IN the City of Munster in Germany, lived a grave and learned Gentle­man, by Profession an Antiquary; who among all his invaluable Curiosities, esteemed none more highly, than a Skin of the true Pergamenian Parchment, which hung at the upper-end of his hall. On this was curiously traced the ancient Pedigree of the Scribleri, with all their Alliances and collateral Relati­ons [Page 2] (among which were reckon'd Alber­tus Magnus, Paracelsus Bombastus, and the famous Scaligers in old time Princes of Verona) and deduced even from the Times of the Elder Pliny to Cornelius Scriblerus: For such was the name of this venerable Personage; whose glory it was, that by the singular Virtue of the Women, not one had a Head of a different Cast from his family.

His wife was a Lady of singular beauty, whom not for that reason only he espoused, but because she was un­doubted daughter either of the great Scriverius, or of Gaspar Barthius. It happen'd on a time, the said Gaspar made a visit to Scriverius at Harlem, taking with him a comely Lady of his acquaintance who was skilful in the Greek Tongue, of whom the learned Scriverius became so enamour'd, as to inebriate his friend, and be familiar with his Mistress. I am not ignorant of what ^*Columesius affirms, that the [Page 3] learned Barthius was not so overtaken but he perceiv'd it; and in Revenge suffer'd this unfortunate Gentlewoman to be drowned in the Rhine at her re­turn. But Mrs. Scriblerus (the issue of that Amour) was a living proof of the falsehood of this Report. Dr. Cor­nelius was further induced to his mar­riage, from the certain information that the aforesaid Lady, the mother of his wife, was related to Cardan on the fa­ther's side, and to Aldrovandus on the mother's: Besides which, her Ances­tors had been professors of Physick, Astrology, or Chymistry, in German Universities, from generation to gene­ration.

With this fair Gentlewoman had our Doctor lived in a comfortable Union for about ten years: But this our sober and orderly pair, without any natural infirmity, and with a constant and fre­quent compliance to the chief duty of conjugal life, were yet unhappy, in that Heaven had not blessed them with any issue. This was the utmost grief to the good man; especially considering [Page 4] what exact Precautions and Methods he had used to procure that Blessing: for he never had cohabitation with his spouse, but he ponder'd on the Rules of the Ancients, for the generation of Children of Wit. He ordered his diet according to the prescription of Galen, confining himself and his wife for al­most the whole first year to ^†Goat's Milk and Honey. It unfortunately befel her, when she was about four months gone with child, to long for somewhat which that author inveighs against, as prejudicial to the understand­ing of the Infant: This her husband thought fit to deny her, affirming, it was better to be childless, than to be­come the Parent of a Fool. His Wife miscarried; but as the Abortion proved only a female Faetus, he comforted himself, that had it arrived to perfecti­on, it would not have answer'd his ac­count; his heart being wholly fixed upon the learned Sex. However he [Page 5] disdained not to treasure up the Em­bryo in a Vial, among the curiosities of his family.

Having discovered that Galen's pre­scription could not determine the sex, he forthwith betook himself to Ari­stotle. Accordingly he with-held the nuptial embrace when the wind was in any point of the South; this ^‖ Au­thor asserting that the grossness and moisture of the southerly winds occasi­on the procreation of females, and not of males. But he redoubled his dili­gence when the wind was at West, a wind on which that great Philosopher bestowed the Encomiums of Fatner of the earth, Breath of the Elysian Fields, and other glorious Elogies. For our learned man was clearly of opinion, that the Semina out of which Animals are produced, are Animalcula ready form­ed, and received in with the Air. ^†

Under these regulations, his wife, to his unexpressible joy, grew pregnant a [Page 6] second time; and, (what was no small addition to his happiness) he just then came to the possession of a considerable Estate by the death of her Uncle, a wealthy Jew who resided at London. This made it necessary for him to take a journey to England; nor would the care of his posterity let him suffer his Wife to remain behind him. During the voyage, he was perpetually taken up on the one hand, how to employ his great Riches; and on the other, how to educate his Child. He had already determin'd to set apart several annual Sums, for the recovery of Manuscripts, the effosson of Coins, the procuring of Mummies; and for all those curious dis­coveries by which he hoped to become (as himself was wont to say) a second Peireskius. He had already chalked out all possible schemes for the improve­ment of a male child, yet was so far prepar'd for the worst that could hap­pen, that before the nine months were expired, he had composed two Trea­tises of Education; the one he called [Page 7] A Daughter's Mirrour, and the other A Son's Monitor.

This is all we can find relating to Martinus, while he was in his Mother's womb, excepting that he was enter­tained there with a Consort of Musick once in twenty four hours, according to the Custom of the Magi: and that on a ^‖ particular day, he was observed to leap and kick exceedingly, which was on the first of April, the birth-day of the great Basilius Valentinus.

The Truth of this, and every pre­ceding Fact, may be depended upon, being taken literally from the Memoirs. But I must be so ingenuous as to own, that the Accounts are not so certain of the exact time and place of his birth. As to the first, he had the common frailty of old men, to conceal his age: as to the second, I only remember to have heard him say, that he first saw the light in St. Giles's Parish. But in the investigation of this point, Fortune hath favoured our diligence. For one [Page 8] day as I was passing by the Seven Dials, I overheard a dispute concerning the place of Nativity of a great Astrologer, which each man alledged to have been in his own street. The circumstances of the time, and the description of the person, made me imagine it might be that universal Genius whose life I am writing. I returned home, and having maturely considered their several argu­ments, which I found to be of equal weight, I quieted my curiosity with this natural conclusion, that he was born in some point common to all the seven streets; which must be that on which the Column is now erected. And it is with infinite pleasure that I since find my Conjecture confirmed, by the fol­lowing passage in the Codicil to Mr. Neale's Will.

‘ I appoint my Executors to engrave the following Inscription on the Column in the Center of the seven Streets which I erec­ted. ‘LOC. NAT. INCLUT. PHI­LOS. MAR. SCR.’’ [Page 9] But Mr. Neale's Order was never per­formed, because the Executors durst not administer.

Nor was the Birth of this great man unattended with Prodigies: He him­self has often told me, that on the night before he was born, Mrs. Scriblerus dream'd she was brought to bed of a huge Ink-horn, out of which issued several large streams of Ink, as it had been a fountain. This dream was by her husband thought to signify, that the child should prove a very voluminous Writer. Likewise a ^* Crab-tree that had been hitherto barren, appeared on a sudden laden with a vast quantity of Crabs: This sign also the old gentle­man imagined to be a prognostic of the acuteness of his Wit. A great swarm of ^† Wasps play'd round his Cradle without hurting him, but were very troublesome to all in the room besides: This seemed a certain presage of the ef­fects of his Satire. A Dunghill was [Page 10] seen within the space of one night to be covered all over with Mushroom: This some interpreted to promise the infant great fertility of fancy, but no long duration to his works: but the Father was of another opinion.

But what was of all most wonderful, was a thing that seemed a monstrous Fowl, which just then dropt through the sky-light, near his wife's apartment. It had a large body, two little dispro­portioned wings, a prodigious tail, but no head. As its colour was white, he took it at first sight for a Swan, and was concluding his son would be a Poet: but on a nearer view, he pre­ceived it to be speckled with black, in the form of letters; and that it was in­deed a Paper kite which had broke its leash by the impetuosity of the wind. His back was armed with the Art Military, his belly was filled with Phy­sick, his wings were the wings of Quarles and Withers, the several Nodes of his voluminous tail were diversify'd with several branches of Science; where the Doctor beheld with great joy a knot of [Page 11] Logick, a knot of Metaphysick, a knot of Casuistry, a knot of Polemical Divi­nity, and a knot of Common Law, with a Lanthorn of Jacob Behmen.

There went a Report in the family, that as soon as he was born he uttered the voice of nine several animals: he cry'd like a Calf, bleated like a Sheep, chattered like a Mag-pye, grunted like a Hog, neighed like a Foal, croaked like a Raven, mewed like a Cat, gab­bled like a Goose, and bray'd like an Ass. And the next morning he was found playing in his bed with two Owls, which came down the chimney. His Father greatly rejoyced at all these signs, which betokened the variety of his Eloquence, and the extent of his Learning; but he was more particu­larly pleased with the last, as it nearly resembled what happen'd at the birth of ^*Homer.

NO sooner was the cry of the In­fant heard, but the old gentle­man rushed into the Room, and snatch­ing it in his arms, examin'd every limb with attention. He was infinitely pleas'd to find, that the Child had the Wart of Cicero, the wry Neck of Alex­ander, knots upon his legs like Marius, and one of them shorter than the other like Agesilaus. The good Cornelius also hoped he would come to stammer like Demosthenes, in order to be as elo­quent; and in time arrive at many o­ther Defects of famous men. He held the child so long, that the Midwife grown out of all patience, snatch'd it from his arms, in order to swaddle it. ‘' Swaddle him? (quoth he) far be it from me to submit to such a perni­cious Custom! Is not my son a Man? [Page 13] and is not Man the Lord of the Uni­verse? Is it thus you use this Mo­narch at his first arrival in his domini­ons, to manacle and shackle him hand and foot? Is this what you call to be free-born? If you have no regard to his natural Liberty, at least have some to his natural Faculties. Behold with what agility he spreadeth his Toes, and moveth them with as great variety as his Fingers! a power, which in the small circle of a year may be totally abolish'd, by the e­normous confinement of shoes and stockings. His Ears (which other animals turn with great advantage to­wards the sonorous object) may, by the ministry of some accursed Nurse, for ever lye flat and immoveable. Not so the Ancients, they could move them at pleasure, and accordingly are often describ'd arrectis auribus."’ ‘' What a devil (quoth the Midwife) would you have your son move his Ears like a Drill?"’ ‘' Yes fool (said he) why should he not have the per­fection of a Drill, or of any other [Page 14] animal?"’ Mrs. Scriblerus, who lay all this while fretting at her husband's discourse, at last broke out to this pur­pose. ‘' My dear, I have had many dis­putes with you upon this subject be­fore I was a month gone: We have but one child, and can not afford to throw him away upon experiments. I'll have my boy bred up like other gentlemen, at home, and always un­der my own eye."’ All the Gossips with one voice, cry'd, Ay, ay; but Cornelius broke out in this manner. ‘' What, bred at home? Have I taken all this pains for a creature that is to lead the inglorious life of a Cabbage, to suck the nutritious juices from the spot where he was first planted? No; to perambulate this terraqueous Globe is too small a Range; were it per­mitted, he should at least make the Tour of the whole System of the Sun. Let other Mortals pore upon Maps, and swallow the legends of lying tra­vellers; the son of Cornelius shall make his own Legs his Compasses; with those he shall measure Conti­nents, [Page 15] Islands, Capes, Bays, Streights, and Isthmus's: He shall himself take the altitude of the highest moun­tains, from the piek of Derby to the piek of Tenariff; when he has visi­ted the top of Taurus, Imaus, Cau­casus, and the famous Ararat where Noah's Ark first moor'd, he may take a flight view of the snowy Riphaeans; nor would I have him neglect Athos and Olympus, renowned for poetical fictions. Those that vomit fire will deserve a more particular attention: I will therefore have him observe with great care Vesuvius, Aetna, the burning mountain of Java, but chiefly Hecla the greatest rarity in the Nor­thern Regions. Then he may like­wise contemplate the wonders of the Mephitick cave. When he has div'd into the bowels of the earth, and sur­vey'd the works of Nature under ground, and instructed himself fully in the nature of Vulcanos, Earth­quakes, Thunders, Tempests and Hurricanes, I hope he will bless the world with a more exact survey of [Page 16] the deserts of Arabia and Tartary, than as yet we are able to obtain: Then will I have him cross the seven Gulphs, measure the currents in the fifteen famous Streights, and search for those fountains of fresh water that are at the bottom of the Ocean."’—At these last words Mrs. Scriblerus fell into a trembling: the description of this terrible Scene made too violent an impression upon a woman in her con­dition, and threw her into a strong hys­teric Fit; which might have prov'd dangerous, if Cornelius had not been push'd out of the room by the united force of the women.

THE day of the Christ'ning be­ing come, and the house filled with Gossips, the Levity of whose Con­versation [Page 17] suited but ill with the Gra­vity of Dr. Cornelius, he cast about how to pass this day more agreeably to his Character; that is to say, not without some Profitable Conference, nor wholly without observance of some Ancient Custom.

He remembred to have read in The­ocritus, that the Cradle of Hercules was a Shield; and being possess'd of an an­tique Buckler which he held as a most inestimable Relick, he determined to have the infant laid therein, and in that manner brought into the Study, to be shown to certain learned men of his acquaintance.

The regard he had for this Shield, had caused him formerly to compile a Dissertation concerning it, proving from the several properties, and parti­cularly the colour of the Rust, the ex­act chronology thereof.

With this Treatise, and a moderate supper, he proposed to entertain his Guests; tho' he had also another de­sign, to have their assistance in the cal­culation of his Son's Nativity.

[Page 18] He therefore took the Buckler out of a Case (in which he always kept it least it might contract any modern rust), and entrusted it to his House­maid, with orders, that when the com­pany was come she should lay the Child carefully in it, cover'd with a mantle of blue Sattin.

The Guests were no sooner seated, but they entered into a warm Debate about the Triclinium and the manner of Decubitus of the Ancients, which Cornelius broke off in this manner.

This day, my Friends, I purpose to ex­hibit my son before you; a Child not wholly unworthy of Inspection, as he is descended from a Race of Virtuosi. Let the Phisiognomists examine his features; let the Chirographists behold his Palm; but above all let us consult for the cal­culation of his Nativity. To this end, as the child is not vulgar, I will not pre­sent him unto you in a vulgar manner. He shall be cradled in my Ancient Shield, so famous through the Universities of Europe. You all know how I purchas'd that invaluable piece of Antiquity at the [Page 19] great (though indeed inadequate) expence of all the Plate of our family, how hap­pily I carry'd it off, and how trium­phantly I transported it hither, to the inexpressible grief of all Germany. Hap­py in every circumstance, but that it broke the heart of the great Melchior Insipi­dus!

Here he stopp'd his Speech, upon sight of the Maid, who enter'd the room with the Child: He took it in his arms and proceeded:

Behold then my Child, but first behold the Shield: Behold this Rust,—or rather let me call it this precious Aerugo,—behold this beautiful Varnish of Time,—this venerable Verdure of so many Ages—

In speaking these words, he slowly lifted up the Mantle, which cover'd it, inch by inch; but at every inch he un­covered, his cheeks grew paler, his hand trembled, his nerves failed, till on sight of the whole the Tremor became uni­versal: The Shield and the Infant both dropt to the ground, and he had only [Page 20] strength enough to cry out, O God! my Shield, my Shield!

The Truth was, the Maid (extream­ly concern'd for the reputation of her own cleanliness, and her young master's honour) had scoured it as clean as her Andirons.

Cornelius sunk back on a chair, the Guests stood astonished, the infant squawl'd, the maid ran in, snatch'd it up again in her arms, flew into her mis­tresses room, and told what had hap­pen'd. Down stairs in an instant hur­ried all the Gossips, where they found the Doctor in a Trance: Hungary wa­ter, Hartshorn, and the confus'd noise of shrill voices, at length awaken'd him: when opening his eyes, he saw the Shield in the hands of the House­maid. O Woman! Woman! he cry'd (and snatch'd it violently from her) was it to thy ignorance that this Relick owes its ruin? where, where is the beautiful Crust that cover'd thee so long? where those Traces of Time, and Fingers as it were of Antiquity? Where all those beau­tiful obscurities, the cause of much de­lightful [Page 21] disputation, where doubt and curiosity went hand in hand and eternal­ly exercised the speculations of the learn­ed? All this the rude Touch of an igno­rant woman hath done away! The curi­ous Prominence at the belly of that figure, which some taking for the Cus­pis of a sword, denominated a Roman Soldier; others accounting the Insignia Virilia , pronounc'd to be one of the Dii Termini ; behold she hath cleaned it in like shameful sort, and shown to be the head of a Nail. O my Shield! my Shield! well may I say with Horace, non bene relicta Parmula.

The Gossips, not at all inquiring in­to the cause of his sorrow, only asked if the Child had no hurt? and cry'd, Come, come, all is well; what has the woman done but her duty? a tight clean­ly wench I warrant her; what a stir a man makes about a Bason , that an hour ago, before this labour was bestowed up­on it, a Country Barber would not have hung at his shop door. A Bason! (cry'd another) no such matter, 'tis nothing but a paultry old Sconce , with the nozzle [Page 22] broke off. The learned Gentlemen, who till now had stood speechless, here­upon looking narrowly on the Shield, declar'd their Assent to this latter opi­nion; and desir'd Cornelius to be com­forted, assuring him it was a Sconce and no other. But this, instead of com­forting, threw the Doctor into such a violent Fit of passion, that he was car­ried off groaning and speechless to bed; where, being quite spent, he fell into a kind of slumber.

AS soon as Cornelius awaked, he rais'd himself on his elbow, and casting his eye on Mrs. Scriblerus, spoke as follows. Wisely was it said by Homer, that in the Cellar of Jupiter are two barrels, the one of good, the other [Page 23] of evil, which he never bestows on mortals separately, but constantly mingles them together. Thus at the same time hath Heav'n bless'd me with the birth of a Son, and afflicted me with the scouring of my Shield. Yet let us not repine at his Dispensations, who gives and who takes away; but rather join in prayer, that the Rust of Antiquity which he hath been pleas'd to take from my Shield, may be added to my Son; and that so much of it as it is my purpose he shall contract in his Education, may never be destroy'd by any Modern Polishing.

He cou'd no longer bear the sight of the Shield, but order'd it should be remov'd for ever from his eyes. It was not long after purchas'd by Dr. Woodward, who, by the assistance of Mr. Kemp incrusted it with a new Rust, and is the same whereof a Cut hath been engraved, and exhibited to the great Contentation of the learned.

Cornelius now began to regulate the Suction of his Child. Seldom did there pass a day without disputes between him and the Mother, or the Nurse, [Page 24] concerning the nature of Aliment. The poor woman never dined but he denied her some dish or other, which he judg'd prejudicial to her milk. One day she had a longing desire to a piece of beef, and as she stretch'd her hand towards it, the old gentleman drew it away, and spoke to this effect. Had'st thou read the Ancients, O Nurse, thou would'st prefer the welfare of the Infant which thou nourishest, to the indulging of an irregular and voracious Appetite. Beef, it is true, may confer a Robustness on the limbs of my son, but will hebetate and clogg his Intellectuals. While he spoke this, the Nurse look'd upon him with much anger, and now and then cast a wishful eye upon the Beef— Passion (continu'd the Doctor, still hold­ing the dish) throws the mind into too violent a fermentation; it is a kind of Fever of the soul, or, as Horace expresses it, a Short Madness. Consider Woman, that this day's Suction of my son may cause him to imbibe many ungovernable Passions, and in a manner spoil him for the temper of a Philosopher. Romulus [Page 25] by sucking a Wolf, became of a fierce and savage disposition; and were I to breed some Ottoman Emperor or Founder of a Military Commonwealth, perhaps I might indulge thee in this carnivorous Appetite.—What, interrupted the Nurse, Beef spoil the understanding? that's fine in­deed—how then could our Parson preach as he does upon Beef, and Pud­ding too, if you go to that? Don't tell me of your Ancients, had not you al­most kill'd the poor babe with a dish of Daemonial black Broth?— Lacede­monian black Broth, thou would'st say, (reply'd Cornelius) but I cannot allow the surfeit to have been occasioned by that diet, since it was recommended by the Divine Lycurgus. No, Nurse, thou must certainly have eaten some meats of ill digestion the day before, and that was the real cause of his disorder. Consider Woman, the different Temperaments of different Nations: What makes the English Phlegmatick and melancholy but Beef? what renders the Welch so hot and cholerick, but cheese and leeks? the French derive their levity from their [Page 26] Soups, Frogs, and Mushrooms: I would not let my Son dine like an Italian, lest like an Italian he should be jealous and revengeful: The warm and solid diet of Spain may be more beneficial, as it might indue him with a profound Gravity, but at the same time he might suck in with their food their intolerable Vice of Pride. Therefore Nurse, in short, I hold it re­quisite to deny you at present, not only Beef, but likewise whatsoever any of those Na­tions eat. During this speech, the Nurse remain'd pouting and marking her plate with the knife, nor would she touch a bit during the whole din­ner. This the old Gentleman obser­ving, order'd that the Child, to avoid the risque of imbibing ill humours, should be kept from her breast all that day, and be fed with Butter mix'd with Honey, according to a Prescripti­on he had met with somewhere in Eustathius upon Homer. This in­deed gave the Child a great looseness, but he was not concern'd at it, in the opinion that whatever harm it might do his body, would be amply recom­penced [Page 27] by the improvements of his un­derstanding. But from thenceforth he insisted every day upon a particular Diet to be observed by the Nurse; un­der which having been long uneasy, she at last parted from the family, on his ordering her for dinner the Paps of a Sow with Pig; taking it as the high­est indignity, and a direct Insult upon her Sex and Calling.

Four years of young Martin's life pass'd away in squabbles of this nature. Mrs. Scriblerus consider'd it was now time to instruct him in the fundamen­tals of Religion, and to that end took no small pains in teaching him his Cate­chism: But Cornelius look'd upon this as a tedious way of Instruction, and therefore employ'd his head to find out more pleasing methods, the better to induce him to be fond of learning. He would frequently carry him to the Puppet-show, of the Creation of the world, where the Child with exceeding delight gain'd a notion of the History of the Bible. His first rudiments in profane history were acquired by see­ing [Page 28] of Raree-shows, where he was brought acquainted with all the Princes of Europe. In short the old Gentle­man so contriv'd it, to make every thing contribute to the improvement of his knowledge, even to his very Dress. He invented for him a Geo­graphical suit of cloaths, which might give him some hints of that Science, and likewise some knowledge of the Commerce of different Nations. He had a French Hat with an African Feather, Holland Shirts and Flanders Lace, English Cloth lin'd with Indian Silk, his Gloves were Italian, and his Shoes were Spanish: He was made to observe this, and daily catechis'd there­upon, which his Father was wont to call Travelling at home. He never gave him a Fig or an Orange but he obliged him to give an account from what Country it came. In Natural history he was much assisted by his Curiosity in Sign-Posts, insomuch that he hath often confess'd he owed to them the knowledge of many Creatures which he never found since in any Au­thor, [Page 29] such as White Lions, Golden Dragons, &c. He once thought the same of Green Men, but had since found them mention'd by Kercherus, and verify'd in the History of William of Newbury. ^*

His disposition to the Mathematicks was discover'd very early, by his draw­ing ^† parallel lines on his bread and butter, and intersecting them at equal Angles, so as to form the whole Su­perficies into squares. But in the midst of all these Improvements, a stop was put to his learning the Alphabet, nor would he let him proceed to Letter D, till he could truly and distinctly pro­nounce C in the ancient manner, at which the Child unhappily boggled for near three months. He was also o­blig'd to delay his learning to write, having turn'd away the Writing Master because he knew nothing of Fabius's Waxen Tables.

[Page 30] Cornelius having read, and seriously weigh'd the methods by which the fa­mous Montaigne was educated, and re­solving in some degree to exceed them, resolv'd he should speak and learn no­thing but the learned Languages, and especially the Greek; in which he constantly eat and drank, according to Homer. But what most conduced to his easy attainment of this Language, was his love of Ginger-bread; which his Father observing, caused it to be stampt with the Letters of the Greek Alphabet; and the child the very first day eat as far as Iota. By this parti­cular application to this language above the rest, he attain'd so great a profi­cience therein, that Gronovius inge­nuously confesses he durst not confer with this child in Greek at eight years old; and at fourteen he composed a Tragedy in the same language, as the younger ^*Pliny had done before him.

He learn'd the Oriental Languages of Erpenius who resided some time [Page 31] with his father for that purpose. He had so early a Relish for the Eastern way of writing, that even at this time he composed (in imitation of it) the Thousand and One Arabian Tales, and also the Persian Tales, which have been since translated into several languages, and lately into our own with particular elegance, by Mr. Ambrose Philips. In this work of his Childhood, he was not a little assisted by the historical Traditions of his Nurse.

HERE follow the Instructions of Cornelius Scriblerus concern­ing the Plays and Play-things to be used by his son Martin.

Notwithstanding the foregoing In­junctions of Dr. Cornelius, he yet con­descended to allow the Child the use of some few modern Play-things; such as might prove of any benefit to his mind, by instilling an early notion of the sciences. For example, he found that Marbles taught him Percussion and the Laws of Motion; Nut-crackers the use of the Leaver; Swinging on the ends of a Board, the Balance; Bottle­screws, the Vice; Whirligigs the Axis and Peritrochia; Bird-cages, the Pul­ly; and Tops the Centrifugal motion.

Others of his sports were farther carry'd to improve his tender soul even in Virtue and Morality. We shall on­ly instance one of the most useful and instructive, Bob-cherry, which teaches at once two noble Virtues, Patience and Constancy; the first in adhering to the pursuit of one end, the latter in bearing a disappointment.

[Page 37] Besides all these, he taught him as a diversion, an odd and secret manner of Stealing, according to the Custom of the Lacedaemonians; wherein he succeeded so well, that he practised it to the day of his death.

NOR was Cornelius less careful in adhering to the rules of the pu­rest Antiquity, in relation to the Exer­cises of his Son. He was stript, pow­der'd, and anointed, but not constantly bath'd, which occasion'd many heavy complaints of the Laundress about dir­tying his linnen. When he play'd at Quoits, he was allow'd his Breeches and Stockings; because the Discoboli (as Cornelius well knew) were naked [...] the middle only. The Mother often [Page 38] contended for modern Sports and com­mon Customs, but this was his constant reply, Let a Daughter be the care of her Mother, but the Education of a Son should be the delight of his Father.

It was about this time, he heard to his exceeding content, that the Har­pastus of the Ancients was yet in use in Cornwall, and known there by the name of Hurling. He was sensible the common Foot-ball was a very im­perfect imitation of that exercise; and thought it necessary to send Martin in­to the West, to be initiated in that truly ancient and manly part of the Gymna­sticks. The poor boy was so unfortu­nate as to return with a broken leg. This Cornelius look'd upon but as a slight ailment, and promis'd his Mother he would instantly cure it: He slit a green Reed, and cast the knife upward, then tying the two parts of the Reed to the disjointed place, pronounced these words, ¹² Daries, daries, astataries, [Page 39] dissunapiter; huat, hanat, huat, ista, pista fista, domi abo, damnaustra. But finding to his no small astonishment, that this had no effect, in five days he condescended to have it set by a mo­dern Surgeon.

Mrs. Scriblerus, to prevent him from exposing her Son to the like dangerous Exercises for the future, propos'd to send for a Dancing-Master, and to have him taught the Minuet and Rigadoon. Dancing (quoth Cornelius) I much ap­prove, for Socrates said the best Dancers were the best Warriors; but not those species of Dancing which you mention: They are certainly Corruptions of the Comic and Satyric Dance, which were utterly disliked by the sounder Ancients. Martin shall learn the Tragic Dance only, and I will send all over Europe till I find an Antiquary able to instruct him in the Saltatio Pyrrhica. ^* Scaliger, [Page 40] from whom my son is lineally descended, boasts to have performed this warlike Dance in the Presence of the Emperor, to the great admiration of all Germany. What would he say, could be look down and see one of his posterity so ignorant, as not to know the least step of that noble kind of Saltation?

The poor Lady was at last enur'd to bear all these things with a laudable patience, till one day her husband was seized with a new thought. He had met with a saying, that ‘' Spleen, Gar­ter, and Girdle are the three impe­diments to the Cursus.'’ Therefore Pliny (lib. xi. cap. 37.) says, that such as excel in that exercise have their Spleen cauteriz'd. My son (quoth Cor­nelius) runs but heavily; therefore I will have this operation performed upon him immediately. Moreover it will cure that immoderate Laughter to which I perceive he is addicted: For laughter (as the same author hath it, ibid.) is caused by the bigness of the Spleen. This design was no sooner hinted to Mrs. Scriblerus, but she burst into tears, [Page 41] wrung her hands, and instantly sent to his Brother Albertus, begging him for the love of God to make haste to her husband.

Albertus was a discreet man, sober in his opinions, clear of Pedantry, and knowing enough both in books and in the world, to preserve a due regard for whatever was useful or excellent, whe­ther ancient or modern: If he had not always the authority, he had at least the art, to divert Cornelius from many extravagancies. It was well he came speedily, or Martin could not have boasted the entire Quota of his Viscera. What does it signify (quoth Albertus) whether my Nephew excels in the Cursus or not? Speed is often a symptom of Cow­ardice, witness Hares and Deer.—Do not forget Achilles (quoth Cornelius) I know that Running has been condemn'd by the proud Spartans, as useless in war; and yet Demosthenes could say [...], a thought which the English Hudibras has well rendered,

That's true (quoth Albertus) but pray consider on the other side that Animals ^* spleened grow extremely salacious, an experiment well known in dogs. Corne­lius was struck with this, and reply'd gravely; If it be so, I will defer the Operation, for I will not encrease the powers of my son's body at the expence of those of his mind. I am indeed disap­pointed in most of my projects, and fear I must down at last contented with such methods of Education as modern bar­barity affords. Happy had it been for us all, had we lived in the age of Au­gustus! Then my son might have heard the Philosophers dispute in the Porticos of the Palestra and at the same time form'd his Body and his Understanding. It is true (reply'd Albertus) we have no Ex­edra for the Philosophers, adjoining to our Tennis-Courts; but there are Ale-Houses where he will hear very notable [Page 43] argumentations: Tho' we come not up to the Ancients in the Tragic-dance, we ex­cel them in the [...], or the art of Tumbling. The Ancients would have beat us at Quoits , but not so much at the Jaculum or pitching the Bar. The ^*Pugilatus is in as great perfection in England as in old Rome, and the Cor­nish-Hug in the ^†Luctus is equal to the volutatoria of the Ancients. You could not (answer'd Cornelius) have pro­duc'd a more unlucky instance of modern folly and barbarity, than what you say of the Jaculum. The ^‖ Cretians wisely forbid their servants Gymnasticks, as well as Arms; and yet your modern Footmen exercise themselves daily in the Jaculum at the corner of Hyde-Park , whist their enervated Lords are lolling in their cha­riots (a species of Vectitation seldom us'd amongst the Ancients, except, by old Men.) You say well (quoth Albertus) and we have several other kinds of Vectitation unknown to the Ancients, particularly flying Chariots, where the people may [Page 44] have the benefit of this exercise at the small expence of a farthing. But sup­pose (which I readily grant) that the An­cients excel'd us almost in every thing, yet why this singularity? your son must take up with such masters as the present age affords; we have Dancing-masters, Wri­ting-masters, and Musick-masters.

The bare mention of Musick threw Cornelius into a passion. How can you dignify (quoth he) this modern fidling with the name of Musick? Will any of your best Hautboys encounter a Wolf now a-days with no other arms but their in­struments, as did that ancient piper Py­thocaris? Have ever wild Boars, Ele­phants, Deer, Dolphins, Whales or Tur­botts, shew'd the least emotion at the most elaborate strains of your modern Scrapers, all which have been as it were tam'd and humaniz'd by ancient Musicians? Does not ^* Aelian tell us how the Lybian Mares were excited to horsing by Musick? (which ought in truth to be a caution to modest Women against frequenting Operas; [Page 45] and consider, brother, you are brought to this dilemma, either to give up the vir­tue of the Ladies, or the power of your Musick) Whence proceeds the degeneracy of our Morals? Is it not from the loss of ancient Musick, by which (says Ari­stotle) they taught all the Virtues? Else might we turn Newgate into a College of Dorian Musicians, who should teach mo­ral Virtues to those People. Whence comes it that our present diseases are so stubborn? whence is it that I daily de­plore my Sciatical pains? Alas! because we have lost their true cure, by the me­lody of the Pipe. All this was well known to the Ancients, as ^† Theophra­stus assures us, (whence ^§ Caelius calls it loca dolentia decantare ) only indeed some small remains of this skill is preserved in the cure of the Tarantula. Did not ^‖ Pythagoras stop a company of drunken Bullies from storming a civil house, by changing the strain of the Pipe to the so­ber Spondaeus? and yet your modern Mu­sicians want art to defend their windows [Page 46] from common Nickers. It is well known that when the Lacedaemonian Mob were up, they ^* commonly sent for a Lesbian Musician to appease them, and they im­mediately grew calm as soon as they heard Terpander sing: Yet I don't believe that the Pope's whole band of Musick, though the best of this age, could keep his Holi­ness's Image from being burnt on a fifth of November. Nor would Terpander himself (replyed Albertus) at Billing s­gate, nor Timotheus at Hockley in the Hole have any manner of effect, nor both of 'em together bring ^† Horneck to com­mon civility. That's a gross mistake (said Cornelius very warmly) and to prove it so, I have here a small Lyra of my own, fram'd, strung, and tun'd after the ancient manner. I can play some fragments of Lesbian tunes, and I wish I were to try them upon the most passionate creatures alive.—You never had a bet­ter opportunity (says Albertus) for yonder are two apple-women scolding, and just [Page 47] ready to uncoif one another. With that Cornelius, undress'd as he was, jumps out into his Balcony, his Lyra in hand, in his slippers, with his breeches hang­ing down to his ankles, a stocking up­on his head, and a waistcoat of mur­rey-colour'd sattin upon his body: He touch'd his Lyra with a very unusual sort of an Harpegiatura, nor were his hopes frustrated. The odd Equipage, the uncouth Instrument, the strange­ness of the Man and of the Musick, drew the ears and eyes of the whole Mob that were got about the two fe­male Champions, and at last of the Combatants themselves. They ap­proach'd the Balcony, in as close atten­tion as Orpheus's first Audience of Cat­tle, or that of an Italian Opera when some favourite Air is just awaken'd. This sudden effect of his Musick en­couraged him mightily, and it was ob­serv'd he never touch'd his Lyre in such a truly chromatick and enharmonick manner as upon that occasion. The mob laugh'd, sung, jump'd, danc'd, and us'd many odd gestures, all which he [Page 48] judg'd to be caused by his various strains and modulations. Mark (quoth he) in this, the power of the Ionian, in that, you see the effect of the Aeolian. But in a little time they began to grow rio­tous, and threw stones: Cornelius then withdrew, but with the greatest air of Triumph in the world. Brother (said he) do you observe I have mixed unawares too much of the Phrygian ; I might change it to the Lydian , and soften their riotous tempers: But it is enough: learn from this Sample to speak with venerati­on of ancient Musick. If this Lyre in my unskilful hands can perform such won­ders, what must it not have done in those of a Timotheus or a Terpander? Having said this, he retir'd with the utmost Exultation in himself, and Contempt of his Brother; and, it is said, be­hav'd that night with such unusual haughtiness to his family, that they all had reason to wish for some ancient Tibicen to calm his Temper.

COrnelius having (as hath been said) many ways been disappoin­ted in his attempts of improving the bodily Forces of his son, thought it now high time to apply to the Culture of his Internal faculties. He judg'd it proper in the first place to instruct him in Rhetorick. But herein we shall not need to give the Reader any account of his wonderful progress, since it is already known to the learned world by his Treatise on this subject: I mean the admirable Discourse [...], which he wrote at this time but conceal'd from his Father, knowing his extreme par­tiality for the Ancients. It lay by him conceal'd, and perhaps forgot among the great multiplicity of other Writings, till about the year 1727, he sent it us to be printed, with many additional ex­amples drawn from the excellent live [Page 50] Poets of this present age. We proceed therefore to Logick and Metaphysick.

The wise Cornelius was convinced, that these being Polemical Arts, could no more be learned alone, than Fencing or Cudgel-playing. He thought it therefore necessary to look out for some Youth of pregnant parts, to be a sort of humble Companion to his son in those studies. His good fortune directed him to one of most singular endowments, whose name was Conradus Crambe, who by the father's side was related to the Crouches of Cambridge, and his mo­ther was Cousin to Mr. Swan, Game­ster and Punster of the City of London. So that from both parents he drew a natural disposition to sport himself with Words, which as they are said to be the counters of wise Men, and ready­money of Fools, Crambe had great store of cash of the latter sort. Happy Martin in such a Parent, and such a Companion! What might not he at­chieve in Arts and Sciences.

Here I must premise a general obser­vation of great benefit to mankind. [Page 51] That there are many people who have the use only of one Operation of the Intellect, tho' like short-sighted men they can hardly discover it themselves: They can form single apprehensions, but have neither of the other two faculties, the judicium or discursus. Now as it is wisely order'd, that people depriv'd of one sense have the others in more perfection, such people will form single Ideas with a great deal of vivacity; and happy were it indeed if they would confine themselves to such, without forming judicia, much less argumen­tations.

Cornelius quickly discover'd, that these two last operations of the intel­lect were very weak in Martin, and al­most totally extinguish'd in Crambe; however he used to say that Rules of Logick are Spectacles to a purblind un­derstanding, and therefore he resolv'd to proceed with his two Pupils.

Martin's understanding was so total­ly immers'd in sensible objects, that he demanded examples from Material things of the abstracted Ideas of Lo­gick: [Page 52] As for Crambe, he contented himself with the Words, and when he could but form some conceit upon them, was fully satisfy'd. Thus Crambe would tell his Instructor, that All men were not singular; that Individu­ality could hardly be praedicated of any man, for it was commonly said that a man is not the same he was, that madmen are beside themselves, and drun­ken men come to themselves; which shows, that few men have that most valuable logical endowment, Individu­ality. Cornelius told Martin that a shoulder of mutton was an individual, which Crambe deny'd, for he had seen it cut into commons: That's true (quoth the Tutor) but you never saw it cut into shoulders of mutton: If it could (quoth Crambe) it would be the most lovely individual of the Univer­sity. When he was told, a substance was that which was subject to accidents; then Soldiers (quoth Crambe) are the most substantial people in the World. Neither would he allow it to be a good definition of accident, that it could be [Page 53] present or absent without the destruction of the subject; since there are a great many accidents that destroy the sub­ject, as burning does a house, and death a man. But as to that, Cornelius in­formed him, that there was a natural death, and a logical death; that though a man after his natural death was not capable of the least parish-office, yet he might still keep his Stall amongst the logical praedicaments.

Cornelius was forc'd to give Martin sensible images; thus calling up the Coachman he ask'd him what he had seen at the Bear-garden? the man an­swer'd he saw two men fight a prize; one was a fair man, a Sergeant in the Guards, the other black, a Butcher; the Sergeant had red breeches, the Butcher blue; they fought upon a Stage about four o'clock, and the Sergeant wounded the Butcher in the leg. Mark (quoth Cornelius) how the fellow runs through the praedicaments. Men, Sub­stantia; two, quantitas; fair and black, qualitas; Sergeant and Butcher, relatio; wounded the other, actio & passio; fight­ing, [Page 54] situs; Stage, ubi; two a Clock, quando; blue and red Breeches, habitus. At the same time he warn'd Martin, that what he now learn'd as a Logician, he must forget as a natural Philosopher; that tho' he now taught them that ac­cidents inher'd in the subject, they would find in time there was no such thing; and that colour, taste, smell, heat, and cold, were not in the things but only phantasms of our brains. He was forc'd to let them into this secret, for Martin could not conceive how a habit of dancing inher'd in a dancing­master, when he did not dance; nay, he would demand the Characteristicks of Relations: Crambe us'd to help him out by telling him, a Cuckold, a losing gamester, a man that had not din'd, a young heir that was kept short by his father, might be all known by their countenance; that, in this last case, the Paternity and Filiation leave very sensible impressions in the relatum and correlatum. The greatest difficulty was, when they came to the Tenth Praedi­cament: Crambe affirmed, that his [Page 55] Habitus was more a substance than he was; for his cloaths could better subsist without him, than he without his cloaths.

Martin suppos'd an Universal Man to be like a Knight of a Shire or a Bur­gess of a Corporation, that represented a great many Individuals. His Father ask'd him, if he could not frame the Idea of an Universal Lord Mayor? Martin told him, that never having seen but one Lord Mayor, the Idea of that Lord Mayor always return'd to his mind; that he had great difficulty to abstract a Lord Mayor from his Fur, Gown, and Gold Chain; nay, that the horse he saw the Lord Mayor ride up­on not a little disturb'd his imagination. On the other hand Crambe, to show himself of a more penetrating genius, swore that he could frame a conception of a Lord Mayor not only without his Horse, Gown, and Gold Chain, but even without Stature, Feature, Colour, Hands, Head, Feet, or any Body; which he suppos'd was the abstract of a Lord Mayor. Cornelius told him [Page 56] that he was a lying Rascal; that an Universale was not the object of imagi­nation, and that there was no such thing in reality, or a parte Rei. But I can prove (quoth Crambe) that there are Clysters a parte Rei, but clysters are universales; ergo. Thus I prove my Minor. Quod aptum est inesse multis, is an universale by definition: but every clyster before it is administred has that quality; therefore every clyster is an universale.

He also found fault with the Ad­vertisements, that they were not strict logical definitions: In an advertise­ment of a Dog stol'n or stray'd, he said it ought to begin thus, An irrational a­nimal of the Genus caninum, &c. Cor­nelius told them, that though those ad­vertisements were not fram'd according to the exact rules of logical definitions, being only descriptions of things numero differentibus, yet they contain'd a faint image of the praedicabilia, and were highly subservient to the common pur­poses of life; often discovering things that were lost, both animate and ina­nimate. [Page 57] An Italian Grey-bound, of a mouse-colour, a white speck in the neck, lame of one leg, belongs to such a Lady. Grey-hound, Genus; mouse-colour'd, &c. differentia; lame of one leg, ac­cidents; belongs to such a Lady, pro­prium.

Though I'm afraid I have transgress'd upon my Reader's patience already, I cannot help taking notice of one thing more extraordinary than any yet men­tion'd; which was Crambe's Treatise of Syllogisms. He suppos'd that a Phi­losopher's brain was like a great Forest, where Ideas rang'd like animals of se­veral kinds; that those Ideas copulated, and engender'd Conclusions; that when those of different Species copu­late, they bring forth monsters or absur­dities; that the Major is the male, the Minor the female, which copulate by the Middle Term, and engender the Conclusion. Hence they are call'd the praemissa, or Predecessors of the Con­clusion; and it is properly said by Lo­gicians quod pariunt scientiam, opinionem, they beget science, opinion, &c. Uni­versal [Page 58] Propositions are Persons of quali­ty; and therefore in Logick they are said to be of the first Figure. Singu­lar Propositions are Private persons, and therefore plac'd in the third or last figure, or rank. From those principles all the rules of Syllogisms naturally follow.

• I. That there are only three Terms, neither more nor less; for to a child there can be only one father and one mother.
• II. From universal premisses there fol­lows an universal conclusion, as if one should say that persons of quality always beget persons of quality.
• III. From singular premisses follows only a singular conclusion, that is, if the parents be only private people, the issue must be so likewise.
• IV. From particular propositions no­thing can be concluded, because the Individua vaga are (like whore­masters and common strumpets) barren.
• [Page 59] V. There cannot be more in the con­clusion than was in the premisses, that is, children can only inherit from their parents.
• VI. The conclusion follows the weak­er part, that is, children inherit the diseases of their parents.
• VII. From two negatives nothing can be concluded, for from divorce or separation there can come no issue.
• VIII. The medium cannot enter the conclusion, that being logical incest.
• IX. An hypothetical proposition is only a contract, or a promise of marriage; from such therefore there can spring no real issue.
• X. When the premisses or parents are necessarily join'd (or in lawful wedlock) they beget lawful issue; but contingently join'd, they beget bastards.

So much for the Affirmative propo­sitions; the Negative must be defer'd to another occasion.

Crambe us'd to value himself upon this System, from whence he said one [Page 60] might see the propriety of the expres­sion, such a one has a barren imaginati­on; and how common it is for such people to adopt conclusions that are not the issue of their premisses? therefore as an Absurdity is a Monster, a Falsity is a Bastard; and a true conclusion that followeth not from the premisses, may properly be said to be adopted. But then what is an Enthymem? (quoth Cornelius.) Why, an Enthymem (re­ply'd Crambe) is when the Major is indeed married to the Minor, but the Marriage kept secret.

METAPHYSICKS were a large field in which to exercise the Weapons Lo­gick had put into their hands. Here Martin and Crambe us'd to engage like any prize fighters, before their Father, and his other Learned companions of the Symposiacks. And as Prize fight­ers will agree to lay aside a buckler or some such defensive weapon, so would Crambe promise not to use simpliciter & secundum quid, provided Martin would part with materialiter & forma­liter: But it was found, that without [Page 61] the help of the defensive armour of those Distinctions, the arguments cut so deep, that they fetch'd blood at e­very stroke. Their Theses was pick'd out of Suarez, Thomas Aquinas, and other learned writers on those subjects. I shall give the Reader a taste of some of them.

• I. If the Innate Desire of the know­ledge of Metaphysicks was the cause of the Fall of Adam; and the Arbor Porphyriana the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil? affirm'd.
• II. If transcendental goodness could be truly praedicated of the Devil? affirm'd.
• III. Whether one, or many be first? or if one doth not suppose the notion of many? Suarez.
• IV. If the desire of news in mankind be appetitus innatus not elicitus? affirm'd.
• V. Whether there is in human under­standings potential falsities? affirm'd.
• VI. Whether God loves a possible An­gel better than an actually-existent flye? deny'd.
• [Page 62] VII. If Angels pass from one extreme to another without going through the middle? Aquinas.
• VIII. If Angels know things more clearly in a morning? Aquinas.
• IX. Whether every Angel hears what one Angel says to another? deny'd, Aquinas.
• X. If temptation be proprium quarto modo of the Devil? deny'd. Aquinas.
• XI. Whether one Devil can Illuminate another? Aquin.
• XII. If there would have been any fe­males born in the state of Innocence? Aquinas.
• XIII. If the Creation was finish'd in six days, because six is the most per­fect number; or if six be the most perfect number because the Creation was finished in six days? Aquinas.

There were several others of which in the course of the life of this learned person we may have occa­sion to treat, and one particularly that remains undecided to this day; it was taken from the learned Suarez.

• [Page 63]XIV. An praeter esse reale actualis es­sentiae sit aliud esse necessarium quo res actualiter existat? In English thus. Whether besides the real being of actual being, there be any other be­ing necessary to cause a thing to be?

This brings into my mind a Project to banish Metaphysicks out of Spain, which was suppos'd might be effectu­ated by this method: That no-body should use any Compound or Decom­pound of the Substantial Verbs but as they are read in the common conjuga­tions: for every body will allow, that if you debar a Metaphysician from ens, essentia, entitas, subsistentia, &c. there is an end of him.

Crambe regretted extremely, that Substantial Forms, a race of harmless beings which had lasted for many years, and afforded a comfortable subsistance to many poor Philosophers, should be now hunted down like so many Wolves, without the possibility of a retreat. He consider'd that it had gone much harder with them than with Essences, [Page 64] which had retir'd from the Schools into the Apothecaries Shops, where some of them had been advanc'd into the de­gree of Quintessences. He thought there should be a retreat for poor substantial Forms, amongst the Gentle-ushers at court; and that there were indeed sub­stantial forms, such as forms of Prayer, and forms of Government, without which, the things themselves could neyer long subsist. He also us'd to wonder that there was not a reward for such as could find out a fourth Figure in Logick, as well as for those who shou'd discover the Longitude.

COrnelius, it is certain, had a most superstitious veneration for the Ancients; and if they contradicted each other, his Reason was so pliant and ductile, that he was always of the opinion of the last he read. But he reckon'd it a point of honour never to be vanquish'd in a dispute; from [Page 65] which quality he acquir'd the title of the Invincible Doctor. While the Pro­fessor of Anatomy was demonstrating to his son the several kinds of Intestines, Cornelius affirm'd that there were only two, the Colon and the Aichos, accord­ing to Hippocrates, who it was impos­sible could ever be mistaken. It was in vain to assure him this error proceed­ed from want of accuracy in dividing the whole Canal of the Guts: Say what you please (he reply'd) this is both mine and Hippocrates's opinion. You may with equal reason (answer'd the Professor) affirm that a man's Liver hath five Lobes, and deny the Circula­tion of the blood. Ocular demonstra­tion (said Cornelius) seems to be on your side, yet I shall not give it up: Show me any viscus of a human body, and I will bring you a Monster that differs from the common rule in the structure of it. If Nature shews such variety in the same age, why may she not have extended it further in several ages? Produce me a man now of the age of an Antidiluvian; of the strength [Page 66] of Sampson, or the size of the Giants. If in the whole, why not in parts of the body, may it not be possible the present generation of men may differ from the Ancients? The Moderns have perhaps lengthen'd the channel of the guts by Gluttony, and diminish'd the liver by hard drinking. Though it shall be demonstrated that modern blood circulates, yet I will still believe with Hippocrates, that the blood of the Ancients had a flux and reflux from the heart, like a Tide. Consider how Luxury hath introduced new diseases, and with them not improbably alter'd the whole Course of the Fluids. Con­sider how the current of mighty Rivers, nay the very channels of the Ocean are changed from what they were in an­cient days; and can we be so vain to imagine, that the Microcosm of the human body alone is exempted from the fate of all things? I question not but plausible Conjectures may be made even as to the Time when the blood first began to circulate.—Such dis­putes as these frequently perplex'd the [Page 67] Professor to that degree, that he would now and then in a passion leave him in the middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happen'd soon after, an unusual accident, which re­tarded the prosecution of the studies of Martin. Having purchased the body of a Malefactor, he hir'd a Room for its dissection near the Pest-fields in St. Giles's, at a little distance from Tyburn Road. Crambe (to whose care this bo­dy was committed) carry'd it thither about twelve a clock at night in a Hack­ney-coach, few House-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to such kind of Operators. As he was softly stalking up stairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have slipp'd from him, which he (to save from falling) grasp'd so hard about the belly that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noise exactly like the Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeconomy could remain in a dead man) was so terrify'd, [Page 68] that he threw down the body, ran up to his master, and had scarce breath to tell him what had happen'd. Martin with all his Philosophy could not pre­vail upon him to return to his post. You may say what you please (quoth Crambe) no man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay, he seemed to be mightily relieved by it. The rolling of the corps down stairs made such a noise that it awak'd the whole house. The maid shriek'd, the landlady cry'd out Thieves; but the Landlord, in his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand and a drawn sword in the other, ventur'd out of the Room. The maid with only a single petticoat ran up stairs, but spurning at the dead body, fell up­on it in a swoon. Now the Landlord stood still and list'ned, then he look'd behind him, and ventur'd down in this manner one stair after another, 'till he came where lay his maid, as dead, up­on another corps unknown. The wife ran into the street and cry'd out Mur­der! the Watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar, [Page 69] were coming down stairs. The Watch imagin'd they were making their escape, seiz'd them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Justice; where, upon searching them, several kind of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Justice first examin'd Crambe. What is your Name? says the Justice. I have acquir'd (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no mat­ter which, as to my self; though it may be some dispute to posterity.—What is yours and your Masters pro­fession? —It is our business to imbrue our hands in blood; we cut off the heads, and pull out the hearts of those that never injur'd us; we rip up big-belly'd women, and tear children limb from limb. Mar­tin endeavour'd to interrupt him; but the Justice being strangely astonish'd with the frankness of Crambe's Con­fession, order'd him to proceed; upon which he made the following Speech.

May it please your Worship, as touch­ing the body of this man, I can answer each head that my accusers alledge against [Page 70] me, to a hair. They have hitherto talk'd like num-sculls without brains; but if your Worship will not only give ear, but regard me with a favourable eye, I will not be brow-beaten by the supercilious looks of my adversaries, who now stand cheek by jowl by your Worship. I will prove to their faces, that their foul mouths have not open'd their lips without a fal­sity; though they have shewed their teeth as if they would bite off my nose. Now, Sir, that I may fairly slip my Neck out of the collar, I beg this matter may not be slightly skin'd over. Tho' I have no man here to back me, I will un-bosom my self, since Truth is on my side, and shall give them their bellies full, though they think they have me upon the hip. Whereas they say I came into their lodg­ings, with arms, and murder'd this man without their Privity, I declare I had not the least Finger in it; and since I am to stand upon my own legs, nothing of this matter shall be left till I set it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, I cannot for my heart's blood and guts bear this usage: I shall not spare my [Page 71] lungs to defend my good name: I was ever reckon'd a good liver; and I think I have the bowels of compassion. I ask but justice, and from the crown of my head to the soal of my foot I shall ever acknowledge my self your Worship's hum­ble Servant.

The Justice stared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Mar­tin fretted, while Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Ju­stice was convinc'd, till they sent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corps had been purchas'd; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No sooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a passion at Crambe. What Daemon, he cry'd, hath possessed thee that thou will never forsake that imper­tinent custom of punning? Neither my council nor my example have thus misled thee; thou governest thy self by most erro­neous Maxims. Far from it (answers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my [Page 72] Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I or­der my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the seasons, months, and days of the year: Every day I am under the dominion of a cer­tain Word: but this day in particular I cannot be misled, for I am govern'd by one that rules all sexes, ages, con­ditions, nay all animals rational and ir­rational. Who is not govern'd by the word Led? Our Noblemen and Drunk­ards are pimp-led, Physicians and Pul­ses fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-married Man and an Ass are bride-led, an Old-married Man and a Pack-horse sad-led; Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are sty-led, a Coquet and a Tinder-box are spark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are grove-led. And that I may not be te­dious—Which thou art (reply'd Mar­tin, stamping with his foot) which thou art, I say, beyond all human toleration—Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unprofita­ble—There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your Day for Uns. [Page 73] Martin could bear no longer—however composing his Countenance, Come hi­ther—he cry'd, there are five pounds, seventeen shillings and nine pence: thou hast been with me eight months, three weeks, two days, and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money upon the ground, and burst forth in these words: O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a crime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias! if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I bias'd. Whereupon Martin, (considering that one of the greatest of Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned,) hesit­ted, relented, and re-instated Crambe in his Service.

IT was a most peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every Trifle into a serious thing, either in the way [Page 74] of Life, or in Learning. This can no way be better exemplify'd, than in the effect which the Puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies of Martinus, He conceiv'd, that somewhat of a like Talent to this of Crambe, of assembling parallel sounds, either syllables, or words, might conduce to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Authors, if ap­ply'd to their Works, with the same diligence, and the same liberty. He re­solv'd to try first upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence; concluding, that if the most correct Authors could be so served with any reputation to the Critick, the amendment and alteration of all the rest wou'd easily follow; whereby a new, a vast, nay boundless Field of Glory would be open'd to the true and absolute Critick.

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, in the Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His Terence and Horace are in every bodies hands, under the names of Richard B [...]ley, and Francis H [...]re. And we have convincing proofs that the late Edition of Milton [Page 75] publish'd in the name of the former of these, was in truth the Work of no o­ther than our Scriblerus.

BUT it is high time to return to the History of the Progress of Mar­tinus in the Studies of Physick, and to enumerate some at least of the many Discoveries and Experiments he made therein.

One of the first was his Method of investigating latent Distempers, by the sagacious Quality of Setting-Dogs and Pointers. The Success, and the Ad­ventures that besel him, when he walk'd with these Animals, to smell them out in the Parks and publick places about London, are what we would willingly relate; but that his own Account, to­gether with a List of those Gentlemen [Page 76] and Ladies at whom they made a Full Sett, will be publish'd in time conveni­ent. There will also be added the Re­presentation, which on occasion of one distemper which was become almost e­pidemical, he thought himself oblig'd to lay before both Houses of Parliament, intitled, A Proposal for a General Flux, to exterminate at one blow the P [...]x out of this kingdom.

He next proceeded to an Enquiry into the Nature and Tokens of Virgini­ty, according to the Jewish Doctrines, which occasion'd that most curious Treatise of the Purification of ^* Queen Esther, with a Display of her Case at large; speedily also to be published.

But being weary of all practice on foetid Bodies, from a certain niceness of Constitution, (especially when he at­tended Dr. Woodward thro' a Twelve-months course of Vomition) he deter­mined to leave it off entirely, and to ap­ply himself only to diseases of the Mind. He attempted to find out Specificks for [Page 77] all the Passions; and as other Physi­cians throw their Patients into sweats, vomits, purgations, &c. he cast them into Love, hatred, hope, fear, joy, grief, &c. And indeed the great Irregu­larity of the Passions in the English Nation, was the chief motive that in­duced him to apply his whole studies, while he continued among us, to the Diseases of the Mind.

To this purpose he directed, in the first place, his late acquir'd skill in Ana­tomy. He consider'd Virtues and Vices as certain Habits which proceed from the natural Formation and Structure of particular parts of the body. A Bird flies because it has Wings, a Duck swims because it is web-footed: and there can be no question but the Adun­city of the pounces, and beaks of the Hawks, as well as the length of the fangs, the sharpness of the teeth, and the strength of the crural and Masseter­muscles in Lions and Tygers, are the cause of the great and habitual Immo­rality of those Animals.

[Page 78] Ist, He observ'd that the Soul and Body mutually operate upon each o­ther, and therefore if you deprive the Mind of the outward Instruments whereby she usually expresseth that Passion, you will in time abate the Passion itself, in like manner as Ca­stration abates Lust.

2dly, That the Soul in mankind ex­presseth every Passion by the Motion of some particular Muscles.

3dly, That all Muscles grow stronger and thicker by being much us'd; there­fore the habitual Passions may be dis­cerned in particular persons by the strength and bigness of the Muscles us'd in the expression of that Passion.

4thly, That a Muscle may be strengthen'd or weakn'd by weakning or strength'ning the force of its Anta­gonist. These things premis'd, he took notice,

That Complaisance, humility, assent, approbation, and civility, were express'd by nodding the head and bowing the body forward: on the contrary, dissent, dislike, refusal, pride, and arrogance, [Page 79] were mark'd by tossing the head, and bending the body backwards: which two Passions of assent, and dissent the Latins rightly express'd by the words adnuere and abnuere. Now he observ'd that complaisant and civil people had the Flexors of the head very strong; but in the proud and insolent there was a great over-balance of strength in the Extensors of the Neck and the Muscles of the Back, from whence they per­form with great facility the motion of tossing, but with great difficulty that of bowing, and therefore have justly ac­quir'd the Title of stiff-neck'd: In or­der to reduce such persons to a just balance, he judg'd that the pair of Muscles call'd Recti interni, the Mas­toidal, with other flexors of the head, neck, and body must be strengthen'd; their Antagonists, the Splenii Complexi, and the Extensors of the Spine, weak­en'd; For which purpose Nature her­self seems to have directed mankind to correct this Muscular Immorality by tying such fellows Neck-and-heels.

[Page 80] Contrary to this, is the pernicious Custom of Mothers who abolish the natural Signature of Modesty in their Daughters by teaching them tossing and bridling, rather than the bashful pos­ture of stooping, and hanging down the head. Martinus charg'd all husbands to take notice of the Posture of the Head of such as they courted to Matri­mony, as that upon which their future happiness did much depend.

Flatterers, who have the flexor Mus­cles so strong that they are always bow­ing and cringing, he suppos'd might in some measure be corrected by being ty'd down upon a Tree by the back, like the children of the Indians; which doctrine was strongly confirm'd by his observing the strength of the levatores Scapulae: This Muscle is call'd the Muscle of patience, because in that af­fection of Mind people shrug and raise up the shoulder to the tip of the ear. This Muscle also he observed to be ex­ceedingly strong and large in Henpeck'd Husbands, in Italians, and in English Ministers.

[Page 81] In pursuance of his Theory, he sup­pos'd the Constrictors of the Eye-lids, must be strengthen'd in the supercili­ous, the abductors in drunkards and con­templative men, who have the same steddy and grave motion of the eye. That the buccinatores or blowers up of the cheeks, and the dilators of the Nose, were too strong in Cholerick people; and therefore Nature here again direc­ted us to a remedy, which was to cor­rect such extraordinary dilatation by pulling by the Nose.

The rolling amorous Eye, in the Passion of Love, might be corrected by frequently looking thro' glasses. Imper­tinent fellows that jump upon Tables, and cut capers, might be cur'd by relax­ing medicines apply'd to the Calves of their legs, which in such people are too strong.

But there were two Cases which he reckon'd extremely difficult. First, Affectation, in which there were so many Muscles of the bum, thighs, bel­ly, neck, back, and the whole body, all [Page 82] in a false tone, that it requir'd an im­practicable multiplicity of applications.

The second case was immoderate Laughter: When any of that risible species were brought to the Doctor, and when he consider'd what an infinity of Muscles these laughing Rascals threw into a convulsive motion at the same time; whether we regard the spasms of the Diaphragm and all the muscles of respiration, the horrible rictus of the mouth, the distortion of the lower jaw, the crisping of the nose, twinkling of the eyes, or sphaerical convexity of the cheeks, with the tremulous succussion of the whole human body: when he consider'd, I say, all this, he used to cry out Casus plane deplorabilis! and give such Patients over.

AN eminent Instance of Martinus's Sagacity in discovering the Dis­tempers of the Mind, appear'd in the case of a young Nobleman at Court, who was observ'd to grow extremely affected in his speech, and whimsical in all his behaviour. He began to ask odd questions, talk in verse to himself, shut himself up from his friends, and be accessible to none, but Flatterers, Poets, and Pickpockets; till his Relations and old Acquaintance judged him to be so far gone, as to be a fit Patient for the Doctor.

As soon as he had heard and exami­ned all the symptoms, he pronounced his distemper to be Love.

His friends assured him that they had with great care observ'd all his motions, [Page 84] and were perfectly satisfy'd there was no Woman in the case. Scriblerus was as positive that he was desperately in love with some person or other. How can that be? (said his Aunt, who came to ask the advice) when he converses almost with none but himself? Say you so? he replied, why then he is in love with Himself, one of the most com­mon cases in the world. I am asto­nish'd, people do not enough attend this Disease, which has the same causes and symptoms, and admits of the same cure, with the other: especially since here the case of the Patient is the more help­less and deplorable of the two, as this unfortunate passion is more blind than the other. There are people who dis­cover from their very youth a most a­morous inclination to themselves; which is unhappily nurs'd by such Mothers, as with their good will, wou'd never suffer their children to be cross'd in love. Ease, luxury, and idleness, blow up this flame as well as the other: Constant opportunities of conversation with the person beloved, (the greatest [Page 85] of incentives) are here impossible to be prevented. Bawds and Pimps in the other love, will be perpetually doing kind offices, speaking a good word for the party, and carry about Billet doux. Therefore I ask you, Madam, if this Gentleman has not been much frequen­ted by Flatterers, and a sort of people who bring him dedications and verses? O Lord! Sir, (quoth the Aunt) the house is haunted with them. There it is, (reply'd Scriblerus) those are the bawds and pimps that go between a man and himself. Are there no civil Ladies, that tell him he dresses well, has a gentlemanly air, and the like? Why truly Sir, my Nephew is not auk­ward—Look you Madam, this is a misfortune to him: In former days these sort of lovers were happy in one respect, that they never had any Rivals, but of late they have all the Ladies so—Be pleased to answer a few ques­tions more. Whom does he generally talk of? Himself, quoth the Aunt. Whose wit and breeding does he most commend? His own, quoth the Aunt. [Page 86] Whom does he write letters to? Him­self. Whom does he dream of? All the dreams I ever heard were of him­self. Whom is he ogling yonder? Himself in his looking-glass. Why does he throw back his head in that languishing posture? Only to be blest with a smile of himself as he passes by, Does he ever steal a kiss from himself, by biting his lips? Oh continually, till they are perfect vermilion. Have you observ'd him to use Familiarities with any body? With none but himself: he often embraces himself with folded arms, he claps his hand often upon his hip, nay sometimes thrusts it into—his breast.

Madam, said the Doctor, all these are strong symptoms, but there remain a few more. Has this amorous gentle­man presented himself with any Love­toys; such as gold Snuff-boxes, repea­ting Watches, or Tweezer-cases? those are things that in time will soften the most obdurate heart. Not only so, (said the Aunt) but he bought the other day a very fine brilliant diamond Ring for his own wearing.—Nay, if he has accep­ted [Page 87] of this Ring, the intrigue is very forward indeed, and it is high time for friends to interpose. Pray Madam, a word or two more—Is he jealous that his acquaintance do not behave them­selves with respect enough? will he bear jokes and innocent freedoms? By no means; a familiar appellation makes him angry; if you shake him a little roughly by the hand, he is in a rage; but if you chuck him under the chin he will return you a box on the ear.—Then the case is plain: he has the true Pathognomick sign of Love, Jealously; for no body will suffer his mistress to be treated at that rate. Madam, upon the whole this Case is extreamly dange­rous. There are some people who are far gone in this passion of self-love, but then they keep a very secret Intrigue with themselves, and hide it from all the world besides. But this Patient has not the least care of the Reputati­on of his Beloved, he is downright scan­dalous in his behaviour with himself; he is enchanted, bewitch'd, and almost [Page 88] past cure. However let the following methods be try'd upon him.

First, let him *** Hiatus. *** Secondly, let him wear a Bob-wig. Thirdly, shun the Company of flatter­ers, nay of ceremonious people, and of all Frenchmen in general. It would not be a miss if he travel'd over Eng­land in a Stage-coach, and made the Tour of Holland in a Track-scoute. Let him return the Snuff-boxes, Twee­zer-cases, (and particularly the Dia­mond Ring) which he has receiv'd from himself. Let some knowing friend represent to him the many vile Qualities of this Mistress of his: let him be shewn that her Extravagance, Pride, and Prodigality will infallibly bring him to a morsel of bread: Let it be prov'd, that he has been False to himself, and if Treachery is not a suf­ficient cause to discard a Mistress, what is? In short let him be made to see that no mortal besides himself either loves or can suffer this Creature. Let all Looking-glasses, polish'd Toys, and even clean Plates beremoved from him, [Page 89] for fear of bringing back the admired object. Let him be taught to put off all those tender airs, affected smiles, languishing looks, wanton tosses of the head, coy motions of the body, that mincing gait, soft tone of voice, and all that enchanting woman-like behaviour, that has made him the charm of his own eyes, and the object of his own a­doration. Let him surprize the Beauty he adores at a disadvantage, survey him­self naked, divested of artificial charms, and he will find himself a forked strad­ling Animal, with bandy legs, a short neck, a dun hide, and a pot-belly. It would be yet better if he took a strong purge once a week, in order to contem­plate himself in that condition: at which time it will be convenient to make use of the Letters, Dedications, &c. abovesaid. Something like this has been observ'd by Lucretius and o­thers to be a powerful remedy in the case of Women. If all this will not do, I must e'en leave the poor man to his destiny. Let him marry himself, and when he is condemn'd eternally to [Page 90] himself, perhaps he may run to the next pond to get rid of himself, the Fate of most violent Self-lovers.

IN this Design of Martin to investi­gate the Diseases of the Mind, he thought nothing so necessary as an En­quiry after the Seat of the Soul; in which at first he labour'd under great uncertainties. Sometimes he was of opinion that it lodg'd in the Brain, sometimes in the Stomach, and some­times in the Heart. Afterwards he thought it absurd to confine that sove­reign Lady to one apartment, which made him infer that she shifted it ac­cording to the several functions of life: The Brain was her Study, the Heart her State-room, and the Stomach her Kitchen. But as he saw several Offices [Page 91] of life went on at the same time, he was forc'd to give up this Hypothesis also. He now conjectured it was more for the dignity of the Soul to perform several operations by her little Ministers, the Animal Spirits, from whence it was natural to conclude, that she resides in different parts according to different In­clinations, Sexes, Ages, and Professions. Thus in Epicures he seated her in the mouth of the Stomach, Philosophers have her in the Brain, Soldiers in their Heart, Women in their Tongues, Fid­lers in their Fingers, and Rope-dancers in their Toes. At length he grew fond of the Glandula Pinealis, dissecting many Subjects to find out the different Figure of this Gland, from whence he might discover the cause of the diffe­rent Tempers in mankind. He sup­pos'd that in factious and restless-spirit­ed people he should find it sharp and pointed, allowing no room for the Soul to repose herself; that in quiet Tem­pers it was flat, smooth, and soft, af­fording to the Soul as it were an easy cushion. He was confirm'd in this by [Page 92] observing, that Calves and Philosophers, Tygers and Statesmen, Foxes and Shar­pers, Peacocks and Fops, Cock-Spar­rows and Coquets, Monkeys and Play­ers, Courtiers and Spaniels, Moles and Misers, exactly resemble one another in the conformation of the Pineal Gland. He did not doubt likewise to find the same resemblance in Highway­men and Conquerors: In order to sa­tisfy himself in which, it was, that he purchased the body of one of the first Species (as hath been before rela­ted) at Tyburn, hoping in time to have the happiness of one of the latter too, under his Anatomical knife.

We must not omit taking notice here that these Enquiries into the Seat of the Soul gave occasion to his first cor­respondence with the society of Free-Thinkers, who were then in their infan­cy in England, and so much taken with the promising endowments of Martin, that they order'd their Secretary to write him the following Letter.

What return Martin made to this obliging Letter we must defer to ano­ther occasion: let it suffice at present to tell, that Crambe was in a great rage at them, for stealing (as he thought) a hint from his Theory of Syllogisms, with­out [Page 101] doing him the honour so much as to mention him. He advis'd his Master by no means to enter into their Society, unless they would give him sufficient security, to bear him harm­less from any thing that might happen after this present life.

BUT now the successful Course of the Studies of Martin was inter­rupted by Love: Love, that unnerves the Vigour of the Hero, and softens [Page 103] the Severity of the Philosopher. It chanced, that as Martin was walking forth to inhale the fresh breeze of the Evening, after the long and severe Studies of the day, and passing through the Western Confines of the famous Metropolis of Albion, not far from the proud Battlements of the Palace of Whitehall, whose walls are embraced by the silver Thames; his eyes were drawn upwards by a large square piece of Canvas, which hung forth to the view of the passing Citizens. Upon it was pourtrayed by some accurate pencil, the Lybian Leopard more fierce than in his native Desart; the mighty Lion, who boasted thrice the bulk of the Nemaean monster; before whom stood the little Jackall, the faithful spy of the King of beasts: Near these was placed, of two Cubits high, the black Prince of Mono­motapa; by whose side were seen the glaring Cat-a-mountain, the quill-dar­ting Porcupine, and the Man-mimick­ing Manteger. Close adjoining to this, hung another piece of Canvas on which was display'd the pourtrait of two Bo­hemian [Page 104] Damsels, whom Nature had as closely united as the ancient Herma­phroditus and Salmacis; and whom it was as impossible to divide, as the mingled waters of the gentle Thames and the amorous Isis. While Martin stood in a meditating posture, feasting his eyes on this Picture, he heard on a sudden the sonorous notes of a Clarion, which seem'd of the purest crystal: In an instant the passing multitude flock'd to the sound, as when a Drum sum­mons the straggling soldiers to the ap­proaching Battle. The youthful Vir­tuoso, who was in daily pursuit of the Curiosities of Nature, was immediately surrounded by the gazing throng. The doors, for ever barr'd to the pennyless populace, seem'd to open themselves at his producing a silver Six-pence, which (like Aeneas's golden bough) gain'd him admission into that Scene of Won­ders. He no sooner enter'd the first apartment, but his nostrils were struck with the scent of Carnage; broken Bones and naked Carcasses bestrow'd the floor. The majestick Lion rouz'd [Page 105] from his bed, and shook his brindled Mane; the spotted Leopard gnash'd his angry teeth, and walking to and fro, in indignation rattled his chains. Mar­tin with infinite pleasure heard the Hi­story of the several Monsters, which was courteously open'd to him by a Person of a grave and earnest mien; whose frank behaviour and ready an­swers discover'd him to have been long conversant with different Nations, and to have journey'd through distant Re­gions. By him he was informed, that the Lion was hunted on the hills of Lebanon, by the Basha of Jerusalem; that the Leopard was nurs'd in the un­inhabited woods of Lybia; the Porcu­pine came from the kingdom of Pres­ter-John, and the Manteger was a true descendant of the celebrated Hanniman the Magnificent. Sir, said Mr. Ran­dal (for that was the name of the Master of the Show) the whole World cannot match these prodigies: twice have I sail'd round the Globe; these feet have travers'd the most remote and barbarous nations; and I can with [Page 106] conscience affirm, that not all the De­sarts of the four Quarters of the Earth furnish out a more compleat sett of A­nimals than what are contain'd within these walls. Friend, (answer'd Mar­tin) bold is thy Assertion, and wonder­ful is the knowledge of a Traveller. But did'st thou ever risque thy self a­mong the ^*Scythian Canibals, or those wild men of Abarimon, who walk with their feet backwards? hast thou ever seen the Sciopi, so called because when laid supine, they shelter them­selves from the Sun-beams with the shadow of their feet? canst thou pro­cure me a Troglodyte footman, who can catch a Roe at his full speed? hast thou ever beheld those Illyrian damsels who have two sights in one eye, whose looks are poisonous to males that are adult? hast thou ever measur'd the gi­gantick Ethiopian, whose stature is a­bove eight cubits high, or the sesqui­pedalian Pigmey? hast thou ever seen any of the Cynocephali, who have the [Page 107] head and voice of a Dog, and whose ^*milk is the only true specifick for Consumptions? Sir (reply'd Mr. Ran­dal) all these have I beheld, upon my honour, and many more which are set forth in my Journal: As for your dog­fac'd men, they are no other than what stands before you; that is naturally the fiercest, but by art the tamest Mante­ger in the world. That word (replies Martin) is a corruption of the ^†Man­tichora of the Ancients, the most nox­ious Animal that ever infested the earth; who had a Sting above a cubit long, and would attack a rank of armed men at once, flinging his poisonous darts se­veral miles around him. Canst thou inform me whether the Boars grunt in Macedonia? Canst thou give me a Certificate that the Lions in Africa are afraid of the scolding of Wo­men? hast thou ever heard the sagaci­ous Hyaena counterfeit the voice of a shepherd, imitate the vomiting of a [Page 108] man to draw the dogs together, and ev'n call a shepherd by his proper name? Your Crocodile is but a small one, but you ought to have brought with him the bird Trochilos that picks his teeth after dinner, at which the silly animal is so pleased, that he gapes wide enough to give the Ichneumon, his mortal e­nemy, an entrance into his belly. Your modern Ostriches are dwindled to meer Larks in comparison with those of the Ancients; theirs were equal in stature to a man on horseback. Alas! we have lost the chaste bird Porphyrion! the whole Race was destroy'd by Wo­men, because they discover'd the infi­delity of wives to their husbands. The Merops too is now no where to be found, the only bird that flew backward by the tail. But say, canst thou inform me, what Dialect of the Greek is spo­ken by the birds of Diomedes'island? for it is from them only we can learn the true pronunciation of that ancient language.—Mr. Randal made no sa­tisfactory answer to these demands, but harangued chiefly upon modern Mon­sters, [Page 109] and seem'd willing to confine his instances to the Animals of his own col­lection, pointing to each of them in order with his Rod.

After Martin had satisfy'd his curi­osity here, he was conducted into ano­ther Apartment. Just at the entrance of the door appear'd a Negroe Prince. His habiliments bespoke him royal; his head was crown'd with the feather of an Ostrich, his sable feet and legs were interlaced with Purple and Gold, spangled with the Diamonds of Corn­wall, and the precious stones of Bristol. Though his stature was of the lowest, yet he behav'd himself with such an Air of Grandeur, as gave evident to­kens of his Regal Birth and Education. He was mounted upon the lest Palfrey in the Universe; a Palfrey whose na­tural Beauty stood not in need of those various colour'd Ribbons which braided his Mane, and were interwoven with his Tail. Again the chrystal Clarion founded, and after several courteous speeches between the black Prince and Martin, our youthful Philosopher [Page 110] walk'd into the midst of the room, to bless his sight with the most beautiful Curiosity of Nature. On a sudden en­ter'd at another door the two Bohemi­an Sisters, whose common parts of Ge­neration, had so closely ally'd them, that Nature seem'd here to have con­spired with Fortune, that their lives should run in an eternal Parallel.

The Sun had twice eight times per­form'd his annual course, since their Mother brought them into the world with double pangs. Lindamira's eyes were of a lively blue; Indamora's were black and piercing. Lindamira's cheeks might rival the blush of the morning; in Indamora the Lilly overcame the Rose. Lindamira's tresses were of the paler Gold, while the locks of Inda­mora were black and glossy as the Plumes of a Raven.

How great is the power of Love in human breasts! In vain has the Wise man recourse to his Reason, when the insinuating Arrow touches his heart, and the pleasing poison is diffused through his veins. But then how vio­lent, [Page 111] how transporting must that pas­sion prove, where not only the Fire of Youth, but the unquenchable Curiosi­ty of a Philosopher, pitch'd upon the same object! For how much soever our Martin was enamour'd on her as a beautiful Woman, he was infinitely more ravish'd with her as a charming Monster. What wonder then, if his gentle Spirit, already humaniz'd by a polite Education to receive all soft im­pressions, and fired by the sight of those beauties so lavishly expos'd to his view, should prove unable to resist at once so pleasing a Passion, and so ami­able a Phaenomenon?

Martin, who felt the true emotions of Love, blush'd that the Object of his flame should be so openly prostitu­ted to vulgar eyes. And though he had been permitted to peruse her most secret charms, yet his honourable pas­sion was so strong, that it ran into the extreme of bashfulness; so that at the first interview he made no Overtures of his Love. Pensive he return'd, and flinging himself on his Couch, pass'd [Page 112] away the tedious hours of the night in the utmost Inquietude. The rushy Taper afforded a glimm'ring light, by which he contemplated the tender lines of Ovid; but alas! his Remedy of Love was no cure for our unhappy Lover's Anxiety! He closed the amorous vo­lume, sigh'd, and casting his eyes a­round on the Books that adorned his room, broke forth in this pathetic Apo­strophe.

O ye Spirits of Antiquity, who yet live in those sacred leaves! why do I make you conscious of my shame? Yet why should I depreciate the noble Pas­sion of Love, and call it Shame? your Heroes have felt it, your Poets and O­rators have prais'd it. Were I ena­mour'd on some gaudy Virgin, did I doat on vulgar Perfection, the Lustre of an Eye, or the Rose of a Cheek; with reason might I blush before you, most learned Inquisitors into Nature! most reverend Pliny, Aelian, and Al­drovandus! Yet sure you cannot disap­prove of this, which is no wanton Pas­sion, but excited by so unparallel'd a [Page 113] Production; a flame, that may not on­ly justify itself to the Severity of a Phi­losopher, but even to the Avarice of a Parent; since she who causes it carries a most plentiful Fortune in the sole Ex­hibition of her person. Heavens! how I wonder at the Stupidity of man­kind, who can affix the opprobrious Name of Monstrosity to what is only Variety of Beauty, and a Profusion of generous Nature? If there are charms in one face, one mouth, one body; if there are charms in two eyes, two breasts, two arms; are they not all re­doubled in the Object of my Passion? What tho'she be the common Gaze of the multitude, and is follow'd about by the stupid and ignorant; does she not herein resemble the greatest Princes, and the greatest Beauties? only with this difference, that her Admirers are more numerous, and more lasting.

Thus sigh'd he away the melancholy Night; but no sooner had Aurora, with blushes in her cheeks (as consci­ous that she was just risen from the embraces of Tithon) advanc'd through [Page 114] the purple gates of the east, but Mar­tin rose: He rose indeed, but Melan­choly, the companion of his slumbers, rose and wak'd with him. This was the first day that he amused himself with the gaudy Ornaments of the bo­dy; that with secret pleasure he con­templated his Face, and the symmetry of his limbs in a looking-glass. And now forsaking his solitary apartment, he walked directly to the habitation that confined the Object of his desires. But as it is observ'd that the Curious never wander into the City to indulge their thirst of knowledge'till about the hours of eleven or twelve; the Morn­ing has ever been the season of Repose for all those Animals, who (trapann'd by the frauds of Men) have been o­blig'd to change their Woods and Wil­dernesses for Lodgings in Cities at the rate of four shillings a week. There­fore Martin at this early hour was nei­ther saluted by the sound of the Trum­pet, nor were his eyes feasted as before with the pleasing picture of his Mi­stress; but he walked to and fro before [Page 115] the door with folded arms, from the hour of five to eleven, humming in a low and melancholy tune.

The Trumpet no sooner sounded, but his heart leapt for joy, and a se­cond six-pence gain'd him a second ad­mittance into her apartment. Yet this day also, he only own'd his Passion in the language of his Eyes: But alas! this language is only understood by those that love, and Lindamira remain'd still ignorant of his Passion.

In the mean time it was no small cause of wonder to Mr. Randal, that this Gentleman should come every day to behold the same show. He, no less covetous than the Guardian of a rich Heiress, entertain'd a suspicion that Martin had a design of stealing the La­dies. He thereupon issued out strict Orders, not to admit our Lover on any pretence whatsoever. What Torments must this occasion in the raging feaver of Love! Martin had now recourse to Stratagem, and by a Bribe (which of­ten even the Ermine and Scarlet Robe cannot resist) gain'd the Dwarf who [Page 116] kept the gates of the Show-room, to promote his Amour. He promis'd to convey a Letter to Lindamira the same evening, if he would bring it him when darkness favour'd his design, at the apartment next the Monsters. Mar­tin overjoy'd, hasted home, and after having consulted all the Authors that treat of Love, composed his Billet­doux, and at the time appointed went to entrust it to the hands of his Confi­dent. Softly he stole up stairs, approach'd the door, and gave a gentle rap; when on a sudden a small hand was thrust through a little hole at the bottom of the door, whence issued an unintelli­gible, squeaking voice. Martin con­cluding it to be the Signal, delivered his Epistle, and made his retreat unob­serv'd. He was no sooner retir'd, but Mr. Randal enter'd, and (as it was his usual custom before he went to bed) took a view if all were safe in the Show-room. At his coming in, he saw his Monkey exceedingly busy in picking the Seal-wax by little bits from a Letter, which he turn'd over and o­ver [Page 117] with infinite satisfaction. Mr. Randal, not thinking it a breach of honour to pry into the secrets of his own family, took the Letter from him, and read as follows.

The Dwarf enter'd as he was read­ing the Letter, and perceiving his Ma­ster mov'd with passion, immediately fell on his knees and confess'd the whole affair. Mr. Randal bent on re­venge, caused him to hasten to Mar­tin's house, with assurances that Lin­damira had read his Letter with infinite satisfaction, and conjured him that he would immediately favour her escape. Martin overjoy'd at the news, flew thi­ther on the Wings of Love. The per­fidious Dwarf conducted him up stairs in the dark, gently open'd the door, [Page 119] and bad him enter. How happy was Martin in that instant, who thought of nothing but leaping into the four soft arms of his Mistress! when lo, on a sudden he saw at the further end of the Room two glitt'ring balls of Fire, which roll'd to and fro in a most terri­ble manner. Immediately his ears were invaded with horrid hissings and spit­tings, the balls of Fire drew nearer him, and the noise redoubled as he ap­proach'd. Our Philosopher bold and resolute with love, ventur'd towards it; when all at once he perceiv'd something grasp him hard by the throat, and fix as it were sharp lances in his cheek, so that blood trickled amain down his chin. Thrice Martin essay'd to free himself, but vain were all his endeavours: till at length, to save his life, he was for­ced to betray his Intrigue, and alarm the house with reiterated cries of Mur­der. The apartment of the Bohemian Beauties being the adjoining Room, they were the first that enter'd with a light to his assistance. Martin all bloody as he was, a most fierce Cat-a-moun­tain [Page 120] hanging at his chin, (which Mr. Randal had maliciously placed there on purpose) at the sight of Lindamira forgot his distress. Ah, my Love! (he cry'd) how like is thy fate to that of Thisbe! who staying but a moment too late, found, as she thought, her mise­rable Lover torn in pieces by a Savage beast! The affrighted Damsels skriek'd aloud, Mr. Randal with all his Reti­nue rush'd into the room, and now e­very hand conspired to free his under­jaw from the sharp teeth of the enraged-Monster. But the Lady, whose heart melted at the piteous Spectacle, was so zealous in this office of Humanity, that the Cat-a-mountain, provok'd at her good-natur'd diligence, leap'd furiously on her, and wounded three of her hands and her two noses, to such a barbarous degree that she was not fit to be shown publickly for the space of three weeks. The generous Lover, more wounded at this Spectacle than at all the scratches he had himself receiv'd, charg'd the monster again with the utmost Intre­pidity, and rescued his mangled Mistress. [Page 121] Then (having taken her by the hand, and given it a gentle grasp) he retreated with his eye fixed upon her, and just as he left the room (in a low and ten­der Accent) thus breath'd forth his Soul. Behold, all this have I suffered for you.

Such, and so modest was the first Declaration of Love, made on this e­minent occasion by our youthful Philo­sopher. Nor was it ungently receiv'd by the simple and innocent Lindamira; who hitherto unus'd to the soft Protes­tations of adoring Slaves, had rather been wonder'd at than belov'd; and re­ceiv'd but imperfect notions of that ten­der language, from the Addresses only of the black Prince or the Dwarf.

Martin, notwithstanding this unfor­tunate adventure, still pursued his wishes. His Letters were now no more intercepted. Lindamira read them, and behav'd like other courte­ous dames when they receive those a­morous Testimonials; conceal'd them from her Guardian, and return'd the most engaging answers. In short, she [Page 122] was so far captivated, as to resolve no longer to be gaz'd at like a publick Beauty in her own Assembly; but re­tire from the world, and become the virtuous Mistress of a Family.

But Fate had so ordain'd, that Mar­tin was not more enamoured on Lin­damira, than Indamora was on Martin. She, jealous that her Sister had the greatest share in this conquest, resented that an equal application had not been made to herself. She teiz'd Lindami­ra to such a degree on this subject, as made her promise to see Martin no more. But then again might Indamo­ra be deem'd the unhappiest of Women, whom her Passion and Imprudence had robb'd of the sight of her Lover. Yet shame caused her to conceal those anxi­eties from her Sister. And let the Rea­der judge how unhappy the Nymph must be, who was even depriv'd the universal Relief of a Soliloquy. How­ever, thus she thought, without being allow'd to tell it to any Grove or pur­ling Stream.

[Page 123] Wretched Indamora! if Lindamira must never more see Martin, Martin shall never again bless the eyes of In­damora: Yet why do I say wretched? since my Rival can never possess my Lover without me. The pangs that others feel in Absence, from the thought of those Joys that bless their Rivals, can never sting thy bosom; nor can they mortify thee by making thee a Witness, without giving thee at the same time a share of their Endear­ments. Change then thy proceeding, Indamora; thy Jealousy must act a new and unheard-of part, and promote the interest of thy Rival, as the only way to the enjoyment of thy Lover.

From that moment she studied by all methods to advance her Sister's Amour, and in that her own. And thus there appeared in these three Lovers as ex­traordinary a Conjunction of Passions as of Persons: Love had reconcil'd himself to his mortal foes, to Philoso­phy in Martin, and to Jealousy in Inda­mora.

[Page 124] And now flourish'd the Amour of Martin; Success even prevented his wishes; the Marriage was agreed on, and the day appointed. Sunday was the time when Mr. Randal's Absence favour'd their hopes, who never on that day, omitted taking the fresh air in the fields: The key of the door he always took with him. Crambe was ready laid at a convenient distance, who ac­commodated them with a ladder of ropes. The ladder was thrown up, and the Signal given at the window. Lin­damira hasten'd to the Alarm of Love, when behold a new Disaster! As she was getting out of the window, the weight of her body on one side, and that of Indamora's on the other, un­luckily caused them to stick in the mid­way: Lindamira hung with her coats stript up to the navel without, and In­damora in no less immodest posture within. The Manteger, who for his gentleness was allowed to walk at large in the house, was so heighten'd at this sight, that he rush'd upon Indamora like a barborous Ravisher. Indamora [Page 125] cry'd aloud for help. Martin flew to revenge this insolent attempt, of a Rape on his wedding-day. The lustful Mon­ster, driv'n from our double Lucrece, fled into the middle of the room, pur­sued by the valorous and indignant Martin. Three times the hot Mante­ger, frighted at the furious menaces of his Antagonist, made a circle round the chamber, and three times the swift-footed Martin pursued him. He caught up the Horn of a Unicorn, which lay ready for the entertainment of the cu­rious spectator, and brandishing it over his head in airy circles, hurl'd it against the hairy son of Hanniman; who wrinkling his brown forehead, and gnashing his teeth in indignation, stoop'd low: The horny Lance just raz'd his left shoulder, and stuck into the tapestry hangings. Provok'd at this the grinning Offspring of Hanniman caught up the pointed Horn of an An­telope, and aim'd a blow against his un­dismay'd Adversary. Our heroic Lo­ver, who held his hat before him like a shield, receiv'd the weapon full on [Page 126] the Crown; it pierc'd the beaver, and gave a small rent to his breeches. Then the human Champion flung with mighty violence the hinder foot of an Elk, which hit the bestial Combatant full on the nether jaw. He reel'd, but soon recovering, and his skill in war lying rather in the close fight than in projectile weapons, he endeavour'd to close with him: Forthwith assailing him behind unawares, he clamber'd up his back, and pluck'd up by the roots a mighty grasp of hair—but Martin soon dismounted him, and kept him at a distance. Love not only in­spired his breast with Courage, but gave double strength to his sinews; he heav'd up the hand of a prodigious Sea-Mon­ster; which when the chatt'ring Cham­pion beheld, he no less furious, wielded the pond'rous Thigh-bone of a Giant. And now they stood oppos'd to each other, like the dread Captain of the sevenfold Shield and the redoubted Hector. The Thigh-bone miss'd its aim; but the hand of the Sea-Mon­ster descended directly on the head of [Page 127] the Sylvian Ravisher. The Monster chatter'd horribly; he stretch'd his quiv'ring limbs on the floor; and eter­nal sleep lock'd fast his eyelids.

The Lady from the window, like another Helen from the Trojan wall, was witness of the Combat caused by her own beauty. She saw with what gracefulness her Hero enter'd the Lists, admir'd his activity and courage in the combat, and was a joyful witness of his Triumph: She gave a spring from the window, and with open arms and legs embraced the neck and shoulders of her Champion. Our Philosopher receiv'd her with his face turn'd mo­destly from her, and in that manner convey'd her into the street. He call'd a Chair with all haste, but no chairman would take her; which oblig'd him to bear his extraordinary burden till he found a Coach, in which he carried her off, and was happily united to her that very evening, by a Reverend Cler­gyman in the Fleet, in the holy Bands of Matrimony.

BUT Nemesis, who delights in tra­versing the best-laid designs of Cupid, maliciously contrived the means to make these three Lovers unhappy. No sooner had the Master of the Show receiv'd notice of their flight, but he seiz'd on the Bohemian Ladies by a Warrant; and not content with having recover'd the Possession of them, re­solv'd to open all the Sluices of the Law upon Martin. So he instantly went to Council to advise upon all pos­sible methods of revenge.

The first point he proceeded on was the Property of his Monster, and the question propounded was, ¹ ‘" Whe­ther [Page 129] Slaves could marry without the consent of their Master?"’ To this he was answer'd in the Affirmative, but told at the same time, ‘" That ² the Marriage did not exempt them from Servitude."’

This put him in no small hopes of having Martin added to his Show, and acquiring a property in his Bodily issue by the Ladies. But his joy was soon dash'd, when he was inform'd, that since Martin was a Free Man, ³ ‘" The children must follow the con­dition of the Father: or, that in­deed, if they were to follow that of their Mother, the Case would be the same, there being no slavery in Eng­land."’

Then his Counsel judg'd it more ad­viseable to plead for a Dissolution of the Marriage, upon the impossibility of Conjugal dues in the Wife. But then the Canon Law allow'd a Triennal Co­habitation, which entirely ruin'd this [Page 130] Project also. Besides it was evident by the same Law, that ‘" Monstrosity could not incapacitate from Marriage,"’ witness the Case of Hermaphrodites, who are allow'd ‘" Facultatem Conjugii, provided they make Election before the Parish Priest, in what sex they will act, and take an Oath never to perform in the other capacity." ¹’

It was next consulted whether Mar­tin should not be permitted to take a­way his Wife? since upon his so doing ‘" he might be sued for a Rape upon the body of her Sister, there being plainly the four conditions of a ² Rape."’ But then again they consi­der'd, that Martin might answer he claim'd nothing but his own; and if another person had fix'd herself to his Wife, he must not for that cause be debarr'd the use of his Property.

Yet still, upon the same head of Martin's possessing his spouse, a Suit might be devis'd in the name of Lin­damira, [Page 131] on this account; ³ That a ‘" Wife was not oblig'd to live with a Concubine, and such her Sister Inda­mora must be accounted to Martin from the common ⁴ Proofs."’ To this too it was reply'd, that the Law order'd the Wife to reside with the Hus­band if there were sufficient security given to expel the Concubine. So Martin might say he was ready to ac­complish his part of the Covenant, if his wife would perform hers, and con­sent to the ⁵ Incision. But this be­ing an impossibility on the side of the Wife, it could no way be exacted of the Husband.

At length Mr. Randal, being vext at the heart, to have been so long and so quaintly disappointed, determin'd to commence a Suit against Martin for Bigamy and Incest. Mean while he left no Artifice or Address untry'd to [Page 132] perplex the unhappy Philosopher: He even contriv'd with infinite cunning, to alienate Indamora's affections from him; and debauch'd her into an Intrigue with a Creature, of his own, the black Prince; whom he secretly caus'd to marry her, while her Sister was asleep.

Hereupon Martin was reduc'd to turn Plaintiff, and commenc'd a Suit in the Spiritual Court against the black Prince, for Cohabitation with his said wife. He was advis'd to insist upon a new Point, (viz.) ‘" That Lindamira and Indamora together made up but one lawful wife."’

The Monster-master, further to di­stress Martin, forc'd Lindamira to pe­tition for Aliment, lite pendente: which was no sooner allow'd her by the Court, but he oblig'd her to alledge, that ‘" it was not sufficient to maintain both herself and her Sister; and if her Sister perish'd, she could not live with the dead body about her."’

Martin now began to repent that he had not executed a resolution he for­merly conceiv'd, of marrying Crambe [Page 133] to Indamora, as an Expedient to have made all secure. Moreover, it was in­sisted on, that the other also had a right to Aliment, ‘" because if Martin's Wife should prove with child, the said Sister must necessarily perform the Offices of a wife, in contributing to the Nutrition and Gestation of the said child."’ A Jury of Physicians being impannel'd, declar'd, that as to Nutrition they were doubtful, whether any blood of Lindamira circulated through Indamora: But as to Gestati­on, it was evidently true. And upon this, Martin was order'd to allow Ali­ment to both, the Black Prince appear­ing insolvent.

Then the Court proceeded to the Trial. And as both the Cause and the Pleadings are of an extraordinary Nature, we think sit here to insert them at length.

Dr. Penny-feather thus pleaded for Martinus Scriblerus the Plaintiff.

Dr. Penny-feather having thus end­ed his Pleading, was thus answer'd by

The Jury of Matrons having made their Report, and it appearing from thence that the Parts of Generation in Lindamira and Indamora were distinct; the Judge took time to deliberate, and the next Court-Day he spoke to this effect.

This Sentence pleas'd neither Party; and Martin appeal'd from the Consisto­ry to the Court of Arches; but they con­firm'd the Sentence of the Consistory.

It was at last brought before a Com­mission of Delegates; who, having weigh'd the Case, revers'd the Sentence of the inferior Courts, and disannull'd the marriage, upon the following Rea­sons: ‘" That allowing the manner of Cohabitation enjoin'd to be practi­cable, (though highly inconvenient) yet the Jus petendi & reddendi De­bitum conjugale being at all times e­qual [Page 151] in both husbands and both wives, and at the same time impossible in more than one; Two persons could not have a Right to the entire possession of the same thing, at the same time; nor could one so enjoy his property, as to debar another from the use of his, who has an equal right. So much as to the Debitum petendi, and as to the Debitum red­dendi, nemo tenetur ad impossibile."’

Therefore the Lords, with great Wis­dom, dissolv'd both Marriages, as pro­ceeding upon a natural, as well as legal Absurdity.

THIS affair being thus unhappily terminated, and become the whole Talk of the Town; Martinus, unable to support the Affliction, as well as to avoid the many disagreeable Con­sequences, [Page 152] resolv'd to quit the King­dom.

But we must not here neglect to mention, that during the whole Course of this Process, his continual Atten­dance on the Courts in his own Cause, and his invincible Curiosity for all that past in the Causes of others, gave him a wonderful insight into this Branch of Learning, which must be confest to have been so improved by the Moderns, as beyond all comparison to exceed the Ancients. From the day his first Bill was filed, he began to collect Reports; and before his Suit was ended, he had time abundantly sufficient to compile a very considerable Volume. His Anger at his ill success caus'd him to destroy the greatest part of these Reports; and only to preserve such, as discover'd most of the Chicanery and Futility of the practice. These we have some hopes to recover, if they were only mislaid at his Removal; if not, the world will be enough instructed to lament the loss, by the only one now publick, viz. The Case of Stradling and Stiles, in an [Page 153] Action concerning certain black and white Horses.

We cannot wonder that he contrac­ted a violent Aversion to the Law, as is evident from a whole Chapter of his Travels. And perhaps his Disappoint­ment gave him also a Dis-inclination to the Fair Sex, for whom on some oc­casions he does not express all the Re­spect and Admiration possible. This doubtless must be the Reason, that in no part of his Travels we find him be­lov'd by any strange Princess; nor have we the least account that he ever relaps'd into this Passion, except what is mention'd in the Introduction, of the Spanish Lady's Phenomenon.

It was in the year 1699 that Martin set out on his Travels. Thou wilt certainly be very curious to know what they were? It is not yet time to inform thee. But what hints I am at liberty to give, I will.

Thou shalt know then, that in his first Voyage he was carry'd by a pros­perous Storm, to a Discovery of the [Page 154] Remains of the ancient Pygmaean Em­pire.

That in his second, he was as happily shipwreck'd on the Land of the Giants, now the most humane people in the world.

That in his third Voyage, he dis­cover'd a whole Kingdom of Philoso­phers, who govern by the Mathematicks; with whose admirable Schemes and Projects he return'd to benefit his own dear Country, but had the misfortune to find them rejected by the envious Ministers of Queen Anne, and himself sent treacherously away.

And hence it is, that in his fourth Voyage he discovers a Vein of Melan­choly proceeding almost to a Disgust of his Species; but above all, a mortal Detestation to the whole flagitious Race of Ministers, and a final Resolution not to give in any Memorial to the Se­cretary of State, in order to subject the Lands he discover'd to the Crown of Great Britain.

Now if, by these hints, the Reader can help himself to a further discovery [Page 155] of the Nature and Contents of these Travels, he is welcome to as much light as they afford him; I am oblig'd by all the tyes of honour not to speak more openly.

But if any man shall ever see such very extraordinary Voyages, into such very extraordinary Nations, which ma­nifest the most distinguishing marks of a Philosopher, a Politician, and a Legi­slator; and can imagine them to belong to a Surgeon of a Ship, or a Captain of a Merchant-man, let him remain in his Ignorance.

And whoever he be, that shall fur­ther observe, in every page of such a book, that cordial Love of Mankind, that inviolable Regard to Truth, that Passion for his dear Country, and that particular attachment to the excellent Princess Queen Anne; surely that man deserves to be pity'd, if by all those vi­sible Signs and Characters, he cannot distinguish and acknowledge the Great Scriblerus.

AND here it seems but natural, to lament the unfortunate End of the Amour of our Philosopher. But the Historian of these Memoirs on the contrary cries out, ‘" Happy, thrice happy day! which dissolved the Marriage of the great Scriblerus! let it be celebrated in every lan­guage, learned and unlearned! let the Latin, the Greek, the Arabian, the Coptic; let all the Tongues of many­languag'd men, nay of Animals, be employ'd to resound it! since to this we owe such immense discoveries, not only of Oceans, Continents, Is­lands, with all their Inhabitants, minute, gigantick, mortal, and im­mortal; but those yet more enlarged [Page 157] and astonishing Views, of worlds philosophical, physical, moral, intel­ligible, and unintelligible!"’

Here therefore, at this great Period, we end our first Book. And here, O Rea­der, we entreat thee utterly to forget all thou hast hitherto read, and to cast thy eyes only forward, to that bound­less Field the next shall open unto thee; the fruits of which (if thine, or our sins do not prevent) are to spread and mul­tiply over this our work, and over all the face of the Earth.

In the mean time, know what thou owest, and what thou yet may'st owe, to this excellent Person, this Prodigy of our Age; who may well be called The Philosopher of Ultimate Causes, since by a Sagacity peculiar to himself, he hath discover'd Effects in their very Cause; and without the trivial helps of Experi­ments, or Observations, hath been the Inventor of most of the modern Systems and Hypotheses.

He hath enrich'd Mathematicks with many precise and Geometrical Quadratures of the Circle. He first [Page 158] discover'd the Cause of Gravity, and the intestine Motion of Fluids.

To him we owe all the observations on the Parallax of the Pole-Star, and all the new Theories of the Deluge.

He it was, that first taught the right use sometimes of the Fuga Vacui, and sometimes of the Materia Subtilis, in resolving the grand Phaenomena of Na­ture.

He it was, that first found out the Palpability of Colours; and by the de­licacy of his Touch, could distinguish the different Vibrations of the hetero­geneous Rays of Light.

His were the Projects of Perpetuum Mobiles, Flying Engines, and Pacing Saddles; the Method of discovering the Longitude, by Bomb-Vessels, and of in­creasing the Trade-Wind by vast plan­tations of Reeds and Sedges.

I shall mention only a few of his Philosophical and Mathematical Works.

• 1. A compleat Digest of the Laws of Nature, with a Review of those that are obsolete or repealed, and of those [Page 159] that are ready to be renew'd and put in force.
• 2. A Mechanical Explication of the Formation of the Universe, according to the Epicurean Hypothesis.
• 3. An Investigation of the Quantity of real Matter in the Universe, with the proportion of the specifick Gravity of solid Matter to that of fluid.
• 4. Microscopical Observations of the Figure and Bulk of the constituent Parts of all fluids. A Calculation of the proportion in which the Fluids of the earth decrease, and of the period in which they will be totally exhausted.
• 5. A Computation of the Duration of the Sun, and how long it will last before it be burn'd out.
• 6. A Method to apply the Force a­rising from the immense Velocity of Light to mechanical purposes.
• 7. An answer to the question of a curious Gentleman; How long a New Star was lighted up before its appear­ance to the Inhabitants of our earth? To which is subjoin'd a Calculation, how much the Inhabitants of the Moon [Page 160] eat for Supper, considering that they pass a Night equal to fifteen of our natural days.
• 8. A Demonstration of the natural Dominion of the Inhabitants of the Earth over those of the Moon, if ever an intercourse should be open'd be­tween them. With a Proposal of a Partition-Treaty, among the earthly Potentates, in case of such discovery.
• 9. Tide-Tables, for a Comet, that is to approximate towards the Earth.
• 10. The Number of the Inhabitants of London determin'd by the Reports of the Gold-finders, and the Tonnage of their Carriages; with allowance for the extraordinary quantity of the Ingesta and Egesta of the people of England, and a deduction of what is left under dead walls, and dry ditches.

It will from hence be evident, how much all his Studies were directed to the universal Benefit of Mankind. Numerous have been his Projects to this end, of which Two alone will be suf­ficient to show the amazing Grandeur [Page 161] of his Genius. The first was a Propo­sal, by a general contribution of all Princes, to pierce the first crust or Nu­cleus of this our Earth, quite through, to the next concentrical Sphere: The advantage he propos'd from it was, to find the Parallax of the Fixt Stars; but chiefly to refute Sir Isaac Newton's Theory of Gravity, and Mr. Halley's of the Variations. The second was, to build Two Poles to the Meridian, with immense Light-houses on the top of them; to supply the defect of Nature, and to make the Longitude as easy to be calculated as the Latitude. Both these he could not but think very prac­ticable, by the Power of all the Poten­tates of the World.

May we presume after these to men­tion, how he descended from the su­blime to the beneficial parts of Know­ledge, and particularly his extraordinary practice of Physick. From the Age; Complexion, or Weight of the person given, he contrived to prescribe at a dis­ [...]ance, as well as at a Patient's bed-side. He taught the way to many mo­dern [Page 162] Physicians, to cure their Patients by Intuition, and to others to cure with­out looking on them at all. He projec­ted a Menstruum to dissolve the Stone, made of Dr. Woodward's Universal Deluge-water. His also was the device to relieve Consumptive or Asthmatick persons by bringing fresh Air out of the Country to Town, by pipes of the nature of the Recipients of Air-pumps: And to introduce the Native air of a man's country into any other in which he should travel, with a seasonable In­tromission of such Steams as were most familiar to him; to the inexpressible comfort of many Scotsmen, Laplan­ders, and white Bears.

In Physiognomy, his penetration is such, that from the Picture only of any person, he can write his Life; and from the features of the Parents, draw the Portrait of any Child that is to be born.

Nor hath he been so enrapt in these Studies, as to neglect the Polite Arts of Painting, Architecture, Musick, Poetry, &c. It was he that gave the [Page 163] first hint to our modern Painters, to improve the Likeness of their Portraits by the use of such Colours as would faithfully and constantly accompany the Life, not only in its present state, but in all its alterations, decays, age, and death itself.

In Architecture, he builds not with so much regard to present symmetry or conveniency, as with a Thought well worthy a true lover of Antiquity, to wit, the noble effect the Building will have to posterity, when it shall fall and become a Ruin.

As to Musick, I think Heidegger has not the face to deny that he has been much beholden to his Scores.

In Poetry, he hath appear'd under a hundred different names, of which we may one day give a Catalogue.

In Politicks, his Writings are of a peculiar Cast, for the most part Iro­nical, and the Drift of them often so delicate and refin'd as to be mistaken by the vulgar. He once went so far as to write a Persuasive to people to eat their own Children, which was so [Page 164] little understood as to be taken in ill part. He has often written against Liberty in the name of Freemen and Algernoon Sydney, in vindication of the Measures of Spain under that of Ra­leigh, and in praise of Corruption under those of Cato, and Publicola.

It is true, that at his last departure from England, in the Reign of Queen Anne, apprehending lest any of these might be perverted to the Scandal of the weak, or Encouragement of the flagitious, he cast them all, without mercy, into a Bog-house near St. James's. Some however have been with great diligence recover'd, and fish'd up with a hook and line by the Ministerial Writers, which make at present the great Ornaments of their works.

Whatever he judg'd beneficial to Mankind, he constantly communica­ted (not only during his stay among us, but ever since his absence) by some method or other in which Ostentation had no part. With what incredible Modesty he conceal'd himself, is known [Page 165] to numbers of those to whom he ad­dress'd sometimes Epistles, sometimes Hints, sometimes whole Treatises, Ad­vices to Friends, Projects to First Mi­nisters, Letters to Members of Parlia­ment, Accounts to the Royal Society, and innumerable others.

All these will be vindicated to the true Author, in the Course of these Memoirs. I may venture to say they cannot be unacceptable to any, but to those, who will appear too much con­cern'd as Plagiaries, to be admitted as Judges. Wherefore we warn the pub­lick, to take particular notice of all such as manifest any indecent Passion at the appearance of this Work, as Per­sons most certainly involved in the Guilt.