*117
#68 $
A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER $
01 ROSES ... NOT MUCH OF A SHOW OF ROSES . $
03 NOT BAD . $
01 ONIONS ... HARDLY A BUMPER CROP WOULD YOU SAY ? $
03 I SUPPOSE NOT . $
01 EARWIGS AT THE DAHLIAS . $
YOU REMEMBER , WHEN YOU WERE A BOY , YOU REMEMBER OUR GREAT
SLAUGHTER OF EARWIGS ? $
03 I REMEMBER . $
01 YOU SEE THE DAHLIAS ? $
03 YES . $
01 DESCRIBE THEM FOR ME . $
PAINT ME THE PICTURE ... $
03 WELL , THEY 'RE RED ... AND YELLOW . $
AND BLOWSY ... $
01 BLOWSY ? $
03 THEY LOOK SORT OF OVER-RIPE . $
MIDDLE-AGED ... $
01 EARWIG TRAPS IN PLACE , ARE THEY ? $
03 THEY 'RE IN PLACE . $
01 WHEN YOU WERE A BOY , WE OFTEN BAGGED A HUNDRED EARWIGS I
N A SINGLE FORAY ! $
DO YOU REMEMBER ? $
03 I REMEMBER . $
MY FATHER WASN'T ALWAYS BLIND ... $
THE THREE OF US LIVED IN A SMALL HOUSE SURROUNDED , AS IF FO
R PROTECTION , BY AN ENORMOUS GARDEN . $
HE WAS DRIVEN TO THE STATION , WHERE HE CAUGHT A TRAIN TO LO
NDON AND THE LAW COURTS , TO HIS WORK AS A BARRISTER IN A GR
EAT HEARSELIKE MOTOR WHICH HE WOULD NO MORE HAVE THOUGHT OF
REPLACING EVERY YEAR THAN HE WOULD HAVE ACCEPTED A DIFFERENT
 KIND OF SUIT OR A NEW GARDENING HAT . $
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE HE RETURNED TO THE SAFETY OF THE DAHLIAS
, THE RITUAL OF THE EVENING EARWIG HUNT . $
VISITORS WERE RARE AND , IF SPOTTED - CALLING FROM THE GATE
- MY FATHER WOULD MOVE DEEPER INTO THE FOLIAGE UNTIL THE DAN
GER WAS PAST . $
THOSE WHERE THE DAYS WHEN MY FATHER COULD SEE ... BEFORE I W
ENT AWAY TO SCHOOL . $
WHEN IT WAS ALWAYS A HOT AFTERNOON AND A GIRL CALLED IRIS TA
UGHT ME TO WHISTLE . $
01 WHERE 'S THE BOY GOT TO ? $
02 HE 'S SOMEWHERE ... $
01 RUNNING WILD ! $
05 STICK OUT YOUR LIPS . $
STICK THEM OUT FAR . $
GO ON . $
FURTHER THAN THAT . $
MUCH FURTHER . $
NOW BLOW . $
NOT TOO HARD . $
BLOW GENTLY . $
GENTLY NOW . $
DON'T LAUGH . $
TAKE IT SERIOUSLY . $
BLOW ! $
03 WHAT WAS THAT ? $
05 WHAT DO YOU MEAN - WHAT WAS THAT ? $
03 SOMEONE WHISTLED . $
05 IT WAS YOU . $
03 ME ? $
05 IT WAS YOU WHISTLING ! $
03 I CAN DO IT ! $
I KNOW HOW TO DO IT ! $
05 WELL , YOU 'VE LEARNT SOMETHING ... $
01 I SAID - THE BOY 'S PROBABLY RUNNING WILD . $
02 OH , I DON'T THINK SO . $
01 OH YES HE IS . $
AND A GOOD THING TOO . $
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY IN AFRICA , THEY SENT ME OFF - ALL BY
  MYSELF - TO A SMALL HOTEL UP COUNTRY TO RUN WILD FOR THREE
 MONTHS . $
I TOOK MY BIRTHDAY CAKE WITH ME AND KEPT IT UNDER MY BED . $
#69 $
I WELL REMEMBER ... WHEN MY BIRTHDAY CAME ROUND I TOOK THE C
AKE OUT , SAT ON MY BED AND ATE IT . $
THAT WAS MY CELEBRATION ! $
02 HE 'LL SOON BE GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL ... $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
02 HE 'LL BE GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL , BEFORE WE KNOW WHERE WE
ARE ... $
01 ' SHE WAS AS BEE ... EAUTIFUL AS A BUTTERFLY AND AS PROUD
AS A QUEEN WAS PRETTY LITTLE POLLY PERKINS OF PADDINGTON GRE
EN ... ' $
03 ONE DAY HE BOUGHT A LADDER FOR PRUNING THE APPLE TREES .
$
HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BRANCH OF A TREE AND THE RETINAS LEFT
 THE BALLS OF HIS EYES . $
03 THAT 'S THE WAY I LOOKED TO MY FATHER FROM CHILDHOOD UPWA
RDS . $
THAT 'S HOW MY WIFE AND HIS GRANDCHILDREN LOOKED ... $
MY FATHER WAS BLIND BUT WE NEVER MENTIONED IT . $
03 HE HAD A GREAT DISINCLINATION TO MENTION ANYTHING UNPLEAS
ANT . $
WHAT WAS THAT ? $
COURAGE , COWARDICE , INDIFFERENCE OR CARING TOO COMPLETELY
? $
WHY DIDN'T HE BLASPHEME , BEAT HIS BRAINS AGAINST THE PITCH
BLACK SITTING ROOM WALLS ? $
WHY DIDN'T HE CURSE GOD ? $
HE HAD A GREAT CAPACITY FOR RAGE - BUT NEVER AT THE UNIVERSE
 . $
01 TAKE IT AWAY ! $
THIS PLATE 'S STONE COLD ! $
MY EGG ! $
IT 'S BLOODY RUNNY ! $
IT 'S IN A NAUSEATING CONDITION ! $
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ? $
CHOKE ME TO DEATH ? $
HAVE YOU ALL GONE MAD ? $
AM I TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY CRETINS ? $
HE ASKED HER FOR TO MARRY HIM SHE SAID ' YOU 'RE VERY KIND '
 BUT TO MARRY OF A MILKMAN SHE DIDN'T FEEL INCLINED BUT WHEN
 SHE GOT MARRIED , THAT HARD-HEARTED GIRL , IT WASN'T TO A V
ISCOUNT , IT WASN'T TO AN EARL , IT WASN'T TO A MARQUIS , BU
T A SHADE OR TWO WUS ! $
IT WAS TO THE BOW-LEGGED CONDUCTOR OF A TWOPENNY BUS ! $
02 MARMALADE , DEAR ? $
01 THANK YOU . $
THE EVOLUTION OF THE HORSE WAS CERTAINLY A MOST TORTUOUS PRO
CESS . $
NONE OF YOUR SEVEN DAY NONSENSE . $
SEVEN DAYS' LABOUR WOULDN'T EVOLVE ONE PRIMITIVE EARTH WORM
. $
SHE WAS AS BEAUTIFUL AS A BUTTERFLY , AND AS PROUD AS A QUEE
N WAS PRETTY LITTLE POLLY PERKINS OF PADDINGTON GREEN ! $
IS THE BOY STILL THERE ? $
02 YES . $
01 I THOUGHT HE 'D GONE AWAY TO SCHOOL . $
02 THIS AFTERNOON . $
MR LEAN 'S GOING TO DRIVE HIM THERE AT HALF-PAST THREE ... $
01 HALF-PAST THREE , EH ? $
02 YES , DEAR . $
MR. LEAN 'S GOING TO DRIVE HIM . $
01 YOU 'LL LEARN HOW TO CONSTRUCT AN EQUILATERAL HEXAGON AND
 THE LATIN WORD FOR PARSLEY . $
TOTALLY USELESS INFORMATION ! $
02 DON'T TELL HIM THAT , DEAR . $
01 WHY NOT ? $
02 IT 'LL DEPRESS THE BOY . $
01 HE 'LL SOON FIND OUT . $
ALL EDUCATION 'S PERFECTLY USELESS . $
BUT IT FILLS IN THE TIME ! $
THE BOY CAN'T SIT AROUND HERE ALL DAY , UNTIL HE GETS OLD EN
OUGH FOR MARRIAGE . $
HE CAN'T SIT ROUND - DOING THE CROSSWORD . $
02 I THINK EDUCATION 'S WONDERFUL . $
01 NO ONE EVER GOT A WORD OF SENSE OUT OF A SCHOOLMASTER . $
IF THEY KNEW ANYTHING THEY 'D BE OUT DOING IT . $
THAT 'LL BE YOUR MISFORTUNE FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS , TO BE C
ONSTANTLY RUBBING UP AGAINST SECOND-RATE MINDS . $
02 HE SHOULD RESPECT THEM ... $
01 DON'T RESPECT ANYBODY ! $
PARTICULARLY IF THEY GIVE YOU ADVICE - ON THE SUBJECT OF LIF
E . $
AT A PINCH YOU MAY TAKE THEIR WORD ON EQUILATERAL HEXAGONS .
.. BUT REMEMBER ! $
LIFE 'S A CLOSED BOOK TO SCHOOLMASTERS . $
02 WE 'LL FINISH YOUR TRUNK THIS AFTERNOON . $
01 YOU WON'T EXPECT ANY ADVICE FROM ME , WILL YOU ? $
ALL ADVICE 'S PERFECTLY USELESS ... $
02 I 'VE STILL GOT TO MARK YOUR HOCKEY STICK . $
01 YOU 'RE ALONE IN THE WORLD , REMEMBER . $
NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT . $
WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH THE BOY ? $
02 I THINK HE 'S CRYING . $
01 SAY THE WORD ' RATS ' . $
NO ONE CAN CRY WHEN THEY 'RE SAYING THE WORD ' RATS ' . $
IT HAS TO DO WITH THE MUSCLES OF THE FACE . $
04 RATS . $
03 MR RINGER LEAN WAS AN EX-JOCKEY WHO DROVE MY FATHER'S ANT
IQUE MARRIS OXFORD . $
HE TREATED IT AS THOUGH IT WERE A NERVOUS STALLION . $
12 CAR 'S LAZY TODAY . $
GOING DON'T SUIT HER . $
SHIT SCARED ARE YOU ? $
BEING SENT AWAY ... $
03 I WAS TO BE PREPARED FOR LIFE . $
COMPLETE WITH HOUSE SHOES , GYM SHOES , FOOTBALL BOOTS , SHI
RTS GREY , SHIRTS WHITE , BULLDOG DRUMMOND , MINT HUMBUGS ,
 BOXING GLOVES , SPONGE BAGS , AND MY SEATING PLANS FOR ALL
THE LONDON THEATRES ... $
04 YES . $
12 THEY SENT ME AWAY WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE . $
NEWMARKET HEATH . $
BOUND AS A STABLE LAD . $
BLOODY TERRIFIED I WAS , AT YOUR AGE ... $
04 WERE YOU ? $
12 THEY SHOULDN'T SEND YOU AWAY . $
YOU 'RE GOING TO DEVELOP TOO TALL FOR A JOCKEY . $
04 I DON'T THINK THEY WANT ME TO BE A JOCKEY ... $
12 BROKE A FEW BONES , I DID - FIRST THEY SENT ME AWAY . $
RIBS FRACTURED . $
COLLAR BONE SMASHED . $
PELVIS POUNDED TO PIECES . $
BAD MOUNTS ... $
BAD GOVERNORS ... $
WHEN A GOVERNOR GETS AFTER YOU , YOU WANT TO KNOW ... $
044WHAT ? $
12 GET TO THE HAY LOFT , AND PULL THE LADDER UP AFTER YOU .
$
THEY CAN'T CLIMB . $
RECALL THAT . $
GOVERNORS CAN'T CLIMB . $
OFTEN I 'VE HID UP IN THE HAY LOFT ONE , TWO , THREE HOURS S
OMETIMES . $
TILL THE GOVERNOR GOT A WINNER , AND CHANGE OF HEART . $
SLEPT UP THERE OFTEN . $
ALL RIGHT WHEN THE RATS DON'T NIP YOU . $
04 THANKS . $
12 ONLY ADVICE I GOT TO GIVE YOU ... NEVER AVOID A MOUNT . $
LAD AT OUR STABLE AVOIDED A HALF-BROKEN TWO-YEAR-OLD . $
NASTY TEMPERED ONE WITH A DUFF EYE . $
THIS LAD WAS SO SHIT SCARED TO RIDE IT , THAT YOU KNOW WHAT
HE DID ? $
04 NO ... $
12 NOBBLED HIMSELF WITH A BLUNT RAZOR BLADE . $
SEVERED A TENDON . $
THEN GANGRENE . $
LAD HAD TO KISS HIS LEG GOODBYE . $
#70 $
04 IT 'S NOT REALLY A STABLE ... $
12 SO NEVER TRY AND NOBBLE YOURSELF . $
THAT 'S MY ADVICE . $
OR STERILISE THE BLADE . $
HOLD IT IN A FLAME . $
KILL THE GERMS ON IT ! $
04 IT 'S MORE A SCHOOL THAN A STABLE ... $
12 WHEREVER THERE 'S LADS , I EXPECT IT 'S MUCH THE SAME ...
 $
03 EVERYONE WARNED ME - BUT THIS WAS A GREAT DEAL WORSE THAN
 I 'D EXPECTED . $
06 NOW , NEW BOYS . $
STAND UP NOW . $
LET ME LOOK AT YOU . $
SOME DAY , SOME LONG DISTANT DAY , YOU WILL BE ONE-YEARERS ,
AND THEN TWO-YEARERS , AND THEN THREE-YEARERS . $
YOU WILL GO AWAY , AND YOU WILL WRITE LETTERS , AND I SHALL
TRY HARD TO REMEMBER YOU . $
THEN YOU 'LL BE OLD BOYS . $
OLD CLIFFHANGERS . $
OC'S YOU SHALL BECOME , AND THE FRUIT OF YOUR LOINS SHALL AT
TEND THE SHOOL BY THE WATER . $
LEAVE THE ROOM THE BOY WHO LAUGHED . $
THE FRUIT OF YOUR LOINS SHALL RETURN AND STAND HERE , EVEN A
S YOU STAND HERE . $
AND WE SHALL TEACH THEM . $
WE SHALL GIVE THEM SOUND ADVICE . $
SO THE HUNGRY GENERATIONS OF BOYS SHALL LEARN NOT TO EAT PEA
S WITH THEIR KNIVES , OR BUTTER THEIR HAIR , OR CLEAN THEIR
FINGERNAILS WITH BUS TICKETS . $
YOU SHALL BE TAUGHT TO WASH AND BOWL STRAIGHT AND WIPE YOUR
DIRTY NOSES . $
WHEN YOU ARE IN THE SIXTH FORM YOU SHALL SEE SOMETHING OF GO
LF . $
YOU WILL LOOK ON THE STAFF AS YOUR FRIENDS . $
AT ALL TIMES YOU WILL CALL US BY NICK-NAMES . $
I AM NOAH . $
MY WIFE IS MRS NOAH . $
YOU ARE THE ANIMALS . $
MY SON LANCE IS SHEM . $
MR PEARCE AND MR BOX ARE HAM AND JAPHET . $
MATEY IS MATEY . $
MR BINGO OLLARD IS MR BINGO OLLARD . $
THESE MYSTERIES HAVE I EXPOUNDED TO YOU , OH LITTER OF RUNTS
 . $
03 THE MASTER WHO TAUGHT US STILL SUFFERS FROM SHELLSHOCK AN
D BATTLE FATIGUE . $
SOME HAD SHRAPNEL LODGED IN THEIR BODIES AND THE CLASSROOM W
OULD TURN , ONLY TOO EASILY , INTO ANOTHER PARSCHENDALE . $
16 THE SQUARE ON THE LONGEST SIDE OF RIGHT-ANGLED BLOODY TRI
ANGLE IS ... IS WHAT , BOY ? $
04 I DON'T KNOW ... $
16 STRAFF YOU , BOY . $
BOMB AND HOWITZER AND STRAFF THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU
 . $
GOD BOMB YOU TO HELL ! $
GET YOUR TIN HAT ON ... ! $
IT 'S COMING OVER NOW ! $
IT 'S EQUAL TO THE SQUARE ... $
WHAT SQUARE , YOU UNFORTUNATE CRETIN ? ! $
ON THE OTHER TWO SIDES . $
RIGHT ANGLED TRIANGLE ! $
ALL NIGHT . $
STRAFF YOU ALL NIGHT . $
SHELL AND HOWITZER YOU ! $
BOMB YOU TO HELL ! $
ALL RIGHT . $
ALL RIGHT . $
WAR 'S OVER ... $
ARMISTICE DAY . $
DEMOB . $
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ... COMPENSATION ? $
04 IF YOU LIKE , SIR . $
16 HOW MANY BOOKS DID I THROW ? $
04 SIX , SIR . $
NOT COUNTING THE DUSTER . $
16 THREEPENCE A BOOK AND SAY A PENNY THE DUSTER . $
IS THAT FAIR ? $
04 I 'D SAY SO , SIR . $
16 IS THAT ONE AND SIX ? $
04 I THINK IT 'S ONE AND SEVENPENCE , SIR . $
03 FROM HAM I LEARNT THE HEALING POWER OF MONEY . $
01 I AM WRITING TO YOU WAITING OUTSIDE THE PRESIDENT'S COURT
 TO START A DIVORCE CASE . $
LIKE ALL DIVORCE CASES , THIS ONE IS CONCERNED WITH SEX , WH
ICH YOU WILL FIND TO BE A SUBJECT FILLED WITH COMIC RELIEF .
.. $
THE BEST PART OF DIVORCE IS THAT IT IS FILLED WITH COMIC REL
IEF ... $
PEARSON DUPRAY , KC , WHO IS AGIN ME IN THIS CASE IS NOT A F
OEMAN WORTHY OF MY STEEL . $
HE WILL NO DOUBT FUMBLE HIS CROSS-EXAMINATION AND MAY EVEN F
AIL TO PROVE MY ADULTERY ... ALTHOUGH GOD KNOWS ... I HAVE H
AD INCLINATION AND OPPORTUNITY TO SPARE . $
20 ' HALLELUJAH I 'M A BUM HALLELUJAH BUM AGAIN HALLELUJAH G
IVES US A HAND OUT ... TO REVIVE US AGAIN ... ' $
01 LIKE YOU , I SHALL TODAY BE RUBBING UP AGAINST A SECOND-R
ATE MIND ... $
03 JAPHET , THE SECOND MASTER , DID HIS UNSUCCESSFUL BEST TO
 IMPART POLISH . $
20 ' HALLELUJAH ... I 'M A BUM ... ' $
YOU KNOW WHAT A BUM IS ? $
04 YES , SIR . $
20 ' HALLELUJAH . $
BUM AGAIN ... $
HALLELUJAH , GIVES US A HAND OUT ... ' $
LOOK . $
NO ONE 'S GOING TO LAUGH IF YOU DO THREE SIMPLE CHORDS . $
SEE ? $
THREE SIMPLE CHORDS . $
LIKE THIS . $
ALWAYS . $
FOR EVERY TUNE . $
TAKE MY ADVICE , AND LOOK AS IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU 'RE DOING
. $
NO ONE 'S GOING TO LAUGH . $
YOU DON'T TIE THAT TIE OF YOURS PROPERLY . $
REMIND ME TO TEACH YOU TO TIE YOUR TIE . $
TAKE MY TIP , SING IN THE BACK OF YOUR NOSE - SO IT SOUNDS A
S IF YOU 'D CROSSED THE STATES BY RAILROAD ... $
' WHY DON'T YOU GO TO WORK LIKE ALL THE OTHER MEN DO ? $
HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO WORK WHEN THERE 'S NO FIT WORK
TO DO ... ? $
HALLELUJAH . $
I 'M A BUM ! ' $
JUST THREE SIMPLE CHORDS . $
DON'T GET AMBITIOUS . $
04 NO , I WON'T SIR . $
20 AND REMEMBER ABOUT YOUR TIE . $
TWICE OVER AND THEN UP . $
THAT WAY YOU GET THE BIG KNOT . $
LIKE HE WEARS IT . $
04 HE ? $
20 THE KING , OF COURSE . $
04 OH YES , SIR - OF COURSE . $
20 THE KING AND I - WE 'VE GET A LOT IN COMMON . $
04 YES , SIR . $
20 SAME TIE ... SAME TROUBLE . $
04 WHAT TROUBLE 'S THAT , SIR ? $
20 WOMAN TROUBLE ... $
DEEP , DEEP TROUBLE . $
JUST LIKE THE JOLLY OLD KING ... $
03 I KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT . $
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT LYDIA , A PALE RED-HEADED GIRL WHO SMEL
T VAGUELY OF MOTHBALLS AND WHO MADE OUR BEDS . $
THE KING AND JAPHET WERE TUSSLING WITH THE PROBLEMS FROM WHI
CH MY FATHER MADE HIS LIVING . $
01 YOU WILL BE PLEASED TO HEAR THAT I WON JIMPSON V JIMPSON
, THE WIFE BEING FOUND GUILTY OF INFIDELITY IN THE FRONT OF
 A DAIMLER PARKED IN HAMPSTEAD GARDEN SUBURB . $
A VITAL PART OF THE EVIDENCE CONSISTED OF FOORPRINTS ON THE
DASHBOARD ... $
THE CO-RESPONDENT WAS CONDEMNED IN COSTS . $
MY FINAL SPEECH LASTED TWO HOURS AND I MADE SEVERAL JOKES .
$
AT HOME WE HAVE BEEN PRICKING OUT KOREAN CHRYSANTHEMUM AND M
AKING MARMALADE . $
UNUSUALLY LARGE PLAGUE OF EARWIGS THIS YEAR ... $
07 DO YOU GET MANY LETTERS FROM HOME ? $
04 HULLO , REIGATE . $
ONCE A WEEK , I EXPECT ... $
07 KEEP THE ENVELOPES ... $
04 FOR THE STAMPS ... ? $
07 TO PUT THE FISH IN , ON SUNDAY NIGHT . $
THE FISH IS DISGUSTING . $
PUT IT IN ENVELOPES AND POST IT DOWN THE BOGS . $
04 WHY IN ENVELOPES ? $
07 WELL , YOU JUST CAN'T PUT BITS OF FISH , NOT STRAIGHT IN
YOUR POCKET . $
#71 $
IS YOUR MOTHER SLIM ? $
04 FAIRLY SLIM . $
07 IS YOUR FATHER GOOD AT GOLF ? $
04 PRETTY GOOD . $
07 MY MOTHER 'S SLIM AS A BLUEBELL . $
04 WELL , MINE 'S QUITE SLIM TOO REALLY . $
SHE GOES TO COCKTAIL PARTIES . $
07 SLIM AS A BLUEBELL ! $
WITH YELLOW EYES . $
04 YELLOW ? $
07 LIKE A PANTHER . $
04 OH , I SEE . $
07 VERY SMALL FEET . $
HIGH HEELS , OF COURSE . $
DOES YOUR MOTHER WEAR HIGH HEELS ? $
04 WHENEVER SHE GOES TO COCKTAIL PARTIES . $
SHE WEARS THEM THEN . $
07 MY MOTHER WEARS HIGH HEELS . $
EVEN AT BREAKFAST . $
OF COURSE , SHE 'S SLIM AS A BLUEBELL ... $
03 BUT ARMISTICE DAY BROUGHT EMBARRASSING REVELATIONS . $
WE WERE ABLE TO SEE THOSE FROM WHOSE LOINS , AS NOAH WOULD S
AY , WE HAD ACTUALLY SPRUNG . $
06 LET US PRAY ... $
OH LORD , INASMUCH AS WE ARE PARADED NOW ON LOWER SCHOOL FIE
LD ON THIS , ARMISTICE DAY , NOVEMBER THE ELEVENTH , 1936 ,
 HELP US TO REMEMBER THOSE OC'S WHO FELL UPON ALIEN SOIL IN
THE LATE GREAT MATCH . $
GRANT US THEIR SPIRIT , WE BESEECH THEE , THAT WE MAY GO ' O
VER THE TOP ' TO OUR COMMON ENTRANCE AND OUR FOOTBALL FIXTUR
ES , ARMED WITH THE ' COLD STEEL ' OF THY HOLY WORD . $
GIVE US , IF THY WILL BE DONE , THE GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO SHE
D OUR BLOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY AND OUR BELOVED SCHOOL , AND FIL
L US WITH THAT FEELING OF SPORTSMANSHIP WHICH LED OUR FATHER
S TO FIX BAYONETS AND PLAY UNTIL THE LAST WHISTLE BLEW . $
28 ' LORD GOD OF HOSTS BE WITH US YET LEST WE FORGET ... $
LEST WE FORGET ... ' $
01 ' SHE WAS AS BEE-AUTIFUL AS A BUTTERFLY AND AS PROUD AS A
 QUEEN WAS PRETTY LITTLE POLLY PERKINS OF PADDINGTON GREEN .
 ' $
03 OUR PARENTS , IT WAS OBVIOUS , NEEDED A QUICK COATING OF
 ROMANCE . $
04 SHE DIDN'T LOOK MUCH LIKE A PANTHER . $
07 WHO ? $
04 AND YOUR MOTHER WASN'T EXACTLY A BLUEBELL EITHER ... $
07 MY MOTHER ? $
YOU 'VE NEVER SEEN MY MOTHER ... $
04 OF COURSE I HAVE . $
07 WHEN ? $
04 ON ARMISTICE DAY ... $
07 DON'T BE SO SIMPLE . $
THAT GOOD , HONEST WOMAN ISN'T MY REAL MOTHER . $
04 NOAH CALLED HER ' MRS REIGATE ' . $
I HEARD HIM DISTINCTLY . $
07 NOAH ONLY KNOWS WHAT 'S GOOD FOR HIM TO KNOW . $
THAT WAS NO MORE MY MOTHER THAN YOU ARE . $
04 WHO WAS SHE , THEN ? $
07 JUST THE DEAR , GOOD , OLD SOUL WHO PROMISED TO LOOK AFTE
R ME . $
04 WHEN ? $
07 WHEN THEY SMUGGLED ME OUT OF RUSSIA , AFTER THE REVOLUTIO
N . $
THEY SMUGGLED ME OUT IN A WICKERWORK TRUNK . $
I WAS TEN DAYS AND NIGHTS ON THE RACK IN THE CARRIAGE OF THE
 SIBERIAN RAILWAY . $
THEN WE GOT TO PARIS ... $
04 I THOUGHT ... $
07 THEY TRIED TO SHOOT US IN PARIS . $
ME AND MY BROTHER . $
BUT WE GOT AWAY , ACROSS THE FROZEN RIVER . $
04 I THOUGHT SIBERIA WAS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION . $
07 AND ESCAPED TO ENGLAND . $
THIS HONEST CHEMIST AND WIFE TOOK CARE OF US . $
SWEAR YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE ? $
04 ALL RIGHT . $
07 BY THE BLOOD OF MY FATHER ? $
04 IF YOU LIKE . $
I JUST HEARD FROM MY PARENTS , ACTUALLY . $
SOMETHING PRETTY SENSATIONAL . $
07 OH YES ? $
04 I THINK THEY 'RE PROBABLY ... GETTING DIVORCED . $
07 HONESTLY ? $
04 HONESTLY . $
07 WHY ? $
ARE THEY UNFAITHFUL ? $
04 OH , ALWAYS . $
AND I TOLD YOU . $
MY MOTHER GOES TO COCKTAIL PARTIES ... $
07 YOU 'LL BE HAVING A BROKEN HOME , THEN ? $
04 OH YES . $
I EXPECT I WILL ... $
03 BUT WHEN I GOT HOME , NOTHING HAD CHANGED . $
MY HOME REMAINED IMPERTURBABLY INTACT . $
AND , IN THE BRACKEN ON THE COMMON , IRIS HAD BUILT ME A HOU
SE . $
05 WHAT DO YOU LEARN AT SCHOOL ? $
04 WE LEARN LATIN . $
05 WHAT ELSE ? $
04 GREEK . $
05 SAY ' GOOD MORNING , WHAT A VERY NICE MORNING ' IN LATIN
. $
04 I DON'T KNOW HOW . $
05 ALL RIGHT . $
IN GREEK ... $
04 I CAN'T . $
05 WHY NOT ? $
04 THEY 'RE NOT THOSE SORT OF LANGUAGES . $
05 WHAT 'S THE POINT OF THEM , THEN ? $
04 THEY TRAIN ... THE MIND ... $
05 DO YOU STILL WHISTLE ? $
04 NOT AT SCHOOL . $
05 WHY NOT ? $
04 IT 'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU DON'T DO . $
LIKE PUTTING YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POCKETS . $
YOU DON'T WHISTLE , AND YOU DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS IN YOUR POC
KETS . $
05 WHY NOT ? $
04 YOU DON'T . $
THAT 'S ALL . $
05 HOW 'S YOUR MUM AND DAD ? $
04 QUARRELLING . $
05 I NEVER SEE THEM QUARREL . $
04 IT 'S LIFE ... $
THEY COME BACK FROM PARTIES , AND THEY QUARREL . $
05 I SHOULDN'T LIKE THAT . $
04 PERHAPS THEY 'RE NOT MY PARENTS , ANYWAY ... $
05 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
04 I SAID PERHAPS THEY 'RE NOT MY PARENTS . $
DON'T ASK ME TO EXPLAIN . $
05 I DIDN'T . $
04 WELL - DON'T . $
05 I SHAN'T . $
04 IT 'S JUST POSSIBLE , THEY 'RE NOT MY PARENTS . $
A VERY HONEST COUPLE , BUT NOT ... $
05 OF COURSE THEY 'RE YOUR PARENTS . $
DON'T BE IGNORANT . $
04 I 'M NOT IGNORANT . $
05 WHAT DO YOU KNOW ? $
04 I KNOW THE GERUND AND THE GERUNDIVE . $
#72 $
05 WHAT ARE THEY ? $
04 SOMETHING YOU HAVE . $
IN LATIN . $
AND I KNOW THE SECOND PERSON PLURAL FUTURE PASSIVE OF ROGO .
 $
05 WHAT IS IT ? $
04 ROGEBAMINI . $
05 WHAT 'S THAT MEAN ? $
04 IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING . $
IT 'S JUST THE FUTURE PASSIVE OF ROGO - THAT 'S ALL IT IS ..
 $
05 THIS IS OUR HOUSE . $
04 IS IT ? $
05 SHALL WE BE MOTHERS AND FATHERS ? $
04 I THINK I MIGHT FIND THAT A BIT PAINFUL , WHAT WITH THE S
ITUATION AT HOME . $
ANYWAY , I HAVEN'T GOT TIME . $
05 HAVEN'T YOU ... ? $
04 SOMEONE 'S COMING OVER TO SEE ME TODAY . $
05 SOMEONE ... ? $
04 FROM SCHOOL . $
HIS NAME 'S REIGATE , ACTUALLY . $
05 DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MOTHERS AND FATHERS ... $
TELL YOU WHAT . $
I 'LL LET YOU SEE ... $
04 I HAVE TO GET BACK . $
REIGATE 'S COMING TO STAY ... $
02 THERE 'S YOUR TEA , DARLING . $
BE CAREFUL NOW . $
07 CAN'T SEE MUCH SIGN OF DIVORCE IN THIS FAMILY . $
04 THEY 'RE PUTTING ON A SHOW - FOR THE VISITOR . $
01 WHAT 'S GOING ON ? $
02 IT 'S THE BOY TALKING TO REIGATE . $
01 TO WHO ? $
02 TO REIGATE ... $
HIS FRIEND . $
01 THE BOY HAS A FRIEND ? $
WELCOME , REIGATE ! $
WHAT 'S REIGATE LIKE , EH ? $
PAINT ME THE PICTURE ... $
02 HE 'S QUITE SMALL , AND ... $
04 HE 'S REALLY RUSSIAN ... $
01 RUSSIAN , EH ? $
WELL , THAT 'S SOMETHING OF AN ACHIEVEMENT ... $
WHEN I WAS A BOY AT SCHOOL I NEVER MINDED THE LESSONS . $
I JUST RESENTED HAVING TO WORK TERRIBLY HARD AT PLAYING . $
THEY DON'T ROAST YOU AT SCHOOLS NOW , I SUPPOSE ? $
I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT I 'M PAYING ALL THAT MONEY FOR IF THEY
DON'T ROAST YOU FROM TIME TO TIME ... $
02 DO YOU LIKE THE SCHOOL , REIGATE ? $
07 IT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
THE HEADMASTER MAKES US CALL HIM NOAH . $
04 AND HIS SON IS SHEM . $
07 AND WE HAVE TO CALL MR BOX AND MR PEARCE HAM AND JAPHET .
 $
AND WE 'RE THE ANIMALS . $
04 AND MR BINGO OLLARD IS MR BINGO OLLARD . $
01 DIDN'T I WARN YOU ? $
SECOND-RATE MINDS . $
07 WE 'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING TO KEEP YOU FROM THINKING OF
 YOUR GREAT UNHAPPINESS . $
02 OH ? $
07 WE 'RE GOING TO DO A PLAY . $
01 WHAT 'S THAT ? $
02 THEY 'RE GOING TO PUT ON AN ENTERTAINMENT . $
01 I LIKE AN ENTERTAINMENT . $
WHEN 'S IT TO BE ? $
04 THIS AFTERNOON . $
02 BETTER HURRY . $
MR LEAN 'S COMING TO DRIVE YOU BACK TO SCHOOL AT FOUR . $
01 WHAT IS IT ? $
SOMETHING OUT OF THE ' BOYS' OWN ' ? $
04 I WROTE IT . $
07 ACTUALLY WE 'RE TWO SUBALTERNS . $
KILLED ON THE SOMME . $
01 HM . $
THEY 'LL SOON BE GIVING US WAR AGAIN . $
WHEN IT COMES , REMEMBER THIS . $
AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO DO ANYTHING HEROIC . $
01 TELL ME WHAT 'S GOING ON . $
MAKE IT VIVID . $
02 THEY 'VE GOT YOUR BARBED WIRE . $
01 MY WHAT ? $
02 BARBED WIRE . $
01 PUT IT BACK , WON'T YOU ? $
WE DON'T WANT THE COWS IN . $
02 REIGATE 'S GOT YOUR TIN HAT . $
AND THE BOY 'S WEARING YOUR OLD SAM BROWNE . $
01 HOW KILLING ! $
02 I THINK THEY 'RE DEVILS . $
07 ACTUALLY WE 'RE GHOSTS . $
01 WHAT 'RE THEY DOING NOW ? $
04 WE 'RE MEETING AFTER THE BOMBARDMENT . $
02 THEY 'RE MEETING AFTER THE BOMBARDMENT , DEAR . $
01 HOW VERY KILLING ! $
04 BILL ... $
07 WHO IS IT ... ? $
04 IT 'S ME , BILL ... $
IT 'S HARRY . $
07 HARRY ! $
I CAN'T SEE YOU , OLD FELLOW . $
IT 'S THIS DAMN GAS EVERYWHERE . $
TAKE MY HAND . $
04 WHERE ARE YOU ? $
07 OUT HERE - BY THE WIRE . $
LISTEN . $
04 WHAT ? $
07 THEY 'VE STOPPED STRAFFING . $
I SAY , IF EVER WE GET BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY - $
04 WHAT ? $
07 I WANT YOU TO MARRY HELEN . $
04 YOU SAID YOU 'D NEVER LET HELEN MARRY A CHAP WHO 'D FUNKE
D THE TOP BOARD AT ROEHAMPTON ... $
07 NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID , HARRY . $
I SAW YOU TODAY ON THE NORTH REDOUBT ; YOU WERE IN THERE , B
ATTING FOR ENGLAND ! $
YOU SHALL HAVE MY LITTLE SISTER , BOY . $
MY HAND ON IT . $
04 I CAN'T FEEL YOUR HAND , BILL . $
07 I CAN'T SEE YOU , HARRY . $
04 I 'M COLD ... $
07 I 'M AFRAID WE 'LL NEVER SEE ENGLAND AGAIN . $
04 WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH US , BILL ? $
07 WE 'RE DEAD , OLD FELLOW . $
CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ? $
WE 'RE BOTH OF US - DEAD ! $
01 DEAD ... HOW KILLING ! $
YOU KNOW , I DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD . $
I NEVER WANTED THAT . $
WHEN I GOT MARRIED - AT SAFFRON WALDEN , THEY WERE JUST ABOU
T TO PACK ME OFF TO FRANCE . $
BANDS . $
TROOPSHIPS . $
FLOWERS THROWN AT YOU ... AND DEAD IN A FORTNIGHT . $
I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT ... $
AND THEN , THE DAY BEFORE WE WERE DUE TO GO MY OLD MAJOR DRE
W ME ASIDE AND HE SAID ' YOU 'VE JUST GOT MARRIED , OLD FELL
OW . $
NO PARTICULAR SENSE IN BEING DEAD ! ' $
HE 'D FOUND ME A POST IN THE INLAND WATERWAYS ! $
THAT 'S MY ADVICE TO YOU , IF THEY LOOK LIKE GIVING US WAR .
 $
GET YOURSELF A JOB IN THE INLAND WATERWAYS ... $
07 YOUR PARENTS SEEM TO BE GETTING ON QUITE WELL . $
04 THEY PRETEND - FOR ME . $
07 YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T SEEM TO DRINK VERY MUCH EITHER . $
04 NOT TILL THE EVENINGS . $
07 THAT WAS GOOD ADVICE YOUR FATHER GAVE US - ABOUT THE INLA
ND WATERWAYS . $
04 YES . $
#73 $
07 YOU KNOW ? $
I 'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR FATHER ... $
04 WHAT ? $
07 HE CAN'T SEE ... $
HE 'S BLIND , ISN'T HE ? $
03 IT WAS A QUESTION OUR FAMILY NEVER ASKED . $
NATURALLY I DIDN'T ANSWER IT . $
20 SLOW , QUICK , SLOW . $
SLOW , QUICK , SLOW . $
CHASSIS ! $
NO - CHASSIS ! $
LOOK ! $
HOW 'RE YOU GOING TO GET THROUGH LIFE IF YOU CAN'T DO THE SL
OW FOXTROT ... ? $
THAT 'S THE TROUBLE WITH EDUCATION . $
IT NEVER TEACHES YOU ANYTHING WORTH KNOWING . $
HALF THE BOYS HERE 'VE GOT NO IDEA OF TYING THEIR TIES , LET
 ALONE TANGO ... $
SORRY YOU 'RE LEAVING ... ? $
04 NOT ALTOGETHER ... $
20 I 'M LEAVING , TOO . $
PERHAPS YOU HEARD ... ? $
04 YES , SIR , I KNOW . $
LYDIA LEFT YESTERDAY . $
WE HAD TO MAKE OUR OWN BEDS THIS MORNING . $
20 LYDIA 'S LEFT . $
I 'VE RESIGNED . $
SO HAS THE POOR OLD KING . $
04 HIM AS WELL ... ? $
20 HE BROADCAST THIS AFTERNOON . $
WE HEARD IT ON NOAH'S RADIOGRAM . $
THE KING HAS GIVEN UP EVERYTHING FOR LOVE . $
I TOLD YOU WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON ... $
TAKE MY ADVICE . $
DON'T GIVE UP EVERYTHING FOR LOVE ... $
04 NO , SIR . $
20 IT 'S JUST NOT ON - THAT 'S ALL . $
JUST SIMPLY NOT ON ... $
04 YOU COMING TO NOAH'S TALK , SIR ? $
IT 'S FOR ALL OF US LEAVERS . $
20 THE ONE WHERE HE TELLS YOU THE FACTS OF LIFE ... ? $
04 I THINK THAT 'S THE ONE . $
20 NO . $
I SHALL STAY AWAY . $
I 'VE HEARD QUITE ENOUGH ABOUT THEM TO BE GOING ON WITH ...
$
06 YOU ARE THE LEAVERS ! $
IN A MONTH OR TWO YOU WILL GO ON TO GREAT PUBLIC SCHOOLS , A
WAY FROM THIS WARM COSY LITTLE ESTABLISHMENT . $
COME IN . $
YOU 'RE DISTURBING EVERYBODY . $
SHUT THE DOOR , BOY . $
MOST TERRIBLE DRAUGHT . $
AH NOW ... $
BEFORE I FORGET , MRS. NOAH AND I WILL BE PLEASED TO SEE YOU
 ALL TO TEA ON SUNDAY . $
A TRIFLING MATTER OF ANCHOVY PASTE SANDWICHES ! $
DO YOU HEAR THAT , EH REIGATE ? $
ALL COME WITH CLEAN FINGERNAILS , NO BOY TO PUT BUTTER ON HI
S HAIR . $
07 PLEASE SIR ? $
06 YES , REIGATE . $
07 WHY AREN'T WE TO PUT BUTTER ON OUR HAIR ? $
06 AH ! $
GOOD QUESTION . $
I 'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME THAT ! $
WE HAD THAT TROUBLE WITH THE NATIVE REGIMENTS . $
THEY LICKED DOWN THEIR HAIR WITH BUTTER . $
IT WENT RANCID IN THE HOT WEATHER . $
UNPLEASANT ODOUR ON PARADE . $
THERE 'S NO LAW AGAINST A DROP OF WATER ON THE COMB . $
NOW ... $
WHAT WAS I GOING TO TELL YOU ? $
AH ! $
I WAS WARNING YOU ABOUT DREAMS . $
YOU 'LL HAVE THEM . $
OH , CERTAINLY YOU 'LL HAVE THEM . $
AND IN THE MORNING YOU MAY FEEL LIKE SAYING TO YOURSELVES ,
' YOU ROTTER ! $
WELL , YOU CAN'T HELP IT . $
THAT 'S ALL . $
YOU SIMPLY CAN'T HELP THEM . $
NOT DREAMS . $
IF YOU 'RE AWAKE , OF COURSE , YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT
 . $
YOU CAN CHANGE INTO A PAIR OF SHORTS AND GO FOR A RUN ACROSS
 COUNTRY . $
OR YOU CAN GET INTO A BATH , AND TURN ON THE COLD TAP . $
YOU CAN QUITE EASILY DO THAT . $
YOUR HOUSEMASTER WILL UNDERSTAND . $
HE 'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU SHOULD 'VE BEEN UP TO A FRENCH LESS
ON OR MATINS OR SOME SUCH THING . $
SIMPLY SAY , SIR , I HAD TO HAVE A BATH , OR A RUN , OR WHAT
EVER IT IS . $
JUST SAY TO MR RAFFLES , OR HUMPHREY STIGGLER , OR PERCY PAR
R , JUST SAY , MR PARR , OR MR RAFFLES , DEPENDENT ON WHICH
SCHOOL YOU 'RE AT , OF COURSE , THIS IS WHAT I FELT THE NEED
TO DO . $
HE 'LL UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY . $
ANOTHER THING ! $
SIMPLY THIS . $
WHEN SLEEPING , ALWAYS LIE ON THE RIGHT SIDE . $
NOT ON THE FACE , FOR OBVIOUS REASONS . $
NOT ON THE BACK . $
BRINGS ON DREAMS . $
NOT ON THE LEFT SIDE . $
STOPS THE HEART . $
JUST THE RIGHT SIDE ... ALL THE TIME . $
NOW THEN , TO THE MOST SERIOUS PROBLEM YOU 'RE LIKELY TO RUN
 UP AGAINST . $
FRIENDS . $
YOU MAY FIND THAT SOME BOY FROM ANOTHER CLASS , OR A HOUSE E
VEN , COMES UP TO YOU AND SAYS ' LET 'S BE FRIENDS ' OR EVEN
OFFERS YOU A SLICE OF CAKE . $
THAT 'S A VERY SIMPLE ONE , A PERFECTLY SIMPLE ONE TO DEAL W
ITH . $
JUST SAY LOUDLY ' I 'M GOING STRAIGHT TO TELL THE HOUSEMASTE
R . ' $
STRAIGHT AWAY . $
NOT HESITATION ABOUT IT . $
REMEMBER , THE ONLY REAL DRAWBACK TO OUR GREAT PUBLIC SCHOOL
 SYSTEM IS UNSOLICITED CAKE - $
HAVE YOU GOT THAT VERY CLEAR ? $
GO STRAIGHT AND TELL THE HOUSEMASTER . $
07 DO YOU HAVE DREAMS ? $
04 NOT VERY MUCH ... $
07 I ONCE DREAMT ABOUT FISH . $
04 WHAT ? $
07 ALL THAT FISH . $
YOU KNOW , THE FISH WE HAD ON SUNDAY NIGHTS . $
THAT WE PUT DOWN THE LOO . $
I DREAMT IT CAME SWIMMING BACK AT US . $
I DREAMT IT ALL SWAM BACK IN SHOALS , AND INVADED THE SCHOOL
 . $
04 DID YOU FEEL BAD ? $
ABOUT DREAMING THAT , I MEAN . $
07 I SUPPOSE SO . $
04 THAT MUST 'VE BEEN WHAT HE MEANT . $
03 IT WASN'T UNTIL LATER THAT I REALISED THE HEADMASTER HAD
BEEN TRYING TO ADVISE US ON A SUBJECT MY FATHER OFTEN BROUGH
T UP UNEXPECTEDLY , IN THE MIDDLE OF TEA . $
01 SEX ! $
IT 'S BEEN GREATLY OVER-RATED BY THE POETS ... $
02 WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR BISCUIT NOW , DEAR ? $
01 I NEVER HAD MANY MISTRESSES WITH THIGHS LIKE WHITE MARBLE
 . $
03 WHAT DID HE MEAN ? $
THAT HE 'D HAD MANY MISTRESSES WITHOUT ESPECIALLY MARMOREAL
THIGHS - OR FEW MISTRESSES OF ANY SORT ? $
01 ' CHANGE IN A TRICE THE LILIES AND LANGUORS OF VIRTUE FOR
THE ROSES AND RAPTURES OF VICE ! ' $
WHERE 'S MY BLOODY BISCUIT ... ? $
02 I PUT IT BESIDE YOU , DEAR . $
01 ' FROM THEIR LIPS HAVE THY LIPS TAKEN FEVER ? $
IS THE BREATH OF THEM HOT IN THY HAIR ... ? ' $
03 WHAT DID HE KNOW OF THE SHARP UNCERTAINTIES OF LOVE ? $
01 ' IS THE BREATH OF THEM HOT IN THY HAIR ? ' $
HOW PERFECTLY REVOLTING IT SOUNDS ! $
SEX IS PRETTY UPHILL WORK , IF YOU WANT MY OPINION . $
03 I DON'T AGREE . $
01 WHAT ? $
03 I DON'T HAPPEN TO AGREE . $
01 WHO 'S THAT ? $
02 IT 'S THE BOY . $
01 THE BOY 'S BEEN VERY QUIET LATELY . $
02 HE 'S GROWING UP . $
HE HAS HIS OWN THOUGHTS . $
01 IS THAT WHAT IT IS ? $
DO YOU HAVE YOUR OWN THOUGHTS ? $
03 I DON'T THINK SEX HAS BEEN OVER-RATED EXACTLY . $
01 I 'LL TELL YOU A STORY . $
A LOVER , A WIFE AND AN ANGRY HUSBAND . $
THE HUSBAND RETURNS AND DISCOVERS ALL ! $
HE SUMMONS THE LOVER INTO THE DINING ROOM . $
THE WIFE WAITS , TREMBLING , TERRIFIED , FOR THE SOUNDS OF F
IGHTING , THE SMASHING OF CROCKERY . $
SILENCE . $
SHE TIPTOES DOWN THE STAIRS . $
THERE 'S THE HUSBAND AND THE LOVER SIDE BY SIDE AT THE TABLE
 , PERFECTLY CONTENTED , DRINKING LIGHT ALE . $
SUDDENLY SHE BURSTS OUT AT BOTH OF THEM - $
' YOU UNGRATEFUL BRUTES ! ' $
THEY BOTH LISTEN AS THE DOOR SLAMS AFTER HER . $
THEY OPEN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF LIGHT ALE . $
' UNGRATEFUL BRUTES ! ' $
THAT WAS THE EXPRESSION SHE USED ! $
03 DID THAT REALLY HAPPEN ? $
#74 $
01 WHAT ? $
03 DID THAT EVER REALLY HAPPEN ? $
01 SEX ! $
THE WHOLE BUSINESS HAS BEEN OVER-ESTIMATED BY THE POETS . $
01 WHERE 'S THE BOY ? $
02 GONE OUT . $
HE 'S PAYING A CALL . $
01 GONE OUT - AS A VISITOR ? $
02 YES . $
TO TEA . $
WITH MISS BAKER AND MISS COX . $
01 WHO ARE THEY ? $
02 THEY RUN THE NEW BOOKSHOP . $
BY THE STATION . $
APPARENTLY HE WENT IN TO BUY A BOOK , AND THEY ASKED HIM ROU
ND TO TEA - AS A VISITOR . $
01 NOT BRINGING THEM BACK HERE , IS HE ? $
02 HE DIDN'T SAY SO . $
01 IF HE DOES , I SHALL LIE DOGGO ! $
I SHALL GO TO EARTH , IN THE WEST COPSE . $
I SHALL HIDE MYSELF ... I PROMISE YOU ... $
02 NO , HE DIDN'T SAY HE WAS BRINGING THEM BACK HERE ... $
01 WELL , I SHALL DISAPPEAR WITHOUT A TRACE IF HE DOES . $
DOESN'T HE KNOW ? $
WE DREAD VISITORS . $
POOR BOY , TO HAVE TO GO OUT . $
HE 'LL MISS THE EVENING FORAY AFTER EARWIGS . $
10 I COULD 'VE KISSED YOU WHEN YOU CAME INTO OUR SHOP . $
03 COULD YOU REALLY ? $
27 AND ACTUALLY BOUGHT A BOOK ! $
10 MOST PEOPLE COME IN FOR PAMPHLETS . $
A HUNDRED THINGS TO DO WITH DRIED EGG - PUBLISHED BY THE MIN
ISTRY OF FOOD ... $
34 ' WHAT DO I DO IF I COME ACROSS GERMAN OR ITALIAN BROADCA
STS WHEN TUNING MY WIRELESS ? $
I SAY TO MYSELF : ' NOW THIS BLIGHTER WANTS ME TO LISTEN TO
HIM . $
AM I GOING TO DO WHAT THIS BLIGHTER WANTS ? ' $
27 WE 'LL HAVE TO GIVE UP THAT SHOP . $
03 WHY WILL YOU ? $
10 BILL 'S GOING TO BE CALLED UP . $
03 WHO 'S BILL ? $
27 I 'M BILL . $
SHE 'S DAPHNE ... $
... THIS BLOODY BIRD GETS HALF MY BUTTER RATION ... $
10 THEY 'RE PUTTING BILL ON THE LAND ... $
27 I 'LL PROBABLY RUIN THE CROPS . $
10 I 'LL SEND YOU OFF IN THE MORNING , DARLING ... WITH A ME
AT PIE AND A LITTLE BOTTLE OF COLD TEA . $
27 THANK YOU VERY MUCH ! $
10 IT 'S THE WAR , BILL ! $
WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SACRIFICES . $
BILL DOESN'T MUCH CARE FOR THIS WAR . $
WE WERE MORE KEEN ON THE WAR IN SPAIN . $
27 AND IN THE EVENINGS , I SUPPOSE YOU 'LL WASH ME DOWN IN F
RONT OF THE FIRE . $
EAT UP , MISS GARBO ! $
10 NONSENSE . $
THEY 'RE NOT SENDING YOU DOWN THE MINES ! $
ALL OUR FRIENDS WERE AWFULLY KEEN ON THE WAR IN SPAIN ; STEP
HEN SPENDER AND ALL THAT JOLLY COLLECTION ... $
I EXPECT YOU 'LL GO INTO THE FIRE SERVICE ... ? $
03 WHY ? $
10 ALL OUR FRIENDS GO INTO THE FIRE SERVICE . $
27 THEY GET A LOT OF TIME FOR WRITING , WAITING ABOUT BETWEE
N FIRES ... $
03 MY FATHER SAYS I SHOULD AVOID THE TEMPTATION TO DO ANYTHI
NG HEROIC ... $
10 WE 'VE NEVER ACTUALLY MET YOUR FATHER ... $
27 WE LOOKED OVER THE GATE ONE EVENING AND SHOUTED - BUT HE
WAS BUSY IN THE GARDEN DOING SOMETHING . $
03 PROBABLY THE EARWIGS . $
27 WHAT ? $
03 HE DROWNS THE EARWIGS EVERY NIGHT . $
10 HOW MOST EXTRAORDINARY ... $
THE FIRE SERVICE ! $
THAT 'S WHERE YOU 'LL END UP . $
IT GIVES EVERYONE FAR MORE TIME TO WRITE . $
27 IS THAT WHAT YOU 'RE GOING TO BE , THEN - A WRITER ? $
01 IS THAT YOU ? $
03 YES , IT 'S ME . $
01 WHAT 'RE YOU DOING ? $
03 HELPING YOU . $
01 CONSIDER THE PERSISTENCE OF THE EARWIG ! $
EACH AFTERNOON , IT FEASTS ON THE DAHLIA BLOOMS . $
 FIRST SIGHT . $
EACH MORNING , WE EMPTY THE FLOWER POTS AND DROWN THE EARWIG
 ... BUT STILL THEY COME ! $
NATURE 'S REMORSELESS . $
03 I MAY BE A WRITER ... $
01 IF WE DID THIS FOR ONE MILLION YEARS ALL OVER THE WORLD ,
 COULD WE MAKE SOME SMALL DENT IN THE PATTERN OF EVOLUTION ?
 $
WOULD WE PRODUCE AN EARWIG THAT COULD SWIM ? $
YOU 'D BE BETTER OFF IN THE LAW ... $
03 I 'D LIKE TO WRITE ... $
01 YOU 'LL HAVE PLENTY OF SPARE TIME ! $
MY FIRST FIVE YEARS IN CHAMBERS , I DID NOTHING BUT THE ' TI
MES ' CROSSWORD PUZZLE . $
BESIDES WHICH , IF YOU WERE ONLY A WRITER , WHO WOULD YOU RU
B SHOULDERS WITH ? $
OTHER WRITERS ? $
YOU 'LL BE FAR BETTER OFF IN THE LAW . $
03 I DON'T KNOW ... $
01 NO BRILLIANCE IS NEEDED IN THE LAW . $
NOTHING BUT COMMON SENSE , AND RELATIVELY CLEAN FINGERNAILS
 . $
ANOTHER THING , IF YOU WERE A WRITER , THINK OF YOUR POOR ,
UNFORTUNATE WIFE ... $
03 WHAT ? $
01 SHE 'D HAVE YOU AT HOME EVERY DAY ! $
IN CARPET SLIPPERS ... $
DRINKING TEA AND STUMPED FOR WORDS . $
YOU 'D BE FAR BETTER OFF DOWN THE TUBE EACH MORNING , AND OF
F TO THE LAW COURTS ... $
HOW MANY HAVE WE BAGGED TODAY ? $
03 ABOUT A HUNDRED ... $
01 A MODERATE BAG , I 'D SAY . $
MERELY MODERATE . $
YOU KNOW , THE LAW OF HUSBAND AND WIFE MIGHT SEEM IDIOTIC AT
 FIRST SIGHT . $
BUT WHEN YOU GET TO KNOW IT , YOU 'LL FIND IT CAN EXERCISE A
 VAGUE MEDIEVAL CHARM . $
LEARN A LITTLE LAW , WON'T YOU ? $
JUST TO PLEASE ME ... $
03 IT WAS MY FATHER'S WAY TO OFFER THE LAW TO ME - THE GREAT
 , STONE COLUMN OF AUTHORITY WHICH HAD BEEN DRAGGED BY AN AD
ULTEROUS , CARELESS , NEGLIGENT AND HALF-CRIMINAL HUMANITY D
OWN THE AGES - AS IF IT WERE A SMALL MECHANICAL TOY WHICH MI
GHT OCCUPY HALF AN HOUR ON A RAINY AFTERNOON ... $
HE NEVER USED A WHITE STICK - BUT HIS CLOUDED MALACCA WAS HE
ARD DAILY , TAPPING THE COLD STONE CORRIDORS OF THE LAW COUR
TS . $
#75 $
HE HAS NO USE FOR DOGS , THERAPY , TRAINING , NOR DID HE ADA
PT HIMSELF TO HIS CONDITION . $
HE SIMPLY PRETENDED THAT NOTHING HAD HAPPENED . $
17 GOOD MORNING . $
01 WHO 'S THAT ? $
02 IT 'S MR BOUSTEAD , DEAR ... $
HE 'S AGAINST YOU . $
01 AGIN ME , BULSTRODE . $
ARE YOU AGIN ME ? $
17 BOUSTEAD . $
01 EXCUSE ME . $
BOUSTEAD , OF COURSE . $
WHERE ARE YOU ? $
17 HERE , I 'M HERE ... $
01 I HAVE STUDIED YOUR CASE PRETTY CLOSELY AND I HAVE A SUGG
ESTION TO MAKE WHICH YOU MIGHT FIND HELPFUL . $
17 REALLY ? $
01 WHAT I WAS SUGGESTING , ENTIRELY FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE OF C
OURSE - IS THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE - MY DEAR BOY - TO THROW IN Y
OUR HAND ... $
NOW , IS THAT A HELP TO YOU ... ? $
17 CERTAINLY NOT ! $
I 'D SAY WE HAVE SOME PRETTY VALUABLE EVIDENCE ... $
NOW , FROM THE VANTAGE POINT WHICH YOU HAVE DESCRIBED , MR T
HONG , WILL YOU TELL MY LORD AND THE JURY EXACTLY WHAT YOU S
AW ? $
01 THROAT SPRAY ! $
17 YES . MR THONG , IN YOUR OWN WORDS . $
01 THANKS . $
13 FROM MY POINT OF VANTAGE , I WAS QUITE CLEARLY ABLE TO SE
E INSIDE THE KITCHEN WINDOW ... $
17 YES ? $
13 AND - $
15 SPEAK UP , MR THONG , I CAN 'T HEAR YOU . $
13 MY LORD . $
I WAS ABLE TO DISTINGUISH CLEARLY THE RESPONDENT ... $
15 YES ... $
13 IN THE ACT OF ... WITH A MAN DISTINGUISHABLE ONLY BY A SM
ALL MOUSTACHE ... $
I NOW RECOGNISE HIM AS THE CO-RESPONDENT , DACRES . $
17 IN THE ACT OF WHAT , MR THONG ? $
13 THE ACT OF ... $
17 IF MY LEARNED FRIEND WOULD ALLOW US TO HEAR THE EVIDENCE
... $
01 I 'M SO SORRY . $
MY DEAR BOY , IF THIS IS THE VALUABLE EVIDENCE YOU TOLD ME A
BOUT , I SHALL BE QUIET - AS THE TOMB ... ! $
17 MR THONG . $
01 BY ALL MEANS , MY LORD . $
LET US HEAR THIS VALUABLE EVIDENCE . $
15 VERY WELL . $
13 I DISTINCTLY SAW THEM ... $
15 DISTINCTLY SAW THEM WHAT ? $
13 KISSING AND CUDDLING , MY LORD . $
17 AND THEN ... $
13 THE LIGHT WAS EXTINGUISHED ... $
17 WHERE ? $
13 IN THE KITCHEN . $
07 THIS IS QUITE INTOLERABLE ... $
13 IN THE BEDROOM . $
15 FOR A MOMENT ? $
13 MERELY MOMENTARILY , MY LORD . $
17 SO ... $
13 THE HOUSE WAS SHROUDED IN DARKNESS . $
AND THE CO-RESPONDENT , THIS IS THE POINT THAT STRUCK US , H
AD NOT EMERGED . $
17 AND YOU KEPT UP OBSERVATION UNTIL ... $
13 APPROXIMATELY , DAWN . $
17 THANK YOU , MR THONG . $
01 MR THONG , WHAT PRICE DID YOU PUT ON THIS VALUABLE EVIDEN
CE ? $
13 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN ... $
01 YOU HAVE BEEN PAID , HAVEN'T YOU , TO GIVE IT ? $
13 I 'M A PRIVATE ENQUIRY AGENT ... $
01 A PROFESSIONAL WITNESS ? $
13 CHARGING THE USUAL FEE . $
01 THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER ? $
17 MY LORD , I OBJECT . $
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS . $
15 PERHAPS THAT WAS NOT ENTIRELY RELEVANT . $
01 THEN LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY RELEVANT . $
WHICH GOES STRAIGHT TO THE SECRET HEART OF THIS WRETCHED LIT
TLE CONSPIRACY . $
WHERE WAS THIS LADY'S HUSBAND DURING YOUR OBSERVATIONS ? $
13 CAPTAIN WARING ? $
01 YES . $
CAPTAIN WARING . $
13 HE HAD ACCOMPANIED ME ... $
01 WHY ? $
13 FOR THE PURPOSE OF ... $
01 FOR THE PURPOSE OF WHAT ... ? $
13 IDENTIFICATION ... $
01 AND HOW LONG DID HE REMAIN WITH YOU ? $
13 AS LONG AS OBSERVATION CONTINUED ... $
01 TILL DAWN ... ? $
13 UNTIL APPROXIMATELY 5.30 AM . $
01 AND DID HE NOT STORM THE HOUSE ? $
DID HE NOT BEAT UPON THE DOOR ? $
DID HE NOT SEIZE HIS WIFE'S PARAMOUR BY THE THROAT AND HURL
HIM INTO THE GUTTER ? $
13 ACCORDING TO MY NOTEBOOK . $
NO . $
01 AND ACCORDING TO YOUR NOTEBOOK , WAS HE ENJOYING HIMSELF
? $
17 REALLY ... ! $
01 PLEASE , MR BULSTRODE ! $
I 'VE SAT HERE FOR THREE DAYS ! $
LIKE PATIENCE ON A MONUMENT ! $
WHILST A SERIES OF SPITEFUL , MEAN , PETTY , TRUMPED-UP , SI
CKENING AND SMALL-MINDED CHARGES ARE TEDIOUSLY PARADED AGAIN
ST THE UNFORTUNATE WOMAN I REPRESENT . $
AND NOW , WHEN I RISE TO CROSS-EXAMINE ... I WILL NOT BE INT
ERRUPTED ! $
15 GENTLEMEN ! $
PLEASE , GENTLEMEN . $
WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION ? $
01 I 'VE FORGOTTEN IT . $
MY LEARNED FRIEND'S INTERRUPTION HAS HAD THE EFFECT HE NO DO
UBT INTENDED AND I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY QUESTION ! $
17 THIS IS QUITE INTOLERABLE ... $
01 AH ... $
NOW I 'VE REMEMBERED IT AGAIN . $
DID HE ENJOY THE NIGHT , THONG , IN THIS FIELD , FROM WHICH
HE WAS MAGICALLY ABLE TO OVERLOOK HIS OWN KITCHEN ... ? $
13 THIS PLOT OF WASTE GROUND ... $
01 UP A TREE , WAS HE ? $
13 WHAT ? $
01 WAS HE PERCHED UPON A TREE ? $
13 WE HAD STEPPED UP , INTO THE LOWER BRANCHES . $
01 WAS IT THE NAKED EYE ? $
13 PARDON ? $
01 WAS HE VIEWING THIS DISTRESSING SCENE BY AID OF THE NAKED
 EYE ? $
13 CAPTAIN WARING HAD BROUGHT A PAIR OF FIELD GLASSES . $
01 HIS RACING GLASSES ... ? $
13 I ... $
15 SPEAK UP , MR THONG . $
13 I IMAGINE HE USED THEM FOR RACING , MY LORD . $
01 YOU SEE , CAPTAIN WARING HAS GIVEN EVIDENCE IN THIS COURT
 . $
17 ON THE SUBJECT OF HIS RACING GLASSES ? $
01 NO , MR BULSTRODE . $
ON THE SUBJECT OF LOVE . $
HE HAS TOLD US THAT HE WAS DEEPLY , SINCERELY , IN LOVE WITH
 HIS WIFE . $
13 I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT . $
01 EXACTLY , MR THONG ! $
YOU ARE HARDLY AN EXPERT WITNESS , ARE YOU , ON THE SUBJECT
OF LOVE ? $
MAY IT PLEASE YOU , MY LORD , MEMBERS OF THE JURY . $
LOVE HAS DRIVEN MEN AND WOMEN IN THE COURSE OF HISTORY TO CU
RIOUS EXTREMES . $
LOVE TEMPTED LEANDER TO PLUNGE IN AND SWIM THE RAGING HELLES
PONT . $
IT LED JULIET TO FEIGN DEATH AND OPHELIA TO MADNESS . $
#76 $
NO DOUBT IT COMPLICATED THE SERENITY OF THE GARDEN OF EDEN A
ND STARTED THE TROJAN WAR : BUT SURELY THERE IS NO MORE CURI
OUS EXAMPLE OF THE MYSTERIOUS EFFECTS OF THE PASSION THAN TH
E SPECTACLE OF CAPTAIN WARING OF THE ROYAL ENGINEERS , ROOST
ED IN A TREE , COMPLACENTLY VIEWING THE SEDUCTION OF HIS BEL
OVED THROUGH A PAIR OF STRONG RACING BINOCULARS ... $
IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY , MEMBERS OF THE JURY , AN IMPROBABLE
AND IMPERTINENT TISSUE OF FALSEHOOD ... ? $
03 HE SENT WORDS OUT INTO THE DARKNESS , LIKE SOLDIERS SENT
OFF TO BATTLE , AND WAS NEVER SHORT OF REINFORCEMENTS . $
IN THE LAW COURTS HE GAVE HIS PUBLIC PERFORMANCE . $
AT HOME HE RETURNED TO HIS PRIVATE RITUAL , THE POTTING SHED
, THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND , WHEN I WAS AT HOME , THE AFTERN
OON WALK . $
THE WOODS WERE DARK AND FULL OF FLIES . $
WE PICKED BRACKEN LEAVES TO SWAT THEM , AND WHEN I WAS A CHI
LD HE TOLD ME WE CARRIED CUTLASSES TO HACK OUR WAY THROUGH T
HE JUNGLE . $
I USED TO SHUT MY EYES AT DEAD RATS , OR MAGPIES GIBBETED ON
 THE TREES : SIGHTS HIS BLINDNESS SPARED HIM . $
HE WALKED WITH HIS HAND ON MY ARM . $
A SMALL HAND , WITH LOOSE BROWN SKIN . $
FROM TIME TO TIME , I HAD AN URGE TO PULL AWAY FROM HIM , TO
 RUN INTO THE TREES AND HIDE ... TO LEAVE HIM ALONE , LOST I
N PERPETUAL DARKNESS . $
BUT THEN HIS HAND WOULD TIGHTEN ON MY SLEEVE ; HE WAS VERY P
ERSISTENT ... $
01 I 'VE HAD A GOOD DEAL OF FUN ... OUT OF THE LAW . $
03 HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE ? $
01 ONCE OR TWICE . $
IT 'S ALL RIGHT , EXCEPT FOR THE DREADFUL GREASY FOOD THEY C
AN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT . $
03 BILL AND DAPHNE SAY THE WORST OF THE WAR IS THAT THEY CAN
'T GET TO THE SOUTH OF FRANCE . $
01 WHO 'RE THEY ? $
03 TWO LADIES FROM THE BOOKSHOP . $
01 WHERE YOU HAD TO GO , AS A VISITOR ? $
03 THAT 'S RIGHT . $
01 MY HEART BLED FOR YOU ON THAT OCCASION . $
03 DAPHNE 'S MISS COX . $
01 AND BILL ... ? $
03 ... BILL 'S MISS BAKER . $
01 DAMNED RUM ! $
03 BEFORE THE WAR THEY PRACTICALLY LIVED IN CANNES . $
THEY MET COCTEAU ... $
01 WHO ? $
03 HE SMOKED OPIUM . $
HAVE YOU EVER SMOKED OPIUM ? $
01 CERTAINLY NOT ! $
GIVES YOU CONSTIPATION . $
DREADFUL BINDING EFFECT . $
EVER SEEN THOSE PICTURES OF THE WRETCHED POET COLERIDGE ? $
GREEN AROUND THE GILLS . $
AND A STRANGER TO THE LAVATORY . $
AVOID OPIUM . $
03 THEY MAY FIND ME A WAR JOB . $
01 WHO ? $
03 MISS BAKER AND MISS COX . $
01 WHY , IS ' BILL ' ON THE GENERAL STAFF ? $
03 THEY HAVE A FRIEND WHO MAKES PROPAGANDA FILMS FOR THE GOV
ERNMENT . $
HE NEEDS AN ASSISTANT . $
01 YOU 'RE THINKING OF ENTERING THE FILM WORLD ? $
03 JUST ... FOR THE DURATION . $
01 WELL ! $
AT LEAST THERE IS NOTHING HEROIC ABOUT IT . $
03 NO . $
01 RUM SORT OF WORLD , ISN'T IT - THE FILM WORLD ? $
03 I EXPECT SO . $
01 DON'T THEY WEAR THEIR CAPS BACK TO FRONT IN THE FILM WORL
D ? $
03 YOU 'RE THINKING OF THE SILENT DAYS . $
01 AM I ? $
PERHAPS I AM . $
YOUR MOTHER AND I WENT TO A SILENT FILM ONCE . $
IN GLASTONBURY . $
03 DID YOU ? $
01 WE WERE STAYING THERE IN AN HOTEL . $
DAMN DULL . $
NOTHING TO DO IN THE EVENINGS . $
SO WE SALLIED FORTH , TO SEE THIS SILENT FILM . $
THE POINT WAS , I INVARIABLY DRESSED FOR DINNER , WHEN IN GL
ASTONBURY . $
FOLLOW ? $
03 I FOLLOW . $
01 AND WHEN YOUR MOTHER AND I ENTERED THIS PICTURE PALACE -
IN EVENING DRESS , THE WHOLE AUDIENCE BURST INTO SPONTANEOUS
 APPLAUSE ! $
I BELIEVE THEY TOOK US FOR PART OF THE ENTERTAINMENT ! $
... RUM KIND OF WORLD , I MUST SAY . $
WHERE ARE WE ? $
03 AT THE BOTTOM OF STONOR HILL . $
01 I 'LL REST FOR A MOMENT . $
THEN WE 'LL GO UP TO THE TOP . $
03 WILL WE ? $
01 OF COURSE WE WILL ! $
YOU CAN SEE THE THREE COUNTIES FROM THE TOP OF STONOR HILL .
 $
DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE THREE COUNTIES ... ? $
03 ALL RIGHT . $
01 SEE EVERYTHING . $
EVERYTHING IN NATURE ... $
THAT 'S THE INSTINCT OF THE MAY BEETLE . $
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO LIVE , SO SPEND IT ... LOOKING AROUND .
 $
03 WE 'VE GOT MORE TIME ... $
01 DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT ! $
IT 'S SHORT ... BUT ENJOYABLE ! $
YOU KNOW WHAT ? $
IF THEY EVER SAY TO YOU - ' YOUR OLD FATHER , HE COULDN'T HA
VE ENJOYED LIFE MUCH . $
OVER-DRAWN AT THE BANK AND BAD-TEMPERED AND PEOPLE DIDN'T OF
TEN VISIT HIM ... ' $
' NONSENSE , ' YOU CAN SAY . $
' HE ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT ... ' $
03 DO YOU WANT TO GO ON NOW ? $
01 WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ENBRYO OF THE LIVER FLUKE , BORN IN
 SHEEP'S DROPPINGS , SEARCHING THE WORLD FOR A SHELL TO BORE
INTO FOR THE SAKE OF LIVING IN A SNAIL UNTIL IT BECOMES TADP
OLE-LIKE AND LEAVES ITS HOST - AND THEN GETS SWALLOWED UP BY
 A SHEEP AGAIN ! $
WHEN YOU CONSIDER THAT - COMPLICATED PERSISTENCE , WELL , OF
 COURSE , I 'VE CLUNG ON FOR SIXTY-FIVE YEARS . $
IT 'S THE INSTINCT - THAT 'S ALL . $
THE IRRESISTIBLE INSTINCT ! $
ALL RIGHT . $
WE 'LL GO UP ... $
WATCH CAREFULLY AND YOU 'LL SEE THREE COUNTIES ... $
WHAT CAN YOU SEE ? $
03 THREE COUNTIES ... $
01 BE MY EYES , THEN . $
PAINT ME THE PICTURE ... $
03 WE CAN JUST SEE THREE COUNTIES . $
STRETCHED OUT . $
THAT 'S ALL WE CAN SEE . $
01 A FINE PROSPECT ? $
03 YES . $
A FINE PROSPECT . $
01 WE 'VE BAGGED A GOOD MANY SIGHTS TODAY ! $
WHAT 'VE WE SEEN ? $
03 WE SAW A HARE . $
OH , AND THAT BUTTERFLY . $
01 DANAIES CHRYSIPPUS ! $
THE ONE THAT FLAUNTS A LARGE TYPE OF POWDER PUFF . $
YOU DESCRIBED IT TO ME . $
YOU PAINTED ME THE PICTURE . $
03 SHALL WE GO HOME NOW ? $
01 WE SAW A LOT TODAY . $
WE SAW A GOOD DEAL - OF THE MONSTROUS PERSISTENCE OF NATURE
... $
21 ' OH SALOME , SALOME THAT 'S MY GIRL , SALOME . $
STANDING THERE WITH HER ARSE ALL BARE ... ' $
#77 $
23 LET 'S HAVE SOME QUIET , PLEASE ! $
YOU THE NEW ASSISTANT ... ? $
03 YES . $
21 ' EVERY LITTLE WRINKLE MADE THE BOYS ALL STARE ... ' $
23 GREAT SCOTT , SPARKS ! $
I CAN'T HEAR THIS BOY . $
21 SORRY , DORIS . $
23 KNOW YOUR JOB , DO YOU ... ? $
03 I 'M NEW TO MOVIES ... $
23 GREAT SCOTT ! $
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MOVIES . $
YOU 'RE HERE TO FETCH THE SUBSISTENCE ... $
03 THE WHAT ? $
23 TEA BREAKS . $
COFFEE BREAKS . $
AFTER LUNCH SPECIAL REFRESHMENT AND IN LIEU OF BREAKFAST BRE
AKS . $
THE SPARKS HAVE TEA AND HAM AND LETTUCE ROLLS , KNOWN TO THE
M AS SMIGGETT SANDWICHES . $
THE CHIPPIES TAKE COFFEE AND CAKES WITH COCONUT ICING . $
THE DIRECTOR NEEDS HORLICKS , LIVER PATE SANDWICHES AND WILL
S WHIFFS . $
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT EXCEPT TO CALL IN A FIRM AND AUTHORITAT
IVE MANNER FOR ' QUIET ' WHEN WE SHOOT . $
ANY QUESTIONS ? $
03 YES . $
23 WHAT ? $
03 WHERE DO I GET LIVER PATE SANDWICHES ? $
23 USE YOUR BLOODY IMAGINATION ! $
THAT 'S WHAT YOU CAME INTO THE FILM BUSINESS FOR ... $
18 DORIS ! $
23 COMING , HUMPHREY . $
REMEMBER , NEXT TEA BREAK IN TEN MINUTES . $
21 YOU LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ? $
03 WELL , YES . $
21 DON'T WORRY . $
MAYBE YOU LEFT IT IN THE OFFICERS' MESS . $
YOU KNOW WE 'VE GOT TWO ATS IN THE NEXT SCENE ? $
03 I DIDN'T KNOW . $
21 THERE 'S TWO SORTS OF ATS LET ME TELL YOU . $
COCKED ATS AND FELT ATS . $
HAD IT IN LAST NIGHT , DID YOU ? $
03 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
21 SEEN THE KING LAST NIGHT ? $
03 NO . $
WAS HE HERE ? $
21 WAS HE HERE ! ... $
THAT 'S A GOOD ONE . $
WHO DID YOU SAY YOU WAS OUT WITH ? $
03 ACTUALLY ... $
NO ONE . $
21 DIDN'T SPEND OUT ON HER , I HOPE ? $
NEVER SPEND OUT TILL YOU GET LUCKY ... $
THEN YOU CAN BUY HER A PACKET OF SMALL SMOKES . $
18 ALL RIGHT , WE 'LL TRY A REHEARSAL . $
21 WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU WAS LOOKING FOR ? $
03 A LIVER PATE SANDWICH . $
21 A LIVER PATE ... $
YOU 'RE A CAUTION ! $
THAT 'S WHAT YOU ARE . $
23 REHEARSAL ! $
11 GERRY A BIT NAUGHTY TONIGHT , HILDA . $
29 YES . $
TEA , LUV ? $
11 TA , LUV . $
29 SUGARS , DO YOU ? $
11 TA . $
29 ONE OR TWO SUGARS ? $
11 TWO , TA . $
TA . $
29 YOU KNOW , I 'VE BEEN THINKING LATELY . $
11 HAVE YOU , LUV ? $
29 OH YES , HILDA , I 'VE BEEN THINKING . $
11 WHAT ABOUT , LUV ? $
29 YOU KNOW WHAT I RECKON THIS WAR 'S ALL ABOUT ? $
11 NO . $
29 JUST OUR FREEDOM . $
TO TALK TO EACH OTHER . $
11 YOU WANT SUGAR , LUV ? $
18 THAT WAS MARVELLOUS . $
TREMENDOUSLY REAL . $
MY GOD , YOU COULDN'T DO THAT WITH ACTORS ! $
ALL RIGHT , DORIS . $
I 'M GOING FOR A TAKE . $
23 ASSISTANT ! $
GET A BIT OF SILENCE , WILL YOU ? $
03 SORRY , DORIS . $
23 YELL ' QUIET ' FOR GOD'S SAKE . $
03 QUIET , PLEASE ! $
CAN WE HAVE A LITTLE QUIET NOW , PLEASE ? $
WE 'D APPRECIATE A BIT OF QUIET NOW , THANK YOU ! $
ALL QUIET NOW ! $
WE 'RE GOING TO TRY A TAKE . $
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN , WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE US A LITTLE QUIE
T ! $
QUIET NOW , PLEASE ! $
SHUT UP , YOU BASTARDS ! $
18 ... I DON'T THINK YOU 'RE CUT OUT BY NATURE TO BE AN ASSI
STANT DIRECTOR . $
03 I AGREE . $
18 IN FACT YOU MUST BE ONE OF THE WORST ASSISTANT DIRECTORS
WE 'VE EVER HAD . $
03 I 'M SORRY . $
18 THE HOURLY BOYS DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY YOU SPOKE TO THEM . $
THE PLASTERERS ARE CONSIDERING STRIKE ACTION . $
I UNDERSTAND THERE 'S A MEETING ABOUT IT NOW : AT THE MINIST
RY . $
03 WAS IT AS BAS AS THAT ? $
18 WITH YOU WITH US THEY 'LL 'VE WON THE WAR BEFORE WE 'VE F
INISHED THE MOVIE . $
03 I THINK I 'LL GO INTO THE LAW . $
18 LOOK HERE . $
WE 'VE GOT THIS LITTLE WRITER'S DEPARTMENT . $
YOU CAN'T REALLY DO MUCH HARM AS A WRITER . $
03 CAN'T I ? $
18 NO ONE WANTS TO WORK THERE . $
I MEAN IT 'S A BIT ISOLATED . $
03 I WOULDN'T MIND ... $
18 YOU 'LL MISS GETTING OUT ON LOCATION WITH DORIS AND THE B
OYS . $
03 I THINK I COULD BEAR IT ... $
IS THIS THE WRITERS' DEPARTMENT ? $
08 WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER FOR ? $
03 I WASN'T A GREAT SUCCESS - AS AN ASSISTANT DIRECTOR . $
08 YOU 'RE THE ONE THAT COULDN'T SAY ' QUIET , PLEASE ' . $
03 WELL , IT 'S NOT AS EASY AS ALL THAT ... $
08 WHAT ISN'T ? $
03 SAYING ' QUIET PLEASE ' . $
08 ISN'T IT ? $
03 I SAID IT ... AND THEY ALL WENT ON TALKING . $
08 PERHAPS THEY THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT . $
#78 $
03 WHAT 'RE YOU WRITING ? $
08 A SCRIPT HUMPHREY WANTS TO DO . $
THERE 'S A CHARACTER IN IT CALLED THE COMMON MAN . $
HE KEEPS ON SAYING ' TELL ME , MATEY . $
WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED DEMOCRACY ? ' ... $
03 SOUNDS GHASTLY . $
08 YES IT IS RATHER . $
03 I 'VE DECIDED , I 'M NOT REALLY CUT OUT FOR THE FILM BUSI
NESS . $
08 YOU 'RE PROBABLY RIGHT . $
03 I REALLY THINK I 'D BE MORE EFFECTIVE - IN A COURT OF LAW
 . $
08 YOU 'RE GOING TO TAKE UP CRIME ? $
03 THEY KEEP QUIET IN LAW COURTS . $
NATURALLY . $
I MEAN NO JUDGE COULD POSSIBLY BE HALF AS HORRIBLE AS DORIS
 . $
MY FATHER 'S A LAWYER . $
08 DO YOU ALWAYS COPY YOUR FATHER ? $
03 GOOD GOD NO ! $
08 OH , REALLY . $
YOU LOOK THE TYPE TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING - SAID BY DAD . $
03 THERE 'S ONE THING HE SAYS I DON'T AGREE WITH AT ALL . $
08 WHAT 'S THAT ? $
03 HE SAYS THAT SEX HAS BEEN GREATLY OVER-RATED . $
BY THE POETS ... $
01 MY TIE ... $
OH GOD IN HEAVEN , WHERE 'S MY TIE ? $
WILL NOBODY HAND ME A WAISTCOAT EVEN ? $
CAN'T ANY OF YOU REALISE THE LONELINESS OF GETTING DRESSED ?
 ! $
IS THAT YOU ? $
03 YES . $
01 I SUPPOSE I OUGHT TO TALK TO YOU . $
I MEAN ... MARRIED ! $
YOU 'RE HARDLY IN ANY STATE TO GET MARRIED ... $
03 DO YOU WANT TO STOP US ? $
01 HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AT THE BAR EXACTLY ? $
03 NINE MONTHS ... $
01 NINE MONTHS ! $
I 'D BEEN IN PRACTISE TEN YEARS BEFORE I FELT THE SLIGHTEST
NEED TO MARRY YOUR MOTHER ... $
03 PERHAPS ... $
NEEDS WEREN'T SO URGENT THEN . $
01 GOT ANY WORK , HAVE YOU ? $
03 A LITTLE WORK . $
01 UNSUCCESSFUL DEFENCE IN A SERIOUS CASE OF NON-RENEWED DOG
LICENCE . $
THAT 'LL HARDLY KEEP YOU IN VIM ... $
03 I DON'T WANT TO BE KEPT IN VIM . $
01 BUT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HELP IT - ONCE YOU 'RE MARRIED .
 $
YOUR NO-INCOME WILL BE FRITTERED AWAY ON VIM AND SAUCEPAN SC
OUCERS , AND MANSION POLISH ! $
AND SUCH-LIKE LUXURIES ... $
03 YOU CAN'T STOP US . $
01 ARE YOU ASKING ME TO ? $
03 I 'M QUITE READY TO TAKE ON HER CHILDREN . $
01 YOU SOUND LIKE A RAILWAY TRAIN . $
SHORT STOP TO TAKE ON HER CHILDREN ... $
WAISTCOAT ABOUT ANYWHERE ? $
YES . $
IN THE COURSE OF HER LIFE ... SHE HAS ACQUIRED CHILDREN . $
MIXED BLESSINGS I SHOULD IMAGINE , FOR BOTH OF YOU . $
03 IF YOU 'RE WORRIED ABOUT MONEY ... $
01 MY DEAR BOY , I 'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT . $
I JUST THINK YOU HAVEN'T BARGAINED FOR THE VIM ... $
HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO DENY ME MY WAISTCOAT ? $
03 HERE . $
I KNOW YOU THINK WE 'RE INSANE ... $
01 YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BE DISSUADED . $
01 OF COURSE NOT . $
COAT . $
01 I CAN'T HELP YOU , YOU KNOW . $
03 WE DON'T WANT HELP . $
01 THE CHILDREN SEEM LIVELY . $
AS CHILDREN GO . $
OF COURSE , IT WON'T BE I , WHO HAS TO KEEP THEM IN ROMPERS
! $
I WONDER , SHOULD I HAVE A DROP OF EAU DE COLOGNE ON THE HAN
DKERCHIEF ? $
I UNDERSTAND YOUR POOR GIRL 'S COMING TO TEA . $
WE SEEM NOW TO BE TOTALLY SURROUNDED BY VISITORS . $
03 YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO BE RUDE TO HER ? $
01 CERTAINLY NOT . $
YOUR POOR GIRL AND I HAVE GOT , A CERTAIN UNDERSTANDING ...
$
03 FOR GOD'S SAKE . $
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING HER MY POOR GIRL ? $
01 THAT 'S REALLY SOMETHING - I 'LL HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO HER A
FTER TEA . $
03 THEY 'RE JUST COMING ... $
IT 'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT . $
WHATEVER HE SAYS , YOU WON'T MIND ? $
08 WILL YOU ? $
03 OF COURSE NOT . $
08 WHATEVER HE SAYS ? $
03 I 'M USED TO IT . $
HE DOESN'T MEAN HALF OF IT . $
08 I KNOW . $
BUT IT 'S DIFFICULT ... $
03 WHAT ? $
08 TELLING WHICH HALF HE MEANS . $
01 RHODODENDRONS OUT ? $
02 YES , DEAR . $
01 A FINE SHOW OF RHODODENDRONS ... $
AND THE LITTLE SYRINGA ? $
02 JUST OUT . $
01 JUST OUT . $
AND SMELLING SWEETLY . $
AZALEAS DOING WELL ? $
02 THEY 'RE A LITTLE BROWN , ROUND THE EDGES ... $
01 AZALEAS DOING MODERATELY WELL ... $
OUR VISITOR HERE ? $
02 YES , DEAR . $
SHE 'S HERE . $
01 IS THAT YOU ? $
03 WE 'RE BOTH HERE . $
01 IS YOUR VISITOR ENJOYING THE GARDEN ? $
08 VERY MUCH . $
THANK YOU . $
01 GOOD . $
AND IS HE TREATING YOU WELL ? $
08 QUITE WELL . $
THANK YOU . $
01 I 'VE OFTEN WONDERED ABOUT MY SON . $
DOES HE TREAT GIRLS WELL ... ? $
03 WHY 'VE YOU WONDERED THAT ? $
01 I ONCE KNEW A MAN NAMED ARTHUR PENNYCUICK . $
LIKE YOU IN SOME WAYS . $
HE DIDN'T TREAT GIRLS WELL ... $
08 DIDN'T HE ? $
01 WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN , I WAS OUT WITH ARTHUR PENNYQUICK
 . $
AND HE PICKED UP A GIRL . $
IN THE PROMENADE OF THE OLD EMPIRE MUSIC HALL . $
AND BEFORE HE WENT OFF WITH HER , HE TOOK OFF HIS CUFF-LINKS
 AND GAVE THEM TO ME FOR SAFEKEEPING . $
IN HER PRESENCE ! $
I FELT SO SICK AND ANGRY , SEEING HIM TAKE OUT HIS OLD GOLD
CUFF-LINKS . $
I NEVER SPOKE TO HIM AGAIN . $
DISGUSTING ! $
03 YOU THINK IF YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE - YOU SHOULD TRUST TH
EM WITH YOUR CUFF-LINKS ? $
01 AT LEAST NOT TAKE THEM OUT - IN FRONT OF THE GIRL ! $
WELL , WE CAN SEE A FINE SHOW OF RHODODENDRONS . $
03 YES . $
01 A REWARD AT LAST , FOR A GOOD DEAL OF TEDIOUS POTTING UP
 . $
08 WHY DO YOU BOTHER ? $
01 WHAT ? $
08 I SAID WHY DO YOU BOTHER TO DO ALL THIS GARDENING ? $
I MEAN WHEN YOU CAN 'T SEE IT ... $
02 MY DEAR ... $
03 ELIZABETH ... $
08 WELL , HE CAN'T SEE , CAN HE ? $
WHY DO YOU ALL WALK ABOUT - PRETENDING HE 'S NOT BLIND ? $
01 IS THAT YOU ? $
08 YES ... $
01 WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO WEST COPSE ? $
I 'D LIKE ... A REPORT ON THE MAGNOLIA . $
WOULD YOU DO THAT ? $
BE MY EYES . $
08 COME ON , THEN ... $
02 WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AND HELP ME CUT UP THE MARMALADE ?
 $
03 WHY ? $
#79 $
02 I THINK WE OUGHT TO LET THEM , FIGHT IT OUT TOGETHER . $
01 COME OVER , DID YOU , IN YOUR OWN SMALL CAR ? $
08 YOU 'VE BEEN TRYING TO PUT HIM OFF . $
01 NOT AT ALL . $
08 I TOLD HIM . $
YOU 'D PUT HIM OFF . $
01 HE CAME TO ME FOR ADVICE . $
08 AND I SUPPOSE YOU GAVE IT . $
01 I NEVER GIVE ADVICE . $
IT 'S FAR TOO PRECIOUS . $
BIT OF AN ASSET , DON'T YOU FIND , THAT PRIVATE TRANSPORT ?
$
08 WE HAVE MADE UP OUR MINDS . $
01 AND YOUR CHILDREN , I BELIEVE , ARE PRETTY LIVELY . $
FOR CHILDREN ... $
08 HE GETS ON MARVELLOUSLY WITH THEM ... $
01 AND I BELIEVE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BITS AND PIECES OF FURNIT
URE . $
A BEDROOM SUITE , THEY TELL ME . $
IN A FINE STATE OF PRESERVATION . $
YOU 'RE A CATCH ! $
IF YOU WANT MY HONEST OPINION . $
08 THEN YOU OUGHT TO BE GLAD FOR HIM ... $
01 HIM ? $
LOOK HERE . $
JOKING APART . $
YOU DON'T WANT TO MARRY HIM , DO YOU ? $
I MEAN HE 'S GOT NO ASSETS ... OF ANY KIND . $
NOT EVEN ... A KITCHEN CABINET . $
AND HERE 'S ANOTHER THING ABOUT IT . $
08 WHAT ? $
01 HE WON'T LIKE IT , YOU KNOW . $
IF YOU HAVE THE FLU ... $
08 REALLY ... ? $
01 YOU SEE , MOST PEOPLE ARE NATURALLY SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS I
LLNESS . $
THEY 'RE KIND TO PEOPLE WITH HIGH TEMPERATURES . $
THEY EVER COSSET THEM . $
BUT NOT HIM ! $
HE RUNS A MILE . $
SNEEZE ONCE AND HE 'LL BE OFF ! $
IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION ! $
08 I DON'T GET ILL ALL THAT MUCH ... $
01 BUT WHEN YOU DO ... HE 'LL RUN A MILE ! $
08 I THOUGHT IT WAS ME YOU MIGHT DISAPPROVE OF ... $
01 WHY EVER ... ? $
08 THINK HE 'S MARRYING SOMEONE UNSUITABLE ... $
01 YOU HAVE PARTICULARLY NICE EYES THEY TELL ME . $
08 THANKS . $
01 AND SOME HANDSOME FURNITURE ... $
08 NOT MUCH . $
01 AND , AS YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF , YOUR OWN SMALL RUNABOUT .
 $
08 VERY BASHED . $
01 EVEN SO . $
NOT MANY GIRLS WITH ASSESTS OF THAT DESCRIPTION . $
COULDN'T YOU DO BETTER , THAN SOMEONE WHO BOLTS IF YOU GO TW
O TICKS ABOVE NORMAL ? $
08 I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT . $
01 OH DO THINK . $
THINK CAREFULLY ! $
THERE MUST BE BIGGER FISH THAN THAT IN YOUR OWN PARTICULAR S
EA . $
YOU ARE , I MEAN , SOMETHING OF A CATCH . $
YOU COULD CATCH BETTER FISH THAN THAT , I 'M PREPARED TO BET
 ON IT ... $
IT 'S GETTING COLD . $
08 I 'LL TAKE YOU IN . $
03 IN THAT CASE HIS ADVOCACY FAILED . $
IN TIME HE BECAME RECONCILED TO ME AS A HUSBAND FOR HIS DAUG
HTER-IN-LAW . $
HE WAS RIGHT , THOUGH . $
I HADN'T BARGAINED FOR THE VIM . $
08 MADE LOTS OF MONEY THIS WEEK ? $
03 TEN GUINEAS . $
FOR A DIVORCE . $
08 THAT 'S MARVELLOUS , DARLING . $
WE CAN BUY A NEW TIDY BIN . $
03 NO , WE CAN'T . $
08 WHY EVER NOT ? $
03 BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GOT PAID . $
YOU DON'T GET PAID FOR YEARS . $
IN THE LAW . $
08 CAN'T YOU ASK FOR IT ? $
03 OF COURSE I CAN'T . $
08 WHY NOT ? $
03 YOU JUST CAN'T KNOCK ON SOMEONE'S DOOR AND SAY ' WHAT ABO
UT THE TEN GUINEAS FOR THE DIVORCE ? ' $
08 I 'LL GO AND KNOCK IF YOU LIKE ... $
03 ANYWAY , GEORGE COLLECTS THE FEES ... $
08 GEORGE ... ? $
03 OUR CLERK . $
THAT 'S HIS DEPARTMENT . $
08 HE TOLD ME HIS REAL NAME 'S HENRY . $
03 MY FATHER CALLS HIM GEORGE . $
08 WHATEVER FOR ? $
03 BECAUSE HE ONCE HAD A CLERK CALLED GEORGE , WHO WAS KILLE
D ON THE SOMME ... $
SO WHEN HENRY TOOK OVER , MY FATHER WENT ON CALLING HIM GEOR
GE . $
08 HENRY DOESN'T MUCH LIKE THAT , IF YOU ASK ME . $
03 HE DOESN'T MIND . $
08 YOU ALWAYS THINK NO ONE MINDS - ABOUT YOUR FATHER ... $
03 LET 'S GO TO THE PUB . $
08 WHAT ON ? $
03 THE FAMILY ALLOWANCE . $
08 SO WE CAN'T HAVE A NEW TIDY BIN ? $
03 NOT THIS WEEK . $
NO ... $
08 OR A CHROMIUM THING TO HOLD THE LOO PAPER ? $
03 WELL ... $
08 WE 'RE RUNNING DESPERATELY SHORT OF VIM . $
03 THAT 'S MARRIAGE , ISN'T IT ? $
08 WHAT 'S MARRIAGE ? $
03 AN UNEXPECTEDLY LARGE EXPENDITURE ON VIM , SAUCEPAN SCOUR
ERS AND SUCHLIKE LUXURIES ... $
08 WHO 'S THAT - A QUOTATION FROM ? $
14 WE HAVE BEEN GOING , SIR , TO OUR PERSONAL DRAWER ! $
03 BUT GEORGE , IT 'S A CHEQUE , FOR ME ... $
14 WE SHOULD 'VE GIVEN IT OUT TO US , SIR . $
IN THE FULLNESS OF TIME ... $
03 FIFTEEN GUINEAS ! $
THANK GOD FOR ADULTERY . $
14 WE HAVE NEVER HAD A GENTLEMAN IN CHAMBERS THAT HAD TO GRU
B FOR MONEY IN OUR PERSONAL TOP DRAWER ... $
03 BUT , GEORGE , WE 'RE DESPERATE . $
FOR A TIDY BIN . $
14 THESE THINGS TAKE TIME , SIR . $
03 AND WHAT 'S THE POINT OF KEEPING GOOD MONEY SHUT UP WITH
A BOX OF OLD PEN NIBS AND A LYONS INDIVIDUAL FRUIT PIE . $
IS IT SUPPOSED TO BREED IN THERE OR SOMETHING ? $
IF YOU COULD ONLY GET ME SOME MORE WORK . $
14 WE CAN'T EXPECT MUCH CAN WE ? $
WE MUST WAIT UNTIL A FEW CLIENTS LEARN TO LIKE THE CUT OF OU
R JIB . $
03 I 'VE GOT A TALENT FOR DIVORCING PEOPLE . $
14 IT 'S NOT OUR WORK . $
IT 'S OUR CONVERSATION TO SOLICITORS THAT COUNTS . $
WHILE WE 'RE WAITING TO COME ON , AT LONDON SESSIONS . $
03 CONVERSATION ? $
14 DO WE ASK THEM ABOUT THEIR TOMATO PLANTS ? $
DO WE REMEMBER OURSELVES TO THEIR MOTOR MOWERS . $
DO WE SHOW A PROPER CONCERN FOR THEIR OPERATIONS AND THEIR D
AUGHTERS' FIGURE SKATING ? $
THAT 'S HOW WE RISE TO HEIGHTS , IN THE LAW . $
03 MY FATHER DOESN'T DO THAT . $
14 YOUR FATHER 'S A CASE APART . $
03 MY FATHER 'S OBNOXIOUS , TO SOLICITORS . $
#80 $
14 ' THE DEVIL DAMN THEE BLACK , THOU CREAM FACED LOON ! ' $
03 WHAT ? $
14 HE SAID THAT TO MR BINNS , WHEN HE 'D FORGOTTEN TO FILE H
IS AFFIDAVIT . $
YOUR FATHER IS SOMETHING OF AN EXCEPTION . $
03 YES . $
14 I SOMETIMES WONDER . $
DOES HE REALISE I 'M ONE OF THE MANY HENRYS OF THE WORLD ? $
03 YES , GEORGE . $
I 'M SURE HE DOES ... $
14 MR GARFIELD GOES DOWN TO THE FREE LEGAL CENTRE , HOLLOWAY
 ROAD . $
THAT 'S WHERE HE GOES OF A THURSDAY . $
HE PICKS UP THE ODD GUINEA OR TWO , ON POOR PERSONS' CASES .
 $
AND I DON'T HAVE HIM IN HERE , SIR , FERRETING ABOUT AMONG M
Y PACKED MEAL , SIR . $
03 MR GARFIELD LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER - HE SPENDS NOTHING AT
 ALL ON VIM ! $
14 HE TAKES THE VIEW HE MIGHT RISE TO FAME FROM THE FREE LEG
AL CENTRE . $
HE SAYS A MURDERER MIGHT RUSH IN THERE OFF THE STREETS ANY D
AY OF THE WEEK ... $
03 SO I WENT TO THE FREE LEGAL CENTRE . $
TO A SMALL ROOM THAT SMELT OF OLD GYM SHOES AND COCONUT MATT
ING WHERE YOU COULD HEAR THE DISTANT SOUNDS OF BILLIARDS AND
 PUNCH-UPS FROM THE YOUTH CLUB AND PRAY THAT A MURDERER , ST
ILL CLUTCHING THE DRIPPING KNIFE , MIGHT BURST IN FROM THE H
OLLOWAY ROAD AND BEG URGENTLY FOR LEGAL AID . $
NO MURDERERS IN TONIGHT I SUPPOSE , MISS BULSTRODE ? $
25 THERE 'S MRS PASSADINI . $
NINETY TWO YEARS OLD AND THE LANDLORD 'S EVICTING HER . $
THESE PEOPLE ARE NEVER SATISFIED . $
03 I MIGHT MAKE DO WITH A HIGH TREASON ... $
25 AND MRS EGBERT'S HUSBAND 'S JUST GONE OFF WITH A SEVENTEE
N-YEAR-OLD CAPSTAN OPERATOR AND LEFT HER WITH SIX CHILDREN .
 $
IT'S A PERFECTLY NORMAL SOCIAL SITUATION . $
FOR SOME REASON OR OTHER SHE CAN'T ADJUST . $
AND THEN ... $
03 YES ? $
25 I 'M SENDING YOU UP TO MY MR MORROW . $
I CHOSE YOU OUT FOR HIM SPECIALLY . $
03 WHY ME ? $
25 HE MAKES MR GARFIELD FAINT . $
03 BACK IN CHAMBERS MY FATHER , SMELLING OF EAU DE COLOGNE A
ND OCCASIONAL CIGARS , SAT AMONG HIS RELICS , THE BLOWN DUCK
 EGG ON WHICH A CLIENT'S WILL HAD ONCE BEEN WRITTEN , THE CA
RICATURES OF HIMSELF IN GREAT CASES , THE PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE
 SIGNATURES IN A NOTORIOUS FORGERY . $
HE WROTE A GREAT TEXTBOOK ON THE LAW OF WILLS ... BECOMING
 EXPERT IN THE HABITS OF MAD OLD LADIES WHO WENT FISHING FOR
 GOLD UNDER THEIR BEDS AND LEFT ALL THEIR MONEY TO UNDESIRAB
LE CAUSES . $
01 LET 'S CHOOSE EXECUTORS AND TALK OF WILLS . $
03 IN THE HOLLOWAY ROAD , I WAITED FOR MORE OBSCURE PROBLEMS
 . $
22 ARE YOU THE LAWYER ? $
03 MR MORROW ? $
IS IT MATRIMONIAL ? $
22 YES , SIR . $
IN A SENSE ... $
03 YOU WERE MARRIED ON ... ? $
22 THE SIXTH DAY OF ONE MONTH . $
I PREFER NOT TO USE THE HEATHEN NOTATION . $
03 1940 ? $
22 YES . $
1940 . $
03 I HAVE TO PUT IT DOWN ON THIS FORM , YOU SEE . $
NOW - MATRIMONIAL OFFENCE : I MEAN , WHAT IS THE TROUBLE ? $
22 THE CORPUSCLES . $
03 THERE 'S NO PLACE ON THE FREE LEGAL FORM FOR CORPUSCLES .
 $
22 WHICH , HOWEVER , IS THE TROUBLE ... $
THAT 'S WHAT I WANT , SIR . $
THE LEGAL POSITION ... $
SHE 'S ON TO THE RED ONES NOW . $
I COULD JUST ABOUT STAND IT WHEN SHE ONLY TOOK THE WHITE . $
AND MY CHILD , SIR . $
MY PAMELA . $
I HAVE A VERY PARTICULAR RESPECT FOR THAT CHILD , WHO IS NOW
 LOSING HER HEARTY APPETITE . $
03 WHAT 'S YOUR WIFE DOING EXACTLY ? $
22 SHE IS EATING OUR RED CORPUSCLES . $
03 IF YOU 'RE FEELING UNWELL , MR MORROW ... $
22 SHE DRAINS THEM FROM US , BY THE USE OF HER SPECS . $
THAT IS HOW SHE DRAINS THEM OUT . $
SHE FOCUSES HER RIMLESS SPECS UPON OUR BODIES , AND SO OUR B
ODIES BLEED . $
03 MR MORROW ... $
22 I WAS STANDING UPON THE HEARTH RUG , SIR , WHICH LIES UPO
N MY ... HEARTH . $
I LOOKED DOWN BETWEEN MY LEGS AND I SAW IT THERE . $
THE SCARLET FLOWER . $
THERE WAS THE STAIN OF BLOOD ON MY WHITE FLEECY RUG , SIR ,
RED BETWEEN MY LEGS . $
03 HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS AT ALL , MR MORRO
W ? $
22 I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER , SIR . $
BUT SHE IS FORGIVEN . $
ALL THE SAME I FEEL SHE HAS LET ME DOWN . $
WHEN IT WAS THE WHITE SHE TRAINED HER EYES ON , SIR , IT WAS
MORE OR LESS IMMATERIAL . $
BUT NOW SHE 'S AFTER MY VITAL STRENGTH . $
03 LEGALLY ... $
22 A MAN STANDS ENTITLED TO HIS OWN BLOOD , SURELY . $
IT MUST BE SO . $
03 I KNOW OF NO CASE ACTUALLY DECIDED , ON THIS PARTICULAR P
OINT . $
22 YOU 'RE ADVISING ME TO GO TO DONCASTER , THEN ? $
03 YOU ... MIGHT AS WELL . $
22 IT 'S YOUR CONSIDERED AND EXPERT OPINION , HER DESTRUCTIV
E EYE WON'T BE UPON ME IN DONCASTER ? $
03 WHY NOT TRY IT ANYWAY ? $
22 VERY WELL , SIR . $
I BOW TO YOUR HONEST OPINION . $
I SHALL DISCONTINUE ALL LEGAL PROCEEDINGS AND PROCEED TO DON
CASTER . $
WILL YOU REQUIRE MY SIGNATURE TO THAT EFFECT ? $
03 WELL , NO . $
I HARDLY THINK SO . $
22 THAT 'S AS WELL , AS IT SO HAPPENS . $
I NEVER SIGN , FOR ETHICAL REASONS . $
IT 'S NOT THE BLOOD I MISS , SIR . $
IT 'S THE CHILD WE MUST CONSIDER . $
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT . $
01 ' LET 'S CHOOSE EXECUTORS AND TALK OF WILLS ! ' $
25 MR MORROW LOOKS WELL CONTENTED . $
03 HE SHOULD . $
HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED OF THE LAW . $
01 ' AND YET NOT SO ... $
FOR WHAT CAN WE BEQUEATH ? $
SAVE OUR DEPOSED BODIES TO THE GROUND . $
OUR LAND , OUR LIVES AND ALL ARE BOLINGBROKE'S . $
AND NOTHING CAN WE CALL OUR OWN BUT DEATH AND THAT SMALL MOD
EL OF THE BARREN EARTH ... $
THAT SERVES AS PASTE AND COVER TO OUR BONES . ' $
... YOU 'RE BACK FROM LUNCH . $
03 YES . $
01 YOU TOOK A LONG TIME . $
03 I WAS TALKING TO A MAN - HE MIGHT WANT TO PUT ON MY PLAY
... $
01 POSSIBLY YOU 'D WORK HARDER IF YOU WERE A WOMAN BARRISTER
 . $
03 POSSIBLY ... $
01 I 'VE OFTEN SAID TO GEORGE , ' LET 'S HAVE A WOMAN IN CHA
MBERS ' . $
WOMEN WORK SO MUCH HARDER THAN MEN , THEY CAN BE IMPOSED ON
SO MUCH MORE EASILY . $
LOOK HOW SERIOUSLY GIRLS' SCHOOLS TAKE LACROSSE ! $
THEY 'D TREAT THE LAW LIKE THAT . $
I COULD GET A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF WORK FROM A WOMAN PUPIL .
. $
03 WHAT DOES GEORGE SAY ? $
01 HE SAYS THERE 'S NOT THE TOILET FACILITIES ... $
BUT YOU KNOW OLD CARTER DAVIDSON ONCE HAD A WOMAN PUPIL . $
HE OCCUPIED THE BASEMENT HERE , ROOMS EASILY VISIBLE FROM TH
E GARDEN WHERE THE MASTERS OF THE BENCH STROLL , AFTER DINNE
R . $
WELL , THEY WERE STROLLING THERE , HISTORY RELATES , AFTER A
 GRAND NIGHT WITH SOME KIND OF ROYAL PERSONAGE , KING , QUEE
N , PRINCESS ... SOMETHING OF THE KIND , AND GLANCING DOWN ,
 WHAT DID THEY SEE ? $
03 WELL - WHAT ? $
01 CARTER DAVIDSON AND HIS WOMAN PUPIL ! $
NAKED AS PUPPIES , STRETCHED OUT ON THE PERSIAN RUG . $
WELL , NOT A WORD WAS SAID , BUT DO YOU KNOW ? $
#81 $
03 WHAT ? $
01 NEXT DAY SIR CARTER DAVIDSON WAS APPOINTED CHIEF JUSTICE
OF THE SEAWARD ISLES . $
THEY SHIPPED HIM OFF , TEN THOUSAND MILES FROM THE INNS OF C
OURT . $
HE COULDN'T EVER UNDERSTAND WHY . $
WELL , THAT 'S ONE WAY TO GET A BLOOMING KNIGHTHOOD ... $
ENJOYING THE LAW , ARE YOU ... ? $
03 NOT ALL THAT MUCH . $
01 PLAYS ARE ALL VERY WELL . $
PHOTOGRAPHS IN THE PAPER MAY BE ALL VERY FINE AND LARGE . $
BUT YOU NEED SOMETHING REAL ! $
HOLD HARD ON THE LAW . $
03 ARE YOU SURE THE LAW 'S REAL ? $
01 WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN ? $
03 NO ONE SEEMS TO NEED IT ... EXCEPT LAWYERS ... $
01 THE LAW 'S NOT DESIGNED FOR IMBECILES , OF YOUR FRIENDS W
HO COMBINE THE ART OF BEING CALLED BILL WITH MEMBERSHIP OF T
HE FEMALE SEX . $
IT 'S NOT EXACTLY TAILOR-MADE FOR THE POET PERCY BYSSHE SHEL
LEY ... $
NO ! $
THE WHOLE POINT OF THE LAW IS - IT 'S DESIGNED FOR THE ORDIN
ARY EVERYDAY CITIZEN SEATED ABOARD THE ORDINARY , EVERYDAY H
OLBORN TRAMCAR . $
03 I DON'T THINK THEY HAVE TRAMS IN HOLBORN ANY MORE . $
01 THAT 'S HARDLY THE POINT . $
03 NO TRAMS AND NO ORDINARY COMMONSENSE CITIZEN SITTING ON T
HEM OR ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD . $
THEY 'RE ALL BUSY THINKING OF THE THINGS THAT REALLY WORRY T
HEM , LIKE THE SHAPES ON THE CEILINGS AND THE STAINS ON THE
CARPET , AND THEY ONLY PRETEND TO BE ORDINARY COMMONSENSE CI
TIZENS WHEN THEY NEED LAWYERS . $
IT 'S A DISGUISE THEY PUT ON , LIKE THE BLUE SUITS AND OLD B
OY SCOUT BUTTONS AND THE TERRIBLE VOICE THEY USE TO TAKE THE
BIBLE OATH . $
THEY 'RE DECEIVING YOU , THAT 'S WHAT THEY 'RE DOING . $
THEY THINK IF THEY PLAY YOUR GAME WE 'LL LET THEM OFF THEIR
DEBTS , OR ORDER THEIR WIVES TO PERMIT THEM SEXUAL INTERCOUR
SE , OR LIBERATE THEM FROM OLD POINTLESS CRIMES NO ONE HOLDS
 AGAINST THEM AWAY . $
ALL THAT COMMONSENSE LEGAL LANGUAGE WE 'RE SO PROUD OF - I T
ELL YOU HONESTLY , IT MIGHT AS WELL BE CHINESE ... $
01 AH , WELL NOW ... $
YOU CAN GET A LOT OF INNOCENT FUN OUT OF THE LAW . $
HOW 'S YOUR CROSS ? $
03 WHAT ? $
01 YOUR CROSS-EXAMINATION . $
IN COURT - HAVE YOU THE MAKINGS OF A CROSS-EXAMINER ? $
03 I DON'T KNOW . $
01 TIMING IS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE . $
IN THE ART OF CROSS-EXAMINATION . $
03 THAT 'S SHOW BUSINESS . $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
03 AN EXPRESSION , USED BY ACTORS ? $
01 REALLY ? $
HOW INTERESTING . $
NOW I ALWAYS COUNT , IN SILENCE OF COURSE , UP TO FORTY-THRE
E BEFORE STARTING A CROSS-EXAMINATION . $
03 WHATEVER FOR ? $
01 THE WITNESS IMAGINES YOU 'RE THINKING UP SOME UTTERLY DEV
ASTATING QUESTION . $
03 AND ARE YOU ? $
01 OF COURSE NOT . $
I 'M JUST COUNTING . $
UP TO FORTY-THREE . $
HOWEVER , IT UNNERVES THE GENTLEMAN IN THE BOX . $
THEN , START OFF WITH THE KNOCK OUT ! $
DON'T LEAVE IT TILL THE END ; GO IN WITH YOUR GUNS BLAZING !
 $
ASK HIM ... $
03 WHAT ? $
01 IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR CONDUCT , MR NOKES , OF WHICH ,
 LOOKING BACK ON IT , YOU NOW FEEL HEARTILY ASHAMED ? $
03 IS THAT A GOOD QUESTION ? $
01 IT 'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION ! $
03 WHY EXACTLY ? $
01 BECAUSE IF HE SAYS ' YES ' HE 'S MADE AN ADMISSION , AND
IF HE SAYS ' NO ' HE 'S A SELF-SATISFIED IDIOT AND HE 'S LOS
T THE SYMPATHY OF THE COURT . $
03 ANYTHING ELSE ? $
01 SAY YOU 'VE GOT A LETTER IN WHICH HE ADMITS SOMETHING DIS
CREDITABLE ... LIKE , WELL HAVING APOLOGISED TO HIS WIFE , F
OR INSTANCE ... $
NOW THEN , HOW 'RE YOU GOING TO PUT THAT TO HIM ? $
03 DID YOU , OR DID YOU NOT ... $
01 NOT BAD . $
03 WRITE A LETTER APOLOGISING TO YOUR WIFE ? $
01 WELL , I SUPPOSE YOU 'RE YOUNG . $
03 ISN'T THAT RIGHT ? $
01 NOT WHAT I SHOULD CALL THE ART OF CROSS-EXAMINATION . $
03 SO HOW ... ? $
01 YOU BE NOKES . $
03 ALL RIGHT . $
01 YOU BEHAVED DISGRACEFULLY TO YOUR WIFE , DID YOU NOT ? $
03 NO . $
01 IN FACT , SO DISGRACEFULLY THAT YOU HAD TO APOLOGISE TO H
ER . $
03 I DON'T REMEMBER . $
01 WILL YOU SWEAR YOU DID NOT ? $
03 WHAT ? $
01 WILL YOU SWEAR YOU DIDN'T APOLOGISE TO HER ? $
03 ALL RIGHT . $
01 NOW PLEASE TURN TO THE LETTER ON PAGE 23 . $
JUST READ IT OUT TO US , WILL YOU ? $
03 I SEE . $
WHAT 'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS ACTUALLY ? $
01 THE POINT . $
MY DEAR BOY , THE POINT IS TO DO DOWN YOUR OPPONENT . $
TO OBLITERATE WHOEVER 'S AGIN YOU . $
THAT 'S WHAT THE POINT OF IT IS ... $
AND , OF COURSE , TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN , WHILE YOU 'RE ABOUT
 IT . $
03 MY FATHER GOT TOO OLD FOR THE TRAIN JOURNEY TO LONDON ...
 $
MY FATHER RETIRED ON A PENSION OF NOTHING BUT CREDIT , OPTIM
ISM AND THE DETERMINATION NOT TO THINK OF ANYTHING UNPLEASAN
T . $
HIS MONEY HAD GONE ON CIGARS AND BARRELS OF OYSTERS AND EAU
DE COLOGNE FOR HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND ALWAYS FIRST CLASS ON TH
E RAILWAY AND GREAT RARE JAPANESE CHERRY TREES THAT RUSTLED
IN THE WIND AND FLOWERED FOR TWO WEEKS A YEAR IN A GREEN-WHI
TE SHOWER HE NEVER SAW . $
HE LEFT TO ME ALL THE SUBTLE PLEASURES OF THE LAW ... $
15 DO YOU WANT TO CROSS-EXAMINE THIS WITNESS ? $
03 CERTAINLY , MY LORD . $
15 VERY WELL , GET ON WITH IT . $
03 NOW , MADAM ... $
26 YES . $
03 ONE ... TWO ... THREE ... FOUR ... FIVE ... SIX ... SEVEN
 ... EIGHT ... NINE ... $
15 ARE YOU INTENDING TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS ? $
03 TWELVE ... THIRTEEN ... $
I 'M SORRY , MY LORD ... ? $
15 IF YOU 'VE GOT A QUESTION TO ASK , ASK IT . $
WE CAN'T ALL WAIT WHILE YOU STAND IN SILENT PRAYER , YOU KNO
W . $
03 I 'M SORRY , MY LORD ... $
NOW , MADAM . $
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU 'VE EVER DONE YOU 'RE ASHAMED OF ? $
26 YES . $
03 AH . $
AND WHAT 'RE YOU ASHAMED OF ? $
26 I ONCE WROTE UP FOR AN AUTOGRAPH ... WITH PICTURE . $
YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF THING . $
AT MY AGE ! $
WELL , I BEGAN OFF ' AM HEARTILY ASHAMED TO WRITE UP BUT - '
 $
15 HAVE YOU ANY RELEVANT QUESTIONS ? $
03 WILL YOU PLEASE READ THIS LETTER ? $
THIS ONE I AM ABOUT TO HAND YOU ... $
26 OH , YES . $
03 READ IT OUT TO US , PLEASE . $
26 I CAN'T ... $
03 MADAM . $
THE COURT IS WAITING ... $
26 I REALLY CAN'T . $
03 IS THERE SOMETHING THERE YOU 'D RATHER NOT REMEMBER ? $
26 NOT EXACTLY ... $
03 THEN READ IT , MADAM ! $
26 COULD I BORROW YOUR GLASSES ? $
03 VICTORY ! $
08 WHAT HAPPENED , DARLING ? $
03 I WON THAT CASE . $
WE 'RE CELEBRATING . $
#82 $
08 CAN WE AFFORD IT . $
03 YOU ASK THE MOST RIDICULOUS QUESTIONS . $
TO BROKEN HOMES ! $
08 SOMETIMES YOU MAKE MY BLOOD RUN COLD . $
03 WE 'RE GOING OUT . $
08 TO THE PUB ? $
03 TO HELL WITH THE PUB ! $
WE 'RE GOING TO THE GARGOYLE . $
SOFT LIGHTS . $
GOLDEN MIRRORS . $
AND A DISTANT VIEW OF DYLAN THOMAS VOMITING ON THE STAIRS .
$
08 WHAT A TREAT ! $
YOU 'RE VERY CLEVER , DARLING . $
03 YES . $
08 THE ONLY THING IS ... $
03 WHAT ? $
08 I THOUGHT ... I MEAN IN THAT DIVORCE CASE . $
WEREN'T YOU FOR THE HUSBAND ? $
03 OF COURSE I WAS FOR THE HUSBAND . $
08 WASN'T HE THE MAN WHO INSISTED ON HIS WIFE TICKLING THE S
OLES OF HIS FEET . $
FOR HOURS AT A STRETCH ... $
03 IT WAS ONLY WHILE THEY WATCHED TELEVISION . $
08 WITH A CONTRAPTION ! $
A FOOT TICKLER ... ? $
03 SOMETHING HE IMPROVISED . $
WITH A SYSTEM OF WEIGHTS AND PULLEYS . $
IT WAS INGENIOUS ACTUALLY . $
THE WORK WAS DONE WITH AN OLD PIPE CLEANER . $
08 OUGHT HE TO HAVE WON ? $
03 I WON ? $
08 BUT OUGHT YOU ... ? $
03 THE JUDGE SAID IT WAS PART OF THE WEAR AND TEAR OF MARRIE
D LIFE . $
08 YES , BUT HOW DID THEY FEEL ABOUT IT ? $
I MEAN , I SUPPOSE THEY 'RE STILL MARRIED , AREN'T THEY ? $
03 THEY LOOKED A LITTLE CONFUSED . $
08 PERHAPS THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE , THE RULES OF THE GAME ..
. $
03 I ENJOYED IT ... $
08 YOU ENJOYED PLAYING GAMES ? $
03 I ... I SUPPOSE SO . $
08 YOU KNOW WHAT ? $
03 WHAT ? $
08 YOU GET MORE LIKE HIM . $
EVERY DAY . $
03 IN HIS OLD AGE MY FATHER'S CHIEF SPORT WAS TRYING TO STAR
T ARGUMENTS AT MEALS . $
01 MUSIC ! $
I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE ACTUALLY LIKING MUSIC . $
THE IMMORTALITY OF THE SOUL ! $
WHAT A BORING CONCEPTION ! $
CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING WORSE THAN LIVING FOR INFINITY IN A
GREAT TRANSCENDENTAL HOTEL , WITH NOTHING TO DO IN THE EVENI
NGS ... $
03 BOREDOM WAS HIS GREAT FEAR . $
TIME HIS TERROR . $
01 WHAT 'S THE TIME ? $
02 HALF PAST EIGHT . $
01 AH ! $
THE TIME 'S NIPPING ALONG NICELY . $
NOTHING NARROWS THE MIND SO MUCH AS FOREIGN TRAVEL . $
STAY AT HOME . $
THAT 'S THE WAY TO SEE THE WORLD . $
08 I DON'T KNOW THAT THAT 'S TRUE . $
01 OF COURSE IT 'S TRUE ! $
AND I 'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE , ELIZABETH . $
JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US . $
THERE 'S A LOT OF SORRY STUFF IN D H LAWRENCE . $
08 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT , EITHER . $
01 OH YES THERE IS . $
AND A LOT OF DAMNED DUFF STUFF IN OLD PROUST . $
DID YOU HEAR THAT , ELIZABETH ? $
LOT OF DAMNED DULL STUFF IN OLD PROUST . $
08 YES . $
I HEARD . $
01 I 'LL SAY ONE THING FOR YOU . $
AT LEAST YOU 'RE AN IMPROVEMENT ON THE ONES HE USED TO BRING
 HOME . $
GIRLS THAT WOULD CLOSET THEMSELVES IN THE BATHROOM FOR HOURS
 ON END . $
AND NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT ... $
#83 $
03 I WONDER - WHAT DID HE THINK OF ME ? $
01 AT LEAST MY SON 'S SOMEONE TO TALK TO . $
MOST PEOPLE GET DAMNED DULL CHILDREN . $
IS THAT YOU ? $
03 YES . $
01 YOUR PLAY CAME ACROSS QUITE WELL THEY TOLD ME . $
03 YES . $
02 WON'T YOU HAVE ONE OF MY LITTLE TARTS ? $
01 I SEE THAT OTHER FELLOW'S PLAY GOT VERY GOOD NOTICES . $
YOU WANT TO WATCH OUT HE DOESN'T PUT YOUR NOSE OUT OF JOINT
. $
I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING LATELY . $
AND SOMETIMES WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP , YOU KNOW , I LIKE TO MAKE
 A LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I REALLY HATE . $
02 DO HAVE ONE OF MY LITTLE TARTS , ELIZABETH . $
08 IS IT A LONG LIST ? $
01 NOT VERY . $
SOFT EGGS . $
COLD PLATES . $
WAITING FOR THINGS . $
PARSONS . $
03 PARSONS ? $
01 YES . $
PARSONS . $
ON THE WIRELESS . $
IF THOSE FELLOWS BORE GOD AS MUCH AS THEY BORE ME , I 'M SOR
RY FOR HIM ... $
08 MY FATHER 'S A PARSON . $
01 I KNOW . $
' NYMPH , IN THY ORISONS BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBERED . ' $
IS THAT A WASP ? $
02 YES , DEAR . $
01 WHAT 'S IT DOING ? $
02 IT 'S GOING AWAY . $
01 AFTER YOU 'VE BEEN TROUBLED BY A WASP , DON'T YOU LOVE A
FLY ? $
DON'T THE EVENINGS SEEM TERRIBLY LONG NOW YOU 'RE MARRIED ?
 $
AREN'T YOU FINDING IT TREMENDOUSLY TEDIOUS ? $
WHAT DO YOU DO - HAVE WIRELESS ? $
08 WE DON'T GET BORED , EXACTLY . $
03 WE CAN ALWAYS QUARREL . $
01 I WAS SURPRISED TO HEAR ABOUT THAT PLAY OF YOURS . $
03 WERE YOU ? $
01 WHEN YOU TOLD US THE STORY OF THAT PLAY , I SAID ' HA HA
. $
THIS IS A BIT THIN . $
THIS IS RATHER POOR FOOLING . ' $
DIDN'T I SAY THAT ? $
02 YES , DEAR . $
01 ' THIS IS LIKELY TO COME VERY TARDY OFF . ' $
BUT NOW IT APPEARS TO HAVE COME ACROSS QUITE WELL . $
DIDN'T THAT SURPRISE YOU , ELIZABETH ? $
08 WELL ... $
03 SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT . $
01 WHAT ? $
03 ELIZABETH DOESN'T LIKE IT VERY MUCH . $
01 REALLY ? $
THAT 'S INTERESTING . $
NOW TELL ME WHY ... $
08 NOT SERIOUS . $
01 YOU DON'T THINK SO ? $
YOU THINK HE 'S NOT SERIOUS . $
08 HE PLAYS GAMES . $
HE MAKES JOKES . $
WHEN THE TIME COMES TO SAY ANYTHING SERIOUS IT 'S AS IF ...
$
03 OH , FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE ! $
01 GO ON . $
08 THERE WAS SOMETHING STOPPING HIM . $
ALL THE TIME ... $
01 IS THAT TRUE ? $
I WONDER WHY THAT IS ... $
08 I SHOULD THINK YOU 'D KNOW . $
01 WHY ? $
08 BECAUSE YOU 'VE NEVER REALLY SAID ANYTHING SERIOUS TO HIM
 , HAVE YOU ? $
NO ONE HERE EVER SAYS ANYTHING ... $
THEY MAKE JOKES ... AND TELL STORIES ... AND SOMETHING 'S HA
PPENING ! $
03 ELIZABETH . $
IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SAID . $
08 SOMETIMES . $
SOMETIMES IT HAS TO . $
01 ALL RIGHT . $
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ME SAY ? $
WHAT WORDS ... OF WISDOM ? $
' SHE WAS AS BEEOOTIFUL AS A BUTTERFLY AND PROUD AS A QUEEN
WAS PRETTY LITTLE POLLY PERKINS OF PADDINGTON GREEN ... ' $
#84 $
03 HE HAD NO MESSAGE . $
I THINK HE HAD NO BELIEF . $
HE WAS THE ADVOCATE WHO CAN TAKE THE SIDE THAT COMES TO HIM
FIRST AND ALWAYS DISCOVER WORDS TO ANGER HIS OPPONENT . $
HE WAS THE CHALLENGER WHO FLUNG HIS GLOVE DOWN IN THE DARKNE
SS AND WAITED FOR AN ARGUMENT . $
AND WHEN THE CHILDREN CAME TO SEE HIM HE TOLD THEM NO MORE ,
 AND NO LESS , THAN HE 'D TOLD TO ME ... $
01 WHO 'S THIS ? $
30 DANIEL ... $
01 OH REALLY . $
AND YOU 'RE ... $
32 I 'M JENNIFER ... $
30 I 'M DANIEL . $
HONESTLY . $
31 SHE 'S A LIAR . $
01 OH COME NOW . $
IF SHE SAY 'S SHE 'S DANIEL - SHOULDN'T WE TAKE HER WORD FOR
 IT ? $
32 TELL US SOME MORE ... $
01 WHAT ABOUT ? $
31 THE MACBETHS ... $
30 THE MACBETHS ! $
01 DUNSINANE ! $
WHAT A DREADFUL PLACE TO STAY ... FOR THE WEEKEND . $
DRAUGHTS . $
NO HOT WATER . $
NO WIRELESS ! $
THE ALARM BELL GOING OFF IN THE NIGHT JUST WHEN YOU LEAST EX
PECTED IT . $
AND FINALLY ... $
THE DINNER PARTY ! $
33 GO ON ! $
TELL US ! $
TELL US ABOUT THE DINNER PARTY ! $
01 A MOST EMBARRASSING AFFAIR . $
DINNER WITH THE MACBETHS . $
AND EVERYONE 'S SITTING DOWN ... QUITE COMFORTABLE . $
AND HIS WIFE SAYS ' COME AND SIT DOWN , DEAR . $
THE SOUP 'S GETTING COLD ... $
' AND HE TURNS TO HIS CHAIR AND SEES ... $
SOMEONE ... $
SOMETHING , HORRIBLE ! $
BANQUO ... $
' THE TIME HAS BEEN THAT , WHEN THE BRAINS WERE OUT A MAN WO
ULD DIE AND THERE AN END , BUT NOW THEY RISE AGAIN WITH TWEN
TY MORTAL MURDERS AN THEIR CROWNS AND PUSH US FROM OUR STOOL
S ... ' $
03 I USED TO SCREAM WHEN HE DID THAT TO ME . $
HIS MIND WAS FULL OF THE BOOKS HE READ AS A BOY , LYING IN T
HE HOT FIELDS OF HIS PRICKLY NORFOLK JACKET . $
HE TOLD THEM ABOUT FOGGY AFTERNOONS IN BAKER STREET AND SABR
ES AT DAWN AT SPARDAU CASTLE , AND UMSLOPAGAS AND ALAN QUART
ERMAINE AND SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED . $
HE SPOKE OF THEM OF THE ABSURDITIES OF HIS LIFE ... $
01 MY OLD FATHER WAS A GREAT ONE FOR DOING UNWELCOME ACTS OF
 KINDNESS ! $
RECALL HIS RASH CONDUCT IN THE AFFAIR OF MY UNCLE GEORGE'S D
OG ... $
32 IT 'S THE DOG ... ! $
31 GO ON ABOUT THE DOG . $
30 UNCLE GEORGE'S DOG ... $
01 MY POOR UNCLE GEORGE FELL ON EVIL DAYS ... AND HAD TO SEL
L HIS FAITHFUL POINTER . $
AND MY FATHER , THINKING HE WAS HEARTBROKEN , WENT FURTIVELY
 ABOUT ... TO BUY THE ANIMAL BACK . $
IT WAS A MOST ... $
30 LUGUBRIOUS HOUND ? $
01 WITH A LONG POWERFUL RUDDER ! $
IT SELDOM OR NEVER SMILED . $
IT WAS NOT SO MUCH DANGEROUS AS ... $
32 DEPRESSING ? $
01 DEPRESSING INDEED ! $
AND AS SOON AS HE SAW IT , MY UNCLE GEORGE WENT OFF TO UXBRI
DGE WHERE HE HAD TAKEN A POST WITH GOOD PROSPECTS AND DIGGIN
GS AT WHICH ANIMALS WERE UNFORTUNATELY NOT PERMITTED ... $
HE SHED NO TEARS , TO MY OLD FATHER'S SURPRISE , AT PARTING
FROM HIS DUMB FRIEND WHO THEN TOOK UP RESIDENCE WITH US . $
A MOST ... $
30 UNWELCOME GUEST ... ! $
01 NOW AT THAT TIME MY BROTHER CONDUCTED EVENING CLASSES . $
IN PITMAN'S SHORTHAND ! $
AND THE DOG USED TO CROUCH AT THE CORNER OF THE HOUSE BY NIG
HT AND WHEN MY BROTHER'S PUPILS ARRIVED HE FOOLISHLY MISTOOK
 THEM FOR BURGLARS AND SPRANG OUT AT THEM ! $
OUR HOUSE HAPPENED TO BE BUILT ON A SORT OF LOW CLIFF , AND
MORE THAN ONE OF THE STUDENTS DROPPED OFF THE EDGE OF THE CL
IFF AND WAS BADLY HURT ! $
08 WE MUST GET BACK . $
WE MUST REALLY . $
33 NO MUMMY . $
IT 'S THE ONE ABOUT THE DOG ... $
LET 'S FINISH THE DOG . $
01 MY BROTHER'S SHORTHAND LESSONS BECAME UNPOPULAR . $
WE OFFERED THE DOG TO ANYONE WHO 'D PROVIDE A GOOD HOME FOR
IT . $
THEN WE SAID WE 'D BE CONTENT WITH A THOROUGHLY BAD HOME FOR
 THE DOG . $
FINALLY WE HAD TO PAY THE OWNER A LARGE SUM OF MONEY TO TAKE
 THE ANIMAL BACK . $
BUT MY MOTHER AND I USED TO REMEMBER TERRIBLE STORIES - ABOU
T FAITHFUL HOUNDS WHO WERE ABLE TO FIND THEIR WAY HOME ... $
33 OVER IMMENSE DISTANCES ! $
08 COME ON NOW . $
WE MUST GO , REALLY . $
03 THE ENORMOUS GARDEN BECAME DARK AND OVERGROWN IN SPREADIN
G PATCHES . $
HE CONTINUED , EVERY DAY , TO CHRONICLE ITS PROGRESS IN THE
DIARY HE DICTATED . $
01 PUT SODIUM CHLORATE ON THE FRONT PATH . $
WE HAD RASPBERRY PIE FROM OUR OWN RASPBERRIES . $
THE DAHLIAS ARE COMING INTO FLOWER . $
THE JAYS ARE EATING ALL THE PEAS ... $
03 WILLOW HERB AND THISTLES AND BRIGHT POPPIES GREW UP . $
THE FRUIT CAGE COLLAPSED LIKE A SHAKEN TEMPLE AND WOODS SUPP
ORTED THE TUMBLED NETTING ... $
THE RHODODENDRONS AND YEW HEDGES GREW HIGH AS A JUNGLE , TAL
L AND DARK AND UNCONTROLLED , LIT WITH UNEXPECTED FLOWERS ..
. $
01 THOMAS CAME AND WE SAW HIM STANDING STILL AMONG THE CAMEL
IAS ... $
03 A BOY WAS HIRED TO ENGAGE THE GARDEN IN SINGLE COMBAT . $
HIS NAME WAS NOT THOMAS . $
01 PLANTED A HUNDRED WHITE CROCUS AND STAKED UP THE MALVA AL
COA . $
A DRAGON FLY CAME INTO THE SITTING ROOM . $
THOMAS WAS PAID . $
AM LAID UP . $
THE PEST OFFICER ARRIVED TO ELIMINATE THE WASP NESTS . $
UNHAPPILY I COULDN'T WATCH THE DESTRUCTION ... $
03 IN THE SUMMER , WITH THE GARDEN AT ITS MOST TURBULENT , H
E BECAME , SUDDENLY , VERY OLD AND ILL ... $
08 ' WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE FOR BREAKFAST , MR PHELPS ?
' SAID HOLMES . $
' CURRIED FOWL , EGGS OR WILL YOU HELP YOURSELF ? ' $
' THANK YOU , I CAN EAT NOTHING , ' SAID PHELPS . $
' OH COME . $
TRY THE DISH BEFORE YOU . ' $
' THANK YOU , I WOULD REALLY RATHER NOT . ' $
WELL , THEN , ' SAID HOLMES , WITH A MISCHIEVOUS TWINKLE , '
 I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE NO OBJECTIONS TO HELPING ME ? ' $
' PHELPS RAISED THE COVER , AND AS HE DID SO , UTTERED A SCR
EAM , AND SAT THERE STARING WITH HIS FACE AS WHITE AS THE PL
ATE UPON WHICH HE LOOKED . $
ACROSS THE CENTRE OF IT WAS LYING A LITTLE CYLINDER OF BLUE-
GREY PAPER ... ' $
01 THE NAVAL TREATY ! $
08 YES . $
01 I 'M AFRAID ... YOU FIND THAT STORY A GREAT BORE . $
08 OF COURSE NOT . $
IT WAS VERY EXCITING . $
01 DEAR ... ELIZABETH . $
I 'M SO GLAD TO DISCOVER ... YOU CAN LIE AS MERCIFULLY AS AN
YONE ... $
#85 $
I WANT A BATH ! $
GET THEM TO TAKE ME TO THE BATHROOM ! $
CRETINS ! $
03 LIE STILL . $
DON'T BE ANGRY . $
01 I 'M ALWAYS ANGRY - WHEN I 'M DYING . $
03 IT WAS A HOT ENDLESS NIGHT , IN A SMALL HOUSE SURROUNDED
BY A GREAT GARDEN IN WHICH ALL THE PLANTS WERE ON THE POINT
OF MUTINY . $
DR ELLIS ... $
19 WE 'VE GOT A TERRITORIAL DINNER . $
IN HIGH WYCOMBE ... $
03 HOW IS HE ? $
19 WAKE UP ! $
WAKE UP ! $
DON'T LET HIM SLEEP . $
THAT 'S THE GREAT THING . $
WAKEY WAKEY ! $
THAT 'S BETTER ... $
03 BUT DO YOU THINK ... ? $
19 THE ONLY THING TO DO IS TO KEEP HIS EYES OPEN . $
THERE 'S REALLY NOTHING ELSE . $
I 'VE SPOKEN TO YOUR MOTHER . $
I 'LL COME BACK IN THE MORNING . $
03 WAKE UP ! $
PLEASE ! $
PLEASE ! $
WAKE UP ! $
I 'D BEEN TOLD OF ALL THE THINGS YOU 'RE MEANT TO FEEL . $
SUDDEN FREEDOM , GROWING UP , THE END OF DEPENDENCE , THE ST
EP INTO THE SUNLIGHT WHEN NO ONE IS TALLER THAN YOU AND YOU
'RE IN NO ONE ELSE'S SHADOW . $
I KNOW WHAT I FELT . $
LONELY . $
THE END $