TRuth and Dreames (according to the vulgar opinion of men) agree not in one and the same subject, but are in such estran­ged enmity, that the appea­rance of the one annihilates the birth of the other: this is a general rule, & therfore approved of; but notwithstanding there is no ge­nerall rule, but it hath an exception, and there­fore this must participate of the same law; for which I shall ever acknowledge my selfe a slave to sleepe, and a more facile creditour of Dreames; and those that are of a perverted will, that will beleeve nothing, but what selfe vision instructeth, let them attend to the ensuing discourse, and when I have concluded, they shall say this Dreame is true, which now I beginne to re­hearse.

One night (a happie night, the returne to my ease and r [...]st, perioded with the end of all my mi­series,) I had no sooner embarked my fatigated corpes in the couch of nocturnall repose, pur­posing to delude my sorrows with the pension of some pleasing imagination, when passion and [Page 2] Reason fell into so desperate a controversie, that I could in no wise judge, but that my vexed soule was intirely given up to the furies to bee tor­mented. The cause of this my Busirian calami­ty issued from that monstrous Pasiphae, my Mistris, who deserved rather the just appellation of a cruell Syren, then serene female, more re­sembling a Cockatrice, then a kind lover; and to call her embraces, mercifull piety, is to ap­propriate unto her the killing qualities of the attractive Magnes, or rather that insatiable appe­tite of Sylla, who chiefly lusteth after an avariti­ous receiving, not lesse ruinous, then perpetuall; and indeede I cannot compare her greedy desire more fitly to any thing, then materia prima, which gapeth after the destruction of an absent forme, to deface that, which now perfects and adornes her deformity; for shee making me the cadaver of her love to feede her helluous gorge, never ceased to crave, untill she had induced this new forme of poverty, which I am now actuated with; nor had I as yet emerged my low-sunck senses out of the imprisoning dungeon of love, had my gold and treasure continued But in fine, as I may say, in the bottome of my store, when parsimony comes too late, my hands were not so yellow in the palmes, nor could my pockets afford a gingling chearefulnesse; the clouds of perfumes, I used to walke in, were dispersed, the Cuchinell, Arabian tinctures, sericall vermines endeavours, Hydaspian floods, and Orientall lusters were faded, dead, dryed up, and ship­wracked, and I desolate in the wildernesse of dis­disdaine; [Page 3] and now at lest vested in the sheepes ruggednesse, determined rather to bee a martyr (as indeede I both was, and still remaine) then a confessor: for finding my selfe culpable of nothing but poverty, and most assured my poverty was so low and desperate, and my fortune so disjoynted, that it was an impossible apprehension to conceive any amendment, I knew it was frivolous to confesse, because I was uncapable of absolution: Nay, finding my selfe in such a desperation of redresse, the vehemence of my distracted cogitations dispossessed mee of my senses, compelling them to the silent yoake of sleepe. But yet kind Morpheus was so be­nigne, that hee charmed not my phansie to the submission of that slothfull dulnesse, but gave it free liberty to act its dumbe tragecome­dies.

Thus was the sentinell of my pentarchical soul­diers permitted to rest; and those other interiour demesticks, whose tyred spirits had not sufference to march on in nocturnall obscurity, closed up their incorporeall eyes, with a soft whisper to the pavilion of their silence: when the dreaming sense (that workes up mountaines of admiration, which prove but mole-hills in the morning) ambled about, like Will-with-the wispe, dauncing rounde layes through the Morphean meadowes, and in short space entred the Isle of Cyprus, and (phansie being my guide) I imme­diately seemed to be at the great Court of Love, where I found a by-pathed gate, which led me into Loves pleasant garden; better and more [Page 4] proper had I said, if I had said, it appeared plea­sant, because it was Loves garden, and more­over the apparition was a dreame, and there­fore of small estimation with the watchfull; and I may also terme it pleasant Ironically, because it is not that which Poets vaunt of, when the He­liconian streames allay the tumor of a love sick soule, but rather a banke of weedes pullulating too abundantly with rugged▪ nettles, ulcerous trash, and poysoning flowers.

Walking on, I espied the bloody Mulbery, at the foote whereof lay the worme-eaten bones of that paire, which Cupids fury committed to the tragedy of a slaughtering sword. Here I be­gan to per [...]patize and philosophate upon the force and efficacie of this passion, that occasio­ned this murder, untill at last I cast my eyes upon the virgin Laurell, which although it grew with­out the garden walles, yet was it in such an e'e­vation, that I saw it, or at least seemed to see it, and passing neerer to it, I began to contemplate Apollos happinesse (according to the vaporous species that then did swimme in my braine) when Daphnes metamorphosis commanded the amorous flood of his spring-tide-passion to re­tire. Well might I say and reiterate my speeches; Thy labyrinth of discontent was fortunatly cut downe, and abbreviated by a deified fury, since thy labour, care, and vigilance was all abolished and remitted to repose, by a scornefull speede, or speedy scorne: happy, O thrice happie I, had such benevolent fortune encountered me in the birth, or baptisme of my amorous engagement: [Page 5] for I plainely see, that disdaine is a sweete cur [...]e, especially, when it is so killing, that it breedes a carelesse in the disdained Lover, other wise it ushereth on his owne miserie, forcing a man to consume his whole patrimony to buy disdaine for a captive, as my adversity, or adverse love, (which wee may justly nominate disdaine) recompensed my sollicitude with ruinous ef­fects.

But yet I must audaciously condemne Apollo, for that his immoderate desire permitted a violent rap [...]ure to eclipse the rayes of his judicious wise­dom [...]; neither will I adventure to blame him for loving, but for invading a virgin so openly, with such lascivious fervour, & such obscene speeches▪ for Virgins are not onely coy at the first congra­tulation, but also modest and full of blushing: obscene words are worse then the deede it selfe, and therefore if you will purchase your desir [...], you must chuse darkenesse to bee your guide and speaker, and your evidence must not bee, what you can say, but what you can doe: for know, that silence with action is a maidens delight. But besides all this, if a liberall hand be not stretch­ed forth, you shall often see the back-side of your idole, then her smiling countenance. And this was great Apollos errour; for hee that gene­rateth gold and silver, which in this age are the Circe that bewitcheth the world, the Medea of skill, reducing old decrepidnesse to a youthfull flourishing: even deformity her selfe in this look­ing glasse appeares more beautifull then faire A­donis in beauties ardent eves: Haddest thou, O [Page 6] Apollo, the dominion of this potent, powerfull, and golden generation, and would'st not bestow a fee upon her thou had'st in chase? had thy gift beene without interest, it would have beene stiled a worthinesse acted for a beauties sake. How couldest thou forget thy Danoe? why didst not thou reflect upon her, whose mute consent ope­ned her willingnesse to thy wishes? was it not those trickling dropps of gold, that caused her to open her lappe, to the end shee might containe thee the more? and the more shee opened, the more was thy liberty: I cannot conceive any thing more or lesse, but that Cupids bolt had clouded thy clearenesse, since that the only win­ning way was in thy hand, and thy drowsinesse neglected to executed the same.

As thus my fancy wasted invectives against the God of Wisedome, the God of Love instantly placed himselfe before me, all naked, with his harnesse of artilery, as hee is accustomed to bee painted: yet was he not blind, as frequently his delineation instructeth, but either hath recovered his sight, or at least conserveth that which hee never lost: neverthelesse his nakednesse ceaseth not to beg an almes of the distressed wretch, and will make no conscience to steale away cloathes from him that hath but one vestment, for hee re­gards not whom he non-suites. In fine, I ado­ring him for a supreme deity, implored his ayde, thereby hoping to extract my selfe forth of that tediousnesse, which his power had wrapped mee in. But he smiling tooke me by the hand, and step by step leading me through his maskering [Page 7] shades, read my secret objections in this man­ner.

I perceive the discription which your eyes have read in admiring me, hath sufficiently infor­med you, who I am, although your mentall complaints vaile your dull ignorance in a cloud of greater darknesse; because I finde your errour, which hath alwaies constituted, or at least con­ceived me to be Archbishop of unity and divine love: which prerogative, as it is but nominall and of your imp [...]sition, so it is a reall mistake, for [...]ome it is nomen falsum, et titulus sine re: for my name is Cupido, which more serious reflection wil explicate to be Covetousnesse; you may call me Vnion abusively, because covetousnesse aymes at the union of treasure; you may call mee also love, because covetousnesse loveth treasure or riches: if therefore any fault can bee imagined, make an intuit into your owne endeavours, and my name, and you will confesse your owne blind­nesse: looke upon your owne losses, and you will conclude, that I am not onely the god of Covetousnesse, but also of Interest, because Co­vetousnesse includes Interest.

The Platonists indeede, being of a generous opinion, say, I am liberall, which appeareth by my nakednesse; and the Poets also affirme the same; but I thinke they might aswell assume liberality to themselves, unlesse they were bet­ter furnished with money and apparrell; this fiction is their misery, for they are so in love with their owne Genius, Hippocrene or Helicon, that they take care for no more then a shirt to shift [Page 8] themselves, when they come forth of these bathes: Alas, these penetrate not the depth of my craft; for I goe not thus disrobed, because I am a largitious and profuse disperser of my owne pa­trimony, but contrarywise, because I am misera­ble and covetous. For I have my Chests and Coffers well filled with Gold and treasure, & my guard robe plentifully furnished with all sorts and fashions of cloathes; I only put on this face of poverty, because I am perpetually vested a­new; and the ofter I shew my penury, the more bagges I heape up in my treasure-house. You may now therefore at this knowledge, Epimethe­us like, weepe away your folly, and come to re­pentance before you sterve.

Could you be so simple, as to thinke, I were prodigall and generous, and yet never bestowed any thing on so faithfull a servant as your selfe? perhaps you imagined I had given all away, but the next rent day, it would fall to your share. Attend therefore, and I will fructifie your appre­hension with the declaration of all those that are subject to this erroneous mistake.

Cupido or Cupid is the worlds desire; it is that baser heape of love, which mundane creatures a­dore: for being that all things desire to be united with that, which is most agreeable to their natu­rall condition, & this love being mundane, as the creatures themselves are, therefore they naturally thirst after this love: This is gold and all sub­lunary treasure, extracted out of the bowels of this terrene globe, that causeth so much enamo­ration: this is the gemmish mischiefe, which in­fernall [Page 9] Dis or Pluto the worlds Vsurer and grand Bishop is patron of; who hath constituted mee his Bayliefe, to gather his tythes, tenths, and in­terest; granting full power to extort not onely tenthes, but twenties, nay in every hundred halfe, or all if I can clutch it: because my covetous ap­petite must for small curtesies receive triple, yes tenfold Interest: and for this cause I am called amongst the wisest the Vsurers bagge, or the god of Interest, and onely in an oblique kinde stiled the God of love, onely to signifie that all love Interest. For it is the ganderwise traine of Igno­ramus his scholers, who take me to be the potent peere, and open-handed God, that gives ease to all passions, that savour of the fury of an amorous desire, darting golden shafts which unite soules in heavenly harmony, never to feele misery after this stroke, when really there is no such thing within the whole latitude of my power.

For I must ingenuously confesse, that there is no true love, no true union, no true delight, but proceedes from the supreme divinity, the pure and immateriall essence of the omnipotent King, and sole ruler of all celestiall and terrestiall crea­tures: it is the love which hee powers downe upon us, that supernaturall bounty, which by how much the more it is fought for, so much the more is the increase of it; for it is a communi­cative delight, whose chiefe propriety is perpe­tually to streame into the hearts and soules of all that are capeable thereof: This love is free, li­berall, profuse, truely generous, and without li­mitation; swifter then thought, vaster then the [Page 10] concave of this universe, which is but a narrow stage, if divine love should act upon it: And therefore, if simplicians conceit they shall finde this profundity in my ebnes, they deceive their expectation, and will in the end lament the shal­lownes of their sequestred intelligence. Friend, you conceive Interest to be liberality, and take poverty by the hand, if you goe to meete me in a generous weede: for when you receive a kisse by my direction, it may chance to make you under­goe a twelve moneths penance, or, as it hath now, groane under a seven yeares servitude: I have knowne a smile fetch off all the flesh of a mans back, and the giving of a handkerchiefe cost more then it would hold, had it beene filled with diamonds, to requite the kindnesse; because no­thing is given by mee or mine, but it hath a hooke in the end, that brings backe a double In­terest.

If therefore you will rightly know my name, I am the god of Interest, begot of Lascivious co­vetousnesse, Bayliefe to Dis, and Pander to the world. And because you are in the court of Cy­prus, and peradventure may not so suddainely consent to this, which I have affirmed in my short narration, I will favour you so much, as to shew you my Vniversity, or schooles of In­terest, which (thanks be to fooles) is the most po­pulous, most ample, and most famous Vniver­sitie in the world, where the women proceede graduates, and the men degradates, and all under my moderation, wearing the signet of this facul­ty, as registred here form their matriculation, [Page 11] even unto the honour of doctorates, and the men dumbe-pocketed-dunce-pates. In speaking this, I found my selfe conducted neere to a very large poarch, whose frontispiece contained these words in capitall letters, and of gold.

And under this title was inserted this tetrasti­con, not lesse curious for the golden shew, then dangerous for those that should enter the port.

No sooner had I conceived these words, but the effect that the Remora causes to a shippe, the very same these cautions words wrought in my demurring limbes, where I stood as if I had beene thunder-strucke, or confined by the power of a spel to a foot-broad peece of ground: for considering the poore condition of my ayery purse (ayery I may call it, because there was not one peny in it to expulse that element) I had no motion left in mee to performe the obligation, which my curiosity exacted by entring therein; since I was not more free from any thing, then how to free my selfe from this imminent voyage: untill at length my Patron raised up my spirits, and animated my cowardize; saying.

[Page 12]This lingring stop, which you now practise, argues not so much a fainting spirit; as an unre­flective and dull wit; for since you have nothing to loose, you need not feare robbing, and for any violence, it is against the rules of our Vniversitie: you onely enter now with mee to see, not to bee circled in the list of a Collegian in my Vniversi­ty: and therefore be audacious; for if my cour­tiers see such a dejected person brought into their schooles, they will not onely laugh you to scorne for a woodcocke, but so amaze your ab­ject and degenerous appearance with the very clamour of a ridiculous sound, that you will faint when you fixe your feete: bee couragious, for my female traine is not altogether that sort of Nunnes, where you must pay for what you see; but rather like a faire or great market, where you shall see for love, and buy for money.

Thus the obstacle beeing removed, the dead palsey in my joynts was expulsed by a warmth, which gave mee freedome to walke, untill wee came to the second port, which gave entrance to all the classes, which (God willing) as Cupid did open them to me, I will open them in order to you, in the forme following. I casting up my head espied a faire character with these words.

Vnder which was this distick subsiged.

[Page 13] After my conductor had entred I made bold to follow, and finding my selfe in a large and spa­cious hall, whole severall ports gave me to un­derstand, that I was now environed rond about with all the classes, and consequently with all the sciences Loves Vniversitie contained.

Cupid turning himselfe towards mee, said; now friend you are in Loves Vniversity, where you shall presently see women of severall ages, witts, and beauties, who teach their masculine disciples the liberall arts, so that those, who are most prompt in this faculty of liberality, with most celeritie proceede graduates. Here be many Colledges, over which I am President; and al­though you may condemne the overseers, for that they brush not and cleanse their chambers, as it is the custome in other Vniversities, yet you must know, that we abhorre so much this quali­ty, that if a pretendent have but a cleansed purse or pocket, which hath beene brushed by an ex­tracting set of fingers, wee immediately expulse him out of our Vniversity. The men are all of the tribe of Dan, but it is to be understood para­gogically, for we ascribe them de tribu Dant, as a more proper appellation according to the con­dition of their quotidian exercise. The women are de tribu Levi, but you must note that it is cautiously to be applied, and understood, for they are never Leves, quando pecuniarum summae sunt breves: but onely quando altera lanx ponderosior est, levifacit eas. And in speaking this we arrived at the first classe, which had these verses engraved on the doore.

I was no sooner entred this spacious classe, but at one glance I vewed an innumerable number of beauties, which shined like so many sunnes in a cleare and serene morning, had not their hook­ing talents informed otherwise: and as children begin to squeale out their lessons, when their Ma­ster enters the schoole, the same feare of stripes (as I suppose) possessed these darlings: for they had no sooner cast their eyes upon their grand Master Cupid, but they began to voyce it forth with all sorts of tones: I perceived they were all perfect in their syllables, both English & Latine. But I observed moreover an unheard of method, which they observed also as a precept; for the youthfull gallants were seated all of one rancke, and over against them the dainty minions, these proposing with a notable lifted voyce this mo­no syllable, da, da; to whom the young petitio­ners answered in as high a note, do, do; And thus enterchangably did they onely sit smiling at each other, reiterating this short ode, or odi­ous sharpenes, which tumult seeming offensive to my eares, I directed my steppes towards some other damsells, which were writing, and learners as I perceived after: I viewed and perused the comely and decen [...] forme of their letters, and praised the handsome shape, and even position [Page 15] thereof; to which shee whom I praised answe­red.

Wonder not that a girle so young should become so perfect a scribe; for although I wholly bend my desire and willingnesse hereto, yet know moreover, that our God hath in stiled into my fingers a dexterity, adopted for the same, and last of all I am so fitted with instruments conducing to my intent, that you could not but condemne mee of dulnesse, if I were not a very famous proficient.

Whilest my attention observed her speeches, my eye carried another species to the common sense, and so it passed to those other more perfect powers; and what was it, but that these damsel [...]s pennes were all made of Harpies wings and o­ther ravenous birds, such as are Hankes, Cor­morants and the rest, whose avaritious livng they imitated. Nothing more seriously some others, many of them began alwaies with, Received, Re­ceived: some were writing letters of Exchange, others to set slaves free, because they could not comply with the demand of their mistresses: some reading what their amorous servants had presented them with: these registring the pro­mises of their lovers: some noting downe the use of lippes, so many peeces; halfe a dozen courtesies, three smiles, a dozen of noddes, foure beckes, a quarter of an houres talke, the promise of a meeting, and a million of such engagements, every one with a hanging seale, as the clogge of Interest.

I wondred that I could not see any thing con­cerning [Page 16] disbursements, wherupon I demanded of Cupid, whether there was any or noe: We have a booke, answered he; which he shewed me, and it was one in folio, whose superscription was, A memorandum of disbursements; which I evolving, found from the beginning to the end nothing but blankes: at which I wondering more then be­fore, Cupid said to me, we have no disbursements of the female side, because it is their proper office to receive, not to pay: and this booke was made for the courtiers which my female flocke entertaines, but they more lofty spirited then pursewise, climbing up to higher schooles in our liberall sciences, scorned to disgrace them­selves in this primary with the setting downe of their charges, left the same to be cast up and num­bred at the consummation of their charges; which before they can attaine unto, their lands are mor­gag'd, their annuities consumed, and in fine their whole substance all powred into their minions Lappes.

But because I should not defatigate my selfe in an over-curious perusuall of these cheaters, Cupids call commanded me to progresse to the second schoole of Rudiments, which is the Ac­cedence to Grammer, where over the port, as be­fore, I reade this lesson, as an invitance in.

[Page 17]This hall was not onely more ample then the other, but it was also better furnished with stu­dents of both sexes, who according to the theme prefixed, conjugated do, das; but with this dif­ference, that the men conjugated through all moodes and tenses; saying, do in the present tense, dabam in the preterimperfect, dedi, dabo: but the women did onely beate on their commands in the Imperative moode and present tense, saying; da, dato; date, datote. Passing some thing aside, where were seated the more fresh principiants: I observed that after they had made an end of Musa, (which they tuned forth with a new tune, as beeing the burden to the song that began with do) they passed to lapis, adjoyning to it the Adjective pretiosus. I asking Cupid the cause hereof; hee gave mee this reason: the se­cond declination in the rudiments of Emmanuel Aluaro doth not exemplifie by magister, but dominus; which word none here dare to pro­nounce, because of the short and ingardly pro­nunciation, for our delight is in long and large accents, because wee still expect and waite for those which are liberall, and extend their love in large gifts: therefore if they should decline this word, they must observe this rule, that the wo­men should decline do minus, and the men do mi­nas, because the other is much against our pro­ceeding, for if the men should say dominus, they would presently become dunces, not finding one to instruct their ignorance, since hee that gives least, knowes least in our sciences.

Then Cupid commanded one of his smiling [Page 18] girles to decline manus; she with an humble o­besance and demure curtesie glancing her optical darts round about, after shee had setled her selfe in a majesticall composure, began thus. Dativo manibus largis, genetivo manuum largarum, for they alwaies annexed adjectives to their substan­tives, of which they had a set number, fitting their vocation, but yet I hearing the sweet maide to begin after this unusuall manner, supposed shee had erred, and began to correct her; but Cupid made answer, saying; peace friend, for she saies well: which when I argued the method of our different constitutions, the witty girlemade mee this reply: Sir, we studdy not here that artifici­all method which you harpe upon, but that de arte amandi; in which if you will be a perfect casuist, you must first practise causes dandi, which is the generall rule in our classe prefixed before all other. Although I was stuck with ad­miration of the novelty, yet I was so fully satis­fied with her answer, that I had no reason left to retort a contrary syllable.

But since that this (as I thought preposterous) answer had disordered so, that it bred in mee a misty confusion, I made an humble supplication to this pretty damsell, that shee would rectifie my rudenesse, and instruct mee in the true position of Loves cases: and in speaking these words, I found all to bee certaine which Cupid had formerly declared; for she step­ped out of her rancke, and holding out her spread apron expected my liberality, to unlock [Page 19] her lippes, that her tongue might make my docill understanding capeable of her documents; which when I perceived, I was no lesse ashamed, then unapt to comply with her mute petition. Whereupon Cupid broke silence, saying: favour, it is not the custome here to demand any further, be it never so small, unlesse you pay Intrest for it: for it is not articulating mouth that obtaines free­dome in this Vniversitie, but the purses mouth, that prevailes, for let the purse make any sort of noyse, it is interpreted to bee the winning lan­guage, that no sooner speakes but is heard, and no sooner is heard, but it obtaines the maisters desire: otherwise we observe the physicall max­ime: ex nihilo nihil fit. Notwithstanding, since I promised to shew you my Vniversity, I will not be slow to give you notice of the orders ther­in; for you must know that none of my disci­ples can doe this favour, unlesse they they would incurre the crime of expulsion, but for mee I am extra regulam.

Advert therefore that the first is casus dandi, and the next casus gignendi; because the Dative be­gets the Genitive; and when the Dative is no case: that is, not of force, for that the penurious caitive, or ruffinous swaggerer hath sworne and drunke himselfe not onely out of cloathes, but also out of money, then the Genitive is likewise no case. The Nomnative sometimes we name, & no more: the Accusative is not knowne amongst us, because all must be so free, that none can bee accused of negligence to reward their dearest. My minions have a rule for the Vocative case, [Page 20] which only strike and is termed at their cour­tiers eares, which is; Qui non est Dativus quando Vocatiuus clamitat, non est sodalis Amoris. Yet marke the private rule of the females. When the Vocative endeth in us, the Dative endeth in as. The Ablative is the womans case onely, for be­cause they take all, nay they not onely take, but they take away all that is given, never regarding any recompense, but onely the common, which is thankes, I am your servant, and so: and there­fore we constitute the Dative and the Ablative to be correlatives.

We likewise hold the opinion of the Aristo­telians and true Thomistes, that Relatio fundatur in quantitate, this quantitas we say is Dativus; and therefore this is our Logicall discourse, Sublato fundamento relationis tollitur ipsa relatio: sed Dativus est fundamentum Ablativi; ergo sublato da­tivo aufertur etiam & Ablativus: and what we say of the Dative in respect of the Ablative, the same we likewise say in liew of the Genitive, quia non admittimus casum Gignendi, si non adfuerit casus Dandi. Neither be mistakē, for it is not casus dan­di in praesens only, but casus dandi secundum prius, vel antecedentèr. But let us omitte this anticipa­tion, since this is not the Classe which exacteth either this forme or doctrine. Wee have and set downe here as prime and chiefe one Substantive, one Adjective, one Pronoune, and one Verbe; for example these which follow with their best relishing compounds: Pecunia tota mea est. Our genders properly are but two: the Masculine, which we call genus portans, and the Feminine, [Page 21] which is genus recipiens. To the Female of Fe­minine gender belong all sorts of metall, which are of value and estimation; likewise al stones be of the feminine gender, even those that are pro­per to men, are attributed to the female kinde and therefore, we say in our Grammer rule: Propria quae maribus, foemineo generi tribuuntur. The new­ter gender is accounted an Eunuch amongst us, & therfore all newters, as stannum, aes, cuprum, plum­bum, and such like rebellious metalls we burne for heretickes, and the same torture is inflicted upon the Neuter gender, because he that enters our classe under this gender, is neither active in the Masculine, nor passive in the Feminine gender, but all Eunuch, all neuter, neuter. As c [...]ncerning the Commons, wee admit of them as they bee common, but not else: for the common of two is an hermaphrodite in loves schooles, and the common of three a monster: but our method in these common genders, is read in this manner: the common to two, the common to three, the com­mon to thirty, the common to three hundred, and so forth▪ The doubtfull is excluded, for that it promiseth nothing of certaine. But yet we could reduce all these tolerated genders to the Epicene but onely that I permit the Masculine and the Feminine to sport sometimes in the commons.

Numbers wee admit of, but yet hee that will winne his Mistris soonest, must complement in the plurall, for the singular is but a slender num­ber, & therfore not able to satisfie her more capa­tious appetite; so that those that will be accomp­ted the best proficients, must be perfect practiti­oners [Page 22] in the dative cause and plurall number.

In the tract of this discourse wee had surroun­ded the classe, and preparing to passe to the next, I desire Cupid to benefit mee with the relation of the rest contained in this schoole: It is needlesse said Cupid, for there is like difference betwixt ours & those which are taught in other schooles: only that wee reject some few rudiments, and transpose in a severall order; as for example: of our undeclined parts of speech the Preposition is first, and the next is the Coniunction; the reason hereof is this: we ayme at Interest, therefore be­fore the men attaine to their wish, they must pre­pose or give something, and then no doubt but they shall have a conjunction copulative at their demand.

Of all the prepositions we except onely Ad­versus and Contra; conjunctions Adversatives, and Diminatives we hold to be meere obsoletes; and constitute Reddatives cheifly to be followed and practized.

My Females admit not of an Interjection, un­till they have their hands filled with gold, which causeth them to exercise their spleene with ha, ha, he, and then perhaps they draw the curtaine of silence.

Foure sorts of Adverbes are those which are of most estimation with us, two for the men and two for the women: the mens are Quantity and Number, which they present unto the Wishing and Choosing women. And in speaking this we came to the Grammer schoole, whose frontall was thus inscribed.

I was no sooner entred into this classe, but the numberlesse multitude of beauties gazed with such coy, yet constant, eyes upon me, to see such a shrimp adventure into their presence, that were so richly spangled with the choysest vest­ments, natures store, and arts invention could trimme them with; for in comparison of these relucent Angels I could not choose but stile my selfe the most contemptible animall God had created, and the earth nursed up.

But yet Cupid revived my dying spirits when he said. Attend ye derlings of delight, and give honourable respect to this shipwracked souldier, who hath so couragiously fought under our co­lours, and borne loves banners to the disabling of himselfe; for hee to maintaine your pompe hath suncke himselfe to this ebbe, who was in times past as powerfull in the purse, as these your present rufflers are: and although it is contrary to custome to returne that backe, which you have once received, yet at least give a little know­ledge to his forerun harmes, because I pitty him in his miserie, although I cannot sorrow for the losse of his substance.

This said hee turned towards me in this wise: Although our ascent in schoole makes a different letter from those rules which Lilly teacheth, yet [Page 24] we cease not to insist something upon his inven­tion, albeit wee convert that of his to our proper use, which you shall understand in the pursuite: And fitting up his hand, he gave a signe to one of his traine, saying, recite unto us the speciall and prime rules in Grammer concerning Nownes: to which she making a bewitching obeisance thus declared he [...] Soveraignes command.

What if your servant, said Cupid, come with an extended hand all gilded in the palme; what say you then?

But suppose the pretendent curtesan bee but a phantasme, a shadow, a meere masse of penury, like unto this decayed peece of misery (pointing at me) what is your rule? then she with a disdaine­full countenance, a supercilious brow, and a re­proachfull eye said.

What is your interpretation for this last di­sticke: she answers.

[Page 25]Shee performed this last repetition with so sincere a laughter, and such a lascivious gesture, that I would compare her more fitly to no crea­ture living, then the ravenous strumpet, that in­fernall Hecate which consumed me, so that now I concluded that any one might play upon their virgin string, that harmonious minikin string of her lute, that could but shew his silver pen: whereupon I asked Cupid what was their rule for chastitie: who answered, wee have a generall rule, which is to be observed, yet it hath as many exceptions granted, as there bee or shall bee op­portunities to violate the same. For as soone as they have passed their conjunction copulatives, then they take the degree of Licentiates, because they have licence granted to practise any sience art, or activitie, that their capacitie can climbe un­to, to gaine the indulgencie of their liberall curte­sans: yet ever premised, that they have a vehement respect to their chiefe goale, which is interest.

For as it is a generall saying, nay so generall that it hath no exception with you; No penny, no Pater Noster; so it is with us in the like man­ner, for we say: No treasure, no pleasure: And these graduates, as wee have above mentioned, be of the tribe of Levi. I beeing not fully satis­fied in my petition, interrupted Cupid, desiring him to solve me of the difficulty, which yet re­mained; to wit, to instruct me how I should con­ceive that these schooles could observe the lawes of chastity, when as they waited continually for an opportunity to shipwracke this vertue? O friend, said hee, the very time of their waiting is [Page 26] their profession and professing of chastity; for their intention is not to commit an errour on their virginity, but an absolute dominion over their owne possession and custodie, the totall in­heritance their servants can or have attained unto; so to send him or them to their shorne compani­ons in daw faire to eate a woodcock pie, where their grace before meate is; Mascula nomina in as dicuntur multa virorum. For after they are thus cheated of their substance, they scarce can ab­staine (such is their desperation) from dissanul­ling their hospitall-fashioned carcasse of life, ex­posing themselves to sorrow and lamentations unmercifull huggs; and after they have breakfa­sted of this dish of simplicity, they say this after­meate grace following: Rarior est hilarus, vox est hilaris bene nota. For hilarity belongeth not to them, but to those that fare well, which are the Females; which causeth them to say that Hilaris is not in use.

But let us proceede, said Cupid, to the Syntaxi­ans schoole, and as we walke I will rehearse and explaine some rules which belong to our verball method. This is the order of the first rule, which the women begin thus: As in praesenti; the men answering, perfectum format in have I. Which Cupid interpreted thus. The woman saies to her Idolator, that hee is an asse in the present tense; and when her loving simplician hath wasted all his store, and findeth himselfe neglected, he sighes and saies, have I found out your deceit? I never yet learned to say no, I am now an as. Now I also finde the connective sense of that exception, [Page 27] Do das rité dedi, sto stas formare steti, vult. For dedi and steti are relatives, because as long as I gave I stood, but now I can give no more, I fall from all familiaritie, and must now beginne the mournefull verse, Dot fleo fles &c. indeque natum deleo delevi; for to speake truly, I have blotted my self out of the register of graduates, & meerely by nothing but my too much precipitant prodigality; and therefore must entreate my teares to obtaine pardon for my vanity which hath pulled poverty upon me.

When I heard Cupid act this part, I was struck with a vehement incitement to inject a stop in his way, that I might have proceeded in the same theme, because I apprehended it to bee a wrong unto me, that had so largely tasted the bitternesse of this experience: notwithstanding I gave a great groane and said, O Cupid, I am a reall soul­dier in this campe, for I have turned the Inter­jection ô, to be no Interjection, but a verbe, I have changed woing into owing, and woe in ô, and now I decline nothing but ô, ô, ô, per omnes modos et tempora.

Repentance, said Cupid, is nothing but sottish­nesse, when it comes too late; cheere up and bee merry, you will live the longer time; you have great reason to be glad if you considered all; for you must know, therefore you were stung with my waspish dart, because you were rich, and if you will bee rich againe, you shall be as ill tor­mented as ever you were; therefore rejoyce that you beeing poore, are uncapeable of this vexing torment.

[Page 28]Come let us passe to the place intended: but yet before we enter the classe, marke our Verbes compound, how amiable and pleasing they are to my Minions, and how they smile and spread their lappes, when they heare this rule pronounced, Syllaba Semper, quam simplex geminat, composto bis geminatur. Nay this doubling rule prickes on the courtly gallants wonderfully to gratifie their beautious mistresses, because this reduplication leades to that gemination where the brisk blades find their supines, who informe the men the truth and good liking of their former gifts, saying, Nunc ex praeterito discas formare supinam; for if you had not doubled in the preter tense, you had found no supine: and therefore the witty girles say to those that desire this supinall doctrine, and end in Neede, want, &c. Haec rarò aut nunquam retinebunt verba supinam.

But now said Cupid, we delay too much in this classe, let us follow our intention; whereupon wee directed our steppes to the schoole of Syn­taxe: and upon the conducting port I read this inscription.

As I was entring the schoole or hall, there was a screene, upon which there was this sentence in­scribed.

Which I perceived to bee a specificall distin­ction, because Impersonalls had no government there. In this classe all were busied in composi­tion: and as we walked I espied in one of their bookes this rule, Verbum infiniti modi converti­mus in finitum; whereby I understod the dex­terity of the females in minorizing the heapes of their servants to increase their owne.

As I was descanting upon the nimblenesse of their talents, I heard a tunable voyce say, Ad­jectivum cum substantivo numero consentit. And why not, genere, answered I? to which Cupid made reply, saying: you must know, that by the Adjective is understood the man, and by the Substantive, or more properly speaking, the Sub­tractive, the woman, who demands of her Ad­jective this or that summe of money to furnish her with a new gowne, gorget, or the like, so that they agree not in true & legitimate construction, untill he consenteth to the number of pounds shee desires, for you know that the Adjective must conforme it selfe to the Substantive, not the con­trary: but they can never agree in Gender, be­cause they be of two different sexes: but yet repli­ed I, why not then in case, according to Lillies constitutions? because, said Cupid, the mans case is the Dative, and the womans is the Ablative, vt constat ex supradictis: And for this reason wee say, Verbes of receiving or taking away require an Ablative case.

[Page 30]But for opus and usus, they have no neede of an Ablative case, because they have nothing left to furnish it with, unlesse it bee that odious devill Penuria. Notwithstanding Adjectiva quae copiam significant, Ablativo gaudent, interdum & geniti­vo: for those which have plenty, shall finde a way to be empty; and those which are full, shall have a gull; and though in the night they ob­taine their delight for a little space, yet they shall pay, if they live but till day, for their em­brace.

Now of all rules in Syntax this is the chiefe, to wit: Verba dandi sunt praecipua in schola Amandi. And Verba promittendi sunt optima juncta verbis solvendi: otherwise they are as bad as Imperso­nalls: But est pro habeo is a strange rule; and Nomen praemii is of great esteeme, and never is at rest, till it rest in Ablativa: This shee case is that which bagges up all this schoole; for my fe­male traine no sooner see one loaded with golden pockets, but they immediately salute him with an easement, saying, Ego hoc te fasce levabo; it is reason you should doe so, answereth the wood­cocke againe; because Adjectivo et verba abun­dandi, implendi & onerandi Ablativo gaudent: and thus hee yeelds up the soules of his pockets for hopes of a smile, an embrace, or a kisse.

The Gerund in Do, is that which commandeth friendship, and obtaineth it also: but the Gerund in Dum is whipped out of our schooles for a lazie companion; for our Actives have no gerunds in Dum, and therefore they governe no case here; for since this gerund cannot possibly be put in the [Page 31] Dative case, there is no hopes that the Ablative shall reape any profit at all by it; and therefore wee expulse him for a dumbe and mute person, who wanting speech to expresse his freenesse, hee can no way become capable of our method.

It is a speciall rule without exception, that all Supines require a Dative case, and then an Abla­tive: for it is so infallible, as the whole roule of Supines can testifie, that never Supine fell upon pallade, unlesse shee had received a fee from the Dative case, since you know that the Genitive is a soleasme, if not conected with the Dative: and in this consisteth the cheife congruity, because there is no true Syntax either in composition or construction, except the Dative case, and the per­sonall masculine beare company and present his power to the personall feminine, which is alwaies accomodated with an Ablative dish to convey her lovers kindnesse into the closet of never bee seene againe. Nor farre distant from this classe was another hall over whose entrance this was in­seulped.

This is prosodia or the schoole of Poetry, said Cupid, where my darlings study to congratulate their Donatists, presenting them with Odes or lyricks, some bearing the face of Epithalamions, Soterian Hymnes, and Eucharisticall sonets, and many other witty Epigrammes, and Ana­grammes: The feet on which our verses runne, [Page 32] are but two kinds; the one is Spondaeus, which imports as much as Spend-on-us; the other is Molossus, it is a foot, whose shoe is made by the long last, which is the mans foot, for that which it includes of the losse; because the more they poetize, the more is their losse of store.

Our cheife straines or meters are Heroick, and Scazon, because of all sorts they are most nume­rous, in which we most properly delight, for in all sorts of Doctrine we onely instruct that which is most large; and since in these kindes there are as wel short syllables as long, for the short we select and entertaine peculiar figures very usefull for the extentiō & reaching of their short-legg'd nature, inducing art to helpe nature: In the first order we constitute three, to wit; Prothesis, Epenthesis, and Paragoge, for these are friends to the females, as properly appertaining to the men, who alwaies adde and never take away.

Yet the women chalenge the other three, as prime properties belonging to their profession, which are, Aphaeresis, Syncope, and Apocope: ne­verthelesse the busie blades many times carry a­way a pock-a pee in their linings, which my wea­ther beaten widgins bestow upon them, that they may not say they have lost all.

Systole and Diastole are in great request; for he that gives with Diastole's hand, & Systoles fingers, is in short time made free in our court: but hee that comes with his pockets stuffed with nothing but Synalepha's and Eclipsis, is served like unto a sheepe in Iune, turned forth for a bare-neck'd ewe to seeke a new ruffe for that peece next below his cockscombe.

[Page 33]Here Cupid commanded me to sit downe, for that one of these Damsells had an intent to gra­tifie her generous servant with a few straines, for the curtesies he had enriched her with. I obeyed, and being set the sweet Paranassean nymph began in this forme following.

This sayd, shee made a low curtesie to her ser­vant, and departed to a private closet, as I thought to lay up her gold, whether it was so or not I am not certaine, because the young gallant traced her forth, and tickled her too, as a man would pro­bably [Page 34] imagine, because she laughed so heartily. But not to betray her, nor our selves to time, Cu­pid lead mee away through an obscure vault, where ascending a degree, as I thought, higher then before, I glaunced my eyes upon a garland of painted flowers, which was so lively pencil­led and garnished with proper colours, that the laborious bees imagining it to bee reall, were no lesse deceived in their search, then the birds were with Zeuxis grapes. Within this circular posie was impressed this peece of discipheration, as a true information to all that thirsted to passe the port.

Not farre from hence we entred into an ample hall, sumptuously beset with variety of flowers; and upon a double columne were placed two sta­tuas of an indifferent stature, which the curious art of workemen had varnished over with gold, enamell, and a beautious order of pearle mixed with saphyres, rubies, and emeralds.

As I stood gazing upon this strange Colossus, Cupid said to me, now you are in the schoole of Rhetorick: and these two which you so seri­ously admireare, the most famous Oratours, that antiquity celebrateth; the which we likewise a­dore [Page 35] as chiefe gods of this Classe: the one is Marcus Tullius Cicero; the other is Demusthenes: Demosthenes, you would say, answered I; No friend, it is Demusthenes, the which you may un­derstand if you but ponder the word, and reflect upon our institution: wherefore I intending my eyes more earnestly upon the object, found un­der Marcus Tullius this motto: A nomine & ar­gento disces: and under the other I read this: Di­midium nominis non indiget Rhetoricâ.

But because I would not erre in the interpre­tation hereof, I intreated Cupid to ayde mee with an explication; to whom he said: for the first which is under Marcus, to wit; A nomine & ar­gento disces: that is to say, From my name and from silver you shall learne; You know that Marcus, or a Marke is a certaine summe of mony, which is made of silver. Therefore from my name (saith the motto) which is a Marke, and from the matter, which is silver, of which the marke is made, you shall learne more Rhetorick in this schoole of Love, then all my orations, and all my workes can teach you.

The other which is, Dimidium nominis non in­diget Rhetoricâ: to wit, Halfe my name needeth no Rhetorick.

Whereupon Cupid asked me which was halfe the name: I answered him Demus: observe then the sense hereof, said Cupid. He that saies De­mus, needes no Rhetoricall colours, no tropes, figures, circumlocutions, nor any of those intice­ing flourishings: for with one Demus hee shall perswade more then ever Demosthenes did with all his eloquence.

[Page 34]Your Rhetorick then, said I, is more facill, then that which is taught in externe schooles, those I meane which Tully and others have pre­scribed a method unto, because they are not so much dependent of tropes, and schemes, and o­ther difficult members, which instruct Ciceronian Rhetorick. It is confessed answered Cupid, and therefore our number is the greater, according to the saying of the ancients: Faciliora acquirunt numerum, difficultas sapientiam n [...]trit. But yet (although the grand topick is that which ap­peares in a golden vestment) our schoole is not destitute of tropes and figures, since that wee se­lect many very necessary for the better perfor­mance of our Rhetoricke, the which are lights and facilitations to these which be of a slow per­formance▪ some of which appertaine to the male, some to the female sexe: for example, the wo­men courtiers, although they endure not delayes▪ yet they are much addicted to the figure Gradatio, especially if their pretendent rhetorize in Conda­plicatio, and through the faithfull solution and sweet series of consent they couple and lovingly rest themselves upon the palladel Polysindeton, or Multiplex conjunctio.

Of all the usefull tropes those two are chiefe which my girles practise, to wit; Hyperbole, and Catacresis, which in latine are called Mendacium, and Abusio; to which their silly beleevers answer with Subjectio and Reticentia. Similitèr desinens is tunable figure, which is ever sang when the petiti­oner so dazels his beloved's eyes with curious and rich objects, which she converts to bee her [Page 35] subjects, as then his, and now hers, when I say such a feast unites her will to his, then they with­draw and rhetorize in Similitèr cadens.

Wee use no Metaphors, but all in private a­mongst the women, for feare the men should learne them; for seeing such like tropes are a­lienated from their Virgin sense, and wrested to sound one thing in words, and another in deedes, they must bee shut up from the knowledge of so much cunning; and therefore wee satisfie them with a certaine number of figures, as figurae per additionem, which are the true touch-stone of a generous mind; likewise wee inuse them with those per similitudinem, to pricke them on with the conceit of dignity, if they imitate those that are most liberall, setting it downe for a principle, that he cannot be a good and exquisite Rhetori­tian, that maketh not an ostentation of his larga manus.

But the women are expert both in tropes and figures; tropes to delude their adorers, who suppose their reall words to bee full or reall mea­ning, when as they onely commit a few complements more to enflame their simplitians heartes, and to feed their owne toyish fancy, then any reality; for they abhorre it worse then the poxe.

All figures which come per detractionem, be­long to the women, as Dissolutio, Refractio, and many more ejusdem farinae, all takers and dissol­vers of their servants substance.

We practice also in Topickes, and first we be­ginne with Notatio, sive Etymologia, which is [Page 38] both according to us and Cicero, defined, Inda­gatio originis: and by this we search out the true primitive of our courtiers, and provide his place correspondently. I doe not meane, that wee ex­alt and dignifie him according to his parentage, but his patrimony: for if he bee of a great estate, he is presently annexed to the topick à Causis no­bilioribus; because the cause of greatest prefer­ment here, is that which proceedeth out of the nobility of riches; and thus we draw him on with the plausible appearance and evident probability, that he shal practice the topick à conjugatis, when wee but onely delude him with a Rhetoricall slight, extracting in the interim the very marrow of his purpose, & so leave him in the perceivance of that à Contrariis: so that he poring upon that ab effectibus, findes himselfe so ignorant and uncap­able of the sweet topick de adjunctis, that he falles into the woefull knowledge of Repugnantia.

The cheife argumentation wee use in this our Rhetoricall classe, is either framed by a Sorites, or Dilemma. By Sorites, to make the pretendents strive in generositie, we protract our discourse in this wise. Hee that giveth most, findes most in­structers, (or destructers) he that finds most in­structers profiteth most, he that profiteth most, taketh most degrees; therfore, à primo ad ultimum, he that giveth most, taketh most degrees: but yet after this induction or graduall deceite we argue secretly per violationem, and beginne our orative composition, of which we have two kindes, to wit, Oratio demonstrativa, by which the selfe con­ceited wretch explicates & demonstrates at large [Page 39] the perfections of his best wished objects, and the men are obliged to say nothing more, then what they can make manifest by proofe, yet they are tyed to insist upon the prayse of their Mi­stresses, and if they betwixt ignorance and bene­volence, chance to sinne against truth (as oft they doe) through the furious apprehension of their unlawfull Hyperbolies, and are confuted of it, then wee make their purses fetch off the fine, which their eagernesse led them into: for such kinde of Oratours are forced to satisfie the vir­gin with giftes for the wrong they have done in belying her beautie, modesty, discretion, or the like.

The women, when they have received presents either from the obliged or voluntieres, they Rhe­torize in oratione deliberativa, deliberating whe­ther their servants deserved for this, or no; and in this kind of discourse they are so witty, beeing still ayded with dilemmicall arguments, that they catch and let loose againe as often as they please, and in so dubious a manner, that their ga­zing Auditors become no lesse ready to present againe, then drowned in confusion which way to interpret the reality of their Mistresses ora­tion.

Some times my females ascend the Pulpit provided with oratio funebris, but this only when a rich Devotist sudainely departs this life, and leaves his Mistris heire of all; then shee laments his death in words filling the ayre with lacryma­ble syllables, although her heart leapeth for joy and alacrity, that he is gone.

[Page 38]The women also extend their voyces in genere orationis demonstrativo, but most frequent­ly, when their impoverished servants faile to per­forme their amorous suites, they use the oration in vituperium, which they freely bestow upon those vagabondes that have so long beene slaves to their wills and their owne misfortunes.

But friends, wee lose time in these inferiour Classes, let us now proceede to the more no­ble liberall arts; which said, Cupid brought me to a double leaved doore, upon which were pain­ted many horrid and unknowne monsters, chi­meras, and meere pictoricall fictions, with many conceites, in the midst thereof was this hexa­sticon.

I had no sooner comprehended in my judge­ment and memory this stroph, but we entred in­to a very faire and spacious hall, all thronged thicke with a great number of gallants, both men and women; men of all ages, or at the least from those which Terence termes ex ephoebis, to those which I terme ex rebus, or without mony, who passed away for bank [...]outs: but the women were for the most part all young, few or none excee­ding thirty yeares of age: all were set downe, and [Page 41] gave eare to a grave, and something ancient ma­tron or moderatrix, who was seated in a most re­spendent pulpit, studded with pearle and the most precious gemmes the Indians can afford; shee joyntly with all her disciples made a very hum­ble obeysance at our entrance to their Regent Cupid; and the grave Matron began in this man­ner.

Logick, which you are to bee instructed in, is that, which hath for its formall object ens ratio­nis, and not without cause, since ens rationis habet fundamentum reale; that is to say, a reall, or more significant, a ryall for its foundation, which is a peece of money so called; for you must know that the male kinde are those that are to stand of the materiall part of our Logick, and the femall on the formall: since therefore the foundation or materiall object consisteth of royall, it is conve­nient that the formall should be ens rationis, and appropriated to the women kinde, who after a present of reales, as the Spaniard calles them, or ryalls as we tearme them, then the women make a congratulory discourse which can be called no­thing more properly but ens rationis; quia discur­rit circa ens reale: for if this reall and royall sub­ject were not, this ens rationis converteretur in ens chimaericum, & mere fictum.

Since therefore (proceeded she) we have alrea­dy concluded of the object both materiall and formall of this scence, it followes now that wee prosecute our intent: and in speaking this shee opened a very faire manuscript, at the fight wher­fore every one provided their hands and pennes [Page 42] to write what she should dictate unto them: in this preparation Cupid invited me to sit downe, which I accepted of without ceremony, and shee began as followeth.

Species, as Aristotle defineth it, est illud, quod praedicatur de pluribus numero differentibus in quid. This is our chiefe predicable, in the definition of which, you must note three things: the first is species, the second numerus, the third is quid: by species wee understand gold, silver, jewells, &c. by numerus, is meant twenty, forty, a hundred poundes; so many rings, braceletts, diamonds, or the like: by quid is understood the substance or pure essence or quiddity, which must be with­out any deceit or chimicall sophisme: as for ex­ample, when your servants present their devoted libertie▪ you aske what species is the present of? they answer; of gold: you aske againe what num­ber? they answer, an hundred peeces: you aske the third time, saying, quid: they answer, gold of the best, and most currant coyne: or if you will exclude this particle quid, because you must not looke a given horse in the mouth, you may ex­change this quid, into quale or quantum, quomodo or vbi, and hereby receive a sufficient informati­on of the gift presented.

Note also, that vvhereas other schooles treate of individuum, we except it, not to enter into our Logick: for since individuum est illud quod non dividitur, and againe no man is admitted into this classe to participate of our Doctrine, qui non di­videt seipsum à substanti [...]s suis, therefore such like caytives are excluded tanquam individua vaga; [Page 43] such as these, are usurers and co [...]ous ca [...]les, that shall sooner passe through the eye of a nee­dle, then through our schoole doore: for wee hold this to be infallible, that he cannot bee a re­all lover and true souldier in Cupids Vniversity, that loves his money better then his Mistris.

Here the grave Matron fixed a period to her discourse, and her disciples intended their eyes and mindes upon that which she had delivered unto them; whereupon I tooke an occasion to aske Cupid what other predicables they obser­ved; to which hee made answer, saying: Wee have another which is Proprium, this consisteth in two points; the proprium or chiefe property of the men is to give, and the chiefe propertie of the women is to take.

But, said I, why did not the Matron beginne with Vniversale in communi; because, answered Cupid, it is and must be a stranger to all men that frequent my Vniversity; for you know Vniver­sale in commuini ex se non descendit ad particularia, which amongst us is more abhorred then any thing else; as for example, hee that is Vniversall in all kind of wealth, and descends not to present this some of money, that jewell, or so, such a man is termed Vniversale in communi, whom we intreate to favour us with his absence, because his presence is cane pejus & angue: notwithstanding the fe­males are acquainted with this Vniversale, in w ^ch we instruct them in private conference: and the reason why they are more familiar with it, then the men, is, because they must yeeld as little as possible may be to their courteous requests, and [Page 44] therefore stand indeterminate towards this or that whe [...] they are in common, lest this percei­ving himselfe neglected, should refuse to per­forme his accustomed gratuities: for you must know that these men which you see here, are all pretendents o [...] suiters, and so are likely to conti­nue; for if they should once obtaine their suite, they would no more be scholers of my Vniver­sity, but courtiers in Hymens court: and there­fore wee instruct the females so, that they shall never consent to Matrimony (although they be­come subject to the topick multiplex conjunctio) but remaine inderminate to any one, yet with a liking eye to all.

Genus is not read publikely in this Classe, by reason of that which it includes of Vniver­sale.

Accidens also is a very dangerous predicable to admit of; for that w ^c• it containeth of separabile, unlesse it be understood, as we tearme it, cautious­ly, and in san [...] sensu, that is to say, when the wo­man receive the mens indulgence, then have the women licence to use Accidens separabile, be­cause they have ever an enlargement granted ei­ther to gratifie or not gratifie in words, and ther­fore they use both accidents and separabilitie; but yet accidens inseparabile is in more respect a­mongst all, for that which it favoreth of insepa­rabilitie, as the mens treasure is inseparable from the women; but beeing an accident, we utterly disanul it out of our common wealth, because we must be certaine of all we have promised; and for this reason we banish from the mens knowledge [Page 45] all accidents, and reserve inseparability; that is, what we heape up in our Crys [...]thecary is insepa­rable, and not to be parted with.

But for that predicable which others call dif­ferentia, wee constitute Vnio: for being that wee pretend love, and Interest for love, we abhorre all difference; as a mortal enemie to our quietnesse; and in stead of such disturbance, we place Vnio, which we d [...]fin to be quies amica ex coacervatione causata: for if there be not coacervatio or aggula­tio nummulosa, there will be no quies amica: quies there may be, because we shall constraine such a penurious pretendent to depart in peace: This is the beginning of our Logick, or our Organ of Interest.

Next insueth the tract de Antepraedicamentis: the first whereof be Vnivocum and Aequivocum: Vnivocum belongeth to the men, because it is a reall and true hearted expression of their good & generous intention, upon which the females build the strong walls of their certaineties, which are vowed by their pretendents promises: Aequivocum of the contrary is an inseparable quality appertaining to the females, who seldome speake what they thinke, and as seldom thinke of any benefit, but their owne: for this female traine is never perfect in our Logick science, un­till they be compleate in two things: the one is Equivocation, which is the prime in this schoole; the other is Sophisme, without which none of my she disciples entertaines a suiter, unlesse shee be accompanied with a Tuteresse; for of these two we compose the Allegoricall tongue, which [Page 46] is defined aliud verbis, aliud sensu, and unlesse the amorus female be expert in this deceiving art, she is in hazard to betray her selfe to truth, and vio­late her ovvne modesty by our liberty.

Next to this follovves the last antepredica­mentall lecture, vvhich vve terme praedicatio; and this is tvvofold; vvhich is concretum & abstractū: and it is ordered in such a sort, that the men, or masculine Logicians make their full handed pre­dication in concreto, and the female in abstracto, abstracting and taking avvay the concretion of their store, to feede and pinguifie their leane and avaritious desires; in this consisteth our primae & secundae intentiones logicales, vvhich are not here actus intellectus, but actus manuales, quoniam in schola▪ Amoris manus magis quàm intellectus exercentur. But to be short, I vvill recount briefe­ly unto you the series and number of our Predica­ments.

First therefore know, that we are not altoge­ther of the opinion of Aristole, and therefore wee teach not so many predicaments as he doth: but yet praedicamentum substantiae, as it is the prime with Aristotle, so is it with us, and so necessary, that what pretendent soever is not furnished with substantia, is excluded totally out of the predica­ment of Love.

The predicament of quantitie is in exceeding estimation amongst us, and he is only judged ami­able, proper, and compleate in all parts, that is furnished with the greatest quantity of gold or o­ther treasure, and without this he is more defor­med then Cerberus, the contemptiblest picture [Page 47] they can fixe their eyes upon, whom wee terme minimum naturale.

But Praedicamentum qualitatis is of no more rec­koning here, then a penny lesse purse; for wee never enquire of the quality of the man, but the quantity he brings with him.

Relatio is very famous in our schoole, and it is defined (according to the ancient and full expe­rienced Philosophers opinion) Relatio dicitur il­lud, quod id quod est, aliarum esse dicitur: by this definition it most manifestly appeareth, that all the men have belongeth properly to the women: peruse it seriously and you will easily consent un­to the same: Relatio dicitur iluld, Relation is that thing, to wit that substance, which, what or how great soever it be, it is to bee appropriated to o­thers, to the women, which is evident by the word aliarum; & not to be delivered back againe, because wee admit not of any relation, but that which is non mutua; and although all bee in one schoole, yet all have not the same step of dignitie: but hee is in the first and most eminent place, qui in pretiosiori quantitate fundat relationem suam.

But now if I shall name that predicament, which maketh all the rest namelesse, let me say no more but Habere: for this is it to which all other are reduced, they all sleepe in this haven; if you will know more then ever Aristotle did, you neede no more then the predicament habere: habere mollifies the hardest rocke, the flinty heart be­comes fluid if but touched with the diamond ha­bere; habere is sufficient to conquer impossibili­ties: [Page 48] The predicament Quando, after the peti­tion is granted, is not compleat untill it accord with habere: Vbi is not fully established in cer­taintie, untill it meete with habere; neither would here be any amorous embraces of the pleased couple, no actio nor passio without habere: and to conclude, habere is so transcendent, that nothing is had without it.

And although wee could reduce not onely all the predic [...]ments, but also the whole volume of Logick to this de habere; yet to bee more com­pleat and course like, wee trace on with Aristotles method, picking out what is usefull for our purpose, and excepting the remainder; and ther­fore to shew you more exactly our Logick schoole, marke the sequell.

Next followes the booke called Peri-hermeni­as, seu de interpretatione, and this interpretation properly accepted of with us, is a rich presen [...], which interpreteth s [...] plainely, that there is not a woman in my Vniversity, be she never so dull of apprehension, but shee understands it so clearely, that she carrieth all away, at once hearing it: we treat here first de nomine & verbo: nomen est vox significativa ad placitum sine tempore: this nomen is either gold, silver, or such like, which is so sig­nificative a voyce semper ad placitum, alwaies pleasing, alwaies gratefull, and sine tempore, or extempore, because if this word bee once spoken, it must be performed with all expedition, since they women abhorre delayes, and for this reason we exclude verbum, because it is cum tempore, it demurres so long, that my females grow weary [Page 49] and impatient of the expectation.

But yet we admit of one Verbe, which is est, because it is a verbe substantive, or a substantiall Verbe; but this Verbe est, is never in its prime, untill it be set for habeo. Wee use verbum oft­times, but not as Aristotle doth, for a verbe, but for a word, as a conjunction, because Verbum à verbero derivationem accipit, and the best soun­ding word to the Petitioner is the free mono­syllable Yes, which causeth the malevolent par­ticle, No, to be excommunicated out of Loves limits; because we teach no contradictions, nor contraries, but terme the denyall of a Petition, to be degenerous and want of true education: for suppose a woman should crave of her Curte­san this or that ring, jewell, or the like, what an absurd sound would the base and harsh sound of No, or I will not, make? nay, although hee should put it off with an Excuse mee, yet would it be taken for so heinous a crime, that his Mi­stris vvould ever after excuse her selfe from his presence.

But now to speake something of the Tract De arte inveniendi medii, which wee othervvise call Pons asinorum, this is all framed of pretious stones, vvhose cement is gold and silver; the Asse that is able to build this Bridge, invenit me­dium, he finde out the middle, which he so long solicited and sought for: but the other crew of weaker sillies bestovv all their labour and cost in vaine, because they shall never attaine to the depth of that punctum reflectionis.

As for the syllogisticall Moodes, vve content [Page 50] our selves vvith a few abhorring the b [...]u [...]ish con­dition of Barbara, and adoring that of dani: the men must use an especiall care, lest they conclude vvith Zelantes, for he that puts his confidence in this Moode, shall infallibly be convinced, and in the end of the disputation, shall be obliged to begin a new argument all in dabitis.

When we come to the Priors, or demonstra­tive part, wee place the men before the women; and then the cathedraticall Mistris proceedes in this manner. Demonstratio est syllogismus proce­dens ex veris, primis, immediatis, notioribus, prio­ribus, causisque conclusionis: In this Science the men are onely doctrinated, not that they shall find out all or any fallacies by the evidence hereof, but because they shall beware, that they practise nothing, but what is the reall truth; and there­for they syllogize ex veris, because they must not use any deceit or flattery towards their Mi­stresses; ex primis, because they must first give [...]o them, bofore they can hope for the least cur­tesie; ex immediatis, because their very appea­rance imports, without any intermission or me­diancie, a present to the females, as a true token of their prime love; ex notioribus, to induce the women to know their owne adorers, and those better, that give most liberally; for you know Demonstratio est syllogismus faciens scire; it must also be ex prioribus, for that in our Schooles pri­or est datio pecuniaris, quam receptio amplexaris; this syllogisticall discourse ought likewise to be ex causis conclusionis; the conclusion that our men aime at is an amorous claspe, that which the [Page 51] women desire, is a Cupidineous gripe closing a golden see, and nothing is able to cause this clasp or recumbens-subtegmine lecti, but bursa plena li­beraliter offerta ad amicam.

But now, said Cupid, wee have overstayed our time, let us passe to the next Schoole, which, as Aristotle stiles it, is de physico auditu, and wee with him proceed to the same Schoole, although we differ both in title and forme; and with­out any delay, Cupid brought mee to a very faire Port, on which I read this which follow­eth:

The perusall of this tetrastick struck mee im­mediately into a difficulty, whereupon I em­boldned my selfe to stay the God, and asked him, why and how Gold could be called the matter in this Tract, since that Aristotle in the first Booke of Physicks, saith, that matter or ma­teria prima est chaos, caeca farrago, or rudis indi­gest aque moles: So is Gold, said Cupid, it is a Chaos, because you see it confounds all men; it is caecum, quiareddit omnes caecos propter ejus amorem: it is also rude, because it makes most that possesse it rude and vitious.

It is very certaine, said I, but Aristotle treates here de primis principiis; de illis, scilicet, quae primo constituunt compositum naturale. It is very [Page 52] true, answered Cupid, and for that cause I have often said, that we exempt our selves from being strict Aristotelians: For you must know, that we are already actuated or formed according to Natures composition; and therefore, as I even now said, this Schoole is not properly called De physico auditu, but De Cupidine auditu: and therefore, since nature hath made us perfect in the first mixtion, wee account it frivolous, to search or repeat that which Aristotle hath sear­ched out for us, that is, by what meanes it came to passe, what concurrence was used, and the like: but now wee search that which is most semblant and agreeable to our condition, I meane our in­stitution: and because Gold and other treasure are substances and naturall mixtures, as these my females and masculine flock be, speaking of that which belongeth to naturall composition, and abstracting from the formall perfection of this or that, onely insisting on those ingredients which are matter and forme, deriving their generating cause from one and the same body as an univer­sall cause, which is calor solis, I find no difference, but a great similitude: and therefore wee set downe Gold and such like estimable substances to be the matter of this our Physicall study, and oblation to be the forme, without which our stu­dy is to no purpose, nor the composition which we sweat for is no composition, because with­out oblation there is no union, no complemen­tive actuality, which wee call Completio amorosa: these therefore, as I have said, sunt principia per se nostra physicae, & totius philosophiae; which im­imports [Page 53] as much as I had said of our naturall appetite, because Cupid or Cupido is the obje­ctive guide herein.

With this answer, although it was not ab essentia rei petita, but a meere diversion, yet un­willing to be overtedious to the God of Love, I rested as if I had beene fully satisfied; upon the pause whereof wee entred the Classe. I could discover few or none here, that were not in acti­on and passion; the Courtiers giving, and the Courtieresses receiving. In the midst of this Hall lay many heaps of Gold, Silver, Diamonds, and other sorts of treasure, at the resplendant glory whereof I was almost distracted: at which Cupid (perceiving my amazement) asked mee what I thought of this so beauteous a Treasure-house.

To whom I said, this is the practicall part of yon Logick Classe: Why so? said Cupid: be­cause, answered I, my fancie apprehends all these laborious asses to be busied in the study De in­ventione medii; and these heapes of Gold and pretious stones I take to be the materials with which they intend to build their pons asinorum: No, no, answered Cupid, this aggregatum per accidens is our Philosophers stone, and those that concurre not to the augmenting and raising up of these beauteous Banckes, these Phebean hillocks, these Love-starres, which the World termes Earths Planets, for the uncertaine Mansion they have to dwell with this or that amorous Courte­san, those, I say, that adde not to these Idols, are not taken to be Lapidary men, but a certaine [Page 54] kinde of jumenta, or rather bomenta, which are commonly called Eunuches, because they shall never make use of their intayle, for that they adde not the previall disposition which makes the formall connection: for indeed my females say, that such kinde of Pedlers shall not enter in­to their Shop, unlesse they had ready money, because they never use to trust any man in that kinde.

Then I intreated Cupid to better my un­derstanding with some instructions of the Me­thod that was observed in this Schoole, who freely began in this manner. Physica is as much as to say natura: and therefore this Schoole and study is of naturall things; neither is there any one that truly endeavoureth in this Science, ex­cept hee loveth it; for this is the generating of wisdome, by reason of which he is called a Phi­losopher; and for no other cause, then that he is a lover of wisdome. This supposed, I con­clude that all here must of necessity be Philoso­phers (as for naturallists or Physitians, it is most evident by the Tract, that they be the same) be­cause they are not onely lovers, but also lovers of wisdome. I was not able to containe my selfe within the limits of silence, but I injected obvi­ously the difficulty which met my attention, as I gazed upon Cupids preamble, saying: It ap­peares unto me (pardon my bold attempt, O di­vine Cupid) that you give these your Disciples a false appellation, in calling them Philosophers; and my judgement rather names them Philo­chrysers, because their study is onely of Gold [Page 55] and treasure, as the portall script manifesteth, and not of wisedome.

You say well in giving them this Character; but yet you are extremely deceived, answered Cupid, if you rob them of the name of Philoso­phers; for in this Classe the men study and contemplate of the beauty of their Goddesses, and the women of the beauty of their riches; this beauty (for sure there is beauty in both) is a celestiall gift flowing from the will of the increa­ted wisdome, and in this respect I see no oppo­nent reason can debar them from being truly stiled reall Philosophers; nay more, there is not one gemme, a piece of gold or silver, or any estima­ble thing else that my Damsels stretch their in­vention to compasse, but they descant and con­template the beauty, valuation, and perfections thereof, extolling gold above silver, and Dia­monds above gold, not onely for that the com­mon constitution of men hath given this an ascent in value above that, but also for the poynant ver­tues, qualities, and superiour qualities contai­ned in one, more then in the other: can you then impugne me with a negation, that these are not true Philosophers, and this true Philosophy? and therefore to wipe away clearly the blot in your clouded apprehension, and restore you to your intellectuall sight; you must know, that our gallants admiring the beauteous blaze of their Mistresses &c. they study how to gratifie so much worthinesse with condigne praemiums, and there­fore finde it necessary to dive into the know­ledge of this Philosophy to arrive at the true [Page 56] Science of all perfections contained in these na­turall ornaments, these pretious metals, and Indi­an lustres; and having obtained the verity here­of, they make the most worthy to become pre­sents or speakers to interpret their Masters wills; and this is the end of their Philosophy, to offer homage in these to their most amiable Ob­jects.

And the beauteous Minions likewise gratifie their servants with vertuous smiles, modest looks, affable speeches, celestiall glances, curteous be­haviour, and sister-like embraces, which could not be performed but by wisdomes permission, which they likewise understand and perfectly know: neither is our Philosophicall Science haled by so forraine a reduction, but affirmative­ly it is a true limbe of Philosophy, such as Phy­sicke is; for it really includeth wisdome, and therefore is sufficient to stile our proficients Sophi, and sophae, who being also Lovers, why should wee doubt to call them Philosophi and Philosophae, or lovers of wisdome.

But, said I, you involve me in another cloud, because you seeme to contradict your former discourse, where you say the women practice vertue, modesty, and such good attributes, be­cause your females now licentiates, and there­fore not bound to observe these rules. It is true, said Cupid, but yet you finde not that they are prohibited to use the same: Moreover, if you reflect your eye upon the antecedent Classe, you shall finde, that the women are Sophisters or Fallatians, who with their artificiall veiles so [Page 57] blinde the eyes of their Enamorists, that they take this coyned shew of vertue to be reall, when it is onely apparent and not durable, a meere fiction, and nothing but superficiall: for who will seeme more modest and vertuous, then shee that intends to deceive, and under this pretence the deceit passeth more easily, because it is not suspected at all.

But I pray you let us proceed, said Cupid, for we have many Schooles to visite, and times Cha­riot wheeles away with great speed. Content, quoth I, for I am sory I detained you so long from your desire. Then, said Cupid, you know our Schooles are the Schooles of Interest, where the women aime at treasure, the men at beauty, and both at pleasure: the men aime at the pos­session of beauty and pleasure without respect of gold, or any riches hee can attaine unto, which makes so many of them to sing the second part of their life in a new and lamentable tune, to wit, for Gods sake cloath my nakednesse, for Christ his sake relieve my hungry and thirsty soule. The women aime at riches and pleasure, without regard of beauty; for let him be a Moore or Gypsie that courts them, if hee bring the golden key, hee unlockes their modesties Closet doore, and enters as freely, as a knowne Puritane into his owne Congregation: Nay, I dare be bold to avouch, that if such a pretendent had a bottle nose as big as a bunch of Grapes of ten pounds, a ruby chin, a strawberry paire of cheeks, a vermil­lian fore-head, a breath more odious then his Mistresses close stooles lining, and a head as bare [Page 58] as a Cabbage, let him be set forth with all these deformities, and have but a golden hand, he shall be admitted and have free entrance into her pri­vate presence, and act what part he desires, that hath beene found in the comedies of pleasure: But the truly handsome, compleat, and merito­rious, that cannot shew the face of a Jacobus, shall live a-loofe from gratia dei, the grace of our good liking; hee shall passe by for vas vacuum, and be embarked in the Ship of scorne, to bee conducted to the Haven of heavinesse, and thrust upon the shore of, Never returne againe. I won­dring at this diabolicall institution, said to Cu­pid, no doubt but I am perpetually engaged to your Deities bounty, because I perceive you in­tend by this discourse to deterre me from ever erring in the way of loving, or engaging my selfe to any Harpy in the world.

Be not too audaciously confident, said Cupid, presume not any thing of my mercy; for by this I teach thee to defie all females, and pricke thee on to lay hold of a thriving course, that when thou art growne substantiall and strong in purse, I may boult thee into my family once more, to consume thy selfe, as thou hast already done. When thou hast effected what industrious labor may sweepe up for thee, then let the second effect be a true testimony of my power; for the poore state of my present fortune is not capable of my Dart. But to returne to our purpose, listen, and I will declare the Lawes of this Schoole.

This Physicall appropriation, which we here similize under the shapes of Peripateticks, I in­tend [Page 59] to shew, in disciphering the difference be­twixt our Doctrine and the Aristotelians, and in what points wee accord: They hold, that there are foure causes, materialis, formalis, efficiens, & finalis, and so doe we: with us the materiall and formall are chiefe, with them the efficient and finall.

The materiall cause with us (as I have said) is treasure, which facilitates the intent of the amo­rous pretendent: it causeth affection to waite upon its glory; it prostrates the Virgin, and therefore compells the insatiable strumpet to fly into the golden embraces of her servants will: and if this yellow footed youngster treads but upon the toe of a wife, he makes her to forget her nuptiall duty, being so unresistably inveagled with the lustre of this Interest: this makes the Raven white, and curtaines up day in a thorall rug before the Sunne hath run halfe his diurnall course. Even Plato, and hee that lookes thorow as many Dogges faces, as Cerberus, seeme more lovely then Adonis, or Hylas, Alcides boy, if he be but attired with this bracelet of plenty: Why then should not this our materiall cause be chief, and most excelling, since it beares most sway and efficacity: but yet it is not compleat without oblation, which is the formall cause, which is that comfortable presentment, that unites the soule of the receiver to the thing received, and in that consisteth the formality of our Schooles of Interest: as for the efficient cause, it is the same with the formall, because the formall effects, whether it be efficiens principalis, or the secon­dary [Page 60] alarmes so full of sweetnesse and delight, causa instrumentalis.

But for causa finalis the women have none, be­cause there is no end of their desire, that appeti­tive quality called auri sacra fames: neither is there any finall cause for the men, untill their substance is consumed, and nothing left to pre­sent to obtaine correspondence with their Mi­stresses, for they hold this adage: ex nihilo nihil fit; ergo ubi non est aliquid dari, non opus est inten­tione finali.

De continuo continuè agimus, and hee that con­tinueth in giving, is supreme in this Classe; nei­ther is there any cessation to be admitted of, for he that will continue his correspondence, must continue also his liberall practice. The Conti­nuum which we treat of, is not that which Zeno, the Pythagorians, and many modernes now a­dayes define, but that of Aristotle, who sayes, that Continuum componitur ex partibus, non ex in­divisibilibus, as they said; for these indivisibilia non faciunt quantum; ergo nec indivisibilia apud nos facere possunt acervum, ergo rejicienda.

Here I desired Cupid to tell me what he meant by his indivisibilia; these are, said he, those poore diminutives, which others call pence; for wee are of opinion, that pence are so small a begin­ning, that he who beginneth and continueth in giving pence, shall be so long before he make a summe worthy to be received, that hee shall tire his Mistresse so extreamely with long expectati­on, that shee leaves him, giving him a generall acquittance for ever entring the Schooles of In­terest, [Page 61] to pay any such dribling debts hereafter; for our continuum is composed of parts, which the grosser they be the better they compose; these parts are five pounds, ten pounds, twenty, and so, when they have mounted to an hundred pounds, or the worth thereof, then we say they are per­fect in continuo; and if he desire it, he passeth to the proofe quomodo dua corpora possunt esse in uno loco; and at the end of this followes vacuum, which is proved ex parte viri, he having emptied his purse, which drawes into the consequent tract, which is infinitum multitudinis ex parte mu­lieris; for the evacuation of his bagges is the increase of her heape, quod nos vocamus infinitum syncategorematicum, quoniam per additionem fit, cujus non est terminus finalis, licet principium habu­erit: And when this silly is shrived of his trea­sure, my females make his Mittimus, and send him to the Jayle called Terminus minimus quod non: that is, hee shall be the least termer with us, quòd non habet unde dare.

This said, Cupid drew a curtaine, which disco­vered a lesser Schoole, wherein I espied upon an Ebony Pulpit these words inscribed:

This is a pedagogicall Schoole, or a subdi­vision of Physica, where the true and most cano­nicall conclusion is, Generatio unius est corruptio [Page 62] alterius: for the pinguitude of the women hath made the men like so many macelentoes, or mea­ger thin-guts; for as the women profit in the tract de augmentatione substantiali, the men dis­profitably profit in that de diminutione.

But yet you must know, that this Treatise of ours is not that which Aristotle explicates, De generatione viventium, but De generatione mortu­orum, that is, gazarum & nummulorum: and if at any time this vitall generation succeedes, it is termed in our Schoole, Per accidens, & non se­cundum intentum primarium & principale doctrinae nostrae: And in case my unexperienced Dam­sels should give occasion, or yeeld to their amo­rous embracers motions, and so slippe into this doctrine, then incontinently they are sent to the Classe de medicina, as having a necessited co­herence with that practice; for Vbi desinit Phy­sicus, incipit medicus: but if they are not in dan­ger of protuberation, they ascend to the Schoole where wee teach and treate of the Me­teors.

Wee passe over many questions which Ari­stotle and other Philosophers have dilated: and one of the chiefe that the men are doctrinated in, is de actione & reactione, that action produceth best liking, that is diamondall, or all Diamond, the next is the golden action, which the more often it is reacted, the more it pleaseth: and without this kindnesse of reaction we should not hold condensation of our treasure heapes, and rarifaction of our Courtiers coyne; were it not for reaction, there would be no mixtion; for [Page 63] from reaction and the ponderous quality called Gravitas resultes in the females illa qualitas plu­mosa, cubiculosa, & jocosa, quam nos vocamus le­vitatem; And in speaking this wee came to a­no [...]her, which was adorned with this Cha­racter:

I followed Cupid into this spatious roome, where I beheld not so few as a thousand Mines, at the mouthes of which men ascended and de­scended, as if they had beene Bees: This, said Cupid, is the Schoole of Meteors; where wee chiefly intend not de illis, quae in sublimi gene­rantur, sed potius de subterraneis; de fossilibus nimirum, & metallorum liquabilium extracti­one.

Here I observed an infinite multitude with Comets in their hands, expecting to receive the 2sweet that dropped from their enamorists sweat, who still came loaded with gold and silver over, marching towards their Mistresses with every one a Torch of Ignis fatuus in their hands: some came and went accompanied with their caprae saltantes, others with draco volans, and many with ignis lambens, and to speake all, it was a true ignis lambens in the womens hands, for that it licked away all the fruits of their poore endeavours, labour and toile.

[Page 64]This great and mighty Vault was so furni­shed with the terrifying wonders, which use to appeare in the skies, that I seemed something ti­morous to proceed; and in fine, Cupid percei­ving my cautious steppes to lose their accustomed distance, said to me, be not amazed man, for these Luminaries can no wayes prejudice an old Soul­dier; therefore walke with me, and I will declare the meaning of them.

And pointing at one of the women that held in her hand Flamma, or Fax; that, said Cupid, is an inflammation which endureth but a short time, and for that cause shee holdeth it in her hand, as you see, to notifie that her Lovers Mine is almost at an end: beyond them are Caprae sal­tantes, which signifies the mirth and joy which the newly honoured Girles take, for that their servants have newly found out a Golden Mine: those that you see of your left hand with Stellae cadentes, are the signification of those that have fallen into poverty and purse-lamenesse, by ad­venturing too farre for their Mistresses sakes: Some men carry Lanceae, to signifie their cou­rage in behalfe of their dearest; others negotiate with sidera discurrentia, to shew their diligence to procure their fairest her desire: Many more wee have, as Castor, and Pollux, ignis perpendicu­laris, trabs, Helena, columnae pyramidales, and such like, which are very usefull for the unbowelling of the earths fertile wombe, to discover the choi­sest and best pleasing mettles.

Then he brought me to a sea, as I imagined, for although it was not Ocean-like, yet it was [Page 65] salt, and therefore I supposed it to be an arme of the Sea: Here, said Cupid, we treat not so ex­actly of the nature of the Sea, its ebbing and flowing, saltnesse, and such like qualities and pro­perties, as wee doe concerning the severall sorts of jewels herein, and the vertue contained in them: It was a wonderfull sight to behold loves Mer-maids as they sate by the shore side, and the dexterity of their servants that dived into the bottome to search for pearle, Rubie, Saphir, Di­amond, and such like estimative Gemmes; and if perchance one of the mistaken divers should unwarily present unto his expecting Mistresse a stone of little or no value, shee presently would cast such a cloud over her clearenesse, made all grim and horrid with frownes, that the affrigh­ted puffin immediately pulled the water over his head, to vaile himselfe in that coole Element from the heat of her disdaine.

And at this Cupid said, let us now passe to the Schoole De medicina, at which I asked him, if there were nothing in these his Philosophicall Schooles De coelo & mundo. Yes, answered Cu­pid, wee have much De mundo, and of this wee treat in every Classe, because it is the prime and chiefe intent of our whole Vniversity; for this De mundo is not onely conditio, sine qua non, but ex essentia nostrae philosophiae: for if it were not for the treasure of this inferiour world, our Schooles of Interest would be but dumbe caves, fitter for lamenters then lovers. Wee treat also De coelo, because coelum & sidera sunt causa effici­ens metallorum in mundo, which wee shall declare [Page 66] more copiously in our Astrologie, where wee speake De coelo & coelestibus.

And at this instant I had cast my eyes upon a new Inscription, or Theme, fixed upon the Por­tall entrance, which informed me of the inward method; saying thus:

The intelligence of this Letter had no sooner appeared in my apprehension, but I entred the place of Medicinall practice, where I beheld a thousand beauties, whose profession I could easi­ly imagine to be De medicina, or Cupids Hospi­talists although I had not beene informed of the same by the Portall scripture, for that they see­med to kill with the Recipe of their eyes, not un­like the Physitians with their druggish receipts: and I dare affirme that the effectuall execution of those bits of paper in which they write their poi­sonous receipts, bereave more of vitality, then warres, famine, and the Gallowes.

This spacious Hall had scarce received mee, when the Batchelonists, Licentiates and Doc­toresses flocked about mee, supposing the God had brought me in to be cured of a love sick dis­ease, and surrounding me in a ring, desired to feele my pulse, to whom I bowing in a curteous and thankfull manner, stretched forth my arme, at which they all burst ou [...] in laughter: whereupon Cupid said to me, here the Physitians accustome not to feele that pulse, but that of the purse; for [Page 67] by the pulse of the purse, they can easily disco­ver whether the infirmity be remediable, or in probabilities to be cured.

Without delay I drew forth my purse, and gave it to one of the gravest, and, as I supposed, most experienced, which shee feeling, and find­ing empty, said, this sicke man hath no pulse; to what purpose was he brought hither, being incurable? let the charitable ring his passing peale, and we will bury him in the Sepulchre of Oblivion. After her came the rest, who per­ceiving that my purses vitall spirits were utter­ly decayed, they all unanimously extended their voyces, saying; Memento homo quod pulvis es & in pulverom reverteris. Recede, recede, nam in­st [...]t hora m [...]rtis tuae.

Although I heard the terrifying noyse of this their mortall sentence, yet was I not astoni­shed at all, partly because I knew my infirmity was a consumption, and partly because the longs of my estate were quite spent, and last of all because I was over-growne with the Leprosie of despaire, that I should never see my owne happy prosperity in this world, and therefore desired, and wished for my better fortune in the next.

After this, we entred into another long and spacious Gallery, which Cupid told me was his Infirmary, where sat an orderly row of beaute­ous Dames, which at the first seemed to bee Apothecaries wives, or Hospitall Nunnes, but Cupid said, they were his Lovers Nurses, and servants to more. This Gallery was compleatly [Page 68] furnished with great store of beds, and every bed had on it a sick person, who after a small time of repose still arose walking male discon­tent, and as they men walked, they repeated continually these words, Terminus ambulationis est causa sanitatis; the sence whereof I presently understood; for the terme of their walke was a visitation bestowed upon their seated atten­dants, ever presenting some thing of worth un­to them, at the receiving of which the Doctor­esses told them, that they were better then before, and prescribed unto them a walke in Loves Garden; wherby I could not compare these Love-sicke wretches to any but prisoners, for before they sallied forth into the serene and wholsome ayre, they were continually con­demned in new charges, neither could they ob­taine this freedome, untill they had payed not onely the summe they are damnified in, but also fees to the Gardner.

I observed that when these infirme persons came to the Doctoresses for remedy, being desperately sicke, they tooke them by the pul­ses or purses, by which they judged the disease, and if they gave speedy pulsation, the Doctor­esses assured them of life and cure, but if their pulses went uncertaine and intercadentally, they turned away, shooke their head, and said, there is no hopes of recovery, your malady is greater then my charity, unlesse you get a good strong pulse, we cannot cure you.

I asked Cupid the cause that so many men were sicke, and no women: yes, answered he, [Page 69] wee have many women sicke, although not such a number as there be men; the reason is, the men are sicke, because they give not, and since there is an infinite number of men that refuse to give, and not the tyth of women that desist to aske, (for the want of asking is the womens disease) therefore wee have fewer women sick­lings, then men: the men there are sicke because they either know not how to give, or else neg­lect to give after they participate of the know­ledge how, which is a more dangerous disease, [...]nd of more difficulty to be cured: the women fall into sicknesse, because they neglect to aske, but yet they recover at the next asking; although the men give five times, before they recover their perfect health, for as long as they give sparingly, their recovery is prorogued; and hee that holds fast his purse, as if he were benummed, [...]nd cannot u [...]tye the strings, this diseased foole shall hold fast his love-sicke passion without the least hopes of any change, Nisi in pejus.

The reason of this is semblanced from that which Galen affirmeth in his Booke De partibus, &c. that a knotted veine or sinew hindereth microcosmall operation; so that we, taking the purse to be the substance and the strings to be the veines or sinewes thereof, judge a knotted paire of Purse-strings to hinder the operation of a Lovers health or happy embraces. Whilst thus he discoursed, there presented to our view two persons, the one a man, the other a woman, and both very pale and weake, yet perceiving Cupid [Page 70] so neere, the man after many cringes and congies presented to her asking words, saying, Recipe scrupulum auri uncius octo, & argenti infusionis anci [...]s octoginta ▪ a strong potion thought I, but she tooke it up and carried it away without any Nausea at all, and imediately recovered, although the man seemed not perfectly well, yet his coun­tenance was much amended.

Then curiously perusing the proceedings of these miserable captives; I espied one very meager, and almost as like a Ghost as my selfe, who was almost spent with an extreame con­sumption of the purse, whose heart-strings were so fretted with the greedy vulture that preyed upon his coyne, that hee fainted at every turne; hee shewed the Doctoresses his water, which one of them tooke in her hand shaking it, the rest looking on, imagining it to have beene aurum potabile, or argentum vivum, and when shee per­ceived that it was neither yellow, like gold, nor white, like silver, but meere ruddy or melan­choly muddy urine, she threw it away, and said, unlesse you depart from hence presently, and change the ayre, you are a dead man; for I finde you in such a desperate and dangerous state, that I cannot endure to looke upon your misery; and thus she sent him crawling away to recover his losses in a bottomlesse ocean, frustrate of his intention.

Another I observed that was very costive in the way of liberality, to whom a vizarded witch gave a glister, that made him so gild her hands, not with that kind of gold which comes forth of [Page 71] my cosin Johne back giue, but that which comes from the Mi [...], whereby hee recovered himselfe, and grew afterwards very laxative, both to his owne content, and good liking of his attendants. There was another that had no stomacke (I meane to part with any thing) the same woman gave him but halfe a do [...]en pills, and hee both purged and vomited so much yellow ma [...]ter, like gold, and greene l [...]mpes, much like unto Emeralds, that he had no sooner done, but they all confirmed him to be sound.

But there was an extreame palsie-handed youngster; that could very seldome f [...]de the way into his pocker, and when he had overcome that difficulty, it was ten times more hard for him to unthrew his box where his treasure was inclo­sed, for which crime he was [...]d to the Univer­sitie gate, blind-folded, [...]ch- [...]sted, and his pockets sowed up, and so expulsed for an incu­rable Idiot.

I entreated Cupid to tell me, which of all these sicke persone, that he now [...]ad, or at any time heretofore, was most gratefull and best accepted of in all this his Hospitall: hee answered, those that had the [...]unning Gout, because there was something comming to those than t [...]nded them; and those also, that could purge freely at the hearing of this word, Give me; and finally those that vomit of their owne accord: These are the best deservers, who have both best cure and most attendants.

Then we directed our steps into another Hall, at each end whereof was a shop, the one of them [Page 72] an Apothecary, the other of a Barber: the A­pothecary had in store suppositories, injections, and many more such like facilitations, to com­pell the hide-bound Caitives to a loosenesse, and supple freenesse: there were also divers sorts of plasters, which Cupid recounted to me, as Dia palma, and emplastrum divinum to make them as generous as the Gods themselves: unguents in abundance, as Ʋnguentum basilicon for the men, and Vnguentum album, & unguentum aureum, to be given to the women: there were also sirrups and conserves, to be administred to those that were become laxative; also Gargarismes, Ele­ctuaries, Preparatives, Antidotes, and all sorts of purgations, and drugges necessary or conve­nient to expulse and drive away the tedious and detaining humours of such as were through de­nyall or disdaine become participants of Loves infirmary.

In the other shop the Barberesses were very busie in bloudding, cupping, leeching, scarifying, snipping, and cutting, whereby I perceived, that their condition was an extracting quality, still to take away what they never intended to restore. I observed also, that these barbarous Barbaresses never opened any veine, but the bloud flowed still from Vena de arca: those that were despe­rately handled with Feavors, as being caused from the inflammation of their Mistresses beau­ty, breeding a violent and insupportable passion in the amorous spectator, were shaved in the crownes, blooded, clipped, and stripped even to the shirt, for feare they should melt with ardor of [Page 73] their owne heate, and in-bred fire, and thus ar­rayed they were conducted to the coole bathes of repentance.

This observed and seene, Cupid directed his course forth from these Leeches, and I steered after him without being shaved, for I had not one crowne, neither was I blooded, because they could not finde the veine of my Arke; nor yet was I purged, for that all the humour of my coyne was consumed; neither was I cured, but rather in more desperate danger then heretofore, for that the tissicke of my short-string'd purse had stopped my pores, that opened the way to hap­pinesse and freedome. With this cogitation I arrived at an open paire of large gates, and ca­sting up my head, beheld this verse taken out of the sixth Booke of the Prophet Maro, the hundred twenty and seventh verse: ‘Noctes atque dies patet atri janui Ditis. Loves Law Schoole.’

And under the same was engraven this tetra­sticon:

This is, said Cupid, the grand hall of Plea­ders, where men are clyents, and women Lawyers, for whatsover the men put in, the womens Law stands: the clyents here, for the most part, are [Page 74] rivalls, or such as are accused of negligence in the case of giving; and hee that will cast his op­posite, must begin with a bribe, which wee call a gratuity or ingresse to the processe of the suite: and if the Iseprise or nisi prius be preferred into the Court, before the party accused appeares, he is condemned in costs, and immediately the ac­cuser is obliged to morgage his purse untill hee obtaine a significavi, and if the peccant delay to appeare, or at least to put in his lawfull excuse, then the pleader instructs the Judge so sini­strously against the same party, that the matter proceedes to a declaration, which is ever groun­ded upon the a fide data, or Afidavi, and so the cause comes to an execution, and without de­murring is brought to an attachement, which being served by the accuser, the peccant party is brought in, condemned of double costs, and fined to pay unto his neglected Mistresse a hun­dred crownes sterling, for the discurtesie he had done her; or else to be cast into Loves dungeon, which is a place of obscurity, whose walls are all painted and portratur'd with the visage of disdaine, his dyet being nothing but coy looke, contempt, reproach, and sarcasmall flou [...]es; he hath at this examinating feast a set of braying Asses for his Musitians, and never heares any songs but invective Odes, and Vinegar Sa­tyrs.

Yet you must understand, that although the party that is cast, is damnified, as I have related, yet the accuser doth not escape free, for looke what the peccants charges surmount to, the ac­cuser [Page 75] is constrained to pay halfe so much to the Lawyers Box for the trouble and disturbance in the Court: For as in other Common-wealths, he that conceales the crime of another man, is punished by the Law, as being an ill member of the publike state, so if we, said Cupid, discover a Lover that keepes secret the faults of another, he is punished in purse; and if hee accuse the de­linquent as soone as he perceiveth his malice, yet he escapeth not scot-free, because he is bound to maintain the right and legality of our institution; so that he that speeds best, cōmeth off with losse; for our Maxime is, Discordia minuit substantiam: and we hold another point, which is most rigo­rously observed, that is, Qui damnum alterius quaerit, ipse sibi damnum parit.

I noting in the middle of this Hall a paire of scales, asked Cupid the use of them, who answe­red, by these wee give judgement, not that they signifie levell justice; but according to the in­stitution of our legall rights: for in one scale wee lay the bribe or gratuitie, and in the other the adverse cause, which if it be not accosted with a greater summe then the gratuity of the other is, the cause flyes up, were it never so ponderous; for my professors say, that a penurious cause ne­ver findes either good close or clause; for if his case be not well fraught with substance, and cleare shining like the Diamond, wee judge it so airy and light, that none of my Counsellors will give directions in it, neither any Barrester take it into the uttering mouth of his consideration; for all done here is God-a-mercy penny, for hee that [Page 76] is guarded with the greatest Troope of Angels, is certainely proclaimed victor. But now, said Cupid, let us proceed, and because time will not license us to visit my whole University, as I in­tended, for that the night is almost spent, you may observe the institution of the rest of my schooles, as we walke, and I will likewise give you some briefe notice of the same as wee passe: and now wee came to a port, which was thus portrai­tur'd:

This is the grand entrance to the Schooles of Mathematicks, which hath many ports, for that it hath many severall arts contained within the latitude of its infinitenesse: and this first is that which treateth of the elements Mathematicall, not much different from those, which Euclide hath recommended to posterity. We begin with linea recta, which is made of gold or silver wyer, which is never perfectly recta, untill it is in the possession of the Mathematician Ladies: It is impossible for any student to prove dari triangu­lum aequilaterum, unlesse every angle be equally tipped with pure ductible gold, because there is no true demonstration where gold appeares not, neither can our young Gallants make good this principle, to wit, Omnis triangulus habet tres an­gulos aequales duolus rectis, unlesse the basis bee of [Page 77] gold, and the whole triangle be pointed with Diamonds; for by the basis we are certified of the longitude of the rest of the lines, and by the Diamonds we collect first the equality or discre­pancie of the angles, which joyned together make just two straight angles, which position rectifies the uncertaine lover so, that hee and his Mistresse agree in one and the same opinion of infallibility, both because shee enjoyeth the fi­gure and all it containes, and hee the Science or experience of the same; but yet of all triangles, that which pleaseth the women best is the equi­laterall; the Isoschele is also in much request, because it hath one angle equall to one, and only one different; but the Scalenall triangle is of least esteeme, because it consisteth both of three unequall lines, and as many angles, and therefore requireth most time and trouble in the verifica­tion of the same; yet none of them all are refu­sed, because they are all beautified with a diamon­dall lustre.

Of all angles, the acute angle is most in re­quest, and therefore he that presents his offerings acutely and quicke, is accounted the best Ma­thematician; for the obtuse angle, it is the sig­nification of a dull and slow Mathematitian; and for this reason we never prove any thing by the externe angles, which in triangles are continu­ally obtuse, but onely what is contained within the figure evident to be seene.

But yet you must know, that we treat not of lines indivisible as Euclide doth, but De lineis substantialibus, quae quanto grossiores, tanto sunt [Page 78] meliores, beatioresque illi, qui easdem adferunt; for this reason we treat not of superficies, ut superficies est propriè, but of superficies solidata, because wee allow of nothing but what is solid, and conse­quently trinam habet dimensionem: Now to come to a quadrate, which is thus defined, Quadratum est figura quadrifariàm angulosa, cujus anguli sunt aequales, & recti.

This is never practised, but when foure pre­tendents or studious amorists sollicite the same female in an equality of engagement; and there­fore we terme them a quadrat, because their libe­rall gifts are still presented, as I may say, in aequi­librio, not one exceeding his corrivall; but when one out-strips the rest in generosity, wee consti­tute this quaterniall crew to be a quadrangle, and no longer a quadrat, ever preferring him that is most bountifull and quick in freenesse of hand and heart before the rest, and because hee exten­deth the quadrilaterall company, and draweth them on to imitate his actions, wee stile him the acute angle.

But now to speake of a difficult in Mathema­ticks, let us speake of a circle, which being defi­ned, Omnium figurarum capacissimam esse, there­fore most chargeable to be filled, but the most cost is required, when you will attempt to finde out the center; for this being the chiefe secret in all this Classe, and onely in the womens pow­er to teach and instruct, and againe since it cannot be found out, but by the semidiameter, which is very apt to erre, unlesse your Mistris hold your compasse and rule, and guide your pen, other­wise [Page 79] it is impossible to draw a straight line from the circumference to the center which you desire, because the place, where you draw, is in perpetu­all agitation; and therefore to effect this, it is necessary you see her exceedingly, otherwise you shall not obtaine her favour or your owne freedome; nay, when by her direction, you have found out the center, yet when you experience againe, you must either bring your reward, or else you labour in vain to find out the same point. At the end of this discourse wee came to the next Port, which was thus superscribed:

This is, said Cupid, our Fencing Schoole, whose wards, thrusts, back-blowes, venies, wipes, touches, crosse-cudgelling, and under-pointed agility depend all of Mathematicall angles, such as wee have above-mentioned; very eager and boisterous are this active traine, but yet there is no danger of homicide: the order is, that men shall fence against women, who although they chance to make a thrust against these weaker vessels, and pierce them at least two handfull deepe, yet the wound is not mortall, because the men have provided a plaister of yellow salve, and a pretty quantity of unguentum argenteum, the ap­plication of which not onely easeth her of the wound she felt, but so restores her, that shee is [Page 80] ready for a second combat: and observe how deepe the man makes the incision or penetration, so deepe doth the woman dive into his purse, for the marrow of a fat purse is the best and speediest remedy that can be.

Wee passing by accompanied with this dis­course, I perceived the doore halfe open, whe­ther it were for benefit of the ayre, or to be be­held, I am not certaine, but I made use of the opportunity, and dulling my pace, I espied with­in (as Cupid had related) men to women, and wo­men to men, extreme beautifull and handsome; the men were furnished with Bucklers, some of plate, and some of Gold, with bluntish Rapiers in their hands, yet not so blunt, but they would enter the most difficult and invincible part of any woman there present: the women had darts headed with Cupids gold, which the women ca­sting at them, made them halfe frantick to em­brace them; but the Law was, that no man should close, but he must first deliver up his Buckler into the possession of his adversary, which they observed, all that made their thrusts and closed upon it, and at the departure or reti­ring I marked that the man returned without his Buckler, and with the point of his Rapier hang­ing downewards, to signifie he was overcome. Cupid would not permit me to make any longer observation, by reason of our abreviated time, but commanded mee to accompany him, and when I had overtaken him, wee were just a­gainst another port caractered with this exhasti­con.

This is Arithmeticke, said Cupid, of which you have seen some experience in other schooles: I have nothing more to shew you here, but that the chiefe rule in this Classe, is that which is cal­led the golden number: the rest is a procession founded upon this matter, which is made by pro­portions, or rather proportionalities, which grow into grosser summes by an equall ascent continuè accrescendo; but for those which Euclide calls proportionalitates discretae, wee meddle not with them nisi tàm per accidens quàm per accedens: verbi gratiâ: quando homo indiscretus discretè nobis pecunias annumerat, as, to declare the case more plainely, when a civill or maudlin-drunkard (for we detest the very sight of a bedlam-drunk­ard) hath lost his wits in a quart pot, and mee­ting one of my Girles, intreates her to keep his ring, rich hat-band, or purse untill next morning, and he immediately fettered in Morphean bands sleepes away the memory of all his last nights worke.

Hee that will be of most account, must sum in figures of eight and nine, and the neerer hee comes to thousands, millions, and so is gradua­ted and seated supra convexum gazophylacii, but [Page 82] yet not admitted tangere concavum, nisi sit for­tassis onustus: but he that brings his summes or accounts cast up in nothing but cyphers, is rewar­ded like the Poet, that presented a Booke of ver­ses to his Emperour, who perusing them, and not finding one perfect verse throughout the whole Volume, rewarded him with so many blowes upon the backe as there were verses in the Booke. This said, we came to another Port, that gave me notice of the practice within, being thus portured:

This, said Cupid, is the Schoole of Geome­try, which we will also passe by: here is not pra­ctised the Science of Mega-cosmography, but the perfect lineaments of Microcosme, its lon­gitude, latitude, and profundity; for the liberall Geometritian, if he make use of his golden Rod, may measure both the Marinall and terrestriall parts of his prostrate Lindabrides without diffi­culty; it is not to be understood, that hee shall onely use this Rod, but let him give it to her, and she will direct him, so that hee shall measure her by the foot, nay palme by palme, inch by inch, where and how his lust or liking fancies; neither hath he cause to feare she will start, because this Rod charmes her to be still and quiet, as the great Globe of the earth; for it is like the Mer­curian [Page 83] wand, that with the first touch convinceth her to rest as if she were in a rapture. If you will know the true Geometricall distance betwix her and your selfe, first hang a gold or other rich chaine over her head, and you will really beleeve she is immoble, and hath taken root just under the chaine or gemme that hath enamoured her sences, because her affection chaines her to the admiration of that pretious shrine; then take your Astro labe, Quadrant, Jacobs-staffe, or ra­ther Iacobs stuffe, or what Astronomicall In­strument else usefull in this Science, and take the elevation of her Pole-starre, then proceed per gradus cosmimetrales, so ascend till you come di­rectly over her, and you shall finde by the caden­cie of the line, that you are no more distant from her, then she is from the chaine; therefore hang the chaine about her neck, and three to one shee will bestow a hanging of you.

As my attention sailed on with the wind of Cupids, no lesse avaritious then obscene discourse, there arose a stronger gale, that presently grew in­to a contrary storme, pleasant, as I imagined, when it first pulsed at my eare, because it was musick, but it seemed not so congruent to Cupids Courtiers and darlings, because I perceived that those pretenders were repelled with disdainefull speeches, as full of scoffes as dislike; and with­out meditation Cupid desired me to follow him into the Schoole of Musick, which he hastily en­tered, and I as speedily, having not liberty to peruse the Motto, that adorned the great Port, that gave entrance to divine Harmony; but yet [Page 84] for all my haste I glanced my eyes upon the in­scription, where I remember it began: ‘ Loves Schoole of Musick.Mony is the best Musicke.—’

But what ensued, I never became capable to forget. Here appeared a great tumult, which was, as I apprehended, caused by a company of thread-bare sharkes, that had Harpes, Viols, Lutes, Citernes, Cornets, and many other in­struments, by which I judged them Musitians, and wondring at the novelty, I desired Cupid to declare the reason why these men were debar­red of entrance into the Hall of Loves Musick; hee resolved my doubt, saying, although these appeare Musitians, yet they appertaine not to the Quire of Loves Musitians, but to that of Bacchus; for since the object of Musicke Non constat solùm ex numeris, quos arithmetica docet, sed ex numeris sonoris; and these Bagge-pipe­cheek'd warriers, these fidling sottish trencher-scrapers, whose object is not the perfection of this Science, but a desire to gain a trifle to make themselves drunke, wee exclude them out of our Traine, as fit retainers to the Phalernian God.

For it is daily seene, that if they rub a crowne or so out of the guts of their base and trouble, or blow a beggery echo into the eares of their auditors, which ends with a what will you be­stow; if they receive their expectation, it onely serves to conduct them through the next Taverne; for a Taverne as it is their mint [Page 85] house, where their mony is coyned, so is it their furnace to melt it over againe and againe, even untill halfe a crowne comes to a halfe penny; they will shoot a chain'd bullet, called a paire of groats, at the French But, and will hit the white so oft untill they cannot hit their way home: Sacke is their choise Nectar, and they love it better than their owne soules; they will never leave Sacke, untill they have sackt out all their silver, nay nor then neither, for they will pawne their crowds for more Sacke: Claret is a noble Wine, for that it is of the same complexion that Noblemens coats be of, and therefore to furnish their noses with a hud of this tincture they scar­letfie that promontory, to signifie they are such or such Noblemens Musitians: the noyse of glas­ses is a sweet harmony, which they delight much in; and when Bacchus is pleased to see sport, then they begin to play the Taylors, cutting and slashing one anothers faces in the newest fashion, and these are such, whom you see, and whom the Statute confirmes to be vagabundall Rogues. Yet I doe not condemne all for these Bacchana­lians sakes; because there are many that dedicate the interest of their instruments to my imploy­ment, making their way thorow my Mother Venus her Court, and all such Devotists we enlist in the Hall of Musicke: for you must consider, that our Lawes constitute peace and quiet repose; why should we then expose our selves to the im­tuous fury of ebriety? you know many Drunk­ards had rather part from their bodies blood, then their purse; why should we therefore desire [Page 86] such company, if wee onely desire the blood of the purse, which they onely desire to bestow up­on the blood of the grape? The greatest enemy we have is the Vsurer, and the next is this sort of hide bound Lovers, who are a petty kind of usurers, they make use of their gaines to make themselves frantick; and therefore instead of teaching them our ut, re, mi, wee say, out reeling minstrels; who retire in this distemper to the Man in the Moone, and from thence to the na­ked man, where they leave their shirts in pawne to play the purse-bearer in behalfe of the reck­ning.

And in speaking this I perceived the poore shrugging pedicularians gang away like so many gagling wild Geese; at whose departure a sweet warbling Girle standing in a Balcone, tuned her Lute, and sung this Ode:

This pleasant Damsell had no sooner ended her melody, but the knot of roguery was quite vanished, and I began to aske of Cupid, what Me­thod they observed, to which he answered in this manner:

Our Gamoth is very compendious, nothing is necessary in it but el a mi, which if you under­stood Spanish, you would easily apprehend, for it signifies, he to me; and this is also the cliffe which the men practice in; no note is more profitable [Page 88] and better liked, then a briefe, which my females delight in for the quick signification the word imports, although the note amongst other Musitians is extended to a whole time; a semi-briefe is better allowed of for that which belongs to time, although of lesse esteeme for the ver­ball signification; a crotchet is good, if it make up the time with crownes instead of notes: qua­vers and semiquavers, and such like are to bee admitted with much caution, by reason of the trembling condition which is ordinarily an­nexed to the airy practice thereof; Minums are as much as mine or munera; and therefore the women doe not say minum, but mine, hum: our songs are all plaine, and tangible. Many sorts of Instruments we use; the women play upon the Ho-boy, when they see their Gallants well furnished with gold, which they use for a call: Corrivals play upon the Cornet, which is a manifest signe their Mistresse hath cornuted them: and when they have consumed their store, they are forced to play a mournfull Ditty upon the Band-whore; the Virgin-all is an in­strument which my Damsels can scarce play of, because their strings are so apt to breake; wee have very few men, but they are experienced in the Vi-hole, and when they have almost spent their substance, then they begin to practise the Base: the men practice much of the Virgin-holes, which yeelds sweet Harmony if the wyer be of gold, and the keyes of Diamond, and with this they adjoyne the Bag-pipe, because it is a [Page 89] wind-instrument, and never playes but when the bag is full.

Many other instruments play the Lovers dia­pason, but wee cannot stay to number them and their properties, because our time is almost expi­red. Here is a Classe, a species of Arithmeticke, which is of Hostesses and Vintners, which in­structs them how to make their accounts to their guests; and casting my head aside, I saw the doore cast into my eyes these villainous Rimes:

I made towards the doore, intending to see some of their deceits, but Cupid detained mee, saying, it was a Schoole of reckning, and there­fore he were best take heed; for of all my Uni­versity there is not a more unconscionable place, so that if you enter, you shall not returne, untill you pay them their desire, because you shall no sooner appeare within their walls, but they be­gin to wait and watch what you call for, and if you be mute, they will take you for a foole, and so either uncap you, or uncloake you, and send you back the same way you enter: This heard, my journey was stayed, but yet my desire was something warme, insomuch, that I warily pee­ped in, where I saw such an infinite multitude of fat Hostesses and leane guests, that I ceased to [Page 90] wonder at Cupids words, and began to admire the strange posture they appeared in; for every one lifted up their hands, and, as I thought, said the Lords Prayer; but attending with a more diligent eare, they continually repeated nothing of it but, Give us this day; which when I heard, I imagined they prayed for my comming; but without delay I slided by, and so Cupid con­ducted me within a short space to the great Classe of Astrology, whose Perch gave this instruction, saying; ‘ Loves Schoole of Astrology.Astrologia Amoris.’

And upon the next Port (which stood a little distance off) all studded with Diamonds in-laid with Gold, that shined as if they had beene so many Starres, and I come to the stellified fir­mament, were exposed to the view of all, that desired to prove their fortunate or sinistrous chance, these verses in faire Golden Characters, and thus distically distnguished.

[Page 91]I was not pricked on with such speed to have entred the last rehearsed Schoole, but I was as slow to see and understand the knowledge of this, because my poverty suggested unto mee an assured prognostication of my unhappy successe, yet Cupid comforting me with hopes of change, willed me to forget my present state, and to fol­low him: I obeyed his perswasion, and entred the most glorious concave that ever eyes be­held, for it was made in manner of a sphere, gil­ded with Starres of orientall Gold, whose inter­medium was skie-colour enamill, rough-casted with all sorts of rich stones: I had not beene a minute, but I imagined my selfe to live in the midst of the torrid Zone, and mounting up my sight, I saw the Sunne directly in my Zenith, and in the middle of Aries, for that it was be­twixt the sixteenth degree of that same Signe, being then equinoctiall, and I had a strong con­ceit, that the very heat which the resplendency of this Sun caused, had even boyled my braines, had not Cupid taken me by the hand, and conducted me to a more temperate Climate; for he brought me to a faire Ebony Table, whereon was placed a Booke in folio magno, which I perceived to be a memoriall of successes, or Astronomicall rules for ensuing matters, and without further pause I unfoulded the volume, in whose Frontispiece this Title was contained:

THis Prognostication, said Cupid, since it is generall, not onely prenotes a firme judge­ment of one or two yeeres, but is infallibly cer­taine to the consummation of the world; and because I my selfe know intirely and intensely the force of those refulgent Diamonds, the Stars, that beautifie the celestiall Vault, whose influ­ence instills a golden gift into my Students de­sires, therfore I have constituted, that the chiefest Planet that predominates in my Kingdome shall be Venus, the Goddesse of Beauty, and conse­quently the Mother of Love, whose computation is to be made per calculum album, seu aureum, or, as it is commonly practised, per aureum numerum, whereupon she threatens oblivion and disdaine to the unfortunate Lover, that cannot summe up his pretended suit by this computation.

Behold Luna, how she beatifies her aspect with a smiling countenance; her encrease promiseth happy successe to the ponderous Lover; but if this sinner want increase, hee causeth her favou­rable friendship to decrease; and in case he hath rivalls, let him expect the true demonstrances of [Page 93] his fortune the next New Moone, because then she presents him with a paire of hornes.

The Conjunctions crescent and diminishing sig­nifie, that many gallant Dames shall increase in riches, and their adorers decrease in the purse.

The silver, golden, and gemmish Starres, are presagers of prosperity; and for this reason the poore Lover is called disastrous, because his penury cannot reach to the knowledge or posses­sion of them.

You Labourers, or Husbandmen in love, have a care that you manure your ground with good fatning, plow without bawkes, and sowe thicke, if you desire to reape any fruit by your endeavors, for hee that manures seldome, tilleth gowtily and sowes the thin and light graine of promises or frivolous words, shall gather nothing but the unprofitable weedes of denyals.

If Loves Husbandmen be married; they must observe strictly the tillage and semination of that piece of Land that lyes next to their houses; otherwise their Wives will teach them how to ride Taurus, and hold by his head instead of a bridle.

Close by the Signe Virgo stands Libra, to signifie, that Virgo hath something to sell, but if you intend to buy of the best, bring with you your libra argenti, and then you shall not neede to dodge, but clap up your bargaine with onely saying, Here is your price.

Jupiter in Virgine signifies, that Virgins had rather be broke up by noble and rich men, then [Page 94] beggers, because they desire to live and lye where the influence of treasure is; Ʋbi thesaurus, ibi & cor ipsarum.

Sol in Sagittario prenotes a prosperous voy­age to all our Courtiers that begin their engage­ments in this month, for they never shoot when Sol is in Sagittarius his Bow, but with golden Boults, and then they are sure not onely to hit the white, but cleave the hub of their intent.

Sol in Aquario is a swimmer, and foretells that he may adventure to swim in the Ocean of Loves embraces, who can make an Hydaspian River towards his Venus. Quid non mortalia pectorae co­git auri sacra fames?

Venus in Ariete signifies, that Venus sells flesh, and he that brings good store of gold, shall chuse what joynt he likes best in all her shambles; but he that comes without or at most with very lit­tle, shall onely carry away the head, as an En­signe how he is esteemed.

Sol in Cancro seldome promiseth benevolence, but of the womens part clowdy and obscure e­vents, for our Astronomers prognosticate ill omen to all those that enter whilst this aspect is in power, because it is the Solstice of liberali­ty amongst the men. Shut the Universities doores.

The Sextile aspect is very acceptable to the female kinde, because its Character, as you see, *, points like a bountifull Starre round about, and gives to all; which affirmes, that all those that woe with this aspect, shall arrive at the creek of their owne desire and content.

[Page 95]The Opposition is malevolent both to poore and rich; to rich, because they oppose them­selves against the generous and laudable quality of giving; to the poore, because they have no­thing to give.

If the Gallant sollicit for a conjunction, when Cancer raignes, he hardly obtaines his wish, be­cause the Crab continually is accompanied with vinegar sauce, especially if the female be not ex­traordinarily pleased, who causeth a Pagient of Capricorne, to signifie that such a lubber-fisted Gallant is held a Monster in Cupids Doctrine: But if the Gallant pretend a conjunction when the Rammes golden Fleece and the yellow Lion present their aspects, then the female dignifies the Rammish Gallant with the mild union of the ly-on.

He that touches the Dragons tayle is in danger to be stung; therefore to avoid this killing kinde of malice, it is necessary that hee hang his purse about this Dragons necke, and whilst she playes with it, he may play with her tayle. Cupid would not permit me to passe on, but cut off the eager­nesse of my desire, saying, day now approaches, & therefore wee must depart, onely I will shew you my Library, and there we will end. But as wee went, I desired Cupid to relate something more concerning the fixed stars, who began thus; The constellations or figured congregations of fixed starres according to other Astrologers are forty and eight, but in Schoole the number is much a­breviated; we divide them into five for the wo­men, as aggreeable to ther disposition, and other [Page 96] five appropriated to the mens function; those which belong to the women are ursa major, which signifies the graver sort of my Matrones; the next is ursa minor, which are the younger; the third is lupus, a true type of their avaritious stomacke; the fourth draco, that with her breath poysons all; the fifth is argus, whose multipli­citie of eyes darts invincible allurements at all that come within her view, and also sets vigilant eyes on all, that none shall escape her.

The masculine are auriga, or as wee terme it, auri-gaza, that drives Bootes to be unloaded at Dracos closet doore; the second is cygnus, re­presenting those that are serious sollicitors for the fulfilling of their argus desire, who, at every departure from their faire ones, sing forth the death of their purse, which nimble-ey'd Argus shewes a Mercurian slight; the third is crater, a standing dish of gold, alwayes fit for lupus sto­macke, the fourth is corona australis, represen­ting the noble-minded suiter, who would make ursa major a Queene, if his power were corres­pondent to his will; the last is corona borealis, given freely to ursa minor, to appease her choler or coldnesse, and to make her eight bright eyes benevolent to the messenger.

Loves Library.In speaking of this we entred Loves Library, which was very spacious, and compleatly filled with great variety of Bookes of all faculties, and in all kindes of Volumes.

These, said Cupid, are not called Bookes, but Tomes, or Sections, for that our courtly Dames study onely to exect or cut off their thread-bare [Page 99] curtesans, and induce fresh and new furnished ones: And viewing these Tomes, saw chained up in golden linkes two Spanish Poets, Dante and Cost, and an English one called Messenger, which Messenger they entertaine, hoping still to see the good and gratefull newes of a well-filled purse, but if it prove contrary to their expectation, they command shaving Shirly to make him acquainted with Sir Philip, and so they flirt him into Arcadia to sing a lamentation for his lost Mistresse.

There was also Shakespeere, who (as Cupid in­formed me) creepes into the womens closets a­bout bed time, and if it were not for some of the old out-of-date Grandames (who are set over the rest as their tutoresses) the young sparkish Girles would read in Shakespeere day and night, so that they would open the Booke or Tome, and the men with a Fescue in their hands should point to the Verse.

I proceeded to another ranke of Philosophers, and there was Philosophia de Pla, whom they read as a nominall, for the vicinity that Pla hath to Plate; and after this was their Divine, Plato, a nominall that instructed the same Doctrine: there were Rubeus and Aureolus, those golden nomi­nalls; also More and Durandus, to signifie, that those which read More, must give more, for ac­cording to the extenuation of the gifts, the per­sons were assured of their durance, and this was the reason that More and Durandus were set toge­ther, for [...]ee that reades More, gives more, and he that gives more, is a Durand or of durance, but [Page 100] he that gives not, shall not be endured in Cupids Schooles. Infinite was the number of Tomes, which I will omit for brevities sake, only remem­bring a few to give the Reader notice, that as they began so they ended, intending still upon covetousnesse. There was Tollet, à tollendo, the womens Author; Asinus aureus, a present for the women, which is interpreted to be a rich sim­plitian, more full of gold then wit; Catena au­rea, full of bracelets and such like riches proper to the womens possession; and Bartholomeus Anglicus de lapidibus preciosis.

These and many other Tomes were imprin­ted in severall places; those which were Au­thors for the women, were all imprinted in Capua, à capiendo; and those which belonged to the men, and treated of Jewels and such like, were imprinted in the City of Valencia; the other, that treated of gold and silver, had their impres­sion in the Ile of Waight.

Now, said Cupid, you have seene, what this short time could benefit you with, and all that I can doe, is to reconduct you to the place where I first found you: Thus wee returned, Cupid ac­companying me untill I came to Loves Garden gate; and in this passage space I made use of the remnant of time which was remaining in asking what vacations they observed: to which hee answered, O what a pitifull University should I have, if I permitted Vacations! we disagree in this point from other Vniversities, for that wee have no Vacations, for the great hurt they cause both to male and female, which would be im­ployed [Page 101] in idlenesse and fruitlesse actions, con­trary to the tenure of our institution; and there­fore what wee begin, we prosecute, and allow of no cessation.

But that our Tomes may alwayes be imploy­ed, I have ordained many houres of recreation, and as many sorts of pastime: As to play at ball, the men providing such balls as that which was cast amongst the Goddesses in Ida's Valley; and the custome is, that men post and throw, and the women keepe and catch; for the women catch excellent well, but throw as bad; and the men throw, well and catch very ill. They play much at Nine-holes, but the men bowle continually; and when they enter, they forfeit a certaine sum of money, it being the generall rule with us, that no man can enter without losse. Here also is Artilery, and the women are the Butts, but the most expert Archer is hee that shootes with gol­den-headed Arrowes, who hits the marke every shoot. We use Dice, and sometimes Tables, and if the men adventure against the women at Tik­tak, they are certaine to lose all they play for, and if the men lose all, then the women desire them to play at Passage amongst themselves. Noddy and Catch-foole are their chiefe Games at Cards. Shoovell-boord is also in great re­quest, and very acceptable to the Women, be­cause their lap is the Box, and all is theirs that falls therein.

Whilst my fancy gave audience to the God thus discoursing, and as I imagined tracing on towards the place of our parting, a boy with a [Page 102] Towell and a Bason of water opened my cham­ber doore, and avvaked me out of this Dreame, vvhen he said it vvas seven of the clock, at vvhich I arose, and vested, I turned downe the pillow where I found a branch of Laurell under my head, which one had laid there, who as soone as the party had given me my mornings salutation, desired me to declare my dreame, if perchance I had any that night: I desired her to excuse mee for the present, and within few dayes I vvould accomplish her desire, because my dreame vvas true; and immediately inclosing my selfe in my Closet, I began this relation vvhich you have heard concerning Loves Schooles, from vvhence proceedeth the base and covetous desire of Interest.