DOMESTICK JESTS, Witty Reparties, &c.
On A-la-mode Towers.
AFacetious Gentleman was one day deeply engaged in discourse with a witty Gentlewoman, who at length was pleas'd to condemn the weakness of her Sex; nay Madam, not so; for if I mistake not, it is easie to prove your Sex stonger than ours; for Sampson (the strongest man living) carried only the Gates of the City on his shoulders, and now adays every strippling Female carries a Tower on her Forehead: To which she very briskly replied; Surely Sir, You have a capacious and a very strong head, that can carry up and down so many Wind-mils,
On the Middle Exchange in the Strand.
IMmediately after the conversion of a Noblemans House into shops, two Gentlemen walking by, saw written over the Entrance, The Middle Exchange; we have enough of these already said the other, which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or curiosity can require; and therefore take away the first letter M. and then the name & nature thereof will both correspond, by reading it The Idle Exchange.
On Whetstones Park.
ONe Gentleman meeting another very early in the morning, who had been a rambling all▪ night; he ask'd him where he had been; the other answered he had been a hunting, where quoth t'other, in Whetstones Park; he replied and a Pox on't I can find never a hair nigh it.
On a Shrew.
A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a Coppy of verses on his Lady who was a very great Shrew; it was promised but not performed, the Lord asking a reason of this delay? said the Author, What need you my Lord desire a Copy when you have the Original? my Lady hearing thereof caused the Chaplain to be discharged and so he paid for his wit.
A mistake.
A Country fellow who had never seen London, was abused one day by some young Clerks of an Inn of Chancery, who thereupon complained to the Principal of the house in this manner; I have been much abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this house, and being informed you are the Principal, I thought good to acquaint you therewith.
Cuckolds all a Row.
A Company of Neighbours that dwelt all in a Row on one side of the street, were resolved to be merry with their Wives; said one, they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side, but one, hereupon his was in her dumps, how now sweethart said he, why so sad? I am not sad said she, but I am studying who the one of our Neighbours it should be that is not a Cuckold.
A Cuckold on record.
A Citizen being made a Cuckold by his Neighbour, brings his Action against the Party, and lays it quod Clausum fregit & domum intravit, &c. the business coming to a Tryal, the Jury bring in a verdict for the Plaintiff, and a Mark damages, the tryal over, he stept to the Jury, saying, you see I am contented to enter my self a Cuckold on record, you might have considered it is very likely to be your own case; & yet you give me but a Mark dammage, well I hope to see you all so marked for your pains.
A mistake.
A Lady sent her servant to the Play-house to know what play was acted that day, the fellow asking the question, he was answered go tell your Lady 'Tis pitty She is a Whore, the fellow misunder-standing and thinking this was spoke of his Lady and not the Play; replyed, 'tis pity such a parcel of Rogues, Rascals, and idle Sons of Whores should be suffered to abuse honest Women after this manner.
Another.
ANother seeing in a Play-bill upon a post A great man gull'd, and underneath by his Majesties servants, Read it thus; A great man gulld by his Majesties servants, adding to it these words, By my soul as true a thing as ever was writ.
On Ʋsury.
A Parson having in his Sermon much inveighed against Usury, saying it was a sin as bad as wilful Murder; a little after wanting mony, he went to one of his Parishoners and desired the loane of twenty pounds gratis for three months; this person remembring the Parsons Sermon, said, truly Sir, If to lend Money upon Ʋse he in your Opinion as great a sin as Murder, in my Opinion to lend Money gratis, is a greater sin than Man-slaughter.
On Mr. Church.
A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimny corner in the Winter time drinking of a pot of Ale, askt the question, whether any of the company ever see a Chimny in a Church; no (said one) but I now see a Church in a Chimny corner.
▪On the same man.
MR. Church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with child, and withall, so big, that he could not choose but wonder every time he lookt upon her; you need not wonder (said his friend) doe you not know your Wife hath a Church in her belly?
Ʋpon Mr. Herring,
THere was one Mr. Herring, who notwithstanding his pious function was reputed a good fellow; one day returning home after a sound fuddle, chanced to fall in the kennel, and very much bedaub'd himself, a Gentleman▪ passing that way which knew him, took him up, saying, indeed Mr. Herring I am very sorry to see you in such a sad and wofut pickle.
On a Gentleman and the Pump in Chancery-lane.
A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern, came reeling out up Chancery-lane, and chanced to reel within the rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was tired; [Page 6] whereupon leaning on the rail he askt one that passed by where he was, he told him over against the Chancery: I thought so (said he) and that's the reason I think I shall never get out of this place
On an old Gentlewoman.
AN antient Gentlewoman desirous to be believed young, was telling some company one day that she was but nine and thirty years of age; one standing by whispered another in the ear saying, surely she must be more then fifty: to which he replyed, you may believe what you please, but I must believe what she saith is a truth, she having told me so this ten years.
On a Country Cuckold.
A Gentleman had kept another mans wife company so long till he began to be tyred with her, and the sooner to be rid of her, got a friend to proffer her husband three hundred pound to take her again; he seemed a verse to the proposition, whereupon he was advised to take her, and the money; and then whereas other Cuckolds wear their horns plain, he might wear his gilt.
On a man and his Wife being in bed together.
A Man and his wife being in bed together, towards morning she pretended her self ill at ease, desiring to lye on her husbands side; the good man to please her, came over, making some short stay in his [Page 7] passage; she had not layn long, but desired to lye in her own place again, quoth he, how can this be done? she answered come over me again: I had rather said he go half a mile about.
A Chancery Quibble.
IN Chancery one time when the Councel of the Parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question by the plot; the Councel of one part said we lye on this side my Lord, and the Councel of the other side said, and we lye on this side; the Lord Chancellor then in being stood up saying, If you lye on both sides, whom will you have me to believe?
On carrying money out of this world.
A Citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his Creditors ears, farewel said one there is so much of mine gone with him; and he carried so much of mine said another; one hearing them make their severall complaints, said, well, I see now that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a great deal of other mens.
On a want on young Maid, and an old man.
AN old man having married a young maid (as was supposed) seemed very jolly, but the Bride very melancholy & sad; one of the guests observing it, bid her be merry; and for her better comfort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travel [...] to which she replied, stroking [Page 8] down her belly with her hands, but not in this rode. (supposed common.)
On a foolish Gentleman on Horseback.
A Foolish Gentleman yet a man dignified with no mean title, was riding one day with his Footman attending, (who was an arch Crack) the fellow not following so close as he should, was rebuked by his master, and called a thousand strange names, as whoresegg, Hounds-foot, Devils Spawn, and the like; this so nettled the footman, that making what speed he could, got up within reach of his master, and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth, flung it as hard as he could against his masters back, and instantly thereupon stooping, he scratcht his leg; his master turning about askt him what was the matter; the matter, quoth he pox take your horse for kicking, I doubt he hath lamed me; prithee (said the Gentleman) be no more angry then I am, for at the same time he kickt me on the back.
Ʋpon two modern Poets.
TWo Actors, the one of the Kings, and the other of the Dukes house talking jocosely one with the other; said the one, in troth Ned thy whole life is so cramm'd with merry manick humors, that if well compiled, it would be the subject of an excellent Comedy; to which the other replyed, thy life is stuft with such subtile damn'd plots & Roguery, that it would make a very deep Tragedy, if the Poet were mindful of making thee hang thy self at the latter end of it.
On a Player.
ONe of the Nursery in Barbican had borrowed a Play-book of a Bookseller, called the Wits, and was by agreement to return it at such a time, or loose the money he left in lue thereof; laying it somewhere careless at Rehearsal, it was missing; nor could it be found, which made our Actor swear and damn after a mad rate, not so much for the loss of the Book I guess, as for fear he should loose his Mortgaged shilling, (a considerable Sum in dearth of money;) one hearing him rore after this hellish manner, askt what was the matter, nothing, nothing, (said a stander by) but that Our Brother hath lost his Wits.
On Bribery.
A Suit of Law being referred to a Gentleman; the Plaintiff who had the equity of the Cause on his side, presented him with a new Coach, and the Defendant sent him a couple of brave horses; the Gentleman liking the Horses better then the Coach, gave sentence on the Defendants side; the Plaintiff calls to him, and asketh him how it came to pass the Coach went out of the right way; he replyed he could not help it, for the Horses had drawn it so.
On a drunken Gallant.
A Mad crew went to a Tavern with a (devilish) resolution to be damnable drunk; one being more over-powred then the rest, spewed perpetually; and [Page 10] seeing that he could no longer bear them company, called for a reckoning; why (said one) cannot you tell that, that have so often cast up what you drunk? no marry I cannot; (said he) for I was so busie in casting up the account, that I did not mind the reckoning.
On a poor Poet.
A Poor Poet being engaged among some Virtuosi in a Coffee-house, talkt a little at random, (as well he might being bare without, and empty within) it being taken notice of by a cunning Quibbler, he askt him where his wits were? To which he answerd, That if they were not in Pye-Corner, they were certainly gone a Wool-gathering.
On a Mercer and a Gentlewoman.
A young boyish finniken Mercer after he had sold a Gentlewoman (small in stature) some commodities thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse, sumon'd all his faculties to talk all he had at once, at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces, alledging the man-like countenance was designed originally for the warrs, and the other for Ladyes service; pish (said she) give me the face that looks like a man, the other is not worth a hair.
Another on the same person.
AT another time he applyed himself to this Gentlewoman in his accustomed Bumbazeen expressions, and not knowing what to say, began to praise this [Page 11] Gentlewoman above measure, for no other reason but that she was little; nay Sir (said she) if that be all the grounds for your commendation, I shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same esteem of your wit as you have of my person.
On a Lawyers Clerk.
ONe seeing an Answer in Chancery written five words in a line, and not above ten lines in a folio page, askt why they were writ so wide; one answered it was done to keep the peace, for if the Plaintiff should be in one line and the Deffendant in the other, the lines being too near, they would go together by the ears.
On a common strumpet.
AN indigent Gentleman was perswaded to marry a Prostitute, for no other reason then that she was rich & perhaps might turn; turn (said the Gentleman) she hath been so much worn, that she is past turning.
On a deboist fellow.
A Very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels, and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen, said that he hath been on the very top of Teneriff (which is accounted one of the highest Hills in the world;) one askt him why he did not stay there, for he was perswaded he would never be so near Heaven again.
On burnt Claret.
ONe being prest to drink off a cup of burnt Claret e fused it, saying, he could not do it; being askt the reason, he said, because it was red hot.
On a Tallow-Chandlers shop.
A Tallow-Chandlers shop being rob'd one night, the next day he went to a friend to tell him his condition; who heard him relate his loss with tears; pish (said his friend) be not troubled, I'le undertake your goods shall come to light.
On a disobedient Wife.
A Handsom woman, but dishonest, was frequently reproved by a Relation for her levity and disobedience, frequently inculcating, that her husband was her head, and therefore should both love & obey him: in a little time she undid her Husband, and was forced to fly for it; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions; pray forbear (said and meddle with your own business, I have injured none (said she) but my self, and that is by breaking my own head.
On Mr. Gun.
THere was one Mr. Gun was carried before a Magistrate for abusing a woman with scandalous words, by whom he was checkt, and commanded to [Page 13] to do so no more: upon his return the woman told to him, Mr. Gun, you heard what was said to you, I hope your Gun being so deeply charged you will henceforward give a better report.
On speaking non-sense.
A Pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talking significant enough, interrupted him in his discourse, and said that he loved to hear a man talk non-sense with all his heart; it seems so said the other; and that is the reason you love to hear your self talk so much.
On a living Warming-pan.
A Citizen that was more tender of himself then wife, usally in cold weather made her goe to bed first, and when he thought her plump but tocks had sufficiciently warmed his place, he then came and removed her out of it lay in it himhelf; and to make himself merry, called her his Warming-pan; she not being able to indure this indignity any longer, one night (Sir Reverence) she did shit a bed; he leaping into it, and finding himself in a stinking condition, cryed out O wife I am beshit, no Husband, says she, it is but a Coal dropt out of your Warming-pan.
On a Lord Mayor whose name was Waterman.
ONe of the Sherriffs being sick, my Lord was forced to ride with one Sheriff, which occasioned my Lord to say, that a Lord Mayor riding with one [Page 14] Sherriff vvas like a Sovv vvith one ear; your pardon my Lord said the Sherriff, I think It is more like a Waterman with one skull.
A witty revenge.
A Certain person lately attempted violating the honor of a very virtuous Gentlevvoman by this stratagem, as they vvere alone together he pretended his back itcht, and therefore desired the Genlevvoman to scratch it, who suspecting nothing, consented, in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely shewed what Nature would and modesty must hide, saying, Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a Cat who being scratcht on the back will play with her tail: the Gentlewoman all in confusion, furiously flung from him and with much indignation related the affront to her husband, who bid her not disquiet herself, and he would very speedily find out a way to to be revenged, and thus it was; he invited him one day to dinner, and to remove all suspition he entertained him very liberally, having dined he took him to the Balcony, where having discoursed him a while, at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over, which was a great height from the ground, saying, if you have the nature of a Cat, no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs.
On one saying H is no letter.
A Gentleman amongst Company was relating a Jest of a Servitor in the University, who was commanded by his Master to goe down to the [Page 15] Kitchin and heat some meat, who instead thereof did eat it, justifying the act by saying, H non est litera; how said a stander by, is H no letter? I am sorry for that, for my name being Hill, 'twill be then very Ill.
On Kitching stuff.
AN arch young wagg hearing one morning the cry of Kitchin-stuff, called the woman to him, askt her what she cryed? Kitchin-stuff said she, what's that quoth he? she repli'd it was that that dropt from flesh: say you so said he, call to morrow and I will furnish you with some; the next morning she came, and this Wagg in the mean time had prepared a pot half full of sir reverence—the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused, and began to be angry; nay, nay says the young man you have no cause for passion, have I not fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what dropt from flesh? it is very true she said, and now I think on't your flesh appears to me very dry (and stroaking his face with her sh—hand) wants alittle greasing, and stands in need I think of basting too.
On a Prodigal.
ONe asked a profuse Gallant why he would sell his Land; he replyed, because he was novv on his journey tovvards Heaven, where he could not arrive till he had forsaken the Earth.
On a handsom poor Whore.
TWo seeing a handsome young Wench pass by them whom they knevv many grains too light, but very poor; one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare: it is no wonder said the other for she is common.
On Mistress Cunney.
THere vvas a Gentlevvoman named Cunny, vvho vvas of a free jolly yet innocent disposion; a Gentleman chanced to take lodgings in the same house vvhere she lay vvhose name vvas Parsley; being askt one day hovv he liked Mrs. Cunney; very vvell said he, but I like her much better were Mrs Cunney stuft with Parsley.
On the letters B. and C.
ONe asked vvhy B stood before C? because said another, A man must Be before he can See.
On a man short and crooked.
A Crooked Dwarf passing along the streets, said one look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of prodigious height; vvho doe you mean said the other that Dwarf? I that Dwarf if you call him so said the other; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this City.
On an ignorant young lass.
A young Lass espving a young mans testicles hang out of his breeches, that were broken in the seat, ask [...] him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was [...] my Purse quoth he, thy Purse quoth she, then I am [...] my Purse is cut.
On a swearing drunken Dyer.
[...] drunken Dyer complained to a serious pious Neighbour of his, that whatsoever he under took to dye came commonly by a mischance; to which the other replyed that the only way to have this amended was, speedily to amend himself, for he that lived ill could never dye well.
On lyes in Print.
ONe asked another why men were not content to tell lyes, but they must publish them in print, the reason is apparent said the other, because when they lye, do most desire to lie in sheets.
On Gentlemen and Apprentices.
ONe asked what should be the reason that Prentices were so apt to quarrel with Gentlemen upon a small occasion, because said the other they are glad of any occasion to knock them for Knocking their Mistresses.
Three Scholars baffled.
THree young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry, it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long Gray beard looked into the room whom as soon as they had espied, to show their wit, saluted him with the name of Father Abraham, the other with Isaac, and the third with Jacob; I am (said the Gentleman) neither Father Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, but Saul the son of Kish, who went out to seek his Fathers Asses, & here I find them, & here I leave them.
On a young Gentlewoman of Maidenhead, and an old man.
A Young Bucksome Gentlewoman was very much perswaded to leave a Town called Maidenhead, and to go into the Country, to marry a rich man, old and impotent, which she refused; being asked the reason, said she, I am resolved to live in Maidenhead a little longer, for as yet I have no mind to go to Graves-end.
A Maidens witty resolve.
A Young Maid coming fresh out of the Countrey, was courted by a Person of Quality, whom she understood was poxt; he daily wooed her, and promised her marriage; she refused, and being asked the reason, why she (that was meanly born) would not marry one, that would not only enrich her, but enoble her blood? I will not, said she, corrupt my Flesh to better in Blood for ever a Prince in Christendom.
On a witty Contabrigian Preacher.
A Wit at Cambrige in King James his time, was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the Heads of the University who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour, and thereupon took this place of Scripture for his text, What? Cannot ye watch one hour? At every devision he concluded with his Text, which by reason of the Vice-Chancellors sitting so near the Pulpit, often awaked him; this was so noted by the Wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour, that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Canterbury, who willing to redress him sent for this Scholar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge, where coming he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit that the Arch-Bishop enjoined him to preach before King James, after some excuses he at length condescended, and coming into the Pulpit, begins James the first and the sixth; Waver not; not meaning the first King of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the King was somewhat amazed at the Text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his Chaplains in ordinary; after this advancement, the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambridge, to make his Recantation to the Vice-Chancellor, and to take leave of the University; which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the Verse of the former Text, Sleep on now and take your rest, having an excellent Sermon, he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancelour, and concluded thus, whereas I said before, (which gave offence) What cannot you watch an hour? I say now, sleep on, and take your rest, and so left the University.
On a Doctor and a Nobleman.
A Learned and charitable Doctor having made (for the benefit of the Country wherein he dwelt) a large Causey, whilst he was overseeing his work, a Nobleman of his acquantance chanced to ride that way; who seeing the Dr. saluted him kindly, thinking to jeer him into the bargain; Dr. (quoth he) for all your pains and expences, I suppose this is not the High-way to Heaven: I think (replyed the Dr.) you have hit the nail on the head, for if it had, I should have wondred to have met your Lordship here.
A visit to a sick person.
A Gentleman that was very faint-hearted, fell sick, whereupon his friend went to visit him, and found him so shamefully afraid of death, that he had not patience to stay with him, for all his words were ah! ah! ha! what shall I do, have I no friend in the world that will dispatch me from this grief and pain? reiterating it over and over, hereupon his friend, to try him, drew his sword, and clapping it to his breast, said, yes you have me your friend left, who will instantly do you that kindness; the Sick person startled hereat, cryed out, hold friend, hold; though I have a desire to be rid of my pains, yet I have no such mind to be rid of my life.
On a Church called St. Bennets-sheerhog.
A Minister having preached in the Parish of St. Bennets Sheerhog above half a year and yet received nothing from the Church-wardens, harkned out for another Benefice, and quickly found one vacant; now to the intent that he might not leave them abruptly, he civily told them of his intention, and that he would give them a Farewell Sermon, though they had not deserved it from him; Having reproved them severly for their enormities at the conclusion; he speak something in relation to the Parish and Parishioners in words to this effect: Beloved I understand that the name of this Parish is Bennets-Sheerhog, and I presume very well it may, for my part I haue shewed you, above six months without reward, and therefore may say, Hogs I found you, and Hogs I leave you, but the Devil sheer you.
On an Essex man.
A plain Country fellow born in Essex comming to London (which place he never saw before) as he walkt the streets he espied a rope hanging at a Merchants door with a handle at it, wondring what it should mean, he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro, at length pulling it hard he heard a Bell ring; it so hapned that the Merchant being near the door, went himself and demanded what the fellow would have; nothing Sir said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What Countryman are you said the Merchant? An Essex [Page 22] man can't please you replyed the other. I thought so quoth the Merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a Calf; It may be so replyed the Country man; but I Think that a man can no sooner ring a Bell in London but a Cuckold looks out presently.
Ʋpon a close-stool.
A Gentlewoman cheapning of a Cloostool, and bidding too little for it; the Trunk-maker to perswade her to give more desired her to look on the good ness of the Lock and Key; as for that, quoth the Gentlewoman I value not, for I purpose to put nothing into it, but what I Care not who steals out,
On Sore eyes.
A Gentleman having Sore eyes, occasioned by ebriety, was advised by his Physician to forbear drinking of wine; but he said, he neither could nor would forbear it, maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body, then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation.
On a galloping Gallant.
A Gentleman riding three quarters speed towards Tame near Oxford, askt one upon the road whethat was the way to Tame? Yes Sir he replyed, to tame your horse if he were as wild as the Devil.
On a Country Coxcomb.
A Country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the Monkeys dance upon the ropes; why said his Wife, it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such bables; O quoth he, I could have gone thither with my Neighbour Hobson on foot like a fool as I was, and I might have rid back upon my Neighbour Jobsons Mare like an Ass as I am.
On one named Sampson.
SOme Gentlemen being in a Tavern as they were in the height of their jollity, in came a freind of theirs whose name was Sampson; a ha! said one we may be now securely merry, fearing neither Serjeant or Bailiff, for if a thousand of such Philistins came here is Sampson who is able to braine them all; to whom Sampson replyed, Sir, I may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your Jaw bones.
On a wanton young Gallant.
A Gentleman seeing a very prety maid with her Valentine pin [...]d on her sleeve, in tending to play the Wag with her, askt, if her Wastcoat was to be let? yes Sir said she to be let alone; I am content said he, to let your Wastcoat alone, but not your Pettcoat.
On a wanton Wife.
A Gentlewoman to be in the fashion, must needs (like her neighbours) have a friend or Gallant besides her husband; having singled out one day one (whom she thought fit for her purpose, privately she told him how dearly she loved him; above all men her husband chancing to over-hear her; said Sr believe her not; for she hath told me many times this seven years, and God knows how many more besides,
On a pur-blind Gentleman.
A Gentleman that was purblind, or din-sighted, hapned against his will to affront another person of quality, who thereupon challenged him the Field; the other returned him this answer: that his eyes were weak and could not indure the light, and therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fighting him in the open Field; but as a Gentleman he desired him not to desire ods, and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark Celar, and to dispatch the quarrel, pitcht upon no other weapon but an Hatchet; This strange challenge so pleased the Gentleman, that instead of fighting, they became very good friends.
On Dunscomb and Cox.
MR. Durscom, and one Mr. Cox living near one the other in the Country, fell out about five foot of ground, and nothing must serve but the Law [Page 25] to decide the controversie: to't they went, and sued one another so long, that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in forma pauperis; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious, to the utter ruine of each other; said thus, Gentlemen, there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights, the fault is not in the Law, but in you and such like, who delight in long and tedious, suits to the destruction of their own and anothers family. But to the business in hand; here is five foot of land in controversie between you, and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety, wherefore my Sentence shall be, that the five foot of land be equally divided; and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too, take Come and put it to Cox; then your name will be Dunce, and his Coxcomb; and so gave order for their names to be registred on Record.
On two Apprentices.
A Tradesman having servants, observed one to ramble at nights; and watching him one time, lockt him out, and took the the keyes up with him; the ramble being over home came this Apprentice, and knocking at the door, could get no entrance; whereupon he earnestly beg'd his fellow servant to let him in; introth Tom I cannot (said he) my master hath the keys, and I dare not ask them of him: but if you will go to him your▪ elf 'tis ten to one he will let you in.
On a Gentile Bona Roba.
A Gentlewoman of greater beauty then chastity, standing in a Balcony, was gazed on by a Fop-gallant that had as little wit and manners, as she had honesty, in his long stairing her in the face, he made some abusive signs, which forced her to withdraw; hereupon this Gentleman, askt her whether the Sun offended her, and so drove her thence yes (said she,) the Sun of thy Mother.
A witty repartie.
A Gentleman having a very sore nose a long time, was askt by his friend how it was; truly said he, it hath been very bad, but now it was pretty Current; I think so too says the other, for 'tis always running.
On a travelling Lady.
A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels, was interrupted by a Lady who said she had travelled farther then him; if so Madam says he as Travellers, we may lye together by authority.
On a Baker.
A Journy-man Baker watcht his opportunity, and a stole a Neighbours Goose, which he perceiving, cryed out as the Baker was running, Baker, Baker; I will, I will said he. Being served with a Warrant, he told the Justice his Neighbour bid him bake her, as he did; but not coming to eat her, he did eat her himself.
On two Doctors.
AS two Doctors were walking, an unhappy Baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads, one of them hereat grew angry, says t'other we are Phisitians but let us be Patients; and calling to her; said, are you not ashamed for your impudence to cast water before two well known Doctors, when it is none of your Profession.
A wise reply.
SAys a Lord, my friend, I should know thee, yes says he, I am one of your Lordships Tennants, my name is F. L. O. says the Lord, I remember there were two Brothers of you, one is dead, but which is that that is alive? It is I my Lord, says he.
On a young Peevish Wife.
A Young man married a cross piece of flesh, who not contented though her husband was very kind, made continuall complaints to her Father, to the great griefe of both Familyes; the husband being no longer able to indure this Scurvy humour, banged her soundly: hereupon she complained to her father, understanding well the perversness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her sides soundly; saying, go and commend me to your husband, and tell him I am now even with him, for I have cudgeled his Wife, as he hath beaten my Daughter.
Wit in a Constable.
IN the last great Plague time, a Constable heard a woman beating of her Husband; whereupon he ran immediately and set a Cross on the door, and a watchman to attend, being askt the reason; he said a greater Plague under Heaven could not befall a man then him for to be beaten by his wife.
On Chatting Women.
A Fellow hearing one say according to the Jtalian Proverb that three women make a Market with their chatting, nay then said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a Faire.
On a Proctor.
ONe askt his friend what such a one was that was then in company, the other replyed he was a Proctor, and had done some business of his Wifes; you mistake said the other, he doth not thy wifes business, but doth thy business on thy wife.
On a light House-wife
A Red nosed man and his wife being invited to Supper, was intreated going home to take a light with him being very dark, it needs not said the man, for my nose and my Wife are light enough.
A false Complaint.
A Taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him nothing: you lye like a Rogue said she; I bring you children every year without your help or assistance.
On a Country fellow and his wife.
A Countryman told his wife 'twas her fault that his Daughter played the whore for she should have lock her up, lock me no locks says she, the Devil take that key that cannot undo that look.
On a Godfather.
UPon the christning of a child, said the Husband to his pretendedly religious Wife, my Dear who dost think hath promised to be Godfather? I know not quoth she? why e'ne Thom. Alcock: O the Father! Will he be here, says she?
On a Waterman.
A Gentleman hired a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs, which he did, but it was in the mud; which the Gentleman grew angry and would not pay him a farthing, saying, my bargain was to land me at Temple-stairs, but is Puddle-dock.
On a Gentleman and his Maid servant.
A Gentleman having a very handsome servant, and as he verily concluded a Maid, sollicited her to lie with him; but she refused; at last it came to this, that all she feared was he would hurt her; he told her no: she said, if he did she would cry out; all being finisht; la you there said he, did I hurt you? or did I cry out; says she? Her Mrs. not long after perceived her puking▪ and askt her whether she was not with child; charging her home, she confest, and that it was her Master got it, where said she? in the Trucklebed; where was I then? in the High-bed forsooth a sleep; O you Whore why did you not cry out; why forsooth (said she) had you been in my condition would you have done so?
A witty reply
ONe Mr. Eaton making one day a plentifull feast, amongst other dishes he had a Goose, which those at the upper end of the table had so mangled, that there was nothing left in a manner but the Skeleton; however Mr. Eaton in civility askt some at the lower end, whether they would eat any Goose: one taking it as a trick put upon them; said, no Sir, I thank you, here is plenty of other food to feed on? for your Goose is Eaton.
On Mr. Buck and Mr. Cook.
MR. Buck invited Mr. Cook to dinner, who was a clownish Gentleman, to a Venison Pasty; at [...] Mr. Cook was pleased (though uncivily) to [...] Mr. Buck, in troth your Buck is ill season'd, and but half baked; it may be so said he, but yet Buck is good meat; but what says the Proverb, God sends meat, but the Devil sends Cooks.
On Two witty Gentlemen.
TWo Gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit, one had much the better on't, and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy, that the company taking notice of it, fell a laughing; saying, that he was muck dead at a blow, as Sampson did the Ph [...]ins; to which the other briskly replyed, I think so [...], and by the same means, for [...] that blow by a Jaw bone of an Ass.
On a Doctor and a Country fellow.
A Farmer being consumptive, came with his wife to a Doctor, [...] advised him to drink Asses milk every morning; saying moreover, that if he could not get [...], the Farmer should come to him; why Husband said the Wife doth the Doctor give suck?
On Chambers and Garret.
ONe Mr. Chambers, and Mr. Garret riding by Tyburn; says Mr. Chambers, here is a brave Tenement if it had a Garret; I wonder says Mr. Garret you should talk so idly; there must first be Chambers before there can be any Garret.
A pleasant reparty of a vertuous Gentlewoman.
A Gentlewoman sitting carelesly by a fire side, sate stradling, her husband in a pleasant humour told her that her Cabinet stood open: say you so said she, why don't you lock it then? for I am sure that none keeps the keys, but your self?
On a Cuckold.
A Gentlewoman delighting in plurality of Lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two Gentlemen who loved one another entirely, but were unacquainted with each other loves; one of them having lain with this Gentlewoman one night, lost his ring in the bed, which the other found the next night after; the day following, the other sees it on his friends finger; after a great many arguings about it, they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues; the Gentleman demands his ring, the other refuses; at last it was agreed, that it should be left to the next commer by, who should have the ring; it chanced to be the husband of this woman, who understanding the whole matter, adjudged the Ring should belong to him who own'd the sheets; marry then said they, for your excellent judgement you shall have the Ring.
On a Scholar declaming.
A Scholar in a Colledg-Hall declaming, having a bad memory, was at a stand, whereupon in a low voice he desired one that stood close by to help him out; no says the other, methinks you are out enough already.
On a lewd Woman.
A Poor harmless man was continually abused by a scolding wife; and such was her impudence that she would call him Cuckold a hundred times together, a Ninny standing by▪ and hearing it, said what a fool he was to let his Wife know he was a Cuckold.
On a Country Gentleman.
A Country Gentleman riding down Corn-Hill, his horse stumbled & threw him clearly into a shop; the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman, not tobearing smiling, (seeing there was no hurt done) askt him, whether his horse used so to serve him, yes said he when he comes just against a Cuckols door; then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side.
On a Dog named Cuckold.
A Man and his Dog (named Cuckold,) going together in the evening, returning home, the Dog ran in a doors first; O Mother says the boy Cuckold [...] c [...]me; nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure.
On small Beer.
ONe said, (drinking small Beer) that it was dead; it is very likely said another, for it was very weak when I was here last.
On a fellow in the Stocks.
WHat a sad condition am I in, said a fellow in the Stocks? I can see over the wood, under the wood, and through the wood, but can't get out of the Wood
A mistake.
ONe running into a Neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to swound; alas, said the other I wish you had come a little sooner; for I just now threw away a whole Kittle full.
On a Scrivener.
A Scriveners man reading a bill of Sale to his Master; said, according to forme I do demise, grant and to farme let and sell all my Lands—but on sudden the Cough took him, that a present he could not read a word more; at which his Master being angry, bid him read on with a Pox; at which words he went on, To you, your Heirs, and their Heirs for ever.
On Katherin-Hall in Cambridge.
AN ancient Gentlewoman had a Nephew a Scholar in Katherin-Hall in Cambridge, and meeting one day his Tutor, she askt him how her Nephew behaved himself? truly Madam (said he) he is a great student and holds close to Katherin-Hall; I vow (said she) I feared as much, for the boy was ever given to wenches from his Infancy.
On Phanaticks.
ONe Phanatick said to another, that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent; how said the other I hope it was not on Good-Friday, as they call it; no said the other, but it was on Ash-Wednsday as they call is▪ why that's as bad said the other; but hear the truth Brother I did eat so much on Shrove Tuesday as they call it, that I could not eat a bit the day after.
On a Seaman.
A Seaman unaccustomed to ride, was mounted on a curvetting horse, which reard a loft; hey day quoth he I never expected to have met with billows that be thus tost on land before.
On a fatman and a leane Horse.
A Fat man riding on a leane Horse was askt why he was so fat, and his hose so lean? said he, I took to my self but my man to my horse.
An ingenious complaint.
A Foolish Wench meerly out of revenge complained to a Justice, that such a man would have ravisht her; what did he doe says he? he tied my hands so fast I could not stirr them; and what else? Why Sr. said she, he would have tied my legs too, but I had the wit to keep them far enough asunder.
A merry conceit.
A Man having a candle in his hand, said, by this light wife I dreamed last night thou madest me a Cuckold: she having a piece of bread in her hand, said, by this bread Husband but I did not: eat the bread then says he, nay (says she) eat you the candle, for you swore first.
A mistake.
A Gentleman riding near the Forrest of Whichwood in Oxford-shire, askt a fellow what that Wood was call'd? he said, Which-wood Sr. Why that Wood said the Gentleman: Whichwood Sr: Why that Wood I tell thee; he still said Which-wood; I think said the Gentleman thou art as senseless as the Wood that grows there, it may be so replyed the other, but you know not Which-wood.
On two in a Tavern.
ONe Gentleman desired another to drink more then his stomack would bear, and therefore he refused, the other swore if he did not drink off that glass, he would run him through; nay rather then that said the other, I will run my self through, and pledge you after wards, and so running through the door downstairs, left the other to pay the reckoning.
On a Dog-killer.
A Man walking with a Pike-staff in his hand, it chanced that a Dog came running at him open mouth'd; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the Pike down his throat, and killed him; the Dogs master askt the fellow why he did not save his Dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff? so I would said he if he had run at me with his tail.
On a Painter.
ONe askt a Painter how he could draw such excellent Pictures, and yet get such ugly children? it is (said he) because I make the one in the night, and the other in the day.
On a little Wife.
ONe asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature? O friend said he, of-all evills the least is to be chosen.
On a Gentlewoman whose name was Field.
A Gentleman walking early in the morning, met his friend coming from his Mistress, whose name was Field; Sr. said he, how came you in this wet pickle? In troth Sr. I am thus bedewed by coming over younder Field; nay, said the other, I had rather believe it was by lying all night in yonder Field.
On a great Wine-drinker.
A Gentlman that was a great Tavern hunter, askt his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine; the other refused, saying, his face was red enough already, and drinking wine would make it worse, a pox on that face (quoth the other) that makes the whole body fare the worse.
Another said, that was a very great drinker, when he dyed he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following, at these Taverns: ten pound at the Wonder in Ludgate-street for honest men and no Brewers; ten pound at the Castle for Military men, ten pound at the Miter for Clergy men, ten pound at the Horn Tavern for Citizens, and ten pound at the Divell tavern for Lawyers.
On a Bastard and a Legitimate.
ONe having two sons, one legitimate and the other illegitimate, he made the Bastard his Hei [...]he Fathe [...] [...] [...], the [...] falling out, [Page 39] the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth, true said he, I did, but it was to keep you out of the house.
Another Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man, as to his own Father; yes said he but I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to chuse you such a Father, then to your Father to chuse you such a Mother.
On a Gamester borrowing money.
A Gamester borrowed five pound of a Gentleman, lost it at play; thereupon sent to borrow five pound more by the token that he owed him already five pound; Pray (said the Gentleman) bid your Master send me the token and I le send him the five pound.
On nothing.
A Gallant standing in a maze, a Lady askt him what he was thinking on? he said of nothing; what do you think on said she when you think on nothing? faith, says he, then I think on you and the inconstancy of your Sex.
On an hungry Gentleman.
A Gentleman having been abroad in the fields, came hungry home, and called for his dinner, Sir, said his man it is early day yet, the clock having, but just now struck ten; push, says he, don't tell me of ten by the clock, when it hath struck twelve by my stomach.
On a Drawer.
SOme Gentlemen in a Tavern wanting attendance, one took the pint pot, and threw it down stairs; presently up came a quart; then he flung the quart down, and up came a pottle, is it so said the Gentleman? then I will have one throw more, and so flung the Drawer down stairs, saying, I will see whether thou wilt come up double too.
On a Constable and a handsome Wench.
A Handsome Wench, and very gentile in habit, was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night; the Justice finding no matter of fact, onely bare suspition in favour of her, bid the Constable take her home to his house for that night; that I shall do Sir, says he, if your worship will be pleased to commit my wife till the morning.
On a Soldier in fight with the Dutch.
A Soldier being quartered at a Gun, an unhappy shott came in at the Porthole and took off his leg; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye, 'praythee Gunner said he, take it up and clap it into the Gun, and send it among those roguing Dutch, that it may kick their arses for the injury they have done its master.
Another.
THe same man had the hard fortune to loose in the folloing engagement, not only the other leg, but both his arms, as he was carrying down to the Chyrurgeon he called to his Captain, Sir, said he, if you live and I live, pray tell His Majesty, that he hath a faithfull subject, who in his service hath lost both his Arms and Legs, so that he is incapable to serve him further, however he hath left a loyall heart, which shall ever pray for the welfare of his Majesty.
On a Lancashire Man.
A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate, they stopt him; but he would not be stopt, for he was in hast: they still detaining him, he askt them what they were? the watch, said they; the watch quoth he, what watch you for? the King said they, (meaning the Kings watch) for the King quoth he, then by my troth I can bring very good witness that I am no such man; for II's een Billy Noddy's son of Lancashire.
On a Doctor.
A Doctor in a Coffee-house talking of many things, happened at last to averr all bitter things were naturally hot; not so Mr Doctor said a stander by, why so said the Doctor? why I'le appeal to all the learned Phisicall Authors, ancient and modern from Noahs time to this present, who all say the quality [Page 42] of bitter things is hot; how will it hold with this then Mr Doctor said the other? and I must appeal to experience, that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather, from whence I gather all bitter things are not hot.
Another.
THe same man a little time after in a Coffee-house hearing a Mercer bounce that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop; nay that I don't believe said this Gentleman; for in your whole shop and and Ware-house I dont think you can show me a pattern of Kitching-stuff.
On a Parson and a Carter.
A Carter chanced to overturn his Cart far from any assistance, so that the poor Fellow was forced to stand by, till he could find some body coming that way, that might help him; at length a Parson came, and thinking to put a joke on the poor Carter, said, how now Carter what I see thou hast killed the Devil; yes in faith master, quoth he, and I have waited this two hours for a Parson to bury him; and now you are come very seasonably▪
On a shoomaker and a Cohler.
A Shoomaker thought to mock a Cobler being black, saying, what news from Hell? How fares the Devil? Faith, says the Cobler, he was just riding forth as I came thence, and pulling on his boots, he complained grievoufly that he was in the Shoomakers stocks, and desired me to send him a Shoomaker to widen his boots, and draw them on for him.
On an Adulterer.
A Married man of good note got a Wench with child, and was told by the Justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his marriage bed; you mistake Sir, said he, there was no defiling of the bed in the matter, for it was done in the field.
Being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his maids bed; you mistake sweet-heart, said he, for she likes the sport so well, that she saves me that labour.
On a Porter and his wife.
A Porter coming home one night complained of the many burdens he carried that day, the woman (though but plain, yet very handsome) replyed, well husband, and I bear my share of burdens too though not so heavy; lets be content, for as we share in the profit, so we will reap the pleasure on't.
On a young Wench.
A Young bucksome baggage with a Candle in her hand was set upon by a hot spurr, who by all means must have a bout with her, but she vowed if he medled with her, she would burn him, will you so (says he) I'le try that, and thereupon blew out the Candle, thinking himself safe from the threat, however not long after he found she was as good as her word.
A Surprize.
A Gentleman being newly trimmed, the Barber left only some hairs on his upper lipp, visiting a Gentlewoman; she innocently said Sir, you have a beard above, and none below; and You, says he Madam have a beard below, and none above, Say you so says she, then put one against t'other.
On a Traveller.
A Traveller in a cold frosly night, coming to his Inn, he stood so near the Kitchin fire, that he burnt his boots; which the Turn-spit boy seeing; said Sir, you will burn your spurs presently; my boots thou meanest Boy; no Sir, said he, they are burned already.
On a forward young woman.
ONe said, I hear your wife is quick already, yes says he, a Pox on her she is very nimble, for I have been married to her but a month, and she is ready to lye down: well, since it is so, I will go and instead of buying one Cradle, I will buy half a score, for I can't have less then ten Children in a twelve month, if she holds on as she begins.
On a young Gentleman, and a Scrivener.
A Young Gentleman wanting a sum of mony, went to a Scrivener, desiring him to lend him an [Page 45] hundred pound privately, that it might not come to his Fathers ear; the Scr [...]vener promised all the secrecey imaginable; the Gentleman receiving the money [...] and going to seal the Bond, read the first line, which was, Know all by these presents that I▪ F. G. do owe unto &c. said the young Gentleman, are not you a damned Rogue, who for the future will believe you, since you promised none should know my debt? and yet you say Know all men by these presents. &c.
On a Drawer.
AT that time when there was an Act that Canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart, a Gentleman in a Tavern called for a pint of that Wine, the Drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth; what mean you by this said the Gentleman? why is it not full said the Drawer, no said the other not by one fourth; Sir it was full I can assure you when I was in the Cellar (quoth the drawer) but to tell you the truth, as I came running I spilt what you see is wanting.
Another.
SIrrah said a Gentleman if thou drawest me good Wine for my money, then thou art fitter to draw then to hang; but if thou drawest me bad Wine for my good money, then thou art fitter to hang then draw.
On Oysters.
ONe being desired to eat some Oysters refused for these reasons, first they were ungodly meat because they were eaten without saying Grace, unchristian meat, because they were eaten a live, uncharitable meat, because they left no offall to the Poor and unprofitabl'd meat, because most commonly there was more spent upon them then they cost, and by their means more spent otherwise then they and the recoking a mounted to.
The Country mans news.
AN arch Country fellow having been at London upon his return was askt by his she Neighbour what news he heard there, news (quoth he) all the news that I heard was that there was a great press out for Cuckolds. Is there so (said she) then to aviod the worst my husband shall not stir out of doors till the press be over.
On a decaied Gentleman.
A Gentleman faln to decay shifted where he could, amongst the rest he visited an old acquaintance and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his Guest, and to be rid of him feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their fare was very slender: the Gentleman perceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to better himself, told them he had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again.
On a womans will.
ONe saying that a married woman had no power to make a will; in troth said another it would be beter for men if they had the priveledge to make a Will when they dye, then for them to usurp a prerogative of having their will the days of their life.
On one Not a Constable.
A Gentleman going home late met with the watch, who bade him come before the Constable, approaching near, which is the Constable, said he▪ I am the Constable said Mr. Not; the Gentleman knowing him by name though [...] otherways▪ said you are Not the Constable Sir, but I am, sa [...] [...] I say you are Not the Constabl [...]; [...] you say I am not the Constable, yo [...] [...] have power to commit you to the [...] he was going the Gentleman turned ba [...]k [...]d [...]d, pray Mr. Not, and Not the [...] [...]e to my Lodging; Mr. N [...] [...] that he se [...] h [...] hom [...] [...]
On anoth [...] [...]
A Light Housewif [...] [...] Not, who [...] [...] [...]ld [...] [...] death these verses [...] on her. [...] Not a Maid, Not [...] Not a Wid [...]w, [...] a [...] She was Not these, and yet she and all fou [...].
On a Drawer Drunk.
ONe seeing a Drawer drunk, said, that the Wine was even with him; for he had pierced the Wines H [...]gs-head, and the Wine had pierced his.
On a Tailor.
ONe said nothing was more valiant then the Collar of a Taylorssh irt, being askt the reason, because [said he] every morning it hath a thief by the neck.
On a Thiefs Confidence.
ONe said that no men had greater confidence in their Country then Thieves because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains.
On a Lawyer riding.
ONe seeing a Lawyer riding on a Dun-horse; look yonder (says he) ' tis the Devil [...] upon Dun.
On a Lawyers will.
A Lawyer being sick made his Will and gave away his estate to Lunatick, Frantick, and Mad-people, being askt why he did so, he answered that from such he received it and to such he would give it again.
On a Farmer Knighted
A Farmer growing very rich, was Knighted, hereupon his wife made her self as [...] as a Lady; which one observing said that the Farmers worship was much too blame in [...]oiling a Good-wife to make a Mad-dame.
On a Pretender to Poetry.
A Pretender to Poetry was rehearsing some verses to one, which he said he made betwixt High-Gate and London as he was [...] on a lame Jade: truly said the other you needed [...]ot [...]o have told me that, for I know by your hobb [...] verses what disease your horse was troubled with.
A Witty saying.
ONe said that the King of Spain was the greatest Potentate of the whole Universe, for he Sacks more Cities and Countrys then all other Princes besides.
On letting a Farm.
ONe having let a Farme by word of mouth to a Tenant that much abused the same, it so nettled him, that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a writing; his wife over hearing the Vow, good Husband (quoth the) recall your words, or else you must have a writing for every [...]art you let.
On a staid Gentleman.
A Discreet staid Gentleman being accidentally in a crowd, got a broken pate, one seeing it, said, see what a suddaine change there is in yonder Gentleman, it was not long since he was lookt upon staid, sober, and discreet, and now he hath gotten a running head.
On a Physitian.
A Physitian was wont to say when he met any friend I am glad to see you well, in troth Sir said one I think you but dessemble, for the world always goes ill with you when it goes well with your friends.
On a younger Brother.
A Knight having three Sons, and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son, told him that necessity forced him to bind him Apprentice, and bid him choose his Trade, the Lad being ingenious told his Father he would be a Tanner, why that nasty trade says he? O Sir replyed the Son, considering the slenderness of your Estate it is most suitable to my condition, for three Hides will set me up: what Hides are those says the Father? Sir (says he) yours and my two elder Brothers.
On a Gentleman and a Constable.
A Gentleman one night very late, or rather early in the morning and half fuddled, yet had wit enough, was called before the Constable, who askt him where he was going he replyed he could not tell; then said the Constable you shall go to the Counter; look you there said the Gentleman, did I not tell you I could not tell whither I was going, for did I know whether you would let me go home, or send me to prison, for which conceit he was released.
On a young Apprentice.
AN Apprentice being servant to a young married Couple observed every day after dinner that his Master and Mistris went up into their Bed-chamber; being an arch Rogue, he imagined what to do. A Gentleman coming one afternoon, askt where his Master and his Mistris were, I think (said the Boy) my Mistris is abroad, and I suppose my Master is at home.
On a Quaker.
A Quaker coming to Court to speak with the King about the Lord knows what, past through the Presence and Privy-chambers with his hat on, which some would have taken off, but the King bid them let him alone; whilst he was telling a long ribble rabble story, the King had an occasion to take off his hat; hereupon the Quaker stopt, and said, O King thou mayst be covered if thou wilt. Well (says the King,) if I give you your liberty, I hope you will allow me mine
On a Ducking stoool.
SOme Gentlemen travelling, and coming near a Town, Saw an old woman spinning near a Ducking-stool; one to make the company merry, askt the good woman what that Chair was made for? said she, you know what it is; indeed says he I know not, unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes; no no, said she, you know it to be otherwise: have you not heard that it is the Cradle your good Mother hath often layn in.
On the Royall-Oak-Lottery.
ONe was perswaded to adventure somthing at the Lottery; not I said he, for none has luck at it but rank Cuckolds: his wife standing by, perswaded him by all means for to venture; for said she I am certain you will have good luck.
A damnable revenge.
TWo Gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies; one of whom lying on his death-bed, thought of a way to be eternally revenged on the other; whereupon he sent for him, and told him that he would make him his Excecutor; why me (says he,) since you ever hated me to death; so I do still says t'other: but my reason is because I think most Excecutors go to Hell, and I hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape.
On a Quaker and a Hector.
A Quaker having taken a room in an Inn, a Hector comming after, would needs have the room from him, swearing, damming, and sinking after a most damnable rate: but the other told him mildly it was his room, and by yea and nay he should not come there; the other thereupon struck him, which so provoked the old man in this stout Quaker, that he repayed his blows with usury; and at last kickt him down stairs: with that the Master of the house sent up to know what was the matter; nothing (said one) but that yea and nay hath kickt God damme down stairs.
On a Prisoner in Ludgate.
A Citizen coming into Ludgate, saw an old acquaintance of his there confin'd: Lord, Tom, says he, how cam'st thou hither? he replyed, a blind man might have come thither as well as he, for he was led thither betwixt two which were his guides.
On a Gentleman dancing.
A Lady found fault with a Gentleman dancing; saying, that he stradled too much: Madam (said he) if you had that betwixt your legs that I have betwixt mine, you would straddle much wider.
On a mad fel'ow.
SOme Blades being merry together, one said that all the women in such a Town were accounted Whores: a mad fellow hereupon swore he believ'd so, for his Mother, and his three Sisters were born there.
On a fellow in the dark.
A Fellow going in the dark held out both his arms to defend his face; coming against the door which stood out-right, he ran his nose against the edge thereof; whereupon he cryed out, hey day, what a Pox, my nose was short enough just now, and is it in so short a timegrown longer then my Arms?
On a Gentleman and two Jesuits.
TWo Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house, told a great many forreign storys, which a Gentleman, and a great Traveller sitting by, knew to be notorous lyes, but contradicted them not; but told one of his own making, which was, that now is to be seen at S. Albans, a Stone Trough, which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use, and that ever since, if Swine should eat any thing out of it they would dye instantly; the Jesuits hearing this▪ resolved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict: coming to St. Albans, they found no such matter; and returning home, taxt the Gentleman with telling such an untruth; saying, they had [Page 55] the pains to ride and see it, but found no such thing: Gentlemen (said he) I thought you had been more civill; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lyes, and I went not about to disprove you, and I told you but one, and you by your own confession, have rid twenty miles to do it.
On a Landlord and his Tenant.
A Landlord askt his Tenant how many children she had; three said she; two of them, Will and Tom. are pretty Boys, but Diggory is a great loggerheadly Lout, and in [...]ro [...] Landlord, methinks he looketh as like you as if he was spit out of your mouth.
On two honest men rob'd.
SOme Thieves met with a man, and robb'd him of all he had, then bound him and layd him in a wood: a little after they met another, and served him in like manner and layd him not far from the other; the first cryed out, I'me undone I'me undone; and the other hearing him say so, desired him to come and undoe him too, since he was undone himself.
On the monosyllable Con.
SAys one, Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, Wheels converse, Lawyers contend, Foxes consent, Miners condiscend, Women conceive, Apple-Mongers consider, Milstones contrive, Rope-maker; concord, Scriveners condition▪ Faggoters combine, Jaylors [Page 56] fine, Sick-men consume, Drumms convene, Commanders conduct, Great men controll, Mourners condole, Clouds condense, Scholars convince, Counsellors conceal, Country fellows conjobble, Judges condemn, Friars confess, Victors conquer, Traitors conjoin, Friends confer, Polititians consult, Cutlers connive, Proud men contemn, Landlords confirm, and their Tenants confarm; Bells convoke, and thus for brevity I conclude.
On a tall Maid.
A Young Gentlewoman desired an excellent Painter to draw her exactly as she was, a maid, and of the same stature, which he did according to her desire, excepting (as she said) that he had drawn her less than she was; oh Madam, said he, Posterity would never believe my draught had I made you any talier, or so big 'tis very rare in this age, to find a maid so big, and so tall.
On a liquorish Husband.
AMongst some women that were chatting of their Husbands: truly (said one) my Husband is the liquorishest man in the world, for I had a small pot of Honey sent me out of Hampshire by a dear friend of mine, and I can no sooner turn my breech, but his Nose will be in it.
On a notable Head piece.
A Gentleman in the late rebellious times, as he was walking in his Chamber merrily amongst his friends, there came a Musquet bullet through the window, and glancing against a Marble chimnypiece, hit him on the head without any detriment, and fell at his feet, whereupon stooping, and turning the flatted bullet, he said, Gentleman, those formerly that had a mind to flatter, were wont to say, that I had a good Head-piece in my younger days: but if I do not flatter my self, I think I have a good head-piece now in my old Age, for you see it is Musket proof.
On the loss of an honest woman.
ONe friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death, which was an honest woman, nay had she been honest (said the other) she would never have left thee.
On an old Knight.
AN old Knight requested a favour of the King, but was denyed: thinking that the meaness of his habit, and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success; he went home, and having shaved all off, and drest himself a-la-mode with a flaxen Perriwigg, re-addresed himself to his Majesty concerning the same business; his Majesty perceiving the deceit, said to him, I would be glad to gratify your desire, but it is not long since I denyed it to your Father, and it were unjust to grant the son what I denyed him.
On a Fool.
A Fool to a Nobleman having taken some distast, resoved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved: Great search was made after him, but none could find him; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery; there [...]v [...]d a Fool not rar, who usally came to visit this Brother of his, who coming according to custom they told him his Brother was lost; lost quoth he I'le warrant you I'le find him; and thereupon went up and down every where, crying I see yee, at length coming to a Pile of Faggots where this Fool had hid himself, he cryed again I see yee; the other hearing him started up, and cryed no but you don't.
On Templers.
A stranger passing through the Temple early, had a Pispot discharged on his head; in his amazement one past by, pray Sir, said he, what place do you call this? the Temple said the other; and what is done here? the other replyed that young Gentlemen studdy the Law, I believe rather quoth be they study Physick by their casting so much water, and if I mistake not they are a company of mad fellows too, for just now my bead can testify they threw their stools out of the windows.
On one noseless.
A Very witty Gentleman had the misfortune to loose his nose, I know not by what means; and passing through Fish-street, a Fishmongers boy and a very wagg, purposely threw some water on him, pretending to wash his fish; hereupon the Gentleman grew angry, and going into the shop, complains to to the Master of this affront; the Master askt his servant the reason why he did so; Sir said he the Gentleman blew his nose on the fish, and I only indeavoured to wash it off; judge you master said the Gentleman, whether I can blow my nose, having lost the handle of my face.
On the same Person.
A Meer Scholar, and an idle fellow came to this Gentelman to know whether he was qualified to be a Player; upon tryall he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuft with a parcel of learned words, without the ingredients of common sence and reason; well young man (said he) all that I can say to thee, that thou hast so much learning whipt into thee is this, that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipt out of thee again.
On a kick of the breech.
ONe askt another how he could take a kick of the Arse so patiently, prythee (said he) because an Ass kickt me, must I kick the Ass again.
A jest of a dying man.
ONe who all his life time was a great Droll, and full of Jokes, on his death-bed, was visited by an intimate friend, and a Physitian, who for some reasons best known to himself, put his hand into the bed to feel the Patients feet, the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him; said the Doctor, Sir, where are your feet? the Patient replyed Mr. Doctor the Proverb saith, after forty either a Fool or a Physician, and I think you are both; I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs?
On a Gentleman and a Bakers boy.
A Bakers boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head, chanced to hit the face of a Gentleman with the Corner of the loafe: why how now said the Gentleman can't you see you rude Rascall? you are mistaken (said the Boy) don't you see I am as well bread as your self.
On a profound Country Phylosopher.
A Country Bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time, made this notable observation; that there were not to be seen so many Stars in the West as in the East; this so troubled him, that he was resolved to find out the reason; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the Fields, at last looking wistly to the West, he saw an exhalation fall; by and by another; [Page 61] then four or five together; Nay then (said he) I shall cease to wonder that there be fewer Stars in the West then in the East, since so many fall every night.
Another on on the same Peasant.
THis Bumpkin coming to London, and staring about him, was at last pickt up by a Spirit or Kid-napper, and conveyed aboard a Virginia man; being out at sea, he observed one of the Mariners taking the height of a Star with his Jacobs-staff; hereupon he stole privately behind him, looking over his shoulder, thinking he was shooting; fixing his eye upon the staff, he observed the end of it pointed directly against a Star, and presently thereupon a meteor fell; Gramercy man faith (quoth the Country fellow) I see thou art a brave Marks-man, for I saw it fall, but I wonder what a Devill thou didst put in thy Gun, that I could not hear when itwent off
On choler.
AN old man being reproved for swearing; well says he I am resolved against it; and since I never swear but in my choler, I am resolved for the future always to wear a Doublet without one.
On a Horn.
TWo Passing through Petti-Coat lane, where at every door is fixt a large pair of horns (the [Page 62] budge of their occupation) says one I wish every Cuckold in London had such an one visible on his forehead on condition I gave ten pounds for one my self; I wonder (said the other) you are so profuse, to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with.
On bare legs.
ONe seeing a bare legged fellow running, said, do you hear friend? when those Stockins are worn out I will give you a new pair; you may save your self the charge Sir said he, for they have lasted me this thitry years without repair, and I question not but they will last me as much longer; I have a pair of Brecebes likewise of the same stuff, and every whit as old, and yet you may see Sir there is but one small hole in them.
On the Rump Parliament.
ONe seeing the Rump in Council; O strange, said he, what fine brave men these! I could willingly work for such as long as I lived: what Trade are you said another? why truly (replyed he) I am a R [...]pe maker.
An Ignorant question wittily answered.
A Gentleman none of the wisest, seeing a house very stately built, told the Porter, it was framed a-la-mode Italian, and asked whether it was made in England, the Porter observing his solly, said, no Sir it was made in Florence, brought hither by two Turky Merchants.
A foolish proposal.
A Lord travelling in his Coach, his horsee tyring, he was constrained to take an Inn, where being impatient of staying, his Fool said, my Lord Let us go before in the Coach and let the Horses follow after.
On a stout Captain.
A Couragious Captain just as he was about to engage, was told by some who had rather eat then sight, that the enemy was five times their number; are they so said he, no whit dismayed? I am very glad, for then there are enough to be killed, enough to be taken Prisoners, and enough to run away.
A witty reparty of a Boy.
A Boy untrussing a point by an Hedge side, his foot slipping, fell down; and beshit his breeches, Sirrah (said a merry Gentleman riding by) are you not ashamed to make a Fool of your breeches; alas Sir (said the Boy) you make a worse of your Doublet to button up such in it.
On a Fool dying.
SOme comforting a Fool lying on his death bed, told him that four proper fellows should carry him to Church, I but (quoth he) I had rather by half go thither my self.
On a Courtier and the King of France his Jester.
A Courtier walking in the Pallace-Royall, saw the Kings Jester stumble, why how now can't you stand says he? yes that I can (said the other) stumble and rise again too, but have a care, for if you fall, 'tis ten to one if you ever rise again.
On loosing a Watch.
A Gentleman losing his Watch, complained to his friend of his loss; alas Sir (said the other) who can help it, Time will away.
Ʋpon Honesty.
A Very Knave deridingly askt a vertuous Gentleman what was Honesty? what is that to you (said he,) meddle with those things which concern you.
The Citizen bob'd by a Countryman.
A Conceited pragmatical Londoner travelling to Goatam, met a poor fellow coming from thence, thinking to shew his wit said well met wiseman of Goatam, how far to the place of thy Nativity? I cannot deny (said the poor fellow) but that my Country is a shame to me, but you proud Londoners are a shame to your Country.
On four bowling.
MY self, and another plaid at bowls in a Bowling-Ally in Bun-hill fields against two notable Gamesters, Mr. Prick, and Mr. Cunny, and were severely beaten; my partner seeing the inequalty of the Match, cryed out, Prick and Cunny have been long enough together [...] time to part them; choosing again, they chanced to be together; a Pox on this Prick and Cunny (quoth I) see they can't be kept asunder.
On a fat Gentleman.
A Fat big bellyed Gentleman, whose Panch hung over the Pummel of his saddle, riding through a lewd Town, some cryed to him, that he was mistaken in carrying his Port-mantle before him; to which he replyed, where should I place it safer when I come amongst Theves, Whores, and Rogues.
On going a shooting
ONe in a frosty morning going a shooting, desired the loane of some money from his friend, you have no need of money (said the other merrily) for if in any place you have any thing to pay, you may leave your Gun to discharge the shot.
On a witty Doctor.
A Merry facetious Doctor being sent for to visit a Gentleman that was dangerously ill, and almost blind to boot, Sir, said his friend, how do you find him? pish (quoth the Doctor) he nor you need not doubt of his recovery, he is already well enough if he could see it.
On a Fart.
A Gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot Custard, let a rowsing fart; to hide his shame with a jest, said he, I commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind, and flying danger, for hadst thou staid I had certainly skalded thee to death.
On a Country man and a Sedan
A Simple bumkin, yet wealthy enough, coming to London, was very much taken at the sight of a Sedan, and bargained with the Bearers to carry him to such a place. The Sedan-men observing the curiosity of the Clown not sutable to the meanness of his habit▪ unhasped privately the bottom of the Sedan, and then put him in, taking the Sedan up the Country man stood on the ground with his legs, and as the Bearers advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way then the rest, that they chose to go through. This man not knowing but others us'd to be so carried, or rather [Page 67] driven, coming to his lodging gave them their due hire, Returning into the Country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withall that he had been carried in a Sedan. A Sedan quoth one! what is that? Why it is (said he) like our [...] house, only it is covered with leather, and were it not for the name of of a Sedan, one had as good go on foot.
On a Ladyes leg.
A Lady lifting her coats a little too high, discovered her legs above the Calf; a Gentleman observing them, said, Madam, you have a very handsome pair of Twinns; you are mistaken Sir, (said she) for I have had one between them.
A witty Simile.
A Tall Minster told a short one scoffingly, that he looked in a Pulpit, like a short Collar of Braw [...] in a deep dish; and you (replyed the other) look like a long Pestle in a shallow Mortar.
On a Rice Fool.
A Rice-Fool being brought to the Table, the Guests doubted what it was: one wittily [...] Per risum multum poteris cognoscere Stultum.
A witty Metaphor.
ONe Gentleman observing another take Tobacco excessively, called him a Fool Tobacco pipe, the other readily told him he was a dented Quart pot; the strangeness of Metaphor striking in his mind mode him urgent to know the reason, because (said he) you seem to have more in you then you have.
On Marriage.
IF I were unmarried said one, I should quickly marry again; marry then (quoth the other) you would still be in the same lock.
A discreet complement.
A Barber (not the wisest of his profession) having tried a Doctor at night, had a candle put in his hand at the Stair head to light him down; having so done he brought it up again, and returning thanks went away in the dark.
On a Tallow-Chandler:
A Tallow Chandler dying; one said, it was strange that he who made so many weeks, could make his days no longer.
Devonshire manners:
A West Country Lad better fed then thaught, was sent by his Father with a groat to Loo a small Town in Cornwell to buy a Hake; upon his return his Father met him with the Fish: how now Jack, what did the Hake-vish cost thee? guess Ʋather; why a groat Zon; a groat quoth he: chil tell thee Ʋather, take the Grey mare and Zaddle'un and ride to Loo, and buy znch a Haka vish for a groat child give thee leave to kiss my arse.
Another:
THe same lump of ill manners sitting by the fire side was very eager with his Father to gape or yawn; which he refused; whereupon the indulgent and discreet mother cryed prythee yonnce since the chield will have thee yonee; why then child yonce quoth he▪ the Son seeing that, cryed out, Mother, Mother look yonder; is not that a vine Oven to bake a Turd in?
On a Painter and a Glazier.
I See you do all under colour (said the Glazier to the Painter seeing him at work) go your ways for a Rogue replyed he, you are alwayes picking quarrels.
On a barren Gentlewoman too light.
ONe told a Gentlewoman whorish and barren, that she was very fruitfull; how can that be Sir, [said she] since I never had any children? That's nothing Madam, [said he] nevertheless you bear many.
On a Gentlewomans choise of a tall man.
IT being left to the choice of a Gentlewoman which she would have of two Suiters, a tall man and a short one, which were both liked of her Parents; pawsing a while, I would have [said she] that Iusty long man, if all things are proportionable.
On a Covetous man.
ONe said, a covetous man was never satisfied; why so [said his friend] Because [replyed he] he thinks nothing enough. Why then [said the other] he is satisfied with the least, if nothing be enough for him.
On a conceited Gentleman.
ONe that had too great and good an opinion of himself, askt his friend what others thought of him; why [replyed he] you appear to the wise foolish, to fools wise, what do you think of your self?
On riding post.
A Gentleman being a great distance from his own house and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return, rid post, having supt, and being in bed with his wife, he said, Dearest excuse me to night that I pay not that tribute due to our loves; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep: these words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine Gentlewoman after a long absence of a Iusty husband. Not long after, walking in his back yard with his wife in his hand, he chanced to fee a Cock [he took great delight in] sitting in the Sun asleep rejecting the society of his fruitfull wives: prythee sweet heart [said he] what ails my Cock that he thus hangs the head, and follows not the Hens? Indeed I doe not know husband [said she] unless he hath lately ridden post.
On a one eyed Captain.
A Captain in the last expedition against the Hollander, having lost an eye by a Splinter, the other ever after was distempered, and continually water'd; a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which he left wept so much? Alas [said he] how should it do otherwise having lately lost his only Brother and constant companion
On a Soldier and a Louse.
A Notable merry Soldier finding a Louse one day on his sleeve walking to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air, took him betwen his fingers, and said Sirrah, take notice if I ever catch you out of your Quarters again, you shall dye, and so put him into his Collar.
On a Farmer and his Son in the Inns of Court.
A Farmer having placed his son in the Temple to study the Law came up to London to see how he did; coming to his Chamber, he found in the Keyhole of the door a note with these words, I am gone to the Devil, The poor man strangely startled cryed out, ah! my dear child have I brought thee up so tenderly, took so much pains for thee, and at last should be so unhappy as to cause, thee to study that which sent thee to the Devil so speedily.
A question wisely resolved.
AN ignorant Country fellow, having as he thought bestowed some learning on his Son, would needs place him at the University; and to see it done, goes with him; as they were sitting in the Kitchin, the youth efpyed a long Kettle amongst the rest, pray Father [says he] what is that Kettle for? Introth Son [said he] I never saw such a one in all my life before; but I suppose it is that when they would have too severall broths, they put the Fish in one end and the flesh in the other: the Boy hearing this makes answer, O the Devil lie you Father.
On a shrewd curst wife:
TWo men walking through a Church-yard, one of them affirmed, that Hell was nothing else but the Grave, for Shool in the Hebrew signifies the Grave though it is translated Hell; the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst wife, pointing to her Grave, said, them one of the greatest Devils in Hell y heesre.
On a Tradesman and his lean Servant.
ONe was jesting with his Maid-servant who was passably handsom, but very lean; saying, I wonder Jane thou art no fatter thou dost eat thy meat heartily but dost not thrive upon it; thy Mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost, and yet you see how plump she looks; to which she replyed I only eat at Set meats but my Mistress hath her strong broths before dinner and her warm jellies after dinner, and puts more into her belly than you ever I saw or heard of.
On a Citizen and his [...]iotous Son.
A Rich Citizen had a profuse extravagant to his son, who so angered his Father, that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor, in a little time this Son, with Dice and Box, Whores and Pox had spent all; whereupon he told his father that he might now give all his estate to him and not violate his vow, for he could not give it to one poorer than himself.
On an old womans Cunnys-kin.
A Little Boy sitting with his Grandmother, by the fire side in the winter time, as she lifted up her coats to warm her thighs; he espied somthing between her legs, and would fain know what it was; it is [said she] a Rabbet-skin that your Mother brought me from Market; what, and have you burnt a hole in't Granny? [says he?]
On a doting old Tub-preacher.
AN ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the Pulpit, instead of saying the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a peace offering, read he offered up a pair of Gloves with a peice of Fringe.
Another.
AT another time he took his Text [being much in debt,] Have patience with me and I will pay you all; having largely and learnedly treated of the vertue of patience, especially in forbearing our Debtors here; but of the rest [said he] when God shall enable me.
Another.
THe Reader being sick, he was forced to officiate in his place, and resolving to give some of the Grandees a rub who had offended him, he turned to that Psalm wherein are these words, Man without understanding is like the Beast that perisheth, instead thereof, reads man without understanding, is like the best of the Parish.
On a Lawyer and his handsom wife.
A Gentleman reprehended a Lawyer; for tarrying so long in the Country from his wife, who had a fame so tempting, saying, that in his abscence she might want due benevolence. That's nothing [...]sai the Lawyer I will give her use at my return for [...]r forbearance: besides Sir, put the Case that any one owed you fifty pounds, whether would you have it alltogether, or shilling by shilling? It is true [said the other,] one would rather have ones money alltogether, yet it would vex you, if in your absence your wife should want a shilling and she be forced to borrow it.
On a bald-pated Gentleman.
A Gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in Hunting; one day he came hastily into his friends chamber, [being serious at his study] and askt him if he would go and find a Hair. Pish [said the other] let me alone, let them go and find Hair [...] that have lost them.
On an Irish man.
IN the Kingdom of Ireland a Nobleman having an Irish man to his Footman, sent him four or five miles on a message, charging him to return by such an hour: The Footman went in all haste; but in his return his Brogue wanted mending, which caused him not to return according to the time, his Master being angry, demanded the reason of his tarrying▪ by my soul [quoth he] I did stay but while I had a heel-piece set upon my [...].
On a Wench gotten with child.
ONe Mr. Holland got his Landladies maid with child, whose name was Nel Cotten; whereupon one wittily said, that he gave her a yard of Holland, she gave him an ell of Cotton, and what harm was there in all this.
A Subtle device of a Welshman.
A Welsh-man riding with a charge of money behind him, was set upon by a Thief, who bade him deliver immediately; or [drawing a Pistol] said he would make it bounce through him; says her so said the Welshman, why then her had better give her money that is her Masters, and spare her life that is her own, and thereupon delivered. Now pray Sir, said the Welshman, since her hath her money, let her hear one pounce for it; for her never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good natured Thief to satisfy the curiosity of the Welshman [whom he lookt on as a very silly fellow] discharged his Pistol, which Ecchoed in many places, Cuds splutte and nails [said the Welshman] it was a gallant Pounce, and there was many little pounces too; good her Ʋrship let her have one pounce more for her money, and her will be satisfied: So the Thiefe discharged the other; at which the Welshman seemed better pleased then before, and askt if he had no more pounces: no said the Thief I have no more. No [said the Welshman] then her has one pounce in store, which her will make pounce through her immediately if her deliver not her money back presently, and so forced the Thief to redeliver.
On a poor Cripple.
A Poor Cripple being askt by a Gentleman, why he ma [...]ed a blind woman, because [said he] we shall agree the better, for neither can hit each other in the teeth, with one one anothers infirmity.
On a Parson and his Mother.
A Country Parson having bitterly inveyed against the Vices of his Parishioners in his Sermon [...] a silly woman that was present went to his Mother that lived hard by to complain of him, saying, that her Son had threatned them all with Hell and damnation, if they did not speedily amend; for my part I have lived above threescore years, and was never told so much before, neither will I be taught now by one & I am old enough to be his Grandmother. O said his Mother he was a Lyar from his Cradle, I never whipt him but for telling an untruth, and you are mad if you believe him now.
On a present of Medlars.
A Country woman sent her daughter to a Lady with a present of ripe Meddlars, (well bred) said, that her Mother, had sent her worship some ripe Meddlars, that were as soft as Bran, but if she did not eat them quickly, they would not be worth one fart, for they were already as rotten as a turd, The Lady being sended at this Wenches rude behaviour, resolved to tell her Mother, meeting her one day after askt her if she had [Page 78] Thankt her for her present; she advised to teach her daughter more manners; Ah (replyed she,) let me do what I will, I cannot mend her; and notwithstanding I have taught her from time to time how she should behave herself, yet she hath no more manners then there is in mine Arse.
On a fellow selling Rams horns.
AN arch roguish fellow one day got together a par [...] of Rams-horns, and putting them in a baske [...] went up and down London streets in the month of March, crying six pence a pound fair Cherr [...]s, six pence a pound fair Cherrys; Many called to him; amongst the rest, a Hosier in Cheap-side, who seeing what ware he had in his basket, laught at him, saying, thou fool who dost think will buy thy horns? Oh Sir (said he) though you are provided, yet I may meet with some that are not.
On a drunken young Heir.
A Drunken young Heir, who had sold all his lands to maintain his lusts when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper, sent for a Phisician, who understanding his disease, caused him to be let blood; sometime after looking on the blood; Sir (said he) your blood is very green: alas replyed the young Heir, how can it be otherways, I have drank and eaten all my Corn-fields and Meadows.
On a Talkative Host.
AN ignorant prating Host had bargained with a humerous Painter for the Sign of St, George and the Dragon; whilst he was at work, his Host being Importunate with the Painter to draw S. George with a dreadful killing countenance, repeating this request over and over again, which so madded the Painter, that leaving his work, said, mine Host, either be silent and leave your babbling, or the Devill take my wife if I do not make the Dragon kill St. George.
On a Country Executor.
A Rich farmer dying intestate, his Son came up to London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate; but being ignorant of the customs and terms belonging to the Spiritual Courts, he went first to an accquaintance of his, telling him, that his Father dyed detestate, leaving only him, and three or four small Infidels, and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Councellour of the Law, that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate.
Neck [...] nothing.
A Conceited Person after he had writ several verses in praise of his Mistress beginning first with her head, and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet, missing [...] part but her Neck; O [said one] there is great [...] [...]e res [...]rve [...] the Neck-verse for himself, knowing [...]e shall have occasion for it hereafter.
On a filly fellow laying a Wager with himself.
A Very simple fellow walking in the fields alone, came to a ditch, and pausing a while; now Tom [said he] what dost think, canst leap over this ditch or no; troth [said he to himself [ I can't tell but; if thou wilt Johnson [which was his Surname] I will lay thee five shillings I do; a match, and presently taking a good run with the advantage of the banck he leaped quite over. Ah! Boys [said he] I have won, but now Johnson wilt thou lay another thou canst not leap back again? Faith that's very difficult; but hang it I have won a crown, and I will venture it that I do; then taking a run as before, he leapt just in the middle up to the waste in mire and water; and crawling out on the other side, Hang it [says he] I don't much care I have neither won nor lost.
The Countrymans mistake.
AN ignorant Clown, who had the reputation of being a great Scholar in the Country because he could write and read, would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of London: walking the streets he read on a Sign-post, here are horses to be let 1670. Jesu [quoth he] if there are so many horses in one Inn, how many are there then in all this City?
More afraid than hurt:
A Gentleman [who never had the least acquaintance with wounds] in a Tavern Skirmish received a small scratch with a sword, who instantly made a hideous noise for a Chyrurgeon E. M. was sent for, who presently perceiving the fright was greater than the hurt, pretended notwithstanding [for sports sake] great danger, and therefore bid his man with all possible speed to run and fetch him such a Slave, why [why quoth the Gentleman] is the wound so dangerous? O yes [answered this witty Chyrurgeon] for if he returns not the sooner, the wound will heal of it self and so I shall loose my fee.
On a bad Book with a good preface.
ONe reading an ingenious Preface before a foolish book, said he very much admired, they should come to be so matched together, in troth Sir [sayd another] they may be very well matched together, for they are nothing of kin.
On a Maid with egg.
A Petulant Doctor of Physick lay in a house, where there lived a Maid ignorant enough, but extreamely handsom, fresh out of the Country; this Doctor used all means imaginable to win her to a venereal complyance, but nothing would prevail, neither fair words nor large presents; resolving to [Page 82] accomplish his design some way or other, he thought of this Strategem; looking one day very seriously [and seemingly sorrowful] in her countenance; Alas poor Betty [said he] and must I now loose thee? What do you mean Sir said she? I will tell thee replyed the Doctor before it go too far: thou art breeding of Eggs: How can that be quoth she, very easily said he, and thereupon so subtily invaded her belief with I know not what stuff, neatly wrapt up in fine words, that she verily believed it, and askt him how she must be cured; said the Doctor come to my chamber after dinner, and I will indeavour to cure thee; thanking him she promised she would, & was as good as her word, The Doctor had something to do at first, to get her to lie down, saying, that her Eggs must be broken, or she could not be cured; but at length she yielded, and with his naturall probe he searcht her grief three or four times; having so done, he told her, that though he had broken some, yet there were more to break, and therefore bid her come again to morrow; which she did, and so did he as before; she now liked the manner of her cure so well, that she came of her own accord, till the Doctor growing weary, told her that her Eggs were now all broken; not so Mr. Doctor I am sure said she, for there are at least two or three to break still; well says the Doctor, I'le break them, and then it is a cure: having so done, she went away well satisfied; a little while after, her Mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place, askt her what was the matter; indeed Mistriss said she I know not, unless I am breeding of more Eggs; what do'st mean quoth her Mistres? [Page 83] why forsooth said she, a little while a goe I was with Egg, and certainly I had dyed, if our good Doctor had not cured me.
On Mum.
ONe seeing on a Coffee sign written here is Mum to be sold, said it was good Ryme; how can that be said the other? why thus said he
On a Countryman and a Ship.
A Countryman having never seen a Ship, came to the Custome-house-key; where seeing so many wonders, he chanced to ask a Dutchman what that was called, pointing to a great Ship; ich queet neet, and what do you call that, siad he, pointing to a less: ich queet neet said he again (that is I understand not) hey day (said the Country fellow) are there great Queet neets and little Queet neets to [...]? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship▪ he askt how old it was? It is two years old said one: How (said the fellow) and so bigg already? Lord what a huge Masty thing it will be, by that time it is as old as I am.
On Irish women.
A Gentleman that lived in Ireland was askt by another that had never seen the Country what kind of women there were in Ireland. Sir, said he, the women are generally streight, clear skinned▪ and [Page 84] well proportioned, but that their middles are a little too bigg for want of Swathing when young; I, said the other, and I have heard that the legs are monstrously big too; Pish, said he, we lay them aside.
On a pragmaticall Scholar.
A Conceited pragmaticall, coming into a mixt company, talked incessantly; and to show his wit and learning, singled out one whose countenance promised little, yet an excelleut Scholar, and askt him many frivolous questions, which he answered purposely very slightingly, or replyed to them not at all, this Pragmatico grew to that impertinence as to ask him, whether he had ever learned his Grammer? yes said he; to try you said the other? Despauters said he; to try you said the other, his second Rule is this, Esto foemineum recepit quae foemina tantum. now said he Mater, cujus generis, mother what Gender is it, to which the other replyed Mater si sit tua est communis, Mother if mine is the feminine gender, if thine the Common.
That play is a remedy against the Seven deadly Sins.
A Young Gentleman being much addicted to play was sharply rebuked for it by his relations, and that availing little, a Minister was sent to him, who told him, that Play or Gaming was the worst of vices; nay there you are out, said the other, for it is a remedy against all vices; and particularly against the Seven deadly Sins; for how can you call him a covetous man, that cannot indure to keep his [Page 85] money in his pocket? for how can you call him a luxurious? who is content to loose his sleep and victuals, if he had an opertunity to play; How can you call him cholerick? when he is the potentest man living when not out-hectored? How can you call him a Glutton or Drunkard? when he will not spair that money from play, that will purcahse a good dinner with a bottle of wine; How can he be said to be slothful and and negligent? when his hands and feet are always in action? the one beating the hoof through the whole Town? to get employment for the other; Lastly how can he be said a proud man? when having lost five pound among Gentlemen, he will condescend to play for brassfarthings with Apprentices.
On a Creditor.
A Gentleman possessed with an extraordinary good nature, lent another forty shillings for his good company's sake never expecting a return, knowing his inability. After the loan of this money, this Ingrate shun'd the society of his Creditor; and if he, saw him in the streets straight hastned another way; which this Gentleman took notice of, One time seeing him, he made after him; and catching him by the arm, said; why shun you me, was I not your friend, wherein have I disobliged you, that I should not be so still; if the debt hath made any difference I forgive it you, and assure your self I will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come.
On the hand in the Placket.
TWo Comedians acting upon the Stage the parts of Servingmen; one askt the other to go drink, whither shall we go said one; the other replyed (espying a fellow groping a wench in the Gallery) let us go to the Hand in Placket; thereupon the fellow sneakt away his hand; which the other perceiving, cryed out; nay friend, if you remove the sign, we shall hardly find the house.
On killing the Devil.
A Country fellow over-threw his Cart, a great distance from any houses, so that he was in a great straight for want of help; in the mean time came a Parson, who thinking to make himself merry, said, how now friend, I see thou hast killed the Devil; a (common saying upon such occasions) introth you say right (said the fellow) for as I have killed the Devil, so I have stayed here these two bours waiting for a Parson to bury him.
A prudent reproof from a patient Cuckold.
A Very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a wife a grain too light; one day returning home he went up the stairs, and found his Chamber door open, entring, he caught his wife, and the Adulterer (who wereso intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else) in the very act: the Gentleman seemingly unmov'd, said, wife, [Page 87] wife, indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelesness: Sure in a business, that so nearly concerns us both, you might have shut the door; I pray consider what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture, and so went and left them; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman, that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband.
A wish come to pass.
A Captain (whom I shall forbear to name) in the last engagement against the Dutch, had his Arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder; as he was dressing he fell a laughing; one standing by askt him the reason, why (said he) I cann't but think of a wish that I have often made, viz that my P—were as long as my arm, and now introth so it is.
A mistake.
A Person not belonging to the Colledge, put in his horse in a Field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the Master of that Colledge sent his man to him, bidding him say if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his Tail: say you so said this Person? go tell your Master, if he cuts off my horses Tail, I will cut off his ears; the Servant returning, told his Master what was said, whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, said the Master, how now Sir what mean you by that menace you sent me? Sir; (said the other) I threatned you not, for I only said if you did cut off my horses tail I would cut off his ears, not yours Sir, but my horses.
On Doctor Collins and Mr. Field.
MR. Field, that was but an undergraduate; meeting Doctor Collins Saluted him thus, Salve colendissime Colins, to which he replyed, Salve Ager colende.
On a Frenchman.
A Frenchman that spake very broken English, bespoke a dish of Fish being on the table, and seeing but little Pepper; by the corruption of his pronuntiation, he called for more Piss instead of Spice, the woman took away the dish, and did as she thought he bid her and brought it in again; I say said he a little more Piss, with that she carried it out and her daughter pist upon it, and then brought it in, but he still cryed a little more Piss, well Sir said she, I will warrant you shall have enouhg now, and then caryed it to her Maid a straping Girle, but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied, and cryed out for more Piss; well Sir let me tell you, I, my Daughter, and Maid-servant have all pist as much we can upon it, and if that will not satisfy you even piss upon it your self.
A pleasant last Will and Testament.
A Notable Joking man lying sick on his death bed, left out his wife in his will, her friends hearing thereof, came and prest him to leave his wife somewhat more then the custom of the City will [Page 89] allow her; I will said the Sick man send presently for a Scrivener, for I am just upon departing; the Scrivener being come he said, write, I leave my wife ah, ah, ah; oh he is dying said his wife apace; I do (said the sick) I say I leave my wife alas, alas, alas, come pray Sir said the Scrivener what do you leave your wife; why then I say I leave my wife the greatest C in Christendom.
On a Son of a Whore.
A Son of a whore, and a Son for a whore, was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was calling the rest Cuckoldly Bastards; I am sure (said he) I am no son of a Cuckold, for my Father was never married, and by that means called himself son of a whore.
On a Squint eyed Scholar.
ONe seeing a Scholar that lookt very much asquint, Sure (said he) this man must be more learned then his fellows for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once.
On a great headed fellow.
ONe that had a very great head like a Great thick r [...]n'd Orange, but no juice of wet in it, was reprehended for speaking nonsence; well (said he) it is not for want of ignorance that I now speak nonsence.
On a Fidler.
AF idler being desired ta play a new Tune Sir (says he) let me stand behind your back, and I will play you a Tune was never played before.
On a Picture.
ONe looking on a Picture said; this must needs be an excellent Art, who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered.
On a womans will.
A Woman lying sick to death, desired her husbands leave to make her will; that needs not [said he,] you have had your will all your life time, and would you have your will when you are dead too.
On the Hiccock.
ONe having got the drunken Hiccock by drinking Aqua Caelestis, Rosa Solis, Aqua Angelica and [...]e like; this it is [says he.] to be too forward in understanding such latine as these waters, that a man must afterwards be put to decline Nouns with the Articles hic hoc, when he hath not English enough to bring himself to bed.
On a Monkey.
A Monkey being tyed on a Mastiffs back, the Dog ran away with him; which an old woman seeing, cryed out, well rid I protest young Gentleman.
On a Sow and Pigs.
ONe askt another what he would give for his Sow and Pigs; nothing [quoth he] for the Sow, and less for the Pigs, if you will take that, bring 'um in.
On a blind man.
A Young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife, I'le tell you [quoth he,] let me see her countenance.
Awitty saying of H. P.
HE was wont to say that in Europe there were neither Scholars enough, Gentlemen enough, nor Jews enough; one time it was answered him, that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity; whereupon he replyed, if there were Scholars enough, so many would not be double or trobble beneficed; if Gentlemen enough, so many Peasants [Page 91] would not be reckoned among the Gentry; and if Jews enough, so many Christians would not profess Ʋsury.
On G. Withers.
GEo. Withers having writ a Poem, in which he predicted the countenance of a free State, called it it the Perpetual Parliament; a little after the Parliament was dissolved, and a Gentleman meeting the said Mr. Whithers, told him he was a pittiful Prophet, and a pittyful Poet, otherwise he had not wrote such pittyful predictions, for a pityful Parliament.
On Hugh Peters.
HƲgh Peters meeting Col. Hewson, merrily said to him, how now son where's your blessing? Hewson not well conceiving what he said, askt what he meant; why (quoth Hugh) I mean to teach you your duty; know you not who I am, I am Hugh, and as I take it you are Huhgs son.
On Travel.
ONe being askt when was the best time to take a journy? The other replyed when you have a good Horse, mony good store in your purse, and good company.
On a Whore.
ONe askt another what a fine gawdy whore was like; the other who much delighted in Smiles, said, she was like a Squirrel; the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison, askt him how he made that out? It is plainly (said the other) for she covers her whole body with her tail.
On a Painter and a Citizen.
A Citizen askt a Painter what excellent peices he had drawn of late; only one estimable, which is the picture of Acteon turned into a Hart, and hunted by his Hounds, so lively protrayed, that every one who saw it, said it was a Citizen pursued by Serjeants.
On a Slop-seller.
AN Apothecary was drunk to by one in the company, who said Brother her's to you; the proud Apothecary askt him upon what account he called him Brother? quoth the other we are Brethren by Trade; for I understand you are an Apothecary and I am a Slop-seller.
The danger of learning.
A Country fellow seeing a man standing in the Pillory for forgery with his fact legibly written before him with hundreds about him; the Clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there? One askt him, whether he could read? Not I in faith, I can neither read nor write said he; then you are a Dunce said the other, not to read at those years: now since you are so ignorant I'le tell you why that fellow stands in the Pillory, it is for counterfeiting mens hands to which the Country fellow replyed; a Plague on you for a company of proud Knaves; you had need to brag so much of your breeding; you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to.
A Quibble.
A Gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time, was saluted with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese, which looked as thin and as crooked as the Moon in her last quarter; the Gentleman encouraged his friend to eat by saying it was sent him as a present from an accomplisht Lady at Windsor; I thought it came from Windsor said the other when I saw it so near Eaton.
A Logical Quibble.
ONe said he sung as well as most men in Europe, and thus he proved it, the most in Europe doe not sing well, therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe.
On a Rumper.
ONe of the Rump-Parliament complained of the great quantity of Rain that fell, what unreasonable men you Parliament are (said a stander by) you would neither have God Rain nor the King.
On Bayliffs.
ONe askt another which was the best way to run from a Bayliff, in troth (said he) I think the best way is to run him through.
A Quibble.
TWo Barbers meeting in Easter-week, the one askt the other if he had a good Eve on't, in troth sayd (said the other) I think it was the worst Eve that ever came since Adam.
A gross Complement.
ONe being invited with his wife and daughter to dinner on a Sabbath day, brought along with him two little Dogs, coming to the house he thus saluted the Invitor with this complement, Sir do you want any bold guests? I have brought my whole family with me, myself and two Bitches, my wife and daughter.
On a flat nosed fellow.
A Flat nosed fellow (who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a Covent-Garden distemper) going to Old-street snuffling, askt one which was the way to Rotten-row? the other replyed follow your nose.
A notable retort on a quibbling Lady.
A Very facetious and quibbling Lady cutting up▪ a Pigg at dinner, askt a Gentleman whom she had often out-witted, whether he loved Pigg, and whether she should help him to some? I thank you Madam (said he) I love nothing that comes from a Sow.
On a high flown profuse Gallant.
AN old griping Citizen dying, left a fair revenue to his son, who as profusely spent it, as his Father had carefully raked it together: One day growing angry with his Coachman for driving no faster, called to him, saying, drive faster, or I'le come out and kick you to the Devil; Sir said the Coachman, I protest, if you do, I'le there tell your Father, how extravagantly you now spend that Estate he left you.
On a Crooked Nine-pence
A Gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely woman, she dying, he Married one that was ill featured, & worse formed, being extremely crooked; a friend of his taking notice of his extravagant choice, reproved him, saying, I wonder Sir where your eyes were when you made this choice; alas said the other, it was not so much a choice of mine, as a gift, a bended token sent me by Providence: said the other I am sorry for it, I am sure your former wife was a brave noble woman; it is true said the other, and now you may see how time makes waste, I have brought that Noble to Nine-pence.
On three Country Attorneys.
TErm being ended, three Country Attorneys travelling homewards, overtook a Carter; being on the merry pin, they fell a jeering him, asking him how his fore horse became so fat, and the rest so lean? [Page 95] The Carter (knowing them to be Attorneys) replyed, my fore-horse is a Lawyer, and the rest are his Clients
A notable saying of a Lad.
A Youth standing by whilst his Father was at play; observing him to loose a great deal of money, burst out into tears, his Father askt him the reason why he wept: O Sir I have read that Alexander the great wept when he heard his Father Philip had conquered a great many Towns, Citys, and Countryes fearing, that he would leave him nothing to win; but I weep the contrary way, fearing if you continue this course, you will leave me nothing to loose.
A witty reparty.
A Gentleman carryed his friend down into the Cellar to give him the Civility thereof; his friend observing there was no seat there for him to sit on, askt what was his reason for so doing? Because said he, I will have no man that comes hither, drink longer then he can stand.
On Ludgate.
ONe said, if he was to choose his Prison, it should be Ludgate, because none came thither but they had their freedom.
On Tyburne.
TWo riding by Tyburn, one seeing no remainder of ropes, said, methinks Tyburne looks very poorly; said the other, there is no hopes it should thrive there are so many hangers on.
The greatest wonders.
THe question being askt, which were the greatest wonders in the world; it was answered, womens and Lawyers tongues, because they did always lye, yet never lye still.
On a Lease.
ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen that he was promised by them a Lease of the next house that self; to whom another replyed, had it been my case, I should have petitioned rather for a house that stood.
A notable piece of Justice.
A Fellow and a wench taken one evening suspitiously in a pound together, were by the Constable committed, and the next morning brought before a Justice; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence the Justice called the Wench aside, and promised her faithfully, if she would confess the fact as guilty, she should go unpunished for that time. By his subtle insinuation she confessed the truth, whereupon the Justice commended her, & sent the fellow to prison: at length as she was taking her leave (thinking her self at liberty, the Justice called her back, and askt her what the fellow had given her for her consent she told him (if it pleased his Worship) he had given her half a crown. Truly woman, said the Justice, that doth not please my Worship; for though for thy fornication I have acquitted thee, yet for thy extortion I must of force commit thee, for taking half a crown in the Pound: and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company.