IT is an acknowledg'd Truth, that nothing is so dear to an honest Man as his good Name, nor ought he to neglect the just Vindication of his Character, when it is in­juriously attack'd by any Man. The Person I have at present Cause to complain of, is indeed in very melancholy Circumstances, it having pleas'd God to deprive him of his Senses, which may extenuate the Crime in Him. But I should be wanting in my Duty, not only to my self, but also to my Fellow-Creatures, to whom my [Page 6] Talents may prove of benefit, shou'd I suffer my Profession or Honesty to be undeservedly as­pers'd. I have therefore resolv'd to give the Publick an account of all that has past between that unhappy Gentleman and my self.

On the 20 th instant, while I was in my Closet pondering the Case of one of my Patients, I heard a Knocking at my Door, upon opening of which enter'd an old Woman with Tears in her Eyes, and told me, that without my As­sistance her Master would be utterly ruin'd. I was forc'd to interrupt her Sorrow by enquiring her Master's Name and Place of Abode. She told me he was one Mr. D [...]is an Officer of the Custom-house, who was taken ill of a violent Frenzy last April, and had continu'd in those melancholy Circumstances, with few or no In­tervals. Upon this I ask'd her some Questions relating to his Humour and Extravagancies, that I might the better know under what Regi­men to put him, when the Cause of his Distem­per was found out. Alas, Sir, says she, this Day fortnight in the Morning a poor simple Child came to him from the Printer's; the Boy had no sooner enter'd the Room, but he cry'd out, the Devil was come. He often stares ghast­fully, raves aloud, and mutters between his Teeth the Word Cator, or Cato, or some such thing. Now, Doctor, this Cator is certainly a Witch, and my poor Master is under an evil Tongue: for I have heard him say Cator has be­witch'd the whole Nation. It pitied my very Heart, to think that a Man of my Master's Un­derstanding and great Scholarship, (who, as the [Page 7] Child told me, had a Book of his own in Print,) should talk so outragiously. Upon this I went and laid out a Groat for a Horshoe, which is at this time nail'd on the Threshold of his Door; but I don't find my Master is at all the better for it; he prepetually starts and runs to the Win­dow when any one knocks, crying out, S' death! a Messenger from the French King! I shall die in the Bastile.

Having said this, the Old Woman presented me with a Viol of his Urine; upon Examination of which I preceiv'd the whole Temperament of his Body to be exceeding hot. I therefore in­stantly took my Cane and my Beaver, and re­pair'd to the Place where he dwelt.

When I came to his Lodgings near Charing-Cross, up three Pair of Stairs, (which I should not have publish'd in this manner, but that this Lunatick conceals the Place of his Residence on purpose to prevent the good Offices of those charitable Friends and Physicians, who might attempt his Cure) when I came into the Room, I found this unfortunate Gentleman seated on his Bed, with Mr. Bernard Lintott, Bookseller, on the one side of him, and a grave elderly Gen­tleman on the other, who, as I have since learnt, calls himself a Grammarian; the Latitude of whose Countenance was not a little eclips'd by the Fullness of his Peruke. As I am a black lean Man, of a pale Visage, and hang my Clothes on somewhat slovenly, I no sooner went in but he frown'd upon me, and cry'd out with vio­lence, ‘' S'Death, a Frenchman! I am betray'd to the Tyrant! who cou'd have thought the [Page 8] Queen would have deliver'd me up to France in this Treaty, and least of all that you, my Friends, wou'd have been in a Conspiracy against me?'’—Sir, said I, here is neither Plot nor Conspiracy, but for your advantage. The Recovery of your Senses requires my At­tendance, and your Friends sent for me on no other account. I then took a particular Survey of his Person, and the Furniture and Disposition of his Apartment. His Aspect was furious, his Eyes were rather fiery than lively, which he roll'd about in an uncommon manner. He often o­pen'd his Mouth, as if he wou'd have utter'd some Matter of Importance, but the Sound seem'd lost inwardly. His Beard was grown, which they told me he would not suffer to be shav'd, believing the modern Dramatick Poets had corrupted all the Barbers in the Town to take the first Opportunity of cutting his Throat. His Eye-brows were grey, long, and grown to­gether, which he knit with Indignation when any thing was spoken, insomuch that he seem'd not to have smooth'd his Forehead for many Years. His Flannel Night Cap, which was ex­ceedingly begrim'd with Sweat and Dirt, hung upon his Left Ear; the Flap of his Breeches dangled between his Legs, and the Rolls of his Stockings fell down to his Ankles.

I observ'd his Room was hung with old Tape­stry, which had several Holes in it, caus'd, as the Old Woman inform'd me, by his having cut out of it the Heads of divers Tyrants, the Fierce­ness of whose Visages had much provoked him. On all sides of his Room were pinned a great [Page 9] many Sheets of a Tragedy called Cato, with Notes on the Margin with his own Hand. The Words Absurd, Monstrous, Execrable, were every where written in such large Characters, that I could read them without my Spectacles. By the Fre-side lay Three-farthings-worth of Small-coal in a Spectator, and behind the Door huge Heaps of Papers of the same Title, which his Nurse inform'd me she had convey'd thither out of his sight, believing they were Books of the Black Art; for her Master never read in them, but he was either quite mop'd, or in raving Fits; There was nothing neat in the whole Room, except some Books on his Shelves very well bound and gilded, whose Names I had ne­ver before heard of, nor I believe are any where else to be found; such as Gibraltar, a Comedy; Remarks on Prince Arthur; the Grounds of Criticism in Poetry; an Essay on publick Spirit. The only one I had any Knowledge of was a Paradise Lost, interleav'd. The whole Floor was cover'd with Manuscripts, as thick as a Past­ry Cook's Shop on a Christmas Eve. On his Table were some Ends of Verse and of Candles; a Gallipot of Ink with a yellow Pen in it, and a Pot of half-dead Ale cover'd with a Longinus.

As I was casting my Eyes round on all this odd Furniture with some Earnestness and Asto­nishment, and in a profound Silence, I was on a sudden surpriz'd to hear the Man speak in the following manner:

‘"Beware, Doctor, that it fare not with you as with your Predecessor the famous Hippocrates, whom the mistaken Citizens of Abdera sent [Page 10] for in this very manner to cure the Philoso­pher Democritus; he return'd full of Admi­ration at the Wisdom of that Person whom he had suppos'd a Lunatic. Behold, Doctor, it was thus Aristotle himself and all the great Antients spent their Days and Nights, wrapt up in Criticism, and beset all around with their own Writings. As for me, whom you see in the same manner, be assur'd I have none other Disease than a Swelling in my Legs, whereof I say no more, since your Art may further cer­tify you."’

I began now to be in hopes that his Case had been misrepresented, and that he was not so far gone, but some timely Medicines might recover him. I therefore proceeded to the proper Que­ries, which with the Answers made to me, I shall set down in Form of Dialogue, in the very Words they were spoken, because I would not omit the least Circumstance in this Narrative; and I call my Conscience to witness, as if upon Oath, that I shall tell the Truth without addi­tion or diminution.

Pray, Sir, how did you contract this Swelling?

By a Criticism,

A Criticism! that's a Distemper I ne­ver read of.

S'Death, Sir, a Distemper! It is no Distemper, but a Noble Art. I have sat four­teen Hours a Day at it; and are you a Doctor, and don't know there's a Communication be­tween the Legs and the Brain?

What made you sit so many Hours, Sir?

Cato, Sir.

Sir, I speak of your Distemper, what gave you this Tumor?

Cato, Cato, Cato. ^*

For God's sake, Doctor, name not this evil Spirit, 'tis the whole Cause of his Mad­ness: Alas, poor Master's just falling into his Fits.

Fits! Z [...] what Fits! A Man may well have Swellings in his Legs, that sits writing fourteen Hours in a Day. He got this by the Remarks.

The Remarks! what are those?

S'Death! have you never read my Remarks? I will be damn'd if this Dog Lin­tott ever publish'd my Advertisements.

Z [...]! I publish'd Advertisement upon Advertisement; and if the Book be not read, it is none of my fault, but his that made it. By G [...], as much has been done for the Book, as cou'd be done for any Book in Christen­dom.

We do not talk of Books, Sir; I fear those are the Fuel that feed his Delirium; men­tion them no more. You do very ill to promote this Discourse.

I desire a Word in private with this other Gentleman, who seems a grave and sensible Man: I suppose, Sir, you are his Apothecary.

Sir, I am his Friend.

I doubt it not. What Regimen have you observ'd since he has been under your Care? You remember, I suppose, the Passage of Celsus, which says, if the Patient, on the third Day, have an Interval, suspend the Medicaments at Night? let Fumigations be used to corroborate the Brain; I hope you have upon no Account promoted Sternutation by Hellebore.

Sir, no such matter, you utterly mis­take.

Mistake: Am I not a Physician? and shall an Apothecary dispute my Nostrums—You may perhaps have fill'd up a Prescription or two of Ratcliff's which chanced to succeed, and with that very Prescription injudiciously pre­scrib'd to different Constitutions, have destroy'd a Multitude. Pharmacopola componat, Medicus solus prescribat. Fumigate him, I say, this very Evening, while he is relieved by an Interval.

S'Death, Sir, my Friend an Apothe­cary! a base Mechanic! He who, like my self, professes the noblest Sciences in the Universe, Criticism and Poetry. Can you think I would submit my Writings to the Judgment of an A­pothecary! By the Immortals, he himself in­serted three whole Paragraphs in my Remarks, had a Hand in my Publick Spirit, nay, assisted me in my Description of the Furies, and infer­nal Regions in my Appius.

He is an Author; you mistake the Gentleman, Doctor, he has been an Au­thor these twenty Years, to his Bookseller's Knowledge, and no Man's else.

Is all the Town in a Combination? Shall Poetry fall to the Ground? Must our Re­putation be lost to all foreign Countries? O De­struction! Perdition! ^* Opera! Opera! As Po­etry once rais'd Cities, so when Poetry fails Cities are overturn'd, and the World is no more.

He raves, he raves; Mr. Lintott, I pray you pinion down his Arms, that he may do no Mischief.

O I am sick, sick to Death!

That is a good Symptom, a very good Symptom. To be sick to Death (say the mo­dern Physicians) is an excellent Symptom. When a Patient is sensible of his Pain, 'tis half a Cure. Pray, Sir, of what are you sick?

Of every thing, Of every thing. I am sick of the Sentiments of the Diction, of the Protasis, of the Epitasis, and the Catastro­phe—Alas, what is become of the Drama, the Drama?

The Dram, Sir? Mr. Lintott drank up all the Gin just now; but I'll go fetch more presently!

O shameful Want, scandalous Omis­sion! By all the Immortals, here is no Peripae­tia, no Change of Fortune in the Tragedy; Z [...] no Change at all.

Pray, good Sir, be not angry, I'll fetch Change.

Hold your Peace, Woman, his Fit in­creases, good Mr. Lintott hold him.

Plague on't! I am damnably afraid they are in the right of it, and he is mad in earnest. If he should be really mad, who the Devil will buy the Remarks?

Sir, I shall order you the cold Bath to morrow—Mr. Lintott, you are a sensible Man; pray send for Mr. Verdier's Servant, and as you are a friend to the Patient, be so kind as to stay this Evening whilst he is cupp'd on the Head. The Symptoms of his Madness seem to be desperate; for Avicen says, that if Learn­ing be mix'd with a Brain that is not of a Con­texture fit to receive it, the Brain ferments till it be totally exhausted. We must eradicate these undigested Ideas out of the Perecranium, and reduce the Patient to a competent Know­ledge of himself.

Caitiffs stand off, unhand me, Misore­ants! Is the Man whose whole Endeavours are to bring the Town to Reason mad? is the Man who settles Poetry on the Basis of Antiquity mad? Dares any one assert there is a Peripaetia in that vile Piece that's foisted upon the Town for a Dramatick Poem? That Man is mad, the Town is mad, the World is mad. See Longinus in my right Hand, and Aristotle in my left; I am the only Man among the Moderns that sup­port them. Am I to be assassinated; and shall a Bookseller, who hath liv'd upon my Labours, take away that Life to which he owes his Sup­port?

By your Leave, Gentlemen, I appre­hend you not. I must not see my Friend ill [Page 15] treated; he is no more affected with Lunacy than my self: I am also of the same Opinion as to the Peripaetia—Sir, by the Gravity of your Countenance and Habit, I would conceive you to be a graduate Physician; but by your indecent and boisterous Treatment of this Man of Learning, I perceive you are a violent sort of Person, I am loath to say Quack, who rather than his Drugs should lie upon his own Hands, would get rid of them, by cramming them into the Mouths of others: The Gentleman is of good Condition, sound Intellectuals, and uner­ring Judgment: I beg you will not oblige me to resent these Proceedings.

THESE were all the Words that pass'd a­mong us at this Time; nor was there need for more, it being necessary we should make use of Force in the Cure of my Patient.

I privately whisper'd the old Woman to go to Mr. Verdier's in Long-Acre, with Orders to come immediately with Cupping Glasses; in the mean time, by the Assistance of Mr. Lintott, we lock'd his Friend into a Closet, (who 'tis plain from his last Speech was likewise touch'd in his Intellects) after which we bound our Lunatick Hand and Foot down to the Bedsted, where he continued in violent Ravings, notwithstanding the most tender Expressions we could use to per­swade him to submit to the Operation, till the Servant of Verdier arrived. He had no sooner clapp'd half a dozen Cupping Glasses on his Head, and behind his Ears, but the Gentleman above­mention'd bursting open the Closet, ran furious­ly [Page 16] upon us, cut Mr. D [...]is's Bandages, and let drive at us with a vast Folio, which sorely bruis'd the Shin of Mr. Lintott; Mr. John D [...]is also starting up with the Cupping Glasses on his Head, seized another Folio, and with the same dangerously wounded me in the Skull, just above my right Temple. The Truth of this Fact Mr. Verdier's Servant is ready to attest upon Oath, who, taking an exact Survey of the Vo­lumes, found that which wounded my Head to be Gruterus's Lampas Critica, and that which broke Mr. Lintott's Shin was Scaliger's Poetices. After this, Mr. John D [...]is strengthen'd at once by Rage and Madness, snatch'd up a Peruke-Block, that stood by the Bedside, and weilded it round in so furious a Manner, that he broke three of the Cupping Glasses from the Crown of his Head, so that much Blood trickled down his Visage—He look'd so ghastly, and his Passion was grown to such a prodigious Height, that my self, Mr. Lintott, and Verdier's Servant were o­blig'd to leave the Room in all the Expedition imaginable.

I took Mr. Lintott home with me, in order to have our Wounds drest, and laid hold of that Opportunity of entering into Discourse with him about the Madness of this Person, of whom he gave me the following remarkable Relation:

That on the 17th of May, 1712, between the Hours of 10 and 11 in the Morning, Mr. John D [...]is enter'd into his Shop, and opening one of the Volumes of the Spectator, in the large Paper, did suddenly, without the least Provocation, tear out that of No—where the Author treats [Page 17] of Poetical Justice, and cast it into the Street. That the said Mr. John D [...]is on the 27 th of March, 1712, finding on the said Mr. Lintott's Counter a Book called an Essay on Criticism, just then publish'd, he read a Page or two with much Frowning, till coming to these two Lines;

He flung down the Book in a terrible Fury, and cried out, By G [...]d he means Me.

That being in his Company on a certain Time, when Shakespear was mention'd as of a contrary Opinion to Mr. Dennis, he swore the said Shake­spear was a Rascal, with other defamatory Ex­pressions, which gave Mr. Lintott a very ill Opi­nion of the said Shakespear.

That about two Months since, he came again into the Shop, and cast several suspicious Looks on a Gentleman that stood by him, after which he desired some Information concerning that Per­son. He was no sooner acquainted that the Gen­tleman was a new Author, and that his first Piece was to be publish'd in a few Days, but he drew his Sword upon him, and had not my Servant luckily catch'd him by the Sleeve, I might have lost one Author upon the spot, and another the next Sessions.

Upon recollecting all these Circumstances, Mr. Lintott was entirely of Opinion, that he had been mad for some Time; and I doubt not but this whole Narrative must sufficiently con­vince [Page 18] the World of the excess of his Frenzy. It now remains, that I give the Reasons which obliged me in my own Vindication to publish this whole unfortunate Transaction.

In the first place, Mr. John D [...]is had indu­striously caused to be reported that I enter'd into his Room Vi & Armis, either out of a Design to deprive him of his Life, or of a new Play called Cariolanus, which he has had ready for the Stage these Four Years.

Secondly, He hath given out about Fleetstreet and the Temple, that I was an Accomplice with his Bookseller, who visited him with Intent to take away divers valuable Manuscripts, without paying him Copy-Money.

Thirdly, He hath told others, that I am no Graduate Physician, and that he had seen me up­on a Mountebank Stage in Moorfields, when he had Lodgings in the College there.

Fourthly, Knowing that I had much Practice in the City, he reported at the Royal Exchange, Custom-house, and other Places adjacent, that I was a foreign Spy, employ'd by the French King to convey him into France; that I bound him Hand and Foot; and that, if his Friend had not burst from his Confinement to his Relief, he had been at this Hour in the Bastile.

All which several Assertions of his are so very extravagant, as well as inconsistent, that I appeal to all Mankind whether this Person be not out of his Senses. I shall not decline giving and produ­cing further Proofs of this Truth in open Court, if he drives the Matter so far. In the mean [Page 19] time I heartily forgive him, and pray that the Lord may restore him, to the full Enjoyment of his Understanding: So wisheth as becometh a Christian,

God Save the Queen.

HISTORY furnishes us with Examples of many Satyrical Authors who have fallen Sacrifices to Revenge, but not of any Booksellers that I know of, ex­cept the unfortunate Subject of the following Paper; I mean Mr. Edmund Curll, at the Bible and Dial in Fleetstreet, who was yesterday poi­son'd by Mr. Pope, after having liv'd many Years [Page 21] an Instance of the mild Temper of the British Nation.

Every Body knows that the said Mr. Edmund Curll, on Monday the 26th Instant, publish'd a Satyrical Piece, entituled Court Poems, in the Preface whereof they were attributed to a Lady of Quality, Mr. Pope, or Mr. Gay; by which indis­creet Method though he had escap'd one Revenge, there were still two behind in reserve.

Now on the Wednesday ensuing, between the Hours of Ten and Eleven, Mr. Lintott, a neigh­b'ring Bookseller, desired a Conference with Mr. Curll about settling a Title-Page, inviting him at the same Time to take a Whet together. Mr. Pope, (who is not the only Instance how Per­sons of bright Parts may be carry'd away by the Instigation of the Devil) found Means to con­vey himself into the same Room, under Pretence of Business with Mr. Lintott, who it seems is the Printer of his Homer. This Gentleman with a seeming Coolness, reprimanded Mr. Curll for wrongfully ascribing to him the aforesaid Poems: He excused himself by declaring that one of his Authors (Mr. Oldmixon by Name) gave the Copies to the Press, and wrote the Pre­face. Upon this Mr. Pope (being to all appea­rance reconcil'd) very civily drank a Glass of Sack to Mr. Curll, which he as civilly pledged; and tho' the Liquor in Colour and Taste diffe­red not from common Sack, yet was it plain by the Pangs this unhappy Stationer felt soon after, that some poisonous Drug had been secretly in­fused therein.

[Page 22] About eleven a Clock he went home, where his Wife observing his Colour chang'd, said, Are you not Sick, my Dear? He reply'd, Bloody Sick; and incontinently fell a vomiting and straining in an uncommon and unnatural Manner, the Contents of his vomiting being as green as Grass. His Wife had been just read­ing a Book of her Husband's printing concern­ing Jane Wenham, the famous Witch of Hert­ford, and her Mind misgave her that he was be­witch'd; but he soon let her know that he sus­pected Poison, and recounted to her, between the Intervals of his Yawnings and Reachings, every Circumstance of his Interview with Mr. Pope.

Mr. Lintott in the mean time coming in, was extreamly affrighted at the sudden Alteration he observ'd in Him: Brother Curll, says he, I fear you have got the Vomiting Distemper; which (I have heard) kills in half an Hour. This comes from your not following my Advice, to drink old Hock in a Morning, as I do, and abstain from Sack, Mr. Curll reply'd in a moving Tone, Your Author's Sack I fear has done my Business, Z [...]ds, says Mr. Lintott, my Author!—Why did not you drink old Hock? Notwithstanding which rough Remonstrance, he did in the most friendly Manner press him to take warm Water; but Mr. Curll did with great Obstinacy refuse it; which made Mr. Lintott Infer, that he chose to die, as thinking to recover greater Damages.

All this Time the Symptoms encreas'd vio­lently, with accute Pains in the lower Belly. Brother Lintott, says he, I perceive my last Hour [Page 23] approaching; do me the friendly Office to call my Partner, Mr. Pemberton, that we may settle our Worldly Affairs. Mr. Lintott, like a kind Neigh­bour was hastening out of the Room, while Mr. Curll rav'd aloud in this manner: If I survive this, I will be reveng'd on Tonson; it was he first detected me as the Printer of these Poems, and I will reprint these very Poems in his Name. His Wife admonish'd him not to think of Re­venge, but to take care of his Stock and his Soul: And in the same Instant, Mr. Lintott (whose Goodness can never be enough applauded) re­turn'd with Mr. Pemberton. After some Tears jointly shed by these humane Booksellers, Mr. Curll being (as he said) in his perfect Senses though in great bodily Pain, immediately pro­ceeded to make a verbal Will (Mrs. Curll having first put on his Night-Cap) in the following Ma nner.

GEntlemen, in the first Place, I do sincerely pray Forgiveness for those indirect Me­thods I have pursued in inventing new Titles to old Books, putting Authors Names to things they never saw, publishing private Quarrels for pub­lick Entertainment; all which, I hope will be pardoned, as being done to get an honest liveli­hood.

I do also heartily beg Pardon of all Persons of Honour, Lords Spiritual and Temporal, Gentry, Burgesses, and Commonalty, to whose Abuse I have any or every way contributed by my Pub­lications, particularly, I hope it will be con­sider'd, [Page 24] that if I have vilify'd his Grace the Duke of Marlborough, I have likewise aspers'd the late Duke of Ormond; if I have abused the honourable Mr. Walpole, I have also libell'd the Lord Bolingbroke? so that I have preserv'd that Equality and Impartiality which becomes an honest Man in Times of Faction and Di­vision.

I call my Conscience to witness, that many of these Things which may seem malicious were done out of Charity; I having made it wholly my business to print for poor disconsolate Authors, whom all other Booksellers refuse. Only God bless Sir Richard Blackmore! you know he takes no Copy-money.

The second Collection of Poems, which I groundlesly call'd Mr. Prior's, will sell for No­thing, and hath not yet paid the Charge of the Advertisements, which I was obliged to publish against him: Therefore you may as well suppress the Edition, and beg that Gentleman's pardon in the name of a dying Christian.

The French Cato, with the Criticism showing how superior it is to Mr. Addison's, (which I wickedly ascribed to Madam Dacier) may be suppress'd at a reasonable Rate, being damnably translated.

I protest I have no Animosity to Mr. Rowe, having printed part of Callipaedia, and an incor­rect Edition of his Poems without his Leave, in Quarto. Mr. Gildon's Rehearsal or Bays the Younger, did more harm to me than to Mr. Rowe; though upon the Faith of an honest [Page 25] Man, I paid him double, for abusing both him and Mr. Pope.

Heaven pardon me for publishing the Trials of Sodomy in an Elzevir Letter! but I humbly hope, my printing Sir Richard Blackmore's Essays will attone for them. I beg that you will take what remains of these last, (which is near the whole Impression, Presents excepted) and let my poor Widow have in exchange the sole Propriety of the Copy of Madam Mascranny.

[ Here Mr. Pemberton interrupted, and would by no means consent to this Article, about which some Dispute might have arisen unbecoming a dying Person, if Mr. Lintott had not interposed and Mr. Curll vomited.]

What this poor unfortunate Man spoke after­wards, was so indistinct, and in such broken Ac­cents, (being perpetually interrupted by Vomitings) that the Reader is intreated to excuse the Confusion and Imperfection of this Account.

Dear Mr. Pemberton, I beg you to beware of the Indictment at Hicks's Hall, for publishing Rochester's bawdy Poems; that Copy will other­wise be my best Legacy to my dear Wife, and helpless Child.

The Case of Impotence was my best Support, all the last long Vacation.

[ In this last Paragraph Mr. Curll 's Voice grew more free, for his Vomitings abated upon his Deje­ctions, and he spoke what follows from his Close­stool.]

[Page 26] For the Copies of Noblemen's and Bishop's Last Wills and Testaments, I solemnly declare I printed them not with any Purpose of Defama­tion; but meerly as I thought those Copies law­fully purchased from Doctors Commons, at One Shilling a piece. Our Trade in Wills turning to small Account, we may divide them blind­fold.

For Mr. Manwaring's Life, I ask Mrs. Old­field's Pardon: Neither His nor my Lord Hali­fax's Lives, though they were of service to their Country, were of any to me: But I was resol­ved since I could not print their Works while they liv'd, to print their Lives after they were dead.

While he was speaking these Words Mr. Old­mixon enter'd. Ah! Mr. Oldmixon (said poor Mr. Curll) to what a Condition have your Works reduced me! I die a Martyr to that unlucky Pre­face. However, in these my last Moments I will be just to all Men; you shall have your third Share of the Court Poems, as was stipulated. When I am dead, where will you find another Bookseller? Your Protestant Packet might have supported you, had you writ a little less scurrilously; there is a Mean in all things.

Here Mr. Lintott interrupted. Why not find another Bookseller, Brother Curll? and then took Mr. Oldmixon aside and whisper'd him: Sir, As soon as Curll is dead, I shall be glad to talk with you over a Pint at the Devil.

Mr. Curll now turning to Mr Pemberton, told him, he had several Taking Title-Pages [Page 27] that only wanted Treatises to be wrote to them; and earnestly desired that when they were writ, his Heirs might have some Share of the Profit of them.

After he had said this, he fell into horrible Gripings, upon which Mr. Lintott advis'd him to repeat the Lord's Prayer. He desir'd his Wife to step into the Shop for a Common Prayer Book, and read it by the Help of a Candle with­out Hesitation. He clos'd the Book, fetch'd a Groan, and recommended to Mrs. Curll to give Forty Shillings to the Poor of the Parish of St. Dunstan's, and a Week's Wages advance to each of his Gentlemen-Authors, with some small Gratuity in particular to Mrs. Centlivre.

The poor Man continued for some Hours with all his disconsolate Family about him in Tears, expecting his final Dissolution; when of a sudden he was surprizingly relieved by a plen­tiful foetid Stool, which obliged them all to re­tire out of the Room. Notwithstanding, it is judged by Sir Richard Blackmore, that the Poi­son is still latent in his Body, and will infallibly destroy him by slow Degrees, in less than a Month. It is to be hoped, the other Enemies of this wretched Stationer will not further pur­sue their Revenge, or shorten this small Period of his miserable Life.

THE Publick is already acquainted with the Manner of Mr. Curll's Impoison­ment, by a faithful tho' unpolite Histo­rian of Grubstreet. I am but the Continuer of his History; yet I hope a due Distinction will be made between an undignify'd Scribler of a Sheet and half, and the Author of a Three­penny stitch'd Book, like my self.

^* Wit (saith Sir Richard Blackmore) proceeds from a Concurrence of regular and exalted Fer­ments, and an Affluence of Animal Spirits recti­fy'd and refin'd to a Degree of Purity. On the contrary, when the igneous Particles rise with the vital Liquor, they produce an abstra­ction [Page 29] of the rational Part of the Soul, which we commonly call Madness. The Verity of this Hypothesis, is justify'd by the Symptoms with which the unfortunate Mr. Edmund Curll, Bookseller, hath been afficted ever since his swallowing the Poison at the Swan Tavern in Fleetstreet. For tho' the Neck of his Retort, which carries up the Animal Spirits to the Head, is of an extraordinary length; yet the said Ani­mal Spirits rise muddy, being contaminated with the inflammable Particles of this uncommon Poison.

The Symptoms of his Departure from his usual Temper of Mind, were at first only speak­ing civilly to his Customers, singeing a Pig with a new purchased Libel, and refusing Two-and-Nine-Pence for Sir Richard Blackmore 's Es­says.

As the poor Man's Frenzy encreas'd, he be­gan to void his Excrements in his Bed, read Rochester 's bawdy Poems to his Wife, gave Old­mixon a slap on the Chops, and wou'd have kiss'd Mr. Pemberton's A [...] by Violence.

But at last he came to such a pass, that he wou'd dine upon nothing but Copper-Plates, took a Clyster for a whipt Syllabub, and made Mr. Lintott eat a Suppository for a Raddish with Bread and Butter.

We leave it to every tender Wife to imagine, how sorely all this afflicted poor Mrs. Curll: At first she privately put a Bill into several Churches, desiring Prayers of the Congregation for a wretched Stationer distemper'd in Mind. But when she was sadly convinc'd that his Mis­fortune [Page 30] was publick to all the World, she writ the following Letter to her good Neighbour Mr. Lintott.

But return we to Mr. Curll, who all Wed­nesday continued outragiously mad. On Thurs­day he had a lucid Interval, that enabled him to send a general Summons to all his Authors. There was but one Porter who cou'd perform this Office, to whom he gave the following Bill of Directions where to find 'em. This Bill, together with Mrs Curll's Original Letter, lie at Mr. Lintott's Shop to be perus'd by the Cu­rious.

All these Gentlemen appear'd at the Hour ap­pointed, in Mr. Curll's Dining Room, two ex­cepted; one of whom was the Gentleman in the Cockloft, his Landlady being out of the way, and the Gradus ad Parnassum taken down; the other happened to be too closely watch'd by the Bailiffs.

They no sooner enter'd the Room, but all of them shew'd in their Behaviour some Su­spicion of each other; some turning away their Heads with an Air of Contempt; others squint­ing with a Leer that shew'd at once Fear and Indignation, each with a haggard abstracted Mien, the lively Picture of Scorn, Solitude, and short Commons. So when a Keeper feeds his hungry Charge of Vultures, Panthers, and of Lybian Leopards, each eyes his Fellow with a siery Glare: High hung, the bloody Liver tempts their Maw. Or as a Housewife stands before her Pales, surrounded by her Geese; they fight, they hiss, they gaggle, beat their Wings, and Down is scatter'd as the Winter's [Page 34] Snow, for poor Grain of Oat, or Tare, or Bar­ley. Such Looks shot through the Room trans­verse, oblique, direct; such was the stir and din, 'till Curll thus spoke, (but without rising from his Close-stool.)

He had scarce done speaking, but the Histo­rian propos'd a History of his Life. The Ex­eter-Exchange-Gentleman was for penning Ar­ticles of his Faith. Some pretty smart Pinda­rick, (says the Red-Stocking Poet) would effe­ctually do his Business. But the Index-maker said there was nothing like an Index to his Homer.

[Page 35] After several Debates they came to the follow­ing Resolutions.

• Resolv'd, That every Member of this So­ciety, according to his several Abilities, shall contribute some way or other to the Defama­tion of Mr. Pope.
• Resolv'd, That towards the Libelling of the said Pope, there be a Sum employ'd not ex­ceeding Six Pounds Sixteen shillings and Nine Pence (not including Advertisements.)
• Resolv'd, That he has on purpose, in several Passages, perverted the true ancient Heathen Sense of Homer, for the more effectual Pro­pagation of the Popish Religion.
• Resolv'd, That the Printing of Homer's Battles at this Juncture, has been the Occa­sion of all the Disturbances of this Kingdom.
• Ordered, That Mr. Barnivelt be invited to be a Member of this Society, in order to make further Discoveries.
• Resolv'd, That a number of effective Er­rata's be raised out of Pope's Homer (not ex­ceeding 1746,) and that every Gentleman who shall send in one Error, for his Encourage­ment shall have the whole Works of this So­ciety gratis.
• [Page 36] Resolv'd, That a Sum not exceeding Ten Shillings and Six pence be distributed among the Members of this Society for Coffee and Tobacco, in order to enable them the more ef­fectually to defame him in Coffee-Houses.
• Resolv'd, That towards the further lessen­ing the Character of the said Pope, some Per­sons be deputed to abuse him at Ladies Tea-Tables, and that in consideration our Authors are not well dress'd enough, Mr. C [...]y and Mr. Ke [...]l be deputed for that Service.
• Resolv'd, That a Ballad be made against Mr. Pope, and that Mr. Oldmixon, Mr. Gil­don, and Mrs. Centlivre, do prepare and bring in the same.
• Resolv'd, That above all, some effectual Ways and Means be found to encrease the Joint Stock of the Reputation of this Society, which at present is exceeding low, and to give their Works the greater Currency; whether by raising the Denomination of the said Works by counterfeit Title Pages, or mixing a greater Quantity of the fine Metal of other Authors, with the Alloy of this Society.
• Resolv'd, That no Member of this Society for the future mix Stout in his Ale in a Morn­ing, and that Mr. B [...] remove from the Hercules and Still.
• [Page 37] Resolv'd, That all our Members, (except the Cook's Wife) be provided with a sufficient Quantity of the vivifying Drops, or Byfield's Sal Volatile.
• Resolv'd, That Sir R [...] B [...] be appointed to endue this Society with a large Quantity of regular and exalted Ferments, in order to enliven their cold Sentiments (being his true Receipt to make Wits.)

These Resolutions being taken, the Assembly was ready to break up, but they took so near apart in Mr. Curll's Afflictions, that none of them could leave him without giving him some Advice to reinstate him in his Health.

Mr. Gildon was of opinion, That in order to drive a Pope out of his Belly, he should get the Mummy of some deceas'd Moderator of the General Assembly in Scotland, to be taken inwardly as an effectual Antidote against Anti­christ; but Mr. Oldmixon did conceive that the Liver of the Person who administred the Poison, boil'd in Broth, would be a more certain Cure.

While the Company were expecting the Thanks of Mr. Curll, for these demonstrations of their Zeal, a whole pile of Sir Richard's Essays on a sudden fell on his Head; the Shock of which in an Instant brought back his Deliri­um. He immediately rose up, over-turn'd the Close-stool, and besh-t the Essays (which may [Page 38] probably occasion a second Edition) then with­out putting up his Breeches, in a most furious Tone he thus broke out to his Books, which his distemper'd Imagination represented to him as alive, coming down from their Shelves flutter­ring their Leaves, and flapping their Covers at him.

Now G-d damn all Folio's, Quarto's, Octa­vo's and Duodecimo's! ungrateful Varlets that you are, who have so long taken up my House without paying for your Lodging?—Are you not the beggarly Brood of fumbling Journeymen; born in Garrets, among Lice and Cobwebs, nurs'd up on Grey Peas, Bullocks Liver, and Porters Ale?—Was not the first Light you saw, the Farthing candle I paid for? Did you not come before your Time into dirty Sheets of brown Paper?—And have not I cloath'd you in double Royal, lodg'd you handsomely on decent Shelves, lac'd your Backs with Gold, equipt you with splendid Titles, and sent you into the World with the Names of Persons of Quality? Must I be always plagu'd with you? Why flutter ye your Leaves, and flap your Covers at me? Damn ye all, ye Wolves in Sheeps Cloathing; Rags ye were, and to Rags ye shall return. Why hold you forth your Texts to me, ye paltry Sermons? Why cry ye—at every Word to me, ye bawdy Poems?—To my Shop at Tunbridge ye shall go, by G [...] and thence be drawn like the rest of your Predecessors, bit by bit, to the Passage-House; For in this present Emotion of my Bowels, how [Page 39] do I compassionate those who have great need, and nothing to wipe their Breech with?

Having said this, and at the same Time re­collecting that his own was yet unwiped, he a­bated of his Fury, and with great Gravity, ap­ply'd to that Function the unfinish'd Sheets of the Conduct of the Earl of N [...]m.

AVARICE (as Sir Richard in the Third Page of his Essays hath elegantly observ'd) is an inordinate Impulse of the Soul towards the amassing or heaping together a Superfluity of Wealth without the least Regard of applying it to its proper Uses.

And how the Mind of Man is possessed with this Vice, may be seen every Day both in the City and Suburbs thereof. It has been always esteemed by Plato, Puffendorf and Socrates, [Page 41] as the darling Vice of old Age: But now our young Men are turn'd Usurers and Stock-job­bers; and, instead of lusting after the real Wives and Daughters of our rich Citizens, they covet nothing but their Money and Estates. Strange Change of Vice! when the Concupi­scence of Youth is converted into the Covetous­ness of Age, and those Appetites are now be­come VENAL which should be VENEREAL.

In the first Place, let us shew you how many of the ancient Worthies and Heroes of Anti­quity have been undone and ruin'd by this Deadly Sin of Avarice.

I shall take the Liberty to begin with Brutus, that noble Roman. Does not Aetian inform us that he received Fifty Broad Pieces for the Assassination of that renowned Emperor Julius Caesar, who fell a Sacrifice to the Jews, as Sir Edmund Bury Godfrey did to the Pa­pists?

Did not Themistocles let in the Goths and Vandals into Carthage for a Sum of Money, where they barbarously put out the other Eye of the famous Hannibal? As Herodotus hath it in his ninth Book upon the Roman Medals.

Even the great Cato (as the late Mr. Addi­son hath very well observ'd) though otherwise a Gentleman of good Sense, was not unsully'd by this pecuniary Contagion: For he sold Athens to Artaxerxes Longimanus for a hundred Rix-Dollars, which in our Money will amount to two Talents and thirty Sestertii, according to Mr. Demoiver's Calculation. See Hesiod in his 7 th Chapter of Feasts and Festivals.

[Page 42] Actuated by the same Diabolical Spirit of Gain, Scylla the Roman Consul shot Alcibiades the Senator with a Pistol, and robb'd him of several Bank Bills and Chequer Notes to an immense Value; for which he came to an un­timely End, and was deny'd Christian Burial. Hence comes the Proverb incidat in Scyllam.

To come near to our own Times, and give you one modern Instance (tho' well known and often quoted by Historians, viz. Echard, Dionysius Halicarnassaeus, Virgil, Horace, and others) 'Tis that, I mean, of the famous God­frey of Bulloigne, one of the great Heroes of the Holy War, who robb'd Cleopatra Queen of Egypt of a Diamond Necklace, Ear-Rings, and a Tompion's Gold Watch (which was given her by Mark Antony) all these things were found in Godfrey's Breeches Pocket, when he was kill'd at the Seige of Damascus.

Who then can wonder after so many great and illustrious Examples that Mr. Edmund Curll the Stationer, should renounce the Christian Religion for the Mammon of Unrighteousness, and barter his precious Faith for the filthy Pros­pect of Lucre in the present Fluctuation of Stocks.

It having been observed to Mr. Curll by some of his ingenious Authors, (who I fear are not over-charg'd with any Religion) what im­mense Sums the Jews had got by Bubbles, &c. he immediately turned his Mind from the Business in which he was educated, but thriv'd little, and resolv'd to quit his Shop, for Change Alley. Whereupon falling into Com­pany [Page 43] with the Jews at their Club at the Sign of the Cross in Cornhill, they began to tamper with him upon the most important Points of the Christian Faith, which he for some time zealously, and like a good Christian obstinately defended. They promised him Paradise, and many other Advantages here­after, but he artfully insinuated that he was more inclinable to listen to present Gain. They took the Hint, and promis'd him that immedi­ately upon his Conversion to their Persuasion he should become as rich as a Jew.

They made use likewise of several other Ar­guments, to wit,

That the wisest Man that ever was, and in­asmuch the richest, beyond all peradventure, was a Jew, videlicet Solomon.

That David the Man after God's own Heart, was a Jew also. And most of the Children of Israel, are suspected for holding the same Doctrine.

This Mr. Curll at first strenuously deny'd, for indeed he thought them Roman Catholicks, and so far was he from giving way to their Temptations, that to convince them of his Christianity he call'd for a Pork Grisking.

They now promis'd if he would poison his Wife and give up his Grisking, that he should marry the rich Ben Meymon's only Daughter. This made some Impression on him.

They then talk'd to him in the Hebrew Tongue, which he not understanding, it was observ'd had very great Weight with him.

[Page 44] They, now perceiving that his Godliness was only Gain, desisted from all other Arguments, and attack'd him on his weak side, namely that of Avarice.

Upon which John Mendez offer'd him an Eighth of an advantagious Bargain for the A­postles Creed, which he readily and wickedly renounced.

He then sold the Nine and thirty Articles for a Bull; but insisted hard upon Black-Pud­dings, being a great Lover thereof.

Joshua Parrara engag'd to let him share with him in his Bottomrye, upon this he was persuaded out of his Christian Name; but he still adher'd to Black-Puddings.

Sir Gideon Lopez tempted him with Forty Pound Subscription in Ram's Bubble; for which he was content to give up the Four Evangelists, and he was now compleated a perfect Jew, all but Black-Pudding and Cir­cumcision; for both of which he would have been glad to have had a Dispensation.

But on the 17th of March, Mr. Curll (un­known to his Wife) came to the Tavern asore­said. At his Entrance into the Room he per­ceived a meagre Man with a sallow Counte­nance, a black forky Beard, and long Vestment. In his Right Hand he held a large Pair of Sheers, and in his Left a red hot Searing-Iron. At Sight of this, Mr. Curll's Heart trembled within him, and feign would he retire; but he was prevented by six Jews, who laid Hands upon him, and unbuttoning his Breeches [Page 45] threw him upon the Table, a pale pitiful Spectacle.

He now intreated them in the most moving Tone of Voice to dispense with that unmanly Ceremonial, which if they would consent to, he faithfully promis'd that he would eat a Quarter of Paschal Lamb with them the next Sunday following.

All these Protestations availed him nothing, for they threatned him that all Contracts and Bargains should be void unless he would submit to bear all the outward and visible Signs of Judaism.

Our Apostate hearing this, stretched himself upon his Back, spread his Legs, and waited for the Operation; but when he saw the High-Priest take up the Cleft Stick, he roared most unmercifully, and swore several Christian Oaths, for which the Jews rebuked him.

The Savour of the Effluvia that issued from him, convinced the Old Levite and all his Assistants that he needed no present Purgation, wherefore without farther anointing him he proceeded in his Office; when by an unfortunate Jerk upward of the impatient Victim, he lost five times as much as ever Jew did before,

They finding that he was too much circum­cis'd, which by the Levitical Law is worse than not being circumcis'd at all, refused to stand to any of their Contracts: Wherefore they cast him forth from their Synagogue; and he now remains a most piteous, woful and misera­ble Sight at the Sign of the Old Testament and Dial in Fleet-street, his Wife, (poor Woman) [Page 46] is at this Hour lamenting over him, wringing her hands and tearing her Hair; for the bar­barous Jews still keep, and expose at Jonathan's and Garraway's, the Memorial of her Loss, and her Husband's Indignity.

MAnifold have been the Judgments which Heav'n from Time to Time, for the Chastisement of a Sinful People, has inflicted on whole Nations. For when the Degeneracy becomes Common, 'tis but Just the Punishment should be General: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate Country, was that destructive Pe­stilence, whose Mortality was so fatal, as to sweep away, if Sir William Petty may be believ'd, Five Millions of Christian Souls, besides Women and Jews.

Such also was that dreadful Conflagration en­suing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the Computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100000 Houses, not to mention Churches and Stables.

[Page 48] Scarce had this Unhappy Nation recover'd these Funest Disasters, when the Abomination of Play-houses rose up in this Land: From hence hath an Inundation of Obscenity flow'd from the Court and overspread the Kingdom: Even Infants disfigured the Walls of holy Tem­ples with exorbitant Representations of the Mem­bers of Generation; nay, no sooner had they learnt to Spell, but they had Wickedness enough to Write the Names thereof in large Capitals: an Enormity, observ'd by Travellers to be found in no Country but England.

But when Whoring and Popery were driven hence by the Happy Revolution; still the Na­tion so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Ari­anism and Whistonism triumph'd in our Streets, and were in a manner become Universal.

And yet still, after all these Visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a Contagi­on more Epidemical, and of consequence more Fatal: This was foretold to us, First, by that unparallel'd Eclipse in 1714: Secondly, By the dreadful Coruscation in the Air this present Year: And Thirdly, By the Nine Comets seen at once over Soho-Square, by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and Others; a Contagion that first crept in amongst the First Quality, descended to their Footman, and infused it self into their Ladies: I mean the woful Practice of PUN­NING. This does occasion the Corruption of our Language, and therein of the Word of God translated into our Language, which cer­tainly every sober Christian must Tremble at.

[Page 49] Now such is the Enormity of this Abomina­tion, that our very Nobles not only commit Punning over Tea, and in Taverns, but even on the Lord's- Day, and in the King's Chappel: Therefore to deter Men from this evil Practice, I shall give some True and Dreadful Examples of God's Revenge against Punsters.

The Right Honourable [...] (but it is not safe to insert the Name of an eminent Nobleman in this Paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has been seen; which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his Sleeves:) This young Nobleman was not only a flagitious Pun­ster himself, but was accessary to the Punning of others, by Consent, by Provocation, by Conni­vance, and by Defence of the Evil committed; for which the Lord mercifully spared his Neck, but as a Mark of Reprobation wryed his Nose.

Another Nobleman of great Hopes, no less guilty of the same Crime, was made the Pu­nisher of himself with his own Hand, in the Loss of 500 Pounds at Box and Dice; whereby this unfortunate young Gentleman incurr'd the heavy Displeasure of his aged Grand-mother.

A Third of no less illustrious Extraction, for the same Vice, was permitted to fall into the Arms of a Dalilah, who may one day cut off his curious Hair, and deliver him up to the Philistines.

Colonel F [...], an ancient Gentleman of grave Deportment, gave into this Sin so early in his Youth, that whenever his Tongue endea­vours [Page 50] to speak Common Sense, he Hesitates so as not to be understood.

Thomas Pickle Gentleman, for the same Crime, banish'd to Minorca.

Muley Hamet, from a healthy and hopeful Of­ficer in the Army, turn'd a miserable Invalid at Tilbury-Fort.

[...] Eustace, Esq for the Murder of much of the King's English in Ireland, is quite depriv'd of his Reason, and now remains a lively Instance of Emptiness and Vivacity.

Poor Daniel Button, for the same Offence, de­priv'd of his Wits.

One Samuel an Irishman, for his forward At­tempt to Pun, was stunted in his Stature, and hath been visited all his Life after with Bulls and Blunders.

George Simmons, Shoe-maker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this Custom, and did it with so much Success, that his Neighbours gave out he was a Wit. Which Report coming a­mong his Creditors, no body would trust him; so that he is now a Bankrupt, and his Family in a miserable Condition.

Divers eminent Clergymen of the University of Cambridge, for having propagated this Vice, became great Drunkards and Tories.

From which Calamities, the Lord in his Mercy defend us all. &c. &c.

THERE is a certain Person lately arrived at this City, whom it is very proper the World should be informed of. His Character may, perhaps, be thought very Inconsistent, Improbable, and Unnatural; however I in­tend to draw it with the utmost Regard to Truth. This I am the better qualified to do, because he is a sort of Dependant upon our Family, and almost of the same Age; tho' I cannot directly say, I have ever secn him. He is a Native of this Country, and hath lived long among us, but what appears wonderful, and hardly credible, was never seen before, by any Mortal.

It is true, indeed, he always chuses the lowest Place in Company, and contrives it so, to keep out of Sight. It is reported, however, that in his younger Days he was frequently exposed to View, but always against his Will, and was sure to smart for it.

As to his Family, he came into the World a Younger Brother, being of six Children, the [Page 52] fourth in order of ( 1) Birth; of which the eldest is now Head of the House, the second and third carry Arms: but the two Youngest are only Footmen: Some indeed, add, that he hath like­wise a Twin-Brother, who lives over-against him, and keeps a ( 2) Victualling-House: He has the Reputation to be a close, griping, squeezing Fellow; and that when his Bags are full, he is often Needy; yet, when the Fit takes him, as fast as he gets, he lets it fly.

When in Office, no one dischargeth himself, or does his Business better. He hath some­times strained hard for an Honest Livelihood, and never got a Bit, till every Body else had done.

One Practice appears very blameable in him, that every Morning he privately frequents unclean Houses, where any modest Person would blush to be seen. And altho' this be generally known, yet the World, as Censorious as it is, is so kind to overlook this Infirmity in him. To deal Im­partially, it must be granted, that he is too great a Lover of himself, and very often consults his own Ease at the Expence of his best Friends. But this is one of his blind-Sides; and the best of Men I fear are not without them.

He hath been constituted by the higher Pow­ers in the Station of Receiver-General, in which Employment some have censured him for play­ing fast and loose. He is likewise Overseer of the Golden Mines, which he daily inspects when his Health will permit him.

He was long bred under a ( 3) Master of Arts, who instilled good Principles in him, but these [Page 53] were soon Corrupted. I know not whether this deserves mention, that he is so very Capricious, as to take it for an equal Affront to talk either of kissing or kicking him, which hath occasion'd a Thousand Quarrels: However no body was ever so great a Sufferer for Faults which he nei­ther was, nor possibly could be guilty of.

In his Religion he has thus much of the Qua­ker, that he stands always covered, even in the Presence of the King; in most other Points, a perfect ( 4) Idolater, altho' he endeavours to conceal it; for he is known to offer daily Sacri­fices to certain Subterraneous Nymphs, whom he worships in an humble Posture, prone on his Face, and stript stark Naked, and so leaves his Offerings behind him, which the ( 5) Priests of those Goddesses are careful enough to remove upon certain Seasons, with the utmost Privacy at Midnight, and from thence maintain'd them­selves and Families. In all urgent Necessities and Pressures he applies himself to these Deities, and sometimes even in the Streets and High-ways, from an Opinion that those Powers have an In­fluence in all Places, altho' their peculiar Resi­dence is in Caverns under Ground. Upon these Occasions the fairest Ladies will not refuse to lend their Hands to assist him: For, altho' they are asham'd to have him seen in their Company, or even so much as to hear him Named; yet it is well known, that he is one of their constant Followers.

In Politicks, he always submits to what is uppermost, but he peruses Pamphlets on both [Page 54] Sides with great Impartiality, tho' seldom till every Body else have done with them.

His Learning is of a mixed kind, and he may properly be called a Helluo librorum, or another Jacobus de Voragine: tho' his Studies are chiefly confined to School-men, Commentators, and Ger­man Divines, together with Modern Poetry and Criticks: And he is an Atomick Philosopher, strongly maintaining a Void in Nature, which he seems to have fairly proved by many Ex­periments.

I shall now proceed to describe some peculiar Qualities, which in several Instances seem to distinguish this Person from the common Race of other Mortals.

His Grandfather was a Member of the Rump Parliament, as the Grandson is of the Present, where he often rises, sometimes grumbles but never speaks. However, he lets nothing pass willingly, but what is well digested. His Cou­rage is indisputable, for he will take the boldest Man alive by the Nose.

He is generally the first a Bed in the Family, and the last up, which is to be lamented, because when he happens to rise before the rest, it hath been thought to forebode some good Fortune to his Superiors.

As Wisdom is acquired by Age, so by every new ( 6) Wrinkle in his Face, he is reported to gain some new Knowledge.

In him we may observe the true Effects and Consequences of Tyranny in a State: For, as he is a great Oppressor of all below him, so there is no Body more oppressed by those above him: [Page 55] Yet in this Time, he hath been so highly in Favour, that many Illustrious Persons have been entirely indebted to him for their Prefer­ments.

He hath discovered from his own Experience the true Point wherein all human Actions, Pro­jects, and Designs do chiefly terminate; and how mean and sordid they are at the Bottom.

It behoves the Publick to keep him quiet, for his frequent Murmurs are a certain Sign of intestine Tumults.

No Philosopher ever lamented more the Lu­xury, for which these Nations are so justly taxed; it hath been known to cost him ( 7) Tears of Blood: For in his own Nature he is far from being Profuse, tho' indeed, he never stays a Night at a Gentleman's House without leaving something behind him.

He receives with g eat Submission whatever his Patrons think fit to give him; and when they lay heavy Burthens upon him, which is fre­quently enough, he gets rid of them as soon as he can; but not without some Labour and much Grumbling.

He is a perpetual Hanger-on; yet no Body knows how to be without him. He patiently fuffers himself to be kept under, but loves to be well used, and in that Case will sacrifice his Vitals to give you Ease; and he has hardly one Aquaintance for whom he hath not been Bound; yet, as far as we can find, was never known to lose any thing by it.

[Page 56] He is observ'd to be very ( 8) unquiet in the Company of a Frenchman in New Cloaths, or a young Coquett.

He is, in short the Subject of much Mirth and Raillery, which he seems to take well enough, tho' it hath not been observ'd that ever any good Thing came from himself.

There is so general an Opinion of his Justice, that sometimes very hard Cases are left to his Decision: And while he sits upon them, he carries himself exactly even between both sides, except where some knotty Point arises, and then he is observed to lean a little to the Right or Left as the Matter inclines him, but his Reasons for it are so manifest and convincing, that every Man approves them.

NEWLY arriv'd at this City the famous Artist John Emanuel Schoitz, who to the great Surprize and Satisfaction of all Spe­ctators, is ready to do the following Wonderful Performances, the like before never seen in this Kingdom.

He will heat a Bar of Iron red hot, and thrust it into a barrel of Gunpowder before all the Company, and yet it shall not take fire.

He lets any Gentleman charge a Blunderbuss, with the same Gunpowder, and twelve Leaden Bullets, which Blunderbuss the said Artist dis­charges full in the Face of the said Company, without the least hurt, the Bullets sticking in the Wall behind them.

[Page 60] He takes any Gentleman's own Sword, and runs it through the said Gentleman's Body, so that the Point appears bloody at the back, to all the Spectators; then he takes out the Sword, wipes it clean, and returns it to the owner, who receives no manner of hurt.

He takes a Pot of Scalding Oyl, and throws it by great Ladles full directly at the Ladies, without spoiling their Cloaths or burning their Skins.

He takes any Person of Quality's Child from two Years Old to six, and lets the Child's own Father or Mother take a Pike in their Hands; then the Artist takes the Child in his Arms and tosses it upon the Point of the Pike, where it sticks to the great Satisfaction of all Spectators; and is then taken off without so much as a hole in his Coat.

He mounts upon a Scaffold just over the Spe­ctators, and from thence throws down a great Quantity of large Tiles and Stones, which fall like so many Pillows, without so much as dis­composing either Perukes or Head-dresses.

He takes any Person of Quality up to the said Scaffold, which Person pulls off his Shoes, and leaps nine Foot directly down on a Board prepar'd on Purpose full of sharp Spikes six Inches long, without hurting his Feet or Damaging his Stockings.

He places the said Board on a Chair, upon which a Lady sits down with another Lady in her Lap, while the Spikes instead of entring into the under Lady's flesh, will feel like a Velvet Cushion.

[Page 61] He takes any Person of Quality's Footman, tyes a Rope about his bare Neck, and draws him up by Pullies to the Cieling, and these keeps him hanging as long as his Master or the Com­pany pleases, the said Footman to the Wonder and Delight of all Beholders, with a Pot of Ale in one Hand and a Pipe in the other; and when he is let down, there will not appear the least Mark of the Cord about his Neck.

He bids a Lady's Maid put her finger into a Cup of clear Liquor like Water, upon which her Face and both her Hands are immediately wither'd, like an Old Woman of fourscore, her Belly swells as if she were in a Week of her Time, and her Legs are as thick as Mill-Posts; but upon putting her finger into another Cup, she becomes as Young and Handsome as she was before.

He gives any Gentleman leave to drive forty Twelve-penny Nails up to the Head in a Por­ter's backside, and then places the said Porter on a Loadstone Chair, which draws out every Nail, and the Porter feels no Pain.

He likewise draws the Teeth of half a Dozen Gentlemen, mixes and jumbles them in a Hat, gives any Person leave to blindfold him, and raturns each their own, and fixes them as well as ever.

With his Fore-finger and Thumb he thrusts several Gentlemen's and Lady's Eyes out of their Heads, without the least Pain, at which time they see an unspeakable Number of beauti­ful Colours, and after they are entertain'd to the [Page 62] full, he places them again in their proper Sockets, without any Damage to the sight.

He lets any Gentleman drink a Quart of hot melted Lead, and by a Draught of prepared Liquor, of which he takes part himself, he makes the said Lead pass through the said Gen­tleman before all the Spectators, without any Damage: After which it is produced in a Cake to the Company.

With many other Wonderful Performances of Art, too tedious here to mention.

The said Artist has perform'd before most Kings and Princes in Europe with great Ap­plause.

He Performs every Day (except Sundays) from Ten of the Clock to One in the Forenoon; and from Four till Seven in the Evening, at the New Inn in Smithfield.

The first Seat a British Crown, the second a British Half-Crown, and the lowest a British Shilling.

N. B. The best Hands in Town are to play at the said Show.

BEING call'd upon by several Retailers and Dispensers of Drugs and Medicines about Town, to use our Endeavours a­gainst the Bill now depending, for Viewing, &c. In regard of our common Interest, and in Gra­titude to the said Retailers and Dispensers of Medicines (which we have always found to be very effectual) we presume to lay the following Reasons before the Publick, against the said Bill.

That the Company of Upholders are far from being averse to the giving of Drugs and Me­dicines in general, provided they may be of such Qualities as we require, and administer'd by [Page 69] such Persons in whom our Company justly repose the greatest Confidence: And provided they tend to the Encouragement of Trade, and the Con­sumption of the Woollen Manufacture of this Kingdom.

We beg Leave to observe, that there hath been no Complaint from any of the Nobility, Gentry and Citizens whom we have attended. Our Practice, which consists chiefly in outward Applications, having been always so effectual, that none of our Patients have been oblig'd to undergo a se­cond Operation. Excepting one Gentlewoman; who, after her first Burial, having burthen'd her Husband with a new Brood of posthumous Chil­dren, her second Funeral was by us perform'd without any farther Charges to the said Husband of the deceas'd. And we humbly hope, that one single Instance of this Kind (a Misfortune owing meerly to the Avarice of a Sexton in cutting off a Ring) will not be imputed to any Want of Skill, or Care, in our Company.

We humbly conceive, that the Power by this Bill lodged in the Censors of the College of Physi­cians, to restrain any of His Majesty's Sub­jects from dispensing, and well-disposed Persons from taking what Medicines they please, is a manifest Encroachment on the Liberty and Proper­ty of the Subjects.

As the Company exercising the Trade and Mistery of Upholders, have an undisputed Right in and upon the Bodies of all and every the Sub­jects of the Kingdom; we conceive the passing of this Bill, though not absolutely depriving them of their said Right, might keep them out [Page 70] of Possession by unreasonable Delays, to the great Detriment of our Company and their numerous Families.

We hope it will be consider'd that there are Multitudes of necessitous Heirs and penurious Parents, Persons in pinching Circumstances, with numerous Families of Children, Wives that have lived long, many robust aged Women with great Jointures, elder Brothers with bad Understandings, single Heirs of great Estates, whereby the Collateral Line are for ever ex­cluded, Reversionary Patents, and Reversionary Promises of Preferments, Leases upon Single Lives, and Play-debts upon joint Lives, and that the Persons so aggrieved have no Hope of being speedily relieved any other Way, than by the dispensing of Drugs and Medicines in the Manner they now are; Burying alive being judg'd re­pugnant to the known Laws of this Kingdom.

That there are many of the Deceased, who by certain mechanical Motions and Powers are carried about Town, who would have been put into our Hands long before this Time by any other well-order'd Government; By want of a due Police in this Particular, our Company have been great Sufferers.

That frequent Funerals contribute to preserve the Genealogies of Families and the Honours conferred by the Crown, (which are no where so well illustrated as on this solemn Occasion;) to maintain necessitous Clergy, to enable the Clerks to appear in decent Habits to officiate on Sundays, to feed the great Retinue of sober and melancholy Men who appear at the said Funerals, and who [Page 71] must starve without constant and regular Em­ployment. Moreover we desire it may be re­member'd that by the passing of this Bill the No­bility and Gentry will have their old Coaches lie upon their Hands, which are now employed by our Company.

And we further hope that frequent Funerals will not be discouraged (as is by this Bill pro­posed) it being the only Method left of carrying some People to Church.

We are afraid that by the Hardships of this Bill our Company will be reduced to leave their Business here, and practise at York and Bristol, where the free Use of bad Medicines will be still allowed.

It is therefore hoped that no specious Pretence whatsoever will be thought sufficient to introduce an Arbitrary and Unlimited Power for Peope to live (in Defiance of Art) as long as they can by the Course of Nature, to the Prejudice of our Com­pany, and the Decay of Trade.

That as our Company are like to suffer in some measure by the Power given to Physi­cians to dissect the Bodies of Malefactors, we humbly hope that the Manufacture of Cases for Skeletons will be reserved solely to the Coffin­makers.

We likewise humbly presume that the Inte­rests of the several Trades and Prosessions which depend upon ours, may be regarded; such as that of Hearses, Coaches, Coffins, Epitaphs, and Bell-ropes, Stone-cutters, Feather-men and Bell­ringers; and especially the Manusacturers of Crapes; and the Makers of Snuff, who use [Page 72] great Quantities of old Coffins, and who, con­sider'd in the Consumption of their Drugs, em­ploy by far the greatest Number of Hands of any Manufacture of the Kingdom.

I SUPPOSE every Body is sufficiently ap­priz'd of, and duly prepar'd for the famous Conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this Instant December, 1722, foretold by all the Sages of Antiquity, under the Name of the Annus Mirabilis, or the Metamorphostical Con­junction; a Word which denotes the mutual Transformation of Sexes, (the Effect of that Configuration of the Celestial Bodies) the human Males being to be turn'd into Females, and the human Females into Males.

[Page 74] The Egyptians have represented this great Transformation by several significant Hierogly­phicks, particularly one very remarkable. There are carv'd upon an Obelisk, a Barber and a Midwife; the Barber delivers his Ra­zor to the Midwife, and she her Swadling Cloaths to the Barber. Accordingly Thales Milesius (who, like the rest of his Countrymen, borrow'd his Learning from the Egyptians) af­ter having computed the Time of this famous Conjunction, Then, says he, shall Men and Wo­men mutually exchange the Pangs of Shaving and Child-bearing.

Anaximander modestly describes this Meta­morphosis in mathematical Terms: Then, says he, shall the negative Quantity of the Women be turn'd into positive, their [...] into ✚; (i. e.) their Minus into Plus.

Plato not only speaks of this great Change, but describes all the Preparations towards it. ‘"Long before the bodily Transformation (says he) Nature shall begin the most difficult Part of her Work, by changing the Ideas and Inclinations of the two Sexes: Men shall turn effeminate, and Women manly; Wives shall domineer, and Husbands obey; Ladies shall ride a Horseback, dress'd like Cavaliers; Princes and Nobles appear in Night-rails and Petticoats; Men shall squeak upon Theatres with Female Voices, and Women corrupt Virgins; Men shall knot and cut Paper; and even the Northern People, [...]: A Phrase (which for Modesty's Sake [Page 75] I forbear to translate) which denotes a Vice too frequent amongst us."’ So far Plato.

That the Ministry foresaw this great Change, is plain from the Callico-Act; whereby it is now become the Occupation of the Women all over England, to convert their useless Female Habits into Beds, Window-Curtains, Chairs, and Joint-stools; undressing themselves (as it were) before their Transformation.

The Philosophy of this Transformation will not seem surprising to People, who search into the Bottom of Things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French Lady, has shewn us, how Man was at first created Male and Female in one In­dividual, having the Faculty of Propagation with­in himself: A Circumstance necessary to the State of Innocence, wherein a Man's Happiness was not to depend upon the Caprice of another. It was not till after he had made a saux pas, that he had his Female Mate. Many such Trans­formations of Individuals have been well attested; particularly one by Montaigne, and another by the late Bishop of Salisbury. From all which it appears, that this System of Male and Female has already undergone, and may hereafter suffer several Alterations. Every Smatterer in Anato­my knows, that a Woman is but an introverted Man; a new Fusion and Flatus will turn the hollow Bottom of a Bottle into a Convexity; but I forbear, (for the Sake of my Modest Men Rea­ders, who are in a few Days to be Virgins.)

In some Subjects, the smallest Alterations will do: some Men are sufficiently spread about the Hips, and contriv'd with that Female Softness, [Page 76] that they want only the Negative Quantity to make them Buxom Wenches; and there are Women who are, as it were, already the Ebauche of a good sturdy Man. If Nature cou'd be puz­zl'd, it will be how to bestow the redundant Matter of the exuberant Bubbies that now ap­pear about Town, or how to roll out the short dapper Fellows into well-siz'd Women.

This great Conjunction will begin to operate on Saturday the 29th Instant. Accordingly, a­bout Eight at Night, as Senezino shall begin at the Opera, Si videte, Did you but see? He shall be observed to make an unusual Motion; upon which the Audience will be affected with a red Suffusion over their Countenance: And because a strong Succession of the Muscles of the Belly is necessary towards performing this great Ope­ration, both Sexes will be thrown into a profuse involuntary Laughter; Then (to use the modest Terms of Anaximander) shall negative Quantity be turn'd into positive, &c. Time never beheld, nor will it ever assemble, such a Number of un­touch'd Virgins within those Walls! but alas! such will be the Impatience and Curiosity of People to act in their new Capacity, that many of them will go to pot that very Night. To prevent the Disorders that may happen upon this Occasion, is the chief Design of this Paper.

Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this Conjunction to Compass their filthy Pur­poses. They tell the Ladies forsooth, that it is only parting with a perishable Commodity; hard­ly of so much Value as a Callico Under-petti­coat, [Page 77] since, like its Mistress, it will be useless in the Form it is now in. If the Ladies have no Regard to the Dishonour and Immorality of the Action, I desire they will consider that Nature, who never destroys her own Productions, will exempt big-belly'd Women till the time of their Lying-in; so that not to be transform'd, will be the same as to be pregnant. If they don't think it worth while to defend a Fortress that is to be demolish'd in a few Days, let them reflect that it will be a melancholy thing Nine Months hence, to be brought to Bed of a Bastard; a posthumous Bastard as it were, to which the Quondam Father can be no more than a dry Nurse.

This wonderful Transformation is the Instru­ment of Nature, to balance Matters between the Sexes. The Cruelty of scornful Mistresses shall be return'd; The slighted Maid shall grow into an imperious Gallant, and reward her Undoer with a big Belly, and a Bastard, &c.

It is hardly possible to imagine the Revolutions that this wonderful Phaenomenon will occasion over the Face of the Earth. I long impatiently to see the Proceedings of the Parliament of Paris, as to the Title of Succession to their Crown; this be­ing a Case not provided for by the Salique Law. There will be no preventing Disorders amongst Friars and Monks; for certainly Vows of Cha­stity don't bind but under the Sex in which they were made. The same will hold good with Mar­riages, tho' I think it will be a Scandal amongst Protestants for Husbands and Wives to part, since there remains still a possibility to perform the De­bitum [Page 78] Conjugale by the Husbands being femme Cou­verte. I submit it to the Judgment of the Gen­tlemen of the Long Robe, whether this Transfor­mation does not discharge all Suits of Rapes?

The Pope must undergo a new groping; but the false Prophet Mahomet has contriv'd Matters well for his Successors; for as the Grand Signior has now a great many fine Women, he will then have as many fine young Gentlemen at his Devotion.

These are surprizing Scenes, but I beg leave to affirm, that the solemn Operations of Nature are Subjects of Contemplation, not of Ridicule; there­fore I make it my earnest Request to the merry Fellows, and giggling Girls about Town, that they would not put themselves in a high Twitter, when they go to visit a General Lying in of his first Child; his Officers serving as Midwifes, Nur­ses and Rockers dispensing Caudle; or if they be­hold the Reverend Prelates dressing the Heads and airing the Linnen at Court, I beg they will re­member that these Offices must be fill'd with Peo­ple of the greatest Regularity, and best Characters. For the same Reason, I am sorry that a certain Prelate, who notwithstanding his Confinement, still preserves his healthy, chearful Countenance, cannot come in time to be a Nurse at Court,

I likewise earnestly intreat the Maids of Ho­nour, (then Ensigns and Captains of the Guards) that, at their first setting out, they have some Re­gard to their former Station; and do not run wild through all the infamous Houses about Town. That the present Grooms of the Bed-Chamber (then Maids of Honour) would not eat Chalk and Lime [Page 79] in their Green-Sickness; and in general, that the Men would remember that they are become Re­tremingent, and not by Inadvertency lift up against Walls and Post.

Petticoats will not be burdensome to the Cler­gy; but Balls and Assemblies will be indecent for some Time.

As for you, Coquettes, Bawds, and Chamber­maids, (the future Ministers, Plenipotentaries and Cabinet-Counsellors to the Princes of the Earth) manage the great Intrigues that will be committed to your Charge, with your usual Secrecy and Conduct; and the Affairs of your Master will go better than ever.

O ye Exchange Women! (our Right Wor­shipful Representatives that are to be) be not so griping in the Sale of your Ware as your Predecessors, but consider that the Nation, like a spend-thrift Heir, has run out: Be likewise a little more continent in your Tongues than you are at present, else the Length of Debates will spoil your Dinners.

You Housewifely good Women, who now preside over the Confectionary, (henceforth Com­missioners of the Treasury) be so [...] as to dis­pence the Sugar-Plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal Hand.

Ye Prudes and censorious old Maids, (the Hopes of the Bench) exert but your usual Talent of finding Faults, and the Laws will be strictly exe­cuted; only I would not have you proceed upon such slender Evidences as you have done hitherto.

It is from you, eloquent Oyster-Merchants of Billingsgate, (just ready to be call'd to the Bar, [Page 80] and quoif'd like your Sister-Serjeants,) that we expect the shortening the Time, and lessening the Expences of Law-Suits: For I think you are oblig'd to bring your Debates to a short Issue; and even custom will restrain you from taking the Oyster and leaving only the Shell to your Cli­ents.

O ye Physicians, who in the Figure of old Wo­men are to clean the Tripe in the Markets; scour it as effectually as you have done that of your Patients, and the Town will fare most deliciously on Saturdays.

I cannot but congratulate human Nature, up­on this happy Transformation; the only Expedi­ent left to restore the Liberties and Tranquility of Mankind; which is so evident, that it is al­most an Affront to common Sense to insist upon the Proof of it. If there can be any such stupid Creature who doubts it, I desire he will make but the following obvious Reflection: There are in Europe alone, at present, about a Million of sturdy Fellows, under the Denomination of stan­ding Forces, with Arms in their Hands: That those are Masters of the Lives, Liberties and For­tunes of all the rest, I believe no body will deny. It is no less true in Fact, that Reams of Paper, and above a square Mile of Skins of Vel­lum have been employ'd to no Purpose, to settle Peace amongst those Sons of Violence. Pray, who is he that will say unto them, Go and dis­band your selves? But lo! by this Transformation it is done at once, and the Halcyon Days of pub­lick Tranquility return. For neither the Military Temper nor Dicipline can taint the soft Sex for a [Page 81] whole Age to come. Bellaque matribus invisa' Wars odious now to Mothers, will not grow immediately palatable in their Paternal State.

Nor will the Influence of this Transformation be less in Family-Tranquility, than it is in Natio­nal. Great Faults will be amended, and Frailties forgiven, on both Sides. A Wife who has been disturb'd with late Hours, and choak'd with the Haugoût of a Sot, will remember her Sufferings, and avoid the Temptation; and will, for the same Reason, indulge her Mate in his Female Capacity in some Passions, which she is sensible from Expe­rience are natural to the Sex. Such as Vanity of fine Cloths, being admir'd, &c. And now tender­ly must she use her Mate under the Breeding Qualms and Labour-Pains, which she hath felt her self? In short, all unreasonable Demands upon Husbands must cease, because they are al­ready satisfy'd from natural Experience that they are impossible. That the Ladies may govern the Affairs of the World, and the Gentlemen those of their Houshold, better than either of them have hitherto done, is the hearty desire of,

AENEIDEM to tam, Amice Lector, innumerabilibus poene mendis scaturientem, ad pristinum sensum revocabi­mus. In singulis ferè versibus spuriae occurrunt lecti­ones, in omnibus quos unquam vidi codicibus, aut vul­gatis aut ineditis, ad opprobrium usque Criticorum in hune diem existentes. Interea adverte oculos, & his paucis sruere. At si quae sint in hisce castigationibus, de quibus non satis liquet, syllabarum quantitates, [...] nostra Libro ipsi prae sigenda, ut consulas, monco.

WE shall begin with a Description of Peter the Savage, deferring our other Curiosities to some following Papers.

Romulus and Remus, the two famous wild Men of Antiquity, and Orsin that of the Moderns, have been justly the Admiration of all Mankind: Nor can we presage less of this wild Youth, as may be gather'd from that famous and well known Prophecy of Lilly's, which being now accomplish'd, is most easily interpreted.

The Pope is now going to Benevento: the Spaniards having broke their Treaty; the Em­peror Trades to China; and Lilly, were he alive, must be convinced, that it was not the Empress Faustina that was meant in the Pro­phecy.

It is evident by several Tokens about this wild Gentleman, that he had a Father and Mo­ther like one of us; but there being no Register of his Christening, his Age is only to be guessed at by his Stature and Countenance, and appeareth to be about Twelve or Thirteen. His being so young was the Occasion of the great Disappoint­ment of the Ladies, who came to the Drawing Room in full Expectation of some Attempt upon their Chastity: So far is true, that he endeavour'd to Kiss the young Lady W [...]le, who for that rea­son is become the Envy of the Circle; this being a Declaration of Nature, in favour of her supe­rior Beauty.

Aristotle saith, That Man is the most Mimick of all Animals; which Opinion of that great Philosopher is strongly confirm'd by the Beha­viour of this wild Gentleman, who is endow'd with that Quality to an extream Degree. He receiv'd his first Impressions at Court: His [Page 108] Maners are, first to lick People's Hands, and then turn his Breech upon them; to thurst his Hand into every body's Pocket; to climb over People's Heads; and even to make use of the Royal Hand, to take what he has a mind to. At his first Appearance he seiz'd on the Lord Cham­berlain's Staff, and put on his Hat before the King; from whence some have conjectur'd, that he is either descended from a Grandee of Spain, or the Earls of Kingsale in Ireland. However, these are manifest Tokens of his innate Ambi­tion; he is extreamly tenacious of his own Pro­perty, and ready to invade that of other People. By this mimick Quality he discover'd what wild Beast had nurs'd him: Observing Children to ask Blessing of their Mothers, one Day he fell down upon his Knees to a Sow, and mutter'd some Sounds in that humble Posture.

It has been commonly thought, that he is Ulrick's natural Brother, because of some resem­blance of Manners, and the officious Care of Ul­rick about him; but the Superiority of the Parts and Genius in Peter, demonstrates this to be impossible.

Though he is ignorant both of ancient and mo­dern Languages, (that Care being left to the inge­nious Physician, who is entrusted with his Educa­tion) yet he distinguishes Objects by certain Sounds fram'd to himself, which Mr. Rotenberg, who brought him over, understands perfectly. Behold­ing one day the Shambles with great Fear and Astonishment, ever since he calls Man by the same Sound which expresseth Wolf. A young Lady is a Peacock, old Women Mag-pyes and Owls; a [Page 109] Beau with a Toupee, a Monkey; Glass, Ice; Blue, Red, and Green Ribbons, he calls Rainbows; an Heap of Gold a Turd. The first Ship he saw, he took to be a great Beast swimming on her Back, and her Feet tied above her: The Men that came out of the Hold he took to be her Cubs, and won­der'd they were so unlike their Dam. He under­stands perfectly the Language of all Beasts and Birds, and is not, like them, confin'd to that of one Species. He can bring any Beast what he calls for, and no doubt is much miss'd now in his Na­tive Woods, where he us'd to do good Offices among his Fellow Citizens, and serv'd as a Medi­ator to reconcile their Differences. One Day he warn'd a Flock of Sheep that were driving to the Shambles, of their Danger, and upon uttering some Sounds, they all fled. He takes vast Pleasure in Conversation with Horses; and going to the Meuse to converse with two of his intimate Ac­quaintances in the King's Stable, as he pass'd by, he Neighed to the horse at Charing-Cross; being as it were surpriz'd to see him so high, he seem'd to take it ill that the Horse did not answer him; but I think no body can undervalue his Under­standing for not being skill'd in Statuary.

He expresseth his Joy most commonly by Neighing; and whatever the Philosophers may talk of their Risibility, Neighing is a more No­ble Expression of that Passion than Laughing, which seems to me to have something Silly in it; and besides, is often attended with Tears. Other Animals are sensible they debase themselves, by mimicking Laughter; and I take it to be a general Observation, that the top Felicity of Mankind is [Page 110] to imitate Monkeys, and Birds: Witness Harte­quins, Scaramouches and Masquerades; on the other Hand, Monkeys, when they would look extreamly silly, endeavour to bring themselves down to Mankind. Love he expresseth by the Cooing of a Dove, and Anger by the Croaking of a Raven, and it is not doubted but that he will serve in Time as an Interpreter between us and other Animals.

Great Instruction is to be had from this wild Youth in the knowledge of Simples; and I am of Opinion, that he ought always to attend the Censors of the College in their Visitation of Apo­thecaries Shops.

I am told that the new Sect of Herb-eaters in­tend to follow him into the Fields, or to beg him for a Clerk of their Kitchen: And that there are many of them now thinking of turning their Chil­dren into Woods to Graze with the Cattle, in hopes to raise a healthy and moral Race, refin'd from the Corruptions of this Luxurious World.

He sings naturally several pretty Tunes of his own Composing, and with equal Facility, in the Chromatick, Inharmonick, and Diatonick Stile, and consequently must be of infinite Use to the Academy, in judging of the Merits of their Com­posers, and is the only Person that ought to decide betwixt Cuzzoni and Faustina.

I cannot omit his first Notion of Cloaths, which he took to be the natural Skins of the Crea­tures that wore them, and seem'd to be in great Pain for the pulling off a Stocking, thinking the poor Man was a Fleaing.

I am not ignorant that there are disaffected Peo­ple, [Page 111] who say he is a Pretender, and no genuine wild Man. This Calumny proceeds from the false Notions they have of wild Men, which they frame from such as they see about the Town, whose Actions are rather absurd than wild; therefore it will be incumbent on all young Gentlemen, who are ambitious to excel in this Character, to Copy this true Original of Nature.

The Senses of this wild Man are vastly more acute than those of a tame One; he can follow the Track of a Man, or any other Beast of Prey. A Dog is an Ass to him for finding Troufles; his Hearing is more perfect, because his Ears not ha­ving been confin'd by Bandages, he can move them like a Drill, and turn them towards the So­norous Object.

Let us pray the Creator of all Beings, Wild and Tame, that as this wild Youth, by being brought to Court, has been made a Christian; so such as are at Court, and are no Christians, may lay aside their Savage and Rapacious Nature, and return to the Meekness of the Gospel.

THE great Distress of this unhappy Country, is too visible to all, except those who have Power to redress it.

We may observe thro' the whole Nation one universal Complaint of the Decay of Trade, the Oppression of Landlords, and the Deficiency of Money; and yet I cannot find among all the Schemes proposed to lessen these Evils, any one in particular, which seems likely to succeed.

But, what is still an Addition to this me­lancholy Prospect of Affairs, is the unbounded Luxury and Extravagance, both in Apparel and [Page 113] Entertaiments, which Persons of all Ranks and Degrees run into at present, tho' in general we labour under such Hardships and Poverty.

We are affected in a quite different Manner from all the Nations upon Earth; for, with others, Wealth is the Mother of Luxury, but with us Poverty has the very same Effect: With others, Scarcity is the Parent of Industry, but with us it is the Nurse of Idleness and Vice.

We labour to imitate our neighbouring King­doms in nothing but their Extravagance, with­out having the same plentiful Aids of Commerce, or applying ourselves to the Study of Fair-deal­ing to maintain it. So that, in short, by our own ill Management, we are brought to so low an Ebb of Wealth and Credit, that our Condi­tion seems incapable of any Relief.

But as I have the Interest of this misguided People very much at Heart, I do not intend this Essay as a Detection of their present Grievan­ces, but as a Remedy against them. And for that Purpose I have labour'd to find out such a Scheme as will discharge our publick Debt with all possible Ease and Pleasure to the Subject, and in so short a Time, that we may neither com­plain of being oppressed with long continued Taxes, (as some unreasonable People often pre­sume to do) nor quite despair of being once more in a thriving Condition.

Let us consider what those Vices are, which at present prevail most among us; and I believe, upon Enquiry, they will be found Perjury, For­nication, Drunkenness, Swearing, Slander, Infi­delity, Fraud, Blasphemy, and many others. [Page 114] Would it not then be worthy of our Considerati­on whether a moderate Tax upon every parti­cular Vice, instead of laying an additional Duty upon Wine, Hops, and other Commodities, wou'd not supply us with a sufficient Sum in a very short Time? Such a Tax must of Necessity yield a vast Revenue, and prove the most infallible, and indeed the only Scheme for our Prosperi­ty, if it shall be thought proper to be conti­nued.

But, before I proceed to Particulars, it may not be amiss to premise, that this Tax is not designed for any one County or Province in this Kingdom, but to extend itself universally over the whole Nation; because different Vices may flourish in different Counties, as different Plants in their different Soils; as Perjury in one, Theft in another, Dissimulation and Flattery in an­other, Rapine in another, and so of the rest: However, I take Theft to be our peculiar staple Vice.

And least any Disputes may hereafter arise about the Nature of Perjury, the Intention of the Act in this particular, or what Persons are to be subject to this Tax, I must here also pre­mise, that every Lie confirmed by an Oath, is undoubtedly Perjury, whether before a Ma­gistrate, or behind a Counter. And, therefore, we do not doubt, but the Trading Part of our People, will be great Benefactors to the Pub­lick, in this particular Article, as well as many others.

These two Things being premis'd, let us [Page 115] suppose that in this large Country, 5000 Per­sons are guilty of this Infirmity each Day-Which Computation must be allow'd very mo­derate, if we recollect that this Number is not above a four-hundredth Part of the Inhabitants of this Kingdom, who are generally computed to amount to Two Millions. And if we further consider what strong Inducements our Natives have to practise it, from its being often so ex­ceeding beneficial; if we consider the great Use made of it in all Sorts of Traffick; the great Demands for it in Law-suits; the great Advan­tage of it in Elections, and the undeniable Profit of it in all Prosecutions, we shall think the Num­ber of 5000 still more reasonable.

Let us then suppose every one of this Number to be perjur'd, only once every Day, (which is a very favourable Supposition) and subject only to a Tax of Sixpence for each Offence; for which Sum, perhaps, he may procure either the Death of an Enemy, an Estate for his Friend, or a Fortune for himself, (all which are esteem'd very desirable) the Tax will be too inconsidera­ble to make any one murmur, and yet will yield the Sum of 125 l. per Day, towards discharging our National Debt.

Besides, this Tax, tho' very low, may in Reality be very profitable for Mankind; for At­tornies, Sollicitors, Usurers, Butchers, and other honest Traders, will scarce think it answerable to the Expence of Time, to forswear themselves for any Profit from One Penny to Six Pence in­clusive, (as now customary) but will at least, [Page 116] for every Transgression, expect to gain sufficient to defray the Tax.

However, I would have all sworn Constables, and all Collectors of this and many other Taxes, entirely exempted from any Penalty as priviledg'd Persons; because by that Means they will be enabled to be very serviceable in their several Stations.

Fornication, as the World is at present, would furnish the Publick with a large Sum, even at a very moderate Tax; for it is now made an essential Part of the polite Gentleman's Chara­cter, and he that has prevail'd on the greatest Number, proportionably rises in Reputation.

Let us then compute that in the several Parts of this Nation, 5000 per Day, were liable to be taxed for this general Vice, only at two Shillings: The Sum arising from this to the publick Good, will amount to 500 l. per Day, and in Six Months to almost one Third of our National Debt.

I know it may be here objected, that I have computed upon too small a Number, and that I might justly account rather upon Twenty or Thirty Thousand per Day, in the several Coun­ties of this Kingdom: But, tho' I own this Ob­jection to be very strong, if we were to consider the Opportunities of Wakes, Patron-Days, Hay­making Seasons, May-Days, Religious Pilgrima­ges to Holy Wells, Balls publick and private, and many other commodious Scenes for that kind of Entertainment; yet I would rather chuse to err on the right Side in too small, than too great a Computation.

[Page 117] I know the Popish Clergy will make strong Remonstrances against this Tax; and plead, that it is design'd to oppress them; that all Nations of the Earth allow them a Toleration in this particular Point, as they are frail Mortals, and sworn to Celibacy; and what is still worse, that such a Tax would be the most effectual Means to drain them of their whole Revenues; but as I would not have such pious Persons justly complain of the least Rigour, I shall readily agree to their being exempted.

Drunkenness I would only Tax at Six Pence, because it might be prejudicial to His Majesty's Revenue, to discourage it, and consequently sub­ject the Proposer to Penalties.

Let us then compute, that only Twenty Thousand Persons, (which is but one hundredth Part of the People in this Kingdom) were daily liable to be tax'd, the Amount would be 500 l. per Day. And how extreamly moderate this Computation is, may appear to any one who considers, that besides the usual Opportunities of Taverns, and private Houses, there are Ele­ctions, Fairs, Mayor's Feasts, University Treats, Corporation Dinners, Christmas Regales, Wed­dings and Christnings, both in Town and Coun­try, and many other irresistible Inducements to this manly Vice, which would, perhaps, if nice­ly calculated, daily furnish us with two Thirds more than our computed Number, and by that Means greatly conduce to the Publick Good.

But, however, I would by all Means exempt all Country Justices of the Peace, whether [Page 118] Squires or Parsons: because it would be unseem­ly to see such honourable and reverend Persona­ges insulted by meaner Officers, as often as they might be discover'd in such a Condition.

Swearing would be a most universal Benefit in this Case; because, at present, it serves to season the Discourse of all Ranks and Degrees of Men. It is the principal Ingredient and Decoration of all modern Jokes, Gibes, Quarrels, Love-Speeches, Disputes, Threats and Promises, and consequently capable of affording an incredible Revenue.

However, let us suppose 40000 Persons per Day, liable to the Tax of Six Pence only for each Offence of this Kind; which, considering the great Number of Markets, Coffee-Houses, Shambles, Barracks, and Gaming-Houses in this Kingdom, is a very inconsiderable Number; yet even this Article will furnish us with 1000 l. per Day, which would amount to near two Thirds of the publick Debt.

Our Laws have amerced each Offence in this way at One Shilling, ordering one half to the Informer, and the other to the Poor, which, in my humble Opinion, was very ill concerted; for if the Legislature did really intend that this Law should be punctually enforced, they ought to have divided the whole Mulct between the In­former and the Justice, without any regard to the Poor, and then, they might be assured, it would be vigorously executed.

I am already apprehensive, that all military Persons will expect an Exemption from Taxes on this Account; because they may plead Pre­cedents [Page 119] for many Generations, may alledge the Power of Custom, the Decency and Comliness of it, when properly mingled with other Dis­course, or that the censorious World would per­haps suspect they knew nothing of God at all, if they did not sometimes mention his Name; and many other Reasons of equal Weight: But though these Remonstrances are very just, yet as this is the only Means by which, some think a Standing Army can conduce to the national Good, it will be hard to exempt them.

However, as the military Power would infal­libly be liable to this Tax in all its Branches, by which Means they might be utterly impove­rish'd, I believe it may not be improper to al­low all Foot-Soldiers and Field-Officers, all young Ensigns, spruce Cornets, naval Captains, Cabin-Boys and Quarter-Masters, forty or fifty Oaths a Day, entirely free from any Tax or Pe­nalty.

As for Slander, supposing only twenty thou­sand per Day, taxed at Six Pence for every Of­fence, this Article would daily afford the Publick (at the lowest reasonable Computation) five hun­dred Pounds.

And, as this is a favourite Talent, we might have ventur'd to tax it much higher; but I would not seem to discourage so charitable a Dis­position, especially where it may promote the Interest of my Country.

As to the Ladies, I have been always too great an Admirer of theirs, to desire any Re­striction should be laid on their Pleasure, either private or publick; and therefore I would have [Page 120] them tax'd only half as much as the Men for every little Error of this Kind; because Slan­der, in Men, is a Talent unnatural and acquired, and generally practised to ingratiate themselves with the opposite Sex; whereas this genteel Fail­ing in Females, is innate, and impossible to be restrain'd; which is a Case that demands our ut­most Compassion.

I think all Drawing-Rooms, Assemblies, and all Places of publick Resort for Ladies, ought to be exempt from any Penalty, because it is so ma­terial a Part of the Discourse and Amusement of those Places, that to tax them for each Offence, would be in Effect, to enjoin them perpetual Si­lence; which, if it were possible, would be too great a Misfortune, both to themselves and the World, to be exacted from them.

Infidelity and Blasphemy would furnish us with a considerable Sum; and as they are not originally of our own Growth, but annually imported from neighbouring Kingdoms, they ought to be subject to some Duty, which in few Years would probably be a vast Addition to the publick Revenue. Yet as this Traffick is prin­cipally carried on by young Lawyers, and tra­velling Squires, any Attempt to tax it would certainly meet with too vigorous an Opposition. But on condition it might pass into a Law, I would gladly exempt both Lawyers of all Ages, Subaltern, and Field-Officers, young Heirs, Dan­cing-Masters, Pick-Pockets, and Players,

Let us now only consider the several Sums arising from the Tax on our Vices, as we have before computed them, and the Justness and [Page 121] Infallibility of this Scheme must appear demon­strably.

which in 182 Days or half a Year, will amount to 477,750 l. which is considerably more than our National Debt.

But, left by the universal Poverty of our People, which is much to be fear'd, or by their growing more virtuous, which never can be reasonably ap­prehended, this daily Income should fall short of what we have computed, I must humbly beg Leave to offer some other Improvements of this Scheme, which will undoubtedly answer all Defi­ciencies.

And for this Purpose, what if a severe Tax was laid on all manner of Persons who presum'd to marry 'till they were full Forty Years old? If any should prove Fool-hardy enough to transgress a Law so calculated for the Happiness of Men, each Offence would be of signal Benefit to the Publick; and if providentially it should prove an effectual [Page 122] Restraint, there must of Necessity be fewer Chil­dren in each Family, and of Consequence the Number of Beggars and Wretches in this King­dom must proportionably decrease. And what would still be more material, perhaps, in one Age, if this beneficial Act should be continued, the greatest part of this Country would require to be new peopled from E [...]d; a Circumstance greatly to be wish'd; because such an Accident would probably cure that Nation of its inveterate Antipathy to the Inhabitants of this, at least for some Generations.

As for the Scheme to tax Batchelors, which has lately been propos'd to the House by one of its Honourable Members, I must beg leave to think it highly improper; because batchelors, of all Ranks and Degrees, are real Benefactors to the Publick, by not furnishing it either with Beggars, or Oppres­sors of Beggars, one of which must infallibly be the Consequence of Marriage in this Country.

I would also earnestly request, that all young Clergymen, who, with more Passion than Pru­dence, shall dare to marry before they are bene­fic'd, may be liable to a most severe Tax, equal to a Prohibition; because such Offenders must inevitably multiply Beggars, live in Contempt, and die in Poverty.

These, and many other Expedients, might ea­sily be found upon any Emergency to furnish con­siderable Sums for the National Debt.

But as there will remain about 177,750 l. over and above our publick Debt, I will allow One Hundred Thousand Pounds of it for Sallaries, to [Page 123] such Persons as shall be appointed Collectors, and I hope this will be a reasonable Provision, tho' ge­nerally above one half of every Tax is expended in paying proper Officers to collect it. The Overplus may be deposited in the Treasury for any other pious Use.

And if this Scheme should be so fortunate as to succeed, as I have no Reason to doubt from the present Disposition of the H [...] of C [...]s, all those Noblemen who shall be appointed Commissi­oners, will have excellent Opportunities of pro­moting their Nephews, Cousins, Footmen, Foster­ers, Valets, and other valuable Dependants, to good Incomes, and Places of Trust and Credit. But I would, by all Means, have none but En­glishmen nominated to be Tax Gatherers; because we may rationally suppose, that they will be en­tirely free from Prejudice, in Favour of the Na­tives of this Kingdom.

Thus would a moderate Tax upon our Vices ap­parently contribute to save this Nation from utter Ruin. Many Persons who have not the least Ex­cuse for their Irregularities at present, (except the commendable Publick-spirited Contempt for Reli­gion) might then plead in their own Defence, that their Immoralities had preserved their Coun­try. And by this Means we might be furnish'd with a Multitude of Patriots, who probably would never prove so in any other Respect.

But I must humbly beg leave to dissent from that religious Gentleman, the excellent Author of the Fable of the Bees; though, perhaps, such a Particularity of Opinion may injure my Character [Page 124] with several of my Lay-brethren of most Profes­sions; and I must publickly declare, that there can be no other Method half so good as mine, to make Private Vices Publick Benefits.

IT is a melancholy Object to those, who walk through this great Town or travel in the Coun­try, when they see the Streets, the Roads and Cabbin-doors crowded with Beggars of the Female Sex, followed by three, four, or six Children, all in Rags, and importuning every Passenger for an Alms. These Mothers instead of being able to work for their honest livelyhood, are forced to employ all their time in Stroling to beg Sustenance for their helpless Infants, who, as they grow up, either turn Thieves for want of Work, or leave their dear Native Country, to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.

[Page 126] I think it is agreed by all Parties, that this pro­digious number of Children in the Arms, or on the Backs, or at the Heels of their Mothers, and fre­quently of their Fathers, is in the present deplora­ble state of the Kingdom, a very great additional Grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these Children sound and useful Members of the Com­mon-wealth, would deserve so well of the Publick, as to have his Statue set up for a Preserver of the Nation.

But my Intention is very far from being confi­ned to provide only for the Children of professed Beggars, it is of a much greater Extent, and shall take in the whole Number of Infants at a certain Age, who are born of Parents in effect as little able to support them, as those who demand our Chari­ty in the Streets.

As to my own Part, having turned my Thoughts, for many Years, upon this important Subject, and maturely weighed the several Schemes for no Projectors, I have always found them gross­ly mistaken in their Computation. It is true, a Child just dropt from its Dam, may be supported by her Milk, for a Solar Year with little other Nou­rishment, at most not above the Value of two Shil­lings, which the Mother may certainly get, or the Value in Scraps, by her lawful Occupation of Begging; and it is exactly at one Year Old that I propose to provide for them in such a Manner, as, instead of being a Charge upon their Parents, or the Parish, or wanting Food and Raiment for the rest of their Lives, they shall, on the Contrary, contribute to the feeding, and partly to the [Page 127] Cloathing of many Thousands.

There is likewise another great Advantage in my Scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary Abortions, and that horrid Practice of Women murdering their Bastard Children, alas! too fre­quent among us, Sacrificing the poor innocent Babes, I doubt, more to avoid the Expence than the Shame, which would move Tears and Pity in the most savage and inhuman Breast.

The number of Souls in this Kingdom being usually reckoned one Million and a half. Of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thou­sand Couple whose Wives are Breeders; from which number I substract thirty Thousand Cou­ples, who are able to maintain their own Children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present Distresses of the Kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy Thousand Breeders. I again substract fifty Thousand, for those Women who miscarry, or whose Children die by accident, or disease within the Year. There only remain an hundred and twenty thousand Children of poor Parents an­nually born: The question therefore is, How this number shall be reared, and provided for? which, as I have already said, under the present Situation of Affairs, is utterly impossible by all the Methods hitherto proposed; for we can neither employ them in Handicraft or Agriculture; we neither build Houses, (I mean in the Country) nor cul­tivate Land: They can very seldom pick up a Livelihood by Stealing 'till they arrive at six years old; except where they are of towardly parts; although, I confess, they learn the Rudiments [Page 128] much earlier; during which time they can how­ever be properly looked upon only as Probationers; as I have been informed by a principal Gentleman in the County of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never knew above one or two Instances under the Age of six, even in a part of the King­dom so renowned for the quickest Proficiency in that Art.

I am assured by our Merchants, that a Boy or a Girl before twelve years old, is no saleable Commodity, and even when they come to this Age, they will not yield above three Pounds, or three Pounds and half a Crown at most, on the Exchange; which cannot turn to Account either to the Parents or Kingdom, the Charge of Nutriment and Rags having been at least four times that Value.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own Thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least Objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing Ame­rican of my Acquaintance in London, that a young healthy Child well Nursed, is, at a Year old, a most delicious nourishing and wholesome Food, whether Stewed, Roasted, Baked, or Boiled, and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a Fricasie, or a Ragoust.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick Con­sideration, that of the Hundred and twenty thousand Children, already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for Breed, whereof only one fourth Part to be Males; which is more than we allow to Sheep, black Cattle, or Swine, and my Reason is, that these Children are seldom the Fruits of Marriage, a Circumstance not much [Page 129] regarded by our Savages, therefore, one Male will be sufficient to serve four Females. That the remaining Hundred thousand may at a Year old, be offered in Sale to the Persons of Qua­lity and Fortune, through the Kingdom, al­ways advising the Mother to let them Suck plen­tifully in the last Month, so as to render them Plump, and Fat for a good Table. A Child will make two Dishes at an Entertainment for Friends, and when the Family dines alone, the fore or hind Quarter will make a reasonable Dish, and seasoned with a little Pepper or Salt will be very good Boiled on the fourth Day, especially in Winter.

I have reckoned upon a Medium, that a Child just born will weigh 12 Pounds, and in a solar Year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28 Pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for Landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the Parents, seem to have the best Title to the Children.

Infant's flesh will be in Season throughout the Year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave Au­thor, an eminent French Physician, that Fish being a prolifick Dyet, there are more Children born in Roman Catholick Countries about nine Months after Lent, than at any other Season; therefore reckoning a Year after Lent, the Mar­kets will be more glutted than usual, because the Number of Popish Infants, is at least three to one in this Kingdom, and therefore it will have one other Collateral Advantage, by lessening the Number of Papists among us.

[Page 130] I have already computed the Charge of nur­sing a Beggar's Child (in which List I reckon all Cottagers, Labourers, and four-fifths of the Far­mers) to be about two Shillings per Annum, Rags included; and I believe no Gentleman would repine to give Ten Shillings for the Carcass of a good fat Child, which, as I have said, will make four Dishes of excellent Nutritive Meat, when he hath only some particular Friend, or his own Family to dine with him. Thus the Squire will learn to be a good Landlord, and grow popular among his Tenants, the Mother will have Eight Shillings neat Profit, and be fit for Work 'till she produces another Child.

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the Times require) may flea the Carcass; the Skin of which, Artificially dressed, will make admirable Gloves, for Ladies, and Summer Boots for fine Gentlemen.

As to our City of Dublin, Shambles may be appointed for this purpose, in the most conve­nient Parts of it, and Butchers we may be assu­red will not be wanting; although I rather re­commend buying the Children alive, and dressing them hot from the Knife, as we do roasting Pigs.

A very worthy Person, a true Lover of his Country, and whose Virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on this Matter, to offer a Refinement upon my Scheme. He said, that many Gentlemen of this Kingdom, having of late destroyed their Deer, he conceived that the Want of Venison might be well supply'd by the Bodies of young Lads and Maidens, not ex­ceeding [Page 131] fourteen Years of Age, nor under twelve; so great a Number of both Sexes in every Coun­try being now ready to starve for want of Work and Service: And these to be disposed of by their Parents if alive, or otherwise by their nearest Re­lations. But with due deference to so excellent a Friend, and so deserving a Patriot, I cannot be altogether in his Sentiments; for as to the Males, my American Acquaintance assured me from frequent Experience, that their Flesh was generally Tough and Lean, like that of our School-boys, by continual Exercise, and their Taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not answer the Charge. Then as to the Females, it would, I think, with humble Submission, be a Loss to the Publick, because they soon would become Breeders themselves: And besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous People might be apt to Censure such a Practice, (although in­deed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon Cruelty, which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest Objection against any Pro­ject, how well soever intended.

But in order to justify my Friend, he confes­sed, that this Expedient was put into his Head by the famous Sallmanaazor, a Native of the Island Formosa, who came from thence to London, above twenty Years ago, and in Conversation told my Friend, that in his Country, when any young Person happened to be put to Death, the Executioner sold the Carcass to Persons of Qua­lity, as a prime Dainty, and that, in his Time, the Body of a plump Girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an Attempt to poison the Emperor, [Page 132] was sold to his Imperial Majesty's prime Minister of State, and other great Mandarins of the Court, in Joints from the Gibbet, at four hundred Crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same Use were made of several plump young Girls in this Town, who without one single Groat to their Fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a Chair, and appear at a Play-house, and Assemblies in fo­reign Fineries, which they never will pay for; the Kingdom would not be the worse.

Some Persons of a desponding Spirit are in great Concern about that vast Number of poor People, who are Aged, Diseased, or Maimed, and I have been desired to employ my Thoughts what Course may be taken, to ease the Nation of so grievous an Incumbrance. But I am not in the least Pain upon that Matter, because it is very well known, that they are every Day dy­ing, and rotting, by Cold and Famine, and Filth, and Vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expect­ed. And as to the young Labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a Condition. They cannot get Work, and consequently pine away for want of Nourishment, to a degree, that if at any Time they are accidentally hired to com­mon Labour, they have not Strength to perform it, and thus the Country and themselves are hap­pily delivered from the Evils to come.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my Subject, I think the Advantages by the Proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest Importance.

For First, as I have already observed, it would [Page 133] greatly lessen the Number of Papists, with whom we are Yearly over-run, being the principal Bree­ders of the Nation, as well as our most dangerous Enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a Design to deliver the Kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their Advantage by the Absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their Country, than stay at home, and pay Tithes against their Conscience, to an Epis­copal Curate.

Scecondly, The poorer Tenants will have some­thing valuable of their own, which by Law may be made liable to Distress, and help to pay their Landlord's Rent, their Corn and Cattle being al­ready seized, and Money a thing unknown.

Thirdly, Whereas the Maintainance of an hun­dred thousand Children, from two Years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than Ten Shillings a piece per Annum, the Nation's Stock will be thereby encreased fifty thousand Pounds per Annum, besides the Profit of a new Dish, in­troduced to the Tables of all Gentlemen of Fortune in the Kingdom, who have any Refinement in Taste, and the Money will circulate among our Selves, the Goods being entirely of our own Growth and Manufacture.

Fourthly, The constant Breeders, besides the Gain of eight Shillings Sterling per Annum, by the Sale of their Children, will be rid of the Charge of maintaining them after the first Year.

[Page 134] Fifthly, This Food would likewise bring great Custom to Taverns, where the Vintners will cer­tainly be so prudent as to procure the best Receipts for dressing it to Perfection; and consequently have their Houses frequented by all the fine Gen­tlemen, who justly value themselves upon their Knowledge in good Eating; and a skilful Cook, who understands how to oblige his Guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

Sixthly, This would be a great Inducement to Marriage, which all wise Nations have either en­couraged by Rewards, or enforced by Laws and Penalties. It would encrease the Care and Tender­ness of Mothers towards their Children, when they were sure of a Settlement for Life, to the poor Babes, provided in some Sort by the Publick, to their annual Profit instead of Expence; we should soon see an honest Emulation among the married Women, which of them could bring the fat­test Child to the Market. Men would become as fond of their Wives, during the Time of their Pregnancy, as they are now of their Mares in Foal, their Cows in Calf, or Sows when they are ready to farrow, nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a Practice) for fear of a Miscar­riage.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For Instance, the Addition of some thousand Car­casses in our exportation of Barrel'd Beef: The Pro­pagation of Swines Flesh, and Improvement in the Art of making good Bacon, so much wanted among us by the great Destruction of Pigs, too frequent at our Tables, which are no way comparable in [Page 135] Taste, or Magnificence to a well grown, fat Yearly Child, which roasted whole will make a considerable Figure at a Lord Mayor's Feast, or any other Publick Entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit, being studious of Brevity.

Supposing that one thousand Families in this City, would be constant Customers for Infants Flesh, besides others who might have it at merry Meetings, particularly at Weddings and Christen­ings, I compute that Dublin would take off Annu­ally about twenty thousand Carcasses and the rest of the Kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty Thou­sand.

I can think of no one Objection, that will pos­sibly be raised against this Proposal, unless it should be urged, that the Number of People will be thereby much lessened in the Kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal De­sign in offering it to the World. I desire the Reader will observe, that I calculate my Remedy for this one individual Kingdom of IRELAND, and for no Other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no Man talk to me of other Expedients: Of taxing our Absentees at five Shillings a Pound: Of using neither Cloaths, nor Houshold Furniture, except what is of our own Growth and Manufacture: Of utterly re­jecting the Materials and Instruments that promote Foreign Luxury: Of curing the Expensiveness of Pride, Vanity, Idleness, and Gameing in our Wo­men: Of introducing a Vein of Parcimony, Prudence and Temperance: Of learning to love our Country, wherein we differ even from LAPLANDERS, [Page 136] and the Inhabitants of TOPINAMBOO: Of quitting our Animosities, and Factions, nor act any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one an­other at the very moment their City was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our Country and Con­sciences for nothing: Of teaching Landlords to have at least one Degree of Mercy towards their Tenants, Lastly, Of putting a Spirit of Honesty, Industry, and Skill into our Shop-keepers, who, if a Resolution, could now be taken to buy only our Native Goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the Price, the Measure, and the Goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair Proposal of just Dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no Man talk to me of these and the like Expedients, 'till he hath at least some Glimpse of Hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere Attempt to put them in Practice.

But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many Years with offering vain, idle, visionary Thoughts, and at length utterly desparing of Suc­cess, I fortunately fell upon this Proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something Solid and Real, of no Expence and little Trouble, full in our own Power, and whereby we can incur no Danger in disobliging ENGLAND. For this kind of Commodity will not bear Exportation, the Flesh being of too tender a Consistence, to admit a long Continuance in Salt, although perhaps I could name a Country, which would be glad to eat up our whole Nation without it.

After all, I am not so violently bent upon my [Page 137] own Opinion, as to reject any Offer, proposed by wise Men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that Kind shall be advanced in Contradiction to my Scheme, and offering a better, I desire the Author or Authors, will be pleased maturely to consider two Points. First, As things now stand, how they will be able to find Food and Raiment for a hundred Thousand useless Mouths and Backs. And Secondly, There being a round Million of Crea­tures in Humane Figure, throughout this King­dom, whose whole subsistence put into a common Stock, would leave them in Debt two Millions of Pounds Sterling, adding those, who are Beggars by Profession, to the Bulk of Farmers, Cottagers and Labourers, with their Wives and Children, who are Beggars in effect; I desire those Politi­cians, who dislike my Overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an Answer, that they will first ask the Parents of these Mortals, Whether they would not at this Day think it a great Happiness to have been sold for Food at a Year old, in the man­ner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual Scene of Misfortunes, as they have since gone through, by the Oppression of Landlords, the Impossibility of paying Rent without Money or Trade, the Want of common Sustenance, with neither House nor Cloaths to cover them from the Inclemencies of the Weather, and the most ine­vitable Prospect of intailing the like, or greater Miseries upon their Breed for ever.

I prosess in the Sincerity of my Heart, that I have not the least Personal Interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary Work, having no other [Page 138] Motive than the Publick Good of my Country, by ad­vancing our Trade, providing for Infants, relieving the Poor, and giving some pleasure to the Rich. I have no Children, by which I can propose to get a single Penny; the youngest being nine Years Old, and my Wife past Child-boaring.

IN order to treat this important Subject with the greatest Fairness and Impartiality, perhaps it may be convenient to give some Account of his Excellency, in whose Life and Character there are certain Particulars which might suggest a very just Suspicion of some Truth in the Accusation he lies under.

He is descended from two noble, ancient, and most loyal Families, the Carterets and the Gran­villes, too much distinguished, I confess, for [Page 140] what they acted, and what they suffered in de­fending the former Constitution in Church and State, under King Charles the Martyr; I mean that very Prince, on Account of whose Martyr­dom a Form of Prayer with Fasting was enjoin'd by Act of Parliament, to be used on the Thirtieth Day of January every Year, to implore the Mercies of God, that the Guilt of that sacred and innocent Blood, &c. might not be visited on us or our Poste­rity, as we may read at large in our Common-Prayer-Books, which Day hath been solemnly kept, even within the Memory of many Men now alive.

His Excellency the present Lord, was educa­ted in the University of Oxford; from thence, with a Singularity scarce to be justified, he carri­ed away more Greek, Latin, and Philosophy, than properly became a Person of his Rank; in­deed, much more of each, than most of those who are forc'd to live by their Learning, will be at the unnecessary Pains to load their Heads with.

This was the Rock he split on upon his first Appearance in the World, just got clear of his Guardians. For as soon as he came to Town, some Bishops and Clergymen, and other Persons most eminent for Learning and Parts, got him among them, from whom, though he were fortunately dragg'd by a Lady and the Court, yet he could never wipe off the Stain, nor wash out the Tincture of his University Acquirements and Disposition.

To this another Missortune was added, That it pleased God to endow him with great natural [Page 141] Talents, Memory, Judgment, Comprehension, Eloquence, and Wit; and to finish the Work, all these were fortify'd, even in his Youth, with the advantages received by such Employments, as are best fitted, both to exercise and polish the Gifts of Nature and Education, having been Ambassador in several Courts, when his Age would hardly allow him to take a Degree, and made Principal Secretary of State at a Period, when, according to Custom, he ought to have been busied in losing his Money at a Chocolate­house, or in other Amusements, equally laudable and epidemick among Persons of Honour.

I cannot omit another weak Side in his Excel­lency, for it is known, and can be proved upon him, that Greek and Latin Books might be found every Day in his Dressing-Room, if it were care­fully searched; and there is Reason to suspect, that some of the said Books have been privately convey'd to him by Tory Hands. I am likewise assured, that he hath been taken in the very Fact of reading the said Books, even in the midst of a Session, to the great Neglect of publick Affairs.

I own, there may be some Grounds for this Charge, because I have it from good Hands, that when his Excellency is at Dinner with one or two Scholars at his Elbows, he grows a most insupport­able and unintelligible Companion to all the sine Gentlemen round the table.

I cannot deny, that his Excellency lies under another great Disadvantage; for besides all the Accomplishments abovementioned, having that of a most comely and graceful Person, he hath, du­ring the Prime of Youth, Spirits and Vigour, in [Page 142] a most exemplary Manner led a regular, dome­stick Life, discover'd a great Esteem, Friendship and Love for his Lady, as well as a true Affection for his Children: And when he is dispos'd to ad­mit an entertaining Evening Companion, he doth not always enough reflect whether the Person may possibly in former Days have lain under the Impu­tation of a Tory? Nor at such Times do the natu­ral or affected Fears of Popery and the Pretender make any Part of the Conversation: I presume, because neither Homer, Plato, Aristotle, nor Ci­cero, have made any mention of them.

These I freely acknowledge to be his Excellen­cy's Failings; yet, I think, it is agreed by Phi­losophers and Divines, that some Allowance ought to be given to human Infirmity, and the Prejudices of a wrong Education.

I am well aware how much my Sentiments differ from the orthodox Opinion of one or two principal Patriots; for these have decided the Matter directly against me, by declaring, that no Person, who was ever known to lie under the Sus­picion of one single Tory Principle, or who had been once seen at a great Man's Levee in the worst of Times, should be allow'd to come within the Verge of the Castle; much less to bow in the Anti-Chamber, appear at the Assemblies, or dance at a Birth-Night. However, I dare assert, that this Maxim hath been often controul'd, and that, on the contrary, a considerable Number of early Penitents have been received into Grace, who are now an Ornament, Happiness, and Sup­port to the Nation.

Neither do I find any Murmuring on some [Page 143] other Points of greater Importance, where this favourite Maxim is not so strictly observed.

To instance only in one. I have not heard that any Care hath hitherto been taken to discover whether ^*Madam Violante be a Whig or Tory in her Principles, or even that she hath ever been offer'd the Oaths to the Governmem t; on the con­trary, I am told, that she openly professeth her­self to be a High-Flyer; and it is not improbable, but by her Outlandish Name she may also be a Pa­pist in her Heart. Yet we see this illu strious and dangerous Female openly caress'd by principal Per­sons of both Parties, who contribute to support her in a splendid Manner, without the least Ap­prehensions from a Grand Jury. And as Hobbs wise­ly observes, so much Money being equivalent to so much Power, it may deserve considering with what Safety such an Instrument of Power ought to be trusted in the Hands of an Alien, who hath not given any legal Security for her good Affection to the Government.

I confess there is one Evil, which I could wish our Friends would think proper to redress. There are many Whigs in this Kingdom of the old­fashion'd Stamp, of whom we might make very good Use; they bear the same Loyalty with us. to the Hanoverian Family, in the Person of King George the Second; the same Abhorrence of the Pretender, with the Consequents of Popery and Slavery; and the same Indulgence to tender Con­sciences; but having nothing to ask for them­selves, and consequently the more Leisure to think for the Publick; they are often apt to en­tertain [Page 144] Fears and melancholy Prospects concer­ning the State of their Country, the Decay of Trade, the Want of Money, the miserable Con­dition of the People, with other Topicks of like Nature, all which do equally concern both Whig and Tory, who, if they have any Thing to lose, must be equally Sufferers. Perhaps one or two of these melanchly Gentlemen will sometimes ven­ture to publish their Thoughts in Print: Now, I can by no Means approve our usual Custom of cursing and railing at this Species of Thinkers, un­der the Names of Tories, Jacobites, Papists, Li­bellers, Rebels, and the like.

This was the utter Ruin of that poor, angry, bustling, well-meaning Mortal Pistorides, who lies equally under the Contempt of both Parties, with no other Difference than a Mixture of Pity on one Side and of Aversion on the other.

How hath he been pelted, pester'd and pounded by one single Wag, who promiseth never to for­sake him living or dead.

I was much pleased with the Humour of a Sur­geon in this Town, who, having in his own Ap­prehensions received some great Injustice from the Earl of Galloway, and desparing of Revenge, as well as Relief, declared to all his Friends, that he had set apart a hundred Guineas to purchase the Earl's Carcass from the Sexton, whenever I T should die, to make a Skeleton of the Bones, stuff the Hide, and shew them for three Pence; and thus get Vengeance for the Injuries he had suffer'd by the owner.

Of the like Spirit too often is that implacable Race of Wits, against whom there is no Defence [Page 145] but Innocence and Philosophy, neither of which is likely to be at Hand, and therefore the Wound­ed have no where to fly for a Cure, but to down­right Stupidity, a crazed Head, or a profligate Contempt of Guilt and Shame.

I am therefore sorry for that other miserable Creature ^* Traulus, who altho' of somewhat a dif­ferent Species, yet seems very far to out-do even the Genius of Pistorides in that miscarrying Talent of Railing without Consistency or Discretion, against the most innocent Persons, according to the present Situation of his Gall and Spleen. I do not blame an honest Gentleman for the bitterest Invectives against one to whom he professeth the greatest Friendship, provided he acts in the Dark, so as not to be discovered; but in the midst of Caresses, Visits, and Invitations, to run into the Streets, or to as publick a Place, and without the least pretended Incitement, sputter out the basest and falsest Accusations, then to wipe his Mouth, come up smiling to his Friend, shake him by the Hand, and tell him in a Whisper, it was all for his Service: This Proceeding I am bold to think a great Failure in Prudence, and I am afraid lest such a Practitioner, with a Body so open, so foul, and so full of Sores, may fall under the Resentmen of an incens'd political Surgeon, who is not in much Renown for his Mercy upon great Provocation, who without waiting for his Death, will flay and dissect him alive, and to the View of Mankind lay open all the disorder'd Cells of his Brain, the Vonom of his Tongue, the Corruption of his [Page 146] Heart, and Spots and Flatuses of his Spleen—and all this for three Pence.

In such a Case, what a Scene would be laid open? And to drop my Metaphor, what a Cha­racter of our mistaken Friend might an angry Enemy draw and expose? Particularizing that unnatural Conjunction of Vices and Follies so in­consistent with each other in the same Breast: Furious and fawning, scurrilous and flattering, cowardly and provoking, insolent and abject; most profligately salse, with the strongest Profes­sions of Sincerity; positive and variable, tyran­nical and slavish.

In vain would his Excusers endeavour to pal­liate his Enormities, by imputing them to Mad­ness, beause it is well knowm, that Madness on­ly operates by inflaming and enlarging the good or evil Dispositions of the Mind; for the Curators of Bedlam assure us, that some Lunaticks are Persons of Honour, Truth, Benevolence, and ma­ny other Virtues, which appear in their highest Ravings, although after a wild incoherent Man­ner, while others on the contrary discover in every Word and action the utmost Baseness and Depravity of human Minds; which infallibly they possessed in the same Degree, although per­haps under a better Regulation, before their En­trance into that Academy.

But it may be objected, that there is an Argu­ment of much more Force to excuse the Over­flowings of that zeal which our Friend shews or means for our Cause. And it must be confessed, that the easy and smooth Fluency of his Elocution bestowed on him by Nature, and cultivated by [Page 147] continual Practice, added to the Comelyness of his Person, the Harmony of his Voice, the Graceful­ness of his Manner, and the Decency of his Dress, are Temptations too strong for such a Genius to resist upon any publick Occasion of making them appear with universal Applause. And if good Men are sometimes accused of loving their Jest better than their Friend, surely to gain the Reputation of the first Orator in the Kingdom, no Man of Spirit would scruple to lose all the Friends he had in the World.

It is usual for Masters to make their Boys de­claim on both Sides of an Argument; and as some kinds of Assemblies are called the Schools of Principles, I confess nothing can better improve political School-Boys, than the Art of making plausible or implausible Harangues against the very Opinion for which they resolve to determine.

So Cardinal Perron, after having spoke for an Hour to the Admiration of all his Hear­ers, to prove the Existence of God, told some of his Intimates, that he could have spoken another Hour, and much better, to prove the contrary.

To return from this long Digression: If Persons in high Sations have been allow'd to chuse Mistresses, without Regard even to Dif­ference in Religion, yet never incurred the least Reflection on their Loyalty or their Protestan­tism; shall the chief Govenour of a great Kingdom be censured for chusing a Companion, who may formerly have been suspected for dif­fering from the Orthodox in some speculative Opinions of Persons and Things, which cannot [Page 148] affect the fundamental Principles of a sound Whig?

But let me suppose a very possible Case. Here is a Person sent to govern Ireland, whose unfortunate weak Side it happens to be, for se­veral Reasons abovemention'd, that he hath en­couraged the Attendance of one or two Gentle­men distinguished for their Taste, their Wit, and their Learning; who have taken the Oaths to his Majesty, and pray heartily for him; yet, because they may perhaps be stigmatized as quondam Tories by Pistorides and his Gang, his Excellency must be forced to banish them under the Pain and Peril of displeasing the Zea­lots of his own Party, and thereby, be put into a worse Condition than every common Good­fellow; who may be a sincere Protestant, and a loyal Subject; and yet rather chuse to drink fine Ale at the Pope's Head, than muddy at the King's.

Let me then return to my Supposition. It is certain, the High-flown Loyalists in the pre­sent Sense of the Word, have their Thoughts, and Studies, and Tongues, so entirely diverted by political Schemes, that the Zeal of their Principles hath eaten up their Understandings; neither have they Time from their Employ­ments, their Hopes, and their hourly Labours, for acquiring new Additions of Merit; to amuse themselves with philological Converse, or Specu­lations which are utterly ruinous to all Schemes of rising in the World: What must then a Great Man do, whose ill Stars have fatally per­verted him to a Love, and Taste, and Posses­sion [Page 149] of Literature, Politeness and good Sense? Our thorough-sped Republick of Whigs, which contains the Bulk of all Hopers, Pretenders, Expectors and Possessors, are, beyond all Doubt, most highly useful to Princes, to Govenours, to great Ministers, and to their Country; but at the same Time, and by necessary Consequence, the most disagreable Companions to all who have that unfortunate Turn of Mind peculiar to his Excellency, and perhaps to five or six more in a Nation.

I do not deny it possible, that an Original or Proselyte Favourer of the Times might have been born to these useless Talents, which in for­mer Ages qualified a Man to be a Poet, or a Philosopher. All I contend for is, that where the true Genius of Party once enters, it sweeps the House clean, and leaves Room for many other Spirits, to take joint Possession 'till the last State of that Man is exceedingly better than the first.

I allow it a great Error in his Excellency, that he adheres so obstinately to his old unfa­shionable academick Education: Yet so per­verse is human Nature, that the usual Reme­dies for this Evil in others, have produced a contrary Effect in him; to a Degree that I am credibly informed, he will, as I have already hinted, in the Middle of a Session, quote Pas­sages out of Plato and Pindar at his own Ta­ble to some Book-learn'd Companion without Blushing, even when Persons of great Stations are by.

I will venture one Step farther, which is, freely to confess, that this mistaken Method of [Page 150] educating Youth in the Knowledge of ancient Learning and Language, is too apt to spoil their Politicks and Principles? because, the Doctrine and Examples of the Books they read, teach them Lessons directly contrary in every Point to the present Practice of the World: And ac­cordingly, Hobbes most judiciously observes, that the Writings of the Greeks and Romans made young Men imbibe Opinions against ab­solute Power in a Prince, or even in a first Mi­nister, and to embrace Notions of Liberty and Property.

It hath been therefore a great Felicity to these Kingdoms, that the Heirs to Titles and large Estates have a Weakness in their Eyes, and a Tenderness in their Constitutions, are not able to bear the Pain and Indignity of Whip­ping, and, as the Mother rightly expresses it, could never take to their Books; yet are well enough qualified to sign a Receipt for half a Year's Rent, to put their Name (rightly spelt) to a Warrant, and to read Pamphlets against Religion and High-Flying; whereby they fill their Niches, and carry themselves through the World with that Dignity which best becomes a Senator, and a Squire.

I could heartily wish his Excellency would be more condescending to the Genius of the Kingdom he Governs, to the Condition of the Times, and to the Nature of the Station he sills. Yet if it be true, what I have read in old En­glish Story-Books, that one Agesilaus (no Matter to the Bulk of my Readers whether I spell the Name right or wrong) was caught by the Parson [Page 151] of the Parish, riding on a Hobby-Horse with his Children; that Socrates a Heathen Philosopher was found dancing by himself at Fourscore; that a King called Caesar Augustus (or some such Name) used to play with Boys, whereof some might possibly be Sons of Tories; and two great Men called Scipio and Laelius (I forget their Christian Names, and whether they were Poets or Generals,) often play'd at Duck and Drake with smooth Stones on a River: Now, I say, if these Facts be true, (and the Book where I found them is in Print) I cannot ima­gine why our most zealous Patriots may not a little indulge his Excellency, in an Infirmity which is not mortally Evil, provided he gives no publick Scandal (which is by all Means to be avoided:) I say, why he may not be indulged twice a Week to converse with one or two par­ticular Persons, and let him and them conn over their old exploded Readings together, after Mornings spent in hearing and prescribing Ways and Means from and to his most obedient Politicians for the Welfare of the Kingdom; although the said particular Person or Persons may not have made so publick a Declaration of their political Faith in all its Parts, as the Busi­ness of the Nation requires; still submitting my Opinion to that happy Majority, which I am confident is always in the right; by whom the Liberty of the Subject hath been so frequently, so strenuously, and so successfully asserted; who by their wise Councils have made Commerce to flourish, Money to abound, Inhabitants to in­crease, [Page 152] the Value of Lands and Rents to rise, and the whole Island put on a new Face of Plenty and Prosperity.

But in order to clear his Excellency more fully from this Accusation of shewing his Fa­vours to High-flyers, Tories and Jacobites, it will be necessary to come to Particulars.

The first Person of a Tory Denomination, to whom his Excellency gave any Marks of his Fa­vour, was Doctor Thomas Sheridan. It is to be observed, that this happened so early in his Exellency's Government, as it may be justly supposed he had not been informed of that Gentleman's Character upon so dangerous an Article. The Doctor being well known and di­stinguish'd for his Skill and Success in the Edu­cation of Youth, beyond most of his Profession for many Years past; was recommended to his Excellency on the Score of his Learning, and particularly for his Knowledge in the Greek Tongue, whereof it seems his Excellency is a great Admirer, although for what Reasons I could never imagine. However it is agreed on all Hands, that his Lordship was too easily pre­vail'd on by the Doctor's Request, or indeed rather from the Biass of his own Nature, to hear a Tragedy acted in that unknown Lan­guage by the Doctor's Lads, which was written by some Heathen Author; but whether it con­tained any Tory or High-Church Principles, must be left to the Consciences of the Boys, the Doctor, and his Excellency; the only Witnesses in this Case whose Testimonies can be depended upon.

[Page 153] It seems, his Excellency (a Thing never to be sufficiently wonder'd at) was so pleas'd with his entertainment, that some Time after he gave the Doctor a Church Living, to the Value al­most of one Hundred Pounds a Year, and made him one of his Chaplains, from an antiquated Notion, that good Schoolmasters ought to be encouraged in every Nation professing Civility and Religion. Yet his Excellency did not ven­ture to make this bold Step without strong Re­commendations from Persons of undoubted Principles fitted to the Times; who thought themselves bound in Justice, Honour and Gra­titude, to do the Doctor a good Office in Re­turn for the Care he had taken of their Chil­dren, or those of their Friends. Yet the Ca­tastrophe was terrible; for the Doctor in the Height of his Felicity and Gratitude, going down to take Possession of his Parish, and fur­nished with a few led Sermons, whereof, as it is to be supposed, the Number was very small, having never served a Cure in the Church; he stopp'd at Cork to attend on his Bishop, and going to Church on the Sunday following, was, according to the usual Civility of Country Cler­gymen, invited by the Minister of the Parish to supply the Pulpit. It happened to be the first of August; and the first of August happened that Year to light upon a Sunday: And it hap­pened, that the Doctor's Text was in these Words; Sufficient unto the Day is the Evil thereof. And lastly, it happened, that some one Person of the Congregation, whose Loyalty [Page 154] made him watchful upon every Appearance of Danger to his Majesty's Person and Govern­ment, when Service was over, gave the Alarm. Notice was immediately sent up to Town, and by the Zeal of one Man, of no large Di­mensions of Body or Mind, such a clamour was raised, that we in Dublin could apprehend no less than an Invasion by the Pretender, who must be landed in the South. The Result was, that the Doctor must be struck out of the Chaplains List, and appear no more at the Castle. Yet, whether he were then, or be at this Day a Whig or a Tory, I think is a Secret; only it is manifest, that he is a zealous Hanoverian, at least in Poetry, and a great Adorer of the pre­sent Royal Family thro' all its Branches; his Friends likewise assert, that he had preached this same Sermon often, under the same Text; that not having observed the Words 'till he was in the Pulpit, and had opened his Notes, as he is a Person a little abstracted, he wanted Pre­sence of Mind to change them: And that in the whole Sermon there was not a Syllable relating to Government or Party, or to the Subject of the Day.

In this Incident there seems to have been an Union of Events that will probably never hap­pen again to the End of the World, or at least, like the grand Conjunction in the Heavens, which, I think, they say can arrive but once in twenty Thousand Years.

The second Gentleman (if I am right in my Chronology) who under the Suspicion of a Tory [Page 155] received some Favour from his Excellency, is Mr. James Stopford, very strongly recommend­ed by the most eminent Whig in England, on the Account of his Learning and Virtue, and other Accomplishments: He had pass'd the greatest Part of his Youth in close Study, or in travelling; and was either not at Home or not at Leisure to trouble his Thoughts about Party, which I allow to be a great Omission; tho' I cannot honestly place him in the List of Tories, and therefore think his Excellency may be fair­ly acquitted for making him Vicar of Finglass, worth about one Hundred and fifty Pounds a Year.

The third is Doctor Patrick Delany; this Divine lies under some Disadvantage, having in his Youth received many Civilities from a certain Person ^† then in a very high Station here, for which Reason I doubt the Doctor ne­ver drunk his Confusion since; and what makes the Matter desperate, it is now too late; un­less our Inquisitors will be content with drinking Confusion to his Memory. The aforesaid emi­nent Person who was a Judge of all Merit but Party, distinguished the Doctor among other Juniors in our University, for his Learning, Virtue, Discretion, and good Sense; but the Doctor was then in too good a Situation at his College to hope or endeavour at a better Esta­blishment from one who had no Power to give it him.

[Page 156] Upon the present Lord Lieutenant's coming over, the Doctor was named to his Exdellency by a Friend, among other Clergymen of Di­stinction, as Persons whose Characters it was proper his Excellency should know: And by the Truth of which the Giver would be content to stand or fall in his Excellency's Opinion; since not one of those Persons were in particular Friendship with the Gentlemen who gave in their Names: By this and some other Incidents, particularly the Recommendation of the late Archbishop of Dublin, the Doctor became known to his Excellency, whose fatal Turn of Mind towards heathenish and outlandish Books and Languages, finding, as I conceive, a like Disposition in the Doctor, was the Cause of his becoming so domestick as we are told he is, at the Castle of Dublin.

Three or four Years ago, the Doctor, grown weary of an Academick Life, for some Rea­sons best known to the Managers of the Disci­pline in that learned Society (which it may not be for their Honour to mention) resolved to leave it, although by the Benefit of his Pupils, and his Senior-fellowship with all its Perquisites, he received every Year between nine Hundred and a Thousand Pounds. And a small Nor­thern Living, in the University's Donation, of somewhat better than a hundred Pounds a Year, falling at the same Time with the Chancellor­ship of Christ-Church to about equal Value, in the Gist of his Excellency, the Doctor ventured into the World in a very scanty Condition, ha­ving [Page 157] squander'd away all his annual Income in a manner, which although perhaps proper enough for a Clergyman without a Family, will not be for the Advantage of his Character to discover either on the Exchange, or at a Bank­er's Shop.

About two Months ago, his Excellency gave the Doctor a Prebend in St. Patrick's Cathe­dral, which being of near the same Value with either of the two former will add a third Part to his Revenues, after he shall have paid the great Incumbrances upon it; so that he may now be said to possess of Church Preserments, in scattered Tythes, three hundred Pounds a Year, instead of the like Sum of infallible Rents from a senior Fellowship with the Offices annexed; besides the Advantage of a free Lodging, and some other Easements. But since the Doctor hath not in any of his Writings, his Sermons, his Actions, his Discourse, or his Company, discovered one single Principle of either Whig or Tory; and that the Lord Lieu­tenant still continues to admit him, I shall bold­ly pronounce him one of us; but like a new Free-Mason, who hath not yet learned all the Dialect of the Mystery. Neither can he justly be accused of any Tory Doctrines, except per­haps some among those few, with which that wicked Party was charged during the Height of their Power, but have been since transferred for the most solid Reasons to the whole Body of our firmest Friends. I have now done with the Clergy, and upon the strictest Examination, [Page 158] have not been able to find above one of that Order, against whom any Party Suspicion can lie, which is the unfortunate Gentleman Dr. Sheridan, who by mere Chance-medly shot his own Fortune dead with a single Text.

As to the Laity, I can hear of but one Per­son of the Tory Stamp, who since the Beginning of his Excellency's Government, did ever re­ceive any solid Mark of his Favour, I mean Sir Arthur Acheson, reported to be an acknow­ledged Tory, and, what is almost as bad, a Scholar into the Bargain. It is whisper'd a­bout as a certain Truth, that this Gentleman is to have a Grant of a certain Barrack upon his Estate within two Miles of his own House, for which the Crown is to be his Tenant, at the Rent of sixty Pounds per Annum; he being only at the Expence of about five hundred Pounds, to put the House in Repair, build Stables, and other Necessaries. I will place this invidious Mark of Beneficence, conferred on a Tory in a fair Light, by computing the Costs and necessary Defalcations; after which it may be seen how much Sir Arthur will be annually a clear Gainer by the Publick, not­withstanding his unfortunate Principles, and his Knowledge in Greek and Latin.

[Page 159]

Thus, if Sir Arthur Acheson shall have the good Fortune to obtain a Grant of this Barrack, he will receive neat Profit annually from the Crown Eleven Pounds Sterling, to help him in entertaining the Officers, and making Provision for his younger Children.

It is true, there is another Advantage to be expected, which may fully compensate the Loss of Cattle and Poultry; by multiplying the Breed of Mankind; and particularly of good Prote­stants in a Part of the Kingdom half depopula­ted by the wild Humour among the Farmers thereof leaving their Country. But I am not so skilful in Arithmetick, as to compute the Value.

[Page 160] I have reckoned one per Cent. below the le­gal Interest for the Money that Sir Arthur must expend: And valued the Damage in the other Articles very moderately. However, I am confident he may with good Management be a Saver at least: which is a prodigious In­stance of Moderation in our Friends towards a professed Tory, whatever Merit he may pre­tend by the Unwillingness he hath shewn to make his Excellency uneasy in his Administra­tion.

Thus I have with the utmost Impartiality col­lected every single Favour, (further than per­sonal Civilities) conferred by his Excellency on Tories, and reputed Tories, since his first Arri­val hither, to this present 13th Day of April, in the Year of our Lord 1730, giving all Allow­ance possible to the Arguments on the other Side of the Question.

And the Account will stand thus.

Give me Leave now to compute in Gross the [Page 161] Value of the Favours done by his Excellency to the true Friends of their King and Country, and of the Protestant Religion.

It is to be remembered, that although his Excellency cannot be properly said to bestow Bishopricks, Commands in the Army, the Place of a Judge, or Commissioner in the Re­venue, and some others; yet they are, for the most Part, disposed upon his Recommendation, except where the Persons are immediately sent from England by their Interest at Court, for which I have allowed large Defalcations in the following Accounts. And it is remarkable that the only considerable Station conferred on a re­puted Tory since his present Excellency's Go­vernment was of this latter Kind.

And indeed it is but too remarkable, that in a neighbouring Nation (where that dangerous Denomination of Men is incomparably more numerous, more powerful, and of Consequence more formidable) real Tories can often with much less Difficulty obtain very high Favours from the Government, than their reputed Bre­thren can arrive to the lowest in ours. I observe this with all possible Submission to the Wisdom of their Policy, which, however, will not, I believe, dispute the Praise of Vigilance with ours.

[Page 162]

I shall conclude with this Observation, that, as I think, the Tories have sufficient Reason to be fully satisfied with the Share of Trust, and Power, and Employments which they possess under the Lenity of the present Goverment; so, I do not find how his Excellency can be justly censured for favouring none but High-Church, High-flyers, Termagants, Laudists, Sa­cheverellians, Tip-top-gallon-men, Jacobites, Tan­tivyes, Anti-Hannoverians, Friends to Popery and the Pretender, and to Arbitrary Power, Disobligers of England, Breakers of DEPEN­DENCY, Inflamers of Quarrels between the two Nations, Publick Incendiaries, Enemies to the King and Kingdoms, Haters of TRUE [Page 163] Protestants, Lawrel-men, Annists, Complainers of the Nation's Poverty, Ormondians, Icono­clasts, Anti-Glorious-Memorists, White-rosalists, Tenth-a-Junians, and the like: When by a fair State of the Account, the Balance, I conceive, plainly lies on the other Side.

ON Tuesday the 13th of October, Mr. Whiston held his Lecture near the Royal Exchange, to an Audience of Fourteen wor­thy Citizens, his Subscribers and constant Hearers. Besides these, there were five chance Auditors for that Night only, who had paid their Shillings a-peice. I think my self oblig'd to be very particular in this Relation, lest my Veracity should be suspected; which makes me appeal to the Men who were Present; of which Number, I my self was one. Their Names are

• [Page 201]Henry Watson, Haberdasher.
• George Hancock, Druggist.
• John Lewis, Dry-Salter.
• William Jones, Corn-Chandler.
• Henry Theobald, Watchmaker.
• James Peters, Draper.
• Thomas Floyer, Silversmith.
• John Wells, Brewer.
• Samuel Greg, Soap-Boyler.
• William Cooley, Fishmonger.
• James Harper, Hosier.
• Robert Tucker, Stationer.
• George Ford, Ironmonger.
• Daniel Lynch, Apothecary.
• Apprentices.
  • William Bennet,
  • David Somers,
  • Charles Lock,
  • Leonard Daval,
  • Henry Croft,

Mr. Whiston began by acquainting us, that (contrary to his Advertisement) he thought himfelf in duty and conscience, oblig'd to change the subject Matter of his intended discourse.—Here he paus'd, and seem'd for a short space as it were lost in Devotion and mental Prayer; after which, with great earnestness and vehe­mence he spake as follows.

‘"Friends and Fellow Citizens, all speculative Science is at an end; the Period of all things is at Hand; on Friday next this World shall be no more. Put not your confidence in me Brethren, for to morrow Morning five [Page 202] Minutes after five the Truth will be Evi­dent; in that instant the Comet shall appear, of which I have heretofore warn'd you. As ye have heard, believe. Go hence, and prepare your Wives, your Families and Friends, for the universal Change."’

At this solemn and dreadful Prediction, the whole Society appear'd in the utmost Astonish­ment: but it would be unjust not to remember that Mr. Whiston himself was in so calm a Temper, as to return a Shilling a piece to the Youths who had been disappointed of their Lec­ture, which I thought from a Man of his In­tegrity a convincing Proof of his own Faith in the Prediction.

As we thought it a Duty, in Charity to warn all Men; in two or three Hours the News had spread through the City. At first indeed, our report met with but little Credit, it being by our greatest dealers in Stocks, thought only a Court-Artifice to sink them, that some choice Favourites might purchase at a lower Rate; for the South Sea, that very Evening fell five per Cent. the India, eleven; and all the other Funds in Proportion. But at the Court-end of the Town, our Attestations were intirely disbe­liev'd or turn'd into ridicule; yet nevertheless the News spread every where, and was the sub­ject matter of all Conversation.

That very Night, (as I was credibly in­form'd) Mr. Whiston was sent for to a great Lady, who is very curious in the Learned Sciences, and addicted to all the Speculative Doubts of the most able Philosophers; but he [Page 203] was not now to be found: and since at other times, he has been known not to decline that Honour, I make no doubt he conceal'd himself to attend the great Business of his Soul: But whether it was the Lady's Faith, or Inquisitive­ness, that ocasion'd her to send, is a Point I shall not presume to determine. As for his being sent for to the Secretary's Office by a Messenger, it is now known to be a Matter notoriously false, and indeed at first it had little credit with me, that so Zealous and Ho­nest a Man should be ordered into Custody, as a Seditious Preacher, who is known to be so well affected to the present happy Establish­ment.

'Twas now I reflected with exceeding trouble and sorrow, that I had disus'd Family Prayers for above five Years, and (though it hath been a Custom of late intirely neglected by Men of any Business or Station) I determin'd within myself no longer to omit so reasonable and reli­gious a Duty. I acquainted my Wife with my Intentions: But two or three Neighbours hav­ing been engaged to Sup with us that Night, and many Hours being unwarily spent at Cards, I was prevail'd upon by her, to put it off till the next Day; she reasoning, that it would be time enough to take off the Servants from their Business (which this practice must infallibly oc­casion for an Hour or two every Day) after the Comet had made its appearance.

Zachary Bowen, a Quaker, and my next Neighbour, had no sooner heard of the Pro­phecy but he made me a Visit. I informed [Page 204] him of every thing I had heard, but found him quite obstinate in his unbelieve; for, said he, be comforted, Friend, thy tidings are Impossibili­ties, for were these things to happen, they must have been foreseen by some of our Bre­thren. This indeed (as in all other spiritual Cases with this Sett of People) was his only rea­son against believing me; and, as he was fully persuaded that the Prediction was erroneous, he in a very neighbourly Manner admonished me against selling my Stock, at the present low Price; which, he said, beyond dispute must have a Rise before Monday, when this unreaso­nable Consternation should be over.

But on WEDNESDAY Morning (I believe to the exact Calculation of Mr. Whiston) the Comet appear'd: For at three Minutes aster five by my own Watch, I saw it. He indeed, foretold that it would be seen at five Minutes after Five, but as the best Watches may be a Minute or two too slow, I am apt to think his Calculation just to a Minute.

In less than a quarter of an Hour, all Cheap­side was crouded with a vast concourse of Peo­ple, and notwithstanding it was so early, 'tis thought that through all that part of the Town, there was not Man, Woman or Child, except the Sick, or Infirm, left in their Beds. From my own Balcony, I am consident, I saw several Thousands in the Street, and counted at least seventeen who were upon their Knees, and seem'd in actual Devotion. Eleven of them indeed appear'd to be old Women of about Fourscore; The Six others, were Men in an [Page 205] advanc'd Life, but (as I could guess) two of them might be under Seventy.

It is highly probable, that an event of this Nature, may be pass'd over by the greater Historians of our Times, as conducing very little or nothing to the unravelling and laying open the deep Schemes of Politicians and Mysteries of State; for which reason, I thought it might not be unacceptable to record the Facts, which in the Space of three Days came to my Knowledge, either as an Eye-witness, or from unquestionable Authorities; nor can I think this Narrative will be intirely without its Use, as it may enable us to form a more just Idea of our Countrymen in general, particularly in regard to their Faith, Religion, Morals and Politicks.

Before WEDNESDAY Noon, the Belief was universal that the Day of Judgment was at Hand, insomuch, that a Waterman of my accquaintance told me he counted no less than one hundred and twenty three Clergymen, who had been ferry'd over to Lambeth before twelve a-Clock: these, 'tis said, went thither, to Petition, that a short Prayer might be Penn'd and Order'd, there being none in the Service upon that occasion. But as in things of this Nature, it is necessary that the Council be consulted, their request was not immediately comply'd with; and this I affirm to be the true and only Reason that the Churches were not that Morning so well attended; and is in no ways to be imputed to the Fears and Con­sternation of the Clergy, with which the Free­thinkers [Page 206] have since very unjustly reproach'd them.

My Wife and I went to Church (where we had not been for many Years on a Week-day) and, with a very large Congregation, were dis­appointed of the Service. But (what will be scarce credible) by the carelessness of a 'Prentice, in our absence, we had a Piece of fine Cambric carried off by a Shop-lifter, so little impression was yet made on the minds of those wicked Women!

I cannot omit the care of a particular Direc­tor of the Bank; I hope the worthy and wealthy Knight will forgive me that I endeavour to do him Justice; for it was unquestionably owing to Sir G [...] H [...]'s sagacity that all the Fire-Offices were requir'd to have a particular Eye upon the Bank of England. Let it be recorded to his Praise that in the general hurry, this struck him as his nearest and tenderest concern; but the next day in the Evening, after having taken due care of all his Books, Bills and Bonds, I was inform'd, his mind was wholly turn'd upon Spiritual Matters; yet, ever and anon, he could not help expressing his resent­ment against the Tories and Jacobites, to whom he imputed that sudden Run upon the Bank which happen'd on this occasion.

A Great Man (whom at this time it may not be prudent to name) employ'd all the Wednesday Morning, to make up such an Account as might appear fair, in case he should be call'd upon to produce it on the Friday; but was forced to desist, after having [Page 207] for several Hours together attempted it, not be­ing able to bring himself to a resolution to trust the many hundred Articles of his secret Transa­ctions upon Paper.

Another seem'd to be very melancholy, which his flatterers imputed to his dread of losing his Power in a Day or two; but I rather take it, that his chief concern was, the Terror of be­ing try'd in a Court that could not be influenc'd and where a Majority of Voices could avail him nothing. It was observ'd too, that he had few Visitors that Day; this added so much to his Mortification, that he read thro' the first Chap­ter of the Book of Job, and wept over it bitterly; in short, he seem'd a true Penitent in every thing but in Charity to his Neighbour. No business was that Day done in his Compting-House; 'tis said too, that he was advis'd to Restitution, but I never heard that he comply'd with it any farther than in giving half a Crown a piece to several craz'd, and starving Creditors, who attended in the outward Room.

Three of the Maids of Honour sent to coun­termand their Birth-day Cloaths; two of them burnt all their Collections of Novels and Ro­mances, and sent to a Bookseller's in Pall-mall to buy each of them a Bible, and Taylor's Holy Living and Dying. But I must do all of them the Justice to acknowledge, that they shew'd a very decent Behaviour in the drawing Room, and restrain'd themselves from those innocent Freedoms and little Levities so commonly inci­dent to young Ladies of their Profession. So ma­ny Birth-day Suits were countermanded the next [Page 208] Day, that most of the Taylors and Mantua­makers discharg'd all their Journeymen and Women. A grave elderly Lady of great Eru­dition and Modesty who visits these young Ladies, seem'd to be extreamly shock'd, by the Apprehensions that She was to appear naked before the whole World; and no less so, that all Mankind was to appear naked before Her; which might so much divert her Thoughts, as to incapacitate her to give Ready and apt An­swers to the Interrogatories that might be made her. The Maids of Honour who had both Modesty and Curiosity, could not imagine the Sight so disagreeable as was represented; nay, one of them went so far as to say, she perfectly long'd to see it; for it could not be so indecent, when every body was to be alike; and they had a Day or two to prepare them­selves, to be seen in that condition. Upon this reflection, each of them order'd a Bathing-Tub to be got ready that Evening, and a Looking-Glass to be set by it. So much are these young Ladies both by Nature and Custom addicted to cleanly appearance.

A West-Country Gentleman told me, he got a Church-Lease fill'd up that Morning for the same Sum which had been refus'd for three Years successively. I must impute this meerly to accident; for I cannot imagine that any Divine could take the advantage of his Tenant, in so unhandsome a Manner; or that the short­ness of the Life was in the least his Considera­tion; though I have heard the same worthy [Page 209] Prelate aspers'd and malign'd since upon this very Account.

The Term being so near, the alarm among the LAWYERS was inexpressible, though some of them, I was told, were so vain as to promise themselves some advantages in making their de­fence, by being vers'd in the Practice of our earthly Courts. It is said too, that some of the chief Pleaders were heard to express great satis­faction, that there had been but sew State-Tryals of late Years. Several Attornies de­manded the return of Fees that had been given the Lawyers: but it was answered the Fee was undoubtedly charg'd to their Client, and that they could not connive at such Injustice, as to suffer it to be sunk in the Attorney's Pockets. Our sage and learned Judges had great consola­tion, insomuch as they had not pleaded at the Bar for several Years; the Barristers rejoyced in that they were not Attornies, and the Attor­nies felt no less satisfaction that they were not Petti-foggers, Scriveners, and other meaner Officers of the Law.

As to the ARMY, far be it from me to con­ceal the Truth. Every Soldier's behaviour was as undismayed, and undaunted, as if nothing was to happen: I impute not this to their want of Faith, but to their martial Disposition; though I cannot help thinking they commonly accompany their commands with more Oaths than are requisite, of which there was no re­markable diminution this Morning on the Pa­rade in St. James's Park. But possibly it was by choice, and on consideration, that they [Page 210] continued this way of Expression, not to intimi­date the common Soldiers, or give occasion to suspect that even the Fear of Damnation could make any impression upon their Superior Offi­cers. A Duel was fought the same Morning between two Colonels, not occasion'd, (as was reported) because the one was put over the other's Head; that being a Point which might at such a Juncture have been accommodated by the Mediation of Friends; but as this was upon the account of a Lady, 'twas judg'd it could not be put off at this time, above all others, but demanded immediate Satisfaction. I am apt to believe that a young Officer who desir'd his Surgeon to defer putting him into a Salivation till Saturday, might make this request out of some Opinion he had of the truth of the Pro­phecy; for the apprehensions of any danger in the Operation could not be his Motive, the Surgeon himself having assured me that he had before undergone three severe Operations of the like Nature, with great resignation and for­titude.

There was an Order issued, that the Chap­lains of the several Regiments should attend their Duty; but as they were dispers'd about in several parts of England, it was believ'd, that most of them could not be found, or so much as heard of, till the great Day was over.

Most of the considerable PHYSICIANS by their outward demeanor seem'd to be Unbelie­vers; but at the same time, they every where insinuated, that there might be a Pestilential Malignancy in the Air, occasion'd by the Co­met, [Page 211] which might be arm'd against by proper and timely Medicines. This caution had but little effect; for as the time approach'd, the Christian Resignation of the People encreas'd, and most of them (which was never before known) had their Souls more at Heart, than their Bodies.

If the Reverend CLERGY show'd more Concern than others, I charitably impute it to their great charge of Souls; and what confirm'd me in this Opinion was, that the Degrees of Apprehension and Terror could be distinguish'd to be greater or less, according to their Ranks and Degrees in the Church.

The like might be observ'd in all sorts of Ministers, though not of the Church of Eng­land; the higher their Rank, the more was their Fear.

I speak not of the COURT, for fear of of­fence; and I forbear Inserting the Names of particular Persons, to avoid the imputation of Slander, so that the Reader will allow this Narrative must be deficient, and is therefore desir'd to accept hereof rather as a Sketch, than a regular circumstantial History.

I was not inform'd of any Persons who shew'd the least Joy, except three Malefactors who were to be executed the Monday following, and one Old Man, a constant Church-goer, who being at the point of Death, exprest some satis­faction at the News.

On Thursday Morning there was little or nothing transacted in Change-Alley; there were a Multitude of Sellers, but so few Buyers, [Page 212] that one cannot affirm the Stocks bore any cer­tain Price except among the Jews; who this Day, reap'd great Profit by their Infidelity. There were many who call'd themselves Chri­stians, who offer'd to buy for time, but as these were People of great Distinction, I chuse not to mention them, because in effect it would seem to accuse them both of Avarice, and In­fidelity.

The Run upon the Bank is too well known to need a particular Relation; for it never can be forgotten that no one Person whatever (ex­cept the Directors themselves, and some of their particular Friends and Associates) could convert a Bill all that Day into Specie; all hands being imploy'd to serve them.

In the several Churches of the City and Suburbs, there were seven Thousand two Hun­dred and Forty Five, who publickly and so­lemnly declar'd before the Congregation, that they took to Wife their several kept Mistresses, which was allow'd as valid Marriage, the Priests not having time to pronounce the Ceremony in Form.

At St. Bride's Church in Fleetstreet, Mr. Woolston (who writ against the Miracles of our Saviour) in the utmost Terrors of Conscience, made a publick Recantation. Dr. Mandevil; (who had been groundlessly reported formerly to have done the same) did it now in good earnest at St. James's Gate; as did also at the Tem­ple Church several Gentlemen, who frequent Coffee-Houses near the Bar. So great was the Faith and Fear of two of them, that they [Page 213] dropt Dead on the Spot; but I will not record their Names, lest I should be thought invidi­ously to lay an Odium on their Families and Posterity.

Most of the Players who had very little Faith before, were now desirous of having as much as they cou'd, and therefore embrac'd the Roman Catholick Religion; the same thing was observ'd of some Bawds, and Ladies of Pleasure.

An Irish Gentleman out of pure Friendship came to make me a Visit, and advis'd me to hire a Boat for the ensuing Day, and told me, that unless I gave earnest for one immediately, he fear'd it might be too late; for his Country­men had secured almost every Boat upon the River, as judging that, in the general Conflagra­tion to be upon the Water would be the safest Place.

There were two Lords, and three Commoners, who, out of a scruple of Conscience, very ha­stily threw up their Pensions, as imagining a Pen­sion was only an annual retaining Bribe. All the other great Pensioners, I was told, had their Scruples quieted by a Clergyman or two of distin­ction, whom they happily consulted.

It was remarkable that several of our very richest Tradesmen of the City, in common Cha­rity, gave away Shillings and Six-pences to the Beggars, who ply'd about the Church Doors; and at a particular Church in the City, a Weal­thy Church-warden with his own Hands distri­buted Fifty twelve-penny Loaves to the Poor by way of Restitution for the many great and [Page 214] costly Feasts, which he had eaten of at their ex­pence.

Three great Ladies, a Valet de Chambre, two Lords, a Custom-House Officer, five Half­pay Captains, and a Baronet, (all noted Game­sters) came publickly into a Church at Westmin­ster, and deposited a very considerable Sum of Money in the Minister's Hands; the Parties whom they had defrauded, being either out of Town, or not to be found. But so great is the Hardness of Heart of this Fraternity, that a­mong either the Noble, or Vulgar Gamesters, (though the Profession is so general) I did not hear of any other restitution of this Sort. At the same time I must observe that (in compari­son of these) through all parts of the Town, the Justice and Penitence of the Highway-Men, House-breakers, and common Pick-Pockets was very remarkable.

The Directors of our Publick Companies were in such dreadful apprehensions, that one would have thought a Parliamentary Enquiry was at hand; yet so great was their presence of Mind, that all the Thursday Morning was taken up in private Transfers, which by malicious People was thought to be done with design to conceal their Effects.

I forbear mentioning the private Confessions of particular Ladies to their Husbands; for as their Children were born in Wedlock, and of conse­quence are Legitimate, it would be an invidious Task to record them as Bastards; and particu­larly after their several Husbands have so chari­tably forgiven them.

[Page 215] The Evening and Night, through the whole Town, were spent in Devotions both Publick and Private; the Churches for this one Day, were so crowded by the Nobility and Gentry, that Thousands of common People were seen praying in the publick Streets. In short, one would have thought the whole Town had been really and seriously religious. But what was very remarkable, all the different Persuasions kept by themselves, for as each thought the other would be damned, not one would join in Prayer with the other.

At length FRIDAY came, and the People cover'd all the Streets; Expecting, Watching and Praying. But as the Day wore away, their Fears first began to abate, then lessen'd every hour, at Night they were almost extinct, till the total Darkness, that hitherto us'd to terrify, now comforted every Free-thinker and Atheist. Great numbers went together to the Taverns, bespoke Suppers, and broke up whole Hogs­heads for joy. The subject of all Wit and Conversation was to ridicule the Prophecy, and railly each other. All the Quality and Gentry were perfectly asham'd, nay, some utterly dis­own'd that they had manifested any Signs of Religion.

But the next Day, even the Common People, as well as their Betters, appear'd in their usual state of Indifference. They Drank, they Whor'd, they Swore, they Ly'd, they Cheated, they Plunder'd, they Gam'd, they Quarrell'd, they Murder'd. In short, the World went on in the old Channel.

[Page 216] I need not give any Instances of what will so easily be credited, but I cannot omit relating, that Mr. Woolston advertis'd, in that very Satur­day's Evening-Post, a new Treatise against the Miracles of our Saviour; and that the few, who had given up their Pensions the Day before, so­licited to have them continued; which, as they had not been thrown up upon any Ministerial Point, I am inform'd was readily granted.