Sir HUDIBRAS TO THE VINTNERS: A SATYR on their Adulterated Dear WINES.
—Scelus est jugulare Falernum,
Et dare Campano Toxica saeva Mero.
Martial.
FOr sharpest Vinegar and bitterest Gall,
The abused and incensed Muses Call;
For Wines have lost their vertue and their force,
The Wits must seek some purer limpid source;
Bacchus hath Deity and Altars lost,
Nor will his Worship quit the high-priz'd Cost;
The adult'rous mixture with the noble Grape,
Like the base issue of a Mongril Rape
Doth quite degenerate from the genuine rase,
And the high blood in that rich juice debase.
No more shall Poets their Parnassian Fount,
And chrystal Springs that bless that sacred Mount
Divinest Nectar and Ambrosian Drink
In high flown fancies humble to this Sink
And Common-shore of Liquors, which we Sup
With foul Ingredients in every Cup.
Thus Sack which was the universal Cure,
Nothing so Sov'rain, so safe, and sure;
Is now become the Epidemick Ill,
The Common ruine, which all sorts doth kill.
Pandora's Box was with lesse mischief fraught,
Then we have in a Vintner's Bottle brought;
In which there doth such lime and sulphur dwell,
That it's a Wonder how this Mortar Shell
Breaks not to pieces, nor with noyse and wounds,
Instead of Burning Feavers men confounds.
And sure the Glasse, that's to this use design'd
Is with more Art and Roguery calcin'd;
Nor is with Sense Antipathetick blest,
As rather then endure the poysonous test,
To burst in sunder, giving us to see
The one's Malignance, that's Philanthrope.
And a new sort of Pestilence now raigns,
And principally doth infect the Brains.
Hence come the quarrells and the private Jars,
In imitation of the Belgick Wars
Wherein the Soldier to the Battel runs
Fir'd by that Powder, which do's load the Guns.
So our late frequent Duels do imply,
That in our Sack Contagion doth lye;
Which like infected Aire ill vapours takes,
And them a Compound of destruction makes,
To so great danger, that there needs be put
Have mercy Lord o'th' Bung of every But.
Nor have we fared better since our Wines,
Were rated to maintain rebellious Times:
That what our Luxury could not advance,
Disloyalty and Treason might enhance;
When Parallel to the Cheats upon the State,
The Vintners first 'gan to Sophisticate;
And noyse of Cannon like to Thunder cracks,
That sower the Ale, did sweeten all our Sacks;
This was th' effect of the Dutch Devil Excise,
That rais'd the Wines from their first modest price,
And made the Vintners study and contrive
A means to pay this Gabel, and yet thrive;
And therefore whence the mischief first was brought,
Thence Remedy worse then Disease was sought:
Stums and Molossus, and like brewing trash,
And all their deadly Arts of Balderdash
Were practized, and yet our wanton purse
Must dearer pay for what growes worse and worse;
Wretchedly mad, like Hatchet after Helve,
From 6 w' have been strappado'd up to Twelve.
Nor will this serve; but if a neater peece,
Such as adored by old Rome and Greece,
Whose secret power aw'd their impious Art,
Be set for sacrificing draughts apart:
Then to fill up the measure of their Sin,
The Pot's not fill'd up to the neck o'th' Brim;
Which Hocus Drawer with a nimble passe,
Doth indiscovered turn into the Glasse;
So where in quality they don't offend,
The less'ned quantum shall their losse amend.
Here I could mention Bottles of a Quart,
VVhich of a due half pint are often short:
But not to urge that more Gentile deceit,
Look to a monstrous and a popular cheat;
Pots girdled in the middle with a ring
As a new Ornament, these Whipsters bring,
Which having pass'd the Seal at top, who'd think,
Or would suspect false measure in the Drink?
But common lewdest Strumpets we see dare
Avouch they honest 'bove the Girdle are.
But who shall view their bottoms, and compare
This is a new but common cheat as hath bin experimenÂted in several Taverns and Companies.
This Artifice with other Peuterers ware,Shall find them saw'd and soddered anew,
And a big Glass ful wanting of the due.
Their other private frauds I must omit,
And leave them to a vexed fresher Wit.
FINIS.
LONDON, Printed for R. L. 1663.