THE Country of Betty-Land is a Continent ad­joyning to the Isle of Man, having the Island of Man wholly under its Jurisdi­ction, it is of so large an Ext [...]nt, that it spreads its self through all degrees whatsoever, but the chief­est degrees whi [...] are known to those that travel are from 16 to 45 both of Southern and Northern Latitude, they that st [...]er by the Rules of Compass shall never know the Dominions of it. The Planet which rules it is Venus, tho some [Page 4] aver that it lies all within the Tro­pick of Capricorn, but for that Constellation which is called Virgo, there are very few of the Inhabi­tants of this Country can endure to hear it named: they wonder what that lusty Planet the Sun can have to do with it.

In this vast Empire of Betty-land there are several very large Pro­vinces, as the Province of Rutland, wherein stands the Metropolis of the whole Empire called Pego, the great Province of Bedford, the wide Province of Will-shire, the Province of Guelderland very lit­tle inhabited, the Province of Sla­vonia, the Province of Curland, the Province of Maldavia, famous for the great City of Lipsick, the vast Territory of Croatia, with the Province of Holland, a migh [...]ty Tract of land under the Com­mand of Count Horne, with ma­ny others too long, to repeat. [Page 5] There was formerly a certain Pro­montory or neck of land lying in this Country, called the Cape of Good Hope, but time has so utter­ly defac't it that there is hardly any sign thereof now remaining: The Temperature of the Soyl is as va­rious as you may imagine any Cli­mate to be that lies under so ma­ny far distant Meridians, some­times so cold (especially when it feels the refreshing influences of Wealth and Youth decay, that Winter is more kind, nay the ve­ry hearts of the people will be frozen, and a Cart loaden with whole Canon may go over the streams of their former affection, nothing but Ice of Disdain, hail­stones of Malice, and most bitter storms of Reproach: sometimes so hot again, that a man had bet­ter be let down in a basket in at the great hole of Mount Aetna, than travel in some parts of the [Page 6] Country, but touch it sometimes and you shall lose a Member; it is worse than the Church-yard in Paris, which consumes dead Car­cases in four and twenty hours, for if a man make a hole in some part of the mould, and put but an inch of his flesh in, it will raise such a flame in his body, as would make him think Hell to be upon Earth: to say truth, the nature of the Soyl is very strange, so that if a man do but take a piece of it in his hand, 'twill cause (as it were) an immediate Delirium, and make a man fall flat upon his face upon the ground, where if he have not a care, he may chance to lose a limb, swallowed up in a whirl-pit, not without the Effusi­on of the choycest part of the blood: But for Tillage the Soyl is so proper, and so delightful it is to manure, that be it fruitful, or be it barren, men take the great­est [Page 7] pleasure in the world to plow it and sow it, nay there are some men that take it for so great a pa­stime, that they will give some a [...]housand some two thousand pound a year for a little spot in that Country, not so big as the palm of your hand: Herein it is of a different nature from all o­ther Soyls, for tho it be fertile e­nough, yet after you have suffici­ently plowed it and sown it, it re­quires neither showres nor the dew of Heaven, nor puts the husbandman to the troublesome Prayers for the alteration of wea­ther; yet if the husbandman be not very careful to tend it and wa­ter it himself every night, once or twice a [...]ight, as they do Marjo­ram after Sun-set, he will find a great deal of trouble all the year long, tho there be a sort of Phi­losophers that understand the na­ture of the Soyl very well, who [Page 8] say that that kind of Husbandry is very unnatural and very incon­venient for the Soyl, and that it were far better for a provident Husbandman to have 3 or 4 or half a dozen farms one under ano­ther than to spend so much time, toyl and labour altogether in vain, for thereby many times the Crop comes to nothing, and tho it may be very well got off the ground and seem fair for the time, yet when you think to have the be­nefit of it, you shall see it after­wards come to nothing, and moul­der away like a rotting Orange: If the Soyl be barren, all the dung in the world will never do it any good, yet the more barren it is, the more will the Soyl cleave and gape for moisture, the sands of Arabia are not so thirsty, and yet as if there were a kind of witchcraft in the Soyl, there are thousands of Husband­men so strangely besotted, that [Page 9] when they have hap'ned upon such a barren spot as this, yet they will not stick to lay out their whole stock upon it, tho they know it to be all to no purpose, whereby many Husbandmen come to ruine, not being able to pay their Land­lords; if the Soyl prove [...]fruitful, then they are as mad again on the other side, then they so overstock it with variety of Flowers and Co­lours, so tyre out Art with Inven­tions to beautifie nature, that when winter comes there is hardly a leaf left to cover the ground; as to the colour of the Soyl you shall have it very much vary, for in some places you shall meet with a sandy mould which is generally very rank and very hot in its tempera­ture, so that it requires the great­est labour of all to manure it, sometimes you shall light upon a kind of a white Chalk or ma [...]ly kind of a Soyl not so difficult to [Page 10] manure, and besides the heart of the ground will be soon eaten out; sometimes you meet with a brown mould which is of two sorts, ei­ther light brown, or dark brown. Husbandmen generally take great delight in manuring either of these, for the Air is there generally whol­some, and not so much annoyed with morning and evening Fogs and Vapours as the former, besides that, the husbandman shall be sure to have his penny-worth out of them, for they will seldom lye fal­low; take which you will, but if you meet with a black Soyl, be sure you take short Leases, and sit at an ea­sie Rent, lest your back pay for the Tillage, for you must labour there night and day and all little enough: To tell you the truth, choose which of them you will, 'tis a cursed expensive thing to manure any of them all according as the Soyl requires, especially in [Page 11] the Northern parts of the Coun­try, where the generality of the Husbandmen seem to have forfeit­ed their discretion in this particu­lar, as if the very Air of the Soyl in those parts had a kind of be­witching Charm to deprive 'em of their sences. These Soyls if they prove very fruitful indeed, shall sometimes bring you 3 Crops at a time, sometimes 2, but generally 1, a strange sort of Harvest, for it consists chiefly in Mandrakes, they bring forth both Male and Female, which are very tender when they ap­pear first above ground, and must be tended more diligently than Musk-Melons in cold weather, but if they overcome their first tenderness, they grow as hardy as Bur Docks, and will over-run a Country like Ierusalem-Artichoaks. These Man­drakes are very much esteemed by the generality of husbandmen, who do very much lament the loss of their [Page 12] Crop, which many times miscar­ries after it is come out of the Earth, for it is very often blasted and sometimes (through the care­lesness of idle huswifes their maid Servants) swept out of doors, and thrown into houses of Office, where (though Man's dung be counted the best of all dungs) these Plants will never thrive afterwards; these Husbandmen that delight in Gar­dens, find many Flowers there growing very agreeable to the na­ture of every one of the forego­ing Soyls; among the rest, they bear Batchelors Buttons very fa­miliarly, there is also great store of Love lies a bleeding, but above all sweet Williams, and Tickle me quickly are to be found there in great abundance, sometimes (tho very rarely here and there) you may find some few slips of Patience, flower Gentle, and Harts-ease, but Rue grows up and down as [Page 13] thick as Grass in Ireland; there are also great quantities of Time, but the people of the Country slightly esteem it and make very little use of it. Fowl th [...]y have in great plenty, but above all, the most infinite flights of Wagtailes that ever were seen in any Coun­try in the world. Beasts they have none but what are horned, ex­cept the Hare and Coney, but these are enough to stock the Country as large as it is, were it as large again.

There is but one great River to water the whole land, besides two standing Pools which they can upon any occasion, let out and drown all the Country, which is the reason they have very little Fish, only some few Maids, but infinite numbers of Crabs, as for their Carps they are grown so com­mon, they are hardly worth ta­king notice of, and indeed there [Page 14] is little need of [...]ish, for the hus­bandmen being given to labour, have good stomachs and are alto­gether for Flesh. the great River is over-look't by a great Moun­tain which (strange to tell at some seasons of the year) will swell at such a rate that it is admirable to behold it, the swelling continues near ¾ of a year, and then upon a sudden it falls as strangely again; the Husbandmen accompt the swel­ling of this Mountain very omi­nous, for it generally portends a very dear year: they that have not taken a Lease of their Farms, when they see this Mountain begin to swell, will run quite away for fear the law should make them stand to their Bargain [...]: the whole Country of Betty-land shews you a very fair prospect, which is yet the more delightful the more naked it lies; it makes the finest Landskips in the world, if they be taken at [Page 15] the full Extent; and many of your rich husbandmen will never be without them hanging at their bed sides, especially they that have no Farms of their own, meerly that they may seem to enjoy what they have not: some there are that so really believe they possess the sub­stance by the sight of the shadow, that they fall to till and manure the very Picture with that strength of Imagination, that it is a hun­dred pounds to a penny they do not spoil it with their Instruments of Agriculture: others never so lazy or never so tyr'd before, upon the sight of one of these Landskips, shall revive again and go as fresh and lu­sty to their labour as if they never had been weary: I could wish these Customs were left off of hang­ing, these Landskips by the hus­bandmen's bed sides, for the con­sequences thereof are very mischi­vous, seeing that it causes them [Page 16] to desire and covet one anothers Farms with that eagerness, as if they were in open Hostility with the Tenth Commandment, so that where they cannot get the pro­spect it self, they will have a Land| skip and occupy one anothers E­state in conceit: In a word, the prospect of Betty-land is so grate­ful, so pleasing to the Eye, that the Country would be over-run with Inhabitants, had not wise Nature put a stop to that extrava­gancy which she foresaw in Man by the badness of the Air, which is universally not so dilicious in a­ny Region of Betty-land, as it is in Arabia Faelix; for neither in spring­time, which is the time whereof we now discourse, nor in summer time can the Air be very much commended, especially if the wind be any thing high, which has made many Men admire why the Poets should be such Lyers and Sycophants [Page 17] to talk as they do; for some have not stuck to affirm that the Per­sumes of Betty-land are beyond all the Odors of the East, which how true it is, I will appeal to the ve­ry Noses of the Poets themselves, who I know are as well skilled in the Country of Betty-land as any Husbandmen in the world; nor can any body have the confidence to contradict what I say, that shall stay but a quarter of an hour in any place where the Thrashers have been lately at work. This was the reason that the Poets would never let the Gods (who were as great Farmers as ever liv'd in Bet­ty-land) lie upon any other beds than beds of Roses, and always persum'd the Air as they went with the richest Odors they could think of, but in the Winter and Autumn seasons there is no enduring the Country: The Prospect is not worth one farthing, the ways grow [Page 18] deep and rugged, the land grows barren; there is little or no plea­sure in tilling the ground, and the unwholsomness of the Air encrea­ses, which is very bad for those that hold their Farms by long leases, yet so severely are some Husband­men tyed by their Leases, especi­ally in the Northern parts of this Country, that there is no avoid­ing them, yet some there are that will for all that, privately hire a new Farm, perhaps such a one where neither Spade or Dibble en­tered before, and then they let the old only lye fallow, wherein if they act cautiously, they may do well enough; but if the Land­lord of the old Farm come to know of it, and sue upon the Covenant of the old Lease, Heavens bless us! you would think Heaven an [...] Earth were going together, you would swear all the Lapland Witch­es were excercising their Sorce [...]ies [Page 19] in Betty-land, such Storms, such Tempests, such Thunder, such Lightning, such Apparitions, e­nough to scare the poor plow-jog­ger out of his wits: by and by the Landlady enters upon the new Farm in the Devils name, tears down all before her, makes such a disfigure­ment of the Prospect, and digs up the very surface of the Soyl it self with so much indignation, havock and destruction, that you would think her to be quite raving mad, yet there shall be no impeachment of wast against her, so strictly is the husbandman bound by the Co­venants of his Lease and nonsen­sical Custom of the Country, at which time if ye chance to tell a­ny of these Landladies of the Ci­vil Law, they'l presently spit in your face.

Having thi [...] fair occasion it will not be amiss to take notice by what Tenures the husbandmen [Page 20] hold their Farms most usually in this Country, some therefore you must know hold in Tail special; true it is, that there are v [...]ry few that hold by this Tenure, yet thos [...] few that do, a [...]e soon weary of it, for it puts them to very hard duty, and however they have ta­ken a Lease hand over head or for covetousness of a good Bargain, yet it many times falls out that they meet with many Incumbrances which they never thought of, se­veral concealed common sewers, and filthy nusances which they ne­ver expected, so that the Landlords (as they do many times allow the husbandmen considerable summs of mony to enter upon the Premi­ses and to begin the world withal) had better have given the sam [...] mony for a meaner Soyl; and [...] for all this, the conditions of the Lease are so hard, that the hus­bandman is obliged to hold it du­ring [Page 21] life, which makes many of them turn ill husbands: and tho they cannot throw up their Leases, yet they neglect their Calling and let their Farms lie fallow: where­by all possibility of Issue or the hopes of any Fruit of his labour becomes Extinct. Thus a Tail spe­cial is not always the most special Tail, and to cut it off would ha­zard the destruction of the whole Title, besides that there lies such an Impeachment of wast against the Husbandman that should do it, that it would undo him for ever; and therefore it is the Opinion of many, that a Tail General may be as good as a Tail Special, which tho it be the first Tenure in order in Betty-land, yet some there are that p [...]efer a Tail General before it. All men must confess that a strict property in a Tail Special is a very good thing, but consi­dering the Inconveniences that do [Page 22] attend it, a general Tail may be esteemed the better Tenure, as be­ing accompanied with greater Ad­vantages, for it requires not half the fealty and homage which the other does, neither if the Hus­bandman will have a private Farm to himself for his divertisement i [...] there half so much notice taken of it, and therefore they that can brook the freedom of a Tail Ge­neral live very happily, and ma­ny times acquire large fortunes.

Others there are that holds by Knights Service in the Courtesy of Betty-land, these are notable Far­mers indeed, jolly, brisk fellows that will spend with ever a Gen­tleman in the Country of a thou­sand pound a year, and make them pawn their Credit and their Sub­stance to boot to bear up with them: these men as they have the greatest pleasure in the world to manure their Grounds, so they [Page 23] reap a world of profit by their la­bour; nay tho the Soyl be never so long worn and out of heart, yet they will make something on't, for they seldom lose their pains. There are a fort of nice people that would fain disallow these Te­nures, but seeing that they plead the common practice and plead prescription time out of mind, I know no reason why they may not pass for currant: others there are [...]hat hold in Fee simple, a miserable sort of Swains, that are always weeping to their neighbors, and [...]elling sto [...]ies o [...] their hard Bar­ga [...]ns▪ [...], they are ty'd to [...], besides that, [...] which they enjoy have not [...]ng of prospect, nor are kind for [...]illage, the mould being gene­ [...]ly [...] and rough, and [...] [Page 24] there is no pleasure in the Tillage: but such hu [...]bandmen as those a [...]e no ways to be pitied, because they submit to their Calamity: others there are which are always deal­ing in Reversions and Remainders, a very necessary sort of husband­men indeed, for they support the Reputation of many a Farm pre­judiced by being over-occupied, which else would lie upon the Landlords hands; true it is, they run a very great hazard, but they are generally very poor men, and therefore seeing there is mony to be got e'n let them get it: they are no way to be discouraged▪ for they help many a labo [...]ious hus­bandman at a dead lift, and quit them of a great deal of trouble which might otherwise befal them.

Reversions and Remainders are very frequent in this Country, e­specially where the husbandmen be­ing Yeomen of the best rank hold [Page 25] either in Capite or in Frank-Mar­riage or else are Tenants at Will: These are the bravest f [...]llows in the wo [...]ld, but if the Marke [...]s run low, then th [...] Crop lies upon [...] hands, which makes them willi [...]g to part with their Re­ver [...]ons upon any rate: They make no more of the Lord of the Manner than of a Jack-a-Lent, and if they be summoned to Court, they bid the Bayliff kiss their back-sides, yet are they as industrious as any when they meet with a Farm to their li­king; but the truth on't is, they are great spenders, even as fast as they get it; happy are those Farms which they manure, for they'l spare for no cost to in­crease their own content: The mischief on't is, they must have great stocks or else they can never go through with what they undertake, nor must they [Page 26] have only good Magazines to spend high, but good store of discretion to boot, or else they may chance to bring an old house over their heads for all their great substance, for the world is full of Eyes and Ears, full of prying busie-bodies and obser­vers in every Corner; so that a husbandman let him hold by what Tenure he pleases, cannot be too wary or too cautious. Two Philosophers meeting upon the Road fell into a Discourse about these three last sorts of Tenures, says one of them who was a per­fect Cynick, I approve none of the three last sort of Tenures; You are a fool, reply'd the other, and un­derstand the nature of Betty-land no more then a horse, the peo­ple in that Country are natural­ly given to love freedom and li­berty, naturally prone to change and variety, and therefore as long [Page 27] as you may find these Tenures in Littleton, as I am sure you may, they cannot be bad; can you change the nature of the Soyl? no more can you change the nature of the Husbandmen, for tho you thrust Nature back with a fork she will push forwards again: if they ma­nure their Farms well, and you see the fields full and fair and swelling with Grain, if they make them bear their Crops in season, what is it to you how many Farms they have, how long or how little they hold them, especially when there are so many gaping after Reversi­ons; were it in a Country where there are more Farmers then Farms, I grant you there were some rea­son for what you say, but every man of reading knows that Betty­land is a Country where there are ten Farms for one Farmer and it is great pity that any Farm should lye fallow for want of manu [...]ing. [Page 28] Now when one Farmer takes one Farm for pleasure, another for profit, that Farmer takes two; when another Farmer takes one farm for profit, another for plea­sure, and another upon good li­king, he takes three, and so all the Farms come to be occupied: As for being Tenants at Will, and so leaving their Farms when they will, 'tis not a farthing matter, for let one husbandman have a Fa [...]m to day, another will take it tomor­row; on the other side, you must consider, that tho a husbandman have one, two or three Farms to himself, yet there is no Farmer in Betty-land can enclose his own ground all the year long by the custom of the Country, but that from Lammas to St. Pauls-tide, it must lie common for the benefit of his neighbors, which is allow­ed in Law, and is called common because of neighborhood: nay [Page 29] more then that, there is hardly a Farm in Betty-land, where there is not some ground that lies com­mon all the year long; so that if the poor husbandman had not some private Enclosures to relie to, his case were the worst case of all the cases in the world: to say truth, there is such a world of Com­mon in Bettyland, that a husband­man is not to be blamed to get as much Enclosure as he can: and more than this, when the ground begins once to lie common, it re­ceives all the Beasts in nature, not excepting Swine, Geese and Goats, which all other Commons admit not of.

The whole Country of Betty-land lies very low, which is the r [...]son th [...]t there is ha [...]dly a Farm in [...] of it without a Decoy, nor [...] cunning of the Decoy­d [...]ks l [...]ss notorious, for they [...] all other Decoy-ducks that [Page 30] are in the world in wi [...]es and sub­tilty. There is not a Widgeon in in all the Country, but has a Decoy-duck to wait upon him, and they lay their Trains so cunningly, that it is impossible to escape them, and as they are very cunning, so they are very cruel, for they never get a Gull into their Decoy, but they shall pull off all his feathers: these D [...]coys are some Natural, some Artificial; there is not a pin to choose betwixt them, for they are both plaguy devouring things, and clear all the Country before them, of whatever game they seek af­ter. Orpheus in his Argonautiques, speaking of a great Decoy-duck in his time (which the people of Betty-land called by the name of Circe) says that she was so curious­ly set out ‘ [...].’ That all men admir'd her that beheld her, and were so stupisied with the sight of her g [...]ie­ty [Page 31] that they could make no resi­stance against her, sor saith the same Author, ‘ [...]— [...]’, her golden feathers shone like the Sun-beams, nor do they cry like other Ducks: for they have most delicate voices, and can sing far beyond any Nightingales.

There is no Country in the world that has Decoy-ducks like Betty-land, being a rarity no where else to be [...]ound, were there not so many of them, you would ve­rily take them to be Phenixes: for they are many times burnt in their own Nests. This Decoy-duck called Circe, had like to have spoil­ed us two of the best Stories we have extant: Homers Vlysses, and Virgils Aeneids, for this very Duck had like to have drawn the two great Hero's of the world, Vlysses and Aeneas into the Decoys of Betty-land, to the ruine of all the [Page 32] projects of the very Gods them­selves.

There was another Decoy-duck no less famous than the former, which was called Medea, a damn'd mischievous Bird, tho for the beau­ry of her wings said to be the Suns. Grand-child: for what ever game she gets into her Decoy, she utterly ruines, and therefore Ni­cander a great Farmer in Betty-land and the high-Constables fellow for knowledge of the Country, gives his fellow-husbandmen very good caution, for saith he— ‘ [...]—’ If a poor husbandman come to be decoy'd into one of her Decoys. ‘ [...]— [...]—’ the poor Widgon had better a thousand times have fallen into the Poulterers hands.

[Page 33]From these two famous Decoy-ducks, have all the Decoy-ducks in Betty-land learnt all their wiles and cunning Tricks, and if any thing of nature be wanting, they hav [...] all their kinck-knacks, all their postures, gestures, trickings and tri [...]ings imaginable to help na­ture; for they know as well as can be, how weakly those Ave­nues to the understanding (the Eyes and Ears) are gua [...]d, and th [...]r [...]fore they chiefly lay their Trains there: if they see a Widge­on or a Gull pass by, they will spread their Tailes like so many Peacocks, and set the poor silly birds a staring like so many Coun­try Bumpkins at a Coronation. By and by comes a slight of Dotte [...]ls, and then they set up their throats and sing, and sing and [...]ly, and [...]ly and sing; so that the foolish Fowl bewitcht with their Quail-pipes, follow their bird­calls [Page 34] to whatever inconvenien­ces they are minded to carry them into. Some are of that opini­on, that it is an easie thing to a­void these Decoys: but how can that be, when we find that both Vlysses and Aeneas were forced to have some God or other always tyed to their tails to keep them out of harms way? Some there are indeed, that by dint of main Prudence escape the danger, but for one of those there are a thou­sand others that have nothing but their dear-bought Experience to preserve them: And for one of those ten thousand more that will suffer themselves to be decoy'd six or seven and twenty times over, till they have not one feather to co­ver their tails: for the nature of these Decoys is such, that tho they feed a simple husbandman (that all the while neglects the manuring of his own Farm) with [Page 35] such pleasure and co [...]tent, yet they consume and wast both body and purse most desperately and insensibly: desperately, because inj [...]rably; insensibly, because the s [...]lly husbandman wallowing in present delight, neither consults or minds approaching misfortune, yet if a Gull or a Dotterel or a Widgeon have a mind to be re­veng'd upon a Decoy-duck that has been too cunning for him, there is a way to do it, by setting ano­ther Decoy-duck upon her.

Thus when the Decoy-duck Medea would have decoy'd the greatest Farmer in all Betty-land (even Iupiter himself) Iuno who was Iupiters Decoy-duck took her and wrung off her neck, and surely Iuno serv'd her well enough for a proud Quinstrel as she was, that spent all the morning in lay­ing her Nets, if we may be­lieve Apollonius Rhodius, another [Page 36] great Farmer in Betty-land who describes her.

‘ [...]’. Trimming and pruning her Fea­thers by the Sea-side, that is to say, sitting before a great look­ing-Glass in her Smock-sleeves, with her Hair dishevell'd, and her Neck and Breasts bare, expecting the coming of the great Farmer Iupiter, but Iuno prevented them both, as you have heard: and so much for the Decoys in Betty-land.

For the Antiquity of the Coun­try we need not go far to search it out: no sooner was there any light delivered to the world by Letters, but the first discovery that was made, was the discovery of Betty-land: what it was before may be easily conjectured, but in the time of the Greek and Roman Poets, it was a flourishing King­dom even in Heav'n it self: con­taining [Page 37] all that large Tract which was in Greek called [...]: nay, ev [...]n Caelum it self f [...]om whom Hea­ven was called Caelum, was a Farmer in that Country, and so great a hus­band man, so great and so industri­ous a Manurer of his Farms, that Orpheus calls him ‘ [...]’: And by the Latine Poet he is said,

And how he stockt the world with Mandrakes, you may easily read in Hesiod, who in his Theogony wrote of the Celestial Agriculture, as Markham among us wrote of Terrestrial Husbandry.

Saturn also was a great Hus­bandman in the Celestial part of Betty-land, and because he liv'd upon his Means, was therefore said to eat his own Children: But for Iupiter, he was certainly the great­est Husband-man that [...]ver was in [Page 38] the whole World, for he had Farms in both Betty-lands, and was so industrious and so infatiga­ble in manuring and tilling them, that he left no stone unturn'd of which he could make any Advan­tage: And therefore Aratus who was a kind of an Almanack-maker to the Celestial Farmers says of him with a great deal of slattery,

so that there was not a publique high-way, not a market-place in all the Country which he left un­plow'd: nay the very Sea, the very Rivers and Lakes were full of his Husbandry; by that you may guess that he l [...]ft a great stock be­hind him. The same Poet seems also to intimate t [...]t he was the first Foun [...] (as [...] as we say Iu­piter was the [...] in the world) of [...]-land, as Nimrod [Page 39] was the first founder of the Babilo­nish Empire; for saith he in the beginning of his Poem, a Ioveprin­cipium, Apollonius Rhodius gives us a notable Character of him.

He was so great a husbandman that there was never a Farm either in the Terrestrial or Celestial Betty-land, but he would be thrusting his Spade into it; to tell the truth, all the Poets Fables concur to show you the Original, Encrease and vast Extent of the Country of Bettyland; such as are the Stories of Caelum, Iupiter, Saturn, Venus, Priapus, Adonis, Bacchus, Aristius, (and the rest too long to repeat) all great Husbandmen that kept their plows going day and night. As t [...] the Terrestrial Bettyland, what think you of that most applanded Farmer Hercules? that so many Ages ago plow'd and sow'd 50 [Page 40] large Farms in one night: what havock, what killing and slaying of the poor Grecians, what a de­struction of unhappy Troy, and all for one unhappy Farm belonging to that City which Menelaus laid claim to: what think ye of De­mosthenes that so many years since gave for the possession of a small Farm lying ab [...]ut Athens only for one night 312 l.? for so Gellius re­cords.

In what a flourishing condition was the Country of Betty-land in the time of Menander, Aristopha­nes, Anaereon, Plautus, Terence, Tribullus, Ovid, Martial and Pe­tronius, who all wrote of the Hus­bandry and Tillage of their times? In the Infancy of the world, Pri­apus had so engross'd all the Farms in the Country Lampsacus, a fair Territory of Betty-land, by rea­son of the unusual Activity, large­ness and strength of his Plow, that [Page 41] the Countrymen conspired against him for monopolizing their Li­vings: I might insist longer upon the Antiquity of Betty-land, but that I am apt to believe there is no man so simple to question it. They may as well deny the Sun, who was no sooner made, but he fell to tilling and cultivating the vast and most immense Fields of nature, for the whole Region of Betty-land holds of nature as her chief Sovereign and Empress, and the Sun as her sole Steward to ga­ther her Quit-Rents, provide Tenants and let Livings; aud therefore if you come to any Far­mer in Betty-land, and ask him how he came to take such affecti­on to the husbandry of that Coun­try, he will make answer pr [...]s [...]nt­ly, 'tis natural to him: And for any Soyl to bear that S [...]d which is proper for it, that all the world knows to be natural. Now [...] [Page 42] the force of natures Impulse, I shall say more when I come to the Religion of the Country; seeing then it is the Impulse of Nature that moves the Husbandmen of Betty-land to take upon them that Toyl and Labor which they un­dergo night and day: should they be blam'd for what they cannot a­void? for who can blame a Jack for turning the spit when the weight is on, or a wheel for turning round when a Dog walks in it? ra­ther there ought a way to be found out for the Incouragement of these[?] Moylers and Toylers; for tho all men are prone to be drudges in Betty-land, yet the husbandry of the Country is quite out of order; there is no method at all observed amongst them, a most wonderful thing that in so vast a Country and so long continuance, there never yet was found any Region where­in the Husbandry of Betty-land [Page 43] was so exactly ordered, as in that small part of it as was once called [...], for it is observed in that part of Bettyland, the Price of Farms ran always very low; the only way to restore the decay of Betty-land husbandry; therefore we [...]ead of one very [...]ich Far­mer there, who bought a very fair Farm in that Count [...]y for thi [...]ty change of Rayments, and of another g [...]eat Fa [...]mer that bought a Royal Farm in the same place, for one hundred fore­ [...]: a very inconsiderable price, considering what poor Farmers are forc't to give now a-days. The Druids in the Island of Britannia a very large part of Betty-land, aim'd at this very thing when they Entail'd their Lands upon their Male-Mandrakes, had they Entayl'd their Substance in Mony as well as in Land, they had hit the Mark: It is to be [Page 44] wondred that in a Country of so much freedom as Betty-land is, and Govern'd by constituti­ons so far different from other Countries, Landlords should be so egregiously led astray to give such vast Summs of Mony to put off their Farms, tho never so f [...]uitful, never so flourishing: For the Muck of Po [...]tions tho it be spread never so thick upon a Betty-land Farm, avails nothing to the fertility thereof, rather it is the greatest Inconvenience in the world to a Betty-land Farmer, for he understanding that there lies a Silver or a Gold Mine in such a Farm, or such an Hesperian Orchard is laden▪ with golden Ap­ples, will have at them by hook or by [...] [Page 45] way to lay those She [...] Arguses asleep, and when all comes to all, n [...]ither Orchard nor Farm are agreeable to his mind, or sit for Tillage: nay many times the ground proves barre [...], marshy, unwholsom, ran [...], and mou [...]tain­ous; so that there is no profit nor [...] in manu [...]i [...]g or dres­sing it: wh [...]r [...]as if th [...]se Allure­men [...]s lay not before the Eyes of the Husbandman, he would choose the most delightful Prospects, the most f [...]uitful Soyls: and the sub [...]stance of the Country being con­tracted into the hands of the husbandmen only, would make the Farmers more able to main­tain their husbandry: then you should hear none of those com­mon complaints of Landlords, by [...]eason of their Farms lying up­on their hands; nay you should not see an indifferent Farm in all the Country of Betty-land lye [Page 46] wast and ruinous for want of Tillage: whereas now how ma­ny fair delicate fruitful Soyls lie fallow? how many beautiful Or­chards lie undrest? because they either want Silver Mines, or are not laden with golden Apples: Another great discouragement to the Husbandry of Betty-land is this, that the extreme folly of the husbandmen themselves is not some way restrain'd; for they ha­ving obtain'd a rich Farm, doat upon it with so much vanity, that they spend more labour and cost upon one Farm, then would serve to maintain forty good Farms in full heart, so that divide a Farmers whole substance in six pa [...]ts, he shall wast and consume five parts and an half upon one singl [...] Farm, which is a great cause of the ge­neral Impoverishment of th [...] Bet­ty-land Husbandmen. Then comes a third, and as grievous a discou­ragement [Page 47] as any; for these Rich Soyls by reason of their Richness grow [...]ank and proud, and the [...] the poor husbandman is so plagued with Weeds, N [...]ttles, and wild-Ar [...]i­choaks, that none can imagine it, but they that feel the trouble: you shall see nothing but the gay Poppies that kill and burn up his profitable Harvest, and which is worst of all, the poor Farmer is left without Remedy. For in the Northern parts of Betty-land there is no help: pull them by the roots he cannot, they are got so deep in the Earth; let him take a wee [...] ­ing-hook in his hand, and the whole Country cries out upon him, and besides all this, Petro­nius — ‘Lex armata sedes circum fera li—mina Nuptae.’

The Stream [...]of the Law runs quite against the Farmers for the Law is so careful to prevent wast [Page 48] and destruction that it will not admit of gentle pruning, for fear some o [...] the more impatient so [...]t should thence take an occasion not only to injure, but confound their Farms.

Having thus given you a de­scription of the [...], it m [...]y not be amiss to shew you som [...]thing of the nature of the Inhabitants. They are generally very Amorous, or rather universally given to Love; which according to the interpreta­tion of some of the Sages, is as much as to say Libidinous: for the Tem­per of Mandrakes both Male and Female is for the most part both hot and moist, which are the Prin­ciples of Generation; which is the Principal foundation of all Love, that is to say, of that which is generally reputed to be Love, which by another name is call'd Desire, according to that of the Poet.

For you must know there is no true and real Love in the whole Country of Betty-land, and there­fore there was never any Shep­herd in Betty-land that lov'd a Shepherdess with that height and true Affection as Shepherds have lov'd Shepherds; never had hus­bandman so much kindness for the richest Farm, the most beautiful Prospect, the most fruitful and most agreeable Soyl in Betty-land, as Damon had for Pythias, Theseus never had that Affection for Ari­adne, as he had for Pirithous: nor shall the Story of Orpheus stand in my way, tho he sued Pluto for a Farm that Persephon [...] had taken from him. For if Eu­ridice was his Soul, I cannot blame [Page 46] him that he followed the croud of his brother Harpers to Hell when that was departed: but take him how you please, one Swallow makes no Summer, and the Reason is plain. For the In­habitants of Betty-land love one another, not out of any true Af­fection, but for the hopes of Re­ward and self-Satisfaction: which Reward or Satisfaction decaying through Age or Infirmities, the great Love that was just now, cools in a moment like the [...] of Venison: And therefore Betty-land. Love is but a hot degree and eager pursuit after pleasure, which encreases sometimes to that height, that both Shepherds and Shepher­desses seem to be mad; which was the reason that when Iupiter took away the fair Shepherdess, call'd Europa, out of Terrestrial Betty-land, the Poets [...]eign'd him to be turn'd into a Bull, a beast most [Page 47] [...]as [...]ivious and impetuous in the [...] of his Amours. No less did this fury appear formerly in the female Inhabitants of Betty-land, while Semiramis rages for the Embraces of her Son, and [...] roars for the Pizzle of a Bull; and no question but the Temper of that little spot of Ground be­longing to the Shepherdess Massa­lina, still continues [...]aried tho not [...]tiated tho it ( quinto & vi­g [...]simo Concubitu) had been plow­ed and harrowed twenty five times in a day and a night: Could the numberless number of consum'd and wasted [...] C [...]lves of the poor husbandmen speak? Could you [...]ut hea [...] the Bannings and Cur­ [...]ings in Quevedo's Hell of untimely [...], exhausted and drain'd with continual Labor; Could you but behold the many Sacrifices of Lust, the many Martyrdoms of fe­male pastime? would but your [Page 48] reserv'd Nurses, Chamber-maids, and Apothecaries but vouchsafe to open the Cabinets of their Breasts▪ how many regal Pasts, incarnating Electuaries, restoring Potions they give in a year; you would [...] soon be acquainted with the Na­ture of Betty-land-Love, which is so far from being true Love, that it is only a continual practice of Surprize. The flames of Desire like a Candle discovering the [...] ­cret Paths and Labyrinths which the Shepherds and shepherdesses of all Sexes, Ages, Degrees, and Hu­mors choose in pursuit of their A­morous Designs.

Thus we find the Love of the Shepherds in Betty-land, to be more fierce, of the Shepherde [...] to be more constant; how Youth loves wantonly, old Age [...]: They that are poor strive [...] please by Officiousness & continual Duty, the Rich oblige by Gifts, the [Page 49] middle sort puts their Confidence in Invitations, Fish-Dinners, and S [...]ring-Garden-Collations; the Nobler sort of Arcadians in Masques and Enterludes. In some parts o [...] Betty-land you shall find the in­genious Lover as full of dissimu­lation as an Egg full of meat, u­sing a kind of elaborate Court­ship; praising the Object of his Affection in high streins of Madri­gals and Eclogues, and preferring her for the fairest in the World, when he thinks nothing less: if he grow jealous, he observes her as a Cat watcheth a Mouse, if he miss her, then he curses her to the pit of Hell: others impatient, mad, and restless in their Desires; be­wail their Flames at the fe [...]t of their Goddess, and invoak her Pi­ty; if he enjoys her, he either grows jealous of her, and kills her, or being thoroughly s [...]tiated, pro­stitutes her: but if he despair of [Page 50] Enjoyment, then no man more cru­cifies himself, no man seemingly de­sires to die with more willingness; as if his Peace were absolutely made in Heav'n. The wanton Lo­ver is all for obs [...]quious Admira­tion, for Songs, Jests, and Tales; Jealousie makes him as melancho­ly as an old Cat, Despair hur­ries him to Revenge, to Scandal and Reproach, and many times to attempt Violence: Enjoyment makes him despise her easie fond­ness, and as much desire another. Others are a long time before they grow warm, but being once en­flam'd, they spare for no Cost: Jea­lousie makes him clutch his Fists, where he misses his Aim he returns Contempt: Enjoyment causes him to grow cold. Some pretend a world of Kindness, others dissem­ble and conceal their Flames to be more belov'd then they are: and some can love without being [Page 51] jealous: some are for a jo [...]und Humor, not regarding Beauty; others love a mild, others a Con­fident Behaviour. Some by spen­ding their time altogether in the sport of Love; others tho late, and when they have spent their whole Estates, come to their Sen­ses again. With such variety of Passions does Bettyland-Love tran­sport the Minds of her Inhabi­tants.

The Shepherds and Shepher­desses are also very great Lyers generally throughout the whole Territory of Betty-land, for they make no more of an Oath, a Vow, or a Protestation, than a Sussex [...]umpkin does of a pudding-Cake in a morning for his Breakfast. They are used in the Sieges of Betty-land Love to blow up the fortresses of Chastity, like barrels of Powder in Mines: if the Female have the handling of them, you shall [...]ee a [Page 52] foolish Husbandmans Guinneys fly in the Air like Opdam and his ships-Company.

As for Matrimony, the true Natives of Betty-land neither Male nor Female do admire it; for the old Sages of the Country say,

And indeed the Fetters of Ce­remony are utterly disagreeable to the frank humor of the Inha­bitants of this Country, for they being a less sort of People, reject all Laws of Convenience, when they are repugnant to their own Appetites; and falsly mistaking the instinct of Nature, for the Law of Nature, as idly cry out, that the Law of Convenience must sub­mit to the Law of Nature: ta­king the instinct or impulse of Na­ture, which is effrene and rang­ing, [Page 53] for the Law of Nature, which is curbing and restraining; which makes use of Laws of Conveni­ence, to put a Nil ultra to Exor­bitance; but like Phleggus in Vir­gil preaching in Hell with his dis­ [...] Iusti [...]iam moniti,—what does this grave Cosmographer do here tal­king to a company of hair-brain'd Mad-caps? Epicures, with Gad­b [...]s in their Tails? who follow­ing the Examples of the greatest Husbandmen and Huswi [...]es in the world, as of Hannibal at Capua, Achil­les and Briseis, Caesar and Cleopatra, Hercules & Iole, Ladislaus of Poland, Charles the VIII. & thousands more, will be never induc'd to believe that so famous and so many Husband­men could err, nor ever be per­swaded to swerve from manifold Examples, epecially ‘Magnis cum subeant animos au­toribus.’

And therefore a great Author [Page 54] speaking of the chiefest Husband­men in Betty-land, casts a Sardo­nish Smile upon all those that should endeavour to work a Re­formation in that Country, ac­compting it as ridiculous a Labor, as for Quakers to attempt to Con­vert the Pope, for saith he— ‘Tam levia habentur a Pudeos ma­trimonii jura, ut prae libito ve­ras uxores repudiant, mutent at­que permutent, filias filiasque tot Nuptiis copulant & recopu­lant, ut nescire rogamur ubi ve­rum cohaereat illorum Matrimo­nium.’

However they want not a good Excuse, and say that where Na­ture is lac'd too strait with the Bo­dise of Convenience, she ought not to be put into [...]its, for want of a little Liberty. And that many times occasion requires that the [Page 55] Law should be cut, rather than leisurely undone. That the strict­ness of the Law of Convenience begets a haughty Usurpation of the meaner Sex over their Superi­ors, which is more repugnant than any Convenience can be agreea­ble to the Law of Nature: That there is no better way for the hus­bandmen of Betty-land to curb that Usurpation, then to show their Usurpers how far they can expand their Favors. As for that thing call'd Equality, the Hus­bandmen of Betty land spurn it under their feet, and call him Boc­ [...]a de porco, that first made men­tion of it: for say they, if you weigh in a just Ballance▪ the Majesty of Masculine Form, the Latitude of his Understanding, the Preheminence of his Origi­nal, the Power of his Actual Pro­tection, with the Chiefest Perfecti­ons of the Female Sex; what will [Page 56] become of that hen-peckt En [...]o­mium of Equality? They add far­ther, That Agrippa for his Treatise de praecellentia foeminei sexus ought to have made as publick a Recantation, as he does for his Books of Occult Philosophy. If their Admirers object the incomparable Fabrica­ture of that particular part where human Off-spring is concern'd, 'tis no more then if you should [...]dmire that most curious piece of Natures workmanship, the head of a Fly, which is all the while but the head of a Fly.

Thus you see Opinions were always at war one with another, and it is only the Clue of under­standing, that must lead you through the vast Labyrinths of national Customs. The native Shepherdesses of Betty-land desire vehemently, Love but indifferently and very unconstantly: yet whe­ther they Love, or whether they [Page 57] hate, they will dissemble with the most politick Shepherd that ever was known in all Arcadia. But where they do Love out of Affection (which is very seldome) they will venture through fire and water: I have known, said Eumolphus, when a Shepherd has been cast into Pri­son for a Crime that deserved Death; his Partner Shepher­dess has workt his Escape, and been condemn'd in his stead, as the Law in some part of Betty-land re­quires. Their Tongues are the most certain Evidence of perpe­tual motion, if a thing may be said to move that never lies still: and the subjects of their Discourse, the highest Secrets in nature. Such are the Mysteries of combing and shading Hair, of Washes for their Faces, large Comments upon new Gowns; Censures upon one ano­thers Dressing and Behaviour: Punctilio's of Ceremonies when [Page 58] to give the Lip, when the Cheek, descants upon the warmth or cold­ness of their Shepherds Affecti­ons: when they grow old, then they'l spend their time in telling how handsome they were when they were young. How many A­mintases courted them, and how many poor Shepherds broke their Hearts for them: but if a Shep­herd displease them, they will sing him such Cromatique descant, will make his Ears tingle; they will ring him such peals that he had better sit in a Steeple with the noise of six Bells about his Ears: but on the other side, they are very good natur'd, for if you do but now and then, that is, once in a month▪ or so give them a fine Gown, a rich Petticoat, a rich Looking-Glass, a rich set of Chairs, or any such Bauble▪ you shall win their very Hearts: give them but a Neck-Lace of Pearl, and look how [Page 59] many Pearls there be upon the string, they shall give you so many kisses for them; which is a great sign of a tender Disposition. They have an excellent Art of making of Horns, at which they are very industrious, so that many of them get very good Livings by it; And as for Astrology, there's none of your Bookers, or Lillies could e­ver come near them; for they'l tell a Shepherd his fortune to [...] hairs breadth: to which purpose they will lye an hour together sometimes upon their backs, con­sidering the motions of the Stars. Many of your Betty-land Shep­herdesses are deeply Learn'd, for having nothing else to do as they sit upon the Plains, they are always reading Cassandra, Ibrahim Bassa, Grand Cyrus, Amadis de Gaule, Hero and Leander, the School of Venu [...], and the rest of these clas­sick Authors; by which they are [Page 60] mightily improv'd both in Practice and Discourse. Put them to their shifts and they are the be [...]t in the world at an Intreague or stratagem. Ah! says the poor Soldier in Petro­nius that had neglected his Duty, to comfort a poor Shepherdess that had been bewailing the death of her dear Melibeus for three weeks together: Here while I have been spending my time to comfort thee the most distressed Shepherdess in the world, they have stole the Cri­minal from the Cross whom I was set to watch, and now must I be Crucified for him: But she reliev'd him presently. Rather than so, quoth she with tears in her Eyes, here take my poor beloved Shepherd and hang him up in the others place, death makes no distinction of fa­ces. No less witty was the Shep­herdess in Boccace, who loving a Shepherd, yet knowing not how to let him understand it, went to [Page 61] one of the Priests of Pan, telling him it was his Duty to rebuke such Shepherds as should attempt the Chastity of any Shepherdesses in Arcadia, Look here, quoth she, such a Shepherd sent me this Purse of Gold, but I defie him and his Gold; call him Father and school him severely. The poor Priest did so, the cunning Shepherd smel­ing the Rat smiled to himself, but outwardly promis'd to d [...]sist, when the Shepherdess next day comes again and tells the Paiest, She won­dred he would be so neglectful in his Duty: Why, quoth the Priest, I call'd him, chid him, and he pro­mised never more to Molest your quiet. Alas, quoth she, but the last night, he got in o're the Garden, climbes a Fig Tree that grows under my Window, and had got into my Chamber had I not happily espy'd him and shut the Casement. The Shepherd was call'd again, rebuk't [Page 62] and chid, but you may easily guess at the end of his sorrow: but you must not think I have a Lords Estate to buy paper enough to set down all the Stratagems, Devices and Wiles of the S [...]epherdesses in Betty-land: And therefore you must apply your self to the Learn­ing of that Country, and when you have read nothing else for 5 years together, then if demanded you may perhaps be able to give an Account thereof.

The young Shepherdesses of Betty-land are very studious in Net-work, Vulcan's Net was a piece of Bot [...]hery to their Art▪ They are made of Glances, Smiles, and the curling Hair of their own Locks so delicately twisted toge­ther, that all the Skill of Ar [...]ch [...]e cannot compare with them: Of these Net-makers the Farmer Ho­mer makes mention in his Book of [Page 63] Betty-land Agriculture call'd the Iliads.

The first Net-makers in the world were Venus among the Gods, and Pandora upon Earth, who tho they were no Nuns▪ yet their [Page 64] workmanship for Curiosity and Fineness was far beyond any thi [...]g that ever was made in any Nun­nery through the whole Empire of Betty-land. That Box of hers had such a confounded company of Trinkets in it, that the wo [...]ld had better have wanted fire, and never tasted Rostmeat, then to be so punisht as it has been, for Prometheus stealing only a few lighted Charcoal out of Iove's Kitchin (shame for his weak sto­mach that could not eat raw Vi­ctuals.) For the poor Farmers in Betty-land have rued the price of hot Ca [...]dles ever since. But there are a sort of elderly Shepherdess [...]s in this Country, which in the Spa­nish part of Bettyland are called Maquerela's, that with a force ir­resistible carry all before them. Their proceedings are Militant, for they Besiege, Assault, Batter, Mine, and Countermine, and as [Page 65] if Victory were Entail'd upon them, they never fail of Success: Inso­much that their continual Con­quests gave occasion to the Hus­bandmen of Greek Bettyland to [...]ffirm that Cupid had rob'd all the Gods of their Arms.

The most Renowned of these Elderly Shepherdesses was Y [...]leped Hecate, who after the Mode of later times (for Fashions like the Spheres have their Circular Mo­tions) had always a kennel of lap-Dogs at her Tail—

Such is the Efficacy of their Charms, so much Courage in one of their Pos [...]e [...]s, so much warmth in one of their Jellies; such the force of their Perswasion, that had Vlys­ses met with one of these Betty-land Shepherdesses of the right stamp, his poor Shepherdess Pene­lope might have spun more sheets in Expectation of him, than ever she was like to make use of. Thus therefore that subtle Man Ovid describes them,

They appear in all Colours like Cameleons, in all shapes like she- Proteus's; not that you are to [Page 69] think that these are of that sort of Shepherdesses, which the Hu [...] ­bandman Homer calls Syrens, but of a far more queint and curious Ingenuity: for those Syrens seem [...] be a poor kind of Shepherdesses, like those that were wont to haunt the Plains of Lutiners-Lane and Cole- Yard, by their ordinary lan­guage and impudent beckning to Vlysses as he passed by their doors, who can otherwise expound the place?

As these words were translated, in comes Eumolpus, views them, and swears there could be no o­ther Interpretation of the words. To make it out, I will give you a description of these Syre [...]s and their Habitations, which exceed the number of all others in Betty-land, by the progress and experience of my own Travels: when I was ve [...]y young, quoth Eumolpus, I fell into the acquaintance of Eucolpius, and Trimaley, Husbandmen of la [...]ge Experience, and who had been great Travellers in the Country of Betty-land, g [...]owing familiar as one that had received— Istum telis Ve­neris.

It was not long e're I discovered to them the great desire I had to [Page 71] know the Country of Betty-land, of which I had heard and read so much. They asked me what sub­stance my friends had left me to bear Expences, for the Journey would be tedious and chargeable. I bid them take no care for that, for I had Lands to [...]ell, and as long as that lasted there would be no want; telling them withal, that Knowledge is better than fine Gold. Then, replyed Eucolpius, the place where we now are, is one of the most remarkable Cities in all Betty-land, and therefore dear Eumolpus, rest thy self assu­red of the best Assistance I can be­friend thee with: so in the depth of the Winter-quarter within an hour after day-light shut in we set for­ward. To remember the several by-ways and turnings through which we went, it is as impossible as for a man to remember thing [...] done before he was born, at length [Page 72] we came to a good large Habita­tion, which seemed like an en­chanted Castle: for tho we under­stood that there were many of the Inhabitants of Betty-land in the house, yet there was as a deep silence as in a Temple. We were no soon­er entred (for the doors of these houses are seldom shut, as being haunted with a continual sort of Strangers) but there appeared to us a young Syren, which put us in mind of that Verse in Ovid, Monstra maris Syrenes erant. The Syrens were strange Monsters bred out of the froth of the Sea, or rather Monste [...]s of the Sea,

She was as black as a Lobster before 'tis boil'd, and instead of hands had much such kind of Claws, and her head lookt like a Gorgons Per [...]iwig with Snakes, she lookt as [Page 73] if she had been eaten and spew'd up again, or as if she had been one of those upon whom the Ve­nifices of Betty-land were wont to try their Potions; and yet she had the confidence to invite us to drink of her Cups. Eumolpus did not much mind her Courtesie, but askt Eucolpius whether that were not the Cumaean Witch that accompanied Aeneas through Hell: How, reply'd Eucolpius, does she look old enough to be a Sybil? yet there are some of the poor labouring Mechanick Inhabitants of Betty-land, will be glad of [...] worse than that Syren. With that calling her by her name, Quar­tilla, said he, where is Thelxinoe? for so was the old Syren called. She knew his Voice, and streit appears the Great— Bellua Leinae —Horrendum stridens.

A ruinous piece of Antiquity with a Voice as hoarse as if her throat [Page 74] had been lin'd with Seal Skins: she had as much flesh below her Chin, as would have serv'd to have made another Face: she was pufft up like a shoulder of Veal blown up with a Tobacco-Pipe, yet was her Language as soft as Lambs-Wool to Eucolpius, who enquir'd of her, where such and such Sy­rens were, and how they did: shall I send for such a one, quoth she? do, cries Eucolpius, Fly, then cry'd Thelxinoe, to the deform'd Syren that first admitted us, and bid Sylvagia appear, hast her hi­ther. All this while, said Eumol­pus, we were in the common-Room, which put him in mind of that description of the Syrens habita­tion in Virgil,

But when the little Syren, said he (continuing his relation) was gone forth, Thelxinoe carried us into her own Apartment, a place not very illustriously accoutred, nor yet over meanly set forth. There hung against the wall a good fair Looking-Glass, and in the window were to be seen two dir­ty Combs▪ the most peculiar Uten­sils belonging to a Syren. The Bed (which was the best thing in the Room, as being a piece of Furniture of which they make the greatest use in Betty-land,) lay as if it had b [...]n but lately tumbled, which Eucolpius perceiving, quoth he, smiling upon Thelxinoe, who was here last? There, quoth she, who dost think, but my Vlysses and I? your [Page 76] Vlysses quoth he, who's that? for Eucolpius knew that she had had no Husbandman to manure her ground for many years together, only day-Labourers that wrought at so much an hour. But she to stop Eucolpius's mouth, in a great rage demanded of him what sort of Liquor he would have, and immediately fetcht in half a dozen Bottles of Stepony, a most bewitch­ing Juice, which as soon as the Bot­tles were loose, flew up with so much violence against the Ceeling, as if they had bid defiance to the Clouds, such a shower of spirited water rain'd upward against the course of nature: so that a whole Bottle scarce yielded enough to wet the bottom of a Glass, yet would the Syren not ba [...]e a far­thing of her price, which was a round shilling for every Bottle. After that she brought in six more Bottles, which behav'd them­selves [Page 77] after the same rude manner▪ Eucolpius who well knew the Ef­fects of the Syrens Charms, call'd for the tamer Juice of Barley, over which, said Eucolpius, after we had continued till it was very late, en­chanted with the pleasant Dis­courses of the Syrens, on a sudden we heard a great noise in the room over head as if the Sky had been falling. Two Shepherds of Betty-land belike had been there for several hours together, with each two Syrens in the [...] Company, where they had drank so long of the Syrens bewitching Liquor, that they were ev'n almost [...] into swine. Then, said Eumolpius, I be­gan to call to mind those other Lines of Virgil.

For like to this, cry'd Eucolpius, was the noise which we heard a­bove stairs: the Syrens squeak'd and cry'd out murder, and help, and help, and murder. The Shep­herds ranted and tore, seeing that they had lost their Mony, and that the Syrens had bewitched it out of their Pockets. In this hurly burly [...]p runs Thelxinoe with all her Spells, when we, said Eumolpus, seeing so fair an opportunity, and considering the charge of our stay, [Page 79] took an occasion to march out of doors, and quit our selves of our extravagant Expence: but Eumol­pus whose blood was up, not being willing to give over the Chase of what he [...] out with so much eagerness to hunt for, desir'd Eu­colpius to bear him Company, in the search of some other Adven­ture. It was now late, cold and a hard Frost, but these hardships were easily over come by the bright­ness of Cynthia's Beams, that made the night almost as clear as day. Being thus therefore got safe from Thelx­inoe's Habitation, Eucolpius thought it convenient to steer his Course a quite contrary way: nor had we gone far, when in the midst of the street cry'd Eucolpius, look yo [...] ­der, where that Silvadgia whom we sent for so long since comes now to m [...]et us: have at her by guess, quoth Eumolpus, and so ac­costing her, Whither so fast, quoth [Page 80] he, fair Nymph? there needed not many Complements, Eumolpus takes her by one Hand, and Eu­colpius by the other, and so said Eumolpus, we march'd hand in hand in a full rank for a while uninter­rupted. But Oh the fickle state of fortune sbeing come to the cor­ner of one street, who should pop upon us undiscover'd from the cor­ner of the next turning, but one of the Princes of that night with all his Bilboe's? It was time to let go the hold of prohibited goods, so near a strict Examination. Sil­vadgia that like a Mouse knew e­very hole and cranny thereabouts, so suddenly got out of sight, that she seem'd rather to vanish than fly, but said Eumolpus, Eucolpius and I were forc'd to stand the brunt. The Nocturnal Prince had he been Pluto himself, could not have pre­tended more Majesty

We finding our selves in the clutch­es of such a Cerberus, who was still threatning [...]o shew us the full Ex­tent of his Power▪ and to send us to the house of Radamanthus, of which houses there are many in Betty-land, or else there would be no living.

Upon these Considerations it was thought fit to use gentle means and Sugar-Sops, for Eumolpus had learnt that there was nothing so [Page 83] frequently us'd as sweet Wine in the Sacrifices accustomed to the Furies, according to that of Calli­machus.

By the practice of which In­struction, said Eumolpus, we that were just going to the Pound▪ were at the intercession of those dulcified Sons of Horror (one of whom swore to the deep pit of Darkness that he knew Eucolpius, and knew him to be a very Civil Gentleman, when tho he had ne­ver seen him in his life) with an Extortion of much Acknowledg­ment for so great a favor, let at li­berty. This storm was no sooner [Page 84] over, but the hazard was forgot, and a new Ramble concluded on; at length under the Conduct of Eucolpius we came both into a by-Street, but there was such a ge­neral silence in the Habitations of the Syrens, as if all the lower world had been listning after news in the upper. O quoth Eucolpius! the Inhabitants of these parts are as laborious Husbandmen as any be in Betty-land: They work day and night, and therefore no won­der they sleep so fast now they are at it. At length coming to a certain Habitation, where the sta­ple of the door was not driven close to the wall, Eumolpus made a shift to get in his hand and put back the Lock, we were no soon­er entred and began to extol the kindness of Fortune, but the ve­ry same way-Wood of the night that had prosecuted us before, fol­low'd us close at the heels, and [Page 85] seeing us lawful prize, began to give order for a second seizure: But Eucolpius knowing the danger of a second Attachment, bidding Eumolpus follow his example with his Sword in his hand, being well seconded by Eumolpus, soon for­ced a way through the slender Op­position of those decrepit Mirmy­dons, and being got without the reach of their rusty Weapons they never slackned their paces, which was a good swift Career, till they were got out of the Dominions of that nocturnal Bugbear. By and by making a halt to take both breath and advise together, now, said Eucolpius, let us return to the sam [...] place from whence we last came: for this Lord of Mis-rule having now gone his Rounds, [...]nd made his visits of Enquiry, will be sure to come no more there. For a right bred Syren has a way of Charming these Officers of Justice [Page 86] and keeping them from wandering at all hours, and to say truth, there are few of these nocturnal Cerberus's that will bark at a Sy­rens Habitation, unless he be very hungry indeed, and have not been fed for a great while. With this Resolution, said Eumolpus, we tackt about, and ski [...]ting through a lit­tle spot of Betty-land called Lin­colns- Inn-fields, we observed almost at every Gate of those wealthy Husbandmens Habitations, a poor labouring man, and a servant Shep­herdess talking together. They were generally very serious and private in their Discourse, tho it were now near two of the Clock in the morning, but by what we over-heard, Betty-land- Love was the main thing they drove at, for sometimes we could hear the Shep­herdess cry Sunday in the after­noon; by and by the poor labou­rer protested the reality of his Af­fection: [Page 87] another was telling a long story of the Transactions in that habitation; another was complain­ing that her Farm had been Tilled and Manured; that Harvest was at hand, and therefore desired the poor labourer to take some care where to inn the Crop. And ano­ther was delivering to her friends Candles, cold Meat, and other bundles of stuff, which she had purloyned and made up, in as lit­tle room as might be; bidding her friend be sure to return by such a night again: certainly, said Eu­molpus to Eucolpius, these husband­men live here in very great secu­rity, that they let their Gates stand open in such a desert place as this: O reply'd Eucolpius! these Hus­bandmen tho they be rich, yet they have so many thieves within doors, that they never fear those without: for they within doors will preserve their Masters sub­stance [Page 88] from those without, that it may fall into their own hands. Having observ'd these passages we jog'd on, meeting none upon the Road, but now and then one, now and then a couple of rude labour­ing fellows with stout Cudgels in their hands, looking as if they would eat us. These were the very dregs of all Betty-land [...]hat take the greatest pains, and run through the greatest hazards in the world to maintain themselves in Idleness. Coming to the Sy­rens Habitation we unlockt the Gate as we had done before, and then barring it again, went direct­ly into a Room where there was a small fire, but no other light, nor any sound of any thing living in all the Habitation: down sate Eucolpius, down sate Eumolpus, right against the door of the room expecting what would happen, when on a sudden we heard 3 or 4 [Page 89] Syrens laughing and toying toge­ther to make toward the back-door of the Habitation. The fore­most poping into the Room, and seeing the glittering of Eumolpus's Coat (which was richly lac't) by the re [...]lection of the fire, flew back again ready to break her Neck, crying out, the Devil, the Devil, but Eumolpus compassionately fol­lowing her, and gently bespeak­ing her soon rid her of fears, lead­ing her by the hand into the room, whom the rest of the Syrens fol­lowed. We call'd for more fire and Lamps that we might see one another, and after that for such Liquors as the Habitation would afford: As for the Syrens them­selves, they were not the most A­miable that ever were seen, which made us mind our Liquor rather than any other of their Tempta­tions. Their Voices were none of the sweetest, yet for a forc't put [Page 90] they might have serv'd, had we not been kept waking by another Acci­dent. For in the height of our mirth in comes an ordinary Betty-land Far­mer, who by his Familiarity seem'd to claim a kind of propriety in the whole Habitation: we saw he would be one of the Compa­ny, and therefore we invited him. He had taken a large doze of the Syrens Charms, which made his Tongue as nimble as a new oyl'd Jack: Between Eucolpius and him past many Discourses, among the rest, there was one Question sta­ted by the Farmer, Whether if one Farmer should rob another, it were better to bind him, or kill him to prevent discovery? Hea­ven protect us! cry'd Eumolpus to himself, if this be the Country of Betty-land, surely, quoth he, the people thereof are meer Salvages, however the Argument went on. Eucolpius who when he began to [Page 91] be intoxicated with the Syrens Liquor was very devout, being for Mercy, the Farmer all for Mur­der, this made Eumolpus stand upon his Guard and to have a vi­gilant Eye upon the Syrens, and to hasten the complete Charming of the Farmer, which was at length so effectually perform'd by Eucol­pius and Eumolpus together, that he fell into a profound sleep: in which condition after he had lain a while, he was at length rouz'd by the Syrens and hurried to his Sty like a Swine: After his de­parture the Syrens vanished, and Eumolpus and Eucolpius remain'd alone, who early in the morning leaving the Gates of the Habita­tion open, and the Syrens fast a­sleep, went their ways to seek out more secure [...]efreshments. Thus you see the meaner sort of the Inhabitants of Betty-land, are a very wicked sort of people, [Page 92] being no great admirers of Law or Government: for all Pleasure is expensive, and they wanting the support of Extravagance, will of­tentimes in their necessity take it by violence from one another, sometimes in the street, sometimes in the high-way; nay, sometimes they will enter one anothers Ca­stles by main force, and rifle, and what they get they spend all up­on their Syrens with whom they live in a kind of Community. I remember, said Eucolpius, a Hus­bandman in Betty-land that had his Castle entred, and much of his substance taken away; who thereupon resolving to go in pur­suit of the Labourer that had so spoiled him [...]f his goods, sent for me to assist him: we for our better security took with us one of the great Rulers of the night, and with him a certain day-La­bourer, who pretends to know [Page 93] all the habitations of the Syrens. The more to be wondred at, as being in one of the greatest Cities in all Betty-land, and thus accompa­nied we began our progress one night in the most dead time of all; I dare say, said Eucolpius, we en­tred above a hundred several Ha­bitations of a hundred several Sy­rens, taking a view of every room in every one of them, where it was not a little pleasant to see what feat kind of Enormities night conceals. We found the Hus­bandmen and the Syrens generally in bed and asleep together, for the hardness of their Labour made them sleep without Opiates: In some Beds 3 Syrens and one Hus­bandman, in another place 3 Hus­bandmen and one Syren; at a­nother Habitation one Husband­man and 2 Syrens, in another 2 Husbandmen and one Syren, in another two Husbandmen and [Page 94] two Syrens all together: in ano­ther 3 Syrens and two Husbandmen, in another 3 Husbandmen and two Syrens. Eucolpius that had never seen so strange a mixture of Fami­liarity before, began to doubt whe­ther this were not some Art of So­lon's Common-Wealth, for, said he, there was as much Athenian Li­berty as ever that great Law-giver could possibly allow. The day-Labourer who was with us, whe­ther he knew them all or no, I can­not tell, said Eucolpius, but he pre­tended to do so, and pulling a­side the head-Geer of one, and the hair of another: quoth he, this is Dol such a one, and this is Kate such a one, and this is Nan such a one: as if he had been show­ing us the Tombs at Westminster with a white staff in his hand. And I believe had the night been a week lo [...]g, we had had variety of these O [...]j [...]cts. Eucolpius when he came [Page 95] home told Eumolpus of his Adven­ture, who lamented nothing more than his misfortune of missing Eu­colpius's Company; that night however it made him restless for new discoveries, which they resol­ved to prosecute the night fol­lowing. The Sun had now with­drawn himself and it was within an hour of night when Eucolpius and I, said Eumolpus, entring into one of the Gaming-Houses of the Syrens, went up into a private A­partment, calling to the chief Sy­ren to bring us a Bowl of her most charming Liquor; she that brought it was no sooner sate down by us, but she began to talk of these Persons who were the Chiefest Husbandmen in Betty-land in their time, at so familiar rate that we wondred how she came by so great an Acquaintance among the Nobler sort of Husbandmen, be­ing such an ordinary Syren her [Page 96] self: for she can divison upon their Descents and Pedigrees, as if she had been bred in the College of Heralds. While we were thus taken up with Enchantments of her Discourse, a strange lumbring noise invaded our Ears f [...]om the stairs which led into our Apartment: The Syren when she heard it, flew out of the Room with the swiftness of a shooting-Star, clapping the door fast after her: But we, said Eumol­pus, big with Curiosity had a long­ing desire to know the reason of so much Clutter. By and by, peeping through the door, we perceived an old Farmer of Bet­ty-land coming up upon four Legs two Natural and two Artificial (a pair of wooden Crutches) with which he did so knock and bepestle the Boards, that a Horse with 4 Iron shooes would have been thought to have walkt up­on Velvet after him, so weak and [Page 97] so decrepit, so old, so worn out with the Labor of [...]hat Country, that no greater pain could be i­magined, than the pain which he seemed to endure in his Engine-like [...] motion: with much ado at length he got to the inside of a Table, and sate him down with his back against the Wainscot, opposite to the Chimny: Surely, said Eumolpus, were the seven Wise Men of Greece now alive, it would puzzle their Understanding to know the strange and hidden de­ [...]ire of this old Farmer. I war­rant, quoth Eucolpius, this old Far­mer had been an industrious work­man in his time, and now to see a fertil spot of ground, to behold a pleasing Prospect, is as delight­ful to him as the Tillage it self was formerly. Age unfit for Action will delight it self in the Memory of what in Youth it has pe [...]form'd, whether we were addicted to Acts [Page 98] of Honesty or of Villany, Repe­tition sooths the Fancy, and dan­dles it with the remembrance of what a drooping performer has done: so setling to our peeping Crannies, we observed a young Syren come into the Room with two sable Pots of Enchanting Li­quor in her hands, which she set down before him. The old Far­mer drank not so lamely as he went, but freely; and made the Syren quaff her own Liquor as freely as himself: she had a Brow as black as a new Beaver, and her Cheeks were as ruddy as the Ver­milion [...] Edges of a new Book. In a short while betaking her self to the Chimny, she stood bolt up­right, and having the Signal gi­ven, (as they draw the Curtain up from before the Scenes of a Thea­ter) she drew the Curtain gently up that was before it, and show­ed the Prospect of a very fair [Page 99] Garden-plot of Maiden-hair, not green as in other Countries, but growing like a kind of black Fern, or rather a spot of Ground look­ing like a sieve of black Cherries, [...]overed over with the tops of rus­set Fennel. The Fields about were imbroidered over with white Da­sies and yellow Pissabeds: but the old Farmer who neither cared for Innocency, and had been suffici­ently plagued with Jealousie, and consequently could endure nei­ther of those Colours, caused her to d [...]ub her hands with the Soot of the Chimny, to dissigure the whole prospect of those more pleasant Co­lours, not permitting her to leave a­ny thing but what was black with­in the Horizon of his View. Then he pleased his aged Eyes with be­holding the whole, commending what he thought fit to be com­mended, and reading a Lecture of Betty-land Husbandry, over e­very [Page 100] part, till satiated with the Prospect and his Discourse, the Curtain again was let down, and the Syren sent away for more En­chanting Liquor to requite her kindness▪ certainly, said Eumolpus, the Fancy of this Farmer was the most Ext [...]avagant that was ever known. There is some Reason for it, said Eucolpius, for Betty-land Love as it ent [...]ed first into the Eye, so at last goes out of the Eye. The Eye is the Charriot wherein the Fancy Rides, surveying past contents, and if that be strong and juvenile, it will imploy the Body in something of its former con­cerns, how impotent, how unwield­ly soever: for Reason, you must know, is not at all permitted to be so much as named in Betty-land, where it is Death to make use of it: And where the Husbandmen and Huswifes are guided only by [Page 101] Passion, and follow only the per­swasions of Appetite.

Again, as there is no Reason, so there is no Wisdom in Betty-land: they seldom hear of it from one end of the Country to the o­ther [...] or if they chance to hear the least sound of it, they count it as fatal as the Romans did to hear▪ the Ravens croak upon the left hand: like the young People of Betty-land, that when the Bells ring to the Temple, run to the Syrens Habitations at Islington, be­lieving that the Bells are hung in the City to ring them into the Coun­try. Should this Farmer have been so impotent again, he would not have been a Rush the wiser, and therefore 'tis no wonder his pre­dominating Superiors direct and govern him as they please them­selves. Eucolpius having thus said, Eumolpus and he took their way towards a small part of Betty-land, [Page 102] near the Temple of St. Buttolphs-Aldgate, where upon the first call, he was let into a f [...]ir Habitation belonging to one of those Elder­ly Syrens called Maquerelas. The Apartments were fair and well a­dorn'd, through one of which, as we passed, said Eumolpus, we saw a Table spread and furnished as if it had been for the Supper of Tri­malcio in Petronius: being come into our own Retirement, we askt the Syren, what Vlysses was to be Entertain'd there that night? she answered with a Smile, but told Eucolpius more familiarly, that we should have a sight of the pastime in due season, [...]eeing there was none but himself and one whom she saw to be his peculiar Friend; tho with a most [...]olemn Proviso of Secrecy enjoyn'd. In the mean time, we call'd for a Syren or two, which were immediately call'd up, Charming enough; we had no [Page 103] sooner drank a Cup or two of the Syrens Liquo [...]s, but one of them began to fall into the re­hearsal of her Misfortunes, that she was the Daughter of one of the Priests of Pan (for the most common Huswives of Betty-land [...]eign themselves to be either the Daughters, Sisters, or Huswifes of the Priests of Pan, thereby to gain the greater pity of their Suf­ferings:) that she had been dri­ven out of doors by the Shepherd, whom of all others in the Country she lov'd most intirely. The other cursed a noble Husbandman of Bet­ty-land, for being untrue to her; or else—for a deep Sigh sti [...]led the rest, but both of them concluded in, What would you give them? That they were no common Sy­rens, but seeing us Civil Shep­herds, if we pleased to come to their Habitations, we should not find them to be Mercenary. But offe [...] [Page 104] offer to lay your Lips to theirs, they were presently according to the Fashion of the Country, beg­ging either for Scarfs, or Gloves, though at the same time they brag­ged of Wardrobes richer than those of Lucullus: We that be­liev'd not a word they said, easily condol'd with them, and promi­sed Mountains; for there is no­thing more practicable in Betty-land than lying and dissembling, Two gifts that a Husbandman of that Country can no more be with­out, than without his Plow. In fine, these two Syrens were [...]orced to leave us, being called away by the Syren Government, for it ap­pear'd that the Shepherd was entred, at whose Devotion the Habitation and all within it were, being at all the Expence for his peculiar Fancy; by and by, the Alarm of an un­couth noise, called us to our peep­ing-holes of Observation; from [Page 105] whence we discovered in the great corner Room, where we saw the Table spread as we first came a­long, a very fair Collation of Cost­ly Viands, the most part Fowl. About the Table sate some half a dozen Brisk Syrens, sitting almost as they were pictured (saving that they had other Instruments to use than Combs and Looking-Glasses) for their lower parts were hid by the Table, as they had been under water; but from the Wast upward, they were to be seen quite naked, as in vulgar Signs. All this while we missed the Shepherd, and won­dred he should neglect the sight of such fair Prospects as these were, but by and by we discovered him by the noise he made under the Table upon all four, picking up the Bones which the Syrens threw down, yelping and snarling like an Izeland Cur, and biting at the Legs and Shins of that Syren which [Page 106] threw him down his desired Food. This violent humor continued all along the time of Supper, said Eu­molpus, to his Astonishment, which made him think the Mysteries of I­sis to be a Bauble, and the carry­ing Betty-land Ploughs in publick Procession upon sticks by the Fe­male Bacchides, to be a May-Game: and yet they appear'd to be alto­gether, but a kind of family Bet­ty-land -Love, (and there are few Families without a Cur) for there was no more harm done, but after Supper every Syren seem'd to va­nish as they pleased themselves: Look ye, said Eucolpius, now you have beheld something more strange than what you saw before. Certainly, said Eumolpus, the Gods that only smil'd to see Mars and Venus so entangled as they did, would have laugh'd themselves out of their Immortality, to have seen this Extravagant Divertisement. [Page 107] Think you, said Eucolpius, this Shepherd can give any Reason for this? Surely no other, reply'd Eumolpus, than that of the Poet:

From thence at a later hour, said Eumolpus, we passed to see the Publick Academies and Shools of the Country, where we found them altogether for Justing, and Turnaments, and Running of the Ring: but in this particular, as captious one among another, as Church-Wardens-Wives; for it not being the Custom of the Country, for Shepherds to Just one with a­nother, but only Shepherds with Shepherdesses, and Shepherdesses with Shepherds: the Shepherds will never Just unless the Shep­herdesses will provide Rings, nor the Shepherdesses can ever be brought to run a-Tilt, unless the Shepherds provide Launces. How­ever if the Parties stand upon it, there seldom happens any great Quarrel about that Punctilio. [Page 109] These Academies stand open all night long, and there are some so accustomed to these Exercises, that they will hit the Ma [...]k as well by night as by day. They had in these Academies other so [...]ts of Games, at which they play'd long, as In and In, amd All Fours, but one thing we never perceiv'd be­fore, that when they went to play at Ruff, they put out all the Honors.

The Noble sort of Syrens are of a Disposition very various f [...]om these, for they being better stockt with Wealth, carry on higher De­signs, which they will bring about what ever it cost them, or perish in the Enterprise: They are very subtle, and not only make use of all sorts of Deceits and Stratagems already discovered, but add daily of their own. They are very much addicted to Enchantments, and very skilful in making Amorous Medicaments. They that would [Page 110] understand the Nature of these Shepherdesses, may read the Sto­ries of Messaline, whom there was none that exceeded in all the Country of Betty-land; of Lunia and Lucilla, who both Enchant­ed their own Shepherds to death▪ for the desire of others whom they lov'd better: Semiramis out of a desire of Empire, and for the Love of her own Son, caus'd her Husbandman to be slain: How dear the mistake of Guc [...]ovir (when her Husband tickled her in the Neck with his Riding-Rod) cost the poor King for his acciden­tal Discovery, is not unknown to them that have been conversant in the Saxon parts of Betty-land. The Cruelty of Ione of Naples, the cunning Stratagems of Don Olym­pia, and the Intreagues of Don Christiana, are still fresh in Memo­ry. Nor had the Druyd Reynall found such copious matter to com­pile [Page 111] his Book of Celestial Revenge, had it not been for the Effects of Betty-land-Love. The Nature of which is so strange, that it shall in the view of the same Horizon on this side the Hedge shower down nothing but Malice, Ha­tred, and dismal Contrivances: while on the other side the Hedge, at the same time you shall perceive nothing but the Sun-shine of Sweet­ness and Caresses.

The Country of Betty-land has had formerly good Benefactors, who did very much add to the Glory and Increase of its Fame. The first of those was Solon, the great Athenian Law-giver, and by the Oracle of Apollo accompted one of the Seven Wise-men of Greece, who was the first that made it his publick Care to provide Syrens for the Shepherds of that Country. The first that dedica­ted a Temple to Venus, the Uni­versal [Page 112] Goddess of Betty-land out of the Games of prostituted Sy­rens, and so great an Esteem the Grecian part of Betty-land had for those Syrens, that when Xerx­es invaded Greece, the Corinthi­an being the most polite of all the Country, were ordered to make publick Supplication for the safety of Greece; so honor'd and so Rich grew the Syrens a­mong the Ephesians, that they built several Temples in that Ci­ty. The Corinthians also gave them that Respect, that when t [...]ey were to supplicate Venus in any m [...]tter of Importance, the peculiar charge of their Prayers was committed to their Syrens. Aristotle also thought them wor­thy of Divine Honors, when he made the same Offering, and us'd the same Ceremonies to the Cy­ren Hernia, as were usually ob­serv'd to Ceres of Eleasine. Venus [Page 113] being the first Syren, was there­fore counted a Goddess, from whose Example it grew in Custom among the Cyprians, that the young Shepherdesses did always (before they stuck close to any Shepherd) prostitute themselves on the Se [...]-shore, thereby to pick up a Dowry acceptable to their peculiar Sh [...]pherds. And the Ba­byloni [...]ns by the Report of Hero­do [...]us when they had consumed their Farms, were wont to compel their Daughters to turn Syrens for the future Maintenance of them and themselves. Aspacia was a great Benefactor to Betty-land, for she filled all Greece with Syrens, and for the Love of her, and for the Injury which the Megareans did [...] in taking some of her young Syrens from her, Pericles began that fatal and lasting Peloponnesi­an War. Heliogabulus was a very great Benefactor, for he had all [Page 114] Conveniences belonging to Betty-land-Love in his own House: He gave to all the Roman Matrons that would turn Syrens, not only Im­munity, but Impunity. Caesar was so great a Benefactor, that he was called the Male for all Females: Rhodope also the great Friend and Companion of Aesop, that made the Fables, got so much Wealth by the occupation of a Syren, that she built a Pyramid accounted the third wonder of the World: And Flora left the Empire of Rome her Heir. Of later times Pope Sixtus was a very great Benefactor to Betty-land, who built a most Noble Ha­bitation for Syrens at Rome; nor are his Successors less kind, by whom they are still indulged, only paying a Iulio a week to the Church, and it is a good Subsi­stence to the Priests of Pan in that Country, to have an Allotment out of the Bordelli, to make up [Page 115] the defects of other Endowments. As for Example, A Curate-ship worth twenty Crowns. A Priory worth 40 Ducats, and 3 Syrens in the Bordelli at 20 Iulio's a week. Nor are the Venetians less munifi­cent Benefactors, from whom they have all Immunity desirable, nor are the Syrens less grateful in re­turning considerable Incomes to the Commonwealth, for they being the Bulworks of Christendom are allowed all ways imaginable to support their urgent and unavoid­able Necessities. Plato was also a great Benefactor to Betty-land, for his Laws were for a Community of Shepherdesses, among whose followers we may reckon the Ni­colaitan Hereticks, who to avoid the St [...]ipes of that Fury, Jealousie, thought it more Convenient that the Huswifes of their Country should be prostituted. Thus we see how Betty-land-Love has be­witched [Page 116] and charm'd the wisest Husbandman in all Ages. There is a strange Venom in it, and it fol­lows Success and Plenty with a strange Rage, of both which, he that is the absolute Master shall have much ado to keep out of the Tanpits of Betty-land-Love, a very great Mischief, no questi­on, in regard tha [...] the Chiefest Venuses will not permit their dearest Aeneas's to fall into, if by all the Guards of Neptune & his blew Ey'd Host they can protect them both. The Vermine which most annoy the Agriculture most us'd in Betty-land, are your Sr. Rogers, or Hypocritical Devotists, and those other p [...]stilent Animals called Nurses, Mother Midnights, and Empericks, with Skins as smooth as Beaver, but black, as that Markham of Betty-land (call'd Cornelius Agrippa) notably observes, there are few Traps or Gins that can ensnare [Page 117] them, your Sr. Rogers are so like Civet-Cats, that the Husbandmen of Betty-land cannot distinguish one from another, so that the Husbandmen let them come upon their Land, thinking to retrieve the benefit of their Odoriferous and Precious Excrements, but these Sr. Rogers being the more subtle Animals, and great lovers of sweet Herbs, do more often come upon their Land and defile it: To say truth, where these Sr. Rogers have a design of Mischief, there are no Pales, no Fences, no Hedges, no Ditches that can keep them out, no Locks, no Bolts are strong enough to bar­ricado a door against them. Nay the very Casements of the Shepherdesses hearts will fly open, if they do but give the least wink, they Charm the very Souls of the Betty-land Shepherdesses, pretending to have Radamanthus's Whip in their poc­kets, [Page 118] for the disobedient, and such a mess of Celestial Suckets in a Lawn Handcherchief for them that consent; so that the poor Creatures are forc't to yield them­selves up wholly to their disposul, besides the Reverence of their Ex­nmples, a violent Argument to batter the weak Fort of Female Reason, for most Females believe that the Priests of Pan are so Ho­ly, that they cannot err: And therefore in the Papistical. Parts of Betty-land, how many wind­falls has the Hurricane of Confes­sion blown down? you may some­times s [...]e the whole Country almost strew'd over with them, such is the heat of a well grounded Opi­nion, that it melts a Betty-land Fe­male like Wax, and then comes the Sr. Roger, and claps his Im­pr [...]ssion upon her, what Shephe [...]d can deny his Shepherdess when he asks her, and she replies, she is [Page 119] going to a Lecture? What Shep­herd can deny 40 or 50 l. at a time, when she cries 'tis to pay her Sr. Roger? This brings your Sr. Rogers to their white Caps and their Neck-Handkerchiefs, but who can avoid it? for there is no prevailing against the force of Betty-land- Love, your Mother-Midnights are like those little Vermine called Millepedes, or Hog-lice, for they will crawl from one place to another, so unwea­riedly and so swiftly upon all Occasions, that you would swear they had a thousand Legs apiece. They have such an Awe on the Spirits of the poor Shepherdesses in Betty-land, that whatever they say, the others believe with more Reverence than the Legend of the Sybils. There is such a familiar and inward Commerce of Secrecy be­tween these Mother-Midnights and Betty-land Shepherdesses, that the [Page 120] latter are easily drawn to give their Appetite a Diversion where they can trust with so much Con­fidence, not to yield were to mistrust, and to mistrust were to break off the Communion of Secrecy. And they Conjecture not amiss, that believe that many a Mother-Midnight is the more cheerfully obey'd by the Shep­herdesses of Betty-land, for the supply of secret Communication, there being as much pleasure to sit privately over a Makeroon and a Taster of Sack, repeating past de­lights with the Accidents and Ap­purtenances, as in the Enjoyment it self; for what can be nearer to Enjoyment, than to tell the very Actions, Passions, and Expressions of the Shepherd in the very Ex­tacy of Fruition so frequently dore, that unless it be done, there is not that Love and Kind­ness thought to be between each [Page 121] other? These Arcanums and My­steries of Discourse, being the Seals and Testimonies of their Friendship.

Your Empericks, tho they have smooth Skins like Beavers, yet they have cursed sharp Claws, if they cannot get over, they will dig under the Pales: and when once they are got in, they will Earth themselves like Foxes, so that there is no getting them out again. The Shepherdesses of Bet­ty-land are many times forced to trust them with very great secrets, which when they come to the knowledge of, they take the bold­ness to do what they list: These are the Caterpillers that destroy the Verdure and Beauty of Betty-land, these are the Moss and Canker that hinder the Orchards of Bet­ty-land from bearing. And be­ing admitted into the society of Secresie, destroy the Fe [...]tili [...]y of [Page 122] Betty-land, by teaching the Shep­herdesses how to shun the pains of Harvest, and yet enjoy all the full content of the Pleasure of Til­lage, the Truth whereof is con­firm'd by that wise Husbandman Lucretius,

How did that Noble Shepher­dess Livia handle her poor Shep­herd Drusus, by that villanous cunning of the Emperick Eade­mus? How did Messalina lie in Common, and bring poor Claudi­us's Farm to Ruin, by the private help of Vestius Valentius, a most snbtle Caterpiller of an Emperick? But as for Nurses and Chamber-Maids, [Page 123] they like busie Emmets or Pismires, make their Nests in all parts of the Country. They are like the Pigeons bred up in the Eastern parts of the World, to convey Intelligence to Towns be­sieg'd and forreign Countries, for do but give them an Amorous Pul­let in Charge, and they shall con­vey it through all the Ambush­ments, Snares, Traps, Gins, and Co [...]trivances laid to catch them, as if they were invisible: whose t [...]ue Use, Nature and Pro­perty, you may better see in Don Pedro de Lopez, an Inhabitant in that part of Betty land called Por­tugal, having with a curious Eye observed such Persons as he judged fitting to enjoy his Person, at length plac'd his Affection upon a Shepherdess in that Country na­med Cleandra, who was easily perswaded by his Wealth to yield her self wholly to his disposal: [Page 124] Among the rest of this Shepherds Acquaintance, was one Lysarchus, whom Cleandra no sooner saw, but she judg'd him worth to bear a part in that Kindness which she shewed her own Shepherd. Lysar­chus percieving how things stood, resolv'd with all Secrecy to manage his Affairs. De Lopez with jea­lous Eyes beheld the more than usual Familiarity between Lysar­chus and Cleandra, and resolves to find out the truth: whereupon he feign'd a Journy to some other part of the Country, pretending Oc­casions that would stay himfor some time, but returning privately the same night, found Lysarchus and Cleandra together, in the most forbidden place by Friendship in the whole World; such was the in­jur'd Shepherds Amazement then, that he would have slain them both presently, but upon the re­treat of his Passion, minding to [Page 125] give them both some time of pre­paration, wished for his Boy to fetch him one of the Priests of Pan, intending after he had fitted them to Sacrifice them both to that Deity, being the only horned God which the Poets mention.

But to the Application of the Story, this Shepherd had an old Nurse, who had been a notable Syren in her time: who hearing the Passion of De Lopez, and the Charge which he gave the Boy: Gets up, follows the Boy over the Plains, bids him go privately home to sleep, for she would fetch the Priest of Pan her self, which the Boy tyred with keeping his Ma­sters Sheep, readily obey'd; so coming to a Priest, she borrows the Habits of his Profession, re­turning she put them on, and coming back to the Shepherds Cottage, she found the Shepherd with the Instruments of Death in his [Page 126] hand, walking in a furious man­ner in the next Apartment where Lysarchus and Cleandra lay asleep. The Shepherd perceiving her en­ter, mistaking her in Disguise for the Priest, bid her go in, awake them both, and prepare them for Sacrifice. The Nurse answered him, That she would not dispute the Justice of his Revenge, only entreated him not to disturb them till her Return, so entring into the Chamber, she found the two In­habitants of Betty-land Embracing one another after the Fashion of the Country: she awaked them, and acquainted them of the Shepherds Return, what he had seen, his Fu­ry and Intention: which so sur­priz'd them, that it almost depri­ved them of their Sences. But, quoth the Nurse, hear the way that I propose both to deceive and satisfie the Shepherd. Here, quoth she, to Lysarchus, take this Habit, [Page 127] and put it on, and then you may adventure out, for the shepherd will mistake you for the Priest, which I Counterfeit. Up gets Lysarchus, while the Nurse laid her self in the same place; as he went forth the Shepherd met him, and only asked him if he had done what he was sent for? who reply'd, he had perform'd his Plea­sure: the Shepherd then entring into Cleandra's Apartment, False Shepherdess, quoth he, behold him here whom you have wronged, I hope you are sufficiently prepar'd for Sacrifice. To which, she faintly answer'd, Alas! dear shepherd, first let me know my Crime, before I receive my Punishment. Can you be Innocent, quoth he, and yet admit strange Cattle into my Enclosure? Oh dire mistake, quoth she! and then uncovering the Nurses Face, see here the strange Heiser that Grazes in your Mea­dow, [Page 128] in your Absence I only took my Nurse a-field with me to bear me Company. At these words the Shepherd stood amaz'd with Joy and Grief; with Grief, to have unjustly suspected her; with Joy, to find himself mistaken: which immediately caus'd him to Embrace her, & to promise her for the future, never to harbor an ill Thought of her. So subtle are these Betty-land Nurses in promoting and conceal­ing Bettyland- Love, and deceiving the poor Shepherds; for as they are generally very great Thieves themselves, so they ne­ver value the robbing their Ma­sters Fruit, the breaking of his Hedges, and what strange Cattle seed upon his Tillage: The peo­ple of Betty-land, especially the better sort, spend much of their time in the Fields and Gardens, which by some of the meaner Sheph [...]rds, are kept beautifi'd [Page 129] and trim'd, for the publick Re­ceipt and Entertainment of all comers. There also you may have Collations of all sorts, and several Varieties of delightful Li­quors, but so excessively dear, as if Betty-land- Love and Expence were both born Twins. And it is most certainly averred, that the Son of Neptune and Father of Orion, En­tertained three of the greatest Gods then in being, at less Charge than a Shepherd can entertain 3 Shep­herdesses in one of these Gardens. For such is the potent Virtue of Rhenish-Wine and Sugar for Com­motion, that tho the Shepherdesses rose but 2 hours before from a plentiful Meal, yet you shall see them fall upon the Junkets of these places with so much fresh Fury, and devour with so much Greediness, as if they had never eaten before, or that they were not to feed again in half a year after: To ask the price of [Page 130] anything herein this place, or to que­stion the Bill when it is brought up, is a Crime as inexpiable as the Gods to swear by Stix, and to be per­jur'd; for Betty-land is at a per­fect Antipathy with all manner of Frugality, and the Shepherdesses (like the Husbandmen of Aegypt that guess at the Fertility of the Year by the overflowing of Nile) make their chief Conject [...]res what manner of Lives they shall lead, when marryed to their Shepherds, by the overslowing Prodigality of the Shepherds Pockets in these places, so that unless a Shepherd comes very well provided into one of these Gardens, he shall find himself so intreagu'd in a Rec­koning, that instead of an Hespe­rian Garden, or the Thessaloni­an Tempe, he finds himself in one of the Labyrinths of Minos, out of which he shall not be able to find the way, till he has pawn'd [Page 131] to the owner his Faith and Ho­nor to make amends to morrow. This, if it be discovered among the Shepherdesses, into what a F [...]yer it puts the poor Shepherd, what Shifts, what Excuses, he is forced to pump for and borrow from his wrackt Invention. But the Shepherdesses laugh and whis­per, and are glad of the Occasion, for they are sure now he must make them 3 or 4 Treatments more to secure his Credit: Eumolpus com­ing one day into one of these Gar­dens, observ'd a melancholly Shep­herd walking by himself, with so flow a pace, as if it had been his business to measure the ground, or that he had been studying for Sonnets: his Physiognomy shew­ed much of self-Conceit, and [...]uch of Discontent, as a place where all others display'd a gene­neral Jollity of Humor in their Faces, his Singularity made Eu­molpus [Page 132] resolv'd to attaque him, who made several turns Cheek by Jole with him, expecting the time when he would unlock the Cabi­net of his Lips: but finding him very frugal of his words, Sir, quoth he, I have seldom come into a pleasanter Garden, nor in pleasan­ter Weather, at which words the sad Shepherd taking his Right El­bow in his left Palm, and picking his Nose with his Thumb, Yes, quoth he, the place is pleasant e­nough to such young Gallants as you, that have Mony enough. Is Mony then the Cause, said Eumol­pus, that the Leaves look so green? that the Birds are so merry? or that the Sun shines so bright? No, quoth he, but 'tis the Mony in the Shepherd's Pockets that make the Shepherdess [...]s look so wanton­ly, Pluto and Cerberus take them all for me, and the Eumenides claw their Buttocks, as some of them [Page 133] have claw'd my Pockets. I have been as great a haunter of these Gardens, as the best of them all, and when all was a going, I cry'd, Sera est in fundo Parsimonia, and that cursed Proverb hath left me n [...]ver a Groat in my Purse. But I am come here to Imprint the Dis­dain of my Folly the deeper into my Breast by the sight of those places where my Folly bewitcht me: Nothing vexes me, but that I have spent my Fortune upon Pet­ticoats, and in adoring such a sort of Goddesses, that are the most peccant in the World, especially as to that abominable Sin of In­gratitude. Ask them but only to let you have a Child, as the Gods gave Hiaereus for his loving Enter­tainment, and they plead so many Inconveniences, as if there were no Mandrakes or Savine in the Country, for they generally re­serve those Favors, for those that [Page 134] are less bountiful, in that only kind that they believe it too severe that a poor Shepherd should empty two Purses at one time. Eumolpus to gain a further discovery from his inward Dissatisfaction, invited the sad Shepherd to drink a Bottle of Wine in an adjoyning A [...]bor, where the distance of the [...]eaves afforded Casements sufficient to take a view of all that passed by. Fi [...]st came along a brisk young Shepherd, so gay and so be-ri­bon'd, that he seem'd to have a Nose-Gay (of all the Flowers then flourishing) upon his Cod-piece, his Breeches lookt as if they had been beset with Tulips, as if what they cover'd conceal'd the same Spring and lively Vigor as the Earth that produc'd the natural Colours: he spoke in Raptures, for he disdained the very Sun that gliss'ned upon his Carnations in comparison of those Suns which [Page 135] were by and by to devour his Tarts. If a Nightingale chanc'd to Warble, O Madam! quoth he, this is Incomparable, but nothing to the divine Melody of your Char­ming Voice; his officious hand carry­ed the Shepherdesses Fan, and some­times he cool'd himself, & sometimes her, and when he took it from her Lips, he breath'd out nothing but Sighs, that Arabia Faelix had lost all her Odors: The Shep­herdesses that Grac't his Company were like so many Iris's, full as Gay, and altogether as full of Tongue, laughing and smiling they threw their heads about, as if they had been willing they should have fallen from their Shoulders, to have been taken up like their Gloves; so merry and so wanton, as if they had never known a me­lancholly Thought; so far from s [...]eming to have never been in Love, that they seem'd to be the [Page 136] Controllers of Love himself. The sad Shepherd, at their approach made them a most Reverend O­beysance, which they as mildly return'd, calling him by his name, but they were no sooner past, but he laid violent hands upon his own Hair, with such a passion, as if he would have pulled off as much as would have made a Scourge to have driven them out of the Alley. These Shepherdesses, quoth he, I know very well, and they know me, and good Reason they have; for, quoth he—casting a grim look after them—but let that pass. These are they that are called by the names of Precious Ones, be­cause of their Youth and Beauty, and their civil Easiness to receive the Caress of a Treatment. They go for great Fortunes, quoth he, but if the Shepherds their Fathers could put them off with those Clothes, the Devil of a Rag more [Page 137] would they give them. Could there be but one found among them that had but a Portion really half as large as her Swallow, I fear I should go to my old trade again, and strive to undo one Taylor more than I have done: By and by came another Shepherd with a gang of another so [...]t of Shepherdesses, they were as glorious as the former, but not so young as they, nor al­together so Handsom, they seem'd to move in a dancing posture, and now and then they would sing half a dozen Notes of a new Air: in their Discourse they seem'd to hold Arguments, and to talk upon Themes of Love; whatever they said, it was not for the Shepherd to reply, but only to listen, bow, and smile, and make a nod upon me of those that said nothing. How­ever the sad Shepherd struck to them as they pass'd along, but when they were gone, these are they, [Page 138] quoth he, that are called the Ra­vishing Ones. They are Witty, but seldom Rich, which makes them the more easie of Access: They look High, and their chief Expe­ctation is, when a wealthy Shep­herd will fall into the Trap of their Admiration, they gull, and are gull'd, for the Shepherds that obtain them, never think of mar­rying till they are upon their last Legs. In short, as it is their chief­est Aim, so they make more Rapes upon the Purse, than upon the Heart. By and by another Shep­herd, with a little small Shepher­ [...] his hand, no taller than the wastband of his Breeches, so that he lookt like the Fellow with his Brother growing out of his side, you would not think how she prinkt it and prankt it, and peer'd up in the Shepherd's Face, she was always for looking back upon those that passed by her tal­ler [Page 139] than her self. The main of her Discourse was, no I'le sweat, no I vow, no—Pish—The sad Sh [...]pherd put off his Hat to her, as well as to the rest, for which he receiv'd a Courtesie with her Chin in her Neck. There's one of the Mi [...]cing Mi [...]i [...] quoth he, she's Rich, but her Wit and her Wast are both of a size. The next that followed, were 3 strapping Shep­herdesses, Elderly in years, they sang and giggled; and shew'd a large sto [...]k of Con [...]idence, they had no Shepherd to attend them, yet they were s [...]luted by many, with your humble Servant Lady's. The sad Shepherd little regarded them, for, quoth he, these are the Evapo­rated Ones, they are almost out of date, yet sing prick-Song without Book, and discourse upon all Sub­jects without fear or wit, tho they bear no [...]alice to any person, if you will be so credulous as to be­lieve [Page 140] what they say. Toward the Evening, and just upon Sun-set, we heard a couple of Chariots stop at the Garden-Gate, and strait in marcht a Crew of Shepherds and Shepherdesses, the Shepherds huf­fing and dinging, the Shepherdes­ses flanting and ranting; Iuno's with Ganimedes bearing their Trains, they did so lowt and stare, that they clear'd all before them, their Talk was lowd, and presently the Husbandman that owned the Gar­den was called for, who came creeping and cringing to receive their Commands. These present­ly enquired what Rarities he had ready, who presently returned them a Banquet of hard Names, that would have puzzled the Ma­ster of Paul's School, or the Art of Memory it self. Have you any Champignions, crys one of the Shep­herds? yes and it please you, cry's the Husbandman, drest a-la-mode [Page 141] de France cry'd the Shepherd? Yes, and it like your Honor, quoth the Husbandman, for I hate the damn'd English way of dressing Champig­nions, for the Devil Damme, Ma­dam, quoth he, if they don't make me sick. The sad Shepherd made his Obeysance to them, as they passed along, but they little regard­ed him. These, quoth he, are the most ingrateful Shepherdesses of all living, for when you have spent all your Estate and all your Marrow to boot on them, they think they have received nothing but their due. The Reason why they appear in the Dark is, because they fly the Sun, as the other a­void the Rain, the Sun annoys their Faces, more than Rain the others habits. For these are they who are called Besmeared Ones, Varnish-Daubers, to whom Phae­bus is a great Enemy, whilst Plai­sterers [Page 142] and Red-Painters, with whom when a Man converses, he talks to that which is not. He be­lieves that such a one speaks to him, when there is no such thing, no wonder no Painter can draw them right, when they draw them­selves so wrong, nor is it a won­der they should so much forget thems [...]lves, that in a short time are not able to know their own Faces when they meet them in their Looking-Glasses. The poor Shepherds seem to be accompanied only with the beloved Statues of their own making, enlivened by the kindness of the Gods and their own importunate Prayers. Time ploughs up their Faces, but they fill up the Furrows so thick, that when they are dead, they look like meer pieces of Plai­ster of Paris. They retir'd to their Collation, and we stayed [Page 143] their return, when they were gone we thought it time to go too, [...]o marching out we met the husband­man of the house coming from the Gate muttering and swearing to himself. What cause of so much wrath, quoth the sad Shepherd; to whom the husbandmam cha [...]ing and fretting return'd, quoth he, These Gay Shepherdesses ye saw last, have devoured above three Pounds, and the hu [...]ing Shepherd that Treated them had no Mony, but hath sent me with a Note to his Grocer to take it out in To­bacco. This is my Comfort, that if the Grocer be wise we may chance to make the Fool pay six for his three: There's no trusting without Pro [...]it, Nature will have it so, we were born to get, and they to spend. They say, quoth the sad Shepherd, the Garden of Eden is no where to be found, [Page 144] what if it be not, were I an An­tiquary, trust me, if I would wast one quarter of a sheet about in, for here is a Garden as like it as can be imagined, here is the know­ledge of Good and Evil, here is the Forbidden-Fruit, here is the Tempter and the Tempted. There is only the difference that in the first Eden the Serpent was too Cunning for the Woman, here the Women are too Cunning for the Serpents. Iupiter defend me! how these emp­ty -skull'd Shepherds will boast to morrow at their Ordinary, of the Honor they had to keep Company with these painted Images, all the Table shall ring of the Favor she did him to let him kiss her Hand, to tell him this or t'other Story: Nor is this Career to be stopt till some Cynical Shepherd stands up and swears he had rather keep com­pany with a Kitchen-Wench, than [Page 145] a painted Shepherdess: upon this they go together by the Ears, and it looks like the Contest between the Greek and Roman Church, whether Images or no Images, so long as there is no other harm done, 'tis not unpleasant to see one car­ry his Arm in a Scarf, another with a black piece of Sarcenet up­on his Knuckles. Paris had never more Right to Helena, nor Perseus to Andromeda, than they believe themselves to have right to the vindicated Shepherdess. If they prick one another upon Putney- Heath, or in Barn-Elm- Fields, 'tis not half a penny matter, it does but wast the unruly Red, that would turn to unruly white, so long as no person falls a Sacrifice to the fucus'd Diety.

The Education of the Shepher­desses and Huswifes in Betty-land, is most preposterous and contrary to the Politick Rules of all other Go­vernments. The better sort are [Page 148] generally bred up in the Imagina­ [...]y Castles and Towers of Acrisius, called Boarding-Schools, kept by a certain sort of she-Creatures that will pretend to be whatever you will have them to be: say they shall be she-Draggons, and they shall be such, if you would have them to be the Arguses, they shall perswade ye that they are such, and rather than excuse themselves for not having so many Eyes as he had, they shall allow you sixscore to the hundred. And withal to magnifie the security of their Vi­gilancy, that the very Sun it self shall not dare to peep through the Glass whilst they are in the Room. If you will have them to be she- Centaurs, she- Centaurs they shall be, of which there appears not a little probability, for in these pla­ces it is, that the young Shepher­desses first learn the Art of Horse­manship [Page 149] and Horse-play, first riding o [...]e another, and then in a short time after, riding quite away with some Shepherds or other, to the great Consolation of their Pa­rents. For you must know, that Iupiter is Lord of the Ascendent in all these Houses, and his golden Showers will go through the very pores of the Tiles. There are Ap­purtenances belonging to those Houses of Female Instruction. Im­primis, Dancing-Masters, a certain sort of Cattle, to which the young Shepherdesses give more A­doration, than the Aegyptian to their Cow Isis. Meer Apes, and the worst of Apes, as being French Apes, herein unfortunate that there never was any foolery in­vented yet, so impertinent and un­necessary in the world as the foole­ry of Dancing, herein fortunate, that the Age is so unfortunate to [Page 150] be their Apes. Yet the young Shepherdesses endeavour to imi­tate them, and the old ones are so mad as to let them, but then they rue it, when they find the young Hus­wifes have been dancing so long that they can hardly go, for the weight of their Bellies. This is the Art that first witches them to kick up their heels by the powerful Charms of gesticular and obscene Moti­on, by the Opportunities of pal­ming, kissing, and treading upon the Toe, and striking while the Iron is hot, which is the Reason that the good natur'd Souls can­not refuse to dance a Coranto with the Dancing-Master himself. I know said Eumolpus in one small place of Education, two Families of 3 Sisters apiece totally laid common, by the Ins [...]nuations of this Art, and one more of another Family, which me thought was [Page 151] pity, for 'twas all the old Shepher­d [...]ss had. Not unlikely, said Eucol­pius, but more than that, how ma­ny Antick Dancers whose Clothes have been made streight to their Limbs, have been sent far off the Stage by great Shepherdesses to al­lay the strength of Imagination. They have a Musician too, of whom they learn half a dozen Lessons on Virginals, and 3 or 4 sing-Songs by Rote. A little Musick goes a great way with them, only to make a Caterwauling noise, when their Parents come to see them, and to show they do not give their Mo­ny for nothing. Besides all this, they learn very dextrously to play the little Thieves for their Bellies, to Junket in corners, which they practise afterwards to the no small Expence of their Espousers, but for any Documents of Modesty, Chastity, good Huswifery, or well [Page 152] ordering of a Family, 'tis not re­quired by their Parents, that they should be much (if any thing at all) instructed therein, which is the reason that as soon as they come out of these places, they present­ly travel into Betty-land, and ne­ver more return into their own Country.

The people of Betty-land are subject to several Diseases, both of Mind and Body, perticularly among the Females, there is one Disease that universally Rages, call'd Furor Vterinus, the Stories of Io and Pasiphae very plainly de­monstrate the Rage of this Di­stemper. The first of which was in such a Condition, that she run lowing up and down like a Cow for Cure, and the latter for the re­medy of her Malady, was forc't to make use of a Bull. Two odd [Page 153] kinds of Receipts you'l say, but you know the Rule in Physick, a desperate Disease must have a de­sperate Cure. To say there is any absolute Cure for this Disease is a folly, for there is nothing cures it but death, yet the heat and present fury of the Distemper is often allay'd by the Application of proper Pes­saries, of which there must be pre­par'd Variety still at hand, and those hourly made use of, or else they signifie nothing, of this Di [...]tem­per Virgil thus speaks;

There is a Distemper among the Shepherds call'd Priapismus, which if it meet with this Furor Vterinus, will hold it pretty tack. It is a kind of Giant-like Distemper, that lifts its head most stiffly against Fu­ror Vterinus, as having a perfect Animosity against it: If they hap­pen to run-counter, the Combat [Page 155] is fierce and endures long, many times as long as either Shepherd or Shepherdess can crawl or breath, but without any satisfaction of thei [...] Revenge. And therefore the best way is for them to let one another alone; this Furor V­terinus is that which make the Poet Euripides cry out,

This is that which distracts the whole Region of Betty-land, the Boule feau of domestick Discord and publick Havock. This is that which bankrupts the Gentry, and hurries the poor Merchant and Tradesmen headlong into the San­ctuary of the Fleet and King's- Bench. [Page 156] The profusion of Habit, the Prodigality of Diet, the wast of Visits, the Consumption of En­tertainments. Thence Hippolitus in Euripides falls into such a high Passion that he Exclaims,

Some of the Effects of this Fu­ror Vterinus happens to be as Co­mical as the other is Tragical, while some poor Shepherds are found lock'd up in Trunks, others whelm­ed under kneading-Troughs, and there kept till their own Shepher­desses are sent for, to receive the same kindnesses over their Backs, which they had done to their Neighbours.

There are also several Frenzies in Betty-land, the chiefest where­of is known by the name of being in Love, so that you shall hardly read a Romance wherein the Prime Hero of all does not wast himself to Skin and Bones for the Love of some fair Shepherdess o [...] other, what a deal of white Paper has [Page 158] been wasted, to tell you in what sad Condition Demetrius was in, how his Cheeks grew pale, his Eyes grew hollow, how he fell from his meat like a Hen troubled with the Pip, what a Fever he had, how he reviv'd at the sight of her, and all for the Love of his Mother-in­Law: Nay, and the old doting Shepherd his Father was forced to quit the pleasure of his old Age to save the young Fop his Son, O most unparallel'd Success of a Betty-land-Frenzy! They that put Tere­sius upon Interrogatories whether he enjoy'd most satisfaction as a Man or a Woman, might as well have put the question to this young Shepherdess, which she lik't best, the Father or the Son. Worse luck had Phaedra, who was so mad as to hang herself for the Love of her Son-inLaw Hippolitus. Worse luck had Dido, who was so mad as to [Page 159] burn herself. Worse luck had Ec­cho, to kill her self▪ for the Love of Narcissus, but a more conceit­ed Fool was Narcissus to kill him­self for Love of his own sha­dow.

The same Frenzy possessed This­be, Hero and Parthenia, for the Loss of Pyramus, Leander and Ar­galus, there is scarce a Book in all Betty-land, where some or other have not been forc't to quench the heat of their Frenzies, even to the extinction of Life it self. If you ask the Cure, I can tell you none, bu [...] the Remedies already menti­oned, that is to say, Ropes, Ri­vers, Fires and Precipices.

Sterility and Frigidity are two great Distempers in Betty-land, but they do more pester and trouble the Country than annoy it. Steri­lity [Page 160] causes great Murmuring, and Frigidity causes great Heart-burn­ing. And the sport is to hear them lay the fault one upon ano­ther, there being few or none that are willing to confess where the fault lies. Away goes the Shep­herdess to her Neighbors for In­formation, you, quoth she, have all of ye such pretty little young Shep­herds and Shepherdesses, and I can have none, which is the great [...]st Torment to me in the world; up­on this complaint, many deep que­stions are put, so freely answered▪ that there is not a Secret in Na­ture conceal'd. Many times there is a Writ of Enquiry in the case, and all things are concluded to be safe and well: Then is the poor Shepherds Back agreed to be the weaker, and yet the whole bur­then and weight of miscarriage is laid upon it. It would tire Her­cules [Page 161] himself to undergo the labor, which he is now put upon, howe­ver the better▪ to enable the poor Shepherd to dig and sow in his Parsly-Bed, Physitians of all Sorts, Ages and Sexes are consulted with, certainly the most gainful and de­lightful part of their Practise; to sit with an allow'd Familiarity by a Fair Shepherdess half unready in a morning, passing away the time so pleasantly, at the p [...]etty sport of Questions and Answers, [...]mo­ving, so tickling, that they would kindle a fire in the frozen Breast of a Hermite. They prescribe the Time, the Preparation, the Po­st [...]re, Manner and Order of Acti­on, and must have an Account, question by question, whether e­very Lesson were punctually ob­s [...]rved. Then having received a large Reward, you cannot imagin with what a solemn Countenance [Page 162] and merry Heart they take their leave, for which they so cram ye with Electuaries of Diasatyrion and Diacorum, so benoynt ye with Oyl of Euphorb. so feast you with can­died Eringoes, Pisstacho's, pickled Periwinkles, Cock-Iellies and sweet Wine, that were not the poor Shep­herds forced to empty as well as fill, Heaven only knows to what a Strength and Fatness they would arrive. And truly they work strange Cures sometimes. Others there are, that from Gun-Smiths, Farryers and Coblers, having got a few idle Receipts against Bar­renness and Sterility, get such a Fame in Betty-land presently, that their Halls are crowded all the morning long with Nurses coming for half Crown-Glasses, and for this they have a Poundage accor­ding to the Custom that they bring. Ask some of these great [Page 163] Paracelsus's why they add the Vir­tues of curing Sterility and Frigi­dity to a simple Pill which they know has no such Efficacy: O they cry! that's the Cummin-Loaf that takes with the Female Pidgeons, but when all is done, he gives the most pleasing Physick that whispers in a Shepherdesses Ears, Change Vostre Vit Madam, and who can dispute the Licence which a Del­phian Oracle gives. But the grand Senior Disease of all that domi­neers and rages in every corner of Betty-land, is a Distemper that has as many Names and Titles, as the Great Turk himself, his Praenomen is morbus, his Cognomen's are like the Train of a Pleni-Potentiary Em­bassadors Coach, Neapolitanus, Hi­spanicus, Gallicus, Americanus, Mex­icanus, Venereus, Lues Venerea, Go­norrhea simplex, Gonorrhea Faetida, in English the Pox. These 3 Ca­pital [Page 164] Letters wast more Printers-Ink, than all the whole Alphabet besides; a man cannot draw to make water, but they are always in his Eye bragging and vapour­ing what they can do if he have occasion. This Monsieur Pox, and the Devil, like your Serjeant and Yeomen, upon the least Chol­er and Indignation are at every turn (by the Shepherds of Betty-land) bid to go take and appre­hend whoever they be that offend them, and they are two such nim­ble Pursivants, that 'tis the gene­ral opinion that few or none escape one or t' other.

Most faithful Shepherds, 'tis not to be believ'd, that this Distem­per is of so modern an Extraction, such an upstart destroyer of Man­kind as it is generally taken to be, for in the first place we read of [Page 165] Dejanira's Shirt, which as the Fa­ble tells ye she sent to Hercules, which being set on fire by the heat of his Body, burnt him to death. All which in verity was nothing but a most virulent Clap, which that Confounded Whore gave the greatest Hero in the World in his old Age, better had it been for Betty-land that that Strumpet had been burnt a hundred years before, for the Example of that great He­ro has so bewitcht the Hectors of our Age, that they never think themselves like Hercules, till they have been calcined in Dejanira's Smock. Aged Aeson was so im­provident, as to get a Clap in his old Age, but his Daughter Medea so well sweat him in her Corneli­us's Tub, that she recovered him, which gave an occasion to the Poets to feign, that she boyl'd him so long till she renewed hi [Page 166] Age. And Valerius Maximus tells you a Story of young Clodius Pulcher, who being a dissolute young Shepherd, and wholly dedicating himself to the Em­braces of a Common and Infa­mous Syren: Erubescendo mortis genere Consumptus fuit, dy'd a Death which was a shame to rehearse, for saith he, Abdomine avide devorato saede & sordide Intemperantiae spiritum reddidit. The lower parts of his Belly being all eaten away, he yield­ed his Life to the conquest of most nasty and sordid Intempe­rance.

The fury of t [...]is Distemper is antiently set forth by the Greek Poet Nicander in his Alexiphar­ [...]aca, w [...]o lived in the time of [Page 167] Attalus the last King of Perga­mus,

Surely, said Eucolpius, to pass through the several Hospitals, where the Cures of this Distem­per are perform'd, is a Journey more pleasant than that of Ae­neas into Hell, to see a poor Shepherd with his Head and Chops mu [...]led up like Bevis of Southampton in his Helmet, lay'd all along upon the side of his Couch, like the Statue of Tha­mesis pouring out a River from the Urn of his Mouth. To hear the strange Noises and hollow Sounds, that others make having [Page 169] lost the O [...]gans of Speech, how they curse and ban the Artist for not having made their new Noses according to Directions, for having made a new Pallat more like the Roof of an Oven than to be put into the Mouth of a Gentleman. Go a little further and you shall hear ano­ther [...]uming against the cause of his Misfortune, a plague of all Religious Syrens—had she not told me, she had been one of Baxter's H [...]arers, she should have been damn'd ere I wou'd have medled with her. How I came by this sad Accident, cry's a­nother, Heav'n knows! for I have not laid with any but my own Sh [...]pherdess this half year, but he is soon taken up short by his fellow in Affliction— Hell take your Shepherdess for me, for I had to do with her [Page 170] but a week since and she gave me this. A huge mountainous Shep­herd, Grave and Elderly, had been claw'd off by a little di­minutive Pigmy, and he sate in his Indian-Gown, with a blew Satin-Cap, Laced and Bordered with a Rich Point, comforting himself up with Hall's Medita­tions, Shakespear, and Foxe's Book of Martyrs, and giving whol­som Advice to all that came to s [...]e him. O my dear Friends and Companions! quoth he, have a care of Syrens, little approaching to a door fast lockt ye might discover through the Key-hole, a poor Shepherdess disconsolately creeping about the Room, lamenting and sighing to her self, and at length he [...] ­ving a Glass of Liquor to her Mouth, which went down with so many sour Faces and with so much [Page 171] reluctancy, that it seem'd to be neither Hippocras nor burnt-Claret. Are these the sweets of Love, quoth she? The Pleasures of my Youth have sowr Sawce, for I am undone and never shall be my own Woman again. But the old Nurse that was with her, cry'd, Have patience and all will be well in due time, ' [...]was his Ignorance, and you must pardon one another. Par­don me, quoth the other, what am I guilty of? Alas! I beg'd as for an Alms to tell me the truth, and he still cry'd, it was a Strein, that he got it at playing at Leap-frog, I pityed him, I nursed him, and plaistered him, till it was come to that I could almost look in at his Mouth quite through the nape of his Neck, then too late I discovered my Error and his Untruth. The [Page 172] Distemper is so general, that a Man cannot shrink up his Nose in any Company, for the shoot­ing of a Corn against wet wea­ther, but they ask ye—what h [...], you have got 'em. Now as there are many Philosophers that have largely treated of Va­lour and Fortitude, many that have made Essays upon Pati­ence, but none of these make any mention of those that so boldly and magnanimously Ad­venture Life and Limbs in the Combates of Venus. He that looses a Limb in Battle reaps Honor, and Scars beget▪ Re­nown. But let a Venerial Furio­so with a Colly-Flower upon his Forehead Encounter Bacchus himself never so briskly, his Nose which by this means he is for [...]'t to purchase of pure Gold is not so much esteemed as the others [Page 173] wooden Leg, no man calls them Hero's but Fools. And therefore Heroules is not brought in mad by the Poets▪ for having the Disease, but because he was such a [...] Fool to get it, 'twas a swin­ger, and he dy'd on't. But b [...] ­cause Hercules the Hector of the World dy'd on't, that's no Ar­gument that the Hectors of Bet­ [...]y-land should run such terrible R [...]qu [...]s for the fag end of Her­cules his Fame. Therefore Nes­sus the Centaur, who gave De­janira her Doze, gave the bet­ter Advice, who being sl [...]in by Hercules for vitiating his Mistress upon his death-bed left Dejani­ra this Legacy. Give, quoth he, the same Clap to Hercules that I have given you, and I'le secure you, he shall never love Syrens more. The effect of which Counsel was good, and [Page 174] doubtless to be followed rather than the Example of Her­cules, most fit for those that accidentally commit an Error to take warning by in time. But they that try the Experiments for the Experiments sake, deserves no better end than Hercules had; but what Remedies? Remedies! more than there are Atoms playing in the Summer-Sun-Beams.

A Distemper that opposes the Generation of Man, to set up and advance its own genera­tive faculty.

For it has produc't and daily procreates such multitudes of Ver­mine and strange Monsters, that the sultry Bogs of Africa never produc'd the like. French Quacks, Italian Mountebanks, German O­perators, English Empericks, Expe­rienc't Hunters, Vniversal Pill­makers, Paracelsians, Chimists, [Page 175] Hermetical Astrologers, Compoun­ders, Confounders, Projectors, Dis­sectors, Injectors. These made such an Alarm in the world, that the Curats, Parish-Clerks, and Sextons, nay the whole Pre­rogative Office was in an up-roar, and all joyning together, drew up a Remonstrance, which they presented to Death. One of the Curates in a formal set-Speech, inform'd his meagre Ma­jesty of the danger he was in, how many new Pills, Potions, Wa­ters, Elixirs, Spirits of Salt, Lo­zinges, and Chimical Extractions these Enemies of his had in­vented to his Destruction. To commiserate the Ruin of so ma­ny Families that liv'd by Dust to Dust, Grave-digging, Bell-tolling, Chancel-ground, mid­dle-Isle-ground, and Belfry-ground. To pitty the decay of [Page 176] the Civil-Law, should they lose the Probat of Wills: On the other side, the people of Betty-land finding that they were now to be immortal, fell to all man­ner of Debauchery, Gluttoni­zing, Drinking, Whoring, to the height of all Excess, laying all care of Health aside, as altoge­ther needless and frivolous, en­countring Claps and Pox with that boldness, as if they had done it in defiance of Death, making Lampoons against that poor. Miscreant, as if he had not been worthy to wipe their Shooes. As for Old Time with his Scyth, they bid him go to Harvest-work, and labor hard in the Summer, lest he is star­ved in the Winter; some ask [...] him why he did not make friends to get into the Charterhouse.

Death and Time too were [Page 177] not a little troubled to hear these things, and therefore to understand the truth of their Practices, they resol­ved to take a turn or two a­bout the Town. The main Obstacle was to get into Moorfields, where the chief heads of the Rebellion liv'd, for fear of the Prentices. But time being the master of Opportunity, bid him leave that to his Care: so coming into the Street, they beheld to their no small A­stonishment, all the Posts, all the dead Walls, all the Posterns, all the Arches so be-plaistered, so be-smear'd with Bills and [Page 178] printed Papers bidding open defiance against them, as if the Bricks and Stone would sink under their several bur­thens with the Support and Enablement of these potent Sear-Cloths. By and by comes a Fellow with a Brush and pot of Past, and his Arms full of Quarto's, and giving Death such a shoulder, as had almost thrown him in­to the Kennel, claps up a­nother brisk Challenge i'th very teeth of him; Death let him go as he came, for he did not like his Company, and when he was gone fell to Reading. In the first [Page 179] place, No Cure no Mony, Cheek by Jowl by that stood, At the Gun in Moorfields li­veth one that never fails. Much ado had Time to keep Death from striking his Dart into his own Breast, at the sight of th [...]se two confident pi [...]ces of Mortality. But when he lift up his Eyes, and spy'd the Three Infallible Cures. Dii and Pluto guard me, quoth Death, Three Infallible Cures, Then wo is me poor Death! I never knew my self till now, a whole Crown for one quarter of Brandy, for these bold Mortals have al­most broke my Heart. But [Page 180] time the subtler of the two, gave him kind words of Com­fort, assuring him that he doubted not but in a short time to let these Boasters find how vainly they contested with so great a Prince as he was. But as publick as they are abroad, they pr [...]t [...]nd the greatest Secrecy imagi [...]a­ble at their own Habitations. For the People of Betty-land whatever Revel-Rout they make when they get this Di­stemper, yet when they find themselves tainted, are the most cautious that can be to let thei [...] Friends, Relations, or Acquaintance know it. [Page 181] They sneak into the Habita­tions of the Syrens with their Cloaks over their No [...]es, pop out again when t [...]ey see t [...]e Street clear, but within doors are ashamed of no Extrava­gance, for pleasure is a kind of drunkenness that makes men mad, puts all the Senses and Pastions upon the stretch of duty, and when the heat is over, lays them tyr'd and [...]an­guid to sleep, leaving none but the usual Centinels upon the Guard, Suspicion, Fear, and Repentance.