THE Coffee Scuffle, Occasioned by a CONTEST Between a Learned Knight, AND A Pitifull Pedagogue. WITH The Character of a COFFEE-HOUSE.
LODON, Printed and are to be sold at the Latine Coffee House near the Stocks. 1662.
THE Coffee Scuffle.
[1]
OF Gyants and Knights, and their terrible Fights
We have stories enough in Romances,
Of
Hercule's Beam, and one ey'd
Polipheme,
With
Don Quixot's attempts and mischances:
[2]
But Il' tell you a tale, worth a Noggin of Ale
Of a Combate was lately begun
Between a brave Knight, and a pitiful Wight
That out of th' Arena did run.
[3]
I was t'other day, in a place as they say
Where Doctors and Schollars assemble:
Where the folk do speak, nought but Latin & Greek
O'twould make a poor Vicar to tremble!
[4]
For hither resort, a throng of each sort,
Some clad in blew-aprons, some sattin;
And each Prentice-boy, and brave Hobedehoi
Doth call for his Coffee in Latine.
[5]
But did you but hear, their Latin I fear,
You'd laugh till you'd burst your brechees;
To see with what state, they break Prissians pate
And yet do but scratch where it itches.
[6]
One talks, I suppose, of
Ovid's great Nose,
With a Bridge as broad as Biliad;
A third breaks his tooth, with cracking forsooth
a nutshel to get out an Iliad.
[7]
One stands on his head, so Statesmen are said
To kick their heels up in the Air
Another Ile be swore, doth crawle on all four,
And lick up the dust with great care.
[8]
The former man he, cries up Philosophy
Admireth brave
Euclid, Discartis;
The one he crumps roots, and the other he moots,
And he's a good Lawyer, a fart he'is.
[9]
The one talks of News, the other of Stews,
And a third of pick-pockets and Bears,
A fourth doth always curse Masques, Balls and Plays
Great
Belzebubs markets he swears.
[10]
One loves Mathematicks, the other Fanaticks
Store of
Mercuries here to be found;
A third's for a Lecture, a fourth a Conjecture,
A fift for a penny in the pound.
[11]
One Quack doth pretend to foretell the last end,
Of Antichrist even to an hour;
And dares to prefix the year sixty six
As the period of the Beasts power.
[12]
The one is for canting the other for ranting,
With laughing indangers his crupper;
A fourth's for a Fast, eight hours to last
But with a good Breakfast and Supper.
[13]
The one bids apox, upon
Beza and
Knox
And the rest of that damnable Crew,
Crys up
Blundel and
Grotius, Arminius and
Vossius
As the Doctors that only speak true.
[14]
Another's for
Lockier, sweet
Powel and
Knocker,
Brother
Jesse and honey mouth'd
Brook,
Who's a license of late, to break Prissians pate
And say that his Printer mistook.
[15]
Some are for
Taylor, and some are for
Naylor
And others do cry up the Whipper;
A third is for
Kiffin, a fourth is for
Giffin,
And a fifth for
Paul Hobs the Dipper.
[16]
One's for a
Teazar, anothers for
Keyser,
A third doth his
Gildas adore,
The Countesses Usher, and
Babylons pusher
That can't pay his debts he's so poor.
[17]
Which was the viler,
Jack Straw or
Wat Tyles,
Or the mad Fifth-monarchy vermine?
Whether
Harringtons Rota or
Boyls Vertuosa
Be the nobler design they determine?
[18]
Other sit and tell tales, of Wakes and Wisson Ales,
and the Whore of
Romes bauble the Maypole,
The rest vent their whimseys, concerning the Chimneys,
upon which the Parliament lay tole.
[19]
And others I find do discourse of the Wind,
And how the Trees kickt up their heels:
How Christ Church at
Norwich, the Busses at
Harwich
was blown down, and turn'd up their keels.
[20]
How the Countryman smil'd to see's Cock-loft until'd
and the Sun peep thorough the rafters,
And how't blew the rug, from off
Robin and
Jug,
and turn'd to pseturvey the Wafters.
[21]
The one swaggers and swears, against Altars and prayers
And blesseth the Convocation;
Saith 'tis a bad wirk, to make costive the Kirk,
Conformitie's no Reformation.
[22]
There are many that fear, the plague will be here
Before the fourth next month is over.
Another says may this choke me, if
Corbet and
Okey
And
Barkstead an't landed at
Dover.
[23]
The one see's an Asse within a fine glass,
And smickers and grins at the same;
And wonders I swear which way he came there,
Into that fine Ebony frame.
[24]
The other talks louder, for Sr.
Kenelms powder;
more sovereign than that of Steel,
Makes use of the fiction of pitifull
Ixion,
And alwaies is turning the wheel.
[25]
The one he doth smoke, and the other good foke,
Say Tobacco's a stinking vapour;
Another can dandle, a Theife in a Candle,
But crucifie
Christ in a Taper.
[27]
And thus are they all, both great, wise and small'
Ingag'd in such tattle if not worse:
And evr'y one doth speak, like the members of
Feak,
or the Gossips that follow a Course.
[28]
The Hoast on my Soul's an ingenious Pole,
Like
John in the Wildernesse di'ght,
The man is so pirt, and his loynes are begirt,
And the Locusts swarm there every night.
[29]
Good Coffee he draws, and shirbets because,
They'r pleasant, and sweet Chockalet,
The former doth spe'd all fumes from the head,
And the last makes the
P— to curvet.
[30]
No sack is here drunk, her's no Baud, Whore or Punk
But pimping fanaticks good store:
The Stocks are too neer, for good Ale, and strong Beer
And the Counter to keepe'r a Whore.
[31]
Here come loyal Souls, and fanaticall Fools,
The sons both of God and the Devil:
Where Loyalists brew, there fanaticks bake too,
And the good will be mixt with the evil.
[35]
Yet none of them dare speak Latine I swear,
But a Quack, the more is the wonder:
And a dull
Pedagog with a snout lik a hogg,
And a face as flat as a Flounder.
[36]
He whips his boyes Asses and tickles their Tasses,
Sees which is a man which a woman:
And the poor Schollars nock, is his Dyal and Clock;
But his own pocky nose is the
Gnomon.
[37]
He sits like a King, a Tyrannical thing,
His Desk is his Chair and his Throne:
His Scepters a rod, and his globe is a clod,
And an old
Oxford Custard his Crown.
[38]
Verses and Theams, the petitions it seems,
which the Shcollars do bring, and he teares:
And whether he doth break, I cannot well speak,
Poor prissians pate oftner or Theirs.
[39]
The Welsh man Cot tam her, doth Kenn not the
Desires
Ap Williams direction,
Grammar:
His mony he earns, but the first thing her learns,
I dare say is an
Interjection.
[40]
But if so be some of his Schollars are com'e,
To that part, which is called
Syntaxe;
The
Concords do reach to the Rod and the Breech,
And
figura is read on their backs.
[41]
He ha's a forehead of brass, and eares like an Ass
And he uses the Welshmans houlter:
His nose and his snout, jet forth like a spout,
Or if you please like a Plow Coulter.
[42]
His breath's muckle strong, and his eye brows are long,
Yet hath never a hair on his chin:
His wide mouth hath swallow'd his cheeks that are hollow'd
And his bones do crump in his skin.
[43]
His eyes are as little as those of a Beetle,
But O when he fettles to speak:
I dare say you may welly, look into his belly,
Another devils arse a peeke.
[44]
His breath would even fill, a sail drive a mil,
His Countenance hollow and meager;
Yet his buttocks below, very liking do show,
And his stomach is coming and eager.
[45]
His face doth look Callous, like one dropt from the Gallows,
Or some of your Newgate Cattel,
But when he speaks plumbs, fill his wizzin and gums
I'd as live hear my Grannums breach twattle.
[46]
The man would be kickt, that should think him a pickt:
For all his thin jaws and course grain,
Since the Carrets I trow that do on his head grow,
Do rather declare him a Dane.
[47]
He hath never a beard, and wel't may be fear'd,
That the Gentleman wants a Bobin,
Let me be asperst if hee's not hoperarc't,
Like Aniseed water
Robin.
[48]
He's a Batchelor, as some do aver,
And solitarily doth live:
He's too nee'r on my life, to marry a wife,
Too gluttoning chastly to live.
[49]
Whither's hand, or his foot, his glove or his boot
Are the bigest I cannot well tell:
Or which of the two make the greatest adoe,
I ken not the dog or his bell.
[50]
Should
Egypt I say, thy face but survey,
Thy ugliness they would adore:
And think thee some odde, old
Memphian god,
Found lately cast upon the shoar.
[51]
Let
Africa see her Monsters in thee,
The
Crocked'ile, Pardus, and
Iaccall:
A kennel of those, doth thy person disclose,
More deformed then those that are black all.
[52]
Sure the Curtaines were rung, with monsters were hung,
Or thy Father and Mother were Meager;
So
Dames heretofore, by phancying a
More,
Have been brought to bed of a
Neager.
[53]
He's a
Socinian in some mens opinion,
Denyes the divinity of our Saviour:
But I am sure He, hath no humanity,
If I understand but behaviour.
[54]
One night above others he met his gude Brothers,
And down to the Table he sits:
Falls a talking of Latine, like ruffling of Satine,
Excepting his hums, and his hits.
[55]
It chanced that night, that a Learned Knight,
The glory and shame of the Citty,
Came into the Room as he used to come,
A person both serious and witty.
[56]
Rome never did know, nor
Athens I trow,
One speak pvrer Latine and Greek,
If
Tully were here, or
Demosthenes neer,
They could not more fluently speak.
[57]
That Schollars are Clowns, and slovings in Gowns
My Grannum I oft have heard say;
Call 'em blunt tooles, and dogmaticall fooles,
Good only to preach and to pray.
[58]
But Sir I is a Shollar, Il wage you a doller,
A Gentleman both born and bred:
Bloud, vertue, or either, no buskin or feather,
Have made him to be so I ded.
[59]
Tapsters and Groomes, and men that sell broomes,
Did see his accomplishments thorough,
And had not the spie been blind with one eye,
He had been
Burgess for the Burrough.
[60]
Yet nevertheless none but will confess,
Sir
I's of a generous temper:
Who know's how to obey, can rule I dare say,
Subjectio'ns the way to an Empire.
[61]
The Knight, of no worse did begin to discourse,
then of books and of Tongues and of arts:
But first in the way he a Query did lay,
And after his judgment imparts.
[62]
His Queries were not such as
Harrington wrote,
That deserved a frown and a search:
Nor were they indeed such as Captain
Mead,
Did make at
St. Alhallows Church.
[63]
The query was this, what the reason is,
That
Holland, a thick and gross aire,
Should breed as good wits, if not better by hits,
Than
England a Region more fair:
[64]
He instanc'd in
Vossius, Erasmus, and
Grotius,
In
Heinsius and
Schurman the wonder:
Spanhemius, Barleus, Vanhelmout, Walleus,
Whose fame hath resounded like Thunder.
[65]
But
Grotius alone, is sufficiently known,
Great Master of Tongues, and of Arts;
Whom Papists deplore, Protestants adore,
For his profound learning and parts.
[66]
Grotius, whose Name, on the wings of fame,
Hath been carried where
Grotius is dumb:
The talk of these dayes the wonder and maze,
Of all generations to come.
[67]
Athens and
Syracuse, Smarta, and famous
Greece,
Jerusalem live in his story:
And he that shall read his Latine indeed,
Will swear he sees
Rome in his glory.
[68]
His Poems do prove how the
Muses did love,
The babe, when it lay in its Cradle;
How they hung like fond bees, on his lips and his knees
As Historians of
Plato do fable.
[69]
Before ever (we know) that
Grotius could goe,
Or the least of a man could discover:
His fancie and wit on
Poeticall feet,
Had travel'd the Vniverse over.
[70]
Princes and great ones, owe their Scepters and Crownes,
To him for his learned defence,
Of their honour, and power, the Buckler and Tower
Of
Monarchy, Allegiance.
[71]
Who see's not his learning hath little discerning,
Bu't as blind as an Owle or a Widgon;
Dull
Atheist for why, who his worth doth deny,
Must also the Truth of Religion.
[72]
But least I should stain, should wound or prophane,
So precious and sacred a thing,
As
Grotius, his name, by blending the same,
With such trifles as these that I bring.
[73]
Ile leave him to rest after stormes at the best,
Good marble lie light on his head:
Holland brags of his birth, and
France of his earth,
And the World of his bookes it is said.
[75]
But the shade dogs the Sun, and the dog bates the
Moon
No vertue without its disgraces:
Though such stories and flams, are but foiles unto Gems,
Or black patches to beautiful faces.
[76]
The
Thredbeare pedant, gan to strut and to vaunt,
Cals
Grotius, a Gobernole Preist;
A rotten
Arminian, and wicked
Socinian,
And the short pushing Horne of the Beast.
[77]
Base vile Runegado, franciscan Bravado,
Idolater, Cavaleer, what not:
Apostate, bad liver, and reprobate silver,
And the stripling his Second a hot shot.
[78]
His Discourses are weak, and his Arguments eke,
But his Tenents and principles Hideous,
His Lattine withal and his eloquence small,
But his pride and ambition prodigious.
[79]
Nor doth he admire
Hugo or the Squire,
But rather demires them both:
Gramercy good Joke, tis a quible is spoke,
And the man is a wit by my troth.
[80]
But such was the sting of the zealous thing,
That he called as many bad names,
As the Papists did
Parry, the monk did Old
Harry,
And the boatswain the
Billings-gate dames.
[81]
Sir I doth ingage, 'thought passion or rage,
To vindicate
Grotius his fame;
But as for him
[...]elf let the whippiting elfe,
Talk himself out of breath a Gods name.
[82]
Tis beneath a great Soul, to regard what a fool
His person or learning shall stile,
From a Hector or Drab, 'twould call for a stab
From a Gentleman only a smile.
[83]
A smile sometime will, as fatally kill as a Poniard, a Sword or a Dagger,
Not to mind or regard, an affront's a reward
Sufficient to make a fool swagger.
[84]
His blood was too thin, and his person too mean to merit revenge from Sir
J.
His boys shall chastise, his base contumelies;
what Eagle will cope with a Flye?
[85]
Let the dogs bough-wough soon, our Knight like the Moon shall move in his orbe and his sphear,
His fame shall be hurl'd, thorough the
Brittish world and his light maugre clouds shall appear.
[86]
Sharpe tongues, blubber lips, no more can eclipse his worth then a punctum of earth,
Then a cloud or a shade, can skreen and invade the Sun in his glory and mirth.
[87]
Let
E. and his train go learn
Cato again, and then let 'em come and discourse;
Though the Coffee-house can't of much complement vant yet its dialect is not so course.
[88]
But who would have thought, that a business of should occasion such words with a p— nought
When 'twas only I trow, which should uppermost go
An English tale or Butterbox.
[89]
Sir
J. God forbid, he did no way recede from Nature, from Honor or Reason:
Nor did he forswear his own Climate and air,
which would amount almost to treason.
[90]
He acknowledged then, that no learneder men have ever been bred on the main,
Then have flourisht some while in this troublesom Isle and may so for all this again.
[91]
Yet 'tis justice say you, to give all men their due,
Hugo Grotius wrote rarely well,
And what we can't reach to condemn and impeach is the pride of the Angels that fell.
[92]
Then let pitiful
E crouch down on his knee, and to the Knight pardon implore:
His boys you may swear, with many a tear for lesser mistakes have done more.
[93]
So thus together they came, like two Cocks of the game,
But what was the issue say you sirs?
E. had the best beak, if I may so speak,
But Sir
J. had the sharper Spurs.
FINIS.