<< *130 . FRANK MARCUS : MRS MOUSE ARE YOU WITHIN ? PLAYS AN
D PLAYERS , JULY 1968 . P. 29 - 44 AND 63 - 65 . FIRST PERF.
: 030468 . CHAR. : 01 ANITA HILL , 02 EMMA HILL , 03 PETER H
OBDAY , 04 OLIVER BATHURST , 05 SEAN O' HAGAN , 06 ? , 07 OT
HERS >> $
*130 $
#29 $
04 ... TRIM EDGES NEATLY TO SIZE OF DISH ... SIZE OF DISH ..
. SIZE OF DISH . $
NOW WE 'RE GOING PLACES ... $
SOME DRASTIC ECONOMIES ARE REQUIRED ... $
NOW THEN ... $
#30 $
01 OH ! $
HULLO , BATTY ... $
04 PLACE CAREFULLY ON DISH . $
TRIM EDGES AND SEAL . $
01 I DIDN'T REALISE YOU WERE GOING TO BE HERE . $
04 WITH YOU IN A MINUTE . $
01 TAKE YOUR TIME . $
DON'T MIND ME . $
EXCUSE FEET . $
04 PLACE IN PRE-HEATED OVEN GAS MARK 4 . $
THIS IS GOING TO BE A MASTERPIECE . $
THAT 'S IT , FOLKS . $
WELL , I THINK I DESERVE A WEE BREAK . $
GOT A CIG FOR A POOR WORKING MAN ? $
01 HELP YOURSELF . $
04 TA , MATE . $
SORRY ABOUT TRESPASSING - $
01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
LANDLORD'S RIGHT OF ENTRY . $
04 SUPERIOR CULINARY EQUIPMENT . $
01 WHAT 'S IT GOING TO BE ? $
04 WHAT 'S IT GOING TO BE ? $
A PUMPKIN PIE , OF COURSE ! $
01 WHAT FOR ? $
04 HALLOWE'EN ! $
IT 'S TRADITIONAL FARE . $
01 OH , LORD - $
04 YOU 'VE NOT FORGOTTEN THE PARTY ? $
01 I 'M AFRAID I HAD . $
04 BUT I REMINDED YOU ONLY LAST NIGHT ! $
01 I KNOW . $
I EVEN WROTE IT DOWN IN MY DIARY . $
BUT I FORGOT TO LOOK AT IT THIS MORNING . $
I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH ME LATELY - $
04 IT 'S LUCKY I CAME DOWN . $
WE 'RE DUE THERE IN AN HOUR . $
01 DO I HAVE TO GO ? $
04 THE CUNLIFFES' HALLOWE'EN PARTY IS AN IMPORTANT ANNUAL EV
ENT - $
01 IT 'S NOT EVEN AS IF I 'M CLOSE TO THEM - $
04 THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE 'VE HAD THE HONOUR OF BEING INV
ITED . $
01 I 'VE ONLY EVER MET MRS CUNLIFFE WHEN SHE COMES ROUND COL
LECTING SIGNATURES FOR PROTEST PETITIONS . $
04 IT 'LL DO YOU GOOD TO GET OUT . $
YOU CAN'T JUST SIT AROUND HERE EVERY EVENING . $
01 BUT IT 'S TUESDAY - HOB'S NIGHT . $
04 THAT 'S JUST TOO BAD , ISN'T IT ? $
01 HE 'LL BE AWFULLY UPSET . $
04 OKAY , WE 'LL TAKE HIM ALONG . $
01 I 'M NOT SURE THAT HE - $
04 MRS CUNLIFFE SAID : ' BRING EVERYONE . $
THE MORE THE MERRIER . ' $
01 HOB SAYS EVER SINCE THEY WERE ELECTED MR AND MRS SUCCESS
BY THE COLOUR SUPPLEMENT THEY 'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE THE KING
AND QUEEN OF HOLLAND PARK . $
04 YOU 'LL ENJOY IT WHEN YOU GET THERE . $
THE KIDDIES ARE A LOT OF FUN . $
THEY DO IT FOR THEIR BENEFIT , REALLY - $
01 HOW MANY HAVE THEY GOT NOW ? $
04 SIX , I THINK . $
01 A COUPLE OF THEM ARE ADOPTED , AREN'T THEY ? $
04 ONE OR TWO . $
01 THE COLOURED ONES ? $
04 I BELIEVE SO . $
01 I WONDER WHAT MADE THEM ASK US ? $
04 BOB CUNLIFFE AND I ARE OLD COMRADES . $
WE 'VE SAT ON THE GARDEN COMMITTEE FOR A FAIR NUMBER OF YEAR
S . $
THIRTY HOUSES SHARE THAT GREEN , YOU KNOW . $
THAT TAKES SOME ADMINISTERING , I CAN TELL YOU . $
MANY 'S THE BATTLES WE 'VE FOUGHT OVER COMMUNAL RIGHTS . $
01 WELL , I SUPPOSE I 'D BETTER SHIFT MY BOTTOM - $
04 FINISHED YOUR COSTUME ? $
01 JEEPERS ! $
04 YOU 'RE IN A BAD WAY , LASSIE - $
01 OH , IT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
I STARTED ON IT . $
IT ONLY NEEDED A SEAM . $
04 WHAT 'S IT GOING TO BE ? $
01 A SORT OF CAPE - NOTHING ELABORATE . $
04 YOU HAVE A WITCH'S HAT , I PRESUME ? $
01 SOMEWHERE ... $
04 IT 'S A GOOD JOB I DIDN'T THROW OUT THOSE BLACKOUT CURTAI
NS . $
01 BETWEEN YOU AND ME - THIS IS A BIT OF A MESS ... I 'M NOT
MUCH GOOD AT THIS SORT OF THING . $
WHAT ARE YOU DRESSING UP AS ? $
04 I 'M NOT . $
I 'M BRINGING THE PIE INSTEAD . $
01 BUT MRS CUNLIFFE DIDN'T ASK FOR A PUMPKIN PIE - $
04 BUT THAT 'S THE POINT , DON'T YOU SEE ? $
IT 'S A SURPRISE . $
01 HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT SHE HASN'T MADE ONE HERSELF , OR OBT
AINED ONE FROM ANOTHER SOURCE ? $
04 I DON'T KNOW - $
01 SHE BUYS ALL HER FOOD AT THE HEALTH SHOP . $
WAS YOUR PUMPKIN COMPOSTGROWN ? $
04 HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW . $
01 IT WON'T DO , BATTY . $
WE 'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE DRESSED APPROPRIATELY . $
NOW , THERE 'S MRS CUNLIFFE , OPENING THE DOOR , EXPECTING T
O SEE A WARLOCK OR A DEVIL - AND THERE 'S YOU , WITH NOTHING
 BUT A PUMPKIN PIE ! $
04 IT 'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS . $
01 THOUGHT , MY FOOT . $
04 OH , ALL RIGHT ! $
I 'LL THROW THE BLOODY THING IN THE DUSTBIN . $
01 NO , YOU DON'T . $
SIMMER DOWN . $
AND THERE 'S NO NEED TO USE BAD LANGUAGE . $
04 OKAY . $
WHAT 'S YOUR PROPOSITION ? $
01 TAKE THE PIE , DISCREETLY WRAPPED IN BROWN PAPER , IN CAS
E SHE 'S ALREADY GOT ONE . $
04 AND IF SHE HASN'T - $
01 THEN GIVE IT TO HER . $
04 GOOD . $
THAT 'S SETTLED THEN . $
01 NOW , WHAT ABOUT YOUR COSTUME - $
04 BUT I TOLD YOU - $
01 YOU MUST HAVE SOMETHING ! $
SEARCH ! $
RUMMAGE ABOUT A BIT - $
04 PING ! $
IDEA . $
THAT LITTLE NUMBER I WORE ON A FLOAT IN THE OPENING PROCESSI
ON FOR THE ST. PANCRAS FESTIVAL . $
I THINK I REMEMBER WHERE IT IS ... $
03 MRS MOUSE , ARE YOU WITHIN ? $
04 OH , LORD - $
01 YES , KIND SIR , I 'M SITTING TO SPIN . $
03 PRAY , MRS MOUSE , WILL YOU GIVE US SOME BEER - $
OH . $
HAIL , COMRADE . $
04 HELLO , HOB . $
JUST CLEARING UP ... $
03 I SAY , WHAT A HIVE OF ACTIVITY - AS THE QUEEN BEE SAID T
O THE WORKER . $
01 BATTY 'S BEEN MAKING A PUMPKIN PIE . $
03 OH . $
WHAT AN ODD PASTIME . $
01 HALLOWE'EN . $
THE CUNLIFFE'S PARTY . $
03 OH , GOODY . $
ARE WE INVITED ? $
04 THE MORE , THE MERRIER . $
03 OH , WHAT FUN , WHAT FUN ! $
A PARTY - AND TREATS ! $
01 YOU 'LL BREAK THAT BED ONE OF THESE DAYS . $
03 I DON'T KNOW : I 'VE ALWAYS FOUND THE SPRINGS MOST RESILI
ENT ! $
04 CUT IT OUT , HOB . $
03 HEY , TOVARICH ! $
WHAT 'S A NEGRO , JUMPING OFF BEACHY HEAD ? $
04 I DON'T KNOW . $
03 A CHOCOLATE DROP . $
04 THAT 'S NOT FUNNY . $
03 I SAY - ' GREETINGS FROM SHANKLIN ! ' $
'  OH , I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE SEASIDE ... ' $
01 HOB ! $
STOP MUCKING ABOUT . $
NOW COME HERE . $
YOU 'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DRESS UP , YOU KNOW . $
03 OH , WHY ? $
04 I TAKE IT YOU 'RE AWARE OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF HALLOWE'EN
 . $
THE LEGENDARY TIME WHEN WITCHES FLEW OFF ON ERRANDS OF EVIL
AND MISCHIEF . $
03 YOU 'RE WRONG . $
IT WAS WHEN THE ANCIENT CELTS RETURNED WITH THEIR HERDS FROM
 THE PASTURES , TO PREPARE FOR THE ONSET OF WINTER . $
04 EXCUSE ME , IT WAS A NIGHT OF LICENCE - $
03 A HARVEST FESTIVAL - $
04 IT SAYS HERE : ' FAIRIES AND HOBGOBLINS WERE SAID TO CELE
BRATE THEIR FREEDOM FROM THE CURSE OF THE WITCHES . ' $
#31 $
03 A COOKERY BOOK ! $
YOU DON'T GET HISTORICAL FACTS FROM A COOKERY BOOK ! $
' THE OXFAM BOOK OF RECIPES ' - $
04 IT 'S PERFECTLY SOUND . $
IT WAS BUNTY'S ; SHE LEFT IT BEHIND WHEN SHE WENT TO BULGARI
A . $
IT 'S A FOOTNOTE TO THE RECIPE FOR PUMPKIN PIE . $
01 EITHER WAY , YOU 'LL HAVE TO DRESS UP . $
04 YES , OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T COME TO THE PARTY ! $
03 I 'VE GOT A PAIR OF HORNS . $
01 OH , YES ... $
OUR SUMMER HOLIDAY . $
03 BAYREUTH . $
BACKSTAGE , THERE THEY WERE , LYING IN A CORNER . $
DROPPED , ONE PRESUMES , BY AN IMPATIENT VALKYRIE . $
WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING , I NICKED THEM . $
04 WHERE ARE THEY NOW ? $
03 AT HOME . $
IN THE ATTIC . $
04 WELL , WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR ? $
03 I CAN'T JUST TURN UP UNEXPECTEDLY , RUSH UPSTAIRS , AND M
AKE OFF WITH A PAIR OF HORNS - $
04 WHY NOT ? $
03 WHY NOT ? $
BECAUSE SHE 'D HAVE A HEART ATTACK , THAT 'S WHY . $
THIS NEEDS A BIT OF THINKING ABOUT . $
01 COULDN'T YOU TELL HER - $
03 HOW LONG IS THIS PARTY LIKELY TO LAST ? $
04 DEPENDS . $
THEY 'RE USED TO STAYING UP LATE . $
THE KIDS USUALLY GET THEIR SECOND WIND AFTER MIDNIGHT . $
03 I 'D BETTER GIVE HER A RING . $
WISH ME LUCK . $
04 WHO 'S HE RINGING ? $
01 HIS MUM . $
04 THOUGHT SO . $
03 THE SHE-DRAGON . $
MEDEA . $
CLYTEMNESTRA . $
THE QUEEN OF THE GOTHS . $
HELLO , MOTHER ? $
IT 'S ME ... $
NO , NOTHING 'S THE MATTER . $
NO . $
I 'M STILL AT THE OFFICE . $
I 'M OFF TO A REHEARSAL IN A MINUTE : WE 'RE GOING TO IMPROV
ISE AN OPERA . $
IMPROVISE ! $
SHE 'S GETTING AWFULLY DEAF IN HER OLD AGE . $
YES . $
YES . $
YES , I HAVE EATEN ... OH , YOU KNOW - LAMB CHOP ... NO , WI
TH SPROUTS . $
LOOK , I 'VE GOT TO POP IN FOR A MINUTE TO PICK UP THOSE HOR
NS . $
HORNS - THE ONES I BROUGHT BACK FROM BAYREUTH , REMEMBER ? $
SHE 'S DETERIORATING FAST . $
I RANG YOU SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T GET A SHOCK WHEN I POPPED IN
 . $
YES , I 'VE GOT THE UMBRELLA . $
NO , IT 'S NOT RAINING . $
YES . $
ALL RIGHT . $
BYE-EE . $
PHEW ! $
04 WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT A REHEARSAL ? $
03 SHE THINKS I BELONG TO A MUSIC SOCIETY . $
MEETINGS ON TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS . $
IT 'S THE EASIEST WAY TO KEEP HER QUIET . $
04 DOESN'T SHE KNOW ABOUT NITA ? $
01 IT ALL CAME TO A HEAD A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO , WHEN SHE TH
OUGHT IT WAS GETTING SERIOUS - $
03 DON'T LET 'S GO INTO THAT - $
01 AFRAID SONNY BOY MIGHT FLY FROM THE NEST ! $
03 THERE 'S NO NEED - $
01 SINCE WHEN I 'VE BEEN A DARK SECRET . $
03 WELL , AFTER ALL THIS EFFORT AND ACTIVITY , LET 'S HOPE M
R AND MRS SUCCESS DO US PROUD . $
I NOTICED THEY 'VE RE-PAINTED THEIR FRONT DOOR FOR THE OCCAS
ION - DECENCY FORBIDS THAT I SHOULD DESCRIBE THE COLOUR IN Q
UESTION . $
04 IT 'S CINNAMON . $
03 GOOD FOR YOU ! $
BOB CUNLIFFE IS SOME SORT OF ... STATISTICIAN , ISN'T HE ? $
04 AMONG MY COLLEAGUES HE 'S REGARDED AS THE EXPERT - $
03 OH , SO THE COMRADES APPROVE OF HIM ? $
04 LISTEN , FRIEND - $
03 ANYWAY , HE 'S A COMPLETE PHONEY . $
04 BOB CUNLIFFE IS ... VERY SOUND . $
03 AM I CORRECT IN THINKING THAT HE IS , AMONG OTHER THINGS
, AN EXPERT ON NUTRITION ? $
04 YES . $
03 AND HE WROTE A PAMPHLET ABOUT THE POPULATION EXPLOSION ,
DID HE NOT ? $
04 YES ! $
WHAT OF IT ? $
03 HE HAS EIGHT CHILDREN ! $
01 SIX . $
04 FIVE . $
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT . $
03 WHAT 'S THE DIFFERENCE ? $
04 THE DIFFERENCE IS THREE . $
03 SO WHAT ? $
04 THREE KIDDIES , THAT 'S WHAT ! $
THE LIVES OF THREE CHILDREN MAY BE A NEGLIGIBLE FACTOR TO YO
U , MATE - $
03 IF EVERYONE CARRIED ON LIKE BOB CUNLIFFE , WITHOUT SELF-R
ESTRAINT - $
04 THAT 'S A FALLACIOUS ARGUMENT - $
03 WILL YOU LET ME FINISH ? $
04 WILL YOU LET ME FINISH ? $
POPULATION TRENDS HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED IN THE INTEREST OF CAP
ITALISM TO BOLSTER UP IMPERIALIST INFLUENCE . $
03 POPPYCOCK ! $
04 GIVEN A PROGRAMME OF NATIONALISED BIRTH CONTROL - $
03 RUBBISH ! $
04 JUST ONE MOMENT - $
03 YOU SEEM TO FORGET THAT I WORK FOR A NATIONALISED INDUSTR
Y - $
04 YEAH , BRITISH RAILWAYS ! $
03 YEAH , BRITISH RAILWAYS ! $
01 STOP SAYING ' YEAH , BRITISH RAILWAYS ' TO EACH OTHER . $
IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS - $
03 A SOMEWHAT NEGATIVE CONTRIBUTION TO THE DISCUSSION , IF I
 MAY SAY SO . $
04 LET THE LASS HAVE HER SAY . $
WHAT 'S YOUR VIEW , NITA ? $
01 I 'M NEUTRAL . $
I NEVER GET INVOLVED IN POLITICAL ARGUMENTS . $
ANYWAY , I 'M GOING TO CHUCK YOU BOTH OUT IN A MINUTE . $
04 YOU 'RE RIGHT . $
TIME TO GET READY . $
03 OUGHT ONE TO TAKE SOMETHING ? $
A BOTTLE ? $
04 I AM . $
01 YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE ANYTHING . $
YOU MADE THE PIE . $
03 I 'LL BUY THE BOTTLE OFF YOU - PROVIDED IT 'S NOT TOO EXP
ENSIVE . $
04 NINE-AND-SIX , I THINK IT WAS . $
03 THERE YOU ARE . $
04 SURE YOU CAN AFFORD IT ? $
03 DID YOU SAY IT WAS NINE-AND-SIX ? $
04 SORRY , MATE . $
DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY CHANGE . $
I 'LL HAVE TO OWE YOU SIXPENCE . $
03 I 'LL REMIND YOU . $
04 DO THAT THING . $
LOOK AFTER THE PIE . $
03 I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET IN THE HABIT OF COMING DOWN HERE .
$
01 HE WAS HERE WHEN I GOT HOME . $
BAKING . $
03 IF YOU ASK ME , HE 'S GETTING A BIT FAMILIAR . $
01 BATTY ? $
NONSENSE ... $
03 IT 'S OBVIOUS HE 'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU . $
01 RUBBISH . $
I 'VE KNOWN HIM LONGER THAN I 'VE KNOWN YOU - SEVEN YEARS !
$
03 HM . $
01 ANYWAY HE 'S A MARRIED MAN . $
03 SO WHAT ? $
BUNTY 'S IN BULGARIA . $
HE HASN'T SEEN HER FOR MONTHS . $
01 OH , BELIEVE WHAT YOU LIKE . $
I DON'T CARE . $
03 WE 'RE VERY AGGRESSIVE TODAY ... $
01 MIND MY NEEDLE . $
03 WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ? $
01 MY COSTUME FOR THE PARTY . $
03 DO WE REALLY HAVE TO GO ? $
01 YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU LIKE , BUT I 'M CERTAINLY GOING - $
03 IT 'S NOT FAIR . $
IT 'S TUESDAY . $
IT 'S MY EVENING . $
01 WELL , COME TOO , THEN . $
03 WHEN DOES IT START ? $
01 ABOUT AN HOUR . $
03 LET 'S GO TO BED . $
01 NOW ? $
IN BROAD DAYLIGHT ? $
03 WHY NOT ? $
WE DO WHEN WE 'RE ON HOLIDAY . $
01 WE 'RE NOT ON HOLIDAY NOW , ARE WE ? $
03 YOU FANCY BATTY , DON'T YOU ? $
GO ON , ADMIT IT : YOU PREFER YOUR LANDLORD TO ME . $
01 I DON'T LIKE EITHER OF YOU WHEN YOU ARGUE . $
03 IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING . $
01 LIKE ME . $
03 ANITA ! $
THAT WAS NOT A VERY FRIENDLY THING TO SAY . $
01 WASN'T MEANT TO BE . $
03 YOU KNOW IT 'S NOT TRUE . $
01 DO I ? $
03 I SAY , WE ARE A CROSS LITTLE MOUSE TODAY ! $
WHAT 'S UP ? $
I 'M FURIOUS ! $
I HATE THAT BAD PUSSY CAT ! $
HEY , DO YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT THE TWO LITTLE MICE PEEPING
OUT OF A HOLE IN A DANCE HALL FLOOR ? $
' LOOK AT THAT SMASHING PAIR OF LEGS ! ' SAYS ONE . $
' BOY , OH GEE - JUST LOOK AT THOSE LEGS ! ' $
BUT THE OTHER ONE JUST SITS THERE LOOKING EVER SO SAD . $
' WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? ' SAYS HIS FRIEND . $
#32 $
' DON'T YOU LIKE GIRLS' LEGS ? ' $
' I 'M AFRAID NOT , ' SAYS THE OTHER . $
' YOU SEE , I 'M A TIT MOUSE . ' $
NITA ! $
DARLING ! $
01 IT 'S NOTHING . $
A BIT OF A HEADACHE . $
IT 'LL PASS . $
03 POOR MOUSEY . $
HAD AN AGGRAVATING DAY ? $
01 OH , EVERYTHING WENT WRONG . $
FIRST THING THIS MORNING : A BIG CONSIGNMENT OF IRISH LINEN
ARRIVES . $
TURNS OUT IT 'S THE WRONG SIZE , WRONG COLOUR AND WRONG QUAL
ITY . $
ON TOP OF WHICH THE NAPKINS DONHT MATCH . $
AND THE WHOLE THING HAD BEEN ORDERED SPECIALLY FOR A WEDDING
 RECEPTION . $
A LADY SOMETHING-OR-OTHER - REGULAR CUSTOMER FOR A CENTURY .
 $
RESULT : BIG EXPLOSION . $
MR SAWYER FOAMING AT THE MOUTH . $
' BLAST THOSE BLOODY IRISH ! $
WHERE 'S MISS HILL ! ' $
HE GETS EVER SO RUDE , YOU KNOW , AND WHEN HE YELLS HE REALL
Y YELLS . $
THE ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT GET QUITE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR CHAN
DELIERS . $
I REMAINED PERFECTLY CALM . $
I SHOWED HIM THE ORDER BOOK . $
NOTHING WRONG WITH IT - AND , WHAT 'S MORE , COUNTER-SIGNED
BY HIM ! $
THAT SOON SHUT HIM UP . $
THEN HER LADYSHIP ARRIVES . $
HYSTERICS . $
PHONE CALL TO IRELAND . $
MANAGER OUT , DRINKING WITH HIS PRIEST . $
SOLUTION OF PROBLEM : REARRANGEMENT OF WEDDING RECEPTION . $
INSTEAD OF FIVE LARGE TABLES , SIXTEEN SMALL ONES , WITH DIF
FERENT - COLOURED CLOTHS , AND PAPER NAPKINS . $
CELESTIAL CHOIR . $
THE END . $
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN . $
03 AH . $
POOR LOVE . $
01 IT GETS YOU DOWN , SOMETIMES . $
03 NEVER MIND . $
YOU CAN DROWN YOUR SORROWS IN THE CUNLIFFES' ESOTERIC COCKTA
ILS . $
01 AND WAKE UP TOMORROW WITH A HANGOVER ? $
NOT LIKELY . $
03 I LIKE YOU WHEN YOU 'RE DRUNK . $
ANITA , DARLING ... $
01 WHAT ? $
03 WHAT 'S THE MATTER . $
YOU 'RE VERY EDGY TODAY . $
01 YOU KNOW I CAN'T BEAR PEOPLE STANDING BEHIND ME . $
03 I 'M NOT PEOPLE . $
01 ALL RIGHT , THEN - MEN . $
WHENEVER A MAN STANDS BEHIND ME I ALWAYS EXPECT TO FIND HIM
WITH HIS TROUSERS DOWN . $
03 ANITA ! $
01 I CAN'T HELP IT . $
IT GOES BACK TO CHILDHOOD - SATURDAY MORNING PICTURES . $
' ABBOT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER ... ' $
03 MOTHER NEVER USED TO LET ME SEE THOSE SORT OF FILMS . $
01 I 'M SURPRISED SHE EVER LETS YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE - EVEN N
OW . $
IT WOULD SHAKE HER , WOULDN'T IT , IF SHE FOUND OUT YOU WERE
 STILL COMING TO SEE ME . $
03 SHE WON'T FIND OUT . $
SHE 'S QUITE CONVINCED THAT IT 'S THE WAGNER SOCIETY . $
DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR LITTLE HEAD . $
I 'VE GOT IT ALL WORKED OUT . $
AS FAR AS MA MERE IS CONCERNED , I HAVE A CAST-IRON ALIBI .
$
01 YOU 'RE A LOUSY , ROTTEN SWINE . $
03 I KNOW . $
BUT A CLEVER ONE , DON'T YOU AGREE ? $
01 OH , YES . $
BRILLIANT . $
03 PROVE IT . $
01 HOW ? $
I MEAN APART FROM THAT ! $
03 KISS ? $
01 OH , ALL RIGHT THEN . $
03 THAT WASN'T A PROPER ONE . $
01 YOU 'RE NOT GETTING A PROPER ONE . $
I KNOW WHAT ' PROPER ' KISSES LEAD TO . $
03 WELL , IF IT 'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE CUNLIFFES' P
ARTIES YOU 'RE PROBABLY IN FOR IT WILLY NILLY . $
01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $
03 SURELY YOU 'VE HEARD ABOUT THEIR PROGRESSIVE GAMES ? $
SO , WHO KNOWS , WE MAY YET END UP IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE
 STAIRS . $
01 DON'T HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY FOR YOURSELF . $
GO ON - HOLD IT FOR ME . $
I WANT TO TRY IT ON . $
03 YES , MA'AM . $
01 HOW DO I LOOK ? $
03 SMASHING . $
01 OH , NO YOU DON'T ! $
OH , NO YOU DON'T ! $
03 YOU 'RE A BAD , BAD GIRL . $
DENYING ME MY ... CONJUGAL RIGHTS . $
OH , SORRY . $
01 YOU 'D BETTER GO FOR YOUR HORNS . $
03 COME IN . $
04 YOUR HOOCH , FRIEND . $
03 AH , THANK YOU . $
FROM A BULGARIAN CO-OPERATIVE , I SEE . $
04 WHERE ? $
03 BOTTLED BY BUNTY , PERHAPS ? $
04 HUNGARIAN ! $
DON'T YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ? $
WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOURSELF A PAIR OF SPECS ? $
HE 'S GETTING DECREPIT , THAT 'S HIS TROUBLE . $
03 DON'T FORGET YOU OWE ME SIXPENCE . $
04 I HAVEN'T - $
03 THANK YOU . $
04 PIE ALL RIGHT ? $
01 I 'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T LOOKED . $
04 WHAT ! $
MY GOD ! $
IT MAY BE RUINED ! $
BLACK MARK FOR INEFFICIENCY ! $
03 I 'LL OPEN IT ON MY WAY OUT . $
01 IT 'S PROBABLY FOR THE HARRINGTONS . $
04 SAVED ! $
IN THE NICK OF TIME - $
03 WHAT HAVE WE HERE - A REPLICA OF LENIN'S TOMB ? $
01 A WEE BIT ON THE DARK SIDE , ISN'T IT ? $
04 NONSENSE , IT 'S DONE TO A TURN . $
I 'D BETTER LET IT COOL OFF A BIT . $
WASN'T THAT THE FRONT DOORBELL . $
01 YES . $
04 PROBABLY FOR THE HARRINGTONS . $
01 IT ALWAYS IS - THEIR VISITORS MUST BE ILLITERATE . $
THEY 'RE ALWAYS PRESSING THE WRONG BELL . $
I GET SICK TO DEATH OF TRAIPSING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS ALL
DAY JUST TO LET IN - $
03 GUESS WHO ! $
01 OH NO . $
02 I 'M AFRAID SO . $
I 'M BACK . $
01 BUT ... BUT ... $
02 I KNOW - $
01 WELL ... $
WHAT HAPPENED ? $
02 THINGS ... DIDN'T WORK OUT . $
01 WHAT ON EARTH WENT WRONG THIS TIME ? $
02 NOTHING , REALLY - $
01 NOTHING . $
YOU GO AWAY FOR SIX MONTHS AND YOU COME BACK AFTER THREE WEE
KS ! $
02 THREE AND A HALF - $
01 I GIVE UP . $
04 YOU 'RE NOT IN ANY KIND OF TROUBLE , ARE YOU , LASS ? $
01 SHE GETS A DECENT JOB , FOR ONCE , AS AN AU PAIR GIRL IN
FRANCE - $
02 LOOK - YOU DON'T HAVE TO - $
01 I PRESUME YOU HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO ? $
02 I 'VE HAD A LONG JOURNEY - $
04 YOU ARRIVED AT VICTORIA ? $
02 I DON'T KNOW . $
01 OH , SURELY - $
02 YES , I THINK SO . $
03 TRAIN ON TIME ? $
GOOD OLD BRITISH RAILWAYS ... $
02 WELL , DON'T JUST STAND AND STARE . $
SHOW A BIT OF MERCY , CAN'T YOU ? $
04 WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA ? $
02 WELL , I ... $
01 IF YOU DON'T MIND - I WISH TO SPEAK TO EMMA ALONE . $
04 OF COURSE . $
I 'LL GO AND FIND MY COSTUME . $
COME ON , HOB - YOU CAN GO AND FETCH YOUR HORNS - $
03 PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM . $
04 SEE YOU ANON . $
01 NOW THEN - $
02 WELL , I 'LL JUST UNPACK A FEW THINGS . $
01 I 'M WAITING . $
02 COULDN'T WE ... $
01 NO . $
02 YOU ALWAYS ASSUME THE WORST ABOUT ME . $
JUDGEMENT WITHOUT TRIAL ! $
01 YOUR PAST RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF . $
#33 $
02 IT DOESN'T PROVE IT 'S MY FAULT . $
01 THERE 'S A LIMIT TO COINCIDENCE . $
THE CONTINENT OF EUROPE IS LITTERED WITH YOUR TORN CONTRACTS
 : AND THEY ALL LEAD BACK TO HOLLAND PARK . $
02 I SPENT FOUR MONTHS IN PORTUGAL - $
01 HURRAY ! $
A WORLD RECORD ! $
MAY I REMIND YOU THAT YOU LEFT - HOW SHALL I PUT IT - ? $
02 UNDER A CLOUD ? $
01 YOUR NAME IS MUD ON THE ENTIRE IBERIAN PENINSULA ! $
02 YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY ... $
01 YOU ONLY TRY TO PLEASE YOURSELF . $
WHAT ABOUT MUM AND DAD - HOW DO YOU THINK THEY FEEL ABOUT TH
E WAY YOU CARRY ON ? $
THEY GAVE US BOTH A DECENT RESPECTABLE HOME AND YOU BEHAVE A
S IF ... $
02 BUT WE 'RE DIFFERENT . $
YOU 'RE MORE SORT OF STATIC . $
I JUST LIKE TRAVELLING - $
01 YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN ! $
02 IT 'S NOT MY FAULT THEY WON'T LET ME GET INTO EUROPE . $
01 THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS YOU 'RE FECKLESS . $
YOU CAN'T TAKE ROOT . $
02 WELL , I DON'T THINK YOU LEAD SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE . $
IT 'S ALL A MATTER OF TASTE - $
01 I 'VE WORKED IN THE SAME PLACE FOR EIGHT YEARS . $
I 'VE STUCK IT OUT ! $
02 AND WHERE 'S IT GOT YOU ? $
01 I 'M AN UNDER-BUYER . $
02 QUICK - A STIFF DRINK ! $
01 I DO WISH YOU COULD SOMETIMES BEHAVE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN
BEING - $
02 WHAT ON EARTH 'S NORMAL ? $
01 I 'M NORMAL ! $
02 EIGHT YEARS IN THE SAME JOB , AND SIX YEARS WAITING FOR T
HE SAME MAN TO PROPOSE TO YOU - HONESTLY , IF THAT 'S NORMAL
 I - $
01 LOOK , IF YOU WANT TO STAY HERE , YOU 'D BETTER SHUT UP !
 $
I CAN'T WASTE TIME ARGUING - I 'VE GOT TO GET READY FOR A PA
RTY . $
YOUR BED 'S AIRED , AND THERE 'S SOME FOOD IN THE LARDER . $
WHEN DID YOU LAST EAT ? $
02 THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY , I THINK . $
01 EMMA ! $
02 BUT I 'M NOT HUNGRY - $
01 I 'LL PUT ON AN EGG - $
THERE 'S A MAN OUTSIDE THE WINDOW ! $
02 CHRIST ! $
I 'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT HIM ! $
I MET HIM COMING OUT OF THE TUBE STATION ; HE HELPED ME CARR
Y MY CASES - $
HELLO THERE ! $
SO SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING . $
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN ? $
I 'D TOTALLY FORGOTTEN . $
05 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT ? $
I RUPTURE MYSELF LUGGING YOUR BLOODY SUITCASE AND YOU LEAVE
ME OUTSIDE TO FREEZE TO DEATH . $
WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH HER ? $
DON'T TELL ME . $
I COULD SEE HER FACE FALL THE MOMENT I CAME IN - ' GET HIM O
UT OF HERE - WE DON'T WANT THE COLOUR PROBLEM SPOILING OUR N
ICE COSY EVENING ! ' $
02 ER - MAY I INTRODUCE - $
05 YOU WANT TO KNOW MY NAME ? $
IT 'S SEAN . $
I 'M IRISH . $
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME ? $
ASK THE POLICE . $
I 'M YOUR NEIGHBOUR , ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE ? $
I LIVE A FEW DOORS AWAY IN THE LEPER COLONY . $
MIND IF I SMOKE ? $
MARIJUANA . $
FILTER TIPPED . $
01 WON'T YOU SIT DOWN ? $
02 IT WAS ALL MY FAULT . $
I SIMPLY FORGOT - $
05 FORGOT !! $
YOU CAN LOOK AT ME AND FORGET - ? $
02 I COLLAPSED FROM FATIGUE AS SOON AS I SET FOOT ... $
I 'M NOT VERY STRONG ... $
05 ' SHAN'T BE A MINUTE , ' SHE SAYS , AND LEAVES ME OUT THE
RE LIKE A RUBBISH BIN ... $
01 TYPICAL . $
I THINK YOU OWE HIM AN APOLOGY . $
05 ' HIM ? ' $
AM I A THING , AN OBJECT ? $
HAVEN'T I GOT A NAME ? $
01 COME IN . $
04 MY GOD ! $
WHAT A DISGUISE ! $
YOU 'LL SCARE AWAY THE HOBGOBLINS ! $
01 THIS IS MY LANDLORD , MR. BATHURST ; THIS IS SEAN , A FRI
END OF EMMA'S . $
04 I SAY , I 'M TERRIBLY SORRY . $
FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WARLOCK . $
I CAN'T SEE PROPERLY THROUGH THESE EYE SLITS . $
PLEASED TO MEET YOU , FRIEND . $
05 I DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH LANDLORDS . $
04 NOR DO I . $
CAPITALIST EXPLOITERS ! $
05 IS THAT YOUR UNIFORM ? $
04 WORE IT ON A PROCESSION . $
COME TO THE PARTY WITH US ! $
HALLOWE'EN . $
GIVEN BY THE CUNLIFFES DOWN THE ROAD . $
05 THE POSH END . $
04 THEY 'RE VERY ACTIVE SOCIALLY - SIT ON ALL THE COMMITTEES
 , RACIAL INCLUDED . $
05 I KNOW THE TYPE . $
BLOODY PROGRESSIVES . $
04 THAT 'S RIGHT . $
I 'M SURE YOU 'LL FIND PLENTY OF COMMON GROUND . $
EMMA , YOU 'RE COMING TOO . $
THE CUNLIFFES SAID THE MORE THE MERRIER . $
02 SOUNDS FUN ! $
01 I THOUGHT YOU WERE COLLAPSING WITH FATIGUE ! $
04 IT 'LL DO HER GOOD TO GET OUT - HAVE YOU GOT A CARRIER BA
G ? $
03 THE HERDS ARE RETURNING FROM THE PASTURES . $
OH MY GOD ! $
05 WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH EVERYBODY IN THIS HOUSE ? $
01 MR PETER HOBDAY . $
THIS IS SEAN , A FRIEND OF MY SISTER'S . $
03 YOU MUST BE THE GENTLEMAN IN THE ' BEFORE ' AD FOR RAZOR
BLADES . $
05 CUT IT OUT - OR COME OUTSIDE ! $
03 IT WAS ONLY ... A LITTLE JOKE . $
02 SEAN AND I ARE COMING TO THE PARTY - $
01 BUT SHE HASN'T GOT A COSTUME ! $
03 HOW ABOUT THIS ? $
CARE FOR A RIDE ? $
02 THANKS . $
03 IT 'S ALL SEXUAL SYMBOLISM , YOU KNOW . $
IT 'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE EROTIC SIGNIFICANCE . $
02 I THINK THIS BELONGS TO YOU . $
01 IT 'S A FANCY DRESS PARTY ! $
YOU 'RE MEANT TO MAKE SOME ATTEMPT - $
05 WHAT ABOUT ME ? $
03 OH , I THINK IN YOUR CASE - AN EXCEPTION COULD BE MADE .
$
05 SUPPOSE I DON'T WANT AN EXCEPTION TO BE MADE ? $
04 WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON MY MASK ? $
NOBODY 'LL RECOGNISE YOU BEHIND THAT . $
YOU CAN TACKLE PEOPLE ON THE IMMIGRATION QUESTION AND SMOKE
OUT PREJUDICES . $
05 YOU 'RE A CRAZY FELLOW . $
HOW DO I LOOK ? $
02 TERRIBLE . $
04 READY , EVERYBODY ? $
01 I STILL THINK EMMA OUGHT TO HAVE A QUIET EVENING AT HOME
AND GET AN EARLY NIGHT . $
04 HALLOWE'EN IS THE TIME WHEN THE SOULS OF THE DEAR DEPARTE
D REVISIT THEIR HOMES TO BE COMFORTED BY THE GAY ATMOSPHERE
OF THEIR KINSFOLK . $
03 NONSENSE . $
IT WAS A HARVEST FESTIVAL CELEBRATED BY THE CELTS - $
04 NO , NO , NO - $
01 OH , ALL RIGHT , LET HER COME . $
BUT DON'T BLAME ME IF IT 'S A DISASTER . $
04 RIGHT ! $
GOT YOUR BOTTLE ? $
WE 'D BETTER GO ACROSS THE GREEN ; WE DON'T WANT TO RISK CRE
ATING A DISTURBANCE IN THE STREET - SEAN , YOU COME WITH ME
- $
02 WHICH WAY ROUND DOES THIS GO - $
03 COME ON , NITA ! $
A NIGHT OF UNBRIDLED LUST - $
01 SPEAK FOR YOURSELF . $
04 I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS A PASTORAL OCCASION ? $
03 AH , YES , BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE , YOU SEE - VERY LIVE
LY CHAPS , THE ANCIENT CELTS ... $
#34 $
02 OH , WELL , THE MORE THE MERRIER ... $
03 WE 'D BETTER SIT HIM DOWN . $
YOU MIGHT HELP A BIT - IT CAN'T BE AS BAD AS ALL THAT . $
01 ' NOW I WANT IT PLAINLY UNDERSTOOD THAT I 'M GOING TO THR
OW YOU ALL OUT IN A MINUTE . ' $
03 YES , MA'AM . $
SMASHING PARTY . $
04 SMASHING IN MORE SENSES THAN ONE . $
01 LET 'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT . $
LOOK UP TOWARDS THE LIGHT , CAN YOU ? $
03 TRY PUTTING SOME BUTTER ON IT . $
04 NO , THANK YOU . $
03 GO ON , NITA , YOU 'RE A WITCH DOCTOR - GET IT ? $
WITCH DOCTOR ! $
CURE HIM WITH A NATIVE HERB . $
HERB , FETCH A PAT OF BUTTER ! $
03 I 'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN A MINUTE . $
03 WHEN YOU 'RE DEAD AND BURIED THERE 'LL BE AN INSCRIPTION
ON YOUR TOMBSTONE IN GOTHIC LETTERING : ' I 'LL BE ALL RIGHT
 IN A MINUTE . ' $
04 YOU 'RE VERY LOQUACIOUS TONIGHT . $
03 YOU MEAN ' FACETIOUS ' , DON'T YOU ? $
04 I MEAN ' LOQUACIOUS ' ! $
01 SHUSH ! $
YOU 'LL HAVE THE HARRINGTONS DOWN IN A MINUTE . $
03 THEY CAN HARDLY EVICT THEIR OWN LANDLORD . $
01 ANYWAY , WE DON'T WANT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION . $
SOME OF THE PEOPLE FROM THE PARTY MAY BE WANDERING ABOUT STI
LL . $
I COULDN'T BEAR ANY MORE TROUBLE - $
03 I MUST SAY THE EVENING DIDN'T EXACTLY END ON A HARMONIOUS
 NOTE . $
01 WE SHALL PROBABLY BE OSTRACISED BY THE ENTIRE NEIGHBOURHO
OD AFTER THIS EVENING . $
THE CUNLIFFES ARE EXTREMELY INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE . $
03 ALL THANKS TO OUR COLOURED FRIEND , I FEAR . $
04 NONSENSE ! $
IT WASN'T HIS FAULT AT ALL - $
01 NO , IT CERTAINLY WASN'T . $
03 COME , COME , EVEN THE MOST UNPREJUDICED - $
01 I KNOW WHO'S FAULT IT WAS . $
03 HOW DID YOU GET INVOLVED ? $
04 IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE . $
MY COSTUME WAS ... MISUNDERSTOOD . $
03 WHO DID THEY THINK YOU WERE ? $
A GNOME OF ZURICH ? $
04 IT 'S NO LAUGHING MATTER . $
I NEVER DREAMT A PARTY AT THE CUNLIFFES' COULD DEGENERATE IN
TO A FRACAS LIKE THAT . $
03 WHO ACTUALLY HIT YOU ? $
04 THE CHAIRMAN OF THE LOCAL EDUCATION COMMITTEE , WHO , FOR
 REASONS BEST KNOWN TO HIMSELF , CAME DRESSED AS NELL GWYNNE
 . $
OW ! $
STEADY ON , THAT HURTS . $
MY GOD , I COULD DO WITH A DRINK ... $
03 SURPRISE , SURPRISE ! $
01 WHAT ? $
03 LOOK WHAT I 'VE GOT ! $
01 HOB , YOU DIDN'T - $
03 WITH THE COMPLIMENTS OF OUR HUNGARIAN COMRADES . $
GRAPES TRODDEN TO THE MUSIC OF GYPSY VIOLINS . $
01 YOU DIDN'T GIVE IT TO THEM ? $
HOB ! $
03 OH , YES I DID . $
' PUT IT ON THE TABLE , DARLING ! ' SAID MRS CUNLIFFE , SO I
 COMPLIED . $
ONLY WHEN HER BACK WAS TURNED I TRANSFERRED IT TO UNDER THE
TABLE . $
WE-ELL ... JUST AS WE WERE ABOUT TO GO , I THOUGHT I 'D SEE
IF BY ANY CHANCE IT HAD BEEN OVERLOOKED . $
AND , SURE ENOUGH , THERE IT STOOD IN ITS VIRGINAL GLORY , U
NTOUCHED BY HUMAN HANDS . $
01 REALLY , HOB , I THINK THAT WAS A BIT MUCH ! $
03 SORRY , MUMMY , I DIDN'T MEAN NO HARM ... $
02 I THINK IT WAS JOLLY CLEVER . $
01 OH , SO MADAM 'S AWAKE , IS SHE ? $
02 NO , I 'M DREAMING . $
I TALK IN MY SLEEP . $
01 WELL KINDLY SHUT UP . $
WE 'VE HEARD ENOUGH FROM YOU FOR ONE EVENING . $
03 I SAY , THAT WASN'T VERY NICE ! $
01 SHE DOESN'T DESERVE ANYTHING VERY NICE . $
02 NOW I 'M HAVING A NIGHTMARE ... $
01 WELL , HONESTLY , EM - $
02 MY NAME IS EMMA ! $
IT SHOULD NOT BE BEYOND YOUR PHYSICAL CAPACITY TO PRONOUNCE
TWO SYLLABLES . $
01 I 'LL GIVE YOU ' CAPACITY ' - $
02 DON'T YOU TOUCH ME ! $
04 STEADY , STEADY . $
THE LASS MEANT NO HARM - $
01 NO HARM ? $
I SUPPOSE YOU THOUGHT HER BEHAVIOUR AT THE PARTY WAS IRREPRO
ACHABLE ? $
DON'T YOU REALISE IT WAS SHE WHO STARTED ALL THE TROUBLE ?!
$
02 SHE 'S A HARD WOMAN - $
04 OH , COME NOW , SURELY NOT - $
01 IT 'S ALL DELIBERATE , YOU KNOW . $
SHE DOES IT TO ANNOY ME , TO HUMILIATE ME ... BEFORE MY FRIE
NDS . $
02 THAT IS NOT TRUE . $
01 DID YOU SEE HER THIS EVENING ? $
04 HIGH SPIRITS ! $
01 SHE GRABBED THE HOST : BOB CUNLIFFE - $
02 THAT 'S A LIE : HE GRABBED ME - $
01 - IN HIS OWN HOME , THE FATHER OF EIGHT CHILDREN - $
03 SIX . $
04 FIVE . $
01 - ENTICED HIM INTO THE KITCHEN ... AND LOCKED THE DOOR -
$
02 ANOTHER LIE ! $
01 DENY IT IF YOU CAN . $
02 BOB CUNLIFFE , IT SO HAPPENS , WAS SLOSHED TO THE EYEBALL
S - $
04 IT 'S TRUE : HE CAN'T TAKE HIS LIQUOR - $
02 HE DRAGGED ME INTO HIS LOUSY KITCHEN - WHICH WAS FULL OF
SINK UNITS , COOKING UNITS , WASHING UNITS AND GARBAGE DISPO
SAL UNITS - AND BEHAVED LIKE A LUNATIC . $
03 WHAT DID HE DO ? $
DO TELL US ! $
02 HE CHASED ME ROUND THE TABLE SHOUTING : ' I 'M A STATISTI
CIAN ! $
I NEED YOUR VITAL STATISTICS ! ' $
03 AND WHAT DID YOU DO ? $
02 GRABBED THE BREAD KNIFE , AND TOLD HIM TO , ' COME AND GE
T IT . ' $
03 AND - ? $
02 OH , HE SORT OF COLLAPSED AND WAS SICK IN THE SINK UNIT -
 OR WAS IT THE WASHING UNIT ? $
04 JUST LARKING ABOUT ... $
02 AND THAT WAS ALL . $
01 ALL ! $
IT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING ! $
YOUR BOY FRIEND SAW YOU GO IN THERE AND WENT BESERK ! $
02 WHAT BOY FRIEND ? $
01 THE ONE YOU PICKED UP OUTSIDE THE TUBE - SEAN WHATEVER HI
S NAME IS - $
04 STEADY ON , NITA , YOU 'RE EXAGGERATING - $
01 DIDN'T YOU SEE HIM BEATING ON THE DOOR ? $
THREE MEN HAD TO PULL HIM OFF , AND THAT 'S WHEN THE FIGHTIN
G STARTED . $
04 NO , NO , NO . $
01 YOU SAW IT , DIDN'T YOU , HOB ? $
03 OH YES , OUR COLOURED FRIEND WAS STIRRING IT UP ALL RIGHT
 -  $
01 THERE ! $
04 NO , NO - HE WAS PROVOKED . $
THOSE DAMNED SEGREGATIONISTS FROM THE HOUSING COMMITTEE - $
03 ANYWAY , THE CIVIL RIGHTS BOYS FIRED THE FIRST SALVO - $
04 THAT WASN'T A SALVO , THAT WAS MY PUMPKIN PIE ! $
03 WAS IT ? $
WELL , IT LANDED - IRONICALLY - ON A LADY FROM OXFAM . $
I THINK IT KNOCKED HER COLD . $
BEFORE YOU COULD SAY STOKELEY CARMICHAEL THE PLACE WAS A SEE
THING MASS OF STRUGGLING WITCHES AND DEMONS . $
IT WAS LIKE GOLGOTHA ! $
01 AND IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENED AND E
MMA APPEARED DRAGGING BOB CUNLIFFE OUT BY HIS ANKLES - HALF
CONSCIOUS . $
I THOUGHT MRS CUNLIFFE WAS GOING TO HAVE A FIT . $
SHE PULLED ME ASIDE AND BLAMED ME FOR THE WHOLE THING - SAID
 SHE WAS HOLDING ME PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE . $
' GET HER OUT OF HERE , ' SHE HISSED IN MY EAR - ' SHE 'S YO
UR BLOODY SISTER ! ' $
#35 $
I 'VE NEVER BEEN SO ASHAMED IN MY LIFE - MY OWN FLESH AND BL
OOD SEDUCING HER HOST AND PRECIPITATING A RACE RIOT ! $
02 I WOULDN'T BE SEEN DEAD SEDUCING BOB CUNLIFFE - HE 'S A D
RIP OF THE FIRST WATER . $
NEVERTHELESS , I DID APOLOGISE . $
01 REALLY ? $
WHAT DID HE SAY ? $
02 HE WAS PERFECTLY SWEET . $
WE SHOOK HANDS AND HE SAID COME AGAIN , AND I SAID ... ' THA
NK YOU FOR HAVING ME ' ... $
SORRY ABOUT THAT . $
04 I 'M SORRY THE PARTY DIDN'T COME UP TO EXPECTATIONS . $
01 IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT . $
I WAS THOROUGHLY ENJOYING MYSELF AT FIRST . $
03 YES , BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR NIGHT OF LICENCE ? $
04 OH , BELT UP . $
03 ALL RIGHT , ALL RIGHT . $
HOW ABOUT WEE DRINKIES ? $
04 GOOD IDEA . $
03 NIGHTCAPS FOR THE LADIES BEFORE BEDDY-BYES ? $
01 JUST SMALL ONES , THEN . $
04 I WONDER WHAT 'S BECOME OF SEAN . $
03 PROBABLY LOCKED UP SOMEWHERE , I SHOULD THINK . $
04 I PROPOSE A TOAST ! $
TO THE LIBERATION OF OPPRESSED PEOPLES EVERYWHERE . $
DEATH TO THE IMPERIALISTS ! $
LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION ! $
03 GENTLEMEN : THE QUEEN . $
YOU KNOW , MY FAVOURITE MOMENT TONIGHT WAS WHEN WE WERE PLAY
ING THE GREAT LOVERS OF HISTORY GAME . $
01 WHAT ? $
03 WE 'D SPLIT INTO COUPLES AND WERE TRYING TO GUESS WHO OUR
 PARTNERS WERE PRETENDING TO BE . $
I SAW MRS CUNLIFFE OGLING HERS FROM BEHIND A FAN - ' WHO AM
I ? ' SHE SAID , COYLY , AND HE CAME BACK QUICK AS A FLASH :
 ' YOU APPEAR TO BE A MINOR EIGHTEENTH CENTURY WHORE . ' $
SHE WASN'T PLEASED , I CAN TELL YOU . $
04 NOR WAS SEAN WHEN HE WAS DOING KING KONG AND HIS PARTNER
RATHER UNFORTUNATELY GUESSED OTHELLO . $
HE ACCUSED HER OF INVERTED RACIAL PREJUDICE . $
IT WAS A NASTY MOMENT . $
01 WHAT GREAT LOVER WERE YOU ? $
03 LOHENGRIN . $
01 DID YOUR PARTNER GET IT ? $
03 NO . $
FOR SOME REASON SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE DUKE OF WINDSOR . $
01 WELL , I REALLY THINK ... IT 'S TIME ... I TURNED YOU BOT
H OUT . $
04 RIGHTO - READY FOR THE ASCENT ... $
SORRY I COULDN'T PROVIDE MUCH GENUINE HALLOWE'EN SPIRIT . $
01 THANKS FOR THE PUMPKIN PIE . $
THE BIT I RESCUED WAS DELICIOUS . $
04 TRULY ? $
01 FIRST RATE . $
THREE STARS . $
03 CORDON BLEU . $
04 NICE OF YOU TO SAY SO . $
SEE YOU ON THE MORROW - GOODNIGHT ALL . $
01 IF THAT DOESN'T WAKE THE HARRINGTONS ... $
03 IT HASN'T WOKEN HER . $
OUT FOR THE COUNT . $
01 THE SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT . $
YOU OFF NOW ? $
03 NITA ... MRS MOUSE ... $
01 LOOK : I 'VE HAD A TIRING DAY . $
YOU KNOW I HAVE . $
YOU MUSTN'T BE SELFISH . $
03 IT WASN'T MY FAULT THAT ... $
01 I KNOW IT WASN'T . $
03 NITA ... $
01 I WISH YOU WOULDN'T . $
YOU 'LL ONLY GET EXCITED ... $
03 YOU 'RE AN OLD MEANIE ... $
OH , COME ON ! $
01 ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ? $
WITH EMMA IN THE ROOM ? $
03 SHE 'S FAST ASLEEP . $
01 GOODBYE . $
NICE TO HAVE KNOWN YOU . $
03 SORRY , SORRY , SORRY . $
REALLY I AM . $
DID I HURT YOU ? $
ALL RIGHT , I 'LL GO QUIETLY , I 'LL BE A GOOD BOY . $
ASTA MANANA - OR , RATHER , FRIDAY . $
BUENOS NOCES . $
SEE YOU . $
HORRID OLD WITCH . $
GOODBYE , DARLING . $
01 THANK GOD ... $
02 HE WON'T TAKE A HINT , WILL HE ? $
01 I THOUGHT YOU WERE ASLEEP . $
02 I WAS ... AND I WASN'T . $
01 THAT 'S TOO DEEP FOR ME . $
02 FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING ... $
I 'LL BRUSH MY TEETH . $
CLEANLINESS ... IS NEXT TO GODLINESS ... $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
02 I WAS SAYING MY PRAYERS . $
01 GOODNIGHT . $
02 I PUT ON MY NIGHTIE INSIDE OUT . $
01 SO WHAT ? $
02 I DID IT ON PURPOSE . $
IF YOU PUT ON YOUR NIGHTIE INSIDE OUT , THE WITCHES CAN'T GE
T AT YOU . $
IT 'S AN ANCIENT SUPERSTITION - IN YUGOSLAVIA . $
01 IT 'S WONDERFUL WHAT YOU CAN PICK UP ABROAD . $
02 THEY HAVE A FASCINATING OLD CUSTOM IN EAST DENMARK - $
01 LET 'S TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP , SHALL WE ? $
02 JUST BECAUSE YOU NEVER GO FURTHER THAN BLOODY BAYREUTH ..
. $
YOU NEEDN'T PRETEND THAT YOU 'RE ASLEEP , BECAUSE I KNOW YOU
 'RE NOT . $
ANI-TAA ? $
ARE YOU AWAKE ? $
I 'M SORRY IF I 'M - YOU KNOW - A BURDEN TO YOU . $
THIS TIME , IT REALLY WASN'T MY FAULT ... $
HONESTLY . $
CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE TO DIE . $
01 THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
02 I NEVER MEAN TO MUCK THINGS UP . $
I ALWAYS GO WITH THE BEST OF INTENTIONS ... AND THEN EVERYTH
ING ALWAYS GOES WRONG ... $
01 YOU KNOW , I ALMOST BROKE IT OFF LAST YEAR ... $
02 WITH HOB ? $
01 IT WAS STUPID , REALLY ... SOMETHING QUITE TRIVIAL . $
WHEN WE GO ON HOLIDAY , WE ALWAYS GO DUTCH ON EVERYTHING . $
IT 'S ONLY FAIR , BECAUSE I EARN QUITE A GOOD SALARY - AND H
OB 'S NOT EXACTLY A MILLIONAIRE , ALTHOUGH HE 'S BEEN IN THE
 SAME JOB FOR TWENTY YEARS . $
SO EVERY MORNING AT BREAKFAST WE MAKE A LIST OF THE PREVIOUS
 DAY'S EXPENSES , SO THAT WE CAN TOT THEM ALL UP AT THE END
OF THE HOLIDAY . $
ANYWAY , THERE WE SAT ONE MORNING , IN ONE OF THOSE PAVEMENT
 CAFES , MAKING OUR LIST . $
WELL , THE PREVIOUS NIGHT I 'D DRUNK A HALF-PINT OF BEER IN
THAT SAME CAFE . $
THERE WERE TWO KINDS OF BEER , AND I SAID I 'D HAD THE CHEAP
ER KIND BUT HOB INSISTED IT WAS THE EXPENSIVE KIND AND - DO
YOU KNOW - HE ACTUALLY WENT INSIDE TO ASK THE WAITER IF HE C
OULD REMEMBER ! $
WHEN HE CAME OUT , I 'D GONE . $
I WENT STRAIGHT BACK TO THE HOTEL , PACKED MY BAGS AND WROTE
 HIM A NOTE CALLING IT ALL OFF . $
BUT IT WASN'T ANY GOOD - HE CAUGHT UP WITH ME AT THE RAILWAY
 STATION , AND WE MADE IT UP ... $
EMMA ? $
EMMA , ARE YOU ASLEEP ? $
01 OH GOD , WHAT NOW . $
05 HELLO ... $
HELLO ? $
ARE YOU AWAKE ? $
01 SSH ! $
05 I 'M AFRAID I 'M IN A FIX . $
01 QUIET ! $
EMMA 'S ASLEEP ... $
05 THE LANDLADY , THE LOUSY BITCH , LOCKED AND BOLTED THE DO
OR . $
I 'M ON THE TOP FLOOR , SO I COULDN'T CLIMB UP . $
CAN I KIP DOWN HERE ? $
01 I 'M SORRY , THERE 'S NO ROOM . $
#36 $
05 IF YOU DON'T LET ME , I 'M AFRAID I 'LL HAVE TO MAKE SUCH
 A NOISE IT 'LL WAKE THE ENTIRE NEIGHBOURHOOD . $
SORRY , BUT DESPERATE SITUATIONS REQUIRE DESPERATE REMEDIES
. $
01 I 'M TOO TIRED TO ARGUE . $
THERE 'S A RUG ON THE FLOOR BY THE KITCHEN . $
05 THANKS . $
BLAST ! $
01 TRY NOT TO WAKE EVERYBODY . $
05 SORRY , SORRY . $
01 WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? $
05 NOTHING - $
01 WHERE ARE YOU ? $
05 HERE . $
01 WHERE ? $
05 HERE ! $
01 I SUPPOSE IT 'S ALL IN A GOOD CAUSE ... $
05 I SAY . $
01 WHAT ? $
05 IT 'S TERRIBLY CRAMPED . $
I 'M RIGHT ON THE EDGE . $
01 MOVE HER ! $
05 RIGHT-O . $
I DON'T APPEAR TO BE GETTING MUCH RESPONSE . $
01 TRY AGAIN ! $
05 IT 'S NO GOOD . $
THERE 'S NO ROOM . $
SHE 'S LYING IN A VERY AWKWARD POSITION . $
01 WHAT - DO - YOU - INTEND - TO - DO - ABOUT - IT ? $
05 I WONDERED IF , MAYBE ... $
THANKS A LOT . $
I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS . $
AH , THAT 'S BETTER . $
01 I WANT IT PLAINLY UNDERSTOOD YOU 'RE IN THIS BED ON CONDI
TION ... $
05 ... THAT I BEHAVE MYSELF ... ? $
05 I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT ! $
02 WELL , YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN . $
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CONTAMINATE YOUR MIND WITH SUCH FILTH !
 $
05 WHAT DO YOU MEAN - ? $
02 PORNOGRAPHY ! $
DISGUSTING ! $
SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED ! $
01 SHUT UP ! $
MY HEAD 'S SPLITTING . $
05 IT WAS ABOUT AN UNSUCCESSFUL EXPERIMENT IN MIXED RACIAL -
 $
02 EXACTLY . $
KINDLY PERUSE THE LATEST PARIS FASHIONS - AND NO ARGUMENTS ,
 PLEASE ! $
I WONDER IF THE HARRINGTONS ARE WATCHING US THROUGH A ONE-WA
Y MIRROR ? $
CAN YOU SEE ME , MR HARRINGTON ? $
01 WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO - GET US EVICTED ? $
JUST BECAUSE YOU 'RE BORED AND AT A LOOSE END - $
02 I 'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT MEANT - ' AT A LOOSE END
' . $
DANGLING FROM A ROPE , PERHAPS ? $
OR MAYBE THE EFFECTS OF GASTRO-ENTERITIS - $
01 IF YOU HAVEN'T ANYTHING BETTER TO THINK ABOUT - $
02 IT 'S MY QUESTING , PROBING MIND . $
01 MIND , MY FOOT . $
02 NOW , THAT WAS A FUNNY THING TO SAY . $
IF YOU EXAMINE THE ACTUAL MEANING - $
01 ARE YOU GOING TO LET US READ IN PEACE , OR NOT ? $
05 HAVE A HEART , EMMA . $
02 GOT A CIGARETTE ? $
05 I DON'T THINK WE OUGHT TO SMOKE IN HERE TODAY . $
IT 'S BAD FOR NITA'S  THROAT . $
02 TOUCHING SOLICITUDE . $
I THINK WHAT NITA REALLY NEEDS IS A HOT WATER BOTTLE - YOU K
NOW , LIKE ON THE NIGHT OF THE HALLOWE'EN PARTY . $
01 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? $
02 I HAD THIS STRANGE DREAM - I THOUGHT I SAW SHADOWS IN THE
 NIGHT . $
I TOLD HOB ABOUT IT ON FRIDAY NIGHT , BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW WHA
T IT MEANT EITHER ... $
ANYWAY , THERE 'S NOTHING WRONG WITH NITA'S THROAT . $
IT 'S ONLY CATARRH . $
01 AS A MATTER OF FACT I THINK I 'VE GOT TONSILITIS . $
02 LIAR ! $
YOU 'VE HAD YOUR TONSILS OUT ! $
01 NEVERTHELESS , THERE 'S A SLIGHT INFLAMMATION WHERE THE T
ONSILS USED TO BE . $
02 YOU MEAN THE WAY PEOPLE GET RHEUMATISM IN AMPUTATED LIMBS
 ?  $
01 PRECISELY . $
01 FASC - INATING ... $
CAN YOU SEE ME , MR HARRINGTON ? $
01 OH , GOD - $
02 YOU KNOW , THERE 'S ONE THING THAT GOD HAS IN COMMON WITH
 MR HARRINGTON . $
01 BOTH LOOK DOWN THROUGH A ONE-WAY MIRROR . $
02 I LOOKED DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS AND WHAT DID I SEE ? $
05 LOOK , SHUT UP , CAN'T YOU ? $
01 HER MIND 'S COMPLETELY EMPTY . $
IT 'S TIME SHE FOUND SOME USEFUL OCCUPATION . $
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK FOR A JOB ? $
02 YES , WELL ... GLAD YOU ASKED . $
01 IT WOULD BE THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD FOR ME TO FIND
 YOU ONE AT THE STORE . $
WITH CHRISTMAS COMING UP THEY ALWAYS WANT EXTRA SALES STAFF
. $
THE TEMPORARIES ARE A VERY INTERESTING LOT - OUT OF WORK ACT
RESSES AND MODELS AND SO ON . $
WE GET PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE - THE ATMOSPHERE 'S TER
RIFIC . $
02 SOUNDS SUPER . $
01 ON THE OTHER HAND , WHY SHOULD I RISK AN UNBLEMISHED RECO
RD OF TEN YEARS' HARD WORK , AND THE CHANCE OF PROMOTION , B
Y HAVING YOU AROUND ? $
02 QUITE . $
05 I 'LL FIND YOU A JOB . $
02 OH , WHERE ? $
05 AT OUR CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS . $
LOUSY PAY , BUT IT 'S IN A GREAT CAUSE . $
YOU 'D BE ADDRESSING ENVELOPES , PAINTING SLOGANS ON BANNERS
 ... $
02 YEAH , WELL , NICE TO HAVE KNOWN YOU ... $
05 THAT 'S WHAT YOU NEED , WOMAN ! $
MEANINGFUL LABOUR . $
SACRIFICE FOR AN IDEAL - $
02 I DON'T THINK I 'D BE SUITED , THANKS ALL THE SAME ... $
01 OH ! $
OH ... SOMETHING WENT ' CLICK ' THEN - SOMEWHERE BEHIND MY N
OSE . $
IT FEELS AS IF IT 'S BURST . $
I WONDER WHAT IT WAS ? $
02 A JUGULAR VEIN , PERHAPS . $
04 ALL SHIP-SHAPE . $
EVERYTHING IN ORDER ! $
01 WOULD YOU MIND CLOSING THE WINDOW ? $
THERE 'S A DRAUGHT . $
04 SORRY , LASS . $
HOW 'S THE THROAT ? $
01 AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED . $
04 NICE TO SEE YOU , FRIEND . $
COME TO WATCH THE FIREWORKS DISPLAY ? $
05 THE WHAT ? $
04 GUY FAWKES . $
TRIED TO BLOW UP PARLIAMENT . $
REMEMBER , REMEMBER , THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER ! $
05 I HAVE NO TIME FOR CHILDISH GAMES . $
04 CHILDISH ? $
THE ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW OF A DECADENT SYSTEM - $
05 WHERE 'S IT TAKING PLACE ? $
04 THE COMMUNAL GREEN OUTSIDE . $
05 THAT 'S FOR ' RESIDENTS ONLY ' , ISN'T IT ? $
I LIVE UP THE ROAD , YOU KNOW . $
THE POOR END . $
04 I RECKON WE COULD STRETCH A POINT . $
05 HOW ABOUT IF I BROUGHT SOME OF MY FRIENDS ALONG ? $
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO THAT ? $
04 I 'D BE DELIGHTED . $
WE 'VE GOT THE ACTUAL TEAM , OF COURSE - WE REHEARSED THIS M
ORNING - BUT THERE 'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR AUXILIARY HANDS . $
YOU DO REMEMBER THAT WE 'RE USING THIS ROOM AS AN ARSENAL ?
$
01 A WHAT ? $
04 FOR STORING ROCKETS . $
01 I MUST ADMIT IT HAD SLIPPED MY MIND . $
#37 $
COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE - $
04 SOMEWHERE ELSE ? $
BUT IT 'S ALL ORGANISED ! $
01 I 'M IN BED WITH A COLD ! $
04 I 'M SORRY TO HEAR IT , BUT IT CAN'T BE HELPED . $
SUPPOSING WE EVACUATE YOU UPSTAIRS , TO MY ROOM ? $
01 NO , THANKS . $
04 AS FAR AS POSSIBLE AND CONCOMITANT WITH THE EXIGENCIES PR
EVALENT AT THE TIME , WE 'LL TRY TO KEEP THE WINDOW CLOSED .
 $
I 'LL ISSUE INTRUCTIONS TO THE TEAM . $
01 THANKS . $
02 WHEN DOES THE FUN BEGIN ? $
04 WHEN IT GETS DARK . $
NOT LONG NOW . $
WE 'RE STARTING EARLY BECAUSE OF THE KIDDIES . $
THERE ARE SPECIAL MOTHER PATROLS TAKING TURNS TO LOOK AFTER
THEM , UNDER THEIR COMMANDER IN CHIEF - $
05 MRS CUNLIFFE ? $
04 RIGHT FIRST TIME . $
NOW THEN . $
I 'LL GET THE AMMUNITION , AND WE 'LL HAVE A SORT OUT . $
STAND BY , EVERYONE ! $
02 HE 'S - TERRIBLE . $
01 HE LOVES ORGANISING THINGS . $
02 I HOPE YOU REALISE IT 'S ALL GOING TO BE A COMPLETE FIASC
O . $
01 DON'T JUDGE OTHERS BY YOUR OWN STANDARDS ! $
05 WHAT DOES HE DO WHEN HE 'S NOT PLAYING SOLDIERS ? $
01 BATTY ? $
HE WAS ONE OF THE TEMPORARIES AT THE STORE LAST CHRISTMAS .
$
HE WAS SUCH A SUCCESS THEY 'VE ASKED HIM BACK THIS YEAR . $
05 AND IN BETWEEN ? $
01 WELL , HE GOES ROUND SELLING BOOKS FOR SOME PUBLISHER . $
POLITICAL STUFF . $
IT 'S ALL RATHER MYSTERIOUS . $
05 HOW DOES HE MAKE A LIVING ? $
01 OH , THE HOUSE BELONGS TO HIM . $
LEFT BY HIS FATHER . $
AND I THINK THERE WAS A LEGACY . $
05 AH , THAT 'S WHY HE CAN AFFORD TO BE A COMMUNIST ! $
04 THAT 'S IT , FOLKS . $
NEAR ENOUGH FORTY QUID'S WORTH OF ENTERTAINMENT ! $
05 IT 'LL TAKE SOME SORTING OUT . $
04 THAT , FRIENDS , IS OUR IMMEDIATE TASK . $
I PROPOSE THAT , FIRST , WE DIVIDE THEM INTO THOSE THAT GO U
P AND THOSE THAT COME DOWN . $
02 WHAT ABOUT THOSE THAT GO ROUND AND ROUND - CATHERINE WHEE
LS  ? $
04 GOOD QUESTION . $
ON THE DRESSING-TABLE . $
01 MIND MY COSMETICS ! $
04 MIND HER COSMETICS . $
02 WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING WITH AFTER-SHAVE LOTION ? $
01 IT 'S HOB'S . $
HE 'S VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT HIS APPEARANCE . $
02 HE NEEDS TO BE . $
03 MRS MOUSE , ARE YOU WITHIN ? $
01 YES , KIND SIR , I AM SITTING TO SPIN . $
03 YOU 'RE IN BED ! $
01 I TOLD YOU ON THE PHONE - I 'VE GOT TONSILITIS . $
03 OH . $
BETTER NOT COME TOO NEAR YOU , THEN . $
WORKERS OF THE WORLD , UNITE ! $
04 HELLO , HOB . $
COME TO GIVE A HAND ? $
03 NO , BUT I HAVE A CONTRIBUTION . $
I HOPE I 'LL BE ALLOWED TO IGNITE THEM MYSELF . $
04 THANKS , BROTHER . $
02 DID YOU RUPTURE YOURSELF CARRYING THEM ? $
03 I 'VE TAKEN A GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE SELECTING THESE . $
ONE ROMAN CANDLE , TWO SCREECH OWLS , AND TWO BUTTERFLY TWIN
KLERS . $
04 PUT THEM IN WITH THE SMALL STUFF - SQUIBS AND BANGERS ! $
03 YOU 'LL DO NO SUCH THING ! $
04 NOW , PAY ATTENTION , EVERYBODY - THESE ARE YOUR BATTLE O
RDERS . $
THE GARDEN IS DIVIDED INTO FOUR AREAS , EACH UNDER THE COMMA
ND OF A SECTION LEADER . $
AT A GIVEN SIGNAL THE DISPLAY BEGINS WITH THE IGNITION OF RO
CKETS OF THE CHEAPER RANGE , AT THE NORTH END . $
THEN THE MOTHER PATROLS START A GENERAL DISPLAY OF SMALLER F
IREWORKS AT THE SOUTH END . $
SIMULTANEOUSLY , ON EACH FLANK , GOLDEN RAIN AND MINOR WATER
FALLS . $
BIGGER ROCKETS NEXT , ESCALATING IN SIZE , FIRED AT TEN-SECO
ND INTERVALS , RUNNING FROM EAST TO WEST , FOLLOWED BY TEN M
INUTES OF OPTIONAL DISPLAY , TO USE UP THE UNCLASSIFIED FIRE
WORKS . $
THEN THE CLIMAX , THE GRAND FINALE - NIAGARA FALLS ! $
END OF FIREWORKS . $
SHORT INTERMISSION , DURING WHICH THE TEAM LIGHTS THE BONFIR
E . $
BURNING OF GUY . $
CAMPFIRE SONGS , IMPROMPTU DANCING , AND WHAT-HAVE-YOU . $
03 I CAN SEE YOU 'VE DONE YOUR HOMEWORK . $
04 I 'LL SAY I HAVE ! $
I HEAR YOU 'LL BE MAKING YOURSELF USEFUL , TOO . $
01 HOB ? $
03 I WAS ROPED IN BY MRS. CUNLIFFE - MET HER IN THE STREET .
 $
IT WAS MEANT TO BE A SURPRISE . $
01 WHAT ? $
03 I MADE THE GUY . $
01 YOU ? $
03 ONE CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE WOMAN : BEFORE I KNEW WHAT HAD H
APPENED , SHE 'D LOADED ME UP WITH A BUNDLE OF RAGS AND TOLD
 ME TO GET ON WITH IT . $
02 WHERE IS IT ? $
03 AT HOME . $
MOTHER CAUGHT ME AT IT YESTERDAY . $
SHE 'S BEEN VERY FRAIL EVER SINCE . $
01 IS IT A BIG ONE ? $
03 FAIR-SIZED . $
01 I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT . $
03 HE 'S BEAUTIFUL - MUCH TOO NICE TO BURN ! $
02 DON'T LET 'S , THEN . $
IT 'S A HORRIBLE CUSTOM , ANYWAY . $
04 YOU MUST BURN GUY ! $
THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE CELEBRATION - $
03 I 'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU 'D HAVE BEEN IN SYMPATHY WITH HIM .
 $
A FELLOW-REVOLUTIONARY . $
04 GUY FAWKES WAS IN THE PAY OF THE POPE ! $
03 HE TRIED TO BLOW UP PARLIAMENT . $
04 I JUDGE BY RESULTS , MATE . $
HE FAILED , DIDN'T HE ? $
AS THEY SAY IN CHINA : ' FIGHT NO BATTLE YOU AREN'T SURE OF
WINNING . ' $
05 NOW , IF GUY FAWKES HAD BEEN A BLACK MAN - $
02 I 'VE SUDDENLY REMEMBERED ... AN URGENT APPOINTMENT ... $
05 WHAT 'S GOT INTO HER ? $
01 OH , ONE OF HER WHIMS . $
SHE GETS LIKE THAT . $
I SHOULDN'T WORRY . $
SHE 'LL BE BACK ... WORSE LUCK . $
04 TIME IS GETTING NIGH ... I 'D BEST GO AND CHANGE INTO FIG
HTING GEAR . $
FIREWORKS SORTED ? $
GOOD . $
ROLL CALL AT 1700 HOURS . $
HOB : YOU 'LL KEEP THE GUY IN READINESS - IN HERE , I THINK
. $
WHATEVER YOU DO , DON'T SHOW HIM WHILE THE DISPLAY 'S IN PRO
GRESS - THE KIDDIES WILL CLUSTER ROUND AND CONSTITUTE A FIRE
 HAZARD . $
WAIT FOR THE CALL . $
BE PATIENT . $
YOUR MOMENT OF GLORY WILL COME . $
BACK IN A JIFFY . $
GOOD LUCK , EVERYBODY ! $
03 THE MAN 'S DEMENTED . $
I 'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE SO ... DRUNK WITH POWER . $
01 OH , LET HIM BE . $
HADN'T YOU BETTER GO FOR THE GUY ? $
03 THERE 'S NO RUSH . $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY TO YOUR MOTHER ? $
03 SHE 'S BEEN QUITE GOOD ABOUT IT REALLY . $
SAID SHE WOULDN'T MIND COMING ALONG TO HAVE A LOOK . $
DON'T BE AFRAID : SHE WON'T . $
01 I 'VE NO CAUSE TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR MOTHER . $
03 ESPECIALLY NOW THAT YOU HAVE A RESIDENT PROTECTOR . $
01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $
03 SKIP IT . $
05 I THINK HE MEANS ME . $
01 DON'T BE SILLY - YOU 'RE NOT A RESIDENT . $
03 THAT 'S NOT WHAT I HEARD . $
01 WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN ? $
03 PRECISELY WHAT I SAID . $
MY WORDS WERE QUITE EXPLICIT , I THINK . $
BUT IF YOU 'D PREFER IT , SHALL WE JUST SAY THAT HE SEEMS QU
ITE AT HOME HERE ? $
01 HOB , YOU 'VE NO RIGHT - $
03 IT 'S NOT A QUESTION OF RIGHT . $
IT 'S A QUESTION OF COMMON DECENCY ! $
05 MAN , YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BE FUNNY ! $
03 I UNDERSTAND YOU SOMETIMES FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GET INTO
YOUR ROOM AT NIGHT . $
05 IF I GET BACK LATE - $
03 YOU FIND THE FRONT DOOR LOCKED AND BOLTED ? $
05 YES , YOUR HONOUR . $
THE LANDLADY - $
03 LOCKS UP AT MIDNIGHT , DOES SHE ? $
05 RIGHT AGAIN , YOUR HONOUR . $
YOU A FRIEND OF HERS ? $
03 IT 'S COMMON PRACTICE IN THESE PARTS . $
MADE NECESSARY BY THE UNDESIRABLE ELEMENTS ROAMING THE STREE
TS - $
#38 $
05 MAN , YOU KILL ME ! $
03 WE HAVE TO TAKE REASONABLE PRECAUTIONS . $
05 DID YOU TAKE PRECAUTIONS , DARLING ? $
01 MY THROAT HURTS . $
03 IT 'S NOTHING PERSONAL , YOU UNDERSTAND . $
I DON'T BLAME YOU AT ALL FOR EXPLOITING THE ... $
01 YOU 'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG , AS PER USUAL . $
03 HAVE I ? $
01 THIS IS EMMA'S DOING , ISN'T IT ? $
03 AS A MATTER OF FACT , WE DID HAVE A BRIEF DISCUSSION ON F
RIDAY , WHILE YOU WERE AT THE LAUNDERETTE . $
I PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER - $
01 AND MADE IT FIVE . $
03 AS LONG AS EMMA LIVES UNDER THIS ROOF , WE ARE RESPONSIBL
E FOR HER . $
IN THE ABSENCE OF HER PARENTS - $
01 HOB , YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU 'RE TALKING ABOUT . $
YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE - $
03 ALL RIGHT : SUPPOSE YOU PUT ME IN THE PICTURE ! $
05 THAT 'S IT ! $
NITA , TELL HIM . $
THE TRUTH . $
THE NAKED TRUTH . $
01 I WOULDN'T WASTE MY BREATH . $
BESIDES , IT 'S BAD FOR MY THROAT . $
05 THIS HAS BEEN A MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION . $
I HOPE WE 'LL CONTINUE IT SOME TIME . $
I HAVE TO GO NOW TO COLLECT SOME UNDESIRABLE ELEMENTS FOR TH
E FIREWORKS PARTY . $
YOU TWO MUST HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY TO EACH OTHER . $
KEEP THE BED WARM FOR ME , DARLING . $
03 THAT PUT HIM IN HIS PLACE ! $
01 YOU WERE EXTREMELY RUDE - $
03 YOU HAVE TO BE FIRM WITH THEM . $
THEY RESPECT YOU FOR IT . $
01 CROSS-EXAMINING HIM LIKE THAT ! $
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU 'RE MAKING SUCH A FUSS ABOUT . $
03 EMMA SAID - $
01 YOU DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO EVERYTHING EMMA SAYS . $
YOU KNOW WHAT A LITTLE FIBBER SHE IS AND HOW SHE EXAGGERATES
 . $
I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIM STAYING THE NIGHT . $
03 WHAT ? $
01 ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WERE GETTING AT ? $
03 NO !! $
01 SORRY ... $
03 EMMA SAID HE CAME BACK AND KNOCKED ON YOUR WINDOW . $
I HAD NO IDEA YOU OPENED IT AND LET HIM IN ! $
01 OH , HADN'T YOU ? $
03 CERTAINLY NOT . $
01 WELL , IT 'S NOTHING TO GET HET UP ABOUT . $
03 CORRECT ME IF I 'M WRONG , BUT IF SOMEONE TOLD YOU THAT S
HE LET IN AN ITINERANT ... GENTLEMAN THROUGH THE WINDOW IN T
HE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT - $
01 I WASN'T ALONE . $
EMMA WAS HERE - $
03 I 'M TRYING VERY HARD TO BE REASONABLE - $
01 AND DON'T FORGET HE 'S HER FRIEND ! $
03 ARE YOU SUGGESTING ... $
01 IT REALLY WASN'T HALF AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS . $
03 WHAT DID HAPPEN , THEN ? $
I WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY ! $
01 NOTHING . $
03 NOTHING . $
01 I WAS PRACTICALLY OUT FOR THE COUNT , WHAT WITH DRINK AND
 THE SNIFFLES AND SO FORTH ... AND SO FIFTH ... $
03 FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE GET ON WITH IT ! $
01 HE KNOCKED ON THE WINDOW AND ASKED TO KIP DOWN . $
03 AND - ? $
01 NOTHING . $
03 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS . $
01 WELL ... HE TOOK OFF HIS SHOES AND TROUSERS - $
03 HIS TROUSERS ! $
01 I MEAN : I THINK HE DID ; I COULDN'T ACTUALLY SEE ... IT
WAS DARK AT THE TIME ... MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ... $
03 YOU ALLOWED THIS MAN TO POLLUTE YOUR SISTER'S BED ... IN
YOUR PRESENCE . $
01 OH , COME , COME . $
IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT ! $
WHY , HE WAS RIGHT ON THE EDGE ! $
HE COMPLAINED ABOUT BEING UNCOMFORTABLE ... $
I SWEAR IT 'S TRUE . $
AND BY THE TIME I GOT UP IN THE MORNING , HE 'D GONE . $
RIGHT ? $
03 DID YOU - HEAR THEM , DURING THE NIGHT - ? $
01 HOB ! $
REALLY , I DRAW THE LINE AT THAT ! $
03 IT 'S ALL ... MOST UNSATISFACTORY . $
01 I KNOW . $
03 I NEVER SEEM TO GET YOU TO MYSELF THESE DAYS . $
01 AH , POOR BOY ... ALL HARD DONE-BY . $
03 I SHALL WRITE IN AND COMPLAIN . $
01 SUGGESTIONS BOX ? $
03 AHA ! $
01 HOB , NO ! $
N.O. $
THERE ARE PEOPLE - $
03 THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE ! $
01 AND THERE 'S MY THROAT ! $
HAVE SOME CONSIDERATION . $
03 POOR LITTLE THING ... POOR LITTLE SEEDY MOUSE ... TICKY-L
ICKY ... $
01 STOP IT ! $
03 OUCH ! $
CRUEL MOUSE ... CRUEL , VICIOUS MOUSE ... $
02 WHEN THE CAT 'S AWAY , THE MICE DO PLAY . $
03 THIS PLACE IS GETTING LIKE A RAILWAY STATION . $
01 IN FUTURE , KINDLY KNOCK BEFORE YOU ENTER ! $
AND ANOTHER THING : WHEN YOU 'VE SOMETHING TO SAY TO HOB , K
INDLY DO SO IN MY PRESENCE . $
I DON'T LIKE ALL THIS GOSSIPING BEHIND MY BACK . $
02 WHAT GOSSIPING ? $
03 SHE MEANS OUR EBONY FRIEND . $
I DON'T THINK HE 'LL BE TROUBLING YOU MUCH IN FUTURE . $
02 OH ? $
03 I 'VE BEEN MAKING SOME ... REPRESENTATIONS ON YOUR SISTER
'S BEHALF . $
02 OH , IS THAT SO ? $
03 BOTH OF US FEEL THAT , AS LONG AS YOU 'RE LIVING HERE , Y
OU SHOULD MAKE SOME ATTEMPT TO CONFORM - $
02 I SHOULD MAKE ... $
01 ALL RIGHT , ALL RIGHT . $
NO NEED TO MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL . $
03 IT 'S BEST TO CLEAR THIS UP ONCE AND FOR ALL - $
02 IT WOULD SHAKE YOU IF YOU DID ! $
CARE FOR A BANGER IN BED WITH YOU ? $
SORRY I HAVEN'T GOT A GOLLIWOG ... $
03 WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT ? $
02 BY THE WAY , I SAW OUR ' EBONY FRIEND ' ROUNDING UP SOME
OF HIS PALS DOWN THE ROAD JUST NOW . $
THEY 'LL GET LYNCHED IF THEY TRY AND GATECRASH TONIGHT . $
01 I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU THINK YOU ARE ! $
THIS IS A CIVILISED COUNTRY , NOT ONE OF YOUR BANANA REPUBLI
CS . $
03 WHAT DID SHE MEAN ... $
02 CIVILISED ! $
HAVE YOU SEEN BATTY ! $
HE 'S LOST HIS REASON ! $
... HONESTLY , IT TERRIFIES ME ... $
01 NONSENSE . $
YOU 'LL BE PERFECTLY SAFE . $
02 SAFE ? $
ARE YOU CRAZY ? $
THIS ROOM IS MORE THAN LIKELY TO GO UP IN SMOKE ! $
THE HORDES FROM THE SOUTH , LED BY THE CUNLIFFES , WILL COME
 TEARING THROUGH THIS WINDOW , SNATCHING AT THE ROCKETS ! $
THEY 'LL BE FOLLOWED BY THE TRIBES FROM THE NORTH , AND THEN
 - BOY , OH , BOY - MURDER , ARSON , PLUNDER AND RAPINE , TO
 MENTION BUT A FEW . $
03 LYING IN BED LIKE THAT , YOU 'RE CERTAINLY INVITING RAPIN
E . $
AN OPEN TARGET ! $
02 A SITTING DUCK ! $
LOOK OUT , HERE HE IS ... $
04 OUTSIDE TO YOUR POSTS ON THE THIRD WHISTLE ! $
ROLL CALL IN THE SANDPIT IN 05 MINUTES ! $
STAND BY , EVERYONE ! $
02 WHAT DID I TELL YOU ] $
01 I 'M GETTING OUT OF THIS . $
I 'M HAVING A HOT BATH . $
IF ANY ONE ASKS FOR ME , I 'M OUT . $
03 FLINCHING COWARD ! $
01 IT 'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF . $
03 YOUR SISTER 'S LEFT US IN THE LURCH . $
02 TYPICAL . $
WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN , SHE USED TO TAKE ME FOR WALKS AND LO
SE ME - ON PURPOSE . $
03 ACTUALLY , I 'M RATHER GLAD SHE 'S LEFT US ALONE . $
WE CAN CONTINUE OUR LITTLE CHAT . $
02 THERE 'S NOT GOING TO BE ANY ' LITTLE CHAT ' . $
I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD TO MY EARLIER BULLETINS . $
03 BUT YOU 'RE MY STAR WITNESS ! $
02 GET THIS INTO YOUR HEAD : WHAT ANITA DOES IS HER OWN AFFA
IR . $
#39 $
03 YOU 'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE . $
THE BALLOON 'S GOING UP ANY MINUTE - IT MAY BE CURTAINS FOR
THE LOT OF US . $
02 I DON'T CARE . $
I MAY BE PETRIFIED , BUT I DO HAVE SOME PRINCIPLES . $
03 ALL RIGHT , THEN - HOW ABOUT A WEE DRINK INSTEAD ? $
02 NOW YOU 'RE TALKING - $
03 GOOD GIRL ! $
THOUGHT SO - LEFT OVER FROM HALLOWE'EN ! $
THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS GIVE OURSELVES A BIT OF DUTCH COURAGE
 . $
THIS 'LL HELP SEE US THROUGH THE WAR . $
TO VICTORY ! $
CHEERS . $
02 GOD , I 'M SCARED . $
03 I KNOW . $
A LITTLE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT . $
THIS SHOULD HELP PUT US IN THE MOOD - DON'T ASK ME FOR WHAT
. $
02 OH , NO ! $
NOT WAGNER ... $
02 HOB , STOP IT - $
LET GO ! $
LET GO , YOU FOOL ! $
03 THE MUSIC ... THE MUSIC ... $
02 STOP IT ! $
I 'LL SCREAM IF YOU DON'T - $
03 THE MUSIC . $
02 YOU HURT ME , YOU CLUMSY OAF . $
03 HEAVENLY ... $
02 I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH EVERYONE TODAY - $
03 LISTEN ... DOESN'T IT INSPIRE YOU ? $
02 NO . $
03 IT 'S SO INTENSE ... SO PHYSICAL ... $
02 IT 'S JUST A BLOODY NOISE - $
03 JOYOUS ! $
JOYOUS ! $
LAUGH - WHY DON'T YOU LAUGH ? $
02 I DON'T FEEL LIKE - $
03 LAUGH , DAMN YOU - $
02 LET GO OF ME ! $
03 OH ... WHERE AM I ? $
... VALHALLA - ? $
02 HOLLAND PARK . $
03 HOW COULD YOU SWITCH OFF ... JUST BEFORE THE CLIMAX ? $
NOW WE 'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ... $
02 THEY DIE . $
03 DIE ? $
NONSENSE ! $
THEIR EARTHLY BODIES , PERHAPS - $
BUT THEIR SOULS ARE IMMORTAL ! $
02 IF THIS IS WHAT NITA 'S GOT TO PUT UP WITH , IT 'S NO WON
DER ... $
03 WHAT ? $
02 NOTHING - $
03 YOU SAID ' IT 'S NO WONDER - ' $
02 DID I ? $
03 NO WONDER WHAT ? $
02 OH , NO WONDER - YOU KNOW - THAT SHE GETS FED UP AT TIMES
 .  $
03 WELL , LET ME TELL YOU , I 'M GETTING A BIT FED UP TOO !
$
SOMETHING 'S BEEN GOING ON BEHIND MY BACK , AND I WANT TO KN
OW WHAT IT IS ! $
02 IT 'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS . $
WHAT RIGHT HAVE YOU TO BE JEALOUS ? $
03 JEALOUSY , ALAS , IS NOT A QUESTION OF RIGHT OR WRONG . $
EVEN THE GODS ARE JEALOUS . $
02 YEAH , ON YOUR LOUSY LPS ! $
03 WILL YOU TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED ON HALLOWE'EN NIGH
Y ! $
02 ALL RIGHT . $
OUR ' EBONY FRIEND ' SPENT THE NIGHT WITH MY SISTER . $
ANITA - REMEMBER HER ? $
YOUR FIANCEE FOR THE PAST - SIX YEARS , ISN'T IT ? $
03 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS ... $
02 PINCH ME , SOMEONE , I MUST BE DREAMING - $
03 YOUR PARENTS OUGHT TO BE INFORMED ABOUT YOU ! $
SPREADING MALICIOUS LIES LIKE THAT - I 'VE A GOOD MIND TO DO
 IT MYSELF ! $
02 GO AHEAD . $
AND I 'LL WRITE AN ANONYMOUS LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER IN CASE S
HE WANTS TO DIVORCE YOU FOR LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN . $
04 STAND BY , EVERYONE , WE 'RE READY FOR ACTION ! $
ROLL CALL COMPLETE - ALL PRESENT AND CORRECT . $
EMMA , I 'M APPOINTING YOU MY ADC . $
FIRST ASSIGNMENT : REPORT TO THE CUNLIFFE'S GARAGE AND PUT T
HEM ON THE ALERT . $
YOU 'D BETTER TAKE THESE WITH YOU : THEY 'RE SHORT OF LUNAR
MOTH SPUTNIKS . $
02 I HOPE IT 'S A SUICIDE MISSION ! $
04 HOB , YOU WILL STAND GUARD IN HERE OVER THE ARSENAL UNTIL
 THE THIRD SALVO , WHEN YOU WILL RUN THE GAUNTLET ALONG THE
EASTERN FRONT THROUGH THE FIREBALL SPECIALS AND FETCH GUY .
$
WHERE 'S NITA ? $
03 HAVING A BATH . $
04 WELL , THE TIME HAS COME ! $
THE CULMINATION OF WEEKS OF TOIL AND EFFORT . $
I DON'T MIND ADMITTING I FEEL NERVOUS AND EXCITED . $
03 DITTO . $
04 I EXPECT GUY , RESPLENDENT IN ALL HIS GLORY , IN 30 MINUT
ES APPROX . $
I MAY SAY THAT I LOOK FORWARD TO MAKING HIS ACQUAINTANCE WIT
H PLEASURABLE ANTICIPATION . $
GOOD LUCK ! $
TEAM ! $
TO YOUR STATIONS ! $
03 OVER THE TOP ! $
NITA ! $
A POOR REFUGEE ASKS FOR SHELTER ... I SAY : IS THERE ROOM FO
R ONE MORE IN THE BATH ? $
01 NO ADMISSION . $
03 MY LANDLADY 'S LOCKED ME OUT . $
I WANT TO KIP DOWN FOR THE NIGHT . $
01 THAT WAS NOT FUNNY . $
03 THAT WENT IN MY EYES ; THEY 'RE STINGING ! $
01 SORRY . $
03 PROVE IT . $
01 GO AWAY . $
03 YOUR KID SISTER 'S BEEN TELLING HORRID FIBS ABOUT YOU , Y
OU KNOW . $
YOU OUGHT TO WATCH HER . $
ANITA ! $
01 I 'M BUSY . $
03 CAN'T I COME IN ? $
01 NO ! $
03 ALL RIGHT THEN . $
I 'LL GO AND PUT THE FINISHING TOUCHES TO THE GUY . $
03 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
03 SKIP IT . $
IT IS A SURPRISE . $
YOU KNOW THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS YOU 'RE FRIGID - $
- AT LEAST , AS FAR AS I 'M CONCERNED ! $
01 ANYONE THERE ? $
THANK GOD FOR THAT . $
OH , GOD . $
IT 'S STARTED . $
05 EXCUSE ME ... I NEED SUPPLIES . $
WE 'RE MAKING A SECRET AMMUNITION DUMP FOR MY GUERILLAS ...
$
01 HELP YOURSELF . $
05 THANKS ... $
SEE YOU WHEN THE PEOPLE'S ARMY TRIUMPHS ! $
01 RIGHT-HO ... I SUPPOSE I 'D BETTER STEAL MYSELF TO HAVE A
 LOOK . $
HELLO , YOU 'RE BACK EARLY . $
02 THIS IS THE WORST EVENING OF MY LIFE . $
01 OH , YES ? $
02 AT THIS VERY MOMENT , MY DESTINY IS IN THE BALANCE - $
01 THAT WAS A PRETTY ONE ... EVER SO PRETTY ! $
02 THE WHOLE DISPLAY 'S GONE FOR A BURTON - $
01 OOH , LOOK ! $
#40 $
THAT WAS A BEAUT ! $
HURRAY ! $
02 BATTY 'S RELINQUISHED HIS BLOODY COMMAND - BECAUSE OF ME
! $
01 WHAT ? $
02 AT THIS VERY MOMENT HE 'S OUT THERE , LOCKED IN MORTAL CO
MBAT . $
01 WITH WHOM ? $
02 CUNLIFFE . $
01 MR OR MRS ? $
02 MISTER . $
01 DON'T TELL ME - $
02 HE ENTICED ME INTO HIS GARAGE - UNDER FALSE PRETENCES . $
I TOLD HIM I 'D COME IN AN OFFICIAL CAPACITY AS A LIAISON OF
FICER . $
HE SAID , ' RIGHT , LET 'S LIAISE ' , AND SHUT THE GARAGE DO
OR . $
THEREUPON HE MADE CERTAIN SUGGESTIONS , TO WHICH HE RECEIVED
 A CERTAIN REPLY , REFERRING TO A POSSIBLE USE OF THE MOON R
OCKET RAINBOW SPECIAL . $
01 OH , NO ... $
02 ALL THIS TIME HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN AF THE FRONT , COMMANDI
NG THE EASTERN SECTIONS . $
WELL , SUDDENLY BATTY MATERIALISED IN THE DOORWAY , SPEWING
GOLDEN RAIN . $
HE ACCUSED CUNLIFFE OF INSUBORDINATION , DESERTION , ESPIONA
GE , COWARDICE , AND LECHERY . $
01 AND BOB'S REPLY ? $
02 UNPRINTABLE . $
01 THE END OF A LONG FRIENDSHIP ... $
02 CHRIST - THERE 'S BATTY ! $
04 I LAY DOWN MY COMMAND . $
01 OH , BATTY - $
04 IT 'S IRREVOCABLE . $
01 BUT SURELY - $
04 I TENDERED MY RESIGNATION TO THE CHAIRMAN OF THE GARDEN C
OMMITTEE . $
HE ACCEPTED IT ! $
01 AFTER ALL YOUR HARD WORK . $
04 I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO TRUST ONE OF THOSE SO-
CALLED PROGRESSIVES . $
HISTORY PROVES THAT IN A CRISIS THE CAUSE OF THE PEOPLE IS B
OUND TO BE BETRAYED BY THE BOURGEOISIE . $
01 DON'T LET HIM USE YOUR FIREWORKS ! $
04 TOO LATE ! $
01 BATTY , I AM SORRY . $
04 LOOK AT THAT ! $
THEY 'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THOSE BIG ONES OFF UNTIL THE FI
NAL SALVO . $
IT 'S CHAOS OUT THERE ! $
THREE CONSECUTIVE WURLITZERS IN GREEN - I HAD IT CAREFULLY A
RRANGED : RED , GREEN , SILVER , BLUE - IN THAT ORDER . $
AND THEY 'RE NOT FIRING FROM EAST TO WEST ! $
01 DON'T LOOK . $
YOU 'LL ONLY UPSET YOURSELF . $
04 BOB CUNLIFFE HASN'T THE FAINTEST NOTION HOW TO ORGANISE A
 THING LIKE THIS - $
01 I KNOW . $
YOU 'RE THE REAL LEADER . $
YOU 'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REALLY GET THINGS DONE . $
04 AYE ... $
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME ON THE EASTER MARCHES AND ON THE GRE
AT SIT-DOWN ! $
IT WAS I WHO ORGANISED OUR CONTINGENT , SAW TO EVERY LITTLE
DETAIL MYSELF . $
WE HAD OUR OWN BAND : THREE MOUTH ORGANS , THREE GUITARS , A
ND A COUPLE OF DUSTBIN LIDS . $
A MARVELLOUS NOISE ! $
BUNTY AND I FELT WE WERE REALLY ... GOING PLACES . $
AND ON THE SIT-DOWN WE HAD A HIGHER PROPORTION OF PEOPLE ARR
ESTED THAN ANY OTHER GROUP ! $
THOSE WERE THE DAYS ... $
01 THERE 'LL BE PLENTY MORE . $
04 IT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY , NITA , THAT YOU 'RE ON MY SIDE I
N THIS . $
01 YOU KNOW I 'D ALWAYS STICK BY YOU , BATTY . $
04 THANKS . $
YOU 'RE A FINE PERSON . $
AND A FINE FIGURE OF A WOMAN . $
01 I WONDER HOW EMMA 'S GETTING ON ... $
04 I LIKE THE WAY YOU 'RE BUILT . $
YOU 'RE NOT LIKE THOSE GIRLS THAT LOOK LIKE BOYS . $
I LIKE YOUR LANDSCAPE . $
IT REMINDS ME OF MY NATIVE SCOTLAND , THE HIGHLANDS AND THE
LOWLANDS - $
01 WHAT A FUNNY IDEA . $
04 SUPPOSE YOUR NAVEL 'S PERTH ... AND I TRIED TO GET TO GLA
SGOW - $
04 YOU 'RE SO BONNIE ... YOU DRIVE A MAN ... $
01 NO , BATTY , PLEASE - $
01 STEADY ON , BATTY ! $
04 YOU SMELL SO GOOD - $
01 IT 'S ONLY THE THROAT PASTILLES - $
04 HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT ... $
I 'M VERY FOND OF YOU ! $
02 BATTY , YOU 'VE GOT TO COME QUICKLY , THERE 'S NO TIME TO
 LOSE ... $
OH , SORRY ! $
04 WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $
THERE 'S BEEN A GUERILLA RAID ! $
04 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $
02 SEAN AND HIS GANG . $
I SMUGGLED THEM IN . $
ENEMIES ROUTED . $
CUNLIFFES LOCKED IN THE GARAGE . $
MOTHER PATROLS DISBANDED . $
CHILDREN RUNNING RIOT . $
01 SHE 'S DELIRIOUS . $
02 BATTY ! $
THE TEAM , YOUR TROOPS ... WANT YOU BACK . $
04 NOW , WAIT A MINUTE - IT 'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT - $
02 THERE 'S CHAOS OUTSIDE - YOU 'VE NO IDEA ! $
ALL ORDER HAS COLLAPSED . $
GANGS OF MERCENARIES ARE LOOTING : THERE 'S NO RESPECT FOR L
IFE OR PROPERTY . $
SMOKE IS BILLOWING FROM THE CUNLIFFE 'S GARDEN - THEIR COMPO
ST HEAP 'S ON FIRE ! $
IN OTHER WORDS : PLEASE CLEAR UP THE MESS AND GET THE DISPLA
Y GOING AGAIN . $
04 RIGHT ! $
STAY BY THE WINDOW . $
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET . $
THAT WAS JUST THE TRAILER . $
COME ON , ADC , INTO BATTLE ! $
01 I HOPE THEY KNOW WHAT THEY 'RE DOING . $
THINK I 'D BETTER GO BACK TO BED ... $
OH ! $
YOU GAVE ME SUCH A START ! $
05 I GOT IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW . $
SECRET MISSION . $
01 YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY EAR PLUGS ON YOU BY ANY CHANCE ? $
THIS DIN IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE ... $
05 THAT BETTER ? $
01 MUCH . $
WELL , IT 'S BEEN QUITE AN EVENING , HASN'T IT ? $
05 THEY WON'T FORGET IT IN A HURRY ! $
WE SERVED NOTICE ON THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD : YOU IGNORE US
AT YOUR PERIL , YOU SUPPRESS US AT YOUR RISK . $
YOU CAN'T STEM THE TIDE OF HISTORY . $
01 WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS ? $
05 DANCING ROUND THE BONFIRE . $
PRIMITIVE VICTORY RITES . $
ONE OF THE LADS HAS GOT SOME TOM-TOMS . $
WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS FEATHERS , SPEARS , AND A GREAT BIG C
AULDRON CONTAINING THE CHAIRMAN OF THE GARDEN COMMITTEE AND
HIS LADY WIFE . $
01 HADN'T YOU BETTER JOIN THEM ? $
05 I THOUGHT I DESERVED A BREAK . $
THE WARRIOR'S REWARD . $
01 SORRY I HAVEN'T ANYTHING TO OFFER YOU . $
THERE 'S A PIECE OF SWISS ROLL IN THE KITCHEN - $
05 I 'M NOT HUNGRY . $
I JUST WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT . $
01 OH . $
WELL , MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME . $
I MEAN - $
WHAT 'S THE JOKE ? $
05 YOU 'RE A FUNNY KID - $
01 I 'M GLAD YOU THINK SO . $
05 I 'VE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU . $
THE WAY YOU CARRY IT OFF - $
01 CARRY WHAT OFF ? $
05 WELL , AS IF ... NOTHING HAD HAPPENED . $
01 OH . $
05 I MEAN , YOU TREAT ME AS THOUGH I WERE A STRANGER ! $
01 WELL , I HAVEN'T KNOWN YOU VERY LONG , HAVE I ? $
05 WHAT 'S TIME GOT TO DO WITH - $
01 LET 'S NOT GO INTO THAT , SHALL WE ? $
05 WHY NOT ? $
01 WELL , IT WON'T GET US ANYWHERE , WILL IT ? $
05 YOU 'RE REAL COOL , AREN'T YOU ? $
01 AM I ? $
05 DO YOU LOVE HIM ? $
01 WHO ? $
05 THE BOY FRIEND . $
THAT FUNNY BLOKE . $
01 OF COURSE I DO . $
HE 'S MY FIANCE . $
05 SO WHAT ABOUT ME ? $
01 WELL ... THAT 'S DIFFERENT , ISN'T IT ... $
05 OH , I SEE - $
01 OF COURSE , HOB AND I HAVE OUR DISAGREEMENTS - WE DO GET
ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES A BIT SOMETIMES - $
05 AND LATELY MORE THAN USUAL ? $
01 PERHAPS ... $
05 SO LAST TUESDAY NIGHT YOU GOT YOUR OWN BACK ON HIM BY ALL
OWING ME THE PRIVILEGE OF SLEEPING WITH YOU ? $
#41 $
01 NOW THAT 'S NOT FAIR - $
YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T COMFORTABLE OVER THERE - $
05 YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO OFFER - $
01 I DIDN'T ! $
YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T SLEEP . $
05 WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ? $
LIE THERE IN YOUR BED LIKE A DEAD FISH ON A SLAB ? $
DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING ? $
01 NO , I CERTAINLY DIDN'T ! $
I WAS HALF ASLEEP . $
I 'D HAD A VERY STRENUOUS DAY AT WORK . $
05 YOU DIDN'T BY ANY CHANCE THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS - $
01 OF COURSE I DID . $
I WAS SORRY FOR YOU - $
05 SORRY FOR ME ! $
YOU WERE USING ME . $
USING MY BODY . $
01 IT WAS AN ACT OF CHARITY . $
YOU NEEDED SHELTER - $
05 SO THAT 'S ALL I MEANT TO YOU ? $
YOU TOOK ME INTO YOUR BED LIKE A STRAY ANIMAL ! $
01 I 'M VERY FOND OF ANIMALS ! $
05 I GIVE UP . $
01 ANYWAY , WHAT DID I MEAN TO YOU ? $
COME ON , TELL ME . $
05 A STATUS SYMBOL . $
NO , I DIDN'T MEAN THAT . $
I JUST WANTED TO HURT YOUR PRIDE . $
01 YOU DID MEAN IT . $
05 WELL , IT CAN'T BE HELPED : THE WAY THINGS ARE AT PRESENT
 ... $
01 ISN'T IT SORDID ? $
05 YEP . $
I WONDER WHAT SORT OF RELATIONSHIP COULD BE WORKED OUT BETWE
EN A STRAY ANIMAL AND A STATUS SYMBOL ? $
03 SURPRISE , SURPRISE ! $
05 ALL RIGHT THEN ... I 'LL TELL BATTY - THAT THERE AREN'T A
NY MORE ... RAINBOW MOON ROCKETS ... $
OH , HELLO , HOB - BROUGHT THE GUY ? $
01 HOW 'S YOUR MOTHER ? $
OH , ALL RIGHT , BE LIKE THAT . $
03 A MAN HAS JUST VACATED YOUR BED . $
01 WHAT ? $
YOU MUST BE MAD ! $
DO I LOOK AS THOUGH A MAN ... $
03 THAT PART OF YOU WHICH IS DISCERNIBLE APPEARS TO BE CLAD
IN A DRESSING GOWN , SCARF , BERET , AND A PAIR OF GLOVES .
$
BUT NOT , AS FAR AS I CAN SEE , A HANDBAG . $
01 THERE YOU ARE , THEN . $
03 NEVERTHELESS , A MAN WAS UNQUESTIONABLY IN YOUR BED . $
WHAT WE MUST DECIDE IS THIS : DID YOU DISGUISE YOURSELF IN T
HIS EXTRAORDINARY GARB TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THE EXIGENCI
ES OF THE AUTUMN MISTS , OR TO PANDER TO SOME UNIQUE PERVERS
ION ON THE PART OF OUR FRIEND ? $
01 YOU 'RE POTTY . $
03 I SAW WITH MY OWN EYES - $
01 PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN AND OUT ALL EVENING ! $
WE WERE JUST TALKING ! $
03 ALL RIGHT , THEN , KISS ME ! $
01 OH , ALL RIGHT , THEN . $
STEADY ON . $
NO INDOOR FIREWORKS , PLEASE ! $
DID YOU GET THE GUY ? $
03 I 'M DEAD . $
I 'VE DIED OF UNREQUITED LOVE - $
01 DID YOU GET THE - $
03 YES ! $
04 SMASHING . $
WELL DONE , EVERYBODY . $
CAMPAIGN MEDALS ALL ROUND . $
NOT A SINGLE CASUALTY SO FAR ... $
01 TOUCH WOOD . $
04 NOW FOR THE CLIMAX . $
HAVE YOU GOT GUY ? $
03 HE 'S WAITING OUTSIDE . $
04 WELL , BRING HIM IN ! $
03 HE 'S SHY . $
HE 'LL NEED PERSUADING . $
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE HIM ? $
07 YES . $
03 I COULDN'T HEAR YOU . $
COME ON , CHILDREN , ALL TOGETHER . $
07 YES !! $
03 HE SAYS HE 'LL ONLY COME IN IF NITA TAKES OFF HER BLOOMER
S . $
01 THEY 'RE PYJAMA TROUSERS , SO THERE ! $
03 I 'LL TELL HIM . $
03 THEY 'RE PYJAMA TROUSERS . $
ALL RIGHT , I 'LL COME . $
WAIT FOR IT , FOLKS ! $
GOOD EVENING , LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ! $
04 I CALL THAT A FINE EFFORT . $
HOB , YOU 'VE DONE AN EXCELLENT PIECE OF WORK . $
A BLACK VILLAIN , EH ? $
03 I 'M GLAD YOU LIKE HIM . $
I TOOK A GREAT DEAL OF TROUBLE OVER HIM - TO GET HIM RIGHT .
 $
04 FIRST CLASS . $
A.1. $
I 'LL TELL THE FOLKS HE 'S COMING . $
02 FOR GOD'S SAKE TAKE IT OUTSIDE - $
03 NO , NO . $
FIRST WE 'VE GOT TO SEE IF HE 'S INFLAMMABLE . $
04 STAND BY EVERYONE . $
GUY WILL BE OUT IN A MOMENT ! $
05 YOU - LOUSY BASTARD ! $
07 ' GUY ! $
GUY ! $
PENNY FOR THE GUY ! $
BURN HIM ! $
BURN HIM ! $
PENNY FOR THE GUY ! ... ' $
01 GOD I FEEL SICK ... $
02 THE BLESSINGS OF KRISHNA BE UPON YOU . $
I 'M MAKING A CURRY . $
HI . $
YOU DON'T LOOK AT ALL WELL . $
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT ? $
IS ANYTHING THE MATTER ? $
01 IT WAS POSITIVE . $
02 WHAT - ? $
01 I 'M PREGNANT . $
I 'VE JUST COME FROM THE DOCTOR . $
02 GOD , I 'M SORRY ... $
01 CONFIRMED BY THE LABORATORY . $
I CAN'T - BELIEVE IT ! $
02 CAN I ... GET YOU ANYTHING ? $
01 NO WONDER I 'VE BEEN FEELING SO ODD LATELY . $
02 NO WONDER . $
01 OF COURSE , IT JUST HAD TO HAPPEN AT CHRISTMAS , WHEN WE
'RE SO BUSY . $
WHEN I 'M RUSHED OFF MY FEET . $
02 OF ALL THE ROTTEN LUCK ! $
01 THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT THEM . $
02 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ? $
01 I DON'T KNOW . $
I 'VE NEVER HAD TO COPE WITH ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE . $
02 MORE BY LUCK THAN JUDGMENT - $
01 WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? $
02 NOTHING . $
I WAS ONLY JUST SAYING IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING - $
01 WELL , WATCH YOUR TONGUE . $
02 YES , OF COURSE . $
SORRY . $
DO YOU WANT TO - $
DO YOU FEEL LIKE - ? $
I 'VE GOT DINNER READY . $
01 WHAT ? $
02 CURRY . $
01 I 'LL TRY IT . $
I CAN'T PROMISE - $
02 HAVE A GO AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS . $
YOU CAN'T TELL UNTIL YOU 'VE TRIED , AS THEY SAY . $
01 I KEEP YAWNING ; I CAN'T HELP MYSELF . $
EVEN AT WORK , RIGHT IN THE FACES OF THE CUSTOMERS . $
A WOMAN ASKED ME IF I 'D BEEN OVER-DOING THINGS . $
I THINK SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC . $
OH DEAR - THERE I GO AGAIN ! $
02 IT 'S MORE A SORT OF GAPING , ISN'T IT ? $
01 RUBBISH , IT 'S PERFECTLY ORDINARY YAWNING . $
#42 $
02 DO YOU RECKON IT 'S - A SYMPTOM . $
01 YOU KNOW , I THINK I WAS REALLY QUITE HUNGRY . $
02 MAYBE THAT 'S WHY YOU WEREN'T FEELING WELL . $
HUNGER PAIN . $
STANDING ABOUT ALL DAY , WITH NOTHING INSIDE YOU . $
01 OUR CLIENTELE ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE , YOU KNOW . $
ALL THEY WANT NOW IS BRIGHT COLOURS AND MODERN DESIGNS . $
SOMEONE EVEN ASKED ME FOR PSYCHAEDELIC TEA TOWELS ! $
THEY DON'T CARE A DAMN ABOUT THE MATERIAL . $
I TALK MYSELF HOARSE RECOMMENDING OUR PURE IRISH DAMASK , WO
VEN FROM FLAX , BUT IT ISN'T A BIT OF GOOD . $
MOST OF THEM DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ' FLAX ' IS . $
02 ABYSMAL IGNORANCE ! $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
02 ABYSMAL IGNORANCE ! $
YOUR CUSTOMERS ... $
01 YES ... $
SO MR SAWYER DEVISED THIS SLOGAN : ' LIVING WITH LINEN IS LU
XURY LIVING ' - IN GOLD LETTERING , WITH HOLLY LEAVES INSTEA
D OF DOTS OVER THE I'S . $
IT HASN'T MADE AN APPRECIABLE DIFFERENCE . $
I 'M NOT SURE I DID THE RIGHT THING IN EATING THIS ... $
02 YOU 'RE NOT - YOU 'RE NOT GOING TO BE SICK , ARE YOU ? $
01 I WOULDN'T ... ENTIRELY ... RULE OUT THE POSSIBILITY . $
02 I BOUGHT THIS CHRISTMAS TREE TODAY . $
IT WAS GOING CHEAP . $
TWELVE-AND-SIX . $
THEY TRIED TO FLOG ME A CRIB , TOO , WITH THE INFANT JESUS S
URROUNDED BY HORDES OF ... $
FEELING BETTER NOW ? $
SHALL I GET - $
01 THAT SEEMS TO HAVE TURNED INTO A YAWN . $
02 I CAN'T STAND IT . $
01 FUNNY HOW ONE'S ORGANISM SUDDENLY BECOMES SORT OF ... IND
EPENDENT . $
02 HILARIOUS . $
01 IT 'S RATHER AS THOUGH ONE HAD SWALLOWED A LIVE TADPOLE .
 $
02 DO YOU MIND ! $
01 SORRY , HAVE I STARTED YOU OFF - $
02 IT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
IT 'LL PASS IN A MINUTE . $
WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIE DOWN FOR A BIT ? $
01 I 'LL TRY IT . $
INTRIGUING , ISN'T IT ? $
02 WHAT ? $
01 THE GENERAL SITUATION . $
I COULD JUST AS EASILY SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER OR BURST INTO TE
ARS ... $
02 OH , I WOULDN'T ... $
01 I 'LL TRY NOT TO . $
YES , THAT 'S BETTER ... $
IT 'S FUNNY , YOU KNOW , ONLY THE OTHER DAY MR SAWYER WAS SA
YING THAT OF ALL THE DEPARTMENTS OURS HAS THE LOWEST ILLEGIT
IMACY RATE . $
PERSONNEL MANAGER TOLD HIM . $
SHE MAKES AN ANNUAL CHECK . $
02 YOU SHOULD HAVE TOUCHED WOOD . $
01 HAVE WE GOT ANY CHOCOLATE ? $
02 WHAT ? $
01 I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING SWEET . $
02 IS IT A CRAVING ? $
01 I DON'T KNOW ! $
02 I 'LL SEE ... $
01 PM'S THEORY IS THAT IT 'S ALL GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH TH
E MERCHANDISE SOLD ... $
SHE SAYS DAMASK IS A VIRGINITY SYMBOL - YOU KNOW , PURITY AN
D WHITENESS . $
SHE 'S GOT A DEGREE IN APPLIED PSYCHOLOGY . $
02 WHICH DEPARTMENTS HAVE THE HIGHEST INCIDENCE ? $
01 ' UNDERWEAR . ' $
THEN ' COSMETICS ' , AND THEN , FOR NO LOGICAL REASON , ' FR
UIT AND VEGETABLES ' . $
02 I THINK IT 'S A CRUMMY THEORY . $
01 AS AN UNDER-BUYER , I 'M MEANT TO BE AN EXAMPLE TO THE GI
RLS ... $
02 OH , WELL , CHEER UP - YOU 'RE NOT HALF AS BAD A BLUNDERE
R AS ME . $
01 SMALL CONSOLATION . $
ANYWAY , AS FAR AS I KNOW , YOU 'VE NEVER BEEN IN THIS PREDI
CAMENT . $
02 THAT 'S NOTHING . $
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAME BACK FROM FRANCE ? $
01 NOT PARTICULARLY . $
02 IT 'LL DO YOU GOOD - YOUR TROUBLES WILL PALE INTO SIGNIFI
CANCE . $
WELL ... THIS ' FAMILLE ' OF GHOULS , FREAKS AND MONSTERS ,
HAVING BRED SOME MALEVOLENT DWARFS CALLED CHILDREN , BOUGHT
THEMSELVES THIS FARM IN PROVENCE , ON WHICH TO SPEND THEIR H
OLIDAYS . $
' VACANCES EN PROVENCE ' - SEE ? $
WELL , ONE DAY THE ' YOUNG PEOPLE ' WERE PLAYING OUTSIDE IN
THE FIELDS . $
ONE OF THEM HAD A RIFLE , AND WE TOOK TURNS AT A BIT OF TARG
ET PRACTICE , SHOOTING AT BOTTLES STUCK ON A FENCE ... $
01 BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A RIFLE , DO YOU ? $
02 TELLING ME . $
I AIMED FOR A BOTTLE - AND SHOT A COW . $
01 YE GODS ! $
02 NOT ON PURPOSE , OF COURSE . $
I MEAN : I LIKE COWS . $
01 WHAT DID YOU DO ? $
02 MY FRENCH , WHICH HAD BEEN ABOMINABLE , BECAME SORT OF FL
UENT ALL OF A SUDDEN . $
I RETURNED TO THE HOUSE AND SAID : ' EXCUSEZ-MOIS , MAIS J'
AI TUE - VOTRE VACHE ! ' $
THEY PUT ME ON THE NEXT TRAIN TO PARIS . $
01 ISN'T IT ... EXTRAORDINARY ... THAT WE SHOULD HAVE TURNED
 OUT LIKE THIS . $
02 LIKE WHAT ? $
01 ROTTEN . $
02 BORN UNDER AN UNLUCKY STAR , I SUPPOSE . $
01 EM , WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ? $
02 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT NOW . $
IT 'LL ALL COME OUT IN THE WASH . $
01 IT 'S DUE IN JULY . $
THAT WOULD BE NICE . $
I COULD TAKE IT FOR WALKS IN THE PARK . $
02 YES ... $
01 IF I GO THROUGH WITH IT . $
02 IT 'S SORT OF INEVITABLE , REALLY , ISN'T IT ? $
AFTER ALL , YOU 'VE BEEN ' UNOFFICIALLY ENGAGED ' FOR SIX YE
ARS . $
01 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? $
02 HOB , OF COURSE . $
01 OH , DON'T BE SILLY . $
IT ISN'T HOB'S BABY : IT 'S SEAN'S . $
02 OH , NO ! $
01 THERE 'S NO NEED TO SOUND SO SHOCKED . $
YOU LET HIM PICK YOU UP . $
02 YES , BUT - $
01 IF YOU HADN'T BEEN LYING IN AN AWKWARD POSITION ... $
02 SO IT 'S MY FAULT , IS IT ? $
01 IN A WAY - $
02 WELL , HONESTLY ! $
I 'VE BEEN BLAMED FOR A LOT OF THINGS IN MY TIME , BUT - $
01 ANYWAY , IT 'S DONE NOW ... $
02 QUITE . $
ANYWAY , HOW CAN YOU BE SURE IT ISN'T HOB'S ? $
01 YOU 'RE JOKING . $
02 IMAGINATION BOGGLES , BUT I PRESUME HE 'S ... CAPABLE ? $
01 HE 'S ALSO CAREFUL . $
VERY CAREFUL . $
CAN YOU IMAGINE HOB THROWING CAUTION TO THE WINDS ? $
02 I 'D RATHER NOT . $
01 THERE YOU ARE THEN . $
02 SURELY IT 'S POSSIBLE . $
IN A MOMENT OF RECKLESS ABANDON . $
WHAT ABOUT WHILE PLAYING ' TRISTAN AND ISOLDE ' ? $
01 HOW DO YOU KNOW ? $
02 FIREWORKS NIGHT - WHILE YOU WERE HAVING A BATH . $
HE BECAME SORT OF TRANSFORMED , LIKE A MAN POSSESSED . $
01 NO , NO , NO - IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE . $
02 SURELY YOU COULD PRETEND IT WAS HIS - HE 'D NEVER KNOW !
$
YOU HAVE A PERFECT RIGHT - MORALLY , I MEAN . $
YOU GAVE THAT MAN THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE : THE BLOOM OF
YOUR YOUTH , THE FLOWER OF YOUR MAIDENHOOD ... AND STUFF . $
01 IT JUST COULDN'T WORK . $
02 WHY NOT ? $
01 THERE 'S A LITTLE MATTER OF COLOUR . $
02 WHAT ABOUT IT ? $
01 OH , YOU 'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND ! $
WHAT WOULD HE SAY WHEN HE SEES THE BABY ? $
WHAT WOULD I SAY ? $
' IT WAS DARK AT THE TIME ' ? $
02 OF COURSE , YOU COULD ALWAYS GET RID OF IT . $
01 YES . $
02 WOULD HOB FORK OUT THE MONEY ? $
01 OVER HIS DEAD BODY . $
02 MEAN BASTARD . $
01 ONE COULDN'T BLAME HIM , IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES . $
02 OF COURSE YOU COULD ! $
HE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU AGES AGO . $
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU 'VE STUCK IT SO LONG . $
01 I 'M USED TO HIM . $
I 'M USED TO HIS LITTLE WAYS . $
02 I DON'T THINK HE CARES TUPPENCE FOR YOU . $
01 I WOULDN'T SAY THAT . $
HE 'S VERY FOND OF ME . $
AS MUCH AS HE 'LL EVER BE OF ANYBODY . $
02 WELL , NOW 'S HIS CHANCE TO PROVE IT . $
YOU MUST CONVINCE HIM IT 'S HIS CHILD , AND MAKE HIM GIVE YO
U THE MONEY TO GET RID OF IT . $
01 I CAN'T DO THAT . $
IT WOULD BE CHEATING . $
02 WHAT 'S THE ALTERNATIVE ? $
01 PERHAPS BATTY WOULD LEND ME SOME ? $
I COULD REPAY IT IN INSTALMENTS , WITH THE RENT . $
THEN HOB NEED NEVER KNOW . $
02 WHY SHOULD HE GET OFF SCOT-FREE ? $
01 IT WASN'T HIS FAULT - $
#43 $
02 OF COURSE IT WAS . $
GUILT BY ASSOCIATION ... OR LACK OF ASSOCIATION . $
WHEN DID HE LAST GO TO BED WITH YOU ? $
01 QUITE SOME TIME AGO . $
I 'M AFRAID I 'VE BEEN RATHER DISCOURAGING HIM LATELY ... $
02 THEN YOU 'LL HAVE TO SEDUCE HIM . $
01 WHAT ? $
02 HE 'S GOT TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE . $
01 OH , I WISH YOU WOULDN'T GO ON AND ON ABOUT IT . $
LET 'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT AND TALK ABOUT SOMETHING MORE CHEE
RFUL . $
02 I REST MY CASE . $
01 HE 'LL BE ROUND IN A MINUTE ... HE 'S SO PUNCTUAL YOU CAN
 SET YOUR WATCH BY HIM . $
02 DON'T UPSET YOURSELF . $
01 I DON'T WANT TO GET RID OF IT ! $
I DON'T WANT TO . $
02 NOBODY 'S FORCING YOU - $
OH DEAR ... $
01 THERE HE IS ! $
02 I 'LL LET HIM IN . $
DON'T BE A FOOL NOW . $
PROMISE YOU 'LL DO IT ? $
01 ALL RIGHT , I 'LL TRY . $
02 I 'LL POP NEXT DOOR TO THE OFF-LICENCE FOR SOME GIN . $
IT 'LL HELP OIL THE WORKS . $
01 IT SEEMS LIKE AN AWFUL DREAM ... $
02 HAVE YOU GOT ANY MONEY ? $
01 HELP YOURSELF . $
IN MY PURSE - $
NO , NOT MY PURSE - MY WALLET . $
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I 'M COMING OR GOING . $
02 NOW PLAY YOUR CARDS PROPERLY . $
GOOD LUCK . $
03 MRS MOUSE , ARE YOU WITHIN ? $
01 YES , KIND SIR , I AM SITTING TO SPIN . $
03 THE YOUNGER CUNLIFFES ARE OUT IN THE STREET , SINGING AGN
OSTIC CHRISTMAS CAROLS . $
01 WHAT FUN . $
03 ' COME , ALL YE FAITHFUL ' - SPECIALLY ARRANGED FOR HOLLA
ND PARK . $
01 YOU 'RE MAKING IT UP ! $
03 I FEEL FUNNY . $
01 OH ? $
03 WE HAD AN OFFICE PARTY TODAY ... I 'M AFRAID I WAS A BIT
NAUGHTY . $
01 HOB ! $
YOU WERE KISSING THE GIRLS ! $
03 NOT ALL OF THEM . $
01 REALLY ! $
03 ONLY THE NEW TELEPHONIST ,AND SHE HAD A GO AT EVERYBODY .
 $
01 THAT 'S YOUR STORY . $
03 HONESTLY , I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER NAME . $
01 THAT ONLY MAKES IT MORE ... SORDID . $
03 I COULDN'T HELP IT . $
THEY HAD THOSE THINGS DANGLING EVERYWHERE . $
01 WHAT THINGS ? $
03 MISTLETOES . $
01 THAT 'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY . $
03 SORRY , MUMMY . $
01 ' MUMMY ' ? $
03 I 'LL DISROBE . $
UH , I FEEL A BIT GIDDY . $
01 YOU 'RE DRUNK , MY BOY , THAT 'S WHAT 'S WRONG WITH YOU .
 $
03 NO WORSE THAN THE OTHERS . $
01 IF PEOPLE KNEW HOW THE TAXPAYERS' MONEY WAS SPENT ... $
03 WE PROVIDED THE BOOZE OURSELVES . $
FROM A CHRISTMAS POOL . $
BY THE WAY , I DIDN'T WIN IN THE SWEEPSTAKE , AS USUAL . $
' HAPPY EVENT ' NEVER CAME IN . $
WASTE OF GOOD MONEY . $
02 SORRY TO DISTURB . $
THERE 'S YOUR CHANGE . $
I 'VE A WITNESS THAT I DIDN'T POCKET ANY . $
01 KEEP IT . $
02 EH ? $
01 CHRISTMAS BONUS . $
BEER MONEY . $
02 THANKS . $
THANKS A LOT . $
WELL , I GUESS I 'D BETTER BE OFF - $
03 WHAT 'S THE HURRY ? $
02 NIGHT SCHOOL . $
EMBROIDERY CLASS . $
03 BEFORE YOU GO , LISTEN TO THIS : WHAT DOES THE NEGRO SAY
WHEN HE CROSSES ON A ZEBRA CROSSING ? $
' NOW YOU SEE ME , NOW YOU DON'T ; NOW YOU SEE ME , NOW YOU
... DON'T - $
02 VERY FUNNY . $
I 'M ORF . $
SO LONG , FOLKS . $
03 CAN'T IMAGINE EMMA DOING EMBROIDERY ... $
01 YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE . $
03 A DARK HORSE , YOUR SISTER . $
HER IDEA ? $
01 NO , MINE . $
03 I SEE . $
01 TONIC OR ORANGE ? $
03 WEE DROP OF TONIC , IF YOU 'VE GOT IT . $
ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT ? $
01 FINE ] $
THERE . $
03 WHAT 'S ALL THIS DRINK IN AID OF $
01 CHEERS ] $
03 STEADY ON . $
01 DRINK UP . $
TO CHRISTMAS GOOD CHEER . $
GO ON . $
KNOCK IT BACK ! $
WHAT 'S THE MATTER WITH YOU , MAN ? $
03 WE HAD WINE AT THE OFFICE . $
IT DOESN'T DO TO MIX - $
03 HEY - YOU 'LL MAKE YOURSELF ILL ! $
01 SHUT UP . $
IT 'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS . $
CHEERS ! $
03 WHAT 'S GOT INTO YOU ? $
YOU 'RE ACTING MOST PECULIAR - $
01 OH , DEAR ... $
03 YOU SEE . $
I WARNED YOU . $
01 KISS ME . $
03 YOU ARE SURE YOU 'RE FEELING ALL RIGHT ? $
01 KISS ME ! $
03 WITH PLEASURE . $
THERE . $
01 UNBUTTON MY DRESS ! $
03 NOW REALLY ! $
01 WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $
COLD FEET ? $
03 WELL , IT 'S SO UNLIKE YOU - $
01 SO WHAT ? $
A CHANGE IS AS GOOD AS A HOLIDAY . $
03 BUT WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU - $
01 SSH ! $
DON'T ASK QUESTIONS . $
A SPECIAL TREAT , RIGHT ? $
03 IT 'S SO EARLY IN THE EVENING . $
I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO SETTLE DOWN . $
01 TOO BLOODY BAD . $
03 NITA ! $
THAT 'S NOT LIKE MY MRS MOUSE ! $
01 THAT 'S NOTHING - I 'M FED UP WITH BEING MRS MOUSE . $
03 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ? $
BAD , BAD GIRL ... $
01 COME ON - CUT THE COMMERCIALS ! $
LET 'S GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH . $
03 YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE SOME UNPLEASANT CHORE . $
01 WHO 'S BEING SENSITIVE ? $
03 HONESTLY , NITA - $
01 WHO 'S PLAYING HARD TO GET ? $
03 IF THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE - $
01 YOU 'VE BEEN UNFAITHFUL , HAVEN'T YOU ? $
IT WAS THAT TELEPHONIST-TART , WASN'T IT ? $
THAT SWITCHBOARD-STRUMPET ? $
03 I SWEAR TO YOU THAT LAUREEN AND I - $
01 OH , SO IT 'S LAUREEN , IS IT ? $
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME ! $
03 I DIDN'T . $
I 'D FORGOTTEN - $
01 YOU 'VE COMMITTED THE SIN OF THE FLESH - $
03 OH , REALLY , NITA - I HAVEN'T . $
01 WITH A GIRL CALLED LAUREEN . $
WHAT DID YOU DO : STAND HER AGAINST THE SWITCHBOARD OR LAY H
ER ON THE DESK , WITH THE INCOMING MAIL ? $
03 LIES , LIES , LIES . $
DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER . $
01 ALL RIGHT , THEN . $
YOU MAY UNBUTTON MY DRESS . $
03 YES , OF COURSE . $
NOT QUITE SO COLD TODAY . $
01 QUITE WARM REALLY , CONSIDERING THE TIME OF YEAR . $
03 YESTERDAY I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO SNOW . $
01 WE HAVEN'T HAD A WHITE CHRISTMAS FOR AGES . $
03 NO . $
TEMPERATURES HAVEN'T BEEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU 'D CALL THE SEASO
NAL AVERAGE . $
01 MIND YOU , THERE 'S A COLD FRONT COMING IN FROM ICELAND .
 $
03 TRUE . $
BUT THERE 'S ALSO A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE TRAVELLING ACROSS
 THE ATLANTIC . $
#44 $
01 IT 'S ALL JUST A QUESTION OF WHICH GETS HERE FIRST . $
03 PRECISELY . $
01 WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING ? $
03 OH , SORRY . $
FORCE OF HABIT . $
01 FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TIME US . $
03 I CONSIDER THAT A MOST INDELICATE OBSERVATION . $
01 BEG PARDON . $
03 NEARLY READY . $
01 NO RUSH . $
03 NITA - $
01 OOOH ... $
I 'M SORRY . $
IT 'S NOTHING PERSONAL . $
03 YOU 'RE PLAYING SOME ELABORATE PRANK ON ME , AREN'T YOU ?
 $
01 NO , I 'M NOT . $
03 WELL , I 'M NOT PLAYING ! $
01 YOU 'RE NOT ... GETTING DRESSED AGAIN ? $
03 YES , I JOLLY WELL AM . $
01 NO ! $
NO - WAIT A MINUTE ... $
03 ISOLDE ! $
01 HOB , IT 'S ME ! $
OPEN YOUR EYES ! $
03 ISOLDE ... $
01 THIS IS THE GIDDY LIMIT . $
NOW STOP THAT ! $
03 SHALL I NEVER HEAR THE END ? $
01 YOU WENT ALL ABSTRACT THEN . $
03 CONDITIONED REFLEX . $
01 HEAVEN HELP US IF YOU GET LIKE THIS AT COVENT GARDEN . $
IT 'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU JOIN IN THE SINGING ! $
03 I DON'T JOIN IN THE - $
01 OH YES YOU DO , AND IT 'S MOST EMBARRASSING FOR ME - ESPE
CIALLY WHEN IT 'S THE SOPRANO PARTS . $
03 DON'T TALK SO MUCH . $
01 OW ! $
YOU HURT ME . $
03 SORRY . $
01 YOU SCRATCHED ME WITH YOUR CUFF LINKS ! $
03 WHERE ? $
01 THERE . $
03 KISS IT BETTER . $
I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU . $
01 I 'LL SURVIVE . $
03 COME TO BED . $
01 WAIT A MINUTE ! $
03 WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME IN THAT FUNNY WAY ? $
01 DO YOU LOVE ME ? $
03 OF COURSE I DO . $
01 IT 'S NO GOOD . $
I CAN'T DO IT . $
03 WHAT - ? $
01 I CAN'T DO IT ! $
03 ANITA - DARLING - $
01 NO , DON'T TOUCH ME ! $
03 ALL RIGHT . $
01 WHAT WOULD BE THE VERY WORST THING I COULD TELL YOU ? $
03 MOTHER - ? $
01 NO . $
03 THANK GOD FOR THAT . $
I THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE SHE 'D FOUND OUT - $
01 SHE HASN'T - $
03 YOU GAVE ME QUITE A SHOCK . $
01 I 'M PREGNANT . $
03 PARDON ? $
01 YOU HEARD . $
03 HOW - ? $
01 IT 'S NOT YOURS , HOB . $
IT 'S SEAN'S . $
I SLEPT WITH HIM THAT NIGHT HE CAME BACK , AFTER THE PARTY .
 $
IT WASN'T PLANNED OR ANYTHING - IT HAPPENED ON THE SPUR OF T
HE MOMENT . $
IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING . $
I 'M NOT MAKING ANY EXCUSES . $
I HAVEN'T ANY . $
03 CHRISTMAS SURPRISE ... $
01 I 'M SORRY , HOB . $
I 'M SORRY - REALLY I AM . $
03 DON'T MENTCH . $
04 WHAT A TAKE-ON , FOLKS ! $
WHAT A TAKE-ON ! $
02 HELLO , BATTY . $
YOU SOUND AS THOUGH YOU HAD COTTON WOOL IN YOUR MOUTH . $
04 I HAVE . $
02 GOD , YOU GAVE ME A SHOCK ! $
YOU DIDN'T WALK THROUGH THE STREETS - $
04 I DID . $
02 WHAT HAPPENED ? $
04 BOURGEOIS PLUTOCRAT ... $
02 WHO ? $
04 THE HEAD OF DEPARTMENT . $
CRYPTO-FASCIST HYENA - $
02 I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HIM . $
04 OH , HE WAS NICE ENOUGH TO ME WHEN IT SUITED HIM . $
YESTERDAY HE WAS ALL OVER ME : ' AS FROM TODAY YOU 'RE DEPUT
Y FATHER CHRISTMAS . $
AN UNPRECEDENTED HONOUR , MR BATHURST . ' $
02 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS ? $
04 PADDY CONKED OUT TODAY . $
OVERWORK . $
NERVOUS STRESS . $
THERE HAD BEEN QUITE A NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS . $
02 WHAT SORT ? $
04 DISCOURTESY . $
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR . $
SLURRED DICTION . $
THINGS CAME TO A HEAD WHEN HE TRIED TO MAKE A DATE WITH ONE
OF THE MOTHERS . $
02 AND YOU ? $
04 HAD NO IDEA THAT ANYTHING WAS UP . $
I 'D SPENT A CONVIVIAL HOUR WITH SOME COMRADES IN A PUB , RE
TURNED ALL UNSUSPECTING - AND THEY PRACTICALLY TORE MY CLOTH
ES OFF ME , STUCK ME IN THESE ROBES , PUSHED ME INTO THE GRO
TTO , AND TOLD ME TO GET ON WITH IT . $
02 DID YOU COPE ? $
04 AT FIRST IT WENT SWIMMINGLY . $
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL RIGHT IF THAT TOFFEE-NOSED KID HADN'T
 REFUSED TO SHAKE HANDS WITH ME . $
' MOTHER , I DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE REAL FATHER CHRISTMAS
 - HE REEKS OF WHISKY ' $
I WAS EXTREMELY PATIENT - EXPLAINED HOW COLD THE NORTH POLE
WAS , AND HOW ONE HAD TO STOKE UP A LITTLE TO AVOID FREEZING
 TO DEATH . $
DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID ? $
02 WHAT ? $
04 ' THIS ISN'T THE NORTH POLE . $
IT 'S SOUTH KENSINGTON . ' $
SO I LET HIM HAVE IT . $
THAT KID HEARD A FEW HOME TRUTHS . $
02 GOOD FOR YOU . $
04 THEN I GOT UP - TOOK A SWIPE AT A STUFFED REINDEER , AND
WALKED OUT . $
LOTS OF KIDDIES WAVED AT ME IN THE STREET . $
QUITE A FEW ASKED FOR MY AUTOGRAPH . $
02 CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING ? $
04 DID YOUR SISTER PHONE ? $
02 NO . $
04 IT BOTHERS ME ... I HOPE THEY DON'T HOLD HER RESPONSIBLE
, THE POOR LASS HAS ENOUGH ON HER PLATE ... $
DOES SHE KNOW THAT YOU TOLD ME ? $
02 GOD - NO ! $
SHE 'D KILL ME . $
04 HAVE YOU TRIED - ? $
02 YES . $
RESULT AS EXPECTED . $
04 GONE - ? $
02 WITHOUT TRACE . $
NO FORWARDING ADDRESS . $
LANDLADY THINKS HE 'S GONE BACK TO BARBADOS . $
04 SHE WOULD . $
02 NITA BLAMES ME , YOU KNOW . $
SHE TOLD ME SO . $
FOR BRINGING HIM HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE . $
04 ONE CAN'T FORESEE THE FUTURE - $
02 IT 'S FATE , REALLY , ISN'T IT ? $
04 NO . $
NEVER BLAME FATE . $
FATE IS THE ALIBI OF THE IMPERIALIST OPPRESSOR . $
#63 $
02 I DON'T BLAME FATE . $
I BLAME HOB . $
04 AND I BLAME MYSELF ! $
02 WHY SHOULD YOU ? $
04 I DON'T KNOW . $
I FEEL I 'VE LET HER DOWN , SOMEHOW . $
BUT I SHAN'T LET MATTERS REST . $
I SHALL - $
02 SSH ! $
THERE SHE IS . $
NOT A WORD NOW . $
01 BATTY : WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ? $
04 I 'M TERRIBLY SORRY - $
01 THE WHOLE STORE 'S IN STITCHES . $
THE NEWS SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE . $
04 WHAT DID THEY SAY ? $
01 HE WAS CHANTING POLITICAL SLOGANS AT A CHILD OF EIGHT . $
HE TOLD HIM THAT FATHER CHRISTMAS WAS A CAPITALIST MYTH ! $
04 DID I SAY THAT ? $
01 AND THEN HE TOTTERED OFF IN FULL REGALIA , BLIND DRUNK !
$
04 I COMPLETELY FORGOT I HAD IT ON . $
02 HE NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK . $
01 BATTY , CAN YOU HEAR ME ? $
04 YES . $
01 I HAVE STRICT INSTRUCTIONS TO TELL YOU TO RETURN THE RIG-
OUT NEXT WEEK AND YOU 'LL GET YOUR PAY PACKET . $
NO ACTION WILL BE TAKEN . $
04 WHAT DID THEY DO - ? $
01 THE MANAGER TOOK OVER AND PUT ON A SPARE COSTUME - BUT UN
KNOWN TO HIM , THE HEAD BUYER HAD DONE THE SAME . $
THE MET FACE TO FACE IN THE GROTTO - TWO FATHER CHRISTMASSES
 ! $
02 WHAT HAPPENED ? $
01 THE CHILDREN CHEERED , AND THE MANAGER SAID THE SECOND SA
NTA WAS HIS TWIN BROTHER FROM LAPLAND , COME TO HELP OUT IN
THE RUSH . $
BY THE WAY , HERE 'S YOUR JACKET . $
YOU LEFT IT BEHIND . $
04 OH , YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CARRIED IT ALL THAT WAY IN YOUR C
ONDITION - $
02 I 'M DREADFULLY SORRY - $
01 OH , THAT 'S ALL RIGHT . $
I DON'T MIND HIM KNOWING . $
04 OF COURSE NOT . $
ANYWAY , I 'M THRILLED BY THE NEWS . $
CONGRATULATIONS . $
01 THANK YOU . $
YOU 'RE THE FIRST PERSON WHO HASN'T TREATED IT AS A DISASTER
 . $
04 DISASTER ? $
WHAT COULD BE NICER - $
02 OH , THIS IT TOO MUCH - $
01 WHAT 'S THE MATTER ? $
02 I CAN'T STAND EVERYONE BEING SO CHEERFUL ! $
01 OH , REALLY - $
04 THIS IS THE FESTIVAL OF REBIRTH . $
IN PAGAN TIMES IT WAS A CELEBRATION TO HERALD THE COMING OF
SPRING . $
THE TREE IS A FERTILITY SYMBOL , YOU SEE - $
02 YES , WELL YOU TWO CAN CELEBRATE THE JOYS OF MOTHERHODD -
 I 'M GOING OUT FOR A DRINK . $
04 IS ANYTHING WRONG ? $
02 OH NO ! $
THERE 'S THE LITTLE MATTER OF A MISSING FATHER , OF COURSE ,
 BUT YOU NEEDN'T WORRY YOUR HEADS OVER THAT - JUST LEAVE ME
TO HAVE THE ULCERS ! $
01 TEMPER ! $
SHE GETS AWFULLY NERVOUS . $
04 HIGHLY STRUNG . $
I HOPE WE HAVEN'T CHASED THE WEE LASS AWAY . $
01 SHE 'LL BE BACK . $
04 ANYWAY , I 'M GLAD OF THE OPPORTUNITY OF A CHAT . $
01 YES ... $
04 ALTHOUGH I 'M NOT WHAT ONE MIGHT CALL STONE COLD SOBER -
$
01 YES , BATTY - ? $
04 THE FACT THAT I 'M NOT SOBER IS NOT UNCONNECTED WITH WHAT
 I HAVE TO SAY . $
01 YOU 'RE NOT ALL THAT BAD . $
IT DOESN'T REALLY SHOW - $
04 I DIDN'T MEAN THAT - $
01 EVERYBODY GETS A WEE BIT TIDDLY ON CHRISTMAS EVE . $
04 ANITA - I WANT TO TALK TO YOU - ABOUT BUNTY . $
01 OH . $
04 I DON'T SAY MUCH ABOUT HER AS A RULE , BUT YOU KNOW , OF
COURSE , THAT SHE 'S BEEN - IN THE BACKGROUND - FOR SOME TIM
E NOW ? $
01 OF COURSE , IN BULGARIA . $
HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER LATELY ? $
04 NOT FOR ABOUT A YEAR . $
01 OH DEAR . $
DO YOU THINK SHE 'LL BE BACK ONE DAY SOON ? $
04 I DON'T CARE - NOT ANY MORE . $
01 DON'T SAY THAT ! $
NEVER GIVE UP HOPE . $
04 YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND . $
I 'M NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR . $
YOU SEE , BUNTY AND I WERE NOT MARRIED . $
01 OH , REALLY ? $
04 BUNTY HAD MORAL SCRUPLES . $
IT WAS A SORT OF COMPANION MARRIAGE . $
01 OF COURSE , I NEVER REALLY GOT TO KNOW HER - $
04 SHE APPROVED OF YOU . $
YOU 'RE ALIKE IN MANY WAYS . $
SIMILAR BUILD . $
01 I SUPPOSE WE ARE . $
OH , THAT MUST BE HOB ! $
HOB , IS THAT YOU ? $
OH , I 'M SO GLAD ... $
03 WHAT A NICE WELCOME ! $
NO - DON'T TELL ME - KARL MARX ! $
04 WHEN 'S YOUR MUMMY TAKING YOU TO SEE ME ? $
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS - A TOY TRAIN , OR A CUDDLY T
EDDY BEAR ? $
03 OH , SARCASM ! $
ON CHRISTMAS EVE ! $
TUT-TUT . $
04 I 'LL BE UPSTAIRS . $
GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU WANT ME . $
03 WHAT 'S HE DOING , ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THAT ? $
INSPECTING THE CHIMNEY ? $
01 OH , HOB , IT 'S SO NICE HAVING YOU BACK ! $
03 I 'VE BEEN WORKING JOLLY HARD ON YOUR BEHALF - $
01 IT WAS SO SWEET OF YOU TO RING ME AT THE STORE - YOU 'VE
NEVER DONE IT BEFORE . $
03 I HAD A JOB GETTING THROUGH TO YOU . $
01 I KNOW . $
WE 'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE PRIVATE CALLS DURING WORKING HOU
RS , BUT I DIDN'T CARE ! $
THERE WAS SUCH A DIN , I COULD HARDLY HEAR - $
03 ' DON'T WORRY . $
EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT . $
SEE YOU AS USUAL . ' $
01 IT WAS REALLY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO RING . $
THE NICEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN ME . $
03 LOOK , I HAVEN'T HAD ANY TEA TODAY , AND I 'M A BIT EXHAU
STED - DO YOU MIND IF - $
01 OH , OF COURSE - POOR DARLING . $
SIT DOWN . $
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ? $
03 CAN I BE A PIG ? $
01 A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH ? $
THOUGHT SO . $
03 ON BROWN BREAD ! $
01 ONE OR TWO SANDWICHES ? $
03 OH , ONE 'S ENOUGH . $
I DAREN'T HAVE MORE . $
HER MAJESTY 'S LAID ON A CHRISTMAS FEAST . $
01 THERE WE ARE , KIND SIR ! $
THERE 'S QUICK SERVICE FOR YOU . $
03 YUMMEE . $
01 GOSH , YOU MUST BE HUNGRY ! $
03 I AM . $
MM , THIS IS GOOD - $
01 SURE I CAN'T TEMPT YOU TO ANOTHER ? $
03 LET 'S TALK . $
THE LITTLE MATTER RAISED LAST NIGHT . $
01 SHOOT . $
03 WELL , AS YOU PROBABLY REALISED , I WASN'T ANY TOO HAPPY
ABOUT THE PIECE OF NEWS YOU IMPARTED TO ME . $
01 OF COURSE NOT . $
IT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AWFUL SHOCK . $
03 BUT , EVER ZEALOUS AND PRACTICAL , I SAID TO MYSELF : ' S
OMETHING MUST BE DONE ! ' $
01 GOOD . $
03 SO , I HAD THIS BRILLIANT IDEA ... $
NO , HONESTLY , IT WAS QUITE A BRAINWAVE - IT CAME TO ME ABO
UT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING - I 'LL HAVE A CHAT WITH THE
CUNLIFFES ! $
I MEAN : THEY SIT ON ALL THESE COMMITTEES , THEY KNOW ALL AB
OUT SOCIAL PROBLEMS , THEY 'RE SENSIBLE , WORLDLY PEOPLE ...
 I GOT THERE AFTER LUNCH : THEY 'D JUST FINISHED THEIR GERMI
NATED WHEAT . $
01 WHAT DID SHE SAY ? $
03 WELL , TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT : SHE 'S WILLING TO ADOP
T IT . $
AT BIRTH . $
01 I SEE . $
03 SHE SAID THAT ONE MORE OR LESS WOULDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFEREN
CE . $
' THE MORE , THE MERRIER . ' $
01 I 'D HAVE TO MOVE . $
03 WHY ? $
#64 $
01 I COULDN'T LIVE PRACTICALLY NEXT DOOR TO MY OWN - $
03 OH . $
HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT . $
WELL , IT 'S A MINOR DETAIL - $
01 WAS HER HUSBAND THERE ? $
03 BOB JOINED US LATER . $
HE WAS VERY JOCULAR . $
SAID IT WAS ALL THE FAULT OF THE PUNCH HE BREWED AT HALLOWE'
EN . $
SAID HE MADE IT EXTRA POTENT WITH A MAGIC INGREDIENT . $
01 YOU TOLD THEM IT WAS - $
03 OH , YES . $
THEY DON'T MIND THAT . $
JUST ADDS ANOTHER SHADE OF BEIGE TO THE COLLECTION . $
WELL , WHAT DO YOU SAY ? $
01 I DON'T KNOW - $
03 YOU 'D BETTER MAKE A PRETTY QUICK DECISION , OR THE OPTIO
N MIGHT RUN OUT . $
01 I NEED TIME . $
03 OH , BY THE WAY , IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO US , IF
 THAT 'S WHAT 'S WORRYING YOU . $
I MEAN , I 'LL STILL COME ROUND ON TUESDAYS AND FRIDAYS AS U
SUAL . $
OF COURSE , IT 'LL AFFECT OUR HOLIDAY PLANS . $
01 YES ... $
03 YOU DON'T SOUND VERY ENTHUSIASTIC . $
I THOUGHT I 'D DONE RATHER WELL . $
01 I 'M SURE YOU TRIED YOUR BEST . $
03 I GAVE UP PRACTICALLY MY ENTIRE DAY - $
01 DON'T THINK I DON'T APPRECIATE IT - BECAUSE I DON'T ! $
03 I 'M SORRY - $
01 YOU CAN'T DISPOSE OF A CHILD AS THOUGH IT WERE - $
03 I WAS ONLY TRYING TO HELP - $
01 IT 'S MY CHILD . $
I 'M THE ONE TO DECIDE . $
YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE A PRESENT OF IT TO THE CUNLIFFES ! $
03 I WAS ONLY EXPLORING THE POSSIBILITIES - $
01 YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS CHILD - $
03 I 'M AWARE OF THAT ! $
01 I 'M SORRY , BUT WHEN YOU RANG AT WORK , I THOUGHT ... $
OH , I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT . $
I MUST HAVE BEEN MAD . $
03 SINCE YOU 'VE MADE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT YOU ALONE CAN
 MAKE A DECISION , MIGHT ONE BE PERMITTED TO ENQUIRE WHAT IT
 IS ? $
01 I 'LL HAVE TO GET RID OF IT . $
03 I SEE . $
01 DEEP DOWN , I KNEW IT ALL ALONG . $
IT 'S JUST A QUESTION OF MONEY . $
03 YES . $
UNDER NORMAL CONDITIONS I 'D HAVE BEEN DELIGHTED TO HELP , B
UT I DO THINK OUR FRIEND SHOULD BE MADE TO CONTRIBUTE - $
02 OH ... $
HELLO . $
03 OH , HELLO . $
02 WOULD YOU RATHER I LEFT ? $
03 YES . $
01 NO , I 'D LIKE YOU TO STAY . $
02 DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT . $
03 DOES HE KNOW - YOUR FRIEND ? $
01 NO . $
03 SHOULD HE NOT BE INFORMED ? $
FOR ALL WE KNOW , HE 'S LEFT A TRAIL OF UNWANTED CHILDREN -
$
02 HE 'S MOVED . $
01 HOW DO YOU KNOW ? $
02 I WENT ROUND THERE YESTERDAY . $
JUST A SOCIAL CALL . $
03 WHERE 'S HE GONE ? $
02 HE DIDN'T LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS . $
03 YOU SEE ! $
THAT 'S THE SORT OF CHARACTER WE 'RE DEALING WITH ! $
I THINK WE 'D BETTER PUT THE POLICE ON TO HIM ... $
01 YOU 'LL DO NO SUCH THING ! $
EMMA , WOULD YOU MIND ASKING BATTY TO COME DOWN FOR A MINUTE
 ? $
HE 'S UPSTAIRS . $
02 SURE . $
03 I 'D GLADLY GIVE YOU THE MONEY , BUT - AS YOU KNOW - I HA
VE THE MORTGAGE TO PAY OFF , NOT TO MENTION THE FRIDGE AND M
OTHER'S WHEEL CHAIR - $
01 I QUITE UNDERSTAND . $
03 BESIDES THERE 'S A PRINCIPLE INVOLVED - $
01 BATTY WILL LEND ME THE MONEY . $
03 I MIGHT BE PREPARED TO GUARANTEE THE LOAN - $
01 I DON'T THINK THAT 'LL BE NECESSARY . $
I 'D HATE TO JEOPARDISE YOUR MOTHER'S WHEELCHAIR . $
04 HERE WE ARE ! $
HERE WE ARE ! $
BATTY TO THE RESCUE ! $
01 BATTY , COULD YOU LEND ME A HUNDRED POUNDS ? $
04 CERTAINLY . $
WOULD YOU LIKE IT IN CASH , OR WILL YOU TAKE A CHEQUE ? $
01 IT 'S NOT ALL THAT URGENT . $
A CHEQUE WILL DO . $
04 WHATEVER YOU SAY . $
01 THANK YOU , BATTY , YOU 'RE A DEAR . $
04 ANYTHING ELSE ? $
03 YES . $
YOU CAN STOP INTERFERING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS . $
01 HOB , PLEASE - $
02 BLOODY AUDACITY ! $
03 I 'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH FROM YOU ! $
SNEAKING ABOUT , INSINUATING YOURSELF . $
DROPPING IN AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY AND NIGHT - $
01 I INVITED BATTY - $
03 OH , YES , I 'M FULLY AWARE YOU MADE HIM WELCOME . $
TO PUT IT POLITELY , ONE MIGHT SAY THESE PREMISES ARE FAMED
FOR A CERTAIN TYPE OF HOSPITALITY . $
01 OH ! $
04 ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT NITA KEEPS A DISORDERLY HOUSE ? $
03 WELL , YOU OUGHT TO KNOW . $
02 DON'T STAND FOR IT ! $
HIT HIM ! $
04 - OR , IN OTHER WORDS , THAT I ASSIST IN THE MANAGEMENT O
F A BROTHEL ? $
03 CALL IT WHAT YOU LIKE . $
YOU KNOW BLOODY WELL WHAT I MEAN . $
02 DON'T PUT UP WITH IT ! $
04 NOT SO FAST , LASSIE . $
GIVE HIM ENOUGH ROPE - HE CONDEMNS HIMSELF WITH EVERY WORD H
E UTTERS . $
02 YOU MIGHT AT LEAST HELP HIM ON HIS WAY . $
04 I KNOW . $
I KNOW . $
' THE ENEMY WILL NOT PERISH OF HIMSELF . ' $
BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT . $
WE ARE WITNESSING THE SPECTACLE OF AN EVIL AND OBSOLETE MECH
ANISM GRINDING ITSELF TO INEVITABLE DESTRUCTION , DUE TO THE
 IRRECONCILABLE ANOMALIES INHERENT IN ITS STRUCTURE . $
03 THE MAN 'S TOTALLY BEFUDDLED ! - $
04 I HAVE NEVER SEEN A MORE STRIKING DEMONSTRATION OF THE TR
UTH OF MARXIST-LENINIST DOCTRINE . $
03 HE 'S IN A HAZE OF ALCOHOL AND HOT AIR ! $
WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS LIKE A GOOD LAD , AND SLEEP IT OFF
 ? $
02 OH , FOR GOD'S SAKE - $
04 LET HIM TAUNT ME , LET HIM TRY TO PROVOKE - $
03 BET YOU ANYTHING HE HASN'T GOT A HUNDRED QUID ! $
02 WE 'LL SEE ! $
03 I CAME HERE WITH AN EXCELLENT , PRACTICAL PLAN - $
04 WHICH I OPPOSE . $
03 YOU WHAT ? $
04 YOU HEARD . $
I OPPOSE IT . $
03 YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS ! $
04 I OPPOSE IT ON PRINCIPLE ! $
AS WE SAY IN CHINA : ' WE SUPPORT WHATEVER THE ENEMY OPPOSES
 AND OPPOSE WHATEVER HE SUPPORTS . ' $
03 EITHER THIS MAN GOES OR I GO . $
WHICH IS IT TO BE ? $
04 DON'T YOU DARE BLACKMAIL THE LASS ! $
03 SHUT UP . $
04 WHAT DID YOU SAY - ? $
03 HOLD YOUR TONGUE ! $
OR , IF YOU PREFER THE VERNACULAR - SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKE-HO
LE ! $
04 NOW LISTEN HERE , MY LAD , IF YOU WANT YOUR FACE BASHED I
N - $
02 GO ON , BATTY , HIT HIM ! $
03 FOR THE LAST TIME , WILL YOU GET RID OF THIS OAF ! $
01 NO ! $
I 'M SORRY , HOB , BUT I THINK IT MIGHT BE BETTER FOR EVERYO
NE CONCERNED IF YOU WENT HOME . $
YOUR MOTHER'S DINNER WILL BE RUINED . $
03 IT 'S RUINED ANYWAY . $
01 I 'M SORRY . $
03 I MIGHT DROP IN LATER . $
01 IF HE DOES , I SHAN'T OPEN . $
04 WELL SPOKEN . $
02 AMEN TO THAT . $
04 WELL , IT 'S CHRISTMAS EVE . $
HOW ABOUT A WEE CELEBRATION ? $
01 I FEEL ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED . $
04 YOU TAKE IT EASY , LASS . $
YOU 'VE GOT TO LOOK AFTER YOURSELF . $
I THINK I HAVE A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER TUCKED AWAY IN SANTA
'S SACK . $
AYE - A BOTTLE AND THREE CRACKERS - ONE EACH ! $
02 WELL DONE , BATTY ! $
04 I 'LL GET A CORKSCREW . $
02 YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT ON YOUR FATHER CHRISTMAS GEAR ! $
#65 $
04 NEVER AGAIN . $
ONCE WAS ENOUGH . $
02 HOW ... HOW DO YOU FEEL ? $
01 I DON'T KNOW . $
02 STUNNED ? $
01 NO . $
SORT OF EMPTY - ' DRAINED OF ALL EMOTION ' . $
IT 'S QUITE A PLEASANT FEELING . $
PEACEFUL . $
02 I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN . $
04 NOW THEN - $
01 NONE FOR ME , PLEASE . $
04 OH , COME ON , NOW . $
JUST A WEE DROP . $
01 ALL RIGHT , JUST A SIP . $
04 THAT 'S BETTER . $
01 OH , BEFORE WE START BOOZING , I 'D BETTER GIVE YOU YOUR
PRESENTS . $
04 PRESENTS ! $
I 'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T - $
01 OH , THAT 'S ALL RIGHT , BATTY , YOU BROUGHT THE WINE - $
04 I 'M VERY SORRY . $
IF I 'D THOUGHT - $
01 THIS IS FOR YOU . $
04 THANKS A LOT . $
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ... I MEAN , I HAVE NOTHING ... $
OH , IT 'S BEAUTIFUL - JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED ! $
01 AND THIS IS FOR YOU . $
02 WELL , NOW ... $
I SAW THIS THING IN A WINDOW - I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT IT IS ,
 BECAUSE IT WOULD TAKE AWAY THE SURPRISE - BUT IT WAS A BIT
BEYOND MY REACH , IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN . $
SO I 'VE GOT IT EARMARKED FOR YOU , AND AS SOON AS I ... $
IT REALLY DOES EXIST , HONESTLY , CROSS MY HEART AND HOPE YO
U DIE ... $
JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS ... $
SORRY AND ALL THAT . $
01 AREN'T YOU GOING TO OPEN IT ? $
02 YES , OF COURSE . $
SORRY . $
OH LOVELY ! $
A MANICURE SET ! $
ISN'T IT A PRETTY COLOUR : TARTAN - $
01 MIND YOU USE IT ! $
04 THAT 'S THE MCTAVISH TARTAN , I THINK . $
I 'M PRETTY SURE IT IS . $
02 THANKS A LOT . $
04 AYE , AND ME , TOO . $
01 I BOUGHT THIS FOR HOB . $
SHAVE LOTION AND DEODORANT . $
IT WAS THE SAME MAKE EVERY YEAR - HE USED TO CALL IT ' OLD M
ICE ' . $
HE WAS VERY CONSERVATIVE . $
02 GIVE IT TO A SUITABLE CHARITY ; WHAT ABOUT THE RSPCA ? $
04 MAYBE THIS IS AS GOOD AN OCCASION AS ANY TO SAY WHAT I 'V
E BEEN WANTING TO SAY . $
I 'VE HAD A FEW TOTS , I ADMIT , BUT I 'M SOUND OF MIND I DO
 ASSURE YOU . $
IT 'S NOT A SUDDEN DECISION - I 'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR SOM
E TIME , THOUGH YOU COULD SAY THAT EVENTS HAVE PLAYED INTO M
Y HANDS . $
ONE MUST BE CONSTANTLY ALERT TO THE OPPORTUNITIES PRESENTED
BY HISTORY AND EXPLOIT THEM RIGOROUSLY IN THE CAUSE . $
THEREFORE , IF YOU WISH TO CONFORM TO BOURGEOIS TRADITION -
AND , DON'T GET ME WRONG , I 'M NOT CRITICISING IT IN THIS I
NSTANCE - I SHOULD BE HONOURED TO GIVE YOUR UNBORN CHILD THE
 NAME OF BATHURST , FOR WHAT IT 'S WORTH , AND TO REGARD IT
AS MY OWN . $
WHAT SAY YOU ? $
ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR ... $
02 NITA - $
01 YES ? $
02 I THINK THE MAN 'S PROPOSED TO YOU . $
01 HAVE YOU , BATTY ? $
HOW - $
04 I MADE SO BOLD - $
01 - ABSOLUTELY SWEET OF YOU ! $
04 I MEANT IT , TOO . $
YOU NEEDN'T DECIDE STRAIGHT AWAY ... $
01 THANK YOU , BATTY . $
04 IT 'S NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE WEE BAIRN ; I 'VE BEEN WAIT
ING FOR YEARS ... I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE , BECAUSE I FIRMLY BE
LIEVED THAT HISTORY WAS ON MY SIDE , THAT THE WHEELS WERE TU
RNING RELENTLESSLY ... $
02 I 'M GOING TO AMERICA IN TEN DAYS . $
TO NEW JERSEY , TO LOOK AFTER A COUPLE OF KIDS . $
I FINALISED THIS MORNING . $
01 WHAT DID YOU SAY ? $
02 SKIP IT . $
01 YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING - $
02 YES , TO AMERICA . $
IN TEN DAYS . $
YOU KNOW : THE BRAIN DRAIN . $
04 HERE 'S HOPING YOU WON'T BE AWAY TOO LONG ! $
01 02 ARE YOU KIDDING ? $
04 LET 'S PULL THE CRACKERS ! $
01 YES , LET 'S ! $
04 WHAT A CHRISTMAS ! $
WHAT A MEMORABLE DAY ! $
LOOK - A WEE WHISTLE ! $
I CAN USE THAT - AS A RESERVE . $
02 LOOK - NITA 'S GOT A MINIATURE RATTLE . $
01 WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY ... COINCIDENCE . $
04 THE HAND OF FATE ! $
EMMA'S TURN . $
MAYBE YOU 'LL GET THE STATUE OF LIBERTY ! $
02 THERE 'S NOTHING - IT 'S A DUD . $
04 OH , COME ON - $
01 MAYBE IT 'S FALLEN OUT . $
LOOK ON THE FLOOR . $
02 IT 'S NO USE , I TELL YOU . $
IT 'S A SIGN . $
A PROPHECY OF THINGS TO COME : I GET THE MESSAGE . $
04 LET 'S READ THE JOKES . $
MINE SAYS : ' YOUNG HOUSEWIFE : IS THIS MILK FRESH ? $
GROCER : FRESH ? $
WHY , THREE HOURS AGO IT WAS GRASS . ' $
01 ' FIRST PELICAN : THAT 'S FINE FISH YOU HAVE THERE . $
SECOND PELICAN : WELL , IT FILLS THE BILL . ' $
04 EMMA . $
02 MINE 'S TORN . $
04 PUT THEM TOGETHER ! $
01 DON'T BE SUCH A DEFEATIST . $
02 OH , ALL RIGHT . $
'HOSTESS ( AT A DINNER PARTY ) : WHAT , GOING ALREADY , PROF
ESSOR ? $
AND MUST YOU TAKE YOUR DEAR WIFE WITH YOU ? $
PROFESSOR : INDEED , I 'M SORRY TO SAY I MUST ! ' $
01 GO ON . $
02 THAT 'S IT : THAT 'S THE JOKE . $
THEY 'RE ALMOST AS BAD AS HOB'S . $
01 YES . $
04 HOW ABOUT SOME COMMUNITY SINGING ? $
01 NO . $
04 PROTEST SONGS ? $
01 NO . $
04 SHE WON'T LET ME , WILL SHE ? $
A REAL LITTLE BOSS , YOUR SISTER ! $
02 CATCH . $
04 FINE - THAT 'S IT ! $
COME ON NOW , NITA'S TURN . $
04 LOVELY . $
BACKHAND NEXT TIME ROUND . $
THAT 'S IT , NOW - FISTS THIS TIME - $
01 LEFT OR RIGHT ? $
04 LEFT . $
02 SORRY . $
01 SILLY NIT . $
LET 'S START AGAIN - $
IT 'S HOB . $
WE DON'T OPEN . $
04 SHALL I TELL HIM - $
01 NO ! $
04 WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER - ? $
01 I SAID " NO " ! $
BLAST ! $
THE HARRINGTONS ARE GOING - $
QUICK - NOT A WORD ! $
LET HIM THINK I 'M ASLEEP . $
03 MRS MOUSE , ARE YOU WITHIN ? $
MRS MOUSE , ARE YOU - $
MRS MOUSE ? $
02 THANK GOD ... $
04 RIGHT INDEX FINGER . $
LEFT PALM NEXT . $
RIGHT THUMB . $
< CURTAIN > $