ARISTIPPVS, OR THE IOVIALL PHILOSOPHER: Presented in a priuate Shew. To which is added, THE CONCEITED PEDLER.
LONDON. Printed for ROBERT ALLOT, MDCXXX.
THE PRAELVDIVM.
Shewes hauing beene long intermitted, and forbidden by authority for their abuses, could not be raised but by coniuring.
ARISTIPPVS.
SEcundum gradum compossibilitatis, & non secundum gradum incompossibilitatis. What should this Scotus meane by his possibilities & incompossibilities? my Cooper, Rider, Thomas, and Minshew are as farre to seeke as my selfe: not a word [Page 4] of compossibilitas or incompossibilitas is there. Well, I know what I'll doe. I haue heard of a great Philosopher: I'll try what he can doe; They call him Aristippus, Aristippus, Aristippus: sure a Philosophers name. But they say he lies at the Dolphin, and that me thinks is an ill signe: yet they say too, the best Philosophers of the towne neuer lye from thence: they say 'tis a Tauerne too; for my part I cannot tell, I know no part of the Towne but the Schooles and Aristotles Well: but since I am come thus farre, I will enquire: for this same compossibilitas and incompossibilitas sticks in my stomake.
What is this? the Dolphin? now verily it lookes like a Greene Fish: what's yonder Greeke too? Now surely it is the Philosophers Motto: Hippathi-happathi; aut disce, aut discede incontinenter, a very good disjunction.
Verily then Aristippus is duplex, Nominalis & Realis; or else the Philosopher liues like Diogenes in dolio: the President of Hogges-head Colledge: but I meane one Aristippus [Page 5] [...] the great Philosopher.
I know not what you meane by Losopher, but heere be Scholers in the house, I'll send them to you: Anon, anon Sir, I cannot be heere and there too. Anon, anon Sir.
This boy would haue put a fallacy vpon mee, in Interrogatione plurium. This boy is a meere Animal; ha, ha, he. He has not a jot of Language in him more then Anon, anon, Sir. O Giggleswicke, thou happy place of education! This poore wretch knowes not what a Philosopher meanes. To see the simplenesse of these people; They doe euer thing [...], and haue not a jot, not an inch of [...] in them. O what had become of mee, if I had not gone bare-foot to my Praeceptor, with a Satchell at my backe?
Certainly, there are Aristippus his Scholiers: Sir, pray can you resolue me what is Gradus compossibilitatis?
Compossibilitas? Why, that's nothing man, when you ne'r drinke beyond your poculum necessitatis, you are in gradu incompossibili to all good fellowship: Come, hang Scotus, wee'll lead you to Aristippus, one Epitome of his in quarto, is worth a volume of these Dunces.
O Gentlemen, you will binde mee to thanke you in Poculo Gratiarum. But what Philosophy doth hee read, and what houres doth he keepe?
None at all precisely, but indistinctly all: Night and day he powres forth his instructions, and fils you out of measure.
Hee'll make the eyes of your vnderstanding see double, and teach you to speake fluently, and vtter your minde in abundance.
More than all the Philosophers in the Towne besides. He neuer rests but is still cald for. Aristippus sayes one, Aristippus sayes another: He is generally ask'd for, yea, and by Doctors sometimes.
And as merry a man: There can be no Feast, but hee is sent for, and all the company are the merrier for him.
Did you but once heare him, you would so loue his company, you would neuer after endure to stand alone.
Wee will, braue boy: and when you haue seene him, youle thinke your selfe in another world, and scorne to bee your owne man any longer.
Why truely his price hath been raised of late, and his very name makes him the dearer.
A diligent Lecturer deserues eight pence a Pinte tuition: Nay, if you will learne any thing, Schollerships must be paid for. Academicall Simonie is lawfull: Nay did you euer heare of a good Preacher in a fat Benefice, vnlesse his purse were the leaner for it? Make much of him, for wee shall haue no more such in haste.
The Vniuersity Ramist, a Mault Heretique; alias the [Page 7] Wilde man that is grown mad to see the daily resort to Aristippus: but let vs leaue him to his frenzi [...].
Braines, wits, senses, all slie hence: let fooles liue limed in Cages: I am the Wilde-man, and I will be wilde: is this an age to be in a mans right wits, when the lawfull vse of the throat is so much neglected, and strong drinke lies sicke on his death-bed? 'Tis aboue the patience of a Malt-horse, to see the contempt of Barly, and not run mad vpon't. This is Aristippus, Aristippus, now a Diuell or two take his rednos'd Philosophy: 'Tis he, my beere, that has vowed thee to the Vinegar-bottle; but I'll be reuenged: when next I meet him, I'll twist and twitch his bush-beard from his Tauerne face: 'Tis not his hypathie happithi can carry him out. Let him looke to bee sound [...]er dash'd by mee, then euer hee was by Dr [...]wer for his impudence. I'll teach my Spanish Don a French tricke, I'll either plague him with a Poxe, or haue some Claret whore burne him for an heretique, and make him challenge acquaintance of M [...]ld-Sack [...]: If he was not either sent hither from the Britch Politique, or be not imployed by Spinola to seduce the Kings lawfull Subiects from their allegiance to strong Beere, let me hold vp my hand at the barre, and be hanged at my Signe-post, if hee had not a hand in the Powder-treason! Well, I say nothing, but hee has blowne vp good store of men in his dayes, house and land and all. If they take no order with him here in the Vniuersity, the poore Coūtry were as good haue the man in the Moone for their Pastor, as a Scholler. They are all so infected with Aristippus his Arminianisme, they can preach no [Page 8] Doctrine but Sacke and red Noses. As for the Wilde-man, they haue made him horne-mad already.
Heighday, there goes the Hunts-vp: this is the Mandrakes voyce that vndoe's me: you may heare him in faith. This is the Deuill of his that goes vp and downe like a roaring-Sheeps-head to gather his Pewter Librarie. I'll fit him I faith.
Now you Calues-skin impudence, I'll thresh your Iacket.
What a coyl's heere? what fellowe's that? hee lookes like a mad hogs-head of March-beere that had run out, and threatned a deluge: what is hee?
O'tis the Wilde-man sir! a zealous brother that stands vp against the persecution of Barly-broth, and will maintaine it a degree aboue the reputation of Aquavitae.
I haue heard him sweare by his horaoctaua, that Sacke and Rosa Solis is but Water-grewell to it.
O art thou there, Saint Dunstar? thou hast vndone me, thou cursed Fryer Bacon, thou hellish Merlin: but I'll be reuenged vpon thee. 'Tis not your Mephostopho is, nor any other spirits of Rubie or Carbuncle, that you can raise, nor your good father in law Doctor Faustus, that coniures so many of vs into your Wiues Circle, that with all their Magique, he shall secure you from my rage, you haue set a Spell for any mans coming into my house now.
Why, none of my credit hath choked vp your doores.
But thou hast bewitched my threshold, disturbed my house, and I'll haue thee hang'd in Gibbets for murthering my Beere: I'll haue thee tryed by a Iurie of Tapsters, and hang'd in Anon anon Sir, thou dismall and disastrous Coniurer.
Why dost thou call mee Coniurer? I send no Fairies to pinch you, or Elues to molest you: has Robin Good fellow troubled you so much of late? I scarce beleeue it, for I am sure, since Sacke and I came to towne, your house hath not beene so much haunted.
I'll put out thine eyes, Don Canario, I'll scratch thee to atomes, thou Spanish Guzman.
If hee and his Beere will not be quiet, draw vm both out.
Yet I'll be reuenged, you raskall, I do not feare the Spanish Inquisition, I'll runne to the Councell, and betray thy villany; I'll carry thee bound for a Traitor: but for you Sir, we had taken Cales, and might afterwards haue conquered Lisbon, and Siuill. You notorious villaine, I knew thee for a Rogue at first, thy Ruffe look't so like the Moone Crescent in 88. thy very breath is inuincible, and stinckes of an Armado.
Kicke him out of the presence, his company will metamorphose vs to balderdash.
Well Diogen [...]s, you were best keepe close in your tubbe, I'll be reueng'd on you; I'll complaine on you for keeping ill houres, I suffer noue after eight, by Saint Iohus, not I.
Well Domine, though the hora octaua be not come, yet you may be gone.
Come Pupill, haue you any minde to study my Philosophy?
Yes Mehercule Sir, for I haue alwaies accounted Philosophy to be omnibus rebus ordine, natura, Tempore, honore prius; and these Schoolmen haue so pusled me, & my Dictionaries, that I despaire of vnderstāding them either in summo gradu, or remisso. I lay sicke of an Ha [...]ceitas, a fortnight, and could not sleepe a wink for't; therefore good Sir teach me us [...], as you can, and pray let it be Conceptis vorbis, and exmente Philosophi.
I warrant thee a good proficient, but ere you can be admitted to my Lectures, you must be matriculated, and haue your name recorded in A [...]b [...] Academic.
With all my heart Sir, and totaliter, for I haue as great a minde as materia pri [...] to be informed with your instructions.
Giue him the oath.
Lay your hand on the booke.
Will tactus virtualis serue the turne Sir?
No▪ it must be reale quid, & extra intellectum.
Well Sir, I will doe it qu [...]ad poten [...]iam obedientialem.
First, you must sweare to defend the honour of Aristippus, to the disgrace of Brewers, Alewiues, & Tapsters, and professe your selfe a foe [...], to Maltmen, Tapsters, and red Lettices.
Kisse the booke.
Next, you shall sweare to obserue the customes and ordinances instituted and ordained by an Act of Parliament in the raigne of King Sigebert, for the establishing of good gouernment in the ancient foundation of M [...]er Colledge.
Kisse the booke.
I Sir, Secundum veritatem intrinsecam, & non equiu [...]ce.
That you keepe all acts and meetings, tam priuatim, in priuate houses, quam publice, in the Dolphin Schooles: that you dispute in tenebris, yet be not asleepe at reckonings: but alwaies and euery where shew your selfe so diligent in drinking, that the Proctor may haue no iust cause to suspend you for negligence.
Kisse the booke.
Lastly, that you neuer walke into the Towne, without your habit of drinking, the Fudling Cap, and casting Hood; especially when there is a Conuocation, and of all things take heede of running to the Assizes.
Is this the end, I pray you Sir, is this the Finis? [...]
It is vltimum Sir.
How pray you Sir, intentione, or executione?
[...], that followes the Assizes.
But me thinkes there is one Scrupulum, it seemes to be actus illicitus, that we should drinke so much, it being lately forbidden, and therefore Contra formam statuti.
I but therefore you are sworne to keepe customes, Non omnino secundum formam statuti.
What, haue you inrolled him in Albo? haue you fully admitted him into the societie, to be a member of the body Academicke?
Yes Sir, I am one of your Pupils now, vnitate n [...]erica, we haue made an end of it, secundum vltimum Complementum, & actualitatem.
Well then, giue the attendance.
Most graue audience, considering how they thirst after my Philosophie, I am iuduced to let you taste the benefit of my knowledge, which cannot but please a iudicious pallat: for the rest I expell them my Schooles, as fitter to heare Thales, and drinke Water.
We will attend Sir, and that bibulis auribus,
The many errours that haue crept into the science, to distract the curious Reader, are sp [...]ung from no other causes, then small Beere, and sober sleepes; whereas were the laudable custome of Sack drinking better studied, we should haue fewer Gownes, and more Schollers.
A good note, for wee cannot see wood for trees, nor Schollers for Gownes.
Now the whole Vniuersitie is full of your honest Fellowes, that breaking loose from a Yorkeshire Belfrey, haue walked to Cambridge with Satchels on their shoulders: these you shall haue them study hard for foure or fiue yeeres, to returne home more fooles then they came; the reason whereof, is drinking Colledge taplash, that will let them haue no more learning, then they size; nor a drop of wit more then [Page 12] the Buttler sets on their heads.
'Twere charity in him to sconce'vm soundly, they would haue but a poore Quantum else.
Others there be that spend their whole liues in Athen [...], to die as wise as they were borne; who as they brought no wit into the world, so in honesty they wil carry none out on't. 'Tis Beere that drownes the soules in their bodies: H [...] sons Cakes, & Paix his Ale hath frothed their braines: hence is the whole tribe contemned, euery Prentice can ieere at their braue Cassockes, and laugh the Veluet Caps out of countenance.
And would it not anger a man of Art to be the scorne of a what lake you Sir?
'Tis Beere that makes you so ridiculous in all your behauiour: hence comes the Bridelike simpering at a Iustice of Peace his Table, and the not eating methodically, when being laughed at, you shew your teeth, blush, and excuse it with a Rhetoricall Husteron Proteron.
'Tis very true, I haue done the like my selfe, till I haue had a disgrace for my Mittimus.
'Tis Beere that hath putrified our Horsmanship, for that you cannot ride to Ware, or to Barkway, but your Hackneyes sides must witnesse your iourneyes. A Lawyers Clarke, or an Innes a Court Gentleman that hath bene fed with false Latine, and Pudding Pye, contemne you as if you had not learning enough to confute a Nou [...]rint vniuersi.
Per prasentes me Simplicium.
If you discourse but a little while with a Courtier, you presently betray your learned Ignorance, answering him he concludes not Syllogistically, and asking him in what Mood and figure he sp [...]akes in, as if Learning were not as much out of fashion at Court, as clothes at Cambridge. Nor can you entertaine discourse with a Lady, without endangering the halfe of your Buttons; all these, and a thousand such errors, are the friends of Beere, that nurse of Barbarisme, and foe to Philosophy.
Oh I am rauished with this admirall Metaphysicall [Page 13] Lecture, if euer I drinke Beere againe, let me turne ciuil Lawyer, or be powdred vp in one of Luthers barrels, pray lend me the booke againe, that I may forsweare it. Fie vpon it, I could loue Sir Gyles for presenting those notorious Alewiues. Oh, Aristippus, Aristippus, thou art equally diuine [...] the only father of Quodlibets, the Prince of Formalities, I aske my Starres whose influence doth gouerne this [...]rbem sublunarem, that I may liue with thee, and die like the royall Duke of Clarence, who was sowsed vp to immortality in a But of Malmesey.
You interrupt him Sir, too much in his Lecture, and preuent your eares of their hoppinesse.
Oh heauens, I could heare him, ad [...]ternitatem, and that [...]àm à parte ante quàm à parte post. O proceed, proceed, thy instructions are meere. Orthodoxall, thy Philosophy canonicall, I will study thy scieutiam both speculatiuam & practicam. Pray let me once more forsweare the pollution of Beere, for it is an abominable heretique, I'll be his perfect enemy, till I make him and bottle-Ale flie the Country.
But Sacke is the life, soule, and spirits of a man, the fire which Prometheus stole, not from Ioues Kitchin, but his Wine-Cellour, to increase the natiue heat and radicall moysture, without which, we are but drousie dust, or dead clay: this is Nectar, the very Nepenthe the gods were drunk with, 'tis this that gaue Ganymede, beauty, Hebe youth, to Ioue his heauen and eternity; doe you thinke Aristotle dranke Perry, or Plato Cyder? doe you thinke Alexander had euer conquerd the world, if he had bin sober? he knew the force & valour of Sacke, that it was the best armour, the best encouragement, and that none could be a good Commander, that was not double drunke, with Wine and Ambition.
Onely heer's the difference: Ambition makes them rise, and Wine makes them fall.
Therefore the Garrisons are all drinking Scholes, the Souldiers trained vp to the mustering of pewter pots daily, learning to co [...]temne death, by accustoming to be deaddrunke: scarres doe not so well become a Captaine, as Carbuncles. [Page 14] A red nose is the grace of a Serieant Maior, and they vnworthy the place of Ancients that haue not good colours, the best shot to be discharg'd is the Tauerne bill, the best Alarum is the sounding of healths, and the most absolute March is reeling.
And the best Artillery yard is the Dolphin.
Thus you may easily perceiue the profit of Sack in military discipline, for that it may iustly seem to haue taken the name of Sacke from sacking of Cities.
Oh wonderfull, wonderfull Philosophie [...] If I bee a coward any longer, let me sweare a little to drink Sack, for I will be as valiant as any of the Knights Errant: I perceiue it was onely culpa ignorantiae, not pra [...]ae disposition [...]s that made me a coward: but O Enthusiastique, rare, Angelicall Philosophie, I will be a Souldier, a Scholler, and euery thing, I will hereafter nec peccare in mat [...]rid, nec informd. Beere, raskally Beere was the first parent of Sophisters, and the fallacies: But proceed, my Pythagoras, my ipse dixit of Philosophy.
Next, it is the only Elixar of Philosophie, the very Philosophers stone, able, if studied by a yong Heire, mu [...]drererum specus, to change his House, Lands, Liuings, Tenc [...]ents, and Liueries into aurum potabile: So that though his Lordships be the f [...]wer for't, his manners shal be the more; whose L [...]nds being dissolued into Sack, must needs make his soule more capable of diuine meditation, he being almost in the state of separation, by being purg'd, and freed from so much earth.
Therefore why should a man trouble himselfe with so much earth? he is the best Philosopher, that can omnia sua secum portare.
And since it is the nature of light things to ascend, what better way, or more agreeing to nature can bee inuented, whereby we might ascend to the height of knowledge, then a light head? A light head being as it were allied with heauen, first found out, that the motion of the orbs was circular like to its owne, which motions, teste Arist [...]tele, first found that intelligence: so that I conclude all intelligence, intellect, [Page 15] and vnderstanding to be the inuention of Sacke, and a light head; what mists of errour had cloaded Philosophy, till the neuer sufficiently praised Copernicus found out that the earth was moued, which he could neuer haue done, had hee not been instructed by Sacke, and a light head?
Hang mee then when I turne graue.
This is the Philosophy, the great Stagirite read to his Pupill, Alexander, wherein how great a proficient he was, I call the faith of History to witnesse.
'Tis true, per sidem Historicam, for I haue read how when he had vanquished the whole world in drinke, that he wept there was no more to conquer.
Now, to make our demonstration to proue, no wine, no Philosophy, is that admirable Axiome, in vino veritas, and you know that Sack and truth are the onely Buts which Philosophy aymes at.
And the Hogshead is that puteus Democriti, from whence they might both be drawne.
Sack, Clarret, Malmsey, White-wine and Hipocras are your fiue Predicables, and Tobacco your indiuiduum, your Money is your substance, full cups your quantity, good wine your quality, your Relation is in good company, your action is beating, which produceth another predicament in the Drawers, called passion, your quando is midnight, your v [...]i the Dolphin, your situ [...] leaning, your habitus carousing, afterclaps are your post predicaments, your priorums breaking of iests, your post [...]riorums of glasses, false bils are your fallacies, the shot is subtili [...] obiectio, and the discharging of it is, verasolutio, seuerall humors are your moodes, and figures, where quarta sigura, or gallons must not be neglected, your drinking is Syllogismes, where a pottle is the maior terminus, and a pinte the minor, a quart the medium, beginning of healths are the premises, and pledging the conclusion, for it must not be diuided, Topicks or common places are the Ta [...]ernes, and Hamon, Wolfe, and Farlowes are the three best Tutors in Vniuersities.
And if I be not entred, and haue my name admitted [Page 16] into some of their bookes, let forma misti bee beaten out of mee.
To perswade the Vintner to trust you, is good Rhetoricke, and the best figure is Synechdoche to pay part for the whole, to drinke aboue measure, is a Science beyond Geometry, falling back-ward is star-gazing, and no lacobs Staffe comparable to a Tobacco pipe, the sweet harmony of good-fellowship, with now and then a discord, is your excellent musicke, Sacke it selfe is your Grammar, sobriety a meer solecisme, and Latine be it true, or be it false, a very cudgell to your Priscianus pa [...]es, the r [...]ckoning is Arithmetique enough, a receipt of full cups are the best physick to procure vemit, and forget [...]ing of debts an art of memory; and heere you haue an Encuelopoedia of Sciences, whose method being circular, can neuer be so well learned, as when your head runnes round.
If mine haue any other motion, it shall be pr [...]ter naturam, I, and contra too, if I li [...]e: I like that art of musicke wondrous well, life is not life without it; for what is life but an harmonious lesson, play'd by the soule vpon the Organs of the body. O witty sentence! I am mad already, I see the immortality, ha braue Aristippus: but in Poetry, 'tis the sole predominant quality, the sap and juyce of a verse, yea, the spring of the Muses is the fountaine of Sacke, for to thinke Helicon a bartell of Beere, is as great a sinne, as to call Pegasus a Brewers Horse.
I know some of these halfe-penny Almanack makers doe not approue of this philosophy, but giue you most abominable counsell in their Beggers Rhymes, which you are bound to beleeues as faithfully, as their predictions of foule and faire weather, you shal heare some of Erra Paters Poetry.
For your often potations much crudities cause, by hindring the course of mother Natures lawes, therefore he that desireth to liue till October, ought to be drunke in Iuly, but I hold it to be a great deale better that hee went to bed sober. And let him alone, thou man in the Moone, yet had'st thou but read a leafe in this admired Author, this aureum flumen, this torrens cloquentiae, thou would'st haue scorn'd to haue bin of the water Poets Tribe, or Skeltons family, but thou hast neuer tasted better Nectar than out of Fennors Wassaile Bowle, which hath so transformed him, that his eyes looke like two Tunnels, his nose like a Fausset with the Spicket out, and therefore continually dropping: the Almanackemakers, and Physicians are alike grand enemies of Sacke, as for Physicians being fooles, I cannot blame them if they neglect Wine, and minister simples, but if I meete with you, I'll teach you another receipt.
Why meet him Tutor? you may easily meet him. I know him Sir, & cognitione distinctâ & confu [...]â I warrant you, doe you not smell him Tutor? I know who made this Almanack against drinking Sacke? ha Stroffe? haue I found you Stroffe? you will shew your selfe, I see, when all is done, to be but a Brewers Clarke.
But farre better speaks the diuine Ennius against your Ale, and Barly-broth, who knew too full well the vertue of Sacke, when Nunquam [...]isi potus ad arma prosiluit dicenda; his verses are in Latine, but because the audience are Schollers, I haue translated them into English, that they may be vnderstood. Heere read them.
But aboue the wit of humanity, the diuine Virgil hath extol'd the Encomium of Sacke in these verses.
Thus resting in the opinion of that admirable Poet, I make this draught of Sacke, this Lectures period.
Dixi, dost thou say? I, and I'll warrant thee the best Dixi in Cambridge: who would sit poring on the learned Barbarisme of the Scholemen, that by one of thy Lectures might confute them all, pro & con? I begin to ha [...]e distinction, & actualiter, & habitualiter, yet a poxe to see, I cannot leaue them, nec principaliter, nec formaliter; yet I begin to loue the Foxe better than subtilnesse. Oh Tutor, Tutor, well might Foxe be a Colledge Porter, that hee might open the Gates to none but thy Pupils: come fellow Pupils, if I did not loue you, I were [...], and an absurdity in the abstract; Let's practise, let's practise, for I'll [...]ollow the steps of my Tutor night and day: by this Sacke, I shall loue this Philosophy: before I heard this Lecture, Bankes his Horse was an Aristotle; in comparison of me: I can laugh to thinke what a foolish Simpli [...]us I was this morning, and how learn [...]dly I shall sleepe to night.
Sleep to night! why? that's no point of our Philosophy; we must sit vp late, and roare till we rattle the Welkin: Sleepe! what haue we to doe with deaths Cater-cousin? doe you thinke Nature gaue starres to sleepe by? haue you not day enough to sleepe in, but you must sleepe in the night too? 'tis an arrant Paradox.
A Paradox? let me be crampt if I sleepe then, but what, must we sleepe in the day then?
Yes, in the morning.
And why in the morning?
Why, a poxe of the morning, what haue we to [Page 20] doe with the sober time of the day?
'Tis true, I see, we may learne something of our fellow Pupils, and what must wee doe now, fellow pupils? What must wee doe now?
Why? conferre our notes.
What is that?
Why? conferring of notes, is drinking off cups, halfe pots are saying of parts, and the singing of Catches is our repetition.
Fellow Pupill, I'll conferre a note with you.
Gramercy braue lad, and it's a good one, an excellent Criticisme; I would not haue lost it for Eustathius and his Bishopricke, it's a generall rule, and true without exception.
Fellow Pupill, I'll conferre a note with you too.
Faith, let mee haue it, let's share and share like boone Rascals.
I'll say my part to you both.
By my troath, and you haue a good memory, you haue con'd it quickly Sir.
But what shall we haue for repetitions now?
I, what for repetitions?
Why the Catch against the Schoolemen in praise of our Tutor Aristippus: Can you sing Simplicius?
How begins it pray you?
Aristippus is better.
O God Sir, when I was in the state of ignorance, I co [...]'d it without booke, thinking it had been a Position.
There they be, now for the valour of Brewers, knocke um soundly, the old Rogue, that's hee, doe you not see him there? soundly, soundly, let him know what Champions good Beere has.
Now let them know that Beere is too strong for them, and let me be hang'd, if euer I be milder to such Rascals, they shall find these but st [...]le courtesies, He findes Po [...]s. How now? what's her [...]? the learned Library, the Philosophicall volumes: these are the bookes of the black-Art; I hate them worse than Bellarmine, the golden Legend, or the Turkish Alcharon. I wonder what vertue is in this p [...]w [...]er-faced Authour, that it should make euery one fall into loue with it so deeply: I' [...]l trie if I can find any Philiru [...], Hee findes empty Papers. any loue-potion in 't: by my Domine not a drop; O stultum ingeniur [...] hominum, to delight in such vanitie [...]! Sure these are Comments vpon Tobacco, drie and j [...]icelesse vanities. I'll trie againe, by my bonafide, but this doth relish some learning, still better, an admirable witty rogue, a very flash. I'l turne another leafe, still better, has he any more Authors like this? what's here, Aristippus? a most incomparable Authour, O Bodly, Bodly, thou hast not such a booke in all thy Library, heer's one line worth the whole Vatican. O Aristippus, would my braines had beene broken out when I broched thy hogs-head: O curst Brewers, and most accursed am I, to wrong so learned a Philosopher as Aristippu [...]? what penance is enough to cleare me from this impardonable offence? twenty purgations are too little; I'll suck vp all my Beere in Toasts to appease him, and afterwards liue by my Wife and Hackneyes. Oh, that I had neuer vndertooke this selling of Beere, I might haue kept my house with Fellowes Commons, and neuer haue come to this: But now I am a Wild-man, and my house a Bedlam: Aristippus, Aristippus, Aristippus.
How now neighbour Wild-man?
O Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I doe for thee, Aristippus?
What extasie is this?
O Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I doe for thee Aristippus?
Why neighbour Wilde-man, disclose your griefes to me, I am a Surgeon, and perchance may cure vm?
O cry you mercy, you are the welcommest man on earth, Sir Signior Medico de campo, the welcmomest man liuing, the only man I could haue wished for, O Aristippus, Aristippus.
Why what's the matter, neighbour? O I heare he has seduced away your Parishioners, is this the cause of your Lamentation?
O no Sir, a learned Philosopher, one that I loue with my soule: but in my rage I cannot tell you Sir, 'tis a dismall tale, the sharpest Razor in your shop would turne edge at it.
Neuer feare it, I haue one was sent from a— faith I cannot thinke on's name, a great Emperour, hee that I did the great cure on, you haue heard on't I am sure: I fetched his head from China, after it had beene there a fortnight buried, and set it on his shoulders againe, and made him as liuely, as euer I saw him in my life; and yet to see I should not thinke on's name. O I haue it now, Prester Iohn, a poxe on't, Prester Iohn, 'twas hee, hee, I faith, 'twas Prester Iohn; I might haue had his Daughter if I had not been a foole; and haue liu'd like a Prince all the daies of my life; nay, and perchance haue inherited the Crowne after his death; but a poxe on't, her lips were too thicke for me, and that I should not thinke on Prester Iohn.
O Aristippus, Aristippus, poxe on your Prester Iohn Sir, will you thinke on Aristippus?
What should I doe with him?
Why? in my rage Sir, I haue almost killed him, and now would haue you cure him in sober sadnesse.
Why call him out Sir.
Sir, yonder comes one of his Pupils.
Salue M r. Simplicius.
Salue me, 'tis but a Surgeons complement, Signior Medico de Campo; but you are welcome Sir, my Tutor wants helpe. Are you there you Vsquebaugh Rascall, with your Metheglin iuyce? I'll teach you Sir to breake a Philosophers pate; I'll make you leaue your distinctions as well as I haue done.
O pardon, pardon me, I repent Sir heartily, O Aristippus, Aristippus, I haue broken thy head, Aristippus, but I'll giue thee a plaister, Aristippus, Aristippus.
I pray Sir bring him out in his Chaire, and if the house can furnish you with Barbers prouision, let all bee in readinesse.
Pray Sir doe you thinke you can cure him?
Him? why neighbour, doe you not remember the Thumbe?
What of the Thumbe? I haue not heard of it as yet Sir.
Why the Thumbe, the Thumbe, doe you not know the cure of the Thumbe?
No Sir, but I pray tell the cure of the Thumbe, doe you still remember't Sir.
Remember't? I, and perfectly, I haue it at my fingers end, and thus it is. Two Gentlemen were fighting, one lost his Thumbe, I bychance comming by, tooke it vp, put it in my pocket, some two moneths after, meeting the Gentleman, I set on his Thumbe againe; and if he were now in Cambridge, I could haue his hand to shew for't: why did you ne'r heare of the Thumbe Sir? 'tis strange you neuer heard mee speake of the Thumbe Sir.
Signior de Medico Campo, if you haue any art or skill, shew it now, you neuer had a more deseruing Patient.
Yet I haue had many, and royall ones too; I haue done Cures beyond Seas, that will not be beleeued in England.
Very likely so, and Cures in England, that will not be beleeued beyond seas, nor here neither, for in this kinde, halfe the world are infidels.
The great Turke can witnesse, I am sure, the eyes that he weares, are of my making.
Hee was then an eye-witnesse: but I hope hee weares spectacles, Signior.
Why, won't you beleeue it? why I tell you I am able to say't, I saw't, I saw't my selfe, I cur'd the King of Poland of a Wart on's nose, and Bethlem Gaber of a Ringworme.
The one with raw Beefe, and the other with Inkehornes.
Poxe of your old Wi [...]es medicines; the worst of mine Ingredients is an Vnicornes Horne, and a Bezars stone: Raw Beefe and Inkehornes! Why, I cur'd Sherley in the Grand Sophies Court in Persia, when he had bin twice shot through with Ordinance, and had two bullets in each thigh, and so quickly, that he was able at night to lie with his wife the Sophies neece, and beget a whole Church of Christians; and could this haue beene done with Raw Beefe and Inkehornes?
No sure, this could not haue beene done without Egges and Greene-sauce, or an Oatmeale Poultice at least.
The King of Russia had dyed of the wormes, but for a powder I sent him.
Some of that you meane, that stucke on the bullet which you tooke out of Sherleyes legges.
In the siege of Ostend, I gaue the Dutchesse of Austria a receipt to keepe her Smocke from being animated, when shee had not shifted it of a tweluemoneth.
Beleeue mee, and that was a Cure beyond Scoggins Fleas.
I am able by the vertue of one Salue, to heale all the wounds and breaches in Bohemia.
I, and cloze vp the Bung-hole in the great Tub at Heidlebergh, I warrant you.
I cur'd the state of Venice of a Dropsie, the Low-Countries of a Lethargie, and if it had not been treason, I had cur'd the Fistula, that it shuld haue dropt no more then your nose. By one Dramme on a knifes point, I restored Mansfield to his full strength and forces, when he had no men left, but was onely skin and bones. I made an Arme for Brunswicke, with so great art and skill, as nature her selfe could not haue mended it; which had it not come too late, and after his death, would haue done him as much seruice as that which was shot off.
I easily beleeue that I faith.
I could make a Purgation, that should so scoure the Seas, that neuer a Dunkerke durst shew his head.
By my faith, and that would bee a good State Glister.
I haue done as great wonders as these, when I extracted as much chastity from a Sanctimony in the English Nunnery, as cur'd the Pope of his lechery.
And yet had as much left, as seru'd fiue Cardinals on Fasting-dayes.
And there was no man in the Realme of France, either French or Spanish or Italian Doctors, but my selfe, that durst vndertake the King of France his Cornes, and afterwards hauing cur'd him, I dranke a health to him.
Would we had the pledging on't. O happy man that hast conferred a note with the King of France!
And doe you seeme to misdoubt my skill, and speake of my Art with ifs and ands? Doe you take mee for [Page 27] a Mountebank? and hath mine owne tongue beene so silent in my praise, that you haue not heard of my skill?
No, pardon vs Signior, onely the danger our Tutor is in, makes vs so suspitious; we know your skill Sir, we haue heard Spaine and your owne tongue speake loud on't, we know besides, that you are a Trauailer, and therefore giue you leaue to relate your words with authority.
Danger? what danger can there be, when I am his Surgeon?
His head Sir is so wondrously bruised, 'tis almost past cure.
Why, what if he had neuer an head? am not I able to make him one? or if it were beaten to atomes, I could set it together, as perfectly as in the wombe.
Beleeue me neighbour, but that would be as great a wonder, as the Thumbe, or Prester Iohns head.
Why? I'll tell you Sir, what I did, a farre greater wonder then any of these, I was a Trauailer.
There is no such great wonder in that, but what may be beleeued.
And another friend of mine trauailed with me, and to be short, I came into the Country of Cannibals, where missing my friend, I ran to seeke him, and came at last into a Land where I saw a company feeding on him, they had eaten halfe of him, I was very pensiue at his misfortune, or rather mine▪ at last I bethought me of a powder that I had about me, I put it into their wine, they had no sooner drank of it, but they presently disgorged their stomacks, and fell asleep; I Sir, gathered vp the miserable morsels of my friend, placed them together, and restored him to be a perfect man againe; and if he were here still aliue, he were able to witnesse it himselfe, and doe you thinke I cannot cure a ten-groates dammage, or a crackt Crowne.
Good Signior make no such delay, cure him, and haue one wonder more to fill vp your Legend.
Here hold the Bason, you the Napkins, and you M r Simplicius t [...]e Boxes, how shall we do to lay his feete vpon? [Page 28] By my troth Sir, he is wonderfully hurt, his piam [...]ter I perceiue is cleane out of ioynt; of the 20. bones of the Cranium there is but three onely whole, the rest are miserably crushed and broken, and two of his Sutures are cleane perished, onely the Sagitall remaines free from violence, the foure Tunicates of his eyes are thred-bare, the Meninx of his [...]are is like a cut Drum, and the hammers lost: there is not a Ca [...]tilago in his head worth three pence, the top of his nose is dropt away, there is not a Muskle left in the Cauities of his Nostrils, his dentes molares are past grinding, his Pa [...]et is lost, and with it his gurgulio, yet if he can swallow, I warrant his drinking safe: helpe open his mouth. So, so, his throat is sound: he's well I warrant you; now giue him a cup of Sack: so let me chafe his Temples, put this powder into another glasse of Sacke, and my life for his, he is as sound as the best of vs all: let downe his legs. How doe you Sir?
Why as young as the Morning, all life, and soule, not a dra [...] of body; I am newly come backe from hell, and haue seene so many of my acquaintance there, that I wonder whose Art hath restored me to life againe.
The Catholique Bishop of Barbers, the very Metropolitan of Surgeons, Signior de Medico Campo.
One that hath ingross'd all Arts to himselfe, as if he had the Monopoly.
The onely Hospitall of soares.
And Spittle-house of infirmities, Signior de Medico Campo.
One that is able to vndoe the Company of Barbersurgeons, and Colledge of Physicians, by making al diseases fly the Country.
Yea, he is able to giue his skill to whom he please, by Act of deede, or bequeath it by Legacy, but he is determined as yet to intaile it to his heires males for euer.
Sir, death it selfe dares not anger him, for feare he should begger the Sextons by suffering no graue to bee made, he can chuse whether any shall dye or no.
And he do's't with such celerity, that a hundred [Page 29] peeces of Ordinance in a pitch'd field, could not in a whole day make worke enough to imploy him an houre; you owe him your life Sir, I'll assure you.
Sir I doe owe you my life, and all that is mine: thinke of any thing that lyeth in the compasse of my Philosophy, and 'tis your owne.
I haue gold enough Sir, and Philosophy enough, for my house is paued with Philosophers stones, mine only desire is, that you forgiue the rage of this wildeman, who is heartily sorry for his offence to you.
O reuerend Philosopher, and Alchimy of vnderstanding, thou very Sack of Sciences, thou noble Spaniard, thou Catholique Monarch of Wines, Archduke of Canary, Emperour of the sacred Sherry, pardon me, pardon my rudenesse, and I will forsweare that Dutch heresie of English Beere, and the witchcraft of Middletons water, I'll turne my selfe into a Gowne, and be a profest disciple of Aristippus.
Giue him a Gowne then, ere we admit him to our Lecture hereafter. Now noble Signior Medico de Campo, if you will walke in, let's be very iouiall and merry, 'tis my second birth-day, let's in, and drinke a health to the company.
Heark, they are drinking your healths, within, and I must haue it too, I am only left here to offer my supplicat to you, that my grace may passe, and then if I may but commence in your approbation, I will take a degree in drinking, and because I am turn'd a iouiall mad raskall, I haue a great desire to be a Midsummer Batch'lor, I was onely stay'd to aske your leaues to goe out.
THE PEDLER, AS IT WAS PRESENTED IN A STRANGE SHOVV.
Generous Gentlemen,
SVch is my affection to Phoebus, and the ninety nine Mu [...]es, that for the benefit of this royall Vniuersity, I haue strodled ouer three of the terrestriall globes with my Geometricall rambling, vid [...]licet, the Asia of the Dolphin, the Afrique of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the terra incognita, of many an Ale-house. And all for your sakes, whom I know to be the diuine brats of Helicon, the lawfull begotten bastards of the thrice three sisters, the learned, filly-foales to Mounsier Pegasus, Archhackney to the students of Parnassus: Therefore I charge you by the seuen deadly Sciences, which you more study than the three and foure liberall sinnes, that your ha, ha, he's may be recompence of my ridiculous endeauours.
I haue beene long in trauell, but if your laughter giue my Embryon iests but safe deliuerance, I dare maintaine it in the throat of Europ, Iero [...]imo rising from his naked bed, was not so good a Midwife.
But I see you haue a great desire to know what profession I [Page 32] am of: first, therefore heare what I am not. I am not a Lawyer, for I hope you see no Buckram honesty about me, and I sweare by these sweet lips, my breath stinks not of any State actions: I am no souldier, although my heeles be better than my hands: by the whips of Mars and Bellona, I could neuer endure the smell of salt-Peter since the last Gunpowder treason: the voyce of a Mandrake to me, is sweeter musick than those Maximes of warres, those terrible Cannons; I am no Townsman, vnlesse there be rutting in Cambridge, for you see my head without hornes; I am no Alderman, for I speak true English; I am no Iustice of peace, for I sweare by the honesty of a Mittimus, the venerable Bench neuer kist my worshipful Buttocks; I am no Alchymist, for though I am poore, I haue not broke out my braines against the Philosophers stone; I am no Lord, and yet me thinks I should, for I haue no Lands; I am no Knight, and yet I haue as empty pockets as the proudest of them all; I am no Landlord, but to Tenants at will; I am no Inns of Court Gentleman, for I haue not been stewed throughly at the Temple, though I haue beene halfe codled at Cambridg [...]; Now doe you expect that I should say I am a Scholler, but I thanke my starres, I haue more wit than so; why, I am not mad yet? I hope my better Genius will shield me from a thred-bare blacke Cloke, it lookes like a piece of Beelzebubs Liuery. A Scholler? What? I doe not meane my braines should drop through my nose: no; if I was what I wish I could but hope to be; but I am a noble, generous, vnderstanding, royall, magnificent, religious, heroicall, and thrice illustrious Pedler.
But what is a Pedler? why, what's that to you? yet for the satisfaction of him whom I most respect, my right honourable selfe, I will define him.
A Pedler is an I [...]diu [...]duum vagum, or the Primum mobile of Tradesmen, a walking Burse, or moueable Exchange, a Socraticall Citizen of the vast vniuerse, or a peripateticall Iournyman, that like another Atlas carries his heauenly shop on's Shoulders.
But a pox on Skeltons [...]ury, Ile open my Shop in honester prose, and first, Gentlemen, I'l shew you halfe a dozen of incomparable poynts.
I would giue you the definition of points, but that I think you haue them at your fingers ends, yet for your better vnderstanding,
A poynt is no body, a common terme, an extreme friend of a good mans longitude, whose center and circumference ioyne in one diametricall opposition to your equilaterall Doublets, or equicrurall Breeches; but to speake to the point, though not to the purpose.
1 The first point is a point of honesty, but is almost worn out, and has neuer beene in request since trunck-Hose and Codpeece [...]breeches went out of fashion, it's made of simplicity Ribbon, and tagged with plaine dealing; if there be any knaues among you ( [...]s I hope you are not all fooles,) faith buy this point of honesty, and the best vse you can put it to, is to tye the band of affection: but I feare, this point will finde no Chapman, some of you had rather sell, than with Demosth [...]nes buy honesty at so deare a rate: oh, I could wish that the Breeches of Bowsers, Stewards; Taxors, Receiuers, and Auditors were trussed with these honesty points; but some will not bee tyed to it, but hist To [...], it is dangerous vntrussing the time.
[Page 35] 2 The next is a point of Knauery, but I haue enow of them already, yet because I am loth to carry mine any longer about me, who giues me most, shall take it, and the diuell giue him good on't: this point is cut out of villanous Sheepeskin parchment in a Scriueners Shop, tagg'd with the gold of a Ring, which the Pillory robb'd him of, when it borrowed his eares; if he doe but fasten this to the new Doublet of a yong Squire, it will make him grow so corpulent in the middle, that there will be nothing but Waste, this point of Knauery has bin a man in his dayes, and the best of the Parish, foureteene of them goe to our Bakers dozen.
The definition of him may be this: a point of Knauery, is an occult quality tyed on a riding knot, the better to play fast and loose, he was borne in Buckram, h'as runne through all offices in the Parish, and now stands to be President of Bridewell, where I leaue him, [...]oping to see him truss'd at Tiburne.
3 Amongst all my points, a point of ignorance is the very Alderman of the dozen. This is the richest point in my packe, and is neuer out of fashion at Innes of Court: if you buy this point, you are arrant fooles, for I'l giue you this gift, that you shall haue it in spite of your teeths.
4 The next is a point of good manners, that has beene long lost amongst a croud of clownes, because it was only in fashion on this side Trent.
This point is almost found in our Colledge, and I thanke the heauens for' [...], it begins to be tagg'd with Latine, it hath beene much d [...]fil'd, but I hope to see it cleane wash't away with the sope of good gouernment.
This point, to giue you a little inckling of it; begins from the due obseruance of a Fresh man to Sophisters, and there it ends with a cede m [...]ioribus.
5 Next point is a point of false doctrine, snatch'd from the codpeece of a long-winded Puritan, the breath of Arm [...]nim will rot in him. Tag him with a piece of Apocripha, and he breaks in sunder, trusse him to the Surplesse, and his [Page 36] Breeches will presently fall downe with the thought of the whore of Babylon.
Hee hates vnity and Church-discipline so farre; that you cannot tye a true loues knot on him: cut off his tags, and he will make excellent strings for a Geneua Bible; I would haue these points anathema [...]ized from all the religious breeches in the company: 'tis made of a dangerous stubborne Leather, tagg'd at one end with selfe-conceit, at the other with wilfull opinion, this point is fit for no seruice, but Lucifers C [...] coti [...]ces: but why talke I so long of this point, it is pitt [...] it is not licensed.
6 If you like my points, why doe you not buy? If you would haue a more full point, I can furnish you with a Period; I haue a Parenthesis (but that may be left out) I know not how you affect those points; but I loue them so well, that I grieue at the ignorance of my infancy, when my most audacious Toes durst play at spurne-point.
The next is a Looking-Glasse, but I'l put it vp againe; for I dare not be so bold as to shew some of you your owne faces; yet I will, because it hath strange operations, viz.
If a crackt Chamber-maid dresse her selfe by this Looking-Glasse, shee shall dreame the next night of kissing her Lord, or making her mistresse a shee Cuckold, and shall marry a Chaplin, the next liuing that falls.
If a stale Court Lady looke on this Reflection, shee may see her old [...]ace, through her new Complection.
An Vsurer cannot see his conscience in it, nor a Scriuener his eares.
If a Townesman peepe into it, his Acteons furniture is no longer invisible: Co [...]rupt takers of bribes may reade the price of their consciences in it.
Some fellowes cannot see the face of a Scholler in it. If one of our Iewel-nos'd Carbunckl'd rubricke, bonifac't, can venture the danger of seeing their owne faces in it, the poore Basiliskes will kill themselues by reflection.
If a blinde man see his face in this, hee shall recouer his eye-sight.
But I see no pleasure in the contemplation of it; for when I looke into it, I finde my selfe inclined to such a dangerous disease, that I feare, I cannot liue heere aboue foure yeeres longer: Howsoeuer, I hope after my disease, we shall drinke the parting-blow.
But now considering what a Philosophicall vacuum there is in most of our Cambridge Noddles, I haue here to sell a soueraine boxe of Cerebrum, which by Lullius his Alchymy▪ was extracted from the quintessence of Aristotles Pericranium, sodde in the sinciput of Demosthenes. The fire being blowne with the long-winded blast of a C [...]ceronian sentence, the whole confection boyled from a pottle to a pinte, in the Pipkin of Seneca: wee owe the first inuention of it to Sir Iohn Mandeuile, the perfection of it to Tom of Odcombe, who fetch'd it from the gray-headed Alpes in the Hobsons Waggon of experience; I sweare as Persians vse, by this my Coxcombe, this Magazine of immortall roguery: but for this Boxe of braines, you had not laughed to night; buy this boxe of braines, and the tenure of your wits shall be soccage, when as now it is but [...]ee simple.
These braines haue very admirable vertues, and very strange operations: foure drops of it in the eare of a Lawyer, will make him write true Lattin: three graines will fill the Capitall of an Vniuersity Gander; the terrestriall head of a high-Constable, will be contented with halfe a dram; three scruples and a halfe will fill the braine-panne of a Bambery brother.
But leauing my braines, I come to a more profitable Commodity: for considering how dull halfe the wits of the Vniuersitie be, I thought it not the worst traffique to sell Whetstones.
This Whetstone will set such an edge vpon your inuentions, that it will make your rusty iron braines, purer mettle, then your brazen faces. Whet but the knife of your Capacities on this Whetstone, and you may presume to dine at the Muses Ordinary, or suppe at the Oracle of Apollo. If this be not true, I sweare by the Doxies Petricoates, that I'le neuer hereafter presume of a better vocation, then to liue and dye the miserable factor of Conny-skins.
I haue also Gloues of seuerall qualities: the first is a paire of Gloues made for a Lawyer, made of an intire Loadstone, that has the vertue to draw gold vnto it; they were perfumed with the conscience of an Vsurer, and will keepe scent till wrangling haue left Westminster Hall; they are seamed with [Page 40] Indenture, by the needleworke of Mortgage, and fringed with a Nouerint Vniuersi. I would shew you more, but it is against the Statute, because a Latitat hath beene serued lately vpon them. And few of you need any Gloues, for you weare Cordouant hands.
My next Commodities, are seuerall Night-caps, but they dare not come abroad by Candlelight. The first is lined with Foxe furre, which I hope to sell to some of the Sophisters; it hath an admirable faculty for curing the Crapula, aboue the vertue of Iuie, or bitter Almonds; nay, the porredge pot's not comparable vnto it.
I haue another, fit for an Alderman, which Acteon by his last Will and Testament bequeathed to the City as a principall Charter, it was of Dianas's owne making; Albumazers Otacousticon was but a Chamberpot in comparison.
I could fit all heads with Night-caps, except your grane ouerwise Metaphysical heads: Marry, they are so transcendent, that they will not bee comprehended within the predicant of a Night-cap.
I haue also seuerall Ruffes; first, a Ruffe of pure Holland for a Dutch drunkard, a Ruffe of Cobweb-lawne for the Vniuersitie statutes: I haue a Ruffe for the Colledge too: but by this badge of our Colledge (my reuerend Lambskins) our backbiters say, our Colledge Ruffes are quite out of stocke; [...] haue no more Ruffes but one, and that is a Ruffe of strong hempe, you may haue them who will, at the Royall Exchange of Tiburne.
[Page 41] As for plaine Bands, if you finde any in a Scriueners shop, there is good hope honesty will come in fashion againe.
But you will not bestow your money on such trifles: why? I haue greater wares.
Will you buy any Parsonages, Vicarages, Deanaries, or Prebendaries?
The price of one is his Lordships crackt Chamber-Maid, the other is the reseruing of his Worships tythes; or you may buy the Knights horse three hundred pound too deare, who to make you amends in the bargaine, will draw you on fairely to a Vicaridge.
There be many tricks, but the downe-right way is three yeeres purchase. Come bring in your Coyne; Liuings are Maioriinpretio now, then in the daies of Doomesday booke, you must giue presents for your presentations: there may be seuerall meanes for your institution, but this is the only way to induction that euer I knew: but I see you are not minded to meddle with any my honest Leuiticall Farmers.
But now expect the treasures of the World, the treasures of the earth digg'd from the mynes of my more then Indian paunch. Wipe your eyes, that no enuious clouds of musty humours may barre your sight of the happinesse of so rare an obiect.
Heer's now a rare beauty, oh, how all your fingers itch, who should be the first Chapman? This will be a dainty friend in a corner. And wert not better to imbrace this prerty shambles of beauty, this errant Poultry of perfection, than to tumble your sopy Laundresses? Is this like your daggle-tail'd Bed-makers? when a man shall lie with Seacole ashes, and commit adultery with the dust of his chamber?
Me thinks this peerelesse Paragon of complection should be better countenanced. She would set a sharper edge on your appetites, than all the three-penny Cutlers in Cambridge.
I am a man as you are, and this naughty flesh and blood will neuer leaue tempting: yet I protest by the sweet sole of this incomparable shee, I neuer had any acquaintance with the pretty Libraries of flesh, but onely this: This is the subiect of my muse; This I adorne with costly Epigrams, and such curious Encomiums, as may deserue immortality in the Chamberpots of Helicon: and thus my Furor Poeticus doth accost her.
Is it not pitty such ware should not bee bought? Well, I perceiue the fault is in the emptinesse of your learned pockets: well, I'le to the Court, and see what I can sell there, and then carry the Reliques to Rome.