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'English? But you already know your English, don't you?'
I have heard it several times the past two months, when I have told friends about my choice of course this term. The fact is, I do not at all feel as confident in using English as I ought to be, and as people think I am, considering me having a British father and being a British citizen. I am born here in Sweden and have lived here all my life, more or less. Daddy has always spoken English at home, but I myself answer him in Swedish! This has, of course, resulted in that I have always understood spoken English very well. I believe I have an awareness of idiomatic expressions and the language in its whole, due to having been surrounded by English since I was born: nursery rhymes, bedtime stories, regular visits to England - we even lived there a year when I was 2-3 years old.

When it comes to reading, it is almost the same as with listening; I understand quite easily. Of course there are words that I never have seen before, but I do not usually look them up - you can always understand the context anyway. Though when I first came to University, I realised that reading course literature in technical English provides some difficulties. Often I have to read a paragraph more than twice to really grasp it. I suppose it is because I am unused.
I am tempted by novels, but I never get round to reading them. Does that depend on lack of time or lack of ambition - or both? On the other hand, I remember reading a lot between the age of eight and eleven. And though I did not realise it back then, it must have increased my vocabulary a great deal, joining the adventures of the Famous Five and the Secret Seven by Enid Blyton, and giggling at Roald Dahl's wonderful stories.
If there is such a term as a "passive bilingual", I would consider myself as one. Reading and listening to everyday English is natural to me, but since I never have used English at home, my speaking and writing is not at all what it could have been.

Another reaction that I have heard very often is:
	 'Oh, so your Dad is English, well, then you must be very good!'
And, naturally, when I was ten and my friends started learning English at school, I was "very good", in comparison to them. I did not have to learn how to spell hello or the or you, I did not have to memorise the rule that the third person singular, present tense, takes an -s.
But all this, being seen as "the English speaker" as a child, must have put some sort of pressure on me. I have now noticed that when I am speaking to exchange students or during discussions in class, all the words and expressions I know so well will just not come out. I make stupid grammar mistakes that I hear the moment I am saying them, and I cannot find even the most basic words! And in addition to this, other people are using words I never would think of myself. This is extremely frustrating, and I have tried to think of what it can depend on. It must be because I am expecting myself, and I feel that people who know me expect me, to be so fluent and self-confident. Why cannot I be like everybody else, taking it easy and slowly when speaking English? 

As far as writing is concerned, I have not a great experience of writing in English, apart from the compulsory tasks at school, and a letter now and then. But I find that far more easier than speaking. When I can sit for hours thinking of how to formulate myself, looking up everything I am not sure of, making how many changes I like, without the direct pressure from an audience, I feel much more confident.

So, to sum up this evaluation, I would say that an English course at University is just what I need! I need to be forced to read fiction, opportunities to practise speaking, some help with my writing, just to mention a few aspects. It is going to be very interesting to see how much I will improve.
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