Generous Gentlemen, Such is my affection to Phoebus and the ninety nine Muses, that for the benefit of this royall Universitie, I have strodled over three of the terrestriall globes with my Geometricall rambling, *videlicet, the Asia of the Dolphin, the Affrique of the Rose, the America of the Mitre, besides the *terra *incognita of many an Alehouse. And all for your sakes, whom I know to be the divine brats of Helicon, the lawfull begotten bastards of the thrice three sisters, the learned filly-foles to Monsier Pegasus, Archhackney to the students of Parnassus: Therefore I charge you by the seaven deadly Sciences, which you more study than the three and foure liberall sinnes, that your ha, ha, hes may be the recompence of my ridiculous endeavours. I have been long in travaile, but if your laughter give my Embryon Jests but safe deliverance, I dare maintaine it in the throat of Europe, Jeronimo rising from his naked bed was not so good a Midwife. But I see you have a great desire to know what profession I am of: first therefore heare what I am not. I am not a Lawyer, for I hope you see no Buckrams honesty about me, and I sweare by these sweet lips my breath stinkes not of any State actions: I am no Souldier although my heeles be better than my hands: by the whips of Mars and Bellona I could never endure the smell of salt-Peeter since the last Gunpowder treason, the voyce of a Mandrake to me is sweeter musick than those Maximes of warre, those terrible Cannons, I am no Townsman unlesse there be rutting in Cambridge, for you see my head without hornes; I am no Alderman for I speake true English; I am no Justice of peace, for I sweare by the honesty of a *Mittimus, the venerable Bench never kist my worshipfull Buttocks; I am no Alchymist, for though I am poore, I have am no Lord, and yet me thinks I should, for I have no Lands; I am no Knight, and yet I have as empty pockets as the proudest of them all; I am no Landlord, but to Tenants at will; I am no Inns of Court Gentleman, for I have not been stewed thoroughly at the Temple, though I have been halfe codled at Cambridge; Now doe you expect that I should say I am a Scholler, but I thank my starres I have more wit than so; why I am not mad yet? I hope my better Genius will shield me from a thread bare black Cloke, it lookes like a peece of Beelzebubs Livery. A Scholler? what? I doe not meane my braines should drop through my nose: no; if I was what I wish I could but hope to be; but I am a noble, generous, understanding, royall, magnificent, religious, heroicall, and thrice illustrious Pedlar. But what is a Pedlar? why what's that to you? yet for your satisfaction of him whom I most respect, my right honourable selfe, I will define him. A Pedlar is an *Individuum *vagum, or the *Primum *mobile of Tradsmen, a walking Burse, or moveable Exchange, a Socraticall Citizen of the vast universe, or a peripateticall Journyman, that like another Atlas carries his heavenly shop on's Shoulders. I am a Pedlar, and I sell my ware This brave Saint Bartol, or Sturbridge faire, Ile sell all for laughter, that's all my gaines, Such Chapmen should be laught at for their paines: Come buy my wits which I have hither brought, For wit is never good till it be bought; Let me not beare all back, buy some the while, If laughter be too deere, tak't for a smile; My trade is jesting now, or quible speaking, Strange trade youle say, for its set up with breaking; My Shop and I am all at your command, For lawfull English laughter paid at hand, Now will I trust no more, it were in vaine To breake, and make a Craddock of my braine, Halfe have not payd me yet, first there is one Anothers morning draught, is not yet paid For foure Epistles at the election made, Nor dare I crosse him who do's owe as yet Three Ells of jests to line Priorums wit. But here's a Courtier has so long a bill, twill fright him to behold it, yet I will Relate the summes: Item he owes me first For an *Inprimis: but what grieves me worst, A dainty Epigram on his Spaniels taile Cost me an houre, besides five pots of Ale, Item an Anagram on his Mistris name, Item the speech wherewith he courts his Dame, and an old bloberd scowling Elegie Upon his Masters dogs sad Exequie, Nor can I yet the time directly gather When I was paid for an Epitaph on's father, Besides he never yet gave me content For the new coyning of's last complement, Should I speake all? be't spoken to his praise, The totall summe is, what he thinks, or sayes, I will not let you run so much o'the score, Poore Ducklane braines trust me, Ile trust no more, Shall's jest for nought, have you all conscience lost? Or doe you thinke our Sack did nothing cost? Well then it must be done as I have said, I needs must be with present laughter payd, I am a freeman, for by this sweet ryme, The fellowes know I have secur'd the time, Yet if you please to grace my poore adventures, I'me bound to you in more than ten indentures. But a pox on Skeltons fury, Ile open my Shop in honester prose, and first Gentlemen Ile shew you halfe a dozen of incomparable points. I would give you the definition of points, but that I think you have them at your fingers ends, yet for your better understanding A point is no body, a common terme, an extreme friend of a good mans longitude, whose center and circumference injoyne one diametricall opposition to your equilaterall Doublets, or equicrurall Breeches; but to speake to the point, though not to the purpose. worne out, and has never been in request since trunck Hose and codpeece Breeches went out of fashion, it's made of simplicity Ribbon, and tagged with plaine dealing; if there be any knaves among you (as I hope you are not all fooles) faith buy this point of honesty, and the best use you can put it to, is to tye the band of affection: but I feare this point will finde no Chapman, some of you had rather sell, than with Demosthenes buy honesty at so deere a rate; oh I could wish that the Breeches of Bowsers, Stewards, Taxors, Receivers, and Auditors were trussed with these honesty points; but some will not be tyed to it, but hist Tom, it is dangerous untrussing the time: 2 The next is a point of Knavery, but I have enow of them already, yet because I am loth to carry mine any longer about me, who gives me most shall take it, and the Devill give him good on't: this point is cut out of villanous Sheepskin parchment in a Scriveners Shop, tagg'd with the Gold of a Ring, which the Pillory robb'd him of when it borrowed his eares; if he doe but fasten this to the new Doublet of a yong Squire, it will make him grow so corpulent in the middle, that there will be nothing but Waste, this point of Knavery has been a man in his dayes, and the best of the Parish, fourteene of them goe to our Bakers dozen. The definition of him may be this, a point of Knavery is an occult quality tyed on a riding knot, the better to play fast and loose, he was borne in Buckram, he has runne through all offices in the Parish, and now stands to be President of Bridewell, where I leave him hoping to see him truss'd at Tiburne. 3 Amongst all my points, a point of ignorance is the very Alderman of the dozen. This is the richest point in my pack, and is never out of fashion at Innes of Court, if you buy this point, you are arrant fooles, for Ile give you this 4 The next is a point of good manners, that has been long lost amongst a croude of clownes, because it was only in fashion on this side Trent. This point is almost found in our Colledge, and I thanke the heavens for it, it begins to be tagg'd with Latine, it hath been much defil'd, but I hope to see it cleane wash't away with the sope of good government. This point, to give you a little inckling of it, begins from the due observance of a Freshman to Sophistes, and there it ends with a *cede *majoribus. 5 Next point is a point of false doctrine snatch'd from the codpeece of a long-winded Puritan, the breath of Arminius will rot in him. Tagge him with a peece of Apocrypha, and he breakes in sunder, trusse him to the Surplisse, and his Breeches will presently fall downe with the thought of the whore of Babylon. He hates unity and Church discipline so farre, that you cannot tye a true loves knot on him: cut off his tags, and he will make excellent strings for a Geneva Bible, I would have these points anathematized from all the religious Breeches in the company: 'tis made of a dangerous stubborne Leather, tagg'd at one end with selfe conceit, at the other with wilfull opinion, this point is fit for no service, but Lucifers Cacotruces: but why talke I so long of this point, it is pity it is not licensed. 6 If you like my points, why doe you not buy? if you would have a more full point, I can furnish you with a Period; I have a Parenthesis (but that may be left out) I know not how you affect those points: but I love them so well that I grive at the ignorance of my infancie when my most audacious Toes durst play at spurne-point. Who will not pitty points when each man sees To begging they are falne upon their knees, Though I beg pitty, thinke I doe not feare Censuring Critick whelps, no point Mounsier You may want points for to trusse up your Breeches, And from the close stoole may he never move That hating points doth clasps and keepers love, But if my points have here at all offended, Ile tell you a way how all may be amended; Speake to the point, and that shall answere friend, All is not worth a point, and ther's an end. ((Then the Pedlar brought forth a Looking-Glasse.)) The next is a Looking-Glasse, but I'le put it up againe; for I dare not be so bold as to shew some of you your owne faces; yet I will, because it hath strange operations, *viz. If a crackt Chambermaid dresse her selfe by this Looking-Glasse, she shall dreame the next night of kissing her Lord, or making her mistresse a she Cuckold, and shall marry a Chaplin, the next living that fals. If a stale Court Ladie looke on this Reflection, she may see her old face, through her new Complexion. An Usurer cannot see his conscience in it, nor a Scrivener his eares. If a Townesman peepe into it, his Acteons furniture is no longer invisible: Corrupt takers of bribes may reade the price of their consciences in it. Some fellowes cannot see the face of a Schollar in it. If one of our Jewell-nos'd Carbunckl'd rubricke, bonifac't, can venture the danger of seeing their owne faces in it, the poore Basiliskes will kill themselves by reflection: If a blinde man see his face in this, he shall recover his eye-sight. But I see no pleasure in the contemplation of it; for when I looke into it, I finde my selfe inclined to such a dangerous disease, that I feare I cannot live here above foure yeeres longer: Howsoever I hope after my disease, we shall drinke the parting blow. If any this Looking-Glasse disgrace, It is because he dares not see his face: Then what I am, I will not see (faith) say, twas the whores Argument when she threw't away. But now considering what Philosophicall *vagum there is in most of our Cambridge Noddles, I have here to sell a soveaine boxe of *Cerebrum, which by Lullius his Alchymy, was extracted from the quintessence of Aristotles Pericranium, sodde in the sinciput of Demosthenes. The fire being blowne with the long-winded blast of a Ciceronian sentence; the whole confection boyled from a pottle to a pinte, in the Pipkin of Seneca: we owe the first invention of it to Sir John Mandevile, the perfection of it to Tom of Odcombe, who fetcht it from the gray-headed Alpes in the Hobsons Waggon of experience; I sweare as Persians use by this my Coxcombe, this Magazine of immortall roguerie: but for this Boxe of braines, you had not laughed tonight; buy this Boxe of braines, and the tenure of your wits shall be soccage, when as now it is but fee-simple. These braines have very admirable vertues, and very strange operations: foure drops of it in the eare of a Lawyer, will make him write true Lattin: three graines will fill the Capitall of an Universitie Gander; the terrestriall head of a high Constable, will be contented with halfe a dram; three scruples and a halfe will fill the braine-pan of a Bamberie brother. Come buy my braines , you ignorant guls, And furnish here your empty sculd: Pay your Laughter as it's fit, To the learned Pedlar of wit. Quickly come, and quickly buy, Or I'le shut my shop, and fooles you'le dye. If your Coxcombes you would quoddle, Here buy braines to fill your noddle. Who buyes my braines, learnes quickly here, To make a Probleme in a yeere: Shall understand the predicable, And the predicamentall Rabble. Who buyes them not, shall dye a foole, An exotericke in the schoole. Who has not these, shall ever passe For a great Acromaticall Asse: Buy then this boxe of braines, who buyes not it, Shall neve surfet on too much wit. ((Then the Pedlar brought forth a Whetstone.)) But leaving my braines, I come to a more profitable Commoditie: for considering how dull halfe the wits of the Universitie be, I thought it not the worst traffique to sell Whetstones: This Whetstone will set such an edge upon your inventions, that it will make your rustie iron braines, purer mettle, than your brazen faces. Whet but the knife of your Capacities on this Whetstone, and you may presume to dine at the Muses Ordinarie, or suppe at the Oracle of Apollo. If this be not true, I sweare by the Doxies Petticotes, that I'le neve hereafter presume of a better vocation, than to live and dye the miserable factor of Conny-skins. ((Then the Pedlar brought out Gloves.)) I have also Gloves of severall qualities: the first is a paire of Gloves made for a Lawyer, made of an intire loadstone, that has the vertue to draw gold unto it; they were perfumed with the conscience of an Usurer, and will keepe scent till wrangling have left Westminster Hall; they are seamed with Indentures, by the needleworke of Mortgage, and fringed with a *Noverint *Universi. I would shew you more , but it is against the statute, because a *Latitat hath been served lately upon them. And few of you need any Gloves, for you weare Cordovant hands. ((Night-Caps.)) My next Commodities, are severall Night-Caps, but they dare not come abroad by Candle-light. The first is lined with Foxe-furre, which I hope to sell to some of the Sophisters; it hath an admirable facultie for curing the Crapula, above the vertue of Ivie or bitter Almonds; nay, the porredge pot's not comparable unto it. I have another fit for an Alderman, which Acteon by his last Will and Testament bequeathed to the Citie as a principall Charter, it was of Dianae's owne making; Albumazers Otacousticon was but a Chamberpot in comparison. overwise Metaphysical heads: Marry, they are so transcendent that they will not be comprehended within the predicant of a Night-cap. ((Ruffes.)) I have also severall Ruffes; first, a Ruffe of pure Holland for a Dutch drunkard, a Ruffe of Cobweb lawne for the Universitie statutes: I have a Ruffe for the Colledge too: but by this badge of our Colledge (my reverend Lambskins) our backbiters say our Colledge Ruffes are quite out of stocke; I have no more Ruffess but one, and that is a Ruffe of strong hempe, you may have them who will, at the Royall Exchange of Tiburne. As for plaine Bands, if you finde any in a Scrivners shop, there is good hope honestie will come in fashion againe. But you will not bestow your money on such trifles: why? I have greater wares. Will you buy any Parsonages, Vicarages, Deanaries, or Prebendaries? The price of one is his Lordships crackt Chamber-Maid, the other is the reserving of his Worships tythes; or you may buy the Knights horse three hundred pound too deare, who to make you amends in the bargaine, will draw you on fairely to a Vicaridge. There be many tricks, but the downe right way is three yeares purchase. Come bring in your Coyne; Livings are *Majori *in *pretio now, than in the daies of Domesday booke, you must give presents for your presentations: there may be severall meanes for your institution, but this is the onely way to induction that ever I knew: but I see you are not minded to meddle with any my honest Leviticall Farmers. ((Then the Pedlar tooke out a Wench made of Alabaster.)) But now expect the treasures of the world, the treasures of the earth digg'd from the mynes of my more than Indian paunch: Wipe your eyes that no envious clouds of musty humours may barre your sight of the happinesse of so rare an object. Come from thy Pallace beauteous Queene of Greece, Clad in the smocke of night, that all the starres May loose their eyes, and then grow blinde, Runne weeping to the man i' the moone, To borrow his dogge to leade the spheares a-begging. Rare Empresse of our soules, whose Charcole flames Burnes the poore Coltsfoot of amazed hearts. view this dumbe Audience thy beautie spies, And then amaz'd with griefe, laugh out their eyes. Here's now a rare beautie, oh how all your fingers itch, who should be the first Chapman? This will be a dainty friend in a corner. And were it not better to imbrace this pretty shambles of beautie, this errant Poultrie of perfection, than to tumble your sopie Laundresses? Is this like your daggle-tayl'd Bed makers? when a man shall lye with Seacole ashes, and commit adultery with the dust of his chamber? Methinkes this peerlesse Paragon of complection, should be better countenanced. She would set a sharper edge on your appetites, than all the three penny Cutlers in Cambridge. I am a man as you are, and this naughtie flesh and bloud will never leave tempting: yet I protest by the sweet sole of this incomparable she, I never had any acquaintance with the pretty Libraries of flesh, but onely this: This is the subject of my Muse; This I adorne with costly Epigrams, and such curious Encomiums, as may deserve immortalitie in the Chamberpots of Hellicon: and thus my *Furor *Poeticus doth accost her. Faire Madame, thee whose every thing Deserves, the Close-stoole of a King: Whose head is faire as any bone, White and smooth as Pumex stone. Whose naturall baldnesse scornes to weare The needlesse excrements of hayre. Whose forehead streakes, our hearts commands, Like Dover Clifts, or Goodwyn sands. While from those dainty Gloe-worme eyes, Cupid shoots plum-pudding pyes. While from the Arches of thy nose, A creame-pot of white Nectar flowes: And truely Alabaster cheeke. Pure Saffron teeth, happie the meate That such pretty milnestones eate. Oh let me heare some silent song, Tun'd by the Jewes-trumpe of thy tongue: Oh how that Chin becomes thee well, Where never hayrie beard shall dwell: Thy Corall necke doth statlier bow, Than Ios when she turn'd a Cow: O let me, or I shall nere rest, Sucke the blacke bottles of thy brest: Or lay my head, and rest me still On that dainty Hogmagog hill. Oh curious, and unfathom'd waste, As slender as the statliest Mast: Thy finges too, breed my delight, Each Wart a naturall Margarite. Oh pittie then my dismall moane, Able to melt thy heart of stone. Thou know'st how I lament and howle, Weepe, snort, condole, looke sad, and scowle. Each night so great, my passions be, I cannot wake for thought of thee. Thy Gowne can tell how much I lov'd, Thy Petticote to pitty moov'd. Then let thy Pedlar mercy finde, To kisse thee once, though it be behinde. Sweet kisse, sweet lippes, delitious sence, How sweet a Zephyrus blowes from thence? Blest Petticote, more blest her Smocke, That daily busseth her Buttocke: For now the Proverbe true I finde, That the best part is still behinde. Sweet dainty soule, daigne but to give The poore Pedlar, this hanging Sleeve: And in thine honour, by this kisse, I'le daily weare my Packe in this, And quickly so beare thee more fame, Than Quixot the Knight Errants dame: So farewell sweet, daigne but to touch, And once againe reblesse my Pouch. Is it not pittie such ware should not be bought? well, I perceive the fault is in the emptinesse of your learned pockets: well, I'le to the Court, and see what I can sell there, and then carry the Reliques to Rome. ((The Pedlar cals for his Coltstaffe.)) Some friend must now perforce Make haste, and bid my Boy To saddle me my wooden Horse, ****