SKeltō was an En­glyshe man borne as Skogyn was, and hee was edu­cated & broughte vp in Oxfoorde: And there was he made a Poete Lauriat. And on a tyme hee had ben at Abbington to make mery, wher that he had eate salte mea­tes and hee did com late home to Oxforde, and he did lye in an Ine named y ^e Tabere whyche is now the Angell, and hee dyd drynke & went to bed. About midnight he was so thyrstie or drye that hee [Page] was constrained to call to the tapster for drynke, & the tapster harde him not, Then hee cryed to hys oste & hys ostes, and to the ostler for drinke and no man wold [...]ere hym, alacke sayd Skelton I shall peryshe for lacke of drynke, what reamedye. At the last he dyd crie out and sayd Fyer, Fyer, Fyer.

Then Skelton hard euery man bustled hym selfe vpward, & some of them were naked, & some were halfe a sleepe and a [...]as [...]d, and Skelton dyd c [...]ye Fier Fier (styll) that euerye man knewe not whe­ther to resorte. Skelton did go to bed, and the oste and ostis & the tapster with the ostler, dyd [...]ne to Skeltons chamber wyth can­dles lyghted in theyr handes say­ing where? where, where, is the fyer, here here here, said Skelton [Page] & poynted hys fynger to hys mo­uth, saying fetch me some drynke to quenche the fyer and the heate and the drinesse in my mouthe, & so they dyd: wherfore, it is good for euerye man to helpe hys owne selfe in time of neede wythe some policie or crafte, so bee it there bee no deceit nor falshed vsed.

ON a time Skeltō rode from Oxforde to Lon­don with a Kendalmā and at Oxbridge they [...]eyted: the Kendall man layd hys cap vpon the borde in the hall, and he went to serue hys horse: Skelton tooke y ^e Ken­dalmans cappe, and dyd put be­twixte [Page] the linyng & the viter syde a dishe of butter: and when the Kendalman had drest hys horse, hee dyd come into diner, and dyd put on hys cappe, (that tyme the sweating sycknes was in all En­glande) at the last, when the but­ter had take heate of the kendall­mans heade, it dyd begynne to run ouer hys face and aboute hys cheekes. Skelton sayde: syr, you sweate soore: beware y ^t you haue not the sweatynge sycknesse: the Kendalman sayde: by the Mysse Isewrang. I bus goe tyll bed Skelton sayd: I am skild on phi­sicke, & specially in the sweatynge sycknesse, that I wyll warant a­ny man, In gewd faith saith the Kendallman: do see, and Ise bay for your skott to London. Then sayde Skeltō: get you a kerchiefe [Page] and I wyll bryng you a bed, the which was doone, Skelton cau­sed the capp to bee sod in boat [...]ee, & dryed it: in the mornyng Skel­ton and the Kendalman dyd ride merely to London.

WHen Skelton did cum to Lō ­don ther were manye men at the table at di­ner. Amongest all other there was one sayde to Skelten: Be you of Oxforde, or of Cambridge a scoler? Skelton sayd: I am of Oxford. Syr sayde the man, I will put you a questiō [Page] you do know wel that after christ dyd rise from death to life▪ it was xl. days after ere he dyd ascend in to heauen, and hee was but cer­taine times wyth hys Discyples, and when that he did appeare to them, hee dyd neuer tary longe amongest them, but sodainely va­nished from them, I wold fayne know (saith the man to Skelton) where Chryste was all these .xl. dayes. Where hee was, saythe Skelton, God knoweth, hee was verye [...]us [...]e in the woods among hys labourers that dyd make fa­gottes to burne heretickes, & such as thou art the whych doest aske such diffuse questions: but nowe I wyll tell thee more: when hee was not with hys mother & hys Disciples, hee was in Paradyce, to comforte the holye Patriarkes [Page] and Prophets soules, the which before he had fet out of Hell. And at the daye of hys Ascencion, hee tooke them all vp wyth him into heauen.

SKelton when he was in London, went to the Kynges Courte, where there did come to hym a Welshman, saying: Syr, it is so, that manye dooth come vpp of my country to the K [...]ngs Court, and some doth get of the King by Patent, a Ca­stell, and some a Parke, & some a Forest, & some one Fee, and some [Page] another, and they dooe lyue lyke honest men, and I shoulde lyue as honestly as the best if I myght haue a Pasyne for good dryncke: Wherefore I dooe praye you to write a [...]ewe woords for mee in a lytle Byll to geue the same to the Kynges handes, and I wil geue you well for your laboure: I am contented▪ sayde Skelton. Syt downe then sayde the welshman and write. What shall I wryte sayde Skelton? The Welshman sayde, wryte: Drynke. Nowe sayd the Welshman wryte, more Drynke. What now sayde Skel­ton? Wryte nowe: a great deale of drinke. Nowe sayd the Welsh­man: Putte to all thys Drynke: A littell crome of Breade, and a great deale of Drynke to it, and reade once agayne. Skelton dyd [Page] reade: Drynke: more Drynke: & a great denie of Drynke: And a lytle crome of breade: and a great deale of Drynke to it. Then the Welsheman sayde: Put out the litle crome of Breade, and sert in: all Drynke, and no breade. And if I myght haue thys Sygned of the Kynge, sayde the Welshman, I care for no more as longe as I dooe lyue [...] Well then, sayde Skelton, when you haue thys Signed of the Kyng, then wyll I labour for a patent to haue bread that you wyth your Drynke, and I with the Bread may fare well, and seeke our liuinge with bagge and staffe.

[Page] THere was dwellīg in Oxford a stark knaue, whose name was Swanborn, & he was such a notable knaue, that if any scoler had fallē out thone wyth thother: the one woulde call thother Swanborn, the whyche they dyd take for a worser woorde then knaue: Hys wife woulde diuers tymes in the weeke kimbe his head with a .iii. footed stoole: Then hee woulde runne out of the doores wepinge, and if anye man had asked hym what he dyd aile, other whyle he woulde saye hee had the megrym in hys head, or ells, there was a great smoke wythin the house, & if the doores were shut, hys wyfe woulde beate him vnder the bed, or into the bench hole, & then he woulde looke out at the cat hole, [Page] then woulde his wife saye, lookest thou out whoreso [...]: yea, woulde he saye, thou shalt neuer let me of my manly lookes: then with her distaff she would poore in at hym. I kn [...]w him when that he was a boye in Oxforde, hee was a littell olde fellowe, and woulde lye, as fast as a horse woulde tro [...]te. At last hee dyed and was buried vn­der the wall of s. Peters church,

Then Skelton was desyred to make an Epitaphe vppon the Churche wall, & dyd wryte wyth a role, saying: Belsabub his soule saue, qui iacet hic [...]ee a Knaue, iamsci, mortuus est, et iacet hic he [...] a Beast, Sepui tus est amonge the weedes: God forgiue him his misdeedes.

[Page] SKelton dyd keepe a Musket at Dys, vp­on the which he was complayned [...]n to the Bishop of Norwye [...]. The Byshoppe sent for Skelton. Skeltō dyd take two Capo [...]s: to geue theym for a presente to the Byshop. And as soone as hee had saluted the Byshopp, hee sayde: My Lorde, here I haue brought you a couple of Capons. The Byshop was blynde, and sayde: Who bee you. I am Skelton sayd Skelton. The Byshop sayd: A hoare head, I will none of thy Capons: Thou keepest vnhap­pye rule in thy house, for the why­che thou shalt be punished.

What, sayde Skelton: Is the winde at that doore? And sayd: God be with you my Lorde: and [Page] Skelton with his Capons went hys way. The Byshop sent after Skelton to come agayne, Skel­ton sayde. What shal I I come a­gayne to speake wythe a madde man. At last hee retourned to the Byshop, whyche sayde to hym: I would, sayd the Byshop, that you shoulde not lyue suche a sclaunde­rouse lyfe, that all your parisshe shoulde not wonder & complaine on you as they dooe, I pray you amende, and here af [...]er lyue ho­nestlye, that I heare no more suche woordes of you: And if you wyll tarye dynner, you shall be welcome: and I thanke you sayde the Byshoppe for your Ca­pons. Skelton sayde: My Lord My Capons haue proper Na­mes: The one is named Alpha, the other is named Omega. [Page] My Lorde, sayd Skelton: This Capon is named Alpha, thys is the fyrst Capon that I dyd euer geue to you. And this Capon is named Omega, and this is the last capō that euer I w [...]l giue you & so fare you weil, sayd Skelton.

SKelton the nexte Sondaye after wente in to the pulpet to prech▪ and sayde: v [...]s estis v [...]s estis, that is to saye: You be [...] you be. And what [...]e you, sayd Skelton: I saye, that you bee a sorte of knaues, yea, and a man might saye, worse then knaues. [Page] And why, I shall shew you: you haue complayned of mee to the Byshop that I doo keepe a fayre wench in my house. I dooe tell you: If you had any fayre wiues it were some what to helpe me at neede. I am a mā as you be: you haue foule wyues, and I haue a faire wenche, of the whyche, I haue begotten a fayre Boye, as I doe thinke, and as you all shall see: Thou wyfe, sayde Skelton, that hast my childe be not afraid bring me hither my childe to me: the whyche was doone. And he shewynge his childe naked to all the Parishe, sayde: How saye you neibours all: is not this child as fayre as is the beste of all yours? It hathe nose, eyes, handes and feete as well as any of your, It is not lyke a Pygge, nor a ealfe, [Page] nor like no soule, nor no monstru­ous Beast. If I had, sayde Skel­ton, broughte forthe thys chylde without armes or legges: or that it wer deformed being a monstru­ous thyng, I woulde neuer haue blamed you to haue complayned to the bishop of me, but to cōplain without a cause. I say as I said before in my Antethem. vos estis. You be, and haue be, & wyll and shall be knaues to complayne of me wythout a cause resonable. For you be presumptuous, & dooe exalte your selues, and therefore you shall be made low: as I shall shewe you a famylier example of a Parish Priest, the whiche dyd make a sermon in Rome. And he dyd take that for hys antethem the which of late dayes is named a Theme, and sayde: Quescexaltat humilabitui, et quese humiliat exaltabitur, [Page] that is to say: he that doth exalte him selfe or dothe extoll hym selfe shalbe made meke, & he that doth hūble hym selfe or [...]s meke, shalbe exalted, extoulled or, eleuated, or sublimated or, such lyke, and that I will shewe you by this my cap: This cappe was fyrste my [...]oode, when that I was Studente in Iucalico, & then it was so proude that it woulde not bee contented but it woulde slippe and fall from my shoulders. I perceyuynge thys that he was proude, what then dyd I, shortly to conclude: I dyd make of hym, a payre of Breches to my hose, to brynge hym lowe. And when that I dyd see, knowe or perceyue that he was in that case, and all moste worne cleane oute: what dyd I then to extoll hym vppe agayne, [Page] You all may see that this my cap was made of it that was my bre­ches. Therefore sayde Skelton: vos estis: Therfore you [...]ce as I dyd saye before: if t [...]at you exalte your selfe, and cannot be c [...]nten­ted that I haue my we [...]che still, some of you stall weare hor­nes: and therfore vos estis, and so farewell: It is merye in the hall, when beardes wagge all.

THere was a Fry [...]t y ^e whych dydde come to S [...]elton to haue licence to preach at Dys: What woulde you preache there sayde Skelton: Dooe not you thynke, that I am sufficiente to [Page] preach there in myne owne euer? Syr sayde the Freere: I am the Limyter of Norwyth, and once a yeare one of our place dothe vse to preache wyth you, to take the deuocion of the people, and if I may haue your good wil so bee it, or els I will come and preach a­gainst your will, by the authori­tie of the Byshope of Rome, for I haue hys Bu [...]les to preache in e­uerye place, and therfore I wyll be there on Sundaye next [...] cum­myng. Came not there Freere I dooe counsel thee, sayd Skelton The Sundaye nexte followynge Skelton layde watch for the co­mynge of the Frere: And as sone as Skelton had knowledge of the Freere, he went into the Pul­pet to preache. At last, the Freere dyd come into the Churche with [Page] the Bishoppe of Romes Bulles in hys hande. Skelton then sayd to all hys Parishe: See, see see, and poynted to thee Fryere, All the parish gased on the frere. Then sayde Skelton: Maisters here is as wonderfull a thynge, as euer was seene: you all dooe knowe, that it is a thynge daylye seene: a Bulle dothe begette a Calfe, but here contrarye to all nature: a Calfe hathe gotten a Bulle: for thys Fryere b [...]eynge a Calfe, hath gotten a Bul [...]e of the Byshoppe of Rome. [...]he Fryere b [...]ynge ashamed, woulde neuer after that time presume to preach at Dys.

[Page] AS Skeltō ryd into y ^e countre There was a Frere that ha­pened in at an ale house wher as Skelton was lodged and there the F [...]re dyd desire to haue lodgyng. The [...] sayd: syr. I haue but one be [...] where as master Skelton doth lye▪ syr sayd the f [...]re. I pray you that I maye lye with you. Skeltō said [...]ester Frere. I doo vse to haue no man to lye with me. Sir sayd the frere I haue lyne wyth as good men as you and for my money, I doo looke to haue lodgynge as well as you. Well, sayde Skelton, I dooe see than that you wyll lye with me. Yea syr sayd the Frere. [Page] Skelton did fill all the cuppes in the house and whitled the Frere, that at the last, the Frere was in myne cames peason. Then sayde Skelton mayster Freere, get you to bed, and I wyll come to bed within a while, The Frere went and dyd lye vpright▪ and snorted lyke a sowe. Skelton wente to the chaumber, and dyd see that the Freere did lye soe, sayd to the wyfe: Geue me a washyng be [...]le. Skelton then caste downe the clothes, and the Freere dyd lye starke naked: then Skelton dyd shite vpon the Freres Nauil and bellye. And then he did take the washyng betle, and dyd strike an harde stroke vppon the Nauill & bellye of the Freere, and dyd put out the candell, and went out of the chaumber: the Freere felt hys [Page] bellye, & smelt a foule sauour, had thought hee had ben gored, and cried out and sayde: helpe, helpe, helpe, I am kylled. They of the house with Skelton wente in to the chaumber and asked what the Freere dyd ayle. The Freere sayde: I am kylled, one hathe thrust me in the bellye. Fo, sayde Skelton: thou dronken soule, thou doost lye, thou haste be shyt­ten thy selfe. Fo, sayde Skelton let vs goe oute of the chaumber for the knaue doothe stynke. The Freere was a shamed, and cryed for water. Out with the whore­son, sayd Skelton, and wrap the sheetes togyther, and putte the Freere in the hogge stye, or in the Barne, The Freere said, geue me some water into the Barne, and there the Freere dyd wasshe him [Page] selfe, and dydde lye there all the nyght longe▪ The chaumber and the bedde was dressed, and the sheetes shyfted, and then Skel­ton went to bed.

THomas Wolsey Car­dynall & Archbyshop of Yorke, had made a regall Tombe to lye in after hee was deade. And be desyred Master Skelton to make for his Tombe an Epytaphe, whyche is a me­moriall to shewe the lyfe with the Actes of a Noble man. Skelton sayde: If it dooe lyke your grace I canne not make an Epytaphe [Page] vnlesse that I do se your Tombe. The Cardynall sayde: I dooe praye you to meete wyth mee tomorowe at the w [...]st Monest [...]ye and there shall [...]ou se tombe: A makynge, the point [...]ent kept And Skelton, Seyng the sump­tuous coste, more pertayning for an Emperoure or a Maxymy­ous Kynge, then for suche a man as he was (although Cardynals wyll compare wyth Kyngs) w [...]ll sayd Skelton: If it shall like you [...] grate to creepe into thys [...]ombe whiles you be a lyue. I can make an Epitaphe: for I am sure that whe [...] that you be dead, you shall neuer haue it. The whyche was verifyed of truthe.

SKelton vsed muche to ryde on a mare. And on a tyme hee happened into an Inne, wher there was a fo­lish Ostler. Skelton said: Ostler hast thou any Mares bread. No syr, sayd the Ostler. I haue good horsebread, but I haue no mares bread. Skelton saide: I must ha­ue Mares bread. Syr sayde the Ostler. There is no Mares bred to get in all the towne, Well, sayd Skelton, for this once, serue my Mare wyth Horse bread. In the meane time Skelton cōmaunded the Ostler to sadle his Mare, & [Page] and the Hosteler dyd gyrde th [...] Mare hard, and the Hostler was in hys Ierkyn, and hys shirte sle­ues we [...] aboue his elbowes, and in the girding of the Mare hard the Mare bitte the Hostler by the arme, and bitte him sore. The Hostler was angry, and dyd bite the Mare vnder the tayle saying a whore, is it good by [...]ing by the bare arme. Skelton sayde thene Why fellowe haste thou hurt my Mare? Yea sayde the Hostler, [...]a [...]ka thee. Yf she dooe hurte me, I wyll displease her.

[Page] IN the Parysshe of Dys where as skelton was Person, there dwe [...]ed a cob­ler, beyng halfe a souter, which was a tall man and a greate slo­uen, otherwyse named a slouche, The Kynges Maiestye hauynge Warres byyonde the sea. Skel­ton sayd to thys a forsayd dough­tie man. Neybour, you be a tall man, and in the Kynges warres you must bere a standard. A stan­derd, said the cobler, what a thīg is that. Skeltō saide: it is a great banner, suche a one as thou dooest vse to beare in Rogacyon werke, and a Lordes, or a Knyghtes, or a gentle mannes armes shall bee vpon it, and the Souldiers that [Page] be vnder the afore sayde persons fayghtynge vnder thy Banner: fayghtynge, sayde the Cobbeler: I can no skil in faighting: no said Skelton, thou shalte not fayght, but holde vp, and aduaunce the bāner. By my fay, sayd the cobler, I can no skill in the matter, Well sayd Skeltō there is no reamedie but thou shalte forthe to dooe the Kynges seruice in hys Warres, for in all this Countrey theare is not a more likelier manne to dooe suche as feate as thou arte. Syr sayde the Cobbeler: I wyll geue you a fatte Capon, that I maye bee at home. No, sayde Skelton, I wyll not haue none of thy Capons: For thou shalte doe the Kyng seruice in his wars. [Page] Why, sayd the cobler what shuld I doo, wyll you haue me to goe in the Kynges warres and to bee killed for my labour? then I shall be well at ease, for I shall haue my mendes in my nown hands. What knaue, sayd Skelton, art thou a cowarde, hauyng so great Bones? No sayde the Cobler. I am not a fearde: it is good to flepe in a whole skinne. Why said Skelton: thou shalte bee harnes­sed to keepe away the strokes frō thy skynne. By my fay, sayde the Cobler, if I must needes forthe, I will see howe yche shall bee or­dered. Skelton dyd harnesse the doughtye Squirell, and dyd put an helmet on his head, and whē the helmet was on the Coblers heade, the Cobler sayde, What shall those hoales serue for. [Page] Skelton saydeholes to looke out to see thy enemyes, yea, sayde the Cobler, then am I in worser case then euer I was: for then one may come and thrust a nayle into one of the holes and prycke out myne eye. Therfore, said the Cobler to Master Skelton: I wyll not goe to Warre: my wyfe shall goe in my steade, for she can fyghte and playe the deuill wyth her distaffe, and with stole, staffe coppe, or candlesticke: for vp my fay I cham sicke, I chill go home to bed, I thinke I shall dye.

[Page] WHen Maister Skelton dyd dwell in the countrey, hee was a greede with a Miller to haue hys corne grounde, tolle free and manye tymes when hys mayden shoulde bake, they wan­ted of their mele, and complained to their Mystres that they could not make their [...]int of breade. Mystres Skelton beeynge verye angrye, to de her husbande of it: Then Master, Skelton sent for his Miller and asked hym howe it chansed that hee deceyued hym of his corne: I saide Iohn miller, nay surely I neuer deceyued you, if that you can proue that by mee do with mee as you lyfte, surely sayd Skelton if I doe fynde thee [Page] false anye more, thou shal [...] he hanged vp by the necke. So Skelton apoynted one of hys seruantes [...]o stand at the mill whyle the corne was a grindyng, Iohn myller beyng a notable theese, would fo [...]n haue deceued him as he had dou before, but beyng afrayd of Skel­tons seruaunte, caused his wyfe to put one of her chyldren into y ^e Myll dam: and to crye help help, my childe is drowned, with that Iohn Myller and all went out of the Myll, & Skeltons seruaunte being dilygent to helpe the chylde thought not of the meale, and the while the myllers boye was redy wyth a sacke and stole awaye the corne, so when they had taken vp the childe and all was safe, they came in agayne: & so the seruaunt hauynge hys gry [...]te, went home [Page] mistrustyng nothynge, and when the maydes came to bake againe, as they dyd before so they lacked of theyr meale agayne. Master Skelton colde for hys man▪ and asked him howe it chaunced that he was deceaued, & hee sayd that hee coulde not tell, for I dyd your commaundement. And then Master Skelton sent for the Myller, and sayde, thou hast not vsed mee well for I want of my mele▪ why what wold you haue me do sayde the miller, you haue set your own man to watche mee. Well then sayd Skeltō, if thou doest not tell me whych waye thou hast played the theefe wyth mee, thou shalt be hanged. I praye you be good master vnto me, & I wyll tell you the trutthe: your seruaunt wold not from my myll, & when I sawe [Page] none other remedye I caused my wyfe to put one of my chyldren in to the water, & to crie that it was drowned: and vo [...]les wee were helpyng of the chylde out, one of my boyes dyd steale your corne. Yea, sayde Skelton: if thou haue suche pretie fetchis, you can dooe more than thys. And therfore, if thou dooeste not one thynge that I shall tell thee. I wyll folow the lawe on thee. What is that▪ sayd the Myller: If that thou dooest not steale my cuppe of the table, when I am sette at meate, thou shalt not eskape my handes. O good Master, sayd Iohn Miller, I pray you forgeue me, and let me not dooe thys, I am not able to dooe it. Thou shalt neuer be for­geuen, sayde Skelton, withoute thou dooest it. When the Miller [Page] saw no remedye, he went & char­ged one of hys boyes, in an eue­nyng (when that Skeltō was at supper) to sette fyre in one of hys bogges [...]ies, farre frō any house, for doyng any harme.

And it chaunced, that one of Skeltons seruauntes came oute, and spied the fire, and hee cryede: helpe, helpe: for all that my ma­ster hath, is lyke to be burnt. Hys master hearīg this, rose from hys supper with all the cōpanie, and went to quenche the fyre. And the while Iohn Miller came in: and stole away hys cuppe, & went hys way. The fire being quickly slaked, Skelton cam in with his frendes, and reasoned wyth hys frendes which way they thought the fyre shoulde come, and euerye mā made answer as thei thought [Page] good. And as they wer resonyng Skelton called for a cup of beare, and in no wise his cuppe whyche bee vsed to drynke in, woulde not be founde, Skeleon was ve­rye angrie that his cup was mys­ynge, and asked whiche waye it shoulde bee gone. And no manne coulde tell hym of it. At last he be thought him of the Miller, & sayd surely, he, that theefe hath done this deede, and he is worthye to be hauged. And hee sent for the Miller: so the Miller tolde hym all howe hee had done. Truely sayd Skelton, thou art a not able knaue. And withoute thou causte do me one other seate, thou shalte dye. O good Master, sayde the Miller, you promised to pardon me, and wil you now breake your promise? I sayd Skelton, wyth­out [Page] thou canste steale the sheetes of my bed, when my wyfe and I am a slepe, ther: shalte [...]e hanged that all so [...]he knaues shall take ensample by thee. Alas, sayd the Miller, whych waye shall I dooe this thinge, it is vnpossible for me to get theym while you bee there. Well, sayde Skelton, with oute thou dooe it, thou knowest the daunger. The Myller went hys way, beyng very heauy, & studyed whiche waye he myght doo thys deede, He hauynge a little boye. Whyche knewe all the corners of Skeltons house, & where hee lay. Upon a night whē they were all busie, the boie crepte in vnder his bed, wyth a potte of yeste, and when Skelton & hys wyfe were fast a slepe, hee all to noynted the sheetes with yeste, as farre as hee [Page] coulde reac [...]e. At last Skelton a­waked & felt the sheetes all wete, waked his wife and sayd: what, hast thou be shitten the bed? and she sayd naye, it is you that haue doone it, I thynke, for I am sure it is not I. And so theate fel a great strife betweene Skeltō and his wyfe thinkyng that the bedd had ben be shitten, and called for the mayde to geue them a cleane payre of shetes. And so they arose & the mayde tooke the foule shee­tes and threw them vnderneath the bed, thinkynge the nexte mor­ning to haue fetched them away. The next time the maydes shuld goe to washynge▪ they looked all about and coulde not fynde the sheetes▪ for Iacke the myllers boy had stollen them away: then the Myller was sent for agayne, to [Page] knowe where the sheetes were be come: & the Myller tolde may­ster Skelton all, how he deuised to steale the sheetes. Howe say ye, sayde Skelton to hys frendes: is not this a notable theef, is he not worthy to be hanged, that canne dooe these deedes. O good Mai­ster, quoth the Miller, nowe for geue mee acc [...]rdynge to youre, promyse, for I haue done all that you haue commaunded mee, and I trust now you wyll pardon me. Naye, quoth Skelton thou shalt doo yet one other feate, and that shall bee thys: Thou shalte steale maister Person out of hys bed, at midnight, that he shall not know where he is [...]e come, The Miller made great mone, and lamented saying: I can not tel in the world howe I shall doo, for I am neuer [Page] able to dooe this feate: well▪ sayde Skelton, thou shalt dooe it or els thou shalt fynde no fauour at my hands▪ and therfore go thy way, The Miller beyng sorye, deuysed wi [...]h hīselfe which way he might bryng this thing to passe. And .ii. or .iii. nyghtes after, gathered a number of Sna [...]es, & greed with the Sereen of the Churche, to haue the key of the Churche dore and went into the Churche be­twene the houres of a .xi. and .xii. in the night, & tooke the snayles. And lygh [...]d a sorte of little waxe candles▪ & set vppon euerie s [...]ayl [...] one, & the Snayles chepte about the Churche wyth the [...]e can­dels vpon their b [...]ches, and then he went into the [...] put a Cope vppon hys [...] & stoode very solemnely at the hye A [...]ter [Page] with a booke in hys hand, and after warde called the [...], that the Preest [...]nge in the Churche yard might heare hym▪ the priest hearyng the bell toke, starte oute of his sl [...]pe and looked out of hys windowe and sawe suche a lyght in the Church▪ was very muche amased, and thought surely that the Churche had ben on fire, and wente for to see what wonder it shoulde b [...] ▪ And when he came there he founde the Church dore open, and went vp into the quier and see the mi [...]ler standing in hys vestementes, and a booke in hys hand praying deuoutly, & all the lightes in the Church, thought surely with hym selfe it was some Angell come downe from heauen or some other great miracle, bles­sed hym selfe and sayde: In the [Page] name of the father the sonne and the holy ghoste: What arte thou that standest here in thys hollye place, O sayde the Myller: I am saynt Peter, whych kepte the Keyes of heauen gate, and thou knowest that none can enter into heauen excepte I let hym in, and I am sent oute from heauen for thee. For mee, quoth the Preest: Good saynt Peter, worship maye thou be,) I am glad to heare that newes,) Because thou hast done good deedes layd the myller, and serued God▪ [...]ee hath sent for thee afore domes day come, that thou shalt not knowe the troubles of y ^e worlde. O▪ blessed be God, sayde the Preest: I am very well con­tented for to goe: yet if it woulde please God to let me go home and distrybute such things as I haue [Page] to the poore, I woulde bee verye glad? No sayde the Miller if thou dooest delite more in thy goodes, then in the Ioyes of heauē, thou art not for God, therefore preyare thy selfe, and goe into this bagge which I haue brought for thee. The miller hauyng a great quar­ter sacke, the poore Priest wente into it, thynkyng verylye hee had gon to heauen, yet was very sory to parte from hys goodes: Asked saynt Peter how long it wold be ere he came there: the miller sayd he should be there quickly, and in he got the Priest and tied vp the sack [...], and put out the lightes, & layed euery thynge in their place, and tooke the preest on his backe & locked the church dores & to go, and when he came to go ouer the church stile, the Preest was verye [Page] heauye, and the Miller [...]as [...]e hym ouer the stile that the priest [...]yed of. O good s [...]int Peter sayde the Preeste, whyther goe I nowe, O sayde the Myller: These bee the panges that ye must adyde before y [...]n come to heauen. O [...]eth the Preest, I would I were there once. Up he got the Priest agayn & caried hym tyll hee c [...]me to the toppe of an hye hyll, a [...] from hys house, and caste hym downe the hyll that hys head had many shrewde rappes, that hys necke was almost b [...]st: O good saynt Peter said the Priest: where am I nowe: you are almost nowe at heauen, & caried hym with much a doo, tyll hee came to hys owne house, and then the miller threwe him ouer the thresholde. O good saynte Peter, sayde the Preeste: [Page] Where am I nowe, thys is the sore [...]e pange that euer I vy [...]de. O sayd that Myller: geue GOD thankes that thou haste had pa­cience to a bide all thys payne, for nowe thou art [...] goyng vppe into heauen, and tyed a rope a boute the sacke, and drewe hym vppe to the toppe of the Chymnye, and there let him hange. O good S. Peter, tell me nowe where I am sayde the Preest. Marye sayd he, thou art now in the tope of Iohn Millers chimney. A vengeaunce on thee knaue: sayde the Preeste: hast thou made me beleue al this while that I was goyng vp into heauen? Well, nowe I am here, & euer I come downe again▪ I wil make thee to repēt it: But Iohn Myller was gladd that hee had brought hym there. And in the [Page] mornyng, the Sexten rang all in to seruise, & when the people were come to Churche, the Preest was lackynge, the parish asked the sex­ten wher the Preest was, and the sexten sayd, I can not tell. Then the parrishe sent to master Skel­ton, and tolde howe their Prieste was lacking to saye them seruice. Mayster Skelton meruayled at that, and bethought hym of the [...]rafty dooyng of the Miller, sent for Iohn Myller: and when the Miller was come. Skelton sayd: to the miller: canst thou tell wher the parish Preest is▪ The Myller vp and told him all togither how he had doone. Maister Skelton considering the matter, sayde to the Miller: why thou vnreuerēt knaue, hast thou hanled the poore Preest on this fashion, and putte [Page] on the holy ornamēts vpon a knaues backe: thou shalte be hanged & it coste me all the good I haue. Iohn miller fell vppon his knees and desyred Maister Skelton to pardon hym, for I dyd nothynge sayd the miller, but that you sayd you woulde forgeue me. Nay not so, sayd Skeltō. But if thou canst steale my gelding out of my stable my two mē watching him. I will pardon thee, and if they take thee they shall strike of thy heade: For Skelton thoughte it better that such a false knaue shoulde lose hys head, thē to liue. Then Iohn mil­ler was very sad, & bethought hī how to bring it to passe. Then he remembred that ther was a man left hangyng vppon the galowes, the day before, wēt preuely in the nyght and tooke him downe, and [Page] cut of his head, and put it vpon a pole & brake a hole into the stable and put in a candle lighted: thru­styng in the head, a lytle & a lytle. The men watching the stable se­ynge that, got them selues neare to the hole (thinkinge that it was his head, & one of them with hys sworde cutte if of. Then they for gladnesse presented it vnto theyr master, leauynge the stable doore open: then Iohn Miller went in and stole away the ge [...]ding. Master Skelton lookyng vppon the head, sawe it was the theues head that was left hangyng vpō the galawes▪ sayd: alas now ofte hath this false knaue deceiued vs Go quickly to the stable agayne, for I think [...] my geldyng is gone. Hys mē goyng backe agayn foūd it euen so. Then they came agayn [Page] shewe your grace. Say on thou hore [...]ead, sayd the Cardynall to Skeltō. I pray your grace to let me lye doune and wallow, for I can kneele no longer.

SKelton did loue wel a cup of good wyne. And on a daye, he dyd make merye in a Tauerne in Londō: and the morow after hee sent to the same place againe for a quart of y ^e same wine he drunke of before, the whiche was clene chaunged & brued again. Skeltō perceiuing this, he went to the Tauerne & dyd sytte down in a chaire & dyd sygh very sore and made great lamētacion, The wife of the house perc [...]iuinge this, said to master Skeltō howe is it with you master Skeltō: he [Page] answered and said: I dyd neuer so euill, and then hee dyd reache an other greate syghe, sayinge: I am afraide that I shal neuer be sawed, nor cum to heauen, why said the wife shuld you dispaire so much in Goddes me [...]cy? Nay said he, it is past all remedye. Then said the wife: I dooe praye you breake your mind vnto mee. O sayd Skelton I would gladlye shewe you the cause of my de [...]our if that I wist that you would keepe my counsell. Sir said shee, I haue ben made of councel of greater matters then you can shew me. Naye nay said Skelton, my matter pas­seth all other matters, for I think I shal sinke to hell for my great offences: for I sent thys daye to you for Wyne to says masse with all; and wee haue a stronge lawe that euery priest is bounde to put into hys Chalice when hee doth singe or saye masse, some wyne and water: the which dothe signifye the water & bloude that dyd runne oute of Chrystes syde when Longeons the blynde knyght dyd thrust a speare to Christes harte: & thys [Page] daye I dyd put no water into my wyne, when that I did put wine into my Cha­lys. Then sayd the Uintiners wife: Be mery maister Skelton, and keepe my counsell for by my faythe I dyd put into the vessell of wyne that I did se [...] you of to day .x. gallandes of water. And ther­fore take no thought master Skeltō for I warraunt you. Then said Skelton: Dame I dooe be shrewe thee for thy la­boure, for I thought so muche before: for throughe such vses & brewyng of wyne, maye men be deceyued, and be hurte by drynkinge of suche euell wyne: For all wines must be strong and fayre and well coloured: It must haue a re­dolent sauoure: It must be col [...]e and sprinkclynge in the peece or in the glasse.