<< *106 . KENNETH ROSS : MR KILT AND THE GREAT I AM . PLAYS AND PLAYERS , 1970 . P. 67-86 . FIRST PERF. : >> $ #67 $ 02 IT 'S LIKE GOG AND MAGOG , MISTER KILT ... ALL OVER AGAIN ... $ WHAT WITH YOU STANDING OVER THERE AND ME ... I HATE DIRT . $ MR KILT ? $ MR KILT , WHERE ARE YOU ? $ KILT ! $ MISTER KILT ] $ I LEFT YOU ON DISPLAY - WHERE 'VE YOU BEEN KILT ? $ 01 TEABREAK , SIR . $ 02 TEABREAK - AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT - WE 'RE CLOSING THE DOO RS IN TEN MINUTES . $ 01 I 'M SORRY , MR SMEER . $ 02 SORRY ! $ IF ANYONE 'S SORRY 'ROUND HERE IT 'S ME . $ SORRY I TOOK YOU ON . $ YOU 'RE A DETRIMENT TO THE FIRM . $ STAND UP , MAN ! $ STRAIGHTEN UP WHEN I 'M ADDRESSING YOU . $ 01 YES , SIR . $ 02 YOU 'RE SO SLOPPY , KILT . $ YOU 'RE ALL MIDRIFF . $ LOOK AT YOUR SHOULDERS . $ TERRIBLE THINGS ! $ THEY 'RE ALL OUT OF FOCUS . $ WHY DON'T YOU LEARN TO STAND PROPERLY ? $ 03 THIS POKE-HOLE NEEDS A FREAK-IN ! $ 02 PLUCKHAM AND FLUCKHAM'S MEANS SERVICE , KILT . $ KNOWN THE WORLD OVER FOR IT . $ 03 THIS PUKE POT NEEDS A FEW HIPPIES T' CAUSE A BIT OF A STI NK AIN'T'AH RIGHT , MR PONDEROSA ? $ 02 DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO TO ACHIEVE THAT SERVICE MISTER KIL T ? $ 01 BE NICE . $ 02 WE ATTACH GREAT IMPORTANCE TO EVERYTHING . $ 03 YOU SEEN THEM SALESMEN'S FACES , MR. PONDEROSA ? $ 02 YES , KILT . $ WE REMEMBER THE LITTLE DETAILS . $ 03 THEY WEAR MAKEUP ! $ 02 IT ALL COUNTS . $ 03 YEH ! $ MAKEUP ! $ 02 THEY ALL ADD UP IN THIS GAME . $ 03 AH WENT UP TO ONE JUST NOW . $ KNOW WHAT HE REMINDED ME OF ? $ 02 JUST LIKE THE LITTLE WHITE LIES . $ 03 FLAVOURED YOGHOURT ! $ 02 YOU 'VE GOT TO LEARN THE TRADE . $ BE BROKEN IN ... $ AS IT IS YOU 'VE GOT A VERY LONG WAY TO GO . $ YOUR CARRIAGE IS UNSUITABLE FOR A START . $ YOU LOOK INSECURE IN TAILS AND STRIPES . $ AT ASCOT YOU 'D FRIGHTEN THE HORSES . $ KILT . $ THERE IS SOMETHING DISTINCTLY HARRINGAY ABOUT YOUR SPECTRE . $ EVEN YOUR NAME AROUSES A NATIONALISTIC BIAS . $ #68 $ ONE IS INCLINED TO WONDER , WHEN ONE HEARS IT , IF THERE 'S ANYTHING UNDERNEATH . $ 01 IT 'S MY WIFE . $ SHE 'S BEEN ON EDGE LATELY AND I HAVEN'T REALLY HAD - $ 02 - AND LOOK AT YOUR POCKETS . $ BULGING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE ! $ IT 'S NOT RIGHT YOU KNOW , COMING ONTO THE FLOOR WITH BULGIN G POCKETS . $ I EXPECT YOU 'VE BEEN TO THE BARBER'S . $ 01 THEY 'RE SEED PACKETS . $ 02 I KNOW VERY WELL THEY 'RE SEED PACKETS , KILT . $ I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY . $ 03 HEAVENS TO BETSY , MISTER PONDEROSA . $ IS THAT THE TIME ! $ 01 AS I SAY , MR SMEER : MY WIFE AND I HAVE NOT - $ 02 I NEARLY GOT CAUGHT LIKE YOU . $ I ALMOST GOT LOST IN TOTAL OBSCURITY . $ BUT I LEARNED , KILT . $ EDUCATED MYSELF . $ GOT OUT A FEW BOOKS ON CULTURE AND ART . $ MICHAELANGELO . $ CUBISM . $ TALKING OF ART AND ARTISTS THERE 'S FATHER CUSHION ... $ STACK THAT CRYSTALLIZED FRUIT INTO A NICE DISPLAY , NOW . $ DO IT PROPERLY . $ WE DON'T WANT A MESS . $ 03 CAN YOU SERVE ME ? $ 01 ER ... MA'AM ? $ 03 CAN YOU SERVE ME ? $ 01 YES MA'AM . $ 03 GUAVAS . $ I WANT SOME GUAVAS . $ AND BE QUICK , 'COS YOU 'RE CLOSIN' AN' AH GOTTA MAKE THE HO MINY GRITS - OKAY ? $ 16 GOOD EVENING , MR SMEER . $ 02 O , GOOD EVENING , FATHER ! $ 16 WELL - WHAT D' YOU THINK ? $ 02 O YOU 'VE SEWN ON RED BUTTONS ON YOUR ENSEMBLE ! $ 16 I 'VE BEEN SENT UP IN THE WORLD . $ 02 SO I SEE ... YOUR EMINENCE ? $ 16 NO , NO , NOT QUITE . $ JUST A CANON . $ THE VATICAN HAS PROMOTED ME TO CANON . $ 02 ROYAL JELLY , SIR ? $ 16 THIS IS MY CHOIR DRESS . $ I 'M ONLY WEARING IT TO SHOW OFF . $ 02 ONE OR TWO PHIALS , SIR ? $ 16 ... TWO PLEASE . $ 02 IT MUST BE IN RECOGNITION FOR YOUR WRITINGS . $ 16 I WOULDN'T SAY THAT - $ 02 - YOUR ECCLESIASTICAL COMMISSIONS PERHAPS ? $ 16 - NOT AT ALL - $ 02 - O YOU NEVER KNOW - $ 16 - IT WASN'T FOR WRITING , SMEER - $ 02 - I 'M SURE IT HELPED . $ 16 I TELL YOU SMEER : IT HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH M Y WRITING ! $ 02 OH ... $ 16 DO I MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR ! $ 02 YES , SIR . $ AS A BELL , SIR . $ 16 THEN GIVE ME MY THINGS ! $ 01 I 'M SORRY - $ 03 NO , NO . $ THE JAM . $ NOT THE JELLY . $ I DIDN'T ASK FOR THE JELLY ! $ 03 WELL , I DECLARE - $ 01 I 'LL GO AND FETCH IT - $ 02 IS MODOM HAVING DIFFICULTIES ? $ 03 WHAT ? $ 02 - TROUBLES ? $ 03 HE 'S MADE ME LATE FOR MAH HOMINY GRITS . $ 03 AW , FORGET IT . $ 02 I 'LL SEE TO IT , MODOM . $ 03 FORGET IT . $ WRAP IT UP . $ TAKE IT AWAY . $ JUST FOR-GETIT - COME ON YOU . $ 02 KILT ! $ 01 S' ALL RIGHT . $ S' ONLY TINS . $ 02 COME HERE AT ONCE ! $ 01 YES , SIR ? $ 02 YOU ARE THE MOST BLOODY USELESS SOD WE 'VE EVER HAD ! $ YOU DON'T DO A THING RIGHT ! $ 01 I-I TRIPPED . $ I FELL AGAINST THE LADDER . $ 02 D' YOU KNOW WHY , KILT ? $ D' YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING PROPERLY ? $ 01 NO , SIR . $ 02 YOU 'VE GOT BIFURCATED BRAINS . $ 01 I 'M SORRY , MR SMEER . $ 02 YOU 'RE LIVING IN A HALF WORLD . $ SEVERED IN YOUR INTERESTS . $ YOU 'RE SUFFERING FROM DETACHABLE EMOTIONS , KILT . $ IT WON'T DO YOU KNOW . $ WE CAN'T HAVE THAT HERE . $ NOT AT PLUCKHAM AND FLUCKHAMS . $ WE EMPLOY PEOPLE AS A WHOLE , KILT . $ BONA FIDE - WELL CONNECTED ... WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE WE SHOULD DO ABOUT IT , KILT ? $ 01 PERHAPS IF I MOVED TO ANOTHER DEPARTMENT ? $ 02 YOU 'VE BEEN ALL 'ROUND THE STORE AS IT IS , DEAR . $ 01 I THOUGHT SEEDS . $ 02 SEEDS ? $ 01 HORTICULTURE , SIR . $ 02 IF I 'VE TOLD YOU ONCE , I 'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES : WE HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HORTICULTURE , HERE . $ WE 'RE SEEDLESS IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT . $ IF YOU WANT TO DABBLE IN SEEDS : - WHY DON'T YOU GO AND GET A JOB IN A NURSERY ? $ 01 THERE 'S NOTHING CLOSE TO THE TUBE . $ 02 HAVE YOU TRIED OUT IN THE COUNTRY - FINCHLEY WAY ? $ 01 TOO MUCH ON FARES . $ 02 THAT 'S A VERY POOR EXCUSE FOR SOMEONE KEEN ON CACTI , I MUST SAY . $ IF YOU ASK ME , KILT , I DON'T THINK WE 'RE GETTING OUR MARI TAL PLUM DUFF FROM OUR LADY WIFE . $ 01 IT 'S NOT SO MUCH THAT ... $ IT 'S MORE OF A PSYCHOLOGICAL QUERY . $ 02 THAT , I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT ... I LIKE A NICE BATH MYSEL F . $ YOU PATCH IT UP , DEAR . $ SETTLE YOUR DIFFERENCES AND GET CONNECTED BECAUSE , FRANKLY SPEAKING , AT THE MOMENT YOU 'RE A MENACE IN THIS DEPARTMENT . $ A DETRIMENT TO THE FIRM . $ NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I GIVE YOU THE SACK ! $ 06 EVERY TIME I SEE YOU , I REMEMBER . $ I THINK BACK . $ THE THINGS WE 'VE SEEN ; THE WAY WE 'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOGETHER . $ IT WAS ONLY NATURAL WHAT WITH HIM , GOD REST HIS SOUL , ALWA YS OUT AND NEVER IN ... $ WE COULDN'T HELP BUT BECOME BLOOD BROTHERS . $ S' ONLY NATURAL , YOU BEING THE CENTRE . $ IT WAS A REAL COMFORT TO LOOK DOWN AND SEE YOU IN THE PINK . $ WHICH REMINDS ME : WHATEVER DID YOU DO WITH THE PARTING IN Y OUR HAIR ? $ WHEREVER DID IT GO ? $ ... SLUNG IT I 'SPECT . $ WITH THE REST OF YOUR MEMORIES ... $ THE WIRELESS WAS A COMFORT TOO , IN THOSE DAYS . $ IT STILL IS . $ OLD FASHIONED AS I AM . $ NOT ' WITH IT ' AS YOU SAY . $ THERE 'S STILL A LOT TO BE GAINED FROM TUNING IN . $ THERE WERE OTHER THINGS TOO , IN THOSE DAYS . $ YOU BEING CLEVER WITH YOUR HANDS . $ YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT OUT SOMETHING TO AMUSE US ... $ BATTLESHIPS . $ REMEMBER BATTLESHIPS ? $ ... I DON'T KNOW WHAT I 'D DONE WITHOUT YOU AND THE WIRELESS . $ WHAT WITH HIM , GOD REST HIS SOUL , ALWAYS OUT AND NEVER IN . $ HE DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY IN THE FLAT SEASON . $ SAW HIM ONCE A WEEK WHEN IT WAS 'STICKS' . $ YOU KNOW THAT . $ YOU MUST REMEMBER SAME AS I . $ 'COURSE YOU 'VE GROWN UP NOW . $ BECOME MORE SECRETIVE . $ YOU 'VE LOST YOUR CLEVER LITTLE WAYS . $ BECOME A MAN . $ I WAS TELLING THEM AT THE DAIRY , TODAY ... ABOUT THE HAIRS ON YOUR CHEST ... $ 07 MUM - DON'T ... $ 06 HOW OLD IS THIS GIRL , THEN ? $ 07 FIFTEEN . $ 06 SHE CAN'T BE VERY BRIGHT . $ NOT IF SHE 'S WORKING AT FIFTEEN . $ #69 $ SHE COULDN'T HAVE MATRICULATED . $ 07 LINDA WORKS FOR AN INSURANCE COMPANY . $ 06 SHE LIVE AT HOME ? $ 07 'COURSE . $ 06 WHAT 'S HER BROTHERS AND SISTERS LIKE ? $ ARE THEY SOUND ? $ 07 SHE 'S AN ONLY CHILD . $ 06 SECLUDED WOMEN . $ 07 WHERE 'S MY TIE ? $ 06 THEY 'RE NOT TO BE TRUSTED . $ SECLUDED WOMEN . $ 07 I HAD IT ON THE CHAIR . $ 06 THEY TEND TO BECOME CARMELITES . $ 07 WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY TIE ! $ 06 I MOVED IT . $ 06 I THOUGHT , TONIGHT , AT LEAST , YOU 'D STAY AT HOME - $ 07 - MUM - BE REASONABLE - $ 06 - AFTER THE EVENTS OF THE AFTERNOON . $ 07 I 'VE GOT A DATE HAVEN'T I ? $ MY FIRST DATE . $ WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ? $ I CAN'T LET HER DOWN . $ D' Y' WANT ME TO LET THE GIRL DOWN ? $ 06 TONIGHT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK . $ NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH MRS KILT . $ YOU SAW THE MESS SHE MADE IN THE BATHROOM WITH THAT GROTTO S HE SET UP TO HER FATHER . $ SHEDDING THEM MEDALS ALL OVER THE PLACE ; INFLICTING HERSELF ON MY NICE FITTED CARPET . $ USING THE HEELS OF HER SHOES LIKE A WINEPRESS . $ YOU SURELY CAN'T LEAVE ME ALL BY MYSELF AFTER THAT . $ SHE MIGHT ATTACK AGAIN , YOU NEVER KNOW . $ I 'D BE ALONE . $ COMPLETELY UNDEFENDED . $ YOU UNDERSTAND , LANCE , DON'T YOU PET ? $ I 'M NOT BEING SELFISH . $ YOU CAN SEE WHY YOU SHOULD BE HERE WITH ME . $ YOU KNOW I 'M NOT EASILY FRIGHTENED . $ WHY , DURING THE WAR YOUR MUMMY HAD TO PUT DOWN A LAND ARMY GIRL WHO WENT BESERK IN HER TENT ; BUT PEOPLE LIKE HER , LIK E MRS KILT - I WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT MY FACE ... $ WE 'RE ALL WE GOT , LANCE , DEAR . $ YOU MUST REALISE THAT ... $ 07 I 'M GOING TO BE LATE . $ DON'T WAIT UP . $ 06 WHY DON'T YOU BRING HER HOME , THIS GIRL . $ BRING HER BACK FOR A BOUT OF DRINKING CHOCOLATE - ! $ LANCE ! $ ONCE YOU WERE MY LITTLE BOY AND JOINED IN SINGING ' THE SHRI MP BOATS ARE COMING ' WITH THE LADY ON THE WIRELESS AND ASKE D ME HOW MANY BEANS MAKE FIVE ... $ LANCE ? $ OH IT 'S YOU , MR KILT . $ HOME FROM WORK . $ YOU 'RE RATHER LATE AREN'T YOU ? $ I EXPECT YOU 'VE BEEN SHOPPING FOR MORE BULBS FOR YOUR WINDO W BOXES . $ 01 JUST A FEW SEED-PACKETS , MRS MINIPUS , THAT 'S ALL . $ 06 I DO SO ADMIRE YOUR PASSIONATE ACQUAINTANCE WITH FLORICUL TURE . $ IT DOES ONE'S HEART GOOD TO SEE YOUR IVY CRAWLING DOWN THE D RAINPIPE . $ YOU MUST EXCUSE MY TONSORIAL DISARRAY , MR KILT . $ I 'VE JUST COME OUT FROM UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A STRATHMAER REEL . $ 01 I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE YOUR MUSIC , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 IT PLAYS HAVOC WITH MY ALLURE THOUGH , MISTER KILT . $ S' LIKE A DANGEROUS DRUG . $ 01 YOU OUGHT TO GO IN FOR A MORE SOOTHING KIND - $ 06 - MY HUSBAND , GOD REST HIS SOUL , WAS SUGGESTING SOMETHI NG SIAMESE BEFORE HE ASCENDED . $ 01 ASCEND-ED ? $ 07 I ALWAYS GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT , IT 'S MY NATURE - MR KILT ? $ 01 WHAT , MRS MINIPUS ? $ 06 HERE A MINUTE . $ I 'VE GOT SOMETHING TO WHISPER . $ IT 'S VERY SOTTO VOCE . $ 01 I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING UP TO SUPPER . $ WE 'RE HAVING SAUSAGES AND - $ 06 - WALLS HAVE EARS , MISTER KILT . $ 01 IS ANYTHING THE MATTER ? $ HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED ? $ 06 YOUR WIFE . $ SHE 'S BEEN IMBIBING HER DEAD FATHER AGAIN . $ 01 OH DEAR ... $ 06 I 'M AFRAID SO . $ 01 WHERE ? $ 06 THIS TIME , IN THE TOILET . $ I CAUGHT HER FILLING THE BATH WITH SANDBAGS AND SEA-SHELLS . $ A GROTTO , SHE CALLED IT . $ A MOMENTO MORI TO HER FATHER . $ YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT ! $ ARMY PICTURES ON THE WALL . $ REGIMENTAL COLOURS DRAPED OVER THE SINK . $ BLANCOED LANYARDS AND SAM BROWN BELTS HAD BEEN STUCK ON THE SILL ; TUNIC BUTTONS WERE LINED ALONG THE MEDICINE SHELF ; P UTTEES PARACHUTED FROM THE WASTE PIPE . $ MISTER KILT , THE PLACE LOOKED LIKE A REUNION DINNER ! $ I TOLD HER TO KINDLY REMOVE IT AND SHE CREATED WHAT IS COMMO NLY TERMED , A RIGHT HULLABULLOO ... $ SPEAKING IN MY CAPACITY AS A LANDLADY MISTER KILT . $ THIS CAN'T GO ON . $ AND , I SHALL BE FORCED TO TAKE CIVIL ACTION IF YOU DON'T GE T HER TO PUT A STOP TO HER MULLARKEY . $ 01 I 'LL TRY . $ I 'LL MAKE A REAL EFFORT ... $ 06 I 'VE TOLERATED YOUR WIFE'S INTEREST IN HER DEAD FATHER B ECAUSE I 'VE OFTEN FELT THE NEED FOR A HOBBY MYSELF : THOUGH FRANKLY , MY OWN CHOICE OF RECREATION WOULDN'T BE NEARLY SO DECOMPOSED . $ DO YOU KNOW MY MEANING ? $ 01 KATHERINE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ... FASCINATED BY HER ... FATHE R . $ HIS PERSONALITY AND THINGS . $ SHE 'S RECORDED HIS ARMY EXPLOITS TO ME , MANY A TIME . $ 06 I 'M NOT AGAINST MILITARY HISTORY AS A FOUNTAIN FOR GOSSI P . $ FAR FROM IT . $ BUT FOR SOMEONE TO CARRY THE KHYBER PASS WITHIN THE PORTALS OF MY FRONT DOOR DISPLAYS , NOT ONLY AN INSULT TO MY EDUCATI ON , BUT AN AFFRONT TO THE EARTH'S CRUST . $ I WOULDN'T EVEN SO MUCH MIND IF SHE STOPPED AT THE ELEMENTS . $ A GEOLOGICAL DISPOSITION IS NOT WITHOUT ITS SENSE OF FUN . $ I HAPPEN TO APPRECIATE A HARVEST SONG SAME AS ANYBODY ELSE . $ BUT YOUR WIFE , MISTER KILT , TAKES ON A POLITICAL TONE . $ REMINISCENT OF ALL THAT IS UNWHOLESOME IN OUR NATION . $ MY RECENT PURCHASE OF A SWISS CUCKOO CLOCK FOR THE HALL , HA S BROUGHT FORTH ATTACKS OF MY NEUTRALITY WITH TIME . $ AND , MR KILT : SHE SLAPS HER THIGHS AND YODELS ! $ 01 GRACIOUS ! $ 06 EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR ! $ 01 THIS IS TERRIBLE MRS MINIPUS . $ I DIDN'T REALISE IT WAS SO INVOLVED . $ I REALLY MUST GET HER TO STOP . $ 06 STOP ! $ SHE WON'T STOP . $ IF YOU ASK ME , MR KILT , YOUR WIFE 'S MENTAL . $ REGIMENTAL ! $ I MEAN ; SINGING ABOUT THE GLORIES OF THE BRITISH RAJ IS ONE THING ; MAKING GROTTOS OUT OF TOILETS IS QUITE ANOTHER . $ AS MY LANCE SAYS , IT 'S A GOOD JOB HER FATHER WASN'T IN THE HORSE GUARDS - WHY , WE MIGHT HAVE A PALAMENO STRUTTING ABO UT ! $ AND HER ON TOP OF IT , BANGING AWAY AT A KETTLEDRUM WITH A B LESSED MALLET ! $ 01 I 'LL TALK TO HER , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 YOU 'LL FIND SHE 'S PAST THE STAGE OF TALKING MR KILT . $ 01 WE CAN'T RUSH INTO THESE THINGS . $ 06 LOOK . $ SHE 'S LIKE MY BUDGIE . $ SHE NEEDS A CURATIVE . $ MY BUDGIE WAS LIKE THAT . $ ON EDGE . $ HE KEPT HITTING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE BARS OF THE CAGE . $ I WENT TO THE VET AND GOT SOMETHING FOR IT , NOW HE 'S RIGHT AS RAIN . $ 01 DO YOU SUGGEST SOME SORT OF SEDATIVE ? $ 06 I 'M NOT SAYING . $ I 'M NOT A PROFESSIONAL OPINION . $ ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT RIGHT NOW SHE 'S TOO FAR GONE . $ I NOTICED IT TODAY . $ IN THAT CREPE DE SHEEN HOUSECOAT , SHE QUITE RECALLED A CHIN ESE PANDA OFF ITS NUTS . $ DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID AFTER I TURFED HER OUT OF THE BATHR OOM ? $ 01 NO , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 WENT OUT AND BOUGHT A STATUE FROM OFF A BARROW IN ' THE L ANE ' . $ A BUST SHE CALLED IT . $ OF WALTER SCOTT . $ SAID IT WOULD SERVE AS A MEMORY OF HER OLD FATHER . $ 01 SHE HAS WHAT THE REFERENCE LIBRARY CALLS AN OEDIPUS COMPL EX WITH IMPERIALIST OVERTONES . $ 06 I KNOW , AND IT 'S HARD CHEESE BUT , MEANWHILE , TAKE A G LIMPSE AT ME , MR KILT . $ I HAVEN'T GOT A HUSBAND ANY MORE . $ AS FOR MY FATHER , HE 'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE IN MY MENTAL ANATOMY . $ BUT I DON'T GO ON ABOUT IT . $ I 'M QUITE CONTENT TO LIVE WITH MY SON AND A NICE BIT OF MUS IC . $ I DON'T IMBIBE IN REPRESENTATIONS OR GROTTOS TO MY FATHER , DO I ? $ 01 NO , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT ... $ BETWEEN YOU AND ME AND THE COWSHED , I THINK YOU 'RE WASTED ON THAT WOMAN . $ SHE DOESN'T DESERVE YOUR ATTENTION , MR KILT . $ REALLY SHE DOESN'T . $ BOSSING YOU ABOUT MORNING , NOON AND NIGHT , LIKE AN ARMY SE RGEANT-MAJOR . $ IT 'S A WICKED WASTE . $ YOU 'VE LET HER HAVE TOO MUCH ROPE . $ #70 $ 01 SHE 'S VERY HIGHLY STRUNG , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 IT GRIEVES ME , YOU KNOW , TO HEAR YOU TAKING HER BARRACK ROOM BEHAVIOUR SO MEEKLY . $ IT 'S NOT GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH . $ 01 I 'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING SOON . $ IT 'S AFFECTING MY JOB . $ THE MANAGER OF MY DEPARTMENT SAYS I 'VE GOT BIFURCATED BRAIN S . $ 06 IT DEMONSTRATES YOUR POWERS OF ARREST THAT THEY 'RE NOT R EDUCED TO CHOPSTICKS , MR KILT . $ 01 I 'LL HAVE A TALK WITH HER . $ SEE WHAT CAN BE DONE . $ 06 I WOULD . $ I 'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FATHOM HOW YOU GOT INVOLVED WITH HE R IN THE FIRST PLACE , MISTER KILT ... $ 01 WE MET IN A CHURCH . $ SAINT JAMES-THE-LESS . $ 06 WHAT , AMONG THE PEWS ? $ 01 THE GRAVEYARD IN FRONT . $ ON THE BENCHES WHERE CHELSEA PENSIONERS AND OLD WOMEN SIT , PROTECTED BY MEALS ON WHEELS . $ I NEEDED A REST AND SAT DOWN ... $ 06 AND SHE WAS THERE . $ 01 ... BEEN VISITING HER FATHER'S GRAVE . $ 06 THE RUINATION OF IT ALL , MR KILT . $ 01 ... WELL ... I MUST BE GOING . $ 06 O , SO SOON ? $ 01 WE 'RE HAVING SAUSAGES . $ 06 SO YOU SAID . $ 01 THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE , MRS MINIPUS . $ 06 THINK NOTHING OF IT , MR KILT . $ THERE 'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM . $ I 'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO STUFF MY BLOOMERS IN MY EARS WHENEVE R THERE 'S A CRY FOR HELP ... $ AND MR KILT ? $ 01 WHAT IS IT NOW , MRS MINIPUS ? $ 06 YOUR WIFE WAS USING FLOWERS FOR HER GROTTO TODAY ... YOUR FLOWERS . $ THE ONES YOU SO BEAUTIFULLY ARRANGED ON THE BACK BALCONY . $ 01 ... FROM THE WINDOW BOXES ? $ 06 SHE ALSO CUT DOWN YOUR ROSE BUSH ... THE ONE THAT STANDS IN THE CORNER ... USED AN OLD JUNGLE KNIFE ... SWEARING AND CURSING ... HACKING AWAY ... $ IT WAS LIKE CASTRATING A PIG ... $ IT WAS MORE OF A RITUAL THAN A RIOT ... THE POETRY WAS EXCRU CIATING ... $ 01 YES - WELL - $ 06 I TOLD HER OFF ABOUT IT - $ 01 - THANK YOU - $ 06 - SHE WASN'T CONTRITE , MR KILT - $ 01 - I 'LL - I 'LL TALK TO HER - $ 06 TALKING 'S NO GOOD . $ SHE NEEDS A SHAKING . $ IT 'S DISTRESSING TO SEE A NICE GENTLEMANY MAN LIKE YOU , AS TRIDE A DILEMMA LIKE THAT ONE ! $ 16 FROM THE DEVIL ... TO THE DEVIL ... I AM YOURS ETCETERA . .. $ ALMIGHTY AND EVERLASTING GOD . $ I KNEEL BEFORE YOU WITH CONTRITE AND HUMBLE HEART ; SPEAKING TO YOU , NOT AS A SCHOLAR , BUT AS ONE TO BE RECONCILED TO INNOCENCE . $ ONCE AGAIN I COME BEFORE THE THRONE OF INFINITE MERCY IN THE SPIRIT OF THAT TIME WHEN I FIRST BEHELD THE BLESSED SACRAME NT . $ IN THOSE FAR OFF DAYS , O GOD , I MADE A COMFORTABLE NOISE . $ SEEING PRAYER AS AN ASSURANCE RATHER THAN A PATHETIC ATTEMPT TO FLOURISH MY VULNERABILITY . $ LIVING THE LIFE OF A FARM BOY IS NOT A MYSTICAL OCCUPATION , AND THE TORMENT OF THE MARTYRS MEANT LITTLE TO MY POOR POCK ET . $ GOD , TO ME , WAS ONLY A MATTER OF BEING ALIVE ... $ IT WAS EASY , THEN . $ BUT , FROM THOSE SIMPLE BEGINNINGS , THAT FAITH IN MAN'S BRO AD ACRES , I HAVE CARRIED THE IMITATIONS OF A SMOOTH YOUTH I NTO MY OLD AGE . $ THE INTENSITY OF SPIRIT HAS MADE A PASS AT CORPOREAL BENEFIT S . $ WHILST SHRUGGING MY WAY TOWARDS THE GRAVE I NEVER BOTHERED T O REVISE MY MOTIVES , AND HAVE BEEN CONTENT TO FOB OFF CREAT URE COMFORTS AS MERE TRIBUTES TO YOUR DIVINE MAJESTY . $ A NAIVE REFLECTION TO YOU ON EARTH . $ THE KING OF GLORY . $ NOW , IN MY DOTAGE , MY GUILT BECOMES VISIBLE . $ AND I REALISE THAT WHAT WAS ONCE A SEDUCTIVE INTELLECT , HAS BECOME A GROTESQUE VANITY . $ I NOW KNOW THAT I HAVE COMMITTED THE ATROCIOUS SIN OF RESPON DING TO PLEASURE MORE THAN TO PAIN . $ THIS CURSED LETTER , WHICH NO DOUBT YOU 'VE READ , HAS WOKEN ME TO THE FACT THAT I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE GLORIFYING OUR BLE SSED LORD ; HIS BLESSED MOTHER , THE VIRGIN MARY ; THE HOLY APOSTLES PETER AND PAUL IN NOTHING , NOTHING MORE BUT SUPERF ICIAL DELIGHTS ! $ IF ONLY I 'D FOLLOWED THE WONDERFUL EXAMPLES GIVEN ME DURING MY TRAINING FOR THE PRIESTHOOD AND TESTED MY CONSTANCY LIKE THE YOUNG MAN OF WHOM ST. JEROME TELLS US . $ OR CAST MYSELF NAKED ON THORNS AS ST. FRANCIS DID WHENEVER H E WAS FILLED WITH CRUEL TEMPTATION . $ HOW I WISH , LIKE DEAR OLD ST. BENEDICT , I 'D GONE FOR A RO LL IN THE SNOW WHEN I FELT DRAWN TO CRAVEN IMAGES ! $ I DIDN'T , OF COURSE . $ INSTEAD , A PRECOCIOUS STUDY OF DR. FREUD AND A SENSITIVENES S TO NETTLE-RASH STEERED ME AWAY FROM THOSE DEVOTIONAL AIDES . $ NOW IT 'S TOO LATE TO START AFRESH AND , THEREFORE , I BEG Y OU TO GRANT ME ABSOLUTION FROM MY CRIME BY VIRTUE OF MY DEAT H . $ IT 'S THE PENALTY I YEARN AFTER YET FEAR MOST OF ALL . $ FOR EVERY TIME I CONTEMPLATE ETERNITY , I TREMBLE AND SHAKE , IN SPITE OF THE HEAT . $ 07 BEERBOHM - $ 01 - MORNING . $ 07 BEERBOHM ! $ 01 WHAT ? $ 07 COME HERE . $ 01 WHAT IS IT ? $ I 'M LATE . $ WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ? $ 07 ER ... IS YOUR ... IS YOUR WIFE IN BEERBOHM ? $ 01 WHY ? $ 07 IS SHE ? $ 01 WHY DO YOU ASK ? $ 07 I ER ... HADN'T HEARD . $ 01 HEARD ? $ 07 YOUR WIFE . $ THAT IS ... MRS - MRS KILT . $ YOU KNOW THE EARLY MORNING BAWLING OUT . $ JUST WONDERED LIKE ... $ 01 OH ... $ 07 IS SHE ... IN ? $ 01 NO - NO , SHE 'S NOT IN . $ SHE 'S , SHE 'S GONE UP NORTH - TO PINNER . $ 07 O-O-OH . $ I SEEEEE . $ 01 WHY DO YOU ASK ? $ 07 NO REASON . $ NOT HEARING ANY NOISE LIKE . $ NO ROWS - HA HA - I WONDERED . $ 01 OH ... I 'LL BE GOING THEN . $ 07 BEERBOHM ? $ 01 YES ? $ 07 SHE BE GONE LONG , BEERBOHM , IN PINNER . $ STAYING LONG , WILL SHE ? $ 01 'BOUT A WEEK . $ 07 NICE . $ 01 MAYBE LONGER . $ 07 VERY NICE . $ 01 WHY ? $ 07 NO REASON , BEERBOHM MATE . $ JUST THOUGHT I 'D ASK . $ SEE HOW SHE 'S GETTING ON MAYBE ; AND YOU . $ 01 YES ... WELL ... $ 07 I EXPECT YOU 'RE LATE ? $ 01 I 'VE GOT TO HURRY . $ 07 TA-TA FRIEND . $ 02 KILT : I 'M WATCHING YOU . $ YOU 'RE NOT MAKING A NEAT JOB OF THAT CRYSTALLIZED FRUIT . $ THOSE BASKETS ARE EGG-BOUND , KILT . $ THE WHOLE DISPLAY LACKS EASTERN PROMISE . $ I SUPPOSE YOU 'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO IT ; JUST AS YOU 'VE F ORGOTTEN TO WEAR YOUR TAILS THIS MORNING . $ I SUPPOSE YOU FORGOT TO COME IN ON TIME , TOO . $ ROLLING IN HERE AT TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES PAST NINE LIKE A SULK Y LITTLE WALT DISNEY DWARF . $ #71 $ WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE - SNOW-WHITE ? $ YOU 'RE PAID TO WORK , KILT . $ AND I 'M PAID TO SEE YOU DO . $ PICK THEM BASKETS UP , MAN ! $ SLOW . $ SLOW . $ MY GOD YOU 'RE SLOW . $ I 'VE NEVER MET ANYBODY SO SLOW . $ YOU NEED A BIT OF GINGER , KILT . $ WHERE IT TELLS . $ YOU 'VE GOT FLUTTERY FINGERS , KILT . $ THEY 'RE TREMBLING ALL OVER THE SHOP . $ WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $ YOU NOT HAVING IT AWAY AGAIN ? $ YOUR WIFE NOT LAYING IT ON WITH A SPATULA ? $ THEY 'RE VERY FLUTTERY THOSE FINGERS , KILT . $ YOU 'LL HAVE TO WATCH IT ON THE TILL , TODAY . $ I SHALL IN MY OFFICE KILT . $ MIND YOU WEAR YOUR TAILS . $ 03 SAY ... SAY . $ WHAT 'S INSIDE THEM THINGS ? $ WHAT 'S IN 'EM ? $ SAY . $ AH 'M TALKING TO YOU : WHAT 'S IN THEM BASKETS ? $ 01 YOU STUPID OLD BAG ! $ LOOK WHAT YOU 'VE BEEN AND DONE ! $ 03 OF ALL THE GODDAM INSOLENCE ! $ AH 'M GOIN' TO REPORT YOU TO THE MANAGER ! $ 01 BOLLOCKS TO THE MANAGER ! $ DO WHAT YOU BLOODY WELL LIKE ! $ 01 CAN I HELP YOU , SIR ? $ 05 I 'LL WAIT , THANK YOU . $ 01 I CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT , SIR . $ 16 I PREFER TO WAIT FOR THE MANAGER . $ 01 MISTER SMEER 'LL BE SOME TIME . $ MAYBE - $ 16 - IT 'S PERFECTLY ALRIGHT ... THANK YOU . $ 01 MY NAME 'S KILT . $ I WORK OVER THAT SIDE . $ HOW 'S YOUR WRITING , SIR ? $ 16 LOOK - $ 01 - COMING ALONG ? $ 16 LOOK HERE - $ 01 NO MENTAL BLOCKS , I HOPE . $ 16 LET ME TELL YOU - $ 01 YES , SIR ? $ 16 MY WORK IS PROGRESSING VERY NICELY . $ THANK YOU . $ 01 SIR ? $ 16 WHAT ! $ 01 I MUST ... $ 16 WHAT IS IT ! $ 01 I MUST ... SPEAK WITH YOU SIR . $ IT 'S ... RATHER URGENT . $ A MATTER OF SINFUL DISCLOSURE , SIR . $ 16 MEET ME IN THE CONFESSION BOX , SIX-THIRTY . $ 01 THANK YOU , SIR . $ 02 WON'T KEEP YOU A MOMENT , SIR ... MR KILT ? $ KILT , MY DUCK . $ YOU 'RE IN FOR THE HIGH JUMP . $ YOU 'RE FIRED , KILT . $ CANNED . $ YOU 'VE GOT THE SACK . $ COMPRAWNEY - VOO , KILT ? $ YOU 'VE BEEN GIVEN THE BULLET . $ YOU WERE RUDE TO ONE OF OUR RESPECTED CUSTOMERS JUST NOW ; Y OU SWORE . $ YOU USED BUTANE LANGUAGE TO THAT AMERICAN LADY WHO COMES IN HERE WITH THE NICE MARINE , AND YOU DELIBERATELY TIPPED A DO LLOP OF CRYSTALLIZED FRUIT OVER HER . $ SHE COMPLAINED , NOT ONLY TO ME , BUT TO THE GREAT I AM . $ THE RESULT OF WHICH IS THAT YOU , MY DUCK , ARE BEING SHOWN THE D.O.O.R . $ SO RUN ALONG AND GET YOUR CARDS AND P.45 LIKE A GOOD BOY . $ GO ON . $ NOW , SIR , SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU . $ IF YOU 'RE KEEN ON PURCHASING MORE ROYAL JELLY . $ I 'VE SOMETHING THAT I 'M SURE WILL INTEREST YOU OVER IN MY OFFICE . $ IT 'S BEING SOLD TO US EXCLUSIVELY BY A KEEPER IN HOLLAND . $ HE HAS SOME FASCINATING BEES . $ FASCINATING WHY HE SENT ME ONE IN A BOTTLE ! $ 08 HERE LANCE - $ 07 WHAT ? $ 08 D' YOU THINK IT 'S ALRIGHT ? $ 07 YES ! $ 08 YOU SURE , THOUGH ? $ 07 GO ON ! $ 08 YOU SURE SHE 'S OUT ? $ 07 S-SH ! $ 08 WHAT IF SHE AIN'T , THOUGH ? $ 07 SHE IS . $ I ASKED . $ 08 ASKED HER ? $ 07 NO HIM . $ 08 WHO ? $ 07 HER HUSBAND . $ 08 OH ... $ HERE ... $ 07 WHAT ? $ 08 SAY IF SHE 'S BACK , THOUGH . $ 07 BE QUIET . $ 08 WHAT 'LL WE DO THEN ? $ 07 SHE WON'T BE BACK . $ 08 HOW 'D YOU KNOW , THOUGH ? $ 07 COS I KNOW . $ 08 HOW ? $ 07 I CHECKED UP . $ 08 WHO WITH , THOUGH ? $ 07 HER HUSBAND ! $ 08 OH ... $ THIS IT ? $ 07 YEH . $ 08 HOW 'D WE GET IN , THOUGH ? $ 07 I GOT THE PASS KEY . $ 08 I HOPE YOU 'RE AS WELL EQUIPPED AS YOU SOUND . $ 07 S-SH . $ 08 S' TRUTH ... $ 07 YEH ... $ 08 WHAT A SLAG-HOLE ... $ 07 PRETTY CRUMBY AIN'T IT ? $ 08 SHE LIVE IN THIS ? $ 07 WHO ? $ 08 THE WOMAN . $ 07 YEH . $ 08 THE WOMAN WHAT 'S GONE TO PINNER ? $ 07 YUP . $ 08 HER HUSBAND ! $ HE LIVE HERE TOO ? $ 07 'COURSE . $ 08 S' TRUTH ... $ WHAT SORT OF LARK IS THAT , THOUGH ? $ 07 A MEMORIAL TO HER OLD MAN . $ 08 HER HUSBAND ? $ 07 FATHER . $ 08 DUN HE LOOK CAMP ! $ 07 THAT 'S NOT HER FATHER . $ THAT 'S SOME WRITER BLOKE . $ WALTER SOMETHING OR OTHER . $ 08 WALTER , WALTER . $ LEAD ME TO THE ALTAR . $ 07 SHE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT IT YESTIDDY ... $ IT 'S A SYMBOL . $ LIKE IN CHURCH . $ 08 CHRIST ... SHE SOUNDS BARMY TO ME . $ 07 SHE IS . $ MENTAL . $ 08 WHY 'D YOU STAND FOR IT , THOUGH ? $ #72 $ 07 SHE 'S A SITTING TENANT . $ 08 I 'D MAKE HER GET UP IF I WERE YOU . $ 07 WE HAD A RIGHT TIME WITH HER YESTIDDY . $ 08 I 'LL BET . $ 07 KNOW WHAT SHE DID ? $ 08 NO ? $ 07 SHE TRIED TO SET UP A GROTTO TO HER OLD MAN IN THE BATHRO OM ! $ 08 WHAT A NERVE . $ 07 MY MUM WOULDN'T ALLOW IT COS OF THE SEA-SHELLS IN THE PLU G-HOLE . $ SO SHE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT THIS BUST OF WALTER INSTEAD . $ 08 FANCY . $ HERE LANCE , SEE THIS - ? $ 07 WHAT IS IT ? $ 08 A MEDALLION . $ BAN THE BOMB . $ 07 OH ... $ 08 THEY 'RE CLASSICAL NOW . $ MY COUSIN BROUGHT IT BACK FROM ONE OF HIS TRIPS . $ MADE OF METAL . $ LIKE A CROSS ONLY STRONGER ... NICE AIN'T IT ? $ 07 YEH ... $ 08 I GOT CHUNKY JEWELLERY TOO . $ ONE OF MY EX-BOYFRIENDS - $ 07 SO 'S MY MUM . $ 08 WELL ... WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR ... LANCE ? $ 07 I WAS JUST ... $ 08 EH ? $ 07 LOOKING AT THESE ... $ 08 OH ... SWORDS . $ 07 ... SCIMITARS . $ 08 LET 'S GET ON WITH IT , LANCE . $ I 'M COLD . $ 07 I THOUGHT FIRST ... MAYBE WE 'D ... TALK ? $ 08 WHAT FOR ? $ 07 YOU KNOW ... HAVE A CIGARETTE AND ... THINGS . $ 08 AEH ? $ 07 I THOUGHT FIRST WE 'D TALK ABOUT ... ABOUT ... $ ROMANCE ! $ 08 ... I DON'T DO MUCH READING ... $ 07 WE GOING TO ... USE THE BED ? $ 08 D' YOU WANT IT STANDING UP ? $ 07 IT RATTLES . $ 08 OH ? $ 07 THE BED RATTLES . $ 08 BEEN IN THIS AREA BEFORE THEN ? $ 07 'COURSE NOT . $ YOU CAN HEAR IT DOWNSTAIRS . $ 08 I HAD A BOYFRIEND ONCE , WHO USED TO LIKE IT IN FRONT OF A MIRROR ! $ I USED TO HAVE TO GO DOWN ON HIM ! $ 07 WE 'LL USE THE BED . $ 08 I 'M EASY . $ HERE LANCE ? $ 07 WHAT ? $ 08 DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES OR LEAVE 'EM OPEN WHEN YOU SHOOT ? $ 07 I ... DON'T KNOW . $ 08 MY COUSIN SAYS IT 'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS . $ COME ALONG , LANCE . $ HURRY UP . $ 07 I AM HURRYING . $ I 'M NOT A BLOODY CONTORTIONIST LIKE SOME I COULD MENTION . $ 08 YOU ARE SLOW , THOUGH . $ 07 IT 'S A CASE OF HERE 'S YOUR HAT WHAT 'S YOUR HURRY , WIT H YOU . $ 08 I 'M JUST BEING PRACTICAL , DEAR . $ COME ON LANCE , GET YOUR GEAR OFF ! $ 07 BE QUIET , CAN'T YOU ! $ MY MUM WILL HEAR US ! $ 08 AREN'T YOU SLOW , THOUGH - $ 07 ALRIGHT - ALRIGHT - $ 08 I HAD A BOYFRIEND ONCE WHO COULD - $ 07 WRAP UP ! $ 08 OH , I DO BEG YOUR PARDON . $ 08 HERE , LANCE ? $ 07 WHAT ! $ 08 DO YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE THESE ON ? $ 07 NO . $ 08 ... IT 'S JUST THAT I HAD A BOYFRIEND ONCE , WHO LIKED TO TAKE THEM OFF HIMSELF . $ 07 WELL , I DON'T . $ 08 HERE , LANCE ? $ 07 WHAT NOW ? $ 08 WHATCH YOU WEAR THOSE FOR ? $ 07 THEY 'RE LONG COMS . $ 08 I KNOW , SILLY . $ THEY HAVE THEM IN PLAYS . $ 07 WELL , THEN . $ 08 THEY LOOK KINKY , THOUGH . $ 07 THEY 'VE BEEN TO THE BAGWASH . $ 08 WHY 'D YOU WEAR THEM , THOUGH ? $ 07 MY SHORTS ARE ON THE LINE . $ 08 OH ... $ 07 THEY 'RE DAMP . $ WHAT 'S THE MATTER , NOW ? $ 08 NOTHING . $ 07 YES , THERE IS . $ 08 IT 'S NOTHING - $ 07 WHAT 'S SO FUNNY ! $ 08 IT 'S THEM PANTS OF YOURN . $ WITH THE BITS OF RIBBON HANGING OUT - YOU LOOK LIKE - A BLOO MIN' DIARY ! $ 07 AW SHUUUT UP ... $ 08 OOH ! $ I FEEL A CHILL ! $ 07 WHO CARES . $ 08 LIGHT THAT GAS FIRE , WOULD YOU , LOVE ? $ 07 IT WON'T LIGHT . $ THE GAS . $ IT DON'T GO . $ 08 IT NEEDS A SHILLING I SPECT . $ 07 WELL , I HAVEN'T GOT ONE ! $ 08 NORVE I ... $ WHAT ABOUT THIS LADY ; SHE MUST HAVE A SHILLING SOMEWHERE . $ 07 WHERE ? $ 08 I DON'T KNOW ! $ LOOK IN HER THINGS . $ IN AN OXO TIN OR SOMETHING ... $ TRY OVER THERE . $ IN THE WARDROBE . $ HAVE A FEEL ALONG THE SHELF . $ THAT 'S WHERE MY MUM KEEPS HERS . $ 16 YES . $ 01 CANON CUSHION ? $ 16 ONE MOMENT ! $ WAIT THERE . $ COME IN . $ 16 YOU 'RE LATE . $ I SAID ' SIX-THIRTY ' . $ CONFESSION 'S FINISHED HOURS AGO . $ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ? $ NEVER MIND . $ KNEEL DOWN . $ 01 KNEEL , SIR ? $ 16 ANYWHERE . $ IN NOMINUS PATRIS ET FILIO ET SPIRITUO SANCTI - $ RIGHT , HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOUR LAST CONFESSION ? $ 01 ... COME AGAIN , SIR ? $ 16 BUCK UP , MAN . $ BUCK UP . $ DID YOU MAKE YOUR EASTER DUTY ? $ 01 WHAT EASTER DUTY ? $ #73 $ 16 HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG ? $ 01 SINCE WHEN , SIR ? $ 16 SINCE YOU LAST MADE YOUR EASTER DUTY , YOU IDIOT ! $ 01 BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EASTER DUTY ! $ I NEVER DO ANY DUTY . $ ALL I DO AT EASTER IS OPEN AN EGG . $ 16 ARE YOU OUT TO PULL MY LEG , SIR ! $ IS THIS WHAT YOU 'RE AFTER ? $ 01 OF COURSE NOT . $ 16 THEN WHAT ARE YOU AFTER ? $ ARE YOU EVEN A ROMAN CATHOLIC ? $ 01 NO , SIR . $ I AM NOT A ROMAN CATHOLIC . $ 16 THEN WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING HERE . $ 01 I THOUGHT - $ 16 LOOK : I AM A ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIEST WITH OBLIGATORY DUTIE S TO MY FLOCK AND AS THESE ARE BURDENSOME ENOUGH AT PRESENT , I HAVE NOT GOT THE ENERGY NOR THE INCLINATION TO DISTRIBUT E TIME AND PUNISHMENT TO ANY OTHER SPECULATIVE VENTURE INTO THE EVERLASTING , SO GET UP AND TAKE YOUR CONFESSION TO A MI NISTER OF YOUR OWN DENOMINATION . $ 01 I HAVEN'T GOT RELIGION . $ I 'VE NEVER HAD BELIEFS IN THAT DIRECTION . $ 16 IT 'S NOT A QUESTION OF BELIEFS , KILT . $ IT 'S SIMPLY A MATTER OF ASSUMPTIVE SPIRITUAL CONTROL . $ WHAT WERE YOU BAPTISED ? $ 01 I 'VE FORGOTTEN - $ 16 WHAT WAS YOUR FATHER'S DENOMINATION ? $ 01 SOMETHING TO DO WITH TOC H , I THINK . $ 16 WELL , GO TO THEM . $ THEY 'LL SORT YOU OUT . $ 01 BUT I CAN'T . $ I 'VE GOT TO HAVE SOMEWHERE SAFE ; LIKE THE SECURITY OF ONE OF YOUR CONFESSION BOXES . $ I 'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE AND I WANT TO TRY AND - $ 16 YOU MUST REALIZE , YOUNG MAN , I CANNOT PROMISE TO KEEP A NY SECRETS YOU DIVULGE TO ME IN CONFESSION . $ THE LAW ONLY ALLOWS THAT PRIVILEGE WITH R.C.'S AND WE DARE N OT ABUSE IT ; ESPECIALLY THESE DAYS , WHEN JOURNALISTS EVEN HAVE TO REVEAL THEIR SOURCES OF INFORMATION . $ IF YOU 'VE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE , YOU MUST SPEAK WITH THE POLICE . $ 01 I 'LL BE SPEAKING TO THEM SOON ENOUGH . $ I DON'T WANT TO RUSH INTO IT . $ WHAT I 'D LIKE TO DO IS HAVE A FEW DAYS TO MYSELF FIRST . $ MAYBE SORT THINGS OUT ; EXAMINE MY EXPERIENCE . $ I WAS HOPING YOU 'D LET ME STAY HERE - GIVE ME SANCTUARY , L IKE . $ 16 SANCTUARY ! $ ARE YOU MAD ! $ GO HOME AT ONCE , SIR , BEFORE I SET THE LEGION OF MARY ONTO YOU ! $ 01 BUT I CAN'T GO HOME ! $ I 'M IN TROUBLE ! $ MY WIFE - MY WIFE IS - $ 16 - NOW STOP IT ! $ STOP IT AT ONCE ! $ THE WAY YOU 'RE GOING ON ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES IS QUITE DISGUS TING . $ YOU 'RE NOT THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD TO HAVE TROUBLES - NOT BY A LONG CHALK . $ I 'VE GOT TROUBLES , TOO , YOU KNOW , BUT YOU DON'T TROUBLE TO ASK ME ABOUT MY TROUBLES . $ NOBODY EVER BOTHERS TO INQUIRE ABOUT MY TROUBLES . $ I 'VE GOT MORE TROUBLES THAN YOU 'VE HAD HOT DINNERS . $ 01 I 'M SORRY , SIR , BUT I NEVER SAW YOU AS ONE TO HAVE TRO UBLES . $ 16 THAT 'S JUST THE TROUBLE ! $ NO ONE EVER DOES . $ I 'M TROUBLE-FREE AS FAR AS OTHER PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED AND Y ET IT 'S MY MOST SALIENT FEATURE . $ IT STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB . $ EXCEPT MY TROUBLE IS NOT A SORE THUMB . $ MY TROUBLE IS TROUBLE ! $ SO YOU THINK YOU 'VE GOT TROUBLES , EH ? $ 01 I 'VE GOT DEAD TROUBLES . $ 16 IS THAT SO ? $ AND YOU THINK SOME MARITAL UPSET WITH YOUR WIFE NECESSITATES YOUR ALLEVIATION FROM GUILT THROUGH CONFESSION ? $ HM ? $ 01 I HAVE TO TELL SOMEBODY . $ I 'M GOING MAD . $ 16 I 'M GOING TO TELL YOU A TALE YOUNG MAN THAT WILL MAKE YO UR ANXIETY FOR CONFESSION SEEM BOTH TRIVIAL AND SELFISH . $ THIS ' TALE ' IS THE STUFF THAT REAL CONFESSION IS MADE OF , FOR IT INFRINGED ON HUMAN DIGNITY ... $ WHERE DID YOU HEAR TELL OF MY WRITINGS ? $ 01 IN THE SHOP . $ 16 WHAT CONCLUSION DID YOU HAVE ? $ 01 CONCLUSION , SIR ? $ 16 DID YOU THINK THAT THEY WERE WORKS OF A THEOLOGICAL NATUR E ? $ ECCLESIASTICAL UTTERANCES TO PEPPER AND PERSUADE THE CRUSADI NG MISSIONARIES IN THEIR FIGHT AGAINST THE BUCKSHEE , THE BA NSHEE , AND THE BUGABOO ? $ 01 YES . $ YES , I DID . $ 16 THEN YOU WERE WRONG ! $ WRONG , WRONG , WRONG ! $ 01 OH ... $ 16 WHEN I WAS A YOUNG MAN I HAD LITTLE MONEY . $ I CAME FROM THE COTSWOLDS WHERE MY PARENTS HAD A SMALLHOLDIN G . $ OUR LIVES WERE PUT OUT TO GRASS AND EVERY MORNING WE HOPED F OR A HARVEST . $ THERE WERE NO SUBSIDIES IN THOSE DAYS . $ NO BROILING FOWL SIZZLING ON THE SPITS OF SUPERMARKETS BRING ING IN AN EL DORADO . $ PROGRESS , TO MY PARENTS , LAY NOT IN MECHANICALLY MIXED FEE D OR BATTERY HENS , BUT IN OBTAINING A BETTER OPPORTUNITY FO R THEIR CHILDREN ... $ I WORKED HARD AND WON A SCHOLARSHIP TO OXFORD WHERE I JOINED AN OBSCURE SOCIETY WHOSE MOTTO , I REMEMBER , WAS ' CORPUS PARADISUM ' . $ THIS CLUB WAS LED BY A PRE-RAPHAELITE CREATURE OF DELICATE P ERSUASION WHO LATER , ONE WAS ASTOUNDED TO HEAR , ROSE IN TH E RANKS OF THE POLICE FORCE . $ HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY . $ WHERE IT CAME FROM I 'LL NEVER KNOW FOR HIS FATHER WAS A PIA NO TUNER IN KENTISH TOWN . $ NOT , I BELIEVE , A VERY MUSICAL DISTRICT . $ AS I WAS CONSTANTLY KNOCKING ABOUT WITH THIS FELLOW AND ALWA YS EMBARRASSED BY MY LACK OF FUNDS , I TOOK TO THE PEN AND G AVE BIRTH TO SOMETHING THAT HAS HAUNTED MY LIFE EVER SINCE . $ LITERALLY DISGUISED AS ONE ' FELICITY BARTLETT ' I WROTE A R OMANTIC FICTION OF THE PULP-PAPER KIND THAT WAS AN IMMEDIATE SUCCESS . $ THE MONEY ROLLED IN . $ I BEGAN TO LIVE IT UP . $ I WROTE ANOTHER . $ IT WENT INTO NINE EDITIONS . $ VERY SOON , I WAS LIVING ON SUCH A SCALE , I COULDN'T STOP ! $ EVEN WHEN I JOINED THE CHURCH I CONTINUED TO POUR OUT THIS M OONSHINE . $ MY FELLOW CLERGY , BLESS THEM , THOUGHT ME A SPIRITUAL RIVAL TO SAINT AUGUSTINE AND KEPT WELL AWAY . $ MY POOR MOTHER , LITTLE DREAMING OF MY DECADENT SPLENDOUR , WOULD SEND RHUBARB PIES WITH TEN SHILLING NOTES INSIDE TO SA VE ME FROM MATERIAL DISCOMFORT . $ AND ALL THE WHILE ... ALL THESE YEARS , KILT , THESE HIDEOUS BOOKS HAVE BEEN SELLING IN THEIR MILLIONS . $ WRAPPED IN FLESH COLOURED COVERS AND SOLD UNDER THE PSEUDONY M OF ' FELICITY BARTLETT ' - A NAME I FOUND ON A TIN OF PEAR S ! $ 01 SOUNDS LIKE A NICE WAY TO EARN A BIT OF PIN MONEY . $ 16 NICE ! $ IT 'S GHASTLY ! $ MY LIFE HAS BECOME A NIGHTMARE . $ 01 ... THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ... STOP ? $ 16 I TRIED TO STOP ! $ I 'VE BEEN TRYING TO STOP FOR YEARS ! $ I 'VE SAT AT THAT DESK AND WRITTEN DELIBERATELY BADLY TO TRY AND STOP THE MONEY ROLLING IN . $ AND , DO YOU KNOW ? $ IT 'S DOUBLED THE SALES ! $ YES ! $ THE SALES DOUBLED ! $ 01 BUT ... YOU COULD SIMPLY STOP WRITING ALTOGETHER ? $ 16 I CAN'T ! $ BECAUSE I HAVE TO WRITE THE BILGE TO PAY FOR BACK TAXES SO - MUR ! $ YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THESE THINGS SO JUST BE QUIET . $ THIS IS MY CONFESSION ! $ 01 IF I HAD TROUBLES LIKE YOURS , I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT CON FESSION . $ I 'D JUST GET ON WITH IT . $ 16 GET ON WITH WHAT ! $ 01 LIVING . $ 16 OH , WOULD YOU NOW ! $ WELL THAT JUST SHOWS HOW LITTLE YOU KNOW ABOUT SUFFERING . $ GRACIOUS ME , MAN , YOU NEED A COURSE IN CLASSICAL PURGATION ! $ TROUBLE WITH THE WIFE , INDEED ! $ DO YOU SEE THIS LETTER ? $ IT CAME YESTERDAY FROM MY PUBLISHER . $ FIRST CLASS MAIL VIA A BOX NUMBER IN NORWICH . $ IT 'S A REQUEST FOR A PICTURE OF THAT PSYCHIC HARRIDAN , THA T SATANIC KNOCK-OUT DROP : FELICITY BARTLETT ! $ IMMEDIATELY IT SAYS . $ FOR THE COVER OF A NEW BOOK . $ WELL , NOW , THEY 'VE ASKED THIS BEFORE . $ MANY TIMES . $ AND I 'VE ALWAYS REFUSED , OF COURSE . $ THIS TIME , HOWEVER , THE LETTER HAS A SINISTER LITTLE POST- SCRIPT SAYING ... THAT IF I DIDN'T PROVIDE A PHOTOGRAPH , TH E WRETCHED PUBLISHER WOULD TRACK ME DOWN , EVEN IF IT MEANT EMPLOYING A PRIVATE INQUIRY AGENCY , AND ONCE FOUND WOULD TA KE ME OUT TO LUNCH . $ HO ! $ HO ! $ TO LUNCH ! $ CAN'T YOU IMAGINE MY CONFUSION ! $ CAN'T YOU CONSIDER THE EFFECT THIS DAMNED LETTER HAD ON MY N ERVES ? $ I , A HIGHLY RESPECTED THEOLOGIAN WOULD BE EXPOSED AS A WRIT ER OF LURID EROTICA ! $ THE COLLEGE OF CARDINALS WOULD MEET IN CONCLAVE ! $ OSSERVATORE ROMANO WOULD BRAND ME A ' PUBLIC SINNER ' ! $ I HAD TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT . $ I GOT INTO SUCH A DRUNKEN PANIC , THIS AFTERNOON I SENT HIM A PICTURE OF ST. BERNADETTE ! $ O-OH THE WICKEDNESS - $ 01 THAT WAS A BIT HASTY , WASN'T IT ? $ 16 WASN'T IT THOUGH ! $ AND THE DEVILISHLY CUNNING PART OF IT IS : I FOUND MYSELF AP OLOGIZING FOR THE AGE OF THE PICTURE AND EXPLAINING THAT THE RE WASN'T A MORE UP TO DATE ONE , BECAUSE SOON AFTER THE PHO TO WAS TAKEN I - ' FELICITY ' - CUT MY THUMB ON A THRESHING MACHINE AND IT HAD CAUSED ME TO SUFFER FROM LOCKJAW EVER SIN CE ! $ #74 $ WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT FOR THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK ? $ 01 I 'M SORRY FOR YOU . $ 16 SORRY ? $ SORRY ! $ MY GOD ... $ IS THAT ALL YOU CAN SAY ? $ 01 I 'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR PREDICAMENT . $ REALLY . $ 16 AND YOU THINK YOU 'VE GOT TROUBLES . $ MY GOD ... $ 01 I ... MUST BE GOING . $ 16 I HOPE YOU 'VE LEARNED A LESSON IN SELF-PITY , MY SON . $ 01 I 'VE GOT TO BE ... MOVING ON . $ 16 YOU 'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE MAKING NEUROTIC ADVANCES TO AG EING CLERICS IN CROWDED STORES NEXT TIME . $ I 'LL BE BOUND . $ 16 WAIT ! $ IF YOU STILL ARE INTERESTED IN LOOSENING YOUR GIRDLE OF GUIL T ON SOMEBODY ; I ADVISE YOU TO CALL ON THIS LADY , MRS SNIC KELNICKEL MIT DER LOOT . $ SHE 'S A CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST AND SHE HAS VERY DECIDED VIEWS ON THE REALITIES OF GOD-GIVEN GOODNESS AND THE UNREALITIES O F SIN . $ 01 THANK YOU ... $ 16 AND ASK HER TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR YOUR COLD . $ IT MAY ONLY BE A TEXT OR TWO BUT IT 'LL HELP . $ 09 TIGER ... $ DELECTABLE EMIR OF CRUEL SURPRISE ... $ DEVIL ... $ O MOST SUMPTUOUS PIECE OF PHYSICAL EXTRAVAGANCE . $ O MOST VIVACIOUS ACROBAT IN THE LEGION OF MEN ; ROMANTICALLY I AM LINKED WITH YOU FOR EVER . $ HERE YOU STAND : COMMISSIONER OF THE METROPOLITAN POLICE ; J USTICE OF THE PEACE ; REGULATOR OF THE STREET COLLECTIONS ; PROHIBITOR OF PLEASURE ; SUPERVISOR OF PUBLIC CARRIAGES ; GR EAT I AM ! $ HEAD OF THE FRAUD SQUAD , THE GHOST SQUAD , AND THE VICE SQU AD . $ TABULATOR OF TRAFFIC CONTROL ; GUARDIAN OF OUR MAGNIFICENT T RADITION . $ UN GRAND SEIGNEUR OF CIVILISED RIGIDITY AND ... I HAVE ONLY TO MOVE AN INCH AND ONCE MORE YOU ARE FULL OF ENDLESS POSSIB ILITIES ... $ ... OOOOOOOOOOOOH ... $ O YOU ROGUE ... YOU CAVALIER OF FASCINATION . $ MY MOST TRUSTED FRIEND AND FAITHFUL BEDFELLOW - $ I AM YOUR POMONA ! $ OH YES , YOU TIGER , I 'VE SEEN YOU . $ I 'VE SEEN YOU ON STATE OCCASIONS . $ STEALING THE LIMELIGHT . $ RESPLENDENT IN YOUR BLACK LEATHER BOOTS , WHITE KID GLOVES , DOESKIN PANTS , OAKLEAF LACE , YOUR LOOPS AND YOUR TASSELS , YOUR SILVER BUCKLES AND YOUR SWAN-NECKED SPURS , YOUR - $ 10 - SAR ! $ 09 - DAMN ! $ 10 DETECTIVE-SERGEANT SNOG , REPORTING FOR DUTY , SAR ! $ 09 TAKE A PEW , SERGEANT . $ 10 YES SAR ! $ 09 SNOG , WITH WHAT SENTIMENTAL ATTACHMENT IS YOUR NAME KNOW N TO THE UNDERWORLD ? $ 10 SIR ? $ 09 WHAT DOES THAT CHARMED CIRCLE CALL YOU ? $ 10 I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND , SIR . $ 09 I SEE . $ WELL , IS IT AFFABLE ? $ A TERM OF ENDEARMENT LIKE ... CHALKY SNOG OR ... FOGGY SNOG ? $ HMM ? $ IS IT SOGGY SNOG PERHAPS ? $ 10 NO , SIR . $ 09 WELL , IS IT SOMETHING MORE ABUSIVE THEN ? $ 10 MORE OF A ... CORRUPTION , SIR . $ 09 AH . $ I FEARED AS MUCH ... $ HMMM . $ YOU 'RE DUE FOR RETIREMENT SOON , AREN'T YOU ? $ 10 I AM , SIR . $ 09 THEN , NO DOUBT , YOU WILL JOIN A NIGHT SECURITY ORGANISA TION ; MAKE FRIENDS WITH A DOBERMAN PINSCHER . $ TRIM YOUR LAWN ; PLANT PLASTIC GNOMES WHERE ERE YOU WALK AND EVEN , PERHAPS , PUT PEN TO PAPER AND RELATE YOUR EXPERIENC ES IN THE FORCE . $ AM I CORRECT ? $ 10 THAT 'S ABOUT IT , SIR . $ 09 SNOG . $ INSTEAD OF HAVING TO HIDE THIS UNFORTUNATE SOBRIQUET FROM YO UR READERS ; WOULDN'T IT BE MORE - SHALL WE SAY - SENSATIONA L , TO BE IN THE POSITION TO SPATTER THE PAGES WITH A NAME L IKE ... IRON-MAN SNOG OR ... $ HANDS-UP SNOG OR ... $ 10 THE FOX ! $ SNOG THE FOX ! $ I 'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO CALL MY BOOK ' THE FOX AND THE GRAPEV INE ' . $ 09 ... AH . $ 10 IT 'S A FAMILY BON MOT , SIR . $ AN ATTEMPT AT A LITERARY FALSETTO ON THE PART OF MY SON . $ HE 'S DOING HIS G.C.E. $ 09 AH ... SNOG . $ I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING THAT WILL INVIGORATE YOUR LITERARY ALLUSIONS . $ 10 WHAT , SIR ? $ 09 MURDER , SNOG . $ EVER HANDLE ONE ? $ 10 ONCE , SIR . $ IN THE TWENTIES . $ OVER THE IRISH QUESTION . $ 09 AND ? $ 10 NEVER FOUND THE ANSWER . $ 09 WELL , THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE , SNOG . $ AN OPPORTUNITY TO PROVE YOUR CAPABILITIES . $ THE VICTIM IS A MRS KATHERINE KILT . $ SHE WAS FOUND DEAD IN A CUPBOARD OF HER BEDSITTER BY THE LAN DLADY'S SON WHO WAS USING THE ROOM TO CONVERT A FRIEND OF HI S TO PANTHEISM . $ WE 'RE LOOKING FOR THE HUSBAND . $ 10 WAS IT A SHOOTING , SIR ? $ 09 NO . $ CHAPPIE THREW A STATUE AT HER ... $ HE 'S A TOUGH CUSTOMER , SNOG ... $ CATCH HIM . $ 10 VERY GOOD , SAR ! $ 09 TIGER ... $ 04 IF YOU 'RE MAKING A VISITATION , FELLER , YOU 'D BETTER T AKE A SEAT . $ SHE 'S ON THE CAN . $ 01 IT 'S THE RAIN ... $ 04 DAISIE , WILL YOU GET TO HELL OUT OF THAT GODDAMN JOHN . $ THERE 'S A GUY OUT HERE , AND HE 'S SICK ! $ 03 SCREW . $ 04 I TELL YOU , THIS SCHMUCK NEEDS SEEING TO ! $ ONE OF YOUR RELIGIOUS CRONIES SENT HIM 'ROUND . $ A CHURCH OF ST CECILIA . $ 03 I 'M DRUNK AS A SKUNK , AN' AH AIN'T IN NO FIT STATE TO S EE ANYBODEH SO GET HIM OUT OF HERE ! $ 04 AIN'T YOU EVER GOING TO GET OFF THAT FAT ASS OF YOURS ? $ 03 AH 'M GONNA GO BOOM IF YOU YELL AT ME AGAIN ! $ LUNKHEADS LIKE YOU CAN BE REPLACED ANEH OL' TIME , AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT ! $ AND DON'T YOU FORGET MAH INFLUENCE IN THE PENTAGON , NEITHER . $ FOR TWO LOUSEH CENTS AH 'D HAVE YOU BUSTED AND SENT TO GODDA M LEAVENWORTH ! $ THERE 'D BE NO NICE , SOFT EMBASSEH WORK THERE , BOY ! $ 04 YOU GOT A VISITOR . $ 03 OOH ... $ HOWD YA DO . $ AH 'M MRS SNICKELNICKEL ... $ #75 $ MIT ... DER LOOT . $ SAY ... I 'VE SEEN YOU BEFORAH ! $ 01 NO , I 'M SURE YOU HAVEN'T - $ 03 - AH SWEAR WE 'VE MET ON SOME OTHER OCCASION - $ 01 - NO , NEVER - $ 03 - YOU AIN'T FROM THE MASSACHUSETTS METAPHYSICAL COLLEGE B AH ANEH CHANCE ? $ 01 OF COURSE NOT . $ WE 'VE - WE 'VE NEVER MET BEFORE . $ I REALLY THINK I MUST BE GOING - $ 04 SIT DOWN , FELLER . $ YOU 'VE ONLY JUST COME IN ! $ 03 THAT WAS MR PONDEROSA TALKIN' . $ HE 'S MAH SOCIAL SECRETAREH . $ WE DO 5BX TOGETHEH - DON'T WE , HONEH ? $ WITH GODDAMN COMBAT BOOTS ON ! $ 04 HE 'S SICK . $ 03 WHO 'S SICK ? $ 04 HIM . $ HE 'S SICK . $ 03 YOU SICK ? $ 01 I FEEL SICK . $ 03 YOU 'RE NOT SICK . $ YOU NEED THE DIVINE MIND . $ 01 I THINK I NEED AN ASPIRIN . $ SOMETHING TO KILL THE PAIN . $ 03 YOU MUST BE SICK . $ SICK , SICK , SICK - $ 01 I FEEL SICK . $ 03 IF YOU BELIEVE THAT A PUFFECTLEH ORDINARAH ASPIRIN 'S GON NA TAKE THE PLACE OF THE DIVINE MIND , YOU MUST BE VERY SICK . $ 01 I FEEL OUT OF SORTS AND THOUGHT , MAYBE AN ASPIRIN - $ 03 ARE YOU A SATIRIST OR SOMETHING ? $ 01 NO - $ 03 THEN WHY IN THE PEA PICKIN' WORLD DO YOU COME LOOKIN' FOR AH AN ASPIRIN IN A HOUSE OF CHRIST SCIENCE ! $ 01 CANON CUSHION GAVE ME YOUR ADDRESS . $ HE SAID YOU COULD HELP ME . $ 03 HOW ? $ 01 TO ... CLARIFY MY FEELINGS . $ 03 WHAT FEELINGS ? $ 01 FOR SOMETHING I DONE . $ 03 SHOOT ! $ 01 FEELINGS OF GLADNESS - $ 03 - THAT 'S GOOD . $ 01 RELEASE FROM SUFFERING - $ 03 - THAT 'S GREAT . $ 01 HIGH SPIRITS EVEN - $ 03 - THAT 'S GOD . $ 01 THAT 'S WHY I NEED YOUR HELP . $ 03 YOU DON'T NEED HELP WITH THEM FEELIN'S , MISTER . $ YOU 'RE A.O.K. WITH FEELIN'S LIKE THAT . $ AIN'T HE MR PONDEROSA ? $ 04 RIGHT ON THE BUTTON , DAISIE GAL . $ 01 BUT DON'T YOU SEE ! $ I SHOULDN'T HAVE FEELINGS LIKE THIS ! $ I 'VE COMMITTED A TERRIBLE - SIN . $ 03 OH , BULL-SHEET ! $ IT 'S AAALL AN ILLUSION : LIKE THE GOOD BOOK SAYS . $ 01 THE EVIDENCE IS VERY , VERY REAL . $ 03 IT SEEMS REAL . $ 01 NOT ANYMORE , IT DOESN'T . $ 03 IT DOESN'T SEEM REAL ? $ 01 IT SEEMS UNREAL . $ 03 IT IS UNREAL . $ 01 ONCE IT WAS REAL . $ 03 SEEMED REAL - $ 01 - REALLY REAL . $ 03 SEEMED REALLY REAL . $ 01 NOW IT SEEMS - $ 03 - UNREAL ? $ 01 - DEAD . $ 04 WHAT IS FELLER ? $ WHAT 'S DEAD ? $ 01 HMM ? $ 04 WHAT 'S DEAD ? $ 01 SOMETHING ... $ 04 HUH , HUH ... WHAT ? $ 03 THE MAN WAS SAYING - $ 04 SHUT YER YAP ... $ WHAT IS IT ? $ COME ON NOW , FELLER , YOU CAN TALK . $ WHAT 'S DEAD ? $ 03 HEY , CUT THAT OUT AT ONCE ! $ THIS AIN'T NOTHIN' TO DO WITH YOU SO BEAT IT ! $ 04 I 'M ONLY ASKING THE FELLER A QUESTION . $ I 'M THINK MAYBE HE 'S HIDING SOMETHING . $ 03 AH SAID , BEAT IT ! $ 04 OKAY , HANDLE IT YOURSELF THEN . $ 03 YOU BET . $ 04 GO ON , THEN . $ HANDLE IT . $ 03 YOU BETAH 'LL HANDLE IT . $ THIS CHRISTIAN SCIENCE , AH 'LL HAVE YOU KNOW , WAS MAH LATE BEREAVED HUSBAND'S RELIGION AND AS HE BROUGHT ME OUT OF THE HOUSE OF MINSKY , OUT OF THE LAND OF BUMP AND GRIND , AH 'M NOT GONNA LET HIM DOWN BAH BENDIN' MAH WILL TO YOUR SAVAGE INFLUENCE ! $ 04 AW , CRAP . $ 03 YA GOTTA EXCUSE MISTER PONDEROSA , HE LIKES A QUICK RESPO NSE . $ IT GIVES HIM THE OPPORTUNITEH TO MAKE COUNTER CHARGES . $ HIS MARINE TRAININ' YA KNOW ... $ NOW , WHERE WAS WE . $ 01 REALLY - NO MORE - I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE . $ I 'M GOING , MISS . $ 03 BUT YOU CAIN'T LEAVE . $ AH AIN'T NEVER BEEN SO COSEH SINCE THEM DAYS OF FIRESIDE CHA TS WITH MR ROOSEVELT ! $ 01 I 'M NOT DOING ANY GOOD HERE . $ 03 HAH - BUT AH 'VE GOT NOOZE FOR YOU ! $ YOU AIN'T HEARD THE BEST OF CHRISTIAN SCIENCE TESTIMONEH - $ 01 - I 'M LEAVING - $ 03 DEATH IS UNREAL ! $ 04 I NEED A DRINK . $ 03 YOU GOTTA FORGIVE MISTER PONDEROSA . $ HE 'S ONEY MAH SOCIAL SECRETAREH AN' HASN'T REAPED THE HARVE ST . $ 04 WE 'RE OUT OF BOURBON . $ 03 THE SAD FACT IS , MISTER : HE AIN'T EVEN TRIED . $ 04 I SAID : WE 'RE OUT OF BOURBON . $ 03 WHAT D' YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT , JUMP UP AND DOWN ON A POUND OF GODDAMN GRAPES ! $ GO AND BUY SOME . $ 04 THERE 'S SOMETHING REAL FISHY ABOUT YOU , MAN . $ I 'VE A SHREWD SUSPICION YOU 'RE IN DEEP , DEEP TROUBLE . $ MAYBE EVEN WITH THE POL-ICE . $ 03 BYE , LUNKY ! $ GREAT ! $ HE 'S GONE . $ NOW , WE CAN REALLY TALK ! $ DO YOU RECOGNISE ME ? $ WELL , DO YOU ? $ 01 I - YES . $ 03 'CAUSE I RECOGNISE YOU . $ 01 YOU DO ! $ 03 FROM SOMEWHERE OR OTHER . $ 01 AH - $ 03 YOU 'VE BEEN SENT . $ 01 OH ? $ 03 MYSTERIOUSLEH ! $ 01 AH - $ 03 TO HELP ME IN MAH TIME OF NEED . $ 01 I 'M NOT MASONIC . $ 03 OH , MISTER ! $ YOU HAVE SAVED MAH LIFE ! $ THE MOMENT AH SAW YOU LOOM UP IN THIS HERE APARTMENT , AH JU ST NOO AH 'D FOUND A SAVIOUR . $ AH JUST NOO THAT THE PRAYERS AH HAD OFFERED FROM THIS TIRED OL' BODEH HAD BEEN HEARD IN BOSTON . $ AH SAID TO MYSELF : HE 'S COME ! $ HE 'S COME DISGUISED - LIKE THE LONE RANGER - TO TAKE ME AWA Y , AND MAKE ME CLEAN AND PURE AGAIN ! $ MISTER , LISTEN - LISTEN , MISTER , - HEAR MAH CONFESSION - PLEASE ! $ EVER SINCE MAH HUSBAND'S DEPARTURE , AH SWEARYA AH 'VE DONE NOTHIN' BUT FALL APART AT THE SEAMS . $ FALLEN APART , MISTER . $ LIKE IT WAS THIRTY YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS DAISIE TRUMP , ' THE GLACIATED GLUTTON' SWALLOWIN' SABRES AT DOWN-TOWN BURLESQUE JOINTS . $ GRINDIN' OUT SUGGESTIONS WITH THEM SWORDS 'TIL BLISTERS APPE ARED ON THE BACK OF MAH NECK . $ FIGHTIN' AND BAWLIN' MAH WAY ROUND THE WORLD LIKE AH NEVER H AD THE BENEFITS OF MR SNICKELNICKEL MIT DER LOOT AND HIS WON 'ERFUL CHRISTIAN SCIENCE . $ OH , MISTER , YOU 'VE COME JUST IN TIME ! $ YOU 'VE SAVED ME ! $ 01 I HAVEN'T SAVED YOU ! $ YOU 'RE MAD ! $ 03 YOU HAVE ! $ YOU HAVE ! $ 01 YOU 'VE LOST A BLOODY SCREW , WOMAN ! $ YOU 'VE GOT IT ALL ARSE BACKWARDS ! $ OULD KNOW . $ #76 $ 03 PURGE ME , MISTER , PURGE ME WHILE THERE 'S TIME ! $ 01 GOD HAVE MERCY ! $ LET GO OF ME ! $ LET ME GET OUT ! $ 03 DON'T BE MEAN . $ DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH MR PONDEROSA . $ TAKE ME BACK TO BOSTON WITH YOU , PLEEEEEASE ... $ 01 MISS . $ MISS , YOU 'VE GOT A COMPLETELY FALSE IMPRESSION OF ME . $ I CAME HERE WITH A NEED . $ A NEED TO CONFIDE . $ I 'VE COMMITTED THIS CRIME AND I WANTED - WELL - A HEARING . $ KNOW WHAT I MEAN ? $ SOMEONE , ANOTHER HUMAN BEING , WHO 'D BE PREPARED TO LISTEN TO MY SIDE OF THINGS BEFORE I HANDED MYSELF OVER TO THE LAW . $ THAT 'S HOW I GOT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE . $ CANON CUSHION SENT ME . $ I WENT TO HIM THINKING HE MIGHT SEE ME CLEAR ON A COUPLE OF POINTS ; BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE WAS TOO BUSY WITH HIS OWN PROB LEMS . $ I THINK MAYBE YOU 'RE TOO BUSY , TOO , MISS ... $ 03 IF YOU COME WITH ME , YOU 'LL FIND MAH AFFECTIONS MOST DI SCRIMINATIN' - NEAR EVERYBODEH REMARKED ON HOW MUCH MAH HUSB AND LOOKED LIKE GENERAL ROBERT E LEE . $ BEFORAH HE DIED ... $ 04 SAY , HAS THAT CREEPY LITTLE SON OF A BITCH HITAILED IT Y ET ? $ HE 'D BETTER HAVE , IF HE KNOWS WHAT 'S GOOD FOR HIS HEALTH . $ 03 AWWW , GET OUT WILL YA ? $ 04 WHAT 'S THAT YOU SAID ? $ 03 GEEET OUUT ... $ 04 IT 'S JUST AS WELL THAT FELLER IS GONE . $ 'CAUSE I TOOK THE TROUBLE OF REPORTING HIM . $ TO THE POL-ICE . $ 03 WHATEVER FORAH ! $ 04 'CAUSE I THINK HE DONE WRONG , DAISIE , GAL . $ I THINK HE 'S AN OUTLAW . $ 03 NOBODEH 'S AN OUTLAW IN THE SIGHTS O' GOD ! $ 04 SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE , THAT GUY COMMITTED A CRIME THA T WOULD SOUND MORE NATURAL CONFESSIN' IN THE THIRD DEGREE . $ NOT IN HERE . $ 03 CONFESSIN' ! $ I LIKE THAT ! $ WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT CONFESSIN' ! $ A STUPID MARINE WHO LIVES BAH HIS PRICK AND THE GUN - A LUNK HEAD ! $ 04 THAT 'S JUST WHERE YOU 'RE WRONG , DAISIE OLD GAL ... I W OULD KNOW . $ $ 03 YOU 'RE FIRED ! $ YOU 'RE QUITTIN' THIS JOB ! $ YOU 'RE OUT ON YOUR OWN ! $ 04 WHATEVER FOAH , DAISIE , HONEH ? $ 03 'CAUSE YOU 'VE RUINED ME , THAT 'S WHAT FOAH ! $ YOU MADE MAH NAME MUD IN EVEREH CHRISTIAN SCIENCE READIN' RO OM ROUND THE WORLD . $ AH 'M IGNORED , DESPISED BAH EVEN THE CLOSEST OF MAH LATE HU SBAND'S ASSOCIATES ! $ THANKS TO YOU , AH CAN NEVER HOLD MAH HAID UP IN BOSTON AGAI N ! $ GEET OUT ! $ THAT 'S RIGHT , HONEH . $ YOU START PACKIN' ! $ I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU 'D DO THIS . $ 04 PUT 'EM ON . $ 03 I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU 'D DO THIS ! $ 04 OF COURSE YOU DID SWEETHEART ; NOW , PUT ON THE BOOTS LIK E I SAID . $ 03 MONNNSTER ! $ 04 NO , DAISIE . $ ROMANTIC ... IN THE STRICT SENSE OF THE WORD . $ YOU KNOW HOW WE GET ALONG . $ WE GET ALONG SWELL , BABY . $ SO STOP SCREAMING AND STRIP DOWN TO YOUR BVD'S . $ 04 NOW HEAR THIS ! $ AS ALL YOU GUYS WHO SAW ACTION IN VIETNAM ARE WELL AWARE , W E , IN THE FREE WORLD , ARE WAGING A CONSTANT WAR . $ THE WAR AGAINST COMMUNISM . $ IN ORDER TO WIN THAT WAR , THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT DEEM IT E SSENTIAL THAT ALL ENLISTED MEN ARE KEPT IN FIGHTING-FIT COND ITION SO AS WE CAN SPREAD THE CAUSE OF PEACE WITHOUT HINDERA NCE OR OPPOSITION FROM ANY SOURCE . $ NOW BY FIGHTING-FIT , I DON'T MEAN SLUGGING SOME FAIRY IN A BAR , I MEAN EXERCISE ; PHYSICAL EXERCISE - AND THAT GOES FO R NON-COMS AS WELL . $ OKAY ! $ JOKE OVER . $ NOW WAIT FOR THE COMMAND ... $ I SAID WAIT FOR THE COMMAND BUDDY ! $ PLATOOOON ... $ ATTEN-TION ! $ FORWAAARD - MARCH ! $ 17 SHOUT ALOUD SALVATION , AND WE 'LL HAVE ANOTHER SONG : SI NG IT WITH A SPIRIT THAT WILL START THE WORLD ALONG : SING I T AS OUR COMRADES SANG IT MANY A THOUSAND STRONG AS THEY WER E MARCHING TO GLORY . $ MARCH ON , MARCH ON ! $ WE BRING THE JUBILEE ; FIGHT ON , FIGHT ON ! $ SALVATION MAKES US FREE ; WE 'LL SHOUT OUR SAVIOUR'S PRAISES OVER EVERY LAND AND SEA AS WE GO MARCHING TO GLORY . $ HOW THE ANXIOUS SHOUT IT WHEN THEY HEAR THE JOYFUL SOUND , H OW THE WEAKEST CONQUER WHEN THE SAVIOUR THEY HAVE FOUND ! $ HOW OUR GRAND BATTALIONS WITH TRIUMPHANT POWER ABOUND , AS W E GO MARCHING TO GLORY . $ SO WE 'LL MAKE A THOROUGHFARE FOR JESUS AND HIS TRAIN : ALL THE WORLD SHALL HEAR US AS FRESH CONVERTS STILL WE GAIN SIN SHALL FLY BEFORE US FOR RESISTANCE IS IN VAIN AS WE GO MARC HING TO GLORY . $ 11 YES , FRIENDS . $ IT 'S TRUE . $ WE ARE MARCHING TO GLORY . $ MARCHING ALONG THE GREAT WHITE WAY THAT LEADS US TO JESUS - $ 12 PRAISE THE LORD ! $ 13 HALLELUJAH ! $ 11 WE DON'T NEED COMFORTS , WEALTH AND POWER , FRIENDS - $ 12 PRAISE THE LORD ! $ 11 NO LONGER WILL WE SEEK THE DROSS OF BASE DESIRE - $ 13 HALLELUJAH ! $ 11 WE HAVE CROSSED THE CLEANSING RIVER - $ 12 PRAISE THE LORD ! $ 11 CLIMBED THE HEAVENLY STAIRWAY - $ 13 HALLELUJAH ! $ 11 REJOICING IN HIS BLOOD , FRIENDS ! $ 12 13 PRAISE THE LORD ! $ HALLELUJAH ! $ 13 PRAISE THE LORD ] $ HALLELUJAH ! $ 11 OH YES ! $ IN THE WORDS OF THAT OLD FAVOURITE : WHILE THE ANGEL CHOIRS ARE CRYING , GLORY TO THE GREAT I AM ! $ I WITH THEM WILL STILL BE VYING GLORY , GLORY TO THE LAMB - SECOND VERSE . $ #77 $ 12 - YES ? $ 01 I WANT A BED . $ 12 HAVE Y' COME FOR PASSION SUNDAY - $ 01 SORRY - ? $ 12 HAVE Y' COME FOR THE PASSION OR COME TAE KIP ? $ 01 I WANT TO STAY THE NIGHT ! $ 12 OH AYE . $ STEP IN . $ WELCOME TO THE SALLY ANN - I 'M A LASS . $ 13 - SO AM I - $ 12 SO IS SHE . $ STEP INTO THE CUBICLE . $ 13 DROP YOUR PANTS . $ 12 TAKE YOUR COAT OFF - $ 13 - LOOSEN YOUR TIE - $ 12 - AND YOUR WOOLLIE - $ 13 - AND HOLD THEM UP IN THE AIR . $ 12 OKAY ? $ 01 WHAT 'S THIS - $ 12 - STAND UP . $ 13 THAT 'S RIGHT . $ 12 TURN TO THE LEFT . $ 13 NOW TO THE RIGHT . $ 12 LOOK UP . $ 01 LOOK HERE - $ 13 LOOK DOWN . $ 12 TURN ROOND . $ 13 CLOSE YOUR EYES . $ 12 BEND DOON . $ 13 RAISE YOUR ARMS . $ 12 RIGHT DOON . $ 13 NOW YOUR HAIR . $ 12 AND YOUR CHIN . $ 13 THAT 'S RIGHT . $ 12 GOOD BOY . $ 13 YOU A TRAMP ? $ 01 NO - $ 12 A WET-THE-BED ? $ 01 - NO - $ 13 A WASTREL ? $ 12 A DRUNKARD ? $ 13 DISABLED ? $ 12 EPILEPTIC ? $ 13 GINGIVITIC ? $ 12 SCURVY ? $ 13 RINGWORM ? $ 12 DROPSY ? $ 01 - NO - NO - $ 12 YOU 'RE NOT A DOPE FIEND ? $ 13 A SHIP IN THE NIGHT ? $ 12 A ROLLING BAWBEE ? $ 01 NO - NO - NO - I 'M A SINNER ! $ 11 LET US PRAY - $ 12 A WHAT ? $ 01 I 'M A SINNER . $ 13 A SINNER ? $ 01 - YES - YES - $ 12 PEGGY - PEGGY - $ 12 JUST A MINUTE ER ... $ YOU WAIT THERE . $ 13 HOLD ON . $ DON'T GO AWAY . $ 12 MISTER ER ... ER $ 01 YES ? $ 12 WE 'VE SPOKEN TO THE CAPTAIN . $ 13 TOLD HIM - Y' KNOW - $ 12 - WHAT YOU WERE - $ 13 - AND THINGS . $ 12 A SINNER . $ 01 YES ? $ 12 HE SAYS YOU 'LL HAVE TO LEAVE . $ 01 WHAT ? $ 12 LEAVE . $ HERE . $ YOU 'LL HAVE TO GO . $ 01 GO ? $ 13 THAT 'S RIGHT . $ 01 BUT - BUT WHY ? $ 12 CAPTAIN SAYS HE CAN'T HAVE SINNERS HERE . $ CAN'T AFFORD TAE TAKE THE CHANCE . $ HE SAYS THE REST OF THE MEN WOULDNAE LIKE IT . $ IT WOULD UPSET THEM . $ HAVING A SINNER IN THEIR MIDST ; THEY 'D FEEL ... SLIGHTED . $ 13 CAPTAIN SAYS IT WOULD LOWER THE TONE . $ 12 I 'M SORRY , BUT YOU 'LL HAVE TAE LEAVE . $ 13 HERE . $ LET ME HELP - $ 12 PEGGY ! $ 01 THANK YOU ... $ 12 MISTER ER ... $ MISTER ... YOU OWE US SIXPENCE , I 'M AFRAID . $ SIXPENCE . $ FOR THE DDT . $ 11 BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES , BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES WE SHAL L COME REJOICING , BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES . $ 14 AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU 'RE DOING ? $ 15 I WAS WIPING HIS BROW ! $ 14 I THOUGHT I LEFT YOU DUSTING THE CHAIRS IN THE LIVING ROO M ? $ 15 I CAME IN TO HELP . $ 14 I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER SAYING , ' KEEP AWAY ' . $ 15 I KNOW BUT - $ 14 - IN FACT , I ALSO LOCKED THE DOOR . $ 15 IT WAS OPEN WHEN I CAME IN . $ 14 IN WHICH CASE , YOU CAN EXPLAIN HOW THESE CHIPMARKS APPEA RED ON THE WOOD . $ 15 ... MICE ? $ 14 NO , IT WAS NOT ! $ YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO COME IN , TINY ! $ 15 I WANTED TO SEE HOW HE WAS . $ 14 HE IS SLEEPING PEACEFULLY . $ 15 YES . $ IT 'S A WONDER ISN'T IT ? $ 14 NEVER MIND THAT . $ GO AND DUST THE CHAIRS . $ I DON'T WANT YOU NEAR HIM . $ 15 REALLY ANGUS , SOMETIMES - $ 14 IT 'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD . $ YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE HE 'S BEEN . $ 15 THAT 'S NOT NICE , ANGUS - $ 14 HE MIGHT BE DANGEROUS ! $ 15 OH , BOSH ! $ HE WOULDN'T HARM A FLY ! $ 14 OH , WOULDN'T HE . $ 15 OF COURSE NOT ... WOULD YOU DIDDUMS ? $ 14 LEAVE HIM ALONE . $ #78 $ 15 WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DOES FOR A LIVING ? $ 14 I - I DON'T KNOW . $ 15 WHAT WOULD YOU SAY ? $ 14 HAVEN'T A CLUE . $ 15 GIVE A GUESS . $ 14 I TOLD YOU : I DON'T KNOOOW . $ 15 I THINK HE JUGGLES BALLS . $ 14 ... HE DOESN'T . $ 15 OH ... WHY NOT ? $ 14 HE DOES NOT JUGGLE BALLS . $ 15 HOW DO YOU KNOW ? $ 14 BECAUSE I 'VE ... NEVER SEEN HIS WORK . $ 15 OH , BUT HE JUGGLES IN A SMALL WAY . $ MOLECULES IN MOTION , HE PROBABLY CALLS IT . $ TOURS THE DONKEY DERBIES AND THE MINI-CAR CLUB DANCES . $ AT FIRST , WHEN WE DISCOVERED HIM ASLEEP IN THE CHURCHYARD , I THOUGHT HE WAS A DISPLACED CONJUROR . $ BUT HIS HANDS ARE TOO SMALL . $ THE CONJUROR WE HAD AT THE BROWNIE CHRISTMAS PARTY HAD ENORM OUS HANDS . $ SIMPLY , THUMPING GREAT - $ 14 - I 'VE ALREADY SAID : HE DOES NOT JUGGLE WITH BALLS ! $ 15 ANGUS ? $ 14 I TOLD YOU NOT TO BLOODY WELL COME IN HERE , DIDN'T I ? $ 15 ANGUS ! $ 14 SNOOPING AROUND THE MOMENT MY BACK WAS TURNED ! $ I SUPPOSE , IN ORDER TO GET IN , YOU BROUGHT INTO SERVICE Y ' GIRL GUIDE TACTICS ? $ 15 YOU JUST STOP IT NOW - $ 14 - YOUR BROWN OWL CUNNING WENT TO WORK I 'LL BET . $ ... NOTCHING UP THE BADGES YOU PRISED OPEN THE DOOR WITH A P EN-KNIFE BLADE NORMALLY RESERVED FOR GETTING OUT STONES FROM HORSES HOOVES . $ I KNOW . $ ALRIGHT . $ ALRIGHT . $ OH GOD ... I 'M SORRY ... $ 15 GET AWAY FROM ME ! $ 14 I DIDN'T MEAN ... $ 15 GET AWAY - $ GET AWAY ] $ 14 S - SSH - YOU 'LL WAKE HIM UP . $ 15 I DON'T CARE ! $ 14 AAAHH . $ NOW THAT 'S UNKIND , THAT 'S NOT LIKE YOU TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT . $ YOU DON'T MEAN THAT SURELY . $ 15 I ... DON'T ... CARE . $ 14 A - W - W $ COME HERE , ME OLD KAFFIR . $ THERE , THERE NOW ... $ S - SHH ... $ POOR OLD THING ... $ YOU CRY ON BWANA'S SHOULDER ... $ AAWWW $ THAT 'S RIGHT ... DO YOU GOOD . $ WHAT HORRIBLE BAD WORDS ICKLE BWANA SAY TO HIS GREAT BIG KAF FIR EH ? $ ... YES I KNOW ... YEEES ... SSSH NOW ... $ BUT HE ONLY WANTED TO SAVE HER FROM NAUGHTY MAN ... THAT 'S ALL ... ICKLE BWANA WOULDN'T WANT HIS GREAT BIG KAFFIR TO BE IN DANGER . $ NOT FOR ANYTHING ... NOOO ... $ 15 I 'M ALL RIGHT NOW . $ 14 YOU SURE ? $ 15 YES - YES I 'M FINE . $ 14 ALL FORGIVEN ? $ THAT 'S THE SPIRIT ! $ HA - HA . $ THAT 'S ME OLD KAFFIR ! $ 15 DARLING ? $ 14 KISS AND MAKE UP ? $ THERE ! $ 15 DARLING ... I WISH YOU WOULDN'T BE SO ... SO ... $ 14 WHAT ? $ 15 SO EMERGENT IN YOUR AFFECTIONS . $ YOU KNOW , REFERRING TO ME AS YOUR ... GREAT BIG KAFFIR ... $ 14 O - OH WE - ELL IT 'S ... $ 15 IT PUTS A RATHER SINISTER POSTE-SCRIPT ON OUR MARRIAGE , DARLING . $ 14 IT 'S JUST A TERM OF ENDEARMENT , FOR CHRISSAKE ! $ 15 I KNOW HOW ... YOU FEEL ABOUT ... FRUIT FARMERS AND ... A LL ... BEING RAISED ON THE ... WHATEVER IT 'S CALLED ... THE VELDT - $ 14 - I THINK HE 'S COMING ROUND ! $ 15 BUT WHY DO YOU - $ 14 - YES ! $ - HE 'S COMING ROUND . $ 01 NO - NO ! $ 14 S' ALL RIGHT OLD BOY . $ S' ALL RIGHT . $ YOU 'RE AMONGST SAMARITANS . $ 01 WHERE AM I ? $ 14 SAINT JAMES-THE-LESS . $ I 'M THE PASTOR , AND THIS IS MY WIFE . $ 15 GOOD MORNING ! $ DID YOU SLEEP WELL ? $ 01 I DREAMT I WAS BEING TORTURED . $ STUCK LIKE A PIG WITH A PIKE-STAFF . $ 14 IT WASN'T US . $ WE 'RE C OF E . $ 01 ... WHAT AM I DOING HERE ? $ 14 WE FOUND YOU IN THE CHURCHYARD , KIPPING ON A BENCH . $ DON'T YOU REMEMBER ? $ 01 I REMEMBER TRYING TO UNBURDEN MYSELF ON SOME PEOPLE ... $ 14 HAVE ANY LUCK ? $ 01 NOT A SAUSAGE , SIR . $ 14 WELL , THERE 'S ALWAYS OLD ME ! $ AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW , I 'M THE FAMOUS ANGUS CRUISE-ORB ! $ 15 ANGUS IS A TV COMPERE OF A SHOW CALLED GETTING WITH GOD ! $ IT 'S VERY POPULAR . $ 14 I SUPPOSE YOU COULD SAY I 'M THE STAR . $ APART , THAT IS , FROM THE GREAT I AM ! $ 15 WE WON'T BOTHER MR - WHAT IS YOUR NAME ? $ 01 KILT , MISS . $ 15 MR KILT WITH CREDENTIALS JUST NOW , HE MUST BE FEELING PE CKISH . $ WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE THUMPING BIG BREAKFAST OR WOULD YOU PR EFER SOMETHING MORE FRANCAIS ? $ 01 YOU 'RE BEING VERY KIND - $ 15 - NICE THUMPING BIG BREAKFAST ? $ 01 I AM QUITE HUNGRY - $ 15 GOOD ! $ 01 I WOULDN'T LIKE TO IMPOSE . $ I 'VE ALREADY TAKEN UP A BED . $ 14 OH , NO , OLD BOY . $ I SLEEP IN THAT ONE . $ 01 YOUR WIFE'S - $ 14 - SHE ENJOYS A KNAPSACK . $ WE 'RE A VERY CONTEMPORARY COUPLE , MR KILT . $ 15 AFTER BREAKFAST , I 'LL DRIVE YOU DOWN TO THE NATIONAL AS SISTANCE BOARD . $ 14 I DON'T THINK THAT 'LL BE NECESSARY , DEAR . $ I 'LL BE ABLE TO FIX HIM UP , MYSELF . $ 15 ... WITH A JOB ? $ 14 YES . $ 15 REALLY ? $ 14 HM , HM . $ 15 WHERE , THOUGH ? $ 14 I 'VE GOT SWAY . $ 15 IN TELEVISION ? $ 14 WHY NOT ? $ 15 BUT , WHAT ABOUT A ROOM AND - $ 14 - HE CAN STAY HERE . $ WITH ME . $ 15 CAN HE ? $ 14 CERTAINLY . $ 15 OH ... $ 01 REVEREND , YOU 'VE BEEN VERY GOOD AS IT IS . $ I CAN'T IMPOSE ON YOU BOTH - $ 14 - NONSENSE , OLD BOY ! $ PERHAPS YOU 'LL BE ABLE TO DO ME A FAVOUR IN RETURN . $ BREAKFAST , DEAR ? $ 15 ... WHAT ? $ 14 BREAKFAST . $ FOR MR KILT ? $ 15 SORRY . $ HOW LONG WILL MR KILT BE WITH US ? $ 14 FOR A BIT , DEAR , FOR A BIT . $ 15 WEEK OR SO ? $ 14 WE 'LL DISCUSS IT LATER . $ NOW IF YOU 'VE FINISHED YOUR LITTLE - HA , HA - INQUISITION , PERHAPS WE COULD GET SOME NOSH AROUND HERE , EH ? $ 15 THERE 'S THE PAPER BOY ... $ ONE OR TWO EGGS MR KILT ? $ 01 EMMM - $ 15 - TWO ? $ 01 THANK YOU VERY MUCH , MISS . $ 15 IT 'S NOTHING . $ I SERVE ON THE OXFAM COMMITTEE . $ I KNOW WHAT IT 'S LIKE TO GO HUNGRY . $ #79 $ 01 YOU 'VE BEEN VERY KIND , REVEREND . $ TAKING ME IN AND GIVING ME A BED . $ VERY CHRISTIAN . $ 14 WE COULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU IN THE CHURCHYARD ... $ NOT FOR EVERYONE TO SEE . $ YOU MUST BE STARVING . $ 01 YES , SIR . $ I AM . $ 14 I EXPECT YOU WERE TOO ... BUSY TO EAT , LAST NIGHT . $ 01 LAST NIGHT , I DIDN'T REALLY FEEL UP TO IT . $ 14 IN TOO MUCH OF A HURRY , I SUPPOSE ? $ 01 I SUPPOSE SO , SIR . $ 14 NOT UP TO PAR ? $ 01 NOT QUITE UP TO PAR , SIR . $ 14 MR KILT , DON'T YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING A LITTLE RECKLES S , JUST NOW ? $ 01 RECKLESS ? $ 14 GIVING US YOUR NAME . $ YOU KNOW ... COMING OUT WITH YOUR NAME THE WAY YOU DID . $ 01 I 'M NOT ASHAMED OF MY NAME , SIR . $ 14 NO ? $ 01 MIND YOU , I 'M NOT PROUD OF IT EITHER . $ IN FACT , I TEND TO BEHAVE QUITE INDIFFERENTLY WHENEVER IT ' S BROUGHT UP . $ 14 ... OBVIOUSLY , YOU HAVEN'T , AS YET , FELT THE EFFECT OF THE CHASE . $ 01 WHAT CHASE ? $ 14 WELL , UN ... LAST NIGHT , YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT - $ 01 OH , THAT WASN'T A CHASE . $ I SIMPLY WANTED TO LET LOOSE ON A CONFIDENCE . $ 14 WHAT SORT OF CONFIDENCE ? $ 01 I WOULDN'T LIKE TO TELL YOU , SIR . $ IT MIGHT GET YOU INTO TROUBLE . $ 14 LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT ! $ COME ON , TELL ME WHAT THIS CONFIDENCE IS ! $ 01 WELL , I GOT INTO A SPOT OF BOTHER - WE WON'T SAY MORE TH AN THAT . $ AND I - GOD KNOWS WHY - I HAD THIS CRAVING TO TELL SOMEONE M Y SIDE OF THE STORY BEFORE , YOU SEE , I WAS ... $ 14 ARRESTED ? $ 01 THAT 'S RIGHT , SIR . $ THE FACT IS , I NEVER GOT ROUND TO TELLING ANYBODY , ANYTHIN G . $ WE HAD A BIT OF A CHINWAG , OF COURSE ; THESE VARIOUS ... CH ANNELS AND I . $ BUT SOMEHOW WE NEVER DISCUSSED MY PREDICAMENT . $ ANYWAY , LAST NIGHT , WHEN I WAS WALKING HOME - $ 14 - HOME ! $ 01 I LIVE QUITE NEARBY , SIR . $ AND I POPPED INTO YOUR CHURCHYARD FOR A REST . $ SITTING OUT THERE , I GREW QUITE RESIGNED TO HANDING OVER MY PROBLEM TO THE PROPER DEPARTMENT OF CONCERN . $ THE ONLY THING WAS , I FELL ASLEEP . $ 14 AND WHAT , WOULD THE PROPER DEPARTMENT OF CONCERN , BE ? $ 01 ... SCOTLAND YARD , SIR . $ 14 SCOTLAND YARD ! $ BUT YOU CAN'T - $ 01 - EH ? - $ 14 -I TELL YOU , YOU CAN'T ! $ I HAVE A PLAN - $ 01 WHAT 'S THAT ! $ 14 THAT , OLD BOY , IS THE EFFECT OF THE CHASE . $ 15 OH MY GOD , ANGUS , LOOK ! $ LOOK AT THIS PAPER . $ IT 'S HIM . $ MR KILT ! $ PLASTERED ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGE . $ HE 'S WANTED FOR MURDER ] $ 14 I KNOW , ME OLD KAFFIR . $ 09 GOOD-MORNING , CANDYTUFT ! $ YOU LOOK ANNOYED , TODAY . $ OBVIOUSLY YOU 'RE STILL SMARTING FROM YOUR TELEVISION APPEAR ANCE , LAST NIGHT . $ YOU WERE A ... DISAPPOINTING IMAGE . $ THAT IS WHAT THE PAPERS SAY . $ IT SEEMS TO BE THE GENERAL VERDICT . $ I DISAGREE OF COURSE . $ IT 'S ONLY NATURAL ; I AM YOUR POMONA . $ I WOULD DEFEND YOUR GORGEOUS , GAUDY , ORACULAR UTTERANCES A S IF THEY WERE ... MY OWN . $ WHEN ONE CONSIDERS THE IMPOSITIONS , I 'M NOT SURPRISED YOU FAILED . $ REDUCING YOUR MAGNIFICENT STATURE BY DEMANDING THAT YOU APPE AR IN YOUR UNDRESS UNIFORM WAS SURELY INDICATIVE OF THE PROG RAMME TO COME . $ YOU SHOULD HAVE WALKED OUT . $ FORESEEN THE NAKED IMPERTINENCE . $ REFUSED TO COLLABORATE WITH THE INTERVIEWER . $ WHAT A BIZARRE ANIMAL . $ THAT SHORT-BODIED , LOBE-FOOTED GIRL , WHO POSSESSED THE CUR IOUS HABIT OF CRASHING HER THIGHS TOGETHER WHENEVER SHE HURL ED A STATISTIC . $ ECK ! $ ... IF ONLY YOU 'D KNOWN , MY DARLING . $ IF ONLY YOU HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT ... $ IT WAS TOO SAD ... $ TO SEE YOU - TO SEE THE FLOURISHES AND FLASHPOINTS OF YOUR A THENIAN SPLENDOUR REDUCED TO A RUBBLE BY THAT TELEVISION TRO LLOP'S REDUNDANT QUESTIONING ABOUT YOUR AGE . $ " WHEN ARE YOU RETIRING ? " OR " PERHAPS YOU 'RE TOO OLD FOR THE JOB " $ - DON'T THEY KNOW ! $ DON'T THEY REALISE THAT MEN ALWAYS LOOK OLDER THAN THEY DO O N FILM ! $ DON'T THEY KNOW THAT MOST WOMEN'S FACES ARE LIKE VENETIAN BL INDS . $ ONE SHARP TUG AND THEY CLOSE UP ! $ DON'T THESE FEMALES KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE LAWS OF REFRACTI ON ? $ ... THEY SHOULD ADOPT THE THEORY TO OTHER PARTS OF THEIR ANA TOMY - DISGUSTING CREATURES ! $ AS FOR THE TEEVEE CRITIC WHO CALLED YOU " A CAPRICIOUS BON-B ON " ... WE WILL DISLOCATE HIS CHANCES OF A HAPPY END . $ NEVER FEAR . $ SHAKESPAWN LIKE HIM , WHO RUN TO THE SUBURBS TO ESCAPE A VIO LENT DEATH , ARE MOST CERTAINLY IN FOR A SHOCK ! $ 10 SAR ! $ 09 DAMN ! $ 10 DETECTIVE SERGEANT SNOG , REPORTING FOR DUTY , SAR ! $ 09 TAKE A PEW , SERGEANT . $ 10 YES , SAR ! $ 09 SNOG , YOU 'RE AN INCOMPETENT . $ DO YOU KNOW THAT ? $ 10 SIR ? $ 09 A CHUMP . $ A FOOL . $ A MORON . $ AN IDIOT WITH THE IQ OF A YAK - $ 10 SIR I - $ 09 BE QUIET AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ! $ WELL , YAK , IT 'S BEEN A WEEK NOW , AND YOU 'VE GOT ABSOLUT ELY NOWHERE ! $ MEANWHILE A DANGEROUS ANIMAL HAS BEEN WANDERING ABROAD IN OU R CITY . $ COMPLETELY FREE TO DO WHATEVER HE LIKES . $ AT LIBERTY TO AVAIL HIMSELF OF THE ALLOWANCES WE MAKE TO OUR MORE DOMESTICATED CITIZENS . $ THANKS TO YOUR UNERRING CAPACITY FOR SNIFFING OUT THE FALSE TRAIL , BEERBOHM KILT IS OUT THERE REAPING OUR BENEFITS . $ USING OUR ROADS ; BUZZING OUR CROSSLIGHTS . $ LITTERING OUR DUAL CARRIAGEWAYS . $ ASKING THE WAY ; ASKING THE TIME . $ OUR WAY , SNOG . $ OUR TIME ! $ NOW THIS ANIMAL , THIS ANIMAL IS NOT A ... YAK , SNOG . $ HE IS SOMEWHAT MORE INVENTIVE THAN THAT HUMPED-BACK , GRUNTI NG CREATURE . $ CAPABLE , YOU SEE , OF GIVING INSULT TO A LOVING WIFE , YET STILL KEEPING A TIDY LINE IN CULTURAL SYMPATICO WITH CONSUME RS OF EXPENSIVE FOOD STUFFS . $ 10 SIR , I 'D JUST LIKE TO - $ 09 BE QUIET , DAMN YOU ! $ SNOG , I AM NOT , BY NATURE , A REVENGEFUL FELLOW . $ AS A BOY I WAS BOARDED , ON A GENEROUS STATE SCHOLARSHIP , A T A REPUTABLE PUBLIC SCHOOL WHERE I PLAYED FAG TO MANY A YOU NG MAN NOW ENJOYING MINISTERIAL STATUS . $ WERE I VINDICTIVE , I COULD HAVE EASILY OBTAINED A CONSIDERA BLE REPUTATION , AND FORTUNE , BY REMINDING THOSE GENTLEMEN OF THEIR ... ADOLESCENCE . $ AS IT IS , SNOG ; I CHOSE PUBLIC SERVICE . $ THE POLICE FORCE . $ WHERE GRATUITIES ARE NOT BESTOWED WITH SUCH POLITICAL DISTIN CTION . $ BUT , MY TIBETAN FRIEND , IF KILT ISN'T CHARGED WITHIN THE C OMING WEEK ; I SHALL REEK HAVOC , IS THAT CLEAR ? $ I SHALL AVENGE MYSELF FOR ALL THE HUMILIATION OF LAST NIGHT WITH THAT PHOSSY JAWED TELEVISION RABBLE . $ DO YOU UNDERSTAND ? $ 10 YES , SIR . $ 09 DO YOU UNDERSTAND , SNOG ! $ 10 YES SIR - YES SIR - $ 09 - I 'LL HAVE YOUR JOB - $ 10 - SIR - $ 09 - YOUR PENSION - $ 10 - SIR - $ 09 - YOUR HOUSE , YOUR CAR , TV LICENCE , FRONT LAWN , LITTL E WOMAN , BACK PORCH , PADDLING POOL , WATER SPRINKLER , BLA CK AND DECKER DRILL , PLASTIC GNOMES , BURMA STAR - AND I 'L L SEE YOU NEVER SET FOOT IN A NIGHT SECURITY ORGANISATION OR COME WITHIN A MILE OF PUBLISHING YOUR MEMOIRS , IS THAT PER FECTLY CLEAR ? $ 10 YES , SIR - RIGHT SIR - QUITE SIR ! $ #80 $ 09 YOU - ARE - A FOOL , SNOG . $ DID YOU KNOW THAT ? $ A YAKKISH OLD FOOL . $ AN INCOMPETENT . $ SPINNING IN A HIMALAYAN HIPPODROME OF MORANIC DESPAIR ... $ NOW - GET - OUT . $ 14 RIGHTY HO - $ 01 REVEREND , I DON'T THINK I 'M SUITABLE FOR EASTER SUNDAY VIEWING . $ 14 DON'T STOP , YOU 'RE IN REHEARSAL ! $ TINY , WHERE ARE WE IN THE SCRIPT ! $ 15 A POINT OF DIRECTION . $ 14 READ IT . $ 15 OH DEAR ... $ 14 READ IT ! $ 15 ' DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK . $ THE MYSTERY GUEST OF THE WEEK - ' $ 14 - YOU 'RE ON ! $ 01 OH . $ 15 ' HERE INSERT NAME OF GUEST ' - SHOULD I ? $ 14 WHAT ! $ 15 PUT IN MISTER KILT'S NAME ? $ 14 ARE YOU MAD ! $ 15 I ONLY THOUGHT - $ 14 THAT SCRIPT HAS TO GO BACK WITH THE CUTS MARKED . $ NOW , CARRY ON - CARRY ON - $ 15 ' THE MYSTERY GUEST - BLAH - BLAH IS SMUGGLED ON STAGE IN THE DARKNESS AND IS SEATED ON THE CHAIR MARKED - GUEST . ' $ 14 DO IT , MISTER KILT ! $ 01 WHERE 'S THE CHAIR ? $ 14 USE THE BED . $ 01 RIGHT . $ 14 TISH ! ... GOOD MAN . $ 01 IS THAT ALL ? $ 14 WE TALK - WHAT 'S THE INTERVIEW TIME ? $ 15 I 'M NOT SURE . $ 14 ABOUT ? $ 15 TEN MINUTES . $ 14 HMM . $ 01 AM I AT THE END OF YOUR SHOW ? $ 14 YOU 'RE THE STAR . $ 01 WHAT COMES BEFORE ME ? $ 14 I 'M DOING AN ECCE HOMO . $ 01 ON TELEVISION ! $ 14 YES . $ ECCE HOMO - IN JEANS . $ 01 THAT 'S INVARIABLY THE CASE . $ 14 A MODERN DRESS VERSION OF THE PASSION PLAY . $ WE 'LL HAVE TO CUT IT . $ 01 REVEREND , SURELY THAT 'LL ATTRACT ENOUGH PUBLICITY WITHO UT DRAGGING ME ON AS WELL . $ 14 PUBLICITY ! $ WHO NEEDS PUBLICITY ! $ I 'M DOING THIS OUT OF CHRISTIAN CHARITY ; SO AS YOU CAN PUT YOUR CASE OVER TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC . $ 01 I 'D MUCH RATHER NOT , SIR . $ NOW THAT THE POLICE HAVE FOUND OUT , I 'D RATHER GO TO SCOTL AND YARD . $ 14 THAT MIRACLE CAN GO FOR A START . $ 15 YES , DARLING . $ 01 BESIDES , I 'M NO GOOD AT TALKING . $ I LACK THE INGREDIENTS . $ I ONLY ACHIEVE A BIT OF CHARACTER WITH A SEEDBOX IN MY HAND . $ I 'M HELPLESS OTHERWISE . $ 14 WE 'LL GIVE YOU ONE - TO PLAY WITH - $ ... PUT YOUR PENCIL THROUGH THAT TOO . $ 15 DARLING ? $ 14 WELL , GO ON . $ 15 DARLING ? $ 14 WHAT ? $ 15 I KNOW YOU 'RE GOING TO HAVE A THUMPING GREAT ROW OVER TH IS BUT ... I AGREE WITH MISTER KILT . $ IT 'S NOT GOING TO WORK . $ 14 DON'T YOU START . $ I HAD ALL I COULD TAKE OF YOUR QUIBBLING AT LUNCHTIME . $ CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME ? $ 15 I KNOW - $ 14 - HAVE YOU NO THOUGHT FOR THE PROGRAMME ? $ 15 - OF COURSE - $ 14 - ARE YOU CONTENT TO SEE MY SHOW BELITTLED IN THE RATINGS BY PAGAN VARIETY THROUGH THE LACK OF A STAR TURN ? $ 15 WE 'VE GOT A STAR TURN - $ 14 - DON'T BE BLASPHEMOUS - $ 15 - BUT YOU MUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND OUR POSITION , DARLING . $ WE 'RE BREAKING THE LAW . $ MR KILT SHOULD BE HANDED OVER TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES THE MOMENT WE FOUND HIM ON THAT BENCH . $ INSTEAD OF WHICH , YOU 'VE HELD HIM CAPTIVE IN THAT BEDROOM . $ WE 'VE BEEN HARBOURING A CRIMINAL ALL WEEK ! $ 14 NOW YOU 'RE JUMPING THE GUN . $ A MAN IS INNOCENT UNTIL PROVED OTHERWISE . $ THAT 'S THE LAW OF THE LAND . $ 15 THE POLICE ARE LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR HIM , ANGUS ! $ 14 THEY CAN SEE HIM TOMORROW . $ 15 THE SHOW 'S TOMORROW ! $ 14 PRE-CISELY . $ 15 AND WE 'LL BE ARRESTED FOR HARBOURING A CRIMINAL ! $ 14 DON'T KEEP ON SAYING THAT ! $ 01 WHY NOT HIRE A POP-SINGER INSTEAD ? $ OR SOME OLD LAG WHO 'S BEEN IN PRISON ALL HIS LIFE ? $ 14 IT 'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A DECENT REPLACEMENT AT THIS HOU R . $ WE 'D HAVE TO FALL BACK ON A DEFUNCT POLITICIAN . $ 15 AT LEAST IT 'S BETTER THAN GETTING ARRESTED FOR HARBOURIN G A CRIMINAL . $ 01 IF I 'D KNOWN THE POLICE 'D FOUND KATHARINE , I WOULD NEV ER HAVE GOT SO TANGLED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE . $ I 'D GONE STRAIGHT TO THE POLICE STATION AND GOT BROKEN DOWN IN THE PROPER MANNER . $ 14 I KNOW , I KNOW , OLD BOY . $ BUT , AFTER TOMORROW'S SHOW , YOU 'LL WALK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF YOUR MILLENNIUM . $ JUST SEE IF YOU DON'T . $ 15 OH , YES ! $ AND WE 'LL BE ARRESTED FOR HARBOURING A CRIMINAL ! $ 14 WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT HARBOURING CRIMINALS ! $ 15 ANGUS , YOU DON'T KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS . $ WE 'LL GET TEN YEARS - WE 'RE BREAKING THE LAW , ANGUS ! $ 14 FOR GOD'S SAKE ! $ WE 'VE BEEN THROUGH ALL THIS BEFORE ! $ YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO WHAT THE PLAN IS ! $ 15 OF COURSE I DO ! $ YOU WERE GOING TO DROP HIM IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT IN LEATHERHE AD ! $ AFTER , WHAT YOU CALLED THIS ' CONVALESCENCE ' HERE WITH US . $ ARE WE TO ASSUME THAT YOU 'RE STILL GOING THROUGH WITH THIS PEA-BRAINED SCHEME ! $ 14 I CAN'T DROP HIM IN LEATHERHEAD . $ 15 INDEED ! $ AND WHY NOT ? $ 14 ... HE WOULDN'T GET BACK IN TIME FOR THE SHOW . $ LOOK : I SHALL SAY HE CALLED ME UP BEFORE WE WENT ON THE AIR , AND I INVITED HIM AROUND . $ 15 ALL VERY NEAT ! $ BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET POOR MR KILT PAST THE DOOR ? $ DON'T YOU REALISE THE MOMENT HE STEPS INTO THE STUDIO , HE ' LL BE SPOTTED BY SOME NEUROTIC COMMISSIONAIRE AND BROUGHT DO WN WITH A FLYING TACKLE ! $ 14 WELL EFFECT A DISGUISE , THEN . $ 15 DISGUISE ? $ FOR MISTER KILT ? $ 14 CERTAINLY . $ 15 WHAT SORT OF A DISGUISE ? $ 14 UM - A FALSE MOUSTACHE . $ 15 MY GOD - YOU MUST BE JOKING ! $ 14 YOU 'D HARDLY WEAR A FALSE MOUSTACHE IF YOU WERE SERIOUS . $ 15 I GIVE UP ! $ 14 YOU 'D GROW A REAL ONE , WOULDN'T YOU ? $ 15 THIS GRUESOME CAPER 'S GONE FAR ENOUGH FOR ME . $ YOU KNOW WHAT THEY 'LL SAY AT THE NOVELTY SHOP , DON'T YOU ? $ THEY 'LL SAY ' WHAT 'S A FALSE MOUSTACHE DOING AT THE VICARA GE ' THAT 'S WHAT THEY 'LL SAY AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT WE 'LL HAVE THE POLICE INVESTIGATING , AND THEN WHAT ! $ TEN YEARS THAT 'S WHAT ! $ FOR HARBOURING A CRIMINAL ! $ 14 I ... CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT . $ HER ATTITUDE . $ SHE 'S NEVER BEHAVED LIKE THIS BEFORE . $ NEVER . $ THE OLD KAFFIR 'S USUALLY VERY ACCOMMODATING . $ 01 IT 'S THE PROSPECT OF PRISON ... $ 14 THAT 'S JUST IT . $ SHE 'S USUALLY ATTRACTED TO THE IDEA . $ TINY 'S BEEN ON MANY A SIT-DOWN . $ TAKING ALONG HER OWN SPECIAL BRAND OF HUMOUR TO THE COURT PR OCEEDINGS . $ NO , IT GOES DEEPER THAN THAT ... $ JEALOUSLY PERHAPS - OH NOT JEALOUS OF YOU , I MEAN , NOT IN THAT SENSE BUT JEALOUS , MAYBE , OF ALL THE ATTENTION . $ #81 $ THE CONSUMING PASSION I GIVE TO MY TELEVISION CAREER . $ SHE SEEMS TO RESENT IT . $ THE OLD KAFFIR , IN HER BIG-HEARTED WAY , JUST DOESN'T UNDER STAND OUR LEAP-FROG DAYS ARE OVER . $ THAT 'S HOW WE MET , YOU KNOW . $ AT A SCOUT JAMBOREE PLAYING LEAP FROG ... SHE WAS IN A MOST UNGAINLY POSITION BUT ... I WAS ENTICED , PINNED A NUMBER ON MY VEST , STRADDLED IT AND BINGO ! $ 01 NICE . $ 14 IT MADE QUITE A SPLASH IN THE LOCAL RAG . $ 01 IT 'S NICE WHEN YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE , I S'POSE . $ 14 TINY WASN'T A MATTER OF CHOICE , MISTER KILT . $ SHE WAS THE FIRST GIRL I EVER KNEW . $ YOU SEE , I WAS BROUGHT UP IN SOUTH AFRICA . $ OUT ON THE VELDT . $ ONE DOESN'T GET THE OPPORTUNITY OUT ON THE VELDT . $ WHAT WITH ONE THING AND ANOTHER . $ MY FATHER WAS A FRUIT FARMER , AND WHENEVER MY PASSIONS BECA ME OVERTLY AROUSED , HE TRIED TO NEUTRALISE THE CRAVING WITH AN ICE-COLD BEER OR A LYNCHING . $ EVENTUALLY , HE PACKED ME OFF TO EUROPE FOR A HIGHER EDUCATI ON . $ I WAS SENT IN THE COMPANY OF A BANTU HOUSEBOY ; A NUBIFEROUS GENTLEMAN OF GREAT CHARM AND BUOYANCY WHO SAW TO ALL MY NEE DS . $ A REALLY SPLENDID CHAP ... $ WE LIVED IN THIS SINGLE ROOM . $ CLOSE TO THE ... DISTRICT LINE I THINK IT WAS . $ WHAT A CHARACTER ! $ I REMEMBER , ONCE , THE GREAT BIG ... $ HE LEFT . $ JUST WENT OUT ONE DAY AND NEVER CAME BACK . $ THE NEXT I HEARD HE HAD OPENED A STRING OF PETROL STATIONS . $ DAD HAD BEEN SENDING MONEY ... $ I WENT TO PIECES . $ JOINED THE CHURCH AND - EVEN WORSE - BECAME A SCOUTMASTER . $ THAT 'S WHERE I MET HER . $ AT THIS BLOODY JAMBOREE . $ WE KNOCKED AROUND A BIT . $ I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO GET ESTABLISHED : THE ODD BIG-BUGS F UNERAL , THAT SORT OF THING . $ MARRIAGE NEVER ENTERED MY HEAD ... $ THEN THIS SEXTON CAME ALONG . $ GAVE ME SOME ADVICE . $ ' IF YOU WANT A HEALTHY PARISH , MY LAD , ' HE SAID , ' GET MARRIED . $ YOU PROCURE A BIGGER CHOIR IF YOU ARE . ' $ HOW RIGHT HE WAS ! $ SOON AFTERWARDS , EVERYTHING BEGAN TO FIT INTO PLACE . $ I GOT THIS TV SHOW , AND CAME TO THE FORMIDABLE CONCLUSION T HAT THE KEY TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN LAY , NOT IN THE SCRIPT URES , BUT IN BOX THIRTEEN - ON TAKE YOUR PICK ! $ 01 I 'M NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT MY ROLE IN THIS SHOW OF YOURS . $ 14 NATURALLY NOT , MR KILT . $ IT WOULDN'T BE GOOD FORM FOR A MAN ON THE RUN TO APPEAR EXCI TED BY THE PROSPECTS OF RECAPTURE . $ BUT , OF ME - AAAAHHHH ... $ 01 I DON'T THINK I 'LL BE ABLE TO EFFECT A DISGUISE , REVERE ND . $ NOT SUCCESSFUL ANY RATE - $ 14 - NEVER MIND THAT JUST NOW - $ 01 - IT 'S NOT MY METIER - $ 14 - YOU LEAVE ALL THE DETAILS TO ME . $ NOW - CLOTHES . $ 01 AM I PERFORMING IN COSTUME ? $ 14 I 'M SURE YOU 'D LOOK VERY NEAT IN A NAUTICAL CAP BUT IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR THE PROGRAMME . $ NO , WHAT WE 'RE GOING TO DO IS FIND YOU A SUIT . $ SOMETHING SHARP . $ IT 'LL HELP YOUR IMAGE . $ SHALL WE GO UP TO THE BOX ROOM AND RUMMAGE ABOUT ? $ 06 I SUPPOSE YOU 'VE BEEN COUPLING . $ 07 I 'M WATCHING TELLY . $ 06 WHAT 'S BECOME OF YOUR DOXY ? $ 07 SHE HASN'T ... BEEN AROUND . $ 06 FANCY ... $ 07 WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE , ANYWAY ? $ WHY 'RE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT ? $ 06 I 'M TRYING TO PRESERVE MY SANITY FROM ALL THOSE MORBIDS WHO KEEP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR ASKING TO VIEW THE SCENE OF TH E CRIME . $ I PICKED UP SOME OF HER OLD RELICS FOR EXTRA PROTECTION . $ 07 ... THEY 'LL BE NABBING HIM , ANY DAY NOW . $ 06 YES DEAR . $ AND IT 'S HARD CHEESE . $ IF ONLY MR KILT HAD GIVEN ME WIND OF HIS INTENTIONS , WE MIG HT HAVE COME TO SOME ARRANGEMENT . $ 07 THEY 'LL HAVE HIM BEFORE THE NIGHT 'S OUT . $ THAT SNOG BLOKE MEANT BUSINESS . $ 06 YES , I 'M AFRAID YOU 'RE RIGHT , DEAR . $ IT 'S HARD CHEESE . $ 07 ... MU - UM ? $ 06 WHAT , DEAR ? $ 07 I 'VE BEEN THINKING ... THESE PEOPLE . $ THE ONE'S WHO COME TO THE DOOR . $ I 'VE BEEN THINKING ... COULDN'T WE CHARGE THEM ? $ 06 WHAT , TO SEE THE ROOM ? $ 07 EXACTLY ! $ TWO BOB A NOB - $ PAY AT THE DOOR - PHOTOGRAPHS EXTRA - $ TEA AND CAKES ON THE SIDE - $ 06 - WHERE ... WHERE WOULD YOUR DOXY FIT INTO THIS ? $ 07 LINDA ? $ SHE 'D COLLECT ... THE MONEY ? $ 06 LANCE , DEAR . $ IF I AM GOING TO EMBRACE THE BASIC STRUCTURE OF A CAPITALIST SOCIETY BY GIVING THE PUBLIC WHAT IT WANTS ; I WOULD VERY M UCH LIKE , ALSO , TO ENFOLD THE FUNDIMENTS OF ITS ECONOMICS WHICH IS TO SPLIT THE TAKE DOWN THE MIDDLE . $ 07 YOU MEAN - $ 06 - EVENS STEVENS . $ 07 JUST YOU AN' ME ? $ 06 A THIRD PARTY WOULD CALL FOR MESSY BOOK-KEEPING , DEAR . $ BESIDES , SHE 'D HAVE TO GIVE UP HER JOB IN INSURANCE . $ WE 'D BE OBLIGED TO STAMP HER CARD . $ OUR PREMIUMS WOULD BE AT STAKE . $ 07 ... I S'POSE YOU 'RE RIGHT . $ 06 OF COURSE I AM DEAR ! $ I THINK WE SHOULD ELIMINATE ANY THIRD PARTY RISK FROM NOW ON . $ ESPECIALLY AS WE 'RE TO BECOME CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY . $ INDEED , NOW THAT WE ARE EMBARKING ON A BUSINESS RELATIONSHI P , I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY YOU AND THAT GIRL WERE IN THIS ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE ? $ 07 WE WERE DISCUSSING A COMPREHENSIVE POLICY . $ 06 I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS PANTHEISM ? $ 06 SAME THING . $ 15 YOU 'VE SUCH A TRIM LITTLE BODY , MISTER KILT . $ WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HELP YOU GET INTO YOUR CUFFLINKS ? $ 01 ... THANK YOU . $ 15 WELL . $ NOW IS THE HOUR ... ? $ 01 YES , MISS . $ 15 IT MUST BE A RELIEF , THOUGH ; KNOWING YOU 'RE GOING TO B E COPPED . $ MOST CRIMINALS ANTICIPATE OTHERWISE . $ 01 I COULD DO WITH A REST FROM FREEDOM . $ 15 I KNOW , IT CAN BE VERY NERVE-RACKING . $ ARE YOU NERVOUS , MISTER KILT ? $ ABOUT THE OUTCOME ? $ 01 YES . $ I AM . $ 15 I 'M TERRIFIED . $ YOU KNOW , I 'VE NEVER MET A MAN WHO , ACTUALLY HAD UM ... W ELL , NATURALLY , THE WAR . $ DADDY 'S DSO . $ BUT ... THAT 'S NOT THE SAME , SOMEHOW . $ THE WAR . $ IT 'S TOO - SHALL WE SAY - MECHANICAL ? $ I 'M WHOLLY FASCINATED , MR KILT ... $ 01 THE ER REVEREND 'S A LONG TIME GETTING BACK ? $ 15 AWFUL WORD . $ 01 WHAT , MISS ? $ 15 MECHANICAL . $ 01 YES , MISS . $ 15 GHASTLY . $ 01 I WONDER WHAT 'S KEEPING HIM ? $ 15 ANGUS , WON'T BE LONG . $ HE 'S JUST POPPED DOWN TO THE NOVELTY SHOP TO GET A MOUSTACH E ... MISTER KILT ? $ 01 HMMM ? $ 15 I SUPPOSE IT FITS THE PATTERN OF A WOMAN TO BE ... FASCIN ATED BY , YOU KNOW - $ 01 - I S'POSE IT DOES . * 15 IT IS , AFTER ALL , HELD BY SOME TO BE THE MOST POWERFUL ACT OF THE MASTERLY MALE . $ YOU KNOW , UNLIKE THE OTHER ANIMALS WHO JUST ... KILL TO SUR VIVE . $ 01 I WOULDN'T AGREE WITH THEM MYSELF . $ I MEAN , JUST BECAUSE YOU DO ALL THE WORK , OR CARRY OUT THE DEED , DOESN'T NECESSARILY MAKE YOU DOMINANT DOES IT ? $ 15 REALLY ? $ HOW INTERESTING ! $ HOW TERRIBLY INTERESTING . $ #82 $ I 'D BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOUR VIEWS ON THAT SUBJECT BUT I NE VER GOT THE CHANCE . $ ANGUS SEEMS TO HAVE STOLEN ALL YOUR TIME WITH US . $ CRADLED YOUR CONVERSATION . $ I SUSPECT YOU EVEN HAD NICE THUMPING GREAT CHATS IN YOUR BED S AT NIGHT ... DID YOU ? $ 01 WE DISCUSSED MANY ... A PROPOSITION . $ 15 I THOUGHT I HEARD FUN LITTLE CONFERENCES AS I LAY ON MY O WN IN MY KNAP SACK . $ 01 YES , I 'M SORRY ABOUT THAT . $ I HOPE IT WASN'T UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU ? $ 15 HELL , MR KILT . $ I DIDN'T MIND THAT ! $ I 'VE BEEN A BROWN OWL FOR YEARS ! $ 01 THAT 'S ALRIGHT THEN ... $ 15 ... HMM ? $ 01 I SAID , THAT 'S GOOD . $ I WORRIED ABOUT YOU LYING OUT THERE ON THOSE TILES . $ 15 ... DID YOU REALLY , WORRY ? $ 01 I DIDN'T MUCH GO FOR THE THOUGHT OF YOU SLEEPING ON COLD CANVAS . $ 15 OH , MR KILT ! $ THAT 'S JOLLY DECENT OF YOU . $ ANGUS NEVER WORRIES . $ HE DOESN'T GIVE A JOT . $ ESPECIALLY SINCE HE BECAME A SUCCESS ON TEEVEE . $ HE COULDN'T CARE LESS IF I SLEPT UP THE NORTH POLE . $ THE THOUGHT OF MY BEING RAVAGED BY A POLAR BEAR WOULDN'T CUT ANY ICE WITH HIM . $ NOT NOW . $ NOT ANYMORE . $ HE JUST USES ME . $ THINKS I 'M SOME OLD KAFFIR , COMING IN TO DUST THE CHAIRS . $ BUT YOU , MR KILT , YOU 'RE DIFFERENT . $ EVEN WITH THE NATION BAYING AT YOUR HEELS , YOU CARED ENOUGH TO SAVE A CORNER OF YOUR CONSCIENCE FOR MY SLEEPING ACCOMMO DATION . $ O-OH , MR KILT , I 'M SO-O FASCINATED - $ 01 - MISS - I 'M NERVOUS ENOUGH AS IT IS ! $ 15 ARE YOU ? $ ARE YOU REALLY ? $ IS YOUR MOUTH DRY WITH EXCITEMENT ? $ YOUR TONGUE COATED ? $ EARS TWITCHING - EYES SMARTING ? $ KNEES KNOCKING ? $ HEART A PULSATING BLADDER OF DESIRE - IS IT ? $ IS IT BEATING FAST MR KILT - LET ME FEEL IT - LET ME - $ 14 I FOUND ONE , OLD BOY ! $ 01 HERE 'S THE REVEREND - $ 15 ACCOMPANIED BY A MOUSTACHE , NO DOUBT . $ 14 I FOUND ONE . $ NOVELTY SHOP . $ BLACK . $ THAT DO ? $ YOU 'D BETTER SLIP INTO IT , NOW . $ WE HAVEN'T MUCH TIME . $ BEEN DUSTING THE CHAIRS , DARLING ? $ 15 I 'VE PACKED YOUR OVERNIGHT GRIP FOR BIRMINGHAM . $ IT 'S IN THE HALL . $ 14 YOU 'LL NEED ADHESIVE FOR THAT , MISTER KILT . $ GLUE . $ FOR THE MOUSTACHE . $ WHERE 'S THE SCRIPT WITH THE CUTS ? $ TA . $ YOU 'LL FIND SOME GLUE IN THE DESK DRAWER . $ HURRY THOUGH . $ WE 'VE A LONG DRIVE AHEAD OF US ! $ 01 WHAT DRIVE ? $ 15 THE SILLY SHOW IS TRANSMITTED FROM BIRMINGHAM . $ IT 'S A PLOY LONDON BUSINESSMEN USE TO GET THEIR HANDS ON AN AREA FRANCHISE . $ 14 MR KILT ! $ 01 ... THIS IS WHERE WE SAY ' GOODBYE ' . $ 15 YES ... $ AND YOU NEVER GOT ROUND TO THE GARDEN , AFTER ALL . $ 01 PERHAPS ... $ 14 YOU READY , OLD BOY ! $ 01 COMING ! $ ... GOODBYE , MISS . $ I 'M SORRY WE HAD TO MEET UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES . $ I WISH I COULD SAY WE 'LL MEET AGAIN ... $ AT A SCOUT JAMBOREE ... $ OR A GANG SHOW ... $ WITH PLENTY OF TIME . $ 15 NOW , I SHALL CRY . $ 01 GOODBYE MISS . $ 15 I 'LL VISIT YOU , MR KILT ! $ I 'LL PROTECT YOU FROM THE BRING-BACK-FLOGGING BRIGADE ! $ AND , MR KILT - ? $ - IF ANYONE OFFERS YOU SOUTH AFRICAN SHERRY TONIGHT ; DON'T ACCEPT IT ! $ 12 PEGGY , WHERE ARE Y' GOING ? $ 13 PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE ME . $ 12 ARE YE OFF SOMEWHERE ? $ 13 MY MOTHER'S - SSHH . $ 12 YOUR MITHER'S ! $ 13 I 'M GOING TO WATCH THE TELLY . $ 12 TELLY ! $ OH , PEGGY YOU CAN'T . $ 13 - WHISHT - $ 12 - WE 'VE A SERVICE COMING UP . $ 13 I WANT TO WATCH THE RELIGIOUS PROGRAMME . $ 12 ' GETTING WITH GOD ' ? $ 13 THE REVEREND ANGUS CRUISE-ORB . $ $ 12 O-OOH-AYE ! $ 13 WANT TO WATCH ? $ 12 I 'D LOVE TO , PEGGY . $ 13 COME-ON THEN ! $ 12 BUT WE 'LL HAVE TO CONFESS TO CAPTAIN ? $ 13 WELL CONFESS TOMORROW . $ 12 GUD IDEA ! $ O , I DO SO LOVE THE REVEREND ANGUS CRUISE-ORB , HE 'S SO , SO - NON-DENOMINATIONAL ! $ 06 IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR SANI-FLUSH YOU 'LL GET CONSTIPATED . $ 07 MUM ! $ 06 I SHALL HAVE TO FORCE FEED YOU , SHAN'T I ? $ EH ? $ 07 MUM ? $ 06 O DEAR , I DO HOPE YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO PESTER ME TO WATC H TELEVISION NEWS . $ 07 NEWS IS BEEN . $ 06 I 'M AFRAID MY LITTLE BUDGIE NEEDS SOME COSTIVE SODA . $ 07 AREN'T YOU COMING DOWN TO WATCH TELLY ? $ 06 NO , DEAR . $ I 'D MUCH SOONER LISTEN TO A NICE BRASS BAND . $ 07 WE 'VE GOT A RELIGIOUS PROGRAMME ON NOW . $ 06 WELL , THAT 'S A SUITABLE ARRANGEMENT FOR A SUNDAY . $ THE LORD'S DAY OBSERVANCE SOCIETY WILL BE PLEASED . $ 07 THEY 'RE DOING A PASSION PLAY IN MODERN DRESS . $ 06 WHATEVER FOR , DEAR ? $ 07 GIVES IT MORE PASSION , I S'POSE ... YOU COMING DOWN ? $ 06 I 'M SORRY , DEAR . $ I 'VE GOT TO FORCE FEED MY LITTLE CHICKABIDDY WITH COSTICE S ODA 'TIL HE MAKES A NUMBER-TWO . $ YOU RUN ALONG , THOUGH . $ DON'T MIND ME . $ 07 THERE WAS A TIME WHEN YOU WOULDN'T LET ME OUT OF YOUR SIG HT . $ 06 TOO TRUE , DEAR . $ BUT THAT WAS BEFORE YOU BROUGHT THAT LINDA BACK , AND THE BI RD DEVELOPED CONSTIPATION . $ BESIDES I FEEL QUITE RESIGNED TO BEING TRANSISTED , DON'T YO U ? $ 07 OHHH - WHY DO I BOTHER ! $ 14 THANK YOU ... $ THANK YOU ... $ PLEASE ] $ BLESS YOU , THANK YOU . $ WELCOME BACK TO GETTING WITH GOD ! $ WE HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED OUR PASSION PLAY IN MODERN DRESS - $ WHICH , INCIDENTALLY , WAS PERFORMED BY THE CORPS DE BALLET OF THE EARS , NOSE , AND THROAT HOSPITAL IN WOOLWICH . $ NOW ... $ AND NOW , TO OUR GUEST OF THE WEEK . $ CONSIDER THIS MAN . $ CONSIDER HIM , COUCHED IN A ROW OF SIMILARITIES . $ WHERE THE MIGHTY YAWN AND THE YUM-YUM BREAKFAST START A DAY OF FIVE FOOT TWO EYES O' BLUE ON A TRANSPORT OF DELIGHT CALL ED - LIVING . $ #83 $ CONSIDER THE ACTIONS : SHOULDER TO THE WHEEL ; NOSE TO THE G RINDSTONE ; EYES ON THE JOB ; GAME TO THE BACKBONE ; HAND TO THE PLOUGH ; PUTTING HIS FINGER IN THE PIE WE IRONICALLY CA LL - ADVENTURE . $ CONSIDER THEN , A MAN OF THE CROWD ... $ ONE OF THE GREAT WHO 'S HE ... $ SUITABLY TYPICAL , TYPICALLY SUITABLE IN THE WAR OF TECHNOCR ATIC BLAH FOR THE USE THEREOF ... $ OUR GUEST THEN , IS OBVIOUSLY NOT THE KIND OF PERSON USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE PROGRAMME . $ BUT HE IS , NEVERTHELESS , A CELEBRATED FIGURE . $ ONE WHO HAS PUNCTUATED THE HEADLINES , INSPIRED INDIGNATION IN THE SUBURBS , AND BRUISED OUR MORAL VALUES . $ YET , WHEN YOU CONSIDER THIS MAN , YOU MUST ALSO CONSIDER YO URSELVES . $ FOR , LIKE YOU , LIKE ME , HE HAS DESTROYED . $ HE HAS STAMPED OUT THE LITTLE IRRITATION ; THE BIG DIFFERENC E . $ THE ERROR THIS MAN HAS MADE IS ... HE HAS DONE IT AT A TIME OF SO CALLED PEACE AND THAT HE DESTROYED - PASSIONATELY . $ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN . $ CONSIDER BEERBOHM ANTHONY KILT ! $ 07 MUM - GUESS WHO THEY 'VE GOT ON TELLY ! $ 06 A POLITICAL PERSONAGE , I SHOULDN'T WONDER - $ 07 - NO - NO ! $ ON THE RELIGIOUS PROGRAMME ! $ GUESS . $ 06 I HOPE YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO RECITE A BLASPHEMOUS JOKE , D EAR . $ THAT WAS ONE OF YOUR FATHER'S TRAITS . $ 07 KILT ! $ 06 MISTER KILT ! $ 07 COME AN' SEE ! $ 01 IT IS TRUE THAT I BEERBOHM ANTHONY KILT DID TO DEATH ONE SWEET MOLLY MALONE WHO WHEELED HER WHEEL BARRER OVER MY CHES T BROAD AND NARRER UNTIL I COULDN'T STAND THE SUFFOCATION WA S SOMETHING AWFUL ALSO IT IS TRUE THAT AS TIMOTHY EVANS I CO ULDN'T READ OR WRITE AND HAD NASTY ATTACKS OF ILLITERACY UNT IL A PAL INTRODUCED ME TO A COURSE OF BRITISH JUSTICE WHERE TO MY AMAZEMENT I SAT DOWN AND MADE OUT A WRITTEN CONFESSION IT IS TRUE BEFORE THEY BROKE MY NECK ISN'T LIFE WONDERFUL M OREOVER IT IS TRUE THAT WHEN POSING AS HARRY S D' YOU WANT T ' SPEAK WITH MARGARET TRUEMAN I ORDERED THE DESTRUCTION OF H IROSHIMA AND NAGASAKI TWO OLD MAIDS IN A BUCKET OF BLOOD SHO UTING GIVE US BACK OUR LAND THIEVING BASTARDS IT IS TRUE O Y ES TALKING OF FOREIGN BODIES IT IS TRUE THAT DISGUISED AS YO UR LOVABLE FRIEND THE FARMER I AWOKE ONE GUTEN MORGEN TO FIN D LARGE NUMBERS OF CORPSES OF BIRDS AND MAMMALS IN MY FIELDS AFTER THEY HAD BEEN SPRAYED WITH ORGANO PHOSPHOROUS CHEMICA LS AND OTHER ARSENICAL COMPOUNDS IT IS TRUE IT 'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CALCULATE THE NUMBER OF HUMANS WHO SUFFER FROM THE SAME FATE AS A THANKS TO MODERN IN METHODS IN DISTRIBUTION ETCET ERA ETCETERA JUST AS WELL SEZ I AND SOD YOU I BET FURTHERMOR E IT IS TRUE THAT DISGUISED AS THE THIRD REICH I WORKED UNDE R THE GREAT I AM IN A PROGRAMME EMBRACING SOME SIX MILLION J EWISH BOYS AND GIRLS IN AUSCHWITZ MAUTHAUSEN WAS IT AND YES OTHER SEPULCHRES SCATTERED ABOUT WHILE I 'M IN THAT PART OF THE WORLD LET ME MENTION DRESDEN WHICH IT IS TRUE WAS FILLED WITH HALF A MILLION REFUGEES WHEN BRITISH AND AMERICAN BOMB ERS OPENED UP AND WHAM BAM A HUNDRED AND THIRTY THOUSAND PEO PLE LOST THEIR LIVES MORE THAN WHAT DID IN HIRO AND NAGI AH WELL THAT 'S THE STORY SO FAR NOW READ ON - $ T 'S THE STORY SO FAR NOW READ ON - $ 14 YIPPEE ! $ 15 WHAT 'S THE MATTER - WHAT 'S COME OVER YOU ! $ 14 GUESS WHAT 'S HAPPENED ? $ 15 YOU 'RE FIRED ? $ 14 NO ! $ - GUESS AGAIN ! $ 15 I CAN'T . $ 14 - MARVELLOUS ! $ 15 YOU KNOW I 'M ROTTEN AT GAMES . $ 14 I 'VE BEEN TALKING TO THE PROGRAMME CONTROLLER . $ 15 - OH DEAR - $ 14 THEY WANT ME TO GO UP TO BIRMINGHAM AND SUPERVISE A TEEVE E PRODUCTION OF MY ROCK MASS ' PLAIN CHANT AND MOANING ' FOR A EUROPEAN LINK-UP TO SEVENTEEN COUNTRIES . $ WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT ! $ WELL - AREN'T YOU PLEASED ! $ 15 WHAT ABOUT LAST NIGHT ? $ 14 O-OH THAT . $ $ WELL ... HE WAS , HE ADMITTED , A BIT PUT OUT AT FIRST . $ BUT WHEN HE SAW THE PUBLICITY IN THE MORNING PAPERS HE SAID HE FELT THE LITTLE UPSET WAS JUSTIFIED . $ 15 OH ... $ 14 AS HE SAID HIMSELF : THERE ARE MORE WAYS THAN ONE OF SPRE ADING THE WORD . $ AND WITHOUT IT , HE WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIX THIS E UROPEAN DEAL . $ 15 YES ... I SUPPOSE SO . $ 14 WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $ 15 NOTHING . $ 14 YOU DON'T SOUND TOO HAPPY . $ 15 I THINK IT 'S WONDERFUL ... $ FOR YOU . $ 14 SO DO I . $ SMASHING . $ IN THE SWIM AGAIN . $ UP TO BIRMINGHAM O YES . $ 15 SHH . $ THE BAKER 'LL BE HERE ANY MOMENT AND WHAT 'LL HE THINK OF YO U ? $ 14 I SAID OLD KILT WOULD DO THE TRICK DIDN'T I ? $ 15 DON'T YOU THINK YOU 'VE MADE A BIG ENOUGH FOOL OF YOURSEL F ALREADY ? $ WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOUR CLOTH . $ 14 YES . $ YOU 'RE RIGHT . $ YOU 'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT . $ MAYBE ALL THIS TELEVISION LARK ISN'T GOOD . $ LEAST NOT FOR A PADRE THAT IS . $ MONEY , ROYALTY FEES , THAT SORT OF THING ... $ AS A MATTER OF FACT ; I SAID TO THE PROGRAMME CONTROLLER - J UST NOW . $ I SAID ' MAN CANNOT LIVE BY BREAD ALONE ' I SAID ' AND A CLE RGYMAN MUST BE GUIDED BY GOD IN ALL THINGS ' . $ ' HE MUST GET A CALL ' , I SAID . $ OH , I TOLD HIM , DON'T WORRY . $ I MADE HIM REMEMBER MY CLOTH . $ I SAID TO HIM , I SAID ' DON'T EXPECT ME TO GIVE YOU A DEFIN ITE ANSWER ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW , BECAUSE I CAN'T . ' $ HE UNDERSTOOD ALRIGHT . $ I GAVE IT TO HIM . $ STRAIGHT , AS THEY SAY . $ HE REPLIED ' WELL YOU RUN ALONG AND GET YOUR CALL , THEN CAT CH THE NEXT TRAIN TO BIRMINGHAM ' ... $ HE WAS VERY DECENT ABOUT IT . $ VERY DECENT . $ I 'M , I 'M GOING INTO THE STUDY . $ TO ASK GOD IF HE NEEDS ME ON TELEVISION . $ I 'LL GIVE YOU A SHOUT IF YOU HAVE TO PACK MY OVERNIGHT GRIP ... $ HE MAY SAY ' NO ' OF COURSE . $ 12 PEGGY , YOU 'LL NEVER GUESS - THEY 'VE JUST MADE ME A SER GEANT ! $ 13 AND ME - LOOK ! $ 12 O , MY ! $ 13 AND I 'M TOURING THE MISSIONS - $ 12 - ME TOO - $ 13 - GIVING A TALK ON YOU KNOW WHO . $ 12 GET AWAY ! $ 13 YOU TOO ? $ 12 I 'M GOING UP NORTH . $ 13 IT 'S SOUTH FOR ME . $ 12 WITH THE OPTION OF AMERICA . $ 13 CANADA ! $ 12 I CANNA WAIT ! $ 13 I 'M SO KEYED UP . $ 12 SO 'M I - $ JUST THINK - $ NO MORE BASHING THE TAMBOURINE . $ 13 FLITTING OLD MEN WITH DDT . $ 12 COMBING THE STREETS FOR BOTTLES WORTH TUPPENCE . $ 13 SELLING THE ' WAR CRY ' TO SLEEPY NEW TOWNSHIPS . $ 12 WITH THEIR UPSET STOMACHS . $ 13 TIRED BLOOD . $ 12 NERVOUS TENSION . $ 13 STUFFED UP FEELINGS ! $ 12 WE 'RE RID OF ALL THAT ! $ 13 WITH THE STORY WE 'VE GOT - $ 12 - THEY 'LL COME RUNNING BACK TO THE FOLD ! $ 13 O - NOW I KNOW WHY JESUS WANTS ME FOR A SUNBEAM ! $ #84 $ 03 MISTER PONDEROSA - $ WAIT ] $ LOOK , MISTER PONDEROSA - $ MORE TELEGRAMS ] $ 04 SATIRISTS . $ 03 THEM DESPATCH RIDERS SURE ARE BURNIN' UP THE FUEL TO CATC H ME UNAWARES WITH MORE INVITATIONS TO THE HAPPEH VALLEH OF ACCEPTANCE . $ SEEMS SINCE AH MADE MAH DEBUT ON TELEVISION AN' ANNOUNCED MA H INTENTION OF TELLIN' ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE HOW TO EXPOSE SIN WITHOUT BELIEVIN' IN IT , AH 'VE BIN HEAVY LADEN WITH CALLS ON MAH CHRISTIAN SCIENCE SERVICE STATION . $ 04 THEY 'RE ALL FROM SATIRISTS . $ CAN'T YOU GET IT INTO YOUR DUMB BRAIN THAT THOSE THERE TELEG RAMS ARE FROM A BUNCH OF FELLERS OUT FOR A LAUGH ! $ 03 YOUR SINEWS ARE CROOKED . $ MISTER PONDEROSA - WHAH ANEH BODEH CAN SEE THESE COMMUNICATI ONS ARE GENU-INE INQUIRIES INTO THE DIVINE MIND . $ 04 I THINK WE OUGHT TO IGNORE THEM . $ 03 WHATEVER FORAH ! $ 04 CONTINUE AS WE ARE . $ 03 AND RISK NOT RECAPTURIN' MAH LATE BEREAVED HUSBAND'S GOOD NAME ! $ NO SIR ! $ 04 IT WAS THAT KILT JERK WHO STARTED ALL THIS . $ IF I COULD GET MY HANDS ON THAT SCHMUCK ... $ 03 MAH GOODNESS , MISTER PONDEROSA YOU 'RE A WILD YOUNG MAN ! $ DON'T YOU REALISE : IF IT HADN'T BEEN FORAH MR KILT WE 'D ST ILL BE ROLLIN' IN TOTAL ABSCURITEH ? $ 04 THAT 'S JUST WHAT I DO MEAN . $ I THINK WE OUGHT TO CONTINUE AS - WE - ARE . $ 03 SAY - HERE 'S AN INQUIRY FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE MASSAC HUSETTS METAPHYSICAL COLLEGE - HOW ABOUT THAT MISTER PONDERO SA ! $ 04 RIGHT ON THE BUTTON , DAISIE GAL . $ 03 STRAIGHTEN YOUR SINEWS MISTER PONDEROSA - $ PICK YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOT STRAPS - $ IT 'S MASSACHUSETTS HERE WE COME ! $ 09 SHORTLY , MY DEAR , YOU ARE MOVING ON . $ YOU HAVE SOLVED YOUR LAST CRIME , ISSUED YOUR LAST WARRANT , AND UTTERED YOUR FINAL WORD TO THE LADIES OF THE PRESS . $ THEY SCRATCHED AWAY IN EMOTIONAL SHORTHAND AND WERE GONE , L EAVING YOU NO LONGER A POOL OF CURIOSITY . $ SOON YOU 'LL BE FORGOTTEN : AN AIMLESS OLD PENSIONER WITH PL ENTY OF LEISURE TIME IN WHICH TO DISGRACE YOURSELF . $ THE TASSELS , THE LACE , THE DOESKIN BREECHES , WILL PASS TO A YOUNGER MAN . $ AND YOUR FINE WHITE CHARGER ' TRIGGER ' WILL BE SOLD TO SOME FIRM FOR CATFOOD . $ I , OF COURSE , WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO GATHER UP THE REMNAN TS OF YOUR SELF-RESPECT . $ IF NOT AS YOUR POMONA , THEN AT LEAST AS A KIND OF ... RHETO RICAL SPY . $ 10 DETECTIVE SERGEANT SNOG REPORTING FOR DUTY , SAR ! $ 09 TAKE A PEW , SERGEANT . $ 10 YES SAR ! $ 09 SNOG . $ I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR MAGNIFICENT ACHIEVEMENT I N CATCHING KILT . $ 10 THANK YOU , SIR ! $ 09 I DIDN'T SEE THE SHOW MYSELF , BUT I 'M TOLD YOU PERFORME D WITH IMMENSE COURAGE WHEN , IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWER S , YOU CAME FACE-TO-FACE WITH YOUR ADVERSARY AND GRAPPLED W ITH HIM ON THE AIR . $ WONDERFUL , RECRUITING STUFF , SNOG , WONDERFUL . $ 10 GRAPPLED , SIR ? $ 09 YES . $ YOU DID GRAPPLE , DIDN'T YOU ? $ 10 I KNOCKED HIS TEETH IN , SIR . $ 09 I SEE ... $ #85 $ BUT YOU USED A WRISTLOCK ON HIM , THOUGH ? $ 10 WHAT SORT OF A WRISTLOCK DO YOU HAVE IN MIND , SIR ? $ 09 A DOUBLE-ARMED WRISTLOCK , NATURALLY . $ 10 NOOOOO ... NO , SIR . $ I STUCK MY FINGERS IN HIS EYES , INSTEAD . $ 09 WHAT ABOUT AN IRISH WHIP ? $ DID YOU GIVE HIM ONE OF THOSE ? $ 10 NO , SIR . $ 09 NOT EVEN AN IRISH WHIP ? $ 10 'FRAID NOT , SIR . $ 09 HMMMMMMM ... $ 10 IT 'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE , SINCE THE TROUBLES , THEY 'RE INCLINED TO REBOUND . $ 09 IRISH WHIPS ? $ 10 THEY LASH BACK , SIR . $ 09 WELL , SNOG . $ THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT IS : YOU HUNTED DOWN A WILD ANI MAL , PUT HIM AT BAY , WENT IN SHOWING GREAT FORTITUDE AND M ALICE , AND ARRESTED THE BLIGHTER WITHOUT HAVING TO USE AN I RISH WHIP OR A DOUBLE-ARMED WRISTLOCK . $ FOR THIS , I AM COMMENDING YOU TO HER MAJESTY FOR THE GEORGE MEDAL IN THE NEW YEAR'S HONOURS LIST . $ I , MYSELF , AM GIVING YOU SIX MONTHS FREE SUPPLY OF TRIGGER FOR YOUR CAT . $ CONGRATULATIONS AND BON APETIT ! $ 01 CANON CUSHION ! $ WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING DRESSED LIKE THAT ! $ 16 ISN'T IT AWFUL ! $ AND THE UNDERWEAR IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT IS EVEN WORSE ! $ JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU 'RE SENTENCED - $ 17 - NO TALKING IN THE CELLS ! $ 16 THAT SCREW 'S GLASGOW-IRISH . $ $ NOT A NICE TYPE . $ HERE , I 'VE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO GIVE YOU THIS . $ HOW 'S YOUR EYES , ANY BETTER ? $ I HEAR YOU STILL HAVE TROUBLE WITH SMALLPRINT . $ 01 I WAS IN A BIT OF A FIGHT ... $ 05 I 'LL READ IT , THEN YOU CAN SETTLE BACK AND I 'LL TELL Y OU ALL MY TROUBLES . $ RIGHT ! $ THE POSTCARD SAYS ... NOW WHERE ARE WE ... $ ' DEAR MR KILT , SO SORRY I CAN'T VISIT YOU AT THE MOMENT - ANGUS IS FLOODED WITH CALLS ON HIS TIME AND I HAVE TO ACT AS CHIEF SLAVE AND BOTTLEWASHER . $ I HAVE , HOWEVER , PUT YOUR NAME FORWARD TO VARIOUS SOCIETIE S WHO DO REAL THUMPING GOOD WORK IN PRISON VISITING . $ YOURS SINCERELY , TINY CRUISE-ORB . ' $ $ THERE ! $ NOW I CAN TELL YOU ALL MY TROUBLES . $ BEFORE I BEGIN I 'D BETTER EXPLAIN THE REASON FOR MY INCARCE RATION . $ I SHOULDN'T BE HERE AT ALL , OF COURSE . $ I SHOULD HAVE GOT OFF WITH A SMALL FINE ; BUT , UNFORTUNATEL Y , THE FELLOW ON THE BENCH WAS A CONVERT TO ROMAN CATHOLICI SM AND THEY CAN BE THE VERY DEVIL - $ 01 - I WAS CAUGHT , YOU KNOW . $ ON TELEVISION . $ 16 I HEARD . $ 01 - I MURDERED MY WIFE . $ THAT 'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT NIGHT . $ 16 YES , QUITE . $ NOW , WHERE WAS I - $ 01 - REMEMBER WHEN I WAS GOING MAD WITH WORRY , AND ASKED YO U TO - $ 16 - OF COURSE , OF COURSE . $ NOW , WHEN DID IT ALL HAPPEN ? $ OH , YES - $ LAST FRIDAY ] $ WELL , LAST FRAIDAY , I RECEIVED A TELEGRAM ADDRESSED TO MY ... OTHER HALF , MISS FELICITY BARTLETT , BOX NUMBER DAH-DE -DAH USUAL HIDEY HOLE . $ I OPENED IT AND , DO YOU KNOW ! $ IT WAS FROM THE LADIES TRUE LOVE LIBRARY GUILD , CONGRATULAT ING ME ON WINNING THE ROMANTIC NOVELIST OF THE YEAR AWARD ! $ I NEARLY SPUN INTO THE GRATE ! $ I MEAN , AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ! $ YEARS OF PLANNING , PLOTTING , AND STEALING EPISODES FROM TH E LOVE LIVES OF PATRONS OF AURICULAR CONFESSIONS - $ FELICITY HAD REACHED THE PINNACLE OF HER CAREER AT LAST . $ THAT DILIGENT SEAMSTRESS OF THE PASSIONATE EMBRACE , GUIDING HER READERS WITH GENTLE HAND THROUGH TALES OF STAR-CROSSED CONGRESS IN HOSPITAL WARDS AND EXOTIC PERSIAN MARKETS , HAD GONE TO THE TOP OF THE FORM . $ COMPLETELY FORGETTING THE ONCOMING PREDICAMENT , I READ ON ; INTONING THE GLAMOROUS PRIZES AS MY EYES FELL HUNGRILY UPON THE SUCCEEDING LINES . $ #86 $ THE TEMPTATIONS WERE IMMENSE : A FOYLES LITERARY SOIREE ; A THOUSAND POUNDS IN PREMIUM BONDS ; ETHEL M. DELL SUSPENDERS IN NINE CARAT GOLD ... $ THEN I SUDDENLY REALIZED . $ GOOD LORD , I SAID , I 'M FELICITY BARTLETT ! $ AWFUL FLAP ! $ WHAT ON EARTH WAS I TO DO ? $ I TELL YOU , I WAS DUMB-STRUCK . $ $ THEN I HAD AN IDEA ... $ THE LEGION OF MARY WAS COLLECTING FOR A JUMBLE SALE AND SACK S OF CLOTHING ARRIVED PERIODICALLY AND WERE DEPOSITED IN THE VESTIBULE TO AWAIT SORTING . $ WHEN NO-ONE WAS AROUND I WENT TO THE VESTIBULE , AND OPENED THE SACKS ... $ $ IT WAS A MOST IMPRUDENT ACTION . $ I WAS WALKING - IF THAT IS THE WORD - UP THE CHARING CROSS R OAD ON MY WAY TO FOYLES WHEN AN INDIAN FAKIR LEAPT OUT OF TH E GUTTER AND SHOUTED - I WANT TO LAY HANDS ON YOU - $ GO AWAY I SAID - $ CLEAR OFF - I WANT TO LAY HANDS ON YOU , HE SAID , I 'M A PA LMIST ! $ AND WITH THAT HE LEAPT AT ME AGAIN . $ I WAS CARRYING A ... HANDBAG . $ A LARGE , HEAVY HANDBAG . $ I AIMED FOR HIS CHIN . $ IN THE ENSUING STRUGGLE , THE CLOCHE HAT , THE VEIL , AND TH E WIG , WHICH I HAD SO CAREFULLY MANUFACTURED FROM AN OLD TE A-COSY , ALL TUMBLED ONTO THE STREET TO THE SAUCY DELIGHT OF A VAST CROWD . $ A POLICEMAN , DISTURBED BY THE COMMOTION , RAN OUT OF AN EST ABLISHMENT CALLED LOTS O' FUN . $ I WAS ARRESTED , DEFROCKED , AND PUBLICLY EXHIBITED AS TRANS VESTITE ALL IN THE SPACE OF AN EASTER BANK HOLIDAY . $ ANYWAY , WHEN I WAS NABBED , I GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN OLD OXFO RD CHUM OF MINE WHO HAD ATTAINED DISTINGUISHED RANK IN THE P OLICE FORCE . $ HE WASN'T MUCH USE , I 'M AFRAID ; HIS INFLUENCE HAD BEEN SO MEWHAT IMPAIRED OF LATE . $ BUT HE DID PUT ME ON TO A DETECTIVE WHO WAS LOOKING FOR SOME ONE TO GHOST A BOOK - $ WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ? $ I HAVEN'T EVEN COME TO MY SENTENCE YET ? $ 01 I MURDERED MY WIFE , I MURDERED MY WIFE ... $ 16 WELL , WHAT ABOUT ME ? $ I 'M SUFFERING FROM WRITER'S CRAMP ! $ 01 I NEVER MEANT TO ! $ SHE DROVE ME TO IT ! $ SHE USED TO SAY I COULDN'T - $ WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WITH ME ! $ WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO WITH ME ! $ WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO ! $ 17 BE QUIET IN THERE , OR I 'LL THUMP YOU ! $ 16 I CAN SEE YOU 'RE THE SAME AS EVER . $ ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS YOURSELF . $ 01 BUT , CANON , TELL ME - PLEASE ! $ AFTER THE SENTENCE , WHAT HAPPENS TO ME THEN ! $ 16 YOU 'LL ROT ! $ THEY 'LL LOCK YOU UP IN A SUBTERRANEAN CHAMBER AND FORGET YO U EVER EXISTED ! $ 17 GRUB-UP ! $ $ 01 FOR WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE ... $ < CURTAIN > $