MArvel of Marvels, for that is the Character given you by a certain sort of Impertinent People who love mischief; Mischief your Mi­nion Medium, which like a rich vein runs through the heart of all your Syllogismes, to the utter impo­verishing of their Consequences; for, from a vici­ous medium (as unfledg'd a Logician as you are) you may Cock-sure, inferr, there must necessarily follow a vile consequence.

But, how defective soever you are in your Syllo­gismes, you make ample satisfaction; nay, you su­pererrogate [Page 2] in your Dilemma's, they are as surprizing as a Welsh-hook, with Pull her to her, push, her from her; of like a Rope and Butter, if th'one flip, t'other will be sure to hold. Your Similitudes are most apposite and unparallel'd, V. G. even as a Wheel­barrow goes rumble-dee, rumble-dee, so my Lord Mayor owes me Five hundred pounds. Your Ex­amples are without example; for Quibbles you are the very word-pecker of word-peckers, and for Rhetorical flourishes (like a Whisler before a Morris­dance) you carry it away from them all with flying­colours, your Workes being most artificially set forth and beautified with choice pieces of Poetry, like a Cow-turd stuck with Gillyflowers, most dexte­rously inter-woven with Natural Experiments; most richly embroidered with Theological Notions; most magnificently Tapestry'd with Reasons of State, hanging down in Clusters like bunches of Grapes; and most prodigiously stuff'd with Witty Conceits, thicker than Cloves in a Gammon of Bacon at Easter. Your Stile is for the most part smooth and insinua­ting, yet happily diversified here and there with Jirks and short Girds, as if you had a spice of the String­halt: although in your Clauses and Parentheses you are as unhoopable as if you stood with one leg at Dover and the other at Calais.

But, to make up more roundly to you, and to enu­merate your Metaphysical parts, were not compari­sons Odoriferous, I would play you off, for Cases of Conscience and Knotty points of Divinity, to Hugh [Page 3] Peters himself: Yea, you have with the same Pha­risaical Devotion, as liberally communicated your Spiritual Talent, yet I would not advise you to fol­low the Precedent too far, left you fall again into the Clutches of Father Gregory, &c. Mum's the Word, you understand me. As for your Morality I am unwil­ling to harp too much on that string; thou Man of Morals seek severity elsewhere, I dare not be thy caution. I must confess it is enough to throw any man into a Fit of the Staggers to reflect upon your Confidence: that you who have been your self first Graduated at Billingsgate, and afterwards Civiliz'd in Barbary (your own Writings are sufficient Evidence:) that you, to whom railing is as natural as habitual, a property belonging to you ( quarto modo) should have so cauteriz'd a Conscience as to brand your Ad­versary without having the least regard to his Function, with Petulancy, want of Humanity, &c. and this you modestly term onely a competent stock of Ill­Nature, which you alwayes carry about you, as ab­solutely necessary to self-preservation, left you should be found felo de se; risum teneatis Amici? Is not this a pleasant companion?

How it tickles my fancy to think what a general Jubilee there would be, and how unmercifully it would edifie with your Party to see you set Doctor- Cathedraticus in a Cucking-stool, Lording it over your Female-Auditory, the Water- Nymphs of Wap­ping, Magisterially maintaining your polemical Argu­ments and Debates, & tanquam ex Tripode, pronoun­cing [Page 4] your Oracles concerning the Power of Princes; the Liberty of the Subject; the Authority of the Magistrate; the Obedience of the People; the Duty of the Prelates and Pastors unto their Flock; cum multis aliis: And, when you have tired your Auditors as well as your Readers, with your frequent Tautologies upon the same subject, 'tis but shifting your leg in your Gallop (left you fall into a Dog­trot) and changing your Text, all will do well I'l warrant you.

Y'faith never leave them so (like Sir Martin Marral) when ones hand's once in there's no giving over, one Lesson more on the Lute, and then let them ring the Bell, vociferat, and proclaim unto them, with Mouth as wide as Oyster-womens, who stand gaping at you like their Oysters, that now they are to expect Pro­digies. Preach unto them the Wonders of the Deep, and in Confirmation of your Doctrine, let them see that you can at the very first plunge descend Doctor- Dodypole, and rise up again sous'd Gurnet: This Metamorphose will doubtlesly work with them like the shavings of an Elder stick scrap'd upwards and downwards. Yet, for all that, before you can have shak'd your eares, they will have re-setled their sto­machs, and then they will set out their Throats afresh, and be bauling for a new Frolick, gratifie them once more with a Cast of your Office, convince them that you can out-dive Gretorix, play me the Dy-dapper featly, dive me below Bridge, and rise up again visa vis de Lambeth, that your Adversary may see, mal-gre [Page 5] all his endeavours, you still bear your head above water; nor can all the water in the Thames, though at spring-tide cool your courage, no more than it can wash your foul-mouth clean; dico hoc sobria tristitia: I must unbutton my bosome, it is a very foul Mouth indeed, I speak not in the least to flatter, but as it is really my opinion.

Mais a la Guerre, a la Guerre, Summon forth the Foe to a Sea-fight, let him know you came not thi­ther to fish for Todpoles, Allons courage de Tripas Corazon; he shall find you per Mare per terras semper idem, in utrumque paratus. What though you are neither Flesh nor Fish, nor good Red-herring, your Adversary is not us'd[?] to Otter-hunting, never fear him Man, let him come if he dare: Oh happy if he come not, he shall soon be taught what it is to med­dle with any of the Race of Dametus hereafter.

Thus may you, by these heroical atchievements, dub your self Metropolitan Knight-Errant of this Age, sileant Miracula Memphis; no more let the fa­bulous relations of Monstrous Whales be read, their coming up the River will seem to portend little, when so stupendious a Cods-head as yours has been seen as high as Lambeth; 'Tis you will be the stupor mundi, and swell our Almanacks with strange Prog­nosticks.

And now, Marinated Sir, having thus generously maintained your Amphibious valour, Hixius Doxius reconveigh your self ('tis done in the twinckling of a Bedstaffe) unto the sweet Society of the Sisters of [Page 6] the Scolding Sodality the Countess of Puddle-dock, they will receive you with this chearful Antyphon,

You'l find them so tenderly officious, that both the fore and hinder part of a Shift shall be at your ser­vice, for the rubbing your Politick Pragmatical Pate. But, what think you now of a comfortable impor­tance? I am afraid in this, critical minute you would be found minus habens, and when once a man pleads non solvent, it is high time to put up his Pipes and go to sleep: And so for a while I will leave you to your rest; but, when you have been well rub'd and scrub'd, and sub'd, my dainty fine Don, we'l play tother party at Tennis, or Bandy a Ball or two and part fairly.

Bonjour, bonjour Monsieur; What, infected with your Adversaries disease, a dull lazy distemper? a Cheval, a Cheval, I hope I have not wak'd you too early, you'l be froward all the day after, Naturam ex­pellas furca licet; well now we are upon Terra firma again, What shall we be at next? not Controversy I beseech you, Pruritus disputandi scabies Ecclesiae. Besides, I believe you are no more a slave to Princi­ples of Religion (here I confess my self a Plagiary) then you are to the Venetian Gallies: and, when once such mushrome Monsieurs as you (I speak onely as to your Politick Capacity) for I know you are a Gentle­man [Page 7] descended from the Stand-ups by your Father, and the Stradlings by your Mother: When such Mountebanks shall Pirk up upon the Stage, and pre­tend to impose upon Church and State, we need not consult Mr. Conjurer Lilly; there would be no star Y'faith for the Gentry and Nobility of England, no more than there would be for the Clergy. That Parish must needs be well Govern'd where the Devil is Constable, I confess my self as to the Politicks [...]: Yet, it may be worth your observa­tion, that though by the Act of Oblivion our sins were forgiven us, yet we are not warranted by it to forget our selves: The Parish-Priest ought to remember that once he was a Clerk. It is not now as when Andreas liv'd. Is it possible you should be such a Goliah as you make your self? that, like a Fly in a Dung cart you raise such clouds of dust, that to allay them there must be summon'd in the whole posse Archidiaconatus of a Province. Is it side dignum that the whole posse-Comitatus of the County should be on foot, and that there should not be one Man found who dare cry Boh to a Goose. Aotos Perros con es­sos huessos. If you impose at this rate, you will come to put false Nine-pins upon us at last. Sure you imagine that in this Iron Age men have Estrich sto­machs, and can digest any thing, otherwise you would not hold forth such bold Paradoxes, as that there can be a Calumny-Office erected, and you not the sole Monopolist; or, that to be your Antagonist is the most dexterous, cheap, and legal way of Simony. [Page 8] These are, I profess, Mysteries not calculated for my Meridian, they leave me groveling in the dark. I am so thick-scull'd I cannot apprehend, that to be your Antagonist, should qualifie a man for a Paritor, much less advance him to a fat Benefice. 'Tis luck is all, Winter or Summer, should it rain Benefices, 'twere a Noble to Nine pence, not one would fall on my head; yet, give me leave to tell you, it has been broken before now (by some Gifted with your Prin­ciples) and so has many an honest Man's besides for the same sin, viz. taking Unsanctity'd courses, stray­ing from the wayes of Righteousness, this was the Do­ctrine of that Age) and treading in the forbidden paths of Allegiance; but let's be merry and wise, let's hear no more of those stories; you will tell us you have had new Lights enough to lead us out of that Cimmaerian-darkness, had we had but so much Grace as you to follow our late Reformers; Ho Ball ho, I thank you for your love, there's Money for your Mutton. I hold it as dangerous to follow an ignis fatuus, as to Dance the Cushion-Dance, a man may break his shins before he is aware; Play with me but hurt me not, via trita, via tuta. Well, plain dealing's a Jewel, whoever denies you to have a great share of Wit, may celebrate his own Festival on In­nocents-day, and wou'd be shrewdly suspected to want Pig sawce himself (Braines and Sage:) But, that a man may have Wit, and yet a Fool have the keeping of it, is no Modern Philosophy, verbum sapienti: Ergo this concerns not you Mr. M. However, let me hint [Page 9] thus much unto you by the way, when ever Nokes, You or I undertake to Act a serious part, should we be so jocund to dance the Hay after it, 'twere as demon­strable as the Eclipses of the Sun and Moon, there would be a Galli-crista alwayes in the middle; but, 'tis too late to think of dancing now, let me re-mind you, Friend, you have had your Nap already, and I begin to feel sand in my Eyes; wherefore, you will tie me to you with the Cables of intollerable tough­ness, if you will give me leave to rest,