A Quack-Doctor is one of the Epidemical Diseases of this Age, a Younger Brother to the Pox, and the Scurvy, but more destru­ctive than either; and like them too, is begot in an Illigitimate Copulation, betwixt ignorance and impudence, an Heterogenious jum­ble of the Dregs of Galen and Caput mortuum of Paracelsus; you may call him an Enthusiast in Physick, or a Gifted Brother in the Knack of Heal­ing; a Doctor but no Master of Arts, save those of Cousenage and Lying, a Pettifogger in Medicine, that Goes to Law with Diseases, and Plays Booty with Death; whoever Trust their Lives in his Hands, had need of a large dose of Hellebore, and did not Madness Excuse, must forfeit their Goods and Chattels, as Felo's de se, Accessary to their own Destruction.

He Pretends to Cure all Diseases that ever Sin Intail'd upon the rase of Adam, but in truth a vagrant Mountebank, or a Seaventh Son, or an I­rish Stroaker out does him Fifty in the Hundred; for his Skill is not so much as a Tooth drawers, and a Corn-Cutter is an Aesculapius to him; the Proverb that asserts every man, To be either a Fool, or a Physitian, apply'd to him, makes a Distinction without a Difference, for this Unalphabetical Cheat, clames both Titles, yet we must confess to his Praise, that his ve­ry Presence is Medicinal, for his Looks are enough to give one a Stool or a Vomit, and his everlasting Impertinent Tattle will either Purge your Gall with Anger, or your Spleen with Laughter.

To trace his Pedigree, is to rake a Dunghil, and write the Genealogy of Mushrooms, for his Birth is (commonly) as wretched as his Breeding, both being below Mechanick, not to be found, but amongst the Feeces of the Bedraggled Rabble; yet he might have Liv'd well at his Primi­tive Handicraft, but Extravagance put him upon shifts, & Idleness made him Abandon his Anvil or his Loom, his Aul or his Thimble, & pitch up­on this safe and Thriveing course of Pocket-Picking, no Jiltor, Legerdemain, being now a days so Effectual as a Catholick Pill or Universal Portion.

His prime care, and greatest trouble, is to get the Names of Diseases Without Book, & a Beadrole of Ratling Terms of Art, which he desires [Page 2] only to Remember, not Understand, so that he has more Hard words than a Juggler, and uses them to the same Purpose, to amuse and beguile the Ignorant or unwary, first of their Wit, and next of their Mony.

To render himself remarkable, he first prevails with some Associate Porters and Tripe-Women to call him Doctor, for his Ingenuity in Heal­ing Kib'd Heeles, and Curing Cut Fingers with a Shoomakers Ind and Cobwebs; and so affected he is with the Title, that afterwards he will never answer to any other name, but Mr. Doctor; two Gally Pots, and a Peny worth of Sena-Stalks set him up, and he is not so soon a Student as a Professor; Impudence is his License to practice, and at the seaventh Funeral he has caused, he takes his Degree; when he comes to Let Blood you would think him about to stick a Calf, and he Thumbs your Pulse like a Carman playing on the Lute; his Library consists in Peny Vo­lumes, every Man and Woman their own Doctor is his Dispensatory, and as soon as he has read six Leaves in Culpeper, he sends Death a Chal­lenge to play a Prize with him at any Weapon; when People tell him their Grief and their Ails, he knows what the Disease is no more than Poor Robin, yet that he may say something, tells them tis a Scurbattical Humour, afflicting the Diaphragma, and comes of Heats and Colds, and then pulling out a Box of Quicksilver Pills, (for his Pocket is all his Pharma­copaeia) he bids 'um take them, and provide a Large Chamber Pot, and not doubt but they shall shortly find their Names in his Book of Mighty Cures.

His ambition is to be counted a Phylosopher by fire, but is beholding to his Wife and kind Friends to compleat him a Vulcan; his Brain-pan is stuft with Antimony and Vitriol, but his fairest pretence to Chymistry is because of an excellent trick he has got, to turn Powder of the Rows of Red-herrings, or a Vial of fair water, into good hard Silver, and by his Art Extracts Mony out of Piss as fast as Vespatian; he rails at Ga­len and Hippocrates (as some Bigots do against the Pope) without know­ing whether they were Men or Women; but admires Van Helmont blind­fold, and fancies him & Paracelsus to be two jolly Dutch Burgomasters, that by the Hermetick art, first found out the making of Tophet Potabi­le, in the wounderful Invention of Snap-Dragons and burnt Brandy.

At first he deals as a private Mountebank, and makes every blind Ale­house he comes in his Stage, where he tells a Thousand Lies of his mira­culous Cures, and has his Landlady at his Elbow to Vouch them: he bribes all the Nurses he can meet with, and keeps a dozen Midwives in Pension to proclaim his skill at Gossipings, he indears the Chamber maid by a private Dose, to bring him In with her Mistress; the new Married Citizens Wife, that out-longs Rachel for a Bantling, comes to him for [Page 3] the reputed ability of his Back, not his Brains, and the Suburb Gammers admire him for copeing a Pot so sociably; sometimes knowing his Me­dicines not worth buying, he takes up a humour of giving them away, and pretends to Cure all the Poor in the three Nations for nothing.

Notwithstanding this New-Fashion'd Wheedle, his Charity both be­gins and ends at home, for when People come to him, he scrutinizes their Abilities more Rigorously than the Chimny-Man, and Extorts six pence out of some that have not been worth a groat these seven years, and sometimes suborns indigent people to bare false witness against them­selves, and slander him throughout the Town, with reports of strange Cures he was never guilty of.

But these are only smaller Angling Baits, his Draw-Net is a Printed Bill, which Catches the Gudgeons in shoals, for hatching of this, he ingages some Friend that's Book-Learn'd to correct the false English, and sprucify the sence, and interlard it with Proverbial Lattin and Cramp-words, as a Gammon of Bacon is stuft with Green Herbs and Cloaves to make it go down more savourly; then to a confiding Printer he goes, who depositing paper and pains, is refered for satisfaction to a snack in the profits of the exposed Quackery, and then out comes a Proclamation of wonders, trickt up in some strange form, with abundance of In­viting Capitals and Inticing Rubricks, the Tenour commonly to this effect.

At the Golden Ball in Fop-Ally next dore to the flying Hedghog in New-Alsasia, Lives the Paraselsus of this age, by name Seignior Doloso Effrontero, Native of Arabia Deserta, natural Son of the wonder-work­ing Chimest Doctor lately deceased at the Devils Arse a Peak in Silesia, and famous throughout Europe, Asia, Afrique and America, from the o­riental exaltation of Titan, to his occidental Declination.

Who in pitty to his own dear self and Languishing mortals, has by the earnest prayers and solicitations of divers Princes, Lords, and o­ther honourable Personages, been prevaild with to oblige the World with this notice, that all persons Young or Old, or Deaf or Lame, or Blind or Dumb, may know whither to repair for present Cure, in all Cephalalgia's, Paralytical Paroxismes, Odontalgia's, Apoplexia's, Peripneu­nonia's, Empyema's, Palpitations of the Pericardium, Syncope's, Nanseitie's [Page 4] arising either from a Plethory or a Cacochymy, Disenteria's, Iliacal passi­ons, the Scurvies, Exanthemata; the Hog-Pox, the Hen-Pox, the Small-Pox, the Whores Pox, or the Devils-Pox, the Ascites, Tympanites, or Ana­sarca, Ict [...]rical effusions, Rhumatismes, Phlegmons, Erysepalus's Herpes, Impetigo's, Tentigo's, Scabs, Scaldheads, Warts, Corns, and all other Di­seases, Griefs, Wounds, Fractures, Dislocations, Confusions, Dolors, Aches, Defects, Pains, Distempers and Discrasies of Nature, whether external or Internal, acute or Chronick, Curable or Incurable.

His Medicines are the Quintessence of Pharmapeutical Energy, and the Cures he has done, are above the Art of the whole World.

Imprimis, he has a wonderful, Universal unheard of, never-failing Hypnotical, Cordiacal, Cephalical, Hepatical, Anodynous, Odoriferous, Carminative, Renovative, Styptical, and Coroborating Balsome of Balsomes, (made of Dead mens fat, Rosin and Goose grease,) that infallibly restores lost Maidenheads, raises demolisht Noses, and by its abstersive Cosmetick quality, preserves super-animated Bawds from Wrinkles; he has the true Catharmapophora of Hermes Tresmegistus, an Incomparable spagyrical tincture of the Moons Hornes, the most sove­raign Alexipharmacum in the world against the contagion of Cuckoldry; he has the Pantimagogon of the Triple Kingdome that works seaven seve­ral ways, and is seaven years a preparing, being at last exactly com­pleated, secundum Artem, by Fermentation, Putrifaction, Distillation; Rectification, Cohobation, Circulation, Calimation, sublimation, solution, Precipitation, Coagulation, Filtration, and Quidlibetification, both in Bal­neo Mariae, the Crusible, and the Fixatory, the Athanor, the Cucurbita, and the Reverberatory, this is Natures Palladium, Healths Magazine, A dram of it is worth a Bushel of March Dust, if any person happen to have his Brains beat out, or his Head Chopt off, two drops seasonably applyed shall recall the Fleeting Spirits, re-inthrone the deposed Archeus, ce­ment the discontinuity of the parts, and in six minutes restore the Life­less Trunk to its pristin vigour, in all its functions, vital, natural and Animal; he has an excellent Antipudengragrian specifick, (the choicest jewel amongst Venus's Regalia, which perfectly cures the French Pox with all its noble train of Bubo's, Gonorrhaea's and shankers, with as much pleasure as the same can be contracted, so that it would tempt any man of sence to get that modish Disease (if it may be procured for Love or Mony, once a Fortnight, to enjoy the repeated delight of so diverti­sing a Remedy.

He hath it under the hands and seals of the greatest Caliphs and Mo­guls in Cristendome, to verificate the reality of his operations, I cared [Page 5] Prester Johns Godmother of a Stupendious Dolor about the Os Sacrum, so that the good Lady feared the perdition of her Huckle bone; I did it to the great admiration of that Court, by Fomenting her Posteriors with the Mummy of nature, otherwise called Pilgrim Salve, and the spirit of Mugwort Terragraphocated through a Limbeck of Chrystal­line transfluences. I Cured the Dutches of Promolpho of the cramp in her tongue, and gave immediate ease to her Nephew the Count de Rodo­montado correptus, with an Iliaca Passio by eating butter'd Parsneps.

An Alderman of Grand Cair, that [...]d lain seven year sick of the Plague, I cured him in two and Forty Minutes; from whence I was sent for by Sulton Gilgal Despot of Bosnia, who being violently afflicted with a Spasmus, came 600 Leagues to meet me in a Go-Cart, I gave him so speedy an acquittance from his Dolor, that next Night he Danc'd a Sarabrand with Flipflaps and Sommersets, and for my re­ward presented me with a Persian Horse, a Turkish Scymitor, and 300. Hungarian Duckets. I restored Virility and the comfort of Generation to 150 Eunuchs in the Grand Seigniors Seraglio, and by a pair of Proli­fick Pills lately caused a Vintners Widdow, that had all her life time been Barren, to bring forth a Lusty Boy without the help of a Hus­band, when she was entred into the twelfth Lustre of her Age; and with a like Emperical Remedy in the Aulalbian Court, Cured Duke Philanax of a Dropsy, whereof he Dyed.

In a word, the Cures I have done are no less Innumerable than In­credible, for I willingly undertake none but desperate mortal diseases, and Love to signalize my Practice by performing Impossibilities, and therefore, if any have occasion to make use of me, & render themselves immortal, let them hasten to our Habitation.

For I am just now sent for by an extraordinary Courrier to the mighty Empress of Bomfeze upon important occasions nearly concerning her Royal Person.

Such impudent ostentious Decoy-papers he dayly spreads about the Streets, as if he had undertaken to serve the whole City with Bum­fodder, and plaisters with his quakeries every Pissing-post, and thereby Lime-twigs the Rabble to become his Patients, so we may properly [Page 6] call them; for before he has don with 'um, they are sure to suffer sufficiently, they pretend to use his stuff for Cheapness, but in truth they pay dear enough, for tis ods if it do not cost them their Lives, he likewise Hucksters his Venome in every Market Town, and Village, and if the Farmers would buy it only to treat Rats with, it might do them a Courtesy.

His fullest practice is amongst fond Women that have more Mony than Wit, he first perswades them that they are not well, and then gives um Physick shall infal­libly make um sick; he has nature perpetually in his mouth, but knows no more of her, than the Queen of Morocco; and the greatest design he has on Chymistry, is to fit him for the Gallowes for Counterfeiting Coyn.

He is Madam A [...]ropos's Gentlema [...] [...]sher, and never appears, but attended with sighs and dying Groans, after a thousand promises of Health, he most perfidiously leaves a man Gasping, and gives this reason, that Death and he have a quarel and dare not meet, when persons are Kill'd by his improper Applications, he Chides their Friends for not sending for him sooner; Rails at the Nurses for not observing dire­ctions, or alledges the Sick would not be rul'd; At worst poor nature bares the blame, and his time was come, serves for an excuse, and the Grave covers his ignorance, but if any hapen to recover, though but of a Cold or an Ague, he magnifies the bu­siness as if he had raised a second Lazarus, yet in truth the greatest Cure he can boast of, is of his own purse, which from a Maugre Consumption, he has raised to a condi­tion Plump and Thriving; for there are so many Fools in the World, that a Knave can hardly want imployment, and they are so incorrigibly silly and stupid, as to think themselves obliged to Gratify him for not Murthering them; and trumpet him up amongst the rest of the undiscerning Croud, for the greatest Skill, the rarest man in the World; and by these Arts he grows Famous and Rich, and buyes him the worshipful Jacket, and takes state upon him, and defies Authority that should suppress his insolency, and at last purchases a Title, and arrives at his Coach, where we leave him an instance of Fortunate Folly and Prosperous Wickedness, driving on (with­out Repentance) to perfect his pseudo-Chimistry in the Devils Laboratory.