A Diurnall is a puny Chronicle, scarce pin-feather'd with the wings of time: It is an History in Sipp [...]ts; the English Iliads in a Nut-shell; the Apocryphal Parliaments booke of Maccabees in single sheets. It would tyre a Welch-pedigree, to reckon how many aps 'tis remov'd from an Annal: For it is of that Extract; onely of the younger House, like a Shrimp to a Lobster. The originall sinner in this kind was Dutch, Gal­liobelgicus the Protoplast; and the moderne Mercuries but Hans [...]en Kelders. The Countesse of Zealand was brought to Bed of an Almanack; as many Children, as dayes in the yeare. It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Lynage; so she spawnes the Diurnalls, and they at Westminster take them in Adoption, by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, [Page 2] Britanicus. In the Frontispice of the old Beldame. Diur­nall, like the Contents of the Chapter, sits the House of Commons, judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. You may call them, the Kingdomes Anatomy before the weekly Ka­lender▪ For such is a Diurnall; the day of the moneth, with what weather in the Common-wealth. 'Tis taken for the Pulse of the Body-Politique; and the Empetick-Divines of the Assembly, those spirituall Dragooners, thumbe it accordingly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis; and those grave Rabbyes (though in point of Divinity) trade in no larger Authors. The Country-Carryer, when he buyes it for their Vicar, miscalls it the Ʋrinall: yet properly enough; For it casts the water of the State, ever since it staled bloud. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devill and his Exorcist; or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whose office it to unravell her inchantments.

It begins usually with an Ordinance, which is a Law still-borne; dropt, before quickned by the Royall assent: 'Tis one of the Parliaments by-blowes, (Acts onely being legi­timate) and hath no more Syre, then a Spanish Gennet, that's begotten by the wind.

Thus their Militia (like its Patton, Mars) is the issue onely of the Mother, without the concourse of royall Ju­piter.

Yet Law it is, if they Vote it, though in defiance to their Fundamentals; like the old Sexton, who swore his Clock went true, what ever the Sunne said to the contrary.

The next Ingredient of a Diurnall is Plots, horrible plots; which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foot, while they are yet in their Causes, before Materia prima can put on her Smock. How many such sits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome, and (for all Sir Walter Earle looks like a Man-Midwife) not yet delivered of so much, as a Cushion? But Actours must have their Properties; And, since the Stages were voted downe, the onely Play-house is at Westminster.

[Page 3] Suteable to their Plots are their Informers; Skippers and Taylours; Spaniells both for the Land and the Water: Good conscionable Intelligence! For, however Pym's Bill may inflame the Reckoning, the honest Vermyn have not so much for Lying, as the Publique Faith.

Thus a zealous Borcher in Morefields, while he was con­triving some Quirpo-cut of Church Government, by the help of his out-lying Eares, and the Otacousticon of the Spi­rit, discovered such a Plot, that Solden intends to combate Antiquity, and maintaine it was a Taylours Goose, that preserved the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lions, to settle the Commission of Array in the Tower. It would doe well to crampe the Articles Dormant, besides the opportunity of reforming those Beasts of the Prerogative, and changing their prophaner names of Harry and Charles, into Nehe­miah and Eleazer.

Suppose a Corne-cutter, being to give little Isaack a east of his Office, should fall to pareing his Browes, mista­king the one end for the other; because he branches at both. This would be a Plot; and the next Diurnall would furnish you with this Scale of Votes.

Resolved upon the Question; that this Act of the Corne-cutters was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Char­ter, in the representative Forehead of Isaack. Resolved, that the evill Councellors about the Corne-cutter are Po­pishly affected, and Enemies to the State. Resolved, that there be a publicke Thankesgiving for the great delive­rance of Isaack's Brow-antlers; and a solemne Covenant drawne up, to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes.

Thus the Quixotes of this Age sight with the Wind­mills of their owne Heads; quell Monsters of their owne Creation; make Plots, and then discover them; as who sitter to u [...]kennell the F [...]x, then the Tarryer, that is a part of him.

[Page 4] In the third place march their Adventures; the Round­heads Legend, the Rebells Romance; Stories of a larger fire, then the Eares of their Sect; able to strangle the Be­liefe of a Soli-fidian.

I'le present them in their order; and first, as a Whiff [...]ler before the show, enter Stamford; one that trod the Stage with the first, travers'd his ground, made a legge and Ex­it. The Countrey People took him for one, that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Morice through the West of England. Well, hee's a nimble Gentleman; set him but upon Bankes his Horse in a Saddle Rampant; and it is a great question, which part of the Centaure shewes bet­ter tricks.

There was a vote passing to translate him, with all his E­quipage, into Monumentall-Gingerbread: but it was cross'd by the Female-Committee, alledging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues.

This Cubit and an halfe of Commander, by the help of a Diurnall, routed his Enemyes fifty Miles off: 'tis strange you'le say; and yet it is generally beleived, he would as soone doe it at that distance, as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword, for which the weapon-salve was invented; that so wounding and healing, like loving Correlates, might both worke at the same removes.

But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope. Roome; for the Prodigy of Valour; Maddam Atropos in breeches▪ Wallers Knight-errantry: and, because every Mountihanke must have his Zany, throw him in Haslerigge, to set off his story: these two, like Bell and the Dragon, are alwaies wor­shipped in the same Chapter: they hunt in their Couples what one doth at the head, the other scores up at the beele.

Thus they kill a man over and over, an Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalmes, with another to the same; one chimes all in, and then the other strikes up, as the Saints-Bell.

I wonder, for how many lives my Lord Hoptons Soule tooke the Lease of his Body.

[Page 5] First, Stamford slew him: then Waller out-killd that halfe a Barre: and yet it is thought the sullen corps would scarce bleed, were both these Man-slayers never so neare it.

The fame goes of a Dutch Heads-man, that he would doe his Office with so much ease and Dexterity, that the Head after Execution should stand still upon the shoul­ders: pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place. For, as if he had the like knack too, most of those, whom the Diurnall hath slaine for him, to us poore Mortals seem untoucht.

Thus these Artificers of Death can kill the Man, with­out wounding the Body, like lightning, that melts the Sword and never singes the Scabbard.

This is the William, whose Lady is the Conquerour; This is the Cities Champion, and the Diurnalls delight; he, that Cuckolds the Generall in his Commission: for he stalkes with Essex, and shootes under his Belly, because his Oxcellency himselfe is not charged there. Yet in all this Triumph there is a whip and a Bell: Translate but the Scene to Round▪ way-downe: There Hasleriggs Lobsters were turnd into Crabs, and crawl'd backwards; there poore Sir William ranne to his Lady for a use of consola­tion.

But the Diurnall is weary of the Arme of flesh, and now begins an Hosanna to Cromwell, one that hath beate up his Drummes cleane through the Old Testament: you may learne the Genealogy of our Saviour, by the names in his Regiment: The Muster-Master uses no other List, then the first Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bring­ing in of Forraigners, when themselves intertaine such an Army of Hebrews? This Cromwell is never so valorous, as when he is making Speeches for the Association, which neverthelesse he doth somewhat ominously, with his [Page 6] Neck awry, holding up his Eare, as if he expected Mahomets Pidgeon to come, and prompt him: He should be a Bird of Prey too, by his bloody Beake: his Nose is able to try a young Eagle, whether she be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that glisters: What we wonder at in the rest of them, is naturall to him; to kill without Blood­shed: For most of his Trophees are in a Church. Window: when a Looking Glasse would shew him more superstiti­on: He is so perfect a hater of Images, that he hath de­faced Gods in his owne Countenance: If he deale with Men, it is when he takes them napping in an old Monu­ments Then downe goes Dust and Ashes. And the stou­test Cavalier is no better. O brave Oliver! Times voy­der, Sub-sizer to the Wormes; in whom Death, that for­merly devoured our Ancestors, now chewes the Cud: He sayd Grace once, as if he would have falne aboard with the Marquisse of New-castle: Nay, and the Diurnall gave you his Bill of Fare; But it prov'd but a Running Banquet, as appeares by the Story. Believe him as hee whistles to his Cambridge Teeme of Committy-men; and he doth Won­ders. But Holy men (like the Holy language) must be read backwards. They risle Colledges, to promote Learning; and pull downe Churches for Edification. But Sacriledge is entailed upon him: There must be a Cromwell for Ca­thedralls, as well as Abbyes: A secure sinner, whose of­fence carries its Pardon in its Mouth: For how can he be hang'd for Church-robbery, which gives it selfe the Bene­fit of the Clergy.

But for all Cromwells Nose weares the Dominicall Letter, yet compared with Manchester, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy-day. This, this is the man of God; so sanctified a Thunder bolt, that Burrowes in a pro­portionable blasphemy to his Lords of Hosts, would stile him the Arch-Angell, giving Battle to the Di­vell.

[Page 7] Indeed as the Angels, each of them makes a severall, Species; so every one of his Souldiers is a distinct Church. Had these Beasts beene to enter the Arke, it would have puzled Noah to have sorted them into Paires. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was so many Sects twisted into an Association.

They agree in nothing, but that they are all Adamites in Vnderstanding: It is the signe of a Coward, to winke and Fight; yet all their Valour proceedes from their Igno­rance.

But I wonder whence their Generals Purity proceedes; it is not by Traduction: if he was begotten Saint, it was by Equivocall Generation: for the Devill in the Father, is turn'd Monke in the Sonne; so his godlinesse is of the same Parentage with good Lawes; both extracted out of bad Manners; and would he alter the Scripture, as he hath at­tempted the Creed, he might vary the Text, and say to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he, that hath put out one of the Kingdoms eyes, by clouding our Mother-Vniversity, and (if the Scotch­mist further prevaile) will extinguish this other: He hath the like quarrell to both; because both are strong with the same Optick Nerve, knowing Loyalty. Barba [...]ous Rebell! who will be reveng'd upon all Learning, because his Trea­son is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnall as yet hath not talk't much of his Victo­ries: but there is the more behind: For the Knight must alwaies beat the Gyant; That's resolv'd. If any thing fall out amisse, which cannot be smothered, the Diurnall hath a Help at Mawe; It is but putting to Sea, and taking a Da­nish Fleet; or Brewing it with some successe out of Ireland; and it goes downe merrily.

There are more Puppets, that move by the Wyre of a Diurnall; as Brereton and Gell; two of Mars his Petty­toes; such sniveling Cowards, that it is a favour to call [Page 8] them so, was Breroton to fight with his teeth as in all other things he resembles the beast, he would have odds of any man at the weapon; O he's a terrible slaughterman at a Thankes-giving Dinner, had he been a Canniball to have eaten those that he vanquish'd, his gut would have made him valiant.

The greatest wonder is at Fairfax; how he comes to be a Babe of Grace? Certainly it is not in his personall, but (as the State Sophies distinguish) in his Politique Capacity; regenerated ab extra, by the zeale of the House he sate in, as Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cairo, by the Adoption of an Oven.

There is the Wood-Monger too, a feeble crutch to a de­clining cause; a new Branch of the old Oake of Reformati­on.

And now I speake of Reformation, vous avez Fox, the Tinker; the liveliest Embleme of it that may be; For what did this Parliament ever goe about to reforme, but Tinker-wise, in mending one Hole they made three.

But I have not Inke enough to cure all the Tetters and Ring-wormes of the State.

I will close up all thus. The Victories of the Rebells are like the Magicall combate of Apul [...]ius; who, thinking he had slain three of his Enemies, found them at last, but a Triumvirate, of Bladders. Such, and so empty, are the Triumphs of a Diurnall: but so many impostumated Fan­cies, so many Bladders of their own Blowing.