SCENE. I. MOORFIELDS. ACT I.

ONE, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, with these Eight Farthings must I purchase Six several sorts of Commodities: Very good— what a pretty Office I have? 'tis the chief of my work to trot about these Errands all day long, for a covetous, stingy, grip­ing old Devil my Master, who feeds me with Leek Porredg and Cow-Heels, whilst he fills his own Guts with cramb'd Chickens, Turky-Eggs, and white Broaths, till he lays it up again— Ods­nigs I have lost one of my Brass Guinies—

Why how now Pol? what art thou poaking for i'the dirt?

O Mr. Fair-love, I am undone, I have lost the Eighth Part of my Purchase-Money, I was going to lay out for my Mistress.

Come give it o're, here, I'll make it up for thee, what hast lost?

Nay, not much, but a Farthing: it is but eating our Cow­heel without Mustard to day.

Here Pol— here's a Shilling for thee.

Thank you Sir, if I could but lose money thus every day, and gain by the loss, I should grow rich, like those who lose a Hundred Pound by a Fire, procure a charitable Brief, with one more, and get Six Hundred Pounds by it.

Well Pol, I see you know the World, but prethe let Mrs. Lucy know that I am in this Walk, and would willingly kiss her hand; you know Pollux I dare not be seen in Mr. Turbulent's House, and Mrs. Lucy has desired me to forbear coming thither her self.

I know it Sir, very well: I shall give her notice of your be­ing here instantly; but she is so busy, I believe she cannot steal forth at this time.

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Why Pol? what's the matter?

O Sir, My Master has taken Physick to day— a kind of grumbling came over his Maw, which I doubt was a Surfeit got by eating of Rashers of Bacon and poatch'd Eggs th'other day, with his Nephew Furnish: but Doctor Quibus, the gibberish— sputter­ing French Doctor, tells him it is Melancholy, and that he must purge it away.

And what is all this to Mrs. Lucy? Methinks now he is ty'd to his Close-stool, she may the better leave the House.

I tell you Sir, the whole Family is employed, and all too little, to wait on him: He is turbulent to purpose, for a little yel­low [...]sh Powder the Doctor gave him, which he called Enemetic, has so claw'd him off, that there is the Devil and all to do with him. I shall be Hang'd for staying.

But however, I don't see, but that Mrs. Lucy may get forth for all this.

Nay, You won't hear me, my Mistress holds his head whilst he discharges; my young Mistress Priscilla holds the Bason to catch the Stream forsooth, and your fair Mistress Lucy warms the Nap­kins to rub the Sweat off from his Countenance.

A good employment— Well Pol, however do you but whisper her that I am here, and leave the rest to her tender discre­tion.

Sir, your Servant— I will not fail to tread on her Toe, and lay my Lips to her Ear immediately.

Frank Fairelove— What the Devil do you do here? Is it to snuff the Air of Bun-fields? or have you a City Intrigue, to meet some Shop-keepers Wife?

I may as well ask you, what you do here? you belong to the other end of the Town as well as I.

Why, it lay in my way, and I was passing the Fields, as a man does a Ford in a River, as suddenly as I can, I long to be out of them, they stink of City-Dog-house. But you I see are taking your serious turns here, as if it were for Recreation or Meditation, or that you took more delight in Moor-Fields than in the Train-swept-Malt, or glorious Hide-Park.

Why, Will. Friendly, do you speak against a place that you know not? you are much mistaken in supposing here is no Recrea­tion.

Yes, here are Recreations indeed, to see the Wenches dry their Cloaths, and the Boys play at Grass-Cat, the Archers in Finsbury to shoot at Rovers, and Nine-pin-Alleys, and Bawdy-houses in every Quarter; what other Recreations canst find?

Yes, all the Varieties thou canst imagine. Oh the several sorts of People that walk in these Fields, the Saint, the Sot, the [Page 3] Cheat, the Cully, the Grave, the Frollick, the Wise, the Fool, the Melancholy, the Religious, the Fanatic, the Usurers, the Phi­losophers, the Alchymists, the Quacks, the Shop-keeper, from the Mercer to the Cobler, and Stocking-mender, with all their Wives, Daughters, Neeces and Maidens.

Fairly reckoned, you forgot the Mad-men too, in Beth­lem, they make part of the Rarities. But methinks St. James's Park, and the fair Bevie, that is there to be seen every Night, should have more attraction. The bright, fair, bucksom, witty, fine, will­ing and airy Girles at that end of the Town, should give more de­light than green Aprons, and Grogaram Gowns or Petticoats that stink of Soap and Tallow, or the Cypress Chests and Lavender.

Every man as he likes. I know your aim is at some fine, wit­ty, frollic, bucksom Miss, which some unmannerly Puppies call Wenches, and others most abominably asperse by the term of Whore. Why Faith Will. this place is not without those Creatures, and plenty of them too, of all sorts and sizes, though perhaps not so well prinkum prankum'd, or so modishly rigg'd: These are a sort of demure Whores, with little Rings upon their Foreheads, a strait Hood, and a narrow diminitive Colverteen Pinner, that makes them look so Saint-like, that you would swear 'em the Daughters of inno­cence it self.

This is something to the purpose, I like the place the better for that; but prethe be plain with thy Friend, and do not con­ceal thy Intrigue: who is it you are in quest of, that has so strong a Cart-Rope, as to draw thee from all the fine things in the Mall, to these stinking Tents of Bottle Ale and rusty Bacon? sure 'tmust be some rare piece: Or art thou cloy'd with Partridge and Pheasant, and long'st after Hung-Beef, musty Swines-flesh, or Rashers on the dirty Coales?

You are still besides the Mark Will. 'tis no ordinary Game that I hunt in these Fields.

Why so sly Frank? I never had a Miss or Intrigue yet, but I discovered it to thee; this is unkindly, the very Air of this place spoils your good nature.

I will tell you then, I am damnably, desperately, deeply in Love, and so have bin several Moneths too, and with an honest, witty, beautiful, well-bred, discreet, young Lady, and one that has Money boy to boot.

To have bin in Love for several Moneths, is no such strange thing, with a witty, beautiful, well-bred, discreet, young Lady; but if she be honest, and you cannot hope to make her other­ways, what do you do with her?

I see you follow your old Game Will— But I assure thee, mine is an honourable and lawful, and meer Matrimonial Design.

Heavens forbid— Matrimonial Love say you? thou [Page 4] art not so intoxicated yet? what Marry, when all the World for­sake their Wives, and fall to keeping? when 'tis grown as much out of Fashion as Trunk Breeches; thou hast convers'd fairly with Moor-Fields.

Away, away, let's have no tilting against Marriage, the Theam is grown thred-bare, there is scarce a Comedy without it, the Poets and the Stage have laught at it so long, that they begin to be laught at themselves for it. I tell thee Will. Friendly, mine is a fair, honest, downright, Matrimonial-Love, with a very honest fair, young, witty Gentlewoman, and now, in truth, you have my whole Intrigue.

If it be so, I think thou art turned an honest, down-right, plain-dealing Sot. Dost not thou know that there is not a more unbecoming thing in Nature, than to see a Gentleman handing and waiting on his Wife.

'Tis no matter for that, I have therefore withdrawn my self to this end of the Town, even to Moor-Fields, where 'tis no shame to do so; Men and their Wives ordinarily walk here together very lovingly.

Ay, Citizens and Shop-keepers, who are wedded to their old Fashions.

I believe it will grow in Fashion again, at the other end of the Town shortly: Misses are so very chargeable, humorsome, proud, impertinent and tyrannical, that no Wife in the World can be more. But I am resolv'd, and am not now to be shaken, therefore forbear.

But may not I see this fine, powerful Charm of yours?

Yes, you may in time, I am not shy, and I think need not be jealous of thee; for thou canst love nothing that's honest.

That's because I could never meet with that Chimoera, but you it seems, have found this rare Jewel.

Did you know her you would say so in Earnest, she is a Jew­el out shewn in the Dark, which makes her Carbuncle-like, to shine the brighter.

If it ben't i'the dark, 'tis such a hole, I should ne'r have sought for a Jewel in.

That's nothing to the Family she lives in, and to the People she is forc'd to converse with.

Well, who is she? her Name, and so forth.

Why I'll tell thee, her name is Lucia, Well-bred, a Gentle­mans Daughter, who dying, left her under the Guardianship of one Mr. Timothy Turbulent, whose Wife was Sister to her Father. Now he, with his hypocritical Sanctity, got so far into the Esteem of his Brother-in-Law, that he left his Daughter to his Care, with full power to see her bestowed in Marriage, but her Portion he com­mitted to the safe keeping of the Chamber of London, which is 5000 Pounds.

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He was wise in that.

This Mr. Turbulent is one that is still Railing against the Times, the Court, the King, the Church, the Government, and al­most every thing that stands in his way, loves to speak Treason privately, and has a great delight and faculty that way.

A good Guardian.

His Wife is one that has walk'd throw all Religions, and at last is come into the Society of the Sweet Singers. His Daugh­ter is an impertinent, and unmannerly Quaker, yet pretends to Knowledge, Learning and Logick.

'Fore George, your Jewel's well set.

Besides, The Gang that follows this Mr. Turbulent, and vi­sits his House, of Anabaptists, Vitioneers, Quakers, Hypocrites, Cheats and Fools of all sorts; which are the only People, my Mistress is suf­fered to converse with.

But in what Predicament stard you with your Mistress?

The business of Wooing is past, we are come to a Conclu­sion; but Mr. Turbulent knowing me to be one of the un-sanctified-end of the Town (as he calls it) has absolutely forbid me all en­trance into his Mansion, so that I cannot see Lucy, but by stealth.

Thou deservest this Gentlewoman, who e'r she be, for ventring into such a Place and People for her sake— 'Tis far be­yond the Voyage of Orpheus for Euridice, or of Jason for the Golden Fleece, the Furies and the Dragons and wild Bulls, were not so dange­rous as these sort of People thou hast named.

You may see by this the power of Love, that I can walk with pleasure under these Trees, the contemplation of Pay-day Me­lancholy.

Fa la fal fal la la fa la fa—

Whom have we here? a kind of a Morrice-dancer by his trip and trim.

O Sir, 'tis my Rival, one that Mr. Turbulent designs for Lucies Husband, he is a Mercer of Lombard-Street, his name is Fi­nical Cringe.

Fa la la fal la la—

A pretty spruce airy What d'ye lack Sir.

Yes, he learns to sing, dance, fence and to play of the Vi­olin, scorns to be like the Citizens, but scurvily imitates the Cour­tiers. Nay he is a pretender to Poetry, makes Sonnets and Acro­sticks on his Mistress Name. He goes duly to Pinners Hall with Mr. Turbulent, where he writes the Sermons, and when he comes home, privately reads Plays and Romances. To this Ape has Mr. Turbulent promised Mrs. Lucy, for which he is to have 500 l. of [...]er Portion for his Daughter Priscilla.

Why dost not beat him, but suffer him to co [...]rt thy Mrs.

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What, beat an Ass— there is no danger of him, he is Lucies only diversion, and serves to make her sport as much as a Monkie. Oh he sees us—

Mr Fairelove, honoured Mr. Fairelove, I kiss your hand, humbly kiss your hand heh—heh—

Your servant Sir, whither are you going Mr. Cringe? what to see Mrs. Lucy I warrant.

I am going to make her my daily Visit heh, and to illumi­nate my self by her lustre heh —

You are a happy man Mr. Cringe— you are going to offer some Copy of Verses now to her fair hands —

Who I? fa la fa la la— I can a little at Poetry— but you have so many better Poets at your end of the Town heh, heh, that you dislike us City Wits, heh—

Pox on him for a Baboon, what do you discourse with him so long for?

Prethee be quiet, he will shew his Verses now, either stol­en out of some Play-Book, or of his own making.

What does the Coxcomb heh so at us?

Oh! 'tis his word of Expectation, the Fop thinks it a grace, and has us'd himself so long to't, he cannot speak ten words with­out it, and it makes up a great part of his Oratory— see he's a pulling out his Papers,

This is Moor-fields—

Come, come Mr. Cringe, let us see your Raptures, you are reading there— my Friend here is a very good Judg of Verses.

'Tis a pretty Conceit heh, a very pretty conceit heh —

Come what is't, let's see it.

Why 'tis a Copy of Verses of a Pin that fell from Mrs. Lucies Sleeve, and I put it upon mine heh— carried it home heh, and this Morning I made these Verses heh, which I am going to present her, with her Pin again heh; is it not a pretty Conceit heh?—

Yes, and shews much Wit, the Great Virgil did not dis­dain to write on a Gnat, and a Fly, and a Flea; yea a Louse, has been the Theam of the Witty Poets, among which we will place your Pin.

The Conceit is new I assure you, heh — here Mr. Fairelove, you shall read 'em — heh!

No, by no means, you will grace 'em best your self — your Poets always love to read their own Verses, they know where to give the Emphasis, and how to accent them, with the true rise and fall of the Voice—

Well then—

Had it not been better— upon fair Mrs. Lucies Sleeve.

No, that is not so new— Mark the Conceit heh.

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Reads—

How do you like it heh?

Excellent.

Reads—

what say you hey —

Very good—

Reads—

Mark that heh, and then I present the Pin heh, a merry Conceit, heh, a Morning Meditation, heh— fal la la la fal fa lay— but your friend does not tell me how he likes it heh.

Very scurvily heh— why this Fool is madder than a­ny in Bedlam— prethe let me kick him going—

By no means— did you make these Verses Mr. Cringe?

Yes Sir— and off hand, this Morning, I did not stu­dy much for 'em.

I dare swear he did not.

But I doubt you stole 'em Mr. Cringe, for I remember I saw the very same Verses, with little alteration on a Scarf, Printed among Collection of rare Poems.

Aside— Who'd think he should have seen that Book— I thought it had been out of Print, I do but as the greatest Wits do, steal one from another, but I had as good have made 'em, sorit lost as much Labour and Oyl, as the Poets say, to turn a Scarf into a Pin heh—

I am sure you have turn'd your self into a Wood-Coc.— Here's a Moorfield Poet and City Wit, wi h all my heart— 'ilid. Fairlove, art bewitch'd, to hold any l [...]nger converse with this Fool, and finical hehing Coxcomb.

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Mr. Fairlove, your Servant, heh. I see your friend is va­pory and huffy heh— your servant, your servant, fa la la fa la la—

Why are you so angry Will— would you have converse with none but Philosophers— or would you have the man have more Wit than God has given him?

No, Natural folly does not offend me, a Jack Adams, a Clown, a Jobbernole; but these fools, that take pains, and are in­dustrious, and laborious to shew their follies, ever make me angry, I can't laugh at 'em.

But I can— prethee let's withdraw— I see more Com­pany, that will be worse offensive to me, for I hate Knaves, and there are a couple of sufficient ones.

Prethe, who are they?—

Come this way, I'll tell thee—

That is one Furnish, a Sisters Son of Mr. Turbulent, a very Cheat, has nothing, yet furnishes all the needy Lords of the Town with money, keeps his Coach, his House well furnish'd, spends high, keeps his Whores, his Footmen, French-Man, &c. and all by his Wits.

I like such a man very well, Knaves are no offence to me, they are very necessary Common Wealth-men, and are as good as a Cat in a House, to pray upon the Vermin Fools. Would there were more of them; but who's there—

'Tis one Hangby, a creature of his, and a Conspirator in his Cheats— they come this way, let's sheere off into the next Walk.

A Pox of ill luck, my Uncle Turbulent has taken Physick to day, and I cannot have the opportunity of getting him forth. I can do no good with him, whilst the old Hag my Aunt is with him. No­thing will open his heart, but good Sack and Sugar, or sweet Me­theglin, or else a Brace of Steaming Capons, with all the accoutre­ments.

Nay, he is a Devil at Eating, he lays in like Wood a Kent, when he eats on Free Cost.

He had better eat at a ten Shilling Ordinary, every time he eats with me, I have the right way to coaks him. I know his hu­mour Jack— But I'm at a Devilish Plunge for this 50 l. to stop the Execution that is coming out against my Goods; my Coach and Horses are in jeopardy.

Is it possible you can want money already? it is not many days since I saw thee as rich as a Banker, and rolling in Guinies.

Faith they're all gone— slown boy— they never stay long with me — Dost not see what shoales I have following me, that I am fain to forsake my Lodging, or get out on't by 5 in the morning, to avoid them, yet wonder that these sums should be so soon gone.

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You say true.

Besides there is Sir William Needy, Mr Litttlewit, Mr. Pennyless, Mr. Marland, and 40 more that I have furnished, and must furnish as fast as I can. But Puppies—Puppies Jack begin to grow thin; if I could but meet with them as often as I could de­sire, I should do well enough.

But well as to this 50 l. 'tis a small Sum; I never knew thee so gravell'd before for such a little Modicum—what no Trust in the City— what! has the Lace-man smelt thee? never a Claret-Merchant! Will the Sadler trust no more Sadles to furnish the Troops going to Flanders, ne're a Draper—Where are your Set­ters and Ferriters for security; are there no Tradesmen now ready to break, whose Credit is good enough to be bound for a 100 l, or so, and go ships. Where is your honest Rogue Scrivener to draw in hah?

What man! a la mort?

This Uncle of mine vexes me—He begins to hearken to the Old Beldame his Wife, who has lost all her Teeth with scold­ing; and her Lips are worn so thin that they will not keep her Nose and her Chin from meeting.

I tell thee Jack I have not sufficiently squeez'd this Uncle of mine—He milks hard now, and I take the more pleasure in it. Oh! the delight I take of putting the Dice upon a wary Fop. If he be covetous let me alone to deal with him. 'Twas no less than 30 in the hundred advantage, with good security, that made this precise Ass my Uncle part with his 500 l. for so much I have had, which he is never like to see again, and this 50 l. to Boot.

But how?

Let me alone—Go you away, presently disrobe your self; off with your Cloaths, your Sword, Wig, and Hat—Put your self nimbly into a black Sute of Grogran, below the Knees, a broad skirted Doublet, and Girdle about the middle, and a short black Cloak squirted down before with black Taffity, a broad brim'd Hat, with a great twisted Hatband with a Rose at the end of it—Your Hair is slink enough, and of the precise Cut with­out your Perriwig: good Jack be nimble, and meet me at the Popes Head Tavern, near to my Uncles, about 3 a Clock in the Afternoon. I will prepare him for you.

I have a Broker in Long-Lane that soon will Attire me in any Garb. I have served you I'm sure in all Habits, from the Lord to that Clown, nay to the Skip-kennel—But what must I do?

Prethee be not impertinent, I think thou art grown dull. Observe your Cue—You are to be a Suter to my Cousin Priscilla.

Enough—enough—I have you i' my Noddle—fear me not—Ile be with you without fail.

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And I must in the mean time try my skill to get my Uncle to the Tavern, now he has taken Phisick, from that Female Devil my Aunt, whom I dread more than the sight of a Basilisk.

How now Mr. Sneak — Prethee wha'ts become of the Captain your great Companion, that was to go on the expedition to conquer the Island of Formosa.

He had not patience till my Lady Medler could get the Commission, and so he is gone to sell Ale at Wapping.

Gad the better Employment byhalf, and more to be got by it.

You are always an Infidel Mr. Furnish, but I am come to ask seriously your advice, whether I should accept an Employ that is now offered me, or no?

Accept? what the Devil else should you do but accept? Thou hast not had six pence in thy Pocket this six Moneths to my knowledg but what I have furnished thee with, to go to the Coffie-Houses to meet your damned cheating Roguish Projectors. If thou gets no more by pimping than thou doest by projecting, we shall see through this slender Body of thine shortly. But what in the Name of Wonder, is this Place or Employ that is offered you?

I am offered two Places to go Governour of Poetan, or Consul of Marsielles—which shall I take?

Poetan, where is that?

It is a great Kingdom in the West Indies, for which I am to raise 10000 l and I to go Governour.

'Tis a great way off Mr. Sneak, I should rather be Consul of Mar­sielles.

I am of your mind, my Lady Medler has as good as got me the Patent—Faith Il'e send thee good store of Muscat.

Consul of Marsielles, hah hah hah—a goodly Consul— But hark you Mr. Consul Sneak, what will then become of all your Projects if you go? will you leave all your Concerns in your Black Box that is worth so many thousand Pounds?

Why these Considerations I confess made me make a scru­ple of it—and now I think better of it, I will not go.

Why where is the Widdow Mr. Consul, that you were in in quest of that was worth a 100000 pound.

Fye, fye, don't mention her; when I enquired into the Business I found she had but 20000 pound. She took Tobacco, and drunk Brandy, and was no Gentlewoman, and therefore I refused her.

Thou art a damnable lying Rogue — I know thou wouldst take up with an Apple-woman that had but 50 l. Hang it Mr. Sneak, you have brag'd so long of your Land in Cornwall that no Body will believe thee. And hast been fool'd so much by every projecting [Page 11] Codshead, that the whole world laugh at thee, and say thou art onely fit for a Chamber among the Fellows of that great Colledg yonder.

You may say your pleasure Mr. Furnish.—I'le leave you—But I question not yet to ride in my Coach and six Horses—

Stay—stay, don't go away—here take sixpence to spend at the Coffee-House, for I'm sure thou hast no money.

Well well, I will pay you again with Interest.

Be ruled by me Mr. Grin, leave your projecting Trade, and keep close to your pimping Trade, 'twill bring you in more money byhalf: Thou art a most excellent Pimp—the Ladies are taken with thy Address.

Well well, Mr. Furnish—you are full of your jeers— but I am stayd for—

Be not out of the way in the Afternoon, if need be to be bound with me to my Uncle, Mr. O-yes good security.

No no—I'm sure I'm bound for some hundreds already for him—But if one of my Projects hits I shall pay all.

Goe thy way for a melancholly, projecting Dreamer, with thy Estate in the Clouds—Now is he gone sneaking to my Uncle Turbulents—I wonder what he does there?—But who comes sayling here—Oh my Lady Medler: Now for a Dun, and a Rallie—

Out upon these paultry Fields; a Person of Quality cannot come to the Doors with a Coach, but must alight and foot it. I would not be seen thus afoot and alone for any thing— uds so, here is Furnish.

Madam your Servant—what going to my Uncle Tur­bulents?

O you are a fine Man never to come at me, are not you?— I have been at least ten times at the Door in my Coach, but you're never within— when your turn's serv'd you care not.

And I think I serv'd her turn too, if I am not mistaken. (aside.) O Madam, I'm sorry for your mishap, t'other night, going home from my House.

Your Men had made my Coach-man drunk

And I think I made her more drunk.)

That he could not guide his Coach right, but over­threw it and broke all my Glasses. I'm sure it cost me Ten Pounds to put my Coach to rights again— You're a fine Man to keep me till three a Clock i'th' morning, wasn't you?

(Pox on her I could not be rid on her as long as I had one Bottle of Frontineack left) I did not think it so late, Madam, but what said Sir Edward— was he not angry?

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Angry? would I could see that: an he should be angry with me, I'd make my Lord, my Brother angry with him— angry kether? No I call'd him Sweetface a thousand times, and told him I had been at my Cousens, the Grocer's Wives Labour.

And he believ'd you?

Why, you don't take him to be so unnatural a Beast as not to believe his own Wife. But where's my Necklace of Pearl I lent you to take up some Money on, did not you promise I should have it within 2 days?—

A Pox of her Memory, I was afraid of this Dun— Madam, I am about to receive 600 l. this Evening, and then I intend to re­turn it back to your Ladyship, with a pair of silk Stockings for the use of it.

Ay, you are the best Man at Promises in the World, and the worst at Performances— Indeed Mr. Furnish, I must have it, Sweet-Face has asked me several times why I don't wear it— I'll stay this Moneth for the 50 l. I lent you.

(And so you're like this 12 Moneths for me; if she has not the Conscience to pay me for what I do for her, I will have the Conscience this way to pay my self.)

Indeed Madam, I will repay you all shortly, and furnish your La­dyship with what Moneys you shall want—

(I must put her besides this Discourse.

Madam, I wonder you can spare so much time as to come to this End of the Town, considering the many Affairs you have in hand, of benefit and weighs— My Lord your Brother helps you to many a Pound.

Tho I say it— I have more to do than my Lord Chancellor— and my Lord my Brother has many grand in­trigues in hand, I assure you; but 'tis a great secret, he is now making an Union between the Muscovite and the Turk, and by his means there will be shortly a League, Offensive and Defensive, be­tween the Grand Seignior and the Sophy of Persia; and you will see by next Summer, for all the Peace at Nimiguen, all the States in Chri­stendom Confederated against the French King— My Lord Politick knows how to play his Cards.

You are happy, Madam, in being like him— for though you don't make Matches between Kingdoms and States, yet you make many other very considerable.

I have made some in my time— and to tell you the truth, I was now going to Mr. Turbulent to propose a Match between a Kinsman of my Lords and his Daughter Pris.

(Dam her— she'll spoil all my Design) By no means Madam — don't do it.

Why so Mr. Furnish— I think it is no disparage­ment to be Related to my Lord my Brother. I tell you Mr. Fur­nish, [Page 13] there is not a Woman in all the Kingdom but would be glad and proud of the Honour.

No question, Madam— But I have already propos'd a Match for my Cousen Priscilla, and you will spoil all.

Nay if it be so, I'm glad I spoke of it— I shall forbear for your sake.

But Madam, There is one Match that I know of, which if you could bring about would advantage you at least 10000 l.

Bring it about— I'll warrant you— ne'r fear man, as long as I have my Lord my Brother to back me—prethe who are the persons?

'Tis a difficult business, and I'm loth to tell you.

I will know— You shall have a share Furnish— Making of Matches is a good Trade, if it be well handled to get Mo­ney on both sides; but I must know who these persons be.

Why it is between Antichrist and the Whore of Babylon— 'twould do well if you could bring them together.

Well— well — you jeer me do you? Farewel— but be sure you remember my Necklace.

I shan't forget it Madam— but not a word of my Cousen Priscillas Match— I'll not leave you, Madam— I'll see you at my Uncle Turbulents.

Your friend yonder is a man of sence; I like him— but I converse with so wretched a Generation, that I am like one coming out of a dark place, dazled with the light of Sence and Reason.

He is a plain, downright Gentleman that loves to speak his mind—and I'm afraid he'll beat that Fop Cringe, if we leave them too long together— Therefore my dear Lucy, answer me to the Question I ask'd you.

You may be sure Franc, that I would be glad to be out of this Hell I live in, and dare venture my self with you— and put my Neck in the Yoke of Matrimony — but I tell you, I will also bring you the little Fortune my Father has left me, and not give the ad­vantage to my Uncle Turbulent, to cheat me of it— he has a Fanati­cal Conscience.

I thought I had taken off that Objection, by telling you the good Fortune that has befallen me of 500 l. a Yeer, by the Death of my Uncle in Norfolk. So that now you cannot object (as you use to do) the want of means to live.

You have indeed Franc been very honest in not urging me to Marry before you knew how to keep me like a Gentlewoman, and as many do, to satisfie their pleasure, run themselves headlong into Misery— But yet I assure you, I will have my Portion before I Marry; tho you are so willing to part with it, I am not.

[Page 14]

But you know how averse he is to me, and that he designs you for that Fop C [...]inge, and what power your Father left with him, so that you cannot have your Portion unless you Marry as he would have you. Will you therefore ever live in the Purgatory you are in, and permit me still to languish for want of your company, or else to continue my Walks here among Usurers, Dawds and Punks, to get now and then a sight of you?

No, no, fear it not, I have studied the point, the clause of the Will is this, That if my said Ʋncle Turbulent be alive, and compos mentis, that he should have the sole dispose of me, and that if I married without his consent, the Chamber of London should not part with my Por­tion, but it should be at my said Ʋncles dispose — Now if my said Un­cle be either dead, or not compos mentis, that clause is null, and the Portion, as I take it, is at my own dispose.

—You are a cunning Lawyer but your Uncle is alive— as for the other, compos mentis, that I think he is not— but 'tis not what we think, but what the Law will think in that case.

Well, let me alone— I will give you leave to get a Licence against to morrow morning, for I have brought my Affairs to such a pass, that by that time the Law shall free me, and he shall be either not alive, or not compos mentis.

I confess I am gravel'd— but I will not question your inge­nuity—

But what shall I do with poor Cringe?

Hang him Fop—

I must provide him a Wife— my Cousen Priscilla, as precise as she is, is taken with that Fool, and extreamly loves him— I must try to get him to Marry her— He is so easie a Fool that I think I shall perswade him to it for all his pretensions to me.

That would do well — see he is run away from Friendly— I knew he could not endure him long —

Your most humble Servant hey—your Servant Mr. Fairlove— Fore Gad your Friend yonder is the roughest man I e're talked with hey—I never saw such a surly man in my life hey—he does not love talking he says—hey—and then I would have read him some Verses hey—and he then grew worse mad hey—and would have tore 'em hey—then I sung fa la la la fal la la la, and gad he was ready to kick me hey, he is fit to converse with no Body but himself hey, and so I left him hey—

Ay Mr. Cringe, he has his Fits—you must not take it ill.

I a'nt such an Ass hey—but I'le ne're be alone with him again hey—Come Madam Lucy will you go home hey—

Nay I shall be angry to if you perswade the Lady to leave my Company so soon.

[Page 15]

Come Mr. Cringe, let's see those Verses you would have shewn Mr. Friendly—I know they are some I ha'nt seen yet, and I thank you for those of my Pin.

They are not finished, yet hey I have onely begun a few hey, which I intend to present you when they are finished hey.

No no, I'le see em now while I'm in the humor, or not at all.

You must never deny a Lady any thing.—

Look here, they are but— fore gad they are not yet fini­shed.

Godslid here's the Gentleman does not love Verses, I dare not read 'em—

Come come you shall read em—

I wonder you can fool thus with this City-maggot; Prethee Frank if thou hast any thing to say to the Lady I'le stay and beat him going—if not let's goe:

Prethee Friendly be not so hasty—Mrs. Lucy has a mind to see his Verses—

That any one should take such content in the diversion of Fools.

Well I'le read if Mr. Friendly will be but freindly hey I think I was witty there hey—You must know Madam these Verses are not finished—

Why you told us so already, Mr. Cringe, let's hear 'em however—

Hem! hem! they are to be directed to you Madam For the fair hands of the more fair Madam Lucia.

I could never tell before which were the fairest, my hands or my face. Proceed—

Hem! hem! reads—

How do you like it hey—for gad 'tis excellent, [...]o ordinary strains hey—

You are no ordinary Puppy I am sure of it.

Your Servant Sir Hey— Hem hem —ready.

Do you mark that hey—'tis good hey—hem! hem!—reads

I can hold no longer, he has wore out my patience— why there's more sense in the chattering of a Monkey.

He has tore the best Copy of Verses that ever was wrote hey, and that's a bold word hey—

And so it was Mr. Cringe,—But is this all pure City Wit- London Wit— or Moorfields Meditation.

No, in good Faith 'tis pure York-shire Wit; for he has took all this out of the York-shire Play called, The Inamouring Girdle.

Godsuckers— I think the Devil is in 'em for finding me out— I must out-face it.

Let him take it from whence he will, 'tis like himself, all Nonsence.

'Tis all my own Writing, I protest— one thing may be like another hey —

Well, well Cringe, as long as I like it, all is well; I know no body but your self could write such high strains.

O Madam, I am your most humble Servant and Admirer hey— but the Gentleman is a very angry Man hey.

What kind of Dumb-sad is that?— he walks as if he trod on Eggs.

Oh, he is one of the Gang, resorts much to my Uncle Tur­bul [...]nts, speaks hardly 6 words in 6 hours, and then he gapes like Frier Bacon's Brazen Head. He dreams all day, and sees Visions at night — and then relates them for the comfort of the Brethren in Tribula­tion. All he speaks they take for Oracles. He's one of their private Conventicle or Cabal, where they may speak their minds freely.

A Melancholy Visionere.

Whose Head travels the Moon, and has lodg'd in all the Inns of the Zodiack and the 7 Stars. He has been beyond the eight Sphere, and brings Embassies from thence, his Name is Mr. Abedne­go Suck-Thumb.

Mr. Turbulent will-think I'm run away with you, Madam Lu­cy, hey— shall we repair to your Habitation hey?

Well Gentlemen, your Servant— Mr. Fairlove let me see you again anon.

[Page 17]

Your Servant Gent.— your

Servant, your humble Servant Mr. Fairlove.

Your Servant Mr. Cringe—

Your Servant Coxcomb—

I admire how so well-bred and witty a Gentle-Woman can endure to converse with those kind of Animals that are a­bout her. I like your Choice Frank, but I don't like your Matrimony, is there no other way— can't you save her from drowning, without sinking your self?

Leave off, I am resolved— I will deliver her to morrow — To morrow Will. thou shalt be at our Wedding.

Thou art a kind Servant— Thou'lt deliver her out of Hell, and put thy self into Purgatory.

THE SCENE. Mr. Turbulent's House. ACT II.

WELL here's some Air in this Room— oh! oh! oh! it was a Thundring Emettic— Lord how it work'd, I am wondrous empty.

Here is a whole Pipkin of Plum Grewel for thee— shall I give thee some of it—

No— I bid you get me some Egg-Caudle— I will have that first, and then the Grewel — Egg-Caudle is comfortable— oh! oh! I am very sick— Kate I am very sick, it gripes me yet— It has claw'd me off — it has made me very empty.

'Tis no matter, Mr. Turbulent, and it had been worse; you must be taking Physick of such leud French Doctors— This was one of your Nephew Furnish's helping to, that sink of Sin, and Son of Perdition, who never did you any good, nor never will — Could not Doctor Plussi-Coat here at the next Door, have serv'd your turn, or Doctor Dodipal one of the Brethren?

Hold your peace— speak not against the Doctor, the Physick has wrought well— yea very well, both upwards and downwards— why where's this Caudle?

Why Paul, Paul, why Paul—

Here, I'm coming as fast as I can: I cannot be here and there and every where. I'm sure I serve for all Employs, your

foot-boy to run of Errands; your Butler to draw your Beer; your Cook to dress your Meat, and yet I can't please you— Sir shall I get ready the Turky Eggs?

Ay, get them ready against I have eat the Grewel, for I am won­drous empty —

Will you have all six?

[Page 19]

All six Sirrah?— are six so much that your Rascality asks so vain a Question?— quickly all six—I am very empty— Kate let a Chicken, otherwise called a large Pullet, be got ready for my Supper— and some more Caudle— I find Caudle is good.

He is become Ravenous; this Physick has but only whetted his craving Stomach— Oh these Cholerick, Turbulent Men are always great eaters—

Sirrah are not you gone yet about the Eggs?

I'm going— He'll devour me if I stay.

'Tis good Caudle— I find it comfortable Kate.

Vat is dat you eate dere?

Nothing but Egg Caudle Doctor.

Morbleu— Egg Caudle said you— you be de strange man in de hole Varld— The Debil give you de Physic for me— I give de Physic to purge de Color and de Melancolly, and you eate de Caudle to make more Color and Melancoly. For vat is dat do you know?

Don't be angry Doctor, I am empty— the Caudle is comfortable—

De Caudle is poyson, and breeds de color ande de me-lan-col-ly, and it vil come to de fourth degree, and den you vil be mad— dat you will get by de Caudle—

You sha'nt perswade me out of my Caudle for all that, 'tis com­fortable, yea, I find it very comfortable.

Me been two, tree, fore day studying and turning over all de Au­tors to find cure for your distemper. Me read Galen, Hippocrates, Senner­tus Fuchsius and twenty more, and break me Brane vit de study, and now you spoil all vit de Caudle—cram—cram—cram—

Pray what it his Distemper?

His distemper is de choloric—Melancolly.

How dost thou prove that?

You must be prating too — what's that to you how he proves it, does Mr. Goose-quil prove all he says?

Yes, he says nothing but what he Proves, and so ought he— He ought to make it plain to the Hearers— we do not understand what he means by cholleric Melancholly—

Maistress Priscilla, you be de very learned Voman—but you be troubled also very much vid de Melancholly, I can prove dat— and all de House is troubled vid de Melancholly, and all de Varld is troubled vid de melancholly.

Thou shouldst tell us how—Thou sayst so, but that is not enough.

Kate, get me some Grewel while the Doctor disputes— I say get me some Grewel—

If Maister Turbulent vil give me de leave I will tel de how all de Varld is troubled vit de Melancolly.

Ay Doctor with all my heart— I may then eat my Grewel in quiet— I can eat and hearken to the Doctor — Kate—the Grewel.

[Page 20]

Mark ye me de Melancolly is de general disease of de hole Varld— all de Varld is troubled vit de Melancolly more or less. Democritus did study de Anatomy of de Melancolly, and one Burton your Country-man did write de great Vollome of de Melancolly; but I vil tell you all de hole Book in fower vards. Dere is de Melancolly— fa la — de Melancolly pick-straw— de Melancolly Dumb-sad — and de Melancolly stark­mad— and dere be all de Melancollicks be Gar —

Very well Doctor, proceed—

Mark ye me— Dere be de fower sorts of de Humors wich cause de fower sorts of de Melancollies, dat is de sanguine or de blood, de Phlegm, de co-lor, and de pure Melancolly or addust blood. Mark ye me, dere be also, one, two, tree, fower degrees of de Melancolly — De first is called de Melancolly only, but if it be not purged away, it vil rise to de second degree, and den it is called folly; so to the tird degree vich is extream folly, and lastly, to de fowert degree, vich is madness.

Methinks the Doctor speaks very Learnedly.

Go on Doctor go on—

Vil you never don de eating—

I eat leisurely— I hearken Doctor — I hear you—

Vel den, Me vil tel ye how de Melancolly disturbs al Men in de Varld, and is de general distemper of de hole Varld. Mark ye me — de seat of de Melancolly is de spleen vich draws to it de ticker and de grosser part of de blood, and ven dat intral is full of de adust Melancolly blood, and does no vel and rightly discharge it self, it mixes it self vit de other humors in de body, and so diffuseth it self torow de hole body—Mark ye me.

I do Doctor— I do—

Den if de Melancolly mixes it self vit de sanguine humor, or de blood, it causes de Melancolly fa la— it makes de laugh, de singing, de caper-ing, de pance-ing—de love— de brisk-ness — de Poetry— de Verses, de Love-Letters, de folly, de mimic gestures, de apishness— de buffoon and Apish Asses— for de spleen is de seat of de laugh, as well as of de sad and melancolly, but being mixed vit de blood it tickles de spleen, and causes de laugh hah hah hah— de Frenches my Country­men are very subject to dis sort of de Melancolly, who are alvais laugh­ing and meery, airy, light, and full of de love—now as dis Melancolly rises in degrees, it expresses it self more or less, an example of vich Melan­colly, you have daily in Mr. Cringe, who comes daily to your house, he is, me assure you, much troubled vith dis sort of Melancolly in de tird degree, and if he do not take my Pill for de Melancolly, he vil come to de fowert degree, and den he must go to de great Hospital, and have a chamber dere to be cured.

Very well Doctor, let us hear the other three Doctor, by that time I shall eat up my Grewel—

Vel den, if de Melancolly mixes vit de Phlegm it causes de Melan­colly pick-straw. All de People of de London are very much troubled vit [Page 21] dis dull and heavy melancholy; dey sit in their shops, and tink, tink, tink, all day long, from morning to de night of noting—all not worth one straw of de little sheat of dere shop, or of de news, buz— buz—buz—dey noting but pick straws all deir life-time— dis causes de grave and de full folly de starv'd Ass—the Politician —the Counsello de Projector, de windmils in de head, de formal bu­sie body about noting—it makes the false hopes and de dull fools—an example of dis melancholly you have in the projecting called Mr. Sneak, who comes often to your house; he is troubled vith dis melancolly pic straw, in de tird degree, and very near de forth.

This Doctor I say is very learned, I begin to be of his Opinion.

Ay Mother, if he could prove it, but I have not yet heard one Sylogism.

Peace—Doctor proceed —as I do

Vel den de tird sort of melancholly, is ven de melancholly mixes vith de serum of the bloud, and makes it stick like puddle water; dis is de pure melancholly, de true atra Bilis black bile, and dis causes de dum sad — he sits all day vith his hat dus—and his arms across dus—he no speak vards, he tinks altogether, he imagines strange dings, he sees strange sights, he tinks of de Dible, of his Cloven-foot, and de horns on his head, he tinks of de Moon, and of de Religion—he sees Visions of de Angels, and de strange Beasts, and de Monsters; dis causeth de Prophesie, de Fanatick, de Sects, and de Schisms, and de He­reticks, de Divisions, de dark mists in de fancy, and in de imagination, and de strange Chimeras, and all de strange delusions in de varld. An example of dis is the Visioneer, who often comes hither, one Mr. Abed­nego Suctum, he is troubled with dis in the fort degree, and is fit for de Bethlem.

I like not that he should accuse Brother Suck-Tum

Maistres Priscilla is troubled vith dis melancholly in de tird de­gree, mixed vith de phlegm melancholly, but she may yet be cured; but I tink Mr. Suctum is past cure; and all de Elebore in d' Antycyra vil not give him de perfect cure.

Well, Doctor, let us here the fourth.

De fort and de last melancholly, is ven it mixes vith de Color; and dis causes de melancholly stark mad—dis is de slava Bilis de yel­low bile, or de colorick melancholly dat causes all de quarrels in de vorld, and makes de fiting, de Riots, de Routs, de peevishness, de angriness, de beating one another, de disputing, de Railings, de Re­vilings, de Treasons, and de Treasonable Speeches, de Turbulences, de Rebellions, and opposition of de Governours, and de Government, of de Kings and his Laws, and of all unquietness in de vorld; Dis is de melancholly Mr. Turbulent which disturbs you, and which you have in de tird degree, and entring upon the so [...], and for which you took my Emmetic to purge it out, and to cure you, and [...]ow you goe spoil all vith [Page 22] eat­ing Caudle— me no give you any more Pysick be gar— you shall go to de Bethlem for me—

What? do you say I am mad Varlet as

thou art— Hold me not; I will beat the Rogue's Eyes out— Mad— mad—do you give me Physick to cure madness. Hah! am I mad— mad?

Be patient Tim—be patient—I think the Caudle has made you cholleric.

So now you vil se de effects off de Caudle, and off de yellow bile, de Colore—I say Maistre Turbulent you are mad, and vil be mad, and must go to de Betlem for de cure—and so fare de vel.

Rogue, Dog, Rascal, Knave, does he come here to abuse me.

Thou wilt do thy self hurt to strain thy self after thy Physick— thou shouldest not be angry—

Good Mrs. Sawciness, what! must you be prating too with your thees and thous?—

Let me alone—

I begin to be of the Doctors mind without a Syllogism; I think this is demonstration.

Good Tim. be not so angry—and Turbulent—

I will be angry— I will be Turbulent— and I'll make ye all know your selves, and that I have the Spirit of Government, I will be angry you shall see—

I think he's quite Mad —

I think your Uncle is mad within, his Wife and his Daughter can hardly hold him: will you go in and see to pacifie him— your Doctor Quibus has made him mad in telling him he would be mad— They are all together by the Ears, go in and part 'em.

Not I— the Divil part 'em for me— I intend to make 'em madder Pol. before night, for I intend to make him drunk —

Not now he has taken Physick—

Yes to choose — I hope the Doctor has purged away some of his Choler—good Pol. when you see the Coast clear give my Un­cle this Note from me— be sure you do not let my Aunt see it, nor any body else— be very private good Pol.— There's something for thee—

He shall he sure to have it. But I can't imagine how you'll get forth— there is to be a private meeting by and by—

'Tis no matter for that— I know I have a Charm in the Note— Profit—Advantage and Wine of free cost, that will bring him to me for all his Physick and his private Meeting — tho he were in the midst of his Railing, which he loves next to his Guts and Money. But be sure Pol. to have a care that my Aunt see you not give him the Note—

[Page 23]

I warrant you— you know I am trusty— (Calling within, Why Paul—Paul—Paul—) You had best sow me to your Wast-Band, here's a deal of calling and bawling upon Paul.

Why do they call thee Paul?

O! they have only turn'd my Heathen and Prophane Name, as they call it, of Pollux to Paul— after they had taken me I was like to have been discharged when they heard my Name was Pollux— hark, they call again — I must see what's the matter—

O Mr. Furnish am I so happy as to meet you here! What have I done to you that you come not near my Shop— is not Holborn in your way never?—

'Tis a dangerous Hill Mrs. Sly— I don't love to go that way.

You us'd to call often upon me when you went to your Taylors Mr. Snipwel in Fullers Rents— they say Mr. Furnish, you are very kind to his Wife— I protest I cannot but wonder you are so kind to an oldish Woman, as she is.—

I am kind to all, Mrs. Sly, old and young, fair and foul, all's one to me, when I'm in the humor; I have too much business to stand picking and choosing of Faces when I should need 'em—

When shall you receive money Mr. Furnish, my Chicken bid me to call upon you for the 40 s. for Oyl, and Anchovies, and O­lives and Capers— it has been now above a Twelve Moneth on the Book—

(Pox on her, I thought I had paid her sufficiently for that Score, and that she would not have the impudence to have asked me for this poor Sum— what will this World grow to at last.) Faith Mrs. Sly, I had quite forgot— I will call upon you one day or other— (I'll be even with this Jade for offering to ask me for Money.)

Do Mr. Furnish— you shall be heartily welcome.

But hark you Mrs. Sly— I have been often told of your Hus­bands railing against the Times and the Government, openly in his Shop, as if behind the Counter were a Priviledge-place, speaks and talks at a strange rate of Railing— I tell you on't for your good Mrs. Sly— I heard it talkt of — I fear you'll be informed against— and try'd up­on the Statute of Scandalum Magnatum.

Cannot Men speak in their own Houses but they must be troubled for it — is it not a very wicked Age— a dangerous time—

But why cannot you let the times alone, Mrs. Sly, and follow your Vocations and your Meetings, and let the King and his Councillors alone— what is that to your Oyl and the Olives, or to the Must­ard and Salt — I tell you out of kindness, does it bring in any profit?—

Yes by it we are known to the Godly, and it is as good as [Page 24] a Sign at the Door— my Shop is never empty—my Husband is an honest man—

Nay, this is something to the purpose, if you gain by railing— but for your husbands honesty pray Mrs. Sly brag not of that; for the People say he is a great Wencher.

Out upon them—He a Wencher—I don't find he is so able— they bely him fearfully—

'Tis true enough Mrs. Sly— He spends abroad to my know­ledge, which makes him so weak at home: You don't know what a sly man he is.

Do not scandalize my Chicken— He would not do such a thing for the whole World.

Nor you neither.)

He never goes out but to Meetings, I assure you. He haunts no ill places—not he—as I know on.

As you know on— Why, do you think he'll let you know on't? when you think he is hearing Mr. Thumper and Mr. Long-Lungs, he is in disguise picking up Wenches in Moor-fields.

Well Mr. Furnish, You may talk, but he is no such manner of Man—

Nay if you won't believe me, will you believe your own eyes— leave but the Shop to night, and dress your self up very modishly, put some Patches on those Pimples, and a Vizard Mask o're the face, and do you walk in the dark of the Evening this night, in the lower Walk, near the Old-Bedlam, and you shall see this precise Husband of yours, whom you think so devotedly hearing Mr. Long-Lungs, pick you up, and carry you to a Bawdy-House.

I'll give you a good Dish of Anchovis if it be so: I protest I'll try— But I can't believe it.

Try Mrs. Sly, and call me a thousand Rogues if it be not so— but be sure you go into the Popes-Head Tavern, and I'll be there to assist you—

And so I will— I'll see if he speaks truth.

How now Chicken, with whom have you left the Shop— had not you patience to stay till I came home?—

I left the Shop to be looked too by Brother Suck-Thumb, he's very honest, and I promised to send thee to him Chicken, that he may come to Mr. Turbulent.

Out upon't, leave Mr. Ahednego Suck-Thumb in the Shop, he's got into another World by this— out upon't, he's looking in the Moon, not to the Shop—(But I'll watch your water I'll warrant you —

Oh! it is the best and most diligent Wife as ever man had, Mr. Furnish— she's so careful of her Shop she's worth Gold—But Mr. Furnish, I think you have forgot the little debt you owe me for Com­modities?

[Page 17]

(Pox on him, he's dunning me too, but I'll stop his mout [...]—) I will pay it shortly Mr. Sly, I had forgot it indeed; but Mr. Sly, I hear a very ill report of your Wife, that she is continually railing against the Court-Ladies, and calls Westminster Sodom and Babel, preaches Lectures behind the Coun­ter against Patches and Painting, and against the Pride and the Vanity of the Ladies of the other end of the Town— and calls her betters Jeza­bels and Strumpets— Mr. Sly, I am afraid she will be inform'd against—

Alas poor Chicken!—she thinks no hurt, she does it out of pure zeal— Oh the iniquity of the times! — they are very enormous times truly Mr. Furnish.

Ay indeed, Mr. Sly, so they are, for People to pretend to Religi­on and have none, to go to Meetings and cheat at home, to speak against Swearing and Lye all day long, to Rail against Whoredom openly, and Kiss a Sister in private— very enormous times Mr. Sly—

Nay, they are the Wicked that do so.

Nay, they are the pretended sanctified Brethren that do so.

Why do you accuse the good People so falsly? do you think they are like you?

No Mr. Sly, I do that openly which you do privately, your Conscience knows that — but it is an abomination, yea a very great abomination and vileness in me, but in you 'tis but a backsliding, a slip and frailty of Nature.

Your Uncle will not own you in these accusations— I shall let him know you are of a vile spirit—

In the mean time I will let you know that your dear Chicken knows how to be even with you Mr. Sly.

Even with me! for what?

Oh, Oh—you know for what: she knows when to take her times— when you are hearing Mr. Windy and Mr. Little-sence, she knows how then to take a turn in Moor-fields, or so.

Oh! this is intollerable— don't scandalize my Chicken so, you had not best—

Why this 'tis to be incredulous— believe your own eyes, you are to go to the Meeting to night — when she thinks you fast, and you suppose her in the Shop, you may find her here walking in the lower Walk by the Popes-Head Tavern— and will take a Collation or so.

Can this be true Mr. Furnish, (And why mayn't she transgress as well as I?—) I have a good mind to be satisfied.

'Tis true as I tell you, I know those who have met her drest up in her Sunday-Cloathes, perfum'd with Rose-Cakes, a flaunting Tower on her head, and all those shining Pimples in her face, hidden under black Patches, a yellow Hood, and a Vizard to keep her self unknown— And in this very dress, if you please, you may meet her this night about twilight.

I would willingly satisfie my self—sure Chicken does not serve me so.

Come to me at the Popes-Head Tavern, and I'll furnish you with a Wigg, Hat and Campain Coat turn'd up with blew, so that she may not know you— and you shall pick her up your self, and bring her to the Tavern and be convinc'd that I tell you no lye—

[Page 24]

And I will— 'tis a business of much concern— if it be so, I find her Nature is frail, and she is not yet so perfect as I took her to be. Well Mr. Furnish, I'll meet you at the time— but I can't believe that Chicken is false to me. I'll go into Mr. Turbulent—

So he's gone to exercise his Lungs with my Uncle Turbulent, to Rail against the Government, and the abominable Prophanation of the Times, and to speak Treason in their little private Conventicle— He's a sweet Saint, but I hope to be even with him.

I see this is a dangerous place for me to enter into, here's dun af­ter dun—I can't shun him —

Mr. Furnish hey, your most humble Servant Mr. Furnish, 'tis a rare thing to see you hey—

Why so Mr. Cringe, I am not such a Monster.

No, but you are never at home— I have been at your house 40 times hey, and can never meet with you hey— I thought you had been a man of your word hey— did not you promise me the 100 Pound you owe me hey— without fail at Christmass last hey— and now it is July hey—

(I must put him besides this discourse) If you call on me to morrow or next day Mr Cringe, I will give you a Bill upon a Banker in Lumbard Street; but pray Mr. Cringe, how goes squares between my Cozen Lucia and you— when are you to be Married Man—

Why Mr. Furnish, 'tis a secret— but I'll tell you, it is sooner than she thinks for hey—

That's pretty, Marry and she not know it—what, you have got another Miss—

No, I have got a Licence ready, and Mr. Turbulent has promised I shall be married to her to morrow hey, He'll make her consent hey.

But do you think she loves you Mr. Cringe?

Oh yes, she loves me hugely hey.

Then you have the Art of Courtship— she's witty—

The Art of Courtship hey— I court her after the best and newest way of Courtship hey.

How's that?

Why in brave Heroick Verse—hey—just as the great Heroes do in the Play-House hey—

Then I see Mr. Cringe, you steal privately to Plays in the Afternoon, after you have been at a Meeting in the Morning.

I go only to see Civil, Heroic Plays hey—

Indeed that is a most excellent fashionable way of making Love. I'll tell you there is a Gentleman that I know, who is about to put all Cook upon Littleton into Heroicks, not blank Verse but Rimes, and would have engaged me to have spoken to my Lady Medler to get an order that the Law­yers should plead in Verse— why I think they might as well go to Law in Rime, as make Love in Rime, 'twould make the Lawyers the more satyrical.

That would be excellent. Cook hey! I'll have that Cook when it comes out hey.

But Mr. Cringe, shan't I see some of your Poetry—

[Page 21]

I have a Copy of Verses here, but they are not finished hey, and tho I say it, they are the best Heroicks that ever were wrote hey, and that's a bold word hey.

I hope they are not long— I do not love long Stories in Verse.

No, they are but a few hey— but you may judge by them, 'tis a Dialogue between Mrs. Lucia and my self hey.

A Dialogue: Oh! I love discoursing in Verse, 'tis excellent— come read it—

You must know hey, that Mrs. Lucia in a cross fit hey, would have had me not to love her hey— and you shall see how I have answered her hey— I protest in as high straines as ever were writ hey.

Pox on your preambles; read 'em—

Nay, I must make you understand hey— look ye hey, Lu. Well.— stands for Lucia Well-bred; and Fin. Crin. for Finical Cringe hey— now mark ye— Fin. Crin. begins—hem—Reads

Very good— a high strain.

Now Lu. Well—replies—hem—

Mark that hey— is it not excellent hey?

By my Faith (as Ben Johnson says) a very high vapour, 'tis a strain be­yond Ela Man—

Hem—hem— now Fin. Crin. replies,

Now Lu Well.— again— mark—

I do— (that you are a Ninny)

'Tis 'cause you don't—

She gives you good Counsel Mr. Cringe— but what's that half Verse, for with a long scratch was your Muse jaded—

Oh, 'tis the fashion to write so—in imitation of Virgil—

Whether there be any reason for it or no—

Prethe let me go on— you'll forget the sense hey, Mark how I answer hey, now Fin. Crin. again,

Alas poor weary Ass— an excellent Simile—

[Page 20]

Nay, Mark what Lu. Well. says—

Then Fin. Crin. replies with a smart Repartee hey—

That's beyond my comprehension.

Mark again— Lu. Well.—Speak then—

Why what have you been doing all this while, that she bids you speak now? have you been talking all this while Incognito?

Pray Mark, You are so Critical— hey

Do'ye Mark that long Pause hey, 'tis fine that, and modish, as she had granted me all things, and then to dash it all with a But again, But Love— hey is not that fine — But then Mark how I answer. Fin. Crin.—

But Love— Mark the long pause again hey

Why I thought you said you had not concluded them.

I do intend to make it longer hey, but for the present hey—

But for the present— they are long enough of Conscience, but I must tell you Mr. Cringe, that you are a very Plagiary, and have stole this most excellent Dialogue out of a Play eall'd Loves Triumph— I see you deal in Plays as well as Sermons Mr. Cringe.

I protest I am the most unfortunate man alive Mr. Furnish, 'tis a ve­ry Thievish Age, for that Author stole 'em from me hey— or else our fancies jumpt together hey—

It may be so Mr. Cringe—well I must take my leave of you—

Pray don't speak of these Verses to Mrs Lucia hey— I will sur­prise her with 'em hey— your Servant Mr. Furnish, your very humble Servant—

Go thy ways for a silly, finical, conventicling, versifying Ninne-hammer.

Cozen Lucia— how is't? God give you joy Couz, I hear you are to be married to morrow.

(How the Devil came he to know that) Yes—fo I am to day— and will be till I am married; who told you so?

Your own dear Love—

(Sure he was not so impudent) My Love who's that?

Why he that's to marry you to morrow, Mr. Cringe.

(Oh is it there, I had like to have committed a mistake) that's suddenly indeed, and I know nothing of it.

'Tis a Secret C [...]uz. but you see I make none of it to you—the Pop has got a Licence ready, and my Uncle has promised him to morrow, but I think you have more wit than to have such a Ninny.

[Page 21]

I thank you Cozen Furnish for this discovery, I see he drives hard, but I will prevent it— I must take another course with this Coxcomb, and play the fool with him no longer.

Did not you tell me Couz. that you would let me see my Uncles Armour of Brown Paper—But you are a Wag, and put it upon him—

In truth Couzen Furnish I told you no lye, for he spoyl'd me thtee Silver Thimbles in making it, and spent me 6 d. in Needles— He work'd harder than a Taylor before East r at it, for 6 Weeks lock'd up close in the Garrat, it is his own handy work every stitch on't, I'll assure you—

But what is it for?

You know he is terribly affraid of being laid up, or sent to Prison, for his Treasonable Speeches, his guilty Conscience tells him he deserves it, and though there's no danger at all, he and his Visioner has fram'd such dreadful fancies in their Heads, that he is afraid of his own shadow, and every noise of the Car-Men in the Street makes him fear a Massacre, or a Pursevant, and I know not what melancholly Chimera's.

But could he not have bought him Arms.

Oh no—His Covetousness would not let him do that— besides he was affraid he should have been suspected for a Plotter, if Arms had been found in his House.

But brown Paper would be but small defence to either Sword or Bullet.

I assure you he has made it Pistol Proof very near, and as to a Sword 'tis impenetrable.

'Fore Gad I long to see these famous Arms.

And that you shall at night, and him in 'em, if you will but disguise your self like a Pursevant, or an Officer of the Guards, and get two or three Red Coates, and Musquets and Bandeleers, with which [...]e'll furnish Hangby, Pol and one or two more, like Souldiers — and let me alone to fright him into his posture—

Faith, I have a design upon him, before night, but this pleases me so well, that I won't miss it— in the mean time Couz farewel — you shall see me at night—

Well Pol. what says Doctor Quibus?

He says he will be with you instantly, and swears Morble [...], the whole House is mad besides your self.

That's well— 'Tis to prove 'em mad I send for him— didst get the Certificate drawn fair that I scribl'd o're—

Yes, there 'tis—

This is to Certify all whom it may concern, That Mr. Timothy Turbulent, now dwelling in the lower Square in Moor-fields is not Compos mentis, but is de straught of his Senses, and fit for to be placed in the Charitable Hospital of Be­thlem for Cure.

I think 'tis well enough, this I'm sure Dr. Quibus will sign to, and for a Guinny I know I can have Doctor Plush's Hand.

[Page 20]

Ay, and that you and all the House are mad too for another Guinny.

Peace be unto yee—

And to you also—There goes the Seer—do they meet to day Pol—

Ay—ay—they are going to exercise; Mr. Rahshecca is there al­ready—But I shall shorten their Meeting by and by—I'le spoil it—

How

Oh, I have a Note from Mr. Furnish to fetch him to the Popes Head-Tavern—His good, dear Nephew knows how to charm him—But my old Mrs. must not know on't—

But I'le tell her on't, and send her like an Harpie among 'um—when they are in the midst of their sport—

Oh here's my finical fa—la—I'le make him change his Note in­stantly—I must leave fooling with this Fool.

[with many antick Ducks and Cringes] your Servant Madam Lucia, I kiss your fair hands hey—Mr Turbulent is going to be busie hey, and so I left him hey.

And so am I—therefore pray leave me too—

I am not so ill-bred Madam Lucia hey—what to leave a fair Lady hey, and my Mrs. hey.

Mr. Cringe take notice that I leave you now for altogether; and that the Farce between us is ended: I am quite tyred with your Puppet-play, and I will have no more on't.

I don't understand you Madam Lucia hey—

Then I'le make you understand me hey — mark me, if from this in­stant you ever come [...] offer me any of the paultry Heroicks, or to make love to me, or to speak, say, or pretend, that I am your Mistress, or offer so much as by dumb show, or with your grimaces to make any Court to me: If I can not beat thee my self, I will have thee soundly lambasted, and well-favourdly kicked by some body else—do you understand me now.

This is very plain hey—you are but in jest sure hey—

You had not best put it to the Tryal—youl find I am in earnest— and that I tell you this in true, keen, and downright lambicks, which is bet­ter than all your silly Heroicks.

Umh—this is tart hey—quite forsake me hey —

Yes, for rll you have got a License hey—

(Oh this wicked Mr. Furnish has told her of the License and spoil­ed all.)

Come I'le advise you for old acquaintance sake, since you have been at the charge of taking out a Licence, tis but scraping out my name Lucia Well-bred, and putting in my Cousin. Priscilla Turbulent, and all will be well again. She loves you, and there is 500 l. in Mr. Furnishes hand put out for her to my knowledg—Go I say, Court her, and get her; the business is half done already—for I swear to you Mr. Cringe, I would sooner lose all my [Page 17] portion, and let my Uncle Turbulent take it, than be married to such a sim­ple, nonsensical, sinical Ass as you are.

This is very plain Mrs. Well-bred—hey—

'Tis very true Mr. Cringe— (oh here she comes, if I could make these Extreams meet 'twould be excellent, and out of their disagreement frame an harmonious sound I should be a shee-Orpheus.

(I have a good mind to Court Mrs. Priscilla in very spight—that may make her come about hey—)

Cousin Priscilla I have been speaking a good word for you to Mr. Cringe here—he says he loves you very much — and I know you love him, he has many good parts: why should you not know one another bet­ter—Long Courtships, out of fashion—come Mr Cringe speak to her.

And so I will hey— (I don't care a pin for you Mr. Lucia fa la la la fal la la ly do you think I doted on you

hey—you are mistaken hey, and I will have Mrs. Priscilla, and she shall have your Portion hey—how do you like that hey—

Ay, ay, if you can get it—

(aside) I have a great fancy and desire for this man.

I like his fine, airy humour; it will do well to mix with my heavy temper. I had best provide for my self whilest I may.

Do you love me Mrs. Priscilla—hey

Thou sayest so.

But I would have you say so—hey—

Plainly if it would do thee any good to know it; verily I have a kindness for thee.

That is well hey—and I will also be kind to you from this time forth—hey

I (I have soon made an end of the business hey, this is to the pur­pose hey. I can round, round, like a horse in a Mill with Mrs. Lucia hey, and am now where just where I began hey—A fig for Mrs. Lucia — I'le get Mrs. Priscilla in earnest if she will but love Heroicks—)

But Mrs. Priscilla shall I shew you some Verses—won't you love Verses—)

They are very vain and abomianble, and used only among the pro­fane; they stink in the Nostrils of the Righteous.

Mrs. Priscilla we shall never agree if you will not let me write He­roicks, I shall never marry you.

I had best yield to him till I am married, and then I may convert him from that Pagan Trick of Versifying.

I will write Hymns and Lamentations.

Thou sayest well—plainly that will be very agreable to my dispensation—ha mayest write Hymns of Lamentation whilst the good people are under persecution.

(Calling within Pris. Pris. why Pris.) My mother calleth) Finical Cringe, I shall be passing, but I am thine in the Love.

[Page 24]

So, I have made a short hand of it hey — I shall get Mr. Turbulent's Daughter, and Mrs Lucia's Portion, for she'll Marry M^r. Fairlove hey, and then her Uncle won't give her a Groar hey— and so I shall have all— for he has no body else to give it to hey— a fig for Mrs. Lucia, hey, fal la la fa la la fa la—

Where is your Mistress Paul?

In her Chamber Sir.

What is she doing?

Cutting her Cornes.

Then she intends to go abroad to night—where is my daughter?

In her Chamber, reading a piece of Aristotle's Logick, call'd Problems, or hard Questions

Where is my Neece?

She is in her Chamber at work.

They are all well employ'd—go Sirrah, see that the Doors be lock'd fast and bolted, let the outer Windows be shut up, that the sound of the Voice may not go forth—and be sure to stand at the Door that no body interrupt us, and give us notice if any come near—be you on your watch Sirrah—'tis dangerous times friends, and 'tis wisdom to be cautious. Brother Suck-Thumb set down—

Come set down, this is the most

private Room in the House we may speak free. — Are not these sad times Brother Rabsheka, that we must skulk thus in holes and corners— Oh the good times of Nerva, when every one might think what he pleased, and speak what he thought, and ne­ver be questioned fort oh that was a gracious Heathen Emperor—

Or the good times of the Rump, when any one might rail against Kingly Government, and the idols of Monarcy, without check or controul. I tell you Brother Turbulent, it is a great tribulation to have ones zeal quenched —

Ay Brother, so that we are fain to whisper in the Closet, when we should cry on the house-tops

Whilst the Nimrods, the Nebuchadnezzars, the Balshazers, and the oppressing Pharaohs ride in their Chariots, and on their Horses.

Whilst the Jezabels and the Atha­lias run about like wild Colts, snuffing up the Wind.

And yet we must be silent and our mouths must be muzzled that we may not bray against those sad abominations— But I will speak, and I must speak, and I cannot but speak against Monarchy, which is the very tail of the Beast, that arises up with seven heads out of the Bottomless Pit.

'Tis the Idol of the World and ought to be pull'd down, and laid in the Dust—It must be overturn'd—overturn'd—overturn'd—

For it permits the wicked and abominable men to do what is good in their own eyes— and suppresses the fiery zeal, and the zealous fury of those who stand up for Reformation.

And suffers the gathering together of Minstrels, and the noise of the Flutes, and the tinkling Cymbals in the Streets.

And the Mor [...]is-dancers and the Rope-Dancers, the Puppet-Plays—the Bull-bating, the Bear-bating, the Horse-Races, and the Cards, and the Dice, oh abominable!

And the Players of Interludes, and the Men and the Women singers.

But Babylon must fall — must tumble, must be pulled down—

And it shall fall, and it shall tumble, and it shall be pulled down—

peace, brother Suck-Thumb has seen a Vision, he is about to speak— Br [...]ther Abednego what hast thou seen—

I was carried out of this carnal body into the World in the Moon and there I beheld a great Tree, whose Branches overspread the face of the earth. On the top of this Tree sat an Eagle, and a Crown upon his Head — And there came a mighty Dragon out of a River, running at the foot of this Tree, and Fire came out at his mouth, and he devoured the Tree, and the Eagle thereon.

Oh wonderful! hast thou the interpretation of this Vision given to thee?—

Not yet— it may be revealed—

'Tis from my Nephew Furnish, I hope he has got some money for me— Dear U [...]cle, I must needs speak with you about a very great concern and advantage to you. I am at the Popes-Head-Tavern, near your house, where I have got ready a Pottle of butter'd Sack, because I heard you had taken Physick; make hast, and let not my Aunt know of it. Your loving Nephew Furn. Friends I have a very great concern that calls me away at this time, but we will meet again—

And I have also at this time some extraordinary business to go to Mr. Furnish.

Peace be with you— I shall retire into the silence and wait—

The Third Act. The Scene a Tavern.

WHy, thou art dress'd in Quirpo — and so metamorpho­zed, that no body can know thee —

The right Cut of an Amsterdam Brother —

But you must alter your Voice —

I have the right twang of the Nose — let me alone for both whine and goggle.

Thou art a pure Rogue — what shall your name be?

Oh! Peregrine Pricket —

It sounds well — this Uncle of mine is at his Exercise, he'll hardly be here yet this hour.

Oh, here's Grin Sneak, he won't know you in this Dress, — let's sport with the Fool a while.

Are you busie Mr. Furnish? —

No Grin. — (Aside to Sneak) Oh Sirrah, I have met with one of the rarest Fellows in the World for Projects; — but he is a Stranger, and you may make your self by him — he wants some body to promote his Business.

Say you so — let me alone for that — you know my Lady Medler is my true Friend —

Mr. Peregrine Pricket, pray know this Gentleman, Sir — he is of my Acquaintance — you'll find him a very ingenious Man, and one who is a great Vertuoso, and lover of Rarities — one that has spent his whole Life in sinding out rare Inventions.

You give him a friendly Character — Sir, your humble Ser­vant — I am blunt, Sir, and a Traveller.

Your Servant Sir, I shall be happy in the Acquaintance of such an ingenious man, as I understand you are: I have made it my business Sir, to find out many things for the good of the Common­wealth — But of all, I am pleas'd with one thing that I am now un­dertaking, that will make England happy, and will cause the Act of Burying in Woollen to be repealed.

That would do well, and be a great ease to the Heart of many an old Woman, who weeps and laments o're her lace Cut-work Smock, that has been laid up in Lavender for fifty years, to be buried in, and now must be wrapt in Woollen.

[Page 42]

Indeed that is a beneficial Project — but I have one that will be much more beneficial to my self, and to all the Land of Eng­land, Scotland and Ireland — I can take a Partner in with me; and yet upon the dividend reserve 20000 pounds to my self—

(— Oh God, this is a rare Fellow—I will get in with him—) Mr. Pricker (I think Mr. Furnish calls you) pray let us confer Notes to­gether over a glass of Wine — Knocks —

Sirrah, fetch a Bottle of the best Claret —

Jack, if my Uncle Turbulent comes to enquire for me, give me notice —

I shall Sir.

This Rogue has not Money to pay for this Bottle of Wine, and yet the joy of meeting this Projector, has put him into a Rapture, and given him some Confidence — who else is the sneaking'st Puppy in the World —

Well Gentlemen, sit down, and be plain with one another like friends.

I shall not be thy Servant — look you here Sir, do you see this Lock of curious fine Flax, of which they may make Sisters Thread — and yet this Flax is made of the coursest Hemp in England —

Indeed Sir, 'tis very fine — but when I was in Flanders, I met with a certain Dutchman, that made just such out of Nettle Stalks, and was crying an hundred pound weight of Nettle-Seed, to sow all the Fields about Bruges, of which he intended to make the finest sort of Cambricks —

That was extraordinary — of this Sir, I intend to make fine Holland, and by which I shall get de claro, sixty pound a week, and so improve the Manufacture of Linnen in England that it shall be so plen­tiful within a few Years, that they shall be glad to bury it again un­der ground.

Mr. Peregrine, I think now he will out-do you —

Pray Sir, I confess he goes beyond me in Manufactures; but I assure you, I can go beyond him, or any man else at the Handy­craft Trade. I have made a Wimble to bore Hairs, which I can do so exactly, by the help of a Microscope, that it caused the great Admira­tion of several Vertuoso's

But of what use can that be? I love things that are beneficial to a Commonwealth.

Oh Sir, they are to make treble Flagellets for Ladies, that they may not spoil their mouths with the great ones —

But this is but of little benefit to your self — mine will bring me in 60 l. a week —

That I confess was by the by; but my great Project that [Page 43] will make us both rich, and which I have been this 17 years about, is an admirable Flea-trap, a Benefit the Commonwealth never yet re­ceived from all the Vertuoso's.

But the Profit as to us still? —

I'll make it plain to you — there are so many thousand Houses in England, now every House shall have one of these Traps for 1 s. a year, which I will be bound to furnish them with; now what Family in England would not be glad to have such a Trap, to catch all their Fleas? They would think it the best shilling that ever was gi­ven in their Lives, and pay it willinglier than Hearth-money—

'Fore Gad, 'tis a rare Invention, and exceeding beneficial! but have you made Tryal of it?

Yes—Yes— I have a Compost of a strange faculty, which will draw all the Fleas in the House into the Trap — I made Tryal of it the other day for a Wager, and enticed a Flea out of a Ladies warm Bosom, which a Gentleman had made a Copy of Verses on—

That was admirable— I will speak to my Lady Medlar to get a Patent, that none shall make of these Traps for seven years but your self.

Why, that's it I would have, and judge you if there be but 500000 Houses in England (as there are the Lord knows how many more) and that we have twelve pence a House yearly, to what a brave Estate it will amount; and this also may be got for Scotland and Ire­land, perhaps at 2 s. a Trap, because they want them more; you shall go halves with me—

And I'll get it done for you I'll warrant you — I have great Interest at Court, and I'll make it my business—

This was a happy encounter, and the most feasible and rationable I ever under­took.

Sir, Mr. Turbulent is below, shall I send him up?

Ay, ay — send him up Sirrah, is the Pottle of Butter'd Sack ready I spoke for?

Yes Sir.

Bring it up, and some Manchets to sop in it — shew these Gentlemen another Room, you Rogue. Go Gentlemen, and discourse your Affairs in the next Room, till I have occasion for you.

I must first mollifie the Heart of my dear Uncle, before I can attempt my Business, and he will not drink with Strangers — Oh here comes the Sick Man —

Coughs, ugh—ugh—ugh— Nephew, you are a strange man, to send for me out of Doors, when I have taken Physick, ugh—ugh— ugh— I fear I have gotten Cold already, that I have—

[Page 44]

Come Uncle, I have got some good butter'd Sherry; 'tis the best thing in the world after an Emettic. Boy, bring Wine and Manchets.

Your Docter Quibus thinks I'm mad, and gives me Pills of Hel­lebore to cure me—Let me tell you, he's a very ignorant abusive Fellow, that he is.

A mere Quack—but he has rare medecines. Come let him go— Uncle, here's a good draught to you — 'twill breed good bloud—

'Tis pure good and comfortable—'tis very hot

But Nephew, what is the earnest business you sent for me about?

I'll tell you anon— Drink off your Cup first; 'tis good to keep out the cold—

Well Nephew, I'll drink to you—

'tis very extraor­dinary good—

I'm glad you like it, Uncle—

But Nephew, when shall I have the 500 l. you have promised me. If none thrive better by merchandizing than I did, there will be few Aldermen.

Well Uncle, I shall pay you all very shortly with 30 per cent. In­terest—You will see me in a very fair way to be Lord Mayor of London.

Would I could, Boy—I always had a kindness for thee—

'Tis so hot it makes me sweat.

(It begins to make him glow already—How he sucks it down!—) 'Tis very good Uncle; you don't drink—Come a Health to my Aunt.

Pish, an old woman without teeth—I'll drink no Healths; but if you'll begin a Remembrance to my Lady Medler, I'll pledge you—Oh that's a very loving Lady, and the best of a Court Lady I ever met with.

Come away then, here's to her.

I'll think of her.

He begins to be warm.

Come Uncle, t'other dish, and I'll tell you my business.

Come then, under the Rose, to your Mistress.

Well remember'd— Bravely done— I'll pledge you a Brim­mer.

Truly methinks it has done me good—hem—hem—'tis a very excellent Creature— it cheers the heart— you can't think how light I am—But your business?

I am always studying your good Uncle — A Cat does not watch so diligently for a Mouse, as I do for opportunities of serving you—Nay If you won't drink I won't tell you any more.

I do Nephew—come what is it?

I have met with a Gentleman of Cumberland one Mr. Peregrine Pricket, who has been in Holland these 7 years; his Father was a great Olivarian, and he is of the right stamp a Commonwealths man; his fa­ther died this last Christmass, and has left him 400 l. a year, which he is now going to take possession of.

[Page 45]

And what's all this to me?

Nay, if you han't Patience to hear — why, he's a Batche­lor, and wants a Wife; I having a great Intimacy with him, have recommended my Cousin Priscilla to him, and let him know, I had 500 l. of hers in my Hand, put out for her Portion — and he promised me to meet me here by and by — for which end I sent for you, that you might see him, and discourse about it.

Four hundred pound a year say you —

Ay, four hundred pound a year, and one also to your hearts wish — He has been bred up so long in Amsterdam, that he says, the very smell of Monarchical Air, makes him sick, and is ranker in his Nostrils than Lamp Oyl, or stinking Butter.

That's a man cut out for me — but will he rail bravely a­gainst the Times? Hah! may a man speak freely to him without fear—

Oh, 'tis his whole delight; 'tis the true Liberty of a Butter-Box — He'll speak against Governors and Magistrates, as if they were Scavengers or Chimney-sweepers — and as reverently of Prin­ces and Lords, as if they were Tapsters and Hostlers —

A rare Fellow — I love him already — but you know Prist. is a Quaker — how will he like that?

'Twill please him the better, he is a Muggletonian; and as for manners, has as little as any Quaker of them all, and as for Thee and Thou, he says, it was the Language of Adam and Ev [...]—

A rare Fellow indeed — better and better

Well Dear, Dear, loving Nephew, I can't but hug thee for this news — This w llcome Tidings, and the good Wine has chear'd my Heart— Come Nephew, have you forgot all your Old Songs—

No Uncle, I will sing any that you like.

Oh sing the Hymn of the High-way-man —

What — I keep my Horse, I keep my Whore?

I, that— that—

(So now it begins to work — what pains am I fain to take, to open the close-lock'd-heart of this covetous Uncle of mine) well i'll sing it Uncle.

Oh that once again, dear Nephew — Sings, but when I knock, &c.—

(Bid the Gentlemen in the next Room come in, I have wrought him up to the right Cue —now can I mould him like Wax.)

Oh Uncle, here's the Gentleman I spoke to you of.

Mr. Peregrine Pricket — your Servant Sir — This is my Uncle Sir I spoke to you of.

Sir I shall be happy to be made known to you.

I have heard of your worth Sir, by my good Nephew, here, will you sit Sir, and do as we do? I was not very well, and my good Nephew has provided for me some butter'd Sack — Sir, here's to you.

Mr. Furnish has promised to furnish me with a Commodity that I want — a Wife Sir — and has told me of a Daughter of yours, Mrs. Priscilla, I think he call'd her, a very Religious and God­ly Virgin — 'Tis my desire, Sir, to marry into a Religious Family— I am newly come to my Estate, and will settle 200 l. a year Joynture: As for her Portion, I know it already, I dare take Mr. Furnishe's word for it.

I see Sir, we shan't be long a making up this Match; I like you, and your Estate, and you like me and the Portion; now if you and my Daughter like one another, the Business is done.

No question but I shall like her, I have heard so much of her many Excellencies and good Qualities; the worst that I know of her, is her Skill in Logic; I do not love to have my Wife have more Logic than I; she'll say or do any thing, and prove it by Logic.

Indeed you say true— I have told her often of it, and that she should not love Reason so well — Indeed I must confess, Logic is her worst fault — but when she is married, you'll find other Bu­siness for her than poring in Logic Books.

I was a while at School at Leyden, and if I can remember a­ny of my Old Lessons, I'll Court her that way —

that will win her Heart — but 'tis no matter, Mr. Pricket, I have the Spirit of Government, and steer the Helm of the Common­wealth in my own Family — she shall have you — like or like not —and it shall be as I please—I am the Speaker in my Family.

But that will be too tyrannical to compell her — but if there be the major Voices of the Family, I think she may then be lawfully compelled —

[Page 47]

You say very well, and it shall go by your Voices — I see you are a true Commonwealths-man — But we live in sad times—

Ay, Times of Aegyptian Darkness.

Whilst Men eat, and drink, and rise-up to play —

Till their Eyes cannot look out with Fatness.

They wallow in the Puddle of Filthiness.

And roll themselves in the Sink of Sin — Oh, the Riot­ousness and Wickedness of this Age —

The Villanies, the Whoredoms, the Fornications, the Adulte­ries, the Pride, Folly, and Vain-glory of this Age.

This wanton, luxurious, exorbitant, abominable, scurri­lous, cheating, bribing, cousining, and treacherous Age —

This libidinous, licentious, lacivious, lying, lazie, latitudi­narian Age—

(He has a most run me out of Breath—He is too well pra­ctic'd at this sport) well Sir, in the mean time, here's to you—I'll ha your Daughter, and Joynter her bravely—

Oh Sir. Mr. Furnish is taken below with an Execution, and the Serjants are having him away to Prison —

What ill Chance is this—just as I am about the preferment of my Daughter—

Uncle if you don't help me at this pinch I am undone—I had got Money to have paid this, but only my promise to meet Mr. Pricket and you here made me neglect it—

'Tis but for 50 l. don't spoil your Daughter's Fortune, and play the Fool to deny it—He shall be bound with me to you for it—

You are a strange man that you are—I protested and vow'd, I'de nere lend you any more, and yet you have such fetches—I think I'm bewitch'd with you.

Speak softly—don't spoil your Daughters Fortune for 50 l. he has 400 l. a Year, I know he'll be bound, but has no Money at pre­sent—

If he'll be bound with you and Mr. Sneak; I'll do it for this once—

Thank you Uncle—Well Serjants, if you'll go into the next Room and call for a Bottle of Wine, I'le give you a Note to receive the Money. and pay you for your Civility—

We will Sir—

If I had not made him drunk, he would have let me agon to Tiburn, before he would have parted with 50 l. and spoil'd his Daughter Priscis Fortune to boot—

But where hadst thou these counterfeit Serjants so readily—

Oh I had them ready at hand—I had lai'd my design—now second me—

[Page 48]

Well Uncle, I have perswaded Mr. Pricket and Mr. Sneake to be bound with me to you in a 100 l. Bond for the payment of 50—I have a Blank Bond ready—I'll fil it up—and do you in the mean time draw a Note upon Mr. Scrible your Scrivener, that will serve—

Well Nephew you are the strangest man, I know not how to deny you any thing—but what time?—Nephew, set your day and be punctual.

I'll desire it but for a Month, and you shall have 20 s. and a Collation when I pay it, for your kindness.

Well fill up the Bond—

Oh Mr. Turbulent, Mr. Turbulent, I am sorry at heart, and grieved in Spirit to see you within the walls of a vile and abominable Ta­vern—I am afraid it is as Dr. Quibus says, you are not in your right Senses, to set your foot within this unsanctified and Anti Christian House, this Image of Babel. Does not Anti Christ hang out at the door for a Sign, the very Image of the Beast, with his Trible Crown, and the Bush of the Babylonish Whore hanging before him: Oh Mr. Turbulent it is abominable, and you are become defiled—

What a mischief is this—the Devil has outwitted me, and sent this Furie before the Bond was seal'd—

What is this you are doing—are you entering indeed in­to more Bond [...]—Oh that wicked, cursed, abominable Nephew of yours, that will utterly undo you at last, and leave you not worth one groat—He has already drawn you into so many Bonds and Obligations, that you'll have nothing ere long, but must be fain to beg thorow the Grate at Ludgate—

Good Aunt be pacified—

I won't be pacified, and he shall not be bound in Bonds, and I will see what it is, and I will look on it my self—

You're an Ass, and Fool, meddle with your own matters, and go about your business, who sent for you hither—

This is my business, and this my matters, and I will see what 'tis—

You're a Fool, 'tis Latin and you can't understand it.

You're a Coxcomb, I understand it as well as your self— but I'll tell you, 'tis the Language of the Beast, and one of the Confusi­ons of Babel; reads Noverint university—

Away you old doting Dunce, read the Condition let the Bond alone.

[Page 49]

I will not read the Condition, I will have no Conditions, and there shall be no Bonds; and if I can't read it I'll carry it to my bro­ther Mopus of Grays Inn, and he shall read it— Reads Noverint univer­sity; I thought what 'twas.

'Tis not university.

'Tis university—and the wicked, abominable universities, where the Youth are trained up in all the vile Languages of Babel.

So her Eyes are gone, I hope—they are broke—would she were choak'd—Good Aunt, drink a Glass of wine, 'twill stop your Coughing; you speak too fast.

I'll drink none of your unsanctified liquor of the Devil's brewing, that causes Drunkenness, Fornication, Whoredom, Adultery, Fightings, Brawlings, Cheatings, Trepannings, Cozenings, and all the villany and abomination that is committed in these lewd houses of Sin, Iniquity, and Pollution— Coughs again— Oh get me a little water—

Yes very good, from Annisacleer, the best as ere you drank.

Fetch me some quickly—

You Rogue, bring up a Bottle of White-wine and a Beer-glass. —quickly Sirrah, no water.

Mr. Turbulent, I fear you cannot well steer the Helm of Go­vernment in your own family; Mrs. Turbulent is very rough, she seems not to be satisfied.

I will let her alone here, but when she comes home I will re­prove her in the heat of my zeal, and she shall be satisfied.

Here Aunt, here is a Glass of water—but I should think you had better drink wine.

Not in this unhallowed place—I think this water is not very clear.

'Tis very good, drink it up.

'Tis very good water, and relishes well—where do you get this water?

We have it come into the Cellar in Pipes.

My Pipe-water is not half so good as this; Mr. Turbulent, I will have of the same water as this is, 'tis very pleasant tasted water.

Oh Mr. Turbulent, thou art overcome with the creature; thou hast committed vileness in the sight of the people, and drunk beyond thy measure—

Hold your prating, you will spoil your Daughters preferment— Hark, I tell you the business.

Here Aunt, stop the coughing— I hope 'twill mollifie the irascible quality.

[Page 49]

Oh this filthy Cough — it interrupts me — give me the Water —

Would it would choak thee too for me — Is it not good Water? —

Oh 'tis very excellent Water — is it as Mr. Turbulent tells me? —

Yes—Yes— he has 400 l. a Year, and offers to Joynter my Cousin in 200 l. and you had like to spoil all —

Nay, if it be so, I shall rest satisfied —

(God a mercy Wine, she would not hear before— I find it is of a mollifying Nature) give another Glass of Water to my Aunt; Doctor Quibus says it is very good against the Cough.

And he is a very Learned Doctor, I assure you.

Boy, Drawer — shew me another Room where there is a Bed, I must lie down a little—

I will Sir —

Lead me Boy —

Bless me, my Uncle is stole out to take a Nap; if he grows sober, he'll ne're sign the Note I have drawn for the 50 l. — Come Hangby, let's follow him and get it done while he's in the Humor.

I do intend to make Mrs. Priscilla my wedded Wife.

Indeed Sir, I understand as much — I was too passio­nate, and did not understand your worth, and that you were not one of the wicked of the Earth; but selected from this Generation of Vi­pers—

It was the Cause of Matrimony that drew me into this place, and engaged me into the Temples of the Ungodly —

I am extreamly satisfied in your Behavior and Company — Where's Mr. Turbulent?

He's gone to lie down a little on the Bed in the next Room— Let us get him to sign the Bond to my Uncle presently—

Mr. Pricket, let us go in to Mr. Turbulent — I will send for my Daughter Prisc. for once into the place—thou hast made the House of Uncleanness pure by thy Presence. Shew us the way, Ne­phew Furnish —

Will you tell Mr. Furnish I am here, and desire to speak with him?

presently Sir.

I shall now see whether he accuses my Chicken falsly — I [...]m something hard of Belief — yet I may judge of her by my own Frailty; all Flesh is subject to back-sliding.

You see I am come Mr. Furnish, I walk'd round the Walk and could not see my Chicken, I believe you scandalize her—

[Page 50]

That you shall know presently—Boy, fetch me the Periwig Hat, and Coat I gave you to lay up.

I shall. Sir.

You will find your error, Mr. Sly, that you should not believe your self a Cukold — Do you think your blew-apron'd Shopkeepers wives to be more chast than the Court Ladies?—I'll convince you.

Nay, you shall have a Sword too, else perhaps she'll refuse you—You shall have mine.

I think she can't know me.

No, not if you alter a little the squeeking of your voice—You must speak little—You'll find her willing without much courting— Come hither Mr. Sly, look yonder▪— what think you of that Gentle­woman?

I protest and vow 'tis tny Chicken, I know her by her amble; 'tis the right motion of her Buttocks— I'll be with her — pre­sently—

So, you have the Note for the 50 l.

Safe enough, Boy— and will have the money to morrow mor­ning; but where's my Aunt?

She is within, and grown the kindest loving Soul as ever you knew—I was fain to steal out to get a little breath— she has sent for her daughter Pris too.

Go in again, I have a little business with this Gentlewoman; I'll come to you instantly.

Well Mr. Furnish, I have walk'd twice round and can't meet my Chicken— there's never such a man as you describ'd him to be.

No!—come hither Mrs. Sly, look yonder, what think you of that Gallant with along tail trailing after him?

Ods heartlikins 'tis my Chicken, I know him by his Dog­trot and Spindle-shank'd Legs—'tis he, I'll to him—Have I caught you indeed!

Come Nephew, why do you leave us? we can't be without your good company.

I was just a coming, having dispatch'd an affair of conse­quence—where's Mr. Sneak?

I have sent him for my daughter Pris—Mr. Pricket shall see her, that he shall.

Oh here she comes—

Daughter, I have brought a Gentleman to be acquainted with you—

[Page 52]

Nay—thou hast sent for me to be acquainted with him— thou makest not a true proposition.

Gossip, you had best tell me I lie.

I say it not — thou mayst say it — But what seeketh this man?

Mrs. Priscilla, I seek thee for my wedded wife, that is the end of my seeking. What sayst thou, dost thou like me?

Thy proposition is not Hypothetical.

But it is Hypothetical, and may be either Conditional, Copu­lative, or Disjunctive.

He speaks rationally—thou sayst well, what is thy name?

I am called Peregrine Prick [...]t.

I like not thy name.

Are you chopping Logick indeed?—I'll make you like both his name and him too.

Pray Sir, be not in the postpredicament of opposition—she mistakes the genus of my name—But Mrs. Priscilla, nomen is quasi no­tamen, a certain Image by which the King is known, and is the vocabu­lum proprium whereby we name a thing; or vocabulum quodlibet, by which something is understood. I am called Peregrine Pricket, that is a Travelling Buck.

Thou hast spoken demonstratively, and I am reconciled to thy sense. But in what Relation dost thou stand?

[This is a rare Wench, she'll do in Logic.] I shall tell you my business in a Categorical proposition.

Let it then consist as it ought, of one Subject, one Predicate, and one Copula.

Shitten come shites, leave your Moods and the Figures of your Copula's y'had best, and go to the business: do you like Mr. Pricket for a Husband?

Thy question may be determined universally, singularly, or par­ticularly.

You're an universal, singular, and particular crack-brain'd Baggage, I'll make you know me and leave disputing.

I fear thou art disguised, and hast taken too much of the crea­ture, and drank of the polluted Springs which flow in these Cellars of the wicked.

Have I caught you indeed!—Oh you Harlot!

Have I found out your haunts you wicked whoremaster Rogue?

Oh you cunning Gipsie, this shan't serve your turn.

Oh you beastly Hypocrite! what make you in this dis­guise, with these Babylonish Garments, and the Sword of Perdition by thy side hunting after the Harlots in the twilight?

Oh you painted Jezabel, with the Devils Patches on thy Face, and the frizled Hair on thy Forehead, that standest here at the Cor­ners of the Walls, to draw Young Men to Lewdness — Oh thou Midianitish Woman!

[Page 53]

Oh thou lustful Zimri — Thou abominable Philistine!

I thought thou had'st been looking to thy Shop.

I thought thou had'st been hearing Mr. Windy—

Yes, you thought me safe enough, you Strumpet —

Ay, you thought me fast enough, you Villain.

Did I take pity of you for this, when you ran about to all the Meetings in Town, to get a Husband, and left off your vain At­tire, and put your self into the precise Cut and Form — but I see you were a rank Hypocrite — Oh you lustful Woman — am I one to make a Cuckold of?

Away you pretended Zealot — let me tear out his Eyes —

I am amazed— Oh Mr. Rabshecah

— I am amused to see thee transformed into the Sh [...]pe of the Unrighteous; it will be a Scandal to all the good People: The Weekly Pamphlets will revile thee— Oh Brother, thou art fallen —

Why d'ye accuse me, that art worse thy self, I see thou art drunken, and wallowest in thy Iniquity — Was it for this Mr. Tur­bulent, you were in such haste to break up the Meeting, to come in­to this lewd place? —

Hah, hah, hah, hay — How these Hypocrites begin to lay open themselves! How often have they lick'd one another, as Bears do their Cubbs, into a shape of Sanctity; or as Horses, nabbing one a­nother, with the Delight of railing at the Wicked? And now—

They turn their Insides outward, and appear in their true shapes — a formal Saint without, a very Beast within —

Mr. Prick [...]t, pray be not scandalized at these things — I perceive 'tis the Frailty of the Flesh, and they are both fallen from their first Station.

I so they are, they have found one another faulty, it is best to make up the Breach.

Phillipasly, Thou art in the same Predicament with thy Hus­band, you are both disguised, therefore thou oughtest not to exclaim, but let the matter be sifted by Division and Sub-division, that so the Truth may be found out—

Prittle—prattle—let me alone—leave me, don't hold me; let me come at the Whore-master-rogue; I will give him a Mark: I will strip him of his wicked Habiliments —

Come, take 'em away to Justice Right-or-wrong, away with 'em; do they come here to make a Disturbance, and to bring a Scan­dal upon my House? Away with 'em both Mr. Constable — the Ju­stice will find out the matter —

Hah, hah, hah— I think I am even with 'em

[Page 53]

This is the place of Confusion, I will retire— Mr. Pricket, I hope you will come to my House; we shall there discourse matters betters —

I shall not fail to visit you —

Come Mr. Turbulent, let us depart in peace; I am sorry for the falling away of Brother Sly — his Gifts were many —

I will go with you —

Mr. Sneak, pray do the kind Office for me, as to wait on my Aunt home — I have a little Business with Mr. Pricket —

Nephew, good Night — Mr. Pricket, I shall be glad to see you at my House —

I shall wait on you to morrow —

Ay, that you shall to night—you Rogue.

This 50 l. was easily got, I was damnably afraid of it, when I saw the Dragoness my Aunt come in — Come in, I have another Shape to put thee in to night — Come away—

The Fourth Act. The Scene Mr. Turbulent's House.

WEll Frank, since 'tis so decreed; and that the Law of thy own Will has pass'd upon thee, I will be so much a Friend, as not to leave thee till I see the Execution of Matrimony executed.

And my Body fairly bestow'd in the Arms of Lucia.

Let it be so then; I'll see thee fairly noos'd, and then buried, and so I'll leave thee — The Report you have given me of this House, makes me afraid of Hobgoblins.

They are all abroad, and my Angel Lucia left its Guardian only at this time.

I dread that Finical Fellow Cringe —

Prethee learn to laugh at the Follies of the World as I do; for me thinks, nothing can be more ridiculous, than to see a man an­gry with Apes and Monkies, for acting their Natures; I tell thee they are made on purpose to make wise men laugh.

I know not what Temper my Spleen is made on; but they ra­ther turn my Stomach, than make me smile.

You see, dear Lucy, I am diligent to obey your Commands.

You do but set me a Pattern of what I must do all my Life time after to morrow.

[Page 54]

But what necessity is there, Madam, that both of you must be so heavily yoak'd? Can't you keep together in a fair Pasture, with­out a Clog about your Heels, or a Yoak about your Necks — 'Faith Madam, if you'd follow my Advice, you should take one anothers Words.

I doubt, Mr. Friendly, you would hardly put out 1000 l. without some other Security than the bare word of your Trustee; and though I dare trust all my dearest Concerns into the Hands of Mr. Fairlove, upon the Security of his Word; yet since it is customable for Form-sake, we will enterchangeably enter into the Bonds of Matrimony.

I see you are resolv'd, and that no Reasons nor Persuasions can change you. This Custom is a plaguy thing: There's no Reme­dy for Time out of mind; because our Fathers and Mothers, and great, great Grand-fathers and Grand-mothers wore those Bonds of Marriage, we must.

Prethee Friendly, leave off, did not you promise me you would say no more?

'Tis hard to see you on a Precipice, and not warn you of it — I'll say no more, here's my Hand on't; but I'll go with you, as one Friend does with another, that is, going to the Gallows, with a great deal of Grief and Compassion, to see you fairly Halter'd.

Madam Lucia, your Uncle and Aunt are returned from the Ta­vern; but so chirping and merry, their Eyes twincle, their Tongu [...]s run, and their Faces shine, that you would scarce think them the same turbulent, noysom Creatures they use to be.

This Furnish has spoil'd my Design. But 'tis my Admiration by what Charm he could unite them so lovingly.

Oh you know not the Charms of Wine, as they can make the greatest Friends fall out; so they can reconcile the stubbornest Foes, Man and Wife.

I must set them ag [...]in at Odds, or I shan't work my Intenti­on — I know how to do it.

Prethee let us be gone, I would not see these Hobgoblins.

No, Mr. Friendly, you shall bear Mr. Fairlove Company a while—Pollun, light them into that Parlor, a while, it shall not be long e're I wait on you again.

Madam Lucia, your humble Servant —

Oh Mr. Grin Sneak, your Servant — what a foot still, and in Old Cloaths? Do none of your Projects hit yet? Where stick they, Mr. Sneak? —

Well Madam, we shall be happy at last — I'm in a fair way—

To Beggery.

But Mr. Sneak, I have met with a man, that has been this forty [Page 56] eight years studying a rare Project, and indeed, one that will be be­neficial to all Curious Persons; and especially to Travellers; and he tells me, that now at last he has attained it; and that he shall have perfected his Design by that time the Patent can be got for it.

Pray, Madam, what is this rare Invention you speak of?

Why, the Invention is extraordinary, it is a pair of Wings to fly into the Moon.

Why, that is not possible.

How unreasonable you are now, not to believe another, and yet impose as impossible things on the Faith of others? And to tell you very freely, Mr. Sneak, my thoughts are, 'twill be sooner effected than most of those things you dream of: For you cannot but know, that Dedalus and Icarus could fly half way to the Moon; and of seve­ral others, that could fly from high Towers, like Kites, or Eagles.

Indeed, it would be an admirable way of Travelling; I'll speak to my Lady Medler about the Patent.

'Tis good to speak in time: It will be of extraordinary Be­nefit to you; and I hope, worth the Vertuoso's while, labor and pains. He has studied all the Mathematicks, and run thorow the Philosophy of Atoms, of Weight and Gravity; weighed all sorts of Air, and lain whole days on his Back, to observe the Motions of Kites, Swallows, Doves, Batts, and Butterflies, making Comments and Observations on their several Motions; and now at last Mr. Sneak, this Flying Man, having brought his Wings to perfection, intends to visit the Moon shortly.

Let me advise him to get a Patent before he goes, and to com­municate his Art to one, least he should miscarry: For I look upon the Voyage far more dangerous than that of Columbus, when he went in ursuit of the other World.

As to the last, I may perhaps get him to communicate it to you: For he is almost afraid to own it after all, least he should be knock'd on the Head, by the Coachmen, Watermen and Seamen: For 'twill spoil their Trade. Besides, some have persuaded the Hus­band-men, that there will (if this Project goes forward) be such Clouds of Flying People in the Air, that 'twill hinder the Sun from ripening their Corn: So that he is afraid he shall be kill'd by them for the Invention; and he must be upon the Wing, out of the reach of shot, or in the Moon to secure himself.

Oh here's your Friend my Lady Medler! I'll leave you to discourse your Affairs—

I have run all over the Town to look you out; I won­der what you do here, when you have so many grand Concerns on foot. I assure you, Mr. Sneak, if you will not be more quick and brisk [Page 57] in the Business, I shall leave you, and all your Patents together; and then see what you will make of 'em.

O Pray Madam, be not angry, I was engaged in a very grand Design, one of the best Projects I ever yet met with, very feasible and extreamly beneficial, which I will communicate to your Ladyship.

But Mr. Sneak, I have met with a Project this day, so extraordinary, and so exceeding beneficial, both to us, and to the whole Kingdom, that I hug my self, to have been so happy as to hear the first Proposition of it, from the Vertuoso himself — I will take you in for a Share, Mr. Sneak, we will make one another happy —

Madam, you honour your Servant, pray what is it?

Why, there is a person come to Town, that was with me this day, that proposes to build a Fleet of Sheeps all of Portland Stone, to save the Woods which begin to grow thin, and Timber scarce; and he will undertake to build them so thick, that no Bullet shall pierce them. Then we shall have Castles indeed floating on the Seas, as a modern Poet says.

Sure that is not feasible, which way can he do it; he must sheath them all with Cork sure?

Nay, which way he does it, is a Secret; but he has brought it to Demonstration already by a little one, the very Yards and Masts are all of Stone too.

But the Tackle and Sales are not made of Stone too, I hope.

No — but they are not of Hemp nor Canvass.

What then?

Because we may not be beholden to Forreign Nations, and to promote the Growth of our own Nation, all the Sales are made of Tinn, and the Shrouds, Tackle and Cables of twisted Wires. What need we then care for Denmark or Norway?

'Tis admirable; and if he can but convince me by Demonstra­tion, I shall look upon it as the most happy thing I ever light on. I beseech you, Madam, promote it for the Good of the Nation.

I intend it, I assure you, I am this Night to give the Gen­tleman a meeting about it: You shall go with me in my Coach; and as we go, you shall communicate to me the happy Project you have met with this day. Come in with me, I will but speak two words to Mr. Turbulent, and we'll go.

What have I got here — something that dropt from Mr. Sneak; I must see what 'tis —

Very good! I shall see how rich this Gentleman is in Posse, when I'm sure he has not any thing in Esse.

Imprimis, My Share in the Flax-Business, at 20 l. per Week 1000 l. a Year.

Item, My Concerns in my Black Box, being several Bonds, Mort­gages, [Page 58] Defeasances, and Statute-Staples, worth 20000 l.

Item, For procuring the Patent for the Consulship of Marselles 200 l.

Item, When the M [...]tch is made between my Lord Muchland's Son, and Justice Gripewell's Grand-child — 1000 l.

'Tis too long to read — Oh, here he is come to look his Paper— I'll see the Summa totalis — 200000 l. a very fair Estate—This man is fit for Bedlam: I must do him the kindness to send him thither with my Uncle, that he may be cur'd.

Oh Madam, I think that's the Paper I was looking for; I would not have lost it for any thing.

Why, Mr. Sneak, it does but let us know how rich you are —

No Madam, how rich I am like to be — And if Fortune does not oppose too much, I am like to be competently happy.

Here Sir— [Gives him his Paper] I think you are happy al­ready, that can content your self with an Estate in Posse, whilst there is nothing but Air in your Pockets. I doubt, your Old Bills and Lands, and all your new Projects will come to little —

I cannot stay now Madam, to convince you, my Lady Med­ler stays for me; or else I'd let you understand, that I do not take false measures — Madam, your humble Servant.

Thou art the confidentest Projecting Fool, that ever I met with, whom neither being baffled, laughed at, gull'd and cheated, can convince; whom the Counter, Kings-Bench, Want, nor Misery, can convert, or make feasible. There is but one Refuge left for thee, and that is Bedlam.

Mr. Furnish is come fitted to all purposes.

That's well, where's my Uncle?

Lain down to take a Nap — he has been a sleep a good while —

Go you to my Cousin Furnish, tell him, I'll be with him pre­sently. I'll speak but two words to Mr. Fairlove, and I'll follow you.

So, I have settled my Head with this Nap; my Stomach begins to crave Victuals— I am grieved, that Mr. Sly, and his Wife should give such Occasion of Scandal to the Wicked —

Did you call Sir?—

Yes Sirrah. Where's the Mistress?

Gone to her Singing-Meeting, in Sun-dial-Alley.

Where is Priscilla?

Gone to visit one of her Brothers hard by; she said she would not stay —

Set me the Candle, and the Box of Books: I will read till [Page 59] they return —

So Paul, get me ready half a dozen Turky Eggs for my Supper —

I shall Sir — I doubt you won't stay to eat 'em

O Uncle, Uncle. we are undone for ever: For God's sake hide your self streight, or you'll be taken.

(Starts up, and looks frighted) What's the matter Lucia— why do you fright me thus?

Fright you? why, the Parlor below is full of Souldiers, they are come to have you away to Prison—

Oh sad Times— What Times do we live in, that a man cannot be quiet in his House, which is his Castle, what have I done?

Come, no expostulating now— you have been letting your Tongue run at London, and talk'd Treason: They say too, one Mr. Pricket is a meer Informer, and will witness against you.

O wicked and abominable Age — O base Impostor, Vile Varlet, Hypocrite, Wretch — Lucy, what shall I do? — I shall be undone if I'm taken —

Oh Sir, hide, hide your self, here are I know not how many Souldiers, Red-Coats, and an Officer to search for you: they are just coming up Stairs.

Now is your time to make use of your Armor. Come, come away, put your self into the Posture, and avoid being taken.

Come good Lucy, help me, I tremble, I know not what to do — Paul, Go down and divert them a little: Say I an abroad, any thing —

I shall do my endeavor —

Come, let us in quickly — I hear 'em coming. This comes of talking against the Times, with those you know not —

Oh I hear them coming — Oh, what shall I do? —

Where is this Traytor— Where is this Mr. Turbulent, that is troubling every Body; and still railing against the Times? —

As good Drinking, Whoreing, Cheating Times, as any ever were since the Creation —

So, he is gone to hide — you have put him into a monstrous Fright — I find he would be no good Martyr for the Cause —

These troublesome talking men are usually great Cowards.

what have I got here, a Box of Writings?

I hope I have light on the Judgment I confess'd to him for 500 l. If it be, I am very lucky — (opens the Box) P [...]haw — nothing but a Company of paltry Books —

[Page 60]

They are my Masters choicest Library, I'll assure you, and things of great Value and Esteem with him —

Hang 'em Pamphlets —

Let's see 'em, a man may as well be known by the Books he converses with, as by the Company he keeps —

Lilly's Prophesies.

Merlin's Prophesies.

Mother Shipton's Prophesies.

Dabritius his Prophesies.

Arise Evans, and the Maid of Kent's Prophesies.

Hannah Trapnel's Visions.

Theaura John, and motive Motions, Visions.

Sir John Wroth's Visions.

Prin against Plays, Cards and Dice.

The Holy Lives of Knipper Dolling, and John of Leyden.

Excellent Books — a rare Collection —

Here be more — the second part to the same Tune.

Muggleton's Aphorisms.

The Levellers Principles.

The Quakers Doctrines.

The Anabaptists Tenents.

The Familie of Loves Notions.

The Ranters Religion. And

John Taylor's Holy Balade.

Most choice things — No Wonder that he is mad when he studies these —

And rail against the Times — meddle with Government.

Perverting the Foolish, provoking the Froward, and spitting forth his Gall and Venom which he sucks from these Weeds.

Which feeds the foolish Hopes, and idle Fancies of such Lu­natick Brains.

Who call every vain Dream a Prophecy, and every idle Chymical Fancy a Vision — Good Pollux, fling these Books into the Fire; 'twell be a very great Inducement towards my Uncle's Cure —

Well, my Uncle is hid; but you may find him in the Press, in a little Room within his Chamber, he is sufficiently frighted — He says Mr. Pricket is a wicked man — You know the way Cousin Furnish— Fright him as much as you will; but do not touch him —

No—no— we won't hurt him —

Go you to Mr. Fairlove and Mr. Friendly, and bring them to us — Fairlove shall see my Uncle Turbulent in Disguise —

Where is this Traytor? — He must be about the House — I'll leave no Corner unsearch'd —

[Page 61]

You see he is not here — won't you be satisfied?

Come let's see what's in this Press — open it, where's the Key —

There's nothing there I'll assure you but a Statue.

Open it, or wee'll break it open — I must and will see what's in it —

There may be Arms hid there for ought we know —

Lucia opens the Press, Mr. Turbulent discovered in it, standing bolt upright, armed Cap a pe, all of Brown Paper, with a Truncheon in his Hand; he stands without any Motion, imitating a Statue.

Look you there, to satisfie you, here is nothing, but a meer Statue of my Uncle's, that was sent him for a Present.

What have we here, — a Jack in a Box?

Bevis of Southampton.

'Tis John of Gaunt —

No Sir, 'tis John of Leyden, as he march'd before his Anaba­ptistical Army.

Look you Sir, there stands my Master Mr. Turbulent in his Po­sture, in a Suit of Arms of his own making: Does not he look much like a General?

Prethee tell me Friendly, can'st forbear laughing now?

I confess this is extraordinary, and I will as soon give two pence to see this, as e're a Monster, or strange Sight in Bartholomew Fair —Is it possible this Fellow should have so little Sence in him.

How still he stands! he is fast frozen with Fear.

This is a meer Teraphim, and this Mr. Turbulent a meer Hea­then Idolater — and here he keeps his great Idol in Secret — I shall inform of this, and have him burnt for a Pagan.—

No, no, you are mistaken, 'tis the direct Image of Oliver; he cannot be content to adore him in his Heart; but he sets up his I­mage in his Press, and in his Chamber.

Indeed Sir you are mistaken, he never lov'd Oliver in his life, nor any Governor, nor Government— you do him a great deal of wrong: He was then the same Mr. Turbulent that he is now —

I know he is a very turbulent, troublesome fellow; but I did not think, that he, who was still railing against Images and Idolatry, should have them thus privately lock'd up in Presses, like those in Westminster Abby; but let it be whose Image it will, I'll shoot it.

What do you mean Sir? Oh forbear Sir, 'tis a meer Image, a very harmless Statue, Sir, what, shoot a Statue?—Oh good Sir, by no means—

Look, look, the Statue shakes, and has let fall his Truncheon— 'tis a piece of Witchcraft —

'Tis nothing but the shaking of the Press, that does not stand fast—

We shall meet with him sometime or other, and he shall pay dearly for all his Treasonable Speeches, and for his Idol of John of Leyden too —

Come, you have frighted him sufficiently—I am afraid he'll spoil his Armor behind —

This has done me as much good as the 50 l. I have got of him to day — Come Hangby—

Mr. Fairlove, If you will walk down, I will wait on you in­stantly. Pollux and I must uncase my Uncle first, and deliver him out of the Fright we have put him in —

He owes you much for his Deliverance.

She has made him Mr. Peacable instead of Mr. Turbulent.

Oh, he never talks in Armor—

I Protest, your Fear had like t'have spoil'd all —

(Shaking) Are they gone? Are you sure they are gone?

Yes Sir, they are gone, and I have shut the Doors after them —

Oh, these are abominable Times, Oh, wicked and accursed Age—Oh, that I should live in such Times, that a man must be afraid to speak. Wicked Varlets, they'll go and inform I am an Hea­then Idolater: What if they should come again? How should I es­cape? O the sight of the Pistol has put me into such a Fright — See Neece, is not my Armor spoiled behind? I have been something leaky—

No, no, all's well— 'Tis Proof enough against such Shot.

Shall I get your Supper ready Sir?

Oh these Rogues have frighted away my Stomach. The sight of the Devil is not so terrible to me as those Red Cloaths, with the Infernal Weapons of Muskets and Pistols— But Neece, what shall I do if they should come again? — I am afraid they will be here again to morrow —Oh! I dread a Prison, and to be confined within Walls—

There is no better way for you, than to feign your self mad Pollux, and I will keep your Council, and then you may say any thing, which will be an ease to your Spirit; and you may do what you will, they will then only pity you, and take all to be an effect of your Madness; and that which you said likewise to Mr. Pricket — Madness you know excuses many things.

Mad say you? — I need not counterfeit that, I am almost [Page 63] mad already, to see the Wickedness and Profaneness of the Age, the Vileness and Lewdness of the Times, the Filthiness and Debauchery of this City, and the Ungodliness and Irreligion of the whole Nati­on.— I say, I can be very easily mad; and I will be so to save my self, and to avoid being taken in the Snare of the Wicked Red-coats—

You had best make Tryal Sir, how you can deceive my Old Mistress and my Young Mistress— if you can deceive them hand­somly, then you may be confident you may deceive any body else—

Oh Sir, here is Doctor Quibus, practice first upon him — now try what you can do —

I'll leave you here to keep them asunder; I must go to Mr. Fairlove

Vat de Debil is dis? Mr. Turbulent in Armor? I come to see my Patient: Is dis he in dis Case? morblew— Vat art dow?— speak—

I am Mars the God of War—I am Mars, I tell thee; and I will slay thee Pigmy.

I am afraid Sir, my Master is a little besides himself— he does not use to talk thus.

Ay, de Color is got into de Brain, and has turn'd de Brain vith de hot Fumes— He take de Physic in the Morn, he take de Caudle at de Noon, he go to de Meeting in de Afternoon, and to de Tabern at de Night; all dis is enough to make de vel man man stark mad—He must have de Ellebore, de strong Purge of de Ellebore, and de spare Diet, and be kept dark, dat he may be cured.

Thou art an Ass Doctor, and understandest not any thing— Mars never eat Hellebore— You are no Son of Apollo; you are not Aesculapius, I know him by his Beard— Thou art an Elf, born in Fairy Land, and hast failed hither in an Egg-shell, to poyson the Na­tion with Rats-bain and Dogs Turds: But I tell thee, I am Mars, and I will slay thee.

De debil go vit dee—I will stay no longer— de vine is in his Brain— Go, go to de Sleep, and settle de Brain; or else to de Bedlam, dat is de fittest place for dee—

So, did I not do well? —

Yes Sir admirably — admirably well— 'tis natural to you—

Come, help me off with my Arms— Let us go in— and go, and get my Eggs ready — I am almost faint with Fasting.

But you must remember to be mad again when you see my Mistress—

I'll warrant you, let me alone.

Friendly (like the Philosopher that never laugh'd till he saw an Ass eating Thistles, nabbing and pricking his Lips) could not chuse but smile a little, when he saw your Uncle in his posture.

[Page 64]

You would hardly have believ'd this, had not your eyes been Witnesses— I assure you this Suit of Armor was an Invention of his own Brain, as well as the Work of his own hands.

I confess, 'twas something surprizing, and might prove Diver­sion enough for those that love to make themselves sport with the folly of others — but I pity him—

Ne'r pity him, 'tis his Nature; and you may as well pity a Swine for grunting, or a Dog for barking— you were no sooner gone, and that we had releas'd him from his Fear; but he return'd to his old wont of railing against the Times.

'Tis impossible to convert him from that

I have but one way to do it—and I'll make a Tryal of it— Well, I'll dismiss you till to morrow— and then—

I will release you from your Slavery.

And with a Habeas Corpus remove her from one Prison to a­nother.

That is as it may happen.

Away Fairlove— here is the foolish City Poet: I had rather meet a Ghost, than this troublesome Fop— you shall have enough of your Mistress to morrow—

Mrs. Lucia, are you still in the same mind you were in last time I saw you, hey?

Yes indeed am I Sir; and therefore let me not hear one word more either of Love or Verses: For I hate them both, especially from you.

Now did you think I would go hang or drown my self, hey? — Fa, la, la, la, fa, la, la, la — Now are you deceiv'd: I won't so much as write an Elegy on our parting, hey? —

I care not what you do with your self so you trouble not me.

You shall see, I know what belongs to the fathomable Love of our Times hey? — Fa la la la — I'll love you no longer than you love Mr. Fa la la la — Pshaw, 'twas only my Diversion.

I'm glad Mr. Cringe, you and I so well agree at parting — But are you provided of another Love? That's fashionable too: You ought to have another Miss or two—what says my Cousin Priscilla?

She is not such a Fool as you are; she knows when she is well profer'd: and look you— hey, to vex you hey— see I have

scratch'd your Name out of the Licence, and put in Mrs. Priscilla's: Do you see that, hey? — Fal la la, Fal la la la—

This is a pleasant Lover— Oh my Aunt—

Oh Aunt, here has befell us a most sad Disaster since your went.

Why, what's the matter?

Here have been Soulders to search for my Uncle, which made [Page 65] him fly into his Brown Paper Arms, his last Refuge—But what with the Fear they put him in, the Wine he has drunk at the Tavern, and his chollerick melancholly Distemper, as Doctor Quibus calls it, he is quite besides himself, and out of his Wits— The House can hardly hold him.

O the sad and deplorable Times that we live in, there have not been such lewd, wicked Times since Adam — They talk of the Iron Age; I tell you this is a Flinty Age, or a meer stony, rocky, adamantive Age, that they cannot let a poor man be in quiet in his own house —O sad—sad—sad Times— Oh Neece, these are abominable Times, and we are governed by the Nebuchadnezzars and Balshazzars of the Earth.

Now have I put her into a Fit of Railing: But Aunt, Doctor Quibus has been to see him, and he is so raging mad, that he had like to have beat the Doctor; he says, he's absolutely distracted as any in Bedlam, and advises you, by all means, to put him in there to be cured—

I can't believe it— 'tis but a Fit— he'll be well again— Oh these Times—

What agen?—Good Aunt let the Times alone, and consider what you have to do— Look—

Here is my Cousin Priscilla—take her Advice.

What is the Subject of your Discourse, is it proper or com­mon?

The Subject is very proper: your Father is mad they say; and the Question is, what shall we do with him? He is raging, and he will be too hot for the House, and too troublesome to us all.

Canst thou prove it?

Yes, without a Syllogism—if you go to him, he will demon­strate it—

He is then in an evil predicament— for if he hath lost his Reason, plainly he is a Brute.

And therefore I would have your Mother provide for him a little Chamber in the Hospital over the way, till his Reason and his Knowledge return again to him: and where proper Physick, and fit Dyet may be administred to him—

'Tis true, his Reason may be actually lost for a time; but it may be still in Potentia, and may be recovered.

Why, what's the matter with Mr. Turbulent hey? He is mad sure, hey? — I went to him about some earnest business, and he flew at me like a Dragon; If it had not been for honest Paul, he would have murthered me, hey — what ails he? hey— how came he so? hey—

He's troubled with Melancholly Mr. Cringe, he is in a cholerick melancholly Fit—

A cholerick fit indeed hey— I don't love to see such cholerick Fits hey—

[Page 66]

You are troubled with Melancholly too Mr. Cringe.

Who I? hah, hah, hey— who I? Fa la la la la—

Yes you Mr. Cringe, for all your fa la la la— You are trou­bled with the laughing Melancholly, the rhiming, versifying Melan­choly, the singing, light airy fa la Melancholly — Indeed you are far gone, and have need of Cure, Mr. Cringe, I advise for the best.

Mistress Priscilla, she says, this out of mere spite, because I have left her— Look here, I have put you into the Licence, and I'll marry you to morrow, hey—what say you hey? Here's my Hand hey—

I say, that this Proposition may be in the Mode Puerpera, that is the possible Mode; or it may be Edentuli, the necessary Mode—

And I'll go study an Epithalamium against to morrow, hey— Fa la la la la la.

I advise you Cousin, to lay by your Modes and your Figures, and take Mr. Cringe while he is in in the Mood: you'll never get such a Husband—Come, I'll see it done to morrow my self —

If Mr. Turbulent be mad, he is under Tribulation: He is chastized for going to the profane House called a Tavern.

You must now place your self Aunt, at the Helm of Govern­ment in your Family, and compell my Uncle, for his own good, to enter into Bedlam, and to be under Confinement, and subject to Go­vernment, which he always abhorr'd— O here is another of the Melanchollicks,

And the fittest person in the World to bear my Uncle Company— 'Tis pity they should be parted, this is the Eye, and my Uncle the Tongue of Sedition—

Where is Brother Turbulent? — I am returned from Bro­ther Sly and Sister Sly, who are put into Tribulation, and are en­tred into the Prison called the Round-house, sent thither by the Earth­ly Justice, Right-or-wrong— I come to condole with Brother Tur­bulent about this matter.

Alas Brother Abednego, Mr. Turbulent has lost his Reason.

Then he is purified— he ought not to have any thing to do with Reason— It is the Idol of the World, and the very Babel of the Sons of the Earth.

Do'st thou speak against Reason and Logic? I doubt thou art ignorant, and canst not distinguish.

Logic is the very Language of Babel, and used by the carnal, and the profane men of the Earth.

So this is good, they are going together by the Ears about Lo­gic and Reason, which they neither understand any more than a Goose or a Sea-gull.

Thou speakest evilly of the best thing in the World: It is Rea­son only that distinguishes us from Beasts.

I say Reason is the Filth and Scum of the Carnal Brain: It is the Sut and Fume of Hell: it ought to be banish'd, and not made [Page 67] use of: it is the Froth of a corrupted mind: it is the Carnal Weapon of the wicked, learned men — And I say again, we ought to live above Reason, beyond Reason, and to Act against Reason, and contra­ry to Reason, and to pull down Reason, and to overthrow, overthrow, overthrow— the Idol Reason.

Wilt thou give me leave to reply?

Thou canst not, shalt not reply, nor take the part of Reason— 'Tis that which causes the Rulers of the Earth to impose Laws on us: 'tis that which causes the outward Worship, and the congregating in Stone Churches: 'tis that which causes the Orders and the Ceremo­nies, the Institutions, and the Schools, and the Universities, and the Study, and the Books and subtle Questions and Answers among the men of the World—'Tis the very Root of all Evil, and it must be confounded; and if Brother Turbulent has lost his Reason, he is be­come perfect.

I must tell thee Friend, thou lyest, Reason ought not to be lost, nor to be cast down, nor confounded.

I say it is lost, and shall be cast down, and shall be confounded.

I say it shall not, and thou art a Beast without thy Reason.

I say it shall, and thou art a very Beast with thy Reason.

This is pleasant— two irrational Animals, to fall out about what neither of them have— but here comes one will end their Dispute—

Here they are, Mr. Suckthumb with 'em, now see if you can deceive 'em, and the Visioneer too— you may then deceive any body— Now Master, act your part bravely—

I'll warrant you, let me alone to counterfeit—

Brother Turbulent, I have now the Interpretation of the Vision, I had at our Meeting. The Eagle on the top of the Tree, was Brother Sly, the Tree was the Round-house where he is put; and the Dragon was that Dragon-like Justice Right-or-wrong, who hath devoured him—

What sayest thou? Didst thou name the Dragon? hah— art thou Bell? hah—

Do'st thou see a Vision?

Yes I see thee, the Gyant Gogmagog, that devourest the People— but I will encounter thee, and cast thee to the Earth.

Peace, he prophesieth—

Tim. I am sorry to see thee distracted. Do'st thou know me thy own Wife? — I am afraid to go near him, he stares so—

You need not fear him: See I have bound his Hands — he can't hurt you.

Why do'st not speak to me Tim.? — They were vile Varlets, to afright the out of thy Sences—

[Page 68]

Avaunt, thou art a Succubus, a Shee Devil; and from thy Womb proceeds the Spawn of Antichrist: Thou art the Whore of Babylon, and I will overthrow thee—

Oh vile and abominable man. Ay, ay, I see he is mad now, to abuse his own dear Wife.

Peace, Peace, he speaketh wonderful things, and high Mysteries He is in a Rapture, Sister Turbulent, he meaneth not thy carnal Womb, he meaneth Spiritually — Hearken, I pray, with Attention — These are Mysteries— and Raptures —

May I put thee a plain Proposition?—

Thou art a She Crocodile, and feedest upon Croaking Frogs— nothing but dark Fumes passeth from thy Throat, and thy words are as the sounding of empty Tubbs — I will tear up thy I­dols, and cast them into the Fire, and burn thy Molock Logick-Books as a Sacrifice.

Nay plainly, I see he is now distracted, he hath quite lost his Reason.

I say he speaketh great things, and they ought to be writ­ten in Brass, with a Pen of Steel — They are high Prophesies, and the Interpretation may be given— Call not thy Father mad— He is become perfect, and has laid aside his Reason, the Ensign of his Carnallity.

Oh the roaring of the Lions, and the howling of the Wolves, the Neighing of Horses, and the beating of Drums, heark the noise of the Canons, and the dashing of Rocks together — Heark again, the bellowing of Bulls, and the braying of Asses; there is a Battel between the Beasts of the Earth, and the Fowls of the Air.

These are wonderful things— Oh he seeth strange Sights!

Tim. Tim. thou art mad—I will seek a Cure for thee.

Thou shalt have some Physick that thou mayest regain thy reason, which thou mayest yet have in Potentia.

He counterfeits bravely—.

Hah hah hah! Come, you are all my Friends. I did but counterfeit, to see if I could deceive you— I must do this when the Souldiers come, that they may think I'm mad— Did not I do it bravely? —

Have a care Aunt— this is but a light Interval, as most mad people have— Come not near him, he is spiteful—

No Tim. you do not use to counterfeit— I'm sure you would not abuse your own Wife, if you had not been mad.

Dost thou own thy self a Counterfeit and a Deceiver? Nay, then we ought to shun thee. If thou art mad, we ought to run from thee, that thou mayest not hurt us: If thou art not mad, thou art then a Counterfeit and a Deceiver, and we ought not to keep thee Compa­ny. There is a Dilemma for thee— thou hast brought thy self plain­ly into this Dilemma.

[Page 69]

Here Wife, untie my Hands that I may beat that Bag­gage: I'll teach her better Manners, you Quaking, Impudent Jilflirt—

I see Tim. you are falling again into a Fit, I see by the Roll of your Eyes—

O you vile woman, won't you believe me? —

Thou art returning into thy Rapture—

Rapture? You Fool, you Idiot, I tell thee I did but counter­feit—Unloose me—these wicked Women will take the Helm of Go­vernment out of my hand else—

Brother, I am sorry thou should'st say, thou didst counter­feit, that is the greatest Sign I have yet seen of thy madness— be reconciled to thy self, and own thy Raptures.

I have made a fair hand on't, and counterfeited so well they won't believe me: I say, Brother unloose these Bands —

I dare not, if they were imposed on thee by the Legal Au­thority of thy Wife, or her Lawful Ministers: Let them be loosed by the same Authority, I shall not meddle with them; but I can suffer with thee, and will not leave thee in thy Affliction.

A company of Rogues, Whores, Varlets, I'll teach you all to abuse me thus.

Away Aunt— he's in another raging Fit, quickly, quickly away, come away—

Nay, I see he is mad indeed now—

He hath lost his Reason—

Come Neece, undo my Hands—I have counterfeited so long, they won't believe me now—

'Tis true indeed Uncle, you do it very naturally, now you counterfeit your self sober— but you are mad still—

Uncle, shall I have my Portion, and marry Mr. Fairlove?

O I could tear you to pieces, you vile Wretch, you abomina­ble Baggage— I'll eat thee up— [...]hat I will. Do you mock me, and sport your self with me? —

I thought that would put him into a Rage again. So Un­cle, you are fallen into another Fit.

I will not leave him, I will stay with him till his Zeal is abated.

Sirrah Pollux, undo my Hands that I may beat them all in­to their right Sences.

Well Uncle, I'll leave you, and consult with my Aunt about your Cure— Be sure you keep him fast Pol.

Ne'r fear—

Uncle, you had best go sleep, and settle your Brain, 'tis late—

Come Sir, she advises well: will you see if you can rest? The Chollerick Fumes trouble your Brain.

[Page 70]

Sirrah leave prateing— I'll jest no longer: untie my hands I say— I'll make 'em know me. Do they rebell against their Head?

Indeed Sir, I dare not, Do you think I am wiser than my Old Mrs. and my young Mrs. and Mrs. Lucy— I should be madder than you, if I should untie your hands — They have order'd to the contrary.

They—they—they— they order?— this is fine; Oh I will be reveng'd on them for this.

Possess your self with patience— I will assist thee, and we will speak to Sister Kate once more—

Speak-patience say you? I'll after them, and tear them to pie­ces with my Teeth, vile, abominable, wretched, wicked, stinking, fil­thy Women—

He is again fallen into a Rapture— I will follow and see the end of these things.

So — There will be something to do among 'em.

The Fifth Act. The Scene Bethlem.

INdeed this is a fine place— the fairest Hospital I ever saw.

Better than that of the Incurable of Venice; 'tis much for the Honor of the City, Madam: But did you never see it before, Madam?

No— nor had not now, had it not been to see my Friend Mr. Turbulent— The Sight of Bethlem, the Tombs, and the Lions are no Recreation for Ladies of Quality.

'Tis strange Mr. Turbulent should so soon become mad.

Indeed I had some Jealousie of it the last time I saw him: For he told me I look'd Oldish. I thought indeed he was a little crack'd, to tell me I look'd Old— out upon him—

Why Madam, is that such a Fault, Age is Honourable, and every body desirous to live till they are Old: why then should Old Age be so despicable?

Age is Honourable! marry come up— I say Age is not honou­rable— nor you for saying so— It is an old musty Adage; and I say Age is good for nothing, but to spoil good Faces, brisk Wits, and active Bodies; to bring Wrinkles, gray Hairs, moist Eyes, slavering Lips, Aches in the Joynts, and Gouts in the Limbs— Age I say, is a most wicked and an abominable thing— and to tax me with it?—

[Page 60]

Nay Madam, that indeed was a Crime.

Had he call'd me Whore, or Bawd, or Cheat or so, it had not vex'd me half so much — but poor man, he was out of his Sences—

Monsieur Sneak, you be velcom to de Betlem; here is Mon­sieur Turbulent, and Monsieur Sucktum come here to be cured of do Melancholick, and you be come also in de very good time— you do very much vant de Ellebore.

I am well enough Doctor, I am not melancholly.

You be de very melancholly man in de World — It is de melancholly dat trobles your Brain, dat makes you run here, run dere all day long, all de veek, all de year, after de project, and get noting, not one straw, you'll be de true melancholly Pick-straw.

Madam, this Doctor is like most of the World, they will not believe, till they see me in my Coach and six Horses— Well Do­ctor, I shall convince you shortly— I will build an Hospital shall far exceed this—

Ay, dat is in de Brain— dere is one of de Wind-mills dat goes vur, vur, vur— dat is ven de project comes to perfection. I tell you Monsieur Sneak, vat you shall do vith your Money, you shall build tree such Hospitals, one on each side of dis Square, and den dere will be four, one for each sort of de Melancholly: dis vil hardly hold half de melancholly Pick-straws in dis Town.

You are a jeering Doctor—

Is there not one Mr. Turbulent here?

Yes, he is above in the upper Gallery—

Now you are here. Madam, by all means see the mad folks— the Keeper will let you see them—

Yes, you may see them if you please?—

Do you let them walk about loose—

Such as are harmless, and that are not raving, are permitted to walk here in this Gallery.

But you began to leave me — Hey hoe—Are you Strephon? — No, no, you are not he; he had Garlands on his head— (Singing) Oh my Love's dead, and laid in his watry Grave. Pray tell me, did you see Strephon? — (Singing)

Tell me gentle Strephon, why

[Page 72]

You from my Embraces fly? Oh— there he is, there he is, stay, stay, stay, Strephon, stay.

Alas poor Maid.

She is one that fell mad with Love.

Dis is one of de melancholly Fa la's, and Monsieur Fini­cal Cringe vould do very well to keep her company, he is de madder of de two—

This is a Scholar that has crack'd his Brain in reading Aristo­tle— He is always poreing on a Book, but won't speak in a week together.

Dat is one of de melancholly Dumbsads; he no talk, he noting but tink, tink, of de Philosophy, and de strange tings, till he has turned de Brain: He is de Brother to Monsieur Sucktum—

This is a mad Poet—he ran mad with making of Ver­ses— He speaks them Ex tempore half a day together, and makes Love to all that comes near him in Rhime.

Dis is one of de melancholly Pick-straws, dere be a great many in de same degree of Madness, dat goes about de Streets, and trobles de people vith dere Rhimes, and dere Nonsence —

So, the Marigold from Smirna — Cargo, Raisons, Cur­rance, Wine, Almonds, Silks, value 10000 l. The James and John from Genua, Cargo 5000 l. — The William and Mary, from Lis­bon, laden with Sugars and Wine — Cargo 30000 l. —

This is a crack'd Merchant, doubly crack'd, first in his Estate, by the Loss of a Ship or two taken by the Dutch, and after­wards in his Brain— but he is continually reckoning up his seve­ral Cargoes, that he fancies his Ships bring him from all parts, and summing up the Effects, and his Gains, he imagines himself the rich­est Merchant in the City of London.

Alas! poor poor man—

'Fait he be no poor man, he be de rich man in de Imagi­nation: He is one of de melancholly Pick-straws, and in de very same Degree of dis Shentilman, he tinks himself rich in de Pro­ject.

Stand saide, good Folks, stand aside, least I hurt you; pray give way— I'll gore you else.—

[Page 73]

This is a Citizen that became Horn-mad through Jealousie: He fancies that his Horns are so bigg, that he cannot carry them in the Gallery, and that they weigh down his Head, that he is fain to carry it on one side.

Dis is one of de Hypocondraic melanchollicks.

I think all Cuckolds are as mad as he, that would make their Invisible Horns known to to all the World—but who are these Gentlemen?

Madam, they are two mad Critics, that when they get to­gether, are continually disputing about the Poets, Ancient and Mo­dern: one calls himself Aristotle, and the other thinks himself Julius Scaliger.

I say Mr. Aristotle, that the Poets of our Age, have no­thing of Wit in them, and all their Peieces are false Draughts— O the wise Sophocles, the wise Euripides, the Oracles of their Age—

I say the Baye's, and the Ninnies of this Age are far beyond them, and they know more than they did, and write better Sence—

I say Aristotle thou lyest— The Ancient Aristophanes, and the witty Menander, were the only Persons that understood Co­medy among the Greeks— Terrence had some Wit; but Shakespear, and Ben. Johnson were mere Oafs.

Are you married? —

What means she by that? — I believe she is in love with me—

I say Mr. Scaliger, you are a proud, malepert and impudent Critick, to find fault with the very Inspired Priests of the Muses; and I tell you, your Euripides, Sophocles, Aristophanes and Menander, and all the rest of them were mere Ideots to the Poets of our Age.

You are not matried, are you?—

Why do you ask? — No—

Don't let the Keeper see me— I an't mad— I have 10000 l. to my Portion, and 500 l. a year, which a rich Uncle keeps from me in Berkshire, and keeps me here, and makes People believe I am mad, only to keep my Esta [...]e— I am no more mad than you are—

Sir, pray have a care of that Woman, she is mad, and some­times very mischievous— How came you loose? — Go in—

You—See he won't let me tell you— but heark you— I'll marry you, if you can get me out.

This was a happy coming hither. 'Tis so, the Keeper is afraid I should discover it, she speaks very rationally— This was a very lucky chance— a happy Discovery—

[Page 74]

I say you are a dull, insipid, and ignorant Critick; and I say again, the Kings of your Poets, are no better than Punchenello's; they are ridiculous, and want Majesty.

You'll marry me then, and get me out of this place?

Pray Sir have a care of her, I give you warning.

Who is she? —

A Stocking-mender's Daughter, that has run mad through Pride, and fancies she has 10000 l. to her Portion, and 500 l. a year, in Berkshire—

Do not disturb dem, dey are de fittest to talk togeder dat I know: She hate de long Vorm in her Brain, and he hate de great Maggot in his: She fancies, she hate de 10000 l. and he imagines, he hate de 100000 l. ven he has noting. Which is de madder den?

Be sure you keep my Council—

And I will, and marry thee too, and get thy Estate—hah this is a lucky hit — I'll deal well enough with her Uncle, by the help of my Lady Medler—

Thou art a very venemous, wicked and reproachful Critick.

Thou art a scurrilous, surly, chymical Critick.

Thou art—

And thou art—

Hold, I'll end your Quarrel — I am so troubled with these mad Criticks, when they meet together: They always dispute till they fall together by the Ears.

Dere be many of dese Greek Wits about dis Town, dat deserve a place in dis Hospital; dey do noting but find de fault, and pick de hole in de Coat of de Poet, and de Wits: dey see de motes in de Sun, and de spots in de Moon, and de Stars: dey find de fault in de Lines, in de Verse, in de Vords, in de Plays, vitout de Sence, or de Vit, or de Reason— Begar dey be all mad, and fit for de Betlem—

Madam I am very happy to day— I have made a most rare Discovery — I'll tell you anon, you must assist me in it— you shall have a Share Madam— I would not for a thousand pound but I had come here to day—

I am glad of the good Fortune—

Pull down the Stars— hah, blow Boreas blow, make the Seas meet, dash Rocks together, and put out the Sight of the Sun.

I'm afraid of him—

You need not, he is fast chain'd.

Cerberus, dost thou howl Cerberus? I'll cut off thy three Necks, and boyl 'em for that Lady's Supper— Avaunt, thou she [Page 75] Fury: I'll leap thee else like an Incubus — Tear 'em, tear 'em tear 'em—

Go, get you in— This is a frantick, outragious mad man.

Dis is one of de coloric Melanchollicks, dat is full of de rage, and de raving Fits, and is not as de Lunaticks, vith de lucid In­tervals: Dis sort, and de hot Brain, like de vild Fire— Here be all de sorts of de mad men, and de melanchollicks in de Varld, and here dey take de Physick, and have de Cure for deir Malady and Di­stemper in de Brain.

And now I am come to the nine and fortieth point, the downfal of the Whore of Babylon. Mark me, the Judgments of the terrible Approach of the falling into nothing, of the polluted and sinful World, shall be turned and converted to Confusion and Di­stress; and then, you shall behold the Crowns of the Earth, be tum­bled on Heaps, and the Seas, and the Moon, shall vanish into Va­por— but then—

This is a Fifth Monarchy Preacher, who employs himself this way all day long.

He speaks as soberly as most of dem, and as mush Sence.

Let me tell you another Secret — You will marry me? —

Yes—yes—and get you out; but take no notice then,

Heark you in your Ear.

Pray have a care Sir, of that Woman—

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

O Lord, Mr. Sneak, what all you? —

I told you what would come of it—

I think Mr. Sneak, you were madder than she, to trust your Ear in her mouth.

Is this Mr. Grin Sneak the Projector?—

Yes, this is Mr. Grin. Sneak—poor Gentleman.

Oh Sir, I have an Order here to provide for you— I am glad you are come.

What mean you Sir?

Only to carry you to your Companions, till I provide a Chamber for you— I have your Name here, Mr. Timothy Turbulent, Mr. Abednego Suckthumb, and Mr. Grin Sneak.

Here, carry this mad Gentleman to Mr. Turbulent.

What do you mean? — I an't mad—

[Page 76]

Sure he is not mad—

Here is Dr. Quibus, that receives a Pension from the House, and assists in the Cure of the mad Folks: He knows sure, better than you Madam, who is mad, and who is not — I have his Hand for it, and an Order to provide for him.

He is de very mad man in de Vorld, I assure you.

The Doctor understands nothing, I tell you I am not mad and I won't go with you.

There is none of all these mad men that are here, but will say as much as you do; they do not think themselves mad no mo [...]e than you do.

He vere not mad if he did not tink himself so—

Have him away, I say—away with him.

Alas! poor man— I'll go after him—

I'll vait on you Madam—

Now do I think this the fittest place in the World to conclude a Wedding in: For since you have been so mad as to put on the Fetters of Marriage, this Hospital is fittest for your Entertainment. I have seen you so mad, as to be married; but I despair of seeing your Cure— I doubt your Frenzy is for Life.

It has cost me some pains and study, to get my Uncle Tur­bulent hither; and now I have made sure of Mr. Fairlove, and my Portion, I care not how soon he is releas'd.

Let him be cur'd first of his Turbulency. I doubt, all the Phy­sick in London will hardly change his Nature— He feeds upon Choler, and he chews Galls and Bitterness, as if they were Eringo's or Marchpane.

I think this Hospital is the fittest place in the World for all those sort of People; and if I were rich enough, I would add to its Revenue: For it is a great deal of pity, that these kind of mad men should walk about the Streets as they do.

Why Mr. Cringe— What are you musing? — You are melancholly.

Who I? Fa la la la— I was only meditating upon an Epithalamium, which I intend to speak my self to my Bride at night; hey—hey—

Trouble not thy Head with vain Songs, plainly, they will be disagreeing to me, and Mr. Goyle told me, Poetry was an unsancti­fied Vocation, and that all Poets and Players were hang'd up by the Tongues in Hell—

Mr. Goyle is a Lyar hey— for slandering the Poets hey— Those were only the little bawdy, rhimeing, lampooning Poets; not those that make Heroicks hey— I tell you, you shall hear my Epi­thalamium hey—

Do'st thou say, my Priscilla is married to that vile rhime­ng Fellow Cringe?—

[Page 77]

Yes forsooth—

And has my Neece married Mr. Fairlove, and got her Portion out of the Chamberlan's Hands?

Yes indeed, 'tis sure enough — look you here, they are together.

Well— 'tis well my poor Husband is already distract­ed, else I'm sure, this very News would make him mad.

Mr. Cringe, Speak— speak to her— go—

We have committed Matrimony forsooth Mother— Look you, I have taken Mrs. Priscilla for better and for worse, hey—

You have taken her without my Consent, Mr. Cringe, and consequently without any Portion —

'Tis no matter for that hey: I know how to go to Law hey— I married your Daughter upon a lawful Consideration hey, and I shall force you hey—.

Force me, force me? you impudent Ballad-maker: will you force me — Oh what Times do we live in! Force me—

Aunt, I'm afraid they'll think you mad as well as my Un­cle. It is not good to be loud in this place, least they provide a Cham­ber for you.

I have taken care of your Neece, and taken her off your hands— I assure you, she shall not trouble you any longer. I am now become her Guardian.

In good time— Well Mistress, I shall see you shortly live like those at the other end of the Town; you in one House, and your Husband in another: You with your Gallant, and he with his Mistress, as they call'em— You could not be contented with a good, honest, civil Shop-keeper.

I have done you no hurt I hope, to bestow the honest Shop-keeper you had provided for me upon your own Daughter.

Come mother, you shan't be angry hey, you shall get us a Sack Posset hey, and we will dance and be merry hey — Come a­way— let us go see my mad Father, hey—

I doubt this News will make him ten times madder— Paul, shew me the way to your Master.

Where is Brother Turbulent? we are come to see him in Tribu­lation, and to assist him with a word of Comfort.

I fear Brother Turbulent is fallen away from his Principles, being seduced by his Nephew Furnish; and now he suffers for his Back­sliding,

Are you freed from the Oppression of the Aegyptian Dra­gon Right-or-wrong. How got you forth of the paw of the Bear?

We were delivered.

What Canting is this?

This is the Language of the Saints.

[Page 78]

None of the Languages of Babel.

How came you reconciled?

We have forgiven each other, least the wicked and Re­probate should reproach us for our Failings; and least we should become a Scandal, and a Stumbling Block to the Godly.

Mr. Furnish is a vile, and an abominable man. Oh 'tis a wicked and unregenerate Age.

Where Vice reigns triumphant, and runs down like a Stream—

Let us be gone, they are falling again into their Old Fits— The Round-house has not cured 'em.

I am going to see Tim.

We will go with you— my Bowels yearn, I am full of Compassion.

Pollux—hast thou bespoke a Dinner over the way at the Popes Head—

All things are ready for you— and I have bespoke the Fid­dlers: They will be here instantly, to play you to Dinner—

And we'll have one mad frisk among the mad Folks.

I like that Fa la la la—

They are a company of Rogues, Varlets, Cheats, Tra­panners, Villains, to make me mad, and to feed me with Bread and Porridge— These are Babylonian days— Oh the Oppression of Pharoah, and the Tyranny of Dyonisius.

Bear thy Tribulation with Patience, and be in the Meekness— We shall be delivered.

I have a Friend at Court that will soon release me; and I will inform of the Abuse.

I despise the Court, I hate the Court, 'tis a vile Abomination, and stinks of Prophaneness. Oh name not the Court, I cannot en­dure the sound of it in my Ears.

Thou speakest well, hold fast to thy Principles, and thou shalt be delivered from the paw of the Lion.

I begin to doubt these two are mad— But I am not yet convinc'd, but the Woman as bit me by the Ear was sober— She did it, that they might not suspect our Plot—'twas so.

Here be de tree mad fokes, de several sorts of de melan­chollicks; dey make de very good Harmony.

I am sorry to see you here Mr. Turbulent; but they say, there is no better place in the World to get Cure— You have stu­died too hard I doubt Mr. Turbulent.

Do you come to jeer and mock me too? Are you one of the Reprobates? Ay, ay, you glory and fawn on the Evil Times— [Page 79] you are a a very unsanctified Hypocrite, that you are— Pray be gone and meddle not with us.

Alas! poor man, I now see he is distracted.

I see you are an old medling Fool—

Old Fool! Old Fool! Thou art a distracted Ass, a mad, hair-brain'd, raving Coxcomb. Old Fool—

Yes, thou art wrinkled in Iniquity, and grown hoary with Evil. Foh, thou smellest of the other end of the Town, and art combined against me.

He is raving, stark mad — 'Tis well he is here, I could not have believ'd it, had not my Eyes seen it, and my Ears heard his madness.

how is it with you?

I was thinking of the Woman that bit me by the Ear — I tell you she is a great Heiress.

Well Mr. Sneak, I always took you to be a little craz'd; but now I find you are mad; and that nothing but good Diet and Physick will cure you.

Madam, de talk is very naught for de mad Folks; me vil give dem de Pill of de Ellebore; and you sall see in de tree, or de fore days, dey vil be very much amended—Let dem tink, let dem tink.

Here are those you enquire for, I shall provide them Cham­bers apart: For madness, like other Diseases, is infectious; and they will hurt one another—

Tim.—How is it Tim.—Do'st thou know me Tim? thy own dear wife Tim.

I know you for a Harlot, a conspiring Harlot, a wicked she Devil, to bring me here to Bedlam— But I'll tear thy Eyes out—

Alas! he is raving: Good Doctor Quibus, will you do your Endeavor. Do you think he will ever be his own man again?

Do not fear: me vill give him de excellent Pill in de Varld: For de Cholerick melancholly; but he no eat de Caudle, nor de Turky Eggs; he no cram, cram, cram.

You are a Rogue, Doctor, and would starve me here—

He knows what is best for you Tim— but here is your Daughter Pris. and your Neece come, to see you: do you know 'em Tim— They have committed Matrimony, and provided for themselves.

Matrimony! Why, who are they are married to? —

Why Sir, you not being compos mentis, I have made bold to chuse me another Guardian, Mr. Fairlove here— I am his now—

'Tis well I am in Bedlam—I find I am mad now— wicked, abominable Varlet—you shan't have a penny of Portion.

[Page 80]

I have secur'd that already Sir, you know the Clause in the Will—You are not compos mentis.

You are a cheating Harlotry—I'll make you rue it—

I have got only my own, which you would have cheated me of—

And who are you married to?

Thy Rationallity is departed—and thou canst not under­stand.

I an't asham'd to own my Priscilla hey— I married her to spite Mrs. Lucy— Shee agrees better with my Temper, hey— We shall do well enough if she will like Verses, hey—

O vile disobedient Wretch, marry a Poet, a maker of pro­fane Verses, a Lover of Songs and tinkling Instruments, a wicked, a­bominable, wretched, vile, profane adultrous—

Hold— stop his mouth— he will lose his Breath else— This Poet, and maker of profane Verses, Uncle, you thought good enough for me— why are you so angry? —

Away—away— vile, abominable, conspiring Cheats— Instruments of Satan— get you together, go, begon — the mad people are much better Company: You are full of Defilement, Sin, Pollution, and Abomination, away, begon.

I am glad that in the midst of thy Madness, thou holdest fast to the Truth. Brother Turbulent, be comforted, and gird up thy Loyns, I hope thou wilt recover this delirious Fit; and that we shall again meet with a breathing forth, for the strengthening and edify­in one another.

Go, get you together, I say I am not mad; but you are all a company of Fools and Cheats: This Usage will cure me, and let me see my self.

Let us depart, Brother Turbulent is disturbed; I doubt the Fumes of the unsanctified Wine are not yet out of his Head— Let him have rest.

Go, go, take your turn in Morefields, with your black Patch­es, and yellow Hood, the marks of the Beast—

Do not scandalize my Chicken— I'll take the Law of you.

Oh abominable, profane and reproachful mad man— I'll leave thee and thy madness together.

So — so — the Brethers and the Sisters are falling to pieces.

Well Tim. I hope to see thee restored again to thy right Sences— Dr. Quibus will take care of you.

Will you leave me here then?

Dis is de best place for you in de Varld Mr. Turbulent; here you may be turbulent, and rail at the Times, at de Govern­ment, at de Governors: Here you may speak de Treason all de [Page] day long, vitout de danger of de Prison, or of de Punish­ment.

But Master, they will not feed you we [...] I doubt.

Rogue, Sirrah, Jack, Varlet, Raskal, Dev [...]l, do you prate? —

What a many of Christian Names have I? Well Master, fare you well, I have provided my self of another Master here, Mr. Fair­love; but you first left me, and got a new Habitation.

Let me go to my own House I say— you will starve me here— you Doctor Devil.

Nay, dou shall have de Porridge in de Voden Dish; dou shall have de boil'd Mutton, and de Bred, and de Beer, and de Pill of de Ellebore now, tree times de Week—

Father Turbulent, fare you well, hey — We will talk of your Daughter's Portion hereafter, hey— Fa la la la la—

Dis de great pity Monsieur Cringe is not in de Betlem too— He very mush vants de Cure: he is mush trobled in de head vit de fa la—

Oh let him alone, Doctor, he has got a worse Bedlam be­half: His new married Wife will soon cure his fa la— you shall see

Dey be bote mad.

And will help to cure one another—

I will shut my Eyes against the Vanities of the Earth, and will stop my Ears, that I may not hear the abominable Noise of the musical Instruments: For this is a time of Tribulation—

I will continue here willingly— I shall get the Opportu­nity of meeting with the Heiress that is in Love with me— I shall get her, and that will be worth my Stay— Let them see who is mad then—

Oh I hear the Fiddles, they are coming — we will have one Dance among the mad Folks.

But first, shut up my Uncle, he will be stark mad indeed else—

Oh the wicked, abominable, riotous Age, Oh the noysom Fiddles, the Provocatives to Lightness and Skipping together, like the Goats, frisking with their Tails of Wantonness—Fire Sword Plague, Pestilence, Riot, Luxury, Chambering, Hell, Confusion, Blood, Tempest, Storm, Thunder, Lightning, Hail and Hail-stones, fall on your—

So—so—I thought the Noise of the Fiddles would make him stark mad—

[Page]

Let us be gone fro [...] the Carnal Noise of these lewd In­struments.

We will [...]eturn to our Vocation— Oh the abomina­ble Wickedness of t [...]s riotous Age.

So, we are rid of our Anabaptists.

They would spoil our Sport, hey — they are not fit Company for us, hey—

Plainly, these are the Carnal Instruments of Vanity.

Don't speak against 'em, hey— We will have a Dance, hey— Come, come, come, and you shall dance too, hey—

I will yield to thy Frailty.

Where is my Cousin Furnish? We want him to make one here.

'Faith Madam, it has been a fatal Morning with Mr. Fur­nish— He is under Tribulation.

Where is he? what ails he?

Alas poor man! Intending to come hither, a Brace of Ser­geants, or Devils, which you will, snap'd him upon an Executi­on, and has carried him to the Coach and Horses in Woodstreet; From thence Madam, I am come to be his Solicitor to you, that you may redeem him this time, or he is utterly lost.

Let him go to the Devil if he will — he ows me too much already—

'Faith Madam, that's unkind, I will speak one good word for the Gentleman, though I'm a Stranger to him; because he is so necessary an Evil the Commonwealth cannot be without. If it were not for such as he, Fools having the Favor of Fortune, would not know what to do with their Money. 'Tis they get Riches, and such as he ease them of the Burthen. They do but dispend their money for them, and set it into motion.

Nay Madam, help him this once, I'll joyn with you— he shall never suffer on my Wedding day.

Well, tell him, he shall have the money sent him anon— I'll make the Rogue pay me for't—

Thank you Madam—So, I think it was well he was ar­rested— He always comes off with flying Colors—

Come, you spoil our Sport, hey— Leave your Whis­pers and your Business till another time, hey— Fa la la la— Come Fiddles, strike up—

Come now, let us go over to the Pope's Head; you shall all be my Guests to day; and there Mr. Cringe shall have his Belly full of Dancing.

I never was at a Wedding in Bedlam before.

Fanaticks here may safely have their Frollicks.

The World's Great Bethlem, most men Melanchollicks.