\LFanny 1.1  :
\C Based on John Cleland's \iMemoirs of a Woman of Pleasure\r (Oxford Classical
\C Texts), prepared by Prof. Michael J. Preston, Department of English,
\C University of Colorado, Boulder CO 80309, U.S.A.
\C See Samuel S. Coleman and Michael J. Preston, \iA KWIC Concordance to John
\C \iCleland's "Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure"\r (New York, Garland Publishing,
\C 1987)
\N1 MADAM,
I SIT down to give you an undeniable proof of my considering
your desires as indispensible orders: ungracious then as the task
may be, I shall recall to view those scandalous stages of my life,
out of which I emerg'd at length, to the enjoyment of every
blessing in the power of love, health, and fortune to bestow;
whilst yet in the flower of youth, and not too late to employ the
leisure afforded me by great ease and affluence, to cultivate an
understanding naturally not a despicable one, and which had,
even amidst the whirl of loose pleasures I had been tost in,
exerted more observation on the characters and manners of the
world, than what is common to those of my unhappy profession,
who looking on all thought or reflexion as their capital
enemy, keep it at as great a distance as they can, or destroy it
without mercy.
\SFanny 1.1  :
\N16 Hating, as I mortally do, all long unnecessary prefaces, I shall
give you good quarter in this, and use no farther apology, than
to prepare you for seeing the loose part of my life, wrote with
the same liberty that I led it.
\SFanny 1.1  :
\N20 Truth! stark naked truth, is the word, and I will not so much
as take the pains to bestow the strip of a gauze-wrapper on it,
but paint situations such as they actually rose to me in nature,
careless of violating those laws of decency, that were never
made for such unreserved intimacies as ours; and you have too
much sense, too much knowledge of the {originals} themselves, to
snuff prudishly, and out of character, at the {pictures} of them.
The greatest men, those of the first and most leading taste, will
not scruple adorning their private closets with nudities, though,
in compliance with vulgar prejudices they may not think them
decent decorations of the stair-case or saloon.
\SFanny 1.1  :
\N31 This, and enough, premised, I go souse into my personal
history. My maiden name was {Francis Hill}. I was born at a small
\PFanny 1.2  :
\N1 village near {Liverpool} in {Lancashire}, of parents extremely poor,
and I piously believe, extremely honest.
\SFanny 1.2  :
\N3 My father, who had received a maim on his limbs that
disabled him from following the more laborious branches of
country-drudgery, got, by making of nets, a scanty subsistance,
which was not much enlarg'd by my mother's keeping
a little day-school for girls in her neighbourhood. They
had had several children, but none lived to any age, except
myself, who had received from nature a constitution perfectly
healthy.
\SFanny 1.2  :
\N11 My education, till past fourteen, was no better than very
vulgar; reading, or rather spelling, an illegible scrawl, and a little
ordinary plain-work, composed the whole system of it: and
then all my foundation in virtue was no other than a total
ignorance of vice, and the shy timidity general to our sex, in the
tender stage of life, when objects alarm, or frighten more by
their novelty, than anything else: but then this is a fear too often
cured at the expence of innocence, when Miss, by degrees,
begins no longer to look on a man as a creature of prey that will
eat her.
\SFanny 1.2  :
\N21 My poor mother had divided her time so entirely between her
scholars, and her little domestic cares, and she had spared very
little of it to my instruction, having, from her own innocence
from all ill, no hint, or thought of guarding me against any.
\SFanny 1.2  :
\N25 I was now entering on my fifteenth year, when the worst of
ills befell me in the loss of my tender fond parents, who were
both carried off by the small-pox, within a few days of each
other; my father dying first, and thereby hastening the death of
my mother, so that I was now left an unhappy friendless
Orphan: (for my father's coming to settle there, was accidental,
he being originally a {Kentish-man}.) That cruel distemper which
had proved so fatal to them, had indeed seized me, but with
such mild and favourable symptoms, that I was presently out of
danger, and, what I then did not know the value of, was entirely
unmark'd. I skip over here, an account of the natural grief and
affliction, which I felt on this melancholy occasion. A little
time, and the giddiness of that age, dissipated too soon my
reflections on that irreparable loss; but nothing contributed
more to reconcile me to it, than the notions that were immediately
put into my head, of going to {London}, and looking out for
a service, in which I was promised all assistance and advice,
from one {Esther Davis}, a young woman that had been down to
\PFanny 1.3  :
\N1 see her friends, and who, after the stay of a few days, was to
return to her place.
\SFanny 1.3  :
\N3 As I had now nobody left alive in the village, who had
concern enough about what should become of me, to start any
objections to this scheme, and the woman who took care of me
after my parents death rather encouraged me to pursue it, I soon
came to a resolution of making this launch into the wide
world, by repairing to {London}, in order to {seek my fortune}, a
phrase, which, by the bye, has ruined more adventurers of both
sexes, from the country, than ever it made, or advanced.
\SFanny 1.3  :
\N11 Nor did {Esther Davis} a little comfort and inspirit me to
venture with her, by piquing my childish curiosity with the fine
sights that were to be seen in {London}; the Tombs, the Lions,
the King, the Royal Family, the fine Plays and {Operies}, and in
short all the diversions which fell within her sphere of life to
come at; the detail of all which perfectly turn'd the little head
of me.
\SFanny 1.3  :
\N18 Nor can I remember, without laughing, the innocent admiration,
not without a spice of envy, with which we poor girls,
whose church-going cloaths did not rise above dowlass shifts,
and stuff gowns, beheld {Esther's} scower'd sattin-gown, caps
border'd with an inch of lace; taudry ribbons, and shoes belaced
with silver! all which we imagined grew in {London}, and entered
for a great deal into my determination of trying to come in for
my share of them.
\SFanny 1.3  :
\N26 The idea however of having the company of a townswoman
with her, was the trivial, and all the motive that engaged {Esther}
to take charge of me during my journey to town, where she told
me, after her manner and style: "[{as how several maids out of the}
{country had made themselves and all their kin for ever, that by}
{preserving their} VARTUE, {some had taken so with their masters},
{that they had married them, and kept them coaches, and lived}
{vastly grand, and happy, and some, may}-hap {come to be}
{Dutchesses}: {Luck was all, and why not I as well as another},"]
with other almanacs to this purpose, which set me a tiptoe to
begin this promising journey, and to leave a place, which
though my native one, contained no relations that I had reason
to regret, and was grown insupportable to me, from the change
of the tenderest usage into a cold air of charity, with which I was
entertain'd, even at the only friend's house, that I had the least
expectations of care and protection from: She was however so
just to me, as to manage the turning into money the little
\PFanny 1.4  :
\N1 matters that remained to me after the debts, and burial-charges
were accounted for, and at my departure put my whole fortune
into my hands, which consisted of a very slender wardrobe,
pack'd up in a very portable box, and eight guineas, with
seventeen shillings in silver, stowed in a spring-pouch, which
was a greater treasure than ever I had yet seen together, and
which I could not conceive there was a possibility of running
out: and indeed I was so entirely taken up with the joy of seeing
myself mistress of such an immense sum, that I gave very little
attention to a world of good advice which was given me with it.
\SFanny 1.4  :
\N11 Places then being taken for {Esther} and me, in the {Chester}-Waggon,
I pass over a very immaterial scene of leave-taking, at
which I dropt a few tears betwixt grief and joy; and for the same
reasons of insignificance, skip over all that happened to me on
the road, such as the Waggoner's looking liquorish on me, the
schemes laid for me by some of the passengers, which were
defeated by the vigilance of my guardian {Esther}, who, to do her
justice, took a motherly care of me, at the same time that she
taxed me for her protection, by making me bear all travelling
charges, which I defray'd with the utmost chearfulness, and
thought myself much obliged to her into the bargain. She took
indeed great care that we were not over-rated, or imposed on,
as well as of managing as frugally as possible: expensiveness was
not her vice.
\SFanny 1.4  :
\N25 It was pretty late in a summer evening when we reached the
town, in our slow conveyance, though drawn by six at length.
As we passed thro' the greatest streets that led to our inn, the
noise of the coaches, the hurry, the crowds of foot passengers,
in short, the new scenery of the shops and houses at once
pleased and amazed me.
\SFanny 1.4  :
\N31 But guess at my mortification and surprize when we came to
the inn, and our things were landed, and deliver'd to us, when
my fellow traveller and protectress, {Esther Davis}, who had used
me with the utmost tenderness during the journey, and
prepared me by no preceding signs for the stunning blow I was
to receive; when, I say, my only dependance, and friend, in this
strange place, all of a sudden assumed a strange and cool air
towards me, as if she dreaded my becoming a burden to her.
\SFanny 1.4  :
\N39 Instead then of proffering me the continuance of her
assistance and good offices, which I relied upon, and never
more wanted, she thought herself, it seems, abundantly
acquitted of her engagements to me, by having brought me safe
\PFanny 1.5  :
\N1 to my journey's end, and seeing nothing in her procedure
towards me, but what was natural and in order, begun to
embrace me, by way of taking leave, whilst I was so confounded,
so struck, that I had not spirit or sense enough so
much as to mention my hopes or expectations from her
experience, and knowledge of the place she had brought me to.
\SFanny 1.5  :
\N7 Whilst I stood thus stupid and mute, which she doubtless
attributed to nothing more than a concern at parting, this idea
procured me perhaps, a slight alleviation of it, in the following
harrangue: "[That now we were got safe to {London}, and that she
was obliged to go to her place, she advised me by all means to
get into one as soon as possible(--)That I need not fear getting
one(--)there were more places than parish-churches(--)that she
advised me to go to an intelligence-office(--)that if she heard of
any thing stirring, she would find me out, and let me know,
(--)that in the mean time I should take a private lodging, and
acquaint her where to send to me,(--)that she wish'd me good
luck,(--)and hop'd I should always have the grace to keep myself
honest, and not bring a disgrace on my parentage:"] with this she
took her leave of me, and left me, as it were, on my own hands,
full as lightly as I had been put into hers.
\SFanny 1.5  :
\N22 Left thus alone, absolutely distitute and friendless, I began
then to feel most bitterly the severity of this separation, the
scene of which had past in a little room in the inn: and no sooner
was her back turned, but the affliction I felt at my helpless
strange circumstances, burst out into a flood of tears, which
infinitely relieved the oppression of my heart; though I still
remained stupified, and most perfectly perplex'd how to dispose
of myself.
\SFanny 1.5  :
\N30 One of the drawers coming in, added yet more to my
uncertainty, by asking me, in a short way, if I called for any
thing? to which I replied, innocently, {No}; but I wished him to
tell me where I might get a lodging for that night: he said, he
would go and speak to his mistress, who accordingly came, and
told me drily, without entering in the least into the distress she
saw me in, that I might have a bed for a shilling: and that, as she
supposed I had some friends in town (here I fetched a deep sigh
in vain! ) I might provide myself in the morning.
\SFanny 1.5  :
\N39 'Tis incredible what trifling consolations the human mind
will seize in its greatest afflictions. The assurance of nothing
more than a bed to lie on that night, calmed my agonies; and
being asham'd to acquaint the mistress of the inn that I had no
\PFanny 1.6  :
\N1 friends to apply to in town, I proposed to myself to proceed, the
very next morning, to an intelligence-office, to which I was
furnish'd with written directions, on the back of a ballad of
{Esther's} giving me. There I counted on getting information of
any place that such a country-girl as I might be fit for, and
where I could get into any sort of being, before my little stock
should be consumed: and as to a character, {Esther} had often
repeated to me, that I might depend on her managing me one;
nor, however affected I was at her leaving me this, did I entirely
cease to rely on her, as I began to think, good-naturedly, that
her procedure was all in course, and that it was only my
ignorance of life that had made me take it in the light I at first
did.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N14 Accordingly, the next morning, I dress'd me as clean and as
neat as my rustic wardrobe would permit me; and having left
my box, with special recommendation, to the landlady, I
ventured out by myself, and without any more difficulty than
may be supposed of a young country-girl, barely fifteen, and to
whom every sign or shop was a gazing-trap, I got to the wish'd-for
intelligence-office.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N21 It was kept by an elderly woman, who sat at the receipt of
custom, with a book before her, in great form and order, and
several scrolls, ready made out, of directions for places.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N24 I made up then to this important personage, without lifting
up my eyes, or observing any of the people round me, who were
attending there on the same errand as myself, and dropping her
curtsies nine-deep, made just a shift to stammer out my business
to her.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N29 Madam having heard me out, with all the gravity and brow of
a petty-minister of state, and seeing, at one glance over my
figure, what I was, made me no answer, but to ask me the
preliminary shilling, on receipt of which she told me, places for
women were exceeding scarce, especially as I seemed too slight-built
for hard-work; but that she would look over her book,
and see what was to be done for me, desiring me to stay a little
till she had dispatched some other customers.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N37 On this, I drew back a little, most heartily mortified at a
declaration which carried with it a killing uncertainty, that my
circumstances could not well endure.
\SFanny 1.6  :
\N40 Presently, assuming more courage, and seeking some diversion
from my uneasy thoughts, I ventured to lift up my head a
little, and sent my eyes on a course round the room, where they
\PFanny 1.7  :
\N1 met full-tilt with those of a lady (for such my extreme innocence
pronounc'd her) sitting in a corner of the room, dress'd in
a velvet manteel ({nota bene}, in the midst of summer) with her
bonnet off; squob-fat, red faced, and at least fifty.
\SFanny 1.7  :
\N5 She look'd as if she would devour me with her eyes, staring at
me from head to foot, without the least regard to the confusion
and blushes her eying me so fixedly put me to, and which were
to her, no doubt, the strongest recommendation, and marks of
my being fit for her purpose. After a little time, in which my air,
person, and whole figure, had undergone her strict examination,
which I had, on my part, tried to render favourable to me,
by primming, drawing up my neck, and {setting} my best looks,
she advanc'd, and spoke to me with the greatest demureness:
\SFanny 1.7  :
\N14 {Qn#.} Sweet heart, do you want a place?
\SFanny 1.7  :
\N15 {Ans#.} Yes! and please you, (with a curtsy down to the ground.)
\SFanny 1.7  :
\N16 Upon this, she acquainted me, that she was actually come to
the office herself, to look out for a servant(--)that she believed I
might do, with a little of her instructions,(--)that she could take
my very looks for a sufficient character,(--)that {London} was a
very wicked, vile place,(--)that she hop'd I would be tractable,
and keep out of bad company,(--)in short, she said all to me that
an old experienced practitioner in town could think of, and
which was much more than was necessary to take in an artless
unexperienced country-maid, who was even afraid of becoming
a wanderer about the streets, and therefore gladly jump'd at the
first offer of a shelter, especially from so grave and matron-like
a {lady}, for such my flattering fancy assur'd me this {now} mistress
of mine was: I being actually hired under the nose of the good
woman that kept the office, whose shrewd smiles and shrugs I
could not help observing, and innocently interpreted them as
marks of her being pleased at my getting into place so soon: but,
as I afterwards came to know, these {Beldams} understood one
another very well, and this was a market where Mrs#. {Brown}
(my mistress) frequently attended, on the watch for any fresh
goods that might offer there, for the use of her customers, and
her own profit.
\SFanny 1.7  :
\N37 Madam was, however, so well pleased with her bargain, that,
fearing, I presume, lest better advice, or some accident might
occasion my slipping through her fingers, she would officiously
take me in a coach to my inn, where calling herself for my box, it
was, I being present, delivered without the least scruple, or
explanation as to where I was going.
\PFanny 1.8  :
\SFanny 1.8  :
\N1 This being over, she bid the coachman drive to a shop in St#.
{Paul's} churchyard, where she bought a pair of gloves, which she
gave me, and thence renew'd her directions to the coachman, to
drive to her house in #-#-#-#- {street}, who accordingly landed us at
her door, after I had been chear'd up, and entertain'd by the way
with the most plausible flams, without one syllable from
which I could conclude any thing but that I was by the greatest
good luck fallen into the hands of the kindest mistress, not to
say friend, that the {varsal} world could afford; and accordingly
I enter'd her doors with most complete confidence and exultation,
promising myself, that, as soon as I should be a little
settled, I would acquaint {Esther Davis} with my rare good
fortune.
\SFanny 1.8  :
\N14 You may be sure the good opinion of my place was not
lessened by the appearance of a very handsome back-parlour,
into which I was led, and which seemed to me magnificently
furnished, who had never seen better rooms than the ordinary
ones in inns upon the road. There were two gilt pier-glasses, and
a beaufet, in which a few pieces of plate, set out to the most
shew, dazzled, and altogether persuaded me, that I must be got
into a very reputable family.
\SFanny 1.8  :
\N22 Here my mistress first began her part, with telling me, that I
must have good spirits, and learn to be free with her; that she
had not taken me to be a common servant, to do domestic
drudgery, but to be a kind of companion to her; and that, if I
would be a good girl, she would do more than twenty mothers
for me; to all which I answered only by the profoundest and the
aukwardest curtsies, and a few monosyllables, such as yes! no!
to be sure.
\SFanny 1.8  :
\N30 Presently my mistress touch'd the bell, and in came a strapping
maid-servant, who had let us in: Here, {Martha}, said Mrs#.
{Brown}, I have just hir'd this young woman to look after my
linnen, so step up, and shew her her chamber; and I charge you
to use her with as much respect as you would myself, for I have
taken a prodigious liking to her, and I do not know what I shall
do for her.
\SFanny 1.8  :
\N37 {Martha}, who was an arch jade, and being used to this decoy,
had her cue perfect, made me a kind of half curtsy, and asked me
to walk up with her, and accordingly shew'd me a neat room
two pair of stairs backwards, in which there was a handsome
bed, where {Martha} told me I was to {lay} with a young gentlewoman,
a cousin of my mistress's, who she was sure would be
\PFanny 1.9  :
\N1 vastly good to me: then she ran out into such affected
encomiums on her good mistress! her sweet mistress! and how
happy I was to light upon her,(--)that I could not have bespoke a
better,(--)with other the like gross stuff, such as would itself have
started suspicions in any but such an unpracticed simpleton
who was perfectly new to life, and who took every word she
said, in the very sense she laid out for me to take it; but she
readily saw what a penetration she had to deal with, and
measured me very rightly in her manner of whistling to me, so
as to make me pleased with my cage, and blind to its wires.
\SFanny 1.9  :
\N11 In the midst of these false explanations of the nature of my
future service, we were rung for down again, and I was
reintroduced into the same parlour, where there was a table laid
with three covers; and my mistress had now got with her one of
her favourite girls, a notable manager of her house, and whose
business it was to prepare and break such young Fillies as I was
to the mounting-block: and she was accordingly, in that view,
allotted me for a bed-fellow; and to give her the more authority,
she had the title of cousin confer'd on her by the venerable
president of this college.
\SFanny 1.9  :
\N21 Here I underwent a second survey, which ended in the full
approbation of Mrs#. {Ph#oebe Ayres}, the name of my tuteress
elect, to whose care and instructions I was affectionately
recommended.
\SFanny 1.9  :
\N25 Dinner was now set on the table, and in pursuance of treating
me as a companion, Mrs#. {Brown}, with a tone to cut off all
dispute, soon over-rul'd all my most humble and most confused
protestations against sitting down with her {Ladyship}, which my
very short breeding just suggested to me could not be right, or
in the order of things.
\SFanny 1.9  :
\N31 At table, the conversation was chiefly kept up by the two
madams, and carried on in double-meaning expressions, interrupted
every now and then by kind assurances to me, all tending
to confirm and fix my satisfaction with my present condition:
augment it they could not, so very a novice was I then.
\SFanny 1.9  :
\N36 It was here agreed, that I should keep myself up, and out of
sight for a few days, till such cloaths could be procured for me,
as were fit for the character I was to appear in, of my mistress's
companion, observing withall, that on the first impressions of
my figure, much might depend; and, as they well judged, the
prospect of exchanging my country-cloaths for {London} finery,
made the clause of confinement digest perfectly well with me.
\PFanny 1.10 :
\N1 But the truth was, Mrs#. {Brown} did not care that I should be seen
or talked to by any, either of her customers, or her {Does}, (as
they call'd the girls provided for them) till she had secured a
good market for my maidenhead, which I had at least all the
appearances of having brought into her {ladyship's} service.
\SFanny 1.10 :
\N6 To slip over minutes of no importance to the main of my
story, I pass the interval to bed-time, in which I was more and
more pleased with the views that open'd to me of an easy service
under these good people: and after supper, being shew'd up to
bed, Miss {Ph#oebe}, who observed a kind of modest reluctance in
me to strip, and go to bed in my shift before her, now the maid
was withdrawn, came up to me, and beginning with unpinning
my handkerchief, and gown, soon encouraged me to go on
with undressing myself, and, still blushing at now seeing myself
naked to my shift, I hurried to get under the bed-cloaths, out of
sight. {Ph#oebe} laugh'd, and was not long before she placed
herself by my side. She was about five and twenty, by her own
most suspicious account, in which, according to all
appearances, she must have sunk at least ten good years,
allowance too being made for the havoc which a long course of
hacney-ship, and hot waters, must have made of her constitution,
and which had already brought on, upon the spur, that
stale stage, in which those of her profession are reduced to think
of {showing} company, instead of {seeing} it.
\SFanny 1.10 :
\N25 No sooner then was this precious substitute of my mistress's
lain down, but she, who was never out of her way when any
occasion of lewdness presented itself, turned to me, embraced,
and kiss'd me with great eagerness. This was new, this was odd;
but imputing it to nothing but pure kindness, which, for ought I
knew, it might be the {London} way to express in that manner, I
was determin'd not to be behind-hand with her, and returned
her the kiss and embrace, with all the fervour that perfect
innocence knew.
\SFanny 1.10 :
\N34 Encouraged by this, her hands became extremely free, and
wander'd over my whole body, with touches, squeezes, pressures,
that rather warm'd and surpriz'd me with their novelty,
than they either shock'd or alarm'd me.
\SFanny 1.10 :
\N38 The flattering praises she intermingled with these invasions,
contributed also not a little to bribe my passiveness, and
knowing no ill, I fear'd none; especially from one who had
prevented all doubt of her womanhood, by conducting my
hands to a pair of breasts that hung loosely down, in a size and
\PFanny 1.11 :
\N1 volume that full sufficiently distinguished her sex, to me at least,
who had never made any other comparison.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N3 I lay then all tame and passive as she could wish, whilst her
freedom, raised no other emotion but those of a strange, and till
then unfelt pleasure: every part of me was open, and exposed to
the licentious courses of her hands, which like a lambent fire ran
over my whole body, and thaw'd all coldness as they went.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N8 My breasts, if it is not too bold a figure to call so, two hard,
firm, rising hillocs, that just began to shew themselves, or
signify any thing to the touch, employ'd and amused her hands
a while, till slipping down lower, over a smooth track, she could
just feel the soft silky down that had but a few months before
put forth, and garnish'd the mount-pleasant of those parts, and
promised to spread a grateful shelter over the sweet seat of the
most exquisite sensation, and which had been, till that instant,
the seat of the most insensible innocence. Her fingers play'd,
and strove to twine in the young tendrils of that moss which
nature has contrived at once for use and ornament.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N19 But not contented with these outer-posts, she now attempts
the main-spot, and began to twitch, to insinuate, and at length
to force an introduction of a finger into the quick itself, in such a
manner, that had she not proceeded by insensible gradations,
that enflamed me beyond the power of modesty to oppose its
resistence to their progress, I should have jump'd out of bed,
and cried out for help against such strange assaults.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N26 Instead of which, her lascivious touches had lighted up a new
fire that wanton'd through all my veins, but fix'd with violence
in that center appointed them by nature, where the first strange
hands were now busied in feeling, squeezing, compressing the
lips, then opening them again, with a finger between, till an Oh!
express'd her hurting me, where the narrowness of the
unbroken passage refused it entrance to any depth.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N33 In the mean time the extension of my limbs, languid stretchings,
sighs, short heavings, all conspired to assure that
experienced wanton, that I was more pleased then offended at
her proceedings, which she seasoned with repeated kisses and
exclamations, such as "[Oh! what a charming creature thou
art!(--)what a happy man will he be that first makes a woman of
you!(--)Oh! that I were a man for your sake(--)!"] with the
like broken expressions, interrupted by kisses as fierce and
salacious as ever I received from the other sex.
\SFanny 1.11 :
\N42 For my part, I was transported, confused, and out of myself:
\PFanny 1.12 :
\N1 Feelings so new were too much for me; my heated and alarm'd
senses were in a tumult that robb'd me of all liberty of thought;
tears of pleasure gush'd from my eyes, and somewhat assuaged
the fire that rag'd all over me.
\SFanny 1.12 :
\N5 {Ph#oebe} herself, the hackney'd, thorough-bred {Ph#oebe}, to
whom all modes and devices of pleasure were known and
familiar, found, it seems, in this exercise of her art to break
young girls, the gratification of one of those arbitrary tastes, for
which there is no accounting: not that she hated men, or did not
even prefer them to her own sex; but when she met with such
occasions as this was, a satiety of enjoyments in the common
road, perhaps too a secret byass, inclined her to make the most
of pleasure, where-ever she could find it, without distinction of
sexes. In this view, now well assured that she had, by her
touches, sufficiently inflamed me for her purpose, she roll'd
down the bed-cloaths gently, and I saw myself stretch'd naked,
my shift being turned up to my neck, whilst I had no power or
sense to oppose it; even my glowing blushes expressed more
desire than modesty, whilst the candle left, to be sure not
undesignedly, burning, threw a full light on my whole body.
\SFanny 1.12 :
\N21 "[No! (says {Ph#oebe}) you must not, my sweet girl, think to
hide all these treasures from me, my sight must be feasted as
well as my touch(--)I must devour with my eyes this springing
{bosom},(--)suffer me to kiss it(--)I have not seen it enough(--)let me
kiss it once more(--)what firm, smooth, white flesh is here
(--)how delicately shaped!(--)then this delicious down! Oh! let
me view the small, dear, tender cleft!(--)this is too much, I
cannot bear it, I must, I must(--)"]. Here she took my hand, and,
in a transport, carried it where you will easily guess; but what a
difference in the state of the same thing!(--)a spreading thicket of
bushy curls mark'd the full-grown complete woman: then the
cavity, to which she guided my hand, easily received it, and as
soon as she felt it within her, she moved herself to and fro, with
so rapid a friction, that I presently withdrew it, wet and
clammy, when instantly {Ph#oebe} grew more composed, after
two or three sighs, and heart-fetch'd Oh's! and giving me a kiss,
that seemed to exhale her soul through her lips, she replaced the
bed-cloaths over us.
\SFanny 1.12 :
\N39 What pleasure she had found I will not say; but this I know,
that the first sparks of kindling nature, the first ideas of
pollution, were caught by me that night, and that the acquaintance
and communication with the bad of our own sex, is often
\PFanny 1.13 :
\N1 as fatal to innocence, as all the seductions of the other: But to go
on:(--)when {Ph#oebe} was restor'd to that calm, which I was far
from the enjoyment of myself, she artfully sounded me on all
the points necessary to govern the designs of my virtuous
mistress on me, and by my answers, drawn from pure undissembled
nature, she had no reason but to promise herself all
imaginable success, so far as it depended on my ignorance,
easiness, and warmth of constitution.
\SFanny 1.13 :
\N9 After a sufficient length of dialogue, my bed-fellow left me to
my rest, and I fell asleep, through pure weariness, from the
violent emotions I had been led into, when nature (which had
been too warmly stir'd, and fermented to subside without
allaying by some means or other) relieved me by one of those
luscious dreams, the transports of which are scarce inferior to
those of waking, real action.
\SFanny 1.13 :
\N16 In the morning I awoke, about ten, perfectly gay and
refreshed; {Ph#oebe} was up before me, and asked me in the
kindest manner how I did, how I had rested, and if I was ready
for breakfast? carefully at the same time avoiding to encrease
the confusion she saw I was in, at looking her in the face, by any
hint of the night's bed-scene.(--)I told her, if she pleased, I would
get up, and begin any work she would be pleased to set me
about. She smil'd; presently the maid brought in the tea-equipage,
and I just huddled my cloaths on, when in waddled
my mistress. I expected not less than to be told of, if not chid for,
my late rising, when I was agreeably disappointed by her
compliments on my pure and fresh looks: "[I was a bud of
beauty; (this was her stile) and how vastly all the fine men
would admire me!"] to all which my answers did not, I can
assure you, wrong my breeding: they were as simple, and silly
as they could wish, and, no doubt, flattered them infinitely
more than they had proved me enlightened by education and
knowledge of the world.
\SFanny 1.13 :
\N34 We breakfasted; and the tea-things were scarce removed,
when in were brought two bundles of linnen and wearing
apparel; in short, all the necessaries for {rigging me out}, as they
termed it, compleatly.
\SFanny 1.13 :
\N38 Imagine to yourself, madam, how my little coquet-heart
flutter'd with joy at the sight of a white lute-string, flower'd
with silver, scoured indeed, but past on me for spick-and-span
new, a {Brussel}-lace cap, braided shoes, and the rest in proportion,
all second-hand finery, and procured instantly for the
\PFanny 1.14 :
\N1 occasion, by the diligence and industry of the good Mrs#.
{Brown}, who had already a chapman for me in the house,
before whom my charms were to pass in review; for he had not
only in course insisted on a previous sight of the premisses, but
also on immediate surrender to him, in case of his agreeing for
me; concluding very wisely, that such a place as I was in, was of
the hottest, to trust the keeping of such a perishable commodity
in, as a maidenhead.
\SFanny 1.14 :
\N9 The care of dressing, and tricking me out for the market, was
then left to {Ph#oebe}, who acquitted herself, if not well, at least
perfectly to the satisfaction of every thing but my impatience of
seeing myself dress'd. When it was over, and I view'd myself in
the glass, I was, no doubt, too natural, too artless, to hide my
childish joy at the change; a change in real truth for much the
worse, since I must have much better become the neat easy
simplicity of my rustic dress, than the aukward, untoward,
taudry finery, that I could not conceal my strangeness to.
\SFanny 1.14 :
\N18 {Ph#oebe}'s compliments, however, in which her own share in
dressing me was not forgot, did not a little confirm me in now
the first notions I had ever entertained concerning my person,
which, be it said without vanity, was then tolerable enough to
justify a taste for me, and of which it may not be out of place
here to sketch you an unflatter'd picture.
\SFanny 1.14 :
\N24 I was tall, yet not too tall of my age, which, as I before
remark'd, was barely turned of fifteen, my shape perfectly
straight, thin waisted, and light and free, without owing any
thing to stays. My hair was a glossy auburn, and as soft as silk,
flowing down my neck, in natural buckles, and did not a little
set off the whiteness of a smooth skin. My face was rather too
ruddy, though its features were delicate, and the shape was a
roundish oval, except where a pit in my chin had far from a
disagreeable effect: my eyes were as black as can be imagin'd,
and rather languishing than sparkling, except on certain occasions,
when I have been told they struck fire fast enough: my
teeth, which I ever carefully preserv'd, were small, even, and
white; my bosom was finely rais'd, and one might then discern
rather the promise, than the actual growth, of the round, firm
breasts, that in a little time made that promise good: in short, all
the points of beauty that are most universally in request, I had,
or at least my vanity forbid me to appeal from the decision of
our sovereign judges the men, who all, that I ever knew at least,
gave it thus highly in my favour; and I met with, even in my
\PFanny 1.15 :
\N1 own sex, some that were above denying me that justice, whilst
others praised me yet more unsuspectedly, by endeavouring to
detract from me, in points of person and figure that I obviously
excelled in.(--)This is I own, too much, too strong of self-praise;
but should I not be ungrateful to nature, and to a form to which
I owe such singular blessings of pleasure and fortune, were I to
suppress, through an affectation of modesty, the mention of
such valuable gifts?
\SFanny 1.15 :
\N9 Well then, dress'd I was, and little did it then enter into my
head that all this gay attire was no more than decking the victim
out for sacrifice, whilst I innocently attributed all to sheer
friendship and kindness in the sweet good Mrs#. {Brown}, who, I
was forgetting to mention, had, under pretence of keeping my
money safe, got from me, without the least hesitation, the
Driblet, (so I now call it) which remained to me after the
expences of my journey.
\SFanny 1.15 :
\N17 After some little time, most agreeably spent before the glass,
in scarce self-admiration, since my new dress had by much the
greatest share in it, I was sent for down to the parlour, where the
old lady saluted me, and wished me joy of my new cloaths,
which, she was not asham'd to say, fitted me as if I had worn
nothing but the finest all my life time; but what was it she could
not see me silly enough to swallow? at the same time she
presented me to another cousin of her own creation, an elderly
gentleman, who got up at my entry into the room, and on my
dropping a curtsy to him, saluted me, and seemed a little
affronted that I had only presented my cheek to him; a mistake,
which, if one, he immediately corrected, by glewing his lips to
mine with an ardour which his figure had not at all disposed me
to thank him for: his figure, I say, than which nothing could be
more shocking or detestable; for ugly, and disagreeable, were
terms too gentle to convey a just idea of it.
\SFanny 1.15 :
\N33 Imagine to yourself, a man rather past threescore, short and
ill made, with a yellow cadaverous hue, great goggling eyes, that
stared as if he was strangled; an out-mouth from two more
properly tushes than teeth, livid lips, and a breath like a jakes;
then he had a peculiar ghastliness in his grin, that made him
perfectly frightful, if not dangerous to women with child; yet,
made as he was thus in mock of man, he was so blind to his own
staring deformities, as to think himself born for pleasing, and
that no woman could see him with impunity: in consequence of
which idea, he had lavished great sums on such wretches as
\PFanny 1.16 :
\N1 could gain upon themselves to pretend love to his person, whilst
to those who had not art or patience to dissemble the horror it
inspired, he behaved even brutally. Impotence, more than
necessity, made him seek in variety, the provocative that was
wanting to raise him to the pitch of enjoyment, which too he
often saw himself baulked of by the failure of his powers: and
this always threw him into a fit of rage, which he wreak'd, as far
as he durst, on the innocent objects of his fit of momentary
desire.
\SFanny 1.16 :
\N10 This then was the monster to which my conscientious benefactress,
who had long been his purveyor in this way, had
doomed me, and sent for me down purposely for this examination:
accordingly, she made me stand up before him, turned me
round, unpin'd my handkerchief, remark'd to him the rise and
fall, the turn, and whiteness of a bosom just beginning to fill;
then made me walk, and took even a handle from the rusticity of
my gait, to inflame the inventory of my charms: in short, she
omitted no point of jockey-ship; to which he only answer'd by
gracious nods of approbation, whilst he look'd goats and
monkeys at me: for I sometimes stole a corner-glance at him,
and, encountering his fiery eager stare, looked another way
from pure horror and affright, which he, doubtless in character,
attributed to nothing more than maiden modesty, or at least the
affectation of it.
\SFanny 1.16 :
\N25 However, I was soon dismiss'd, and reconducted to my
room, by {Ph#oebe}, who stuck close to me, by way of not leaving
me alone, and at leisure, to make such reflections as might
naturally rise to any one, not an idiot, on such a scene as I had
just gone through; but to my shame be it confess'd, that such
was my invincible stupidity, or rather portentous innocence,
that I did not yet open my eyes on Mrs#. {Brown}'s designs, and
saw nothing in this titular cousin of her's, but a shocking
hideous person, which did not at all concern me, unless that my
gratitude for my benefactress made me extend my respect to all
her cousinhood.
\SFanny 1.16 :
\N36 {Ph#oebe}, however, began to sift the state and pulses of my
heart towards this monster, asking me how I should approve of
such a fine gentleman for a husband? (fine gentleman, I suppose
she called him, from his being daubed with lace). I answered her
very naturally, that I had no thoughts of a husband; but that if I
was to choose one, it should be among my own degree {sure!} so
much had my aversion to that wretch's hideous figure indisposed
\PFanny 1.17 :
\N1 me to all {fine gentlemen}, and confounded my ideas, as if
those of that rank had been necessarily cast in the same mould
that he was; but {Ph#oebe} was not to be beat off so, but went on
with her endeavours to melt and soften me for the purposes of
my reception into that hospitable house: and whilst she talked
of the sex in general, she had no reason to despair of a
compliance, which more than one reason shewed her would be
easily enough obtained of me; but then she had too much
experience not to discover that my particular fix'd aversion to
that frightful cousin, would be a block not so readily to be
removed, as suited with the consummation of their bargain and
sale of me.
\SFanny 1.17 :
\N13 Mother {Brown} had in the mean time agreed the terms with
this liquorish old goat, which I afterwards understood were to
be fifty guineas peremptory for the liberty of attempting me,
and a hundred more at the compleat gratification of his desires,
in the triumph over my virginity: and as for me, I was to be left
entirely at the discretion of his liking and generosity. This
unrighteous contract being thus settled, he was so eager to be
put in possession, that he insisted on being introduc'd to drink
tea with me that afternoon, when were to be left alone; nor
would he hearken to the procuress's remonstrances, that I was
not sufficiently prepared, and ripened for such an attack; that I
was yet too green and untam'd, having been scarce twenty-four
hours in her house: it is the character of lust to be impatient, and
his vanity arming him against any supposition of other than the
common resistance of a maid on those occasions, made him
reject all proposals of delay, and my dreadful trial was thus
fix'd, unknown to me that very evening.
\SFanny 1.17 :
\N30 At dinner, Mrs#. {Brown} and {Ph#oebe} did nothing but run riot in
praises of this wonderful cousin, and how happy that woman
would be that he would favour with his addresses: in short, my
two gossips exhausted all their rhetoric to persuade me to accept
them; "[that the gentleman was violently smitten with me at first
sight...that he would make my fortune if I would be a good
girl, and not stand in my own light...that I should trust his
honour...that I should be made for ever, and have a chariot to
go abroad in,"]...with all such stuff as was fit to turn the head of
such a silly ignorant girl as I then was: but luckily here my
aversion had taken already such deep root in me, my heart was
so strongly defended from him by my senses, that, wanting the
art to mask my sentiments, I gave them no hopes of their
\PFanny 1.18 :
\N1 employer's succeeding, at least very easily, with me. The glass
too march'd pretty quick, with a view, I suppose, to make a
friend of the warmth of my constitution, in the minutes of the
imminent attack.
\SFanny 1.18 :
\N5 Thus they kept me pretty long at table, and about six in the
evening, after I was retired to my own apartment, and the tea-board
was set, enters my venerable mistress, follow'd close by
that satyr, who came in grinning in a way peculiar to him, and
by his odious presence confirm'd me in all the sentiments of
detestation which his first appearance had given birth to.
\SFanny 1.18 :
\N11 He sat down fronting me, and all tea-time kept ogling me in a
manner that gave me the utmost pain and confusion, all the
marks of which he still explained to be my bashfulness, and not
being used to see company.
\SFanny 1.18 :
\N15 Tea over, the commode old lady pleaded urgent business,
(which indeed was true) to go out, and earnestly desired me to
entertain her cousin {kindly} till she came back, both for my own
sake and her's; and then, with a "[pray sir, be very good, be very
tender of the sweet child,"] she went out of the room, leaving me
staring, with my mouth open, and unprepared, by the suddenness
of her departure, to oppose it.
\SFanny 1.18 :
\N22 We were now alone; and on that idea a sudden fit of
trembling seized me;(--)I was so afraid, without a precise notion
of why, and what I had to fear, that I sat on the settee, by the
fire-side, motionless, and petrified, without life or spirit, not
knowing how to look, or how to stir.
\SFanny 1.18 :
\N27 But long I was not suffered to remain in this state of
stupefaction: the monster squatted down by me on the settee,
and without farther ceremony, or preamble, flings his arms
about my neck, and drawing me pretty forcibly towards him,
oblig'd me to receive, in spite of my struggles to disengage from
him, his pestilential kisses, which quite overcame me: finding
me then next to senseless and unresisting, he tears off my neck-handkerchief,
and laid all open there to his eyes, and hands; still
I endur'd all without flinching, till embolden'd by my sufferance,
and silence, (for I had not the power to speak, or cry
out) he attempted to lay me down on the settee, and I felt his
hand on the lower part of my naked thighs, which were cross'd,
and which he endeavour'd to unlock. Oh then! I was rouzed out
of my passive endurance, and springing from him with an
activity he was not prepar'd for, threw myself at his feet, and
begg'd him, in the most moving tone, not to be rude, and that he
\PFanny 1.19 :
\N1 would not hurt me:..."[Hurt you, my dear! says the brute, I
intend you no harm...Has not the old lady told you that I
loved you?...that I shall do handsomely by you?"]...she has
indeed, sir, said I; but I cannot love you, indeed I cannot!
(--)pray, let me alone...yes! I will love you dearly, if you will let
me alone, and go away:(--)but I was talking to the wind; for
whether my tears, my attitude, or the disorder of my dress
prov'd fresh incentives, or whether he was now under the
dominion of desires he could not bridle, but snorting and
foaming with lust and rage, he renews his attack, seizes me, and
again attempts to extend and fix me on the settee; in which he
succeeded so far as to lay me along; and even to toss my
petticoats over my head, and lay my thighs bare, which I
obstinately kept close, nor could he, though he attempted with
his knee to force them open, effect it so as to stand fair for being
master of the main avenue: he was unbuttoned, both waistcoat
and breeches, yet I only felt the weight of his body upon me,
whilst I lay struggling with indignation, and dying with terrors;
but he stopt all of a sudden, and got off, panting, blowing,
cursing, and rehearsing upon me {old} and {ugly!} for so I had very
naturally called him, in the heat of my defence.
\SFanny 1.19 :
\N22 The brute had, it seems, as I afterwards understood, brought
on, by his eagerness, and struggle, the ultimate period of his hot
fit of lust, which his power was too short-liv'd to carry him
through the full execution of; of which my thighs and linnen
received the effusion.
\SFanny 1.19 :
\N27 When it was over, he bid me, with a tone of displeasure, get
up..."[that he would not do me the honour to think of me any
more,...that the old b#-#-#-h might look out for another cully,
...that he would not be fool'd so by e'er a country mock-modesty
in {England}...that he supposed I had left my
maidenhead with some hobnail in the country, and was come
to dispose of my skim-milk in town,"] with a volley of the like
abuse; which I listened to with more pleasure than ever fond
woman did to protestations of love, from her darling minion:
for, uncapable as I was of receiving any addition to my perfect
hatred and aversion to him, I look'd on his railing, as my
security against his renewing his most odious caresses.
\SFanny 1.19 :
\N39 Yet, plain as Mrs#. {Brown}'s views were now come out, I had
not the heart, or spirit to open my eyes on them: still I could not
part with my dependence on that beldam; so much did I think
myself her's, soul and body; or rather, I sought to deceive
\PFanny 1.20 :
\N1 myself with the continuation of my good opinion of her, and
chose to wait the worst at her hands, sooner than being turn'd
out to starve in the streets, without a penny of money, or a
friend to apply to: these fears were my folly.
\SFanny 1.20 :
\N5 Whilst this confusion of ideas was passing in my head, and I
sat pensive by the fire, with my eyes brimming with tears, my
neck still bare, and my cap fall'n of in the struggle, so that my
hair was in the disorder you may guess, the villain's lust began, I
suppose, to be again in flow, at the sight of all that bloom of
youth which presented itself to his view, a bloom yet
unenjoy'd, and in course not yet indifferent to him.
\SFanny 1.20 :
\N12 After some pause, he ask'd me, with a tone of voice mightily
soften'd, whether I would make it up with him before the old
lady returned, and all should be well; he would restore me his
affections: at the same time offering to kiss me, and feel my
breasts. But now my extreme aversion, my fears, my indignation,
all acting upon me, gave me a spirit not natural to me, so
that breaking loose from him, I ran to the bell, and rang it,
before he was aware, with such violence and effect, as brought
up the maid to know what was the matter, or whether the
gentleman wanted any thing? and, before he could proceed to
greater extremities, she bounc'd into the room, and seeing me
stretch'd on the floor, my hair all dishevell'd, my nose gushing
out blood, (which did not a little tragedize the scene) and my
odious persecutor still intent on pushing his brutal point,
unmov'd by all my cries and distress, she was herself confounded,
and did not know what to do.
\SFanny 1.20 :
\N28 As much however as {Martha} might be prepared, and
hardened to transactions of this sort, all womanhood must have
been out of her heart, could she have seen this unmov'd. Besides
that, on the face of things, she imagined that matters had gone
greater lengths than they really had, and that the courtesy of the
house had been actually consummated on me, and flung me into
the condition I was in: in this notion she instantly took my part,
and advis'd the gentleman to go down, and leave me to recover
myself, and that all would be soon over with me.(--)That when
Mrs#. {Brown}, and {Ph#oebe}, who were gone out, were return'd,
they would take order for every thing to his satisfaction,...that
nothing would be lost by a little patience with the poor tender
thing,...that for her part, she was frighten'd,...she could not
tell what to say to such doings,...but that she would stay by me
till my mistress came home. As the wench said all this in a
\PFanny 1.21 :
\N1 resolute tone, and the monster himself began to perceive that
things would not mend by his staying, he took his hat and went
out of the room murmuring, and pleating his brows like an old
ape, so that I was delivered from the horrors of his detestable
presence.
\SFanny 1.21 :
\N6 As soon as he was gone, {Martha} very tenderly offered me her
assistance in any thing, and would have got me some hartshorn
drops, and put me to bed; which last I, at first, positively
refused, in the fear that the monster might return, and take me at
that advantage: however, with much persuasion, and assurances
that I should not be molested that night, she prevailed on me to
lie down; and indeed I was so weakened by my struggles, so
dejected by my fearful apprehensions, so terrour-struck, that I
had no power to sit up, or hardly to give answers to the
questions with which the curious {Martha} ply'd and perplex'd
me.
\SFanny 1.21 :
\N17 Such too, and so cruel was my fate, that I dreaded the sight of
Mrs#. {Brown}, as if I had been the criminal, and she the person
injur'd: a mistake which you will not think so strange, on
distinguishing that neither virtue, or principles, had the least
share in the defence I had made; but only the particular aversion
I had conceiv'd against this first brutal and frightful invader of
my tender innocence.
\SFanny 1.21 :
\N24 I pass'd then the time till Mrs#. {Brown}'s return home, under all
the agitations of fear and despair that may easily be guessed.
\SFanny 1.21 :
\N26 About eleven at night my two ladies came home, and having
receiv'd rather a favourable account from {Martha}, who had run
down to let them in: (for Mr#. {Crofts}, that was the name of my
brute, was gone out of the house, after waiting till he had tired
his patience for Mrs#. {Brown}'s return) they came thundering up
stairs, and seeing me pale, my face bloody, and all the marks of
the most thorough dejection, they employed themselves more
to comfort and re-inspirit me, than in making me the reproaches
I was weak enough to fear: I who had so many juster and
stronger to retort upon them.
\SFanny 1.21 :
\N36 Mrs#. {Brown} withdrawn, {Ph#oebe} came presently to bed to me,
and what with the answers she drew from me, what with her
own method of {palpably} satisfying herself, she soon discovered
that I had been more frightened then hurt; upon which, I suppose
being herself seiz'd with sleep, and reserving her lectures and
instructions till the next morning, she left me, properly speaking,
to my unrest: for after tossing, and turning, the greatest
\PFanny 1.22 :
\N1 part of the night, and tormenting myself with the falsest notions
and apprehensions of things, I fell, through meer fatigue, into a
kind of delirious doze, out of which I wak'd late in the morning,
in a violent fever; a circumstance which was extremely critical
to reprive me, at least for a time, from the attacks of a wretch,
infinitely more terrible to me than death itself.
\SFanny 1.22 :
\N7 The interested care that was taken of me during my illness, in
order to restore me to a condition of making good the bawd's
engagements, or of enduring further trials, had however such an
effect on my grateful disposition, that I even thought myself
oblig'd to my undoers for their attentions to promote my
recovery, and, above all, for the keeping out of my sight that
brutal ravisher, the author of my disorder, on their finding I was
too strongly mov'd at the bare mention of his name.
\SFanny 1.22 :
\N15 Youth is soon raised; and a few days were sufficient to
conquer the fury of my fever: but what contributed most to my
perfect recovery, and to my reconciliation with life, was the
timely news, that Mr#. {Crofts}, who was a merchant of considerable
dealings, was arrested at the king's suit, for near forty
thousand pounds, on account of his driving a certain contraband
trade, and that his affairs were so desperate, that even were
it in his inclination, it would not be in his power to renew his
designs upon me: for he was instantly thrown into a prison,
which it was not likely that he would get out of in haste.
\SFanny 1.22 :
\N25 Mrs#. {Brown}, who had touch'd his fifty guineas, advanc'd to
so little purpose, and lost all hopes of the remaining hundred,
began to look upon my treatment of him with a more favourable
eye; and as they had observ'd my temper to be perfectly
tractable, and comformable to their views, all the girls that
compos'd her flock, were suffer'd to visit me, and had their cue
to dispose me, by their conversation, to a perfect resignation of
myself to Mrs#. {Brown}'s direction.
\SFanny 1.22 :
\N33 Accordingly they were let in upon me, and all that frolic and
thoughtless gaiety in which those giddy creature consume their
leisure, made me envy a condition of which I only saw the fair
side: insomuch, that the being one of them became even my
ambition: a disposition which they all carefully cultivated; and I
wanted now nothing but to restore my health, that I might be
able to undergo the ceremony of the initiation.
\SFanny 1.22 :
\N40 Conversation, example, all, in short, contributed, in that
house, to corrupt my native purity, which had taken no root in
education, whilst now the inflamable principle of pleasure, so
\PFanny 1.23 :
\N1 easily fired at my age, made strange work within me, and all the
modesty I was brought up in the habit, (not the instruction) of,
began to melt away, like dew before the sun's heat; not to
mention that I made a vice of necessity, from the constant fears I
had of being turn'd out to starve.
\SFanny 1.23 :
\N6 I was soon pretty well recover'd, and at certain hours allow'd
to range all over the house, but cautiously kept from seeing any
company, till the arrival of lord {B}#-#-#-#- from {Bath}, to whom
Mrs#. {Brown}, in respect of his experienced generosity on such
occasions, proposed to offer the refusal of that trinket of mine,
which bears so great an imaginary value; and his lordship being
expected in town in less than a fortnight, Mrs#. {Brown} judged I
should be entirely renewed in beauty, and freshness, by that
time, and afford her the chance of a better bargain than she had
driven with Mr#. {Crofts}.
\SFanny 1.23 :
\N16 In the mean time, I was so thoroughly, as they call it,
brought over, so tame to their whistle, that, had my cage-door
been set open, I had no idea that I ought to fly anywhere,
sooner than stay where I was; nor had I the least sense of
regretting my condition, but waited very quietly for whatever
Mrs#. {Brown} should order concerning me, who on her side, by
herself, and her agents, took more than the necessary precautions
to lull and lay asleep all just reflexions on my
destination.
\SFanny 1.23 :
\N25 Preachments of morality over the left shoulder, a life of joy
painted in the gayest colours, caresses, promises, indulgent
treatment, nothing in short was wanting to domesticate me
entirely, and to prevent my going out any where to get better
advice; alass! I dream'd of no such thing.
\SFanny 1.23 :
\N30 Hitherto I had been indebted only to the girls of the house for
the corruption of my innocence: their luscious talk, in which
modesty was far from respected, their descriptions of their
engagements with men, had given me a tolerable insight into the
nature and mysteries of their profession, at the same time that
they highly provok'd an itch of florid warm-spirited blood
through every vein; but above all, my bed-fellow {Ph#oebe},
whose pupil I more immediately was, exerted her talents in
giving me the first tinctures of pleasure; whilst nature now
warm'd, and wantoned with discoveries so interesting, piqu'd a
curiosity which {Ph#oebe} artfully whetted, and leading me from
question to question of her own suggestion, explain'd to me all
the mysteries of {Venus}; but I could not long remain in such an
\PFanny 1.24 :
\N1 house as that, without being an eye-witness of more than I
could conceive from her descriptions.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N3 One day about twelve at noon, being thoroughly recover'd of
my fever, I happened to be in Mrs#. {Brown}'s dark closet, where
I had not been half an hour, resting on the maids settle-bed,
before I heard a rustling in the bed-chamber, separated from the
closet only by two sash-doors, before the glasses of which
were drawn two yellow-damask curtains, but not so close as to
exclude the full view of the room from any person in the closet.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N10 I instantly crept softly, and posted myself so, that seeing
every thing minutely, I could not myself be seen; and who
should come in but the venerable mother Abbess herself!
handed in by a tall, brawny, young horse-grenadier, moulded
in the {Hercules}-stile; {in fine}, the choice of the most experienced
dame, in those AFFAIRS, in all {London}.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N16 Oh! how still and hush did I keep at my stand, lest any noise
should baulk my curiosity, or bring madam into the closet!
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N18 But I had not much reason to fear either, for she was so
entirely taken up with her present great concern, that she had no
sense of attention to spare to any thing else.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N21 Droll was it to see that clumsy fat figure of her's flop down on
the foot of the bed, opposite to the closet-door, so that I had a
full front-view of all her charms.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N24 Her paramour sat down by her: He seemed to be a man of
very few words, and a great stomach; for proceeding instantly
to essentials, he gave her some hearty smacks, and thrusting his
hands into her breasts, disengag'd them from her stays, in scorn
of whose confinement they broke loose, and swagged down,
navel low at least. A more enormous pair did my eyes never
behold, nor of a worse colour, flagging-soft, and most lovingly
contiguous: yet such as they were, this neck-beef-eater seemed
to paw them with a most unenviable gust, seeking in vain to
confine or cover one of them with a hand scarce less than a
shoulder of mutton: after toying with them thus some time, as if
they had been worth it, he laid her down pretty briskly, and
canting up her petty-coats, made barely a mask of them to her
broad red face, that blush'd with nothing but brandy.
\SFanny 1.24 :
\N38 As he stood on one side for a minute or so, unbuttoning his
waste-coat, and breeches, her fat brawny thighs hung down,
and the whole greasy landskip lay fairly open to my view: a
wide open-mouth'd gap, overshadowed with a grizzly bush,
seemed held out like a beggar's wallet for its provision.
\PFanny 1.25 :
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N1 But I soon had my eyes called off by a more striking object,
that entirely engross'd them.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N3 Her sturdy stallion had now unbutton'd, and produced
naked, stiff, and erect, that wonderful machine, which I had
never seen before, and which, for the interest my own seat of
pleasure began to take furiously in it, I star'd at with all the eyes
I had: however my senses were too much flurried, too much
concenter'd in that now burning spot of mine, to observe any
thing more than in general the make and turn of that instrument,
from which the instinct of nature, yet more than all I had
heard of it, now strongly informed me, I was to expect that
supreme pleasure which she has placed in the meeting of those
parts so admirably fitted for each other.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N14 Long, however, the young spark did not remain, before,
giving it two or three shakes, by way of brandishing it, he threw
himself upon her, and his back being now towards me, I could
only take his being ingulph'd for granted, by the direction he
mov'd in, and the impossibility of missing so staring a mark;
and now the bed shook, the curtains rattled so, that I could
scarce hear the sighs, and murmurs, the heaves, and pantings
that accompanied the action, from the beginning to the end; the
sound and sight of which thrill'd to the very soul of me, and
made every vein of my body circulate liquid fires: the emotion
grew so violent that it almost intercepted my respiration.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N25 Prepared then, and disposed as I was by the discourse of my
companions, and {Ph#oebe}'s minute detail of every thing, no
wonder that such a sight gave the last dying blow to my native
innocence.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N29 Whilst they were in the heat of the action, guided by nature
only, I stole my hand up my petty-coat, and with fingers all on
fire, seized, and yet more inflamed that center of all my senses;
my heart palpitated, as if it would force its way through my
bosom: I breath'd with pain: I twisted my thighs, squeezed, and
compress'd the lips of that virgin-slit, and following mechanically
the example of {Ph#oebe}'s manual operation on it, as far as I
could find admission, brought on at last the critical extasy, the
melting flow, into which nature, spent with excess of pleasure,
dissolves and dies away.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N39 After which my senses recover'd coolness enough to observe
the rest of the transaction between this happy pair.
\SFanny 1.25 :
\N41 The young fellow had just dismounted, when the old lady
immediately sprung up, with all the vigour of youth, derived no
\PFanny 1.26 :
\N1 doubt from her late refreshment, and making him sit down,
began in her turn to kiss him, to pat and pinch his cheeks, and
play with his hair, all which he receiv'd with an air of indifference,
and coolness, that showed him to me much altered
from what he was when he first went on to the breach.
\SFanny 1.26 :
\N6 My pious governess, however, not being above calling in
auxiliaries, unlocks a little case of cordials that stood near the
bed, and made him pledge her in a very plentiful dram: after
which, and a little amorous parley, madam sat herself down
upon the same place at the bed's foot; and the young fellow
standing sideways by her, she, with the greatest effrontery
imaginable, unbuttons his breeches, and removing his shirt,
draws out his affair, so shrunk and diminish'd that I could not
but remember the difference, now crest-fallen, or just faintly
lifting its head: but our experienc'd matron very soon, by
chafing it with her hands, brought it to swell to that size and
erection I had before seen it up to.
\SFanny 1.26 :
\N18 I admired then, upon a fresh account, and with a nicer survey,
the texture of that capital part of man: the flaming red head as it
stood uncapt, the whiteness of the shaft, and the shrub-growth
of curling hair that embrowned the roots of it, the roundish bag
that dangled down from it, all exacted my eager attention, and
renewed my flame; but as the main-affair was now at the point
the industrious dame had laboured to bring it to, she was not in
the humour to put off the payment of her pains, but laying
herself down, drew him gently upon her, and thus they finish'd,
in the same manner as before, the old last act.
\SFanny 1.26 :
\N28 This over, they both went out lovingly together, the old lady
having first made him a present, as near as I could observe, of
three or four pieces; he being not only her particular favourite
on the account of his performances, but a retainer to the house,
from whose sight she had taken great care hither to secret me,
lest he might not have had patience to wait for my lord's arrival,
but have insisted on being his taster, which the old lady was
under too much subjection to him to dare dispute with him; for
every girl of the house fell to him in course, and the old lady
only now and then got her turn, in consideration of the
maintenance he had, and which he could scarce be accused of
not earning, from her.
\SFanny 1.26 :
\N40 As soon as I heard them go down stairs, I stole up softly to
my own room, out of which I had been luckily not mist. There I
began to breath a little freer, and to give a loose to those warm
\PFanny 1.27 :
\N1 emotions which the sight of such an encounter had rais'd in me. I
laid me down upon the bed, stretch'd myself out, joining, and
ardently wishing, and requiring any means to divert or allay the
rekindl'd rage and tumult of my desires, which all pointed
stongly to their pole, man. I felt about the bed, as if I sought for
something that I grasp'd in my waking dream, and not finding it,
could have cried for vexation, every part of me glowing with
stimulating fires. At length, I resorted to the only present
remedy, that of vain attempts at digitation, where the smallness
of the theater, did not yet afford room enough for action, and
where the pain my fingers gave me, in striving for admission,
though they procur'd me a slight satisfaction for the present,
started an apprehension, which I could not be easy till I had
communicated to {Ph#oebe}, and received her explanations upon it.
\SFanny 1.27 :
\N15 The opportunity however did not offer till next morning, for
{Ph#oebe} did not come to bed till long after I was gone to sleep: as
soon then, as we were both awake, it was but in course to bring
our ly-a-bed chat to land on the subject of my uneasiness: to
which a recital of the love-scene, I had thus, by a chance been
spectatress of, served for a preface.
\SFanny 1.27 :
\N21 {Ph#oebe} could not hear it to the end without more than one
interruption by peals of laughter, and my ingenuous way of
relating matters did not a little heighten the joke to her.
\SFanny 1.27 :
\N24 But on her sounding me how the sight had affected me:
without mincing or hiding the pleasurable emotions it had
inspir'd me with, I told her at the same time that one remark had
perplex'd me, and that very considerably: "[Ay! says she, what
was that?"] why, replied I, having very curiously and attentively
compared the size of that enormous machine, which did not
appear, at least to my fearful imagination, less than my wrist,
and at least three of my handfuls long, to that of the tender,
small part of me which was framed to receive it, I could not
conceive its being possible to afford it entrance there, without
dying, perhaps in the greatest pain, since she well knew that
even a finger thrust in there, hurt me beyond bearing:...as to
my mistress's and your's...I can very plainly distinguish the
different dimensions of them from mine, palpable to the touch,
and visible to the eye, so that in short, great as the promised
pleasure may be, I am afraid of the pain of the experiment.
\SFanny 1.27 :
\N40 {Ph#oebe} at this redoubl'd her laugh, and, whilst I expected a
very serious solution of my doubts and apprehensions in this
matter, only told me that she never heard of a mortal wound
\PFanny 1.28 :
\N1 being given in those parts, by that terrible weapon, and that
some she knew younger, and as delicately made as myself, had
outlived the operation, that she believed, at the worst, I would
take a great deal of killing:...that true it was, there was a great
diversity of sizes in those parts, owing to nature, child-bearing,
frequent over-stretching with unmerciful machines; but that at
a certain age, and habit of body, even the most experienc'd in
those affairs could not well distinguish between the maid, and
the woman, supposing too an absence of all artifice, and things
in their natural situation: but that since chance had thrown in
my way one sight of that sort, she would procure me another,
that should feast my eyes more delicately, and go a great way in
the cure of my fears from that imaginary disproportion.
\SFanny 1.28 :
\N14 On this she asked me if I knew {Polly Philips}. Undoubtedly,
says I, the fair girl which was so tender of me when I was sick,
and has been, as you told me, but two months in the house? the
same says {Ph#oebe}. You must know then, she is kept by a young
{Genoese} merchant, whom his uncle, who is immensely rich, and
whose darling he is, sent over here with an {English} merchant his
friend, on a pretext of settling some accounts, but in reality to
humour his inclinations for travelling, and seeing the world. He
met casually with this {Polly} once in company, and taking a
liking to her, makes it worth her while to keep entirely to him:
he comes to her here twice or thrice a week, and she receives him
in the light closet up one pair of stairs, where he enjoys her in a
taste I suppose peculiar to the heat, or perhaps the caprices of
his own country. I say no more; but tomorrow being his day,
you shall see what passes between them, from a place only
known to your mistress, and myself.
\SFanny 1.28 :
\N30 You may be sure, in the ply I was now taking, I had no
objection to the proposal, and was rather a tiptoe for its
accomplishment.
\SFanny 1.28 :
\N33 At five in the evening then, next day, {Ph#oebe}, punctual to her
promise, came to me as I sat alone in my own room, and
beckon'd me to follow her.
\SFanny 1.28 :
\N36 We went down the back-stairs very softly, and opening the
door of a dark closet, where there was some old furniture kept,
and some cases of liquors, she drew me in after her, and
fastening the door upon us, we had no light but what came
through a long crevice in the partition between ours, and the
light closet, where the scene of the action lay: so that sitting on
those low cases, we could, with the greatest ease, as well as
\PFanny 1.29 :
\N1 clearness, see all objects, (ourselves unseen) only by applying
our eyes close to the crevice, where the moulding of a pannel
had warp'd, or started a little on the other side.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N4 The young gentleman was the first person I saw, with his
back directly towards me, looking at a print. {Polly} was not yet
come. In less than a minute tho', the door opened, and she came
in, and at the noise the door made, he turned about, and came to
meet her, with an air of the greatest tenderness and satisfaction.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N9 After saluting her, he led her to a couch that fronted us, where
they both sat down, and the young {Genoese} help'd her to a glass
of wine, with some {Naples} bisket on a salver.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N12 Presently, when they had exchanged a few kisses, and questions
in broken {English} on one side, he began to unbutton, and,
in fine, stript into his shirt.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N15 As if this had been the signal agreed on for pulling off all their
cloaths, a scheme which the heat of the season perfectly
favoured, {Polly} began to draw her pins, and as she had no stays
to unlace, she was in a trice, with her gallant's officious
assistance, undress'd to all but her shift.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N20 When he saw this, his breeches were immediately loosen'd,
waist, and knee-bands, and slipt over his ancles, clean off: his
shirt collar was unbuttoned too: then first giving {Polly} an
encouraging kiss, he stole as it were the shift off the girl, who
being I suppose broke and familiariz'd to this humour, blush'd
indeed, but less than I did, at the apparition of her now standing
stark-naked, just as she came out of the hands of pure nature,
with her black hair loose, and a-float down her dazling white
neck and shoulders, whilst the deepen'd carnation of her cheeks
went off gradually into the hue of glaz'd snow; for such were
the blended tints, and polish of her skin.
\SFanny 1.29 :
\N31 This girl could not be above eighteen. Her face regular and
sweet-featur'd, her shape exquisite, nor could I help envying
her two ripe enchanting breasts, finely plump'd out in flesh,
but withal so round, so firm, that they sustain'd themselves, in
scorn of any stay: then their nipples pointing different ways
mark'd their pleasing separation: beneath them lay the delicious
tract of the belly, which terminated in a parting or rift
scarce discernable, that modestly seem'd to retire downwards,
and seek shelter between two plump fleshy thighs: the curling
hair that overspread its delightful front, cloathed it with the
richest sable fur in the universe: in short, she was evidently a
subject for the painters to court her sitting to them for a
\PFanny 1.30 :
\N1 pattern of female beauty, in all the true pride and pomp of
nakedness.
\SFanny 1.30 :
\N3 The young {Italian} (still in his shirt) stood gazing, and
transported at the sight of beauties that might have fir'd a dying
hermit; his eager eyes devour'd her, as she shifted attitudes at
his discretion: neither were his hands excluded their share of the
high feast; but wander'd, on the hunt of pleasure, over every
part, and inch of her body so qualified to afford the most
exquisite sense of it.
\SFanny 1.30 :
\N10 In the mean time, one could not help observing the swell of
his shirt before, that bolster'd out, and pointed out the condition
of things behind the curtain: but he soon remov'd it, by
slipping his shirt over his head; and now, as to nakedness, they
had nothing to reproach one another.
\SFanny 1.30 :
\N15 The young gentleman, by {Ph#oebe}'s guess, was about two and
twenty: tall and well limb'd. His body was finely form'd, and of
a most vigorous make, square shoulder'd, and broad-chested.
His face was not remarkable any way, but for a nose inclining to
the {Roman}, eyes large, black, and sparkling, and a ruddiness in his
cheeks that was the more a grace for his complexion being of the
brownest, not of that dusky dun colour which excludes the idea of
freshness, but of that clear, olive gloss, which glowing with life,
dazzles perhaps less than fairness, and yet pleases more, when it
pleases at all. His hair being too short to tie, fell no lower than his
neck, in short easy curls: and he had a few sprigs about his paps,
that garnish'd his chest in a stile of strength and manliness. Then
his grand movement, which seem'd to rise out of a thicket of
curling hair that spread from the root, all round his thighs and
belly up to the navel, stood stiff, and upright, but of a size to
frighten me, by sympathy, for the small tender part, which was
the object of its fury, and which now lay expos'd to my fairest
view: for he had immediately, on striping off his shirt, gently
push'd her down on the couch, which stood conveniently to
break her willing fall. Her thighs were spread out to their utmost
extension, and discovered between them the mark of the sex, the
red-center'd cleft of flesh, whose lips vermillioning inwards,
exprest a small rubid line in sweet miniature, such as not {Guido}'s
touch or colouring could ever attain to the life, or delicacy of.
\SFanny 1.30 :
\N39 {Ph#oebe}, at this, gave me a gentle jog, to prepare me for a
whisper'd question, "[whether I thought my little maiden-toy
was much less?"] but my attention was too much engross'd, too
much enwrap'd with all I saw, to be able to give her any answer.
\PFanny 1.31 :
\SFanny 1.31 :
\N1 By this time, the young gentleman had changed her posture
from lying breadth to length-wise on the couch: but her thighs
were still spread, and the mark lay fair for him, who now
kneeling between them, display'd to us a side-view of that fierce
erect machine of his, which threaten'd no less than splitting the
tender victim, who lay smiling at the uplifted stroke, nor seem'd
to decline it. He look'd upon his weapon himself with some
pleasure, and guiding it with his hand to the inviting slit, drew
aside the lips, and lodg'd it (after some thrusts, which {Polly}
seem'd even to assist) about half way: but there it stuck, I
suppose, from its growing thickness: he draws it again, and just
wetting it with spittle, re-enters, and with ease sheath'd it now
up to the hilt, at which {Polly} gave a deep sigh, which was quite in
another tone than one of pain; he thrusts, she heaves, at first
gently, and in a regular cadence, but presently the transport
began to be too violent to observe any order or measure, their
motions were too rapid, their kisses too fierce, and fervent, for
nature to support such fury long: both seem'd to me out of
themselves, their eyes darted fires; "[Oh! Oh!(--)I can't bear
it(--)It is too much.(--)I die.(--)I am going(--)"] were {Polly}'s
expressions of extasy: his joys were more silent; but soon
broken murmurs, sighs heart-fetch'd, and at length a dispatching
thrust, as if he would have forced himself up her body, and
then the motionless langour of all his limbs, all showed that the
die-away moment was come upon him, which she gave signs of
joining with, by the wild throwing of her hands about, closing
her eyes, and giving a deep sob, in which she seem'd to expire in
an agony of bliss.
\SFanny 1.31 :
\N29 When he had finish'd his stroke, and got from off her, she lay
still without the least motion, breathless, as it should seem, with
pleasure. He replaced her again breadthwise on the couch,
unable to sit up, with her thighs open, between which I could
observe a kind of white liquid, like froth, hanging about the
outward lips of the recent opened wound, which now glowed
with a deeper red. Presently she gets up, and throwing her arms
round him, seemed far from undelighted with the trial he had
put her to, to judge at least by the fondness with which she ey'd,
and hung upon him.
\SFanny 1.31 :
\N39 For my part, I will not pretend to describe what I felt all over
me, during this scene; but from that instant, adieu all fears of
what man could do unto me; they were now changed into such
ardent desires, such ungovernable longings, that I could have
\PFanny 1.32 :
\N1 pull'd the first of that sex that should present himself, by the
sleeve, and offered him the bauble, which I now imagin'd the
loss of would be a gain I could not too soon procure myself.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N4 {Ph#oebe}, who had more experience, and to whom such sights
were not so new, could not however be unmov'd at so warm a
scene; and drawing me away softly from the peep-hole, for fear
of being over-heard, guided me as near the door as possible; all
passive, and obedient to her least signals.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N9 Here was no room either to sit, or lie, but making me stand
with my back towards the door, she lifted up my petticoats, and
with her busy fingers fell to visit, and explore that part of me,
where now the heat, and irritations were so violent, that I was
perfectly sick and ready to die with desire: that the bare touch of
her finger in that critical place, had the effect of fire to a train,
and her hand instantly made her sensible to what a pitch I was
wound up, and melted by the sight she had thus procured me:
satisfied then with her success, in allaying a heat that would
have made me impatient of seeing the continuation of transactions
between our amorous couple, she brought me again to
the crevice, so favourable to our curiosity.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N21 We had certainly been but a few instants away from it, and
yet on our return we saw every thing in good forwardness for
recommencing the tender hostilities.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N24 The young foreigner was sitting down, fronting us, on the
couch; with {Polly} upon one knee, who had her arms round his
neck, whilst the extreme whiteness of her skin was not undelightfully
contrasted by the smooth glossy brown of her lover's.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N28 But who could count the fierce, unnumber'd kisses given and
taken? in which I could often discover their exchanging the
velvet thrust, when both their mouths were double-tongu'd,
and seem'd to favour the mutual insertion with the greatest gust
and delight.
\SFanny 1.32 :
\N33 In the mean time, his red-headed champion that had so lately
fled the pit, quell'd, and abash'd, was now recover'd to the top
of its condition, perk'd and crested up between {Polly}'s thighs,
who was not wanting on her part to coax and keep it in good
humour, stroking it with her head down, and receiv'd even its
velvet tip between the lips of not its proper mouth, whether she
did this out of any particular pleasure, or whether it was to
render it more glib, and easy of entrance, I could not tell; but it
had such an effect, that the young gentleman seem'd by his eyes,
that sparkled with more excited lustre, and his inflamed countenance,
\PFanny 1.33 :
\N1 to receive encrease of pleasure. He got up, and taking
{Polly} in his arms embraced her, and said something too softly
for me to hear, leading her withal to the foot of the couch, and
taking delight to slap her thighs, and posteriours with that stiff
sinnew of his, which hit them, with a spring, that he gave it with
his hand, and made them resound again, but hurt her about as
much as he meant to hurt her, for she seem'd to have as frolick a
taste as himself.
\SFanny 1.33 :
\N9 But, guess my surprise, when I saw the lazy young rogue lie
down on his back, and gently pull down {Polly} upon him, who
giving way to his humour, straddled, and with her hands
conducted her blind favourite to the right place, and following
her impulse, ran directly upon the flaming point of this weapon
of pleasure, which she stak'd herself upon, up-pierc'd, and
infix'd to the extremest hair-breadth of it: thus she sat on him, a
few instants, enjoying, and relishing her situation, whilst he
toyed with her provoking breasts.(--)Sometimes she would
stoop to meet his kiss: but presently the sting of pleasure
spurr'd them up to fiercer action: then began the storm of
heaves, which, from the undermost combatant, were thrusts at
the same time: he crossing his hands over her, and drawing her
home to him with a sweet violence: the inverted strokes of anvil
over hammer soon brought on the critical period, in which all
the signs of a close conspiring extasy, informed us of the {point}
they were at.
\SFanny 1.33 :
\N26 For me, I could bear to see no more: I was so overcome, so
inflamed at this second part of the same play, that, mad with
intolerable desire, I hugg'd, I clasp'd {Ph#oebe}, as if she had had
wherewithal to relieve me: pleased however with, and pitying
the taking she could feel me in, she drew me towards the door
and opening it as softly as she could, we both got off undiscover'd,
and she reconducted me to my own room, where
unable to keep my legs, in the agitation, I was in, I instantly
threw myself down on the bed, where I lay transported, tho'
asham'd at what I felt.
\SFanny 1.33 :
\N36 {Ph#oebe} lay down by me, and asked me archly, if now that I
had seen the enemy, and fully considered him, I was still afraid
of him? or did I think I could venture to come to a close
engagement with him? to all which not a word on my side: I
sigh'd, and could scarce breath: She takes hold of my hand, and
having roll'd up her own petticoats, forced it half-strivingly
towards those parts, where now grown more knowing, I mist
\PFanny 1.34 :
\N1 the main object of my wishes; and finding not even the shadow
of what I wanted, where every thing was so flat! or so hollow!
In the vexation I was in at it, I should have withdrawn my hand,
but for fear of disobliging her. Abandoning it then entirely to
her management, she made use of it as she thought proper, to
procure herself rather the shadow than the substance of any
pleasure. For my part, I now pin'd for more solid food, and
promis'd tacitly to myself that I would not be put off much
longer with this foolery from woman to woman, if Mrs#. {Brown}
did not soon provide me with the essential specific: in short I
had all the air of not being able to wait the arrival of my lord
{B}#-#-#-#-, tho' he was now expected in a very few days: nor did I
wait for him, for love itself took charge of the disposal of me, in
spite of interest, or gross lust.
\SFanny 1.34 :
\N15 It was now two days after the closet-scene, that I got up about
six in the morning, and leaving my bed-fellow fast a-sleep, stole
down, with no other thought than of taking a little fresh air in a
small garden, which our back-parlour open'd into, and from
which my confinement debarr'd me at the times company came
to the house: but now sleep and silence reign'd all over it.
\SFanny 1.34 :
\N21 I open'd the parlour-door, and well surpriz'd was I, at seeing,
by the side of a fire half out, a young gentleman in the old lady's
elbow chair, with his legs laid upon another, fast a-sleep, and
left there, by his thoughtless companions, who had drank him
down, and then went off with every one his mistress, whilst he
stay'd behind by the curtesy of the old matron, who would not
disturb, or turn him out in that condition at one in the morning,
and beds, it is more than probable, there were none to spare: On
the table still remain'd the punch-bowl and glasses, strow'd
about in their usual disorder after a drunken revel.
\SFanny 1.34 :
\N31 But when I drew nearer to view the sleeping estray:
Heavens! what a sight! no! no term of years, no turns of fortune
could ever eraze the lightening-like impression his form made
on me...Yes! dearest object of my earlier passion, I command
for ever the remembrance of thy first appearance to my ravish'd
eyes,(--)it calls thee up, present; and I see thee now!
\SFanny 1.34 :
\N37 Figure to yourself, {Madam}, a fair stripling, between eighteen
and nineteen, with his head reclin'd on one of the sides of the
chair, his hair in disorder'd curls, irregularly shading a face, on
which all the roseate bloom of youth, and all the manly graces
conspired to fix my eyes and heart. Even the languor, and
paleness of his face, in which the momentary triumph of the lilly
\PFanny 1.35 :
\N1 over the rose, was owing to the excesses of the night, gave an
inexpressible sweetness to the finest features imaginable: his
eyes closed in sleep, displayed the meeting edges of their lids
beautifully bordered with long eye-lashes, over which no pencil
could have describ'd two more regular arches than those that
grac'd his fore-head, which was high, perfectly white and
smooth; then a pair of vermillion lips, pouting, and swelling to
the touch, as if a bee had freshly stung them, seem'd to challenge
me to get the gloves of this lovely sleeper, had not the modesty,
and respect, which in both sexes are inseparable from a true
passion, check'd my impulses.
\SFanny 1.35 :
\N12 But on seeing his shirt collar unbutton'd, and a bosom whiter
than a drift of snow, the pleasure of considering it could not
bribe me to lengthen it at the hazard of a health that began to be
my life's concern: Love that made me timid, taught me to be
tender too: with a trembling hand I took hold of one of his, and
waking him as gently as possible, he started, and looking at first
a little wildly, said, with a voice that sent its harmonious sound
to my heart: "[Pray, child, what a clock is it?"] I told him: and
added, that he might catch cold, if he slept longer with his breast
open in the cool of the morning air: On this he thanked me,
with a sweetness perfectly agreeing with that of his features and
eyes: the last now broad open, and eagerly surveying me,
carried the sprightly fires they sparkled with directly to my
heart.
\SFanny 1.35 :
\N26 It seems that having drunk too freely before he came upon the
rake with some of his young companions, he had put himself
out of a condition to go through all the weapons with them, and
crown the night with getting a mistress, so that seeing me in a
loose undress, he did not doubt but I was one of the misses of
the house, sent in to repair his loss of time; but though he seiz'd
that notion, and a very obvious one it was, without hesitation;
yet, whether my figure made a more than ordinary impression
on him, or whether it was his natural politeness, he addrest me
in a manner far from rude, though still on the foot of one of the
house-pliers, come to amuse him; and giving me the first kiss
that I ever relish'd from man in my life, ask'd me if I could
favour him with my company, assuring me that he would make
it worth my while: but had not even new-born love, that true
refiner of lust, oppos'd so sudden a surrender, the fear of being
surpriz'd by the house, was a sufficient bar to my compliance.
\SFanny 1.35 :
\N42 I told him then, in a tone set me by love itself, that for reasons
\PFanny 1.36 :
\N1 I had not time to explain to him, I could not stay with him, and
might not even ever see him again, with a sigh at these last words
which broke from the bottom of my heart. My conqueror, who,
as he afterwards told me, had been struck by my appearance,
and lik'd me as much as he could think of liking any one in my
suppos'd way of life, ask'd me briskly at once, if I would be kept
by him, and that he would take a lodging for me directly, and
relieve me from any engagements he presum'd I might be under
to the house. Rash, sudden, undigested, and even dangerous as
this offer might be from a perfect stranger, and that stranger a
giddy boy, the prodigious love I was struck with for him, had
put a charm into his voice there was no resisting, and blinded me
to every objection: I could, at that instant, have died for him;
think, if I could resist an invitation to live with him! thus my
heart beating strong to the proposal, dictated my answer, after
scarce a minute's pause, that I would accept of his offer, and
make my escape to him, in what way he pleased, and that I
would be entirely at his disposal, let it be good or bad. I have
often since wondered that so great an easiness did not disgust
him, or make me too cheap in his eyes; but my fate had so
appointed it, that, in his fears of the hazard of the town, he had
been some time looking out for a girl to take into keeping, and
my person happening to hit his fancy, it was by one of those
miracles reserv'd to love, that we struck the bargain in the
instant, which we sealed by an exchange of kisses, that the hopes
of a more uninterrupted enjoyment engaged him to content
himself with.
\SFanny 1.36 :
\N28 Never, however, did dear youth carry in his person more
wherewith to justify the turning of a girl's head, and making her
set all consequences at defiance, for the sake of following a
gallant.
\SFanny 1.36 :
\N32 For besides all the perfections of manly beauty which were
assembled in his form, he had an air of neatness and gentility,
a certain smartness in the carriage and port of his head, that
yet more distinguish'd him: his eyes were sprightly, and full
of meaning; his looks had in them something at once sweet
and commanding. His complexion out-bloom'd the lovely-colour'd
rose, whilst its inimitable tender vivid glow, clearly
sav'd it from the reproach of wanting life, of raw and dough-like,
which is commonly made to those so extremely fair as he
was.
\SFanny 1.36 :
\N42 Our little plan was, that I should get out about seven the next
\PFanny 1.37 :
\N1 morning, (which I could {readily} promise, as I knew where to
get the key of the street-door) and he would wait at the end of
the street with a coach, to convey me safe off; after which he
would send and clear any debt incurr'd by my stay at Mrs#.
{Brown}'s, who he only judg'd, in gross, might not care to part
with one, he thought, so fit to draw custom to the house.
\SFanny 1.37 :
\N7 I then just hinted to him not to mention in the house his
having seen such a person as me, for reasons I would explain to
him more at leisure: and then, for fear of miscarrying by being
seen together, I tore myself from him with a bleeding heart, and
stole up softly to my room, where I found {Ph#oebe} still fast
asleep, and hurrying off my few cloaths, lay down by her, with a
mixture of joy and anxiety, that may be easier conceived than
express'd.
\SFanny 1.37 :
\N15 The risks of Mrs#. {Brown}'s discovering my purpose, of
disappointments, misery, ruin, all vanish'd before this new-kindl'd
flame. The seeing, the touching, the being, if but for a
night, with this idol of my fond virgin-heart, appeared to me a
happiness above the purchase of my liberty or life. He might use
me ill! let him! he was the master! happy, too happy even to
receive death at so dear a hand.
\SFanny 1.37 :
\N22 To this purpose were the reflexions of the whole day, of
which every minute seem'd to me a little eternity. How often
did I visit the clock? nay, was tempted to advance the tedious
hand, as if that would have advanc'd the time with it! Had those
of the house made the least observations on me, they must have
remark'd something extraordinary from the discomposure I
could not help betraying: especially when at dinner mention
was made of the charmingest youth having been there, and
stay'd breakfast! Oh, he was such a beauty! I should have died
for him! they would pull caps for him! and the like fooleries,
which however, was throwing oil on a fire I was sorely put to it
to smother the blaze of.
\SFanny 1.37 :
\N34 The fluctuations of my mind, the whole day, produc'd
however one good effect; which was, that through mere fatigue
I slept tolerably well till five in the morning, when I got up, and
having dress'd myself, waited, under the double tortures of fear
and impatience, for the appointed hour: It came at last, the dear,
critical, dangerous hour came; and now supported only by the
courage love lent me, I ventur'd a tip-toe down stairs, leaving
my box behind, for fear of being surpriz'd with it in going out.
\SFanny 1.37 :
\N42 I got to the street-door, the key whereof was always laid on
\PFanny 1.38 :
\N1 the chair by our bed-side, in trust with {Ph#oebe}, who having not
the least suspicion of my entertaining any design to go from
them, (nor indeed had I but the day before) made no reserve, or
concealment of it from me. I open'd the door then with great
ease; love that embolden'd, protected me too: and now, got safe
into the street, I saw my new guardian-angel waiting at a coach-door
ready open: How I got to him I know not: I suppose I
flew; but I was in the coach in a trice, and he by the side of me,
with his arms clasp'd round me, and giving me the kiss of
welcome.(--)The coachman had his orders, and drove to them.
\SFanny 1.38 :
\N11 My eyes were instantly fill'd with tears, but tears of the most
delicious delight. To find myself in the arms of that beauteous
youth, was a rapture that my little heart swam in. Past or future
were equally out of the question with me. The present was as
much as all my powers of life were sufficient to bear the
transport of without fainting: Nor were the most tender embraces,
the most soothing expressions wanting on his side, to
assure me of his love, and of never giving me cause to repent the
bold step I had taken, in throwing myself thus entirely upon his
honour and generosity: but, alas! this was no merit in me, for I
was drove to it by a passion too impetuous for me to resist, and I
did what I did, because I could not help it.
\SFanny 1.38 :
\N23 In an instant, for time was now annihilated with me, we were
landed at a publick house in {Chelsea}, hospitably commodious
for the reception of duet-parties of pleasure, where a breakfast
of chocolate was prepared for us.
\SFanny 1.38 :
\N27 An old jolly stager who kept it, and understood life perfectly
well, breakfasted with us, and leering archly at me, gave
us both joy, and said, we were well paired, e'faith! that a great
many gentlemen and ladies used his house, but had never
seen a handsomer couple;(--)He was sure I was a fresh piece(--)I
look'd so country, so innocent! well, my spouse was a lucky
man!(--)all which common landlord's cant, not only pleas'd and
sooth'd me, but help'd to divert my confusion at being with my
new sovereign, whom, now the minute approach'd, I began to
fear to be alone with, a timidity which true love had a greater
share in, than even maiden bashfulness.
\SFanny 1.38 :
\N38 I wish'd, I doated, I could have died for him, and yet I know
not how, or why, I dreaded the point which had been the object
of my fiercest wishes; my pulses beat fears, amidst a flush of the
warmest desires: this struggle of the passions, however, this
conflict betwixt modesty and love-sick longings, made me burst
\PFanny 1.39 :
\N1 again into tears, which he took as he had done before, only for
the remains of concern and emotion at the suddenness of my
change of condition, in committing myself to his care, and in
consequence of that idea, did, and said, all that he thought
would most comfort and re-inspirit me.
\SFanny 1.39 :
\N6 After breakfast, {Charles}, the dear familiar name I must take
the liberty henceforward to distinguish my {Adonis} by, with a
smile full of meaning, took me gently by the hand, and said,
"[Come, my dear, and I will show you a room that commands a
fine prospect over some gardens:"] and without waiting for an
answer, in which he relieved me extremely, he led me up into a
chamber airy and lightsome, where all seeing of prospects was
out of the question, except that of a bed, which had all the air of
having recommended the room to him.
\SFanny 1.39 :
\N15 {Charles} had just slipp'd the bolt of the door, and running,
caught me in his arms, and lifting me from the ground, with his
lips glew'd to mine, bore me trembling, panting, dying with soft
fears, and tender wishes, to the bed; where his impatience
would not suffer him to undress me more than just unpinning
my handkerchief, and gown, and unlacing my stays.
\SFanny 1.39 :
\N21 My bosom was now bare, and rising in the warmest throbs,
presented to his sight and feeling the firm hard-swell of a pair of
young breasts, such as may be imagin'd of a girl not sixteen,
fresh out of the country, and never before handled; but even
their pride, whiteness, fashion, pleasing resistance to the touch,
could not bribe his restless hands from roving, but giving them
the loose, my petty-coats and shift were soon taken up, and
their stronger center of attraction laid open to their tender
invasion: my fears however made me mechanically close my
thighs; but the very touch of his hand insinuated between them,
disclosed them, and open'd a way for the main-attack.
\SFanny 1.39 :
\N32 In the mean time I lay fairly exposed to the examination of his
eyes, and hands, quiet and unresisting, which confirm'd him in
the opinion he proceeded so cavalierly upon, that I was no
novice in these matters, since he had taken me out of a common
bawdy-house: nor had I said one thing to prepossess him of my
virginity; and if I had, he would sooner have believ'd that I took
him for a cully that would swallow such an improbability, than
that I was still mistress of that darling treasure, that hidden
mine, so eagerly sought after by the men, and which they never
dig for but they destroy.
\SFanny 1.39 :
\N42 Being now too high wound up to bear a delay, he unbutton'd,
\PFanny 1.40 :
\N1 and drawing out the engine of love-assaults, drove it currently,
as at a ready-made breach: then! then! for the first time did I feel
that stiff horn-hard gristle, battering against the tender part; but
imagine to yourself his surprize, when he found, after several
vigorous pushes, which hurt me extremely, that he made not the
least impression.
\SFanny 1.40 :
\N7 I complain'd, but tenderly complain'd; "[I could not bear it
(--)"] Indeed! he hurt me(--)still he thought no more than that
being so young, the largeness of his machine (for few men could
dispute size with him) made all the difficulty, and that possibly I
had not been enjoy'd by any so advantageously made in that
part as himself; for still, that my virgin-flower was yet uncrop'd
never once enter'd into his head, and he would have thought it
idling with time and words to have question'd me upon it.
\SFanny 1.40 :
\N15 He tries again; still no admittance; still no penetration; but he
had hurt me yet more, whilst my extreme love made me bear
extreme pain almost without a groan: at length, after repeated
fruitless trials, he lay down panting by me, kiss'd my falling
tears, and ask'd me tenderly, what was the meaning of so much
complaining, and if I had not born it better from others than I
did from him? I answer'd with a simplicity fram'd to perswade,
that he was the first man that ever serv'd me so: truth is
powerful, and it is not always that we do not believe what we
eagerly wish.
\SFanny 1.40 :
\N25 {Charles} already dispos'd by the evidence of his senses to
think my pretences to virginity not entirely apocryphal,
smothers me with kisses, begs me, in the name of love, to have a
little patience, and that he will be as tender of hurting me, as he
would be of himself.
\SFanny 1.40 :
\N30 Alas! it was enough I knew his pleasure, to submit joyfully to
him, whatever pain I forsaw it would cost me.
\SFanny 1.40 :
\N32 He now resumes his attempts in more form: first he put one
of the pillows under me, to give the blank of his aim a more
favourable elevation, and another under my head, in ease of it:
then spreading my thighs, and placing himself standing between
them, made them rest upon his hips: applying then the point of
his machine to the slit, into which he sought entrance; it was so
small, he could scarce assure himself of its being rightly pointed.
He looks, he feels, and satisfies himself; then driving forward
with fury, its prodigious stiffness thus impacted, wedge-like,
breaks the union of those parts, and gain'd him just the insertion
of the tip of it, lip-deep; which being sensible of, he improves
\PFanny 1.41 :
\N1 his advantage, and following well his stroke, in a strait line,
forcibly deepens his penetration; but put me to such intolerable
pain, from the separation of the sides of that soft passage by a
hard thick body, I could have skream'd out; but unwilling as I
was to alarm the house, I held in my breath, and cram'd my
petticoat (which was turn'd up over my face) into my mouth,
and bit it through in the agony. At length, the tender texture of
that tract giving way to such fierce tearing and rending, he
pierc'd something further into me: and now, outrageous, and
no longer his own master, but born head-long away by the fury
and over-mettle of that member, now exerting itself with a kind
of native rage, he breaks in, carries all before him, and one
violent merciless lunge, sent it, imbrew'd, and reeking with
virgin blood, up to the very hilts in me: then! then! all my
resolution deserted me: I skream'd out, and fainted away with
the sharpness of the pain; and (as he told me afterwards) on his
drawing out, when emission was over with him, my thighs were
instantly all in a stream of blood, that flow'd from the wounded
torn passage.
\SFanny 1.41 :
\N20 When I recover'd my senses, I found myself undress'd, and a-bed,
in the arms of the sweet relenting murderer of my virginity,
who hung mourning tenderly over me, and holding in his hands
a cordial, which coming from the still-dear author of so much
pain! I could not refuse: my eyes, however moisten'd with
tears, and languishingly turn'd upon him, seem'd to reproach
him with his cruelty, and ask him if such were the rewards of
love? but {Charles}, to whom I was now infinitely endear'd by his
compleat triumph over a maidenhead, where he so little expected
to find one, in tenderness to that pain which he had put me
to, in procuring himself the height of pleasure, smother'd his
exultation, and employ'd himself with so much sweetness, so
much warmth, to sooth, to caress, and comfort me in my soft
complainings, that breath'd indeed more love than resentment,
that I presently drown'd all sense of pain in the pleasure of
seeing him, of thinking that I belong'd to him, he who now was
the absolute disposer of my happiness, and in one word, my
fate.
\SFanny 1.41 :
\N38 The sore was however too tender, the wound too bleeding
fresh, for {Charles}'s good-nature to put my patience presently to
another tryal; but as I could not stir or walk a-cross the room,
he order'd the dinner to be brought to the bed-side, where it
could not be otherwise than my getting down the wing of a
\PFanny 1.42 :
\N1 fowl, and two or three glasses of wine, since it was my ador'd
youth who both serv'd, and urged them on me, with that sweet
irresistible authority with which love had invested him over me.
\SFanny 1.42 :
\N4 After dinner, and every thing but the wine was taken away,
{Charles} very impudently asks a leave, he might read the grant of
in my eyes, to come to-bed to me, and accordingly falls to
undressing; which I could not see the progress of, without
strange emotions of fear and pleasure.
\SFanny 1.42 :
\N9 He is now in bed with me the first time, and in broad day; but
when thrusting up his own shirt, and my shift, he laid his naked
glowing body close to mine:...Oh insupportable delight! oh
superhumane rapture! what pain could stand before a pleasure
so transporting? I felt no more the smart of my wounds below;
but curling round him like the tendril of a vine, as if I fear'd any
part of him should be untouch'd or unpress'd by me; I returned
his strenuous embraces and kisses with a fervour and gust only
known to true love, and which mere lust could never rise to.
\SFanny 1.42 :
\N18 Yes even at this time, that all the tiranny of the passions is
fully over, and that my veins roll no longer but a cold tranquil
stream, the remembrance of those passages that most affected
me in my youth, still chears, and refreshes me: Let me proceed
then(--)my beauteous youth was now glew'd to me in all the
folds and twists that we could make our bodies meet in: when
no longer able to rein in the fierceness of refresh'd desires, he
gives his steed the head, and gently insinuating his thighs
between mine, stopping my mouth with kisses of humid fire,
makes a fresh irruption, and renewing his thrusts, pierces, tears,
and forces his way up the torn tender folds of the sheath, that
yielded him admission with a smart little less severe than when
the breach was first made: I stifled however my cries, and bore
him with the passive fortitude of an heroine: soon his thrusts
more and more furious, cheeks flush'd with a deeper scarlet, his
eyes turn'd up in the fervent fit, and rolling nothing but their
whites, some dying sighs, and an agonizing shudder,
announced the approaches of that extatic pleasure, I was yet in
too much pain, to come in for my share of.
\SFanny 1.42 :
\N37 Nor was it till after a few enjoyments had numb'd and
blunted the sense of the smart, and giving me to feel the
titillating inspersion of balsamic sweets, drew from me the
delicious return, and brought down all my passion, that I
arriv'd at excess of pleasure, through excess of pain; but when
successive engagements had broke and inur'd me, I began to
\PFanny 1.43 :
\N1 enter into the true unallay'd relish of that pleasure of pleasures,
when the warm gush darts through all the ravish'd inwards;
what floods of bliss! what melting transports! what agonies of
delight! too fierce, too mighty for nature to sustain: well has she
therefore, no doubt, provided the relief of a delicious momentary
dissolution, the approaches of which are intimated by a
dear delirium, a sweet thrill, on the point of emitting those
liquid sweets in which enjoyment itself is drown'd, when one
gives the languishing stretch-out, and dies at the discharge.
\SFanny 1.43 :
\N10 How often, when the rage and tumult of my senses has
subsided after the melting flow, have I, in a tender meditation,
ask'd myself coolly the question, if it was in nature for any of its
creatures to be so happy as I was? or, what were all the fears of
my future fate, put in the scale of one night's enjoyment of any
thing so transcendently the taste of my eyes, and heart, as that
delicious, fond, matchless youth?
\SFanny 1.43 :
\N17 Thus we spent the whole afternoon, till supper-time, in a
continued circle of love-delights, kissing, turtle-billing, toying,
and all the rest of the feast. At length supper was served in,
before which {Charles} had, for I do not know what reason, slipt
his cloaths on, and sitting down by the bed-side, we made table
and table-cloath of the bed and sheets, whilst he suffer'd
nobody to attend or serve but himself. He eat with a very good
appetite, and seem'd charm'd to see me eat. For my part, I was
so inchanted with my fortune, so transported with the comparison
of the delights I now swam in, with all the insipidity of
my past scenes of life, that I thought them sufficiently cheap at
even the price of my ruin, or the risque of their not lasting. The
present possession was all my little head could find room for.
\SFanny 1.43 :
\N30 We lay together that night, when after playing repeated
prizes of pleasure, nature overspent, and satisfy'd, gave us up
to the arms of sleep: those of my dear youth encircl'd me, the
consciousness of which made even that sleep more delicious.
\SFanny 1.43 :
\N34 Late in the morning I wak'd first; and observing my lover
slept profoundly, softly disengag'd myself from his arms,
scarcely daring to breath, for fear of shortening his repose: my
cap, my hair, my shift were all in disorder, from the rufflings I
had undergone; and I took this opportunity to adjust, and set
them as well I could: whilst every now and then, looking at the
sleeping youth with inconceiveable fondness and delight; and
reflecting on all the pain he had put me to, tacitly own'd that the
pleasure had over-paid me for my sufferings.
\PFanny 1.44 :
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N1 It was then broad day. I was sitting up in the bed, the cloaths
of which were all tost, or roll'd off, by the unquietness of our
motions, from the sultry heat of the weather; nor could I refuse
myself a pleasure that sollicited me so irresistibly, as this fair
occasion of feasting my sight with all those treasures of youthful
beauty I had enjoy'd, and which lay now almost entirely
naked, his shirt being trust up in a perfect wisp, which the
warmth of the room and season made me easy about the
consequence of. I hung over him enamour'd indeed! and
devour'd all his naked charms with only two eyes, when I could
have wish'd them at least a hundred, for the fuller enjoyment of
the gaze.
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N13 Oh! could I paint his figure as I see it now still present to my
transported imagination! a whole length of an all-perfect manly
beauty in full view. Think of a face without a fault, glowing with
all the opening bloom, and vernal freshness of an age, in which
beauty is of either sex, and which the first down over his upper-lip
scarce began to distinguish.
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N19 The parting of the double ruby-pout of his lips, seem'd to
exhale an air sweeter and purer than what it drew in: Ah! what
violence did it not cost me to refrain the so tempted kiss?
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N22 Then a neck exquisitely turn'd, grac'd behind and on the sides
with his hair playing freely in natural ringlets, connected his
head to a body of the most perfect form, and of the most
vigorous contexture, in which all the strength of manhood was
conceal'd and soften'd to appearance, by the delicacy of his
complexion, the smoothness of his skin, and the plumpness of
his flesh.
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N29 The plat-form of his snow-white bosom, that was laid out in a
manly proportion, presented on the vermillion summet of each
pap, the idea of a rose about to blow.
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N32 Nor did his shirt hinder from observing that simmetry of his
limbs, that exactness of shape, in the fall of it towards the loins,
where the waist ends, and the rounding swell of the hips
commences, where the skin, sleek, smooth, and dazzling white,
burnishes on the stretch over firm, plump-ripe flesh, that
crimpled and run into dimples at the least pressure, or that the
touch could not rest upon, but slid over as on the surface of the
most polish'd ivory.
\SFanny 1.44 :
\N40 His thighs finely fashion'd, and with a florid glossy roundness
gradually tapering away to the knee, seem'd pillars worthy
to support that beauteous frame, at the bottom of which I could
\PFanny 1.45 :
\N1 not without some remains of terrour, some tender emotions
too, fix my eyes on that terrible spit-fire machine, which had
not so long before, with such fury broke into, torn, and almost
ruin'd those soft tender parts of mine, which had not yet done
smarting with the effects of its rage; but behold it now! crest-fall'n,
reclining its half-capt vermillion head over one of his
thighs, quiet, pliant, and to all appearance incapable of the
mischiefs and cruelty it had committed. Then the beautiful
growth of the hair, in short and soft curls round its root, its
whiteness, branch'd veins, the supple softness of the shaft, as it
lay foreshorten'd, roll'd and shrunk up into a squob thickness,
languid, and born up from between the thighs, by its globular
appendage, that wondrous treasure-bag of nature's sweets,
which rivell'd round, and purs'd up in the only wrinkles that
are known to please, perfected the prospect; and all together
form'd the most interesting moving picture in nature, and
surely infinitely superior to those nudities furnish'd by the
painters, statuaries, or any art, which are purchas'd at immense
prices, whilst the sight of them in actual life is scarce sovereignly
tasted by any but the few whom nature has endowed with a fire
of imagination, warmly pointed by a truth of judgment to the
spring-head, the originals of beauty of nature's unequall'd
composition, above all the imitations of art, or the reach of
wealth to pay their price.
\SFanny 1.45 :
\N25 But every thing must have an end. A motion made by this
angelic youth, in the listlessness of going-off sleep, replac'd his
shirt and cloaths in a posture that shut up that treasury from
longer view.
\SFanny 1.45 :
\N29 I lay down then, and carrying my hands to that part of me, in
which the objects just seen had begun to raise a mutiny, that
prevail'd over the smart of them, my fingers now open'd
themselves an easy passage; but long I had not the time to
consider the wide difference {there}, between the maid, and the
now finish'd woman, before {Charles} wak'd, and turning
towards me, kindly enquir'd how I had rested? and scarce
giving me time to answer, imprinted on my lips one of his
burning rapture-kisses, which darted a flame to my heart, that
from thence radiated to every part of me: and presently, as if he
had proudly meant revenge for the survey I had smuggled of all
his naked beauties, he spurns off the bed-cloaths, and trussing
up my shift as high as it would go, took his turn to feast his eyes
with all the gifts nature had bestow'd on my person; his busy
\PFanny 1.46 :
\N1 hands too rang'd intemperantly over every part of me. The
delicious austerity, and hardness of my yet unripe budding
breasts, the whiteness and firmness of my flesh, the freshness
and regularity of my features, the harmony of my limbs, all
seem'd to confirm him in his satisfaction with his bargain: but,
when curious to explore the havoc he had made in the tender
center of his over-fierce attack, he not only directed his hands
there, but with a pillow put under, placed me favourably for his
wanton purpose of inspection; then, who can express the fire
his eyes glisten'd, his hands glow'd with? whilst sighs of
pleasure, and tender broken exclamations were all the praises he
could utter. By this time, his machine stiffly risen at me, lifted
and bore the flap of his shirt out, which presently fiercely
removing, gave me to see it in its highest state and bravery: He
feels it himself, seems pleas'd at its condition, and, smiling loves
and graces, seizes one of my hands, and carries it, with a gentle
compulsion, to this pride of nature, and its richest master-piece.
\SFanny 1.46 :
\N18 I struggling faintly, could not help feeling what I could not
grasp, a column of the whitest ivory, beautifully streak'd with
blue veins, and carrying, fully uncapt, a head of the liveliest
vermillion: no horn could be harder, or stiffer; yet no velvet
more smooth or delicious to the touch; presently he guided my
hand lower, to that part, in which nature and pleasure keep their
stores in concert, so aptly fasten'd and hung on to the root of
their first instrument and minister, that not improperly he
might be stil'd their purse-bearer too: there he made me feel,
distinctly, through their soft cover, the contents, a pair of
roundish balls, that seem'd to play within, and elude all pressure,
but the tenderest, from without.
\SFanny 1.46 :
\N30 But now this visit of my soft warm hand, in those so sensible
parts, had put every thing into such ungovernable fury, that
disdaining all further preluding, and taking the advantage of my
commodious posture, he made the storm fall where I scarce
patiently expected, and where he was sure to lay it: presently
then I felt the stiff intersertion between the yielding divided lips
of the wound now open for life; where the narrowness no
longer put me to intollerable pain, and afforded my lover no
more difficulty than what heighten'd his pleasure, in the strict
embrace of that tender warm sheath, round the instrument it
was so deliciously adjusted to, and which, now cased home, so
gorged me with pleasure, that it perfectly suffocated me, and
took away my breath: then the killing thrusts! the unnumber'd
\PFanny 1.47 :
\N1 kisses! every one of which was a joy inexpressible! and that joy
lost in a crowd of yet greater blisses; but this was a disorder too
violent in nature to last long: the vessels so stir'd, and intensely
heated, soon boil'd over, and for that time put out the fire: mean
while all this dalliance and disport had so far consum'd the
morning, and it became a kind of necessity to lay breakfast and
dinner into one.
\SFanny 1.47 :
\N8 In our calmer intervals {Charles} gave the following account of
himself, every tittle of which was true. He was the only son of a
father, who having a small post in the revenue, rather over-liv'd
his income, and had given this young gentleman a very slender
education: no profession had he bred him up to, but design'd
to provide for him in the army, by purchasing him an ensign's
commission; that is to say, provided he could raise the money,
or procure it by interest, either of which clauses was rather to be
wish'd than hop'd for by him: on no better a plan, however,
than this, had this improvident father suffer'd this youth, and a
youth of great promise, to run up to the age of manhood, or
near it at least, in next to idleness, and had besides taken no sort
of pains to give him even the common premonitions against the
vices of the town, and the dangers of all sorts which wait the
unexperienc'd, and unwary, in it. He liv'd at home, and at
discretion, with his father, who himself kept a mistress, and for
the rest, provided {Charles} did not ask him for money, he was
indolently kind to him: he might lie out when he pleas'd: any
excuse would serve, and even his reprimands were so slight, that
they carried with them rather an air of connivance at the fault,
than any serious controul or constraint. But, to supply his calls
for money, {Charles}, whose mother was dead, had, by her side, a
grand mother who doated upon, and did not a little help spoil
him. She had a considerable annuity to live upon, and very
regularly parted every shilling she could spare, to this
darling of her's, to the no little heart-burn of his father, who was
vex'd, not that she by this means fed his son's extravagance; but
that she preferred {Charles} to himself; and we shall too soon see
what a fatal turn such a mercenary jealousy could operate on the
breast of a father.
\SFanny 1.47 :
\N38 {Charles} was however, by the means of his grand-mother's
lavish fondness, very sufficiently enabl'd to keep a mistress so
easily contented as my love made me; and my good fortune, for
such I must ever call it, threw me in his way, in the manner
above related, just as he was on the look-out for one.
\PFanny 1.48 :
\SFanny 1.48 :
\N1 As to his temper, the even sweetness of it made him seem
born for domestic happiness: tender, naturally polite, and
gentle-manner'd; it could never be his fault, if ever jars, or
animosities ruffled a calm he was so qualify'd every way to
maintain or restore. Without those great or shining qualities
that constitute a genius, or are fit to make a noise in the world,
he had all those humble ones that compose the softer social
merit: plain common sense, set off with every grace of modesty
and good-nature, made him, if not admir'd, what is much
happier, universally belov'd and esteem'd. But, as nothing, but
the beauties of his person had at first attracted my regard, and
fix'd my passion, neither was I then a judge of that internal
merit, which I had afterward full occasion to discover, and
which perhaps, in that season of giddiness and levity, would
have touch'd my heart very little, had it been lodg'd in a person
less the delight of my eyes, and idol of my senses. But to return
to our situation.(--)
\SFanny 1.48 :
\N18 After dinner, which we eat a-bed in a most voluptuous
disorder, {Charles} got up, and taking a passionate leave of me for
a few hours, he went to town, where concerting matters with a
young sharp lawyer, they went together to my late venerable
mistress's, from whence I had but the day before made my
elopement, and with whom he was determin'd to settle
accounts in a manner that should cut off all after-reckonings
from that quarter.
\SFanny 1.48 :
\N26 Accordingly, they went; but by the way, the Templar, his
friend, on thinking over {Charles}'s information, saw reason to
give their visit another turn, and instead of offering satisfaction,
to demand it.
\SFanny 1.48 :
\N30 On being let in, the girls of the house flock'd round {Charles},
whom they knew, and from the earliness of my escape, and their
perfect ignorance of his ever having so much as seen me, not
having the least suspicion of his being an accessary to my flight,
they were, in their way, {making up} to him; and as to his
companion, they took him probably for a fresh cully: but the
Templar soon check'd their forwardness by enquiring for the
old lady, with whom he said, with a grave judge-like countenance,
that he had some business to settle.
\SFanny 1.48 :
\N39 Madam was immediately sent for down, and the ladies being
desir'd to clear the room, the lawyer ask'd her severely if she did
not know, or had not decoy'd, under pretence of hiring as a
servant, a young girl, just come out of the country, called
\PFanny 1.49 :
\N1 {Frances} or {Fanny Hill}, describing me withall as particularly as
he could from {Charles}'s description.
\SFanny 1.49 :
\N3 It is peculiar to vice to tremble at the enquiries of justice: and
Mrs#. {Brown}, whose conscience was not entirely clear upon my
account, as knowing as she was of the town, as hackney'd as she
was in buffing through all the dangers of her vocation, could
not help being alarm'd at the question, especially when he went
on to talk of a Justice of Peace, {Newgate}, the {Old Baily},
Indictments for keeping a disorderly house, Pillory, Carting,
and the whole process of that nature: She who, it is likely,
imagin'd I had lodg'd an information against her house, look'd
extremely blank, and began to make a thousand protestations,
and excuses. However, to abridge, they brought away triumphantly
my box of things, which had she not been under an awe,
she might have disputed with them; and not only that, but a
clearance and discharge of any demands on the house, at the
expence of no more than a bowl of arrack-punch, the treat of
which, together with the choice of the house-conveniencies,
was offer'd, and not accepted. {Charles} all the time acted the
chance-companion of the lawyer who had brought him there, as
he knew the house, and appear'd in no wise interested in the
issue, but he had the collateral pleasure of hearing all I had told
him verified, so far as the bawd's fears would give her leave to
enter into my history, which, if one may guess by the composition
she so readily came into, were not small.
\SFanny 1.49 :
\N26 {Ph#oebe}, my kind tutress {Ph#oebe}, was at that time gone out,
perhaps in search of me, or their cook'd up story had not, it is
probable, pass'd so smoothly.
\SFanny 1.49 :
\N29 This negociation had however taken up some time, which
would have appear'd much longer to me, left as I was in a
strange house, if the landlady, a motherly sort of woman, to
whom {Charles} had liberally recommended me, had not come
up and born me company: We drank tea, and her chat help'd to
pass away the time very agreeably, since he was our theme; but
as the evening deepened, and the hour set for his return was
elaps'd, I could not dispel the gloom of impatience, and tender
fears which gather'd upon me, and which our timid sex are apt
to feel in proportion to their love.
\SFanny 1.49 :
\N39 Long however I did not suffer, the sight of him over-paid me;
and the soft reproach I had prepar'd for him, expir'd before it
reach'd my lips.
\SFanny 1.49 :
\N42 I was still a-bed, yet unable to use my legs otherwise than
\PFanny 1.50 :
\N1 aukwardly, and {Charles} flew to me, catches me in his arms,
raised, and extending mine to meet his dear embrace, and gives
me an account, interrupted by many a sweet parenthesis of
kisses, of the success of his measures.
\SFanny 1.50 :
\N5 I could not help laughing at the fright the old woman had
been put into, which my ignorance, and indeed my want of
innocence, had far from prepar'd me for bespeaking: She had, it
seems, apprehended that I had fled for shelter to some relation I
had recollected in town, on my dislike of their ways and
proceeding towards me, and that this application came from
thence. For, as {Charles} had rightly judg'd, not one neighbour
had, at that still hour, seen the circumstance of my escape into
the coach, or at least notic'd him; neither had any in the house
the least hint or clue of suspicion of my having spoke to him,
much less of my having clapt up such a sudden bargain with a
perfect stranger: Thus the greatest improbability is not always
what we should most mistrust.
\SFanny 1.50 :
\N18 We supp'd with all the gayety of two young giddy
creatures at the top of their desires; and as I had most joyfully
given up to {Charles} the whole charge of my future happiness, I
thought of nothing beyond the exquisite pleasure of possessing
him.
\SFanny 1.50 :
\N23 He came to bed in due time, and this second night, the pain
being pretty well over, I tasted, in full draughts, all the transports
of perfect enjoyment. I swam, I bath'd in bliss, till both
fell fast asleep, through the natural consequences of satisfi'd
desires, and appeas'd flames; nor did we wake but to renew'd
raptures.
\SFanny 1.50 :
\N29 Thus making the most of love, and life, did we stay at this
lodging in {Chelsea} about ten days, in which time {Charles} took
care to give his excursions from home a colourable gloss, and to
keep his footing with his fond, indulgent grandmother, from
whom he drew constant and sufficient supplies for the charge I
was to him, and which was very trifling, in comparison with his
former less regular course of pleasures.
\SFanny 1.50 :
\N36 {Charles} remov'd me then to a private ready-furnish'd lodging
in {D#-#-#-#-street}, St#. {James}'s, where he paid half a guinea a week
for two rooms and a closet on the second floor, which he had
been some time looking out for, and was more convenient for
the frequency of his visits, than where he had at first plac'd me,
in a house which I cannot say but I left with regret, as it was
infinitely endear'd to me by the first possession of my {Charles},
\PFanny 1.51 :
\N1 and the circumstance of loosing there that jewel which can
never be twice lost. The landlord however had no reason to
complain of any thing, but of a procedure in {Charles} too liberal
not to make him regret his loss of us.
\SFanny 1.51 :
\N5 Arriv'd at our new lodgings, I remember I thought them
extremely fine, though ordinary enough even at that price; but
had it been a dungeon that {Charles} had brought me to, his
presence would have made it a little {Versailles}.
\SFanny 1.51 :
\N9 The landlady, Mrs#. {Jones}, waited on us to our apartment, and
with great volubility of tongue explain'd to us all its conveniences,
"[that her own maid should wait on us,(--)that the best
of quality had lodg'd at her house,(--)that her first floor was let
to a foreign secretary of an embassy, and his lady,(--)that I
look'd like a very good-natur'd lady(--)."] At the word lady, I
blush'd out of flatter'd vanity: this was too strong for a girl of
my condition; for though {Charles} had had the precaution of
dressing me in a less taudry flaunting stile than were the cloaths
I escap'd to him in, and of passing me for his wife that he had
secretly married, and kept private, (the old story) on account of
his friends, I dare swear this appear'd extremely apocryphal to a
woman who knew the town so well as she did; but that was the
least of her concern; It was impossible to be less scruple-ridden
than she was: and the advantage of letting her rooms being her
sole object, the truth itself would have far from scandaliz'd her,
or broke her bargain.
\SFanny 1.51 :
\N26 A sketch of her picture and personal history will dispose you
to account for the part she is to act in my concerns.
\SFanny 1.51 :
\N28 She was about forty six years old, tall, meager, red-hair'd,
with one of those trivial ordinary faces you meet with every
where, and go about unheeded and unmention'd. In her youth
she had been kept by a gentleman, who dying, left her forty
pounds a year during her life, in consideration of a daughter he
had by her; which daughter, at the age of seventeen, she sold,
for not a very considerable sum neither, to a gentleman, who
was going an {Envoy} abroad, and took his purchase with him,
where he us'd her with the utmost tenderness, and it is thought
was secretly married to her: but had constantly made a point of
her not keeping up the least correspondence with a mother base
enough to make a market of her own flesh and blood. However,
as she had no nature, nor indeed any passion but that of money,
this gave her no further uneasiness, than, as she thereby lost a
handle of squeezing presents, or other after-advantages out of
\PFanny 1.52 :
\N1 the bargain. Indifferent then by nature or constitution to every
other pleasure but that of encreasing the lump, by any means
whatever, she commenc'd a kind of private procuress, for which
she was not amiss fitted by her grave decent appearance, and
sometimes did a job in the match-making way; in short there was
nothing that appear'd to her under the shape of gain, that she
would not have undertaken. She knew most of the ways of the
town, having not only herself been upon, but kept up constant
intelligences in it, dealing, besides her practice in promoting a
harmony between the two sexes, in private pawn-broking, and
other profitable secrets. She rented the house she liv'd in, and
made the most of it by letting it out in lodgings; and though she
was worth, at least, near three or four thousand pounds, she
would not allow herself even the necessaries of life, and pinn'd her
subsistence entirely on what she could squeeze out of her lodgers.
\SFanny 1.52 :
\N16 When she saw such a young pair come under her roof, her
immediate notions doubtless were how she should make the
most money of us, by every means that money might be made,
and which she rightly judg'd our situation and inexperience
would soon beget her occasions of.
\SFanny 1.52 :
\N21 In this hopeful sanctuary, and under the clutches of this
harpy, did we pitch our residence. It will not be mighty material
to you, or very pleasant to me, to enter into a detail of all the
petty cut-throat ways and means with which she us'd to fleece
us; all which {Charles} indolently chose to bear with, rather than
take the trouble of removing, the difference of the expence
being scarce attended to by a young gentleman who had no
ideas of stint, or even #oeconomy, and a raw country girl who
knew nothing of the matter.
\SFanny 1.52 :
\N30 Here, however, under the wings of my sovereignly belov'd,
did I flow the most delicious hours of my life; my {Charles} I had,
and in him every thing my fond heart could wish or desire. He
carried me to Plays, Operas, Masquerades, and every diversion
of the Town, all which pleas'd me indeed, but pleas'd me
infinitely the more for his being with me, and explaining every
thing to me, and enjoying perhaps the natural impressions of
surprize and admiration, which such sights, at the first never fail
to excite in a {Country Girl} new to the delights of them: but to
me they sensibly prov'd the power and full dominion of the sole
passion of my heart over me, a passion in which soul and body
were concenter'd, and left me no room for any other relish of
life but love.
\PFanny 1.53 :
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N1 As to the men I saw at those places, or at any other, they
suffer'd so much in the comparison my eyes made of them with
my all-perfect {Adonis}, that I had not the infidelity even of one
wandering thought to reproach myself with upon his account.
He was the universe to me, and all that was not him, was
nothing to me.
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N7 My love, in fine, was so excessive, that it arriv'd at annihilating
every suggestion or kindling spark of jealousy, for
one idea only tending that way gave me such exquisite torment,
that my self-love, and dread of worse than death, made
me for ever renounce and defy it: nor had I indeed occasion,
for were I to enter here on a recital of several instances
wherein {Charles} sacrific'd to me women of greater importance
than I dare hint, (which considering his form was no
such wonder), I might indeed give you full proof of his
unshaken constancy to me, but would not you accuse me of
warming up again a feast, that my vanity ought long ago to
have been satisfy'd with?
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N19 In our cessations from active pleasure, {Charles} fram'd himself
one, in instructing me, as far as his own lights reach'd; in a
great many points of life, that I was, in consequence of my no-education,
perfectly ignorant of: nor did I suffer one word to
fall in vain from the mouth of my lovely teacher: I hung on
every syllable he utter'd, and receiv'd as oracles all he said:
whilst kisses were all the interruption I could not refuse myself
the pleasure of admitting, from lips that breath'd more than
{Arabian} sweetness.
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N28 I was in a little time enabl'd, by the progress I had made, to
prove the deep regard I had paid to all that he had said to me;
repeating it to him almost word for word; and to show that I
was not entirely the parrot, but that I reflected upon, that I
enter'd into it, I join'd my own comments and ask'd him
questions of explanation.
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N34 My country accent, and the rusticity of my gait, manners, and
deportment, began now sensibly to wear off, so quick was my
observation, and so efficacious my desire of growing every day
worthier of his heart.
\SFanny 1.53 :
\N38 As to money, though he brought me constantly all he
receiv'd, it was with difficulty he even got me to give it room in
my bureau, and what cloaths I had, he could prevail on me to
accept of, on no other foot, than that of pleasing him by the
greater neatness in my dress, beyond which I had no ambition; I
\PFanny 1.54 :
\N1 could have made a pleasure of the greatest toil, and work'd my
fingers to the bone, with joy, to have supported him: guess
then, if I could harbour any idea of being burdensome to him:
and this disinterested turn in me was so unaffected, so much the
dictate of my heart, that {Charles} could not but feel it, and if he
did not love me as much as I did him, (which was the constant
and only matter of sweet contention between us) he manag'd so
at least as to give me the satisfaction of believing it impossible
for man to be more tender, more true, more faithful than he
was.
\SFanny 1.54 :
\N11 Our landlady, Mrs#. {Jones}, came frequently up to my apartment
from whence I never stirr'd on any pretext without
{Charles}: nor was it long before she worm'd out, without much
art, the secret of our having cheated the church of a ceremony;
and in course of the terms we liv'd together upon: a circumstance
which far from displeas'd her, considering the designs
she had upon me, and which, alas! she will have too soon room
to carry into execution. But in the mean time her own
experience of life, let her see that any attempt however indirect,
or disguis'd, to divert or break, at least presently, so strong a
cement of hearts as ours was, could only end in losing two
lodgers, of whom she made very competent advantages, if either
of us came to smoak her commission, for a commission she
had from one of her customers, either to debauch or get me
away from my keeper at any rate.
\SFanny 1.54 :
\N26 But the barbarity of my fate, soon sav'd her the task of
disuniting us. I had now been eleven months with this life of my
life, which had past in one continu'd rapid stream of delight: but
nothing so violent was ever made to last. I was about three
months gone with child by him, a circumstance which would
have added to his tenderness, had he ever left me room to
believe it could receive an addition, when the mortal, the
unexpected blow of separation fell upon us. I shall gallop post
over the particulars, which I shudder yet to think of, and cannot
to this instant reconcile to myself how, or by what means I
could outlive it.
\SFanny 1.54 :
\N37 Two live-long days had I linger'd through, without hearing
from him, I who breath'd, who existed but in him, and had
never yet seen twenty-four hours pass without seeing or hearing
from him. The third day my impatience was so strong, my
alarms had been so severe, that I perfectly sicken'd with them,
and being unable to support the shock longer, I sunk upon the
\PFanny 1.55 :
\N1 bed, and ringing for Mrs#. {Jones}, who had far from comforted me
under my anxieties, she came up and I had scarce breath and
spirit enough to find words to beg of her if she would save my
life, to fall upon some means of finding out instantly what was
become of its only prop, and comfort: She pity'd me in a way
that rather sharpen'd my affliction than suspended it, and went
out upon this commission.
\SFanny 1.55 :
\N8 For she had not to go to {Charles}'s house, who liv'd but at an
easy distance, in one of the streets that run into {Covent}-Garden.
There she went into a public-house, and from thence
sent for a maid servant, whose name I had given her, as the
properest to inform her.
\SFanny 1.55 :
\N13 The maid readily came, and as readily, when Mrs#. {Jones}
enquir'd of her what was become of Mr#. {Charles}, or whether he
was gone out of town, acquainted her with the disposal of her
master's son, which the very day after was no secret to the
servants; such sure measures had he taken for the most cruel
punishment of his child, for having more interest with his
grand-mother than he had, though he made use of a pretence,
plausible enough to get rid of him in this secret and abrupt
manner, for fear her fondness should have interpos'd a bar to his
leaving {England}, and proceeding on a voyage he had concerted
for him, which pretext was, that it was indispensably necessary
to secure a considerable inheritance, that devolv'd to him by the
death of a rich merchant (his own brother) at one of the
factories in the South-Seas, of which he had lately receiv'd
advice, together with a copy of the Will.
\SFanny 1.55 :
\N28 In consequence of which resolution to send away his son,
he had, unknown to him, made the necessary preparations for
fitting him out, struck a bargain with the captain of a ship,
whose punctual execution of his orders he had secured by his
interest with his principal owner and patron, and in short
concerted his measures so secretly and effectually, that whilst
his son thought he was going down the river that would take
him a few hours, he was stopt on board of a ship, debar'd
from writing, and more strictly watch'd than a state-criminal.
\SFanny 1.55 :
\N38 Thus was the idol of my soul torn from me, and forc'd on a
long voyage without taking leave of one friend, or receiving one
line of comfort, except a dry explanation and instructions from
his father how to proceed, when he should arrive at his destin'd
port, enclosing withal some letters of recommendation to a
\PFanny 1.56 :
\N1 factor there: all these particulars I did not learn minutely till
some time after.
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N3 The maid at the same time added, that she was sure this usage of
her sweet young master, would be the death of his grand-mama,
as indeed it prov'd true, for the old lady on hearing it, did not
survive the news a whole month, and as her fortune consisted in
an annuity, out of which she had laid up no reserves, she left
nothing worth mentioning to her so fatally envied darling, but
absolutely refus'd to see his father before she died.
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N10 When Mrs#. {Jones} return'd, and I observ'd her looks, they
seem'd so unconcern'd and even nearest to pleas'd, that I half
flatter'd myself, she was going to set my tortur'd heart at ease,
by bringing me good news; but this indeed was a cruel delusion
of hope: the barbarian, with all the coolness imaginable, stabs
me to the heart, in telling me succinctly that he was sent away at
least on a four years voyage, (here she stretch'd maliciously)
and that I could not expect in reason ever to see him again: and
all this with such pregnant circumstances, that I could not
escape giving them credit, as in general they were indeed too
true!
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N21 She had hardly finish'd her report, before I fainted away, and
after several successive fits, all the while wild and senseless, I
miscarried of the dear pledge of my {Charles}'s love: but the
wretched never die when it is fittest that they should die, and
women are hard-liv'd to a proverb.
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N26 The cruel and interested care taken to recover me, sav'd an
odious life: which instead of the happiness and joys it had
overflow'd in, all of a sudden presented no view before me of
any thing but the depth of misery, horror, and the sharpest
affliction.
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N31 Thus I lay six weeks, in the struggles of youth and constitution
against the friendly efforts of death, which I constantly
invok'd to my relief and deliverance, but which proving too
weak for my wish, I recover'd at length, but into a state of
stupefaction and despair that threaten'd me with a loss of my
senses, and a mad-house.
\SFanny 1.56 :
\N37 Time, however, that great comforter in ordinary, began to
assuage the violence of my sufferings, and to numb my feeling
of them. My health return'd to me, though I still retain'd an air
of grief, dejection, and langour, which taking off from the
ruddiness of my country complexion, render'd it rather more
delicate and affecting.
\PFanny 1.57 :
\SFanny 1.57 :
\N1 The landlady had all this time officiously provided, and seen
that I wanted for nothing, and as soon as she saw me retriev'd
into a condition of answering her purpose; one day after we had
dined together, she congratulated me on my recovery, the merit
of which she took entirely to herself, and all this by way of
introduction to a most terrible, and scurvy epilogue: "[You are
now, says she, miss {Fanny}, tolerably well, and you are very
welcome to stay in these lodgings as long as you please, you see
I have ask'd you for nothing this long time, but truely I have a
call to make up a sum of money which must be answer'd"]; and,
with that, presents me with a bill for arrears of rent, diet,
apothecary's charges, nurse, &{c}#. sum total twenty-three
pounds seventeen and six-pence: towards discharging of which
I had not in the world (which she well knew) more than seven
guineas, left by chance of my dear {Charles}'s common stock
with me: at the same time she desir'd me to tell her what course I
would take for payment. I burst out into a flood of tears, and
told her my condition, that I would sell what few cloaths I had,
and that for the rest, would pay her as soon as possible: but my
distress being favourable to her views, only stiffen'd her the
more.
\SFanny 1.57 :
\N22 (--)She told me very coolly, that she was indeed sorry for my
misfortunes, but that she must do herself justice, though it
would go to the very heart of her to send such a tender young
creature to prison:(--)at the word prison! every drop of my
blood chill'd, and my fright acted so strongly upon me, that
turning as pale and faint as a criminal at the first sight of his place
of execution, I was on the point of swooning: my landlady, who
wanted only to terrify me to a certain point, and not to throw
me into a state of body inconsistent with her designs upon it,
began to sooth me again, and told me, in a tone compos'd to
more pity and gentleness, that it would be my own fault if she
was forc'd to proceed to such extremities, but she believ'd there
was a friend to be found in the world, who would make up
matters to both our satisfactions, and that she would bring him
to drink tea with us that very afternoon, when she hop'd we
would come to a right understanding in our affairs. To all this,
not a word of answer: I sate mute, confounded, terrify'd.
\SFanny 1.57 :
\N39 Mrs#. {Jones}, however, judging rightly that it was her time to
strike whilst the impressions were so strong upon me, left me to
myself, and to all the terrors of an imagination, wounded to
death by the idea of going to a prison, and, from a principle of
\PFanny 1.58 :
\N1 self-preservation, snatching at every glimpse of redemption
from it.
\SFanny 1.58 :
\N3 In this situation I sat near half an hour, swallow'd up in grief
and despair, when my landlady came in, and observing a death-like
dejection in my countenance, still in pursuance of her plan,
put on a false pity, and bidding me be of good heart, things she
said would not be so bad as I imagin'd, if I would be but my own
friend: and closed with telling me she had brought a very
honourable gentleman to drink tea with me, who would give me
the best advice how to get rid of all my troubles; upon which,
without waiting for a reply, she goes out, and returns with this
very honourable gentleman, whose very honourable procuress
she had been on this as well as other occasions.
\SFanny 1.58 :
\N14 The gentleman on his entering the room made me a very civil
bow, which I had scarce strength, or presence of mind enough
to return a curtsey to: when the landlady taking upon her to do
all the honours of this first interview; (for I had never, that I
remember'd, seen the gentleman before) sets a chair for him,
and another for herself. All this while not a word on either side:
a stupid stare was all the face I could put on this strange visit.
\SFanny 1.58 :
\N21 The tea was made, and the landlady, unwilling, I suppose, to
lose any time, observing my silence and shyness before this
entire stranger, "[come miss {Fanny}"] (says she in a coarse
familiar style, and tone of authority) "[hold up your head child,
and do not let sorrow spoil that pretty face of yours: What!
sorrows are only for a time: Come, be free, here is a worthy
gentleman who has heard of your misfortunes, and is willing to
serve you(--)you must be better acquainted with him, do not you
now stand upon your punctilio's, and this and that, but make
your market while you may."]
\SFanny 1.58 :
\N31 At this so delicate, and eloquent harangue, the gentleman,
who saw I look'd frightened and amaz'd, and indeed incapable of
answering, took her up for breaking things in so abrupt a
manner, as rather to shock than incline me to an acceptance of
the good he intended me: then addressing himself to me, told
me he was perfectly acquainted with my whole story, and every
circumstance of my distress, which he own'd was a cruel plunge
for one of my youth and beauty to fall into:(--)that he had long
taken a liking to my person, for which he appeal'd to Mrs#. {Jones},
there present, but finding me so deeply engag'd to another, he
had lost all hopes of succeeding, till he heard the sudden reverse
of fortune that had happen'd to me, on which he had given
\PFanny 1.59 :
\N1 particular orders to my landlady to see that I should want for
nothing, and that had he not be forc'd abroad to the {Hague}
on affairs he could not refuse himself to, he would himself have
attended me during my sickness;(--)that on his return, which
was but the day before, he had, on learning my recovery, desir'd
my landlady's good offices to introduce him to me, and was as
angry at least, as I was shock'd, at the manner in which she had
conducted herself towards obtaining him that happiness, but
that to show me how much he disown'd her procedure, and
how far he was from taking an ungenerous advantage of my
situation, and from exacting any security for my graditude, he
would, before my face, that instant, discharge my debt entirely
to my landlady, and give her receipt in full, after which I
should be at liberty either to reject or grant his suit, as he was
much above putting any force upon my inclinations.
\SFanny 1.59 :
\N16 Whilst he was exposing his sentiments to me, I ventur'd just to
look up to him, and observe his figure, which was that of a very
well looking gentleman, well made, of about forty, drest in a suit
of plain cloaths, with a large diamond ring on one of his fingers,
the lustre of which play'd in my eyes, as he wav'd his hand in
talking, and rais'd my notions of his importance: in short, he
might pass for what is commonly call'd a comely black man,
with an air of distinction natural to his birth and condition.
\SFanny 1.59 :
\N24 To all his speeches, however, I answer'd only in tears that
flow'd plentifully to my relief, and choaking up my voice,
excus'd me from speaking, very luckily, for I should not have
known what to say.
\SFanny 1.59 :
\N28 The sight however mov'd him, as he afterwards told me,
irresistibly, and by way of giving me some reason to be less
powerfully afflicted, he drew out his purse, and calling for pen
and ink, which the landlady was prepar'd for, paid her every
farthing of her demand, independant of a liberal gratification,
which was to follow unknown to me, and taking a receipt in
full, very tenderly forc'd me to secure it, by guiding my hand,
which he had thrust it into, so as to make me passively put it into
my pocket.
\SFanny 1.59 :
\N37 Still I continued in a state of stupidity, or melancholic
despair, as my spirits could not yet recover from the violent
shocks they had receiv'd, and the commode landlady had
actually left the room, and me alone with this strange gentleman
before I observ'd it, and then observ'd it without alarm, for I
was now lifeless, and indifferent to every thing.
\PFanny 1.60 :
\SFanny 1.60 :
\N1 The gentleman, however, no novice in affairs of this sort,
drew near me, and under the pretence of comforting me, first
with his handkerchief dried my tears as they ran down my
cheeks: presently, he ventur'd to kiss me: on my part neither
resistance nor compliance; I sat stock-still; and now looking
on myself as bought by the payment that had been transacted
before me, I did not care what became of my wretched body:
and wanting life, spirits, or courage to oppose the least struggle,
even that of the modesty of my sex, I suffer'd tamely
whatever the gentleman pleased, who proceeding insensibly
from freedom to freedom, insinuated his hand between my
handkerchief and bosom, which he handled at discretion:
finding thus no repulse and that every thing favour'd, beyond
expectation, the completion of his desires, he took me in his
arms, and bore me without life or motion to the bed, on which
laying me gently down, and having me at what advantage he
pleas'd, I did not so much as know what he was about, till
recovering from a trance of lifeless insensibility, I found him
buried in me, whilst I lay passive and innocent of the least
sensation of pleasure: a death cold corpse could scarce have
had less life or sense in it. As soon as he had thus pacified a
passion, which had too little respected the condition I was in,
he got off, and after recomposing the disorder of my cloaths,
employ'd himself with the utmost tenderness to calm the
transports of remorse and madness at myself, with which I was
seiz'd, too late I confess, for having suffer'd on that bed the
embraces of an utter stranger: I tore my hair, wrung my hands,
and beat my breast like a mad-woman: but when my new
master, for in that light I then view'd him, applied himself to
appease me, as my whole rage was levell'd at myself, no part of
which I thought myself permitted to aim at him, I begg'd him
with more submission than anger, to leave me alone, that I
might at least enjoy my affliction in quiet; this he positively
refus'd, for fear, as he pretended, that I should do myself a
mischief.
\SFanny 1.60 :
\N36 Violent passions seldom last long, and those of women least
of any. A dead still calm succeeded this storm, which ended in a
profuse shower of tears.
\SFanny 1.60 :
\N39 Had any one, but a few instants before, told me that I should
have ever known any man but {Charles}, I would have spit in his
face, or had I been offer'd infinitely a greater sum of money than
that I saw paid for me, I had spurn'd the proposal in cold blood:
\PFanny 1.61 :
\N1 but our virtues and our vices depend too much on our circumstances;
unexpectedly beset as I was, betray'd by a mind
weakned by a long severe affliction, and stunn'd with the
terrors of a goal, my defeat will appear the more excusable,
since I certainly was not present at, or a party in any sense, to it.
However, as the first enjoyment is decisive, and he was now
over the bar, I thought I had no longer a right to refuse the
caresses of one that had got that advantage over me, no matter
how obtain'd: conforming myself then to this maxim, I consider'd
myself as so much in his power, that I endur'd his kisses
and embraces without affecting struggles, or anger, not that
they as yet gave me any pleasure, or prevail'd over the aversion
of my soul, to give myself up to any sensation of that sort: what
I suffer'd, I suffer'd out of a kind of gratitude, and as a matter of
course after what had pass'd.
\SFanny 1.61 :
\N16 He was however so regardful as not to attempt the renewal of
those extremities which had thrown me just before into such
violent agitations; but, now secure of possession, contented
himself with bringing me to temper by degrees, and waiting at
the hand of time for those fruits of his generosity and courtship,
which he since often reproach'd himself with having gather'd
much too green, when yielding to the invitations of my inability
to resist him, and overborn by desires, he had wreak'd his
passion on a mere lifeless spiritless body, dead to all purposes of
joy, since taking none, it ought to have been suppos'd incapable
of giving any. This is however certain, my heart never
thoroughly forgave him the manner in which I had fall'n to him,
although, in point of interest, I had reason to be pleas'd that he
found in my person(--)wherewithal to keep him from leaving me
as easily as he had had me.
\SFanny 1.61 :
\N31 The evening was in the mean time so far advanc'd, that the
maid came in to lay the cloath for supper, when I understood
with joy, that my landlady, whose sight was present poison to
me, was not to be with us.
\SFanny 1.61 :
\N35 Presently a neat and elegant supper was introduc'd, and a
bottle of burgundy, with the other necessaries, were set on a
dumb-waiter.
\SFanny 1.61 :
\N38 The maid quitting the room, the gentleman insisted, with a
tender warmth, that I should sit up in the elbow chair by the
fire, and see him eat, if I cou'd not be prevail'd on to eat myself. I
obey'd, with a heart full of affliction, at the comparison it made
between those delicious tete-a-tetes with my ever dear youth,
\PFanny 1.62 :
\N1 and this forc'd situation, this new aukward scene, impos'd and
obtruded on me by cruel necessity.
\SFanny 1.62 :
\N3 At supper, after a great many arguments us'd to comfort, and
reconcile me to my fate, he told me that his name was {H#-#-#-#-},
brother to the earl of {L#-#-#-#-}, and that having, by the suggestions
of my landlady, been led to see me, he had found me perfectly to
his taste, had given her a commission to procure me at any rate,
and that he had at length succeeded as much to his satisfaction,
as he passionately wish'd it might be to mine, adding withal
some flattering assurances that I should have no cause to repent
my knowledge of him.
\SFanny 1.62 :
\N12 I had now got down at least half a partridge, and three or four
glasses of wine, which he compell'd me to drink by way of
restoring nature, but whether there was any thing extraordinary
put into the wine, or whether there wanted no more to revive
the natural warmth of my constitution, and give fire to the old
train, I began no longer to look with that constraint, not to say
disgust, on Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} which I had hitherto done, but withal
there was not the least grain of love mix'd with this softening of
my sentiments: any other man would have been just the same to
me as Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, that stood in the same circumstances, and had
done for me, and with me, what he had done.
\SFanny 1.62 :
\N23 There are not, on earth at least, eternal griefs; mine were, if
not at an end, at least suspended: my heart, which had been so
long overloaded with anguish and vexation, began to dilate and
open to the least gleam of diversion, or amusement. I wept a
little, and my tears reliev'd me: I sigh'd, and my sighs seem'd to
lighten me of a load that opprest me: my countenance grew, if
not chearful, at least more compos'd, and free.
\SFanny 1.62 :
\N30 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} who had watched, perhaps brought on this
change, knew too well not to seize it: He thrust the table
imperceptibly from between us, and bringing his chair to face
me, he soon began, after preparing me by all the endearments of
assurances, and protestations, to lay hold of my hands, to kiss
me, and once more to make free with my bosom, which being at
full liberty from the disorder of my loose dishabil, now panted
and throb'd less with indignation than with fear and bashfulness,
at being used so familiarly by still a stranger: but he soon
gave me greater occasion to exclaim, by stooping down and
slipping his hand above my garters; then he strove to regain
the pass which he had before found so open, and unguarded:
but now he could not unlock the twist of my thighs: I gently
\PFanny 1.63 :
\N1 complain'd, and begg'd him to let me alone; told him I was not
well: however, as he saw there was more form and ceremony in
my resistance, than good earnest, he made his conditions for
desisting from pursuing his point, that I should be put instantly
to bed, whilst he gave certain orders to the landlady, and that he
would return in an hour, when he hop'd to find me more
reconcil'd to his passion for me, than I seem'd at present. I
neither assented nor deny'd, but in my air and manner of
receiving this proposal, gave him to see that I did not think
myself enough my own mistress to refuse it.
\SFanny 1.63 :
\N11 Accordingly he went out and left me, when a minute or two
after, before I could recover myself into any composure for
thinking, the maid came in with her mistress's service, and a
small silver porrenger of what she call'd a bridal posset, and
desir'd me to eat it as I went to bed, which consequently I did,
and felt immediately a heat, a fire run like a hue-and-cry
through ev'ry part of my body; I burnt, I glow'd, and wanted
even little of wishing for any man.
\SFanny 1.63 :
\N19 The maid, as soon as I was lain down, took the candle away,
and wishing me a good night, went out of the room, and shut
the door after her.
\SFanny 1.63 :
\N22 She had hardly time to get down stairs before Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}
open'd my room door softly, and came in, now undrest, in his
night-gown and cap, with two lighted wax-candles, and bolting
the door, gave me, though I expected him, some sort of alarm.
He came a tip-toe to the bed-side, and saying with a gentle
whisper, "[pray my dear do not be startl'd,(--)I will be very
tender and kind to you."] He then hurry'd off his cloaths, and
leap'd into bed, having given me openings enough, while he was
stripping, to observe his brawny structure, strong made limbs,
and rough shaggy breast.
\SFanny 1.63 :
\N32 The bed shook again when it receiv'd this new load: He lay
on the outside, where he kept the candles burning, no doubt
for the satisfaction of ev'ry sense; for as soon as he had kiss'd
me, he roll'd down the bed-cloaths, and seem'd transported
with the view of all my person at full length, which he cover'd
with a profusion of kisses, sparing no part of me. Then, being
on his knees between my thighs, he drew up his shirt, and
bared all his hairy thighs, and stiff staring truncheon, red-topt,
and rooted into a thicket of curls, which cover'd his belly to
his navel, and gave it the air of a flesh-brush: and soon I felt it
joining close to mine, when he had drove the nail up to the
\PFanny 1.64 :
\N1 head, and left no partition but the intermediate hair on both
sides.
\SFanny 1.64 :
\N3 I had it now, I felt it now: and beginning to drive, he soon
gave nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite
quarters, that she could no longer refuse repairing thither: all
my animal spirits then rush'd mechanically to that center of
attraction, and presently, inly warm'd, and stirr'd as I was
beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of
the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of
pleasure, which in the strictness of still faithful love, I could
have wish'd to have held up.
\SFanny 1.64 :
\N12 Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this
impression of a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the
collision of the sexes, by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet
fury, that rage of active delight which crowns the enjoyments of
a mutual love-passion, where two hearts tenderly and truly
united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids
defiance to that end, which mere momentary desires generally
terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of satisfaction.
\SFanny 1.64 :
\N20 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} whom no distinctions of that sort seem'd to
distract, scarce gave himself or me breathing time from the last
encounter, but as if he had task'd himself to prove that the
appearances of his vigour, were not signs hung out in vain, in a
few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset, to
which preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same
course as before with unbated fervour, and this in repeated
engagements, kept me constantly in exercise till dawn of morning,
in all which time, he made me full sensible of the virtues of
his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest,
compact hard muscles, in short a system of manliness, that
might pass for no bad image of our antient sturdy barons, when
they weilded the battle-ax, whose race is now so thoroughly
refin'd and fritter'd away into the more delicate modern-built
frame of our pap-nerv'd softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and
almost as masculine as their sisters.
\SFanny 1.64 :
\N36 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, content however with having the day break upon
his triumphs, resign'd me up to the refreshment of a rest we
both wanted, and we soon dropt into a profound sleep.
\SFanny 1.64 :
\N39 Tho' he was some time awake before me, yet did he not offer
to disturb a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but
on my first stirring, which was not till past ten o'clock, I was
oblig'd to endure one more trial of his manhood.
\PFanny 1.65 :
\SFanny 1.65 :
\N1 About eleven, in came Mrs#. {Jones}, with two basons of the
richest soupe, which her experience in these matters had mov'd
her to prepare. I pass over the fulsome compliments, the cant of
this decent procuress, with which she saluted us both, but tho'
my blood rose at the sight of her, I supprest my emotions, and
gave all my concern to reflections on what would be the
consequence of this new engagement.
\SFanny 1.65 :
\N8 But Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, who penetrated my uneasiness, did not long
suffer me to languish under it, and acquainted me, that having
taken a solid sincere affection to me, he would begin by giving
me one leading mark of it, in removing me out of a house which
must for many reasons be irksome and disagreeable to me, into
convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of
me; and desiring me not to have any explanations with my
landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dress'd and went
out, having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it,
being all he had about him, as he exprest it, to keep my pocket
till farther supplies.
\SFanny 1.65 :
\N19 As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first
launch into vice; (for my love attachment to {Charles} never
appear'd to me in that light.) I was instantly born away down the
stream, without the power of making back to the shore. My
dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the plain
truth, the dissipation, and diversion I began to find in this new
acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had
been a prey to, ever since the absence of my dear {Charles},
concurr'd to stun all contrary reflections. If I now thought of my
first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret
of the fondest love, embitter'd with the consciousness that I was
no longer worthy of him. I could have beg'd my bread with him
all over the world, but wretch that I was! I had neither the virtue
or courage requisite not to outlive my separation from him.
\SFanny 1.65 :
\N33 Yet! had not my heart been thus pre-ingag'd, Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} might
probably have been the sole master of it, but the place was full,
and the force of conjunctures alone had made him the possessor
of my person, the charms of which had, by the bye been his sole
object, and passion, and were of course no foundation for a love
either very delicate, or very durable. He did not return till six in
the evening, to take me away to my new lodgings, and my
moveables being soon pack'd, and convey'd into a hackney-coach,
it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady
whom I thought I had so much reason not to be over-pleas'd
\PFanny 1.66 :
\N1 with, and as for her part, she made no other difference of my
staying, or going, but what that of the profit created.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N3 We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of
a plain tradesman, who, on the score of interest, was entirely at
Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}'s devotion, and who let him the first floor very
genteelly furnish'd for two guineas a week, of which I was
instated mistress, with a maid to attend me.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N8 He staid with me that evening, and we had a supper from a
neighbouring tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the
maid put me to bed, Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} soon follow'd, and notwithstanding
the fatigues of the preceding night, I found no quarter
nor remission from him: He piqu'd himself, as he told me, on
doing the honours of my new apartment.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N14 The morning being pretty well advanc'd, we got to breakfast:
and the ice now broke, my heart, no longer engross'd by love,
began to take ease, and to please itself with such trifles as Mr#.
{H#-#-#-#-}'s liberal liking led him to make his court to the usual
vanity of our sex. Silks, laces, ear-rings, pearl-necklace, gold
watch, in short all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly
heap'd upon me, the sense of which, if it did not create returns
of love, forc'd a kind of grateful fondness something like love, a
distinction it would be spoiling the pleasure of nine tenths of the
keepers in the town to make, and is I suppose the very good
reason why so few of them ever do make it.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N25 I was now establish'd the kept mistress, in form, well lodg'd,
with a very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the
lustre of dress.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N28 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} continu'd kind and tender to me, yet, with all this
I was far from happy; for, besides my regrets for my dear youth,
which though often suspended, or diverted, still return'd upon
me in certain melancholic moments with redoubl'd violence, I
wanted more society, more dissipation.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N33 As to Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, he was so much my superior in every sense,
that I felt it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I ow'd
him, this he gain'd my esteem, though he could not raise my
taste; I was qualify'd for no sort of conversation with him,
except one sort, and that is a satisfaction which leaves tiresome
intervals, if not fill'd up by love, or other amusements.
\SFanny 1.66 :
\N39 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, so experienc'd, so learned in the ways of women,
numbers of whom had past through his hands, doubtless soon
perceiv'd this uneasiness, and without approving or liking me
the better for it, had the complaisance to indulge me.
\PFanny 1.67 :
\SFanny 1.67 :
\N1 He made suppers at my lodgings, where he brought several
companions of his pleasures, with their mistresses, and by this
means I got into a circle of acquaintance that soon strip'd me of
all the remains of bashfulness and modesty which might be yet
left of my country-education, and were, to a just taste, perhaps,
the greatest of my charms.
\SFanny 1.67 :
\N7 We visited one another in form, and mimick'd, as near as we
could, all the miseries, the follies, and impertinences of the
women of quality, in the round of which they trifle away their
time, without its ever entering into their little heads, that on
earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly, more flat, more
insipid and worthless, than, generally consider'd, their system
of life is: they ought to treat the men as their tyrants indeed!
were they to condemn them to it.
\SFanny 1.67 :
\N15 But tho', amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now
acquainted with a good many, besides some useful matrons,
who live by their connexions with them) I hardly knew one that
did not perfectly detest their keepers, and of course, made little
or no scruple of any infidelity they could safely accomplish, I
had still no notion of wronging mine: for besides that no mark
of jealousy on his side started me the hint, or gave me the
provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that his
constant generosity, politeness, and tender attentions to please
me, forc'd a regard to him, that, without affecting my heart,
insur'd him my fidelity, no object had yet presented, that could
overcome the habitual liking I had contracted for him: and I was
on the eve of obtaining from the movements of his own
voluntary generosity, a modest provision for life, when an
accident happen'd which broke all the measures he had resolv'd
upon in my favour.
\SFanny 1.67 :
\N31 I had now liv'd near seven months with Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, when
one day returning to my lodgings, from a visit in the neighbourhood,
where I us'd to stay longer, I found the street-door open,
and the maid of the house standing at it talking with some of her
acquaintance, so that I came in without knocking; and as I past
by, she told me Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} was above. I stept up stairs into my
own bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling off
my hat, &{c}#. and then to wait upon him in the dining-room, into
which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough.
Whilst I was untying my hat-strings, I fancy'd I heard my maid
{Hannah}'s voice, and a sort of tustle, which raising my curiosity,
I stole softly to the door, where a knot in the wood had been
\PFanny 1.68 :
\N1 slipt out, and afforded a very commanding peep-hole to the
scene then in agitation, the actors of which had been too
earnestly employ'd, to hear my opening my own door, from the
landing place of the stairs, into my bed-chamber.
\SFanny 1.68 :
\N5 The first sight that struck me, was Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} pulling and
hauling this coarse country-strammel towards a couch that
stood in the corner of the dining-room; to which the girl made
only a sort of aukward hoidening resistance, crying out so
{loud!} that I who listen'd at the door could scarce hear her,
"[Pray, Sir, don't(--)let me alone(--)I am not for your turn.(--)You
cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I(--).
Lord, Sir, my mistress may come home.(--)I must not indeed. I
will cry out(--)"] All which did not hinder her from insensibly
suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the couch; upon
which a push of no mighty violence serv'd to give her a very
easy fall, and my gentleman having got up his hands to the
strong-hold of her {vartue}, she no doubt thought it was time to
give up the argument, and that all further defence would be
vain; and he throwing her petticoats over her face, which was
now as red as scarlet, discover'd a pair of stout, plump,
substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round
his hips, and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the
cloven spot, where he seem'd to find a less difficult entrance
than perhaps he had flatter'd himself with (for by the way this
Blouze had left her place in the country for a bastard) and
indeed all his motions shew'd he was lodg'd pretty much at
large. After he had done, his {dearee} gets up, drops her petticoats
down, and smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}
look'd a little silly, and taking out some money, gave it her, with
an air indifferent enough, biding her be a good girl, and say
nothing.
\SFanny 1.68 :
\N32 Had I lov'd this man, it was not in nature for me to have had
patience to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in
and play'd the jealous princess with a vengeance; but that was
not the case, my pride alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could
easier win upon myself to see how far he would go, till I had no
uncertainty upon my conscience.
\SFanny 1.68 :
\N38 The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I
retir'd softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I
should do: my first scheme naturally was to rush in and upbraid
them: this indeed flatter'd my present emotions and vexations,
as it would have given immediate vent to them; but on second
\PFanny 1.69 :
\N1 thoughts, not being so clear as to the consequence to be
apprehended from such a step, I began to doubt whether it was
not better to dissemble my discovery, till a safer season, when
Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} should have perfected the settlement he had made
overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a violent
explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of,
could possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other
hand, the provocation seem'd too gross, too flagrant, not to
give me some thoughts of revenge, the very start of which idea
restor'd me to perfect composure, and delighted as I was with
the confus'd plan of it in my head, I was easily mistress enough
of myself to support the part of ignorance I had prescrib'd to
myself; and as all this circle of reflections was instantly over, I
stole a tip-toe to the passage-door, and opening it with a noise,
past for having that moment come home; and after a short
pause, as if to pull off my things, I open'd the door into the
dining-room, where I found the dowdy blowing the fire, and
my faithful shepherd walking about the room, and whistling,
as cool and unconcern'd, as if nothing had happen'd: I think,
however, he had not much to brag of having out-dissembled
me; for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex for art, and
went up to him with the same air of frankness, as I had
ever receiv'd him. He staid but a little while, made some
excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, and
went out.
\SFanny 1.69 :
\N26 As for the wench, she was now spoil'd at least for my servant;
and scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her
insolence, on what had pass'd between Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} and her, gave
me so fair an occasion to turn her away at a minute's warning,
that not to have done it would have been the wonder; so that he
could neither disapprove it, nor find in it the least reason to
suspect my original motive. What became of her afterwards I
know not; but generous as Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} was, he undoubtedly
made her amends: tho's I dare answer, that he kept up no farther
commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a coarse
morsel, was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome-looking
buxom country-wench, and no more strange than
hunger, or even a wimsical appetite's making a flying meal of
neck-beef, for change of diet.
\SFanny 1.69 :
\N40 Had I consider'd this escape of Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} in no more than
that light, and contented myself with turning away the wench, I
had thought and acted right; but, flush'd as I was with imaginary
\PFanny 1.70 :
\N1 wrongs, I should have held Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} to have been too
cheaply off, if I had not push'd my revenge farther, and repaid
him, as exactly as I could for the soul of me, in the same coin.
\SFanny 1.70 :
\N4 Nor was this worthy act of justice long delaid: I had it too
much at heart; Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} had, about a fortnight before, taken
into his service a tenant's son, just come out of the country, a
very handsome young lad, scarce turn'd of nineteen, fresh as a
rose, well shap'd, and clever-limb'd; in short, a very good
excuse for any woman's liking, even tho' revenge had been out
of the question; any woman, I say, who was disprejudic'd, and
had wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of pleasure to a point
of pride.
\SFanny 1.70 :
\N13 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} had clap'd a livery upon him; and his chief
employ was, after being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry
letters or messages between his master and me; and as the
situation of all kept-ladies is not the fittest to inspire respect
even to the meanest of mankind, and perhaps less of it from the
most ignorant, I could not help observing, that this lad, who
was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his master by his
fellow servants, used to eye me, in that bashful confus'd way,
more expressive, more moving, and readier catch'd at by our
sex, than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it
seems, struck him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did
not himself know that the pleasure he took in looking at me was
love, or desire; but his eyes, naturally wanton, and now
enflam'd by passion, spoke a great deal more than he durst have
imagin'd they did. Hitherto indeed I had only taken notice of
the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: My
pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way,
had not Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}'s condescension with my maid, where there
was not half the temptation in point of person, set me a
dangerous example; but now I began to look on this stripling as
every way a delicious instrument of my design'd retaliation
upon Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, of an obligation for which I should have made
a conscience to die in his debt.
\SFanny 1.70 :
\N36 In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my
scheme, for two or three times that the young fellow came to me
with messages, I manag'd so, as without affectation, to have him
admitted to my bed-side, or brought to me at my toilet, where I
was dressing; and by carelessly shewing, or letting him see, as if
without meaning or design, sometimes my bosom rather more
bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I had a very
\PFanny 1.71 :
\N1 fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing; sometimes a
neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I made
no scruple of tying before him; easily give him the impressions
favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in
his eyes, and glow in his cheeks: Then certain slight squeezes by
the hand, as I took letters from him, did his business
compleatly.
\SFanny 1.71 :
\N8 When I saw him thus mov'd, and fir'd for my purpose, I
inflam'd him yet more, by asking him several leading questions;
such as, "[had he a mistress?(--)was she prettier than me?(--)could
he love such a one as I was?(--)and the like;"] to all which the
blushing simpleton answer'd to my wish, in a strain of perfect
nature, perfect undebauch'd innocence, but with all the aukwardness
and simplicity of country breeding.
\SFanny 1.71 :
\N15 When I thought I had sufficiently ripen'd him for the
laudable point I had in view; one day that I expected him at a
particular hour, I took care to have the coast clear for the
reception I design'd him: and, as I had laid it, he came to the
dining-room door, rapped at it, and on my bidding him come
in, he did so, and shut the door after him: I desir'd him to bolt it
on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise keep shut.
\SFanny 1.71 :
\N22 I was then lying at length on that very couch, the scene of Mr#.
{H#-#-#-#-}'s polite joys, in an undress, which was with all the art of
negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder, no
stays, no hoop(--)no incumbrance whatever: on the other hand,
he stood at a little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine
featur'd, shapely, healthy, country lad, breathing the sweets of
fresh blooming youth: his hair, which was of a perfect shining
black, play'd to his face in natural side-curls, and was set out
with a smart tuck-up behind: new buck-skin breeches, that
clipping close, shew'd the shape of a plump well made thigh,
white stockings, garter-laced livery, shoulder-knot, altogether
compos'd a figure in which the beauties of pure flesh and blood,
appear'd under no disgrace from the lowness of a dress, to
which a certain spruce neatness seems peculiarly fitted.
\SFanny 1.71 :
\N36 I bid him come towards me, and give me his letter, at the same
time throwing down carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He
colour'd, and came within reach of delivering me the letter,
which he held out aukwardly enough for me to take, with his
eyes rivetted on my bosom, which was, through the design'd
disorder of my handkerchief, sufficiently bare, and rather
shaded than hid.
\PFanny 1.72 :
\SFanny 1.72 :
\N1 I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately
catching gently hold of his shirt-sleeve, drew him toward me,
blushing, and almost trembling: for surely his extreme bashfulness,
and utter inexperience, call'd for at least all these advances
to encourage him: his body was now conveniently inclin'd
towards me, and just softly chucking his smooth beardless chin,
I ask'd him, {If he was afraid of a lady}?(--)and with that took and
carrying his hand to my breasts, I prest it tenderly to them; they
were now finely furnish'd, and raised in flesh, so that panting
with desire, they rose, and fell, in quick heaves, under his touch:
at this the boy's eyes began to lighten with all the fires of
inflam'd nature, and his cheeks flush'd with a deep scarlet:
tongue-tied with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not
speak, but then his looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfy'd me
that my train had taken, and that I had no disappointment to
fear.
\SFanny 1.72 :
\N17 My lips, which I threw in his way, so as that he could not
escape kissing them, fix'd, fir'd and embolden'd him, and now
glancing my eyes towards that part of his dress which cover'd
the essential object of enjoyment, I plainly discover'd the swell
and commotion there, and as I was now too far advanc'd to stop
in so fair a way, and was indeed no longer able to contain
myself, or wait the slower progress of his maiden bashfulness,
(for such it seem'd, and really was) I stole my hand upon his
thighs, down one of which, I could both see and feel a stiff hard
body, confin'd by his breeches, that my fingers could discover
no end to: curious then and eager to unfold so alarming a
mystery, playing as it were with his buttons, which were
bursting ripe from the active force within, those of his waist-band
and fore-flap flew open at a touch, when out {it} started; and
now, disingag'd from the shirt, I saw with wonder and surprize,
what? not the play-thing of a boy, not the weapon of a man, but
a may-pole of so enormous a standard, that had proportions
been observ'd, it must have belong'd to a young giant: its
prodigious size made me shrink again: yet! I could not without
pleasure behold, and even ventur'd to feel, such a length! such a
breadth of animated ivory, perfectly well turn'd and fashion'd,
the proud stiffness of which distended its skin, whose smooth
polish, and velvet-softness, might vye with that of the most
delicate of our sex, and whose exquisite whiteness was not a
little set off by a sprout of black curling hair round the root,
through the jetty sprigs of which, the fair skin shew'd as, in a
\PFanny 1.73 :
\N1 fine evening, you may have remark'd the clear light #aether,
through the branch-work of distant trees, over topping the
summet of a hill: then the broad and bluish-casted incarnate of
the head, and blue serpentines of its veins, altogether compos'd
the most striking assemblage of figure and colours in nature; in
short, it stood an object of terror and delight.
\SFanny 1.73 :
\N7 But what was yet more surprising, the owner of this natural
curiosity (through the want of occasions in the strictness of his
home-breeding, and the little time he had been in town not
having afforded him one) was hitherto an absolute stranger, in
practice at least, to the use of all that manhood he was so nobly
stock'd with; and it now fell to my lot to stand his first trial of it,
if I could resolve to run the risques of its disproportion to that
tender part of me, which such an over-siz'd machine was very
fit to lay in ruins.
\SFanny 1.73 :
\N16 But it was now of the latest to deliberate, for by this time, the
young fellow, over-heated with the present objects, and too
high-mettl'd to be longer curb'd in by that modesty and awe
which had hitherto restrain'd him, ventur'd, under the stronger
impulse and instructive promptership of nature alone, to slip his
hands, trembling with eager impetuous desires, under my
petty-coats, and seeing, I suppose, nothing extremely severe in
my looks to stop, or dash him, he feels out and seizes gently the
center-spot of his ardours: oh then! the fiery touch of his fingers
determines me, and my fears melting away before the growing
intolerable heat, my thighs disclose of themselves, and yield all
liberty to his hand: and now a favourable movement giving my
petty-coats a toss, the avenue lay too fair, too open to be mist;
he is now upon me: I had placed myself with a jet under him, as
commodious, and open as possible to his attempts, which were
untoward enough, for his machine meeting with no inlet, bore
and batter'd stiffly against me in random pushes, now above,
now below, now beside his point, till burning with impatience
from its irritating touches, I guided gently with my hand, this
furious fescue to {where} my young novice was now to be taught
his first lesson of pleasure: thus he nick'd at length the warm
and insufficient orifice: but he was made to find no breach
practicable, and mine, though so often enter'd, was still far from
wide enough to take him easily in.
\SFanny 1.73 :
\N40 By my direction, however, the head of his unwieldy machine
was so critically pointed, that feeling him fore-right against the
tender opening, a favourable motion from me, met his timely
\PFanny 1.74 :
\N1 thrust, by which the lips of it, strenuously dilated, gave way to
his thus assisted impetuosity, so that we might both feel that he
had gain'd a lodgment: persuing then his point, he soon, by
violent, and to me most painful piercing thrusts, wedges himself
at least so far in, as to be now tolerably secure of his entrance:
here he stuck; and I now felt such a mixture of pleasure and
pain, as there is no giving a definition of: I dreaded, alike, his
spliting me farther up, or his with-drawing: I could not bear
either to keep, or part with him: the sense of pain, however,
prevailing, from his prodigious size and stiffness, acting upon
me in those continu'd rapid thrusts with which he furiously
persu'd his penetration, made me cry out gently, "[oh, my dear,
you hurt me!"] This was enough to check the tender respectful
boy, even in his mid-career: and he immediately drew out the
sweet cause of my complaint, whilst his eyes eloquently
express'd at once his grief for hurting me, and his reluctance at
dislodging from quarters, of which the warmth and closeness
had given him a gust of pleasure that he was now desire-mad to
satisfy, and yet too much a novice not to be afraid of my
withholding his relief, on account of the pain he had put me to.
\SFanny 1.74 :
\N21 But I was myself far from being pleas'd with his having too
much regarded my tender exclaims, for now more and more
fir'd with the object before me, as it still stood with the fiercest
erection, unbonneted, and displaying its broad vermillion head:
I first gave the youth a re-encouraging kiss, which he repaid me
with a fervour that seem'd at once to thank me, and bribe my
farther compliance, and I soon replac'd myself in a posture to
receive, at all risques, the renew'd invasion, which he did not
delay an instant; for being presently remounted, I once more
felt the smooth hard gristle, forcing an entrance, which he
atchiev'd rather easier than before: pain'd, however, as I was,
with his efforts of gaining a complete admission, which he was
so regardful as to manage by gentle degrees, I took care not to
complain; in the mean time, the soft strait passage gradually
loosens, yields, and, stretch'd to its utmost bearing, by the stiff,
thick, in-driven engine, sensible at once to the ravishing
pleasure of the {feel}, and the pain of the distension, let him in
about half way, when all the most nervous activity he now
exerted to further his penetration, gain'd him not an inch of his
purpose; for whilst he hesistated there, the crisis of pleasure
overtook him, and the close compressure of the warm surrounding
fold, drew from him the extatic gush, even before
\PFanny 1.75 :
\N1 mine was ready to meet it, kept up by the pain I had endur'd in
the course of the engagement, from the unsufferable size of his
weapon, tho' it was not as yet in above half its length.
\SFanny 1.75 :
\N4 I expected then, but without wishing it, that he would draw;
but was pleasingly disappointed, for he was not to be let off so.
The well-breath'd youth, hot-mettl'd, and flush with genial
juices, was now fairly in for making me know my driver: as
soon as he had made a short pause, waking as it were out of
the trance of pleasure, (in which every sense seem'd lost for a
while, whilst, with his eyes shut, and short quick breathings, he
had yielded down his maiden tribute;) he still kept his post, yet
unsated with enjoyment, and solacing in these so new delights,
till his stiffness, which had scarce perceptibly remitted, being
thoroughly recover'd to him, who had not once unsheath'd, he
proceeded afresh to cleave and open to himself an entire entry
into me, which was not a little made easy to him by the balsamic
injection, with which he had just plentifully moisten'd the
whole internals of the passage; redoubling then the active
energy of his thrusts, favour'd by the fervid appetency of my
motions, the soft oil'd wards can no longer stand so effectual a
picklock, but yield, and open him an entrance: and now with
conspiring nature, and my industry, strong to aid him, he
pierces, penetrates, and at length, winning his way inch by inch,
gets entirely in, and finally, a home-made thrust, sheaths it up to
the guard; on the information of which, from the close jointure
of our bodies, (insomuch that the hair on both sides perfectly
interweav'd, and incurl'd, together), the eyes of the transported
youth sparkl'd with more joyous fires, and all his looks and
motions acknowledg'd excess of pleasure, which I now began
to share, for I felt him in my very vitals! I was quite sick with
delight! stir'd beyond bearing with its furious agitations
within me, and gorg'd and cram'd even to a surfeit: thus I lay
gasping, panting, under him, till his broken breathings,
faultering accents, eyes twinkling with humid fires, lunges
more furious, and an encreased stiffness gave me to hail the
approaches of the second period:(--)it came,(--)and the sweet
youth, overpower'd with the extasy, died away in my arms,
melting in a flood, that shot in genial warmth into the inner-most
recesses of my body, every conduit of which, dedicated
to that pleasure, was on flow to mix with it: thus we continu'd
for some instants, lost, breathless, senseless of every thing, and
in every part, but those favourite ones of nature, in which all
\PFanny 1.76 :
\N1 that we enjoy'd of life and sensation, was now totally
concenter'd.
\SFanny 1.76 :
\N3 When our mutual trance was a little over, and the young
fellow had withdrawn that delicious stretcher, with which he
had most plentifully drown'd all thoughts of revenge, in the
sense of actual pleasure, the widen'd wounded passage refunded
a stream of pearly liquids, which flow'd down my thighs, mix'd
with streaks of blood the marks of the ravage of that monstrous
machine of his, which had now triumph'd over a kind of second
maiden-head: I stole, however, my handkerchief to those parts,
and wip'd them as dry as I could, whilst he was re-adjusting,
and buttoning up.
\SFanny 1.76 :
\N13 I made him now sit down by me, and as he had gather'd
courage from such extreme intimacy, he gave me an after-course
of pleasure, in a natural burst of tender gratitude and joy,
at the new scenes of bliss I had open'd to him; scenes positively
so new, that he had never before had the least acquaintance with
that misterious mark, the cloven stamp of female distinction,
tho' nobody better qualify'd than he to penetrate into its
deepest recesses, or do it nobler justice; but when by certain
motions, certain unquietnesses of his hands, that wander'd not
without design, I found he languish'd for satisfying a curiosity,
natural enough, to view and handle those parts which attract
and concenter the warmest force of imagination, charm'd as I
was to have any occasion of obliging and humouring his young
desires, I suffer'd him to proceed as he pleas'd, without check or
controul, to the satisfaction of them.
\SFanny 1.76 :
\N28 Easily then reading in my eyes the full permission of myself
to all his wishes, he scarce pleas'd himself more than me, when
having insinuated his hands under my petticoat and shift, he
presently remov'd those bars to the sight, by slily lifting them
upwards, under favour of a thousand kisses, which he thought,
perhaps, necessary to divert my attention to what he was about.
All my drapery being now roll'd up to my waist, I threw myself
into such a posture upon the couch, as gave up to him, in full
view, the whole region of delight, and all the luxurious landscape
round it. The transported youth, devour'd every thing
with his eyes, and try'd with his fingers to lay more open to his
sight the secrets of that dark and delicious deep: he opens the
folding lips, the softness of which yielding entry to any thing of
a hard body, close round it, and oppose the sight: and feeling
further, meets with, and wonders at a soft fleshy excrescence,
\PFanny 1.77 :
\N1 which, limber and relax'd after the late enjoyment, now grew,
under the touch and examination of his fiery fingers, more and
more stiff and considerable, till the titilating ardours of that so
sensible part, made me sigh, as if he had hurt me. On which he
withdrew his curious probing fingers, asking me pardon, as it
were, in a kiss that rather increas'd the flame {there}.
\SFanny 1.77 :
\N7 Novelty ever makes the strongest impressions, and in
pleasures especially: no wonder then, that he was swallow'd up
in raptures of admiration of things so interesting by their nature,
and now seen and handled for the first time. On my part, I was
richly overpaid for the pleasure I gave him, in that of examining
the power of those objects thus abandon'd to him, naked, and
free to his loosest wish, over the artless, natural stripling: his eyes
streaming fire, his cheeks glowing with a florid red, his fervid
frequent sighs, whilst his hands convulsively squeez'd, opened,
press'd together again the lips and sides of that deep flesh-wound,
or gently twich'd the over-growing moss; and all
proclaim'd the excess, the riot of joys, in having his wantonness
thus humour'd. But he did not long abuse my patience, for the
objects before him had now put him by all his, and coming out
with that formidable machine of his, he lets the fury loose, and
pointing it directly to the pouting-lipt mouth, that bid him sweet
defiance in dumb-shew, squeezes in the head, and driving with
refresh'd rage, breaks in, and plugs up the whole passage of that
soft-pleasure-conduit, where he makes all shake again, and put
once more all within me into such an uproar, as nothing could
still, but a fresh inundation from the very engine of those flames,
as well as from all the springs with which nature floats that
recevoir of joy, when risen to its flood-mark.
\SFanny 1.77 :
\N30 I was now so bruised, so batter'd, so spent with this over-match,
that I could hardly stir, or raise myself, but lay palpitating,
till the ferment of my senses subsiding by degrees, and the
hour striking at which I was oblig'd to dispatch my young man,
I tenderly advis'd him of the necessity there was for parting,
which I felt as much displeasure at as he could do, who seem'd
eagerly dispos'd to keep the field, and to enter on a fresh action:
but the danger was too great: and after some hearty kisses of
leave, and recommendations of secrecy, and discretion, I forc'd
myself to force him away, not without assurances of seeing him
again, to the same purpose, as soon as possible, and thrust a
guinea into his hands: not more; lest being too flush of money, a
suspicion or discovery, might arise from thence, having every
\PFanny 1.78 :
\N1 thing to fear from the dangerous indiscretion of that age in
which young fellows would be too irresistable, too charming, if
we had not that terrible fault to guard against.
\SFanny 1.78 :
\N4 Giddy and intoxicated as I was with such satiating draughts
of pleasure, I still lay on the couch, supinely stretch'd out, in a
delicious languor diffus'd over all my limbs, hugging myself for
being thus reveng'd to my heart's content, and that in a manner
so precisely alike, and on the identical spot, in which I had
receiv'd the suppos'd injury: no reflections on the consequences
ever once perplex'd me, nor did I make myself one
single reproach for having, by this step, completely enter'd
myself of a profession more decry'd than disus'd. I should have
held it ingratitude to the pleasure I had receiv'd, to have
repented of it; and since I was now over the bar, I thought by
plunging over head and ears into the stream I was hurried away
by, to drown all sense of shame or reflection.
\SFanny 1.78 :
\N17 Whilst I was thus making these laudable dispositions, and
whispering to myself a kind of tacit vow of incontinency, enters
Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}. The consciousness of what I had been doing,
deepen'd yet the glowing of my cheeks, flushed with the
warmth of the late action, which, join'd to the piquant air of my
dishabil, drew from Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} a compliment on my looks,
which he was proceeding to back the sincerity of with proofs,
and that with so brisk an action, as made me tremble for fear of a
discovery from the condition those parts were left in from their
late severe handling: the orifice dilated and inflam'd, the lips
swoln with their uncommon distension, the ringlets press'd
down, crush'd and uncurl'd with the overflowing moisture that
had wet every thing round it; the different feel and state of
things, in short, would hardly have pass'd, upon one of Mr#.
{H#-#-#-#-}'s nicety and experience, unaccounted for but by the real
cause; but here the woman sav'd me: I pretended a violent
disorder of my head, and a feverish heat, that indispos'd me too
much to receive his embraces. He gave into this, and good-naturedly
desisted. Soon after, an old lady coming in, made a
third, very {a propos} for the confusion I was in, and Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-},
after bidding me take care of myself, and recommending me to
my repose, left me much at ease, and reliev'd by his absence.
\SFanny 1.78 :
\N39 In the close of the evening, I took care to have prepar'd for me
a warm bath of aromatick and sweet herbs; in which, having
fully lav'd, and solaced myself, I came out voluptiously
refresh'd in body and spirit.
\PFanny 1.79 :
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N1 The next morning, waking pretty early after a night's perfect
rest and composure, it was not without some dread and uneasiness,
that I thought of what innovation that tender soft system
of mine might have sustain'd from the shock of a machine so
siz'd for its destruction.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N6 Struck with this apprehension, I scarce dar'd to carry my
hand thither, to inform myself of the state and posture of things.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N8 But I was soon agreeably cur'd of my fears.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N9 The silky hair that cover'd round the borders, now smooth'd,
and reprun'd, had resum'd its wonted curl and trimness; the
fleshy pouting lips, that had stood the brunt of the engagement,
were no longer swoln or moisture-drench'd: and neither they,
nor the passage into which they open'd, that had suffer'd so
great a dilatation, betray'd any the least alteration, outward or
inwardly, to the most curious research, notwithstanding also
the laxity that naturally follows a warm bath.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N17 This continuation of that grateful stricture which is in us, to
the men, the very jet of their pleasure, I ow'd, it seems, to a
happy habit of body, juicy, plump, and furnish'd towards the
texture of those parts, with a fullness of soft springy flesh, that
yeilding sufficiently as it does, to almost any distension, soon
recovers itself so as to retighten that strict compression of its
mantlings and folds which form the sides of the passage,
wherewith it so tenderly embraces, and closely clips any foreign
body introduc'd into it, such as my exploring finger then was.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N26 Finding then every thing in due tone and order, I remember'd
my fears, only to make a jest of them to myself. And now,
palpably mistress of any size of man, and triumphing in my
double atchievement of pleasure and revenge, I abandon'd
myself entirely to the ideas of all the delight I had swam in. I lay
stretching out, glowingly alive all over, and tossing with burning
impatience for the renewal of joys that had sinn'd but in a
sweet excess: nor did I lose my longing, for about ten in the
morning, according to expectation, {Will}, my new humble
sweet-heart, came with a message from his master, Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-},
to know how I did. I had taken care to send my maid on an
errand into the city, that I was sure would take up time enough;
and from the people of the house I had nothing to fear, as they
were plain good sort of folks, and wise enough to mind no more
of other people's business than they could well help.
\SFanny 1.79 :
\N41 All dispositions then made, not forgetting that of lying in bed
to receive him; when he was enter'd the door of my bed-chamber,
\PFanny 1.80 :
\N1 a latch that I govern'd by a wire, descended, and
secur'd it.
\SFanny 1.80 :
\N3 I could not but observe that my young minion was as much
spruc'd out as could be expected from one in his condition; a
desire of pleasing that could not be indifferent to me, since it
prov'd that I pleas'd him, which I assure you now a point I
was not above having in view.
\SFanny 1.80 :
\N8 His hair trimly dress'd, clean linnen and above all, a hale,
ruddy, wholesome country look, made him out as pretty a piece
of woman's meat as you should see, and I should have thought
any one much out of taste, that could not have made a hearty
meal of such a morsel as nature seem'd to have design'd for the
highest diet of pleasure.
\SFanny 1.80 :
\N14 And why should I here suppress the delight I receiv'd from
this amiable creature, in remarking each artless look, each
motion of pure undissembled nature, betray'd by his wanton
eyes, or shewing transparently the glow and suffusion of blood
through his fresh, clear skin, whilst even his sturdy, rustic
pressures, wanted not their peculiar charm? Oh! but say you,
this was a young fellow in too low a rank of life to deserve so
great a display. May be so! but was my condition, strictly
consider'd, one jot more exalted? or had I really been much
above him, did not his capacity of giving such exquisite pleasure
sufficiently raise and enoble him, to {me} at least? Let who would,
for me, cherish, respect, and reward the painter's, the statuary's,
the musician's arts, in proportion to the delight taken in them;
but at my age, and with my taste for pleasure, a taste strongly
constitutional to me; the talent of pleasing, with which nature
has endow'd a handsome person, form'd to me the greatest of all
merits; compared to which the vulgar prejudices in favour of
titles, dignities, honours, and the like, held a very low rank
indeed! nor perhaps would the beauties of the body be so much
affected to be held cheap, were they in their nature to be bought
and deliver'd; but for me, whose natural philosophy all resided
in the favourite center of sense, and who was rul'd by its
powerful instinct, in taking pleasure by its right handle, I could
scarce have made a choice more to my purpose.
\SFanny 1.80 :
\N38 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}'s loftier qualifications of birth, fortune, and
sense, laid me under a sort of subjection and constraint, that
were far from making harmony in the concert of love; not had
he perhaps thought me worth softening that superiority to; but
with this lad I was more on that level which love delights in.
\PFanny 1.81 :
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N1 We may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest
and freest with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best.
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N3 With this strippling, all whose art of love was the action of it,
I could without check of awe or restraint, give a loose to joy,
and execute every scheme of dalliance my fond fancy might put
me on, in which he was, in every sense, a most exquisite
companion. And now my great pleasure lay in humouring all
the petulances, all the wanton frolic of a raw novice just flesh'd,
and keen on the burning scent of his game, but unbroken to the
sport: and to carry on the figure, who could better {thread the}
{wood} than he, or stand fairer for the heart of the hunt?
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N12 He advanc'd then to my bedside, and whilst he faulter'd out
his message, I could observe his colour rise, and his eyes lighten
with joy, in seeing me in a situation as favourable to his loosest
wishes, as if he had bespoke the play.
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N16 I smil'd, and put out my hand towards him, which he kneel'd
down to, (a politeness taught him by love alone, that great
master of it) and greedily kiss'd. After exchanging a few
confus'd questions and answers, I ask'd him if he would come
to bed with me for the little time I could venture to detain him.
This was just asking a person dying with hunger, to feast upon
the dish on earth the most to his palate. Accordingly, without
farther reflection, all his cloaths were off in an instant; when
blushing still more at this new liberty, he got under the bed-cloaths
I held up to receive him, and was now in bed with a
woman for the first time in his life.
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N27 Here began the usual tender preliminaries, as delicious
perhaps as the crowning act of enjoyment itself; which they
often beget an impatience of, that makes pleasure destructive of
itself, by hurrying on the final period, and closing that scene of
bliss, in which the actors are generally too well pleas'd with
their parts, not to wish them an eternity of duration.
\SFanny 1.81 :
\N33 When we had sufficiently graduated our advances towards
the main point, by toying, kissing, clipping, feeling my
breasts, now round and plump, feeling that part of me I might
call a furnace-mouth, from the prodigious intense heat his fiery
touches had rekindled there; my young sportsman, embolden'd
by every freedom he could wish, wantonly takes my hand, and
carries it to that enormous machine of his, that stood with a
stiffness! a hardness! an upward bent of erection! and which,
together with its bottom dependence, the inestimable bulse of
lady's jewels, form'd a grand show out of goods indeed! Then
\PFanny 1.82 :
\N1 its dimensions, mocking either grasp or span, almost renew'd
my terrors. I could not conceive how, or by what means, I could
take, or put such a bulk out of sight. I stroak'd it gently, on
which the mutinous rogue seem'd to swell, and gather a new
degree of fierceness and insolence; so that finding it grew not to
be trifl'd with any longer, I prepar'd for rubbers in good
earnest.
\SFanny 1.82 :
\N8 Slipping then a pillow under me, that I might give him the
fairest play, I guided officiously with my hand, this furious
battering-ram, whose ruby head presenting nearest the resemblance
of a heart, I applied to its proper mark, which lay as
finely elevated as we could wish; my hips being born up, and
my thighs at their utmost extension, the gleamy warmth that
shot from it, made him feel that he was at the mouth of the
indraught, and driving foreright, the powerfully divided lips of
that pleasure-thirsty channel receiv'd him. He hesistated a little;
then, settled well in the passage, he makes his way up the
streights of it, with a difficulty nothing more than pleasing,
widening as he went, so as to distend and smooth each soft
furrow: our pleasure increasing deliciously, in proportion as
our points of mutual touch increas'd, in that so vital part of me,
in which I had now taken him, all indriven, and compleatly
sheath'd, and which cram'd as it was, stretch'd spliting ripe,
gave it so gratefully strait an accommodation! so strict a fold! a
suction so fierce, that gave and took unutterable delight! We
had now reach'd the closest point of union; but when he
backen'd to come on the fiercer, as if I had been actuated by a
fear of losing him, in the height of my fury, I twist my legs
round his naked loins, the flesh of which, so firm, so springy to
the touch, quiver'd again under the pressure; and now I had him
{every way} encircled and begirt; and having drawn him home to
me, I kept him fast there, as if I had sought to unite bodies with
him at that point. This bred a pause of action, a pleasure stop;
whilst that delicate glutton, my neither-mouth, as full as it
could hold, kept palating, with exquisite relish, the morsel that
so deliciously ingorg'd it. But nature could not long endure a
pleasure that so highly provok'd without satisfying it; persuing
then its darling end, the battery recommenc'd with redoubled
exertion; nor lay I unactive on my side, but encountring him
with all the impetuosity of motion I was mistress of, the downy
cloathing of our meeting mounts, was now of real use to break
the violence of the tilt; and soon, too soon indeed! the high-wrought
\PFanny 1.83 :
\N1 agitation, the sweet urgency of this to-and-fro friction,
rais'd the titilation on me to its height, so that finding
myself on the point of going, and loath to leave the tender
partner of my joys behind me, I employ'd all the forwarding
motions and arts my experience suggested to me, to promote his
keeping me company to our journey's end. I not only then
tightened the pleasure-girth round my restless inmate, by a
secret spring of suction and compression, that obeys the will in
those parts, but stole my hand softly to that store bag of nature's
prime sweets, which is so pleasingly attach'd to its conduit-pipe,
from which we receive them; there feeling, and most
gently indeed squeezing those tender globular reservoirs, the
magic touch took instant effect, quicken'd, and brought on
upon the spur, the symptoms of that sweet agony, the melting
moment of dissolution, when pleasure dies by pleasure, and the
mysterious engine of it overcomes the titillation it has rais'd in
those parts, by plying them with the stream of a warm liquid,
that is itself the highest of all titillations, and which they
thirstily express, and draw in like the hot-natured leach, who,
to cool itself, tenaciously attracts all the moisture within its
sphere of exsuction: chiming then to me, with exquisite consent,
as I melted away, his oily balsamic injection mixing
deliciously with the sluices in flow from me, sheath'd and
blunted all the stings of pleasure, whilst it flung us into an
extacy, that extended us fainting, breathless, entranced. Thus
we lay, whilst a voluptuous languor possest, and still maintain'd
us motionless, and fast lock'd in one another's arms. Alass! that
these delights should be no longer-liv'd! for now the point of
pleasure, unedg'd by enjoyment, and all the brisk sensations
flatten'd upon us, resign'd us up to the cool cares of insipid life.
Disengaging myself then from his embrace, I made him sensible
of the reasons there were for his present leaving me; on which,
tho' reluctantly, he put on his cloaths with as little expedition,
however, as he could help, wantonly interrupting himself
between the whiles, with kisses, touches, and embraces, I could not
refuse myself too; yet he happily return'd to his master before
he was miss'd; but at taking leave, I forc'd him (for he had
sentiments enough to refuse it) to receive money enough to buy
a silver watch, that great article of subaltern finery, which he at
length accepted of as a remembrance he was carefully to
preserve of my affections.
\SFanny 1.83 :
\N42 And here, Madam, I ought perhaps to make you an apology
\PFanny 1.84 :
\N1 for this minute detail of things, that dwelt so strongly upon my
memory after so {deep} an impression. But besides that this
intrigue bred one great revolution in my life, which historical
truth requires I should not sink upon you; may I not presume
that so exalted a pleasure ought not to be ungratefully forgotten
or suppress'd by me, because I found it in a character in low life,
where, by the bye, it is oftner met with, purer and more
unsophisticate, than amongst the false ridiculous refinements
with which the great suffer themselves to be so grossly cheated
by their pride: the great! than whom, there exist few amongst
those they call the vulgar, who are more ignorant of, or who
cultivate less, the art of living than they do: they, I say, who for
ever mistake things the more foreign to the nature of pleasure
itself, whose capital favourite object is enjoyment of beauty,
wherever that rare invaluable gift is found, without distinction
of birth or station.
\SFanny 1.84 :
\N17 As love never had, so now revenge had no longer any share in
my commerce with this handsome youth. The sole pleasures of
enjoyment were now the link I held to him by: for though
nature had done such great matters for him in his outward form,
and especially in that superb piece of furniture she had so
liberally enrich'd him with; though he was thus qualify'd to
give the senses their richest feast, still there was something more
wanting to create in me, and constitute the passion of love. Yet
{Will} had very good qualities too, gentle, tractable, and above all
grateful: silentious, even to a fault; he spoke at any time very
little, but made it up emphatically with action; and to do him
justice, he never gave me the least reason to complain either of
any tendency to encroach upon me for the liberties I allow'd
him, or of his indiscretion in blabing them. There is then a
fatality in love, or have lov'd him I must; for he was really a
treasure, a bit for the {bonne bouche} of a duchess: and, to say
the truth, my liking for him was so extreme, that it was
distinguishing very nicely to deny that I lov'd him.
\SFanny 1.84 :
\N35 My happiness, however, with him did not last long, but
found an end from my own imprudent neglect. After having
taken even superfluous precautions against a discovery, our
success in repeated meetings embolden'd me to omit the barely
necessary ones.(--)About a month after our first intercourse, one
fatal morning (the season Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} rarely, or never visited me
in) I was in my closet, where my toilette stood, in nothing but
my shift, a bed-gown, and under-petty-coat. {Will} was with me,
\PFanny 1.85 :
\N1 and both ever too well dispos'd to baulk an opportunity: for my
part, a warm whim, a wanton toy had just taken me, and I had
challeng'd my man to execute it on the spot, who hesitated not
to comply with my humour; I was sat in the arm-chair, my shift
and petty-coat up, my thighs widespread, and mounted over
the arms of the chair, presenting the fairest mark to {Will}'s drawn
weapon, which he stood in act to plunge into me, when, having
neglected to secure the chamber door, and that of the closet
standing a-jar, Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} stole in upon us, before either of us
was aware, and saw us precisely in these convicting attitudes.
\SFanny 1.85 :
\N11 I gave a great scream, and drop'd my petty-coat: the
thunderstruck lad stood trembling and pale, waiting his sentence
of death. Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} look'd sometimes at one, sometimes
at the other, with a mixture of indignation and scorn, and,
without saying a word, spun upon his heel, and went out.
\SFanny 1.85 :
\N16 As confus'd as I was, I heard him very distinctly turn the key,
and lock the chamber-door upon us, so that there was no escape
but through the dining-room, where he himself was walking
about with distemper'd strides, stamping in a great chafe, and
doubtless debating what he should do with us.
\SFanny 1.85 :
\N21 In the mean time poor {William} was frighten'd out of his
senses, and as much need as I had of spirits to support myself, I
was oblig'd to employ them all to keep his a little up: The
misfortune I had now brought upon him, endear'd him the
more to me, and I could have joyfully suffer'd any punishment
he had not shar'd in. I water'd plentifully with my tears the face
of the frighten'd youth, who sat, not having strength to stand, as
cold and as lifeless as a statue.
\SFanny 1.85 :
\N29 Presently Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} comes in to us again, and made us go
before him into the dining-room, trembling and dreading the
issue: Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-} sat down on a chair, whilst we stood like
criminals under examination; and, beginning with me, ask'd me
with an even firm tone of voice, neither soft nor severe, but
cruelly indifferent, what I could say for myself for having
abus'd him in so unworthy a manner, with his own servant too,
and how he had deserv'd this of me?
\SFanny 1.85 :
\N37 Without adding to the guilt of my infidelity that of an
audacious defence of it, in the old style of a common kept Miss,
my answer was modest, and often interrupted by my tears, in
substance as follows: "[That I had never had a single thought of
wronging him (which was true) till I had seen him taking the last
liberties with my servant-wench, (here he colour'd prodigiously)
\PFanny 1.86 :
\N1 and that my resentments at that which I was over-aw'd
from giving a vent to by complaints, or explanations with him,
had driven me to a course that I did not pretend to justify; but
that as to the young man, he was entirely faultless, for that in the
view of making him the instrument of my revenge, I had downright
seduc'd him to what he had done, and therefore hop'd,
whatever he determin'd about me, he would distinguish
between the guilty and the innocent; and that, for the rest, I was
entirely at his mercy."]
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N10 Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, on hearing what I said, hung his head a little; but
instantly recovering himself, he said to me, as near as I can
retain, to the following purpose:
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N13 "[Madam, I take shame to myself, and confess you have fairly
turn'd the tables upon me.(--)It is not with one of your cast of
breeding and sentiments that I should enter into a discussion of
the very great difference of the provocations: be it sufficient
that I allow you so much reason on your side, as to have
changed my resolutions, in consideration of what you reproach
me with: and I own too, that your clearing that rascal there is
fair and honest in you: renew with you I cannot; the affront is
too gross: I give you a week's warning, to go out of these
lodgings: whatever I have given you, remains to you; and as I
never intend to see you more, the landlord will pay you fifty
pieces on my account, with which, and every debt paid, I hope
you will own I do not leave you in a worse condition that what
I took you up in, or than you deserve of me.(--)Blame yourself
only that it is no better."]
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N28 Then, without giving me time to reply, he addrest himself to
the young fellow.
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N30 "[For you, spark, I shall for your father's sake take care of
you: the town is no place for such an easy fool as thou art; and
to-morrow you shall set out under the charge of one of my men,
well recommended, in my name, to your father, not to let you
return and be spoilt here.["]]
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N35 At these words he went out, after my vainly attempting to
stop him, by throwing myself at his feet: he took me off, though
he seem'd greatly mov'd too, and took {Will} away with him,
who, I dare swear, thought himself very cheaply off.
\SFanny 1.86 :
\N39 I was now once more a-drift, and left upon my own hands,
by a gentleman whom I certainly did not deserve. And all the
letters, arts, friends entreaties that I employ'd within the week
of grace in my lodging, could never win on him so much as to
\PFanny 1.87 :
\N1 see me again. He had irrevocably pronounc'd my doom, and
submission to it was my only part. Soon after he married a lady
of birth and fortune, to whom I have heard he prov'd an
irreproachable husband.
\SFanny 1.87 :
\N5 As for poor {Will}, he was immediately sent down to the
country, to his father, who was an easy farmer, where he was
nor four months before an inn-keeper's buxom young widow,
with a very good stock both in money and trade, fancy'd, and
perhaps pre-acquainted with his secret excellencies, marry'd
him; and I am sure there was at least one good foundation for
their living happily together.
\SFanny 1.87 :
\N12 Though I should have been charm'd to see him before he
went, such measures were taken by Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}'s orders that it
was impossible; otherwise I should certainly have endeavour'd
to detain him in town, and would have spar'd neither offers nor
expence to have procur'd myself the satisfaction of keeping him
with me, he had such powerful holds upon my inclinations as
were not easily to be shaken off or replac'd; as to my heart, it
was quite out of the question: glad however I was from my soul
that nothing worse, and, as things turn'd out, probably nothing
better could have happen'd to him.
\SFanny 1.87 :
\N22 As to Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, though views of conveniency made me at
first exert myself to regain his affection, I was giddy and
thoughtless enough to be much easier reconcil'd to my failure
than I ought to have been; but as I never had lov'd him, and his
leaving me gave me a sort of liberty that I had often long'd for, I
was soon comforted; and flattering myself that the stock of
youth and beauty I was going into trade with, could hardly fail
of procuring me a maintenance, I saw myself under a necessity
of trying my fortune with them, rather with pleasure and
gayety, than with the least idea of despondence.
\SFanny 1.87 :
\N32 In the mean time, several of my acquaintance amongst the
sister-hood, who had soon got wind of my misfortune, flock'd
to insult me with their malicious consolations: most of them
had long envied me the affluence and splendour I had been
maintain'd in; and though there was scarce one of them that did
not at least deserve to be in my case, and would probably sooner
or later come to it, it was equally easy to remark, even in their
affected pity, their secret pleasure at seeing me thus disgrac'd
and discarded, and their secret grief that it was still no worse
with me. Unaccountable malice of the human heart! and which
is not confin'd to the class of life they were of.
\PFanny 1.88 :
\SFanny 1.88 :
\N1 But as the time approach'd for me to come to some resolution
how to dispose of myself, and I was considering round where to
shift my quarters to, Mrs#. {Cole}, a middle-aged discreet sort of
woman, who had been brought into my acquaintance by one of
the misses that visited me, upon learning my situation, came to
offer her cordial advice and service to me; and as I had always
taken to her more than to any of my female acquaintance, I
listen'd the easier to her proposals; and as it happen'd, I could
not have put myself into worse, or into better hands in all
{London}; into worse, because keeping a house of conveniency,
there were no lengths in lewdness she would not advise me to go
in compliance with her customers, no schemes of pleasure, or
even unbounded debauchery, she did not take even a delight in
promoting: into better, because no body having had more
experience of the wicked part of the town than she had, was
fitter to advise and guard one against the worst dangers of our
profession; and what was rare to be met with in those of her's,
she contented herself with a moderate living profit upon her
industry and good offices, and had nothing of their greedy
rapacious turn. She was really too a gentlewoman born, and
bred, but through a train of accidents reduc'd to this course,
which she pursued partly through necessity, partly through
choice, as never woman delighted more in encouraging a brisk
circulation of the trade, for the sake of the trade itself, or better
understood all the mysteries and refinements of it, than she did;
so that she was consummately at the top of her profession, and
dealt only with customers of distinction: to answer the
demands of whom she kept a competent number of her
daughters in constant recruit: so she call'd those whom their
youth and personal charms recommended to her adoption and
management: several of whom, by her means, and through her
tuition and instructions, succeeded very well in the world.
\SFanny 1.88 :
\N33 This useful gentlewoman, upon whose protection I now
threw myself, having her reasons of state, respecting Mr#.
{H#-#-#-#-}, for not appearing too much in the thing herself, sent a
friend of her's, on the day appointed for my removal, to
conduct me to my new lodgings, at a brush-makers in
{R#-#-#-#-street, Covent}-Garden, the very next door to her own
house, where she had no conveniences to lodge me herself;
lodgings, that by having been for several successions tentanted
by ladies of pleasure, the landlord of them was familiariz'd
to their ways; and provided, the rent was duly paid, every
\PFanny 1.89 :
\N1 thing else was as easy and as commodious as one could
desire.
\SFanny 1.89 :
\N3 The fifty guineas promis'd me by Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, at his parting
with me, having been duly paid me, all my cloaths and moveables
chested up, which were at least of two hundred pounds
value, I had them convey'd into the coach, where I soon
follow'd them, after taking a civil leave of the landlord and his
family, with whom I had never liv'd in a degree of familiarity
enough to regret the removal; but still, the very circumstance of
its being a removal, drew tears from me. I left too a letter of
thanks for Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, from whom I concluded myself, as I
really was, irretrievably separated.
\SFanny 1.89 :
\N13 My maid I had discharged the day before, not only because I
had her of Mr#. {H#-#-#-#-}, but that I suspected her of having some
how or other been the occasion of his discovering me, in
revenge perhaps for my not having trusted her in it.
\SFanny 1.89 :
\N17 We were soon got to my lodgings, which, though not so
handsomely furnish'd, nor so showy as those I left, were to the
full as convenient, and at half price, though on the first floor.
My trunks were safely landed, and stow'd in my apartments,
where my neighbour and now governante, Mrs#. {Cole}, was
ready with my landlord to receive me, to whom she took care to
set me out in the most favourable light, that of one from whom
there was the clearest reason to expect the regular payment of
his rent: all the cardinal virtues attributed to me would not have
had half the weight of that recommendation alone.
\SFanny 1.89 :
\N27 I was now settled in lodgings of my own, abandon'd to my
own conduct, and turn'd loose upon the town, to sink or swim,
as I could manage with the current of it: and what were the
consequences, together with the number of adventures which
befell me in the exercise of my new profession, will compose the
matter of another letter; for, surely, it is high time to put a
period to this.
\SFanny 1.89 :
\N34 {I am},
{MADAM},
{Yours, &c#. &c#. &c#.}
* * * * * *