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SELF-IMPLOYMENT IN SECRET: CONTAINING

I. Evidences upon Self-Examination.

II. Thoughts upon Painfull Afflictions.

III. Memorials for Practice.

Left under the Hand-Writing of that Learned and Reverend Divine, Mr. JOHN CORBET, Late of CHICHESTER.

The Third Edition, carefully Corrected.

BOSTON IN NEW-ENGLAND Printed by Richard Pierce for Joseph Brunning, And are to be sold at his Shop at the Corner of Prison-Lane next the Exchange 1684.

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To the Reader

THE Self-Examinations, Meditations, and Holy Directions emitted herewith, have been Printed elsswhere. Sundry pi­ously Affected Persons in this place, who have thought it there Concern to improve some part of the outward Estate which God hath Blessed them with, in promoting the Pub­lication of Books, the Reading whereof may [...]nd to the Good of souls, happ'ning to meet therewith, desired that the same things might be reprinted here also: and having Importuned [...]e in a few Proefatory lines to Recommend what is here to be seen unto the Readers serious Per­usal, I could not but readily embrace such [...] Motion, and Encourage such an Undertak­ing.

Concerning the Author, Some of those books published by himself in his Life-Time, shew him to be a man of Parts and Learning; And what is here brought into publique view, [Page] from the papers found in his Study after his Death, manifest that he was a very Holy man and one that did walk before God with a Perfect heart. Knowledge and Grace are sel­dom found in an eminent degree in the same man, But if they do (as sometimes they do) meet together; they render the Person in whom they are exceeding Lovely and Desirable. And tho men should attain unto never such Eminen­cy in Speculative and Rational knowledge, if they are unacquainted with Religion in the Power of it, or remain wholly ignorant of themselves, and of their own Spiritual and Eternal Estate God-ward; all other Sciences will at last aggravate the Condemnation of those who have arrived to the greatest perfection in them. I have often thought on that excellent Saying of one of the Auncients, Multo melior et laudabilior es si te Cognoscis, quam si te neglecto cognosceres Cursum syderum, Vires bobarum, Com­plectiones Hominum, Naturas animalium, et habe­res omnium Coelestium et Terrestrium scientiam. Bern. He that knoweth Christ and himself is a happy man, tho he should know nothing else; And tho a man should know all other things if he knoweth not Christ and himself, he will ne­ver be happy. We see therefore that the most Learned men in the world when they come to dye, wish that they had spent more time in Devotion and in the practical part of Religion. [Page] Salmasins had spent many years in Readings and hard Study, and yet as he was going out of the world, complained bitterly that he had lost a world of Time, and that if he might live another year it should be spent in reading the Scriptures saying All the Learning in the world without true Piety and the Fear of God, is nothing worth. There was in Holland a poor man of exemplary holyness who used thus to divide and spend his time dayly, Eight hours he al­lowed himself for Sleep and repose, eight hours he spent in Labour, attending his particular Calling, the other eight hours he spent in reli­gious excercises, such as Prayer, Meditation, Reading the Scriputures &c. Grotius who is est­eemed as Learned a man as any the last Age did afford, and who was in other respects a great man, professed that he would give all his Learn­ing and Honours for the Piety of that poor de­vout soul, who made Religion his main Busi­ness. The same Grotius said of himself, Vitam perdidi operose nihil agendo, having too much neglected the practical part of Godliness, he had taken a great deal of pains for that which at last he saw was nothing worth. Another, (being a man of admirable parts both natural and acquired,) upon his Death-bed had these words I repent of all my Life but that part of it which I spent in Comunion with God and in doing Good.

[Page] Some whose Devotions have bin only Formal have found such soul-contentment therein, as that they have preferred such a life to the greatest Earthly Glories; yea, have valued it above Crowns and Kingdoms. But what bles­sed and glorious Consolations may they hope for who Excercise themselves unto Godliness in the power of it. Tho some such have their dark hours for the present, yet commonly when they are upon death-beds their souls are filled with Comfort, having this rejoycing, the Testimony of their Consciences, that in simplicity and Godly Sincerity they have had their Conversa­tion in the world. However they that have sowen in tears shall hereafter reap in joy. We should consider the end of the conversation of the Lords faithful servants, especially such as have taught the Word of God, and follow their Faith and Holiness. It is a great loss to the world when men of singular Piety are ta­ken out of it: Yet sometimes the Lord Jesus does by the death of his dearest Servants Cause the Interest of his own holy Kingdom to be promoved in the hearts of those that survive. Timothy indeed; who was intimate with Paul knew his manner of life more than others did; But there are Eminent Saints who have meet with that of God in Secret which none living know of but the Lord and they; only after they [Page] are dead others come to be aquainted with their secret walkings before the Lord, and thereby many a soul has bin Edified by that which was designed only for a private help. So it has happened with respect to what is here presented. If the Republication of it among ourselves shall any way Conduce to the Pro­moting of Holiness in the Hearts and Lives of men, they that have had an hand therein will have no cause to repent of what they have done. That it may be so, is the Prayer and hearts desire of him who is

Less than the Least of Saints INCREASE MATHER.
Boston N. E. Novemb. 27. 1684.
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Mr. CORBET'S ENQUIRY INTO THE STATE OF HIS SOUL.
HIS INTRODUCTION.

IN order to peace of Conscience and Assurance of my good Estate towards GOD, it must in reason be supposed, that I may rightly understand the marks of Sincerity set down in God's Word, as also the predominant inclination and motions of my own Soul; and that I may be so far Assured of my right understanding of the things aforesaid, as to have no reasonable [Page] ground of Doubting thereof. For I have no other ordinary way to know my Sincerity in or­der to the said Peace and Assurance, but to Examine it according to my best understanding by the Marks thereof set down in God's Word. In this Self-Examination it is requisite that I use all Diligence and Impartiality with Con­stancy; and that I earnestly pray for God's asist­ance in it, and heartily offer my self to His Search, as David did, Psal. 139. 23. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts. Wherefore if upon the most Impartial and Diligent Search, that I can make, according to the best of my under­standing, together with Earnest and Constant Prayer to God to assist me therein, as in my Greatest Concern, it doth most rationally ap­pear to me, that the predominant Inclination and Motions of my Soul are agreable to the marks of sincerity set down in God's Word, then my Conscience doing its Office aright, is to Judge for me accordingly, viz. that I am Sincere. And in this Judgment I am to acquiesce, because it is the Judgment of God's Agent and Minis­ter, which He hath set up within me to judge under Him of my internal State, according to His Law, by which he Himself doth and will judge me. God hath the same Aspect upon the Soul, which Conscience his Vicegerent hath, as it [Page] from time to time, or ordinarily judgeth not against Him or without Him, but under Him and ac­cording to His Judgment, either acquitting or con­demning. To this purpose the Apostle speaketh 1. John 3. 20. 21. If our heart Condemn us, God is Greater than our heart, and know­eth all things.—if our heart Condemn us not, then have we Confidence towards God.

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THE STATE OF MY OWN SOUL, According to the Strictest Search that I can make

Psal. 139. 24.
Search me O LORD, and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts.
And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting, Amen.

The following Particulars were set down in Decemb. Jan. Feb. Anno 1663.

AS far as I am able to discern my heart and wayes, I have chosen the Lord for my portion; I take up my rest in Him, and not in the Creature. To Love and fear and admire and bless him, and to have Comunion with him is my chief Joy. And the eternal Vision and Fruition of God is my great Hope. I would not only have God hereafter, but here in this World for my Chief good. He is even now better than all the world

[Page 2] I come to God by Jesus Christ. And as I believe in God, I believe also in Christ, and rejoyce and glory in him, and acknowledging my own sinfulness and unworthyness, I rest in­tirely on him as the ground of my Justification to Life, and of all favour and Acceptance with God.

I receive Christ as my Lord, and give up my self to him, I let him into my heart by Faith; I Esteem him precious, and am willing to suf­fer the loss of all, that I may win Him. I de­sire to know him in the power of his Death and Resurrection, and am much grieved that I do so weakly experience that power, and feel it no more operative in me, in my dying to sin and the world, and in living and walking in the Spirit.

I doe not cease to lament the more heinous sins of my Life, and cannot forbear the conti­nual imploring of the Pardon of them, I do not return again to them, and I resolve never so to do. I watch and pray and strive against all sin, but especially against those sins, to which I am more especially inclined. My con­flicts are dayly and am put hard to it; But I do not yeild up my self to any sin, nor lie down in it, yea I do not suffer sinful Cogitati­ons to lodge in me. Howbeit I am many times much discomposed, damped in spirit, deadned in duty, distracted in my studies, and molest­ed [Page 3] and hindred every way by the sin that dwelleth in me. But I resolve that sin shall have no rest in my soul, and that I will never enjoy it. Though I cannot keep sin out of my heart, yet it doth not reign in my mor­tal body, nor do I yeild my members to the service of it.

I would fulfil all Righteousness, and owe nothing to any man but Love. I had a hund­red-fold rather suffer wrong than do the least wrong.

It was said of Christ, that no guile was found in his mouth, and of the faithful Company that followed the Lamb, that no guile was found in their mouth: And that it may be so with me, I Endeavour with my whole heart.

I trust God with my cheifest outward Con­cernment, even with that, about which I am most solicitous, and wherein to be satisfied is of great moment to me, for that it hath as great an influence upon my Spirit, as any out­ward thing hath. And I do believe that God will provide for me herein or otherwise supply the want of it. My earnest desire of God is, that my outward condition may be so stated by his Wise and Gracious Providence, as I may be least exposed to Temptation, and best dispos­ed and furthered unto Duty.

I have an inclination to seek self, particu­larly [Page 4] in vain applause, and that in Re­ligious services; and herein I have been highly guilty, but I shame my self for it before God, and I am willing to be satisfied in the praise that comes from him alone: and I trust thorow his Grace, that I can deny my self in matter of Reputation to do his Will.

I love the Lord Jesus Christ, and all his Saints. The broken estate of the Church, especially by intestine Evils, is a great trouble to my Spirit. The Scandals of Professors I am truly grieved at, and I would not by their Weaknesses seek to excuse my own faults, or an advancing of my own virtues.

I have no setled Bitterness and Revenge against my Enemies, but I Love, pitty, and pray for them. As concerning God's Enemies I am more Provoked, but I would not be in­humane or cruel against them: For the wrath of Man worketh not the Righteousness of God.

I contemn none, I would not imbitter the Spirit of any. I would answer all obligations of Courtesie, as counting it a Righteousness. I would not insult over the weakness of any; and this is partly out of natural tenderness and moral Considerations; and I find that the good­ness and kindness of God, the meekness and [Page 5] Gentleness of Christ, hath hereunto made im­Pression upon me.

I find upon the review of my Life Past, ac­cording to the clearest Judgment that I can make, that I have not gone backward, but proceeded forward in the wayes of Godliness. And this increase I reckon not by sudden fits now and then hapning, but by the main pro­gress of the work in the total Summe.

I have been grieved that I am no more ele­vated in the hope of Heaven, and that I can­not attain to a longing desire to be gone hence, and to be there with Christ. I have laboured to raise up my heart, and have had enlarg­ment, even when deadness and flatness had been upon me. I think with my self some­times, were my Evidences clear for Heaven, I would exult to begone hence this very hour; but I find not this Readiness at all times.

When I have had a good enterprize in hand for God's Glory and some publique benefit, I watched against vanity of mind, and vain glo­ry in carying it on; and I desire purely to Aym at the Glory of God, and to be satisfied with my reward in him. And I take heed that I forget not my mortality, when I am pur­suing that design; but I would fain bring up my self to this frame, to be contented to be ta­ken [Page 6] hence in the midst of it, as judging that I shall be no loser by my removal, and God cannot stand in need of that Service.

Lord forgive mine inordinate Self-love, which hath disturbed the Actings of pure Cha­rity in divers passages of Moment. For Self­Love in my sensitive appetite hath had motions Contrary to the Love of God and my Neigh­bour. Nevertheless my Judgment hath dis­allowed it, and I have for the most part acted against it, and for that, which the Love of God and my Neighbour did command.

O Lord forgive my Ten thousand Talents. I come to Jesus Christ who hath made Satis­faction, and lay this heavy Reckoning to his account. Lord forgive my Iniquity, for it is exceeding great.

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These following Passages were set down March 4. Anno 1675.

UPon the Review of the foregoing Evi­dences, after Twelve Years, I find through Grace the same abiding in me, and more and more rooted. And some particulars which did make me more to doubt of my good estate, I find to be since that time in a greater degree Vanquished.

I have done what in me lies, to call to Re­membrance all my remarkable Sins from my Childhood & Youth till now, and as far as I can Judge I have repented of them, both generally and particularly: And now I Repent of them all from the bottom of my heart, with a self­abhorrence, if I can know my own heart, by the strictest and most impartial Search that I can make.

Upon the best Judgment that I can make of the Nature of Sin, and the frame of my own Heart and Course of Life, I know no sin Lying upon me, which doth not con [...] with habitual Repentance, and with the hatred of Sin, and with an unfeigned consent that God [...] my Sa­viour and Sanctifier, and with the L [...]ing of God above all.

[Page 8] The mercy of God towards me, in the pro­longing of the day of Grace, in the strivings of his Spirit, in his chastisements, in the Checks of Conscience, in the Recovery of my Soul out of Distempers and Back-slidings, doth greatly affect my Heart, and strongly engage me to Him; and doth often Call upon my Soul, and all that is within me to bless His Holy Name.

Though my Spiritual growth be very low and slow; yet to this present time I have not grown worse, but better; speaking of growth in the whole space, or greater spaces of my time Past, and not every particular Day.

By Prayer and Endeavours long continued, I have in some measure overcome a special very sinful Distemper of mind, and gained the Contrary Temper against a natural Propen­sity.

Though my Faith in Christ be weak, yet to have part in his promises, I am ready to part with all that is dear to me in this world, I have no Hope of Happiness but in Jesus Christ.

Though I have had doubtings touching the promised Salvation, yet I know that as to my own Felicity, I prize nothing more, then that Salvation, being the Glorifying and enjoying God forever: And I embrace it as my best Good. I Love Christ whom I have not seen, [Page 9] and I am affected towards him as towards a Person, who Taught and Did the most excel­lent Things, & promised a most excellent State to his Followers, and purchased their Redemp­tion at the dearest Rate.

I am heartily grieved for loving God so lit­tle, yet I am sure this I wrote according to a full perswasion at that time: I love nothing more than God, and in my Esteem and Choice, I prefer the Spiritual, Divine, and Heavenly Life; incomparably before the Carnal, Ani­mal, and Earthly life: And this Esteem and Choice is made good by performance in Or­dinary.

I love to Love God: And I desire this Love not only as an evidence of my Salvation, but for it Self. I had much rather have a heart to love Him perfectly, than to have all the Rich­es, Honours, Pleasures, and Delights of this World.

My Conscience bears me Witness that in the present exercise of my Ministry, I have no self-end of worldly advantage, or Reputation among men, or any Interest of the carnal mind; but if the Command of Christ, and the necessi­ties of Souls did not oblige me to this Ser­vice, I should gladly retire into Privacy and Solitude.

My Temporal estate is mean and Low, yet I am Contented with it, and humbly bless God [Page 10] for what I have. I live in as narrow a com­pass for Expences as I can, that I might have something to give to the poor, and to be help­ful to those that are in Need, according to my Ability. And as God hath required of us to love Mercy, and our Saviour hath said, It is a more blessed thing to give than to receive; so I have more pleasure in giving a portion to the Needy, as far as my mean Estate will bear, than in laying out for my own sense or world­ly Conveniences. And this proceeds not from a conceit of merit in any thing that I can do, but from a Love to please God, and to doe Good.

Though I have a good Knowledge about the premises, yet I am apt to waver about the Con­clusion. And though I aprehend the Eviden­ces of my sincerity to be Clear, yet a Timor­ousness remains in me.

Though I have not as yet overcome the fear of Death, yet I am sure that the unwillingness that is in me to dye, is not that I might enjoy the pleasures of Sense, or any Gratification of the Animal Life.

I feel in my self a burden of Sin and corrup­tion, much Sensuality, Earthlyness, Selfish­ness, nevertheless I judge there is that predo­minancy of Love to God, and Holyness, which I hope is immoveably seated in my soul, where­upon I hope that it cannot be that I should be [Page 11] Cast out of his blissful Presence into that Per­dition, which is the State of immutable hatred of Him. And I apprehend, that the most hor­rid and hellish State of Hell it self, lies in its Everlasting and Utmost Emnity against God.

Thus I am Searching and trying my Heart and wayes; and what I find by my self I write down that I may have it by me, for my relief in a Dark and Evil day, and an hour of Tem­tation: For I must expect the time, when by Weakness or anguish of Body or mind, I may be disabled to recollect my self, and duly to state the case of my own soul: And the Pow­ers of Nature may so fail, that I may have but a very weak Apprehension of what I have to do in this great Concernment. I am warned by the Parable of the Ten Virgins to look to it, that together with my Lamp I may have Oyl in my Vessel, and be ready to enter in with the Bride­groom at his coming.

Lord be merciful to me a sinner, to me one of the cheifest of sinners. O my exceeding Sinfulness! O y e Riches of thy goodness towards me! should not I Loathe my Carnal Self? Should not I grieve for grieving thy Spirit? I desire to doe so, I hope to do so. Do what thou wilt with me so thou pardon, and Sanctifie, and Save me. I am affraid of thy Judgments, I can en­dure but a little, O how weak is my heart! [Page 12] Nevertheless I will Endeavour, and I trust Through Grace, that I shall be enabled to bear thy Correcting Hand. Thou art Wise and Holy, Thou art Merciful and Gracious, Thou retainest not thine Anger forever, because Thou delightest in Mercy. O spare me, and consider me, and deal with me not after my sins, nor reward me after mine Iniquities; but as far as the East is from the West, so far remove my Transgressions from me: Comfort me and satisfie me, For I wait for Relief from Thee. I believe, O Lord help my Unbelief. Lord in­crease my Faith. O my God I lye at thy Feet & Mercy, I put my sinful and distressed soul into the hands of Jesus Christ, and I rest on the Co­venant of Grace made in Him, as all my Sal­vation, and all my desire, A MEN.

More Observations touching the State of my Soul, March the 27th. Anno 1676.

O The Wonderful Mercy of God towards me a most vile and wretched sinner in Convincing, rebuking, and awakning me un­to a Self-abhorrence, and an utter Detestation of my Sins, my special Sins; so that I cannot be reconciled to them. Since the powerful a­wakning of my Conscience, I never have, and [Page 13] am perswaded never shall return to those for­mer sins, which made a breach between God and my soul. I hate every Sin impartially. A sinful State is in my internal Sense, an horrid and Hellish State.

I find my self firmly resolved to give up any part of my worldly Estate that I shall be found to hold to anothers wrong: If it be doubtful where the Right lies, I am resolved first to en­deavour a Reference to Conscientious know­ing Men; and if that cannot be fitly had, to submit it to a legal Tryal, with a desire that Right may take place. I know not that I hold any such Estate, or that there is any doubt of my Legal Right to any thing that I possess: but I have made Supposition for the Tryal of my own Spirit.

When I had a Father or Mother, I would have trusted them to defend or deliver me from any Evil, from which it was in their power to de­fend or deliver me: in the same Manner I now trust to my loving Wife. Why then should I be suspicious of God. in whose Hands I am? Why should I doubt of His dear Love and ten­der Mercy towards me, or call in question his Good will to preserve, or deliver me from any Affliction that would be too hard for me to bear, or to sustain and Comfort mee under any Suffering, which He sees fit to inflict upon me?

[Page 14] If when I was more careless and forgetful of God, and when I ventred upon breaches with him, He was pleased to Convince me of my Sin, and to rouze me up to a greater Care, and to make me more Earnest for Pardon, and for Healing, and for all needful Grace, and more throughly resolv'd to follow him through­out. Surely he will not refuse me in my Ad­dresses for more Grace, and a more Confirmed State of Holiness: if I follow on to know the Lord, I shall know Him and See His Sal­vation.

Though Death and Judgement be of dread­ful Consideration; though God be Holy and Just and I be vile and guilty, and worthy of eternal Perdition; yet why should I doubt of Mercy and Forgiveness, and of support and comfort in the Darkness of death, and of Justi­fication in the day of Judgment from a Merciful and a Faithful God, through a powerful Re­deemer and Advocate; seeing as an humble, penitent Believer. I lie at his Feet, and cast my self into His Arms, and wait on his Grace, and am resolved to keep his Wayes, And ne­ver to return to Folly.

I more desire to be sincere than to know that I am so. The Comfort and Delight of being & doing Good, I set not so much by, as the very being and doing Good. To Love God and to be [Page 15] Conformable to Him is that which I most of all desire should be in me.

I will trust God in his wayes. I will Strive against an over-timorous Sollicitude about my own Salvation, and will submit my self to God who is the infinite Goodness and Love, and I will lye down, and take my Repose therein.

I am grieved when I observe or hear of the Scandals of some Professours, and the disor­ders of those that are in Charity to be judged Sincere, and the Follies and Frailties of the more Sincere and Upright. And it humbles me by Causing me to reflect upon my self, and my own Weakness and proness to offend; and it makes mee more to desire the Heavenly Society, and to be among the Spirits of Just Men made perfect.

My Sins of Sensuality in every kind and de­gree I search out, and repent of. I am kept by Grace from gross sins of this sort. In the Gratifications of Sense, which are Lawfull in general, I scrupulously dread excess, and un­dueness of Circumstances. How earnestly do I desire an absolute purity;

All Envy, Unrighteousness, Uncharitable­ness, Uncompassionateness, Undutyfulness, and base Selfishness which is the Root of all, I have Seen, Lamented, and Abhorred. The Motions and the Stirrings of Mind that [Page 16] way are suppressed and dislodged, I will never give way thereunto.

Self-applauding, Self-seeking in matter of Praise & honour before Men, I strive against. I desire to be as sincere to anothers Reputation as to my own, I would not value others by their re­gard to me, but by their true worth: I would be contented to be little in the eyes of others; This I unfeignedly Desire and Endeavour, and I hope that I have it in some good De­gree.

All my Omissions and Negligences in the work of the Ministry, in Preaching, in Personal pri­vate Application, I bewail, and heartily re­solve upon more Diligence and Faithfulness.

Enter not into Judgment with thy Servant O Lord, but remember me, and Spare me accor­ding to thy great mercy in Christ Jesus, the great Propitiation for Sin in Whom I desire to be found, and under the Covert of whose Wing I stand, that I may be saved from thy Wrath, and enjoy thy Peace, and live in thy Presence, where is fulness of Joy, and Pleasures for evermore.

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Febr. 22. 1678/9

GOd will never Damn in Hell any Soul, that hath the Habitual predominant Love of God, though culpably Remiss, and otherwise sinful, while he remaineth such; yea Hell and such Love of God are inconsistent.

I Love the holy Will of God with all my heart and hate all Disconformity to it. Nothing is more grievous to me than to dispease God, and nothing is more pleasant to me than to please him.

I Strive after Christian perfection.

I Labour to be unbottomed of Self, to dye to Self-advancement, to Self-glorification, and to all Selfish joyes, and to live wholly in and to God, and to have Self swallowed up in the Love of Him.

I Labour in the work of Self-resignation, that my Will may be confined to, and included in the Will of God.

I Strive after Patience in its perfect work, and do find a Willingness to yeild to God's Will in my Chastisements. I still Justifie God and doe not entertain an hard Thought of his Dealing with me, but conclude that it is alto­gether Holy, Just, and Good; and for the best.

I feel my sin a greater burden to me than [Page 18] my Affliction. I had rather have health of Soul in a body full of pain; than health and ease of Body with a distempered Soul. And the sense of my own sinfulness disposeth me to Patience, under my afflicting Infirmities of Body.

I narrowly watch my heart, that it may not lodge or admit a vain thought. When I am surprised with vanity, I suppress it as soon as I observe it.

I am very fearful of offending in a word. When on a sudden and by Incogitancy I have spoken a word which upon second thoughts is doubtful to me, though I had not such doubt in the speaking of it, I have been much perplex­ed about it, and engaged my self to a greater Watchfulness.

Aug. 1630.

Surely, Christ hath my heart. Whensoever I swerve from Christ in a thought, word, or deed, it is by inadvertancy and Surprizal a­gainst my fixed principle; and I have great Regret at it, and Loathe my Self for it.

If I were out of all fear of Damnation, I had rather be holy than unholy; and I take pains, and use God's Meanes to be holy in opposition to the Flesh, and I make it my cheif Care. And I doe this, because I make [Page 19] the Enjoying of God my Cheif Good; and rather than lose the Hope thereof. I would willingly undergo the sufferings of this Life, (which lead to that blessed Fruition) not ex­cepting the Fiery Tryal it self.

Sept, 1680.

I Hope, when the End cometh, my God will say to me, Dear Child, thy Warfare is accomplished, thine Iniquity is pardoned, en­ter thou into my Rest. Therefore I will both hope, and quietly wait for the Salvation of God. I will hope to the End. Strengthen me O my God, that I saint not.

Octob. 4th 1680.

I Have no design, I pursue nothing contrary to God's Interest: but all my designs and pursuits are for God and Holiness I think I am sure of this, if I be sure of any thing. My great Aim, and Care, and Labour is to cleanse my self from all filthiness of Flesh and Spirit, & to perfect holiness in the Fear of God.

To whom I yeild my self a servant to obey, his servant I am. But I do not yeild my self a Servant to Sin to obey it; but I do yeild my self a Servant to God, to obey Him. The de­sign and business of my Life is to do his Will.

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THE WORKINGS OF MY HEART IN MY AFFLICTION
Aug. the 5th 1680.

THE Will of God in Laying this Afflicti­on upon me, I unfeignedly approve as Holy just and Good. And I am un­feignedly willing to bear the Affliction, as it is an Evil laid upon me by his will, till the time come in which he shall think fit to remove it. I Watch, and pray, and strive that I may not give way to a repining thought against his ho­ly Hand. In this point the Spirit is willing, but the Flesh is weak. My Mind doth really consent to God's dispensation, and to my Submission, [Page 22] being most agreable to his Wise and Gracious government & most conducing to my Salvation. But my sensitive part and my Mind also as it is in part Unrenewed, Weak, and sinful, doth greatly reluctate; so that I am put hard to it, and I must say, I am willing, Lord help my Un­willingness. I have not observed these several dayes, that a thought of direct or positive Dis­contentment, or Vexatious Commotion of Mind hath been admitted by me; nevertheless I see to my greif, that I fall exceeding short of that Quietness, Contentation, and Cheerfulness in my Condition, and of that Freeness of self-re­signation to God's Will that I desire, and His Goodness calls for.

I wrestle with God by importunate prayer, that this Thorn in [...] flesh might depart from me, that this Distemper might be removed or so mitigated, that I might be in some Comfortable Ease, and get a more cheerful Freedom in doing my Du­ty: Yet I would not wrest this Relief out of his Hands unseasonably, and without his good Will and his Blessing; I would wait His time and desire to have it with his love and Favour, and with a saving Benefit. And so my earnest desire thereof is limited with submission to his Holy Will. Yet I find that this submission is no easy Matter, but that I must take pains with my own Heart, and that it is God, who must work my heart to it, and keep under the flesh, which [Page 23] is alwayes ready to rebel. It is hard to be willing to bear my wearisom Condition: And O how weak is my heart, and ready to sink if it be not upheld by a strength above my own! O let his Grace be sufficient for me, and let his power be made perfect in my weakness.

I feel my self bettered in the inner Man, by this Chastening: It hath furthered Mortifica­tion and self-denyal, and done much to the Breaking of the heart of Pride, and to bring me on towards that more perfect Self-Exami­nation for which I labour. It has much dead­ned the World to me, and my desire to the World. It makes me know in earnest the Emptiness of all Creatures, and how great my Concern is in God. It drives me close to him, and makes me to fetch all my comforts from Him. I see of how little Value all outward Contentments are: and not only in my pre­sent Afflicted State, but if I were at Ease, and in full prosperity. The sense of this benefit to my soul, is the great Meanes of bringing my Will to that weak degree of submission to God's Will, to which I have attained.

O that I could live more by Faith in this Trying Affliction. I endeavour to impress upon my soul those Arguments, which the Scripture affords for Patience and Long-suf­fering with joyfulness. But this will not do the work, unless the Spirit of Faith and Pati­ence [Page 24] be given from him, from whom comes down every good and perfect gift. I pray, I cry to my Father, that he would give me the Holy Spirit, according to his gracious pro­mise that I might shew forth the power of his Grace and that I might not dishonour Him, nor discourage his Children, nor reproach Re­ligion by my weakness. And in the bearing it well, my Reputation is nothing regarded by me in Comparison of the Honour of Christ. Him I desire to glorifie both in my Obedience and Patience.

I do not love God the less because of his Correcting hand upon me. As my necessities drive me, so His Love draws me, and my Love brings me to Him. I look to Him as my Fa­ther: And shall I not honour my Father, and give him Reverence when I am Chast'ned of him? The Lord is my portion sayth my soul, therefore will I hope in him. I will wait for the Lord who hideth his face; I will look after him; He retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in Mercy. Therefore he will turn again and have Com­possion upon me. If he kill me I will put my trust in Him: for he will not Cast me off for ever, if I cleave to him with Faith unfeigned; but even through Death it selfe will he save me. He will bring me forth to the Light, and I shall behold his Righteousness. When I say, [Page 25] What shall I do incass of such or such troublesome or dangerous Consequents? My Heart answers Be not carefull, God will provide; I will leave it to him.

Besides a natural desire of Ease and Rest, the sense of the Temptation to which I am ly­able in this Condition, makes me importunate to be delivered from it. I feelingly know the weakness of my own heart: and I am not ig­norant of the Devil's Malice and Subtilty, and how he will make the fiercest Assaults where I am weakest. Whereupon I tremble in my self for fear of being Tempted, and shaken and greatly amazed. And upon this ground, re­specting my Soul's safety, I judge an humble and patient Importunity with God, for the Remove­ing or Moderating of my Distemper, to be my Duty. Yet to keep me from being over solli­citous and Anxious in this thing, I Consider that God doth Govern and Limit all our Tem­tations, and will not suffer us to be tempted above what we are able, but will with the Temptation open a way for us to escape. Ne­vertheless, I find that I do much offend by too great a Vehemency of desire to be delivered from this grievous burden, without due sub­mission, also by too much disquietness and De­jection, when after some expectation of Benefit by the means, I perceive that my hope thereof is like to be frustrated. The Lord help me to carry it better and as I ought to do, and keep my Mind in its right frame.

[Page 26] My business under this Affliction is to be care­ful about my own part, and to Leave God's part to his care. My part is to do my duty and to get the benefit of the Affliction; but to remove it is God's Part. Let me perform what belongs to me; and what belongs to God, He will certainly perform in his own time and way. The Summe of my Duty is graciously to Comply with the Dispensation, and to Be­have my self suitably to it, and to please and honour God under it: Accordingly in this I Labour, and in this way I seek for Comfort.

And first I justifie God, and judge my self. God exercises his own Holiness and Justice in this his Castigation; both which, I approve, and accept the punishment of mine Iniquity, and Exercise an hatred of the Sin for which I now smart. I will bear the Indignation of the Lord, because I have sinned against Him, and I repent with a Self-abhorrence; and I lye in the dust at his feet, and wait on him until that He have Mercy upon me, and I am glad to re­ceive Mercy upon his Terms.

I have fled for Refuge to lay hold on the hope that is set before me. I do most heartily take God for my portion, and I had rather live the divine life in Conformity to Him, and Fellow­ship with Him here, in the first fruits of the Spirit, and hereafter in the fulness of Glory, than live in the fulness of the delights and con­tentments [Page 27] that belong to the natural Life upon earth, in a way of Sin and Alienation from the Life of God. I do most heartily take Christ according to the offer of the Gospel, not only to be justified from my sins, and delivered from the Wrath to come, by his Merits; but also to be Sanctified by his Word and Spirit, and to be Governed by His Lawes, and to be brought by Him unto the aforesaid Fellowship with God. And my Life and Practice in the main Bent, and ordinary Course thereof, is according to this Choice, in a dayly walking not by Sight and Sense, but by Faith; not af­ter the Flesh but after the Spirit, in setting my Heart not on Earthly but on Heavenly things. I cast off vain desires and Hopes, and my Expectations of Good are from God, accor­ding to the Tenor of his Promises, When I walk in Darkness and see no Light of outward Comfort, Humane Helps, and Visible Means; I will trust in the Name of the Lord, and Stay my Self upon my God. I strive with my own Spirit to Subdue it to the Will of God: And in whatsoever I am Tempted to be most im­patient, therein I Labour most for Patience. My great Care is that I may not sin against my God in any kind; and more especially that I may not sin by a Rebellious Impatience under his Correcting Hand. In this present distress I look upon my self as being upon my. Tryal, [Page 28] and therefore I look more diligently to my be­haviour in it. Now a Price is put into my Hand for the proof of my Sincerity, and I La­bour accordingly to make a good proof of it. I am willing to serve God in Pain and Patience, else I were unworthy of so good a Master. I am willing to be Conformable to Christ in Suffering else I were unworthy of Him. But here I must say again, The Spirit indeed is will­ing but the Flesh is weak; Lord help my Unwill­ingness, I am called to deny all the pleasures of Sense, and to mind them no more; and I am heartily willing of it. I am called to de­clare to others, by the exercise of Faith and patience, the Righteousness of the Lord, and his tender Mercies, and great Faithfulness, and that He alone is Allsufficient. O that the Pow­er of his Grace may be thus Magnified in me! This is the Fruit of the Afflictions that I look after, and in this will I Labour more and more. And through the help of Divine Grace I will not doubt of a Good Issue, while I am found in the way of Duty. To them who by patient Continuance in Well-doing seek for Glory and Honour and Immortallity, God who cannot lye hath promised to give Eternal Life.

I am desirous to be delivered from this Af­fliction (if it be the Will of the Lord) upon this account, that I might have a more nota­ble proof of my freer choosing of God for my [Page 29] portion, when I am not thus driven to Him (as now) because I can go no where else for comfort, also my freer turning from the world even then when I am capable of enjoying it. To have such a proof of these things in my self I should take for a great advantage, and be greatly Thankful. Nevertheless for the qui­eting of my Mind, I consider that my present Afflicted state doth better secure me from Temptations, which might draw my Heart from God to the Love of the world, in which Respect Prosperity is far more dangerous than Adversity. Moreover, my present State gives me Advantage for a Higher proof of the Grace that is in me, and of the power of divine Aid upholding me in a life of Faith and Patience, by which I Live upon God alone, when World­ly Comfort Fails me, and by which I am en­abled to overcome things grievous to Nature; and to get above, not only the pleasures, but the sharp pains of Sense; and to live and en­dure with little Natural bodily Rest. Also it gives me the Advantage of exercising a resolv­ed, willing Self-resignation to God in this Dis­pensation, which is harsh to Flesh and Bloud, & a resting Hope, when there is no present ap­pearance of Help, and a waiting and Looking for the Lord who hides his Face, and a cleave­ing to Him by Constant Love, though he doth fore bruise me. If I continue in the Exercise [Page 30] of these Graces they will give me a good Proof that the Heavenly Nature is in me, and will make way for Great Assurance towards God, and full Consolation on Jesus Christ. And yet further, I trust that I have long before this dis­tress chosen God for my portion, and drawn off my heart from the flattering Vanities of this world. And I know that in this Distress I doe not come to Him Constrainedly, or meer­ly as driven: For I delight to draw nigh to Him to pour out my heart before Him in pray­er and Meditation. My Meditation of him is sweet to my soul, and I do not Love to be diverted from it. And when my Distemper is any [...] more easie, it works unto a Re­joycing in Him. And it is for an enlargement of Heart towards Him, that I Cheifly desire bo­dily Ease and Rest.

Hear my Cry O God, attend unto my pra­er! I will cry unto Thee when my heart is overwhelmed: Lead me to the Rock that is high­er than I.

God the Infinite Goodness and Love, will not cast off a poor soul that lies at his Feet, and Cries for the Help of his Grace when it is ready to sink under the Burden, and is willing to have Mercy upon His terms.

Therefore I will stil cry to Him, and look for Him, and lean upon Him, and will not de­part from Him by an Evil hear of Unbelief.

[Page 31] This I resolve in His Strength, Lord strengthen me unto the perfect work of Pati­ence.

Lord I heartily consent that Thou shouldest use me as Thou pleasest, so thou use me as one of those that Love thy Name. Disposal is an effect of propriety, but it is alwais a re­gular and a loving disposal of the Subjects of His Government. O! deal favourably with Thy Servant: Thou knowest my Frame: Re­member that I am but Dust.

The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: Thy Mercy, O Lord endureth forever. Forsake not the Works of Thine own Hands. O Lord, without Thee I can doe Nothing: Therefore I must beg and thou wilt give Grace sufficient; without which I cannot Subsist: For therein is the Life of my Spirit.

For Ever, O Lord, thy word is Settled in Heaven.

Pitty me O Lord as a Father pittyeth his children.

Comfort me O Lord, as one whom his Mo­ther Comforteth,

The Lord will wait that he may be Graci­ous unto me: For the Lord is a God of Judg­ment: Blessed are all they that wait for Him.

Can I be in a better Hand? As my professed Judgment is Concerning God's Proceeding; So let me stand affected towards it.

[Page 32]

NOTES FOR MY SELF

KEep thy Heart with all Diligence; for out of it are the Issues of Life.

Death and Life are in the Power of the Tongue.

Entertain not a Sensual Imagination for a Moment; and give not way to the least Glance of the Eye towards vanity.

Be alwayes expecting some trouble or other to interrupt thy outward Peace and Rest.

Never expect any thing from the world, and when it offers thee any thing that is good for thee, receive it; but cath not at it greedily.

Be alwayes mindful what thou may'st do for thine own and others Salvation, in every In­stant, upon every Occasion.

Dye daily.

In Arguing with another, watch against ev­ry [Page 33] every Inordinate heat of Passion, loud speaking and every rash word.

If any neglect or Slight thee, care not for it, yet observe it.

Any Matter of Tryal to thee, reckon among thy Gains.

Take no delight of Sense, but in a manifest & direct subserviency to spiritual Ends, & use not that delight to irritate but to allay sensuallity.

When a sensual Imagination or Passion breaks in, then excite and Taste of the Powers of the World to come; and delay not to recover the Divine Frame.

What thou doubtest, do not.

In thy Actions, consider not only what is Law­ful, but what is Best in the present Circumst­ances, and doe that.

In every delight of sense, watch against all Bruitishness.

When thou art in company where y e talk is vain, watch to put in a word that may be to Edification.

If any despise thee, do not bear a grudge against him for it. And be not offended with any, meerly because they do not honour thee.

When thou art framing excuses, take heed of speaking an Untruth or approaching near to it, lest in avoyding the offence of Man, thou make too bold with God: Take heed of this also, when thou wouldest speak pleasingly, and avoid Offence in Speaking.

[Page 34] Use no Recreation or delight of Sense, but what thou canst at that very time desire of God that it may be Sanctified to Spiritual Ends.

When thou hearest that another hath spoken any thing to thy Injury or Disparagement, be­ware of a transport of Anger, that thou speak not harshly or unadvisedly against him, or too passionately for Self, or as too much concerned for Self.

Uphold the Reputation of thy Colleague, or any that is joyned with thee in Service, as thou wouldst thine owne.

Watch against all secret pleasure, in the les­sening of another for the advancing of thy self.

Mind the following Paragraph, O ye Reverend Divines.

Pray heartily for the success of thy Colleague and others, who perform the same service that thou art ingaged in. And rejoyce in whatso­ever good is done by them, as in what is done by thy self, and own it before men.

Use not Animosity & contention in any matter that may be brought to a good issue in a way of peace.

Engage not hastily as a party in a difference between others but reserve thy self Impartial and uningaged, that thou mayst moderate be­tween them.

Whilst thou lamentest thy weakness in some cases, and seekest more strength, besure to use that greater strength in all other cases, where­unto thou hast attained; and be not Remiss [Page 35] or forgetful in any duty that is more facil to thee: so shalt thou have comfort in thy willing Mind and honest care, and do much towards the attainment of that which thou yet wantest, and Reachest after.

In the time of Prayer, let no business divert thee from it that is not of present Necessity.

When thou hast an opportunity of speaking a word for the good of another's soul, defer not the doing of it till another time.

Watch against all bitter, and over-passionate speeches, against malignant opposers of the Truth: For meekness of Spirit and Behavior is more according to Christ than wrathful Zeal.

Be not transported with passion against those Conformists, who are more sober than many o­thers; yet manifest too little compassion to their suffering Brethren: for even in the regenerate, there is a Remainer of the Spirit of Envy, Partiality, and Selfishness, and too much of Wrath and Bitterness, and other parts of the Serpentine Nature, though in a mortified De­gree. And we are to yeild grains of Allow­ance for the Temptations of Prejudice, In­terest, &c. to which good men as well as others are Obnoxious.

In thy zeal against the sins of others, be mind­ful of thy own exceeding sinfulness: And Call to Remembrance thy great Offences, which though they be Unfeignedly Repented of, [Page 36] give thee to understand what Cause thou hast to be meek and humble and patient towards all men.

Watch against the motions of Pride and Hy­pocrisie, in the presence of any person, whose Favour and good Opinion thou much Esteem­est. What is Man that thou shouldest pass to be judged by Man's Judgment, or seek ap­plause from Man!

Be not discomposed about some petty absur­dities of Behavior or little Indecorums, or O over-sights: for so to be is Pusillanimity.

When thou hast Conceived a dislike of any Person, his wayes, or actions, or dost ill resent his Carriage towards thee; take heed thou do not take any secret pleasure in the fore-sight of Evil coming upon him, or in hearing any such following his, as tends to his Reproach, or Ru­in, or notable Dammage.

If thou hast fore-spoken the Calamity, or any Evil that in Reason is like to befal one, who doth unadvisedly manage himself, & his affairs, take heed of Wishing or Will-ing that the evil should come to pass, lest thy Judgment or fore­sight should seem to be disparaged, yea, take heed of any Motion rising towards such a Wish or Will.

My own exceeding Faultiness ingages [...] in seeing and hearing the Faults and Follies of o­thers to pitty them, rather than to rejoyce or [Page 37] glory over them; and to cover or lessen those Faults, rather then to aggravate or display them.

The Mercy & Forgiveness that I have found, and Hope for at the Lord's hand, Engages and disposes me to forgive Injuries and abuses done to me. And I should not think it much, that I who am so sinful should bear some Con­tumilies or Abuses from men.

It is displeasing to me, to hear the faults of others insisted on, whether they be matters of Folly and Inconsiderateness, or of Perversness and Mallice; but Especially if the matter be not Evident.

I find that petty Dammages and Injuries are apt to be vexatious, especially in a matter the whole whereof is but little; as in a little Farm or Living. Wherefore I endeavour that I be not surprized with a troublesome appearance, & consider the Moment of a thing how light it is.

Abhor every Thought, Word, and Deed, which is contrary to Love; and tends to the Hurt of others.

The more men wrong thee, the more watch­fully maintain thy Love towards them.

After thy publick Ministrations in Prayer and Preaching, be not thoughtful or much concern'd how Men like thy performances, but be concern­ed for this, how acceptable is it to God, & how effectual & successful to holy and Saving Means.

If God single me out for Special great Suf­fering, [Page 38] I have no reason to judge amiss of it: For such is the State of the Things of the World to come, that some individuals must of necessity suffer for the good of the People: and why not I, as well as another? God is my owner, and he may do with me as with any other, even as he pleaseth; & he is my Father and he will use me well, and make me sufficient Amends for all my Suffering, and I shall be no Loser, but an Exceeding Gainer thereby in the End.

In this present State of Tryal, it is requisite that there be a sufficient Difficulty and Hard­ship, for all those that shall be saved, to grap­ple with.

For all our boasts of Free-will, unless there were some heavy weights of sufferings, cast by Provi­dence into the ballance, to poise against our pro­pensions to follow lusts, & Pleasures, & worldly Allurements, wee should never Seriously set our selves to the severe and self-denying duties which belong to true Godliness.

To avoid Inconveniences to thy self, Expose not any to danger, whose safety thou art bound to provide for.

In all Accusations, whether publick or pri­vate, after thou hast made a sufficient defence, enter not into needless matters for Ostentati­on or such further Vindication as is not Neces­sary, if thou stand in a slippery place; but [Page 39] lye at close Gaurd, lest thou be entangled, or in some Point circumvented.

I will never wittingly and willfully do amiss by Commission or Omission in a greater or les­er Matter, because I shall too often do amiss, at least in smaller Matters, through Ignorance or Inadvertancy, or Surprizal of Passion, do what I can.

Watch every Opportunity to put in a Savo­ry word, for the good of a Soul, with whom thou hast occasion of Converse.

Remember thou hast nothing of thine own, but all is the Lords, and accordingly use all that thou hast to no Carnal Interest, but to serve Him, as being wholly devoted to Him.

Be as Serious and hearty in thy Prayers to God for the Concerns of others, as for thine own.

Watch against selfishness, lest it work un­to great uncharitableness.

When thou hast Evidences of thy Sincerity which cannot in reason be gain-said, hold to them, and take comfort in them: yet still en­deavour by Reviews and further searchings to cleare it more and more.

Wee keep our Evidences, by keeping our Graces in their lively Excercise.

Fetch thy Comforts from Heaven, and not from Pleasures or Hopes here below.

Do not over-value any Worth that is in thy self; but think it rather less than more than it is indeed.

[Page 40] If any slight thee, be neither dejected nor provoked.

Do not value Men according to their Esteem of thee, but according to their true Worth.

Watch against the Expectation of Hearing thine own praise; and when such a thought arises, instantly suppress it.

When thou art Commended, let not thy thoughts dwell on it with delight, but let it be to thee as nothing.

Take heed of too great a Valuation of thine own Work or Usefulness in thy place; and lay not too great a Stress thereon.

When Friends out of Love over-value thee, it concerns thee not to over-value thy self, nor to take more than thy due, though they give it.

Have a Habit of Compassion towards the Af­flicted, firmly fixed in thee, that the Motions thereof may be sutably stirred up on every Oc­casion.

Let an Abhorrence of any Content in ano­thers Sufferings be deeply Imprinted on thee; that every thought thereof may be prevented, or instantly suppressed: Yea, hate all Disregard to anothers Misery.

Watch against all Eagerness, and immode­rate delight in Eating and Drinking; and a­gainst minding any kind of Food for the pleas­ing of the Sense. Come to thy Meals not like a Bruit, but as becomes a Saint. Never ter­minate [Page 41] in the Sensitive pleasure, but make use of it to raise thy Heart to God.

When thou hast Eaten so much, so that thou thinkest more is not Expedient, or is better forborn than taken, proceed not to a Bit more lest thou be entangled or disturbed.

Still consider, Is this Act I go about agree­able to one that hath Communion with God? Will this Act promote Communion with God? Do I come to this Act, so as to have Commu­nion with God thereby promoted.

Seek the Lawful Contentment of any that are about thee, as thou dost thine own; and be as glad, to gratifie them as thy self, so far as is convenient for them. Hate and shun all Motions of unworthy selfishness: And see that others be sharers with thee in thy pleasant Things, and be not content to have them to thy self alone.

Be not over sollicitous for humoring thy self sensitive Suavities, but rather be suspicious it, and absteinous from it.

Alwayes mind and do the the present Duty, Comply with the present Dispensation, and make the most of it. Thy busines is to please God, and God will provide for thy Comfort.

Lay thy Heart to rest in the Will of God; For there is no other Rest for the Soul to be thought on.

I will not Indent with God for any Good, [Page 42] but what is included in the Covenant of Grace. I will expect no Good but according to the Te­nour of that Covenant, which is all my Salvati­on and all my desire.

I am resolved that Pride shall not set me to Study, or Preach, or Pray, or carry me on in any Service. If thoughts of men-pleasing, or Man's applause, steal in with my honest Inten­tions, I will instantly cast them out, as soon as they be discovered, and I will watch and pray for the preventing of them. I will watch when I go forth in my Service for God, that pride do not send me forth: Men's Opinion of me shall be nothing with me, but the pleasing of God, and the doing of good, shall be my whole Scope.

In performing Prayer I am intent upon God and his Hearing, and observing my thoughts and words; And I earnestly purpose and str [...] against Thoughts about Mens Observing [...] Judging of my performance. Nevertheless [...] do find, that together with my sincere and ear­nest Intention directed to God, Thoughts of regard to Mens Esteem and Judging, will too often thrust in, (do what I can) so as either to be pleased, or troubled as I think they judge. These thoughts have greatly troubled my spi­rit: Hereupon I consider, that a due Regard to Expressions for Mens sake, that they be Af­fecting and not Offensive, is not faulty but ne­cessary, [Page 43] and therefore must be heeded. And think that my thoughts about Mens Judging have this intention at last cheifly, that my Ex­pressions be Affecting, and not Offensive; Yet I am jealous of a Mixture of Corruption and Vanity. I earnestly endeavour to have my Heart so fill­ed with the Apprehension of God's Infinite Ma­jesty, and my infinite Concernment in Him, that all Impertinent Thoughts may be quite swallowed up. All designing and endeavouring to please Men for my own praise, I do at that very time detest and abandon; Yea, at that ve­ry time I am sure, I do very little regard ei­ther the approbation and praise, or the disal­lowance and dispraise of those very persons, a­bout whom my thoughts are apt to run out as aforesaid. I do my uttermost to prevent, re­strain, and suppress all such Thoughts, they are [...] to me: There is scarce any thing [...] Stirs within me that hath less of my Will [...] these thoughts have: There is scarce a­ny thing, against which I do more watch, and pray, and Strive, than against these thoughts. And whatsoever tincture of Vanity and Cor­ruption be found in them, I am heartily sorry for it, I hate and Loath it: and I hope that the merciful God will not impute it unto me, to the rejecting of my prayer, or to any breach between Him and me.

I find that my very Fear of this Evil, and my [Page 44] desire to avoyd it, doth draw my thoughts it, as a mans great desire to sleep, and his fear that he shall not sleep doth commonly keep him waking.

These thoughts I abhor, not only before and after, but in the very time they come in: And I strive with Might and Main against them. If God approve my service and own me in it, I shall be abundantly Satisfied, though men (whatsoever or how many soever they be) should despise and Loath it, On the contrary, If men should never so highly approve it, I can never be satisfied if God do not accept and bless it. This I am sure of, if I be sure of any thing.

I discern, that by care I have brought it to that pass, that my thoughts of others present with me in prayer, are not with regard to their praise, which I value not, but to what is [...] to be done by me in that Service, and to [...] being affected with it.

I find I am prone to be anxiously scrupulous; Yet I should consider that there be Inevita­ble weaknesses (as Impertinent thoughts) ac­companying the best Performances.

FINIS.

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