SCENE, Shuffle' s Lodging.

BUT do'e resolve, say you, never to visit the University again?

—Not till Idleness and Hypocrisie be as much out o' fa­shion as Learning;—I'll sooner herd with Savages in a Desart, where hungry Nature's the sole Tutoress.

—This is just such a quarrel, as a Presbyter has against Episcopacy;—I am confident some Preferment there, wou'd re­concile you,

—Prythee don't mistake me;—I never had the va­nity to think I deserv'd it; but tho' I had engrossed all the Morals, that ever the learned Antients taught, they wou'd not ha'been proof against Exceptions.

—No!—

—No o' my Conscience,— I have known a worthy Fellow that has been learned as the Sybils, but modest religiously observant as the Vestals;—Still and reserved as the Night, yet cheerful as the Morning;—temperate and strict as an Anchorite, and complying as unpractis'd Youth.

—Sure none cou'd object against so fair a Character.

—Yes,—a tedious Blockhead, scare capable of an Or­dinary's Office at the Reading of a Neck-Verse, shall cavil against his Schollarship;—then comes a second spitting pimpl'd Sot, and shall first hyccup in his Face, then tell him, he's a Company-keeper, [Page 2] when at the same time the dizzie Ape can scarce faulter out his un­just Exception;—thus all of 'em after a successive discovery of Ignorance, and ill Principles, shall prefer a desertless Dunce to an accomplish't Candidate.

—Prithee what kind of Complexion'd People do your Sages approve on, as best qualifi'd for their preferment?

—Such easie suff'ring Sots as have liv'd in due obser­vance of their Insolent Grandure, and Ridiculous Stateliness, that have no sense to discover the want on't in them, and will suffer themselves to be solemnly cheated, and never take notice on't.

Noble Gentlemen, I am your Creature.

—It must be an affair of grand concern that brings you hither, Sir Cred.

—Without Ceremony Gentlemen, I have no other bu­siness at present, than to invite you to the chase of a crippl'd Worm hunted by a couple of lame Snails.

—Wee'll attend your noble diversion.—

—Well, but don't let his impertinence divert your di­scourse; pray continue it, and acquaint me with the order of their Discipline.

—Order! ha, ha—you'll find no more there, than in Darius's Army against Alexander;—Arts and Sciences are pro­miscuous with Tricks and Debaucheries.

Ay!—

—'Tis an imperfect Emblem of the Chaos, where Bodies of strange form and figure were hudl'd up together in a disagreeing concord.

An Universal Medly indeed!—

You shall have a serious old Homilist making his unfashio­nable Chamber-love to a tractable Laundress,—a young breed­ing Heir penning Madrigals on his Bed-maker, or Phillising the Skull's Daughter;—and a leading Tutor turning off an old Trades­man, because some Upstart has got a handsom Wife.

[Page 3]

—But as to the business of Learning;—is not that promoted now-a-days?

—Yes, as thus—you shall hear a couple of old Casu­ists, splutter their mouldy Notions, and intricate Terms in one ano­ther's Faces, The one labouring with remote Fetches, to salve the opinion of a contradicting Dogmatist, whilst the other bladders him with broken Latine, transgressing form, and confounding Axi­oms; then like two batter'd Game-Cocks, the last word gets the Victory.

—They are very laborious upon't it seems.

—No, no,—They are too great to take pains;—I have known a Reverend poring Doctor, that has swouned half an Age over a St. Austin; and if he chanc'd to mount the Pul­pit but once in seven years, wou'd after a Praeludium of Hems, slyly draw his Memory out of his Pocket, and repeat the Opinions of the Voluminous Fathers, then conclude with an Harangue against Court Vanities, because some promising Lord has fail'd to make him a Bishop.

You are resolv'd to spare none from the Scarlet Doctor to the draggl'd Soph.

Some few good well principl'd men there is in their Socie­ty, but like a Loyallist in a Faction, they must either comply or be abhorr'd. — But Pry—the let's goe, we shall be too late else in good sadness.

You may if you please, but I must wait here for a Gentle­man; if some thing shou'd detain me, do so much as excuse me.

I shall.

Was this Flush I met upon the Stairs?

Ay; He has been Railing at his University like a suspend­ed Parson.

He's one o' those lewd profligate Wretches that dishonour all places of civil Education, because their own loose behaviour is discountenane'd and upbraided there.

[Page 4]

He's above that vain thing call'd Learning, he may thank his Genisu.

Which way is he gone?

To the Palsgrave's-Head; the truth on't is, I engag'd my Word to be there too, But now I think on't, I'll dispose o' my self otherwise.

You have some rich beardless Foo! or other to manage;—hang't, 'tis time to give it over now.

Your Servant good generous Sir; ▪ I think 'tis more pru­dence to Thrive and Rook whilst I'm Young, and so prevent it in my Old Age, then be forc'd to't in these Days, and so have reason to condemn the negligence of my Youth.

Truly, a Cheat at Threescore, is as Odious as a Usurer at Twenty.

And a Knave without necessity is as unpardonable as a Mercenary Matron that's Rich and Ugly.

I'll assure you Shuffle, I alwaies believ'd your Principle to be so far honourable, as that nothing but the severe impulse of ne­cessity cou'd shake 'em: I have observ'd with what an honest Calmness, and even tranquility of Mind, you have born disap­pointments, and have pitty'd you several times when I cou'd not help you.

Certainly my needs are so violent they cannot continue long; however, whilst I am concern'd with Sir Credulous Trinket, and Sir Populer, I must not think of a Reformation.

Sir Credulous Trincket, That's my Rival; Pry-thee what sort of a Gentleman is he? I have not the honour of his acquain­tance.

You are very unhappy in't, I'll promise you; He's a most facetious Person in his way; —first he read himself into Melanchol­ly, then was advis'd to Travel as an expedient, which he under­took, and is now return'd Freakish and Superstitious; he knows nothing o'the World, and is impos'd upon by every one.

I have had such an account of him— Well but I have wonder'd oft how you contracted this intimacy with Sir Populer?

First I got repute amongst his Creatures, and so had the [Page 5] opportunity of hearing him, and being in his Company long I discover'd him; which he perceiv'd, and thereupon declar'd himself to me; since we have unanimously Whedl'd our Blew­apron Men— the design on't you may Interpret easily.

Ay, I can apprehend it;— It seems now you have taught your Spirit to Truckle to your Interest.

Yes, yes, I can out cant a Tubster, out fawn a Rook, out promise a Courtier, and out swear an Evidence.

Well, Sir, I know your Business, here's a Gentleman with me now, but I shall be glad to see you to Morrow Morning.

A Pox o'these Dunns, they are as constant in a Morning as the Milk-woman;— I have warn'd the House I know not how oft to deny me to all Visitants without Swords.

Poor Shuffle!—Faith I never resented my own Condi­tion more sensibly than now;— I am only sorry my fortunes are so Scant, because I cannot supply thee;—Come along with me, I'll try the extent of my Credit.

SCENE. II. Sir Credulous's House, an Anti-Chamber.

Your Approbation Captain, your Approbation; did you ever hear a Mag-pye discourse more Ingeniously, or greater Reason since you were a Gentleman? Did ye?

I must confess not usually.

Usually; did you ever? Speak.

To be plain with you, Sir Cred. once I did, but it was at Paris;— I heard one there that had more French then several of your Gentry that had resided there some Years; it got my Name and Quality presently, I had a Familiar acquaintance with it.

[Page 6]

And learn'd all his French from it, I'll warrant him.

Well, but consider Captain, my Mag has not had the advantage of such a Gentleman's Conversation as your self; it was bred a plain Country Bird, and had no other Tutor till I came to Town, than the Curate.

A very promising Mag!

There was an Illiterate Cox-comb, t'other day, told me he wou'd not give me 5 Guineas for't.

Some rude undervaluing Rustick that understood not its excellencies.

But was your shattering acquaintance so accomplisht in good earnest?

It deserves a Panegyrick as well as some of our modern Heroes; It wou'd tell you i' the Night-time what a Clock, as ex­actly as the Bell-man; wou'd talk as quaintly upon occasion as an affected Citizen; wou'd repartee as smartly as a Mask in the Gal­lery:—several of our travelling Fops deriv'd from it their scraps of Complaisance, and little civil Impertinencies, they are daily troublesom with in Park and Play-house.

If it was not for these French Mag-pyes, I gess we shou'd not have so many English Owles.

But Captain, I'll presume to tell you, I can show you as great Rarities as all your Travels cou'd entertain you with.

My Curiosity will be oblig'd to you.

Jeffry! Here, take the Key of my Closet, and bring me Lisp and Quaker.

What are these Sir Cred?

A Brace of Animals, which the Vulgar take for Dogs; seriously, they resemble 'em so much, you'll scarce distinguish till you hear 'em discourse.

Sir you had left your Closet door unlockt, and Lisp's got out; one o'the Grooms told me he's gone to wait upon Sir Populer's Bitch home.

[Page 7]

Very probable, he was alwaies an obliging courteous Creature;—But where's Quaker?

Sir, he presents his service to you, and desires you to excuse him, he's ingag'd.

Ingag'd! Where, and upon what account?

With a Bone Sir, under the Dresser-board.

No, no, his absence cannot be dispenc'd with;—go and conduct him in immediately;—be as quick as a Juggler's hand.

Pish,—I have as many Fools Errands to run upon, as a well-meaning April-Bird.

Pray resolve me, Sir Cred. what these two Prodigies are design'd for.

Seriously Sir, I have made it my business to observe their humours severally; the one I find to be of a tractable Genius, he'll make a—

Good Guide for the Blind.

The other's of a more acid, cholerick temper; I design him for a—

Yard or an Orchard.

Wuh you clumsie Block-head you, cou'd not you make your entry with more decency than this?—Is that all the re­spect you give to your betters?

Respect! Ay, and too much for a worthless Tyke that de­serves not a Crust.

You know Sirrah your Ignorance excuseth you;—a Tyke!

Ay, and as contemptible an one as ever dy'd of a crook­ed Pin.

Well, ha' but a little patience, and I'll convince you presently,— Jeffry provoke him.

Now Captain, what think you on't, did not you per­ceive a choice accent in his exclamation?

[Page 8]

Ha, ha, nothing but the yelp of a pinch'd Cur.

Sir, I am sorry for you,—you hear still I perceive with a gross unrefind sence,—I'll assure you, I thought he was something Articulate;—but he's out a' humour now;— Jef­ry attend him in.

I wonder Sir Cred. a man of your contrivance, shou'd so much debase your noble Faculties;—Why don't you attempt some glorious Enterprize, and die a Heroe?

Seriously I am at present upon a Project which will be of greater use to the City than the Ditch; but most of all to the Insurers;—And that is this—I have devis'd an Engine to blow up the Thames, and so prevent all Popish Conspiracies by Water, for you know they have done their worst already by Fire.

the Watermen will abuse you then.

No, no, I'll prevent that,—I can convey it back in an instant by the Penny-Post.

Shaw that's an ignoble design; contrive rather the good of the whole Republick.

Think you so?

Ay, ay,—Erect some Gymnasium where Youth may be taught the Art of Addressing and Decoying young Virgins at twelve without being beholding to the Instiuctions of a good na­tur'd Mother, to Swear genteely, without frequenting Gaming Houses; to profane daringly without keeping the Wits Compa­ny;—and to be experienc't in all the modish sins of the Age without going to Court.

You propound Impossibilities Captain.

Not so Impossible as your project upon the Thames.

Make me but Iniquity Master General and I'll undertake it; and as the Age goes with success I'll warrant you.

Say you so?

Nay more;—I'll encourage it so far as to give 2 or 3 [Page 9] Mannors towards its endowment: But we'll discourse farther on't at Dinner; I dont much care if I Dine with you▪to Day.

Sir you'll do me Honour.

Marry Gad a Mercy—That was the Gymnasium he was con [...] all this time.

Well honest Jeffry; how do's Sir Credulous do?

What store of Visitants he has against Dinner time.

Why he's in a sit of Melancholy, and has order'd that no body shall have access to him.

I am a particular Friend man;—I'll go and divert him, he has not Din'd I suppose.

But if that wo'nt prevent you, this will—

From you Sir 'tis possible he may admit of a Visit, since there's on­ly two Gentlemen with him; one of'em's a Draper, the same that sent his Man to you Yesterday with a Note.

That Soliciting Rogue!—A Pox of his importunity—But why may not this same Youth smell my business?

I'll urge it farther—

Go tell the Gentleman I desire a word with him.

Ha!—He's at Dinner Sir, I must not disturb him.

At Dinner before Eleven! Ho Sir, you are a fine Fellow indeed;—Are you so quick at turning away Business?—Tis a piece of frugality your Master won't thank you for.

In good earnest Mr. Shuffle, there's so many, and such clear­ing Stomachs at his Table every Day, that thô there was as much variety as in Heliagabalus's Feast, 'tis peice meal't into as many re­versions as an Alms-basket,—Pray Sir, help me for your own sake, as well as mine, only to repel some constant Intruders, and then much good may do you.

1. Y'gad Jack here lives the Hospitable Knight.

2. Sweet-heart, how does my worthy Friend your Generous Master;—He's within, is not he?

Gentlemen, if your business be urgent, you may find him at the Swan on Fish-street-hill;—he waits upon a Country Lady there, that longs for a Codshead.

1. 'Sbud what does he mean?—He invited us this Morning.

2. Ay, and made us swear not to fail him.

He ne need not have put that constraint upon you.

Gentlemen, if it be any business that I can do, I am ready to serve you.

1. No, no, we'll wait upon him at another convenience.

2. 'Slife Tom, it cost me two pence (all the stock I had) at the Coffee-house i'th Morning,—I went to read the News, a purpose to provide my self of lies and hard words for him.

1. And I took a whetting turn ith' Walks about ten for a pre­parative;—a plague o'their disappointments.

2. S'hart, we had better have accepted Harry's Invitation;—but who wou'd have imagin'd this?

1. Come, let's to the Change, we'll pick up some body.

Gentlemen, won't you be pleas'd to leave your Names?

I'll engage they have as many as the Grand Seignior has Titles.

Or as an address of a whole County.

I desire to speak with Sir Credulous Tinklett if he be at leisure.

What nature, Pray Sir, is your business of?

[Page 11]

I have some Stones of value for him;—but I must deli­ver 'em to his own person.

I remember Sir, he was telling he expected you, and com­manded me to take these trifling concerns (as he call'd 'em from you;—and to desire you to wait his approbation.

Here Sir, I'm sure they'll please him.

Sir, he desires you to walk in, he'll dispatch you presently;—he has sent to a Lapidary to have 'em try'd.

I left a Customers in my Shop;—but I'll attend his ho­nour in a Trice.

A very fortunate riddance; ha, ha, ha,

What's the matter Sir?

Only some transparent Glass-bobs, that the Counterfeit Rascal has left in my possession;—he'll as soon peep through a Pillory, as come here again.

He wou'd ha' put these Toys upon Sir Credulous for real ones, I'll warrant, if you had not prevented him.

No doubt on't,—Come Jeffry we have made our Post good long enough.

SCENE III. Gulman' s Lodging.

I hope you have had success by your stay.

—Such success Madam, as you foretold before I went.

—Truly I doubted it;—was he in a sullen humour?

—Ay, as peevish as if his Wife had stay'd out late last Night;—There's a Broker, it seems, he has some concerns with, is run away.

—But did you whisper him as I order'd you?

—Yes, I told him you were just upon Marriage with Sir Populer, and if he did not give you credit for the Silks; things wou'd look a little suspiciously.

—And did you offer him such advantages as I directed you?

—Yes Madam, I urg'd every thing I thought might be effectual; I told him the safest way to secure his arrears, wou'd be to venture once more upon you.

And what answer'd he?

—Upon that, he examin'd his Shop-book, and show'd me your Accounts, the Total Sum I did not much observe, nor the Particulars; only the File of Items, which was as deep as a Flight of Wild-Geese.

—That base unreasonable Creature; has the Conscience then to put me down for the Necessaries I had from his Shop?—Thou know'st Wench, how unusually civil I was always to him, when I kept a convenient House.

I am sure Madam, he had 'em always fresh out o' the Countrey▪ without paying for a Maiden-head;—he was so nice always, I am sure a Lord has been glad of his refuse e'r now:—But you may see—

[Page 13]

'Tis e'en true, a past kindness now-a days is as little regard­ed, as a future promise; but what cou'd the ungrateful Wretch say to you?

After he had clos'd the Book, he broke out into passion, and swore he cou'd not wonder at your impudence, because you were so and so: But before the damn'd Bawd was any more Taw­dry at his charge, he won'd see her Ca [...]ted;—nay, he swagger'd worse then when he mist his Ring at our House.

At his charge base man!—It seems he looks upon the debt as desperate;—as I am a sinner, I fear he'll noise it abroad and betray me.

Never fear it,—though he has little good-meaning for you, yet the hopes he has of a change of your condition, will pre­vent him.

How must we do in this case Wench?—Let me die in a Ditch, if I be not as much at my wit's end, as I have been e'er now to direct a young unmanag'd sinner.

Never despair Madam, I have some comfort for you;—Don't you remember his eldest Prentice?—The same that rally'd so at our door one Sunday Night for entrance, when all our Beds and Couches were in use.

—Yes, and swore he wou'd have the House pull'd down the Shrove-Tuesday after;—But what of him?

I perceiv'd as I was i'th Shop, how diligently he watch'd the caste of mine eye; and now and then I seem'd accidentally to throw half a look at him, which he wou'd so far improve, as to re­turn me a familiar smile,—as who shou'd say—

Well.

— I observ'd this, and willingly forgot my Fan, which he very officiously follow'd me out with;—then after a cast of his Counter-courtesie, he promis'd me, such a trivial thing as my Er­rand exprest, shou'd not be wanting for my own sake.

And there was the cause o' your stay.

—He had nothing as earnest towards the bargain.

When do you expect him?

Exactly at nine—He'll be as punctual as a Tertian Ague.

[Page 14]

—You'll know how to pay him.

—Ay Madam, I thank your Conversation.

—Well, if this shou'd unfortunately fail, I must e'en be­take my self to the poor Whore's last refuge, grave honest Crape.

Truly Madam, 'tis a very modest agreeable dress, and e­specially for one of your design; since you profess as much Religion as a Lady Abbess, you must be as reserv'd in your habit too; Sir Po­puler will mistake your Necessity for your Zeal.

Then I must remonstrate against abominable Gauds; as he calls 'em.

—And rail against Point, as tedious Vanity.

—Against Neck lases and Pendants, as undercent costly Trumperies.

—Rich Gowns, you must call, Popish Seducers,

—And imbroider'd Petticoats, Man-catchers.

Hist! Sir Popular.

—Take comfort Girl, the good man was very full upon that point the last day; you took notice of his Doctrine?

Sister spotless you are well employ'd, I conceive; there are not many o' your Sex that imitate you now adays;—they'll rather exhort their Women to read a wanton Pamphlet, than a Paragraph of a good Sermon.

Plainly Brother, I was e'en reminding her of her great con­cern in this World,—we are all Flesh.

Ay Sister, but that consideration is but little laid to heart in these days.

—Especially amongst the Worldlings that are set above us.

—Never trust me, I am weary of this vexatious world, I wish I were well dispos'd out of it.

—Offences are given daily, and by those that shou'd heal 'em;—The parti-colour'd Priests put on their Masquerading Robes, and tread a French Dance to the sound of an Organ.

[Page 15]

Whilst the Judges give false measure, in the Whore of Babylon's Scarlet Petticoat.

—A Parchment Cloak of blank Deeds wou'd be a more seemly Wear for 'em a great deal:—Well, who knows, what they have to answer for!

Then what a pack of debaucht Reprobates are they a­bout court;—They haunt their Neighbours Board, and defile their Beds; and here amongst the number, if a teaching Brother carries but some crumbs of Consolation, to a Sister in anguish; how uncharitably will they interpret the duty.

What gaudy Kicshaws are their Women? In good truth, they're as common, as if the Land were unpeopl'd; and how hi­deous is their dress!—I have e'en resolv'd to put my self into a plain Primitive Grab; and defie the scornful:—Come, Faith my private duty calls upon me.

—'Tis about your Prayer time, forsooth.

This is the way I have chalkt out to compass my design; the Widow is Rich and Religious;—Well, my Addresses must be consonant with her Severity: I must Nose, Cant, and turn up my Whites, Squint, and counterfeit the reserv'd Purity of an Her­mit, to diguise me whilst I sue for such a Blessing:—In the mean time I must play the Patriot with Artifice, and Resolution; foment Fears and Jealousies, disperce Sedition, blind and baffle my unthinking Followers, and be concern'd only for the Religion of my Interest;—This is the taking sure way of repairing decay'd Reputations.

SCENE, Sir Popular's House.

I Think we have got fairly by our Passive Obedience, for­sooth! And yet for all this Court Doctrine we should find but few of the Sticklers but upon Tryal would hang an Arse to die Martyrs for it.

Alas, 'tis too sure, to our irreparable damage I fear;—We are undermin'd my Friends and Neighbours;—Po­pery and Slavery lurk under ground to blow up our Lives and Li­berties,—Our great Senate, that like a firm Bank, brav'd the Impetuous Flood, and confin'd it to its Channels, is remov'd; and now England, distressed England, is at the mercy of a threatning Deluge;—How soon it may break in upon us, we cannot tell;—The great Ministers, are Mercenary Pensioners; and Crea­tures to the French Interest; The Favourites are the high-flown Torys, a swarm of Insects bred of the malignancy of a corrupting Nation, and the few just men are stigmatiz'd with aspersions; Wit­nesses are manag'd, Courts of Justice are influenc'd, and though Imposts are but few for the present, I'll warrant they'll play us an after-Game with a witness, and Trade and Commerce is decay'd:—In brief, there's such traducing, shaming, tampering, and conspiring, that I never go to Bed, but I expect to rise with my Throat cut.

And too great reason you have for it,—whilst I was at the Nine-penny Ordinary t'other day, there came a person up to us, in the habit of an Oyster-wench, with Oyster-knives as sharp as Razors.

[Page 17]

—Some Jesuit sure enough.

Ay doubtless, he lookt suspiciously.

I had notice on't, and order'd the Watch to be dou­bled;—besides, the Constables was upon their Rounds all Night.

—Yet there was a Shooe-maker had the Skin of his Throat ripl'd as he slept upon a Bulk.

The Watch sav'd his life.

—Bloody Villains.

It was buz'd about at Richard's this Morning, that the Pa­pists had a private Meeting yesterdy, at One upon the Exchange, a­bout pulling down the Monument the first dark Night, to put the City to the charge of building two other.

One for the Memorial of the others ruine;—but how was it discover'd?

—They were fortunately over-heard, but slunk away i' the Crowd.

Cursed Devils!—I had a Letter from a Friend in the Country, that advis'd me to forbear French Wine; it seems the Grapes were poison'd upon the Vines;—They have got a trick of intoxicating the Air, several have been before the Chamber of poysoning for't.

Indeed, I have observ'd since this last Vintage, several pimpl'd Faces;—But our English Men—

Are a people of a robust Constitution, else we had seen alterations before this:—You have heard of the miraculous massacring Engine, that was found in Devonshire, by a Justice o' Peace that was a searching for Armour, han't you?

Only a blind imperfect account on't.

'Twil hurl out above five Miles such a sort of Wild-fire, as is nourisht by water, and not to be extinguisht but by Fasting and Prayer.

Matchless wickedness!

—Then 'twill sling for the same distance, an instru­ment infallibly mortal, without either piercing or discolouring the Skin; so that a Crowner knows not how to return the Inquest.

Barbarous Villany!

[Page 18]

But the worst is, it assassinates the Soul as well as the Body, unless one be Spiritually Cap-a-pee'd.

—'Tis more terrible then Totchy Old Time with a sharp Syth in his Hand.

'Tis charg'd upon occasion with a large measure full of Dispensation Powder, and loden with the Case—Shot of Equi­vocation, which the Popish Engineer so artificially Dischargeth, that the carnally naked infallibly Perish.

Horrid Butchery!

I remember now I have heard on't;—But you mistake the manner of its discovery, Sir Popular.

Very probable, the confusion o'the times disorder my Memory.

It came from beyond Seas in a Letter which exprest the use on't; and was directed to a great Roman Catholick in the West, but through scarcity of Paper it broak the vale and appear'd.

Wonderful providence.

But how little do these Conspiracies awake us? What miraculous signs of a Sickly State appear daily? 'Tis not long since whole Armies appear'd in the Air, near Durham, and the French Standard display'd.

Not long since Anti-christ was seen Riding upon the Beast with the Whore of Babylon behind him.

'Tis not long since Hail-stones fell in the Fashion of Crucifix's and Agnus Dei's.

Nor since one o'the Heads upon Westminster-Hall cry'd fire.

Not long, since the Horse in the Poultry-Market nic­ker'd for Provinder.

But the City would give him none.

Not past a Month since, the Watch saw a Dreadful Comet that hover'd above the Banqueting-House, and stream'd out it's Scarlet Tail towards the City.

Ay; and one of the Life-Guards lighted his Pipe at it. All.—Daring Brute.

—But that which dismays me the most, my Friends, is an Apparition my own Eyes were witness of; It was in the lik­ness [Page 19] of an Aged man, Riding upon a Jaded Rainbow; and out of his mouth there proceeded a Label with this Inscription—O England, prepare, for dessolation is at hand.

Good Heavens!

Sure the Harbinger had made a long Journey, by the faul­tring of his Steed.

Yet all these preter-natural Omens cannot Alarm a self-secure Generation;—How many Suns of late have ap­pear'd in the Heavens? How many Moons of differing Figures and Magnitude have been seen at once, to the Distraction of Astrology?

How many tall Men and mixt Monsters have been shown of late at Bartholomew-Fair; even to the admiration of Men, Women and Children.

Brutus was never more concern'd for the sinking Liber­ties of his Fellow Sublects then I am; the Sword of Tyranny like that of Damocles hangs by a single Hair over our Heads, and if we only gaze at the threatning Spectre, without providing against the Portent; we may expect the violation of our Lives and Liber­ties, Rights and Religion;—But now my Friends we'll ad­journ, and at our next Convention, we'll propound such measures as are most consistent with our present Calamities.

Hist! Mr. Zeale, Mr. Zeale.

You must send me a Bever, I am so much out upon the Cause, I must be endebted to you at present.

'Tis the same thing Sir, you shall have the choice in my Shop.

And he shall have more o' my Custom.—

How soon the gaudy Bubble disappears.

—Alone Cousin!—You'v been rapt up in Lovers Paradise.

—I was discanting a little, upon a passage I have read in a French Novel.

—And you the Heroin;—You are glorying in your Conquests over your vanquisht Admirers.—

You are in your pleasant vein Cousin.

—I am always in't;—I have no Murther'd Ser­vants to answer for, I thank my Complexion; no languishing Lover has catcht cold with syrenading under my Windows; I was never accused in the Mystical Name of Cloris by the Dying Sonneteer, nor blam'd as an Accessary in his Swan-like Dirge;—Nay, I never caused the Death of a young Tree, by an Anagramming Pen­knife, I never—

[Page 21]

Receiv'd a present of Value from a Servant, and then decla­red you hate him;—you never gave a Rhithming Lover a Sub­ject to allude upon, and then exposed his endeavour.

If a young generous Fop prevents me, and swears his Life depends upon my Acceptance; I cannot be so barbarously scornful as to see a towardly Fool cut off;—or if an unfortunate pretender must needs discover his Dullness, I am forc't to comply with him, and use him accordingly, to be rid of farther importunities.

Now, I am much of another Humour,—I cou'd not receive a Gift from one I disrespected; nor laugh at his Poetical Im­perfections;—I shou'd rather pity him, tho' not many deserve it.

Come Cousin, that Sigh betrays you; be free with me;—Has not that Gentleman that makes visits to you, and you be­lieve to be the only brave Man upon Earth; given you Reason to retract your Opinion? Ay, a Conscious blush too,—Well, I per­ceive your disorder,—We'll have a Song to divert you,—Here— Lyddy, Sing your new Song.

[Page 22]

Well Cousin, how do you relish the Ayr?

I suppose the Words were the love-task of some o' your ob­sequious Admirers.

Ay, and the Composure too;—He excus'd himself with the Poets Apology for their dullness, haste; pretending they were his extemporary Thoughts over a Glass of Wine, tho one wou'd scarce perceiue it by the Spirit.

Madam, Yonder's a Gentleman desires to kiss your Hand; I show'd him into the Dining-Room, and left him rubbing his Sword.

'Tis that Fierce, Vapouring, Coward, Bravado, I fancy; and I had as soon receive a Visitant in the Small-Pox, only 'twill be no disposing of him before my Unkle's return, unless I go and con­trive some way.

My Joy! [ salutes her] 'Tis true, I have liv'd since I saw you last, but no otherways than dying Parents, that for the hopes of seeing an only Child, and feeling Death come stealing on, will set their Teeth, contract their Fist, recal their palling Spirits, and struggle with appointed time; I have liv'd to see you once again, now let me die, I cannot choose a dearer place than this.

And wou'd you die without me?—How cou'd I survive you?

Thou Miracle of Women!—You have all the Perfections of your Species, without the Frailties, you have Wit and Discreti­on without Design; you are Humble & Easie without making your self Familiar, and Modest without being Coy; you are constant in spight of Importunities, and Beautiful though a Fortune; you are—

—Since I have some Qualities that please you, I shall va­lue my self the more; But Dearest, why did you stay?

[Page 23]

My Heart;—I came as directly at the hour, as Death, before, I was loath,—least Sir Populer should be within, and my Visit renew his Suspition.

My Watch then was like my Wishes, too forward, I expe­cted you this live-long half-hour, and with as much impatience, as Chymists do, for the result of some Experiment; a Thousand Fears as great as Love could frame, distracted me.

But how long Madam may we believe, the time will be our own? When returns Sir Popular?

O presently, within this half hour.

We must husband it with such caution, as a besieg'd Town does, their failing Provision.

—Madam, Sir Populer is newly come in, and has sent to speak with you.

The news of Peace never came more unseasonably to the Souldier of Fortune.

—With what reluctancy I obey, let my sighs demon­strate;—My Dearest, you may be safe here from the busie eye of jealousie; if possible, I'll steal a visit to you.

The kindest power that ever favour'd love, attend thee.

The rarest piece, the whole Creation has produc'd, is gone;—What—cannot I bear one hours absence? How shall I compose this unruly Passion? When she's for ever doom'd to a Rival's Arms?—The raging Storm of Love heaves in my breast, and like the weather-forc'd Marriner that labours to avoid the Shore he wisheth for. I must refuse, what I esteem so dear; I love her too well to Marry her, my unkind Fortune forbids the Banes; I cou'd not see her condition below her worth and quality, and therefore must be cruel out of kindness.

Dear Captain Roman, I am thine abundantly.

—You expect I shou'd return you the same Title back? but how came you here?

[Page 24]

What an impertinent question is that to one of my corre­spondence amongst the Ladies;—Why, pretty Mrs. Charlietta cou'd not be well, till she saw me.

—She wanted a Vomit, I suppose, and thought that the sight of you might provoke it.

—I protest Roman, if I thought you design'd it as an A­buse, I wou'd not take it.—

—If I shou'd tell thee thou wert handsom, I shou'd abuse thee indeed.

By the Life of Hercules, there's scarce a Lady of Quality about White-hall, but has my Picture.

—To hang up among their Caesars o' the French Draught.

——What a Devil! your so witty—But what de'e think if it be for their Cabinet Contemplations;—I am in Water-Co­lours I assure you.

—'Tis true, thou art well enough for a Foyl,—But what brought thee hither to me?

—My little Genius Charlietta directed me;—Sir Popular surpriz'd us—a plague of his interruption.

You were a bouncing of your lofty Heroick Lyes I'll warrant.

I protest to tell you truly I was promising pretty largely, there was—

—Some Matrimonial Affair in hand?

Will you not disclose.

—Prithee don't enjoyn me to secresie; I don't desire you shou'd communicate any thing that requires it.

You have more Honour than to betray a Love Parol I am sure,—know then I had got her consent.

To marry?

No, but to enjoy the Freedom on't without the Form.

—It cannot be sure.

'Slife there's no holding out where I Besiege, she Surren­dered upon the first Summons, our Parley was very short.

I am surpris'd, tho', I confess, I had but little Knowledge of her;—Well,—There's not above one Virtuous Woman.

[Page 25]

One! That's too many by 'th Exception;—Why who wou'd ha' thought her Cousin Juliana had been common?

— Juliana common!

—Ay as a Bench in a publick Walk;—We Coacht it out a Town together Yesterday.

Rascal Dog, you Lie, you abuse her;—but here's her Vindica­tion.

Why,—What's the Matter? I meant like a Friend, I knew you lov'd her, and therefore took this Occasion to undeceive you.

Sirrah, I have scarce Patience to wait for a farther Information; yet the Respect I have to the quiet of the House, shall prevail with me at present, but be satisfy'd, thou shalt speak it to her Face, and as I find occa­sion, I'll proceed.

If she denies it, I have Circumstances will silence her.

Sir, My Cousin sent me to desire your Patience, I fear her concerns will force her to be uncivil a little longer.

—That's happy.

—Madam, Your Presence will teach us to Dispence with your Cousin's Absence.

—Captain Bravado, this was a Courtesie to entertain this Gentleman with your Company all this time.

Faith Madam, I was never disobliging, especially when comman­ded by so fair a Lady as your self.

I fear Sir, your Complaisance may be Injurious to you.

No Madam, my Business is not very extreme; tho' there's an assig­nation waits me; then I have Two or Three Challenges to write and send away.

Challenges!

Ay Madam, one is to a Courtier that pretends to Love where I do; another is to a Poet that reflected upon me under one of his Characters; the Third is to an Officer that jostl'd me in a Crowd, and never begg'd my Pardon.

Sensible affronts indeed;—but I hope you'll stay and Caress Madam Towers, the Beauty of Hatton-Garden, before you go,—list—she's coming up I think—

You, Roman, How came you thus acquainted with this same Madam Towers? By Jove a pretty Woman.

What wou'd he mean?

—Why the Lady that whisper'd you;—I thought I had Lam­poon'd all the handsom Women in Town;—I never see this before.

[Page 26]

Never see her, say you?

—No, as I'm a Man of Honour.

—It was my Cousin Juliana.

—No!

—Yes Sirrah, this was the very Lady you made so Infamous; this was your Wench at will;—Draw Dog—Draw, thou some­thing less than Coward.

No Courage, Dastard.

Prythee, don't take this Advantage, my Sword's not in Case.

—No Excuse shall give thee Refuge Slave, I'll fetch thee one that is.

Confound his Civility;—I'll go and choose one for my self, I thank him.

—Was ever Coward thus bafl'd before?

Ha!—Is he gone?—Has he abus'd me again this way?

—He was resolv'd not to be guilty of a second rashness.

—Well, he knows the greeting he must have, when we meet.

—He was in hast to send away his Challenges.

—If the fixt opinion I have of Juliana's Vertues cou'd have been shaken, I had resign'd it upon this Rascal's aspersion; But Madam, I must beg of you not to take notice on't to her, it may trouble her;—my hopes of seeing her now, won't invite me to stay; her business I fear is in dispensable.—Lady your Servant.

S'death, is not the Coward return'd yet?

Yes, but Mr. Roman's newly gone.

By the Martial Deity it was his safest course, else I wou'd have had no more mercy on him, than a tedious Poet has of an Actor's memory.

O brave!—I wonder you that are so bloodily inclin'd shou'd have so much mercy of your self as to avoid him.

Why de'e think I wou'd trust him to choose a Blade for me;—The very Sword he drew against me, was mine in point of Honour; I gave it him thrice upon terms.

—Mr. Bravado, I must needs tell you, I question your Courage; and nothing but some bold piece of Chivalry, can redeem your Reputation.

Command me Madam an Impossibility, and I'll effect it; Shall I fetch you the Sultan's Head out of the midst of his Janizares? Or the Pope in Effigy from the strength o' the Rabble? Shall I bring you—

Nothing but that Sword o' yours that Roman wears.

That Madam, is so mean an attempt, 'twill fully my honour; but since you command it, to morrow you shall see it laid at your feet.

[Page 27]

Well, remember it;—but I have out-stay'd my time I must go—

That's the only tryal I cannot stand; But is—there no contri­vance, Madam, can continue you another Lovers minute.

Not now, Sir;—Then you know Sir Popular's conclusions when he sees a Stranger here.

Can you bestow me in no place conveniently, till opportunity present?

Let me see—Ho, I have it,—There stands a low Ta­ble there sometimes; now if you'll couch upon your hands and knees, if any shou'd chance to come in, they'll mistake you for it; I'll disguise the design with a Carpet;—I know no other way of securing you, till I can wait upon you.

The posture will be a little uneasie, but the consideration of such a blessing after it, will teach me to endure it.

You must kneel here.

Here—Boy—

bring the little Persian Carpet out o' the Dining-Room.

He becomes a Carpet better than a Sword,—I'll be merry with him, if he be not pre-discover'd; such a triumphing Coward cannot be a­bus'd enough.

How do I look, Wench, since I reform'd my Dress?

—Indeed Madam, as taking, as one of five and fifty can be.

Five and fifty Huzzy; 'tis only five and thirty, I have been no more this twenty years;-—'Tis not so long since I was in a Lampoon; but Youth wou'd be as inconvenient to one of my design, as 'tis to a Beardless Candidate for a Bishoprick.

By all that's good, that nauscious old sinner Mother Gullman;—Is she then Sir Popular's Rich Widow?—Well, this Wind may blow me some profit;—I'll pretend I do not know her.

A Stranger here Forsooth!

—Lady I come in the behalf of Sir Popular Jealous, and do as­sure you, an important occasion detains him at present from kissing your fair hands.

I am sorry Sir Popular shou'd make choice of such an unwelcome Mediator;—Go, go, and repeat your branching Vanities to your fine tawdry Gugaws; you are mistaken here.

Mistaken, Madam, that cannot be, you are a Fortune, I want one, and Sir Popular needs none.

—What wou'd this troublesome young Fellow say?

[Page 28]

Faith nothing Madam, but I Batchelor take you Widow; Come, come, reclaim a young Extravagant by the surest way, Marriage—There 'tis in short.

You scandalous, vain, paultry Scoundrel, that never bless your self but when you snees; a shilling o' your own, I'll warrant, is as rare to be seen with you as an Eclipse, and you cou'd have the impudence to talk at this rate to me; I wou'd as soon marry a Criminal under the Gallows;—so take that for your final answer.

Now Madam, to return you my sense of your Denial in your own Dialect, you are a mercenary, loathsom, superannuated, ugly Sinner; you have Bawded almost ever since you left Bulking; one o' your Names is Gullman, I remember your House by a lasting Token; you have more Di­seases about you then a whole Campaign in a hot Summer; you are worse plaister'd and patcht up than an old leaky calkt Vessel;—'Tis high time indeed you set up for a Fortune;—I'll draw the Curtain and ex­pose you, and will have you sent to Bridewell immediately.

Dear Worthy Sir, for goodness sake, consider, you'll utterly ruine me; if you do this, I am undone for ever.

There's no way to relieve you but one,

—Any way, dear Sir, rather than that.

—Well, the tender regard I have to the extremity of any one's condition, has so far wrought upon me, that I am willing to come to a Ca­pitulation with you.

Your Terms, sweet Sir?

You shall give me a Bond for 500 l. to be, due precisely upon your marriage with Sir Pop.—if he fails you, the Contract shall be void.

—But you'll endeavour to promote the Match then for your own private Interest, as well as mine.

—That I will;—You shall be represented to all advanta­ges I'll promise you.

—Provide but the Writings, and I am satisfy'd.

—Sister Spotless, I bid you welcome to this earthly Mansion.

Brother Jealous you have my thanks sincerely.

—I conceive, our beloved friend Shuffle, wou'd acquaint you with my business;—in earnest, he's a good man.

—Plainly, I have great hopes in him; I was recollecting his me­mory with some wholsome Passages out of a Manual I have at home.

I have a small piece in this Room, that was writ by a worthy Elder of Tower-street, that fled afterwards into New-England;—I'll recom­mend it to you Sister.

[Page 29]

—'Tis remov'd—I know not where to look it.

—It may be fali'n down about that Seat Brother.

Good Sister speak to't,—I am unfit,—I had no Devotion in my Family this Morning.

—Alas Brother, I have a mortal aversion to all Spirits but my own.

In the Name of Goodness, what art thou?

Nothing but your humble Servant Lady,—My Name's Bravado.

How's this!—Some Popish Priest, that design'd to fire the House—Hoa, hoa, within there.

—Secure this Suspicious Person in the Garret, till I be at leisure to take his Examination and commit him.

—What Providence was here! We might have been all blown up.

—All their Villanies are detected;—Come Sister, I'll order him to be brought before the face of Justice, and then give him over to con­dign Punishment.

SCENE, Toper' s House.

Was ever honest man thus tormented with a confounded abusive Wife;—S'bud,—here's one of her Badges grieves me so, I am scarce able to lift a Glass to my head,

but here's my Comforter for all that.

This I was forc't to secure with as much caution, as a Sailor does a prohibited Truck:

Ha!—marry if 'twas not for this refocillation, I shou'd look as forlorn, as a Bottle half out.

Ah, ah—this Brandy's a friendly creature.

Alac, alac, I am a dying man, my Hour-glass is al­most run out, and she's so watchful, 'twill be difficult to replenish it.

—My dear old Pitcher, art thou whole yet?

—No, I have almost lost one of my ears;—She checquer'd my Corps like a Chess-board for my last Bout with you;—A drought choak her for an unreasonable creature, I han't slept over a Pot, nor set a Glass▪ upon its head this two days, Mun.

Profound abstinence! There's a mortifying pennance indeed:—By Bacchus I have been at the death of a Sea-Captain, and two Dutch Mer­chants, since you and I breath'd one another at Isaac's last.

What did you drink?

—True Nants;—I challeng'd 'em at their own Weapons, [Page 30] by Stingo we had a smart Ingagement on't; we pour'd it down like Ca­taracts, till we were so inflam'd, you might have made Slap-dragons in our Mouths.

O Man, for such a Risk now!

By Jove, I came to promote it.—Here will be that solid trifle Sir Credulous,—the Reckoning will be his.

—Alac, alac, I doubt I must not go along with you.

—Illustrious Knight, give me leave to lick your feet.

—I am sorry Sir, I have never a Cask o' Brandy to bid you wel­come with.

—Seriously Gentlemen, I left a Scene of pleasant diversion to wait upon you.

Then Sir we must acknowledge our Obligation to be the greater.

Was it some Bowl o' Punch Sir?

No, no, a more delicious entertainment;—it was a Com­bat betwixt a Flesh-fly and a Spider; but after some dispute, the vanquish't Fly beg'd Quarter with what voice she had; but I left her to the fury of the mercy-less Insect.

—'Twas unkind not to relieve her.

—Here, Sir Credulous have at ye.

—I shou'd like an Encounter with that, better than the Spider's skirmish with the Fly.

—I must crave your pardon Sir, I am not dispos'd to pledge you, I drink nothing at present but the simplest Spring-water that flows.

—What's this?—Did not you give me your honour that we shou'd carouse it with whole Cisterns in a hand, and Volleys of Huzzahs at every health.

—But, since; I have consulted the Configurations of the Hea­vens, and I find that Mercury my little influencing Planet forbids it; he is Retrograde, and till his motion be direct, I must forbear.

Prithee Knight don't be superstitious, or if you must, let Bacchus be your Tutelar Power; he deserves to be a Constellation the best of all the Pack;—He's the jolliest Heroe amongst 'em.

Seriously Gentlemen, if I had apprehended, you wou'd have de­sir'd me to drink; I shou'd scarce have come.

Sirrah, thou drunken, drousie Sot, how oft have I charg'd you to forbid this thirsty spunging hollow Shurk the house;

Let me see him within these Walls again, and I'll batter thee worse than I wou'd do an Ale-house Windows.

Hey!—but why so netl'd good Madam? If I keep him com­pany, [Page 31] I pay my Club with him; and as for the Civilities I receive from him here, he cannot say they are unreturn'd, when I have an opportunity at my Lodgings.

Thou Lodgings! Ay, may be such as the Constable provides for thee, when he finds thee drunk;—Thou art like some Fatherless Libel▪ condemn'd and disown'd; and no body dare entertain thee for fear of scandal; Thou art so notorious a Bilker, that White-Fryars refuseth thee.

If you were any thing but a—

But a what, Rascal?

A passionate Woman, you wou'd not use this Language to a Gen­tleman.

A Gentleman, you pitiful insignificant Scoundrel; 'Tis a clear Gentleman then I'm sure, What Lands have you, or ever had, but what you carry upon your Shooes in dirty Weather? What other Tenement, but that crasie Cottage, that Kennel for your Soul? It had dilapidated be­fore this, if that steep't Punch-Bowl there, had not repair'd it.

She's more abusive than a Bill in Chancery;—Observe how I'll bob her.

Sirrah, how came the Parlour Hangings cut, the Chinay broke, the Carpet stain'd? Tell me, or Ill use you worse, than the Posts do, as you reel along.

What, what's the matter Lady?—I meant you no harm by my troth.

Do ye sport with me, you babling Buffoon, get you gone a­mongst your Play-fellow, and be waggish there.—I'll scower the House of you all—Out with ye—

Tho' the stupid Block-head, has not sence himself to that degree as to be jealous; yet his Companions by their too frequent residence here, may be injurious to my unsuspected pleasures; but now these trifling fears are remov'd, and my kind youthful Gallant may come secure from the turn of Interruption:—Though such a Husband may be a Womans grief upon one account, yet the good ill Quality may be useful upon another;—When my Lover is not expected, I confine the Sot to his hated Abstinence; but when his presence wou'd be troublesom, I indulge his weakness, and the easie Fool thankfully withdraws.

SCENE, A Coffee-House.

1. NO, no, we shan't have a Parliament this half year, I have a great suspicion of some Court practices, let me tell you that.

2.—Ay, there was a Council not long since, where 'twas debated a­bout the establishing of a standing Army; but the result on't I shan't know till to morrow.

1. For certain Neighbour?

2. Ay, ay, but too sure, I had it from the mouth of one o' my Lord President's Grooms.

3. There was a Stranger at my Shop very lately, that told me, the French Ambassador had a private Audience about some Affairs that nerely concer­ned the Liberty o' the Subject.

1.—But Providence, I hope, will defeat all their Machinations.

2. Here Boy, bring me the Impartial Protestant Mercury.

What News Mr. Fickle?

2. Here's some that's material.

From Colchester we are inform'd, That on the 22d▪ Instant, a certain poor Journey-man Taylor lay intranc'd for some days, and cou'd not be reduc'd to the least sense by all the Extre­mities cou'd be apply'd;—at last after several painful groans, the Or­gans of his Body begun to be dispos'd, and he return'd to himself; after which, he sent away for a learned Divine▪ and tender'd him this following account, viz. That something appear'd to him in the likeness of an Eagle, with Magna Charta under its Talons; then presently he heard a voice in these words, This is England' s Emblem, unless it use means.—Which Relation was not a little surprizing to all True Protestants there present.

'Twas only some Surfeit o' Cucombers.

And Magna Charta under its Talons!—How exactly did the Vision represent Tyranny cowering over Liberty.

—How desolate with thou be, to see the Honourable Court of Aldermen slavishly whipt with their own Fasces!

[Page 33]

[...]hen our Chests will be rifl'd, our Goods and Chattels distrain'd, [...], and so be hang'd at our own expence.

[...] Conventicles must be turn'd into Quires, our grave formal [...] fly Copes, whilst Hopkins and Sternhold blow the Bellows [...] the Organs.

Our Matrons will be Ravisht, our Daughters Deflowr'd, our Children brought up in profane Toryism.

The face o' the times seem to threaten all this, and still we put the danger far from us.

I wish the Divination of a Strowling Gypsie prove not too fatally consequent.

Do ye mean the Prophesie in Seventy Eight?

No, another since, but altogether to the same purpose; only in dif­ferent Words and Postures;—This last, star'd and rav'd and foam'd, and then howl'd out in a dreadful Tone, the Dragon of Bow, will devour the Grashopper of the Exchange.

Trade you see must truckle to Superstition.

The signs on the Change, to the sign of the Cross.

—Lawful Gain, to Peter-pence.

—The Frock, to the Sirplice.

—The Shop-Book, to the Mass-Book.

And a good bargain of Wares to—

—An ill one of Errors.

—But since there's means, my Friends and Neighbours, let us be resolute; shall we be trampl'd upon like Worms, when we may resist like Lyons? Let us Petition, Protest, Remonstrate, Covenant, and Associ­ate against the Common Enemy; let us set apart a day of Humiliation for a Blessing upon our undertakings; let none of us grudge our Christian Con­tribution to relieve our distrest Religion; it lies bleeding, and her gaping Wounds cry loud for Oyl, whilst we only look on and pitty; let us make a Publick Bank, and list our selves under St. Michael, to go out against the Dragon and his Angels.

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

Come, my Friends, our present Concerns desire more pri­vacy.

Kindly-Welcome Gentlemen.

Dam these dull drousie Coffee-Houses; I hate 'em;—None but your dosing Dunces of business come in 'em;—I had as soon be seen in a Church as here.

O Sir, these are of great convenience to a Republick, I'll assure [Page 34] you; for beside the incomparable virtue of the Berry, you may know [...]here daily how the Pulse of the State beats.

Pray don't tell me o' your State Symptoms, if it be discompos'd▪ I cannot retrieve it, unless a healing Draught, my own prescription, will do it.

Ay, that's the only Restorative when all's done.

And we shall ha' work for't presently: we are so nigh your house, we shall have all the Mum-Glasses, and Coffee-pots about our ears quickly.

What do you mean by that Mr. Flush?

Why, I fear the Inquisition of Toper's Hellish Wife, that piece of eager Wine upon the Fret.

I frequent Coffee-Houses so seldom, she'll never suspect I am here man.

Mr. Toper, I can secure you three days to your own disposal, without interruption from her.

Marry, Heavens bless you Worthy Sir, but how?

I'll administer a certain thing of the nature of an Opiate, but made up of the choicest Ingredients the four Elements cou'd afford.—'Tis compounded of the Animal Spirits of a Dormouse, and several invalu­able Simples refin'd by extraction; one Scruple provokes a dead sleep with­out intermission for three days.

For pity sake, give her one Thousand, I'll pay for 'um with all my heart.

Alas Sir, the Treasures of the East wou'd not do it, yet however out o' revenge to her, and good will to you, I'll prepare a Semi-scruple more.

And I'll drink your Health as long as I can stand.

What a parcel of Improbabilities lie scatter'd about here?—What's this?—The Domestick Intelligence?

O let's hear that by all means; it insists upon the Revolutions of our own Country—Let's hear if—

The English Genius be as pregnant at invention, as the Foreign;—Well—.

Yarmouth, Nov. the 6th. This day a Vessel la­den with Clare [...]s, was forc't upon the Sands, and was slav'd, before she cou'd be got off; but all her Crew came safe a-shoar.

Marry, I shou'd ha' lik'd the News better if the men had been lost, and the Wine sav'd.—A Murrin take the Storm.

—By the next [...]umper, if I had been aboard, I wou'd have imbrac'd a sinking Hogshead, and gone to the bottom merrily.

O mun, the Tritons had a blessed time on't.

—Ay, there was roaring doings amongst 'um;—Sure 'twas a Jovial sight, to see old Neptune pierce a Vessel with his Trident, and all the watery Court drinking round in full Shells.

—Then reeling along and breaking their Heads against the Rocks.

—Seriou [...]ly, 'twou'd be ravishing to hear the frolick Syrens sing, Down the Red Lane.

[Page 35]

—And to see the sociable Souls knock upon a wrackt Hull for more Liquor.—Oh!

And the Green-sickness Nymphs simpering at full ones,—Puny Sluts.

—'Twas always my Hypothesis, that the Reflux was caus'd by their drinking, and the Flux by their disemboagning.

—And a very reasonable supposition too.

—Indeed Gentlemen, I have spent some years study in searching into the Oeconomy of that Element, but not with the satisfaction my curiosity requires; I am now thinking to descend in a Vehicle of Glass, and so p [...]y into that Constitution, I shall be taken for some Chrystalline Rock.

Poo—this only loseth time. Boy—A Glass o' Mum.

Jackanapes—why no fuller? Here's not above two Gulps.

—'Tis right Brumswick, indeed Sir.

—Pray Sir show me that Intelligence you had in your hand.

—No, no, we shall be too late.

'Tis no matter then;—I had only a little occasion to look amongst the Advertisements.

Have you found some Spaniel, or stray'd Horse?

—No, but I have lost an elaborate Thought; if any o' the Poets find it, I shall never have it again.

Never fear it Sir Credulous, they commonly publish all they have, and more too a great many times.

Mine are remarkable, I shall distinguish it,—But are you not for a Dish of Coffee?

No, no, I hate to have a puddle o' your Outlandish Nusance cloging my Stomack.

Puh.—a scouring Bottle of Pontack will scour it again, Mun.

Nusance! Take it from me, its Vertues are unknown;—But what say you to a Glass of Mum.

Loathsom, ropy stuff; the tir'd Citizen's recruit: I need none of their Artificial Provocations▪

Sweet-heart, qualifie a Dish of Coffee with an allay of Tea.

Faith let's be for Harry's now, I am for honest Trinkelo, I han't had my stowage this two days.

—Come Sir Credulous, now for a sprightly Cup.

Wellcome Gentlemen.

SCENE II. Sir Popular' s House.

But wou'd not Sir Popular be very severe with you if he was in­form'd who you were?

[Page 36]

Ay, as the Prentices are upon a Pillory'd Papist; there was a pious Baggage with him, did help to exasperate him the more.

I am sorry for your misfortune.

Let me be hang'd, if I was not baited by a rack o'Slaves, worse than a Pick-pocket; they lug'd me about, and stript me; and accus'd me of a design to fire the House, and that my Snush box was a Granado.

But cou'd not the Boy that admitted you, resolve the doubt?

When I alledg'd, I had several honourable Visits to your Ladiship the little heedless Lace-coat said, he had never seen me here.

That forgetful Jack!

—But when the Constables came with their painted Authority in their hands, one of 'em knew me, and confirm'd what I had said before in relation to my self; then Sir Popular beg'd my pardon, and promis'd me his assistance in the promotion o' the Match; which, Madam, I hope you'll please to bless with your consent.

As soon as you present me with Roman's Sword.

Alas Madam, 'tis too degenerous a Trophy, only your Commands will gloss it.

—Well Sir, I hope the next time I see you, to see the Sword in your hand.

I Protest Madam, to tell you truth, I do a little dispair of disarm­ing the Coward to day; my Engagements are so obliging, I fear I can scarce neglect 'em to correct his late insolence.—But—

These Men of Honour are always so taken up;—'Tis some dwelling business I fancy.

Ay, by your fair self, and with both Sexes, let me perish.

—You are a Man o' business, Mr. Bravado.

—My Lady Love-all

sent to me to be at my Lodgings about three; her Coach, it seems, must stop there; I had no sooner read her Billet, but I had another to unknot from my Lord Scruple, a ticklish resenting Puppy;—I must second him i'th' Morning.

I never thought my Lord had been quarrelsom.

No more he is; he has ill nature enough, but he wants Courage, hang him, I have been very smart on his Livery, have banter'd his Coach and Horses, ridicul'd the conceit of his Dress, check'd the rudeness of his Caresses, corrected the harshness of his French, the darkness of his Stanzas; and from me all this seem'd like privilege.

'Tis like Sir, you might claim a particular freedom, as his Familiar.

No Faith, I past all ths upon him at Longs's the first time I saw him; though if one, he suspected wou'd not fight, had but misplac't the least Tittle, he wou'd have improv'd it to a breach of Civility, and then ha' grown Captious.

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So much for my Lord; now for my Lady Love-all; if I mistake her not, she's none o' the most correct Pieces.

As disorderly a Maukin as ever was beholden to art;—She has a cast of an eye, which I perswade her is a wanton, delicious Ogling; then her Lips are bloated, which she calls full and pouting; and her Chin is reflext, but she complements the deformity as a dimple; then her com­plexion is a kind of a Hue made up of all colours, and changeable accord­ing to the position of the eye.

So,—your description is copious enough a'ready; yet it seems you can dispence with all these Errata's.

I protest her Passion is so unmanageable, she'll admit of no repulse. Nay, she'll betray it in publick; She's now working me a Suit o' Lace which she expects I'll wear.

'Twere pitty Sir to disappoint so kind a Creature, which I am a­fraid you must do, if your stay here be any longer;—I wou'd not detain you another Minute for all the Joys you carry along with you;—Therefore, pray, if you must be formal, take your leave.

If the Queen of Love shou'd come to court me, to the full possession of her store, I wou'd refuse the sueing Charmer for one Kiss of that invit­ing Hand: Ay, tho' my Principle was in the Field, and stripping to encoun­ter; I am sure I shou'd struggle with my honour, before I cou'd leave you.

Fie Sir, this is too soft, this Spirit will never disarm Roman.

I cou'd as soon be kick't, and—

Mr. Bravado, What are you gone?

—How! Was that sparkish thing here, and gone?

—Ay, and in all the haste that a Coward can make from the pursuit of danger;—I'm beholden to you Sir, else it wou'd ha' been as diffi­cult to ha' remov'd him, as 'tis to separate an old Statesman and his Opinion.

—I am sorry Madam, I was not instrumental to your deli­very a little sooner.

Truly his Company was as insupportable, as a noise of Beggars is to a Miser; first he tortur'd me with an endless display of Prowess; then made a Digression to the Women, how passionate some person of Honour was for him; and—

I fear he'll scarce make me a Consident to his Amorous Atchieve­ments any more.

No,—you did not acquit your Trust with that Fidelity was requi­site; but he resolves to correct you for't—I have appointed him pro­portionably a harder Task than ever Hercules undertook.

Is it to discharge a Pot-gun without winking.

No, 'tis only to make me a Present; I conceit I cou'd weild a [Page 38] Sword well, and shou'd fancy yours in particular; but I have made a Vow to receive it from no hand but his.

He'll sooner venture to snatch one out o' the hand of Justice.—But where's your Cousin Madam?

Gone to the New-Exchange Sir,—Did not her Boy give you a Letter?

Yes, but it did not take notice where she was; only, that her re­turn wou'd be within less than an hour.

In the mean time Sir, if you please to divert your self with a Hi­story, I'll fetch you Sir Walter Rawleigh; I have a little trifling concern that calls me away.

No,—I'll go and dispatch half an hours business, and be here again,—Madam your Servant.

—How agreeable this Gentleman's behaviour is in comparison of Bravado's; his modest and equal Deportment steals on insensibly, and wins upon our Sex; whilst the other thinks his modish lewdness is most prevailing; and thus provokes hate with that very Quality he thinks incites Love.

Has Mr. Roman been here yet Cousin?

Yes, and newly gone.

—Gone!—It is not Three; I am sure the Chair-men pac't away at a considerable rate, but did not he excuse his haste?

Only with a Promise he wou'd be here again about half an hour hence;—But I'll leave you Cousin to be passionately elegant upon your Lover's absence.

Madam, a Footman in a Blue Livery seam'd with red, gave me this Letter.

'Tis from Mr. Roman, Pray Heavens the Inclosure prove as welcom; I open it with as much awful dread, as a modest Penitent does his heart to his Confessor.

—Nor was my fears, thin shallow Phantoms;—Alas some ill natur'd business has detain'd him; and we must be divorc't a whole day more;—A Day!—It must not be—I can't be rackt with the Convulsions of hope and fear so long;—I'll write with [Page 39] all the feeling Thought, Pathetick Love candictate.—But sure he'll come, twas only some design to heighten my surprize.—But if he shou'd not—Yes he will—my confusion of thought distracts me;—I make needless Objections, and return as wild Answers;—Well—my restless passion has almost wrought it self into a calm;—my Spirits grow dull, my Eye-lids heavy, and all my Faculties indispos'd;—I'll endeavour to settle my dis­orders with a Slumber.

Ha! Seriously the Lady's Organs are untun'd;—but don't disturb her.

Pray let me conceive your reason for't.

You shall know it presently— Jeffry here take this Key,—go into my Repository, and fetch me the Paper with the black Seal upon't.

I hope you intend no harm here, Sir Credulous,

—No, no,—I have only sent for a certain Philter, which was found out after many years travel, and long experience, by that Aescu­lapius of his▪ Age, Don Arnando Curioso the Spanish Physician.

The Virtues of it?

—They are innumerable Sir,—if you be Frenchify'd, it cures you beyond Mercury, without Salivation or Bagneo, if you be scorbutick, it carries off the malignity by its operation Diuretick,—if▪ you be Hypocon­driacal, it—

—Here's a hippo-conjuring with you;—Do you make my House an Hospital? This was not the business of your visit, I conceive, Sir.

But its greatest vertue is—

—Pray no more of its Vices, Sir.

I tell you Sir, 'tis of so subtle and insinuating a nature, that by its Incorporation with the air, it smites upon the Olfatick Organ, and pro­duceth the effect of Love; 'twill be requisite to my design with your Neece.

Most requisite indeed.

Sir Popular take care to hold your Nose upon the op'ning of this Paper, or your Passion may be greater for me then becomes your Sex; Jeffrey, do you make use of the same precaution.

Not I Sir, none can love a good Master too well.

An honest Servant.

In earnest, 'tis like your ordinary Damask Powder.

It resembles it indeed.

'Tis no such subtile Body, Sir Credulous

—You must know Sir, there are certain minut [...] Volatile Particles afloat amongst the grosser; and from these proceeds this Philo-poietick quality.

[Page 40]

His Trumperies are like the French flim-flams, valuable only because of their hard Names.

Here Jeffry,—carry it safely back.—But hark you Sirrah, has no odd Commotions sollicited you?

Y'faith Sir, Methinks you look exceeding lovely; ah that Eye, that Chin, that Forehead; y'faith Lady Master if you were but a Woman, I know what I know—ah,

Get you gone, get you gone, you Knave you;—did not I give you warning o' this.

Now, Sir Popular, you may inlarge your imprison'd sense.

What a wonderful effect it has wrought upon the poor Creature, I perceive there's no resistance.

You may as soon unravel your Destiny.

Now Sir, since your Marriage with my Neece is unquestionable, I conceive, you'll consider how active and industrious I have been; her For­tunes are exactly as I acquainted you; and thereupon I must presume to tell you, I have a Suit to you

I won't part with an Atom of my Powder before hand.

Under favour Sir, d [...] believe my request to be so unreasona­ble;—'Tis only to lend the Good Old Cause one Thousand Pound before the Consummation of your Conjugal [...], and another Thousand after.

What, then is your Brotherhood's Treasury exhausted?

—'Tis only lent for the better confirmation of our Laws and Liberties; and must be to be expended in the maintenance of the Cause a­foresaid; I am commission'd Receiver, and will take care your Talent shall be improv'd; in earnest I will.

Soft;—She awakes.—

Neice, Neice, I must not suffer you to choose a Grape for your self, I have provided one here for you.

Lady, I was the Grape you were so concern'd for, and am safe;—through this transparency you may read my passion.

Pray Sir don't insult over an innocent surprize.

'Twill be convenient Sir Popular▪ that you moralize the Sylvan and withdraw; I perceive the Operation already; therefore your Presence and the Lady's Modesty may be a little disonant.

In earnest, you provide discreetly.

Now fair Angel, let not an Abstemious Bashfulness restrain your De­sires; Come and pour out your Love-sick Soul into my Breast,—I'll cherish it, and restore it whole again.

—Infect not me with your Pestilent Breath; I loath your Embraces.

Shaw, this is the strangest humour: Come, I'm confident you love me.

Enjoy your belief then.

Well.—She shall never taste the Joys she has refus'd, I'll punish this coyness with disdain, till her Tears petrifie her; then she shall stand as a Monu­ment for bashful Maids.

I cry you mercy Sir, if I have intruded upon your Secresie; I expected my Cousin had been here.

Don't retreat my Pretty Creature, bless me only till I have given you an account of that unhappy Creature.

Unhappy! No sure.

She might ha' been otherwise, only she neglected it;—in Fine, Madam, she loves me.

In troth▪ as great an unhappiness as cou'd befal her.

But I hope Sir, you are not so cruel as to see her Virgin Blossoms snatch't by Death; since you can prevent the Tyrant's long reach.

But if I do; I'll be hang'd in her Zone;—She has already disown'd her Title to my Heart, and never shall be admitted to a second Claim.

Truly some o' these Women are so humerous—Now, I never cou'd refuse in publick, something I long'd for, and then condemn my self for it in private.

Most excellent Form, you alone have reconcil'd me to your Sex; There is a secret Harmony betwixt our Complexions, and I do here proclaim you Mistriss of my Heart.

What—Sir Credulous here?—You have made use o' my Name Knight for your Introduction.

You mistake Sir; my own challengeth a greater Interest.

And you have a pretence to that Lady.

I have seriously; and her goodness has encourag'd it.

—Madam will you throw your self away, upon an undiscerning Idiot, that dotes more upon Tinsel Toys than real perfections? He'll barter your whole Fortunes for a Painted Rattle.

[Page 42]

Lady, he's a stupid Illiterate Animal; in nothing humane, but only that he laughs and looks up;—You must pardon him, he knows not how to value a Rarity.

Why, you Incorrigible Fool, will you miscal your Trangam Rarities?

I'll appeal to you Lady if these be Trangams;—First for Antiqui­ties—I can produce one o' the Trojan Horse's Shooes; a Black-Jack of a Gre­cian Officer's Boot-Top; a Pocket-Glass of Janus's Spectacles, and several others. Now for my Novelties—

Your Antiquities are Cheats, and your Novelties, Trash.

—Thou art a Moving Clod, and acts only by the Dictates of Heat and Moisture.

You are an Hospital of lame Arts, and sickly Sciences.

Thou art a Lyar with a bad Invention.

—Thou art a Title-page to a Treatise of Elves and Goblins.

Thou art an Aesop Fables, without the Morals:

Gentlemen, you talk of Elves and Goblins, wou'd they don't hear you; I'll assure you this Room's haunted.

By Jupiter, if a leering Shadow shou'd come in hither, I wou'd make bold to kick its lean Worship out again.

I scarce think thou hast bravery enough to encounter Air.

I never heard he durst draw a Sword.

Come Sir Draw, you shall have a fatal proof on't presently.

Now Sir, I'm for ye.

—Ha;—Wou'd I were well off it again.

'Tis your Armour perhaps that makes you resolute; we'll strip and fight it fairly.

Indeed Gentlemen, there shall be no blood shed here;—I'll call in the House.

Now Caitif, I'll mince thee worse than a City Sempstress does her words.

—And this shall maul you more, than a dull Author do's his Original.

Have at your Soul.—

Bless me, what a frightful Gambol was this, am I alive, tro.

Are they gone—I am all in a Sweat,—Doubtless they were a cou­ple of Devils, that were waiting for us, if we had kill'd one another.

But they were disappointed for all their cunning;—My hair stood so erect, I cou'd perceive it move my Wig.

Why, where is it?

Good now! 'Tis gone and yours too.

—Mine too! A Plague o' their Pilfering Frolick;—And our Cloaths too, as I live—

You are like Gladiators indeed now, Gentlemen.

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I Protest Madam, Sir Cred. ows his Life to an Accident, or let me perish

—Was not your Sword sharp enough?

Ha, ha, the Lady was arch upon him there; ha, ha, seriously the Fancy makes me amends for the loss of my Cloaths.

—How!—Your Cloaths gone, say you?

Ay, faith Madam,—just as I directed the dead-doing point to his Heart, his guardian Devil interrupted the Pass, sweep't away our Cloaths, and vanish't in a Flash o' Fire.

Fair Creature, the odds were mine when the Daemons came;—but the truth on't is, they took their leave a little rudely.

Gentlemen, Sir Popular will be here presently; therefore if you'll walk into my Chamber you may be unseen there, till you can Careen your selves again.

SCENE I. Shuffle' s Lodging.

HOw ill my Practice and my Principles agree!—My Maiden honour at first resolv'd and strugl'd with unwilling Conflicts, before it yielded; but Po­verty importun'd, and Proffers prevail'd;—Now I can cheat a Citizen with a City Conscience;—Yet still methinks I have some remorse;—But why have I?—These People I deal with, deserve no better;—They'll lift one hand up to Heaven, and pick Pockets with the other:—A fair Correspondence with them, loses its gloss; and is but Honesty misplac't; But—

'Tees strange Sir, yoo should no remember me, meetheenks yoo have no reeson too complain of me usage,—Dee Cure was both speedy an per­fect:—But yoo dou foorgeet me.

No, no, my Shins and Shoulders put me in mind of you: I feel the Symptoms on't still; I fear the Lues frets in my Veins still; then, I have Gleet­ings frequently.

Dese bee oonly some Seminal Wastings, de which do proceed from your Weekness; bot me vill send you a Dose of my Pilulae Retentrices, de which vill obstruct 'em.

None o' your sipper-sawses for me any more, good Mr. Doctor, you have tamper'd with me too much already; but my comfortis, No Cure, no Money.

Vell, Vell, bot Begar me vill no abus'd by yoo,—Me vill eder have my Money or yoor Boody.

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A Pox o' your damn'd mincing; why do you clip at this rate to me you Counterfeit Rascal; do not I know you? Was not I the first that advis'd you to melt your words; and pass for a Forreigner? If it had not been for me, you had only been a Zany still; Did not I witness you went out Doctor at Padua, and taught you to counterfeit your Testimonial from thence?

Well, Well, this shan't bring you off, I'll tell you so much.

Do your worst you drudging Clyster-pipe, I'll make you flie the Town, I'll assure you; I'll acquaint the College who you are; and how you are in Fee with an Apothecary, to prescribe costly Drugs, and rich Compositions; which he only observes in the making up of his Bill, but never in his Administrations.

You shall lose your self, as you walk along, before I repair you again.

You repair me!—You Suppositor; thou art not Physician enough to prescribe a Drench;—Get you gone and rake in distrest Fundaments; hide your Ignorance with hard words; and maul your Latin beyond cure.

Sir, your humble Servant;—Faith I am glad you'r come, I was just going to send for you.

Honest Mr. Shuffle give me your hand;—I was going upon a little business this way, and thought you wou'd take it ill if I did not call to see you;—My Wife gives her service to you.

—It seems then this Visit was design'd;—You told her you were coming hither.

No really not I; she surmis'd so, but I did not design it at that time.

Then the Obligation is less o' my side:—Come, come, you Gentle Rogue you, you came a' Dunning, did not you? Hang't Man, modesty and the business of your Errand are inconsistent.

Really Mr. Shuffle you mistake me, I had no occasion for Money.

And that's well; the truth on't is, I have money ready, because I am unwilling to transgress my promise; but since your Occasions are indifferent, 'twill do me a kindness; I must dispose of it elsewhere.

But a—

Well—dee see—I am now going.

——Nevertalk of going yet Man; here will be my Lord Change pre­sently; he has turn'd off his old Milliner; I'll recommend you to him; he shall go home with you and furnish himself.

Your Servant good Sir, I fear I shall be too late for an occasion; besides, I don't go directly home, I have Concerns by the way.—Here's one at Door Sir—

Mr. Shuffle the Money has been due above a Fortnight, and I cou'd hear nothing from you.

How cou'd you expect it, unless it were to contract another Debt with you; doubtless you are not so unreasonable as to demand Payment.

—You know Sir, I am only an Agent, 'tis another's business; I am oblig'd to the Duty of my Office.

[Page 45]

Prithee don't sham me with your Duty and your Office; de'e think I am a stranger to your specious plausible Cheats, don't I know how you shift and contract in one another's Names.

I profess to you, the Money was not my own.

May be so; nor is that your own by right, which you hook in by your barbarous advantages; how many raw Cullys have I decoy'd e're now into your ravirous Nooses.

And I think Sir, you us'd to have a considerable share.

Did not my Treachery deserve it?—That I shou'd be such a Villain as to sell my Friends! Well, since you have past this upon me, I'll do the young Gentleman some justice upon you.

—You can't injure me, the Law will justifie me.

Will't justifie your contracting with Minors? and taking advantage o their Nonage, by some o' your legal Quirks.

—There's no such thing, I never exacted so.

Have you the Forhead to deny it? Have not I provided you of such Squires as wou'd subscribe to any terms for the relievance o' their present wants? I'll un­ravel all, I'll promise you;—We'll plague you, if a Bill in Chancery will do't.

—See what that Court will decree for you;—but you are so passio­nate, I had rather pay the Money, than be concern'd with you;—So your Servant.

His Door's open, he must be within.

Here, here, I want nothing of you; I am none o' your Misers Ghosts that haunt you for Treasure.

I'll promise you, I thought, by the authority of your Rap, that you'd been some person of a worse design; I have been tormented with these sort of Creatures unmercifully.

Not so ill as I have been with another sort.

Where Prithee?

—In Grays-Inn Walks.

—There's variety of humour;

—If Apery may be call'd humour.

It passes for it there;—But who did you see?

—I saw that splendid, Orthodox Fop, Jack Rigle, and was troubl'd with him.

How?

Why first, after he had run out his Chain o' Thoughts, by way of Greeting, he broke out, Dam-me, he was glad to see me, and especially at that Juncture; for he had exprest his sense o' the Times, Allegorically, in a Letter from Leghorn; and must have my judgment on't, which I vouchsaf't very freely, and told him his Stile was tedious and obscure; he had so tag'd it with misapply'd Figures, that like his Pantaloons, it made a noise and was troublesom.

And wou'd not he Glout upon't?

No, but wou'd reconcile me with some of his Rhapsodys which he produc't; I read, but he thought I did not give 'em grace enough, and thereupon snach't 'em, then thunder'd 'em off in a fancy'd Heroick greatness;—but the wofullest stuff that ever Aqua-fortis writ on Knife, or Tobaco-Box.

[Page 46]

He affects that way of tinkling, but with ill success commonly.—Well, how was you rid of him?

Another seasonable Fop came singing up to us, and took him aside; then begging my pardon, which I easily granted, he turn'd out his Toes, and gracefully mov'd away.

How did you bestow your self then?

—I kept my seat still, and presently, two trim, loud Gentlemen seated themselves by me, and made remarks upon all that past by; then wou'd bable Gibberish to one another, thinking to have it mistaken for French: Now wou'd be passionate and talk of love, making Allusions to the Trees, and walks; after a while two Ladies came, and took up the Bench below me; which they no sooner saw, but left me and run upon them.

—Was not Harry Smirk there?

Yes, yes, and shoulder'd a tawdry Chamber-Maid along, and bare all the time; he had up all his revis'd motions of head and hand; nor cou'd a fe­male pass without a distorted bow, and an obliging smile from him.

He has a pretty impudent familiar way with him;—But was not Madam Burly to be seen?

O, She's as constant as the Usurer; she was trouling about very painful­ly, and all mufl'd up in Lace; then, her Knots, her Towers, her Gloves, her Gown, were so exact, and suiting, they represented her a most uniform deformity.

You had variety of entertainment indeed.

Ay;—there was a poor discarded Poet sitting very pensively under the Covert of an Elm; I pitty'd his solitude, and walk't up to him; and after an Epitome of his observations, he begun to complain o' the humour o' these times; that prefer'd silly apish Farce, to true solid wit.

May be he had been damn'd lately.—Now let me have your com­pany to the Coffee-house; and you shall see as luxurious a Medly of Manners there, tho' of another nature.

I can't hear a sordid Slave saucily arraign the Proceedings of his Superi­ours, besides, Sir Popular and I are at odds.

He won't be at the Cabal this time, he's treating about Marriage with that old harra'st Whore, I told you off.

'Twill be very merry if she can but bubble him at long run.

Never doubt it; I have whetted him, and am in Fee for my Interest o' both sides; I'll serve my self of him, and then expose him.

—I must go steal into his House, which I shou'd hate like a Pest-House, but only that the Divine Juliana's there.

SCENE II. Sir Popular's House, A Dining-Room.

Gentlemen, if you had been seen in my Chamber, perhaps the occasion might ha'been censur'd too severely; but here's a Closet in this Room will secure you.

This Whoreson Boy o' mine! He might ha' been here before this; I shall be too late, I have 2 or 3 Cowards to Post before 6 a-Clock.

[Page 47]

Jeffry stays long too;—What an unadvis'd Mortal was I to un­dertake any thing this particular day; Hesiod reckons it inauspicious in his Emera­logia; yesternight the Candle burnt blue, and this Morning I saw a Tom-Tit perching upon a Bough with his Tail towards me: I divin'd—

Hang your Divinations.

Methinks I feel some chilling Particles tacitly creeping through my Pores.

Come but into the Closet, and I'll fetch either of you a Night-Gown.

I fancy this Knight is the most humerous Whim that ever made antick Love; I have provided a pleasanter Masque than the last was, if it have but the good fortune to take—Here are some Implements in order to it.

Did'st observe Wench what a languishing kind of a Leer Sir Popular squin­ted at me?

Yes, I believe your Canting Fop is a little carnal; he's just such another Arch Wag, as our Brown Betty pickt up in the Rounds one Night.

—Ho; I remember him;—He us'd to bring a Sword and Riding coat under his black Cloak, to appear sparkish; he thought his own Habit was too no­torious; He was a good friend to the House tho'.

But he took so much Flogging up to't, before one cou'd stir his Inclinations.

Betty wou'd complain, she us'd bodily austerity upon him, till her Arms ach'd; he was a little dull of Discipline, only he paid well.

—A shame take her for a Slut, she incroacht upon me that night; he was made prize in my Province;—marry was he.

He dispatch'd business three times a Week in the Blue Chamber constantly;—But I hope I shall have no need to return to these poor shifts again.

If the Scriv'ner prove but faithful.

—He's well enough; the pretext of a mistake will indemnify him; he really has that Widow's Fortunes in his hand that I personate;—Then Mr▪ Shuffle will endeavour to promote it for his own sake.

Now Madam if advice from me wou'd not seem a little untimely to one of your experience; I shou'd look upon't as the safest way to secure him; to let him command the freedom of your person, when you perceive a rising desire fermenting in his Veins, he wou'd then certainly Marry you, least the di­scovery of his fall, shou'd bring scandal to the Fraternity.

May be Wench he'll take us unawares; therefore leave the Prayer-book upon the Table, and go down.

Sister Spotless, I had come sooner, but that I was obliged to do justice upon a wicked Apostatizing Brother, nay more, he was taken with a false Wor­shiper in the very Act of Filthiness, Foh! Foh! I am sick with the Repetition.

Oh! abominable, well plainly I am arm'd against all the Insults of lend men, there lies my Sword of Defiance▪

[Page 48]

In earnest a good Woman, I'll warrant it, some of our thorough re­form'd Authors: Well, the Wicked may talk of their Ability and Learning, but I could as soon edifie on the Seven Champions, as the best of their Writings; no, no, writing of Divinity to any purpose is a sort of Hereditary Patrimony, which none but our Sanctify'd Brethren can justly lay claim to: What! the Title-Page is lost? What may you call this Sister?

I have e'en forgot the Name, I fall commonly directly to the Matter, 'tis very edifying.

No doubt on't, a body may know a good Book by Simpathy, my Bowels commonly Simpathize with an Holy Author, before I know one word of his meaning; but let me see,

I'll find you out a place presently that suits my Imperfections. Ha! How! What's here? Sure I don't see right.

Oh! I am ruin'd, 'tis it, but too sure, that cursed careless Jade.

How! What means this?—Avoid, avoid, O wicked!

Abominable, Oh Brother she's lost, she's lost, utterly lost, this was that wicked lost Wretches doing, my sinful Maid: Oh! Horrid, and defile my Cham­ber too with it! I must e'en take a new Lodging, I shall be as fraid to stay here­after, as if the Room was haunted with Spirits.

Turn her away Sister, she would corrupt a Convert.

She's a Harlot, an unclean Harlot, and shall be no longer under my Roof.

What will you say now if this Pious piece have some itching Inclina­tions this way her self? I can guess shrewdly by my own Hypocrisie, and believe me, an affected Cant, and a lift or two of the Whites, are the easiest parts of De­votion, I'll attempt her at a distance, and if her Inclinations are right, she'll quick­ly make the most of a double meaning Saying.

Well Sister, I cannot but think of this lost Creature, but indeed we are all frail; but when we find our selves weak, we should apply wholsom Remedies to prevent the growth of our Distemper; letus, Dear Sister, beware of our own steps, we know not how soon the Minute of Sin may come upon us, we'll arm against it; let us be joyn'd together to morrow in Pious Wedlock.

Ah Brother the memory of my late Husband forbids it, though I must confess, I wish to be secure from Temptation as well as may be: But Brother let us burn that filthy obscene Book, verily I shall be sick whilst it stays in the Room: Oh, I am extream queasie, t'other day I eat but a little piece of a Pul­let that was sing'd with a Leaf of an old Common-Prayer-Book, and it has lain in my Stomach ever since.

Well Sister, we will however see the Inventions of the Wicked, and detest them: Good lack! Sincerely 'tis pretty to the eye, though it be Leud and Abominable.

Ay, They have the Pleasures of this vain World.

They have so, you little Rogue you; you Pigs-ny's, you little Crea­ture, [Page 49] ye Pugs-face you.

In earnest, I am I know not how—As it might be—Strangely, I say it Backsliding.—Well, let me be far enough, Is the Canonical hour past?

I profess, Ma­trimony shall be ratify'd to morrow, you pritty little Fubs you.

Indeed Brother! Oh no, it will be Friday an unluckly day,

Oh foh! Dear Sister, that is really Antichristian, and Superstitious; What! An Observer of Times and Seasons? Oh! 'Tis Popery altogether, beside we must not trust our selves too long in the hands of the Tempter: No, no, to Morrow, to Morrow.

Sure you mistake Brother, it must not be by any means.

Why Sister, why art thou refractory? I tell thee, while our thoughts are upright, we may do what is pleasing to us: Well, well, my little Spouse, you are my Spouse, you Wag you, my Heart is wedded to thee, and I must fulfil my just desires with thee; Oh the Comfortable Condition of Wedlock! I say Sister hearken unto me.

But Brother, the Wicked may see us, let us not be a stumbling-block be­fore them.

Sister, here is an Apartment in this Room convenient for us, but least some wandring eye should be about the Key-hole, I'll fetch these Whirligigs I ob­serv'd upon the Table; in earnest, these Vanities may be useful though uot lawful.

Well Brother, you are e'en the most Powerful Man!

Sister, Sister, make haste down;—These Roysters have set the House in an Uproar;—I'll only set things in order, than come to your Lodgings and comfort you.

—I hope if you come 'twill be for an honest end Brother.

How strangly this Creature is infatuated betwixt Lust and Zeal; This Religion is a pretty sort of deluding Perspective, it represents all Objects of its own colour;—I have us'd it like a Jac-call, it hunts down the Prey, but never goes to share;—Well, this Surprize had like to have been fatal;—How the Devil came Sir Credulous in this Closet, and in that posture?—A Ourse up­on the Disappointment: But she'll continue perhaps in her Sacred Rapture;—I'll go to her before her Transport be settl'd, and renew my Court; This Reli­gious Twang, I perceive, is the most prevailing way of Caress; if I carry her but at last, I have play'd the Hypocrite to some purpose;—'Tis lucre that licenseth all things, I hate a Conscience must be humour'd.—

SCENE II.

'Tis strange, this dear expected man shou'd stay, I am all Convulsion till he comes;—My dead, dry'd up Sot is now belching out his noysome fumes, and weltring upon his Elbows amongst wet Tobaco on a slatter'd Table; whilst I am preparing for a Luscious Brimmer of Love, with all the restless Drought Desire can cause.

My dear Creature, if this Transgression beyond the Period, can be atton'd with the Sacrifice of my Heart; you have kindl'd it with your Eyes, and here I'll offer it.

Indeed I wisht and fretted till I saw you,—But why these Flourishes? I'll excuse you without this Eloquence; this is not the Language of Love and Familiarity;—But where were you?

Let me die, if I did not come almost directly from Sir Popular's; Ma­dam Charlietta

detain'd me.

I perceive then I am neglected;—These Men doat on new Mistres­ses like new Fashions, tho' the old ones be both more easie and graceful.—Well, false man, Well.

Prithee my Dear don't pout.

I am sure she's as ill shap't a Jone as ever was model'd by Rectifier; then her Smile is the oddest simp'ring air; her Teeth are rusty in spight of all the Operator's art, and fit only to be scour'd with a Shooe-Brush; then she flourisheth her Fan so awkerdly; and shadows with her Patches so irregularly; Fough—I admire you can think on her.

Hang her a fond young Slut; she forc't her Maiden-head upon me; and is grown the most Insatiate Creature;—I was forc'd to heap Sin upon Sin, and Lye upon Lye, before I cou'd get, and was excus'd from her; at last, with much adoe:—Indeed she presented me with a Pendulum of a most in­genious fancy.

You base, unconstant Wretch, get you gone, and replenish your fee­ble drain'd Chine with Broths and Jellys, and away to her again.

My Dearest! I have plentiful Reserves still;—Let me stifle you with the Sweets of Love.

Well, false Man, I'll trust my Honour in your hands once more, but if you come near her again, may all the Curses that an injur'd incens'd Rival and a Woman can invent, fall upon you.

But let us not delay our mutual happiness, my Dear, all things conspire to heighten our blessing.

Ay,—the Cuckold snores by this time; and the next Room waits us with all its Conveniences;—Here take my hand—

Ha!—What noise is this?—Yonder's some bustle below.

Sir, Sir, here are a Company of rude Gentlemen that swear they'll have this Room,—One of 'em they call Mr. Flush—They'r coming up.—

[Page 51]

Oh dear—Alas! I am undone;—He's my Husband's Compa­nion,—Run, run behind the Hangings there, whilst I go behind the Cur­tain, that skreens the fire place.

Gentlemen, we are now in great Nature's Store-house, here's both Wine and Women;—Let every man follow the dictates of his Inclination.—I declare for bowzing; let all such as are Proselytes for the great Genius o' Good­fellowship, hold up their hands.

What is the Knight a Heretick?

—Marry he deserves to 'be stak't to a Tobaco-pipe, and burnt in Brandy for't.

His Spurs shall be [...]l'd off, his Arms revers't, and his Posterity attainted.

Seriously Gentlemen, my temperament won't allow it; you see I am sanguine, hot and moist; but heat is the predominant quality.

'Sbud, is that a Carcass to be indulg'd,—Come, come, disoblige it for compliance and be drunk.

O Sir, you never think of an Inflammation.

Shaw,—What signifies it to be luke-warm a little; I wou'd not shirk a Glass for a general Conflagration.

Wough, this is a stingy humour Sir Credulous;—fill up your thirsty Veins with consoling Bub, Mun; then fall down dead.

And when you'r translated to Purgatory, disgorge your o'recharg'd Stomach, and so put out the flame.

A Glass or so, Gentlemen, is very inspiring, therefore rather than reta [...]'d your Jollity, I'll neglect my self, and take one round.

O rare Sir Credulous.

Now for the Quantity and Quality.

Quantity! Fie, fie, no Limitations, Mun;—We are resolv'd to have a Bout on't, and agreed upon this place as the most out o' my Wife's Road;—The Devil's in her if she finds us out here.—What think you?—

Has she taken my Drops?

Ay marry, I stole 'em into her Glass at Dinner; I saw her begin to stretch and gape presently after.

They'll do her business.

—I am as dry as Touch-wood; What shall we drink?

—No sophisticated French Wine; 'Tis full of Tartar.

—What say you to a spacious Bowl o' Punch, Genteels.

—A Bowl o' Punch, a Bowl of Punch.

—Hoa—the House—here.—

—Go and compound a Bowl o' Punch quickly; you have my Re­ceipt, let it direct you;—only remember to throw in five Quarts of White­wine to make up a Body.

You shall have it Sir.

How we shall dust it about! Oh—

—My Receit is mightily in request now; They observe it altogether at the Tower; I was t'other day amongst 'em there.

You wou'd find hot service.

[Page 52]

—Ay, we drunk in Discipline, by the Word o' Command;—'Tis the Camp way, and a'mode now.—But how dee like my Panegyrick upon Punch, Sir Credulous?

Most ravishing, I profess.

—'Twas a hot-headed Flash;—if you did but observe, the words are a design'd Bombast, which is the most natural and expressive way to describe the lumbring confusion of a Frolick.

—Very adapt indeed,—then the disparity of your numbers.

—Alludes to the distraction of the Company;—One Capers, ano­ther Cringeth, this tumbles down, another over him, and all are jumbling about in a various Heterocliton of humor.

Yonder comes the Lovely Vessel—Now ha'for it old Lads.

Run the proud Argo with all her liquit Fraight aground.

Now my Souls o' Brass, let us seat our selves, and bounce it off; marry if I mind Degree, or Quality, let me never drink more.

—Here's a Thimble indeed! Wuh this will never douse us.

That! 'Tis like attempting to scoup drown'd Zealand clear with an Oy­ster-Shell; Let's drink full ones with a Levit of Trumpets at ev'ry Health.

No, no, That's too extravagant; we'll sip out o' the Bell of an open­ing Cowslip to the buzzing Accents of an Humble Bee.

Ha ha ha, Siping! That's very fine;—I am mistaken if we came hither to Sip;—Go and fetch us a good thumping hollow Beaker, go—Siping Qouth a',—

Prithee, 'tis Porterly to drink Punch out of a Beaker.

—Tell not me o' your Genteel Conrtly way of Quaffing, I am for true honest, downright drinking.

There, there, this is the Measure.

Let that be the Standard then; I'll sound it, tho' 'twere as deep as Dooms-day.

Seriously Gentlemen, 'tis too Hyperbolical; but I'll venture to eva­cuate it once or twice.

By Styx, I scorn to refuse it.

And I, by Lucifer.

A Health to our Royal Master.

Hah my brave Boys! Is not this better than Plotting, and Leaguing, and Clanning and Shamming? A Pox o' these unquiet Curs, that must be yelping against Heavens Luminary, and only because 'tis bright.

A troublesom Crowd of Insects, that are Pestilential to the heat that preserves 'em.

That Buz like Bottl'd-Ale, and only make a noise because they'r froathy;—Foh—the very naming 'em furrs my Mouth;—I must e'en rence it with a Bumper or two.

[Page 53]

—Ah rare Toper! Thou art the Prince of a Man.

Y' Good Faith you Rogues, you see the worst o' me; I only Plot how to avoid the Slavery my Wife wou'd Plunge me in, and to enjoy my Liberty in a Chimney Corner, with a Pot and a Pipe before me.

—By Lucifer that's reasonable enough.

I tell you truth, or let this be my last.

You have none o' this at the University, Mr. Flush.

Yes, yes, Drinking is look't upon as a perfection there; if a young Blade after four years Residence, has but learn'd to make a Supernaculum; and as much Logick as will prove a Country-man to he a Horse, he's a good Proficient.

Indeed!—Sleepy Jack Seaton, or honest old Hereboord's will teach 'um the latter presently.

Let's about with it, and be sprightly my Men o'Mirth, ten Goe-down's to you Sir Credulous.

Generous Mr. Flush I am yours to Intoxication.

Dear Sir, your Devoted.

Dear Tom, I am thine.

Don't limit me, Mun, I am heavy, and must fall to the bottom, marry must I.

Gallant Toper, thou shalt be Canoniz'd y' faith.

—A Saint Man!

Ay, and of as good Authority as any in the Calender's— Shrove. Tuesday shall be your Anniversary.

By Stix, his Face is like a Holiday already.

Nay, but if you'll honour me, make me the Prince of Drunkards.

We will;—and your Inauguration shall be to morrow; 'Tis too late now for the Solemnity.

We'll all be his Peers.

Ay, his Mightiness shall confer Dignities upon us all; 'tis usual now a­days for a private Club to frame a new Constitution.

And why may not we, as well as the sober Party;—but how far man shall my Dominions extend?

Throughout all the Taverns, Brandy-Shops, and Ale-houses, betwixt White-Chappel and St. Giles's.

Ah—I shall be a happy Prince—Duke Trinkelo shall be my Allie.

Myriads of Mirmidons shall defend your Reeling Mightiness from Con­stable and Watch, Pillars and Posts, from Chamber-pots above, and Channels below, and all such Hostilities.

Ha ha, What, no Laws?

—Yes, yes, but Lex bibendi, shall be Lex suprema, the rest shall be digested into a Code.

Marry, I shall be a Prince presently at this rate, I am as Drunk as a Lord a'ready.

The other Stoup old Toast.

Ho, hoa,—'Tis down by Stingo.

[Page 54]

Ay, if 'twill but stay,

This Punch is plaguy cu­cutting Liquor.

Ha ha ha—run behind the Curtain there, into the Fire-place, and disburthen.

Udsbodikins; how came this Incarnate Devil here;

O thou lumpish, weltring Swine, thou stupid Log,—Here's a pickle with all my heart—Sirrah, Beast, how came you amongst these roaring Rake-hells, these tearing debaucht Ruffians?—I cou'd find to pull those big, rouling eyes out, that stare and glow in your Fool's Noddle—I thought I shou'd find out your Haunts at last.

I believe Madam we have rather found out yours, how cou'd you slink in hither unseen? I guess you expected some-body, you wou'd ha' been civi­ler too.—

Touch me, and I'll ha' you stript, and turn'd down Stairs;—Don't presume the Privilege o' your Sex shall excuse you.

Thou pitiful, profligate Shirk;—He that gives thee but a Pot o' Brandy's thy Darling; ay, for one poor Pipe o' Smoak, Thou'lt call a dull drousie Pluralist, a diligent sound man; a poor poatching Pettyfogger, an able Council; a Penny Pamphleteer, an Authentick Author; or a Tooth-pick-maker a Virtuo­so; thou off-scouring o' the Town, how durst thou pronounce so impudently upon me? Sirrah, I'll make you know there's never a House of Entertainment, within the Sound o' Bow bell, which I ha [...]e not a Spie in—I'll—

—A Cord here quickly—

Now Gentlemen, if we think to continue Company, we must resolve to tie her down to a Chair, and Gag her—Here's a Gag—

Agreed.

Tie me! Brutes,—Rascals.—

But are you sure she's fast?—Come—lets e'en take of our Liquor peaceably and lovingly,—A Po-Pox take her for a—

Ay, Gape on till your Jaws crack.

Sirrah, how came this Fury here.

I know not, Sir.

Get you gone you Pimping Rogue, and let her down into the next Room through the Trap-door, that Devise to escape Constable;—if you untie her Sirrah, I'll confound you worse than the Pox has done.

Sure there has been some default, else my Guttae Soporiferae had charm'd her as fast as an Incantation.

Now Gentlemen, since the Bawd o' the house has inform'd o' the Com­pany, let us batter the Windows, flash the Hangings, break the Chairs, and fight our selves out in the Uproar.

We'll rout 'em by Jove.

Hey for a scouring Frolick.

Now for the Onset;—Come my Squires, follow your Knight,

[Page 55]

Here let's demolish all before us, and rip the Hangings up in order.

I protest I'll make one with you my honest old rending Rogues;—let's pull down the house, and crush the Sinful Crew.

Bravado! So so—the Mistery's explain'd now; Toper, I give you Joy o' your stately branching head.

—Wuh, What's the matter man?

Oh nothing, nothing;—You are only Cuckolded, and by this same honest Gentleman here.

Marry, but I'm mistaken if he escape so;—make him drink half a dozen Bumpers for his pains.

Ha ha, Seriously Mr. Toper bears it with the indifference of a Stoick.

Gentlemen, you are well dispos'd; but let me die, I don't understand you;—I had an Assignation here, with a Person of Quality, and expected her ev'ry Minute; a Devil on your unseasonable Invasion, 'Tis at least a hun­dred Broads out o' my way.

But why did you abscond, we are all known to you?

—You came poud'ring up Stairs with such Authority, I was afraid you had been a Legion of Bayliffs.

But why did you not appear upon acquaintance with our Voices?

Why' Pox I thought you wou'd oblige me to Drink, and my Palate is so Debauch't, since my last Randezvous with my Lord, that any liquid thing's a Potion to me.

All these Wheadles won't take;—But to show you how tender I am of these Amorous Miscarriages, I'll prevail upon the Cuckold and Company to leave you to the Complement of your Intrigue.—Come, Gentlemen, let's Troop.

Wuh, the Bo-bowl is not out yet Man.

Do but you get rowl'd down Stairs, and you shall have as much as you can swill.—Come, 'tis late.

Now must I go and enlarge my unfortunate Herion that suffers in Limbo; then our twisted Souls shall relish all the boundless Joys, that Passion endear'd by Disappointment can contribute.

SCENE I. A Bed Chamber.

WHat a shame's the matter with me trow?—I am as Sick as a Horse, and I'm sure I had not above six Quarts 'i my Guts—Foh—here's the strangest taste 'i my Mouth methinks

marry I think my throat 's clogg'd quite up with Rubbish—oa—'tis as rough as bad waies in frosty Weather;—How my Pulses heave, and my Arms shake and dindle 'i. Oh! How a good draught of small Beer wou'd hiss down!

But 'tis near morning sure—they are not up 'i the House—I never was thus out 'i tune before; I have catch'd cold under the Table whilst I slept, altho they had laid three or four Chairs upon me;—and these one wou'd ha' thought might ha' kept me warm.—Is there never a Couch in this Room think ye, nor a Fire-place strow'd with Rushes

What's this—a Bed—Ah!—this is comfortable—I shall be a happy Man if Flush find me not out and unkennel me:—Marry, I'll 'een take a comfortable Nap; then rise up Fresh, and slay 'em ev'ry Soul.

Are you sure Sweet-heart we may be secure here.

—Ay Madam;—He, they call Toper, is lying dead Drunk un­der the Parlor Table, I have newly bolted him in; the rest tumble together in the same condition above in the Garret.

Here—be you Centinel below?

—But did you tell the Company that some Body had releas'd me; and that I was gone, say you?

Ay, and they believed it.

But did not they suspect us, think you?

—No, no,—I made ev'ry thing clear.

—Now let me tell you such a Transaction, as will heighten our Appetites to the delicious Banquet.

—Mine, my lovely Angel is so eager already, that Artifice can't improve it;—I am all Heat and Youth; my Eyes tremble, my Breast pants and throws; my Nerves frisk, my Breath quivers, and a kindly generous Fire thrills in my Veins.

—Whilst I am ready to receive your kindest Tenders with an equal warmth.

[Page]

Let's hasten therefore, to let loose our bounding Passions to their abso­lute Range and Forrage.

I am all Complyance.

Now my Angel, let me lead thee to the Stage of love, to act the soft­est part that e'er was utter'd in broken sighs.

Ha! my Husband!—

—Pish Man—the Cup does not stand at me—What—are you here Sweet-heart?

Thou Eternal Sot!—I'll smother-thee in the Bed-Cloaths▪

Are you here!—Come, you shall back with us.

Good honest dear Rogue excuse me; I am sleepy, I must to Bed.

What, you are afraid to disoblige your Complexion: Come prithee, we want a fourth man till Toper be cast up.

Heavens!—I am discover'd—What shall I do?

—Ay!—The Lady Amazonia!—Your Servant Madam, you will find out your Husbands Haunts, I perceive.

My Husband! I scorn it, I disown him; my Vow, in the Church was extorted from me, and therefore it can't oblige; I always hated him, and had rather throw my self into the Embraces of a Leper, crusted all over with an uncurable Scurf, than into his feeble Paralitick Arms.

Marry Sweet-heart, an you befor that, I am as indifferent as your self; I had rather lay my Lips to the Bung-hole of a Beer-Barrel, than Salute the finest o' your Sex, and there's for you again.

No wonder she oppos'd your keeping Company with this rigour; it seems, that too great plenty of Liquor, by a common kind of an Antiperistasis has dry'd you;—You are no farther useful then only to supply her with Money and Opportunities; this is the Spark that relieves her with all other satisfactions.

O Sir, much good may doe you; you are happy, you have done more than ever I cou'd do;—I cou'd never please her, by my Faith.

Thou! no truly I think not; I never lov'd to have you come yawning in my face, and infesting me with your undecocted Lees of Ale, a Hogo strong enough to fetch one out of a Fit o' the Epilepsie;—out upon't—A Dray-horse were as good a Bed-fellow.

Since your Ladyship's so very nice and delicate, I wou'd advise you to avoid these gross Hogo's, and devote your self altogether to this rare, calcin'd Peice.

O happy Opportunity! Gentlemen, you are Witnesses of her Infamy; Now let's go and drink a dozen and consult over it about a Divorce.

Ay, do, do, the Law will force you to allow me Alimony, but if it shou'd not; I have provided against all Extremities, and will never see you more;—so a fig for you—Adieu Cuckold—Come, my Dear.—

[Page]

—Prodigious Impudence!

Now my Ranting Rogues, let's go and Carous for Joy; now I may tip­ple undisturb'd, and be accountable to no body, ye Rascals;—I'll never sleep without a Roundlet o' Brandy under my head, and when I die let over­flowing Cups drop tears o' my Tomb—Hah Boys—

Whilst my finger draws out a liquid Epitaph.

—I shall love thee my old Trojan whilst I live, for trapaning my fierce Mrs. Damnable thus;—I shall faith. Flush We were forc't to corrupt the Scout.

—But heark you mun—Who is this same young Fellow that Sparks her thus?

The most White-liver'd Coward that ever took advantage; and a mo­dish sort of a Fop that is proud to be reckon'd a Debauchee;—He'll boast of his Venereal Misfortunes, as so many Badges of Immortal Honour; and is as proud of a Surgeon's Bill, as a Noble-man's Chaplain is of his Scarf;—There's not a Great Person about Court, but is his Familiar, he pretends; Nor a taking Nameless Pamphlet, which he does not adopt;—He's a—

So mun so, we have had enough of him here, let's discourse the rest of his Qualities over a Glass;—we'll go to Harry's, he's an honest Fellow, he'll broach a fresh run for us.—Come, my Three Merry Boys, I shall be a Prince indeed now.—Hey Boys.—

Ay, and as absolute as your Draught; you shall be no more Homager to your quondam Imperial Confort; we all swear Fealty to your Diadem; and Brimmers shall be tender'd as the Test;—he that knocks under board shall be look't upon as a Dissenter, and amerc't a Penal Groat the next Morning.—Come.—

SCENE II. Sir Popular's House.

No wonder, Madam, your so soon this Morning, since this is almost the last hour you can call your self your own; sure your Barbarous Uncle will revoke the too severe Doom.

No,—he'll urge it with all the rigour that lucre can provoke him to;—he knows my aversion forfeits half my Portion; but rather than contract a holy Vow with any other than your dear self, I'll resign my life too, as a bur­then without ye.

Alas, my wondrous Creature, I am each way unworthy of so divine a Blessing; my Fortunes are as mean as my Deserts;—I have ne'er a gaudy Coach grac't with a Rank of Lacquies to attend you; no supple French Valet calls me Master; I have no swelling Titles, no fawning Parasites, no—

But Nature has enrich't you with Treasures more valuable, and tho' the Remains of my divided Portion won't be an equivalent to your Merits, I am sure my Passion will.

How cou'd I see the loveliest thing my heart e'er knew, in a station be­neath her too great Worth and Beauty! No, my sole delight, rather than throw [Page] away your Excellencies upon one wou'd undo you, surrender your self up to your Uncles Pleasure, and Marry the Party he designs▪ he's rich, and can sup­port you in an Equipage sultable to your Fortunes.

And can you be so unkind as to leave me now after all your large Pro­fessions? Pray don't;—I can't suffer whilst you are neer me; we'll injoy more Wealth in one another's Love, than all the World can give; and when my slender Competency fails, I can Limn, Embroyder, work Lace, and do a thou­sand such pretty trifling Knacks.

Thou Mirrour of Perfections! Thy goodness has amaz'd me;—When Love goes to draw Seraphick Sweetness with a Cherub's Face, Thou shalt sit to the little Genius.

—Then since you think I deserve you, Why de'e grudge me the Present of your self.

Madam, I am no more my own; tho' I fear the gift may be fatal; if the visible Universe were mine to give you, I shou'd think it too mean a Joynture.

Indeed Cousin, the Knight will be here presently; 'tis time now to settle your looks into a Marriage Figure.

—Is Sir Popular resolv'd upon't still?

—Ay, ay,—he's unalterable in such a case as this; he expects you'll rather be nick't o' your 5000 l. than consent to the Match.

Some o' these Aldermen have Consciences as large as their Charter.

I have not seen this Sir Credulous above thrice; the last time was yesterday, and then I us'd him so, I thought he wou'd ha' made no more Advances.

Truly he resented your Carriage, after his way; I found him in a mo­derate Foam.

And did not you tell me he resolv'd I shou'd die for him, rather than he wou'd prevent it with one kind word?

—I did so, and more then that, he was so sweet upon me I was half afraid he wou'd ha' Ladyfi'd me.

—Why such a change then?

Sir Popular was with him before five this Morning, and tamper'd with his Fool-ship then, I fancy.

They'r both very quick.

Ay, Matrimony now a-days, requires as little warning as in the Play­house; where the Parties shall make the first Interview in the Fourth Act, and Marry in the Fifth.

Ladies, your humble Servant: this, I understand is like to be a jovial day.

Ay, Sir Popular intends to have a band o' Fiddles towards the Evening.

No, no, he's for none o' your Cat-gut Minstrelsie; but prithee Roman, What pretences can you have here now?

Why truly Shuffle as many as ever I had.

Well, but this is no time for fooling;—in short, the business is this—

Marries this very day, and is now at Sir Credulous Trinket's.

Very good.

He stays to bring Sir Credulous along with him, in order to Marry Ma­dam Juliana at the same time.

But he shall find he can't dispose of me.

But he can dispose of part o' your Portion then, and that consideration will satisfie him as well.—Pray Madam, let me understand your Circum­stances in this case, 'tis possible I may releive you.

[Page]

—Prodigious Impudence!

Now my Ranting Rogues, let's go and Carous for Joy; now I may tip­ple undisturb'd, and be accountable to no body, ye Rascals;—I'll never sleep without a Roundlet o' Brandy under my head, and when I die let over­flowing Cups drop tears o' my Tomb—Hah Boys—

Whilst my finger draws out a liquid Epitaph.

—I shall love thee my old Trojan whilst I live, for trapaning my fierce Mrs. Damnable thus;—I shall faith▪

We were forc't to corrupt the Scout.

—But heark you mun—Who is this same young Fellow that Sparks her thus?

The most White-liver'd Coward that ever took advantage; and a mo­dish sort of a Fop that is proud to be reckon'd a Debauchee;—He'll boast of his Venereal Misfortunes, as so many Badges of Immortal Honour; and is as proud of a Surgeon's Bill, as a Noble-man's Chaplain is of his Scarf;—There's not a Great Person about Court, but is his Familiar, he pretends; Nor a taking Nameless Pamphlet, which he does not adopt;—He's a—

So mun so, we have had enough of him here, let's discourse the rest of his Qualities over a Glass;—we'll go to Harry's, he's an honest Fellow, he'll broach a fresh run for us.—Come, my Three Merry Boys, I shall be a Prince indeed now.—Hey Boys.—

Ay, and as absolute as your Draught; you shall be no more Homager to your quondam Imperial Consort; we all swear Fealty to your Diadem; and Brimmers shall be tender'd as the Test;—he that knocks under board shall be look't upon as a Dissenter, and amerc't a Penal Groat the next Morning.—Come.—

SCENE II. Sir Popular' s House.

No wonder, Madam, your so soon this Morning, since this is almost the last hour you can call your self your own; sure your Barbarous Uncle will revoke the too severe Doom.

No,—he'll urge it with all the rigour that lucre can provoke him to;—he knows my aversion forfeits half my Portion; but rather than contract a holy Vow with any other than your dear self, I'll resign my life too, as a bur­then without ye.

Alas, my wondrous Creature, I am each way unworthy of so divine a Blessing; my Fortunes are as mean as my Deserts;—I have ne'er a gaudy Coach grac't with a Rank of Lacquies to attend you; no supple French Valet calls me Master; I have no swelling Titles, no fawning Parasites, no—

But Nature has enrich't you with Treasures more valuable, and tho' the Remains of my divided Portion won't be an equivalent to your Merits, I am sure my Passion will.

How cou'd I see the loveliest thing my heart e'er knew, in a station be­neath her too great Worth and Beauty! No, my sole delight, rather than throw [Page] away your Excellencies upon one wou'd undo you, surrender your self up to your Uncles Pleasure, and Marry the Party he designs; he's rich, and can sup­port you in an Equipage suitable to your Fortunes.

And can you be so unkind as to leave me now after all your large Pro­fessions? Pray don't;—I can't suffer whilst you are neer me; we'll injoy more Wealth in one another's Love, than all the World can give; and when my slender Competency fails, I can Limn, Embroyder, work Lace, and do a thou­sand such pretty trifling Knacks.

Thou Mirrour of Perfections! Thy goodness has amaz'd me;—When Love goes to draw Seraphick Sweetness with a Cherub's Face, Thou shalt sit to the little Genius.

—Then since you think I deserve you, Why de'e grudge me the Present of your self.

Madam, I am no more my own; tho' I fear the gift may be fatal; if the visible Universe were mine to give you, I shou'd think it too mean a Joynture.

Indeed Cousin, the Knight will be here presently; 'tis time now to settle your looks into a Marriage Figure.

—Is Sir Popular resolv'd upon't still?

—Ay, ay,—he's unalterable in such a case as this; he expects you'll rather be nick't o' your 5000 l. than consent to the Match.

Some o' these Aldermen have Consciences as large as their Charter.

I have not seen this Sir Credulous above thrice; the last time was yesterday, and then I us'd him so, I thought he wou'd ha' made no more Advances.

Truly he resented your Carriage, after his way; I found him in a mo­derate Foam.

And did not you tell me he resolv'd I shou'd die for him, rather than he wou'd prevent it with one kind word?

—I did so, and more then that, he was so sweet upon me I was half afraid he wou'd ha' Ladyfi'd me.

—Why such a change then?

Sir Popular was with him before five this Morning, and tamper'd with his Fool-ship then, I fancy.

They'r both very quick.

Ay, Matrimony now a-days, requires as little warning as in the Play­house; where the Parties shall make the first Interview in the Fourth Act, and Marry in the Fifth.

Ladies, your humble Servant: this, I understand is like to be a jovial day.

Ay, Sir Popular intends to have a band o' Fiddles towards the Evening.

No, no, he's for none o' your Cat-gut Minstrelsie; but prithee Roman, What pretences can you have here now?

Why truly Shuffle as many as ever I had.

Well, but this is no time for fooling;—in short, the business is this—

Marries this very day, and is now at Sir Credulous Trinket's.

Very good.

He stays to bring Sir Credulous along with him, in order to Marry Ma­dam Juliana at the same time.

But he shall find he can't dispose of me.

But he can dispose of part o' your Portion then, and that consideration will satisfie him as well.—Pray Madam, let me understand your Circum­stances in this case, 'tis possible I may releive you.

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Thus Sir;—5000 l. was left me by an Uncle his Elder Brother, upon condition I shou'd consent to Marry the first Match that Sir Popular offer'd me; otherwise, the Legacy was to fall to him, provided it cou'd appear, that he had only propounded my Fortune, and no indirect means to himself.

'Tis exactly as I represented it to you yesterday.

—Ay, and observe what use I have made on't already;—you must know, he has sham'd Sir Credulous out of a 1000 l. this Morning; and by my procurement, has quitted all his future Claims to Madam Juliana's Legacy by a General Release, which is now in Sir Credulous's Custody.

—Well,—but Sir Credulous will re-deliver it, I suppose, upon the breach o' the Match.

—You shall hear—I have perswaded him to present it to the Lady, after her consent; as a means to work upon her Ingenuity, by making her Mistress of her own Fortunes.

So she must seem to give her assent.

Ay, Madam, be sure you sweeten him up as if you were his own; I'll contrive to Spirit him out o' the way, till Sir Popular be Marry'd, I'll warrant you.

There will be no need on't; she may absent her self, after 'tis in her Possession.

But de'e see;—I am interested in Sir Popular's Marriage, and must en­deavour to maintain a plausible understanding betwixt Sir Credulous and him, till the Ceremony in the Church be consummated;—in short, I have some Mo­ney due from Sir Popular for a secret service.

I partly apprehend you;—so that, you wou'd secure Sir Credulous, till you had receiv'd your Sum, least his disturbance might be of ill consequence to you.

Ay, ay,—Now, Sir Popular having a 1000 l. by him, he'll discharge me without any farther trouble, rather than have me expose him.

Besides,—his contracting with Sir Credulous upon such an account, tho' indirectly, will invalidate his Title, by the Condition of the Will.

But prithee don't you be seen here, till you receive a Summons from me;—I'll to the Bridge, and order her to detain Sir Popular, till the other Knight be dispos'd off.

This Mr. Shuffle is such another; he'll over-reach my Uncle if it be pos­sible to do't.

Ay, indeed, there's a hopeful prospect of circumventing him now; but it will be convenient for the better circulation of the business, that I absent my self.

My heart, you'll remember the faith that is betwixt us.

How unseasonably you remind me;—Can the Tenant forget the Service he holds all his Lands by? Or a Beggar the needy moving Cant that su­stains him? But you cou'd not doubt me sure; your Idea Sollicits for you, and never leaves me; it distracts my thoughts, and breaks my slumbers; I must rove about like a restless Ghost till I see you again.

—And when must I expect you, my Thoughts?

—About an hour hence I hope;—till then the whole Hierarchy protect you.

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I fancy Cousin this love is a pretty pleasant Bable; there's such dying Leers, such unaccountable Gestures, such soft confusion amongst you.—Me­thinks I cou'd wish for a little experience of that antick Foolery, only for an op­portunity to laugh at my self.

Cou'd not Mr. Bravado bring you acquainted with it?

No,—He has a Quarrel against me.

—Some Love Skirmish.

—He Swears, he'll never see me again, which Oath I hope he'll observe.

Does he suspect the Humour you past upon him Yesterday?

I almost fancy so;—some had been fooling with the Visards, and so Bug-bear'd both of 'em out o' the Closet, else I had trick't 'em neatly.

But you must leave these Merriments now;—our new Aunt's seve­rity won't dispence with 'em.

—We shall be worse pester'd now with a Religious Din, than ever; there'll be such screwing o' Faces, and drawing o' Sentences through the Nose, amongst the Assembly.—Well, if she don't prove a right one in the con­clusion, I am mistaken.

Kins-woman, I have brought you the Gentleman I design for your Husband, and I conceive he may be a proportionable Match for you;—Therefore prepare for Marriage this very day.

—The notice is very short, Sir.

Let this be the day Lady by all means; the Asterisms are in a very a­micable aspect, and seem to be our Genial Torches;—if we shou'd decline this Invitation, perhaps their future position might continue malevolent out o' revenge.

Kinswoman, I charge you be advis'd by me, and be joyn'd forthwith; He's a good man, and has a comfortable Fortune, I conceive.

Sir, I never knew how to disobey you.

In earnest, very meekly answer'd;—Well, I have some Nego­tiations to look after; after I have attended these, we'll all go together, and di­spatch the pious Affair.—Hem—

Then Sir, you have forgot your Asseverations to me?

—Seriously, Sweet Madam, I was assail'd with such violence, in this fair Ladies behalf, by my worthy Friend Sir Popular that I am not impowr'd to disoblige him.

So rather then be uncivil to him, you'll do injustice to her;——O good Sir, let not me in the least be the cause of such an Immortality!

Fie Cousin;—here's a coldness indeed, and such approaching Joys in prospect!—Believe me, there's no other engagement betwixt us, than the obligation of common Civility.

Indeed, Fair Lady, I must confess, your Cousin was not thought unworthy of those respectful Tenders you neglected yesterday; but upon second thoughts, I did believe your ill-advis'd Behaviour to be the effects of your Mode­sty, and do therefore remit your miscarriage.

'Twere pity Sir, to trespass on so good a Nature.

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Seriously, most excellent Being, Choler never predominates with me, I can allow for Sublunary Failures.

—Or else you'd Massacr'd Bravado yesterday.

He's an abusive Gentleman, and did impose a little too much upon my Mediocrity.

—Have you seen him since, Sir?

Seriously, fine Lady, no;—I was Arrested by a Gang of good Fel­lows; they wou'd have me make one with 'em;—'Twas past Ten of the Clock when I left 'em, I cou'd not endure it any longer; there was such Drink­ing, and storming, and scuffling;—Here lay a Hat, there a Wig, here one lay supine, there another;—I profess you might ha' seen as various a Horch­potch as in a Giblet Pye.

But don't you find your self indispos'd this Morning, Sir?

The Emulsion has cool'd me a little, but I am cloudy still; else I had invented some uncommon curiosity, for the Illustration of our Nuptial Solemnity.

—Some Mask, or Fire-works?

No, no, these are dull—A pair of Turtles supporting a Pageant that represents the Solitary Phoenix, first warbling out an Epithalamium, and then expiring in a Spicy Flame, wou'd be a high Conceit.

You have Travel'd, Sir, I fancy.

O very far, and altogether in search of Nature, which I found at last in spight of all her Mazes, and am now improving her into an Art.

Is it possible, Sir?

Questionless;—I am now teaching a Magpy to discourse in form, a Snail to walk erect, a Sammon to become Amphibious, and graze in Medows;—In short, I am teaching Nature to be unnatural.

And has wrought the Experiment upon himself.

—You'll out-doe the Greshamites.

O, they are a Phegmatick Society.

—Sure your Education has been costly, Sir Credulous?

Costly!—Ay, I think it has:—So much at Amsterdam for learning to eat a Lobster; so much at Paris for mounting a Kite, so much at Ma­drid for scourging a Top—

—Your own Country might have accomplisht you with these Perfections.

O you are much mistaken, fair Madam;—your Forreigners are more polite a great deal; there's not a Curiosity Master in England, let me tell you so much.

Why, Sir, is the breaking up of a Lobster a Curiosity?

A choice one believe me—But now for my more solid and sub­stantial Sciences;—There's first—

May I give you Joy, Sir Credulous?

You may antidate your Salutation, if you please.

—Now there's some appearance of a Delivery from him, and all his Odious Impertinence.

We'll leave you with this Gentleman, Sir;—your Brides Dress must be refin'd a little.

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Have you presented your Lady with Sir Popular's discharge yet?

Seriously I had forgot.

—O fie,—run after her with it—quick—

—I forc't it into her hand;—she expects 'tis some Song, I'll warrant you;—She loves me extreamly, I knew the vertueo' the Phil­ter was irresistible.

Udds me! Now you talk of Philters;—Who de'e think did me the honour to take notice o' me this Morning?

Who, pray?

—The fam'd Astrologer, Rabbie Nathan, born a Jew, but bred a Chaldean for some time;—you must be acquainted with his Fame certainly.

O Sir, who can be a Stranger to't? Wou'd our Personal Acquain­tance were as great.

He's at present hard by; I'll send the Foot-boy to him to desire his Company here.

We shou'd ha' sent in more formality to such a Personage as he is.

—He's a most obliging Man in his way;—I am confident he'll come, if he be not gone to the Synagogue;—it seems there is some Jewish Rite perform'd there to day.

Has he any English?

—Yes, but almost as broken as his Nation.

—I have tome little smattering of Hebrew, but none of Chaldy.

No! why the Radix is altogether the same; Chaldy was only the more Courtly Dialect.

—But is his English intelligible?

—Yes, only a little harsh and broad.—He's here—

Hail Rabbie Shoffle.

All Hail most Honourable Prophet.

—I am hoonly a Magus haan dee Divine by Causes naatouraal.

Mr. Rabby, I shall think my self highly honour'd, if your Reverence will condescend to Dine with me.

Nay, I neever eat with the hun-circumcis'd; I smell no Christian Pork.

—If this Rogue don't forget his Lesson, we shall have success.

I Swere, thou haast ha mole hin the hollow of thy haam.

Seriously I have so; is it his skill in Palmistry that directs him, think we?

Thou dost purpose to take to thy self a Wife before the sixth hour.

I profess, a most Incomparable Man.

Nay, nay,—The Plaanets, aan the Fowls of the Aar, aan the Flaame, aan the Smook, aan the Entrails, aan the Shears, aan the Ompha do forbid thee.

Ay!—Then my Calculation was not exact.

— Rabbie's Infallible;—there has been some mistake in your Scheme.

Louk een this Glass, aan thou shaalt behold the Revolution of thy days; It waas the South-sayer Uzzi's, whou waas ouf the Tribe ouf Lettle Ben­jamin.

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I profess Rabby, I can scarce discern any thing.

—That ees because thou waants my Vestments; cloath thy saalf een them, aan thy Fortune shaall appear; they were Consecrated when I so­journ'd in the Saandy Desart, aand have a Proognosticating Quality.

I beseech you most Reverend Rabbie, let me try 'em.—A Profound Man!

puts off his Coat and Breeches gives'em to Quack, puts on his Breeches and Gown.

Come, Sir Credulous I'll help you to hold it steddy.

I profess, I can discern nothing, but a kind of a glimmering Confu­sion,—Most Excellent Rabby.

Ha!—What now!—He's Vanish't, as I live.

—Heavens shield us!—Indeed I thought the House shook.—Strange!—

Your Cloaths are Vanisht with him too;—Are not they?

Ha.—No,—I see 'em there—

Ay!—My Breeches are light, methinks—Heavens!—He's gone with a Hundred Peices, besides Medals and other Moveables.

It can't be sure;—marry he's a Jew indeed.

—A Pox Rabby him, wou'd there were a Hogs-pudding in his Belly.

—See what he has left you in Exchange. in his Prognosticating Pockets.

—What's here—

—At the Ignoramus-Head in Ca­bal-Corner, near Treason-street,—Lodgeth the much noted Astrologer, Rabbie Nathan the Chaldean, he Resolves Questions, Calculates Nativities, and performs other Secrets, and is to be spoke with at his own Lodgings, from Nine till Elea­ven, by all such as will make tryal of his Art.

Here's a Cheat!—We'll have it Recorded at Filchers-Hall amongst the Memoirs o' the Pick-pockets.

Is there no way think you to countermine this Typical Rogue?

Your best way will be to go directly to Mr. Zeal's the Constables, you remember where I went in, when we parted t'other day.

Ay, Very well.

Charge him along with you to Rabby's Lodgings, and if you find him there, take him up.

But I shall be too late for my other concern.

—No, no, Rabby does not lodge far off;—'Tis true, the place is Obscure, but Mr. Zeal's acquainted there, he'll find it out—Make haste, never stay to alter your Habit.

I approve o' your advice, and will about it with—all Expedition.

I must help him to his Moveables again, else the Humour wou'd look a little pilfering, and base.

We convey'd your Conjurer out a▪doors▪—What is he, pray Sir?

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A Quacking Bill-poster by profession; I was a little indebted to him, and Sir Credulous, I thank him has discharg'd the trifle.

How have you dispos'd o' the poor Innocent Knight Sir?

I have furbisht him out i' the Garb of a Grecian (though he believes 'tis the Habit of an Hebrew, and have directed him to a Constable that will secure him, I'm sure.

Without any pretence?

You must know, I prepossest him this Morning, that there was a Jesuit, one Father Wild-fire, about Town, and that I was to be in Company with him about ten of the Clock, and wou'd endeavour some occasion to betray him into his power.

So the Constable will have him before Authority?

No, I advis'd him to secure him till I came;—The design on't was, to get Sir Popular Marry'd in the mean time.

You need not ha' given your self so much trouble,—It seems, my Un­cle was impatient, he's gone to Church already, and the Ceremony almost over by this time.

Happy News!—I'll away and rescue Sir Credulous, and be here a­gain presently.—Your Servant Ladies.

Truly I am very much oblig'd to this Gentleman for his Activity upon my account.

I'll swear he's an Ingenious, good Natur'd Man; have you not obser­ved how he wou'd rail against the times with Sir Popular, and be so serious and concern'd all the time; then turn his back, and fashion a Treacherous Smile;—Well, methinks I cou'd fancy his Humour.

So Cousin, you are coming on I find; this Approbation of his Humour, is preliminary to a Passion for his Person.

Indeed, a bold conclusion from such slender premises;—Is that your Love-Sophistry?

'Twill be convenient, Madam, that you withdraw; Sir Credulous is coming up.

You have made a quick return, Sir Credulous.

—My Entertainment did not Invite me to stay, I'll promise you.

—What was the matter pray?

—Why, I was almost Murther'd amongst 'em;—The Con­stable was not within, and when I desir'd one of his Prentices to direct me to Rabby's Lodgings, he said there was no such place i' the City, but houted at me, and exposed me to the fury of the Rabble, that scowr'd after me with Bones and broken Bricks, and if I had not most nimbly approach't this Asylum, they had certainly demolisht me.

—Indeed their behaviour was a little rude to a person of your Quality.

—Seriously I think 'tis my fortune to fall into the hands of Jews to day; they tell me below, that Sir Popular is gone to perform his Conjugal Rite.

Ay, and Madam Juliana too.

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And I here?—It can't be.—Pray, explain your meaning.

—Why then, she is most certainly another Man's Wife.

—My Lady another Man's Wife say you?

—Ay, indeed;—and therefore I perswade my self, that this practice was agreed upon betwixt Rabby and Sir Popular, to hurry you into a con­fusion, and so present him with an opportunity of stealing away to Church without ye.

Ay, ay, there lay the Intrigue,—I find then Sir Popular has abus'd me.

If I deal ingeniously with you Sir Credulous, believe it to be the effects of my good Wishes; therefore to be plain; you have expos'd your self so noto­riously by doating upon ev'ry worthless trifle, and busying your Brain about such odd Fantastick Queries, that ev'ry needy Sharping Rook discovers your blind side, and serves his ends upon you.

I hope you won't condemn my Emulation for knowledge.

—First, recompose your Mind, and endeavour to know more o' the World; leave your nice Contemplations, and observe the Publick; you'll soon discover that my advice was seasonable, take my word.

I profess to you, I do a little fear, I have been impos'd upon o' late; I'll therefore scrutinise into the Manners of Men, frequent Gaming Houses, Bowling-Greens, and all such places of Concourse.

Continue your Resolution.

But how shall I proceed with Sir Popular, I wou'd have him notify'd?

Come, I'll direct you.

Scene changes to a Dining-Room.

How do I become my Honour Wench?

—Wench! I must now be Mistriss Faith, and your Ladiship's Woman.

But did you observe with what solemnity Mr. Shuffle gave me Joy?

Ay;—I'll swear it happen'd well o' his side, he has got 500 l. in Gold o' Sir Popular.

—I was afraid, I shou'd ha' been discover'd upon't, only he help't me well out with it, by saying I cou'd not call in any of my own, and therefore he procur'd such a Sum for me.

Madam, I give your Ladiship Joy.

—Wah they say yea'r dub'd a Lady to day, Good Gullman, by my Saul Ise glad to hear't, maury mickle Glee may you have on't, that's the warst that I wad ye.

Upon my Honour good people, I don't know you.

—Ah well-a-day, what have you forgotten Honest Robbin your and Yorkshire Carrier, that brought ye up all your Deft Lasses.

— Faith, give the Poor Man 6 d. and set him away.

—Maury but I mun ha' mare than 6 d. or 6 l. outhor; yea owe me for Nell Bounce, and Bessy Nessle still, I reet weel rememmer; an like your Worship:

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How!—My Lady entertaining two Distressed French Protestants!—These are not people of fit Quality to be seen with her I conceive;—but I'll over-hear the occasion on't.

—Upon my honour poor Wretch, I can't understand thee.

—Lac-a-day, Wah dinnot yea knaw Robbin that us'd to furnish you with fresh Ware?—I have e'en the Bonniest Lass at my Inn now, for your Worship's purpose, that ever went Rigledy, Rigledy.

What's this!—Lass, and fresh Ware?—Wou'd all things be right.

—Sure good people you are mistaken someway; I am not the person you shou'd address to;—therefore pray walk down, your Company is a di­sparagement to my Quality.

I commend her, she won't make her self little.

—Pray Madam don't think to put us off so; we have forborn you long enough; therefore pray pay me the 5 l. that is due to me.

For what Sir?

—For my diligence in the execution of love business; you know, at first I was only employ'd to fetch and carry; but after, upon experience of my Agility of Body, and satisfactory Dimensions, you were pleas'd to advance me to your highest station;—and I think I behav'd my self like a faithful Pains-ta­ker till you left off Bawding▪

Ha!—What's that you say Sir?—My Lady a Bawd?—Speak—I command you speak.

—I'll speak for him; and can assure you, you'r Marri'd to as great a Bawd as ever grac't Cart, with no other Portion than Disease and Scandal.

I die, I faint,—Thou Devil,—Thou Damn'd Whore,—I'll murder thee presently;—Where's my Gutlace,—My Dagger,—My Pocket-Flail.—Oh, oh.—

Maary honest Friend, if she be your Wife, I mun luke o' ye for my Silver; she had good sound ware o' me, weel I wate, and sea good Morn to you.

'Tis pitty Sir, to let the poor honest Carrier suffer; if you shou'd chance to live together, and keep a Publick House; he'll import another Argosie, and restock your Lady with Merchandise.

O thou base, insulting, Treacherous Rogue; this was thy contrivance, I have Treason against thee, and will impeach, and hang thee, thou Dog.

Now you remind me on't, I have something against your Good Wor­ship too, Most Noble Patriot.—Here—Serjeants—

—Serjeants do your Office.

We Arrest you in the King's Name, at the Sute of Sir Credulous Trinkett in an Action of a Thousand Pound.

—S'heart, has this Devil here serv'd me with an Action;

O my Life, my Name!—Thou Barbarous Rascal, I will tear these Eyes from that Perfidious Skull.

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—Officers, away with your Prisoner, and take care he don't do Justice on himself, and hang himself up in his own Chain.

Ha, ha,—His Nuptials are Solemniz'd with a Boon Grace methinks.

Good Lord, Mr. Shuffle, Sir Popular's in a wonderful great Agony yonder, it seem's he's Marry'd to some lewd Woman and is Arrested.

Ay, indeed, your old Patroon is under great Affliction, a grosser Villain never headed Faction to my knowledge, he only startl'd you with groundless fears, to gloze and gull you out of Plentiful Contributions; then lavish 'em out upon Strumpets.

—Bless us!—Truly it appears so now.

—Plainly, he has a 100 l. of mine in his hand, for maintenance of the Liberty o' the Subject,——Ah wo'es me!—

—And 200 o' mine, by fair Yea and Nay;—I have no other Security, than a Promise of re-payment in Lands.—Ah—

Indeed Gentlemen, you have a hopeful Bargain on't: This was your Darling Demagogue that you rever'd.

—I must confess, I have been a Rascal amongst you, and have con­corded with Sir Popular, to baffle, poison, and seduce you▪ but now my needs are a little mollify'd, and I do therefore recant, and am resolv'd never to have re­course to these Consecrated Frauds again.

—Good Heavens!—How strangely we have been deluded Neigh­bours—Let's e'en leave Conventickling, take the Oaths, and go to Church.

Now my Friend, go and make your self Master of Madam Juliana and Fortunes; I think Sir Popular's Pretences to 'em are disabl'd.

—I have reason to esteem thee a Friend indeed▪ That has neglected thy own Interest to serve me.

I hope we have contracted such a Tie, as Jealousie can never violate, or necessity betray.

And now let us confirm it by Alliance;—Madam, you have not vow'd Celibacy I am confident.—She will consider the Appurtinances of Wit and Good Humour.

Truly such a Fortune wou'd clear my Debts, redeem my Credit, and help me to some Honourable Imployment.