THE LADIES LOSSE AT THE ADVENTURES OF FIVE HOURS: OR, THE Shifting of the Vaile.
Printed in the year 166 [...].
The Ladies Loss, &c.
YE
Females that
Do at
Adventures
For
hours five (or less, as't Enters)
And sometimes chance to
shift the
Vaile,
Not onely of the
Head, but
Taile;
Come listen, for it may concern ye,
How
Mulier formosa Superne
Desinit. In
Janivere,
Where
some were not, though
many were
All in the Fields of
Lincolns Inn,
The
Folk beginning to
Begin,
For Poet (hight the
Lord knows what)
Had made a Play of this and that;
Whereto resorted grave and fickle
As Saints did erst to
Conventicle:
Some dressing
Heads instead of
Vailes,
With Periwiggs; and some the
Tailes,
As it appear'd; by foul mischance,
When
Lady trim'd ith'
Mode of
France,
Drop'd
Utensils from 'twixt her
legs,
(No matter whether
Malls or
Peggs)
A pretty kind of fashion, that-
For
Girles to
Periwig a
Twat!
'Tis
sign (perhaps) it keeps good
orders,
When 'tis
confin'd within the
Borders.
How came the
custom with the pocks,
Puts
Member Privy under locks,
And nat
Italian? What
mishap
Occasion could this
After-clap?
Was it, O
Mother Gibbs, thy
care
To fit the
Lady to a
hair,
And fasten
Ware upon thy
word,
That leaves her
Ware like
Tayle of
Bird;
To every
Stage-wright made a scoff,
Like
Coot, with
Periwigg stript off.
'Twixt
Madams Legs (as sung the
Poet)
But 'twas so
lately done, all
know it.
But do not
(Muse) thus fondly raile
On the nice-
Trimmer of the
Taile;
Perhaps her
Art was not in
fault,
Securing every
slight assault;
Presuming,
Wight, would come to
hand,
Like a
Dutch Cow, or
Wench well
man'd,
And not endanger (as it chances)
Both
Member and
Appurtenances,
To the rude
hands of
Blade so
rough,
That mistakes
Merkin for a
Muff,
And carries all off with a
vengeance,
Then
rubs away (as erst did S
t.
Johns)
And never
minds for to
restore,
Or leave
behind, what's
lost before.
Oh
Varlet vile! who with fierce
handing
Hast done more
mischief (notwithstanding)
Then
Wallace with his
Tool so
stayward,
Can make amends for, though like
Bayard
He ne're so
stifly could stand to't,
This
gain that
loss could ne're
recruit:
For (as an
Author sayes) her
Mounsieur
Coming that night with thoughts to trounce her,
And finding his
Tatterdemalian
As
b
[...]ld as
Huswife clip'd
Italian,
Who in her
Infancy with
unction,
Is so
un-hair'd for future
function,
That after
Oyles and
Labours expence,
A
Barber there shall ne're earn
six pence.
He thus rebuk't her, — Be gar
Madam,
Me think your
Ladyship have
had 'um:
The case is
alter'd since I
foutred;
Your
Cunny is not well
accoutred:
Undress'd below the
Busk you be,
Some honest
Lad from
Muscovy
Will you present with
fur of
Rat
To
furnish out your
Twit-cum-twat;
A
Pox upon this
filthy Paltry
Commodity, that snodes like
Palfrey:
And though at first he was full fervent,
Kiss'd hand, and cry'd,
Your humble Servant:
And
Lady sad for
work oth'
day,
Did lose her
Night-work as they say.
So fared it with
Absolon,
Who found a
Beard, expecting
none.
When
Gossip (to his great amazement)
Turn'd
Tayle for
Smeller, out of
Cazement,
Womanaging so
cleaverly,
That
Nab kist
Tout full
savorly,
And started back, like
Horse cryes
Wy-hee
At Female-Beard, to hear her
Ty
[...]hee.
But let's return, (what e're it cost)
In
quest of
what our
Lady lost:
Some call it
one thing, some
another:
But, while the
Learned make a
pother,
And, in sundry
Disputes are,
Wee'l term it
Muff for
Lady-ware;
Though
it be neither
Budge nor
Miniver,
Worn in the
dayes of good Queen
Guinever:
The
Sisterhood in
Bloomsbury,
Have other
name to call it by;
But hold not fit that every
Lunges
Should understand
it, more then
Spunges,
Which for a special
Friend, or so,
They will produce; but if not, no.
Had
this befell in time oth'
Rump,
'That struck
them into such a
dump,
That (Stage-men all)
who ever gav't ye,
Before
Committee-men of
Safety
Had been led
captive, where he should
Shew
whence it
came, and whither 't
would:
For
they would soon have spent their
Verdict,
And made a
Law, none should
interdict.
(If
Harry Martins lucky wit
Had not by chance
discover'd it.)
First, to
secure all that were
Confederates with this
Enginere,
Who (as presum'd) had found a
trick
To
Beard the
Body-Politick:
Next that a
Privy-search be made
Throughout the
City, though the
Trade
Seem rather
Forreign then
Domestick,
(As being
intricate and
mystick:
Besides, the
Hogow, or the
stench
Was (some say)
Spanish, some say
French)
Last, that the
Author should be sent
To suffer
condign punishment.
A
Presbyter (for sometimes they
Will shuffle in to see a Play)
Listning with
open mouth, as
wide
As are in length of's
Ears; the
Hide
By chance espy'd in
clutch of
Player
(Who much admir'd the
twirle oth'
hair)
This
pretty Muff for
Lady-ware;
Who, as he nicely did it
handle,
Upheaving
Spectacle to
candle,
Quoth he, This is some
Popish shred,
Or
shaving of some
Fryer's head;
A piece of
Nuns work, fastned on
The
English Whore of
Babylon,
Sent hither by the
Lord knows
whom,
No more then does the
Pope of Rome.
An invention, 'twill move your laughter,
For us to run a whoring after.
So down he threw't, and fled from thence,
And troth I have not seen him since;
And (sooth to sayn) as matters go,
I care not wh're I do or no.
But
Lady gay, who
dropp'd the
Muff,
It seems did know him well enough,
And having (as she thought) a
claw
Against this
Gospel-Wright at
Law,
As having seen
Commodity,
Last in his hands (though odd it be)
Unto her
Lawyer did
complain,
Who told her that her
case was
plain,
And
Wright should render, or hee'd make him,
And
where she
found her
goods, to take 'em.
But
Presbyter having good witness,
That Stager's wife had try'd its
fitnesse,
After it was from his hands given,
(Intending with her to be even)
Remov'd the
cause with
certiorari,
Where (as I hear) 'tis like to tarry.
But one thinks 'twould have done as well,
By petty Herauld with a Bell:
O yes!
If any one of what account
Soever in the Town or Count—
ry, Have ta'ne up an
Instrument
Which
Women use for
Ornament
To set forth
Member that is private
(As the
main thing that people drive at)
Wherewith being
drest, the naked
Fubs
Looks not unlike the
Ace of
Clubs,
Or as the
Song sayes that is
told
By
Fidler touching
Marygold,
Which if it chance to
slip, or so,
When as the
Sign's in
Scorpio,
The Mortal that was in
conjunction,
Looks somewhat like the
Man oth'
Moon
That goes off with a
bush on's
back;
One cannot say — it's Eye is
black:
But (as discerning
Authors say)
The Ground is
black, the Eye is
gray,
Befitting
Jane as well as
Cisley,
Whose special mark is, that
'tis grisley;
Whereby appears (as
Damrose Page sed)
Such
things are us'd amongst the
aged.
But be she either
Wife or
Virgin,
Or
Widow, 'tis not worth the urging:
Did you but
know, you'ld not deny her,
Who ever brings
it to the
Cryer,
Shall have for's pains in coming home,
The pleasure to
cover and
come.
'Till when the thousandth
Maiden-head.
Is to be let unfurnished.
FINIS.