CHAP. I.

I WAS born in the northern part of this united kind­dom, in the house of my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on many occasions signalized himself in behalf of his country, and was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success, in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who lived with the old gentleman in quality of house-keeper, espoused her privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much, that her husband, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a Highland seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured before-hand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she war delivered of a tennis-ball, which the de­vil (who, to her great surprise, acted the part of a mid-wife) struck so forcibly with a racket, that is disappeared in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss of her offspring, when all of a sudden she beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the earth, beneath [Page 2] her feet, whence immediately sprung up a goodly tree, co­vered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strong­ly on her nerves, that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their first born would be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his na­tive land, where he would flourish in happiness and repu­tation. How truly this was foretold, will appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person in­formed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son and house-keeper, which alarmed him so much, that, a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling, and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice have no objections. My father, finding it would be im­possible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself for not ha­ving asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose, and that, had his in­clination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures as would have effectually put the gratifica­tion of it out of his power: he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense; and, as for fortune, it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with great tem­per, and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting, while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife would always cultivate with the utmost veneration; that he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection. ‘Your brothers and sisters.’ said my grandfather, ‘did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out an­other habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send you an account of the expence I [Page 3] have been at in your education, with a view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant.’ So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father's disposi­tion, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and, his resolves being invariable as the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so, without any farther application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bed-fellow, to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt; there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which, never­theless, my father chose to endure, rather than to supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent: but my mother, foresee­ing the inconveniences to which she must have been ex­posed, had she been delivered in this place, (and her preg­nancy was very far advanced,) without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which was now irrevocably past. She found means to de­ceive the servants, and was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grie­vances, it being my grandfather's particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly ad­mitted into his presence, where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and, in the most affecting manner, implo­red his forgiveness, at the same time representing the dan­ger that threatened not only her life, but that of his own grandchild which was about to see the light. He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This said, he retired. The violence of my mother's affliction had such an effect on her consti­tution, that she was immediately seized with the pains of [Page 4] child-bed; and had not an old maid-servant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance at the ha­zard of incurring my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable vic­tims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and im­mediately delivered of a man-child, the story of whose un­fortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, be­ing informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and, while he loaded his offspring with paternal caresses, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears, on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon a flock-bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the inclemency of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was igno­rant of what passed, though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised when one of his grandchildren by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir-apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to observe no me­dium, but immediately (on the third day after her deli­very) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father, that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations, and on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him, if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire. The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such circum­stances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, to­gether with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man, who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse; and he ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason. Whether this hard-hearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his son and daughter, or (which [Page 5] is more probable) was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his con­duct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a pro­found melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the particulars of my birth, will appear in the course of these memoirs.

CHAP. II.

THERE were not wanting some, who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by reflecting, that in all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him, but on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father's resentment, and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera, because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whose life was another obstacle to their expectation. Mean while I grew [...]pace, and as I strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted no­thing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins, who, the more my infancy promised, con­ceived the more implacable hatred against me; and, before I was six years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw him but by stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair, as he sat to view his la­bourers in the field; on which occasions, he would stroke my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to take care [Page 6] of me. I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind: but, as he never paid for my board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible; and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I made under his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree, that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my edu­cation, telling him, that if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head. The pedant, who dread­ed nothing more than the displeasure of his patron, assured his honour, that the boy's ability was more owing to his own genius and application, than to any instruction or en­couragement he received; that although he could not di­vest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with God's help, to prevent his future im­provement. And indeed he punctually performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had writ imper­tinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right-hand, and fastened it by a whip-cord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually de­barred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy, who taking up­on him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his un­generous reproach, that, with one stroke of my machine, I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass, that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not be effaced, no more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual wants to which I was ex­posed, [Page 7] and my own haughty disposition, impatient of af­fronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome adven­tures, by which I was at length inured to adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit, be­cause, having the character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing orch­ards I never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master, that I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window, though my landlady and the whole family bore witness, that I was a-bed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry-boat in which I was passenger; another time for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running over me; a third time for being bit by a baker's dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfor­tunate, the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pe­dagogue were the same. Far from being subdued by this infernal usage, my indignation triumphed over that slavish awe, which had hitherto enforced my obedience, and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more I per­ceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was allowed by every body to be the best scholar in the school. This qualification, together with a boldness of temper, and strength of make, which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such influence over them, that I began to form cabals against my persecutor, and was in hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was determined to put their m [...]ttle to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part [Page 8] of the ground allotted to us for the scene of our diversions, and who were then playing at nine-pins on the spot: but I had the mortification to see my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so harrassed and interrupted by these alarms, that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories. It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we perform­ed in the course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch, that when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite, faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play day, to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason of his being close­ly besieged by a numerous family of his female grandchil­dren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the com­mon enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but sox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grand­father's indulgence, in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who, at the same time, performed the office of parish clerk. This young Acteon, who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to every thing in distress, never set eyes on me, without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I gene­rally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunies to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, ob­serving that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore. The behaviour of this rascally syco­phant incensed me so much, that, one day, when I was beleagured by him and his hounds, in a farmer's house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being [Page 9] an excellent marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his fore-teeth, and effectually incapacitated him for doing the office of a clerk.

CHAP. III.

ABOUT this time my mother's only brother, who had been long abroad, lieutenant of a man of war, arrived in his own country; where, being informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender fi­nances not only supplied me with what necessaries I want­ed for the present, but resolved not to leave the country un­til he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome on me for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant not only of the judge's disposition, but also of the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter stranger. He was a strong built man, some­what bandy-legged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier's coat altered by the ship's taylor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches, japanned with pitch, clean grey worsted stockings, large silver buckles that covered three fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat whose crown overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, a black bob wig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, and a hanger with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. This equip'd, he set out with me (who, by his bounty made a very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our reproach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, [Page 10] brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground: but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheel'd about, and by a lucky stroke, severed Jowler's head from his body. By this time, the young fox-hunter and three servants, armed with pitch-forks, and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle stept forward, with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody wea­pon his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted their leader thus:— ‘Lookee, brother, your dogs have boarded me without provocation; what I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot a-head clear of you.’ Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not; but, he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up with a shew of assaulting the lieutenant, who putting himself in a posture of defence proceeded thus:— ‘Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your gin­ger-bread-work. I'll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.’ This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seem'd to check the progress of the young gen­tleman's choler, who, looking behind him, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself. Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin's ask­ing, ‘Who the d—l are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman (I suppose) who has de­serted and turned thief. But don't think you shall escape, sirrah—I'll have you hang'd, you dog, I will—Your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin.—I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruf­fian you.’— ‘None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw (replied my uncle) else I shall trim your lac'd [Page 11] jacket for you.—I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy—I shall.’ So saying, he sheathed his hanger and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being alarm'd, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter?— ‘The matter? (answered the lieutenant;) no great mat­ter, young woman.—I have business with the old gen­tleman; and this spark, belike, won't allow me to come along side of him, that's all.’—After a few mi­nutes pause, we were admitted and conducted to my grand­father's chamber, through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks, as I passed along. When we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner: ‘Your servant, your servant.—What cheer, fa­ther? what cheer? I suppose you don't know me—may­hap you don't—My name is Tom Bowling,—and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither,—'tis like you may'nt.—He's new rigged, i'faith; his cloth don't shake in the wind so much as it was wont to do. 'Tis my nephew, d'ye see, Roderick Random, your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don't lag a-stern, you dog,’ (pulling me forward.) My grand­father (who was laid up with the gout) received this re­lation, after his long absence, with that coldness of civi­lity which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. ‘Thank ye, thank ye, Sir, I had as lief stand, (said my uncle:) for my own part I desire nothing of you; but if you have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate.—Unchristian do I call it?—I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister's son is more neglect­ed than that there fair-weather Jack,’ (pointing to the young squire, who, with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into the room.) ‘Is not he as near a-kin to you as the other? Is he not much handsomer and bet­ter built than that great chucklehead?—Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father; and make all the satis­faction [Page 12] in your power, before it be too late. The least thing you can do, is to settle his father's portion on him.’

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats altogether against my protector. ‘Scurvy com­panion,—saucy tarpaulin,—rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister's brat had been too well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not to make a difference between an unnatural rebellious son, and his dutiful loving children, who took his advice in all things;’ and such expressions, were vented against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence. He calmly [...] my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning; but was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because he himself was a witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, pro­vided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future as became him. The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my grand­father, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing; for he had never been at one shil­ling expence, to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so it was not to be much won­dered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet, who­ever told him so, was a lying lubberly rascal and deserv­ed to be [...]eel-haul'd: for tho [...] he (the lieutenant) did not understand those matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar of his age, in all the coun­try▪ the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half year's pay on the boy's head; (with these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company.) ‘Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather left like a wreck (d'ye see) at the mercy of the wind and weather, by your neglect, old [Page 13] gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry, that he did not knock out the scoun­drel's brains, instead of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Green­land—that's all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I sup­pose you would make a taylor of him—would you? I had rather see him hang'd, d'ye see. Come along, story, I perceive how the land lies, my boy—let's tack about, i'faith—while I have a shilling, thou shan't want a tester. B'ye, old gentleman, you're bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill provid­ed for the voyage.’ Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry that sur­rounded him.

CHAP. IV.

A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge at the end of a fit of thought­fulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and being conscious of his ap­proaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In obedience to this summons my uncle set out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather; often repeating by the road, ‘Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall see, you shall see the effect of my admoni­tion.’ When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bed-side, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his grand-daughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My [Page 14] uncle approached him with th [...]se words, ‘What! he's not a-weigh. How fare ye. how fare ye, old gentle­man? Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul.’—Upon which, the dying man turned his languid eyes to­wards us, and Mr. Bowling went on— ‘Here's poor Rory come to see you before you die, and receive your bles­sing. What, man, don't despair; you have been a great sinner, 'tis true, what then? There's a righteous judge above, an't there?—He minds me no more than a por­puss. Yes, yes, he's a-going, the land crabs will have him, I see that; his anchor's a-peak, i'faith.’ This homely consolation scandalized the company so much, and es­pecially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into the other room, where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grand­father's decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hasten­ed, and found his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? ‘Dead! (says my uncle; looking at the body,) ay, ay, I'll warrant him as dead as a herring—Odd's-fish! now my dream is out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel of carrion-crows foul of dead shark that floated along-side, and the devil perching on our sprit-sail yard, in the likeness of a blue bear; who, d'ye see, jumped overboard upon the carcase, and car­ried it to the bottom in his claws.’— ‘Out upon thee, reprobate, (cries the parson,) out upon thee, blasphe­mous wretch! dost thou think his honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?’ The clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, being shouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had a title to send him a-drift. "None of your tricks upon travellers," (said he;) ‘mayhap old Buff has left my kinsman here his heir; if he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul. Odds-bob! I'd desire no better news. I'd soon make him a clear ship I warrant you.’ To avoid any further disturbance, one of my grandfather's executors, [Page 15] who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed, after the funeral, for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony, which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the mean time orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to ac­cept of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his memory so far. During this inter­val, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentleman's will, were various: as it was well known he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth seven hundred pounds per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man, whom he had always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my fe­male cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of opinion, that as the rest of his children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hun­dred pounds to each of his grand-daughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour ar­rived, and the will was produced in the midst of the ex­pectants, whose looks and gestures formed a groupe that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But the reader [...] scarce conceive the asto­nishment and mortification [...] appeared, when an attor­ney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfather's estate personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare and whew, that alarmed that whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competi­tors, who had been always very officious about my grand­father's person, inquired with a saultering accent, and visage as yellow as an orange, ‘if there were no lega­cies?’ and was answered, "none at all." Upon which she fainted away. The rest, whole expectations, perhaps, [Page 16] were not so sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though not without giving evident marks of indignation and grief, at least as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began: ‘So there's no lega­cy, friend, ha! here's an old succubus; but somebo­dy's soul howls for it, d—n me!’ The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no sooner heard this ex­clamation, than he cried out, ‘Avaunt, unchristian re­viler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of his ho­nour to rest in peace?’ But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part of a busy body with their grandpapa, whose ears he had certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have shewn him glorious sun, by hunting a black badger, (so he termed the clergyman.) The sur­ly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to relish this amusement, replied, ‘You and your dogs may be d—n'd. I suppose you'll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory, about ship, my lad, we must steer another course, I think.’ And away we went.

CHAP. V.

ON our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the course of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence, the tune of Why should we quarrel for riches, &c. his visage being contracted all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree, that I was left behind a con­siderable [Page 17] way: then he waited for me; and when I was almost up with him, called out, in a surly tone, ‘Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog.’ Then laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and reflexion getting the better of his passion, he said, ‘Come, my boy, don't be cast down—the old rascal is in hell—that's some satisfac­tion; you shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of breeches goes thorough the world, brave boys; as the song goes—eh?’ Though his pro­posal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering my aversion to it, l [...]st I should disoblige the only friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman, that he never dreamt I could have any objection to his design; consequently gave himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropt by the advice of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowl­ing, it would be a thousand pities to baulk my genius, which would certainly, one day, make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation. Upon which this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford it) to give me an university education; and accordingly settled my board and other expences, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges, whither we repair­ed in a short time. But before the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my grand­father before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language his ran­cour could suggest, as a wicked, profligate, dull, beg­garly miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the me­mory of the judge, (who by the bye had procured that set­tlement for him,) hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul was damn'd to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning. This bru­tal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly un­dergone, made me think it high time to be revenged of this insolent pedagogue. Having consulted my adhe­rents, I found them all staunch in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this: in the afternoon pre­ceding the day of my departure for the university, I re­solved [Page 18] to take the advantage of the usher's going out to make water, (which he regularly did at four o'clock,) and shut the great door, that he might not come to the assist­ance of his superior. This being done, the assault was to be begun, by my advancing to my master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their busi­ness was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in the struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the assist­ance of our competitors, who should be ready to rein­force us, or oppose any thing that might be undertaken for the master's relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentle­man in the neighbourhood; and the name of the other Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given shoe­makers to the village time out of mind. I had once saved Gawky's life by plunging into a river and dragging him on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had provoked, to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times saved his re­putation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular regard for me and my interests. The attach­ment of Strap flowed from a voluntary disinterested incli­nation, which had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same service that I had done to Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the punishment I deserved. These two cham­pions were the more willing to engage in this enterprize, because they intended to leave the school the next day, as well as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.

In the mean time my uncle, being informed of my mas­ter's behaviour to me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could not refrain from [Page 19] telling him the scheme I had concerted, which he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, ‘No, no, Z—ds! that won't do nei­ther—how somever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad—that I must say, i'faith!—but lookee, lookee, how dost propose to get clear off?—won't the enemy give chace, my boy?—ay, ay, that he will, I warrant—and alarm the whole coast—ah! God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory—Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me—I'll shew him the fore-top-sail, I will.—If so be your ship-mates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I'll play him a salt-wa­ter trick—I'll bring him to the gang-way, and anoint him with a cat and nine tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left, lashed, to his meditations.’ We were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the instru­ment of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off a day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted as soon as the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing the oppor­tunity of the usher's absence, bolted in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who bawled out, "Murder! Thieves!"—with the voice of Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to my assistance. Strap without any hesitation obeyed the signal, and, seeing me leap upon the master's back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force, his dreadful adver­sary was humbled to the ground: upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place under the influence of an universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school joined. This noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he would let him in presently; but, if he pretended to move from [Page 20] that place, it should fare worse with the son of a b—ch his superior, on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement for his barbarous usage to Rory, "to which," said he, "you are no stranger." By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on pur­pose, after having secured his hands, and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood, (to the no small enter­tainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and shout­ed with great exultation at the novelty of the sight,) vent­ing bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and re­proaching his scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner: ‘Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d'ye se [...]—and I have a respect for you—but, for all that, we [...] for our own security (d'ye [...]ee) belay you for a short time.’ With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested with great earnestness, he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing, that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the hue and cry against us, be­fore we should be out of their power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle, having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhuma­nity to me, told him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of his soul, which he immediately put in practice with great vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant's withered posteriors gave him such exquisite pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed, and blasphemed like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words: ‘Now, friend, you'll remember me the longest day you have to live—I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future—Shout, boys, shout.’ This ceremony was no sooner over tha [...] my uncle proposed they should quit the school, and convoy their old comrade Rory to a pub­lic [Page 21] house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer being joyfully embraced, he ad­dressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accom­pany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. "Well, well, old Surly," replied my uncle, shaking his hand, ‘thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and, if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i'faith.’ So saying, he dismissed the boys, and, locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one another, while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treat­ed according to his promise. We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.

CHAP. VI.

AS I was now capable of reflection, I began to consi­der my precarious situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect me, and that my sole dependance was on the generosity of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers which might one day deprive me of him for ever, but also (no doubt subject to those vicissitudes of dispo­sition which a change of fortune usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarm­ed at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with [Page 22] great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity now in my power: this I did with such success, that in the space of three years I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the belle lettres, and a talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that met with a very favourable re­ception. These qualifications, added to a good face and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning their rivals. Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts in town, and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most su­percilious contempt, my character now attracted their no­tice so much, that I was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased. The reader will easily perceive, that this condescension either flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity sub­servient to their malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their offer with disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric, industri­ously avoided mentioning their names, even while I cele­brated those of their intimates. This neglect mortified their pride exceedingly, and incensed them to such a degree, that they were resolved to make me repent of my indiffer­ence. The first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the sub­ject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents. But besides the badness of the com­position, (of which they themselves were ashamed,) they did not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me [Page 23] with those misfortunes which they and their relations had brought upon me, and which consequently reflected much more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice. Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress, and so effectually succeeded in the quality of in­cendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned to my lodgings from a friend's house that I frequented; with this view he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which he proposed to have me heartily ducked, not­withstanding the severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprized of their ambush, I got home another way, and, by the help of my landlord's apprentice, discharged a volley from the garret-window, which did great execution upon them, and next day oc­casioned so much mirth at their expence, that they sound themselves under the necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten. My cousins (tho' twice baffled in their expectations) did not, however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their malice, and preventing its effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their rancour, and bore without murmuring the rigour of their unreason­able hate; for I have found by experience, that, though small favours may be acknowledged, and slight injuries aton­ed for, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged, and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desir­ed: this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confident, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small amours, which they published with such exaggerations, that I suf­fered very much in the opinion of every body, and was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had [Page 24] been called in question. While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not only be re­venged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered, when I went home to dinner, and, inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and, fixing her eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for me—She was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake and his own—People should be more cautious of their con­duct—She was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her own to maintain—The world would do nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home: she wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense that would never bring me in a penny—but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. I was listening to this mysterious dis­course with great amazement, when her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

This letter (which with the other was dated from Port Louis in Hispaniola) I had no sooner read, than the apo­thecary, shaking his head, began:— ‘I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling, that's certain—and could be well content—but times are very hard.—There's no such thing as money to be got—I believe 'tis all vanished under ground, for my part.—Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you since the be­ginning of this mouth, without receiving a sixpence—and God knows if ever I shall; for I believe it will go hard with your uncle—And more than that, I was thinking to give you warning; for I want your apart­ment for a new 'prentice, whom I expect from the coun­try every hour—So, I desire you will this week pro­vide yourself with another lodging.’ The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me spirits to support my reverse of fortune, and to tell him, I despised his mean, selfish disposition so much, that I would rather starve than be beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him I would not sleep another night under his roof. This said, I sallied out in a trans­port [Page 26] of rage and sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bed-room at the rate of one shil­ling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with caresses, and made fre­quent offers of friendship while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He received me with his wonted af­fability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him, a fa­vour which I did not think sit to refuse. But, when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition, and I looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, reco­vering himself from his confusion, he told me he was griev­ed at my misfortune, and desired to know what had pass­ed between my landlord Mr. Potion and me: whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, ‘Is it possible you could behave so [...]ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along?’ My surprize at hearing this was not at all affected, what­ever his might be; and I gave him to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so unrea­sonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every social community. This heat [...]f mine gave him all the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse (after much altercation) concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that, had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of making that request.—And thus we parted.

On my return I met my comrade Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent some time ago to town for his improve­ment in writing, dancing, fencing, and other modish qua­lifications. [Page 27] As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of in­forming him of the lowness of my circumstances, and ask­ing a small supply of money to answer my present expence; upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence, with a shilling or two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day, he having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though his assertion might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference; for he nei­ther expressed any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him with­out uttering one word: but when I afterwards understood, that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account; for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, de­siring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy at the expence of his blood. He accepted the invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear, and I appeared on the plain with a good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill plea­sed to find he had no mind to meet me, because I should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of the consequence. Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed of his preci­pitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my billet: and I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than half-price, to defray the expence, and con­tribute to my subsistence.

CHAP. VII.

THE fumes of my resentment being dissipated as well as the vanity of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and avoided by man­kind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a so­litary being, no ways comprehended within the scheme or protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain public-house, whi­ther I immediately repaired, and was introduced to one Mr. Lancelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, compo­sed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small­beer. Before I relate the occasion of this message, I be­lieve it will not be disagreeable to the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some cir­cumstances of his character and conduct, which may illus­trate what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and ten round the belly; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion of a mulber­ry; his nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resent­ment against Potion, who, though a young practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel, which was at one time upon the point of being made up by the inter­position and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a [Page 29] christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I received the message of Crab, who receiv­ed me as civilly as I could have expected from one of his disposition, and, after desiring me to sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had related, he said with a malicious grin— ‘There's a sneaking dog!—I always thought him a fellow with­out a soul, d—n me!—a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—se of every body.’—"Ay, ay," says another, ‘one might see with half an eye, that the rascal has no ho­nesty, in him by his going so regularly to church.’ This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his com­panions, that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once at the meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer an hour long. After this preamble Crab addressed himself to me in these words: ‘Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I'll do for you.—You may send your things to my house when you please—I have given orders for your reception.—Z—ds! what does the booby stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d—n'd.’ I answered with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friend­ly offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be entertained. "What footing! d—n my blood," cried he, ‘d'ye ex­pect to have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?’ "No, Sir," I replied, ‘my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burden­some as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the expence of a jour­neyman, or porter at least; for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Po­tion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied with great pleasure and application.’ "O ho! you did?" says Crab. ‘Gentleman, here is [Page 30] a complete artist!—Studied surgery! what? in books, I suppose.—I shall have you disputing with me one of these days on points of my profession.—You can alrea­dy account for muscular motion, (I warrant,) and ex­plain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!—You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let's hear no more to this stuff—Can you bleed, and give a clyster, spread a plaister, and prepare a potion?’—Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shook his head, telling me, he believed he should have little good of me for all my promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this change of cir­cumstances. I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by exposing the selfishness of his antagonist in opposition to his own gene­rosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man, who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play from his master's bru­tality. The knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with [...]ase; however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not long before I sound out a strange peculiarity of humour, which go­verned his behaviour towards all his dependants;—I obser­ved, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his satisfaction, that, if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insup­portable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel; and, when his indignation was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it be­yond the bounds of reason and humanity. I therefore pur­sued a contrary plan; and one day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp, and lazy ragamuffin, I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I [Page 31] both understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his soul; neither was it just to call me a ra­gamuffin; for I had a whole coat on any back, and was descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with. He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of m [...]ne, and shook his cane over my head, ragarding me all the time with a countenance truly dia­bolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture▪ I yet had reflexion enough left to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute, which must decide my future lot in his service; I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.—He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these ejaculations: ‘This is fine usage from a servant to a master,—very fine!—damnation!—but, no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall—I'll do your business—yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift your hand against me’—So saying, he re­tired and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which va­nished entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch after dinner.—By this conduct I got the ascen­dancy over him in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former ac­quaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on very good terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous light my satirical talents could in­vent, as well as by rendering her some christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband. In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to maintain, much acquain­tance; [Page 32] for the Nabal my master allowed me no wages; and the small perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the common necessaries of life—I was no longer a pert, unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the extravagance of hope; my misfor­tunes had taught me how little the caresses of the world, during a man's prosperity, are to be valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about ma­king himself independent of them. My present appear­ance, therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that every body pronounced me crest­fallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risque from my resentment, which was by this time pret­ty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons, so effectually, that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done me. When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of finding some provision, that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone: but, as this could not be effected without a small sum of mo­ney to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost per­plexity how to raise it, well knowing, that Crab, for his own sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid-servant, who declared her situ­ation to me, assuring me at the same time, that I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her, taking the advantage of which, I represented to her the fo [...]ly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr. Crab: she listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being [...]verjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequen­ces; [Page 33] not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect sub­jection; but because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of un­cleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was to persuade the girl, that she was not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incident to young women, which he could easily remove: with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines as he thought would infallibly procure abortion: but in this scheme he was disappointed; for the maid being advertised by me of his design, and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, abso­lutely refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her situation to the world, if he would not imme­diately take some method of providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing himself to me (one day) in this manner: ‘I am surprised, that a young fellow like you, discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age, I was broiling on the coast of Gui­nea.—Damme! what's to hinder you from profiting by the war, which will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain?—You may easily go on board a king's ship in quality of surgeon's mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.’—I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and assur­ed him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my power; but that it was impossible for me to em­brace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money, to supply me with what necessa­ries I should want, and defray the expences of my jour­ney to London. He told me, that few necessaries were required; and as for the expence of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London, until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of some ship. I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging of­fer, [Page 34] (although I was very well apprized of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the bastard to my charge, after my departure;) and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen of ruffled shirts, as many plain; two pair of worsted, and a like number of thread stockings; a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman's surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing 5 per cent. interest; at the same time giving me a letter to the member of parliament for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.

CHAP. VIII.

THERE is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances were too weak to support the expence of hiring a [...] determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accord­ingly put in execution, on the first day of November 1732, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets; one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle upon Tyne, I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel [...] rest of my journey on foot, rather than proceed in such [...] disagreeable manner.

The hostler of the inn at which we put up, understand­ing I was bound for London, advised me to take my pas­sage in a collier, which would be both cheap and expedi­tious, and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads, in the winter time; a journey which he believed I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when, one day, stepping into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, [Page 35] accosted me thus: ‘Sir, I presume you are a Scotch­man.’ I answered in the affirmative.— ‘Pray (con­tinued he) from what part of Scotland?’ I no soon­er told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper-lip, be­smeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion, that starting up, I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged par­don, telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some confusion in him: and craved my name.—But when I declared my name was Random, he ex­claimed in a rapture, "How! Rory Random?" The same, replied I, looking at him with astonishment. ‘What cried he, don't you know your old school-fellow, Hugh Strap?’ At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, gave him back one half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous ap­pearance and furnished a great deal of mirth for his ma­ster and shop-mates, who were witnesses of this scene.—When our mutual caresses were over, I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor fellow's nerves were so discom­posed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which (nevertheless) he found means to cut me in three places, in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me. We re­tired immediately to my lodgings, where calling for some beer, I desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more than that his master dying be­fore his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journey work, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employ­ed by a very civil master, with whom he purposed to stay till the spring, at which time he intended to go to Lon­don, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage by sea, by rea­son of the danger of a winter voyage, which is very ha­zardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of [Page 36] the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while to the no small detriment of my fortune: whereas, if I would venture by land he would bear me company, car­ry my baggage all the way; and if we should be fatigued before we could perform the journey, it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road, either returning horses or waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expence. I was so ravished at this proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave me to understand, he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce him into business, in that capital; and might possibly have it in his power to serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next morning by day-break, armed with a good cudgel each, (my companion being charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knap­sack,) and our money sewed between the lining and waist­band of our breeches, except some loose silver for our im­mediate expence on the road. We travelled all day at a round pace; but being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up our lodgings at a small hedge ale-house, that stood on a bye-road, about half a mile from the highway; there we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a com­fortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxom lass, who en­tertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some progress. About eight o'clock, we were all three, at our own de­sire, shewn into an apartment, furnished with two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore, searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use. I slept very sound till midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which [Page 37] shook under me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me with a low saultering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman with loaded pistols in the next room; then bidding me make as little noise as possible, he di­rected me to a small chink in the board partition, through which I could see a thickset brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before him. I listened with great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone: ‘D—n that son of a bitch, Smack the coachman!—he has served me a fine trick indeed!—but d—nation seize me, if I don't make him repent it! I'll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he is under articles with me.’—Our landlady en­deavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other gentleman that robbed his coach—and that if an accident had disappointed him to­day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone for his lost trouble. ‘I'll tell thee what, my dear Bett, (replied he,) I never had, nor ever will, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z—ds! there was four hundred pounds in cash, to recruit men for the king's service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers; had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I would.’— ‘Well, well, (cries Betty,) we must trust to providence for that; but did you find no­thing worth taking, which escaped the other gentle­man of the road?’ ‘Not much, faith, (said the lo­ver;) I gleaned a few things—such as a pair of pops, silver mounted, (here they are;) I took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches.—I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a Quaker, whom the spirit moved to re­vile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I [Page 38] value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a gold snuff­box, my gir [...], with a picture on the inside of the lid: which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's smock.’—Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud that the highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, ‘Hell and d—n— [...] I am betrayed—who's that in the next room?’ Mrs. Betty told him, he need not be uneasy, there were only three poor wearied travel­lers, who, missing the road, had taken up their lodging in the house, and were asleep long ago.— ‘Travellers! (says he) spies, you b—ch! but no matter—I'll send them all to [...]ell in an instant.’ He accordingly ran towards our door; when his sweatheart interposing, assured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion, and the third was a Presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before.—This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar, for he wanted some linen.—Then in a jovial manner he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversa­tion which regarded us, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard. The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than he started up, calling as loud as he could— ‘Thieves, thieves! Lord have mercy on us!’ And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door, to kill the first man who should enter; for he verily believed himself beset; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, per­suaded him, that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.—Mean while my comrade had undeceived our fellow lodger, and informed him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which getting up softly, he [...] through the hole, and was so terrified with what he [...]aw, that falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian and promised never to defraud a [Page 39] customer for the future of the value of a pin's point, pro­vided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether or not the disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know not; but he slipt into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then rising softly, he un­tied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity; then he moved gently to our bed-side, and bade us farewel, telling us, that as we ran no risk, we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape: and lastly, shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not above a yard from his feet as he hung on the outside. Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all free from apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effect of the highwayman's disap­pointment; as he certainly intended to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind; but on the contrary so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fa­tal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, and suggested, that if ever he should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told him withal, my confidence in Betty's good nature; in which he acquiesced, and during the remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our cham­ber, and perceiving our window open, cried out, ‘Odds bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have hot constitutions, to lie all night with the window open, in such cold weather.’ I feigned to start out of sleep, and with­drawing the curtain, called, "What's the matter?" [Page 40] When she shewed me, I affected surprise, and said, ‘Bless me! the window was shut when we went to bed.’ ‘I'll be hanged, (said she,) if Sawney Waddle, the ped­lar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his sleep▪—Sure I put a cham­ber pot under his bed.’—With these words she advan­ced to the bed in which he lay, and finding the sheets cold, exclaimed, "Good lack a daisy! the rogue is fled!" ‘—Fled! (cried I, with seigned amazement,) God for­bid! Sure he has not robbed us.’—Then springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, ‘Heaven be praised, our money is all safe—Strap, look to the knapsack.’ He did so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked with seeming concern, if he had stole nothing belonging to the house? ‘No, no, (replied she,) he has stole nothing but his rockoning;’ which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.—Betty, after a moment's pause, withdrew, and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execra­tions, and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he should [...]et eyes on him again; ‘For, (said he,) the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.’ Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it. While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured by all the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fel­low lodger, whom we saw take horse; but as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when all of a sudden we heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This noise alarm­ed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engros­sed by the image of Rifle, that with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, ‘O Lord! there's the highway­man returned!’—Our landlady staring at these words, said, ‘What highwayman, young man?—Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?’—Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her, we had [Page 41] met a horseman the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with pi­stols; and that he had been terrified at the found of a horse's feet ever since.—She forced a smile at the igno­rance and timidity of my comrade; but I could perceive (not without great concern) that this account was not at all satisfactory to her.

CHAP. IX.

AFTER having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, who we in a short time recognized to be no other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was?—My astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, which he repeat­ed with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before. Strap seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable voice, these words: ‘For Ch—st's sake, have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle, we know you very well.’— ‘O ho! (cried the thief,) you do!—But you shall never be evidence against me in this world, you dog!’—So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who sell flat upon the ground without speaking one word.—My comrade's sate, and my own situation, rivetted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all sense and re­flection; so that I did not make the least attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but before he had time to prime again, perceiving a company of horseme [...] coming up, he rode off, and lest me standing, motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by those whose [Page 42] appearance had saved my life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an officer, who (as I afterwards learned) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and who making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him, his non-resistance was altoge­ther owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of his Lordship's servants to go in quest of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard. As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a body lying upon the ground; at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced with a faultering tongue, ‘Gentle­men, here's murder committed! let us alight.’ ‘No, no, (said one of his followers,) let us rather pursue the murderer.—Which way went he, young man?’ By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them he could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to its being interred.—The captain foreseeing, that in case he should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse, and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with ‘Sirrah, sirrah—gent­ly, gently, &c.’— ‘Zounds! (cried one of the servants,) sure my Lord's Sorrel is not resty!’—With these words, he bestowed a lash on his buttock, and Sorrel, disdaining the rein, sprung forward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought him up with the rob­ber, had not the girth (happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his at­tendants continued their pursuit, without minding his situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm and breathing; upon which I immediately let him blood, and saw him with inexpressible joy, recover; he having re­ceived no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. [Page 43] Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third servant returned with the captain's horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could. This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and on the recommendation of his servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which ser­vice he rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in ob­serving a game at cards between two farmers, an excise­man, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal, and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stript them of all their cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very much was to [...] this clergyman reply to one of the coun­trymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in those words, "D—n me, friend, d'ye question my honour?" I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a character frequent in my own country; but I was scan­dalized at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This good humour of the parson inspired the company with so much glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing in the yard. While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, ‘Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon; there's our dog of a doctor coming into the inn.’ He immediately concealed his instru­ment, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, inquiring very cor­dially into the state of his health. This rosy son of the church (who might be about the age of fifty) having alighted, and intrusted the curate with his horse, stalked [Page 44] with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe, scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of those who enquired about the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased to honour us with his com­pany at dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes, and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he rose, and moved with pre­latical dignity to the door, where his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted, than the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this manner: ‘There the old rascal goes, and the D—l go with him.—You see how the world wags, gentle­men.—By Gad, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth 400 l. per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for 20 l. a-year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications; but—comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this swag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty his housekeeper.—You understand me, gentlemen.—Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that: ay, and a dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, tho' I must own I could never learn in what county they live—My service t'ye, gentlemen.’ By this time, din­ner being ready, I waked my companion, and we eat all together with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no soon­er informed of this piece of finesse than the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious [Page 45] grin; ‘Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shuffle—I could not help smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow—he picked up some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifle at the university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No man knows his talents better than I; for I was valet de chambre to Squire Tattle, an in­timate companion of Shuffle's lord. He got himself into a scrape by pawning some of his lordship's clothes, on which account he was turned away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable live­lihood in spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick and is really diverting company—These qualifications make him agreeable wherever he goes—and, as for playing at cards, there is not a man within three counties a match for him—The truth is, he is a damnable cheat, and can shift a card with such address, that it is impossible to discover him.’ Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked why he had not justice enough to acquaint them with these par­ticulars before they engaged in play? The exciseman re­plied without any hesitation, that it was none of his busi­ness to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, which was notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and assist­ing the curate's knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the exciseman as positively refused, affirming, that, whatever slights Shuf­fle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain, that he had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up, and, having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. The landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was gone, shook his head, saying, ‘Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his deserts—Well, we vic­tuallers must not disoblige the excisemen.—But I know [Page 46] what—if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick the beam.—But, masters, this is under the rose,’ continued Boniface with a whisper.

CHAP. X.

STRAP and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd on the road coming to­wards us shouting and hallooing all the way. As it ap­proached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. This highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his pi­stols, was made prisoner without any farther opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclama­tions of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neigh­bouring village, but stopped at our inn to join their com­panion, and take refreshment. When Rifle was dismounted, and placed in the yard within a circle of peasants armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance, that, going up to thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared, he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately pro­duced, and began to strip—but was dissuaded from his adventure by me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would no doubt give us all satisfaction enough. But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our being detained by the captors as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and [Page 47] accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we had proposed to follow. About twilight we arrived at the place of our destination; but as the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the coun­try, with whom (we understood) he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; however, next morning, when they went up stairs to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the roof, from whence he continued his rout along the tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret-win­dow, where he sculked until the family were asleep, at which time he ventured down stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was found open. This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who were flushed with the hopes of the reward, but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey without any farther molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and, before night, reached a market-town twenty miles from the place from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here, having taken up our lodg­ing at an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return-horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart for Lon­don next day. He was informed that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted here two nights ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day after. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were shewn to our room, which contained two beds; the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house, and accordingly went to rest, after having se­cured our baggage under the bolster. About two or three o'clock in the morning I was waked out of a very profound [Page 48] sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice— ‘Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out presently.’—This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, "Fire! mur­der! fire!" a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd of na­ked people.—When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than our fellow-lodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment, at the concourse of apparitions that sur­rounded him.—This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting serjeant, who having inlisted two country-fel­lows over-night, dreamed that they had mutined, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an impression on his imagi­nation, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady with nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buck-skin breeches with the backside before, which she had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders. One had wrapt himself in a blanket; another was covered with a sheet; and the drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, ap­peared in cuerpo with the bolster rolled about his middle. When this affair was discussed, every body retired to his own apartment, the serjeant slipt into bed, and my com­panion and I slept without any farther disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which hope, however, we were disap­pointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired for [Page 49] a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry ap­pearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man with long grey hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a chearful countenance accosted us in these words: "Salvete pueri—ingredimini." I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered without hesitation— ‘Dis­solve frigus, ligna super foco—large reponens.’ I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, ‘Fili mi delectissime! unde venis!—a superis ni fallor?’ In short, finding we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard enough, but ordered his daugh­ter, a jolly-rosy-cheeked damsel, who was his sole dome­stic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum—repeating from Horace at the same time, ‘Deprome quadrimum, Sá­bina, O Thaliarche merum diotâ.’ This quadrimum was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an amphora, four years old, for the use of himself and friends. In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a school-master, whose in­come being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good li­quor for the entertainment of passengers, by which means he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet. ‘I am this day, said he, the happiest old fellow in his Majesty's dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in hea­ven: my daughter is to be married next week—but the two chief pleasures of my life are th [...]se,’ (pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table.)— ‘I am old, 'tis true—what then? the more rea­son I should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: Tu ne quaesieris s [...]ire (ne­fas)—Quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint—Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.’ As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of ac­quainting him with our situation, which, when he had learned, he inriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us he was no stranger to the deceits of man­kind. [Page 50] In the mean time he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper; for he was resolved this night to regale his friends— permittens divis caetera. While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the ad­ventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drank several bottles of his quadrimum, I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that conveyance. Be­fore my comrade and I fell asleep we had some conversa­tion about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and en­tertainment. "Don't you observe," said he, ‘that he has conceived a particular affection for us?—nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called for?’ I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay.— ‘Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,’ said he; ‘for I never mind these mat­ters. Money-matters are beneath the concern of one who lives on the Horatian plan— Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.’ Meanwhile Biddy, having consulted a slate that hung in a corner, told us our reckoning came to 8 s. 7 d.—"Eight shillings and sevenpence!" cried Strap; ‘'tis impossible—you must be mistaken, young woman.’—"Reckon again, child," says her father very deliberately, "perhaps you have miscounted."—"No indeed, father," she replied, ‘I know my business better.’ I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, ‘Ay, ay, let us see the particulars—that's but reasonable;’ and taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items.

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Ho­race. He answered, ‘I was but a young man, and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with ex­tortion, whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.’ My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition, but swore he should either take one third of the money, or go with­out. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter to go out, and conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this piece of expence, went up to the school-master, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphasis, "Semper avarus eget." To which the pedant replied with a malicious smile, "Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat."

CHAP. XI.

WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one word, my thoughts being ingrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to di­minish. [Page 52] At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: ‘Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d—d before he had got more than the third of his demand.—'Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many brisly beards must I have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs? How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door? What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows, who came in for a guinea. I'm sure I have beat stouter men than either of them.’ And indeed, my companion would have sought any body when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire­arms, and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him, no part of this extraordinary expence should fall upon his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know, that, although he was a poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we described towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us, and by that time we reached it, were both so weary, that I verily believe it would have been impracti­cable for us to have walked one mile farther. We there­fore bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling, at which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopt, and, Joey having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: ‘God's sury! there shall no passengers come here.’ The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white [Page 53] as paper. Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer, ‘Waounds, coptain, whay waon't you soof­fer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny?—Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain. I'se not afraid of the coptain.’ This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be pre­vailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder— ‘Hell and the devil confound me, if I don't make you smart for this!’ However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took pos­session of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap, following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a most dread­ful manner:—"Blood and thunder! where's my sword?" At these words my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring bounced against me with such force, that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the mean time a female voice cried, "Bless me! What is the matter, my dear?"—"The matter," replied the captain; ‘damn my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotch­man's hump.’ Strap trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid all the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon: and the woman who spoke before went on: ‘Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never tra­velled so before—I'm sure if my lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for vexation—I wish to God we had writ for the cha­riot: I know we shall never be forgiven.’ "Come, come, my dear," replied the captain, ‘it don't signify fretting now—we shall laugh it over as a frolic—I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in the Diligence.’ This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the con­versation; but, immediately after, another female voice [Page 54] began; ‘Some people give themselves a great many need­less airs—better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots with three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it—What then? we are now all upon a footing; therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doating rogue?—Speak, you old cent. per cent. fornicator. What desperate debt are you think­ing of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf; grow honest, and live like a gentle­man. In the mean time give me a kiss, you old fum­bler.’ These words accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the person, to whom they were addressed, to such a degree, that he cried in a transport, though with a faul­tering voice, ‘Ah! you wanton baggage—upon my cre­dit you are a waggish girl, he, he, he.’ This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer, (such we afterwards found was the profession of this our fellow-traveller.) About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passen­gers in order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver laced hat on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding suit trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came limping an old man, with a worsted night-cap buttoned under his chin, and a broad­brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout that covered a thread-bare coat and waist-coat, and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket; his eyes were hollow, bleared and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles; his gums were destitute of teeth; his nose sharp and drooping; his chin peaked and promi­nent; so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approach­ed one another like a pair of nut-crackers: he supported himself on an ivory-beaded cane, and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprized, when I beheld the formidable captain in [Page 55] the shape of a little thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage very much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two little grey eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queu that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol's. Having laid aside his great coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three inches high, six­teen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck, his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drum-sticks, two feet and a half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder;—so that on the whole he appeared like a spider or grashopper erect—and was almost a vox & praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called bear skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thigh, worsted stock­ings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wood­en heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that had I not been a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second hand airs of a lady's woman.—We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazle (for that was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse; and told the landlord, they would sup by themselves. The inn-keeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and, as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons; but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was sooner said, than all of us declared against the pro­posal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger) ob­served, that if Captain Weazle and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should [Page 56] have done. At this hint, the captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big, without speaking; while his yoke-fellow with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about "creature;"—which Miss Jenny over­hearing, stept up to her, saying, ‘None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail;—creature, quotha!—I'll assure you—no such creature as you neither—no ten pound sneak­er—no quality coupler.’—Here the captain interposed with a "Damme, madam, what do you mean by that?"— ‘Damn you, Sir, who are you? (replied Miss Jen­ny;) who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher­scraping, pimping scoundrel?—'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commis­sions.—What, I suppose you think I don't know you?—Agad, you and your helpmate are well met—a cast­off mistress and a bald valet de chambre are well yoked together.’ ‘Blood and wounds! (cried Weazle) d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam?—Hell and damnation! No man in England durst say so much—I would flea him, carbonado him! Fury and de­struction! I would have his liver for my supper.’—So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to the great terror to Strap; while Miss Jenny snapping her fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a louse.—In the midst of this quarrel, the master of the wagon alighted, who understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his lady would take umbrage, and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have every thing made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At bed-time we were shewed to our apartments: the old usurer, Strap and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another.—About midnight, my companion's bowels be­ing disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; but, in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered Weazle's chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty ves­sel, in lieu of his own chamber-pot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went toward his own bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head covered with a cotton [Page 57] night-cap, than it came into his mind, that he had mis­taken Miss Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of this conjecture, and scandalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatch­ed up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber, and his own wife, who, waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when the in­censed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife.—Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing, but—"I take God to witness she's a virgin for me."—Mrs. Weazle, enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe, which she found by the bed­side, belaboured the captain's bald pate, till he roared "Murder."— ‘I'll teach you to empty your stink-pots on me, (cried she,) you pitiful hop-o'-my-thumb cox­comb. What? I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath.—Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered sapless twig?’—The noise occasioned by this adventure, had brought the mas­ter of the waggon and me to the door, where we over­heard all that passed, with great satisfaction. In the mean time we were alarmed with the cry of "Rape! Murder! Rape!" which Miss Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. ‘O! you vile, abominable old vil­lain (said she,) would you rob me of my virtue?—But I'll be reveng'd of you, you old goat! I will!—Help! for heaven's sake! help!—I shall be ravished! ruin'd! help!’—Some servants of the inn, hearing this cry, came running up stairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very di­verting scene.—In one corner stood the poor captain shi­vering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags; with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapt the counterpane about her, and sat sob­bing on the side of her bed. In the other end, lay the [Page 58] old usurer sprawling on Miss Jenny's bed, with his flan­nel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs ex­posed to the air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained, than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then be­trayed him. "Yes, cockatrice," (continued he) ‘you know you laid this snare for me—but you shan't suc­ceed—for I will hang myself before you shall g [...]t a farthing of me.’—So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way.—We then advanced to the captain, who told us, ‘Gentlemen, here has been a damn'd mistake; but, I'll be reveng'd on him who was the occasion of it.—That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazle.—My dear, I ask you ten thou­sand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you.’—"I know not what you meant," (replied she, sighing) ‘but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave.’—At length they were reconciled.—The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny's bed, (her own being overflowed,) and the master of the wag­gon invited Weazle to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

CHAP. XII.

NEXT morning, I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my passage to London▪ provided Strap should be allowed to take my place, when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desir­ed him to appease the inc [...]sed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand, and threa­tened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempt­ed to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazle, who swore he must either fight him or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by say­ing, he would box with him for a guinea.—Weazle re­plied, with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap.— ‘Ods boddikins! (cries Joey,) sure cop­tain, yaw would not coomit moorder! Here's a poor lad that's willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan't satisfy yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly.—An yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will cood­gel with yaw.—Woan't yaw, my lad?’—Strap, after some hesitation, answered, "Ye—yes, I'll cudgel with him."—But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and tipping Strap [Page 60] the wink, told the company I had always heard it said, the person who receives the challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he would even fight Captain Wea­zle at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely razors.—At my men­tioning razors, I could perceive the captain's colour change, while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness;— ‘No, no, not for the love of God don't make any such bargain.’—At length Weazle, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a fero­cious countenance asked, ‘Who the devi [...] are you?—will you fight me?’ With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-cor­ner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half longes, skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream.—In this emergency, Weazle demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked par­don for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny, and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazle informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him, in a lament­able tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she received last night, from the brutality of Isaac; and as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence. Ac­cordingly this ancient Tarquin was [...]ound in the waggon, [Page 61] whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared, than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezabel; and, assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her, was the result of her own invitation.—The waggoner, understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great vehemence, ‘A sum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!’— ‘O, 'tis very well (said Miss Jenny;) I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his, by fair means.—Joey, be so good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of conse­quence.’—At the name of justice, Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quivering voice, "what she would have?" She told him that as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health, might be irreparable, she would give him a release for an hundred guineas.— ‘An hun­dred guineas! (cried he in an extasy:) an hundred fu­ries!—Where should a poor old wretch like me have an hundred guineas? If I had so much money, d'ye think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at this season of the year?’— ‘Come, come, (replied Jenny:) none of your miserly artifice here. You think I don't know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker in the Minories.—Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintance which were never redeemed.’—Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offer­ed twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid, with great reluctan­cy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation the sick person made shift to get into the waggon, and we set forwards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver him­self chusing to walk.—This morning and forenoon we [Page 62] were entertained with an account of the valour of cap­tain Weazle, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover challen­ged a cheese-monger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife.—She confirmed whatever he said, and observed, ‘the last affair happened that very day on which I re­ceived a love-letter from squire Gobble;—and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and my lady was so alarmed, that she had well nigh sainted?’— ‘Yes, my dear, (replied the captain,) you know, my lord said to me, with a sneer,—"Billy, Mrs. Weazle is certainly breeding."—And I answered cavalierly▪ My lord, I wish I could return the compliment."—Upon which the company broke out into an immode­rate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.’—We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption, or meet­ing any thing worth notice: Miss Jenny (who soon reco­vered her spirits) entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number; and ral­lying her old gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her.—On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the inn-keeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied, ‘The passengers in the waggon might be damn'd—their betters m [...]st be served before them—they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.’—This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it, when Miss Jenny observed, that Cap­tain Weazle, being by profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being resulted. But the captain excused himself, saying, be would not for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon; swear­ing, [Page 63] at the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision—Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen, where she threat­ened to put the cook to death, if he did not send the vic­tuals into our chamber immediately.—The noise she made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her, than he cried, ‘Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?’— ‘My dear Jack Rattle!’ replied she, running into his arms, ‘is it you?—Then Weazle may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.’—They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey understanding the whole affair entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals pre­pared for the waggon.—This menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the landlord interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch: he informed me that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage-coach from London to New­castle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her for­mer way of life, by this conveyance. He told me like­wise, that one of the gentlemen's servants, whom we left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazle, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet de chambre many years, while he lived se­parate from his lady: but, upon their reconciliation, she expresly insisted upon Weazle's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of [Page 64] both with a good grace, proposed that he should marry his mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the army. This expedient was agreed to, and Weazle is now, by his lordship's interest, ensign in—'s regiment. I found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazle's courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry of "an high­wayman!" as soon as an horseman should appear. This scheme we put in practice toward the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should all be robbed, than a gene­ral consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazle wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore. But this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny shaking him by the shoulders, bawl'd out, ‘'Sdeath! Captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed?—Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and a man of honour.’—Weazle pretended to be in a great pas­sion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him.—"D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?" (conti­nued he;) at the same time trembling with such agita­tion, that the whole carriage shook.—This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much, that she cried, ‘D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a pol­troon as ever was drummed out of a regiment.—Stop the waggon, Joey, let me go out, and by G—d if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your [...] also.’—So saying she leapt out with great agility. By this time the horseman came up with us, and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and de­sired him to carry it on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone [...] "who have we got here?"—Isaac replied with [...] ‘a poor [Page 65] miserable sinner who has got a small family to main­tain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, which if you rob me of, we must all starve together.—Who's that sobbing in the other corner? said the supposed highwayman. A poor unfortunate woman, answered Mrs. Weazle, upon whom I beg you for Christ's sake to have compassion.—Are you maid or wife? said he. Wife to my sor­row,’ cried she.—"Who, or where is your husband?" continued he.—"My husband," replied Mrs. Weazle, ‘is an officer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where we dined.’—"You must be mistaken, Madam," said he, ‘for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon.—But pray what smell is that? Sure your lap-dog has befouled himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners.’—Here he laid hold of one of Weazle's legs, and pulled him from under his wife's petticoats where he had concealed him­self.—The poor trembling captain being detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, "What's the matter?—What's the matter?"—"The matter is not much," answered the horseman, "I only called in to enquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain."—So saying he clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.—It was some time before Weazle could recollect himself; but at length reassuming the big look, he said, ‘Damn the fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do?—Don't you remember Tom, my dear?’ addressing himself to his wife.—"Yes," replied she, ‘I think I do remember some­thing of the fellow,—but you know I seldom converse with people of his station.—"Hey day!" cried Joey, "do yaw knaw the young man, coptain?" Know him, said Weazle, many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippit's table.—And what may his neame be, coptain? said Joey. His name!—his name, replied Weazle, is Tom Rinser.—"Waunds!" cried Joey, a has changed his own neame then! for I'se lay any wager he was christ­ened John Trotter.’—This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; [Page 66] when Isaac broke silence, and said, ‘It is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we suspected—And we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.’—"Bless God," said Weazle, ‘bless the de­vil! for what? Had he been a highwayman I should have eat his blood, body and guts, before he had rob­bed me, or any one in this Diligence.’ "Ha, ha, ha!" cried Miss Jenny, "I believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain."—The usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazle seemed to be a good christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his salvation with fear and trembling. This peace of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazle's expence, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to [...]ut Isaac's throat.—The userer taking hold of this menace, said, ‘Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer—I'll have him bound over to the peace.’ This second sneer procured another laugh against him, and he remained crest-fallen during the re­maining part of our journey.

CHAP. XIII.

WE arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed but Strap's distemper continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the yard, whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set down the light, and [Page 67] jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was he matter? he replied with a broken accent, ‘God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil.’ Though my pre­judice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so, when I heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bed-fellow cling close to me, uttering these words—"Christ have mercy upon us! there he comes." At that instant a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted, and in a violent fright shrunk under the bed-clothes. This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and, after giving us seve­ral severe dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of Heaven with great devotion, and when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance, that did not favour of this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned be­hind and at the wrists, with an old-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him come straight up to me. When he reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried with a voice, that did not seem to belong to a human creature▪ "Where is Ralph?" I made no reply; upon which he repeated in an accent still more preternatural, "Where is Ralpho?" He had no sooner pronounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance, which the apparition having listened to, tript away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at length I turned to Strap, I sound him in a [...]it, which, how­ever, did not last long. When he came to himself, I asked [Page 68] his opinion of what had happened, and he assured me that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned, which appeared by the chains about its legs; (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of massy chains.) As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted it to torment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murder­er. Although I had not great faith in this interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep, and in all my future adventures never passed a night so ill. In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him the old man was the landlord's father, who had been an idiot some years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the great city, and lodged all night in the inn where the waggon put up. Next morn­ing all the passengers parted different ways, while my com­panion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of par­liament, to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodgings at the inn, Strap took up our baggage, and marched behind me on the street with the knapsack on his back as usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed my­self to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt and my best thread stockings; my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders as lank and straight as a pound of candles, and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber's bason in the shallowness of the crown, and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a much less awkward man­ner; but a short crop-eared wig that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added [Page 69] to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, and hook nose, and high cheek bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As we walked along, Strap, at my desire, enquired of a car-man whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived—and was answered by a stare accompanied with the word, "Anan!" Upon which I came up, in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the car-man damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, and whip­ping up his horses with a "Gee ho!" which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far, that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing. While we were deli­berating upon what was to be done, an hackney-coach­man, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and calling, "A coach, master!" by a dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on, applauding him­self with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my great mortification; but one more compassionate than the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an ale-house, and dry myself. I thanked him for his ad­vice, which I immediately complied with; and, going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room, where we cleaned our­selves as well as we could. In the mean time a wag, who sat in a box smoking his pipe, understanding by our dia­lect that we were from Scotland, came up to me, and, with a grave countenance, asked how long I had been caught? As I did not know the meaning of his question, I made no answer, and he went on, saying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut, at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, which seemed highly entertained at his wit. I was greatly incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution, could not put up with the insults that I suffered, but told him in a peremptory tone, ‘He was an [Page 70] uncivil fellow for making so free with his betters.’ Then the wit, going towards him, asked what he had got in his knapsack: "Is it out meal or brimstone, Sawney?" said he, seizing him by the [...]nin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all present. My companion, feel­ing himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner, dis­engaged himself in a tri [...]e, and lent his antagonist such a [...]ox on the [...] as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and in a moment a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an in­stant, and declared, that, as the affront which occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself: upon which one or two cried out, ‘That's a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play by G—d.’ This assurance gave me fresh spirits, and going up to my adversary, who by his pal [...] countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my success, ac­cording to the manner of my own country, but was re­strained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not [...]ight, as he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse, and im­mediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory. After having drank our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Crin­ger the member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be al­together as conspicuous here as in the borough he repre­sented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where, seeing a footman standing at a door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where out patron lived? This member of the party-coloured fraternity, sur­veying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, [Page 71] after which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that led to another street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acdquies­ced, ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served. We followed his direc­tions punctually, in turning to the left and to the right, and to the left again; but, instead of seeing a lane before us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived at the other end of the town, and that it would be to no pur­pose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House. I then asked if he could recommend us to a lodging. He readily gave us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; there we hired a bed-room up two pair of stairs, at the rate of 2 s. per week, so very small, that, when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bed-stead instead of chairs. About dinner-time our landlord asked us how we proposed to live? To which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by him. "Well then," says he, ‘there are two ways of eating in this town for people of your condi­tion; the one more creditable and expensive than the other; the first is to dine at a [...]eating-house frequented by well-dressed people only, and the other is called diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.’ I gave him to understand, [Page 72] that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other. "In­famous!" cried he; ‘God forbid; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman, with a laced waistcoat, dine in that manner very com­fortably for threepence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the land—but your own eyes shall bear wit­ness—I will go along with you to-day, and introduce you.’ He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where, stopping, he bade us observe him, and do as he did; and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar, and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and, descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boil­ed beef, and surrounded by a company of hackney-coach­men, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board-wages, who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards covered with cloths, which turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap in his descent, missing one of the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests: in her fall she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the foot-guards was hap­pened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end. While he entertained the company in this manner with an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author o [...] this mischance, who lay under the table scratching his rump with a woful countenance, emptied a salt-seller in her hand, and strip­ping down the patient's stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore.—This poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who began to abate of his exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous yell, as made the whole company tremble; then seizing a pewter pint-pot that stood by him, squeez­ed the sides of it together, as if it had been made of [Page 73] pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him imme­diate case. But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He swore he would pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for da­mages. Strap, foreseeing the whole affair would ly at his door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously, our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny each, bread and small beet included.

CHAP. XIV.

IN the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend's house, which we were informed was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and were so [...] as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed, was the pronunciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore; and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle; for, although I could easily understand every word of what I heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoke in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and [Page 74] his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a night gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a serjeant's old sash, and a tie-periwig with a fore-top three inches high, in the fashion of King Charles the Second's reign. After he had received Strap (who was related to him) very courteously, he inquired of him, who I was; and, being informed, took me by the hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my situation, he assured me that he would do me all the ser­vice in his power, both by his advice and otherwise; and, while he spoke these words, eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and muttering,— ‘O Ch—st! O Ch—st! fat a saight is here?’ I soon guessed the reason of this ejaculation, and said, ‘I suppose, Sir, you are not pleased with my dress.’ "Dress," answer­ed he, ‘you may caal it fat you please in your country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a masquerade here. No Chri­stian will admit such a figure into his hawse. Upon my conscience! I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James's market?—God bless my eye-saight! you look like a cousin-german of Ouran­outang.’ I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him if he thought I should obtain entrance to­morrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction into business? "Mr. Crin­ger, Mr. Cringer," replied he, scratching his cheek, ‘may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?’ I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes; at which he stared at me, and repeated, "O Ch—st!"—I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and, as a spe­cimen, directed us to a periwig ware-house in the neigh­bourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer, till I had parted with these carroty locks, which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind: and, as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back, and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand. As we walked along, [Page 75] Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend, who (it seems) had assured him he would in a day or two provide for him some good master; "and now," says he, ‘you shall see how I will fit you with a wig. There's ne'er a barber in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten cawl, or a penny-weight of dead hair upon me.’ And indeed this zealous adherent did wran­gle so long with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheap­er elsewhere. At length I made choice of a good hand­some bob, for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the school-master so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being obliged to attend the levé [...] of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight and nine o'clock. When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street; and, a window opening in the second story of the next house, a chamber-pot was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the mean time a footman, opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street but us, asked with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a damned noise, and what I wanted? I told him I had bu­siness with his master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he clapped the door in my face, telling me, I must learn better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my re­sentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption: but he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine out of his periwig, and, lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street-door of that house from whence he had been bedew­ed, that, the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we [Page 76] found ourselves, about the dawn, in a street we did not know. Here as we wandered along, gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, passing by me, stopped of a sudden, and took up something, which having examined, he turned and presented it to me with these words: ‘Sir, you have dropt half a crown.’ I was not a little surpri­sed at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade me recollect, and see if all my money was safe: upon which I pulled out my purse, (for I had bought one since I came to town,) and reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas, seven shillings, and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. "Well then," says he, ‘so much the better—This is Godsend—and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.’ I was astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but abso­lutely refused to take any part of the sum. ‘Come, gen­tlemen,’ said he, ‘you are too modest—I see you are strangers—but you shall give me leave to treat you with a wet this cold raw morning.’ I would have declined this invitation, but Strap whispered to me, that the gen­tleman would be affronted; and I complied. ‘Where shall we go?’ said the stranger; ‘I am quite ignorant of this part of the town.’ I informed him that we were in the same situation; upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find open; and, as we walked together, he began in this manner: ‘I find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen. My grandmother by the father's side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are a very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast of some exploits per­formed by its ancestors many hundred years ago. There's your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamil­tons. We have no such ancient families here in Eng­land. Then you are all very well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his mother tongue—And for honesty—I once had a servant, his name was Gregor M'Gregor. I would have trusted him with untold gold.’ This [Page 77] eulogium on my native country gained my affection so strongly, that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author, and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drank egg-flip? to which question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be pre­pared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition very palatable, and drank heartily, the conversation (which was introduced by the gentleman) turning upon the snares that young unexperi­enced people are exposed to in this metropolis. He de­scribed a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so much good-nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we had put the cann about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person, and pro­posed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him awake. "Suppose," said he, ‘we should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see, that won't do, there's only three of us, and I cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.’ Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour or two at cards with a friend, and, knowing that Strap understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, "I wish we could find a fourth hand." While we were in this perplexity, the person whom we sound in the house at our entrance, over-hearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus: "Gentlemen, my pipe is out you see," shaking the ashes into the fire, ‘and rather than you should be baulk­ed, I don't care if I take a hand with you for a trifle—but remember I won't play for any thing of conse­quence.’ We accepted his offer with pleasure; and, having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him, against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in a short time I was half a crown [Page 78] gainer, when the gentleman whom we had met in the street, observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune, and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but indifferently: therefore I voted for giving him his revenge; and, cutting again, Strap and I (to our mutual satisfaction) happened to be partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had got thirty shillings of their money; for, as they lost, they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stript of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists, perceiving our condition, kindly per­mitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house, began to curse the cards, and mut­tered, that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so much, that I chal­lenged him to a game of piquet for a crown; and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour, to my inexpressible af­fliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence. The gen­tleman, at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh bursted with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with my money, began in this manner: ‘I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it▪ was it in my power. But what, in the name of goodness, could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far as it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better: however, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow [Page 79] who has got your money, I don't half like him—Did you not observe me tip you the wink to leave off in time?’ I answered, "No." "No!" continued he; ‘you was too eager to mind any thing but the game. But harkee,’ said he in a whisper, ‘are you satisfied of that young man's honesty? his looks are a little sus­picious—but I may be mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you—this is a very wicked town.’ I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity, and that the grimaces he men­tioned were, doubtless, owing to his anxiety at my loss. ‘O ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord, see what's to pay.’ The reckoning amounted to eigh­teen pence, which having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed.

CHAP. XV.

IN our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap, with a hideous groan, observed, that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: ‘God send us well out of this place, we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, buffetted, pissed upon, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and by we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly; Solomon says, Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will ne­ver be wise. Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.’ This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, [Page 80] and inflamed with resentment against him, for having re­fused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I there­fore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, "Whom he called a fool?" Being altogether unac­customed to such looks from me, he stood still and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion, ut­tered, ‘Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am [...] I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes;—but Nemo omnibus horis sapit—that's all—that's all.’ Upon which a silence ensued that brought us to our lodging where I threw myself upon the bed in an agony of de­spair, resolved to perish, rather than apply to my compa­nion or any other body for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him at my dis­tress, after some pause, came to the bed-side, and put­ting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, cry­ing, ‘I know what you think: but I scorn your thoughts. There's all I have in the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that be done, if not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and starve with you; for though I be a poor cobler's son, I am no scout.’ I was so touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also, and we ming­led our tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me, who was a gentle­man, than that I should be controuled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had hap­pened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy strangers in that man­ner, to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or [Page 81] two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who had been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat,—nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind, and Strap lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his throne in London.—Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us, we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a m—b—r of p—m—t with­out a bribe; that the servant was commonly infected with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters.—He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morn­ing, when the door was opened, I slipt a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master.—I found the good effects of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand, de­sired me to wait, in a kind of passage, for an answer. In this place I continued standing three quarters of an hour, during which time I saw a great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland, pass and repass, with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audi­ence chamber; while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition.—At length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes: at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, he asked what were my commands: when he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do, till he had consulted the letter again; to save him that trouble, I told him my name was Random.—Upon which he went on, ‘Ay, ay [Page 82] Random, Random, Random—I think I remember the name;’ and very well [...]e might, for this very indivi­dual Mr. Cringer had often rode before my grandfather's cloak-bag, in quality of footman.—"Well," says he, ‘you propose to go on board a man of war, as surgeon's mate.’ I replied by a low bow. ‘I believe it will be a difficult matter,’ continued he, ‘to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the navy-office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being torn in pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect them.—However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what's to be done.’—So saying, he left me exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who (I imagined) would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap's being employed on the recommendation of his friend the school-master, by a periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week, besides bed and board.—I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the [...] of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depend­ed on the member's interest; but was treated with much more respect than I both by the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire, for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him.—Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, on ac­count of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable: but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door, to speak with him.—One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a person was introduced, whom, Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than running towards him, he saluted with a bow to the very ground, and after­wards shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies; then after a whisper which continued some minutes, wherein I [Page 83] overheard the word honour repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gen­tleman as to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon, and having given me his direction, follow­ed me to the door, where he told me, I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more▪ for Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant my fel­low dependant coming out after me overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the street, ac­costed me very civilly. This address I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made; for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green silk waistcoat trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold laced hat, a spencer wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded cane in his hand.—"I perceive," says he, ‘you are but late­ly come from Scotland?—pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be?—I suppose it is no secret—and I may possibly give you some advice that will be ser­viceable; for I have been surgeon's second mate, on board of a seventy gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.’—I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in the same circumstance about a year ago; that he had relied on Cringer's promises, until his money (which was consider­able) as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of mo­ney, he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow: that after he had waited at the navy-office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum, wherewith he bribed the s—t—y, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had af­firmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy.—That he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the end of which the ship was put out of com­mission: and, he said, the company were to be paid off in Broad-street the very next day.—That his relations being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his de­voirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter, that his interest alone had procured the war­rant; [Page 84] in obedience to which command, he came to his levée every morning, as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me, if I had yet passed at surgeon's hall? To which question, I answered, I did not so much as know it was necessary—"Necessary," cried he, ‘O Lord! O Lord! I find I must instruct you—come along with me, and I'll give you some information about that matter.’—So saying, he carried me into an ale house, where he cal­led for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the navy-office, and write to the board, desiring them to order a letter for me to the surgeon's-hall, that I might be examined touching my skill in sur­gery: That the surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter, directed to the commissioners; which qualification▪ I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents. After which, I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible.—That the expence of his qualification for second mate of a third rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown, besides the present to the secre­tary, which consisted of a three pound twelve piece.—This calculation was like a thunder-bolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings.—I ac­cordingly made him acquainted with this part of my dis­tress, after having thanked him for his information and advice.—He condoled me on this occasion, but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy.—He was run out at present, but to-morrow or next day he was certain of re­ceiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse and emptied it, before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket expence until he should receive his own money.—With a good deal of pressing he was pre­vailed upon to take five shillings, telling me that he might have what [...] wanted at any time for the trouble of going into the city, but as he had met with me, he [Page 85] would defer his going thither till to-morrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy taylor to whom he heard him turn me over.—"How," cried I, ‘is Mr. Staytape a taylor?’—"No less, I'll assure you," an­swered he, ‘and, I confess, more likely to serve you than the member: for provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.’—I told him I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incens'd at Cringer's usage, that I would never set a foot within his door again.—After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appoint­ment to meet next day at the same place, in order to set out for the city.—I went immediately to Strap, and re­lated every thing which had happened, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had been already so much im­posed upon by appearances. "However," said he, ‘if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe.’

CHAP. XVI.

IN the morning I rose and went to the place of rendez­vous, where I waited two hours in vain; and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in hope of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his breach of promise.—At length I found myself at the navy-office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below: many of whom made no better appearance than [Page 86] myself.—I consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked; and asked, if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the board, to obtain an order for examination: he answered me in broad Scotch, that he would shew me the copy of what he had written for himself, by the direc­tion of another who knew the form: and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me, that if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to a coffee-house hard by, where I▪ wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger; who told me, I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time.—Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal composed: and as I had met with so much civility from this stranger, I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be deceived by him so much to my preju­dice advice as I had been by the beau—He agreed to dine with me at a cook's shop which I frequented; and on our way thither, carried me to 'Change, where I was in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson, (for that was the name of the person who had broke his appointment.) I sought there for him to no purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town, imparted to my companion his behaviour towards me: upon which, he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of beau Jackson, (so he was called at the navy-office,) although he did not know him personally; that he had the character of a good-na­tured careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any body that would lend; that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at bottom, but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This account made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the debtor. This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson's history, which was, that, being destitute of all means to equip himself for sea when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person, who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will and power, entitling [Page 87] that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his death—that he was still under the tutorage and directions of that gen­tleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of 50 per cent. But at pre­sent his credit was very low, because his funds would do little more than pay what he had already received, this moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name was Thomson) had entertained me with this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for a third mate of a third rate about four months ago, since which time he had constantly attended at the navy-office in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the begin­ning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commis­sioners to whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see six or se­ven appointed in the same station almost every week—that now being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the s—t—y; without which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose.—I conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which, I believe, proceeded from the simi­litude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at Wapping, I desired him to take a share of my bed.—Next day we returned to the navy-office, where, after being called before the board, and que­stioned about the place of my nativity and education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, after pay­ing half a crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at surgeons-hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name.—By this time my whole stock was diminished to two shil­lings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at surgeons-hall, for my examination, which would come on in a fortnight.—In this state of perplexity, I consult­ed Strap, who assured me, he would pawn every thing he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should want: but this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of [Page 88] which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a bur­den to him.—At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees, I would think no more of that scheme. "God preserve us all in our right wits!" cried he, ‘would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock?—Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase! and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done? What sig­nifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one en­joys not content!—And in the next there is no respect of persons: better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless us) by a mus­ket shot, as it were in the very flower of one's age, in the pursuit of riches and fame.—What signify riches, (my dear friend?) do they not make unto themselves wings, as the wise man saith? and does not Horace ob­serve, Non domus aut fundus, non oeris acerous aut auri aegroto domino deduxit corpore febrem, ▪non animo curas?—I could moreover mention many other sayings in con­tempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books; but as I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure you, that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then, if we should both be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also: and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.—There­fore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small things, and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till providence shall send better tid­ings; or by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his in­finite mercy forbid.’—I could not help smiling at this harangue, which he delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all the time; and promised to do nothing of that sort without his consent and concur­rence.—He was much comforted with this declaration; and told me, in a few days he should receive a week's wages, which should be at my service, but advised me, in the mean time, to go in quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me.—I accordingly [Page 89] trudged about from one end of the town to the other, for several days, without being able to learn any thing cer­tain concerning him. However, being one day extremely hungry, and allured by the steams that regaled my no­strils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an inten­tion to gratify my appetite with two-penny worth of beef; when, to my no small surprise, I found Mr. Jackson sit­ting at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up, and shook me by the hand, saying, ‘He was glad to see me, for he intended to call at my lodgings in the afternoon.’—I was so well pleased with this rencounter, and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resent­ment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy expecta­tion of not only recovering my own money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit of his pro­mise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine complection suggested, though the account Thomson gave me of him ought to have mode­rated my expectation.—When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an ale house hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus: ‘I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that ap­pearances are against me.—But I dare say you will for­give me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed, was owing to a peremptory message I re­ceived from a certain lady, whom—harkee (but this is a great secret) I am to marry very soon.—You think this strange perhaps, but it is not less true for all that—a five thousand pounder, I'll assure you, besides ex­pectations.—For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about me—but a whim, you know—and then one would not baulk one's good fortune.—You saw that footman who din'd with us—He is one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery—You must know it was by his means I was in­troduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my money—but what of that! things are now brought to a bearing.—I have—(come a little this way) I have propos'd marriage, and [Page 90] the day is fix'd—she's a charming creature! and writes like an angel.—O Lord! she can repeat all the English t [...]gedies as well as e'er a player in Drury-Lane, and indeed is so fond of plays, that, to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre.—But you shall see—you shall see—here's the last letter she sent me.’—With these words he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my remembrance) as fol­lows:

While I was reading he seemed to be in an extasy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, ‘There is style for you! what do you think of this billet-doux?’ I answered, ‘It might be sublime for ought I knew, for it was altogether above my compre­hension.’ "O ho!" said he, ‘I believe it is—both tender and sublime—she's a divine creature! and so doats upon me!—Let me see—what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I shall do for you.—I'm a man of few words—but, say no more, that's determined.—Whether would you advise me to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the state; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?’ I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve it; especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Then I launch­ed out into the praises of a country life, as described by [Page 91] the poets whose works I had read.—He seemed to relish my [...] but withal told me, that although he had seen a great deal of the world, both at land at sea, having cruized three whole months in the channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he pro­posed to do before he should settle; and to carry his wife along with him.—I had nothing to object to his propo­sal; and asked, how soon he hoped to be happy?—"As to tha [...]," he replied, ‘nothing obstructs my happiness, but the want of a little ready cash: for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week, or two; and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad­street, by being detained too long by the dear char­mer—but there will be a recal at Chatham next week, whither the ship's books are sent, and I have com­mission'd a friend in that place to receive the mo­ney.’—"If that be all," said I, ‘there's no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days.’ ‘Yes, faith! but there is,’ said he, ‘you don't know how many rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me—I would not baulk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin all: and such offers don't occur every day.’ I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed: at this question he rubbed his chin, and said, ‘Why, truly I must be obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two?’—I assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea, if my life depended upon it.—"No," said he, ‘that's hard—that's hard—I wish I had any thing to pawn—Upon my soul, you have got excellent linen, (feeling the sleeve of my shirt.) How many shirts of that kind have you got?’—I answered, "Six ruffled and six plain."—At which he testified great surprise, and swore, that no gentleman ought to have more than four.— ‘How many d'ye think I have got?’ continued he, ‘but this and another, as I hope to be sav'd!—I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your supper [...]uity—Let me see—let me see—each of these shirts are worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computation—now suppose we pawn them [Page 92] for half price—eight times eight is sixty-four, that's three pounds four. Z—ds! that will do—give me your hand.’ "Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson," said I, ‘don't dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters.’ He protested he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him, and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows. At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was damned hard, that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune but mine also. ‘You talk of pawning my shirts,’ said I; ‘suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson? I believe it would fetch a good round sum.’ "No, hang it," said he, ‘I can't appear decently without my hanger, or agad it should go.’ However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, shewing me the sign of the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither, and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any like­lihood of recovering my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only oppor­tunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawn broker's shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. ‘Two gui­neas!’ said the pawn-broker, looking at the hanger; ‘this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings; however, since I believe the gen­man to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants;’ and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and, calling for change, counted out to him se­ven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the money some time, he said, ‘Damn it! it don't signify—this won't do my business; so you may as well take half a guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept.’ I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any more than was my due, be­cause [Page 93] I had no prospect of repaying it: upon which de­claration he stared in my face, and told me I was exces­sively raw, or I would not talk in that manner. "Blood!" cried he; ‘I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend when he is in want—'tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-gui­nea; and, if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will; if not, d—n me if ever I ask it.’ When I re­flected on my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I re­turned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night im­parted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, ‘I told you, if he was a Scotchman, you was safe enough—and who knows but this marriage may make us all? You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman-baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. Ecod! I say nothing; but yesterday morning, as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room—a fine buxom wench, i'saith! And she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name▪ that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh—sh—shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman's nose, whereby he swore a deadly oath and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace.— Omen haud malum! Is not a journeyman-barber as good as a journeyman-baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flower for the bel­ly, and the barber uses it for the head; and, as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker; for what's the belly without the head? Besides, I am told he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and, moreover, speak Latin. But I will say no more; for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity.’ With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle's end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination I found, he had combed his own hair-over the toupee of [Page 94] his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress become a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.

CHAP. XVII.

WITH the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, I preser­ved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to surgeons-hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows, who walked in the outward hall, I perceiv­ed Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up, and, inquiring into the state of his amour, understood it was still undetermined by reason of his friend's absence, and the delay of the recal at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this place? he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that, in case the one failed, he might use the other, and, with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant a young fellow came out from the place of examination with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with, which (after some pause) he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot. At length the beadle called my name with a voice that made me tremble as much as if it had been the [Page 95] sound of the last trumpet: however, there was no remedy; I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table, one of whom bade me come forward in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, "Where was you born?" To which I answered, "In Scotland." "In Scotland," said he; ‘I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland you was born?’ I named the place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and, when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion; swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least; that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or a shoemaker, but their pride would have me a gentleman (he supposed) at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education. This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits, but, on the contrary, reduced me to such a situa­tion, that I was scarce able to stand; which being percei­ved by a plump gentleman, who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm; then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he exa­mined me touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen an amputation performed? and, I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head, and said, ‘What! upon a dead subject, I suppose? If,’ continued he, ‘during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?’ After some hesitation I owned, such a case had never come un­der [Page 96] my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed, for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused. Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned a smile except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the animal ri [...]i [...]ile in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus: ‘Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what would you do?’ I answered, I would bleed him immediately. "What," said he, ‘before you had tied up his arm?’ But, this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him, and who, with a pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines? I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile, ‘So you think with such treatment the patient might recover?’ I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise. ‘That may be,’ resumed he; ‘I won't answer for your foresight; but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?’ I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopped me by saying with some precipitation, ‘Nor never will. I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.’ "Pardon me, brother," says the [...]at gentleman, "there is very good authority."—Here he was interrupted by the other with ‘Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority.— Nullius in verba—I stand upon my own bottom.’ "But, Sir, Sir," replied his an­tagonist, "the reason of the thing shews"— ‘A fig for reason,’ cried this sufficient member; ‘I laugh at rea­son; give me ocular demonstration.’ The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no man, acquainted with the anatomy of the part, would ad­vance such an extravagant assertion. This in [...]endo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed— ‘What, Sir! do you question my know­ledge in anatomy?’ By this time all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of these disputants, [Page 97] and raised their voices all together, when the chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour I was called in again, received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered to pay 5 [...]. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade me begone. To this I replied, "I will, when I have got my change;" upon which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shil­lings and sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement sunk my finances to thirteen pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he would accom­pany me to the other end of the town as soon as his exa­mination was over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which was varied in half an hour, from what I have already described, to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old smoked tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would have very well became a chimney-sweeper, or a dust-man; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great coat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose; and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a b [...]ard of his own painting. When I ex­pressed my surprize at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage: for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting re­spect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited with impa­tience for the effects of it. At length he was called in: but whether the oddness of his appearance excited a curio­sity more than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not; but he was discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell: so that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance, and a surgeon's [Page 98] qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall as a [...], and was very much alarmed and anxious to know the occasion, when he called with a lamentable voice, and piteous aspect to me, and some others who kn [...]w him, ‘For God's sake, gentlemen, bear wit­ness, that I am the same individual John Jackson who served as surgeon's mate aboard the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell.’ It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit, that ever lived, to have refrain­ed from laughing at his appearance and address; we there­fore indulged ourselves a good while at his expence, and afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few minutes resumed his former gaiety, swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend it every shilling, before he went to bed, in treat­ing his friends, at the same time inviting us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o'clock at night; and as I had a great way to walk through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I was prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted us to his friend's house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely fro­licksome; I in particular was so much elevated, that no­thing would serve me but a wench, at which demand Jack­son expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire before we parted. Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we sallied out roar [...]ng and singing, and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal en­tertainment, where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, with whom I proposed to spend the remaining part of the night; but she, not relishing my appearance, refused to grant my request before I should have made her an acknowledgment, which, not suiting with my circum­stances, we broke off our correspondence, to my no small mortification and resentment, because I thought the merce­nary creature had not done justice to my merit. In the mean time Mr. Jackson's dress had attracted the inclina­tions and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses in return for the arrack punch with which [Page 99] he treated them; till, at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of those charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor called, "To pay." When the bill was brought, it amounted to twelve shillings: he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved him­self the trouble: for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal at first; but, after some re­collection, he seized the two Dul [...]ineas who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore, if they did not immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the drawer who went out—and then, with great composure, asked, what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore, if she refused him satisfa­ction, he would have her and her whores committed to Bridewell. "Robbed," cried she, ‘robbed in my house! gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my reputation.’ At this instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she proceeded, ‘What! you must not only endeavour by your false as­persions to ruin my character, but even commit an ass­ault upon my family? Mr. constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take care to bring an action against him for de­famation.’ While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite [...] the lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried, "They are all concerned," and desired the constable to take us all into custody: an arrest was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and de­spair of us all, except Jackson, who, having been often in such scrapes, was little concerned, and charged the consta­ble, in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy: upon which we were carried all together prisoners to the Round-house, where Jackson (after a word of comfort to us) informed the constable of his being rob [...]ed, to which he said he would swear the next morning before the justice. "Ay, ay," says the bawd, ‘we shall see whose oath will most signify.’ In a little time, the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: ‘I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. [Page 100] I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood these many years, and, although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the j—t—ces, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatever she shall please to desire of them; so that, unless you make it up before morning, you and your companions may think your­selves happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bride­well. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions at the Old Bailey for your life.’ This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might he restored. The constable told him, that instead of re­trieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they would come to any com­position. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and, returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversa [...], carried her into the next room, and pleaded our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By this time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my last shilling, it was morn­ing; and I proposed to move homeward, when the con­stable gave me to understand, he could discharge no pri­soners but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation. About nine o'clock we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not many miles distant from Covent-garden, who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his [Page 101] heels, than he saluted him as follows: ‘So, Mr. Con­stable, you are a diligent man—what den of rogues have you been scouring?’ Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he continued, ‘Ay, ay, thieves, I see—old offenders.—O, your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house—yes, yes, here's an old acquaint­ance of mine—you have used expedition,’ said he to me, ‘in returning from transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation at their expence.’ I assured his worship he was mistaken in me; for he had never seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, ‘How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent which you have assumed? but it shan't avail you—you shall find me too far north for you.—Here, clerk, write this fellow's mittimus.—His name is Patrick Gaghagan.’ Here Mr. Jackson inter­posed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an out­rage upon his memory, on which he valued himself much; and, strutting up to Jackson with a fierce countenance, put his hands on his sides, and said, ‘Who are you, Sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench: but I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for, notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.’ My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, con­tinued his threats— ‘Now, I am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it—you tremble all over—your conscience won't lie still—you'll be hang'd, sir­rah,’ raising his voice, ‘you'll be hang'd: and happy had it been for the world as well as your own miserable soul, if you had been detected and cut off in the begin­ning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man's confession.’ I was in an agony of conster­nation, when the constable, going into another room with [Page 102] his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling counte­nance, and, addressing himself to us all, said, it was al­ways his way to terrify young people when they came be­fore him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own want of discern­ment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been listed off my breast.

CHAP. XVIII.

I WOULD willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the navy-office before one o'clock; accor­dingly we went thither, and gave them to the s—t—y, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to▪ find myself qualified for second mate of a third rate. When he had stuck them altogether on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies? To which interrogation▪ he answered, "No." Then I ventured to inquire if any ships were to [...]e put in commission soon? At which ques­tion he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, and con­ferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall, but that none of them had relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the s—t—y, with whom some of the c—went snacks: for which reason each of them had provided a small purse, and I was asked what I proposed to give? This was a vexatio [...]s [Page 103] question to me, who (far from being in a capacity to gra­tify a ravenous s—t—y) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet deter­mined what to give; and sneaked off towards my own lodging, [...]ursing my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.— [...] of these disagreeable reflexions, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account: for this honest man believed I [...]ad met [...]ith some dismal accident, and that he should never see me again.—Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adventure, I told him, I had met an acquaintance at surgeons-hall, with whom I spent the evening and night, but being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a little repose▪ so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened, if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep.—I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three o'clock in the afternoon; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I could scarce believe real—In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out to­wards surgeons-hall, had enquired for me there to no pur­pose; from thence he found his way to the navy-office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was un­known to every body then present; he afterwards went upon 'Change in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk; but without success: at last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask every body he met on the street, if perchance any one could give him information about me; and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of all the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he enquired for was a Scotchman?—Strap replied with great eagerness, ‘Yes, [Page 104] and had on a brown coat with long skirts.’ "The same," (said the blacksmith) "I saw him pass by an hour ago."—"Did you so?" cried Strap, rubbing his hands; ‘Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?’— ‘To­wards Tyburn in a cart,’ said he, ‘if you make good speed you may get thither time enough to see him hang'd.’—This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half a farthing.—"No no," said the other, stripping, ‘I'll have none of your money—you Scotchmen seldom carry any about with you—but I'll fight you for love.’—There was a ring immediately formed by the mob: and Strap finding he could not get off honourably without [...]ighting, at the same time burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap▪ who, in a few minutes, exhausted his breath and spi­rits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man.—The victory being thus decided, it was pro­posed to adjourn to a cellar hard by and drink friends.—But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing.—It was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty, and appear­ed before me, all besmeared with blood and dirt.—Not­withstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and found, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces.—After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a wool­en night-cap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy, an observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London is the devil's drawing-room.’—As neither of us had din­ed, [Page 105] he desired me to get up, and the milk-woman coming round at that instant, he went down stairs and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made a com­fortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the school-master.

He was no sooner gone than I began to consider my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to chuse and pur­sue some one that would procure me bread; for it is im­possible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the expence of a poor barber's boy.—My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the navy-office, I came to a resolution of inlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it would—This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction, and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie.—The school-master had made him a present of the tye-wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colos­sus.—Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not chuse to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: ‘To be sure, Mr. Ran­dom, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and indeed look like a gentleman, for as to person you may hold up your head with the best of them.—On the other hand, I am a poor, but honest cobler's son—my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to drink­ing, which you very well know—but every body has failings— humanum est errare.—Now for myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made, and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek—but what of that? perhaps I might also say that I know a little of the world—but that is to no purpose—though you be gentle and I simple, it does not fol­low but that I who am simple may do a good office to [Page 106] you who are gentle.—Now this is the case—my kins­man the school-master—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to me—I'll satisfy you in that pre­sently—his mother and my grandmother's sister's ne­phew—no, that's not it—my grandfather's brother's daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree: but this I know, he and I are cousins seven times removed.’ My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place, with, ‘D—n your relation and pedigree—if the school-master or you can be of any advantage to me, why don't you tell me without all this preamble?’—When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for some time with a grave counte­nance, and then went on: ‘Surely, our pedigree is not to be d—n'd, because it is not so noble as yours.—I am very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late—you was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so many unlucky tricks, while we were at school;—but I will no longer detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) no­thing is more uneasy than doubt— dubio procul dubio nil dubius.—My friend, or relation, or which you will, or both, the school-master, being informed of the regard I have for you—for you may be sure, I did not fail to let him know your good qualities—by the bye he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of the Eng­lish tongue, without which(he says) you will be unfit for business in this country—I say, my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have fifteen pounds per year, bed and board, whenever you please.’—I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap's immediately accompanying me to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportuni­ty through the least delay or neglect on my part. We were informed that the school-master was in company at a public-house in the neighbourhood, whither we repair­ed, and [...]ound him drinking with the very individual apo­thecary in question. When he was called to the door at [Page 107] our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out in­to his usual term of admiration: ‘O Ch—st! I sup­pose, when you heard of this office, you did not take leisure enough to come down stairs, but leapt out of the window; did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way?—It was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post in your career. O' my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation—the very penetralia—even in bed with my wife; your eagerness would have sur­mounted bolts, bars, decency and every thing.—The den of Cacus, or Sanctum Sanctorum could not have hid me from you.—But, come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house, I will present you to him forthwith.’ When I entered the room, I per­ceived four or five people smoaking, one of whom the school-master accosted thus: ‘Mr. Lavement, here's the young man of whom I spoke to you.’ The apothe­cary who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek bones that helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles like the alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth so accustomed to that contraction which produces grin­ning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without dis­covering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called canine.—This person, (I say,) after having eyed me some time, said, ‘Oho, 'tis ver well, Mons. Concordance; young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine ho [...]se to-marrow morning, Mons. Concordance vil shew you de way.’—Upon this I made my bow, and, as I went out of the room, could hear him say, Ma foy! ce'st un [...]beau garcedil;on, ce'st un galliard. As I had, by my own application, while I served Crab, ac­quired the French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, and understand any thing that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend igno­rance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the re­serve before me, might possibly discover something in dis­course, which would either yield me amusement or [Page 108] ad­vantage.—Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary's house, where the bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I entered upon business, the school-master re­commended me to his taylor, who gave me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he af­terwards accommodated me with a new hat, on the same terms; so that in a few days, I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the mean time, Strap con­veyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to ly upon, a chair without a back, an earthen chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror, the rest of its ornaments having been lately re­moved to one of the garrets for the convenience of the ser­vant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.

CHAP. XIX.

NEXT day, while I was at work in the shop, a boun­cing damsel well dressed came in on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other, and taking an oppor­tunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the reso­lution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me a understand, that this was my master's only daughter, who would have a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disap­pointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial [Page 109] veneration that might be expected; in particular, she har­boured the most perfect hatred for his countrymen, in which disposition she resembled her mother, who was an English woman; and, by these hints they dropped, I learn­ed the grey mare was the better horse—that she was a ma­tron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expence of her dependants; that she loved diversions, and looked upon Miss as her rival in all parties, which was in­deed the true cause of her disappointments; for, had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to refuse her demands.—Over and above this intelligence, I of myself soon made more discoveries; Mr. Lavement's significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his behaviour in presence of the captain, made me believe his chief torment was jealousy.—As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter, the latter, (as I under­stood from the maids) having at table one day expressed some surprize that her papa should entertain such an a [...]k­ward mean looking journeyman.—I was nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.—After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by Miss, who not knowing me, dropt a low courtesy as I advan­ced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By that time I had turned about, she had per­ceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jostling her; so I was forced to remain where I was, with my eyes fixed on the ground, and my face glowing with blushes.—At length her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word, "creature." From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day, upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridi­culous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me [Page 110] was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms, by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remained insen­sible to all her arts; and, notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her the least attention.—This neglect soon banished all the fa­vourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a [...]lighted woman took place in her heart: this she mani­fested not only in all the suggestions her malice could in­vent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procur­ing for me such servile employmen [...] as she hoped would sufficiently humble my spirit. On [...]ay in particular she ordered me to brush my master's [...]oat, but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother interposing, and examin­ing into the merits of the cause, determined it in my fa­vour; and this good office I owed not to any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be ever so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them justice; but to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people were not ignorant of, although they despised their little arts.—This ins [...]nuation of some people and some folks, put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future; and it was not long before I had reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of Captain Odonnell, who lodg­ed in the house.—In the mean time my industry and knowledge gained me the good-will of my master, who would often say in French, " Mardy! c'est un bon garcedil;on." He had a great deal of business; but as he was mostly employed among his fellow refugees, his profits were small.—However, his expence for medicines was not great, for he was the most expert man at succedaneum, of any apothecary in London; so that I have been some­times amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up a physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it.—Oyster-shells he could convert into crab's eyes; common oil into oil to sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; [Page 111] Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; turpentine into ca­pivi; and a hundred most costly preparations were pro­duced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or ▪taste, or both, in such a manner, as that it could not possibly be known.—For which purpose, cochi­neal and oil of cloves were of great service. Among ma­ny nostrums which he possessed, there was one for the ve­nereal disease, that brought him a good deal of money; and this he concealed so artfully from me, that I could never learn its composition: but during the eight months I stayed in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it, that three parts in four of those who took it, were fain to confirm the cure by a salivation under the direction of another doctor.—This bad success, in all appearance, attached him the more to his specific; and before I left him, I may venture to say; he would have sooner renoun­ced the Trinity (notwithstanding his being a good Hu­guenot) than his confidence in the never-failing power of this remedy.—Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and de­crying the use of flesh, both as a physician and a philoso­pher; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal.—Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid to her husband's admonition in this par­ticular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not; but this lady's passions became every day more and more violent, till at last she looked upon decency as an unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and her daughter gone to visit, or­dered me to call a hackney coach, in which she and the captain drove towards Covent-garden.—Miss came home in the evening, and supping at her usual hour, went to bed.—About eleven o'clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet re­turned.—This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apo­thecary, who, starting back, cried, ‘ Mort de ma vie! vat you tell-a-me?—My vife not at home!’—At that [Page 112] in­stant a patient's servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand.—While he rubbed the in­gredients in a glass mortar, he enquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a base viol, exclaimed, "Ah traitresse!"—It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming out of a coach; she flounced immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: ‘I sup­pose you thought I was lost, my dear—Captain Odon­nell has been so good as to treat me with a play.’—"Play—play!" replied he, ‘Oho! yes by gar, I believe ver prettie play.’—"Bless me!" said she, ‘what's the matter?’—"Vat de matter?" cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance, ‘by gar, you be one damn dog's wife—ventre bleu! me vil show you vat it is to put one horn upon my head. Pardieu! le captain [...] Odennell be one—’ Here the captain, who ha [...] been all the while at the door discharging the coach, en­tered, and said with a terrible voice, ‘D—mme! what am I?’ Mr. Lavement changing his tone, immediate­ly saluted him with, ‘ Oh ferviteur, monsieur le capitain [...], vous etes un gallant homme—ma femme est fort obligée’—Then turning about towards me, he pronounced with a low voice, " Et diablement obligeante, sans doute."—"Harkee, Mr. Lavement," said the captain, ‘I am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended at the civility I shew your wife.’—This declaration had such an effect on the apo­thecary, that he resumed all the politesse of a French man; and, with the utmost prostration of compliment, assured the captain that he was perfectly well satisfied with the honour he had done his wife.—Matters being thus composed, every body went to rest.—Next day I per­ceived through a glass door that opened from the shop in­to the parlour, the captain talking earnestly to Miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which however he at last found means to [Page 113] mol­lify, and sealed his reconciliation with a kiss.—This cir­cumstance soon convinced me of the occasion of the quar­rel; but notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them.—In the mean while, I had reason to believe I had inspired one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and one night when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took the opportunity of going to reap the fruits of my con­quest; her bedfellow having the day before gone to Rich­mond to visit her parents. Accordingly I got up, and (naked as I was) explored my way in the dark, to the garret where she lay.—I was ravished to find the door open, and moved softly to her bed side, transported with the hope of completing my wishes.—But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be no other than the captain's servant. I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscot, put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety. Whether this alarm had disordered my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know not; but instead of turning to the left hand, when I descended to the second story, I pursued the contrary course, and mis­took the young lady's bedchamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake before I had run against the bed po [...]ts; and then it was not in my power to retreat undis­covered; for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, and with a soft voice, bade me make less noise lest the Scotch booby in the next room should over-hear us. This hint was sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assig­nation; and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of exaltation, I was resolved to profit by my good fortune.—Without any more ceremony, therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me [...] favourable a reception as I could desire. Our conver­sation was very sparing on my part, but she upbraided the person whom I represented, with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had well nigh occasioned a discovery more than once; but I was consoled for her hatred of me, by the revenge I en­joyed in understanding from her own mouth, that it was [Page 114] now high time to save her reputation by matrimony; for she had reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse. While I was me­ditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like something heavy falling down upon the floor: upon which I started up, and creeping to the door of my chamber, observed by moon light, the shadow of a man groping his way out; so I retired to one side to let him pass, and saw him go down stairs as expeditiously as he could. It was an easy matter to divine that this was the captain, who having overslept himself, had got up at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had entered my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place. But finding his mistake, by falling over my chair, he was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and for that reason made off, delaying the grati­fication of his desire till another opportunity. By this time I was satisfied and instead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I fortified by bolting the door, and, in the congratulation of my own happiness, [...]ell asleep.—But the truth of this adventure could not be long [...] from my young mistress, who next day came to an explanation with the captain, upon his lamenting his last night's disappoint­ment, and begging pardon [...] the noise he had made. Their mutual the grin, when they came to the knowledge of what had happened, may be easily conjectured, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other, for she was conscious of not only having betrayed to me the secrets of her commerce with him, but also of having incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation.—On the other hand, his jealou­sy suggested, that her sorrow was all artifice; and that I had supplied his place with her own privity and consent.—That such was the situation of their thoughts, will ap­pear in the sequel; for that very day she came into the shop, where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, Swimming in tears upon me, sighed most piteously; but I was proof against her distress, by recollecting the epithets with which she had honoured me the night before; and believ­ing that the good reception I enjoyed was destined for another, therefore took no notice of her affliction; and [Page 115] she had the mortification to find her disdain returned four­fold.—However, from thenceforward she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish her shame. By these means my life became much more agreeable, (though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocturnal visit;) and as I every day improved in my know­ledge of the town, I shook off my aukward air by de­grees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAP. XX.

ONE night about twelve o'clock, as I returned from visiting a patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand that stretched me senseless on the ground, and was left for dead with three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered, when I re­covered the use of my reason, alarmed the people of a so­litary ale-house that stood near the spot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails: the second [...]launted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade [...]self that I had been assaulted by a common foot-pad, because it is not usual for such people to murder those they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; and I found my money and every thing else about me (but my carcase) safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private [Page 116] resentment of some secret enemy for what had happened—and, as I could remember nobody, who had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain Odonnell and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation. With this view I went home in a chair about ten o'clock in the morning, and, as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain in the pas­sage, who no sooner saw me than he started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the surprise occasioned by seeing me in such a condition. My master, having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy, and, when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, order­ed me to be carried up stairs to bed, though not without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire Odonnell and his inamorata, whom looked upon as the authors of my misfortune, when Miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber, and, saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I suspected any body to be the assassin? Upon which I fixed my eyes stedfastly upon her, and answered, "Yes." She discovered no symptom of confusion, but replied ha­stily, ‘If that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have him apprehended? it will cost but a trifle—if you have no money, I'll lend you.’ This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have farther proof, before I should enterprize any thing in the way of re­venge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly; for, though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear, with a safe conscience, to any particular man, and, granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail. This un­certainty I pretended, left the captain, hearing from her that I knew the person who wounded me, might think [Page 117] proper to withdraw, before I could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up, and able to do a little business; so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice, without hiring another journeyman in my room. The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get into Odonnell's apartment while he was abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the frag­ment that was found sticking in my body, and found it answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room le [...]t for doubt, and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him out­right. But this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satis­faction in an honourable way, but was diverted from this undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did not intitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put my design in execution after this manner—Having secured the assistance of Strap, and two of his acquaintance whom he could de­pend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery one Sunday evening:

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary's wife who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard Odonnell was an admirer. Every thing succeeded to our wish. The [Page 118] amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignation, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to his skin, which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark-naked, to find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. I afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the Round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapped up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daugh­ter, who vied with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself could not [...]orbear expressing his joy by several malicious grins while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having [...]ead him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked and stripped in such a place, having been in [...]erted in the news, gave in­formation to those who found his clothes next day, whi­ther to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved every thing he had lost except a few letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of the apothe­cary's wife. This and the others, which (it seems) were all on the subject of love, (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called fortune-hunters,) fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal she has published, who, after having embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print. I was very much shocked o [...] reflecting, that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole [Page 119] family's unhappiness on account of the letter I had written, but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood, that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the printer for defamation, and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But, whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it; for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change any more than of the occasion of it; but, as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothecary, who (as he imagined) having got an inkling of the ap­pointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described. By that time he had got a new scarf skin, his character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night without beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of every thing that belong­ed to him, except the clothes he had on his back. A few days after he disappeared. Mr. Lavement, for his own security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left, and as it was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what Odon­nell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his presence; which task I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and dis­covered, to his inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre, and at the same time assured me, that, what­ever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me, so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this poor honest fellow, in­gratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began [Page 120] to be tired of his acquaintance, and, now that I had con­tracted other friendships which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon his ac­cepting the proposal, which he at last determined to em­brace with great reluctance, and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. I now began to look upon my­self as a gentleman in reality, learned to dance of a French­man whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper, fre­quented plays during the holidays, became the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my de­cision, and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crown­ing all my wishes by matrimony—when one morning I went to her lodgings, and, her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where, to my utter confusion, I found her in bed with a man. Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to withdraw immediately, and I thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to pro­fit so much as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.

CHAP. XXI.

WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his first floor to my coun­tryman and acquaintance Squire Gawky, who by this time [Page 121] had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial fe­rocity in his appearance, that I was afraid he would re­member what had happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punctu­ality now; but whether he had actually forgotten me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured of my apprehension, though I had occasion, not long after, to be convinced, that, howsoever his ex­ternals might be altered, he was at bottom the same indi­vidual Gawky whom I have already described: for, coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and, as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were miserably disfigured with dirt, complained bit­terly of the loss of their hats and wigs, and one of them, whom by his tongue I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alledging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country was so strong, that I could not bear to see any body be­longing to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned, He was no sooner disengaged than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and indeed I came off but scurvily; for, before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from one of the other two, that had well nigh de­prived me of the use of that organ; however, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of Captain Gawky's being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treat­ment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately. When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by the ser­vant, that he came in just before me without hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in that belief upon hearing his [Page 122] voice, to which (before that event) I had been so long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the truth of the whole story, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered. Accordingly, next day, after he had told in presence of my master, his wife, and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies concern­ing the prowess he had shewn in making his escape, I ven­tured to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonisted at this discourse, that he could not speak one word, and the rest of the company stared at one another, till at length my mistress reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption: upon which Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could for­give his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his civility, but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to pub­lish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the captain's generosity in pardoning one who had so villain­ously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife and daughter, differed from them in his sentiments of the mat­ter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this man­ner: ‘ Ah mon pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine vi [...]e and dater be diablement [...]age, and Mons. le capitaine un sanfaron, pardieu▪’ This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture when one was absolutely necessary; for the young lady, finding the effects of her correspondence with Odon­nell becoming plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so artfully into the affections of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were coupled, from thence removed to a bagnio, where the [Page 123] marriage was consummated, and in the morning came home, where they asked her father's and mother's blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which the [...] was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned to him one syllable on the article of her dowery; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures. Nor was I without self-enjoyment at this event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy in making him a cuckold by anticipation. But I little dreamed what a storm of mischief was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged myself. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of en­mity so strongly in his breast, that he (it seems) imparted his indignation to his wife, who, being as desirous as him­self to compass the ruin of one that had not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover particulars not at all advantageous to her character, rea­dily joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.

My master, having several times missed large quantities [...] medicines of which I could give no account, at last lost [...] patience, and in plain terms taxed me with having em­bezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, ‘By Gar, your vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine— pardonnez moi—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a cette huere.’ Then raising his voice to conceal the right he was in, lest I should make any opposition, he went on, ‘ Oui, foutre, I charge you rendez le clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous parle.’ I was [...]ired with so much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and, pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy him­self immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered from [Page 124] his unjust suspicion. He took the key, and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family—saying, " Eh bien, nous v [...]rro [...]s—n [...]us verrons." But what was my horror and amazement, when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things that were missing, and pronounced, ‘ Ah ha! vous etes bien venus—mardie, Mons. R [...]derique, you be f [...]rt innocent!’ I had not power to utter one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while every body present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The servants said they were sorrow for my misfortune, and went away repeating, "Who would have thought it!" My mistress took occasion from this detection to rail against the practice of employing strangers in general, and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the justice, and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a con­stable, when Mr. Lavement, knowing the cost and trou­ble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my con­fession might affect his practice, called out, ‘ Restez, mon fils! restez; it be veritablement one grand crime which dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peutetre de good God give him de penitence, and me vil not have upon my head de blood of one sinner.’ The captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal could sug­gest to prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruc­tion, and represented the injustice he did to the commu­nity, of which he was a member, in letting a villain escape, who would not fa [...]l of doing more mischief in the world, when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now:—but their eloquence made no impression upon my master, who, turning to me, said, ‘Go, miserable, go from mine house, quick, quick—and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.’ By this time my indignation had roused me from the stupe [...]action in which I had hitherto remained, and I began in this manner: ‘Sir, appearances, I own, condemn me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused—I have fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel,’ pointing to Gawky, ‘who has found means to convey your goods thither, that the [Page 125] detection of them might blast my reputation, and ac­complish my destruction. His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in my own country, for which injury he in a cowardly manner re­fused me the satisfaction of a gentleman—he knows, moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly beha­viour in this town, which I have recounted before—and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin—And I am afraid, Madam,’ turning to Mrs. Gawky, ‘you have too easily entered into the sentiments of your husband—I have often found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I don't at present think proper to declare; but I would not advise you, for your own sake, to drive me to an extremity.’ This address en­raged her so much, that with a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and, putting her hands on her sides, spit in my face, saying, I was a scan­dalous villain, but she defied my malice—and that, unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay another night under his roof. At the same time Gawky, assuming his big look, told me he scorned what lies I could invent against him, but that, if I pre­tended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death, by G—d. To this threat I answered, ‘I wish to God I could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal—What hinders me this moment,’ said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by, "from doing myself that justice?" I had no sooner armed myself in this manner than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one over­turned the other, and they rolled together down stairs, while my mistress swooned away with fear, and her daugh­ter asked if I intended to murder her. I gave her to under­stand that nothing was farther from my intention; that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience, but was firmly resolved to flit her husband's nose, whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity. Then, going down stairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the [Page 126] pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley; and, having assured them of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, "Ah! villain! you have killed my dear wife;" and the apothecary cried, " Ah coquin! vere is my shild?" "The lady," said I, ‘is above stairs unhurt by me, and will in a few months hence, I believe, reward your concern.’ Here she called to them, and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no farther about him: to which request her father consented, observing nevertheless, that my conversation was fort mysterieuse. Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately, and went to the school-master, with an intention of clear­ing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the country, where he would stay two three days. I returned with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in my master's neighbour­hood; but my story had taken air through the officiousness of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than ever; for, though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now—but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected with a distemper contracted in the course of an amour, and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assist­ance, absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy con­juncture, was to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodged, where I remain­ed two days, in hope of getting another place by the in­terest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my character: but in this suppo­sition I reckoned without my host; for Lavement took care to be before-hand with me; and, when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the school-master, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce hear me to an end; but, when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and beginning with his usual exclamation, "O Ch—st!" said he, ‘that won't go down with me. I [Page 127] am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but, however, I shall be more cautious for the future—I will trust no man from hence­forward—no, not my father who begat me—nor the brother who lay with me in my mother's womb—Should Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an im­postor, and, were the genius of truth to appear, would question his veracity.’ I told him, that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had suffer­ed, and repent of his premature determination: to which remark he answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with joy; ‘but till that shall happen,’ continued he, ‘I must beg to have no man­ner of connection with you: my reputation is at stake—O my good God! I shall be looked upon as your ac­complice and abettor—people will say, Jonathan Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along, and the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin: I shall be no­torious—the very butt of slander, and cloaca of infa­my.’ I was not in an humour to relish the climax of expressions, upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses, but without any ceremony took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in the in­tervals of my despondence, that I must in some shape suit my expence to my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment in a garret near St. Giles's at the rate of nine pence per week. In this place I was resolved to perform my own cure, having first pawned three shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion.

One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing upon the unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine, in­to which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretch­ed on a miserable truckle-bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same individual la­dy, who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable [Page 128] situation filled my breast with compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her embrace. She knew me immediately; an straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help increasing: at length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, ‘Dear Mr. Ran­dom, I do not deserve this concern at your hands—I am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your person—suffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.’ I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me; and that although my circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. In the mean time begged to know the immediate cause of that fit, from which she had just recovered, and said I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this ex­pression, took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, ‘You are too generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I perish for want.’ Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect then must it have had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I ran down stairs, and sent my landlady to a chymist's shop for some cinnamon-water, while I, return­ing to this unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself: this aim, with much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits; then I prepared a lit­tle mulled red wine and a toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town by prosession; that, in the course of her adventures, she found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to which all of her class are particularly sub­ject; that, her malady gaining ground every day, she be­came loathsome to herself, and offensive to others, when she resolved to retire to some obscure corner, where she [Page 129] might be cured with as little noise and expence as possi­ble; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could procure; left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had pawned or sold every thing that be­longed to her, to satisfy the rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street.—After having mo­ralized upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, an expedient that would save some money; and assured her I would undertake her cure as well as my own, during which she should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice immediately.—I found in her, not only an agreeable companion, whose conversa­tion greatly alleviated my chagrin but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my sur [...]rise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education, (for she had a large portion of each,) could be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute; she an­swered with a sigh, ‘These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.’—This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she com­plied in these words.

CHAP. XXII.

MY father was an eminent merchant in the city, who having, in the course of trade, suffered very consi­derable losses, retired in his old age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time I being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian, and who confined me so closely to what she [Page 130] called the duties of religion, that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an aversion for the good books she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me, I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she advised me to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbs, and all the books that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and by comparing one with another, I should soon be able to form a system of my own. I fol­lowed her advice, and whether it was owing to my pre­possession against what I had formerly read, or the clear­ness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not, but I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed free-thinker. Proud of my new im­provement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a philoso­pher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretend­ed to make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift, than taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and conjur­ed him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles; accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the fif­teenth year of my age, and, by his command, gave him a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been represented.—Find­ing myself suddenly deprived of the company and plea­sures of the town, I grew melancholy, and it was some time before I could relish my situation.—But solitude be­came every day more and more familiar to me, and I con­soled myself in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not employed in the ma­nagement of the family, (for my mother had been dead three years,) in visiting, or some other party of rural di­version.—Having more imagination than judgment, I [Page 131] ad­dicted myself too much to poetry and romance; and in short was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by every body in the country where I resided.—I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father's house; when a certain drunken squire0, riding by, perceived me, and crying, ‘Z—ds! there's charm­ing creature!’ alighted in a moment, caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I▪ could, and in the mean time opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire.—During this struggle, another horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted and flew to my assistance.—My ravisher, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired at my protector, who happily re­ceiving no damage, went up, and with the but-end of his whip laid him prostrate on the ground, before he could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to the squire's breast, threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In this dilem­ma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss.—However, my de­fender thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty.—This courteous stranger conducted me home, where my father, having learned the signal service he had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our house.—If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to intitle him to somewhat more.—He was about the age of two and twenty, among the tallest of the middle size; had ches­nut coloured hair, which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aqualine, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness of countenance.—But what need I describe any more particulars of his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I had [Page 132] not been well acquainted with his family and pedigree, I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother.—He spoke little, and seemed to have no re­serve, for what he said was ingenious, sensible, and un­common.—In short, (said she, bursting into tears,) he was formed for the ruin of our sex.—His behaviour was modest and respectful, but his looks were so significant that I could easily observe, he secretly blessed the occa­sion that introduced him to my acquaintance.—We learn­ed from his discourse, that he was the eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no strangers; that he had been to visit an ac­quaintance in the country, from whose house he was re­turning home, when my shrieks brought him to my rescue. All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridi­culous expectations: there was so much of knight-er­rantry in this gentleman's coming to the relief of a dam­sel of distress, with whom he immediately became ena­moured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of romance, who, being delivered from the power of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by re­flections more reasonable and severe: the amusing images took full possession of my mind, and my dreams repre­sented my hero, sighing at my feet, in the language of a despairing lover.—Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft im­pression.—In a short time he repeated his visit; and, as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me, would be too tedious and impertinent; let it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding: this task he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through misapprehension, that I might have an op­portunity of clearing myself, the more to my own [Page 133] ho­nour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion founded on a veneration for the qualities of my mind, and as an ac­cidental ornament, admired the beauties of my person; till at length, being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was [...] for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he receiv­ed my approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more fre­quently in private interviews, where we enjoyed the con­versation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope, that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the avaricious disposition of his fa­ther, who had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion, that I became a dupe to his deceit, and in an evil hour crowned his eager desire with full possession. Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace for momentary gratification, which has en­tailed upon me such misery and horror! cursed be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer! cursed be my education, that, by refi [...]ing my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and taught me the pre­ference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, no body would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned for the coarse­ness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to the enchantments of one alone.

But to return to my unfortunate story: we gave a loose to guilty pleasure, which for some months banished every other concern.—At last, by degrees, his visits became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my re [...] ­tation might be safe: [...]e seemed to a [...] [...] in m [...] pro­posal, and left me on pretence of finding a proper clergy­man [Page 134] to unite us in the bands of wedlock.—But, alas! the inconstant had no intention to return: I waited a whole week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring the least suspicion of his faith.—At length, I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house, that this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials.—This information distracted me! the more so, as I found myself some months gone with child, and reflected, that it would be impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would not only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, but also bring the grey hairs of an indulgent parent with sorrow to the grave. Rage took possession of my soul; I de­nounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me! Then my resentment would subside to silent sorrow: I recalled the tranquillity I had lost, I wept over my in­fatuation, and sometime [...] [...] of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer my [...] heart; I would re­volve all the favourable circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to the vigi­lance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expecta­tion of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any terms of agreement.—But how vain was my imagi­nation! The villain left me without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage was spread all over the coun­try.—My horror was then inconceivable! and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life.—My father observ­ed the symptoms of my despair; and, though I have good reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he en­deavoured with paternal fondness to alleviate my distresses. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my calamity to an implaca­ble degree. Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from this unhappy parent in the night-time, and, about break of day, arrived at a small town, from whence a stage coach set out for London, in [Page 135] which I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against every other reflection.—My first care was to hire a lodg­ing, in which I kept myself very retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my character and situation might be the better concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario, (so let me call him,) I was desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling the por­ter I had business for his master's private ear: upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my request.—There I remained about a quar­ter of an hour, when a servant entered and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged to be ex­cused at that time.—My temper could hold out no long­er: I pulled a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it, and rushing out, flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, ‘Where is this perfidious villain! Could I once plunge this dagger into his false heart, I should then die satisfied.’ The noise I made alarmed not on­ly the servants, but the company also, who, hearing my threats, came forwards to the stair-case to see what was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and with-held by two footmen; and in this situation felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I recovered the use of re­flection, found myself on a bed in a paultry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition; and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed that I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam: but my lady persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any other [Page 136] reply, than desiring she would do me the [...]avour to call a chair; but this (she told me) could not be done without her master's consent, which, however, was easily procu­red, and I was conveyed to my own lodgings in a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscar­riage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that hea­ven thus disposed of my burden; for, let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the fa­ther's infidelity.

After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm; when one day my landlady in­formed me, that there was a gentleman below, who desir­ed to see me, he having something of consequence to im­part, which he was sure would contribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and, before I came to any determination, he entered my room with an apology for intruding upon me against my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and, not being able to recollect his face, demanded with a faultering accent, what his business was with me? upon which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing gave me to understand, that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario's own mouth—that, from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a detestation for the author of them, which had of late been increased and in­flamed to a desire of revenge by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that, hearing of my melancholy situation he had come with an intention of offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quar­rel, and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration, which he hoped I should see no reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not [Page 137] have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my companion in my arms, and vowed that, if he would make good his promise, my soul and body should be at his disposal. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an ac­count of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraid­ed him with treachery towards me, for whom, he told him, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left him weltering in his blood.—I was so savaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that remained on his clothes and sword, and yielded up my body as a recompence for the service he had done me. My imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, man­gled, and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his inno­cence, and pleaded his own cause so pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and awakened in a fit of horror and remorse. My bed-fellow endeavoured to sooth, con­sole, and persuade me that I had but barely done justice to myself.—I dropt asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy. In short, I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with such ab­horrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario's recovery; it was true, he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.—At these words I started up, bade him fly for in­telligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of Lo­thario's safety, at least consult his own, and never return: for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and de­clare all that I knew of the affair, that if possible I might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sin­cere repentance and ignominious death.—He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me [Page 138] in­spired, and honour justified; that now he had, at the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent occasionally necessa­ry: and that even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, it was probable my former re­sentment might revive, and I would upbraid him with having failed in his undertaking.—I assured him that, on the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour, than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an adversary, (how inveterate soever,) which fortune had put in his power.—"Well then, Madam," said he, ‘whatever may have happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour.’ And took his leave in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel.—I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was ow­ing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes: but now that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to ex­press the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.

Being well acquainted with his hand, I had no reason to suspect an imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much, that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers; [Page 139] the most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting; that very letter, which in a manner re­established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust reproaches, while they waked my re­sentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could de­sire, introduced into the company of other kept mistresses, by whom an uncommon deference was paid to me, and I began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view with all its interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:

‘Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house in the county of—, about the end of September, on account (as is supposed) of some unea­siness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of, who­ever will give any information about her to Mr.—, of Gray's-inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or, if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, already weigh­ed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow.’

This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully resolved to return like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave me life; but alas! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to na­ture a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger as a mark of his re­sentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetra­ted with remorse on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound melancholy, and considered myself as the imme­diate cause of his death. I lost all relish for company, and indeed most of my acquaintance no sooner perceived my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio, dis­gusted at my insensibility, or (which is more probable) cloyed with possession, became colder and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without making any apo­logy [Page 140] for his conduct, or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, consi­dering the share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that the quarrel between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my person, which, it seems, he lusted after, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my own sim­plicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of Horatio, and, as I became every day more and more familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be reveng­ed on the sex in general by practising their own arts up­on themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and in­vectives against the wretch who had forsaken me, insinua­ting withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to di­vide the profits of my prostitution accruing from such gal­lants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a cer­tain j—ge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent creature just arrived from the country. He was so transported with my appearance and feigned sim­plicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for one night only, during which I behaved in such a manner as to make him perfectly well pleased with his purchase.

CHAP. XXIII.

HER story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which was no sooner opened than three or four ter­rible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my fellow-lodger thus: ‘Madam, your servant—you must do me the favour to come along with me—I have got a writ against you.’ While the bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker, and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she not begged me with a composure of countenance, for which I could not account, to use no violence in her behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then, turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the writ; and, having perused it, said with a faultering voice, ‘I am not the person whose name is here mentioned; arrest me at your peril.’ "Ay, ay, Madam," repl [...]d the catchpole, ‘we shall prove your identity.—In the mean time, whe­ther will you be pleased to be carried to my house or to jail?’—"If I must be confined," said she, ‘I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.’—"Well, well," answered he, ‘if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall be entertained like a princess.’ But, when she acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach to carry her to the Marshalsea at once. While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no concern on her account; for she [Page 142] knew how to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance, and, when the coach came to the door, offered to accompany her to prison; to which proposal, after much entreaty, she consented. When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conducto [...] alighted, and, having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turn­key, who no sooner perceived the name of Elisabeth Cary than he cried, ‘Ah hah! my old acquaintance Bett! I'm glad to see thee with all my heart.’ So saying, he opened the coach-door, and helped her to dismount; but, when he observed her face, he started back, saying, "Z—ds! who have we got here?" The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion, ‘Who the devil should it be but the prisoner Elisabeth Cary?’ The turnkey replied, ‘That Elisabeth Cary!—I'll be damn'd if that's Elisabeth Cary more than my grand­mother.—D—n my blood, I know Bett Cary as well as if I had made her.’ Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble.—"It may be so," answered he; ‘but by G—d, I'll have farther evidence that you are not the person before you and I part.’—"Yes, yes," said she, "you shall have farther evidence to your cost." Then we adjourned into the lodge and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her ac­quaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately: I found them together at a house in Bridges-street, Drury­lane; and, as they were luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation, after I had related to them the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with hopes of seeing a bailiff troun­ced; for there is an antipathy as natural between the whores and bailiffs as that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of peace, [Page 143] that she was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who by this time was convinced of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that trouble.—"Ladies," said he, ‘there's no harm done—you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends.’ This pro­posal was not at all relished by the sisterhood, and Miss Williams told him, ‘Sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to be satisfied with a paultry glass of [...]our wine.’—Here the turnkey interrupted her, by affirming with an oat! that the wine was as good as ever was tipped over tongue.—"Well," continued she, ‘that may be—but was it the best Champaign, it is no recompense for the damage I have suffered, both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail—At this rate no innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity—but, thank Heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.’ Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailiff's name) finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and per­plexed, and, leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses against the old b—ch our landlady (as he called her) for having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who, calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a cou­ple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and, putting the other in her pocket, drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grum­bling over his loss, yet pleased in the main for having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes except those on my back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this happened. As we [Page 144] resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we re­moved next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this manner:

The success of our experiment on the j—ge encouraged us to practise the same deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good purpose; but this harvest lasted not long, my character taking air, and my directress de­serting me for some new game. Then I took lodgings near Charing-cross at two guineas per week, and began to entertain company in a public manner: but, my income being too small to defray my expence, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of cer­tain taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them.—Accordingly I was almost every night engaged with com­pany, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness, brutality, and disease. How miserable is the condition of a courte­zan, whose business is to sooth, suffer, and obey the dic­tates of rage, insolence, and lust! As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking man [...]er, and kicked down stairs with disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find myself almost totally neglected. To contribute towards my support, I was fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by my­self on the misery before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whither I repaired in a chair, and was in­troduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner, and, after drinking a hearty glass of Champaign, went to bed. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up, and, draw­ing [Page 145] aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room. This circumstance gave me some uneasiness; but, as he might have retired on some necessary occasion, I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity rose up, and rung the bell. When the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing with great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, ‘How, Madam! is he not a-bed?’ and, when he was satisfied as to that particu­lar, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the win­dow of which he found open. Through this the adven­turer had got upon a wall, from whence he had dropped down into a court, and escaped, leaving me to be answer­able not only for the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried off with him. It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself detained as a thief's accomplice; for I was looked upon in that light, and carried before a justice, who, mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell, having advised me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now con­cluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sunk so deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself in hell tormented by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that idea; for, of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always entertained of the infernal regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish, and im­piety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphe­my. In the midst of this hellish crew I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which miserable intervals I was robbed by my fellow-pri­soners of every thing about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings; I was not only destitute of necessaries but [Page 146] even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of my own clothes which I had sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week's lodging.—Over­whelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the middle of the night, when I thought every body round me asleep, and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and, making a noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself; but, before I could adjust the knot, I was surprised and pre­vented by two women who had been awake all the while, and suspected my design. In the morning my attempt was published among the prisoners, and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which, co-operating with my disap­pointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecs [...]asy of madness, during which I tore my flesh from my bones with my teeth, and dashed my head against [...]he pavement—so that they were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing farther mischief to myself and others. This fit of phrenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and [...]ullen; but, as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast I found my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this critical conjunc­ture a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house among the hundreds of Drury, where she entertain­ed the gentlemen with claret, arrack, and the choice of half a dozen damsels, who lived in her house. This ser­viceable matron, having neglected to gratify a certain [Page 147] ju—ce for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter-sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not been long there before she learned by disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, in­quired into the particulars of my fate: while we were en­gaged in discourse together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken; that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he the master had orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free. This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an instantaneous effect on my coun­tenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present) hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to fur­nish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house, as soon as she could compromise matters with the ju—ce. The conditions of her offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with, to be deduct­ed from the first profits of my embraces. These were hard terms, but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my [...] by my reserved and haugh­ty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposi­tion, and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay man­ner I could assume. Having the advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the utter­most, and soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Cou­pler, who could not bear the thoughts of being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among her customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my reputation, and blast my prosperity; every body shunned me with marks of aversion and dis­dain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satis­fy [Page 148] my malicious landlady, who, having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was arrested in her own house. Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff enter­ed, not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears, and one of them bid me be of good cheer, for I would not want admirers in Newgate. At that instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and, seeing my plight, began to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune, when this writ advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire­ship.—"A fire-ship!" replied the sailor; ‘more like a poor galley in distress that has been boarded by such a fire-ship as you; if so be as that is the case, she stands in more need of assistance. Harkee, my girl, how far have you over-run the constable?’ I told him the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expence of the writ.—"An' that be all," said he, ‘you shan't go to the bilboes this bout’—and, taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged the bailiff, and, telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour where I could be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece of gene­rosity, that for some time I had not power to thank him. However, as soon as I had recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falshood of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.

Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails—when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, advised me to take lodgings in a place of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might intrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow me an handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and danger of a prison by becoming liable for what­ever [Page 149] debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of my maid, with the proviso, that she should be reimbur­sed and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apart­ment in Park-street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and my own. I made my first appear­ance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with silver, and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two my [...]ame was spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I son found them out to be all indigent adven­turers like myself, who crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I main­tained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as pos­sible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my pur­pose, and at length attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes; and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our nuptials: in the in­terim he begged leave to introduce an intimate friend to me; which request as I could not refuse, I had the ex­treme mortification and surprise to see next night, in that friend, my old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour, but had presence of mind to ad­vance and salute me, bidding me(with a low voice) be under no apprehension; for he would not expose me. In spite of this assurance I could not recover myself so far as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pre­tence of a severe headach, to the no small co [...]cern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.

Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed in this man­ner—Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in small parcels, (she, on pretence of fetching cordials for me,) carried them, at several times, to the house of an acquaint­ance [Page 150] where she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night, when every body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among trades-people, but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions, till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune, or expectation of one, but that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had incurred or should contract from myself to another, and at the same time avenge myself of your sex by rendering miserable one who bore such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you from my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she went to buy sugar for breakfast. The person in bed with me was a gentleman whom I had allured the night before as he walked homeward pretty much elevated with liquor; for by this time my condition was so low, that I was for­ced to turn out in the twilight to the streets in hopes of prey. When I found myself detected and [...]orsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodgings, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before. My companion, being disap­pointed in her expectations, left me to trade upon her own bottom, and I had no other resource than to venture forth, like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate-hill and Charing-cross, a whole winter-night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the weather but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one cully; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable, draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease that in a short time rendered me the object of my own abhorrence and drove me to the retreat, where your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.

[Page 151] So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's narration, that I made no scruple of believing every syl­lable of what she said; and expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little time for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years. I compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched: I had en­dured hardships, 'tis true; my whole life had been a se­ries of such, and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered:—but then they were become habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them with less dif­ficulty.—If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the emergen­cies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character, beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity; she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupt­ed happiness through the whole scene of life.—How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable must her reverse of fortune be! a reverse, that not only robs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want; but also murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy!—Of all professions I pronounced that of a courtezan the most deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most unhappy. She allow­ed my observation to be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed, that notwithstanding the disgraces that had fallen to her share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same com­munity.—"I have often seen," said she, ‘while I strol­led about the streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley; some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glitter­ing in all the pomp of equipage and dress.’—And in­deed the gradation is easily conceived: the most fashion­able [Page 152] woman of the town is as liable to contagion as one in a much humbler sphere; she infects her admirers, her situation is public; she is avoided, neglected, unable to support her usual appearance, which however she strives to maintain as long as possible; her credit fails, she is obliged to retrench and become a night-walker, her ma­lady gains ground, she tampers with her constitution, and ruins it▪ her complexion fades, she grows nauseous to every body, finds herself reduced to a starving condition, is tempted to pick pockets, is detected, committed to Newgate, where she remains in a miserable condition, till she is discharged, because the plaintiff will not appear to prosecute her. Nobody will afford her lodging, the symptoms of her distemper are grown outrageous, she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the expence of her nose; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends upon the addresses of the lowest class, is fain to allay the rage of hunger and cold with gin, dege­nerates into a brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill.— ‘Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me;—No, (cried she, af­ter some pause,) I shall never live to such extremity of distress; my own hand shall open a way for my deli­verance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!’ Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion; I re­vered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with such care and suc­cess, that in less than two months, her health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often con­ferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were formed, which upon further canvassing appeared impracticable.—We would have gladly gone to service; but who would take us in without recommendation? At length an expedient occur­red to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this was to procure with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for service; by which means she might be pro­vided for in a manner much more suitable to her inclina­tion, than her present way of life.

CHAP. XXIV.

I APPLAUDED the resolution of Miss Williams, who, a few days after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea; and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she would remain in this situation no longer than she could pick up money sufficient to put her other design in execution.

As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I hesitated so long, that I found myself reduced to a starving condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean, as to go down towards Wapping, with an in­tention to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I under­stood, had got the command of a small coasting vessel, then in the river, and implore his assistan [...]e. But my de­stiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower-wharf, a squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling, ‘Yo, ho! brother, you must come along with me.’—As I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which he whis­tled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared be­fore me, who laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me along.—Not being of a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and with [Page 154] one blow of my cudgel laid him motionless on [...] ground: and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice, by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and suc­cess, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on my head, and ano­ther on my left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender; where, after be­ing pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold, among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well nigh distracted me.—As the commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow-captives who was unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket and tye it round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, 'tis true, but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure, sold it before my face to a bum-boat woman, ^* then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions, regardless of my circumstances and intreaties.

I complained bitterly of this robbery, to the midship­man on deck, telling him, at the same time, that unless my [...]urts were dressed, I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person, who squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me, ‘I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be damn'd.’ Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to pa­tience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be re­called at a fitter season.—In the mean time loss of blood, vexation and want of food, contributed, with the noi­some stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, admi­nistered by the tar who stood centinel over us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of [...]ip, and com­forted me with the hopes of being put on board of the [Page 155] Thunder next day, where I should be freed from my hand­cuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor.—I no soon­er heard him name the Thunder, than I asked, if he had belonged to that ship long; and he giving me to under­stand he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling?— ‘Know Lieutenant Bowling,’ said he— ‘odds my life! and that I do; and a good seaman he is, as ever stept upon forecastle,—and a brave fellow as ever crackt bisket;—none of your guinea pigs,—nor your fresh-water, wishy washy fair-weather fowls. Many a taught gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together.—Here's his health with all my heart, wherever he is, a-loft or a-low—in heaven or in hell—all's one for that—he needs not be ashamed to shew himself.’—I was so much af­fected with this eulogium that I could not refrain from telling him, I was Lieutenant Bowling's kinsman, in consequence of which connection, he expressed an incli­nation to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he re­counted a great many exploits of my uncle, who (I found) was very much beloved by the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakhum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the ship. Having by accident in my pocket my uncle's letter writ­ten from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated: when he heard that part of it, in which, he says, he had writ to his landlord, in Deal; he cried, ‘Body o'me! that was old Ben. Block—he was dead before the letter came to hand.—Ey, ey, had Ben. been alive, Lieute­nant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long.—Honest Ben. was the first man that taught him to hand, reef and steer.—Well, well, we must all die, that's certain—we must all come to port sooner or lat­er—at sea or on shore;—we must be fast moored one [Page 156] day—death's like the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us all up.’—I could not but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack's reflections; and inquired into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakhum and my uncle, which he explained in this man­ner.— ‘Captain Oakhum, to be sure, is a good man enough—besides, he's my commander;—but what's that to me?—I do my duty, and value no man's an­ger of a rope's end.—Now the report goes, as how he's a lord's, or baron knight's brother, whereby (dy'e see me) he carries a strait arm, and keeps aloof from his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in Tube­roon bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always kept a good look-out, he made (dy' [...] see) three lights in the offing, whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep;—whereupon he waked him; which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him a lousy Scotch for of a whore, (for I being then centinel in the steerage, heard all,) and swab and lubber, whereby the lieutenant re­turned the salute, and they jawed together fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he told the captain, that, if he was not his commander, he would heave him over-board, and demanded satisfaction a-shore; whereby, in the morn­ing watch, the captain went a-shore in the pinnace, afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter a-shore, and so they, leaving their boats crews on their oars, went away together; and so (d'ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieu­tenant clapt on all the sail he could bear, and had got far enough a-head before we knew any thing of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him; for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have done him a mischief;—for he afterwards caused him to be run on [Page 157] the ship's books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.’

This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day was with the other pressed men put on board of the Thunder lying at the Nore.—When we came along-side, the mate who guarded us thither, ordered my hand-cuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier; this circumstance being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the gang-boards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for me: ‘Hey Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves [...]now among us already?’ Another observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed.—A third seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, instead of my side.—A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without iron braces? And in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I could get up the ship's side.—After we had been all entered upon the ship's books, I inquired of one of my ship­mates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the mid­dle▪deck, (for our ship carried eighty guns,) in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same midship­man, who had used me so barbarously in the tender: he seeing me free from my chains, asked with an insolent air, who had released me? To this question I foolishly an­swered with a countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts; ‘Whoever did it, I am persuad­ed did not consult you in the affair.’—I had no soon­er uttered the words, than he cried, ‘Damn you, you saucy son of a bitch, I'll teach you to talk so to your officer.’—So saying, he bestowed on me several stripes, with a supple Jack he had in his hand; and going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I [Page 158] was immediately put in irons by the master at arms, and a centinel placed over me.—Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomson, with whom I became acquainted at the navy­office as before-mentioned. If I knew him at first [...]ight, it was not easy for him to recognize me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had under­gone.—Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores with great ten­derness. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised me so much, that he could not recollect my face? Upon this address he observed me with great ear­nestness for some time, and at length protested he could not recollect one feature of my countenance.—To keep him no longer in suspence, I told him my name; which, when he had heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed his sorrow in seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and when he had heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me, I should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master at arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touch­ing the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to confront me.—I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack Rat­tlin and others, who had no great devotion for my op­pressor, I was discharged from confinement to make way for him, who was delivered to the master at arms to take his turn in the bilboes.—And this was not the only satis­faction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the sur­geon, exempted from all other duty, than that of assist­ing his mates in making and administering medicines to the sick.—This good office I owed to the friendship of [Page 159] Mr. Thomson, who had represented me in such a favour­able light to the surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead.—When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to the cock-pit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the surgeons mates: and when he had shewn me their birth, (as he called it,) I was filled with astonishment and horror.—We descend­ed by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which I understood was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the hold: I had no sooner approached this dismal gulf, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand.—This (I learned of Mr. Thomson) was the ship's steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the messes, and to mark what each received.—He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened to the after-powder-room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who lodged within the cable tiers on each side of us: in this gloomy mansion, he entertained me with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above the table; and calling for the boy of the mess, sent him for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.—By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceed­ingly depressed with the appearance of every thing about me, and could no longer refrain from asking the particu­lars of Mr. Thomson's fortune, since I had seen him in London.—He told me, that being disappointed in his ex­pectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—y at the navy-office, he found himself utterly [Page 160] un­able to subsist any longer in town, and had actually of­fered his service in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant's ship bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him, that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at the navy-office, for surgeon's second mate of a third rate: this unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely be­lieve to be true; more especially, as he had been found qualified at surgeons-hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so: whereupon, demand­ing his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths administered immediately.—That very afternoon, he went to Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-boat for Rochester; next morning got on board the Thunder, for which he was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the checque.—And well it was for him, that such expedition was used; for in less than twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thomson came on board, affirming that he was the per­son for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an impostor.—My friend was grievously alarm­ed at this accident, the more so, as his namesake had ve­ry much the advantage over him, both in assurance and dress.—However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several letters written from Scot­land to him in that name, and recollecting that his in­dentures were in a box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all present, that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him.—His competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing him justice, (for, to be sure, the warrant had been designed for him,) behaved with so much indecent heat, that the commanding officer, (who was the same gentleman I had seen,) and the sur­geon, were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station.— ‘I have been on board,’ said he, ‘ever since, and as this way of life is become familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my situation.—The surgeon is a good natured indolent [Page 161] man; the first mate, (who is now ashore on duty,) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as all Welchmen are, but in the main a friendly honest fellow.—The lieute­nants I have no concern with; and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight.’

CHAP. XXV.

WHILE he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit-ladder, pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, ‘The devil and his dam blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in my pelly;—let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as blue as a bell, (look you,) or as green as a leek, 'tis all one.’—To this de­claration somebody answered, ‘So it seems my poor mess­mate must part his cable for want of a little assistance.—His fore-top-sail is loose already: and besides, the doctor ordered you to overhaul him;—but I see you don't care what your master says.’—Here he was in­terrupted with ‘Splutter and oons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my abili­ties; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his or any shentleman's (no disparagement to him) in the whole world—Got pless my soul! does he think or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and up­wards and downwards, and by sea, and by land, at his will and pleasures?—Go your ways you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins, that I desire and request, that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order some­thing for him if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satis­fied, look you.’—At this the other went away, say­ing, that if they would serve him so, when he was dying, [Page 162] by God, he would be soul of them in the other world.—Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some of the sick in the morning.—At the same time I saw him come into the birth.—He was a short thick man with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, sur­rounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles.—My friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which when he had open­ed, he exclaimed in a great passion, ‘Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a Christian!’ Thomson then gave him to understand, that as I had been brought on board half-famished be could do no less than entertain me with what was in the [...]ocker; and the rather as he had bid the steward enter me the mess.—Whether this dis­appointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought himself too little regarded by his fel­low-mate, I know not, but after some pause he went on in this manner.— ‘Mr. Thomson, perhaps you do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect (look you) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair.—I have, in my time, (look you,) been a man of some weight and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot and the king's taxes; ay, and maintained a family to boot.—And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your elder, and your petter, Mr. Thomsson.’— ‘My elder I'll al­low you to be, but not my better,’ cried Thomson with some heat. "Cot is my saviour, and witness too," said Morgan, with great vehemence, ‘that I am more elder and therefore more petter by many years than you.’—Fearing this dispute might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Mor­gan, I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least breach in their good under­standing, I would eat my allowance by myself, or seek [Page 163] admission into some other company.—But Thomson, with more spirit than discretion, (as I thought,) insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man possessed of generosity and compassion, would have any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.—This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who pro­tested with great earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but only complained, that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed. ‘As for a shentleman in distress,’ said he, shaking me by the hand, ‘I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: for Got help me! I have had vexation enough upon my own pack.’—And I afterwards learned, in so saying, he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese wrapped up in a handkerchief, and, taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to a share of the repast. When he had fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa­nut shell, with brandy, and, drinking it off, told us▪ "Prandy was the pest menstruum for onion and sheese." His hunger being appeased, he began to be in better hu­mour, and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I was descended of a good family than he discovered a particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous Caractacus king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present of two ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check which I received from Mr. Thomson, enabled me to appear with decency. Mean while the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a prescrip­tion for his mess-mate, which, when the Welchman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked if the man was ‘dead or alive.’ "Dead!" replied Jack; ‘if he was dead, he would have no need of doctor's stuff—No, thank God, death han't as yet boarded him, but they have [Page 164] been yard-arm and yard-arm these three glasses.’—"Are his eyes open," continued the mate.— ‘His star­board eye,’ said the sailor, ‘is open, but fast jammed in his head, and the haulyards of his under-jaw have given way.’—"Passion of my heart!" cried Morgan; ‘the man is as pad as one would desire to be!—Did you [...]eel his pulse?’—To this the other replied with "Anan?"—Upon which this Cambro-Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his mess-mate, and keep him alive till he should come with the medicine; "and then," said he, ‘you shall peradventure behold what you shall see.’ The poor fellow with great simplicity ran to the place where the sick man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, ‘Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?’—"Stop him," said the other; ‘I hail'd him several times, but he was too far on his way, while the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me.’—"Well, well," said he, ‘we all owe Heaven a teath.—Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning; look you, and repent of your misteets.’—So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the birth.

While he entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and imme­diately the boy belonging to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few minutes returned with it [...]ull of boiling pease, cry­ing, "Scaldings," all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old [...]ail, was instantly laid, co­vered with three plates, which by the colour I could with difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were curtailed in the han­dles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, ne­vertheless, my mess-mates eat heartily, advising me to fol­low their example, as it was banyan-day, and we could [...] no meat till next noon. But I [...]ad already laid in [Page 165] sufficient for the occasion, and therefore desired to be ex­cused, expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of ban­yan-day—They told me, that on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days were called banyan-days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have since learn­ed, they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some parts of the East-Indies, who never taste flesh.

After dinner Thomson led me round the ship, shewed me the different parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. He then de­manded of the boatswain an hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin, and, as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the purser for a mattrass and two blankets. At seven o'clock in the evening Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted Thomson in making up his prescriptions; but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick-birth or hospital, and, ob­served the situation of the patients, I was much less sur­prised that people should die on board, than that any sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and de­prived of the light of the day as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the mor­bid steams exhaling from their own excrements and disea­sed bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience ne­cessary for people in that helpless condition.

CHAP. XXVI.

I COULD not comprehend how it was possible for the at­tendants to come near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation—much less could I conceive how my friend Thomson would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some in that situation—when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; and, he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and, crawling along, the ship happened to roll; this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found by the smell that issued upon me, I had not unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume; it was well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate, else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over the ship to the utter discomposure of every body who tarried on the same deck—neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling only; for I felt my misfortunes more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up, and pushing my head with great force, between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up as it were in a pillory, and the [Page 167] weight of three of four people bearing on each side of my neck; so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned, and the rude shock he had recei­ved from me in my elevation, that, with many bitter re­proaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully that I roared with anguish. Thomson, per­ceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who with much difficulty disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from taking vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would not have screened him from the effects of my indignation.

After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a homely proverb, which I do not chuse to repeat. When we had descended half way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose of the approach of something ex­traordinary, cried, ‘Cot have mercy upon my senses! I believe the enemy has poarded us in a stink-pot!’—Then directing his discourse to the steward, from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he should presume to offend his neighbours with such smells for the future: the steward, conscious of his own innocence, replied with some warmth, ‘I know of no smells but those of your own making.’ This re­partee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welch­man undertook to prove, that, though the stench he com­plained of did not flow from the steward's own body, he was nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship's company, and, in particular, pu­trified cheese, from the use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then he launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the ana­lysis, explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practised to make and preserve it, and concluded with observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats and [Page 168] putter. I gathered from this conversation, that, if I en­tered in my present pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thomson to go before, and re­present my calamity; at which the first mate, expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable tire, and by the main hatchway, to avoid encountering me, desiring to clean myself as soon as possible; for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for I percei­ved some guests had honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not at all think seasonable; neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry; for they were in possession of my chief quarters, where they fed with­out reserve at the expence of my blood. But, considering it would be much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement than after they should be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, (who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close shaved,) and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing since I left the service of Lavement, and the second mate lent me an old bob-wig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being end­ed, and every thing adjusted in the best manner my cir­cumstances would permit, the descendant of Caractaous returned, and, ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it into a con­sistence with oil and vinegar—then, tasting the dish, as­sured us it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended it to our palate with such heartiness, that I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small beer to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a couple of pipes, and sup­plied the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me, that it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered for want of rest the preceding night; [Page 169] which being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or, in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another on the outside of the birth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my mess-mates spring with great agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much at their ease.—But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of which I imagined I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones, I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and, taking a leap to get in, threw my­self quite over with such violence, that, had I not luckily got hold of Thomson's hammock, I should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull. After some fruitless efforts I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the jeopardy, in which I believed myself, withstood all the attacks of sleep till to­wards the morning-watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was overpowered with slumber; though I did not long enjoy this comfortable situation, being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst by it: this was followed by a dreadful sum­mons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating with myself whether or not I should wake my companion, and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter masters, who passed by me with a lanthorn in his hand, that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain's mate who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account with such interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I addressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight o'clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after which visitation, my good friend Thomson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning the boy of the mess went round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhimes composed for the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair [Page 170] be­fore the mast, where one of the doctor's mates attended with applications to dress them.

CHAP. XXVII.

WHILE I was busied with my friend in this practice, the doctor chanced to pass by the place where we were, and, stopping to observe me, appeared very well satisfied with my method of application, and afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so far in my behalf as to promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me, see­ing I had been already found qualified at surgeons-hall for the station I filled on board; and in this good office he the more cordially engaged, when he understood I was a nephew to Lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the mean time I could learn from his discourse, that he did not intend to go to sea again with Captain Oakhum, having, as he thought, been in­differently used by him during the last voyage.

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of prefer­ment, I was not altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, (among whom I was known by the name of Loblolly boy,) but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often very trou­blesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I had received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, [...]idding me follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant [Page 171] to me, by which I was appointed surgeon's third mate on board the Thunder. This he had procured by his interest at the navy-office, as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second rate. I acknow­ledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have re­commended myself still farther by my respectful and dili­gent behaviour. But his generosity rested not here; for, before he left the ship, he made me a present of a che [...]t and some clothes, that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me. I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station against all opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution; my old enemy, the midshipman, (whose name was Crampley) entertaining an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad usage—and even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present, while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment by ob­serving, that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone; I was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very serious, when by accident Mr. Mor­gan and one of the master's mates, coming that way, in­terposed, and, inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to leave our difference undecided till we should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore like gentlemen, or else chuse a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was greedily embraced by both; and, being forthwith [Page 172] con­ducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a very furious contest, in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility as in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley in the Hole and Tottenham▪court. Many cross-buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at last, my breath being qu [...]te gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate; and, col­lecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at once head, hands and feet, with such violence, that I drove my an­tagonist three paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell; and, pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion. Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, ‘Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness, that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war.’ So saying, he descended to the deck below to examine into the situation of my adversary, and left me very little plea­sed with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley: but this fear vanished, when my fellow-mate, having, by bleeding him in the jugular, brought him [...]o himself, and inquired into the state of his body, called up to me, to be under no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri, as one would desire to see on a summer's day. Upon this information I crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thomson with the affair, who providing himself with bandages, &c. necessary for the oc­casion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the combat, and the Welchman, after observing, that in all likelihood the an­cient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me ‘praise Got for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.’ I acquired such reputation by this rencounter, (which lasted twenty minutes,) that every body became more cautious in behaviour towards me, though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity of [Page 173] retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.

About this time Captain Oakhum, having received sail­ing orders, came on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which when this grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance, ‘Blood and oons! six­ty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you Sir, I'll have no sick people on board of my ship, by G [...]d.’ The Welchman replied, he should be very glad to find no sick people on board; but, while it was otherwise▪ he did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list: "You and your list may be d—n'd," said the captain, throwing it at him; ‘I say there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command of her.’ Mr. Morgan, being nettled at this treatment, told him, his indignation ought to be directed to Got Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus, being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself in— ‘Captain Oakhum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage, (look you,) and peradventure I am moreover—’ Here his harangue was broke off by the captain's steward, who, being Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the ca­bin before he had time to exasperate his master to a great­er degree; and this would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welchman could hardly be hindered, by his friend's arguments and entreaties, from re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakhum to his teeth. He was, however, appeased at length, and came down to the birth, where, finding Thomson and me at [Page 174] work preparing medicines, he bade us leave off our labour, and go to play; for the captain, by his sole word and power, and command, had driven sickness a-pegging to the tevil, and there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured forth an ejaculation of ‘Got bless my heart, liver, and lungs!’ and then began to sing a Welch song with great earnestness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomson, who at the same time shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains were unsettled. He, perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mystery, but at the same time bade us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower, almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man or mother's son in the whole world, who durst use him so ill as Captain Oak­hum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as I have already related it, and had no sooner finished this narration than he received a message from the surgeon to bring the sick list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed. This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives; but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the other world a great many evidences to testi­fy against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right­hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king's provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers; the surgeon grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed. The first who came under his cog­nisance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much, that he could hardly stand. Mr. Macshane (for that was the doctor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world, [Page 175] and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, with orders that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the discipline could be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh perished under the hands of the execu [...]ioner. The next patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in the interval of health, discovered no other symp­toms of his distemper [...] a pale meagre countenance, and emaciated body; upon which he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but, being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuretic stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor Machshane prescribed exercise at the pump, to promote expectora­tion; but whether this was improper for one in his situa­tion, or that it was used to excess, I know not, but in less than half an hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs. A fourth with much difficulty climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites or dropsy that invaded his chest so much, that he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and inlarge his chest, to go aloft immediate­ly: it was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to alledge his utter incapacity; the boatswain's driver was commanded to whip him up with the cat and nine tails: the smart of this application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock-shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support it than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a boat along-side, saved his life, by keeping him afloat, till he was hoisted on board by a tackle. It would be te­dious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every mi­serable object that suffered by the inhumanity and igno­rance of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacri­ficed the lives of their fellow creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they suffered by the way. Some gave up the [Page 176] ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others who were ordered to their duty, languished a few days at work, among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the number of sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of this re­duction were applauding themselves for the service they had done to their king and country, when the boatswain's mate informed his honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock by the direction of the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, that he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard.—The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welchman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately: upon which Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare; and begged for the love of Got, they would at least keep his arms pinioned during his ex­amination, to prevent him from doing mischief.—This re­quest the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient was produced, who insisted on his being in his right wits, with such calmness and strength of argument, that every body present was inclined to believe him, ex­cept Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to ap­pearances, for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was confirmed by the evi­dence of one of the waiters, who declared, he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by dis­covering to the people on board that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin shop in Rag-fair.—This anecdote produced a laugh at the expence of the Welchman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said— ‘Ay, ay, 'tis no matter—Got knows it is an arrant falsehood.’—Captain Oakhum, without any further hesitation, ordered the fel­low to be unfettered; at the same time threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite; [Page 177] but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the devil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac, (as soon as he was released,) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, ‘I'll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,’ and pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty, that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among those who opposed him.

CHAP. XXVIII.

THE captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing, that in all appearance the fellow was not mad, but desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to assassinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom, (by which means important discoveries might be made,) and then sentence the criminal to a death adequate to his de­merits.—This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the [Page 178] desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridian of his intellects; more especially, as Doc­tor Macshane espoused this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad.—Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help discovering by his countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and while he bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, Whether he thought there were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a more [...]it season.—Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the centinel attended him at the head, to leap over-board, and frustrate the revenge of the captain.—We staid not long at the Downs, but took the benefit of the first east­erly wind to go round to Spithead; where having re­ceived on board provisions [...]or six months, we sailed from St. Helen's, in the grand fleet bound for the West-Indies, on the ever-memorable expedition of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being transported to such a distant and un­healthy climate, destitute of every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and under the domi­nion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable. However, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow.—We got out of the chan­nel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard; but this state of inaction did no last long; for next night our main-top-sail was split by the wind, which in the morning increased to a hurricane.—I was wakened by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the gun­carriages upon the decks above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the con­fused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain-pumps—Morgan, who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, [Page 179] ‘Cot have mercy and compassion upon us? I believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the d—ned!’—while poor Thomson lay quaking in his hammock, put­ting up petitions to heaven for our safety.—I rose and joined the Welchman with whom, (after having forti­fied ourselves with brandy,) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before, how must my sight have been appalled in beholding the effects of the storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of which our ship sometimes hung, as if it was to be precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sunk be­tween two waves that rose on each side higher than our top-mast head, and threatened, by dashing together, to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the tem­pest. At length the mast of one of them gave way, and tumbled over-board with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors ran backward and forward with di­straction in their looks, hallooing to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand pieces, flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into innumerable splinters!—While I considered this scene with equal terror and asto­nishment, one of the main-braces broke, by the shock, whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin was thrown down upon the deck, at the expence of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust, by the violence of the fall, through the skin: as this was a case of too great consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor, I went down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dressings, which we always kept ready prepared.—I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees, before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I will [Page 180] not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr. Macshane as a mem­ber of the church of Rome.—Be this as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his be­ing disturbed in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion from my [...]ight.—After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situ­ation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, and in the mean time, said he, I will direct Thomson to get ready the dressings. When I signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he swore a terrible oath that he could not spare one man from the deck, be­cause he expected the mast would go by the board every minute.—This piece of information did not at all contri­bute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance of Morgan, I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Macshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thom­son with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of capital instruments.—He examined the fracture and the wound, and, concluding from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that a mortifica­tion would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immedi­ately.—This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woeful countenance, ‘What! is there no remedy, doctor? must I be dock'd! can't you splice it?’—"Assuredly, Doctor Macshane," said the first mate, ‘with submission, and deference, and veneration to your superior abilities, and opportunities and stations, (look you,) I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor man's leg.’ ‘God Almighty bless you, dear Welch­man!’ cried Rattlin, ‘may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you're bound, and come to an an­chor in the road of heaven at last.’—Macshane, very much incensed at his mate's differing in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to him, and, in a peremptory tone, [Page 181] ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At the sight of which, Jack starting up, cried, ‘Avast, avast! d—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore!—Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand to­wards saving my precious limb? Odd's heart, if Lieu­tenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.’—This pathetic address to me, joined to my in­clination to serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate's opinion, and affirm, that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, and common in all suc [...] cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, asked Thomson's sentiments of the matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too: but [...]e being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judg­ment, in a modest manner, espoused the opinion of Mac­shane, who by this time, having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner, as to screen himself from censure; and at the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him.—With this view he asked if we would undertake to cure the leg on our peril; that is, be answerable for the consequence.—To this question Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of Got alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administer­ed his assistance; but if the patient would put himself un­der our direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable issue, to which, at present, we saw no obstruction.—I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed, that, shaking us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him; and if he died, his blood should be upon his own head.—Mr. Macshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our mis­carriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper; accordingly having sawed off part of the [Page 182] splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the frac­ture, dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed ban­dage, and put the leg in a box, secundum artem.—Every thing succeeded according to our wish, and we had the satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow's leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship's company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which was completed in six weeks.

CHAP. XXIX.

IN the mean time, the storm subsided into a brisk g [...]le, that carried us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance against the Welchman and me. He went among the sick under pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but finding himself frustrated in that expecta­tion by the good will we had procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded our birth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned some­thing stir on the outside of our hangings, which immedi­ately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the wink and pointed to the place, where I could perceive some­body [Page 183] standing; upon which I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, ‘Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.’—It had the de­sired effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin—I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most un­lucky exploits of my life, Macshane from that time mark­ing me out for destruction.—About a week after this ex­ploit, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop, by the master at arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the captain's life.—How ridiculous so­ever this imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shewn to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the pro­bability of my charge.—I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for Thomson, who, after con­doling me on the occasion, hinted, that I owed this mis­fortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given an in­formation against me to the captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized.—While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned in the same ma­chine.—Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce re­frain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow-pri­soner, who, without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the rings provided for that purpose; but when they pretended to fasten him on his back, he grew outrageous, and, drawing a large couteau from his side­pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner.—They were preparing to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called out to them to let him remain as he was.—He then crept towards me, and taking me by the hand, [...]ade me "put my trust in Got."—And looking at Thomson, [Page 184] who sat by us trembling, with a pale visage, told him, there were two more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company.—But it was not the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate; him he excepted to be his drudge in attend­ing the sick, and, if possible, his evidence against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail to leeward, and made signal for our ship and four more to give chace: hereupon every thing was cleared for an engagement, and Macshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more as­sistants than one, obtained Morgan's liberty; while I was left in this deplorable posture to the chance of battle.—It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chace, which we hailed, and inquired who they were; they gave us to understand they were French men of war, upon which Captain Oakhum commanded them to send their boat on board of him; but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board their ship: he then threatened to pour in a board side upon them, which they promised to return.—Both sides were as good as their word, and the engagement began with great fury.—The reader may guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a sea­ [...]ight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were sta­tioned about me; but when I beheld them employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could ea­sily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine: however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of marines, who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh blinded wit brains.—I could contain myself no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs: when a drummer coming [Page 185] towards me, asked if I was wounded, and before I could answer, received a great shot in his belly which tore out his entrails, and he fell flat on my breast.—This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the battle; and find­ing myself disregarded, lost all patience, and became fran­tic: I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my spirits being quite exhausted, I remained quiet and insen­sible of the load that oppressed me. The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakhum, finding he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the af­fair, pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and hailing the ship with whom he had fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards, and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on board of the French commodore.—Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died.—My fellow-mates had no soon­er dispatched their business in the cock-pit, than full of friendly concern they came to visit me.—Morgan ascend­ing first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and, calling to Thomson with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last farewel of his comrade and countryman, who was posting to a petter place, where there were no Macshanes nor Oakhums to asperse and torment him.—"No," said he, taking me by the hand, ‘you are going to a country where there [...] more respect shewn to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adver­saries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.’—Thomson, alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by me, with tears in his eyes, inquired into the nature of my calamity.—By this time I had recollected myself as far as to be able to converse rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded.—Af­ter I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of [Page 186] the authors of our misery; but our discourse being over­heard by the centinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved, than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had receiv­ed: the effect of this information soon appeared in the ar­rival of the master at arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station; and gave the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not chuse to accompany us in our confinement.—Thomson foresee­ing that the whole slavery of attending the sick and wound­ed, as well as the cruelty of Macshane, must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful cur­ses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under the power of such barbarians.—I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much ag­gravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of [...]ortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which (I hoped) was not far off, considering, that we should probably be in a harbour in less than three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admi­ral.—The Welchman joined in my remonstrances, and was at great pains to demonstrate, that it was every man's du­ty, as well as interest, to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a centinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post, before he is relieved. Thomson listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his head, and left us without making any reply.—About eleven at night he came to see us again, with a settled gloom on his coun­tenance, and gave us to understand that he had under­gone excessive toil since he saw us, and, in recompence, had been grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with an uncommon servour, cried, ‘God bless you both;’ and left us to wonder at his singular [Page 187] manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make an impression on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, this unhappy young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to [...]ave gone over-board in the night; and this was certainl [...] the case.

CHAP. XXX.

THE news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me extremely, as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired, by his amiable disposition, the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his un­timely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thomson's death, although he must have been con­scious to himself of having driven him by ill usage to that fatal resolution; but desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter him; and he pro­tested he would not be released until he should know for what he was confined, nor would he be a tennis-ball, nor a shuttle-cock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakhum, finding him obstinate, and fear­ing it would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to shew some ap­pearance of justice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his counsellor Mac­shane on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation— ‘So, gentlemen, damn my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you both to be tuck'd up to the yard's arm, without either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, damn my blood, I have too much good nature in [Page 188] allowing such dogs as you to make your defence.’—"Captain Oakhum," said my fellow-sufferer, ‘certainly it is in your power(G [...]t help the while) to tuck us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasure—And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up than undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed. So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those that take away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness and par­parity, (look you)—In the mean time I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the per­son who accuses me.’—"That you shall," said the captain: "here, doctor, what have you to say?"—Mac­shane, stepping forward, hemmed a good while in order to clear his throat; and, before he began, Morgan accost­ed him thus: ‘Doctor Macshane, look in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false wit­ness as he abhors the tevil, and Got be judge between you and me.’—The doctor, not minding this conjura­tion, made the following speech as near as I can remem­ber: ‘I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man; and, if so be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion, that you deserve to be acquitted in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, Captain Oak­hum is resolved for to do every body justice.—As for my own part, all that I have to alledge is, that I have been informed you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who to be sure is the most ho­nourable and generous commander in the king's service, without asparagement or acceptation of man, woman, or child.’ Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan replied, ‘I do partly guess and conceive, and understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but, however, I do suppose I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay, or, if I am convicted of speaking disre­spectfully of Captain Oakhum, I hope there is no trea­son in my words.’— ‘But there's mutiny, by God, and that's death by the articles of war,’ cried Oakhum.— [Page 189] "In the mean time, let the witnesses be called." Here­upon Macshane's servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose. The first declared, that Morgan, as he descended the cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind.—"This," said the clerk, ‘is a strong presumption of a design formed against the cap­tain's life.—For why? it presupposes malice afore­thought, and a criminal intention a priori.’—"Right," said the captain to this miserable grub who had been an attorney's boy; ‘you shall have law enough; here's Cook and Littlejohn for it.’ This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed he heard the first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more brains than an ass. Then the centinel who heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and in­formed the court, that the Welchman assured me Captain Oakhum and Doctor Macshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakhum; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would be damned, unless he had an intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent? This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, ‘What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back, brother, hah!’ Mor­gan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, al­though he absolutely denied the truth of the comment: upon which the captain, strutting up to him with a fero­cious countenance, said, ‘So, Mr. son of a bitch, you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and pronounced my damnation! Damn my heart! I have a good mind to have you brought to a court­martial and hanged, you dog.’ Here Macshane, having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the delinquent should make such sub­mission as the nature of his misdemeanour demanded: up­on which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion would [Page 190] have made no submission to the Great Mogul surrounded by all his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Got a peast; "but," said he, ‘I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, letchery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox, so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tyger; therefore I made use of these similies to express my sentiments, (look you;) and what I said before Got I will not un­say before man or peast neither.’ Oakhum was so pro­voked at this insolence, (as he termed it,) that he order­ed him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confine­ment, and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland. "The north of Ireland more like," cried the captain; "but we shall bring you up presently." He then asked what religion I professed? and when I answered, ‘The Protestant, swore I was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass.’ "Come, come, clerk," continued he, "catechise him a little upon this subject." But, before I relate the particulars of the clerk's inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader, tha [...] our commander him­self was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied a Ro­man Catholic to boot. "You say you are a Protestant," said the clerk; ‘make the sign of the cross with your finger so, and swear upon it to that affirmation.’ When I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion, ‘No, no, damme! I'll have no profanation neither—But go on with your interro­gations.’—"Well then," proceeded my examiner, how many sacraments are there?" To which I replied, "Two."—"What are they?" said he. I answered, "Baptism and the Lord's supper."—And so you would "explode confirmation and marriage altogether?" said Oakhum. "I thought this fellow was a rank Roman." The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endea­voured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; [Page 191] but I treated the notion of a real presence with such dis­respect, that his patron was scandalized at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot: whereupon this miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thomson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain Oakhum: which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thomson and me whispering together, and could distin­guish the words, "Oakhum, rascal, poison, pistol:" by which expressions it appeared, we did intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction—That the death of Thomson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence—But what established the truth of the whole, was a book in cyphers found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest after his disappearance: this, he observed, was a presumption very near proof positive, and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own defence I alledged, that I had been dragged on board at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now in the ship, conse­quently could have no design of becoming a spy at that time, and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence that could justly entail that suspicion upon me—As for the conspiring against my captain's life, it could not be supposed, that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without certain infa­my and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination in the world—That allowing the boy's evidence to be true, (which I affirmed was false and malicious,) nothing conclusive could be gathered from a few incoherent words: neither was the fate of Mr. Thomson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery in a very different manner from that which was supposed: with these words I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin [Page 192] brought to me the very day after Thomson disappeared, and told me it was committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were these:

This letter was no sooner read than Macshane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery contrived and executed by myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I insisted on having the remains of it compared with other writings of Thomson which they had in their possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusa­tion, namely, the book of cyphers [...]ound among my pa­pers. "That is easily done," said I. ‘What you are pleased to call cyphers are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement, I kept a diary of every thing remarkable, that has occurred to my ob­servation since the beginning of the voyage till the day on which I was put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr. Thomson, who copied mine.’— ‘A very likely story!’ cried Macshane; ‘what occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote?—But what [Page 193] d'ye talk of Greek characters?—D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek language as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are no more Greek than Chi­nese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country.’ So saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous sneer, exclaim­ed, "Ah, ha! have you caught a Tartar?" I could not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hiber­nian, and offered to refer the dispute to any body on board who understood the Greek alphabet: upon which Morgan was brought back, and, being made acquainted with the affair, took the book, and read a whole page in English without hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of countenance at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. Oakhum said, "Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story," and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cock-loft, although I proposed that he and I should read and translate separately any chapter or verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince the captain, that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by some uncon­cerned person on board who understood Greek: according­ly the whole ship's company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, that, if any of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend the quarter deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men came up and professed their skill in that language, which (they said) they acquired during several voyages to the Levant among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknow­ledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board, and, ad­dressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language which I did not understand, [Page 194] I asserted, that the modern Greek was as different from that spoke and written by the ancients as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist; and as I had only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not be supposed, that I [...]ould know any thing of an imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of the old expression—but, if Dr. Macshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment he should think proper to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was an­swered in the same brogue; when a dialogue ensued be­tween them, which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue, in the language of the Morea, from his compani [...] before they would venture to assert such an intrepid false­hood. "I thought," said Oakhum, ‘we should disco­ver the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement. I find he must dangle.’ Having nothing farther to urge in my own behalf before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to be re-conducted peace­ably to my fellow prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan; and not daring to disburden his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the centinel, burst forth into a Welch song, which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of face, and violent gestures of body.

CHAP. XXXI.

MEAN while, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of Macshane's dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have an op­portunity of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and at the same time of making his malice and ignorance con­spicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so effectu­ally, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and or­dered to return to our duty. This was a happy event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I could scarce persuade the Welchman to accept of this indulgence, he persisting in his obstinacy to remain in irons, until he should be discharged by a court-martial, which he believed would also do him justice on his enemies; at length I re­presented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon Macshane after our return to England. This last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered than the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had acted so per [...]idiously, notwithstanding his tears, entreaties, and professions of penitence for what he had done, but not before he had confessed that the surgeon had bribed him, to give evidence against us, with a pair [Page 196] of stockings and a couple of old cheek shirts, of which his servant had since plundered him.

The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we detained the messenger until we had ex­amined the contents; and my fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on Macshane's man in oaths and exe [...]tions, threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when he received them from his master, with orders to deliver them to us. "As Got is my judge," cried Morgan, ‘and my salfation, and my witness, who­ever has pilfered my provisions is a lousy, peggarly, ras­cally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire! I will im­peach, and accuse, and indict him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.’ Had this misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the loss, in all probabi­lity this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely; but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion. A little while after this transport, the surgeon came into the birth under pretence of taking something out of the medicine-chest, and with a smiling aspect wished us joy of our deliverance, which (he said) he had been at great pains to obtain of the cap­tain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but he (the doctor) had passed his word for our future con­duct, and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his kindness—He expected, no doubt, an acknowledg­ment from us for his pretended service, as well as a ge­neral amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that, if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his ma­lice: I therefore sat silent while my companion answered, ‘Ay, ay, 'tis no matter—Got knows the heart— There is a time for all things, as the wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and a time to gather them up again.’ He seemed to be disco [...]certed at this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering something [Page 197] about "Ingratitude" and "Fellows," of which we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fle [...]t, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a month in the harbour of Port-Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of consequence was certainly transacted, notwithstanding the insinuations of some who affirmed we had no business at all in that place; that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper for our enterprise, the West-India squadron, which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and re­freshments, from whence we could have failed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or indeed have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind as sar as the isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but, before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Cartha­gena with an account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength and destination. We loitered here some days longer taking in wood and brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the health of the men by restricting each to a quart a-day. At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Car­thagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here again, certain malicious people take occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors by saying, that, in so doing, they not only unprofitably wasted time which was very precious, considering the ap­proach of the rainy season, but also allowed the Spaniards to recollect themselves from the terror occasioned by the approach of an English fleet, at least three times as nu­merous as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But, if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage, that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the [...] each in despite of the enemy's shot, [Page 198] which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of conduct in chusing a camp under the walls of an enemy's fortification, which I believe never happened be­fore, was practised, I presume, with a view of accustom­ing the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a few months before. This expedient again has furnished matter for censure against the ministry for sending a few raw recruits on such an important en­terprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at home: but surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service; or the colonels and field-officers of the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions for some domestic services tendered to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking, for which refu­sal, no doubt, they are to be much commended.

CHAP. XXXII.

OUR forces being landed and stationed, as I have al­ready mentioned, set about erecting a fascine batte­ry to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy, and, in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as pos­sible, it was determined in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the other.

Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted, we being advertised the night before, to make every thing clear for that purpose: and in so do­ing, a difference happened between Captain Oakhum and [Page 199] his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Macshane, which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture.—The doc­tor, who had imagined there was no more danger of be­ing hurt by the enemy's shot in the cock-pit than in the centre of the earth, was lately informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that part of a ship, by a cannon ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded, in the after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above.—The cap­tain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told him there was no room in the hold for such an occasion; or if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for that purpose: fear rendered Macshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and shewed his instructions, by which it was authorised: the captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at sea; neverthe­less he was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it: but before any such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doc­tor compelled to trust his carcase in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.

Our ship, with others destined for this service, imme­diately weighed, and in less than half an hour came to an anchor before the castle of Boca Chica, with a spring upon our cable—and the cannonading (which indeed was terrible!) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and pur­ser, who were stationed with us, in quality of assistants, followed his example, while the Welchman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great composure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration.—And that the reader may know, it was not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of the Spa­niards proceeded from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar and small arms in Boca Chica, thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph, twenty in two fascine batteries, and four men [Page 200] of war, mounting sixty-four guns each.—This was an­swered by our land-battery mounted with twenty-one can­non, two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of eighty or seventy guns that fired without inter­mission—We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth without speaking a word; Morgan immedi­ately examined the condition of the wounded man, and cried, ‘As I shall answer now, the man is as tead as my great-grandfather.’—"Dead," said his comrade, ‘he may be dead now, for ought I know, but I'll be damn'd if he was not alive when I took him up.’—So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with him, and throw it over-board.—"D—n the body," said he, ‘I think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own.’—My fellow­mate snatching up the amputation-kni [...]e, pursued him half way up the cockpit-ladder, crying, ‘You lousy rascal, is this the church-yard, or the charnal-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ship!’—but was stopt in his career by one calling, ‘Yo ho, avast there—Scaldings!’—"Scaldings!" answered Morgan, ‘Got knows 'tis hot enough indeed:—who are you?’—"Here's one," replied the voice—And I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me with great deliberation, he was coming to be docked at last, and discovered the re­mains of one hand which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot.—I lamented with unfeigned sorrow his mis­fortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, that every shot had its commission: it was well it did not take him in the head; or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely fighting for his king and country: Death was a debt which every man owed, and must pay; and that now as well as another time.—I was much plea­sed and edified with the maxims of this sea philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking; the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after Macshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift up his [...] from the deck, had declared there was [Page 201] a necessity for his losing the limb.—While I was employ­ed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion of the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he be­lieved we should do no good; ‘For why, because instead of dropping anchor close under shore, where we should have had to deal with one corner of Boca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that besides, we lay at too great a dis­tance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce any body on board, who understood the pointing of a gun.—Ah! God help us!’—continued he, ‘if your kins­man Lieutenant Bowling had been here, we should have had other guess-work.’—By this time our patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately, and perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his warrant.—This remonstrance effectually roused Macshane, who was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his interest con­cerned; he therefore rose up, and, in order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to case-bot­tle of rum, which he freely communicated to the chap­lain and purser, who had as much need of such extraor­dinary inspiration as himself. Being thus supported he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down with­out mercy.—The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's brain, conspired with his former agitation of spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stript himself to the skin, and besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be with-held from running upon deck in that con­dition. Jack Rattlin, scandalized at this deportment, en­deavoured to allay his transports with reason: but finding all he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation.—But it was not in the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in Ro­chester, [Page 202] to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.—While we diverted ourselves at the expence of this poor devil, a shot happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course being through the purser's store-room) made a terrible havock and noise among the jars and bot­tles in its way, and disconcerted Macshane so much, that he dropt his scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pro­nounced his Pater noster aloud; the purser fell backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies.—Much about this time, my old antagoni [...]t Crampley came down, with express orders, (as he said,) to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to dress a flight wound the captain had received by a splinter. His reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be of less con­sequence to the ship's company, than that of the doctor or his first mate.—At another time perhaps I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger.—With this view I provided myself with dress­ings, and followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar! Captain Oakhum, who, leaning against the mi­zen-mast, no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my arm pits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him Crampley had singled me out, as if by express com­mand: at which reply he seemed surprised, and threaten­ed to punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement: in the mean time I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Macshane, that the captain expected him immediately.—I got safe back, and deliver­ed my commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his instruction: where­upon Morgan, who (I believe) was jealous of my reputa­tion [Page 203] for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity.—The captain finding the surgeon ob­stinate, suffered himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine Macshane as soon as the service should be over.

CHAP. XXXIII.

HAVING cannonaded the fort, during the space of four hours, we were all ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off, but next day the engagement was renew­ed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Boca-Chica slackened, and towards the evening was quite silenced.—A breach being made on the other side, by our land-battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it; our general proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a de­tachment on that duty: Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men to the day of judgment against all the force we could exert in the attack.—And while our sol­diers took possession of the enemy's ramparts, without re­sistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves, masters of fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man of war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not fall into our hands.—The taking of these forts, in [...]he strength of which the Spaniards [...], [Page 204] made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy among us, as we laid our accounts with finding little or no opposition from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our un­expected success had produced among them, it is not im­possible that we might have finished the affair to our sa­tisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes disdained, as a barbarous insult over the enemy's distress; and gave them all the respite they could desire, [...] order to recollect themselves.—In the mean time Mac­sh [...]e, taking the advantage of this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so ef­fectua [...]ly, that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me, during the action.—But of all the consequences of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser's quart per diem, for each man, in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was verti­cal, and the expence of bodily fluid so great, that a gal­lon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours; especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork of New-England, which though neither fish nor flesh, favoured of both; bread from the same coun­try, every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock-work, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the my­riads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil thickened with salt. Instead of small beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of water, with­out either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which reason this composition was by the sailors not unaptly stiled necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of a half a gallon per day to each man: but this fast must (I suppose) have been enjoined by way of pe­nance on the ship's company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they [Page 205] might thereby become more resolute and regardless of dan­ger. How simply then do those people argue, who ascribe the great mortality among us to our bad provision and want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from Jamaica, and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet! seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained.—After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country ma­stiffs, which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.

But to return to my narration: after having put gar­risons into the forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery, a piece of service that detained us more than a week; we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by several old galleons and two men of war that the enemy had sunk in the channel.—We made shift, however, to open a passage for some ships, that fa­voured a second landing of troops at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint re­sistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their dis­embarkation, they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and command­ed the city: whether our renowned general had no body in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted entirely to the same of his arms, I will not de­termine; but, certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with musquetry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly: the enemy giving them such an hearty reception, that the greatest part of the detachment took up their everlasting abode on the spot.—Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Boca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service.—The [Page 206] sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital ships, though me­thinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could boast of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was [...]o confined, that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their wounds and stumps being neglected, con­tracted [...] and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of sur­geons; though it is well known that every great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this duty; an expedient which would have been more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience: but perhaps the ge­neral was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow-chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I may venture to affirm, that by this time the daemon of discord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; and it might be said of these great men, (I hope they will par­don the comparison,) as for Caesar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was impatient of an equal; so that between the pride of one, and inso­lence of another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb, ‘Between two stools the backside falls to the ground.’—Not that I would be thought to liken any public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang an a—se at its disappointment on this occasion; neither would I pre­sume to compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a close-stool; but only to signify, by this simile, the mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the ad­miral ordered one of the Spanish men of war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned with de­tachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and moored within half a mile of the walls [Page 207] against which she began to fire at day-break; and conti­nued about six hours exposed to the opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which at last obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could in their boats.—This piece of conduct afforded matter of specula­tion to all the wits either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their comprehension.—Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the admiral's understanding, as to think he ex­pected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns: others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy's strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great ships that would be neces­sary to force the town to a capitulation; but this last conjecture soon appeared groundless, in as much as no ships of any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service.—A third swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill.—A fourth class, (and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed of the most sanguine and malicious,) plainly taxed this comm [...]nder with want of honesty as well as sense, and alledged, that he ought to have sacrificed pri­vate pique to the interest of his country; that where the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, without being solicited or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage; that if his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprize, it was his duty to have ren­dered it as practicable as possible, without running ex­treme hazard; that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter the town, while the land forces stormed the castle: by these means a considerable diversion would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in their march to the assault, and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town than from the castle; that the inha­bitants seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted and confused, and, in all probability, unable to resist the assailants.—But all these suggestions surely proceed from ignorance and ma­levolence, or else the admiral would not have found it [Page 208] such an easy matter, at his return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discern­ing.—True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, there was not water enough for our great ships near the town; though this was a little unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie a-breast, almost up at the very walls.—The disappointments we suffered, occasioned an universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much longer in this place.—Such was the economy in some ships, that rather than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their men to throw their bodies overboard, many without ei­ther ballast or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcasses floated in the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion-crows; which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived.—At the same time the wet season began, during which, a deluge of rain falls from the rising to the setting of the sun, without inter­mission; and that no sooner ceases, than it begins to thunder and lighten with such continual flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the illumination.

CHAP. XXXIV.

THE change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired with the stench that sur­rounded us, the heat of the climate, our own constitutions [Page 209] impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to intro­duce the bilious sever among us, which raged with such vio­lence, that three-sourths of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner, the colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot.

Our conductors, finding things in this situation, per­ceived it was high time to relinquish our conquests; and this we did, after having rendered their artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gun-powder. Just as we [...]ail­ed from Boca-Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of this terrible di­stemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to lie in the cockpit, which by this time was grown intolerable even to the people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provisions; I wrote a petition to the captain, re­presenting my case, and humbly imploring his permission to lie among the soldiers in the middle-deck, for the be­nefit of the fresh air: but I might have spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's mates, or else be contented to lie in the hospi­tal, which, by the bye, was three degrees more offen­sive, and more suffocating than our own birth below—Another in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weather­ed so many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakhum's injunction, prevailed upon the sol­diers, (whose good-will I had acquired,) to admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated my­self upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his orders; and was invested with power to turn me down again into my proper habitation.—This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my se­ver to a violent degree.—While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a serjeant, the [Page 210] bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, af­ter they had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement: he being informed of my condition, offered me the use of his birth in the middle deck, which was in­closed with canvas and well aired by a port-hole that re­mained open within it.—I embraced this proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hen-coop, during the whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, not­withstanding which, my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from my cabin-window, six [...] seven thrown over-board every day, who died of the same distemper. This confi­dence, I am persuaded, conduced a great deal to the pre­servation of my life, especially, when joined to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and instead of resisting putrefaction, pro­moted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid.—When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic bolus­es, I put them in my mouth, 'tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them; and when he went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel: I seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity; for he acted as my physician, Doctor Macshane never once inquiring about me, or even knowing where I was.—When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate, and after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woeful countenance, recommend myself to Got and my Redeemer; then taking his leave, desired the chap­lain to come and administer some spiritual consolation to me; but before he arrived, I made shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welchman had bestowed upon my back. The parson having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, and be­gan [Page 211] thus: Mr. Random, God out of his infinite mercy ‘hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of which no man knows.—You may be permit­ted to recover, and live many days on the face of the earth: and, which is more probable, you may be taken away and cut off in the flower of your youth: it is in­cumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great change by repenting sincerely of your sins: of this there cannot be a greater sign than an ingenuous con­fession, which I conjure you to make without hesitation or mental reservation; and, when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt you have been guilty of numberless transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery; tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your conscience; for no physician will prescribe for his pa­tient until he knows the circumstances of his disease.’ As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the doctor's inquisitive [...]emonstrance, which I told him favoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending auricular confession, a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which for that reason I declined. This reply discon­certed him a little; however, he explained away his mean­ing in making learned distinctions between what was ab­solutely necessary and what was only convenient; then proceeded to [...] what religion I professed? I answered that I had not as yet considered the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chap­lain expressed great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths? To which questions I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his mess­mates, who were making merry in the ward-room round [Page 212] a table well stored with bumbo ^* and wine. This insinu­ation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the fever, which soon after he had lest me, grew out­rageous; I began to [...] strange chimeras, and concluded myself on the point [...] becoming delirious. In the mean time, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea, and, as my friend the serjeant was not pre­sent, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh as I endea­voured to get out of my hammoc. The appearance of this renewed my hopes, and I had reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body and the sheets from the bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours relieved me from all my complaints except that of weakness, and left me as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of my future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the serjeant if I was alive still? "Alive!" cried the other; ‘God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not chuse to disturb him; for sleep will do him great service.’—"Ay," said my fellow-mate, ‘he sleeps so sound, (look you,) that he will never waken till the great trump plows.—Got be merciful to his soul—He has paid his debt like an honest man—Ay, and more­over, he is at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which Got knows, and I know, he had his own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promis­ing youth, indeed!’—So saying, he groaned grievous­ly, and began to whine in such a manner as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The serjeant, alarmed at his words, came into the birth, and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink; he immediately guessed my meaning, and, remaining silent, Morgan was [Page 213] confirmed in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he approached with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a sight of the object; and I counterfeited death so well by fixing my eyes, and dropping my under-jaw, that he said, ‘There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Got help me;’ and observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to perform the last duty of a friend in clo­sing my eyes and my mouth; upon which I suddenly snap­ped at his fingers, and discomposed him so much, that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of horror: although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my hand, telling him, I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease▪ but, when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune, not failing to ascribe it, under Got, to the blister he had applied to my back at his last visit, "which, by the bye," said he, ‘must now be removed and dressed:’ he was actually going to fetch dressings, when I feigning astonishment, said, ‘Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my back, I assure you.’ But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and then endea­voured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in finding the skin untouched, and the plaister missing. In order to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who, oh this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaic [...], where I had the benefit of fresh provisions and other re­freshments, I recovered strength every day, and in a short time my health and vigour were perfectly re-established. When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Macshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word: after him came [Page 214] Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a fierce counte­nance, pronounced, ‘Here's fine discipline on board, when such lazy skulking sons of bitches as you are al­lowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard duty!’ The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me so much, that I could [...]arce refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present feeble­ness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and con­tented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his inso­lence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for nothing more than such an opportunity.

Mean while our ship was ordered to be heaved down, victualled and watered, for her return to England; and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it con­venient for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who on the other hand wished for nothing so much as to be safe without the tro­pic, all his care and tenderness of himself being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favour­ite Macshane along with him, to my inexpressible satis­faction, our new commander came on board in a ten oar­ed barge overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in every thing the reverse of Oakhum, being a tall, thin, young man, dressed in this manner—A white hat, garnish­ed with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair slowed upon his shoulders in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon: his coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut, retired backward, as it were, to discover a white sattin waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a broach set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric, edged with rich Mechlin: the knees of his crimson-velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose, without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles that flamed forth [Page 215] rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side, and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist: but the most remarkable parts of his furniture were a mask on his face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the little finger of each hand. In this garb Captain Whiffle (for that was his name) took possession of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attend­ants, all of whom, in their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's disposition; and the air was so impreg­nated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the clime of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet scented. My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for him­self to be neglected, and remembering the old proverb, "Spare to speak, and spare to speed," resolved to solicit the new captain's interest immediately, before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check shirt and trowsers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a night-cap of the same, (neither of them very clean,) which, for his future misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap, bordered with lace, about his head; and, after several low congees, began in this manner: ‘Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon the presumption of one who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who is, nevertheless, a shentle­man porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Got help me, in the world.’—Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started up with great amazement at the novelty of the apparition, and, having recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone sig­nifying disdain, curiosity and surprise, ‘Zauns! who art thou?’— ‘I am surgeon's first mate on board of this ship,’ replied Morgan, ‘and I most vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be plea­sed to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my [Page 216] character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Got, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.’—As he proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried with great emotion, ‘Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated!—Fellow, fellow, away with thee—Curse thee, fellow! get thee gone—I shall be stunk to death!’ At the noise of his outcries his ser­vants ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus: ‘Villains! cut throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed!—Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him! Oh! oh!’—With these interjections he sunk down upon his settee in a fit; his valet de chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary water, an­other sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin, who, coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance, and according to his custom, when he received any indig­nity which he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welch ditty. I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits, and desired to know the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked, with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? ‘A monster and a stink­ard!’ said I with some surprise; ‘did any body call you so?’—"Got is my judge," replied he, ‘Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the water in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do affirm, and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, (look you,) that I have no smells about me but such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb, and he is the son of a mountain goat who says otherwise—As for my being a monster, let that be as it is; I am as Got was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall [...]ver of him who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmographied with affectation and [...], and that he is more like a papoon than one of the [...] [...]ace.’

CHAP. XXXV.

HE was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a message to clean myself and go up to the great cabin; and with this command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rose-water from the medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the door until Captain Whi [...]le had reconnoi­tred me at a distance with a spy-glass. He, having con­sulted one sense in this manner, bade me advance gradu­ally, that his nose might have intelligence before it could be much offended: I therefore approached with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, ‘Ay, this creature is tolerable.’ I found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head supported by his valet de chambre, who from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. "Vergette," said he in a squeaking tone, "dost thou think this wretch," meaning me, ‘will do me no injury? may I venture to submit my arm to him?’ "'Pon my vord," replied the valet, ‘I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing one small quan­tite of blodt, and the young man ave quelque chose of de bon [...]e mi [...]n.’—"Well then," said his master, ‘I think I [...]st venture.’ Then addressing himself to me, ‘Hast thou ever blooded any body but brutes?—But I need not [...] thee; for thou wilt tell me a most damn­able [Page 218] lie.’—"Brutes, Sir," answered I, pulling down his glove in order to feel his pulse, ‘I never meddle with brutes.’—"What the devil art thou about?" cried he; ‘dost thou intend to twist off my hand! Gad's curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to come on board without my own surgeon Mr. Simper!’—I cra­ved pardon for having handled him [...]o roughly, and with the utmost care and tenderness tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from him, and when I answered, "Not above twelve ounces," started up with a look full of horror, and bade me begone, s [...]ear­ing I had a design upon his life. Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a small cup, and, put­ting them into my hand, told me, the captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one time. While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion, with a kind of a languid smile on his face, which seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long course of affectation▪ The captain no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, ‘O! my dear Simper! I am excessively disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco.’ Simper (who, by this time I found, was obliged to art for the clearness of his complexion) as­sumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented, with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then, feeling his patient's pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of castor and liquid laudanum would be of more service to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and composing the fermen­tation of his bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack­posset after the captain had been put to bed, and orders [Page 219] sent to the officers on the quarter-deck to let nobody walk on that side under which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor watch­ed over him, and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the state-room, where Whiffle slept, that he might be at [...]and in case of acci­dents in the night. Next day our commander being hap­pily recovered, gave orders, that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck without a wig, sword and ruf­fles, nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin, without first sending in to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not prepos­sess the ship's company in his favour, but on the contrary gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his cha­racter, and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ship being under [...]ailing orders, I was in hope of revisiting my native country in a very short time, when the admiral's surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me on the quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West-Indies; that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound for England, and desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunder-struck at this proposal, and stared at one another some time without speaking; at length the Welchman broke silence, and offered to remain in the West-Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon's warrant immediately: but he was told there was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the station of mate till he should be further provided for in due course; whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the navy had appointed him, and the other told him as plainly, that, if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance.—When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my advancement in the [Page 220] navy, and at the same time reflected on the present dearth of surgeons in the West-Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate which every day almost reduced the number, I could not help thinking, my success would be much more certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning to Europe—I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to throw the dice, told Morgan he needed not trou­ble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admi­ral's pleasure. This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who assured me it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation. Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizard sloop of war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.

My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that lay along-side, and having shook hands with my trusty friend the serjeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had ex­changed our sleeve-buttons as remembrances of each other.—Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw, than I recollected him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round­house, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before.—He received me with a good deal of courtesy, and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and master's mate.—As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go a-shore, next day, with the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of 40 per cent. discount; and having furnished myself with what necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, and to my surprise found my old antagonist Crampley walking upon deck.—Though I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tom­lins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, had procured a commis­sion, [Page 221] constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizard: and advised me, now as he was my superior officer, to be­have with some respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill.—This ad­vice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resent­ment had rendered utterly incapable of the least submis­sion to, or even of a reconciliation with the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me so inhumanly. How­ever, I resolved to have as little connection as possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.

In less than a week we sailed on a cruize, and having weathered the east end of the island, had the good for­tune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that had [...]ailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners, who were well, we put on shore on the north side of the island; the prizes were manned with English­men, and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the master's mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizard's cruize should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal—With him I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore, in a house that was to be hired as an hospital.—This destination gave me a great deal of plea­sure, as I should, for some time, be freed from the arro­gance of Crampley▪ whose inveteracy against me had al­ready broke out on two or three occasions since he was become a lieutenant.—My mess-mate, who very much re­sembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with the utmost civility and con­fidence; and, among other favours, made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy.—We arrived safely at Morant, and going on shore, pitched upon an empty store-house, which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other necessaries, and four of [Page 222] the ship's company appointed to attend them and obey me.

CHAP. XXXVI.

WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, my com­panion and commander, whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich plant­er, with whom he was acquainted; where we were sump­tuously entertained, and in the evening set out on our re­turn to the ship. When we had walked about a mile by moon-light, we perceived a horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us good even, and asked which way we went. His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my ear, than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be under no concern. I told him, he was mista­ken in the cause of my disorder; and, addressing my­self to the person on horseback, said, ‘I could have sworn by your voice, that you was a dear friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death.’—To this address, after some pause, he replied, ‘There are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but pray, what was your friend's name?’ I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the me­lancholy fate of Thomson, not without many sighs and some tears. A silence ensued which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation turned on different subjects, [...]ill we arrived at a house on the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness, that [...]e would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not resist.—But if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be, when I discovered by the [Page 223] light, the very person of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped me in his arms, and bedewed my face with tears.—It was some time [...]re I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could speak. So that all I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; while honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our happiness by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a madman.—At length I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, ‘Is it possible?—can you be my friend Thom­son? No certainly: alas! he was drowned! and I am now under the deception of a dream!’—He was at great pains to convince me of his being the individual per­son whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and com­pose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to account for his being at pre­sent in the land of the living.—This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drank a glass of punch, and re­collected my spirits, by informing us, that, with a deter­mination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship was on her way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he could by the bows, into the sea, where, after he was hearti­ly ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and as he could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the ships a-stern;—that in this situation he hailed a large vessel, and begged to be taken in, but was answered, that she was a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not chuse to lose time, by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest over­board for his convenience, and told him that some of the ships a-stern would certainly save him;—that no other ves­sel came within sight or cry of him, for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other support or resting place but what a sew crazy boards af­forded; till at last he discerned a small sloop steering to­wards him, upon which [...]e set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste, by their boat, which was hoisted out on purpose. [Page 224] "I was no sooner brought on board," continued he, ‘than I fainted, and when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first, that I was in my own hammoc along-side of honest Mor­gan, and that all which had passed was no more than a dream.—Upon inquiry I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode-Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese; and that the master's name was Robertson, by birth a North-Briton, whom I knew at first [...]ight to be an old school-fellow of mine.—When I discovered my­self to him, he was transported with surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion were very severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him, I fell overboard by accident; but made no scruple of ex­plaining the nature of my disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never to return to the Thunder man of war.—Although he was not of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes, and what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led, under the tyrannic sway of Oakhum and Macshane; and among other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreli­gious deportment of my ship-mates, and the want of the true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thoughts of rising in the navy; and that he might shew how much he had my interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before he should leave Jamaica.—This promise he performed to my heart's desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since, in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations.—He and his lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the re­maining part of the night.’—I needed not a second [Page 225] invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and excel­lent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship: however, he supped with us, and after having drank a chearful glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout negroes, whom Mr. Thomson ordered to conduct him.—Never were two friends more happy in the conver­sation of each other than we, for the time it lasted: I re­lated to him the particulars of our attempt upon Cartha­gena, of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every little inci­dent of his life since we parted.—He assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our sepa­ration; but that he was restrained by the fear of being detained as a deserter.—He told me, that when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at seeing him afterwards; and in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very much [...]avoured by her parents, and did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match, which would at once render him independent of the world.—I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he protested should never make him forget his friends; and towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.

Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the even­ing, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his affection.—In short, while we staid here, we saw one another every day, and generally ate at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all kinds of poultry, butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine­apples, Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days was by far the most agreeable period of my life.

At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all sit for duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, [Page 226] where I understood from Mr. Tomlins, that there was a shyness between the lieutenant and him on my account; that rancoro [...]s villain having taken the opportunity of my absence, to fill the captain's ears with a thousand scanda­lous stories, to my prejudice; among other things affirm­ing, that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was in the Thunder man of war I had been whipt for the same crime.—The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth, de­fended me strenuously, and in the course of that good­natured office, recounted all the instances of Crampley's malice against me, while I remained on board of that ship.—Which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my de­fender's enemy as mine. This infernal behaviour of Cramp­ley, with regard to me, added such fuel to my former resentment, that at certain times I was quite beside myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confident, argued against such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame, which con­sumed me, for the present, and resolved to wait for a more convenient opportunity. In the mean time, that Mr. Tom­lins might be the more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thomson, whose wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the particulars of my conduct while he was my [...]ellow-mate. This request the surgeon complied with, more from a curiosity to see a person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to con­firm his good opinion of me, which he assured me was al­ready firmly established. He therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me, and, being received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship, not only satis­fied with my character beyond the power of doubt or in­sinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conver­sation of Thomson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As he would not ven­ture to come and see us on board, lest Crampley should know and detain him, when the time of our departure ap­proached, [Page 227] I obtained leave to go and bid him farewel.—After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed upon me a purse with four doubloons, which I refused as long as I could without giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a small box, with a letter directed to me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the superscription to be of Thomson's hand-writing, I opened it with some sur­prise, and learned that this generous friend, not contented with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread-stockings. Being thus provided with money, and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate apace.

Next day we sailed for Port-Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes, and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and, having purchased a laced waist­coat with some other clothes at a sale, made a swaggering figure for some days among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Mean while our captain was promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man turned of fourscore, who had been lieute­nant since the reign of King William, and, notwithstand­ing his long service, would have probably died in that sta­tion, had he not applied some prize-money, he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he had served in quality of midshipman and mate five and twenty years. Soon after these alterations, the admi­ral pitched upon our ship to carry home dispatches for the ministry, and we set fail for England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the oc­casion.

CHAP. I.

NOW that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt excessive pleasure in find­ing myself out of sight of that fatal island, which has been the grave of so many Europeans; and, as I was accommodated with every thing to render the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as the inso­lence of Crampley would permit. This insidious slanderer had found means already to cause a misunderstanding be­tween the surgeon and captain, who by his age and infir­mities was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition having also been soured by a long course of disappoint­ments, and had a particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he considered as unnecessary animals on board of a ship. In consequence of these senti­ments, he never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his [Page 2] being seized with a violent fit of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his sovereign prescription against all distempers. But whether he was at this time too sparing, or took an over-dose of his cor­dial, certain it is, he departed in the night without any ceremony, (which indeed was a thing he always despised▪) and was found stiff next morning, to the no small satis­faction of Crampley, who succeeded to the command of the vessel. For that very reason Mr. Tomlins and I had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of his command justified our appre­hension; for▪ on pretence that the decks were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon's hencoops, with all his fowls, to be thrown over-board, and at the same time pro­hibited him and me from appearing on the quarter-deck. Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where in a few days, for want of air, he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after having made his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his sister, and le [...] to me his watch and instruments as remembrances of his friendship. I was penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion, the more because there was nobody on board to whom I could communicate my griefs, or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon's death, that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-mar­tial for mutiny; for which reason he would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his body before it was thrown over-board.

Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life the more irksome, signified to my mess-mates a desire that I should be expelled from their society. This was no sooner hinted than they granted his request, and I was fain to eat in a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which, however, soon drew to a period.

[Page 3] We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain, that by his reckoning we must be in sound­ings, and desired he would order the lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the ship's way, for we were not within a hundred leagues of sound­ings, and therefore he would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all that afternoon and night, without shortening sail, though the gunner pe [...]ended to discover Scilly light, and next morning protested in form against the captain's conduct; for which he was put in confinement. We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect sounding: but at three o'clock in the morning the ship struck, and remained fast on a sand-bank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat was immedi­ately hoisted out; but, as we could not discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to wait for day-light▪ In the mean time the wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner was released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away her mast, in order to lighten her; this was performed without success: the sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, accord­ing to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the offi­cers, dressed themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without ceremony; and drunkenness, tumult, and confu­sion ensued. In the midst of this uproar I went below to secure my own effects, and found the carpenter's mate hewing down the purser's cabin with his hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I asked his intention in so doing, he replied very calmly, ‘I only want to taste the purser's rum; that's all, master.’—At that instant the purser, coming down, [...]d seeing his effects going to wreck, complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what occasion he had for liquor, when in all likelihood he would be in eternity in a few minutes?—"All's one for that," said the plun­derer; "let us live while we can."— ‘Miserable wretch that thou art!’ cried the purser, ‘what must be thy lot in the other world, if thou diest in the commission of robbery?’—"Why hell, I suppose," replied the other with great deliberation; while the purser fell on his [Page 4] knees, and begged of Heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of one Jonas. During this dialogue I clothed myself in my best apparel, girded on my hanger, stuck my pistols loaded in my belt, disposed of all my valuable moveables about my person, and came upon deck with a resolution of taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the distance of three miles a-head. Crampley, finding his efforts to g [...]t the ship off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety by going into the boat, which he had no sooner done than the ship's company followed so fast, that she would have sunk along-side, had not some one wiser than the rest cut the rope, and put off. But, before this happened, I had made several attempts to get in, and was always baulked by the captain, who was so eager for excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and, cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who would pre­sume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board the boat with the loss of the skin off one of my shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner got up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the men to throw me over-board; but they were too anxious about their own safety to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set foot on terra firma, my indignation which had boiled so long within me, broke out against Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my pistols that he might take his choice; he took one without hesitation, and, before I could cock the other, fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the shot. I felt myself stunned, and, imagining the bullet had entered my brain, dischar­ged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unre­venged; then, flying upon my antagonist, I knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the but-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end of him with that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which he had given to his servant when he received [Page 5] the pistol. Seeing him armed in this manner, I drew my hanger, and having flung my pistol at his head, clo­sed with him in a transport of sury, and thrust my wea­pon into his mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one stroke cut the tendons on the back of his hand, upon which his cutlass dropt, and he remained de­fenceless.—I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which deprived me of all sensation.—When I recovered the use of my understanding, I found myself alone in a desolate place, stript of my clothes, money, watch, buckles, and every thing but my shoes, stockings, breeches, and shirt.—What a discovery must this be to me, who, but an hour before, was worth sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the poinard of the ene­my, which could not find the way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that miserable condi­tion, and in the ectacy of despair, resolved to lie still where I was and perish.

CHAP. II.

BUT as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly aba­ted; I considered my situation in quite another light from that in which it appeared to me at first, and the re­sult of my deliberation was to get up if I could, and crawl to the next inhabited place for assistance.—With some difficulty I got upon my legs, and having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than two large contused wounds, one on the fore and another on the [...]inder part of my head; which seemed to be occasion­ed [Page 6] by the same weapon, namely, the but-end of a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship; which made me conclude she had gone to piec [...], and that those who remained in her had perished: but, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity than Crampley, observing that it was flood when we left her, and that she would possibly float, at high-water, made no noise about getting on shore, but continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after the commander had deserted her, for which he expected, no doubt, to be handsomely rewarded.—This he accordingly performed, and was promised great things by the admi­ralty for saving his majesty's ship; but I never heard he reaped the fruits of his expectation.—As for my own part, I directed my course towards a small cottage I per­ceived, and in the road picked up a seaman's old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself in my clothes had thrown away; this was a very comfortable acquisi­tion to me, who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on, and as my natural heat revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that finding myself excessively exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields, when I discovered a barn to my left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I made shift to stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw no­body; upon which I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by some person or other.—I had not lain here many minutes, when I saw a country­man come in with a pitch-fork in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting into the straw that concealed me, and in all probability would have do [...]e my business, had I not uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to speak.—This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and discovering a body all be­smeared with blood, stood trembling, with the pitch-fork extended before him, his hair erect, his eyes staring, his nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open.—At another time I should have been much diverted with this figure, which preserved the same attitude very near a quarter of an hour, during which time I made many unsuccessful ef­forts to implore his compassion and assistance; but my tongue sailed me, and my language was only a repetition [Page 7] of groans: at length an old man arrived, who seeing the other in such a posture, cried, ‘Mercy upon un! the lead's bewitch'd!—Why, Dick, beest thou besayd thyself?’—Dick, without moving his eyes from the object that terrified him, replied, ‘O vather! vather! here be either the devil or a dead mon: I doan't know which on'un but a groans woundily.’—The father, whose eye-sight was none of the best, pulled out his specta­cles, and having applied them to his nose, reconnoitred me over his son's shoulder; but no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick's, and with a broken accent addressed me thus: ‘In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone the Red Zea; but an you be a moordered mon, speak, that you may have Christom burial.’—As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his conjuration to no purpose; and they conti­nued a good while in the agonies of fear.—At length the father proposed that the son should draw nearer, and take a more distinct view of the apparition: but Dick was of opinion that his fathe [...] should advance first, as being an old man past his labour, and if he received any mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape, and be useful in his generation.—This prudential reason had no effect upon the senior, who still kept Dick between me and him.—In the mean time I endeavoured to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but had only strength sufficient to cause a rustling among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so much, that he sprung out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight.—The old gentleman would not spend time in get­ting up, but crawled backwards like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling ex­orcisms all the way.—I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of perishing through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my spirits decay apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two fugitives, and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, saying, ‘If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead mon, a can do us no harm.’—When she saw my condition, she cried, ‘Here be no de­vil, [Page 8] but in youren fool's head.—Here be a poor miser­able wretch, bleeding to death, and if he dies, we must be at the charge of burying him; therefore, Dick, go and vetch the old wheel-barrow and puten in, and carry him to good-man Hodge's back-door, he is more, [...]able than we to lay out money upon poor vagrants.’—Her advice was taken, and [...]mmediately put in execu­tion. I was rolled to the other farmer's door, where I was tumbled out like a heap of dung, and would certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not dis­turbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation.—But Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise, as well as to preach charity; observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota towards the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish.—When I was set down at the vicar's gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened to excommunicate him who sent as well as those who brought me, unless they would move me im­mediately to another place.—About this time I fainted with the fatigue I had undergone; and afterwards under­stood, that I was bandied about, from door to door, through a whole village, no body having humanity enough to administer the least relief to me, until an old woman, who was suspected of withcraft by the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own preparing.—I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron, who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the parti­culars of my last disaster.—This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had saved my life, therefore I related all my adventures without exaggeration or re­serve. She seemed surprized at the vicissitudes I had un­dergone, and drew a happy presage of my future life from my past sufferings; then launched out into the praise of adversity with so much ardour and good sense, that I con­cluded she was a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to hear her story.—She per­ceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling, told me, there was nothing either entertaining or extra­ordinary [Page 9] in the course of her fortune; but however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration of the con­fidence I had reposed in her.— ‘It is of little conse­quence,’ said she, ‘to tell the names of my parents, who are dead many years ago: let it suffice to assure you that they were wealthy, and had no other child than me, so that I was looked upon as heiress to a con­siderable estate, and teized with addresses on that ac­count. Among the number of my admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune, whose sole depen­dence was on his promotion in the army, in which, at that time, he bore a lieutenant's commission—I con­ceived an affection for this amiable officer, which in a short time increased to a violent passion, and, without entering into minute circumstances, married him pri­vately.—We had not enjoyed one another long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to Flanders; but before he set out, it was agreed be­tween us, that he should declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for the step we had taken without his approbation.—This was done while I was abroad visiting, and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter from my father, im­porting, that since I had acted so undutifully and meanly, as to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his family, as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot within his doors again.—This ri­gid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in a postscript, gave me to understand that her sentiments were exactly conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself the trouble of making any applications, for her resolution was unalterable.—Thunder-struck with my evil fortune, I called a coach and drove to my husband's lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of his letter.—Though he could easily divine by my looks the issue of his declaration, he read with great steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a smile full of tenderness, which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, I believe the good lady your mother might have spared herself the trouble of [Page 10] the last part of her postscript.—Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach, till I can procure the command of a regiment.—This unconcern­ed behaviour, while it enabled me to support my re­verse of fortune, at the same time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views in espousing me.—I was next day boarded in company with the wife of another officer, who had long been the friend and confident of my husband, at a village not far from London, where they parted from us in the most melting manner, went to Flanders, and were killed in sight of one another at the battle of the wood.—Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes with tears? When our grief subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid, we found ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of perishing for want: whereupon we made application for the pension, and were put upon the list. Then vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and su­perfluous clothes, retired to this place, (which is in the county of Sussex,) bought this little [...]se, where we lived many years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual sorrow, till it pleased heaven to call away my companion two years ago; since which time I have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares.—In the mean time,’ con­tinued she, ‘I must inform you of the character I bear among my neighbours.—My conversation being differ­ent from that of the inhabitants of the village, my re­cluse way of life, my skill in curing distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here, and lastly, my age, have made the common people look upon me as something preternatural, and I am actually at this hour believed to be a witch.’ The parson of the parish, whose acquaintance I have not been at much pains to ‘cultivate, taking umbrage at my supposed disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the confirmation of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among the vulgar, who are also very much scandalized at my entertaining this poor tabby cat with the collar [Page 11] about her neck, which was a favourite of my deceased companion.’

The whole behaviour of this venerable person, was so primitive, innocent, sensible, and humane, that I con­tracted a filial respect for her, and begged her advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a con­dition to act for myself.—She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to London in hopes of retriev­ing my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship, which by this time, I read in a news-paper, was safely arrived in the river Thames. "Because," said she, ‘you run the hazard of being treated not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose re­venge you will be moreover exposed.’—She then pro­mised to recommend me as a servant to a single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood, with her nephew, who was a young fox-hunter of great fortune, where I might be very happy, provided I could bear with the disposition and manners of my mistress, which was somewhat whimsical and particular.—But above all things she counselled me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually poison my entertainment: for it was a maxim among most people of condition, that no gentleman in distress ought to be admitted into a family, as a domestic, lest he become proud, lazy, and insolent.—I was fain to embrace this humble proposal, because my affairs were desperate; and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve in quality of her footman; being re­presented by my hostess, as a young man, who, having been sent to sea by his relations against his inclination, was shipwrecked and robbed, which had increased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he rather chose to go to service on shore than enter himself on board of any other ship.—Be [...]ore I took possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of my mistress's character, that I might know better how to regulate my conduct. "Your lady," said she, ‘is a maiden of forty years, not so remarkable for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over the country.—Indeed she is a perfect female virtuosi, and so eager after the pursuit of knowledge, that she neglects her person even [Page 12] to a degree of sluttishness: this negligence, together with her contempt for the male part of the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by these means he will probably keep her fortune, which is consider­able, in the family. He therefore permits her to live in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and gratifies her in all her whimsical desires.—Her apartment is at some distance from the other inhabited parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room, bed­chamber and study: she keeps a cook-maid, waiting-woman, and footman of her own, and seldom eats or converses with any of the family, but her neice, who is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt often to the prejudice of her own health, by sitting up with her whole nights together; for your mistress is too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the customs of the world, and never sleeps or eats as other people do.—Among other odd notions, she professes the principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth, air, and sea are inhabited by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for the human species to entertain correspondence and intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste.—As she hopes one day to be admitted into the acquaintance of this kind, she no sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, as she has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was greatly mortified to find herself disappointed in her ex­pectation. Being, by this visionary turn of mind, ab­stracted as it were from the world, she cannot advert to the common occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit very strange mistakes and extravagances, which you will do well to rectify and repair, as your prudence shall suggest.’

CHAP. III.

FRAUGHT with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the presence of my lady, who had not before seen me.—She fat in her study, with one foot upon the ground, and the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks hung down in a disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her [...]ead, which was deprived of its coif for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she held the stump of a pen in the other.—Her fore-head was high and wrinkled, her eyes large, grey and prominent; her nose long, sharp and aquiline; her mouth of vast capacity; her visage meagre and frec­kled, and her chin peaked like a shoemaker's paring knife: her upper lip contained a large quantity of plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that was not naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose about her with a negligence tru­ly poetic, discovering linen that was very fine, and to all appearance never washed but in Castalian streams.—Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and other learned apparatus: her snuff-box stood at her right hand, at her left lay her handkerchief sufficiently used, and a convenience to spit in, appeared on one side of her chair.—Being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not think proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, during which time she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made ma­ny wry faces, and at length, with an air of triumph, re­peated aloud,

Having committed her success to paper, she turned to­wards [Page 14] the door, and perceiving us, cried, ‘What's the matter?’ "Here's the young man," replied my con­ductress, ‘whom Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.’ On this information she stared in my face a considerable time, and then asked my name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown.—After having surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, ‘O! ay, thou wast shipwrecked, I remember—Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a whale or dolphin?’ To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any assistance.—Then she de­manded to know if I had ever been to the Hellespont, and swam from Sestos to Abydos? I replied in the nega­tive: upon which she bid the maid order a suit of new li­very for me, and instruct me in the articles of my duty; so saying she spit in her snuff-box and wiped her nose with her cap which lay on the table, instead of a hand­kerchief.—We returned to the kitchen, where I was re­galed by the maids, who seemed to outvie with one ano­ther, in expressing their regard for me.—From them I understood, that my business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the cloth, waiting at table, [...]rrying messages, and attending my lady when she went abroad. There being a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged to my predecessor, deceased, I dressed myself in it, and found it fit me exactly, so that there was no occasion for employing a tailor on that account.—I had not been long equipped in this manner, when my lady's bell rung; upon which I ran up stairs, and found her stalking about the room in her shift and under-petti­coat only; I would have immediately retired, as became me, but she bid me come in, and air a clean shift for her; which having done with some backwardness, she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant of my sex all the time, being quite absorbed in contemplation.—About four o'clock in the afternoon, I was ordered to lay the cloth and place two covers, which I understood was for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not as yet seen.—Though I was not very dextrous at this operation, I performed it pretty well for a beginner▪ and when dinner was upon the table, saw my mistress ap­proach, accompanied by the young lady, whose name for [Page 15] the present shall be Narcissa—So much sweetness appear­ed in the countenance and carriage of this amiable appa­rition, that my heart was captivated at first [...]ight, and while dinner lasted I gazed upon her without intermission.—Her age seemed to be seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexceptionable; her hai [...], that fell down upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eye-brows of the same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue of cherries; her complex­ion clear, delicate, and healthy; her aspect noble, in­genuous and humane; and the whole so ravishingly de­lightful, that it was impossible for any creature, endued with sensibility, to see without admiring, and admire without loving her to excess! How often did I curse the servile station, that placed me so infinitely beneath the regard of this idol of my admiration! and how often did I bless my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much perfection! When she spoke, I listened with▪ pleasure; but when she spoke to me, my soul was thril­led with an ecstasy of tumultuous joy! I was even so hap­py as to be the subject of their conversation: for Nar [...]a having observed me, said to her aunt, ‘I see your now footman is come.’ Then addressing herself to me, ask­ed with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had been so cruelly used by robbers? When I had satis­fied her in this, she expressed a desire of knowing the par­ticulars of my fortune both before and since my being shipwrecked: hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I told her, that I had been bound 'prentice to the master of a ship, contrary to my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea; and I and four more; who chan­ced to be on deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, where my companions, after having overpowered me, stript me to the shirt, and left me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own defence: then I related the circumstances of my being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment I met with from the country people and parson; which I perceived drew tears from the charming creature's eyes! When I had finished my recital, my mistress said, ‘ Ma foy! le gar [...]on est bien fait!’ To which opinion Narcissa [Page 16] assented, with a compliment to my inderstanding in the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.

The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young 'squire, whom my lady enquired after under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her niece, that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night's debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a sox-chase to-morrow morning, in company with Sir Ti­mothy Thicket, 'Squire Bumper, and a great many other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion; so that by day-break the whole house would be in an uproar.—This was a very disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would stuff her ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her sleep the more sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the clamour of the brutes.

When their dinner was over, I and my fellow-servants sat down to ours in the kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in the neigh­bourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her brother, who proposed at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy's sister, by which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be provided for and their brothers be never the poorer; but the ladies did not concur in the scheme, each of them en­tertaining a hearty contempt for the person allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This information begat in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and cursed in my heart for his presumption. Next morning by day-break, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and hounds, I got up to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem bril­liant enough to give me much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to be won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind. My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her nephew's company, that she did not rise till five o'clock in the afternoon: so that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to which I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I [Page 17] sound a thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had begun, with­out constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of com­position: but, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least mention made of love in any of her performances. I counted fragments of five tragedies, the titles of which were, ‘The stern Philosopher—The double Murder—The sacrilegious Traitor—The Fall of Lucifer—and the Last Day’—From whence I gather­ed, that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of horror. Her library was com­posed of the best English historians, poets, and philoso­phers, of all the French critics and poets, and of a few books in Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty much used—besides these, translations of the classics into French, but not one book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her ignorance of these languages. After having taken a full view of this collection I retired, and at the usual time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid, that her mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the hounds in the morning, that she ac­tually believed herself a hare beset with the hunters, and begged a few greens to munch for her breakfast. When I testified my surprise at this unaccountable imagination, she let me know that her lady was very much subject to whims of this nature, sometimes fancying herself an ani­mal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceit­ed transformations it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she represented a beast; for that lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown at her, and scratched h [...]r face in a terrible manner—that some months ago she prophesied a general conflagration was at hand, and no­thing would be able to quench it but her water, which, therefore, she kept so long that her life was in danger, and she must needs have died of the retention, had they not found an expedient to make her evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her chamber-window, and persuaded her that the house was in flames; upon which, with great de­liberation, she bid them bring all the tubs and vessels they could find, to be filled for the preservation of the house,. [Page 18] into one of which she immediately discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed, that nothing contri­buted so much to the recovery of her reason as music, which was also administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the harpsichord, and to whom she (the maid) was just then going to intimate her aunt's disorder. She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady's chamber, where I found her sit­ting squat on her hams on the floor, in the manner of puss when she listens to the cries of her pursuers. When I ap­peared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprung to the other side of the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting after her life.—Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the stair-case met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation of my mistress: she said not a word, but, smiling with unspeakable grace, went into her aunt's apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravish­ed with the effects of her skill. She accompanied the in­strument with a voice so sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprising change it produced on the spirits of my mistress, which were soon composed to peace and sober reflection.

About seven o'clock the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes and one badger, carried before them as tro­phies of their success; and when they were about to sit down to dinner, (or supper,) Sir Timothy Thicket desi­red, that Narcissa would honour the table with her pre­sence: but this, notwithstanding her brother's threats and entreaties, she refused, on pretence of attending on her aunt who was indisposed; so that I enjoyed the satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified: but this disappointment made no great impression on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the whole company become so much ena­moured, that after a most horrid uproar of laughing, singing, swearing, dancing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached from the squire and his family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxi­cating draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my contemplation, every day, more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became blind to [Page 19] my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this amiable creature, whose affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous thoughts.

CHAP. IV.

DURING this season of love and tranquillity, my muse which had lain dormant so long, awoke, and pro­duced several small performances on the subject of my flame: but, as it concerned me nearly to remain undisco­vered in my real character and sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by confining my works to my own perusal and applause. In the mean time I strove to insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies, and succeeded so well by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at least a fa­vourite servant, and frequently enjoyed the pleasure of hearing myself mentioned in French and Italian with some degree of warmth and surprize, by the dearest object of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in my appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a common lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these bewitching com­pliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the con­versation turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso's Gieru­salem, which it seems had puzzled them both. After a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress, taking the book out of her pocket, turned to the place in questi­on, and read the sentence over and over without success; at length, despairing of finding the author's meaning, she turned to me, saying, ‘Come hither, Bruno; let us see what fortune will do for us: I will interpret to thee what goes before and what follows in this obscure pa­ragraph, the particular words of which I will also ex­plain, that thou may'st, by comparing one with the [Page 20] other, guess the sense of that which perplexes us.’ I was too vain to let slip this opportunity of displaying my talents▪ therefore, without hesitation, read and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted them, to the ut­ter astonishment of both. Narcissa's face and lovely neck were overspread with blushes, from which I drew a favour­able omen, while her aunt, after having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, ‘In the name of Heaven, who art thou?’—I told her I had picked up a smattering of Italian during a voyage up the Straits. At this she shook her head, and observed, that no smatterer could read as I had done. She then de­sired to know if I understood French, to which I answered in the affirmative: she asked if I was acquainted with the Latin and Greek; I replied, "A little."—"O ho!" continued she, ‘and with philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?’—I owned I knew something of each—whereupon she repeated her stare and interrogation. I be­gan to repent my vanity, and, in order to repair the fault I had committed, said, it was not to be wondered at if I had a tolerable education, because learning was so cheap in my country, that every peasant was a scholar; but I hoped her ladyship would think my understanding no ex­ception to my character. She was pleased [...]o answer, ‘No, no, God forbid.’ But, during the rest of the time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable reserve.

This alteration ga [...] me much uneasiness, and I passed the night without sleep, in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them to commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own [...]ober judg­ment. Next day, however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more to the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and, if fortune had not be [...]riended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been treated with the contempt I deserved. After breakfast, my lady, who was a true author, bid me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus: ‘Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to desire your opinion of a small per­formance in poetry, which I lately composed. You must know I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be the murder of a prince before the altar, [Page 21] where he is busy at his devotions. After the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue the people, with the bloody dagger in his hand, and I have already com­posed a speech, which I think will suit the character extremely—Here it is.’ Then, taking up a scrap of paper, she read, with violent emphasis and gesture, as fol­lows:

Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved immortal fame, and besought her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of self-complacency, and, encou­raged by the incense I had offered, communicated all her poetical works, which I applauded one by one with as lit­tle candour as I had shewn at first. Satiated with my flat­tery, which I hope my situation justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in my turn; and therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste, observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way myself, which she desired to see. This was a temptation I could by no means resist. I owned that, while I was at college, I wrote some small detached pieces at the desire of a friend who was in love, and, at her request, repeated the following verses, which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired.

My mistress made me a cold compliment on the versifi­cation, which, she said, was elegant enough, but the sub­ject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was extremely net­tled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time had joined us, for her approbation, but she de­clined giving her opinion, protesting she was no judge of these matters: so that I was forced to retire, very much baulked in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine. If the afternoon, however, the waiting­maid assured me, that Narcissa had expressed her approba­tion of my performance with great warmth, and desired her to procure a copy of it, as for herself, that she (Nar­cissa) might have an opportunity to peruse it at leisure. I was elated to an extravagant pitch with this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a sair copy of my ode, which was carried to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as follows:

Whether or not Narcissa discovered my passion, I could not learn from her behaviour, which, though always be­nevolent to me, was henceforth more reserved, and less chearful. While my thoughts aspired to a sphere so far above me, I had unwittingly made a conquest of the cook­wench and the dairy-maid, who became [...]o jealous of one another, that, if their sentiments had been refined by edu­cation, it is probable one or other of them would have had recourse to poison or steel, to be revenged of her ri­val; but, as their minds were happily adapted to their humble station, their mutual enmity was confined to scold­ing and fifty cuffs, in which exercise they were both well-skilled. My good fortune did not long remain a secret, being disclosed by the f [...]quent broils of these heroines, who kept no decorum in their encounters. The coachman and gardener, who paid their devoirs to my admirers, each to his respective choice, alarmed at my success, laid their heads together, in order to concert a plan of revenge; and the former having been educated at the academy of Tottenham—court, undertook to challenge me to single combat; he accordingly, with many opprobrious invec­tives, bid me defiance, and offered to box with me for twenty guineas. I told him, that, although I believed myself a match for him even at that work, I would not descend so far below the dignity of a gentleman as to [Page 24] fight like a porter; but, if he had any thing to say to me, I was his man at blunderbuss, musket, pistol, sword, hatchet, spit, cleaver, fork, or needle—nay more, that if he gave his tongue any more saucy liberties at my ex­pence, I would crop his ears without any ceremony. This rodomontade, delivered with a stern countenance and re­solute tone, had the desired effect upon my antagonist, who with some confusion sneaked off, and gave his friend an account of his reception. The story taking air among the servants, procured for me the title of gentleman John, with which I was sometimes honoured even by my mistress and Narcissa, who had been informed of the whole affair by the chambermaid. In the mean time the rival queens expressed their passion by all the means in their power: the cook entertained me with choice bits, the dairy-maid with stroakings: the first would often encourage me to declare myself, by complimenting me upon my courage and learn­ing, observing, that, if she had a husband like me to maintain order, and keep accounts, she could make a great deal of money by setting up an eating-house at Lon­don for gentlemen's servants on board-wages: the other courted my affection by shewing her own importance, and telling me, that many a substantial farmer in the neigh­bourhood would be glad to marry her; but she was resol­ved to please her eye, if she should plague her heart—then she would launch out into the praise of my proper person, and say, she was sure I would make a good husband; for I was very good-natured. I began to be uneasy at the importunities of these inamoratoes, whom at another time perhaps I might have pleased, without the disagreeable sauce of matrimony; but at present my whole soul was engrossed by Narcissa, and I could not bear the thoughts of doing any thing derogatory of the passion I entertained for her.

CHAP. V.

AT certain intervals my ambition would revive; I would despise myself for my tame resignation to my sordid fate, and revolve an hundred schemes for assuming the cha­racter of a gentleman, to which I was entitled by birth and education. In these fruitless suggestions time stole away unperceived, and I had already remained eight months in the station of a footman, when an accident hap­pened that put an end to my servitude, and for the present banished all hopes of succ [...]eding in my love.

Narcissa went one day to visit Miss Thicket, who lived with her brother, within less than a mile of our house, and was persuaded to walk home in the cool of the even­ing, accompanied by Sir Timothy, who, having a good deal of the brute in him, was instigated to use some unbe­coming familiarities with her, encouraged by the solitariness of a field through which they passed. The lovely creature was incensed at his rude behaviour, for which she reproach­ed him in such a manner, that he lost all regard to decen­cy, and actually offered violence to this pattern of inno­cence and beauty. But Heaven would not suffer so much goodness to be violated, and sent me (who, passing by ac­cident near the place, was alarmed with her cries) to her su [...]cour.—What were the emotions of my soul, when I beheld Narcissa almost sinking beneath the brutal force of this satyr! I flew like lightning to her rescue, which he perceiving, quitted his prey, and drew his hanger to cha­stise my presumption. My indignation was too high to admit one thought of fear; so that, rushing upon him, I struck his weapon out of his hand, and used my cudgel so successfully, that he fell to the ground, and lay, to all ap­pearance, without sense. Then I turned to Narcissa, who had swooned; and, sitting down by her, gently raised her [Page 26] head, and supported it on my bosom, while, with one hand around her waist, I kept her in that position. My soul was thrilled with tumultuous joy at feeling the object of my dearest wishes within my arms, and, while she lay insensible, I could not refrain from applying my cheek to her's, and ravishing a kiss: in a little time the blood be­gan to revisit her face, she opened her enchanting eyes, and, having recollected her late situation, said with a look full of tender acknowledgment, ‘Dear John, I am en­tirely obliged to you!’ So saying, she made an effort to rise, in which I assisted her, and she proceeded to the house, leaning upon me all the way. I was a thousand times tempted by this opportunity to declare my passion, but the dread of disobliging her restrained my tongue. We had not got a hundred paces from the scene of her distress, when I perceived Sir Timothy get up and move homeward; a circumstance which, though it gave me some satisfaction, in as much as I thereby knew I had not killed him, filled me with just apprehension of his resentment, which I found myself in no condition to withstand, espe­cially when I considered his intimacy with our squire, to whom I knew he could easily justify himself for what he had done, by imputing it to his love, and desiring his brother Bruin to take the same liberty with his sister, with­ont any fear of offence. When we arrived at the house, Nar [...]issa assured me she would exert all her influence in protecting me from the revenge of Thicket, and likewise engage her aunt in my favour—a [...] the same time pulling out her purse, offered it as a small consideration for the service I had done her; but I stood too much upon the punctilios of love to incur the least suspicion of being mercenary, and refused the present, saying. I had merited nothing by barely doing my duty. She seemed astonished at my disinterestedness, and blushed; I felt the same suf­fusion, and with a downcast eye, and broken accent, told her I had one request to make, which if her generosity would grant, I should think myself fully recompensed for an age of misery. She changed colour at this preamble, and with great confusion replied, she hoped my good sense would hinder me from asking any thing she was bound in honour to refuse, and therefore bid m [...] signify my desire: upon which I kneeled, and begged to kiss her hand. She [Page 27] immediately, and with an averted look, stretched it out; I imprinted on it an ardent kiss, and, bathing it with my tears, cried, ‘Dear Madam, I am an unfortunate gen­tleman who love you to distraction, but would have died a thousand deaths rather than make this declaration under such a servile appearance, were he not determined to yield to the rigour of his fate, to fly from your be­witching presence, and bury his presumptuous passion in eternal silence.’—With these words, I rose up and went away before she could recover spirits so far as to make any reply. My first care was to go and consult Mrs. Sage­ly, with whom I had maintained a friendly correspondence ever since I left her house. When she understood my situ­ation, the good woman with real concern condoled me on my unhappy fate, and approved of my resolution to leave the country, being perfectly well acquainted with the bar­barous disposition of my rival, "who by this time," said she, ‘has no doubt meditated a scheme of revenge. In­deed, I cannot see how you will be able to elude his vengeance; being himself in the commission, he will immediately grant warrants for apprehending you; and, as almost all the people of this country are dependent on him or his friend, it will be impossible for you to find shelter among them: if you should be apprehended, he will commit you to jail, where you may possibly lan­guish in great misery till the next assizes, and then be transported for assaulting a magistrate.’ While she thus warned me of my danger, we heard a knocking at the door, which threw us both into great consternation, as in all probability it was occasioned by my pursuers; whereupon this generous old lady, putting two guineas into my hand, with tears in her eyes bid me, for God's sake, get out at the back-door, and consult my safety as Providence should direct me. There was no time for de­liberation.

I followed her advice, and escaped by the benefit of a dark night to the sea-side, where, while I ruminated on my next excursion, I was all of a sudden surrounded by armed men, who, having bound my hands and feet, bid me make no noise on pain of being shot, and carried me on board of a vessel, which I soon perceived to be a smug­gling cutter. This discovery gave me some satisfaction at [Page 28] first, because I concluded myself safe from the resentment of Sir Timothy; but when I found myself in the hands of ruffians, who threatened to execute me for a spy, I would have thought myself happily quit for a year's imprison­ment, or even transportation. It was in vain for me to protest my innocence; I could not persuade them, that I had taken a solitary walk to their haunt, at such an hour, merely for my own amusement, and I did not think it my interest to disclose the true cause of my retreat, because I was afraid they would have made their peace with justice by surrendering me to the penalty of the law. What con­firmed their suspicion, was the appearance of a custom­house yacht, which gave them chace, and had well nigh made a prize of their vessel; when they were delivered from their fears by a thick fog, which effectually screened them, and favoured their arrival at Bologne. But, before they got out of sight of their pursuer, they held a coun­cil of war about me, whom some of the most ferocious among them would have thrown over-board as a traitor who had betrayed them to their enemies; but others, more considerate, alledged, that if they put me to death, and should afterwards be taken, they could expect no mercy from the legislature, which would never pardon outlawry aggravated by murder. It was therefore determined by a plurality of votes, that I should be set on shore in France, and left to find my passage back to England as I should think proper, which would be punishment sufficient for the bare suspicion of a crime in itself not capital. Although this favourable determination gave me great pleasure, the apprehension of being robbed would not suffer me to be perfectly at ease: to prevent this calamity, as soon as I was untied in consequence of the aforesaid decision, I tore a small hole in one of my stockings, into which I dropped [...]ix guineas, reserving half a piece and some silver in my pocket, that, finding something, they might not be tempt­ed to make any farther inquiry. This was a very necessary precaution; sor, when we came in [...]ight of the French shore, one of the smugglers told me I must pay for my passage. To this I replied, that my passage was none of my own seeking, therefore they could not expect a re­ward from me for transporting me into a strange country by force.—"Damme!" said the outlaw, ‘none of your [Page 29] palaver; but let me see what money you have got.’ So saying, he thrust his hand into my pocket without any ceremony, and emptied it of the contents; then casting an eye at my hat and wig, which captivated his fancy, he took them off, and, clapping his own on my head, de­clared that a fair exchange was no robbery. I was fain to put up with the bargain, which was by no means fa­vourable to me; and a little while after we went all on shore tog [...]r.

I resolved to take my leave of these desperadoes with­out much ceremony, when one of them cautioned me against appearing to their prejudice, if ever I returned to England, unless I had a mind to be murdered, for which service, he assured me, the gang never wanted agents.—I promised to observe his advice, and departed for the Upper Town, whe [...]e I enquired for a carbaret or public house, into which I went with an intention of taking some refreshment. In the kitchen, five Dutch sailors sat at breakfast, with a large loaf, a firkin of butter, and a [...] of brandy on the table, the bung of which they often applied to their mouths with great perseverance and satis­faction. At some distance from them, I perceived ano­ther person in the same garb, sitting in a pensive, solita­ry manner, entertaining himself with a whiff of tobacco, from the stump of a pipe as black as jet. The appearance of distress never failed to attract my regard and compas­sion; I approached this forlorn tar, with a view to offer him my assistance, and notwithstanding the alteration of dress, and disguise of a long beard, I discovered in him my long lost and lamented uncle and benefactor, Liente­nant Bowling! Good Heaven! what were the agitations of my soul, between the joy of finding again such a valu­able friend, and the sorrow of seeing him in such a low condition! The tears gushed down my cheeks, I stood motionless and silent for some time; at length, recovering the use of speech, exclaimed, ‘Gracious God! Mr. Bowling!’—My uncle no sooner heard his name men­tioned, than he started up, crying, with some surprise, "Holloa?" and after having looked at me sted [...]astly, without being able to recollect me, said, ‘Did you call me, brother?’ I told him I had something extraordi­nary to communicate, and desired him to give me a few [Page 30] minutes hearing in another room; but he would by no means consent to this proposal, saying, ‘Avast there, friend; none of your tricks upon travellers; if you have any thing to say to me, do it above-board; you need not be afraid of being over-heard; here are none who understand our lingo.’—Though I was loth to discover myself before company, I could no longer re­frain from telling him, I was his own nephew Roderick Random. On this information, he considered me with great earnestness and astonishment, and recalling my fea­tures, which, though enlarged, were not entirely altered since he had seen me, came up and shook me by the hand very cordially, protesting he was glad to see me well. After some pause, he went on thus: ‘And yet, my lad, I am sorry to see you under such colours; the more so, as it is not in my power, at present, to change them for the better, times being very hard with me.’—With these words I could perceive a tear trickle down his furrowed cheeks, which affected me so much, that I wept bitterly.—Imagining my sorrow was the effect of my misfortunes, he comforted me, by observing that life was a voyage in which we must expect to meet with all weathers: sometimes it was calm, sometimes rough; that a fair gale often succeeded a storm: that the wind did not always sit one way, and that despair signified nothing: but resolution and skill were better than a stout vessel: for why? because they require no carpenter, and grow stronger the more labour they undergo. I dried up my tears, which I assured him were not shed for my own di­stress, but for his, and begged leave to accompany him into another room, where we could converse more at our ease.—There I recounted to him the ungenerous usage I had met with from Potion; at which he started up, stalk­ed across the room three or four times, in a great hurry, and grasping his cudgel, cried, ‘I would I were along-aside of him!—that's all.—I would I were along-side of him!’—I then gave him a detail of all my adven­tures and sufferings, which affected him more than I could have imagined; and concluded with telling him that Cap­tain Oakhum was still alive, and that he might return to England when he would, to solicit his affairs, without danger or molestation▪—He was wonderfully pleased at [Page 31] this piece of information, of which, however, he said he could not at present avail himself, for want of money to pay for his passage to London. This objection I soon removed, by putting five guineas into his hand, and tel­ling him, I thought myself extremely happy in having an opportunity of manifesting my gratitude to him in his necessity.—But it was with the utmost difficulty I could prevail upon him to accept of two, which he affirmed, were more than sufficient to pay the necessary expence.—After this friendly contest was over, he proposed we should have a mess of something: "For," said he, ‘it has been banyan day with me a great while.—You must know I was shipwrecked five days ago, near a place called Lusieux, in company with those Dutchmen who are now drinking below; and having but little money when I came a-shore, it was soon spent, because I let them have share and share while it lasted.—Howsom­ever, I should have remembered the old saying, Every hog his own apple: for when they found my hold un­stowed they went all hands to shooling and begging; and because I would not take a spell at the same duty, refused to give me the least assistance; so that I have not broke bread these two days.’ I was shocked at the ex­tremity of his distress, and ordered some bread, cheese, and wine to be brought immediately, to allay his hunger, until a fricassee of chickens could be prepared.—When he had recruited his spirits with this homely fare, I desired to know the particulars of his peregrination, since the acci­dent at Cape Tiberoon; which were briefly these: the money he had about him being all spent at Port Louis, the civility and hospitality of the French cooled to such a degree, that he was obliged to list on board of one of their king's ships, as a common foremastman, to prevent himself from starving on shore.—In this situation he continued two years, during which time he had acquired some knowledge of their language, and the reputation of a good seaman: the ship he belonged to was ordered home to Old France, where she was laid up as unfit for service, and he was re­ceived on board of one of Monsieur D'Antin's squadron, in quality of quarter-master; which office he performed in a voyage to the West-Indies, where they engaged with our ship, as before related; but his conscience upbraiding [Page 32] him for serving the enemies of his country, he quitted the ship at the same place where he first listed, and got to Cura [...]oa in a Dutch vessel; there he bargained with ano­ther skipper, bound to Europe, to work for his passage to Holland, from whence he was in hopes of hearing from his friends in England; but was cast away, as he men­tioned before, on the French coast, and must have been reduced to the necessity of travelling on foot to Holland, and begging for his subsistence on the road, or of enter­ing on board of another French man of war, at the ha­zard of being treated as a deserter, if Providence had not sent me to his succour.—"And now, my lad," continued he, ‘I think I shall steer my course directly to London, where I do not doubt of being replaced, and of having the R taken off me by the lords of the admiralty, to whom I intend to write a petition setting forth my case. If I succeed I will have wherewithal to give you some assistance, because, when I left the ship, I had two years pay due to me; therefore I desire to know whither you are bound; and besides, perhaps I may have interest enough to procure a warrant appoint­ing you surgeon's mate of the ship to which I shall be­long.—For the beadle of the admiralty is my good friend; and he and one of the under-clerks are sworn brothers, and that under-clerk has a great deal to say with one of the upper-clerks, who is very well known to the under-secretary, who upon his recommendation, I hope, will recommend my affair to the first secretary; and he again will speak to one of the lords in my be­half: so that you see, I do not want friends to assist me on occasion.—As for the fellow Crampley, thof I know him not, I am sure he is neither seaman nor of­ficer by what you have told me, or else he could ne­ver be so much mistaken in his reckoning, as to run the ship on shore on the coast of Sussex, before he be­lieved himself in soundings; neither, when that acci­dent happened, would he have left the ship until she had been stove to pieces▪ especially when the tide was making; wherefore, by this time, I do suppose he has been tried by a court-martial, and executed for his cowardice and misconduct.’—I could not help smiling at the description of my uncle's ladder, by which he pro­posed [Page 33] to climb to the attention of the board of admiralty; and though I knew the world too well, to confide in such dependence myself, I would not discourage him with doubts; but asked if he had no friend in London, who would advance a small sum of money to enable him to ap­pear as he ought, and make a small present to the under-secretary, who might possibly dispatch his business the sooner on that account.—He scratched his head, and af­ter some recollection replied, ‘Why, yes, I believe Da­niel Whipcord, the ship-chandler in Wapping, would not refuse me such a small matter—I know I can have what credit I would, for lodging, liquor, and clothes; but as to money, I won't be positive—Had honest Block been living, I should not have been at a loss.’—I was heartily sorry to find a worthy man so destitute of friends when he had such need of them; and looked upon my own situation as less miserable than his, because I was better acquainted with the selfishness and roguery of mankind; consequently less liable to disappointment and imposition.

CHAP. VI.

WHEN our repast was ended, we walked down to the harbour, where we found a cutter that was to sail for Deal in the evening, and Mr. Bowling agreed for his passage: in the mean time we sauntered about the town, to satisfy our curiosity, our conversation turning on the subject of my designs, which were not as yet fixed: neither can it be supposed, that my mind was at [...]ase, when I sound myself reduced almost to extreme poverty, in the midst of foreigners, among whom I had not one acquaintance to advise or befriend me.—My uncle was [Page 34] sensible of my [...]orlorn condition, and pressed me to ac­company him to England, where he did not doubt of finding some sort of provision for me: but besides the other reasons I had for avoiding that kingdom, I looked upon it, at this time, as the worst country in the universe for a poor honest man to live in; and therefore determin­ed to remain in France, coute que coute.—I was confirmed in this resolution by a reverend priest, who, passing by at this time, and overhearing us speak English, accosted us in the same language, telling us he was our countryman, and wishing it might be in his power to do us any ser­vice: we thanked this grave person for his courteous of­fer, and invited him to drink a glass with us, which he did not think proper to refuse, and we went altogether into a tavern of his recommending. After having drank to our healths in a bumper of good Burgundy, he began to inquire into our situation, and asked particularly the place of our nativity, which we no sooner named, than he started up, and wringing our hands with great fervour, shed a flood [...] tears, crying, ‘I came from the same part of the country! perhaps you are my own rela­tions.’—I was on my guard against his caresses, which I suspected very much, when I remembered the adven­ture of the money-dropper; but without any appearance of diffidence, observed, that as he was born in that part of the country, he must certainly know our families, which (howsoever mean our present appearance might be) were none of the most obscure and inconsiderable.—Then I discovered our names, to which I found he was [...] stranger; he had known my grandfather personally; and notwithstanding an absence of fifty years from Scotland, recounted so many particulars of the families in the neigh­bourhood, that my scruples were entirely removed, and I thought myself happy in his acquaintance.—In the course of our conversation, I disclosed my condition without re­serve, and displayed my talents to such advantage, that the old father looked upon me with admiration, and assur­ed me, that if I staid in France, and listened to reason, I could not fail of making my fortune, to which he would contribute all in his power.

My uncle began to be jealous of the priest's insi [...]uation, and very abruptly declared, that if ever I should renounce [Page 35] my religion, he would break off all connection and cor­respondence with me▪ for it was his opinion, that no ho­nest man could swerve from the principles in which he was bred, whether Turk, Protestant, or Roman.—The father, affronted at this declaration, with great vehe­mence, began a long discourse, setting forth the danger of obstinacy, and shutting one's eyes against the light; he said, that ignorance would be no plea towards justifi­cation, when we had opportunities of being better in­formed; and that, if the minds of the people had not been open to conviction, the Christian religion would not have been propagated in the world; and we should now be in a state of Pagan darkness and barbarity: he endea­voured to prove, by some texts of scripture, and many quotations from the fathers, that the Pope was the suc­cessor of St. Peter, and vicar of Jesus Christ: that the church of Rome was the true, holy, Catholic church; and that the Protestant faith was an impious heresy, and damnable schism, by which many millions of souls would suffer everlasting perdition.—When he had finished his sermon, which I thought he pronounced with more zeal than discretion, he addressed himself to my uncle, and de­sired to know his objections to what had been said. The lieutenant, whose attention had been wholly engrossed by his own affairs, took the pipe out of his mouth, and re­plied, ‘As for me, friend, d'ye see, I have no objection to what you say, it may be either true or false, for what I know; I meddle with nobody's aff [...]irs but my own; the gunner to his linstock, and the steersman to his helm, as the saying is—I trust to no creed but the compass, and do unto every man as I would be done by; so that I defy the Pope, the Devil, and the Pre­tender; and hope to be saved as well as another.’—This association of persons gave great offence to the friar, who protested in a mighty passion, that if Mr. Bowling had not been his countryman, he would have caused him to be imprisoned for his insolence.—I ventured to disap­prove of my uncle's rashness, and appeased the old gen­tleman, by assuring him, there was no offence intended by my kinsman, who, by this time, sensible of his error, shook the injured party by the hand, and asked pardon for the freedom he had taken. Matters being amicably compro­mised, [Page 36] he invited us to come and see him in the after­noon at the convent to which he belonged, and took his leave for the present; when my uncle recommended it strongly to me to persevere in the religion of my forefa­thers, whatever advantages I might propose to myself by a change, which could not fail of disgracing myself, and dishonouring my family.—I assured him, no consideration should induce me to forfeit his friendship and good opini­on, on that score; at which he discovered great satisfacti­on, and put me in mind of din [...]r, which we immediately bespoke, and when it was ready eat together.

I imagined my acquaintance with the Scottish priest, if properly managed, might turn out to my advantage, and therefore resolved to cultivate it as much as I could. With this view we visited him at his convent, according to his invitation, where he treated us with wine and sweet­meats, and shewed us every thing that was remarkable in the monastery.—Having been thus entertained, we took our leave, though not before I had promised to see him next day; and the time fixed for my uncle's embarking being come, I accompanied him to the harbour, and saw him on board.—We parted not without tears, after we had embraced and wished one another all manner of pros­perity; and he intreated me to write to him often, di­recting to Lieutenant Thomas Bowling, at the sign of the union flag, near the Hermitage, London.

I returned to the house in which we had met, where I passed the night in a very solitary manner, reflecting on the severity of my fate, and endeavouring to project some likely scheme of life for the future; but my invention failed me. I saw nothing but unsurmountable difficulties in my way, and was ready to despair at the miserable prospect. That I might not, however, neglect any pro­bable means, I got up in the morning, and went directly to the father, whose advice and assistance I implored.—He received me very kindly, and gave me to understand, that there was one way of life in which a person of my talents could not fail of making a figure.—I guessed his meaning, and told him once for all, I was fully determin­ed against any alteration in point of religion, therefore if his proposal regarded the church, he might save himself the trouble of explaining it. He shook his head and sigh­ed, [Page 37] saying, ‘Ah! son, son, what a glorious prospect is here spoiled by your stubborn prejudice! Suffer your­self to be persuaded by reason, and consult your tem­poral welfare, as well as the concerns of your immortal soul.—I can, by my interest, procure your admission as a noviciate into this convent, where I will superin­tend and direct you with a truly paternal affection.’—Then he launched out into the praises of a monastic life, which no noise disturbs, no cares molest, and no danger invades—where the heart is weaned from carnal attach­ments, the grosser appetites subdued and chastised, and the soul wafted to the divine regions of philosophy and truth, on the wings of studious contemplation—But his eloquence was lost upon me, whom two considerations enabled to withstand his temptations; namely, my pro­mise to my uncle, and my aversion to an ecclesiastical life; for, as to the difference of religion, I looked upon it as a thing of too small moment to come into competition with a man's fortune.—Finding me immoveable on this head▪ he told me, he was mor [...] sorry than offended at my non­compliance, and still ready to employ his good offices in my behalf.—"The same erroneous maxims," said he, ‘that obstruct your promotion in the church, will infal­libly prevent your advance [...]ment in the army; but if you can brook the condition of a servant, I am ac­quainted with some people of rank at Versailles, to whom I can give you letters of recommendation, that you may be entertained by some one of them in quality of maitre de hotel; and I do not doubt that your quali­fications will soon entitle you to a better provision.’—I embraced his offer with great eagerness; and he ap­pointed me to come back in the afternoon, when he would not only give me the letters, but likewise introduce me to a capuchin of his acquaintance, who intended to set out for Paris next morning, in whose company I might tra­vel, without being at the expence of one livre during the whole journey. This piece of good news gave me infinite pleasure; I acknowledged my obligations to the benevo­lent father, in the most grateful expressions: and he per­formed his promise to a tittle, in delivering the letters, and making me acquainted with the capuchin, with whom I departed next morning by break of day.

[Page 38] It was not long before I discovered my fellow-traveller to be a merry facetious fellow, who notwithstanding his profession and appearance of mortification, loved good eating and drinking better than his rosary, and paid more adoration to a pretty girl than to the Virgin Mary, or St. Genevieve.—He was a thick brawny young man, with red eye-brows, a hook nose, a face covered with freckles▪ and his name was Fr [...]re Balthazar. His order did not permit him to wear linen, so that having little occasion to undress himself, he was none of the cleanliest animals i [...] the world; and his constitution was naturally so strong scented, that I always thought it convenient to keep to the windward of him in our march—As he was perfectly well known on the road, we fared sumptuously without any cost, and the fatigue of our journey was much alle­viated by the good humour of my companion, who s [...]ng an infinite number of catches on the subject of love and wine.—We took up our lodgings the first night at a pea­sant's house, not far from Abbe Ville, where we were entertained with an excellent ragout, cooked by our land­lord's daughters, one of whom was very handsome. Af­ter having eaten heartily, and drank a sufficient quantity of [...]in du Pais, we were conducted to a barn where we sound a couple of carpets spread upon clean straw for our reception.—We had not lain in this situation above half an hour, when we heard somebody knock softly at the door, upon which Balthazar got up, and let in our host's [...]wo daughters, who wanted to have some private conver­sation with him in the dark; when they had whispered together some time, the capuchin came to me, and asked if I was insensible to love, or so hard-hearted as to refuse a share of my bed to a pretty maid who had a tendresse for me.—I must own, to my shame, that I suffered myself to be overcome by my passion, and with great eagerness seized the occasion, when I understood that the amiable Nanette was to be my bed-fellow.—In vain did my reason suggest the respect I owed to my dear mistress N [...]r [...]issa; the idea of that lovely charmer rather increased than al­layed the ferment of my spirits; and the young Paisanne had no reason to complain of my remembrance.—Early in the morning the kind creatures left us to our repose, which lasted till eight o'clock, when we got up, and were [Page 39] treated at breakfast with chocolate and l' eau de vie by our paramours, of whom we took a tender leave, after my companion had confessed and given them absolution.—While we proceeded on our journey, the conversation turned upon the night's adventure, being introduced by the capuchin, who asked me how I liked my lodgings: I declared my satisfaction and talked in rapture of the agreeable Nanette; at which he shook his head, and smiling, said, she was a morceau pour la bonne bouche. ‘I never valued myself,’ continued he, ‘upon any thing so much as the conquest of Nanette; and, vanity apart, I have been pretty fortunate in my amours.’—This in­formation shocked me not a little, as I was well convinced of his intimacy with her sister; and though I did not care to tax him with downright incest, I professed my asto­nishment at his last night's choice, when I supposed the other was at his devotion.—To this hint he answered, that besides his natural complaisance to the sex, he had ano­ther reason to distribute his favours equally between them, namely, to preserve peace in the family, which could not otherwise be maintained;—that moreover Nanette had conceived an affection for me, and he loved her too well to baulk her inclination; more especially, when he had an opportunity of obliging his friend at the same time.—I thanked him for this instance of his friendship, though I was extremely disgusted at his want of delicacy▪ and cursed the occasion that threw me in his way.—Libertine as I was, I could not bear to see a man behave so wide of the character he assumed: I looked upon him as a person of very little worth or honesty, and should have even kept a wary eye upon my pocket, if I had thought he could have any temptation to steal.—But I could not con­ceive the use of money to a capuchin, who is obliged, by the rules of his order, to appear like a beggar, and en­joy all other necessaries of life gratis; besides, my fellow-traveller seemed to be of a complexion too careless and sanguine to give me any apprehension on that score; so▪ that I proceeded with great confidence, in expectation of being soon at my journey's end.

CHAP. VII.

THE third night of our pilgrim [...]ge, we passed at a house near Amiens, where, Balthazar being un­known, we supped upon indifferent fare, and sour wine, and were fain to lie in a garret upon an old matra [...]s, which, I believe, had been in the possession of ten thousand my­riads of fleas, time out of mind.—We did not invade their territory with impunity; in less than a minute we were attacked with stings innumerable, in spite of which, however, I fell fast asleep, being excessively fatigued with our day's march, and did not awake till nine next morn­ing, when seeing myself alone, I started up in a terrible fright, and [...] my pockets, sound my pres [...]ging fear too true! My companion had made free with my cash, and left me to seek my way to Paris by myself! I ran down stairs immediately; and, with a look full of grief and amazement, enquired for the mendicant, who, they gave me to understand, had set out four hours be­fore, after having told them I was a little indisposed, and desired I might not be disturbed, but be informed when I should wake, he had taken the road to Noy [...]ns, where he would wait for my coming, at the Coq D'Or.—I spoke not a word, but with a heavy heart, directed my course to that place, at which I arrived in the afternoon, saint­ing with weariness and hunger; but learned, to my utter confusion, that no such person had been there▪—It was happy for me that I had a good deal of resentment in my constitution, which animated me on such occasions, against the villainy of mankind, and enabled me to bear misfor­tunes otherwise intolerable.—Boiling with indignation, I [Page 41] discovered to the host my deplorable condition, and in­veighed with great bitterness against the treachery of Balthazar; at which he shrugged up his shoulders, and with a peculiar grimace on his countenance, said, he was sorry for my misfortune; but there was no remedy like patience.—At that instant some guests a [...]ived, to whom he hastened to offer his service, leaving me mortified at his indifference, fully persuaded that an innkeeper is the same sordid animal all the world over.—While I stood in the porch, forlorn and undetermined, venting ejacula­tions▪ of curses against the thief who had robbed me, and the old priest who recommended him to my friendship; a young gentleman richly dressed, attended by a valet de cham­bre and two servants in livery, arrived at the inn. I thought I perceived a great deal of sweetness and good na­ture in his countenance; therefore he had no sooner alight­ed than I accosted him, and in a few words explained my situation: he listened with great politeness, and, when I had made an end of my story, said, ‘Well, monsieur, what would you have me do?’—I was effectually abash­ed at this interrogation, which I believed no man of com­mon sense or generosity could make, and made no other reply than a low bow: he returned the compliment still lower▪ and tripped into an apartment, while the landlord let me know, that my standing there to interrupt company gave offence, [...]nd might do him infinite prejudice. He had no occasion to repeat his insinuation; I moved from the place immediately, and was so much transported with grief, anger, and disdain, that a torrent of blood gushed from my nostrils. In this extasy I quitted Noyons, and betook myself to the fields, where I wandered about like one distracted, till my spirits were quite exhausted▪ and I was obliged to throw myself down at the root of a tree to rest my wearied limbs. Here my rage forsook me; I be­gan to feel the importunate cravings of nature, and [...]e­lapsed into silent sorrow and melancholy reflection: I re­volved all the crimes I had been guilty of, and found them so sew and venial, that I could not comprehend the justice of that Providence, which, after having exposed me to so much wretchedness and danger, left [...] a prey to famine at last in a foreign country, where I had not one friend or acquaintance to close my eyes, and do the last office [...] of [Page 42] humanity to my miserable carcase. A thousand times I wished myself a bear, that I might retreat to woods and deserts, far from the inhospitable haunts of man, where I could live by my own talons, independent of treacherous friends and supercilious scorn.

As I lay in this manner, groaning over my hapless fate, I heard the sound of a violin, and, raising my head, per­ceived a company of men and women dancing on the grass at some distance from me. I looked upon this to be a fa­vourable season for distress to attract compassion, when every selfish thought is banished, and the heart dilated with mirth and social joy; wherefore I got up, and ap­proached those happy people, whom I soon discovered to be a party of soldiers, with their wives and children, unbend­ing and diverting themselves at this rate after the fatigue of a march. I had never before seen such a parcel of scare­crows together, neither could I reconcile their meagre gaunt looks, their squalid and ragged attire, and every other external symptom of extreme woe, with this appear­ance of festivity. I saluted them, however, and was re­ceived with great politeness: after which they formed a ring, and danced round me. This jollity had a wonderful effect upon my spirits▪ I was infected with their gaiety, and in spite of my dismal situation, forgot my cares, and joined in their extravagance. When we had recreated ourselves a good while at this diversion, the ladies spread their man­tuas on the ground, upon which they emptied their knap­sacks of some onions, coarse bread, and a few flasks of poor wine: being invited to a share of the banquet, I sat down with the rest, and in the whole course of my life never made a more comfortable meal. When our repast was end­ed, we got up again to dance; and, now that I found my­self refreshed, I behaved to the admiration of every body: I was lo [...]ded with a thousand compliments and professions of friendship; the men commended my person and agi­lity, and the women were loud in the praise of my bonne grace; the serjeant in particular expressed so much regard for me, and described the pleasures of a soldier's life with so much art, that I began to listen to his proposal of en [...]sting me into the service; and the more I consider­ed my own condition, the more I was convinced of the necessity I was under of coming to a speedy determination. [Page 43] Having therefore maturely weighed the circumstances pro and con, I signified my consent, and was admitted into the regiment of Picardy, said to be the oldest corps in Europe. The company, to which this command belonged, was quartered at a village not far off, whither we marched next day, and I was presented to my captain, who seemed very well pleased with my appearance, gave me a crown to drink, and ordered me to be accommodated with clothes, arms, and accoutrements: whereupon I sold my livery suit, purchased linen, and, as I was at great pains to learn the exercise, in a very short time became a complete soldier.

It was not long before we received orders to join several more regiments, and march with all expedition into Ger­many, in order to reinforce Mareschal Du [...] de Noailles, who was then encamped with his army on the side of the river Main, to watch the motions of the English, Austrians and Hessians, under the command of the Earl of Stair. We began our march accordingly, and I then became acquaint­ed with that part of a soldier's life to which I had been hitherto a stranger. It is impossible to describe [...] hunger and thirst I sustained, and the fatigue I underwent in a march of so many hundred miles, during which I was so much chafed with the heat and motion of my limbs, that in a very short time the inside of my thighs and legs were deprived of skin, and I proceeded in the utmost [...]orture. This misfortune I owed to the plumpness of my constitu­tion, which I cursed, and envied the withered conditions of my comrades, whose bodies could not spare juice enough to supply a common issue, and were indeed proof against all manner of friction. The continual pain I felt made me fretful, and my peevishness was increased by the mortifica­tion of my pride in seeing those miserable wretches, whom a hard gale of wind would have scattered through the air like chaff, bear those toils with alacrity under which I was ready to sink.

One day while we enjoyed a halt, and the soldiers with their wives had gone out to dance according to custom, my comrade staid at home with me on pretence of friend­ship, and insulted me with his pity and consolation! He told me, though I was young and tender at present, I would soon be seasoned to the service, and he did not doubt but I should have the honour to contribute in some [Page 44] measure to the glory of the king.— ‘Have courage, there­fore, my child,’ said he, ‘and pray to the good God, that you may be as happy as I am, who have had the honour of serving Lewis the Great, and of receiving many wounds in helping to establish his glory.’ When I looked upon the contemptible object that pronounced these words, I was amazed at the infatuation that possessed him, and could not help expressing my astonishment at the absurdity of a rational being, who thinks himself highly honoured in being permitted to encounter abject poverty, oppression, famine, disease, mutilation, and evident death, merely to gratify the vicious ambition of a prince, by whom his sufferings were disregarded, and his name ut­terly unknown. I observed, that if his situation was the consequence of compulsion, as having been pressed into the service, I would praise his patience and fortitude in bear­ing his lot—if he had taken up arms in defence of his in­jured country, he was to be applauded for his patriotism—or if he had fled to this way of life as a refuge from a greater evil, he was justifiable in his own conscience, (though I could have no notion of misery more extreme than that he suffered;) but to put his condition on the footing of conducing to the glory of his prince, was no more than professing himself a desperate slave, who voluntarily underwent the utmost wretchedness and peril, and com­mitted the most flagrant crimes, to sooth the barbarous pride of a fellow-creature, his superior in nothing but the power he derived from the submission of such wretches as him. The soldier was very much affronted at the liberty I took with his king, which he said nothing but my igno­rance could excuse: he affirmed, that, the characters of princes were sacred, and ought not to be pro [...]aned by the censure of their subjects, who are bound by their allegiance to obey their commands, of what nature soever, without scruple or repining, and advised me to correct the rebel­lious principles I had imbibed among the English, who, for their insolence to their kings, were notorious all over the world even to a proverb:

In vindication of my countrymen I repeated all the ar­guments commonly used to prove, that every man has a [Page 45] natural right to liberty, that allegiance and protection are reciprocal, that, when the mutual ties are broken by the tyranny of the king, he is accountable to the people for his breach of contract, and subject to the penalty of the law, and that those insurrections of the English, which are branded with the name of rebellion by the slaves of arbi­trary power, were no other than glorious efforts to rescue that independence, which was their birth-right, from the ravenous claws of usurping ambition. The Frenchman, provoked at the little deference I paid to the kingly name, lost all patience, and reproached me in such a manner, that my temper forsook me, and I clenched my fist, with an intention to give him an hearty box on the ear. Perceiving my design, he started back, and demanded a parley; upon which I checked my indignation, and he gave me to un­derstand, that a Frenchman never forgave a blow; there­fore, if I was not weary of my life, I would do well to spare him that mortification, and do him the honour of measuring his sword with mine like a gentleman. I took his advice, and followed him to a field hard by, where in­deed I was ashamed at the pitiful figure of my antagonist, who was a poor, little, shivering creature, decrepid with age, and blind of one eye. But I soon found the folly of judging from appearance, being at the second pass wound­ed in the sword-hand, and immediately disarmed with such a jerk, that I thought the joint was dislocated. I was no less confounded than enraged at this event, especially as my adversary did not bear his success with all the modera­tion that might have been expected; for he insisted upon my asking pardon for my affronting his king and him. This I would by no means comply with, but told him, it was a mean condescension, which no gentleman in his circum­stances ought to propose, and none in my situation per­form;—and, if he persisted in his ungenerous demand, I would in my turn claim satisfaction with my musket, at which weapon we should be more upon a par than with the sword, of which he seemed so much master.

CHAP. VIII.

HE was disconcerted a [...] this declaration, to which he made no reply, but repaired to the dancers, among whom [...]he recounted his victory with many exaggerations and gasconades, while I, taking up my sword, went to my quarters, and examined my wound, which I [...]ound was of no consequence. The same day an Irish drummer, having heard my misfortune, visited me, and, after having condoled me on the chance of war, gave me to under­stand, that he was master of the sword, and would in a very short time instruct me so thoroughly in that noble science, that I should be able to chastise the old Gascon for his insolent boasting at my expence. This friendly office he proffered on pretence of the regard he had for his countrymen; but I afterwards learned, the true motive was no other than a jealousy he entertained of a corre­spondence between the Frenchman and his wife, which he did not think proper to resent in person. Be this as it will, I accepted his offer, and practised his lessons with such application, that I soon believed myself a match for my conqueror. In the mean time we continued our march, and arrived at the camp of Mareschal Noailles the night before the battle of Dettingen. Notwithstanding the sa­tigue we had undergone, our regiment was one of those that were ordered next day to cross the river under the command of the Due de Gra [...]ont, to take possession of a narrow defile, through which the allies must of necessity [Page 47] have passed at a great disadvantage, or remain where they were, and perish for want of provision, if they would not condescend to surrender at discretion. How they suffered themselves to be pent up in this manner, it is not my pro­vince to relate; I shall only observe, that, when we had taken possession of our ground, I heard an old officer, in conversation with another, profess a surprise at the con­duct of Lord Stair, who had the reputation of a good general. But it seems, at this time, that nobleman was over-ruled, and only acted in an inferior character; so that no part of the blame could be imputed to him, who de­clared his disapprobation of the step, in consequence of which the whole army was in the utmost danger: but Pro­vidence or destiny acted miracles in their behalf, by dis­posing the Du [...] de Gramont to quit his advantageous post, pass the defile, and attack the English, who were drawn up in order of battle on the plain, and who handled us so roughly, that, after having lost a great number of men, we turned our backs without ceremony, and fled with such precipitation, that many hundreds perished in the river through pure fear and confusion; for the enemy were so generous, that they did not pursue us one inch of ground; and, if our consternation would have permitted, we might have retreated with great order and deliberation. But not­withstanding the royal clemency of the king of Great-Bri­tain, who headed the allies in person, and, no doubt, put a stop to the carnage, our loss amounted to five thousand men, among whom were many officers of distinction. Our miscarriage opened a passage for the foe to Hanau, whi­ther they immediately marched, leaving their sick and wounded to the care of the French, who next day took possession of the field of battle, buried the dead, and treat­ed the living with humanity. This was a great consola­tion to us, who thence took occasion to claim the victory, and the genius of the French nation never appeared more conspicuous than now, in the rodomontades they uttered on the subject of their generosity and courage; every man, by his own account, performed feats that would have eclisped all the heroes of antiquity. One compared himself to a lion retiring at leisure from his cowardly pursuers, who keep at a wary distance, and galled him with their darts—Another likened himself to a bear that [...]etreats with his face to the enemy, who dare not assail him—and a third [Page 48] assumed the character of a desperate stag that turns upon the hounds, and keeps them at bay. There was not a pri­vate soldier engaged, who had not by the prowess of his single arm, demolished a whole platoon, or put a squadron of horse to flight; and, among others, the meagre Gascon extolled his exploits above those of Hercules or Charle­magne. As I still retained my resentment for the disgrace I suffered in my last rencontre with him, and, now that I thought myself qualified, I longed for an opportunity to retrieve my honour; I magnified the valour of the English with all the hyperboles I could imagine, and decried the pusillanimity of the French in the same style, comparing them to hares flying be [...]ore grey-hounds, or mice pursued by cats; and passed an ironical compliment on the speed he exerted in his flight, which, considering his age and infirmities, I said was surprizing. He was stung to the quick by this sarcasm, and, with an air of threatening dis­dain, bid me know myself better, and remember the cor­rection I had already received from him for my insolence; for he might not always be in the humour of sparing a wretch who abused his goodness. To this inuendo I made no reply but by a kick in the breech, which overturned him in an instant. He started up with wonderful agility, and, drawing his sword, attacked me with great fury: several people interposed; but, when he informed them of its being an affair of honour, they retired, and left us to decide the battle by ourselves. I sustained his onset with little damage, having only received a small scratch on my right shoulder, and, seeing his breath and vigour almost exhausted, assaulted him in my turn, closed with him, and wrested the sword out of his hand in the struggle. Having thus acquired the victory, I desired him to beg his life; to which demand he made no answer, but shrugged up his shoul­ders to his ears, expanded his hands, elevated the skin of his forehead and eye-brows, and depressed the corners of his mouth in such a manner, that I could scarce resrain from laughing aloud at his grotesque appearance. That I might, however, mortify his vanity, which had triumphed without bounds over my misfortune, I thrust his sword up to the hilt in something (it was not a tansy) that lay smoking on the plain, and joined the rest of the soldiers with an air of tranquillity and indifference.

[Page 49] There was nothing more of moment attempted by ei­ther of the armies during the remaining part of the cam­paign, which being ended, the English marched back to the Netherlands; part of our army was detached to French Flanders, and our regiment ordered into winter-quarters in Champaigne. It was the fate of the grenadier company, to which I now belonged, to lie at Rheims, where I found myself in the utmost want of every-thing. My pay, which amounted to five sols a-day, far from supplying me with necessaries, was scarce sufficient to procure a wretched subsistence to keep soul and body together; so that I was, by hunger and hard duty, brought down to the meagre condition of my fellow-soldiers, and my linen reduced from three tolerable shirts to two pair of sleeves and necks, the bodies having been long ago converted into spatterdashes; and after all I was better provided than any private man in the regiment▪ In this urgency of my affairs, I wrote to my uncle in England, though my hopes from that quar­ter were not at all sanguine for the reasons I have already explained, and in the mean time had recourse to my old remedy patience, consoling myself with the flattering sug­gestions of a lively imagination, that never abandoned me in my distress.

One day, while I stood centinel at the gate of a gene­ral-officer, a certain nobleman came to the door, followed by a gentleman in mourning, to whom at parting I heard him say, "You may depend upon my good offices." This assurance was answered by a low bow of the person in black, who, turning to go away, discovered to me the in­dividual countenance of my old friend and adherent Strap. I was so much astonished at the sight that I lost the power of utterance, and, before I could recollect my­self, he was gone without taking any notice of me. In­deed, had he staid, I scarcely should have ventured to accost him, because, though I was perfectly well acquainted with the features of his face, I could not be positively certain as to the rest of his person, which was very much altered for the better since he left me at London; neither could I conjecture by what means he was enabled to appear in the sphere of [...] gentleman, to which, while I knew him, he had not eve [...] the ambition [...]o aspire. But I was too much concerned [...] the affair to neglect farther information, and [Page 50] therefore took the first opportunity of asking the porter if he knew the gentleman to whom the marquis spoke? The Swiss told me his name was Monsieur d'Estrapes, that he had been valet de chambre to an English gentle­man lately deceased, and that he was very much regarded by the marquis for his fidelity to his master, between whom and that nobleman a very intimate friendship had subsisted. Nothing could be more agreeable to me than this piece of intelligence, which banished all doubt of its being my friend, who had found means to Frenchi [...]y his name as well as his behaviour since we parted. As soon, therefore, as I was relieved, I went to his lodging accord­ing to a direction given me by the Swiss, and had the good fortune to find him at home. That I might surprise him the more, I concealed my name and business, and only desired the servant of the house to tell Monsieur d'Estrapes, that I begged the honour of half an hour's conversation with him. He was confounded and dismayed at this message, when he understood it was sent by a sol­dier, though he was conscious to himself of no crime: all that he had heard of the Bastile appeared to his imagina­tion with aggravated horror, and it was not before I had waited a considerable time, that he had resolution enough to bid the servant shew me up stairs. When I entered his chamber, he returned my bow with great civility, and en­deavoured by a forced complaisance to disguise his fear, which appeared in the paleness of his face, the wildness of his looks, and the shaking of his limbs. I was diverted at his consternation, which redoubled when I told him in French, I had business for his private ear, and demanded a particular audience. The valet being withdrawn, I asked in the same language, if his name was d'Estrapes? To which he answered with a [...]aui [...]ring tongue, ‘The same, at your service.’—"Are you a Frenchman?" said I. "I have not the honour of being a Frenchman born," replied he, ‘but I have an infinite veneration for the country.’ I then desired he would do me the honour to look at me, which he no sooner did, than, struck with my appearance, he started back, and cried in English, "O Jesus! sure it can't!—No, 'tis impossible!"—I smiled at his interjections, saying, ‘I suppose you are too much of a gentleman to own your friend in adver­sity.’ [Page 51] When he, heard me pronounce these words in our own language, he leaped upon me in a transport of joy, hung about my neck, kissed me from e [...] to ear, and blubbered like a great school-boy who had been whipped. Then, observing my dress, he set up his throa [...] crying, ‘O L—d! O L—d! that ever I should live t [...] see my dearest friend reduced to the condition of a foot soldier in the French service! Why did you consent to my leaving you?—But I knew the reason—you thought you had got more creditable friends, and grew ashamed of my acquaintance—Ah! Lord help us! though I was a little short-sighted, I was not altogether blind—and, though I did not complain, I was not the less sensible of your unkindness, which was indeed the only thing that induced me to ramble abroad, the Lord knows whither; but I must own it has been a lucky ramble for me, and so I forgive you, and may God forgive you.—O L—d! O L—d! is it come to this?’—I was nettled at the charge, which, though just, I could not help thinking unseasonable, and told him with some tartness, that, whether his suspicions were ill or well grounded, he might have chosen a more convenient opportunity of in­troducing them, and that the question now was, whether or no he found himself disposed to lend me any assistance.—"Disposed!" replied he with great emotion; ‘I thought you had known me so well as to assure yourself, without asking, that I and all that belongs to me are at your command. In the mean time you shall dine with me, and I will tell you something that perhaps will not be displeasing to you.’—Then, wringing my hand, he said, "It makes my heart bleed to see you in that garb!" I thanked him for his invitation, which, I observed, could not be unwelcome to a person who had not eaten a com­fortable meal these seven months; but I had another re­quest to make, which I begged he would grant before dinner, and that was the loan of a shirt—for, although my back had been many weeks a stranger to any comfort of that kind, my skin was not yet quite [...]amiliarised to the want of it. He stared in my face, with a woful counte­nance, at this declaration, which he could scarce believe, until I explained it by unbuttoning my coat, and disclo­sing my naked body; a circumstance that shocked the [Page 52] [...] Strap, who with tears in his e [...]es ran to a chest of drawers, and, taking out some linen, presented to me a very fine ruffled holland shirt, and cambric neck-cloth, assuring me he had three dozen of the same kind at my service. I was ravished at this piece of good news, and, having accommodated myself in a moment, hugged my benefactor for his generous offer, saying I was overjoyed to find him undebanched by prosperity, which seldom fails of corrupting the heart. He bespoke for dinner some soup and bouille, a couple of pullets roasted, and a dish of aspa­ragus, and in the interim entertained me with biscuit and Burgundy; after which repast, he entreated me to gratify his longing desire of knowing every circumstance of my for­tune since his departure from London. This I complied with, beginning at the adventure of Gawky, and relating every particular event in which I had been concerned from that day to the present hour. During the recital, my friend was strongly affected, according to the various situations described; he started with surprise, glowed with indigna­tion, gaped with curiosity, smiled with pleasure, trembled with fear, and wept with sorrow, as the vicissitudes of my life inspired these different passions; and, when my story was ended, signified his amazement on the whole by lift­ing up his eyes and hands, and protesting, that, though I was a young man, I had suffered more than all the blessed martyrs.

After dinner I desired, in my turn, to know the parti­culars of his p [...]grination, and he satisfied me in a few words, by giving me to understand, that he had lived a year at Paris with his master, who, in that time having acquired the language, and well as the fashionable exercises, to perfection, made the tour of France and Holland, during which excursion he was so unfortunate as to meet with three of his own countrymen on their travels, in whose company he committed such excesses, that his con­stitution failed, and he fell into a consumption; that, by the advice of physicians, he went to Montpelier for the benefit of good air, and recovered so well in six weeks, that he returned to Rheims seemingly in good health, where he had not continued above a month, when he was [...]eized with a looseness that carried him off in ten days, to the unspeakable sorrow of all who knew him, and espe­cially [Page 53] of Strap, who had been very happy in his service, and given such satisfaction, that his master on his death­bed recommended him to several persons of distinction for his diligence, sobriety, and affection, and left him by will his wearing apparel, gold-watch, sword, rings, ready money, and all the moveables he had in France, to the value of three hundred pounds, "which I now," said he, ‘in the sight of God and man, surrender to your absolute disposal: here are my keys; take them, I beseech you, and God give you joy of the possession.’ My brain was almost turned with this sudden change of fortune, which I could scarce believe real; however, I positively refused this extravagant proffer of my friend, and put him in mind of my being a soldier; at which he started, crying, ‘Odso! that's true—We must procure your discharge—I have some interest with a nobleman who is able to do me that favour.’ We consulted about this affair, and it was determined, that Monsieur d'Estrapes should wait upon the marquis in the morning, and tell him he had by accident found his brother, whom he had not seen for many years before, a private soldier in the regiment of Picardy, and implore that nobleman's interest for his dis­charge. In the mean time we enjoyed ourselves over a bottle of good Burgundy, and spent the evening in con­certing schemes for our future conduct, in case I should be so lucky as to get rid of the army. The business was to make ourselves easy for life by means of his legacy, a task very difficult, and, in the usual methods of laying out money, altogether impracticable; so that, after much canvassing, we could come to no resolution that night, but, when we parted, recommended the matter to the se­rious attention of each other. As for my own part, I puz­zled my imagination to no purpose; when I thought of turning merchant, the smallness of our stock, and the risk of seas, enemies, and markets, deterred me from that scheme. If I should settle as a surgeon in my own coun­try, I would find the business already overstocked, or, if I pretended to set up in England, must labour under want of friends, and powerful opposition, obstacles unsurmount­able by the most shining merit; neither should I succeed in my endeavours to rise in the state, inasmuch as I could neither flatter nor pimp for courtiers, nor prostitute my [Page 54] pen in defence of a wicked and contemptible administra­tion. Before I could form any feasible project, I fell asleep, and my fancy was blessed with the image of my dear Narcissa, who seemed to smile upon my passion, and offer her hand as a reward for all my toils.

Early in the morning, I went to the lodgings of my friend, whom I found exulting over his happy invention; for I no sooner entered his apartment, than he addressed me in these words, with a smile of self applause: ‘Well, Mr. Random, a lucky thought may come into a fool's head sometimes—I have hit it—I'll hold you a button my plan is better than yours, for all your learning.—But you shall have the preference in this as in all other things; therefore proceed, and let us know the effects of your meditation—and then I will impart my own sim­ple excogitations.’—I told him, that not one thought occurred to me which deserved the least notice, and signi­fied my impatience to be acquainted with the fruits of his reflection.—"As we have not," said he, ‘money suffici­ent to maintain us during a tedious expectation, it is my opinion, that a bold push must be made, and I see none so likely to succeed as your appearing in the cha­racter of a gentleman, which is your due, and making your addresses to some lady of fortune who can render you independent at once—Nay, don't stare—I affirm that this scheme is both prudent and honourable; for I would not have you throw yourself away upon an old toothless, wheezing dame, whose breath would stink you into a consumption in less than three months; neither would I advise you to assume the character of a wealthy squire, as your common fortune-hunters do, by which means many a poor lady is cheated into ma­trimony, and instead of enjoying the pomp and gran­deur that was promised, sees her dowry seized by her husband's rapacious creditors, and herself reduced to misery and despair.—No, I know you have a soul that disdains such imposition; and are master of qualifica­tions both of mind and body, which alone entitle you to a match that will set you above the world.—I have clothes in my possession, that a duke need not be asham­ed to wear.—I believe they will fit you as they are, if not, there are plenty of taylors in France.—Let us [Page 55] take a short trip to Paris, and provide ourselves with all other necessaries, then set out for England, where I intend to do myself the honour of attending you in quality of a valet.—This will save you the expence of a servant, shaving and dressing; and I doubt not but, by the blessing of God, we shall bring matters to a speedy and fortunate issue.’—Extravagant as this proposal was, I listened to it with pleasure, because it flattered my vanity, and indulged a ridiculous hope I began to enter­tain of inspiring Narcissa with a mutual flame.

After breakfast, Monsieur d'Estrapes went to pay his devoirs to the Marquis, and was so successful in his ap­plication, that I obtained a discharge in a few days, upon which we set out for Paris.—Here I had time to reflect and congratulate myself upon this sudden transition of fate, which, to bear with moderation, required some de­gree of philosophy and self-denial.—This will be more ob­vious, if I give a detail of the particulars, to the quiet possession of which I was raised in an instant, from the most abject misery and contempt.—My wardrobe consist­ed of five fashionable coats, full mounted; two of which were plain, one of cut velvet, one trimmed with gold, and another with silver lace; two frocks, one a white drab with large plate buttons, and the other of blue, with gold binding; one waistcoat of gold brocade; one of blue satin embroidered with silver; one of green silk, trimmed with broad figured gold lace; one of black silk with fring­es; one of white satin; one of black cloth, and one of scarlet; six pair of cloth [...]reeches; one pair of crim­son, and another of black velvet; twelve pair of white silk stockings, as many of black silk, and the same num­ber of fine cotton; one hat, laced with gold point d' Es­pagne, another with silver lace scolloped, a third with gold binding, and a fourth plain; three dozen of fine ruffled shirts; as many neckcloths; one dozen of cambric hand­kerchiefs, and the like number of silk. The other move­ables which I possessed by the generosity and friendship of Strap, were, a gold watch with a chased case, two va­luable diamond rings, two mourning swords, one with a silver handle, and a fourth cut steel inlaid with gold; a diamond stock-buckle, and a set of stone buckles for the knees and shoes; a pair of silver-mounted pistols with [Page 56] rich housings, a gold-headed cane, and a snuff-box of tortoise-shell mounted with gold, having the picture of a lady in the lid.—The gentleman had left many other things of value, which my friend had converted into cash before I met with him, so that over and above these particulars, our stock in ready money amounted to something more than two hundred pounds.

Thus equipt, I put on the gentleman of figure, and attended by my honest friend, who was contented with the station of my valet, visited the Louvre, examined the gallery of Luxemburgh, and appeared at Versailles, where I had the honor of seeing his Most Christian Majesty eat a considerable quantity of olives.—During the month I spent at Paris, I went several times to court, the Italian opera, and play-house, danced at the masquerade, and, in short, saw every thing remarkable in and about the capi­tal.—After which we set out for England by the way of Flanders, passed through Brussels, Ghent, and Bruges, and took shipping at Ostend, from whence in fourteen hours we arrived at Deal, hired a post-chaise, and in twelve hours more got safe to London; having disposed of our heavy baggage in the waggon.

CHAP. IX.

AS soon as we alighted at the inn, I dispatched Strap to enquire for my uncle, at the Union Flag in Wapping; and he returned in a little time with an ac­count of Mr. Bowling's having gone to sea, mate of a merchant ship, after a long and unsuccessful application and attendance at the admiralty; where it seems the in­terest he depended upon, was not sufficient to reinstate him, or recover the pay that was due to him when he quitted the Thunder.

Next day I hired very handsome lodgings not far from Charing-cross; and in the evening dressed myself in a [Page 57] plain suit of the true Paris cut, and appeared in a front box at the play, where I saw a good deal of company, and was vain enough to believe that I was observed with an uncommon degree of attention and applause. This silly conceit intoxicated me so much, that I was guilty of a thousand ridiculous coquetries, and I dare say, how favourable soever the thoughts of the company might be at my first appearance, they were soon changed by my absurd behaviour into pity or contempt.—I rose up and sat down, covered and uncovered my head twenty times between the acts; pulled out my watch, clapped it to my ear, wound it up, set it, gave it the hearing again; displayed my snuff-box, affected to take snuff, that I might have an opportunity of shewing my brilliant, and wiped my nose with a perfumed handkerchief;—then dangled my cane, and adjusted my sword-k [...]ot, and acted many more fooleries of the same kind, in hopes of attain­ing the character of a pretty fellow, in the acquiring of which, I found two considerable obstructions in my dis­position; namely, a natural reserve, and jealous sensibili­ty.—Fain would I have entered into conversation with the people around me; but was restrained by the fear of being censured for my assurance, as well as by reflecting that I was more entitled to a compliment of this kind from them, than they to such condescension from a stranger like me.—How often did I redden at the frequent whispers and loud laughter of my fellow beaux, which I imagined were excited by me! and how often did I envy the happy indifference of those choice spirits who beheld the distress of the scene, without discovering the least symptom of approbation or concern! My attention was engaged in spite of myself, and I could not help weeping with the heroine of the stage; though I practised a great many shifts to conceal this piece of impolite weakness.—When the play was ended, I [...]at waiting for an opportunity of handing some lady to her coach; but every one was at­tended by such a number of officious gallants, that for a long time I was baulked in my expectation.—At length▪ however, I perceived a very handsome creature, genteely dressed, sitting by herself in a box, at some distance from me; upon which I went up to her, and offered my service.—She seemed to be in some confusion, thanked me for [Page 58] my complaisance, and with a tender look declined giving me the trouble; looking at her watch, and testifying her surprise at the negligence of her footman, whom she had ordered to have a chair ready for her at that hour.—I re­peated my intreaty with all the eloquence and compliment I was master of; and in the event, she was prevailed upon to accept of a proposal I made to send my servant for a chair or coach. Accordingly▪ Strap was detached for that purpose, and returned without success, there being none to be found; by this time the play-house was quite empty, and we were obliged to retire: as I led her through the passage, I observed five or six young fellows of fashion, standing in a corner, one of whom, as I thought, tipt my charmer the wink, and when we were past, I heard them set up a loud laugh.—This aroused my at­tention, and I was resolved to be fully satisfied of this la­dy's character before I should have any nearer connection with her.—As no convenience appeared, I proposed, that I should conduct her to a tavern, where we might stay a few minutes, till my servant could fetch a coach from the Strand.—She seemed particularly shy of trusting her­self in a tavern with a stranger; but at last yielded to my pathetic r [...]monstrances, rather than endanger her health, by remaining in a cold damp thorough-fare.—Having thus far succeeded, I begged to know what wine she would be pleased to drink a glass of; but she professed the great­est aversion to all sorts of strong liquors; and it was with much difficulty that I could persuade her to eat a jelly.—In the mean time, I endeavoured to alleviate the uneasi­ness she discovered, by saying all the agreeable things I could think of; at which she would often sigh, and regard me with a languishing look, that seemed, however, too near a kin to the lewd leer of a courtezan.—This discovery ad­ded to my former suspicion, while it put me upon my guard against her arts, divested me of reserve, and ena­bled me to entertain her with gaiety and freedom. In the course of our conversation I pressed her [...]o allow me the honour of waiting upon her next day at her lodgings, which she, with many apologies, refused, lest it should give umbrage to Sir John, who was of a disposition apt to be fretted with trifles. This information, by which I was to understand that her husband was a knight, did not [Page 59] check my addresses, which became more and more impor­tunate, and I was even hardy enough to ravish a kiss.—But, O heavens! instead of banqueting on the ambrosial flavour that her delicacy and complexion promised, I was almost suffocated with the steams of Geneva! An exhala­tion of this kind from a mouth which had just before de­clared an utter abhorrence of all spirituous liquors, not on­ly changed my doubts into certainty, but my raptures into loathing; and it would have been impossible for me to have preserved common complaisance five minutes longer, when my servant returned with a coach.—I took the advantage of this occasion, and presented my hand to the lady, who put in practice against me the whole artillery of her charms, ogling, languishing, sighing, and squeezing, with so lit­tle reserve, that Strap perceived her tenderness, and rub­bed his hands with joy as he followed us to the door;—but I was proof against all her endearments, and handed her into the coach with an intention to take my leave im­mediately. She guessed my design, and invited me to her house, whispering, that now Sir John was gone to bed, she could have the pleasure of my conversation for half an hour without interruption.—I told her there was no mortification I would not undergo, rather than endan­ger the repose of her ladyship; and bidding the coach­man drive on, wished her a good night. She lost all tem­per at my indifference, and stopping the coach at the di­stance of about twenty yards from me, popped out her head, and bawled with the lungs of a fish-woman, ‘D—n you, you dog, won't you pay the coach hire?’ I made no answer: upon which she held forth against me with an eloquence peculiar to herself; calling me pitiful fellow, scoundrel, and an hundred such appellations; and con­cluding with an oath, that for all my appearance, she be­lieved I had got no money in my pocket.

Having thus vented her indignation, she ordered the coachman to proceed, and I returned to the tavern, where I bespoke something for supper, very well pleased at the issue of this adventure.—I dispensed with the attendance of the waiter at table, on pretence that my own servant was present, and when we were alone, said to Strap; ‘Well, Monsieur d'Estrapes, what d'ye think of this la­dy?’ My friend, who had not opened his mouth since [Page 60] her departure, could make no other answer than the mono­syllable, "Think!" which he pronounced with a note of fear and astonishment.—Surprised at this emphasis, I surveyed my valet, and, perceiving a wildness in his looks, asked if he had seen his grandfather's ghost?—"Ghost!" said he, ‘I am sure I have seen a devil incarnate! Who would have thought that so much devilish malice and Billingsgate, could lurk under such sweetness of coun­tenance and modesty of behaviour? Ah! God help us! Fronti nulla fides—nimium ne credi colori—but we ought to down on our knees and bless God for delivering us from the jaws of that painted sepulchre.’—I was pretty much of Strap's opinion, and though I did not believe my­self in any danger from the allurements of that sisterhood, I determined to act with great circumspection for the future, and shun all commerce of that kind, as equally prejudicial to my purse and constitution.

My next care was to introduce myself into a set of good acquaintance; for which purpose I frequented a certain coffee-house, noted for the resort of good company, Eng­lish as well as foreigners, where my appearance procured all the civilities and advances I could desire. There be­ing an ordinary in the same house, I went up stairs to dinner with the other guests, and found myself at table with thirteen people, the greatest part of whom were better dressed than myself.—The conversation, which was mostly carried on in French, turned chiefly on politics; and I soon found the whole company was in the French interest, myself excepted, and a testy old gentleman, who contradicted every thing that was advanced in favour of his most Christian Majesty, with a surliness truly English.—But this [...] patriot, who had never been out of his own country, and drew all his maxims and notions from prejudice and hearsay, was very unequal to his antago­nists, who were superior to him in learning and experi­ence, and often took the liberty of travellers, in asserting things which were not strictly true, because they thought themselves in no danger of being detected by him.—The claim of the queen of Spain to the Austrian dominions in Italy, was fully explained and vindicated, by a person who sat opposite to me, and by the solemnity of his man­ner, and the richness of his apparel, seemed to be a fo­reign [Page 61] ambassador.—This dissertation introduced another on the Pragmatic Sanction, handled with great warmth, by a young gentleman at my right hand, dressed in a green frock trimmed with gold, who justified the French king for his breach of that contract; and affirmed, that he could not have observed it, without injuring his own glory.—Although I was not at all convinced by this gen­tleman's arguments, I could not help admiring his viva­city, which I imagined must be the effect of his illustri­ous birth, and noble education, and accordingly rated him in my conjecture as a young prince on his travels.—The discourse was afterwards shifted by an old gentleman of a very martial appearance, to the last campaign, when the battle of Dettingen was fought over again, with so many circumstances to the honor of the French, and dis­advantage of the allies, that I began to entertain some doubts of my having been there in person; and took the liberty to mention some objections to what he advanced.

This freedom introduced a dispute which lasted a good while, to the mortification of all present; and was at last re­ferred to the determination of a grave person, whom they stiled doctor, and who, under a shew of great moderation, de­cided it against me, with so little regard to truth, that I taxed him with partiality in pretty severe terms, to the no small entertainment of the true English politician, who rejoiced at my defence of a cause he had so often espous­ed without success: my opponent, pleased with the vic­tory he had gained, affected a great deal of candour, and told me he should not have been so positive, if he had not been at great pains to inform himself of each particular.—"Indeed," said he, ‘I am convinced, that the pre­vious steps considered, things could not happen other­wise; for we generals who have seen service, though we may not be on the spot ourselves, know by the least sketch of the disposition, what must be the event.’—He then censured with great freedom, every circumstance of the conduct of those who commanded the allies; from thence made a transition to the ministry, which he ho­noured with many invectives, for employing people who had neither experience nor capacity, to the prejudice of old officers who had been distinguished for both; dropt many hints of his own importance; and concluded with [Page 62] observing, that the French and Spaniards know better how to value generals of merit; the good effects of which are seen in the conquests they gain, and the admirable discipline of their troops, which are at the same time bet­ter clothed and paid than any soldiers in the universe. These remarks furnished the green knight with an oppor­tunity of launching out into the praise of the French govern­ment in general, civil as well as military; on which occa­sion he made many odious comparisons to the disadvan­tage of the English. Every body almost assented to the observations he made, and the doctor gave his sanction, by saying, the people of France were undoubtedly the happiest subjects in the world.—I was so much asto­nished and confounded at their infatuation and effrontery, that I had not power to utter one word in opposition to their assertions; but my morose associate could not put up with the indignity that was offered to old England, and therefore with a satirical grin addressed himself to the general in these words: ‘Sir, Sir, I have often heard it said, She's a villainous bird that befouls her own nest.—As for what those people, who are foreigners, say, I don't mind it, they know no better; but you who were bred and born, and have got your bread under the English government, should have more regard to gratitude as well as truth, in censuring your native country.—If the ministry have thought fit to lay you aside, I suppose they have their own reasons for so do­ing; and you ought to remember that you still live on the bounty of th [...] nation.—As for these gentlemen, (meaning the prince and ambassador,) who make so free with our constitution, laws and genius of our peo­ple, I think they might shew a little more respect for their benefactors, who, I must own, are to blame in harbouring, protecting and encouraging such ungrateful vagrants as they are.’—At these words the chevalier in green started up in a great passion, and laying his hand on the hilt of his hanger, exclaimed, "Ha! foutre!"—The Englishman, on the other hand, grasping his cane, cried, ‘Don't foutre me, sirrah, or by G—d I'll knock you down.’—The company interposed, the Frenchman sat down again, and his antagonist proceeded.— ‘Lookee, Monsieur, you know very well that had you dared to [Page 63] speak so freely of the administration of your own coun­try in Paris, as you have done of ours in London, you would have been sent to the Bastile without ceremony, where you might have rotted in a dungeon, and never seen the light of the sun again.—Now, Sir, take my word for it, although our constitution screens us from such oppression, we want not laws to chastise the authors of seditious discourse; and if I hear another syllable out of your mouth, in contempt or prejudice of this king­dom, I will give you a convincing proof of what I ad­vance, and have you laid by the heels for your pre­sumption.’—This declaration had an effect on the company, as sudden as surprising.—The young prince be­came as supple as a spaniel, the ambassador trembled, the general sat silent and abashed, and the doctor, who, it seems, had felt the rod of power, grew pale as death, and assured us all, that he had no intention to affront any per­son or people.— ‘Your principles, doctor, (resumed the old gentleman,) are no secret—I have nothing to say upon that head; but am very much surprised that a man who despises us so much, should notwithstanding live among us when he has no visible motive for so doing.—Why don't you take up your habitation in your beloved France, where you may rail at England without censure!’—To this the doctor thought fit to make no reply; and an unsocial silence ensued; which I perceiving, took notice, that it was pity idle disputes, maintained very often for whim or diversion, should create any misunderstanding among gentlemen of good sense; and proposed to drink down all animosity in another bot­tle.—This motion was applauded by the whole company: the wine was brought, and the English champion declar­ing he had no spleen against any man for differing in opi­nion from him, any more than for difference of complex­ion, drank to the good health of all present; the com­pliment was returned, and the conversation once more be­came unreserved, though more general than before.—Among other topics, the subject of war was introduced, on which the general declaimed with great eloquence, re­counting many of his own exploits by way of illustration.—In the course of this harangue he happened to mention the word epaulement, upon which the testy gentleman [Page 64] asked the meaning of that term.— ‘I'll tell you what an epaulement is, replied he—"I never saw an epaulement but once—and that was at the siege of Namur—In a council of war, Monsieur Cohorn, the famous engineer, affirmed, that the place could not be taken.—Yes,’ said the prince of Vaudemont, ‘it may be taken by an epaulement.—This was immediately put in execution, and in twenty-four hours Marshal Boufflers was fain to capitulate.’—Here he made a full stop, and the old gentleman repeated the question, ‘But, pray, what is an epaulement?’—To this the officer made no immedi­ate reply, but rung the bell and called for a bill, which being brought, he threw down his proportion of the reckoning, and telling the company he would shew them what an epaulement is, when his Majesty thought fit to intrust him with the command of our army abroad, strut­ted away with great dignity—I could not imagine why he was so shy of explaining one of the most simple terms of fortification; which I forthwith described as a side­work composed of earth, gabions, or fascines; but I was very much surprised when I afterwards understood that this reserve proceeded from his ignorance.—Having paid our bill, we adjourned to the coffee-room, where my fellow­labourer insisted on treating me with a dish, giving me to understand at the same time, that I had acquired his good opinion, both with respect to my principles and intellects.—I thanked him for his compliment, and professing my­self an utter stranger in this part of the world, begged he would have the goodness to inform me of the quality and characters of the people who dined above.—This request was a real favour to one of his disposition, which was no less communicative than curious; he therefore complied with great satisfaction, and told me, to my extreme astonishment, that the supposed young prince was a dan­cer at one of the theatres; and the ambassador no other than a fidler belonging to the opera. "The doctor," said he, ‘is a Roman Catholic priest, who sometimes ap­pears in the character of an officer, and assumes the name of captain; but more generally takes the garb, title and behaviour of a physician, in which capacity he wheedles himself into the confidence of weak-mind­ed people, and by arguments no less specious than [Page 65] false, converts them from their religion and allegiance.—He has been in the hands of justice more than once for such practices; but he is a sly dog, and manages matters with such craft, that hitherto he has escaped for a short imprisonment.—As for the general, you may see he has owed his promotion more to his interest than to his capacity; and now that the eyes of the ministry are opened, his friends dead, or become in­considerable, he is struck off the li [...]t, and obliged to put up with a yearly pension; in consequence of this re­duction, he is become malcontent, and inveighs against the government in all companies with so little discre­tion, that I am surprised at the lenity of the admini­stration in overlooking his insolence; but the truth of the matter is, he owes his safety to his weakness and want of importance.—He has seen a little, and but a little service; and yet if you will take his word for it, there has not been a great action performed in the field since the Revolution, in which he was not principally concerned. When a story is told of any great general, he immediately matches it with one of himself, though he is often unhappy in his invention, and commits such gross blunders in the detail, that every body is in pain for him.—Caesar, Pompey, and Alexander the Great, are continually in his mouth; and as he reads a good deal without any judgment to digest it, his ideas are confused, and his harangues as unintelligible as infi­nite; for once he begins, there is no chance of his leaving off speaking, while one person remains to yield attention; therefore the only expedient I know for putting a stop to his loquacity, is to lay hold of some incongruity he has uttered, and demand an explana­tion; or ask the meaning of some difficult term that he knows by name only; this will effectually put him to silence, if not to flight, as it happened when I en­quired about an epaulement. Had he been acquainted with the signification of that word, his triumph would have been intolerable, and we must have quitted the field first, or been worried with impertinence.’ Having thus gratified my curiosity, the old gentleman began to discover his own in questions relating to myself, to which I thought proper to return ambiguous answers. ‘I pre­sume, [Page 66] Sir,’ said he, ‘you have travelled. I answered, Yes.’—"I dare say you will find it very expensive," said he. I replied, ‘To be sure one cannot travel with­out money.’—"That I know by experience," said he; ‘for I myself take a trip to Bath or Tunbridge every season; and one must pay sauce for what he has upon the road as well in other countries as in this—That's a very pretty stone in your ring—give me leave, Sir—the French have attained to a wonderful skill in making compositions of this kind. Why now, this looks almost as well as a diamond.’—"Almost as well, Sir," said I, ‘why not altogether? I am sure, if you understand any thing of jewels, you must perceive at first sight, that this stone is a real diamond, and that of a very fine water.—Take it in your hand and examine it.’ He did so with some confusion, and returned it, saying, ‘I ask your pardon; I see it is a true brilliant of immense value.’ I imagined his respect for me increased after this inquiry; therefore to captivate his esteem the more, I told him I would shew him a seal of composition, en­graved after a very valuable antique; upon which I pulled out my watch with a rich gold chain, adorned with three seals set in gold, and an opal ring. He viewed each of [...]hem with great eagerness, handled the chain, admired the chased case, and observed, that the whole must have cost me a vast sum of money. I affected indifference, and replied in a careless manner, ‘Some trifle of sixty or se­venty guineas:’ upon which he stared in my face for some time, and then asked me if I was an Englishman? I answered in the negative. ‘You are from Ireland then, Sir, I presume,’ said he. I made the same reply. "Oh! perhaps," said he, ‘you were born in one of our settlements abroad.’ I still answered, "No." He seemed very much surprised, and said, he was sure I was not a foreigner. I made no reply, but left him upon the tenter-hooks of impatient uncertainty. He could not con­tain his anxiety, but asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, and, to encourage me the more to disclose my situ­ation, displayed his own without reserve.—"I am," said he, ‘a single man, have a considerable annuity on which I live according to my own inclination, and make the ends of the year meet very comfortably. As I have no [Page 67] estate to leave behind me, I am not troubled with the importunate officiousness of relations, or legacy-hunt­ers, and I consider the world as made for me, not me for the world: it is my maxim, therefore, to enjoy it while I can, and let futurity shift for itself.’ While he thus indulged his own talkative vein, and at the same time, no doubt, expected a retaliation from me, a young man entered, dressed in black velvet and an enormous tie­wig, with an air in which natural levity and affected so­lemnity were so jumbled together, that on the whole he appeared a burlesque on all decorum. This ridiculous od­dity danced up to the table at which we sat, and, after a thousand grimaces, asked my friend by the name of Mr. Medlar, if we were not engaged upon business? My com­panion put on a surly countenance, and replied, ‘No great business, doctor—but, however’—"O then," cried the physician, ‘I must beg your indulgence a little; pray pardon me, gentlemen. Sir,’ said he, addressing himself to me, ‘your most humble servant, I hope you will forgive me, Sir—I must beg the favour to sit—Sir—Sir, I have something of consequence to impart to my friend Mr. Medlar—Sir, I hope you will excuse my freedom in whispering, Sir.’ Before I had time to give this complaisant person my permission, Mr. Medlar cried, ‘I'll have no whispering—if you have any thing to say to me, speak with an audible voice.’ The doc­tor seemed a little disconcerted at this exclamation, and turning again to me, making a thousand apologies for pretending to make a mystery of any thing, which he said was owing to his ignorance of my connection with Mr. Medlar, but, now he understood I was a friend, he would communicate what he had to say in my hearing. He then began, after two or three hems, in this manner: ‘You must know, Sir, I am just come from dinner at my Lady Flareit's,’ then addressing himself to me, ‘a lady of quality, Sir, at whose table I have the honour of dining sometimes. There was Lady Stately, and my Lady Larum, and Mrs. Dainty, and Miss Biddy Gig­l [...]r, upon my word a very good natured young lady, with a very pretty fortune, Sir. There was also my Lord Straddle, Sir John Shrug, and Master Billy Chat­ter, who is actually a very facetious young gentle­man. [Page 68] So, Sir, her ladyship seeing me excessively fa­tigued, for she was the last of fifteen patients (people of distinction, Sir) whom I had visited this forenoon, insisted upon my staying dinner—though, upon my word, I protest I had no appetite; however, in com­pliance with her ladyship's request, Sir, I sat down, and the conversation turning on different subjects, among other things, Mr. Chatter asked very earnestly, when I saw Mr. Medlar? I told him I had not had the pleasure of seeing you these nineteen hours and a half; for you may remember, Sir, it was nearly about that time; I won't be positive as to a minute.—No! says he; then I desire you will go to his lodgings immedi­ately after dinner, and see what is the matter with him; for he must certainly be very bad, from having last night eat such a vast quantity of raw oysters.’ The crusty gentleman, who, from the solemnity of his delivery, expected something extraordinary, no sooner heard his con­clusion than he started up in a testy humour, crying, "Pshaw, pshaw! d—n your oysters," and walked away after a short compliment of "Your servant, Sir," to me. The doctor got up also, saying, ‘I vow and protest, upon my word, I am actually amazed;’ and followed Mr. Medlar to the bar, which [...]as hard by, where he was pay­ing for the coffee; there [...] [...]hispered so loud, that I could overhear, "Pray who is [...] [...]entleman?" His friend re­plied, hastily, ‘I might have known that before now, if it had not been for your impertinent intrusion;’ and walked off very much disappointed. The ceremonious physician returned immediately, and sat down by me, ask­ing a thousand pardons for leaving me alone, and giving me to understand, that what he had communicated to Mr. Medlar at the bar was an affair of the last importance, that would admit of no delay. He then called for some coffee, and launched out into the virtues of that berry, which he said, in cold phlegmatic constitutions like his, dried up the superfluous moisture, and braced the relaxed nerves. He told me, that it was utterly unknown to the ancients, and derived it name from an Arabian word, which I might easily perceive by the sound and termina­tion. From this topic he transferred his disquisition to the word drink, which he affirmed was improperly applied [Page 69] to the taking of coffee, inasmuch as people did not drink but sip or sipple that liquor—that the genuine meaning of drinking is to quench one's thirst, or commit a debauch by swallowing wine—that the Latin word, which convey­ed the same idea, was bibere or potare, and that of the Greeks pinein or poteein, though he was apt to believe they were indifferently used on different occasions: for example, to drink a vast quantity, or, as the vulgar express it, to drink an ocean of liquor, was in Latin potare, and in Greek poteein; and, on the other hand, to use it mode­rately, was bibere and pinein—that this was only a conjecture of his own, which, however, seemed to be supported by the word bibulous, which is particularly applied to the pores of the skin, that can only drink a very small quan­tity of the circumambient moisture, by reason of the small­ness of their diameters—whereas, from the verb poteein is derived the substantive potamos, which signifies a river, or vast quantity of liquor. I could not help smiling at this learned and important investigation, and to recommend myself the more to my new acquaintance, whose disposi­tion I was by this time well informed of, I observed, that what he alledged did not, to the best of my remembrance, appear in the writings of the ancients; for Horace uses the words poto and bibo indifferently for the same purpose, as in the twentieth ode of his first book;

that I had never heard of the verb poteein, but that pot [...] ­mos, potema, and potos, were derived from pino, poso, pe­poka, in consequence of which, the Greek poets never use any other word for festal drinking. Homer describes Nestor at his cups in these words:

and Anacreon mentions it on the same occasion almost in every page;

and in a thousand other places. The doctor, who doubt­less [Page 70] intended by his criticism to give me a high idea of his erudition, was infinitely surprised to find himself schooled by one of my appearance, and, after a considerable pause, cried, ‘Upon my word, you are in the right, Sir—I find I have not considered this affair with my usual ac­curacy.’ Then accosting me in Latin, which he spoke very well, the conversation was maintained full two hours on a variety of subjects, in that language: and indeed he spoke so judiciously, that I was convinced, notwithstand­ing his whimsical appearance, and attention to trifles, that he was a man of extensive knowledge, especially in books; he looked upon me, as I afterwards understood from Mr. Med [...]ar, as a prodigy in learning, and proposed that very night, if I was not engaged, to introduce me to several young gentlemen of fortune and fashion, with whom he had an appointment at the Bedford coffee-house.

CHAP. X.

I ACCEPTED his offer with pleasure, and we went thither in a hackney-coach, where I saw a great number of gay figures fluttering about, most of whom spoke to the doctor with great familiarity. Among the rest stood a group of them around the fire, whom I immediately knew to be the very persons who had the night before, by their laughing, alarmed my suspicions of the lady who had put herself under my protection. They no sooner perceived me enter with Dr. Wagtail, (for that was my companion's name,) than they tittered and whispered one to another; and I was not a little surprised to find, that they were the gentlemen to whose acquaintance he designed to recom­mend me; for, when he observed them together, he told me who they were, and desired to know by what name he should introduce me. I satisfied him in that particular, and he advanced with great gravity, saying, ‘Gentlemen, your most obedient. Give me leave to introduce my friend Mr. Random to your society.’ Then turning [Page 71] to me, ‘Mr. Random, this is Mr. Bragwell—Mr. Ban­ter, Sir—Mr. Chatter—my friend, Mr. Slyboot, and Mr. Ranter, Sir.’ I saluted each of them in order, and, when I came to take Mr. Slyboot by the hand, I perceived him thrust his tongue in his che [...]k, to the no small entertainment of the company; but I did not think proper to take any notice of it on this occasion. Mr. Ranter too (who I afterwards learned was a player) displayed his talents by mimicking my air, features, and voice, while he returned my compliment; this feat I should not have been so sensible of, had I not seen him behave in the same manner to my friend Wagtail, when he made up to them at first. But for once I let him enjoy the fruits of his dexterity without question or controul, resolved, however, to chastise his insolence at a more convenient opportunity. Mr. Slyboot, guessing I was a stranger, asked if I had lately been in France? and, when I answered in the affirma­tive, inquired if I had seen the Luxemburgh galley? I told him I had considered it more than once with great attention: upon this a conversation ensued, in which I discovered him to be a painter. While we were discoursing upon the particulars of this famous performance. I over­heard Banter ask Dr. Wagtail, where he had picked up this Mr. Random? To which question the physician an­swered, ‘Upon my word, a mighty pretty sort of a gen­tleman—a man of fortune, Sir—he has made the grand tour, and seen the best company in Europe, Sir.’—"What, he told you so, I suppose?" said the other; ‘I take him to be neither more nor less than a French valet de chambre.’—"O! barbarous, barbarous!" cried the doctor; ‘this is actually, upon my word, al­together unaccountable. I know all his family perfectly well, Sir—he's of the Randoms in the north—a very ancient house, Sir, and a distant relation of mine.’—I was extremely nettled at the conjecture of Mr. Banter, and began to entertain a very indifferent opinion of my company in general: but, as I might possibly by their means acquire a more extensive and agreeable acquaint­ance, I determined to bear these little mortifications as long as I could without injuring the dignity of my cha­racter. After having talked for some time on the wea­ther, plays, politics, and other coffee-house subjects, it [Page 72] was proposed we should spend the evening at a noted tavern in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired in a body. Having taken possession of a room, called for French wine, and bespoke supper, the glass went about pretty freely, and the characters of my associates opened upon me more and more. It soon appeared that the doctor was entertained as a butt for the painter and player to exercise their wit upon for the diversion of the company. Mr. Ranter began the game by asking him what was good for hoarseness, lowness of spirits, and indigestion, for he was troubled with all these complaints to a very great degree. Wagtail immediately undertook to explain the nature of his case, and, in a very prolix manner, harangued upon prognostics, diagnostics, symptomatics, therapeutics, in­anition, and repletion; then calculated the force of the stomach and lungs in their respective operations, ascribed the player's malady to a disorder in these organs proceed­ing from hard drinking and vociferation, and prescribed a course of stomachics, with abstinence from venery, wine, loud speaking, laughing, singing, coughing, sneezing, or hallooing. "Pah, pah," cried Ranter, interrupting him, ‘the remedy is worse than the disease—I wish I knew where to find some tinder-water.’— ‘Tinder­water!’ said the doctor; ‘upon my word I don't apprehend you, Mr. Ranter.’— ‘Water extracted from tinder,’ replied the other; ‘an universal specific for all distempers incident to man. It was invented by a learned German monk, who for a valuable consideration imparted the secret to Paracelsus.’—"Pardon m [...]," cried the painter, ‘it was first used by Solomon, as ap­pears by a Greek manuscript in his own hand-writing, lately found at the foot of Mount Lebanon by a pea­sant who was digging for potatoes.’—"Well," said Wagtail, ‘in all my vast reading I never met with such a preparation! neither did I know till this minute, that Solomon understood Greek, or that potatoes grew in Palestine.’ Here Banter interposed, saying, he was surprised Doctor Wagtail should make the least doubt of Solomon's understanding Greek, when he is represented to us as the wisest and best educated prince in the world; and as for potatoes, they were transplanted thither from Ire­land, in the time of the Crusades, by some knights of that [Page 73] country. "I profess," said the doctor, ‘there is nothing more likely—I would actually give a vast sum for a sight of that manuscript, which must be inestimable—and, if I understood the process, would set about it immediate­ly.’ The player assured him, that the process was very simple—that he must cram a hundred weight of dry tinder into a glass retort, and, distilling it by the force of animal heat, it would yield half a scruple of insipid water, one drop of which is a full dose. "Upon my integrity!" ex­claimed the credulous doctor, ‘this is amazing and ex­traordinary, that a caput mortuum shall yield any water at all!—I must own I have always been an enemy to specifics, which I thought inconsistent with the na­ture of the animal oeconomy; but certainly the autho­rity of Solomon is not to be questioned—I wonder where I shall find a glass retort large enough to contain such a vast quantity of tinder, the consumption of which must undoubtedly raise the price of paper—or where shall I find animal heat sufficient even to warm such a mass?’—Slyboot informed him, that he might have a retort blown for him as big as a church, and that the easiest method of raising the vapour by animal heat would be to place it in the middle of an infirmary for fe­verish patients, who might lie upon matrasses around, and in contact with it. He had no sooner pronounced these words than Wagtail exclaimed in a rapture, ‘An admi­rable expedient, as I hope to be saved! I will positively put it in practice.’ This simplicity of the physician furnished excellent diversion for the company, who in their turns sneered at him in ironical compliments, which his vanity swallowed as the genuine sentiments of their hearts. Mr. Chatter, impatient of so long a silence, now broke out, and entertained us with a catalogue of all the people who danced at the last Hampstead assembly, with a most circumstantial account of the dress and ornaments of each, from the lappets of the ladies to the shoe-buckles of the men, concluding with telling Bragwell, that his mistress Melinda was there, and seemed to miss him, and soliciting his company at the next occasion of this kind. ‘No, no, damme,’ said Bragwell, ‘I have something else to mind than dangling after a parcel of giddy-headed girls—besides you know my temper is so unruly, that [Page 74] I am apt to involve myself in scrapes when a woman is concerned—The last time I was there, I had an affair with Tom Trippet.’—"O! I remember that," cried Banter; ‘you lugged out before the ladies; and I com­mend you for so doing, because you had an opportunity of shewing your manhood without running any risk.’"Risk!" said the other with a fierce countenance; ‘d—n my blood! I fear no risks. I an't afraid of lug­ging out against any man that wears a head, damme! 'tis well known I have drawn blood more than once, and lost some too; but what does that signify?’ The player begged this champion to employ him as his second the next time he intended to kill; for he wanted to see a man die o [...] a stab, that he might know how to act such a part the more naturally on the stage.—"Die!" replied the hero▪ ‘No, by G—d! I know better things than to incur the verdict of a Middlesex jury. I should look upon my fencing-master to be an ignorant son of a b—ch, if he had not taught me to prick any part of my antagonist's body that I please to disable.’—"O ho!" cried Slyboot, ‘if that be the case, I have a favour to ask: you must know I am employed to paint a Jesus on the cross, and my purpose is to represent him at that point of time when the spear is thrust into his side—Now I should be glad you would, in my pre­sence pink some impertinent fellow into convulsions, without endangering his life, that I may have an op­portunity of taking a good clever agony from nature; the doctor will direct you where to enter, and how far to go; but pray let it be as near the left side as possi­ble.’ Wagtail who took this proposal seriously, ob­served, that it would be a very difficult matter to pene­trate into the left side of the thorax without hurting the heart, and of consequence killing the patient; but he be­lieved it was possible for a man of a very nice hand, and exact knowledge of anatomy, to wound the diaphragma somewhere about the skirts, which might induce a singul­tus, without being attended with death—that he was rea­dy to demonstrate the insertion of the muscle to Mr. Brag­well, but desired to have no concern with the experiment, which might essentially prejudice his reputation in case of a miscarriage. Bragwell was as much imposed upon by [Page 75] the painter's waggery as the doctor, and declined engag­ing in the affair, saying, he had a very great regard for Mr. Slyboot, but had laid it down as a maxim, never to fight except when his honour was engaged. A thousand jokes of this kind were passed; the wine circulated, sup­per was served in, we ate heartily, returned to the bottle; Bragwell became noisy and troublesome, Banter grew more and more severe, Ranter rehearsed, Slyboot made faces at the whole company, I sung French catches, and Chatter kissed me with great affection; while the doctor, with a woeful countenance, sat silent like a disciple of Pythagoras. At length it was proposed by Bragwell, that we should scour the hundreds, sweat the constable, maul the watch, and then reel soberly to bed.

While we deliberated on this expedition, the waiter came into the room, and asked for Dr. Wagtail; when he understood he was present, he told him there was a lady below to inquire for him; at which the physician started from his melancholy contemplation, and, with a look of extreme confusion, assured the company he could not pos­sibly be the person wanted; for he had no connection with any lady whatever—and bid the drawer tell her so. ‘For shame!’ cried Banter, ‘would you be so impolite as to refuse the lady a hearing? perhaps she comes for a consultation—it must be some extraordinary affair that brings a lady to a tavern at this time o'night. Mr. Ranter, pray do the doctor's baise-mains to the lady, and squire her hither.’ The player immediately stag­gered out, and returned, leading in, with much ceremony, a tall strapping wench, whose appearance proclaimed her occupation. We received her with the utmost solemnity, and with a good deal of entreaty she was persuaded to sit, when a profound silence ensued, during which she fixed her eyes, with a disconsolate look upon the doctor, who was utterly confounded at her behaviour, and returned her melancholy four-fold; at length, after a good many pi­teous sighs, she wiped her eyes, and accosted him thus: ‘What, not one word of comfort? will nothing soften that stony heart of thine? Not all my tears! not all my afflictions! not the inevitable ruin thou hast brought upon me! Where are thy vows, thou faithless, perjured man?—Hast thou no honour—no conscience—no re­morse for thy perfidious conduct towards me!—Answer [Page 76] me—wilt thou at last do me justice, or must I have re­course to heaven or hell for my revenge!’ If poor Wagtail was amazed before she spoke, what must his con­fusion be on hearing this address! His natural paleness changed into a ghastly clay colour, his eyes rolled, his lip trembled, and he answered in an accent not to be descri­bed; ‘Upon my word, honour, and salvation! Madam, you are actually mistaken in my person. I have a most particular veneration for your sex, Madam, and am actually incapable of injuring any lady in the smallest de­gree, Madam—besides, Madam, to the best of my recol­lection, I never had the honour of seeing you before, as I hope to be saved, Madam.’—"How, traitor!" cried she, ‘dost thou disown me then?—Mistaken! no—too well I know that fair bewitching face! too well I know that false enchanting tongue! Alas! gentlemen, since the villain compels me by his unkindness to expose my­self and him, know, that this betrayer, under the spe­cious pretence of honourable addresses, won my heart, and, taking advantage of his conquest, robbed me of my virgin treasure, and afterwards abandoned me to my fate!—I am now four months gone with child by him, turned out of doors by my relations, and left a prey to misery and want!—Yes, thou barbarian,’ said she, turning to Wagtail, ‘thou tiger, thou succubus! too well thou knowest my situation—but I will tear out thy faithless heart, and deliver the world from such a monster.’ So saying, she sprang forward at the doctor, who with incredible agility jumped over the table, and ran behind Bragwell, while the rest of us endeavoured to appease the furious heroine. Although every body in the company affected the utmost surprise, I could easily per­ceive it was a scheme concerted among them to produce diversion at the doctor's expence; and, being under no concern about the consequence, I entered into the confe­deracy, and enjoyed the distress of Wagtail, who with tears in his eyes begged the protection of the company, declaring himself as innocent of the crime laid to his charge as the foetus in utero, and hinting at the same time, that nature had not put it in his power to be guilty of such a trespass—"Nature!" cried the lady; there was no ‘nature in the case—he abused me by the help of charms [Page 77] and spells, else how is it possible, that any woman could have listened to the addresses of such a scare-crow!—Were these owlish eyes made for ogling, that carrion complexion to be admired, or that mouth, like a horse­shoe, to be kissed? No, no, you owe your success to your philtres, to your drugs and incantations, and not to your natural talents, which are in every respect mean and contemptible?’ The doctor now thought he had got an opportunity of vindicating himself effectually, and desired the complainant to compose herself but for half an hour, in which he undertook to prove the absurdity of be­lieving in the power of incantations, which were only idle dreams of ignorance and superstition. He accordingly pronounced a very learned discourse upon the nature of ideas, the powers and independence of the mind, the pro­perties of stimulating medicines, the difference between a proneness to venery, which many simples would create, and a passion limited to one object, which can only be the result of sense and reflection, and concluded with a pathe­tic remonstrance, setting forth his unhappiness in being persecuted with the resentment of a lady whom he had ne­ver injured, nor even seen before that occasion, and whose faculties were, in all likelihood, so much impaired by her misfortunes, that an innocent person was in danger of being ruined by her disorder. He had no sooner finished his harangue than the forlorn princess renewed her la­mentations, and cautioned the company against his elo­quence, which, she said, was able to bias the most im­partial bench in Christendom. Banter advised him to es­pouse her immediately as the only means to salve his re­putation, and offered to accompany him to the Fleet for that purpose; but Slyboot proposed, that a father should be purchased for the child, and a comfortable alimony set­tled on the mother. Ranter promised to adopt the infant gratis. Wagtail was ready to worship him for his gene­rosity; and though he persisted in protesting his inno­cence, condescended to every thing rather than his unble­mished character should be called in question.—The lady rejected the proposal, and insisted on matrimony. Brag­well took up the cudgels for the doctor, and undertook to rid him of her importunity for half a guinea; upon which Wagtail, with great eagerness, pulled out his purse, [Page 78] and put it into the hand of his friend, who, taking half a piece out of it, gave it to the plaintiff, and bid her thank God for her good fortune. When she had received this bounty, she affected to weep, and begged, since the phy­sician had renounced her, he would at least vouchsafe her a parting kiss; this he was prevailed upon to grant with great reluctance, and went up with his usual solemnity to salute her, when she laid hold of his check with her teeth, and held fast, while he roared with anguish, to the un­speakable diversion of all present. When she thought pro­per to release him, she dropped a low courtsey to the com­pany, and quitted the room, leaving the doctor in the utmost horror, not so much on account of the pain, as the apprehension of the consequence of the bite; for by this time he was convinced of her being mad. Banter prescri­bed the actual cautery, and put the poker in the fire to be heated, in order to fear the place. The player was of opi­nion, that Bragwell should scoop out the part affected with the point of his sword; but the painter prevented both these dreadful operations by recommending a balsam he had in his pocket, which never failed to cure the bite of a mad dog: so saying, he pulled out a small bladder of black paint, with which he instantly anointed not only the sore but the greatest part of the patient's face, and left it in a frightful condition. In short, the poor creature was so harrassed with fear and vexation, that I pitied him extreme­ly, and sent him home in a chair, contrary to the inclina­tion of every body present.

This freedom of mine gave umbrage to Bragwell, who testified his displeasure by swearing a few threats, with­out making application; which was no sooner perceiv­ed by Mr. Slyboot, who sat by me, than with a view of promoting a quarrel, he whispered to me, that he thought Bragwell used me very ill; but every man was the best judge of his own affairs.—I answered aloud, that I would neither suffer Mr. Bragwell nor him to use me ill with impunity; and that I stood in no need of his counsel in regard to the regulation of my conduct.—He thought proper to ask a thousand pardons, and assured me, he meant no offence; while Bragwell feigned him­self asleep, that he might not be obliged to take notice of what passed. But the player, who had more animal spi­rits, [Page 79] and less discretion than Slyboot, unwilling to let the affair rest, where he had dropt it, jogged Mr. Bragwell, and told him softly, that I called him names, and threa­tened to cudgel him.—This I understood by his starting up and crying, ‘Blood and wounds! you lie—No man durst treat me so ignominiously: Mr. Random, did you call me names, and threaten to drub me?’ I de­nied the imputation, and proposed to punish the scoun­drel, who endeavoured to foment disturbance in the com­pany; Bragwell signified his approbation, and drew his sword; I did the same, and accosted the actor in these words, ‘Lookee, Mr. Ranter, I know you possess all the mimickry and mischievous qualities of an ape, because I have observed you put them all in practice more than once to-night on me and others; now I want to see if you resemble one in nimbleness also; therefore I desire you to leap over this sword without hesitation;’ so saying, I held it parallel to the horizon, at the distance of about three feet from the floor, and cal­led, "Once—twice—thrice, and away;"—but instead of complying with my commands, he snatched his hat and hanger, and assuming the look, swagger, and phrase of Pistol, burst out into the following exclamation: ‘Ha! must I then perform inglorious prank, of Sylvan ape in mountain forest caught! Death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days, and lay my head in fury's lap—Have we not Hieren here?’—This buffoonery did not an­swer his expectation, for by this time the company was bent on seeing him in a new character. Mr. Banter de­sired me to hold my sword a foot or two higher, that he might have an opportunity of exerting himself—The painter told him, if he performed well, he would recom­mend him as a vaulter to the proprietors of Sadler's Wells; and Bragwell crying, "Leap for the king," ap­plied the point of his sword to the player's posteriors, with such success, that he sprang over in a trice, and finding the door unguarded, vanished in a twinkling; glad, no doubt, of having paid his share of the reckoning so easily.

It being now near two o'clock in the morning, we dis­charged the bill, and sallied out into the street.—The painter s [...]unk away without taking his leave—Billy Chat­ter [Page 80] being unable to speak or stand, was sent to a Bagnio; and Banter and I accompanied Bragwell to Moll King's coffee-house, where, after he had kicked half a dozen hun­gry whores, we left him asleep on a bench, and directed our course towards Charing-Cross, near which place both he and I lodged.

The natural dryness of my companion being overcome by liquor, he honoured me by the way with many com­pliments and professions of friendship, for which I made suitable acknowledgments, and told him, I thought my­self happy in having, by my behaviour, removed the un­favourable opinion he entertained of me at first sight.—He was surprized at this declaration, and begged me to ex­plain myself: upon which I mentioned what I had over­heard him say of me to Wagtail, in the coffee-house.—He laughed, and made an apology for his freedom, as­suring me, that my appearance had very much prepossessed him in my favour: and what he said, was only intended as a joke on the doctor's solemnity.—I was highly pleased at being undeceived in this particular, and not a little proud of the good opinion of this wit, who shook me by the hand at parting, and promised to meet me next day at the ordinary.

CHAP. XI.

IN the morning, before I got up, Strap came into my chamber, and finding me awake, hemmed several times, scratched his head, cast his eyes upon the ground, and with a very foolish kind of a simper l [...]t me know he had [Page 81] something to communicate.—"By your countenance," said I, "I expect to hear good tidings."—"Indifferent," replied he, tittering, "that is, hereafter as it shall be.— ‘You must know, I have some thoughts of altering my condition.’—"What!" cried I, astonished, ‘a ma­trimonial scheme? O rare Strap! thou hast got the heels of me at last.’—"N'—no less, I'll assure you," said he, bursting into a laugh of self-approbation, ‘a tallow-chandler's widow, that lives hard by, has taken a liking to me—a fine jolly dame, as plump as a par­tridge.—She has a well furnished house, a brisk trade, and a good deal of the ready.—I may have her for the asking.—She told a friend of mine, a brother footman, that she would take me out of a stinking clout.—But I refused to give my final answer, till I knew your opi­nion of the matter.’—I congratulated Monsieur d'E­strapes upon his conquest, and approved of the scheme, provided he could be assured of those circumstances of her fortune; but advised him to do nothing rashly, and give me an opportunity of seeing the lady before matters should be brought to a conclusion.—He assured me he would do nothing without my consent and approbation, and that very morning, while I was at breakfast, introduced his inamorata to my acquaintance.—She was a short thick woman, about the age of thirty-six, and had a particular prominence of belly, which I perceived at first sight, not without some suspicion of foul play.—I desired her, how­ever, to sit and treated her with a dish of tea; the dis­course turning on the good qualities of Strap, whom I represented as a prodigy of sobriety, industry and virtue.—When she took her leave, he followed her to the door, and returned licking his lips, and asking if I did not think she was a luscious creature.—I made no mystery of my apprehension, but declared my sentiments of her without reserve; at which he was not surprised, telling me he had observed the same symptom, but was informed by his friend that she was only liver-grown, and would in a few months be as small in the waist as ever.—"Yes," said I, ‘a few weeks, I believe, will do the business.—In short, Strap, it is my opinion, that you are egregiously im­posed upon; and that this friend is no other than a rascal who wants to palm his trull upon you for a wi [...]e, [Page 82] that he may at once deliver himself from the importu­nities of the mother, and the expence of her bantling; for which reason I would not have you trust implicitly to the report he makes of her wealth, which is incon­sistent with his behaviour; nor run your head precipi­tately into a noose, that you may afterwards wish ex­changed for the hangman's.’—He seemed very much startled at my insinuation, and promised to look twice be­fore he leaped; saying, with some heat, ‘Odds, if I find his intention is to betray me, we shall see which of us is the better man.’—My prediction was verified in less than a fortnight; her great belly producing an infant, to the unspeakable amazement of Strap, who was, before this happened, inclinable to believe I had refined a little too much in my penetration. His false friend disappear­ed; and in a few days after, an execution was issued against her goods and houshold furniture, which were seized by the creditors.

Meanwhile I met my friend Banter at the ordinary, and in the evening went to the opera with him and Mr. Chatter, who pointed out Melinda in one of the boxes, and offered to introduce me to her, observing at the same time, that she was a reigning toast, worth ten thou­sand pounds.—This piece of information made my heart bound with joy, and I discovered great eagerness to ac­cept the proposal; upon which he assured me I should dance with her at the next assembly, if he had any influ­ence in that quarter; so saying, he went round, spoke to her some minutes, and, as I imagined, pointed at me; then returning, told me, to my inexpressible pleasure, that I might depend upon what he had promised, for she was now engaged as my partner.—Banter, in a whisper, gave me to understand, that she was an incorrigible coquette, who would grant the same favour to any young fellow in England, of a tolerable appearance, merely to engage him among the herd of her admirers, that she might have the pleasure of seeing them daily increase;—that she was of a cold insensible disposition, dead to every passion but vanity, and so blind to merit, that he would lay any wa­ger, the wealthiest fool should carry her at last. I attri­buted a good deal of this intelligence to the satirical turn of my friend, or resentment for having himself suffered a [Page 83] rebuff from the lady in question; and at any rate trusted so much to my own accomplishments, as to believe no wo­man could resist the ardor of my addresses.

Full of this confidence I repaired to Hampstead, in company with Billy Chatter, my Lord Hobble, and Doc­tor Wagtail. Here I saw a very brilliant assembly, be­fore whom I had the honour to walk a minuet with Me­linda, who charmed me with her frank manner and easiness of behaviour.—Before the country dances be­gan, I received a message by a person, I did not know, from Bragwell, who was present, importing, that no­body, who knew him, presumed to dance with Melinda while he was there in person; and that I would do well to relinquish her without noise, because he had a mind to lead up a country dance with her. This extraordinary in­timation, which was delivered in the lady's hearing, did not at all discompose me, who by this time was pretty well acquainted with the character of my rival. I there­fore without the least symptom of concern, bid the gen­tleman tell Mr. Bragwell, that since I was so happy as to obtain the lady's consent, I should not be solicitous about his; and desired the bearer himself to bring me no such impertinent messages for the future. Melinda affect­ed a sort of confusion, and pretended to wonder that Mr. Bragwell should give himself such liberties, with regard to her, who had no manner of connection with the fellow. I laid hold of this opportunity to display my valour, and offered to call him to an account for his insolence, which she absolutely refused, under pretence of consulting my safety; though I could perceive by the sparkling of her eyes, that she would not have thought herself affronted in being the subject of a duel. I was by no means plea­sed with this discovery of her thoughts, which not only argued the most unjustifiable vanity, but likewise the most barbarous indifference; however, I was allured by her fortune, and resolved to gratify her pride, in making her the occasion of a public quarrel between me and Bragwell, who, I was pretty certain, would never drive matters to a dangerous extremity.

While we danced together, I observed this formidable rival at one end of the room, encircled with a cluster of beaux, to whom he talked with great vehemence, casting [Page 84] many big looks at me from time to time: I guessed the subject of their discourse, and as soon as I had handed my partner to her seat, strutted up to the place where he stood, and cocking my hat in his face, demanded aloud, if he had any thing to say to me. He answered with a sullen tone, "Nothing at present, Sir," and turned about upon his heel.—"Well," said I, ‘you know where I am to be found at any time.’—His companions stared at one another, and I returned to the lady, whose features brightened at my approach, and immediately a whisper ran through the whole room; after which, so many eyes were turned upon me, that I was ready to sink with con­fusion.—When the ball broke up, I led her to her coach, and, like a true French gallant, would have got up be­hind it, in order to protect her from violence on the road; but she absolutely refused my offer, and expressed her con­cern that there was not an empty seat for me within it.

Next day in the afternoon, I waited on her at her lodgings, by permission, in company with Chatter, and was very civilly received by her mother, with whom she lived;—there were a good many fashionable people pre­sent, chiefly young fellows; and immediately after tea, a couple of card tables were set, at one of which I had the honour to play with Melinda, who in less than three hours made shift to plunder me of eight guineas.—I was well enough content to lose a little money with a good grace, that I might have an opportunity to say soft things in the mean time, which are still more welcome, when at­tended with good luck; but I was by no means satisfied with her fair play, a circumstance that shocked me not a little, and greatly impaired my opinion of her disinterest­edness and delicacy.—However, I was resolved to profit by this behaviour, and treat her in my turn with less ce­remony; accordingly I laid close siege to her, and finding her not at all disgusted with the gross incense I offered, that very night made a declaration of love in plain terms.—She received my addresses with great gaiety, and pre­tended to laugh them off, but at the same time treated me with such particular complacency, that I was persuad­ed I had made a conquest of her heart, and concluded myself the happiest man alive. Elevated with these flatter­ing ideas, I sat down again to cards after supper, and with [Page 85] great cheerfulness suffered myself to be cheated of ten gui­neas more.

It was late before I took my leave, after being favour­ed with a general invitation; and when I got into bed, the adventures of the day hindered me from sleeping.—Sometimes I pleased myself with the hopes of possessing a fine woman with ten thousand pounds; then I would ru­minate on the character I had heard of her from Banter, and compare it with the circumstances of her conduct to­wards me, which seemed to bear too great a resemblance to the picture he had drawn.—This introduced a melan­choly reflection on the expence I had undergone, and the smallness of my funds to support it, which, by the bye, were none of my own.—In short, I found myself involved in doubts and perplexit [...]s, that kept me awake the great­est part of the night.

In the morning, Strap, with whom I had not conver­sed for two days, presented himself with the utensils for shaving me; upon which, I asked his opinion of the lady whom he had seen me conduct to her coach at Hampstead.—"Odd! she's a delicious creature," cried he, ‘and, as I am informed, a great fortune.—I am sorry you did not insist on going home with her.—I dare say, she would not have refused your company; for she seems to be a good-humoured soul.’— ‘There's a time for all things,’ said I. ‘You must know, Strap, I was in company with her till one o'clock this morning.’—I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he began to caper about the room, and snap his fingers, crying in a transport, "The day's our own!—The day's our own!" I gave him to understand that his triumph was a little premature, and that I had more difficulties to surmount than he was aware of; then I recounted to him the intel­ligence I had received from Banter.—At which he chang­ed colour, shook his head, and observed there was no faith in woman.—I told him, I was resolved to make a bold push notwithstanding, although I foresaw it would lead me into a great expence; and bid him guess the sum I had lost last night at cards.—He scratched his chin, and professed his abhorrence of cards, the very name of which being mentioned made him sweat with vexation, as it re­called the money-dropper to his remembrance; ‘But [Page 86] however,’ said he, ‘you have to do with other guess people now.—Why, I suppose, if you had a bad run last night, you would scarce come off for less than ten or twelve shillings.’—I was mortified at this piece of simplicity, which I imagined, at that time, was all affect­ed, by way of reprimand for my folly; and asked with some heat, if he thought I had spent the evening in a cellar with chairmen and bunters; giving him to know, at the same time, that my expence amounted to eighteen guineas.—It would require the pencil of Hogarth to ex­press the astonishment and concern of Strap, on hearing this piece of news; the bason in which he was preparing the lather for my chin, dropped out of his hands, and he remained some time immoveable in that ludicrous attitude, with his mouth open, and his eyes thrust forward consi­derably beyond their station; but remembering my dis­position which was touchy and impatient of control, he smothered his chagrin, and attempted to recollect himself.—With this view he endeavoured to laugh, but in spite of his teeth, broke out into a whimper, took up his wash­ball and pewter pot, scrubbed my beard with the one, and discharged the other upon my face.—I took no no­tice of his confusion, but after he had fully recovered him­self, put him in mind of his right, and assured him of my readiness to surrender his effects whenever he should think proper to demand them.—He was nettled at my insinua­tion, which he thought proceeded from my distrust of his friendship; and begged I would never talk to him in that strain again, unless I had a mind to break his heart.

This good creature's unalterable friendship for me, af­fected me with the most grateful sentiments, and acted as a spur to my resolution of acquiring a fortune, that I might have it in my power to manifest my generosity in my turn—For this purpose, I determined to bring mat­ters to a speedy conclusion with Melinda, well knowing that a few such nights as the last, would effectually inca­pacitate me from prosecuting that, or any other advanta­geous amour.

While my meditation was busied in planning out my future conduct, Mr. Banter favoured me with a visit; and after breakfast, asked how I had passed the preceding evening?—I answered, I was very agreeably entertained [Page 87] at a private house.—"Yes," said he, with a [...]arcastic smile, ‘you deserved something extraordinary for the price you paid.’—I was surprised at his remark, and pre­tended ignorance of his meaning.— ‘Come, come, Ran­dom.’ continued he, ‘you need not make a mystery of it to me, the whole town has it.—I wish that foolish affair between you and Bragwell at Hampstead had been less public.—It has set all the busy-bodies at work to find out your real character and situation; and you cannot imagine what conjectures have already cir­culated at your expence: one suspects you to be a Jesuit in disguise; another thinks you are an agent for the Pretender; a third believes you to be an up­start gamester, because nobody knows any thing of your family or fortune; a fourth is of opinion that you are an Irish fortune-hunter.’—This last hypothesis touched me so nearly, that to conceal my confusion, I was fain to interrupt his detail, and damn the world for an en­vious meddling community, that would not suffer a gen­tleman to live without molestation. He took no notice of this apostrophe, but went on: ‘For my own part, I neither know nor desire to know, who, or what you are; this I am certain of, that few people make a my­stery of their origin and situation, who can boast of any thing advantageous in either;—and my own opi­nion of the matter is, that you have raised yourself by your industry, from nothing to the appearance you now maintain, and which you endeavour to support by some matrimonial scheme.’—Here he fixed his eyes stedfastly upon me, and perceiving my face covered with blushes, told me, now he was confirmed in his opinion:—"Look ye, Random," said he, ‘I have divined your plan, and am confident it will never succeed—You are too ho­nest and too ignorant of the town, to practise the necessa­ry cheats of your profession, and detect the conspiracies that will be formed against you—Besides you are down­right bashful—what the devil! set up for a fortune-hun­ter, before you have conquered the sense of shame! Per­haps you are entitled by your merit, and I believe you are, to a richer and better wife than Melinda; but take my word for it, she is not to be won at that rate—or, if you are so lucky as to carry her, between you and [Page 88] me, you may say as Teague did, By my soul I have gain­ed a loss! She would take care to spend her own fortune in a twinkling, and soon make you sick of her extrava­gance.’ I was alarmed by this discourse, while I re­sented the freedom of it, and expressed my disgust by tell­ing him, he was mistaken in my intentions, and desiring he would give me leave to regulate my conduct according to the dictates of my own reason. He made an apology for the liberty he had taken, and ascribed it to the warmth of his friendship for me, as an uncommon instance of which he borrowed five guineas, assuring me there were very few people in the world whom he would so far favour with his confidence. I gave him the money, and professed myself so well convinced of his sincerity, that he had no occasion to put it to such extraordinary proofs for the future.— ‘I thought,’ said he, ‘to have asked five pieces more; but, hearing you were bubbled of eighteen last night, I presumed you might be out of cash, and resolved to model my demand accordingly.’ I could not help ad­miring the cavalier behaviour of this spark, of whom I desired to know his reason for saying I was bubbled: whereupon he gave me to understand, that, before he came to my lodgings, he had beat up Tom Tossle, who, having been present, informed him of the particulars, rehearsed all the fine things I said to Melinda, with which he propo­sed to entertain the town—and, among other circum­stances, assured him, my mistress cheated with so little art, that nobody but a mere novice could have been im­posed upon.

The thoughts of becoming a subject of raillery for cox­combs, and losing my money to boot, stung me to the quick; but I made a virtue of my indignation, and swore that no man should with impunity either asperse the cha­racter of Melinda, or turn my behaviour into ridicule. He replied in a dry manner, that I would find it an Herculean task to chastise every body who should laugh at my ex­pence; and, as for the character of Melinda, he did not see how I could suffer by what was laid to her charge; for that cheating at cards, so far from being reckoned a blemish among people of fashion, was looked upon as an honourable indication of superior genius and address.— [Page 89] "But let us wave this subject," said he, ‘and go to the coffee-house, in order to make a party for dinner.’

CHAP. XII.

BEING as willing to drop the theme, as he to propose it▪ I accompanied him thither, where we found Mr. Medlar and Dr. Wagtail disputing upon the word custard, which the physician affirmed should be spelled with a g. because it was derived from the Latin verb gustare "to taste." But Medlar pleaded custom in be­half of c. observing, that by the doctor's rule we ought to change pudding into budding, because it is derived from the French word boudin; and, in that case, why not re­tain the original orthography and pronunciation of all the foreign words we have adopted, by which means our lan­guage would become a dissonant jargon without standard or propriety? The controversy was referred to us; and Banter, notwithstanding his real opinion to the contrary, decided in favour of Wagtail: upon which the peevish an­nuitant arose, and uttering the monosyllable "Pish" with great emphasis, removed to another table.

We then inquired of the doctor what progress he had made in the experiment of distilling tinder-water? and he told us he had been at all the glass-houses about town, but could find nobody who would undertake to blow a retort large enough to hold the third part of the quan­tity prescribed; but he intended to try the process on as much as would produce five drops, which would be sufficient to prove the specific, and then he would make it a parliamentary affair—that he had already purchased a considerable weight of rags, in reducing of which to tin­der he had met with a misfortune which had obliged him to change his lodgings; for he had gathered them in a heap on the floor, and set fire to them with a candle, on the supposition that the board would sustain no damage, [Page 90] because it is the nature of the flame to ascend; but by some very extraordinary accident the wood was invaded, and began to blaze with great violence, which disordered him so much, that he had not presence of mind enough to call for assistance, and the whole house must have been con­sumed with him in the midst of it, had not the smoke that rolled out of the windows in clouds alarmed the neigh­bourhood, and brought people to his succour—that he had lost a pair of black velvet breeches and a tye-wig in the hurry, besides the expence of the rags, which were rendered useless by the water used to quench the flame, and the damage of the floor, which he was compelled to repair—that his landlord, believing him distracted, had insisted on his quitting his apartment at a minute's warn­ing, which put him to incredible inconvenience; but now he was settled in a very comfortable house, and had the use of a large paved yard for preparing his tinder; so that he hoped in a very short time to reap the fruits of his labour.

After having congratulated the doctor on his prospect, and read the papers, we repaired to an auction of pictures, where we entertained ourselves an hour or two; from thence we adjourned to the Mall, and, after two or three turns, went back to dinner, Banter assuring us, that he intended to roast Medlar at the ordinary; and indeed we were no sooner set than this cynic began to execute his purpose, by telling the old gentleman he looked extremely well, considering the little sleep he had enjoyed last night. To this compliment Medlar made no reply but by a stare, accompanied with a significant grin; and Banter went on thus: ‘I don't know whether most to admire the cha­rity of your mind or the vigour of your body. Upon my soul, Mr. Medlar, you do generous things with the best taste of any man I know! You extend your com­passion to real objects, and exact only such returns as they are capable of making. You must know, gentle­men,’ said he, turning to the company, ‘I had been up most part of the night with a friend who is ill of a fever, and, on my return home this morning, I chan­ced to pass by a gin-shop, still open, whence issued a confused sound of mirth and jollity: upon which, I pop­ped in my head, and perceived Mr. Medlar dancing [Page 91] bare-headed in the midst of ten or twenty ragged bun­ters, who rejoiced at his expence. But indeed, Mr. Medlar, you ought not to sacrifice your constitution to your benevolence—consider you grow old apace, and▪ therefore ought to have a reverend care of your health, which must certainly be very much impaired by these nocturnal expeditions.’ The testy senior could no long­er contain himself, but cried hastily, ‘'Tis well known that your tongue is no slander.’—"I think," said the other, ‘you might spare that observation, as you are very sensible that my tongue has done you signal service on many occasions. You may remember that, when you made your addresses to the fat widow who kept a pub­lic-house at Islington, there was a report spread, very much to the prejudice of your manhood, which coming to the ears of your mistress, you were discarded imme­diately; and I brought matters to a reconciliation, by assuring her you had three bastards at nurse in the coun­try: how you ruined your affairs afterwards, it is nei­ther my business nor inclination to relate.’ This anec­dote, which had no other foundation than in Banter's own invention, afforded a good deal of mirth to every person present, and provoked Mr. Medlar beyond all suf­ferance; so that he started up in a mighty passion, and, forgetting that his mouth was full, bespattered those who sat next him, while he discharged his indignation in a vol­ley of oaths, and called Banter insignificant puppy, imper­tinent jackanapes, and a hundred such appellations, telling the company he had invented these false malicious aspersions, because he would not lend him money to squander away upon rooks and whores.—"A very likely story," said Ban­ter, ‘that I should attempt to borrow money of a man who is obliged to practise a thousand shifts to make his weekly allowance hold out till Saturday's night. Some­times he sleeps four and twenty hours at a stretch, by which means he saves three meals, besides coffee-house expence—sometimes he is fain to put up with bread and cheese, and small beer, for dinner—and sometimes he regales on two pennyworth of ox-cheese in a cellar.’—"You are a lying miscreant," cried Medlar, in an extasy of rage; ‘I can always command money enough to pay your taylor's bill, which I am sure is no trifle; and I [Page 92] have a good mind to give you a convincing proof of my circumstances by prosecuting you for defamation, sirrah.’ By this time the violence of his wrath had de­prived him of his appetite, and he sat silent, unable to swallow one mouthful, while his tormentor enjoyed his mortification and increased his chagrin by advising him to lay in plentifully for his next day's fast.

Dinner being ended, we came do [...] stairs to the coffee-room, and Banter went away to keep an appointment, saying, he supposed he should see Wagtail and me in the evening at the Bedford coffee-house.—He was no sooner gone, than the old gentleman took me aside, and said he was sorry to see me so intimate with that fellow, who was one of the most graceless rakes about town, and had al­ready wasted a good estate and constitution upon harlots. That he had been the ruin of many a young man, by in­troducing them into debauched company, and setting a lewd example of all manner of wickedness; and that un­less I was on my guard, he would strip me in a short time both of my money and reputation. I thanked him for his information, and promised to conduct myself ac­cordingly, wishing, however, his caution had been a few hours more early, by which means I might have saved five guineas. Notwithstanding this intelligence, I was inclinable to impute some part of this charge to Medlar's revenge for the liberties taken with him at dinner, and therefore, as soon as I could disengage myself, applied to Wagtail for his opinion of the character in question, re­solved to compare their accounts, allowing for the preju­dice of each, and form my judgment upon both, without adhering strictly to either. The doctor assured me, that he was a very pretty gentleman of family and fortune, a scholar, a wit, a critic, and perfectly well acquainted with the town; that his honour and courage were un­questionable, though some extravagances he had been guil­ty of, and his talent for satire, had procured him enemies, and made some people shy of his acquaintance. From these different sketches I concluded, that Banter was a young fellow of some parts, who had spent his fortune, but re­tained his appetites, and fallen out with the world, be­cause he could not enjoy it to his wish.

I went to the Bedford coffee-house in the evening, [Page 93] where I met my friends, from thence proceeded to the play, and afterwards carried them home to my lodgings, where we supped with great harmony and satisfaction.

CHAP. XIII.

WHEN I was ready to go abroad next day, Strap brought me a letter, directed To Mr. Random, Esq. Those—Which, upon opening, I found contained a chal­lenge, couched in these very extraordinary terms:

I guessed from the style and subscription of this billet, that my rival was true Milesian, and was not a little un­easy at the contents, especially that part, in which he as­serted his right to my mistress by promise, a circumstance I did not know how to reconcile to her penetration.—How­ever, this was no time for me to decline the defiance, because the success of my addresses might in a great mea­sure depend upon my behaviour in that affair. I there­fore immediately loaded my pistols, and betook myself in [Page 94] a hackney-coach to the place appointed, where I found a tall, raw-boned man, with a hard featured countenance, and black bushy beard, walking by himself, wrapped up in a shabby great coat, over which his own hair descend­ed in a leathern queue from his head, that was covered with a greasy hat trimmed with a tarnished point d' Fspagne. He no sooner perceived me advancing, than without any preamble, he pulled a pistol from his bosom, and present­ing at me, snapt it. Alarmed at this rude salutation, I made a stand, and before he could adjust his other piece, fired one of mine at him, without doing any damage. By this time he was ready with his second, which flashed in the pan without going off: upon which he called with a true Tipperary cadence, "Fire away, honey,"—and be­gan to hammer his flint with great deliberation.—But I was resolved to make use of the advantage fortune had given me; and therefore stept up, without throwing away my fire, desiring him to ask his life, or prepare for ano­ther world; but this stout Hibernian refused to conde­scend, and complained bitterly of my having quitted my ground before he could return my shot, saying, I ought to go back to my station, and let him have an equal chance with me.—I endeavoured to persuade him that I had given him a double chance already; and it was my business to prevent him from enjoying a third;—but now, since I had an opportunity, I demanded a parley, and desired to know the condition, and reason for calling me to the field, who, to the best of my remembrance, so far from having done him an injury, had never before seen him.—He told me, that he was a gentleman of fortune, who had spent all he had, and hearing that Melinda had got ten thousand pounds, he intended to make himself master of that sum by espousing her, and was determined in an honourable way, to cut the throats of all those who stood between him and his hopes.—I then demanded to know the foundation of his hopes; and now that I had seen him, being more and more astonished at the circum­stance of the promise, desired he would explain that my­stery.—He gave me to understand that he trusted entirely to his birth and personal merit; that he had frequently written to Melinda, setting forth his claim and pretensions, but she was never kind enough to send an answer, or even [Page 95] to admit him into her presence; and that the promise he mentioned in his letter was made by his friend Mr. Gag­hagan, who assured him, that no woman could resist a man of his appearance. I could not forbear laughing to excess at the simplicity of my rival, who did not seem to relish my mirth, but began to be very serious: upon which I endeavoured to appease him by giving him my word and honour, that so far from prejudicing his addresses to the lady, I would represent him to her in the most fa­vourable light I could, with any regard to truth; but he must not be surprised if she should remain blind to his de­serts, for nothing was more capricious than a woman's mind, and the affection of that sex was seldom purchased with virtue alone.—That my declaration might have the better effect, I took notice of his dishabille, and profes­sing sorrow at seeing a gentleman reduced, slipped two guineas into his hand, at the sight of which he threw away his pistols, and hugging me in his arms, cried, ‘Arrah, by Jesus, now you are the best friend I have met with these seven long years.’—When I had suffer­ed some minutes in his embrace, he quitted me, and picking up his rusty arms, wished the devil might burn him, if ever he should give me any further trouble about womankind.

The quarrel being thus amicably composed, I begged leave to look at his pistols, which I found so crazy and so foul, that I believe it was happy for him neither of them was discharged, for one of them would certainly have split in the going off, and he would in all probability have lost his hand in the explosion; but what gave me a lively idea of the man's character was to find upon exami­nation, that one of them had been loaded without being primed, and the other primed without a charge.

While we walked homeward together, I expressed a de­sire of knowing my new friend's history; and he informed me of his having served in the German army as a volun­teer [...] the Turks; that for his behaviour at the siege of Belgrade, he had been honoured with an ensign's com­mission, and afterwards promoted to the rank of lieute­nant, in which station, it was his misfortune to affront his captain, who challenged him to the field, and was killed in the duel, upon which he was obliged to retreat;—that [Page 96] he had been in England some years soliciting his friends for provision in the British army; but being hitherto un­successful, he was desired by Mr. Gaghagan to turn his thoughts to matrimony, and make his fortune by an ad­vantageous match; in consequence of which advice he had made up to Melinda; and having heard by means of an Irish footman in the family, that I was her chief favour­ite, had called me out, in hopes of removing, by my death, the greatest obstruction to his desires; but now he was convinced of my honour and generosity, he swore by the blessed Virgin, he would think of her no more if there was not another woman in the world.—As a further proof of his veracity, which I did not at all doubt, he opened an old iron snuff-box, and pulled out his commission in the Imperial army, and his captain's challenge, which he preserved as testimonials of his character.—I was so well convinced of this poor man's honesty and courage, that I determined to speak in his behalf to some of my acquaint­ance, who might recommend his case to the consideration of those who could provide for him; and in the mean time to accommodate him with a few clothes, by which his appearance would be much mended, and himself ena­bled to renew [...] solicitations in person.

As we walked along conversing sociably together, we were met by a file of musqueteers, and Strap at their head, who no sooner approached, than with a frantic look, he cried, ‘Seize them!—In the name of God! seize them!’—We were accordingly surrounded, and I put in arrest by the corporal, who was commanding of­ficer; but Captain O'Regan disengaged himself, and ran with such speed towards Tottenham-court road, that he was out of [...]ight in a moment. When my arms were de­livered up, and myself secured, Strap became a little more composed, and asked pardon for the liberty he had taken, which he hoped I would excuse, as it proceeded from his affection; he then told me, that, suspecting the letter (which by the bye was brought by the author himself) contained something extraordinary, he had peeped through the key-hole, and seen me load my pistols; upon which he ran down to Whitehall, and applied to the officer on guard for a party to put me in arrest; but before he re­turned, I was gone in a coach; that he had inquired [Page 97] which way I went, and having heard that duels were com­monly fought at the back of Montague-house, [...]e con­ducted the guard to this place, where he thanked God for having found me safe and sound. I gave him to under­stand that I forgave his officious concern for once, but cau­tioned him in pretty severe terms from making me the subject of idle conversation for the future; then turning to the corporal, thanked him for his care, and gave him a crown to drink with his men, assuring him that the ren­contre was over long before he came up, and every thing compromised, as he might have observed by our behavi­our; as a farther proof of which, he would find upon ex­amination, that one of my pistols had been discharged; but this civil person, without giving himself or me any further trouble, received the bounty with a thousand bows and acknowledgments, and returning the pistols released me immediately.

He was not gone an hundred yards when my friend O'Regan came up, in order to rescue me, with two Tat­terdemalions whom he had engaged for that purpose, about the purlieus of St. Giles's: one of them was armed with a musket that wanted a lock, and another with a rusty broad-sword; but their dress surpassed all descrip­tion.—When he understood I was already free, he made an apology for his abrupt departure, and introduced me to his two companions: first, to Counsellor Fitzclab­ber, who, he told me, was then employed in compiling a history of the kings of Munster, from Irish manuscripts; and then to his friend Mr. Gaghagan, who was a profound philosopher and politician, and had projected many ex­cellent schemes for the good of his country.—But it seems these literati had been very ill rewarded for their ingeni­ous labours; for between them both, there was but one shirt, and half a pair of breeches.—I thanked them very kindly for their readiness to assist me, and having offered my service in my turn, bade them a good-morrow, de­siring O'Regan to accompany me to my lodgings, where he was fitted with decent clothes from my wardrobe, so much to his satisfaction, that he swore eternal gratitude and friendship to me, and, at my request, recounted all the adventures of his life.

In the afternoon, I waited on Melinda, who received [Page 98] me with great kindness and familiarity, and laughed ex­cessively at my adventure with the Irishman, to whose wishes she was no stranger, having more than a dozen letters in her possession, which he had wrote to her on the subject of love, and which, for my entertainment, she sub­mitted to my perusal.—Having made ourselves merry at the expence of this poor admirer, I seized the opportuni­ty of her mother's going out of the room, and introduced my own passion, which I recommended to her with all the ardour and eloquence I was master of.—I flattered, sigh­ed, swore, intreated, and acted a thousand extravagancies in hopes of making some impression on her heart; but she heard every thing I said without discovering the least emotion; and other company came in, before she would vouchsafe one serious reply.—After tea, the cards were brought in, according to custom, and it was my good fortune to have Melinda for my partner; by which means, instead of losing, I came off with five guineas clear gain.

I soon became acquainted with a good many people of fashion, and spent my time in the modish diversions of the town, such as plays, operas, masquerades, drums, assem­blies and puppet shows: chiefly in company with Melin­da, whom I cultivated with all the eagerness and address that my prospect could inspire, and my education afford: I spared neither my person nor my purse, to gratify her vanity and pride; my rivals were intimidated, and indeed outshone; and, after all, I began to fear that the dear creature had not a heart to lose.—At last, finding myself unable to support the expence of this amour much longer, I was determined to bring the matter to a crisis; and one evening, while we were téte a téte, complained of her in­difference, described the tortures of suspence to a love­sick mind, and pressed her to disclose her sentiments of matrimony and me, with such earnestness, that she could not with all her art shift the subject; but was obliged to come to an eclaircissement.—She told me with a care­less air, that she had no objection to my person, and if I could satisfy her mother in other particulars, I should not find her averse to the match; but she was resolved to do nothing in an affair of such momentous concern, with­out the advice and consent of her parent.—This was not a very agreeable declaration to me, whose aim had been [Page 99] to win her inclination first, and then secure my conquest by a private marriage, to which I flattered myself she would express no reluctance—That I might not, howe­ver, desert my cause before it was desperate, I waited on her mother, and with great formality demanded the daughter in marriage: the good lady, who was a very notable woman, behaved with great state and civility; thanked me for the honour I intended her family, and said, she did not doubt but that I was in all respects qualifi­ed to make a woman happy; but it concerned her as a pa­rent, anxious about the welfare of her child, to inquire into the particulars of my fortune, and know what settle­ment I proposed to make. To this information, which would have utterly disconcerted me, if I had not expect­ed it, I replied without hesitation, that though my for­tune was very small, I was a gentleman by birth and edu­cation, would maintain her daughter in the sphere of a gentlewoman, and settle her own dowry on her and her heirs for ever.—This careful matron did not seem to relish my proposal, but observed with a demure countenance, that there was no necessity for settling that upon her child which was her own already: however, if I pleased, her lawyer should confer with mine upon the matter; and in the mean time, she desired I would favour her with the perusal of my rent-roll.—Notwithstanding the vexa­tion I was under, I could scarce forbear laughing in her face at the mention of my rent-roll, which was indeed a severe satire upon my pretensions. I frankly owned I had no landed estate: and told her, that I could not exactly specify the sum I was master of, until I had regu­lated my affairs, which were at present in some disorder; but that I would take an opportunity of satisfying her on that head very soon.

It was not long before I took my leave; and returned to my lodgings in a very melancholy mood, persuaded that I had nothing more to expect from that quarter: I was confirmed in this opinion next day, when I went back with a view of explaining myself more fully to the old gentlewoman; and was told by the footman that his la­dies were not at home, although I had seen Melinda through the blinds at a parlour window, as I went up to the door. Incensed at this [...]ffront, I quitted the door, [Page 100] without saying one word, and as I repassed the parlour, bowed to Miss, who still remained in the same situation, securely screened, as she thought, from my view.

This disappointment gave me more uneasiness on Strap's account than my own; for I was in no danger of dying for love of Melinda; on the contrary, the remembrance of my charming Narcissa was a continual check upon my conscience, during the whole course of my addresses; and perhaps contributed to the bad success of my scheme, by controuling my raptures, and condemning my design.

There was a necessity for informing my companion of every thing that happened to me, and I performed this piece of duty in an affected passion, swearing I would be his pack horse no longer, and desiring him to take the management of his affairs into his own hands. This finesse had the desired effect, for instead of grumbling over my miscarriage, Strap was frightened at the passion I feign­ed, and begged me for the love of God to be appeased; observing, that although we had suffered a great loss, it was not irreparable; and if fortune frowned to-day, she might perhaps smile to-morrow.—I pretended to acquiesce in his remarks, praised his equanimity, and promised to improve by misfortune.—He, on the other hand, pretended to be perfectly well satisfied with my conduct, and con­jured me to follow the dictates of my own reflection; but in spite of all his affectation, I could perceive his inward affliction, and his visage sensibly increased in longitude from that day.

CHAP. XIV.

IN the mean time my attention was wholly engrossed in search of another mistress, and the desire of being [Page 101] re­venged on Melinda, in both which schemes I was very much assisted by Billy Chatter, who was such a necessary creature among the ladies, that in all private dances he engaged the men. To him therefore I applied, desiring he would introduce me to a partner of some figure, at the next private assembly, for the sake of a frolic, the inten­tion of which I would afterwards communicate. Billy, who had heard something of a difference between Melinda and me, immediately smoked part of my design, and, thinking I only wanted to alarm her jealousy a little, pro­mised to gratify my desire by matching me with a partner worth thirty thousand pounds, whom the ladies of this end of the town had lately taken into their management and protection. Upon farther inquiry, I found this per­son's name was Miss Biddy Gripewell; that her father, who had been a pawn-broker, died intestate, by which means all his substance descended to his daughter, who was so little a favourite, that, could the old man have prevailed with his own rapacious disposition to part with as much money as would have paid the expence of a will, she would not have inherited the sixth part of his fortune; that during his life, so far from being educated in a way suitable to such great expectations, she was obliged to live like a servant wench, and do the most menial offices in the family. But his funeral was no sooner performed than she assumed the fine lady, and found so many people of both sexes to flatter, caress, and instruct her, that, for want of discretion and experience, she had grown insufferably vain and arrogant, and pretended to no less than a duke or earl at least for her husband; that she had the misfortune to be neglected by the English quality, but a certain poor Scottish lord was then making interest to be introduced to her acquaintance. In the mean time she was fallen into the hands of a notable lady, who had already disposed of her to a lieutenant of foot, a distant relation of her lady­ship, though miss as yet knew nothing of the affair; and lastly, that, if I proposed to dance with her, I must give him leave to represent me as a knight or foreign count at least. I was ravished at this piece of information, and consented for one night to personate a French marquis, that I might the easier fulfil my revenge.

Having made the appointment with Chatter, I went to [Page 102] Banter's lodgings, as I had by this time conceived a great opinion of his penetration and knowledge; and, after I had enjoined secrecy, told him every circumstance of my disgrace with Melinda, and imparted the plan I had pro­jected to mortify that proud coquette, desiring his advice in improving, and assistance in executing the scheme. Nothing could be more agreeable to his misanthropical temper than an account of her behaviour and my resent­ment: he applauded my resolution, and proposed that I should not only provide myself with a proper partner, but also procure such an one for Miss Goosetrap as would in­fallibly entail upon her the ridicule of all her acquaint­ance: for this purpose he mentioned his barber, who, he said, was a great coxcomb lately come from Paris, whose absurd affectation and grimace would easily pass upon her for the sprightly politesse of a gentleman im­proved by travel. I hugged him for this hint, and he as­sured me, it would be no difficult matter to make him be­lieve, that Melinda, having seen him by accident, was captivated by his appearance, and longed for his acquaint­ance. He actually engaged him on this pretence, and painted his good fortune in such colours, that the poor shaver was quite beside himself with joy. He was imme­diately fitted with a tawdry suit of clothes belonging to Banter, and by him recommended to Chatter as a very pretty fellow just returned from his travels. Master Billy, who acted as a gentleman usher to a great many of the fair sex in and about town, undertook at once to bespeak Melinda in his behalf; and every thing happened accord­ing to my wish.

At the time appointed I appeared, dressed to the best advantage, and, in the character of a Marquis had the ho­nour of opening the ball with the rich heiress, who attract­ed the eyes of the whole company by the prodigious num­ber of jewels with which she was adorned. Among others, I perceived Melinda, who could no more conceal her envy than astonishment at my success: her curiosity was still more flagrant and tormenting; for she had never seen Miss Gripewell before; and Chatter, who alone could give her any satisfaction on that head, was engaged in conversation at the other end of the room. I observed her impatience, and exulted in her chagrin; and, after my partner was set, [Page 103] took the opportunity of passing by her to make a flight bow without stopping, which completed my triumph and her indignation. She changed colour, bridled up, assumed an air of disdain, and flirted her fan with such fury that it went to pieces in a moment, to the no small entertainment of those who sat near and observed her.

At length the metamorphosed barber took her out, and acted his part with such ridiculous extravagance, that the mirth of the whole company was excited at his expence, and his partner so much ashamed, that, before the country dances began, she retired in great confusion, under pre­tence of being taken suddenly ill, and was followed by her gallant, who no doubt imagined her indisposition was no­thing but love, and laid hold of the occasion of conducting her home to comfort her with an assurance of his enter­taining a reciprocal passion. They were no sooner gone than an inquisitive whisper of "Who is he?" ran round the room, and Chatter could give them no other intelligence about him than that he was a man of fortune just returned from his travels: I, who alone was acquainted with his real quality, affected ignorance, well knowing, that female curiosity would not rest satisfied with such a general ac­count, and that the discovery would proceed with a better grace from any body than me.

Mean while I was tempted by the richness of the prize to practise upon Miss Gripewell's heart, but soon found it too well fortified with pride and indifference to yield to any efforts in my own character, and I neither would nor could preserve the title I had borrowed longer than that night.

As I expected, every thing came to light next day. The barber, in pure simplicity of heart, detected himself to Melinda, and discovered the foundation of his hopes; she sickened at the affront, and was ashamed to shew her face in public for many weeks after this accident. Poor Chat [...]er found it impossible to justify himself to her satis­faction, was in utter disgrace with Miss Gripewell for having imposed me upon her as a nobleman, and suffered very much in his character and influence among the ladies in general.

Finding my finances diminished more than one half, and my project as little advanced as on the first day of my ar­rival [Page 104] in town, I began to despair of any success, and grew melancholy at the prospect of approaching want. To dis­pel the horrors of this fiend, I had recourse to the bottle, and kept more company than ever, I became particularly attached to the play-house, conversed with the actors be­hind the scenes, grew acquainted with a body of templars, and in a short time commenced a professed wit and critic. Indeed I may say without vanity, that I was much better qualified than any one of my companions, who were, ge­nerally speaking, of all the creatures I ever conversed with, the most ignorant and assuming. By means of these avo­cations I got the better of care, and learned to separate my ideas in such a manner, that, whenever I was attacked by a gloomy reflection, I could shove it aside, and call in some agreeable reverie to my assistance. This was not the case with Strap, who practised a thousand shifts to conceal the sorrow that preyed upon his carcase, and reduced him to the resemblance of a mere skeleton.

While I thus posted in a thoughtless manner towards po­verty, I one day received by the penny post a letter writ­ten in a woman's hand, containing a great many high­flown compliments, warm protestations of love, couched in a very poetical stile, an earnest desire of knowing whether or not my heart was engaged, by leaving an answer at a certain place, directed to R. B. and the whole subscribed "Your Incognita." I was transported with joy on read­ing the contents of this billet-doux, which I admired as a masterpiece of tenderness and elegance, and was already up to the ears in love with the author, whom my imagi­nation represented as a lady of fortune, in the bloom of youth and beauty. Elevated with this conjecture, I went to work, and exhausted my invention in composing an an­swer suitable to the sublimity of her stile, and the ardour of her sentiments, I expressed my admiration of her wit in terms the most hyperbolical, and while I acknowledged myself unworthy of her regard, declared myself enamoured of her understanding, and in the most pathetic manner implored the honour of an interview. Having finished this performance, and communicated it to Strap, who skipped about for joy, I dispatched him with it to the place ap­pointed, which was the house of a milliner not far from Bond-street, and desired him to keep watch near the door [Page 105] for some time, that he might discover the person who should call for it. In less than an hour he returned with a joyful countenance, and told me that, soon after he bad delivered the letter, a chairman was called, to whom it was given, with directions to carry it to the house of a rich gentleman in the neighbourhood, whither he (Strap) followed him and saw it put into the hands of a waiting­woman, who paid the messenger and shut the door—that upon inquiry at an ale-house hard by, where he called for a pint of beer, he understood that the gentleman, to whom the house belonged, had an only daughter, very hand­some, who would inherit his whole estate, and who cer­tainly was the author of the billet I had received. I was of the same opinion, and, hugging myself in the happy prospect, dressed immediately, and passed in great state by the house that contained my unknown admirer—nor was my vanity disappointed; for I perceived a beautiful young creature standing at one of the windows of the dining­room, who, I imagined, observed me with more than common curiosity. That I might indulge her view, and at the same time feast my own, I affected to stop, and give orders to Strap in the street, just opposite to her station, by which means I had an opportunity of seeing her more distinctly, and of congratulating myself on having made a conquest of so much perfection. In a few minutes she retired, and I betook myself to the ordinary in a rapture of hope, which deprived me of my appetite for that meal, and sent me home in the evening to indulge my contem­plation.

Early next day I was favoured with another epistle from my unknown charmer, signifying her unutterable joy at the receipt of mine, which, while it made a tender of my heart, convinced her of the value of it; above all things, she professed extreme pleasure in finding me so much at­tached to her understanding, a circumstance that not only flattered her in the most sensible part, but at the same time argued my own sagacity. As for the interview I desired, she assured me, that I could not be more eager for such an occasion than she; but she must not only sacrifice a little more to decorum, but be satisfied of my honourable in­tentions, before she could grant that request: mean while she gave me to understand, that, although she might owe [Page 106] some deference to the opinion of certain persons, she was resolved, in an affair that so nearly concerned her happi­ness, to consult her own inclination preferable to the ad­vice of the whole world, especially as she was urged to such condescension by no consideration of fortune, what she depended upon being her own without restriction or control. Struck with admiration at the philosophy and self-denial of my mistress, who seemed insensible of the beauty she possessed, and in particular ravished with that piece of intelligence by which I learned her fortune was independent, I resumed the pen, launched out into enco­miums on the dignity of her sentiments, affected to un­dervalue the charms of external beauty, pretended to ground my passion on the qualities of her mind, complain­ed of her rigour in sacrificing my repose to an over-scru­pulous regard to decorum, and declared the purity of my designs in the most solemn and pathetic vows. This per­formance, being sealed and directed, was sent to the place appointed by Strap, who, that we might be still the more confirmed in our belief, renewed his watch, and in a little time brought back the same information as before, with this addition, that Miss Sparkle, (the name of my sup­posed correspondent,) looking out at the window, no soon­er saw the messenger arrive than she shut the casement in a sort of beautiful confusion, and disappeared; eager, no doubt, to hear from the dear object of her love.

My doubts now vanished, the long-expected port ap­peared, and I looked upon myself as perfectly secure of that happiness I had been in quest of so long. After din­ner I sauntered in company with Dr. Wagtail to that part of the town in which my inamorata lived, and, as he was a mere register, inquired of him into the name, character, and fortune of every body who possessed a good house in the streets through which we passed. When it came to his turn to mention Sir John Sparkle, he represented him as a man of an immense estate, and narrow disposition, who mewed up his only child, a fine young lady, from the con­versation of mankind, under the strict watch and inspection of an old governante, who was either so honest, envious, or infatiable, that nobody had been as yet able to make her a friend, or get access to her charge, though numbers attempted it every day—not so much on account of her [Page 107] expectations from her father, who, being a widower, might marry again, and have sons, as for a fortune of twelve thousand pounds left her by an uncle, of which she could not be deprived. This piece of news, exactly tallying with the last part of the letter I had been honour­ed with in the morning, had such an effect on me, that any man except Wagtail might have observed my emotion; but his attention was too much engrossed by the contem­plation of his own importance, to be affected with the de­portment of any other body, unless it happened to be so particular that he could not help taking notice of it.

When I had disengaged myself from him, whose con­versation grew insipid to me, I went home, and made Strap acquainted with the fruits of my researches. This faithful squire was almost ch [...]aked with transport, and even wept with joy, but whether on account of himself or me, I shall not pretend to determine. Next day a third billet-doux was brought to me, containing many expres­sions of tenderness, mingled with some affecting doubts about the artifice of man, the inconstancy of youth, and the jealousy often attending the most sincere passion, withal desiring I would excuse her, if she should try me a little longer, before she declared herself beyond the power of retracting. These interesting scruples added fuel to my flame, and impatience to my hope; I redoubled my com­plaints of her indifference, and pressed her to an assignation with such fervid entreaties, that in a few days she consent­ed to meet me at the house of that milliner, who had forwarded all my letters. During the interval between the date of her promise and the hour of appointment, my pride soared beyond all reason and description; I lost all remem­brance of the gentle Narcissa, and my thoughts were wholly employed in planning triumphs over the malice and contempt of the world.

At length the happy hour arrived; I flew to the place of rendezvous, and was conducted into an apartment, where I had not waited ten minutes when I heard the rust­ling of silk, and the sound of feet ascending the stairs: my heart took the alarm, and beat quick, my cheeks glowed, my nerves thrilled, and my knees shook with extasy! I perceived the door opening, saw a gold brocade petticoat advance, and sprang forward to embrace my charmer.— [Page 108] Heaven and earth! how shall I paint my situation, when I found Miss Sparkle converted into a wrinkled hag turned of seventy! I was struck dumb with amazement, and pe­trified with horror! This ancient Urganda perceived my disorder, and, approaching with a languishing air, seized my hand, asking in a squeaking tone if I was indisposed? Her monstrous affectation completed the disgust I had conceived for her at first appearance, and it was a long time before I could command myself so much as to behave with common civility: at length, however, I recollected myself, and pronounced an apology for my behaviour, which, I said, proceeded from a dizziness that seized me all of a sudden. My hoary Dulcinea, who, no doubt, had been alarmed at my confusion, no sooner learned the cause, to which I now ascribed it, than she discovered her joy in a thousand amorous coquetries, and assumed the sprightly airs of a girl of sixteen. One while she ogled me with her dim eyes quenched in rheum; then, as if she was ashamed of that freedom, she affected to look down, blush, and play with her san, then toss her head, that I might not perceive a palsy that shook it, ask some childish questions with a lisping accent, giggle and grin with her mouth shut, to conceal the ravages of time upon her teeth, leer upon me again, sigh piteously, fling herself about in her chair to shew her agility, and act a great many more absur­dities that youth and beauty can alone excuse. Shocked as I was at my disappointment, my disposition was incapable of affronting any person who loved me; I therefore endea­voured to put a good face on the matter for the present, resolving to drop the whole affair as soon as I should get clear of her company; with this view I uttered some civil things, and in particular desired to know the name and condition of the lady who had honoured me so much. She told me her name was Withers; that she lived with Sir John Sparkle in quality of governess to his only daugh­ter, in which situation she had picked up a comfortable sufficiency to make her easy for life; that she had the plea­sure of seeing me at church, where my appearance and deportment made such an impression upon her heart, that she could enjoy no ease until she had enquired into my character, which she found so amiable in all respects, that she yielded to the violence of her inclination, and ventured [Page 109] to declare her passion, with too little regard perhaps to the decorum of her sex; but she hoped I would forgive a trespass, of which I myself was, in some measure, the cause, and impute her intrusion to the irresistible dictates of love. No decayed rake ever-swallowed a bolus with more reluctance than I felt in making a reply suitable to this compliment, when, instead of the jewel, I found the crazy casket only in my power; and yet my hopes began to revive a little, when I considered, that, by carrying on the appearance of an intrigue with the duenna, I might possibly obtain access to her charge. Encouraged by this suggestion, my temper grew more serene; my reserve wore off: I talked en cavalier, and even made love to this an­tiquated coquette, who seemed extremely happy in her adorer, and spread all her allurements to make her ima­gined conquest more secure. The good woman of the house treated us with tea and sweatmeats, and afterwards withdrew, like a civil experienced matron as she was. Left thus to our mutual endearments, Miss Withers (for she was still a maiden) began to talk of matrimony, and ex­pressed so much impatience in all her behaviour, that, had she been fifty years younger, I might possibly have grati­fied her longing without having recourse to the church; but this my virtue as well as interest forbade. When the inclinations of an old maid settle upon a young fellow, he is persecuted with her addresses; but, should he once grant her the favour, he will never be able to disentangle himself from her importunities and reproaches. It was my busi­ness to defer the ceremony as long as possible, under the most specious pretences, with a view of becoming acquaint­ed with Miss Sparkle in the mean time; and I did not despair of success when I considered, that in the course of our correspondence I should, in all probability, be invited to visit my mistress in her own apartment, and by that means have an opportunity of conversing with her charm­ing ward. Pleased with this prospect, my heart dilated with joy, I talked in raptures to the stale governante, and kissed her [...] hand with great devotion. She was so much transported with her good fortune that she could not contain her extasy, but flew upon me like a tigress, and pressed her skinny lips to mine, when (as it was no doubt concerted by her evil genius) a dose of garlic she [Page 110] [...] swallowed that morning to dispel wind, I suppose, began to operate with such a sudden explosion, that hu­ [...] [...] circumstanced as I was, could not endure the shook with any degree of temper. I lost all patience and reflection, flung away from her in an instant, snatched my hat and cane, and ran down stairs as if the Devil had me in pursuit, and could scarce restrain the convulsions of my bowels, which were greviously offended by the perfume that assaulted me. Strap, who waited my return with impatience, seeing me arrive in the utmost disorder, stood motionless with apprehension, and durst not inquire into the cause.

After I had washed my mouth more than once, and re­cruited my spirits with a glass of wine, I recounted to him every particular of what had happened; to which he made no other reply for some time, than lifting up his eyes, clasping his hands, and uttering a hollow groan.—At length he observed, in a melancholy tone, that it was a thousand pities my organs were so delicate as to be offend­ed with the smell of garlic: "Ah! God help us," said he, ‘'tis not the steams of garlic, no, nor of something else, that would give me the least uneasiness—see what it is to be a cobler's son.’—I replied hastily, ‘I wish then you would go and retrieve my miscarriage.’—At this he started, forced a smile, and left the room, shaking his head. Whether the old gentlewoman resented my abrupt departure so much, that her love changed into dis­dain, or was ashamed to see me on account of her infir­mity, I know not, but I was never troubled again with her passion.

CHAP. XV.

BAFFLED hitherto in my matrimonial schemes, I began to question my talents for the science of for­tune-bunting, and to bend my thoughts towards some em­ployment under the government.—With the view of pro­curing which, I cultivated the acquaintance of Lords Straddle and Swillpot, whose fathers were men of interest at court.—I found these young noblemen as open to my advances as I could desire: I accompanied them in their midnight rambles, and often dined with them at taverns, where I had the honour of paying the reckoning.

I one day took the opportunity, while I was loaded with protestations of friendship, to disclose my desire of being settled in some sinecure, and to solicit their influ­ence in my behalf.—Swillpot squeezing my hand, said, I might depend upon his service, by G—d. The other swore that no man would be more proud than he to run my errands. Encouraged by these declarations, I ven­tured to express an inclination to be introduced to their fathers, who were able to do my business at once. Swill­pot frankly owned he had not spoke to his father these three years; and Straddle assured me his father having lately disobliged the minister by subscribing his name to a protest in the House of Peers, was thereby rendered inca­pable of serving his friends at present; but he undertook to make me acquainted with Earl Strutwell, who was hand and glove with a certain person who ruled the roast. This offer I embraced with many acknowledgments, and plied him so closely, in spite of a thousand evasions, that [Page 112] he found himself under a necessity of keeping his word, and actually carried me to the levee of this great man, where he left me in a crowd of fellow-dependants, and was ushered to a particular closet audience; from whence in a few minutes he returned with his Lordship, who took me by the hand, assured me he would do me all the service he could, and desired to see me often.—I was charmed with my reception, and although I had heard that a courtier's promise was not to be depended upon, I thought I discovered so much sweetness of temper in this Earl's countenance, that I did not doubt of profiting by his protection. I resolved, therefore, to avail myself of his permission, and waited on him next audience-day, when I was favoured with a particular smile, squeeze of the hand, and a whisper, signifying that he wanted half an hour's conversation with me téte a téte, when he should be disengaged, and for that purpose desired me to come and drink a dish of chocolate with him to-morrow morn­ing.—This invitation, which did not a little flatter my vanity and expectation, I took care to observe, and went to his Lordship's house at the time appointed. Having rapped at the gate, the porter unbolted and kept it half open, placing himself in the gap, like soldiers in a breach, to dispute my passage. I asked if his lord was stir­ring?—He answered with a surly aspect, "No."—"At what hour does he commonly rise?" (said I.)—"Sometimes sooner, sometimes later," (said he, closing the door upon me by degrees.)—I then told him I was come by his Lordship's own appointment; to which this Cerberus replied, ‘I have received no orders about the matter;’ and was upon the point of shutting me out, when I recollected myself all of a sudden, and slipping a crown into his hand, begged as a favour that he would enquire and let me know whether or not the Earl was up. The grim janitor relented at the touch of my money, which he took with all the indifference of a tax-gatherer, and shewed me into a parlour, where, he said, I might amuse myself till such time as his Lordship should be awake.—I had not sat ten minutes in this place, when a foot­man entered, and without speaking, stared at me. I in­terpreted this piece of his behaviour into ‘Pray, Sir, what is your business?’ and asked the same question I [Page 113] had put to the porter, when I accosted him first. The lackey made the same reply, and disappeared before I could get any further intelligence.—In a little while he re­turned on pretence of poking the fire, and looked at me again with great earnestness; upon which I began to per­ceive his meaning, and tipping him with half a crown, desired he would be so good as to fall upon some method of letting the Earl know that I was in the house.—He made a low bow, and said, "Yes, Sir," and vanished.—This bounty was not thrown away, for in an instant he came back, and conducted me to a chamber, where I was received with great kindness and familiarity by his Lord­ship, whom I found just risen, in his morning gown and slippers.—After breakfast, he entered into a particular conversation with me about my travels, the remarks I had made abroad, and examined me to the full extent of my understanding.—My answers seemed to please him very much, he frequently squeezed my hand, and look­ing at me with a singular complacency in his countenance, bid me depend upon his good offices with the ministry in my behalf. "Young men of your qualifications," said he, ‘ought to be cherished by every administration.—For my own part, I see so little merit in the world, that I have laid it down as a maxim, to encourage the least appearance of genius and virtue, to the utmost of my power.—You have a great deal of both; and will not fail of making a figure one day, if I am not mista­ken; but you must lay your account with mounting by gradual steps to the summit of your fortune.— Rome was not built in a day. As you understand the lan­guages perfectly well, how would you like to cross the sea, as secretary to an embassy?’—I assured his Lord­ship with great eagerness, that nothing could be more agreeable to my inclination: upon which he bid me make myself easy, my business was done, for he had a place of that kind in his view.—This piece of generosity affected me so much, that I was unable for some time to express my gratitude, which at length broke out in acknowledg­ments of my own unworthiness, and encomiums on his be­nevolence.—I could not even help shedding tears at the goodness of this noble Lord, who no sooner perceived them, than he caught me in his arms, hugged and kissed [Page 114] me with a seemingly paternal affection.—Confounded at this uncommon instance of fondness for a stranger, I re­mained a few moments silent and ashamed, then rose and took my leave, after he had assured me that he would speak to the minister in my favour that very day, and de­sired that I would not for the future give myself the trou­ble of attending at his levee, but come at the same hour every day when he should be at leisure, which was three times a-week.

Though my hopes were now very sanguine, I determined to conceal my prospect from every body, even from Strap, until I should be more certain of success, and in the mean time give my patron no respite from my solicitations. When I renewed my visit, I found the street-door opened to me as if by enchantment; but, in my passage towards the presence-room, I was met by the valet de chambre, who cast some furious looks at me, the meaning of which I could not comprehend. The Earl saluted me at entrance with a tender embrace, and wished me joy of his success with the premier, who, he said, had preferred his recom­mendation to that of two other noblemen very urgent in behalf of their respective friends, and absolutely promised that I should go to a certain foreign court in quality of secretary to an ambassador and plenipotentiary, who was to set out in a few weeks on an affair of vast importance to the nation. I was thunderstruck with my good for­tune, and could make no other reply, than kneel and at­tempt to kiss my benefactor's hand, which he would not permit, but raising me up, pressed me to his breast with surprising emotion, and told me he had now taken upon himself the care of making my fortune.—What enhanced the value of the benefit still the more, was his making light of the favour, and shifting the conversation to ano­ther subject: among other topics of discourse, that of the Belle Lettres was introduced, upon which his Lordship held forth with great taste and erudition, and discovered an intimate knowledge of the authors of antiquity.— ‘Here's a book,’ said he, taking one from his bosom, ‘writ­ten with great elegance and spirit, and though the sub­ject may giv [...] offence to some narrow-minded people, the author will always be held in esteem by every per­son of wit and learning.’—So saying he put into my [Page 115] hand Petronius Arbiter, and asked my opinion of his wit and manner.—I told him, that, in my opinion, he wrote with great ease and vivacity, but was withal so lewd and indecent, that he ought to find no quarter or protection among people of morals and taste.—"I own," replied the Earl, ‘that his taste in love is generally decried, and in­deed condemned by our laws; but perhaps that may be more owing to prejudice and misapprehension, than to true reason and deliberation.—The best man among the ancients is said to have entertained that passion; one of the wisest of their legislators has permitted the indulgence of it in his commonwealth; the most cele­brated poets have not scrupled to avow it at this day; it prevails not only over all the East, but in most parts of Europe; in our own country it gains ground apace, and in all probability will become in a short time, a more fashionable vice than simple fornication.—Indeed, there is something to be said in vindication of it; for notwithstanding the severity of the law against offend­ers in this way, it must be confessed that the practice of this passion is unattended with that curse and burden upon society, which proceeds from a race of miserable and deserted bastards, who are▪ either murdered by their parents, deserted to the utmost want and wretchedness, or bred up to prey upon the commonwealth; and it like­wise prevents the debauchery of many a young maiden, and the prostitution of honest mens wives; not to men­tion the consideration of health, which is much less liable to be impaired in the gratification of this appe­tite, than in the exercise of common venery, which by ruining the constitutions of our young men, has produ­ced a puny progeny that degenerates from generation to generation: nay, I have been told, that there is ano­ther motive perhaps more powerful than all these, that induces people to cultivate this inclination; namely, the exquisite pleasure attending its success.’

From this discourse, I began to be apprehensive that his Lordship finding I had travelled, was afraid I might have been in [...]ected with this spurious and sordid desire abroad, and took this method of sounding my sentiments on the subject.—Fired at this supposed suspicion, I argu­ed against it with great warmth, as an appetite unnatu­ral, [Page 116] absurd, and of pernicious consequence; and declared my utter detestation and abhorrence of it in these lines of the satyrist:

The Earl smiled at my indignation, told me he was glad to find my opinion of the matter so conformable to his own, and that what he had advanced was only to provoke me to an answer, with which he professed himself perfectly well pleased.

After I had enjoyed a long audience, I happened to look at my watch, in order to regulate my motions by it: and his lordship, observing the chased case, desired to see the device, and examine the execution, which he approved with some expressions of admiration. Considering the ob­ligations I lay under to his lordship, I thought there could not be a fitter opportunity than the present to manifest in some shape my gratitude; I therefore begged he would do me the honour to accept of the watch as a small testi­mony of the sense I had of his Lordship's generosity; but he refused it in a peremptory manner, and said he was sorry I should entertain such a mercenary opinion of him, observing at the same time, that it was the most beautiful piece of workmanship he had ever seen, and desiring to know where he could have such another. I begged a thousand pardons for the freedom I had taken, which I hoped he would impute to nothing else than the highest veneration for his person—told him that, as it came to my hand by accident in France, I could give him no information about the maker; for there was no name on the inside; and once more humbly entreated, that he would indulge me so far as to use it for my sake. He was still positive in refusing it, but was pleased to thank me for my generous offer, saying, it was a present that no noble­man need be ashamed of receiving, though he was resolved to shew his disinterestedness with regard to me, for whom he had conceived a particular friendship, and insisted (if I was willing to part with the watch) upon knowing what it cost, that he might at least indemnify me by refunding [Page 117] the money. On the other hand I assured his lordship, that I should look upon it as an uncommon mark of distinction, if he would take it without farther question; and, rather than disoblige me, he was at last persuaded to put it in his pocket, to my no small satisfaction, who took my leave immediately, after having received a kind squeeze, and an injunction to depend on his promise.

Buoyed up with this reception, my heart opened; I gave away a guinea among the lacqueys who escorted me to the door, flew to the lodgings of Lord Straddle upon whom I forced my diamond ring as an acknowledgment for the great service he had done me, and from thence hied myself home, with an intent of sharing my happiness with honest Strap. I determined, however, to heighten his pleasure by depressing his spirits at first, and then bringing in the good news with double relish. For this purpose I affected the appearance of disappointment and chagrin, and told him in an abrupt manner, that I had lost the watch and diamond. Poor Hugh, who had been already harrassed into a consumption by intelligence of this sort, no sooner heard these words than, unable to contain himself, he cried with distraction in his looks, ‘God in heaven forbid!’—I could carry on the farce no longer, but, laughing in his face, told him every thing that had passed as before recited. His features were immediately un­bended, and the transition so affecting, that he wept with joy, calling my Lord Strutwell by the appellations of jewel, phoenix, rara avis, and praising God, that there was still some virtue among our nobility. Our mutual con­gratulations being over, we gave way to our imagination, and anticipated our happiness by prosecuting our success through the different steps of promotion, till I arrived at the rank of prime minister, and he to that of my first secretary.

Intoxicated with these ideas, I went to the ordinary, where, meeting with Banter, I communicated the whole affair in confidence to him, concluding with an assurance, that I would do him all the service in my power. He heard me to an end with great patience, then, regarding me a good while with a look of disdain, pronounced, "So, your business is done, you think!"— ‘As good as done, I believe,’ said I. "I'll tell you," replied he, [Page 118] ‘what will do it more effectually—a halter—'Sdeath! if I had been such a gull to two such scoundrels as Strut­well and Straddle, I would without any more ado tuck myself up.’ Shocked at this exclamation, I desired him, with some confusion, to explain himself: upon which he gave me to understand, that Straddle was a poor con­temptible wretch, who lived by borrowing, and pimping for his fellow peers; that, in consequence of this last ca­pacity, he had doubtless introduced me to Strutwell, who was so notorious for a passion for his own sex, that he was amazed his character had never reached my ears; and that so far from being able to obtain for me the post he had promised, his interest at court was so low, that he could scarce provide for a superannuated footman once a-year in the customs or excise;—that it was a common thing for him to amuse strangers, whom his jackals run down, with such assurances and caresses as he had bestowed on me, until he had stripped them of their cash, and every thing valuable about them, very often of their chastity, and then leave them a prey to want and infamy—that he allowed his ser­vants no other wages than that part of the spoil which they could glean by their industry—and that the whole of his conduct towards me was so glaring, that nobody who knew any thing of mankind could have been imposed upon by his insinuations.

I leave the reader to judge how I relished this piece of information, which precipitated me from the most exalted pinnacle of hope to the lowest abyss of despondence, and well nigh determined me to take Banter's advice, and finish my chagrin with a halter. I had no room to suspect the veracity of my friend, because, upon recollection, I found every circumstance of Strutwell's behaviour exactly tal­lying with the character he had described: his hugs, em­braces, squeezes, and eager looks, were now no longer a mystery—no more than his defence of Petronius, and the jealous frown of his valet de chambre, who, it seems, had been the favourite pathic of his lord.

CHAP. XVI.

I WAS so confounded that I could make no reply to Ban­ter, who reproached me with great indignation for having thrown away upon rascals that, which, had it been converted into ready money, would have supported the rank of a gentleman for some months, and enabled me at the same time to oblige my friends. Stupified as I was, I could easily divine the source of his concern, but sneaked away in a solitary manner, without yielding the least an­swer to his expostulations, and began to deliberate with myself in what manner I should attempt to retrieve the moveables I had so foolishly lost. I should have thought it no robbery to take them again by force, could I have done it without any danger of being detected; but, as I could have no such opportunity, I resolved to work by finesse, and go immediately to the lodgings of Straddle, where I was so fortunate as to find him.—"My Lord," said I, ‘I have just now recollected, that the diamond I had the honour of presenting to you is loosened in the socket, and there is a young fellow just arrived from Paris, who is reckoned the best jeweller in Europe; I knew him in France; and, if your Lordship will give me leave, I will carry the ring to him to be set to rights.’ His lordship was not to be caught in the snare—he thanked me for my offer, and told me, that, having himself observed the defect, he had already sent it to his own jeweller to be mended: and indeed, by [Page 120] this time, I believe it was in the jeweller's hands, though not in order to be mended; for it stood in need of no al­teration.

Baulked in this piece of politics, I cursed my simplicity, but resolved to play a surer game with the earl, which I thus devised. I did not doubt of being admitted into fa­miliar conversation with him as before, and hoped by some means to get the watch into my hand, then, on pretence of winding or playing with it, drop it on the floor, which in all probability would disorder the work so as to stop its motion. This event would furnish me with an opportunity of insisting upon carrying it away in order to be repaired; and had this happened, I should have been in no hurry to bring it back. What pity it was I could not find an oc­casion of putting this fine scheme in execution! When I went to renew my visit to his lordship, my access to the parlour was a [...] free as ever; but, after I had waited some time, the valet de chambre came in with his lord's com­pliments, and a desire to see me to-morrow at his levee, being at present so much indisposed that he could not see company. I interpreted his message into a bad omen, and came away, muttering curses against his lordship's polite­ness, and ready to go to loggerheads with myself for being so egregriously [...]. But, that I might have some satis­faction for the loss I had sustained, I besieged him closely at his levee, and persecuted him with my solicitations, not without faint hopes, indeed, of reaping something more from my industry than the bare pleasure of making him uneasy, though I could never obtain another private hearing during the whole course of my attendance; nei­ther had I resolution enough to undeceive Strap, whose looks in a little time were so whetted with impatience, that whenever I came home, his eyes devoured me, as it were, with eagerness of attention.

At length, however, finding myself reduced to my last guinea, I was compelled to disclose my necessity, though I endeavoured to sweeten the discovery by rehearsing to him the daily assurances I received from my patron. But these promises were not of efficacy sufficient to support the spirits of my friend, who no sooner understood the lowness of my finances than, uttering a dreadful groan, he ex­claimed, "In the name of God, what shall we do?" In [Page 121] order to comfort him, I said that many of my acquaint­ance, who were in a worse condition than we, supported, notwithstanding, the character and appearance of gentle­men, and advising him to thank God, that we had as yet incurred no debt, proposed he should pawn my sword of steel inlaid with gold, and trust to my discretion for the rest. This expedient was wormwood and gall to poor Strap, who, in spite of his invincible affection for me, still retained notions of economy and expence suitable to the narrowness of his education; nevertheless, he complied with my request, and raised seven pieces on the sword in a twinkling. This supply, inconsiderable as it was, made me as happy for the present as if I had five hundred pounds in bank; for by this time I was so well skilled in procrastinating every troublesome reflection, that the pro­spect of want seldom affected me very much, let it be ever so near: and now, indeed, it was nearer than I imagined; for my landlord, having occasion for money, put me in mind of my being indebted to him five guineas in lodging, and, telling me that he had a sum to make up, begged I would excuse his importunity, and discharge the debt. Though I could ill spare so much cash, my pride took the resolution of disbursing it, which I did in a cavalier man­ner, after he had written a discharge, telling him with an air of scorn and resentment, I saw he was resolved that I should not be long in his books, while Strap, who stood by, and knew my circumstances, wrung his hands in se­cret, gnawed his nether lip, and turned yellow with de­spair. Whatever appearance of indifference my vanity enabled me to put on, I was thunderstruck with this de­mand, which I had no sooner satisfied than I hastened into company, with a view of beguiling my cares with conver­sation, or drowning them in wine.

After dinner accordingly a party was made in the cof­fee-house, from whence we adjourned to the tavern, where instead of sharing the mirth of the company, I was as much chagrined at their good humour as a damned soul in hell would be at a glimpse of heaven.—In vain did I swallow bumper after bumper! the wine had lost its effect upon me, and so far from raising my dejected spirits, could not [...]ven lay me asleep.—Banter who was the only inti­mate I had, (Strap excepted,) perceived my anxiety, and [Page 122] when we broke up, reproached me with pusillanimity, for being cast down at any disappointment that such a rascal as Strutwell could be the occasion of.—I told him I did not at all see how Strutwell's being a rascal alleviated my misfortune: and gave him to understand, that my present grief did not so much proceed from that disappointment, as from the low ebb of my fortune, which was sunk to something less than two guineas.—At this declaration he cried, "Pshaw! is that all?" and assured me there were a thousand ways of living in town without fortune, he himself having subsisted many years entirely by his wit.—I expressed my eager desire of being acquainted with some of these methods, and he, without further expostulation, bid me follow him.—He conducted me to a house under the piazzas in Covent Garden, which we entered, and having delivered our swords to a grim fellow, who de­manded them at the foot of the stair-case, ascended to the second story, where I saw multitudes of people standing round two gaming tables, loaded in a manner with gold and silver.—My conductor let me know that this was the house of a worthy Scotch lord, who using the privilege of his peerage, had set up a public gaming table, from the profits of which he drew a comfortable livelihood.—He then explained the difference between the sitters and the betters; characterized the first as old rooks, and the last as bubbles; and advised me to try my fortune at the silver table, by betting a crown at a time.—Before I would venture any thing, I considered the company more particularly, and there appeared such a group of villain­ous faces, that I was struck with horror and astonishment at the sight! I signified my surprise to Banter, who whispered in my ear, that the bulk of those present were sharpers, highwaymen, and apprentices, who having em­bezzled their master's cash, made a desperate push in this place, to make up their deficiencies.—This account did not encourage me to hazard any part of my small pit­tance: but at length being teized by the importunities of my friend, who assured me there was no danger of being ill used, people being hired by the owner to see justice done to every body; I began by risking one shilling, and in less th [...]n an hour, my winning amounted to thirty.—Convinced by this time of the fairness of the game, and [Page 123] animated with success, there was no need for any further persuasion to continue the play; I lent Banter (who sel­dom had any money in his pocket) a guinea, which he carried to the gold table and lost in a moment.—He would have borrowed another, but finding me deaf to his argu­ments, went away in a pet.—Mean while my gain advan­ced to six pieces, and my desire of more increased in pro­portion; so that I moved to the higher table, where I laid half a guinea on every throw, and fortune still fa­vouring me, I became a sitter, in which capacity I re­mained until it was broad day; when I found myself, af­ter many vicissitudes, one hundred and fifty guineas in pocket.

Thinking it now high time to retire with my booty, I asked if any body would take my place, and made a mo­tion to rise; upon which an old Gascon, who sat opposite to me, and of whom I had won a little money, started up with fury in his looks, crying, ‘ Restez, foutre, restez, il faut donner moi mon ranvanchio!’ At the same time a Jew, who sat near the other, insinuated, that I was more beholden to art than fortune, for what I had got; that he had observed me wipe the table very often, and that some of the divisions seemed to be greasy. This intima­tion produced a great deal of clamour against me, espe­cially among the losers, who threatened with many oaths and imprecations, to take me up by a warrant as a sharp­er, unless I would compromise the affair by refunding the greatest part of my winning.—Though I was far from being easy under this accusation, I relied upon my inno­cence, threatened in my turn to prosecute the Jew for de­famation, and boldly offered to submit my cause to the examination of any justice in Westminster; but they knew themselves too well to put their characters on that issue, and finding I was not to be intimidated into any conces­sion, dropped their plea, and made way for me to with­draw. I would not however stir from the table until the Israelite had retracted what he had said to my disadvan­tage, and asked pardon before the whole assembly.

As I marched out with my prize, I happened to tread upon the toes of a tall, raw-boned fellow, with a hooked nose, fierce eyes, black thick eye-brows, a pig-tail wig of the same colour, and a formidable hat pulled over his [Page 124] forehead, who stood gnawing his singers in the crowd, and no sooner felt the application of my shoe-heel, than he roared out in a tremendous voice, ‘Blood and wounds, you son of a whore! what's that for?’—I asked par­don with a great deal of submission, and protested I had no intention of hurting him; but the more I humbled myself the more he stormed, and insisted upon gentleman­ly satisfaction, at the same time provoking me with scan­dalous names, that I could not put up with; so that I gave a loose to my passion, returned his Billingsgate, and challenged him to follow me down to the piazzas.—His indignation cooled as mine warmed, he refused my invi­tation, saying, he would chuse his own time, and return­ed towards the table muttering threats, which I neither dreaded nor distinctly heard; but descending with great deliberation, received my sword from the door-keeper, whom I gratified with a guinea according to the custom of the place, and went home in a rapture of joy.

My faithful valet, who had sat up all night in the ut­most uneasiness on my account, let me in with his face be­slubbered with tears, and followed me to my chamber, where he stood silent like a condemned criminal, in ex­pectation of hearing that every shilling was spent.—I gues­sed the situation of his thoughts, and assuming a sullen look, bid him fetch me some water to wash.—He replied, without lifting his eyes from the ground, ‘In my simple conjecture, you have more occasion for rest, not having, I suppose, slept these four and twenty hours.’— ‘Bring me some water,’ (said I in a peremptory tone;) upon which he sneaked away, shrugging his shoulders. Before he returned, I had spread my whole stock on the table in the most ostentations manner; so that when it first saluted his view, he stood like one intranced, and having rubbed his eyes more than once, to assure himself of his being awake, broke out into, ‘Lord have mercy upon us, what a vast treasure is here?’— ‘'Tis all our own, Strap,’ said I, ‘take what is necessary, and redeem the sword immediately.’—He advanced towards the table, stopt short by the way, looked at the money and me by turns, and with a wildness in his countenance, pro­duced from joy checked by distrust, cried, ‘I dare say it is honestly come by.’—To remove his scruples, I made [Page 125] him acquainted with the whole story of my success, [...] hearing of which, he danced about the room, in an exta­sy, crying, ‘God be praised!—a white stone! God be praised! a white stone!’—so that I was afraid the sudden change of fortune had disordered his intellects, and that he was run mad with joy.—Extremely concern­ed at this event, I attempted to reason him out of his frenzy, but to no purpose, for without regarding what I said, he continued to frisk up and down, and repeat his rhapsody of, "God be praised! a white stone!" At last I rose in the utmost consternation, and laying violent hands upon him, put a stop to his extravagance, by fix­ing him down to a settee that was in the room.—This constraint banished his delirium; he started, as if just awoke, and, terrified at my behaviour, cried, ‘What is the matter?’ When he learned the cause of my appre­hension, he was ashamed of his transports, and told me, that in mentioning the white stone, he alluded to the Dies fasti of the Romans, albo lapide notati.

Having no inclination to sleep, I secured my cash, dressed, and was just going abroad, when the servant of the house told me, there was a gentlewoman at the door who wanted to speak with me. Surprised at this infor­mation, I bid Strap show her up, and in less than a mi­nute saw a young woman of a shabby decayed appearance enter my room. After half a dozen curt'sies, she began to sob, and told me her name was Gawky; upon which I immediately recollected the features of Miss Lavement, who had been the first occasion of my misfortunes.—Though I had all the reason in the world to resent her treacherous usage of me, I was moved at her distress, and, professing my sorrow at seeing her so reduced, desired her to sit, and inquired into the particulars of her situation. She fell upon her knees, and implored my forgiveness for the injuries she had done me, protesting before God, that she was forced against her inclination into that hellish con­spiracy, which had almost deprived me of my life, by the entreaties of her husband, who, having been afterwards renounced by his father on account of his marriage with her, and unable to support a family on his pay, left his wife at her father's house, and went with the regiment to Germany, where he was broke for misbehaviour at the [Page 126] battle of Dettingen, since which time she had heard no tidings of him. She then gave me to understand, with many symptoms of penitence, that it was her misfortune to bear a child four months after marriage, by which her parents were so incensed, that she was turned out of doors with the infant, that died soon after, and had hitherto subsisted, in a miserable indigent manner, on the extorted charity of a few friends, who were now quite tired of giving; that, not knowing where or how to support her­self one day longer, she had fled for succour even to me, who of all mankind had the least cause to assist her, relying upon the generosity of my disposition, which, she hoped, would be pleased with this opportunity of avenging itself in the noblest manner on the wretch who had wronged me.—I was very much affected with her discourse, and having no cause to suspect the sincerity of her repentance, raised her up, freely pardoned all she had done against me, and promised to befriend her as much as lay in my power.

Since my last arrival in London, I had made no ad­vances to the apothecary, imagining it would be impos­sible for me to make my innocence appear, so unhappily was my accusation circumstanced: Strap indeed had la­boured to justify me to the schoolmaster; but so far from succeeding in his attempt, Mr. Concordance dropt all cor­respondence with him, because he refused to quit his connection with me.—Things being in this situation, I thought a fairer opportunity of vindicating my character could not offer, than that which now presented itself; therefore stipulated with Mrs. Gawky, that before I yield­ed her the least assistance, she should do me the justice to clear my reputation, by explaining upon oath before a magistrate, the whole of the conspiracy, as it had been executed against me.—When she had given me this satis­faction, I presented her with five guineas, a sum so much above her expectation, that she could scarce believe the evidence of her senses, and was ready to worship me for my benevolence.—The declaration, signed with her own hand, I sent to her father, who, upon recollecting and comparing the circumstances of my charge, was convinced of my integrity, and waited on me next day, in company with his friend the schoolmaster, to whom he had commu­nicated [Page 127] my vindication.—After mutual salutation Mon­sieur Lavement began a long apology for the unjust treat­ment I received; but I saved him a good deal of breath, by interrupting his harangue, and assuring him, that so far from entertaining any resentment against him, I thought myself obliged to his lenity, which allowed me to escape, after such strong presumptions of guilt appear­ed against me. Mr. Concordance thinking it now his turn to speak, observed, that Mr. Random had too much candour and sagacity to be disobliged at their conduct, which, all things considered, could not have been other­wise, with any honesty of intention, "Indeed," said he, ‘if the plot had been unravelled to us by any supernatu­ral intelligence; if [...]t had been whispered by a genie, communicated by a dream, or revealed by an angel from on high, we should have been to blame in credit­ing ocular demonstration; but as we were left in the mist of mortality, it cannot be expected we should be incapable of imposition.—I do assure you, Mr. Ran­dom, no man on earth is more pleased than I am at the triumph of your character: and as the news of your misfortune panged me to the very entrails, this mani­festation of your innocence makes my midrif quiver with joy.’—I thanked him for his concern, desired them to undeceive those of their acquaintance who judged harshly of me, and having treated them with a glass of wine, represented to Lavement the deplorable condition of his daughter, and pleaded her cause so effectually, that he consented to settle a small annuity on her for life; but could not be persuaded to take her home, because her mo­ther was so much incensed that she would never see her.

CHAP. XVII.

HAVING finished this affair to my satisfaction, I [...]ound myself perfectly at ease, and, looking upon the [Page 128] gaming-table as a certain resource for a gentleman in want, became more gay than ever. Although my clothe [...] were almost as good as new, I grew ashamed of wearing them, because I thought every body by this time had got an inventory of my wardrobe: for which reason I disposed of a good part of my apparel to a salesman in Monmouth street for half the value, and bought two new suits with the money: I likewise purchased a plain gold watch, des­pairing of recovering that which I had so foolishly given to Strutwell, whom, notwithstanding, I still continued to visit at his levee, until the ambassador he had mentioned set out with a secretary of his own chusing. I thought myself then at liberty to expostulate with his lordship, whom I treated with great freedom in a letter for amusing me with vain hopes, when he neither had the power nor inclination to provide for me. Nor was I less reserved with Straddle, whom I in person reproached for misrepre­senting to me the character of Strutwell, which I did not scruple to aver was infamous in every respect. He seemed very much enraged at my freedom, talked a great deal about his quality and honour, and began to make some comparisons, which I thought so injurious to mine, that I demanded an explanation with great warmth, and he was mean enough to equivocate, and condescend in such a manner, that I left him with an hearty contempt of his behaviour.

About this time Banter, who had observed a surprising and sudden alteration in my appearance and disposition, began to enquire very minutely into the cause, and as I did not think fit to let him know the true state of the af­fair, lest he might make free with my purse, on the strength of having proposed the scheme that filled it, I told him that I had received a small supply from a relation in the country, who at the same time had promised to use all his interest (which was not small) in soliciting some post for me, that would make me easy for life. ‘If that be the case,’ said Banter, ‘perhaps you won't care to mortify yourself a little in making your fortune ano­ther way—I have a relation who is to set out for Bath next week with an only daughter, who, being sickly and decrepid, intends to drink the waters for the reco­very of her health. Her father, who was a rich Tur­key [Page 129] merchant, died about a year ago, and left her with a fortune of twenty thousand pounds, under the sole management of her mother who is my kinswoman. I would have put in for the plate myself, but there is a breach a [...] present between the old woman and me. You must know that sometime ago I borrowed a small sum of her, and promised, it seems, to pay it before a cer­tain time; but, being disappointed in my expectation of money from the country, the day elapsed without my being able to take up my note; upon which, she wrote a peremptory letter, threatening to arrest me, if I did not pay the debt immediately: nettled at this precise behaviour, I sent a damned severe answer, which enra­ged her so much, that she actually took out a writ against me: whereupon, finding the thing grow serious, [...] a friend to advance the money for me, discharged the debt, went to her house, and abused her for her unfriendly dealing. She was provoked by my reproach­es, and scolded in her turn. The little deformed urchin joined her mother with such virulence and volubility of tongue, that I was fain to make my retreat, after ha­ving been honoured with a great many scandalous epi­thets, which gave me plainly to understand, that I had nothing to expect from the esteem of the one, or the af­fection of the other. As they are both utter strangers to life, it is a thousand to one but the girl will be pick­ed up by some scoundrel or other at Bath, if I don't provide for her otherwise. You are a well-looking fel­low, Random, and [...] behave as demurely as a Quaker. Now, if you will give me an obligation for five hundred pounds to be paid six months after your marriage, I will put you in a method of carrying her in spite of all opposition.’

This proposal was too advantageous for me to be refu­sed: the writing was immediately [...] up, and executed; and Banter giving me notice of th [...] time when, and the stage-coach in which they were to for out, I bespoke a place in the same convenience, and having hired a horse for Strap, who was charmed with the project, set out ac­cordingly.

As we embarked before day, I had not the pleasure for some time of seeing Miss Snapper, (that wa [...] the name of [Page 130] my mistress,) nor even perceiving the number and sex of my fellow-travellers, although I guessed that the coach was full, by the difficulty I found in seating myself.—The first five minutes passed in a general silence, when all of a sudden, the coach heeling to one side, a boisterous voice pronounced, ‘To the right and left, cover your flanks, damme! whiz!’ I easily discovered by the tone and matter of this exclamation, that it was uttered by a son of Mars; neither was it hard to conceive the profes­sion of another person, who sat opposite to me, and ob­served, that we ought to have been well satisfied of the security, before we entered upon the premises.—These two sallies had not the desired effect: we continued a good while as mute as before, till at length the gentleman of the sword, impatient of longer silence, made a second ef­fort, by swearing he had got into a meeting of Quakers.—"I believe so too," said a shrill female voice, at my left hand, "for the spirit of folly begins to move."— ‘Out with it then, madam,’ replied the soldier. ‘You seem to have no occasion for a midwife,’ cried the lady.—"D—n my blood!" exclaimed the other, ‘a man can't talk to a woman but she immediately thinks of a mid­wife.’—"True, Sir," said she, ‘I long to be deli­vered.’—"What! of a mouse, madam?" said he.—"No, Sir," said she, "of a fool."— ‘Are you far gone with fool?’ said he. "Little more than two miles," said she. "By Gad you're a wit, madam," cried the officer. ‘I wish I could with any justice return the com­pliment,’ said the lady. "Zounds!—I have done," said he. ‘Your bolt is soon shot, according to the pro­verb,’ said she. The warrior's powder was quite spent; the lawyer advised him to drop the prosecution; and a grave matron, who sat on the left hand of the victorious wit, told her she must not let her tongue run so fast among strangers. This reprimand, softened with the appellation of child, convinced me, that the satirical lady was no other than Miss Snapper, and I resolved to regulate my conduct accordingly. The champion, finding himself so smartly handled, changed his battery, and began to expa­tiate on his own exploits. "You talk of shot, Madam," said he, ‘damme! I have both given and received some shot in my time—I was wounded in the shoulder by a [Page 131] pistol ball at Dettingen▪ where—I say nothing—but by G—d! if it had not been for me—all's one for that—I despise boasting, damme! whiz!’—So saying, he whistled one part, and hummed another of the Black Joke; then, addressing himself to the lawyer, went on thus: ‘Wouldn't you think it damned hard, after having, at the risk of your life, recovered the standard of a regi­ment that had been lost, to receive no preferment for your pains! I don't chuse to name no names, sink me! but, howsomever, this I will refer, by G—d, and that is this—a musqueteer of the French guards, having ta­ken a standard from a certain cornet of a certain regi­ment, damme! was retreating with the prize as fast as his horses heels could carry him, sink me! upon which, I snatched up a firelock that belonged to a dead man, damme! whiz! and shot his horse under him, d—n my blood! The fellow got upon his feet, and began to re­pose me; upon which I charged my bayonet breast­high, and run him through the body, by G—d!—One of his comrades, coming to his assistance, shot me in the shoulder as I told you before, and another gave me a confusion on the head with the butt-end of his car­bine; but damme, that did not signify—I killed one, put the other to flight, and, taking up the standard, carried it off very deliberately. But the best joke of all was, the son of a b—of a cornet, who had surrendered it in a cowardly manner, seeing it in my possession, de­manded it from me in the front of the line.’ ‘D—n my blood,’ says he, ‘where did you find my stand­ard?’ says he. "D—n my blood," said I, "where," said I, "did you lose it?" said I. ‘That's nothing to you,’ says he; "'tis my standard," says he, ‘and by G—d, I'll have it,’ says he. ‘D—n—tion seize me,’ says I, "if you shall." says I, ‘till I have first delivered it to the general,’ says I: and accordingly I ‘went to the head quarters after the battle, and delivered it to my Lord Stair, who promised to do for me, but I am no more than a poor lieutenant still, d—n my blood.’

Having vented this repetition of expletive, the lawyer owned he had not been requited according to his deserts, observed that the labourer is always worthy of his hire, [Page 132] and asked if the promise was made before witnesses, be­cause in that case the law would compel the general to perform it—but understanding that the promise was made, during a téte a téte, over a bottle, without being restricted to time or terms, he pronounced it not valid in law, pro­ceeded to inquire into the particulars of the battle, and affirmed, that, although the English had drawn themselves into a premunire at first, the French managed their cause so lamely in the course of their dispute, that they would have been utterly nonsuited, had they not obtained a noli prosequi.—In spite of these enlivening touches, the conver­sation was like to suffer another long interruption, when the lieutenant, unwilling to conceal any of his accomplishments that could be displayed in his present situation, offered to regale the company with a song, and, interpreting our silence into a desire of hearing, began to warble a fashion­able air, the first stanza of which he pronounced thus:

The sense of the rest he perverted, as he went on, with such surprising facility, that I could not help thinking he had been at some pains to burlesque the performance. Miss Snapper ascribed it to the true cause, namely, igno­rance, and, when he asked her how she relished the music, answered, in her opinion, the music and the words were much of a piece. "O! d—n my blood!' said he, ‘I take that as a high compliment; for every body allows the words are damnable fine.’ "They may be so," replied the lady, ‘for aught I know, but they are above my comprehension.’— ‘I an't obliged to find you com­prehension, Madam, curse me!’ cried he.— ‘No, nor to speak sense neither,’ said she.—"D—n my heart," said he, "I'll speak what I please." Here the lawyer inter­posed by telling him there were some things he must not speak; and upon being defied to give an instance, mentioned, treason and defamation. "As for the king," cried the soldier, ‘God bless him—I eat his bread, and have lost blood in his cause, therefore I have nothing to say [Page 133] to him—but by G—d, I dare say any thing to any other man.’—"No," said the lawyer; ‘you dare not call me a rogue.’—"Damme, for why?" said the other.—"Because," replied the counsellor, ‘I should have a good action against you, and recover.’— ‘Well, well,’ cried the officer, ‘if I dare not call you a rogue, I dare think you one, damme!’ This stroke of wit he accompanied with a loud laugh of self-approbation, which unluckily did not affect the audience, but effectually silen­ced his antagonist, who did not open his mouth for the space of an hour, except to clear his pipes with three hems, which, however, produced nothing.

CHAP. XVIII.

IN the mean time day breaking in upon us, discovered to one another the faces of their fellow-travellers, and I had the good fortune to find my mistress not quite so deformed nor disagreeable as she had been represented to me. Her head, indeed, bore some resemblance to a hatch­et, the edge being represented by her face; but she had a certain delicacy in her complexion, and a great deal of vivacity in her eyes, which were very large and black; and though the protuberance of her breast, when consi­dered alone, seemed to drag her forwards, it was easy to perceive an equivalent on her back which balanced the other, and kept her body in equilibrio. On the whole, I thought I should have great reason to congratulate myself, [Page 134] if it should be my fate to possess twenty thousand pounds encumbered with such a wife. I began, therefore, to de­liberate about the most probable means of acquiring the conquest, and was so much engrossed by this idea, that I scarce took any notice of the rest of the people in the coach, but revolved my prospect in silence, while the con­versation was maintained as before by the object of my hopes, the son of Mar [...], and the barrister, who by this time had recollected himself, and talked in terms as much as ever. At length a dispute happened, which ended in a wager to be determined by me, who was so much absorbed in contemplation, that I neither heard the reference nor the question which was put to me by each in his turn. Affronted at my supposed contempt, the soldier with great vociferation swore, I was either dumb or deaf, if not both, and that I looked as if I could not say boh to a goose.—Aroused at this observation, I fixed my eyes upon him, and pronounced with emphasis the interjection boh! Upon which he cocked his hat in a fierce manner, and cried, "Damme, Sir, what d'ye mean by that?" Had I in­tended to answer him, which by the bye was not my de­sign, I should have been anticipated by miss, who told him my meaning was to shew, that I could cry boh to a goose, and laughed very heartily at my laconic reproof. Her explanation and mirth did not help to appease his wrath which broke out in several martial insinuations, such as— ‘I do not understand such freedoms, damme!—D—n my blood! I'm a gentleman, and bear the king's commission—'Sblood! some people deserve to have their noses pulled for their impertinence.’ I thought to have checked these ejaculations by a frown, because he had talked so much of his valour, that I had long ago rated him an ass in a lion's skin; but, so far from answer­ing my expectations, he took umbrage at the contraction of my brows, swore he did not value my sulky look a fig's end, and protested he feared no man breathing. Miss Snapper said, she was very glad to find herself in company with a man of so much courage, who she did not doubt would protect us all from the attempts of highwaymen during our journey. ‘Make yourself perfectly easy on that head, Madam,’ replied the officer; ‘I have got a pair of pistols (here they are) which I took from a [Page 135] horse-officer at the battle of Dettingen—they are dou­ble-loaded, and if any highwayman in England robs you of the value of a pin, while I have the honour of being in your company, d—n my heart.’ When he had expressed himself in this manner, a prim gentlewoman, who had sat silent hitherto, opened her mouth, and said, she wondered how any man could be so rude as to pull out such weapons before ladies. "Damme, Madam," cried the champion, ‘if you are so much afraid at sight of a pistol, how d'ye propose to stand fire if there should be occasion?’ She then told him, that if she thought he could be so unmannerly as to use fire arms in her presence, whatever might be the occasion, she would get out of the coach immediately, and walk to the next village, where she might procure a convenience to herself. Before he could make any answer, my Dulcinea interposed, and ob­served, that, so far from being offended at a gentleman's using his arms in his own defence, she thought herself very lucky in being along with one by whose valour she stood a good chance of saving herself from being rifled. The prude cast a disdainful look at miss, and said, that people who had but little to lose are sometimes the most solicitous about preserving it. The old lady was affronted at this inuendo, and took notice, that people ought to be very well informed before they speak slightingly of other people's fortunes, lest they discover their own envy, and make them­selves ridiculous. The daughter declared, that she did not pretend to vie with any body in point of riches, and if the lady who insisted upon non-resistance, would promise to in­demnify us all for the loss we should sustain, she would be one of the first to persuade the captain to submission, in case we should be attacked. To this proposal, reasonable as it was, the reserved lady made no other reply than a scornful glance, and a toss of her head. I was very well pleased with the spirit of my mistress, and even wished for an opportunity of distinguishing my courage under her eye, which I believed could not fail of prepossessing her in my fa­vour, when all of a sudden Strap rode up to the coach-door, and told us in a great fright, that two men on horseback were crossing the heath, (for by this time we had passed Hounslow,) and made directly towards us. This piece of information was no sooner delivered than Mrs. Snapper [Page 136] began to scream, her daughter grew pale, the other lady pulled out her purse to be in readiness, the lawyer's teeth chattered, while he pronounced, ‘'Tis no matter—we'll sue the county, and recover;’ the captain gave evident signs of confusion, and I, after having commanded the coachman to stop, opened the doo [...], jumped out, and in­vited the warrior to follow me: but, finding him back­ward and astonished, I took his pistols, and giving them to Strap, who, by this time, had alighted, and trembled very much, I mounted on horseback; and taking my own (which I could better depend upon) from the holsters, cocked them both, and faced the robbers, who were now very near us. Seeing me ready to oppose them on horse­back, and another man armed a-foot, they made a halt, at some distance to reconnoitre us, and after having rode round us twice, myself still facing about as they rode, went off, the same way they came, at a hand gallop. A gentleman's servant coming up with a horse at the same time, I offered him a crown to assist me in pursuing them, which he no sooner accepted than I armed him with the officer's pistols, and we galloped after the thieves, who, trusting to the swiftness of their horses, stopped till we came within shot of them, and then firing at us, put their nags to the full speed. We followed them as fast as our beasts could carry us, but not being so well mounted as they, our efforts would have been to little purpose, had not the horse of one of them stumbled, and thrown his rider with such violence over his head, that he lay sense­less when we came up, and was taken without the least op­position, while his comrade consulted his own safety in flight, without regarding the distress of his friend. We scarce had time to make ourselves masters of his arms, and tie his hands together, before he recovered his senses, when, learning his situation, he affected surprize, demanded to know by what authority we used a gentleman in that manner, and had the impudence to threaten us with a prosecution for robbery. In the mean time we perceived Strap coming up with a crowd of people armed with dif­ferent kinds of weapons, and among the rest a farmer, who no sooner perceived the thief whom we had secured, than he cried with great emotion, ‘There's the fellow who robbed me an hour ago of twenty pounds in a [Page 137] canvas bag.’ He was immediately searched, and the money sound exactly as it had been described: upon which, we committed him to the charge of the countryman, who carried him to the town of Hounslow, which it seems the farmer had alarmed; and I having satisfied the footman for his trouble, according to promise, returned with Strap to the coach, where I found the captain and lawyer busy in administering smelling-bottles and cordials to the grave lady, who had gone into a fit at the noise of the firing.

When I had taken my seat, Miss Snapper, who from the coach had seen every thing that happened, made me a compliment on my behaviour, and said she was glad to see me returned, without having received any injury; her mother too owned herself obliged to my resolution; and the lawyer told me, that I was entitled by act of parlia­ment to a reward of forty pounds, for having apprehend­ed a highwayman.—The soldier observed, with a counte­nance in which impudence and shame struggling produced some disorder, that if I had not been in such a damned hurry to get out of the coach, he would have secured the rogues effectually, without all this bustle and loss of time, by a scheme which my heat and precipitation ruined.—"For my own part," continued he, ‘I am always ex­tremely cool on these occasions.’— ‘So it appeared by your trembling,’ said the young lady.— ‘Death and damnation!’ cried he, ‘your sex protects you, Ma­dam: if any man on earth durst tell me so much, I'd send him to hell, damn my heart! in an instant.’—So saying, he fixed his eyes upon me, and asked if I had seen him tremble.—I answered without hesitation, "Yes."—"Damme, Sir," said he, "d'ye doubt my courage?"—I replied, "Very much."—This declaration quite dis­concerted him.—He looked blank, and pronounced with a faultering voice, ‘Oh! 'tis very well—D—n my blood! I shall find a time.’—I signified my contempt of him, by thrusting my tongue in my cheek, which humbled him so much, that he scarce swore another oath aloud during the whole journey.

The precise lady, having recruited her spirits by the help of some strong waters, began a soliloquy, in which she wondered that any man who pretended to maintain the character of a gentleman, could, for the sake of a little [Page 138] paultry coin, throw persons of honour into such quan­daries as might endanger their lives; and professed her surprize, that women were not ashamed to commend such brutality. At the same time vowing, that for the future she would never set foot in a stage-coach, if a private con­venience could be had for love or money.

Nettled at her remarks, I took the same method of con­veying my sentiments, and wondered in my turn, that any woman of common sense should be so unreasonable as to expect that people, who had neither acquaintance nor connection with her, would tamely allow themselves to be robbed and mal-treated, merely to indulge her capricious humour. I likewise professed my astonishment at her in­solence and ingratitude in taxing a person with brutality, who deserved her approbation and acknowledgment; and vowed, that if ever we should be assaulted again, I would leave her to the mercy of the spoiler, that she might know the value of my protection.

This person of honour did not think fit to carry on the altercation any further, but seemed to chew the cud of her resentment with the crest-fallen captain, while I en­tered into discourse with my charmer, who was the more pleased with my conversation, as she had conceived a very indifferent opinion of my intellects from my former silence. I should have had cause to be equally satisfied with the sprightliness of her genius, could she have curbed her ima­gination with judgment; but she laboured under such a profusion of talk, that I dreaded her unruly tongue, and felt by anticipation the horrors of an eternal clack! How­ever, when I considered on the other hand, the joys at­tending the possession of twenty thousand pounds, I for­got her imperfections, seized occasion by the forelock, and endeavoured to insinuate myself into her affection.—The careful mother kept a strict watch over her, and though she could not help behaving civilly to me, took frequent opportunities of discouraging our communica­tion, by reprimanding her for being so free with strangers and telling her she must learn to speak less and think more.—Abridged of the use of speech, we conversed with our eyes, and found the young lady very eloquent in this kind of discourse. In short, I had reason to believe, that she was sick of the old gentlewoman's tuition, and [Page 139] that I should find it no difficult matter to supersede her authority.

When we arrived at the place where we were to break­fast, I alighted, and helped my mistress out of the coach, as well as her mother, who called for a private room, to which they withdrew, in order to eat by themselves.—As they retired together, I perceived that Miss had [...] more twists from nature than I had before observed, being bent sideways into the figure of an S, so that her progression very much resembled that of a crab.—The prude also chose the captain for her mess-mate, and ordered break­fast for two only to be brought into another separate room; while the lawyer and I, deserted by the rest of the company, were fain to put up with each other. I was a good deal chagrined at the stately reserve of Mrs. Snap­per, who I thought did not use me with all the complai­sance I deserved; and my companion declared, that he had been a traveller these twenty years, and never knew the stage-coach rules so much infringed before. As for the honourable gentlewoman, I could not conceive the meaning of her attachment to the lieutenant; and asked the law­yer if he knew for which of the soldier's virtues she ad­mired him; the counsellor facetiously replied, ‘I suppose the lady knows him to be an able conveyancer, and wants him to make a settlement intail.’—I could not help laughing at the archness of the barrister, who entertained me during breakfast with a good deal of wit of the same kind, at the expence of our fellow-travellers; and among other things said, he was sorry to find the young lady sad­dled with such incumbrances.

When we had made an end of our repast, and paid our reckoning, we went into the coach, took our places, and bribed the driver with sixpence, to revenge us on the rest of his fare, by hurrying them away in the midst of their meal.—This he performed to our satisfaction, after he had disturbed their enjoyment with his importunate clamour. The mother and daughter obeyed the summons first, and coming to the coach door, were obliged to desire the coachman's assistance to get in, because the lawyer and I had agreed to shew our resentment by our neglect.—They were no sooner seated than the captain appeared, as much heated as if he had been pursued a dozen miles by an ene­my; [Page 140] and immediately after him came the lady, not with­out some marks of disorder.—Having helped her up, he entered himself, growling a few oaths against the coach­man for his impertinent interruption; and the lawyer com­forted him by saying, that if he had suffered a nisi prius through the obstinacy of the defendant, he might have an opportunity to join issue at the next stage. This last ex­pression gave offence to the grave gentlewoman, who told him, if she was a man, she would make him repent of such obscenity, and thanked God she had never been in such company before.—At this insinuation, the captain thought himself under a necessity of espousing the lady's cause; and accordingly threatened to cut off the lawyer's ears, if he should give his tongue any such liberties for the fu­ture. The poor counsellor begged pardon, and universal silence ensued.

CHAP. XIX.

DURING this unsocial interval my pride and interest maintained a severe conflict, on the subject of Miss Snapper, whom the one represented as unworthy of my notice, and the other proposed as the object of my whole [Page 141] attention; the advantages and disadvantages attending such a match, were opposed to one another by my ima­gination; and at length my judgment gave it so much in favour of the first, that I resolved to prosecute my scheme, with all the address in my power.—I thought I perceived some concern in her countenance, occasioned by my silence, which she no doubt imputed to my disgust at her mother's behaviour; and as I believed the old woman could not fail of ascribing my muteness to the same motive, I de­termined to continue that sullen conduct towards her, and fall upon some other method of manifesting my esteem for the daughter; nor was it difficult for me to make her ac­quainted with my sentiments by the expression of my looks, which I modelled into the characters of humility and love; and which were answered by her with all the sympathy and approbation I could desire. But when I began to consider, that without further opportunities of improving my success, all the progress I had hitherto made could not much avail, and that such opportunities could not be enjoyed without the mother's permission, I con­cluded, it would be requisite to vanquish her coldness and suspicion, by my assiduities and respectful behaviour on the road; and she would in all likelihood invite me to vi­sit her at Bath, where I did not fear of being able to cultivate her acquaintance as much as would be necessary to the accomplishment of my purpose.—And, indeed, ac­cident furnished me with an opportunity of obliging her so much, that she could not, with any appearance of good manners, forbear to gratify my inclination.

When we arrived at our dining-place, we found all the eatables in the inn bespoke by a certain nobleman, who had got the start of us; and in all likelihood, my mistress and her mother must have dined with Duke Humphrey, had I not exerted myself in their behalf, and bribed the landlord with a glass of wine, to curtail his Lordship's entertainment of a couple of [...] and some bacon, which I sent with my compliments to the ladies; they accepted my treat with a great many thanks, and desired I would favour them with my company at dinner, where I amused the old gentlewoman so successfully, by maintaining a seemingly disinterested ease, in the midst of my civility, that she signified a desire of being better acquainted, and [Page 142] hoped I would be so kind as to see her sometimes at Bath.—While I enjoyed myself in this manner, the precise la­dy had the good fortune to meet with her husband, who was no other than gentleman, or in other words, valet de chambre to the very nobleman whose coach stood at the door. Proud of the interest she had in the house, she af­fected to shew her power, by introducing the captain to her spouse, as a person who had treated her with great ci­vility; upon which he was invited to a share of their din­ner; while the poor lawyer finding himself utterly aban­doned, made application to me, and was, through my intercession, admitted into our company.—Having satis­fied our appetites, and made ourselves very merry at the expence of the person of honour, the civil captain and complaisant husband, I did myself the pleasure of discharg­ing the bill by stealth, for which I received a great ma­ny apologies and acknowledgments from my guests, and we re-imbarked at the first warning.—The officer was obliged at last to appease his hunger with a luncheon of bread and cheese, and a pint bottle of brandy, which he dispatched in the coach, cursing the inappetence of his Lordship, who had ordered dinner to be put back a whole hour.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which was ended about twelve o'clock, when I waited on the ladies to the house of a relation, in which they intended to lodge, and passing that night in the inn, took lodgings next morning for myself.

The forenoon was spent in visiting every thing that was worth seeing in the place, which I did in company with a gentleman to whom Banter had given me a letter of introduction; and in the afternoon I waited on the ladies, and found Miss a good deal indisposed with the fatigues of the journey.—As they foresaw they should have occa­sion for a male acquaintance, to squire them at all public places, I was received with great cordiality, and had the mother's permission to conduct them next day to the Long Room, which we no sooner entered, than the eyes of every body present were turned upon us; and whem we had suffered the martyrdom of their looks for some time, a whisper circulated at our expence, which was ac­companied with many contemptuous smiles, and tittering [Page 143] observations, to my utter shame and confusion.—I did not so much conduct as follow my charge to a place, where she seated her mother and herself, with astonishing com­posure, notwithstanding the unmannerly behaviour of the whole company; which seemed to be assumed merely to put her out of countenance.—The celebrated Mr. N—sh, who commonly attends in this place as master of the ce­remonies, perceiving the disposition of the assembly, took upon himself the task of gratifying their ill nature still farther, by exposing my mistress to the edge of his wit. With this view he approached us with many bows and grimaces, and after having welcomed Miss Snapper to the place, asked her, in the hearing of all present, if she could inform him of the name of Tobit's dog—I was so much incensed at his insolence, that I should certainly have kicked him where he stood, without ceremony, had not the young lady prevented the effects of my indigna­tion, by replying, with the utmost vivacity, ‘His name was N—sh, and an impudent dog he was.’ This re­partee, so unexpected and just, raised such an universal laugh at the aggressor, that all his assurance was insufficient to support him under their derision; so that after he had endeavoured to compose himself by taking snuff, and for­cing a smile, he was obliged to sneak off in a very ludi­crous attitude; while my Dulcinea was applauded to the skies, for the brilliancy of her wit, and her acquaintance immediately courted by the best people of both sexes in the room.—This event, with which I was infinitely plea­sed at first, did not fail of alarming me, upon further re­flection, when I considered, that the more she was cares­sed by persons of distinction, the more her pride would be inflamed, and consequently the obstacles to my success multiplied and enlarged.—Nor were my presaging fears untrue.—That very night I perceived her a little intoxi­cated with the incense she had received, and though she still behaved with a particular civility to me, I foresaw that, as soon as her fortune should be known, she would be surrounded with a swarm of admirers, some one of whom might possibly, by excelling me in point of wealth, or in the arts of flattery or scandal, supplant me in her esteem, and find means to make the mother of his party. I resolved, therefore, to lose no time, and, being invited [Page 144] to spend the evening with them, sound an opportunity, in spite of the old gentlewoman's vigilance, to explain the meaning of my glances in the coach, by paying homage to her wit, and professing myself enamoured of her person.—She blushed at my declaration, and in a favourable manner disapproved of the liberty I had taken, putting me in mind of our being strangers to each other, and desiring I would not be the means of interrupting our acquaintance, by any such unseasonable strokes of gallantry for the fu­ture.—My ardour was effectually checked by this repri­mand, which was, however, delivered in such a gentle manner, that I had no cause to be disobliged; and the arrival of her mother relieved me from a dilemma, in which I should not have known how to demean myself a mi­nute longer.—Neither could I resume the easiness of carri­age with which I came in, my mistress acted on the reserve, and the conversation beginning to flag, the old lady in­troduced her kinswoman of the house, and proposed a hand at whist.

While we amused ourselves at this diversion, I under­stood from the gentlewoman, that there was to be an as­sembly next night, at which I begged to have the honour of dancing with Miss. She thanked me for the favour I intended her, assured me she never did dance, but signi­fied a desire of seeing the company; when I offered my ser­vice, which was accepted, not a little proud of being ex­empted from appearing with her in a situation, that, not­withstanding my profession to the contrary, was not at all agreeable to my inclination.

Having supped, and continued the game, till such time as the successive yawns of the mother warned me to be gone, I took my leave, and went home, where I made Strap very happy with an account of my progress.—Next day I put on my gayest apparel, and went to drink tea at Mrs. Snapper's, according to appointment, when I found to my inexpressible satisfaction, that she was laid up with the tooth-ach, and that Miss was to be entrusted to my care.—Accordingly we set out for the ball-room, pretty early in the evening, and took possession of a com­modious place, where we had not sat longer than a quar­t [...]r of an hour, when a gentleman dressed in a green frock came in, leading a young lady, whom I immediately dis­covered [Page 145] to be the adorable Narcissa! Good Heaven! what were the thrillings of my soul at that instant! my reflec­tion was overwhelmed with a torrent of agitation! my heart throbbed with surprising violence! a sudden mist overspread my eyes! my ears were invaded with a dread­ful sound! I panted for want of breath, and, in short, was for some moments entranced!—This first tumult subsid­ing, a crowd of flattering ideas rushed upon my imagina­tion; every thing that was soft, sensible and engaging in the character of that dear creature, recurred to my re­membrance; and every favourable circumstance of my own qualifications appeared, in all the aggravation of self­conceit, to heighten my expectation!—Neither was this transport of long duration: the dread of her being alrea­dy disposed of, intervened, and overcast my enchanting reverie! My presaging apprehension represented her en­circled in the arms of some happy rival, and of conse­quence for ever lost to me! I was stung with this sugges­tion, and believing the person who conducted her to be the husband of this amiable young lady, already devoted him to my fury, and stood up to mark him for my ven­geance; when I recollected, to my unspeakable joy, her brother, the fox-hunter, in the person of her gallant.—Undeceived so much to my satisfaction in this particular, I gazed in a frenzy of delight, on the irresistible charms of his sister, who no sooner distinguished me in the crowd, than her evident confusion afforded a happy omen to my flame.—At sight of me she started, the roses instantly va­nished from her polished cheeks, and returned in a mo­ment with a double glow, that overspread her lovely neck, while her enchanting bosom heaved with strong emotion.—I hailed these favourable symptoms, and lying in wait for her looks did homage with my eyes.—She seemed to approve my declaration, by the complacency of her aspect▪ and I was so transported with the discovery, that, more than once, I was on the point of making up to her, and disclosing the throbbing of my heart in person, had not that profound veneration, which her presence always in­spired, restrained the unseasonable impulse.—All my powers being ingrossed in this manner, it may easily be imagined how ill I entertained Miss Snapper, on whom I could not now turn my eyes, without making comparisons, [Page 146] very little to her advantage.—If was not even in my pow­er to return distinct answers to the questions she asked from time to time, so that she could not help observing my absence of mind; and, having a turn for observa­tion, watched my glances, and tracing them to the di­vine object, discovered the cause of my disorder. That she might, however, be convinced of [...]he truth of her conjecture, she began to interrogate me with regard to Narcissa, and, notwithstanding all my endeavours to dis­guise my sentiments, perceived my attachment by my confusion.—Upon which, she assumed a stateliness of be­haviour, and sat silent during the remaining part of the entertainment.—At any other time I should have been prodigiously alarmed at her suspicion, but at that instant I was elevated by my passion above every other considera­tion.—The mistress of my soul having retired with her brother, I discovered so much uneasiness at my situation, that Miss Snapper proposed to go home; and while I con­ducted her to a chair, told me she had too great a regard for me to keep me any longer in torment. I feigned igno­rance of her meaning, and having seen her safely at her lodgings, took my leave, and went home in an extasy; where I disclosed every thing that had happened to my confidant and humble servant Strap, who did not relish the accident so well as I expected; and observed, that a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.—"But however," said he, "you know best,—you know best."—Next day as I went to the bath, in hopes of seeing or hearing some tidings of my fair enslaver, I was met by a gentlewoman, who ha­ving looked hard at me, cried, "O Christ, Mr. Random!" Surprised at this exclamation, I examined the countenance of the person who spoke, and immediately recognized my old sweet-heart and fellow-sufferer Miss Williams.

I was mightily pleased to find this unfortunate woman under such a decent appearance, professed my joy at see­ing her so well, and desired to know where I should have the pleasure of her conversation. She was a [...]heartily re­joiced at the apparent easiness of my fortune, and gave me to know, that she, as yet, had no habitation that she could properly call her own; but would wait on me at any place I should please to appoint.—Understanding that she was disengaged for the present, I shewed her the way [Page 147] to my own lodgings, where, after a very affectionate sa­lutation, the informed me of her being very happy in the service of a young lady, to whom she was recommended by a former mistress deceased, into whose family she had recommended herself by the honest deceit we had concerted, while she lived with me in the garret at London.—She then expressed a veh [...]ment desire to be acquainted with the vicissitudes of my life since we parted, and ascribed her curiosity to the concern she had for my interest.—I forthwith gratified her request, and when I described my situation in Sussex, perceived her to attend to my story with particular eagerness. She interrupted me when I had finished that period, with: "Good God! is it possible!"—and then begged I would be so good as to continue my relation; which I did as briefly as I could, burning with impatience to know the cause of her surprise, about which I had already formed a very interesting conjecture.—When I had brought my adventures down to the pre­sent day, she seemed very much affected with the different circumstances of my fortune; and saying with a smile, she believed my distresses were now at a period, proceeded to inform me, that the lady whom she served was no other than the charming Narcissa, who had honoured her with her confidence for some time;—in consequence of which trust, she had often repeated the story of John Brown, with great admiration and regard; that she loved to dwell upon the particulars of his character, and did not scruple to own a tender approbation of his flame.—I became de­lirious with this piece of intelligence, strained Miss Wil­liams in my embrace, called her the angel of my happi­ness, and acted such extravagances, that she might have been convinced of my sincerity, had she not been satis­fied of my honour before.—As soon as I was in a con­dition to yield attention, she described the present situation of her mistress, who had no sooner reached her lodgings the night before, than she closeted her, and in a rapture of joy, gave her to know that she had seen me at the ball, where I appeared in the character which she always thought my due, with such advantage of transformation, that un­less my image had been engraven on her heart, it would have been impossible to know me for the person who had worn her aunt's livery;—that, by the language of my eyes, she was assured of the continuance of my passion for [Page 148] her, and consequently of my being unengaged to any other; and that though she did not doubt I would speedi­ly fall upon some method of being introduced, she was so impatient to hear of me, that she (Miss Williams) had been sent abroad this very morning on purpose to learn the name and character I at present bore.—My bosom had been hitherto a stranger to such a flood of joy as now rushed upon it: my faculties were overborne by the tide; it was some time before I could open my mouth; and much longer ere I could utter a coherent sentence.—At length, I fervently requested her to lead me immediately to the object of my adoration: but she resisted my im­portunity, and explained the danger of such premature conduct.—"How favourable soever," said she, ‘my la­dy's inclination towards you my be, you may de­pend upon it, she will not commit the smallest tres­pass on decorum, either in disclosing her own, or in receiving a declaration of your passion: and although the great veneration I have for you, has prompted me to reveal what she communicated to me in confidence, I know so well the severity of her sentiments with re­spect to the punctilios of her sex, that, if she should learn the least surmise of it, she would not only dis­miss me as a wretch unworthy of her benevolence, but also for ever shun the efforts of your love.’—I assented to the justness of her remonstrance, and desired she would assist me with her advice and direction: upon which, it was concerted between us, that, for the present, I should be contented with her telling Narcissa, that in the course of her enquiries, she could only learn my name: and that if in a day or two I could fall upon no other method of being introduced, she would deliver a letter from me, on pretence of consulting her happiness; and say that I met her in the street, and bribed her to that piece of service.—Matters being thus adjusted, I kept my old ac­quaintance to breakfast, and learned from her conversa­tion, that my rival Sir Timothy had drank himself into an apoplexy, of which he died five months ago; that the savage was still unmarried, and that his aunt had been seized with a whim which he little expected, and chosen the school-master of the parish for her lord and husband: but matrimony not agreeing with her constitution, she [Page 149] had been hectic and dropsical a good while, and was now at Bath in order to drink the waters for the recovery of her health; that her niece had accompanied her thither at her request, and attended her with the same affection as before, notwithstanding the faux pas she had committed; and that her nephew, who had been exasperated at the loss of her fortune, did not give his attendance out of good [...]will, but purely to have an eye on his sister, lest she should likewise throw herself away, without his consent or approbation.—Having enjoyed ourselves in this manner, and made an assignation to meet next day at a certain place, Miss Williams took her leave; and Strap's looks being very inquisitive about the nature of the communi­cation subsisting between us, I made him acquainted with the whole affair, to his great astonishment and satisfaction.

CHAP. XX.

IN the afternoon I drank tea at the house of Mr. Free­man, to whom I had been recommended by Banter, where I had not sat five minutes till the fox hunter came in, and, by his familiar behaviour, appeared to be inti­mate with my friend. I was at first under some concern, lest he should recollect my features; but when I sound myself introduced to him as a gentleman from London, without being discovered, I blessed the opportunity that brought me into his company, hoping that, in the course of our acquaintance, he would invite me to his house—nor were my hopes frustrated; for, as we spent the evening to­gether, he grew extremely fond of my conversation, asked a great many childish questions about France and other fo­reign parts, and seemed so highly entertained with my an­swers, that in his cups he shook me often by the hand, pro­nounced [Page 150] me an honest fellow, and, in fine, desired our com­pany at dinner next day at his own house. My imagination was so much employed in anticipating the happiness I was to enjoy the next day, that I slept very little that night, but, rising up early in the morning, went to the place ap­pointed, where I met my she-friend, and imparted to her my success with the squire. She was much pleased at the occasion, which she said could not fail of being agree­able to Narcissa, who, in spite of her passion for me, had mentioned some scruples relating to my true situation and character, which the delicacy of her sentiments suggested, and which she believed I would find it necessary to remove, though she did not know how. I was a good deal startled at this insinuation, because I foresaw the difficulty I should find in barely doing myself justice: for although it never was my intention to impose myself upon any woman, much less on Narcissa, as a man of fortune, I laid claim to the character of a gentleman by birth, education, and behaviour; and yet (so unlucky had the circumstances of my life fallen out) I should find it a very hard matter to make good my pretensions even to these, especially to the last, which was the most essential. Miss Williams was as sensible as I of this my disadvantage, but comforted me with observing, that, when once a woman has bestowed her affections on a man, she cannot help judging of him, in all respects, with a partiality easily influenced in his favour—she remarked, that although some situations of my life had been low, yet none of them had been infamous; that my indigence had been the crime, not of me, but of fortune; and that the miseries I had undergone, by im­proving the faculties both of mind and body, qualified me the more for any dignified station, and would, of conse­quence, recommend me to the good graces of any sensible woman—she therefore advised me to be always open and unreserved to the inquiries of my mistress, without unne­cessarily betraying the meanest occurrences of my fate, and trust to the strength of her love and reflection for the rest. The sentiments of this sensible young woman on this, as well as on almost every other subject, perfectly agreed with mine; I thanked her for the care she took of my interests, and, promising to behave myself according to her direction, we parted, after she had assured me that I might depend [Page 151] upon her best offices with her mistress, and that she would, from time to time, communicate to me such intelligence as she should procure, relating to my flame. Having dressed myself to the best advantage, I waited for the time of din­ner with the most fearful impatience, and, as the hour drew nigh, my heart beat with such increased velocity, and my spirits contracted such disorder, that I began to suspect my resolution, and even to wish myself disengaged. At last Mr. Freeman called at my lodgings in his way, and I accompanied him to the house where all my happiness was deposited. We were very kindly received by the squire, who sat smoaking his pipe in a parlour, and asked if we chose to drink any thing before dinner? Though I never had more occasion for a cordial, I was ashamed to accept his offer, which was also refused by my friend. We sat down, however, and entered into conversation, which lasted half an hour, so that I had time to recollect myself, and (so capricious were my thoughts) even to hope that Narcissa would not appear—when all of a sudden a servant, coming in, gave us notice, that dinner was upon the table—and my perturbation returned with such vio­lence, that I could scarce conceal it from the company as I ascended the stair-case. When I entered the dining­room, the first object that saluted my ravished eyes was the divine Narcissa, blushing like Aurora, adorned with all the graces that meekness, innocence and beauty can diffuse! I was seized with a giddiness, my knees tottered, and I scarce had sense enough to perform the ceremony of salutation, when her brother, slapping me on the shoul­der, cried, "Measter Random, that there is my sister." I approached her with eagerness and fear, but in the mo­ment of our embrace, my soul was agonized with rapture! It was a lucky circumstance for us both, that my enter­tainer was not endued with an uncommon stock of pene­tration; for our mutual confusion was so manifest, that Mr. Freeman perceived it, and, as we went home toge­ther, congratulated me on my good fortune. But so far was Bruin from entertaining the least suspicion, that he encouraged me to begin a conversation with my mistress in a language unknown to him, by telling her, that he had brought a gentleman (meaning me) who could jabber with her, in French and other foreign lingos, as fast as she [Page 152] pleased; then, turning to me, said, ‘Odds bobs! I wish you would hold discourse with her in your French or Ital [...]ano, and tell me if she understands it as well as she would be thought to do. There's her aunt and she will chatter together whole days in it, and I can't have a mouthful of English for love or money.’ I consulted the looks of my amiable mistress, and found her averse to his proposal, which indeed she declined with a sweetness of denial peculiar to herself, as a piece of disrespect to that part of the company which did not understand the lan­guage in question. As I had the happiness of sitting op­posite to her, I feasted my eyes much more than my pa­late, which she tempted in vain with the most delicious bits carved by her fair hand, and recommended by her persuasive tongue—but all my other appetites were swal­lowed up in the immensity of my love, which I fed by gazing incessantly on the delightful object. Dinner was scarce ended, when the squire became very drowsy, and, after several dreadful yawns, got up, stretched himself, took two or three turns across the room, begged we would allow him to take a short nap, and, having laid a strong injunction on his sister to detain us till his return, went to his repose without any farther ceremony. He had not been gone many minutes when Freeman, guessing the situation of my heart, and thinking he could not do me a greater fa­vour than to leave me alone with Narcissa, pretended to recollect himself all of a sudden, and, starting up, begged the lady's pardon for half an hour, having luckily re­membered an engagement of some consequence that he must perform at that instant. So saying, he took his leave, promising to come back time enough for tea, leaving my mistress and me in great confusion. Now that I en­joyed an opportunity of disclosing the pantings of my soul, I had not power to use it. I studied many pathetic de­clarations, but, when I attempted to give them utterance, my tongue denied its office, and she sat silent, with a down­cast look, full of anxious alarm, her bosom heaving with expectation of some great event. At length I endeavoured to put an end to this solemn pause, and began with, ‘It is very surprising, Madam’—Here, the sound dying away, I made a full stop—while Narcissa, starting, blush­ed, and with a timid accent, answered, "Sir?" Con­founded [Page 153] at this note of interrogation, I pronounced with the most sheepish bashfulness, "Madam!" To which she replied, ‘I beg pardon—I thought you had spoke to me.’ Another pause ensued—I made another effort, and, though my voice faultered very much in the begin­ning, made shift to express myself in this manner: ‘I say, Madam, 'tis very surprising, that love should act so in­consistent with itself as to deprive its votaries of the use of their faculties, when they have most need of them. Since the happy occasion of being alone with you pre­sented itself, I have made many unsuccessful attempts to declare a passion for the loveliest of her sex—a pas­sion which took possession of my soul when my cruel fate compelled me to wear a servile disguise so unsuit­able to my birth, sentiments, and, let me add, my de­serts; yet favourable in one respect, as it furnished me with opportunities of seeing and adoring your perfec­tions—Yes, Madam, it was then your dear idea entered my bosom, where it has lived unimpaired in the midst of numberless cares, and animated me against a thousand dangers and calamities!’ While I spoke thus, she con­cealed her face with her fan, and when I ceased, recover­ing herself from the most beautiful confusion, told me that she thought herself very much obliged by my favourable opinion of her, and that she was very sorry to hear I had been unfortunate. Encouraged by this gentle reply, I proceeded to own myself sufficiently recompensed by her kind compassion for what I had undergone, and declared, that the future happiness of my life depended solely upon her. "Sir," said she, ‘I should be very ungrateful if, after the signal protection you once afforded me, I should refuse to contribute towards your happiness in any reasonable condescension.’ Transported at this ac­knowledgment, I threw myself at her feet, and begged she would regard my passion with a favourable eye: she was alarmed at my behaviour, entreated me to rise, le [...]t her brother should discover me in that posture, and to spare her, for the present, upon a subject for which she was al­together unprepared: upon this, I rose, assuring her I [...]ould rather die than disobey her, but in the mean time begged her to consider how precious the minutes of this opportunity were, and what restraint I put upon my in­clination [Page 154] in sacrificing them to her desire. She smiled with unspeakable sweetness, and said, there would be no want of opportunities, provided I could maintain the good opi­nion her brother had conceived of me; and I, enchanted by her charms, seized her hand, which I well nigh de­voured with kisses. But she checked my boldness with a severity of countenance, and desired I would not so far for­get myself or her as to endanger the esteem she had for me—she reminded me of our being almost strangers to each other, and of the necessity there was for her knowing me better, before she could take any resolution in my sa­vour, and, in short, mingled so much good sense and com­placency in her reproof, that I became as much enamoured of her understanding as I had been before of her beauty, and asked pardon for my presumption with the utmost re­verence of conviction. She forgave my offence with her usual affability, and sealed my pardon with a look so full of bewitching tenderness, that for some minutes my senses were lost in extasy! Lafterwards endeavoured to regulate my behaviour according to her desire, and turn the con­versation upon a more indifferent subject; but her presence was an unsurmountable obstacle to my design; while I be­held so much excellence, I sound it impossible to call my attention from the contemplation of it. I gazed with un­utterable fondness! I grew mad with admiration!— ‘My condition is insupportable,’ cried I; ‘I am distract­ed with passion!—Why are you so exquisitely fair? Why are you so enchantingly good? Why has nature dignified you with charms so much above the standard of women? and, wretch that I am, how dares my unwor­thiness aspire to the enjoyment of such perfection!’

She was startled at my ravings, reasoned down my trans­port, and, by her irresistible eloquence, soothed my soul into a state of tranquil felicity; but, lest I might suffer a relapse, industriously promoted other subjects to entertain my imagination. She chid me for having omitted to in­quire about her aunt, who, she assured me, in the midst of all her absence of temper, and detachment from common affairs, often talked of me with uncommon warmth. I professed my veneration for the good lady, excused my omission by imputing it to the violence of my love, which engrossed my whole soul, and desired to know the present [Page 155] situation of her health: upon which the amiable Narcissa repeated what I had heard before of her marriage, with all the tenderness for her [...] that the subject would admit off; told me, she lived with her husband hard by, and was so much afflicted with a dropsy, and wasted by a consumption, that she [...] small hopes of her recovery.— [...] expressed my sorrow for her distemper, I question­ed [...] good fri [...]nd Mrs. Sagely, who I learned [...] was still in good health, and, [...] she besto [...]ed upon me after I was gone, confirmed the favourable impressions my behaviour at part­ing had made on Narcissa's heart. This circumstance in­troduced an enquiry into the conduct [...] Sir Timothy Thicket, who, she informed me, had found means to in­cense her brother so much against me, that she sound it impossible to undeceive him, but on the contrary suffered very much in her own character by his scandalous insinua­tions—that the whole parish was alarmed and actually in pursuit of me; so that she had been in the utmost conster­nation upon my account, well knowing how little my own innocence and her testimony would have weighed with the ignorance, prejudice and brutality of those who must have judged me, had I been apprehended—that Sir Ti­mothy being seized with a fit of the apoplexy, from which with great difficulty he was recovered, began to be appre­hensive of death, and to prepare himself accordingly for that great event; as a step to which, he sent for her bro­ther, owned, with great contrition, the brutal design he had upon her, and of consequence acquitted me of the as­sault, robbery, and correspondence with her, which he had laid to my charge; after which confession he lived about a month in a languishing condition, and was carried off by a second assault.

Every word that this dear creature spoke rivetted the chains with which she held me enslaved! My mischievous fancy began to work, and the tempest of my passion to wake again, when the return of Freeman destroyed the tempting opportunity, and enabled me to quell the rising tumult. A little while after, the squire staggered into the room, rubbing his eyes, and calling for his tea, which he drank out of a small bowl qualified with brandy; we sip­ped some in the ordinary way: Narcissa left us in order to [Page 156] visit her aunt, and, when Freeman and I proposed to take our leave, the fox-hunter insisted on our spending the even­ing at his house with such an obstinacy of affection, that we were obliged to comply. For my own part, I should have been glad of the invitation, by which, in all likeli­hood, I should have been blest with more of his sister's company, had I not been afraid of risking her esteem by entering into a debauch of drinking with him, which, from the knowledge of his character, I foresaw would happen; but there was no remedy—I was forced to rely upon the strength of my constitution, which I hoped would resist intoxication longer than the squire's, and trust to the good nature and discretion of my mistress for the rest.

Our entertainer, resolving to begin by times, ordered the table to be furnished with liquor and glasses immedi­ately after tea; but we absolutely refused to set in for drinking so soon, and we prevailed upon him to pass away an hour or two at whist, in which he engaged as soon as Narcissa returned. The savage and I happened to be part­ners at first, and, as my thoughts were wholly employed on a more interesting game, I played so ill, that he lost all patience, swore bitterly, and threatened to call for wine, if they would not grant him another associate. This desire was gratified, and Narcissa and I were of a side; he won for the same reason that made him lose before; I was satisfied, my lovely partner did not repine, and the time slipped away very agreeably, until we were told that supper was served in another room.

The squire was enraged to find the evening so unpro­fitably spent, and wreaked his vengeance on the cards, which he tore, and committed to the flames with many execrations; threatening to make us redeem our loss with a large glass and quick circulation! and indeed we had no sooner supped, and my charmer withdrawn, than he began to out his threats in execution. Three bottles of port (for he drank no other sort of wine) were placed be­fore us, with as many water-glasses, which were immedi­ately filled to the brim, after his example, by each out of his respective allowance, and emptied in a trice, to the best in Christendom.—Though I swallowed this, and the next as fast as the glass could be replenished, without hesita­tion or shew of reluctance, I perceived that my brain would [Page 157] not be able to bear many bumpers of this sort; and dread­ing the perseverance of a champion who began with such vigour, I determined to make up for the deficiency of my strength by a stratagem, which I actually put in practice when the second course of bottles was called for.—The wine being strong and heady, I was already a good deal discomposed by the dispatch we had made; Freeman's eyes began to reel, and Bruin himself was elevated into a song, which he uttered with great vociferation. When I therefore saw the second round brought in, I assumed a gay air, entertained him with a French catch on the subject of drinking, which, though he did not understand, delighted him highly, and, telling him that your choice spirits at Paris never troubled them­selves with glasses, asked if he had not a bowl or cup in the house that would contain a whole quart of wine.—"Odds niggers!" cried he, ‘I have a silver caudle­cup that holds just the quantity, for all the world—fetch it hither, Numps.’—The vessel being produced, I bid him decant his bottle into it, which having done, I nodded in a very deliberate manner, and said, ‘I pledge you.’—He stared at me for some time, and crying, "What, all at one pull! Measter Randan?"—I answer­ed, ‘At one pull, Sir; you are no milk sop—we shall do you justice.’—"Shall you?" said he, shaking me by the hand, ‘odd, then, I'll see it out, an't were a mile to the bottom—Here's to our better acquaintance, Measter Randan.’ So saying he applied it to his lips, and emptied it in a breath.—I knew the effect of it would be almost instantaneous; therefore, taking the cup, I began to discharge my bottle into it, telling him he was now qualified to drink with the Cham of Tartary.—I had no sooner pronounced these words, than he took umbrage at them, and after several attempts to spit, made shift to stutter out, ‘A f—t f—t for your Chams of T—Tartary! I am a f—f—free-born Englishman, worth th—three thousand a-year, and v—value no man, damme!’—then dropping his jaw, and fixing his eyes, he hickuped aloud, and fell upon the floor as mute as a flounder.—Mr. Freeman heartily rejoiced at his defeat, assisted me in carrying him to bed, where we le [...]t him to the care of his servants, and went home to our re­spective [Page 158] habitations, congratulating one another on our good fortune.

CHAP. XXI.

I WAS met next morning at the usual place by Miss Williams, who gave me joy of the progress I had made in the affection of her mistress, and blessed me with an ac­count of that dear creature's conversation with her, [...] she had retired the night before from our company [...] could scarce believe her information, when she recounted her expressions in my favour, so much more warm and passionate were they than my most sanguine hopes had presaged; and was particularly pleased to hear that she approved of my behaviour to her brother, after she with­drew. Transported at the news of my happiness, I presented my ring to the messenger, as a testimony of my gratitude and satisfaction; but she was above such merce­nary considerations, and refused my compliment with some resentment, saying, she was not a little mortified to see my opinion of her so low and contemptible.—I did myself a piece of justice by explaining my behaviour on this head, and to convince her of my esteem, promised to be ruled by her directions in the prosecution of the whole affair, which I had so much at heart, that the repose of my life depended upon the consequence.

As I fervently wished for another interview, where I might pour out the effusions of my love, without danger of being interrupted, and perhaps reap some endearing return from the queen of my desires, I implored her ad­vice [Page 159] and assistance in promoting this event; but she gave me to understand, that Narcissa would make no precipi­tate compliances of this kind, and that I would do well to cultivate her brother's acquaintance, in the course of which I would not want opportunities of removing that reserve; which my mistress thought herself obliged to maintain during the infancy of our correspondence.—In the mean time, she promised to tell her lady, that I had endeavoured by presents and persuasions, to prevail upon her (Miss Williams) to deliver a letter from me, which she had refused to charge herself with, until she should know Narcissa's sentiments of the matter; and said, by these means she did not doubt of being able to open a li­terary communication between us, which could not fail of introducing more intimate connections.

I approved of her council, and our appointment being renewed for next day, left her with an intent of falling upon some method of being reconciled to the squire, who, I supposed, would be offended with the trick we had put upon him.—With this view, I consulted Freeman, who, from his knowledge of the fox-hunter's disposition, assured me there was no other method of pacifying him, than that of sacrificing ourselves for one night, to an equal match with him in drinking: this I found myself neces­siated to comply with, for the interest of my passion, and therefore determined to commit the debauch at my own lodgings, that I might run no risk of being discovered by Narcissa, in a state of brutal degeneracy.—Mr. Freeman, who was to be of the party, went, at my desire, to the squire in order to engage him, while I took care to fur­nish myself for his reception.—My invitation was accept­ed, my guests honoured me with their company in the evening, when Bruin gave me to understand that he had dr [...] many tuns of wine in his life, but was never served such a trick as I had played upon him the night before. I promised to atone for my trespass, and having ordered to every man his bottle, began the contest with a bumper to the health of Narcissa.—The toasts circulated with great devotion, the liquor began to operate, our mirth grew noisy, and as Freeman and I had the advantage of drinking small French claret, the savage was effectually [Page 160] tamed, before our senses were in the least affected, and carried home in an apoplexy of drunkenness.

I was next morning, as usual, favoured with a visit from my kind and punctual confidante, who telling me, she was permitted to receive my letters for her mistress, I took up the pen immediately, and following the first dic­tates of my passion, wrote as follows:

Having finished this effusion, I committed it to the care of my faithful friend, with an injunction to second my in­treaty with all her eloquence and influence; and in the mean time went to dress, with an intention of visiting Mrs. Snapper and Miss, whom I had utterly neglected, and indeed almost forgot, since my dear Narcissa had re­sumed the empire of my soul. The old gentlewoman re­ceived me very kindly, and Miss affected a frankness and gaiety, which, however, I could easily perceive was forced and dissembled; among other things, she pretended to joke me upon my passion for Narcissa, which she averred [Page 161] was no secret, and asked, if I intended to dance with her at the next assembly.—I was a good deal concerned to find myself become the town talk on this subject, lest the squire, having notice of my inclinations, should disapprove of them, and, by breaking off all correspondence with me, deprive me of the opportunities I now enjoyed.—But I resolved to use the interest I had with him, while it lasted; and that very night meeting him occasionally, asked his permission to solicit her company at the ball, which he very readily granted to my inexpressible satisfaction.

Having been kept awake the greatest part of the night, by a thousand delightful reveries that took possession of my fancy, I got up betimes, and flying to the place of rendezvous, had in a little time the pleasure of seeing Miss Williams approach, with a smile on her countenance, which I interpreted into a good omen. Neither was I mistaken in my presage: she presented me with a letter from the idol of my soul, which, after having kissed it devoutly, I opened with the utmost eagerness, and was blessed with her approbation in these terms:

No anchorite, in the extasy of devotion, ever adored a relic with more [...]ervour than that with which I kissed this inimitable proof of my charmer's candour, generosity, and affection! I read it over an hundred times; was ravished with her confession in the beginning; but the subscription of Your NARCISSA, yielded me such delight as I had ne­ver [Page 162] felt before! My happiness was still increased by Miss Williams, who blessed me with a repetition of her lady's tender expressions in my favour, when she received and read my letter.—In short, I had all the reason in the world to believe that this gentle creature's bosom was pos­sessed by a passion for me, as warm, though perhaps not so impetuous, as mine for her.

I informed my friend of the squire's consent, with re­gard to my dancing with Narcissa at the ball, and desired her to tell her mistress, that I would do myself the honour of visiting her in the afternoon, in consequence of his per­mission, when I hoped to find her as indulgent as her bro­ther had been complaisant in that particular.—Miss Wil­liams expressed a good deal of joy, at hearing I was so much in favour with the fox-hunter, and ventured to as­sure me, that my visit would be very agreeable to my mi­stress, the rather because Bruin was engaged to dine abroad. This was a circumstance which I scarce need say, pleased me.—I went immediately to the Long room, where I found him, and affecting to know nothing of his engagement, told him, I would do myself the pleasure to wait upon him in the afternoon, and to present his sister with a ticket for the ball.—He shook me by the hand, according to custom, and giving me to understand that he was to dine abroad, desired me to go and drink tea with Narcissa notwithstanding, and promised to prepare her for my visit in the mean time.

Every thing succeeding thus to my wish, I waited with incredible impatience for the time, which no sooner arrived, than I hastened to the scene, which my fancy had pre-oc­cupied long before. I was introduced accordingly to the dear enchantress, whom I found accompanied by Miss Williams, who, on pretence of ordering tea, retired at my approach.—This favourable accident, which alarmed my whole soul, disordered her also.—I found myself ac­tuated by an irresistible impulse, I advanced to her with eagerness and awe; and profiting by the confusion that prevailed over her, clasped the fair angel in my arms, and imprinted a glowing kiss upon her lips, more soft and fragrant than the dewy rose-bud, just bursting from the stem! Her face was in an instant covered with blushes, her eyes sparkled with resentment; I threw myself at her feet [Page 163] and implored her pardon.—Her love became an advocate in my cause; her look softened into forgiveness; she raised me up, and chid me with so much sweetness of displeasure, that I should have been tempted to repeat the offence, had not the coming in of a servant with the tea-board, pre­vented my presumption. While we were subject to be in­terrupted or overheard, we conversed about the approach­ing ball, at which she promised to grace me as a partner; but when the equipage was removed, and we were left alone, I resumed the more interesting theme, and expressed myself with such transport and agitation, that my mistress, fearing I would commit some extravagance, rung the bell for her maid, whom she detained in the room, as a check upon my vivacity.—I was not sorry for this precaution, because I could unbosom myself without reserve, before Miss Williams, who was the confidante of us both.—I therefore gave a loose to the inspirations of my passion, which operated so successfully upon the tender affections of Narcissa, that she laid aside the constraint she had hitherto wore, and blessed me with the most melting declaration of her mutual flame!—It was impossible for me to forbear taking the advantage of this endearing condescension.—She now gently yielded to my embrace, while I, encir­cling all that I held dear within my arms, tasted, in ad­vance, the joys of that paradise I hoped, in a little time, wholly to possess!—We spent the afternoon in all the extasy of hope that the most fervent love, exchanged by mutual vows, could inspire; and Miss Williams was so much affected with our chaste caresses, which recalled the sad remembrance of what she was, that her eyes were filled with tears.

The evening being pretty far advanced, I forced myself from the dear object of my flame, who indulged me in a tender embrace at parting; and, repairing to my lodgings, communicated to my friend Strap every circumstance of my happiness, which filled him with so much pleasure, that it ran over at his eyes, and he prayed heartily, that no envious devil might, as formerly, dash the cup of bles­sing from my lip. When I reflected on what had happen­ed, and especially on the unreserved protestations of Nar­cissa's love, I could not help being amazed at her omitting to inquire into the particular circumstances of the life and [Page 164] fortune of one whom she had favoured with her affection, and I began to be a little anxious about the situation of her finances, well knowing, that I should do an irrepar­able injury to the person my soul held most dear, if I should espouse her without being able to support her in the rank which was certainly her due. I had heard, in­deed, while I served her aunt, that her father had left her a considerable sum, and that every body believed she would inherit the greatest part of her kinswoman's dowry; but I did not know how far she might be restricted by the old gentleman's will, in the enjoyment of what he left her, and I was too well informed of the virtuoso's late conduct, to think my mistress could have any expectations from that quarter. I confided, however, in the good sense and po­licy of my charmer, who, I was sure, would not consent to unite her fate with mine, before she had fully considered and provided for the consequence.

The ball-night being arrived, I dressed myself in a suit I had reserved for some grand occasion, and, having drank tea with Narcissa and her brother, conducted my angel to the scene, where she in a moment eclipsed all her female competitors for beauty, and attracted the admiration of the whole assembly. My heart dilated with pride on this occasion, and my triumph rejected all bounds, when, after we had danced together, a certain nobleman, remarkable for his figure and influence in the beau monde, came up, and, in the hearing of all present, honoured us with a very particular compliment upon our accomplishments and appearance—but this transport was soon checked, when I perceived his lordship attach himself with great assiduity to my mistress, and say some warm things, which I thought savoured too much of passion. It was then I began to feel the pangs of jealousy—I dreaded the power and address of my rival. I sickened at his discourse.—When she opened her lips to answer, my heart died within me—when she smiled, I felt the pains of the damned!—I was enraged at his presumption; I cursed her complaisance!—At length he quitted her, and went to the other side of the room. Narcissa, suspecting nothing of the rage that inflamed me, put some questions to me as soon as he was gone, to which I made no reply, but assumed a grim look, which too well denoted the agitation of my breast, and [Page 165] surprised her not a little. She no sooner observed my emo­tion than she changed colour, and asked what ailed me? but, before I could make an answer, her brother, pulling me by the sleeve, bid me take notice of a lady who sat fronting us, whom I immediately, to my vast astonishment, distinguished to be Melinda, accompanied by her mother, and an elderly gentleman whom I did not know.—"Wound! Mr. Randan," cried the squire, ‘is she not a delicate piece of stuff!—'Sdeath! I have a good mind—if I thought she was a single person.’—Notwith­standing the perplexity I was in, I had reflection enough to foresee, that my passion might suffer greatly by the pre­sence of this lady, who in all probability would revenge herself upon me for having formerly disgraced her, by spreading reports to my prejudice. I was therefore alarm­ed at these symptoms of the squire's admiration, and for some time did not know what reply to make, when he asked my opinion of her beauty. At length I came to a determination, and told him that her name was Melinda, that she had a fortune of ten thousand pounds, and was said to be under promise of marriage to a certain lord, who deferred his nuptials until he should be of age, which would happen in a few months. I thought this piece of intelligence, which I had myself invented, would have hindered him effectually from entertaining any farther thoughts of her; but I was egregiously mistaken; the fox­hunter had too much self-sufficiency to despair of success against any competitor on earth: he therefore made light of her engagement, saying with a smile of self approbation, ‘Mayhap she will change her mind—what signifies his being a lord?—I think myself as good a man as e'er a lord in Christendom, and I'll see if a commoner worth three thousand a-year won't serve her turn.’ This de­termination startled me not a little; I knew he would soon discover the contrary of what I advanced, and, as I be­lieved he would find her ear open to his addresses, did not doubt of meeting with every obstacle in my amour, that her malice could invent, and her influence with him exe­cute. This reflection increased my chagrin—my vexation was evident—Narcissa insisted on going home immediately, and as I led her to the door, her noble admirer, with a look full of languishment, directed to her a profound bow, [Page 166] which stung me to the soul. Before she went into the chair, she asked, with an appearance of concern, what was the matter with me? and I could pronounce no more than, "By Heaven! I'm distracted!"

CHAP. XXII.

HAVING uttered this exclamation, at which she sighed. I went home in the condition of a frantic bedlamite, and, finding the fire in my apartment almost extinguished, vented my fury upon poor Strap, whose ear I pinched with such violence, that he roared hideously with pain, and, when I quitted my hold, looked so foolishly aghast, that no unconcerned spectator could have seen him without being seized with an immoderate fit of laughter. It is true, I was soon sensible of the injury I had done, and asked pardon for the outrage I had committed; upon which my faithful valet, shaking his head, said, ‘I for­give you, and may God forgive you.’—But he could not help shedding some tears at my unkindness. I felt unspeakable remorse for what I had done, cursed my own ingratitude, and considered his tears as a reproach that my soul, in her present disturbance, could not bear.—It [Page 167] set all my passions into a ferment; I swore horrible oaths without meaning or application; I foamed at the mouth, kicked the chairs about the room, and played abundance of mad pranks that frightened my friend almost out of his senses.—At length my transport subsided, I became melan­choly, and wept insensibly.

During this state of dejectio [...], I was surprised with the appearance of Miss Williams, whom Strap, blubbering all the while, had conducted into the chamber, without giving me previous notice of her approach.—She was ex­tremely affected with my condition, which she had learned from him, begged me to moderate my passion, suspend my conjectures, and follow her to Narcissa, who desired to see me forthwith.—That dear name operated upon me like a charm! I started up, and, without opening my lips, was conducted into her apartment, through the garden, which we entered by a private door.—I found the ador­able creature in tears! I was melted at the sight—we con­tinued silent for some time—my heart was too full to speak—her snowy bosom heaved with fond resentment; at last she sobbing, cried ‘what have I done to disoblige you!’ My heart was pierced with the tender question! I drew near with the utmost reverence of affection! I fell upon my knees before her, and kissing her hand, exclaim­ed, ‘O! thou art all goodness and perfection! I am un­done by my want of merit! I am unworthy to possess thy charms, which heaven hath destined for the arms of some more favoured being.’ She guessed the cause of my disquiet, upbraided me gently for my suspicion, and gave me such flattering assurances of her eternal fidelity, that all my doubts and fears forsook me, and peace and satisfaction reigned within my breast.

At midnight I left the kind nymph to her repose, and being let out by Miss Williams at the garden gate, by which I entered, began, to explore my way homeward in the dark, when I heard at my back a noise like that of a baboon when he mows and chatters. I turned instantly▪ and, perceiving something black, concluded I was disco­vered by some spy, employed to watch for that purpose. Aroused at this conjecture, by which the reputation of the virtuous Narcissa appeared in jeopardy, I drew my sword, and would have sacrificed him to her [...]ame, had not the [Page 168] voice of Strap restrained my arm: it was with great dif­ficulty he could pronounce, ‘D—d—d—do! mum—um—um—murder me, if you please!’ Such an effect had the [...] his jaws, that his teeth rattled like a pair of castanets [...] Pleased to be thus undeceived, I laughed at his consternation, and asked what brought him thither? Upon which he gave me to understand, that his concern for me had induced him to follow me to that place, where the same reason had detained him till now, and he frankly owned, that, in spite of the esteem he had for Miss Wil­liams, he began to be very uneasy about me, considering the disposition in which I went abroad, and, if I had staid much longer, would have certainly alarmed the neigh­bourhood in my behalf. The knowledge of this his inten­tion confounded me! I represented to him the mischievious consequences that would have attended such a rash action, and, cautioning him severely against any such design for the future, concluded my admonition with an assurance, that, in case he should ever act so madly, I would, with­out hesitation, put him to death.— ‘Have a little pa­tience,’ cried he in a lamentable tone; ‘your displea­sure will do the business, without your committing murder.’ I was touched with this reproach, and, as soon as we got home, made it my business to appease him by explaining the cause of that transport, during which I had used him so unworthily.

Next day, when I went into the Long-room, I obser­ved several whispers circulate all of a sudden, and did not doubt that Melinda had been busy with my character; but I consoled myself with the love of Narcissa, upon which I rested with the most perfect confidence, and, going up to the rowly-powly table, won a few pieces from my suspected rival, who with an easy politeness entered into conversation with me, and, desiring my company at the coffee-house, treated me with tea and chocolate. I remem­bered Strutwell, and guarded against his insinuating be­haviour; nor was my suspicion wrong placed; he artfully turned the discourse upon Narcissa, and endeavoured, by hinting at an intrigue he pretended to be engaged in else­where, to learn what connection there was between her and me. But all his finesse was ineffectual; I was con­vinced of his dissimulation, and gave such general answers [Page 169] to his enquiries, that he was forced to drop the subject, and talk of something else.

While we conversed in this manner, the savage came in with another gentleman, who introduced him to his lord­ship; and he was received with such peculiar marks of distinction, that I was persuaded that the courtier intend­ed to use him in some shape or other, and thence I con­ceived an unlucky omen. But I had more cause to be dismayed the following day, when I saw the squire in company with Melinda and her mother, who honoured me with several disdainful glances; and when I afterwards threw myself in his way, instead of the cordial shake of the hand, he returned my salute with the cold reception of ‘Ser­vant, servant,’ which he pronounced with such indif­ference, or rather contempt, that, if he had not been Narcissa's brother, I should have affronted him in public.

These occurrences disturbed me not a little; I foresaw the brooding storm, and armed myself with resolution for the occasion; but, Narcissa being at stake, I was far from being resigned. I could have renounced every other com­fort of life with some degree of fortitude; but the prospect of losing her, disabled all my philosophy, and tortured my soul into madness.

Miss Williams found me next morning full of anxious tumult, which did not abate when she told me, that my Lord Quiverwit, having professed honourable intentions, had been introduced to my lovely mistress by her brother, who had at the same time, from the information of Me­linda, spoke of me as an Irish fortune-hunter, without either birth or estate to recommend me, who supported myself in the appearance of a gentleman by sharping and other infamous practices, and who was of such an obscure origin, that I did not even know my own extraction.—Though I expected all this, I could not hear it with tem­per, especially as truth was so blended with falshood in the assertion, that it would be almost impossible to sepa­rate the one from the other in my vindication. But I said nothing on this head, being impatient to know how Nar­cissa had been affected with the discovery. The generous creature, far from believing these imputations, was no sooner withdrawn with her confidante than she inveighed with great warmth against the malevolence of the world, [Page 170] to which only she ascribed the whole of what had been said to my disadvantage, and, calling every circumstance of my behaviour to her, into review before her, found every thing so polite, honourable, and disinterested, that she could not harbour the least doubt of my being the gen­tleman I ass [...]med. "I have indeed," said she, ‘pur­posely forbore to ask the particulars of his life, lest the recapitulation of some misfortunes, which he has un­dergone, should give him pain; and, as to the article of his fortune, I own myself equally afraid of inquiring into it, and of discovering the situation of my own, lest we should find ourselves both unhappy in the ex­planation; for alas! my provision is conditional, and depends entirely on my mar [...]ing with my brother's consent.’ Thunderstruck with this intelligence, the light forsook my eyes, the colour vanished from my cheeks, and I remained in a state of universal trepidation! My female friend, perceiving my disorder, encouraged me with assurances of Narcissa's constancy, and the hope of some accident favourable to our love, and, as a further consola­tion, let me know, that she had acquainted my mistress with the outlines of my life, and that, although she was no stranger to the present low state of my finances, her love and esteem were rather increased than diminished by the knowledge of my circumstances. I was greatly com­forted by this assurance, which [...]aved me a world of con­fusion and anxiety; for I must have imparted my situation one day to Narcissa, and this I could not have performed without shame and disorder.

As I did not doubt that, by this time, the scandalous aspersions of Melinda were diffused all over the town, I re­solved to recollect my whole strength of assurance to brow­beat the effor [...] of her malice, and to publish her adventure with the Frenchified barber by way of reprisal. In the mean time, having promised to be at the garden-gate about midnight, Miss Williams [...] her leave, bidding me repose myself entirely on the affection of my dear Nar­cissa, which was as perfect as in [...]iolable. Before I went abroad I was visited by Freeman, who came on purpose to inform me of the infamous stories that were raised at my expence: I heard them with great temper, and in my turn disclosed every thing that had happened between [Page 171] Melinda and me, and among other things, enter­tained him with the story of the barber, letting him know what share his friend Banter had in that affair. He was convinced of the injury my reputation had suffered, and no longer doubting the fountain from whence this deluge of slander had flowed upon me, undertook to undeceive the town in my behalf, and roll the stream back upon its source, but in the mean time cautioned me from appearing in public, while the prepossession was strong against me, lest I should meet with some affront that might have bad consequences.

CHAP. XXIII.

I Thanked him for his advice, which, however, my pride and resentment would not permit me to follow; for he no sooner left me, in order to do justice to my character among his friends and acquaintance, than I sallied out, and went directly to the Long-room. I was met at the door by a servant, who presented to me a billet without a subscription, importing, that my presence was disagreeable to the company, and desiring I would take the hint with­out farther disturbance, and bestow myself elsewhere for the future. This peremptory message filled me with indig­nation—I followed the fellow who delivered it, and, sei­zing him by the collar in presence of all the company, threatened to put him instantly to death, if he did not discover the scoundrel who had charged him with such an impudent commission, that I might punish him as he de­served. The messenger, affrighted at my menaces and fu­rious looks, sell upon his knees, and told me, that the gentleman who ordered him to deliver the letter was no [Page 172] other than Narcissa's brother, who at that time stood at the other end of the room talking to Melinda. I went up to him immediately, and, in the hearing of his inamorata, accosted him in these words: ‘Lookee, squire, was it not for one consideration that protects you from my re­sentment, I would cane you where you stand for having had the presumption to send me this scurrilous intima­tion,’ which I tore to pieces, and threw in his face, at the same time darting an angry regard at his mistress, and telling her, I was sorry she had put it out of my power to compliment her upon her invention, but at the expence of her good nature and veracity. Her admirer, whose courage never rose but in proportion to the wine he had swallowed, instead of resenting my address in what is called an honourable way, threatened to prosecute me for an assault, and took witnesses accordingly, while she, piqued at his pusillanimous behaviour, and enraged at the sarcasm I had uttered against her, endeavoured to make her quar­rel a public cause, and wept aloud with spite and vexation. The tears of a lady could not fail of attracting the notice and concern of the spectators, to whom she complained of my rudeness with great bitterness, saying, if she was a man I durst not use her so. The greatest part of the gen­tlemen, already prejudiced against me, were offended at the liberty I had taken, as appeared from their looks, though none of them signified their disgust any other way, except my Lord Quiverwit, who ventured to say with a sneer, that I was in the right to establish my own charac­ter, of which he had now no longer any doubt. Nettled at this severe equivoque, which raised a laugh at my ex­pence, I replied with some warmth, ‘I am proud of having in that particular got the start of your lordship.’ He made no answer to my repartee, but, with a con­temptuous smile, walked off, leaving me in a very disa­greeable situation. In vain did I make up to several peo­ple of my acquaintance, whose conversation, I hoped, would banish my confusion; every body shunned me like a person infected, and I should not have been able to [...]ear my disgrace, had not the idea of the ever faithful and fond Narcissa come to my relief. I quitted the scene of my mortification, and, sauntering about the town, happened to wake from my contemplation, when I found myself [Page 173] just opposite to a toy-shop, which I entered, and purcha­sed a ring set with a ruby in the form of a heart, surround­ed by diamond sparks, for which I paid ten guineas, in­tending it for a present to the charmer of my soul.

I was introduced, at the hour appointed, to this divine creature, who, notwithstanding what she had heard to my disadvantage, received me with the utmost confidence and tenderness, and, having been informed of the general sketches of my life by Miss Williams, expressed a desire of knowing the particular circumstances, which I related with great candour, omitting, however, some things which I concluded altogether improper for her ear, and which the reader's reflection will easily suggest. As my story was little else than a recital of misfortunes, the tear of sympa­thy ceased not to trickle from her enchanting eyes during the whole of the narration, which, when I had finished, she recompensed me for my trouble with the most endearing protestations of eternal love. She bewailed her restricted condition, as it was the means of retarding my happiness; told me▪ that Lord Quiverwit, by her brother's permis­sion, had been to drink tea with her that very afternoon, and actually proposed marriage; and, seeing me extremely affected with this piece of information, offered to give me a convincing proof of her affection by espousing me in pri­vate, and leaving the rest to fate. I was penetrated with this instance of her regard, but, that I might not be out­done in generosity, resisted the bewitching temptation, in consideration of her honour and interest; at the same time presented my ring as a pledge of my inviolable attach­ment, and on my knees implored Heaven to shower its curses on my head, if ever my heart should entertain one thought unworthy of the passion I then avowed. She re­ceived my token, gave me in return her picture set in minia­ture, exquisitely drawn, and set in gold, and in the same posture called Heaven to witness, and to judge her flame. Our vows thus reciprocally breathed, a confidence of hope ensued, and, our mutual fondness becoming as intimate as innocence would allow, I grew insensible of the progress of time, and it was morning before I could tear myself from this darling of my soul! My good angel foresaw what would happen, and permitted me to indulge myself [Page 174] on this occasion, in consideration of the fatal absence I was doomed to suffer.

I went to bed immediately on my return to my lodging, and having slept about two hours, was waked by Strap, who, in great confusion, told me there was a footman be­low with a letter for me, which he would deliver to no­body but myself.—Alarmed at this piece of news, I de­sired my friend to shew him up to my chamber, and re­ceived a letter from him, which he said, required an im­mediate answer: upon which I opened it and read:

Whether I was enervated by the love and favour of Narcissa, or awed by the superior station of my antago­nist, I know not, but I never had a less inclination to fight than at this time: however, finding there was a ne­cessity for vindicating the reputation of my mistress, as well as for asserting my own honour, I forthwith rose, and dressing in a hurry, put on my sword, bid Strap at­tend me, and set out with my conductor, cursing my bad fortune all the way, for having been observed in my re­turn from my angel, for so I interpreted his Lordship's discovery.—When I came within sight of my rival, his lacquey told me he had orders to stop; upon which I commanded Strap to halt also, while I walked for­ward, resolved, if possible, to come to an explanation with my challenger, before we should come to battle.— [Page 175] Nor was an opportunity wanting; for I no sooner ap­proached, than he asked, with a stern countenance, what business I had in Mr. Tophall's garden, so early in the morning?—"I don't know, my Lord," said I, ‘how to answer a question put to me with such a magisterial haughtiness.—If your Lordship will please to expostu­late calmly, you will have no cause to repent of your condescension—otherwise, I am not to be intimidated into any confession.’—"There's no room for denial," answered he, "I saw you come out with my own eyes."—Did any other person see me?" said I.— ‘I neither know nor care,’ said he: ‘I want no other evidence that that of my own senses.’—Pleased to hear that the suspicion was confined to him alone, I endeavoured to ap­pease his jealousy, by owning an intrigue with the waiting maid; but he had too much discernment to be so easily imposed upon; and told me there was only one way to convince him of the truth of what I alledged, which was no other than renouncing all claim to Narcissa upon oath, and promising upon honour, never to speak to her for the future.—Exasperated at this proposal, I unsheathed my sword, saying, ‘Heavens! what title have you or any man on earth to impose such terms on me!’ He did the same, and, making towards me, with a contracted brow, said I was a villain, and had dishonoured Narcissa.—"He's a scandalous villain," I replied in a transport of fury, ‘who brands me with that imputation! She is a thousand times more chaste than the mother that bore you; and I will assert her honour with my heart's blood!’ So saying, I rushed upon him with more eagerness than address, and, endeavouring to get within his point, received a wound in my neck, which redoubled my rage.—He excelled me in temper as well as in skill, by which means he parried my thrusts with great calm­ness, until I had almost exhausted my spirits; and when he perceived me beginning to flag, attacked me fiercely in his turn.—Finding himself, however, better opposed than he expected, he resolved to follow his longe, and close with me; accordingly, his sword entered my waist­coat, on the side of the breast-bone, and running up be­tween my shirt and skin, appeared above my left shoulder: I imagined that his weapon had perforated my lungs, [Page 176] and, of consequence, that the wound was mortal; there­fore determined not to die unrevenged, I seized his shell, which was close to my breast, before he could disentangle his point, and keeping it fast with my left hand, shorten­ed my own sword with my right, intending to run him through the heart; but he received the thrust in his left arm, which penetrated up to the shoulder blade.—Disap­pointed in this expectation, and afraid still that death would frustrate my revenge, I grappled with him, and being much the stronger, threw him upon the ground, where I wrested his sword out of his hand; and so great was my confusion, instead of turning the point upon him, struck out three of his fore-teeth with the hilt.—In the mean time, our servants seeing us fall, ran up to separate and assist us; but before their approach, I was upon my feet, and had discovered that my supposed mortal wound was only a slight scratch. The knowledge of my own safety disarmed me of a good deal of resentment, and I began to enquire with some concern into the situation of my antagonist, who remained on the ground, bleeding plentifully at his mouth and arm.—I helped his footman to raise him, and, having bound up his wound with my handkerchief, assured him it was not dangerous; I like­wise restored his sword, and offered to support him to his own house.—He thanked me with an air of sullen dignity; and whispering to me, that I should hear from him soon, went away, leaning on his servant's shoulder.

I was surprised at this promise, which I construed into a threat, and resolved, if ever he should call me out again, to use whatever advantage fortune might give me over him in another manner.—In the mean time, I had leisure to take notice of Strap, who seemed quite stupified with horror: I comforted him with an as­surance that I had received no damage, and explained the nature of this affair, as we walked homeward.—By that time I had got into my apartment, I found the wound in my neck stiff and uneasy, and a good deal of clotted blood run down upon my shirt: upon which I pulled off my coat and waistcoat, and unbuttoned my collar, that I might dress [...] with more ease.—My friend no sooner perceived my shirt quite dyed with blood, than imagining I had got at least twenty dreadful wounds, he [Page 177] cried, "O Jesus!" and fell flat on the floor.—I stopt the bleeding with a little dry lint, and applying a plaister over it, cleaned myself from the gore, shifted and dressed, while he lay senseless at my feet; so that when he reco­vered and saw me perfectly well, he could scarce believe his own eyes.—Now that the danger was past, I was ve­ry well pleased with what had happened, which I did not doubt would soon become known, and, consequently, dig­nify my character not a little in this place—I was also proud of having shewn myself, in some shape, worthy of the love of Narcissa, who, I was persuaded, would not think the worse of me for what I had done.

CHAP. XXIV.

WHILE I entertained myself with these reflections, the news of the duel being communicated by some unknown channel, spread all over the town.—I was visit­ed by Freeman, who testified his surprise at finding me, having been told, that Lord Quiverwit being dead of his wounds, I had absconded, in order to avoid the cogni­zance of the law. I asked if people guessed the occasion of the quarrel; and understanding it was attributed to his Lordship's resentment of my reply in the Long-room, confirmed that conjecture, glad to find Narcissa unsuspect­ed.—My friend, after I had assured him that my antago­nist was in no danger, wished me joy of the event, than which, he said, nothing could happen more opportunely to support the idea he had given of my character to his friends, among whom he had been very assiduous in my behalf.

On the strength of this assurance, I went with him to the coffee-house, where I was saluted by a great many of those very persons who shunned me the preceding day.— [Page 178] And I [...]ound every body making merry with the story of Melinda's French gallant.—While I remained in this place, I received a message from Lord Quiverwit, desiring, if I was not engaged, to see him at his house.

Thither I immediately repaired, and was conducted to an apartment, where I was received by his Lordship in bed. Being left by ourselves, he thanked me in very po­lite terms, for having used the advantage fortune had given me over him, with such moderation; and asked par­don for any offence his resentment might have prompted him to commit.—"I would willingly," said he, ‘make you my friend; but as it is impossible for me to divest myself of my passion for Narcissa, I am too well convin­ced of your sentiments, to think we shall ever agree on that subject. I took the liberty, therefore, of sending for you, in order to own candidly, that I cannot help opposing your success with that young lady; though at the same time I promise to regulate my opposition by the dictates of justice and honour: this, however, I think proper to advertise you of, that she has no inde­pendent fortune, and if you should even succeed in your addresses, you would have the mortification to see her reduced to indigence, unless you have wherewithal to support her—and I am credibly informed of your inca­pacity that way.—Nay, I must confess, that, urged by that consideration, I have actually sent notice to her brother, of the progress I suspect you have made in her affection, and desired him to take his precautions ac­cordingly.’—Alarmed and provoked at this informa­tion, I told his Lordship, that I did not see how he could reconcile that piece of conduct with his profession of open dealing, and flung away from him in a passion.

As I walked homeward, in hopes of hearing from my mistress as usual, by means of Miss Williams, I was sur­prised with the waving of a handkerchief, from the win­dow of a coach and six that passed by me at full speed; and upon further observation, I saw a servant on horse­back riding after it, who, I knew by his livery, belong­ed to the squire.—Thunderstruck with this discovery, the knowledge of my misfortune rushed all at once upon my reflection! I guessed immediately that the signal was made by the dear hand of Narcissa, who being hurried away in [Page 179] consequence of Lord Quiverwit's message to her brother, had no other method of relating her distress, and implor­ing my assistance.—Frantic with this conjecture, I ran to my lodgings, snatched my pistols, and ordered Strap to get post horses, with such incoherence of speech and dis­order, that the poor valet, terrified with the suspicion of another duel, instead of providing what I desired, went forthwith to Freeman, who being informed of my beha­viour came straight to my apartment, and conjured me so pathetically to acquaint him with the cause of my un­easiness, that I could not refuse to tell him that my hap­piness was fled with Narcissa, and that I must retrieve her or perish. He represented the madness of such an under­taking, and endeavoured to divert me from it, with great strength of friendship and reason: but all his arguments would have been ineffectual, had he not put me in mind of the dependence I ought to have on the love of Narcissa, and attachment of her maid, which could not fail of find­ing opportunities enough to advertise me of their situa­tion; and, at the same time, demonstrated the injury my charmer's reputation must suffer from my precipitate re­treat. I was convinced and composed by these considera­tions. I appeared in company with an air of tranquillity, was well received by the best company in town, and my misfortune taking air condoled accordingly; while I had the satisfaction of seeing Melinda so universally discounte­nanced, that she was fain to return to London, in order to avoid the scoffs and censure of the ladies at Bath.—But though the hope of hearing from the darling of my soul supported my spirits a little while, I began to be very un­easy, when, at the end of several weeks, I found that ex­pectation disappointed.—In short, melancholy and de­spondence took possession of my soul; and repining at that providence, which, by acting the step-mother towards me, kept me from the fruition of my wishes, I determin­ed, in a fit of despair, to risk all I had at the gaming-ta­ble, with a view of acquiring a fortune sufficient to ren­der me independent for life; or of plunging myself into such a state of misery, as would effectually crush every ambitious hope that now tortured my imagination.

Actuated by this fatal resolution, I engaged in play, and, after some turns of fortune, [...]ound myself at the end [Page 180] of three days, worth a thousand pounds; but it was not my intention to stop there, for which cause I kept Strap ignorant of my success, and continued my career until I was reduced to five guineas, which I would have hazard­ed also, had I not been ashamed to fall from a bett of two hundred pounds to such a petty sum.

Having thus executed my scheme, I went home, amaz­ed to find myself so much at ease, informed my friend Strap of my mischance, with such calmness, that he, ima­gining I joked, affected to receive the tidings with great equanimity.—But both he and I found ourselves mistaken very soon.—I had misinterpreted my own stupidity into deliberate resignation, and he had reason to believe me in earnest, when he saw me next morning agitated with the most violent despair, which he endeavoured to alleviate with all the consolation in his power.

In one of my lucid intervals, however, I charged him to take a place in the stage-coach for London; and in the mean time paid my debts in Bath, which amounted to thirty-shillings only.—Without taking leave of my friends, I embarked, Strap having the good fortune to find a return horse, and arrived in town without having met with any thing remarkable on the road, save that, while we crossed Bagshot heath, I was seized with a sort of inclination to retrieve my fortune, by laying passengers under contribution, in some such place.—My thoughts were so circumstanced at this time, that I should have di­gested the crime of robbery, so righteously had I concert­ed my plan▪ and ventured my life in the execution, had I not been deterred by reflecting upon the infamy that at tends detection.

The apartment I formerly lived in being unengaged, I took possession of it, and next day went in quest of Ban­ter, who received me with open arms, in expectation of having his bond discharged to his liking: but when he understood what had happened, his countenance changed of a sudden, and he told me, with a dryness of displeasure peculiar to himself, that if he was in my place he would put it out of fortune's power to play him such another trick, and be avenged of his own indiscretion at once.—When I desired him to explain his meaning, he pointed to his neck, raised himself on his tip-toes, and was going [Page 181] away without further ceremony, when I put him in mind of my indigence, and demanded the five guineas I had formerly lent him. "Five guineas!" cried he, ‘Zounds, had you acted with common prudence, you might have had twenty thousand in your pocket by this time. I depended upon five hundred from you, as much as if I had had notes for it in the bank; and by all the rules of equity, you are indebted to me for that sum.’—I was neither pleased nor convinced by this computation, and insisted on my right with such determined obstinacy, that he was fain to alter his tone, and appease my clamour, by assuring me that he was not master of five shillings.—So­ciety in distress generally promotes good understanding among people; from being a dun, I descended to be a client, and asked his advice about repairing my losses.—He counselled me to have recourse again to the gaming-table, where I had succeeded so well before, and to put myself in a condition by selling my watch.—I followed his direction, and having accommodated him with a few pieces, went to the place, where I lost every shilling.

I returned to my lodgings full of desperate resolutions, and having made Strap acquainted with my fate, ordered him to pawn my sword immediately, that I might be enabled to make another effort.—This affectionate crea­ture no sooner understood my purpose, than seized with insupportable sorrow at the prospect of my misery, he burst into tears, and asked what I proposed to do after the small sum he could raise on the sword should be spent: "On my own account," said he, ‘I am quite uncon­cerned; for while God spares me health and these ten fingers, I can earn a comfortable subsistence any where; but what must become of you, who have less humility to stoop and more appetites to gratify?’—Here I in­terrupted him by saying, with a gloomy aspect, I should never want a resource while I had a loaded pistol in my possession.—Stupified with horror at this dreadful insinu­ation, he stood mute for some time, then broke out into ‘God of his infinite mercy enable you to withstand that temptation of the devil!—Consider your immortal soul!—there's no repentance in the grave!—O Lord, that ever it should come to this!—Are we not enjoined to resign ourselves to the will of Heaven? where is your pa­tience? [Page 182] — Durum patientla frango—You are but a young man—there may be many good things in store for you— Accidit in punc [...]o quid non speratur in anno—Remember your uncle, Mr. Bowling; perhaps he is now on his voyage homeward, pleasing himself with the hopes of seeing and relieving you—nay, peradventure he is al­ready arrived, the ship was expected about this time.’—A ray of hope shot athwart the darkness of my soul at this suggestion; I thanked my friend for his seasonable recollection, and after having promised to take no resolu­tion till his return, dismissed him to Wapping for intelli­gence.

In his absence I was visited by Banter, who being in­formed of my bad luck at play, told me, that fortune would probably be one day weary of persecuting me. ‘In the mean time,’ said he ‘here's a letter for you, which I received just now, inclosed in one from Free­man.’ I snatched it with eagerness, and knowing the supersciption to be of Narcissa's hand-writing, kissed it with transport; and having opened it, read,

This kind letter afforded me great consolation: I com­municated it to Banter, and at the same time shewed him her picture: he approved of her beauty and good sense, and could not help owning that my neglect of Miss Snapper was excusable, when such a fine creature engrossed my attention.

I began to be reconciled to my fate, and imagined, that if I could contrive means of subsisting until my un­cle should arrive, in case he was not already at home, he would enable me to do something effectual in behalf of my love and fortune. I therefore consulted Banter about a present supply, who no sooner understood that I had credit with a taylor, than he advised me to take off two or three suits of rich clothes, and convert them into cash, by selling them at half price to a salesman in Monmouth-street. I was startled at his proposal, which I thought favoured a little of fraud; but he rendered it palatable by observing that in a few months I might be in a condition to do every body justice; and in the mean time I was ac­quitted by the honesty of my intention. I suffered myself to be persuaded by his salvo, by which my necessity rather than my judgment was convinced; and when I found there were no accounts of the ship in which my uncle em­barked, actually put the scheme in practice, and raised by it five and twenty guineas, paying him for his advice with the odd five.

CHAP. XXV.

BUT this expedient was in a few weeks attended with a consequence I did not foresee: a player having purchased one of the suits which were exposed to sale, ap­peared in it on the stage one night, while my taylor un­fortunately happened to be present.—He knew it immediately, and inquiring minutely into the affair, discovered my whole contrivance: upon which he came to my lodg­ings, and telling me that he was very much straitened for want of money, presented his bill, which amounted to 50 l.—Surprised at this unexpected address, I affected to treat him cavalierly, swore some oaths, asked if he doubt­ed my honour, and telling him I should take care who I dealt with for the future, bid him come again in three days.—He obeyed me punctually, demanded his money, and finding himself amused with [...]are promises, arrested me that very day in the street.—I was not much shocked at this adventure, which, indeed, rescued me from a hor­rible suspence in which I had lived since his first visit. I refused to go to a spunging-house, where I had heard there was nothing but the most flagrant imposition; and a coach being called, I was carried to the Marshalsea, at­tended by a bailiff and his follower, who were very much disappointed and chagrined at my resolution.

The turnkey guessing from my appearance, that I had money in my pocket, received me with the repetition of the Latin word depone, and gave me to understand, that I must pay before-hand for the apartment I should chuse to dwell in.—I desired to see his conveniences, and hired a small paultry bed chamber, for a crown a week, which, in any other place, would not have let for half the money.—Having taken possession of this dismal habitation, I [Page 185] sent for Strap, and my thoughts were busied in collecting matter of consolation to that faithful squire, when some body knocked at my door, which I no sooner opened, than a young fellow entered, in very shabby clothes and marvellous soul linen. After a low bow, he called me by my name, and asked if I had forgot him. His voice assisted me in recollecting his person, which I soon recog­nized to be my old acquaintance beau Jackson, of whom mention is made in the first part of my memoirs.—I saluted him, expressed my satisfaction at finding him alive, and condoled with him on his present situation; which, how­ever, did not seem to affect him much, for he laughed very heartily at the occasion of our meeting so unexpectedly in this place.

After our mutual compliments were over, I inquired about his amour with the lady of fortune, which seemed to be so near a happy conclusion when I had the pleasure of seeing him last; and, after an immoderate fit of laugh­ter, he gave me to understand, that he had been egregi­ously bit in that affair. "You must know," said he, ‘that a few days after our adventure with the bawd and her b—ches, I found means to be married to that same fine lady you speak of, and passed the night with her, at her lodgings, so much to her satisfaction, that early in the morning, after a good deal of sniveling and sobbing, she owned, that, so far from being an heiress of a great fortune, she was no other than a common woman of the town, who had decoyed me into matrimony, in order to enjoy the privilege of a femme couverte, and that, unless I made my escape immediately, I should be ar­rested for a debt of her contracting by bailiffs employed and instructed for that purpose. Startled at this inti­mation, I arose in a twinkling, and, taking leave of my spouse with several hearty damns, got safe into the verge of the court, where I kept snug until I was ap­pointed surgeon's mate of a man of war at Portsmouth; for which place I set out on a Sunday, went on board of my ship, in which I sailed to the Straits, where I had the good fortune to be made surgeon of a sloop that came home in a few months after, and was put out of commission: whereupon I came to London, imagin­ing myself forgotten, and freed from my wife and her [Page 186] creditors, but had not been in town a week before I was arrested for a debt of her's, amounting to 20 l. and brought to this place, where I have been fixed by ano­ther action since that time. However, you know my disposition; I defy care and anxiety, and, being on the half-pay list, make shift to live here tolerably easy.’—I congratulated him on his philosophy, and, remembering that I was in his debt, repaid the money he formerly le [...]t me, which I believe was far from being unseasonable. I then inquired about the economy of the place, which he explained to my satisfaction, and, after we had agreed to mess together, he was just going to give orders for dinner when Strap arrived.

I never in my life saw sorrow so extravagantly expressed in any countenance as in that of my honest friend, which was indeed particularly adapted by nature for such impres­sions. Being left by ourselves, I communicated to him my disaster, and endeavoured to console him with the same arguments he had formerly used to me, withal represent­ing the fair chance I had of being relieved in a short time by Mr. Bowling. But his grief was unutterable; he seemed to give attention without listening, and wrung his hands in silence; so that I was in a fair way of being infected with his behaviour, when Jackson returned, and, perceiv­ing the deference I paid to Strap although in a footman's habit, distributed his cr [...]mbs of comfort with such mirth, jollity, and unconcern, that the features of the distressed squire relaxed by degrees, he recovered the use of speech, and began to be a little more reconciled to this lamentable event. We dined together on boiled beef and greens, brought from a cook's shop in the neighbourhood; and, although this meal was served up in a manner little corre­sponding with the sphere of life in which I had lately li­ved, I made a virtue of necessity, eat with a good appetite, and treated my friends with a bottle of wine, which had the desired effect of encreasing the good humour of my fellow-prisoner, and exhilirating the spirits of Strap, who now talked of my misfortune en cavalier.

After dinner Jackson left us to our private affairs—when I desired my friend to pack up all our things, and carry them to some cheap lodging he should chuse for himself in the neighbourhood of the Marshalsea, after he had dis­charged [Page 187] my lodging, for which I gave him money. I likewise recommended to him the keeping my misfortune se­cret, and saying to my landlord, or any other who should inquire for me, that I was gone into the country for a few weeks: at the same time I laid strong injunctions upon him to call every second day upon Banter, in case he should receive any [...]ters for me from Narcissa by the channel of Freeman▪ and by all means to leave a direction for himself at my [...] lodgings in Wapping, by which I might be found when my kinsman should arrive.

When he departed to execute these orders, (which by the bye were punctually performed that very night,) I found myself so little seasoned to my situation, that I dreaded reflection, and sought shelter from it in the com­pany of the beau, who, promising to regale me with a lecture upon taste, conducted me to the common side, where I saw a number of naked miserable wretches assem­bled together. We had not been there many minutes when a figure appeared, wrapped in a dirty rug, tied about his loins with two pieces of list of different colours, knotted together, having a black bushy beard, and his head covered with a huge mass of brown periwig, which seemed to have been ravished from the crown of some scarecrow. This apparition stalking in with great solem­nity, made a profound bow to the audience, who signified their approbation by a general response of, ‘How d'ye do, doctor?’ He then turned towards us, and ho­noured Jackson with a particular salutation; upon which, my friend, in a formal manner, introduced him to me by the name of Mr. Melopoyn. This ceremony being over, he advanced into the middle of the congregation, which crowded around him, and hemming three times, to my utter astonishment, pronounced, with great significance of voice and gesture, a very elegant and ingenious discourse upon the difference between genius and taste, illustrating his assertions with apt quotations from the best authors, ancient as well as modern. When he had finished his ha­rangue, which lasted a full hour, he bowed again to the spectators, not one of whom, I was informed, understood so much as a sentence of what he had uttered. They manifest­ed, however, their admiration and esteem by voluntary con­tribution, which Jackson told me, one week with another, [Page 188] amounted to eighteen pence. This moderate stipend, to­gether with some small presents which he received for making up differences and deciding causes amongst the prisoners, just enabled him to breathe, and walk about in the grotesque figure I have described. I understood also, that he was an excellent poet, and had composed a trage­dy, which was allowed, by every body who had seen it, to be a performance of great merit; that his learning was infinite, his morals unexceptionable, and his modesty in­vincible. Such a character could not fail of attracting my regard; I longed impatiently to be acquainted with him, and desired Jackson would engage him to spend the even­ing in my apartment. My request was granted; he fa­voured us with his company, and, in the course of our con­versation, perceiving that I had a strong passion for the belles lettres, acquitted himself so well on that subject that I expressed a fervent desire of seeing his productions: in this too be gratified my inclination—he promised to bring his tragedy to my room next day, and in the mean time entertained me with some detached pieces, which gave me a very advantageous idea of his poetical talent. A­mong other things I was particularly pleased with some elegies in imitation of Tibullus, one of which I beg leave to submit to the reader, as a specimen of his complexion and capacity.

I was wonderfully affected with this pathetic complaint, which seemed so well calculated for my own disappoint­ment in love, that I could not help attaching the idea Narcissa to the name of Monimia, and of forming such melancholy presages of my passion, that I could not reco­ver my tranquillity, and was fain to have recourse to the bottle, which prepared me for a profound sleep that I could not otherwise have enjoyed. Whether these impres­sions invited and introduced a train of other melancholy reflections, or my fortitude was all exhausted in the effort I made against despondence, the first day of my imprison­ment, I cannot determine; but I awoke in the horrors, and found my imagination haunted with such dismal ap­paritions, that I was ready to despair: and I believe the reader will own, that I had no great cause to congratulate myself, when I considered my situation. I was interrupted in the midst of these gloomy apprehensions by the arrival of Strap, who contributed not a little to the re-establish­ment of my peace, by letting me know he had hired him­self as a journeyman-barber, by which means he would not only save me a considerable expence, but even make shift to lay up something for my subsistence after my money should be spent, in case I should not be relieved before.

CHAP. XXVI.

WHILE we eat our breakfast together, I acquainted him with [...] character and condition of the poet, who came in with his play at that instant, and, imagining we were engaged about business, could not be prevailed upon to sit, but, leaving his performance, went away.—My friend's tender heart was melted at the sight of a gen­tleman and Christian (for he had a great veneration for both th [...]se epithets) in such misery, and assented with great cheerfulness to a proposal I made of clothing him with our superfluities, a task with which he charged himself, and departed immediately to perform it.

He was no sooner gone than I locked my door, and sat down to the tragedy, which I read to the end with vast pleasure▪ not a little [...] at the conduct of the mana­gers who had rejected it. The fable, in my opinion, was well chosen, and naturally conducted; the incidents in­teresting; [...]he characters beautifully contrasted, strongly marked, and well supported; the diction poetical, spirit­ed, and correct; the unities of the drama maintained with the most scrupulous exactness; the opening gradual and engaging; the peripet [...]iaia surprising, and the catastrophe affecting: in short, I judged it by the laws of Aristotle and Horace, and could find nothing in it exceptionable but a little too much embellishment in some few places; which objection he removed to my satisfaction by a quotation from Aristotle's Poetics, importing▪ that the least inte­resting parts of a poem ought to be raised and dignified by the charms and energy of diction.

I revered his genius, and was seized with an eager curiosity to know the particular events of a fortune so unworthy of his merit. At that instant Strap return­ed with a bundle of clothes, which I sent with my compliments to Mr. Melopoyn as a small token of my regard, and desired the favour of his company to din­ner. He accepted my present and invitation, and in less than half an hour made his appearance in a de­cent [Page 191] dress, which altered his figure very much to his advantage. I perceived by his countenance that his heart was big with gratitude, and endeavoured to prevent his acknowledgments, by asking pardon for the liberty I had taken; he made no reply, but, with an aspect full of ad­miration and esteem, bowed to the ground, while the tears gushed from his eyes. Affected with these symptoms of an ingenuous mind, I shifted the conversation from this subject, and complimented him on his performance, which I assured him afforded me infinite pleasure. My approba­tion made him happy: dinner being served, and Jackson arrived, I begged their permission for Strap to sit at table with us, after having informed them, that he was a person to whom I was extremely obliged; they were kind enough to grant that favour, and we eat together with great har­mony and satisfaction.

Our meal being ended, I expressed my wonder at the little regard Mr. Melopoyn had met with from the world, and signified a desire of hearing how he had been treated by the managers of the play-houses, to whom, I understood from Jackson, he had offered his tragedy without success. ‘There is so little entertaining in the incidents of my life,’ said he, ‘that I am sure the recital will not re­compense your attention; but, since you discover an inclination to know them, I understand my duty too well to disappoint your desires.’

MY father, who was a curate in the country, being, by the narrowness of his circumstances, hindered from main­taining me at the university, took the charge of my edu­cation upon himself, and laboured with such industry and concern in the undertaking, that I had little cause to re­gret the want of public masters. Being at great pains to consult my natural bias, he discovered in me, betimes, an inclination for poetry; upon which he recommended to me an intimate acquaintance with the classics, in the cul­tivation of which he assisted me with paternal zeal, and uncommon erudition. When he thought me sufficiently acquainted with the ancients, he directed my studies to the best modern authors, French and Italian, as well as English, and laid a particular injunction upon me to make myself master of my mother tongue.

[Page 192] About the age of eighteen I grew ambitious of under­taking a work of some consequence, and, with my father's approbation, actually planned the tragedy you have read; but, before I had finished four acts, that indulgent parent died, and left my mother and me in very indigent circum­stances. A near relation, compassionating our distress, took us into his family, where I brought my fable to a conclusion, and soon after my mother quitted this life.—When my sorrow for this melancholy event had subsided, I told my kinsman, who was a farmer, that, having paid my last duty to my parent, I had now no attachment to detain me in the country, and therefore was resolved to set out for London, and offer my play to the stage, where I did not doubt of acquiring a large share of fame as well as fortune, in which case I should not be unmindful of my friends and benefactors. My cousin was ravished with the prospect of my felicity, and willingly contributed towards the expence of fitting me out for the expedition.

Accordingly I took a place in the waggon, and arrived in town, where I hired an apartment in a garret, willing to live as frugal as possible until I should know what I had to expect from the manager, to whom I intended to offer my play—for though I looked upon myself as per­fectly secure of a good reception, imagining that a paten­tee would be as eager to receive as I to present my pro­duction, I did not know whether or not he might not be pre-engaged in favour of another author, which would certainly retard my success. On this consideration too I determined to be speedy in my application, and even to wait upon one of the managers the very next day. For this purpose I enquired of my landlord, if he knew where either or both of them lived? and he being curious to know my business, and at the same time appearing to be a very honest, friendly man, (a tallow-chandler,) I made him acquainted with my design! upon which he told me, that I went the wrong way to work; that I would not find such easy access to a manager as I imagined, and that, if I delivered my performance without proper recommenda­tion, it would be as one to a thousand if ever it should be minded. "Take my advice," said he, ‘and your busi­ness is done. One of the patentees is a good Catho­lic as I am, and uses the same father who confesses me. [Page 193] I will make you acquainted with this good priest, who is an excellent scholar, and if he should approve of your play, his recommendation will go a great way in de­termining Mr. Supple to bring it on the stage.’ I ap­plauded his expedient, and was introduced to the friar, who, having perused the tragedy, was pleased to signify his approbation, and commended me in particular for ha­ving avoided all reflections upon religion. He promised to use all his influence with his son Supple in my behalf, and to inform himself that very day, when it would be proper for me to wait upon him with the piece. He was punc­tual in performing his engagement, and next morning gave me to understand, that he had mentioned my affair to the manager, and that I had no more to do than to go to his house any time in the forenoon, and make use of his name, upon which I should find immediate admittance. I took his advice, put my performance in my bosom, and, having received directions, went immediately to the house of Mr. Supple, and knocked at the door, which had a wicket in the middle, faced with a net-work of iron, through which a servant, having viewed me some time, demanded to know my business. I told him my business was with Mr. Supple, and that I came from Mr. O'Varnish. He examined my appearance once more, then went away, returned in a few minutes, and said his master was busy, and could not be seen. Although I was a little mortified at my disappoint­ment, I was persuaded, that my reception was owing to Mr. Supple's ignorance of my errand; and, that I might meet with no more obstructions of the same kind, I desi­red Mr. O'Varnish to be my introductor the next time. He complied with my request, and obtained immediate admittance to the manager, who received me with the ut­most civility, and promised to read my play with the first convenience. By his own appointment I called again in a fortnight, but he was gone out; I returned in a week after, and the poor gentleman was extremely ill; I re­newed my visit in a fortnight after that, and he assured me he had been so much fatigued with business, that he had not been able as yet to read it to an end, but he would take the first opportunity, and in the mean time observed, that what he had yet seen of it was very entertaining. I comforted myself with this declaration a few weeks longer, [Page 194] at the end of which I appeared again before the wicket, was let in, and found him laid up with the gout. I no sooner entered his chamber than, looking at me with a languishing eye, he pronounced, ‘Mr. Melopoyn, I'm heartily sorry for an accident that has happened during my illness—you must know, that my eldest boy, finding your manuscript upon the table in the dining-room where I used to read it, carried it into the kitchen, and leaving it there, a negligent wench of a cook-maid, mistaking it for waste-paper, has expended it all but a few leaves in singeing fowls upon the spit—but I hope the misfortune is not irreparable, since, no doubt, you have several copies.’

I protest to you, my good friend, Mr. Random, I was extremely shocked at this information! but the good-na­tured gentleman seemed to be so much affected with my misfortune, that I suppressed my concern, and told him that, although I had not another copy, I should be able to retrieve the loss by writing another from my memory, which was very tenacious. You cannot imagine how well pleased Mr. Supple was at this assurance; he begged I would set about it immediately, and carefully revolve and recollect every circumstance, before I pretended to commit it to paper, that it might be the same individual play he had perused. Encouraged by this injunction, which plainly demonstrated how much he interested himself in the affair, I tasked my remembrance and industry, and in three weeks produced the exact image of the former, which was con­veyed to him by my good friend Father O'Varnish, who told me next day, that Mr. Supple would revise it super­ficially, in order to judge of its sameness with the other, and [...] give his final answer. For this examination I allotted a week, and, in full confidence of seeing it acted in a little while, demanded an audience of the manager when that term was expired. But alas! the season had slap­ped away insensibly; he convinced me, that, if my play had been put into rehearsal at that time, it could not have been ready for performing until the end of March, when the be­nefit nights came on; consequently it would have interfered with the interest of the players, whom it was my business not to disoblige.

I was fain to acquiesce in these reasons, which, to be [Page 195] [...] were extremely just! and to reserve my performance to [...] next season, when he hoped I would not be so un­lucky—Although it was a grievous disappointment to me, who by this time began to want both money and ne­cessaries, having, on the strength of my expectation from the theatre, launched out into some extravagances, by which the sum I had brought to town was already almost consumed. Indeed, I ought to be ashamed at this circum­stance of my conduct; for my finances were sufficient, with good economy, to have maintained me comfortably a whole year. You perhaps will be amazed when I tell you, that in six months I expended not a farthing less than ten guineas: but when one considers the temptations to which a young man is exposed in this great city, especi­ally if he i [...] addicted to pleasure as I am, the wonder will vanish, or at least abate. Nor was the cause of my con­cern limited to my own situation entirely: I had wrote an account of my good reception to my kinsman the farmer, and desired him to depend upon me for the money he had kindly accommodated me with about the end of February; which promise I now found myself unable to perform.—However, there was no remedy but patience: I applied to my landlord, who was a very good-natured man, can­didly owned my distress, and begged his advice in laying down some plan for my subsistence. He readily promised to consult his confessor on this subject, and in the mean time told me, I was welcome to lodge and board with him, until fortune should put it in my power to make restitu­tion.

Mr. O'Varnish, being informed of my necessity, offered to introduce me to the author of a weekly paper, who, he did not doubt, would employ me in that way, provided he should find me duly qualified; but, upon enquiry, I understood, that this journal was calculated to foment di­visions in the commonwealth, and therefore I desired to be excused from engaging in it. He then proposed, that I should write something in the poetical way, which I might dispose of to a bookseller for a pretty sum of ready money, and perhaps establish my own character into the bargain: this event would infallibly procure friends, and my tragedy would appear next season to the best advan­tage, by being supported both by interest and reputation. [Page 196] I was charmed with this prospect, and, having heard what friends Mr. Pope acquired by his pastorals, set about a work of that kind, and in less than six weeks composed as many eclogues, which I forthwith offered to an emi­nent bookseller, who desired I would leave them for his perusal, and he would give me an answer in two days. At the end of that time I went to him, when he returned the poems, telling me they would not answer his purpose, and sweetened his refusal by saying there were some good clever lines in them. Not a little dejected at this rebuff, which I learned from Mr. O'Varnish, was owing to the opinion of another author, whom this bookseller always consulted on these occasions, I applied to another person of the same profession, who told me, that the town was cloyed with pastorals, and advised me, if I intended to profit by my talents, to write something satirical or lus­cious, such as The Button-hole, Shockey and Towzer, The Leaky Vessel, &c. And yet this was a man in years, who wore a reverend periwig, looked like a senator, and went regularly to church. Be that as it will, I scorned to pro­stitute my pen in the manner he proposed, and carried my papers to a third, who assured me that poetry was entirely out of his way, and asked, if I had got never a piece of secret history thrown into a series of letters, or a volume of adventures, such as those of Robinson Crusoe and Co­lonel Jack, or a collection of conundrums, wherewith to entertain the plantations? Being quite un [...]urnished for this dealer, I had recourse to another with as little success, and I verily believe was rejected by the whole trade.

I was afterwards persuaded to offer myself as a transla­tor, and accordingly repaired to a person who was said to entertain numbers of that class in his pay: he assured me he had already a great deal of that work on his hands, which he did not know what to do with, observed, that translation was a mere drug, that branch of literature being overstocked by an inundation of authors from North-Britain, and asked what I would expect per sheet [...]or ren­dering the Latin classics into English. That I might not make myself too cheap, I determined to set a high price upon my qualification, and demanded half a guinea for every translated sheet.—"Half a guinea!" cried he, sta­ring at me; then paused a little, and said he had no oc­casion [Page 197] for my service at present. I found my error, and, resolving to make amends, fell one half in my demand: upon which he stared at me again, and told me his hands were full. I attempted others without finding employ­ment, and was actually reduced to a very uncomfortable prospect, when I bethought myself of offering my talents to the printers of halfpenny ballads, and other such occa­sional essays as are hawked about the streets. With this view I applied to one of the most noted and vociferous of this tribe, who directed me to a person whom I found en­tertaining a whole crowd of them with gin, bread, and cheese: he carried me into a little back parlour, very neatly furnished, where I signified my desire of being en­rolled among his writers, and was asked what kind of composition I professed? Understanding that my inclination leaned towards poetry, he expressed his satisfaction, telling me, one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam, and the other was become dozed by drinking drams; so that he had not done any thing tolerable these many weeks. When I proposed, that he should enter into terms of agreement, he gave me to understand, that his bargains were always conditional, and his authors paid in proportion to the sale of their works.

Having therefore settled these conditions, which (I do assure you) were not very advantageous to me, he assigned me a subject for a ballad, which was to be finished in two hours; and I retired to my garret in order to perform his injunction.—As the theme happened to suit my fancy, I completed a pretty sort of an ode within the time pre­scribed, and brought it to him, big with hope of profit and pleasure. He read it in a twinkling, and, to my utter astonishment, told me it would not do; though indeed, he owned I wrote a good hand, and spelled very well, but my language was too high flown, and of consequence not at all adapted to the capacity and taste of his customers.—I promised to rectify that mistake, and in half an hour humbled my style to the comprehension of vulgar readers: he approved of the alteration, and gave me some hopes of succeeding in time, though he observed that my perform­ance was very deficient in quaintness of expression that pleases the multitude: however, to encourage me, he ven­tured [Page 198] the expence of printing and paper, and, if I remem­ber aright, my share of the sale amounted to four pence halfpenny.

From that day, I studied the Grub-street manner with great diligence, and at length became such a proficient, that my works were in great request among the most polite of the chairmen, draymen, hackney-coachmen, footmen, and servant maids: nay, I have enjoyed the pleasure of seeing my productions adorned with cuts, pasted upon the wall as ornaments in beer-cellars, and coblers stalls; and have actually heard them sung in clubs of substantial trades­men.—But empty praise, (you know, my dear friend,) will not supply the cravings of nature.—I found myself in danger of starving in the midst of all my fame; for of ten songs I composed, it was well if two had the good fortune to please.—For this reason I turned my thoughts to prose, and during a tract of gloomy weather, published an appa­rition, on the substance of which I subsisted very com­fortably a whole month: I have made many a good meal upon a monster; a rape has often afforded me great satis­faction; but a murder, well-timed, was my never-failing resource.—What then! I was a most miserable [...]lave to my employers, who expected to be furnished, at a minute's warning, with prose and verse, just as they thought the circumstances of the times required, whether the inclination was absent or present. Upon my sincerity, Mr. Random, I have been so much pestered and besieged by these children of clamour, that my life became a burden to me.

CHAP. XXVII.

I MADE shift, notwithstanding, to maintain myself till the beginning of next winter, when I renewed my ad­dresses to my friend Mr. Supple, and was most graciously received.— ‘I have been thinking of your affair, Mr. Melopoyn,’ said he, ‘and am determined to shew how far I have your interest at heart, by introducing you to a young nobleman of my acquaintance, who is re­markable for his fine taste in dramatic writings, and is, beside, a man of such influence, that if once he should [Page 199] approve your play, his patronage will support it against all the efforts of envy and ignorance; for I do assure you, that merit alone will not bring success.—I have already spoke of your performance to Lord Rattle, and if you will call at my house in a day or two, you shall have a letter of introduction to his Lordship.’—I [...] sensibly touched with this mark of Mr. Supple's friendship, and looking upon my affair as already done, went home, and imparted my good fortune to my land­lord, who, to render my appearance more acceptable to my patron, procured a new suit of clothes for me on his own credit.

Not to trouble you with idle particulars. I carried my tragedy to his Lordship's lodgings, and sent [...]t up along with Mr. Supple's letter, by one of his servants, who de­sired me, by his Lordship's order, to return in a week.—I did so, and was admitted to his Lordship, who receiv­ed me very courteously, told me he had perused my play, which he thought on the whole, was the best coup d' essai he had ever seen; but that he had marked some places in the margin, which he imagined might be altered for the better.—I was transported with this reception, and pro­mised, (with many acknowledgments of his Lordship's generosity,) to be governed solely by his advice and di­rection.—"Well, then," said he, ‘write another fair co­py with the alterations I have proposed, and bring it to me as soon as possible, for I am resolved to have it brought on the stage this winter.’—You may be sure I set about this task with alacrity, and although I found his Lordship's remarks much more numerous and of less importance than I expected, I thought it was not my in­terest to dispute about trifles with my patron; therefore new-modelled it according to his desire, in less than a month.

When I waited upon him with the manuscript, I found one of the actors at breakfast with his Lordship, who im­mediately introduced him to my acquaintance, and desir­ed him to read a scene of my play.—This task he performed very much to my satisfaction with regard to emphasis and pronunciation; but he signified his disgust at several words in every page, which I presuming to defend, Lord Rat­tle told me, with a peremptory look, I must not pretend [Page 200] to dispute with him, who had been a player these twenty years, and understood the economy of the stage better than any man living. I was forced to submit, and his Lordship proposed the same actor should read the whole play, in the evening, before some gentleman of his ac­quaintance, whom he would convene at his lodgings for that purpose.

I was present at the reading; and I protest to you, my dear friend, I never underwent such a severe trial in the whole course of my life, as at that juncture! for although the player might be a very honest man and a good per­former, he was excessively illiterate and assuming, and made a thousand frivolous objections, which I was not permitted to answer: however, the piece was very much applauded on the whole; the gentlemen present, who I understood were men of fortune, promised to countenance and support it as much as they could; and Lord Rattle assuring me, that he would act the part of a careful nurse to it, desired me to carry it home, and alter immediate­ly according to their remarks.—I was fain to acquiesce in his determination, and fulfilled his injunctions with all the expedition in my power; but before I could present the new copy, my good friend Mr. Supple had disposed of his property and patent to one Mr. Brayer; so that fresh interest was to be made with the new manager.—This task Lord Rattle undertook, having some acquaintance with him, and recommended my performance so strongly that it was received.

I looked upon myself now, as upon the eve of reaping the fruits of all my labour: I waited a few days in ex­pectation of its being put into rehearsal, and wondering at the delay, applied to my worthy patron, who excused Mr. Brayer on account of the multiplicity of business in which he was involved; and bid me beware of teazing the patentee.—I treasured up this caution, and exerted my patience three weeks longer; at the end of which his Lordship gave me to understand, that Mr. Brayer had read my play, and owned it had indubitable merit; but as he had long been pre-engaged to another author, he could not possibly represent it that season; though, if I would reserve it for the next, and in the interim make [Page 201] such alterations as he had proposed by observations in the margin, I might depend upon his compliance.

Thunderstruck at this disappointment, I could not, for some minutes, utter one syllable: at length, however, I complained bitterly of the manager's insincerity in amu­sing me so long, when he knew from the beginning, that he could not gratify my desire.—But his Lordship repri­manded me for my freedom, said Mr. Brayer was a man of honour, and imputed his behaviour, with respect to me, to nothing else but forgetfulness.—And indeed I have had some reason, since that time, to be convinced of his bad memory; for, in spite of appearances, I will not al­low myself to interpret his conduct any other way.—Lord Rattle observing me very much affected with my disap­pointment, offered his interest to bring on my play at the other house, which I eagerly accepting, he forthwith wrote a letter of recommendation to Mr. Bellower, actor and prime minister to Mr. Vandal, proprietor of that theatre; and desired me to deliver it with my tragedy, without loss of time.—Accordingly, I hastened to his house, where, after having waited a whole hour in a lob­by, I was admitted to his presence, and my performance received with great state.—He told me he was extremely busy at present, but he would peruse it as soon as possi­ble; and bid me call again in a week. I took my leave, not a little astonished at the port and supercilious beha­viour of this stage player, who had not treated me with good manners; and began to think the dignity of a poet greatly impaired since the days of Euripides and Sopho­cles; but all this was nothing in comparison of what I have since observed.

Well, Mr. Random, I went back at the appointed time, and was told that Mr. Bellower was engaged, and could not see me.—I repeated my visit a few days after, and having waited a considerable time, was favoured with an audience, during which he said, he had not as yet read my play.—Nettled at this usage, I could contain myself no longer, but telling him, I imagined he would have paid more deference to Lord Rattle's recommendation, demanded my manuscript with some expressions of resent­ment.—"Ay," said he, in a theatrical tone, ‘with all my heart.’—Then pulling out a drawer of the bureau [Page 202] at which he sat, he took out a bundle, and threw it upon a table that was [...]ear him, pronouncing the word, "There," with great disdain.—I took it up, and perceiving, with some surprize, that it was a comedy, told him, it did not belong to me; upon which he offered me another, which I also disclaimed.—A third was produced, and rejected for the same reason. At length he pulled out a whole [...]andful, and spread them before me, saying, ‘There are seven—take which you please—or take them all.’—I singled out my own, and went away, struck dumb with admiration at what I had seen—not so much on account of his insolence, as of the number of new plays, which, from this circumstance, I concluded were yearly offered to the stage.—You may be sure I did not fail to carry my complaint to my patron, who did not receive it with all the indignation I expected; but taxed me with precipi­tation, and told me, I must lay my account with bearing the humours of the players, if I intended to write for the stage.—"There is now no other remedy," said he, ‘but to keep it till the next season for Mr. Brayer, and alter it at your leisure in the summer time, according to his directions.’—I was now reduced to a terrible alterna­tive, either to quit all hopes of my tragedy, from which I had all along promised myself a large share of fortune and reputation, or to encounter eight long months of ad­versity, in preparing for, and expecting its appearance.—This last penance, painful as it was, seemed most eligible to my reflection at that time, and therefore I resolved to undergo it.

Why should I tire you with particulars of no conse­quence? I wrestled with extreme poverty, until the time of my probation was expired; and went to my Lord Rat­tle, in order to remind him of my affair, when I under­stood, to my great concern, that his Lordship was on the point of going abroad, and, which was still more unfor­tunate for me, Mr. Brayer had gone into the country; so that my generous patron had it not in his power to intro­ [...]ace me personally, as he intended: however, he wrote every strong letter to the manager in my favour, and put him in mind of the promise he had made in behalf of my play.

As soon as I was certified of Mr. Brayer's return, I [Page 203] went to his house with this letter, but was told he was gone out.—I called again next day early in the morning, received the same answer, and was desired to leave my name and business. I did so, and returned the day after, when the servant still affirmed, that his master was gone abroad, though I perceived him, as I retired, observing me through a window.—Incensed at this discovery I went to a coffee-house hard by, and inclosing his Lordship's letter in one from myself, demanded a categorical an­swer. I sent it to his house by a porter, who returned in a few minutes, and told me Mr. Brayer would be glad to see me that instant.—I obeyed the summons, and was received with such profusion of compliments and apolo­gies, that my resentment immediately subsided, and I was even in pain for the concern which this honest man shew­ed at the mistake of his servant, who, it seems, had been ordered to deny him to every body but me.—He expres­sed the utmost veneration for his good and noble friend Lord Rattle, whom he should always be proud to serve; promised to peruse the play with all dispatch, and give me a meeting upon it; and, as a testimony of his esteem, made me a present of a general order for the season, by which I should be admitted to any part of the theatre.—This was a very agreeable compliment to me, whose greatest pleasure consisted in seeing dramatic performan­ces, and you need not doubt that I often availed myself of my privilege. As I had an opportunity of being be­hind the scenes when I pleased, I frequently conversed with Mr. Brayer about my play, and asked when he intend­ed to put it into rehearsal; but he had always so much busi­ness upon his hands, that it remained with him unopened a considerable while; and I became very uneasy about the season, that wasted apace, when I saw in the papers ano­ther new play advertised, which had been written, offer­ed, accepted and rehearsed in the compass of three months, without my knowledge or suspicion.—You may easily guess how much I was confounded at this event! I own to you that, in the first transports of my anger, I suspect­ed Mr. Brayer of having acted towards me in the most pitiful, perfidious manner; and was actually glad at his disappointment in the success of his favourite piece, which by the strength of art lingered till the third night, and [Page 204] then died in a deplorable manner. But, now that passion has no share in my reflection, I am willing to ascribe his behaviour to his want of memory, or want of judgment, which, you know, are natural defects, that are more worthy of compassion than reproach.

About this time I happened to be in company with a gentlewoman, who having heard of my tragedy, told me, she was acquainted with the wife of a gentleman, who was very well known to a lady, who had great interest with a person who was intimate with Earl Sheerwit, and that, if I pleased, she would use her influence in my be­half.—As this nobleman had the character of a M [...]ecenas in the nation, and could stamp a value upon any work by his sole countenance and approbation, I accepted her of­fer with eagerness, in full confidence of seeing my reputa­tion established, and my wishes fulfilled in a very short time, provided that I should have the good fortune to please his Lordship's taste. I withdrew the manuscript from the hands of Mr. Brayer, and committed it to the care of this gentlewoman, who laboured so effectually in my interest, that in less than a month it was conveyed to the Earl, and in a few weeks after, I had the satisfaction to hear that he had read and approved it very much. Transported with this piece of intelligence, I flattered myself with the hopes of his interesting himself in its fa­vour; but hearing no more of the matter in three whole months, I began (God forgive me!) to suspect the vera­city of the person who brought me the good tidings; for I thought it impossible, that a man of his rank and cha­racter, who knew the difficulty of writing a good trage­d [...], and understood the dignity of the work, should read and applaud an essay of this kind, without feeling an in­clination to befriend the author, whom his countenance alone could raise above dependence. But it was not long before I found my friend very much wronged by my opinion.

You must know that the civilities I had received from Lord Rattle, and the desire he manifested to promote the success of my play, encouraged me to write an account of my [...]ad fortune to his Lordship, who condescended so far, as to desire, by letter, a young squire of a great estate, with whom he was intimate, to espouse my cause, and in [Page 205] particular to make me acquainted with one Mr. Marmo­zet, a celebrated player, who had lately appeared on the stage with astonishing eclat, and bore such sway in the house where he acted, that the managers durst not refuse any thing he recommended. The young gentleman, whom Lord Rattle had employed for this purpose, being diffi­dent of his own interest with Mr. Marmozet, had recourse to a nobleman of his acquaintance, who, at his solicitation, was so good as to introduce me to him; and the conver­sation turning upon my performance, I was not a little surprised as well as pleased to hear, that Earl Sheerwit had spoke very much in its praise, and even sent Mr. Mar­mozet the copy, with a message, expressing a desire that he would act in it next season.—Nor was the favourite actor backward in commending the piece, which he mentioned with some expressions of regard that I do not chuse to re­peat; assuring me that he would appear in it, provided he should be engaged to play at all during the ensuing season. In the mean time he desired I would give him leave to peruse it in the country, whither he intended to remove next day, that he might have leisure to consider and point out such alterations as might, perhaps, be ne­cessary for the jeu de theatre; and took my direction, that he might communicate by letter, the observations he should make. Trusting to these assurances, and the in­terest which had been made in my behalf, I hugged my­self in the expectation of seeing it, not only acted, but acted to the greatest advantage, which I thought could not fail of recompensing me in an ample manner, for the anxiety and affliction I had undergone: but six weeks be­ing elapsed, I did not know how to reconcile Mr. Mar­mozet's silence, with his promise of writing to me in ten days after he set out for the country; however, I was at last favoured with a letter, importing that he had made some remarks on my tragedy, which he would freely im­pare at meeting, and advised me to put it, without loss of time, into the hands of that manager, who had the best company; as he himself was quite uncertain whether or not he should be engaged that winter.—I was a good deal alarmed at this last part of his letter, and advised about it with a friend, who told me, it was a plain indication of Mr. Marmozet's desire to get rid of his promise; that his [Page 206] pretended uncertainty about acting next winter, was no other than a scandalous evasion; for to his certain know­ledge, he was already engaged, or, at least, in terms with Mr. Vandal; and that his design was to disappoint me, in favour of a new comedy, which he had purchased of the author, and was intended to bring upon the stage, for his own advantage.—In short, my dear Sir, this person, who, I must own, is of a very sanguine complexion, hand­led the moral character of Mr. Marmozet with such seve­rity that I began to suspect him of some particular pre­judice, and put myself upon my guard against his insinu­ations.—I ought to crave pardon for this tedious narra­tion of trivial circumstances, which, however interesting they may be to me, must certainly be very dry and insi­pid to the ear of one unconcerned in the affair.—But I understand the meaning of your looks, and will proceed. Well, Sir, Mr. Marmozet, upon his return to town, treat­ed me with uncommon complaisance, and invited me to his lodgings, where he proposed to communicate his re­marks, which [...] confess, were more unfavourable than I expected; but I answered his objections, and, as I thought, brought him over to my opinion; for, on the whole, he signified the highest approbation of the performance. In the course of our dispute, I was not a little surprised to find this poor gentleman's memory so treacherous as to let him forget what he had said to me before he went out of town, in regard to Earl Sheerwit's opinion of my play, which he now professed himself ignorant of; and I was extremely mortified at hearing from his own mouth, that his interest with Mr. Vandal was so very low, as to be in­sufficient of itself, to bring a new piece upon the stage. I then begged his advice, and he counselled me to apply to Earl Sheerwit for a message in my favour to the mana­ger, who would not presume to refuse any thing recom­mended by so great a man; and he was so kind as to promise to second this message with all his power.—I had immediate recourse to the worthy gentlewoman my friend already mentioned, who opened the channels of her con­veyance with such expedition, that in a few days, I had the promise of the message, provided I could insure myself of Mr. Vandal's being unengaged to any other author; for his lordship did not chuse to condescend so far, until he should [Page 207] understand that there was a probability, at least, of suc­ceeding. At the same time in which I was blessed with this piece of news, I was startled at another, by the same canal of communication; which was, that Mr. Marmo­zet, before he advised me to this application, had inform­ed the Earl, that he had read my play, and found it al­together unfit for the stage.—Though I could not doubt the certainty of this intelligence, I believed there was some misapprehension in the case; and without taking any notice of it, told Mr. Marmozet the answer I had been, favoured with; upon which he testified much joy, and promised to ask Mr. Vandal the question proposed.—I waited upon him in a day or two, when he gave me to understand, that Mr. Vandal having professed himself free of all engagements, he had put my play into his hands, and represented it as a piece strongly recommended by Earl Sheerwit, who, he assured him, would honour him, with a message in its favour; and he desired me to call for an answer at Mr. Vandal's house in three days.—I followed his directions, and found the manager, who, be­ing made acquainted with my business, owned, that Mr. Marmozet had given him a manuscript play, but denied that he had mentioned Earl Sheerwit's name.—When I informed him of the circumstances of the affair, he said he had no engagement with any author: that he would read my tragedy forthwith; and did not believe he should ven­ture to reject it in contradiction to his lordship's opinion, for which he had the utmost veneration, but put it into rehearsal without loss of time.—I was so much intoxicat­ed with this encouragement, that I overlooked the myste­rious conduct of Mr. Marmozet, and attended the mana­ger at the time appointed, when, to my infinite confusion, he pronounced my play improper for the stage, and re­jected it accordingly. As soon as I could recollect my­self from the disorder into which this unexpected refusal had thrown me, I expressed a desire of hearing his objec­tions, which were so groundless, indistinct, and unintel­ligible, that I persuaded myself he had not at all perused the piece, but had been prompted by somebody, whose lessons he had not rightly retained. However, I have been since informed, that the poor man's head, which was not naturally very clear, had been disordered with super­stition, [Page 208] and that he laboured under the tyranny of a wife, and the terrors of hell fire at the same time.—Precipitated in this manner from the highest pinnacle of hope to the abyss of despondence, I was ready to sink under the bur­den of my affliction; and, in the bitterness of my anguish, could not help entertaining some doubts of Mr. Marmo­zet's integrity, when I recollected and compared the cir­cumstances of his conduct towards me. I was encouraged in this suspicion by being told, that my Lord Sheerwit had spoke of his character with great contempt; and in particular resented his insolence in opposing his own taste to that of his lordship, concerning my tragedy.—While I hesitated between two different opinions of the matter, that friend, who, as I told you before, was a little hot­headed, favoured me with a visit, and having heard a cir­cumstantial account of the whole affair, could not contain his indignation, but affirmed without ceremony, that Marmozet was the sole occasion of my disappointment; that he had acted from first to last with the most perfidious dissimulation, cajoling me with insinuating civilities, while he under-hand employed all his art and influence to pre­judice the ignorant manager against my performance; that nothing could equal his hypocrisy, but his avarice, which engrossed the faculties of his soul so much, that he scru­pled not to be guilty of the meanest practices to gratify that sordid appetite; that, in consequence of this dispo­sition, he had prostituted his honour in betraying my in­experience, and in undermining the interest of another author of established reputation, who had also offered a tragedy to the stage, which he thought would interfere with the success of the comedy he had bought, and deter­mined to bring on at all events.

I was shocked at the description of such a monster, which I could not believe existed in the world, bad as it is, and argued against the asseverations of my friend▪ by demonstrating the bad policy of such behaviour, which could not fail of entailing infamy upon the author; and the small temptation that a man of Mr. Marmozet's figure and success could have to consult his interest in such a grovelling manner, which must create contempt and abhor­rence of him in his patrons, and effectually deprive him of the countenance and protection he now enjoys in such [Page 209] an eminent degree. He pretended to laugh at my simpli­city, and asked if I knew for which of his virtues he was so much caressed by the people of fashion.—"It is not," said he, ‘for the qualities of his heart, that this little parasite is invited to the tables of dukes and lords, who hire extraordinary cooks for his entertainment: his avarice they see not, his ingratitude they feel not, his hypocrisy accommodates itself to their humours, and is of consequence pleasing; but he is [...]hiefly courted for his buffoonery, and will be admitted into the choicest parties of quality for his talent of mimicking Punch and his wife Joan, when a poet, of the most exquisite genius, is not able to attract the least regard.’—God forbid, Mr. Random, that I should credit assertions that degrade the dignity of our superiors so much, and repre­sent that poor man as the most object of all beings! No! I looked upon them as the hyperboles of passion; and, though that comedy of which he spoke, did actually ap­pear, I dare not doubt the innocence of Mr. Marmozet, who, I am told, is as much as ever in favour with the earl; a circumstance surely that could not happen, unless he had vindicated his character to the satisfaction of his lordship.—Pray forgive this long digression, and give me the hearing a little longer; for, thank Heaven, I am now near the goal.

Baffled in all my attempts, I despaired of seeing my play acted, and bethought myself of chusing some employment that might afford me a sure, though mean subsistence; but my landlord, to whom I was by this time considerably indebted, and who had laid his account with having his money paid all in a heap from the profits of my third night, could not brook his disappointment; therefore, made another effort in my behalf, and by dint of interest procured a message from a lady of fashion to Mr. Brayer, who had always professed a great veneration for her, desiring that he would set up my play forthwith, and assuring him that she and all her friends would support it in the performance: to strengthen my interest, she engaged his best actors in my cause, and, in short, exerted herself so much, that it was again received, and my hopes began to revive. But Mr. Brayer, honest man, was so much engrossed by business of vast consequence, though to ap­pearance [Page 210] he had nothing at all to do, that he could not find time to read it till the season was pretty far advanced; and read it he must; for, notwithstanding his having pe­rused it before, his memory did not retain one circumstance of the matter.

At length he favoured it with his attention, and, having proposed certain alterations, sent his duty to the lady who patronised it, and promised on his honour to bring it on next winter, provided these alterations should be made, and the copy delivered to him be [...]ore the end of April. With an aching heart I submitted to these conditions, and performed them accordingly; but fortune owed me ano­ther unforeseen mortification; Mr. Marmozet, during the summer, became joint patentee with Mr. Brayer; so, that when I claimed performance of articles, I was told he could do nothing without the consent of his partner, who was pre-engaged to another author.

My condition was rendered desperate by the death of my good friend and landlord, whose executors obtained judgment against my effects, which they seized, turned me out into the streets naked, friendless, and forlorn; there I was arrested at the suit of my taylor, and thrown into prison, where I have made shift to live these five weeks on the bounty of my fellow prisoners, who, I hope, are not the worse of the instruction and good offices by which I manifest my gratitude: but, in spite of all their charitable endeavours, my life was scarce tolerable, until your un­common benevolence enabled me to enjoy it with comfort.

CHAP. XXVIII.

I SHALL not make any reflections on this story, in the course of which the reader must perceive how egregi­ously the simplicity and milky disposition of this worthy man had been doped and abused by a set of scoundrels, [Page 211] who were so habituated to falsehood and equivocation, that I verily believe they could not utter one syllable of truth, though their lives depended upon their sincerity. Notwithstanding all I had suffered from the knavery and selfishness of mankind, I was amazed and incensed at the base indifference, which suffered such uncommon merit as he possessed, to languish in obscurity, and struggle with all the miseries of a loathsome goal, and should have blessed the occasion that secluded me from such a perfidious world, had not the remembrance of the amiable Narcissa preserved my attachment to that society, of which she constituted a part. The picture of that lovely creature was the con­stant companion of my solitude; how often did I contem­plate the resemblance of those enchanting features that first captivated my heart! how often did I weep over those endearing scenes which her image recalled! and how often did I curse my perfidious fate, for having robbed me of the fair original! In vain did my imagination flatter me with schemes of future happiness; surly reason always inter­posed, and in a moment overthrew the unsubstantial fabric by chastising the extravagance of my hope, and represent­ing my unhappy situation in the right point of view: in vain did I fly for refuge to the amusements of the place, and engage in the parties of Jackson at cards, billiards, nine pins, and fives; a train of melancholy thoughts took possession of my soul, which even the conversation of Me­lopoyn could not divert. I ordered Strap to inquire every day at Banter's lodgings, in expectation of hearing again from my charmer, and my disappointment considerably augmented my chagrin. My affectionate valet was in­fected with my sorrow, and often sat with me whole hours without speaking, uttering sigh for sigh, and shedding tear for tear. This fellowship increased our distemper; he became incapable of business, and was discarded by his master; while I, seeing my money melt away, without any certainty of deliverance, and, in short, all my hopes frustrated, grew negligent of life, lost all appetite, and degenerated into such a sloven, that, during the space of two months, I was neither washed, shifted, nor shaved; so that my face, rendered meagre with abstinence, was obscured with dirt, and overshadowed with hair, and my whole appearance squalid, and even frightful, when one [Page 212] day Strap brought me notice, that there was a man below who wanted to speak with me. Roused at this intelli­gence, and in full hopes of receiving a letter from the dear object of my love, I ran down stairs with the utmost pre­cipitation, and found, to my infinite surprise, my generous uncle Mr. Bowling! Transported at the sight, I sprang forward to embrace him: upon which he started aside with great agility, drew his hanger, and put himself upon his guard, crying, ‘Avast, brother, avast! sheer off—Yo ho, you turnkey, why don't you keep a better look out? Here's one of your crazy prisoners broke from his lash­ings, I do suppose.’ I could not help laughing heartily at his mistake, which I soon rectified by my voice, that he instantly recollected, and shook me by the hand with great affection, testifying his concern at seeing me in such a miserable condition.

I conducted him to my apartment, where, in presence of Strap, whom I introduced to him as one of my best friends, he let me know, that he was just arrived from the coast of Guinea, after having made a pretty successful voyage, in which he had acted as mate, until the ship was attacked by a French privateer; that the captain being killed during the engagement, he had taken the command, and was so fortunate as to sink the enemy; after which he sell in with a merchant-ship from Martinico, laden with sugar, indigo, and some silver, and, by virtue of his let­ter of marque, attacked, took, and brought her safe into Kinsale in Ireland, where she was condemned as a lawful prize; by which means he had not only got a pretty sum of money, but also acquired the favour of his owners, who had already conferred upon him the command of a large ship, mounted with twenty nine-pounders, ready to sail upon a very advantageous voyage, which he was not at liberty to discover; and he assured me, that it was with the greatest difficulty he had found me, in consequence of a direction left for him at his lodgings in Wapping.

I was rejoiced beyond measure at this account of his good fortune, and, at his desire, recounted all the adven­tures that had happened to me since we parted. When he understood the particulars of Strap's attachment to me, he squeezed his hand very cordially, and promised to make a man of him; and, giving me ten guineas for my present [Page 213] occasion, took a direction for the taylor who arrested me, and went away in order to discharge the debt, telling me at parting, that he would soon fetch up all my lee-way with a wet sail.

I was utterly confounded at this sudden transition, which affected me more than any reverse I had formerly felt; and a crowd of incoherent ideas rushed so impetu­ously upon my imagination, that my reason could neither separate nor connect them—when Strap, whose joy had manifested itself in a thousand fooleries, came into my room with his shaving utensils, and, without any previous intimation, began to lather my beard, whistling with great emotion all the while. I started from my reverie, and, being too well acquainted with Strap to trust myself in his hands while he was under such agitation, desired to be excused, sent for another barber, and suffered myself to be trimmed. Having performed the ceremony of ablution, I shifted, and, dressing in my gayest apparel, waited for the return of my uncle, who was agreeably surprised at my sudden transformation.

This beneficent kinsman had satisfied my creditor, and obtained an order for my discharge; so that I was no longer a prisoner; but, as I had some reluctance to part with my friends and fellows in distress, I prevailed upon Mr. Bowling to favour us with his company, and invited Mr. Melopoyn and Jackson to spend the evening at my apartment, where I regaled them with a supper, good wine, and the news of my release, on which they heartily congratulated me, notwithstanding the loss of my compa­ny, which, they were pleased to say, they would severely feel. As for Jackson, his misfortune made so little im­pression on himself, and he was altogether so loose, indif­ferent, and indiscreet, that [...] scarce pity his situa­tion; but I had conceived a veneration and friendship for the poet, who was in all respects an object much more worthy of compasision and regard. When our guests with­drew, and my uncle had retired, with an intention to visit me next morning, I made up a bundle of some linen and other necessaries, and, bidding Strap carry them to Mr. Melo­poyn's lodging, went thither myself, and pressed it upon his acceptance, with five guineas, which with much diffi­culty he received, assuring me at the same time, that he [Page 214] should never have it in his power to make satisfaction. I then asked if I could serve him any other way? to which he answered, "You have already done too much;" and, unable to contain the emotions of his soul any longer, burst into tears, and wept aloud. Moved at the spectacle, I left him to his repose, and, when my uncle returned in the morning, represented his character in such a favourable light, that the honest seaman was affected with his distress, and determined to follow my example in presenting him with five pieces more: upon which, that I might save him some confusion, I advised Mr. Bowling to inclose it in a letter, to be delivered by Strap after we should be gone.

This was accordingly done, I took a formal leave of all my acquaintance in the jail, and just as I was about to step into a hackney-coach at the gate, Jackson calling me, I returned, and he asked me in a whisper, if I could lend him a shilling? His demand being so moderate, and in all likelihood the last he would make upon me, I slipped a guinea into his hand, which he no sooner perceived than he cried, "O Jesus! a guinea!" then, laying hold of a button of my coat, he broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter, and, when his convulsion was ended, told me I was an honest fellow, and let me go. The coachman was ordered to drive to Mr. Bowling's lodging, where, when we arrived, he entered into a serious discourse with me on the subject of my situation, and he proposed, that I should sail with him in quality of his surgeon, in which case he would put me in a method of getting a fortune in a few years by my own industry, and assured me, that I might expect to inherit all that he should die possessed of, provided I should survive him. Though I was penetrated with a sense of his gene [...], I was startled at a proposal that offered violence to my love, and signified my senti­ments on th [...]t head, which he did not seem to relish, but observed, that love was the fruit of idleness—that when once I should be employed in business, and my mind en­gaged in making money, I would be no more troubled with these silly notions, which none but your fair-weather Jacks, who have nothing but their pleasure to mind, ought to entertain. I was piqued at this insinuation, which I looked upon as a reproach, and, without giving [Page 215] myself time to deliberate, accepted his offer. He was overjoyed at my compliance, carried me immediately to his chief owner, with whom a bargain was struck, so that I could not retract with honour, had I been ever so much averse to the agreement. That I might not have time to cool, he bid me draw out a list of medicines, for a comple­ment of five hundred men, adapted to the distempers of hot climates, and sufficient for a voyage of eigh­teen months, and carry it to a certain wholesale apo­thecary, who would also provide me in two well-qualified mates. While I was thus employed, Strap came in, and looked very blank, when he understood my resolution; however, after a pause of some minutes, he insisted upon going along with me, and, at my desire, was made ship's steward by Captain Bowling, who promised to be at the expence of fitting him out, and to lend him two hundred pounds to purchase an adventure.

When I had delivered my list of medicines, chosen a couple of my own countrymen for mates, and bespoke a set of chirurgical instruments, my uncle told me, that by his last voyage he had cleared almost three thousand pounds, one thousand of which he would immediately make over, and put into my hands; that he would procure me credit to the value of as much more in such goods as would turn to best account in the country to which we were bound; and that, although he looked upon my in­terest as his own, he would keep the remaining part of his fortune in his own disposal, with a view of preserving his independence, and the power of punishing me, in case I should not make a good use of what he had already be­stowed upon me.

Without troubling the reader with an account of the effect which this surprising generosity had upon my mind, I shall only say, that his promises were instantly perform­ed, and an invoice of merchandise proper for the voyage presented to me, that I might purchase the goods, and ship them with all expedition. In the midst of this hurry the remembrance of my charming Narcissa often interpo­sed, and made me the most miserable of all mortals. I was distracted with the thought of being torn from her perhaps for ever; and, though the hope of seeing her again might have supported me under the torments of se­paration, [Page 216] I could not reflect upon the anguish she must feel at parting with me, and the incessant sorrows to which her tender bosom should be exposed during my ab­sence, without being pierced with the deepest affliction! As my imagination was daily and nightly upon the rack to invent some method of mitigating this cruel stroke, or at least of acquitting my love and honour in the opinion of that gentle creature, I at length stumbled upon an ex­pedient, with which the reader will be made acquainted in due time, and, in consequence of my determination, be­came less uneasy and disturbed.

My business being finished, and the ship ready to sail, I resolved to make my last appearance among my acquaint­ance at the other end of the town, where I had not been since my imprisonment; and as I had, by the advice of my uncle, taken off some very rich clothes for sale, I put on the gayest suit in my possession, and went in a chair to the coffee-house I used to frequent, where I found my friend Banter so confounded at the magnificence of my dress, that, when I made up to him, he gazed at me with a look of astonishment, without being able for some mi­nutes to open his lips—then pulling me aside by the sleeve, and fixing his eyes on mine, accosted me in this manner: ‘Random, where the devil have you been! eh?—What is the meaning of all this finery?—Oho! I understand you—you are just arrived from the country! What! the roads are good, eh?—Well, Random, you are a bold fellow, and a lucky fellow!—but take care; the pitcher goes often to the well, but is broke at last.’ So say­ing, he pointed to his collar, by which gesture, and the broken hints he had ejaculated, I found he suspected me of having robbed on the highway, and I laughed very heartily at his supposition. Without explaining myself any farther, I told him he was mistaken in his conjecture; that I had been for some time past with the relation of whom he had frequently heard me speak, and that as I should set out next day upon my travels, I had come thither to take my leave of my friends, and to receive of him the money he had borrowed from me, which, now that I was going abroad, I should have occasion for. He was a little disconcerted at this demand, but, recollecting himself in a moment, swore in an affected passion, that I had used [Page 217] him extremely ill, and he would never forgive me for having, by this short warning, put it out of his power to free himself of an obligation he could no longer bear. I could not help smiling at this pretended delicacy, which I commended highly, telling him he needed not be uneasy on that score; for I would give him a direction to a mer­chant in the city, with whom I would leave a discharge for the sum, to be delivered on payment. He professed much joy at this expedient, and with great eagerness asked the person's name and place of abode, which he forthwith wrote in his pocket-book, assuring me, that he should not be long in my debt. This affair, which I knew he would never after think of, being settled to his satisfaction, I sent cards to all my friends, desiring the favour of their company at a tavern in the evening, when they honoured my invitation, and I had the pleasure of treating them in a very elegant manner, at which they expressed as much admiration as applause. Having enjoyed ourselves till midnight, I took my leave of them all, being well nigh stifled with caresses; and next day I set out with Strap in a post-chaise for Gravesend, where we went on board, and, the wind serving, weighed anchor in less than twelve hours. Without meeting with any accident, we got as far as the Downs, where we were obliged to come to an anchor, and wait for an easterly wind to carry us out of the channel.

CHAP. XXIX.

IT was now I put in execution the scheme I had project­ed at London; and asking leave of the captain for Strap and me to stay on shore till the wind should become favourable, my request was granted, because he had or­ders [Page 218] to remain in the Downs until he should receive some dispatches from London, which he did not expect in less than a week. Having imparted my resolution to my trusty valet, who (though he endeavoured to dissuade me from such a rash undertaking) would not quit me in the enter­prise, I hired horses, and set out immediately for that part of Sussex where my charmer was confined, which was not above thirty miles distant from Deal, where we mounted. As I was perfectly well acquainted with the extent of the squire's estate and influence, I halted within five miles of his house, where we remained till the twilight, at which time we set forward, and, by the favour of a dark night, gained a copse about half a mile from the village where Mrs. Sagely lived. Here we left our horses tied to a tree, and went directly to the house of my old benefactress, Strap trembling all the way, and venting ejaculatory pe­titions to Heaven for our safety. Her habitation being quite solitary, we arrived at the door without being ob­served, when I ordered my companion to enter by himself, and, in case there should be company with her, deliver a letter which I had wrote for that purpose, and say that a friend of her's in London, understanding that he intended to travel this road, had committed it to his care. He rap­ped at the door, to which the good old woman coming, told him, that, being a lone woman, he must excuse her if she did not open it until he had declared his name and business. He answered, that his name was unknown to her, and that his business was to deliver a letter, which (to free her from al [...] manner of apprehension) he would convey to her through the space between the door and the threshold. This he instantly performed; and she no sooner read the contents, which specified my being present, than she cried, ‘If the person who wrote this letter be at hand, let him speak, that I may be assured by his voice whe­ther or not I may safely admit him.’ I forthwith ap­plied my mouth to the key-hole, and pronounced, ‘Dear mother, you need not be afraid; it is I, so much in­debted to your goodness, who now crave admittance.’ She knew my voice, and, opening the door immediately, received me with a truly maternal affection, manifesting, by the tears she let fall, her concern lest I should be dis­covered; for she had been informed of every thing that [Page 219] had happened between Narcissa and me from the dear cap­tive's own mouth. When I explained the motive of my journey, which was no other than a desire of seeing the object of my love before I should quit the kingdom, that I might in person convince her of the necessity I was under to leave her, reconcile her to that event by describing the advantages that in all probability would attend it, repeat my vows of eternal constancy, and enjoy the melancholy pleasure of a tender embrace at parting—I say, when I had thus signified my intention, Mrs. Sagely told me, that Narcissa, upon her return from Bath, had been so strictly watched, that nobody but one or two of the servants de­voted to her brother, were admitted to her presence; that afterwards she had been a little enlarged, and was permit­ted to see company, during which indulgence she had been several times at her cottage; but of late she had been be­trayed by one of the servants, who discovered to the squire, that he had once carried a letter from her to the post-house directed to me; upon which information she was now more confined than ever; and that I could have no chance of seeing her, unless I would run the risk of getting into the garden, where she and her maid were every day allowed to take the air, and lie hid until I should have an opportunity of speaking to them—an ad­venture which would be attended with such danger, that no man in his right wits would attempt it. This enter­prize, hazardous as it was, I resolved to perform, in spite of all the arguments of Mrs. Sagely, who reasoned, chid, and entreated by turns, and the tears and prayers of Strap, who conjured me on his knees to have more regard to myself, as well as to him, than to tempt my own de­struction in such a precipitate manner. I was deaf to every thing but the suggestions of my love, and ordered him to return immediately with the horses to the inn from whence we set out, and wait for my coming in that place: he at first peremptorily refused to leave me, until I per­suaded him, that, if our horses should remain where they were till day-light, they would certainly be discovered, and the whole country alarmed. On this consideration he took leave of me in a sorrowful plight, kissed my hand, and, weeping, cried, ‘God knows if ever I shall see you again.’ My kind landlady, finding me obstinate, gave [Page 220] me her best advice how to behave in the execution of my project, and, after having persuaded me to take a little refreshment, accommodated me with a [...], and left me to my repose. Early in the morning I got up, and, armed with a couple of loaded pistols and a hanger, went to the back of the squire's garden, climbed over the wall, and, according to Mrs. Sagely's direction, con [...]aled myself in a thicket hard by an alcove which terminated a walk at a good distance from the house, which (I was told) my mistress chiefly frequented. Here I remained from five o'clock in the morning to six in the evening, without see­ing a human creature; at last I perceived two women ap­proaching, whom by my throbbing heart I soon recogni­zed to be the adorable Narcissa and Miss Williams. I felt the strongest agitation of soul at the sight, and, guessing that they would repose themselves in the alcove, I stepped into it unperceived, and laid upon the stone-table a picture of myself in miniature, for which I had sat in London, purposing to leave it with Narcissa before I should go abroad. I exposed it in this manner as an introduction to my own appearance, which, without some previous inti­mation, I was afraid might have an unlucky effect upon the delicate nerves of my fair enslaver, and then withdrew into the thicket, where I could hear their discourse, and suit myself to the circumstances of the occasion. As they advanced, I observed an air of melancholy in the counte­nance of Narcissa, blended with such unspeakable sweet­ness, that I could scarce refrain from flying into her arms, and kissing away the pearly drop that stood collected in each bewitching eye. According to my expectation, she entered the alcove, and, perceiving something on the ta­ble, took it up. No sooner did she cast her eye upon the features than, startled at the resemblance, she cried, "Gracious God!" and the roses instantly vanished from her cheeks. Her confidante, alarmed at this exclamation, looked at the picture, and, struck with the likeness, ex­claimed, "O Jesus! the very features of Mr. Random! Narcissa having recollected herself a little, said, ‘What­ever angel brought it hither as a comfort to me in my affliction, I am thankful for the benefit, and will pre­serve it as the dearest object of my care.’ So saying, she kissed it with surprising ardour, shed a flood of tears, [Page 221] and then deposited the lifeless image in her lovely bosom. Transported at these symptoms of her unaltered affection, I was about to throw myself at her feet, wh [...]n Miss Wil­liams, whose reflection was less engaged than that of her mistress, observed, that the picture could not transport itself hither, and that she could not help thinking I was not far off. The gentle Narcissa, starting at this conjecture, answered, ‘Heaven forbid! for, although nothing in the universe could yield me satisfaction equal to that of his presence for one poor moment in a proper place, I would rather forfeit his company—almost for ever, than see him here, where his life would be exposed to so much danger.’ I could no longer restrain the [...] of my passion, but, breaking from my concealment [...] before her, when she uttered a fearful shriek, and [...] away in the arms of her companion. I flew toward [...] [...] treasure of my soul, clasped her in my embrace, and with the warmth of my kisses brought her again to life—O! that I were endowed with the expression of a Raphael, the graces of a Guido, the magic touches of a Titian, that I might represent the fond concern, the chastened rapture, and ingenuous blush, that mingled on her beauteous face, when she opened her eyes upon me, and pronounced, ‘O Heavens! is it you!▪’

I am afraid I have already encroached upon the rea­der's patience, with the particulars of this amour, on which, (I own,) I cannot help being impertinently cir­cumstantial. I shall therefore omit the less material pas­sages of this interview, during which I convinced her rea­son, though I could not appease the sad presages of her love, with regard to the long voyage and dangers I must undergo.—When we had spent an hour, (which was all she could spare from the barbarity of her brother's vigi­lance,) in lamenting over our hard fate, and in repeating our reciprocal vows, Miss Williams reminded us of the necessity there was for our immediate parting; and sure, lovers never parted with such sorrow and reluctance as we. But because my words are incapable of doing justice to that affecting circumstance, I am obliged to draw a veil over it, and observe, that I returned in the dark to the house of Mrs. Sagely, who was overjoyed to hear of my success, and opposed the tumults of my grief with such [Page 222] strength of reason, that my mind regained in some mea­sure its tranquility; and that very night, after having forced upon this good gentlewoman a purse of twenty guineas, as a token of my gratitude and esteem, I took leave of her, set out on foot for the inn, where my arrival freed honest Strap from the horrors of unutterable dread.

We took horse immediately, and alighted early next morning at Deal, where I found my uncle in great con­cern on account of my absence, because he had received his dispatches, and must have weighed with the first fair wind, whether I had been on board or not.—Next day a brisk easterly gale springing up, we set sail, and in eight and forty hours got clear of the channel.

When we were about 200 leagues from the Land's-end, the captain taking me apart into his cabin, told me, that, now he was permitted by his instructions, he would dis­close the intent and destination of our voyage: ‘The ship,’ said he, ‘which has been fitted out at a great expence, is bound for the coast of Guinea, where we shall exchange part of our cargo for slaves and gold dust; from thence we will transport our negroes to Buenos Ayres in New-Spain, where, (by virtue of passports obtained from our own court, and that of Ma­drid,) we will dispose of them and the goods that re­main on board for silver, by means of our supercargo, who is perfectly well acquainted with the coast, the lingo and inhabitants.’—Being thus let into the secret of our expedition, I borrowed of the supercargo a Spa­nish grammar, dictionary, and some other books of the same language, which I studied with such application, that before we arrived in New-Spain, I could maintain a conversation with him in that tongue.—Being arrived in the warm latitudes, I ordered, (with the captain's con­sent,) the whole ship's company to be blooded and pur­ged, myself undergoing the same evacuation, in order to prevent those dangerous fevers, to which northern consti­tutions are subject in hot climates; and I have reason to believe that this precaution was not unserviceable, for we lost but one sailor during our whole passage to the coast.

One day, when we had been about five weeks at sea, we descried to windward a large ship bearing down upon us with all the sail she could carry. Upon which my un­cle [Page 223] ordered the studding-sails to be hoisted, and the ship to be cleared for engaging; but finding, that (to use the seaman's phrase) we were very much wronged by the ship that had us in chase, and which by this time had hoisted French colours, he commanded the studding-sails to be taken in, the courses to be clewed up, the main top-sail to be backed, the tompions to be taken out of the guns, and every man to repair to his quarters. While every body was busied in the performance of these orders, Strap came upon the quarter-deck, trembling, and looking aghast, and, with a voice half suppressed by fear, asked if I thought we were a match for the vessel in pursuit of us. Observing his consternation, I said, ‘What? are you afraid, Strap? Afraid!’ he replied, ‘n-n-no, what should I be afraid of? I thank God I have a clear con­science;—but I believe it will be a bloody battle, and I wish you may not have occasion for another hand to assist you in the cock-pit.’—I immediately perceived his drift, and making the captain acquainted with his situation, desired he might be stationed below with me and my mates. My uncle, incensed at his pusillanimity, bid me send him down instantly, that his fear might not infect the ship's company: whereupon I told the poor steward, that I had begged him for an assistant, and de­sired him to go down, and help my mates to get ready the instruments and dressings.—Notwithstanding the satisfac­tion he must have felt at these tidings, he affected a shy­ness of quitting the upper-deck; and said, he hoped I did not imagine he was afraid to do his duty above board, for he believed himself as well prepared for death as any man in the ship, no disparagement to me or the captain.—I was disgusted at this affectation, and, in order to punish his hypocrisy, assured him he might take his choice either of going down to the cock-pit with me, or of staying upon deck during the engagement. Alarmed at this indiffer­ence, he replied, ‘Well, to oblige you, I'll go down, but remember it is more for your sake than my own.’ So saying, he disappeared in a twinkling, without wait­ing for an answer.—By this time we could observe two tier of guns in the ship which pursued us, and which was now but two short miles astern. This discovery had an evident effect upon the sailors, who did not scruple to say, [Page 224] that we should be torn to pieces, and blown out of the water, and that if in case any of them should lose their precious limbs, they must go a begging for life, for there was no provision made by the merchants for those poor souls who are maimed in their service. The captain un­derstanding this backwardness, ordered the crew abaft, and spoke to them thus: ‘My lads I am told you hang an a—se.—I have gone to sea thirty years, man and boy, and never saw English sailors afraid before.—Mayhap you think I want to expose you for the lucre of gain.—Whosoever thinks so, thinks a damned lie, for my whole cargo is insured; so that in case I should be taken, my loss will not be great.—The enemy is stronger than we, to be sure—What then? have we not a chance for carrying away one of her masts, and so get clear of her?—If we find her too hard for us, 'tis but striking at last.—If any man is hurt in the engage­ment, I promise, on the word of an honest seaman, to make him a recompence, according to his loss.—So now, you that are lazy, lubberly, cowardly dogs, get away, and sculk in the hold and bread-room; and you that are jolly boys, stand by me, and let us give one broad-side for the honour of old England.’ This elo­quent harangue was so well adapted to the disposition of his hearers, that one and all of them, pulling off their hats, waved them over their heads, and saluted him with three cheers: upon which he sent his boy for two large case bottles of brandy, and having treated every man with a dram, they repaired to their quarters, and waited im­patiently for the word of command.—I must do my uncle the justice to say, that in the whole of his disposition, he behaved with the utmost intrepidity, conduct, and deli­beration.—The enemy being very near, he ordered me to my station, and was just going to give the word for hoist­ing the colours, and firing, when the supposed French­man hauled down his white pennant, jack, and ensign, hoisted English ones, and fired a gun a head of us: this was a joyful event to Captain Bowling, who immediately shewed his colours, and fired a gun to leeward: upon which the other ship ran along-side of him, hailed him, and giving him to know, that she was an English man of war of forty guns, ordered him to hoist out his boat, and [Page 225] come on board.—This he performed with the more ala­crity, because, upon inquiry, he found that she was com­manded by an old mess-mate of his, who was overjoyed to see him, detained him to dinner, and sent his barge for the supercargo and me, who were very much caressed on his account.—As this commander was destined to cruize upon the French coast, in the latitude of Martinico, his stem and quarters were adorned with white fluers-de-lis, and the whole shell of the ship so much disguised, for a decoy to the enemy, that it was no wonder my uncle did not know her, although he had sailed on board of her many years—We kept company with her four days, during which time the captains were never asunder, and then parted, our course lying different from hers.

In less than a fortnight after, we made the land of Guinea, near the mouth of the river Gambia, and trad­ing along the coast as far to the southward of the Line as Angola and Bengula, in less than six months disposed of the greatest part of our cargo, and purchased four hun­dred negroes, my adventure having been laid out chiefly in gold dust.

Our complement being made up, we took our depar­ture from Cape Negro, and arrived in the Rio de la Pla­ta in six weeks, having met with nothing remarkable in our voyage, except an epidemic fever, not unlike the jail distemper, which broke out among our slaves, and carried off a good many of the ship's company; among whom I lost one of my mates, and poor Strap had well nigh given up the ghost.—Having produced our passport to the Spa­nish governor, we were received with great courtesy, sold our slaves in a very few days, and could have out off five times the number at our own price; being obliged to smuggle the rest of our merchandize, consisting of Euro­pean bale goods, which, however, we made shift to dis­pose of at a great advantage.

CHAP. XXX.

OUR ship being freed from the disagreeable lading of Negroes, to whom, indeed, I had been a miserable slave, since our leaving the coast of Guinea, I began to enjoy myself and breathe with pleasure the air of Para­guay; this part of which is reckoned the Montpelier of South America, and has obtained, on account of its cli­mate, the name of Buenos Ayres.—It was in this delici­ous place that I gave myself entirely up to the thoughts of my dear Narcissa, whose image still kept full possession of my breast, and whose charms, enhanced by absence, appeared to my imagination, if possible, more engaging than ever! I calculated the profits of my voyage, which even exceeded my expectation; resolved to purchase a handsome sinecure upon my arrival in England, and if I should find the squire as averse to me as ever, marry his sister by stealth; and, in case our family should increase, rely upon the generosity of my uncle, who was by this time worth a considerable sum.

While I amused myself with these agreeable projects, and the transporting hopes of enjoying Narcissa, we were very much caressed by the Spanish gentlemen, who fre­quently formed parties of pleasure for our entertainment, in which we made excursions a good way into the coun­try. Among those who signalized themselves by their civility to us, there was one Don Antonio de Ribera, a very polite young gentleman, with whom I had contract­ed an intimate friendship, who invited us one day to his country house, and, as a further inducement to our com­pliance, promised to procure for us the company of an English signor, who had been settled in those parts many years, and acquired the love and esteem of the whole pro­vince, by his affability, good sense, and honourable be­haviour.

We accepted his invitation, and set out for his Villa, [Page 227] where we had not been longer than an hour, when the person arrived, in whose favour I had been so much pre­possessed.—He was a tall man, remarkably well shaped, of a fine mien and appearance, commanding respect, and seemed to be turned of forty; the features of his face were saddened with a reserve and gravity, which in other countries would have been thought the effect of melancholy; but here, appeared to have been contracted by his commerce with the Spaniards, who are remarkable for that severity of countenance. Understanding from Don Antonio that we were his countrymen, he saluted us all round very com­plaisantly, and fixing his eyes attentively on me, uttered a deep sigh.—I had been struck with a profound venera­tion for him at his first coming into the room; and no sooner observed this expression of sorrow, directed, as it were, in a particular manner to me, than my heart took part in his grief; I sympathized involuntarily, and sigh­ed in my turn. Having asked leave of our entertainer, he accosted us in English, professed his satisfaction at seeing so many of his countrymen in such a remote place, and asked the captain, who went by the name of Signor Tho­ma, from what part of Britain he sailed, and whither he was bound.—My uncle told him that we had sailed from the river Thames, and were bound for the same place, by the way of Jamaica, where he intended to take in a lading of sugar.

Having satisfied himself in these and other particulars about the state of the war, he gave us to understand, that he had a longing desire to revisit his native country, in consequence of which he had already transmitted to Eu­rope the greatest part of his fortune in neutral bottoms, and would willingly embark the rest of it with himself in our ship, provided the captain had no objection to such a passenger.—My uncle very prudently replied, that for his part, he should be glad of his company, if he could pro­cure the consent of the governor, without which he durst not admit him on board, whatever inclination he had to oblige him.—The gentleman approved of his discretion, and telling him, that there would be no difficulty in ob­taining the connivance of the governor, who was his good friend, shifted the conversation to another subject.

I was overjoyed to hear his intention, and already in­terested [Page 228] myself so much in his favour, that had he been disappointed, I should have been very unhappy; in the course of our entertainment, he eyed me with an uncom­mon attachment; I felt a surprising attraction towards him; when he spoke, I listened with attention and reve­rence; the dignity of his deportment filled me with af­fection and awe; and, in short, the emotions of my soul, in the presence of this stranger, were strong and unac­countable.

Having spent the best part of the day with us, he took his leave, telling Captain Thoma, that he should hear from him in a short time. He was no sooner gone, than I asked a thousand questions about him of Don Antonio▪ who could give me no other satisfaction, than that his name was Don Rodrigo, that he had lived fifteen or six­teen years in these parts, was reputed rich, and supposed to have been unfortunate in his younger years, because he was observed to nourish a pensive melancholy, even from the time of his first settlement among them; but that no body had ventured to enquire into the cause of his sorrow, in consideration of his peace, which might suffer in the recapitulation of his misfortunes.

I was seized with an irresistible desire of knowing the particulars of his fate, and enjoyed not an hour of repose during the whole night, by reason of the eager concep­tions that inspired me, with regard to his story, which I resolved (if possible) to learn.—Next morning, while we were at breakfast, three mules, richly caparisoned, arrived, with a message from Don Rodrigo, desiring our com­pany and that of Don Antonio at his house, which was situated about ten miles further up the country.—I was pleased with this invitation, in consequence of which we mounted the mules which he had provided for us, and alighted at his house before noon.—Here we were splen­didly entertained by the generous stranger, who still seem­ed to shew a particular regard for me, and after dinner made me a present of a ring set with a beautiful amethyst, the production of that country, saying, at the same time, that he was once blessed with a son, who, had he lived, would have been nearly of my age. This observation, delivered with a profound sigh, made my heart throb with violence; a crowd of confused ideas rushed upon my ima­gination; [Page 229] which while I endeavoured to unravel, my un­cle perceived my absence of thought, and, tapping me on the shoulder, said, "Oons! are you asleep, Rory!" Be­fore I had time to reply, Don Rodrigo, with an un­common eagerness of voice and look, pronounced, ‘Pray, captain, what is the young gentleman's name?’—"His name," said my uncle, "is Roderick Random."—"Gracious powers!" cried the stranger, starting up,—"And his mother's?" "His mother," answered the captain, amazed, "was called Charlotte Bowling."—"O bounteous Heaven!" exclaimed Don Rodrigo, springing across the table, and clasping me in his arms, ‘my son! my son! have I found thee again? Do I hold thee in my embrace, after having lost and despaired of seeing thee so long?’ So saying, he sell upon my neck, and wept aloud with joy; while the power of nature operat­ing strongly in my breast, I was lost in rapture, and while he pressed me to his heart, let fall a shower of tears in his bosom. His utterance was choaked up a good while, by the agitation of his soul; at length he broke out into, ‘Mysterious Providence!—O my dear Charlotte! there yet remains a pledge of our love! and such a pledge—so found!—O infinite goodness! let me adore thy all­wise decrees!’ Having thus expressed himself, he kneeled upon the floor, li [...]ted up his eyes and hands to heaven, and remained some minutes in a silent extasy of devotion: I put myself in the same posture, adored the all-good Disposer in a prayer of mental thanksgiving; and, when his ejaculation was ended, did homage to my father, and craved his parental blessing. He hugged me again with unutterable fondness, and having implored the pro­tection of heaven upon my head, raised me from the ground, and presented me as his son to the company, who wept in concert over this affecting score.—Among the rest my uncle did not fail of discovering the goodness and joy of his heart: Albeit unused to the melting mood, he blubbered with great tenderness, and wringing my father's hand, he cried, ‘Brother Random, I am rejoiced to see you—God be praised for this happy meeting.’—Don Rodrigo, understanding that he was his brother-in-law, embraced him affectionately, saying, ‘Are you my Char­lotte's brother?—Alas! unhappy Charlotte! But why [Page 230] should I repine? we shall meet again, never more to part!—Brother, you are truly welcome—dear son, I am transported with unspeakable joy!—This day is a jubilee—my friends and servants shall share my satis­faction.’

While he dispatched messengers to the gentlemen in the neighbourhood, to announce this event, and gave orders for a grand entertainment, I was so much affected with the tumults of passion which assailed me on this great, sud­den, and unexpected occasion, that I fell sick, [...]evered, and, in less than three hours, became quite delirious; so that the preparations were countermanded, and the joy of the family converted into grief and despair.—Physicians were insantly called, I was plentifully blooded in the [...]oot, my lower extremities were bathed in a decoction of salu­tiferous herbs; in ten hours after I was taken ill, I en­joyed a critical sweat, and next day felt no remains of the distemper, but an agreeable lassitude, which did not hin­der me from getting up.—During the progress of this se­ver, which, from the term of its duration, is called Ephe­mera, my father never once quitted my bed side, but ad­ministered the prescriptions of the physicians, with the most pious care; while Captain Bowling manifested his concern by the like attendance.—I no sooner found my­self delivered from the disease, than I bethought myself of my honest friend Strap; and resolving to make him happy forthwith, in the knowledge of my good fortune, told my father; in general, that I had been infinitely ob­liged to this faithful adherent; and begged he would in­dulge me so far as to send for him, without letting him know my happiness, until he could receive an account of it from my own mouth.

My request was instantly complied with, and a messen­ger, with a spare mule, detached to the ship, carrying or­ders from the captain to the mate to send the steward by the bearer. My health being in the mean time re-establish­ed, and my mind composed, I began to relish this im­portant turn of my fortune, in reflecting upon the advan­tages with which it must be attended; and, as the idea of my lovely Narcissa always joined itself to every scene of happiness I could imagine, I entertained myself now with the prospect of possessing her in that distinguished sphere [Page 231] to which she was entitled by her birth and qualifications. Having often mentioned her name while I was deprived of my senses, my father guessed, that there was an intimate connection between us, and, discovering the picture which hung in my bosom by a ribbon, did not doubt that it was the resemblance of my amiable mistress: in this belief he was confirmed by my uncle, who told him it was the pic­ture of a young woman to whom I was under promise of marriage. Alarmed at this piece of information, Don Rodrigo took the first opportunity of questioning me about the circumstances of this affair, which, when I had candidly recounted, he approved of my passion, and pro­mised to contribute all in his power towards its success: though I never doubted his generosity, I was transported on this occasion, and, throwing myself at his feet, told him, he had now completed my happiness; for, without the possession of Narcissa, I should be miserable among all the pleasures of life. He raised me with a smile of pater­nal fondness, said, he knew what it was to be in love, and observed, that, if he had been as tenderly beloved by his father as I was by mine, he would not now perhaps have cause.—Here he was interrupted by a sigh, the tears stood collected in his eyes, he suppressed the dictates of his grief, and, the time being opportune, desired me to relate the passages of my life, which my uncle had told him were manifold and surprising. I recounted the most material circumstances of my fortune, to which he listened with wonder and attention, manifesting from time to time those different emotions which my different situations may be supposed to have raised in a parent's breast, and, when my detail was ended, blessed God for the adversity I had un­dergone, which, he said, enlarged the understanding, im­proved the heart, steeled the constitution, and qualified a young man for all the duties and enjoyments of life much better than any education which affluence could bestow.

When I had thus satisfied his curiosity, I discovered an inclination to hear the particulars of his story, which he gratified by beginning with his marriage, and proceeded to the day of his disappearing, as I have related in the first part of my memoirs. "Careless of life," continued he, ‘and unable to live in a place where every object re­called the memory of my dear Charlotte, whom I had▪ [Page 232] lost through the barbarity of an unnatural parent, I took my leave of you, my child, then an infant, with an heart full of unutterable woe, but little suspecting, that my father's unkindness would have descended to my innocent orphan; and, setting out alone at mid­night for the nearest sea-port, early next morning got on board a ship, bound (as I heard) for France, and, bargaining with the master for my passage, bid a long adieu to my native country, and put to sea with the first fair wind. The place of our destination was Gran­ville; but we had the misfortune to run upon a ridge of rocks near the island of Alderney, called the Caskets, where the sea running high, the ship went to pieces, the boat sunk along-side, and every soul on board pe­rished except myself, who by the assistance of a grating got ashore on the coast of Normandy: I went directly to Caen, where I was so lucky as to meet with a count whom I had formerly known in my travels: with this gentleman I set out for Paris, where I was recommend­ed, by him and other friends, as tutor to a young no­bleman, whom I accompanied to the court of Spain. There we remained a whole year, at the end of which, my pupil being recalled by his father, I quitted my office, and staid behind, by t [...]e advice of a certain Spanish grandee, who took me into his protection, and introduced me to a certain nobleman, who was after­wards created viceroy of Peru. He insisted on my at­tending him to his government in the Indi [...]s, where, however, by reason of my religion, it was not in his power to make my fortune any other way than by en­couraging me to trade, which I had not long prosecu­ted when my patron died, and I found myself in the midst of strangers, without one friend to support or protect me. Urged by this consideration, I sold my effects, and removed to this country, the governor of which, having been appointed by the viceroy, was my intimate acquaintance. Here has Heaven prospered my endeavours during a residence of sixteen years, in which my tranquillity was never invaded but by the remem­brance of your mother, whose death I have in secret mourned without ceasing, and the reflection of you, whose fate I could never learn, notwithstanding all my [Page 233] inquiries, by means of my friends in France, who, after the most strict examination, could give me no other ac­count than that you went abroad six years ago, and was never after heard of. I could not rest satisfied with this imperfect information, and, though the hope of finding you was but languid, resolved to go in quest of you in person; for which purpose I have remitted to Holland the value of twenty thousand pounds, and am in possession of fifteen thousand more, with which I in­tended to embark myself on board of Captain Bowling, before I discovered this amazing stroke of Providence, which you may be sure has not altered my intention.’

My father, having entertained us with this agreeable sketch of his life, withdrew in order to relieve Don Anto­nio, who in his absence had done the honours of his house; and I was just dressed for my appearance among the guests, when Strap arrived from the ship.

He no sooner entered the grand apartment in which I was, and saw the magnificence of my apparel, than his speech was lost in amazement, and he gaped in silence at the objects that surrounded him. I took him by the hand, observed that I had sent for him to be a witness and sharer of my happiness, and told him I had found a father. At these words he started, and, after having contin [...]ed some minutes with his mouth and eyes wide open, cried, ‘Aha!—odd, I know what!—Go thy ways, poor Narcissa, and go thy ways somebody else—Well—Lord, what a thing is love?—God help us, are all our mad pranks and protestations come to this? What! and you have fixed your habitation in this distant land! God prosper you—I find we must part at last; for I would not leave my poor carcase so far from my native home, for all the wealth of the universe!’ With these ejaculations he began to sob, and make wry faces; upon which I assured him of his mistake, both in regard to Narcissa and my staying at Paraguay, and informed him, as briefly as I could, of the great event which had hap­pened. Never was rapture more ludicrously expressed than in the behaviour of this worthy creature, who cried, laughed, whistled, sung, and danced, all in a breath; his transport was scarce over when my father entered, who no sooner understood that this was Strap than he took him [Page 234] by the hand, saying, ‘Is this the honest man who be­friended you so much in your distress? You are welcome to my house, and I shall soon put it in the power of my son to reward you for your good offices in his be­half; in the mean time go with us, and partake of the repast that is provided.’ Strap, wild as he was with joy, would by no means accept of the proffered honour, crying, ‘God forbid! I know my distance—your wor­ship shall excuse me:’ and Don Rodrigo, finding his modesty invincible, recommended him to his major­domo, to be treated with the utmost respect, while he car­ried me into a large saloon, where I was presented to a numerous company, who loaded me with compliments and caresses, and congratulated my father in terms not proper for me to repeat.

Without specifying the particulars of our entertain­ment, let it suffice to say, that it was at the same time elegant and sumptuous, and the rejoicing lasted two days: after which Don Rodrigo settled his affairs, converted his effects into silver and gold, visited and took leave of all his friends who were grieved at his departure, and ho­noured me with considerable presents; and, coming on board of my uncle's ship, with the first favourable wind we sailed from the Rio de la Plata, and in two months came safe to an anchor in the harbour of Kingston in the island of Jamaica.

CHAP. XXXI.

I INQUIRED, as soon as I got ashore, about my gene­rous companion Mr. Thomson, and hearing that he liv­ed in a flourishing condition upon the estate left to him by [Page 235] his wife's father, who had been dead some years, I took horse immediately, with the consent of Don Rodrigo, who had heard me mention him with great regard, and in a few hours reached the place of his habitation.

I should much wrong the delicacy of Mr. Thomson's sentiments to say barely, he was glad to see me: he felt all that the most sensible and disinterested friendship could feel on this occasion, introduced me to his wife, a very amiable young lady, who had already blessed him with two fine children; and, being as yet ignorant of my cir­cumstances, frankly offered me the assistance of his purse and interest. I thanked him for his generous intention, and made him acquainted with my situation, on which he congratulated me with great joy, and, after I had staid with him a whole day and night, accompanied me back to Kingston to wait upon my father, whom he invited to his house: Don Rodrigo complied with his request, and, having been handsomely entertained during the space of a week, returned extremely well satisfied with the be­haviour of my friend and his lady, to whom at parting, he presented a very valuable diamond ring as a token of his esteem. During the course of my conversation with Mr. Thomson, he let me know, that his and my old commander, Captain Oakhum, was dead some months, and that, im­mediately after his death, a discovery had been made of some valuable effects that he had feloniously secreted out of a prize by the assistance of Dr. Macshane, who was now actually in prison on that account, and, being desti­tute of friends, subsisted solely on the charity of my friend, whose bounty he had implored in the most abject manner, after having been the barbarous occasion of driving him to that terrible extremity on board the Thunder, which I have formerly related. Whatsoever this wretch might have been guilty of, I applauded Mr. Thomson's genero­sity towards him in his distress, which wrought so much upon me also, that I sent him ten pistoles, in such a private manner that he could never know his benefactor.

While my father and I were caressed among the gentle­men on shore, Captain Bowling had wrote to his owners by the packet, which sailed a few days after our arrival, signifying his prosperous voyage hitherto, and desiring them to insure his ship and cargo homeward bound; after [Page 236] which he applied himself so heartily to the loading his ship, that, with the assistance of Mr. Thomson, she was full in less than six weeks. This kind gentleman likewise procured for Don Rodrigo bills upon London for the greatest part of his gold and silver, by which means it was secured against the risk of the seas and the enemy; and, before we sailed, supplied us with s [...]ch large quantities of all kinds of stock, that not only we, but the whole ship's company, fared sumptuously during the voyage.

Every thing being ready, we took our leave of our kind entertainers, and going on board at Port Royal, set sail for England on the first of June.—We beat up to wind­ward, with fine easy weather; and one night believing ourselves near Cape Tiberoon, lay to, with an intention to wood and water next morning in the bay: while we remained in this situation, a sailor having drank more new rum than he could carry, staggered overboard, and, not­withstanding all the means that could be used to preserve him, went to the bottom, and disappeared. About two hours after this melancholy accident happened, as I en­joyed the cool air on the quarter-deck, I heard a voice rising, as it were, out of the sea, and calling, ‘Ho, the ship, a hoy!’ Upon which one of the men upon the forecastle cried, ‘I'll be d—d'd, if that an't Jack Mar­linspike, who went overboard!’ Not a little surprised at this event, I jumped into the boat that lay along-side, with the second mate and four men, and rowing towards the place, from whence the voice (which repeated the hail,) seemed to proceed, we perceived something floating upon the water; when we had rowed a little farther, we discerned it to be a man riding upon a hen-coop, who, see­ing us approach, pronounced with a hoarse voice, ‘D—n your bloods! why did you not answer when I hailed?’ Our mate, who was a veritable seaman, hearing this sa­lute, said, ‘By G—d, my lads, this is none of our man—This is the devil—pull away for the ship.’ The fel­lows obeyed his command without question, and were al­ready some fathoms on our return, when I insisted on their taking up the poor creature, and prevailed upon them to go back to the wreck, which, when we came near the se­cond time, and signified our intention, we received an an­swer of, "Avast, avast—what ship, brother?" Being sa­tisfied [Page 237] in this particular, he cried, ‘D—n the ship, I was in hopes it had been my own—where are you bound?’ We gratified his curiosity in this too; upon which he suffered himself to be taken on board, and after being comforted with a dram, told us, he belonged to the Vesuvio man of war, upon a cruize off the island of His­paniola; that he had fallen over-board about four and twenty hours ago, and the ship being under sail, they did not chuse to bring to, but tossed a hen-coop over-board for his convenience, upon which he was in good hopes of reaching the Cape next morning; howsomever, he was as well content to be aboard of us, because he did not doubt but that we should meet his ship; and if he had gone ashore on the bay, he might have been taken prisoner by the French.—My uncle and father were very much divert­ed with the account of this fellow's unconcerned beha­viour; and in two days meeting with the Vesuvio, as he expected, sent him on board of her according to his desire.

Having beat up successfully the windward passage, we stretched to the northward, and falling in with a westerly wind, in eight weeks arrived in soundings, and in two days after made the Lizard.—It is impossible to express the joy I felt at the sight of English ground! Don Rodrigo was not unmoved, and Strap shed tears of gladness.—The sailors profited by our satisfaction; the shoe that was nailed to the mast, being quite filled with our liberality.—My uncle resolved to run into the Downs at once; but the wind shifting when we were a-breast of the isle of Wight, he was obliged to turn into St. Helens, and come to an anchor at Spithead, to the great mortification of the crew, thirty of whom were immediately pressed on board of a man of war.

My father and I went ashore immediately at Portsmouth, leaving Strap with the captain to go round with the ship, and take care of our effects; and I discovered so much im­patience to see my charming Narcissa, that my father per­mitted me to ride across the country to her brother's house, while he should hire a post-chaise for London, where he should wait for me at a place to which I directed him.

Fired with all the eagerness of passion, I took post that very night, and in the morning reached an inn, about [Page 238] three miles from the squire's habitation. Here I remained till next evening, allaying the torture of my impatience with the rapturo [...]s hope of seeing that divine creature, af­ter an absence of eighteen months, which, so far from im­pairing, had raised my love to the most exalted pitch! Neither were my reflections free from apprehension, that sometimes intervened in spite of all my hope, and repre­sented her as having yielded to the importunity of her brother, and blessed the arms of an happy rival.—My thoughts were even maddened with the fear of her death; and when I arrived in the dark at the house of Mrs. Sagely, I had not for some time the courage to desire ad­mittance, lest my soul should be shocked with dismal tid­ings. At length, however, I knocked, and no sooner cer­tified the good gentlewoman of my voice, than she opened the door, and received me with a most affectionate embrace that brought tears into her aged eyes: ‘For Heaven's sake, dear mother,’ cried I, ‘tell me, how is Nar­cissa? Is she the same that I left her?’ She blessed my ears with saying, ‘She is as beautiful, in as good health, and as much yours as ever.’—Transported at this as­surance, I begged to know if I could not see her that very night; when this sage matron gave me to understand that my mistress was in London, and that things were strangely altered in the squire's house since my departure; that he had been married a whole year to Melinda, who at first found means to wean his attention so much from Narcissa, that he became quite careless of that lovely sister, com­forting himself with the clause of his father's will, by which she would forfeit her fortune, if she should marry without his consent;—that my mistress, being but indif­ferently treated by her sister-in-law, had made use of her freedom some months ago, and gone to town, where she was lodged with Miss Williams, in expectation of my ar­rival; and had been pestered with the addresses of Lord Quiverwit, who, finding her heart engaged, had fallen upon a great many shifts, to persuade her that I was dead; but finding all his artifices unsuccessful, and de­spairing of gaining her affection, he had consoled himself for her indifference, by marrying another lady some weeks ago, who had already le [...]t him on account of some family uneasiness.—Besides this interesting information, she told [Page 239] me, that there was not a great deal of harmony between Melinda and the squire, who was so much disgusted at the number of gallants who continued to hover about her, even after marriage, that he hurried her down into the country much against her inclination, where their mutual animosities had risen to such a height, that they preserved no decency before company or servants, but abused one another in the grossest terms.

This good old gentlewoman, to give me a convincing proof of my dear Narcissa's unalterable love, gratified me with a sight of the last letter she had favoured her with, in which I was mentioned with so much honour, tender­ness, and concern, that my soul was fired with impatience, and I determined to ride all night, that I might have it the sooner in my power to make her happy.—Mrs. Sagely perceiving my eagerness, and her maternal affec­tion being equally divided between Narcissa and me, begged leave to remind me of the sentiments with which I went abroad, that would not permit me, for any selfish gratification, to prejudice the fortune of that amiable young lady, who must entirely depend upon me, after ha­ving bestowed herself in marriage. I thanked her for her kind concern, and as briefly as possible described my flou­rishing situation, which afforded this humane person infi­nite wonder and satisfaction. I told her that now I had an opportunity to manifest my gratitude for the obligation I owed, I would endeavour to make her old age comfort­able and easy; as a step to which I proposed she should come and live with Narcissa and me—This venerable gen­tlewoman was so much affected with my words, that the tears ran down her ancient cheeks; she thanked Heaven that I had not belied the presages she had made, on her first acquaintance with me; acknowledging my generosi­ty, as she called it, in the most elegant and pathetic ex­pressions; but declined my proposal, on account of her attachment to the dear melancholy cottage, were she had so peaceably consumed her solitary widowhood. Find­ing her immoveable on this subject, I insisted on her ac­cepting a present of thirty guineas, and took my leave, resolving to accommodate her with that sum annually, for the more comfortable support of the infirmities of age.

Having rode all night, I found myself at Canterbury [Page 240] in the morning, where I alighted to procure fresh horses; and, as I walked into the inn, perceived an apothecary's shop on the other side of the street, with the name of Morgan over the door: alarmed at this discovery I could not help thinking that my old mess-mate had settled in this place; and upon inquiry, found my conjecture true, and that he was married lately to a widow of that city, by whom he had got three thousand pounds. Rejoiced at this intelligence, I went to his shop as soon as it was open, and found my friend behind the counter, busy in preparing a clyster.—I saluted him at entrance, with "Your servant, Mr. Morgan."—Upon which he looked at me, and replying, ‘Your most humble servant, goot Sir;’ rubbed his ingredients in the mortar, without any emotion. "What!" said I, ‘Morgan, have you forgot your old mess-mate?’ At these words, he look­ed up again, and starting, cried, ‘As Cot is my—sure it cannot—yes, by my salfation, I pelieve it is my tear friend Mr. Rantom.’—He was no sooner convinced of my identity, than he threw down the pestle, overset the mortar, and jumping over the board, swept up the con­tents with his clothes, flew about my neck, hugged me affectionately, and daubed me all over with turpentine and the yolks of eggs, [...] had been mixing when I came in.—Our mutual congratulations being over, he told me that he found himself a widower upon his return from the West-Indies; that he had got interest to be appoint­ed surgeon of a man of war, in which capacity he had served some years, until he married an apothecary's wi­dow, with whom he now enjoyed a pretty good sum of money, peace and quiet, and an indifferent good trade.—He was very desirous of hearing my adventures, which I assured him I had not time to relate, but told him in ge­neral, my circumstances were very good, and that I hoped to see him when I should not be in such a hurry as at pre­sent.—He insisted, however, on my staying breakfast, and introduced me to his wife, who seemed to be a decent sensible woman, pretty well stricken in years. In the course of our conversation he shewed the sleeve buttons I had exchanged with him at our parting in the West In­dies, and was not a little proud to see that I had preser­ved his with the same care. When I informed him of [Page 241] Macshane's condition, he seemed at first to exult over his distress; but after a little recollection, he said, ‘Well, he has paid for his malice, I forgife him, and may Cot forgife him likewise.’ He expressed great concern for the soul of Captain Oakhum, which he believed was now gnashing its teeth: but it was some time before I could convince him of Thomson's being alive, at whose good fortune nevertheless he was extremely glad.

Having renewed our protestations of friendship, I bid the honest Welshman and his spouse farewel, and, taking post-horses, arrived at London that same night, where I found my father in good health, to whom I imparted what I had learned of Narcissa. This indulgent parent approved of my intention of marrying her even without a fortune, provided her brother's consent could not be ob­tained, promised to make over to me, in a few days, a sufficiency to maintain her in a fashionable manner, and expressed a desire of seeing this amiable creature who had captivated me so much. As I had not slept the night be­fore, and was besides fatigued with my journey, I found myself under a necessity of taking some repose, and went to bed accordingly: next morning, about ten o'clock, I took a chair, and, according to Mr. Sagely's directions, went to my charmer's lodgings, and inquired for Miss Williams. I had not waited in a parlour longer than a minute, when this young woman entered, and no sooner perceived me than she shrieked, and ran backward; I got between her and the door, and, clasping her in my arms, brought her to herself by an embrace. "Good Heaven," cried she, ‘Mr. Random, is it you, indeed? my mistress will run distracted with joy.’ I told her, it was from an apprehension that my sudden appearance would have had some bad effect on my dear Narcissa, that I had desired to see her first, in order to concert some method of ac­quainting her mistress gradually with my arrival. She ap­proved of my conduct, and, after having yielded to the suggestions of her own friendship in asking if my voyage had been successful, charged herself with that office, and left me glowing with desire of seeing and embracing the object of my love. In a very little time I heard somebody coming down stairs in haste, and the voice of an angel pronounce with an eager tone, ‘O Heavens! is it possi­ble! [Page 242] where is he?’ How were my faculties aroused at this well-known sound! and how was my soul transported, when she broke in upon my view in all the bloom of ri­pened beauty!

You, whose souls are susceptible of the most delicate im­pressions, whose tender bosoms have felt the affecting vi­cissitudes of love, who have suffered an absence of eighteen long months from the dear object of your hope, and found, at your return, the melting fair as kind and con­stant as your heart could wish, do me justice on this occa­sion, and conceive what unutterable rapture possessed us both, while we flew into each other's arms! This was no time for speech—locked in a mutual embrace, we con­tinued some minutes in a silent trance of joy!—When I thus encircled all that my soul held dear—while I hung over her beauties, beheld her eyes sparkle, and every fea­ture flush with virtuous fondness—when I saw her enchant­ing bosom heave with undissembled rapture, and knew myself the happy cause—Heavens! what was my situa­tion!—I am tempted to commit my paper to the flames, and to renounce my pen for ever, because its most ardent and lucky expression so poorly describes the emotions of my soul. "O adorable Narcissa!" cried I; ‘O mira­cle of beauty, love, and truth! I at last fold thee in my arms! I at last can call thee mine!—No jealous brother shall thwart our happiness again; fortune hath at length recompensed me for all my sufferings, and enabled me to do justice to my love.’ The dear creature smiled ineffably charming, and, with a look of bewitching ten­derness, said, "And shall we never part again?"— ‘Ne­ver!’ I replied, ‘thou wondrous pattern of all earthly perfection! never, until death shall divide us!—By this ambrosial kiss, a thousand times more fragrant than the breeze that sweeps the orange grove, I never more will leave thee.’

As my first transport abated, my passion grew turbulent and unruly. I was giddy with standing on the brink of bliss, and all my virtue and philosophy were scarce suffi­cient to restrain the inordinate sallies of desire. Narcissa [Page 243] perceived the conflict within me, and with her usual dig­nity of prudence called off my imagination from the ob­ject in view, and, with eager expressions of interested cu­riosity, desired to know the particulars of my voyage. In this I gratified her inclination, bringing my story down to the present hour. She was infinitely surprised at the circumstance of my finding my father, which brought tears into her lovely eyes. She was transported at hearing that he approved my flame, discovered a longing desire of being introduced to him, congratulated herself and me upon my good fortune, and observed, that this great and unexpected stroke of fate seemed to have been brought about by the immediate direction of Providence. Having entertained ourselves some hours with the genuine effusions of our souls, I obtained her consent to complete my hap­piness as soon as my father should judge it proper; and applying with my own hands a valuable necklace, com­posed of diamonds and amethysts set alternately, which an old Spanish lady at Paraguay presented me with, I took my leave, promising to return in the afternoon with Don Rodrigo. When I went home, this generous parent inquired very affectionately about the health of my dear Narcissa, to whom, that I might be the more agreeable, he put into my hands a deed, by which I found myself in possession of fifteen thousand pounds, exclusive of the pro­fits of my own merchandise, which amounted to three thousand more. After dinner I accompanied him to the lodging of my mistress, who, being dressed for the occa­sion, made a most dazzling appearance. I could perceive him struck with her figure, which I really think was the most beautiful that ever was created under the fun. He embraced her tenderly, and told her, he was proud of having a son who had spirit to attempt, and qualifications to engage the affections of such a fine lady. She blushed at this compliment, and, with eyes full of the softest lan­guishment, turned upon me, and said, she would have been unworthy of Mr. Random's attention, had she been blind to his extraordinary merit. I made no other answer than a low bow. My father, sighing, pronounced, ‘Such once was my Charlotte!’ while the tear rushed into his eye, and the tender heart of Narcissa manifested itself in two precious drops of sympathy, which, but for his pre­sence, [Page 244] I would have kissed away. Without repeating the particulars of our conversation, I shall only observe, that Don Rodrigo was as much charmed with her good sense as with her appearance; and she was no less pleased with his understanding and polite address. It was determined, that he should write to the squire, signifying his appro­bation of my passion for his sister, and offering a settle­ment which he should have no reason to reject, and that, if he should refuse the proposal, he should crown our mu­tual wishes without any farther regard.

CHAP. XXXII.

AFTER having spent the evening to the satisfaction of all present, my father addressed himself thus to Nar­cissa: ‘Madam, give me leave to consider you hereafter as my daughter, in which capacity I insist upon your accepting this first instance of my paternal duty and affection.’ With these words, he put into her hand a bank-note for 500 l. which she no sooner examined than, with a low curtsey, she replied, ‘Dear Sir, though I have not the least occasion for this supply, I have too great a veneration for you to refuse this proof of your generosity and esteem, which I the more freely receive, because I already look upon Mr. Random's interest as inseparably connected with mine.’ He was extremely well pleased at her frank and ingenuous reply: upon which we saluted, and wished her good night. The letter, at my request, was dispatched to Sussex by an express, and in the mean time Don Rodrigo, to grace my nuptials, hired a ready-furnished house, and set up a very hand­some equipage.

Though I passed the greater part of the day with the darling of my soul, I found leisure sometimes to be among my former acquaintance, who were astonished at the mag­nificence [Page 248] of my appearance: Banter in particular was confounded at the strange vicissitudes of my fortune, the causes of which he endeavoured in vain to discover, until I thought fit to disclose the whole secret of my last voyage, partly on consideration of our former intimacy, and partly to prevent unfavourable conjectures which he and others, in all probability, would have made in regard to my circumstances. He professed great satisfaction at this piece of news, and I had no cause to believe him in­sincere, when I considered, that he would now look upon himself as acquitted of the debt he owed me, and at the same time flatter himself with hopes of borrowing more.—I carried him home to dinner with me, and my father liked his conversation so much, that upon hearing his dif­ficulties, he desired me to accommodate him for the pre­sent, and inquire if he would accept of a commission in the army, towards the purchase of which he would wil­lingly lend him money. Accordingly, I gave my friend an opportunity of being alone with me, when, as I ex­pected, he told me, that he was just upon the point of be­ing reconciled to an old rich uncle, whose heir he was, but wanted a few pieces for immediate expence, which he desired I would lend him, and take his bond for the whole. His demand was limited to ten guineas; and when I put twenty into his hands, he stared at me for some moments, then putting it into his purse, said, ‘Ay, 'tis all one, you'll have the whole in a very short time.’ When I had taken his note, to save the expence of a bond, I ex­pressed some surprise, that a fellow of his spirit should loi­ter away his time in idleness, and asked why he did not chuse to make his fortune in the army.—"What!" said he, ‘throw away money upon a subaltern's commission, to be under the command of a parcel of scoundrels, who have raised themselves above me by the most infa­mous practices! no, I love independency too well to sacrifice my life, health and pleasure to such a pitiful consideration.’—Finding him averse to this way of life, I changed the subject, and returned to Don Rodrigo, who had just received the following epistle from the squire.

My father was not much surprised at this polite letter, after having heard the character of the author: and as for me, I was even pleased at his refusal, because I now had an opportunity of shewing my disinterested love. By his permission I waited upon my charmer, and having imparted to her the contents of her brother's letter, at which she wept bitterly, in spite of all my consolation and caresses, the time of our marriage was fixed at the distance of two days.—During this interval in which my soul was wound up to the last stretch of rapturous expectation, Narcissa en­deavoured to reconcile some of her relations in town to her marriage with me; but finding them all deaf to her re­monstrances, either out of envy or prejudice, she told me with the most enchanting sweetness, while the tears be­dewed her lovely cheeks, ‘Sure the world will no longer question your generosity, when you take a poor forlorn beggar to your arms.’ Affected with her sorrow, I pressed the fair mourner to my breast, and swore that she was more dear and welcome on that account, because she had sacrificed her friends and fortune to her love for me.—My uncle, for whose character she had a great venera­tion, being by this time come to town, I introduced him to my bride: and although he was not very much subject to refined sensations, he was struck dumb with admiration at her beauty. After having kissed and gazed at her for some time, he turned to me, saying, ‘Odds bobs, Ro­ry! here's a notable prize indeed, finely built and glo­riously [Page 247] rigged, i'faith! If she an't well manned, when you have the command of her, sirrah, you deserve to go to sea in cockle-shell.—No offence, I hope, niece; you must not mind what I say, being (as the saying is) a plain sea-saring man, thof, mayhap, I have as much regard for you as another.’—She received him with great civility; told him, she had longed a great while to see a person to whom she was so much indebted for his generosity to Mr. Random; that she looked upon him as her uncle, by which name she begged leave to call him for the future, and that she was very sure he could say nothing that could give her the least offence. The honest captain was transported at her courteous behaviour, and insisted upon giving her away at the ceremony, swear­ing that he loved her as well as if she was his own child, and that he would give two thousand guineas to the first fruit of our love, as soon as it could squeak.—Every thing being prepared for the solemnization of our nuptials, which were to be performed privately at my father's house, the auspicious hour arrived, when Don Rodrigo and my uncle went in the coach to fetch the bride and Miss Wil­liams; leaving me with a parson, Banter, and Strap, nei­ther of whom had as yet seen my charming mistress.—My faithful valet, who was on the rack of impatience to be­hold a lady of whom he had heard so much, no sooner understood that the coach was returned, than he placed himself at a window to have a peep at her as she alighted; and when he saw her, he clapped his hands together, turn­ed up the white of his eyes, and with his mouth wide open, remained in a sort of extasy, which broke out into, ‘O Dea certe!—qualis in Eurotoe ripis, aut per juga Cyn­thi exercet Diana chorus!’—The doctor and Banter were surprised to hear my man speak Latin; but when my father led Narcissa into the room, the object of their ad­miration was soon changed, as appeared in the counte­nance of both.—Indeed they must have been the most in­sensible of all beings, could they have beheld, without emotion, the divine creature that approached! She was dressed in a sack of white sattin, embroidered on the breast with gold; the crown of her head was covered with a small French cap, from whence descended her beautiful hair in ringlets, that waved upon her snowy neck, which [Page 248] dignified the necklace I had given her; her looks glowed with modesty and love; and her bosom, through the veil of gauze that shaded it, afforded a prospect of Elysium!—I received this inestimable gift of Providence as became me; and in a little time the clergyman did his office, my uncle, at his own earnest request, acting the part of a fa­ther to my dear Narcissa, who trembled very much, and had scarce spirits sufficient to support her under this great change of situation.—Soon as she was mine by the laws of heaven and earth, I printed a burning kiss upon her lips, my father embraced her tenderly, my uncle hugged her with great affection, and I presented her to my friend Ba [...]ter, who saluted her in a very polite manner; Miss Williams hung round her neck, and wept plentifully; while Strap fell upon his knees, and begged to kiss his lady's hand, which she presented with great affability.—I shall not pretend to describe my own feelings at this juncture; let it suffice to say, that after having supped and entertained ourselves till ten o'clock, I cautioned my Narcissa against exposing her health by sitting up too late, and she was prevailed upon to withdraw with her maid to an apartment destined for us. When she left the room, her face was overspread with a blush that set all my blood in a state of fermentation, and made every pulse beat with tenfold vigour! She was so cruel as to let me remain in this condition a full half hour; when, no longer able to restrain my impatience, I broke from the company, burst into her chamber, pushed out her confidante, locked the door, and found her—O heaven and earth! a feast, a thousand times more delicious than my most sanguine hope presaged!—But let me not profane the chaste mysteries of Hymen—I was the happiest of men.

In the morning I was awaked by three or four drums, which Banter had placed under the window; upon which I withdrew the curtain, and enjoyed the unspeakable sa­tisfaction of contemplating those angelic charms which were now in my possession! Beauty! which, whether sleep­ing or awake, shot forth peculiar graces!—The light dart­ing upon my Narcissa's eyes, she awoke also, and, recol­lecting her situation, hid her blushes in my bosom. I was distracted with joy! I could not believe the evidence of my senses, and looked upon all that had happened as the [Page 249] fictions of a dream! In the mean time my uncle knocked at the door, and bid me turn out; for I had had a long spell. I got up accordingly, and sent Miss Williams to her mistress, myself receiving the congratulations of Cap­tain Bowling, who rallied me in his sea phrase with great success. In less than an hour Don Rodrigo led my wife in to breakfast, where she received the compliments of the company on her looks, which they said, if possible, were improved by matrimony. As her delicate ears were of­fended with none of those indecent ambiguities, which are too often spoke on such occasions, she behaved with dig­nity, unaffected modesty, and ease; and, as a testimony of my affection and esteem, I presented her, in presence of them all, with a deed, by which I settled the whole fortune I was possessed of on her and her heirs for ever. She accepted it with a glance of the most tender acknowledg­ment, observed, that she could not be surprised at any thing of this kind I should do, and desired my father to take the trouble of keeping it, saying, ‘Next to my own, Mr. Random, you are the person in whom I ought to have the greatest confidence.’ Charmed with her prudent and ingenuous manner of proceeding, he took the paper, and assured her, that it should not lose its value while in his custody.

As we had not many visits to give and receive, the lit­tle [...] we staid in town was spent in going to public di­versions, where, I have the vanity to think, Narcissa sel­dom was eclipsed. One night, in particular, we had sent our footman to keep one of the stage-boxes, which we no sooner entered, than we perceived in the opposite box the squire and his lady, who seemed not a little surprised at seeing us. I was pleased at this opportunity of confront­ing them, the more, because Melinda was robbed of all her admirers by my wife, who happened that night to outshine her sister both in beauty and in dress. She was piqued at Narcissa's victory, tossed her head a thousand different ways, flirted her fan, looked at us with disdain, then whispered to her husband, and broke out into an af­fected giggle; but all her arts proved ineffectual either to discompose Mrs. Random, or to conceal her own mor­tification, which at length forced her away long before the play was done. The news of our marriage being [Page 250] spread, with many circumstances to our disadvantage, by the industry of this malignant creature, a certain set of persons, fond of scandal, began to inquire into the par­ticulars of my fortune, which they no sooner understood to be independent, than the tables were turned, and our ac­quaintance was courted as much as it had been despised be­fore: but Narcissa had too much dignity of pride to encou­rage this change of conduct, especially in her relations, whom she could never be prevailed upon to see after the malicious reports they had raised to her prejudice.

CHAP. XXXIII.

MY father intending to revisit his native country, and pay the tribute of a few tears at my mother's grave, Narcissa and I resolved to accompany him in the execution of this pious office, and accordingly prepared for the journey; in which, however, my uncle would not engage, being resolved to try his fortune once more at sea. In the mean time he renewed his will in favour of my wife and me, and deposited it in the hands of his brother-in-law; while I (that I might not be wanting to my own interest) summoned the squire to produce his father's will at Doctor's Commons, and employed a proctor to manage the affair in my absence.

Every thing being thus settled, we took leave of all our friends in London, and set out for Scotland, Don Rodrigo, Narcissa, Miss Williams, and I in the coach, and Strap, with two men in livery, on horseback: as we made easy stages, my charmer held it out very well till we arrived at Edinburgh, where we proposed to rest ourselves [Page 251] some weeks. People of our figure could not fail of attract­ing the notice of such a small place, where, as soon as our family was known, we were loaded with caresses, and Narcissa was so much pleased with the civilities she receiv­ed, that she protested she would never desire to live in any other part of the world.

Here Don Rodrigo having intelligence that his ne­phew the fox-hunter had spent his estate, which was to be exposed to sale by public auction, he determined to make a purchase of the spot where he was born, and actually bought the whole of his father's lands.

In a few days after the bargain was made, we left Edinburgh, in order to go and take possession; and, by the way, halted one night in the town where I was edu­cated.—Upon inquiry, I found that Mr. Crab was dead; whereupon I sent for his executor, paid the sum I owed, with interest, and took up my bond. Mr. Potion and his wife, hearing of our arrival, had the assurance to come to the inn where we lodged, and sent up their names, with a desire of being permitted to pay their respects to my fa­ther and me: but their sordid behaviour towards me, when I was an orphan, had made too deep an impression on my mind to be effaced by this mean mercenary piece of condescension: I therefore rejected their message with disdain, and bid Strap tell them, that my father and I desired to have no communication with such low-minded wretches as they were.

They had not been gone half an hour, when a woman, without any ceremony, opened the door of the room where we sat, and making towards my father, accosted him with, "Uncle, your servant—I am glad to see you."—This was no other than one of my female cousins mentioned in the first part of my memoirs, to whom Don Rodrigo replied, "Pray, who are you, Madam?"—"Oh!" cried she, ‘my cousin Rory, there, knows me very well—Don't you remember me, Rory?’—"Yes, Madam," said I, ‘for my own part, I shall never forget you.—Sir, this is one of the young ladies, who (as I have formerly told you) treated me so humanely in my childhood!’ When I pronounced these words, my father's resentment glowed in his visage, and he ordered her to begone, with such a commanding aspect, that she retired in a fright, [Page 252] muttering curses as she went down stair: we afterwards learned that she was married to an ensign, who had alrea­dy spent all her fortune; and that her sister had bore a child to her mother's footman, who is now her husband, and keeps a petty ale-house in the country.

The fame of our flourishing condition having arrived at this place before us, we got notice that the magistrates intended next day to compliment us with the freedom of their town; upon which my father, considering their complaisance in the right point of view, ordered the hor­ses to the coach early in the morning, when we proceed­ed to our estate, which lay about a dozen miles from this place.

When we came within half a league of the house, we were met by a prodigious number of poor tenants, men, women, and children, who testified their joy by loud ac­clamations, and accompanied our coach to the gate. As there is no part of the world in which the peasants are more attached to their lords than in Scotland, we were almost devoured by their affection, in getting out of the coach: my father had always been their favourite, and now that he appeared their master, after being thought dead so long, their joy broke out into a thousand extra­vagances: when we got into the court-yard, we were sur­rounded by a vast number, who crowded together so close­ly to see us, that several were in danger of being squeez­ed to death; those who were near Don Rodrigo fell upon their knees, and kissed his hand, or the hem of his garment, praying aloud for long life and prosperity to him; others approached Narcissa and me in the same manner; while the rest clapped their hands at a distance, and invoked Heaven to shower its choicest blessings on our heads!—In short, the whole scene, though rude, was so affecting, that the gentle partner of my heart wept over it, and my father himself could not refrain from dropping a tear.

Having welcomed his daughter and me to his house, he ordered some bullocks to be killed, and some hogsheads of ale to be brought from the neighbouring village, to regale those honest people, who had not enjoyed such a holiday for many years before.

Next day we were visited by the gentlemen in the [Page 254] neighbourhood, most of them our relations, one of whom brought along with him my cousin the fox-hunter, who had staid at his house since he was obliged to leave his own. My father was generous enough to receive him kindly, and even promised to purchase for him a commis­sion in the army, at which he expressed great thankfulness and joy.

My charming Narcissa was universally admired and loved for her beauty, affability and good sense▪ and so well pleased with the situation of the place, and the com­pany around, that she has not yet discovered the least de­sire of changing her habitation.

We had not been many days settled, when I prevailed upon my father to pay a visit to the village where I had been at school. Here we were received by the principal inhabitants, who entertained us in the church, where Mr. Syntax the schoolmaster (my tyrant being dead) pro­nounced a Latin speech in honour of our family: and none exerted themselves more than Strap's father and re­lations, who looked upon the honest valet as the first gen­tleman of their race, and honoured his benefactors ac­cordingly.—Having received the homage of this place, we retired, leaving forty pounds for the benefit of the poor of the parish; and that very night Strap being a little elevated with the regard that had been shewn to him, and to me on his account, ventured to tell me that he had a sneaking kindness for Miss Williams, and that if his lady and I would use our interest in his behalf, he did not doubt that she would listen to his addresses. Surprised at this proposal, I asked if he knew the story of that unfor­tunate young gentlewoman: upon which he replied, ‘Yes, yes, I know what you mean—she has been unhappy, I grant you—but what of that? I am convinced of her reformation; or else you and my good lady would not treat her with such respect.—As for the censure of the world, I value it not a fig's end: besides, the world knows nothing of the matter.’ I commended his phi­losophy, and interested Narcissa in his cause; who inter­ceded so effectually, that in a little time Miss Williams yielded her consent, and they were married, with the ap­probation of Don Rodrigo, who gave him five hundred pounds to stock a farm, and made him overseer of his [Page 255] estate. My generous bed-fellow gave her maid the same sum; so that they live in great peace and plenty, within half a mile of us, and daily put up prayers for our pre­servation.

If there be such a thing as true happiness on earth, I enjoy it.—The impetuous transports of my passion are now settled, and mellowed into endearing fondness and tranquillity of love, rooted by that intimate connection and interchange of hearts, which [...]ought but virtuous wedlock can produce. Fortune seems determined to make ample amends for her former cruelty; for my proctor writes, that notwithstanding the clause in my father-in-law's will, on which the squire founds his claim, I shall certainly recover my wife's fortune, in consequence of a codicil annexed, which explains that clause, and limits her restriction to the age of nineteen, after which she was at her own disposal.—I would have set out for London immediately after receiving this piece of intelligence; but my dear angel has been qualmish of late, and begins to grow remarkably round in the waist; so that I cannot leave her in such an interesting situation, which I hope will produce something to crown my felicity.