A Quack Astrologer is a Gypsy of the upper Form, a Wizard unfledg'd, Doctor Faustus in swadling Clouts; the fag end of a South-sayer, or the Cub of a Conjurer not lick'd into perfection; one that hath heard o'th' Black Art, and his fingers Itch to be dabling in't, but want­ing Courage to meet the Divel at a perso­nal Treaty, chuses to deal with him obliquely, by way of a cheat, rather than by the direct Negotiation of a Familiar: [Page]A three-penny Prophet, that undertakes the telling other folks Fortunes, meerly to supply the pinching necessities of his own; whose stock of Learning lyes all in Reversion, and his knowledge only of Fu­turity, for he understands neither things past nor present, yet (as Owls see best i'th' dark) kens to an Hairs-breath those to come. He boasts himself Heavens Secretary, the Stars Privy Councellor, perswades you that he can jilt the book of Fate, and pick-lock the secrets of the Destinies, but is in truth a paltry Hocus, whose Jug­ling box is a Scheme, Planets houses, and Aspects his several Properties, and his whole Art but a well contriv'd Faculty or Legerde­main to buble inquisitive and credulous Fools of their Money. He differs from an honest, able Artist, as a Licentiate from a Doctor. His natural impudence, and a stolen Ephemeris set him up, and he begins at once to be a Student and a Professor; one [Page]night sprouts forth this Mushroom of Science so high, from its native dung­hil, that forthwith, ‘Sublimi ferit sidera vertice.’

For by bungling in the worst part o'th' Mathematicks, from saucy Jack in an in­stant he commences Master Doctor; no sooner has he learn'd the Mystery to set a figure, but he fancies himself, a whole Sphear above Tycho Brahe, or Fryar Ba­con; and is more proud of the knack of finding out part of Fortune, than Columbus of discovering the new golden world, or our Modern Navigators the North­erne Indies; thence-forwards his cloven Tongue is tipt with Prophecy, he never opens his mouth, but tis Bearded with a Planet; let the discourse be what it will, he still speakes Astrology, and magnifies Ʋrania, though she may be (for ought he knows to the contrary) a footer of stockings. Ask him what 'tis a clock, he answers, [Page]Sol wants three degrees of the Cusp of the mid-heaven. Inquire what news from the Rhyne, and he'l tell you of Jupiter and Saturn at daggers drawing in the fiery Trigon, that the Dragons tail has stung the Dog-star, and Ʋrsa major the blind Bear to be whipt by Gemini, about the Antar­tick Pole. Some say, he took his first be­ing from a cunning Woman, and stole this black Art from her, whilst he made her Sea-coal fires, but he boasts 'tis all acquir'd by his own industry, and if so, you may swear no man ever more veri­fied the Proverb, He that teaches himself, has a Fool for his Master: the truth is, if any able Proficient out of a generous charity, discover to him the first Ele­ments of Art, his gratitude (like Aristotles to Plato,) is to abuse his Instructor, with opprobrious epithets of black-mouth'd detraction, and convince the World by railing, that his skill in Star-craft is [Page]taller than his Tutors, by six Cubits and a Span He impudently cites Ptolomy and Cardan, and makes Haly and Abuma­zar his common vouchers, yet scarce understands the Book of knowledg; and his Library for seven years is the Introduction, and Erra pater. You might know him by his thred-bare Blew-gown, that served two apprenticeships to his back, and was worn without mercy in the hottest of the Dog-dayes. You may learn Astrology without instruction, by the character of his face, on which 'tis as hard to find the Image of God, as to discover the true Effigies of a Saint by his weather­beaten Statue: for the wrinkles on his Necromantick brow represent the 12 signs, & all the Monsters on the celestial Globe are drawn to the life in his counte­nance. His prime task is to Con hard words, with which he startles his trembling Querents, who take them for names of [Page]his confederate Daemons. Asmodeus and Mefaustophilus are not half so terrible: they are too boysterous for Prose; but there are Charms in Verse, we will therefore shackle them in Meeter, where they run like the hobling rhymes on the top of an Almanack.

But to proceed more methodically, [Page]'tis requisite according to rules of art, we consider the radix of our prodigious Subject.

He was begot (like Merlin) by an Incubus on a Lapland Witch (whence he can easier resolve any question than who was his proper Father:) The eldest of the Si­byls plaid the Midwife to this Moon-Calf, and Dame Shipton his drie Nurse fed him with May-dew, & Pap of Trisme­gistus, rock'd him to sleep with a whirl­wind, lullabi'd him with the still Musick of the Sphears, and wrapt him up in the Zodiack for want of swadling clouts. Himself is most fit to Calculate his own Nativity; but if Scorpio be not slander'd when 'tis in­tituled signum falsitatis, (a sign of a treach­erous Nature) 'tis doubtless his true as­cendent. Some fancy the Egyptians & Caldeans, (those Bel-weathers of superstition) were mainly invited to sydereal studies by the plain and champaign scituation of their [Page]Countries. Who knows but his lofty education might first set out Astrologaze­star a gog, who sitting many years on his Throne like an Eastern Monarch, (for, spight of his Doctor ship, he is origi­nally a Knight of the cross-leg'd order,) in a Garret four stories high, had the better opportunity to contemplate the coelesti­al bodies, and search out the meaning of their respective twinklings? He affirms the Patriarchs were all as great Astrolo­gers as Alphonsus, or the three Kings of Co­len, and would gladly at any time ex­change the two tables of Gods commande­ments, for Enochs pillars. He loves Job the better for the sweet influences of the Pleiades, and offers to make affidavit, that Jacobs Ladder was only a Jacobs staff. To see him perpetually poring on Heaven, makes me wonder, a man should busiehimself so much about a place he is never like to come to: you would think his eyes [Page]were nail'd to the Stars, for he is al­wayes looking upwards, yet dares believe nothing above primum mobile, because 'tis beyond the reach of his Astrolabe. He is a punctual time-server, even to a minute, and when he is most busily imploy'd without Question does nothing. His groundless Guesses he calls Resolves, and compels the Stars (like Knights o'th' Post,) to depose things they know no more than the Man i'th' Moon; as if Heaven were accessary to all the cheating tricks Hell inspires him with.

He begins with theft; and to help people to what they have lost, picks their pockets afresh; not a ring or spoon is nim'd away, but payes him twelve pence toll, and the Ale-drapers often straying tankerd yields him a constant revenue: for that purpose he maintains as strict a corre­spondence with Gilts and Lifters, as a Mountebank with applauding Mid­wives [Page]and recommending Nurses: and if at any time, to keep up his cre­dit with the Rabble, he discovers any thing, 'tis done by the same occult Her­metick learning, heretofore profest by the renowned Mall-Cutpurse.

At other times there's nothing more pleasant than his shufling evasions; first, he gravely inquires the business, and by subtile questions pumps out certain par­ticulars which he treasures up in his memory; next, he consults his old rusty Clock, which has got a trick of Lying, as fast as its Master, and amuses you for a quarter of an hour, with scrawling out the All-revealing figure, and placing the Planets in their respective Pues; all which being dispatch'd, you must lay down your money on his book, as you do the Wedding fees to the Parson at the delivery of the Ring; for 'tis a fundamental Axiome in his art, That [Page]without crossing his hand with Silver no Scheme can be radical: then he begins to tell you back your own Tale in other language, and you take that for divinati­on, which is but repetition; he neither knowes nor regards the rules of the An­cients, nor the true position of the heavens, but follows his Fancy, and sayes what he thinks will please most; to colour which he abuses an honest Aphorisme, A te & Scientiâ. The old Shepherd that got the repute of being weather-wise, by telling one man it would rain such a day, and another, that it would be fair, learn'd that trick of this Hiccius Doctius, who to hit the white shoots opposite wayes, and predicts contrarieties of the same mat­ter; thus he tells you,

The Lord of the second separating from Saturm, Mercury Peregrine, with­out shooe or stocking, beholding the man, and the significator of the thief, [Page]in square to the ascendent, infallibly shew your things are stoln; but the Moon in the seventh house, and the Lord of the Horoscope being Lord of the hour, tell him, they are only mislaid, or strayed a­way, and therefore you were best look carefully for them. Then he asks, if you have never a suspicious person that much frequents your house? you pre­sently think of some body, and your answer discovering the Sex, he won­derfully tells you whether it be man or woman. For a description, he sayes, he must mix the Testimonies of the Signi­ficators, which he blends so accurately, that your fancy may apply it to any that you please to mistrust. As to the grand Quere, Shall the moveables be recovered? he answers, after a serious shake of his empty noddle, that al­though an Infortune retrogade in the eighth, and the Sun many fathom under [Page]earth, have no mind to restore them till latter Lammas, yet the dispositor of the Moon in partile Trine to the Ascen­dent, (being his special friend) has en­gaged on his honour you shall have them again by Tuesday come seaven­night; and that Mercury that notori­ous pilferer, being in Northern sign, and Westernly quarter, in the South­ern-angle of the Oriental Triplicity, plainly shews they are convey'd North and by South, whereupon he sends you on a fruitless Pilgrimage to Long-lane, Pepper-Alley, or Cow-cross, yet would have you to know, he could fetch them back in an instant through the Air, only he fears destroying his Majesties Fleet, and spoyling Sherwood-forrest by the vio­lence of the tempest, and would shew you the phantasme of the thief, but that he knows you will be frighted out of your wits, to see a worse Divel than himself. However he asks how and in [Page]what part you please to have the rogue tormented; and to prevent the like da­mage hereafter, offers for five pieces to give you home with you a Talisman against flies, a Sigil to make you fortu­nate at Gaming, and a Spell that shall as certainly preserve you from being rob'd for the future, a sympathe­tical powder from the violent pains o [...] the tooth-ach. This is his greener pra­ctice, till being arriv'd by the success o [...] his villanies to a plush Jacket, he grows too squeamish to intermeddle with these beggarly Elements, stoln Bod­kins, or she-asses gone astray. For the women hearing of his Fame, throng after in droves, and a Fleet of Coaches rides every morning at his door. The young Gallant bribes him with a Guin­ny, to know when his miserable Fa­ther will have the civility to go to Hea­ven; and is so pious as to double it, i [...] by Art he can expedite his journy. The [Page]Chamber-maid lately cured of the Green-sickness, by lying in the trucle-bed, comes to know whether the But­ler will accept of his Masters cast Suit for a Livery. And the old tooth­less Lady must needs be resolv'd con­cerning a seventh Husband. All these he dispences Oracles too, with a confi­dence equal'd by nothing but his igno­rance; for if any presume to scruple his judgment, he flies into a passion, and (as the Poet justified his Play) seals with an oath, the truth of his predicti­ons.

The best use can be made of him, is as [...] helper forward in an amorous intri­gue; at which he is exceeding dexte­rous, and so good Natur'd, that he will not refuse to pimp for a bountiful que­rent. He trappans a young Heiress to run away with a Foot-man, by per­swading a young girl 'tis her destiny; and sells the old and ugly Philtress and [Page]love-powder, to procure them Sweet harts. He finds the minute, the precise one minute that no woman can hold out in, and when a man may venture on the sweetsin, even in the Park, and defie the Chirurgeon. He elects a fi [...] time for adulterous meetings, and di­rects them whether North or West, Bar­net or Battersea will be least obnoxious to discovery; yet cannot all his skill con­ceal his own debaucheries: for the ma­licious Planets, (in pure revenge 'cause he blabs abroad, so many of their secrets,) will not suffer him to keep wench in private, or oblige the Pa­rish with an Astrological By-blow in hand-basket, but they'l tell all to the babling World, which laughs to be hold the celestial Scout-master, expo­sed to the correction of the Sessions and infamy of a penitential sheet.

His mighty ambition is to write an Almanack, which he doubts not but will make him more famous, than ei­ther [Page] Copernicus or Kepler, though it only unlock the Terms, point out high­wayes, and direct Mountebanks and Sow-gelders the proper season of the year to kill or torture in. The frontis­peice (if he can go to the charge,) shall be garnish'd with a gaudy picture, which he bribes the engraver to make not like but handsome; this sets off the pamphlet in a Country fair, as a horse sells the better for the ribbon, wherewith Jockey tyes up his tayl. He would willingly (like the grand Sig­nior) strangle all his Brethren, and cries out against his fellow ignorants, as publick whores against private for spoiling the trade. He takes a world of pains to vindicate himself from certain magical feats, which no wise man ever beleiv'd, he or any body else could per­form: and is so passionate in denying that ridiculous charge, as if he intend­ed you should still supect him guilty. [Page]The first leaf demonstrates Ptolomy to be as infallible as Euclid, and in six lines confutes all the learned volumes of Mirandula and Gassendus. His Calender musters up more Saints than the world now a dayes yields good Christans, and each moneth is fac'd with such heroick verse, as scorns to be confin'd to the dull pedantries of measure and sence. He writes of the weather hab nab, and as the toy takes him, chequers the year with foul & fair. The novice star-read­er peruses it with as much reverence as a Jew, the Pentateuch; but the Coun­try man makes bold with it for a regis­try, wherein he files his most important memoires; when his Mare took Horse, Puss kitled, or Goreback went to Bull. In the rear of the fardle stands that gast­ly Goblin the Anatomy, under which we have notice of some universal Pill, or wondrous cures the Author can per­forme. For you must know, a cunning­man [Page]is an infallible introduction to an Emperick, & (as some Rats are both for land and water,) his judgment at the Scheme and the Urinal is equally ex­cellent. If the physick of the dog-leech turn not your stomach, lets jog on to the Prog, and now, Readers! Linguis ani­mis (que) favete, with reverend silence attend the oracle, who comes to cut out the fate of the year, & allot each Kingdome and State its destiny. The Text is Sol in Aries, which he can either make as terrible as Curse the Meroz of old, and mould into marmalad and sugar plumbs at his plea­sure. Sometimes he threatens Poland; by and by falls upon the Sweed, (like a rene­gado from christianity,) brings the Turk into Hungary, strikes the Pope into a Feaver, frights the Empress, and makes her mis­carry, musters up the rebellious Cossacks and sets Prester John, & the Crim Tartar to­gether by the ears.

All this mischief he performes by the mysterious art of canting, and the help [Page]of his lousy rhetorick, that cheats people into an opinion of his abilities; having purloyned some shreds of Latine, he lards there with his dry discourses, and Greek comes to him (as other Brutes have their knowledg) by instinct, for he writes it before he can distinguish one letter of the Alphabet. He antedates ef­fects to their causes, and maintains each herb and flower receives its virtue from the Planets, whereas those were growing before these were created. He impairs Gods universal monarchy, by making the Stars sole keepers of the liberties of the sublumina­ry world, & not content they should domineer over naturals, will needs promote their tyranny in things artificial too, asserting, that all manufactures receive good or ill fortunes and qualities from some particular radix, and therefore elects a time for stu­ing of Pruins, and chuses a pispot by its horoscope. Nothing pusles him more than fatal necessity: he is loth to deny it, yet dares not justify it, and therefore prudently banishes it his theo­ry, but hugs it in his practice, yet knows not how to avoid the horns of that excellent Dilemma, propounded by a most ingeni­ous Modern Poet.

To conclude; his certainty in declaring future events, is like the predictions made to Caesar, Crassus and Pompey, or that of Bar­dugy to the thrice noble Captain, who all, notwithstanding the promises of such blandishing Hypocrites of Long-life and pro­sperity, fell by the stroaks of a violent and untimely fate. To a­void the scandal whereof, he commonly studies ambiguous expre­ssions applicable to every time, Prince and Nation. And when any extraordinary accident happens, glories that he foretold it, and fortifies his old Prognostications with new reasons; or if he be convict of falshood, excuses it with blasphemy, or at least, cloakes onelye with another, saying, the wise man rules the stars, whereas in truth (as the learned Agrippa long since observ'd) nei­ther the Stars rule the wisemen, nor the wisemen the stars, but God over-rules them both.