The Anatomy of a distressed conscience: Containing the discouery of spirituall assaults with the particular remedies thereof, in Dialogue-wise betwixt the Lord and the Soule.
WHy art thou angry; & thy countenance cast downe, if thou Gen. 4. 6 7 doest wel, shalt thou not be accepted, and if thou doest Iam. 5. 9 euill sin lyeth at the doore, [Page 2] and the Iudge standeth before the dore.
I haue been like a Horse or like a Mule (alas) which Psa. 32 9 vnderstandeth not, and am made like vnto beasts that perish. I haue wallowed in my owne vomit, in the vanity of my mind haue I euer Ier. 38. 26 walked, hauing my cogitations darkned, being a stranger from the life of God▪ through the ignorance that Eph. 4. 17 is in me, because of the hardnesse of my heart: yet somtime Tit. 1. 16 I doe professe, I did knowe God, but by my workes I deny him, and am Ier. 28. 12 abnominable and disobedient, and vnto euery good [Page 3] worke a reprobate: I haue walked after my owne imaginations, and after the stubbornesse of my wicked heart, I haue despised the Ro. 2. 4. 5 riches of thy bountifulnsse and patience and long suffering, not knowing that thy bountifulnesse leadeth mee to repentance, but after my hardnesse of heart that cannot repent, haue heaped vppe vnto my selfe wrath against the day of wrath, and of the declaration of the iust iudgement of God, thus haue I liued in pleasure on the earth and in wantonnes, and haue nourished Iam. 5. 5 my heart as in a day of slaughter, and what shall now become of mee.
Thou hast cause poore soule to bemoane thy selfe, Iob 11. 20 for the eyes of the wicked shall faile, and their refuge shall perish, and their hope shall be sorrowe of minde, his owne counsell shall cast Iob 18. 7 him downe, his reioycing is but short and the ioy of an hypocrite is but a moment, Iob 20. 5 for the wickeds light shall be taken away, they are snared in the worke of their owne hands, thus I will try the righteous, but the wicked Iob 38. 15 and him that loueth iniquity, doth my soule hate, Psa. 9. 16 for I the righteous Lord loue righteousnesse, and my countenance beholdeth the [Page 5] iust man, many sorrowes Ps. 11. 5. 7 shall come to the wicked, but thou (wretched soule) call vnto mee and I will answere, Psa. 32. 10 and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not, I will instruct thee and teach thee Ier. 33 3 in the way that thou shalt goe, and I will guide thee with my eye.
Can the blacke Moore change his skin, or the Leopard his spots, then may I also doe good that is accustomed Ier. 13. 23 to doe euill, I did say alas it was not yet time that the Lords house should Hag. 1. 2 be builded in mee, but did put farre away the euill day, [Page 6] and approached to the seate of iniquity, as the smoake Iam. 6. 3 vanisheth so driuest thou sinners away, as waxe melteth Psa. 68. 2 before the fire so shall the wicked perish at the presence of God, how shold I then lift vp my horne on high, or speake with a stifnecke, for thou art iudge, and in thy hand is a cuppe and the wine is red, it is full of fury mixed, and thou pourest out of the same, Psa. 15. 8 surely all the wicked of the earth shall wring out and drinke the dregges thereof: thus the way of the wicked is as the darknesse, they knowe not wherein they Pro. 4. 19 shall fall, their owne iniquities shall take the wicked themselues, and they shall [Page 7] be holden with the cords Pro. 5. 22 of their owne sinne, woe be vnto the vngodly therefore, which haue forsaken the lawe of the most high, for Eccl. 4. 1 8. 9. 10 though they increase yet shall they perish, if they be borne, they shall be borne to cursing, and if they die the curse shall be their portion; so shall they goe from the curse to destruction, for the soule that sinneth it shal die the death.
I will not giue the soule Ezek. 18 of my turtle doue vnto the beast, what is thy sin written Psa. 14 19 with a pen of iron and with the poynt of a Diamond, and so grauen vpon [Page 8] the table of thy heart, wilt Ier. 17. 1 thou not giue thy minde to turne vnto mee thy God, is the spirit of fornication in Hos. 5. 4 the middle of thee, and wilt thou not knowe mee thy Ier. 13. 27 Lord? wilt thou not poore soule be made cleane? when shall it once be? I will answer Zach. 13. thee with good words and comfortable wordes, arise my loue, my faire one and come thy way, for beholde the winter is past, the raine is ouer and gone, the flowers appear on the earth, the time of the singing of birds is com, and the noyse of the turtle is heard in our land; arise my loue my faire Can. 2. 10 11. 12 one and come away, withdrawe not thy heart from mee, let me be thy hope in [Page 9] the day of aduersity, I create Ier. 18. 5 the fruite of thy lips to be peace as well to him that is farre off, as to him that is neere. As I liue I desire not the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turne from his way and liue, turne thee Ier. 33. 11 turne from thy euill waies, why wilt thou die (silly soule) I am patient towards thee, and would that all men should bee saued and 2. Pet 3. 9. none perish, but would all men should come to repentance, and to the knowledge of the truth, yea and more aboundantly to shew the stablenesse of my counsell, I haue thus bound my selfe by an oath, that by two immutable things, wherein it is impossible that I should [Page 10] lie, thou mightest haue a strong consolation▪ who hast fled for refuge to lay Heb. 6. 17 18. holde vpon the hope set before ihee.
I am empty, & void, and waste, & the heart melteth, and the knees smite together, and sorrowe is in my loynes, and my face gathers Na. 2. 10 blacknesse, for that which is crooked can none make straight, and that which is wanting cannot bee numbred, Eccl. 1. 15 woe vnto me miserable soule, for I haue rewarded euill vnto my selfe. It is the vengeance of the Lord, thou wilt take vengeance Esay 3. 9 vpon mee, as I haue done, [Page 11] thou wilt doe vnto mee, Ier. 50. 15 thou art a consuming fire & a iealous God, can my heart Deut. 4. 24 endure, or can my hands be strong in the day that thou shalt haue ro doe with mee, thy tempest goeth forth in thy wrath, and a violent Ier. 23. 19 20 whirle-wind shall fall down vpon the head of rhe wicked, thy anger shall not reaurne vntill thou hast exeted and untill thou hast performed the thought of thy heart, in the latter dayes I will vnderstand it plainely, I am but as foame vpon the water, I haue plowed wickednesse and reaped iniquitie, Hos▪ 10. 7 15. and eaten the fruits of lies, I haue trusted in mine owne waies, in seruing sinne and liuing according to the [Page 12] flesh, and must die for I cannot Ioh. 8. 34 please thee. Rom. 8 13
Blessed is he whose wickednesse Psa. 32. 1. 2 is forgiuen, and whose sinne is couered: Blessed is the man vnto whom I impute no iniquity and in whose spirit there is no guile, If any man say he 1. Iohn. 18 hath no sinne, he deceiueth himselfe and there is no truth in him, If thou acknowledge thy sinnes, I am iust and faithfull to forgiue thee thy sinnes, and cleanse thee from all vnrighteousnesse, Gen. 3 If thou say thou hast no sinne, thou makest mee a lyer, thou maiest see Adams Gen. 9 fall and feele it in thee, Noahs [Page 13] drunkennesse, Lots incest, Gen. 12 Abrahams double deniall Gen. 20 of his wife, Rebecca her Gen. 27 lie and deceit, Iacobs lie, Simeon Gen. 34 Gen. 37 and Leuie's murder, Exod. 2 Rachels theft, the whole Patriarches bloody deuise against Num. 20 their brother, Moses slaughter, Moses & Aarons 2. Sam. 11 murmuring, Dauids murther and adultery, Salomons 1. Kin. 11 idolatry, and finally, Mathew a publican, all the Mat. 20 Apostles ambitious, Magdalen a notorious sinner, Luk. 19 Zacheus an oppressor & extortioner, the Theefe on the Crosse a notorious malefactor, Peter a denier, Thomas Ioh. 18 Act. 9 a doubter, Paul a persecuter of Christ. But to this purpose appeared the Sonne of God, that he might loose [Page 14] the workes of the diuell: Ioh. 3. 8 for surely there is none iust in the earth that doth good and sinneth not, for who can say, I haue made my heart cleare, I am cleane from my sinne, all like sheep Eccl. 7. 22 haue gone astray, euery one hath turned to his owne way, yet I haue laide vpon my Sonne the iniquity of you all: For the trangression Pro. 29 of my people was hee plagued, though hee had done no wickednesse, neither was any deceit in his Esa. 53. 7. 8. 9 mouth, hee was counted with the trespassers, and he bare the sinne of many and prayed for the trangressors: there is none good but I, when thou hast done all is Mark. 10 commanded thee, yet art [Page 15] thou an vnprofitable seruant, thou hast but done Luk. 17. xo that which was thy duty to doe: now then there is no difference betwixt thee and others, for all haue sinned, and are depriued of the glorie Rom. 3. 23 24 of God: and are iustified freely by grace, thorough the redemption, that is, in Christ Iesus my Son, whom I haue set forth to be a reconciliation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousnesse by the forgiuenesse of thy sins, that are passed through the patience of God; hast thou laid vp these things in thy poore soule.
The heauen (alas) doth [Page 16] declare my wickednesse & the earth doth rise vppe against Iob. 20. 27 mee, great is thy goodnesse which thou hast Psa. 31. 19 laide vp for them that feare thee, and done to them that trust in thee; but sinners are Esa. 33. 12 13. affraid, a feare doth come vpon hypocrites, who can dwell with the deuouring fire? Who shall dwell with euerlasting burningss? wee conceiue chaffe, and bring forth stubble, our breath as fire shall deuoure vs, and we shall be as the burnings of lime, as thornes cut vp Eecl. 8. 8 shall they bee burnt in the fire, for wickednesse shall Wis. 5. 17 20. not deliuer the possessor thereof; thou armest thy creatures to be reuenged of thy enemies, and the world [Page 17] shall fight with thee against the vniust, which haue kindled a fire in thy wrath Ier. 37. 4 which shall burne for euer, thou art wise in heart O Lord, & mighty in strength, Iob. 9. 4 who hath beene fierce against thee and prospered? who shall stand in thy sight Psa. 76. 7 when thou art angry? alas, my silthinesse shall bee discouered, and my shame shal bee seene.
I will goe and returne to my place till thou acknowledge thy offences, and seek Hos. 5. 15 my face in thy affliction, if thou wilt seeke mee earely, feare not, thou shalt not be ashamed, neither shalt thou [Page 18] be confounded, for thy maker is thy husband, the Esa. 54. Lord of hoasts is his name, and thy Redeemer the holy 5 one of Israel: the God of the whole earth am I called, 6 for I haue called thee being as a woman forsaken and 7 grieued in spirit, and a wife 8 of youth when thou wast refused, saith thy God, for 9 a small moment haue I forsaken thee, but with great 10 mercies will I gather thee: In a little wrath, I hid my face frō thee for a moment, but with euerlasting kindnesse will I haue mercy on thee, saith the Lord, thy Redeemer: For this is as the waters of Noah vnto mee, for as I haue sworn that the waters of Noah shall no [Page 19] more goe ouer the earth, so haue I sworne that I would not bee wroth with thee nor rebuke thee, for the mountaines shall depart and the hills be remooued, but my kindnesse shall not depart from thee, neither shall the couenant of my peace be remoued, saith the Lord, that hath mercy vpon thee, this is the heritage of ver. 17. my seruants, and their righteousnesse is of me, saith the Lord, nowe then encline thine eares and come vnto mee, heare & thy soule shall liue, and I will make an euerlasting couenant with thee, euen the sure mercies of Dauid, behold I haue giuen him for a witnesse to the people, and for a leader [Page 20] and commander to them, therefore goe thou out with Esa. 55. 3 ioy, and be lead forth with 12 peace, the mountaines and hills shall breake forth before 13 thee in singing, and all the trees of the fielde shall clap their hands, it shall bee to mee for a name, and for an euerlasting signe that shall not be cut off.
I confesse thy saluation shall bee for euer, and thy righteounesse shall not bee Esa. 51. 6 abolished, though I saide in my haste, I am cast out of thy sight, yet thou heardest Psa. 31. 22 the noyse of my prayer whē I cryed vnto thee, and am fully assured that thou [Page 21] which hast promised, art also Rom. 4. 21 able to doe it.
Thou doest well (beloued soule) to acknowledge thy sin, to deale with them as thou hast done, and as a iudge doth with malefactors, to apprehend, raigne, and condemne them, for he that hideth his sinnes shall not prosper, but hee that Pro. 28. 13 confesseth and forsaketh them shall haue mercy, for as thou hast declamed against thy sinnes, so haue the Saints before thee, for they acknowledged their Psa. 32. 5 sinne vnto mee, neither did Psa. 51 hide their iniquity: for they [Page 22] thought they would confesse against thēselues their sinnes vnto mee, and I forgaue the punishment of their sinnes, and so also my Neh. 9. 33 34. seruant said vnto mee, surely thou art iust in all that is come vpon vs, for thou hast dealt truely, but wee haue dealt wickedly. So did another protest against himselfe Dan. 9. 5. and his people, wee sinned and haue committed iniquity, & haue done wickedly, yea haue rebelled & haue departed from thy precepts and from thy iudgements: Vncouer thou thy sinne and I will couer it, declare thou it and I will heare thee, in the worlde confession is confusion, but with mee it is farre otherwise, [Page 23] for if thou acknowledge thy sinnes, I am faithfull and iust to forgiue thee all thy finnes, and to cleanse thee from all vnrighteousnesse, and truly deare soule, it is of my grace begun in thee, that thou breakest out in confession of them, willingly opening them and stripping them naked before my Maiesty, for he that is penitent before mee and my Angels (with whom there is greater ioy in heauen Luk. 15 for one that repenteth, then for ninty and nine that need not repentance) I will not sticke to confesse before the face of men: It is not of nature, for Adam whilst Gen. 3 I pushed his conscience, couered himselfe with figge [Page 24] leaues, I send a noyse and voyce, hee betooke him to the thicke wood, and last I vrged him with questions, yet hee shifted off his sinne to Euah, and this confession that the sight of misery and feare of punishment haue taken out of thee, is a heauenly preparatiue to a greater measure of my grace to be wrought in thee.
If one man sinne against another, the Iudge shall iudge it, but if a man sinne 2. Sa. 2. 25 against thee O Lord, who will pleade for him? yea he must be swallowed vp with 2. Cor. 2. 7 heauinesse: If wee say wee haue a couenant with death [Page 25] or with hell & are at agreement, though a scourge run ouer and passe through, it shall not come at vs; for wee haue made falshoode our refuge, and vnder vanity are wee hid: O but how innumerable haue beene punished for their trespasses, euen here in this worlde: Adam cast out of paradise, Exod. 32 the world destroyed by water, Sodome and Gomorrah by fire, Pharaoh by the Sea, Amaleck rooted out, 3 thousand killed for the worship of the golden Calfe, Nadab Num. 10 and Abihu burnt with fire, Myriam stricken with leaprosie, for incredulity three hundred thousand beside Num. 12 young ones and seruants that came out of Egypt (except [Page 26] Ioshuah and Caleb) fell in the wildernesse, Corath Num. 16 & Dathan swallowed quick into the earth, Moses and Num. 20 Aaron excluded the Land Num. 25. for murmuring, the Princes of the people hanged, Achan stoned, the tribe of Iud. 19. 20 Beniamim ouerthrowen for the Leuites wife, Eli for not 1. Sam. 15 correcting his children, Saul for sacrificing, and after him 2. Kin. 11 all his house punished. What shall I say of those that died of the pestilence in Dauids dayes, the disobedient 2. Sam. 24 1. Kin. 13 Prophet rent by the Lion, the forty children by the bores, for mocking Elizeus, 1. King. 2 of Geetze, or Hosiah the King, willing to burne incense, 2. Chro. 26 with many more, as Ananias and Saphyra, Elimas [Page 27] the sorcerer, Iudas and Theudas and some of them for very meane sinnes to the iudgement of men, yea and the Galileans, whose sacrifice Pilate mixed with their blood, and the builders of the Tower of Shiloh which fell vpon them, which were not the greatest sinners, and vnlesse I repent I shall also be punished; Saue mee O Lord, and take the glory thereof to thy selfe, for, for not giuing it thee, Herod Act. 12 was consumed of wormes, thus thou doest lay the wickeds way vpon their owne Ezek. 11. 21 heads.
The cause of all terrours [Page 28] and troubles in thy minde, are thy sins: I see and thou knowest it, for they doe infect thy minde and conscience with their guilt, from which guiltinesse proceedeth a fearfull expectation of these punishments thou hast spoken of, to the which thou perceiuest thou art iustly liable, neither canst thou be freed from this guiltinesse and fearefull pangs, vntill thou (thy sinnes beeing done away) be reconciled to me: for then, and not before, shalt thou haue peace of conscience, boldnesse and confidence, when thou art assured that I loue thee, and thou mee, and so canst rest on my promises and prouidence, for there [Page 29] is no feare in loue, but perfect Ioh. 4. 8 loue casteth out feare, for feare hath painefulnesse, and hee that feareth is not perfect in loue: the wicked flye when none pursueth, Pro. 28. 1 but the righteous are bolde as a Lion, and thouh thou shouldest walke through Psa. 32. 4 the valley of the shadow of death, thou wouldest feare no euill, because I am with thee, and with my rod and staffe comfort thee: So being iustified, and assured once of my loue, thou maist be fully perswaded, that nothing is able to seperate Rom. 8. 39 thee from my loue, which is in Christ Iesus; where innocency is, there is security, Rom 5. 1 for where iustification and assurance of remission [Page 30] of sinnes is, there is peace with mee, with the creatures, and ioy in the holy Ghost. Vse the meanes for obtaining of faith, as hearing, receipt of the Sacraments, prayer, meditation, conference; if thou bee not wanting to thy selfe, I will not be wanting vnto thee, and next approue thy faith by repentance, for I haue bound my selfe by promise, that all that turne from their sinnes, shall in my Son be reconciled vnto mee: for I craue▪ no more, but that thou beleeue onely, and bring foorth fruits of a new life; for this is thy part in the couenant with mee, for sinnes repented of, are forgiuen in my estimate, as [Page 31] though they had neuer been committed, & because thou by these meanes art receiued vnto the protection of my prouidence; thou maist be vndoubtedly assured, that all things whatsoeuer (yea in thy iudgement, the worst also) shall make together for thy good, Be strong and of a good courage, it is I that am with thee, who can be against thee?
Is not thy worde euen like a fire O Lord? doth not my heart burne within me, while thou talkest with me, Ier. 23. 29 & openest to me the Scriptures, and manifesteth the word, which is like a hammer Luk. 24 32 [Page 32] that breaketh the stone, thou onely canst quicken the dead in sinne, and call Rom. 4. 17 those things which be not, as though they were, but (alas) how slow am I to beleeue, Luk. 24. 25 and how hard is my heart.
The occasion of thy euill may bee outward, but the cause is inward, else neuer should Satan, flesh, or the world preuaile, my Sonne was assaulted, but Satan found nothing in him, neither was there guile in his lips, Satan doth offer, thou doest yeelde to tentations, if thou canst bee aduersary to thy corruption, Satan [Page 33] shall be but as a Chyrurgion, which launceth thy impostumation to preserue life, howsoeuer hee purposeth to haue wounded to thy heart: Ioseph by grace restrained his corruption, concerning Putifars wife, Dauids eyes opened the vaile to his corrupted heart, so sin in him with Bethsheba grew to age, in what measure thou withstandeth thy corruption, in that measure thou art regenerate, and assured to preuaile against strongest tentations, thou maist easily espy thy corruption best, by thy afflictions or by affections, for such is a man as hee is in tentation; the heart of man carrieth commonly all the other [Page 34] senses, for by it they are moderated and ruled, and therefore thou shouldest diligently keepe it: againe, it marres or makes all thy actions, for if it bee pure, thy affections are pure, yea though some defects bee mixed therewith, whatsoeuer commeth from a sound and sincere heart, in my eyes is accepted, and in my Christ accounded righteousnes vnto thee: if for sins sake thou leaue sin, though the lees thereof remaine in thee, though thou doe not all the good thou louest, but in loue desireth to doe it, though thou leaue not all the sinnes thou hatest, but in hatred of them I accept the good thou doest, the [Page 35] euill thou desirest to leaue Gen. 6 shall not bee imputed: thus striue to haue thy heart Mic. 2 right within thee, with a purpose to approue thy selfe Ier 17. 9 to mee, labouring to kill sinne, though the whole body Pro. 4 15 16 of sinne be not slaine in thee. There is a wickednes in thy heart cannot easily be espied, the subtilty thereof is vnsearchable, which should bring thee out of loue with thy selfe, & watch diligently ouer it, it is like a mill euer grinding, thou must circumcise it, and make it to bleed to emptie it, for there is so much superfluous matter in it.
Wash mee thoroughly Psa. 51. 3. 5 [Page 36] from my iniquity, & cleanse mee from my sinne O Lord, beholde I was shapen in iniquity, and in sinne did my mother conceiue mee, create in mee a cleane heart O God, and renew a right spirit within me, I feele alas in my corrupt heart such a world of sinnes, and in euery one of them a fault against thee my God, a guilt binding my conscience to the punishment of of eternall death, and a staine or blot imprinted in mee, as the fruite thereof, which is my inclination, euill disposition, prouenesse and aptnesse of heart to offend, which causeth me delight and liue in sin, which lying in sinne (and woe is [Page 37] mee therefore) is a greater cause of damnation then the sinne it selfe.
Thou must beware of thy thoughts, which are the feet and wings, the soule walkes & flies by, yea the waggon and boate it is caried and failed in; for an euil thought if it long tarry in the mind, it will hardly be restrained before it come to the outwarde act, and such monsters of the minde should make thee affraid, & suspect thy falling in the action of sinne, by the affection of it; thou must therefore search thy heart, which is a bottomlesse pit of corruption, [Page 38] and it is a speciall grace to gage it to the deepe, for hee that maketh conscience of his thoughts, will make conscience of his deeds; for if thy heart be found in my my statutes, thou shalt not bee ashamed; Keepe thee Ps. 119. 80 from thoughts iniected, as was Iudas, his, cast in his heart by Sathan, and of Ioh. 13 thoughts arising out of it, beware of staying in them, by taking pleasure in these immaginations, and delight in the sent of them; for consent of will, with mee is a full action, Iudas thought but to doe euill, and it is said, that thou doest, doe quickly; after commeth deuise to bring to passe the act that followeth, whence [Page 39] ariseth a benummed conscience, after diuerse actions, then defence or excuse, then boasting of it, and this is the wickeds chayre, and steps to hell: then be ashamed to thinke that thou art ashamed to speake, for I see Pro. 14 thy heart and thoughts, & know what thou art, striue against them, and if they yet remaine, haue indignation of them, feare and cry to mee that thou art troubled with them, and I will ease thee; for iustly doe I challenge thy heart, who gaue my Sonnes heart to be 2. Kin. 20 18 pierced for thee: thus thou must obey against thine inclination, and naturall reason, Ier. 42. 6 For what is faith but a contrariety to reason? and [Page 40] hope to experience? and lay not downe thine owne conclusions: I am wel pleased with thy intents which prepare thy heart to seeke mee, the seeds of all sinnes are in euery mans heart, which would appeare if I suppressed them not, the tongue is a worlde of wickednesse, what is the heart then, out of whose aboundance the mouth speaketh?
I know that in mee, that is, in this flesh, there dwelleth no goodnesse; but euery good and perfect gift is from aboue, from thee the father of lights, open my eyes I beseech thee, that I [Page 41] may see the maruellous things in thy law, I cannot leaue (alas) my sinne, I haue vsed it so often and so long, it is so plyable to my nature, that I would rather lose my life, hauing long accustomed it, then now cease from it, and yet I am now and then tormented with the memory of it; my conscience is a snare to mee, yea an assize, a bench, a iudge, a iaylour, yea a hangman it selfe to me, and whither shall I flie poor wretch?
It is good to learne thy inward corruptions by thy outward senses, thy sense leades thee to sinne, because [Page 42] thy heart leadeth thy sense, & thy corruption hath stolen away thy heart; for outward senses bewray thy inward affections, & therefore Christ will neuer bee sweet, vntill thou see, yea and feele in experience, thy naturall corruption, for none can hunger for righteousnesse except hee feele himselfe empty and wanting thereof, and where there is an exceeding hunger, there must bee an exceeding feeling, as a feeble and small hunger had the like feeling: comforte then thy selfe, in that thou feelest the impurenesse of thy heart, and want of vprightnesse and deadnesse to all goodnesse, [Page 43] for the feeling of their wants is quicknesse and liuing, and this quicknesse and life is by my spirit in thee, and where my spirit is, there is life euerliuing, which is regeneration or life euerlasting; & the more thou doest feele the one, the more deepely doest thou weigh the feeling of thy confused estate, by which thou findest comfort in sorrow, & great light in darknesse: and in this, that thou both sighest and groanest for the hardnes of thy heart, it is a testimony that thy hart is not altogether hardned, for if thou feelest this in thy selfe, that thou desirest to loue mee, and to bee better, being wearied and [Page 44] toyled with sinne; & comfort thy selfe, for it is in earnest of regeneration, for difference betwixt a motion to euill, and consent to it; for the body of sinne, wicked motions, and affecons, shall neuer bee out of thee while thou liue, thou must not onely striue to presse out the breath of sin, and close vp the eyes of it at the death of it, but to follow it to the graue, and couer Reuel. 3. 15 12 22 it that it neuer rise, for this is to ouercome and receiue the crowne, not that the life of sinne can be here destroyed, but may well be weakened, as the mangled part of a Serpent cut in peeces, haue not that power to hurt as when it was whole [Page 45] so corruptiō hath not siercenesse to preuayle against thee, how-soeuer the reliques thereof remaine but like a mighty Prince, which is become a poore prisoner.
I by reason of my olde custome in sinne, doe often yeelde to tentations, I doe not abound more and more in wisedome and goodnes, but rather perseuere in sinne and rebellion, Lord thou knowest, and I feare (vnlesse thy mercy be the greater) the sentence of my conscience which is thy register, and my remembrancer, the wicked may bee secure, but neuer in safety,
Custome is worse a hundred Ger. 42. 14 15 folde then nature, and doth greatly preuaile with my dearest children: Ioseph a good man, beeing among prophane men, had some smell of their wordes and lied: The Sodomites by their vniust conuersation, vexed Lots righteous soule, yet hee could haue found in his heart to liue still amongst them, therefore there is nothing more fit, then to auoid all occasions of sinne, and & to procure honest things both in the sight of God & man, and then in all actions to auoide euill, thou must learne to keepe that which [Page 47] is good, and abstaine from all appearance of euill, bee sure it be good thou doest, but if it haue but a shew of euill auoide it, and if it be an ill fauoured thing to see to, flie it. If thou heare threatnings and tremble, heare promises and beleeue, pray in wants, be thankfull for mercies, and with reuerence receiue Sacraments, they keep thee from falling, and recouer thee when thou art fallen, it goeth wel with thee; to prosper and thriue in sinne, is a signe of my wrath, as the childe that Heb. 12. 6 the father hateth is giuen ouer to be ruled by his owne pleasure, but I chastise my children whom I loue, that 1. Cor. 11 32 they should not be condemned [Page 48] with the world: again, thou wilt neuer leaue sinne, vntill thou knowe sinne to be sinne, and be truely sorrowfull for it: presse to resist the first motions of sin, for one breedeth many, & it is hard to get out of the clawes of the diuell, thou canst without great danger touch the young thorne, dallie with the young bore, and carry a young Serpent, but if these bee olde thou knowest the danger, cut the thorne in the roote, mussle the boare, bruise the head of the Serpent, yea destroy it in the very egge before it be hatcht; by the fall of others in sinne, thou maist be taught to stand, and rise if thou be fallen, and as cō cerning [Page 49] the accusation of thy conscience thou speakest of, thou shalt neuer labour to leaue sinne so long as thou art quiet in minde, vntill thou be stricken with feare, or cast downe with iudgements, then if thou looke to my highest maiesty offended by sinne, the benefits which bound thee to doe my will, how neare thy sinnes pierce mee, the purpose and ende thou tendest to in sinne, the time and place of transgression, & last if thou see the loathsomenesse and deformity of sinne: for that a stinching carrion is more tolerable to the sent, then a sinfull soule vnto me, if thou narrowly consider how huge and detestable [Page 50] thy sins will seeme, for by them thou art made like vnto the diuell himself, I haue imprinted naturally in all a condemnation of sinne, that euen committing it, thou shouldest condemne it in thy selfe, and be ashamed of it before others, wo vnto them that are depriued of this naturall remorse, & to them that account that vertue, which I condemne for a crime, though it seem little to thee in committing sinne, it was very great in my Sonne in suffering for it, if sinnes were not so vsuall, they would seeme more palpeable and prodigious, and therefore the senses which are oceasions of sinne, ought to be well ordered, [Page 51] to make a couenant with thy eyes, with thy mouth and eares, that thy heart walke not after them, that thy step turne not out of the way, and any blot Iob. 31. 1. 7 cleaue to thy hands, he that seeth his corruptions truely will bee affraid of the least shew of euill, the oftner sin is, to haue the more griefe, Ps 42. 11. 9 is a note of my children, search then the bottome of thy thoughts, feele thy grief where it lyeth, finde out the cause, seek for remedy, least it proue incurable, if thou take it not in time, it will fester more and more, and infect all.
O how truely is my body [Page 52] called a body of death, thou shouldest take vp and haue to thy glory all my cogitations, but idle thoughts, imaginations and discourses come in my ninde, to the which alas I yeeld my affection, and doe not strike at my conscience in the Iam. 1. 13 first motion, while reason is on my side, and wound it before it receiue a perfect shape, O that I might cherish and intertaine good motions and change them into prayer, not to smother them by other rouing 2. Pet. 3 cogitations, making them either die presently, or quikly fall away, and thus Pro. 14. 9 (alas) I make a mocke of sinne, yea I make a God of Rom. 2. 4. 5 sinne, and serue it in thy [Page 53] steed, neglecting thy bountifulnesse, which leadeth me to repentance, if thou shouldest Lord suffer my conscience checke me, and Satan burden mee, with the least sinne, it would bee so heauy and grieuous, that a thousand worlds could not abide it, how could I then endure the greatest? Adam for eating of an apple was throwne out of Paradise, Moses for speaking of an angry worde died in the wildernesse, and was not suffered to goe into Canaan, Ezekiah did but shew his treasures, and for that he & all were carried to Babell, Iosiah did war against thine and his enemies, yet because hee asked not counsel [Page 54] of thee was slaine in battell: these (for what sinnes are lesse) hast thou punished in thy deare children, O what shall become of mee in my great sinnes, if the iust shal scarcely bee saued, where shall the wicked appeare? if this shall bee done vnto the greene tree, what shall bee done to the dry? the least offence commeth not alone, but brings a legion of transgressions with it, yea the least made thy Son smart and accursed, and to say, my God, my God, ctc. and O that no sinne could escape mee without true & godly sorrow, for the lesse I fauour sinne, the nearer I am to▪ thy fauour, small meanes doe prouoke me to [Page 55] it, but great meanes cannot reuoke me from it, the spirit is quickly quenched, the tender conscience is soone bruised, olde sinnes doe retire, Pro. 15. 15 new sinnes easily assault, and doe depriue mee of the company of a good conscience.
Thou must (deare soule) beware of all sinne generally, and must looke narrowly vnto some speciall sinnes, whereunto thy nature is most inclinable and subiect: for one dead slye will corrupt a whole boxe of oyntment. Oftentimes meditate of thy secret sins, which are hidden as it were [Page 56] in the darke corners of thy heart, which I can reueale when I will, in making my creatures bring vnto light, thy friends to open them, thy owne mouth to testifie them, thy dreames to make them knowne, in sicknesse to raue on them, or in frensie to vomit them out, the sharpe torment of conscience make thee cōfesse one priuie sinne vnrepented, for if the Israelites made the Iud. 17 Beniaminites, fewer in number, and maintaining an euill cause twice to preuaile. It is not light that is heauier then all the world, I esteem Mat. 51 one iot of my lawe, more then heauen and earth, secret corruptions be light, as Baltasar was in Daniels interpretation, Dan. 5. 27 [Page 57] which is the losse not of an earthly kingdome such as his was, but of the kingdome of heauen; the maladies of the soule are contrarie to those of the body, for these the greater they be, the more we seele them, the other the lesse, while thy sinne is as a more, and may bee as it were blowen out, make thee free of it; when it shall bee a beame, it shall scarce be haled out with horses, it shold be thy earely and morning worke to cast out sinnes, Psa. 101. 8 tarry not while thy sinne be great, but pray with feeling of wants and sorrowe for sinne, else sinne will deceiue thee, and deceiuing thee will harme thee, make fatte [Page 58] thy heart thou shalt not perceiue it, & blinde thy minde thou shalt not see it, for when wickednesse is at the ripest, then destruction is nearest at hand, wherefore while sinne is yet in the sprout, and hauing but a little course, is vnable to make any great breach, keepe it vnder and stay it, is is hard to get vnto the way of goodnesse, harder to continue in it, but hardest of all when thou art out of the way to come in again, when sinne breaketh out without controulement, and beareth the sway with delight, to the breaking of the peace with the conscience, it is very dangerous, thou oughtest of ten to say, direct my [Page 59] steps in thy worde, and let no iniquity haue dominion ouer mee, keepe mee from Ps 119. 133 presumtuous sins, let them not raigne ouer mee, tarrie not I say vntill the dead Psa. 19 13 blow commeth, but resist the first stroakes of sinne, for then thou maiest be easily hardened thorough the deceitfulnesse of sinne, to day if thou heare my voyce, Heb. 3 harden not thy heart; the violence of sinne is so impetuous that thou mayest soone slip, but hardly rise: blessed therefore is the man Psa. 95. 8 that feareth alway, but hee that hardeneth his heart shall fall into euill; without sinne thou shalt not be, but pray it may be forgiuen, neither voyd of tentations (for [Page 60] of all tentations not to bee tempted is the greatest) but that thou bee not ouercome of them.
I perceiue (sweet Lord) there is difference betwixt slumbering and dead sleeping, betweene slippes and falles, betwixt infirmities and running headlong to vngodlinesse, betwixt error with griefe and desire to be freed from it, and ignorance wherein the wicked lie still gladly, and haue no care to be rid of it: I will with my whole minde leaue my sins from hence forth, & suspect the corruptions and motions of my heart.
It is not sufficient (poor soule) for thee to learne thy sinne, for thou maiest fall into it againe, and into worse if it bee possible, but thou must weep & mourne vntil thou com to som grief, and such as is answerable to the measure of thy sinnes, as it is saide, cleanse your Iam. 4. 8. 9 hands you sinners, and pufie your hearts you double minded, bee afflicted and mourne and weep, let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your ioy into heauinesse: grieuous sins must be repented of with great griefe, a sore disease must be cured with sharpe medicines, [Page 62] for men must mourne for their sins as one mourneth for his only sonne, and and be sorrowfull for them, as one is sorrowfull for the death of his first born, there must bee in them a great mourning, as the mourning of Hadradimmon, in the valley of Megiddan, for the death of the good King Iosiah, euen so must thou mourne, because thou hast pierced my Sonne thorough with thy sinnes, and wounded him with thy by-past abhominations, and thus thou must rent thy heart; for a sa man that looks vpon the Sunne, if hee turne his face away, remaineth turned vntill he turne himselfe againe, so hee that turneth [Page 63] himselfe away by sinne, maketh himselfe a sinner, and so remaineth vntill he turne himselfe againe by hearty repentance, and therefore thou must diligently examine thy sinnes, not onely in acknowledging of them, but also in sense and feeling of them, for that will make thee, not to change one sin for another, but forsake all; not as Herod, who was contented to relinquish some, Mar. 10. 24 but not to seperate from his incestuous whore; and the young man would rather depart from me (albeit that I loued him) then from his riches. So did Ananias and Act. 5 Saphyra, it must then bee a totall not partiall forsaking, for whosoeuer shall keepe [Page 64] the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guiltie of all; for the keeping of sinne in part is the losing Iam. 2. 10. of grace in whole, ye must not forsake sinne for a moment, or short time, but for euer, and not returne with the dogge to the vomit, and with the sow to the wallowing in the mire, least hauing escaped the filthinesse of this world, thou bee yet again intangled in the same▪ for sinnes not truely repented of, are meanes to fall vnto them againe, thou must not harbour secret sinnes in thy heart and breast, but rather desire to be religious then to seeme to be; for be assured there is nothing so secret but shal [Page 66] be reuealed, whether it bee good or bad, thou must not then begin in the spirit and end in the flesh, and not only art thou thus to deale with thy grosse sinnes, but also with the inwarde corruption of thy nature, and the fruits thereof, which although thou canst not altogether blot out, yet beat it downe, and keepe it short, for while the tree remayneth in the earth, there wil alwaies spring foorth some buds; rest neuer from emptying this fountaine, from which these mudde springs are deriued.
By reason of my inward [Page 66] corruption (good God) I am impoysoned, for I see another lawe in my members rebelling against the lawe af my minde, & bringing Rom. 7. 23 me vnto captiuity, the lawe of sinne which is in my members; oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliuer mee from this body of death: for if Satan (who neuer ceaseth) should do nothing to me, yet this would pull and drawe mee from thee, vnlesse it be suppressed, oh that bondage of sin to bee at the commandement of euery vile wretched lust! oh the master, the seruice and reward of sinfull persons, Satan that God of this world, and Prince that ruleth in the children of disobedience, Ephe. 2. 2 [Page 67] hee putteth his vassailes to carry heauier burthens, and to toile themselues in baser workes then the cruell taske-masters of Egypt imposed on the poore Israelites, impenitent sinners are enthraled to euery bruitish lust, they must defile their bodies, corrupt their soules & consciences, and pollute all their works and wayes, when and in what manner soeuer the diuell will haue them, runne vp and downe like dregges to followe euery vaine delight, neuer peaceable by day, nor quiet by night, euermore labouring to work Pro. 4. 16 out their owne ouerthrow, possessed with a spirituall phrensie, and led by the suggestion [Page 68] of Satan, and then the wages of sinne it death, to endure endlesse torments in the lake that burneth with fire and brimstone, which is the second death: now Lord free mee from this slauery of sinne, that beeing translated from glory 2. Cor. 3. 18 to glory, and hauing thy image renued in mee daily 1. Ioh. 3. 3 more and more, I may purifie my selfe euen as thou art pure: oh that I might be fenced & armed against all enticements, it is a blessed thing to worke no iniquity; what should it profit a man to win the whole Luk. 9. 21 worlde and lose his owne soule, it is better to suffer affliction with thy people, then to enioy the pleasures Heb. 11. 25 [Page 69] of sinne for a season; it is a ioy to liue a holy life, euen the life of thee the Lord God, the life of Christ, the life of Angels, to bee zealous of good workes, to feele spirituall ioyes in the inward man, to looke for a crowne of glory after I haue died the death of the righteous.
And so it is true, therefore I say, search thy corruptions, whether thou grow in grace, or art consumed in some, I giue grace in measure, sometime more, and Rom. 6. 2 some time lesse; but they that liue in ignorance and sinne, are deade for they sit Luk. 1 [Page 70] in darknesse and in the shadow of death, for the life of sinne is the death of the man, when they sinne with pleasure and delight: the best flesh is most tender, and where it is most corrupt, there it is most hard, and where the flesh is nearest to healing, there it will more speedily and more freshly bleed, the more neare thou art to me, the more fearefull thou wilt bee, the more pretious thy conscience is, the more tender it is, for it is a quickning grace of my spirit whē thou feelest peace in conscience, Rom. 5. 5 and ioy in the holy spirit, when thou hast accesse vnto me, and reioycest vnder the hope of my glory, [Page 71] for blessed is that people which can reioyce in mee, they shall walke in the peace of my countenance; vnto this peace of minde Psa. 89. 13 sincerity must bee linked, for blessed is the man to whom I impute no iniquity, Psa. 32 and in whose heart there is no guile, yea blessed are Psa. 119. 1 those that are vpright in the way; thou must make knowne thy faith by fruits, and feeling by sweete effects; for loue is carefull to please mee, and fearfull to displease, and blessed is that man that feareth mee and walketh in my wayes; this feare will breed a care of obedience of the word, and therefore blessed is hee that heareth the word of God, [Page 72] and keepeth that thy heart may stand in awe of mee: Ps. 119. 161 let mee bee thy feare and dread, where my feare is Es. 8. 12 wanting, there is no tentation nor sin so great, but thou wilt fall in it, but remember I beholde all thy wayes, and tell all thy steps, Iob 31 hee that feareth not me shal feare the least of my creacreatures, liue in feare, and feare in loue, for tasting how gracious I am in all my Saints feare, least thou lose so good a Lord, this feare will make thee search thy owne corruption, the godly feare before affliction commeth, and then it ceaseth, but the wicked fear not vntill it come, and then they feare too much, for piety [Page 73] trembleth in prosperity, and triumpheth in aduersity, I am alwaies God, and am to bee feared of thee, for thou art a creature, and also sinfull, an iron rod can easily break an earthen pot: if the commandement onely, keepe thee in obedience, thou hast not receiued my spirit, for my feare causeth obedience, and the lawe was not giuen to the iust, but to the vniust, and therefore learne to say with thy heart, I am a man that feare God, thou canst not reioyce in mee alwaies, faith is often faint, loue and little ioy is dead, feeling is fallen asleepe, yet if thou continue in my feare, thou wilt bee zealous of thy selfe, least [Page 74] thou displease me, & mourn vntill these graces shine in thee againe, the godly, feare sinne more then exernall crosses; they that feare least, when my iudgements are threatned, doe feare most when they are executed, a good conscience breedeth true boldnesse, sinne breedeth a spirit of feare in the wicked, of euills to come, the godly say, my flesh trē bleth Ps. 119. 120 for feare of thee, I am affraide of thy iudgements, for where feare is not there is security, security breedeth hardnesse of Pro. 28. 14 heart, hardnesse of heart bringeth Gods wrath.
Wee must haue feare to [Page 75] prepare vs to grace, & loue to continue vs in that grace; this feare (not that seruile and excessiue) bringeth vs vnto thee, helpeth our praiers, causeth vs waite & continue on our duties, I must Heb. 11. 7 not bee without feare, neither trust in my selfe; for Hab. 3. 16 when my assistance is weakest, sinne and Sathan is strongest; neither yet must I haue a cowardly feare. & fainting of heart to yeelde to tētations, but haue a moderate, and not a scrupulous feare; alawies being strong in thee, the Lord, my strength; the ioy of the Saints may bee temporally interrupted, but not finally & eternaly absent, they haue a iust and royall right in thy [Page 76] Sonne Christ; and must maintaine it against all the staines and falls that they feare of the aduersary, thus Satan would weare to a dulnesse the edge of our prayers, and draw to tedidiousnesse the fruite of our faith, and therefore they Pro. 3. 5. 6 trust in the Lord with all their heart, and leane not vnto their owne wisedome, in all their waies acknowledge Ro. 12. 16 him, and hee doth direct their waies, they are not wise in their owne eies, but feare thee and departe from euill, so health shall bee vnto their nauell, and marow vnto their bones, they reioyce in his holy name, the hearts of them that feele thee, O Lord, reioyceth, [Page 77] they seek the Lord Ps. 105. 3. 4 and his strength, they seeke his face continually, for surely their heart shall reioyce Psa. 33. 21 in him, because they haue trusted in his holy name: they I say, doe serue Psa. 2. 11 the Lord in feare, and reloyce in trembling, oh thy louing kindnesse O Lord, Psa. 33. 6 is better then life, truely life is sowen for the righteous, and ioy for the vpright Ps. 9711 in heart, but (alas good Lord) I doe euer feele within mee such procliuity and bentnesse to sinne, it is as thou saidst of my corruption, whose remnants will follow mee to the graue: I am ouer-mastered & ouerruled at all times by my actuall impieties against thee, [Page 78] and my neighbours, offensiue and scandalous to all, without any Christian consideration, or holy remorse.
The cause thereof, besides those I haue spoken, are, first, because thou findest not after thy sinne a present controulement of sinne, thou thinkest thou hast not offended: I oft suffer the spirit of slumber to ouertake trangressors, that I may by my spirit more perfectly waken my Saints: then doe the wicked take courage and transgresse, and doe wickedly, but I wil Hab. 1 11 search them with light, and visite them that are frosen in their dregges, and say in Zeph. 1. 12 [Page 79] their hearts, they Lord wil neither doe good nor euill; so because the wicked are not taken in their sin, they stretch out their hand to Iob. 21. 9 more wickednesse, their houses are safe from feare, neither is my rodde vpon them, they say vnto me depart from vs, for wee desire not the knowledge of thy wayes; but they shall Ier. 12. 2. 3 bee as stubble before the winde, and as chaffe which the storme carrieth suddenly away: I shall lay vp his iniquity for his children, doth the way of the wicked prosper? yet are they prepared for the day of slaughter, and the worlde counteth the proude blessed, Mal. 3. 15 and they that tempt me, are [Page 80] deliuered, but I haue a booke of remembrance, of them that feare me, and the armes of the wicked shall be broken, but the Lorde Psa. 31. 17 vpholdeth the iust man. The second cause is, because thou resteth in my vniuersal promises, which although they be true and comfortable, yet they can minister no true consolation to thee, except thou make a particuler application of them to thy selfe; by the word thou seest thy sinnes pardonable, yet it is another thing to haue sinnes remissible, and another to assure thy selfe that they are already remitted, for then thou wouldest search thy selfe more narrowly, and purge thy [Page 81] selfe from inwarde sinne, as from outward, and bee wholly transformed vnto a new holy & righteous life, therefore the loue of righteousnesse departeth from thee, and thou retirest to thy olde sins againe, which will breed much sorrowe of heart, to remember thy former sinnes, to see the greatnesse of them, to apply my iudgements to them, and to prouoke thy selfe to sorrow for them. The third cause, is thy slacknes, in not espying thy mother, speciall and predominant sinne in thee, by marking the most checks of thy conscience, and the reproaches of thy enemies, whereof thou maiest easily bee shortly conquerour, if [Page 82] thou labour for the contrarie vertue, for a man of vnderstanding knoweth when Eccl. 21. 7 hee slippeth, yea all the dayes of the afflicted are euill; but hee that is of a merry heart hath a continuall feast, yea and a scorner loueth not one that reproueth Pro. 15. 15 him, neither will he goe vnto the wise: then learne to acknowledge thy speciall, secret, and seuerall sinnes, for the greatest hypocrite will generally complaine of sinne, but beeing dealt with in particular points, and application of them to their conscience, they are not able to distinguish one sinne from another: for thus indistinct knowledge cannot auayle [Page 83] in any terrestriall matter, much lesse in the businesse of the soule.
And I poore wretch in any perplexity of minde, cannot seperate the blinde and confused cause thereof, from the distinct & known, neither can eschew confusion of minde, by bringing my soule to some certaine obiect, and matter of my troubled heart, good God whence commeth this, and how shall it bee amended in mee.
The righteous heart Pro. 14 10 knoweth the bitternesse of his soule, and the stranger [Page 84] shall not meddle with thy ioy, for a sound heart is the life of the flesh, and by Pro. 15. 3 the sorrow of the heart the minde is heauie, giue not ouer they minde to heauinesse, and vexe not thy selfe in thy owne counsell, leaue Eccl. 30. 21 off from sinne, & order thy hands aright: a stubborne heart shall fare euill at the last, and hee that loueth danger shall perish therein. Eccl. 3. 27 Now this disordered discerning of sinne, commeth of ignorance of my lawe, and selfe-loue, whereby thou art ashamed to manifest sinne, and rip it vp to the quick, seeke to a faithfull & sound friend, or Pastor, to whom thou maiest offer thy heart to bee searched deeply by [Page 85] the lawe, bee continually with a godly man, whom thou knowest to keepe the commandements of the Lord, whose minde is according Eccl. 37. 12 to thy minde, and will sorrowe with thee, if thou shalt miscarry, and let the counsell of thy owne heart stand, for there is no man more faithfull vnto thee then it, for a mans minde is wont sometimes to tell him more then seuen watchmen, which set aboue in an high Tower, and aboue all thus pray to the most high, that he would direct thy way in truth.
What shall I doe, if my [Page 86] griefe arise of any certaine or knowne sinne.
Then vnderstand, if thou hast done that sinne already, or else not yet committed it, but whereunto thou art tempted, for olde sinnes are represented oft to sinners, as not truely repented of, that they may the more mislike them, & that their particular sinnes may bring them to their grosse, greater, and generall sins, that there may bee a sense of both, least their griefe shold passe away without any fruit, and reason thus with thy selfe, if I bee so angry for this or that sin (whereof [Page 87] thou art troubled, thy bowels swell, thy heart turneth within thee, and thou full of heauinesse) how vexed may thou be; the wickeds Lam. 1. 20 bones are full of the sinnes of his youth, and it shall lie downe with him Iob. 20. 11 11. 12 in the dust, though wickednesse bee sweete in his mouth, though hee hide it vnder his tongue, though hee spare it, and forsake it not but keepe it still within his mouth, yet his meate in his bowels is turned, it is the gall of aspes within him; I would therefore haue thee know (poore soule) that I 2. Pet. 3. 9 would haue no man to perish, but all men to come to repentance.
How shall I then eschew sinne, and how shall I be acquited frō that sin which hath passed me?
I haue oft admonished thee of thy corruption, to make account to suppresse it, labour to espy thy secret sinnes, with truth, and not in shew; so hard a matter it is to search thy heart to the bottome, for there is not a more wicked heade Eccl. 25. 13 then the head of the Serpent, and giue any plague but the plague of the heart, and therefore in respect of [Page 89] sinnes past, sinnes present, priuie pride, hidden wants, secret corruptions, euer accuse thy selfe of some lurking hyprosie: for the godly tremble at the least motion of sinne, and say, I will runne the way of the Ps. 119. 23 cōmandements, when thou shalt enlarge my heart, bind not two sinnes together, for in one sinne thou shalt not be vnpunished, and because Eccl. 7. 8 thy sinne is forgiuen, be not without feare, or heape sinne vpon sinne, & say not the mercy of God is great, hee will forgiue my Eccl. 5. 5. 6 manifolde sinnes, for mercy and wrath commeth from him, and his indignation commeth downe vpon sinners: the two fountaines [Page 90] and grounds of sinnes, are the inward motions of the heart, and the outward occasions of the senses, especially the eyes, for whensoeuer a man heareth the word of the kingdome, and vnderstandeth it not, the euill one commeth and catcheth Mar. 13. 19 away that which was sowen in his heare; neither must thou drawe neare to mee with thy mouth, and thy heart farre off from me, and the things which proceed out of thy mouth, come Mat. 15. 8 from thy heart, and they defile the man, keepe thy heart therefore to lay vppe Luk. 1. 66 good and pretious things therein, as in a store-house, Pro. 4. 23 keepe it I say diligently, for thereout commeth life [Page 91] againe, vertue & vice dwell Pro. 2. 8 very neare together, learne to bee holily scrupelous, fearefull, and suspicious, for preuenting of sin to come, the heart of the wise shall know the time and iudgement, thirdly keep thy selfe Eccl. 8. 5 from foolish venturing vpon the occasions which are the borders of sinne, when thou mayest beholde many of my children better fenced Mat. 26 with grace then thou art, to haue beene snared: for the foolish will beleeue euery Gen. 3. 6 thing, but the prudent will consider his steps: let thy heart bee therefore in Pro. 14 15 feare of God continually, set no wicked thing before thy eyes, hate the worke of them that fall away, let it Pro. 33. 17 [Page 92] not cleaue vnto thee.
Alas good and mercifull father, I doe euer finde in mee so many allurements & intisements to sinne, which often I would eschew but cannot, which offer themselues to mee at euery minute, neither can I retire me selfe from them, albeit I doe sometime protest against them, and abhorre them, eyther before, or soon after the sinne is committed, with a very perfect hatred and loathsomnes.
Thou must seriously obserue, [Page 93] first of the company to discerne good from euill, for good company hate Ephe. 5. 11 the vnfruitfull workes of darkenesse, and in their eies an euill person is contemned, but honoureth them that feare the Lord: with Psa. 15. 4 sound iudgement labour to holinesse and sincerity of life, in all things haue a sight of thy corruptions, & mourne for them, doe good to the houshold of faith, Gal. 6. 10 which continue in one spirite, and in one minde, fighting together thorough the Phil. 1. 27 faith of the gospell, longeth for the appearance of Iesus Christ, but these are euill, 2. Pet. 2. 1 that denie the Lord that bought them, & bring Ephe. 5. 6 vpon themselues swift damnation, [Page 94] by whom the wayof truth is euill spoken of, 2. Tim. 3 and are of a prophane life, and hate to bee reprooued, but rather grow worse and worse, which persecute the Saints of God, and make Ioh. 16. 1 choyce of the pleasures of sinne for a season, who are affraide of death, and set Luk. 12. 10 vp their heauen and rest in this life, which put farre away Am. 6. 3 the euill day, and approach to the sight of iniquity, to these thou must fay with Dauid, away from mee yee wicked, for I will Psa. 101. 6 keepe the commandements of my God, my eyes shall bee vpon the faithfull of the land, that they may dwell with me, and therfore thou must (beloued soule) bee [Page 95] rather wearie of them, because they run the broad way, following first examples: secondly, multitudes: thirdly, time: fourthly, custome: fiftly, opinion.
I hate vaine inuentions, but thy law doe I loue, thou art my refuge & my shield, and I trust in thy worde, teach me (good Lord) these things particularly, that I may ingraft them in my heart.
Follow the godly, but so Heb. 10 farre as they followe mee, their guide in the word, and [Page 96] Iesus Christ the author and finisher of their faith, which Heb. 13. 7 through faith and patience haue inherited the promises: for it is a signe thou art in the wrong way, if thou doe nothing but that Pro. 21. 2 the greatest part of the world doe, for how euill soeuer the way be, and whersoeuer it lyeth, euery mans way is right in his owne eyes, and will defend, or excuse whatsoeuer they doe. But I the searcher of the hearts, do say, your wayes Ese. 55. 8 are not my waies, nor your thoughts my thoughts, because they are wrong waies: let euery man turne from 1. Pet. 2. 11 his owne wayes, their thoughts are the Diuelles souldiers, which war against [Page 97] the soule, they followe their Captaine, and thou followest them, thou may easily know whither thou goest; the heart of man is to mee as clay to the Potter, clay I say to mee, but waxe to the diuell; for it will haue much tempering and great adoe to bring it to mee, but very plyable to any worke that Satan shall put it to: for albeit thou shalt see neuer any euill example, nor bee tempted by multitude, neither outwardly assaulted at all, yet thine owne heart will teach thee wickednesse aboundantly, what auaileth it thee to forsake companies, and retaine thine olde heart still. For it is I that can restraine [Page 98] the issue of thy corruptions, Eccl. 13 conforme therefore thy wil to mine, hee that toucheth pitch will be defiled by it, hee is blessed that doth not walke in the counsell of the wicked, nor stand in the way of sinners, nor sitte in the seat of the scornefull, for the wicked are strangers from the wombe, they goe Psa. 1. 1 astray assoone as they bee borne; they are put out of Ps. 58. 3 the booke of life, blessed is hee whom I choose; and cause come to mee; but saluation Psa. 69. 28 is farre from the wicked, because they seeke not my Statutes, hate them therefore, that giue themselues Psa. 65. 4 to doe willfull vanities; for they shall be consumed Ps. 119 155 like the fat of lambs, [Page 99] euen with the smoake shall they consume away: Thou must not then imitate them, but hate them with a perfect hatred, that hate mee; Psa. 31. 6 and bee companion to all such as feare mee. There is no path, wherein there is Psa. 37. 20 not a snake, either to sting or impoyson, thou canst see thy selfe sooner infected, they spy how thou art infected: it is my mercy to be good with the communion of Saints, so it is my iust iudgement to poure vengeance on the company of the vngodly, haue no fellowship with them in their sinne, neither draw in their Ier. 15. 19 yoak with them, take forth the pretious from the toile, let them returne to thee, [Page 100] but returne not thou vnto them, rouse vp thy heart, and reioyce in the fellowshippe which is aboue, for because of vncleanesse, inordinate affection, and euil Col. 1. 6 concupiscence, my wrath commeth on the children of disobedience.
Now doe I beginne to feele the heauy burthen of sinne more and more, with the which I am truely grieued, but I haue not duely (alas) repented me of them, I resolue to suppresse them Psa. 17. 3 with all my indeauour, but I feare my secret corruptions will breake forth, so aboundant is that roote of [Page 101] bitternesse in mee, remember not against mee my former iniquities, but make haste, and let thy tender mercies preuent mee, for I Psa. 79. 8 am in great miserie, helpe me O God of my saluation, for the glory of thy name; and deliuer mee, and bee mercifull to my sinnes, for thy names sake; I will acknowledge my sinne vnto Psa. 32. 5 thee, neither will I hide mine iniquity, for I thought I would confesse against my selfe, my wickednesse vnto the Lord, and thou forgaue the punishment of my sinne: O that I might take heed vnto my selfe, & keepe my soule diligently, Deut. 4. 9 and thy seruant from euill, that the peace of thee O [Page 102] Lord, that passeth all vnderstanding, may preserue my heart and minde in Phi. 4. 7 Christ Iesus, and now O Lord, who can vndestand his faults, keepe mee, thy seruant, also from presumtuous Psa. 19. 12 sinnes, let them not raigne ouer mee, so shall I be vpright, & made cleane from much wickednesse.
First of all beware (beloued soule) of Sathans flieghts, and condemning thee by presumption, say not the mercy of God is great, hee will forgiue my manifolde sinne, for mercie and wrath come from mee, and my indignation [Page 103] commeth downe vpon sinners, an obstinate heart shal Eccl. 3 29 bee laden with sorrowes, and the wicked man shall heape sinne vpon sin, make thou no tarrying to turne vnto the Lord, and put not off from day to day, for suddenly shall the wrath of thē Lord breake forth, & in thy security thou shalt bee destroyed, and thou shalt perish in the time of vengeance, binde not two sinnes together, for in one thou shalt not bee vnpunished, Psa. 143. 2 neither iustifie thy selfe before the Lord, for he knoweth thy heart, thou Eccl. 7. 8 must not learne of Satans temptations, to bee bolde vpon sinne, neither vse pretenses Iob. 9. 2 for it, as to say I am [Page 104] not an Angell, that my nature is corrupt &c. The preacher is but a man as an other &c. and on the other part, beware of desperation, in mocking the ouerfearefull and superstitious; for Sathan will make of a Fly an Elephant, but saile with an euen course, and labour for measure, to bee sought in the word of God, which will teach not to decline, neither to the right Mat. 11. 19 nor left hand, but to keep the narrow way, for wisedome will be iustifled of her children.
Remember O Lord thy tender mercies, and thy louing [Page 105] kindenesse, for they haue been for euer, remember not the sinnes of my youth, nor my rebellions, but according to thy kindnesse Psa. 25. 6. 7 remember thou mee, for thy goodnesse sake, O Lord, gracious and righteous art thou, therefore thou wilt teach sinners in Psa. 71. 17 the way, O God, thou hast taught mee euen from my youth vntill now, & therefore will I declare thy wonderous workes, make mee 2. Tim. 2 flie from the lusts of youth, & sollow after righteousnes, faith, loue, & peace, with them that call on thee with Iob. 13. 26 pure hearts, neither write thou bitter things against mee, & make me possesse the iniquities of my youth.
There are sins in youth, middle, and old age, negligence, in making conscience of sinnes done long agoe, maketh falling in great terror of minde; when violent remembrance of 1. Cor. 11 them surchargeth the mind, therefore betimes learne to accuse them, that Sathan henceforth haue no place to doe it; for if thou iudge thy selfe, thou shalt not bee iudged: humble thy selfe 1. Pet. 5. 6 therefore vnder the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt thee in due time, cast downe thy selfe before the Lord, and hee will lift the vp: I will surely gather [Page 107] him that humbleth, and I will gather him that is cast Mich. 4. 6 out, and him that I haue afflicted.
Willingly desire I Lord, to make that fruit of my Eph. 5. 16 falles, but (alas) when I looke backe to my mispent time, which is vnrecouerable, and which I cannot redeeme, then great feare and torment assaults mee, and pinches so hard, that I am at my wits end.
Comfort thy selfe (poor soule) for in my best children, there is, first youthfull [Page 108] loosenesse, and vnstayednesse of affections, the way to lewdnesse, so Dauid, O God, thou knowest my foolishnesse, and my faults Psa. 69. 5 are not hid from thee, seest thou not what young men did in Sampsons daies in their feasting, and how hee reuealeth to the woman, Iudg. 14. 9 which he had concealed from father and mother, and Boas commendation of Ruth, that shee had not followed young men: whether Eccl 11. 10 they were poore or rich, for childe-hood and youth are vanity: and secondly there is in them weakenesse, the way to strong vanities, and so Dauid, as for me saith hee, my Psa. 73. 2. feet were almost gone, my [Page 109] steps had well-neere slipt. Thus Abraham made his his wife say, shee was his sister; so the godly haue spent the time past of their 2. Pet. 43 life, in the lusts of the Gentiles, walking in lasciousnesse, lusts, reuellings, &c. And thirdly, euen my Saints haue walked in wantonnes, in the door to open wickednesse, as gluttony, drunkennesse, and abhominable idolatries, which though they breake not forth at all times, yet make them lesse carefull to glorifie me, for Gen. 20. 6 I keepe them that they shal not sinne against mee, and doe not suffer them to end their designements: other mens harmes may teach the blessed wisedome; labour [Page 110] not onely to leaue sinne, which one may do for profit, feare, praise, or wearisomenesse, but also to repent of it for conscience sake.
The grieuousnesse of my sinnes filleth mee with feare of iudgement, and this feare (I hope) will cause the power of sinne abate in me, thou Lord can giue me victory ouer sin, and make it as loathsome vnto mee, as euer it hath been pleasant; to reioyce in the Lord, to vse the meanes of my saluation diligently, and to seale vp the pardon of my sinnes in my heart, O God when [Page 111] shall it bee? If thou wouldest haue destroyed mee for my by-past sinnes, thou wouldest neuer haue giuen mee vnfained hatred of thē: I consider thy mercy that striueth with mee, to bring mee to repentance, and thy iustice, that will confound such as resist: thy mercie hath giuen mee the meanes which thou hast denied to others; thou afflictest mee lightly, but confoundest others; thou gauest mercie, when thou mightest iustly haue punished, wherin thou doest as it were hire mee from sins: and shall I prouoke thee, and adde rebellion to sinne, O my God, I know there is a secret curse vpon euery sinner, which [Page 112] will consume him, if he doe not repent; it hath gone out of thy mouth, thy word cānot change, because thou art vnchangeable.
I haue tolde thee, that youth the flower of thy age is of great consideration, all this haue I done, saith the Luk. 16 yong man in the gospel, the prodigall maketh his foure stations, he hath his portion, his fathers ouer-fight, euill cōpany, but youth worse thē all: for youth hath a bundle of folly bound close in his heart, which best men haue had, neither could flee: for as a young man sets his way, hee will not departe [Page 113] from it when hee is olde, vnlesse by my spirit hee is restrained; him that God will haue, his roabe must bee a branch of the Almond, that is the tree that first blossomes, the first fruites was Abels sacrifice, so much acceptable to me.
O God, I am like the possessed, that was found after sitting in a good mind, that sweet wind hath come to me, that happened to Elisha, I haue felt that gentle calme, after the stormie tempest of my heart; now may I heare the golden trumpets sounding that ioyfull retrait, blessed are the [Page 114] meeke in spirit, Lord teach me thy commandements, & I will run them, I shall haue encrease of strength, vntill I come to the mount of God: while I was in my element of sinne, I felt not the weight of it, as nothing is heauie in his owne element: but now I by thy grace will lay aside euery waight, and the sin which doth so easily beset mee, & runne with patience to the race that is set before mee: Heb. 11. 1 I finde my selfe within the fadome of thy mercie, and compasse of things recouerable: the first worke of thy spirit at his comming, is to conuince the worlde of sinne, that is, to make men knowe, that without [Page 115] thy sonne Christ there is nothing but sinne, and then to rebuke the worlde of righteousnes, to make man see that Christ died not for his owne (for the prince of this worlde found nothing in him) but for our sinnes, that so we may see him in the lawe, with the wages thereof, and the summe in the gospell discharged: but good Lord, how shall I be assured that I am not vnder the curse, but vnder grace? for yet I finde such hardnesse in my heart, vnquietnesse and troubles in my spirit, my sins rebounded Psa. 51. 3 vpon mee with terrible fights, and fearfull visions which euer amazeth my vnsettled and wauering mind
The examination of thy sinnes, is that which first thou must begin with, and partly, those thou hast committed before thy calling, and partly, those that were done after thy calling; for these sinnes of knowledge, of all bite sorest, for sinne is most sinfull, when thou art intelligenced with my grace in the truth, sin after knowledge, workes either hardnesse of heart, or a troubled spirit, and therefore vnderstand that commonly, men before knowledge take the trouble of minde very heauily, and standing as if neuer any one had it [Page 117] before but they, and after knowledge, Satan is readie to accuse them of sinne against the holy Ghost, as if euery sin of knowledge was a sinne of presumption: but learne thou that when tentation ariseth, to trie whether thou hast done that sinne, or such like already; for these tentations, are either corrections for some Iob 20. 11 sinnes past, or punishment for sinne present, or as warning of sinnes to come: as thou may bee tempted to adultery, and not doe it, yet it commeth to thee againe, because thou repentest not for this same, or the like in thy youth cōmitted: again, when man will not bee admonished by publique or [Page 118] priuate meane, there falleth tentation to sinne, differing from that wherein thou doest, and presently my iustice punishing one sinne with another, as the not repenting couetous, to fall into adultery, theft, or blood: and last there may tentation come vpon, that neither hee before, nor presently, doth like of, to aduertise, he may fall, therein hereafter: Ier. 13. 11 and to signifie that mans standing is not of himselfe, & none standeth but by my grace: Fo as the girdle cleaueth vnto the loynes of man, so haue I tyed my children to mee.
Beside these inward trouarising [Page 119] in my heart, which afflicteth mee most, the fruite of my corruption: I am pinched with sundry & diuerse outward afflictions, which agrauates and augments my sorrowe, Lord thou knowest them well, I cannot finde the cause of them, for I liue as honest and quiet as any, and iniurious (to my knowledge) to no man in my calling.
Vnder any crosse, endeauour to haue a cleane conscience, to comfort thee with, that there is no spirituall cause of these afflictions in thee, but that thy sufferings, are either for the [Page 120] triall of thy faith, beeing assured that thou hast a good conscience in all Heb. 13. 18 things, blessed art thou that sufferest for righteousnesse sake: then feare not the wickeds feare, neither bee troubled but count it exceeding 1. Pet. 3. 14 ioy, when thou fal into diuerse temptations, that the tryall of thy faith bringeth forth patience, & let patience haue her perfect worke, that thou may bee perfect and intire, wanting nothing, that thou may say, O Lord, thou knowest, remember me, and visit mee, reuenge me of my Ier. 15. 15 persecutors, take mee not away in the continuance of thine anger, for thy sake I haue suffered rebuke, to [Page 121] such belongs the kingdome of heauen: for it is better Mat. 5. 10 if it be the will of God, that thou suffer for well doing, then for ill doing. Thou 1. Pet. 3. 17 maiest know and discerne hereof, by the sicknesse of thy heart, arising of the guiltinesse of sinne, which maketh thee suspect all thy waies: for the wicked man Iob 15. 20. is continually as one that trauelleth with childe, and the number of yeares is hid from the tyrant, a sound of feare is in his eares, and in his prosperity the destroyer shall come vpon him; for thus the wicked may say, the thing that I feared is come vpon mee, and the thing that I was affraid of is come vnto mee, I haue [Page 122] no peace, neither had I quietnesse, neithr had I rest, Iob. 3. 25 yet trouble is come; thus the sinners feare commeth like sudden desolation, and their destruction like a whirlewinde, for ease slayeth the foolish, and the prosperity of fooles destroieth them, impatient they are in aduersity, and proud in prosperitie; yet that they haue is as a bird in captiuitie, which beeing let loose will returne to her owne liberty againe: the righteous are escaped out of trouble, and the wicked shall Iob. 11. 18 come in his steed: yea the godly account that the afflictions of this present time, are not worthy of the Rom. 8. 18 glory which shall be shewed, [Page 123] when as the wicked man dieth, his hopes perisheth, all afflictions end Iob. 11. 1 in death, and can pursue the Saints no further, but I will bring an euerlasting reproach Ier. 23. 40 vpon the wicked, and a perpetuall shame which shall neuer bee forgotten; for sinne not beeing cured in this world, endeth not in death; for what was in hope recurable, finite, measurable here, becommeth in hell incurable, infinite, vnmeasurable; which makes the godly say, how excellent is thy mercie O God, therefore the children of men trust vnder the shadowe of thy Psa. 36. 7. 8 wings, they shall bee satisfied with the fulnesse of thy [Page 124] house, and thou shalt giue them drinke out of the riuer of thy pleasures, for with thee it is the well of life, and in my sight shall they see light, and yet neuerthelesse, for their manisolde good, and because I loue them, I chastise them: but the wicked are not in trouble as other men are, neither are they plagued as other men, and when they are raised vp, I will despise their image; but the godly are alwaies with me, I will holde them by my right hand, I will guide them by Psa. 73. 20 my counsaile, and and afterwardes receiue them to glorie.
Now I clearely perceiue Lord, my misery, from that corrupt fountaine in mee, O what a blessed estate haue I fallen from, what a woefull and miserable condition hath the transgression of Adam brought vpon mee, a generall infection and corruption, of all the powers and faculties of my soule and body, my soule (alas) spiritually [...], my minde through ignorance vaine in all the discourses and imaginations thereof, the vnderstanding blinde, not sauouring the things of God, my conscience wounded, and neuer soundly [Page 126] peaceable, my memorie fit to reckon euill, and forget good, my will altogether gaine-standing either to chuse or doe good, and my affection led by it, my conuersation loathsome to God and man, my thoughts both infinite and insatiable to euill, my members weapons of vnrighteousnesse, my best actions the greatest abhominations that minde can thinke, or tongue expresse. All the mischances of that hereditary pollution and actuall transgression which I am so propense and naturally willing vnto, as is the foule to flie, or the stone to goe downewarde, thou art I know a iust and righteous God, [Page 127] who will not iustifie sinners.
Be of good comfort, sin is transgression of the law, I haue decreed a remedy from all eternity, promised immediately after the fall, and exhibited in the fulnesse of time, my Son Iesus Gal. 4. 4 Christ to performe a full redemption for thee, and all the elect; which hee performed in obedience to mee the Father, in comming to redeeme and take thy nature vpon him, made obedient to the lawe in fulfilling it perfectly, which thou hadst broken, and in Esa. 53 vndergoing the punishment [Page 128] due vnto thee, in obedience I say, in humility at his natiuity Ro. 5 19 and whole life, suffering all the miseries that sin had drawne vpon thee, in his body, hunger, colde, pouerty, &c. in soule ignorance, Mat. 11. 13 temptation, faintnes, and then his death, the paines wee had deserued, but specially in his soule, griefe for the sinnes of the worlde, when hee pleadeth himselfe before my iudgement seate as guilty, for thee, who had neede of his Luk. 22. 44 owne creatures, the Angels to comfort him, withdrawing of the Diety for the present, my curse vpon him for sinne, the power of Sathan preuailing for a Gal. 3. 10 time, the horror of beeing [Page 129] ouerwhelmed with my heauy Mat. 27. 46 wrath for thee, his detaining vnder the power & Heb. 5. 7 sorrowes of death, these, and much more done in his humaine nature, accompanied Rom. 6. 6 with the merit and efficacie of the diuine nature, made them meritorious for thy saluation, beleeue in him, and thou shalt passe from death to life.
O well is mee, that the curse of the lawe is deriued from mee vnto Christ, that my nature beeing crusifyed with him, corruption in it may bee abolished, not to serue sinne hereafter, that hand writing of my sinne [Page 130] is cancelled, and shall not come to remembrance before thee, the spots of my soule purged by his blood, by the which, the eternall Heb. 14. 15 testimony of grace is ratefied vnto mee, now sin, and Heb. 9 death, and the diuell, that hath the rule of death, is destroyed: thou hast deere Ro. 6. 20 Iesus not onely not beene holden by the sorrowes of death, but also hath obtained a glorious conquest by thy resurrection, ouer all thy enemies, Satan, power of hell and sinne, in taking 1. Co. 15. 5 away his sting and guiltinesse, thereof, the rage and fury of the same in weakening Ro. 7. 24 the force, and eating out the corruption thereof, death it selfe also, and the Ro. 6. 21 [Page 131] dominion thereof by the same meanes are subdued, Ro. 5. 14 and in the place of these there is recouered vnto vs 2. Cor. 5 the fauour of our GOD whose children we are become in Iesus Christ, who Col. 1. 20 giueth faith, peace of conscience, and ioy in the holy 1. Ioh. 3. 1 Ghost, vnto them whereby they become fruitfull to all Ro. 5. 1 good works, and in the end ceasing from all sinne, by him do attaine eternall glorie in the heauens,
Yea and in heauen thou shalt be deliuered from all sorrow, haue perfect knowledge Ro. 7. 17 with me, perfect righteousnesse and holinesse neuer [Page 132] to be changed, fulnesse of ioy, immediate fruition Psa. 16 of, and coniunction with mee, perfect loue, triumph 1. Cor. 13. ouer all enemies, where I shall be all in all, crowning 1. Cor. 15 thee and all the elect with eternall happinesse & blisse 1. Pet. 1. 4 for enermore,
And the Lord shall deliuer mee from euery euill 2. Tim. 4 18 worke, and will preserue me vnto his heauenly kingdome, to whom be glory for euer and euer,
Amen.