1. Of a Country-man and a Constable.

A Simple Country-man hauing terme busines in London, and be­ing somewhat late a­broad in the night, was staid by a Constable, and some­what harshly entreated, the poore man obseruing how imperiously he commanded him, demanded of him what hee was: to whom he re­plyed, I am the Constable, and this is my Watch. And I pray you sir, [Page 2] for whom watch you? (saith the man) marry answered the Consta­ble, I watch for the King; for the King replyes he againe simply? then I beseech you S ^r. that I may passe quietly and peaceably by you to my Lodging, for I can bring you a certi­ficate from some of my neighbours who are now in towne, that I am no such man.

2. A casheird Captaine.

A Captaine in the Low-coun­tries being Casheird and his company conferred vpon another, hee grew more priuate and Melan­choly, and not long after being met by the others Leiftenant, was kind­ly saluted, and after other comple­ments, demanded why hee was of late so strange, to absent himselfe so long from his Captaine; who much desired to see him: who answered I pray you commend me to your Captaine, and tell him he had my pany too late.

3. Of a Iustice of Peace, and a Horse-stealer.

A Horse-stealer was brought to bee examined before a Iustice, who finding the fellony to be most apparent, Well friend saith hee; if thou beest not hangd for this fact, Ile bee hangd for thee. I humbly thank your Worship; replyed the theefe, and when the time comes, I desire you, that you will not be out of the way.

4 The Principall of an House.

A Pleasant fellow came vnto the Principall of a house, and pre­tending that hee had receiued some iniury by some of the Societie, complained vnto him in this man­ner: Sir, said hee, I have beene abu­sed by a company of Rascals, belon­ging to this House, and knowing you to bee Principall, I thought [Page 4] good to acquaint you with the bu­sinesse, and so proceeded, &c.

5. A Gentleman arrested.

A Gentleman being arrested and brought before a Country Maior, who was by Profession a Tan­ner, being somewhat roughly han­led by the Sergeants, and espying an Oxe hide in the place where they stayd him till the Maior was ready to come forth, My freinds, quoth hee, what neede you trouble your selues so much about me, when me thinkes you had more neede, and it would better become you, to brush your Masters Gowne that lyes on the ground.

6. A Batchelours answer touching Mariage.

A Lady obseruing a Gentleman that was a Batchelour, much giuen to Melancholy, said vnto him, [Page 5] truely Sir, I am of opinion, that you will neuer be truly merry till you bee maried: to whom hee an­swered: In troth Madam I am of opinion that I shall neuer laugh till my heart ake, till then.

7. A Counsellor, and his client.

ONe making a long and tedious speech to a graue Counseliour, in the conclusion thereof made an Apology to excuse himselfe for being so troublesome, who gaue him this answer, Ile assure you sir, you haue not beene troublesome to me at all, for all the time that you were speaking, my minde was of an­other matter.

8. Of an Oatemeale-man.

AN Oatemeale-man a rich fel­low fell at some difference with a Comedian about the towne, and began to vpbraid him with his profession, and according to the small talent of wit hee had, came [Page 6] hotly vpon him with the common obiection, if, saith he, all men were of my mind, you should keepe your doores shut, and find your galleries empty, and then you would bee more poore, and lesse proud. I be­leeue it, replied the other, so if eue­ry man would, as I could find in my heart to doe, that is, to forsweare the eating of Puddings, and Pot­tage, who would be more poore, and lesse proud then the Oatemeale man.

9. A Gentleman and a Barber.

A Barber comming finnically a­bout a Gentleman, was (as the most of them are) terribly full of talke, at length hee found the leisure to aske how hee would bee trimmed. Marry my friend replyed the gentleman, if thou canst pos­sibly, doe it in silence.

10. A wager of eating.

TWo Captaines, the one an Eng­lish mā, the other a Dutch man, hauing both good stomacks, laid a wager which of them at one set dinner should eate most. Earnest was giuen, and they drew lots which should bespeake their Prouant; it fell to the Dutch man, who pre­sently went downe into the Kitch­ing, and bespoke of the Hostesse of the ordinary a fat Capon and a dozen of Larkes, and so came vp againe to his company: Presently the English Captaine went downe to enquire what hee had spoke for. The Hostesse told him, A Capon & a dozen of Larkes. How? saith hee. I say, hostesse, send into the Market and buy for vs a dozen of Capons, and a Larke. Of which the Dutch­man hearing, grew presently to composition, and recanted the bar­gaine.

11. Two Wolshmen in a robbery.

TWo Welshmen were in a Rob­bery, and both taken: the one being knowne to bee an old theefe, had his iudgement to bee hanged, and was so. The other, because it was his first fault, found the more fa­uour, and had his sentence to bee whipt at a Carts-taile, and so let go. Who after, comming into his coun­try and being demanded what was become of his friend and Country­man, hee told them for a truth that hee was marryed: but some not be­leeuing it, and further pressing him to know when and to whom: hee answered he could resolue them no further then this, that hee was cer­tainly marryed; by the same token, before a great many Spectators, hee was forced to dance at his wedding

12. Geneva print.

A Collection being made for the distressed Ministers of Geneva a Gentleman, which (it seemes) was not much affected towards them, being prest by the Collector some­thing hard for his charitie, he abso­lutely told him hee would giue him nothing. But the other, not so satis­fied, would needs know his reason: The Gentleman after some pause, answered him, If you will needes know my reason, it is because I finde nothing more preiudiciall to my eye-sight then the reading of their Geneva print.

13. A Papist and a Puritane.

A Papist & a Puritane being next neighbours, and travelling by the high-way where stood a wood­den Crosse: the papist put off his hat, and so passed by: At which his [Page 10] neighbour onely smiled to himselfe and said nothing. But walking fur­ther, and passing by a tree that stood in the way, and not seeing him move to that, Neighbour (saith he) I pray you in courtesie will you re­solue mee a question. With all my heart replyed the other, so that if occasion be offered, youle doe mee the like: both are agreed, now then neighbour saith the Puritane. I would know why you did not the like reuerēce vnto the tree: that you did vnto the Crosse, being both one wood: the reason of this (saith the other) you shall soone know, but one thing first I must know of you: I called vpon you in the morning, and I obserued you in taking leaue of your wife, why did you kisse her lips and not her taile seeing they are both made of one flesh.

14. A young Heire.

A Young heire not yet come to age, but desirous to bee suited with other gallants, and to bee fur­nisht with money and commodities to the purpose: the creditor deman­ded his bond, hee granted it condi­tionally, that his Father should not know of it, therefore wisht it to bee done very priuately. Vpon this promise all things were concluded: and the time came when he should seale it. But when hee beganne to read in the beginning of the bond, Nouerint vniuersi. Be it knowne vnto all men, he cast away the bond & absolutely refused to seale it say­ing: If it be knowne vnto all men, how can it possibly bee but it must come to my Fathers care.

15. Of a Gentleman comming to Court.

A Gentleman comming out of the Country, and hauing one Mr. Wiseman to his Kinsman who liued in the Court, and belonged to the King, came bluntly to the Guard-Chamber, and speaking to him that kept the doore: I pray you sir tell me (faith he) is not there one Wiseman among you? who answe­red, No indeed sir, you had best in­quire of the Queenes side.

16. Of a Freese Ierkin.

AN honest good fellow hauing worne a thredbare Ierkin for the space of two yeares & an halfe: as soone as hee had compast another suite, for the good seruice it had done him, made of it this Epitaph.

17. A Poore man arraigned.

A Poore simple man arraigned at the Sessions for his life, and being conuicted, the Iudges, much commiserating him in regard of his simplicity, purposed to doe him what fauour they could, and offered him his booke: which he hearing, cast himselfe vpō his knees beseech­ing them to doe him any fauour else sauing that, for hee protested vnto them, that he could read no more then the Pope of Rome.

18. Two old Captaines.

TWo ancient Captaines looking vpon the rich hangings of Eighty Eight, obseruing in the border thereof, the faces of all the prime Commanders, and Gentle­men of note that had beene in the seruice, Well, saith the one to the other, if euery one had his right, [Page 14] my face might haue had the honor, to haue bin placed before some that I see: for I am sure I was ingaged in the hottedst incounter. To whom the other replyed, content thy selfe Captaine, tis well knowne thou art an old souldier, and reserued for an­other hanging.

19. A great Eater.

A Gentleman riding downe into the Low country, was askt by his freind, what was the best newes at London, who answered them he had by reason of suddaine, and vn­expected comming downe not list­ned after any: onely wot you what (saith he) It is reported that such a man, naming the great Gormandi­zer, hath lost his stomacke to whom the other replyed: If a poore man haue found it he is directly vndone.

20. A Gentlewoman and a Iustice.

A Gentlewoman suspected to be a Romish-Catholike; being brought before a busie Iustice in the country, he would not accept of her oath, vnlesse she would publikely call the Pope knaue: to whom shee answered, S ^r, if it please your wor­ship, it were great folly and indis­cretion in me, to call any man knaue whom I neuer either saw, or knew, but I protest sir, (saith she) If I had seene him so often, or knowne him so well as I doe your good worship, I think I might, and with a safe con­science too, call him knaue, and knaue againe, and with this answere I pray you rest satisfied.

21. A Nobleman in his Gallery.

A Priuate Gentleman being ad­mitted to walke with a noble­man in his gallery being full of curi­ous pictures, hee commended them [Page 16] exceedingly, as some of those peices to bee the best that hee had seene: Say you so saith the nobleman, then out of all these, chuse that which best pleaseth you, and it is your own: the Gentleman espying a faire table in which the ten commande­ments were curiously drawne in golden Letters: Please you my Lord, saith hee, of all that I haue viewed, this like I best; and chal­lenge by your promise. To whō the Lord replyes. That onely I had for­got to except, chuse else where you will, and it is at your free dispose, but these I will neuer depart from. Why my Lord, saith the Gentleman, haue you vowed these ten Com­mandements shall neuer goe from you. Indeed saith he I haue, and haue vowed it by mine honour; Wel replyed the Gentleman, your Lord­ship may speake your pleasure, but I will assure you and take my word, with all the care you haue, you shall neuer keepe them.

22. One trauelling to Rome.

A Gentleman of England trauel­ling with his man to Rome de­sirous to see all fashions, but especial­ly such rarities as were there to bee seene, was by the mediation of some friends there resident, admitted into the Popes presence: to whom his holinesse offered his foote to kisse; which the Gentleman did with great submission, and reuerence: this his man seeing, and not before ac­quanted with the like ceremony, presently makes what speed he can to get out of the presence: which some of the wayters espying, and sus­pecting his hast, stayd him, and de­manded the cause of his so sud­daine speed: but the more they im­portune him, the more he prest to be gone: but being further vrged, he made this short answer, truely saith he, this is the cause of my feare, that [Page 18] if they compell my master, being a Gentleman to kisse the Popes foote; I feare what part they will make me kisse being but his seruing man.

23. A Scholler on horse-backe.

A Scholler an vnskilful rider being to passe throgh a riuer, offred to water his horse before hee rid him in so deepe as to the foote-locke, his friend that was with him, fearing he would founder him, cald vpon him to ride in depeer, the other not well vnderstanding his meaning, sayd to his friend, first stay till hee hath drunke off all this, and then I will ride him in farther where hee may haue his belly full.

24. A Gentleman, and a Citizen.

A Gentleman & a Citizen wal­king together, iust before them went two Aldermen, saith the Gentleman to the other, there goes [Page 19] a Cuckold, at which the Citizen his supposed friend takes exceptions, and tells the others what was spoke, they make a complaint, and bearing him before the Maior, the parties appeare, witnesse is called; the words iustified, the Gentleman hee pleades a mistake, for saith he, I said not by these two wòrthy Citizens there goes a Cuckold: but the words that I spake were, there goes a couple, I, was it so saith the Maior, if it were no otherwise, the matter is answered, and I here discharge you the Court.

25. A Clarke of a Church.

THe Clarke of the Church, ha­uing receiued some discontent­ment of his Parish, grew sullen vp­pon it, and when Sunday came, and that hee was to giue out a Psalme: he sate still in his seat, & would not so much as open his lips, but being often called vpon, and seeing there [Page 20] was no remedie, lookt somewhat doggedly vpon the matter: sing you may if you please the Psalm of Qui­cunque Vult, whosoeuer will, and for his owne part, as soone as hee had giuen it out; went out of the Church.

26. A Cheese-monger.

A Puritane comming to his neighbour, a Cheese-monger; to buy a Gossips or groaning Cheese because his wife was ready to lye downe, the master of the shop offerd him a taste of that which he seemes best to like: who as he put it to his mouth, so he put his hat to his eyes, and began a long grace, which the Cheese-monger seeing, nay saith he, since you meane in stead of a tast to make a meale out of my cheese, I assure you, you shall buy none here; for I cannot afford it after that waight and measure.

27. Of a Doctors man.

AN old Doctor lying on his deathbed, willing to leaue something to a poore simple seruant who had serued him long, to doe him some good after his decease, wild him to professe Physicke and hee would leaue vnto him certaine prescriptions, both to benefit his knowledge and estate, amongst others this was the maine, that still when hee came to visit any patient, he should looke curiously about the roomes, what bones he saw scattered either about the Table or the beds side: if he found any of fish, then he should tell him hee tooke a surfeit of such a kinde of fish, as hee might guesse it to bee by the bones; and so likewise of Beefe, Veale, Mutton, Capon, and Rabbit, &c. and to iudge by the fragments, and reuersi­ons which were more certaine, then to presume vpon the disease by the [Page 22] sicke mans water, in which he knew he was altogether vnpractised, and vnskilfull: In processe it so fell out, that being sent for to one that was sick of an Impostume, and the roome being so cleane swept, that he could find no apparent signe in the floore, by which hee might coniecture of any certain disease, prying at length very curiously, beneath his bed hee spide and found a Saddle lie: vpon which, he came vnto his sicke Pati­ent, and seriously told him that hee had now searcht into the nature of his disease, for by feeling of his pulse he might well perceiue hee had ta­ken a great surfet by eating of a horse; at which the Patient fell in­to such an extreame laughter that his Impostume broke, by which he was suddenly cured, and the fel­low grew thereby more famous.

28. A Boy that cryed fire.

AN vnhappy boy lying in the streets in a cold winter night, cryde fire, fire: the people lookt out of their Windowes, & cryde where, where? marry quoth the Boy I would I knew my selfe, for I would gladly warme mee.

29. A Countrey fellowes courtesie.

A Countrey fellow meeting with his friend told him he had beene at London, and seen my Lord Maior; I but said his friend, did he take any notice of thee? no faith, said he, no great notice, onely I put off my hat to him, and he did his duty to me.

30. One with a great Nose.

A Gentleman with an extraordi­nary great Nose, walking along Cheapside an vnhappy Prentise Boy [Page 24] meeting him makes a sudden stand, at which the Gentleman musing, made a stand likewise, and asked him why hee did not keepe his way? to whom the Lad answered, Sir I would gladly passe by you, but I cannot for your Nose; the Gentleman loath to bee too much obserued, or to be the occasion of any tumult in the street, with one of his fingers put his Nose on the one side, and said; now youth you may freely passe, the way lies plaine before you.

31. One that eate of a Beare.

A Woman hauing eaten of the right side of a Beare, which some say makes good Venison, tooke a conceit, that she had an exceeding great rumbling and rowling in her belly, and for remedy sends to aske advise of the Doctour, who perswa­ded her to knock a Mastiffe Dog in the head, and eat so much of him, [Page 25] and so no doubt but the flesh of him would worry the Beare in her belly.

32. An English man at a French Ordinarie.

AN English man being in France, and at a French Ordinary, a­mongst other dishes there were Woodcocks at the Table; the En­glish gentlemā somewhat before the time tooke one of the Woodcocks heads, and pickt it; which one of the Monsters obseruing, and think­ing with his wit to play vpon him; I haue (saith he) euer noted these English men, that wheresoeuer Woodcocks are serued in, their fingers will be euer first in the dish, the rest laught at the iest, and hee for the present made no reply: but when the Table began to with­draw and euery man was silent, the Englishman fell into a great laughter, and being demanded the [Page 26] reason of it: troth (said he) at a won­drous good iest was made this night at Supper, which I protest hath so taken me, that I shall neuer hereafter see a Woodcock, but I shall either thinke of that Monsier, or some of his Countreymen.

33. Of a Seruingman.

A Seruingman bringing a brace of Greyhounds from his Master to a Knight a friend of his, and a neere neghbour; the Knight asked him whether they were good Dogs or no? good Dogs (saith the fellow) I will assure you for this, pointing to the one of them, he is the best Dog that euer ran with foure Legs vpon the earth, and see you this other, hee is three times better then he.

34. Of a Iustice and his man.

AN old Iustice of Peace and his Seruingman riding with other company vpon the way, the day be­ing somthing windy, a Crow sit­ting vpon a weake and tender bough, which at euery small gust moued this way and that, and cryed as they rode by Ka, Ka, Ka: harke, saith the Iustice to his man, what the Crow saith to thee, shee would (if shee could) say Knave, Knaue: nay, not to me saith the fellow sure shee meanes to some man of worship in this company, you may well per­ceiue by her many low becks and congees.

35. A Cheater and a Tapster.

A Fellow that was exceeding drie, and had no money, came to a Taphouse, and cals for a Can of Beere, and drinks it off; which done, [Page 28] he asked the Tapster if hee had any bread, yes sir, saith hee, you may have a whole dozen if you please, no (saith hee) halfe a dozen will serve, and bring it in; the Tapster did so, and set them before him: now (saith he) because I will giue thee a good account, bring me an­other Canne of Beare, which was no sooner done but hee dranke it off, and withall gaue him two pen­ny Loaues, then call'd for the third, then for the fourth, till he had made it vp a full halfe dozen, and still for euery Canne giues him a Loase; then asked him what was to pay. Sixe pence saith the Tapster. For what saith the fellow? For Beare saith the Tapster. Why, hadst thou not bread for thy Beare, answe­red the other? Why then for bread, saith the Tapster. Hadst thou not thy bread againe said the fellow? how can that bee? So whilst the Tapster was studying to reconcile this intricate recko­ning, [Page 29] hee stept out of doores, and paid nothing.

36. A man on the Gallowes.

ONe passing by, and seeing a poore fellow in a very cold morning vpon the Gallowes in his shire, and after a short confession rea­dy to be turned off the Ladder: A­las poore man (saith he) I must pitty him, he will stand so long yonder in the cold, that I am affraid hee will goe neere to catch his death.

37. Two by the eares.

A Man and a woman being toge­ther by the eares in the street, and a great throng about them; a Citizens wife passing that way by chance, demands of a Gentleman that came from the tumult, what the occasion of that vproare might be? to whom he answered, you are a whore. How said she? thou art an [Page 30] arrant Knaue to call me whore, I am as honest as the skinne betwixt thy brows: he presently very courteous­ly put off his Hat, and said, Truely faire Gentlewoman, this was the occasion of their quarrell.

38. A drunkard and his wife.

A Woman had a husband that v­sed to come home often disgui­sed, and sometimes to lye along in the floore, and still when she offe­red to raise him from the ground, he would not be remoued, but an­swered, the tenement is mine owne, I pay rent for it, and I may lye where I list: Some few nights after, comming home in the like taking, he sate downe in a Chaire before the fire, and fell asleep: the wo­man would haue waked him, but could not, and therefore went vp to bed; in which shee was scarce warme, but the maid cryed out aloud, Mistris, Mistris, my Master is [Page 31] falne out of the Chaire, and lyes in midst of the fire: which she hearing, lay still, and answered, Let him alone, for as long as he payes rent for the house, he may lye where he will.

39. A Theefe and a Gentleman.

A Theefe in the night hauing pur­posed to rob a Gentlemans chamber which was three Stories high, had conueyed a ladder vp to his window, and being at the top of it, and ready to make his entrance, it happened the Gentleman at the same time was awake, and heard him, and iust as he was about to o­pen the Casement, hee met him at the window, and said, My friend, it is your best course to stay till an houre or two hence, for I am not yet asleepe; which the Theefe hearing, what with hast, and feare, tumbled downe from the top of the Ladder, and without the helpe of a halter had almost broke his necke.

40. A rich mans Hospitall.

A Gentleman comming by where a rich man was laying the foun­dation of an hospitall, whispered to his friend, and said, I much com­mend this man aboue many others that I know, for hee doth well to prouide for beggars now, knowing he is so neere his death, that by op­pression hath made so many in his life.

41. To chuse a wife.

ONe being disswaded from marrying a woman, because she was no wiser, made this an­swere, I desire that the wise whom I am to marry should haue no more wit then to bee able to distinguish her husbands bed from another mans.

42. Of a Horse, and a Pecke of Oysters.

A Gentleman hauing rid hard in a went morning, and comming into his Inne dropping drie, and be­cause his money fell short, loath to be at the charge of faggots, giuing his horse to the Ostler, he comes in­to the Hall where was a great fire, but set so round, that he could not get so much as shoulder roome, for the weather being wet and cold no man would giue him place: he ha­uing spyed Oysters at the Inne gate, called in great hast to the Ostler to give his horse instantly a Pecke of Oysters, for his purpose is to ride away before dinner: the Ostler was amazed, the rest wonde­red, but hee would not rest till hee saw them measured, and cast before his horse into the Manger: strange it was to them all to heare of a Horse that would eate Oysters, and [Page 34] to behold the nouelty all of them presently left the fire, and ran in­stantly into the stable, and in the in­terim he warmes, and dries him­selfe throughly from top to Toe at his pleasure, they gaping like fooles till he had what hee desired, came backe againe, and told him his would not touch an Oyster: no, saith he, will not the sullen lade fall too, is not his stomacke yet come to him? well Ostler take away his Oysters, and giue him so many Oates, and bring that he scornes to eate hither to mee, and see what I can doe with them: which was done accor­dingly; by that time the Horse had made an end of his Oates, hee had done his Oysters, the weather grew faire, and he well dryed, rode on his iourney.

43. A famous Theefe.

A Famous Theefe frequenting one of our Cities, where the Gates were continually shut a nights, and not willing to lye in the Suburbs for feare of search or suspi­tion, acquainted himself with one of the Porters of one of the Gates, and fed him with money, that still when he had beene abroad about any exploit, that he should be rea­dy to let him in at what houre soe­uer, and this he vsed a long time, till at length being taken, arraigned and conuicted for many robberies, and great euidences came against him: the next day he was brought to the Gallowes, where the Sheriffs per­swading him still to confesse more, and more; at length he desired that they would send for this Porter, which was done accordingly: The poore man came quaking, and trembling, and the people were in [Page 36] great expectation of some strange thing to be reuealed, all thirsting af­ter nouelty. By this time the Theefe vpon the ladder spies him, and cals him to him; the poor Porter in a pi­tiful fear asks why he sent for him, and what he had to say to him? To whom the Theefe replyed; Troth honest Porter I onely sent for thee to tell thee, that if I come not in by this and twelue a Clocke at night, doe not tarry vp for me, but goe to bed a Gods name, and saying no more, leapt off the Ladder, and with this iest in his mouth was hanged in earnest.

44. A young Master of Arts.

A Young Master of Art the very next day after the Commence­ment, hauing his course to common place in the Chappell, where were diuers that the day before had took their degree, tooke his Text out of the eigth Chapter of Iob; the words [Page 37] were these, we are but of yesterday, and know nothing. This text, saith he, doth fitly diuide it selfe into two branches, our standing, and our vnderstanding, our standing in these words, wee are but of yester­day, our vnderstanding, we know nothing.

45. A simple Country-man.

A Simple fellow at an Easter time, comming to receiue the Communion, the Preacher hauing demanded of him diuerse easie que­stions, and finding him ignorant in all, at length askt him how many Commandements there were: hee answered hee could not tell. The Parson wondring at his sottish ig­norance, askt him how many hee thought there were. Marry I thinke saith he, there may be some foure or fiue. Yes saith the Parson there are more. Why then replyde he there may be seven or eight; but [Page 38] if you know better, then you had best tell me. Why then quoth hee, I will. There are iust ten. At which he laughed, and said, Nay I thought so and looked for no lesse, for sure I was, that you being the Parson, would bring them to ten, because you would keepe the tythe.

46. A Courtier.

ONe of our Scarlet Courtiers comming on a time prancing on a great horse, and alighting at the Court gate, calls to one that stood by, and saith to him, I prethee honest fellow, whilest I walke into the Court, doe so much as hold my horse. The man seem'd afraid of the beast, and asked him withall, if hee was not unruly, and that one man might hold him, he answered yes, very easily. Nay then saith hee, if it be but one mans worke, I would wish you to doe it your selfe, for I haue more businesse in hand, then walking of horses.

47. Two Schollers.

TWo Schollers of one Colledge in the Vniversitie, the one called Paine, the other Culpepper, were both in fault, but Paine in the lesse, the other in the greater: but when the fault came to bee censured, the fault was not lesse then expelling the Colledge: but Culpepper the greater delinquent yet finding more friends, had his sentence tooke off, and liberty to remaine still in the house, but the other suf­fered for example: A Master of Art of another house comming to visit a friend of his that was of the Col­ledge where this was done, amōgst other discourse, askt what became of the businesse betweene the two Schollers, hee told him in briefe, how Paine that was in the least fault was punisht, and Culpepper in the greater pardoned, who instant­ly replyed, Nay then I thinke Ovid [Page 40] did Prophecie of this when hee said,

48. Gentlemen at a Taverne.

TWo or three Gentlemen meet­ing at a Taverne about some businesse, and walking up into a roome two paire of stayres high, called for a pint of Wine, which being drunke off, and they often knocking and calling, but none ei­ther answering, or comming up, one of the Gentlemen threw down the pint pot, when instantly a draw­er comes up with a quart, and so left them; they following their dis­course, and drinking to the good successe of the bargaine they were then concluding of: the quart pot was likewise soone emptied, they knocke againe, and call, none an­swering, downe goes the quart pot, and in a trice comes vp a pottle, [Page 41] which after some respite being like­wise dispatcht, and they ready to call for a reckoning, and so to bee gone, as vnwilling to enter into further charges; they call aloud, but none would answer, then beat they the pottle pot against the table but none yet answered, at length they thundred with such violence, that vp comes one of the drawers, whom a Gentleman being angry at such slacke attendance, meets him at the toppe of the staires, and casts him headlong downe to the bot­tome. At which all the rest of his fellowes, with the Master of the house, beganne to muster vp their selues, and comming vp into the Gentlemens roome, he demanding the reason of that violence done to his servant, one of the Gentlemen answered thus, Mine Host, we have no way willingly transgrest the cu­stomes of your house, for we obser­ved that calling for one pint of wine, and casting downe the pot [Page 42] you brought vp two; then casting downe the quart pot, you presented vs with a pottle: now sitting here alone, and no man regarding vs to bring vs vp a reckoning, wee flung one Drawer downe the staires, to no other purpose, but in hope to haue two at the least to attend vs.

49. A Chronologer.

ONe of our late Chronologers that succeeded old M ^r Iohn Stow, and others, in his briefe Chro­nicle speaking of George Duke of Clarence, saith, he was drowned in a Rundlet of Malmesey, and being taxt by a Gentleman that he had mainly falsifyed the History, in re­gard that Hollingshed, Speed, and others haue delivered to the world that hee was drowned in a whole Butt, to which hee answered, that hee had no way erred from the truth, for if these that writ great and large Histories, call it a Butt, he [Page 43] might (and no way improperly) in his small Epitome of Chronicle, cal it a Rundlet.

5 The Mariage of the Arts.

THe Play called The Mariage of the Arts being presented be­fore King Iames at Woodstocke, he in regard that it was somewhat tedi­ous, and himselfe weary with so long sitting, offered twice or thrice to goe away, which being obserued by an ingenious Scholler of the other Vniuersity, hee writ these verses:

51. Of a Scholler maried.

A Scholler having married a yong wife, and being still at his booke, preferring his serious study before dalliance with her, as she was one day wantoning whilest he was reading: Sir saith shee, I could wish my selfe that I had been made a booke, for then you would bee still peering vpon mee, and I should never night nor day bee out of your fingers: so would I sweet heart, answered he, so I might chuse what booke, to whom she againe answered, and what booke would you wish mee to bee, marry sweet wife saith he, an Almanacke, for so I might haue euery yeer a new one.

52. An Epitaph.

THe Lord chiefe Iustice Femming that succeeded Iudge Poppans in his place, being both a learned [Page 45] and mercifull Gentleman, being de­ceased, a pleasant fellow writ of him this Epitaph:

53. Of an extraordinary nose.

A Pleasant fellow meeting a mā in the street with an extra­ordinarie red nose, lookes very ear­nestly in his face, as if he had espied something there which hee won­dred at, the man askt what it was at which he so gazed, to which hee answered, friend, I haue reuiewed you thus earnestly, and for ought I can perceiue, me thinkes your eyes are not matches, no saith he, I pray [Page 46] show a reason why they are not, marry saith he, because most certain­ly if they had beene matches, your nose by this time would haue set them on fire.

54. Two Innekeepers.

AN Inkeeper of Saffron Walden v­sing euery Term cōstātly to one Inne in London, the two Hosts grew into a great league of loue & friend­ship together, but euer and anon when hee of London was about his businesse, or out of the way, mine Host of Walden was importu­nate with his wife to make him a Cuckold: which the modest woman at her best opportunity told to her husband what a false friend hee was to him, for which he vows reuenge, and taking no notice at all what was past: The time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Coun­trey; great healths, and much prote­station of loue there was at their [Page 47] parting: But this iniury still sticks in mine host of Londons stomacke. A toy takes him in the head in the long vacation, he takes his horse, & rides purposely to see his old friend of Walden; and comming neare the Towne, he spurres somewhat hard, alights in the Inne yard, his horse being all of a sweat, he cals for an Oftler to walke him vp and downe; he was no sooner dismounted but he was espyed by his old friend and familiar acquaintance, who runnes to him, embraces him, and cals out his wife to bid him welcome: the woman appeares; This is mine host (saith he) of London, which vseth me with kindnesse and respect, to whom I am so much bound, and whose health I haue drunke, and thou hast pledg'd so often; now I pray thee Ioane with a kisse bid him welcome into the Countrey. The woman in great curtesie offers him her lips, whom he scornfully puts by: and I pray you good woman are [Page 48] you wife to this man? yes, said shee, for default of a better: but I intreat you foole not me saith hee, I came to visit this my friend in kindnesse, and not to be derided. Derided saith she, why speake you that, I am shee that hath laid by his side this twenty yeares: I that she hath I can assure you, quoth mine host of Wal­den: But will you tell me that, quoth mine host of London, of certainty I know this not to bee the woman you were wont to bring to my house to lodge, and lay with her Tearme by Tearme, I hope I know her if I see her againe: nay mine host saith he, if you bee such a kinde of fellow, here is no staying for mee; at which words while the other stood halfe amazed, hee leapes vp into the saddle, and without mere pause spurres back as fast as hee can, to London. Mine host of Walden cals after him, but in vaine: the woman railes, he would excuse it, but can­not be heard: drunkard, and whore­master [Page 49] are the best shee can afford him: the house is all in an vproare; nor could the man and wife euer be reconciled, notwithstanding all his vowes, and oathes, with the me­diation of neighbours and friends, till mine host of London, thinking himselfe partly reuenged, sent vn­der his hand and seale, that it was but a meere trick put vpon him in requitall of a former iniury.

55. Two old Widowes.

TWo old widowes sitting ouer a Cup of Ale in a Winters night, entred into discourse of their dead husbands, & after the ripping vp of their good, and bad qualities, saith one of them to her maid, I pre­thee wench reach vs another light, for my husbād, (God rest his soule) aboue all things lou'd to see good lights about the house, God grant him light euerlasting: and I pray you neighbour (saith the other) let [Page 50] the maid lay on some more Coles, or stirre vp the fire, for my husband in his life time euer lou'd to see a good fire, God grant him fire euer­lasting.

56. A Horse-stealer.

A Fellow for stealing of a horse was apprehended, arraigned, conuicted, and executed: the que­stion being made, why this man was hanged, it was answered for stealing a horse, Nay saith the other, I will as­sure you no such matter, hee was hanged for being taken, for had he stolne an hundred and neuer beene taken, he might haue beene aliue at this day.

57. A Baker.

ONe being called in question before a Iustice for giuing a Baker ill language: now, saith the Iustice, my friend, what say you to [Page 51] this complaint? Truely sir said hee, the worst words that euer I gaue him, was that I held him to bee as honest a man as euer liued by bread.

58. A Coachman.

A Mad fellow, a Coachman a­bout the Towne being drunk, fell from the seat where he sare, and the wheels running ouer him, brake one of his legs, the anguish of which droue him into a Feuer: but being well recouered of them both, hee had an humour to goe and proue all the prime Doctors of the Towne, and try whether by his water they could tell his profession, or his mis­fortune, or the disease that before had troubled him: he being then in perfect health, his water was carried to many, and all that saw it, conclu­ded, that hee that sent it was a sound man, but could proceed no further; therefore his opinion was, that all [Page 52] Physitians were fooles, and not one learned man amongst them. This being told an ancient graue Do­ctor that practised about the Citie by one of the Coachmans acquain­tance, by whom he had vnderstood euery particular before related: he wrought with him to perswade the Coachman to bring his water to him, which tooke effect: But in their iourney towards the Doctor, they drinking somewhat hard, the Coachmā carrying his vrinall emp­ty, pist it full, which his friend see­ing, fie, saith hee, carry not all this water along for shame, poure out halfe at least, otherwise he will per­ceiue we haue beene drinking; the Coachman was perswaded, and did so. On they went, and whilst the Coachman staid below, his friend went vp to see if the Doctor were at leasure, and told him all that past by the way: This done, the Patient is call'd vp, who presents his Vrinal to the Doctor, with many a low con­gee [Page 53] outwardly, though scoffing in­wardly. The Doctor he turnes, and tosses the glasse, sometimes chafing it against the fire, then againe holds it vp to the light: at last he breakes into these words, I perceiue by this water, that hee that made it was a Carter, or Carman. Truly (saith he) if it please your Worship, you come the nearest of all the Doctors I haue tryed yet, and yet you are wide from the marke. Wilt thou tell mee that saith the Doctor, sure I am he is one that gets his liuing by the whip. Therein you are right again answered the other: for to tell you true he was a Coachman. Very good saith the Doctor: now this Carter being drunke, fell from his Cart, and the wheele ran ouer him and brake his leg. You are right in all things sir, if you would change the Cart, & the Carter, into the Coach, & Coachmā. Interrupt me not, saith the Doctor; this Carter breaking his Leg, fell after into a dangerous Fe­uer [Page 54] of which he is since recouered. Good your worship. Good your Worship, no more Carter, nor Cart, if you loue mee; for of my know­ledge he was a Coachman, and fell from his Coach. His Coach saith the Doctor, still looking vpon the Vrin: I prethee truely resolue me, is here all the water that was made? No indeed, saith the fellow, I pou­red out halfe by the way. Nay, I thought as much; then there went away the other two wheeles, saith the Doctor, for there cannot bee a­boue two contained in this Vrinall. The Coachman admires his cun­ning, departs satisfied with his skill, saith, hee shall haue his custome, with all his comrades; and vowed onely for his sake, to speake well of Doctors euer after.

59. A Taylor.

A Taylor bringing to a Gentle­man a bill of extraordinary length, because it included many reckonings, and altogether despai­ring of present payment, because the party had a present purpose to tra­uell; the Gentleman demands what hee would bate him of the maine bill, and hee would pay him downe the rest in ready money, ready cash quoth the Taylor, being extaside with the very thought, I will bate you saith he a full yard City measure and thats a handfull more, take it off in the middle, the top, or the bot­tome, either of all these three, chuse you which.

60. A Cheater.

A Cheater hauing stolne a cup out of a Tauerne, and being pursude and taken in the streets, [Page 56] there grew on the sudden a great tu­mult of people, and a great conflu­ence was gathered together, a ciuill Gentleman passing, and seeing ano­ther come from thence that had bin at the vproare, demanded of him what was the reason of that throng, nothing saith hee, but that one hath gotten a cup too much, alas saith the other, nothing else, that may bee an honest mans fault, and mine as soone as anothers.

61. A handsome wench, and a Iustice.

A Handsome wench for some suspicious businesse beeing brought before a Iustice somewhat late in the euening, and hee taking compassion of her because shee was faire and seeming modest, wisht the man that broght her before him to take her home, and lodge her that night, and he would heare the busi­nesse more at large in the morning; Marry with all my heart, saith hee, [Page 57] Master Iustice, so you will but com­mit my wife which is now at home to the Counter till the morning.

62. A cleanly lye.

WIll: Kempe by a mischance was with a sword run quite through the leg, a Country Gen­tleman comming to visit him, asked him how he came by that mischāce, he told him, and withall, troth saith he, I receiued this hurt iust eight weekes since, and I haue line of it this quarter of a yeare, and neuer stirr'd out of my Chamber.

63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary.

CErtaine Gentlemen being in Game at an Ordinary, euery one complained of a filthy ranke smel that was amongst them, which grew still hotter and hotter in their Noses: At length saith one of them iestingly, I pray you Gentlemen, [Page 58] which of you amongst vs here v­seth to weare Socks? A Countrey Gentleman one of the company presently answered, not I, I protest I neuer knew what belongs to them.

64. Of a deafe Hostesse.

A Young Gentleman hauing a deafe hostesse, vsed to put ma­ny Iests vpon her, and one day ha­uing invited diuers of his friends to dinner, and thinking to make them merry, taketh a glasse of wine, and maketh signes to the good old woman that he dranke to her, and saith, here Hostesse, I will drinke to you, and to all your friends, namely the Baudes and Whores in Turne­bull street, to whom she innocently said, I thanke you Sir, euen with all my heart, I know you remember your Mother, your Aunt, and those good Gentlewomen your sisters.

65. Of a Prentice.

A Young Boy comming out of the Countrey, and being new bound Prentice, seeing my Lord Maiors show, and wondring at the great pompe and state hee rid in, I marry saith he, now I see what wee must all come too.

66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman.

A Spaniard and a Dutchman mee­ting in an Inne, were appointed to bee bedfellowes, the Dutchman went first to bed, expecting the o­ther, who before hee vncas'd him­selfe, takes out of his mouth a set of teeth, and wiping them laid them in a cleane napkin. The Dutchman being still awake, began to wonder. In the meane time hee takes off his counterfeit haire, and showes a head quite bald. The other still obserues him. Then he takes out an artificiall [Page 60] eye, wipes it, and layes it by the rest. This began to startle the other, who by this time had serued off his siluer Nose, and then makes towards the bed: which the Dutchman seeing, leapes out of the bed, crying, the Deuill, the Deuill.

67. A great Lords entertainment.

THe Maior of Exeter entertai­ning the Earle of Essex in his re­turne from his first Cales voyage; at dinner intreated my Lord to relate vnto him all the passage of the as­saulting, and taking the Towne: Which my Lord hauing done at his intreaty: I marry saith he, this were braue indeed, if it were true. My Lord smiled at his ignorance, but said little, but drunke to him. The Maior pledg'd his Lordship, and withal asked him how he liked the Wine? Who answered, it was very good. I but, saith Master Mai­or, I haue a cup of Wine in my Cel­ler, [Page 61] &c. I marry saith my Lord, I should haue thought my selfe wel­come, indeed, if I might haue ta­sted of that.

68. An Empericke.

AN Emperick that had but one cure for all diseases, which was certaine Pils which he vsed to giue for all sorts of maladies, by reason that some of his Patients were acci­dentally cured: grew famous in the place where hee liued, amongst the the simpler sort: In so much that some of them held him for a learned Doctor: others for a cunning man. It hapned that a poore Countrey man, hauing his Cow strayed from him, and giuing her out for lost, heard the fame of this Artist; profers him money to helpe him to his Cow againe. Who answered, if he would haue any Pils, he could helpe him to them. Yes, with all my heart saith the poore man, if I [Page 62] thought they would doe mee any good in this businesse. The Artist sels him Pils, and teacheth him how to take them; which hee presently did, and bids him farewell. The man going homeward the Physicke began to worke with him: hee re­tires himselfe for modesty sake from the highway into a neigbou­ring thicket; where as hee sate, ca­sting his eye aside, hee by chance saw his Cow grazing amongst the bushes; at which hee reioyced. The next day he returned to the City, to giue thankes, by whose report hee grew ten times more famous then before among the vulgar.

69. Of a Horse.

QVeene Elizabeth in her pro­gresse to Couentry, was met a distance from the Towne by the Maior and his Brethren, and so con­ducted to the City. There was a Water in the way, and Master Mai­ors [Page 63] horse would needes drinke; but his rider not suffering him, but cur­bing him in, the horse kept such a plunging in the water, that he dasht the Queene; who called to him, and asked him why hee did not let his Horse drinke? Who answered, if it please your Grace, I was not so ill bred, as to suffer my Horse to drinke before you Maiesties.

70. A young Citizen and his Wife.

A Young Citizen and his wife being at dinner together, hee had earen Egs, and shee was feeding vpon Beefe; and finding her selfe somwhat drye: Sweet husband saith shee, I prethee drinke to mee, and I will pledge thee; thee after thine Egge, and I after mine Oxe.

71. Of Rape seed.

A Hansome young fellow hauing seene a Play at the Curtaine, comes to William Rowly after the Play was done, and intreated him if his leisure serued, that hee might giue him a Pottle of Wine, to bee better acquainted with him. Hee thankt him, and told him if hee pleased to goe as farre as the Kings Head at Spittlegate, hee would as soone as he had made himselfe rea­dy follow him, and accept of his kindnesse. He did so, but the Wine seeming tedious betwixt two, and the rather because the young fel­low could entertaine no discourse, Rowly beckoned to an honest fellow ouer the way to come and keepe them company; who promised to be with them instantly. But not comming at the second or third calling. At last he appeares in the roome, where William Rowly begins [Page 65] to chide him because he had staid so long. Hee presently craued par­don, and begins to excuse himselfe, that hee had beene abroad to buy Rape seed, and that he staid to seed his birds. At the very word of Rape seed, the man rose from the Table, with a changed countenance, being very much discontented, and said, M ^r Rowly I came in curtesie to de­sire your acquaintance, and to be­stow the Wine vpon you, not thinking you would haue called this fellow vp to taunt mee so bit­terly, (they wondring what hee meant,) Hee proceeded. Tis true indeed, the last Sessions I was ar­raigned at Newgate for a Rape: but I thanke God, I came off like an honest man, little thinking to bee twitted of it here. Both began to excuse themselues, as not knowing any such thing, as well as they might. But he that gaue the offence, thinking the better to expresse his innocence; young Gentleman, saith [Page 66] he, to expresse how farre I was from wronging of you, locke you here, as I haue Rape seed in one Pocket for one Bird, so here is Hempe seed on this side for another. At which word, Hempe seed, saith the young man, Why Villaine, doest thou thinke I haue deserued hanging? and tooke vp the Pot to fling at his head, but his hand was stayed: and as errour and mistake began the quarrell, so Wine ended it.

72. Of a Thatcher.

A Thatcher being on the top of an house, one of the maides speaks to him somewhat hastily, and bids him come downe to break­fast, The fellow whether ouer-ioy­ed with the newes, or what the mat­rer was I know not, but his hands left their hold, and his feet slipt, and downe he came sliding; which the wench seeing, cals aloud to him, and [Page 67] saith, Gaffer, Gaffer, you need not make such hast, for breakfast is not ready.

73. Of another Thatcher.

ANother of the same trade, be­ing at worke on the ridge of an high Barne, and all the Thatch loose beneath him, his feet slipt from him, and still as hee felt him­selfe falling, catching vncertaine hold, as the Thatch faild him, he cryde, Lord helpe me, Lord blesse me, Lord preserue mee: but com­ming to the Eues, and beholding what a great distance it was be­twixt him and the ground; raps out a great oath, and sayes, what a huge fall am I like to haue.

74. Of an Oxe hide.

A Scholler of the Vniuersity be­ing abroad late in the Towne, comming by a Tanners house, hap­ned to stumble vpon a raw Oxe hyde that lay before his doore: and groping with his hand to know what it was, first hits vpon the hyde, and after vpon the hornes, vpon which he had this conceit:

In English thus;

75. Three Surgeons.

THree Surgeons in their owne Countries were equally fa­mous, and all at one time: the one in England, another in Ireland, a third in Wales. Now as all men na­turally [Page 69] enquire after such as are emi­nent in their owne quality: so each of these by rumour hauing heard much of the others excellencie: They had great desire to see one a­nother, and were all in the same thought. The Irishman comes o­uer to enquire after both, or either iust at the same time when the En­glishman was iourneying towards Wales, and the Welchman towards England. These three by accident met in one Inne, all strangers one to another. Motion was made by the Hostesse, in regard they were single men, that they might Sup together: It was accepted of. After supper they grew in discourse of their owne Art. The Irishman extols one fa­mous in England, another in Wales: The Welchman is as liberall in the praise of an Englishman, and an I­rishman: The Englishman is as free in commending the other. Af­ter some circumstance, they finde themselues to be the same. Many [Page 70] enterchanging of curtesie passed be­tweene them: and the Table being drawne, they concluded all to lye in one Chamber. A great fire being made, and some healths passing round: at length saith the English­man, we are all famous for our Art practised vpon others; being so for­tunately met, it were not much a­misse if we practised something vp­on our selues. The others as ambi­tious to make triall of their skill, gaue consent to the motion. The Englishman presently cals for a cleane wooden dish; and hauing commanded the hostesse to leaue the Chamber, takes his incision Knife, and opens himselfe before the fire, rips vp his belly, takes out his stomack or Paunch, and casts it into the wooden dish: then bindes vp his body, as his Art taught him, without any trouble of colour or countenance. Which they seeing, notwithstanding cheered him vp, and asked him how hee did. Hee [Page 71] answered, (I thanke God) neuer better, onely for the present hee wanted a stomack. They applaud his cunning. Then the Irishman loath to be exceeded in his Art, with his knife takes out one of his eyes, with the strings, and without shew of feare or signe of paine, closeth vp the place with a plaister, and layes it to the Englishmans Paunch in the wooden Platter. Which the Welch­man obseruing, and scorning to bee vnderualued in his Art, leapes to his sword, and takes it in the lest hand, and cuts off the right, stancheth the blood, bindes vp the wound, & casts it to the rest, as little moued as the other. This done, they deliuer vp the paunch, the eye, and the hand to be kept safe, and deliuered backe to them in the morning. And then to bed they goe. The Ho­stesse layes these things in the wet Larder: but her daughter forget­ting to locke the doore; about break of day in comes a Cow, and eates vp [Page 72] all in the Tray. The hostesse rising betimes in the morning, going to see her charge, finds all deuoured, and no signe of any thing remai­ning, shee growes into a great per­plexitie for her guests, grieuing that she should bee the cause of their deaths: Which her daughter o­uer-hearing, comforts her mother thus. To satisfie your guests in shew, and to auoid the law, we haue incurd by our negligence. First for the Englishman, they say the paunch of an Hog, or a Sow is iust like the stomack of a man, or wo­man: Our Sow is fat, and to be kil­led shortly, cut her throat now, her flesh will be neuer a whit the worse, and lay her Paunch in the place of the other, this was no sooner adui­sed then put in practise. But now saith the hostesse, how shall we doe for the Irishmans eye? Oh mother saith the Girle, looke but vpon our gray eyed Cat, and shee hath hath such eyes as he hath for all the [Page 73] world. The mother apprehends, the Cat is taken, and suffers, and her eye cast into the tray in stead of the Irishmans. That done, what shift (saith mine hostesse) shall we make for the Welchmans hand? Oh Mo­ther saith the Girle, but yesterday a theefe suffered, and hangs still vpon the Gallowes: send quickly to the place, and cut off his hand, and lay it in the place of the Welchmans. Al is done, the Surgeons call, the Tray is carried vp, and (as they thinke) euery thing accom­modated in his owne place. The Englishman closeth vp his stomack: the Irishman puts in his eye: the Welchman fastens on his hand, and euery of them in outward appea­rance seemes whole, and sound. And being ready to take horse, and part, saith one of them; these cures seeme currant for the present, but whether they bee setled, or perma­nent, may bee a question: There­fore I hold it fit that euery one of [Page 74] vs trauell about our most necessary affaires, and meet here againe in the same place this day month, to giue account of our cures. It is conclu­ded: the day comes: the Artists ap­peare according to promise. They first aske the Englishman concer­ning the state of his body? Who anwered, hee was neuer in bet­ter health, nor euer had so great a stomack; for now no meat can come amisse to him, raw, or roasted: be­sides, he had much adoe to keepe his Nose out of euery swilling Tub: Nay, hee cannot see a young Child turne his backside to the wal, but he had a great minde to be doing with it. They question next the Irishman of his health: who answers, that hee feeles himselfe well, sauing that he feeles some defect in that one eye, for when the one is shut, and asleep, the other is open and awake. Besides, if at midnight he hear a Rat or a Mouse stirring, hee could not contain himselfe from stepping out [Page 75] of bed, breaking his Shins so of­ten, that they were neuer without plaisters. They question the Welchman last, he protests that he is well, and in health, and that in his owne nature he is both of good condition, and conuersation, but euer since the reioyning of that hand, he hath much adoe from stealing whatsoeuer stands in his way, and from keeping it out of the next mans Pocket.

76. Of Bucanon.

THe famous Poet Bucanon in his trauels was taken hold of by some of the Popes Inquisitors, who by his free writing, suspected his religion, but hee to acquit him­selfe, wrote vnto his holinesse this Dysticon: [Page 76]

Which thus I paraphrase.

For which Encomium he was set at liberty, and being got out of the Popes iurisdiction, he sent to his Ho­linesse, and desired according to his owne true meaning, to reade the selfesame verses backward which were these:

Thus Englished:

77. An Ʋsurer dying.

A Great Vsurer hauing purchased a mighty estate, as all men are mortall, so the time came when hee must leaue the world: and lying vp­on his deathbed, the Doctors, and Physitians hauing giuen him ouer, a Reuerend Diuine was sent to comfort him; who telling him of many comforts for his soules health, amongst other things, said, hee had beene a great purchaser vpon earth, but now he must study for another purchase, which was the King­dome of heauen. He turning vpon the other side, at the hearing of the word purchase, answered, I will not giue more then according to fifteene yeares for the purchase, and so died. This Gentleman preaching at his funerall, in the conclusion of his Sermon, said onely thus, Bre­thren, and dearely beloued, it is now expected, that should speake [Page 78] something concerning our brother here deceased: I will end it in few words, namely these: How he liued you know, how hee dyed I know, and where his soule is now, God Almighty knowes.

78. A parish Clarke.

AN honest man, a Parish Clarke, and a freeman of London, by trade a Skinner, being by the Preacher, before hee went into the Pulpit, (because he found himselfe at the present not very well) in­treated to sing a Psalme of some length: I will said he, and said aloud thus: I intreat you good people sing Lamentation of a Skinner.

79. Two sisters.

TWo sisters, the one being excee­ding faire, the other extreame blacke: It so fortuned, the one had Suters, the other had none. The faire one meeting with a Sweet­heart of hers in a Garden, to w ^ch her chāber window was a prospect, they grew so wantonly familiar, that it was most vndecent, and vnseemely; the blacke sister finding the o­thers chamber open, and espying all which had past; with her diamond writes, Te tam formosam non decet esse leuem, and hauing done this, con­ueyes her selfe out of the roome. Their dalliance being ended, the faire sister returning to her Cham­ber, and finding no body there, es­pies what was writ in the window, and finding it to be her sisters oha­tacter, thus subscribes, Te non formo­sam non valet esse leuem, which I thus interpret, the first:

The answere:

80. Wishers, and woulders.

ONe desiring a Scholler to turne the old ancient English pro­uerbe into Latine, Wishers and Woulders were neuer good hous­holders. That I will presently, saith the Scholler thus, Oh si, oh si, otiosi.

81. Barbarous Latine.

ONe thinking with barbarous latine to put down a Scholler, came and saluted him in these words, Ars tufons, art thou well? To whom he presently answered in the others garbe, Asinus fons, Asinus tu; that is, As well as thou.

81. A Gentleman to a Lady.

A Witty conceited Gentleman, that when he came among La­dies, would often bolt out a phrese of Latine; one of them, that thought her selfe the most witty amongst the rest, said vnto him, Sir you are ever and anon out with your La­tine, which wee Gentlewomen vnderstand not, therefore are afraid lest you should play vpon vs: But for mine one part, I perswade my selfe that if you speake but two words, if one of them bee good, the other is naught. I, saith he, Madam; what say you then of these two words, bona mulier, good woman? Well saith shee, bona may bee good, but if mulier be not naught, then ne­uer trust me.

83. Two hyring one horse.

TWo fellowes purposing a iour­ney hyred a horse betwixt them to ride by turnes: The one laid downe halfe the hire, and cals to his partner for the other halfe, which he willingly disburst. Which done, saith he, marke the conditions be­twixt vs, which are these: when I ride, then you shall goe a foore, and whē you go on foot thē I shal ride. This is the bargaine, will you stand to it? Yes, with all my heart saith the other. So the first got vp, rod the whole iourney, and left the other to come on foot after him.

84. A Gentleman and a Horse­courser.

A Gentleman hyred a Horse in Smithfield to ride a iourney twenty miles beyond Yorke, and ha­uing paid the Horsecourser his mo­ney [Page 83] hee desired to know of him whether the horse would serue him his iourney, or no? to whom the fel­low answered, that without doubt he would, if he would but obserue three things, the Gentleman asking what they were, The first is saith he, you must meat him well. Feare not saith the other, for I look to my horse, as to my selfe. The second is, you must not ride him vp hill nor downe hill. Well saith hee, I must spare him to ease my selfe. Now what is the third, marry saith he, driue him before you in all the euen way you come in, and if hee serue not your iourny as wel as any horse in England, trust me no more. Thus was the poore Gentleman not onely iaded, but mockt for his mo­ney.

85. A man buying a Cow.

A Certaine man came into the Market, to buy a Cow, and bought one: when he had paid for her he desired to know what faults she had. Now the Cow could not endure any to stand iust before her: so the seller spoke to the buy­er to stand iust before her, and he should see all her faults at once: which he did: but no sooner was hee iust before her, thinking to see some egregious fault in her, and alas he felt it, for shee ran at him, and threw him along in the dirt.

86. A Doctor and a Lady.

DOctor Butler being very angry with a Lady, call'd her whore: she makes a grieuous cōplaint vpon him; in so much, that partly by com­pulsion, partly by intreaty, hee was forced to recant his words before a competent company, such as for her best satisfaction shee would make choyse of. The time appoin­ted came, wherein he recanted in these words:

Vpon these termes grew a per­fect reconcilement betweene them.

87. An Epitaph.

A Gentleman hauing lost a deare friend of his, and willing to be­stow some monument vpon him af­ter his death, comes to a Scholler, desiring him to make him a Epitaph for that purpose, he told him withall his heare, then hee demanded, what speciall vertues his friend had when he liu'd, that in his death hee might commend them to posteritie, who answered hee never tooke notice of any particular vertues; he askt him then what noted vices he was guil­ty of, hee told him againe not any that he knew, but that he was a good honest morall man, and more hee could not speake for him: the third question was, he demanded how old he was, when hee departed his life, he answered he was iust sixty yeares of age, vpon which hee writ this Epitaph:

88. Pope Alexander VI.

POpe Alexander the sixt, intru­ding into the Papacy rather by force then the consort of a free elec­tion, one comming to read his title, which was Alexander Papa VI. Pope Alexander the sixt, read Alex­ander Papa vi. Alexander Pope by force.

89. Pictures hang'd.

A Fantasticke Gentleman having bespoken diuers Pictures to furnish a Gallery, the picturer bring­ing them home, hee was disposing them in their seuerall places, here saith he, hang this, there that, and there that, but here will be hanged my selfe.

90. Comming of the Spaniards.

ONe comming fearfully into a company of Gentlemen, told them hee could tell them most fear­full newes, they asked him what it was, Marry saith he, it is publikely rumored that the Spaniards will bee here before Easter, Tush let not that trouble you saith one of the Compa­nie, I will neuer beleeue it, for the Spaniards kill no flesh in Lent.

91. A father and his daughter.

A Father being suspicious of his daughter, and of a young man that was a surer to her, whom hee did no way affect, tooke his daugh­ter to schooling, and made her vow vnto him never more to come into his company without asking leaue, vpon a time her father sitting by the fire, and she hauing notice giuen her that her friend was at the doore to [Page 89] speake with her, shee made an exuse to reach something behind her fa­ther, and as she stooped, said father, by your leaue: marry good leaue haue you daughter saith he, which was no sooner spoke, but out shee went to her sweet heart, and saw her father no more till shee came home a maried wife.

92. A letter writ out of the Countrey.

A Countryman writ a Letter to a friend of his at London after this manner: After my hearty commen­dations, hoping in God that you are in good health, as I am at the making hereof, &c. these are to let you vnderstand that at this present I am extremly sicke, and much trou­bled with a quartaine ague, in so much that there is small hopes ever to be mine owne man againe: And for such a man that hath done mee most violent and dangerous wrongs I doe forgive him with all my heart [Page 90] and soule: but if it shall please God I may recouer this sicknesse, I will be revenged of him to the utmost of my power, though it cost mee all that euer I am or shall be worth, thus being loath to trouble you any fur­ther, I remaine, and cease ever to be your louing friend,

93. A lye retorted.

ONe hearing another in the company tell a lye, at least an extreme impossibility, all condem­ned it for a thing that had no appea­rance of truth: no saith one, I can tell you as strange a wonder as that, walking the other day over the fields, and plowed lands, it was my fortune to cast mine eye vpon a Hare that was sitting, hauing no­thing at that time in mine hand, and being desirous to kil her sitting, still fixing my eyes vpon her, I stoo­ped to take vp a clod or stone to fling at her, & beat out her braines, [Page 91] and in that thought stooping to catch vp something, I fastned vpon another hare that sate there formed, cast her from me, and hit the other as shee was rising, and brake both their necks, and carried them home to supper.

94. A Scotchman and his Mistris.

A Scotchman in the beginning of the spring, whē scarce one flowre was seene to bud out of the earth, by chance walking to take the ayre, cast his eye vpon a Primrose fairly blowne, and being about to plucke it, he began to consider with him­selfe, how much more acceptable would this be to my Lady, and Mi­stresse, if for the rarenesse thereof she gathered it with her owne faire hand, and in this thought he purpo­sed to call her from her Chamber, and bring her to the place, but fear­ing lest any one in his absence should find it out, hee thought it the [Page 92] safest way to couer it with his hat, so he did, and goes withall speed to his Ladies Chamber, in this interim one comming by that way, (whe­ther he before obserued him or no, I know not) but remouing the hatt to see what was vnder it, espies the flower, and crops it, and in the same place he left a Rose of a worse smell behind him, couers it with the hat, and conueighes himselfe quite out of sight, presently after comes the Scotchman leading his Lady by the arme, tells her after many comple­ments the rarenesse of the flowre, and of his great fortune to finde it, and how much more precious shee should make it by plucking it in her owne person. Why where is this dainty flower saith she you so much praise and speake of. Why here sweet Lady saith he couered with this my Beauer, and with curiosity remoo­ving it, discouers the thing I spake of, still smelling, and therefore more offensiue to the smell, the Scotch­man [Page 93] blushes, the Lady railes, what he then thought, or how her dainty nose tooke it, I leaue it to the Rea­ders considerations:

95. Of a Gentleman that was the first of his house.

ONe Gentleman obiecting to another, that he was the first of his house, the other answered that is my honour that thou vpbraidest me with, but bee it thy dishonour that thou art likely to bee the last of thine.

96. An Empericke and his man.

A Physician and his man riding a long, they perceiued a distance off, a great confluence of people assē ­bled: the master desirous to know the reason thereof, sends his servant to know the cause, and to giue him notice, which the fellow did, & gal­lopping backe with all the speed he could, desires his master if hee lo­ued his life, to put spurs to his horse, and to prouide for his present safety otherwise he was but a lost man: at which the Physitian amazed, desired likewise to know the reason of that, his man replied, Sir, the reason of this meeting is to behold the execu­tion of one that hath killed a man, now if he were condemned for kil­ling of one, what danger are you in, that to my knowledge haue beene the death of halfe a hundred at the least.

97. Two Country Fellowes.

Two Country fellowes meeting at an Assizes in the Countrey, one askt the other what newes, and how many were condemned to suf­fer, the other answered, This hath beene the strangest Sessions that e­ver was in my time, I haue not knowne the like, for there is no exe­cution at all, and is it not worthy ob­servation, that so many Iustices should sit on the Bench, and not one thought worthy to be hanged?

98. A Churchman in his Inne.

A Churchman being in his Inn, and arguing with an high voice, fie quoth his curious hostesse, Sir, why doe you talke so lowd? mar­ry sweet Hostesse saith he, because I am alowd to talke, and so are not you without the consent of your husband.

99. An English Gentleman in France.

AN English Gentleman being in France, and hauing exerci­sed himselfe in a dancing schoole, had put off his pumps, and wiping himselfe with a dry towell, was rea­dy to depart, at which time enters a French Mounsier, and intreated him to put on his pumps againe that he might see him practise, the other excused it by reason of his wearines, and that by too much heating his body, hee might endanger a surfet, but the Mounsier from intreaty grew to importunity, from impor­tunacy to threats, and withall seeing his sword lye a distance from him drawes it, and sweares that if he will not presently satisfie him in his re­quest, hee will runne him through: the English Gentlemā seeing at what advantage he had him, yeelds to the present necessity, dances out his Galliard, and gives him as much [Page 97] content as he can desire, but having ended, made himselfe ready, and re­covered his sword, comming close to the Mounsier, hee tells him, that if he be a gentleman, he must satisfie him for this affront, and either ac­knowledge that hee had done him a manifest wrong, or decide the dif­ference by the sword: the other seeing how neere it toucht his re­putation, told him hee would giue him meeting to his desire: the place, and houre was appointed, their wea­pons agreed vpon, and their length taken: The morning came, and singly without Seconds they met and drew, the Englishman presently drawes a case of Pistols, and bids the Mounsier dance, I and to what tune he would either sing or whistle: the other taxes him of dishonorable ad­vantage, but he is obstinate, and sweares he will shoot him if he will not dance: then the French man layes downe his armes, and footes it with all the curiositie hee could, [Page 98] hihich done, the English man tells tem now they are vpon equall wrmes, gives him leaue to rest and breathe, and hauing made himselfe sport sufficiently, fought with him, and had the better of the Duell.

100. A Gentlemen and a Constable.

A Gentleman comming late be­fore the Constable, thinking to haue past the watch, hee was cal­led before the lanthorne, and very strictly demanded who he was, and whom he serued, hee answered, he was as they saw a man, and that hee serued God. I, say you so, saith the Constable, then cary him to the Compter, if you serue no body else: yes Sir replyed the Gentleman, I serue my Lord Chamberlaine. Say you so saith the Constable, why did you not tell mee so before? Marry saith the Gentleman, because I had thought you had loued God better then my Lord Chamberlaine.

101. A rich man and a poore.

ONe aske this question, What was that, that the poore man throwes away, and the rich man puts vp in his pocket? It was answe­red, when the rich man blowes his nose in a hankercher.

102. A sleepy drawer.

A Drawer sleeping vnder the Pulpit, the Preacher beat his deske so hard, that hee being sud­denly awaked, start vp, and cryed openly in the Church, Anon, Anon Sir.

103. A famous Painter.

ANgelo a most famous painter in Rome, wrought all those fa­mous peeces, or the most part of thē that are now to be seene in S. Peters Church, and working privately [Page 100] with a curtaine before him, as not willing his tables should bee seene till his nouissima manus had beene vpon them, and that they were com­pleat and perfect, being at that time about the resurrection and last iudg­ment, where the Elect were of one side, and the reprobate of the other, he had obserued a Priest who would be still prying into his worke, there­fore to bee reuenged on him, hee thought no more fit occasion or op­portunity then to draw his face to the life amongst the damned, which he did with such art and curiositie, that when his worke came to bee seene, and made publike, not any that knew the Priest, but could easi­ly perceiue, it personated him; for which hee grew to bee a derision or by-word among the people, inso­much that they would say to his face, that he was in Angeloes hell al­ready: for which hee made a great complaint to the Clergy, at length petitioned to the Pope himselfe that [Page 101] his face might be taken from thēce, and some put into the place: to whō the Pope gaue answer, that hee must necessarily excuse him in that busi­nesse, for true it was, that if Angelo had put him into purgatory, he then had power in himselfe, to haue re­leased him thence, but seeing it was into hell, it was beyond his iurisdic­tion, for ex inferis nulla redemptio, out of hell there is no redemption.

104. Of giuing away Deere.

A Priuate Gentleman of this Kingdome hauing a walke in the Forrest, was complained on to King Iames, that hee had in one yeare giuen away aboue 60 heads of Deere, at the least, at which his Ma­iesty being grieuously incensed, cal­led him before him, and askt him whether that were true that was reported of him, and told him of the complaint which was made a­gainst him: to whom hee answered [Page 102] that it was most true, that within such a time hee had giuen away as many: at which the King being in­raged he swore hee would haue him hanged for it: but hee beseecht his Maiestie to heare him fully: True it is saith he, that I haue giuen away so many to such friends of mine that were sutors to me for Venison; but if it come to bee proued that I haue deliuered any one of them, I shall then submit my selfe to vndergoe your highnesses most heauie displea­sure, with which answer the King was appeased, and he acquitted.

105. The King a hunting.

THe King being one day a hun­ting, and pleasing to retire him­selfe to repast, leaned, or rather sate vpon the same Gentleman, being fat and corpulent, somewhat to his disease, who boldly spoke to the King in these words; I doe beseech your Maiesty, leane not too hard vp­on [Page 103] your cushion, least you make the feathers tofly out.

106. Of choughing in ones graue.

A Master of Art in one of the V­niuersities, hauing acted in a Tragedy, and his body lying seem­ing dead on the Stage, for the time was not yet come that hee should be taken away, a passion tooke him that he was forced to cough so loud that it was perceiued by the gene­rall auditory, at which many of them falling into a laughter, hee rising vp excused it thus: you may see Gen­tlemen what it is to drinke in ones porridge, for they shall cough in their graue.

107. A Gentleman in disgrace.

A Worthy Gentleman, and a good Scholler had beene long in dis­grace with Queene Elizabeth, the reason I know not, nor am willing [Page 104] to examine, but he made meanes to one that was then in great fauour at Court, to bring him into fauor with her Maiestie, which he had promi­sed him, and perswaded the Queene to giue admittance of him into her presence. The time was come, and the other brought him, where and when shee expected him: who ha­uing done his duty with all the sub­mission that a subiect might; The Queene saith, I vnderstand you are a great scholler, shall I aske you one question? Any thing Madam saith he that lies within the compasse of mine vnderstanding to resolue you; then I pray you saith she, how many vowells be there? Madam saith he, it is a question that every schoole boy can resolue you, but since you would be answered from me, there be fiue: fiue saith she? but I pray you of these fiue, which may wee best spare? Not any of them Madam saith he, without corrupting of our natu­rall dialect. Yes replyed she, I can tell [Page 105] you, for of them all we can (for our owne part) best spare u or you.

108. A simple Constable.

A Gentleman walking late, know­ing there to be a simple Consta­ble that had the watch that night, giuing him some peremptory termes, there was no way with him but to prison he must, at length the Gentleman came vp close to him, and bid him commit him if hee durst. Why saith he, what may I call your name, that I who present the Kings person may not commit? Saith the Gentleman, my name is Adulte­rie, and neither by Gods Lawes nor mans ought you to commit mee: which one of the wisest of the com­pany hearing, let him goe Master Constable saith he, let him goe, for if your wife should heare that you had committed Adultery in your watch it might bee an euerlasting breach of loue betwixt you. Vpon [Page 106] this the constable was appeased, and the Gentleman went quietly to his lodging.

109. The twelue signes of vsury.

ONe being desirous to know what twelue severall Nations neerest resembled the 12. moneths, hauing their seuerall influences from them, was by one that stood by in Disticks thus answered.

110. One preaching against vsury.

ONe preaching violētly against vsury, was by one that was knowne to bee a great money ma­ster, the same day inuited to dinner, but because hee had so netled him and all of his profession in his ser­mon, he was at the first motion (fea­ring some violence to bee offered to to his person) resolved not to goe, but vpon consideration, trusting to the priuiledge of his Cote, he bold­ly went, and was exceeding wel­come, the Table being taken away the guests either dispersed, or in dis­course, the vsurer takes the Preacher [Page 109] aside, puts ten peeces in his hand and thankes him kindly for his ser­mon: the other wondring at his bounty, demanded of him the rea­son thereof, for said he, I was afraid I had much offended in being so bitter against those two damnable crimes of oppression and vsury. The other answered, I protest you were so farre from offence to mee ward, that you gaue mee much content, and I would intreat you to amplifie that Text, and in all your sermons to inueigh against it still. The Prea­cher asking his reason, I hope it may so edifie, and prevaile with some that they will quite giue it ouer, and so by that meanes, I and some others of my owne resolution, may put out our money to our profit.

111. Of a tall Gentleman, and a little Taylor.

A Little low Taylor working to a tall Fantasticke Gentleman, [Page 110] had pleased him in all things, sa­uing that he neuer made his coller high enough, and bespeaking a new suite, charged him to button him vp before two or three buttons more then ordinary. The Taylor willing to giue him all content, did accordingly: brought it home, and see it put on; and hauing buttond him to the height, it made him hold vp his chin, so that hee could scarce see any thing saue the Ele­ment. Saith the Taylor, haue I plea­sed your worship now? Oh very well saith the Gentleman, this is as I would haue it. Reach me vp thy bill, and put thy hand into my other hose, there is my purse, and tell out thy money. The Taylor did so, and told him he was satisfied. I am glad of it, saith the Gentleman, and not able to hold downe his head, Reach me thine hand honest friend, saith he, and now farewell, for I feare I shall neuer see thee againe.

112. Two Gentlemen falling out.

TWo young gentlemen falling out in a Tauerne ouer night, promised to meet in the field the next morning, and did so; but vpon cold blood distrusting their valours, they began to parle: at length it was concluded betwixt them, that in regard their going out was taken notice of by other gentlemen, and if no blood were drawne betwixt them, it might redound to both their disparagement, to giue one an­other some sleight hurt, or scratch such a place, where they could best endure it: and so drew cuts who should giue the first wound, and the other to appoint the place. Saith he who was the first patient, giue mee a little prick in the Arme: I will saith the other, and ran his Arme quite through. The other ma­king sowre faces, at the smart ther­of. Now saith hee, stand me, and [Page 112] shew me where I shall hit you? But he that was vntoucht, perceiuing whom he had before wounded, to bee scarce able to hold his sword, stands vpon his guard, and tels him he lay faire and open to him, bids him hit him where he could, and so came off boasting & bragging to his friends, how he had got the better of the day.

113. A Drunkard.

A Drunkard lying in the street, and not able to helpe himselfe: a gentleman walking late without a light, stumbled at him, but by good fortune recouered himselfe, & perceiuing what had line in the way, I haue stumbled at a straw, saith he, and leaped ouer a blocke.

114. A Master of a ship.

THere was one whose name was Man, and hee was Master of a ship, which was call'd the Moone: who was at Sea, and had beene in great familiaritie with a Sailers wife in Ratcliffe. In his absence her husband finding her to bee a light huswife: but not knowing of the former, charged her with a young Seafaring man, with whom shee had beene often at priuate meeting in company, and that very suspici­ously, in so much that he vrged her to tell him vpon her saluation, what in that kinde had passed betwixt them. The woman to giue his iea­lousie satisfaction, fell downe vpon her knees, and wisht some heauy fate might fall vpon her, if she knew more by that party, then by the man in the Moone, at which pro­testation the husband was satisfied, and as it is said neuer iealous of her after.

115. A Gormandizer.

A Gormādizing fellow protesting to a friend of his that hee loued him as well as hee loued his soule. I thanke you sir (said he) with al my heart; but I had rather you loued me as well as you loue your body.

A Welch Reader.

A Welchman reading the chapter of the Genealogie, where Abra­ham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Ia­cob, ere he came to the midst hee found the names so difficult, that he broke off in these words, and so they begat one another till they came to the end of the Chapter.

117. A Bishop and a Gentleman.

THis is an old one, but a good one, and therefore not altoge­ther amiste to bee here inserted; which though it bee knowne to some, is questionlesse not to all. A Gentleman of the Vniuersitie, being great acquaintance with a Doctor, insomuch that they were very intimate, and indeared friends. It hapned that the Gentleman tra­uelled for the space of seuen yeares: In which interim this Doctor was made an Archbishop. The Gentle­man at his returne being glad to heare of his friends preferment, tooke time to visit him, and came iust when they were preparing for dinner. The Archbishop more strange in his salutation then be­fore; after short greeting askt him where he purposed to dine? Hee answered, My Lord, where my horse stands, which is both an [Page 116] Inne, and an Ordinary. Well saith my Lord, it may bee before dinner be done you shall heare from mee, and so parted, without any further complements. The gentleman went to his Inne, and sate downe among the rest of the strangers. The Arch­bishop remembring his promise, cals one of his gentlemen, and spy­ing a Mullet (which is a Sea fish) on the Table; Take this dish saith he, and inquire for such a Gentleman at his Inne, and tell him I haue sent him this, as a Token of my loue, to mend his Ordinary. The Gentle­man did. And finding him set a­mongst other strangers, told him that his Grace had sent him that to­ken of his loue, to mend his com­mons, he kindly seemed to accept it, and humbly thanked his Grace, and the Gentleman that brought it: who being about to take his leaue, the Gentleman cald him back, and desired to heare of him, whether his Lordship had not withall sent [Page 117] him either bread to his fish, or Beare, or Wine? Who answered him, not any of those. Then I pray you saith he, remember my seruice to your Lord, in a sheete suddenly; and cal­ling for Pen, Inke, and Paper, writ this disticke,

The messenger bearing the Note to his Lord, he called him backe a­gaine, told him it might bee his Grace that could forget his friends, might perhaps not well remember his Latine, therefore intreated that he would stay to take the same lines interpreted into English, which were thus:

118 Trusting for a reckoning.

ONe came into a Tauerne, Drawer saith he, wilt thou trust me for a Pottle of Wine till the next time I come? Sir saith he, I must answere you in the same words, I will trust you for a Pettle of Wine, till I come againe: so brought it, and made him pay for it.

119. Strange beasts to be seene.

TWo pleasant fellowes comming by a Bartholmew Fayer, where amongst other shewes, diuers beasts were to be seene: as a Leopard, a Cat a Mountaine, and the like: either hauing no money at all, or that little they had being vnwilling to spend; one asked the other how they might see these sights, and cost them nothing? The other answe­red, follow mee, doe as I doe, say [Page 119] nothing and feare nothing. So comming to him that kept the doore, by your leaue Sir saith the first, and the other rushed in after him: so taking view of that was to bee seene; saith one of them, where are these monsters which your painted cloth speakes of? here saith the Keeper. Where saith the other? why here saith hee. They hauing seene what they came for, a good iest (saith the first) indeed, come a way, doe not vse thus to make fooles of Gentlemen, and so went out of the Roome. Saith the Keeper looking after them, I per­ceiue these two be of that kinde of people that can see, and will not.

120. A Emperour of Rome.

A Emperour of Rome passing by the high way in great pompe, with his Nobility, and Gentry a­bout him, two beggers sitting toge­ther, saith one of them, Oh how [Page 120] happy were that man (saith the one of them) whom the Emperour would bee pleased to make rich. Nay, answered the other, happy were that man whom God Almigh­ty would bee pleased to make rich. This Caesar ouer-hearing, gaue charge to a Gentleman that was next him, that these two Beggars should attend him the next monow at Court. At these summons the poore men were in a most pittifull case, fearing they had spoke some treason to bring their liues in dan­ger: but the next day appearing in Court, they were by the Emperours appointment brought into the great Chamber, where a Table being co­uered, two rich chaires were placed, and the two beggars in them, and before them two Pyes, made in all respects alike, the one full of Gold, the other hauing a baked Feasant, or some other fowle to serue for one meale: then were they bid to cast lots: the Pye with the Feasant fell [Page 121] fell to him that said, Oh how happy was he whom the Emperour would please to make rich, and the Pye of Gold to the other.

121. A Scotch Witch.

A Witch in Scotland, arraigned, conuicted, and condemned to bee burnt, being brought to the place of execution, and tyed to the Stake, and the Executioner ready to giue her fire, she casting her eye on the one side spide her owne, and onely sonne, a chubbed young fel­low, and like the child to such a mother: Shee cals to him, and ve­ry earnestly with some acclamati­on, desires him to bring her any quantity of water, or any other li­quor, were it neuer so small, to com­fort her before her death, for shee was extreamely a thirst. At which he onely shooke his head. Shee still the more earnestly importunes him, saying, Why deare child, helpe mee [Page 122] to some drink, be it neuer so little, so it be any, I care not what it bee, for I am fearfull drie. To whom the young man answered, by no means deare Mother will I doe you that iniury, for the drier you are, the better you will burne.

122. A braggard.

A Terrible braggard boasted how it was his chance to meet with two of his arch enemies at once, the one saith he, I tost so high in the ayre, that had he had at his backe a Bakers basket full of bread, though he had eaten all the way, he would haue beene starued in his fall, ere he would haue reacht the ground: and the other hee strooke so deepe into the earth, that he left him no more to bee seene aboue ground, but his head and one of his Armes, and these to no other end, then to put off his Hat to him, as he had occasion to passe that way.

123. The reuersion of an house.

ONe came bragging from the Court of Aldermen, ouerioyed with the obtaining of a suite, for saith he, they haue promised mee the lease of the next house that fals. To whom one standing by replyed, but had it beene my case I should haue petitioned for a house that stood.

A Mayor in the North

A Mayor of a corporation in the North, iust vpon the death of Queene Elizabeth, to an occasion to assemble his Brethren, and to make an Oration, what a good Queene they had lost: but wished them to take comfort, for Pompey, was dead, and Alexander was dead, and all the nine worldlings were dead, but none of all these was so good a Queene as shee. And more­ouer [Page 124] saith he, in this—as Ma­ster Schoole-master calls it, where there are no Iustices of peace, and that no Officers haue any power, but Maiors, Coroners, and Consta­bles, by reason of which many Sea­baleroes take their opportunity to commit diuers outrages, and muti­nies, hoping to scape vnpunished, but saith he, if all other Magistrates will take that strict order, that I pur­pose to doe, there shall none of them all haue the least hope of a resur­rection.

125. A man lying sicke.

A Man lying very sicke, hauing his wife dead not long before, one came to him and counselled him to leaue off the cares of this world, and to thinke of a better place, whither saith hee doe you thinke my wife is gone? no doubt said the other by the grace of God but she is in heauen, O saith he then [Page 125] I care not whither I goe, so I come not where shee is.

126. Of one Fowle a Gentleman.

ONe Fowle by name came vnto a great man in this Kingdome, with a petition, and hauing beene a long sutor was so importunate, that he stirred his patience so farre, that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a Woodcocke as hee was: at which the petitioner smiling, humbly thankes his Lordship, for doing him that present curtesie, the Lord turned backe, and thinking he had mockt, askt him what curte­sie? to which he answered his Lord­ship, truly my Lord, I haue knowne my selfe for a Fowle these fifty yeres, and vpwards, but never knew what fowle, till now that your Lordshippe resolued me: his answer pleased the Lord, and his suit was dispatcht in­stantly.

127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary.

A Yong Gentleman late come out of the Countrey, and not being well acquainted with London, being at an Ordinary, amongst ma­ny other Gallants, to whom he was a meere stranger, Gentlemen saith he, I must intreat you to take notice of an humour that I haue; the truth is, if any man offer to touch the bread that I cut, and lay by my tren­cher, I presently stabb: some smiled, others lookt a little strangely vpon the businesse, till at length one Gen­tleman that sate next him, beganne thus; I intreat you all likewise to take notice of another humour which I haue; and it is this, I pro­test when I perceiue any man begin to stab, I stab againe, and looking him in the face, snacht his bread, and eate it.

128. A Welchman and a Cutpurse.

A Gentleman that had a Welch­man waiting on him came to see a Play, and drawing his purse at the doore which was well furnisht with Crownes, was watcht by a Cutpurse, who dogd him, and tooke his seat close by him, the Welch­man sitting behind his Master, ob­serued that whilst hee was seriously minding the sport, the Cheater had cunningly conuayed his purse out of his pocket, and was about to rise, when presently the Welshman without more words drawes out his knife, and with one slash cut off the Cheaters eare, who startling at the suddennesse of the act, and trou­bled with the smart, lookt behinde him, and askt him what hee meant by it? The Welchman hauing his eare in his hand answered no harme done good friend, no harme done, giue hur Master hur purse, and I will giue hur, hur care.

129. A Gentleman and a Parson.

A Pleasant conceited Gentleman riding by the high way, in the companie of some friends, spyed a Parson of the Country before him, said, Gentlemen yonder is a Schol­ler, let vs mend our pace, and you shall heare me pose him with a que­stion, and after a sleight salutation, Master Parson saith hee, I pray you can you resolue mee what part of speech is Qui mihi discipulus, yes Sir, I can, saith the parson, puer es cupis at (que) deceri, the words are so familiar that I hope they need no Interpre­ter.

130. Of Graue Maurice, and Mar­quesse Spinola.

IT is reported that when Mar­quesse Spinola came first with an Army into the Low-Countryes, that he sent word to Graue Maurice hee [Page 129] was now come somewhat neerer him, and purposed to sit as close vn­to him as his Cassocke to his backe; to whom hee returned this answer, that hee had often knowne when a souldier hath tooke a Merchants Cloake from his shoulders, but that a Merchant should plucke off a soul­diers Cassock, he had seldome heard or neuer.

131. Of Bishop Gardiner.

I Haue read that Bishop Gardiner being deposed in King Edwards dayes, and sent to the Tower, a fel­low meeting him in the way, in great derision saluted him with a low Congee, and bade him good morrow Bishop Olim, whose salu­tation hee returned in these few words, Gramercy knaue semper.

132. An vnhappy Vintners Boy.

TWo Diuines walking along the Towne, the end of the Lane which they should passe through was choaked with Carts, and the corner thereof being a Tauerne, and hauing one doore into the Lane, and another into the street, they made vse of the present, and as they past through, the boy at the barre seeing they called for no wine, Gen­tlemen saith he, is it your custome to goe thorow a Church, and not to say your prayers.

133. Playing with words.

A Diuine willing to play more with words, then to be serious in the expounding of his text, spake thus in some part of his sermon; this Dyall shewes wee must dye all, yet notwithstanding, all houses are tur­ned into Ale-houses: our cares con­uerted [Page 131] into cures: our Paradice in­to a paire of Dice: our mariage to a merry age: our Matrimony to a matter of money: our Diuines into dry Vines: It was not so in the dayes of Noah, Ah no, &c.

134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant.

A Tenant had a horse, which ma­ny times lookt into his Land­lords grounds, for no hedge nor ditch could stop him, but he would still feed where hee saw the best grasse, at length the Landlord sent word vnto his Tenant, that peremp­torily if euer hee tooke his horse in his ground againe, he would cut off his taile. This word being brought vnto the Tenant, hee gaue the mes­senger this short answer; My Land­lord saith he, may doe his pleasure, but tell him againe from me, if he cut off his tayle, Ile cut off his eares. The Landlord vpon this menace sueth him, and binds him to the [Page 132] peace and good behauiour, but whē the cause came to bee decided, the Tenant pleaded that his Landlord had much mistaken him, for his an­swer reached no further then thus: That if his Landlord did cut off his horses tayle, he purposed to cut off his horses eares, and to make him crop-ear'd, as the other had made him cur-taild.

135. Of an old Beggar.

AN old Beggar in Cornwall liued till hee was aboue seuen score yeares, whose name was Ball: And being asked by many, what course he tooke to continue his life to that length of yeares: Hee would still make answer, he loued a cup of good Ale, and that he vsed to drinke con­tinually, but of other Physicke hee neuer tasted any. The Beggar dy­ing a witty gentleman of the Coun­try made of him this Epitaph:

136. A rich man and a Scholler.

A Rich Citizen, whose house was often frequented by Schollers, demanded of one of them what was the reason why Aldermens and great Merchants threesholds were so often trod vpon by schollers; and on the contrary part, why schollers Chambers were so seldome fre­quented by wealthy Citizens. He made him this answer: Because schollers know what they want, but rich men doe not. Another being asked how the learned differ from the vnlearned, replyed, In [Page 134] the same sort that horses which ne­ver felt the curbe or bridle differ from those that haue beene carefully brought vp and mannaged. Ano­ther demanded whether a beggar or a man illiterate or vnlearned wanted most; It was answered, An ignorant man, because a beggar on­ly wanteth money, but the other lacketh all things to a man belon­ging.

137. A Lawyer and a Diuine.

A Graue Diuine hauing a sute in Law, feed his Counsellour, who pleaded very eloquently in his behalfe, and caried the cause cleer­ly from the aduersary: The Church­man comming after to giue him thankes: The Lawyer somewhat proud of his successe, spake to him in this manner: Now Sir, what pro­fit had you reaped by your Diuini­tie, if my Rhetoricke had not helped you out of the Bryars, to whom he [Page 135] replyed and said, This profit I haue gotten by it, that I haue brought before you an honest cause; And all the evidences alledged in my be­halfe, are most iust and true.

138. Of Swimming.

AMongst other communication at the Table, there was dis­course held concerning swimming, in which many excellent in that art were remembred: One of the com­pany listning to their talke, Well my Masters saith he, you talke of swim­mers, but for mine owne part I can swimme no more then a Goose.

139. Of a she-seruant that came to take her oath.

A Waiting Gentlewoman being summoned into a Court to take an Oath (for she was serued in with a sub paena) The Examiner asked how hee should write her [Page 136] downe: A Mayde, a Wife, or a Widow? shee told him that hee should write her downe a Mayd, for shee neuer had had any hus­band. Hee finding her a prettie handsome smugge wench, asked her how old she was; shee told him about the age of six and twentie: six and twentie (saith he willing to sport with her:) then take heed saith he, what you sweare, for you are now vpon your oath, and there­fore, may I securely set you downe Mayd, being of those yeares? The wench made a pause, and conside­ring a while with her selfe: I pray you Sir saith shee, stay your hand a little, and write mee downe young woman.

140. Another Gentleman and a Parson.

A Countrey man ouer-taking a Parson, saluteth him with a how now blacke Coate? Why blacke coate saith the Parson? I vse to call all parsons so saith the other O Ma­ster Saunders, how doe you sir, saith the Parson? Why Saunders, saith the other? I vse to call all Iacks so, saith the Parson.

141. A Lawyer at the Barre.

A Lawyer pleading earnestly in behalfe of his client at the Bar, this case saith he is plaine, and hath beene warranted already by two great, and sufficient Lawyers; the one of them is (as wee make no doubt) in heauen, the other (mea­ning one that was then made a Iudge) is at this time in an higher place.

142. The Tenant to an Arch­bishop.

A Simple man that was Tenant to an Archbishop, came to the Pa­lace, to tender his rent, and by the Porter was directed to the Stew­ard: to whom hee came, and told him that he had brought his Lord­ships worship some money for a cer­taine Cottage in which hee then dwelt. The Steward receiued it, but withall told him, that he must leaue out Worship, & put in Grace. But before the small summe was told, the Archbishop came through the great Hall, and demanded of the Steward what the Poore mans bu­sinesse was? The Tenant preuented his answere, made two or three low legs, and began againe with, if it please his Worship: but the Stew­ard prompting him, told him hee must say Grace. Must I, said the fel­low, [Page 139] why then I will, and holding vp his hands began, The eyes of all things, &c.

133. Of a signe.

A Gentleman passing through a faire Towne, and spying at an Inne gate the signe of a blew Bore, but miserably, and most vnskilfully drawne; rides into the middle of the yard, and cals aloud for some one to take money, downe comes the Chamberlaine, and asked his Worship what hee had had? Had (saith he) nothing: but still importuned him to take money, for he is desirous to take view of the Monster to be seene. The fellow asked him what Monster? Marry, that strange Monster saith he, whose picture you haue hung out to bee seene. Why sir saith he, you mistake your selfe, that is our Signe. Your Signe saith the Gentleman? then I prethee let it hang there still for a [Page 140] signe that the Painter was an asse, and thy Master a Coxcombe who bought it.

144. Of a Translator.

ONe that had translated many books and Volumes, at length publishing the history of Suetonius Tranquillus in English, a pleasant Gentleman writ this distick:

145. A Marriner in a storme.

A Young Marriner being in a great storme at Sea, and in the night when euery one had left their labours, and were at prayers, this fellow had nothing in his mouth, but oh that I could see but two Starres, or but one of the two: and [Page 141] of these words he made so often re­petition, that disturbing the medi­tation of the rest; at length one askt him what two Starres, or what one he meant? To whom hee replyed, Oh that I could but see the Starre in Cheapside, or the Starre in Cole­man streete I care not whether.

146. A desperate Saylor.

ANother desperate Saylor being in a ship that was accidently set on fire, & burning vnder them, when there was no hope of the life of any man of them, but to perish betwixt the two Elements of fire, and water, hee standing vpon the hatches, and is it so, saith hee? Nay then some roasted, and some sod, and so desperately leapt into the sea.

147. A short Cloake.

A Gentleman spying one walke in a must pittifull short Cloake, saith to a friend that was then walking with him, Did you euer see a poore man weare his Cloake so short? Oh there is helpe for that replyed the other, for I see by his countenance that hee can finde a way to weare it longer.

148. Of Wine.

ONe presented a Drunkard for his Newyeares gift, with these few lines:

149. A Welchman arraigned.

A Welchman arraigned, and con­uicted, by the fauour of the Bench, hauing his booke granted him, when hee was burnt in the hand, they bid him say God saue the King. Nay saith he, God blesse my father and my mother, for had not they brought mee vp to write and reade, I might haue beene han­ged for all the King.

150. Of Card-playing.

A Parson in the Countrey liuing amōg his Parishoners & neigh­bors wel, would sometimes at his re­tired hours for his recreatiō, play at Cards amongst them, for which he was much enuied of a Puritane Iu­stice, and the Officiall of the Dio­cesse. These meeting on a market day amongst the chiefe men of the Countrey where the Parson was there present, his two aduersaries began in the Ordinary openly to reproue him at the Table for pro­phane Card-playing, not sitting his Calling. Who hearing them with some impatience, and the rest atten­ding how he could acquit himselfe, he thus began: Right Worshipfull, and the rest of my friend, I am here charged by Master Iustice, and Ma­ster Officiall to be a common Card­player: to which I answere, If all men would make that vse of it that [Page 145] I doe, it would seeme as pardona­ble as I shal make it appeare excusa­ble in me: for mine own part, I neuer see an Ace, but I apprehend that v­nity which ought to bee betwixt man and wife. If a Duce, the loue which should bee betwixt Neigh­bours. If a Tra, if two of my Pari­shioners bee at ods, how needfull a thing it is for a third person to re­concile them, and make them friend; and so of the rest. Nor doe I looke vpon a king, but presently I apprehend the alleageance due to my Prince, and Soueraigne. Nor on a queene, but I remember her sa­cred Maiesty, and the reuerence be­longing to her estate. Nor doe I cast mine eye vpon a Knaue, but he puts me in minde either of you Ma­ster Iustice, or you Master Officiall, or of some other of my good friends. The Iustice and Officiall were answered; and the plaine ho­nest Parson for his iest sake, both applauded and excused.

151. An Epitaph made vpon an ho­nest Cobler.

152. Of a Gentleman visiting of his friend.

A Gentleman comming to giue his sicke friend a courteous vi­sitation, found him extremly faint­hearted and wondrous timerous of death, insomuch that he grew much ashamed at his too much pusillani­mity, especially in regard of the standers by: for hee had nothing in his mouth but ah, woe is mee, [...] no friend neere which will [...] rid me from this paine [Page 147] and anguish which I now suffer? These words were iterated so often that the Gentleman drawing his sword with a menacing looke said, yes sir, you haue one friend yet left that for your sake will doe it, and withall aymed the point directly against his brest. At which proffer the sicke Gentlemen raising him­selfe out of his bed, intreated him to stay his hand, for his desire was to be rid out of his paine, but not out of his life.

153. Of a Captaine that was to be ar­rested.

ONe Captaine Leonard Sampson well known about this towne, being indebted was way-layed by his Creditour, who had feed Ser­geants to arrest him. These spying him in Cheapside, were stealing be­hind him thinking to clap him on the shoulders vnawares, which a Gentleman a friend of his espying, [Page 148] cryed out alowd vnto him and said, The Philistins bee vpon thee Sampson, at which words hee suddenly look­ign backe, and espying the Catch­poles, drew his sword, and by that meanes escaped from the Arrest.

154. Of two knaves accusing one ano­ther.

TWo fellowes of notorious and bad liues, came to complaine at a publike Assizes one of the o­ther, and ript vp so many cheats, vile pranks and mischieuous disor­ders, that both seemed exceeding bad, and hardly it was to be distin­guished which was worse, vpon whom the Iudge gaue sentence, that the one should instantly de­part the Realme, and that the other should as suddenly follow him, and see his sentence to bee strictly exe­cuted.

155. Of a Vintners boy.

TWo Divines passing through a Tauerne and calling for no wine, the Vintners boy seeing them, what saith he, two Preachers goe through the Church and not offer to say their prayers.

156. Of Augustus Caesar.

IT is reported of Augustus Caesar demanded a reward of him alleadg­ing that by reason of his vertue and desert it was noised in the City hee had receiued great gifts of him already: but hee knowing him to be a man of words, without merit, returned him onely this an­swer, Well friend saith hee, what­soeuer the city reports, I would wish thee not to beleeue it. A second, who had bin a Captain of the Horse, and [Page 150] being casheired from his Command petitioned vnto the Emperour, that in regard he had left his place, yet it would please him to allow him an annuall pension: which he did not desire for any profit or gaine, but saith he, to salue my reputation, that the world may not report that I for­feited my place by any insufficiency or negligence: but rather out of my freewill made thereof a voluntary resignation. To whom the Empe­rour made this answer: well honest souldier, doe not then spare to make report to thee a yearly pension, and if any one shall chance hereafter to question me about it, I will not de­ny but that thou hast one. A third (being a yong Nobleman and cal­led Herennius) hauing through his misgouernment and disorder beene commanded to avoid the Campe, he earnestly besought the Emperor that hee would not doe vnto him publike disgrace. For Sir (saith he) [Page 151] if I be turned off with such disgraces I shall neuer dare to shew my face; either vnto my Father, or any of my Noble kinsmen in Rome: For what shall I say vnto them? why saith Augustus Caesar, say vnto them on­ly this: that thou and I were at some difference, and in the deci­ding thereof, I lost thy countenāce, and fauour. A fourth in a skirmish being strucke with a stone and wounded in the face, so that he was much disfigured, yet because hee bore that visible marke in his fore­head, he thereupon grew insolent, boasting of what great acts of Chi­ualrie hee had performed in the warres; which hee not sparing to doe in the sight of the Emperor, He thus derided his arrogance in these few words: Well Sir, (saith hee) Take heed how you looke backe againe the next time that you finde an opportunity to runne away from the battell. Another time, a Knight of Rome deceasing, who had the [Page 152] opinion to be a rich man, when the Executors came to examine his e­state, it was found that he dyed, to the value of two hundred Crownes worse then nothing: and yet all his life time caried himselfe brauely and nobly: when this was reported to the Emperour, he sent to buy his quilt and mattrice, which vsed to lye vpon his bed (for all his goods were sold at an out-cry) one of his Noblemen demanding the reason thereof, He answered, onely for this cause, to sleepe quietly in the night. For no question there was some great vertue in these coue­rings, otherwise he could neuer haue rested to securely being indeb­ted so much money. This was that Augustus who said, I found Rome made of Beech, but I hope to leaue it built of Marble, &c.

157. Of Diogenes.

DIogenes being taken Prisoner was brought into the Market place to bee sold for a slaue, who still as the Cryer made proclama­tion, who will by a slaue. He se­conded him with a loud clamour, and asked what was hee that would buy a Master. A rich Cheffe made vp onely out of money bagges had built a wondrous beautifull house, with this Inscription vpon the great Gate (which was the common en­trance) Let no evill thing enter here. Diogenes comming by and reading what was there inscribed, & know­ing the man withall that built it, made inquiry of the neighbours, which wayes the man went into his house. A man of euill condition, as­king him whether he thought there were any gods or no? he answered, [Page 154] I must needs beleeue there are gods, because I confidently be­leeue that thou art hated of them. Of a Prodigall whose estate he knew could not last long, hee begged an an Almes, and asked no lesse then according to account comes to fiue pounds: The yong Heire deman­ded of him what his reason was to craue so great a summe of money from him, when others had desired at once but an halfe peny: The rea­son is (answered he) because of o­thers that spend sparingly, I am in hope to receiue againe, but of thee that art an vnthrift, I am afraid I shal neuer beg hereafter. To a fellow that had before beene foyled in wrastling and other exercises, and finding him now to practise Phy­sicke; He thus said, my friend, I doe much commend thy policy, for ta­king a safe course, to destroy these by Physicke, who haue disgraced thee by wrastling. To one that asked him what hee would haue to [Page 155] take a sound blow on the pate; hee answered, an Iron Head Peece. To a wanton woman fitting in a stately Horslitter, hee said, truely another Cage would better become that load. And to another who de­manded in what state it were best to marry a wife, hee answered, that for a young man it was too soone, and for an old man too late, &c.

145. Of a Country fellow and a Peere­tree.

A Country-fellow at Bartholo­mew Faire, comming through the Charterhouse in the Euening, chanced to finde a mellow peere, which some had scattered out of their pocket, and tasting it, looked vp vnto the great Elmes grow­ing there, imagining it had fallen from thence. So well hee liked the tast of it, that hee layd by his [Page 156] Cloake, and with a Crabtree Cudgell which hee had then about him, he did so belabour the trees, that those which passed by wonde­red what hee meant, and asking him the reason, he told them, hee purposed onely to fill his belly from these Peere trees, for hee did not thinke there were the like in all his Countrey: They suffered him with some laughing till he had sufficiently tyred himselfe, and then bid him get (like a foole as he was) to his owne lodging.

259. Stratford vpon Auon.

ONe trauelling through Stratford vpon Auon, a Towne most re­markeable for the birth of famous William Shakespeare, and walking in the Church to doe his deuotion, espyed a thing there worthy obser­uation, which was a tombestone laid more then three hundred years agoe, on which was ingrauen an Epitaph to this purpose, I Thomas such a one, and Elizabeth my wife here vnder lye buried, and know Reader I. R. C. and I. Chrystoph. Q. are aliue at this houre to witnesse it.

160. An old Goose.

HENRY the fourth King of France of late famous memo­rie, being vpon a long march where victuals at that time were very scarce, & he extreamely a hungred, at length an honest Gentleman [Page 158] brought a legge of a Brood goose carbonadoed: at which the King long tugging, and not able to pull it asunder. Mort die (saith hee) this is sure a limbe of that Goose, that in Cumellus his time by her gabling sa­ued the Romane Capitoll.

161. An honourable Theefe.

AN Earle in times past in this king­dome, hauing made some pro­sperous voyages abroad, and retur­ned with great prizes from the Spa­nyard: meeting with another yong Earle, who by his fathers death was newly come both to his Meanes, and Title: after some Noble gratu­lation, they fell in discourse of di­uers Sea fights, and ships taken from the Enemy. At lengh, I wonder saith the souldier Earle, that your Lordship being of such remarke in the Court, and Kingdome, doth not for your greater honour vndertake in your owne person some Noble [Page 159] enterprise at sea against the com­mon enemy the Spanyard, as I, and others haue done. To whom hee gaue this modest answere; My wor­thy Lord, I thanke God, my Fa­ther was so carefull, that hee hath husbanded so my present Meanes, and fortunes, that I am able to liue of mine owne reuenues at home, without any need to goe theeuing abroad. Why my Lord saith he, doe you hold me to be a Theefe? Oh yes, (with pardon my Lord) an honourable Theefe.

162. Of S P. Q. R.

A Iest touching these letters, S. P. Q. R. Senatus, Populusque Roma­nus. It so hapned that a new Pope being elected meerly for his deuo­tion, and austerity of life; as vsing an extraordinary spare diet, and sel­seldome seene so much as to smile: Yet after his Inauguration comming to sit in Pontificalibus, hee vsed to [Page 160] feed high, to laugh heartily, and to countenance Iesters, and Buf­foones to make him merry at his Table, which being obserued, one sets vp these foure words, being correspondent to the foure former letters: Sancte Pater quare rides? Holy Father, why doe you laugh? To which the next day was vnder writen, Rideo quia Papa sum, I laugh because I am Pope.

163. An Oppressour.

ONe told a great oppressour he might kill beggars by the law. The other asked him the reason? He answered, because he was before hand in their number, for hee could not kill so many as hee had made before.

144. A writ Nose.

THere was a man whose Nose leaned more towards one side [Page 161] then the other. One disposed to play the wag with him, sir saith he, I know what your nose is not made of, and I know what it is made of, First, I will assure you it is not made of wheat. What then saith the o­ther? I will be iudge by all the com­pany if it be not made of Rie.

165. Of vsury.

ONe bitterly railing against vsu­ry, and extortion, made the sin equall with wilfull murther: but after vpon some vrgent necessity, comming to borrow money of one of his parishioners, desired to haue it for three moneths gratis. Who answered him, truely sir, if to lend money vpon vse be in your o­pinion as great a sinne as murther, to lend money gratis, in my conceit can be a sinne no lesse then man­slaughter.

166. A Scholler and a Townsman.

ONe measuring a Scholler and a Townsman, the question was, which was the higstest? The party hauing at that time in his hand a Pitchforke, thus answered; When I had first set them backe to back, and after well considered them Brow to Brow, I found the Townsman to bee higher then the Scholler by thus much pointing to the tines.

167. Of an ignorant fellow.

ONe of the great stone letters fel from the top of Northampton house, and beat out a schollers braines. It hapned not long after that an honest good fellow that could neither write nor reade, (for such was the vnhappinesse of his bringing vp) being in the compa­ny of three or foure very ingenious [Page 163] Gentlemen, vpon the sudden breaks out into a deepe melancholly, and saith, Well, I thanke God, I can nei­ther write nor reade. One of the rest smiling, replies, you speake strangely, for I thanke God, and so may the rest that are here, that wee can doe both. All's one for that saith hee, yet let my selfe, and many Captaines, and other braue fellowes about the Towne (naming a great many) bee still thankfull that wee can doe neither. They asked his reason? He gave them this satisfa­ction, because saith hee, wee can walke the streetes with that secu­tie that you booke men cannot. They desired him to expresse him­selfe, saith hee, if one letter falling from the top of a great house had the power to knock out the braines of a scholler, what safety should we liue in, to be troubled with foure and twenty letters? Now thanked be heauen, saith he, for as we haue nothing to doe with letters, so I see [Page 164] no reason why letters can haue any thing to doe with vs.

168. Anola horse.

A Horse being iudged to be past his best dayes, one seeing what he was likely to come to, replyed, that then hee was neere his dog dayes. It being further demanded how old he was? The answere was made, that for this yeares he might very lawfully set his foote vnto a bond.

169. Fire and Toe.

ONe seeing a fellow warming his feet by a hot seacole fire; my friend saith hee, what doe you meane to put fire and Toe toge­ther.

170. Borrowing of a Cloake.

A Poore decayed Gentleman, ha­uing pound or sold his Cloake; came to another, to whom hee was knowne, and desired, (knowing he was well furnisht) to supply him with one, for two or three dayes whilst his owne came from dressing, and then hee would vndoubtedly returne it: the Gentleman answered him againe: that hee had not any spare Cloake, but such as belonged to one suite or another and to vn­suite his cloathes hee was loath: yet vpon his importunity, hee was con­tent, to lend him a thinne stuffe Cloake, that belonged to a Summer suit, and that vpon promise, with­in two or three dayes, to restore it: but dayes, weekes, and months came, in which time hee neuer heard of the Gentleman, but some halfe a yeare after, it was his chance to meete him, in the midst of De­cember, [Page 166] in a cold misty morning, with the same cloake vpon him, worne to the very threeds, and scarce able to hang vpon him; which the other seeing, stayeth him, and challengeth him, vpon his breach of promise, and tells him withall, that in regard of the priuate cheate, hee will doe him a publike disgrace: & take his owne (howsoeuer worth nothing) wheresoeuer hee findes it, and so offers to pluck it from off his shoulders. The other desires him to forbeare, and tells him hee may doe more then he can answer. How saith hee, haue I not to doe with mine owne, what I please? In this case (answers hee) you cannot. Giue me your reason, saith the credi­tor. Then thus, saith hee, when, I borrowed this cloake of you, I was a Protestant, but since am turned Roman Catholike, and comming to my confessor amongst others. I told him how vngratefully I had vsed you, concerning this poore [Page 167] garment, for which hee inioyned mee this penance, Hast thou said he, had the pleasure to weare this light Cloake all this warme Sommer? thē I command thee as a punishmēt, not to leaue it off for the space of this cold, and frosty winter, and so slipt away from him.

171. One begd for a foole.

A Knight, held to bee a very wise­man in his life, left behind him a sonne, and heire that was none of the best witted, to inherit his Land: who was begd for a foole, and sum­moned into the court of Wards for his answer: when question was made vnto him, what hee could say for himselfe, why his lands should not be taken from him, hee said, It is reported, that my father was a wiseman, and begott a foole to inherit his estate after his death, who can tell, him that I a foole, may beget a wiseman to inherit after me [Page 168] his answer carried it, and he, and his remaine in possession of the same reuenues vnto this day.

172. A Traueller drowned.

A Traueller reported to be drow­ned, a friend of his being in cōpany, when the letters came, that brought the first newes of his death: fetcht a great sigh, with these words, God rest his soule, for he is gone the way of all flesh. Nay saith another thē standing by, if hee be drowned hee is rather gone he way of all fish.

173. A Knight of Italy.

A Knight of Italy sitting downe to a feast, and seeing two anci­ent neglected gentlemen standing by, (who had beene great souldiers) whilest the youngmen disposed of themselues, at the table, hee instant­ly rose from the table, and to the rest of the guests said, Most iustly ought [Page 169] wee to afford these Gentlemen places whereon to sit, for had they not beene in such a great battle a­gainst the Turke, we had not at this time, had any thing whereof to eate.

174. A Gentleman boasting of his wit.

A Young Gentleman, being at an ordinary was boasting ex­ceedingly of his trauells, adding withall that he spent three yeares abroade in forreigne Countries, and liued without any Exhibition from his parents, and friends; or any supply from his Country: But meerly by his owne naturall wit, to whom another answered, truly sir, I thinke neuer any trauelled at a more easie rate.

175. A Iustice and a Baud.

A Notorious Baud being brought before a Iustice of Peace, for many leud demenours, but especi­ally [Page 170] for keeping a common brothell house, was examined of diuerse par­ticulars, all which she obstinately denied, though there were proofes sufficient, apparantly to conuict her, which the Iustice hearing, Well, huswife saith he, you keepe a com­mon brothell house, & I will maine­taine it. Marry I thanke your good worship saith shee, for such a support I haue great need of.

176. Of a Citizen, and a Gardeners Boy.

A Rich tradesman in the City, tooke a Summer house in the country, with a faire Garden land Orchard, amongst many other plāts, one was commended vnto him, which as yet had neuer borne any fruit, the Citizen gaue the gardiner a great charge, that when the time of the yeare came, hee should bee carefull to saue the Apples that came of it, in regard the graft was [Page 171] commended vnto him by so especi­all a friend, the gardiner did so, and sent them to London by a young lad his son, who presented thē being 3 in number, to his Master & Mistris, they seeing them look so louely, pre­sently fell to eating them, he one & she another: the boy looking wishly vpon them, and shee obseruing it, I pray you husband giue the one Apple to the boy, for he may long: which hee did, the boy presently drawes his knife to pare his Apple before he eates it, the Gentlewoman noting it; askt him why he did not eate it as they did with the skin on, marry quoth he, if please you, one of the three slipt out of my hand by the way into the dirt, and this may bee it for ought that I know.

177. An old Ʋicar.

AN old Vicar in Lancashire, that read prayers in a Chappell of ease, hauing but one sonne, bred him in the vniuersity, whose name was Iohn, who profited well, proued a graduate: and was made minister: who comming home in a vacation to see his father, was requested by the parishioners to bestow a Sunday Sermon on them, who willingly assented, and comming into the pul­pit, and reading his text, I Iohn saw the new Ierusalem, his father heare­ing him, presently starts vp, and said aloud, beleeue him not my good neighbours, for he is a young lying knaue, he was neuer in Ieru­salem, no further then Cambridge in all his life, but one iogging him on the elbow, said, peace Master Vicar for shame, will you not giue him leaue to read his text? Oh was it his text saith he, nay then let him proceed a Gods name.

178. Two Debawsht fellowes.

TWo debawsht Fellowes, propo­sing diuerse courses how to liue; saith one, my purpose is to keepe a Tobacco shop: How wilt thou come by Tobacco, and pipes, saith the other? why saith he, I will goe vpon the ticket. But saith hee, how wilt thou doe for a shop? Marry saith he, I haue iust so much money, as will serue for earnest; and I will take one by the quarter. How wilt thou doe saith his friend, to pay the rent? hee beginning to answer, that when the quarter day comes, the other preuenting him, saying, then lay the Key vnder the doore, no answered hee againe, I haue be­thought me of a farre better course, I wil according to the old Prouerbe, put my pipes in my bag and so get me away.

179. A lame Horse.

VPon a Friday in Smithfield one willing to put off a lame Horse, and therefore not willing to haue him rid; had tied him by the Bridle to the Railes, a chap­man liking the Nag came some­what neare his price, because the seller warranted him sound of wind and limbe, but before hee would part with his money, desirous to see what metall hee had, hee rid him vpon the Stones, and perceiued the poore Iade to halt downe right, at which the Chap­man vexing, asking the other if hee was not ashamed, to put a lame vnseruiceable Iade vpon him, and warrant him sound. To whom the other answered, I assure you hee is as sound, as any Horse in England, but that it was your [Page 175] fortune to try him when his foote was a sleepe.

180. A Woman, and her Husband.

IN the time of auricular con­fession, a woman who not with­out cause, was Iealous of her husband, came to the confessor to enquire of him, whether at any time hee had reuealed any such thing in his confession: and preuailed so farre with him, by vow of concealment, that hee told her, that if within some few dayes, after his next com­ming to confession, hee presen­ted her with cloath to make her a new gowne, as in the way of recompence for some iniury be­fore done her, she might apprehend some thing, but more then that shee could not get from him. The woman well conceiuing as it was, [Page 176] found as hee had told her, that her good man presented her with a new gowne, and after many faire, and flattering words, Sweet wife saith hee, how dost thou like the cloath? she conceiuing how the bu­sines went, marry so well my most deare and louing husband, that I vow ere many dayes goe ouer my head to prouide you a cloake out of the same peice.

181. A Townesman and a Scholler.

A Townesman in one of the V­niuersities with his compani­ons on one side of the way, a compa­ny of Schollers were on the other, both being within hearing at such a time, as a droue of Oxen was to passe betwixt them, when one of the Townesmen according to his wit thought to tosse a iest among them, said, Those that come yon­der seeme to be schollers by their long tailes. To whom the schollers replyed, But they appeare to bee Townesmen by their high fore­heads.

182. Of fiue Vintners.

FIue Vintners riding into Kent, to be merry, vpon horses hyred or borrowed, in their return cōming [Page 178] through Greenwich, they alighted at the Tauerne next to the bridge, and there fell a healthing so long, till it grew towards night, one tum­bling on a bed, another sate drow­sie in a chaire, onely one stood stiffely to it, and told them plainly if they would not get vp and take horse hee would leaue them there, be instantly gone, and commend them to their wiues at London: but they all agreed to stay there that night, to set vp their horses, and to take the benefit of the morning. With this answere away goes he. It being now growne darke, and he keeping the Londoners pace a tan­tiuie: it hapned that within a little of Debtford, a dead horse lay full in the way, iust of the same colour of that on which hee rid. His liue horse stumbles at the dead, both are ouerthrowne, but the foure legs being nimbler then the two, gets vp first, and away he plods onward his iourney towards London. The [Page 179] Vintner much bruised with the fall riseth with difficulty, and curseth his lade, and gropes in the darke if it be possible to find him, and lights vpon the dead one, kicks to rouse him vp, but all in vaine, he will not stirre. The poore man in this per­plexity is almost at his wits end: but spying a Candle some Bowes shoot before him, he makes towards it, and within a little space finds him­selfe within Debtford, there he en­quires for a Farrier or a Smith, they direct him to his house. But Vulcan had got a cup in his pate, and was gone to bed, he is earnest to haue him rise: but the Smith will not by any meanes, vnlesse hee will giue him a crowne in hand, which is done. Vp gets the Smith, cals his man to carry a Candle, and Lan­thorne, he tels him all his misfor­tune by the way, and directs him to the place of his distaster, intreating him to vse all the art he can in the recouery of his horse, being but [Page 180] hyred. By this time they come to the sad spectacle, the smith lifts at his head, & his man at the taile; but finding no motion, giue him ouer as lost. The Vintner looking sadly vpon the businesse, fetcheth a great sigh, and saith, whilst I haue beene knocking vp the smith, some body hath stolne away my bridle and saddle. Back to the Towne goeth he with the Farrier and his man, resoluing to sit vp that night, and to comfort himselfe with a cup of good Ale, to which the Smith brings him, where I leaue them potting together, and from thence looke backe to Greenwich. The morning comes, where my late drousie Vintners are fresh, and stir­ring, and gallopping through Debtford, are spyde by their fift companion, who cals after them, they wonder to see him there, and askt if he had done their com­mendations to their Wiues, hee intreats them to leaue off their [Page 181] iesting, and tels them all the former circumstances of his last nights misfortune: some laught at him, others lament with him, accor­ding their seuerall humours, and with this discourse he on foote, and they on horsebacke haue left the Towne a mile behinde them, when one of them casting his eye of the one side, spyes a horse brideled and sadled, browsing on the hedge, and saith withall, is not that the beast you rid on? He dares not acknowledge him. That is sure the same Saddle & Bridle saith another, or very like them, but hee hath scarce faith to beleeue it. At length all of them agree, that both horse & furniture are the same, but he can hardly be wonne, being sure to pay for one, to hazzard the dan­ger of stealing another. But at length they preuaile with him, vp hee mounts, the Stirrops fit him and deliuering him at the stable from whence he hyred him, is by [Page 182] the owner acknowledged for the same.

183. Two striuing for the Wall.

TWo Gentlemen meeting, the one iustled the other from the wall, and had almost made him to measure his length in the Kennell, who by much a doe hauing reco­uered himselfe, came vp close to him, and askt him whether he were in iest, or in earnest? He told him plainly, that what hee did, was in earnest. And I am very glad you haue told me so, for I protest I loue no such iesting saith the other. By which words hee put off the quar­rell.

184. The answer of a Doctor.

A Worthy Doctor of Cambridge amongst many other charitable deedes done in his life time, at his owne charge made a faire causey or high way some mile in length, to the great benefit of the Countrey; and being one day there in person to visit the labourers, and to see how the worke went forward, it hap­ned that a Nobleman riding that way by chance, and knowing him, gaue him a kinde salutation; but withall thinking to breake a iest on him, Master Doctor saith hee, for all your great charge and paines, yet I beleeue not saith hee that this is the high way to Heauen. I am of your minde in that my Lord, reply­ed the Doctor, for if it were, I should haue wondred to haue met your Lordship here.

185. A Horsecourser.

ONe comming into Smithfield on a Friday market, call'd to a Horsecourser aloud, and said, I pre­thee my friend, how goe horses to day? To whom hee answered, marry as you see, some amble, some trot, and some gallop.

186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King.

KIng Iames being a hunting and very earnest in his sport, a Countrey fellow crost it, in so much that the dogs were at a losse: At which the King being extreamely angry, drew his Skeine, and rides after the man, with all the speed he possibly can. Who perceiuing the King to pursue him in his anger, cryed out aloud, I beseech your Maiesty to pardon me, for I haue no desire to be knighted yet: and this [Page 185] hee spoke so often, that hee turned the Kings rage into laughter, who bid him to ride fast enough, and farre enough and bee hang'd, for he better deserued a halter, then to be knighted.

187. Women Writers.

ONe asking a question why wo­men either all, or the most part, when they learne to write, practise Romane hand, It was an­swered him againe, that it stood with great reason, for he had neuer heard of any woman, that made good Secretary.

188. A Country fellow at a Gentle­mans Table.

A Country fellow being admit­ted to a Gentlemans table, fell vpon the Artichokes at lower end, and eating the burres was almost choakt, saith one that sate nere him, friend why are you busie with them so soone, being a dish reserued for the last, to whom hee answered as well as he could speake, Marry I am of your minde, for I thinke they are the last dish that ever I shall taste of.

189. Of curtaling names.

A Gallant about this Towne, that was admitted into the company of the prime, and choicest Gentlemen, vsed to curtall their names, and onely to call them Ro­bin, Will, Iack, Dick, and Tom, and being asked why he was so familiar with men of that ranke and quality, [Page 187] to giue them no better attributes and titles, answered it is my humor, and I vow withall, that if the King should call mee Iacke, I would call him Charles by the grace of God.

190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen.

A Gentleman whose name was Apollo, being very low of sta­ture, but richly conceited, comming into anothers Chamber whose name was Master Towers, and finding him absent, who because hee was a big man, and looking vpright vsed an affected gate, finding paper, pen, and inke there, writ this hexameter,

The other comming in, and know­ing the hand, sent him the same line with another vnderwritten.

190. A Knight and his man.

A Gentleman hauing a Seruing­man, who vsed still to ride with his head in his bosome, for which he had often checkt him, but neuer made him reforme it, vpon a time riding to a Noblemans house not far of about some vrgent busines, whilst the Master was busie with the Lord in his Chamber, the Gentlemen had got the man into the Cellar where they had giuen him as much drinke as his skin would hold: in the Inte­rim his Master hauing dispath this businesse, came suddenly and called his man to get his horse ready, which he did, in the way home the Ma­ster obseruing that contrary to his former custome he rid vpright with his chin almost leuell to his nose, askt him the reason why now more then at other times hee rid bolt vp­right; Marry Sir saith he, if you will needs know, it is to keepe in my drinke.

191. A Doctor of Physicke, and a Serving man.

ONe thinking to put a trick vp­on an excellent D. of Physicke, had mingled with the water in his Vrinall the powder of a brick batt, which settled to the bottom shewes like red grauell, that comes from the kidneyes, he shewes it to the Doctor, and tells him that it was his Masters water, who lay in grieuous paine, desiring his Worships counsel, what would giue him some ease, the D ^r. chafed it vp and downe, and tried it by the fire; In conclusion found out the fellowes knauery, and cunningly closing with him, my friend saith he, wouldst thou haue my counsell to preuent this terrible disease which is growing on thy M ^r? yes sir saith he, that was the cause of my com­ming to your Worship. Then tell him, replyed the Doctor, all that I [Page 190] can prescribe him at this time, is that he eate no more Artichokes, and at that word, broke the Vrinall vpon his pate, and so left him.

192. One that parted a Fray.

ONe parting a Fray was cut in­to the skull, and comming to be drest, as hee was searching the wound, saith he, here is a dange­rous Orifice, your pery-cranium is pierced, so that one may plainly see your braines beat, I doe not beleeue that saith the patient, for had I had any braines at all, I should neuer haue beene so mad, as to haue come betwixt them to part the Fray.

193. A bargaine in Smithfield.

A Pleasant fellow willing to put off a Lame Horse, rid him from the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate, to the Sunne in Hol­burne, neere to Fullers Rents, and [Page 191] the next day offering him to sell him in Smithfield, the buyer asking him, why he looked so leane. Marry no marvell answered hee, for but yesterday, I rid him from Sunne to Sunne, and neuer drew bridle.

194. An Vsurer dying.

AN Vsurer being dead, was opened, and found without a Heart, at which the standers by as well as the Surgeon wondered, but none could giue a reason of the Prodegie, at length saith one of the Executors, it may bee his heart now hee is dead, is where it was when he was liuing, and looking in his Chest where his money lay: they found it there.

195. A Doctor and a Scholler.

A Doctor of the Vniversity be­ing of more standing then lear­ning, being at Dinner in the Hall, and hearing a fellow Commoner speake lowder thē the rest, calls to a Iunior Scholler that waited, and said goe to that Gentleman from me, and tell him Vir sapit, qui pauca loquitur, which being delivered him, com­mend me saith hee, to M. Doctor, and tell him that I say Vir loquitur, qui pauca sapit, which inversion lest it be iustly asperst on me, here I set my period.