WHat now Husband? Are you grown horne mad? What doe you meane to assume such a head to make your selfe ridiculous, and a laughing stocke to all the world? And to bring shame and dis­grace unto me, as if I were an unhonest woman, who have beene loyall unto you all my life, I vow I will have them off.

But vow you shall not, for I take more pleasure and content in them then in any thing in the world beside, esteeming them as a goodly ornament unto me above all other men, 2. as a testification to all the world of my innocency, 3. it is unto me a strong defence against all adverse power, 4. hornes are so ser­viceable and usefull that no man almost can live without them.

But why did you attempt such a thing without my consent?

Good wife be content, for there are very few weare horns without their wives consent.

But you doe, and that I am sure of.

Will you take your oath of that?

No indeed, I am not so rash, I doe not use to sweare you know, yet this is enough to make any one sweare and curse too, especially considering that not long since your head was as round as a ball.

But when my head was round, I could neither passe along the street nor sit in my shop without receiving a jeer from one knave or other, some calling me a troublesome fellow, some say­ing I was a despiser of government, others telling me I was an enemy to Bishops and the discipline of our Church. If I had a head full of wit, I should be called, or at least suspect me to bee either a projector, or a crafty knave: should I weare long locks, I should be esteemed a roaring boy or a swaggerer; and all this laid upon me, though I were innocent of them all. This judgement passed upon me for my head; but who saith so of me now? They may well gaze at me, but judge me to be no other, but an inno­cent harmelesse and contented man.

But why are horned men called more innocent and harm­lesse then other men?

Because they have no harme in them, for where hornes are there is innocency: As for example, we may see in the very animall, these whom nature hath horned, are of all other most harmelesse in themselves, and most beneficiall and serviceable to man, as sheep, oxen, goats and the like, who never offend any, and yet wondrous strong in their owne defence, as you may see in the fiercest of them all, which is the Bull; when shall you see him runne at any dogge, but passe by a thousand of them with­out regard or feare, but if they runne at him he with his hornes tosse them up into the aire, and causes them oftentimes to garter their legges with their owne guts. How many comely headed Rammes passe by the Butchers doores, against whom no dogge moveth his tongue, and if they should, his horned head is a suffi­cient [Page] defence to push them downe backeward.

But what is that to men that weare hornes?

Is there not an old proverb, that one paire of legges is worth two paire of hands? but I say in a new proverb, that one paire of hornes is worth ten paire of legges. If the old Lord Keeper had had a good horned head, he needed not to have bor­rowed a Finches wings to transport his massie body over the seas, he might have staid at home and been safe, for what vertue is there in birds feathers comparable with hornes? What de­fence is there in a delinquent Prelates three corner cap? Or in a Popes miter? Or in a Cardinalls cap? Would not one paire of hornes well planted in one innocent head bee worth all these? Who can deny it? Surely no man. Sir Iohn Suckling with his six score troopers, was forced to fly, whereas I stay at home with my hornes in quietnesse, amongst many of the forked order, and no man envies me.

Moreover Hornes are a great commodity both here and be­yond the seas, many living comfortably thereupon, and the com­pany of horners greater then can be knowne: I could wish that all my kinne were horned, then I might happily get something at their death, whereas now I am like to get nothing. But let mee dye when I will, if I leave my heires nothing else, I bequeath unto them my hornes.

Againe, Hornes are of such necessary use, that the Common­wealth cannot want them, being used of most sorts of people, even from our infancy to our dying day. For no sooner can children walke and talke, but they are put to their horne-booke to learne the first rudiments of all Liberall Sciences; and when they grow greater, to recreate themselves with a horne Top, both in Schools, Houses, and in the Streets.

In every Country house where you come, you shal see the first thing the good man seeketh or enquireth for in the morning, is his horne to draw on his shooes, and for assurance of not missing it, [Page] hath it oftentimes made fast to a poste with a chaine. Nay Tom of Bedlam is mad when he wanteth his horne. How long might the Sow-gelder walke both City and Country ere any one knew him from another man, except his horne proclaime him, and then all looke out. Who dare stay a Poste upon the high way, when once he joynes his horne to his head and windes it. It is a hang­ing matter. Many dainty Dames have I seene sewing with horne Thimbles on their fingers, when they have either sold, pawned, lost or laid by their silver ones. Many Bakers when they are rea­dy to set their Oven, put the horne to their head to warne their customers in. How many a gallant Gentleman riding a hunting both in field and forrest, hath a horne about his necke in a silke string or scarfe, which when hee hath lost his sport, windeth his horne both loud and shrill, the meaning whereof the envious dogges well know, and by nature are forced to obey, willingly, cheerfully and speedily come to their game: but first the hunts­man must set the horne to his head, or else it hath no vertue to worke this effect. For the horne and the head have a speciall re­lation one to the other.

What Round head or Rattle head may then compare with the horned head? They trouble a Common­wealth, these benefit it sundry wayes, as you see.

How many aged persons of all degrees, both men and women, are beholding to the horne, which they place in the midst of their faces, not farre from the place where they should grow, to hold up a paire of spectacles, when their eyes grow dim: whereby their sight is so renewed, that they can discerne the smallest Atome, or mote in the Sun beames?

What man or boy scorneth to carry an Inkhorne in his pocket to serve him upon all needfull occasions?

Some have beene so proud they would not, but have had their Clerkes to carry them after them, but after this contempt they have proved delinquents, and came short of Westminster.

[Page]Nay the Drunkard himselfe often conveyes so much good li­quor to his head with the horne, that he is not able to come home without the helpe of another, which is a Lanthorne to keepe him from falling in the kennell, or justling every post he meets with.

How many sorts of fine spoons are made of horne, with which we need not be ashamed to sup as good broth or pottage as Giles Calfine ever seasoned or crumb'd?

In North-Holland there is a renowned City stiled by the name of Horne, famous through the world for shipping, merchandise, and trading.

Lastly, there is in some hornes a wonderfull vertue: the Harts horne hath power to expell poison, and is excellent for use in painting and liming.

But who is able to expresse the vertue of the Unicornes horne; one of them being valued above a Kings Ransome.

Well Husband, your Reasons have overcome mee; neither I, nor any honest woman, is able to gain-say them: There­fore I give my free consent unto you, to weare hornes unto your dying day.

I thanke you loving wife, you have now given me full content, according to my hearts desire. But yet to set forth at large the whole benefit and commodity of hornes, would bee tedious: Therefore to conclude with that which hath been spo­ken, wishing no man to despise the Horne: For the proudest hee whosoever he be, may (by chance) or must (of necessity) use or weare the horne.