THe Mercurius Politicus is the paper Militia, a Diur­nall Offensive and Defensive: The only Pamphlet in pay, and a Libell of the Establishment among the standing Forces of the Common-wealth.

'Tis the Satyre-Generall. Gerbier inverted, or a Lecture concerning the Art of speaking Ill.

'Tis our Printed-Agent, or a domestique Embassadour, that considering the danger of going abroad, chose rather to be Lieger at home, and lie betwixt the State and the Country.

'Tis The Devil's an Asse, the Weekly Comedy acted at White-hall by its Majesties Servant. The Author, that indi­viduall Black-Fryars, like the ancient Pantomimes, sufficing to play all persons: For this is he, who in the Prologue of these times entered first as Britanicus, the scene altering, turn'd into Pragmaticus; and now at last appears in his own clothes, Mercurius Politicus.

So many times has our Mercury been metamorphos'd, that now you may, if you please, call him the Mercurius Trismegistus.

He is a true branch of the Triple Tree: Who ever saw a gleek of Knaves thus shuffled into one Card? 'Tis the right Hocus trick of shifting the three Boxes.

There cannot be a better definition of his book, and him, then that it is the third feather of the politick Shittle-cock.

I wish that it were lawfull for me here to observe the usuall modesty of writing, and that I could consume his Book, with­out touching his Person, as the Lightning that exhausts the Liquor without endamaging the Hogs-head.

But besides that, there ought no quarter to be given to a [Page 2]Writer so often revolted. His book, and he, are so complica­ted, and bound up together, they are so much the same thing, and he takes such a pride in it, that if I could, yet it were too great an inhumanity to part them.

It is his second self in black and white, and they live in a perpetuall transmutation, as convertible as Water into Aire, or as formerly Diurnalls into Rose-powder.

He is therefore of a body so incompos'd, that it looks like the very statue of Pasquin, the Saint of his vocation.

His Face is so ill, as if nature had in it libelled against Man­kinde.

And he wears a Perriwig as if to make some satisfaction for all the Calumnies he is guilty of, he bore his head always in a portable Pillory.

While his Cheek-bones rise as if from within, they would stamp those Letters through with which he deserves to be stigmatiz'd.

But there is a further reason for his Perriwig; a suttle dis­ease having distinguished betwixt him and his haire: The same which suggests to his mouth that continuall impurity. It being impossible that without some venereall cause there should be a Tongue so virulent.

And indeed, this Mercurius Politicus is his third Mercury Pill, by which he has cast himselfe into this high and last sa­livation: That as at first he spet his Venome against the King, and next bespatter'd the Independent, so now he may flux himself upon the Presbyterian.

It is strange that he could not let the Presbyterian alone, and will not allow us so much as a forme of Godlinesse.

But what can we expect from him in whom alone there are more Heresies then among a whole Synod of Divines?

He seemes to be a Salt extracted out of the ashes of what­soever bookes have been burn'd by the hands of the Hang­man.

A day of Humiliation were not sufficient to deplore him, and a Counsell might grow hoarse with Anathemaes against all his Errours.

This is our Puny Mahomet, who intends us no Scripture but this his own Alcoran, of which he gives us an Azoara every week, and imagines too, that by the power of the Sword he can make us believe it.

And according to this Religion he lives. He useth such Oaths and Blasphemies as deserve that his Tongue should be burn'd through with an hot Iron, if any thing can burn that which is set on fire of Hell.

Yet it might be expected that he should loath drinking, seeing mad Dogs doe alwayes abhor the water; but it seems the Comparison doth not hold in stronger Liquors: For he, on the contrary, lives as in the dayes of Pantagruel, and drinks as though it were to quench damnation.

He were a most fit man for a Denmark Embassage, to fox the King unto our conditions; or if he could not that, then to drink up the Sound in his return, and revenge us in an instant.

But this may, however, be tolerated, seeing in Common­wealths, as in Holland, Suizzerland, and the rest, they neces­sarily drink deeper then in Kingdomes, the healths of the A­ristocracy and Militia being farre more numerous then those of a King and his Progeny.

But who, since the Act against Bawdy-houses, hath allow'd him this publique Brothell in his Mouth?

I believe that Signior Riva going interpreter into Spain, left to him the Pimp-lieutenancy; and against all casualties in­sured in his person, the Italian vertues.

And that very Wit in which he so much triumphs, ima­gining that he is the Writing Attila, and God Almighties Whip-cord: what is it but a Ruffian-like, and scurrilous language, in which, after all his indeavours, yet he will never attaine to the perfection of Billings gate.

Has he not bought it at the rate of all these vices, and joyn'd together the gall of Bawds, and Whores, and Sorce­rers to make up his Intelligence? for what he hath not been able to betray, by the society of his owne vices, he inquires here:

And rakes up in these publique dung-hills, the ragges of mens conversation, which he may after make up into his two­penny Mops, or serve himself of for manure against the bar­rennesse of his own wit.

Has he not with this Wit scandalized both Sexes, disob­lig'd three Parties, reproached our whole Nation? and not onely ours, but all others, having declar'd himselfe as the disgrace, so to be the publique enemy of mankind.

This wit hath made him our Lay- Spalatto, a three-pil'd Apostate, a renegade more notorious than any in Sally or Algier.

And yet he could never by it make himself more conside­rable upon any part than a seller of Rats-bane.

Those of the Royall Party discerning him alwayes to be one that exercised his Invention for the King, but his Malice against Him.

And how advantageous soever he pretends his conditions to be with this party, a starved Garrison might have come in upon better termes: For what Articles should they give to that man whom they saw already in their hands, being betray'd by his owne perfideousnesse, and insorced by ne­cessity?

He had the right Articles of Milan, in which the Citizens, to save their lives, submitted to draw Figs with their Teeth out of the Genitalls of the Frederick Barbarossa. Emperiours shee-Mules.

For such is the Office they have imployed him in, wherein they have not so much provided for their owne service, as for his infamy. I will give you the principall Articles of his A­greement.

Did ever Witch make such a Compact? Had he not much better have taken up his old trade of whipping Boyes at a penny a week; or like a Gifted Brother have propagated the Gospell in the dark corners of the Nation?

Or if he must needs be writing, could he not rather have chosen to draw up their provident Acts against Powdring of Hair, or wearing of Paches? As for example.

This had been an imployment fit for a man of his Talent: But alas, I wrong him: he was indeed onely fit for what he has undertaken, that he might have his place among the rest of those Raviliacks of the Pen, to make his Stab at Monar­chy, and serve upon all occasions for one of the Counsell of Conscience to the Common-wealth.

For, though he hath the malice, yet he wants the courage to serve them in any higher mischief. And though our Mer­cury doe wear a Rapier, it is as peaceable as the Caduceus of the other: He doth not wear it in the quality of a Sword, but hath it as other Beasts have their tails to steer him about when he turns from one side to the other.

Or being divided still in himself by Faction and Guilti­nesse, he hath thus fortified his independent left side for fear of the right, which he hath disarmed as a Cavalier.

But it is not at all dangerous, this kind of Serpents having all their sting in the tongue, but none in the taile.

Yet surely it cannot consist with the gravity and sobriety of our State to own in any manner such a fellow, and to en­tertain this Snake with the forked tongue into their bosome.

Nor can they with honour receive such an one into their sanctuary, who flies thither only that he may murther out of their Windowes.

Will they feed up an impoysoner with Napell to kill the young Alexander?

Will they incourage an Assasin to attempt upon all Chri­stian Princes?

But if Common-wealths have a better Art of making Treacle of such Vipers, and ours stand in competition with the State of Venice for the receit: Yet it is not fit that we should lie at the mercy of a Taverne, and the drunkennesse of an Arbitrary Pen.

Must we be subjected to his two Sheets of High Court of Justice? We are content to serve, but it mads us to be re­proach'd, [Page 8]and by such an one as him: for there is no such torment to a Christian, as to be Tyrannized over by a Rene­gade.

We ask but the same liberty that he hath had against us: Let them but abandon him to us as the Camillus to the Fa­lisci. Roman Generall did the Trayterous Schoolmaster to his Pupills, and they shall see how we will order him.

Boccalini, that innocent Moralizer, yet for writing some­what too freely for those that were partiall, was thrown in­to the Canal at Venice, and there drown'd: It is time that we had our State-scold to the Ducking-stool.

It is strange that my Lord President should suffer such a Monster at his Table: who, if he must be maintained, as an Executioner of their Adversaries reputation, and the pub­lique instrument of Infamy; yet it were fit, that like the Hang-man, he should have his Table apart, and eat and live excommunicate.

The lean Canniball has all that while my Lord President in his teeth, and gnawes upon him in his minde, till he have opportunity to devour him.

So insatiable is his appetite of speaking ill, that there is no person so intimate to him, or so deserving; nothing so secret or so religious which he abuseth not to that purpose: So that he is neither to be tolerated in Society, nor Policy; neither in Coversation, nor in a State, but rather as a publique parricide to be thrown into the Sea in a sack, with a Cock, an Ape, and a Serpent, the right emblemes of his politique Triplicity.