamed of the gos­pol of Christ; because it is the power of God to salvation to every one that believeth. I am so far from altering my thoughts of religion, by reason of the present contempt thrown on it, and opposition made to it, that this endears it the more to me.

As to the simplicity of gospel worship, many must have gaudy pomp now a days in worship; it is an evi­vidence of the decay of religion; for when folk want the power and spirituality of it, they must have something to please the carnal heart. This is my sense of it; and it is the words of truth and soberness; and I speak as being shoaly to appear in judgment; and hope to give an ac­count of this with joy, as a part of the testimony of Jesus.

Well, doctor, the Lord be with you, and persuade you to be in earnest. I return you thanks for you dili­gence. Is my pulse low? Ans. Yes. He replied, I am very well pleased. I would have been content to have bean away long ere now. I found my spirits failing. It is but a few strokes more, and victory, victory for ever­more, through the Captain of our salvation.

After a pause, he said, Every one that is in Christ Je­sus must be a new creature; He must have union with Christ, and a new nature: That is the ground work of religion. The Christian religion is little understood by the most part of us.

[Page 196] O the gospel of Christ, how purely was it preached in this place, when I was at the university! though I found not the sweetness in the time, when I heard others preach on these subjects, I found it since; and it has fallen on me like showers on the mown grass; vetily, there is a reality in religion: Few have the lively impres­sions of it.

Now get acquaintance with God; the little acquaint­ance I have had with God within these two days, has been better than ten thousand times the pains I have all my life been at about religion. It is good to have him to go to, when we are turning our face to the wall: He is known for a refuge in the palaces of Zion, a very present help in trouble.

O there is a strange hardness in the heart of man! I believe there are few men come to age, but, when they see others dying, have a conviction that they must die, and yet are not duly affected with it. It is like one rising from the dead, what they meet with. But they have Moses and the prophets; if they will not hear then, neither would they hear, though one should rise from the dead. We must have an ear from God before we can hear. Ye hear not my words, says Christ, because ye are not of God. However, Whether [...]olk will hear, or whe­ther they will forbear, it is our duty, whom the Lord I as employed to preach his gospel, to speak his word: And when we are dead and rotten, what we speak of his word to the name of the Lord, it will take bold of them.

We must have patience to wait till he come. Yet a lit­tle while, and be that shall come, will come, and will not tarry; and till he come, the just shall live by saith: But if any man draw back, says the Lord, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. To point once heavenward, and then draw back, is a dangerous thing.

We are foolish creatures, we would have all the trial at our disposal, and limit the Lord as to the circumstan­ces of our trial. Why should I complain of a little trou­ble in lying on the bed? Blessed be God, there is an everlasting rest. Y [...]a, Christ hath perfumed a bed of languishing, and a grave; he has unstinged death.

To some, at another time, he said, enemies in this [Page 197]place will be insulting over me, but I am not afraid of that; but that which fills me with fears, is a misimprov­en gospel in St. Andrews. St. Andrews has finned a­gainst as clear gospel-light as ever shone in the isle of Bri­tain. I remember, when I was at the college, O how much of God was there in the preached gospel! I had my part in the misimprovement of it.

Afterwards, to his children he said, My bairns, I have nothing to say to you, but be seekers of God, fulfil my joy. Ah! that I was so long of beginning to seck God; and yet I was touched with convictions that God was seeking me ere I arrived at the years of some of you.

To his eldest child he said, Ay, Margaret, you seem sometimes to have convictions, [...]eware of them, they are the most dangerous things that ever you meddled with; for if you seek not God, each of them is God's messenger; and if you despise God's messenger he will be avenged on you. My bird, seek the Lord, and be your mother's comfort.

In the forenoon, to a gentlewoman he said, Madam, I wait for the supplies of the Spirit of the Lord Jesus, whereby I may be able to finish my course with joy. I began a text at Ceres, (being his farewel sermon), and smiling, said, I sticked it, I went not through with it. When I came to St. Andrews, I began where I left at Ceres, I go bound to Jerusalem, &c. Acts xx. 22, 23. The point I past was, ‘Ministers may have a clear c [...]ll to work in a place even where they have the certain prospect of difficulties, and winnowing trials;’ which I discoursed here. I was very clear of God's calling me hither, come of it what will, whether I signify any thing or not. What would befal me I did not know, I had a very dark prospect, especially from this place, that had so much despised gospel light; and that when he was taking away his servants here, it made me tremble to think that wrath was coming, and that I could do no­thing to hold it off; I can signify nothing. The Lord help, I wish for Jerusalem's peace and joy.

I have nothing to do with my li [...]e, but yet to teap it, that I may lay it out for my God, for it is my duty to do it. What had I been if the grace of God had not [Page 198]been revealed in the gospel! He has brought life and im­mortality to light. One said, Keep your gripes to the last; Satan is busy. He answered, I have had trial of it already. O! sober, sober religion is necessary. I was often stealing from the Lord: but blessed be his name, he made me lay it down again with shame, and to cry, Not I, &c. 1 Cor. xv. 10. I was ay afraid in public on that account.

He caused read one of Mr. Rutherford's letters, (viz. to Mr. John Mein, [...] letter), and thereafter faid, That is a book I would [...]mmend to you all; there is more practical religion in that letter, than in a book of large volumes.

To a minister that came in, he said, I am lying wait­ing for the salvation of God; who said, mind what I spoke to you anent Mr. Anderson, how gracicus the Lord had been to him, taking him away before these heart­breaking providences that have fallen cut since. He re­plied, I know there is a better end of it; the cause that is down will not bide down; I said it, I will venture my soul on it, Say to Zion, thy God reign [...]th. Kings and mi­nisters of state, that build their state on the ruins of Zion, they and their buildings shall be ruined and perish, and their memorial with them. One said, if the Lord would spare you, it would be a mercy to the place; the apostle says, Phil. i. 23, 24. To abide in the flesh, &c. He an­swered, What can a poor wretch signify? I'll tell you, brother, what I have thought a year and a day, I am no prophet, I pretend to know nothing but what the word of God leads to; my thoughts of taking off the servants of God at this time, are, I fear it is coming to that, that there is no stop to be put to the overflowing scourge: there is like to be a general overflowing consumption, running over not only this, but all the reformed churches. Sovereignty I will not limit.

Afterward one was showing the difficulty we would have, while in the body, with indwelling corruption. He answered. I oft find it; but the Lord has relieved me: I found this same night, even after the Lord gave relief, indwelling sin shewing a great deal of strength. One said, you know while you are in the body, that will [Page 199]not be quite taken away; a perfect separation from it we are not to expect here. He added, this we know, that when he shall appear, we shall be like him. This has been made a sweet word to me the last night.

After a little interruption, he said, In the day when I was in my distress, and brought to the foot of mount Si­nai, the mount that might be tonched. (it was a sensible thing, but by divine appointment it might not be touch­ed). and when I came to the blackness and darkness, and heard the crashing of thunder, &c. I was standing trem­bling, wishing I had never been. While I was waiting for my sentence, be brought me to mount Zion, and to the bl [...]d of sprinkling, &c that view gave my mind reft.

To the apothecaty he said, The Lord is upholding me. The Lord shew you mercy; study religion in the begin­ning of your years: mind, if you come to be handied as I am, without it you can have no comfort. I give you this as a solemn warning, if you come to be hard­ened by the frequent fights of persons in my circumstan­ces, you may come to be hardened for ever, and your conscience never be sensible more.

To three ministers in the place, he said, My dear bre­thren, ye are all there that are in the town, except my dear colleague, and I have sent for him: Dear brethren, it is not from any considence in myself, but out of a sin­cere love to you, and from what I myself have felt, that for your encouragement I presume to say, when the Lord helped to diligence in studying and meditating, I found him then remarkably shining upon me, and testifying his approbation of a sincere mint. There is nothing to be had with a slack hand.

Then to one of them lately entered into the ministry he said, Your entry into the ministry is like to fall in an evil day; there is one thing for your encouragement, you have a call: The times will make hard work to you in this place; but that that makes your work the harder, is, this people being hardened under a long tract of pure gospel ordinances. However, be fa [...]hsul, and God will strengthen to his own work. I will not say, ye will got things brought to what you would have; but i'll tell you, I have one thought, and I abide by it, if ministers ply [Page 200]their work, they cannot, it is true, bring persons to the Lord, but they may make their consciences knell; they will, they speak for the Lord.

Then continuing his discourse to the ministers, he said, Now, brethren, give diligence; for the Lord's sake ply your work, hold fast what ye have. I must have a word to my brethren, it is on my heart; I am young, but I am near the end of my life, and that makes me old. It becomes me to take advice from you; however, it is only to exhort to diligence, in the common salvation. I repent I did not more, but I have peace in it, that what I did, I did it in sincerity; he accepts of the mite. It was the delight of my heart to preach the gospel, and it made me sometimes neglect a frail body. I ever thought, if I could contribute to the saving of a soul, it would be a flar, a crown, and a glorious crown. I knew this was the thing I aimed at; I defired to decrease, that the bride­groom might increase, and to be nothing, that he might all; and I rejoice in his highness. When one said, so great attainments might be comfortable to him now. He replied, I lay no stress thereon; the thing I rejoice in it, that his grace enabled me to this. Well, brethren, this is encouragement to you to try and go farther. Alas, I have gone no length; but I would sain have gone far­ther: The hand of the diligent makes rich. Much study, much prayer, temptations also, and distinct cutgates from temptations, are useful helps. I was fond enough of books; but I must say, in the course of my ministry, what the Lord let me see of my ill heart, and what was necessary against it, was more steadable to me than all my books. One said, that was to believe, and therefore to speak. He replied, the Lord help me to honour him; I desire no more, but to honour him here and hereafter. O that I had the tongues of men and angels to praise him! I hope, I hope in a little to get will to answer du­ty, and skill and ability to answer will. O to be helped so, and to sear always. One said, blessed is he that fear­eth always, even under manifestations and discoveries of God; He that stands, let him take heed lest be fall. He said, sobriety, sobriety, would fall in a little, if he with­draw; but do not stumble, sirs, though I should be sha­ken, the soundation stands sure.

[Page 201] When advised to lie quiet a little, he said, whereon should a man bestow his last breath, but in commending the Lord Jesus Christ, God cloathed in our nature, dy­ing for our sins? If pleased the Leed to bruise him, Sec. One said, the Lord hath said, I will have mercy and not sacrifice; and pressed him to be tender of his body. He answered, O but my heart is full! And then desiring a minister to pray, he said, pray that God may have pity on a weak thing, that is not able to bear much in the coaflict.

After prayer, when the ministers were retiring, he said, well, my brethren, mind me. I desire to be thank­ful for what I have. I do not desire to want you long.

Thereafter, to a minister's wise he said, I recommend to you the fear of the Lord; I know you have a husband to direct you; I know you are the seed of the righteous; but neither of thess will arail. Make it your business to grow in practical acquaintance with him, and encourage your­self in the Lord: I fear the time is coming that it shall be said, Blessed are the breasts that gave no such, and the womb that never bare. I fear heavy trials are hastening on.

To two ministers, who came from the country to visit him, he said, Brethren, I'll only say this, we have need to take care, with the great apostle, lest when we preach Christ to others, we be cast-a-ways; if it be so, we have need to fear; happy is the man that fears always. Be diligent in preaching the gospel. I presume, in this case I am in, to suggest this advice, that it may not only be your care to be diligent in composing sermons, but above all scan your own hearts, and make use of what discove­ries you get there, to enable you to dive into consciences, to awaken hyp [...]rites, and to separate the precious from the vile; and do it with that accuracy and caution as not to make sad the hearts of those God has made glad. That is the great point in religion, and in the management of your ministry, that you may obtain the testimony of the great Shepherd, when he shall appear. Now it is like I may not be far from the conclusion of my work. As to the work of the ministry, it was my deliberate choice; were my days lengthened out much more, and days as [Page 202]troublesome as they are like to be, I would rather be a contemned minister of God than the greatest prince on earth. I preached the gospel of Christ with pleasure, and I loved it; for my own hu [...]l's salvation was upon it; and since I lay down, I have act changed thoughts about it. I commerd it to you all, ' O make it your business to double your diligence; there may be hard conflicts. You have a prospect of difficulties between you and the graves we are all good untried; but we have need to have on the whole armour of God, to watch and be s [...]er.

One of them said, I would gladly hear the professor's mind of the oath. He answered, As to the matter of the oat, Let every one be fully persuaded in his own mind. As these who are clear, should guard against every thing that may endanger the peace of this church: So likewise others, who are not clear, cannot get over difficulties, and cannot in conscience and duty comply; they are bound in conscience not only to abstain from separating, but laboriously to convince their people that it strikes at the root of church communion. If ministers go on in se­parating courses, the resul of it will be, people will be taken up with the public, and forget private religion. Whoever they are that do so, they will have an accession to this. We shall have people running about seeking to have their ears gratified, that love not the power of god­liness: We'll get a public religion in the room of real godliness. I love their persons that differ from me, and I value what I see of God in them; but I am to call no man master but Christ.

With respect to the difference that is like to ensue a­mong ministers, with the greatest earnestness I say, my dear brethren in the Lord Jesus, if difference fall in, dif­ference is a hot thing, there must be condescendence, for hearance, and tenderness: we must not fly at the ball Whatever apprehensions. I have of the consequence of some ministers not acting conscientiously, and running preaching in such a strain as may do hurt, yet I would speak tenderly, and act tenderly toward them; and les there be reach of the forbearance and meekness that is Jesus; follow peace, peace is worth much; wounding our church among her enemies is sad. I would not have [Page 203]a hand in wounding the church of Scotland for a world: Wounding her at this day is a stabbing her order the fifth rib. These things are weighting to me now upon the view of eternity: For let my right hand for [...] her cunning, if I prefer not Jerusalem to my chief joy. For my brethren, for her peace and constitution I'll pray. The grea [...]vil, this day, that is like to be our bane, nay, ruin and un­deing, is, that there is a coldness and indifferency that has crept in, an untenderness in the course of our walk, that gives a great advantage to our enemies, we do not maintain the testimony of God in a humble tender way, in such a day as this, when many are running from God. It seems to be a principle now with many, how far they may go and not be ruined, that is, to go to the brink of destruction; but the Christian rule is, to stand at a distance. Now the Lord help you. Pray that I may be helped to honour God in life and death; there is much reason to bless him. O to bear it out, and stand the trial thankfully: O what ground of thankfulness have I!

To his successor in the parish he was transported from, he said, I have this to say, as to my congregation, that people were my choice; with much peace and pleasure I preached as I could, though not as I should, the gospel of Jesus Christ; though in all things I own myself to have finned exceedingly before the Lord, yet I have peace that I aimed with concern at leading them to the Lord Jesus; and another foundation can no man lay: I hope you will build on that same foundation, as you will, in that way, save your own soul, so it is the way to save them that hear you. From experience I can say, that the pursning this sincerely, is the way to salvation. Signity to them, that, if it please the Lord to take me away, I die re­joicing in the faith and profession of what I oft preached to them under a low state of body; and without this I could have no relief. I would have my folk understand, that that gospel which I recommend to them, if it is not received, it will be a witness against them. His successor said, I am persuaded you have seals to your ministry in that parish. He answered, we are like our master, set for the fall and rising again of many. Though we can reach no more, if we are faithful, they shall know that a prophet has been among them.

[Page 204] To one that came in to him, he said, learn to die. It is rare to die as a Christian; the most part think there is no more to do, but to lay down their heads and die: This is even as if one would cover his face, and leap o­ver a rock into the sea.

To a gentlewoman he said, I may cry, shame on me, and woes me, that began not sooner, and run not faster; for the Lord's way is as silver tried. We should never, in matters of eternal moment, chuse a way that we will rue of again. I will not detain you, you have your un­cle, he will be a good friend to you; follow his advice, and such persons as he; follow their example. In a word, follow the example of Jesus Christ, and be conversant with the word; be careful not only in reading the word, you may soon tire of that, but cry for the Spirit of the Lord, to quicken it, and then you will be with it as the child that cannot live without the breasts. Be diligent in attending the ordinances. The Lord bless you. As for me, for any thing I see, I am dying: But I die, I bless his name, in the way that I have hitherto chosen delibe­rately, and I have no ground to complain. Commend me to all friends. Carry this commission along, what I say to one, I say to all, Seek the Lord. And all I have to seek, is that I may stand to it.

To a private Christian he said, seek the Lord, and be real in religion, content not yourself with the form of it; a mere profession will not do the turn; this will be but the shell without the kernel; but they that are sin­cere, shall inherit the crown. Let not the scorn and con­tempt that is cast on religion, cause you give up with it. 'Tis not in vain to seek the Lord, you have found it. The scriptures of truth are a contemned book by men; but they are able to make you wise unto salvation; be­ware of casting out with them, and throwing them by as a useless book; but converse with them, and ye will find your account in them: All the books of the world could not have been in that stead, that since yesterday they have been to me. Chuse good company; bewane of ill com­pany, hold at a distance from it; seek that God may guide you into religious company, and improve it; folk by whom ye may learn something, and that without learning [Page 205]any thing that may be hurtful. Ye have a sad set of gen­try round about here; take heed ye be not drawn off your feet. This is a friends advice; it is meet for me, in my circumstances especially, to give, and meet for you to receive.

After a little stop, he said, I'll only tell you one dif­ference there is this day between my case and the case of many in the world; the course I have followed weakly, has been at least to join with them that are on God's side: Now, it is come to a push, and I have peace; I always wished to have God for my God, and the heritage of his chosen. But they that walk contrary to God, and for­sake him, I have seen them frequently, when they were come to a pinch, cry then, "O shame upon the way I "have been in."

In the night time, to some present he said, Do ye ob­serve this growing weakness of my eyes? Ans. No. He replied, Yea, but I know it is so; now that is a prog­no. tick of a change. If he shut eyes, he'll open eyes, eyes no more to behold vanity: But I shall behold him in righteousness, and when I a wake, I shall be satisfied with his likeness.

Thereafter he said, If this be the day of the ending of my conflict, I would desire, even humbly to seek of the Lord, that he would of his great mercy condescend to be tender to one that loves his appearance; that as he has dealt wonderfully and condes endingly with me, so he may even deal tenderly to the end, in loosing the pins of my tabernacle, and that I may be helped to honour God by a composed resignation into his hand. O religion, and the glory of it, in this degenerate age, has been much on my heart; and he has said, them that honour me, I will honour: I was willing through his grace to have borne reproach; if my adversary had written a book, I would have taken and bound it as a glory.

Finding some sweat on his face, he said, I fancy that is an indication of a greater change. I can compose my­self, I bless his name. I wot not how it comes to pass, that a body, that has met with so much of God, should be so unthankful as in the least to doubt him about the [...]elt. O what an evil heart of unbelief, cursed unbelief, [Page 206]and cursed self have I. O how has God honoured me! O that I should yet have such an enemy in my bosom, as an evil heart.

He cansed read I Thess. i. iv. and v. chapters. And when one said, Sir, I think you need to take the night's rest; he answered, I have no need of any rest, were it not to put me in case to finish my course with joy. Lo, what the power of Christ's death, and the efficacy of his resurrection are! And now I find the advantage of one at the right band of God, who is able to save to the uttermost; and that is the sight I long for; he will but shut the eyes, and open them in glory! O it is a great matter, sirs, to believe; yet we have strong grounds to believe, only we have evil hearts of unbelief. This I dare say, to have my soul intirely submissive to God, and all things, even every high imagination and thought made subject, is my sincore desire; but I'll get that done shortly; then ne­ver will there be a reluctant thought, neves an estranged thought more from God: Now it does not appear what we shall be; we shall be like him when he appears; for we shall see him as hi it.

To one that alleged he was faint, he said, I am not faintish, I am composed, and I am refreshed, I am not drunk with wine, and yet I am refreshed with wine, with the spiced wine: O there is a sweet calm on my soul! And my desires are towards him, and the remembrance of his name. Remember him! why should I not remember him, that remembered me in my low condition? He pas­sed by, and said, live, and when he says, he commands, he gives reft.

After reading of the foresaid scripture, he caused read a Cor, i, 1 [...]—22. and after the 9th and 10th verses were read, he said; now there it is all; God has delivered, and filled me with peace, when I was under that heavy damp; and I hope that he will deliver, even from that which I seared in death; and let me find that I have got the vic­tory, and that the God of peace will bruise Satan shortly under my feet, and he will get up no more; and I will get a victory over the cunning world, the deceitful heart. O! many a weary day I have had with my unbelief. If I had had faith to believe things not seen, if I had had saith answerable to the convictions I had on my soul, that [Page 207]my happiness lay not in things seen and temporal, but eternal; if I had had faith's abiding imprressions realizing these things, I would not have known how to abide out of heaven a moment.

A little thereafter he said, as I preached the gospel in my life, so I desire to die preaching it; and though I live not till a suffering time, I may get in among the wit­nesses. Sirs, I will be a witness against St. Andrews. I will be a witness against the professors that are come a­bout me, if they follow not the Lord.

When desired to lie quiet and take sleep, he answered, the folk I am going to, sleep not day nor night, but cry, holy, holy, holy. They that wait on the Lord shall mount up as with eagles wings.

Then he said, find ye any alteration as to my coldness? the only reason why I ask, is, I would not lose my time.

Ah, poor blacked I, that think shame to come in a­mong that fair company. One said, you will be as fine as the rest. He said, blessings to his name, for compo­sure. I cannot get my heart in a right tune, as I would have it, but within a little I will get it so.

After he had lien quiet a little, one said, you have sleeped none. He answered, no, I had much work, but blessed be God, pleasant work.

Thereafter, when his wife asked how he was, he an­swered, my dear, I am longing for the salvation of my God, and hastening to it. Then seeing her very sad, he said, my dear, encourage yourself; here is a body going to clay, and a soul going to heaven, where I hope you are to come.

September 19, about five in the morning, when he was desired to lie quiet, and try if he could rest, he answered, no, no; should I lie here altogether useless? should not I spend the last bit of my strength, to shew forth his glory? he held up his hands, and said, lame hands, and lame legs, (his hands and legs were greatly swelled), but see a lame man leaping and rejoicing.

Speaking of his children to his wife, he said, they are all a devoted thing to the Lord; and I can say, some­times when they were baptized, that the Lord helped me to devote them to him, and hade me bring the rest and he would accept of them.

[Page 208] Thereafter, finding some disorder in his body, he said, this is just one of the forerunners of the charge, the great change. One said, blessed be the Lord, that he is pro­vicing you with relief. He replied, his word is a good word; and O he has been condescending, [...]stenishingly condescending! And I am even made to say, Why are his obariot wheels so long a coming? When shall I [...]e ad­mitted to see the glory of the higher house, and instead of that clouded light of a created sun, to see that clear and perfect glory, and the Lamb to the must of the there?

After a while's silence, in the scren [...]n, finding him­self very low, he took farewel of his wife and children; saluting them all one by one, and spoke particularly to each of them: Then he said, A kind and affecticnate wife you have been to me; the Lord bless you, and he shall bless you.

To a minister that came in, he said, your servant, bro­ther. I am upon a piece of trying work; I am parting with wife and bairns. Resolve on that, I bless his name, though I have had one of the best of wives, yet she is no more mine, but the Lord's.

Then to his children he said, now von are fatherless; your father is to be taken from you: Eur seek God. And now I got you from the Lord, and I give you to him. Now I leave you upon him; you are no more mine.

To his son he said, God bless the lad, and let my name he named upon him. But O! what is my name! Let the name of the Lord be named upon him. I do not say, keep up my name; but O! that you may be honoured to tell the generation following, how good God is, and hand down the testimony. And O that ye may be all the Lord's.

After that he spoke to his servants, and said, as for you, my servants, that have been in my family, my dear friends, make religion your main business, and mind that above all things. I charge all my servants in my house, beware of graceless masters, avoid it, as what may turn to your destruction; seek to be with them that fear the Lord.

Then he said, I will not bring up an ill report on reli­gion; nay, I cannot but give a testimony to is: Tribula­tion [Page 209]works patience; and patience, experience; and experience works hope; and hope makes not ashemed. God has shed abroad his love in my heart; and I am waiting for his salvation. Here is a demonstration of the reality of reli­gion, that I, a poor weak timorous man, as much once afraid of death as any; I that have been many years un­der the terrors of death, come now in the mercy of God, and by the power of his grace, composedly, and with joy, to look death in the face; I have seen it in its pale­ness, and all the circumstances of horror attending it; I dare look it in the face in its most ghastly shape, and hope within a little to have the victory. Then he said, I hope he will deal tenderly; but pray for me that my faith. fail not. I loved to live preaching Christ, and love to die preaching Christ.

To some ministers that were come in, he said, my bre­thren, I have been taking farewel of wife and bairns, I have been giving them up to God from whom I got them: I am upon the wing to eternity; but glory to God, I know in whom I have believed.

Then he said, dear brethren, [...] you begin and speak a word to one that longs to hea [...] [...] him: O I love to hear the gospel, I love to preach is, it is a joyful sound, a sweet sound; I love to hear of his name; his name is like cin [...]ment poured forth; the efficacy lies here, they are his ordinances, his institutions, and he has promised to bless them; that makes me desire them. The gospel as dispensed is the ministration of the spirit.—I have need of grace, that I may be helped to stand to it to the last, and in the last conflict to honour him. One said, God has been gracious to you hitherto; and you know, he is always the same, he is the same to those that belong to him: There is one good word, I will never leave thee nor for­sake thee. He answered, blessed be his name that he will stand by me: O to have him shut my eyes himself, and then to open them, that I may behold him in his own light!

Thereaster he said, well firs, what shall we say of the Lord Christ? He is altogether lovely. Religion is a mys­tery; but I was looking through the promises this night, and observing how to provide against the last conflict: I was astonished and at a stand, when I saw the sweet ac­complishment [Page 210]of them: every promise of the word of God is sweet; they are sure promises. O sirs, study the word, observe the accomplishment of it; it was the thing I loved all my days, and it is sweet to the last. O the accomplishment of the word is worthy to be observed, and especially when I was looking this same night to what he has already fulfilled to me!

To a minister he said, now, sir, though I will not li­mit the Lord as to time, I am expecting the onset from the last enemy; and I know not but I may get many ene­mies about me are then.

Then exhorting some to think on death, he said, to mind death is a piositable thing: To mind death is not to go church yards and visit tombs; but it lies in this, to be habitually under the impressions of death, in its rise and cause, in its present state and relation to both covenants, the various issues and consequences of it, and the way of delivery from it, and all the circumstances attending it.

Then as to his spiritual enemies, he said, But I think. I am now almost out of their hands. One said, that is a great victory. He answered, I dare not speak of victory; but he holds me [...] though I cannot hold pace: I am, afraid to speak, lest [...]ursed enemy, viz. self, lie at the door to catch: for when I had the greatest advantages, I have felt corruption stirring and making no small difficul­ty, inclining me to spoil my Lord of his glory. One said, we shall neither under mercies nor afflictions be free of this trial. He said, O strange, that when death has been so lo g kept in view, that it should be so! One said, you have reason to count that a victory, that the Lord has helped you over your late sears: You know what a damp you was under on Wednesday, and what a sweet outgate you got. He answered, I desire to bless his name for it; but I should be yet under as great a damp, if he should withdraw: Holy se..r, caution and jealousy, is still needful.

After that, to the ministers he said, brethren, you are there: In case I should be surprised, I take this oppor­tunity to acknowledge your tenderness to me, that I am most unworthy of it in many respects: I can say, I de­sired to live in love with you and I bless God there was [Page 211]harmony amongst us. The Lord bless you and your la­bours, the Lord himself multiply spiritual bleffings on you and your families, support you against discourage­ments; and the Lord in mercy look on the rising genera­tion; the Lord hold his hands about the seminaries in this place, God look with pity on them. Then to one be said, My dear brother, who has been my comfort in af­fliction, stand your ground, quit yourselt like a man, be strong. Now sir, now my dear friend, I shall only say, as I wish you the blessing of God on your family, so I desire that you will even shew kindness to the dead, in sympa­ty with all hindness to my dear wife and children: I re­commend her to your care; she has been the friend of my bosom, the wise of my youth, a faithful friend. And turning to all the ministers present, O sirs, check my poor babies, if ye see any thing in them disorderly: I have lent and devoted them to the Lord. Last spring the Lord has taken trial of it, (by this he meant the death of his son George), and has taken me at my word. O sirs, it is an evidence of the decay of religion, that sympathy and love among the saints is decayed: O if the Spirit were poured out from high I. Then he said, pray firs, pray for grace: I would have the praise of the victory to him.

Afterward he said, patience must have its perfect work; I will wait for it: My soul longs more than they that wait for the morning. Sweet Lord Jesus, make haste, until the day break and the shadows slic away. Then to a minister he said, pray a word for patience to me to bide this last trial.

Thereafter, at his desire, a large paper was read over to him, which he had dictated some days before, con­taining a testimony unto religion, and advice to his fa­mily, which being read, he owned before several wit­nesses, that he had dictated the same; and desired that these, as his words, might be attested by them; the tenor whereof follows:

[Page 217] Thereafter, to some present, he said, Professors, I have this to say to day about religion, we have a double call to give a te [...]timony to it, atheism and profaneness are coming in like a flood. We shall all be martyrs. Bles­sings to his name to get leave to lie on this bed, to tes­tity against profanenass and atheis [...]. But, said he, it is very painsul to be lying here when all is ready, I mean when there is a habitation, a better house to be dwelling in than this. I am loosed from my enjoyments, my dearest wise and bairns, I have given up with them, and my beart in disengaged; but I put them in a good hand, I have put them in Lord's hand. I do consess, God has been beating me in a mortar this long time, and I see be has been doing some work; I was made like a weaned child, I durst not repine. Then he cried, O when wilt thou come! Come, Lord Jesur. I wait for the Lord.

Thereaster, when some people came in to see him, he said, These fourteen or fifteen years I have been study­ing the promises; but I have seen more of the book of God this night, than all that time. O [...] the wisdom that is laid up in the book of God, that is to be found only there! Then he said, I know a great deal from a dying man will go for canting and roving; but I bless God, he has so kept the little indgment I had, that I have been capable to reflect with composure on his dealing with me. I am sober and composed, if ever I was sober. And whether men will hear, or whether they will forbear, this is a testimony. The operations of the Spirit of God are maligned this day; but if we take away the operations and influences of the Spirit of God in religion, I know not what is left. He promised the Spirit to lead us in all trath. O that this generation would awaken, to seek af­ter quickening influences of the Spirir. O for a day of the down pouring of the Spirit from on high, in a work of conversion, for such u day as that, when the Spirit of God effectually reached our fathers, and brought forth great men, and made others to be conquered by them. The residue of the spirit is with him.

To a minister he said, I am won now, I say I am won, brother, longing for the salvation of God, and for the day when. I shall see his appearance; but I must keep [Page 218]my post; and good reason, if he send me but fresh sup­plies, as much as help me till I come home, that I may not dishonour him by begging at another's door; I am that proud I would take all from him, and act to beg from other lords. Our master gives his servants-a very honourable al [...]wance.

Then to the phyfician he said, Doctor, it is great bra­very to face death on a fick bed. The beathens of old, whenever they turned impatient, they r [...]n away to ki [...] ­themselves, and make an ead of themiselves, they dought not bide it; [i. e. they co [...]ld not bear it]. Is it not more courage, and a nobler spint, that the Lord allows, even the weak, the timorous, the [...]ainteft, a power, where­by they can lie under sickness and pain, and brave the floutest enemy, by a patience of spirit?

After a pause, he said, I think we shall lose the very shew of religion. Our gentry and nobility, I think, if the Lord do not reclaim them, they are like all to turn heathens, drunkards, swearers, &c. Among other things, I rejoice in it the Lord is rabing me away in my younger years, that I will be free of the transgression of the wick­ed; and it has many a year grieved my soul to s [...]e it.

After a little, he said, there is a sweet composure on my spirit. The beams of the hourse are as it were crack­ing. I am laying down my tabemacle to be built again. O to get grace to be saithsul to the death: For after we have gone through many things, yet we have need still to wait on God till the last: For it is he that [...]res to the end that shall be soued. Am not I a man won­derfully upheld by God under assiction and death? The death of the saints is made a derision in our day; but if they laugh at me, I can laugh at them, and I think I have better reason; let thom come to my pass, and they dare not; and I will rejoice in my God, and joy in the God of my salvation, though the fig tree sbould not blossom, and there should be to fruit in the vine, and the labour of the olive should fail. But, said he, blessed be God, I am provided; God is good portion. I want death to com­plete my happiness.

After a little stop, he said, I was afraid this day in the morning, that want of rest might have discomposed me. [Page 219]I would fain h ve rest for fear of my head. The Lord has been very kind to me, in giring me composure, and exercise of my judgment, after I had a sore distracting trouble in the beginning of this death bed sickness. Then be said, [...]ut being laid here, I must speak; it is the last service the Lord Jesus calls for at my hand; and I owe him so mach, that I cannot but commend him. As far as my word will go, I must proclaim it, he is the best master that ever I saw.

Then ro the physician he said, I fancy my s [...]et are growing cold, doctor: yea, yea, all the parts of t [...]is bo­dy are going to ruin. You may, said he, believe a ruan venturing on eternity. I am not acting as a fool, but [...] have weighed eternity this last night. I have looked on death as stript of all things pleasant to natore; I have considered the spade and grave, and every circumstauce in it that is terrible to nature; and under the view of all these, I found, That in the way of God that gave satisfaction, not only a rational satistaction, but a heart­engaging power attending it, that makes me rejoice. The doctor sail, you speak beyond your strength; it is a wonder to see you hold out so. He answered, I cannot beilow my strength better, doctor; and I [...]we him much more. I have narrow thoughts; I am like to be overwhelmed, and I know not where I am, when I think on what I am to be, and what I am to [...]e, I have long de [...]ired and prayed sor it; blessed be God, I am richly furnished. I had as much the day after my s [...]ter died.

To his son he said, O man, if I [...]ad as many sons as there are hairs in your head, I would besrow them all en Cod. David, these are honest solk, (meaning the ministers), mind their advice; the curse of God will o­rertake you, if you follow it not. Beware of ill c [...]mpa­ny: read the Bible. I pray you may be an encourage­ment to your mother.

He was much concerned about his two r [...]phews abroad, on which he dictated a letter for them, which is as follows:

To some present he said, O sirs, I dread might [...]ly, that a rational sort of religion is coming in among us; I mean by it, a religion that consists in a bare attendance on c [...]t­ward duties and ordinances, without the power [...] godli­ness; and thence people shall sall into a way of serving God, which is more deism, having no relation to Christ Jesus, and the Spirit of God. To his colleagne he said, Dear brother, let not modesly hinder you from laying out your talent that way; God has given you abilities. Well, brother, to encourage you, I must teli you, I must say it, your conversation has been a blessing to me; our mutual communication about the concerns of the Lord was reviving. It was after a sweet night's communica­tion of this sort, that God took the burden of my son George off me, and brought me to sweet so [...]nission in the prospect of his approaching death. O if we could be con­cerned about God's interest, he would look well to ours.

Then he said, if I had all our brethren present now, I would tell them how much it is upon my heart, that they [Page 222]may maintain brotherly love, and beware of division. One said, I have observed that that has been many times the greatest trial of the church of Scotland. Alas! the satal lengths that division came in time of persecution, and not without the influence of some by their preaching, has brought us to that pass, that we are not like to reco­ver. He said, O what a care has God of me, that is hiding me from the evil to come? I was willing to stand my post with you, to stand and fall with the church of Scotland; but my master is calling me off. O, I pity, I pity them that stay behind. I am no prophet, I do not pretend to prophecy; but I am persuaded a form is com­ing on this church. One said, I hope, brother, the Lord will not quit his room in Scotland. He answered, indeed. I hope not; but I much doubt if this gener [...]tion will be honoured to do God great ser [...]ice, and see good days. I do not much wonder that he has laid me by: But how­ever, they that keep the faith, and fight the good fight, shall have abundant peace. Well, well, firs, the day must break; I hope, I hope, the Lord will arise, and the church will be made a wonder; he will say, Lo! this people have I formed for myself, he can make a nation to be born at once.

Often he faid, this day O how composed am I! what a wonder to be so, while I see the evident symptoms of my dissolution I and cried often, as in the Song, when shull the day break and the soa [...]ws flic away? Turn my beloved and be thou like a ree or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether. I am longing to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, that is far better.

When a minister's son came in, he said, John, you are going to get another lesson from a dying man; you got one from a dying father, and now another from a second father; (this he said, because that young man was re­commended to his care). Then telling how kind the Lord was to that minister when dying, he said, I have found much of God's goodness too: I did not think to come near to, but I was desiring and panting after a share of his happiness; and now God has given, it me. And now, John, I charge you, trace your father's steps, as ye will be answerable at the great day. O serve the [Page 223]Lord, and for your encouragement I tell you, man, he is the best of masters; beencouraged to seck God, beware of the vanities of youth; and take beed to your ways ac­cording to the word of God. The Lord bless you, and bless your sisters, and make them in their younger years to seck God, and it will be well with you. The rever­end old man your grandfather, your father looked on him as an orphan; be you as a father to him, be drop­ping ay the word of life to him, and have a tender care of him; it is the way to obtain a blessing. Tray for me, for patie we to the end, that I may win to praise him. I many times had a mistuned voice, but, which is worse, I had a mistuned heart; but I will get all right tuned above.

To a minister that came from Edinburgh to visit him, he said, Come and see your friend in the best case that you ever saw him in, longing for a deliverance, and h [...]s­tening to the coming of the day of God, waiting for the sal­vation of God, on a bed of roses, though nature and skin say not so, a bed perfumed. And, man, I sent for you, I longed to see you, that I might give you encouragement in an ill world to preach the gos [...]el, and stand by Christ, that has been so good to me. This is the best pulpit that ever I was in, I am now laid on this bed for this end, that I may commend my Lord. He answered, it is a great blessing that he commends himself to you, and I [...]esire to bless him on that account. To which be replied, Yea, he commended himself first.

September 10th, in the morning, when a minister asked how he was, he said, I am composed, waiting for him. To which he replied, You see how kindly he deals with you, he is both antidating in your foul heavenly exer­cise, and heavenly enjoyments. On which he said, He is preparing and making me mee [...] for the inbe [...]itance of the saints in light. The minister said, He deals so ten­derly with you, that be gives you little ado but to praise. He answered, I have reason to desire the help of all to praise him: Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is with­in me magnify his holy name.

A little after that one said, Have you pain with the purging? He answered, Yea, yea, indoed have [...] but I have no complaint. And said h [...], I will be present [...] [Page 224] without spo!; and I will get a clean bed, white and fair. O he is good to me!

To some entering the room he said. Indeed you are all very welcome, sirs; I am taking a little wine for re­freshment, and in a little I will get my wine fresh and new in his kingdom of glory: I dare scarce allow my thoughts to run directly upon it, I must lock: aside, least I should be overwhelmed. But I ra her speak than [...] are of him who has done wonderful things for me, and has kept me this day in a perfect calm. One said, You have got, I trust, what your heart can desire to make you meet for going through the valley of the shadow of death, since Wednesday that you had your own trial. He answered, Weeping may endure for a night, but joy [...]mes in the morn­ing. It is but a little, and I shall get that rest; I am getting the earnest of it. It is but a little and I will get himself. Light in [...] for the right [...], and gladness for the upright. O! when will it come that I may win there where I will conceive aright of glory. I co [...]ret orde [...] my speech now, by reason of darkness But I long to be­hold it. I have the patience to wait until be come. I have experienced much of his goodness since I lay down in this bed, I have found that tribulation works patie [...]ce, and patience experiencer, and experience hope. And I have found the love of God st [...]ed abroad in my soul. Then turning to his wife, he said, Come away, my dear, and encourage yourself in the expectation, that under the con­duct of the same Captain of salvation ye will come hither, and cast yourself and your family upon the Lord, en­courage yourself, God liveth; blessed be my Redeemer the rock of my strength.

After that, to his son, he said, I am going to die, I am to be a bridegroom the day, at least, I am to be the bride; I am going home to my God, and I hope you, God: And be sure that you be with God oft, and if ye be oft with him, ye will be where I am. My dear, seek God, seek 0209 0224 V 3 hit, and seek him early, and he will be found of you, 02 The angel that preserved me, bless the led. Mind, Da­vid, that I have commented God and his way to you. Then he said, O sirs! if there were a day of the power of God going along, and God gripping the hearts of [Page 225]youth. Peer thing, read your book, and be a good scho­lar yourself, and be sure to seek God, that the may teach you.

Then he said, Who is like him? Oh! what be I as al­lowed me this night! I know now the meaning of that word, [...] wh [...]! ye will in my name, and ye shall receive it. I say, the Lord has even allowed me to be very homely in every circumstance, and I have thought, I was even [...]ing at it.

Then to his daughter he said, Come Margaret, I must again commend to you my God, and his ways. Be an encouragement to your mother: Mind the many [...]ci­tations I have given you and despise them not and save your ou [...] fool: And cry, that by a day of his power, he may bring you to found sincerity. You have lost a lov­ing father: It will be God only that can make him up: But he can do more; and indeed we must not compare fathers. Your father and mother have given you to God; do not you give yourself unto the devil. In all things, aim at pleasing God; and my bird, ye will never rue it.

After that he caused his son come to him, and said, Da­vid, keep not near vain persons, any body that will swear, or lie, or speak any that is bandy, or that will break the Sabb [...]ch day, come not near them; and pray that God may give you a better memory to mind the sermons, and say your beart.

Then he said, O let us exalt his name together. O glory dwells in Immanuel's land. I long for the fragran­cy of the spiced wine, Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples; for I am sick of loue. Then he caused a minister to pray.

Thereafter to a [...]fter that came in, he said, I am core is J [...] the [...]tor of the [...] covenant; I will be in a [...]r [...]ng the bl [...]ssed company that stand by; I will be in with that [...] above, where the Lamb in the midst of the throne it is the precedency: And now I wait for his salvation, glory to him. What shall I render to God? Let us exalt his name together; he has done wonderful things for me. I have been many a day afraid, how I [...] get through the valley and shadow of death. One said, it is a mercy, sir, the Lord has taken away the [Page 226]fears of death, before death comes. He answered, O there is much in this, he has wrought us for the self same, thing! Since I was laid down here the Lord has carried on a work of sanctification far on my soul, that makes me meet for heaven.

After prayer by some of the ministers, it was a [...]ed at him, Find you any more case? He answered, Yea, I found case in the time of prayer. Then he said, I long to launch out in his praise, it is an ocean. [...] I come not to be life an angel of God, yet the weak will be like Doz bid, the sweet singer of Israel. O be encouraged to fol­low the Lord, every one of you, sirs.

Then to one of the elders of the parish he said, James, ye are an old man; and I am dying; yet I am dying old; old, and satisfied with days; the child is going to die an hundred years old. I am like a shock of corn fully ripe. I have ripened fast; but O! I have been under a bright sun, a day when the Sun of righteousness shines, and I have brave showers.

After a little silence he said, I have been sleeping, and I have wakened as refreshed; and now what shall I say? I can say no more to commend the Lord; not for want of what to say, but for want of words wherewith to express it. Well, sirs, ye will meet with difficulties and discouragements; but this may encourage you, ye see God owns his servants, and should not his servants own him, and rejoice in him, and despise what enemies can do, when the master does so much for them? God has kept my head to me, and my judgment, for the best piece of work that ever I had. Blessed be God, my head and my heart are so sound. Though many a time, a vain heart has run away, and carried me down the stream, yet I may say, the habitually determinate desires of my soul, from the day that God first revealed his Son in me, run out after him, and the remembrance of his name. And now I find he meets them that rejoice, and work righteous­ness; glory, glory to him. O what of God I see! I never saw any thing like it. The beginning and end, sirs, of religion, are wonderfully sweet. Mark the per­fect man, and behold the upright, &c. I am not calling myself perfect; the Lord knows, I am far from it; I [Page 227]have found corruption stirring since you came in this morning. One said, His dealing with you has been very uncommon. He answered. Very uncommon indeed, if ye knew all that I know: yea, but therein is the glory of the Lord, that he makes the weak strong; the excel­lency of the power is the more remarkably s [...]en. The o­ther replied, There is a borrowed perfection. He an­swered, Yea, yea, that is perfection; glory to him for that perfection. The other adding, And as all our righ­teousness comes from him, so does all our strength: He said, Yea, yea, now may ye all ascribe to him the honour of his name; may ye be all engaged by this unto the Lord himself, and established in his way; the glory [...] his, his only, and engagement of heart, as consequent to the dis­covery, should be to him only: Not unto us, not unto us, but to thy name, O Lord, be the glory. O the sweetness of a Creator to a creature!

Having continued his discourse a while to those about him, he said, O this is the most honourable pulpit that ever I was in! I am preaching the same Chirst, the same holiness, the same happiness I did before: I have much satisfaction in that, I am not asha [...]d of the gospel I preach­ed; I was never ashamed of it all my days, and I am not ashamed of it at the last, when I am put to the trial in the bed of languishing: Blessed be God, we are all agreed in that, that it is the power of God to salvation.

After that, to a minister that had come from Edinburgh, he said, Now tell my honest friends at Edinburgh, tell them what God has done for my soul, and encourage them to hold on their way, they are a blessed seed: Be­side those, to Christian acquaintances I am very willing it should be told how good God has been to me. Are we ashamed of the gospel? Will these experiences of the rea­lity of religion be blown out of our minds? Here I am now, a man, a weak man, in hands with the king of ter­rors, rejoicing in the hopes of the glory that is to be re­vealed, and that by the death and resurrection of a des­pised Christ. That minister answered, Sir, I believe you know that your friends at Edinburgh will be very well s [...]tisfied, that mercy from the Lord has been shewn to you, He replied, All that fear God may be glad. [...] ­dced [Page 228]minted, as strength would allow, when the begin­ning of this trouble was on me, at that, 'shew me a token for good;' and indeed I think God has shewn me a token for good.

Then to some present he said, it is an ill time this; I well tell you, sir, it was this ill time that has helped on all this; it has weighted my spirit, the dark prospect was so uneasy: But may be I took more care than I should have done: We trust. God too little. I sought my judg­ment, and he has continued by judgment. Then he de­sired a minister to pray, and said, O let us exalt his name: Trals the lines are f [...]llen in pleasant places, and I have got­ten a good, heritage. Now play; but be shore, because I find a great alteration on my body; and praise, O praise him; praise is comely.

After prayer he said, Christ is exalted; death is not terrible, death is unstinged; the curse of the fiery law is done away.

To a gentlewoman he said, I long for his salvation; I bless his name I have found him, I am taken up in bles­sing him, I am dying rojoicing in the Lord. Well, said but, I long to be in promised land. [...]He, apprehending himself very low, said, Here I die, saying. Lord Jesus receive my spirit.—Come, sweet Lord Jesus, receive this spirit fluttering within my breast, like a bird so be out of a share.—When will I hear him says, Arist, my love, my fair one, and come away, the win­ter is past, the rain is gone over, &c. Come sweet Lord Jesus, come and take me by the hand, that I stumble not in the dark valley of death. One said, He has been pleased to set his love upon you, and he will help through in this last conflict; for his word is still the same, I will never, never leave, nor forsake you; he is able to save to the n [...]ermost. He answered, I know that.

A little after, the other said, We have, brother, such a view of his love and glory that shall be revealed, that shall excite to praise and thanksgiving, that will be the eter­nal song of the redeemed. You are beginning that song now. He answered, Ay, ay blessed be his name.

Then he prayed, and said, Pity me, and let me depart in peace; for only eyes have seen thy salvation.

[Page 229] When a minister said, Do you desire one of us to pray? He answered, Yea, yea, pray that I may win comfort­ably over. One said, He has need of some refreshment. He answered, I have meat to eat. Pray, said he, that, like a good soldier, I may strike the last stroke.

After that he said, I wait for thy salvation.—How long? Come, sweet Lord Jesus.—O come, sweet Lord Jesus, take me by the hand. Then he caused a minister pray, and said, Pray, pray and praise.

After that he said, Come Lord Jesus; I have waited for thy sal ation.—I wait for thy salvation, as the watch­man watcheth for the morning.—I am weary with delays. —I faint for thy salvation.—Why are his chariot wheels so long a coming?—He is trying, my patience—he is try­ing my patience. O what means he to stay so long? I am like to faint with delays.

Then having revived a little, he said, Draw the cur­tains about me, and let me see what he has a mind to do with me. This done, after a while's silence, he said, Whence is this to me? There is a strange change within this half hour. Ah, said he, I am like to be ship-wrecked to health again; I am afraid for it, and tremble at this, sirs. O what sort of providence is this? I was in hopes to have been at the end of my journey; and now I am detained with a cross wind. I desire to be patient under his hand; but he must open my heart to glorify him. Then he said, Pray for me, that none that fear him may be ashamed on my account.

After that he said, I have loved the habitation of thy house, and the place where thy honour dwells. Thou that knowest all things, knows I love thee. Lord, I may not want thee.

Then to the ministers he said. Brethren, go and pray to the Lord for me. One said, Brother, I am not disap­pointed in that reviving you got. The Lord calls to sub­mission to his will; he does all things well; he has given you wonderful assistance hitherto. He answered, I find corruption vigorous and strong, so that I have no reason to quit my post, no not for half an hour.

Thereafter he said, O that I could bless the Lord, such a wonder of mercy as I have been made. When he was [Page 230]breathing forth a passionate longing after his dissolution, one said to him, You have reason to account God's kind­ness to you very surprising, since now these three days past you have had so much of sensible comforts without interruption, and some of the greatest men in the church of Scotland have been sore and long tossed with desertion, and have not had at death the half of your consolation, have not got the half of these manifestations that you have had. He answered, His loving kindness is indeed marvellous to me, What am I, O what am I, that he has brought me hitherto! What I have is not a flashy and very sensible joy; yet I bless, I bless his name I am much composed, and having solid clear scripture manifestations of God, and the things of God.

To the apothecary he said, I thought to have been a­way, and I am come back again: I am glad to be gone, not that I am wearied: He has not allowed a fretting thought to vex me. O I am a monument, a monument of the power of God. My trouble is great, but I am helped to bear it: And in so far I am a martyr as well as a witness. My great desire has been these many years, to suffer for the truth of our religion; and now God has given me the greatest honour, to be a living witness to it, and a monument of it, that we have not followed cun­ningly devised fables. I will be at heaven shortly; I will come there by the word of my testimony, and the blood of the Lamb: All is of grace: He has chosen me, called me, justified me, and sanctified me by his grace. He gives grace and glory, these are brave gifts.

Then he said to the ministers, after many apologies, &c. That he as a dying man begged them to represent to the ensuing synod, that they would keep up brotherly love, the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace, and with the utmost care avoid divisive courses, whatever temptations they might be under to these. I am con­cerned, said he, as long as I am in time, for the church; I even pity you: O let all of us bide by him. O that the ministry of Scotland may be kept from destroying the church of Scotland. O that I could obtain it of them with tears of blood, to be concerned for the church! Shall we drawn away from the precious gospel, and from Christ?

[Page 231] To one of the students he said, If I had you lads all about me now, I would give you a lesson of divinity: However, this will be a standing witness of the reality, solidity, power and efficacy of these truths I taught you; for by the power of that grace revealed in these truths, here I lie pained, without pain; without strength, and yet strong. I think it would not be a lost session this, though you were all here.

To a citizen he said, Sir, I am a monument of the great goodness of God: There are but a few names in this place that set their faces heaven-ward: be encouraged to go on. The Lord bless you and your family: you have been a kind neighbour. Then he said, They tha [...] are planted in the house of the Lord, shall flourish in the courts of our God. I am planted in the house of God, here is an evidence of it, I am but young, and yet the child is going to die an hundred years old. In winter [...], I thought I was going to be cast as a withered stick on [...] the dyke; and now the dead stock that was cut, has budded again and grown a tall cedar in Lebanon.

After a pause, he said, My body complains of pain, but I complain of none. I was never more myself all my life, than in this sickness, I was never more indebted to grace. Ah, I mistook myself, O cursed self. I would been over easily away without all this scouring, (meaning the flux), and yet I am scouring away to heaven: I thought to win away with this rubbish; but my God sees meet to purge me of all my dross; he is keeping me, and he will have me as gold purified seven times ere I go hen [...]; and I will be bravely purged, and get fair c [...]ean garments, washen and made white in the blood of the Lamb; and the enemy that accused Joshua the high priest, dare not ac­cuse me for filthy garments: Yes, not unto us, not un­to us: O there is a beauty there! would you have a mark of a true Christian? here it is, to strike at the beating down of self, in all its most subtile actings. I am full of sores, said he, but all my bones shall praise him.

Then he pressed the minister, to dis [...]ourse to him, and said, I desire to hear the word read, the word preached. Many times when I thought on the [...] that lived in the days of old, I said, I was as one [...] [Page 232]time; but new I think I am born in due time, for I will see Jesus, O sweet Jesus that delivers from the wrath to come! I will see blijah and Moses, the great Old Testament prophets; I will see the two great mediators, the type and [...]titype: The three discipies got a sweet and glorious fight of Christ in his transfiguration; this was in­deed an edifying and confirming fight allowed to the disciples for streng thening their faith against the objections of the unbelieving Jews, and the shaking trials they were shortly to meet with. Was he despised as a mean and more man, and his Godhead disowned? Lo! here he ap­pears in divine majesty and glory. Did they say that he was against the law? Lo! here Moses, by whom the law was given, paying respect unto him. Did they say that he was not the promised Meffias foretold by the prophets? Lo! here Klijah, the greatest zoalot among the Old Tes­tament prophets, owning and honouring him. Was he reproached as a deceiver of the people? Lo! the voice from heaven faith, This is my balaved San in whom I am well pleased, hear ye him. Yet this fight was of short continuance, and terrible while it lasted. But in heaven we shall have a more glorious and abiding fight, we shall behold his glory, we shall be made like unts him, for [...]e shall see him as he is: Lo! this it our God, and we have waited for hi! When his people are in trouble, the wiched say, When is your God! but wait the [...] till their deliverance come and then they can say, Lo! this is our God. O [...] I am [...]ll of matter I know not where to begin or [...]d: The spirit of the Lord has been mighty with me; O the book of God is an unco [...] thing! It is written within and without! I never studied it to the half of what I should; but God has given me much of it together. Never was I more uneasy in my life, and yet I was never more easy: All my honer are like to break, they stick through my skin, a ba [...] is a burden to me, my mouth's a burden, &c. and yet all easy: Not unto [...]—O there is a beauty there.

Then to his wise be said, O my sweet bind, are you there? I [...] no more thine? I am the Lord's. I remem­ber on the day I to [...]k you by the hand, I thought of varting with you; but I wist not how to get my heart off [Page 233]you again, but now I gor it do [...]e. Will not you give me to the Lord, my dear? Then seeing her very sad, he said, My doar, do you weep? you should rathes rejoice; re­joice with me, and let us exalt his name together; I will be in the same family with you: You must even stay a while behind, and take ca [...]e of God's bairns.

In the night time be said, Ah, St. Andrews, I am a­fraid it is coming to that with it, that the power of re­ligion will wear quite out among prosessors in St. An­drews, and that they will not seek after the influences of the Spirit in ordinances.

When wak [...]ed out of sleep, he said, I am lying plea­santly, and waiting patiently rill he finish and perfect what concerns me. God is with me still, and he will be with me: I will be cold within a little, and I long for it, I long for my dissolution. O who would not lie in this pickle till they be all washen away! One said, He will be sore lying. He answered, I have no sores, he has bound up all my wounds. The gods that the blinded na­ti [...]s f [...]ar are but lying vanities, but the God of Israel, the partic [...] of Israel, is not like them. I am now in the hands of the king of terrors, and within a little I will he out of them: I am now in hand to grapple with the laft ene­my, and I find it is a conquerable enemy; I am more than a c [...]nquerer. One said, A strange champion indeed. He answered, I? Not I, but the gr [...]e of God in me; by the grait of God I am what I am. The God of prace has b [...]uised Sat [...]n under my seet. Ye see affliction is no ma [...]k of God's displeasure: I oft wondered how the marry is could clap their hands in the sire; [...]l do not wonder at it now: I could clap my hands, though you would hold burn­ing candles about them, and think it no hardship, though the slames were going round about them: And yet I would cry, and not be able to bear it, if ye would but touch my toe, if the Lord withdrew.

Their he said to one, after a sh [...]ck he had, Find you any alteration in my pulse with this? Ans. No, it is as vigorous as yesterday. Well, well, said he, I will wait cheerfully. One said, Ye are well bired to it, as ye use to say yourself. He answered, I am so. I will wait till I be all washen away; but my tongue is my g [...]y, to [Page 234] render the calves of my lips. God has given me my head and my tongue to praise his name. I lost my spirits: God has given me my spirits again.

September 21st, about three in the morming, he said, And is it the Sabbath then? This is a brave Sabbath, the best that ever I had: My pleasant George on a Sabbath night went into his rest: I bestowed him on my God: Blessed be his name, he made me content: I would even have given him all my bairns that way, and I hope it shall be so; blessed be his name.

After a little pause, he said, Shall I forget Zion? way, let my right band forget her arr [...]ing, if I [...]fir not Jeru­sal m to my chief [...]ist joy. O to have God returning to this church, and his work going on in the world: if every drop of my blood, every bit of my body, every hair of my head, were all men; they should go to the fire, to have this going on.

And after that, to soure he said, O firs, I could not believe that I could have [...]o [...]e, and borne cheerfully, this rod so long; this is a miracle, pain without pain; and this is not a fancy of a man disordered in his brain, but of one lying in full composure. O blessed be God that ever I was born. I have a father, a mother, and ten brethren and sisters in heaven, and I shall be the eleventh. O blessed be the day that ever I was born. O if I were where he is, and yet for all this, God's will drawing from me would make me as weak as water. All this I enjoy, though it be miracle upon miracle, would not make me stand without new supply from God. The thing J rejoice in is, that God is altogether full, and that in the mediator Christ Jesus, there is all the fullness of the Godhead, and it will never run out.

After a while's silence, some having heard him grean­ing, he said, it is not jor pain I am groaning, but for the poor church of Scotland, and for the cup of indignation in the Lord's hand that is going about. I have been days, weeks, and months in terror, thinking what would I do in the days of pestilence; but now I see in him there is safety, and that an invisible God can keep from a visible stroke; but O it is a strange thing to corsider how an in­beliering heart could not trust him; but now I am kept in persect peace, T [...]e name of the Lord is a strong t [...]wer; [Page 235]here is a strong tower: And he that dwells under the sha­dow of the most High shall abide, and not be afraid. O the book of God, firs, is a rich treasure, a sweet book: make all much use of your Bibies.

Then to his wife he said, O wait upon him, for he is a good God to his own, and he never takes any thing from them, but [...] gives them as good, and better back again; ye will get himself. My dear, we have had many a sweet day together; we must part for a while, but we will meet again, and shall have one work in the praises of God, in the praises of the I a [...]b. O how wonderful is it! and let my soul wonder. O to get a discovery of him, eye so eye; it is so much enlivening. It is life [...] to know the bring God and Jesus Christ. I will not say with Job, when it is morning, when will it be evening? no, I dare not say it: It will be but a little while, and I will get rest.

Then to some present he said, Do ye think that he will come and receive the p [...]er of hope the day? Whether he do or no, holy and righteous is be, but I confess I long for it. This is vastly more that I am bearing than [...]ay deaths, and yet the Lord bears up sweetly with his power. Were it not the power of grace, nature would distract under what I have upon me even now, but the Lord upholds me. I do not weary, but the hireling longs for his wages. He seems in his adorable wisdom to try me further, and holy and reverend is his name; he is not wanting to me. One said, Well, that is enough, if he is now giving you a heavy burden to bear, be gires you such remarkable supply. He said, I desire only grace to be faithful to the death unto the Lord Jesus, unto my God, until I come to the land of praises, even to jerusa­lems gares, to pay thanks to the name of the God of Ja­cob. One said, You have his promise for through-bearing, and he cannot sail in performing it. I hear the defluxion has been uneasy to you the night. He answered, Yea, yea; but O keep me from impatience, or charging my God foolishly. One said, It is weak faith that cannot believe, when it has such a support of sensible comfort as you have. He answered, the hundredth part of this [...] would have put me into a diffraction, if the Lord [Page 236]had not sustained me. This is his day, it is his holy rest. I long for the rest; I long for this desirable rest. One said, We [...], you have reached a will submissive to his. He answered, It takes a great deal of hammering to po­lish us, and make us meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.

To his son he said, My dear David, I am lying here man, finding how good God is; and I would fain have my David, I would fain have you God's, and acquaint with his way, that when I am dead, I may live in you, and you may tell to the generation not born, how good God is. O man, if I had you a seeker of God, I would think myself happy in it. Then a minister asked, if he should pray. He answered, Yea, yea, pray for me.

After prayer, he said, This night my skin has burnt, my heart has panted, my body has been, bruised on the bed with weakness, and there is a sore upon me that is racking my spirit, and my heart has been sometimes like to fail: and yet I cannot say, but the Lord, after all this trouble holds me in health in the midst of all. If the Lord give such support, and continue me years in this, I have no reason to complain. One said, No hypocrite is able to counterfeit that language in such a case as you are in. He answered, It is as great a wonder to me, as to any about me. Brother, I know not whether I may not de­sire you to beg of the Lord, with respect to your body, even to pity and to shorten, if it be his will, my trial; the hireling longs for his wages; but I have rerson to do it with submission.

Thereafter he said, My body has got such a hurt, that I believe I will scarce recover it; and that is the thing that keeps all my body in a fire. The panting for want of breath is over; but O it is the mercy of God that keeps me composed. This trouble of my bowels draws my stomach and all together as if it were with cords: And yet I must say, What am I, and what is my father's house, that God b [...]s brought me hitherto. One said, You have resigned yourself to his will and pleasure; and he will strengthen you with patience; he gives strength for the burden. He answered, He has done it hitherto, I have a heart warm to God, and I have a carnal heart too. [Page 237]One said, Corruption will temain while in the body. He answered, But I long to be away, to get a deliverance. One said, In doe time that will come. Then he said, I am lying here, and the Lord helps me to wait for that consolation that is in Christ, that will [...]ll me with admi­ration to eternity: But I have already the pleasant perce­able fruits of righteousness, and sweet composure. I had what was worse than a thousand deaths, and he has held me by the hand.

To the minister he said, The Lord has been still with me. I am carnal, but I long for a deliverance from the remainders of a body of sin. I long for a deliverance from this trouble; if God lengthen it out, if he give me more troubles, then why not, righteous is his name. I know not what alteration may be. I long indeed for a share of that everlasting rest; and I confess I am like a bird on the wing, and I would fain be at Immanuel's land, where the tree of life is. Well, all this is encouragement to you to acquaint yourself with God; you see religion is advantageous; great is the gain of gallizess. All these soft clothes are like sacking about me; and yet I have perfect case of spirit. My breast is drawing together, as sore as it were with cords; and still the Lord keeps composure. What is this! I could have scarce believed, though I had been told it, that I could have been kept in the right ex­ercise of my judgment under this racking pain. The drawing of the breast seems to me to be, as if I were all hung together, all pulled together: So that I would make that improve ent, whatever comes of it, I am sure I am a demonstration that there is a reality in religion; and I rejoice in this, that God has honoured a sinful worm, so as to be a demonitration of his grace. I am preaching the gospel. I have a dispensation committed to me, shame belongs to me; I am a sinner, the praise of all belongs to him; worthy is the Lamb, to receive glory. I hope I shall shortly be at that glory I have been long expect­ing: though I come not near Mr. Shield's glory, nor Mr. Anderson's, &c. Only, O if I were in, I will be well enough, I will be well enough when I win in. Dear friends about me, take the commendation off my hand; while I live I must preach the gospel: He has given me a while yet here, that should be reckoned precious, and I [Page 238]reckon it should be my work still to commend him. The word soeaks, providence speaks in me; and if there be a despising of the gospel under this new discovery, take heed, it will still make it the worse with you. Glory to him that ever he revealed himself in me! be is free in his love. I was wallowing in my blood; but he fast by, and cast his skirt over me; like the kindly mother to the bairn, at first it behoved to be cleansed and swaddled, and again cleansed after that it is puddled; so I will be to cleanse to the end.

To two ministers that tarried with him, when the resst went to the church, be said, I would desire a word read, and prayer, and if my head would endure, I would fain hear singing. I do not now find any change, but there may be; and I am the less concerned, because the Lord in some measure has taken away that inclination to limit him as to the hour; though ye may be sure the hireling longs for his wages. He caused read Psalm lxxxiv. and sing the latter part of it, and pray: And after prayer, he having joined in singing, said, I had always a mistuned voice, a bad ear, bat which is worst of all, a mistuned heart; but shortly, when I Join the temple service above, there shall not be, world without end, one string of the affections out of tune. And after that, he caused one of the ministers read to him, what Doctor Owen had said of this temple service above, in his book on the person of Christ; often this day did he bloss God be had been help­ed to give such a testimony to God's ways.

To some that came from church, he said, You have been in the assembly of God's people, the desirable assem­bly wherein communion and fellowship with the Father and Son may be attained; and all these enjoyments are among the most valuable to be had here, and they are the way to the reft, which remains for the people of God: But O! to be joined with the company above. How a­miable are thy tabernacles, even here! but more so a­bove, where there is the eagle's eye, that can see a glo­rious light, even the light of the Lord. Now, our faith, even at its highest elevation here, when it looks to these things, they are so great, that we pass from our compear­a [...]ce, we are not able to behold them. Now, I hope [Page 239]in God, and blessed be his name. Though I was one well near the saying, my hope, my strength is perished from the Lord; yet the Lord rebuked that. My unbelief was very impudent in urging suggestions. A shadow of a dif­ficulty will fright, and lay me on my back. I am nothing, less than nothing, a vile sinner; but mercy does all, I bless him; and he himself has said it, and done it; and now I am lying his debtor not able to pay a mite of it.

Then to the ministers he said, Now I would fain hear, sirs, hear of the gospel, hear of Christ. On which the ministers present discoursed a while on the promises of God, the faith and experiences of the saints in sormer times. [...] Lord, said he, has indeed de lt wonderful­ly with [...] he has taken me out of the miry clay and set my fact upon a rock; he has come in the watches of the night, and cairned the waves of the raging sea. I expect­ed no smile when I took this trouble; and many a time I have been this winter at saying, I am like to be a branch that is withered, and cast over the hedge; I brought all this strait on myself; and I thought, if I could win away creep­ing with terrors, to be plunged into eternity with a per­adventure, it was fair; praise is comely; I am one of the chief of sinners very kindly dealt with; whence is this to me!

At night, he said, There will be a turn. One said, Yea, no doubt of that, your defluxion is already dried up. He said, I take shivers, that I am hopeful, it is my de­liverance coming, under the conduct of the great Cap­tain of salvation, I will shake hands with the king of terrors; though one sit of sickness would but take away my tongue, another my ear, another my throat, I will be content. One said, That is a mercy. He said, Yea, yes. a troubled sea, a mied fretting, rising up in rebel­lion against God. is uneasy. I bless him, I got that mer­cy in the violence of my trouble; he kept me from daring to entertain a harsh thought of him: he held me by the hand: and I see now what corruption is; even while under the most of God and his goodness, I have been kept under a continual sear of my ill heart. These are the two worst enemies I have, self with its fair shews, its secret insinuations, and unbelief, struggling hard against me. [Page 240]It is a mercy he gives me now and then, when I am able to speak, leave to follow the old trade, to preach and commend Christ; I think be has given me good cause. Sometimes I find it safer for my body and head, to [...]r others speaking.

After he had lien quiet a little, to his wife he said, O! my dear, I was just praying for you and your bairns, and commending you to your God, and my God, to our fa­ther's God. Being much troubled with the cough, he said, there are no coughs in heaven.

In the night time be caused read the songs of degrees, and said, They were so called by some, because they were sung on the steps of the stair, that led up to the temple: And, said he, what meeter to be read to a poor sinner, that aims at climbing up the hill of God, where the tem­ple of God is. Under the Old Testament, it was only the high priest that was to enter within the most holy place, and that once a year, and not without blood; but now there is a way opened into the holiest of all, for every believer.

One said, I thought, sir, you was expressing your sears anent the times. He answered, Yes, indeed; I am no prophet, I am not positive on the head, but I greatly fear a heavy stroke coming on this land, I fear the plague of God is coming on Scotland. One said, The pestilence, sir, do you mean! He said, Yes, indeed, and a bloody sword also. Nay, it is what I seared these se­veral years, and I bide by it, I am of the same mind still; and I do not see what way it is evitable without a mira­cle; and a miracle I do not expect: But seek to be esta­blished in the truth. These are like to be shaking times.

September 22, at half two, he asked what hour it was? and said, early in the morning my friends should be ac­quainted, because I do expect this cough will hasten the deliverance; the Lord can do it speedily, but in the mean time, he will give me rest. Rest with himself. What needs a poor creature, that hath a prospect of soch a rest, wea­ry of outward trouble? I am lying ve [...]y composedly, glory to his name; I hope I am going to the land where there is a calm. One said, You have no reason to doubt of that calm. He said, No, no.

[Page 241] Then he renewed his dis ourse on the case of the church, and said, Zion has been much upon my heart; I have had much t [...];ing about the poor kirk of Scotland; O what, will come of it, and the town of St. Andrews! Then he expressed his fears of a stroke coming on all the churches, that God was about to give them a terrible shake. One said, If so, I would sain hope it may be Antichrist's last stroke. He answered, Perhaps it may be so. He spoke of Mr. Hooker's denunciation of wrath against England, which is mentioned in the history of New England. And, said he, we are going to unite with the sins of France; what ground of fear may this be? I fear persecution by the popish party. One said, However it is the more hopeful that the reformed churches are like to be joined with us in the trial. He answered, But I am very ap­prehensive God is about to winnow the reformed churches indeed. Well, well, said he, I will get out of the dark cloud; within a little, I will be in Abraham's bosom, yea, in the bosom of him that carries the lambs in his be­som; and I am sure of goodness and [...]r [...]y in great store, even all that is laid [...]p for his people, to follow me. O he is good to a poor worm, the chief of sinners! O! let us exalt his name together; it is the consiant employ of all a [...]ove, they cease not day nor night, the see and sing, they have a clear vition. O if I saw his lovely sace, that is fairer than the sons of men, yea, that is beyond the sun at noon-day! O to be where there is no sin. How sweet has even this bed been! though sin remains, and my trou­ble is great, yet I have been composed in the midst of my trouble. He can give heaven in the worst cases. What shall I say? How shall I conceal his goodness?

Thinking on the students of divinity, who were then s [...]parate in time of vacance, he dictated a letter, to be com­municated to them at their next meeting; the copy where­of follows:

" Dearly [...]e [...]ved in our Lord my joy and hope, and the hope, shall I says, of the church of Scotland: "YOU are devoted to the study of the gospel, for preserving a seed to serve the Lord in the church of Scot­land, [Page 242]in order to the continuance of the gospel with the [...]iting generation. A prospect this is of the highest con­cern, the most honcurable piece of service you can ever be employed in. This study, weakly as I could, I did [...]adea [...]our to assist you in, according to the measure of the gift of Christ, in public, in private, to the u [...]ost that a sading body would allow, and beyond; yet with much pleasure and satisfaction, in hopes that the Lord one day might make my weak Libours, and your vigorous studies, through his blessing, useful in the church of God, a blessing to posterity, and a high honour to yourselves. Want of health allowed me not what was in my heart to have done for your assistance and encouragement: And now I have no more left me, but to give a sincere testimony of my intire affection for you, and that I have really the yearnings of a parent's bowels towards you, by signifying in the short line when upon a death-bed and near the con­fines of eternity, that you may vigorously ply that study, end rest not short of saving acquaintance with the power of divine truth, and experimental knowledge of the mys­tery of God and of Christ, diligently using all means, that the word of God may dwell in you richly, and that you may have treasures furnished richly with things n [...]w and old, and that ye may prove one day able min [...]ders of the new t [...]siament: But rest not, for the Lord's s [...]ke, and for your own soul's sake, in the bate fruits of your own stu­dy; but seek to be taught of God, that you may at once grow in grace and in the knowledge of God: Beware of curiosities and nove [...]ties in religion: Adhere, as you will be answereable, unto the doctrine of the church of Scot­land, sincorely taught by your worthy and judicious, mas­ter, whom ye are happy in, if you know your o [...] mer­cy, and have grace given you to improve it. This is a time of abounding errors; beware of drinking them in, beware of an assu [...]ning boldness in the matters of God. The fear of the Lord is the begin [...]in [...] of wisdom. What man fears God, God will teach him the secret of his [...]. I have not time not strength, being by the Lord's hand cut short, to write my mind dis [...]ctly to you: but since I am now very near [...]ernity, loaded with the riches of God's goodness, I could not but by this line signify my sin­cere [Page 243]desire, that you may be nourithed to in the words of tr [...]th, and that you may use wholesome food, and be kept from poison. I recemmend to you among human writings, for a true view of the mystery of the gospel, especially those of the great doctor Owen: But the word of God, in dependence upon the Spirit of God, must be your study and meditation day night. Words cannot express what I have sound of God since I came to this bed of languishing, what advantage I have sound of hav­ing minted at following that God, that truth, that gos­pel, which I recommend to you; and therefore, am bold to recommend to you this, as the most noble, honourable, advantageous work you can be employed in; and I am this day sure, from experience, that it is better to serve the Lord in the gospel of his S [...], than to serve the great­est princes on earth, in the highest station. If God help you in this service to be faithful, the reward is too great to be expressed. My thoughts, my words are swallowed up, and my affection towards you is such that my body would quite sink to speak what is on my heart of love to you, and de [...]re to have you acquaint with my dearest Lord, to whom I was always deeply obliged, but now I am so much indebted, that I sear to mention how good he has been to my soul. O chuse him, cleave to him, serve him, study to know more and more of him, live in communion with him. Never rest till you reach eternal communion with him. This is all from your dying master. I have desired my brother-in-law to sign this in my name. A death bed will excuse confusion. I wish nothing more than that, after you have done much ser­vice to the church here, I may have the happiness to hear you approven by the great She [...]rd of the sheep.

THOMAS HALYBURTON."

To a min [...]er [...] said, I think, brother, my case is 2 pretty said [...] of the immortality of the soul. One said, Your [...] may be confounding to athei [...]s. Then he said, Glory, glory, for support, continued sup­port to the chief of sinners. O that I could sing forth his praise. Indeed I am p [...]ient, yet not I, but the grace of God in me. Not I, should ay be at hand. Coursed self, [Page 244]carsed self that robs God of [...]is glory. Could I have believed (but I am an unbelieving body) that I could have had this pleasure and patience in this condition! Once or twice Satan was at the brangling of my faith. I wakened in a sort of a carnal frame, and thought I had loft my jewel; but row, I hope, he will sland by me to the end. If ever I was distinct in my judgment and memory in my life, it was since he laid his hand on me; glory to him; what shall I render to him? My bones are riving through my skin; and yet all my bo [...]es are praifing him. I said, I am cest out of thy fight, but I will l [...]sk again to­wards thy boly temple. The [...]nemics of the gos [...]el in St. Andrews, shall have this among other things to ans [...]er for, that God has taken and singled me out for a mo­nument of his mercy; but the design and upshot of it is, for the establishment and consolation of his own, and, I hope, for the engaging of some, may be, poor young things to God. Glory to the Captain of salvation. O death, where is thy sling? O grave, where is thy victory? There is no curse of a broken law here, I will get the good of the day.

To a minister that said, How are you, sir, the day? be ansvered, I bless his name, I am posling to eternity, to heaven.

To a gentlewoman he said, Well, desirable neighbour, I am dying in a way that may confirm that God is good. Well, well, I am near heaven. Then he sainted, and said, this is another [...]essenger come for me.

When he was to take a little refreshment, in seeking a blessing he used these following expressions: " Glory to God in the highest, that there is good will to men, and seace in earth; glory that life and immortality is brought to light. Help to put a crown on the mediator's head, grace's head: It will be oar glory to etercity, to run deeper and de [...]per in debt. Glory to God, that a vile worm, the [...] of siuners, is singled out to be a monument of his g [...], and a trampeter of his praise. Who is a God like [...]o thee, &c."

Aster he had taken the refreshment, he said, Trust him to all eternity, credit his word. I listened to unbelief since I came to this bed, and it had almost killed me; [Page 245]but God rebuked it. I sought the victory by prayer; and God has give it; he is the hearer of prayer. I have not much more to do with death.

To one he said, Another messenger comes for me, a cough. O man, I am bindly dealt with! The Lord has done wonderful things. Only grace to be sober to the end: for our strength lies in him. Not we, O man, this is an up-making for the residue of my days. Well, 38 years come December 25th, is my age, Hezekiah said, I am cut off from the residue of my years; but I will not say so. God is giving me this to make up the residue of my years. The Lord is even washing away my body, to let me see, that ray spirit can live without. I will not weary through his grace now. Brother, mind me, that the Lord may help me to honour him to the and. Ay, I will be washen, and get white robes, the crown on my head, and palms in my hands.

I am calling you to see a miracle, God is melting me down into corruption and dust, and yet he is [...]eeping me in a calm. O! who is like unto our [...]d? Not unto us, not unto us, but to thy name O Lord, be the praise. Our light endure but for a moment, work on [...] for us a far more afflictions that xceeding and eternal weight of glory. I will get the martyr's crown, with the minister of Christ's crown; and O but the martyr's crown is a glorious crown. I am now a witness for Christ, for the reality of religion; and I am suffering. It is given unto me, not only to be­lieve, but to suffer for his name. I sought an increase of faith from the Lord Jesus, and our lord has heard me; and now it is but a little, and I will get the crown. And though there be a little noisomeness about me, yet I am willing that you be spectators of it; for it was not for my sake that I meet with this, but for your establishment. Is there not a beauty in this providence?

After a wrestling with defluxion in his throat, he said, The Lord has sent another messenger for me, to hasten me home. The other day I would have been away without this glorious evidence of the grace of God; but this is more for my advantage, that I am thus tried and com­forted. I am ha [...]ning, and I will not complain of the flow paces of time. Why are has chariot wheels so long a [Page 246]coming? But I will not say so any more: Yet a little while and be that shall come, will come, and will not tarry. Come here, all ye that fear the Lord, and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul. Then he caused a minis­ter pray, and said, Pray that he may enable me for the las;t stroke, so that I may be a conqueror, and more than conqueror.

To his son he said, David, come man, O seek thy fa­ther's God. I am like the slave born in God's house, and I, my wise and h [...]irns, are the Lord's, therefore let your ear be bored to his door post, and be his servant for ever: and if ye serve him, my God will bless you, he will bless you for ever. Come, my dear, your grandfa­ther and grandmother are in heaven. Is it not hard, man, to die well, for them that do not know God in Christ? If you knew the sore skin that I have, you would cry and greet, [i. e. weep]. I am not greeting nor cry­ing. How glad would I be, if I knew my little stock, David, would be a witness for God, a sufferer for the name of Christ, striving and resisting even unto blood. I had rather have you such, than an emperor of the uni­verse, and would rejoice more in it. Where I called to it, I would spond my blood, and go through fire and wa­ter for it.

Then he said, if I would say, that I would speak no more in the name of the Lord, it would be like a fire within my breast. I was early [...]ausing with myself, how I would stand the shock, and be a martyr against popery: I lay one night musing about it, and slept none, &c. (See pages 42, 43.)

When some looked to him as if they had been amazed, he said, Why look ye stedfastly on me, as if by my might or power, I were so? Not I, but the grace in me; it is the Spirit of God that supports me. I am here on a death bed, going to heaven. 'Tis but a little time, and corruption will be raised in inconuption.

To his daughter he said, Margate, I charge you to seek early the God of your father; he is a wonder-working God.

To his wife be said, Be not discouraged, my dear, at the unavoidable consequences of nature which I was un­der, [Page 247]it is an evidence that there is but a very little, and death will be swallowed up in victory; the body will be shaken into pieces. I am washing away, blessed be God; and yet my head is as composed as it was before my sick­ness.

To another of his daughters, he said, Janet, O seek God; he is good, he will be a better father than I am; you are born in his house. I have not a child, I have given you all to him; I leave you to the abundant grace of God. I am much concerned for the young generation; I fear they shall all cast at religion together.

To a gentlewoman in the parish of Cores, he said, Be­hold your dying minister; I am hastening to eternity; and hastening to heaven as fast as I can: I am dying in the faith of these truths I preached among you; you may remember I preached on that text, When I heard, my belly trembled: My lips quivered at the voice: Rottenness entered into my bones, and I trembled in myself, that I might rast in the day of trouble, Hab. iii. 16. Then you may re­member, I told you, that there was a rest to the Lord's people even in trouble; and now I seal this rest. O! I am well hired to all this; I have perfect composure of spirit, perfect peace without any roving, or any thing that is the effect of disorder: O what wonderful power is that! Tell my parishioners, that my God is blessing me, that the single mints I made at serving him in preach­ing the gospel of his Son, the Lord has already reward­ed it to a miracle: Now I find the gospel the power of God to salvation, all surts of salvation. All in our reli­ligion is experimental, it will bide the proof. Well, mistress, God bless you, and bless your bairns, and make them a blessing to you; seek God, make earnest of religion. O what shall I render to the Lord! Blessed be God that he gives so honourable an occasion to commend him.

To one of his children he said, if you forsake the God of your father, that has been so kind to me, this will be a witness against y [...] here I am a witness, that our rock is not as their roc [...].

Then to some present he said, My moisture is much exhausted this night; but the d [...]w lies all night on my [Page 248]branches, the dew that waits not for man, nor tarries for the sons of men. O what cannot grace do! how have I formerly fretted and repined at the hundredth part of the trouble I have on my body new. Here you see a man dying a monument of the glorious power of admirable astonishing grace: And generations to come shall call me blessed. Follow my advice, study the power of religion, it is the power of religion and not a name that will give the comfort I find. Now, firs, here is something to be improven for a while, it will take telling; there is tel­ling in this providence, it will cost me telling to eternity. If there be such a glory in his conduct about me now, O what will be in that, to see the Lamb in the midst of the throne, to see the Lamb that was slain in the midst of the throne, the Lamb that has the seven horns, and the seven eyes? I have peace in the midst of pain; and O how much of that I have had for a time past! My peace has been like a river, not a discomposed thought. There has been some little suggestions since I got the great assault of my enemies in one league together; I got one assault, and I was like to fall: But since the Lord rebuked them, there is not a discomposed thought, but all calm.

To the ministers he said, Brethren, bless God on my behalf, and pray I may be helped, I have been grappling with the king of terrors, and I find he is conquerable; I found the rattling of his drum in my throat, (meaning the choaking defluxion in his throat), and I was not affrighted: I am melting away bravely.

To two of the students he said, Well, lads, you see your dying master confined within these four stoops, and by the grace of God he is what he is, he is dying as one unto whom the Lord is shewing himself marvellously good: This is no roving of a sick man; I bless God I never had my judgment more distinct all my days, an evidence of the reality of religion. When the de [...]iu [...]ion came up, he called for a little twist, and said, I think all the sub­stance of my body shall evacuate this way. But with a smiling countenance said, it is welcome: Now, my bo­dy is wasting like a piece of brae [i. e. a bank] by a mighty current; and yet the power of God keeps me up.

[Page 249] To a gentlewoman he said, You are come to see your old dying friend, a wonder indeed, but a wonder of mer­cy: I have preached from the pulpit, but now I am preach­ing from a death-bed; and I would be conrent, if sensi­ble presence were continued, to speak till flesh and bones were washen and wasted to nothing. Labour to get a clear view of him. The God of glory appeared to me; and the first sight I got of him, was such, as it wan my heart to him, so as it was never loosed; though I have had many wanderings, yet I can say, I was never myself till I wan back to the center again. Follow me, take my word for it, he is a good matter, ye will never rue the service; and I am well hired to it. He took a little rattle in his throat, and said, This may be irksome to you; but every messenger of death is pleasant to me, and I am only detained here, that I may trumpet forth his praise a little longer.

About noon he said, I was just thinking on the plea­sant spot of earth that I will get to lie in, beside Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Forrester, principal Anderson, &c. and I will come in as the little one among them, and I will got my pleasant George in my hand; and O we will be a knot of bonny [i. e. comely] dust. Then he said, it will not be all my sore bones that will make me weary yet, as long as God gives me a tongue to speak, and judgment to con­ceive, to preach the gospel.

He broke out in frequent admiration with the greatest warmness at what he selt: Strange, said he, this body is washing away to corruption, and yet my intellectuals are so lively, that I cannot say there is the least alteration, the least decay of judgment or memory; such vigorous actings of my spirit towards God, and things that are not seen! but, said he, Not I, not I, but the grace of God in me. Not unto us, not unto us; which still I must have on my heart, since cursed sell is apt to steal glory from God; here I must watch, left the enemy give me a wound.

Then to some ministers when they came in, he said, What a demonstration has God given you and me of the immortality of the soul, by the vigour of my intellectuals, and the lively actings of my spirit after God, and the things of God, now when my body is so low, and also pained.

[Page 250] At night he fell very weak, and after a sore conflict, prayer being ended, he said, Ebenezer. One said, The Lord has helped hitherto, and he will help.

Sometime thereafter he said, Good is the will of the Lord, and every one of the these throws is good, and I must not want one of them; I must not [...]lie from my post, but must stand as a sentinel, for this is my particular work: This would be hard work without Christ, but it is easy having him the Captain of salvation.

He complained of his head, but said, in a battle there must be blood and dust; every battle of the warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled in blood. 'Tis meet I should be hard put to it, that I may know to whom I owe my strength. O that I were at the throne above, that my g [...]immering sight were taken away, that this un­steady faith might terminate in perfect vision.

Then looking to a minister, he said, this is Gymnasium. And some who stood by, asking what that word meant, he said, it was a school for exercise, a place where they wrestled and fought naked; and I am in agony, and wrest­ling with the king of terrors. But, said the minister, you will obtain the victory through the Captain of salvation, who, you know, is able to keep what you have commit­ted to him.

When he revived, after a severe shock, he said, I am defeat; and added, I am shipwrecked into health again. One said, But you have still a pleasant view of an end of all your pain and trouble in that land, where the inhabi­tant shall not say he is sick. At which he gave pleasant looks and smiles, and turned up his eyes and hands while he was not able to speak.

One said, Blessed are they that die in the Lord; there is much that goes before, along with, and after it. We groan in this tabernacle, being burdened, not simply that we would be dissolved, but clothed upon with our house which is from heaven. Then he said, when I fall so low that I am not able to speak, I will shew you a sign of triumph when I am near glory, if I be able.

Then he was for a while very low, he swooned, and thereafter, as prayer was ended, he revived a little. One said, Had you no trouble? He answered, No, I know [Page 251]not where I was; I know nothing about it. Yea, yea, he can do no iniquity. It is meet there should be a trial. I am wonderfully helped, beyond the power of nature. If my mouth be not wet every moment, it is as hot as fire.

Then he said, The conflict is pretty long, but blessed be he that gives patience. I am mightily spent. One said, Shall we pray a short word? He answered, Yes.

Thereafter [...] said, That [...] will be repaired again in a more glorious manner. Our vile body, will be [...] I like [...] Then he said, I am very well pleased of the [...] away now. The Lord has allowed me long [...]ise of thoughts a­bout my condition.

A little after that, he said, Lord pity.

Long after, being like to [...]omis, he said, I am effec­tually choaked. Then he said, I desice to adhere to the Lord; but I am like to be quite choaked with deflux­ion. He had elevated looks, and cried, Pity, pity, Lord.

To his wise he said, My dear, be not discouraged, tho' I should go away in a fainting sit, the Lord's way is the best way; and I am composed.

To some others he said, You need not be discouraged, sirs; what if I should go away with a fit of vomiting or fainting, it is all one. I did not know whether I was up or down.

After that he said, though my body be sufficiently teaz­ed, Yet my spirit is untouched.

One said, You seem to be near the crown that you have been wrestling so long for. He cried, free grace, free grace, not unto me. Speaking of his body, he said, Why should it not go to dust?

One said, You have been crying much to God that he would be with you; and I doubt not but you are find­ing it now. He said, Yes. One said, Now you are putting your seal to that truth, that great is the gain of godliness. He answered, Yes indeed. One said, And I hope your are encouraging yourself in the Lord. As a sign of it he lifted up his hands and clapped them, when he could not speak.

[Page 252] Then in a little he went to the land where the weary are at rest.

N. B. He spoke little the last six hours before his death, only some broken sentences, which with difficulty were understood; but urged the ministers present with him to discourse to him, and oft cried, pray, pray, which pas done by five or six ministers, till he fell asleep in the Lord, which was about seven in the morning, September 2 [...]d 17 [...]2.