ALTHO' it has been the com­mon Practice, with Writers of Memoirs, to fill their Volumes with their own Praises, which, whatever Pleasure they may have afforded to the Authors, by indulging their Vanity, are seldom found to give any to the Readers; I am determined to quit this beaten Track; and by a strict Adherence to Truth, please even my greatest Enemies, by presenting them with a lively Picture of all my Faults, [Page 2] my Follies, and the Misfortunes, which have been consequential to them.

And I am the more inclined to proceed, in that I think the Story may be instruc­tive to the Female Part of my Readers, to teach them that Reputation

So that I propose myself, not as an Ex­ample, but a Warning to them; that by my Fall, they may stand the more secure.

However numerous my Mistakes in Life have been, they have still had most surprizing Additions made to them, not only by base and unworthy Minds, Wretches devoid of Truth and common Honesty, but also by Persons of high Rank, and such as outwardly profess Christianity; who have fancied it an Act of Piety to be­lieve and spread of me the most impro­bable and notorious Falshoods! nay, so far has their persecuting Zeal been carried, that they have rendered my honest Industry in­effectual; [Page 3] and by depriving me of any Means to support Life, endeavoured to make me even such a one, as they repre­sented me to be: That Clergymen, and Ladies of Honour, should unite, in driving to Extremity, a Person, who never yet, either in her Conversation, or Writing, of­fended against the Laws of Decency or Hu­manity, is but too apt to make one think, they had quite forgotten the Christian Grace, Charity, without which we are told, all other Virtues are of no Avail, and con­sequently, fall far short of Perfection them­selves.

I therefore hope those who have taken such unbounded Liberties with my Charac­ter, will also allow me to paint out theirs, only with this Difference, that I shall con­fine myself to Truth, a Favour I never yet received at their Hands; since even the priestly Robe, and Mitred Head, have, with Regard to me, disclaimed it, of which, in the Series of these melancholy Adven­tures, I shall be able to produce many sur­prizing Instances.

[Page 4]I was born in the Year 1712; by my Mother's Side descended of an antient and honourable Family, who were frequent­ly intermarried with the Nobility. My Great Grandfather was Earl of Killmallock, whose Daughter married Colonel Meade, by whom he had twenty-one Children, twelve of whom lived to be married. This Gentleman, to his Honour be it spoken, tho' he was a Man of Fortune, and in the Army, declared on his Death-bed, ‘'That he never had, either when a Batche­lor, or a married Man, criminal Conver­sation with a Woman; never was drunk; never broke his Word; nor ever used Tobacco.'’

The late Duke of Ormond, when Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, dining at Colonel Meade's, offered to confer on him the Ho­nour of Knighthood; but he then being in an advanced Age, declined it for himself, telling his Grace, ‘'As he was going out of the World, and his eldest Son coming into it, he would chuse, if he thought pro­per, his Grace should bestow it on him:'’ Which accordingly he did.

[Page 5]This Gentleman, Sir John Meade, was bred to the Law, and deservedly distin­guished, as one of the finest Orators that ever spoke at the Bar: He was a perfect Master of classical Learning; and a Lover and Judge of the muse-like Arts; his pa­ternal Estate was about Fifteen Hundred Pounds a Year, which was augmented by marrying successively two great Heiresses; as well as by the vast Business he had in his Profession: So that with all those Advan­tages of Nature, Education, and Fortune, it was no Wonder he should meet with universal Respect and Esteem.

He was in this Situation, when Sir Ed­ward Seymor had an Estate of five Thousand Pounds a Year left to him in Ireland; this was a Matter too considerable for Sir Ed­ward to hope immediately to possess with­out Law-suit or Difficulty; so that he found his personal Appearance absolutely necessary. It is to be observed, that Sir Edward Seymor was accounted the proudest Man in England; and Sir John Meade was as remarkable for the same Fault; neither indeed did I ever meet with any Person of [Page 6] either of those Names in England or Ire­land, who was not abundantly stocked with it, tho' without the same Pretensions to support it.

Sir Edward Seymor landed at Dublin, filled with that natural Contempt for the whole Country, which those of the English, who have not been resident amongst them, are but too apt to express on every Occa­sion: He there found some of his own Countrymen in Places of Profit and Trust, of whom he enquired, ‘'Whether there are any such Things as good Lawyers to be met with in this damned Place?'’

They answered, ‘'Yes, very good; but if he hoped to carry his Cause, he must see Sir John Meade: Well, said he, let one of my Footmen go for him.'’

‘'Your Footman, Sir Edward! said one of the Gentlemen, who knew Sir John: Why, 'tis odds if he will speak to You. I assure you, if he does, 'tis a Favour few of his Clients obtain from him.'’ ‘'What, a Duce, return'd he, do Irish Lawyers take such State upon them?'’ ‘'You are to consider, Sir Edward, he is a Gentle­man [Page 7] of Family, has a noble Fortune, and is so eminent in his Profession, that should he be employed against you, you may bid Farewel to your Claim.'’

This last Argument had such Force with Sir Edward Seymor, that he condescended to wait on Sir John Meade next Morning: Sir John had been apprized of what the other had said; and resolving to be as state­ly as himself, sent him down Word, ‘'He was very busy, but if he pleased to wait till he was at Leisure, he would see him.'’ So Sir Edward was shewn into a Parlour, where he remained above an Hour, fretting himself to Death, at this disrespectful Usage offered to a Person of his Dignity.

When Sir John thought he had pretty sufficiently mortified him, he sent to let him know, he should be glad to see him, and received him with a Politeness natural to him; but when Sir Edward went to open his Case to him, he told him, ‘'He must leave him his Brief, for he could not spare Time to hear him:'’ So Sir Edward laid down his Brief, with a large Purse of Gold on it; and, having got his Audience [Page 8] of Leave, departed, full of Indignation at meeting with a Man as proud as himself.

When the Day appointed for the impor­tant Trial was come, there were Numbers of Lawyers engaged on either Side of the Question: Sir John being, I suppose, re­solved to try his Client's Patience to the uttermost, permitted every one of them to speak before him, without Interruption, and sat drawing Birds with a Pencil, till Sir Edward was ready to burst with Rage at him, especially as he found the Cause likely to go against him: At length, when their Pleadings were ended, and Judgment going to be pronounced against Sir Edward, Sir John Meade arose, and desired to be heard, which he ever was with Favour and Attention by the Court, when making a Speech, which took an Hour and a half in Time, he so fully confuted all Sir Ed­ward's Antagonists, and made his Title to the Estate so evident, and with such power­ful Eloquence, that he had a Decree to be put in immediate Possession.

Sir Edward was so charmed with Sir John's graceful Elocution, that he could [Page 9] not forbear several Times crying out in Extacy, An Angel! by Heaven, an Angel! But when he found the happy Effects of it so much to his own Advantage, he could no longer contain himself, but cathing Sir John in his Arms, My dear, dear Friend! says he, permit me to have the Honour of calling you so: I do not wonder you should be proud, who have more Cause to be so, than any Man living.

The Court not breaking up, till it was late, Sir Edward pressed Sir John to give him his Company that Evening; Sir John excused himself, telling him, ‘'He was every Night engaged to a Club:'’ ‘'Well, then, said Sir Edward, if you will give me Leave, I will accompany you; (pro­vided you think it will be agreeable to your Friends?)'’ Sir John answered, ‘'They would all, he was sure, esteem it as a very great Honour.'’ So according­ly Sir Edward met them, and they were mutually delighted with each other's Con­versation, we may presume, by their stay­ing together till Four the next Morning. Some of Sir Edward's Friends finding him [Page 10] in Bed at Twelve o'Clock the ensuing Day, he told them, ‘'He had sat up all Night:'’ ‘'With whom, Sir Edward?'’ Why, returned he, ‘'With Homer, Plato, Socrates, Cicero, and all the antient Greek and Roman Poets, Philosophers and His­torians.'’

From this Time, Sir Edward and Sir John contracted a Friendship, which did not terminate, but with their Lives.

As this little Piece of History redounds to the mutual Honour of both these great and eminent Gentlemen; I hope it will not be accounted Vanity in me to recite it.

One of Sir John Meade's Sisters, being smitten with the good Mien of a Roman Catholick Officer in King James's Army, stole a Match with him, of which my Mo­ther was the First-fruits; but her Mother dying in Childbed of her second Child, and King William entirely subduing Ire­land, my Grandfather thought proper to follow his Royal Master's Fortune to France, leaving my Mother, then an In­fant, to the wide World: However, Pro­vidence did not abandon the helpless Or­phan; [Page 11] her Grandmother, the Widow of Colonel Meade before-mentioned, took her Home to her; and while she lived, with true maternal Tenderness, bestowed on her the best and politest Education: And when the Trustees sat in Ireland, it being proved she was bred a Protestant, she recovered her Mother's Fortune, which had been settled on her, and which she had been some Years kept out of, on Account of her Father's being a forfeiting Person.

He, in the mean time, returned privately to England, and married a Niece of the celebrated Jesuit Father Hugh Peters: by this second Venture, he had one Daughter, who was married to Mr. Fowler of St. Thomas in Staffordshire, the sole Heiress of whom is the present Lady Faulconbridge, to whom, were it of any Use to me, I have the Honour of being a first Cousin by the Half-Blood.

My Mother being now in Possession of a handsome Fortune, and by the Death of her Grandmother entirely at her own Dis­posal, for her Fathern ever enquired what became of her, did not, it may be sup­posed, [Page 12] want Admirers; especially as she had a very graceful Person, with Abun­dance of Wit, which was improved by reading and keeping the best Company: however, none of them made any Impression on her Heart, till she saw my Father, who was the Son of a Dutch Physician, that ac­cidentally settled in Ireland, and who had no other Fortune to boast of, than a liberal Education, and a very amiable Person and Understanding; Qualities which recom­mended him to my Mother so powerfully, that she had Constancy enough to wait for him three Years, while he went to Leyden, where he studied Physick under the late fa­mous Dr. Boerhaave; and having taken his Degree, he returned to Ireland, uniting him­self in Marriage to his faithful Mistress. Her Friends were at first much displeased with her; but my Father's Merit soon re­conciled them to her Choice; and there being then but one Man-Midwife in the Kingdom, my Father made himself Master of that useful Art, and practised it with great Success, Reputation, and Huma­nity.

[Page 13]I was their second Child, and my eldest Brother dying an Infant, for a long Time their only one; being of a tender weakly Constitution, I was by my Father greatly indulged; indeed I cannot say, but it was in some Measure necessary he should, by his Gentleness, qualify my Mother's Severity to me; otherwise it must have broke my Heart; for she strictly followed Solomon's Advice, in never sparing the Rod; inso­much that I have frequently been whipt for looking blue of a frosty Morning; and, whether I deserved it or not, I was sure of Correction every Day of my Life.

From my earliest Infancy I had a strong Disposition to Letters; but my Eyes being weak, after the Small-pox, I was not permitted to look at a Book; my Mother regarding more the Beauty of my Face, than the Improvement of my Mind; nei­ther was I allowed to learn to read: This Restraint, as it generally happens, made me but more earnest in the Pursuit of what I imagined must be so delightful. Twenty times a Day have I been corrected, for ask­ing what such and such Letters spelt; my [Page 14] Mother used to tell me the Word, accom­panying it with a good Box on the Ear, which, I suppose, imprinted it on my Mind. Had Gulliver seen her Behaviour, I should have imagined, he had borrowed a Hint from it for his floating Island, where, when a great Man had promised any Favour, the Suppliant was obliged to give him a Tweak by the Nose, or a Kick on the Rump, to quicken his Memory. However, I do assure you, it had this Ef­fect on me, insomuch, that I never forgot what was once told me; and quickly arrived at my desired Happiness, being able to read before she thought I knew all my Letters; but this Pleasure I was obliged to enjoy by Stealth with Fear and Trembling.

I was at this Time about five Years of Age; and my Mother being one Day a­broad, I had happily laid hold on Alexan­der's Feast, and found something in it so charming, that I read it aloud;—but how like a condemned Criminal did I look, when my Father, softly opening his Study­door, took me in the very Fact; I dropt my Book, and burst into Tears, begging [Page 15] Pardon, and promising never to do so a­gain: But my Sorrow was soon dispelled, when he bade me not be frightened, but read to him, which, to his great Surprize, I did very distinctly, and without hurting the Beauty of the Numbers. Instead of the whipping, of which I stood in dread, he took me up in his Arms, and kissed me, giving me a whole Shilling, as a Re­ward, and told me, ‘'He would give me another, as soon as I got a Poem by Heart,'’ which he put into my Hand, and proved to be Mr. Pope's sacred Ec­logue; which Task I performed before my Mother returned Home. They were both astonished at my Memory, and from that Day forward, I was permitted to read as much as I pleased; only my Father took care to furnish me with the best, and poli­test Authors; and took Delight in explain­ing to me, whatever, by Reason of my tender Years, was above my Capacity of Understanding.

But chiefly was I charmed and ravished with the Sweets of Poetry; all my Hours were dedicated to the Muses; and, from a [Page 16] Reader, I quickly became a Writer; I may truly say with Mr. Pope,

My Performances had the good Fortune to be looked on as extraordinary for my Years; and the greatest and wisest Men in the Kingdom did not disdain to hear the Prattle of the little Muse, as they called me, even in my childish Days. But as I ap­proached towards Womanhood there was a new Scene opened to me; and by the Time I had looked on thirteen Years, I had almost as many Lovers; not that I ever was handsome, farther than being very fair. But I was well-drest, sprightly, and remarkably well-tempered, unapt to give or take Offence; insomuch that my Com­pany was generally coveted; and no doubt but I should have been happily disposed of in Marriage, but that my Mother's capri­cious Temper made her reject every advan­tageous Proposal offered, and at last con­demn me to the Arms of one of the great­est V—s, with Reverence to the Priest­hood. [Page 17] be it spoken, that ever was wrapt up in Crape.

And here I cannot forbear observing, how very few who wear that S—d H—t are adorned with any real Sanctity of Man­ners: What Ambition, Avarice, Lust, and Cruelty reigns among them; they are ge­nerally the first Seducers of Innocence (as the Holiness of their Office gives them free Admittance into every Family) and as soon as they have made a Breach in the tender Mind for Ruin's wasteful Entrance, (pro­vided they can but slip their own Necks out of the Halter and remain unexposed) they shall be the first to persecute with Ec­clesiastical Courts, and Spiritual Authori­ty, that very Person, whom they them­selves first taught the Way to sin.

And 'tis ever allowed that the Losers may have leave to speak.

I would not, by this Reflection, be thought to strike at Religion, or the valuable Part [Page 18] of the Clergy: Those who are possessed of Christian Charity, and make the Sincerity of their Faith appear in the Righteousness of their Life, are truly worthy of Reve­rence and Honour; but alas! their Num­ber is so few, that the Ears of Corn are scarce discernable among the Tares, of whom no doubt Satan will reap a plen­tiful Harvest.

But to return. Amongst all those who addrest me, my Heart retained its Freedom; and if their Flattery pleased me, it was only as it fed my Vanity; that Passion, which, like Pride, is so universal: I had no parti­cular Engagement, was entirely submissive to my Parents, punctual to all the Duties of Religion, unaffectedly innocent, and much more pleased with my Female Friends, than with the Company of Men.

There were two young Ladies, in parti­cular, for whom, from my Childhood, I had a very tender Affection, and whom, as often as I could, I visited; as their Brother was a Clergyman, many of the Gown fre­quented their House, and amongst the rest, the Reader of our Parish-Church, Mr. [Page 19] P—n. He had a good Face, and many agreeable Accomplishments; as a tolerable Taste in Music, and a poetical Turn, which greatly entertained me; but being a Man of obscure Birth, and low Fortune, I had no farther Thoughts of him, than merely as an Acquaintance: However, it was my Misfortune to be liked by him, when I least imagined it; as he played very well on the Organ, he gave us an Invitation to Church, promising, after Evening-Prayer, to sing an Anthem for us. I, who always delighted in Church-Music, begged my Mother's Per­mission to go, which, with some Difficulty, I obtained. After the Music he invited us into the Vestry-Room, where he had prepa­red a little Collation of Fruit, Wine, &c. and singling me out, he began to address me in a very passionate Stile, and earnestly beg­ged Leave to visit me: I told him, ‘'I was to go into the Country next Day, to stay all the Summer, and were I not, I had no Male Visitants, but such as my Parents approved of; and consequently it was out of my Power to grant his Request.'’ My Mother sending for me, prevented any far­ther [Page 20] Conversation for that Time; and ear­ly the next Morning we set out on our in­tended Journey.

During my Stay in the Country, he wrote me a great many poetical Compli­ments, and subscribed himself Amintas: As they were really very elegant, my Mo­ther, who always examined my Letters, exprest great Curiosity to know the Wri­ter; saying, ‘'I ought to return a Letter of Thanks to him:'’ But as I took this only for a Trap, I told her, which was true, I knew not who it was; lest I should be denied the Pleasure of visiting the young Ladies, where I first saw him, if I should have given her the smallest Hint, that I guessed at the Person.

I had, by this Time, a Brother of about nine Years of Age, of whom my Father and Mother were fond even to Extrava­gance; whenever I went abroad, he used to cry to go with me, and was constantly indulged in it.

A few Days after our Return to Town, I went to wait on the young Ladies before­mentioned, and took my Brother with me; [Page 21] I was scarce seated when Mr. P—n came in; and after saluting me, began to re­proach me with Cruelty, in never having favoured him with an Answer to any of his Letters. I told him, ‘'I was much obliged to him, for the agreeable Entertainment they had afforded me; but that, except­ing my Father, I had never wrote to any Man, neither was I Mistress of Wit e­nough to correspond with him.'’ A good many civil Things were said on either Hand, during Tea Time; after which my Brother growing urgent with me to return Home, I happened to say he was so great a Favourite, I durst not contradict him; upon which, Mr. P—n made his Appli­cation to him, and gave him an Invitation to his Lodgings; where he entertained him so kindly, that the Child returned in Rap­tures with him; and loaden with Toys and Sweetmeats. Upon this Civility to my Brother, my Father sent and invited Mr. P—n to Dinner; (and you may be sure he did not refuse him) but quickly found the Art of making himself so agreeable to my Parents, that they were even uneasy [Page 22] whenever he was absent; which seldom happened, except when his Duty required his Attendance. He now began openly to court me; and, to my great Surprize, nei­ther of them feemod averse to it; but al­lowed him as much Liberty of conversing with me, as a reasonable Man could desire; and for my own Part, he gained so large a Share in my Esteem, that as they seemed to approve of him, I was very well satis­fied.

One Year past on in this Manner, during which Time, Mr. P—n never omitted any Thing to convince me of the Sincerity of his Passion; and tho' he saw me every Day, and all the Day; yet every Day was still but as the first:

The ensuing Spring, my Mother took a Lodging, about a Mile from Dublin, by the Sea-side, for the Benefit of bathing, where my Father and Mr. P—n came every Afternoon together to visit us; but my Father's Business seldom permitting [Page 23] him to stay above half an Hour, he gene­rally left Mr. P—n with us: Who, one Night happening to stay later than ordina­ry, left a Gold Watch, and a handsome Diamond Ring in my Possession; lest, as he said, he should be robbed of them going Home. My Father and he coming to us the next Day, (according to Custom) I brought to Mr. P—n his Ring and Watch; but he would by no Means ac­cept of either, but insisted on my keeping them as a Present; my Father and Mother were both by; and neither of them shew­ing any Dislike to it, I was, with great Reluctance, obliged by him to take them.

I mention these Particulars, trifling as they are, because I have been accused of Disobedience to my Parents, in marrying without their Consent or Knowledge; whereas they were acquainted with the Af­fair from Beginning to End; neither was I any more than passive in it; never hav­ing allowed myself to have any Will but theirs.

My Father was at this Time so eminent in his Profession, and lived after so elegant [Page 24] a manner, that every body concluded, he was able to give me a very good Fortune; and few People could believe he counte­nanced Mr. P—n's Addresses to me; he neither having any Preferment in the Church, nor any other Fortune: And what­ever Merit an Irish Clergyman may possess, he has little Hope of Advancement by it, unless he has some Relation in the House of Commons, who, by betraying the Inte­rest of his Country, can procure for him,

And in this, the present State of poor Ire­land nearly resembles that of England, un­der the Reign of Queen Mary, when, as soon as a Bishoprick became vacant, an Ita­lian was immediately nominated to it. Ireland groans under the same Calamity: An English V—y, English Judges, Eng­lish Bishops, with their long Train of Re­lations and Dependants, lay their hard [Page 25] Hands on all Preferments; while her learn­ed Sons languish out Life, in hopeless Po­verty and Dejection of Spirit.

I have frequently observed it, as a Want of Policy in the English Government, to permit the People of Ireland to have an U­niversity: Learning naturally inspires Men with the Love of Liberty; the Principles of which ought to be discouraged in the Minds of those, whom their Masters are pleased to condemn to Slavery, Want and Oppression; unless, perhaps it may be done with a cruel Intent, of making their Yoke the more galling to them.

Ireland, while free, was remarkable for producing brave and valiant Men. Ever witness for her,

[Page 26]I hope I shall be pardoned by all true Patriots for this Digression; if not, I can only make Use of Falstaff's Apology, That Rebellion lay in my Way, and I found it.

But to resume my Thread. All my Friends and Relations attacked my Father warmly on this Head; who solemnly de­clared, ‘'He knew nothing of any amorous Correspondence between Mr. P—n and his Daughter, that the Gentleman came to visit us, as being Parishioners:'’ But withal declared: ‘'Since such a Report was spread, he would civilly forbid him the House;'’ which accordingly he or­dered my Mother to do. Mr. P—n came as usual, and my Mother delivered her dreadful Commission to him. No sooner was the fatal Sentence pronounced, but my astonished Lover fell pale and speechless to the Floor; and to say the Truth, my Case was little better than his: I raised him in my Arms, and senseless as he seemed, he grasped me close, and leaned his drooping Head upon my Bosom; whilst my Mother applied Remedies to [Page 27] him till he revived: When he came to himself, he blamed us for our Care: say­ing, ‘'Since I was lost, he could not, would not live.'’

As I was naturally of a soft compas­sionate Temper, the Condition I saw him in pierced my very Soul; but I was too much in Awe of my Mother to venture to say so at that Time. So he left me with Sorrow deeply imprinted in his Counte­nance, and, as I believed, in his Heart.

About two Years before this, a young Woman of about eighteen Years of Age, was brought to my Father, by a Stationer, to be by him instructed in Midwifery: She was Mistress of Hebrew, Greek, Latin and French, understood the Mathematicks, as well as most Men: And what made these extraordinary Talents yet more surprizing, was, that her Parents were poor illiterate Country People; so that her Learning ap­peared like the Gift poured out on the A­postles, of speaking all Languages, with­out the Pains of Study; or, like the intui­tive Knowledge of Angels: Yet in as much as the Power of Miracles is ceased; we [Page 28] must allow she used human Means for such great and excellent Acquirements: And yet in a long Friendship and Famili­arity with her, I could never obtain a satis­factory Account from her on this Head; only she said, ‘'she had received some little Instruction from the Minister of the Pa­rish, when she could spare Time from her Needlework, to which she was closely kept by her Mother.'’ She wrote elegant­ly both in Verse and Prose; and some of the most delightful Hours I ever past, were in the Conversation of this female Philosopher.

My Father readily consented to accept of her as a Pupil; and gave her a general Invitation to his Table, so that she and I were seldom asunder. My Parents were well pleased with our Intimacy, as her Piety was not inferior to her Learning. Whe­ther it was owing to her own Desire, or the Envy of those who survived her, I know not; but of her various and beautiful Wri­tings, except one Poem of her's in Mrs. Barber's Works, I have never seen any published; 'tis true, as her Turn was chief­ly [Page 29] to philosophical or divine Subjects, they might not be agreeable to the present Taste; yet could her heavenly Muse de­scend from its sublime Height to the easy epistolary Stile, and suit itself to my then gay Disposition; as may appear by the two following Poems: To make them intelli­gible, my Reader must observe, that I being in a Country Town at the Assizes Time, had writ her an Account to Dublin of the principal Entertainments I met with there and in the rest of the Country. I must also beg Pardon for publishing the Compliments paid to me in them, which I really would omit were it possible. Her Answer to my first Letter was this.

The Second was as follows:

[Page 34]As this Lady was perfectly well ac­quainted with Mr. P—n's Regard for me, he applied to her to intreat a Meeting at her Lodgings, where I frequently went.

She had too much Compassion for a des­pairing honourable Lover to refuse his Re­quest; and accordingly she gave him No­tice the next Visit that I made to her, after having asked my Consent to it. Our In­terview was very melancholy, and his Sighs and Tears prevailed so much on my young soft Heart, that, at last, I faithfully pro­mised to be his; but added, ‘'We were both so young, that it would be prudent to wait till he had some Preferment, or till my Parents came into better Tem­per; and that, in the mean time, I would see him, or write to him, as often as I conveniently could.'’

I forgot to mention, that I had sent him his Watch and Ring some Days before; he would fain have prevailed on me to take them again, but I absolutely refused them.

The next Morning, my Father told me, I must prepare to go and stay a Year with my Grandfather, who lived a hundred Miles [Page 35] distant from Dublin, and that I must set out in two Days. I made no Answer, but thought proper to give Mr. P—n No­tice of my Departure, and easily prevailed on my Brother to give him a Letter; but Heav'ns! how was I frighted when he, re­turning in a few Moments, told me, Mr. P—n had stabbed himself with his Penknife: I ran all in Tears to my Mo­ther, entreating her Permission to go and see him. She appeared much concerned, and sent for him to come to us, which pleas­ing Summons he readily obeyed. But I could scarce forbear laughing at my own Credulity, when my wounded Swain came to us in perfect Health. He had indeed given himself a Scratch, on Purpose to ter­rify us, and had just such a desperate Wound as I have frequently received from the Point of a Pin, without complaining.

However, by this Artifice he once more gained Admission to us, and had an Op­portunity of assuring my Mother, ‘'That if she sent me to the West-Indies, he would follow me;'’ and added also, ‘'That he was next Heir to a good Estate;'’ [Page 36] which was the most prevailing Argument he could make use of to her; and took such an Effect, that she not only kept him to Supper, but so far indulged him, as to give him a Key to the Garden which o­pened into a little Stable Lane, by which means he could come in and go out as often as he pleased unnoticed. As soon as he left us, my Mother spoke to me in this Manner: ‘'Child, said she, I believe that young Man loves you sincerely, neither have your Father or I any Objection to him; but in the Light we appear in to the World, it would seem strange to ac­cept of him as a Son-in law. Your Fa­ther is not, at present, able to give you a Fortune; and I know most of those who address you, hope for one with you; and he chuses rather to reject them, than let them into his real Circumstances: What I would therefore advise you to is this: If you love this Man, marry him; we shall at first seem displeased, and then forgive it, and do for you every thing within our Power; as he is an ingenious, sober Man, your Father's Interest may [Page 37] soon get him a Living, and till then ye shall both live with us.'’

This Discourse strangely surprized me, and left me doubtful how to act; to take to myself the Reproach of Disobedience, in the Eyes of the World, appeared very shocking to me; and tho' I was resolved to marry Mr. P—n some Time or o­ther, yet I was startled at the Thought of doing it immediately, and told my Mo­ther my Objections: However they ap­peared but trifling to her. The next Morning she called me pretty early to Breakfast, and, to my great Surprize, I found Mr. P—n with my Father, his Harpsichord placed in the Parlour, which, with a Cat and an Owl, were all his world­ly Goods.

He told me with great Rapture, that he was going for a Ring and a Licence to be married in the Evening. As for my Part, I thought he only jested, till my Father confirmed it, by telling me I must either resolve to marry immediately, or break off with Mr. P—n entirely, leaving it to my Choice which to do. I was too [Page 38] much confounded to make any other Return than to give my Hand to Mr. P—n, who kissed it with great Extacy; and my unfortunate Nuptials being thus concluded, we were married privately in the Evening by the Vicar-General, having no other Wit­nesses but my Father and Mother, and his Father, and we resolved to keep it secret for a few Days to avoid the Hurry and Expence of Matrimony. We went into the Country to my Uncle Brigadier Meade's Seat for a Fortnight; where my new es­poused Husband staying from me a whole Day, in Pursuit of his Game (for he de­lighted in Fowling) at his Return, I pre­sented him with the following Lines, my first Attempt in Poetry that was not quite childish:

This little poetical Essay met with more Applause than it really merited, on Account of my Youth, and was extremely acceptable to Mr. P—n, who, with the Raptures of an enamoured Bridegroom, read it to every Person whom he thought possessed of Taste or Genius.

On our Return to Town, we received the Visits and Compliments of all our Ac­quaintance; every one of whom my Mo­ther assured, I had married without their Consent; but this was not all, for she said it so often, that at length she persuaded her­self it was so; and made it a Pretence for giving me all imaginable ill Treatment, both in publick and private, which, having no Remedy, I was obliged to bear as pa­tiently as I could; for if I quitted her House, I had no Place to go to, as Mr. P—n's whole Income would scarce have paid the Rent of a tolerable ready furnished Lodging. However I had some Consola­tion in Mr. P—n's Tenderness, which [Page 41] seemed daily to increase for me, and in the Conversation of a very agreeable Set of Friends, some of whom it may not be a­miss to give a particular Description of.

In the first Place, I had the Honour of being well received by Mrs. Percival, who is married to the Brother of the Earl of Egmont, to whose Virtues I cannot refuse doing Justice, (altho' her Censures of me have not been over-charitable) a Lady of most universal Genius, there being no one Accomplishment, that adorns the Woman of Quality but what she possessed; and her Sta­tion gave her an Opportunity of shewing them to Advantage; she was also extreme­ly happy in her Family; her Husband was a most worthy Gentleman; both her Sons Men of Sense and Honour, and one of her Daughters very agreeable. It may easily be supposed this Belle Assembly engaged the Company of all the learned and polite World; every Night was a Drawing-Room, and the ingenious and curious of both Sexes went Home delighted and im­proved. As my Father was Physician to Mrs. Percival, and her eldest Son married [Page 42] to a near Relation of mine, I had at all Times free Access, and so found a frequent pleasing Relief from my Vexations.

I had also the much envied Honour of being known to Dr. Swift, whose Ge­nius, excellent as it was, surpassed not his Humanity in the most judicious and useful Charities; altho' often hid under a rough Appearance, till he was perfectly convinced both of the Honesty and Distress of those he bestowed it on: He was a perpetual Friend to Merit and Learning; and utter­ly incapable of Envy. Indeed why should he not? who, in true genuine Wit, could fear no Rival.

Yet as I have frequently observed in Life, that where great Talents are bestowed, there the strongest Passions are likewise given: This truly great Man did but too often let them have Dominion over him, and that on the most trifling Occasions. During Meal-times he was evermore in a Storm; the Meat was always too much or too little done, or the Servants had offended in some Point, imperceptible to the rest of the Company; however, when the Cloth [Page 43] was taken away, he made his Guests rich Amends for the Pain he had given them by the former Part of his Behaviour. For

Yet strict Temperance preserved; for the Doctor never drank above half a Pint of Wine, in every Glass of which he mixed Water and Sugar; yet, if he liked his Company, would sit many Hours over it, unlocking all the Springs of Policy, Learn­ing, true Humour and inimitable Wit.

It is a very great Loss to the World, that this admirable Gentleman never could be prevailed on to give us the Particulars of his own Life; because, as it is the Fate of all eminent Persons to have various Cha­racters given of them, so it was more re­markably his: One Reason for this may justly be assigned; that as at his first setting out Party ran high, those who on either Side had any Talents for Writing, spared not to throw the blackest Aspersions on the [Page 44] other; so that, if we give them both Cre­dit, we must conclude, there was neither Honour nor Virtue among them; but that all who were out, Tories and Whigs, Whigs and Tories, were equally corrupt: Indeed Ambition is a grand Deceiver, and apt to undermine Integrity itself; and this the Doctor himself was so sensible of, that I have frequently heard him declare, ‘'He thought it a great Blessing that all his Hopes of Preferment were at once cut off; insomuch that he had nothing to tempt or mislead him from a Patriotism, in which his grateful Country found their Happiness and Security.'’

This leads me to a Story, I remember to have heard him tell, and therefore, I hope, cannot be impertinent:

A Clergyman, whose Character greatly resembled that I have heard Bishop Berkley give to Bishop Atterbury; namely, a most learned fine Gentleman, who under the soft­est and politest Appearance concealed the most turbulent Ambition: This Clergy­man having made his Merit, as a Preacher, too eminent to be overlooked, had it early [Page 45] rewarded with a Mitre; his Friend Dr. Swift went to congratulate him on it; but at the same Time told him, ‘'He hoped, as his Lordship was a Native of Ireland, and had now a Seat in the House of Peers, he would employ his powerful Elocution in the Service of his distressed Country.'’ The Prelate told him, ‘'The Bishoprick was but a very small one, and he could not hope for a better, if he did not oblige the Court.'’ ‘'Very well, says Swift, then it is to be hoped, when you have a better, you will become an honest Man.'’ ‘'Ay, that I will, Mr. Dean, says he, till then, my Lord, farewel.'’ This pious Prelate was twice translated to richer Sees; and, on every Translation, Dr. Swift waited on him to remind him of his Promise, but to no Purpose; there was now an Archbishoprick in View, and till that was obtained, nothing could be done: This in a short Time he likewise possessed; he then sent for the Dean, and told him, ‘'I am now at the Top of my Pre­ferment, for I well know no Irishman will ever be made Primate, therefore as [Page 46] I can rise no higher in Fortune or Sta­tion, I will zealously promote the good of my Country.'’ (A fine Reason truly!) And so he commenced a most outrageous Patriot, from those very laudable Motives, and continued so till his Death, which hap­pened within these few Years.

I hope my Readers will indulge me in the frequent Mention I shall make of Dr. Swift; for tho' his Works are univer­sally esteemed; yet few Persons now living, have had so many Opportunities of seeing him in private Life; as my being a Person sans Consequence afforded me, which Hap­piness I obtained by the following Means:

The learned Nymph before-mentioned, whom Curiosity engaged every Person to see, had shewn many of my Scribbles to Dr. Delany, known sufficiently by his own incomparable Life and Writings: As she was one of the first to congratulate me on my Marriage; she was a Witness how severely both Mr. P—n and I were used, or rather abused by my Mother; she told Dr. Delany of it, and made such fa­vourable mention of the poor young Couple, [Page 47] that he generously imagined his countenan­cing Mr. P—n might be a Means of pro­curing us better Treatment. He had been Class-fellow with my Father in the Col­lege, and tho' they did not visit, yet they had that mutual Esteem for each other, which good Men feel for good Men; and were pleased whenever Accident threw them into each other's Company. The Doctor, preaching at our Parish Church immedi­ately after our Marriage, was so kind as to join us coming out, and accompany us Home, to wish the young Couple Joy, a Favour we were all extremely proud of; at parting he gave us all an Invitation to to dine at his beautiful Villa, about a small Mile distant from Dublin; what Opinion I conceived of him and his Improvements, may be seen in the following Lines, com­posed in one of his lovely Arbours:—

Whether it was owing to my Youth, or any real Merit in the Verses, I know not, but, weak as they were, from the Candour of the Company they met with great Applause, and the worthy Gentleman to whom they were directed, praised the Poetry extremely, only modestly wished I had a better Sub­ject to employ my fine Genius, as he was pleased to call it.

I hope, if I should live to publish these Writings, none of the honourable Persons mentioned in them, as having been once my Friends, will be offended at it; since whate­ver Misfortunes have since befallen me, I was not then quite unworthy of the Re­gard they shewed me, and still retain a grateful Sense of their Favour; only la­menting that by one fatal Folly it is irreco­verably lost.

And now I must confess, as I have talked of Ambition, I had a strong one to be known to Dr. Swift: As Dr. Delany had recommended and introduced Mr. [Page 50] P—n to him, and the learned Lady before-mentioned, I thought it a little hard to be excluded from the Delight and In­struction I might possibly receive from such Conversation; and having often re­monstrated on this Head, to no Purpose, I at last told them, (for to give me my due I was pretty pert) ‘'that truly they were envious, and would not let me see the Dean, knowing how much I surpassed them all.'’ As I spoke this but half se­rious, I set them all a laughing, and as they were to meet the next Day at the Deanery-House to keep the Anniversary of his Birth-day, I inclosed to Dr. Delany the following Lines:

Dr. Delany presented these Lines to the Dean, and at the same time told him my saucy Speech above-mentioned. The Dean kindly accepted of my Compliment, and said, ‘'He would see me whenever I pleas­ed.'’ A most welcome Message to me!

A few Days after, the Dean sent the Doctor Word, he would dine with him at Delville, and desired to meet Mr. and Mrs. P—n there: You may be assured I obeyed this welcome Summons, and a Gen­tlewoman [Page 52] was so kind as to call on me to go with her; when we arrived, Dr. De­lany's Servant told us, his Master, the Dean, and Mr. P—n were walking in the Garden; we met them on a noble Terrass, whose Summit was crowned with a mag­nificent Portico, where Painting and Sculp­ture displayed their utmost Charms: The Lady presented me to the Dean, who sa­luted me, and surprized me, by asking her, ‘'If I was her Daughter?'’ She smiled and said, ‘'I was Mrs. P—n.'’ ‘'What, says he, this poor little Child married! God help her, she is early engaged in Trouble.'’ We passed the Day in a most elegant and delightful Manner; and the Dean, engag­ing Mr. P—n to preach for him at the Cathedral the Sunday following, gave me also with the rest of the Company an Invi­tation to Dinner. As the Communion is administered every Sunday in this antique Church, dedicated to St. Patrick, the first Prelate who taught the Gospel in Ireland, I was charmed to see with what a becoming Piety the Dean performed that solemn Ser­vice; which he had so much at Heart, that [Page 53] he wanted not the Assistance of the Litur­gy, but went quite thro' it without ever looking in the Prayer-Book. Indeed an­other Part of his Behaviour on this Occa­sion was censured by some as savouring of Popery, which was, that he bowed to the Holy-Table; however this Circumstance may vindicate him from the wicked Asper­sion of being deemed an Unbeliever, since 'tis plain he had the utmost Reverence for the Eucharist. Service being over, we met the Dean at the Church-Door, sur­rounded by a Crowd of Poor, to all of whom he gave Charity, excepting one old Woman, who held out a very dirty Hand to him; he told her very gravely, ‘'That though she was a Beggar, Water was not so scarce but she might have washed her Hands:'’ And so we marched with the Silver Verge before us to the Deanery-House. When we came into the Parlour, the Dean kindly saluted me, and without allowing me Time to sit down, bade me come and see his Study; Mr. P—n was for following us, but the Dean told him merrily, He did not desire his Company; [Page 54] and so he ventured to trust me with him into the Library: ‘'Well, says he, I have brought you here to shew you all the Mo­ney I got when I was in the Ministry, but do not steal any of it.'’ ‘'I will not indeed, Sir, says I;'’ so he opened a Ca­binet, and shewed me a whole Parcel of empty Drawers; ‘'Bless me, say he, the Money is flown;'’ he then opened his Bureau, wherein he had a great Number of curious Trinkets of various Kinds, some of which he told me, ‘'Were presented to him by the Earl and Countess of Oxford; some by Lady Masham, and some by La­dy Betty Germain;'’ at last, coming to a Drawer filled with Medals, he bade me chuse two for myself; but he could not help smiling, when I began to poize them in my Hands, chusing them by Weight rather than Antiquity, of which indeed I was not then a Judge.

The Dean amused me in this Manner till we were summoned to Dinner, where his Behaviour was so humorous, that I cannot avoid relating some Part of it: He placed himself at the Head of his Table opposite [Page 55] to a great Pier-Glass, under which was a Marble Side-board, so that he could see in the Glass whatever the Servants did at it: He was served entirely in Plate, and with great Elegance; but the Beef being over­roasted put us all in Confusion, the Dean called for the Cook-maid, and ordered her to take it down Stairs, and do it less; the Maid answered, very innocently, ‘'That she could not:'’ ‘'Why, what Sort of a Crea­ture are you, says he, to commit a Fault which cannot be amended?'’ And turning to me he said very gravely, ‘'That he hoped, as the Cook was a Woman of Genius, he should, by this Manner of ar­guing, be able in about a Year's Time to convince her she had better send up the Meat too little than too much done;'’ charging the Men Servants, ‘'Whenever they imagined the Meat was ready, they should take it Spit and all, and bring it up by Force, promising to aid them, in case the Cook resisted.'’ The Dean then turning his Eye on the Looking-glass es­pied the Butler opening a Bottle of Ale, and helping himself to the first Glass; he [Page 56] very kindly jumbled the rest together, that his Master and Guests might all fare alike. ‘'Ha! Friend, says the Dean, Sharp's the Word, I find you drank my Ale, for which I stop two Shillings of your Board-Wages this Week, for I scorn to be out­done in any thing, even in cheating.'’ Dinner at last was over to my great Joy; for now I had Hope of a more agreeable Entertainment than what the squabbling with the Servants had afforded us.

The Dean thanked Mr. P—n for his Sermon: ‘'I never, says he, preached but twice in my Life, and then they were not Sermons, but Pamphlets.'’ I asked him, ‘'What might be the Subject of them;'’ he told me, ‘'They were against Wood's Half-pence.'’ ‘'Pray, Madam, says he, do you smoke;'’ ‘'No indeed, Sir, says I;'’ ‘'Nor your Husband;'’ ‘'Neither, Sir:'’ ‘'It is a Sign, said he, you were neither of you bred in the Univer­sity of Oxford; for drinking and smoak­ing are the first Rudiments of Learning taught there; and in those two Arts no University in Europe can out-do them.'’ [Page 57] ‘'Pray Mrs. P—n tell me your Faults;'’ ‘'Indeed, Sir, I must beg to be excused, for if I can help it, you shall never find them out;'’ ‘'No, says he, then Mr. P—n shall tell me;'’ ‘'I will, Sir, says he, when I have discovered them.'’ ‘'Pray Mr. Dean, says Dr. Delany, why will you be so unpolite, as to suppose Mrs. P—n has any Faults?'’ ‘'Why, I will tell you, replied the Dean; whenever I see a Number of agreeable Qualities in any Person, I am always sure, they have bad ones sufficient to poize the Scale.'’ I bowed, and told the Dean, ‘'He did me great Honour:'’ And in this I copied Bi­shop Berkley, whom I have frequently heard declare, ‘'That when any Speech was made to him, which might be construed either into a Compliment, or an Affront, or (that to make use of his own Word) had two Handles; he was so meek and so mild, that he always took hold of the best.'’

The Dean then asked me, ‘'If I was a Queen, what I should chuse to have after Dinner?'’ I answered, ‘'His Conversa­tion;'’ [Page 58] ‘'Phooh! says he, I mean what Regale?'’ ‘'A Dish of Coffee, Sir;'’ ‘'Why then I will so far make you as hap­py as a Queen, you shall have some in Perfection; for when I was Chaplain to the Earl of Berkley, who was in the Go­vernment here, I was so poor, I was ob­liged to keep a Coffee-house, and all the Nobility resorted to it to talk Treason:'’ I could not help smiling at this Oddity, but I really had such an Awe on me, that I could not venture to ask him, as I longed to do, what it meant? The Bottle and Glasses being taken away, the Dean set a­bout making the Coffee; but the Fire scorching his Hand, he called to me to reach him his Glove, and changing the Coffee-pot to his Left-hand, held out his Right one, ordered me to put the Glove on it, which accordingly I did; when taking up Part of his Gown to fan himself with, and acting in Character of a prudish Lady, he said, ‘'Well, I do not know what to think; Women may be honest that do such Things, but, for my Part, I never could bear to touch any Man's Flesh— [Page 59] except my Husband's, whom perhaps, says he, she wished at the Devil.’

‘'Mr. P—n, says he, you would not tell me your Wife's Faults; but I have found her out to be a d—ned, insolent, proud, unmannerly Slut:'’ I looked con­founded, not knowing what Offence I had committed.—Says Mr. P—n, ‘'Ay, Sir, I must confess she is a little saucy to me sometimes, but—what has she done now?'’ ‘'Done! why nothing, but sat there quietly, and never once offered to interrupt me in making the Coffee, whereas had I had a Lady of modern good Breeding here, she would have struggled with me for the Coffee-pot till she had made me scald myself and her, and made me throw the Coffee in the Fire; or per­haps at her Head, rather than permit me to take so much trouble for her.'’

This raised my Spirits and as I found the Dean always prefaced a Compliment with an Affront, I never afterwards was startled at the latter, (as too many have been, not entering into his peculiarly ironical Strain) but was modestly contented with [Page 60] the former, which was more than I deserv­ed, and which the Surprize rendered doubly pleasing.

By this Time, the Bell rang for Church; and Dr. Delany and Mr. P—n, who with myself were now all the Company, (for the rest departed before the Coffee was out) were obliged to attend the Summons: But as there is no Service in the Cathedral, but Evening-Prayer at Six o'Clock, I chose rather to attend the Dean there, than go to hear another Sermon; by this means I had him all to myself for near three Hours, during which Time he made me read to him the Annals of the four last Years of the Reign of Queen Anne, written by him­self; the Intentions of which seemed to be a Vindication of the then Ministry and him­self, from having any Design of placing the Pretender on the Throne of Great-Britain: It began with a solemn Adjuration, that all the Facts therein contained were Truth, and then proceeded in the Manner of Lord Clarendon, with giving the particular Cha­racters of every Person whom he should have occasion to mention; amongst whom, [Page 61] I remember, he compared Lord Bolling­broke to Petronius, one who agreeably mingled Business with Pleasure. At the Conclusion of every Period, he demanded of me, ‘'Whether I understood it? For I would, says he, have it intelligent to the meanest Capacity, and if you compre­prehend it, 'tis possible every Body may.'’ ‘'I bowed, and assured him I did.'’ And indeed it was written with such Perspecuity and Elegance of Stile, that I must have had no Capacity at all, if I did not taste what was so exquisitely beautiful.

Mr. P—n, when he was Chaplain to Alderman Barber, in the Year of his Mayoralty, mentioned those Annals to Mr. Pope, who said he had dissuaded the Dean from publishing them; as the Facts contained in them were notoriously false. I was greatly astonished when Mr. P—n told me this, nor could I tell what to deter­mine: It seemed strange to me, that a Person of the Dean's good Sense and Ve­racity, should in the most solemn manner invocate the Almighty to bear Testimony to Falshoods, publicly known to be such. [Page 62] And yet as Mr. Pope was in Prose a Man of unquestioned Probity, and united to the Dean in the strictest Bonds of Friendship, and consequently, without doubt, well ac­quainted with the Transactions of those Times, we can hardly suppose he would speak in the manner he did, without just Grounds for so doing; and his Evidence seems strengthened by his being of the Ro­mish Religion, which must certainly incline him to wish well to a Prince of the same Faith. However, upon the whole, I am inclined to judge charitably of the Dean; and to believe, that tho' the Ministers fre­quently employed him as a Writer, and en­tertained him as a Companion; yet they had not let him into the Depth of their De­signs, the Mystery of Iniquity! So that what he relates in his Annals of the invio­lable Attachment of those in Power to the Hanover Succession and the Protestant Faith, might be by him believed to be Truth: For who so wise but may be de­ceived? And perhaps Mr. Pope's long and intimate Correspondence with Lord Bolling­broke gave him a better Knowledge of [Page 63] what was really intended at that critical Juncture. Pardon this Digression.

The Bell rang for Evening-Prayer, to which I accompanied the Dean. There is a fine Organ in this Church, which, with its antique Magnificence and so harmonious a Choir, brought Milton's Lines into my Mind:

On our Return to the Deanery-house, we found there waiting our coming Dr. Delany and Mr. Rochford, to whose Wife, A Letter of Advice to a new-married Lady, [Page 64] (published since in the Dean's Works) was written, and which by the bye, the Lady did not take as a Compliment, either to her or the Sex, Mr. P—n, Dr. Sheridan, Author of the Art of Punning, with two or three other Clergymen, (who usually passed Sunday Evening with the Dean) Mr. P—n and I were for going Home, but the Dean told us, ‘'He gave us leave to stay to Supper;'’ which from him was a sufficient Invitation. The Dean then pulled out of his Pocket, a little Gold Runlet, in which was a Bottle-Screw, and opening a Bottle of Wine, he decanted it off; the last Glass being muddy, he called to Mr. P—n to drink it: ‘'For, says he, I always keep some poor Parson to drink the foul Wine for me:'’ Mr. P—n, entering into his Humour, thank­ed him, and told him, ‘'He did not know the Difference, but was glad to get a Glass at any rate:'’ ‘'Why then, says the Dean, you shan't, for I'll drink it my­self: Why, P—x take you, you are wiser than a paultry Curate, whom I asked to dine with me a few Days ago; [Page 65] for upon my making the same Speech to him, he told me he did not understand such Usage, and so walked off without his Dinner. By the same Token, I told the Gentleman who recommended him to me, That the Fellow was a Blockhead, and I had done with him.'’

The Dean then missing his Golden Bottle-Screw, told me, very sternly, ‘'He was sure I had stolen it:'’ I affirmed, very serious­ly, ‘'I had not:'’ Upon which he looked for it, and found it where he himself had laid it; ‘''Tis well for you, says he, that I have got it, or I would have charged you with Theft:'’ ‘'Why, pray, Sir, should I be suspected more than any other Per­son in the Company?'’ ‘'For a very good Reason, says he, because you are the poorest.'’

There now came in, to sup with the Dean, one of the oddest little Mortals I ever met with: He formerly wrote the Gazetteer; and upon the Strength of be­ing an Author, and of having travelled, took upon him not only to dictate to the Company, but to contradict whatever any [Page 66] other Person advanced Right or Wrong, till he had entirely silenced them all: And then having the whole Talk to himself, (for, to my great Surprize, the Dean neither interrupted nor shewed any Dislike of him) he told us a whole String of Improbabi­lities, such as, ‘'That each Pillar of St. Peter's at Rome took up more Ground than a Convent which was near it, where­in were twelve Monks, with their Cha­pel, Garden, and Infirmary.'’ By this Account, every Pillar must take up, at least, half an Acre, and, considering the Number of them, we must conclude the Edifice to be some Miles in Circumference. No one present had ever been at Rome, except himself, so that he might tell us just what he thought proper.

I took notice, that before this dogma­tical Gentleman the Dean was most re­markably complaisant to Mr. P—n and me, and at our going away, the Dean would hand me down all the Steps to the Coach, thanking us for the Honour of our Company, at the same time sliding into my Hand as much Money as Mr. P—n [Page 67] and I had given at the Offering in the Morning, and Coach-hire also, which I durst not refuse, lest I should have been deemed as great a Blockhead as the Parson, who refused the thick Wine.

It has been a Matter of Dispute amongst the Learned, whether England or Ireland had the Honour of giving to the World this admirable Person; 'tis probable Posterity may contend this Point, as warmly as the seven Cities of Greece did the Birth-place of Homer: And tho' in reality, 'tis of no great Importance where a Man is born; yet as the Irish are the eternal Ridicule of the English for their Ignorance, I am proud Hibernia had the Happiness of producing this brilliant Wit, to redeem the Credit of the Country; and to convince the World, a Man may draw his first Breath there, and yet be learned, wise, generous, religi­ous, witty, social and polite.

The Account I have frequently heard the Dean give of himself, was, that he was born in Hoey's-Alley, in Warburgh's Parish, Dublin; his Father was a Lawyer, and re­turning from the Circuit, he unfortunately [Page 68] brought home the Itch with him, which he had got by lying in some foul Bed on the Road. Somebody advised him to use Mercury to cure it, which Prescription cost him his Life in a very few Days after his Return. The Dean was a posthumous Son to this Gentleman, but, as he said, came Time enough to save his Mother's Credit. He was given to an Irish Woman to nurse, whose Husband being in England, and writing to her to come to him; as she could not bear the Thoughts of parting with the Child, she very fairly took him with her, unknown to his Mother, or any of his Relations, who could learn no Tid­ings either of him or her for three Years; at the End of which Time, she returned to Ireland, and restored the Child to his Mo­ther, from whom she easily obtained a Par­don, both on account of the Joy she con­ceived at seeing her only Son again, when she had in a manner lost all Hope of it; as also, that it was plain, the Nurse had no other Motive for stealing him, but pure Affection, which the Women of I [...]land generally have in as eminent Degree, for [Page 69] the Children they nurse, as for their own Offspring.

I believe the Dean's early Youth did not promise that bright Day of Wit which has since enlightened the learned World. Whilst he was at the University of Dublin, he was so far from being distinguished for any Superiority of Parts or Learning, that he was stopped of his Degree as a Dunce. When I heard the Dean relate this Circum­stance, for I set down nothing but what I had from his own Mouth, I told him, I supposed he had been idle; but he affirmed to the contrary; assuring me, he was real­ly dull, which, if true, is very surprising.

I have often been led to look on the World as a Garden, and the human Minds as so many Plants, set by the Hand of the great Creator for Utility and Ornament. Thus, some we see, early produce beauti­ful Blossoms, and as soon fade away; others, whose Gems are more slow in un­folding, but more permanent, when blown; and others again, who tho' longer in arriving at Perfection, not only bless us then with Shade and Odour, but also with [Page 70] delicious wholesome Fruit. To go on with the Allegory, we often hear from Chil­dren very bright Sallies of Wit, and Re­flections above their Years: From these hopeful Beginnings we are apt to expect something very extraordinary in their Ma­turity, but how often are we disappointed? How often do we see these sparkling Chil­dren dwindle gradually into the most hum­drum Men and Women, as if, to make use of the Florists Phrase, the Blow was quite over; and some, whose Childhood has given no Presages of great Talents, have improved every Year, till they have brought forth the beautiful Flowers of Poetry and Rhetorick, and the rich Fruits of Wisdom and Virtue.

Whether this Comparison will hold, I submit to the Judgment of those who are better acquainted with the secret Workings of Nature, than I can presume to be. I am afraid of going out of my Depth, and yet I have a great Inclination to say a little more on this Subject.

I have known a Person, who in his Youth was an extraordinary Adept in Music, and [Page 71] performed on several Instruments extreme­ly well. I saw the same Person some Years after; and lo! his musical Talent was entire­ly lost, and he was then a very good Painter. Now I could not help forming a Notion in my own Mind, that as our Ideas depend on the Fibres of the Brain, it was possible we might by the continual Use of some particular one, weaken it so as to make it perish; and at the same time, another might exert from that very Cause itself with dou­ble Strength. Thus, I suppose, when this Gentleman's musical Fibres perished, his painting ones shot forth with Vigour. If there be any Truth in this Whim of mine, which, I own, I am fond of believing my­self, we may easily account for the various Dispositions which we meet with, even in the same Person at different Periods of Life.

But to return. Altho' it is not in my Power to give a succinct Account of the Dean's Life, neither have I any intention to attempt it, yet I believe I am better qualified to do it, than most of those who have undertaken it, as they were absolute [Page 72] Strangers to him, and relate Things upon Hearsay. The Dean, for the latter Part of his Life, contracting his Acquaintance into a very narrow Compass, for as he was fre­quently deaf, he thought this Infirmity made him troublesome, and therefore kept no Company but such as he could be so free with, as to bid them speak loud, or repeat what they had said; it was owing to this, that Mr. P—n and I frequently passed whole Days with him, while Numbers of our betters were excluded; and as he was like another Nestor, full of Days and Wis­dom, so like him, he was pretty much upon the Narrative, than which nothing could be more delightful to me, as Pleasure and Instruction flowed from his Lips:

I remember in one of these periodica [...] Fits of Deafness, for they returned on certain Seasons on him, he sent for me earl [...] in the Morning; he told me when I came [Page 73] he had found Employment for me; so he brought to me out of his Study a large Book, very finely bound in Turkey Lea­ther, and handsomely gilt; this, says he, is a Translation of the Epistles of Horace, a Present to me from the Author, it is a spe­cial good Cover! But I have a Mind there should be something valuable within side of it; so taking out his Penknife, he cut out all the Leaves close to the inner Mar­gin. Now, says he, I will give these what they greatly want, and put them all into the Fire. He then brought out two Draw­ers filled with Letters: Your Task, Ma­dam, is to paste in these Letters, in this Cover, in the Order I shall give them to you; I intended to do it myself, but that I thought it might be a pretty Amusement for a Child, so I sent for you. I told him, I was extremely proud to be honoured with his Commands: But, Sir, may I presume to make a Request to you, yes, says he, but ten to one I shall deny it. I hope not, Sir, it is this; may I have leave to read the Letters as I go on? Why, provided you will acknowledge yourself amply re­warded [Page 74] for your Trouble, I do not much care if I indulge you so far; but are you sure you can read? I do not know, Sir, I will try. Well then begin with this: It was a Letter from Lord Bolingbroke, dated six o'Clock in the Morning; it began with a Remark, how differently that Hour ap­peared to him now rising cool, serene, and temperate, to contemplate the Beauties of Nature, to what it had done in some for­mer Parts of his Life, when he was either in the midst of Excesses, or returning Home sated with them; so he proceeded to describe the numberless Advantages with which Temperance and Virtue bless their Votaries, and the Miseries which attend a contrary Course. The Epistle was pretty long, and the most refined Piece of moral Philosophy I ever met with, as indeed eve­ry one of his were, and I had the unspeak­able Delight of reading several of them.

Nor can I be at all surprized, that Mr. Pope should so often celebrate a Genius, who, for Sublimity of Thought, and Ele­gance of Stile, had few Equals. The rest of the Dean's Correspondents were, the [Page 75] Lady Masham, the Earl of Oxford, Dr. Atterbury, Bishop Burnet, Lord Bathurst, Mr. Addison, Archdeacon Parnell, Mr. Congreve, Mr. Pultney, Mr. Pope, Mr. Gay, Dr. Arbuthnot; a noble and a learn­ed Set! So my Readers may judge what a Banquet I had. I could not avoid remark­ing to the Dean, that notwithstanding the Friendship Mr. Pope professed for Mr. Gay, he could not forbear a great many satirical, or, if I may be allowed to say so, envious Remarks on the Success of the Beggar's Opera. The Dean very frankly owned, he did not think Mr. Pope was so candid to the Merits of other Writers, as he ought to be. I then ventured to ask the Dean, whe­ther he thought the Lines Mr. Pope ad­dresses him with, in the Beginning of the Dunciad, were any Compliment to him? viz.

‘'I believe, says he, they were meant as such; but they are very stiff;'—’ ‘'Indeed, [Page 76] Sir, said I, he is so perfectly a Master of harmonious Number, that had his Heart been in the least affected with his Subject, he must have writ better;'’ ‘'How cold, how forced, are his Lines to you, com­pared with yours to him:'’

Here we see the masterly Poet, and the warm, sincere, generous Friend; while he, according to the Character he gives of Mr. Addison, damns with faint Praise.— ‘'Well, replied the Dean, I will shew you a late Letter of his to me;'’ he did so; and I own I was surprized to find it filled with low and ungentleman-like Reflections both on Mr. Gay and the two noble Persons who honoured him with their Patronage after his Disappointment at Court. ‘'Well, Madam, said the Dean, what do you think of that Letter? (seeing I had gone quite through it:)—’ ‘'Indeed, Sir, re­turned I, I am sorry I have read it; for it gives me Reason to think there is no [Page 77] such thing as a sincere Friend to be met with in the World.'’ ‘'Why, replied he, Authors are as jealous of their Preroga­tive as Kings, and can no more bear a Rival in the Empire of Wit, than a Mo­narch could in his Dominions.'’ ‘'But, Sir, said I, here is a Latin Sentence writ in Italics, which, I suppose, means some­thing particular; will you be so kind to explain it?'’ ‘'No, replied he, smiling,—I will leave that for your Husband to do;—I will send for him to come and dine with us, and in the mean time we will go and take a Walk in Naboth's Vineyard:'’ ‘'Where may that be, pray, Sir?'—’ ‘'Why a Garden—I cheated one of my Neighbours out of.'—’When we entered the Garden, or rather the Field, which was square, and inclosed with a Stone Wall, the Dean asked me how I liked it? ‘'Why pray, said I, where is the Garden?'’ ‘'Look behind you,'’ said he; I did so, and observed the South Wall was lined with Brick, and a great Num­ber of Fruit Trees planted against it, which being then in Blossom, looked very beau­tiful. [Page 78] ‘'What are you so intent on, said the Dean?'’ ‘'The opening Blooms, Sir, which brought Waller's Lines to my Re­membrance:— Hope waits upon the flow'ry Prime.’

‘'Oh! replied he, you are in a poetical Vein; I thought you had been taking Notice of my Wall, it is the best in Ire­land; when the Masons were building it, (as most Tradesmen are Rogues) I watched them very close, and as often as they could, they put in a rotten Stone, of which however, I took no Notice, till they had built three or four Perches be­yond it; now as I am an absolute Monarch in the Liberties ^*, and King of the Mob, my Way with them, was to have the Wall thrown down to the Place where I observed the rotten Stone, and by doing so five or six Times, the Workmen were at last convinced it was their Interest to be honest;'’ or else, Sir, said I, your Wall ‘'would have been as tedious a Piece of [Page 79] Work as Penelope's Web, if all that was done in the Day was to be undone at Night:'’ ‘'Well, answered he, I find you have Poetry for every Occasion; but as you cannot keep Pace with me in walk­ing; (for indeed I was not quite so light then, as I had been some Months before) I would have you sit down on that little Bank, till you are rested or I tired, to put us more upon a Par.'’

I seated myself, and away the Dean walk­ed, or rather trolled, as hard as ever he could drive. I could not help smiling at his odd Gait, for I thought to myself, he had written to so much in Praise of Horses, that he was resolved to imitate them as nearly as he could: As I was indulging this Fancy, the Dean returned to me, and gave me a strong Confirmation of his Par­tiality to those Animals; ‘'I have been considering, Madam, as I walked, said he, what a Fool Mr. P—n was to marry you, for he could have afforded to keep a Horse for less Money than you cost him, and that, you must confess, would have given him better Exercise and [Page 80] more Pleasure than a Wife:—Why you laugh, and do not answer me—is not it Truth?'’ ‘'I must answer you, Sir, with another Question; Pray how can a Batchelor judge of this Matter?'’ ‘'I find, said he, you are vain enough to give yourself the Preference:'’ ‘'I do, Sir, to that Species here, a Huyoniam, I would, as becomes me, give Place to: But, Sir, it is going to rain;'—’ ‘'I hope not, said he, for that will cost me Six-pence for a Coach for you, (this Garden being at some Distance from his House) come, haste: O how the Tester trembles in my Pocket!'’ I obeyed, and we got in a Doors just Time enough to escape a heavy Shower. ‘'Thank God, said the Dean, I have saved my Money; here, you Fel­low, (to his Servant) carry this Six-pence to the lame old Man that sells Ginger­bread at the Corner, because he tries to do something, and does not beg.'’

The Dean shewed me into a little Street-Parlour, (where sat his Housekeeper, a matron-like Gentlewoman at Work) ‘'Here, says he, Mrs. Brent, take Care of this [Page 81] Child, meaning me) and see she does no Mischief, while I take my Walk out within Doors:'’ The Deanery-House has I know not how many Pair of Back-Stairs in it; the preceding Dean who built it being, it seems, extremely fearful of Fire, was resolved there should be many Ways to escape in case of Danger.

The Dean then ran up the Great-Stairs, down one Pair of Back-Stairs, up another, in so violent a Manner, that I could not help expressing my Uneasiness to the good Gentlewoman, lest he should fall, and be hurted; she said, ‘'It was a customary Ex­ercise with him, when the Weather did not permit him to walk abroad.'’

I told Mrs. Brent, ‘'I believed the Dean was extremely charitable;'’ ‘'Indeed, Ma­dam, replied she, No body can be more so; his Income is not above six hundred Pounds a Year, and every Year he gives above the Half of it in private Pensions to decayed Families; besides this, he keeps five hundred Pounds in the constant Ser­vice of the industrious Poor: This he lends out in five Pounds at a Time, and [Page 82] takes the Payment back at twelve Pence a Week; this does them more Service, than if he gave it to them entirely, as it obliges them to work, and at the same Time keeps up this charitable Fund for the Assistance of many. You cannot i­magine what Numbers of poor Tradesmen, who have even wanted proper Tools to carry on their Work, have by this small Loan, been put into a prosperous Way, and brought up their Families in Credit. The Dean, added she, has found out a new Method of being charitable, in which however, I believe, he will have but few Followers; which is, to debar himself of what he calls the Superfluities of Life, in order to administer to the Necessities of the Distressed; you just now saw an In­stance of it, the Money a Coach would have cost him, he gave to a poor Man, unable to walk; when he dines alone, he drinks a Pint of Beer, and gives away the Price of a Pint of Wine; and thus he acts in numberless Instances.'’

My Reader will, I hope, do me the Jus­tice to believe I was quite charmed with this [Page 83] Account of the Dean's beneficent Spirit; and I no longer wondered so many of the Clergy endeavoured to depreciate him; for, as it is well known, there are not, in the general, a more voluptuous Set of Men living, this Doctrine of Self-denial. was enough to make them pour out all their Anathema's on him, and brand him with the Name of Atheist, Unbeliever, and such like Terms, as they in their Christian Zeal thought proper to bestow.

I before admired the Dean as a Person of distinguished Genius, but now I learned to revere him as the Angel of Ireland. The Dean running into the Parlour, threw a whole Packet of Manuscript Poems into my Lap, and so he did for five or six Times successively, till I had an Apron full of Wit and Novelty, (for they were all of his own Writing,) and such as had not then been made public, and many of them, I believe, never will. Mr. P—n coming, according to the Dean's Desire, to Dinner, found me deeply engaged, and sat down to partake of my Entertainment, till we were summoned to Table, to a less [Page 84] noble Part. ‘'Well, Mr. P—n, said the Dean, I hope you are jealous; I have had your Wife a good many Hours, and as she is a likely Girl, and I a very young Man, ( Note, he was upwards of Threescore) you do not know what may have happened: Tho' I must tell you, you are very partial to her; for here I have not been acquainted with her above six Months, and I have al­ready discovered two intolerable Faults in her; 'tis true, I looked sharp, or per­haps they might have escaped my No­tice: Nay, Madam, do not look sur­prised, I am resolved to tell your Hus­band, that he may break you of them.'’ ‘'Indeed, Sir, returned I, my Surprize is, that you have not found out two and fifty in half that time; but let me know them, and I will mend of them, if I can.'’ ‘'Well put in, says he, for I be­lieve you can't; but eat your Dinner, however, for they are not capital.'’ I obeyed, yet was very impatient to know my particular Errors; he told me, ‘'I should hear of them Time enough.'’

[Page 85]The Things being taken away; ‘'Now, good Sir, said I, tell me what I do amiss, that I may reform;'’ ‘'No, returned he; but I'll tell your Husband before your Face to shame you the more:—In the first Place, Mr. P—n, she had the in­solence this Morning, not only to desire to read the Writings of the most cele­brated Genius's of the Age, in which I indulged her; but she must also, for­sooth, pretend to praise or censure them,' as if she knew something of the Matter; indeed her Remarks were not much a­miss, considering they were Guess-Work; but this Letter here of Mr. Pope's she has absolutely condemned; read it, (he did so;) take notice of it, said the Dean; she would also have had me explain that Latin Sentence to her, but I had some Modesty, tho' she had none you see.'’ ‘'Why, Sir, said I, sure Mr. Pope would not (especially to you) write any thing which even a Virgin might not read.'’ Now, Mr. P—n, ‘'said the Dean, is her Curiosity at work; I'll be hang'd if she lets you sleep to­night till you have satisfied it. But this [Page 86] is not all; she had the Vanity to affirm, that she thought herself preferable to a Horse, and more capable of giving you pleasure: Nay, she laugh'd in my Face for being of a different Opinion; and asked me how a Batchelor should know any thing of the Matter? If you don't take down her Pride, there will be no bearing her.'’

‘'Indeed, Sir, said Mr. P—n, 'tis your Fault that she is so conceited; she was always disposed to be saucy, but since you have done her the honour to take notice of her, and make her your Companion, there is no such thing as mortifying her.'’ ‘'Very fine, said the Dean, I have got much by complaining to you, to have all your Wife's Faults laid at my Door.'’ ‘'Well, Sir, said I; all these Misdemeanors may be included under the Article of Pride: Now, let me know my other Crime:'’ ‘'Why, said he, you can't walk fast; but at pre­sent, I excuse you.'’ ‘'Well, Sir, if I can't mend my Pride, I'll try to mend my Pace.'’ ‘Mr. P—n, said he, I [Page 87] 'have a mind to clip your Wife's Wit.'’ ‘'Indeed, Sir, said I, that's Death by Law, for 'tis Sterling.'’ ‘'Shut up your Mouth, for all Day, Letty, said Mr. P—n, for that Answer is real Wit.'’ ‘Nay, 'said the Dean, I believe we had better shut up our own, for at this rate she'll be too many for us.'’ I am sure, if I was not proud before, this was enough to make me so.

The Dean guessed right, when he said, I would not let Mr. P—n sleep till he had explained to me the Latin Sentence in Mr. Pope's Letter; which, at my Request, he did. And, indeed, none but such a wicked Wit could have contrived to turn the Words of our blessed Saviour, so as to make them convey a very impure, as well as a most uncharitable, Idea to the Mind.

Feuds ran so high between my Mother and Mr. P—n, that my Life became very unhappy. So we determined to quit my Father's House for a little one of our own, which my Husband's Father made us a Present of; and which, by the Bounty of our Friends, who came a House­warming [Page 88] to us, was soon elegantly fur­nished; there was a large Garden to it, which Mr. P—n laid out in a most beautiful Taste, and built a delightful Sum­mer-house in it, fit indeed for a Nobleman; here we usually entertained our Friends; here also we both invoked the Muse. Mr. P—n coming in Curate, (by the Remo­val of Dr. Owens to a Living, of whose Behaviour to me in my Misfortunes, I shall have occasion to speak) and by having the Honour of being Chaplain to Lady Charlemont, with an annual Allowance I had from my Father, our Income was about one hundred Pounds a Year; so that having no Rent to pay, and having my Father's Coach and Table always at our Command, we could, in so cheap a Coun­try as Ireland, live in a very decent Man­ner; as Dr. Swift mentions our doing in a Letter of his to Mr. Pope, now pub­lished amongst others.

The Dean came to dine with us in our Lilliputian Palace, as he called it, and who could have thought it? He just looked into the Parlour, and ran up into the Gar­ret, [Page 89] then into my Bed-chamber and Li­brary, and from thence down to the Kit­chen; and well it was for me that the House was very clean; for he compli­mented me on it, and told me, ‘'That was his Custom; and that 'twas from the Cleanliness of the Garret and Kitchen he judged of the good Housewifery of the Mistress of the House; for no doubt, but a Slut would have the Rooms clean, where the Guests were to be entertained.'’

He really was sometimes very rude, even to his Superiors, of which the following Story, related to me by himself, may serve as one Instance amongst a thousand others.

The last time he was in London, he went to dine with the Earl of Burlington, who was then but newly married. My Lord being willing, I suppose, to have some Di­version, did not introduce him to his La­dy, nor mention his Name: 'Tis to be observed, his Gown was generally very rusty, and his Person no way extraordinary.—After Dinner, said the Dean, ‘'Lady Burlington, I hear you can sing; sing me a Song.'’ The Lady looked on this [Page 90] unceremonious manner of asking a Favour with Distaste, and positively refused him. He said, she should sing, or he would make her. ‘'Why, Madam, I suppose you take me for one of your poor paul­try English Hedge Parsons; sing, when I bid you.'’ As the Earl did nothing but laugh at this Freedom, the Lady was so vexed that she burst into Tears, and retired.

His first Compliment to her, when he saw her again, was, ‘'Pray, Madam, are you as proud and as ill-natured now, as when I saw you last?'’ To which she an­swered with great good Humour,— ‘'No, Mr. Dean; I'll sing for you, if you please.'’—From which time he con­ceived great Esteem for her. But who that knew him would take offence at his Bluntness? It seems Queen Caroline did not, if we may credit his own Lines, wherein he declares, That he

I cannot recollect that ever I saw the Dean laugh; perhaps he thought it beneath him; for when any Pleasantry passed, which might have excited it, he used to suck in his Cheeks, as Folks do when they have a Plug of Tobacco in their Mouths, to avoid Risibility. He frequent­ly put me in mind of Shakespear's Descrip­tion of Cassius:

As the Dean, and, after his Example, Mr. P—n, were eternally satyrizing and [Page 92] ridiculing the Female Sex; I had a very great inclination to be even with them, and expose the Inconstancy of Men; and bor­rowing a Hint from a Story in the Peru­vian Tales, I formed from it the follow­ing Poem; and I hope it will be acceptable to my fair Readers, as it is peculiarly ad­dressed to them.

[Page 107]I doubt not but the World will expect to hear from me some of the Dean's A­mours, as he has not quite escaped Censure, on account of his Gallantries; but here I am not able to oblige my Reader, he be­ing too far advanced in Years, when I first had the honour of being known to him, for Amusements of that kind. I make no doubt but he has often been the Object of Love, and his Cadenus and Vanessa seem to assure us, that he was the Favourite of one Lady; but to speak my Sentiments, I really believe it was a Passion he was whol­ly unacquainted with, and which he would have thought it beneath the Dignity of his Wisdom to entertain. Not that I ever imagined he was an Enemy to the Fair; for when he found them docile, he took great pleasure to instruct them: And if I have any Merit, as a Writer, I must gratefully acknowledge it due to the pains he took to teach me to think and speak with Propriety; tho', to tell the Truth, he was a very rough sort of a Tutor for one of my Years and Sex; for whenever [Page 108] I made use of an inelegant Phrase, I was sure of a deadly Pinch, and frequently re­ceived Chastisement before I knew my Crime. However I am convinced, had he thought me incorrigibly dull, I should have escaped without Correction; and the black and blue Favours I received at his Hands, were meant for Merit, tho' be­stowed on me. Yet tho', to my Shame I own it, I was fond of Admiration to a Fault, and a little too much upon the Co­quette, for a married Woman, I would at any Time give up any Pleasure or Gai­ty, for the more rationaln Etertainment of the Dean's Conversation.

Five Years rolled insensibly away in a Kind of tolerable Happiness, as Lady Town­ly terms it; but that it seems, I was not much longer to enjoy: However, before I begin to speak of Offence and Trouble, I shall endeavour to enliven my Narration with all the little amusing Incidents I can possibly recollect.

The following Trifle, as it was produc­tive of a handsome Letter to me from the Dean, and of more Honour than I could [Page 109] possibly expect from it, my Vanity will not let me omit. My Brother teized me one Evening to write some Verse as a School Exercise for him, I asked him what I should write upon; Why, said he pertly, what should you write upon but the Paper? So taking it for my Subject, I wrote the fol­lowing Lines.

[Page 110]As the Lines did not suit my Brother's Purpose, they lay carelessly on the Table, when a Lady of Distinction, who was going to England, came to take her leave of us: She would examine what I had been scrib­bling, and seemed so well pleased with my Rhymes, that she did them the Honour to put them in her Pocket-Book, and I never thought more of them.

About four Years after this, making a Visit to Baron Wainwright's Lady, she told me, she had got a very pretty Poem from London, wrote by the Lord Chancellor Tal­bot's Daughter, a young Lady of but twelve Years of Age, and desired I would read them for the Good of the Company; but how great was my Surprize, to find they were the above Lines! however, I went through my Task, and Mrs. Wainwright asked my Opinion of them, and seemed impatient at my Silence. I told her, the young Lady must have wrote them at least four Years before, because I had seen them so long ago. Upon which the Baron said, that he also remembered them, and that he was told by the Person he saw them with, [Page 111] that they were writ by a very young Girl, who was married to a Clergyman in Ire­land. My smiling made them guess at the Person, and at the same Time excused me for being not over forward to praise them. When I returned home, I found a Letter from Mr. P—n, who was in London, with a News Paper inclosed, wherein the above Poem was printed. I related this to the Dean, who ordered me to send the Lines to him. The next Morning a Lady came to visit me, who told me, it being the Dean's Birth-Day, he had received a Book very richly bound and clasped with Gold, from the Earl of Orrery, with a handsome Poem, wrote by himself to the Dean, in the first Page, the rest being blank; and that Dr. Delany had sent him a silver Standish, with a complimentary Poem. ‘'Why then, said I, as the Dean is furnished with Paper and Ink, it is the least I can do to send him a Pen;'’ so having a fine Eagle's Quill, I wrapt it into the following Lines, and sent it to the Dean, and also the Bit of a News Paper, [Page 112] wherein the Lines on PAPER were printed in London.

On New-Year's-Day I received from the Dean the following Letter.

But as I have mentioned Mr. P—n's being in London, I ought also to inform my Reader what Inducement he had to quit his Family for a whole Year, which was as fol­lows. Dr. Swift had, in Queen Anne's Reign, been the first Promoter of Alderman Barber, who afterwards by many lucky Ac­cidents rose to be Lord Mayor of London, which Station he filled with distinguished Abilities, and retained so grateful a Sense of the Dean's Fa [...]ur to him, that he made him the Compliment of nominating a Chap­lain to him; the Dean offered this Honour to Mr. P—n, who gladly accepted of [Page 115] it, and came home in high Spirits to ac­quaint me with his Preferment; but what­ever Joy it brought to him, I was quite sunk in Sorrow at the Thoughts of parting for so long a Time with one I so dearly loved. All his Friends were against his going; and the late Primate Dr. Hoadly, then Archbishop of Dublin, remonstrated to him, that serving under a Person so re­markably disaffected as the Alderman, might very probably prejudice him in the Eyes of the Government; but all in vain. Mr. P—n was ever rash, obstinate, and self-willed; and should I add treacherous, cruel, and ungrateful, I should not wrong the Truth; but however unwilling I am to speak harshly of the Husband of my Youth, and the Father of my Children, I must draw his Character, wherein I will

That he is both a Scholar, and a Man of Genius, all who know him must allow; but like Mr. Pope he is so plagued with Envy, [Page 116] that he even hated me because I could write, and took an invincible Aversion to Coun­sellor Smith, because he excelled him on the Harpsichord. It happened one Evening that this Gentleman sung and played to us the Oratorio of Queen Esther; unfortunate­ly for me I was so charmed with it, that at the Conclusion of the Music I wrote the following Lines.

As the Lines were wrote off-hand, as, to say the Truth, every Thing of mine is, for I am too volatile to revise or correct any thing I write, Mr. Smith complimented Mr. P—n on having a Wife who could write better than himself, he supposing Mr. P—n to be so much the Lover, that he would be delighted with my Praise, and join in it. But, lack-a-day! he little knew what I was to suffer for the Superiority of Genius he was pleased to ascribe to me. I then was continually told with a contemp­tuous jibing Air, O my Dear! a Lady of your Accomplishments! why Mr. Smith says you write better than I; and to be sure he is a great Judge! But another unlucky Accident likewise happened: How fatal to me has Praise been! We supped at the [Page 118] Dean's, and I had been reading out, by his Command, some of his prosaic Work; he was pleased to say I acquitted myself so well, that I should have a Glass of his best Wine, and sent Mr. P—n to the Cellar for it. The Dean in the mean Time said to me, ‘'I would have every Man write his own English.'’ ‘'To be sure, Sir, said I, that would be best.'’ ‘'Ay, to be sure, Sir; you give me an Answer, and P—x take you, I am sure you do not under­stand my Meaning.'’ ‘'Very possible, Sir; but I certainly understand my own, when I have any.'’ ‘'Well then, what do you understand by writing one's own Eng­lish?'’ ‘'Why really, Sir, not to confine one's self to a Set of Phrases, as some of our antient English Historians, Camden in particular, seems to have done, but to make use of such Words as naturally oc­cur on the Subject.'’ ‘'Hush! says he, your Husband is coming; I will put the same Question to him.'’ He did so; and Mr. P—n answered, ‘'To be sure a Man ought to write good English.'’ ‘'Nay, but his own English; I say his own; [Page 119] what do you understand by that?'’ ‘'Why, Sir, said he, what should I un­derstand?'’ ‘'P—x on you for a Dunce, said he; were your Wife and you to sit for a Fellowship, I would give her one sooner than admit you a Sizar.'’

And now my Business was compleatly done. Mr. P—n viewed me with scornful, yet with jealous Eyes. And tho' I never presumed to vye with him for Pre­eminence, well knowing he not only surpas­sed me in natural Talents, but also had the Advantage of having those Talents im­proved by Learning; and was sensible the Compliments I received were rather paid to me as a Woman, in whom any thing a Degree above Ignorance appears surpriz­ing, than to any Merit I really possessed; he thought proper to insult me every Mo­ment. Indeed he did not beat me, which some of the good-natured Ladies have brought as an Argument that he was an ex­cellent Husband; but how a Clergyman should strike a Wife, who never contra­dicted him, and who was the most remark­ably gentle, even of her own soft Sex, I [Page 120] know not. Besides, I had then a dear and honoured Father to protect me. I am sure I may say with Ophelia,

Then was I left defenceless to all the In­juries my Husband's subtle Cruelty could devise against open unsuspecting Innocence.

Another trivial Accident also offended my Husband. He was one Winter's Eve­ning reading Horace, and said he would engage to write an Ode exactly in his Man­ner; so he directly set about it. The Fan­cy came into my Head to write one also, though I understood not a Word of Latin, nor knew no more of the Poet than from the English Translations. My Lines were as follow:

As I had finished my Task first, I shewed it to Mr. P—n, who, contrary to my Expectation, (for I imagined he would be pleased) was very angry, and told me the Dean had made me mad, that the Lines were Nonsense, and that a Needle became [Page 122] a Woman's Hand better than a Pen and Ink. So to bring him into Temper I praised his Ode highly, and threw my own into the Fire. And here let me seriously advise every Lady, who has the Misfortune to be poetically turned, never to marry a Poet, but remember Swift's Lines:

And if a Man cannot bear his Friend should write, much less can he endure it in his Wife; it seems to set them too much upon a Level with their Lords and Masters; and this I take to be the true Reason why even Men of Sense discountenance Learning in Women, and commonly chuse for Mates the most illiterate and stupid of the Sex; and [Page 123] then bless their Stars their Wife is not a Wit.

But if a Remark be true, which I have somewhere read, that a foolish Woman never brought forth a wise Son, I think the Gentle­men should have some Regard to the Intel­lects of those they espouse.

But to return from this long tho' necessa­ry Digression, and take things a little more in their Order. Mr. P—n, contrary to every body's Advice, who had any Re­gard for him, went for England. I was very desirous of going with him; but he told me plainly he did not want such an In­cumbrance as a Wife, and that he did not intend to pass there for a married Man; and that in short he could not taste any Pleasure where I was. As this was a Secret I did not know before, I received it with Asto­nishment; for amidst all his wayward Moods, I ever imagined till then that he loved me, and that the many ill natured Speeches he made me were rather the Effect of a bad Temper, than any settled Aversion he had taken against me; especially as I observed he treated every body with Con­tempt, [Page 124] even Persons every Way superior to him (the Dean alone excepted, to whom he paid even a servile Complaisance.) And tho' he now fairly plucked off the Mask, and let me see my Mistake, I could hardly give him Credit; so unwilling are we to believe Truth, when it runs counter to our Wishes.

The next Day he went on board the Yacht in Company with Mr. Edward Walpole, to whom he was recommended by a Man of Quality since dead, and left me and my three Children almost without an Adieu: So eagerly did he seek his own Destruction.

I am hardly able to describe the various Emotions with which my Heart was agitated on his Departure. Love, Grief, and Re­sentment for his last Speech, by Turns possessed it. However, I received a very kind Letter from him from Chester, which made me a little easy; and as my Friends seldom permitted me to be alone, I did not give much way to Melancholy.

I believe it will be expected from the general Reflections I have thrown out a­gainst the Clergy, that I should descend to [Page 125] Particulars, and expose by Name the Guilty; but this invidious Task I must decline: Be­sides, as Angelo says in Measure for Mea­sure, when he is tempting a Virgin, and she threatens to expose him;

Besides, I should arm a formidable Body against me, who would not fail, sooner or later, to take ample Vengeance. As unfor­giving as a Churchman, is become prover­bial; so, as I am a Sort of a Priestess, I will, like a faithful Mother-Confessor, keep the Secrets of my ghostly Brethren.

I have another Inducement to Silence, not I must own quite so good-natured, which is, that I have a malignant Pleasure in keeping those in Awe, who awe all the World beside, which I should lose the Mo­ment [Page 126] I had done my worst. I remember a certain Gentleman, who happening to be guilty of a venial Transgression with a mean Woman, it unluckily manifested itself: The Gentleman was young, and had a very severe Father, who gave him but a scanty Allowance, all of which did not satisfy the mercenary Wretch of a Woman, who hop­ing to gain more, went and told her Story to his Father; the Consequence of which was, that she never afterwards had a Shil­ling from either.

The Innocent cannot take Offence, and for the Guilty, I will for the present with the charitable Ghost in Hamlet,

[Page 127]But once more to gather up my Clue. I received so passionately tender a Letter from London from Mr. P—n, that I quite forgot all his Unkindness; and sit­ting down to answer it, without the least Intention of Rhyming, the following Lines flowed from my Pen:

The Dean had given Mr. P—n Let­ters of Recommendation to several eminent Persons in England, and amongst the rest, one to Mr. Pope; who, no sooner received it, but he invited Mr. P—n to pass a Fortnight with him at Twickenham, he not being yet entered on his Office of Chaplain. I received from him from thence a Letter filled with Mr. Pope's Praises, and the ex­traordinary Regard he shewed him, intro­ducing him to several Noblemen, and even oppressing him with Civilities, which he modestly attributed to Mr. Pope's Respect for the Dean, and handsomely acknowledg­ed the Obligation. As I thought this a very proper Letter to communicate, I went directly with it to the Deanery. The Dean read it over with a fix'd Attention, and re­turning it to me, he told me, he had, by the same Pacquet, received a Letter from Mr. Pope, which, with somewhat of a stern Brow, he put into my Hand, and walked [Page 130] out into the Garden. I was so startled at his Austerity, that I was for some Minutes unable to open it, and when I did, the Con­tents greatly astonished me. The Substance of it was, that he had, in pure Complai­sance to the Dean, entertained Mr. P—n; but that he was surprised he should be so mistaken, to recommend him as a modest ingenious Man, who was a most forward, shallow, conceited Fellow: That in the Hope of having an agreeable Companion, he had invited him to pass a Fortnight with him, which he heartily repented, being sick of his Impertinence, before the End of the third Day; and a great deal more, much to the same Purpose. By the time I had read it thro', the Dean returned, and asked me, what I thought of it? I told him, I was sure Mr. P—n did not deserve the Character Mr. Pope had given of him; and that he was highly ungenerous to caress and abuse him at the same time. Upon this the Dean lost all Patience, and flew into such a Rage, that he quite terrified me; he asked me, Why I did not swear that my Husband was six Foot high? And, Did I [Page 131] think myself a better Judge than Mr. Pope? or, Did I presume to give him the Lie? and a thousand other Extravagancies. As I durst not venture to speak a Word more, my Heart swelled so that I burst into Tears, which, he attributing to Pride and Resent­ment, made him, if possible, ten times more angry, and I am not sure he would not have beat me; but that, fortunately for me, a Gentleman came to visit him. As I was in a violent Passion of Tears, the Dean did not bring him into the Room where I was, but went to receive him in another, and I gladly laid hold of that opportunity of making my escape from his Wrath.

The next Morning early I wrote him a Letter, expressive of the Anxiety I was un­der, lest I had any way offended him; and assured him, which was Truth, my Tears did not flow from Pride, but from the Ap­prehension I had, that Mr. Pope might in­fluence him to withdraw his Favour from us. I added on my own Part, that even if I was partial to Mr. P—n, I hoped it was the most pardonable Error a Wife could be guilty of; and concluded with begging, if [Page 132] he had any Regard for my Peace, he would honour me with an Answer. By the Re­turn of the Messenger I received the fol­lowing Lines:

[Page 133]Accordingly I waited on the Dean about five o'Clock in the Evening, an Hour I knew he would be free from Company. He received me with great Kindness, and told me, he would write a Letter of Ad­vice to Mr. P—n; ‘'But, said he, should you acquaint him with this Letter of Pope's, he might, perhaps, resent it to him, and make him an Enemy.'’ How kind! how considerate was this! The Dean then shewed me the Poem he wrote on his own Death; when I came to that Part of it,

I was so sensibly affected, that my Eyes filled with Tears: The Dean observing it, said, ‘'Phoo, I am not dead yet—but you shall not read any more now.'’ I then earnestly requested he would let me take it home with me, which he did on certain Conditions, which were, that I should neither shew it to any body, nor copy it, and that I should send it to him [Page 134] by Eight o'Clock the next Morning; all which I punctually performed.

But the Dean did not know what sort of a Memory I had, when he intrusted me with his Verse: I had no occasion for any other Copy, than what I had registred in the Book and Volume of my Brain: I could repeat the whole Poem, and could not forbear delighting some particular Friends with a Rehearsal of it. This reached the Dean's Ear, who imagined I plaid him false, and sent for me to come to him. When I entered, he told me, I had broke my Word with him, and consequently for­feited all the good Opinion he had ever conceived of me. I looked, as I think he generally made me do, like a Fool; I asked what I had done? He told me, I had copied his Poem, and shewn it round the Town. I assured him, I had not. He said I lyed, and produced a Poem some­thing like it, published in London, and told me, from reading it about, that odd Bur­lesque on it had taken rise. He bade me read it, aloud. I did so, and could not forbear laughing, as I plainly perceived, [Page 135] tho' he had endeavoured to disguise his Stile, that the Dean had burlesqued himself; and made no manner of scruple to tell him so. He pretended to be very angry, asked me, did I ever know him write Triplets? and told me, I had neither Taste nor Judgment, and knew no more of Poetry than a Horse. I told him I would confess it, provided he would seriously give me his Word, he did not write that Poem. He said, P—x take me for a Dunce. I then assured him, I did not copy his Poem; but added, when I read any thing peculiar­ly charming, I never forgot it; and that I could repeat not only all his Works, but all Shakespear's, which I put to this Trial; I desired him to open any Part of it, and read a Line, and I would engage to go on with the whole Speech; as we were in his Library, he directly made the Experiment: The Line he first gave me, he had pur­posely picked out for its singular Oddness:

[Page 136] I readily went on with the whole Speech, and did so several times, that he tried me with different Plays. The Dean then took down Hudibras, and ordered me to examine him in it, as he had done me in Shakespear; and, to my great Surprize, I found he re­membered every Line, from Beginning to End of it. I say, it surprized me, because I had been misled by Mr. Pope's Remark,

To think Wit and Memory incompatible things. I told the Dean he had convinced me the old Proverb was false; and, indeed, I know not how any Person can be witty without a good Memory. When I returned home, I found I had not been mistaken in the Opinion I had conceived, that the Dean had burlesqued his own Poem. I had a Confirmation of it in a Letter from Mr. P—n, to whom he had sent it, to have it printed in London.

[Page 137]My Evening's Chat with the Dean fur­nished me with Matter of Speculation on that most amazing Faculty of the human Mind, Memory; which, according to my usual Custom, I threw into Rhime, and hope it will not be displeasing to my Reader.

My Reader may now plainly perceive, I was most incorrigibly devoted to Versifying, and all my Spouse's wholesome Admoni­tions had no manner of Effect on me: In short, I believe this scribbling Itch is an in­curable Disease; for tho' Horace says ^*, taking some Physic in the Spring rid him [Page 140] of it, yet, as he even relates this in flowing Numbers, we have no Cause to give him Credit. He also declares, all Poets are visibly possessed, and mad. Shakespear seems to be of the same opinion, tho' he describes it with greater Elegance than even Horace has done, at least in the Translation.

The Truth of which he has fully verified, giving us in his divine Works a new Crea­tion of his own, with a new Language also peculiar to the different Species and Orders of Beings he introduces to us. Milton had, studied him with Care, and, like the Bee, committed many sweet Thefts on his im­mortal Blooms. Whoever reads the Part [Page 141] of the Fairies in the Midsummer Night's Dream, may easily perceive how many beautiful Images Milton has borrowed thence to adorn his Masque of Comus. And really, I think, as Shakespear had plun­dered all Art and Nature, the visible and invisible World, it was but just to make Reprizals, and steal from his rich Store.

I hope my Reader will pardon me for so often running away from myself; I can­not say, I am Egotist enough to be much enamoured of such an unhappy Theme, and have often wished I could do it in rea­lity; for I have been plunged in such Ca­lamity, that I have even thought it impos­sible to be true, and vainly hoped to wake, as from some hideous Dream, to find a better Fate.

And as one travelling in a barren Waste, could not be displeased to be sometimes led out of the direct Road to view a more a­greeable Prospect, I deal thus with my Readers, and turn them from the gloomy Vale of my Life, to relieve them with something more pleasing.

[Page 142]To amuse myself, [...]d indeed with no other View, I wrote, in my Husband's Ab­sence, all the following Poems; which, if they should not happen also to amuse my Readers, they are at their own Liberty, and may turn them over.

But however reluctantly I do it, I must return.

The following Ode of Horace bearing some Similitude to my then present Circum­stances, I took the Liberty of paraphrasing, and sent it to my Husband, notwithstand­ing his former Lectures.

Mr. P—n, who loved me best at a Distance, wrote me a very kind Letter, wherein he told me my Verses were like myself, full of Elegance and Beauty; that Mr. Pope and others, whom he had shewn them to, longed to see the Writer; and that he heartily wished me in London. And this put the Fancy into my Head of going there; and as some of my Acquaintance intended for it, with whom I thought I could agreeably travel, I soon resolved to accompany them.

Mr. P—n had been absent nine Months; a tedious Time in a Lover's Reckoning. In three Months Time his Office expired; for every new Lord Mayor of London has a new Chaplain; so I thought I should have the Pleasure of passing the Winter in London, and then, if nothing bet­ter [Page 154] offered, we should return home toge­ther. London has very attractive Charms for most People, as our Irish Nobility and Gentry sufficiently evidence, by spending the greatest Part of their Time and Fortune there; and can it be wondered at, that a young lively Woman should be fond of taking the only Opportunity she might ever have of seeing its Magnificence in Perfec­tion. Well! but how to execute my Pro­ject; for I was apprehensive if either my own Parents or Mr. P—n's were ac­quainted with it, they would prevent me; so I resolved to make but one Confidante, which was a very faithful Servant, who in the Evening put my Portmanteau aboard the Yacht. Next Morning, the Wind being fair, I went, under Pretence of seeing my Friends safe aboard, down the River with them, and into the Ship as it were out of Curiosity; but being then out of Dan­ger of Pursuit, I told them my Intention, which some approved of, and some blamed [...] However, as I did not question a kind Reception from my Husband, and knew my Children would be well taken care of by m [...] [Page 155] Parents, I was very chearful and easy, and little regarded what was thought of my Frolick; neither could I divine that any evil Construction would be put upon it.

We had a very safe Passage, and a plea­sant Journey. I wrote to Mr. P—n from Parkgate, and he and Mr. W—e met me about four Miles Distance from London. So I took leave of my Fellow-Travellers for the present, and went into the Coach to them, which drove to Mr. W—le's. Mr. P—n received me very obligingly, and called me his little Fu­gitive and Run-away; but a Stranger would have thought Mr. W—le was my Hus­band, he welcomed me so kindly, and paid me so many Compliments. As I had been up at three o'Clock in the Morning, I was heartily fatigued, and desired Mr. P—n to take leave; but he whispered me to in­vite Mr. W—le home to Supper with us, which accordingly I did; and he was so transported with this Civility, he could not conceal his Joy; whatever I commended amongst his Paintings, he would force me to accept of; and putting as many Bottles [Page 156] of Wine into the Coach-Box as it would conveniently hold, we went to Mr. P—n's Lodging, which I found very handsome and convenient. Wine and good Chear enter­tained us till Midnight to our mutual Satis­factions.

When Mr. P—n and I were alone, he told me, that tho' he was very glad to see me, he was afraid I would have but a lonely Time of it in London, he being ob­liged to attend on the Lord Mayor, from Nine in the Morning till Six in the Eve­ning, and from thence he always went to the Play, and afterwards to Supper to Mrs. Heron, one of the Actresses, of no very good Fame. Though I thought this but an odd Manner of Life for a Clergyman, I did not say so, being unwilling to offend him. I had heard it whispered, that he liked this Woman, but I resolved patient­ly to wait the Event.

The next Day, when he was going out, I put him in Mind that Mr. W—le said he would pass the Evening with us; but he laughed at my believing it; and said he was a Man so uncertain in his Temper, that per­haps [Page 157] I might never see him again while I lived. Just then a Lady who came over with me, called on us; and Mr. P—n and she had some private Chat. When she was gone he told me, she had brought him a Letter and some Poetry from the Dean, which he had ordered him to dispose of, and put the Money in his own Pocket; as he could not stay to read them, he took them with him to the Lord Mayor's.

However, Mr. P—n was mistaken in imagining Mr. W—le would fail in his Appointment; he came and told me Mr. P—n was at the Play, but would sup with us. He made use of his Absence to compliment me at an unmerciful Rate, and sung me all the tenderest Love Songs he could think of in the most pathetic Manner: In short, he exerted his Talents to entertain me, and behaved himself so much in the Stile of a Lover, that had I not been married, I should have imagined, he intended to address me. When Mr. P—n returned, he told him, he was certainly the happiest Man living, and won­dered how he could be a Moment out of [Page 158] my Company, where he could stay for ever. Mr. P—n seemed much pleased with his Gallantry, and said, he hoped I would induce him to see us often. When we were alone, he told me, he believed his Friend was in love with me. I answered, if he thought so, I wondered he gave him so warm an Invitation. He said, he was a very generous Man, and that his liking to me, if well managed, might prove very profitable; for he valued no Expence where a Lady was in the Case. So, it seems, I was to be the Bait, wherewith he was to angle for Gold out of a Rival's Pocket: A Scheme which had a twofold Prospect of Gain annexed to it; for while a Lover has Hope, he seldom quits the Chace; and will even thank the Husband, for taking the friendly Freedom of using his Purse; and yet should the Gallant be detected in taking any friendly Freedoms with the Wife in return, the Law is all against him, Da­mages and Imprisonment must ensue. Which Consideration may serve as a Warn­ing to all Men, not to invade Properties, or commit wilful Trespass on their Neigh­bour's Ground.

[Page 159]If my Readers are by this Time the least acquainted with my Spirit, they may judge, I looked on this Project with the Contempt it deserved; however I promised Complaisance, which indeed Mr. W—le's seeming Merits might well deserve. The next Day I was invited to the Lord Mayor's, who, on account of the resolute Opposition he had given to the Excise Act, was the Darling of the People. He was but indiffe­rent as to his Person, or rather homely than otherwise; but he had an excellent Under­standing, and the Liveliness of his Genius shone in his Eyes, which were very black and sparkling. He always treated me with great Complaisance, and gave me a general Invitation to his Table. As the Lord Mayor was a Batchelor, he had a Gentle­woman who managed his Houshold Af­fairs, and who, except on public Days, did the Honours of his Table. Mr. P—n told me she was violently in love with him, and was ready to run mad upon hearing I was come to London. How true this might be I know not; but as she was very civil to me, and was old enough to [Page 160] be my Mother, I was not the least disturb­ed with Jealousy on her own Account; tho' I can't help saying, she gave me a great deal of Uneasiness, by relating to me many Instances of my Husband's extraor­dinary Regard for the Player afore-men­tioned: We went together to the Play on Purpose to see her; and to do her Justice, she was a graceful, fine Woman; at least she appeared such on the Stage, and had a peculiar Skill in dressing to Advantage. Mr. P—n and Mr. W—le were at the Play; they met us going out, and Mr. P—n committed me to the Care of his Friend, who had a Coach waiting to convey me home; but Mr. P—n went to his old Rendezvous to the Actress, to my very great Mortification; because I really preferred his Conversation to any other in the World: However, he was so com­plaisant, he used every Evening to send Mr. W—le to keep me Company, while he pursued his Pleasures; and, as I shall an­swer it to Heaven, he did every thing in his power to forward and encourage an Amour between his Friend and me.

[Page 161]One Instance, out of an hundred I could produce, I submit to the impartial Judgment of my Reader. One of the young Ladies, at whose House I first saw Mr. P—n, happening to be in London, and but in low Circumstances, came to visit me; she in­sisted on my passing the next Evening with her, and just as I was going Mr. W—le came in, and offered to accompany me, to which I gladly consented, hoping as he was then a Man of Interest, he might recom­mend her to some good Family, as a Go­verness to Children, or a Lady's Woman, when he knew how well qualified she was for either Place. As her Spirit was far a­bove her Ability, I was concerned to see what Expence she had put herself to for my Reception, having provided a very genteel Supper, to which she would oblige us to stay. While she was giving Orders for it, I informed Mr. W—le of her Distress, who immediately gave me a Gui­nea for her, but entreated I would give it to her as Present from my self, which, as I knew it was the only Method to make her accept of it, I did.

[Page 162]When I came home, I related to Mr. P—n Mr. W—le's obliging and ge­nerous Behaviour; but little was he pleased with the Recital: What could I think of him, when he told me, I did very ill to in­troduce a new Woman to him, i. e. Mr. W—le; and that he hoped I would lose him; and that henceforth he would bestow his Favours on her? A Speech more pro­per for the Mouth of one of those aban­doned Wretches, who live by the Sale of the Innocent, than for a Husband, a Gen­tleman, and one who ought to be a Chris­tian. But I believe he was of Opinion that

And, provided he sold me well, and put Money in his Purse, little regarded either my temporal or eternal Happiness.

Another Instance either of his extraor­dinary Confidence in my Fidelity to him, or rather Indifference about it, was, that [Page 163] he obliged me to go alone with his Friend to Windsor, though, as it was Winter, there was no Possibility of going there and returning the same Day, it being twenty Miles distant from London; so that we had not only two Days, but a Night also, to pass together. Could any Husband be more obliging to his Rival, than to give him such an Opportunity to accomplish his Wishes? Had mine but concurred, I had then been undone; for truly the Gentleman tried eve­ry Argument to win me to them, but in vain. My Husband's Misconduct in expos­ing me to such Temptation, stung me to the Quick; nay, I could not help believ­ing they were both in a Plot to betray me to Ruin; and as we were at the top Inn in the Town, I started at every Noise of Horsemen who stopped there; and con­cluded, though falsly I believe, that Mr. W—le had given Mr. P—n a Di­rection where to find us; and as this Ima­ginatlion wholly possessed me, I little re­garded either the Elegance of our Enter­tainment, or the Tenderness and Passion the Gentleman expressed in every Word [Page 164] and Look: His soft Endearments were all lost on one who regarded him as an Enemy. I was obstinately sullen, and pretended Wea­riness, on purpose to quit his Company; but I lost all Patience, when calling to the Maid to shew me to my Chamber, I found there was but one, nay, and but one Bed too, provided for two Guests; for, it seems, my Gentleman had so ordered it, hoping, no doubt, to supply my Husband's Place.

I was now in a manner convinced, there was Treachery intended against me, and re­proached my desiring Swain in such bitter Terms, that he had no Way to prove his Innocence, but by retiring, tho' very re­luctantly, to another Apartment; and I took special Care to barricade my own, not only double-locking it, but also placing all the Chairs and Tables against the Door to prevent a Possibility of being surprized.

I rose very early next Morning to take a Survey of what Curiosities Windsor afforded, as it was too late the Night before to see any thing; but found nothing worth Ob­servation, except the Castle, whose emi­nent Situation and Gothick Grandeur, might [Page 165] very well, some Ages ago, make it es­teemed a Non-pareil: But as it has frequent­ly been described and celebrated, I shall only say, that considering it as the Palace of the Edwards and Henrys, I was touched with something like a religious Veneration for it, which no modern Building could inspire me with.

Mr. W—le attended me with great Respect, and excepting that he tenderly re­proached me with what he called my Cruel­ty the Night before, gave me no farther Cause of Displeasure, but brought me safely home in his Chaise to Mr. P—n.

But pray, gentle Reader, suppose it had happened otherwise; that Night-Solitude, an agreeable and importunate Lover, should have prevailed on human, yielding Frailty, whom could my Husband so properly have blamed for it as himself? He who best knew our Frames, bids us avoid Tempta­tion, as the surest Method, nay and per­haps the only one of avoiding Sin; for who so firm that may not be seduced? Why then should he, Mr. P—n, drive me [Page 166] into the Toils, unless he meant to have me made a Prey of?

I fairly confess this Action greatly sunk him in my Esteem; nay, it even did the same in Mr. W—le's, especially as he reaped no Satisfaction by it. I could scarce­ly after regard Mr. P—n as a Hus­band; but rather as a Man whose Proper­ty I was, and who would gladly dispose of me to the best Bidder. Shocking Thought!

And yet this Scheme was so artfully ma­naged, as indeed all his against me have ever been, that I could not well reproach him for it; for he would have alledged, it was a Party of Pleasure intended by him for my Health and Recreation; and to have mentioned Mr. W—le's Attempt, why, to say the Truth, I looked upon it as a Thing which any Man in the same Circumstances might naturally be guilty of, even tho' he had no previous liking to, or Thought of the Woman. So, as there was no Harm done, I judged it most prudent to be silent. Besides, no Faults are so ea­sily pardoned by our Sex, as those we be­lieve to be occasioned by our own Charms, [Page 167] the eager Lover's constant Excuse, and which our Vanity is but too apt to admit as a reasonable one.

Of all Things in Nature, I most wonder why Men should be severe in their Censures on our Sex, for a Failure in Point of Chasti­ty: Is it not monstrous, that our Seducers should be our Accusers? Will they not em­ploy Fraud, nay, often Force to gain us? What various Arts, what Stratagems, what Wiles will they use for our Destruction? but that once accomplished, every oppro­brious Term with which our Language so plentifully abounds, shall be bestowed on us, even by the very Villains who have wronged us.

I am sure the whole Female Sex will join with me in a hearty Amen.

[Page 168]Mr. P—n's Year of Chaplainship being near expired, I hoped that he would return to I [...]eland; but he had entertained a Belief that Mr. Walpole would provide for him, and therefore determined to stay in London, so I was forced to return single; for as Mr. P—n's Income ceased with his Office, he chose to accept of an Offer from Mr. W—le to lodge in his House. For several Reasons I thought it most pro­per to revisit my native Country; the first and chief was the Affection I bore to my dear little ones; the next, to avoid both the Temptation and Scandal I must have suffered, by going into the House of a Person, who, with regard to Women, had an avowedly dissolute Character.

But however cautiously and prudently I acted in this Affair, it was not my good Fortune to escape Calumny; so far from it, that I was both traduced for going to London, and for returning from it; and the Wife of a certain B—, who invited me to dine with her a Day or two after my Return to Dublin, when we retired to our Tea, abused me in Language I should have [Page 169] scorned, in respect to my own Gentility, to have given to the meanest Servant I was ever Mistress of: And because my Hus­band had made me a Present of a few little Trinkets, all of which in the Expence amounted but to a Trifle, told me she was sure some Gallant had given them to me. But, as I have since been informed, she was ragingly jealous of me, although without any Reason, I can the more readi­ly pardon her inhuman Treatment of me.

But as I did not chuse to bear Re­proaches I did not deserve, I sent for a Chair, and, bursting into Tears, left the Room. In the Hall I met the B—, who was coming to drink Tea with the Ladies: He was surprized to see me so disordered, and tenderly laying hold of me, enquired the Cause. I desired he would ask his Lady, who had invited me, to use me ill: Which he said, he hoped she would not do, even in Regard to my Condition (being then pregnant). But, Heaven knows! had he but considered how cruel all barren Creatures naturally are, insomuch that I have seen a barren Ewe [Page 170] attempt to kill a young Lamb; he would rationally have judged what might have, even in Law, been my Protection, was the very Cause of her Hatred and Displeasure to me.

However, as this Lady was the first to attack my Character, I can do no less than return her these my public and grateful Acknowledgments; for though perhaps half the World cannot tell whom I mean; yet as it is more than probable the Person concerned may read over these Memoirs, she at least will know her own Portrait.

'Tis really a sad Misfortune, that the honest Liberty of the Press is so suppressed in Ireland: But, however, I promise all my Subscribe [...]s to oblige them with a Key to whatever Secrets I have been obliged to lock up; and many I have been obliged to strike out of my Work, otherwise I could never have had a single Line printed.

Vice in Power will command at least an outward Homage; and helpless Poverty dare not either oppose or expose it.

A few Days after my Return to Ireland, Sir Daniel Molineux said in French to my [Page 171] Brother in St. Ann's Church, that he was surprised to see me look so chearful, consi­dering my Husband was in the Bastile. My Bro [...]her told it to me; but for my Life I could not guess what the Gentleman meant.

But too soon I was informed by the News-Papers, that Mr. P—n, Mr. Motte, and Mr. Gilliver, were all taken up on account of some treasonable Poetry, which Mr. P—n had given to the two latter to print; I then recollected the Papers afore­mentioned, delivered to him by one of my Female Fellow-Travellers.

Who was the Informer I know not, both Parties having violently accused each other; but in my Soul I believe Mr. P—n was innocent, and I am sure I have no Rea­son to be partial to him. But certain it is, his Character suffered so much that it al­most broke my Heart, as it deprived me of any Hopes even of his having Bread for his Family. The Notion of his having betrayed Dr. Swift incensed the whole Kingdom of Ireland against him; and as I did not for many Weeks receive a Letter from him, I knew not how to justify him; [Page 172] and when called upon by the late Primate (Dr. Hoadly) to give him an Account of the Affair, I could only answer him with Tears, which, as both he and his Lady were exceedingly humane, pleaded his Cause as powerfully as the most moving Eloquence could have done; his Grace bade me be comforted, and write to my Hus­band to come over and mind his Duty, and he would still be a Friend to him; and generously added, that as many Per­sons busied themselves in bringing Stories to him to Mr. P—n's Disadvantage, I should be welcome to his Table every Day, which would discountenance those who endeavoured to prejudice him, when they saw it did not make him or his Spouse withdraw their Regard from me.

His Grace's Goodness affected me so much, that my Tears of Sorrow were converted to those of Gratitude; nor could I forbear falling on my Knees to pay my Acknowledgments to him and his friendly Lady, for the Relief their Kindness had given to a Heart overcome with Anguish.

[Page 173]At length I received a Letter from Mr. P—n, which he was obliged to in­close to a Gentleman for me, otherwise it would have been carried to the Castle, and there examined; so great Notice was taken of these Poems. He wrote me word he had been ill of the Rheumatism, and in great Trouble; that he would directly return to Ireland, but that he had not Money to bear his Expences. I made an Application to my Father for him, who bade me let the Fellow go to the West-Indies, and he would take care of me and the Children. But, unfortunately for me, I had too much Good-nature to take this wholesome Advice; so far from it, that I never ceased importuning him, but fol­lowed him from Morning till Night, like Niobe all Tears, till he give me a Bill of twenty Pounds to send to him, with which he came over to Ireland; but so pale and dejected, that he looked like the Ghost of his former self; and the Disregard he met with from every body went very near his Heart. Every Day there was a new Abuse published on him; my Father battled for [Page 174] him, and I did every thing in my power to chear and comfort his Spirits. Com­passion wrought now the same Effects on me, as Love had done heretofore; and as he frequently wept, I could not forbear mingling my Tears with his; and, by way of Consolation, wrote to him the follow­ing Lines.

I should not have dwelt so long on every trivial Circumstance had I not been strangely traduced about this Affair, which, as I shall answer it to God, I have related with the utmost Truth and Exactness. I never had any Breach with Mr. P—n till our final Separation; and I am sure if my Father had suspected me of any Dis­honour, he would sooner have joined with my Husband to prosecute me, than have [Page 176] given him a single Shilling to make up Matters between us.

Neither can I really imagine what I had done to merit all the cruel and scandalous Aspersions thrown on me, especially by the Ladies: It would be infinite Vanity to sup­pose Envy had any Share in their gentle Breasts; or that the Praises I received from the other Sex, on Account of my Writings, awaked their Displeasure against me: For though

But what I think most surprising, is, that Women, who have suffered in their own Reputations, are generally most cruel in their Censures on others. I could men­tion a Lady, who was so fond of a cer­tain Colonel, that when he died, she was almost mad, though he was a married Man; and yet she was heedful of the main Chance, in prevailing on him to leave her his Estate from his Wife, whose Brother's Estate she had before secured to [Page 177] herself, he being married to her. I re­member this Lady the whole Town-talk of Dublin, and yet, by having a large ill­got Fortune, she procured a second Hus­band, commenced Prude, though not till Youth and Beauty were fled, and is, if she yet lives, one of the bitterest Eenmies to any Woman, who has ever committed even an Act of Indiscretion, that can be found in the World, as I have proved many Years ago by woful Experience.

But enough of this. When Mr. P—n was once more settled in his Cure, I being very much inclined to a Decay, my Father said, nothing would more effectually re­store my Health than the Country; so having often been invited to his Brother's at Cork, I resolved on going there for a few Months, where I was very kindly re­ceived. We took the Diversions of the Season at Mallow, where nothing remark­able happened to me, except that one [Page 178] Gentleman there took it into his Head to do, what they there call black-guard me incessantly. It was the reigning Humour of the Place, amongst the young Folks, to call Names, sell Bargains, and some­times talk indecently, all of which I ab­horred, and therefore this Gentleman singled me out as a Mark for this Sort of Wit; and the more he found it vexed me, the more he persisted in it. At last, I very seriously demanded of him, what I had done to provoke him to teize me in the manner he did? He said, he heard I was a Wit; and wished I would write a Satire on him. So, to oblige him, I sent him the following Lines, which obtained me a Truce from his anti-sublime Conceits.

And here, gentle Reader, I must bid you take leave of the Hope of any farther chearful Amusement; here commences the [Page 181] mournfullest Tale which ever yet was either told or read.

The Winter's Return brought me to Dublin. My Husband met me about a Mile from Town, and took me and my Aunt Van Lewen's Sister, who came to Town with me, out of the Stage-Coach into a Hackney one. He entertained me with an Account of a violent Quarrel he had with my Father; and said, he hoped, if I had any Regard for him, I would never go with inside his Doors. This was a strange Command, and as strange did it appear to me, that he should quarrel with the best natured Gentleman in the World; his Father in Effect, as he treated him as his Son! I told him, I hoped he would excuse my once disobeying him; for I owed, if possible, a superior Duty to my Father, than a Husband could claim. Mr. P—n was very angry. This was on Thursday Night: The next Morning, at all Hazards, I went to wait on my Father, who received me with a Coldness, which struck me to the Heart. I asked him, if I had any way offended him? He said, [Page 182] Mr. P—n had used him so ill, he did not desire to see his Wife. ‘'Dear Sir (said I) am I not your Daughter?'’ ‘'Yes, (said he) and had you taken my Advice in letting the Villain go to the West-Indies, I should have regarded you as such; but, make much of him; and remember, the Hour will come, when you will wish you had followed your Father's Counsel.'’ My Aunt's Sister was with me, to whom he never once spoke, but walked to and fro in a sort of a distracted Manner, and looked so ill, that, imagining my Presence disturbed him, I asked him where my Mother was? He said, she was gone to take the Air; and that he had Company to dine with him, so that he could not ask me to stay. I took the Hint, and departed from him, in such inconceivable Sorrow, as I never in my Life experienced before, because I really loved him more than any thing in the World.

I passed the Remainder of the Day in Tears, for my Husband never came home till Twelve o'Clock at Night; so that I [Page 183] had full Liberty to indulge my Sorrow. I sent my Compliments on Friday and Satur­day Morning to my Parents; they answer­ed, they were very well; but they neither asked me to come to them, nor came to me.

On Sunday I was invited to Dinner to Mr. Dubourg's. I found myself so ill, that I could not go to Church; however, about Two o'Clock, I went to dine with my Friends, who looked on me with as much Surprize as if they had seen an Ap­parition. They had no sooner seated me, but they both went out of the Room, and held a long Consultation at the Door: Little did I think how deeply I was con­cerned in it. At length Mrs. Dubourg came in: I tenderly reproached her with her Coldness to me: She said, she was not well; and asked me, had I heard from Molesworth-street that Day? I told her, I had not. She asked me, if Mr. P—n would come to Dinner? I told her, he was engaged to preach at St. Peter's Church in the Afternoon, and therefore went to Mrs. Warren's, where they dined early. [Page 184] A little while after, Counsellor Smith came in; but they called him out, and held a long Conference with him. In short, every body behaved themselves so oddly to me, that I knew not what to make of it.

Just as Dinner was served up, Mr. P—n came in: ‘'My Dear (said I) you are bet­ter than Promise.'’ ‘'Why (says he) I am not come to dine, but to tell you your Father is stabbed.'’ Had he plunged a Dagger in my Heart, it could not have given me a deeper Wound.

It seems, this Accident, for such my Fa­ther declared it to be, happened at Nine o'Clock in the Morning; and so unkind were my Mother and Sister, they never sent me the least Notice of it. The Company I went to, had known of it some Hours before; and consequently were surprized to find me ignorant of what so nearly concerned me, and what, by that Time, all Dublin knew. None of them could find in their Hearts to tell me of it; and this was the Occasion of the many Consultations they held, which had appeared so strange to me. It would be tedious to my Readers, to relate every [Page 185] Difficulty I had even to see my Father. In respect to the Ashes of my Mother, I do not chuse to tell how ill I was used upon this Occasion; but as I owe no sort of Re­spect or Ceremony to my Sister, (if I may call her one, who by no means deserves that Title) I must proceed. I rose from the Table, had a Chair called, and went to my Father's: Three of the Servants sat in the Hall, and my Sister, excessively dirty, walked to and fro in it. She would wil­lingly have kept me out; but however, the Servant knowing me, opened the Door. The first Noise which struck my Ear, upon my Entrance, was the deep and piercing Groans of my dear Father. When I at­tempted to go up Stairs to offer my Duty to him, my Sister by Violence pulled me down; but the Agony I was in for my Fa­ther, and the Resentment I conceived at her gross Usage of me, supplied me with Strength to get up in despight of her. When I opened the Dining-room Door, the Floor was all besmeared with Blood; my Mother, in an arbitrary Voice, asked me, what Business I had there? I told her, [Page 186] I had a Child's Right to pay my Duty to my Father. She said, if I spoke to him it would kill him. Upon which, for the first, and indeed the only Time that ever I gave her an impertinent Answer; I said, that if every Person about my Father had loved him with half my Tenderness, he would not have been reduced to the Con­dition I was then too sure he was in. Upon this, I offered to go into the Bed-chamber, but was not only forcibly withstood, but even beaten by my Mother, and again asked, if I intended to kill my Father? I made her no Reply but sat down, and as­sured her, that the first Person who opened that Door I would go in. In about three Minutes time Dr. Cope, Dr. Helsham, Mr. Nicholls, and in all seven Physicians and three Surgeons (as my Father was univer­sally esteemed) came of their own Accord to visit him; when I heard them on the Stairs, I took that Opportunity to open the Bed-chamber Door, in which neither my Mother nor my Sister could well op­pose me, as the Gentlemen were come into the Dining-room, before they were apprised [Page 187] of my Intention; but, Heavens! how shall I describe the Agony that seized me, when I beheld my dear Father pale as Death, and unable to utter any thing but Groans? those only who have loved a Father as well as I did mine, can judge of my Condition: I kneeled down by the Bedside: Weak as he was he kindly reached out his Hand to me: He asbed me if this was not an un­happy Accident. I begged he would not speak, because Mr. Nicholls had told me, his Lungs were wounded, and that every Word was detrimental to him; but as I had not ever knowingly offended him, I begged he would give me leave to pay my Duty to him, and that he would signify it, by laying his Hand on my Head, which he not only did, but desired I would not leave him. But here my Father gave me an impossible Task; for no sooner were the Gentlemen departed, but my Mother said she must speak with me; and whether she was really mad, or counterfeited to be so, I know not; but she insisted on my going to Bed with her, alledging that my Sister was younger and stronger than I, [Page 188] and better able to bear the Fatigue of sitting up. This seemed to carry the Appearance of Love and Tenderness; but Heaven knows it was far otherwise, as I afterwards found out; for the three following Days my Mother never permitted me to leave her; if I ever attempted it, she tore her Hair, and screamed like a Lunatick. The fourth Night I heard my Father ring a Bell, my Mother was asleep, and as my Thoughts were ever on him, I ran down Stairs to him undrest as I was. He seemed surprized to see me, having been told that I was in my own House, and would not un­dertake the Trouble of attending him. I found him in a very cold Sweat; it sud­denly came into my Head, that if I could change that into a hot one, it might, per­haps, relieve him. So after assuring him, that I had not quitted him, nor had ever been out of the House, but was prevented by my Mother and Sister from attending on him, he said he was very dry, and asked me, what the Physicians had ordered for him to drink. As they all concluded he would not out-live that Night, they had ordered [Page 189] nothing, but left him to take what he pleased, as, in spight of all Precautions to the contrary, I had overheard. Upon this, I resolved so far to turn Physician myself as to tell him, they ordered him to drink some Hock and Sack made warm. Weak as he was he could not forbear smiling, and saying, he never heard of such another Prescription; ‘'Ten Gentlemen meet to order me some Hock and Sack mixed! said he; well, give it me: it must certainly be a Cure for a pleuretick Fever.'’ I did so; nay, I not only gave it to him that Time, but plied him with it every Time he called for Drink all Night, till it produced the Effect I desired, and threw him into a fine breathing Sweat, and a deep Sleep. It may now be demanded, where my Sister was all this Time? why, as she had not, if I may speak my Mind, half the Regard for my Father that I had, she was fast asleep in the Arm-Chair, nor could he awake her.

When the Physicians came in the Morn­ing, they were agreeably surprized to find my Father's Fever quite gone, and his Eyes [Page 190] look very lively; he told them, their merry Prescription had done him gre [...] [...]rvice. I winked at them not to undeceive him; they understood me, and Dr. Helsham called me aside, under Pretence of giving me some Directions, but in reality, to en­quire of me what I had administered. I told him, and he could not forbear smiling. He called the Gentlemen into the next Room to a Consultation, to which present­ly after I was summoned. As both Dr. Hel­sham and Dr. Cope were Men of Wit and Pleasantry, they rallied me agreeably on presuming to practise Physick, having never taken my Degrees; and assured me I should be called before the College of Physicians, and be prosecuted as an Empyrick.

I rose up, and making a low Courtesy, I told them, as the best Part of the College of Physicians were then present, they would, I hoped, have Candour enough to permit me to make my own Defence; to which they all assented by a gracious Nod, and bade me proceed; I then, making another Reverence, told them, that as to my Right of practising Physick, I held it extra ju­dice, [Page 191] and smiling said, I supposed they all understood Latin—but as their proper Business was to destroy Life, I hoped they would not take it amiss, if I for once, in a Case which so nearly and deeply concern­ed me, had, to the utmost of my power, frustrated their Designs; neither had I pre­sumed to interfere, till they themselves had assured me all Hope of my Father's Life was gone, and that he could not live till Morning. But, said I, making another Courtesy, I, with all respect to this ho­nourable Board, humbly presume to believe,

Nothing, except my Father's being so very weak, and so very near to us, could have prevented the Gentlemen's laughing hearti­ly at my fine Harangue. However, I was dismissed with Honour; and as my Father seemed now to want nothing but Restora­tives, I was directed to make him some Viper Broth, Hartshorn Jelly, Chocolate, and other nourishing Aliments.

[Page 192]From this Time we entertained Hopes of my Father's Recovery. In a few Days he was so strong as to be able to sit up from Morning till Night. The whole Town seemed to participate in our Joy; and many who had never visited him before, came now to congratulate him and his Fa­mily on this happy Change. Whether it was owing to his having seen too much Company, or to his own over-Neatness in insisting on having his Chamber cleaned, I know not; but I received a Message from Mr. P—n, that he was taken very ill, and desired to see me. As I had flattered myself my Father was out of Danger, I obeyed the Commands of my Husband, and prevailed on Mr. Nicholls to come to visit him. He had got a Cold, and was a little feverish; Mr. Nicholls thought pro­per to take a little Blood from him, and I staid with him that Night and Part of the ensuing Day. Mr. P—n being much relieved, gave me leave in the Evening to go to my Father's, where I found all Things in Confusion, and he so ill that there was now not the least Hope of his [Page 193] Recovery: He coughed incessantly, was seized with what they call a galloping Con­sumption, and in a very few Days after expired, leaving me in inconceivable Sor­row. About an Hour before he departed, I left the Room being unable to see his last Agonies, and went up to my Mother, who was as fast locked up in Sleep as guiltless Labour. Some time after I heard the Windows thrown up, by which I knew his mortal Cares were ended.

We had that Evening engaged a Nurse Keeper, but did not dare to let her into my Father's Presence, lest he should say, as he once did, on proposing such a thing, that we were tired of him; but now her Assistance was absolutely necessary, tho' my Sister told me, she herself helped to wash and lay my Father out. I am sure I could have died sooner; but some Persons have uncommon Courage, or rather, as Swift observes,

[Page 194]About three o'Clock in the Morning, on New-Year's-Day, my Sister came into the Room, and desired me to come and help her to take my Father up, that he wanted to rise. Tho' I was certain he was dead, as I had not taken off my Cloaths, I went with her, and sent in the Maid to sit by my Mother. I asked my Sister on the Stairs, was my Father alive? She answered, No. So with a heavy Heart I went into the Dining-Room; but by no means could I summon up sufficient Spirits, to look upon the clay-cold Figure of him, who, under God, was the Author of my Being. My Heart fluttered; my Tongue refused it's Office; neither had I the poor Relief of Tears—no Wonder, when the very Spring and Fountain of my Life was stopt—the very Source of it was stopped, if the Streams thereon dependant, were for a while froze up and dead.

While I was lost in melancholy-musing, my Sister was very industrious in making the Tea-Kettle boil. I do not say this by way of Reflection on her; for tho' I was less assiduous about it, my own Mouth was [Page 195] perfectly parched with Thirst, and I was very glad of something to moisten it.

When the Tea was ready, unluckily we had no Sugar, nor was there any in the House, but what was in the Tea-Chest, the Key of which was in my Mother's Pocket under her Head. My Sister went up and waked her, telling her, my Father wanted a little burned Wine. She readily gave it, and prayed devoutly that it might do him good. My Sister came down laughing, to think how she had imposed on her. If any thing could have added Weight to the intolerable Burthen of my Sorrows, I now felt it, by considering how terrible my Mother's Surprize and Disappointment must be!

About six o'Clock, I thought is was pro­per to send the Chest of Plate into Dean Madden's, and to lock up whatever was valuable; a prudent Precaution, as it too soon appeared. After this I went into my Mother's Chamber; she asked me how my Father was. I told her he had been very ill in the Beginning of the Night, but was now very quiet. She said, she hoped Sleep [Page 196] would do him good. I answered, I trusted in God it had. So she arose, and would not put on her Shoes lest she should disturb him: Nay, so strong was the Force of her Imagination, that she even said, she heard him cough as we passed by his Chamber Door: But a sad Counterfeit was I; for when we came into his Dressing-Room, which opened to the Garden, as it was now Day-light, my Mother easily perceived the Concern in my Countenance; she shrieked when she looked at me, and with great Impatience asked me, what ailed me: ‘'O Lord! cried she, cannot you give me one Word of Comfort?'’ I answered very faintly, I wished it was in my Power: But alas! her worst Fears were but too true; all was over. I really thought she would now have run quite mad; scarcely could I prevent her going into his Chamber. I sent in for Dean Madden, who by Prayers and spiritual Advice, a little calmed her; but one Woe trod upon the other's Heels: Mr. Nicholls, who for the particular Re­gard he had for my Father, was his first Visitor, and whose Humanity during the [Page 197] whole Time of his Sickness, deserves a grateful Acknowledgment; which, if the surviving Part of his Family refuse, I think it incumbent on me to pay, so far at least as Words can do it, came into the Dining-Room; he guessed our Loss 'ere we could speak it, and seemed to bear a Part in our Sorrows. He asked me what Hour he should come to open my Father. I told him, he had left his Curse on any Person who attempted it. He said he was very glad of it; for as this dismal Operation must have fallen to his Share, it would, I am certain, greatly have shocked his Hu­manity. I would have had him go up to see my Mother: He said it would but re­new her Trouble, and that when she was a little more calm he would make her a Visit.

I now thought it highly necessary to per­suade my poor Mother to take, at least, a Dish of Tea, which I could not do, but by assuring her I was ready to faint. Just as it was prepared, a Servant, looking like a Ghost, opened the Door, and beckoned me to follow him; I did so, and upon com­ing [Page 198] down Stairs, found the House filled with Sheriff's Officers: One of them, whose Name was Williams, was most remarkably insolent, and abused me very grosly. I once more sent in for Dean Madden; I believe the worthy Gentleman thought his Words might prevail, but the Scoundrel Williams bade him, go talk in his Pulpit. However, I had Presence of Mind suffi­cient to write a Line to Counsellor Smith; he happened not to be at home; so I begged of the Dean to go to my Mother, least those licensed Robbers should plunder the House. About seven in the Evening Mr. Smith came; he found the Wretches very busy in taking an Inventory of the Furni­ture. They were full as rude to him, as they had been to the Dean; and at last car­ried it so far, as to insist upon arresting my Father's Body, just then laid in a Coffin. I, almost wild with Grief, ran after them; the Coffin was open, and I raised my dear Father in my Arms, and, as if he could have heard me, asked him, Would he not protect his Family? Mr. Smith had, in the mean Time, sent for the High-Sheriff; he [Page 199] was a young, good-natured Gentleman; and, after heartily reprimanding the Fellows, nay, and even making Williams beg pardon on his Knees, dismissed them all, except one, whom he ordered, not only to be civil, but also to do the Work of a Ser­vant; assuring us, he would take an In­ventory of the Things himself, as soon as the Funeral was over.

The next Day, being Sunday, we deter­mined to have my dear Father buried, ac­cording to his own Directions, privately, at Twelve o'Clock at Night; and I easily prevailed on Mr. Smith, and his present Lady, to give their Company to my Mother, during the Time of this last sad solemn Ceremony. As my Mother wept in­cessantly, it made her sleepy; but the Noise made in carrying down my Father's Corpse, awak'd her; and as she had only slumber'd in her Chair, she started up, crying out, they were carrying her dear Husband to the Grave, and that she would go and be buried with him. We were obliged by Violence to restrain her; nay, and also to assure her he had been interred [Page 200] some Hours, and that the Noise she heard was only that of the Servants, who were setting Things in Order. Mr. Smith and his Lady, who, according to their Promise, came and passed the Evening with my Mo­ther, said every thing that Reason, Christi­anity, or Humanity could dictate, to miti­gate her Afflictions. Gratitude for their Kindness made her endeavour to supress the Anguish of her Soul; nay, out of Complaisance to them, she drank a Glass or two of Wine, which, as she had not done for some Weeks before, produced the Effect I desired, of making her sleep. Mr. P—n attended the Funeral Obse­quies, which was the only Proof of Re­spect or Kindness he ever shewed to the Fa­mily.

Early the next Morning, I rose; and if, in the melancholy Situation of my Soul, any thing could have made me smile, the Cookmaid's Simplicity would certainly have done it; for, finding her Fire made, her Dishes washed, and every thing set in good Order, so well did the Bailiff, who was left in the House, obey the High Sheriff's [Page 201] Orders, in doing the Work of a Servant; and he having walked into the Garden; the Maid not recollecting there was any such Person in the House, stood crossing herself, and praying to the Blessed Virgin, and all the Saints in Heaven. I asked her, What was the matter? ‘'O my dear Ma­dam! (says she) my Master was always neat; and see, for all he is dead, how he made the Fire, and cleaned up the Kitchen for me.'’

I left the poor Girl in her Mistake, and went up to my Mother. It grieved me to awake her; yet knowing the High Sheriff would be early with us, and that the In­ventory of what was in her Chamber must be taken, I thought it was most decent for her to be up, as her unhappy Situation could not authorize her taking on the State of a Lady of Quality, to lie in Bed a Month for Fashion's-sake.

She was not long up before the Gentle­man came: From him I learned, that this Execution was laid at the Suit of the Wi­dow Ford, who being Executrix to her Children, had asked my Father, where she [Page 202] could lay out their Money to Advantage. As Mr. Monck wanted Money, my Father immediately thought of him; but as his Estate was not liable to his Debts, my Father became Surety for him. This was enough for me; I immediately wrote to Mr. Monck; who, on Receipt of the Letter, came to Town, and, with great Honour, not only discharged his own Debt, but also paid the Sheriff's Fees, which in three Days amount­ed to Twenty Pounds.

This Gentleman was the late Henry Stanly Monck, of St. Stephen's Green.

My Sister, like all provident Persons, made the best of her Way to her Husband's Mother; who being assured, by Dean Mad­den, that he himself had married my Sister to her Son, which had been questioned, on Account of his abrupt Departure from her, soon after he had made her a Mother, was so kindly received by her new Parent, that for three Weeks after, she never either sent, or came, to know what was become of the old one.

As my Father had positively prohibited us from writing any Account to my Bro­ther, [Page 203] then at Paris, of the Misfortune that had befallen him, I thought it not proper to disobey him; yet, at the same time, judged it highly necessary he should be ap­prized of the melancholy Situation of his Affairs at home; I therefore engaged a young Gentleman, an intimate Friend of my Brother's, to undertake the mournful Task, and advise him immediately to re­turn to Ireland: But his best Speed could not overtake his Father's Life, who had been three Weeks buried e're he arrived. When he saw us in deep Mourning, and missed the dear Parent, who used ever to receive him with the Love of a Father, and the Freedom of a Companion, all his Resolution could scarce support it: and tho' he endeavoured to comfort us, 'twas but too visible he wanted it himself. My Heart bled for him; so disappointed in all his Hopes, which, as they had been high raised, were now the more depressed. In short, we were all mere Outside, each endeavouring, by a forced Chearfulness, to conceal their inward Anguish from each other.

[Page 204]As my Brother, soon after, sold off the Goods by Auction, and placed my Mother, who was left entirely dependant on him, to board at a Clergyman's House in the Coun­try, after which I never saw her more; I returned to my own House.

Mr. P—n, having now no Expecta­tion of a Fortune by me, he threw off all Disguise, and shewed himself in his proper Colours; he had, it seems, while I was in the Country, in a bad State of Health, got in League with the Widow W—rr—n, whom he intended, if I had died, as was expected, should supply my Place. How­ever, he was resolved to gid rid of me at any rate; and as nothing but my Death, or a Divorce, could accomplish his Desires, the latter seemed the safer Method. To this End, he set all his Engines to work. His first Scheme I shall here relate.

One Morning pretty early, he sent for me to come to him to Breakfast in the Summer-house; as I thought he was alone, I ran to him quite undrest; but was con­founded at the Sight of a Gentleman, whom I had never seen before, and who was drest [Page 205] out with the utmost Magnificence and Cu­riosity, rather in the Habit of a Birth-Night Beau, than a Morning Visitor. I was for retiring, but Mr. P—n obliged me to come in, and introduced him to me. I sat down with the best Grace I could; and made the Tea: Before it was half over Mr. P—n said, he was obliged to go visit a sick Person; but that he should re­turn in half an Hour, engaging me not to let the Gentleman go till then; at the same time assuring him, I was very well qualified to entertain him agreeably. The Gentle­man did not express the least Reluctance at complying with his Request; so far from it, that as soon as he was gone, he said, he was much indebted to Mr. P—n's Complaisance, for the favourable Oppor­tunity he had afforded him of speaking his Wishes; and, laying hold of my Hand, he began to address me in a most bom­bastic Stile, with Fustian from exploded Plays. For my part, I thought he was mad, and growing angry at what I deemed a great Incivility to a married Woman, I assured him, if he persisted in such Imper­tinence, [Page 206] I would quit the Place. He then begged Pardon most humbly indeed, for he threw himself on the Carpet at my Feet, swearing he would never rise till I had forgiven him; which, not to be plagued with his farther Impertinence, I was forced to say, I did. He then wanted me to confirm it by a Kiss, but that I would by no means grant. In short, his Company was so tiresome, that I most im­patiently longed for a Release; which, however, Mr. P—n was resolved not to give me: So finding the Gentleman was determined to prosecute me, I told him I was engaged to dine abroad, and hoped he would excuse my leaving him, as I ex­pected a Lady to call upon me, which laid me under a Necessity of going to dress.

Upon this civil Dismiss, to my great Sa­tisfaction he took his Leave, promising me, he would do himself the Honour of waiting on me again very speedily, to which I made no Reply.

I believe he went to Mr. P—n to give him an Account of what had past, [Page 207] who some time after returned, and seemed much offended, that I had suffered his Friend, as he called him, to go away; add­ing, that he was related to the Duke of Dorset, and might, by his Interest, get him a good Living. I answered, Let him be ever so well related, he was a very troublesome Coxcomb, and if he liked such Company, I did not.

A few Days after my youngest Child died, and that I might avoid seeing the Funeral, I retired to the Summer-House, where I sat weeping; when suddently this same fine Spark opened the Door. He told me, Mr. P—n had sent him to desire I would have some Coffee ready, and that he would be at home immediately. I desired the Gentleman to go with me to the Dwelling-House, not chusing to stay alone with him at so great a Distance from every Body. The Coffee was prepared, but no Mr. P—n came, so we drank it without him, and the Gentleman fell into his old Vagaries again. I then,

Burst into Tears, and demanded of him, what he meant by such Insolence? He looked v [...]y much confounded, and asked me, was I in earnest? I assured him I was, and that I would acquaint Mr. P—n with his Rudeness. He smiled at that Threat, and to my great Surprize, made me the following Speech. ‘'Madam, I am convinced by your Behaviour, that you are a Woman of Honour, and am very sorry I should be so unfortunate as to provoke your Tears: The best Re­compence I can make you, is, to entrust you with a Secret; and I doubt not but you will have Discretion enough to make a proper use of it. Mr. P—n de­scribed you to me, as a Lady very li­beral of your Favours, and begged I would be so kind as to make him a Cuckold, so that he might be able to prove it, in order to a Separation from [Page 209] you; promising to give me Time and Opportunity for it: He assured me, it would be no difficult Task; that I need but throw myself at your Feet, whine out some Tragedy, and you would quick­ly yield. But I am now convinced, that he is a very great V—n, and very un­worthy of you.'’

I leave my Reason to judge of my Asto­nishment. I could scarce give the Gentle­man Credit; and yet it was but too evident that he spoke Truth, as it was now nine o'Clock at Night, and Mr. P—n not come home to his invited Guest.

When I had recovered Power to speak, I told him, I supposed Mr. P—n knew him to be a Person destitute of all Honour and Humanity, when he proposed such a Scheme to him as that of betraying any Woman. ‘'Faith, Madam, returned he, I never intended it; for had you made me happy, I would, like a Gentleman, have forsworn it, and also have given you a proper Caution: But I would not pay you so ill a Compliment, as not to assure you, the Bait was very illuring. [Page 210] I believe there are very few young Fel­lows who would have refused him the Favour he desired of me.'’ I then beg­ged he would be so kind to leave me, which, accordingly, taking his Leave very respectfully, he did.

I went to Bed full of Disquietude; but the bitter Anguish of my Soul quite banish­ed Sleep. I considered the Snares were laid for me, and that he who ought to be the Guardian and Protector of my In­nocence, was the very first Person who sought to destroy it. I wept abundantly, and prayed heartily to God, to deliver me out of my Trouble; at length I fell into a Slumber, when methought my Father, just as I had seen him in his Coffin, drew open the Curtain, and muttered something to me very low and indistinct; but the Words Trouble, Sorrow and Shame, I very plainly heard. I started up, and turned the Head Curtain back; but seeing nothing, con­cluded the Trouble of my Mind produced such terrifying Dreams, and recommend­ing myself to Heaven, once more addressed myself to Sleep; when suddenly, me­thought, [Page 211] I was in the midst of a Parcel of Ruffians who were fighting, and that I, though I knew not why, was the Occasion of their Quarrel. At last I thought one of them gave me a severe Blow over the Head, at which I screamed out, and Mr. P—n, who was now in the Chamber, waked me, and asked me, what was the matter? I told him, I had a very shocking Dream. ‘'Why, says he, you grieve so much after your Father, and your Brat, and take no Sustenance, that it is no Wonder you should be in the Vapours.'’ I desired he would be so kind as give me a little Water; for I was in a faint cold Sweat; but as he always kept some Cherry-Brandy in his Study, he made me take a little of it, which greatly revived me. I then told him Mr. H—d had been to see him. He asked me, how long he stayed? I answered, till I was weary of him. ‘'Why, did he offend you?'’ ‘'Indeed (returned I) he did.'’ ‘'How?'’ said he. ‘'By a great deal of Impertinence, not worth relating. I suppose (said he) the Coxcomb was re­peating [Page 212] his Poetry to you.'’ ‘'No (re­turned I) he spoke nothing of his own; he had a proper Authority, I believe, for whatever he said.'’ I looked earnest­ly in Mr. P—n's Face, and could easily perceive he was in great Confusion; so he put out the Candle, and came to Bed without asking me any farther Questions.

Early the next Morning he went out of Town, without either leaving a Shilling to provide for his Family, which consisted of a Maid, a Footman, two Children, and my­self, or any Person to serve his Cure; nei­ther did I, for the Space of two Months, hear from him, or receive any Supply; till at last, by Accident, I learned he was with the Widow W—rr—n. For the Truth of this, the Reverend Dr. Bradford can bear Witness; I mean, so far as his going away without either asking his Permission, or sub­stituting any Person to do his Duty.

Even in Religion itself.

[Page 213]I now beg leave to demand of every Person, who has been severe in their Cen­sures of me, what Duty, Love, or Re­spect was due to such a Husband? When an honest Man is linked to a pe [...]sidious Wo­man, his Misfortun [...]s claim Compassion; b [...] [...]ure a voluntary Cuckold is the mean­est Wretch in Human Nature, and de­serves nothing from the World, but the ut­most Contempt.

In the mean time the Parish was quite in an Uproar; nobody to visit the Sick, or read Six o'Clock Prayers. I related this Part of my Distress to my Brother, who prevailed on a young Gentleman, who had been his School-fellow and Companion, then newly ordained, to do Mr. P—n's Duty.

As for my two Children, I sent them to School, and they dined every Day with Mr. P—n's Father; the Servants were forced to run in Debt for Provision; and, for my own part, I quartered myself on my next Door Neighbours, Mr. Lindsay and his Spouse, where I always met a chear­ful and friendly Reception.

[Page 214]I must here observe, that because I loved reading, Mr. P—n took with him the Key of his Study, into which he had re­moved all my Books, Presents to me from my Friends before I was married. He also locked up the Garden, rather chusing it should be overgrown with Weeds, and the Plants and Flowers die for Want of Water, than that either I or the Children should have the Pleasure of amusing our­selves in it. The Tea-chest was also se­cured; so I was left like a tame Cat, with the Liberty of walking about through two or three empty Rooms.

When I had learned where Mr. P—n was, I wrote to him; but received no Answer. At length, one Saturday, about Twelve o'Clock at Noon, his Horse was brought home and a mangy Dog, of which I was ordered to take a particular care, which I did; and now expected the Mas­ter. But as his buxom old Widow (and old enough she was to be my Mother, and big enough to make four of me) came to Town with him, he stayed with her till Twelve o'Clock at Night. His first Ques­tion [Page 215] when he entered was, where was his Dog? with which having played about half an Hour, hugging, kissing, and calling it an Angel, he at last vouchsafed to come up Stairs. I sat in my Closet in a very pensive Posture; his first Salutation to me was, to ask me, how I had the Impudence to write to him about my Family Affairs? I asked him to whom else should I write? ‘'Very fine! (returned he) suppose Mrs. W—rr—n had opened my Letter!'’ ‘'I could not suppose that, Sir, because it is a Liberty I never took with you.'’ ‘'You took with me! why should you?’ ‘'Nay then (said I) why should she?’ ‘'I have (said he) great Patience, that I do not turn you out of Doors.'’ ‘'As soon as you please, Sir; I know my Way to St. Sepulchres, and late as it is, I dare say they will give me Admission.'’

I believe he thought he had now gone too far, and was more than half afraid I would publish all his Villanies; so he fell into his old Trade of Dissimulation, in which he is a perfect Master; and taking me by the Hand, told me, he did not [Page 216] think so gentle a Temper as mine could be disturbed at any Thing; and that it was very unkind in me to be disobliged at his taking a little Recreation in the Country; adding, that he often wished for me there. I asked him why he did not take me with him? He said, he had proposed it to Mrs. W—rr—n; but that she had objected a­gainst it, telling him, I was a Woman of so bad a Reputation, that she would not for all the World countenance me. I must beg leave to ask my Readers, what Sort of Terms this Couple must be on, when she took the Liberty of traducing his Wife to him? She may be very chaste, for aught I know; but I verily believe many an un­happy Creature, who has even prostituted herself for Bread, would not have been guilty of her Crime.

Cursed be he that parteth Man and Wife is Part of our Ash-Wednesday Service, to which I say Amen, with all my Heart and Soul.

But to return: I told Mr. P—n, I was extremely obliged to the Lady; that most Men, even if they hated their Wives, [Page 217] would resent any Injury offered to them as being Part of themselves; but he was too good a Christian for that. So I arose, and was for leaving the Room. He asked me, where I was going? I answered, ‘'To sleep with my Children; for why should I, Sir, go to bed to a Man, in whose Person, Mind, or Fortune, I have no longer a Share; and who has actually divorced him­self from me, as the Law can do!'’

However he insisted on my staying with him, which accordingly I did. We both rose pretty early; and the Children coming in to ask his Blessing, he whipt his Daugh­ter severely, because, as he said, she re­sembled my Mother; though indeed she was infinitely more like his own: And, to shew his Impartiality, he whipt the poor little Boy, for being like himself.

When this Scene was over, the Children were turned down to the Kitchen, and the mangy Dog, which it seems was given him by Mrs. W—rr—n, invited to a good Plate of Toast and Butter and half a Pint of Cream for his Breakfast; so well did he [Page 218] fulfil the old Proverb, Love me, love my Dog.

After these Holy Exercises, he went to the Communion; which indeed I had in­tended to do, but as he had really vexed me past my Patience, I could not compose my­self sufficiently for the worthily receiving those sublime Mysteries.

Thus we may see it is in the power of a bad Man, not only to destroy our temporal, but also our eternal Happiness.

I saw no more of him till Midnight; buxom Joan engaging him till then, or in other Words, the Widow W—rr—n.

Mr. P—n's Father hearing he was in Town, came the next Morning to see him, and demanded of him the Money he had paid for his Childrens Tuition; upon which he turned to me, with an Air of great Con­tempt, and told me, he thought when he had married so accomplished a Lady, she might have taught her Children to read, write, work, &c. and at least have saved him the Expence of their Education. I told him, and indeed it was Truth, that I should never desire a more delightful Em­ployment [Page 219] than that of cultivating their Minds; but that he ought to consider, he left no Support for our Bodies, and conse­quently I was obliged to go abroad every Day to seek for Food, and could not en­cumber such Company, as I might be wel­come to, with my Children. Here Mr. P—n's Father interrupted me, by say­ing, I might always have been welcome to him. Indeed I doubt it not, for he was a good-natured Man; but as he kept an Ale­house, it was no very agreeable Place for me to pass my Time in.

Next Morning buxom Joan came in her own Coach for her Chaplain; a Right which most Widows of Fortune claim. I looked at her, and she hid her Face. Mr. P—n soon waited on her, and away they went together, leaving me just as de­solate as I was before.

Mr. P—n has often alledged, in order to prove me an Adultress, as I was with Child when we parted, that he had no manner of matrimonial Commerce with me for four Years. I was but just four and twenty Years of Age when we were sepa­rated; [Page 220] and, as my Reader may observe, he would not permit me to have a separate Bed, whether what he not only said, but swore, was true or false, I do not see how he could gain any Honour by it.

For as the Spanish Friar says, when old Gomez boasts that his Wife was a spotless Virgin for him;

And here, gentle Reader, give me leave to drop the Curtain. To avouch mine own Innocence in a Point, where Appear­ances were strong against me, would per­haps little avail me: The supreme Judge of Hearts alone will at the last great Day clear or condemn me; to whose unerring Justice and boundless Goodness I submit my Cause.

When Snares and Limed-Twigs are spread for a poor Bird, it cannot well escape. Yet I may say with the condemned Duke of Buckingham, in Shakespear's Henry the Eighth,

A proper Caution to both Sexes, to be duly on their Guard against Confidants.

I could reckon up numberless Instances of Mr. P—n's Aversion to me; one in particular I cannot pass over. One Day, at Dinner, the Pin in the Robing of my Gown, pricked my Breast; as there was no body but my Husband and Children present, I made no Scruple of uncovering my Bosom, to examine what had hurt me; upon which Mr. P—n rose from Table, and said I had turned his Stomach. As I really had a fine Skin, and was then a most remarkably neat Person, I thought he only [Page 222] jested; and merrily told him, he should kiss my Breast and make it well: But alas! it was not like Prior's Lover's Anger, where when the Lady complains, that

For he told me, he was sure he should faint if I came near him; and either pretended to throw up his Dinner, or did it in reality. After which polite Compliment, he drank a large Glass of Cherry-brandy, to settle his Stomach; and repaired to his usual Haunt, i. e. to buxom Joan.

[Page 223]About Twelve at Night, he returned, and awaked me out of a sweet Sleep, by telling me, I was a most expensive extrava­gant Woman. I asked him in what? He said, in putting on clean Linen every Day; whereas Mrs. W—rr—n, who had a Thou­sand Pounds a Year, assured him, she never shifted herself but once a Week, and shewed him Half-sleeves, which she wore, to save the Expence of washing. I answered him very carelesly, that I supposed that was what charmed him; and therefore, Dirt to Dirt.

I beg leave here to remark, that my Hus­band's Complaints were very different from those of most married Men; their general Excuse for going astray is, that their Wives are dirty, slothful, ignorant, &c. the very Reverse of which swinish Qualities made my good Man hate me.

And in one of the Sermons on Social Duties, published lately by a real Divine, he makes this Observation, That he be­lieves, very few Women have either been so weak, or so wicked, to wrong the Mar­riage-bed, but when they have been pro­voked to it, either by the ill Treatment they received from their Husbands, or in Re­venge to their prior Falshoods.

If I have not delivered the most worthy Author's Sentiments with his own Elegance of Style, I am sure he will pardon me, as I only quote from Memory, not being Mis­tress of his admirable Works.

I do assure my Reader, I do not, by those Quotations, mean to countenance Vice,

[Page 226] So far from it, that in my Opinion, Nothing can excuse the Breach of it; and a Fe­male

All I intend is this; the World has been pleased to say, I had a most excellent Hus­band; and therefore have thought proper, not thinking their Bill of Accusation large enough, to add Ingratitude to every other Vice and Folly they are pleased to attribute to me.

But so many Yards of Prunella and a Bit of clear Cambrick, properly placed under the Chin, it seems make a Holy Man.

I hope Mr. P—n will return his Acknowledgments to me, for making him publicly known; for, as I hear, his Poems have suffered the Fate of all Things mor­tal; and, to use his own Lines,

And so if my Quondam Husband arrives at Fame, or ever goes to Heaven, either of which I very much doubt, I think he must still rest my Debtor.

And that Cuckolds go to Heaven, no body ever yet disputed. Were he one, he ought to thank me that helped to send him thi­ther. If I have bestowed on him Fame in this World, and Salvation in the next, what could a reasonable Man desire more from his Wife? But some Folks are never to be satisfied!—But whether he is entitled to the Horn or not, must always be a Se­cret: I hope some curious Commentator will hereafter endeavour to find out the Truth of it; for my Mind gives me,

And if a Scotch Barber, one Allan Ramsay, promises himself so much, in a Sort of Bur­lesque on Horace, why may I not be in­dulged [Page 229] in equal Vanity, the ruling and darling Passion of our Sex? Tho' I shall never carry it to such an unnatural Height, as Dr. Young makes a Lady do, when she is dying,

I must beg my Reader's Pardon for these numerous Quotations; but, as Swift says, ‘'those anticipating Rascals the Ancients, have left nothing for us poor Moderns to say:'’ But still to shew my Vanity, let it stand as some sort of Praise, that I have stolen wisely.

At length the fatal Hour arrived, when Mr. P—n's Machinations wrought the Effect he so long desired, namely, my De­struction; [Page 230] and, as he never did Things by Halves, that of his own Children also; to whom his Barbarity has exceeded any thing I ever either heard or read of; but that in due Place.

I own myself very indiscreet in permit­ting any Man to be at an unseasonable Hour in my Bed-Chamber; but Lovers of Learning will, I am sure, pardon me, as I solemnly declare, it was the attractive Charms of a new Book, which the Gentle­man would not lend me, but consented to stay till I read it through, that was the sole Motive of my detaining him. But the Servants, being bribed by their Master, let in twelve Watchmen at the Kitchen Win­dow, who, though they might have open­ed the Chamber-Door, chose rather to break it to pieces, and took the Gentleman and myself Prisoners.

For my own Part, I thought they had been House-breakers, and would willingly have compounded for Life, when entered Mr. P—n, with a Cambric Hand­kerchief tied about his Neck, after the Fashion of Mr. Fribble, and with the [Page 231] Temper of a Stoic, bid the authorized Ruffians not hurt me: But his Christian Care came too late; for one of them had given me a violent Blow on the Temple, and another had dragged two of my Fin­gers out of Joint. The Gentleman, at the Sight of Mr. P—n, threw down his Sword, which he observing, made two of the Watchmen hold him, while he most courageously broke his Head.

After this heroic Action, he told me, who stood quite stupified between Surprize and Pain, that I must turn out of Doors; but observing that I was fainting, he brought up a Bottle of Wine, and kindly drank both our Healths. He would fain have prevailed on us to pledge him; but we were not in a Temper to return Civili­ty. Upon which he took my Hand, and very generously made a Present of me to the Gentleman, who could not in Honour refuse to take me, especially as his own Liberty was not to be procured on any other Terms. Mr. P—n kindly dis­missed our Guards, and assured us, as soon as ever he had obtained a Divorce, he [Page 232] would with great Pleasure, join us together in holy Matrimony. At the Door the Gentleman's Sword was delivered to him. Mr. P—n offered to kiss me at part­ing, which mean Piece of Dissimulation, so much in the Stile of Jack Ketch, gave me the utmost Contempt for the V—n.

It was by this time two o'Clock in the Morning, and we knew not where to steer our Course: However, the Gentleman's Servant always sat up for him, and there­fore he judged it more adviseable to go to his own Lodging, than to search for any other, and, truly, I little cared where I went.

And here, I sincerely assure my Reader, that neither of us even entertained a Thought of any thing like Love, but sat like Statues till Day-break; when recollect­ing that I had nothing to change me with, I wrote a Letter to Mr. P—n to desire he would send me my wearing Apparel, or at least some clean Linen.

He complied with my Request, and wrote me a long Letter, wherein he seemingly ex­pressed an infinite Concern for my Loss, but [Page 233] as I had most strenuously recommended our Children to his Care, he gave it then un­der his Hand that he was perfectly con­vinced they were his own, and that I might depend on his Tenderness to them; but at the same time, as he was determined to be legally divorced, he expected I would not give him any Opposition in it.

Before I received this Letter, I had taken a Lodging in Abbey-street up two pair of Stairs, where my Clothes were brought to me, together with it; but not a single Shilling to assist me, my Watch, my Books, and even what few Jewels I possessed be­fore Marriage, were detained from me, which threw me quite dependant on the Courtesy of the Person I was accused with.

But Mr. P—n was so highly pro­voked at our not cohabiting together, as he wished, that he forced the Gentleman to fly, who having Notice that there was an Action taken out against him, made the best of his way to London, leaving a Letter with five Guineas enclosed in it for [Page 234] me, in the Hands of a Dissenting Minister, who very faithfully discharged his Trust.

Curiosity made me go to the Gentle­man's Lodging to enquire of his Land­lady what she knew relating to him; the Gentlewoman was very obliging, but could give me no Satisfaction or Light into the Affair: However, she made me drink Tea with her, and we sat together till near nine o'Clock at Night.

At my return to my own Lodging, the Maid told me my Room was Let; I said that was odd, as it was taken by the Week, and one not then expired, to Let it with­out giving me Warning to provide myself, which, at that Hour, in a Winter's Night, it was impossible for me to do.

The Maid, to whose care this House was entrusted, for I know not who was Land­lord, told me, I might if I pleased lie in the first Floor, as the Family were not come to Town, and there were only their Servants in the House, whom she could dispose of into worse Beds; but, to my great Surprize, I found the Lock had been taken off the Bed-chamber Door, which I will remem­bered [Page 235] had been on it in the Morning, as I had some Difficulty to open it to take thence some China.

I asked her the meaning of it? She in­sisted positively that there never had been a Lock on it, which knowing to be a Falshood, I began to be apprehensive some foul play was intended, nor was I mistaken.

I then asked her for a young Woman, whom she had told me was a Servant out of Place, that lodged in the back Parlour; she said she was a Bed in the Garret, and that my Trunk was there also; this gave me a sufficient Excuse, as there was no Lock on the Trunk, to go up to her; and as she had been a Lady's Woman, and very well knew who I was, I told her all my Appre­hensions, and she readily consented to quit her own Bed and come to mine.

We brought down the Trunk between us, and placed it against the Chamber-Door; as the Maid was busied with her new Guests, she took it for granted I was alone, and therefore resolved to provide me with [Page 236] a Male Bed-fellow, as a proper Consolation for a Person in my unhappy Situation.

About seven o'Clock in the Morning, not then clear Day, she very furiously pushed open the Chamber-Door, and told me, one Mr. B—k desired to breakfast with me, who was a Member of P—t, and a Man of Fortune, and the Person who had taken the House. I told her I never wished to see any human Creature, and should be glad I could hide myself even from my­self; but she, supposing me to be alone, directly introduced a Man, full six Feet high, and of the most disagreeable Aspect I ever beheld—Perhaps it was my Terror that painted him so to my Imagination.

I started up and threw my Gown about me, but I was not quite so quick in putting on my Clothes as the Gentleman was, in taking his off, resolving, without the least Ceremony to come to Bed to me, I pulled my Companion, who asked him what he meant; why, who the D—l are you, you old B—ch said he: This Lady, mean­ing me, is publickly known thro' all the Coffee-houses in Dublin. Had the Gentle­man [Page 237] been studying how to disappoint his own Intentions, he could not more effectual­ly have done it, as he brought all the Horror of my Condition full upon my Mind. And as I had no Protector, no Friend, no Guardian, I burst into Tears, and told him, if he was a Gentleman, he would not insult Misery. ‘'Do I occasion Tears, Madam?'’ ‘'You do, Sir, and and therefore I desire you will depart.'’ ‘'Well, Madam, said he, I beg pardon, I had a full History of you from the Maid of the House, who said, she believed a Companion would not be disagreeable to you, especially as she was apprehensive you had no Money.'’ ‘'Sir, said I, she is mistaken, I have at least enough to dis­charge my Lodging, which I will imme­diately do; and once more I desire you to withdraw, which accordingly he did.'’

I then prevailed on the young Woman who was with me to take a Lodging for me, and in about half an Hour I went to it.

So from my Heart, I wrote the following Lines.

I believe Mr. P—n would say with old Sir Paul Plyant, when he finds a Love: Letter from a Gentleman to his Wife, signed, your dying Ned Careless, ‘'Ads bud, I wish it were true!'’ But,

[Page 242] But I had a Fellow-Lodger, one Mr. Don­nellan, an Ensign, who it seems knew me so well, that he thought proper to bring the late Earl of R—sse, of facetious Me­mory, and several other Persons of Distinc­tion, to break open my Lodging. On hearing them coming up Stairs, I ran into the Dining-Room, and locked myself in. When those worthy P—rs could not find me, they threatened to kick the Landlady; and one of them putting his Mouth to the Key-hole of the Dining-Room, cried, ‘'Do, my Dear, open the Door; by Heaven! it is nobody but I, D—g, the Fiddler.'’ I made no Reply; so being disappointed, they were forced to decamp, cursing and vowing Revenge against the Woman of the House.

This Accident so terribly alarmed me, that I resolved to quit this Lodging the next Day; but Mr. D—n was de­termined not to permit me to depart in Peace; for, being a military Man, he stood Centinel at the Door of my Chamber all Night, frequently intreating me to let him in; but truly had I been amorously in­clined, [Page 243] the Sight of the various Medicines in his Apartment would have

For, as I had a back Room, when this Gentleman was abroad, I frequently, for Variety, went into his, which looked into the Street.

However, at last he went to Bed; and early next Morning he told the Landlady that I had kept him awake all Night, and that I was a most notorious common S—t.

‘'Arah, by my Shoul (said the old Dame) you would make her one, if you could: What Business had you, and all those Lords with her? One of them bid the Devil to breake my own Neck; but I hope he will be hanged first.'’

While my Landlady, to whom I had never told my Name, related this to me, I heard somebody enquire for Mrs. Pilking­ton, so I desired to know who it was, and up came a very well drest matron like Fe­male of about Fifty; she expressed great [Page 244] Concern for my Misfortunes; said, my dear Father had saved her Life, and that she was at present House-keeper to the Earl of A—m, who was extremely troubled for his Rudeness to me, and hoped I would give him an Opportunity of beg­ging my Pardon. I told her, as I did not know whom to blame, I wanted no Apo­logy; it was my wretched Fate to be sub­ject to the Insolence of every Fellow.

She then urged, what I own was a pre­vailing Argument to one not worth a Shil­ling, that my Lord was very generous, and would, she was sure, make me a hand­some Present, in Recompence of the Ter­ror he had put me into. As I looked on my present Circumstances to be quite de­sperate, being near Lying-in, and having nothing to assist me, I agreed to see him any where, except at my own Lodging. Upon which the artful old Crone told me of a House in the Neighbourhood, a very reputable one according to her Account, where my Lord would meet me in the Evening.

[Page 245]Accordingly I went; but let any one judge of my Surprize, when instead of the Earl, I met a Gentleman whom I had never seen before: So I instantly departing left him to his Contemplations. And in Pro­cess of Time it came to light, that the venerable House-keeper of the Earl, was neither better or worse than the celebrated Mother Brown: And indeed I received many Visits from Ladies of her sublime Calling.

And what most surprised me, was, that they were generally employed by sober mar­ried Men, and such as to my own Know­ledge, lived very well with their Wives; but these Ladies assured me, their Husbands hated them, and would rather have any other Woman. So I found I was not a­lone in my Misfortune. And if every married Man, who has ever attacked me, does not subscribe to my Memoirs, I will, without the least Ceremony, insert their Names, be their Rank ever so high, or their Profession ever so holy.

And the more formal Villains, who, in the Robes of Sanctity, commit worse Frauds then Highwaymen, surely ought not to re­main unexposed.

I once was acquainted with a Prelate, who had certain stated Prices for all his Sins; as thus:

And,

Which, in all in good Time, may be

[Page 248]What I thought most cruel in him was that he never gave a Farthing to the poor Women themselves. But to make up Mat­ters with Heaven, he took up ten Bastards every Year; fed, clothed, and apprenticed them; hoping, no doubt, as his Dealings were pretty promiscuous, some one of them might belong to him. So

As I do not chuse to be guilty of Scan­dalum magnatum, if nobody can guess who I mean, I will fairly acknowledge myself to be as arrant a Dunce as any B—p or Parson in the World, and really that is speaking largely;

And as Milton observes on the Devil's breaking into Paradise:

And it were to be wished that our Blessed Saviour would once more come, and drive those Money-Changers out of the Temple.

I was again once more obliged to change my Lodging, and knew not how to provide for the approaching Calamity: I wrote to Mr. P—n, who generously sent me Six­pence by my eldest Son, to put me above the Temptations to which Want exposes our helpless Sex; for so he expressed him­self in a long Epistle he wrote with it.

But when things are at the worst they generally mend; for who should arrive from London but Mr. W—le. He no sooner heard of my Misfortune, but he came to visit me, and as he had a strange Ambition to be thought a Poet, he assured me, if I would devote my Genius to his Service he would liberally reward me; to which I gladly consented, as an easy and [Page 250] honourable Method of getting a Subsist­ence.

I really would not be so ungenerous to strip the Jack-Daw of his borrowed Plumes, but that his Usage of me in Lon­don was so inhuman, that it merits a worse Punishment from me, than meerly expos­ing his Vanity, and the World may con­clude,

Though Mr. P—n and Harry C—ry were his two Subalterns, or under Strappers in poetical Stock-jobbing. As Mr. W—le was a musical Man, my first Task was to write a Song for him, which I performed in the following manner.

Mr. W—le shewed this Ballad to Mr. P—n, who thought proper to alter the last Verse, giving it this prophane and non­sensical Turn;

As for the Gods envying Mortals, and wish­ing to be like them, it has neither Sense, English, nor even Novelty to recommend it; nor is it agreeable to the Dictates of Reason or Religion; for even a Heathen Author stands condemned for setting Cato in a Light superior to the Gods; but a Christian Divine may say any thing, and so much for an old Song.

I thought my Circumstances might have secured me from any farther Attacks from the Male World; but it seems I was to have no more Rest than the Patriarch's Dove had; for I had a furious Onset from

One C—n, a Person not otherwise known, than by his being acquainted with all the [Page 253] Tricks and Roguery of the Courts; who, because I treated him with the Contempt he deserved, railed at me wherever he went, insomuch that I was obliged to compliment him with the following Lines.

This did not happen to silence the Fel­low, who now carried his Impudence so far, as to declare to all the Lawyers at the Rose Club, that I made Love to him; so, recollecting a Story his Nephew, who was married to my Sister, had related to me, of a vile Use to which he adapted three large Folio Volumes of his Uncle's Philosophy, I wrote the following Ballad, and pacquetted Mr. T—ffe with it, at a Time I knew several Lawyers would be assembled at the Tavern aforementioned; and threatened Mr. T—ffe, if he did not read it out for the Amusement of the Company, he should be my next Subject for Satyr; but no body so earnestly insisted on seeing the Song as C—n himself. To oblige him and entertain the Company, [Page 256] Mr. T—ffe sung it to the Tune of Chevy Chace.

I have been credibly informed that this Song made C—n blush, which was more than any thing had ever done before. How­ever he took a Copy of it, which he pro­mised to publish; but finding he has not been as good as his Word, I must even be at the Expence of doing it my self.

But to return: Mr. W—le came to me, and told me, he had been so unfortunate to disoblige a Lady of Distinction; for not be­ing apprized that she understood French, and being asked in that Language, how he liked her? he said, she was an indifferent Pic­ture of her Sister: But he easily perceived, by an Alteration in her Countenance, that [Page 259] she too well understood him, and that he was out of Hope of obtaining her Pardon, unless something pretty could be wrote upon the Subject by way of Apology; so I raised his Spirits in about half an Hour after, by sending him the following Lines.

In the Evening Mr. W—le returned, and told me, the Lines had made up all Matters; that the other young Lady said, she wished he had affronted her, so he had made her such a pretty Apology. ‘'I must beg of you now, said he, to improve that Hint, and write me some Lines for her Sister.'’ I readily writ for him these.

The Lines had the desired Effect, and both the Ladies were reconciled to the sup­posed Author.

My next Task being a charitable one, I could by no means refuse; which was to write the following Prologue, for the Bene­fit of a distressed Person in Jail.

Mr. W—e now began to make some Figure; and tho' he kept me pretty fully employed, he drove an underhand Trade with Mr. P—n. And as he was not willing that either of us should believe him incapable of Writing, he used to shew Mr. P—n's Work to me, and swear it was his own; and in return, he, with the same modest Assurance, presented mine to him; but we were too well acquainted with each other's Stile to be deceived. At last, Mr. P—n, not satisfied with all the Ex­pence he put him to in London, made a Demand on him for fifty Pounds; but as Mr. P—n had before made the best Penny of me to him he possibly could, and W—le finding what I wrote passed every Jot as well his, he thought it most convenient, if he did disburse any thing, to give it to me, as thinking I most wanted it; so I was now full of Poetical Business, [Page 264] by which my Poverty was relieved, and my Mind amused.

Mr. P—n was so vexed at losing his Chap, that in Revenge he endeavoured to insinuate that we conversed unlawfully to­gether; but this met no Credit, as I very seldom saw him, and never alone.

In the mean time he carried on a vigorous Prosecution against me in the Spiritual Court, in which I gave him no opposition; as he solemnly declared he would always allow me a Maintenance to the utmost of his Ability; and to live with him, I by no means desired.

But no sooner had he obtained a Separa­tion from me, but he retracted every Word he had said; not only refusing to give me any Assistance, but also abusing me, in the most unchristian, false, and scandalous manner, and publickly triumphed in hav­ing over-reached me. Upon this I was [Page 265] advised to lodge an Appeal against him, which made him quite mad. He abused his Advocate Proctor, and the Judge himself, as all doing him Injustice; and tho' I knew none of them, insisted on it, they were Confederates with me against him.

But this outragious manner of Proceed­ing rather injured himself than me; the Delegates were appointed; and as every body whom he consulted, assured him, he would be cast, his haughty Spirit was will­ing to capitulate; but nobody would un­dertake to deliver his Message to me, least he should scandalize them for it; so at length with great Entreaty he prevailed on W—le to make a Proposal from him, to me, of giving me a small Annuity, and thirty Pounds in Money, which, in regard to my Children, I rather chose to accept of, than ruin their Father, as I certainly had it in my power to do.

W—le, who has really a good deal of Humour, came to me one Morning after my being a Week without seeing him, and in a Theatrical manner delivered the following Speech: ‘ [Page 266]Before I speak the Message of the Priest; first give me leave to glory in the Title of his Ambassador.’

I wondered what odd Whim had now taken W—le; and begged he would deliver himself like a Man of this World.

He then related the Proposal afore­mentioned, on which I desired two Days time to consider, and then acquiesced, and withdrew the Appeal, like an easy Fool as I was.

Dearly have I since repented it, as no Articles of the Agreement were kept, altho' I thought they were as strongly assured to me, as the Law could make them; in which there are so many Loop-holes, that even Persons conversant with it may be de­ceived; how then should a Female be sufficiently on her Guard, against the Pro­fessors of a kind of unintelligible Jargon, whose Skill is to puzzle the Cause, or a Science where,

[Page 267]Of the Thirty Pounds, I never received but Fifteen, and those Mr. W—le as­sured me he advanced out of his own Pocket, and never was paid, as I can prove under his own Hand.

But Heav'n knows, as I had every thing to provide for a Child, and myself, and Rent also to pay, this Sum lasted not long, especially as I had no Friend near me.—No; nor any honest Person; for my Landlady, of whom before I had conceived a good Opinion, when she found I was in Labour, insisted either on my paying double the Rent I had engaged for, or quitting her House, which, as it was then too late for me to do, I was necessitated to comply with her exorbitant Demand, which made her very complaisant.

Before I had received even this small Re­lief I wrote to many Ladies, to whom my Father had been Physician, and who once seemed to be my Friends; but to no pur­pose; their constant Answer was, that I deserved nothing; to which general Rule, I never met with but two Exceptions.

[Page 268]I wrote also to the B—p of C—, who after long Deliberation, picked out of his Purse half a Piece, which extraordinary Bounty, he by the Force of Imagination doubled; and also declared that I had sent to him for it, a Woman who had been whipt thro' the Town; who, as she really was a Gentlewoman of good Character, but of low Fortune, had it not been for my Persuasion to the contrary, would have sued his L—p for Defamation.

But as he was so kind to give my Son, who is his God-son, Five Shillings in small Change in London, which he told the Youth was a Crown Piece, who knowing there was such a Coin as a Five Shilling Piece of Gold, searched amongst the Half­pence narrowly to find it, tho' without Success, I think I must pardon him; espe­cially, as on my threatning to expose him since I came to Ireland, he, to bribe me to Secrecy, sent me one Pound, a remark­able and unaccountable Charity from his Lordship, to any Person of whom he had not Carnal Knowledge.

[Page 269]And tho' in a Letter of his, he assures me he desires no public Praise for what he has done, and makes as long and learned a Disquisition between the Law of our Mem­bers and the Law of our Minds, as he once did between Graminervous and Carniverous, which, as I do not understand Latin, I may very possibly mispel, tho' their Signi­fication is, I believe, Grass or Flesh de­vouring Animals; of the later of which, I believe his L—p would make the best Meal. The antient Priests were never permitted to burn Flesh, but as a Sacrifice to the Almighty; but it is reported, that one of them turning a Stake, when it was a little too hot, burned his Finger, on which he licked it, and found it so savory, that he devoured that part which was intended for the Gods; and as the Laity beheld him, to their Opinion, breaking the Law in eating Flesh, he assured them, that he had an immediate Revelation, that it was lawful for him to eat the prime Part of the Flesh, and leave the Garbage for the Laity. Thus we may see how early Priestcraft began; from the very first, they were Flesh­mongers; [Page 270] and Priests of all Religions are the same. Those who want to look farther into the Deceits of Priesthood, may trace it up even to the Nile, from whence Su­perstition and the Crocodile first sprung, both alike destructive to Mankind.

It is known to every learned Divine, that the Priests engrossed the whole Country of Egypt, as the eldest Son of every Priest was born a Priest, and was therefore in­titled to a tenth part of the Land; upon which Joseph, who was not only an admir­able Man but an excellent Politician, and had a Divine Revelation that the Land should suffer Famine ten Years, ordered the Priests to pay in all their Subsidies to the King, whereby, in those ten Years of Dearth, the King purchased, at so low a Rate as giving the People a little Corn, all the Lands in Egypt. These are Remarks of the ad­mirable Lord Shaftsbury, whose inimitable Style and clear Manner of Reasoning carry Conviction with them.

I never knew any Clergyman who quoted him but to his Prejudice, except Dr. Turn­bull: And yet I cannot see why Morality, [Page 271] or the Preaching of it, should in any wise be offensive to a Christian; since there is a certain Beauty in Holiness, which, tho' it were never to be hereafter rewarded, gives a sincere Satisfaction and Quietude of Mind in this Life,—And therefore Virtue does still,

All I would infer from this rambling Di­gression is,

And that Subtilty and Avarice have been almost inseparable from the Priesthood ever since the World began.

[Page 272]But to return. Having at length passed the Pain and Peril of Child-birth, by the Care and Humanity of Dr. Arbuckle, I was in great Distress. It is true, Mr. P—n kindly advised me to leave my Child, which was a Female one, upon the Parish; and as he would willingly have done the same, or worse, to those whose Legitimacy he never questioned, I had the less Reason to blame him; but such a Piece of Inhumani­ty I from Soul abhorred, nor could any thing prevail on me to put it in practice.

Mr. W—le went to Mallow, where at his Request I sent to him the following Poems.

[Page 279]In Return, he sent me the following Lines, which he assured me were his own.

Who wrote those Lines I know not; but as I am certain the Author need not blush to acknowledge them, I hope he will not only pardon my Vanity in making them public, but also subscribe to my Writings.

I can only assure the World, I believe Mr. W—le never wrote a poetical Line in his Life; and therefore I am indebted to some humane and ingenuous Person, who, supposing me guilty, makes an almost di­vine Apology for me.

But as it was impossible for me to subsist meerly on Praise, I made one strong Effort [Page 281] to deliver myself out of Calamity, which was, to beg Mr. P—n to send me some Money, to bear my Expences to London, assuring him I was weary of Ireland; which indeed was true: for I am of the same O­pinion with the pleasant Lady Dorchester, that Dublin is a Place of the least Sin, and the most Scandal, of any City in the World.

Perhaps the Reverse would have better pleased her, as the Lord Chief Justice says to Falstaff:

This Text wants no Comment.

But if my learned Husband will oblige me with one, I shall be his very humble Servant. He has threatened to give a true and impartial Narrative of my Proceedings to the Public; and I wonder why he, who rides so fast, has not got the Whip-hand [Page 282] of me: I fear his Appeal comes half an Hour too late:

I am a sad digressive Writer; by which my Readers may plainly perceive I am no Methodist.

Mr. P—n agreed to my Proposal; and as he was fully determined never to give me any more, sent me nine Pounds, for which, as he said, he sold my Diamond Ring to Mrs. Dubourg, and the Chain of my Watch, which cost six Guineas, to Mrs. W—rr—n, for the Promise of forty Shil­lings; for which I suppose Mr. P—n and she have since accounted. A good-na­tured Man will easily be satisfied with a [Page 283] Lady that will return him a Toy for a Trinket.

Nothing that ever she got vexed me so much as Mr. P—n's giving her my Fa­ther's Snuff-box, which he borrowed from me, under Pretence, that taking a little Snuff preserved him from catching Sickness in Places he was obliged to go to. He de­clared to me he had lost it; but I after­wards saw it with her, as also several other Things belonging to me.

But he is not the first Man who has plun­dered his Wife to oblige his —. As this Lady was, I may say, the principal Cause of a Separation between the Parson and me, I thought I had a Right to de­mand a Subscription from her; which, since my Return to Ireland, I did in very civil Terms. And I think myself in Duty bound to give my learned Readers a Taste of her excellent Style, in answer to me.

I really took great Pains to find out th [...] Meaning of this elaborate Epistle; what i [...] is, future Critics (who are better skilled i [...] broken English) may decide. But I do as­sure the Public it is genuine; which, if they doubt, I can produce it in the Lady's own Scrawl. This Lady sent a Captain of a Ship to me, when she heard I was going for England, to hurry me out of the King­dom; which Circumstance made me stay in it six Months longer than I intended. And having not yet done with her, I can­not forbear remarking that one L—ty, a Painter, a rude Fellow, a few Nights after my Separation from the Parson, took the [Page 285] Liberty, on not readily finding him in his own House, of breaking open his Bed-chamber Door, to which the Maid pointed, where the Lady and Gentleman were ad­ministering Christian Consolation to each other: Ill-bred as he was, when he found how Matters were, he begged Pardon for spoiling Sport; ‘'But Parson, (said he) I did but follow your own Example.'’ So he retired without drinking (though invited) Share of the Punch, of which stood a large Bowl before them; but Gold can work Miracles,

But I suppose this Widow was willing to have a Taste before Matrimony. And I am certain Mr. P—n could not possibly have any other Motive for liking this Wo­man, but merely that she was rich.

I still continued scribbling for Mr. W—le, to whom I sent to Mallow, the following Poems on several Occasions, as he demanded them.

These and fifty others, of which I have no Copy, did this Gentleman get from me, almost for nothing.

In the mean time, having received an un­expected Bounty from a Gentleman of very high Rank and distinguished Honour, I wrote to him the following Lines.

At the Gentleman's own Request I omit his Name; but when I say he is the elder Brother of the greatest Man in this King­dom, he may, perhaps, be guessed at.

This worthy Gentleman soon afterwards fell sick, on which I sent him the following

Mr. W—le had the Conscience to write to me, to desire I would, by the Re­turn of the Post, send him a hundred Bal­lads of my own Composition, as he had al­ready begun to take in Subscriptions for them; and on the Receipt of them, he would order a Gentleman to pay me two Guineas. I suppose he thought I could write as fast as the Poet, whom Horace de­scribes standing on one Leg, while he wrote a thousand Lines: And because I was un­able to comply with this Request, he sent me the following most strange Epistle.

I concluded by this Letter, that the poor Man's Head was turned, and therefore, thought it not worth answering, being now seriously determined to leave Ireland; for, though I led the Life of a Recluse, I had every Day some new Story invented of me. If I went out to take a little Air, they said, I had great Impudence to shew my Face; and if I staid at Home, I was then in Keep­ing with some Man who confined me; and, in short, I could please nobody: Which gave rise to the following Lines.

So these were the last Strains I sung in Ireland; which, ill-used as I was in it, I could not quit without very great Regret; and as the Coach drove by Mr. P—n's Door, I thought my very Heart would split with Sorrow; for there indeed was all the Treasure of my Soul enclosed; namely, my dear little ones. Many a Sigh and Tear they cost me; many a Prayer did I offer up to the Almighty for their Preservation; and had he not been an infinitely more gra­cious Father to them, than their earthly one proved, long long ago had they been finally lost!

My Eyes, even after I went on board the Yatch, were evermore turned to the Shore of Ireland, resting there as on their last Period; till finding myself observed, and that some of the Passengers, Colonel Dalway in particular, wanted to see my [Page 299] Face, which I concealed, I pretended to be Sea-sick, and desired the Steward to shew me a Cabin.

He left me for a few Minutes; and re­turning, told me, all the Beds were en­gaged; but however, there was a Gentle­man on board, who said, he would sooner sit up, than a Lady be unprovided for. I returned my Compliments, without ever so much as enquiring to whom I was obliged.

The Sickness I feigned proved present­ly true; for no sooner was the Ship under Sail, but I grew violently Sea-sick; when the Steward once more entered the Cabin, and told me, the Gentleman, to whom it belonged, desired a Moment's Chat with me. I begged him to make my Apology, as indeed, what with Sickness and Sorrow, I was little in Temper to receive any Person.

However, the Gentleman resolved not to be so easily dismissed; for following the Steward into my Cabin, he told me, he knew me to be Mrs. P—n; that, he could not sit up all Night; and therefore, [Page 300] he hoped I would not refuse him the Li­berty of sleeping in his own Bed.

I answered, I would not, provided he would be so kind as to leave me for a few Moments; on which, weak as I was, I sprung out of Bed, and, as I had not un­dressed myself, soon met him upon Deck.

Who this fame Gentleman was, may, in due Season, be revealed: I can only assure my Readers, that, I believe had I accepted of the Offers he made me, Pover­ty would never have approached me, as he was a Man of Honour, or at least ap­peared to me as such: A Man of Fortune he certainly is; and I doubt not but he has enjoyed many a lovely Lady, without promising them any Reward, or offering them a Settlement for Life, as he really did me.

I dined with him at Parkgate; and I hope Virtue will be rewarded; for though I had but five Guineas in the World to carry me up to London, I yet possessed Chastity enough to refuse fifty for a Night's Lodging, and that too from a handsome well-bred Man, whose Name if I should [Page 301] insert, all the World would acknowledge I spoke but Truth of him.

I shall scarcely ever forget his Words to me, as they seemed almost prophetic. ‘'Well, Madam, (said he) you do not know London; you will be undone there.'’ ‘'Why, Sir, (said I) I hope you do not imagine I will go into any bad Course of Life?'’ ‘'No, Madam, (said he) but I think you will sit in your Chamber, and starve;'’ which, upon my Word, I have been pretty near doing; and, but that the Almighty raised me one worthy Friend, good old Mr. Cibber, to whose Humanity I am, under God, indebted both for Liberty and Life, I had been quite lost.

I dare say, nobody will imagine he served me from any carnal Views; since,

So here I close the First Volume; and as it has been industriously and maliciously [Page 302] reported, that I had in reality nothing to publish, I hope this will convince the World, that Mrs. Pilkington was never yet reduced to the Meanness of Falshood or Tricking. And if this Volume meets with a favourable Reception, I can assure my Readers, the next will be infinitely more entertaining, and is now ready for the Press.