WHEREAS it hath pleased Almighty God to visit me in years past with much sick­ness, pain and distress, at different times and in various ways, it becomes me to be hum­ble before him, and to notice all his dealings with me. And as He hath seen fit again to restore me to health and strength in a very remarkable manner, it is my desire to make mention of his kindness, and to give glory to his great Name.

That I might not forget the wonderful things the Lord hath done for me, I have kept an account of the chief events which have happened to me for a number of years past. Many of my friends and acquaint­ance have expressed a desire to have the ac­count made public; and having taken the matter under serious consideration, I now think it to be my duty to let the world know what God hath done for my body, and what he hath done for my soul. I shall therefore proceed to give some account of my sickness, [Page 6]and of the exercises of my mind; but shall confine myself to the particulars, lest I should be thought too lengthy.—

WHEN I was about ten years old, I dream­ed a very uncommon dream, which put me on serious inquiries, and led me for a while to consider on my ways. But being young and gay, my mind was soon lightened of its burden, and my seriousness almost left me. The young company I kept, engaged much of my time and attention, and I was led step by step into the follies and vanities of the world. I had many calls, but I turned a deaf ear to them.

On the 5th of July, 1786, (being that day 17 years old) I was taken with a severe fit of sickness, of a nervous kind. I was reduc­ed so low by this illness, that I did not ex­pect to recover; and several times the fami­ly thought I was dying; one night in partic­ular they could not perceive (as they have since told me) that I had life in me. I have often been told that for above forty nights together I was not known to sleep so much as one hour.

When I had my reason, I thought death was very near, even at the door. I was told that, if I believed in Christ, I should be sav­ed; and I did believe that there was a God, and a Christ, and hoped that I should be saved; but I did not know that I must first have a new heart. It however pleased God [Page 7]to raise me from that sickness to a comforta­ble measure of health.

About this time there was a reformation in Westford, and I was greatly desirous that there might be one in this town, and among my mates, and then I thought I would en­gage in religion. The thought of being first was painful to me, because I supposed others would condemn and despise me for it. And therefore I concluded to put it off till a more convenient time, hoping that something would awaken the attention of people to the great things of religion. But before a more convenient season arrived, I was again seized with a severe illness which soon deprived me of my reason. But although my reason after a few days was again restored in some mea­sure, I was entirely deprived of the use of my limbs. I was unable to move hand or foot. My constitution appeared to be fast debilita­ting, and I was in great pain and distress. The family once or twice thought I was breathing my last, and called in the neigh­bours to see me expire. Although I expected in a few minutes to be in eternity, death did not appear to be dressed in terror. But all this time I did not know the nature of the new birth. Had I then died, what would have become of me!

But God was pleased to raise me from this sickness, so that I was comfortable, although very weak and feeble. My mind dwelt much upon the following words— Now is the ac­cepted [Page 8]time. And considering the state of my body, I thought I must comply with the conditions of pardon now or never; that I must make my peace with God now or never. And I often thought on those words of our Saviour— Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. John iii.3. And I did greatly desire to know what the new birth was, and I was much in prayer, and hoped to be accepted on that account. But on the 29th of October, I was again seized, and con­fined to my bed, and was so delirious that I knew but little of my sickness. At length, my reason having returned, I heard my Nurse reading these lines, in which Christ speaks to Youth:—

These words sunk deep into my heart, and led me to a sense of my sinful state, to which I had been almost a stranger. My mind was in great distress. My sins appeared very nu­merous and aggravating, on every side. I looked back upon the precious time I had spent in vanity, and considered how many calls and warnings I had received and slight­ed, the gracious offers of pardon I had neg­lected and had refused to comply with, that I might have life. I was afraid that the of­fers which I had rejected would never again be renewed. For some time I read and [Page 9]studied my bible; but every thing I found was against me, and I laid it aside. I then took up a book, on the great concern of a preparation for death, but it would not im­part any comfort. My distress and agony of soul were too great for language to ex­press. Those who have experienced the same can feel better than I can describe them. When I looked up for mercy, it seemed that God and Christ were turned against me. The gate of heaven appeared to be closed, while the doors of hell stood wide open to receive me. My life appeared to be very short, and my mind was heaviness, and my heart was sorrow.

Reading nothing but the Dialogue between Christ and Youth, referred to above, and be­ing in a very gloomy frame of mind, my par­ents wished to know the cause of my trouble, and what it was that took such hold of me; but I was unwilling to explain the matter, and put them off. However, the young woman who slept with me insisted one night that I should tell her what laboured so much in my mind. Then I opened my mind to her by asking this question —If you was in a dungeon, and never expected to come out again, could you take any comfort? She re­plied, "I suppose I could not." I told her then she need not think strange that my mind was in such a troubled state. She said—"You will not always think so; put your trust in God and go to sleep."—These [Page 10]words increased my distress, and I was thrown into great temptations. The chief I attempted to say was, "Lord be merciful to me a sinner." In this unhappy condition I remained for some time; but at length it pleased the God of all comfort to open my eyes, and give me such a view of divine things as I never before experienced. O what sweet views I had of Christ and of di­vine things! The passages of scripture which crowded themselves into my mind came with peculiar sweetness and melody; they brought joy and gladness to my heart. And if, Read­er, you wish to know what portions of holy writ had such a powerful efficacy upon me, you may at your leisure turn to Matth. vii.7, 8. and to Isai. lv.6. You may also ex­amine Matth. xi.28, 29. And these texts are adapted, it seems to me, to fill every thirsty, longing soul with joy and comfort.

My heart was filled with love to God and to Christ. When I considered what great things had been done for me, my thankful joy was greater than I can express. I com­pared myself to a brand taken out of the burning. At once I was set at liberty and ease. And I have often compared my situa­tion to that of a person kept in a dark dun­geon, without ever seeing the light, and after many years is brought suddenly into a clear and bright sunshine. By attending to this comparison, any one may form some opinion [Page 11]how things appeared at that joyous moment. But all the glory is due to God for it.

On the 29th of December, I was taken with a fever, attended with nervous symptoms, whereby I was confined till March following. And during this sickness I was brought very low, so that I was unable to speak a loud word for several weeks, and my physician thought me very dangerous. But though he and all my friends almost despaired of my life, I had inward joy, and it was my pre­vailing belief that I should recover. For though at some particular hours I felt almost discouraged, yet in general I was confident that I should be raised from my bed of sick­ness and distress. After my first sickness, I had a strong impression made upon my mind, one day when I was alone, that I should be sick several times, and at last should recover my health. And afterwards I twice dreamed that I must go through many trials, and that I should frequently be sick, and then recover perfect health. But the impression made by these things was not sufficiently deep and lasting. I could not bring my mind to the firm belief that all this would happen to me. But at length my mind laboured through all the difficulties which it found in its way, and I was satisfied that I should again recover strength. And all the rest of my sickness excepting a few hours, I felt persuaded that I should be raised to health before I left the [Page 12]world. And glory be to God, I have realized what I then expected.

The design of my history does not require me to descend to particulars; and therefore I would mention in general, that from July the 5th, 1786, to July 10th, 1794, I was con­fined on the irksome bed of sickness fourteen times, and several times I was viewed as a dying person, and more than once it was said of me, as I have been since told, that my breath was gone. On the 11th of August, 1787, I was seized with the cramp in my stom­ach, with other complaints. I was soon so fee­ble and relaxed that I could not even whisper, and by moving in the most gentle manner my bones left their sockets. If a person shook or even wiped my hand, the jar would displace the bones of my fingers. But almost the whole time during this severe illness I expected to recover. In the year 1788, on the 17th of April, a sore began to discover itself in my side; and in the course of ten weeks it gathered and broke several times, not externally, but by discharging large quantities of purulent matter through the urinary passages. This sickness was the most severe and painful that I had ever endured, and it continued about three months. Eight or nine weeks of the time I was rocked in a cradle day and night. It seemed that sleep had almost departed from me. Sometimes I could sleep a few minutes in the morning, but I was not known to sleep one minute in [Page 13]night time for several weeks. But though I was extremely weak and feeble, I expected to recover, except one day when the inward sore in my side was at its greatest degree of soreness and pain, and when, as the Doctor has told me, my disorders were at their crisis. At this time my belief of recovery was some­what weakened; for I was unable to open my eyes or move my lips, and all the nour­ishment I took was given me upon the end of a feather. But at all other periods of my sickness, I was persuaded that I should recov­er. And I have often thought that if a jury of Doctors and all my friends had told me there was no hope of getting well, my confi­dent persuasion would have remained. Some of my friends plainly told me there was no prospect of my restoration, and thought it wrong in me to indulge such an idea. They said, I must not think that because the Lord had done great things for me, he would do greater. To this, reply was made by signs; and I replied that I was sensible that God had really done great things for me, and I believed he would raise me to health: but I felt myself unworthy of the least favour from him, and I could hardly account for my be­lief. For I often thought that, if I was pre­pared for an exchange of worlds, I should prefer death to life. I was afraid, that in case I recovered, I should be led into sin and wickedness; and the thoughts of sinning against God, were more distressing to me [Page 14]than all the pains I bore. I desired, howev­er, to be resigned to God's holy will, and feit grateful to him for that degree of submission which I experienced in the course of my sickness. But on a certain night, (and I hope I shall always remember it with humility) my bodily pains increased to the keenest torture, and I began to murmur and complain. I inquired of myself what I had done, that I must suffer so much more than others round me.

In suffering such pain and distress, with­out ease and sleep, I thought my affliction greater than I could bear. Then was I un­willing that God's will should be done. When in this state of mind, the following lines, in a sudden and powerful manner, dart­ed into my mind:

My mind was then carried to these lines:

Then I thought I could say, Lord, thy will be done. From this time I remained in a fee­ble state for a long time. I was so weak and [Page 15]relaxed, that for two years I seldom or ever dressed or undressed me, or turned myself in bed, without putting some bone out of joint. ^* But the Lord was pleased to be with me, and to give me great comfort in distress. My comfort was so much greater than my distress, that I never was more contented and resign­ed in all my life! And I desired to give glory to God for it, for I was as much indebted to him for my patience as I was for my breath.

In the year 1791, I was some better, and be­gan to gain strength, and do some light work. And in 1792, I was so well as sometimes to do a day's work in a day. In this time, how­ever, my side was daily painful. When I took any cold, or overdid myself, it would swell and be very troublesome to me. Dur­ing this time I was too much taken up with the world, and did not live in such nearness to God as I ought. Engaged in vanity, I gave such a wound to religion as has caused me many a sorrowful hour. But I hope I shall be forgiven both by God and man. And my friends, I beg your prayers for me that I may live in greater nearness to the great and glorious God. And may we all, who have named the name of Christ, be care­ful that we resolve and do the same.

In the year 1793, Nov. 26, I was again seized with the cramp in my stomach, and was very weak and low through the following winter. But in April I rode out for my health, and unluckily fell from my horse, and split the principal bone in my right arm. On the 30th of April, I was taken with a vio­lent fever, attended with other disorders. Having my arm broken, and being infested with various disorders, my outward trials and sufferings were very great. But I thought I should be willing to undergo any thing, if it might be the means of making me live in greater nearness to God. The internal sore in my side had gathered several times, and was then worse than ever. For more than six years, my side had been daily painful to me, and at this time the pain was very distressing. At length the sore broke, and the pain abated, and I collected strength enough to walk out and to ride several times. But on the 7th of July, my disorders raged with more than double violence. I was seized as was sup­posed, with the numb-palsy over my left side; and besides this, I had an attack of the lock-jaw. My arm, hand and eye upon my left side were entirely useless, and I was unable to move my tongue. But all this time my [Page 17]reason was preserved to me. And, though in a great measure sensible of my situation, my mind was impressed with these words,— This sickness shall not be unto death, but for the glory of God. And I expected, that in the use of means, attended with the blessing of Heaven, I should recover, as I had often thought before. Though I was under heavy trials, the Lord seemed near to me, and sup­ported me under them. During this time, all the food I took was of a liquid kind, and ran between my teeth, which seemed to others as well as to myself to be firmly set. Under these difficulties, the sustenance I took was next to none. My strength failed, and the pain in my jaw increased very fast, and sleep almost departed. In this unhappy condition I remained till the 10th day, when, early in the morning, I gave some token to be raised up. I was then put into a chair, in which I leaned back till my bed was made; but when I was laid down again, it seemed that my strength and life were almost gone. But I still believed that I should recover. And while I was thinking what means could with success be used for my restoration, and of what use health would be to me, I was led to think, (and the thought came with great pow­er,) that Christ was as able to raise me with­out means as with them, and that his power must be exerted in either case. I thought that if I had faith in him he could raise me to health and ease, and that I should rise [Page 18]suddenly and walk the room. But consider­ing my disorders and trials, I had no reason to expect any thing of this kind would take place; and I was at times afraid it was a sin to hearken to such a thought, and therefore tried to put it from me; but the more I made the attempt, the more it seemed to be fixed and settled in my mind. I was led to the idea that all things are possible to them that believe; and that if my faith did not fail me, I should be set free from all pain and distress. My mind dwelt upon this text,— They that have faith as a grain of mustard-seed, and should say to a mountain, Be thou removed into the sea, nothing doubting, it should be done. And I also thought of the woman, who believed that if she could touch the hem of Christ's garment, she should be made whole. And other por­tions of scripture of this import came to my mind with great power. And though great were the trials of my faith, it pleased Him, who over-rules all things, to bring me into a more settled belief of a speedy recovery.

It then appeared plain to me what I should be raised for, and it was a solemn thing in­deed. It seemed to me that I should be rai­sed, that I might speak to those around me, to improve time better. But I was at first un­willing to do it, and made a number of ex­cuses. I thought I could not have a face to speak to any, considering what a life I my­self had lived. I was sensible that I never could in any matter express my ideas as I [Page 19]should be glad to; and I knew I was very ig­norant, and so could not be capable of teach­ing others. My mind at this time was deep­ly engaged on the subject.

My thoughts and excuses which then em­ployed my attention may be found in the fourth chapter of Exodus, from the 10th to the 13th verse, and in the first chapter of Jeremi­ah, from the 6th to the 10th verse.

At length I was made willing, and felt re­signed to God's will. And then I laid wait­ing for the minute to come when I should rise. While thus waiting, I was thrown into great distress for breath, like a person dying. I was asked whether I was dying, and I made signs that I was not; and my faith and con­fidence remained. My distress continued about half an hour, and when it was greatest, my numbness, my pain and distress left me, and I immediately arose from my bed of sickness, and seemed to be constrained to ut­ter these words;— In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I am commanded to arise from this bed of sickness, and to walk and to praise him. I then felt free from all my infirmities. In a mo­ment I was, it seemed to me, in perfect health and ease. My heart was filled with joy and with praise, to that great and glorious God who had appeared for me; and I called upon all who stood by to praise the Lord with me. I desired that my Minister and my neighbours might be sent for; and when they came, they were struck with great surprise, and re­joiced [Page 20]with me in my recovery. I desired them all to join with me in praising the Lord for his great goodness to me. I wished all to unite in prayer and praise to God, and re­quested the Rev. Mr. Packard to lead in our devotions. And after prayer, we sang the 116th psalm, first part.

O how grateful and happy I felt! I can never express the exercises of my mind, nor the grateful feelings of my heart. And I hope I shall never forget the great things which God hath done for me.

Thus, Reader, have I attempted to give thee a true, though short, account of my various sicknesses and frequent recoveries. And my earnest desire and prayer is, that thou mayest love and serve that God who hath been thus kind and gracious to me, and that thou may­est enjoy his favour and the rewards of his heavenly kingdom.

I gladly embrace this opportunity, to re­turn sincere thanks to my friends and neigh­bours, for their attention and kindness to me, and I hope they will be blessed with the best of Heaven's blessings. Come, my friends, behold and see the wonderful things which a merciful God hath done for me, who am a poor, sinful, unworthy worm of the dust. His gracious dealings with me are more than I can utter, and therefor I wish you would still join with me in praising his holy name. And I humbly beg your prayers for me, that I may walk in the ways of religion, that I [Page 21]may be weaned from every sin, and that I may daily grew in grace and in the knowl­edge of the Lord Jesus Christ. While I live, may I live in the service and to the honour of my Maker, Preserver, and Judge.

I am unwilling to lay aside my pen, with­out writing a few words to my friends.—