VVomen should be so sociable; I have had such a coil with her, to bring her but to look out at window; when we were first mar­ried, she would not drink a cup of wine, unless nine parts of it were water.

Nay, and ye knew all, my Lords, ye would say so: t'o­ther day I brought an English Gentleman home with me, to try a Horse I should sell him; he (as ye know their custom, though it be none of ours) makes at her lips the first dash.

She did so powt and spit, that my hot-brain'd Gallant could not forbear, but ask the cause: quoth she—

No, Sir, she spit again, before quoth she left her lips.

I think she did indeed; but then quoth she, A kiss, Sir, is sins earnest-penny: is't not true, Pambo?

Very true, Sir; by the same token, Quoth he to her again, If you dislike the penny, Lady, pray let me change it in­to English half-pence; and so gave her two for't.

But how she vex't then! then she rattled him, and told him roundly, Though confidence made Cuckolds in England, she could no Coxcombs in Italy.

But did ye mark how bitterly he clos'd it with a mid­ling Jest?

What was that, I prethee?

Why quoth he to her again, Confidence makes not so many Cuckolds in England, but Craft picks open more Padlocks in Italy.

That was something sharp—But here she comes.

The Conceit may stand, but I hope you have cloath'd the method in a more Christian-like apparel.

Put in hurt her finger, good Francis; the phrase will be more decent.

VVhy then your Ladiship may hold your tongue, say nothing, and walk in the Orchard.

Pshew, there's nothing against a womans will; and I dare be sworn, if my Lady kiss but any one man, 'tis because she cannot do with all.

I have sweet cause to be jealous, have I not, gentlemen? no; Crede quod habes, & habes still; he that believes he has horns, has them. Will you go bring my horse, sir?

I will bring your horse, sir; and your horse shall bring his tail with him.

Francis, I prithee stay thou at home with thy Lady: get thy instrument ready; this melancholy will spoil her: before these Lords here, make her but laugh, when we are gone.

Pish, I mean, make her laugh heartily before we come home; and before these Lords, I promise thee a lease of forty Crowns per annum.

My Lords, I think we have staid with the longest; fare­wel Doll: Crede quod habes, & habes, gallants.

Adieu sweet Mistres: and whensoere I marry, fortune turn up to me no worse Card then you are.

And whensoere I marry, Venus send me a Card may save fortune the labour, and turn up her self.

How now? why loyter you behind? why ride not you a­long with your Lord?

Come, I'll lie with thee, Wench, and make all well a­gain; though your confident Lord makes use of Crede quod habes & habes, and holds it impossible for any to be a Cuckold, can believe himself none: I would have his Lady have more wit, and clap them on.

Who can you chuse more convenient to practise with, then me, whom he doats on? where shall a man finde a friend but at home? so you break one Proverbs pate, and give the other a plainer: is't a match, wench?

VVell, for once it is: But and ye do any more, indeed I'll tell my Husband.

now many casualties may cross us; but soon at night my Lord, I'm sure, will be so sleepy, what with his journey, and deep healths for the Dukes return, that before he goes to Bed (as he uses still, when he has been hard a drinking) he will sleep up­on the bed in's cloaths so sound, Bells would not wake him, rung in the chamber.

Now Pambo, that makes him merry in his Chamber, shall, when the candle's our, and he asleep, bring you into the Chamber.

VVhen you are in at door on right before you, you shall feel the bed; give me but softly a touch, I'll rise, and follow you into the next chamber: but truly and you do not use me kindly, I shall cry out and spoil all.

Use you kindly! was Lady ere us'd cruelly i'th' dark? do you but prepare Pambo and your maid, let me alone with her Mistres: about 11 I desire to be expected

Ha, ha, ha, now do I see, cuckold-making is as ticklish a profession as Cunny-catching: my Lord was so paid with healths at court, he's fast enough.

But still I pursue wonder, why my Lady should pre­scribe this strange, nay wonderous desperate way to her de­sires.

Is that a question to ask now? would you would groap out the bed; for I sleep in my talk, I am sure of that.

'Tis nothing but the last cup comes up in stew'd­broath: if ever you make true whore master, I'll be bound to resign my place up to my Lords page: Sea-sick before you come to th' salt-water? let me go in your stead.

Turn of your left hand, 'twill lead you to the devil, to my Lady, I should say, presently.

Let me four steps on the left hand: I have the bed, and on this side she lies: 'Sfoot there's a beard? but all's well yet, she lies on this side sure:

Oh my sweet birds-nie! what a wench have I of thee? Crede quod habes, & habes still; and I had thought it possible to have been cuckloded, I had been cuckolded: I'll take my rapier as I go, sirrah: and the night being dark, I'll speak like thee, as if thou hadst kept thy word. Oh Villian! nothing vexes me, but that he should think I can he a cuckold, and have such a Lady: do thou lie still, and I'll bring thee his heart for thy Munkies break-fast.

How she goes flaunting too! she must have a feather in her head, and a corke in her heel.

I that shews her light from head to heel, sir; and who have heavier heads, then they whose wives have light heels? that feather confounds her.

I shall so laugh to hear the Comical History of the great Count Lorenzo's horns; but as I have such a wife now, what a villain did I entertain to teach her musick? 'has done her no good since he came, that I saw.

Hang him, 'has made herr a little perfect in prick-song, that's all; and it may be she had skill in that, before you married her too.

'Tis he sure, 'has a dreaming whore-masters pace; pray let me practise my Ladies part, and counterfeit for her.

Pray be you ready with your rapier to spit him then and I'll watch him a good turn, I warrant ye

Here they are. If Pambo now comes off with his part neatly, the Comedy passes bravely: Who's there—Madam?

One that has more humanity in him, then to see a proper fellow cast himself away, I warrant thee: 'tis I, 'tis I man, I have heard all.

Nay sh'as bob'd thee bravely; sh'as a thousand of these tricks, yfaith man; but howsoever, what I have found thee, I have found thee: hark in thine ear, shalt have five leases, and mine own Nag, when th'ast a mind to ride

Nay there's a couple of you, for a wife and a friend; shalt be no more my servant: I had thought to have made thee my Steward, but thou'rt too honest for the place, that's the truth on't.

I will talk with thee to morrow, Pambo; thou shalt have something too; but I'll to bed: honest Francis, the dearest must part, I see; I will so hug the sweet rascal that thinks every hour ten, till I come yonder! good night Frank, to bed Pambo. What delight in life.

Nothing before I had something, I mean: so you are well return'd from Utopia.

There lies the jest on't. Sirrah Pambo, I do but think and she had met him in the gardon, how she would have [...]atled him.

And ruffled him too, sir; the Camomile would have been better for it many a day after.

Servant? my sworn brother, man, he's too honest for an office he'll never thrive in't: ye have few servants will deal so mercifully with their Lords.

No, no, no; let her alone, 'tis pity indeed to part them, they are so well match'd: was he not reading to her?

No, sir, she was weeping to him: she heard this morn­ing that her confessor father Jacomo was dead.

She'll munch the more in a corner, that's the Puri­tans fast.

Nay do but judge of her my Lords by one thing; where­as most of our dames go to confession but once a month; some twice a quarter, and some but once a year, and that upon con­straint too; she never misses twice a Week.

Nay, I told ye, ye should finde no Philippo of Fran­cisco.

And I remember I told your honour, you should finde no Abstemia of my Lady.

Nor no Lorenzo of my self; he was ever a melancholy stubborn fellow, he kept her in too much, and see what comes on't; I give my wife her will; and see what comes on't too.

It may be two babies, sir, for they come commonly with giving a woman her will.

I'd laugh at that, yfaith boy: but who has she now for her confessor?

She looks for one they call him father Antony, sir, and he's wish'd to her by Madona Lussuriosa.

There's another modest soul too, never without a holy man at her elbow: but here comes one out-weighs them all: Why how now chick! weeping so fast? this is the fault of most of our Ladies, painting, weeping for their sins I should say, spoils their faces.

Why then it may be he knew you could not hold out for the journey; pray do not set us all a crying—

Now is the devil writing an encomium upon cunning cuckold-makers.

By this hand, I turn'd not from her all last night: what should a man do?

Good pigs-nye! Frank, prethee walk her t'other turn i'th' garden, and get her a stomach to her supper; we'll be with ye presently, wench.

Nay when ye please—But why should I go from ye?

Well, there goes a couple; where shall a man match ye indeed? Hark Pambo!

And intreat Madona Lussuriosa to sup with us, as you go, tell her my Lady's never well, but in her company.

What if your honour invited the Count Lorenzo? he'll be so melancholy now his Lady and he are parted!

Pray do as you are bid, kind sir, and let him alone; I'll have no cuckold sup in my house to night.

Tis a very hot evening, your honour will sup in the garden then.

Why, your honour was ever as good as your word: keep the cuckolds out of door, and lay a cloath for my Lord in the Arbour, gentlemen.

Why I intend to compose a pamphlet of all my wives vertues, put them in print, and dedicate them to the Duke, as or­thodoxal directions against he marries.

'Twill give him apt instructions, when he does marry, to pick out such a woman.

Pick her, where will he pick her? as the English pro­verb says, He may as soon finde a needle in a bottle of hay: would I know what sins she has committed, I would set them down all one with another; they would serve as soyles to her ver­tues: but I do think she has none; d'ye think she has any, gen­tlemen?

I, pidling ones it may be, a when a pin pricks her fin­gers to cry at sight on't, and throw't away; but for other mat­ters.—

Now I think on't, sir, I have a device newly begotten, that if you be so desirous to be resolv'd of her perfections, 'twill be an apt means for your intelligence.

That will be excellent, and then my book grounded upon mine own experience, the report of my judgement in the choyce of a woman, will sell them off faster than the Compositor can set the Letters together.

Reveal confession: but go your ways; as much as may lawfully be reveal'd, we'll laugh as, at next meeting

Well, thou surpassest all the courtiers in these pretty ones; if a man had the wit to understand them—Yon­der she comes; I can hardly forbear blushing, but that for dis­covering my self.

No, no, sir, she came to me with neer a crack about her.

These will be brave sins to mix with her vertues; why they will make no more shew then three or four bayliffs amongst a company of honest men. These sins, my Dove-like daughter, are out of contradiction venial, trivial and light: have you none of greater growth?

VVhy then Crede quod habes, & habes; I will believe I have hornes, for I have 'em: 'Sfoot, a woman, I perceive, is a neat Herald, she can quarter her husbands coat with Butchers Arms at pleasure: but I have a penance for your pure whore­ship: you are somewhat broad, are you not with childe, daugh­ter?

Yonder she walks mumbling to her self; the Prince Antonio has blest her with's observation; and ye win her but to him, your house bears the bell away; accost her quaintly.

I warrant thee, Morbo Madona, Timpania has effected wonders of more weight then a maiden-head: have I ruin'd so many City-Citadels, to let in. Court-martialists; and shall this Country-Cottage hold our? I were more fit for a Cart then a Coach, then yfaith: how now Millicent, how d'ye this morning?

As a Usurers conscience. Grace was coming in, till she saw the door shut upon her▪

I'll set Grace about her business, and I come to her: is here any work for Grace, with a wannion to her? we shall have Eaves-droppers, shall we?

Come hither mistress Millicent; fie, how you let your hair hang about your ears too? how do you like my house, Mill?

Nay I know a woman may rise here in one month, and she will her self: but truths truth, I know yoo see something, as they say, and so forth. Did you see the gallant was here last till 12?

VVhich? he in the white feather that supp'd in the gal­lery, was't not white Morbo?

What from a Dukes son? many come up with a mur­ren, from whence came you: tto, ha?

I would have ye know, houswife, I could have taken my Coach and fetch'd him one of the best pieces in Millain, and her husband should have look'd after me, that's neighbours might have noted, and cry'd farewel Naunt, commend me to mine Uncle.

Perfum'd! I am a Pander, a Rogue, that hangs toge­ther [Page 37] like a beggers rags, by geometry: if there were not three La­dies swore yesterday that my mistres perfum'd the coach! so they were fain to unbrace all she side-parts, to take in fresh air.

He tells you true, I keep no [...] a company, I warrant ye; we vent no breath'd ware here.

But have ye so many several women to answer so many men that come?

I'll answer that by demonstration: have ye not observ'd the variation of a Cloud? sometimes 'twill be like a Lyon, sometimes like a horse, sometimes a Castle, and yet still a Cloud.

Why so can we make one wench one day look like a Country-wench, another day like a Citizens wife, another day like a Lady; and yet still be a punk.

Morrow sweet Madam; Oh look how like the Sun be­hind a Cloud, the beams do give intelligence it is there.

What have ye not brought this young wild haggard to the lure yet?

Faith sir, she's a little irregular yet; but time, that turns Citizens Caps into Court-periwigs, will bring the won­der about.

Your Grace is most methodically welcome: you must pardon my vareity of phrase, the Courtiers e'en cloy us with good words.

Nay good my Lord, let it be carried with a silent repu­tation, for the credit of the conclusion; as all here are privy to the passage, I do desire not to be laugh'd at, till after the Mask and we are all ready: I have made bold with some of your Graces gentlemen, that are good dancers.

Yes, there's devout lechery between hawk and buzzard: but please ye set the Ladies: the Mask attends your Grace.

Why chicken, shall they make such an Ass of thee? good your Grace, can a woman indure to see her loving husband wear horns in's own house?

Those two lines are extempore, I protest, sir; I brought them in because here are some of other Cities in the room that might snuff pepper else.

Did you not see one slip out of a cloak-bag i'th' fashion of a flitch of bacon, and run under the table amongst the hogs?

I, I, a tythe-pig twas overlaid last night, and he speaks nonsence all the day after.—

Nay, let me have a hand in't: I'll tear his coat with more zeal then a Puritan would tear a surplis.

I have nothing to do with ye, I take no notice of ye, I have plaid my part off to th' life, and your Grace promis'd to per­form yours.

'Snailes, upon and Asse: an 'th nd been upon an horse it had been worthy gramercy.

He must be branded, if the whore-master be burnt: what shall become of the procurer?

Nay sir, 'tis but Crede quod habes & habes, at most; believe I have a halter, and I have one.

I brought but flesh to flesh sir, and your Grace does as much when you bring your meat to your mouth.

there's my dream out already; but since there is no remedy but that whipping-chear must close up my stomach, I would request a noat from your Grace, to the Carman, to intreat him to drive apace; I shall never indure it else.

Lorenzo Me—Medico has run him in the eye, some thirty three inches, two barly corns: they could scarce know him for the blood, but by his apparel. I must find out my Lady: he us'd our house, intelligence has been given of his pilgrimage thither: I am affraid I shall be fing'd to death with torches, and my Lady stew'd between two disnes.

Come, I have other business afoot; I have no time to discover 'em now, sir; see, I can inforce ye: but by this hand, go but with me, and keep your own counsel; garden-houses are not truer bawds to cuckold-making, then I will be to thee, and thy stratagem.

But I have more wit then to trust you behind me sir: pray get you before, I have a private friend shall keep you in custody, till I have past a project; and if you can keep your own counsel, I will not injure you: and this for your comfort, the Prince lives.

Living! thou mak'st my blood dance: but prithee let's be honest one to another.

Oh sir, as the Justices clarke, and the Constable, when [Page 55] they share the crowns that drunkards pay to the poor; pray keep fair distance, and take no great strides.