CHEYNEL is Bedlam seven stories high, or Sir Thomas his gowty leg wire-drawn: His head is shot up, as if it would only converse with the Prince oth'aire, and what we mistake for the man ith'moon is but a peece of him. Hee's an Index expurgatorius in the largest folio, or was intended for hoopes for the tun at Heidelberg; you may take him for the 119 Psalm, lasting the execution of a whol Universitie, or the Pinacle from which the Devill would break the neck of it. 'Tis a sufficient argument of Cromwells death to see this May-pole set up in Oxford. Dido, with his hide, might have had ground enough for her Carthage without slicing it into leashes. Hee's a monopoly of Steeples, and as often as he sounds, the bell goes out for some deceas't Scholar. Babels are erected for confusion.

His red Nose is pearch't like a Beacon flaming on a mountain; Nature when she forged it, forgot to quench it: Web surrendred to it for a flag of defiance; Inkersell for a red Lattice, and only submitted to an Ale-house. The Scarlet-whore of Babylon spawn'd it with her menstruous profluviums. 'Twas painted with the blood of a witch when shee morgag'd her selfe. The single sight of it made Sedgewick dream of doomes-day and the second destruction of the world by fire. Such vessels are broach't when Villanes ratifie their Conspiracies in Sacraments of Blood. If there bee such an Aetna such a Purgatory aloofe, what's the De­mogorgon the Hell ith' Center?

The spirits which ascend from so hot a Limbeck have conver­ted his braines to Sulphur, and made him nothing but an unruly Squib: Hee's as prodigiously furious, as if he had been bolted out oth' Monks pot when he invented gunpowder, or his mother limed by the Devill shot from a Canon. He was begot ith' Dog­dayes, or at Michaelmas when his Dam went to Rut. The He­cuba when she conceiv'd this Paris dream't of wild-fire: His Nurse was a bleare ey'd Hound, Run-wood, and his native soyle th' Antipodes to Anticyra. His Syre engendred him in an Itch beyond the cure oth' brimstone which ruin'd Sodom. You may take him for a Spanish-Jennet, begot by a whirlewind or a tem­pest raised by a Conjurer, or all Aeolus bag'd up and sold by a Lap­lander [Page 2]for shipwracks; he ruminates on nothing but his Salisbu­ry Chaines, and his breaking loose from 'em, and therefore 'tis his continuall businesse either to imprison or expell. Yet Mahomets disease must be a divine rapture; in his paralytick fit, he conver­ses with his Gabriell. Shuffle him with the rest oth' visitors, and hee comes forth like mad Orestes switchd on by furies to kill his mother the Ʋniversity. Brutish Ajax because hee's a beast him­selfe wallowes i'th gore of his fellow Greekes and thinkes 'em swine. The Caniball swears Mumie's Bacon: he differs from an ordinary Tom of Bedlam, as a wild Wolfe from a tame one, or Rome on fire from Neroes Fiddle. Sure hee's don quicksotted, takes the Colledge for an inchanted Castle, the fellowes for Gi­ants Web, Inkersell, and Lownds, for three distressed damsells. Hee sweepes the house cleane that his Fairy tennants may dance to him with mony, his phrensy flames higher because 'tis sprinkled with a little reason, as woemen paint themselves into wrincles and uglinesse. His blood rides the round post, or dances the Morrice through him, and so makes him giddy. His skull is a meer nest of hornets, which sting into him their own waspishnesse. This makes the mad bandog snap at all hee meets. This new Judge (without the Kings writ) is the prime Bencher at con­demnation but usually removed at the execution, and kills with his weekely bill as secretly as the Plague: Still like a mad dog which (they say) never barkes. Hee wounds at farther distance than the starres influence can blesse: this long boared murdering peece will carry destruction point blank from Petworth to Ox­ford. Cheynell in a University out rifles Cromwell in an Abby. The Divill is busiest ith' Church. Pickhatch nere was visited; Turne-Bull-Streete needs no reformation.

Cheynell among the visitors, is a mountebanke extroardinary with 4 zanyes, or blustring Aeolus with his Cardinall winds. This purger is the only scammony; the rest somewhat milder simples, Rhubarbe and Sena, one indeed is all hony and manna dropt from heaven, but kept till 'tis mouldy and stinkes. This Sugar-Cane, this Posset, and Cawdle visitor; with his marmu­lade quagmire, his blather'd puffe-past, liquorish Kate Subs the second, are the Universities tooth drawers, and will leave no more Schollars then themselves have gummes. These Figs and Almonds rot the Universitie, while Cheynell like aqua fortis cor­rodes it. And yet that Cormorant can bee dainty too: Doctors [Page 3]and Seniors are too tough for continuall cramming, he must have Bat­chellers of art and Rabets, under-graduats and Chickens; master com­moners and Phesants. Domitian gorg'd with men, wantons with flies afterwards. He runs himselfe off his legs the first daies journey, and like a Brewer tuns once a weeke. Though he rides post yet he must have his stages: the dismallest Tragedy is cantell'd into Acts, sure he hath got the mathematicall trick to make so many Turkes, and then by his hocus pocus Arithmetick, juggle them over board; yet the visitors like their harbinger the last new disease, murder the best. Among Moores blacks are the only beauties: Cheynell good Church-man (like Alters) protects the guilty only; hee thinkes others breath corrupted when 'tis but the re­flected rancour of his own; like Senecaes wifes foole, struck with a sod­daine blindnesse, imputed it to the darkenesse of the roome: You would scarce believe he should have any Proselites but that some have wor­shipt Cacodemons; and Asses yet kneele to Mahomet: Durt will submit to bee trampled on; good ingenious soules confesse themselves suffici­ently vicious & are thought worthy heaven because they boast no merit. But Cheynell admits them as Politicians do Jewes to use their villanies, or Romulus his Asylum Courtiers to Lord over them; else why should the Muscovite worship painted images and reject carv'd ones? why should my Lady expose her child and nurse her dog, bee divorc't from her Lord, and wanton with her Catamite Monkey? But alas a slip may breake a sober mans neck, while drunkards tumble and have no hurt. A privy-councellor is scarce secure in his dreame: My Lord of Pem­brooke and Archy can never speake Treason. Ugly cubs are most lick't, and the Changling's still the dilling: In Martyrdomes the best must to the stake; and who so fit to bee Pilgrims as the holy? if their bee any left in the hive it will be the drones; Cheynells thirst draines the liquour, the lees would choake him. Thus of Theophrastus characters, the vices only survive, the vertues are expelld the world.

Cheynell and Doctor Baily differ as the Colledge good and bad jeni­ous, as a wisard and a prophet, or the dipt horse in Cornewall and a Christian. Hee succeeds the Doctor as Caligula's horse did the deceased Senatour, or as the Apocrypha doth the old Testament, and Tobie and his dog, Moses and Aaron; thus Innocents day pursues Christmas, a damnd massacre at the heeles of a blest nativity; nor can Herod perse­cute innocence without murthering St. John's, every meale hee carves the President, at every course the Baptists head is dish't for him, and yet (unlesse the Merchant-taylors prove almoners) perhaps hee may bee de­vourd by his Colledgiate vermine.

Saint Johns lookes like Scevaes sheild, so many expel'd peeces so many wounds 'tis reformd into it's primitive purity and turnd into the Bap­tists desart: The whole University resembles Greece over-run by Turkes, or Italy Goth'd and Vandald, it lookes like the world purged by a deluge, and destruction. Delos is turnd errant at Apolloes death, as it was at his birth. Colledges are converted into Hospitalls, lodges for diseases, scall'd heads and crutches, 'tis the only expulsive crime heere to bee wholesome.

For how should Cheynell be a reformer, unlesse as an Atheist makes a Pope pious? as winter brings the Halcyon, or dead beere makes Aqua vitae: Hee is a strainer, retaines all the dreggs, and clarifies the University as milke and whites of eggs doth Ippocras; thus sinkes, and common shoares are the best scavengers, durt is somtimes a good fuller, and filthy Soap the only Lawndresse, miraculous Cheynell! Clay and Spittle shall bee a collyrium for the Kingdomes eye.

Hee hath sullyed the University and will huckster in washing it; the mountebank gives out it is poysoned, that hee may quack in curing it. Thus Oxford, like the house of office at Westminster, is voted to bee re­formed by those who fould it.

But perhaps man must still forfeit paradise for too much knowledge; and Scholars perish (like the old Bishop) for discerning the visitors to be Truth's and the Law's Antipodes. Is the University Pim'd, and ther­fore must change shifts, or are men turnd out (like the Israelites out of Egipt) for being scabby? Because Cheynell itches, must all smart? The Pope excommunicates the King of Spaine on one day, and restores him the next, Cheynell hath his Maundy Thursday, but the good-Friday's Popery. Extremes may concenter, Rolfe and a Jesuite are both Ravi­lacks; Cheynell and Captaine Allen (his blasphemous adversaries second) can covenant in mischifes, as humiliations and thanks-givings conspire to ruine the Kingdome, or Naseby field and the Butchers dog to worry Skippon. But hee would have us mistake a hang-man for an Angell, and kisse his lightning, because it comes from Heaven. Indeede hee goes to Church but (like the Divill) 'tis to tempt: each prayer devours a widdowed Colledge, each bead pistolls a Schollar: hee never preaches but 'tis the Universities funerall Sermon, his doctrines and motives are meere proscriptions, and hee'l murder a whole Colledge with a use of consolation; his reformation hath got him more then the worke of 10 talents got Aristotle, this one word hath cost more then would have purchased the Sibills bookes and Prophet too. Beggers sell their ulcers at the rate of Diamonds; but though hee excommunicates, it must [Page 5]bee still the Pope and his holinesse: 'Tis his faith removes the University, as the publique faith the silver mountaines of Guild-hall, and Xerxes leveld Athos through the worlds credulitie. But this Kennell-raker, this Jaques­farmer is durty only on weeke-dayes. O the Sanctity of a sunday pudding! And yet perhaps the Sabaticall river is no better then prophane Isis. Turks have their Saboth, and not only a monthly fast, but a fast for a moneth. But Cheynell is a double Turke; Captaine Prestor Franck is both Muftie and Aga too.

Thus is Oxford at last reform'd into an Algeers haunted by Pirates, where Janizaries are the only favorites: What to others is an inquisition, is to these a shrift. These are the only converts, because the only sinners: Some are expell'd for just oathes, others are dandled for lowd perjurie; like the Priest that lost his benefice for having a wife, and was retrived when shee was proved his whore. But Cheynell (like Romulus) is the sonne of heaven; when no man will own the brat, a God must father it. Hee's a libell and an ordinance; hath never a Sire, and yet perhaps a hundred: His mother sure hacknied herselfe to one of the guard, or the great porter on a maske night, and so conceiv'd this hipocrite: Had hee kept within his pulpit the lower part of the Minotaure might have skulkt undiscovered, but when hee would bee a bastard president too, a Perkin Warbeck Doctor Baylie (like Alexander, ambitious to bee a God) hee proved himselfe a by-blow.

Cheynell, with his precious Triumvirats Web, Inkersell and Lownds, thinks himself the Emperor with his three spirituall Electors, or the Pope with his triple Crown; Hee lookes like wilde March borrowing three dayes of February. These are forsooth the 3 children (or Plutoes 3 furies) whom no flames can blister. All 3 are oth' progeny of Noah, drunke: Their mo­thers longed for wort, they were borne in a brew-house, and christned in a Stand of Ale. They are only 3 Sponges possest, and submit to the upper and lower houses, as representatives of the Buttery and Seller. Certainly they are entertaind for Gospellers, because they have drunke away their Bibles. I might as well say Inkersell were a Nightingale, because hee hath lost his tongue. Moths and Wormes are acquainted with more Authors, and Parrots are better linguists. Latin's not the language of these Beasts, nor have they any thing of Greece, but drunkennesse and lying. Hebrew to them is Welch, they reele sufficiently of themselves, they need not study to go backward. Their Soules are blankes sufficient to write new mod'led Preachers in. Tiresias could not foresee any thing til he was blind.

Inkersell has one property of a Scholar, Poverty. You would take him for country- Tom broke loose from the Gallowes. If a man bee a Tree in­versed, hee's Beggars-bush. He was borne in Lent at a coursing, and sent [Page 6]into the world with sippets. Hee's sunke below the wardrobe of dunghills, and the use of paper-mills. He must tick with Charon, and have his Epitaph writ in chalk. By his maggot-eaten face, you would swear he had been ray­sed out on's grave with all his worms about him to bait Eele-hookes. You may compare Cheynell to the Chymists aqua Stygia, and him to their ter­ra damnata. Hee'l shortly be a Baptist without a voice, and wheases alrea­dy as if he fed on nothing but Locusts and Grashoppers.

Cheynell and Web looke like Mahomet and his Pigeon, or my Lord of Pembrooke, and Michaell Oldsworth. Had every bird their feathers of him, he would be oth' same callow livery with Inkersell: hee hates all bookes because he is so much ith' mercers; and without a strong antidote will die of gall and Coperas: hee's as much in Ink as Inkersell in chalke, the one is all in mourning, the other is in his winding-sheete: his brother & he drink duells, yet both, like their thirst, are still immortall; though the Sea they have drunke would have made stage enough for the battle of Lepanto: Yet his brother may bee dead drunke at last, hee lookes like Tiffany already; brimstone and hell will have him shortly, 'Tis fit the Souldier should conquer especially in bowsing combats: But our Mars must have his Venus, and his salt Nancy newly duck't lookes like the Sea-born goddesse. Cheynell cannot expell him farther then Bocardo, nor any Colledge so fit for him, as where Cheynell's President, and who but those Goale-birds were ever bribed to christen him so? What basenesse would submit to the scorne of Prisoners? Who would be slave to a penny ballad?

Lownds submitted to Cheynel's Sanguine promontory for feare of a bloody Nose, he may be steered with any rudder: You may hang in a single threed and use him instead of a bobin to weave Bone-lace: This rabbet sucker would submit to a ferret, and is scarce fit to bee a fellow of a Warren: hee would adore a reformer though hee were a Chimny-sweeper, and goe bare to Pidgeon as willingly as to Cheynell: A well grown spider might bee his President, Whittingtons Cat a Lord Mayor over him. Hee cannot go a high lone yet, but is carried on his fatherssleeve like a faulkoners Hawk; hee'll damme himselfe least hee should bee whipt, and bee perjurd because his father hath covenanted, like the fellow who would not bee a Christian because all his friends were gone to hell before him.

O that Lice should bee humane off-springs as well as men! but the hap­piest mothers may have abortions. The Kings Image is sometimes stampt on lead, and natures mint coynes monsters; as this Ostracisme proves the University a true Athens, so some Apastates makes her a Heaven.