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IT may be said, without offence to other Cities, of much greater consequence in the World, that our Town of Dublin doth not want it's due proportion of Folly, and Vice, both Native and Imported; And as to those Imported, we have the advantage to receive them last, and consequently after our happy manner to improve, and refine upon them.
But, because there are many Effects of Folly and Vice among us, whereof some are general, others confined to smaller Numbers, and others again, perhaps to a few individuals; There is a Society lately established, who at great expence, have Erected an Office of Intelligence, from which they are to receive Weekly Information of all Important Events and Singularities, which this famous Metropolis can furnish. Strict injunctions are given to have the truest Information: In order to which, certain qualified Persons are employed to attend upon Duty in their several Posts; some at the Play-house, others in Churches, some at Balls, Assemblees, Coffee-houses, and meetings for Quadrille; some at the several Courts of Justice, both Spiritual and Temporal, some at the College, some upon my Lord Mayor and Aldermen in their publick Affairs; lastly, some to converse with favourite Chamber-maids, and to frequent those Ale-houses, and Brandy-Shops, where the Footmen of great Families meet in a Morning; only the Barracks and Parliament-house are excepted; because we have yet found no enfans perdus bold enough to venture their Persons at either. Out of these and some other Store-houses, we hope to gather Materials enough to Inform, or Divert, or Correct, or Vex the Town.
But as Facts, Passages, and Adventures of all kinds, are like to have the greatest share in our Paper, whereof we cannot always Answer for the Truth; due Care shall be taken to have them applyed to feigned Names, whereby all just Offence will be removed; for if none be guilty, none will have cause to Blush or be Angry; if otherwise, then the guilty Person is safe for the future upon his present Amendment, and safe for the present, from all but his own Conscience.
There is another Resolution taken among us, which I fear will give a greater and more general discontent, and is of so singular a Nature, that I have hardly confidence enough to mention it, although it be absolutely Necessary by way of Apology, for so bold and unpopular an Attempt. But so it is, that we have taken a desperate Counsel to produce into the World every distinguished Action, either of Justice, Prudence, Generosity, Charity, Friendship, or publick Spirit, which comes well attested to us. And although we shall neither here be so daring as to Assign Names, yet we shall hardly forbear to give some hints, that perhaps to the great displeasure of such deserving Persons may endanger a Discovery. For we think that even Virtue it self, should submit to such a Mortification, as by it's visibility and example, will render it more useful to the World. But however, the Readers of these Papers, need not be in pain of being over-charged, with so dull and ungrateful a Subject. And yet who knows, but such an occasion may be offered to us, once in a Year or two, after we shall have settled a Correspondence round the Kingdom.
But after all our boasts of Materials, sent us by our several Emissaries, we may probably soon fall short, if the Town will not be pleased to lend us further Assistance towards entertaining it self. The World best knows it's own Faults and Virtues, and whatever is sent shall be faithfully returned back, only a little Embellished according to the Custom of AUTHORS. We do therefore Demand and Expect continual Advertisements in great Numbers, to be sent to the PRINTER of this Paper, who hath employed a Judicious Secretary to Collect such as may be most useful for the Publick.
And although we do not intend to expose our own Persons by mentioning Names, yet we are so far from requiring the same Caution in our Correspondents, that on the contrary, we expressly Charge and Command them, in all the Facts they send us, to set down the Names, Titles, and Places of Abode at length; together with a very particular Description of the Persons, Dresses, and Dispositions of the several Lords, Ladies, Squires, Madams, Lawyers, Gamesters, Toupees, Sots, Wits, Rakes, and Informers, whom they shall have occasion to mention; otherwise it will not be possible for us to adjust our Style to the different Qualities, and Capacities of the Persons concerned, and Treat them with the Respect or Familiarity, that may be due to their Stations and Characters, which we are Determined to observe with the utmost strictness, that none may have cause to Complain.
Occursare capro, cornu ferit ille, caveto. Vir.
MY design, in Writing this Paper, being chiefly to expose such Barbarians, who think themselves exempt from those Laws of Hospitality, which have, through all Ages and Countries, been observed by the best and most distinguished part of Mankind; I hope I shall, even in my own Country, find Persons enough, to joyn with me in a hearty detestation of a certain Country-Squire, at the Relation of the following Fact, which I shall tell without the least Aggravation, or Partiality.
Two Clergy-men, of some Distinction, Travelling to the Country for their Health, happened to set up together in a small Village, which was under the Dominion of a certain Animal, dignified with a brace of Titles, that of a Militia-Collonel, and a Squire. One of these Gentlemen standing in the Street, and observing a Coach-man driving his Coach and four Horses furiously against him, turned into the close Passage between his Inn and the Sign-post, but the Coach-man, instead of driving through the middle of the Street, which was the usual and most commodious way, turned short, and Drove full upon the Gentleman, without any Notice, so that he was on a sudden enclosed between the fore-horses, and if his Friend and another Gentleman, who were in the middle of the Street, had not suddenly cryed out to stop the Coach, he must have unavoidably been trodden under the Horses Feet, and his Body bruised to Death by the Wheels running over him. His Friend who saw with Terror what had like to have befallen him, full of Indignation, repaired immediately to the aforesaid Squire or Collonel (to whom he was told the Equipage belonged) with a Complaint against his Coach-man. But the Squire instead of expressing any Concern, or offering any Redress, sent the Doctor away with the following Answer. Sir, I have a great Regard for your Cloath, and have sent my Coach-man to ask your Friend's Pardon; for one of your Servants this moment, told me what had happened. But, Sir, said the Doctor, do you think that is sufficient? I dare venture to affirm, if the like had befallen you, within the Liberties of my Friend, and you were brought to the same Danger by his Servant, he would not only have him Punished, but at the same time, he would discharge him his Service. Sir, (said the Collonel) I tell you again, that I have sent my Coach-man to ask his Pardon, and I think that is enough, which he spoke with some sturdiness; and well he might; for he had two Cannons at his Back. Good God, said the Doctor to himself, (when he had got out of Gun-shot) what a Hottentot have I been talking to! who so little values the Life of a Gentleman, and as it happen'd that very Gentleman, to whom the Nation hath in a particular manner been obliged. Back he went full of Resentment, for the slighting Treatment his Friend met with, and very Candidly reported all that passed; who being a Man of a different Spirit from that wretched Collonel, ordered one of his Servants to Write the following Letter.
SIR, MY Master commanded me to tell you, That if you do not punish and turn off that Villain your Coach-man, he will think there was a Design upon his Life, I put this in Writing for fear of mistakes,
I am your humble Servant to command
A. R.
The Superscription was, FOR SQUIRE WETHER, or some such Name.
This Letter was delivered, and away went the Travellers. They had not Rode far, before they fell into the Company of a Gentleman, a degree above the common Level, and who seemed to be a Man of Candor and Integrity, which encouraged them to recount what had happened. He said in Answer, that they had a narrow escape; and it was a Wonder that the whole Town did not fall upon them at once, and worry them; for the People there, had little or no Devotion, besides what was engaged to the Squire, as an Effect of the Terrors, they lay under from their Landlord, who Rode them all down, as poor as his Fox-hunters. After this he took occasion with great Modesty, and Decency, to draw his Character, which was to the following purpose. That the Squire had about fifteen hundred Pounds a Year, and lived in a long White-Barn; where no Man living was one Farthing the better for him. That his Piety consisted in Six Psalms every Day after Dinner, without one Drop of Wine. That he had once reduced a certain Reverend Dean, plumper than any two of his Brethren, to be as slender about the Waste as a Weazle by a Fortnight Scouring of bad Ale, to which the Dean was not accustomed. That his hospitality was within the enclosure of a Rampart, with a Draw-bridge. That if any Gentleman was admitted by chance, his entertainment was lean Salt-beef, sour Beer, and Muddy Ale. That his Charity was as much upon the catch as a Pick-pocket; for his method was to bring others to erect Charity-Schools, by promising his Assistance, and so leaving them in the Lurch.
That without the least Tincture of Learning, he was a
great pretender to Oratory and Poetry, and eminently bad at
both, which (I hope I shall be excused the Digression)
brings to my Memory a Character, given by Julius Capitolinus
of the Emperor VERUS. Melior quidem Orator fuisse dicitur,
quam Poeta; imo (ut verius dicam) pejor Poeta quam Rhetor,
(viz.) He was a better Orator than Poet, but, to speak the
thing more properly, He was a viler Poet than an Orator. But
to give you a Specimen of his Genius, I shall repeat an
Epigram of his own Composition (and I am very sure it is
every Line his own, without any help) which is drawn by a
Sign-Dawber on the Cross-board of a Ferry-boat, in
Characters that have hitherto stood the Fury of all
Weathers.
The behaviour of this Squire being of the most Savage
kind, I think my self obliged out of the tender Regard,
which I bear to all Strangers, and Travellers, to animadvert
upon him in as gentle a manner as the occasion will allow.
And therefore I shall first lay down a few Postulatums. That
every Travelling-Gentleman is presumed to be under the
Protection of the Governing-Mayor, Sovereign, Portriff, or
Squire of the Town or Village, which he happens to make his
Stage. That the Laws of Humanity, Hospitality and Civility,
oblige him, if there be no Accommodation in the Publick
Houses, fit for a Person of Distinction, to invite him to
his own, or supply the Deficiencies as well as he can. That
if any Insult or Injury be offered either to such a
stranger, or his Servants, the Squire is obliged to justify,
vindicate, and espouse their Cause. This was the method
observed among the civilized People of the old Jewish, and
Heathen World; Where we find some of the Patriarchs
themselves condescending to wash the Feet of such
Travellers, as they entertained. And so sacred was the
Regard for Strangers among the Heathens, that they dignifyed
their Supreme GOD with the Title of Jupiter Hospitalis.
Nothing was thought so monstrous as to offer any Violence to
Sojourners among them, which was so religiously observed,
that it became the glory of the most distinguished Heroes,
to destroy and extirpate such as were remarkable for their
Cruelty to Strangers. This it was, which added so much glory
to the character of Theseus, for the Punishments he
inflicted on Sisiphus, Procrustes, &c. It was owing
likewise to a generous Indignation, That Hercules threw
Diomede (The Collonel and Squire of that Age) to be devoured
by those Horses, which he fed with the Flesh of poor
Travellers, and I find upon enquiry that they were Coach-
Horses too. I shall make no farther remark upon this, nor
Application, but say to the Squire, That it is very happy
for him the present Age has not one Hercules left, or a Week
would not pass, before he should feel the weight of that
Heroe's Club, or be thrown by way of Reprizal under his own
Horses feet. And I may farther add, that in this whole
Kingdom, from one end of it to the other, another Squire
could not be found, who would behave himself in the same
manner to the same Person; but Hundreds, who on the
Contrary, would have given all the Satisfaction, that
Gentlemen of Justice, Humanity, and common Benevolence ought
to do, upon the like accident, although they had never seen
him before. I confess this Paper contains nothing besides a
dry Fact, and a few occasional Observations upon it. But in
the former I told my READERS, that Facts would be the chief
part of the Entertainment, I meant to give them. If what I
have said, may have any Effect on the Person concerned, (to
whom care shall be taken to send this Account) or if it
helps to revive the old spirit of Hospitality among us, or
at least begets a Detestation of the like inhuman Use in
others; one part of my design is answered. However, it
cannot be unseasonable to expose Malice, Avarice, Brutality,
and Hypocrisie, wherever we find it.
Ipse per Omnes ibit Personas,Et turbam reddet in uno.
THE Players having now almost done with the Comedy, called the Beggars Opera, for this Season, it may be no unpleasant Speculation, to reflect a little upon this Dramatick Piece, so singular in the Subject, and the manner, so much an Original, and which hath frequently given so very agreeable an Entertainment.
Although an evil Tast be very apt to prevail, both here, and in London, yet there is a point which whoever can rightly Touch, will never fail of pleasing a very great Majority; so great, that the Dislikers, out of Dulness or Affectation will be silent, and forced to fall in with the Herd; the point I mean, is what we call Humour, which in its Perfection is allowed to be much preferable to Wit, if it be not rather the most useful, and agreeable Species of it.
I agree with Sir William Temple, that the Word is peculiar to our English Tongue, but I differ from him in the Opinion, that the thing it self is peculiar to the English Nation, because the contrary may be found in many Spanish, Italian, and French Productions, and particularly, whoever hath a Tast for True Humour, will find a Hundred Instances of it in those Volumes Printed in France, under the Name of Le Theatre Italien, to say nothing of Rabelais, Cervantes, and many others.
Now I take the Comedy or Farce, (or whatever Name the Criticks will allow it) called the Beggars Opera; to excell in this Article of Humour. And, upon that Merit, to have met with such prodigious success both here, and in England.
As to Poetry, Eloquence, and Musick, which are said to have most Power over the minds of Men, it is certain that very few have a Tast or Judgment of the Excellencies of the two former, and if a Man succeeds in either, it is upon the Authority of those few Judges, that lend their Taste to the bulk of Readers, who have none of their own. I am told there are as few good Judges in Musick, and that among those who Crowd the Operas, Nine in Ten go thither meerly out of Curiosity, Fashion, or Affectation.
But a Taste for Humour is in some manner fixed to the very Nature of Man, and generally Obvious to the Vulgar, except upon Subjects too refined, and Superior to their Understanding.
And as this Taste of Humour is purely Natural, so is Humour it self, neither is it a Talent confined to Men of Wit, or Learning; for we observe it sometimes among common Servants, and the meanest of the People, while the very Owners are often Ignorant of the Gift they possess.
I know very well, that this happy Talent is contemptibly Treated by Criticks, under the Name of low Humour, or low Comedy; but I know likewise, that the Spaniards and Italians, who are allowed to have the most Wit of any Nation in Europe, do most excell in it, and do most esteem it.
By what Disposition of the mind, what Influence of the Stars, or what Situation of the Clymate this endowment is bestowed upon Mankind, may be a Question fit for Philosophers to Discuss. It is certainly the best Ingredient towards that kind of Satyr, which is most useful, and gives the least Offence; which instead of lashing, Laughs Men out of their Follies, and Vices, and is the Character which gives Horace the Preference to Juvenal.
And although some things are too Serious, Solemn, or Sacred to be turned into Ridicule, yet the Abuses of them are certainly not, since it is allowed that Corruption in Religion, Politicks, and Law, may be proper Topicks for this kind of Satyr.
There are two ends that Men propose in Writing Satyr, one of them less Noble than the other, as regarding nothing further than personal Satisfaction, and pleasure of the Writer; but without any View towards Personal Malice; The other is a Publick Spirit, prompting Men of Genius and Virtue, to mend the World as far as they are able. And as both these ends are innocent, so the latter is highly commendable. With Regard to the former, I demand whether I have not as good a Title to Laugh, as Men have to be Ridiculous, and to expose Vice, as another hath to be Vicious. If I Ridicule the Follies and Corruptions of a Court, a Ministry, or a Senate; are they not amply payed by Pensions, Titles, and Power, while I expect and desire no other Reward, than that of Laughing with a few Friends in a Corner. Yet, if those, who take Offence, think me in the Wrong, I am ready to Change the Scene with them, whenever they please.
But if my Design be to make Mankind better, then I think it is my Duty, at least I am sure it is the Interest of those very Courts and Ministers, whose Follies or Vices I Ridicule, to reward me for my good Intentions; For, if it be reckoned an high point of Wisdom to get the Laughers on our side, it is much more easy, as well as Wise to get those on our side, who can make Millions Laugh when they please.
My Reason for mentioning Courts, and Ministers, (whom I never think on, but with the most profound Veneration) is because an Opinion obtains, that in the Beggars Opera there appears to be some Reflections upon Courtiers and States- Men, whereof I am by no means a Judge.
It is true indeed that Mr. GAY, the Author of this Piece, hath been somewhat singular in the Course of his Fortunes, for it hath happened, that after Fourteen Years attending the Court, with a large Stock of real Merit, a Modest, and Agreeable Conversation, a Hundred Promises, and five Hundred Friends, he hath failed of Preferment, and upon a very Weighty Reason. He lay under the Suspicion of having Written a Libel, or Lampoon against a great M------ It is true that great M------ was demonstratively convinced, and publickly owned his Conviction, that Mr. Gay was not the Author; but having lain under the Suspicion, it seemed very just, that he should suffer the Punishment; because in this most reformed Age, the Virtues of a great M------ are no more to be suspected, than the Chastity of Cæsar's Wife.
It must be allowed, That the Beggars-Opera is not the first of Mr. Gay's Works, wherein he hath been faulty, with regard to Courtiers and States-Men. For, to omit his other Pieces, even in his Fables, published within two Years past, and Dedicated to the D. of Cumberland, for which he was PROMISED a Reward; he hath been thought somewhat too bold upon Courtiers. And although it is highly probable, he meant only the Courtiers of former times, yet he acted unwarily, by not considering, that the Malignity of some people might misinterpret what he said to the disadvantage of present Persons, and Affairs.
But I have now done with Mr. Gay as a Politician, and shall consider him henceforward only as Author of the Beggars Opera, wherein he hath by a turn of Humor, entirely New, placed Vices of all Kinds in the strongest and most odious Light; and thereby done eminent Service, both to Religion and Morality. This appears from the unparallel'd Success he hath met with. All Ranks, Parties and Denominations of Men, either crowding to see his Opera, or reading it with delight in their Closets, even Ministers of State, whom he is thought to have most offended (next to those whom the Actors more immediately represent) appearing frequently at the Theatre, from a consciousness of their own Innocence, and to convince the World how unjust a Parallel, Malice, Envy, and Disaffection to the Government have made.
I am assured that several worthy Clergy-Men in this City, went privately to see the Beggars-Opera represented; and that the fleering Coxcombs in the Pit, amused themselves with making Discoveries, and spreading the Names of those Gentlemen round the Audience.
I shall not pretend to vindicate a Clergy-Man, who would appear openly in his Habit at a Theatre, among such a vicious Crew, as would probably stand round him, and at such lewd Comedies, and prophane Tragedies as are often represented. Besides I know very well, that Persons of their Function are bound to avoid the appearance of Evil, or of giving cause of Offence. But when the Lords Chancellors, who are Keepers of the King's Conscience, when the Judges of the Land, whose Title is Reverend, when Ladies, who are bound by the Rules of their Sex, to the strictest Decency, appear in the Theatre without Censure, I cannot understand, why a young Clergy-man who goes concealed out of Curiosity to see an innocent and moral Play, should be so highly condemned; nor do I much approve the Rigor of a great P----te who said, he hoped none of his Clergy were there. I am glad to hear there are no weightier Objections against that Reverend Body, planted in this City, and I wish there never may. But I should be very sorry that any of them should be so weak, as to imitate a COURT-CHAPLAIN in England, who preached against the Beggars-Opera, which will probably do more good than a thousand Sermons of so stupid, so injudicious, and so prostitute a Divine.
In this happy Performance of Mr. Gay, all the Characters are just, and none of them carried beyond Nature, or hardly beyond Practice. It discovers the whole System of that Common-Wealth, or that Imperium in Imperio of Iniquity, established among us, by which neither our Lives, nor our Properties are secure, either in the High-ways, or in publick Assemblies, or even in our own Houses. It shews the miserable Lives, and the constant Fate of those abandoned Wretches; for how little they sell their Lives and Souls; betrayed by their Whores; their Comrades; and the Receivers and Purchasers of these Thefts and Robberies. This Comedy contains likewise a Satyr, which, although it doth by no means affect the present Age, yet might have been useful in the former and may possibly be so in Ages to come. I mean where the Author takes occasion of comparing those common Robbers to Robbers of the Publick; and their several Stratagems of betraying, undermining, and hanging each other, to the several Arts of Politicians in times of Corruption.
This Comedy likewise exposeth with great Justice, that unnatural Taste for Italian Musick among us, which is wholly unsuitable to our Northern Climat, and the genius of the People, whereby we are over-run with Italian-Effeminacy, and Italian Nonsence. An old Gentleman said to me, that many Years ago, when the practice of an unnatural Vice grew so frequent in London, that many were Prosecuted for it, he was sure it would be a Fore-runner of Italian-Opera's, and Singers; and then we should want nothing but Stabbing or Poysoning, to make us perfect Italians.
Upon the Whole, I deliver my Judgment, That nothing but servile Attachment to a Party, affectation of Singularity, lamentable Dullness, mistaken Zeal, or studied Hypocrisy, can have the least reasonable Objection against this excellent Moral-performance of the CELEBRATED MR. GAY.
Quando alea hos animos?
AMONG all the Amusements, invented by the idle part of Mankind, to pass away their Time, there is not one, which is attended with so many Evil Consequences as that of Gaming, nor indeed any so much below the Dignity of Human-Nature, it being an Employment so Trifling in Appearance, that a Man with a Box and Dice, is hardly distinguishable from a Child with it's Rattle, nor when he Diverts himself with a few scraps of Painted Paste-board, does he make one whit a better figure.
But setting Appearances of this kind aside, which can make even the Wisest look Ridiculous, I shall chiefly Dwell upon the more solid Evils, that attend all intemperate practitioners in this way, and these I shall Sum up in the following Losses, viz. Loss of Time; Loss of Reputation; Loss of Health; Loss of Fortune; Loss of Temper; and what is often the Effect of it, the Loss of Life it self.
First, That it is a Loss of Time, is plain, because our Time may be employ'd to more advantage; for by Six Hours in the twenty four, I can make my self Wiser, and better, and Richer; whereas on the Contrary, by Cards or Dice, I do Infallibly grow more Stupid, and Worse; and a Hundred to One against me I grow Poorer.
Secondly, That it is a Loss of Reputation, and Esteem in the World, is easily proved, because no Man of Reputation or Esteem was ever called a Gamester; Eo. vice versa, No Gamester can be called a Man of Reputation and Esteem. For in giving the best Characters to Men or Women, we never use the Word Gaming as an Epithet. We say, for Instance, A great and Glorious King; A wise and a good Governor; A learned and a Pious Bishop; An unbiassed and just Chancellor; a Virtuous and a Modest Lady, and so through the best Degrees of Men and Women. But how odly would it sound, if we should take out the latter Epithet from each of these, and put in their stead the Word Gaming. And say, A Wise and a Gaming King; A Learned and a Gaming Bishop; An unbiassed and Gaming Chancellor; A Virtuous and a Gaming Lady, &c. From which it is plain, that Gaming must stand and agree with the worst Characters; For it Sounds very well to say, A Profligate Gaming Spendthrift; A Notorious Gaming Sharper; A Swearing Gaming Bully. And the same Epithet will agree as well with Pick-pockets, Rakes, Highway-men, and others of that distinguished Race of Mankind.
Thirdly, That it is a Loss of Health follows from the Sedentary Life, to which those who follow Gaming are confined; whence, as I am told by a knowing Physician, proceed Dropsies, Gouts, Gravel, and Stone in the Men; and in the Women, Tympanies of both kinds, Hystericks, Vapours, and a load of bad Humours, for want of those Exercises, which produce Perspiration, and Evacuations necessary to Invigorate, Strengthen, and preserve the Animal Oeconomy, free from those Numerous Distempers, which Laziness and Sloth produce.
Fourthly, That it is a Loss of Fortune is out of all Dispute, from the Numberless Instances, I cou'd give of Lords, Ladies, and Squires, some of whom have lost their whole Estates; others the most part; others again have laid themselves under such difficulties, that their Annual Income has fallen very short to supply them with the Common Necessaries of Life; so that they have been obliged to live upon the Credit of the ensuing Year.
And as for Ladies whose Pride would not permit them to be so obliged to their Creditors, they either pawn their Houshold Moveables, or Sell (what next to Gaming, goes nearest to their Heart), their very Parapharnalia; but this I must Remark, has happend chiefly among those who have been seduced as Cullies to the Fashionable Game of Quadrill. It will not be here Foreign to my purpose, to Write down some few Inventories of Goods, lately hawked about by trusty Chamber-maids.
Belonging to Lady FLAVIA near Stephen's-Green. 1 Diamond Necklace, 1 Pair of Diamond Ear-Rings, 3 Diamond- Rings, and a Gold Watch with Trinckets.
To Mrs. DORINDA of Dawson-Street. 2 Large Silver-Cups, 3 Salvers, 2 Pair of Candlesticks, 1 Silver Sauce-Pan.
To Madam CHLOE in Jervice-Street. 2 Birth-Day Suits, 1 Piece of French Damask, Broad Green Stripe, with White Flowers, Pawned for Nine Pounds, 4 Damask Table-Cloaths, and a Dozen of Napkins.
To Madam LIBERIA of College-Green. A fine wrought Coverlet of a Bed, A picture of her Husband's Father and Mother set in Gold, A Gold Snuff-box, 1 Dozen of Silver- spoons, A Child's Bells and Coral.
I have had an Account of many more, but this is full enough to answer my Design, for I intend only by this discovery that their Husbands should add a little more to their Pin-money, and thereby enable them to pay their Debts of Honour, in a less Scandalous way.
Indeed it would not be amiss, if Husbands should make use of their Authority, at least to regulate one Circumstance, that is, to bring their Wives to be content with two Hours Play, instead of twelve in the four and twenty; because some Inconveniences attend it. The Servants having all that Time to themselves, to Intreigue; to Juncket; to Filsh and Steal; to pawn the Inferior Moveables of the Pantry, and Kitchen; and lastly to Corrupt the Children; by teaching them Cursing, Swearing, Lying, and Lewdness, which in all probability may bring both Ruin and Disgrace to their Family.
It is very well known that among the great and
fashionable People of former ages, they very rarely had
recourse to Gaming. We read that Artaxerxes, Cato, and
Augustus, did sometimes Divert themselves this Way, but I
cannot recollect that ever the Ladies entered into it at
all, their Amusements being rather the Needle and the Loom;
for which their Perfections are Celebrated by the Oldest and
best Poet of the World. The Men of any Consequence, passed
their Evenings in Learned and agreeable Conversation, such
as tended to make them wiser and better, for which I appeal
to the Symposiacks of Plato, the Feast of Xenophon, and
those Accounts given by Macrobius. And to bring the matter
nearer our own Times, the People of the greatest
Consequence, in these British Isles, have chosen rather to
pass away their Evenings in Polite Discourses with one
another; and I should think that I failed in a due
Veneration for their Memories, if I should pass their Names
over in Silence. The Celebrated Lord Falkland, Earl
Carnarvan, Endymion Porter, Mr. Waller, Sir John Sucklin;
and among the conversible Ladies, The Countesses of Bedford,
Carlisle, Devonshire, and several others. This way of
Improvement is elegantly described by Horace.
For my own Part I could rather Wish, and I believe many
Husbands would agree with me, That the Ladies would rather
employ themselves, as Juvenal Describes those in his Time,
in Fighting Prizes upon a Publick Stage, whereby they would
at least discover their Activity, and their Courage, in a
much more becoming manner, than (according to the present
Practice) pulling of Coifs upon a wrangle at Quadrill.
The Ancients did so far abhor any Excess in Gaming, That
Aristotle in his 4th Book of Ethicks, at the latter end of
the 1st. Chap. places Tyrants, Gamester's and Robbers in one
Class, their Dispositions being exactly the same: For who
ever yet knew a right Gamester, that was not apt to insult
upon Success, or to pillage all before him upon every
Advantage. The Author I have now mentioned Stiles them very
justly aischrokerdeis (I wish the Ladies understood Greek)
We have no English Word expressive enough to explain it. The
nearest meaning I can think of is base-gainers. And what can
be baser, than to sit down deliberately with a Friend,
either at his House, or my own, with an Intention to pick
his Pocket, by a lucky Throw of a Dye, or a Cast of a Card.
This has been frequently the Practice. However I shall
content my self with a Relation of one Fact, because it is
somewhat singular in it's kind.
BRYANIA the Virago one Evening, invited the beautiful
Morisda to a game of Cards at her House, which the latter
declined, as having neither Skill, nor Inclination, nor
Money for Play; yet by much Importunity was prevailed on to
sup with her. Soon after BRYANIA calls for a Pack of Cards,
and told the poor innocent Lady, she would instruct her in a
Game, which a Child of four Years old might learn in four
Minutes; to this the complying good-natured Morisda
willingly consented, upon her Friend's telling her she might
lose very little by low playing at this Game. Accordingly
they fixt upon three-pence a Counter. They had not played
above three Hours, when the poor Cully was told she had lost
about a trifle of twenty Guineas. Being not able to command
twenty Shillings in the world, she took her leave in great
Confusion, and Grief, promising to discharge the Debt in a
litle Time. The unmerciful BRYANIA dunned her the Day
following, and so continued for a Week. This put the poor
indigent Lady upon trying all Friends. In the mean Time, the
following Letter was written to her, which I have
Transcribed with the strictest Justice to the Writer.
I donat undarstand youar tretmint in giuin me they troble
off
Sendin so offen forr that trifil wich youe losst too me
tuther
nit If youe doo nott sende itt bye they berer I a shuar
youe I
wil rite too youar husbund forr itt, Maddum I amm &c.
This terrible Letter put the poor Lady to her last Shifts
(nor is it a wonder it should, her Husband being the
greatest Bear living) which was to borrow the Money of a
certain Collonel, and this, uncharitable People did
misinterpret for a Valuable Consideration.
The fifth Loss, I mentioned, was that of Temper. If any
one doubts the Truth of this Position, I refer him to the
Groom Porters, and Lucas's-Coffee-House, where the only
Virtuosi of the Gaming Science are Daily and Nightly to be
seen. If Blaspheming, Cursing, Swearing, Duelling, Runing of
Heads against the Wall, Throwing Hats and Wigs in the Fire,
Distortions of the Countenance, Biting of Nails, Burning of
Cards, Breaking of Dice-Boxes, can be called a Loss of
Temper, they are found in the aforesaid places, in the
highest degree of Perfection. And to make out the last and
greatest Loss, which is, The Loss of Life.
I have, according to the best of my Memory, heard of no
less than seven or eight worthy Gentlemen of the Trade,
within a very few Years, upon some hasty Words and Blows,
given at some of these Gaming-Tables, retire from their
Company, and one of them bring in the News of the other's
Death in about Six Minutes.
Upon the whole, I cannot but remark, That Gaming proceeds
from three Qualities of the basest kind, Avarice, Laziness
and Ignorance; For it must undoubtedly be a thirst for Gain,
which is a motive to high playing; and as for the Lazy and
Ignorant (if they play low) I am more willing to indulge
them, because they have naturally better Talents for sitting
and trifling, than wholsome bodily Exercise, or spending the
Evenings in a way of Conversation, agreeable to Rational
Creatures.
I shall end this Paper with a very useful Remark. Plato
is my Author, that the Demon THEUTH was the Inventor of Dice
(The Ladies know well enough, that the Devil and Demon are
the same) and the Vulgar have it by Tradition, that Cards
are the Devil's own Invention, for which reason, time out of
mind, they are and have been called the Devil's Books,
therefore I cannot but say after this Information given, if
Gamesters will not desist, they are undoubtedly at the
Devil's Devotion.
Describ'd it's thus: Defin'd would you it have? Then the World's honest Man's an errant Knave.
THERE is no Talent so useful towards rising in the World, or which puts Men more out of the reach of Fortune, than that Quality generally possessed by the Dullest sort of People, and in common Speech, called Discretion, a species of lower Prudence, by the assistance of which, People of the meanest Intellectuals, without any other Qualification, pass through the World in great Tranquility, and with Universal good Treatment, neither giving nor taking Offence. Courts are seldom unprovided of Persons under this Character, on whom, if they happen to be of great Quality, most Employments, even the greatest naturally fall, when Competitors will not agree; and in such Promotions, no Body rejoyces or grieves. The Truth of this I could prove by several Instances, within my own Memory (for I say nothing of present Times.)
And indeed as Regularity and Forms are of great use in carrying on the Business of the World, so it is very convenient, that Persons endued with this kind of Discretion, should have that share which is proper to their Talents in the Conduct of Affairs, but by no means to meddle in matters which require Genius, Learning, strong Comprehension, quickness of Conception, Magnanimity, Generosity, Sagacity, or any other superior Gift of Human minds. Because this sort of Discretion, is usually attended with a strong desire of Money, and few Scruples about the way of obtaining it, with servile Flattery and Submission, with a Want of all publick Spirit or Principle, with a perpetual wrong Judgment when the Owners come into Power, and High Place, how to dispose of Favour and Preferment, having no measure for Merit, and Virtue in others, but those very Steps by which themselves ascended; Nor the least Intention of doing Good or Hurt to the Publick, further than Either one or t'other, is likely to be subservient to their own Security or Interest. Thus being void of all Friendship and Enmity, they never complain nor find Fault with the Times, and indeed never have reason to do so.
Men of eminent Parts and Abilities as well as Virtues do sometimes rise in Courts, sometimes in the Law, and sometimes even in the Church. Such were the Lord Bacon, the Earl of Strafford, Arch-bishop Laud in the Reign of King Charles I. and others in our own times whom I shall not Name: But these and many more under different Princes, and in different Kingdoms, were Disgraced or Banished, or suffered Death, meerely in Envy to their Virtues and Superior Genius, which emboldned them in great Exigencies and distresses of State (wanting a reasonable Infusion of this Aldermanly Discretion) to attempt the Service of their Prince and Country out of the common Forms.
This evil Fortune, which generally attends extraordinary Men in the Management of great Affairs, hath been imputed to divers Causes, that need not be here set down, when so obvious a One occurs. For, if what a certain Writer observes, be true, that, when a great Genius appears in the World, the Dunces are all in Confederacy against him: And thus although he imploys his Talents wholly in his Closet, without interfaring with any Man's Ambition or Avarice; what must he expect when he ventures out to seek for Preferment in a Court, but Universal Opposition, when he is mounting the Ladder, and every hand ready to turn him off, when he is at the Top? And in this point Fortune generally Acts directly contrary to Nature, For in Nature we find, that Bodies full of Life and Spirit mount easily, and are hard to fall, whereas heavy Bodies are hard to rise, and come down with greater Velocity, in Proportion to their weight. But we find Fortune every Day Acting just the reverse of this.
This Talent of Discretion, as I have described it in it's several Adjuncts and Circumstances, is no where so serviceable as to the Clergy, to whose Preferment, nothing is so fatal as the Character of Wit, Politeness in Reading, or Manners, or that kind of Behaviour which we contract, by having too much Conversed with Persons of high Stations and Eminency, these Qualifications being reckoned by the Vulgar of all Ranks to be marks of Levity, which is the last Crime the World will pardon in a Clergy-Man. To this I may add a free manner of speaking in mixt Company, and too frequent an Appearance in places of much resort, which are equally Noxious to Spiritual Promotions.
I have known indeed a few Exceptions to some parts of these Regulations. I have seen some of the Dullest Men alive aiming at Witt, and others with as little Pretensions, affecting Politeness in Manners and Discourse, but never being able to persuade the World of their Guilt, they grew into considerable Stations, upon the firm Assurance which all People had of their Discretion, because they were a Size too low to deceive the World to their own Disadvantage. But this I confess is a Tryal too dangerous often to engage in.
There is a known Story of a Clergy-Man, who was recommended for a Preferment by some great Man at Court, to A.B.C.T. His Grace said, he had heard that the Clergy-Man used to play at Whisk and Swobbers, that as to playing now and then a Sober Game at Whisk for pastime, it might be pardoned, but he could not digest those wicked Swobbers, and it was with some pains that my Lord S----rs could undeceive him. I ask, by what Talents we may suppose that great Pr---- ascended so high, or what sort of Qualifications he would expect in those whom he took into his Patronage, or would probably recommend to Court for the government of Distant Churches.
Two Clergy-Men in my Memory stood Candidates for a small Free-School in ----Shire, where a Gentleman of Quality and Interest in the Country, who happened to have a better understanding than his Neighbours, procured the place for him who was the better Schollar, and more Gentlemanly Person of the two, very much to the Regret of all the Parish; The other being disappointed, came up to London, where he became the greatest Pattern of this lower Discretion, that I have known and possessed with as heavy Intellectuals, which together with the coldness of his Temper, and gravity of his Deportment, carried him safe through many Difficulties, and he lived and dyed in a great Station, while his Competitor is too obscure for Fame to tell us what became of him.
This Species of Discretion which I so much celebrate, and do most heartly recommend, hath one Advantage not yet mentioned, that it will carry a Man safe through all the Malice and Variety of Parties, so far, that whatever Faction happen to be uppermost, his Claim is usually allowed for a share of what is going. And the thing seems to be highly reasonable. For in all great Changes, the prevailing side is usually so Tempestuous, that it wants the balast of those whom the World calls moderate Men and I call Men of Discretion, whom People in Power may with little Ceremony load as heavy as they please, drive them through the hardest and deepest Roads without danger of Foundring, or breaking their Backs, and will be sure to find them neither Resty nor Vicious.
In some following Paper, I will give the Reader a short History of two Clergy-Men in England, the Characters of each, and the Progress of their Fortunes in the World. By which the force of worldly Discretion and the bad Consequences from the want of that Virtue will strongly appear.
O patria! o divum domus!
WHEN I Travel through any part of this unhappy Kingdom (and I have now by several Excursions, made from Dublin, gone thro' most Counties of it) it raises two Passions in my Breast of a different kind; An Indignation against those vile betrayers and Insulters of it, who Insinuate themselves into Favour, by saying, It is a Rich Nation; and a sincere Compassion for the Natives, who are sunk to the lowest Degree of Misery and Poverty, whose Houses are Dunghills, whose Victuals are the Blood of their Cattle, or the Herbs in the Field; and whose Cloathing to the Dishonour of God and Man is Nakedness. Yet Notwithstanding all these Dismal Appearances, it is the Common Phrase of an upstart Race of People, who have suddenly sprung up like the Dragons Teeth among us: That Ireland was never known to be so Rich as it is now; by which as I apprehend, they can only mean Themselves, for they have Skipt over the Channel from the Vantage Ground of a Dunghill upon no other Merit, either Visible or Divinable, than that of not having been born among us.
This is the Modern way of Planting Colonies--Et ubi Solitudinem faciunt, id imperium vocant. When those who are so unfortunate to be born here, are excluded from the meanest Preferments, and deem'd incapable of being entertain'd, even as common Soldiers, whose poor stipend is but Four pence a Day. No Trade, no Emoluments, no Encouragement for Learning among the Natives, who yet by a perverse consequence are divided into Factions, with as much Violence, and Rancour, as if they had the Wealth of the Indies to contend for. It puts me in mind of a Fable which I Read in a Monkish Author. He quotes for it one of the Greek Mythologists, That once upon a Time a Colony of large Dogs (called the Molossi) Transplanted themselves from Epirus to Ætolia where they seized those parts of the Countries, most fertile in Flesh of all kinds, obliging the Native Dogs to retire from their best Kennels, to live under Ditches and Bushes. But to preserve good Neighbourhood, and Peace, and finding likewise, that the Ætolian Dogs might be of some use in the low Offices of Life, they passed a Decree, That the Natives should be entituled to the Short- Ribs, Tips of Tails, Knuckle-Bones, and Guts of all the Game, which they were obliged by their Masters to Run Down: This Condition was accepted, and what was a little Singular, while the Molossian Dogs kept a good understanding among themselves, living in Peace and Luxury, these Ætolian Curs were perpetually snarling, growling, barking, and tearing out each others Throats. Nay, sometimes those of the best Quality among them, were seen to Quarrel with as much Rancour for a Rotten Gut, as if it had been a fat haunch of Venison. But what need we wonder at this in Dogs, when the same is every Day practised among Men.
Last Year I Travelled from Dublin to Dundalk, thro' a Country esteemed the most Fruitful part of this Kingdom, and so Nature intended it. But no Ornaments or Improvements of such a Scene were visible. No Habitations fit for Gentlemen. No Farmers Houses. Few Fields of Corn, and almost a bare Face of nature, without new Plantations of any kind, only a few miserable Cottages, at least three or four Miles distance, and one Church in the Centre between this City and Droghedah. When I arriv'd at this last Town, the first mortifying Sight, was the Ruins of several Churches, batter'd down by that Usurper Cromwell, whose Fanatick Zeal made more Desolation in a few Days, than the Piety of succeeding Prelates, or the Wealth of the Town have, in more than sixty Years attempted to repair.
Perhaps the Inhabitants, through a high strain of Virtue, have in Imitation of the Athenians made a Solemn Resolution, never to rebuild those sacred Edifices, but rather leave them in ruins, as Monuments, to perpetuate the detestable memory of that hellish Instrument of Rebellion, Desolation and Murther. For, the Athenians when Mardonius had ravaged a great part of Greece took a formal Oath at the Isthmus to lose their Lives rather than their Liberty. To stand by their Leaders to the last. To spare the Cities of such Barbarians as they conquered. And, what crowned all, the Conclusion of their Oath was, We will never repair any of the Temples, which they have burned and destroyed, that they may appear to Posterity as so many Monuments of these wicked Barbarians. This was a glorious Resolution. And I am sorry to think, that the Poverty of my Country-men will not let the world suppose, they have acted upon such a generous Principle, yet upon this Occasion I cannot but observe that there is a fatality in some Nations, to be fond of those, who have treated them with the least humanity. Thus I have often heard the memory of Cromwell, who has depopulated and almost wholly destroyed this miserable Country, celebrated like that of a Saint; and at the same time the Sufferings of the Royal Martyr turned into Ridicule, and his Murder justifyed even from the Pulpit, and all this done with an intent to gain favour under a Monarchy, which is a new strain of Politicks that I shall not pretend to account for.
Examin all the Eastern Towns of Ireland, and you will trace this horrid Instrument of Destruction, in the defacing of Churches, and particularly in destroying whatever was Ornamental, either within or without them. We see in the several Towns a very few Houses scattered among the Ruins of thousands, which he laid level with their Streets. Great Numbers of Castles! the Country Seats of Gentlemen then in Being, still standing in ruin, habitations for Bats, Daws, and Owls, without the least Repairs or Succession of other buildings. Nor have the Country Churches, as far as my Eye could reach, met with any better Treatment from him, nine in ten of them lying among their Graves, and God only knows when they are to have a Resurrection. When I passed from Dundalk where this cursed Usurper's handy-work is yet visible, I cast mine Eyes around from the Top of a Mountain, from whence I had a wide and a waste Prospect of several venerable Ruins; It struck me with a Melancholy, not unlike that expressed by Cicero in one of his Letters which being much upon the like Prospect, and concluding with a very necessary Reflection on the uncertainty of things in this World, I shall here insert a translation of what he says. In my Return from Asia, as I Sailed from Agina, towards Megara, I began to take a prospect of the several Countries round about me. Behind me was Agina: Before me Megara: On the right Hand the Piræus: and on the left was Corinth: Which Towns were formerly in a most flourishing Condition; now they lye prostrate and in Ruin.
Thus I began to think with my self. Shall we who have but a trifling Existence express any resentment, when one of us either dies a natural Death, or is Slain, whose Lives are necessarily of a short Duration, when at one view I behold the Carcases of so many great Cities. What if he had seen the Natives of those free Republicks, reduced to all the miserable consequences of a conquered People, living without the common defences against Hunger and Cold, rather appearing like Specters than Men? I am apt to think that seeing his Fellow-Creatures in Ruin like this, it would have put him past all patience for Philosophick Reflections.
As for my own Part, I confess, that the Sights and Occurrences which I had in this my last Journey, have so far transported me to a mixture of Rage and Compassion, that I am not able to decide, which has the greater Influence upon my Spirits; For this new Cant of a rich and flourishing Nation, was still upper-most in my Thoughts; Every Mile I travelled, giving me such ample Demonstrations to the Contrary. For this reason, I have been at the pains to render a most exact and faithful Account of all the visible Signs of Riches, which I met with in sixty Miles riding through the most publick Roads, and the best part of the Kingdom. First, As to Trade, I met nine Carrs loaden with old musty shrivel'd Hydes, one Car-load of Butter. Four Jockeys driving eight Horses, all out of Case. One Cow and Calf, driven by a Man and his Wife. Six tattered Families flitting to be shipped off to the West-Indies. A Colony of a hundred and fifty Beggars, all repairing to people our Metropolis, and by encreasing the number of Hands, to encrease it's Wealth, upon the old Maxim, that People are the Riches of a Nation. And therefore ten thousand Mouths with hardly ten pair of Hands, or any Work to employ them, will infallibly make us a rich, and flourishing People. 2dly, Travellers enough, but seven in ten wanting Shirts and Cravats; nine in ten going barefoot, and carrying their Brogues and Stockens in their Hands. One Woman in twenty having a Pillion, the rest riding bare-backed. Above two hundred Horsemen, with four pair of Boots amongst them all. Seventeen Saddles of Leather (the rest being made of Straw) and most of their Garrons only shod before. I went into one of the principal Farmer's Houses, out of Curiosity, and his whole Furniture consisted of two Blocks for Stools, a Bench on each side the Fire-place made of Turf, six Trenchers, one Bowl, a Pot, six Horn-Spoons, three Noggins, three Blankets, one of which served the Man and Maid Servant; the others the Master of the Family, his Wife and five Children. A small Churn, a wooden Candlestick, a broken Stick for a pair of Tongs. In the publick Towns, one third of the Inhabitants walking the Street barefoot. Windows half built up with Stone, to save the expence of Glass, the broken Panes up and down supplied by brown Paper, few being able to afford white; in some places they were stopped with Straw or Hay. Another mark of our Riches, are the Signs at the several Inns upon the Road, viz. In some a Staff stuck in the Thatch, with a Turf at the End of it; a Staff in a Dunghill with a white Rag wrapped about the Head; A Pole, where they can afford it, with a Beesom at the Top. An Oatmeal Cake on a Board in a Window; And, at the principal Inns of the Road, I have observed the Signs taken down and laid against the Wall near the Door, being taken from their Post to prevent the shaking of the House down by the Wind. In short, I saw not one single House, in the best Town I travelled through, which had not manifest Appearances of Beggary and Want. I could give many more Instances of our Wealth, but I hope these will suffice for the End I propose.
It may be objected, What use it is of to display the Poverty of the Nation in the manner I have done. In answer, I desire to know for what Ends, and by what Persons, This new Opinion of our flourishing State has of late been so Industriously advanced. One thing is certain, that the Advancers have either already found their own Account, or have been heartily promised, or at least have been entertained with hopes, by seeing such an Opinion pleasing to those who have it in their power to reward.
It is no doubt a very generous principle in any Person, to rejoice in the felicities of a Nation, where themselves are Strangers, or Sojourners. But if it be found that the same Persons on all other Occasions express a hatred and contempt of the Nation and People in General, and hold it for a Maxim--That the more such a Country is humbled, the more their own will rise, it need be no longer a Secret, why such an Opinion and the Advancers of it are encouraged. And besides, if the Bayliff reports to his Master, that the Ox is Fat and Strong, when in reality it can hardly carry it's own Legs, is it not natural to think, that command will be given, for a greater load to be put upon it.
------Probitas laudatur & alget.
CORUSODES an Oxford Student, and a Farmers Son, was never absent from Prayers, or Lecture, nor once out of his College after Tom had tolld. He spent every Day ten hours in his Closet, in Reading his Courses, Dozing, clipping Papers, or darning his Stockings, which last he performed to Admiration. He could be soberly Drunk at the expence of others, with College Ale, and at those Seasons was always most Devout. He wore the same Gown five Years, without dagling or tearing. He never once looked into a Play-book or a Poem. He Read Virgil and Ramus in the same Cadence, but with a very different Taste. He never understood a Jest, or had the least Conception of Wit.
For one saying he stands in Renown to this Day. Being with some other Students over a Pot of Ale; one of the Company said so many pleasant things, that the rest were much diverted, only Corusodes was silent and unmoved. When they parted, he called this merry Companion aside, and said; Sir, I perceived by your often speaking, and our Friends laughing, that you spoke many jests, and you could not but observe my Silence. But Sir this is my humour, I never make a jest myself, nor ever laugh at another Man's.
Corusodes thus endowed, and got into Holy Orders, having by the most extreme Parsimoney, saved thirty four Pounds out of a very Beggarly Fellowship, went up to London, where his Sister was Waiting-woman to a Lady, and so good a Sollicitor, that by her means he was admitted to Read Prayers in the Family twice a Day, at fourteen shillings a Month. He had now acquired a low Obsequious awkward Bow, and a talent of gross flattery both in and out of season; he would shake the Butler by the Hand; He taught the Page his Catechism, and was sometimes admitted to Dine at the Stewards Table. In short he got the good Word of the whole Family, and was Recommended by my Lady for Chaplain to some other Noble House, by which his Revenue (beside Vales) amounted to about 30 l. a Year. His Sister procured him a Scarf from my Lord (who had a small design of Gallantry upon her) And by his Lordships Sollicitation he got a Lectureship in Town of 60 l. a Year; where he Preached constantly in Person, in a grave manner, with an Audible Voice, a Style Ecclesiastick, and the matter (such as it was) well suited to the intellectuals of his Hearers. Some time after, a Country Living fell in my Lord's Disposal, and his Lordship who had now some encouragement given him of Success in his Amour, bestowed the Living on Corusodes, who still kept his Lectureship and Residence in Town, where he was a constant Attendant at all Meetings relating to Charity, without ever contributing further than his frequent Pious Exhortations. If any Women of better fashion in the Parish happened to be absent from Church, they were sure of a Visit from him in a Day or two, to Chide and to Dine with them.
He had a select number of Poor constantly attending at the Street Door of his Lodgings, for whom he was a common Sollicitor to his former Patroness, dropping in his own Half Crown among the Collections and taking it out when he disposed the money. At a Person of Qualities House, he would never sit down till he was thrice bid, and then upon the corner of the most distant chair. His whole demeanor was formal and starched, which adhered so close, that he could never shake it off in his highest Promotion.
His Lord was now in high Employment at Court, and attended by him with the most abject Assiduity, and his Sister being gone off with Child to a private Lodging, my Lord continued his Graces to Corusodes, got him to be a Chaplain in ordinary, and in due time a Parish in Town, and a Dignity in the Church.
He paid his Curates punctually, at the lowest Sallery, and partly out of the communion money, but gave them good advice in abundance. He Marryed a Citizens Widow, who taught him to put out small sums at ten per cent, and brought him acquainted with Jobbers in Change-Alley. By her dexterity he sold the Clarkship of his Parish, when it became vacant.
He kept a miserable house, but the Blame was layed wholly upon Madam; For the good Doctor was always at his Books, or visiting the Sick, or doing other Offices of Charity and piety in his Parish.
He treated all his inferiors of the Clergy with a most sanctifyed pride; was rigorously and universally, censorious upon all his brethren of the Gown, on their first appearance in the world, or while they continued meanly preferred; But gave large allowance to the Layity of high rank, or great riches, using neither Eyes nor Ears for their faults. He was never sensible of the least corruption in Courts, Parliaments, or Ministries, but made the most favourable constructions of all publick proceedings; and Power, in whatever Hands, or whatever Party, was always secure of his most charitable opinion. He had many wholsome maxims ready to excuse all miscarriages of State. Men are but Men. Erunt vitia donec homines; and Quod Supra nos nihil ad nos. with several others of equal weight.
It would lengthen my paper beyond measure to trace out the whole System of his conduct: His dreadfull apprehensions of Popery; his great moderation towards Dissenters of all Denominations; with hearty wishes that by yielding somewhat on both sides, there might be a general Union among Protestants; his short inoffensive Sermons in his turns at Court, and the matter exactly suited to the present juncture of prevailing Opinions. The arts he used to obtain a Mitre, by writing against Episcopacy, and the proofs he gave of his loyalty by palliating or defending the murder of a martyred Prince.
Endowed with all these accomplishments we leave him in the full Carrier of Success, mounting fast towards the top of the Ladder Ecclesiastical, which he hath a fair probability to reach, without the merit of one single Virtue, moderately stocked with the least valuable parts of Erudition, utterly devoyd of all Taste, Judgment or Genius; and in his grandeur naturally chusing to hawl up others after him, whose accomplishments most resemble his own, except his beloved Sons, Nephews, or other kindred be not in competition, or lastly except his inclinations be diverted by those who have power to mortify or further advance him.
Eugenio Set out from the same University, and about the same time with Corusodes; He had the reputation of an arch Lad at School, and was unfortunately possessed with a Talent for Poetry, on which account he received many chiding Letters from his Father, and grave advice from his Tutor. He did not neglect his College Learning, but his chief Study was the Authors of Antiquity, with a perfect knowledge in the Greek and Roman Tongues; He could never Procure himself to be chosen Fellow; for it was objected against him that he had written Verses, and particularly some wherein he glanced at a certain Reverend Doctor, famous for Dullness: That he had been seen bowing to Ladies, as he met them in the Streets; And it was proved that once he had been found dancing in a private family with half a dozen of both Sexes.
He was the younger Son to a Gentleman of a good birth, but small fortune, and his Father Dying he was driven to London, to seek his fortune: he got into Orders, and became Reader in a Parish Church at twenty Pounds a Year; was carryed by an Oxford friend to Wills Coffee-house, frequented in those Days by the Men of Wit; where in some time he had the bad luck to be distinguished. His Scanty Sallery compelled him to run deep in debt for a new Gown and Cassock, and now and then forced him to Write some Paper of Wit or humour, or Preach a Sermon for Ten shillings, to supply his Necessities. He was a thousand times recommended by his Poetical Friends to great Persons, as a young man of excellent parts, who deserved encouragement and received a thousand Promises; But his modesty, and a generous spirit which disdained the Slavery of continual application, and attendance, always disappointed him, making room for Vigilant Dunces, who were sure to be never out of sight.
He had an excellent faculty in preaching, if he were not sometimes a little too refined, and apt to trust too much to his own way of thinking, and reasoning.
When upon the vacancy of Preferment he was hardly drawn to attend upon some promising Lord he received the usual Answer, that he came too late, for it had been given to another the very day before. And he had onely this comfort left, that every body said, it was a thousand pities some thing could not be done for Poor Mr. Eugenio.
The Remainder of his Story will be dispatched in a few Words. Wearied with weak hopes, and weaker pursuits he accepted a Curacy in Darby-Shire, of thirty Pounds a Year, and when he was five and forty, had the great felicity to be preferred by a friend of his Father to a Vicaridge worth annually 60 pound, in the most desert parts of Lincolnshire, where his spirit quite sunk with those reflections, that solitude and disappointments bring, he married a Farmers widow, and is still alive, utterly undistinguished and forgotten, onely some of the Neighbours have accidentally heard that he had been a notable man in his Youth.
Par coeatque pari.
HAVING lately had an Account, that a certain Person of some Distinction swore in a publick Coffee-house, that Party should never Dye while he lived (although it has been the Endeavour of the best and wisest among us, to Abolish the Ridiculous Appellations of Whig and Tory, and entirely to turn our thoughts to the good of our Prince and Constitution in Church and State) I hope those, who are well-wishers to our Country, will think my Labour not ill bestowed in giving this Gentleman's Principles the proper Embellishments which they deserve, and since mad Mullinix is the only Tory now remaining, who dares own himself to be so, I desire I may not be Censured by those who are of his Party, for making him hold a Dialogue with one of less Consequence on 'tother side. I shall not venture so far, as to give the Christian Nick-name of the Person chiefly concerned, lest I should give offence, for which reason, I shall call him Timothy, and leave the rest to the Conjecture of the World.
MAD MULLINIX and TIMOTHY.