A Diurnall is a puny Chronicle, scarce pinfeather'd with the wings of time: It is an History in Sippets; the English Iliads in a Nut-shell; the Apocryphal Parliaments book of Maccabees in single sheets. It would tyre a Welch pedigree, to reckon how ma­ny aps 'tis remov'd from an Annal: For it is of that Extract; onely of the younger House, like a Shrimp to a Lobster. The originall sinner in this kind was Dutch, Galliobelgicus the Pro­toplast; and the moderne Mercuries but Hans-en-Kelders. The Countesse of Zealand was brought to Bed of an Almanack; as many Children, as dayes in the yeare. It may be the Legislative Lady is of that Lynage: so she spawnes the Diurnalls, and they at Westmin­ster take them in Adoption, by the names of Scoticus, Civicus, Brit­tannicus. In the Frontispice of the old Beldame Diurnall, like the Contents of the Chapter, sits the House of Commons, judging the twelve Tribes of Israel. You may call them, the Kingdomes Ana­tomy before the weekly Kalender: For such is a Diurnall, the day of the moneth, with what weather in the Common-wealth. 'Tis taken for the Pulse of the Body Politique; and the Emperick Di­vines of the Assembly, those spirituall Dragooners, thumbe it accor­dingly. Indeed it is a pretty Synopsis; and those grave Rabbyes (though in poynt of Divinity) trade in no larger Authors. The Country Carryer, when he buyes it for their Vicar, miscalls it the Urinall: yet properly enough; For it casts the Water of the State, ever since it staled bloud. It differs from an Aulicus, as the Devill and his Exorcist; or as a black Witch doth from a white one, whose office is to unravell her inchantments.

It begins usually with an Ordinance, which is a Law still-borne; dropt, before quickned by the Royall assent: 'Tis one of the Par­liaments [Page 2] by-blowes, (Acts onely being legitimate) and hath no more Syre, then a Spanish Genn [...]t, that's begotten by the Wind.

Thus their Militia, (like its Patron, Mars) is the issue onely of the Mother, without the concourse of Royall Iupiter.

Yet Law it is, if they Vote it, though in defiance to their Fun­damentals; like the old Sexton, who swore his Clock went true, what ever the Sunne said to the contrary.

The next Ingredient, of a Diurnall is Plots, horrible Plots; which with wonderfull Sagacity it hunts dry-foo [...], while they are yet in their Causes, before Materia prima can put on her Smock. How many such fits of the Mother have troubled the Kingdome, and (for all Sir Walter Earle looks like a Man-Midwife) not yet de­livered of so much, as a Cushion? But Actours must have their Properties; And, since the Stages were Voted downe, the onely Playhouse is at Westminster.

Suteable to their Plots are their Informers; Skippers and Tay­lours; Spaniells both for the Land and the Water: Good conscio­nable Intelligence! For however Pym's Bill may inflame the Reckoning, the honest Vermyn have not so much for Lying, as the Publique Faith.

Thus a zealous Botcher in Morefields, while he was contriving some Quirpo-cut, of Church-Government, by the help of his out­lying Eares, and the Otac [...]ustion of the Spirit, discovered such a Plot, that Selden intends to combate Antiquity, and maintaine it was a Taylours Goose, that preserved the Capitol.

I wonder my Lord of Canterbury is not once more all-to-be-Traytor'd for dealing with the Lyons, to settle the Commission of Array in the Tower. It would doe well to crampe the Articles Dormant, besides the opportunity of reforming those Beasts of the Prerogative, and changing their prophaner names of Harry and Charles, into Nehemiah and Eleazer.

Suppose a Corne-cutter, being to give little Isaack a cast of his Office, should fall to paring his Browes, mistaking the one end for the other; because he branches at both, This would be a Plot; and the next Diurnall would furnish you with this Scale of Votes.

Resolved upon the Question; that this Act of the Corne-cutters, was an absolute Invasion of the Cities Charter, in the representative Forehead of Isaack, Resolved, that the evill Councellors about the [Page 3] Corne-cutter are Popishly affected, and Enmies to the State Resolved, that there be a publique Thankesgiving for the great de­liverance of Isaack's Brow-antlers, and a solemne Covenant drawn up, to defye the Corne-cutter and all his workes.

Thus the Quixotes of this Age fight with the Windmills of their owne Heads; quell Monsters of their owne Creation; make Plots, and then discover them; as who fitter to unkennell the Fox, then the Tarryer, that is a part of him.

In the third place match their Adventures; the Roundheads Le­gend, the Rebels Romance; Stories of a larger size, then the Eares of their Sect; able to strangle the Beliefe of a Soli-fidian.

I'le present them in their order; and first, as a Whiffeler before the show, enter Stamford; one that trod the Stage with the first, travers'd his ground, made a legge and Exit. The Country People took him for one, that by Order of the Houses was to dance a Mo­rice through the West of England. Well, hee's a nimble Gentle­man; set him but upon Bankes his Horse in a Saddle Rampant; and it is a great question, which part of the Centaure shewes bet­ter tricks.

There was a Vote passing to translate him, with all his Equi­page, into Monumentall-Gingerbread: but it was cross'd by the Female Committee, alleadging that the valour of his Image would bite their Children by the Tongues.

This Cubit and an halfe of Commander, by the help of a Diurnall, routed his Enemies fifty miles off: 'tis strange you'l say; and yet it is generally believed, he would as soon doe it at that distance, as nearer hand. Sure it was his Sword, for which the weapon-salvo was invented; that so wounding and healing, like loving Correlates, might both worke at the same removes.

But the Squibbe is run to the end of the Rope. Roome; for the Prodigy of Valour, Madam Atr [...]pos in Breeches. Wallers Knight-errantry: and, because every Mountibanke must have his Zany, throw him in Haslerigge, to set off his story: these two, like Bell and the Dragon, are alwayes worshipped in the same Chapter: they hunt in their Couples, what one doth at the head, the other scores up at the heele.

Thus they kill a man over and over, as Hopkins and Sternhold murder the Psalmes with another to the same, one chimes all in, and then the other strikes up, as the Saints Bell.

[Page 4] I wonder, for how many lives my Lord Hoptons Soule took the Lease of his Body.

First, Stamford slew him: then Waller out kill'd that halfe a Barre: and yet it is thought the sullen Corpes would scarce bleed, were both these Man-slayers never so neare it.

The fame goes of a Dutch Heads-man, that he would doe his Office with so much ease and Dexterity, that the Head after Exe­cution should stand still upon the shoulders: pray God Sir William be not Probationer for the place. For, as if he had the like knack too, most of those, whom the Diurnall hath slaine for him, to us poor Mortalls seem untoucht.

Thus these Artificers of Death can kill the Man, without wound­ing the Body, like lightning, that melts the Sword, and never singes the Scabbard.

This is the William, whose Lady is the Conquerour; This is the Cities Champion, and the Diurnalls delight; he, that Cuckolds the Generall in his Commission: for he stalkes with Essex, and shoots under his Belly, because his Oxcellency hlmselfe is not charged there. Yet in all this Triumph there is a whip and a Bell: Tran­slate but the Scene to Round-way-downe. There Haslerigges Lob­sters were turn'd into Crabs, and crawl'd backwards; there poore Sir William ran to his Lady for a use of consolation.

But the Diurnall is weary of the Arme of flesh, and now be­gins an Hosanna to Cromwell, one that hath beat up hi [...] Drummes cleane through the Old Testament: you may learne the Genealogy of our Saviour, by the names in his Regiment: The Muster-Master uses no other List, then the first Chapter of Matthew.

With what face can they object to the King the bringing in of Forraigners, when themselves intertaine such an Army of He­brewes? This Cromwell is never so valorous, as when he is making Speeches for the Association, which neverthelesse he doth some­what ominously, with his Neck awry, holding up his Eare, as if he expected Mahomets Pigeon to come, and prompt him: He should be a Bird of Prey too, by his bloudy Beake: his Nose is able to try a young Eagle, whether she be lawfully begotten. But all is not Gold that glisters: What we wonder at in the rest of them, is na­turall to him; to kill without Bloudshed: For most of his Trophees are in a Church-Window; when a Looking Glasse would shew him [Page 5] more superstition: He is so perfect a hater of Images, that he hath defaced Gods in his owne Countenance: If he deale with Men, it is when he takes them napping in an old Monument: Then downe goes Dust and Ashes. And the stoutest Cavalier is no better. O brave Oliver! Times voyder, Sub-sizer to the Wormes; in whom Death, that formerly devoured our Ancestors, now chewes the Cud: He said Grace once, as if he would have fallen aboard with the Marquesse of Newcastle: Nay, and the Diurnall gave you his Bill of Fare; But it prov'd but a Running Banquet, as appeares by the Story. Beleeve him as he whistles to his Cambridge Teeme of Committee-men; and he doth Wonders. But Holy men (like the Holy language) must be read backwards. They rifle Colledges, to promote Learning; and pull downe Churches for Edification. But Sacriledge is entailed upon him: There must be a Cromwell for Ca­thedralls, as well as Abbyes: A secure sinner, whose offence carries its Pardon in its Mouth: For how can he be hang'd for Church rob­bery, which gives it selfe the Benefit of the Clergy.

But for all Cromwells Nose weares the Dominicall Letter, yet compared with Manchester, he is but like the Vigils to an Holy-day. This, this is the man of God; so sanctified a Thunder-bolt, that Burrowes in a proportionable blasphemy to his Lord of Hosts, would stile him the Archangell, giving Battell to the Devill.

Indeed as the Angells, each of them makes a severall Species; so every one of his Souldiers is a distinct Church. Had these Beasts been to enter the Arke, it would have puzled Noah to have forced them into Paires. If ever there were a Rope of Sand, it was so many Sects twisted into an Association.

They agree in nothing, but that they are all Adamites in Vnder­standing: It is the signe of a Coward, to winke and Fight; yet all their Valour proceedes from their Ignorance.

But I wonder whence their Generalls Purity proceedes; it is not by Traduction: if he was begotten Saint, it was by Equivocall Generation: for the Devill in the Father, is turn'd Monke in the Sonne; so his godlinesse is of the same Parentage with good Lawes; both extracted out of bad Manners; and would he alter the Scrip­ture, as he hath attempted the Creed, he might vary the Text; and say to Corruption, Thou art my Father.

This is he, that hath put out one of the Kingdomes eyes, by [Page 6] clouding our Mother-Vniversity, and (if the Scotch-mist further prevaile) will extinguish this other: He hath the like quarrell to both; because both are strung with the same Optick Nerve, knowing Loyalty. Barbarous Rebell! who will be reveng'd upon all Lear­ning, because his Treason is beyond the Mercy of the Book.

The Diurnall as yet hath not talk't much of his Victories; but there is the more behind: For the Knight must alwayes beat the Gyant; That's resolv'd. If any thing fall out amisse, which cannot be smothered, the Diurnall hath a help at Mawe; It is but putting to Sea, and taking a Danish Fleet; or Brewing it with some successe out of Ireland; and it goes downe merrily.

There are more Puppets, that move by the Wyre of a Diurnall; as Brereton and Gell; two of Mars his Petty-toes; such sniveling Cow­ards, that it is a favour to call them so, was Brereton to fight with his Teeth as in all other things he resembles the Beast, he would have odds of any man at the weapon; O he's a terrible slaughterman at a Thankesgiving Dinner, had he been a Canniball to have eaten those that he vanquish'd, his gut would have made him Valiant.

The greatest wonder is at Fairfax; how he comes to be a Babe of Grace? Certainly it is not in his personall, but (as the State Sophies distinguish) in his Politique Capacity; regenerated ab ex­tra by the zeale of the House he fare in; as Chickens are hatcht at Grand Cair [...], by the Adoption of an Oven.

There is the Wood-Monger too, a feeble crutch to a declining Cause; a new Branch of the old Oake of Reformation.

And now I speake of Reformation, vous avez Fox, the Tinker; the liveliest Embleme of it that may be; For what did this Parlia­ment ever goe about to reforme, but Tinker-wise; in mending one Hole, they made three.

But I have not Inke enough to cure all the Tetters and Ring­wormes of the State.

I will close up all thus. The Victories of the R [...]bels are like the Magicall combate of Apuleius; who, thinking he had slaine three of his Enemies, found them at last, but a Triumvirate, of Bladders. Such, and so empty, are the Triumphs of a Diurnall: but so many impostumated Fancies, so many Bladders of their owne Blowing.