AN Assember is part of the States Chattels: nor Priest, nor Burgess, but a Participle that Sharks upon both. He was chosen, as Sir Nathaniel, because he knew least of all his Profession, not by the Votes of a whole Diocess, but by one whole Parliament-man. He has sate four years towards a New Religion, but in the interim left None at all. As his Masters, the Commons, had a long Debate whether Candles or no Candles, but all the mean while sate still in the Dark: And therefore when the Moon quits her old Light, and has acquired no new, Astronomers say she is in her Synode. Shew me such a Picture of Judas as the Assembler, (a Griping, False, Refor­ming Brother; Rails at Wast spent upon the Anointed; Perse­cutes most those Hands which Ordain'd Him; brings in Men with Swords and Staves; and all for Money from the Honoura­ble Scribes and Pharisees:) One Touch more (a Line tyed to his Name-sake Elder-tree) had made him Judas Root and Branch. This Assembly at first was a full Century; which should be reckon'd as the Scholiast's Hecatomb, by their Feet, not Heads: or count them by Scores, for in things without Heads Six-score do go to an Hundred. They would be a New [Page 6] Septuagint; the old Translated Scripture out of Hebrew into Greek, these turn it to four shillings a day. And all these As­semblers were begot in one day, as Hercules's fifty Bastards all in one night. Their first List was sprinkled with some Names of Honour (Dr. Sanderson, Dr. Mor [...]y, Dr. Hammond, &c.) But these were Divines too worthy to mix with such Scandalous Ministers, and would not Assemble without the Royal Call. Nay, the first List had one Arch-Bishop, one Bishop, and an half, (for Bishop Brownrigg was then but Elect.) But now their As­sembly (as Philosophers think the World) consists of Atoms, petty small Levites, whose Parts are not Perceptible. And yet these inferior postern Teachers have intoxicated England, (for a Man sometimes grows Drunk by a Glister.) When they all meet, they shew Beasts in Africk, by promiscuous coupling ingen­der Monsters. Mr. Selden visits them (as Persians use) to see wild Asses sight: when the Commons have tyr'd him with their new Law, these Brethren refresh him with their mad Gospel. They lately were gravell'd 'twixt Jerusalem and Jericho; they knew not the distance 'twixt those two places; one cry'd Twen­ty miles, another Ten, 'twas concluded Seven, for this reason, that Fish was brought from Jericho to Jerusalem- Market: Mr. Selden smil'd, and said, perhaps the Fish was salt Fish, and so stopp'd their mouths. Earl Philip goes thither to hear them spend; when he heard them toss their NATIONAL, PRO­VINCIAL, CLASSICAL, CONGREGATIO­NAL; he swore damnably, that a Pack of good Dogs made better Musick: His Allusion was proper, since the Elder's Maid had a four-legg'd Husband. To speak truth, this As­sembly is the two Houses Tiring-Room, where the Lords and Commons put on their Visards and Masques of Religion. And their Honours have so sifted the Church, that at last they have found the Bran of the Clergy. Yet such poor Church-men­ders must Reform and Shuille, though they find Church-Go­vernment may a thousand ways be changed for the worse, but not one way for the better. They have lately published ANNOTATIONS on the Bible, where their first Note [Page 7] (on the word CREATE) is a Libel against Kings for cre­ating of Honours. Their Annotation on Jacob's two Kids, is, that two Kids are too much for one man's Supper: but he had (say they) but one Kid, and the other made Sauce. They observe up­on Herod, what a Tyrant he was, to kill Infants under two years old, without giving them a Legal Trial that they might speak for themselves. Commonly they follow the Geneva Mar­gin, as those Sea-men, who understood not the Compass crept a­long the Shore. But I hear they threaten a second Edition, and in the interim thrust forth a Paultry Catechism, which expounds Nine Commandments, and Eleven Articles of the Creed. Of late they are much in love with Chronograms, because (if possible) they are duller than Anagrams; O how they have torn the poor Bishops names to pick out the Number of 666! little dreaming that a whole Bakers dozen of their own Assembly have that Beastly Number in each of their Names, and that as exactly as their Solemn League and Covenant consists of 666 Words. But though the Assemblers Brains are Lead, his Countenance is Brass; for he Damn'd such as held Two Benefices, while himself has Four or Five, besides his Concubine- Lecture. He is not against Pluralities, but Dualities; He says 'tis unlawful to have Two of his own, though Four of other mens; and observes how the Hebrew word for Life has no Singular number. Yet 'tis some Relief to a Sequester'd Person to see two Assemblers snarl for his Tyths; for of all kind of Beasts none can match an As­sembler, but an Assembler. He never enters a Church by the Door, but clambers up through a Window of Sequestration, or steals in through Vaults and Cellars by Clandestine Contracts with an Expecting Patron. He is most sure no Law can hurt him, for Laws dyed in England the year before the Assembler was born. The best way to hold him, is (as our King Richard bound the King of Cyprus) in Silver Chains. He loves to di­scourse of the new Jerusalem, because her Streets are of fine Gold; and yet could like London as well, were Cheapside pav'd with the Philosophers Stone. Nay he would say his Prayers with Beads, if he might have a Set made all of Diamonds: This, [Page 8] this is it which tempts him to such mad Articles against the Loyal Clergie, whom he dresses as he would have them appear; just as the Ballad of Dr. Faustus brings forth the Devil in a Friars Weed. He accus'd one Minister, for saying the Blessed Virgin was the Mother of God, ( [...], as the Ancients call her) Another he Charg'd for a Common Drunkard, whom all the Country knows has drunk nothing but Water these six and twenty years. But the Assembler himself can drink Widows Tears though their Husbands are not Dead. Sure, if Para­celsus's Doctrine were true, (that to eat creatures alive will perpe­tuate mans life) the Assembler were immortal, for he swallows quick men, Wives, and Children, and devours Lives as well as Livings; as if he were born in that Pagan Province where None might Marry till he had Kill'd twelve Christians. This makes him kneel to Lieutenant General Cromwel (as Indians to the Devil;) for he saw how Oliver first threw—, then—, and can with a wink do as much for—: like Milo in the Olympicks, by practising on a Calf grew strong enough for a Bull, and could with ease give a lift to an Asse. The great Turk was sending his Ambassador, to congratulate the Assembly's Pro­ceedings against the Christians; He Ordered them Thanks for Licencing his Alcoran to be Printed in English; but hearing Ot­toman Cromwell had talk'd of Marching to the Walls of Constanti­nople, that Embassy was stopt. The only difference 'twixt the Assembler and a Turk, is, that one Plants Religion by the power of the Sword, and the other by the Power of the Cymitar. Nay, the greatest strife in their whole Conventicle, is who shall do worst; for they all intend to make the Church but a Sepulchre, having not only Plundred, but Anatomiz'd all the true Cler­gy; whose Torment is heightned in being destroyed by such dull Instruments; as the Prophet Isaiah was Sawn to pieces with a wooden Saw. The Assembler wonders that the King and his Friends live still in Hope; he thinks them all in St. Clements, Case, drown'd with an Anchor ty'd about his neck. He has now got power to Visit the Universities; where these blinking Visitors look on eminent Scholars (as the Blind-man who saw [Page 9] Men like Trees) as Timber growing within the Root and Branch Ordinance. The Assembler has now left Scholars so poor, they have scarce Rags wherewith to make Paper. A man would think the Two Houses intended to transport the Universi­ties, since they load Asses with College-Revenues. For though these Assemblers made themselves Heads, they are ra­ther the Hands of Colleges, for they all are Takers, and take all; and yet they are such creeping Tyrants, that Scho­lars are Expelled the two Universities, as the old Thracians, forc'd from their Country, by Rats and Mice. So that Learn­ing now is so much advanced, as Arrow-smith's Glass-eye sees more than his Natural. They never admit a good Scholar to a Benefice; for the Assembly's Balance is the Lake of Sodom, where Iron swims, and Feathers sink. Their Divinity-Disputa­tions are with Women, or Lay-men; and 'tis only on one Question (Episcopacy) where the Assembler talks all that he and his friends can say, (though his best Medium to prove Presbyters more ancient than Bishops, is, that Scribes, Pharisees, Priests, and Elders, were before the Apostles;) yet if a Scholar or good Argument come, he flies them as much as if they were his Text. This made him curse Dr. Steward, Dr. Laney, and Dr. Hammond; and had he not had more Brass in his Face than in his Kitchin, he had hang'd himself at Uxbridge, and ended with that Treaty. For he has nought of Logick, but her clutcht fist; and rails at Philosophy as Beggars do at Gentlemen. He has very bad luck when he deals in Philolo­gy, as one of them (and that no mean man,) who, in his Preface to the Reader, says, that St. Paul had read Eustathius upon Homer, though the Apostle dyed a thousand years before Eustathius was born. The Assembler's Dyet is strangely different, for he dines wretchedly on dry Bread at Westminster, four Assemblers for thirteen pence: But this sharp­ens and whets him for Supper, where he feeds gratis with his City-Landlord, to whom he brings a huge Stomach and News; for which cram'd Capons cram him. He screws into Family's where there is some rich Daughter, or Heir; but whoever takes him into their Bosom, will dye like Cle [...]pa­tra. [Page 10] When it rain's he is Choak'd (a Classis of them together) row­ling his Eyes to mark who beholds him. His shortest things are his Hair and his Cloak. His Hair is cut to the figure of 3. two high Cliffs run up his Temples, whose Cape of shorn hair shoot's down his Forehead, with Creeks indented, where his Ears ride at Anchor. Had this false Prophet been carried with Habbakuk, the Angel had caught fast hold of his Ears, and led Him as He leads his Auditory. His Eyes are part of his Tithe at Easter, which he boyles at each Sermon. He has two Mouths, his Nose is one, for he speaks through both. His Hands are not in his Gloves, but his Gloves in his Hands; for 'twixt Sweat­ings, that is, Sermons, he handles little else, except his dear Mammon. His Gown (I mean his Cloak) reaches but his Pockets: when he rides in that Mantle, with a Hood on his Shoulders and a Hat above both, is he not then his own Man of Sin with the Tripple Crown? you would swear some ho­nest Carpenter dress'd him, and made him the Tunnel of a Countrey Chimney. His Doublet and Hose are of dark Blew, a grain deeper than pure Coventry: but of late he's in Black, since the Loyal Clergy were Persecuted into Co­lours. His two longest things are his Nayles and his Prayer. But the cleanest thing about him is his Pulpit-Cushion, for he still beats the Dust out of it. To do him Right, com­monly he wears a pair of good Lungs, whereby he turns the Church into a Belfry, for his Clapper makes such a Din, you cannot hear the Cymball for the Tinkling. If his Pulpit be Large, he walks his Round, and speaks as from a Garrison, (his own Neck is Palizado'd with Ruff.) When he first enters his Prayer before Sermon, he winks and gasps, and gasps and winks, as if he prepared to Preach in another World: He seems in a Slumber, then in a Dream; then rumbles a while; at last he sounds forth, and then throws so much Dirt and Non-Sense towards Heaven, as he durst not offer to a Mem­ber of Parliament. Now because Scripture bids him not Curse the King in his Thought, he do's it in his Pulpit by Word of Mouth; though Heaven strike him Dumb in the very Act, as it did Hill at Cambridge, who while he Pray'd, Depose [Page 11] Him, O Lord, who would Depose us, was made the Dumb Devil. This (one would think) should gargle his foul mouth. For his only hope why God should hear him against the King, is the Devil himself (that great Assembler) was heard against Job. His whole Prayer is such an irrational Bleating that (without a Metaphor) 'tis the Calves of his Lips: And com­monly 'tis Larded with fine new words, as Savingable, Much­ly, Christ-Jesusness, &c. and yet he has the face to Preach a­gainst Prayer in an unknown Tongue. Sometimes he's Foun­der'd, and then there is such hideous Coughing! But that's very seldom, for he can glibly run over Non-sense, as an empty Cart trundles down a Hill. When the King girt round the Earl of Essex at Lestythiell, an Assembler complain'd that God had drawn his People into the Wilderness, and told Him, he was bound in Honour to feed them; for, Lord, said he, since thou givest them no Meat, we pray thee, O Lord, to give them no Sto­machs. He tore the Liturgy, because, forsooth, it shackl'd his Spirit, (he would be a Devil without a Circle;) and now if he see the Book of Common Prayer, the Fire sees it next, as sure as the Bishops were burn'd who compil'd it. Yet he has Mercy on Hopkins and Sternhold, because their Meeters are sung without Authority (no Statute, Canon, or Injunction at all;) only, like himself, first crept into private Houses, and then into Churches. Mr. Rous mov'd those Meeters might be Sequestred, and his own new Rithmes to enjoy the Sequestration; but was Refused, because John Hopkins was as ancient as John Calvin; Besides, when Rous stood forth for his Trial, Robin Wisdom was found the better Poet. 'Tis true they have a Directory, but 'tis good for nothing but A­doniram, who sold the Original for 400 l. And the Book must serve both England and Scotland, as the Directory Needle points North and South. The Assembler's only Ingenuity is, that he prays for an ex tempore Spirit, since his Conscience tells him he has no Learning. His Prayer thus ended, he then looks round, to observe the Sex of his Congregation, and accordingly turns the Apostles, Men, Fathers, and Brethren into Dear Brethren and Sisters. For, his usual Auditory is [Page 12] most part Female; and as many Sisters flock to Him, as at Paris on St. Margarets day, when all come to Church that are or hope to be with Child that year. He divides his Text as he did the Kingdom, makes one part fight against ano­ther: or as Burgess divides the Dean of Paul's House, not in­to Parts, but Tenements, that is, so as 'twill yield the most Money. And properly they are Tenements; for each Part must be dwelt upon, though himself comes near it but once a Quarter; and so his Text is rather Let out than Divided. Yet sometimes (to shew his skill in Keckerman,) he Butchers a Text, cuts it (just as the Levite did his Concubine) into ma­ny dead Parts, breaking the Sense and Words all to pieces; and then they are not Divided, but Shatter'd, like the Splin­ters of Don Quixot's Launce. If his Text be to the Occasion, his first Dish is Apples of Gold in Pictures of Silver; yet tells not the People what Pictures those were. His Sermon and Prayer grin at each other, though one is Presbyterian and the other In­dependent; for he Preaches up the Classes, yet prays for the Ar­my. Let his Doctrine and Reason be what they will, his Use is still to save his Benefice and augment his Lecture. He talks much of Truth, but abhors Peace, lest it strip him as naked as Truth; and therefore hates a Personal Treaty, unless with a Sister. He has a rare simpring way of expression; he calls a Married Couple, Saints that enjoy the Mystery; and a man Drunk, is a Brother full of the Creature. Yet at Wedding Ser­mons he is very familiar, and (like that Picture in the Church at Leyden) shews Adam and Eve without Fig-leaves. At Funerals, he gives infallible Signs that the Party is gone to Heaven; but his chief Mark of a child of God, is to be good to Gods Ministers. And hence 'tis he calls his Preachment, Man­na; fitted not to his Hearers Necessity, but their Palat; for 'tis to feed himself, not them. If he chance to tire, he refreshes himself with the Peoples Hum, as a Collar of Bells do chear up a Pack-horse. 'Tis no wonder he'll Preach, but that any will hear him; and his constant Auditors do but shew the length of their Ears;) For he is such an [...], that to hear him, makes good Scholars sick; but to [Page 13] read him, is death. Yet though you hear him three hours, he'll ask a fourth; as the Beggar at Delph craves your Cha­rity because he eats four pound of Bread at a Meal. 'Twas from his Larrum the Watch-makers learned their infinite Skrew. His Glass and Text are equally handled, that is, once an hour: nay, sometimes he sally's and never returns, and then we should leave him to the Company of Lorimers, for he must be held with Bit and Bridle. Who ever once has been at his Church can never doubt the History of Balaam. If he have got any new Tale or Expression, 'tis easier to make Stones speak than him to hold his peace. He hates a Church where there is an Eccho, for it robs him of his dear Repetition, and confounds the Auditory as well as he. But of all Mortals I admire the Short-hand-men, who have the Patience to write from his Mouth: had they the Art to shorten it into Sense, they might write his whole Sermon on the back of their Nail. For his Invention consists in finding a way to speak Nothing upon any thing; and were he in the Grand Seigniors power, he would lodge him with his Mutes; for Nothing and Nothing to purpose are all one. I wonder in Conscience he can Preach against Sleeping at his Opium-Sermons. He Preaches indeed both in Season and out of Season; for he rails at Popery, when the Land is almost lost in Presbytery; and would cry out Fire, Fire, in Noah's Flood. Yet all this he so acts with his Hands, that in this sence too his Preaching is a Handicraft. Nor can we complain that Plays are put down while he can Preach, save only his Sermons have worse Sense and less Truth. But he Blew down the Stage, and Preach'd up the Scaffold. And very wisely, lest men should track him, and find where he pilfers all his best Similes, (the only thing wherein he is commendable, St. Paul himself having cull'd Sentences from Meander's THAIS, though 'twas his worst, that is, unchast Comedy.) Sometimes the Assembler will venture at the Ori­ginal, and then (with the Translator of Don Quixot) he mistakes Sobs and Sighs for Eggs and Collops. But commonly (for want of Greek and Latin) he learns Hebrew, and streight is illuminated; that is, mad; his Brain is broke by a Brick­bat [Page 14] cast from the Tower of Babel. And yet this empty win­dy Teacher has Lectur'd a War quite round the Kingdom: he has found a Circulation of Blood for Destruction (as famous Har­vey for Preservation of Mankind.) 'Twas easier to foresee a great Mortality when Ravens were heard in all Corporations. For, as Multitudes of Frogs presage a Pestilence, so croaking Lectures foretold an Assembly. Men come to Church, as the Great Alexander went to Sacrifice, led by Crows. You have seen a small Elder tree grow in Chinks and Clefts of Church-walls; it seems rather a Weed than a Tree; which, lend it growth, makes a Rent in the Wall, and throws down the Church. Is not this the Assembler? grown from Schisms (which himself begot,) and if permitted, will make the Church but a Floor, or Church-yard. Yet, for all this, he will be called Christs Minister and Saint, as the Rebels against King John were the Army of God. Sure when they meet, they cannot but smile; for the dullest among them must needs know that they all cheat the People: such gross low Impostors, that we die the death of the Emperour Claudius, Poyson'd by Mushromes. The old Hereticks had Skill and Learning (some ex­cuse for a Seduced Church;) Those were Scholars, but these are Assemblers; whose very Brains (as Manichaeus's skin) are stuffed with Chaff. For they Study little, and Preach much, ever sick of a Diabete: nor do they read, but weed Authors, picking up cheap and refuse Notes, that with Caligula they gather Cockle-shells, and with Domitian retire into their Stu­dy to catch Flies. At Fasts and Thanksgivings the Assembler is the State's Trumpet; for then he doth not Preach, but is Blown; Proclaims News, very loud, the Trumpet and his Forehead being both of one Metal, (and yet, good man, he still prays for Boldness.) He Hackneys out his Voice like a Cryer; and is a kind of Spiritual Agitant, receives Orders, and spreads them. In earnest the States cannot want this Tool, for without him the Saints would scarce Assemble. And if the Zealots chance to fly out, they are charm'd home by this Sounding Brass. There is not on Earth a baser Sycophant; for he ever is chewing some Vote or Ordinance; and tells the People how [Page 15] savoury it is; like him who lick'd up the Emperour's Spittle and swore 'twas sweet. Would the two Houses give him Ca­thedral Lands, he would prove Lords and Commons to be Jure Divino: but should they offer him the Self-denying Ordinance, he would justifie the Devil and curse them to their faces, (his Brother Kirk-man did it in Scotland.) 'Tis pleasant to observe how finely they play into each others hands; Marshall pro­cures Thanks to be given to Sedgwick (for his great pains:) Sedgwick obtains as much for Marshall, and so they all pimp for one another. But yet (to their great comfort be it spo­ken) their whole seven years Sermons at Westminster are now to be sold in Fetter-Lane and Pye-Corner. Before a Battel the Assembler ever speaks to the Souldiers; and the holding up of his hands must be as necessary as Moses's against the Amalekites: For he pricks them on, tells them that God loves none but the Valiant: But when Bullets flye, Himself runs first, and then cry's All the Sons of Adam are Cowards! Were there any Me­tempsychosis his Soul would want a Lodging: No single Beast could fit him, being wise as a Sheep and innocent as a Wolf. His sole comfort is, he cannot out-sin Hugh Peters: Sure, as Satan hath possessed the Assembler, so Hugh Peters hath posses­sed Satan, and is the Devil's Devil. He alone would fill a whole Herd of Gadarens. He hath suck'd Blood ever since he lay in the Butchers Sheet; and now (like his Sultan) has a a Shambles in his Countenance; so crimson and torrid, you may there read how St. Laurence dyed; and think the three Children were delivered from his face. This is St. Hugh, who will Level the Assembler, or, the Devil's an Asse. Yoke these Brethren; and they two couple like a Sadducee and a Pharisee, or a Turk and a Persian, both Mahumetans. But the Assem­bler's deepest and highest Abomination, is his Solemn League and Covenant; whereby he strives to damn or begger the whole Kingdom; out-doing the Devil, who only perswades, but the Assembler forces to Perjury or Starving. And this (whoever lives to observe it) will one day sink both him and his Faction: For he and his Oath are so much one, that were he half han­ged and let down again, his first word would be Covenant! Covenant!

[Page 16]But I forgot, a Character should be brief: (though tedious Length be his best Character.) Therefore I'll give ye (what He deny's the Sequester'd Clergy) but a Fifth Part. For weigh him single, and he has the Pride of three Tyrants, the Forehead of six Gaolers, and the Fraud of twelve Brokers. Or, take him in the Bunch; and their whole Assembly is a Club of Hypocrites, where six dozen of Schismaticks spend two hours for four shillings apiece.